#maybe it’s supposed soothing?
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“Here’s a pic of my living room for inspo” posts photo of an all beige interior. Beige couch with beige pillows (one has a dark beige stripe), beige whispy curtains, white coffee table, beige accents, little beige wheat in a little beige vase, beige walls, beige….beeeiiiiigggggee.
Inspiration for what? It’s all beige, it’s the antithesis of inspiration.
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btw while I’m still being annoying, my favorite example to bring up in the “hygiene products that you can just pick up off the shelf at the store can have KNOWN carcinogens in them” conversation is coal tar. This one’s still crazy to me. It’s used in anti-dandruff products for its “anti-inflammatory and antimicrobial properties" but it’s also LIKE. a hazardous substance... but it can still go in your shampoo bc “aww but it’s only SOME poison, it’s not like, a LOT of poison, so we can still sell it and it’s ok”
#BUT IT'S STILL OKAY TO PUT IT IN PRODUCTS... WE'RE NOT PULLIN THIS ONE OFF SHELVES?#like there are OTHER. antidandruff products. GIRL.#also this same product also has a blue dye in it. that ALSO. HAS. A CANCER RISK ON IT#you don't even NEEEEEED THE DYE. shampoo doesn't NEED pigment in it AT all#at least with coal tar they go aww but what if your scalp is itchy! then maybe it's worth skin cancer#okay but is the goo being blue THAT important? crazy crazy#sergle.txt#like you can GO to walmart. pick up a product called Therapeutic Dandruff Shampoo#and use it bc your scalp is itchy and flaky#and you don't know that there's Multiple ingredients in it that are known cancer risks#and several other ingredients that are irritants#which. you're trying to NOT be itchy right?#why would you assume that something innocuous like that could be harmful? well you wouldn't!#bc you shouldn't have to.#but my point stands that you can't do any harm by Checking#There are absolutely NO warnings on the packaging that this has any health risk WHATSOEVER#it just says how therapeutic and soothing and helpful it'll be for you#and you're like that's great! time to buy#how is anyone supposed to know until someone tells you?
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that said, as much as I've been struggling the past 48 hours or so, I have to admit that it has felt a little clarifying.
I've been playing the hell out of stardew valley, like I always do when I'm struggling with my PMDD, because the calming repetitive movements and bite-sized tasks (which induce the illusion of productivity) make it much easier to calm my mind and like...
I keep thinking "wouldn't it be nice to make something that soothes...?"
I felt a little embarrassed last night when I was writing about how I realized that AITNISTS would have meant the world to me when I was a queer, disabled teen feeling very broken and unlovable, and how now it almost feels like I'm writing bedtime stories for a ghost.
but... I think to some degree, that's nice, too... if I'm writing what soothes me, maybe it'll soothe someone else, too. making art that soothes people that feel broken... I think that would be nice. or... kind, at least. maybe.
it's something to aspire to, at least.
like sometimes I do feel this weird need to make something beautiful or complex or important but I guess "important" can mean a lot of different things, and so can "beautiful"...
I'm obviously never going to win any kind of literary prize with monsterfucking hurt/comfort but like. idk. maybe it's enough to write the kind of book that would have made me feel like I was capable of being loved and wanted when I was a kid.
especially if it helps anyone else now...
idk. it's a nice thought, at the very least.
#just me#vent post#kind of reminds me of when I met harvey guillen a few years ago and told me how wwdits got me through a rough medical procedure#and then a few months later got a message from someone saying that YTTT helped them through a rough medical procedure#and it felt... very gratifying and very full-circle I suppose#maybe that's the best thing you can do in the end#soothe the people who need it#when I was young I wanted to be smart and impressive but now I really do just want to be kind#baby steps#anyway please don't worry too much about me my doc okayed an additional dose of ket tonight#so I should start feeling a little less like uhhh this#unsure why I got a PMDD rebound like a week after my period started but these cramps don't lie lmao#definitely something weird and hormonal going on rn
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It can not be that one of the only things that's supposed to help against depression and anxiety is basically meditation and constantly focusing on your body and consciously feel your surroundings with all your senses.
(besides mends, structure and interaction with other humans offline in a positive way)
#therapy#kinda feels like that's all we learn in therapy#also we are supposed to let go of the past and sooth our inner child(ren)#in order to live in the present#i mean yea... sounds about right#but i kinda want to learn more about psychology and how it all works#we sometimes get such info but imo not enough.... but maybe that's just me
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anyone have any podfic/audiobook/show recs that require minimal thinking?
#for when you get covid for the fourth time 😔#my plans have been so derailed it's almost soothing??#was supposed to take 7 hour train ride on friday and then a 6-hour flight monday and then start my new job on tuesday#now maybe i'm just deep in denial but it's like. at least now i get a couple days to myself to mostly do nothing#but i was so excited to see my friends and swim and ice skate and to go to the vegan restaurant with the really fancy shakes :(
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my mind zone is comprised of 50% volta-tainted thoughts
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tummy hurts my final message goodbye
#ive had mild pelvic pain for like. half a week now. its a bit like period cramps + in the same area but not as intense. idfk why#I dont think its bowel (<-no other symptoms and pain area is too low down) or bladder related (<- usually more painful + affects peeing)#sometimes I do get cramps a few days before my period but im midway thru my cycle and idk its not usually like this#not ovulation pain either bc thats supposed to only last a few hours. i dont fucking knooooww#im trying not to think abt it or complain abt it bc if i focus on it too much ill imagine its worse than it is. its rly not that bad#just consistent which is annoying. hopefully itll pass in a few more days. adulthood is all abt having mysterious random pains in ur body#sorry for tmi abt my internal bodily functions do u guys still think im cool.#eurghhh. im glad i went out to parkour today but man i rly wasnt feeling like it. another depression weekend :-(#but its ok im a bit tired of complaining abt being depressed. who give a shit. im doing all i can at the moment and thats fine#back to jobhunting tmr hopefully itll be more fruitful. im expecting to hear back from a few ppl. we'll see. rolling my rock back uphill#im gonna go get a hot water bottle i think... my hands are soooo cold and maybe itll soothe tummy pain too#and then read a little more.. finished giovannis room earlier (so fucking good but. devastating) so im back onto deaths end#just another 350 pages to go.. v curious to see where its gonna end up cuz so much crazy shit keeps happening. im just at the fairytales#hope my loyal followers are having a peaceful weekend.... farewell#.diaries
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Y'all know that feeling when you spend like up to an hour making dinner for it to completely not agree with your stomach so then you just end up doing a couple of sandwiches just to get any food in and then spend the next hours wondering if the weird not-quite-stomach-ache is still the three mouthfulls of nope!-dinner roiling around or are you still hungry?
Yeah.
That.
#personal#I think it was just Waaaay too spicy for a stomach not used to spice at All#like the taste is good! but maybe my tummy went into panic mode at the spice or smth 😔#ehhhhh....#I was supposed to do something productive now#I have beta-ing to do#but this derailed me so much#I can’t focus with my stomach so weirdly achy 😬#and Im so bloated too like its two sized bigger than it was yesterday wthhhhh#preperiod bloating prob but uuughhhhh#anyway. i made myself some mint tea to hopefully soothe it a bit#and if it turns out Im actually still hungry in like an hour I guess I'll make smth easy#maybe fries or an egg or smth ehh 😪#maybe play some skyrim in the meantime for comfort
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i want to draw blorbo things or write up meta and instead i've felt dizzy and nauseated all day, ugh. arophobia at its finest
#and by arophobia i mean take your meds the way you're supposed to folks#that one's on me#still sucks though#maybe i'll doodle a /little/ while i listen to bad creepypasta readings. as a treat#every six months or so i have to have another creepypasta phase to set my brain right again and apparently i am very overdue#started again a few days ago; instantly started feeling way less shitty than i have been. it's Good Soothing Kinda Silly Background Noise#with the occasional actually really good one which is always nice#mysterious ways etc#whosebaby talks#not fandoms#meds talk cw
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results are in no d/s/3's ending theme did not make me feel the way 2 and 1's did. definitely makes me feel some kind of way for sure, and I do mean this in a good way. but it's drastically different from the last 2 in a way that....fits the tone and story well? but in a way that makes me think the tone and story should have been completely uprooted and overhauled. maybe. I'm not sure how but maybe.
and maybe it just didnt have the same weight to me bc I was not as immersed/invested. good song but it doesnt make me stare at the wall without a thought in my head which is obviously the best criteria by which to judge things. idk. it is almost 6 in the morning I have not slept and I have absolutely no idea how to parse through how I feel abt this game
#misc.txt#I'm conflicted#v beautiful soothing moving etc. I love it tbh. but it's not the same. and ik it's not supposed to be. but. its just not#both d/s/1 and 2s ending theme have a certain tone of. gentleness? ig? peace and beauty in the melancholy despite?#I cant verbalize it properly but there's something There. d/s/3s almost has it a little but not quite in the same way#I understand that its not what they were going for with. yk. the entire point of the game#but maybe I think that was something that. shouldnt have been discarded completely. maybe thats whats missing a bit. I don't know#the way theres an unnecessary lifeless piss grey filter over everything sums up my issues with it fairly well. if that makes sense.#if I say enough words maybe I'll accidentally manage to verbalize exactly why d/s/3 didn't touch me in the same way 1 and 2 did
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last night everyone was having traumas back to back and I wish none of it happened but it feels nice to be the first person they call
#at least your birthday was technically over#and poor kay#feel so sad for her#life mang#I wanna not be at my busy ugly job today#at least I ate my weight in mini blueberry pancakes today#didn’t sleep enough and have lots of anxiety today#listened to noah kahan on break because his voice soothes my brain#my poor niece man#the text she just sent depressed me so bad#I'm too sensitive to other peoples pain like whyyyy do I feel it too#it's also her tho and never want her to be heartbroken#maybe it'll be best in the long run though idk anymore#itll work out how it's suppose to but also idk if u can come back from that#asking and hearing that response l'd be done for sure#but it sucks and I wanna protect her from stuff like this#shes strong and she'll be okay with or without him#she just doesn't know that right now and is being delulu about it because she loves him#let’s see what happens this time#could just be smoothed over again but I’ll definitely see him differently now#and worry about this happening every few months because she deserves more#sucks cus he’s a really good kid and takes care of her but obviously needs to work through things alone rn and grow#just want her to be happy and feel emotionally safe especially with all the abandonment issues she’s gotta have hurts me#poor kid it sucks#she’ll be okay though
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Dreamt I meet my "soulmate". I don't even believe in soul mates but in the dream I just. Had one. I meet him and it was like the world flipped over and I was on the other side. It was a long dream I don't remember a ton of it but I remember the way he looked at me from across a crowded room.
#dream log#he wasnt like anyone id met before..... maybe a bit like Friday.#i cant even think of a character or anything.... maybe like a serious version of Troy from community?#he looked super similar to me so i think this was just dream symblism for like growing to love my self or soething 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢#i guess he was kinda similar to the last guy i dated in that they both were kinda quiet but his vibes were different like my ex was like: 🤨#i dont think he even looked that similar to me but i have One Of Those Faces so i kinda look like every white guy with brown eyes and hair#he was also cis.#which when combined with the above interpretation is a bit sad i suppose#he was just very... soothing. warm.#that still just doesnt encapsulate it. it was like. drinking fucking water or something. idk#anyways theres fucking drain flys in my room
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HEY COMRADES. does anyone have any good sources for getting binders built for fat fooools like me.
#guhhhh HEELPPP i posted smth like this on twitter but. well. i havnt caight any fish yet#i feel like theres this gender epiphany ive been hearing. every few months it repeats. slightly louder than before#and after a decade thisshit is BLARRIINGGGGGG#FUUUUUCK LET ME OUT OF THIS BODYYYY LET ME OUUUUTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I HAAATE BEING IN MY WONDERFUL LIL FAIRY LAND W ALL MY QUEER FRIENDS WHO LIKE. UNDERSTAND.#and then falling thru a portal into tha Real World where gender is percieved sostupidly. where gender is Just What u ARe and thers No Escap#these vile humans will only eever see me as a girl like yeah maybe im that too but im MOOREE!! LET ME BE MOREEEEE#SOLUTION? look more like a boy i gueesss i just. want ppl to not be sure. i want ppl to use both. i want to be more#but thennnn yknowwwww ofc i get into that thought loop of like. does this rly matter. do i need to be havin meltdowns abt gender rn#like i have to go to work ina few hours. i have other things my money should be going to#do i really need to be anything other than a girl out there. cant i just grin n bear it and get my money#i dunnnooooo if any other trans ppl out there can hear me but pleeease... wadda hell is going on#is this normal? is hatching supposed to hurt? am i even hatching in the first place? this shell is so so hard n impossible to break#is there even a shell? i juuust want to be freeeee........#mmaube i can soothe this gender crisis with anither severe burn wound. i miss my wound its all healed now n its gone :(#one day ill have the power to rid myself of human flesh and live forevaer
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thinking about suguru and satoru eating your pussy at the same time heje
𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 imagine them both between your thighs, staring hungrily at your dripping pussy before gojo breaks the ice and thumbs at your already sensitive clit
𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 imagine geto soothing your little trembles by gently stroking your thigh, maybe even giving it a few kisses of encouragement <//3
𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 imagine both of the men using one strong hand to push your plush thighs open, exposing yourself even more to them. if you dared try to shut your thighs even a tad they’d be pushed right back open, along with a quick slap the soft skin curtesy of geto
𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 imagine the two friends bickering for a moment before geto finally caves and lets gojo have the first taste
𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 imagine gojo wasting no time spitting on your clit before wrapping his lips around it, tongue immediately caressing your sensitive nub. he couldn’t decide between roughly sucking on the poor thing or moving his tongue side to side sooo he settles on both! he hollowed his cheeks, holding your clit in place while his tongue continued moving with vigor
𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 imagine geto sucking on the soft skin of your thighs while his hand finds purchase on your bare breast, squeezing roughly every once in a while to keep you on your toes
𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 imagine geto slowly kissing his way towards your center before nudging gojo’s head with his own, giving the man a cheeky smile
𓈒ㅤׂ 𝜗𝜚 imagine both men looking up at you before—
“a-ah!!! oh my-” your back suddenly arched off the bed as you felt not one, but two hot tongues on your clit. one slowly moving up and down, like they were trying to savor the taste of your essence—not too hard or too fast….just sensual. the other tongue on the other hand settled on quick, harsh licks sooo basically the exact opposite.
“s’good right ?” gojo slurred into your pussy, now sloppily kissing his way down to your dripping hole. geto took this as an opportunity to cup your entire clit in his mouth, while his tongue drew soft circles around the nub. geto hummed around your clit, spit dribbling from his lips from the sloppy kisses he was giving your weeping pussy.
all it took was gojo shoving his tongue in your pussy for your back to arch slightly off the bed as you came with a loud, pathetic whine. gojo moaned just as loud when he felt your cum began to coat his tongue in little waves.
geto pulled away from your clit with an obnoxious pop! dark eyes admiring at the mess your pussy has already become. “lemme get a taste,” he mumbled, leaning his head down to lick a slow strip up your pussy. but one lick was not enough! and it wasn’t long before gojo got a little jealous and smacked geto on the back of his head, a small grunt leaving him.
“‘fuck was that for?” geto hissed, but gojo didn’t even bother glancing at him, his attention focused solely on your soaked center. his long fingers ran slowly up and down your petal soft slit, occasionally applying light pressure to your clit. without warning he plunged two fingers in with a lewd squelching sound following, “we’re supposed to be sharing don’t be so greedy, now let’s make her cum again.”
“j-just be gentle m’still a little— hah! sensitiveeee,” your request fell on deaf ears as both mens tongues were on your clit once again. they went from synchronized licks, to each giving your clit an open mouth kiss, to taking turns slapping your pussy.
you tried to keep your eyes on them but you could only handle so much before you head fell back against your bed, eyes rolling into the back of your head. “m’gonna put my fingers in sweet thing,” geto mumbled into your thigh, giving it a sweet kiss before plunging two fingers inside you. getos fingers began doing a scissoring motion, and to help you avoid the stinging stretch gojo sucked your throbbing clit in his mouth.
“i’m gonna cu-cum againnn, you’re gonna make me—” your body tensed as another orgasm washed over you, a much pleasing sight for the two men before you. “fuck she’s squeezing me real fucking tight, ease up yeah? gonna make it real hard for gojo to put his in too,” geto growled, curling his fingers in the most delicious way possible.
you whined something along the lines of ‘i’m tryinggg’ and gojo could’ve just ate you up the way you were being so cute. “hehe she’s so cute the way she’s trying to keep it together, just let go baby we’re right here to catch you,” gojo giggled menacingly, his two fingers slowly prodding at your entrance.
“don’t forget to go slow, don’t wanna hurt the poor thing now,” geto patted your thigh before giving it a sharp swat.
it took a little time to get you used to the stretch of four fingers inside your tight little pussy, but you managed like the good girl you were for them. “oh my fuckin’…” your mouth dropped as both men began to move their fingers at a semi-fast synchronized pace, digits bumping against that special that had your toes curling.
geto eyed your lonely breast and brought his free hand up to tweak at your nipple, gojo following suit. there was so much going on and your poor little brain could only handle so much before you were spluttering out nonsense making the two men chuckle.
“look at how wet she is….dripping all over the fucking bed,” geto groaned, pushing his aching erection against the edge of your bed. anything to find a little relief he’s only human. “she’s squeezing so tight i think she’s gonna cum again!” gojo moved his hand from your nipple to your clit, rubbing tight little circles that had your thighs trembling.
you weren’t able to give them a verbal warning of intense orgasm, the only signal being being the clear stream of cum shooting from your pussy each time they pulled their fingers out. “catch some, but don’t swallow,” geto grunted, shoving gojos head down to catch some of your squirt in his already watering mouth.
once you were done they both slowly pulled their fingers out, a small whine leaving your lips from the emptiness. geto turned to gojo, his breathing uneven. “you know what to do,” he nodded his head towards you and gojo quickly understood, slowly crawling up the bed to where you laid, glazed eyes staring up the the ceiling with a fucked out smile on your face.
“open your mouth for him,” geto grunted squeezing the plushness of your thigh. you obliged and slowly opened your mouth, quickly met with the tart, tangy taste of your cum mixed in with a little of gojos spit. geto hummed happily giving your tummy a soft kiss, “that was fun, messy but fun nonetheless.”
the next twenty minutes were spent catering to your every need ofc. gojo having you between his legs, long arms wrapped around your waist while geto gently cleaned the mess up between your thighs. “did so good for us angel, thank you for letting us indulge in you,” gojo smiled, giving your hip a loving squeeze.
they both had raging boners but in this moment it was all about you but hey!! maybe once your rested up you’ll let them put both their dicks in you!! but don’t tell gojo that rn he might bust in his pants the poor thing :((
#hey….how yall doin….#idk what this is but i was bored and high and yeah#gojo smut#gojo satoru smut#gojo x reader#geto smut#geto suguru smut#geto x reader#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader
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hehehe now my grandpa is down in the ER at the same hospital life is so cool rn
get my steps in by bouncing between rooms tending on my family members— even the ones who aren’t patients bc they’re incapable of self soothing even though they’re decades older than me hehehe
#I’m ab to check myself in at this point like fuuuuuuuuck#and my JOB is looming over my head like a curse#I’m ready to diiiiiiie heheheh#personal#maybe self soothing isn’t like…. ab actual skill people are supposed to have and I was just neglected 🤪#more likely than I’d like to think
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ೀ spoiled. ( part one )
📞🕯️🎀 ₊˚⊹♡ “ baby , can you call me back ? i miss you … it’s so lonely in my mansion … “ 🧸🪽🍬
pairing: ellie williams x rich fem!reader
synopsis: the mansion you live in is getting too cold , the silence is way too silent , and not even reruns of sex & the city can help … long story short , you’re feeling lonely . wonder if you can think of someone in your contacts that can help and warm you up , a certain classmate perhaps ?
warnings: girly reader , kind of desperate loser ellie , bratty spoiled rich reader so don't read if that annoys you , allusion to smut , actual smut will be in the second chapter , this is dirty so mdni as usual !
an: i wrote this such a long time ago and it wasn't supposed to be two parts but well now it is !! i will start writing the second part if u guys want to so don't be shy in my inbox. not proofread unfortunately ♡
A perfectly manicured hand rests on the fluffy white and silky smooth duvet. the Egyptian cotton, to be exact, is nothing but lavish, a sanctuary of indulgence in the realm of your own private luxury. Then, you tap your nails atop it, and the fabric crinkles. You gently sigh, but it's more so a grumble, and reach over for the ‘Dunkin’ cup standing on your wooden bedside table. It perfectly matches every single one of the furniture in your extravaganza of a walk in closet, and the bed-frame as well. You take a slow, indulgent sip out of the icy cold drink, take an ice cube out with a straw, and gently suckle on it. You place the drink back on the table, shifting your gaze back over to the flat screen television.
Carrie forgave Mr. Big again, and now she’s seen frantically pacing around the streets of New York City in her shiny Manolo Blahniks. You arch your brows, humming in high pitched amusement. you have the exact same pair!
Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda always seem to bring you a sense of comfort. Usually, your bed brings you a sense of comfort as well, and so does an icy drink with specifically eight cubes of ice. Your room smells like French vanilla, a tinge of cinnamon, and the sweetest pie you’ve never learned how to bake. Most of the time, you’d bask in the scent and feel nice, and cosy, and your nose would scrunch and your nostrils would flare out, then you’d open your favorite food delivery app and order a nice ol’ package of nine chocolate chip cookies. Then, you’d pop open a bottle of champagne and indulge yourself in the sweets deliciousness.
But your appetite is less existent than snow in the middle of August.
You’re also freezing cold, fuzzy socks and all — goosebumps rising on your skin and feeling sharp like Japanese knives.
Your best friend of a white home cat, Toodle, elegantly extends his supple frame, his lithe form gracefully ascending to nestle within the cradle of your neck. His bell gently dingles, he yawns and mellifluously meows. Right now, it sounds more like an old mans groan.
“I know, Toots… m’bored too. And cold, Jesus…” you mutter towards Toodles, who, in his usual aloof manner, closes his eyes and surrenders to the soothing hum of his purring. You puff some air out of your mouth, brain wheels turning as to find out what’s the cause of this blue mood. The air conditioning is completely turned off, you’re sure of it, and the fireplace crackles with warmth. Your entire moisturized body is covered up by a ridiculously expensive thick blanket, and it’s not the short VS nightie that makes you feel freezing, you’re convinced of that. For some reason, the frosty sensation persists. You smack your lip-glossed lips before bumping your head against your mountain of pillows, emitting a low grunt of exasperation.
You don’t know the reason for your boredom, or for this bum mood, because albeit you’ve seen this episode about a gazillion times, it never fails to entertain the shit out of your brain.
Maybe it’s due to the fact that you’re entirely alone (except for Toddles, of course, can't forget him) in a 10,000 square feet mansion. or perhaps it’s because the only lit room inside the mansion is your own.
But then you roll your eyes, because your parents are always away (at St. Tropez this time), so feeling alone isn’t a new and strange concept.
Alas, being alone isn’t the same as being lonely.
Your face twists at the depressing thought, ew. You’re not lonely, just… bored, and unamused, and the icy drink isn’t sweet enough and Carrie’s getting on your last nerve, and the 1,000 dollar blanket is starting to itch the hell out of your hyper-sensitive skin.
Which is why you get up from the bed in a moment of eureka, landing your feet against the fuzzy carpet and slide them into your Ugg’s. “Uh huh!” you chirp, you finally got it.
You’re experiencing an old friend of a feeling called (drumroll…) — anxiety, over your unfinished chem project! It must have masked itself in the form of frigidness and discomfort and loneliness.
But the project isn’t even due till next week, and you rarely get stressed over college stuff unless they’re due the next day and you’re sitting, staring down at your laptop screen, trying to communicate with it through telepathy or something of that sort.
Somaybeit’snotanxiety and maybeyou’rejustloney.
You shake away that uneasy and irritating thought, and sit your pretty butt down on the rolling chair. You click your shiny glittery pen (that always sheds some glitter onto your hand) and open up the thick as brick textbook.
You read the first question out loud.
The correct formula for aluminum nitrate is…
Valentino’s Lòco Toile Iconographe shoulder bag in hot pink?
Nope.
You shake your head, you have got to focus. You place your chin atop your palm and click the pen once more.
Al(NO2)3? or maybe it’s Al(NO3)3…
or maybe you’re so far off you need to close the book shut and throw it out of the window. You’ve always sucked at chemistry.
Which is why you were assigned to be tutored by that auburn haired, green eyed, slightly sullen, tatted up girl who went by "Ellie" — or "El", but you didn't know her like that.
Ellie, is the one who stuttered out your name as she realized you weren’t paying attention to her tutoring, as you had your gaze fixated on the black ink etched on her forearm, a half-covered flannel and a canvas of delicate veins. A bug, adorned with intricate botanical details, unfurled its wings across her skin.
“S’uh… A moth, with ferns around it n’stuff. It’s kind of faded now though”
Her voice was raspy and husky, and she stuttered out your name. Usually, you’d hate it when people got nervous around you. It made you feel odd, ostracized, and you always insisted — you were so damn sweet, there’s nothing to be nervous about. You wore sweet perfume, sweet as goddamn cherries and cupcakes, and your voice was soft and you always smiled brightly, and so what if your purse cost more than a college tuition?
But her nerves didn’t annoy you. In fact, you found them charming, and you found her sweet. You found that all of her “Uhhh” ‘s, and her “Mhhm” ‘s, all of her stammering and her lack of ability to keep eye contact with you to be… infatuating.
Then there was that rich voice, and those eyes, that smile, those hands, those damn toned arms, those biceps and the haircut, the way two short strands of hair always framed her face perfectly and her scent — that you could tell was just a cheap cologne, but mixed with her unique fragrance, proved nothing short of intoxicating.
It was also the fact that she seemed to damn know everything — and that she was always ahead of you, and that her face always bore that coy little smirk when you got a question wrong (which you seemed to get more often than not), and that she would grab your Swarovski pen out of your hand and scribble down the answer for you, just to explain it in detail later.
The way she licked over her bottom lip and bit as wrote down.
With her long fingers and all.
When she spoke, her breath smelled of mint and the faintest tinge of weed, which made you think of how lovely it must be to be able to transform into a damn joint just so she could place you in her mouth and suck —
now you’re sticky, and god now you really are distracted, and not by a cute purse or the sound of rain pouring down on your window. Toodles stretches his tiny limbs and you hear his bell faintly dingle again. He climbs down from your princess bed and jumps up to sit at your lap. You caress down his white fur and he purrs.
You wonder if Ellie likes cats.
You know she likes pussy.
You have got to get a grip.
You massage your temples, attempting to focus on the written down questions again, but the words and the numbers seem to mix into a cacophony of odd symbols and letters, and you’re still so goddamn cold.
Albeit your eyelids droop down slowly, eyes spazzing out of focus, the assignment must be done today.
“Just, finish the damn work and go to sleep. Yup.” You mumble to yourself, a habit you picked up as a result of being alone for most of your childhood, and having to opt for the help of imaginary friends to keep you comfort. Alas, you’re older now and only have yourself to talk to.
You try and follow your command.
The problem is, you don’t know jack shit.
You wish Ellie was here, with her hair sticking to her forehead and your pen in her hand and her old chuck’s glued to her feet, as she sits down on the spare chair aside you with her jaw resting on her knees.
You wish you could hear her faint chuckle as you get another question wrong.
As a tutor, of course.
Not even as a friend, because she’s not.
Definitely not as a lover, obviously, because that would truly be so far fetched from reality — although… right now, you can’t help but think of the way her eyes fall down to your chest as a crimson blush creeps up her cheeks.
And you keep thinking about the time you purposely let your bra strap cascade down your shoulder, just because you wondered how she’d react — Which was with averting her gaze to the side and clearing her throat. Now you think of the time you wore an extra short mini skirt, not that different from the rest of them although a bit tinier, and how you kept rubbing your thighs together just to see whether she’d notice or not, which she did…
You groan and slap your palm against your forehead.
Then, you stare at another question and then at your phone. Toodles chimes in with a high-pitched meow.
“Oh my gosh Toots, so true! I should text her the questions, duh”
You’re not delusional at all, by the way.
So you send her your address.
In the meantime, you make sure your studying environment and your room are as tidy as possible. You grab your sparkly pink pen and place it near the textbook, and you grab a matte black pen for Ellie as well, a thoughtful gesture.
You also apply some strawberry scented moisturizer on your body, and spray your sickly sweet perfume on your pule points.
You slip your feet out of your slippers, and you wear your favorite heels. However, you keep your little nightie on. You’re supposed to feel comfortable, this is your house after all, and the heels — are just a courtesy, you are expecting company, and opening the front door with house slippers is entirely rude, and the silky robe… It’s long enough and proper. Ish.
You stare at your reflection down the mirror, and for some reason, you feel utterly nervous. You’re all dolled up for a person who isn’t a stranger, but who also isn’t a friend. When you coat your lips with some minty gloss, Toodles stretches his tail upwards and meows.
“Psh. Do not judge me, Toots. This is normal, I do this all the time”
Which again is a total and complete white lie, because if it was a regular friend coming over, you wouldn’t have even bothered to fix up your makeup, and you’d barely even get up from the comfort of your own bed.
As a matter of fact, not many people come by your house at all. You have your fair share of friends, but you’d much rather hang out by the mall or at one of their mansions, yours always feels just, utterly suffocating — as giant and spacey as it might be. And sure, you’ve had hook ups before, but you always went rigid when they tried to slip past your panties, and you were always… dry, as an autumn leaf.
Ellie makes you feel anything but dry.
Physically — you shake your head and try getting rid of the thought by giving yourself some good old whiplash.
You find yourself pacing around your room, until you manage to cascade downstairs as soon as you hear the bell ring. With each step you take, your heel taps the lavish ceramic pavement.
“Stay”, you gesture towards your fluffy feline companion, who responds with a squinting of his eyes. “Don’t freak out our company”
You look at Ellie’s face from the intercom’s shiny screen. You look at it so hard you nearly forget to press on the button that’s purpose is to let your tutor-guest in. A couple of strands of her auburn bangs stick to her forehead. Ellie scratches her eyes with the back of her hands and she straightens up her spine. As she waits for the gate to open, she puffs some air from her cheeks. She attempts to fix her eyebrows with the tips of her fingers, and seems to be murmuring something underneath her breath.
You’re not the best at lip reading, but your gut tells you she just whispered a “Hi”, and added your name, then — “Hey” adding your name once more.
It’s absolutely impossible for her to not be aware of how stupidly and irritatingly cute she is.
You press on the button and clear your throat. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t practice your greeting in front of a mirror as well. Your robe cascades down your shoulder, you fixate on it and contemplate pulling up the fabric.
Toodles meows once more.
Yup. You should keep it down.
It takes Ellie a good five minutes to walk the full distance from the front gate to your huge white door.
Then she knocks three times on the wood, and you squeak like a mouse although you really were fully prepared.
Your tutor wears a blue flannel with a white undershirt tucked beneath. The first button is opened, revealing a tiny piece of her pale skin. Below, her legs are covered with tight skinny jeans with a tear on the knee (you’re not sure if she fell or if it’s done purposely so), and to your surprise — no Chuck’s, but Doc Martens.
Noted. She has more than one pair of shoes.
When you greet Ellie with a cheerful — yet ever so relieved and breathy “Hi”, you kiss her on the cheek like you do all of your friends, and you can smell that cheap cologne again.
Amber, citrus, musk, lavender.
There’s a hint of actual Ellie in the mix as well — smoke, herbs, sweat… did she run here?
When you hug Ellie you focus on her scent.
When you hug Ellie she focuses on absofuckinglutely nothing — Her body goes rigid and stiff and she doesn’t hug you back until two way too long seconds pass, and she finally manages to place her hand on your waist.
But she doesn’t hug or squeeze, she rests it there.
Then she coughs.
“Hey”
You take a step back and you can tell she’s a bit flushed, or flustered — but you take it as her just running. You lean your hand against one of the thick pillars. Her orbs travel frantically from your eyes down to your… legs, that are completely bare and smooth and shiny, then they run down to your feet, which are covered with heels…
You think she might say something about it, about you, how ridiculous you look, so you’re washed up with self consciousness and shyness which is something you rarely get to feel, unless you’re with that damn girl for some reason.
Then her eyes hyper-focus on… the ceiling?
You grant Ellie a half smile and you really yearn to break the silence — but she’s ahead of you. Again.
“It’s… you have a really high ceiling” she says, then immediately glues her eyes on to the floor.
“Uh, shiny floor…” she chuckles so freaking awkwardly, grazing the bottom of her left legs doc’s on the floor so it squeaks. Immediately, Ellie apologizes.
“Shit, sorry, my shoes fuckin’ muddy. I uh, ran here”
You gingerly smile and furrow your brows. You theory has been proven correct. “You ran?”
“Walked, like, not ran ran”
There’s the tiniest droplet of sweat on Ellie’s forehead, which she wipe’s swiftly and clumsily with the back of her hand when she notices your eyes scan it. Oh, she ran ran alright. You do feel a little bad, picturing Ellie’s shoes hitting below her ass as she runs through the streets of your city, with a packed and awfully heavy mauve backpack — smacking against her back with every step she takes. You almost pout, you’re still leaning against the pillar and you smack your lips together — gloss and all, out of habit.
“Could’a given you a ride, y’know” you light sweetly. Ellie’s scarred eyebrow arches up in response. “You have a license?”
You so want to shove her shoulder playfully, but you’re convinced it’ll make her go absolutely rigid again. Physical contact bricks her up — noted.
“Why is that such a surprise?” you flash her a teasing smile. She smiles back at you.
“S’just, thought you’d have a personal driver. Can’t really imagine you driving that monster of a Rover back there —“
You nod in complete amusement. “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Ellie teases, followed by a throaty chuckle. “Plus, took you more of a passenger princess type of girl”
And that sentence shouldn’t make you stutter the way you do next. It shouldn’t, but it does. You back away slowly and Ellie follows your footsteps.
“T-that’s, awfully presumptuous” you chirp. Her boots stomp on the floor and your heels click clack. “Plus, I don’t drive that Rover. My car’s in the garage with the rest of ‘em” you say matter-of-factly.
Ellie scoffs impishly behind you. You walk up the stairs and she follows suit. She’s confident when she teases, you think, which is a tad different than her usual awkward self, but if only you knew she nearly slipped down one of the steps as she noticed the tiniest, delicious, most precious piece of your flesh that was just exposed behind you as a result of your incredibly short nightie.
“Psh, so presumptuous”
As you walk towards your room, Ellie walks behind you although she has more than enough space to walk besides you. You get the feeling that she's nervous, even after her teasing and all, and you don't have to wonder why too much. Your house is huge, intimidating, filled with strange sculptures and paintings by obscure artists regular people have never even heard of. You don't have just one living room, you have three, and in each and every one of them stands a different technology piece of some sort. Also, your heels cost more than her outfit, could be more worth than the entirety of her damn closet, and most importantly — you're walking with a pink robe and some heels on.
When you reach your room, Ellie awkwardly smiles and straightens her muscular back. Then, she holds on to the straps of her backpack.
"First of all" you sigh, and now it's your turn to feel coy. "Thank you for coming over so late. I know it's like, absolutely ridiculous, and you know, you don't get paid for this so...", you flash Ellie an endearing smile, the apples of your cheeks rising sweetly as a humble thank you. "And, second of all... jus'... brace yourself?"
Ellie's brows arch up, but before she has time to ask — oh.
You both step into your lit room. Toodles follows by closely, entering the room as well, whilst rubbing his furry back against Ellie's calves.
"Yup..."
Ellie's fingers instinctively clasp onto the straps of her backpack once more, her eyes widening ever so slightly, but she fights to seem as unsurprised as she can — she fails miserably, because she gasps a little.
Your room is nothing but a... cotton candy dream world. A wall that's painted in pretty dusty pink, a princess bed that's nothing but a regal centerpiece. Above the bed, a canopy of gossamer silk drapes from a custom-crafted wrought iron frame, And the final sophisticated touch, a grand crystal chandelier, suspended from the ceiling. There are also clothes everywhere, empty water bottles, used sheet masks, a stack of books — some half-read, others forgotten, teetered precariously on a random corner. Ellie sticks out like a sore thumb. She stands out like a neon sign in a library, a skateboard at a black-tie gala.
You like it.
She clears her throat, stepping further into your room. "I take it black is your favorite color?" she titters sarcastically.
You giggle.
"Mhm, also I'm clearly very organized, and I hate clothes" you murmur and point out the pile of dresses haphazardly bunched in the corner of your room.
She should feel out of place. She should probably laugh, even sneak a pic — tell all her "cool" friends about how mindblowingly ridiculous the prissy rich girls room is. Instead, she thinks about how cute you must look cuddled up in a bed this big, how adorable it'd be to see your bed-head poking through the sheets at 8am, how sweet it must be to watch you skip around your room, trying on your shitload of clothes, throwing them in the air and huffing like a medieval brat of a princess. She wants to place a fucking tiara on your head. She sees your sticker collection from the corner of her eye, your vinyls, your candles, your crystals and Toodles' sofa.
And she likes it.
You take a deep breath. You shouldn't even care if she likes it or not, you shouldn't be bothered by it at all — you rarely are, but something inside of you yearns for... something.
"It suits you" she murmurs.
And that's certainly good enough, because it does.
You gesture Ellie to sit on the rolling chair next to yours, and her eyes still roam over the space of your room. “My room looks exactly the same, by the way… same uh, size too… n’stuffed animals… Shit, I like the elephant one”, she sarcastically remarks as she sits on the chair and hunches down, manspreading as she often does. Your eyes can’t help but roam down, because her damn thighs flexed under those jorts and you heard her, but you also kind of didn’t.
Ellie clears her throat and narrows her eyes. Jheez, she thinks, you must be absolutely exhausted since your eyes don’t seem to be able to focus.
“Huh?” you say, startled. You’re still standing up on those heels. Ellie sniffles and chuckles and her voice goes all quiet.
“Said pink nauseates me, that I hate those stuffed animals and that your elephant doll’s ugly as shit”
You roll your eyes and your tongue swipes over your glossy bottom lip. You bite it and you sit down on the chair. Ellie’s eyes scan over your chest and she averts her gaze like a deer caught in headlights.
“Hate you, chem tutor” you huff, resting your head on the palm of your hand. Ellie doesn’t maintain a second of eye contact but she chuckles and it’s cocky.
“You need me, and you need an A in chemistry”
You like that side of her.
You let your eyes blink lazily at her, a cheeky little smirk forming on your lips. When you open your mouth again, just to smack it on your glossy lips, you brush your leg ‘accidentally’ against hers, and rigid she goes. “Mhm, I definitely need you, Ellie…”
The apples of Ellie’s cheek shine in bright crimson and her hand flexes. She grabs her pen and clicks on it once. You didn’t mean it like that, she so obviously knows or believes, but it matters nonetheless. You like that side of her so much more.
You cross your pretty legs and let the tip of your heel graze her chair. “So, you want a drink before we start studying?”, you’re way too damn close, she nods — but she doesn’t need a ‘drink’ she needs a damn water fountain that directly flows onto her mouth and satisfies that damn drench. Is it possible for her damn knee to feel hot? Why is her knee feeling hot?
“Anything specific?”
“Jus’ waters fine” Ellie manages to murmur, lips forming a teeny tiny, shy, crescent smile.
“I was thinking more… like, wine? I have a wine cooler n’my room… if you wanted water i’d have to like, go downstairs and… It’s so lonely in there” your voice is saccharine, delicate, and it and coaxes Ellie’s mind.
“Wine’s perfect, I love wine” says Ellie.
She hates wine.
“Mhm, red or white?” — Your question comes when you lift your butt off the chair and walk slowly towards the cooler.
“Uh, r-red. S’much… richer” Ellie falters, remembering vaguely the time Joel had mentioned white wine’s for pussies. When she tried a red one, she gagged.
“Impressive” you note.
Ellie rolls the chair with the help of her heavy Doc's, and watches as you pour the red liquid into two delicate glasses. Your leg, she notices, is clad with a shiny, delicate golden piece of jewelry. Her eyes scan upwards, towards your bare thighs — the flesh is glistening, almost appearing as if it's covered with oil. Her mind drifts elsewhere, to a world in which your nightie is nothing but nonexistent, and those thighs...
Her stomach grumbles, she firmly holds onto it. Why NOW.
"Hungry?" you place the glass on the table, slightly nudging it towards Ellie.
She's starving.
you flash her a devilish smirk, cocking your head to the side.
"Oh, uhh... nope"
Famished.
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