#maybe it's nothing and just my anxiety unfortunately the only way to tell is to wait

[satansappendix]

Currently experiencing hella anxiety and nausea

[weirdsht]

Disillusioned 16 . Heterogeneity

a/n: 80 pages, 20k+ words and these mfers still haven't realised their feelings... even I'm getting frustrated lol

double update this week as my sorry for being late huhu

tags: war, injuries, blood, self-doubt, anxiety, depression, atp just name every negative feeling there is, reader is rosalyn's walking headache, feelings in progress

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are currently closed but my ask are still open (read pinned)

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Battles pile up and they win every single one. It should make _____ proud. Should make them happy. They should be celebrating and not feeling insecure.

If others are asked, they’ll say how great of a support _____ has been. Not only did they heal and support the core players of the war, but they were also in charge of differentiating the enemies. Especially during Operation Ghost.

In a way, they were like a vice commander but were more focused on locating and knowing the enemy.

However, _____ did not see it that way. Could not appreciate the efforts they had been pouring in during this war.

They are towing a line towards a dangerous mindset and they could see nothing wrong with it.

It doesn’t help that _____ grew up repressing and hiding their emotions.

Because now that they really want to, no one could tell just how hurt the healer is. Not when Cale is too busy running around everywhere and Rosalyn is not with them. _____ made sure that no one could tell just how injured they were. Just how many layers of bandages they have wrapped around their body from absorbing too many wounds.How some of those wounds have reopened so many times because they kept pushing themself. 

How deep inside they were a mess. 

Not just physically, but also mentally. They tried really hard but there’s still turmoil left from the news of their family being human traffickers. Guilt still eats away their conscience every waking day. 

Frustrations about their ability are still growing bigger and bigger.

_____ hid all of that.

If ever asked why they would argue that it was needed. This time is a time of war. Cale can’t even eat properly, so what gave them the luxury to expatiate on these useless feelings and injuries?

In addition to that, aside from the wounds that reopened here and there, they were feeling fine. The healer had taken this chance to slowly experiment reverse healing. It’s hard, in fact, 99% of the time it’s the reason why their wounds reopen. Harming people is more difficult than healing them.

It’s hard but not impossible.

But it’s still not enough to make _____ feel better. They must get stronger. Must control it better. They have to help everyone fight off the enemy.

But then…

Pop!

Like a bubble, that pressure _____ had been piling on themself burst.

It’s a very natural thing to happen. _____ is only human after all, humans are bound to explode when there’s too much pressure tightly sealed.

For _____ that pressure burst in the form of acting rashly.

No one knew what their last straw was as there were so many variables that could have added to it.

It could have been because of how the church of the Sun God spewed nonsense in front of Mary.

Could have been when Raon and Cale heard them ponder whether they could transfer dead mana to themself using their ability. (This made Cale stick the healer closer to him and Choi Han.)

Maybe it was because of those priests who acted all high and mighty but couldn’t do anything in the end.

Perhaps it was how the empire’s forces had been strutting around, acting all good when in fact they were dirty bastards.

No one can accurately pinpoint which one it is. All they knew was that _____’s bubble suddenly burst and the unfortunate victim was the dragon half-blood.

_____ who was doing their best to support and heal Choi Han while physically supporting Cale saw Raon's light attacking the Dragon half-blood. While it looked powerful, the healer knew it would not be enough, they knew that the Dragon half-blood would be able to escape.

That’s why _____ thought that if that bastard was going to escape, might as well double his suffering.

"I thought that hooded person was just your baggage but what is this..."

If Cale didn't pay attention to that half-blood's comment about the Dragon blood, he certainly paid attention to that last comment. How could he not when the half-blood suddenly had a wound near his heart that was neither from Choi Han nor Raon?

No one had stabbed him or anything. The wound literally just manifested out of nowhere. Cale has no idea where it could have come from. 

Wait, manifest out of nowhere? That's almost like…

At that moment Cale noticed that _____ was not supporting his body anymore. Before he could turn around to check on them, he heard Raon's panicked voice ringing in his head.

“B-blood..! Human, kind _____ is bleeding!”

When Cale turned around he saw nothing at first. This was because _____ made sure to not get blood on their clothes, well at least the outer layer that everyone could see. However, Cale soon saw the blood on the black bone wyvern as well as the bloody dagger on their hand.

"Just what-"

"It's fine Commander, I'm fine. Please reassure the people first, I can manage. But it would have been better if I managed to snag some of that half-dragon’s vitality…”

There’s no way anyone would believe the healer was fine. Not with the copious amount of blood dripping down on the wyvern’s bones.

“Raon please hide my dagger in your dimensional pocket for a while. I don't want anyone to see it."

_____'s voice was extremely weak as they spoke. Cale who became even more frustrated after hearing this seriously thought about ditching everyone on the ground then and there.

"You- haaaa. Choi Han make sure to support _____ when we get down."

While Choi Han was supporting _____, he made sure to pour the highest-grade potions on the healer. It might not be able to heal all their wounds as their condition is too severe, but it will help stabilize them for the time being.

Soon, Choi Han saw an opportunity to bandage _____'s wounds while Cale was talking to Cage. He would've asked for the knight healer and the mage but he knows _____ is only comfortable with their family and the Henituse servants assessing their body. 

Till this point, he didn't know the full extent of their wounds yet. He just thought the injuries they had were from healing.

However, Choi Han did not recall anyone having a stab wound so close to the heart.

At least not anyone from their forces.

"_____ just what-"

"So you see, I discovered this really funny thing I can do. I'll tell you later."

The healer weakly chuckled as if they found the situation funny. Choi Han could now understand Cale's frustration. _____'s bandages and inner layer of clothes are soaked with blood. The black robe they were currently wearing was also starting to get soaked. 

"Choi Han-nim get bandaged up already, I'm fine. I didn't work hard to heal you out there just for you to not get full treatment. I would finish the job but as you can see…"

Choi Han held back a sigh. Instead, he looked at _____ with a gaze that seemed to be asking if they were fine. The now bandaged-up healer just shooed him with their hands. The swordmaster was still reluctant to leave them alone, luckily Mary arrived. 

"Mary please look after _____ for a while."

Mary agreed and only then was Choi Han able to walk away with peace of mind.

At first _____ thought that they would not get proper treatment until they went back to the Super Rock Villa. That was why they opted to sleep on the couch in Cale's room. Luckily, Eruhaben arrived along with Pendrick. Before Cale could even get a word out about _____'s condition the Ancient Dragon was already asking the Healer Elf to heal them.

The heavily injured _____ slept through all of that.

Evening had passed and the sun was out the next time they woke up. The healer didn’t know what to expect when they woke up, but it certainly wasn’t a barrage of embarrassment.

First thing they noticed was how they had been moved from the couch to Cale’s bed. Second thing was how there’s a communication device open on the bedside table.

“Glad to see my dongsaeng is awake. There’s a lot of things we must catch up on, yes?”

_____ didn’t know whether to be embarrassed that they kept Rosalyn waiting, or be scared at the way she’s smiling…

“If you’re looking for everyone they all have several agendas to attend to. Some of them are healing soldiers while some are talking to officials.”

The previously embarrassed _____ composed themself and properly sat up on the bed.

“...I’m sorry.”

Both of them already know what the apology is for.

“I know what I did was rash. I had acted recklessly and illogical and it may have hindered some of our plans.”

The mage on the other side of the communication orb only sighed.

“Haaa, that’s not the problem. My main issue is how you got injured. Everyone cares for you and is upset about how you don’t seem to hold yourself in the same regard. We’re worried about you.”

Rosalyn could feel the headache coming when she saw the confused expression on _____’s face.

“But unnie[1], doesn’t Cale do the same thing? Like him, I’m also fine. I heal faster than average and it’s not like these wounds will leave scars.”

Forget a headache, this is a migraine.

“Dongsaeng, you do know how we feel whenever Cale coughs blood or faints right?”

“Huh? Yeah, everyone gets worried and becomes scary… oh…”

Oh indeed

“Exactly, we worry about Cale. We worry about you too. I heard Eruhaben had been sighing the whole night. That's why you better tell this unnie of yours why you did such a thing.”

“Well…”

_____ trailed off as they drank a glass of water that had been conveniently left for them.

“I don’t know honestly… But these past few days I felt as though I wasn’t doing enough. Cale is on the front lines of the war and I’m at the back and can barely do anything. It was frustrating to see the Empire try to play us around like that. Then I also feel irritated that Cale can’t even eat properly because everyone is putting pressure on him. Mary-nim being targeted by the church when she’s risking her life to help defend the kingdom is also not helping. I also think Cale's bleeding during the Henituse battle also riled me up… Unnie I’m not sure what’s happening to me… I think my emotions are getting the best of me.”

Rosalyn can see a growing pattern here…

“Did you know that you seem to mention the young master-nim every other sentence?”

As the big sister, it’s Rosalyn’s job to guide her sweet, but unaware dongsaeng.

“Huh did I? Hans told me once that we seem to be close. That must be why.”

“Is that so? Tell this unnie more about how you feel, that might help us figure out what’s happening to you.”

Rosalyn’s scary smile is gone and has been replaced with the warm smile _____ is used to.

“There were a few times when there was something warm and fuzzy feeling in my chest. It also feels odd when I’m not with Cale. Uhm like when you guys went to the Paerun Kingdom. I feel frustrated and sad whenever Cale doesn’t take care of himself but I think that’s normal… Unnie, honestly I’ve never felt this way. Is this how it feels to have friends? You know I’ve never had one before you guys.”

Laughter echoed throughout the room at the question. Rosalyn couldn’t help herself but started to feel bad when she saw the confusion on the healer’s face.

“_____, do you feel the same way towards us?”

That made _____ think for a few seconds.

“Well I also worry and love everyone else in our group but I guess not to the extent I feel towards Cale? I also don’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling from anyone else. Oh no unnie, is this how playing favourites start? I don’t want to play favourites.”

“Ahahaha! No, no don’t worry, you aren’t playing favourites. But I can’t say that what you feel for the young master is friendship.”

The confused _____ became even more confused.

“Not friendship? What could it be then?”

“That, my dongsaeng, is something you must answer yourself. But I’ll give you a clue since you’re smart. You and young master Cale read books together right?”

_____ started reminiscing all the novels they’ve read with Cale.

“We read different genres. There’s action, mystery, comedy, fantasy, drama, romance…”

Oh

Oh

_____ isn’t sure if they like where this is going.

“I knew my dongsaeng was smart!”

The mage clasped her hands to show how proud she was. Not that the healer can appreciate it since they’re currently in turmoil.

_____ started thinking about the narratives they have read in romance books. Started comparing them to how they felt about Cale.

And holy shit it fits.

It fits like a goddamn missing puzzle.

The healer doesn’t know what to do with this information.

“_____, my dongsaeng _____. It’s perfectly normal to feel that way. You’re in that perfect age where you should experience romance in your life.”

Rosalyn comforted the currently distraught _____.

“What you do with your feelings is up to you. You can act on it, you can let it pass, you can try to get over it. It’s up to you. Whatever you do, I'll support you.”

“Unnie… Thank you… Not only for this but for everything else as well.”

“Anything for my dongsaeng.”

Rosalyn smiled one last time and with that, their conversation ended.

_____ got up from the bed as soon as the communication device turned off. They then started freshening up themself by doing their usual morning routine.

A few minutes later, _____ is ready to go help Pendrick heal the soldiers. They’re even wearing their usual priest robe because they know that Cale must want to scam- uhm “spread” the word of the Sun God Church.

However not even 10 steps outside the room, Cale is there with Choi Han and Eruhaben forcing the still-injured healer back inside the bedroom.

[1] chose unnie because it sounds cuter in my opinion lol. again why can't there be a gender-neutral honorific

[ghoulie-67-baby]

Thunderstorm - Good Omens.

Summary: Thunderstorms had been one of your biggest fears since childhood and a big storm is on its way, but Aziraphale promises he will be with you. And a sweet surprise makes dealing with the storm much easier.

Warnings: Fear of thunderstorms (Astraphobia), Panic, anxiety, crying, angst, fluff.

Pairing: Ineffable husbands x GN!reader

Word count: 2,176.

The air was dense and suffocating as I wandered through the streets of Soho, rushing to get home as fast as possible before the rain started. Clouds above my head blackened as the minutes passed, only making my steps faster and more urgent. I half expected to see the Bentley parked outside the shop in its usual spot as home came into view but the space was empty, sadness settling in my stomach though I couldn't tell if it was the fact he wasn't there or the looming storm or maybe a mix of both.

"I'm home," I called through the shop as I shut the door with cold, shaking fingers. There didn't seem to be anyone in the shop as I glanced around before taking off my shoes and jacket, walking through to the back room to put them away and grabbing my slippers and cardigan. I hummed to myself as I picked up the fresh cup of tea that seemed to be miracled to stay hot on the side, smiling at the notion. A sigh of relief sounded through the room as I sipped it, the taste and warmth settling me down. "Where are you, Honey?" My eyes scanned the room only to come up with nothing.

"Just a moment Love," A familiar voice called, making me grin. "I'm just shelving some of the newest materials." I rolled my eyes at his antics as I held my cup with clasped hands to warm them up. A mess of white curls came into view as the Angel appeared from behind one of the shelves, books stacked up so high I couldn't see his face as he balanced them. I giggled at him, placing down my cup, grabbing a few of the books from the pile and shifting them into my own arms. "Hello, Love." The grin on his face made his blue eyes shine and I smiled back, shaking my head before pressing my lips to his gently.

"Hello, Honey, busy day?" I gestured to both piles as we carried them through into the shop.

"Yes quite, I've waited all week for these to arrive so I'm glad they have before the storm hit." His gentle voice floated through the air as he lifted the books onto a shelf behind his desk, taking the second pile from me and doing the same with them. I shivered at the mention of the storm, pulling a face at the comment.

"I'll be glad when it's over," I mumbled, grabbing my cup once more and taking another sip. The Angel smiled sympathetically and pressed a small kiss to my forehead to comfort me. The kiss made me melt slightly, calming my nerves even though the wind howled through the shop furiously.

"I'm sure it won't be too long Love," He assured me, picking up his own cup of tea from his desk.

"Where's Crowley anyway? Thought he would've been back by now."

"As did I but he rang saying to expect him back a little later, something about an errand." I nodded, humming mindlessly as I took a seat on the sofa, crossing my legs and staring at the floor. "Love? Are you alright?" My eyes flickered back up to Aziraphale's face though they felt blurred and heavy.

"Sorry," I mumbled, "I'm just a little out of it. Think it's the storm." I sighed, pursing my lips as my eyes fell back to the floor. Ever since I was a child storms had terrified me to the point of endless tears and jumpiness, unfortunately following me into adulthood. This wouldn't be the first time I'd been with Aziraphale during a storm but each time it was the same; I would zone out, becoming distant and distracted, before freaking out when the storm actually hit leaving them to look after me.

"Don't apologise, Love," He came to sit beside me, shoulder resting against mine gently. "I'll be here with you the whole time." I nodded, smiling gratefully at him, finishing my tea. My head rested against his bicep as we waited for the storm to set in, the feeling of guilt building in my stomach knowing Aziraphale would have to deal with the state I got into, especially without Crowley here to help. Minutes felt like hours as we waited and I sighed heavily, eyes peering up at the Angel.

"Azira, can you read to me please?" A pleasant smile crossed his face as he nodded softly. "Can we carry on with Alice in Wonderland?" I giggled at the grin on his face, melting into a forehead kiss before curling my knees up on the sofa with me.

It had only been minutes since he left to go and find the book, shuffling could be heard in another room when an almighty crash of thunder split through the room. A scream of terror ripped through the room as I jumped out of my skin, launching myself off the sofa and to the nearest safe space where I curled up, trembling with hands clenched over my ears and eyes wide with fright. I was so caught up in the noise of the storm and flickers of lightning that I hadn't noticed Aziraphale rush back into the room. A part of me wanted to crawl out of my space and let him take care of me but my body was frozen in place as my heart pounded. I stared as a frantic pair of feet searched the room in my usual hiding spots for a curled-up, frightened bundle but they soon came to a stop in the middle of the room when all my places had been searched.

"Y/N, I know you're scared," His voice sounded muffled as he called out into the empty room. "But I need you to show me where you are." I whimpered softly, I wanted to show him, I really did but my body was too stubborn and stiff to move, curling up tighter with each crash of thunder. By this point, tears had flowed over and flooded my cheeks leaving streaks down my face. A sob was bitten back as the walls practically vibrated with the force of the storm outside, my fists clenched around my ears in a vain attempt to keep out the noise, making the pair of feet turn towards my corner quickly. I watched with blurred vision as the socked feet shuffled over to me, crouching down to reveal a pair of concern-filled blue eyes. Though I could see his mouth moving, I couldn't hear his soothing words as he softened his voice for me, holding out a hand though it just made me flinch. The corner I had shoved myself into was under a desk in the corner, trapped in by the wall and the desk's built-in drawers so there was no room for him to slide in beside me and sit out the storm.

I couldn't tell how long it had been since the storm started, the thunder and lightning sending my senses off in all directions into disorientation but I knew that the Angel never left my sight, making sure I knew he was there if and when I needed him. He had given up trying to touch me, realising it made me flinch and shrink back more and settled for sitting in front of me with his hands in his lap, though he still spoke despite me not hearing him. I knew it calmed him to know where I was and that I was safe as well as he knew it calmed me to hear his voice and see him. A cold wind blew through the room for a moment, leaving Aziraphale no choice but to leave me, mouthing that he would be back quickly, disappearing into the front of the shop.

As soon as he left the room, the walls seemed to darken, casting shadows across the walls with each flash of lightning and tremble of thunder. My silent sobs soon escalated into louder ones as the darkness seemed to fold around me which caught the attention of Azira and the guest. My eyes widened a little more when Aziraphale's socked feet entered the room with a pair of black booted feet just behind him. The two knelt down and this time Crowley's snake eyes appeared as well as the Angel's. Their gazes softened as I fought for my breath from crying, trying to ignore the way my body shuddered with each sob. The demon held out a hand to me but just like with the angel, I flinched and he drew back quickly, looking concerned and slightly offended. It wasn't because I didn't want them near me, the noises and sights of the storm were already overloading my senses and I didn't think I could take much more stimulation. I bit my lip, trying to clear my vision as Crowley stood back up and knelt by a large bag on the sofa before I let my eyes flicker to the white-haired Angel.

I could see his lips forming words like 'Come on' And 'You're safe with us Love' and slowly but surely my body seemed to decide it wanted out of the corner and into the warmth of that safety. Inch by inch, with shuddering breaths and trembling hands I moved towards him until I was just out from under the desk. With one last burst of energy, I threw myself into his arms, burying my face in his waistcoat and covering my ears once more, letting his own arms wrap around me. The hum of his speaking could be felt through his chest as the Angel and the Demon conversed between themselves. Soon after I was lifted and carried to the sofa where the Angel sat me on his lap, still curled up, and Crowley sat in front of me with his hands reaching to remove my hands from my ears. I let him rest his slender fingers over my own and gently pull my hands down, holding them in his own and hushing me softly when I jumped at the thunder.

"Hello Darling," He spoke, resting his forehead against mine "I ran an errand because I found something that could help with storms. Do you want to have a look?" I nodded slowly, squeezing his fingers as he let go of my hands and hauled the bag up onto his lap. I gazed up at Aziraphale who smiled encouragingly and nodded towards the bag, giving me permission to open it and take a look. Shaking hands didn't stop me from having a look and a fresh wave of tears came to my eyes at what was inside.

A charcoal grey weighted blanket was folded inside, brand new and looking incredibly soft. I had never thought about getting one, they weren't cheap things to buy and I wasn't sure if I would like it in case it overwhelmed me but the Demon had taken extra care to purchase one that he thought would be perfect and I would never want to upset him by turning it down. I watched in awe and appreciation as he pulled it from the bag and unfolded it, almost effortlessly though I knew it was heavy, I assumed it was a demon perk if anything.

"We wanted to see if you'd try this when it's stormy or you're having a rough day Love," Aziraphale muttered into my hair. "It might help you to settle and block other things out for a while." I nodded but I was worried this meant they wouldn't stay and help me in a storm but I shook the thought away.

"Would you like to try it?" I nodded eagerly, looking at the Angel to see if he wanted me to slide off his lap but he kept me clutched to his chest just like before. Relaxing back into him, I smiled softly as the Demon draped the blanket over me, making sure to keep the weight evened out.

Instantly, the blanket melded into the curves of my body and the Angel's, serving as a cocoon. The feelings of panic were still there but had dulled down as the weight kept me comfortable and grounded in Azira's arms, making me relax into him, laying my head against his shoulder with a small sigh of relief. Though the storm still raged on outside, the feeling of my gift really did drown out the sounds and sights as I hid my face in Aziraphale's neck with a small yawn.

"How does it feel Darling?" My eyes flickered to meet Crowley's and I gave him a drowsy grin. He took this as approval for the gift and chuckled before sliding off his shoes transforming into his snake form on the sofa, sliding up to us and pooling his body against my chest. The storm's noise still made me flinch but nowhere near as much as it did before the blanket. I couldn't help the immense feelings of gratitude that flooded my body as we sat out the storm.

[yanderes-galore]

I've been waiting for this! Darling almost gets caught by the Unknown before the fog gets them. Darling thinks she's "safe" (away from the Unknown) before going on trial and seeing it again. I think Unknown would be happy to see a previous almost victim.

I was originally going to make this a concept but I don't think that would do it justice. So, here's a one shot :) The cool thing about this killer is I don't have to do much research since you're meant to not know anything about it.

Gender is Gender-Neutral as I just... Never said any pronouns- I got too focused on the spooky.

I got really into this, sorry it isn't fully spell checked 😅 I am my only editor, lol.

Reoccurring Nightmare

"Yandere!" The Unknown Story

Pairing: Dubious intentions

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, "Obsession", Stalking, Kidnapping (Technically), Grotesque descriptions, Primarily just horror themes, Violence, Dubious intentions.

Sometimes people get into things they shouldn't. Sometimes you come across something that you shouldn't have known about. Unfortunately, accident or not, there is still consequences.

Poor you probably didn't even mean to get involved with The Fog or The Unknown. If anything, you just wanted to know what happened to your lost friends. Mikaela and Sable have been gone for a long time now....

The search for your friends accidentally got you involved in a darker scheme than you thought. Unbeknownst to you, simply searching got you caught in the crosshairs of something... otherworldly. You had no clue until it decided to strike.

It started with an uneasy feeling. The constant feeling of being watched. Perhaps that was just you being anxious... You are worried about your friends, after all.

But as your research and leads got deeper and deeper... You began to realize you were too deep in this web. You kept finding research and articles about strange phenomenon. Things like dark fog and cryptid sightings.

The entire time the feeling only ever got worse.

Days turned to weeks as you looked over the information you had. The police never bothered to help and you kept finding rabbit holes. No matter how much calming teas or meds you take, you can't shake your anxiety.

Are you being followed...?

Are you insane?

In the middle of the night you hear noises. Things like skittering or... voices. You swear you see silhouettes pass your window or banging across your walls.

You haven't gotten enough sleep... Maybe you're just hallucinating?

Your fears kept getting worse as you continued on. You kept thinking you heard the voices of your friends outside. Yet there was nothing ever there.

Your mind felt coated in a mental fog. You just couldn't think straight. Why did it feel like you were seeing things?

One night marked the conclusion of your fears....

Late at night you kept scrolling through research. At this point you were too far gone into this rabbit hole. There had to be something that took them... right?

"H-Hell..o?"

You freeze when you hear something speak. You look around, yet once again nothing's there. The voice sounds corrupted... inhuman... you can't read it.

"H-Help...!"

The voice croaks again, sounding oddly familiar. You shoot up from your seat and look around. However... You begin to breathe heavily when there's nothing...

Except for a sudden bang.

Your gaze shoots to your window, seeing something skitter off. The brief glance you got wasn't enough to tell you what it is. Yet you can tell it's playing with you...

It's taunting you....

You quickly run through your house in search of a weapon. Something... Wasn't right. With the amount of research you've done, you have your suspicions on what's wrong.

But you're still unable to comprehend it...

Let alone what it wants.

"S-Scar...ed?"

The voice croaks from outside, thumping hitting your walls. It's trying to find a way in. Your heart won't stop racing.

You grit your teeth, grabbing a knife from the kitchen to defend yourself. It's all you've got right now.... However, if this is what you think it is...

It doesn't really matter....

"Cu...te...!"

You grimace at the voice, the gender swapping between a distorted male and female. You can't decipher it. It's all a threat you can't fight....

With a loud crash, an axe smashes through your window. You jump back to keep your distance. Although... You freeze when something crawls through the broken glass.

It looks... Twisted. The cracking of bones fills the room, leaving you unnerved. The...Creature twitches and cracks around until it goes from all fours to on its twisted legs.

You feel bile bubble within you at the sight. You don't even dare look at its face. It's a twisted mimic of some sort of man.

That thing isn't human, however...

Nowhere close to it.

"I-I have... something... for you...!"

You brandish the knife as if it would do anything against it. Even if you had a gun, you doubt it would kill it. Black smoke pours into the room as the creature snaps and twitches closer to you.

"S-Stay... still...!"

The creature echoes before swinging the fire axe. You dodge it but the weapon manages to snag your knife. You curse to yourself as you dodge.

Not like it would've helped you anyways.

The creature turns around to look at you, a twisted grin never leaving its face. Your fear excited it. Such wonderful prey.

However, as you both plot your next move, the fog continues to fill the room until there was nothing but darkness.

You panic, having only vague ideas of what this meant for you. However... When you awoke, your adrenaline began to settle. You were left in a forest...

With nothing but a campfire in front of you...

Along with your two missing friends.

The two are filled with surprise when they see your shaking form on the ground. You stare back at them in confusion. Then...

You begin to cry.

Mikaela and Sable quickly run over to you and embrace you. You sob into them, calming down from your near death experience. Such a thing Mikaela and Sable have grown used to by this point.

They comfort you, rambling about how they didn't expect to see you again. They express concern and worry. After all... No one tries to get here on purpose.

You were happy to find them, even if it isn't safe here. All that mattered to you was the fact you were away from the creature. You never had to see it again...

Even if you had other issues to deal with...

But you could face those with your newly found friends by your side, right?

---

By this point you've gotten used to these new trials. These loops of death and illusions of escape was supposedly what Mikaela and Sable had been going through the entire time you've been looking from them. You were sent from one hell to another....

Yet you were quickly beginning to adapt.

Perhaps you were always meant to come here. If you stopped looking for your friends, would it still happen? You aren't sure... But does it matter anymore?

All you know is death now.

However, with Mikaela and Sable you could get used to the cycles. With them... You felt you could get through this. At least here... you could comprehend most horrors.

Every trial seemed to blend together eventually...

Then you saw it again.

You could never forget the twisted body and unnerving aura. You nearly freeze again in the middle of a generator when you see it shambling around that decrepit movie theater. You fidget with the wires as best you can but you're soon thrown off.

Upon roiling across the dingy movie carpet, you look up to see the very same creature you thought you escaped. It crawls on all fours towards you with that same cracking sound. Your memories flash before you...

Aren't you used to death at this point?

"Fo~und... y~ou~!"

The creature coos in a distorted voice... Shuffling closer in a rapid pace.

Your scream to echoes through the trial as it advances, your mind flashing a reminder that whatever happens... There's no escaping it now.

[emry-stars-art]

Hi, i just want to stop by to tell you how much I love your art and even more your Royal au

I hope this is in no way an offence but I found this post https://www.tumblr.com/gatorparade/721685064988131328 and immediately thought of you and His Highness Prince Andrew.

I wondered if on a walk Andrew stopped to freshen up and Abram, in keeping watch, found himself observing him from afar and what thoughts he might have, not so much at the Prince’s splendid figure but how much he manages to convey a calmness to him that he never had, a kind of serenity that radiates, that he can read in Andrew’s eyes when they finally meet.

Feel free to ignore this if it doesn't inspire you, I love everything you post regardless, you cannot know how much your blog brightens my days ✨

Okay im FINALLY HERE

I wish I could have done this more justice but this is what I got, I love the idea of Nathaniel/Abram first seeing the little bits of humanity and vulnerability (only the barest bits but it’s much more than the Moriyamas ever gave) from Prince Andrew and like. It jumpstarts the idea that Palmetto is really and truly different than Evermore or something TT

anyway the linked post [here] is first off gorgeous (it’s an oc if I remember, pls go give the artist some love if you can we appreciate ocs in this house) and second I LOVED THE VISION. Im sliding a little writing snippet under the cut so thank you for the ask :DD

Find the royal au masterpost here 💕

The prince said he just wanted to acclimate Nathaniel. His short, matter-of-fact way of speaking was still unfamiliar - he sounded as if he was being transparent, but Nathaniel knew better than to take royalty at their word.

It wasn’t as if he had the choice to refuse.

He accompanied the prince on his ride of the outer courtyard. There wasn’t much for Nathaniel to do; unfortunate, because he couldn’t distract himself with real work. The prince was bringing him deep into the untamed grounds, through thick trees and bushes. Secluded and private. Still, Nathaniel said nothing.

After countless minutes of what should have been easy silence, they reached a creek. The prince guided his horse to a stop and considered something, lost in thought until Nathaniel had dismounted and approached. It took more effort than normal to remove his glove.

Nathaniel’s hand moving into his space seemed to jog the prince. He blinked, took a heavier breath, and held a little too tightly as he always did to slide from the saddle.

Despite Nathaniel’s every anxiety, he brushed right by without a word. Nathaniel watched dumbly as the prince shook his hair free of its tie, combing it out and kneeling at the creek bed. He splashed his face with water and ran some over his scalp to combat the midday heat.

He didn’t seem to be watching his back. He wasn’t hesitant or afraid for Nathaniel to see him in a state like this. Easy, casual. Even now Nathaniel was playing the possibilities in his head. All the ways the prince could be harmed in that moment. How easy it was for Nathaniel to see it and know the royal family wasn’t as infallible and godlike as they claimed.

But, then - the Minyards had never claimed godhood. Though the water made the prince’s hair sparkle.

Prince Andrew didn’t think himself as far above Nathaniel as Nathaniel had assumed.

The prince straightened then, turning a look on Nathaniel as he retied his hair.

“You seem rather heat stressed,” he said flatly. “Are you certain you don’t need some water?”

Nathaniel was certainly stressed. Just maybe not from the heat. He hesitated before gesturing aimlessly with the reins he held, one horse in each hand. He’d gotten too distracted to tie them anywhere.

The prince met him at his own horse’s head, taking both reins without a word.

“Go,” he said. Nathaniel forced his mouth closed when he found he couldn’t speak, and the prince gave him another unimpressed look. “That’s an order, Nathaniel.”

So Nathaniel let go and stepped back, still hesitant to let the prince hold his horse when it should only have ever been the other way around. But the prince had already turned his attention to GS, stroking the white blaze of his nose with as blank an expression as ever. Nathaniel wondered briefly if the prince’s face ever changed as he went to obey.

(Also thank you for your other kind asks AM, I cherish them and you 🥰)

[fangirlingfromdownunder]

A Sweet Mishap - Chapter 21

Pairing - Jensen Ackles x Reader 

A/N: I just want to start by thanking everyone for all the love on this story so far. Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list. This chapter is a little heavier (as is the story going forward, but I'll include potential triggers for each chapter as relevant), so please read the TW below and only read on if you feel comfortable doing so.

Potential Trigger Warnings: mentions of depression, suicidal thoughts, domestic violence

A Sweet Mishap Masterlist | Main Masterlist

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

The days blend together in a whirlwind of rehearsals, work, and studying. The excitement for the upcoming show is palpable, but underneath it all, a sense of exhaustion lingers. I push through each long day with determination. Then one night, I stumble home after a long day, late at night. I check my mail before going up to my apartment and find a large box with my name and address on it, on the floor infront of my mailbox. Knowing the date I can only imagine what it might be. Suddenly I’m wide awake. I rush up to my apartment and dump the box on the coffee table. Knowing it could only be one person, I send him a text.

Can I open it or should I wait until tomorrow?

I wait awhile but don’t get a response. I figure he’s either asleep or in the middle of filming. I force myself to leave the box and go for a shower. Feeling warmed up and relaxed, the package falls out of my mind as I collapse into bed and fall asleep.

As I drag myself out of bed the following morning and get dressed for my shift I remember the box. I check my phone and there’s still nothing. Knowing that it’s later in the day in Vancouver, I decide to try to call him while I finish getting ready. It goes straight to his voicemail and I start to get anxious. I doublecheck the sending address on the box and it has a Vancouver address with his name, so I know at least it hasn’t even come through his management, this was all him. This makes me a little more excited, but I can’t figure out why then he’d all of a sudden be ignoring me. I try to keep a level head and tell myself he’s just busy with work. I don’t have time to dwell on it anyway. Regardless, I can’t help but dread serving loved up couples their caffeine hits for the next few hours.

I force a smile and throw on my apron as I find my rhythm. Despite my initial anxiety, I find myself getting lost in the familiar routine, the busy atmosphere providing a temporary distraction from the unanswered questions swirling in my mind. I push through and then go to my classes as usual, while avoiding checking my phone to keep myself from spiralling further unreasonably. 

As I walk home alone from the theatre, through the streets filled with loved-up couples, I try to feel happy for them while I hope that maybe next year I’ll have someone to share it with. As I approach my building I see someone sitting on the ground infront of the glass doors with their head on their knees. My heart races a little as I worry it could be someone looking for a way to sneak into the complex; I’ve seen stranger things happen in the city, unfortunately. The scene also reminds me of the time I sat in that exact position when Tyler first kicked me out of the apartment. I can’t imagine someone going through those same emotions on Valentines of all days, but for my own safety and the safety of others in the building I hope it’s the latter.

As I get closer, I can tell it’s a young girl. I think about walking past, but then I think about the immense difference it would have made if someone stopped when I was in her position. I clasp my keys in my palm as I crouch down beside her. 

“Hey, are you alright?” I ask, but she just shakes her head. “I know Valentines Day can be rough. Do you at least have somewhere to go? It’s too cold to stay out here.” She shakes her head again as her whole body shakes as she lets out a small sob. “I obviously don’t know you or what happened, but I’ve sat where you’re sitting…If you want to talk about it or just be around someone and not talk about it…” She shakes her head again. “You should at least come into the lobby, out of the cold night air.” When she still refuses to move I shrug off my jacket and wrap it around her. I feel my phone vibrate in my bag, but ignore it. While she’s refusing to talk, I know from experience that she shouldn’t be alone.

I sit on the pavement beside her under the dim streetlights in silence. When I start to shiver involuntarily she offers my jacket back. “You should go inside and stay warm. Don’t stay out here because of me. I’m obviously not worth it.” 

Hearing words so similar to ones I’ve said myself breaks my heart. “Only if you’ll let me call you a ride or bring you in. You won’t believe me, but I’ve had those exact thoughts. I don’t think you should be alone tonight.” I know it must be extremely hard for her to trust a stranger but I hope I can at least get her somewhere safe and warm.

My phone vibrates again, this time with a call. I ignore it. I don’t want this girl to think anyone or anything is more important than her. 

After a while, when she realises I’m not going anywhere, she says, “There’s no one to call…I-I was stupid.”

“I’m sure you weren’t. I’m sure you are just young and optimistic and caught in terrible circumstances beyond your control. But you likely won’t believe me, because I know I wouldn’t have. I haven’t got much to offer, but I do have an apartment with a fireplace and a comfortable couch and bed, you can have whichever.”

“I don’t-”

“It’s no problem. I just want to get you off the street for the night and I don’t imagine you can afford a hotel in the city, not to make assumptions, I just know how expensive it can be out here.”

My phone starts to buzz again and she sinks back. “You should get that.”

“They can wait. It’s probably just my mom checking because she knows how hard Valentines can be for me.” I don’t want to push too hard but I know it’s only getting later and colder and neither of us are making the most of my jacket now. I stand up and swipe my keyfob over the scanner. “At least come into the lobby, I’m happy to stay down here with you or bring you a blanket. Just come out of the cold.”

She hesitantly nods and pushes herself off the cold concrete. I lead her into the lobby. “You can come up with me or I can bring you down a blanket. It’s up to you. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, I just want you to be warm and safe. And know that you’re not alone.”

“She looks around the bare, unhomely lobby and quietly asks, “C-Can I come up with you?”

“Of course.” I press the button for the lift and step back. When we get in, I notice she doesn’t even have a bag with her, just a phone that appears to be flat. I lead her into my apartment and quickly turn the lights on and start the fireplace. “The bathroom’s through there,” I motion towards my room, “If you want to have a warm shower or wash your face. The bedroom’s also in there if you’d prefer, or the couch.” I do my best to make her feel comfortable as I kick off my shoes and put down my bag. I also toss the now wilted roses in the bin, after pocketing the card. 

“They from your boyfriend? Does that mean it gets better?” she asks.

“It’s complicated, but yes, it does get better. It may take a while, but this moment doesn’t define you. Your life is so much more than your worst nights.”

She hesitantly takes a seat on the couch to warm up by the fire and I pull over a stool. “Y-You said you sat were I sat…C-Can I ask what happened?”

I nod. “My boyfriend at the time cheated on me in this very apartment. I came home from work and caught him in our bed with some girl her met at a bar. Same way he met me, ironically. He was a few years older. There were plenty of red flags I ignored. But it hurt for a long time. I am just lucky to have a great friend that helped me pull through the worst of it and keep putting one foot in front of the other.”

“He cheated with you here? And you stayed?”

“Yeah, crazy, right? I had a job here and classes and a friend and dreams. All of which were more important than a guy I moved across the country with on a whim. He went back to our home state and left me the apartment…and all the bills. I thought about trying to leave, but the location was perfect and the rent was cheaper than other places. I did get a new bed though. I threw out the bedding and sold the frame; there was nothing wrong with it, just that I couldn’t get the image of her gripping the headboard while he took her from behind, out of my head.”

“I’m sorry…”

I shake my head and shrug. “He was a dick. I’m just glad I didn’t let it break me. I almost did, and those thoughts resurface now and again, but I’m stronger for it. I know that now. I only realized that recently, actually…It’s these experiences that will eventually help you realize your worth.”

“He-He still has all my stuff. He begged me to forgive him…He-He wouldn’t let me…” I look her over as she speaks and notice she’s still cold. I reach over and pull the blanket off the back of the couch and offer it to her. She wraps it around herself and cuddles it close to her chest. That’s when I notice light purple bruises on her wrists.

“Did he?” I nod at her wrists and she hides them under the blanket. But then she nods.

“You can stay here as long as you need. I have a friend that works as a security guard, I can ask him to come over and help get your stuff tomorrow…Or we can go out and get you whatever you need.”

“He only does it when he’s…I provoke him…It’s my fault.”

I shake my head, knowing those feelings all too well. “Yeah? What’d you do?”

She shakes her head back and throws off the blanket. “It was my fault. I should go back. He’ll be mad if I-”

“I can’t and won’t stop you if you want to go. But I wish you wouldn’t. Just take the night. Get some sleep and think it over.”

She hesitantly pulls the blanket back on as she starts to cry again. “I-I just…I just wanted to go out. It was my first Valentines Day in a relationship…And in the city…I j-just…I-I shouldn’t…I know…”

“Hey, Sweetie. It’s okay to want those things. And every girl deserves that. Your man should want to take you out and show you a good time; not just on Valentines, but every day. But most of all, he shouldn’t ever hurt you. You’re not his punching bag.”

“He didn’t…He just-” My phone vibrates noisily on the counter cutting her off. “C-can I use the bathroom?”

“Of course. Let me know if you want to borrow some clean clothes. I should have something that should fit.”

“I’m okay. Thanks.” She quietly gets up and goes into the bathroom. I listen for the shower to turn on before I get up and check my phone: 15 texts and 3 missed calls from Jensen. I sigh and call him back without opening the messages.

“Thank God, you’re alive at least!”

“Me? You ignored me first.”

“I was working.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“At one in the morning? I know you get on the subway around eleven thirty, you always text when you get home. I didn’t hear from you. Jared only just talked me out of calling the police for a wellness check.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just…Something came up. I can’t talk about it right now. But I’m home and I’m safe. And I’ll call you tomorrow.”

He sighs. “Well, happy Valentines for yesterday, I guess…”

“Don’t be like that. I texted you last night and called you first thing this morning. You didn’t answer. We’re both busy. I had to accept that, so do you. And I really am busy at the moment. I will call you and explain when I can.”

“Someone more important, huh? Some guy from the show?”

I instantly tear up at his implication. “You know what? Screw you, Jensen. You know what I’ve been through and you really think I’d do that to you? Screw you.” I hang up before he can make any excuses and wipe my eyes hastily to appear strong for the girl who needs me. He instantly tries to call me back but I flick my phone to silent and plug it in to charge. I grab a change of clothes and knock lightly on the bathroom door. 

“Hey, it’s just me. I have some clothes here if you want them.” I wait a few seconds, but when I don’t get a response I put my hand on the doorknob. “I’m sorry, I’m coming in. Call out if you don’t want me to.” I don’t get a response so I push the door open and for the first time I’m thankful that it doesn’t have a lock.

I notice her sitting on the floor with her back against the bathtub and her head between her knees. She shakes as she cries heavily. As I get closer, I notice one of my bottles of painkillers in her hand. I let out a relieved sigh when I see the cap is still on. I twist off the water in the shower and crouch down beside her. 

“He’s not worth it…None of them are. But you are. You can have a very bright future. Focus on your dreams, what you want. If you put in the hard work, you can make it happen. I know it’s hard to believe right now, but it’s true.” I hold out my hand and she hands over the bottle. 

“What if he-What if someone saw us? What if he knows? What if he-”

“Do you wanna go somewhere else? I can call my friend and we can go somewhere else. As I said, he’s a security guard, he can protect you.”

She nods. I stand up and go get my phone and bring it back. I flip down the toilet lid and sit on it as I call Nick. I know Stella will be asleep, but I’m just hoping he’s finishing a shift. It rings a few times before he answers.

“Y/N?”

“Hey, Nick. Can you come over?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. I was just wondering if me and a…friend could come stay with you and Stella?”

“Jensen?”

I shake my head eventhough I know he can’t see me. “Nick, could you just come, please?”

“Sure. I’m on my way. Meet me downstairs?”

“Actually, could you come up? I’ll buzz you in.”

“Okay?”

“Thank you.”

He hangs up and I go back to sit with the girl. That’s when I realize I don’t even know her name. “I’m Y/N, by the way.” I try to break the tension a little to make her feel comfortable, “I can’t believe I forgot to introduce myself.”

“Anna.”

“Nice to meet you, Anna. My friend’s gonna come here and take us back to him and his wife’s place. They live over in Manhattan. They’re both really nice. Stella is the one I was telling you about that helped me when I was going through my worst. You’ll be safe there.”

“W-will you c-come?”

“Of course. I won’t leave you.”

“I’m sorry I wasted your water and went through your stuff.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay. But I need you to tell me the truth, did you take any? I don’t mind, I’m just worried about you.”

She shakes her head. “I-I couldn’t…I couldn’t do it.”

“Well, I’m glad.”

She hangs her head again. “Todd’s gonna be so angry…”

I try my best to stifle a laugh, “Really? Todd? That’s his name?” She nods. “That’ll do it.” She looks up confused. “I’m sorry. It’s just in my experience, guy’s with T-names are the worse. The guy that cheated on me? Tyler…and also, Trent, before that.”

“Two guys?”

“What idiot falls for it twice, right? That’s why I want to help you now. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t let it become a pattern. Let him be your one and only lesson. Realize your worth now.” I hear the buzzer from the intercom near the door. I stand up and hold my hand out. “My friend’s here, let’s go back out where it’s warmer.”

She slowly takes my hand and lets me pull her up and lead her back to the couch. I only leave her for a few seconds while I buzz Nick up and then let him in. Being already on edge he scans the apartment and instantly spots Anna. 

He leans close and lowly says, “There’s some frantic guy in the lobby. I don’t think you should go anywhere. I’ll stay here.”

I nod in understanding and introduce him and Anna. I gently explain the change of plans and urge her to take my bed. She argues, claiming that she should go down and check if it’s him and calm him down. But Nick and I dissuade her. In the end, she says she doesn’t want to be alone, so I lay down in my bed with her while Nick rests on the couch watching TV.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Taglist: @stoneyggirl2 @hobby27, @n-o-p-e-never, @deansimpalababy,

@winchesterwild78, @kr804573, @chriszgirl92, @smoothdogsgirl

@speakinvain, @deans-baby-momma, @1967winchesterimpala, @ladysparkles78

[retroellie]

Sorry I Can’t Take Your Touch

Summary: Daryl finds out you're asexual :)

A/N: I have recently just found out that Daryl being asexual is cannon?!? Bitch who was gonna tell me because period asf. As an asexual (I know shocking right?) I wanted to write how Daryl finds out that you’re asexual and maybe finding out along the way that maybe he is too?? This is kind of a vent on my part too, I kinda like let loose on my frustrations on being asexual. Also I want to say there is nothing wrong with being a very sexual person or being a virgin period, I just wanted to say that first thing so y’all weren’t thinking I’m shaming y’all… BUT ENJOYYYY <3

Warnings: NSFW situations 

Word count: 2.2K

“I’m sorry Daryl… I didn’t want to lead you on but I can’t.” You said, watching as the man slid his pants back onto his legs.

Daryl and you were laying in bed, one thing led to another… his lips were on you and then his hands were on you, your moans only adding onto the fuel that laid deep in his stomach. You were completely melting underneath his touch, you were feeling so safe and taken care of, Daryl made sure of that.

But it was you, you could never feel safe with anyone like this. The sudden fear that washed over you, the anxiety that took the place of lust and the feeling of sinking into the bed held you in place. You couldn’t help the feeling, it happened every time you let anyone try to make you feel good. It was something you hated, something you despised because when everyone else was out fucking in college you were stuck in your own little shell.

You were labeled as a tease and a joke to mostly everyone, being told that your virginity was a burden to them. You never knew why you felt like this, maybe it could have been a trauma response to something you can’t remember or maybe it’s the way people talk about sex to you. It was like you were unable to feel what they were describing, it made you cringe and it didn’t sound very appealing to you. In movies you felt sick when love scenes came up, you would wince when you saw a couple going at it at parties and you would tense up when anyone ever hinted at getting into your pants.

You would get into moods obviously but those feelings you liked to be alone with, you would take care of it in your own way… in other words you would much rather make love to yourself. Those moods sent you to this moment right now, Daryl touching you in ways you have never been before… mostly because you would never get this far with others.

You freaked though, as soon as his pants came off you knew it was going to happen. You jumped up, pushing him away from you so fast it almost hurt him. You didn’t mean to hurt him or frustrate him, you just never liked things like that and you couldn’t go through with it. Daryl made you feel safe and he made you feel things you have never felt, but unfortunately the feelings you had of this kind of intimacy stuck.

“Daryl please…” you said, reaching up to stop him from getting completely dressed and leaving you there.

He pulled away from your touch, yanking himself away to turn around to see your face covered in horror. He felt terrible, he felt like he had made you feel you had to do this or he did something wrong or even you were not loving him the way he loves you because you wouldn’t let him touch you. He didn’t understand you mostly because you never explained it to him. He breathed heavy, his anger being visible from miles away.

“What’s yer problem woman?? If you didn’t want me, that's all you had to say.” He yelled.

Daryl was so frustrated when it came to you, you were never jumping his bones every chance you got or clawing at him to take his clothes off. No, You were sweet and caring to him, but the biggest thing was that you didn’t want sex from him. That irritated him because Daryl only knew girls who wanted sex so he adapted to that, he adapted to the fact that if a woman doesn’t fuck you she doesn’t love you.

“Daryl that’s not it..” you started but you couldn’t finish

“Then what is it!! Is there another man or you got teeth down er or somethin’” he asked, watching as your eyes softened at him from his shitty attempt at a joke.

You didn’t quite know what your problem was, you were as lost as him. You would always much rather watch movies and cuddle than fuck someone, not that you wouldn’t find that enjoyable if you were normal. Even that word irked you, “normal” what does that even mean? Is what you are feeling normal? Or is your brain not working properly? Bottom line is you didn’t like the intimacy of sex and you envied people that could.

“Look Daryl… I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I really don’t. For as long as I can remember I have never liked to be touched like that, like ever. I’ve never done the deed I guess because I don’t have any desire to do it.” You explained, playing with the small string on your shirt. “I do like you Daryl, I just can’t give you that and if you don’t want to see me anymore… I understand, I understand that not everyone can just throw sex away like that.”

Daryl suddenly felt fucking terrible for making you feel like you had to apologize for it, he felt bad for yelling. Daryl wanted you more than you could ever know, if he could just lay you down and fuck you silly… he would in a heartbeat. Not being able to love you in the only way he knew would be challenging for Daryl simply because he’s never felt like that towards anyone before, it was a rarity to have feelings for anyone at all.

He let your words linger in the air for a bit, the silence bouncing off the walls as you sat on your knees atop the soft sheets. You felt the way Daryl felt, completely terrible. You had similar conversations to people in the past, telling them you just didn’t want to have sex… you just couldn’t. They always left after, which honestly showed their true colors but in the end you were still alone with the hurt. This time it was different though because it was Daryl, you hadn’t felt this way in years and if he left… you wouldn’t just be heart broken, no your entire world would be shattered.

Daryl just sighed, pulling his pants up and then sitting down on the bed next to you. The bed dipped below you, causing you to slightly fall into him. He stretched his legs out, looking down at his feet.

“I want you y/n… and I want you badly.” He started, your heart was already starting to drop… waiting for his speech about how he’s going to leave you. “But if that’s not what you want then…. I’ll just have to deal with it.”

You were shocked, you assumed nothing good can come out of this conversation and you would be left heart broken once again. But Daryl Dixon was actually going to try to understand you, that was something the old Daryl wouldn’t even begin to think. Daryl really didn’t understand it, he truly didn’t because that’s unheard of from where he’s from but a lot of anything else hadn’t been heard of to him.

“Really?” You asked, puppy eyes staring up at him.

Daryl nodded, lifting his head away from his feet to make eye contact with you. Daryl liked sex but something about not having sex with a person he loved… he kind of admired. It makes the relationship feel real, like the thing in between your legs wasn’t holding your relationship all together. Besides Daryl wasn’t the biggest fan of sex, he liked it but it felt like too much work just for 20 seconds of Ecstasy.

“Sure, I mean ya gonna have to teach me…. Like how to not have sex and be like celibate and shit.” He started causing you to giggle.

It was funny to you how he still didn't understand still but he was trying. You weren’t celibate, you just simply decided not too. You would love for Daryl to be able to touch you and touch him but something about it just gave you a ick deep down inside you.

“Daryl!” You chuckled, slightly pushing him jokingly just to ease up the awkwardness. “Hun I’m not asking you to be celibate, I don’t mind if you give into some of your urges… I wouldn't mind you touching yourself when I’m around or maybe down the road you could touch me…”

Daryl blushed at that thought, the thought of being able to touch you or even hell… touching himself while you’re in the room with him as you watch him pleasure himself with a puppy dog look on your face. Daryl would kill for it so of course he’d wait for you, even if you never wanted to and you decided never to do anything ever… the thought alone would allow Daryl to die a happy man.

“I don’t know what I’m willing to do yet, I have no idea Daryl… maybe one day I’ll be ready or maybe I never will be, like I said, if you aren’t down with this, I mean if you think this will get in the way of our relationship. Just please tell me because if you leave now it’ll hurt less.” You paused, giving Daryl time to think about it. “I’m just sorry I can’t give you what you want, I should’ve told you sooner…”

“Jesus Christ woman!” Daryl raised his voice, cutting your sentence off. “Stop apologizing’!”

Daryl tried to come off as laid back, almost like he didn’t care but his voice was soaked with frustration. His frustration wasn’t because you wouldn’t have sex with him but because you don’t understand that he understood your boundaries. He didn’t want you to apologize for what you feel, you said once before that you would want him if you could… something inside of you just wouldn’t allow it though. Daryl wasn’t mad though, he wasn’t upset that he couldn’t get his dick wet or because he couldn’t see you on your knees below him. Would he want those things? Yes, but Daryl loved you… deep down inside he did so leaving you was not even a thing that crossed his mind.

“I ain’t leavin ya’ because you won’t let me fuck… don’t be stupid.” He started, attempting to look anywhere but your eyes but they pulled him in… staring into his soul, not allowing any secret to be untold. “You just have to teach me, I mean look at me, I’m a redneck that grew up on sex and drugs. So it ain’t normal for a girl to say she doesn’t want me for sex.”

Sex and drugs flowed deep down in Daryl’s redneck blood, but the other part of him just wanted someone to love. His love language is touch and kind words but he would never tell anyone that… ever. He relished in you cuddling him at night or telling him he did a great job hunting that day, every time you did something like that for him he would fall more in love with you. Daryl could live without sex, sex was just his way of being in a relationship with someone… it was his own way to feel closer to the person he was dating.

“ ‘sides sex is overrated, I mean it’s great when it’s done right but mostly… it ain’t done right.” He tried to joke, but the feelings of the conversation made him slightly uncomfortable.

You giggled at him, sitting down on the side of the bed so you were as close as you could be to Daryl. You grabbed his arm, wrapping yourself around him to give him a half ass cuddle. Daryl felt warm inside when you did this, he had never felt so close to you mentally or physically. Feelings icked him out but he realized how important they were for you.

“Thank you Daryl… I mean it, I know it’s weird how I am but it is how I am. You trying to understand it means a lot to me… I just don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me with things like that though, I’m still open to trying things or making you feel good…” you stated, resting your head on his shoulder. “Just need time..”

Daryl would wait, forever if he had too because honestly he was just happy you allowed him into your life. He felt you just being around him was a blessing and he couldn’t ask for anything better in life. Before you all he knew was how to fight and survive, the living part got blurred between the lines at some point. You brought back the reason as to why Daryl was still on this planet, you gave him the hope he needed throughout his entire life.

You looked up at him, rubbing his bicep in small circles. He sighed, watching you with content in his eyes. He looked down at your lips and then back at your eyes, watching you slowly get lost in his blue ones.

“You know… I still am always up for a makeout session, maybe you could do that thing with your tongue on my ear again?? I liked that…” you chuckled, watching as Daryl’s mouth curved into a smirk.

“Anything for you bunny…”

[charmingpplincardigans]

How’s everyone doing? I’ll go first, I’m bad!

I have been ~*~struggling~*~ since mid-September and in the last two weeks it has just gotten unbearable. I feel like I’m drowning all the time. I’m having trouble keeping up with and reaching out to people I want to talk to. And that’s like, on top of always having been bad at getting back to people. *stares forlornly at the ask Chaz sent me like, literally two years ago that I think about daily but just. haven’t. RESPONDED TO.*

Things are just. Closing in on all sides unfortunately. I’ve been sick several times. I bounced this month’s rent check. A thing I had NEVER DONE BEFORE IN MY LIFE before this last move. My job is literally never going to pay me what I’m worth. Or anyone what they’re worth, frankly. I broke down in front of my boss the other day and just sobbed for an hour because after I pay my bills every paycheck I have just enough left over to buy groceries for two weeks, if I’m careful, and little else. Which means I’m putting stuff like gas on credit cards, which isn’t helping the debt that makes me feel like drowning in the first place.  I’ve been at this job SEVENTEEN YEARS. A steady, corporate job. And I’ve never once in my entire time there made an actual cost of living raise!! The cost of living just keeps raising without me! (And also everyone else, I know!)

I’m super overdue on getting people the art they commissioned from me, but my brain just hasn’t been in a good enough place to create much of anything, and I keep thinking I have to get this done and then thinking they deserve better than this, around and around on a loop ad finitum. And there are a couple of other things going on personally that just fucking blow that I don’t know how to fix and I’m just gonna choke on it.

I haven’t done any fandom stuff since NYCC. I haven’t written on my WIP. I haven’t read fic. I don’t check in on the madness happening on twitter. I’ve barely popped my head into my favorite pirate group chat over the last five months or so. I miss doing all of that so much and my stupid brain is so broken that even when I try I can’t enjoy it.

Shit. I’m having a hard time getting work work done. I just sit down at my desk every day, answer emails, and then spend five or so hours frozen with anxiety because there’s too much to do and doing nothing is only making it worse every day.

I need to be back in therapy ASAP, but unfortunately you can’t eat therapy so I can’t pay for it!!

And I feel guilty saying any of this to almost everyone I would usually talk to. (Congrats and condolences to the rest of you!) Because they’re having a harder time than me. Or because they’d just want to give me a bit of money about it, which would fuck me up even more. Or because it’s just tedious and boring and no one wants to listen to me talk about this over and over again, even though it’s all my brain does every hour of every day. It’s a wonder I’m ever able to talk about anything else.

My boss is pretty great, in spite of it all. She’s constantly supportive (to the extent she can be), and she just. She tells me all the time how creative and wonderful and smart and cool to know I am. And every time I just like, tear up, because none of it feels true. But I also tear up when my friends and my partner say those things too. Because to me, a full grown adult without a savings or a 401K or the ability to like, go get drinks just because I want to, I feel like a complete and utter failure.  So like. Whatever I guess!!

I need to find a new job that pays me way more. Then I can get a therapist to fix my brain and save money to pay down my debts and have money to have fun with my friends and not feel like a constant financial burden on everyone. Then I can have the brain power back to maybe work on my fic or complete that art or like, I don’t know, talk to the people who actively want to talk to me. You wouldn't think that part would be so hard, but it really, really is.

I’m working on it. I’ll keep working on it. I have LinkedIn open right now. I’m gonna fucking sob through it, but that doesn’t mean none of it will get done.

In the meantime, if anyone knows of a good way to make a quick $30 grand, I’m all ears.

[emmy-dekarios-bg3]

Heart of the Weave - chapter 42

It’s a rather eerie evening and by that I mean I feel an unsettling presence nearby; then again, it could be my disturbing amount of anxiety that never leaves my body nowadays. With Fanden spying on us before, I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re actually being watched. Our friends, except Astarion and Shadowheart, are visiting tonight to discuss the venture ahead of us tomorrow and the plan to get rid of this vile situation for good. The last thing I want is confrontation with Gortash. Each time I visualize his face, I clench my fists and feel my heart about to burst into flames from the hatred I feel toward him. I thought I hated him before, I thought he was just a tyrant. He’s my father, someone who could have changed, someone who had the opportunity to choose love over power… But that’s too much to ask of him. Secrets were kept from me my entire life, and I’m still upset with my mother for not telling me the truth ages ago. Right now is not the time to feel this rage and overthink it; we need to go into action and prepare for what’s ahead.

Astarion is at home with Shadowheart and their toddler. With him being immortal and not being directly involved with our scenario, it’s safe to say they’ll be alright. If either of them need us while we’re away, I told Tara to let them know where we are and what we’re doing, and that neither of them need to be directly involved.

“Okay, so the plan is that we get all the explosives – yeah, WHIZBANGS! – and blow up Moonrise? Isn’t this, like, crazy illegal? Then again, what those fucks are doing is much worse and it’s best to put an end to it… Okay, I’m in,” Karlach chimes in enthusiastically as she cracks her knuckles as an attempt to be intimidating. I crack a light smile, still worried about the circumstances that we’re about to face. I’m just glad I’ll have Gale with me through it all. I hate that this is all happening; a string of horrifying events one after the other. Maybe this is it. Maybe our lives will go back to normal when this is said and done.

Confronting my biological father, who I didn’t realize was my father… Who would have thought?

“It’s a shame it has to come down to such a devastating circumstance since it was once such a beautiful place. The place will forever be corrupted by the, uh…corrupted, it seems,” Halsin adds. He’s right. It’s tragic that such a once-lovely piece of architecture ended up corrupted, and will only hold the horrible memories and lost souls within it. How unfortunate.

“I couldn’t agree more. Now, either Emmy or myself will have Jenevelle, but will stand far away from the explosives. All of us will be invisible so we won’t get caught. Once we arrive, it shouldn’t take long at all. Go in, boom, out we go,” Gale explains with a hushed tone.

“I hope once those bastards are dead, they’re dead for good.” My voice is full of worry, though I’m relieved we’re getting this over with. Gale rubs my back gently with his hand, giving me a reassuring look. The twinkle in his eyes brings me a sense of comfort somehow.

“No kidding! I’m sick of seeing Gortash’s stupid mug! No offense, Em. If it makes you feel any better, you look nothing like him.” Karlach always knows how to brighten someone’s day, that’s for sure. Gale sits down next to me on the sofa, wrapping his arm comfortably around my shoulders. If he’s nervous or anxious in any way, he’s doing a fantastic job at masking those feelings. Maybe it’s to keep me calm and collected.

“Baby, we’ll get through this like we always do. Jenevelle will be alright.” He’s right. Perhaps I’m second-guessing everything, or just letting my antsy mind get to me. I can feel my mind fogging, losing all recollection of previous thoughts from the past five minutes. An unexpected tingling sensation is causing me to feel drained.

“I wonder what he’s going to say to me. I know it won’t be an apology, that’s for sure.” Everyone in the room stares at me with puzzled expressions, as if I made no sense just now. “What?”

“Good thing you won’t find out, Emmy. We’re going to blast his ass before he’s aware we’re even there. Remember?” Wyll reminds me. What the hell. Am I losing sight of the plan now? Did I just have a huge moment of weakness where I completely lost track of what we’re doing? Get it together, Emmy.

“Right. Yes. I won’t have to say a damned word to him.”

“Say, when this is over with, can we go to the circus? I hear they hired a new clown, a professional this time. He has a background in stand-up comedy,” Karlach says excitedly, and I chuckle as I nod my head in agreement. “We all deserve a treato.” She’s always so positive no matter the circumstances. Wyll rolls his eyes and kisses her cheek, admiring her goofy and authentic self. It seems she’s not the only one that wants to see clowns. Their alignment with one another is perfect, and I love to see it after all this time. From enemies to unconditional lovers.

After our friends leave for the night, I steep myself some chamomile tea to relax before going to bed. I hold my cup, inhaling the soothing scent of fresh herbs, and feeling the calmness greet me as the steam is absorbed through my nostrils. Gale stands next to me in the kitchen while in his night time robe.

“Hey, I love you,” he murmurs, smiling at me with that particular smile that made me fall in love with him. The way it lifts his cheekbones and the sincerity of love it shows me causes my heart to throb with intensity, and I never want the feeling to fade. I smile, trying to hide my face as I blush but he chuckles, taking my chin with his fingers and moving my face toward him. “Ah-ah, you know I love to watch you blush.” He did that to me on purpose!

“Grr. I love you too,” I finally respond, fighting laughter. “Thank you for putting my mind at ease.” As he places his hands on my waist, I place my tea on the counter and proceed to wrap my arms around his neck, which I can hardly reach.

“Allow me to hold you for a moment, please?” He gently kisses my forehead, leaving his lips there for a moment. I close my eyes as I feel the endless warmth of his lips upon my flesh, feeling him rock me as we stand here in the middle of the kitchen. “I know you’ve been feeling so tense and that it feels like we’ll never catch a break. We will, I promise.”

[amatsuchan-eiliniel]

A desire of children

(Hopper O’Latock x Artemiy Artemyievich Pinker (Che'nya))

TW : mentions of mpreg, slight "smut" mentions (nothing too bad, but minors IWC). EXTRA : Hopper, Che'nya and any character involved are written post-graduation. Hopper is 21-22.

A warm summer day, brightened by the sun and only a few clouds in the sky as Hopper was reading once more, settled at the beach, the warm sand glued to his shorts as the sound of the waves was the only music to the boy’s ears. But even if the sea could calm him down, in fact he wasn’t so apeased. He wasn’t focused on his book, forced to read the same line over and over to fully understand the sentences in front of him. His eyes were moving a lot between the pages and the environment, as though something was running free in his head, something that he couldn’t stop at all. It was anxiety, for sure, but with a bit of something else. 

Two days ago, he had a little conversation with Ace, his old friend from school. Something unexpected, just a little chit-chat that diverged into something more serious as time flew. 

“I don’t know what to do.” 

Hopper’s statement was as unexpected as the rest of the conversation. At first, Ace thought Hopper would rumble about their time at NRC, his books, his anxiety or anything that the white-haired boy was used to talking about. So, the ginger sight and laid back on his chair with a bored expression. 

“Yeah, yeah, your bookshop, I know you're alone because Mary-Ann took her vacation but listen-

-I’m not talking about that.” 

Ace stopped, interrupted by the calm yet serious voice of Hopper. Of course he wasn’t talking about that. 

“I’m talking about…bunnies...and kittens.” 

Ace frowned, not sure about how the conversation would evolve now. Hopper was often talking about bunnies, and yet his tone indicated that he wasn’t talking about it as usual. That wasn’t about bunnies and kittens, it was about…bunnies and kittens.

“Hum…Yea, bunnies? Like…bunnies? Buns? Little hoppy things? Or are you talking about yourself…?” 

Hopper didn’t know where to begin, nor how to put his thoughts in order. 

“It’s unfair… Ladies can be bred, and give birth. And I can’t despite wanting bunnies. and kittens.” 

There, Ace was truly lost. His eyes shifted to the side, looking away for a moment to think about what Hopper wanted to say exactly.

“Wait, what’s the link between rabbits, kittens and women…? And women aren’t “breded”, Hopper they’re…Ooooooooh, you want to be a woman!? Trans coming-out!?

-What!? No…! Not at all, it’s…well, yes I would prefer to be a female if that means I can have bunnies of my own…”

Ace laid back again, this time more interested even if Hopper’s discourse was still rambling. Suddenly, Hopper got up from his chair, almost making it fall on the ground.

“I know! I almost forgot we were mages! Ace, do you know if a breeding potion exists?” 

The ginger boy’s eyes widened in shock, almost falling from his chair his turn under the sudden burst of motivation from his friend. 

“Uuuuuuh, breeding potion…? Don’t you mean pregnancy potion…? Yes, it does exist but for women…What do you want to do with it?” 

Hopper began to think hard on a way to get all his thoughts all together. It was hard, but his motivation was present. 

“Listen, I would like to make a pregnancy potion for men.

-Wha- WHAT!?”

Hopper quickly grabbed his friend’s hands together, pressing them with passion.

“We’re mages. I know Vil Schoenheit, let’s say he’s a friend of my friend so it doesn’t matter, he would maybe help me make a potion. Trust me, it’ll be fine, I know what I have to do!” 

And that’s how the white-haired boy ended up at the beach, not paying attention to the pages that were flying in the wind, making him lose his. It was a matter of time and he wanted to do it, it was his biggest project. And he needed to tell his cat fiancé about it. It was a matter of time. 

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶

Unfortunately, Vil wasn’t here. Fortunately, Hopper helped him to get the potion and he knew exactly how to use it and where it was. And of course, he brought his partner with him, unsure how to behave nor what Hopper had in his mind. 

“Hoppyon~ Where are we going now, nya?~

-Trust me, I know it’s somewhere here…”

Hopper was searching in all the cupboards of the lab, seeking a little bottle. When he got it, he showed it proudly to Che'nya. The bottle was little, inside the liquid was as blue as the ocean, and sparkling, and the recipient was closed with a tight little pink ribbon (of course, Vil didn’t make that. It was Hopper’s idea). 

“What is this little pretty bottle, mh?~

-The key! My next great joy, my happiest ever after…” 

It was clear that the white-haired boy was excited and also looking at the bottle as though it was his savior. He calmed down and took a deep breath before speaking in his usual calm tone.

“I was…a bit jealous. Women can give birth, and…female rabbits can be bred. That’s how nature works. I was a bit jealous. No baby rabbits to give birth to, no litter of bunnies, no children of my own. I began to hate what I am, for not being a woman. And I…I want children with you, Che'nya.” 

Cheny'as eyes widened lightly, ears pointing up in alert, processing what his boyfriend just said. 

“Really~? But Precious can't give life like that, that's nature and that's sad~

-I know, and that’s why we have this.” 

Hopper looked at the potion, the liquid sparkling like never before. 

“It’s a pregnancy potion. It allows any living being to be bred and to give birth…The drinker just has to take it before the...thing, and until giving birth. So…I wanted to try it. Vil helped me with it.” 

Hopper suddenly seemed taken aback by something, and his expression seemed a bit off and sad, until he quickly recovered. As he saw his partner hesitate, taken aback by the whole situation and not saying anything under the shock, he whispered : 

“Would you like me to hold our buns and kittens, love…?” 

to be continued…

︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶

If you already saw this OS before, no you didn't! (Yes you did)

Originally, this OS has been written for an ex-friend. Sadly, this person was acting weird towards minors in the TWST fandom and I had to block her for obvious reasons. It took me a while before doing this because I loved our OC x OC ship so damn much.

But I thought, if I edit this OS to fit on one of my ships, and an OC x CC one this time, it should be okay. And knowing that Hopper and Che'nya headcanonically have children, that was the moment to edit this!! So, yeah, the age changed, the ship changed, but not the plot. Some things may have changed in the conversations to fit better, though.

Thank you @kiyomizuki for being the best Che'nya, I hope you'll appreciate this as much as I did while writing it!

[onceuponastory]

letting you down - rockstar!bucky x reader

Don't you get sick of only hearing your own voice? Talk like you're so damn tough, but you're just a little boy You like to think you've broke the mould, but now I'm sure, You'll crack just like the rest when I break your fucking jaw! - the best thing (that never happened) by we are the in crowd

Edit: Although the girl I used in the original moodboard was meant to be Natasha, I want my fics to be inclusive for all, so have updated the moodboard to reflect this. Plot: Tour romances mean nothing serious...right?

Or, fresh out of a breakup and deciding to focus on her music, Y/N jumps at the chance to go on tour with one of her favourite bands to take her mind off of things. Especially romance. Unfortunately for her, their drummer just can't keep his eyes off of her. Pairing: Rockstar!Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader Warnings: Emotional abuse and manipulation (not from Bucky), reader’s ex being a dick, self doubt, a tiny mention of violence and anxiety. As always, if I miss any triggers, please let me know. Notes: Another rockstar Bucky fic, because I do love him so. Also, this was inspired by song above, so I recommend you listen to it (also because it’s a great song). Again, thanks to @staticscreenwriting / @astartothemoon for my dividers. Not beta’d, so any mistakes are my own.

Taking a seat on the cold wooden chair in her agent’s office, Y/N anxiously nibbles on the skin of her lip, almost tearing it off with how nervous she is. Only an hour ago, she was told to come to the office urgently because her agent had news for her, too important to share over the phone. The whole time, she’s been wracking her brain to figure out what she could want to tell her. And each time, her mind has come up with the worst potential outcomes. And after just being dumped, that’s the last thing she needs right now. “So, we have some news.” Helen, her agent, announces, peering at her over the frame of her glasses. Y/N gulps. It’s the sort of look a mother gives her child when they’re caught sneaking cookies out of the jar, or when she knows that they’re the one who broke her vase. Either way, it’s not a good sign. She’s definitely about to be dropped. Maybe Dylan's right. Maybe she’s not cut out for this. Her stomach churns, and she warily eyes the exit, just in case.

“Good news, I hope…?” She chuckles awkwardly, starting to hope the ground will swallow her whole.

“It depends on whether you have any plans in September.” Frowning, Y/N raises a brow. However, before she can even ask why, Helen continues. “Because The End of The Line wants you to open for them on their US Tour that month.” She states casually. Y/N’s mouth drops open.

“WHAT?!” she squeals. “Are you serious?!” The End of The Line is a band she knows very well. Okay, she knows their music. Yet, considering how they’ve got multiple number ones and album nominations under their belts, practically everyone knows who they are. They’re one of the most successful bands going in the scene right now. But she had no idea they knew who she was. What feels like only a few months ago, Y/N was posting her own original songs on her YouTube and performing in her local bar…and now, she’s going on tour with one of her favourite bands. Not even that. Imagine the exposure this could bring. All the new fans and support. She doesn’t even realise how much her heart is beating or how close she is to hyperventilating until Helen passes over a glass of water.

“Don’t be so modest.” She tuts. “The first single you released has been in the Top 10 for weeks, and your album is selling incredibly well. You’re in high demand, and people know it.” Y/N gulps down the water almost in one go, still shaking. “Are you okay? I don’t want you passing out on my floor.”

“No, no. I’m okay! I’m good.” Y/N lies. Helen raises a brow.

“Okay, well I need to confirm your attendance with their team so they can schedule a meeting with them and the band to go over venues. And then there’s merchandising, transport arrangements….” Helen’s voice fades into static as Y/N grapples with the situation. She’s going on tour with one of her favourite bands. They know who she is, and they like her. She pinches her skin a few times, wondering if she’s still dreaming. That she’ll open her eyes and she’ll be a nobody again, her perfect Cinderella story over. 

However, the repeated pinching doesn’t work, meaning that this is real. That revelation somehow both makes her relieved and absolutely terrified. Sure, she’s going on her first tour…but that means there’s more people to disappoint. The band, for a start. But then again, going on tour means meeting one of her favourite bands ever. Not to mention that by getting herself out there, more and more people can discover her music, and she can hopefully do what she loves for a living, rather than waiting tables for the rest of her life. Which means potentially more tours and new albums. And she won’t have to spend as much time in her practically empty apartment now that Dylan’s left. “So? What should I say?” Helen asks, peering over the rim of her glasses again.

Taking a breath, Y/N answers: “Tell them I’d love to tour with them.”

A few weeks later, Y/N and Helen enter the building where she’s about to meet The End of the Line and their agent. Glancing around the vast building, Y/N’s heart rate picks up. A year ago, she could only dream of going to a place like this for a visit, let alone to meet one of the biggest bands in the scene to plan a tour with them. As they enter the elevator, Y/N fiddles with the waistband of her trousers, suddenly feeling more and more constricted. 

“Maybe this was the wrong outfit choice. Maybe I should’ve been more casual?” She wonders. “Actually, maybe I should just go. I definitely do not fit in here. Sure, I’ll be getting out of the house, but is it really worth all this?” Y/N bounces anxiously on her heels, waiting for the elevator to reach the floor they need so she can make a break for it. 

“Y/N, please calm down before you stress me out. That’s the last thing either of us needs.” Helen sighs.

“Sorry. I’m just nervous.” Yet she can tell Helen’s words are not malicious. Helen really does care for her. She just has a funny way of showing it sometimes.

“I know. Trust me, though, they don’t bite. And I made Tony promise that he’d play nice, too.” She chuckles. Y/N doesn’t laugh. The elevator dings, and Helen announces that they’ve made it. Y/N’s heart drops. Although she considered running, she now can’t move. “Come on.” Helen orders, beckoning her to follow. Y/N does as she asks, as if on autopilot.

“That woman must have magic powers.” She thinks to herself.

When they reach the meeting room, to Y/N’s surprise, Helen simply walks in without knocking, giving her no time to prepare. 

“Well, look who finally arrived! It’s wonderful to see you again, Helen.” A man grins, shaking Helen’s hand. He’s dressed in a crisp black suit, one that Y/N recognises absolutely costs more than her rent for a year. Presumably that’s Tony. Y/N steps forward, ready to introduce herself. Until-

“Hey! You must be Y/N!” Before she can even react, Natasha Romanoff is standing in front of her. Y/N gulps. 

“Yeah, that’s me. It’s nice to meet you!” She holds out a hand for her to shake, but Natasha pulls her into a hug instead. 

“There’s one thing you gotta know about Nat. She’s a hugger.” She recognises Steve’s voice, but suddenly realising Natasha Romanoff is a real person to then being hugged by her in such a short space of time is a lot for Y/N to cope with.

“You’re gorgeous! I can’t wait to go on tour with you!” Nat squeals, and Y/N mutters something in reply, still in shock. 

“Nat, let the poor girl breathe and let the rest of us say hi!” a voice speaks, and Y/N is soon released from Nat’s grasp. Then, she meets the rest of the band, starting with Steve and Sam. “And over there is…” 

But the man on the couch needs no introduction. Bucky Barnes leans against the back of the couch, twirling a drumstick between his tattooed fingers. In fact, tattoos cover both of his arms and most of his hands, little of his actual skin showing. He cocks his head, looking over her body with a smile. This man just oozes confidence…and he’s fucking gorgeous.

“Bucky.” She whispers, although not quietly enough, as Bucky laughs.

“Yup, that’s me.” Y/N blushes. Bucky gets up and shakes her hand. Her fingers brush over the calluses dotted around his fingers, and a shiver reverberates through her body. “Nice to meet you.” He smiles, and Y/N gulps. Fuck, this man is attractive, and he knows it. And he probably knows that she knows it too, given how he’s looking at her. Nothing can come of this, though. She’s here to do a job and for her music, not to fall in love. Especially after everything that’s happened in her love life, and especially not with a band guy like Bucky Barnes. 

“Come on, let’s start planning.” Tony orders. As the group takes their seats, Bucky sits right across from her, still smiling. Still staring at her. Y/N’s breath hitches in her throat.

She can already tell…he’s got trouble written all over him.

The next few months of interviews, photoshoots and practice sessions whizz by in a blur. In seemingly no time at all, it’s time for Y/N to go on tour. She looks up at the tour buses, her stomach churning with both excitement and her nerves. 

Is it too early to go home?

“Hey! You made it!” a voice calls. And there go her escape plans.

“Hey Eddie. Do you know where I’m supposed to be staying? Am I with you guys on your bus?" she asks. Eddie is one of the band’s merch guys, and since meeting, the pair gelled right away, something which Y/N is immensely grateful for. Of course, she’s glad she and the band are getting on so well, but it’s nice to have a friend who isn’t in a band, someone she can just talk to about anything. In all honesty, Y/N’s still nervous around the band. They’re lovely, but she’s star-struck and hopelessly awkward whenever she’s with them, which isn’t a good thing when you’re trying to make friends. 

To her confusion, though, Eddie chuckles. “Sorry Y/N, but you’re not with us.” He gestures his head to the other bus. “The musicians are all in there.” Y/N gulps. This isn’t what she expected. She feels like a fish out of water, even now. Like she doesn’t belong. She’s just an opener, a nobody.

“But-” 

“Yes, that means you too.” Eddie cuts her off. “And we’re full.” He continues before she can say anything more. “On you go.” When she doesn’t move, he gently nudges her forward, towards the door of the bus. “You better be fast and get a good bunk!” He calls after her as she nervously steps on board. 

As she makes her way to the bunk area, clutching her bag close to her chest, Y/N looks around the bus, her home for the next few weeks. Its kitchenette is even bigger than her kitchen at home. Actually, this whole bus is bigger than her apartment. Earlier this year, she could only dream of standing on a bus like this, yet alone living here. This is definitely going to take some getting used to. 

“Hey guys.” She smiles when she reaches the bunks. They all smile when they see her, each welcoming her to her new home, which makes her feel a little less nervous. “So, which bunk is mine?” 

“You’re up here, above me.” Bucky answers. Y/N’s eyes widen, and immediately, her nervousness is back. Bucky? She’s sleeping in close proximity to Bucky? The same drummer who’s been on her mind ever since she met him, despite her attempts to block him out? How can this possibly go wrong? “I hope that’s okay. If you’d rather have the bottom one, just say.” He reassures her. Despite her nerves, Bucky’s commitment to making sure she’s okay and comfortable makes her smile. 

“No, the top one is totally fine. Thanks Bucky.” She nods, trying to throw her bag onto the bed, but unable to reach.

“Let me help you with that.” Bucky chuckles. 

“Are you sure? I’m okay Bucky, it’s-” But the bag falls to the floor before she can finish her sentence. Bucky laughs again. Yet it’s not a mocking laugh. It’s a friendly laugh, actually. “Okay, maybe I do need help.” Bucky picks up her bag, lifting it over her head and onto the bunk with ease. As he does, she immediately notices his proximity to her. He’s so close that he’s almost trapping her between the bunks. So close she could reach out and run her finger along every single outline of each of Bucky’s tattoos, touch every freckle and birthmark dotting his skin. Y/N gasps. She never realised how muscular he was at first. “Thanks.” She smiles.

“You’re welcome.” He nods. For a moment, it’s as if it’s just them two on the bus, in their own little universe, each staring into the other’s eyes. But then, a little voice sounds in Y/N’s head.

“Don’t get with band dudes. They’re no good. And they’re the last thing you need, especially now.” And so, she pulls away. As she does, she registers Bucky’s smile faltering slightly. “So, what are the beds like? Are they comfy?” She asks, climbing up to her bunk, hoping to change the subject. 

“Yeah, they’re alright.” Bucky replies, his voice mumbled slightly. As she lays down, Bucky’s smile fading and his slight disappointment replays in her mind. His disappointment confuses her.

This is for her own good.

For both of their own good.

So why does she feel so bad about it?

Early the next morning, Y/N sits alone at the small table in the bus’ kitchenette, staring out at the window and watching the world go by. A steaming mug of coffee sits opposite her. Unsurprisingly, her nerves meant she didn’t sleep well the night before. Especially since tomorrow marks the first night of the tour, and her first time performing for people who aren’t the regulars at her local bar.

“Hey.” A familiar voice speaks, pulling her out of her thoughts as Bucky sits opposite her. Y/N rubs her eyes, mumbling a good morning. “You good? Wasn’t expecting anyone else to be up so early.” He remarks. She waits, a part of her expecting a cheeky or sarcastic comment to follow. However, there’s no malice in Bucky’s comment. In fact, it’s far from cruel. It’s from a place of concern, making sure she’s alright after having her world changed practically overnight. And Y/N appreciates it more than he’ll ever know.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Y/N murmurs, wiping at her eyes. “Just homesick, that’s all. I’m not used to being away from home on tour yet. I mostly just stick to playing local bars.” It’s not exactly a lie. Sure, it’s not the main reason she’s sitting here teary eyed at not even 8.30am, but it’s still part of it. Bucky’s brow furrows. A part of her expects him to judge her, or to laugh at her for being so inexperienced. Like she’s used to people doing. Well…like she’s used to Dylan doing. Or worse, he’ll start prying. Something she absolutely isn’t ready for. However, Bucky simply nods. 

“Yeah, I get that. It took us all a while to get used to it, too. But don’t worry, you’re doing great, and you’re definitely good enough to be on tour.” And for the first time that morning, Y/N finds herself smiling. 

“So, now we’ve established why I’m here so early in the morning, can I ask why you are?” 

“Well, I’ve always been a bit of an early bird, and when you share a bus with three other people, some of whom snore….” He trails off, and he and Y/N laugh. “I usually take this time to write some music, but it’s nice to have some new company for once.”

“Have you been working on anything special?” Bucky shrugs.

“Just some things here and there. Maybe we could plan a writing session.” 

“Just us?” Y/N regrets the question almost immediately. Because who does that? Who asks a cute guy who talks about hanging out with you if his friends will tag along too?

“If you want.” Bucky smiles, and something in Y/N’s stomach flutters. “Okay, I’m gonna get some breakfast.” Bucky announces, getting up. “Do you want some?”

“Sure, what have you got?”

“We have…cereal or cereal.” He offers, holding up two boxes. Y/N laughs.

“Wow, what varied choices. I think I’ll have cereal, please.” Y/N points out the box she wants, and Bucky nods.

“A wise choice.” Y/N giggles again, and he grins. He passes over a bowl and sits back down. The pair chat as they eat their breakfast, laughing at each other’s jokes. Y/N can feel her heart beating like crazy. She never imagined she would be here, doing simple things like eating breakfast with a rockstar, or that they’d get along so well. Especially so soon after having her heart broken. It’s an unfamiliar experience…but it’s a nice, comfortable one all the same. 

As the morning goes on, the rest of the band slowly make their way towards them, and the bus fills with laughter and chatter. Bucky drums a rhythm on the table, and once again Y/N finds herself smiling as she watches him play, and as the others all sing along. Yet, despite how much fun she’s having at that moment, all she can think about is when this tour will be over, and how, when it ends, she’s going to be heartbroken and alone all over again. And she can’t handle that pain. Not again.

She has to limit the risk of heartbreak, wherever possible. 

The next night, Y/N paces around the green room, nervously murmuring to herself. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Oh god, they’re gonna hate me.” She wrings her hands together. “Is it too late to go home?”

“Hey, it’s alright Y/N. Calm down. Take deep breaths.” Sam encourages. 

“Yeah, you’ll be fine! You’ve practised more than enough for this. We were nervous our first time too.” Natasha continues, and the others nod. Yet, Y/N shakes her head.

“No. I won’t. It’s a huge crowd, and I’m not good enough.” A figure stands in front of her, gently taking her arms.

“Y/N.” Bucky. “I promise you, you are good enough for this. After all, that’s why we brought you on tour with us, right, guys?” A chorus of agreement fills the room, alleviating her worry slightly. 

“What if they hate me, though?”

“Nobody’s going to hate you. Did you see the reaction we got when we announced you? Everyone is so excited, and you’re going to go out there and kill it, just like you did in rehearsal.” Seeing that she’s still nervous, Bucky leans in slightly closer. “When you’re out there, imagine you’re performing just for us, like before. Think you can do that?” He asks.

“I guess….” She murmurs, and Bucky smiles. 

“Good girl. Want us to walk down to the stage with you?” He asks, and she nods. When the time comes, the band does exactly that, reassuring her the whole way there. As she waits for the song before she goes out to finish, Y/N takes deep breaths. She registers someone squeezing her hand, and Bucky whispers in her ear. “Don’t worry. Just like you practised. We’ll be right here, watching.” Y/N nods.

And then, it’s time, and Y/N steps onto the stage. Immediately, she launches into her first song. To her surprise, most of the crowd seems to know it, and she can see the people in the first few rows singing along and dancing. Even those who don’t know her look like they’re having a good time. And the same things happen with the second song. And the next song. The crowd seems to love her. 

After a few songs, Y/N takes a minute to have a drink.

“Hey guys! I’m Y/N.” The crowd cheers, and she can’t help but smile. “Some of you may know this, but this is my first actual show on an actual tour, and what a fucking amazing crowd and band to start my tour life with!” More cheers. “So thank you all, but especially thank you to The End of the Line!” She glances to the side of the stage, catching the eyes of the band. All four grin, giving her a thumbs up. Y/N smiles proudly. “This next song is called Crimson. Sing along if you know it.”

Y/N’s set goes by both quicker and better than she expected. As she gets closer to the end of her set, the band leaves to finish getting ready for their own set. However, Y/N doesn’t mind. She already feels more confident than she did at the beginning. As she finishes up her last song, she calls out: “Thank you all so fucking much! I’m gonna be hanging out at the merch table over there for a bit if you wanna come say hi or tell me I was shit. Fuck it, you guys bought the tickets.” She giggles. “Goodnight!”

When she makes it to the merch stand, Eddie hands her a beer, which she almost downs. “Damn girl.” Eddie praises. “That was fucking awesome!”

“You think?”

“Uh, yeah! The crowd loved you. We’ve sold a bunch of your merch already.” She gasps.

“You’re kidding.” He shakes his head, gesturing to something behind her. Y/N turns around to see some girls standing there, staring at her all wide eyed. “Oh sorry. Am I in your way for merch? Just tell me to move. It’s okay.”

“You were amazing! I love your music so much.” One of them grins, holding out her ticket and a sharpie. “Can you sign my ticket, please?” Y/N’s mouth drops open. She wasn’t actually expecting people to want to meet her.

“And mine!” The others chorus.

“T-Thanks!” Still slightly in shock, Y/N nods, signing each ticket and taking pictures with each of them. Soon, a few more fans come to see her, and still amazed, Y/N repeats the cycle. This is her first ever meet and greet, the first time people actually like her.

“Have a good night!” She calls as they go back towards the crowd. “Did that just happen, or am I fucking dreaming?!” she asks Eddie, who laughs.

“I told you. They love you.”

During The End Of The Line’s set, Y/N stands side stage watching them, smiling and singing along to every song as the crowd laps it up, screaming every word back to them. They’re such incredible performers. Maybe one day, that’ll be her, selling out venues across the country. She glances out on the stage, watching as the band plays. Natasha jumps around, her red hair swinging around wildly. Sam and Steve lean against each other as they play their guitars, smiling and joking with each other. And then, she sees Bucky, drumming furiously, his arms moving rapidly. He throws his hands up into the air, twirling his drumsticks between his fingers. Once the song ends, he runs his hand through his hair, strands sticking to his sweaty forehead. Breathlessly, he smiles, mouthing a thank you to the crowd. Y/N feels her breath hitching in her throat. He looks so gorgeous, a true rockstar. 

In an ideal world, one where she and her love life aren’t so broken, they’d probably be together. But there’s no way that can happen. She can see how the girls in the crowd look at him and the others. If he has the pick of any girl he wants, why would he ever go for her?

After all, she’s just an opener. Feeling her heart sinking, Y/N sighs sadly. With one last look at Bucky, she turns and walks back to the green room.

After their set, the band comes back to the green room. To her surprise, though, they’re not talking about their set…they’re talking about hers. “I knew it! You were perfect!” Natasha squeals. “We’re so proud of you!”

“And Eddie told us about your meet and greet. The fans love you.” Sam praises. Before Y/N can say anything, the band envelopes her in a group hug. The overwhelming love and support shown to her throughout the night suddenly reaches a head. Immediately, tears come to her eyes, and soon, Y/N begins crying.

“Oh god, sorry was it too much? We can be a lot, so if you’re uncomfortable, just tell us, sweetheart.”

“No! I’m just…not used to all this, to being shown so much support all at once.” She murmurs, and a chorus of “awww!” fills the room.

“Trust us.” Natasha smiles. “You deserve it.”

“Welcome to touring life Y/N! As a celebration, I say we go get food. My treat.” Steve grins.

“Wow, you’re paying? That’s new. You should savour this experience Y/N.” Sam teases, and the group dissolves into laughter. As she looks around at the band, her new friends who changed her life, Y/N smiles, already feeling her anxieties beginning to melt away slightly.

“Come on then. Let’s go.”

“That was so good. And it tasted even better since I didn’t pay.” Sam grins, and Y/N laughs. 

“Shove off. It’s your turn next time.” Steve replies. As Sam, Steve and Natasha walk on ahead, Bucky falls into step beside her. Right away, she can feel her heart rate beginning to increase.

“I’ve eaten so much, I’m surprised I’m still able to walk.” She murmurs, and Bucky laughs. 

“Yeah, I feel that. We go there every time we’re here, and every time I eat too much too. Join the club.” Y/N looks up, glancing at the stars. She used to wish on them every night, hoping someone would discover her, and that she might actually have a shot at making music, the thing she loves, her job. And now, here she is. Maybe dreams come true after all. “So.” Bucky begins, drawing her focus back to him. “Is there anywhere on this tour you’re most excited to go to?” 

“I don’t really know. In all honesty, this whole thing and getting to tour the country is still mind blowing to me. I’m happy to go anywhere.” Smiling, Bucky nods. 

“Yeah, I was the same when we first started out. You’ll still pinch yourself, even when you get as famous as us. And I have every faith you’ll get there.” Y/N gasps. It’s strange, how he’s so much more famous than her, and yet he still talks to her and treats her like he’s his equal. He really is one of the kindest people she knows. Her stomach twists in knots. And that’s going to make leaving him even more difficult. “I’m most excited to be back in New York, though. Even though I moved away, hometown shows are always the best.”

“You’re from New York too? Same!” Bucky smiles. Her eyes trace along Bucky’s jawline, illuminated by the streetlights. He looks so beautiful. She feels Bucky’s hand brushing against hers, and her heart rate increases.

If dreams do come true...she has an idea for a new one.

“Really? That’s awesome. You know, there’s a really great Italian restaurant I go to all the time whenever I’m there. Maybe we could go.” Y/N suppresses a laugh. She’d love that more than anything, but deep down, she knows he doesn’t really mean it. It’s just him trying to be nice. He’ll forget about her when all of this is over. They all will. And she can’t even blame them for it. Sighing, she nods.

“Yeah. That’d be nice.” 

As the tour continues, Y/N’s confidence continues to grow. Each night, she becomes more and more excited to go on stage. And in turn, she becomes more confident around the band, and spends more time with them, whether it’s writing songs together, shopping with Natasha, or hanging out with Sam and Steve. Basically, her touring life is perfect…aside from one little thorn in her side.

Bucky Barnes.

It’s not that Bucky has been horrible to her, not at all. In fact, he’s been the same kind and welcoming person he’s always been. That’s the problem. He’s so kind that it’s hard to not get close to him, or to want to spend time with him. Especially since she can already feel herself falling deeper in love with him with every passing day. Each time she has to pull away, Y/N feels terrible. 

“So.” Natasha smirks one day whilst they’re out shopping. “When are you gonna put that poor boy out of his misery?” When Y/N raises a brow, Natasha rolls her eyes. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I mean! Bucky is so clearly whipped for you, and you’re obviously into him. I can see it all over you.” She grins. Y/N gulps. Despite how happy she is to know that Bucky might feel the same way about her, this is the last thing she wanted to happen. 

“Nothing is going to happen Nat. And you don’t even know if that’s true.” She points out. Natasha says something in reply, but Y/N doesn’t hear it. All she can think about is how big of a problem this is, and how she’s going to have to break Bucky’s heart even more. Of course, the idea of just telling him the truth and admitting her feelings has crossed her mind a few times. Yet, despite how much she wants to do that, and to stop letting her fear and Dylan ruin her new chance at happiness…she’s too afraid to admit the truth, and to drag Bucky into her mess. Or to lose him, and be heartbroken all over again. And this time, it’ll hurt even more than it did with Dylan.

As soon as they get back, Y/N enters the bus, shutting the door behind them. She climbs into her bunk. Angrily throwing the pillow across her bunk, Y/N grabs her phone. Hopefully, scrolling through social media will make her feel better. And at first, it works as posts from her fans fill her feed. She likes and comments on a few, continuing to scroll. As Y/N reads their words, a smile grows on her face. She’s so lucky to have her fans and their support. But then, another post appears. One of her ex and her ex-best friend. Immediately, her heart sinks. They’re still together, smiling like nothing happened, acting like they haven’t left a trail of destruction in their wake and ruined her life. She’s sitting here, terrified of getting too close to Bucky and the others in case she gets hurt like that again. And the people who did it to her in the first place don't even care. They never did.

Angrily, Y/N grips her blanket, grabbing her songwriting notebook and opening it.

It’s about time she lets out her emotions.

“Is Y/N okay?” Sam asks the next morning, after they arrive in New York. “I didn’t see much of her last night, and she shut herself away as soon as we got to the venue.” Bucky furrows his brow, concern flooding his features. Y/N barely spoke to anyone, only a few words here and there. Natasha shrugs.

“She said she’s busy writing, and she doesn’t want to be disturbed. I guess we’ll find out when her new song comes out.” That makes Bucky even more concerned. He knows all about being in a deeply focused, creative headspace, and how you don’t want to speak to anyone until it’s done. But he also knows how bad it can be when you shut yourself away for so long, especially when she already looks so upset. He’ll have to check on her when he gets the chance.

Yet, the next time he sees Y/N is when she’s getting ready to go on and is in a rush. 

“Are you sure you’re alright? We were worried about you.” He asks, watching as she runs around the room, spraying hairspray and perfume everywhere. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Much better.” She insists, reapplying her lipstick in the mirror and giving herself one last check over. “Right, I gotta go. Talk soon, yeah?”

“But-” Bucky begins, cut off by Y/N placing her hand on his arm.

“Bucky, trust me. I’m okay. Bye!” And then she’s gone, leaving the scent of perfume in her wake. Despite his concern, Bucky chuckles. She sure is something. Tonight, she looks like an angel, glitter covering her lids and outfit. She looks beautiful. But she always does. This entire tour, he’s been trying to find the guts to tell her the truth about how he feels, with no luck. And the way she always turns him down or pulls away at the last second makes him think she doesn’t feel the same. Turning, Bucky follows her down towards the stage. 

Although, if she doesn’t feel the same way, he’d understand. When he gets to the side stage, Y/N is already on, in the middle of her first song. Bucky watches her as she works through her first few songs, smiling. The way she controls and interacts with the crowd is incredible, much better than he could ever do.

“Well, hello New York!” Y/N shouts into the mic, the ending of her sentence being drowned out by screams and cheers. “You guys are fucking awesome. Thank you so much!” Another round of cheering sounds, and Y/N grins, the lighting illuminating her teeth and the glitter she’s wearing. Bucky watches, smiling. “Are you guys excited for The End of The Line?” The crowd goes wild again, and Y/N laughs. “That was probably a stupid question.”

“I wanna try something new with you guys, if that’s okay.” She continues, and Bucky raises a brow. “But it means I have to tell you a story too…. Oh, I can see complete excitement on your faces, so I won’t talk too long then.” She jokes, laughing. And then, Bucky realises he’s laughing too. “So a few months ago, just before The End of The Line invited me on their tour, my boyfriend dumped me over text.” The crowd immediately starts booing, whilst Bucky raises an eyebrow. She never mentioned this. “I know! But unfortunately, it’s not just that, New York. He told me he was dumping me for one of my best friends. The same friend he was cheating on me with for the last few months of our relationship. Apparently, me playing shows was too much for him to handle, and I’d never be famous, so he had to think of his future with a girl who ‘knows what she’s doing, instead of just a bar singer’ like me.” The boos intensify, and Y/N nods, clutching a hand to her chest. “I know! At first, I let his words get to me. Look at me now, though!” The crowd cheers, and Y/N grins. “So, I put all my pain and anger into a song, and I’d like to perform it for the first time for you guys. Is that cool with you?!” The crowd goes wild, and Y/N grins, tuning her guitar. “Okay, okay! I hear you loud and clear. If you’ve ever had to deal with a shitty person in your life, I hope this song speaks to you as much as it does to me…and that you tell them to go fuck themselves.” She smirks, and Bucky laughs. “This song is called Letting You Down.” 

As the song plays, Y/N sings with more passion and fury than Bucky has ever seen. She controls the crowd masterfully, having them hanging onto every word she sings. For only just starting out, she really is a natural. Yet, her admission replays through his mind. Hearing how poorly she was treated infuriates him. Y/N’s such a talented and good-hearted person, and she doesn’t deserve that. Her ex obviously has no idea what he’s talking about. Although going through all that may explain why she’s been pulling away from him so much, and so nervous about being on tour. Y/N needs to know how talented and loved she is. And if she doesn’t, he’ll tell her every day.  

After Y/N’s set, Bucky waits in the green room for her. When she walks in and sees Bucky sitting there, her eyes widen. “Aren’t you meant to be on stage in like five minutes?” She frowns. Bucky shakes his head.

“That’s not important right now. I need to talk to you.” Her face falls.

“You heard, didn’t you?” He hates how small and ashamed her voice sounds, like he’d be mad at her for admitting the truth. Bucky nods, stepping closer.

“I did, listen Y/N, I-”

“Buck, come on, we have to go!” Steve calls, poking his head through the door. Bucky doesn’t even care. He just wants to be with Y/N. “Buck!” Steve repeats.

“You need to go!” Y/N insists.

“But-”

“Bucky. Go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” She promises, gently pushing him towards the door.

Throughout the entirety of their set, all Bucky can do is think of Y/N, and the things he needs to say to her. Things he’s wanted to say to her from the beginning. The second their set is finished, Bucky runs backstage. Y/N sits in the green room, anxiously fiddling with her thumbs. 

“Y/N.” He smiles, breathless. She looks up at him, her face falling. Bucky’s heart sinks. He hates seeing her so upset. “Can I sit?” She nods. “Y/N, I-”

“Look Bucky.” She sighs, finally cutting him off. “You’re incredibly sweet and all, but I just can’t commit to a relationship right now.” She sighs. “You heard the story about my heartbreak, right?” He nods. “Well, I can’t put myself through that pain again. I can’t give my all to somebody and receive nothing in return, I’m sorry.”

“Y/N, he sounds like a dick. And I promise you, not everyone is like that.” 

“It’s not just that.” She murmurs, staring down at the ground. “I know you’re a good person, Bucky. Fuck, I see it in you every day. You’re one of the sweetest guys I know, and I don’t want to think you’d ever hurt me like that. That’s why I’ve been pulling away from you, so neither of us get hurt. Yet, I hurt us both. Honestly, I think I’ve been in love with you ever since we met, and I do want to be with you. But what happens when this tour is over? When the fairytale is over, and we go back to our normal lives, whatever they are now? Sure, we’re musicians, but we come from two totally different worlds. And I don’t fit into your world.” She sighs. Bucky raises a brow, shuffling closer towards her. “Maybe Dylan’s right. Maybe I am just a bar singer.” Bucky gets up from his seat, kneeling in front of her. He takes her hands in his, rubbing his thumbs along her knuckles.

“Y/N. You are one of the most beautiful and talented people I’ve ever met. We could only dream of being able to control and entertain a crowd like you can. Especially tonight!” He insists. “And besides, there’s nothing wrong with being a bar singer, especially when they’re as good as you. Your ex has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about.” As she gazes into Bucky’s eyes, Y/N feels tears building in her own. 

“I want to be with you more than anything. I just can’t. I can’t risk being hurt again.” She whispers. Bucky feels his heart breaking, but he knows he can’t force her to do anything. And so, he nods.

Suddenly, the door opens, and Natasha pops her head in. At first, Bucky expects her to say something about how they’re going out for dinner or something. Yet, as soon as she sees the serious look on Natasha’s face, Y/N frowns. “Nat? What’s going on?”

“Y/N, there’s someone here to see you. He insists he knows you, and even tried to bribe our door staff to let him into the venue. Says he won’t go until you hear him out.” Immediately, Bucky tenses from beside her, and Y/N’s stomach drops. 

“Did he leave a name?” But she knows who it is before Natasha even confirms it.

“It’s Dylan.” Her entire body goes stiff. It feels like someone dumped a whole bucket of ice cold water all over her, plunging her into a horrible nightmare. 

“Wait, Dylan as in ‘Letting You Down’ Dylan? Your ex who treated you like shit?” Bucky asks, and Y/N nods, still numb. “Where is he?”

“He’s in the dressing room. The guys just shoved him in there.” 

“Oh, fuck.” Y/N hisses, already beginning to feel herself hyperventilate. 

“Y/N, we can tell him to go.” Bucky offers. To his surprise, Y/N shakes her head.

“No. I need to do this. I need to tell him myself.” She gulps. Bucky can tell she’s absolutely terrified. “I might need some moral support, though.” She admits, her eyes glancing down at the floor. Bucky finds her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Of course.” He whispers.

When Y/N and the rest of the band enter the room, Dylan turns around. As soon as he sees Y/N, he grins. Immediately, Bucky hates him. His grin looks smug, and the way he looks at Y/N makes him feel sick. If he could, he’d punch that asshole right in his smug fucking face.

“What the hell are you doing here?” She gasps.

“Wow, I just didn’t realise you were serious about this whole thing!” Dylan muses, looking around the room. “When I saw you online and on TV, I knew I had to come see you…and talk about what happened. Tell you what, why don’t we go get some drinks or some dinner, and we can just…talk it out?” Dylan whispers, reaching out to stroke her arm. The same way he used to when he was trying to get back on her good side, hoping she’d ignore all the cruel things he’d say about her and her career. Reflexively, Y/N steps back, away from him.

“Oh, so you only care about her once she’s getting more attention?” Bucky demands, earning a sharp jab in the ribs from Natasha.

“Bucky.” she hisses.

“What? He doesn’t give a shit about her or her career at first, but when he sees how popular she is and how he’s probably being blasted all over social media for rightfully being called out, he suddenly cares?” Dylan scoffs, rolling his eyes. 

“Buddy, this doesn’t concern you.” Y/N’s heart sinks. Bucky’s right. Dylan doesn’t care about her at all. He’s only here to save his ass.

“Actually, it concerns all of us, buddy. We’re her friends, and we actually give a shit about her, unlike you.” Bucky snaps back.

“Can we have some alone time now?” Dylan asks, his eyes narrowing as he looks at Bucky. For a moment, Y/N almost says yes, wanting to just get rid of him as soon as possible with no further trouble. That is, however, until she glances back, ready to tell the band to do as he asks. The entire band looks pissed off, but Bucky is seething. He stands with his arms folded as he glares at Dylan. They’re the ones who care about her and her career. Not Dylan. And then, Y/N realises what she has to do. 

“No. They stay.” She states. Dylan’s brows furrow. 

“But Y/N, sweetie-”

“Don’t call me that. You lost the right to call me that a long time ago. And you have no right to come here unannounced and start making demands, especially after what you did. I want them here, so they’re staying.” She folds her arms. “Now. What do you want?” When he sees he isn’t getting his way, Dylan splutters.

“I just don’t see why you had to make such a big deal out of it, that’s all! And besides, I was just thinking about calling you before I heard the song, anyway. It would be nice to talk again.”

“Oh, you were, were you? Well, you sure have impeccable timing, don’t you? And besides, I know that’s a lie because as far as I know, you were with your girlfriend last night. Have you told her you want to start talking to me again?” 

“Y/N, come on, don’t be like that. I’m trying to apologise. You always were so dramatic. It’s obvious I didn’t mean everything I said.”

“And yet ‘sorry’ isn’t the first word that came out of your mouth.” She hears sniggering in the background, which only spurs her on further. “And it’s not being dramatic. It’s called standing up for yourself and realising that you’ve treated me like shit for as long as I can remember, and I’m tired of it. If you think I’m coming back to you so you can do it again, you’re dumber than I thought you were. So, you can take your apology and shove it up your ass.” Dylan’s eyes widen, and he splutters again. In a way, it’s funny seeing the man who treated her like shit be unable to handle her sticking up for herself. “Now, go.”

“I’d advise you listen to her and fuck off before we call security. Trust us, you don’t want that.” Sam warns. Dylan tries to argue back, but when he sees he isn’t getting anywhere, he groans, beginning to leave.

“Bitch.” He murmurs as he walks by. Bucky, Sam and Steve follow him out, making sure he leaves while Natasha stays with Y/N. 

“That was incredible! You really gave that asshole what he deserved.” She grins. Y/N doesn’t feel incredible though. In fact, she feels like shit. After being on such a high from the concert and finally letting her emotions out in song, suddenly being confronted with Dylan and being reminded of just how little he cares about her is breaking her all over again. Her bottom lip trembles and her vision blurs. Shit.

“I’m sorry Nat, I-I have to go. I’ll be on the bus if you need me. I just. I need to be alone.” She stammers, her words coming out in a rush. She doesn’t even give Natasha time to reply before she hurriedly leaves the venue and climbs back onto the bus, crawling into her bunk and huddling into the corner. As soon as she knows it’s safe, her tears are unleashed, and she shakes as tears stream down her cheeks. She wraps her blanket around her, hoping it hides her from the world.

Y/N lays there for what feels like hours until the door to the bus opens again. “Who is it?” She calls, her voice croaky. 

“It’s just me.” Bucky replies. As soon as she hears his voice, it feels like a weight has been lifted off of Y/N’s shoulders, and she lets out a breath of relief. “I know you said you want to be alone, but we just want to make sure that you’re okay.” She turns around, looking into the pair of blue eyes she knows so well. The pair belonging to the man she loves. When he sees her tear-stained face, Bucky sighs. “Oh, Y/N.” She holds out her arms, and without another word, Bucky climbs in beside her, wrapping his tattooed arms around her still shaking form. 

He lets her cry into his chest for as long as she needs, rubbing her back and whispering comforting words into her ear. “It’s okay. He’s gone. We got rid of him.”

“I’m sorry.” She hiccups. Bucky looks down at her, frowning.

“Y/N, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Yet, she sniffles, nodding.

“I do. I care about you so much. You’re so kind to me, and I’d love to be with you. In all honesty, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I ruined everything between us because of him.”

“You haven’t ruined anything, sweetheart.” Bucky soothes. “You’ve been through a lot, and nobody would judge you for being wary about dating again.” He kisses her head, his stubble lightly grazing her skin. Y/N feels that same flutter in her stomach again, this time amplified. He finds her hand again, intertwining his calloused fingers with hers once more. He brings her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. “It’s going to be big and scary, but we can take things as slow as you want. All I want is for you to be happy and comfortable.” And as she looks back up at him, Y/N realises that he’s right. Maybe she shouldn’t be scared, and actually let herself be happy again, with someone like Bucky.

“Okay.” She nods. Bucky smiles, softly kissing her on the lips. 

“How about I take you out tomorrow? Properly.”

“Where do you wanna go?” Bucky smiles, chuckling slightly.

“Well, we’re in New York, aren’t we? Like I said…I know a restaurant.”

Please follow @onceuponastory-library​ and turn on notifications to be notified when I next post!

[jangmiu]

THE DREAMWALKER part 1 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ pjs x reader

GENRE! fantasy

WORDCOUNT! 0.896k words

PAIRINGS! dreamwalker!jay x reader

WARNINGS! none- i think. not proofread. lmk if there's any T^T

NOTE! i also used a prompt generator for this one lmao

Growing up, there was a knock on the door every year at midnight on your birthday. With everyone sound asleep, you would always go and check who's there, only to be met with nothing. On your 20th birthday, the knock happens as usual, but this time someone is standing in front of you. It is the handsome man from your nightmare last night—a person who wielded powerful magic and saved you from a dark being during your dream. You hope that your dream was not a premonition.

You open the door to find the handsome man from your nightmare standing right in front of your eyes. He looks just as you remember him — powerful and mysterious, with a calm and confident demeanor. You're not sure how to react to the man in your doorway, but you're certainly surprised and intrigued.

"I've come to warn you," the stranger says, his voice a melodic baritone. "I know that you saw me in your dreams last night, and I'm here to tell you that it was no ordinary dream, but a premonition of things to come."

"I can sense the potent magic from the nightmare you endured", the mysterious man continues. "It was a warning, meant to prepare you for the difficult journey that lies ahead. And I have come to help you face this challenge."

As he tells you this, you feel both intrigued and scared. You're intrigued by the power and mystery surrounding this new man, but you're also scared of what might be coming.

"Will you seek my help in facing this threat?" the man asks. "Or will you continue to walk this path alone?"

"what's your name"

"My name is Jay," the mysterious man said. "But you may refer to me as the Dreamwalker."

You were unsure of what to make of this information, but you couldn't help but feel a bit intrigued by Jay's name and title. The Dreamwalker... it sounded like something out of a fairytale.

"What do you mean, my dream was no ordinary dream?" you asked, trying to gather yourself. "What was it, then?"

"The spirit world and the physical world are separated by a thin veil of reality," Jay explained. "And from time to time, there are tears in that veil, allowing passage between the two worlds."

You nodded, trying to take in what he was saying.

"And how does this relate to my dream?" you asked.

"Dreams exist on the other side of that veil," the Dreamwalker continued. "When you sleep, your mind taps into the spiritual realms and brings back images of what is happening there. And last night, you saw a vision of a danger to come."

You listened intently as Jay explained the connection between your dream and the spirit world, feeling a deep sense of chills throughout your body. Could he be right? Had your dream really been a vision of things to come?

"What kind of danger was it?" you asked, your voice quivering slightly.

Jay was silent for a moment, his eyes scanning you with curiosity.

"A creature with dangerous magic," he said finally. "A being of great power and darkness, intent on causing harm."

You felt the hair on the back of your neck stand up. A magical creature with dangerous powers... it sounded like something straight out of a fantasy story. And yet you couldn't help but feel a sense of anxiety creeping in. Maybe Jay was right...

"It's... it's not coming for me, is it?" you asked, your voice trembling.

Jay looked at you with a somber exprssion.

"Unfortunately, it is," he said gently. "You have been chosen for a special purpose, and your life is in danger now."

You felt your breath escape your lips in a sharp gasp of fear, and you could feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins. Your life was in danger? You couldn't believe it. Why you? What was so special about you that a magical creature with dangerous powers wanted you out of the way?

"I... I d-don't understand," you stuttered out. "Why is this happening to me?"

Jay looked at you with sympathy in his eyes.

"I can't answer that," he replied. "But you must be brave, and you must be prepared."

Your mind swirled with questions and fears, yet you knew that you had to listen to the Dreamwalker's advice. If your life was really in danger, then you had to do whatever it took to protect yourself.

"How... how can I be prepared?" you asked, your voice still trembling. "I need to know more!"

Jay thought for a moment, then spoke softly.

"The one who wields magic has great power," he said. "And if you're going to fight this dangerous being, you'll need to harness the magic within yourself."

You felt your heart sink at his words, knowing how risky it would be to venture into the world of magic and try to face the powerful being that Jay had warned you about. Yet you also felt excited at the thought of exploring the world of magic and discovering your true potential.

"How do I do that?" you asked, trying to sound brave despite your inner fears. "How do I become a mage?"

Before Jay could respond, you heard a loud knock at the door. Was it someone else sent to warn you about the dangers to come?

[swaqcenix]

༻The unloveable | Wanda Maximoff ༺

Wanda Maximoff x gn!reader

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Summary: Being loved wasn't what you were used to. You have a past as much as anyone, but it's affecting you too much. You're too unlovable and you know it.

Warnings: angst with no happy ending, severe trauma, panic attack, depression and anxiety, implied suicidal thoughts and attempts, self- harm, implied and mentions of past abuse, read at your own risk!

Pairings: Wanda x reader

Word count: 810

AN: Unfortunately I needed an outlet to write about my thoughts and my past, but that's all it is now! Remember to read at your own discretion as it is a heavy one, but stay hydrated and remember I love you <3

≿━━━━━༺❀༻━━━━━━≾

You weren't sure what enhanced you to do it. Perhaps it was the burning taste of the liquor running down your throat. Perhaps it was your mind screaming at you for everything and anything.

All you knew was you felt like utter shit. You looked like a truck had come and hit you straight on. Your body paced back and forth as you worried intensely. The phone call came in the early hours of the morning. Your sister was in the hospital, having being in an accident just a mere minute before.

Wanda was broken, she wasn't sure what to do and frankly you didn't blame her. Pushing her away seemed like the most honest thing to do. You weren't capable of love or being loved. You'd forgotten how it felt, how to feel safe and secure every since your ex Katie didn't show it.

Punch after punch, cut after cut. You'd gotten so used to the feeling of blood trickling down your face you forgotten the feeling of love. So when Wanda came into your life it was so different. Every morning waking up in fear, before eventually relaxing. She was your muse.

But, nothing good ever lasts forever, at least not for you. The alcohol didn't help. You knew that, but the way you blamed yourself for your sister. If you hadn't been drinking, perhaps you could have rang her. Maybe she'd be safe.

It wouldn't be your fault then. But it wasn't the case now and it didn't stop the pounding pain of anger and disgust in your head. Disgust of the outcome, disgust of you.

You texted her in the early hours of the morning.

"This isn't good. Me and you..."

Why you thought that was a good idea god knows. You didn't say you'd die together though. You adored her, admired Wanda. Yet here you were pushing her away.

You kept telling yourself over and over. Fucking unlovable. It's what was engraved on your mind. Ever since Katie you'd forgotten what it felt like. Safety, the feeling of being content.

You loved Wanda as Icarus loved the sun- too close and too much. But you didn't care as she loved you the same. The feeling of being touched by her was igniting. She was igniting and most of all she was the moon that lit you up.

You felt less scared around her, less disgust. Of course you didn't tell her this, you did what you learnt to do. Bury your feelings. Wanda knew though, she always knew.

When you received the response of good luck, the way she knew it was coming you shattered. You we're turning into Katie, into the way she hit your stomach. The way she made you feel. You were becoming the storm.

"Wanda I love you," you tried to make her understand, but in doing that you'd need to tell her the cause.

You couldn't tell her what caused the internal pain. The fire that only she could put out. Wanda was the light that allowed you to see. You wouldn't tell her that, as you didn't want her to think she had to stay. Instead you pushed her away. She was too bright, too precious for you.

Wanda was far too above you, for you to ever deserve her. You'd always love her, how couldn't you? Look at Wanda Maximoff. She was the sun, the moon the stars. She was everything.

But you couldn't be hers as you didn't deserve her. She had spent her time convincing you otherwise. It was when she left herself as it wasn't fair. You were too flawed, too broken. You were too far gone for her to stay and most of all, you were too unloveable. You'd learnt that so long ago. Part of you missed the blood that trickled down your cheek, it allowed you to understand how loveless you were.

As she grabbed her bags and left your mind screamed. It begged you to tell her, to let her understand. She would always be loved by you. But you were too flawed. As the blade slid down your skin and the familiar feeling of hatred came back. You remembered the feeling of being unloved. How could anyone possibly love you?

Wanda did, but you knew deep down. You were the unloveable. The trickle of blood allowed the feeling of understanding come back. The hatred.

"I love you," the words spilled as she left.

You found the walls collapsed in on you as she left. She loved you. But you could not love you.

≿━━━━━༺❀༻━━━━━━≾

[nothing0fnothing]

when i post things about narc abuse on my blog i occasionally get ppl being like "don't classify all ppl with npd as abusers!!!" when i didn't say that? tbh on the whole "is narc abuse ableist" thing i defer to my best friend's wisdom, he recently graduated with a BA in psychology (im so proud!!!) and he said smth to the effect of "if you're trying to diagnose them with npd to demonize them then yeah not good but also narcissistic is a word independent of that diagnosis so context is important" its like how ppl without depression can still say theyre depressed or someone without anxiety can say theyre anxious yknow? context matters! i call my parents narc abusers bc it "fits the bill" as in from the medical studies ive read from professionals, all this criteria fits their behavior, not bc i actually believe they have npd. their actions are narcissistic but actually having npd is a question i can't answer.

the point being: im sure you get a lot more comments like that on your blog than my own. the few i get make me upset for a while bc it feels so invalidating (or maybe im just chronically online lmao.) how do you deal with it all? i'm sure the answer is just "block" but does it go deeper? it must feel awful to be called ableist when all you've done is try to spread awareness about a very real thing that happened to you. i could use some of your strength bc your blog is still going strong even amidst the hate 🙏

This ask was actually so lovely to read. You're eloquent and educated and if you'd like to dm me please do any time I'd love to chat with you and check out your blog.

You're absolutely right about narcissism and NPD. Narcissism is a personality trait. One that most healthy people posses. You can't diagnose someone a narcissist, because "narcissist" isn't a disorder.

There's a misconception that NPD is the clinical diagnosis for excessive narcissism. Actually, the diagnostic criteria for NPD is very clear that one does not even have to have narcissistic traits to be diagnosed with it. And it has nothing to say about abusing others, so how recognising abuse is considered a drive by diagnosis of NPD is beyond me.

Saying your abuser is narcissistic doesn't mean you think your abuser has this specific disorder. We know this so to us it's common sense. Unfortunately common sense isn't so common, especially in the narcissistic positivity side of this app.

It's so easy to feel provoked when you know all this, and you're educated and you just want to make content that will connect you to a community of other survivors. Only for some asshole who barely knows what NPD is, decides they're going to make your trauma all about it. It's not chronically online to be made upset by behaviour like that. People like to tell us the Internet isn't real, but when it's our connection to communities of people who share our niche experiences, it is real. Don't undermine yourself when you feel upset like that. Words can hurt anyone, even when they come from an ignorant low life who thinks they can clean up the internet, one trauma support blog at a time.

Me personally? I like to wait to hit the block button till after I've goaded them into an absolute breakdown. It entertains me to no end to watch them rage like toddlers as they start to realise they know next to nothing on a topic I've absolutely schooled them in. It sounds cruel but I have no sympathy for arseholes, especially when they're intentionally spamming random accusations and slurs on my vent posts in hopes they can get a rise out of a vulnerable person. I might make a "narcissists rage at facts and logic" compilation for my own amusement... But that's not really helpful advice to anyone who isn't a bitter hag, like me.

When I first started on this platform I kept my most common response paragraphs in my notes and clipboard to paste and post when I got the same asks day in and day out. It really helped me to reply in a measured way I knew was proof read and edited without having to exert the mental energy it takes to type out a whole reply every time you get one. This of course is if you're so inclined to engage with them.

I also have a limit for how long I'll engage. Usually my rule is I stop responding when they stop asking questions, because my blog is here to be supportive, not to receive criticism from the pro narcissist community. When they stop being coherent and and start being belligerent, that's when will always I block them and that's usually the end of it.

I did have one guy who I'd blocked on 3 or 4 seperate accounts for being belligerent. He was making new accounts every time to spam my asks and reblogs with increasingly ridiculous, heinous and obviously ragebaity shit. I just reposted his replies onto reddit where the crowd is, let's say, more critical of behavior like that. He had an epic meltdown and I've never seen his username ever again. If you're not comfortable doing that, let me know and I'll do it for you. You'd be doing me a favour because I'm a little shit and I love to watch the fireworks.

My last bit of advice to you is to make mutuals and make them friends. I struggle with being sociable in any consistent way, but a few messages back and forth to foster a good relationship with the community is so helpful. It makes your blog feel like an actual supportive environment. It puts your content across the dashboards of more sympathetic people and less losers thanks to the algorithm. Most importantly, when you have friends on this app they're more likely to back you up when an absolute cretin who snuck onto earth decides to pick on you for no reason. Having that back up is invaluable to blogs like ours and it's so important to have it when you're just starting out, especially if you're already getting the narc apologists in your notifs.

That being said, I genuinely do hope you reach out to me. I'd love to be able to send you some more of my strength when you need it. 💛🤎💛

[blubushie]

do you tell people irl you have aspd?

Hahahaha. No.

Listen. Most people don't know what the fuck ASPD is. But they do know what a sociopath is—or at least have their own idea of what one is, an idea which is practically always incorrect.

So me having to tell someone I have ASPD has always gone "Hey, I want you to know something about me. We're good mates and I figure you got a right to know. I have ASPD." And they always ask what ASPD is. "Antisocial personality disorder." And if I leave it at that I get dropped, cause people always look it up when they get home and I get dropped for lying by omission and not calling myself a sociopath and thinking I could "get away with hiding what it really is" or something. And if I do explain cuz they don't know what ASPD is, it goes "Aka sociopathy. I'm a sociopath." And then I usually get dropped cuz Things Start Making Sense and people have seen too many horror movies.

Or, y'know, I get fired from a job I really enjoyed cuz they consider me a liability. Cheers, M*lbourne.

So I just. I don't fucken tell people. I've got comorbidities and most of my ASPD symptoms/traits I can brush off on those conditions as traits of them. I have low empathy cuz I'm autistic. I'm aggressive because I have trauma and haven't learnt how to cope with it. I'm impulsive cuz of ADHD, I use aliases because of my job, I'm hypersexual because of the CSA I experienced, I do crime cuz I like money and I'm fucken gay, I don't know. I don't tell people about the conduct disorder I had as a kid preceding my trauma, or that I've used aliases long before I started my job, or that I was medicated for my ADHD and certain traits just never changed regardless of how high the dose was until we puzzled out it was because they just weren't the result of ADHD at all.

(Like run-on sentences. Unfortunately that's just how I talk. What's a semicolon?)

So yeah, I just. Don't fucken tell people. I was diagnosed in early February of 2019 at 18 years old as ASPD nomadic subtype with secondary paranoid traits (there's assumed to be a convergent type between malevolent and nomadic but I don't know the name of it and it's not a confirmed subtype, but there's suspicion that's my ACTUAL subtype if it's real), found out I'm also a psychopath when I went to a therapist in M*lbourne a few weeks, and I just. Don't fucking tell people.

My dad knows. Mum knows. My biological brothers don't, but my adoptive brother does. I've confided in mates from high school and I guess 2 years ain't shit cuz they'd all ghosted me after. I told my ex after we'd been dating 4 months and got an earbashing and she very briefly dumped me for a week to "figure things out". And I didn't talk to her a week, and there's nothing quite like desperately wanting to tell someone you're sorry and not being able to because you know you can be really intense sometimes and there's no way for you to approach someone to apologise without them being afraid. And that's hard—she knew about every symptom I had. It wasn't new. But you slap the label of sociopath on it, and now when she looks at you there's a fear in her eyes what wasn't there before. And she wasn't afraid before, when she thought it was just anxiety or autism or OCD or trauma. But "sociopath" is a scary word.

So no, I don't tell people. I let them get to know me first and learn that despite how weird or creepy or unsettling I can come off as, I'm actually harmless. And then if I feel I can trust them to not be ableist about it or turn on a dime and assume the worst of me—and only then—maybe I'll sit them down and be honest.

[avoidslug]

MY THOUGHTS ON THE NONBINARY REP IN VEILGUARD

game review: 7.5/10, considerably better than inquisition (but i hated that game so ymmv), roughly the equivalent experience of reading a fun adventure novel that entertains you but hasn't like, redefined the genre or anything. recommended for people who like that kind of thing (which i do).

the nonbinary rep is indeed cringe which is unfortunate. there is like, a seed of something not shit in there, but it is buried under large piles of shit that are difficult to get past.

minor spoilers >

i hate coming out stories, so i was predisposed to dislike this, i'll admit it. other people are allowed to like them but i am a grown ass man and i don't need another story where a character is paraded around like a prize hog to tell each person what specific labels they have decided on for themselves are so everyone around them can have a Learning Moment (tm). one of the worst examples of this in recent memory were the legend of korra comics. like, she's the fucking AVATAR and you've got her on a world tour to explain to people she's bisexual?? be so fr rn.

taash was heavily teenager coded, so i can buy that they don't know who they are yet, but you cannot tell me that the dragon age universe, especially a fruity isabela led faction, doesn't have queer people that taash wouldn't have already interacted with. and the constant use of the term nonbinary is just so jarring. every time taash came up to the next person and explained that they were non binary using that specific term i wanted to peel off my skin. 2/3 of their character was "i'm nonbinary." i dreaded every personal quest.

i think there is this fear that if people make gay stuff subtext that it lessens it somehow. subtext isn't bad. the only thing that made subtext bad was that gay stuff used to only be able to exist in subtext. it doesn't any more, but that doesn't mean we can't employ subtext when the situation calls for it. you don't have to explicitly explain your nb character using modern terminology. and it's not like they were incapable of doing this. krem never used the word "transgender," but we all know he's transgender.

taash doesn't feel like they belong anywhere. they're not rivani but they're not qunari, they're not a woman, but they're not a man either, they love their mom, but question if they even want to live up to her expectations. there is a lot there to work with there, it's good!

but it almost felt like every other aspect of their character got put on hold so we could have our learning moment. maybe i'm too new english for this but my relationship with my gender (or lack of gender) isn't anyone else's business. it's such a small part of me. what i want is for taash to figure out that they're not a woman while tackling the bigger, more important parts of their character--their relationship with their mother and by extension, the qun. even in the game, their mother didn't give a shit that they were nb, she was like "oh yeah they got that in the qun too, remember the fucking qun taash?"

the way the story would alllllmost start to focus on the "torn between worlds" aspect, but then immediately have taash be only focused on how their mom was going to react to the nonbinary news. it almost felt like taash's anxiety and defensiveness related to gender was more a writer's pov, rather than an actual character pov, because no one in-game ever gave taash anything but support, even when they were being extremely standoffish. it gave very "rebelling teenager" energy, but there was nothing to rebel against. there would have been something to rebel against if they were focused on the qun/rivain conflict, OR if taash's mother was like, really obsessed with gender roles for some reason, but it's not and she isn't.

and the post-personal-quest cutscene where rook, taash, bellara, and isabela go to a bar.....................................god help me. i'm choosing to pretend it didn't happen.