#maybe i’m just noticing it more because my furniture is dark?

[umemiyan]

i swear sometimes i don’t know where all the dust comes from in this little apartment. like i know dust is always a thing but jeez i just cannot seem to stay on top of it. do y’all have this problem?

[justapoet]

Random dialogue prompt list

"Have you ever been in love?" "No. Why?" "I think I'm in love with you."

Distancing themself from the other because they start to think that there is definitely something wrong with them

Stuttering

"I missed you so much, I don't know why. But, I did."

"You look perfect in this outfit." "Oh."

“Tell me you did not go to a fight without me.” “I don’t need you to protect me.” “It’s not about protection-”

"Did you forget that it was your turn to grab the groceries today?" "Yeah, sorry. I thought I'd wait for you so we can go together?"

“The problem lies within the fact that I want more. That’s what scares me the most, because I don’t want to want more. But I can’t help it.” 

“You said you loved me last night.”

“So that confession…” “Didn’t mean shit ‘cause I was drunk. And I don’t want you accepting that. Let me confess to you, properly, at the least.”

“I swear I didn’t murder anyone.” 

"Who are you when you're not performing?" "Fuck. Marry me."

“You have the most beautiful smile, you know that?”

“I just want(ed) to make you smile.”

“I was just getting my coffee, but then I fell in love with you”

"I…I missed you." "Oh."

“I desperately want to kiss you.”

“Maybe it’s a good mood. Maybe it’s a manic episode.”

"Don't open your eyes"

"Goddammit, don't say that!"

“Fuck it. I’m in.” 

“Too late. I’m already yours.”

“Nothing - no matter how weird or dark - could ever change the way I feel about you.”

“For once, I’m completely serious.”

“I don´t believe that you know what the hell you are doing half of the time.” 

“There isn’t a single unit of thought behind your eyes.” “Of course, not. I’m looking at you. My brain doesn’t work when I’m looking at you.”

"Are we going to talk about it?"

“I’d tear down mountains and rewrite the stars just to see you smile.”

“You weren’t part of my life plan.”

“So, tell me, what do you feel for me?”

“I’m this close to resorting to physical violence if shit continues to not work out.”

“I don’t know what to do.” 

“Say another word and I´ll shove these fries down your throat.” 

“Could you even try to be nice to me today?”

“There are about thirty-five ways this could go wrong. I’d say that’s pretty good odds.”

"Are you seriously considering to go through with this complete absurd?"

"It's a miracle you're still alive." "Mom does say you're a miracle worker, yes."

"You're sick. Did the fever make you forget how to dial my number?"

"Just do it, you moron."

"My self-control is hanging by a thread right now. Please, don't do this to me."

“Hey, neighbour, I’ve never met you before but your dog just destroyed my garden."

“Well, I’m afraid that opinion’s going to change once you get to know me.”

"Ever thought of stepping outside, or have you become part of the furniture?"

"Can you just look at me? Please?"

"I needed to hear your voice."

“Just to clarify: We are in a relationship, right?”

"You're the only thing I should be afraid of, and that fear died off years ago."

“it’s a bit frustrating to how oblivious you are.”

“what do i have to do or say for you to notice that i’m in love with you?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t supposed to happen and I was not supposed to say that, I’m so sorry.” 

so, hi! this is just a silly prompt list, but I'd very much like to ask you to send me asks and resquest a fic from any of them!

I'll be writing for the following couples:

Buddie (9-1-1)

Percabeth (Percy Jackson)

Nick and Chalie (Heartstopper)

Aziracrow (Good Omens)

Polin (Bridgerton)

Kathony (Bridgerton)

If you have any other couples from these universes that you might want, you can send them to me, as well. Other than Buddie (that it's not canon just yet), I like best to only write canon couples.

[here4tripitaka]

Chapter 58: Wukong chooses good over evil. By killing somebody.

Well, this chapter explained a lot. I’m finally up to speed with you all - the Six-Eared Macaque was Wukong’s alter ego. Now that I know, I’m seeing the last few chapters differently. So I want to circle back to this from last chapter:

Look, we’ve all had bad experiences with team work. I’m sure we’ve all had times when we’ve wanted to spit the dummy and just do the whole thing ourselves. So we can take all the credit, which we totally deserve… maybe. But apparently that is not the solution.

It is interesting that the macaque is killed, not just subdued. Not only is it killed, the entire species is permanently eradicated:

That is, Wukong’s decision to commit to ‘good’ is permanent; even irreversible. That is a deep level of commitment. It’s very different from the idea of having to fight temptation constantly - having to re-commit to choosing good every day, many times each day.

In other words, I was thinking this:

Whereas Wukong was thinking this:

I guess he’s got a point. If you’re ever going to reach true enlightenment, I guess you’ve got to quit your earthly bullshit once and for all.

So I guess it’s kind of like this:

And then you’re Gryffindor forever, no further effort required to stay away from the dark side. HOORAY! Except I think Wukong would be more like:

Interestingly, Tathagata’s description of the Six-Eared Macaque doesn’t make him sound inherently evil:

The footnote is cool:

Brave’s AI had a wildly different take on that saying:

I mean, Yu would know better than random AI, obviously. But the AI answer did make me curious. Alas, the search results seemed to have nothing to do with it.

Anyway, Wukong’s lack of sentimentality in killing the macaque is interesting. So is his reproach to Tathagata when Tathagata seems horrified:

Perhaps Wukong is right: perhaps bad traits within oneself should be squelched unflinchingly, without a backward glance. Perhaps compassion is an inappropriate reaction there, just as Tripitaka’s “compassion” is misplaced a lot of the time.

Still, I’m surprised that nobody punishes him or says he’s out of line for telling Tathagata of all beings what to do. Seems pretty cheeky.

The conflict between Wukong and Tripitaka is resolved by Tathagata and Guanyin telling Wukong and Tripitaka to pull their heads in. Tripitaka obeys without hesitation. I kind of love this about him.

Tripitaka and Wukong really are opposites in this way. Wukong is all backtalk, defiance and autonomy. Tripitaka is obedience and reverent submission personified.

Anyway, this results in everyone being best buds again:

Because no one needs to actually talk through their differences or resolve their feelings about, you know, whether it’s okay to murder people or not. They just need to be told by their superiors to get over it.

And now, in no particular order, honourable mentions from this week:

I loved the bureaucratic hand-writing at the Mountain of Perpetual Shade. “I’m not sure how to deal with this. Let me call my manager. Let me call ALL the managers!”

That moment where you want to be nice to your guests, cos they seem really fancy. But you also want them to leave before they smash up the furniture:

Flower showers!

These were referenced in in chapter 52, too:

I wish I knew what Yu was talking about. Even my best googling returns nothing. But it sure does sound pretty!

Last up, it just sank in that Guanyin has a cockatoo:

TIL cockatoos are not just Australian. And that Indonesian white cockatoos look much more regal than their Australian sulphur-crested cousins. 

Apparently:

They were quite popular in China during the Tang dynasty, a fact which in turn influenced the depictions of Guan Yin with a white parrot. The Fourth Crusade was also sealed between Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II and the Sultan of Babylon in 1229 with a gift of a white cockatoo.

Speaking of all things nature, did anyone notice that the macaque turned into a bee when it tried to escape? Alas, the macaque’s bee clearly wasn’t as impressive as Wukong’s bee transformation at the Scorpion Demon’s lair, because the macaque’s bee doesn’t get any poetry. Let’s honour it with this picture instead.

RIP, Evil Wukong!

@journeythroughjourneytothewest

---

Image credits: The usual spiel. The images above are either AI, or random pictures from the web, or a Frankenstein of both; some modified, some not. They are not original. The pre-existing images should turn up with reverse googling or have links embedded, but feel free to ask and I’ll dig up sources.

[untaemedqueen]

At Your Service

Escort!Jeongguk x CEO!Reader

Genre: Strangers to Lovers!AU, Angst, Fluff, Smut

Chapter 9.

Series Warnings (Will Be Updated): Angst, Fluff, Cold Heartedness, Emotional Trauma, Healing, Smut, Dark Humor

Warnings For This Chapter: Making Out, Pet Names, Praise, Jeongguk Has A Tongue Ring, Daddy Kink, Cunnilingus, Big Dick!Jeongguk, Begging, Unprotected Sex, Multiple Orgasms, Cream Pie

By the time you got home from the long night of social interactions with people who count money like sheep, it was just simply too dark to drive further from your mansion to take Jeongguk back home to his apartment.

It's not that you couldn't drive but then the rainstorm began and it wouldn't be safe with the slippery roads.

So now as it strikes one in the morning Jeon Jeongguk is paralyzed with fear to even be in your mansion at such a late hour.

"So where am I even supposed to sleep?" he inquires softly.

He sounds almost like a lost, scared child looking for his parents.

And you would feel bad for him if it wasn't hilarious and he wasn't almost thirty years old.

"Well none of the guest rooms have furniture so either on the couch that's harder than a rock or in my bed. Your choice, really," you reply, pulling your gloves slowly off your arms.

He opens his mouth to respond before tilting his head to look at the artistic couch down below the banister of the second floor, his eyebrows notch and he groans long and low at the prospect.

"I can't sleep in your bed! I'd be violating your privacy!" he guffaws, shaking his head sternly as if to wipe away any bad thoughts.

"Guk, the bed is from wall to wall. You don't have to sleep on top of me. You'll fall asleep and won't even remember a thing," you promise, unzipping the back of your dress and stepping into your closet.

"But…But… Why don't you have any furniture in your rooms anyway?!"

He sounds nervous and anxious, a sign that just screams to you that he might actually enjoy it if he just allows himself to.

When his eyes rake over the smooth skin of your back, the wildest of thoughts flit through his brain and he really loses all sense of self then.

"Because I don't want people staying over… duh," you chirp, stripping out of your dress.

"But I'm an exception?! You have no backbone!" Jeongguk scoffs, folding his arms childishly.

When he notices that he can catch the reflection of you getting naked in one of the glass doors that house your couture gowns, he wrestles with himself for a moment before turning to face the large fish tank at the end of the long hall.

"You sound embarrassed," you tease, grabbing your nightgown.

When you slip it over your head, your eye catches your shortest nightgown and you freeze.

You haven't had fun in a long time, probably longer than what most doctors would consider to be normal. So maybe tonight, just tonight, you'll have some fun.

"I'm not embarrassed! I could sleep next to you just fine! I just-just… It's not right! It'd be taking advantage!"

"It's not taking advantage," you counter, stepping outside of your closet, "and if you feel that way then you could sleep on the floor."

"I'm not gonna sleep on the floor! It's marbl-"

Jeongguk stops mid-sentence to choke on his own spit as you step in front of him. Your nightgown is incredibly short, the rich lace hem landing right below the curve of your ass. As for your breasts, well, he's lucky your nipples are covered.

With his eyes widening to the size of saucers, he opts to staring up at the ceiling.

"I think you're a baby," you tease, heading off towards your bedroom.

With every step you take, his eyes seem to become grounded more and more until they're watching your hips sway with criminal intent towards the room that has brought this panic on to begin with.

"Change," he begs, his voice sounding weak.

If his body did what it wanted without the help of his brain, he'd be crashing to his knees and crawling toward you begging to let him have any inch of you that you'd offer him.

"No, you're a baby," you giggle, entering your room.

"But-"

"Guk, it's just sleep. It's almost two in the morning. I'm exhausted. You can either sleep with me or on the floor, it's up to you but I'm laying down now."

The handsome escort makes his second fatal mistake by watching you crawl into bed. Your breasts sway and you look at him with these doe-like eyes that make his legs go weak.

Luckily, he's holding himself upright as he leans against the doorjamb.

"I'm not staring at you all night as you loom over me in the distance like some kind of fever dream monster or something," you sigh, laying down on your side and putting your arm beneath your pillow for comfort.

"God!" the handsome man complains, walking over to the bed beside you.

He begins to strip off his clothes, revealing more and more of his golden toned skin that sings with black and grey ink.

He's staring at you hoping you don't stare at him but you do. Your eyes are becoming less and less dead by the second, every time a new ab is revealed your head is even lifting up off of the pillow.

"I thought you were tired?" Guk chuckles.

Now it's your turn to get defensive.

"I am! I'm not looking at you!" you retort, turning away from him with pinched eyebrows.

Now he's got his confidence back.

When you're flustered it's easier for him to play around, he's not used to being flustered himself.

"Come on, baby," he purrs playfully, crawling into bed behind you and pressing his bare chest to your back, "kiss me."

"God! Go sleep on the floor!" you hiss, squeezing your eyes shut and shimmying down the bed away from him.

His chuckle is deep and delighted, almost carefree to the point of dangerousness.

"That…" he begins, wrapping his arm around your stomach and pressing his lips to your ear, "would be uncomfortable. You were right, it's just sleep. I can stay the night in bed with you."

His cologne is still pleasant and it tickles your senses to have him so close.

Guk's arm is warm and comforting around you, not so much claustrophobic as you would have assumed.

The air is turning into something tumultuous, something powerful and Earth shatteringly dangerous.

You're getting turned on.

You can feel every inch of his hard muscled chest and stomach digging into your scantily clad back and the escort is doing nothing to stop it.

"I'm not paying you for this," you remind him, grabbing a pillow and squeezing it to your front for comfort.

"You're not paying me at all, Y/N," he counters, closing his eyes, "If you want me to stop, just say so. I respect that no means no."

But you don't utter a word.

Jeongguk shifts closer, allowing you to feel the effect you have on him.

The globes of your ass are supple against his hips and you can feel his erection digging into you for relief.

Your lips open in surprise but you only squeeze your eyes tighter.

"You don't fuck clients," you whisper, gripping the pillow against your chest harder.

"No," he agrees, drifting his lips over the shell of your ear slowly, "you're not paying me, you're not my client, baby."

Jeongguk fucking wants this. He's throwing caution to the wind, he might be making a hell of a mistake but he'll take that on the chin too.

He knows you both have a connection, he knows he's into you and he thinks you're pretty into him too.

"Do you not want me to touch you, Wednesday?" he asks seriously, sitting up on his elbow.

"No," you answer immediately.

"Okay," he breathes, pulling away from you.

You shimmy your way farther across the bed before the encroaching loneliness begins to eat at you again.

When Guk is around you, you don't have time to feel it.

So all you do is pout.

You're confused! You don't know what to do! You want to be happy and live in lalaland but can you really indulge in that?!

"Yes," you say in the silent bedroom.

The escort is on you in a matter of moments, pressing his full lips to yours in a searingly hot kiss.

Your hands tangle into his black locks and you tug softly. He hums against you greedily, the sound sending tingles through your limbs at a satisfying pace.

"C'mere, c'mere," he hisses, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you up into his lap.

He feels like a drug addict, he's strung out on you and he needs more to function

Your legs wrap around his waist and when you whimper against his lips, his eyes roll back.

"Is this expensive?" he inquires, wrapping his fingers in the spaghetti straps of your nightgown.

"Yes," you answer, pulling away from him.

"Oh, good," he breathes, tugging roughly and feeling the fabric turn to strings before him.

He lays you down softly, watching how your hair billows out around you in tendrils on your pillow. Guk stays nestled between your thighs, running a free hand over your skin.

"You're so smooth and soft," he groans, pulling the useless fabric away from your body to see all of you.

At this moment, you want to cover up and hide. You want to push him off and just curl into the fetal position.

He can see that. He can see the sudden fright in his eyes and his heart hurts at the sight.

"I'm right here, just focus on me," he whispers, pulling at your hands until he lays them flat against his chest.

Your nails dig into his skin softly and the hiss he gives, the way his hips rut to yours on instinct has you distracted all over again.

Finally, he lets his eyes travel down your body.

"God, you're perfect," he mumbles, cupping your breasts.

"Guk, I-I don't know. I'm not… I don't…" you whisper, looking up at him.

When his mocha irises meet yours, they soften. "We can stop, do you want to stop, baby?"

He goes to retract his hands but the prospect of not having him might eat you alive more than if you do.

"I don't know," you answer honestly.

"That's not an answer," he chuckles, leaning down and kissing you softly.

His tongue fights for dominance with yours and it wins so easily that you can feel the ice cold walls around your heart melt within seconds.

You don't want to stop.

But you're scared.

So you're truthful with him and you voice it.

"I'm not going anywhere, Wednesday. I'm not Jasper. I'm here with you, I'm not leaving," he promises.

He's so confident and so heartfelt with his words that you just let yourself be.

You don't want to be this person anymore.

You aren't this person with Jeongguk and you really like that.

He makes you forget heartache and pain, he makes you forget anger and emptiness.

"Do you want this?" he asks, brushing some stray hairs from your face.

"Yes," you nod, giving a shaky breath.

His smile is wide and beaming and he caresses your cheek with the softest touch.

"Good girl," he praises softly, going back to his earlier route.

The praise has your mind spinning, like you're on some kind of serotonin drug.

His hands cup your breasts and he can only compliment them as his lips trail down your neck. "You've got a gorgeous body, Wednesday."

His thumbs flick at your hardening nipples and your back arches with a whimper that sounds so odd tumbling from your lips.

"That's it, gorgeous," Guk hisses, wrapping his perfect lips around your pert nipple.

He hasn't touched a woman in ages either,  he himself hasn't been touched in what feels like years.

The escort wants this so badly, he can't even remind himself to pace himself, he just needs you, he just wants you so badly that it feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest.

"Say my name," he whispers, moving to your unattended breast and flicking your nipple with the tip of his tongue.

The action sends shivers up your spine and you cry out softly for more.

"Jeongguk!"

His eyes flutter closed at the sincerity of the word and he's all but ready to just give his whole self to you.

He could fall in love with you right now if he's not careful.

One hand continues to play with your breast, pinching and plucking at you until you're short of breath while the other rips your satin underwear away from your core with ease.

"Oh my God," you gasp, putting your head back and squeezing your eyes shut.

The escort kisses down your stomach until his arms are wrapping around your thighs to cage you into a device of his making.

He licks his lips, ogling how much arousal has made you a sodden mess before him and he wants to scream to Heavens to thank them for this opportunity.

"You okay?" Guk inquires sweetly, kissing from your knee to your inner thigh.

"Y-Yeah," you breathe, lifting up on your elbows.

"Good," he hisses, licking a flat stripe up your folding.

Your hands grip at the sheets, mouth dropping open at how warm and wet his mouth is.

"Tongue ring or no tongue ring?" he asks, letting his tongue hang past his lips.

"J-... I-... What?!" you whine, bunching your hands up in his hair.

His smirk is devilish and he chuckles deeply. "Tongue ring it is."

He begins to devour you, suckling and licking at your slit like a man possessed and you crash back down to the bed with moans ripping from your throat.

"Oh fuck! Guk!" you cry out, tugging roughly in his hair.

"Call me daddy," he murmurs, wrapping his lips around your swollen nub.

You're so blissed out that you can't even process his words but you still do as told. "Daddy! Oh my God!"

"Good girl," Guk breathes, inching two fingers towards your entrance.

Your lungs heave with heavy breaths and you watch with rapid fascination as he inches his fingers inside of you.

"You're fucking tight," Jeongguk groans heartily, attaching his lips back to your clit.

He fucks his fingers into you quickly, subsiding the burn of the stretch immediately.

Your legs tingle with pleasure and your toes curl, your mind is jumbled up and all you can feel is this deep ache within your stomach getting bigger and bigger.

When you had sex before, Jasper never looked up at you. He never even went down on you usually but Jeongguk is so present with you.

He stares up at you like he wants to see your pleasure, he wants to treasure this moment. He adores how you writhe and moan for him, he wants you to give everything over to him.

There's adoration in his eyes and you've never seen that before so it pushes you towards the precipice even faster.

He fucks his fingers into you dilligently, groaning at your taste and how loud your moans are that echo off the mansion walls.

"Give it to me, baby," he seethes through his teeth, "I can feel your pussy begging for it."

The handsome man between your legs curls his fingers quickly to the soft patch of muscles inside of you and you yelp softly at the overwhelming feeling.

It's like he already knows how to coax what he wants from you.

"Cum for me and I'll give you my cock," he promises.

It's strange how even in the throes of pleasure you can still find the sassiness you've become so used to peeking out of you. "Wh-Who said I want it?"

Guk chuckles against you, the ragged, hot breath making your back bow. "This pretty pussy says, now cum for me."

He curls his fingers faster until the ache in your stomach bursts and your thighs lock around his shoulders.

Your orgasm is filled with loud moans and white eyelids, your body quivers and racks and Jeongguk sits up to watch it all.

Fuck, you're gorgeous.

Why don't you understand this?

How is he going to make you understand?

Pulling his cock out of his briefs, he strokes it leisurely, waiting for you to come back down to Earth with him.

When your ears stop ringing, you blink once or twice only to be met with the beautiful sight before you.

His cock is long, longer than you expected and so thick that it makes your breath catch. The mushroom tip is red with need and the precum that weeps from his slit is so enticing that your legs open up for him without a second thought.

"Do you want to?" he inquires, leaning down to kiss you.

The kiss is slow and passionate, and he lets go of his cock to hold your face between his hands.

You nod against his lips and he can only smirk.

"Fuck me," you beg, dragging your fingers over his arms.

"Yes ma'am," he whispers, leaning up on his elbow.

You don't know this but he's not going to fuck you. He's going to make love to you but he won't tell you that because it would probably scare the hell out of you.

He positions himself at your entrance, staring deeply into your eyes.

This feels almost too emotional for you but you can't seem to tear your eyes away from his for even a second.

Guk enters you slowly, groaning at the tightness before kissing you languidly to distract you from the stretch.

"Oh my God!" you groan against his lips.

"I'm sorry, is it too big?" he asks with a knowing smile.

"No!" you hiss, letting your eyes flutter shut.

"Oh, no? It's not the biggest cock you've taken in this tight little pussy?" he teases, pulling out and thrusting roughly into you.

Your moan is so loud it could constitute for a scream and you grab for anything to steady yourself.

He gives you his hands, intertwining them and holding them over your head.

"You're so beautiful, Wednesday," he whispers, pressing his forehead to yours.

"Daddy!" you whine, squeezing his hands.

"I got you, baby. I'm not going anywhere. I promise," Jeongguk avows, thrusting into you harder.

His promise is heartfelt and sincere and that radiates deep inside of you.

Every thrust has meaning and an intention to solidify that.

"God, this pussy feels so fucking good. You're so fucking wet!"

"All for you," you breathe.

You're sincere too.

And he knows it.

"Fuck," he curses, picking up the pace.

Your breasts jiggle with his movements and your mind is muddling again all on its own.

He lets one hand go to slide it down your stomach until it nestles against your throbbing bud and he rubs smooth, fast circles.

"Daddy! Fuck! Yes!"

"Yeah? You like that? You want more, baby? You want to cum for me again?"

You nod incessantly, wrapping your legs around his waist.

"Then cum," he coos softly, burying his face in your neck.

Your perfume wraps him in this loving shroud where nothing could ever bother him. You keep him peaceful in this moment.

"I feel it, baby, give it to me. Your pussy is milking my cock so nicely," he groans muffled into your skin.

"G-Guk!" you cry out, squeezing his one hand tighter.

The way you call his name, the anxiousness behind it has him lifting his head.

"I'm right here, Y/N," he whispers, kissing you and coaxing the orgasm from you peacefully.

You whine loudly against his lips, letting go of everything.

The escort groans loudly at how your pussy clenches around him, practically begging him for his seed so he can only comply.

"Oh fuck! I'm cumming! I'm cumming, baby girl!"

His thrusts become shorter and harder until he spills his seed inside of you with shaky breath.

"Baby," he moans loudly, wrapping his arms around you.

Both of your hearts are beating so fast that it feels like they might just give up out of nowhere without warning.

He pulls out of you slowly, laying down by your side and he doesn't even give you a chance to pull away. He wraps his arms around you, burying his face in your hair as he closes his eyes.

There's comfortable silence for a while, it's so comfortable that you haven't even had a chance to begin to worry yet.

"I want you to meet my dog," he mumbles sleepily, kissing your shoulder.

"Your dog?" you inquire with a tired giggle.

"He's the only other one that means more to me in this universe than anything."

"The only other one?" you breathe curiously.

He smirks tiredly, closing his eyes.

"Yeah. You heard me, Wednesday."

<----- Last Chapter            Next Chapter ----->

[unabashegirl]

Lycan 2 — werewolf

Y/N returns to her hometown, Alsfield, when her father falls ill, only to discover the town hides a dark secret—one protected by the mysterious Harry Styles. As Y/N unravels the town's mysteries, her plans to return to San Francisco are derailed.

Author's note: I know that I've kept you all waiting for the next chapter of Lycan, but I wanted to get ahead and post a few more chapters on my Patreon. Anyway without further do, here you go! I hope you enjoy.

check out my patreon (starting at $2) and get full access to all chapters, various one shots like The Cover and much more :)

— all chapters of lycan —

Word count: 1.2K

The last time that Y/N had been in her house had been the day after her graduation. She had just recently turned eighteen. Her father hadn’t even gone to her graduation. She had gone on her own and when her name had been called, no one had cheered for her.

The situation was very eerie for her, which was why she wanted to run as soon as she crossed the front door.  Nothing had changed, everything was still in the same place. Her mother’s paintings were still hung on the walls and even though the house was covered in dust, everything looked organized. She was surprised not to find bottles all over the house. It only meant that someone had cleaned the house before he was admitted to the hospital.

The power was off and so was the water. So, she went upstairs to check the state of her old bedroom.

“Great” she mumbled, as she saw that her room had become a storage room. Her bed was covered with clothes. She couldn’t even walk past the door without bumping into some type of furniture.

Y/N couldn’t stay at the house and not because the bedroom was disorganized but because there was no power or water. However, that didn’t mean she couldn’t take one of the cars. She loaded her bags into the trunk of her old car and started her drive back into the town.

“Finally! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you ever since you left!” Evelyn said as soon as she placed her phone on speaker. “I was freaking out!” Evelyn worked with Y/N, and they met at the office. She had quickly become her best friend in the last few years.

“Sorry. Everything has just been very hectic” She exhaled loudly as she carefully drove down the streets.

“I’m guessing you already visited him?” Evelyn had been caught up with all the details of Robert’s and Y/N’s relationship. She knew everything that Y/N had endured. Since Y/N had told her, Evelyn held lots of respect towards her.

“No. I’ll do that first thing tomorrow. It’s all so weird. It’s like time had stopped. Nothing has really changed” Y/N explained, “The only thing that has changed is the mayor. At least that’s what Niall told me” She shrugged thinking aloud.

“Niall? Who is this man?”

“I met him on the bus. He lives here and told me that there is a new mayor in charge of the town.”

“Was he cute? Did you get his phone number?” Evelyn asked as she walked through the grocery store, getting a few things for a recipe that she had seen online.

“What is this obsession with getting me a boyfriend?” Y/N laughed as she drove past her high school.

“Maybe it has to do with the fact that you are almost twenty-six, and you’ve never had a boyfriend?” Evelyn laughed, “Sorry to break it to you babe, but that is just very odd”.

“What can I say? No one has caught my eye before! Plus, it’s only unusual for you because you’ve always had a boyfriend since you were like ten”.

“Thirteen, bitch” Evelyn corrected her, noticing that the man beside her trying to figure out which cereal to take home was watching her.

“Alright. I’m a believer that whenever the time is right, I will get a boyfriend” She explained, “Anyway, I got to go. I’m pulling into a hotel to get a room for the night. I’ll text you if anything happens”.

“Fine. Love you” Evelyn called out as they hung up.

Y/N pulled into the well-lit inn. It was the most decent hotel.

“Welcome! How can I help you?” The receptionist asked her with a big smile.

“Hi, do you have a room available for the next week?” Y/N asked as she looked around the lobby. She used to dream of staying in the hotel ever since she was little. Unfortunately, even if her parents had wanted it was too expensive for them to afford.

“We do! Is one king bed all right for you?”

“That would be perfect thank you” Y/N nodded as she looked through her purse for her wallet.

“May I have a credit card and some ID?” She asked, just as Y/N pulled them out. “Y/N? Y/N Y/L/N?” The woman asked after looking through her credentials. “It’s me, Ava! We used to sit together in AP bio?”

“Right! Ava Harrison!” She had changed quite a lot which was why Y/N hadn’t been able to recognize her. For starters, she was now a short-haired redhead as opposed to her long brunette head of hair in high school.

Ava reached out and hugged her over the counter.

“How’ve you been?” Ava asked, genuinely curious about her life, “Last time I heard from you was after graduation. People were saying that you had run away”.

“I’ve been good!” Y/N giggled, trying her best not to look uncomfortable even though she left like it. She hated speaking about that era of her life. “It’s not that far from the truth. I went to college in California. I am currently living in San Francisco”.

“Oh wow! You accomplished all your dreams. Not like the rest of us,” she made a face just before swapping her credit card. “What are you doing here?”.

“How is your family?” Y/N asked wanting to change the subject.

“They are good. They are still living in the old house. You are welcome to pass by” Ava smiled, “Alright your room is on the fourth floor, and it's room 102. Breakfast is at eight. Here is your key, and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.” Ava was still curious about her sudden arrival, but to her, it seemed like just a casual visit. So, she abstained from inquiring further.

“Thank you, Ava. Say hello to your parents for me.” Before she could take the elevator up to her room, she needed to retrieve her bags from the trunk.

Y/N closed her trench coat and tighten it as much as possible as a gust of chilly wind hit her as she walked out. There was no one else in the parking lot or driving down the street which made her walk faster towards the car. She cursed at herself for parking so far from the main entrance.

Y/N couldn’t shake off the feeling that someone was watching as she attempted to open the trunk of her car and get her bags out.  Suddenly, the sound of something in the woods startled her. The sound made her skin crawl and for a second, she considered leaving her things in the trunk and getting them in the morning. Terrified, she turned to look at the source of the shuffling which came from the woods across the parking lot. She leaned forward and squinted her eyes in an attempt to get a clear view of what was making so much noise.

Two glowing eyes stared back at her from the depths of the dark woods. She took a step back, trying to get some distance from what was staring at her and that’s when she felt something grab her.

next ---> chapter 3

[bleachbleachbleach]

12th Division Chair Count

I love learning more about the different rooms that are available in each division--like the 2nd Division Shihouin Receiving Room (Oomaeda Filler Episode), and the second-floor 4th Division Map Room (Bount Arc), and the 6th Division Panopticon Hallway (Zanpakutou Rebellion Arc), and the 10th Division Room That is Not the Office with Exactly One Small Table In It (Soul Society Arc denouement). We also know that the 10th has a courtyard that is apparently better-suited to hosting large outdoor events than other places (Beast Swords Arc).

But I’m pretty sure the 12th has everyone beat for furniture procurement orders. They have so many different seating areas???????? Like, okay, there’s the lab, and then there’s the office. But also like...

The Lab

Here’s Byakuya trying his best to make contact with as little of the 12th’s weird yellow chairs as is physically possible. The camera is bolted to the ceiling and even from here you can tell how much he hates that chair. Look at him:

The Office

There’s also this office receiving area, which looks a lot more like a dental office than a dank basement where chairs go to die:

It even has plants! (There are cubicles on the other side of that white partition, where some of the 12th Division members are working.)

And you’d think that, okay, it makes sense that there’d be two seating areas and two primary work nodes in this place. But then there’s also... this seating area?

Which I took notice of because the plants are different, and I was curious about whether it was a different location or whether the plants in the previous shot had already died and been replanted with something new. But my co-blogger thinks it’s an entirely different seating area, because it looks like Kyouraku is sitting on a second couch in this one, as opposed to the two chairs. And there’s another white partition on the right/a suggestion of additional depth over there that the window(?) in the first shot doesn’t have.

I don’t know what’s going on with that window, but based on the color alone I’m assuming that there’s a full dress rehearsal of “The Dark of the Bleeding Moon” number from the Bleach Rock Musicals going on next door.

So the office has a least two different receiving areas for guests of the 12th. Understandable, since they have more reasons to have guests than any other division outside the 4th. But I’m still impressed that these rooms exist and seem to accept and invite the idea that they will have guests. They could just make everyone stand around like the impositions to the Work that they are, LOL.

And then there’s THIS ROOM. Which is also in the 12th, and looks like it could be the receiving area in the above shot, except there’s clearly more room behind Ukitake, not just wall, and this couch set-up has TWO planters, bookending either couch!

In the scene, Kyouraku and Ukitake are looking at secret Dangai archives, so maybe this is part of some kind of secret Dangai archives reading room, rather than the main office.

THERE ARE SO MANY OF THESE.

[claudiyerrr]

Hey!! I’d like to request a creepypasta match up :))

My names Erin and i’m pansexual! (she/they/he)

I love musical theater, arts and crafts, painting, singing, acting, writing, the occult, fashion, and makeup.

I’m Dominican and Black so I practice brujaria. It’s a cultural practice :))

I’m VERY extroverted and have a relatively large amount of friends. I love hanging out with them and exploring places with them.

I love the outdoors and exploring random abandoned places. I’m very adventurous and love to be with people as I do so.

I have really bad jealousy problems and I could be very clingy at times.

As soon as I got your request I was like boom, this is the one >:D I hope you enjoy!!

Your matchup is. . . Kagekao!

Exploring abandoned places with friends had always been a really fun pastime of yours, but something was different about this time.

Maybe it was because everyone else in your friend group wanted to get out of there due to feeling like “something was off,” while you didn’t. You brushed off their concerns, turning the doorknob to another room before glancing back at them one last time.

“Guys seriously, don’t worry. I’ll only be a few more minutes!” you reassured while letting go of the round metal knob to give them a wave goodbye.

Swiveling your head back toward the door after they all left, you took a step forward only to come face to face with solid wood. Huh, didn’t I open that door just a minute ago?

Shrugging it off, you opened the door and took a step inside the mostly empty room save for a few pieces of furniture pushed up against the walls. “Weird,” you looked around in awe for a moment.

Shutting the door behind you and trying numerous switches on the wall, the dark room was suddenly illuminated with bright, flickering white lights, which reflected off the shards of broken glass scattered along the ground.

“Sweet,” you beamed to yourself while turning off and pocketing your flashlight. Taking a few more steps, you get chills when a scratching sound from the ventilation system above echoes throughout the room.

Pausing for what felt like an eternity, you swallowed your fears and kept traversing through the place. That’s when you noticed a slim door on the opposite end; Must be a broom closet.

You went over to it anyway, but just when your hand hovered above the knob, a loud crash came from behind you and you gasped, clutching your mouth.

Narrowing your eyes at the object, you take deep breaths. It was just a broken wine bottle from under the open vent. It could’ve been a broken garbage chute that a squatter decided to use. Yeah totally…

“Kekeke!” you heard a muffled laugh from behind you and turned around with hands on your hips. “I better be losing it right now,” was all you could say before biting your bottom lip and ripping open the broom closet’s door only to be met with nothing.

Blinking in utter disbelief, you close the door and turn around to be met with a black and white masked man standing halfway across the room, a large smile spreading across both sides of the mask.

Bumping into the door behind you, you grunt before taking a deep breath as he tilts his head. “Thank god,” you muttered with a relieved grin. “I thought this place was haunted for a second there.”

After your run-in with the masked man, you walked out of the building amusedly, taking your time to traverse down each flight of stairs. “待って,” you heard someone call out from behind you.

Turning around with a hum, you give the masked man a little wave. Coming over to where you stood by the main exit of the place, he extended a hand to you while holding what you could only assume was his phone, the “New Message,” screen showing.

“My number?” you asked with a light laugh, flattered but also very puzzled. The guy only nodded, inching the phone closer to you. Taking it and naming your contact, you felt yourself beaming subconsciously as you took your leave.

*

*

*

*

*

You two texted for a few months and each took turns using translating apps as you got to know each other. He was honestly a super funny guy and you liked how carefree he could be.

It was when Kagekao asked to meet up in person to hang out again and your heart fluttered that you knew you felt something more towards him.

Right outside the abandoned factory that you both agreed on checking out together, you got a tap on your shoulder. Turning around with a huge grin, you threw your arms around him.

“Kagekao!” you exclaimed with bright eyes as he hugged you back, picking you up to spin you around in the air once before placing you back down carefully.

Shining your flashlight around, you took mental notes of where each of the rooms were so you wouldn’t get lost while Kagekao stuck by your side.

Almost losing a limb a few too many times, Kagekao and you decided to stop messing with the hazardous machines and go to the roof, the setting sun shining through some of the cracked and dusty windows.

Holding the door for you, Kagekao followed you over to the stone ledge and sat down to admire the scenery in a comfortable silence. That is until he wrapped an arm around you, grinning mask looking over at your face. “I love you,” he spoke slowly in his second language.

You felt a heat rush to your face and giggled while swinging your feet happily, making Kagekao’s tense shoulders relax as he did the same. “I love you too.”

*

*

*

Random headcanons:

- He understands a good amount of English but verbal conversations aren’t really two ways yet, more like one and a half the way there. That doesn’t mean Kagekao’s going to use you for amusement purposes and dispose of you though.

- This guy acts so bizarre at first and does the most random things to test the waters with you. Seeing how ticklish you are without scratching you is one of them.

- He thinks you’re really fun to be around and tease, whether that be with pranks or by him playfully flirting with you (usually physically) when you least expect it!

- He’s totally going to call you cute Japanese nicknames in a low voice to try and get you flustered.

- Since he’s more comfortable speaking in his first language, you’ll probably pick up on the basics of it pretty quickly. If you ask him to give you Japanese lessons, Kagekao will be absolutely ecstatic.

- Kagekao loves when you tell him about how you practice Brujaria. It’s a huge cultural experience for you and it’s really interesting to him. Also, the fact that it’s you who does Brujaria makes him that much more eager to learn about it.

- This guy will prank everyone else on stage at your theater plays and make them mess up in not-so-tiny ways just to make you seem like a god out there.

- You’ll never see him actually switch a prop out from under somebody’s nose or shine a spotlight on the wrong person, but trust me, you’ll know it’s him doing so.

- He thinks your paintings and crafts are really pretty and neat. Kagekao might ask if he can have one but won't take no for an answer because he’ll end up taking off with a little something of yours anyways.

- Kagekao likes how you coordinate your makeup with your outfits. He thinks you’re eye candy and will most definitely let you know in one way or another.

- I can see you two exploring those super abandoned places that look like they’ll fall apart any second. Don’t worry, Kagekao will 100% catch you before you hit the ground if you trip over some debris. He also loves trying to make you laugh by crawling on the ceiling like he’s in “The Exorcist” lol.

- If you think you have a jealousy problem, just picture how envious this man gets when other people are making you giggle or giving you hugs. He’ll definitely find ways to embarrass them in front of you just so they’ll stop trying to take you from him.

- Kagekao adores your clinginess and doesn’t mind it one bit! If you refuse to let go of his hand, he’ll just hold it even tighter. If you don’t want to leave his side, you two will spend the entire day together no problemo.

- He drops little hints that he’s not a good person by society’s standards and that’s how you piece together that Kagekao murders people. You could already tell he didn’t have an ordinary 9:00-5 job or go to school. I mean, you knew he wore a mask and had razor-sharp claws for a reason, so this wasn’t much of a shock.

- Because he’s a demon, Kagekao’s pretty cold all the time despite being bundled up well. He’s a nice cuddler who likes to just sit you down on his lap by the fireplace while sipping some wine to relax after a long day.

- If you hold onto his hand and just run your fingertip lightly along his claws, he’ll blush so hard and probably end up pulling his mask up all the way over his face.

- The only time he gets extremely shy around you is when you ask for a kiss. He barely EVER fully removes his mask, so kisses are always something special to him. They’re usually quick pecks on the lips, but he’ll take a sweet moment to just look into your eyes and admire you before each one!

[daughtersofbelleteyn]

I'll Move the Stars For You

Cute little Joellie fanfic for you all. Full of family fluff, Ellie sassing Joel and Joel being soft!

Summary: Joel sets up a little surprise for Ellie with glow-in-the-dark stars. Pure family fluff with lots of unsaid "I love you" for the both of them.

You can read it here on A03 or below the cut.

Enjoy!

*****************************

Ellie ran towards the porch, ducking her head in an attempt to see something, the droplets of rain lashing hard against her skin and hair. She burst the door open and entered her home with a sigh of relief. 

Drip drip drip. She could hear the drops hitting the hardwood floor as she took deep breaths, trying to calm down after having crossed half of Jackson running as fast as she could.

She took off her boots, wondering where the hell Joes was. His boots and his coat were here, but he she couldn’t see him in the living room or the kitchen.

She strained her ear to catch any sound of him coming from the garage or his room when she heard the floorboards of her bedroom creak. Her whole body went on alert. Someone had entered her home. Someone was in her bedroom and maybe had taken Joel. Shit.

“JOEL?” she called as she slung her coat on the floor and ran towards the stairs.

She heard a soft “shit” and something falling on the ground when she reached the landing. She was about to turn the handle when she heard a stern “Ellie, don’t enter your room!”

What the fuck??

She froze. “Joel, are you okay? What are you doing, man?”

A sigh. “I’m alright kiddo. I’m just fixing something in your room and I had to push some furniture around and there is one behind the door. I didn’t want you to open the door wide and damage it. Tis all.”

“So I can’t enter my room because you randomly decided it needed fixing? You’re weird, old man.”

She heard him come closer and her bedroom door opened. A dishevelled, tired looking Joel put his head out. His eyes widened when he saw her state.

“Damn, you’re soaked, kiddo.”

“Oh yeah? I hadn’t noticed! I could get something warm and dry, but you know, for that I would need to be able to enter my fucking room.” She sassed.

She felt annoyed that he was in her room without her. Not that she didn’t trust him, she knew he wouldn’t go snooping around. But what if in moving furniture around he made her notebook fall open and he saw her drawings? Or worse! What she had written in it. And there was also the possibility that he would find the Christmas present she was trying to make him. She had hidden it well, but you could never know. She hated this!

 He sighed heavily, playing his best “tired of your shit” kind of Joel sigh.

“Wait here,” he said before closing the door.

She huffed but obeyed him.

He came back a few seconds later and handed some warm clothes she used as pjs.

“Go shower and put this on. I’ll join you afterwards and I’ll cook us some dinner to warm you up.”

She took her clothes and tried to peek behind him, wanting to see what the fuck he was doing in her bedroom. He tsked and put the hand that had handed her the clothes over her eyes.

“Ah! No peeking! You’ll see the changes after dinner. Now go shower. And yes, you need to shower, getting soaked by rain does not replace a shower. Now shoo!” and with that he gently pushed her forehead away before closing the door.

“Old bastard,” she grumbled, annoyed that he had forestalled her arguments. They had argued over this more times than she could tell. She strongly believed she didn’t need to shower after getting drenched by rain, it was just a waste of water.

“I heard that!”

She rolled her eyes and walked towards the bathroom. She was gonna take that shower, but because she was cold and couldn’t chill in her bedroom anyway, not because Joel was right.

She quickly showered then walked down in the living room. She sat on the couch and picked the guitar that Joel had left next to the couch after their practice session last night. She strummed the chords for a while, waiting for him to come down.

He finally came down half an hour later. When he saw her practising, he smiled at her. “You sound good, kiddo.”

She blushed under the praise, “thanks.”

He walked past her and into the kitchen. She followed him with her eyes. “What were you fixing in my bedroom?”

He turned her back to her, grabbing a pot. “You’ll see after dinner.”

“Pff. Or, I could just run upstairs and have a look. Tell meeee,” she whined.

“Sure you could. And then you’ll have ruined the surprise I have planned for you and wasted the time I spent on it,” he said coldly. 

The fucker, he was playing with her feelings, knowing damn well she would not do that to him.

“Fine,” she grumbled.

“Play for me while I cook? I promise I’ll show you your room after dinner.”

She rolled her eyes but said nothing. She strummed the first chord of her favourite song, the one he had taught her how to play on her birthday, after the cassette tape had broken, worn down by the too many hours she had listened to it on loop.

He hummed happily and started cooking.

They sat down to eat together, Ellie nearly bouncing on her chair, frustrated in having to wait such a long time to see what Joel had plotted.

“How was your day,” he asked.

“Good!” she said in between two bites, not caring for small talk. Her plate was already half empty when Joel had barely had his first bite. He looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“You know it’s useless to wolf down your food. I won’t show you your bedroom until after we have both finished eatin’,” he purposely ate the next bite very slowly, looking at her with sparkling eyes.

“You dick!” she groaned, scrapping her empty plate.

He wiggled his eyebrows and kept eating, excruciating slowly if you asked Ellie. She was sure even a 90 year old without teeth would eat faster than him. He was too proud of himself. She wondered who the kid was, sometimes.

She crossed her arms on her chest and looked at him sternly. The crinkles of his eyes remained through the whole meal, but he did speed up a little. Eating at his normal pace, at least.

When he put down his fork she jumped out of her chair and grabbed both of their plates to put it in the sink.

“There, we’re done eating. Can I see my bedroom now?”

He got up, joint creaking and without saying a word he extended his hand to her.

She grabbed it and let him lead her towards her bedroom. Once upstairs he  stood in front of her door, barring her access.

“Why is there light in my room, Joel? So it’s not okay when I forgot to turn off the light, but with you it’s fine?” She was annoyed by his plotting and felt it was her right to mess with him after all. Reminding him how some of his house rules were stupid and annoying was a good start.

He shook his head fondly and exaggeratedly rolled his eyes. “You’ll see, little brat. Now, I’m gonna cover your eyes with my hand and guide you inside. You will open your eyes when I tell you, okay?”

“Yes, sir,” she said with a mock salute.

He placed his right hand over her eyes and turned her towards the door, pressing his chest against her back, letting her know he was here, she was not alone in the dark. He opened the door then nudged her forward with his left hand on her shoulder.

They took a couple of steps in then she heard the flick of the light being turned off. In that moment it hit her that she had not heard him push the furniture around before he came back down or when she was showering. The old bastard had lied.

Excitement and curiosity were coursing through her. Her mind filing through all the possibilities of what awaited her. She did not smell fresh paint. The furniture had not been moved around as far as she had heard and she could still feel the soft plush of her rug near her bed, so that much had not been changed.

He led her to her bed and made her sit down before seating on her left side..

“Ready to open your eyes?”

She nodded softly, too excited to say anything.

Without a warning he pushed her head backwards a little with his hand on her eyes before withdrawing it.

“Open your eyes, kiddo,” he whispered.

Ellie slowly opened her eyes, despite all the curiosity she had felt before, she almost felt… scared? Joel’s voice had gone unusually soft and she didn’t know how to feel about this.

The room was plunged in the dark, only broken by a weird greenish light. The light itself was coming from hundreds of little dots on the ceiling, varying in size. Wait… those are not dots, they are, “stars,” Ellie whispered in wonder.

She flicked her head toward Joel so swiftly her ponytail came whack her in the face.

“Joel!! What, what is this? This is so cooooool!”

He chuckled softly at the wonder in her voice.

“Those are phosphorescent stars, kiddo. It absorbs light during the day and it… it glows in the dark. Don’t ask me how.”

“Phosphorescent,” she repeated the word, as if tasting it on her tongue.

She looked back up to the ceiling and stared at it in silence for a minute, eyes and mouth wide open.

“I’ve never seen it before. How did you find them?”

“I saw a pack of those stars in a kid’s store during a patrol with Tommy, about a year ago. It made me think of you, so,” he cleared his throat, “I took them. There were only like, 30 or so in a pack, so I started looking for more packs throughout the year, so that it could cover a bigger surface, one day.”

It made me think of you. 

“But, it’s not my birthday? Why now?”

“It don’t need to be your birthday for you to have nice things, kiddo. You were so frustrated to not be able to see the stars because of the shitty weather of the last few days, I – I don’t know, I figured now might be the occasion for you to have them in your room, that way they’re always with you.”

Ellie’s eyes started to sting, she had kept them fixed on the ceiling for too long, she thought.

He had brought the stars to her. He had gotten her the thing she loved most, after him, just because he could, just for her.

The sting in her eyes got stronger. A fat tear started rolling on her right cheek. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t just a result of staring at the stars.

She finally detached her eyes from the ceiling and turned toward Joel, crashing against him before he could do anything. She buried her face in the crook of his neck and whispered a wet “thank you.”

He wrapped his arms around her in response and he started to rock her gently. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes before Ellie broke the hug. As much as she liked hugging Joel, she had stars to look at, right now!

She turned herself and moved to settle against his chest when he stopped her with his hand.

“Wait,” he said.

He scooted back towards the headboard, propping her two fluffy pillows before leaning against them. Once settled he opened his arms to her. She didn’t need more motivation to crawl up the bed and settle against him, her back against his chest, his strong arms around her. He planted a kiss on the top of her raised head.

She was mesmerised. She didn’t think she could be happier right now or could be in a cooler place. The stars were sprawling all around the ceiling, even coming down to the top of her walls, giving her the impression of being under the starry sky on a clear night.

She looked around the place when a particular star caught her attention. There were three different sizes of stars and this one was one of the biggest. It was surrounded by several tiny stars but a few centimetres below there was another big star, then another big one on its right. Her brain registered a misshapen rectangle before it hit her.

“No you didn’t,” she exclaimed, tapping her hand against his thigh in her excitement. “You reproduced the big dipper! Joel, man, this is so coooool!”

He chuckled, his laugh vibrating against her back.

“I did. I’m glad you noticed, I was afraid I messed up the proportions. What else can you see?”

“What else?” She turned to try to see his face, thinking he was messing with her. When their eyes met he only raised his eyebrows with a soft smile, waiting for her to look again.

She resumed her observations. Now that she knew it wasn't just little dots of light thrown haphazardly on the ceiling, her mind started picking up the shapes more quickly and accurately.

 She first found Little Dipper, which was not far from Big Dipper. Then, a bit farther in her room, above the window, she found Cassiopeiae. Joel had placed Orion just above her bed. She smiled when she noticed it. She liked the idea of being protected by the Hunter, ever watching over her, even when he couldn’t.

She couldn’t help the squeal leaving her lips when she saw the Giraffe, the two stars representing her legs falling just above her wardrobe.

“You remembered the Giraffe!!”

“Of course I did. How could I forget Camelopardis.”

“Camelopardalis,” she corrected.

“Ah, yes. I can never get it right. Why is it called like that again? A camel and leopard, or something?”

She nodded. “Yep, they thought it was a mix between the two animals, spots like a leopard and a long neck like a camel. I didn’t know you knew about this one.”

“Well, I live with a damn smart kid who’s always telling me about the things she read about space and who taught me how to read the sky. How do you think I managed to recreate all those constellations? I learned from the best.”

She could hear the smile in his voice. His words brought a wave of warmth over her body. She couldn’t help but smile too, elated by his compliments. 

She kept looking around the room when she noticed a group of small and medium sized stars forming an E above her door. She frowned, frustrated to not recognize this constellation.

“What is this one, Joel,” she asked, pointing towards it.

“That’s my favourite constellation over there.”

“Uh? I thought it was Ursa Major ‘cause you liked that it looked like a saucepan?”

“Yeah, well it’s my favourite in the sky, but here, it’s that one. That little E that always shines so bright and gives me a reason to wake up. I thought she deserves her place amongst the stars, like she always dreamed of,” he said, his voice going hoarse.

Ellie froze, overwhelmed by a surge of feelings she couldn’t begin to decipher. She was so glad for the dark, so that Joel couldn’t see the blush spreading over her face. Damn that old man and his ability to say those things to her, when all her love, all she had ever felt for him were lodged in her throat, choking her. She swallowed hard and grabbed his hands in hers, bringing them against her heart.

I love you.

“We should add a J next to it, if you have more stars,” she whispered. Afraid that if she spoke louder he’d hear the catch in her throat. “The E wouldn’t go far without the J, you know.”

“I don’t have any left, but I’ll move the stars for you tomorrow, then,” he said before kissing the top of her head once again. His lips lingered, she felt him inhale deeply before resting his cheek against her head.

They stayed quiet for a bit before she broke the silence. Her voice betraying her nerves despite her best efforts.

“I’m sorry for being a dick with you today. This, this is amazing Joel. I don’t deserve it…”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, even when you’re an annoying little brat,” he said, squeezing her hands. “ You deserve this, and so much more, kiddo.”

She hummed, unconvinced.

He planted another kiss on her head and settled deeper into the pillows, dragging her with him. She put her head on his shoulder, his left arm came to rest on her belly while he rested his cheek against her head, snuggling close. She let herself relax against him, eyes fixed on the shining stars above them.  

“Tell me again the story of Orion,” he said, pointing to the stars above them.

She started explaining how Orion was one the oldest known constellation. How, according to the myths, he was a hunter and said to be the most handsome of men. She told him of the different myths about his deeds and what surrounded him in the sky. The sisters he was pursuing according to one myth, or the scorpion that caused his death, placed opposite of him in the sky.

Joel listened carefully to the stories she had told him a dozen times already. He only hummed from time to time to show he was still listening and pointed to other stars he wanted to know about. 

They stayed like that for hours, until the light of the stars faded and both of them fell asleep, snuggling close. 

[magiczoeygoinginsane]

Aloe Vera

cw: dubious consent (rape), blood and drug use, dead dove, do not eat

this is not smut, this is an outlet to explore my own trauma

I kept asking myself why this place was so dark. It’s a party, are party’s supposed to be this dark? Maybe it makes it more mysterious,but i could still see random things around me, like furniture, people, the colorful, yet dim lights spread across the house, that wasn’t the only thing bothering me if i’m being honest

this music’s way too fucking loud 

yeah…that was bothering me too 

i could tell someone sat next to me on the couch to say that but i couldn’t quite tell who, I just saw her silhouette 

yeah…i’m so drunk….

that was the moment i realized the voice should’ve already clued me in, It was Jesse, from highschool “oh wow…remember highschool? God i hated highschool…I mean i still hate college but i can at least say things got better since i-” 

oh my God Alice…say something

i realized i was just monologuing in my head and panicked

oh- hi…sorry about that

you’re fine~

she giggled, and i was left to find something to talk about and keep the conversation going

uhhh…the people here…are kind of- 

i’m sorry, i know you don’t like parties

wha- 

i can tell you’re winging it, it’s alright

i felt terrible about it, i still wanted to be there, i didn’t want to disappoint Jesse, i shouldn’t disappoint Jesse 

no, i’m fine, this is a lot of fun

you’re…you’re sweating, Alice

oh shit! Wait, am I? 

yeah, you’re sweating, and you’re doing that thing with your hand you do when you’re anxious

I was really panicking by now, “she’s onto me, what if she has to leave because of me? Maybe I could just leave and she’d be fine on her own”

 hey! hey! it’s ok

she said, in the softest voice i could imagine coming out of her mouth 

this party sucks anyways, it’s cool 

she downed the cup she was holding in one go and threw it on the ground

i’m thinking of getting away from this party for a little bit too, do you wanna come with?

I hesitated a little but I agreed. She suddenly took me by the hand to led me across the house “wait,that’s a girl thing right? girls…do that…or like…things like that- i don’t know- oh my God i’m a girl! I love being a girl” she opened the door to a bedroom and gestured for me to walk in first

Oh! Thank you

Yeah, you’re welcome 

i walked in and looked around the room, the lights were off, i tried to turn them on but they were just as dim as any of the lights in that party.I noticed a few streaks of light, and realized there was a window being covered with some really cheap blinds, that left little gaps of light into the room. I was walking around the room while Alice closed the door,making the room even darker, that made me notice how dusty the air felt, it was extremely dry, irritating my nose a little, and that’s when i realized the room reeked of weed 

what the fuck?! 

she started uncontrollably laughing, every now and then stopping to catch a breath and start talking again

y’know- y’know when i said…haha….y’know when i said i was high?

we stared at each other in silence for a little bit

fuck! I mean drunk, I said I was drunk, not high! But I'm actually high!

the realization came over me and I bursted in laughter as well

did you get high in their bedroom?! 

fuck yeah i did! 

oh my God

our laughing became slower overtime and i sat down on the bed, looking down as i really took in what she just did

oh, that’s terrible…

I know…

she sat beside me and stared at me 

I need to get higher…

she grabbed an already rolled up joint from her pocket

What the fuck?! Don't! Also why did you just have that already rolled up?

I was saving it for you…Do you want it instead? 

No! We don't need any more smoke in this room 

she suddenly got up and lifted the blinds for a few seconds to throw the joint out the window, I would have said something but she already threw it so I figured there was no point.

She sat down by my side on the bed again and stared at me for a few seconds

We've known each other since…

First year of highschool I'm pretty sure-

Yeah we should've already had sex by now

My eyes suddenly bulged and I stopped looking at the floor to look back at her to make sure she was aware of what she just said

Yeah, you're cute enough we should've had sex by now…do you want to? 

Suddenly she wanted me to speak after dropping such a bomb of a sentence, I felt dazed, but also pressured to make a decision as quickly as possible

Sure!

Nice! Let's do it then 

Wait, don't we need to like, do something first? Like uhhhh…lubricant! Yeah we need lubricant…and I need to clean out or something

Yeah…ok I think I saw some aloe vera on the other side of the street, that works for lubricant, as for cleaning out…it's not really mandatory…? So I'll go get the plant and you can try to figure some way to clean out if you want 

she opened and closed the door as fast as she could so the smell of weed stayed inside, though she didn't really take any other precautions to make sure that it would.

I looked around the room, maybe if the room had a bathroom I could do something, but there wasn't, and I didn't want to leave the room because I was scared someone would see me leaving and start asking questions "yeah it's fine, I can just stay here, I don't need to clean out, she said it wasn't mandatory so it probably isn't- I mean she probably knows more about this than I do"

Suddenly she was back, she opened and closed the door as quickly as she had last time, but now, she had a piece of a plant in her hand, it looked like it was bleeding some green liquid from where she had ripped it

You know what aloe vera is right? 

Y-yeah

I sort of knew, I never heard of the plant but I assumed it was what she was holding, and that I would use that green liquid as a lubricant.

She gave me the plant and started taking off her clothes, without even a hint of teasing, way too quickly for me to process, so before I even took In the sight of her small beautiful breasts, her larger cock was already visible as well.

I quickly jumped off the bed to take off my own clothes and reciprocate her initiative, clumsily getting my neck stuck in my shirt and shaking in embarrassment to show my breasts and my penis which was clearly smaller.

She looked at me with a sort of thousand yard stare, I was scared of what she'd think of my body but I couldn't tell what she was thinking until she spoke again, but she didn't, instead she slowly walked towards me and pressed her dry lips against my mouth, giving me a taste of what she'd been smoking for the past hour.

She interrupted the kiss to push me onto the bed 

Now turn around

she said, suddenly sounding so much more sober and in control, I did as she said and she suddenly dropped her entire body on me, shaking the bed and making me shriek for a second from the sudden pain on my back.As she heard my shriek she suddenly stuck her fingers in my mouth

shhhh, nobody knows we’re here

her fingers tasted awful, they were the most bitter taste I had ever felt, I was disgusted. 

Suddenly I couldn't focus on how my mouth felt as the dry atmosphere that I felt before started being remedied by her spreading the green liquid on my entrance, it was equally disgusting, it felt cold and slimy, but she wouldn't stop spreading it, before spreading it on her own cock 

Oh! Wait…do you like fingers in your mouth? I just sort of assumed

she took the fingers out to give me room to speak

Uhhh…yeah…ok

i didn't know why I said that when I did, I realize now that, even though it didn't feel good, I wanted it to feel good so bad, I just had to keep going, maybe I'd enjoy it eventually, so she put those disgusting fingers in my mouth once again, the taste was repugnant and so was the dry texture, but i didn’t say a thing.

Then without any warning, she entered me, and all I felt was pain, but I couldn't yell, I could tell that even if her fingers weren't in my mouth i wouldn't have protested, this needed to feel good

I felt my eyes water as she explored my insides, sometimes coming close to pleasure but only leading to more pain, as she kept moving back and forth I could feel her fingers imitating the same movement inside my mouth, sometimes making me gag, causing my eyes to water even more, slightly irritated from the dry air in the room.

Suddenly she made me gag again “am I about to puke?” I asked myself as i felt this weird taste crawling up my throat, giving me another awful sensation to fixate on.

you’re so tight…

“This was supposed to feel good, I want it to feel good, she’s feeling good, maybe…am i doing something wrong?” I thought to myself before seeing a single red droplet fall on the bed. My nose was bleeding, I could taste the blood on her fingers, and instead of saying anything, I drank It, I let it drop on the bed, staining It just as much as it had stained my face.

For a few minutes this went on, and i felt lost in this sensory nightmare, i kept asking myself why i didn’t stop it, we weren’t even done and i regretted it, if i just told her i didn’t like it, it would be over, but it wasn’t my body anymore

I’m so close!

She yelled as she pumped it inside of me once more, I felt her liquid come out and mix itself with the lubricant, making me realize she didn’t even wear a condom. she pulled out and laid beside me on the bed, giggling to herself

oh my God, what a mess 

I stared at her, realizing the blood on my face had dried, leaving a sticky crystal layer in between my mouth and my nostrils

yeah, we should clean up 

She said in between her heavy breathing before getting up and slowly walking to the door.

i’ll go to the bathroom and get some tissues

She put her hands on the doorknob, before opening it she heard knocks on the door and jumped back

oh fuck!

Who's there?! Why'd you lock the door?! It’s my mom’s room man come on!

He kept banging on the door as Jesse quickly ran towards the window and opened it to climb the frame and jump off of it to the outside.

I kept staring at the door, trying to understand what had just happened, my childhood friend just climbed out of a window after all that she had done to me, and i had no choice but to follow her, so i dragged myself out of the bed, feeling the weird liquid stain my pants as i put them back on and climbed out of the window to meet with Jesse, who grabbed my hand again and guided me to her car so we could hide.

I sat in the passenger seat and looked up, still shaken. 

Oh my God! That was insane right?!

She said as she turned on her car and looked at me expecting a reaction

Like, in a cool way y’know? Oh my God!

She started driving away and i felt like i had to finally say something

It was my first time Jesse 

I immediately felt tears coming, i wasn’t crying, i felt the same as i was feeling before, but my throat was now closing in and my eyes were red 

Really?! You’re so lucky! First time with a childhood friend is some highschool musical kind of thing

Take me home…Please… 

Right, it’s on the way to my house, we should do this again sometime 

if you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available

visit https://hotline.rainn.org/online or call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to get in contact with RAINN, the national sexual assault hotline

next chapter:

[dk-wren]

Who Knows Best: Buddy Daddies pre-Episode 11 fic

Welcome to the second part of my dual fics inspired by the ep. 11 trailer. (At least in my time zone, I was able to post this before ep. 11 releases)

If you read the first fic (titled A Goodbye Present), then you might notice each fic starts out the same. (Overlapping text is in italics if you want to skip rereading it) I wanted these fics to sort of serve as two potential outcomes or realities: each follows several of the same starting points, then they branch into two different paths. Like what might happen in one universe and what might happen in a parallel one. Hope you enjoy this one!

Scenario B: Who Knows Best

3821 words

Kazuki had found a new place about a week ago, just a few blocks away. Over the past few days, he’d been packing up his belongings at the place he lived, and for a short time, truly considered home. Clothes, bedding, kitchen supplies, and the like, all packed now, awaiting to be moved to his new place.

Rei left the apartment for good before Kazuki found his new place. During their last conversation, Rei told Kazuki he had until the end of the month to move out. That’s when his lease would be up and both of their dreams of change, of happiness, of normalcy would be over. 

Rei was in his suit the night he left. He didn’t say where he was going or if he’d be back in the morning, only that their lease would end in a few weeks. Then, he walked out of the apartment. Rei didn’t say it, but Kazuki knew he was going to the Suwa mansion. However, Kazuki had just enough hope left to believe that maybe Rei would be back in the morning. When he didn’t, Kazuki understood what that meant and immediately went on to his laptop to try to find a place nearby he could live for at least the next little while. 

Kazuki spent a few nights in the quietude of having the apartment to himself during the day, while he was packing his things, and at night, when he tried to get some rest. He was just getting used to going to bed without tucking Miri in, or her running into his room during the late hours of the night because she had to pee or couldn’t find one of her plushies. But now, with Rei gone too, Kazuki had to adjust to no longer hearing Rei play his video games at night or the comforting click of the bathroom door, signaling to Kazuki that Rei would be getting some sleep that night. 

Turning the lock to the apartment’s front door, he entered the foyer taking off his shoes. He let out a soft, resigned laugh. “I almost said ‘Tadaima,’” Kazuki thought to himself. “But what’s really here to come back home to now. I guess force of habits are hard to break.” 

He stood now at the end of the hallway, looking at the living room, the kitchen, and out to the balcony. Since almost all the furniture and personal touches had been moved out, the place felt empty, and again, this quietness was strange to Kazuki. “It’s bittersweet. I don’t feel completely sad, there were good times here, especially with Miri. But I’m certainly not happy about how everything turned out. I think it’d be different, feel different if the three of us were moving out together. Somewhere at least Rei and I could have a fresh start…”

A shadow seemed to move behind the door to the bathroom. The door was more frosted, so Kazuki couldn’t exactly see into the bathroom. And the “shadow” was quick, almost imperceptible for Kazuki to even register. It was a cloudy day, with the wind just strong enough to make the clouds noticeably roll by, so maybe it was just light and shadows playing tricks. “Mmm, just my imagination. I’m not used to having this place completely to my self. Guess my memories are trying to fill the empty space.”

“Alright, time to get to work. If I can just focus, I should be able to move the last of my boxes out of here today. Then, it’s goodbye to this place and hello to unboxing everything at my place,” Kazuki thought.

Climbing up the stairs, Kazuki looked back towards the bathroom. Just darkness behind the glass door. He shook his head, truly believing his mind was getting the better of him. Before he entered his room, Kazuki poked his head into Miri’s old room. Most of her stuff had been boxed and delivered to Misaki's place, but a few more boxes remained as he found toys or clothing scattered throughout the rest of the apartment while packing up the place. Even the yellow painted walls, pink star curtains, or her brightly colored shelving did little to raise Kazuki’s spirits. Some of the larger furniture pieces, like Miri’s bed frame, would stay, but otherwise, her room felt emptier than usual too.

Kazuki stepped back out of Miri’s room and closed the door behind him, walking now to his room where a pile of boxes awaited transportation. Kazuki decided to carry all the boxes downstairs first, then little by little he took a few boxes at a time down to his car. After returning to the apartment once he took the last box down, he rechecked all the areas downstairs to make sure nothing was left behind, including the bathroom where he was met with a void of nothingness. No soft snore of Rei asleep in the tub, or Miri for that matter when she would sneak down to sleep with Papa Rei. Satisfied that everything had been properly taken care of downstairs, Kazuki went back up stairs for what he thought was going to be his last time.

He double checked his room first. It was completely empty, but he thought better safe than sorry to make sure nothing was left behind. He debated about checking Rei’s room since he had after all left with no suitcase or, it seemed, any belongings. “No, that’s his space. Even now, I won’t barge in. I don’t know what’s left in there, if anything, but it’s not my place to go check.”

Finally, Kazuki turned around, last room left to check was Miri’s. He knew he had the last few boxes to take down, but he had already planned on taking them down when he was headed out. He reentered Miri’s room for what was planned to be the last time. Kazuki couldn’t believe after the almost idyllic year Miri, Rei, and himself spent together, he was now standing in their daughter’s empty room, each heading off on their own path. 

Unlike his own room, Miri’s was not completely barren, so Kazuki double checked all the drawers, the nooks, the crannies, and the closest to make sure he had packed any remaining items. Kazuki opened up the top box, peered in, and saw the rabbit and alpaca mascot plushies Rei and him got Miri during their family trip to the zoo. Had it really only been a few months since that trip?

“I’m shocked Miri left these here. She used to carry them around all the time, one in each arm. Are these going to be too much of a reminder of Rei and I? Maybe I should hold on to them, keep them as my little reminder of our family. No, Kazuki, what are you thinking? You already have how many boxes at the new place and should I even have reminders of this time?”

Kazuki quickly put the rabbit and alpaca back into their spot in the box, retaped it and did the same for the rest of the boxes. All the boxes now properly secured, Kazuki picked them up and began making his way out of the apartment. Closing the door to Miri’s room behind him, as he did on so many nights after tucking her in. Down the stairs he walked every morning before Miri or Rei woke up, trying to remain quiet in the kitchen while cooking the family’s breakfast. He set the boxes down in the foyer as he put back on his shoes. Taking one last look around the apartment, Kazuki thought to himself, “This is really it, huh? Good bye, home.” Then, he walked out the door, locking it, perhaps to keep the memories of happier times in that apartment.

Since the few boxes with Miri’s belongings would be up front with him in the car, Kazuki decided he would swing by Misaki and Miri’s place before heading back to his. That way the boxes are easy to get to and that’s one less trip to this area. Kazuki safely put the few boxes on the passenger side floor, then walked around to the driver’s side. As he opened the door to the car, Kazuki also took one more look at the apartment complex. He let out a contented sigh, then got in the car, not looking back towards the complex as he drove away. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Good, Kazuki’s in the apartment today. Moving all the boxes and double checking each room, like his over-cautious self would, should take the majority of the day,” Rei thought to himself. Rei had been wandering the apartment to see what was left of their old life together (a.k.a. if Kazuki had any reason to come back to the apartment that day), when he heard the front door’s lock being turned. “Great,” Rei thought as he dashed into the first floor bathroom.

Now laying in the bathtub he had spent countless nights sleeping in, Rei would wait there until he knew Kazuki was out of the apartment, probably moving some of the boxes downstairs. Then, he would make a dash out of the apartment and towards Miri and Misaki’s place. Rei knew Ryo would go after the “easy” target first, meaning Rei’s priority was first ensuring Miri and her mother’s safety. If he could, then Rei would go after Kazuki to make sure Ryo doesn’t touch him either. 

While in the bathtub, Miri’s favorite bath toy, a bright, yellow duck was staring at him. Rei forgot he left her toy in the tub after sleeping with it on his last night in the apartment. “I’m surprised Kazuki has yet to pack her rubber duck. Has he really not made it to this bathroom yet? The rest of the house seemed packed, so that seems unlikely. But…?”

Laying silently and still on the bottom of the bathtub, Rei finally heard Kazuki reopen the front door. He had wondered what took Kazuki so long to leave the apartment this first time, and why he kept hearing him go up and down the stairs. Peeking his head ever so slightly above the edge of the tub, Rei saw a pile of boxes and no Kazuki. Rei wasn’t sure how long Kazuki would be gone this time, so he waited for his return to try and gauge how long Kazuki should be out of the apartment. Upon the next time Rei heard their front door open and close, he got out of the tub, prepared to make a mad dash out of their complex, but without alerting Kazuki. Rei knew he should’ve told Kazuki what was happening, but now was not the right time and he couldn’t figure out a safe way to alert Kazuki while at the Suwa manor.

Right before Rei grabbed the bathroom door’s handle, he turned around and quickly picked up Miri’s rubber duck. “Miri doesn’t deserve any of this. Maybe this duck will be enough to reassure her she’ll be fine and she’ll be safe. Hopefully it will at least be enough for her to forgive us for the past several weeks. At least a baby step forward. Something bright and happy to distract her from what’s going on at the moment.”

With the rubber ducky in one hand, Rei used his other hand to open the bathroom door. Not wanting to be too loud, he made sure the door clicked rather than slammed shut. Making his way across the barren apartment, excluding Kazuki’s stack of boxes near the front door, Rei quickly took one last look around. “This isn’t right. This is not how things were meant to go. It’s my job now to turn things around. I will make things right for our family.” And with that, Rei attempted to tuck the rubber duck into his suit’s inner pocket as he exited their apartment and dashed towards the stairs.

Rei knew where his next stop of the day would be. “Hang on, Miri. I’m coming for you. No one is going to hurt you.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite how emotionally exhausted Kazuki felt due to moving out the last of his belongings, saying good-bye to their apartment, and just the overall build-up of everything that had happened in the past several weeks, Kazuki made sure to have a smile and his happy face on. He made every effort he could to be his smiling self in her presence due to only being able to see Miri for a short period of time and unsure of when his next visit would be. It was a safety precaution for Miri’s well-being after all, and Kazuki was just grateful he was still able to see Miri after she went to live with her mother again.

The previous trips Kazuki made to the Unasaka home were during the weekdays, so Miri was at daycare. The first visit was tough, especially since Rei didn’t come out with him. This time though, Miri should be home since it was the weekend. With a little help from Misaki, Kazuki came up with some story as to why Miri would live with her mother again and why her papas would only be able to visit her occasionally if Miri were to ask. Something, something Kazuki had landed a comedy tour and would be traveling now, with Rei accompanying him. And even if Rei would never actually had the chance to visit her in the future, Kazuki would make sure Miri knew how much her papas loved her and missed her while they were apart.

Once Kazuki arrived at Miri and Masaki’s place, he put down the boxes and knocked. Kazuki wanted his arms free in the off chance Miri came running to give him a hug. He hadn’t seen Miri in several weeks though, so he had no idea how she would react to his sudden visit. Not wanting to assume she’d excitedly just come running to him, Kazuki thought better and went to pick up the boxes again, but not before knocking again. 

Still, nobody answered the door. Kazuki couldn’t even hear any movement or shuffling inside. He waited a few more moments and this time decided to try their doorbell. Pulling out his phone, Kazuki checked to make sure he had the right address and right time. Everything checked out, but technically, when Kazuki texted Misaki he was on his way over, she never responded. It was a simple text, just saying “on my way,” nothing to really even respond to. However, with no response and no noise inside their place, Kazuki was a little unnerved. Putting down the boxes once more, Kazuki tentatively reached out and tried the handle. “Unlocked? That seems a little reckless given the circumstances,” Kazuki thought to himself.

He pushed open the Unasaka’s front door a little more and peered in. Lights were on, but nothing seemed disturbed or out of place, just a missing mother and daughter. Seeing nothing of obvious concern, Kazuki brought the boxes into the family room one at a time. “Man, I really thought Misaki was gonna let me see Miri today. Guess she still doesn’t want me getting too involved. It’s probably better for Miri too, not having to question why I’m suddenly back, where Rei is, or why her one night sleepover turned into an extended stay with her mother. This is what I get for trying to keep my hopes up.”

After setting down the last box, Kazuki found a piece of paper and one of Miri’s markers that was laying on the floor. Not wanting to complicate things and overstay his welcome, Kazuki wrote a quick note saying this was the last of the boxes he needed to drop off and how much he loves Miri. No matter how much he missed her and yearned to see her again, given the “welcome” he received today, Kazuki knew he should not wait around for Miri and Misake to return from wherever they were. He picked up on Misaki’s message to him loud and clear.

“That’s a touching letter,” said a voice from behind Kazuki.

Eyes widened in fear, Kazuki instantly recognized the man’s voice. Somehow, Kazuki let his guard down while writing his note, giving Ryo Ogino just enough time to sneak up. Here was the man that Rei had warned Kazuki about. The man who collected his target’s last words, who would take out any target he was assigned. “No. The organization couldn’t have possibly put a target on a child, could they? Or was Misaki working with them all along and this was a set-up? I sensed something was off when I got here, how could I have been so careless to have not checked the rest of the place? Could Miri and Misaki still be here, in one of the other rooms, sho…NO! I can’t think that way. I need to stay level-headed for the sake of both of them.”

“Ah, you think so?” Kazuki said while turning up and around to face one of Shigeki’s favorite henchmen. “I never thought you were the sentimental type.”

“I have my own interests. Poetry for example. You know, a person’s dying words have a haunting beauty to them. But, the screams and pleas for mercy can be just as lyrical,” Ryo responded.

“I see,” said Kazuki. He slowly stood up now, feeling on edge but not exactly in life-threatening danger. Kazuki couldn’t see a visible weapon, which was good since it made him feel able to move somewhat freely, but he knew Ryo had something on him, whether that be a blade or a gun. Not wanting to dance around the question, Kazuki bluntly asked, “What did you do to Miri and Misaki?” He wanted an answer, no matter what it was, Kazuki had to know what had happened to his daughter, even if it meant compromising or revealing his emotions and attachment to Miri.

“Not here. That’s all I know. You’re buddy, Rei, was given the assignment to neutralize all his connections in this peasant world. I’m just here as reinforcement, being the boss’ pair of eyes, making sure he’s following orders. I was given the assignment first, but your partner must have been very eager to regain the boss’ trust and respect, you know. Practically begged for this assignment. However, because of his recent behavior, the most boss would allow is for Rei and I to be partners on this assignment, him as the leader, me as the assistant. It’s good to see Rei back in his prime. Being proactive and ensuring minimal outsiders are exposed to the organization’s work. Quite impressive indeed considering how long it’s been since he’s properly trained”

Both Kazuki and Ryo knew Rei, Miri, and Misaki were nowhere to be found. However, each man had a different reason/belief to explain the trio’s absence. Given Rei’s exposure to his own handiwork, Ryo believed Rei had taken Miri and Misaki somewhere secluded to neutralize them. Somewhere where the mother and daughter wouldn’t be found, and wouldn’t be heard if they attempted to scream for help. Ryo had some doubts, but ultimately was sure Rei would fold to the pressure and once again become the boss’ personal killing machine. On the other hand, despite being missing for the past week or so, Kazuki held out hope that Rei wouldn’t have regressed so quickly into becoming his father’s mindless soldier again. It’s been days since Kazuki had any contact with Rei, so Kazuki did not have a clear idea as to what exactly was happening. But he knew how much Rei grew as a person and attached to Miri within the past year they all spent together, causing Kazuki to put his trust in Rei and that his absence was because he was helping/protecting the Unasaka family.

Against his better judgment, Kazuki stared Ryo down and told him, “You may be close to the boss and therefore think you’re close to Rei, but I’m closer to him than you’ll ever be. You don’t know a thing about him. All you see Rei as is a weapon, a machine to carry out your dirty work. You know nothing about the person Rei has become because you wouldn’t give a damn. Oh wait, you would care if that meant he was no longer your perfect tool. You see Rei happy for once in his life, with someone worth protecting, and all you can think about is how can we break him back into being our obedient little servant. Well, let me tell you something-”

“That’s enough!” Ryo said, raising his voice for what might have been the first time in his life. At the same moment, Ryo swiftly pulled out a concealed gun and fired at Kazuki. The shot hit Kazuki’s shoulder. He grimaced at the pain, but Kazuki knew it was not fatal, at least not for the time being. Kazuki had no idea if Rei would return to the Unasaka’s home, and if he did when, so Kazuki tried his best to mentally prepare himself for a one-on-one fight with Ryo, which now seemed inevitable.

Wearing an eerie grin, Ryo said, “I might be the assistant on this assignment, but I have every right to neutralize a target if the opportunity arises. Did I forget to mention, you also have a target on you now too. This isn’t just about the child. It’s about the little family you three tried pretending was real. The organization cannot allow Rei to have any connections to outsiders or those who would bring shame to the Suwa bloodline. I’d hate to start our relationship on a bad note since Rei never gave me the order to kill you. But it would be my honor to record your last words and to take your life.”

“You’re gonna have to work a lot harder than that to hear my last words,” Kazuki said with abandon as he lunged for Ryo. Kazuki managed to land a few hits, his arm roaring in pain each time he swung it. “This might be it for me,” Kazuki thought to himself. “I know deep down Rei is fighting his own battle, so let me handle this one.”

After a few more punches were exchanged, Ryo finally managed to push Kazuki back against the Unasaka’s family room wall and aimed his gun at Kazuki’s forehead. “I’ve had enough of your shenanigans. Now, any final words you’d like me to record?” Ryo asked.

“Just two,” Kazuki said with a steadiness and determination that felt slightly out of place. Ryo noticed Kazuki was looking beyond him, perhaps as if Kazuki accepted his fate and was reflecting on his life’s memories. Slightly with an air of impatience at Kazuki’s attempt to prolong his death, Ryo continued, “And those would be?”

*click*

“Behind you,” Rei said as he pushed the barrel of his own gun against the back of Ryo’s head.

[ivy-loves-chocolate]

Body of a soldier (commission)

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♥ Note: It's a shameless smut and I hope you'll enjoy it. Just read the tags before. If you wish to commission/support me check my ko-fi page for details or DM me. Thank you!

♥ Story: Krauser and the OC have some fun in Wesker's hideout. The OC is a nurse and it's tasked to take care of the injured Krauser.

♥ Pair: Jack Krauser x F!OC

♥ Tags: rough sex, face-fucking, spit as lube, degradation, breath control play, knife play.

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞

Krauser arrived, in his wounded state, at the man who promised to heal him. It was difficult to reach his whereabouts since it was a secret location. He held on to his numb arm as he questioned his decisions. Defeated and angry, he knocked on the flat’s door.

A tall man with blond hair and bright blue eyes stood at the door entrance, dressed from head to toe in expensive clothes and accessories. He wore a black suit with a black vest and had a smartwatch on his left hand. Upon seeing the soldier, he introduced himself and welcomed the man inside.

Wesker gave him a quick tour. It was a modern penthouse, with an impressive view to the forest, equipped with the latest gadgets and the most expensive furniture. However, Krauser was not impressed and demanded to begin the healing process.

“Listen, I know you’re a rich man, don’t need to show off, but you promised you'd heal my arm. When exactly will that happen?” He was desperate, as Wesker was his last option.

"Oh, Mr. Krauser, have patience. Not only will I heal your arm, but I will transform you completely.”

“Right….” He said it with uncertainty in his voice.

“Seth, come here!” He yelled, and in a few seconds a young, slim woman appeared. She was of medium height and had short dark hair and aquamarine eyes. Krauser was skeptical because she appeared to be too young to be doing this kind of thing.

“Did you call for me, Mr. Wesker?” She said it in a firm tone, her eyes moving between the two men.

“Yes” he waved at the other man “this is Mr. Krauser, the man I was telling you about. As you can see, he is very wounded and requires our immediate help.”

Something was off with this Wesker guy, but he had no other place to go. He quit his job because he was no longer needed due to his injury, and there wasn’t a doctor in this world to fix his arm, so he went into the underworld to find a more, unethical cure.

“I see. Follow me, Mr. Krauser.”

Jack followed the significant smaller woman down some stairs and then in an elevator. Her heels clacked along the floor, and Wesker was right behind them.

Turns out the fancy penthouse not only has an incredible view and a jacuzzi, but it also has an underground lab that was equipped with the latest technology, more advanced than any hospital he went to.

“This is where we’ll begin your turning process.” Wesker added as he noticed Krauser’s amazed stare.

“I’m not a fan of the ‘turning’ word.”

“Always the charmer.” Wesker said, ignoring his concerns as he removed his coat and placed a medical apron around his waist.

"Seth, would you be kind and prepare the tools necessary?” “I already did.”

“That's why I keep you around.” He said it proudly.

Right when he was about to put on the latex gloves, his phone rang in his pocket.

“I have to take this. Seth start without me, I'll be back in a few.” he said, irritated, as he went to the elevator.

“Busy guy.” Krauser noted as he laid down on a chair.

“Well, one has to be in order to afford such nice and expensive equipment.”

“I guess.”

He watched as Seth put some latex gloves and removed a cap from a syringe. “Aren’t you a little too young?” He couldn't help but express his concerns.

“I’ve been told that a lot.” Her chuckles echoed through the room. “Do not worry, Mr. Krauser, everything is under control.”

Seth filled the syringe with a cream substance, and then he injected it into Krauser's arm.

Wesker never returned, and maybe I was better that way.

After 30 minutes in which they both waited for the serum to take effect, Krauser got bored and began to ramble on about how life is unfair and how he fucked up his last chance of getting healed.

"Oh, calm down, it usually takes up to an hour.”

“And what if I’m immune or some shit like that?”

“Wesker is a man of his word, if he said that he can cure you, then he can.”

Krauser was sitting with his legs spread in the chair and a hand on his forehead. His fingers rubbed his temples as he tried to calm down. Seth placed both her hands on his thighs, making Krauser flinch and look at her. His blue eyes met hers, which were filled with thirst.

He noticed that Wesker's assistant was giving him certain looks, but he thought it was only in his imagination, until now. Seth was overjoyed to feel his toned legs as her fingers gently squeezed his flesh.

“A body of a soldier, such body can be of good use for someone like me.”

“I-uhm, you mean like an experiment, or…?”

“Haha, no sweetie.” Her laugh filled the room, and soon she dropped to her knees. Krauser was too shocked to react, which allowed Seth to unbuckle his pants and slide a hand inside to massage his cock through his briefs.

He didn’t know what was going on, but he sure wasn't thinking about his arm anymore.

“Hmm, good soldier.” She said as she felt his cock growing in his briefs.

Krauser raised his hips a little so Seth could pull down his pants and briefs, thus setting his cock free. Her fingers quickly grabbed the half-hard member and began to stroke it gently so it could harden properly.

“Oh fuck.” he whispered under his breath as his big, calloused hand massaged her scalp.

Because of all this intense pleasure, Krauser wasn't aware of the fact that his arm started to get better. It was still numb, but he could move it now.

Seth pressed her lips over his tip so she could taste him. Before she put the member into her mouth, she spit on it and smeared it across the length. Then she began to take more and more of him. His cock slowly disappeared in her mouth, as her tongue twirled around the growing member. She bopped her head, and whenever she'd pull his cock out of her mouth, she'd spit on it once again as she loved Krauser's expression. As she took more and more of him, she looked up with her big, aquamarine eyes, expressing desire and passion.

It’s been long since Krauser was noticed by someone, and since he felt desired.

“Fuck it” he said as he stood up abruptly, his cock still in her hot mouth. One hand had a strong grip in her hair, and the other was behind her head, holding her in place. Then, he began to increase the pace suddenly, making it difficult for Seth to breathe.

His cock slammed in and out of her mouth, his balls were constantly slapping her chin, and his shaft was bruising her throat. Still, Seth enjoyed this roughness, and held onto his muscular thighs for support. Her nose would constantly hit his pubic area, inhaling his scent and increasing her desire for him.

“I bet you like this, don't you?" He asked as he saw Seth’s lustful gaze. She blinked twice as a “yes”.

“oh you filthy slut, I can tell that you're not a beginner.”

Her eyes were teary and her mascara was ruined, but despite her smeared make-up, she was constantly giving Krauser dirty and needy looks. Once her tongue began to twirl around his shaft, it never stopped until he pulled out.

Krauser pulled out slowly, and Seth could finally breathe. His cock left her lips while it was soaked in a mixture of his fluids and her saliva, and a small string connected her mouth and his tip. Some fluids were dripping down her chin, but she didn’t bother to wipe them as Krauser cupped her face so she could continue to look up at him.

“Seeing you look up at me makes me want to fill your throat until you choke,” he said as his fingers caressed her cheeks.

Upon hearing this, she nodded enthusiastically and moved her head forward so she could engulf his shaft again, but he stopped her before her lips even touched it.

“But I wanna ask you first. Where do you wanna be filled first? In your mouth or your tight little cunt?”

She might have fallen to the floor if she wasn't already on her knees. It was a rough and direct proposal, one that she enjoyed deeply, and her response came shortly.

“Inside me, sir.”

”Good choice,” he said as he lifted Seth and placed her on the chair.

She wore a short dress with a turtleneck, an outfit similar to Wesker's but very practical when it came to this sort of thing. It made Krauser wonder if they had an affair, but he couldn’t focus much on that thought since he was busy pulling down her panties while lifting her skirt.

“Hmmm,” he murmured as he kneeled and drew his face closer to her heated core. “You have such a beautiful pussy.” He said before thick saliva left his lips, making contact with her core.

“Thank you, Mr.Krauser.” She added. Two big thumbs then pressed gently on her flesh and spread that saliva across her cunt, mixing it with her juice.

Seth let out a sharp exhale upon feeling his thick fingers, and then she continued to let out soft moans. Krauser’s fingers found her clit and began to massage it, up and down and in circular motions, until she was a moaning mess. His free hand lifted her blouse so her breasts were exposed, and he began to squeeze them gently as his focus was on her core.

“Jack, I wanna feel you…” she said between heavy breaths.

“Oh yeah, you want me to fuck this pussy of yours?” He inserted his fingers inside, going at a slightly fast speed, as his big thumb kept stimulating her clit.

“Y-yes…”

“So, so tight…”

His fingers were so thick that they had already filled her up.

“I-I want….”

“I know, have patience."

Krauser stood up and aligned his cock at her entrance. To tease her, he gently massaged his tip up and down her wet slit, and Seth was quick to react.

“Please…” she said in a whiny voice.

“I like it when you get all needy," he said as he pushed the first inches of his cock inside her. The stretch made Seth's body turn into jelly, and she was nothing more than a doll in his arms. Still, she found some strength to grab his now healed hand and place it around her throat.

“Kinky bitch…”

Krauser didn't realize that at first, but when he felt something inside him that he thought was dead. It was the feeling of power, or control. He would tighten and loosen his grip around her neck, watching Seth gasp for air as her face would turn red, only for her to breathe normally, and then he would go again.

She enjoyed this control, and it made her so wet that now his cock slid in and out with ease.

“Don’t you, don’t you have a knife?” she asked in a choked voice.

He pulled his hand away and stopped for a second to grab his knife. Its big blade was now traveling along her body, starting from her thighs, going to her belly, and eventually reaching her neck.

“You’re talking about this knife?”

“Yes”

“You like being controlled and dominated, don’t you? You live for the thrill, and that's why you’re working for a man like Wesker. I could stab you, and yet instead of running, you keep your legs open like the whore you are.”

"You talk way too much.”

“I’ve been told,” he said as he pressed the blade lightly on her skin. Seth's breath became irregular because she couldn’t predict his next move. She knew Krauser wouldn’t kill her, but she didn’t know whether he'd make a small cut or just keep it there. His cock remained buried inside her all the time. “You are so small and fragile in my hands.”

“I-I know.” she said with a weak voice. She grabbed his forearms and thrust her hips a little to get some friction down there. He took the hint and continued, while the knife remained at her throat. Jack is an ex-military; he won't hurt Seth unless she asks.

With the knife still at her neck, he picked up the pace as he felt his own orgasm approaching. Towering over her like that, controlling her gave him some of his confidence back. Below him, Seth was getting louder and louder as she could feel her own orgasm approaching as well. She loved how Krauser handled her during the sex, as if she were a doll. She knew a man like him could give her what she wanted; that's why she provoked him, and given his state, she knew he wouldn’t say no.

“Krauser, I think I’m coming….”

“Do it, come for me." He threw the knife away and placed both hands on the head of the chair for support. His pace became irregular and his thrusts clumsy, but he still managed to reach her spot. With every thrust, he felt Seth contracting around his shaft, and with a deep and hard thrust, he released his load inside her.

The sudden warm sensation that flowed inside her made her cum as well, and now her cunt was milking all of what Krauser had to give.

Exhausted, he collapsed on top of her, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, his cocks still inside.

"Do you think Wesker came in?” Krauser asked.

“If he did, he might’ve stayed and watched.”

“What?" He suddenly got up and looked around the room while pulling up his pants.

“Relax” Seth giggled and stood up too. “He has no need to stay here when he can stay very comfortable in a chair in one of our surveillance rooms.” She said as she pointed out to the cameras. “He can masturbate easier that way too.”

Krauser looked at the cameras with a shocked expression. Seth, on the other hand, was busy fixing her appearance. She pulled down her skirt and shirt and put her heels back on as they fell to the ground while Krauser was pounding into her like an animal.

“You're kidding, right?"

“Of course I am. Wesker is weird, but he will never watch other people have sex without their consent. I’m not sure he's into that anyway.”

“What, sex?”

“Yeah"

"So, you two didn’t…”

Seth remained silent for a few seconds.

“N-no…"

“I'm sorry, it was weird to ask.”

“It's ok."

Seth ran some tests on his new arm, and after the positive results, they both went to tell Wesker that the serum was a success.

Wesker did in fact enter the room, but just as Seth said, he had no interest in watching. He instead went upstairs and worked on other shady things.

He didn't say a word, and told them that the situation he was called for would take more time to fix than anticipated.

[nik-knight]

Ineffable Catboys Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4: A Dulled Discovery

[WARNING: There are mentions of non-consensual body modification in this chapter, but it is not explicit. (Declawing)] *** The afternoon was dipping into evening when there was finally a knock at Anathema’s door. The witch quickly closed the journal on crystals she was writing in and put it aside to answer the door. 

Tracy stood there with a pastel-colored umbrella, looking as chipper as ever.

“Evening, dearie.” Tracy smiled and carefully closed her umbrella when Anathema invited her in.

“Thanks for showing up, Tracy, I know it was short notice.” Anathema led Tracy inside towards the small round table in the kitchen. She placed the kettle on the stove to prepare the tea, then grabbed a small tin of biscuits for the table. 

“Oh, it’s no trouble at all, dear. I got your message after I finished up at Shadwell’s, and I didn’t want to disturb the poor cats’ little date.”

Anathema joined her at the table, trying to figure out the best way to bring up her issue.

“I assumed you called to talk about dear Crowley, yes? It must be strange to have such a cat in your home if you’ve never had one before.”

Anathema nodded solemnly. 

“Yeah, a little bit.” Though she’d known a few friend’s cats growing up, she never had one in her own household. The most that she knew of them before taking Crowley in for fostering was that they slept most of the day and occasionally got stuck in trees. Now she was taking care of one of her own for a short amount of time, and had her hands full.

That was until last night, at least. Crowley had been a menace his whole first week here. He was grumpy and rude, and had no respect for Anathema’s furniture. She was able to get used to it pretty quickly, after all. After what Eve told her of the poor cat’s past, she couldn’t quite blame him for being a bit ill-tempered. However, last night, that all changed. Crowley became cautious, but less tetchy. He seemed like he was trying extra hard to be on his best behavior, but Anathema had no idea why. Frankly it had freaked her out. She had heard somewhere that a sudden change in a cat’s demeanor could be a sign of illness— A telltale way for a cat to show that they weren’t feeling well when they weren’t ready to outright say it. 

“Crowley’s actually been acting a little strange lately,” she began to tell Tracy. “It started last night after we left yours. He’s been more quiet and complaining less. He even ate all his food last night and cleaned his dishes. Then he went to bed early and didn’t say anything until earlier today when he wanted to take a walk outside.”

“You’re worried because Crowley is beginning to behave himself?” Tracy tilted her head curiously, as if this information was surprising. Anathema had told her a little bit about Crowley and his situation the previous night, so she was sure Tracy knew why this sudden change might be odd.

“Yes, it’s— well, just so sudden, you know? I was afraid something happened, that maybe something scared him or that he was trying to hide an injury or illness or something like that.”

Tracy gave a good-natured chuckle and shook her head. “Oh, no dear, I don’t think it’s anything like that. I’m sure dear Crowley is fine. Usually, behavior indicative of illness is lethargy, or if they stop eating.”    

Anathema huffed softly, feeling quite left in the dark. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because I’ve had a cat for quite a long time, dear. Aziraphale and I have known each other since I was a child. We’re essentially siblings in that regard.” Tracy seemed rather proud of this fact.

“Really? You’ve known him all your life? Did you get him at a shelter?” Although Anathema knew those two were close, she didn’t know they’d been together that long.

“Oh, not quite,” Tracy began to explain. “You see, back in the day ‘purebred houses’ were becoming quite popular. My dear parents thought it was a good idea to try and find their rambunctious little daughter a playmate there.”

“Wait, a purebred house? How’s that different from a shelter?” As far as Anathema knew, purebred cats were not a thing. They weren’t like dogs who had extensive breeds. Cats, at least the cats you’d see walking on two legs, were closer to humans than true felines like tigers or mountain lions. Their DNA was an impossible mix of both human and feline traits, mixed together in their own specific genome. Cats could only make offspring with other cats, and the same went for humans. It used to be very taboo for humans and cats to have romantic relationships, but nowadays they were usually on par with homosexual or non-traditional relationships as far as social acceptance. 

That being said, the idea of a “purebred” cat made no sense. 

“Well, they’re not quite as popular as they used to be, and that’s for good reason. But yes, they were very similar to shelters. I met my dear Aziraphale at a purebred house when I was about five years old, if I remember correctly…”

***

“Is this where I’m gonna get my kitten, mama?” Marjorie (who would later go by her preferred name, Tracy) asked her mother. They had entered a very fancy building with big light fixtures and ornate furnishings. Though her own home was very nice, this place looked like the large mansions they had on the cover of magazines. 

“Yes, dear. We’re going to go in and see what kittens they have available, and you can pick out one to be your playmate.”

Marjorie walked a little faster. She was excited to finally have a new playmate. There weren’t a lot of kids in her neighborhood, and her parents often talked to each other about how much less trouble she would get in if she just had someone to keep her entertained and keep an eye on her during the day. She had driven more than one nanny away with her endless energy, and they eventually decided that someone more her age would be better at keeping their little rascal busy.

Marjorie didn’t care about the reasons. She was just happy to finally have a friend. She gripped onto the straps of her backpack, and skipped along into the entrance of the purebred house with her mother and father. 

Once inside, a wealthily dressed woman spoke to her parents, promoting all the well-trained cats they had available for assignment. They talked about all the different age groups and the various skills the cats had been taught that may interest them. Marjorie quickly grew tired of all the talk and wanted to see a kitten already. 

“Muuuum! When do I get to see the kitties?”

“Oh, what a lively little girl,” cooed the purebred house worker. “Why don’t you go through that door over there on the left? There’s a kitten in there that may catch your eye. If you don’t like him, just let us know. We’ll have him corrected, and you can browse some other kittens until you find one that you like.”

Marjorie wouldn’t have been able to tell you why she didn’t like this lady, but she knew she didn’t want to spend anymore time in the same room as her. Taking her way out, she let go of her mother’s hand and ran into the room the lady had pointed at. 

The room wasn’t very big, but it looked cozy. There was a small bed in one corner, a dresser on the other side, and a small bookcase near the window at the back. And over there sitting on the windowsill, holding onto an open book, was a little boy.

A catboy!  

He was looking up from his book at her with big greenish-blue eyes. His hair and fur were a fluffy cream color, and he was even dressed in little suspenders and a bowtie.

What an adorable little kitty-cat!

“Hi!” Marjorie called out to him as she ran to him.

The kitten took a sharp gasp, and his ears went flat. He quickly shut his book and placed it onto the windowsill before hopping off of it to stand. He stood up straight with his hands placed demurely behind his back before giving her a short bow. “H-hello, madame…” He said shyly, barely lifting his head up to look at her once she was in front of him.

“I’m Marjorie!” He sounded a little like how the lady outside was talking, all proper and fancy like. It was okay coming from the catboy, though, because he was cute and was wearing a little bowtie. “What’s your name?”

“I-I am Aziraphale…” He nodded curtly again. “It’s a pleasure to meet your acquaintance, madame…” 

She didn’t know why he kept calling her “madame,” but she did like the way it sounded.

“Azra-who?” She hardly caught his name, and it sounded kind of hard to say. “That’s a funny name. Sounds kinda weird.”

The kitten looked uncomfortable, but he simply nodded.

“W-well, my assigned humans h-have the right to re-name me upon assignment. S-so I could be given another name…”

“Why would you need another name if you already have one?” Marjorie was confused, but she wouldn’t let that deter her from having a new playmate. “Just tell me how to say it.”

“Az-i-ra-phale. I know it’s hard to say, but all the other angel names were given to my siblings…”

“Ahh-zeee-rahh-fell?” She tried, holding onto all the vowel sounds as loud as she could. She laughed when he nodded at her, saying she got it right. “Aziraphale! Aziraphale! Hehe! Hey, do you wanna play with me?”

Aziraphale gulped, but nodded. “Of course, as you wish.”

“Okay!” Here, Marjorie turned around and pulled her bag off of her shoulders to dig around inside of it. She wasn’t able to see Aziraphale’s ears fold back in fear nor his hands come forwards from behind his back. She dug around until she found her teddy bear. She thought he might like it since it was soft and fluffy like him. As soon as she grabbed it, she spun around and shoved it in front of him. “TA-DA!— Hey, what’s wrong?”

The kitten leapt away when she spun around. Faster than she could react, he curled himself up into a ball on the ground, covering his head with his hands.

“Aziraphale…?” She asked a little softer. She didn’t know what was wrong, but she did know that he looked really scared. “It’s okay, nothing’s gonna hurt you…” She crouched down beside him, careful not to touch him.

The kitten whimpered softly from where he was curled up, but didn’t make any move to shuffle away. After a few minutes of the two of them just sitting there, he slowly stopped shaking and eventually peeked up from where he was hiding to look up at the little girl.

“I’m sorry if I scared you,” Marjorie said softly to him. “Are you okay?” She was relieved when he slowly nodded. Marjorie knew that this catboy was probably just really shy, so she slowly lifted her hand and asked first. “Can I pet you? You look really soft.”

Aziraphale nodded his head again and let Marjorie slowly stroke his head between his ears. 

Several more minutes later, he seemed to finally relax.

A few more minutes after that, the catboy fell asleep next to her, purring very softly.

The door to the room opened.

“Marjorie, dear? Are you in here? Are you ready to see some other cats—”

“Shhh!” She shushed her mother. “He’s sleeping!” She whisper-yelled. 

“But dear,” Her mother replied, albeit softer this time. “Don’t you want to see the other cats?”

Marjorie shook her head. “No, I like this one.”

***

“Wow.” Anathema was pretty shocked by the story. She knew Aziraphale was a bit soft-spoken, but she never knew he was that timid from the beginning. “That’s pretty amazing, but… what does any of this have to do with Crowley?”

“See, I’ve learned a thing or two about cats over the years, dear. I did quite a bit of research in my grade school days to better understand my companion. And one thing I found interesting was the concept of bonding.”

“Like how you and Aziraphale bonded early on?”

Tracy shook her head. 

“No, no, between cats. You see, it usually happens in shelters, but it can actually happen with any two cats at any time and at any age. Bonded pairs of cats are usually only to be adopted together and shouldn’t be separated.”

“Okay…” Anathema still wasn’t sure where this was going. “What happens if they’re separated?”

“Oh, the poor dears go into depression if they’re separated from their bonded mate. They often stop eating, speak less, and stay asleep for longer. That’s why shelters try to adopt them out together. Although I’ve never yet seen it myself, I’ve heard it is onset pretty quickly, often happening without either cat knowing.”

“You’re saying Crowley’s bonded with someone?” Anathema blinked. “But he’s been gone from the shelter for a week already. And now he suddenly started eating…”

Tracy chuckled softly and nodded. “Yes, dear, but I don’t think he was bonded with someone at his shelter. I think he recently bonded with someone, and is doing his best to try and stay around his bonded mate.”

“You mean…” Anathema felt like her jaw was going to collide with the ground out of shock. 

Tracy nodded again. “To be fair, dear, I’ve never seen my dear Aziraphale so excited either. He was practically purring all night last night, and that’s not a common occurrence. He seemed very taken with the handsome black cat.” 

“But— but why would that make him act so strangely now? He started behaving as well. What does that have to do with him bonding with Aziraphale?”

“Oh, Anathema, dear. Though I’m sure he could only tell you for sure, I have a theory. He had nothing to lose before by being ill-tempered, but now? Well now I’m sure he’s trying to gain your favor. I think he may be trying to find anyway he can to stay in Tadfield. To stay near Aziraphale.”

***

The cocoa had certainly helped warm him up. With his fur and hair toweled dry and one of Aziraphale’s soft tartan blankets wrapped comfortably around him, the final vestiges of discomfort slipped away under the gentle sounds of rain outside. Crowley took the last sip of his cocoa and placed the empty mug on the side table. 

He looked up when he felt Aziraphale’s hand rest on his knee. Crowley had received more friendly touches today than he could ever remember over his lifetime (the ones from his last ‘companion’ notwithstanding). He wasn’t sure why Aziraphale was touching him so much, and he also wasn’t sure why he was allowing himself to be touched. He usually ended up biting anyone who tried to pet him, but Aziraphale… Well, he just couldn’t help himself. The affection from the angel-cat made his gut feel fluttery and his head spin a bit.

“I do hope you’re sufficiently warmed now, dear?” Aziraphale asked with a cute little tilt to his head. 

“Yeah, I am. Thanks, angel.” Crowley could feel his heart pick up speed when Aziraphale gave him a little happy wiggle.

“Oh, good! You know, I never thought I might enjoy ‘angel’ as a nickname considering the naming scheme my siblings and I had, but I cannot deny how wonderful it sounds coming from you.”

Siblings? That was odd. Unlike their more wild feline relatives (such as tigers, mountain lions, pumas, cheetahs, etc.), cats like them were not born in litters. Sure, there was the occasional set of twins or triplets, but most cats were born one at a time. And then, unless the parents and the parents’ humans wanted to keep the kitten, they were often sent to cat homes and shelters to find their own humans. It wasn’t common for a set of cats to have multiple kittens together just to have them sent to a shelter.

“Though I did have one question, dear.” Aziraphale interrupted Crowley’s thoughts with his query. “Whatever were you doing outside in the rain? I know the storm caught you by surprise, but you were quite a way from Jasmine cottage.”

“Oh.” Crowley had to backtrack his thoughts to try and remember what he was doing in the first place, but was only able to remember he wanted to see Aziraphale and maybe share his treat with him. That was it! His squeezy treat! “Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!” Crowley reached into his pocket to fetch the tube. He held it up so that Aziraphale could see it.

“Oh? What’s that?” Aziraphale leaned in closer to inspect it, giving little experimental sniffs to try to determine the object’s purpose. Crowley inwardly squealed when Aziraphale’s whiskers twitched with every sniff.

“What do you mean?” It was Crowley’s turn to be confused now. Maybe Aziraphale didn’t hang around other cats that often, but he at least had to know what a squeezy treat was. “It’s a squeezy treat. Anathema gave this one to me this morning. I came over to share it with you.”

“Oh, my dear, that's so thoughtful!” Aziraphale looked at Crowley with such fondness, and that was nice, but he really shouldn’t be saying things like that to Crowley.

“Bah— nuh— shaddap, no I’m not.” He ignored the heat flushing his face and pushed the treat into Aziraphale’s hands. “Here just take the damned thing,” he said, putting on his best grumpy pout to vociferate the indignity of being called ‘thoughtful.’      

“You most certainly are.” Aziraphale smiled at him and took the tube. He turned it around in his hands a few times, and a perplexed look appeared on his face. “‘Tuna flavored squeezy cat treat,’” he read from the label. “I do like tuna, though I usually just get it on my sushi. I’ve never had something like this before.”

“You’ve never had a squeezy treat?!” Crowley gaped at the angel cat in disbelief. 

“No, erm, I don’t actually partake in cat-specific foods. I’ve only ever really had human food.” He looked to the side, away from Crowley. The cute pink blush that was crawling up his neck would have been cute if he didn’t look so… embarrassed?

“Really? Not even for treats? Not even catnip?” Crowley wouldn’t mention that he didn’t partake in catnip himself all that often anymore. He hardly ever felt safe enough to let down his guard to even enjoy it. Though he wouldn’t mind sharing some with Aziraphale.

“I, er, I have enjoyed catnip once or twice before, but state of yourself during! It isn’t quite becoming of me to indulge…” Even as he said this, Crowley could tell Aziraphale liked catnip. He just seemed to deny himself of it for some reason. Unbecoming? He’s a cat. They’re expected to lounge around all day and enjoy themselves.

“Well, go on then.” Crowley waved his hand at the squeezy treat in Aziraphale’s hands. “Try it.”

“Erm…” He turned the treat back and forth, seeming to figure out how to open it.

“Just use your claws and slice the top end of it open. Then you can just squeeze the other end and lap up the treat when it comes out.”

Aziraphale froze.

Suddenly the rising blush had disappeared, his entire countenance becoming white like a sheet.

“Aziraphale?” What happened? Was it something Crowley said? “Aziraphale, are you all right?”

The fluffy cat’s hands began to tremble. Aziraphale suddenly dropped the unopened treat to the floor and covered his face with his hands. His legs pulled up close against his chest, and his ears quickly folded straight back. His tail wrapped itself tightly around him, effectively turning him to a large cream-colored ball of stress. 

“Aziraphale? Aziraphale!” Crowley leaned forward, trying to get the other cat to look at him, but he wouldn’t budge. On one hand, he didn’t want to push Aziraphale, but on the other, he was getting really worried. Aziraphale wasn’t allergic to the squeezy treat, was he? 

Carefully and slowly so that he could stop if Aziraphale resisted, he gently took Aziraphale’s hands in his, pulling them away from the angel-cat’s face to get a better look at him. Though the bottom half of Aziraphale’s face was still buried in his knees, those big green eyes were gazing at Crowley’s. They were watery, and looked ready to cry.

“It’s okay, Aziraphale. There’s nothing to worry about. And even if there is, I can help, I can—”

Crowley’s eyes widened. He was looking down at the soft, plump, beautiful hands pressed in his own thin ones. They were beautiful just like the rest of the angel-cat, but there was something off about them.

They almost looked like human hands.

Crowley’s own fingers, like most cats’ fingers, had two sets of nails: the normal set that looked just like a human’s, and the cat set, which sat right under the normal set. There was a small slit opening under the tips of the nails where a cat’s retractable claws could jut out, making the tips of their fingers appear longer with pointed ends. 

Aziraphale’s fingertips looked different. The slitted ends were nowhere to be seen, and the area where they would have been were covered in skin that was ever-so-slightly discolored from the skin around it, as if there were wounds that were scarred over.

“Oh.”

Crowley felt like he was going to be sick.

Aziraphale had been declawed.

I loved ur catboys on twitter and it’s Very Valid and Understandable that u dropped their comics bc of tendonitis but I just wanna say if u ever get any inspo for them again 👀 I would very much enjoy seeing more 👀 even if it’s just silly lil scribbles and doodles 👀

This is all i have about them rn 😭

I have lots of inspo but very little motivation to do anything w them

Here's a twitter post where i answer some questions about them though

Some things have changed since then but most of it holds up :D

[dearestm0th3r]

When the moon became an eye

Continued

I woke up at 6:57 PM, and I had fallen asleep on the couch. I looked out the window to see if it was still snowing, it had stopped. I yawned and got up checking my email to see if there was school tomorrow. I had a lot of text messages but that hadn’t worried me as seeing if I was even going to school the next day mattered more to me, I opened my email and it read

“Dear Families,

Due to the strange

actions occurring

in the past hours

we have canceled

school until further notice….”

Blah blah blah, as I expected there was no school tomorrow; I opened my messages just to see if Lily and Elise made it safely home. Skimming my messages, they had made it home just fine; Thank god. I cooked dinner for me and my mother as if nothing had occurred earlier that day, making some chicken noodle soup since it was freezing inside the house as well as outside with all the snow that had piled up over the churning hours of the eerie snow falling from the sky. After I had poured the soup into a bowl for my mother, I knocked on her door and I walked in with her dinner, “Hey ‘ma I know you’re probably freezing so I made us some soup..” I said smiling at her being awake. I grabbed her a bed tray to eat her food, “Thank you dearest, I’m sure it tastes delicious. Have you noticed how cold it has gotten?” She asked, I looked at her strangely because I had already mentioned that. She’s already experiencing alzheimers.. It made me sad to realize one day she might forget who I am; “Yes ‘ma, I wouldn’t worry about it though, I’ll bring you some extra blankets for tonight, let me take the trash out first.” I nodded to her and walked out to get things done, as I was walking out I closed the door behind me and went to take the trash out before I grabbed her blankets. I went into the kitchen to grab the trash bag and I threw it over my shoulder. I walked towards the door; I unlocked the door to go outside and walked out. It was pitch black outside, wasn’t it only 7 PM though..? It was way too early for it to be midnight black outside, I felt as if I stepped into a whole different dimension.. The streetlamps weren’t on? They trigger automatically on our street as soon as they sense it’s getting dark outside. I tried using my flashlight on my phone, but my phone didn’t turn on? I don’t remember turning it off, maybe it had died? I walked down the driveway shoeless, no light outside, dead silence. But, then I hear it.

SQUISH

Where did that sound come from? I looked around for what could have made that sound… I continued walking down the driveway, I made it to the end and put the bag in the trash.

SQUISH

Now I was freaking out. I looked around again, looking for any possible thing, even something on the driveway? Nothing.

SQUISH

I looked up.

Could I be dreaming? This is a joke of course!

SQUISH

Where the moon should have been; there was an eye. The size of a… of a what? IT WAS HUMONGOUS, that’s where the sound was coming from, everytime it blinked, it made that ‘squish’. I ran, I ran fast, this is just a dream. I ran back into my only safe haven, I ran into the house; I locked the door, I put furniture in front of the door. What is happening to the world.. I ran to my mother’s room because we needed to get out of here. I bursted into her room, she wasn’t in her bed. Her room had looked like nobody ever even laid in that bed, it was neatly made and nobody was in it. The soup I had made for her wasn’t even there, I looked around the room. I looked in the closet, nothing, under the bed, nothing, outside the window, nothing, on the bed, there were 2 bulges under the covers. I ripped off the covers in hopes of some clue on where my only hope had gone yet, I was deceived. All that was discovered under the covers was the most gut-wrenching thing and impossible thing I never would have thought I could have found, it was a pair of eyes. Her eyes, they look like they were ripped out. Her beautiful golden eyes, ripped out from her skull probably, all that was attached was the optic nerve; the bloodied strings that laid beyond her eyes. I ran out of the room, “This isn’t happening, this ISN’T happening..” I screamed loudly to myself. I was gonna be sick, I ran to the bathroom and threw up; this is all just a lie. Obviously none of this could have happened, it’s just a sick prank of course. I forced myself to stop throwing up, maybe I can just call someone… Wait, my phone is dead. This is sick, this is all so sick, it’s just a big prank; I’m gonna scream at everyone when this is over. Please just be over already.. Maybe I can walk around and find help… but what about that eye outside? It didn’t seem bothered that I was outside. Let me just be quick.. I ran out the back door since I had blocked the front, I ran around to the front door of a neighbors house.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

Over and over I knocked, nobody answered.

I tried 5 more houses. But nobody had ever gotten the door? Where did everyone go? Is this why half of the people at school weren’t here today? Was Vanessa right all along? When is it my turn? Just take me already, I don’t want to live in a world without my mother. That EYE. It was staring at me, directly at me. It disturbed me, it didn’t blink, it did nothing but stare. Cold and eerie, is the only way I could describe it, that feeling of chills running down my spine happened. What is it? What happened to the moon? The eye continued staring at me, then..

BLINK, that squishy fleshy sound happened.

After that I blinked.

Something hot was running down my face.

Blood.

It ran down my face, burning; it was coming from my eyes. Is this what my life has come to? Is this really the end? Have my years on this earth meant nothing to god? Where is god? Is this what we truly believe in when he is not here to help us? There were still so many questions unanswered, I couldn’t control my body any more. I had found out what happened to the rest of the world, they had ended up becoming nothing; just how non-believers expect the end of a human life to be. Just more gruesome. I don’t know what happened to my body, all I know is that I was the next victim of the eye that floated over what people had called home for billions of years.

This was the end, we were the end of what could’ve been more.

END

3/3

[nei-ning]

I’ve been having weird / disturbing dreams recently. I don’t know are they because of my wild imagination, stress / worry / fear, upcoming periods, I have eaten too much things which I shouldn’t, the bedroom is too hot to sleep in, Verti (cat) keeps waking me up constantly, does it all have something to do with moon (because when full moon is coming, I have difficulties to sleep) or what?

But about the dreams. The other night’s dream was long and so disturbing that I won’t be writing it down. I think it’s stress / worry / fear based. But last night’s dream was... better in a way.

Long dream short: There was 2 women, mother and adult daughter. I don’t remember why but I was going to go meet them, maybe bring them something they had lost and I found it. My father was suspicious about them and their place since they lived on clouds - or maybe it’s better to say between heaven and sky. Anyway!

I told my dad to come along if he wanted to. In the dream I REMEMBERED clearly that I have seen this dream before, that I have visit these 2 women before DECADES ago! I even told my dad:

“They live on clouds. Their whole floor is just endless cloud, going as far as eyes can see. There’s no walls, everything is pearl white, and all furniture they have sticks out on the clouds. It’s beautiful. Come see yourself.”

So he did. We walked to elevator door and I searched their name on the list. I noticed that first letter from their name had been ripped off. Instead of Hanet (or something similar), there was now only Anet. I pressed the bell button and the elevator came down, having thin and calm looking man in a suit inside. He would take us up.

He did and when we stepped out from the elevator, we instantly came in this living room area but it was nothing like before. A renovation had been done there, mostly against these women’s will, and now there was a ceiling and dark gray “bunker” walls. At the ceiling’s edges, all around the room, were small lights which brought soft heavenly light which was nice. The floor was still the same cloud it had always been. They had a black game table (like snooker) right across the elevator and behind the table was black bookshelf to separate living room from this tiny hallway and 2 stairs, having 2 small beds for kids there.

I looked around in slight confusion. I didn’t know or understand how that heavenly place had been turned into this. It wasn’t bad or ugly, no! It was quite nice and comfortable (after you got over the shock) but still, it had lost most of that open and lovely Heavenly vibes and light.

I chatted a bit with the oldest woman, then going around the room, coming to that small hallway and stairs behind the bookshelf. I went to sit on one of the small beds and, without even noticing, I laid down as I talked with those 2 children. All of the sudden I realized that I was laying in their bed so I laughed a bit, saying: “Oh my! In who’s bed I’m laying at?”

Bigger girl, maybe early teen, pointed her little brother, maybe 6 at most, saying I was in his bed. I apologized as I got up, stating I had warm the bed up for him already.

I wish there would had been more but I woke up, thanks to Verti - once again. But, since I remembered the family name, Anet, I googled it since if I see or hear a name or number(s) in a dream IT IS A SIGN. Always.

Let me tell you, I laughed with joy when I found out what Anet means: “Anet is a feminine name of French and Hebrew origin to help baby keep their charming, thoughtful spirit. Coming from the Hebrew name Anna, it translates to “He (God) has favored me,” making it a short, sweet way for you and baby to celebrate your faith.”

Anet also means: “grace”, “favor” and “merciful”, “gracious”.

[awrkive]

[ THE LOVE PROGNOSIS FINALE, CONT. + EPILOGUE ]

It feels like you’ve been hit by a ton of bricks when you wake up.

Again. 

“Shit,” you hiss the moment you gain consciousness by the second, an earthquake happening inside your head. “Oh my god.” 

You rub at your eyes, stretching your neck to ease some cramps, and that’s when you notice it; the familiar paint on the walls, the familiar scent of the room, the sheets, and the furniture. 

You’re in your room. 

Why are you in your room? 

It shouldn’t be a big deal — but the thing is that you’re pretty sure you slept in Jungkook’s room. You laid on the bed together cuddling and you slept with your heart free of baggage. 

You thought you’re finally okay. 

So why aren’t you in his room? Why isn’t he with you? 

You grab your phone off your nightstand, only to see that there’s a tablet of Advil on it, a water bottle and a note. You take the piece of paper, reading: Don’t oversleep. You have a shift at 5pm. Take an advil cos you’re gonna have a headache. Good morning/afternoon :) — JAYKAY

You seethe. He really has the audacity to act all nice before leaving you completely? What the actual fuck! You’re so mad that you start crying as you check the time, only to see that it’s 3:25 in the afternoon now, meaning Jungkook must be on his way to his new apartment. 

How can he do this to you? You thought you’re okay! You were more than okay last night! How can he just up and leave you like this? 

Walking out of your room, you knock on Jungkook’s door to see if he’s still there. When nobody answers, you try to twist the knob but his room’s locked. 

You open your phone in panic to send him a text.

And two. 

You [3:27pm]: where are you?

You [3:27pm]: are you serious right now?

You look at the door of your apartment and decide to just fuck it. Maybe he’s still outside of the complex at this point? You have no damn idea but you go for it – in your pajamas with your mussed hair – rushing to the elevator. 

But when you press the button, time only ticks. And your patience slowly runs out. 

You head to the direction of the stairs and decide to take it instead. You thank your occasional morning runs because you were able to go from the sixth floor to the ground floor without passing out on one of the landings. 

As you step on the sidewalk, you notice it’s too dark outside for it to be only 3 pm. But as you check your phone again, you realize the weather is gloomy because it’s about to rain. Well, shit. There goes your luck.

Looking around, you don’t even feel the least bit conscious for being outside in your pajamas while you are surrounded by people with their corporate attires, their cute casual fits, hair and make-up done – all you care about is spotting Jungkook’s stupid big head.

You walk around until you reach the street nearby where you know he parks his car, and soon enough, you see Jungkook ducking over his – in his scrubs – carrying a huge bag. 

“Jungkook!” He sees you shortly. He looks surprised when he registers it’s you, but just as he opens his mouth, you exclaim, “I hate you!” You can see the confusion on his face as you walk towards him. 

“What’s—”

“You know what I think?” You snap. “I think you’re a pussy. Doyeon is right. You’re a pussy. You’re a coward, you’re chicken.” You say, biting your lip to prevent the sob attempting to break out of you.

“What do—” 

You point to his chest, and you hate that it doesn’t move him. “So what, you tell me you love me one day and I act confused because I am confused and then you run away? You told me all those things last night and you’re still leaving me?!” 

Jungkook steps closer to you and tries to touch you, but you keep your distance and continue, “I like you! Is that not clear enough?! I told you I want you in any way! I want you in my life! You don’t get to leave me after you said you love me, that’s just contradictory! Are you playing with my feelings? Because that’s just low!” 

Jungkook looks so incredulous that he quickly says, “What? No! I’m not playing with you!” 

“Then why are you still moving–” 

You don’t get to finish your words when the rain suddenly starts pouring.

Hard. 

“Shit,” Jungkook hisses. “Hey, let’s get back inside.”

You give him a glare that you hope he sees even through the harsh pour. “No, I’m not done.” 

“We can talk about it inside, okay? In my car or something – I just don’t want you to get sick—” 

“No!” You say, effectively cutting him off. You’re getting soaked now, and you’re starting to notice people scrambling in the background, in a rush to seek a dry place, but you and Jungkook are glued across his car while you cry in front of him. You’re grateful for the rain because at least it makes it all less pathetic. “Do you really love me? Or you just lied to me?” 

“Of course I do, why would I lie about that?! What I said back at villa and what I said last night was all true!” Jungkook shouts because the rain is too hard.

“Then why are you still moving out?!” You finally ask, sobbing uncontrollably. “I told you! I like you! I want to be your girlfriend, any way you’ll have me, I don’t care! I just want you! I can’t — I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re so special to me and you just… you just want to leave? You’re just gonna leave me like Jaehyun and Eunwoo—” 

“Don’t you dare say that,” Jungkook steps closer to you, finally taking hold of your wrist but his grip is not painful, just enough to wrap an arm around your waist and hear him as he says, “Don’t compare me to those guys. I have never left you in the past eight years and I don’t have any intentions in doing that – unless you want me to.” 

You sniffle. “You did leave me, though. This morning… you left. You left me alone in my room. I was so scared – I thought you left. I thought you drove off to your new place and I thought — I thought—” 

“Baby,” The nickname feels so heavy. It’s not the first time Jungkook’s called you that. You think he doesn’t necessarily pay it much mind, because he usually only calls you that name when you’re distressed. You’ve always liked how it rolls off his tongue, though. It sounds so perfect. And as he pulls you into him, hugging you while the rain continues to soak the both of you, you cry in the junction between his shoulder and neck. “I know, I know. I had to go to work. I just finished my shift. I canceled the move because I’m not leaving our place anymore.” 

You quickly look at him. “You’re not?” 

Jungkook nods, smiling at you. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding.” 

You look behind him, at his car door. Where you saw him placing that bag inside. “Then why the huge bag?” 

“Because I bring a shit ton of stuff to work. Come on, you know that.” Jungkook chuckles, fixing your wet hair so it doesn’t frame your face. When you don’t say anything, he tries again, “__, that was my backpack for work.” 

You knit your brows. “That wasn’t your backpack for work.” 

“I bought a new one last week.” 

“Oh.” 

All that panicking…

Oh, well, now you feel stupid. 

“Hm?” Jungkook looks at you with a smile.

“Sorry.” 

“Do you still hate me?” He says in a teasing tone. 

“Jungkook,” you whine. “I’m really sorry… I just. I just panicked, okay?” 

“I’m sorry then, for making you feel that way. I carried you to your room because I know you hate how it’s too hot in the mornings in mine.” 

Well, yeah… that is true. 

You shy away from his gaze. “Uhm, you’re not moving out anymore?” He nods. “Really?” 

“Yes. Why? You want me to?”

“No!” You instantly say. “But… you already signed the papers and all that…” 

Jungkook gives you a reassuring smile. “I’ll handle it, don’t worry.” 

“Okay, well, I’m glad, then…” you trail off. 

Now that everything’s said and done, you feel just how hard and loud the rain is and how awkward the two of you must look from a passerby’s point of view. Suddenly, you grow embarrassed.

Jungkook seems to catch onto that. “You still want to be out here in the rain or…” 

“Wait,” you say, taking Jungkook’s hand. “Uhm… I wanna try something before we go.” 

“What is it?” He asks, and he looks so eager. Like he’s willing to do everything you say. Has he always been like that? 

“I’ve always wanted to kiss under the rain. I think.” 

Jungkook’s lips curl up into a grin. “You think?” You nod, hesitantly meeting his eyes even though you can’t clearly see him because of the rain. “Okay. Let’s do it.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’ve never been sure in my life,” he says, and you feel him pull you closer, your feet almost stumbling on their own at the contact. “I mean I never would’ve thought that the first time I get to kiss you is with all of these microorganisms from rainwater on our faces, but that’s fine by me.” 

You wince. “Okay now you’re just making me nervous.” 

He chuckles. A hearty laugh. God, even his laugh sounds so attractive. “No backing out. I really want to kiss you.” 

“Well, shut up and kiss me, then.” 

Jungkook ducks down finally, swooping his face to the side to plant his lips on your own. The first few seconds come off as tentative – like he’s just testing the waters – but when you part your mouth, that’s when he moves. 

And he’s so graceful with it. 

You’ve always thought his lips had a nice shape. Did you ever think about whether he's a good kisser or not, though? Probably. 

But oh boy, he is a good kisser alright. 

There was this thing about kissing that just didn’t really tickle your fancy. You remember Changsub kissing you for the first time – and he kind of… sucked at it. There was too much saliva, and it was the same case with most of the guys you’ve been with. Eunwoo used too much tongue, Jaehyun didn’t like it that much. Mingyu was partial to it at best, though he was good when he did it. But sometimes, kissing felt like a means to an end, and if it was just a prop for sex – why bother, right? 

You realized you’ve never really been into kissing until Jungkook moves his lips against yours. You realized you never thought that kissing could be just as great as the sex itself. 

It brings your mind into a haywire, the way Jungkook holds you tighter against him, his tongue prodding inside your mouth as he dives back in for more. Your eyes are shut close as you feel the sensation of his tongue against yours – so hot that you almost forgot you’re out in the cold. 

He drags the tip of his nose from your cupid bow to your own nose, and when you open your eyes, Jungkook lets his forehead rest against your own. He has his eyes closed, but there’s a smile on his face as he holds you close against him. 

“Kook.” 

He opens his eyes again, deeply staring into yours. 

“I hope that was what you expected.” He whispers against your mouth, and you feel him pecking the side, stealing a brief kiss that makes you tighten your hold around his neck. 

“It was everything and more.” 

Jungkook kisses you again. 

Somebody walks in on you a moment later, which makes you reluctantly separate from each other. 

“Jungkook,” you call him while you hold on tightly to the black parka he gave you to wrap yourself around with. 

Jungkook adjusts the umbrella above you. It’s almost useless, really, because one of his shoulders is literally getting soaked by the rain now, with the umbrella solely placed to your direction. You don’t even know what’s the point. You’re both wet anyway. But Jungkook insisted he take it out from his bag in the car while you walk towards your building, so you let him. 

“Yes?” He says, pulling you closer by the waist. 

“You’re a really good kisser.” 

He chuckles. “Really? Wanna make out on our couch until it’s time for you to clock in at work?” 

You stop abruptly. 

“Oh my god, my shift!” 

Jungkook laughs and shows you his apple watch. “It’s only three forty. You have plenty of time to prep.” 

“Okay… ugh… it’s gonna be so hard to take the bus in this weather.” you complain, kicking a pebble by your feet. 

“I’ll drive you there.” 

You look at him and shake your head. “No, it’s fine. You must be tired.” 

Jungkook sighs, but it’s playful. 

“Now that you said you like me, you’re gonna have to deal with me doing anything and everything for you.” 

You feel your cheeks heating. “You’ve done that ever since then, though…” you point out, meant to be a joke, but you realize just as you said it that it’s kinda… true. 

Jungkook seems to think so as well. 

“You’re right.” 

You look at him to give him a smile. 

“I love you.” Jungkook says, and you swear you’ve never heard I love you as sincere and gentle as his before. 

“Thank you…” you trail off. “Not because I’m putting you in the friendzone – no, we’re done with that. But as I said, I like you. And I want you in my life. I want to say the same thing as you did when I know I truly mean it and more. I want to try with you – I’m scared, I’m so fucking scared but I’m willing to try if you are. I’d love to if you want to.” 

“__,” Jungkook calls your name softly. “I’m scared of this too. Scared about the possibilities. But with you, I’m more than willing to try. I love you and I don’t care even when you take a year or ten years to say it back.” 

You can’t wait to do it with him.

EPILOGUE

( 2 MONTHS LATER )

Nowadays, there’s about three in ten chances when Jungkook and your schedules align. Before, it wasn’t as much of a rarity as it is now – so you two make sure that you spend it together doing everything and anything as much as you can; go on dates at some random restaurant and café or park, or simply just cook together or watch a movie. 

Admittedly, you had a hard time navigating this new relationship with Jungkook. You never dated a close friend before – and the transition from being best friends with him to suddenly being his girlfriend was admittedly… weird. For the first time, anyway. 

Sure, you did make out in your couch after that whole fiasco at the parking lot – but it was just that. Just making out and giggling to each other like highschoolers. After you went home from your rotation that night, Jungkook welcomed you with a home cooked dinner and you watched a movie right after, dozing off in the sofa together.

For the following days… it did not feel that different. It didn’t feel like he was your boyfriend or you his girlfriend. You two hung out, talked to each other about your days and other things, and annoyed each other – and that was just regular Jungkook and __. 

But the thing was that; your hang outs now consisted of kissing each other and Jungkook shyly asking to cop a feel on your boobs. It now involves you taking free reigns on his lap fifty percent of the time, and more sleeping together in the same bed. You talk about your days while Jungkook caresses your hair in his slender fingers, pressing kisses to the crown of your head – whether it be on his bed or on the sofa. You annoy each other but it always ends up with Jungkook on top of you and kissing his way down between your legs. 

Point is, your relationship still feels the same like how you’ve always been – but now you actually go out together as boyfriend and girlfriend and kissing is now an integral part of your mundane activities.

You haven’t had sex, though. Not yet, anyway. 

Jungkook told you he wanted to go slow, and it’s not like you’re complaining. You want to go slow, as well. 

If you were to draw a Venn diagram of Jungkook and you pre-dating and post-dating, then you’d get a lot of similarities more than differences – but that’s the thing you love about your relationship. Jungkook has always been… so present that it may have been the reason why you overlooked a lot of things. 

He’s always loved you.

Two months ago your head was filled of doubts and confusion, but now it’s quite clear to you.

He’s your lover. Your partner. Your soulmate.

And as you look at him now across from you where he zones in on his iPad studying and reading some research works on the exploration of the viability of 3D-printed organs using biological tissues (was it? You weren’t actually paying attention because he looked so damn good while he informed you about his plans for the night after he finished his set; he was doing push-ups in the living room as you conversed). Your feet rest on his lap while you try to focus on the doc you’re working on for work.

You see Jungkook pushing the center of his prescription glasses to the bridge of his nose, scrunching it for a bit, and it makes you smile.

The first thing that comes to your mind is how you love every second of this moment. 

Him doing his thing while you do yours. Spending time together in silence, not because it’s awkward but because you’re comfortable enough to know that constant conversation is not the only thing to a camaraderie. 

It’s beautiful. It warms your heart and fills you with so much serenity. You’d love to spend the whole night like this. Then tomorrow. Then the next day after that. Maybe a year from now? Or years… 

You just… you just love this. 

You love Jungkook. 

Yeah. You love Jungkook. You’re in love with Jungkook.

You weren’t sure two months ago — and Jungkook’s always told you that he was willing to wait no matter how long it takes you, but little does he know, he doesn’t have to wait that much anymore.

Because you love him. 

You guess, it’s always been there. Sure, maybe it was platonic for all those years – but it was still love. And the romantic kind that you feel for him now is just an extension of that.  

It may be the best kind of feeling; falling for someone you know will catch you with open arms and even let themselves fall back without a care in the world. You weren’t fully trusting of words, but you trust track records – and Jungkook’s records are exemplary. 

So, yeah, maybe it took you eight painfully long years, but now you’re here and can’t have it any other way. 

A slight beat and then Jungkook cards his fingers through his hair, eyebrows knitting together as they hone in on his device. He’s been so focused on that while you’ve lost interest in your own thing in the last ten minutes as soon as you take a look at your boyfriend in his own ensemble. 

It’s early December so it’s cold nowadays, and Jungkook’s been wearing hoodies. Right now, though, he’s not – opting for a wifebeater instead – and it’s because he just finished a set of exercise so his body must still be hot – and he’s hot, alright. With his biceps and his slutty shorts slutty men with huge thighs wear – those ones! – and his stupid soft hair that looks longer now because he hasn’t been trimming and his glasses – he’s so damn hot. 

And maybe you’re feeling a bit bothered by it. 

“What?” 

You blink at Jungkook who meets your gaze. With your widened eyes, you shake your head. “Nothing.” 

Jungkook gives you a playful smile and stares right back at you. Squinting your eyes at him, you knit your brows to wordlessly ask him what he’s on about. Then he chuckles, shakes his head, “You’re cute.” he says before going back to his iPad.

But then unconsciously, you’re staring again. And Jungkook seems to be very much aware. He takes his gaze off from the device and look at you.

“Ugh,” you groan, shutting your laptop close. You make a move to pull away your legs from his lap but he’s quick to stop you by wrapping an arm around them to keep them on him. 

“Where are you going, missy?” Jungkook ticks his tongue.

“Somewhere without you.” 

“Ouch,” Jungkook says with a straight face. “You can’t leave here.” 

“Says who?” 

“Me. Keep your legs on my lap.”

You scrunch your nose at that, trying to ignore the weird feeling that flares up in your chest. One of the things that you grew to learn about Jungkook is that he’s extremely… clingy. You never thought he was a clingy boyfriend. Never thought he’d be the type to make grabby hands for his girlfriend whenever and wherever. He does it all the time; in the elevator at work when it’s just the two of you in there, sometimes along the hallways, at the grocery store, and especially around your place. Always has to keep his hand on a part of you and you’re not complaining but you’ve always thought you were the clingiest person ever but turns out, you just never had a clingy boyfriend to begin with.

And you realize, oh, here you are again. Gushing about how good he makes you feel. 

Sometimes you just want to scream about how much you like him. And how much his stupidly hot insanely attractive face makes you go all empty-headed. 

“I don’t want to.” you say, fighting his hold.

“Why.” 

“‘Cause you’re distracting me.” You simply say. 

That gets him intrigued. “How am I distracting you? I’m studying here.” 

That’s exactly how, you roll your eyes internally.

“I want your attention, but I also need to finish these reports, and you need to study so I can’t.” 

“Baby,” he says, chuckling. “You could’ve just said so.” 

You frown. Jungkook moves your legs off his lap but then spreads them open so he can crawl on top of you, his glasses shifting down a fraction at the sudden movement. Taking your laptop, he cranes half of his body momentarily to place the computer on the coffee table. Soon, he’s back in between your legs, grinning at you wide. 

“So what do you want me to do?” You feel heat creeping up to your cheeks when he begins sliding up your silky nightgown, rolling the hem up your thighs, rubbing the length of the skin with his thumbs. 

You reach for his hair instead, swiping up his bangs that’s covering his forehead. “Your hair’s gotten so long.” you comment mindlessly.

“Oh, yeah…” Jungkook lets you continue caressing his hair. “Do you want me to cut it?” 

“Hm, no,” you shake your head. “I like it like this.” 

“I knew you always liked my long hair,” Jungkook says with a hint of a teasing tone. He ducks down to kiss your inner thigh which makes you smile and shiver at the same time with the frame hitting your skin as well. “More to grab onto when I go down on you?” 

“Jesus christ,” you immediately roll your eyes. “Have some couth.” 

“Don’t care. Can I eat you out? I feel stressed. I’ve read enough research and review cases I feel like my brain’s leaking out.” 

“Can you please not talk about eating me out and your brain leaking out in the same sentence, thank you very much.” you say but Jungkook ignores you and goes for the waistband of your panties under your nightie instead. “Kook!” you giggle. 

“No?” Jungkook looks up at you, thumb pausing at your hips. 

You shake your head. “Can we try something different tonight?” He looks at you curiously. You look into his eyes. “Can I suck your cock?” 

Jungkook’s eyes widen. You think it’s so adorable when he does the OJO face, and when you see his ears turning red, you try to refrain yourself from laughing. 

“I— yeah, yeah, s-sure,” Jungkook stammers. When you smile, he clears his throat. “I mean— are you sure?” He tries again. 

You nod your head. He mirrors it, though quite frantically.

“Okay, okay, yeah. We can do that. Sure.” He says but he looks like that one picture of a dog sitting in a burning room. 

You don’t know why he seems to be nervous. He eats you out almost everyday – no kidding – and you’ve given him like a total of three (or four?) quick handjobs before.

Chuckling, you cup his jaw and direct his face to you. “I’m only sure if you are.” 

“I want to.” Jungkook says almost automatically. 

“Want to? Get your dick sucked?” You raise your eyebrow at him with your lips curled up. 

“__,” he says, almost a whine. “You’re teasing me.” 

You chuckle almost evilly. “I’m not! What are you so red for?” 

Jungkook scoffs. “You know what you do to me,” He picks himself up with ease, so he’s now leveled to your face. With a quick kiss on your mouth, he says with a grin, “Little angel-faced gremlin.” 

You chuckle as you push his chest slightly.

Jungkook gets the message and takes it upon himself to get off on top of you. Following him onto the sofa, you watch as Jungkook rests his back on the cushion behind, taking a hold of your hips while you situate yourself on his lap in the new position. 

He looks up at you with so much adoration in his eyes. So gentle. So warm. So sweet as he hums and rubs his thumb over your hips. 

Leaning down, you press a tentative kiss on his mouth.

“I like you like this but they gotta go, unfortunately.” You said, taking his eyeglasses off him, setting them down on the space beside him.

Jungkook chuckles. “Sorry.”

“’S okay, baby.” You kiss him again, only to let out a contented sigh when Jungkook goes for it immediately. He swipes his tongue over your own and you end up making out like usual until you had to break away to steal some breath. While you do so, Jungkook presses his lips on the column of your neck, hands slowly making their way towards your tits to squeeze. 

“God, I love these tits – so perfect,” Jungkook says, hissing against your neck. 

“Ngh— yeah?” 

“Yeah— oh fuck,” Jungkook grunts when you begin to move your hips against his own, rolling your crotch to the growing need in his shorts. You close your eyes at the sensation of his bulge poking your panty-cladded core, leveraging his shoulders to keep yourself grounded while you’re quite literally grinding against him. “You’re so fucking hot, baby, I can’t believe I’m yours.” 

You cup his face in your hands to kiss him again, Jungkook reciprocating it just as quickly. But you soon had to let go because you can feel yourself getting wetter by the second, especially when Jungkook’s hips begin to buck up into you, and if things continue the way they are, you won’t be able to give him a blowjob like you planned to. 

Jungkook whines when you break away from him, but he takes it as you push him slightly so he can relax on his back entirely, watching you curiously as you lift yourself off his lap, slowly coming down by his feet and kneeling on the floorboards in between his spread thighs all the while staring into his eyes. 

“Baby, wait,” He says. You raise a brow at him. He takes the pillow to the side with a stretched arm and gives it to you. “Put this under your knees.”

You don’t expect that at all. But you take it and smile at him, anyway, placing the pillow down under your knees and god, does Jungkook really deserve the blowjob you’re about to give him.

When you’re all settled, you focus your gaze on the peeking ink that disappears shortly by the cut on his short shorts, feeling Jungkook tense under your hold when you place your palms on his huge thighs. 

“I’ve always been curious about this,” you say, gingerly rubbing over the ink on his skin. 

“Yeah?” Jungkook breaths. 

You nod mindlessly. Biting your lip, you look up at Jungkook. “Can I take off your slutty shorts?” 

At that, Jungkook’s tense muscles relax as he snorts. “My slutty— what?” 

“Your slutty shorts.” 

He laughs but then he goes for the waistband, lifting his bum off the sofa. “You’re so damn weird. Good thing you’re hot and gorgeous.” 

You help him take off the garment, licking over your bottom lip when you see his cock slapping over his abdomen because he doesn’t wear underwear sometimes and this is just one of those days. It’s not the first time you’ve seen his dick, obviously, but you remember exactly how your jaw slacked when you saw his length and girth for the first time. It made sense why Jungkook acted the way he did. He isn’t annoyingly confident – just confident and knows how to carry himself, but damn, after seeing his cock you kind of understood why. 

But other than that, you finally see the whole piece on his thigh. It goes way up than you thought – an artwork of a flower that you’re not quite familiar with. But it’s pretty, just like the rest of Jungkook. 

“What’s this?” You ask, tracing over the lines. 

“Oh, my tat?” Jungkook asks. You hum. “A tiger lily. My birth flower.” 

You nod your head, enlightened. “It’s so pretty, Kook.”

“Thank you.” You chuckle because you know when he’s getting shy. Smiling up at him, Jungkook unexpectedly reaches down to fix a strand of hair behind your hair, “The most perfect girl in the world,” He has that lovesick smile on his face and equally dreamy eyes when he stares down at you. “So pretty. I love you, baby.”

“Shh,” you shush, kissing his thigh, making him let out a soft moan. “Let me suck your cock.” 

“Whatever you want.” 

Sliding your tongue all over your lips, you kneel upright and kiss your way up his thighs, feeling Jungkook’s breath hitching at the action. You look at the tiger lily on his thigh again and kiss over it, sucking for a moment, feeling Jungkook hold your shoulders when you do so. The air is thick with want and need as you continue your lips’ path to his crotch. 

Soon, you gather your hair to the side to lick over the tip, which is already shining with pre-cum.

“Fuck.” Jungkook harshly whispers. 

Humming, you begin to wrap him around your fingers, hearing him let out a prolonged sigh as soon as you give him a squeeze. He’s hard and warm in your hands, and you watch as he closes his eyes when you swipe a thumb across his tip, gathering the wetness over the length. You lean down and slowly let a gobble of spit run down his cock. 

“Jesus.” 

“You’re thinking about another man right now?” You say, beginning to pump his cock up and down. 

Jungkook half-snorts and chokes. “Baby. Fuck. Not right now.” 

“Yeah, you’re so hard…” you trail off, staring at his cock in your hand. He’s so big – the length not even fitting your hand and so girthy that you feel full. You’ve never ever thought about anyone like this, but Jungkook might have the prettiest cock you’ve ever seen. It’s a weird thought, so you lean down and lick over the tip again, hearing Jungkook swear under his breath. 

You repeat the movement of licking around the shaft, making sure to put extra care in the frenulum. When Jungkook puts his hand on your head – not pushing – but it’s there – you lean down closer and finally wrap your lips around the crown. 

“Oh, fuuck.” 

You suck the head for awhile, feeling and hearing Jungkook’s ragged breathing. Relaxing your throat, you begin to go down further until about half of his cock is buried in your mouth. 

“Shit– baby, oh fuck that feels so fucking good.” Jungkook sighs, caressing your hair, as if fighting not to push your head down. You wouldn't mind – but you appreciate the constraint, you think it’s hot. 

You make sure to grip the remaining length of Jungkook that you can’t fit in your mouth while you bob your head up and down his cock, repeating that motion over and over again, his moans filling the night air of your apartment. Your name slips from his lips in that erotic tone that makes you feel hot and bothered down there, but you remain focused on sucking him until you feel his thighs shake. 

“You like this, baby?” You ask, looking up at him with hooded eyes, pumping his dick up and down with eager hands that is not too fast but just enough to make him keen, making sure to keep eye contact as you lick him. 

Jungkook groans, abdomen clenching at the sight. “You’re such a goddamn tease, look at you – looking so good with my cock in your mouth. So fucking gorgeous.” 

You smirk, finding his balls to scrape it with your nails. Jungkook instantly lets out a grunt, gripping your shoulders this time. You continue going down on him, feeling yourself getting wetter, especially when he vocalizes his pleasure and sweet nonsense of, “You’re so gorgeous,”, “so perfect,”, “you don’t know what you do to me,”, “so fucking beautiful and mine”. 

“Oh, god, baby – I think I’m coming—” 

“Yeah?” You say as you pick up pace. 

“Yeah— shit, ah— keep going,” He inhales a sharp breath while you pump faster, sucking his tip once again to put him over the edge. 

Jungkook grabs a fistful of your hair, not harsh enough to be painful, but noticeable enough to make you look at him. 

“I’m cumming— I– where can I cum?” He says, and he’s so red, chest sweating profusely, cock so hard in your hand you think he might combust any second now. 

“Where do you want to cum?” You blink at him, swirling your hand around his cock to keep the momentum going. 

Jungkook throws his head back on the back of the sofa. “I— fuck, you’re killing me here.” 

“I’m serious. Cum wherever you want to.” 

He comes back up to stare at you. “C-can I cum on your tits?” 

You chuckle. May have sounded a little mean because Jungkook’s bottom lip comes out in a jut, but you kneel back and quickly slide out the thin straps of your nightie that were already off your shoulder, anyway, pulling the top down easily and revealing your bare breasts. 

“Oh, god, you’re such a dream,” Jungkook quickly reaches down to squeeze them, earning a moan from you when he flicks your nipples. 

“Kook,” you whine because he’s getting distracted. He relaxes back and lets you pump him until he groans. 

“Shit, I’m cumm—” 

You direct his dick to your chest as it spurts out an abundance of hot white liquid, making you gasp. You don’t let go of his cock, not yet, still pumping and squeezing it for more, letting it paint your chest as Jungkook pants above you. 

Some of it have gotten under your chin, but you don’t really care as you lean down once again to put him inside your mouth.

“Baby—” Jungkook says, seemingly trying to stop you but he halts his hand on your head as you wrap your lips around his cock again, feeling him spurt out cum in your mouth. 

When you let go, you let his essence fall over your lips, letting ittrickle down your chin and back to the tip of dick. Jungkook bites his lip at the sight, groaning when you lick over your lips and swallow some of it. 

“You absolute minx.” He says incredulously, chuckling when you get off the floor to plant yourself on his lap again, making sure to tuck his dick so you don’t hurt it in the process. 

You kiss him on the mouth – with his cum and all that – but Jungkook doesn’t voice any complaint as he receives you wholeheartedly – just like he always has – wrapping his arms around you and kissing you like you’re his life support. 

Panting, you break away from the kiss with a hand on his chest, grinning at him. “You’re so nasty.” 

He falls back on the couch, more laxed this time, and you follow him there, giggling when Jungkook reaches for your tits to squeeze them. 

“You’re nasty,” He says with an even bigger smile, booping your nose. “I love it. Love you.” 

You chuckle against each other’s mouths as you kiss him again. 

Jungkook doesn’t really believe in luck. Sure, there are some times when it was by pure chance that someone dodged a passing car, and there were days during med school when the professor missed his name for some recitation he didn’t prepare for. Highly improbable events could happen to an individual somewhere – and that person can probably call themselves “lucky” for it – but those moments he believes are only statistical anomalies, and statistical anomalies are nothing but statistics at the end of the day. 

It’s probably why he doesn’t believe in fate, either. He doesn’t like to think that his life is predetermined by some higher entities he isn’t really sure of. 

Jungkook likes to believe that it is due to the human’s reflex they would dodge a passing car. If he was called for a recitation he didn’t prepare for, it was not that luck was not on his side – it was that his irresponsibility got the best of him, most likely resulting to a bad grade. Point is, Jungkook believes in hard work. Perseverance. He likes the thought of himself leading his own life with his own decisions – likes to think that it is his own doing why he’s where he’s at right now, surrounded by people he loves who love him back in return. 

But when he looks at you after buckling you in his passenger seat, locking the seat belt around your waist and kissing your forehead as you relax sleepily on the car seat, he thinks back to the day you met and the moments that led you to him. 

When he texted Jimin to go out for lunch that time, Jimin asked him to pass by the law library to meet up. It was only a good guess when his legs led him to the individual study area, taking the pure chance that he might see Jimin there. 

But instead he saw you. Saw you right there at that cubicle looking like the prettiest woman he’s ever seen.

The second time you met each other was in your Anatomy class, when he took the only empty seat he saw in the hall only to look to the side and see you again. 

Those series of events weren’t a product of deliberate decision-making. You just walked into his life. No warning whatsoever. 

And then somehow, you’ve stayed for the past eight years. Somehow, after such a long time, he has you in his arms. Somehow, you’re his girlfriend now. And you tell him you like him. Likes his touch. Reciprocates his affection… and Jungkook just cannot wrap his mind around it. Even now. 

“You’re sleepy?” Jungkook whispers, sneaking a kiss to the side of your head again and he almost wants to wrap you up in a bundle of soft, velvety duvets when you hum and snuggle to his arm around the back of your seat as he reverses the car. 

“Uh-huh.” You hum with your eyes closed. 

You both just finished your shift tonight; 9:07 pm currently. You haven’t even bothered to change out of your scrubs because you were way too tired to change in the locker rooms – and usually, Jungkook would prefer to not let his scrubs touch the interior of his car, but with you it seems like he forgets about his little nitty-picky nature.

“Alright. Just get a quick nap and I’ll let you know when we’re home,” Jungkook says, looking back at you only to see you already passed out on the seat. He chuckles to himself, and mindlessly, he says, “I love you.” 

Just because.

It feels good. It feels good to say it out loud and for you to know in which context he’s saying it in. It feels good to let it out when he knows that you know it’s real and that he loves you because you're the best thing that ever happened in his life. He loves saying he loves you because he thinks his lips are meant to say the words.

He loves saying it simply because he just… loves you. 

You mumble something in your sleep, and Jungkook takes a momentary glance at you to figure it out, looking at you with a smile on his face. You always look so beautiful, even when you’re tired and knocked out – so gorgeous. He can’t believe he’s yours and you’re willing to accept him that way. 

“Love you too.” 

Jungkook’s thankful the traffic lights have turned green just as when you said that. Because he definitely had a very physical reaction to the words – neck quickly craning to the side to automatically look at you. 

But you’re sleeping so peacefully, lips parted, soft snores blending in with the gentle whirr of the car AC. 

It takes Jungkook a full ten seconds to fully register. 

You… you love him as well? You’ve never said that – not until tonight, anyway. Jungkook’s already told you that he’ll wait, no matter how long it takes you to confidently say it back. It wouldn’t have mattered if you said that one year from now or even longer. He just wants you. Just happy with you by his side and him by yours. 

He wishes you were awake. He wishes he could ask you what you said just so you can repeat it for him once again. But as he looks at your sleeping figure, he smiles. 

Jungkook doesn’t believe in luck, but for the first time in his life, he feels like he might just be the luckiest man to walk the Earth.

“So I’m dating Namjoon. Dr. Kim? The attendant.” 

Jungkook sputters around his sandwich. You’re quick to give him a water bottle, caressing his back and tapping on it. He smiles and tells you a quick thank you before turning to Doyeon. 

“What the fuck?” 

“What?” Nayeon’s equally shocked voice topples over Jungkook’s. 

Then upon realizing that you and Taehyung seem to not show any reaction, Jungkook and Nayeon look at you both suspiciously. 

“What?” Taehyung looks at them wide-eyed. “I didn’t even say anything.” 

“Baby?” Jungkook turns to look at you. Your eyes widen as you try to avoid his gaze. 

“I’m just… as surprised.” But it’s so obvious when you lie so Jungkook squints his eyes at you. “Don’t look at me like that! Ask Taehyung.” 

“Why me?” Taehyung panics. 

“Okay, what the fuck? Taehyung, how the hell are you not surprised? You’re the most annoying fuck about it.” Doyeon snaps her eyes to Taehyung with her knitted brows, crossing her arms together. 

“I just– okay,” Taehyung raises both his hands. “I’m gonna come clean. I saw you both at a restaurant last July.” 

“July?” Nayeon confirms, jaw slacked. “You’ve been dating Dr. Kim for that long?” 

“Yeah and recite my social security number while you’re at it. Speak lowly, damn.” Doyeon rolls her eyes and sits on the edge of the emergency bed. She tips her head to Taehyung’s direction. “Also, you’re lying. Which restaurant?” 

Instead of letting Taehyung answer, you look at him incredulously with betrayed eyes. “You knew since July?” 

“Why am I the one bombarded with questions? Ask Doyeon! She’s been hiding her boyfriend from us all this time!” Taehyung rolls his eyes. Then he looks back at Doyeon. “It was at Craft. Hyerin and I were, like, three tables away. For the record, she saw you first and asked me about it.” 

“Ugh.” Doyeon just groans. 

“This is crazy,” Jungkook comments after his shock. “Dr. Kim? Really? How did you pull him?” Doyeon and Nayeon instantly glare at him while Taehyung chuckles. You slap him on his bicep which makes him let out an, “Owe!” He looks at you with a pout. “Baby.”

“Jungkook, you’re such an asshole sometimes.” You say and whisk his hand away that tries to reach you.

“Exactly. So how did you pull __ again?” Doyeon fires back from the bed across. Taehyung’s laughter has only gotten louder while Nayeon shakes her head. 

“Because she thinks I’m the hottest man in the world.” He wraps an arm around your shoulders and pulls you to him to kiss the side of your head, grinning widely at everybody. 

Everybody boos. You laugh and pinch Jungkook’s waist. He takes your hand anyway and keeps it on his lap, playing with your fingers while he looks ahead. 

“Gross. I need to get out.” Doyeon says, standing up, whisking away her pants.

“Sometimes I forget you two kiss now and it’s disgusting.” Taehyung comments, making a show of shivering. 

“Right? It’s like finding out about how you were conceived by your parents.” Nayeon adds. 

All of you give her a look. 

“Anyway,” Nayeon slaps a hand on her thighs and follows up to Doyeon, interlocking her arm with her with a big smile on her face. “I’ll go with you! Are you free at lunch time?” 

“Nayeon, she’s not gonna say anything about their sex life.” You say, because it was so obvious by the look on her face that’s what she intends to ask Doyeon about. 

Nayeon gasps. “How dare you! I’m not gonna ask anything about that.” 

“You totally are,” Taehyung shakes his head. “Anyway, I’m leaving. We’re all leaving. You two coming along?” 

You shake your head, and so does Jungkook. 

“Fucking in here would be so extremely disgusting, I’m just gonna put that out in advance.” Taehyung says which Nayeon agrees to. You look at Doyeon by the doorframe who goes quiet and you laugh internally remembering how exactly you knew about her and Dr. Kim.

“Sure,” Jungkook says with a straight face. When they all leave the room, he turns to you with a smile. “We’re finally alone.”

“Finally? They’re your friends,” you chuckle.

“Only when they’re not annoying.” He grins. 

“Fair.” 

“I can’t believe it, though,” Jungkook lets himself fall over the bed. He looks at you and tugs at your wrist to get you to come down as well, so you do, your head landing on his arm. “Dr. Kim and Doyeon? Didn’t see that one coming.” 

“Me too. You know how I found out? I saw them kissing at some ward in the hospital.” You say, chuckling to yourself. 

“When?” Jungkook snorts. 

“Like three months ago? Something like that.” 

“I feel betrayed you haven’t told me any of this.” Jungkook pretends to be offended. He feels you moving in his arms, but you only lean your elbow on the bed so you can look down at him. 

“Eh. It was Doyeon’s story to tell. Anyway, I’m curious. Have you ever fucked in the on-call rooms?” You ask. 

Jungkook scrunches his nose. “Nah. Never.” 

“No lying, I’m serious.” 

“I’m serious. I’ve never had a thing with any of our co-workers. And even if I did, I still would not fuck around here. I respect the hustle, though.” 

You snicker and jab at his chest. “Ohh, right. Okay. Fair. Fair.” 

“Would you, though? Fuck in the on-call rooms? Or just around here?” Jungkook arches a brow. He sees your face scrunching up in that way you do when you’re thinking. 

Then: “No…?” 

Jungkook laughs. “Baby, be honest.” 

“I’m being honest! Like, I get you. I wouldn’t fuck here too. I would be way too nervous.” 

Jungkook looks at you suspiciously but you only jab at his chest again making him laugh. 

“Come here, you,” He says, reaching for your face. You lick over your bottom lip, grinning as you lean down to plant a kiss on his mouth. When you let go, Jungkook groans and lets his head bounce on the mattress. “Just want to finish today’s shift.” 

“Poor baby. You’re off at five, right?” You say, carding your fingers through his hair while your other hand rests on his chest. 

“Yeah. And you’re off at nine. I’ll wait for you at home like a military wife.” He says with a frown. 

You giggle and slap his chest again. “You’re so funny. I love you.” 

Jungkook visibly stills. And he sees you freezing as well. 

“I— oh well, I love you,” you say again. Nibbling on your bottom lip, you gauge his reaction, but Jungkook’s not sure what his face looks right now. 

He’s shocked. He’s happy. He’s so fucking delighted to finally hear you say it – and not only in your sleep this time. You’re actually saying you love him right now – and he feels himself getting washed by a lot of emotions, his heart beating against his ribcage like crazy. 

“Say something.” You say, poking his cheek. 

“I… I love you.” Jungkook utters, still at a loss for words. 

You give him a smile. One of those smiles that is so genuine he honestly thinks you’re an angel. 

“I love you, too. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize my feelings for you. I’m sorry for making you wait for eight whole years.” 

“__,” he calls your name. This time, he brings his body back up to sit upright on the bed, and you follow as well. Jungkook takes one of your hands in his as he looks into your eyes when saying, “I couldn’t have cared less when you said it. I just want you. I love you so much that I don’t care even if it took you eight more years to realize you feel the same.” 

“You’d be forty by then. Kinda old.” You crack a joke, and it does bring a laugh out of Jungkook. A second later, you let out a sigh. “But seriously, I just… I know you don’t want me to apologize for it, and I know I don’t have to, either – but I’m just sorry. I just feel so stupid for not knowing earlier. I think about the times we could’ve been together and I just…” you let out a deep breath again. “I know it shouldn’t matter, we’re together now. It’s just… I just can’t help but think, what if we dated in med school? That time would’ve been so different.” 

Jungkook’s slightly taken aback by the confession. Sure, he’s imagined that way many times more than he can admit, but you saying it is a different case.

He nods at your words, nonetheless, cupping your jaw to make you look at him. When you do, you have a pout on your lips that he can’t help but kiss. 

“I thought about that, too. But it doesn’t matter. I’m the best version of myself now, I think. I’m glad we’re together right now.” 

You scrunch your nose. “I love you.” 

“I love you more.” 

Jungkook wants to bring up the time when you said I love you to him in the car but decides against it. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just a little secret, right?

Then Jungkook leans down to kiss you again, which you reciprocate with ease. 

It doesn’t take much to elevate your kissing nowadays. Jungkook’s been thinking about having sex with you, but you haven’t brought it up yet. You two have taken things slow with your relationship, and Jungkook’s okay with it, as long as it’s what you want. You dabble in oral sex, but you haven’t ever initiated penetrative sex, so Jungkook just assumes that you might not be ready yet. 

Regardless, though, he’s just happy he gets to touch you and whenever you touch him. You’re such a dream but you’re so real – so soft to the touch, so pretty, and you love him just as much as he loves you. Though, he probably loves you more.

The moment has led you to plant your legs on either side of him, now straddling his lap as you continue to make out. You let out a sweet moan when Jungkook bites your bottom lip, grabbing his hair unintentionally at the sensation. When the tension grows heavy, that’s when you begin to grind your hips against his, and Jungkook knows it’s time to slow down. 

“Hey,” He says, breaking away and pecking the side of your mouth instead. 

“Yeah, yeah,” You still your hips against him. With your bottom lip jut out, you look at him with a sad frown on your face. “I have to go in—” you look at your watch. “five minutes.” 

“Gotta scram now, baby.” Jungkook helps you get off his lap, squeezing your ass a little as you get up. You roll your eyes at him, and he chuckles, going in for another kiss. “Later?” 

You kiss again. “Later.” 

Jungkook doesn’t know what you mean by that. Were you… were you saying you’ll have sex later? Or just the usual fooling around? 

Ah, fuck. He wants to have sex with you so bad, but it’s honestly fine if you still don’t want to. He waited for you for eight years. What’s more years for sex, right? Though, he’d be happy regardless if you weren’t interested in that at all. As long as you’re together, he’d be content. Though, again… he would really like to make love to you. Show you other ways how much he feels. 

You leave Jungkook alone in the ward. He waits a few more minutes for his boner to go away before he follows outside.

Jungkook had dinner ready when you arrived from the hospital. Said he went to the store quickly to buy ingredients for a steak dinner and some mid-range wine. You told him he didn’t have to, but you were delighted that he did, anyway; giggling through dinner as you told each other about your day. 

It was the wine – or it was just the overwhelming love in the air, but twenty minutes into the movie you both pretended to watch while drinking the alcohol, Jungkook snuck a hand under your shirt to rub your waist. And it was how you ended up straddling him on the couch, making out for a few minutes before Jungkook brought you over to his bedroom, stripping you off your clothes, and eating you out. 

You love when he does it. He’s such… a giver. He knows just how to use his tongue and his fingers, but one thing you notice is his eagerness and attentiveness to the way your body reacts. He loves learning you. He’s so gentle when he asks you what you want, but the moment he gets it, he goes crazy unguarded, tongue lapping at your core, making you moan uncontrollably under the tight grip he has around your thighs. 

“Oh, Jungkook…” you moan, planting your face in the pillow as you grab his hair. He wasn’t far off that one time when he said you liked his hair longer because there’s more to grab onto. It’s convenient when he goes down on you like this – so accessible and you think he secretly likes it when you pull on his scalp. 

You hear him spit on your pussy again, the saliva dripping down your core. His middle finger gets joined by his ring finger as he pumps into you, his mouth reconnecting with your clit again. 

The simultaneous feeling of his mouth and tongue and fingers working on you gets you impossibly wetter by every second, and your thighs begin to shake when Jungkook flicks your nub with his tongue in rapid movements. It makes you mewl, legs threatening to close but Jungkook has somehow locked you around his arms without it even hurting. 

He hums in your pussy, slowing down a little with his mouth, but his fingers are there, snug deep in your spongy walls. He doesn’t even let them get to the middle before he inserts them again. 

“You’re so wet, god,” Jungkook groans before licking you again. 

“Fuck—” you say when you feel your stomach tightening. Closing your eyes, you focus on the way he hits your g-spot with his finger – and the thought of something even bigger than his digits sliding in and out of your pussy completely sends you over the edge. “Oh my fuck— I’m cumming—”

“Yeah? Cum baby, I know you want to,” He hums, keeping his fingers there, knowing full well you’re focusing on that. 

“Yes, yes, yes!” you say deliriously, lips parted as you feel that familiar zap from your toes to your spine. And with one last lick, you feel yourself letting go on his tongue, choking back a sob when you feel yourself spasming. 

“Fucking hell.” You hear Jungkook whispers.

He stares at your cunt with your juices and cum leaking out. He runs his soaked digits over your pussy, inserting them again in your warm entrance, and the white that paints your walls comes out to coat your labia; making Jungkook hiss again. 

“Jungkook—” You call him, feeling his grip on your thighs loosening. It’s only at that moment when you realize that they’re a bit strained from spreading too much, but you find you don’t really care. You want Jungkook. “Come here.” 

Jungkook leans down and gives your pussy a kiss before he hovers over on top of you. He almost stumbles when you palm him over his boxers. 

“Baby, you don’t have to,” Jungkook says, but he doesn’t really make a move to pry your hand away, just lets you squeeze over his balls, hissing in what seems like delight when you do so. 

“I want to.” You retort back, gripping him harder over his shorts. 

“Ah—shit. You wanna blow me?” 

“Later maybe, but right now… I want sex.” You say. 

“What?” 

Nodding your head, you don’t stop your ministrations on his dick. Just look at him seriously before you reiterate, “I want to have sex with you right now.” 

“You sure?” He confirms. 

He’s so sweet but you roll your eyes. “I’m sure.” 

“Yeah, okay—fuck. Damn.” Jungkook chuckles to himself as he grabs your wrist, effectively stopping you from palming him over his shorts. “Then stop doing that or I’ll cum in seven seconds when I’m finally in you.” 

You smile cheekily. “Take that off.” 

He doesn’t need to get told twice, just easily slides off his boxers and throws it to the heap on the floor. You stare at the shiny tip of his cock on his abdomen as Jungkook kneels in between your legs. When he leans down, you interlock your arms around his neck, letting out a soft moan when he goes for your jaw, kissing along down your neck, licking and nipping at the skin there. It doesn’t take long for him to grab your breasts, swearing under his breath when he gets them in his hands.

“God, these tits are gonna be the death of me.” Jungkook says, mouthing down along your cleavage before he takes a nipple in his mouth. He then alternates between sucking both nipples and fondling both tits, while you caress his hair through it. 

You love that he loves your breasts. You’ve always thought they look good. Other men have told you before – but you did have moments with Jungkook before you even dated when you caught him on different occasions staring at them sometimes when you wear those tube tops that make your boobs pop out. It’s cute because he always did a bad job trying to pretend that it didn’t affect him. 

“So pretty,” Jungkook mumbles, kissing a nipple one last time before finally going down your stomach. You hum at that, breathing heavily as he presses butterfly pecks all over there before he kneels in between your spread legs. 

You watch silently as he grips the base of his cock, pumping it a few times before he smiles down at you. 

“Are you sure? You don’t want me to eat you out again just so you can be more relaxed?” He asks; so considerate, so gentle. 

You nod your head, never been surer. “No, I’m fine. I can take it.” You look at his dick and you think it’d be challenging to fit him all in one-go — but you’re so wet – you even get wetter just by the sight of him. But Jungkook’s always been attractive, a good body with an equally handsome face to harmonize everything. 

Your anticipation grows when you see Jungkook directing his penis towards your entrance. He leans down, down, and down until—

“Shit.” Jungkook hisses. 

“What?” 

“I forgot the fucking condom,” Jungkook says with horror. When you meet his gaze with widened eyes, he runs a frustrated palm over his face. You think you’re too horny to think it was hot, above all else. “Fuck.” 

“Uhm, you don’t have anything stocked or… something.” You say, empathizing with Jungkook’s stressed demeanor right now. 

“No,” His voice actually sounds painful when he speaks. “I never — it’s been long since I — ah. I really wanted to have sex tonight.” Jungkook says, regretful tone filling his words. 

Nibbling on your bottom lip, you reach out for his arm. “I may have bought something at the store when I was going home?” 

His eyes light up quickly. “Really?” 

You feel heat creeping up your cheeks remembering how hesitant you were earlier about making a quick trip to the convenience store to buy some condoms. Listen – you assumed you would have sex tonight but not actually? 

“I, erm, only bought one though.” Because you weren’t expecting anything. You bought it as a joke – or not really? But you weren’t actually thinking about having sex tonight, assumed that you’d just be fooling around like the usual, but then Jungkook had a romantic dinner ready for you and he massaged your feet, and he was just so sweet and so handsome and so loving that—

“That’s fine.” Jungkook instantly says. “Where is it?” 

“In my bag. Living room.”

“Okay, I’ll get it real quick— just…” Jungkook looks down at his dick and then to you. “Just stay there, okay?” You nod. He leans down to kiss your forehead before he gets off you, butt naked as he crosses the room to head out. 

It’s a shame you don’t get longer than five seconds to appreciate Jungkook’s naked body in its glory – with his sculpted ass and the way he’s so ripped just right. You think about his tattoo up his thigh before he comes back. 

“Alright, spread your legs.” Are his first words when he dips on the mattress again. 

You roll your eyes but spread them anyway. Jungkook’s quick to grip your thighs and position himself in between. 

“Demanding, aren’t we? Like you don’t get all shy when you ask if you could cum on my boobs?” 

He grunts as he pumps his cock again, ripping the condom open with his teeth. “No goading when I get inside you. I’ll cum in three seconds and I really don’t want to.” 

You’re about to laugh when Jungkook inserts his fingers in you, massaging your hole, as if wanting to check if you’re still wet. You gasp when he takes out his fingers and licks the juices off his digits. Then, he comes down to level with your eyes. “You wanna put it on me?” Jungkook whispers, looking at the condom, searching for your eyes. 

Fuck. “Yes.” You take the foil from him and take the condom out of the package, getting up on your elbows so you can see him properly. You take his hard cock in your hand, then, pinching the tip of the condom lightly, you roll it down the length and give him a few more pumps before Jungkook takes your wrists and pins you down the mattress, hovering over you with a bit more of his weight now. 

“You’re such a good girl,” He says, kissing your forehead. “I’m gonna put it in, baby.” 

“Please.” You whisper against his mouth. 

Jungkook pecks your lips. “No need to beg for anything. I’ll give you everything you want.”

Then, you see him reach down until you feel the weight of his cock on your pussy. It’s tantalizingly slow when he pushes the tip inside, and you’re about to close your eyes when Jungkook speaks. 

“Don’t close your eyes, baby. Lemme see them. I wanna see how pretty they are when I’m inside you.” He says, cupping your cheek when he inserts more of him in your pussy. 

“God,” You sigh out, staring straight right into him as you feel him getting deeper. Your lips are parted as you look at Jungkook, and he’s equally just as fucked out and you haven’t even started yet. It’s crazy how you feel so full now but he’s not even entirely inside.

“Fuck, you’re so warm, baby– oh god,” Jungkook whispers against your ear, then he buries his face against your neck. “So fucking wet, too. Shit, I love you.”

“Kook,” you whine. “Don’t hold back. Put it in me.” 

“I know, I know– god, just– hold on–” He takes his face away from your neck and when he looks down at you, you both gasp when you feel him enter all the way. He feels so big and wide that you take ahold of his shoulders. “Ah, fuck…” 

“Y-you’re so big,” you say as Jungkook peppers kisses down your chin. He hums against your skin, hands rubbing over your shoulders before they settle on your breasts. “Oh god,” you moan when he begins fondling them.

“Stop clenching, fuck,” Jungkook whispers but you ignore it, squeezing your walls around his cock more, watching as his jaw tightens, veins popping on his arms as he keeps his cool. He kisses your lips. “Can I move baby?” You nod earnestly, and Jungkook bottoms out, sending you nearly whining at the loss of contact, but Jungkook comes back in quickly.

“Oh, Jungkook…” you mewl when he hits a particular spot, grabbing his hair when he repeats the motion again at your response. “There – fuck, it feels so good.” 

“Yeah?” Jungkook only lets half of his cock out before he enters you again, groaning when he hears you moan. “You’re so fucking pretty like this. So wet. So fucking warm around my cock. Fuck, you love this, baby? Am I doing well?” 

“Yes, yes” you nod your head. “You’re doing so well, Kook – ah, I love this. I love you.” 

It’s clear that Jungkook doesn’t expect to hear that as his hips stutter suddenly, breaking the gentle rhythm of his cock going in and out of you deliciously. His cock slips out and he stutters when he says, “Shit – I, I love you too– fuck,” He buries his face in your neck, reaching down his cock to slide it in you again. The pace of his thrust becomes faster and you’re just beginning to focus on the way he hits your spot almost perfectly when suddenly, you feel something wet in your neck.

“Goddamn it.” Jungkook hisses. You can feel the way he tries to continue the movements of his hips, but your confusion turns into worry when you caught a glimpse of Jungkook’s face and see that he’s–

“Kook, are you okay?” You quickly lean on your elbows as Jungkook completely slips out of you. He goes over to the side and takes the condom off, tying the rubber and throwing it in the bin nearby. He sighs and runs both his hands over his face, tucking his head down. You take a tentative crawl towards him. When he doesn’t make a move to pry your hand off his arm, you cup Jungkook’s face, seeing the stray tear on the apple of his cheek. 

He leans away from your touch. “I – fuck, I’m really fucking sorry. I came.” 

“You came?” You ask again.

He looks at you with shameful eyes as he nods. “I– I swear I last longer than that. I just– I’m just feeling a lot of things right now and I just love you so much and I can’t believe we’re both saying it now and I just—”

You shush him with your finger. “Jungkook, it’s fine.” 

“No it’s not—” 

“You cried and you came because I said I love you?” You cut him off. 

“I—” Jungkook avoids your eyes as he sighs again. “I got overwhelmed.” Then he looks at you back again with his big eyes. “But I swear I don’t cry during sex– that was the first time. And I didn’t even cry cry, just a bit because I—” 

“That’s honestly so hot. You’re so hot.” You say genuinely, but it makes Jungkook frown. 

“Are you teasing me? I apologize if—” 

You cut him off again because he genuinely seems to be going on a spiral. Pressing your mouth against his, you kiss him for a while before you break away. 

“I love you. I don’t care if you cried, or that you came early.” You smile at him. In fact, you actually feel yourself getting wetter at the thought. You’ve never had a partner who’s done that before – crying during sex, you mean. Also, you’ve always thought that it’d be hot if a man came quick because they couldn’t contain their attraction – and with Jungkook, who did it because he got so overwhelmed by you saying you love him… oh god. 

“I didn’t even make you cum. God. I feel stupid. I’m sorry– come lay on the bed, baby. I’ll eat you out.” Jungkook says, his hands already on your waist to guide you on your back but you shake your head. 

“Kook, it’s really fine. Believe me.” You quickly regret that because the looks he gives you is so sad. You gently cup his face again. “I mean– it’s fine because I want you in me again.” 

He looks dumbfounded. “But the condom…” 

You lick your bottom lip before you say, “Can you pull out? I’m on the pill… and I’m clean. Are you?” 

“I– yeah– yes. I’m clean. I’ve never been with anybody for almost seven months.”

You blink at him. “Oh.” 

Jungkook shyly looks away. “I… yeah.” 

Slowly, you nod. “Can we do it then? I’ve actually never – uh – tried it without a condom. But I trust you.” 

He stares at you as he shakes his head. “Me neither. And I trust you too.” 

You feel nervous about your suggestion but as you look at Jungkook, all your inhibitions get thrown away. 

“So… do you want to?” 

“God– it’s like you’re trying to kill me here,” Jungkook chuckles, rubbing a hand over his face. “Don’t blame me if I cum early again, okay?” 

You chuckle, already making your way towards his lap. Straddling him, you wrap your arms around his neck, giving him a quick kiss. 

“Didn’t blame you the first time. And again, you were so hot when you did that.” 

“I’m actually embarrassed but no– I won’t cum early anymore and I’m not crying this time. I’ll make you cum this time.” Jungkook pinches your waist.

“I have to tell you something, though,” You say. 

Jungkook quickly turns serious. “What is it?” 

“I don’t actually… I don’t really cum from penetrative sex all the time.” You fumble a little with the hair on his nape. 

He nods. “I’ll try to make you cum then.” 

“I’m serious. Just… uh… Some guys really take that personally. But I just don’t want to disappoint you or anything like that when it doesn’t actually happen. I’m telling you now.” 

Jungkook nods again and he looks so understanding and gentle as kisses you. 

“We’ll just enjoy each other.” 

Were his last words before you make out on the bed. The kiss involves heavy petting as usual until you couldn’t take it anymore, positioning yourself better on his lap. Jungkook relaxes his back in the headboard as he grips your hip, helping you position his hard cock along your center. 

You both gasp in each other’s mouths as you sink down on him. You do it arduously slow that Jungkook clenches his jaw and grips your hips harder as you fall. He swears under his breath, inhaling a sharp breath when you fully sit on him. You’re not any better – Jungkook seems to just grow bigger and bigger and with no latex around his length, it feels like he’s about to split you open.

“A-ah– oh, fuck– so big, oh my god,” You furrow your brows as you try to get accustomed to the feeling of his unsheathed cock in you. Like this, it’s like you feel every ridge of the base, every vein, every edge.

And Jungkook seems to be just as lost in the warm cavern of your pussy. Your walls clenching around him like a vice as you come down slowly, little by little, until you fully sit on him, the both of you moaning in unison when you feel all of him slipping in.

Jungkook grabs your neck and pulls your face down to him so you can make out. Meanwhile, you take your time to relax first before you pull yourself up again, only letting half of Jungkook slide before you push back into him again.

“Fuck, baby, you’re doing so well,” Jungkook rasps, marveling at the way your breasts bounce at your movements.

It takes you a few seconds to feel ready, but soon, you begin to repeat the action of pushing up and down on him, until you’re finally bouncing on his dick which sends you both into a delirious pleasure that includes you moaning uncontrollably and Jungkook gripping every part of your bare skin you’re sure he’d leave marks the next day. 

Your moans turn into a cascade when Jungkook begins thrusting back with a force you craved – and you never pegged him to be vocal but the sounds of it play like music to your ears as you start sliding in and out of his cock. Your breasts bounce to the rhythm of the sex, back arching, head thrown back as you both give into the pure heat and lust. 

What you don’t expect is Jungkook suddenly stilling his hips.

“Fuck– I really wanna fuck you, baby. Can you get on your hands and knees? For me, hm?” He gently whispers over your face. 

Too fucked out to care or make a smart comment, you quickly get off his lap to plant yourself on all fours on the bed. Jungkook gets off his initial position before you feel his presence behind you. 

Looking back, you mewl at the sight of him aligning his dick with your center before you choke on your own moan when Jungkook inserts himself in you. 

This time his pace is a little more different, it’s faster – can only make sense for men like him who put their stamina to good use. Jungkook grips your hips as he thrusts his cock in you, pulling out only a little before slamming his hips against your ass again. He repeats this motion again and again, reveling at the sight of your ass jiggling at every moment.

“So damn good. Fuck– can fuck you all day. Make love to you whenever– ah, shit, you’re perfect.”

You look back to see Jungkook just as fucked out as you feel. The veins on his forearms match the ones on his neck, and the sheen of sweat drops to your skin the same time when the harsh skin-slapping sounds reverberate in the room. 

Slowly, you feel the coil in your stomach tightening, and you’re just about to slide your hand to your pussy but Jungkook beats you to it with quickness – huge palms cupping your heat before he flicks his thumb over your clit. 

Then, while his hard cock continues to torment you with pleasure, he leans forward so that you feel his lips brushing over your ear when he says, “Gonna cum?” 

You look back to see his eyes. So full of adoration for you. “I think I’m gonna – just– keep going,” 

Jungkook kisses your mouth as he picks up his pace, his thumb moving faster against your clit, heightening the stimulation that you feel. 

Maybe it’s the way he’s all over you. His naked chest against your back, his unsheathed cock pumping in and out of your pussy, his hands gripping your hip tight and keeping you in your place like it’s nothing, his thumb flicking your clit expertly like he’s now memorized exactly how to touch you because he’s always so eager, his tongue circling your own as you breath against each other’s mouth, muffling each other’s moan – you feel it simultaneously and you don’t help the way your orgasm hit you, making you cry out in pleasure. 

“Fucking hell–  christ—” Jungkook speeds up his pace, keeping his hand in your pussy before he pulls out completely. “I-I’ll cum on your back.” 

“Yes please,” you say, desperate for something. “Oh, god, please, please—”

You feel the weight of Jungkook’s cock in between the cleft of your ass and you both moan in unison when his hot cum shoots the surface of your back, making you arch in added pleasure. 

“Fuuck,” Jungkook says in a long, drawl-out moan, his hand pumping his wet cock as your ragged breathing filling the room. 

You fall on your front in exhaustion, picking yourself up to slightly lean on your side. Jungkook slides up next to you shortly, on his side while he moves his arm under your head, grabs your hip until you’re close again.

“You good, baby?” He takes your hair and moves them to the side so he can kiss his way up your ear, hand returning to your hip just as quickly and thumb rubbing soothingly over the skin. 

You nod weakly, eyes still close as you hum.

“You always look so beautiful, but even more gorgeous like this,” he whispers, bites the tip of your ear which makes you keen. Then, his fingers travel their way down, until you feel him prodding in between your legs. 

“Ah…” you moan when he runs his fingers over your pussy, still wet from your orgasm earlier. “Kook…” 

“Yeah?” 

“Tired.” Is what you say, but you spread your legs a little more so he can have access.

Jungkook kisses your cheek. “Can I have one more, baby? Please? Just like this?” He inserts two digits in your hole and begins pumping them in and out, the sound of squelching so lewd. “Won’t have to move at all. I’ll take care of you.” 

You crane your neck to look at him, only to meet his gaze as he’s already looking at you. 

“Okay.” Jungkook smiles before he dives in for a kiss. 

He fingers you for a while, feeling entranced at the way your pussy receives him with so much slick he just easily slides right in. Soon, you feel him reaching for his dick behind you, pushing the slick head into your entrance. His arm holds your thigh mid-air so he can thrust his way in and out without much constraint. 

It’s soft and gentle the way he does it this time, cock so hard in your walls you feel every ridge of it as it reaches the depths of your sweet spots. You plant a palm on his abdomen as you take in his passionate thrusts, feeling feverish as seconds go by. 

“Kiss me,” you say in bated breaths. “Kiss me, Jungkook.” 

He doesn’t waste any second before he plants his lips on you again, and soon after, you’re panting in each other’s mouth as he continues to thrust, grunting at the way you clench around him like a vice. 

“I love you, __– fuck, love you, love you—” 

“I love you, too,” you whine when he hits deeper at your declaration. “Oh god, so close, Kook,” You close your eyes to focus on the sensation and it’s not long before you feel your pussy gush with so much wetness that you let out a choked sob. 

“That’s it, baby, cum for me,” Jungkook says as he keeps on thrusting still, milking more of your cum, letting your thigh go so he can squeeze your squished boobs. He runs his hand over your body, landing on your ass to fondle it. “Such a sweet girl. You’re so fucking wet. I love you.”

He slips his dick out, quick to cover your pussy with his palm instead so your cum doesn’t leak out. You don’t get enough time to process things before Jungkook suddenly leaves your side, his hands taking hold of your hips to manhandle you on your back this time. He moves right over near the edge, holds your knees to spread your legs, and eats you out fervently. 

You gasp, hands automatically reaching for his head to grab his hair. “Jesus fuck– oh my god,” 

Jungkook hums against you pussy, tongue lapping up at you like your cunt’s his favorite meal. 

And maybe it’s because you’re still sensitive from cumming just a few seconds ago – but there’s a coil in your stomach you feel breaking up when Jungkook suddenly flicks your clit with his tongue in that pace that’s just so good and fast – and there, you feel yourself letting go for the third time that night. 

“Oh my god, oh my god,” You exhale as you feel your pussy spasm at the action, thighs attempting to close around him, but Jungkook’s grip is firm on your thigh. He laps up the wetness that comes out of your hole, licking at it obscenely you quite literally hear a sound of slurping before he comes back up. 

Kneeling between your legs, Jungkook grips the base of his cock, pumps it a few times, before his cum shoots to your stomach, some of it landing on your boobs. 

“Yes, yes, cum for me, baby,” You say as you reach out for his hand. Jungkook interlocks your fingers as he falls on top of you, landing right on your chest. 

He doesn’t waste the opportunity to lick your nipple, hand caressing your stomach before he scoops up his cum to spread it over a boob. 

“God,” You inhale a sharp breath. “No more, baby, no more.”

Jungkook hums. He sounds laxed when he speaks, “Can’t believe I’m yours.”

You chuckle, hands reaching for his hair to caress it. Jungkook snuggles closer to your chest, hand on your waist this time. 

“You better believe it, ‘cause I’m yours too.” 

“Yeah? I love you.” 

You chuckle. “I love you.” 

Suddenly, Jungkook picks his face up to look at you. His brows are knitted, looking serious. 

“I really love you. I want you to know that. I’m so thankful you gave me a chance. Just… thank you. For loving me back. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it.” 

You smile at him gently and cup his cheek. “You don’t need to thank me at all, Jungkook. I love you. You’re the most important person in my life. I love you because you’re you and I care about you deeply.” 

Jungkook smiles in that boyish way you like so much, but you see the tips of his ear turning red. He gets off on top of you to lay on your side. You face him and snuggle the arm that he lays out for you. 

“That was pretty insane sex, by the way,” You say, giggling. 

“Yeah. I think you broke my dick.” Jungkook snorts. “I’m glad you came, though. You’ve never done that before with vaginal penetration?” 

You shake your head. “No. I– hm… I actually think so much during sex and that’s why I have a hard time focusing when I’m in the position… but it’s not like I can’t come from penetration entirely, I cum when the guy touches my clit or something – but yeah, that earlier, was definitely the first time.” 

Jungkook smiles down at you and can’t help but peck your lips. You look so beautiful with your flushed out state he can’t help it. 

“Fucking without a condom and cumming from my dick alone – I’m taking a lot of your first times, huh?” He says with a lilt of a teasing tone. 

You squint your eyes at him.

“Don’t get a big head.” 

“I have quite the big head actually.” Is his quick response before you groan. You slap at his chest which only makes him laugh, failing to stop you from rolling onto the different side of the bed. 

You sit on the mattress, planting your feet on the floor, ready to stand up when suddenly, you feel your muscles tightening.

“Geez.”

“Want help?” Jungkook says from behind you. You can’t see him, but you already know he has a smarmy smirk on his face. 

There’s a snarky remark on the tip of your tongue but you decide – what the hell? He did this to you. He might as well take care of the consequences. 

“Carry me to the bathroom. I can’t walk in this state.” You look at him with a frown on your face.

Jungkook just laughs before he stands up on his own. Quite gracefully, might you add – as if he didn’t just make you cum three times and came himself the same number of times as well. When he gets in front of you, you thought he’d carry you normally like your request, but you squeal in surprise when he suddenly lifts you up against him and plants you across his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. 

You don’t even bother to voice out a protest when he slaps your ass lightly, heading out of his room to go to the bathroom. 

“We need to have a discussion on your not very discreet way of showing strength. I think you do it purposefully.” You say, rolling your eyes. 

“Took you long enough to find out?” Jungkook chuckles. He opens the door to the bathroom, putting you down gently on the tiles. 

“I hate myself for thinking it’s hot, to be honest,” you shrug, settling yourself on the toilet. “Turn around. I’m peeing.” 

Jungkook deadpans. “Really? After what we did?” 

You whine. “Having sex and peeing in front of your partner are very different kinds of activities.” 

He rolls his eyes but turns around anyway. You momentarily admire his sculpted ass and back as he does so while you start to pee. It’s still awkward ‘cause he can still hear you pissing… but at the same time… it’s not really? 

Have you always felt this comfortable around him?

“I work out so I can carry you, by the way.” Jungkook says when you finish. 

“Sure,” you chuckle, shaking your head when he just slaps your ass as he walks past you when it’s his turn to piss. “I’ll start the shower.” 

He hums as you go your way inside the confined space. It’s not long after Jungkook joins you. He turns on the shower and you both bask in the cold. Turning your back to him, you’re about to get your shampoo when Jungkook suddenly presses his body against you. 

Wrapping his arm around your waist, he tucks his chin under the juncture between your neck and shoulder, planting a kiss there before saying, “About to have the best shower of my life.” 

You chuckle. “We are not having shower sex, Jungkook. And I just came three times.” 

He scoffs. “I wasn’t even thinking about sex.” 

Turning around, you look pointedly between his semi and his eyes. With a raised brow, you ask dryly. “Really?” 

Jungkook groans before he takes your shampoo bottle. He squirts a generous amount on his fingers before he lathers it over your head. 

“Ignore my dick. He just wants attention.” 

You laugh but then Jungkook’s soothing fingers begin to massage your scalp, washing your hair in comfortable silence. Not even complaining about why you have so much hair. In return, you lather his head with his shampoo as well, letting him sit on the corner bench inside the shower so you can aid the height difference. He holds your waist as he gives your stomach butterfly kisses while you wash his hair, giggling above him because he wouldn’t stop doing it and it tickled, but soon after you lather each other’s body with your body wash – with Jungkook asking for yours as well because he’s always liked it, he said. 

There might have been some heavy petting by the lavatory when you were patting yourselves dry, but other than that, the night is peaceful when you go to your room to finally sleep – collectively deciding against Jungkook’s because the sheets are ruined and you’re both too tired to change them.

With Jungkook behind you, you press yourself much closer against him. 

“I love you.” you say, smiling to yourself. Now that you’ve said it, it seems like you can’t stop saying it altogether. It’s quite… crazy. But you feel good about it. 

You don’t expect the silence that follows though. 

Rustling in your bed, you look behind you, only you see Jungkook dozing off with his parted lips. Then you hear soft snores coming out of his mouth.

You chuckle. You go back to your sleeping position with Jungkook spooning you from behind. 

For as long as you can remember, you've always been a hopeless romantic. The girl who’s always dreamt of cheesy encounters with her soulmate, grand love declarations, and a cute little beach wedding to boot. 

But reality pretty much slapped you hard right on the face, because love, unfortunately, doesn’t come grand — it’s simple and it’s quiet, but it is quite painful – especially when the love that you’ve been seeking for all your adult life has just been right under your nose all this time.

But those were past hurt. 

It may have taken you long to get to this point, but you’re here now to savor every waking moment you get to spend time with Jungkook.

The future awaits you with pink blossoming in your heart and more.

PART ONE | TWO

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THE LOVE PROGNOSIS, fin. — JJK (m.)

for as long as you can remember, you’ve always been a hopeless romantic.

the girl who’s always dreamt of cheesy encounters with her soulmate, grand love declarations, and a cute little beach wedding to boot. but reality pretty much slaps you hard right on the face, because love, unfortunately, doesn’t come grand — it’s simple and it’s quiet, but it is quite painful, especially when the love that you’ve been seeking for all your adult life has just been right under your nose all this time.

PAIRING jungkook x female reader // mingyu x female reader

GENRE r18+ (angst, fluff, smut) MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

CHAPTER WORD COUNT 43.2k idcccccc atp😭 take ur time!

CHAPTER WARNINGS/MISC medical!au, roommates!au, surgeon!jk, surgeon!reader (they are both 4th year residents and are co-workers), corporate lawyer!mingyu, oc and jk are bffs since med school but their love language is fighting each other <3, jk and mingyu are bffs during undergrad, hopeless romantic!oc. dont read further warnings if u dont wanna be spoiled: ANGST. im aware i kinda overkilled it here but uh.. hear me out! explicit sexual content [ male mast*rbation, oral s*x (f&m receiving), making out, dry h*mping, penetr*tive s*x (protected and unprotected, missionary, cowgirl, doggy, spooning), a bit of c*mplay, jk <3 boobs, ily kink (redacted) cries during sex lol ]. FLUFFy fluff fluffff 😖 some of the scenes give very much like 2000s romcom vibes but idc sue me also theres a #merder reference ifykyk

NOTES we have finally reached the end! sorry it took me a month to get this out sjdfhd but its here and its long as fuck n im so proud of this and happy that i finished a series!! for once!!! will always love my silly tlp couple and the characters 🥹 let me know ur thoughts on my inbox oki and circulate by liking and reblogging if u enjoyed reading hihi ty ok bye enjoy reading!🫵🏼🫵🏼 [ important: pls make sure to read the note below ]

[ SERIES MASTERLIST ] // [ MAIN MASTERLIST ]

A day passed since the fiasco at the villa happened and Jungkook and you have acted like total strangers since then. The rest of your friends easily took notice of it; the silence between you two on the ride to the airport, the not-so discreet way you avoided each other at the waiting area, even going as far as exchanging seats inside the plane when on any other day, you two didn’t mind being close together physically. 

Jungkook knows absolutely that the avoidance is doing you both a disservice. You’re both grown adults and going to extreme lengths to ignore each other – like not even looking at the other when you bump in the hospital hallways – is a one-way ticket to your relationship’s foundations crumbling. 

That thought terrified Jungkook so much that he decided to come clean tonight. Talk to you properly when his mind is cleared and there was no Mingyu to aggravate his thoughts and project actions he’s not necessarily proud of – because the fight was juvenile, he knows that. Him committing and giving in to violence is not something he wants you to see, no matter the context. You were right when you said that was not him, and Jungkook can’t have you thinking otherwise.

When he steps in front of your apartment door, he thinks if you’re already there. He isn’t entirely sure. You two haven’t seen each other at the hospital and you haven’t been texting him either.  You might still be doing your rounds, he thought, but when he opens the door to your unit and trudges his feet to the living room, he catches a sight of you going out from your bedroom.

The two of you freeze upon seeing each other, but Jungkook’s surprise soon turns into confusion when he notices the carry-on luggage in your hand.

“Oh, you’re here,” You utter, filling the silence in the air. “I was just going.” 

“Where?” Jungkook instantly asks, taking you both by surprise. 

But you quickly recover. You give him a small smile – but what Jungkook clearly sees is a wince.  

“I’m going over to my sister’s,” You must’ve seen the way Jungkook’s boring holes at your pink luggage, and so you take a glance at it momentarily, tugging on the handle to scoot it over closer to your side. You clear your throat. “I’m staying there for a while.” 

Jungkook feels a certain weight drop on his shoulders, his lips parting at your declaration. 

“__, i-if this is about what I said, you don’t have to leave—”

You cut him off quickly. “No. It’s not that. I just… I just need some time away.”

Even though he doesn’t like the implication, he gets you.

Blinking, he thinks what to say next. Jungkook doesn’t want to say the wrong words – he’s well aware of the fact that he's put his foot in his mouth back at the resort, and he’s not fucking up the second time around. 

While he intended to talk to you tonight to address the elephant between you two, he also understands completely why you need time for yourself. It was too much. He told you a lot of things and he can’t expect you to process all of them in a single day.  

So, he nods, still stricken, heart heavy when he looks at you again. “Okay.” 

“Okay.” You repeat, voice a little louder than him. A pregnant pause, and you’re pulling up the handle of your luggage again, the wheels gliding on the floorboards as you begin to head towards the door to your apartment.

Jungkook doesn’t mean to sound so alarmed when he suddenly blurts out, “Now?” 

He doesn’t even know why. It was the obvious. You’ve packed your things – you’re heading out. But he couldn’t stop himself. It’s like there’s a sense of fear clouding his mind the more this moment of you leaving stretches out further.

You stop on your tracks, blinking at him. “Y-yeah?” 

“Oh.” Jungkook feels his hand itching to do something. Something stupid like grab your wrist gently to make you stay. 

But he knows that’s futile. He doesn’t have the right to make you stay if you don’t want to in the first place. 

“Seokjin’s actually coming in a few minutes,” you tell him, glancing at your phone. “My sister’s still at work, so she made him pick me up.” 

Jungkook can only give you a nod.

It makes sense for your brother-in-law to come pick you up. It also makes sense for you to stay over their place considering that their apartment isn’t that far from the hospital and you won’t have a hard time commuting to work if you planned to stay there for a little while. 

He wonders, though, why you aren’t staying at Doyeon’s instead… he doesn’t know if you’ve talked already, but from what it seems, you aren’t talking to the rest of your friends, either; judging by the way he hasn’t seen you together with any of them at the hospital. Taehyung had suggested that maybe you just need time, to which Doyeon and Nayeon agreed to. Jungkook can’t help but feel bad, though. You’re seemingly coming out isolated at the end of his own doing. If you’re avoiding your friends just because of him, that would be extremely unfair to you. Taehyung, Doyeon and Nayeon are just as much as your friends as they are his, and during these times, you should feel comfortable taking solace in their friendship like how he’s leaning on them currently.

Guilt washes over him at the thought. He can’t bear thinking about you hurting in the process of all of this. He just wants so badly to make it up to you, for you both to be okay again. You didn’t even have to acknowledge what he said – about him being in love with you. You could totally ignore it and act like it never happened, go on about your days like nothing changed as long as you’re by his side.

It hurts. It hurts that even when you’re just physically within his reach right now, he can’t seem to get a hold of you. And he has no one to blame but himself. 

A phone rings and Jungkook watches as you fish out your device from your pockets. 

“Must be Jin.” you say, picking up the call. You exchange a few words with your brother-in-law for a few seconds before hanging up and looking at him again. “He’s outside already.” 

Jungkook nods, biting back the words that consist of something stupid like “don’t leave”. 

“Your car…?” He hesitates, remembering how you’d drive to work. 

“It broke again yesterday. I’m actually… uh… thinking of just selling it. Get it over with.”

Your car. You mentioned your parents have turned it over to you during your junior year in college. It always broke in the most inconvenient times – like the one time you had a bad date, and you panicked-texted him about the car towing company not picking up. It was a Sunday and Jungkook was supposed to go over some paper works, but he scrambled out of his room to get you – and he didn’t regret it one bit because you were actually crying the moment he arrived. You had been overstimulated, what with another failed date and your broken car – it was all too much. And you just needed Jungkook to be there. You told him so. 

Jungkook cherishes those moments a lot. Not because you cried in them – he always felt like it was a punch to the gut whenever he sees you even an ounce of upset – but because it tells him that you trust him with that vulnerable side of you. It means he’s important enough to you to let him in your life. It’s one of those moments where Jungkook truly steps back to reevaluate your relationship – because sure, it could be merely friendship to anybody, but Jungkook doesn’t really think so. Your bond runs deeper than friendship, and he doesn’t even mean romantic. It’s the… camaraderie. The partnership.

He could’ve confessed a long time ago – that’s what people kept saying, but what they don’t know is that he has so much to lose. You are more than just the woman he would love to kiss and make love to or call his girlfriend – you’re the love of his life, you’re everything to him. And if he can’t have you in any way, he’d truly break. 

And now that everything’s said and done – with him finally baring his truth to you – it’s come to this.

You, leaving.

The silence that follows pricks Jungkook’s skin like needles, and the creak of your steps on the floorboards ring in his ears – a daunting harsh whisper of your farewell – although it’s just temporary. 

But something worries him. 

What if it’s not temporary? What if during your stay at your sister’s place, you decide to completely get rid of his company for the good and better? 

It’s all those frantic thoughts that urges him to call your name, but he doesn’t expect your voice overlapping with his as you say his name at the same time. 

Jungkook’s lips curl up slightly. “What is it?” 

Predictably, you wave your hand at him. “No, you first.”

“It’s okay.” 

Your hand hovers over the handle of your suitcase as you pass by him, stopping on the threshold of your apartment. “I just…” you trail off. You look at Jungkook for a moment. “I just wanted to say bye. And uh… that… I drank all your banana milk in the fridge. But I’ll wire you the money later. Or buy you another batch and I’ll give it to you at the hospital or—”

Jungkook cuts you off by calling out your name, broken by a laugh of amusement. His first smile today, maybe. You look at him wide-eyed. It’s fascinating the way you have him completely wrapped around your finger and you’re not even doing anything.

“It’s fine. You don’t need to wire me anything.” 

“Oh... well, I’m still sorry.” He nods, giving you a small smile. “What was it you wanted to tell me, then?” 

Right now, he forgets what it was even all about. “Just, uh, please tell your sister and Seokjin hyung I said hi.”  

Jungkook doesn’t want to delude himself into thinking that your face flashed a look of disappointment for the briefest moment after he said the words. At the back of his mind, he thinks you were expecting more – but he knows he’s reaching, grasping for straws, and he’s just desperate for anything from you he can’t really rationalize his line of thinking. 

So with a final wave of your hand – a bit timid – you turn around and open the door to your unit, and Jungkook watches as your form disappears completely, leaving him stoned in his position in the middle of the living room for a long time; head empty, body numb, until he gathers time to collect himself and finally move over to the bathroom, where he takes a cold shower in hopes for an improved mood.

It didn’t really do anything, and he found himself having a hard time sleeping – waking up randomly during the wee hours of the morning.

When he stirs awake from his blaring alarm at 5:30, he’s nothing but adrift.

It feels weird when he goes to the kitchen and he doesn’t see you, as he expects you to be there in whatever worn up shirt from high school you still have, making toast or some quick breakfast – with your playlist playing from your phone – but you weren’t. 

And Jungkook remembers that would be the case for another few days to come. Something he has to be okay with.

For the meantime.

He hopes.   

Jungkook doesn’t get drunk often, but now, his friends are assuming he is. For the record, though, he is not drunk and they are just exaggerating. Sure, he’s staggering and he’s mixing up his syllables and grammar – but he swears he just feels a little woozy.

“Jungkook,” Doyeon calls him, laughing a bit. “Come on, Taehyung’s driving you home.” 

“Don’t want to,” He says as he takes another swig of his fifth canned beer he’s been consuming since they all arrived at the barbecue place. “I can handle my alcohol.”

Which — fair. That’s not new news. But still—

“No shit, you have a shift tomorrow at eleven in the morning. Don’t be stubborn. It’s time to go home.” 

“It’s fine, I’ll Uber back.” 

Jungkook watches as Doyeon rolls her eyes. 

“Are you really moping right now?” 

He sends her a glare – one that she predictably does not take seriously. “‘M not moping. You’re moping.” 

“And I’m Kate Bush. Taehyung, can you just drag Jungkook out of here? I think he’s gonna cry any minute now and the auntie is closing. We gotta go.” Nayeon butts in, and even though her words may seem harsh around the edges, she looks at Jungkook with a concerned gaze. The playful atmosphere from earlier now dissipating.

Jungkook appreciates the warmth that he gets from Nayeon’s gentle approach to everything – but right now, all it does is make him feel pitiful. Doyeon’s right. He is moping. Moping for something that should’ve been within his control in the first place.

“Man, you know you bench way more than me. I can’t carry you out all by myself if you’re all drunk and shit.” Taehyung nudges him on the shoulder, enough to make Jungkook move from his seat. He only grumbles.

Doyeon sighs. “What do you want, Jungkook? Call __? Tell her you’re getting wasted and come pick you up?” 

Jungkook visibly flinches at the mention of you.

Ever since they arrived at the restaurant, Jungkook has noticed that his friends have been deliberately omitting your name in the conversation – until now, anyway. He thinks they all planned this spontaneous hang to “cheer him up” or whatever the fuck Taehyung said on their way here – which seemed like a slip-up, because Doyeon had hit the back of his head lightly right after saying it. 

They’re walking on eggshells around him like he’s some kind of house of cards – one nudge and a blow and he comes crumbling down.

Jungkook hates getting doted on like this. It’s not like you two broke up. They just knew that you went to stay at your sister’s place for a while and you never said when you’re coming back. He hasn’t had any encounters with you at the hospital nowadays – you’re getting good at hiding from him and the rest of the gang, and every single day bleeds into countless sleepless nights. You’ve been gone for five days; no calls, or at least a text. And it seems like you deactivated your IG. You aren’t tweeting or reblogging shit on Twitter as well. You’ve gone completely silent – and with every waking moment that Jungkook spends a day without your presence, it feels like you’re slowly slipping through his fingers.

“No.” he glares at the three of them. Standing up, he feels his vision dancing at the sudden action.

Well. Maybe he is sort of drunk. A little. 

“Hey, man, let’s go.” Taehyung ushers once again. This time, Jungkook acquiesces but with a groan. Nonetheless, he lets Taehyung wrap his arm around him to prevent him from tripping on his own feet.

When Jungkook manages to stand firm on the ground, he shuts his eyes tight to get a hold of himself and once again look at Doyeon and Nayeon who are still sitting by the table. With a confused expression, he asks, “Thought we’re all going?” 

“Minhyuk will pick me up.” Nayeon says. Jungkook nods, directing his gaze to Doyeon.

“Somebody’s picking me up, too,” When Jungkook squints his eyes at her, she rolls her eyes. “Don’t start. Tae, drive safely, okay? You didn’t drink, right?” 

Taehyung shakes his head and gives both women a reassuring nod before they head out of the building when goodbyes were bid, with Taehyung still pressing a hand on Jungkook’s back because he’s still a bit unstable on his feet. It’s not bad, though, Jungkook doesn’t think so. He just feels dizzy and shit, but it’s not anything water can’t solve.

Fuck, now he wants to get in bed as soon as possible. After a cold shower. 

“Sorry, man.” he says as he plops down on the passenger’s seat, buckling the seatbelt around himself. 

Taehyung comfortably settles on the driver’s seat, adjusting the rearview mirror a bit before starting the engine. But not after he responded to Jungkook with a snort, “It’s fine.” 

It’s a quiet car ride and Jungkook can already feel his eyelids threatening to fall, the haze of sleep already clouding his mind. He can’t recall how far it takes from the restaurant to his complex, but soon enough, Taehyung’s voice wakes him up from his stupor. 

“You okay there?” 

Jungkook hums, leaning back to relax his nerves. A minute flies and he sighs loudly, making Taehyung look at him momentarily.

“Don’t sleep on me. Again, I am not willing to carry you all the way to your apartment, fucker.”

That makes Jungkook laugh, a snicker escaping past his lips. It makes Taehyung do the same, scoffing at his friend as he did so. The car ride continues into a stretched-out comfortable silence before Taehyung breaks it with a question of, “You two still haven’t talked?” 

Jungkook stiffens at the mention, and he knows his friend notices the way he did, but he quickly tries to shake it off. “Yeah. She’s still at her sister’s.” Taehyung nods. When Jungkook looks at him, he decides to ask, “What ‘bout you? She reached out yet?” 

“No.”

Jungkook inhales a sharp breath. 

This is bad. You’re ignoring all your friends because of him. 

“Sorry.” Jungkook says after a pregnant pause.

“What for?”

“Dunno. Feels like it’s all my fault,” a sigh escapes past his lips again. “You guys don’t deserve to get caught up in this.”

“Jungkook,” There’s a lilt to Taehyung’s voice that reminds Jungkook again that the man beside him is older than he is and sometimes, Taehyung can be way more mature, almost like an older brother. He forgets their age difference most of the time. “Don’t say that.  __ just needs her time. She’ll come around.”

The smile Jungkook gives his way is bitter but it’s a smile, nonetheless.

“I don’t know, Tae,” He leans his head back on the seat, staring at nothing in particular. “It’s different this time.”

“You’ve fought before,” Taehyung points out. “How is this different?” 

Jungkook does know what he’s trying to point out. He may be referring to the time in third year of med school when you didn’t talk to him for a month – but still. This, right now – whatever is happening – is far from what happened back then.

“Just different,” He shrugs, a poor attempt at nonchalance so Taehyung doesn’t think he’s being pathetic. “I feel like this is it.” Taehyung looks at him curiously when the red light turns on. It makes Jungkook squirm, but he voices out what he feels, anyway. “I’m losing her.”

That felt weird the moment it slips his tongue. For the past few days, it’s been in his head – making up the mess of his thoughts. When he said that, for once, it felt like finality. Like its verbalization actually made it real. 

He does feel like he’s losing you. And it feels like the absolute truth.

“You can’t say that when you haven’t even talked to her, Jungkook,” Taehyung says and he says it so firmly. When Jungkook studies the older guy’s face, it’s etched with sincerity, especially when he adds, “Do you really think she’ll let go of an almost decade-long relationship just because of what happened? Frankly speaking, even if she does not feel the same way about you at all, I know her enough to know that she’ll have at least the decency to let you down properly. I think she’s just trying to think all of this through. She’ll talk when her head’s clear.” 

Jungkook finds himself processing his words. You are exactly like that. You’re the type of person to need your personal space when you’re confronted by huge predicaments. When he thinks about it – you have so much on your plate. Mingyu, him, your relationship with each of them; Jungkook realizes things must be so hard for you right now, both emotionally and physically. And you’re dealing with all this while still showing up for your rotations.

“You’re right.” Jungkook whispers. 

“Just… time, okay? You both need time.” Taehyung says and for once, Jungkook smiles a genuine one. 

The light turns green, and Taehyung continues to drive. 

Taehyung decided to turn up his jazz playlist and it eased Jungkook’s mind a bit. But it did lull him to sleep all the way to his apartment complex. Thankfully though, it only took Taehyung a few seconds of nudging him before he stirred awake, disoriented when he opened his eyes only to hear his friend say they were already there, ushering him out of his car. 

He said his thanks to Taehyung, and his friend made sure to tell him to take it easy before he took off. When he was gone, Jungkook went straight to the elevator to press his floor, mind and body working on autopilot as he sauntered over the hallway to stop in front of his unit.

When the door opens, he feels a sense of calmness at the sight of his own place with everything at his disposal including the bathroom that he quickly head towards, not hesitating to strip himself naked on the way to the shower, letting his clothes form a heap on the threshold; bare and naked without a care in the world.

Stepping into the shower box, he turns the showerhead on, hissing at the cold water spraying onto his skin. He needed the cold to get rid of his sluggishness – and it works just as instantly as he’d hoped. 

Both of his hands shoot up to brush his hair off his forehead, and he stays in that position for awhile; with the water running on his body and his head leaned back a bit, eyes closed as he relaxes. 

He mindlessly reaches for his shampoo bottle, but when he opens the cap, he smells a completely different product. What welcomes him when he opens his eyes back again is the familiar sight of Bath and Body works bottle. Your water lily springs body wash.

Despite his current headspace, it brings a smile to Jungkook’s lips.

Right.

He’s noticed in the past few days that you left it in your shared bathroom. Considering all the things that you still have around the apartment, it didn’t really look like you packed a lot of things when you left – which should ease Jungkook’s mind. Still, though; the small size of your luggage and the quantity of what you brought with you do not matter when you still aren’t home. 

And with that, Jungkook feels himself slipping back into… mulling again. And he can’t help but heave out a sigh. 

He just… wants to rest for tonight. Just wants his head emptied out. Relax. He feels like he’s been on edge for the longest of time and he just needs some sort of – he’s not sure – comfort? Maybe something along the lines? 

And as if his hand has a mind on its own, he grips the bottle of your body wash and squirts an ample amount on his palm, the scent of water lily springs surrounding the confined space of the shower immediately. 

He lathers it all over his chest, inhaling the gentle waft and how it weirdly calms him from the inside. The room smells just like you. He smells just like you. And it isn’t the first time he’s doing this – he’s always liked the way you smelled, and he may have used your body wash by accident countless of times. Jungkook sometimes does it just to tease you – because you always point it out when you notice that he smells the same, and then you get all irritated and it makes Jungkook keen because you’re just so goddamn cute when you glare at him and when you get mean. Teasing you also means that you’d get mad enough to sulk at him, and that gives him the opportunity to make it up to you; and making it up to you means he gets all of your attention. 

It’s pathetic but Jungkook’s not ashamed to admit that – just to himself, though. He likes when you give him attention, can you blame him?

His mind goes back to the memory of you cuddling with him on the ground at that random playground near your complex, how you snuggled up to his arm, giggling and threatening him to stop using your body wash. He remembers all the times you would cook together on nights when you’re both free – lounging on the couch mindlessly, either watching a show and debating over useless, stupid stuff – or when you would force him to rub your foot or massage your neck. Jungkook doesn’t relent until after you complain for a good five minutes. He’s gotten better at pretending overtime that he doesn’t look forward to touching any part of you.

At that thought, he recalls the way your back felt on his hands when he rubbed sunscreen all over it when you were at the resort. How the plane of your gorgeous skin felt so smooth to the touch, how you make him feel even with just the slightest baring of your skin. 

Jungkook shuts his close when his mind goes into overdrive.

You. You. You and your bikini. You and your short shorts that might as well just be panties in disguise. You and those cute little, tight camisoles you always wear around the apartment. How he could just sometimes see the outline of your nipples where the thin material of your shirt clings to. How your bare legs look so good when you cross them while reading the paper on a Sunday morning by the kitchen island. How your breasts look like they could fit in Jungkook’s big palms with a bit of overspill – enough to drive him insane. 

These are the thoughts in Jungkook’s head as he continues to lather the liquidy texture of your body wash all over his body – and when his hand finally nudges the dick in between his legs, he groans. 

He’s not a stranger to getting off to the thought of you – you’re a gorgeous woman and it doesn’t really help the fact that he’s been in love with you for god knows how long – but it doesn’t mean that he does it guilt-free. He almost always feels like shit afterwards. 

But he can’t help it. Not when you’re all over his head again. Not when he’s thinking about how good it would probably fucking feel if he could just have a taste of your plump lips. How it would feel if he could just suck on your neck, paint you with his love there, down to your cleavage then play with both of your tits with his hands – be greedy with it – get your nipples rock hard and pretty tight for him, suck and latch and nip and lick them, make sure it’s all wet before he goes down more south. 

God. He thinks about it all the time. How’d it feel to go down on you. You’re so fucking pretty he could just imagine how gorgeous you would look down there, too. Were you the type to like getting eaten out? Jungkook hopes so. Because he would do everything to satisfy you. Fuck, he’d be so good to you. He’d tease your clit with his thumb first and you’d tell him that you’re aching for him bad – and he’d cave in and get his first taste with the flat of his tongue and fuck. You probably taste so good he’d crave it for days to come. 

The next thing Jungkook knows, he’s holding the base of his cock firmly, feeling it getting harder every second. It grows in his hand as he continues to think about eating your pussy, imagining the sounds you’d let out, how you’d look extra beautiful getting fucked by his tongue. Shit. He’d do it so well if you just asked. 

Jungkook traps his bottom lip with his teeth as he starts teasing his own cock, already in its full mass, hard and standing tall against his abdomen. He can see the shiny texture of his tip, precum leaking out, begging to be touched. He doesn’t wait any second to thumb the liquid off his head, letting out a half-sigh, half-hiss at how sensitive it felt, especially when he runs it over the veiny base.

Inhaling a sharp breath, Jungkook steps back a bit to cup his balls, squeezing it just enough to make him close his eyes. He repeats the motion of sliding his hand up and down his erect cock, feeling himself getting wetter at every second that passes. 

He gets a picture of you on your knees, and as he pumps himself at a slow pace, he imagines it’s you instead kneading him. You have slender fingers and pretty nails, it would feel so much better if they were wrapped around his cock right now. Your nails would scrape against his length, and you’ve held hands enough times for Jungkook to know that his hand is significantly bigger than yours, so you probably won’t fit all of him in your hand – but that’s alright. You’d tease him on the tip instead, spread his precum all over, get him needing and wanting more. 

Jungkook’s hips start to buck as he speeds up his pace, this time jacking himself harder as his mind jumps to more thoughts of you  — but this time around, you’re not on your knees: you’re pressed on the glass wall of the shower box, your ass bent for all of him to caress and squeeze, and you’re craning your head to look at him with hooded eyes, lips parted into a gorgeous “o” as you beckon him to come closer and put his hard dick in your warm, tight, and aching pussy. 

“Fuck.” Jungkook curses as he lets his forehead fall to the wall, resting there for a few good seconds, other hand scrambling to turn off the shower and quickly shutting his eyes close as he pictures himself thrusting into you instead of his stupid fucking hand.

“Shit, shit, shit—” He hisses, hand going faster around his length, pumping himself desperately to the thought of his dick sliding in and out of you.

Your moans would fill the tight room, and you’d sound so pretty. You’d be so pliant against the strong arm that he would wrap you with — and Jungkook would make sure to flick your nipples and fondle your breasts as he pounds into you from behind.

“Fuuuuck…” 

He grunts and he moans, hand impossibly going faster — dick getting harder. He just wants a release. He wants to cum so bad — to kiss you and love you and have you say it back with the same earnestness as him. 

Jungkook wants so badly to have you in his arms right after he eats you out, to cuddle with you and pretend like you have all the time in the world after he’s made sure to make love to every single inch of your body. To caress your hair and press a kiss on your head anytime he likes – because he’s allowed to. Because you love him. He just wants to be able to touch you in any way possible. Run his fingers over your back, kiss your cheeks, and your scrunched nose. Just wants to bury his face in your chest after a long day at work. Hold you tight against him. Have you close to him, whenever and wherever. 

But he doesn’t have all that. He can’t have all that. Not when you don’t even feel the same. Not when you reacted that way when he told you he loves you more than just his best friend. 

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t wrap my head around it. You’re not telling me the whole truth and frankly, I don’t believe you.”  

Your words ring in his ears as he continues to jack himself. 

The memory is still so vivid in his head — the surprised look on your face — certainly not the pleasant one. You were so… surprised. And angry. Like you didn’t believe any of what he said. Like you were trying hard to convince yourself that whatever you were hearing from him wasn’t true. 

Because she doesn’t feel the same way. Jungkook thinks.

He remembers the night you left. How you could barely look him in the eyes. 

“Shit—” Jungkook hisses as he squeezes his balls, hand pumping faster around his swollen cock. He closes his eyes as he tries to regulate his breathing, his stomach tightening at his impending release – and it’s the last thing he does in favor of his own sanity before his mind slips back again to life without you in it. 

He would never have you. He can never be anything to you anymore. 

He will never be, especially as he looks down at his hand on his cock.

How pathetic.

What would you think if you were to see him right now, getting himself off by imagining it’s you instead? You’d be so disgusted. You’d look at him like he’s a different person and feel betrayed because – how could the person you trust think about you like this? 

There’s that sense of self-hatred again that Jungkook feels whenever he jacks off to you. That fear of you finding out and not liking it. 

Jungkook tugs at his cock angrily as he thinks about all that, and he doesn’t notice that the stinging in the sides of his eyes would soon turn into tears running down his cheeks as he tries to reach his climax. 

You would hate him so much. You don’t even like him anymore. Don’t even want to live with him anymore.

But he just wants to cum so bad. Just wants to feel some sort of clarity. Delude himself into basking in that quick dopamine. 

He traps a sob in his throat as he makes quick work of his cock, and with one last squeeze around his tight balls, he shoots his hot cum to the wall, hips bucking at his orgasm. 

Letting out a series of hushed curses, Jungkook continues to pump his cock for more until he feels sensitive, and his dick turns soft and languid against his legs. 

He grabs the shower head to spray the cum off the wall, feeling the water already turning lukewarm. When he finishes cleaning his mess up, he grabs your body wash and exits the shower, throwing the bottle in the trash can with haste as if it burned him. As he turns back around, he catches sight of himself over the lavatory’s mirror. 

There are dark circles under his eyes — not too visible — but they’re there. His eyes are red from crying, and suddenly his body itches. He should shower again and actually clean up this time.

But Jungkook realizes as he stares at himself again… he has never looked so tired. Not even in med school. Or during internship. 

This whole thing is taking a toll on him – he knows that well by now. Even his friends do as well. He’s fucking up his sleeping schedule and he’s not even eating properly. He hits the gym not because he wants to but because it helps shut down his head.

Jungkook sighs. 

He’s long accepted that the love he holds for you is so big it sometimes borders on piteous. He’s spent so many years going into this kind of phase where he just mulls over the same thing; that he loves you, but you will never ever feel the same way back.

And the thing is, he's always been okay with it. Jungkook loves loving you. He’d be a fool not to when he genuinely thinks that you were made to be loved.  

But at this point, he just feels… tired.

Exhausted. Empty.

He wants to sleep. He wants to rest. He wants to wake up the next day and not feel like shit anymore.

Maybe Doyeon was right back at the villa.

It is time to move on.

And maybe… just maybe… unlike all the other times he’s attempted to do the same thing, this time around will be successful.

Your 7am to 2pm shift had just concluded when you arrived at your sister’s place, only to see them both all dolled up, ready to go out.

They told you that you could come with them if you liked, but of course you refused. You’re not the type to interrupt a date and they were certainly too in love for your liking. Don’t get you wrong, you love that for both – but you’re getting pretty sick of romance these days and you’re trying to avoid it as much as possible. Seokjin made sure to throw another one of his “Don’t mope around, okay? We have Macallan in the cupboards. You know the one.” jokes, though – having already known why you’re here in the first place – and your sister pinched his ear painfully enough for you to ignore and roll your eyes at him lightheartedly. 

Which leads you to now, binge-eating a left-over tub of vanilla ice cream on a Sunday afternoon from last night’s impulsive purchase. You know it’s going to make you feel like shit later, but you can’t really bring yourself to care – not when the ice cream tastes too good paired with a Sex and The City episode. 

You like to delude yourself you’re the early season Miranda; independent, boss bitch, career-driven, straightforward but kind. But you had a mortifying realization that maybe you’re actually Carrie. You’re both so obsessed with love and glorify the idea of “The One” that you overlook red flags in a guy just to stay in a relationship. And for what? To be completely broken and fucked over in the end of it all. 

But you don’t want to be Carrie – sure, she has a special place in your heart as a fictional character but real-life Carries, with all of their delusions and ideals, are not meant for the real world.  

“You’re watching that show again?”

You almost fall over the couch when you hear a familiar voice behind you, and when you crane your neck to look who it was, your eyes widen.

“Mom!” you exclaim, rightfully surprised. Your mother – in the flesh – smiles as she sees you grin. “Oh my god, I didn’t know you’d be here— wait, how’d you get inside?”

She waves you off. “You know your sister and Jin gave me a duplicate key to their place. Anyway, I’m just here to drop off some side dishes. Also, I know what you’ve been up to. And stop eating that ice cream.”

You pout, taking the tub away from you. When you see her walk towards the kitchen with her bags – presumably the side dishes she was talking about – you follow behind her steps, helping her load the containers in the fridge. 

“What do you mean you know what I’ve been up to?” 

“You and Jungkook fought, I heard.” 

“Mom,” you say with a tone that tells her you don’t want to talk about it at all. 

“You know I’m going over there shortly to give him these, right? Supposed to be for the both of you, but oh well, you’re lounging around here.” She says. 

“I’m not lounging around here. They love that I’m here.” You counter, referring to your sister and Seokjin. It almost sounded like a whine, though, more than anything. But it was true! They like you being here! They��ve always treated you like their child… but you know you’re kind of pushing it with your sixth-day-stay. 

Your mother looks at you disapprovingly, loading the last container before shutting the fringe doors shut. 

“Whatever you’re fighting about, you know avoiding it is not going to make it better.” 

You sigh. “I’m not even sure if we’re fighting, anyway.” 

“What’s that mean?” Your mom asks, sounding confused. You can imagine.

“I don’t know… just – I don’t think we’re angry at each other.”

“Not being angry at each other is worse than being angry at each other. That sounds like withdrawal.” 

You wince at her words. “Maybe.” 

Your mom sighs. She takes out a bit from the container of stir-fried zucchini and slides you both a plate. “Have you been eating real food? You look like you’re not eating properly.”

Teenager and college you would’ve rolled your eyes because she always says that you’re losing weight and blah blah blah, but it’s not even true. However, you do know she’s just concerned, though, and so you nod your head, picking up a zucchini and eating it.

“Yes. Jin’s a good cook.”

She nods, eating as well. “So is Jungkook. He hasn’t talked to you at all?” 

You thought you’ve dodged the topic of Jungkook completely but apparently your mom’s still on that. You nibble on your bottom lip as you think what to say.

“He… uhm… he didn’t text or call.” Well. There was one time. Two days ago. And it was just a simple text about informing you of the sudden change in the OR schedule. You replied to it with a thanks and a smiley face, but he didn’t say anything after that — not that your thanks should guarantee anything. That was not exactly a conversation starter.

Still. 

“Have you talked to him?” 

Shoot. 

You shake your head a bit. 

The truth is that you can’t be sad about Jungkook not reaching out when you haven’t been doing the same thing either. You’re running away from him – you can admit that. The past week hasn’t been your proudest moment. You’ve thought it over countless times; why you just can’t go ahead and speak to him – because heck, for eight years you’ve always done a good job at it, communicating with each other when things went wrong. Like when he teases you too much and you actually get offended, and the same goes for him.

But what happened wasn’t just something that came out of a supposedly lighthearted banter. It wasn’t your usual banter at all. 

“What happened, sweetie?” And this time your mom’s voice is bordering on concern. 

You don’t look at her when you say, “Jungkook said he’s in love with me.” 

You don’t get a reaction. At least – the reaction you were expecting. You thought she would gasp, or at least let out an, “Oh”, but there’s none of that. When you peer up at her, she just nods. 

As if the news was no surprise. 

“And I take it didn’t go well?” She looks at you gently. 

“N-no,” you stammer. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you say, “It was – it was so messy that day, mom. You know we went to that resort for his birthday, right? He and my boyfriend fought, and just – so much happened. I don’t even remember half of it. Just that he told me he’s been in love with me for the past eight years.” 

Your mom nods. “Your boyfriend… is that Mingyu?” 

“Yes.” It feels weird to call him your boyfriend now. You used to be so giddy calling him that. But right now, it feels almost icky. 

“Why did Jungkook and him fight?” 

You told her what Jungkook told you – everything, and your mom is sweet almost all of the time but as she listens to everything that Mingyu supposedly did and say – especially about you – she can’t help but knit her brows in that quiet anger you know all too well now. But it soon dissipates to worry. 

She steps closer to you. You look at her with a sad smile. With that, she encloses her arms around you, and you let your chin fall on her shoulder as you reciprocate her hug. You almost cry when she squeezes you. “How are you feeling then, sweetie?” She asks, voice so gentle and soft. Comforting. You think this has been what you needed all this time.

“Like shit.” you chuckle. “I’ve never been so tired. I haven’t even talked to Mingyu yet – I haven’t been talking to anybody, even my friends. I don't know why I’m like this.” 

“You know I worry for you.”

“Hm?” 

“You’re such a lovely, sweet girl. And these men keep breaking your heart. I wish I can ease your pain, honey. You have the biggest heart in the world.” 

You nibble on your bottom lip as you feel that stinging in your eyes at her words. You remember Jungkook saying almost the exact same thing.

“Jungkook told me that sometime ago.” you say, holding back the cry you know is coming out any second now. 

“He knows you well.” She says as she caresses your head. 

“I just…” you let out a sigh again, trying to shake off the oncoming tears. “When he told me he loved me all this time, I said I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I still can’t.” 

“Do you think he would lie about something like that?” 

It’s firm and final when you say, “No.” Because you know in your heart that was true. Jungkook is anything but a liar. And especially about something like that… you just don’t think he would ever hurt you intentionally. That’d be cruel and Jungkook was never cruel. It’s just not in his nature. 

“Hm. Then is it because you don’t feel the same way at all? That’s why you can’t believe it?” Your mom asks and it’s the most groundbreaking question you’ve ever heard after a while. 

Do you just… not feel the same way? 

That was definitely the biggest question you’ve been avoiding answering. 

But as your mom pushes you slightly so she can look at you earnestly, gently, like she has no expectations whatsoever – just here to hold and comfort you – it beckons you into spilling your emotions. 

“I… I really don’t know, mom.” You intake a sharp breath. “He’s been a constant presence in my life for eight years. We’ve never– we’ve never considered the possibility of being more than just friends. I– I don’t know why he would love me. Or fall for me. He’s never shown interest, the way I saw it – but these days I’ve been rethinking that and I’m beating myself over for being stupid because it’s like – how could I have not known? He’s always been so caring towards me. Always makes time for me. He’s never let me down and he’s just – he’s my person, mom. Always has been. And how could I have thought that he didn’t mean for that to come off as purely platonic?” you stop, feeling your lips wobble. “It’s just… I don’t know. I don’t know what to feel. All I know is that these days without him have been so painful, especially when we haven’t properly talked. I miss him everyday and it kills me that we aren’t like before right now. I want to be by his side all the time, and I think I may have taken that for granted for the past eight years we’ve known each other.” 

You don’t realize you’ve let out so much, but your mom just lets you snuggle closer to her, knowing that you’re feeling a lot right now. And you do. You haven’t talked to anyone about what you really felt – not even your sister, even though you knew she did her best to do so – but as your mom soothes your back with the gentle rub of her hand, you let yourself be comforted. 

“You know what I think, honey?” 

You look up at her with teary eyes, nodding weakly.

She gives you a small smile. “Do you remember that time when I thought he was your boyfriend when you brought him for Christmas?” 

Nodding, you chuckle. Second year of med school it was. Eunwoo was in Switzerland for a a big project – and Jungkook’s parents weren’t in town. You both didn’t have anybody to celebrate Christmas with and so you ended up asking Jungkook to come home with you. 

It wasn’t just your mom who thought he was your boyfriend. Your sister and Seokjin also assumed the same thing. 

Around that time, you haven’t introduced Eunwoo to them yet so basically, they didn’t know that you were taken already. 

“I think this is just me being old… but you kind of… you get to know these things, __. You’ll see somebody's eyes, they way they gaze at somebody. When we were opening those gifts during Christmas eve, I saw the way that kid looked at my daughter with so much adoration that I even thought you were just being coy about him being your boyfriend.” 

Your lips curl into a tight line. 

You… certainly did not notice any of that. Did that really happen?

“I think Jungkook’s a good man, and your dad is fond of him – he asked me yesterday if you’re gonna bring him for Thanksgiving or Christmas, he misses his chess buddy, it seems. No pressure, though,” your mom chuckles. “But Jungkook’s smart, kind, polite, works hard, really charming—” you laugh again, despite yourself, because that’s definitely true. He charmed your parents so quickly with ease. It’s just really about his pleasant personality that attaches people to him. “But most especially, he makes you really happy. I liked that Jaehyun guy and Eunwoo because they made you happy when you were together. Up until they didn’t. I only like people who are good to you, sweetie. That was why I liked your ex-boyfriends for a while,” She begins caressing your head again and you feel like a little girl again, finding comfort in your mom’s bedroom after a bad day at middle school. Your mom smiles softly before she continues, “But those men hurt you. And they leave you. And you know who hasn’t in the past eight years? The only one who’s been consistent in making you happy?” 

It’s Jungkook. He’s always been under your nose while you cried over other men, and he was there to support you through it all. He’s the one who makes you laugh at his stupid jokes. The one who sits with you in your feelings on days when you don’t feel your best. He’s the one who lets you cry on his shoulder when a surgery doesn’t go well, the guy who would drop everything for you with one text or call, the guy who gifts you stupid, stupid random things because they reminded him of you. He’s the guy who shares his playlists with you, comments silly stuff on your equally silly posts, and he’s the only one who has never, ever made you feel like you’re not enough. He’s the only one who has never left and hurt you. 

It’s always been Jungkook. 

Your mom doesn’t need to say the name, though, just one look at you and she knows you're thinking the same thing. 

It’s during midday at the hospital when you see Jungkook again.

The elevator dinged and the doors finally opened on your floor, but you froze in your position when you saw who was inside the whole time. 

It was Jungkook, sitting slightly on the handrails while crossing his arms. His posture straightened for a bit as he met your eyes, looking equally surprised as you. But then he recovered and relaxed in his position just as quickly. 

You couldn’t read the look on his face.

Taking a hold of yourself before the door automatically closes, you stepped a foot inside the lift and pressed on the button of your floor immediately. The 7th floor button is lightened up, so you assumed Jungkook was gonna get off earlier than you since you were going down on the sixth floor. 

The confined space had never felt more suffocating. You could feel there was something in the air – a thick tension that was getting too hard to bear every second you felt the elevator moving down. 

There was a lump that formed in your throat, especially when you caught a glimpse of the reader going floors down fast, and the 7th one was nearing. 

Your heart beat erratically against your chest. You didn’t even feel that nervous back in the OR twenty minutes ago.

But you figured it was the first time you felt close, after all.

It was funny, really – what you felt at that moment. Being physically close to Jungkook had never made you feel like that – like you’re on edge – you’ve always just approached it as something natural, like you were meant to be that way. And those times, you never really thought about the contact ending. 

But in that moment, it felt like he was slipping away – even though you were not even holding him in the first place. 

It was probably why you let out your next words, craning your neck to the side to try and look behind you where you knew Jungkook was at. 

“I miss you.” 

You barely said it. Felt like just a soft whisper as the words slipped past your lips, but there was a break around its edges – like it was the most vulnerable thing you’ve ever said. 

It was. 

And you didn’t exactly know why you did it. 

Maybe you just wanted him to know. Maybe you just wanted him to understand that… that you were still there. And that you missed him. Every single day. Regardless of what happened. 

There was a thick silence that hung in the air after that, and you should’ve taken back your words right after they came out. Embarrassment should’ve clouded you by then. But you couldn’t bring yourself to do so. 

That was as honest as you could get. 

You didn’t even expect a reply – assuming that maybe Jungkook hadn’t heard it. 

But you heard the soft tap of his steps on the floor and felt his overwhelming presence coming near you. And just like that, you knew he was behind you. Close. A hair's breadth away. 

Then, you hear him let out a soft sigh, and you could feel his breath brush against your ear as he leaned down. You never realized how much you craved his affection until you felt him slightly nudging his cheek against the crown of your head. 

It made you keen. Made you shut your eyes close. Basking in the moment, but you didn’t ignore the pain that it caused. 

Because somehow, despite what might seem like a sweet gesture – the whole thing felt like goodbye.

It was so intimate, though, that you almost forgot that you were currently on the 8th floor and he was dropping off on the next. 

The elevator dinged like a wake-up call. And when you opened your eyes, Jungkook had already peeled his body away from you. Nibbling on your bottom lip, you fought the urge to cry as you saw him walking out. 

Before the door closed, he took one look at you. His mouth opened, as if wanting to say something. You waited. But he closed his lips again, not bothering to look back for even one last time before the elevator doors closed in front of your face. 

The interaction left a certain melancholy in your heart, and it made you run on auto-pilot when the elevator stopped on your floor. 

You never expected for the encounter to happen – but it did, in its own way. And now you have to deal with the consequences of your impulsive actions.

Your mindless walking has led your feet to somewhere a bit secluded. It’s far across the hall, and you recognize it as some old, empty ward. You and your friends have one on the 5th floor but you don’t think you’ve never really been here before and so you weren’t sure.

But you’re desperate to let out a good cry. Maybe not exactly cry – but just be alone for awhile. The hospital and your schedule are busy enough as they are and it’s enough to keep your mind occupied since the morning – but that interaction with Jungkook at the elevator reminded you of the weight that you’ve been carrying lately and you just… want to dissipate a little. Even if it means sacrificing your three-minute lunchtime. 

You don’t suspect anything as you twist the doorknob open – surprise to see it’s not locked like you thought it would be. 

And the sight leaves your mouth hanging open. 

“Oh my god.” 

“What the fuck.” 

“Shit!” You watch as Doyeon pushes off the man wearing a white lab gown on top of her – a very familiar figure that you can only recognize as none other than the attending surgeon Dr. Kim Namjoon. 

A panicked, “I’m sorry!” leaves your mouth before you turn on your heel, ready to fly off the scene when you hear Doyeon’s voice calling you from behind.

“Wait, __!” 

You hesitantly look back.

It’s obvious what they were doing before you entered the room. Doyeon’s hair is unusually out of the ponytail she always shows up to work with, and Dr. Kim… Jesus. He’s always been so intimidating to you – with his tall stature and his aura that reeks so much of authority, even though he doesn’t even try, it feels so fucking weird to suddenly see him with his hair all mussed up when it always looks kempt every single time you see him along the hallways of the hospital. Right now, he looks coy, like he’s shrinking himself as he avoids looking at you.

“Dr. __, I am so deeply sorry,” His apology sounds so remorseful that you feel bad for even having to barge in. You can see Dr. Kim fumbling with his coat as he looks at Doyeon like he’s looking for help. Doyeon looks at him, but she just… rolls her eyes.

“Joon, just–” She cuts herself off, shutting her eyes close. Seemingly agitated. Or embarrassed. You don’t know why you’re still here. “You should leave now, I’ll talk to __.” Doyeon lets her gaze fall back to you and your eyes widen at the declaration, not really knowing if she was serious or not. 

You mean… what are you even going to talk about? Sure! You’re shocked as fuck to see them together in that position but you’re not about to ask her about her sex life!

… Okay. So maybe you are a little bit (only a little) curious about that.

Dr. Kim has always been a mystery to all of you. Taehyung and Jungkook admire him so much, the latter lowkey idolizes him at this point. Nayeon has always spoken highly about him and you’re literally a fan of all his work in his field, especially his books. It doesn’t help that he’s attractive as hell, too, and you all may have gossiped about him at one point in your lives – so sue you for being curious! You’re just human.   

“You sure?” Dr. Kim says, barely spoken, but you don’t miss the gentle way he holds Doyeon’s shoulder as he asks that, the way his face contorts into a concerned expression when he looks down at her. One quick interaction and you instantly realize that oh… this is serious. 

They’re not just having casual sex in this ward.

This is Doyeon’s boyfriend.

Your bestfriend nods at him and you step aside to give Dr. Kim some space to leave the room, still visibly stunned. You thought he was going to leave when he utters another apology again. 

“__, I’m really sorry about this behavior. Doyeon and I—” 

Doyeon groans. “Joon, oh my god. It’s fine.” 

You watch as Dr. Kim’s (who Doyeon apparently calls “Joon”— what the hell) lips fall into a thin line. “Fine. I’ll go. We’ll talk about this later, alright?” 

“I know.” 

He gives you both one last glance before the door closes on you.

You swear you tried to look for cameras everywhere – like they do in The Office – to see if the whole thing was a prank. But no. Your life’s unfortunately not a sitcom.

“I told him to lock the door earlier,” Doyeon starts, sounding defeated as she falls back on one of the emergency beds. Sighing, she covers her face with her hands. “This is so embarrassing.” 

At that, you can’t help but react immediately. 

“You’re embarrassed about the fact that you’re fucking an insanely stupid hot, intelligent man?” Your brows knit. 

Doyeon looks at you and you both stare at each other. She holds her own, like she usually does, but for the first time ever, she breaks and chuckles. The laughter turns hilarious, and you follow her into the bed. 

“God,” she utters. She licks her bottom lip and looks at you shyly. “I didn’t mean for you to find out this way.” 

“I mean… what did you mean to do instead?” 

She hesitates. “I’m not sure.”

You frown. “So, you just… you just weren’t going to tell me? Us?” You didn’t bother to hide the tone of disappointment in your words. Doyeon looks a little ashamed when you verbalized that.

“It’s not that. I just didn’t know how,” She says. You knit your brows in confusion. “You know I’ve always been… private about my dating life or whatever. I don’t tell you guys I’m dating until I’m sure the guy and I are official. I… I don’t even date a lot in the first place.” 

Well… that was true. You nod at her, giving her a reassuring smile. “Yeah, I get that.” Doyeon smiles a little. “How long?” 

There’s a pregnant pause before she says, “Uh… since Feb?” 

“Jesus.” She winces at your reaction. You stare at her with your jaw slack. “What the fuck, Doyeon? Nine months?”

“Well, technically, eight but—” you look at her dryly and Doyeon gives up on her attempt at being facetious. “Okay. I’m sorry. It just happened.” You raise your brow at her. She sighs. “Okay, so we may have hooked up last year in December. You remember the Christmas party at the Ritz?” 

Your mouth just hangs wider, looking at her incredulously. Every drop of information she lets out just grows your surprise bigger, and you have nothing in substance to say except, “You… whore.” 

Doyeon laughs so loud you worry it might have been heard from the outside, but you wince at the slap that follows on your shoulder as she giggles nonstop. 

“Shut the fuck up, oh my god.” 

“No– I just– Oh my god, was that the reason why you bailed on our own Christmas party over at Nayeon’s?” She nods at your question with her lips pursed. You scoff, still not believing it but just overall amused in general. “You’re really throwing me a curveball here, babe. Like – I have never ever heard you talking about Dr. Kim except when you said you’d totally fuck him in that one drinking session. And then, you actually fucking did.”

She rolls her eyes, scoffing. “He started asking me out on dates in January and he asked me to be his girlfriend in Feb. I don’t even know how it happened. It just did,” She shrugs, as if she just said that the skies are blue. “I’m pretty good at hiding, huh?” 

You don’t hide the way you instantly frown.

“I’m happy for you, Doyeon, I really am. But… did you not feel like you could tell me? Or any of us?”

At least she looks apologetic, nibbling on her bottom lip before she says, “It’s not that, __. I didn’t know how to tell you guys. There’s this – there’s this thing when you date a co-worker, especially in the hospital. He’s an attendant, and he’s about to be chief of surgery next two months, you know that right? And it’s just— I know you will never think it, or the rest of our friends – but I just. I didn’t want anyone to think that I’m… that I’m sleeping my way here, you know? It’s fucking weird. And Ms. Yan from fuckass HR hates me for some reason. I’d be public enemy number one around here, __.”

You wince hearing her explanation. Nodding, you rub her shoulder to offer some kind of comfort, noticing that she’s actually silently fuming just by the mere thought of that. Meaning she must have been thinking about it for quite some time now. 

“But you know we’ll never think of it like that, right?” You confirm with her, just to be sure. You love Doyeon – she’s basically your sister at this point – and you don’t ever want her to feel like she can’t trust you.

“Of course. I don’t… I can’t really offer you any explanation other than I got scared and just wasn’t ready. Joon wants to let people know… and I don’t know. I guess I’m thinking about that too nowadays.” She says, and she’s not really looking at you anymore, seemingly deep in thought.

You begin rubbing her back. “It’s fine if you’re not ready yet.” 

“Oh, this is getting kind of mushy. I hate it.” Doyeon says dryly. You push her slightly which sends her sideways a bit, earning a laugh from her.

“Joon, huh?” You decide to tease to lighten up the mood. Instead of backing down and getting shy like you expected, Doyeon raises her brow. “Can I be honest with you, though?” You say, fiddling with your fingers. She nods so you tread lightly to your next words. “This will sound crazy, I know, but for the longest time I thought Jungkook was your secret boyfriend.”

“What the fuck?” Doyeon says, sharp and almost… disgusted. You don’t expect such a reaction. 

“Okay, you don’t need to sound so disgusted. Jungkook’s a good-looking guy and he’s very decent.” You say, sounding weirdly defensive – even to your own ears.

“No– that’s not what I meant—” Doyeon cuts herself off with a laugh. “That’s actually really funny, though.” You look at her curiously. “Somehow, I thought about you thinking that. Especially after that time at the villa when you walked in on us talking by the pool deck.” 

“I…” you try to come up with an excuse, something to deny her claim, but nothing comes, and your eyebrows knit in confusion because you actually don’t know yourself why you felt that way back then. You still remember the weird feeling that flared up in your chest upon seeing them in such an intimate position — with Jungkook’s head on Doyeon’s stomach and her caressing his head. Maybe you’re more malicious than you let on, but can she really blame you for thinking there was more to that? Besides, Jungkook’s second closest in the group is probably her. It made sense to assume they were secretly together. 

“God, don’t,” Doyeon says incredulously. “Obviously, he’s not my secret boyfriend. I don’t like him and he does not like me, at least not that way. That man only has heart eyes for you and I’m only into Namjoon, thank you very much.” 

You wince. “Sorry.”

“But were you really jealous that time, though?” Doyeon asks, intrigued. “I mean, I thought about it. You were acting weird. But I kind of just shrugged it off.”

“I was not jealous, what the hell,” you quickly say. “I was just surprised. And you’re both really close, so I don’t know.” 

Doyeon arches her brow. “You’re also both close, so going by that logic, are you two together?” You frown at her. She laughs, knowing she proved her point. “Alright, enough about that. How have you been these days?”

You stare at her before sighing.

“I’ve been wanting to say sorry.” 

“Damn straight,” she tells you immediately, like she’s been looking forward to it. “Like, you bitch– I thought you died. Not talking to me or to anybody for a week is crazy.”

“It’s not my proudest moment.” 

“Why?” 

You subtly inhale a shaky breath. “I… to be honest? I thought you guys were mad at me.” 

“What?” You can hear the incredulous tone Doyeon’s taking on. And you slowly realize that you completely just conjured a whole ass narrative in your head the whole time. 

“I know. I feel terrible about it. But I just… I couldn’t help but think that I ruined… things.” 

“Oh…” Doyeon says, and she cranes her neck down to meet your gaze as you’re tucking your head down slightly. “Why did you think that?” 

You open your mouth and close it, trying to find the right words.

“I… know I was completely being ambitious when I said I wanted to bring Mingyu along to the trip – and I realize I shouldn’t have done that. Our relationship was still so fresh, and I was already bringing him along to what was supposed to be our vacation. And the fight happened and the whole thing just went to complete shit. We didn’t even get to spend our five nights there because you guys had to book us a flight immediately and I just… I guess I just feel so bad about it. Had I not invited him… the trip would’ve been way more different. Happier, that I’m sure of.”

“__,” Doyeon calls your name firmly. “That was not any of your fault. Sure, you should’ve consulted with us – because I’m not gonna lie, you threw us in for a surprise when you said that Mingyu was coming, but that fight was not your fault. At all. They physically fought each other on their own accord, even though they knew they were already too grown to be doing that shit. Don’t feel guilty about what those men did.” 

You bite your lip. “Still. They— uhm. They apparently fought because of me. It’s stupid.” 

“Exactly. But… Mingyu kind of deserved it. Sorry.” Doyeon comments. 

You wince. “You know?” 

“Jungkook told us about it, yeah.” Doyeon says, as if hesitant to even mention his name in the conversation. 

You sigh. You’re not really surprised. “Did he… did he tell you guys… everything?” 

“He did.” Doyeon confirms. “It’s not actually new news for us, __.” 

You look confuse when you meet her gaze. “How do you mean?” 

She presses her lips into a thin line. “He’s in love with you. We’ve known for a while,” You stare at her, mouth agape. Doyeon reluctantly adds, “Since med school.”

“Oh.” You close your eyes for a moment. “Even Nayeon?” 

She nods. “Yes.” 

You’re silent for a while before you look away. Nodding, you whisper, “I see,” You sigh. “I don’t even… I’m not even surprised about that. Even my mother knows — I mean, Jungkook didn’t tell her of course, but she said she knew he had feelings for me.”

“I think… everybody knows, __.” Your eyes fall to Doyeon. She gives you a gentle smile. “Everybody who sees the way Jungkook looks at you immediately knows right away. He doesn’t have to tell someone he likes you for them to know that. Taehyung and I figured it out ourselves as well. And then Nayeon met you both and she did the same thing. Just had to fish out the confirmation from Jungkook himself.” 

“That’s…” you trail off, not really knowing what to say. “I’m really stupid for not noticing all this time, huh?”

“Hmm… maybe. Sort of. But also, not really. I guess it must’ve been just different for you. We’re just bystanders of your interactions — when Jungkook teases you like a fucker it’s easy to assume he’s flirting with you, but it must’ve been annoying as hell for you.”

You chuckle a bit. But it’s with fondness as you agree, “Yeah…”

“He sucks ass at flirting.” 

“I agree…” you trail off. “I – well, you probably know, but I told him I don’t believe him,” Doyeon hums, listening in. “I regret saying that. It really hurt him. But… who can blame me, Doyeon? I mean, am I not right for having doubts? Being confused? I mean, okay, yes, I was taken for the first four years we knew each other but I was— I was available two years ago and he didn’t— he didn't do anything. Why didn’t he do anything?” The words are coming off as a rant, you’re fully aware, but you let yourself go, anyway. “He was dating all those women and I just… how am I supposed to believe him when I thought he showed me the opposite?” 

“You mean how were you supposed to believe him when he sleeps around?”

You shut your eyes close. “I don’t– I don’t necessarily think he sleeps around, okay? Jungkook’s not a fuckboy or someone who sleeps with anyone with a pulse. He’s too grown for that shit. But I… I just meant, that… he dated a lot all throughout the time we knew each other, so where was I in the equation? You know what I mean?”

Doyeon stares at you for a bit, then she nods, looking ahead. “I know what you mean.” 

“Yeah?”

She nods. Then, “Are you worried he’s not sincere about his feelings? Because he dated a lot of people?”

“I-I’m not sure about that.” But maybe, that thought bothers you a bit.

“When was the last time he was with somebody?”

You don’t mean to sound defensive when you retort back with, “I wouldn’t know that. Contrary to popular belief, Jungkook and I do not actually talk about everything, and that includes our sex lives, but I know when he’s… seeing somebody.” 

“How?” Doyeon asks, looking at you. She wasn’t trying to trick you into anything, just genuine curiosity written all over her face.

You shy away from her gaze. “Four months ago… Nayeon’s engagement party. He was checking that woman out.”

“Oh… Kwon Jihyo?” 

Your brows furrow. “You know her?” 

Doyeon nods. “Yeah. Physio class back in freshman year. I talked to her at the party as well,” you grow more confused and Doyeon adds, “Also, she’s gay. Married with two kids.” 

“Oh.” 

That earns a chuckle from Doyeon. Tapping your arm, she tells you, “You don’t have a gay radar, it’s fine.” 

“Oh my god…” you slap a hand on your forehead. “I teased him about sleeping with her after the party…” 

You’ve always seen Jungkook as a regular ladies man in your head due to the fact that he gets women, quite very easily. Empirically, Jungkook goes on a lot of dates. But to be completely honest with yourself, you don’t even know the extent of those said dates. Jungkook doesn’t exactly oppose it when you lightheartedly tease him about being a playboy, but you do notice when that puts him off a bit.

Maybe you should’ve pried – maybe he gets put off because it’s simply not true? But you don’t think it’s not not true either, so… do you really think he sleeps around?

“Look,” Doyeon suddenly says which makes you look at her, snapping you out of your own messy thoughts. “I’m not trying to defend him or put in a good word for him or whatever. But I do know that you know him better than I do, so I’m sure you don’t actually think he isn’t sincere about his feelings for you. If you’re worried about his dating history, talk to him about that – but if we’re going by technical definition here, I don’t think Jungkook sleeps around, __. He doesn’t have a new woman switched out for another every seven business days, does he? Or is that a wrong assumption—”

“God, no,” you roll your eyes at her. “And anyway, why are we talking about this? I don’t care who he has sex with. He can do whatever he wants. He’s a grown man.”

“Yeah… but you just said it’s sort of the reason why you’re holding back.”

You feel blood rushing to your cheek because… that is true. You don’t even know why. Because you stand for what you said that he can do whatever the hell he wants. He’s young and he’s objectively attractive and he can have sex whenever he wants…

But somehow, that very thought — of Jungkook being with anybody that way, suddenly made a weird feeling flare up in your chest. You’ve never really paid it mind before, but right now that you now know what you know…

“It just kind of hurts a bit, I guess.” You say, not looking at Doyeon. “I mean, it’s irrational, really. I don’t expect him to be celibate for the eight years he’s claimed to love me, that’s just insane. I’ve also had sex with other people throughout the time and it would be unfair of me to dwell on the fact that he’s been with other people in the past when I also have but… it’s just… you know…” you trail off, and you feel like you’re gonna burst with so much embarrassment from the thoughts running through your head.

“I know… what?” Doyeon says, trying to fill in the gaps.

“I guess I just…” you swallow the lump in your throat. “I guess…. I guess I just expected him to want only me.” 

“Oh.” you look at Doyeon. “Oh wow. That’s…” 

You huff. “It’s childish, I know. It’s so stupid – I can’t think that. It’s unfair for him.”

Doyeon shakes her head. “No, I mean, I get that. I get that completely,” She scoots closer to you. “You have to know, though, that for the past eight years, Jungkook has tried many times to move on from you.” That words felt like a bucket of cold water. He’s tried…? Doyeon gives you a small smile when she notices the way your face fell. “It was really tough for him when you and Eunwoo got serious, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He tried seeing other people, in the hopes that they could make him feel what he does for you. He didn’t do that in vain – like he did it maliciously in hopes that you would get jealous or whatever. He did that – he does that – because he also genuinely wants to be with someone who can reciprocate his feelings. Min Sora was really close… but I don’t really know what happened to that. I’ve assumed since then that he must still probably love you. And he still apparently does, even to this day. I’m not saying all of this in favor of him, okay? But do you not want to give him a chance because of that? He really loves you, __. He admires you a lot. You don’t know how much he’s just in awe of you. He talks about you a lot when you’re not around, and he’d ditch just about anything to get to you with one call. Look… I don’t know what you feel, and at the end of the day, you call the shots. But I think he’s worth it, __. Because I know him as well and everybody knows he’ll treat you right. You just gotta give him the chance.”

You take in Doyeon’s words carefully.

“That’s not really the only thing I’m skeptical about,” you sigh. “Him having slept with other people is not the top of my concern, because we weren’t in any relationship. Again, I couldn’t have expected him to be celibate all this time. What I’m really worried about is the fact that he’s so— he’s so important to me, Doyeon. I’ve known him for eight years and he’s… he’s quite literally the best thing that ever happened to me—” you stop for awhile because you feel your voice breaking, just in time when the sides of your eyes sting with precedent tears. But you can’t cry right now. You’ve done that a lot in the past few days.  “And if— and if I do feel the same, and then we do this thing, what if it all goes wrong? I don’t – I can’t really bear the thought of him not present in my life. I have never considered that ever since I’ve known him. I’m so lucky with my friendships but my romantic relationships all suck. They’re shit. And I don’t want to have a shit romantic relationship with Jungkook, because that would mean I’d lose him. And I don’t want to lose him… do you— do you get me, Doyeon? I’m so scared. Because there's this part of me that wholeheartedly believes what he said, but there’s a bigger part of me that’s in denial because I can’t stop thinking about things going wrong.” 

“Hey,” Doyeon gently calls, and you don’t realize that you’ve been holding back a sob because the moment she scoots closer, arm circling your back, you bury your face in her chest and let out a quiet cry. She cradles your head, and you close your eyes at that. “What if things don’t go wrong, though? What if it works out?” 

You sniffle. “But things always go wrong for me and my boyfriends. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but they just never end well.” 

Doyeon lets out a heavy breath. “I completely understand that. Again, you know Jungkook better than I do. Better than anybody I know, really. You would know exactly what he’s capable of – and that includes the possibility of him hurting you, or the lack of it thereof. It’s really your choice, __. Just… just talk to him, okay? He’s been wanting to, but you’re not reaching out and he said he didn’t want to suffocate you or anything like that.” 

You quickly perk up at that. “He said that?” Doyeon nods. It makes your shoulders deflate. “But… but we were in the elevator today and he…”

“He what?”

“He… uhm… well I said something stupid,” you wince, wiping the stray tears from your cheeks. “I said I miss him, but he didn’t – I don’t know. He didn’t say anything,” Nibbling on your bottom lip anxiously, you look at Doyeon reluctantly, gauging her reaction. “I think he actually hates me now.”

Doyeon is quiet for a moment before she speaks. “You just… you really have no clue how much he loves you, huh? You can kill a close relative of his and he’ll make excuses for you, I don’t doubt that even for a second,” She says and for a moment you’re a bit offended because you’re getting kind of tired of people pointing out that Jungkook being into you is obvious like how the grasses are green, but Doyeon shakes her head, face in pure disbelief. And you just know she didn’t mean it that way. She genuinely looks baffled. “You really need to talk, __. This is… it really hurts seeing you both like this."  

You tuck your head down. “I’m thinking about it.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. I think… I’m going back to our place tonight. But I’m not sure. I’ll probably chicken out last minute.” 

Doyeon pats your arm. “Do it, okay? Just be honest with yourself and to him. You both need that.” 

You give her a small, weak smile.

You’re pretty much drained the moment you arrive at your place. Sighing heavily, you punch in the passcode and almost feel your knees buckling at the sight of the interior of your apartment. 

It feels like it’s been so long since you’ve been here, and coupled with the discussion that you had with Doyeon yesterday, everything suddenly feels overstimulating and there’s an urge at the sides of your eyes to cry. 

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you breathe in and out as you enter the threshold, noting the fact that nobody is at home. Or Jungkook isn’t present anywhere in the living room. You’re a bit grateful for that if you have to be honest to yourself – after all, the last time that you talked to him did not exactly go as well as you’d like. 

He could be in his room, though. That’s what you assume as you go straight over to the kitchen in hopes to heat up the take-out that you bought at the driveway. As you leave your phone on the counter, you notice the to-go container from Chipotle on the same surface, as well as the laptop that is left open beside it. 

So Jungkook is home. 

The question is, where could he possibly be, leaving out his stuff here in the kitchen? Might be in his bedroom to grab something real quick? 

You don’t mean to do the next thing that comes to your mind, but your feet – your stupid feet – track back from the microwave to the island, and your eyes betray you as they go look and read the words on the screen of Jungkook’s macbook. 

The tab that shows is an apartment listing website, and besides are more tabs that show some familiar real-estate names you’ve come to on the internet before when you were looking for a place. 

It makes you freeze in your spot, eyes glued to the daunting images of the apartment layout that Jungkook must’ve clicked on awhile ago, and you take note that he’s seemingly, specifically, looking for one-apartment bedrooms and studio apartments. 

Your mind goes into a sudden haywire at the sight. 

What does this mean? 

“Oh, hey,”

The embodied voice makes your head snap to its direction, and you see Jungkook standing in front of you in his sweats and shirt – his usual home clothes – with a charger in his hand. 

“Jungkook.” You say, or more like, breathe out. Your heart feels like it’s somersaulting for some reason at the sight of him. 

But Jungkook looks just as surprised as you. 

“I… I didn’t know you’re coming ho– back.” He says, and there’s a twinge in your heart that you ignore when you caught him pointedly avoiding the word home when pertaining to your place. Somehow, that felt intentional.

But you give him a smile. Probably a weak one. Probably doesn’t really look like a smile at all and more like a grimace. If Jungkook notices, he doesn’t say anything. Just goes straight to the direction of the highchairs on the island and plug in his charger for his laptop. 

Then, he turns to look at you. “Uh... you just got off from your shift?” 

“Yeah. You too?” You say, nibbling your bottom lip with your teeth. A nervous habit. 

“Nah, got off a few hours ago.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

“Yeah.” 

You nod your head. You stand there for a while, letting the silence that’s admittedly awkward hang in the air. 

It’s weird, really. Jungkook and you usually have a lot to say to each other – but right now, there doesn’t seem to be a single thing you can say to one another. 

It breaks your heart that’s the current case. 

“Well, uhm. That’s Zillow.” You say, pointing to his laptop. The moment the words left your lips you swear you could have slapped yourself. 

How stupid to ask him about it. How incredibly stupid for that thing to be your choice of topic after weeks of no proper communication with him. 

Jungkook seems surprised at this, though, turning his head immediately to look at his own laptop. There’s a certain jerk in his movements when he moves his fingers to the trackpad that closes the entire window of the internet and shows his wallpaper instead. 

“Oh. Yeah. That was… Zillow.” 

Stupid, stupid you makes everything even more awkward when you say, “You’re looking for a place?” 

Jungkook stares at you for awhile. There’s a pregnant pause, and then he nods his head. A bit hesitant. But his voice is full when he speaks. 

“Yeah.” 

So, he’s moving out. That’s what you think as you avoid looking at his face and let your gaze fall back to his laptop. 

You give him a small smile. 

“Ah. Good luck with the search, then.”

Your heart completely breaks when you say the words.

Suddenly, the words of your supposed confession get stuck and they die in your throat. You let yourself believe that coming home tonight would fix everything; you just had to go inside, talk to Jungkook, tell him you were sorry about what you said – and the rest would just do its thing and you'll be back to okay.

But he's moving out, and every bit of hope in you shuts down.

Jungkook doesn’t say anything for a while, and you’re just about to turn on your heels to go to your room but then he utters lowly, almost like a whisper. 

“It’s not final.” 

“Hm?” You hum, not sure if you caught that. 

Rubbing the back of his neck, Jungkook looks away as he says again, “I mean, I’m just looking. I was gonna talk to you before I finalize my plans.”

“Talk to me? Why?”

“Since we’re on a joint lease and all that.” 

“Oh.” You nod to yourself, dumbfounded. It's embarrassing the way you lit up with expectation when he said it wasn't final, for it to completely die anyway when he said that. You feel like you're not wanted. “Yeah. Right.” 

“I assume you’re tired from your shift, though, so maybe we can go over it tomorrow? Or any day you like, really.” Jungkook shrugs. 

“No, tonight’s fine,” You wave your hand, walking towards his direction and seating yourself on the chair beside him. You try to focus all your attention on the screen in front of you instead of Jungkook’s overwhelming presence. You’ve always thought he was big but tonight, he feels even bigger and you’re intimidated. “Are you writing a notice to the landlord?”

“Yeah – I mean, after we talk about the move, that is.” 

“Wow.” You can’t help but let out. “You really thought about all this while I was away?” 

You regret the words just as instantly as they leave your mouth. 

Looking at Jungkook hesitantly, you watch as his face falls, mouth opening and closing, as if at a loss for words. 

You take them back before he says something. “Sorry — I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.” Sharp and edgy, clipped and… angry. Sort of accusatory. Like you’re pinning something bad on him.

“It’s fine.” Jungkook says after awhile, returning back his gaze on the laptop. 

His withdrawal makes you deflate. He seems so uninterested. Is he done with you? Just like that?

“You know what,” You utter after a pregnant pause, standing up from the chair and getting back on your feet. “I actually have a headache. I think we should go over this tomorrow.”

Jungkook looks confused but he nods, anyway. “I just… stocked up on Advil yesterday. So, if you need it… it’s just in the kit.” 

“Sure. Thanks,” You give him a small smile. “I’ll, just go, uh, shower for a bit.” You point to the bathroom across from you. 

Before you go, Jungkook calls your name.

“__.”

You turn around to look at him. “Yes?”

“Are you…” He trails off. You wish he’d look at you like he usually does. “Are you back for good?”

You don’t expect that question at all. But you collect yourself on time to respond. “Yeah. I guess I am.”

Jungkook’s expression is something unreadable, so you throw him an awkward smile. You’re not sure if he returned it, because everything is becoming too much, and you can’t help but overthink every single thing he does. So, before you can dwell on that, you go straight to the bathroom to do your business. 

You shower quickly – you can’t focus when you know that Jungkook is just outside, and he can probably hear the water running. You’ve never really paid thoughts to these stuff except the first few weeks of moving in with him, but right now, there’s a certain awkward tension in the air and it’s slowly suffocating you. You needed to get out of the shower box quick.

And so you did, but you don’t expect the series of knocks on the door, with Jungkook’s voice behind it. 

“__?” 

“Y-yeah?” You stammer, wrapping your towel around you (that Jungkook thankfully hasn’t thrown out yet) with haste and getting to the door immediately to answer him. 

When you open it, Jungkook visibly freezes for a bit. And you realize you’re in nothing but a piece of cotton; bare underneath, droplets of water running through your body from the tips of your uncovered, wet hair. 

You consciously tighten the towel around your body, making sure to act unbothered when you say, “What?” 

Jungkook seems to snap out of the moment just as you did. When you follow the hand that he lifts, you see your phone in it. Weirdly enough, you had time to notice the way the device fits so small in his hand when you can barely wrap your phone around your fingers yourself.

What the actual fuck are you talking about, you tell yourself at the back of your head. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck—

“You left this on the counter. Mingyu’s been calling you.” 

It’s like you’ve been suddenly hit by a truck upon hearing the name.

“Oh. Okay. Sorry about that.” You take your phone when he offers it to you. You don’t know why but you avoid Jungkook’s eyes as you step out of the bathroom and press the decline button, causing the ringtone to stop abruptly. 

You don’t look back at him as you enter your bedroom, locking the door and throwing your phone on the mattress and going straight to your closet.

Nothing much has changed since the last seven or so days. What would change, anyway? It’s not like Jungkook has some sort of business in here. 

When you finished dressing yourself up with your usual pajamas, a worn-out tee and a pair of short shorts, you go over right to your bed, picking up your phone. 

The notification bar says that you have six missed calls from Mingyu and two texts. An upgrade from his three to four times in the previous days. 

See, it’s not only Jungkook or Doyeon or Nayeon or Taehyung whom you’ve been avoiding. It’s also Mingyu. The last time that you two talked was when you said goodbye to each other when he was catching his flight from the resort. You’ve completely shut everybody out after that thing happened, and again, it’s not your proudest moment. You’re only non-confrontational to a certain degree, but you usually handle your problems like a grown woman. 

You just really don’t know how to handle this one. 

But Mingyu’s been calling, and you haven’t answered or replied to any of his messages ever since. 

It’s just… everytime you think about him… it hurts.

It hurts to think of somebody you’ve given your trust to, only for them to step on it without any remorse. It hurts that you once thought he was going to be the one, only for him to end up as someone you’re starting to… hate. It hurts extremely that just eight days ago, you held this high level of adoration for him, but now you don’t feel anything at all but simmering anger. 

Sighing, you click on his message instead of sliding it out, gearing yourself for what you’re about to read.

gyu😽 [10:15pm]: Dinner at my place tonight? gyu😽 [10:32pm]: Can you pick up my calls?

You scrolled through the other ones he sent in the past week, and you find out that they’re simply just a variation of “do you want to have dinner together tonight”, “why aren’t you picking up?” and shockingly… a couple texts of “i miss you”. 

You’ve only been bullshitting when you told Jungkook that you had a headache, but right now that excuse might be true because you can feel a tick in your head, a certain bang on the front, and you just want all of this to end. 

Letting out a controlled breath, you swallow the lump in your throat as you type a reply. Finally.

You [10:50pm]: Can we talk tomorrow? 

To your surprise, Mingyu responds quickly.

gyu😽 [10:51pm]: of course. dinner?

You [10:52pm]: yeah. i get off at around 8 tomorrow.

gyu😽 [10:52pm]: I have some paperworks to attend to but 8 is fine by me.  gyu😽 [10:53pm]: Can we go to a restaurant? gyu😽 [10:53pm]: I haven’t cleaned my place so I thought we could go outside

You [10:54pm]: It’s alright. Also, no need to pick me up. I’ll uber. 

gyu😽 [10:55pm]: You sure?

You [10:56pm]: Yeah.

gyu😽 [10:56pm]: Alright then.

You don’t get a lot of sleep that night.

“Hey, sorry I’m a bit late. The partners had a meeting over at the firm,” Mingyu says, loosening his tie a little, breathing a bit sharp as he takes the seat across from you. 

You nod, giving him a small smile. Taking a sip from your water, you watch as Mingyu fixes his tie again, some sort of attempt to look kempt, like he hasn’t just run here. He was in a rush, and you feel bad that he had to go over here quickly when the partners meeting was probably something important. He could’ve canceled and you wouldn’t have mind. 

“So. Hi,” Mingyu greets you as if he’s making up for his rash entrance earlier. He gives you a smile, the one that’s his usual charming smile – you remember fawning over it the first time you met him. “How have you been?”

“Fine. I’ve been doing well.” you answer. In your lap, your fingers fiddle with each other.

You’ve thought about how you are going to go over this, but obviously the scenarios that played in your head yesterday and before you went here were so much more different than now. You weren’t an anxious mess in your imagination.

Mingyu nods. “That’s good to hear. Been doing fine as well.” He says casually. 

That makes something flare up in your chest.

Fine? He’s been doing fine? 

Before you can say something, a waiter comes up to your table to give you the menu, and that effectively keeps you from saying the words you were probably going to regret as soon as they come out of your mouth. 

You both tell your respective orders to the waiter before he walks away, leaving you two nodding and smiling ahead. When he’s gone, you’re left alone with Mingyu again. 

You look at him — and his usual suits and tie ensemble would usually make you gush internally about how good he looks, how you can still see the way he’s built under the pristine fabric of his clothes, and how attractive he is the way he carries himself. 

“I’m glad you called me tonight, sweetheart.”

And you don’t expect the way the hairs on your body tingle with… ick. 

“Sure.” You say, drinking from your glass of water again.

Just get over it, your mind convinces you. But how are you going to approach it?

Moments pass and then suddenly, Mingyu lets out a heavy breath. You peer up at him, raising a brow. 

“Alright, I’m not gonna skirt around this anymore, __,” He says, and his eyebrows are knitted in what seems like confusion when he meets your gaze. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been avoiding me.”

The confrontation somehow eases you even though it shouldn’t.

Licking your bottom lip – an anxious habit that you try hard to forgo – you compose yourself before you say, “I have. Yes, you’re right.”

“Why?” Mingyu asks with genuine curiosity. 

Somehow, this bothers you. Does he really not know or he’s just pretending not to know? Whichever it is, it does not really make you feel any better about him. If he’s pretending not to know, then he’s an even bigger asshole than you’re letting him on, but if he does not know, then that’s just even worse. Imagine doing all of those things and not being aware that you did something wrong enough to upset people? 

“I have to be completely honest with you, Mingyu. I want to break up.” 

The words come out easily as opposed to what you expected. 

Somehow, it’s strange, really. You’ve never dumped anybody before. Of course, you don’t count those casual dates you’ve had in the past two years because they were never that serious. But usually, in your long relationships, the other guy does the dumping and never you. 

So, right now, as you sit across from Mingyu, finally declaring what you’ve been thinking over the past week, you feel a sense of liberation. A cliché, really. There’s a feeling of discomfort gnawing at some parts of you, but you choose to ignore it, bravely meeting his gaze instead. 

“What?”

“I want to break up with you.” You reiterate, this time fuller so he knows your decision is final.

His mouth opens and closes, and there’s a pregnant pause that hangs in the air before he finds his tongue. “But why?” 

“Are you serious?” You can’t help but snap. “Do you really not know?” 

“No. Fill me in, because I’m confused.” Mingyu doubles down, and it fires you up a little bit. 

“Mingyu, Jungkook told me everything,” You say, and you notice the way his expression changes into something more… unreadable the moment you dropped Jungkook’s name. “And I mean everything. What you did with his girlfriend back in college, and what you said about me to goad him into a fight. I mean, what were you thinking, Mingyu? All of that was just… low. Even for you. I can’t believe you’d do any of that.” You catch your breath after you say the words, not realizing how heavy it would feel to let them out. You’ve never been confrontational, would prefer if the other person did all the talking, and to do this right now is taking so much from you.

“He told you everything?” Mingyu asks again. You watch as he relaxes his posture, and you grow confused when his lips curl into a smirk. “I knew he would do that. Come crying to you with his lovesick head. Did he finally grow some to tell you he loves you, then?” 

You recoil, not expecting that. “That’s none of your business.”

“It is my business. You’re my girlfriend.”

“I’m not anymore.”

Mingyu inhales a sharp breath. “So, you’re choosing him?” 

“I—I— what?” you blurt out, surprised at his audacity. “I’m not choosing anybody. And it’s really bold of you to assume that you’re still one of my options after all that.” 

Scoffing, Mingyu drinks from his water. He looks at you with a blank stare as he says, “Well, be honest with me now. Do you love him?” 

“Do I love him?” You chuckle, not the least bit of humor in it. “You don’t really deserve my honesty, Mingyu. You had all of those four months to be honest with me and you didn’t do shit. Don’t ask me any personal questions and expect me to give you an honest answer. Because I won’t give you any of it.” 

“You said a lot of things but I know you love him just as much as he loves you.”

“What are you talking about?”

This time, Mingyu’s tone borders on sharp when he leans down to get to you closer so you can hear him clearly. “You think it was easy for me to be in a relationship with you when all you could talk and think about was Jungkook? Jungkook who was only supposedly your bestfriend?” It’s said with so much wrath that you can’t help but physically recoil at his words. When you don’t say anything, Mingyu continues, “Jungkook told me this movie’s good, Jungkook said their aglio e olio tastes great, Jungkook and I were just talking about this — I could go on how many times you’ve always managed to insert him in anything even when we’re together, but I did not want to be that kind of boyfriend who got jealous over their girl’s friends, and I was that for you – and you think I’m the bad guy here?”

You blink, mouth opening and closing. You fish for some words, something to defend yourself with. Have you really said all that? Did you really do that? Did you really talk about Jungkook enough times that Mingyu took notice of it? 

You’ve always thought that your friendship with Jungkook is platonic. You’ve convinced yourself of that and Jungkook seemed to think the same — at least that’s what you thought prior to his confession – and you like to think that your friendship works, even though the majority of people don’t agree that opposite genders can be purely friends.

But… did you think wrong? Did you really just convince yourself it was platonic when all along… it was not? 

You don’t exactly recall the moments that you talked about him while you were with Mingyu. It’s hard to when talking about Jungkook just comes like second nature. You don’t count the times you see the grass being green – because they are and will always be green. 

And that’s what Jungkook is to you. He’s been such a constant presence in your life that you can’t help but bring him up in any case because… because it just feels right to do so.

Now you think about your relationship with Eunwoo. How he never really liked Jungkook. Did he think the same as Mingyu? Did you also talk about your best friend too much in his presence? Did he count the times you mentioned Jungkook’s name in your conversations? Do you really talk so much about him?

“See?” Mingyu says after a while and it snaps you out of your stupor. “Don’t tell me I’m a liar when you’ve also been lying to me this whole time.” 

“How dare you?” You snap at him. You can take him pointing out about the thing with Jungkook, but never this. “I didn’t hide anything from you. I was not the one with the history of cheating with their friend’s girlfriend and I didn’t talk behind your back like you’re merely just a piece of meat.” 

Mingyu visibly stills and you bite your lip after saying the words. You didn’t mean for it to come out that way. Didn’t really mean to say that in the first place. But it’s done and you can’t cry over spilled milk. 

Doesn’t negate the fact that you feel like shit, though.

“You think I didn’t regret what I did?” Mingyu says, a little quiet this time. If you weren’t at the quieter part of the restaurant, in a booth where the sound of the classical music and people’s chatters are muffled, you won’t hear him at all. “Jungkook and I were close, __. We really were. And I fucked up and ruined his trust. But you also don’t know how and why that happened. Jiyeon was already cheating on him before she hit on me–” 

“Oh, so is that the part where you volunteered to be one of her “victims”, too?” You say sarcastically, cutting him off, incredulous about the fact that he’s really trying to make excuses for himself right now. 

“We were fucking drunk– and high, okay? We didn’t know what we were doing.” Mingyu says through his teeth, and it’s the first time you see him lose control. He’s always so kempt and so composed, it’s baffling you’re seeing him in this state.

But you refuse to believe his bullshit. 

“You know what, I don't know why you’re saying this to me. You should be saying this to Jungkook and frankly, I simply don’t care. What happened back then is between you – don’t include me into any of your arguments ever again,” You say exasperatedly. “My issue is that – and why I’m breaking up with you in the first place – is that you lied to me, Mingyu. You lied to me about so much. And If I were to go through this relationship with you longer, I don't know what else you’re going to lie to me about, and I don’t want that. Let’s not waste each other’s time and end it right here, right now.” 

Mingyu leans back on his seat. “I can’t change your mind even if I apologize to you about that, huh?”

You shake your head.

He nods. 

“Alright.” 

You look at him again.

Kim Mingyu has sharp features that usually make him look broody from an outsider perspective, but you’ve seen the way he smiles and how gentle he looks when he does. Right now, though, he looks… genuinely sad. 

He lied to you, yes, but somehow, there’s still some part of you that wants to know if he felt the least bit genuine about you. That it wasn’t all just a ploy to get to Jungkook. 

“Did you really like me? Even for a moment?” You break the silence, voice breaking slightly at the end. 

Mingyu looks up at you and you don’t expect the way his lips curl up into a small smile. “Yes, __. I did. I liked you the first time we met and believe it or not, I still have feelings for you right now.”

You look away to avoid his intense gaze. 

It’s weird. It’s so weird. Because even though you know in your heart that he’s not and will never be good for you and that he’s not a loss, your heart still aches at the declaration. 

“I don’t really know if I believe that.” You say, almost like a whisper. 

“I’m sorry, then.” Mingyu says, and it sounds so sincere that you start to feel some sort of stinging in both sides of your eyes.

In what seemed like forever, the waiter arrives with your orders, and you both look up and offer him a hand in placing them on your table, bidding him thanks as he once again walks away. 

You and Mingyu both look at your food. 

“I think I’m going first. I have a trial tomorrow, so I need to take care of that.” He says suddenly. 

Nibbling your bottom lip, you watch as he begins to fix his shirt, ready to stand up. 

“Okay.” 

“__?” You look up at him when he calls your name. He seems to hesitate for a bit, but he says, “Can you… can you tell Jungkook I’m sorry?” 

Staring at his face, you try to look for a hint of sarcasm. Or anything indicative of malice. But all you see is sincerity. 

At that, you shake your head. “No.” Mingyu’s face falls. “Talk to him yourself if you really are sorry. I’m not your mailman, Mingyu.” 

He sighs. “Alright. I guess you’re right,” And then, “And I’m saying sorry, to you too, you didn’t deserve that. I was angry, and that’s not an excuse. So, I’m sorry. Will you…” he clears his throat. “Will you ever forgive me?”

You shrug. “I don’t know. Probably.” 

Mingyu gives you a timid smile. “Okay.” 

When he takes out his wallet and a black card from there, you instantly stop him from calling over the waiter. 

“No, it’s fine, I’ll take care of it. I’m the one who invited you here.” You say, talking him out of paying. 

He shakes his head, insisting, “It’s okay.”

“Seriously, I can handle it.” 

Mingyu lets out a chuckle which makes you smile a bit before you scold yourself. 

“I know. But can you let me? This is… this is probably the last time we’ll see each other.” 

At that, you relax back in your seat, staring at him. He stares right back at you. 

With a slow nod, you let him call over the waiter.

He departs with a small goodbye that you return with a timid wave. 

When you go home that night, you cried yourself to sleep, thankful that Jungkook hasn’t come home from his shift yet.

Things are… fine. 

Unlike your previous break-ups that left you in agony for the following days after it happened, the one with Mingyu did not really leave a huge emotional impact. It makes you wonder if you’ve overestimated your feelings for him… makes you question yourself if you really thought he was the one when things were fine, and you both dated happily. 

You don’t bother yourself looking for answers, because the relationship is done and there’s no point in going over the details when it’s you yourself who ended the ties. 

While that is not the sole reason of your melancholic feeling these days, it lies on another person; your roommate, Jungkook – your best friend of eight years who’s apparently been in love with you the whole time. 

It’s only been a few weeks ever since you talked about him moving out. He said it was about time for him to leave the place – he’s been here longer than you, after all. He wrote and sent the notice to his landlord, and it’s been about two weeks since then, so you assume he’s already got his approval. 

While things may look normal and right from an outsider’s perspective… things aren’t exactly the way they were before.

Jungkook and you are close. You share almost everything together. Your friendship has been honed throughout the many years and obstacles you’ve faced together and so it’s only natural for you two to be as close.

But nowadays… you can feel that closeness slipping away. It flares up something inside you; like that feeling of grief when you remember that friend in highschool who you stopped talking to after graduation. You don’t know exactly what the reason is for the abrupt end of communication, but the finish line is there and you’ve both reached it without the other knowing – and you’re left fending for yourselves, looking ahead at your own worlds and letting your lives flow to the stream of the river. 

It’s strange, really; how everything feels somewhat normal but also really under that condition. 

Jungkook and you would text each other nonstop – he could be in his own room, and he’d still text you about random shit that ends up with him going to your room anyway just to annoy you for a bit before you kick him out and you both go to sleep. He’d ask to borrow something – anything, ask your food preference for the night, and he’d always ask you when your shift ends so you can go together if your schedules align. Meanwhile, you ask him to join you in the living room for spontaneous movie nights, ask him to give you a massage, and you’d both talk about your days, catching up on the hours you weren’t together.

And now there’s none of that. 

Now, you both greet each other when the other one gets home almost like a chore. Like how your roommate from college used to welcome you when you arrived at the dorm from classes. When either you or he is in the living room or something, you’d both tell each other that “Dinner’s in the fridge, you can microwave it”, instead of “What do you think we should have for dinner?”. Jungkook asks if you need a ride to the hospital because he knows you don’t have a car anymore, but you refuse because it’s obvious it’s just for formality. 

You don’t know if it’s just the overthinker in you, but it feels like Jungkook’s pulling back and he has no intention of making things right – or talk about what happened. 

He’s so… he’s so civil.

And you miss him so much it makes you sad.

It makes you confused. Sort of mad. He makes you feel a lot of things – but you hate that you’ve just been compartmentalizing and not doing any processing at all. 

You spent the past few weeks pointing out to yourself the differences that your relationship is going through. You spend some nights beating yourself up whether to go barge in his room and confront him with everything – but you do none of that. 

Instead, you pretend everything’s okay. At the hospital, you’ve no longer avoided him and said hi which he returns with a smile. Nayeon, Taehyung, and Doyeon, thought at first that everything’s back to normal, but you know they’re slowly realizing that it has not. 

Tonight, though, at Nayeon’s reception party after her wedding, you try hard to ignore all those angsts and choose to enjoy yourself instead. It’s Nayeon’s big day. The last thing you wanted to be was a bum.

Everybody is socializing with each other, and since you’ve had your fair share of conversations with other people at this point, you choose to sit out on the dance.

Suddenly, Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl is playing and the majority coos and exclaims in excitement as they hurry to the dancefloor, some taking their partners along with them.

“Look, they’re playing your favorite song.” 

Your head snaps to the side in reflex to see who it was, only to see Jungkook. Words get caught in your tongue for a moment, a bit surprised to see him. You mean – sure, he’s been here for a while. It is Nayeon’s wedding, after all, but weirdly enough, you two haven’t shared a conversation yet throughout the day. 

Until now, anyway.

Recovering from your initial surprise, you scoot over to the side, giving him space to maybe… sit beside you? 

“That’s not my favorite song.” You scoff, sipping on your champagne right after, looking right ahead as you feel Jungkook situating himself on the chair beside you.

“Oh… has it changed now?” Jungkook says, and there’s a lilt of teasing tone to it that you look at him in wonder. 

Meeting his gaze, you find he’s just smiling at you. He’s in an off-white tux, a lily pinned on his chest pocket. He’s done his hair in that usual way he cleans up for formal events like this, gelled and parted slightly off center to show off his forehead. It’s slightly longer than you’ve last noticed it looked, and you think he hasn’t been trimming it… 

Nonetheless, he looks simply put… dashing. 

“I change my favorite song every five to seven business days,” you say coolly. “Anyway, why aren’t you there?” you point to where the flock of people is having a ball to Billy Joel.

Truthfully, you kind of wish you were there as well. You’ve always danced to that song in your room or in the shower.

“I’m right where I want to be,” Jungkook shrugs. “Why aren’t you there?” 

You lie, “I’m right where I want to be as well.” 

He hums. “You don’t want to show them your moves?” 

You look at him in disbelief, gawking at him. “Are you teasing me?” 

Jungkook widens his eyes, but you know he knows what you’re talking about, and it sounds like he’s trying to keep from laughing when he says, “No. I just happen to know you’re a great dancer.” 

With that, you feel yourself getting carried away by how easily your conversation goes. It makes you think about the old times – where talking to him always made your day because he's funny and he makes you laugh and you make him laugh.

“Fuck off. You know very well I have two left feet.” You chuckle, shaking your head at him.

“Wasn’t the case when you were dancing inside a boiler room during med school at that rave party we went to, but okay.”  

You can’t help but laugh louder, and with that, you jab a lighthearted slap to his bicep without thinking too much of it. 

“I told you that never happened.” 

“Oh…” Jungkook puts down his champagne and cocks his head to the side. “What happened?” 

You giggle. Yes, giggle. Like a schoolgirl. And you watch as Jungkook joins in your laughter, taking the glass close to his face to sip from it. 

Then: “You wanna dance?” Jungkook suddenly says, but he’s looking at the dancefloor. 

“Hm. Dunno. Uptown Girl isn’t exactly rave music.” 

That earns you a chuckle from Jungkook. “But it’s fun music, right?” 

Soon after, he stands up from his seat. You look at him questioningly, but he mirrors it back with an expectant gaze and a raised brow. Seeing you getting apprehensive, he offers his hand and that’s when you roll your eyes, taking his hand as you pretend to stand up against your will and follow him to the crowd.

You chuckle as Jungkook suddenly sways his hips to the upbeat of the song, moving his arms around playfully. You’d like to think he’s doing that intentionally – to make you laugh? Loosen up? Whatever the idea behind it, it’s effective, because you can’t stop laughing as you watch him. 

“Come on, we do this all the time!” Jungkook says over the loud music and people’s candid chattering.

And he’s not wrong because you do have mini parties in the living room of your apartment, pretending like the city before the glass wall across the area is your audience. 

But you two are usually drunk during those moments, and right now, with only one glass of champagne, you’re not near being tipsy. 

“This is so silly!” You exclaim, but you find yourself matching Jungkook’s spontaneous choreography, and it earns you a laugh from him as well. 

“And when she’s walking, she’s looking so fi-i-ne,” Jungkook sings along, gesturing to you. You cover your face because you can’t stop laughing at how he looks – how you two must look – but you’re almost sure nobody’s paying attention because everybody is just having fun on their own. He has a good voice, though – even though he’s trying to act goofy with it. Jungkook doesn’t like when people point it out, or more like, gets shy when you bring it up. 

Suddenly, he steps closer to you and reaches for your hand. Looking at him with confusion, still with that wide grin on your face, he gives you a playful smile before he guides your arm upwards. You utter a sound of a delighted snort, understanding where he’s getting at. With Jungkook guiding you, you do a mildly successful turn that makes you both laugh because as you were just getting back in your original position, you almost trip. Good thing that Jungkook’s there to catch you by the waist, the contact only lasting for a brief second before he lets go to dance on his own again. 

“I wish I was an uptown girl!” You yell over the music.

“You’re kinda an uptown girl if you think about it.” Jungkook responds, nodding his head as if he believes that. 

You chuckle, shaking your head at him. “No.” 

“Yes, you are. You’re sophisticated and elegant.”

“Well, this—” you point between your bodies, “– is not very sophisticated and elegant of me.” 

“Touché.” Jungkook laughs.

“But will you be my downtown man?” You say, not really thinking too much about it but then you suddenly realize what you just said and you’re about to add something to it – like putting a disclaimer that it was just a joke. 

But then Jungkook leans closer, ducks down to level with your ear. “I can be if you want me to.” 

The song ends and you barely had time to process what just happened before the soft piano progression of Carole King’s Will You Love Me Tomorrow begins to play. 

You hear the collective “Aww”s from the audience and you watch as everybody suddenly pairs up with someone else. As the first lyric of the song is sung, you can feel the upbeat energy from earlier dropping to a calmer atmosphere. Romantic, you’d say it is.

When you look at Jungkook again, he has a small smile on his face. It’s as gentle as the piano behind the song. 

“Can I?” He says. 

You nibble on your bottom lip. “You want to?”

Jungkook only nods, still smiling.

“Only if you want to as well.” 

You look around again. It’s not hard to spot Taehyung from afar on the dancefloor as well, with a gorgeous Hyerin in his arms. He doesn’t seem to notice you looking, though, but you watch the way he ducks down to whisper something in her ear, prompting a laugh from her. 

Putting your gaze back to Jungkook, you blink as you say, “It’s… okay, I guess.” 

“Okay?” Jungkook clarifies. You nod your head and he smiles that dashing smile again before he steps closer to you.

Slowly, he puts a hand around your waist. And you know he did it awhile ago, but the contact ended so briefly that you didn’t really have the chance to… somehow… savor it, maybe? But right now, as you fumble with your own hand, deciding whether or not you should put a hand on his waist as well, the proximity makes your breath hitch. 

Your heart beats abnormally fast against your ribcage, and usually, it’s not hard to stare Jungkook in the face – but you find it a difficult task to do nowadays. 

Jungkook, unsuspecting of your inner dilemma, only seems to notice your confusion with your hand placement, chuckling as he guides your wrist to his shoulder. He raises his other arm with yours and interlocks your fingers with his mid-air.

“There,” Jungkook says once you’re in the right position. “Now we look like professional dancers.” 

You wince. “What’s the next step?” 

“You’re taking this very seriously,” Jungkook snorts as he begins to move his feet. 

You try to match his pace, and that distracts you from the fact that you're so close you can smell his cologne very well. 

“Where did you learn this?” You ask instead, quite amazed at how Jungkook is approaching this. It’s not like you’ve never slow danced in your life – but you weren’t kidding when you said you have two left feet. 

“Wikihow.” 

“Wow.” 

“They can be super reliable at times,” Jungkook chuckles as he continues to swing you both gently. “Stop looking down.” 

You groan. “Ugh, no. I’m trying very hard not to not step on you.”

“So what if you step on me? Just relax.” 

Jutting your bottom lip out, you look up at him. “My heels are Louboutin.” 

“Even better.” 

“Stop.” You break away from his hold with your other hand to jab at his chest lightly. Jungkook lets out an “Owe!” but you know it didn’t actually hurt when he just grins down at you, placing his hand on your waist instead so now he’s just… simply holding you.

You ignore the weird feeling in your chest at the action, choosing to keep your hand on his chest. 

“You wanna know something?” You whisper. Jungkook hums. “I didn’t go to prom in highschool.” 

“What? Why?” Jungkook genuinely seems surprised to hear that.

You smile sadly, looking back at the memory bitterly. “Changsub and I were fighting around that time because I saw him at the mall with some girl the previous week. I was so angry that I didn’t care about what I’d be missing out on. My mom tried really hard to get me to attend, but I was very stubborn. Now I still regret not going to prom. My dress was really pretty back then too but I didn't even get to wear it.” 

“Damn,” Jungkook utters. “He really was such a dick to you, huh?” 

“Yeah. But it was still on me, though… I can’t believe I let a boy make me miss out on prom night.” You pout.

Jungkook’s quiet for a while before he abruptly stops his swaying. You look at him in confusion as he lets go of your waist. 

“Well, I don’t have a corsage… but this can maybe do?” He fumbles with his chest first before he takes out the silk lavender handkerchief from his suit’s pocket that matches his tie and the lily on his chest. He looks at you for a while before he takes your wrist in his hand. Your brows knit together as he ties the fabric around your wrist, making sure to finish it up with a ribbon – an attempt at a ribbon, that is. 

You chuckle. “What’s this?” 

Jungkook grins. “You wanna know something too? I didn’t have a date on prom night – was too scared to ask anybody out. I went home after the first hour. Wasn’t really a fond memory. So, prom night definitely sucked for me… what I’m saying is that, it’s not really all that.” 

You duck your head down to laugh, partly to hide the flutter in your heart at his words.

“So, like, is this our – what – our upgraded prom night?” 

Jungkook nods proudly. He takes both your hands as you laugh, wrapping them around his neck, taking you by the waist again. 

This time, you don’t feel like your breath is being taken away.

You feel… serene. The beating of your heart is back to normal. You realize, there’s a sense of comfort that comes from being close to him like this – talking and laughing like good old times. 

You miss him. You miss him so much and you can’t believe you ever considered accepting a life without him in it. 

“The dress looks good on you, by the way,” Jungkook comments, and it sounds so sincere that you can’t help but smile. As if that wasn’t enough to melt your heart, he adds, “And you look really beautiful.” 

“T-thanks,” you stammer, taken aback at the almost intimate way he looks right into your eyes as he said that. You tighten your hold around his neck. “You don’t look so bad yourself.” 

“Thank you.” 

You both chuckle, though there was nothing really funny said in particular.

Carole King’s gentle voice soothes you as Jungkook takes the lead of the dance. You’re not even doing anything other than just going with the flow, letting him take you wherever. There’s a moment when you were sure you stepped on his shoe, but Jungkook’s quick to dismiss you with a hush and saying it was nothing. 

Tonight with words unspoken,

You say that I’m the only one

But will my heart be broken,

When the night meets the morning sun

You scoff as you finally hear the lyrics.

That may have taken a hit on you. 

“This is so stupid.” You say.

Jungkook’s quick to react.

“Rude. I’m literally giving you a prom night from scratch.”

You look at him and you feel bad because he genuinely seems offended at your supposedly throw-away comment.

Shaking your head, you tap his chest lightly. “No, no. I mean– the lyrics. The song.”

Jungkook arches a brow. “I have a video of you crying over this song in your car when it came up on your playlist.” 

“I didn’t cry over this song.” You roll your eyes. 

“Not as much as you did over Silver Springs, anyway.” 

“Oh my god, why do you know so much, Jesus,” you hiss, embarrassed at being confronted by your dramatic antics. “I just meant, why are they playing such a sad song at a wedding? Who approved this?” 

“Eh,” Jungkook shrugs. “Maybe Nayeon’s a Carole King fan.” 

“Is she?” you ask, genuinely curious. If she is, she never told anybody.

“Maybe…?” 

You can’t help but laugh because of how the conversation progressed. Jungkook laughs as well, and he takes the jab you send to his chest with a light hand. They’re really hard, you think, and you don’t know what comes over you as you lean your head down and let your body fall towards him, laying your cheek on the lapel of his suit. It’s warm.

You feel Jungkook stilling in his position at your sudden action, but soon enough, he does nothing to pry you off like you feared for a moment he would, tightening his arms around your waist and swinging you both in that kind of laxed way. 

Shutting your eyes close, you let the soft melody of the song ease your nerves, basking in Jungkook’s presence and his familiar scent. 

You stay like that for a while, and just when the song is coming to an end, you feel Jungkook’s breathe in your ears, his lips almost brushing to the tips of your ears when he says, “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything back then, but I really miss you too.” 

You drank more champagne than you anticipated and it’s why you wobble your way into the bathroom to do some half-ass retouch. Just as when you were putting away your make-up, Nayeon comes out from one of the cubicles. 

“Hey, you gorgeous, gorgeous girl,” She says with a huge smile, now changed into a much simpler dress, in contrast to her voluminous one earlier.

You mirror her grin, opening your arms wide to engulf her in a hug. “Hi to you too. Congrats again on the wedding. I’m so incredibly happy for you. You and Minhyuk are perfect.” 

When Nayeon breaks apart from your hug, she looks at you closely. “I saw you with Jungkook earlier. Lots of people saw you two earlier.” 

“What?” 

“I mean… slow dancing to Will You Love Me Tomorrow in a weirdly intimate way was kind of insane, if you ask me.” 

“Oh, uhm…” you feel blood rushing to your cheeks as you grow embarrassed at the thought of people catching you in that position. You remember after the song ended, you made up some excuse about going to the bathroom to pee and you did – but you pointedly tried to stay out of Jungkook’s sight ever since.

One step forward, three steps back.

“How are you two by the way?” 

“We’re fine.” You say, giving her a reassuring smile. 

Nayeon stares at you for a moment. Then, she sighs. “You’re not, are you?”

“No, we really are. We’re– we’re talking, right?” You point out.

“But… he’s moving out of your place.”

“Well, he needs a change of scenery. He’s been there for four years so he must be tired living there.” 

Nayeon stares at you again and when you look at her face, your heart twinges as you see the disappointment written all over her features. 

“I don’t understand you both, really. You have this… this beautiful thing going on and you’re choosing to ignore that? It’s obvious that you feel something for him, __. Just be honest with him and see where it goes. I know you two are pretending that everything’s fine but you’re both hurting each other and you’re acting like it’s nothing – it’s all just unnecessary angst at this point. What are you two doing?” Nayeon asks. 

“I…”

“Come on, __. Do you really want to let each other go? Do you really want to drift apart? Because it’s been almost a month of pussyfooting. And I don’t know if you’re just expecting that your luck is not gonna run out, but it is going to. And I know you’re going to regret it.” 

You stare at Nayeon while listening to her words. You don’t expect the sharp edges to her voice. You’ve always thought that if someone was going to call you out on your bullshit – it was going to be Doyeon. She’s the bluntest in the group and would not hesitate to tell someone if they’re being a bitch or not – so you don’t expect Nayeon to be like this at all because she’s always been a soft-spoken sweetheart.

It's not like Doyeon hasn’t been harsh, either, though. You had a drink with her and Taehyung a month ago and let’s just say she kind of ranted about you feeling like you’re in a romcom or something. 

She shuts her eyes close, and you can just feel her frustration emanating. “I’m sorry – I know I’m being harsh right now. But I just can’t bear seeing you two like this. I just got married today and I feel like I’m learning and realizing so much right now and one of those is that I’m extremely lucky to have found someone I’m so sure of, and while Minhyuk was saying his vows I looked back at my past relationships and just thought that… that I’m so glad I was finally at that point and… and right now I can’t stop thinking about you two,” Nayeon sighs. “You two love each other so much. Everybody can see it. Why are you both running away from each other? What gives?” 

You look away.

You both do love each other. They are right.

And while you can’t exactly say if what you feel for Jungkook right now bounds in being in love – there’s quite literally only one thing in the world that you’re certain of, and it’s that he’s the most important person to you – the only one you can think of spending a lifetime with and not get sick of it.

And that was something.

But…

“Because it’s scary.” You say, finally.

“What’s scary?”

You inhale a sharo breath.

“For eight years I’ve always thought that we were only platonic. But somewhere in my head I always thought that he was my soulmate, you know? I thought about us ending up together and I remember liking that thought. But years went by, and nothing ever happened and I swear I was happy with Eunwoo but you know what I’m ashamed of all this time that I never told anybody?” Your vision of Nayeon gets blurry as you begin tearing up. “I think… I have been in denial for so long. I think… I think I secretly looked for a part of Jungkook in Eunwoo and I think Eunwoo knew that. I think everybody who I’ve ever been with knew that except for myself. Because I was in denial. Even right now, I’m still in denial. You don’t know how – you don’t know how strange it is to suddenly wake up and realize that you don’t see your friend as a mere friend anymore. You don’t know how hard it is to overthink things – like what if it doesn’t work out and everything falls apart? Our friendship is so important to me, I hold it in the highest regard, and I don’t want anything to ever go against it. But now I’m doing that myself and I just… I hate it. But I don’t know what to do. Jungkook’s moving out just like it seems like he’s moving on and I’m scared that I’m too late to do anything.” 

Your speech leaves Nayeon’s mouth agape, clearly not expecting your outburst. But she recovers quickly. She steps closer in front of you, and in a second, engulfs you in a hug. 

“I’m sorry,” you sniff, making sure to not let your tears fall down her dress. “I think I’ve been keeping that for a long time.”

“It’s okay… I’m glad you said that.” 

“Yeah… I think I’m glad too,” you both chuckle. 

“__?”

You hum.

“Just talk to Jungkook. If you’re worried about him moving out, he’s not. I can tell you that much.” 

You break the hug and look at Nayeon. “Nayeon, he literally has everything packed. I think he’s leaving early in the morning tomorrow.”

Nayeon fixes a strand of stray hairs from your hair framing your face. “Hm. He has?” You nod. “Well, as I said, he’s not leaving. Trust me. But you have to tell him everything that you told me just now. Be honest, __. It feels scary right now but, try to take a leap of faith, okay? This is not some toxic positivity shit or anything like that, but just be honest, alright?” 

Nibbling on your bottom lip, you look at her hesitantly. “Are you… are you sure?” 

Nayeon nods, and she looks so sure of herself that it may have fired up a little bit of hope in you. 

The party is still ongoing, but you decide that it’s time for you to clock out. After you bid your goodbyes to Nayeon and her now husband, to Doyeon and to Taehyung, you head out of the venue to try and book a taxi. You couldn’t find Jungkook earlier at the party, so you decided to send him a text that says you were going home. 

“Need a ride?” 

The ever-familiar voice expectedly appears to be Jungkook when you look at him. 

“Hey,” you greet. “No. I was just about to book an Uber.” 

Jungkook’s brows furrow. You think he looks handsome under the moonlight. “We can ride together in my car. I’m going home as well.”

“N-no, no, ‘s really fine,” you wave your hand, emphasizing your point. 

Jungkook grows more confused. Then: “Are you drunk?” 

You wince, hating that he instantly knows right away. 

“Sorta, kinda…” 

“And you want to Uber?” You pout. You hear him scoff. “There’s no way I’m leaving you alone in this state. Okay, let’s get you to my car.” 

“I’m fine, really,” you say but it sounds whiny even to your ears. 

“You can be stubborn all you want. But in the passenger’s seat.” Jungkook gives you a sharp stare, but his hold on your wrist is gentle as he guides you to the parking lot. 

He wears the seatbelt around your waist and lets you settle on your seat, rounding the car to get behind the wheel right after. You look away. You thought he'd be more... not nice to you since you just left him earlier with a poor excuse.

You feel guilty. So guilty. Jungkook is so... he makes you feel so loved but you're just... so confused. You're so scared it doesn't even make sense.

When he starts the engine, he asks, “Why did you drink so much?” 

It's easy to ignore the heavy thoughts in your head when you're half-asleep at this point.

“I dunno. The champagne was so good… I bet it was probably expensive. I can’t have that much free stuff until –” you stop, as if remembering something, sitting upright. “When is Taehyung’s wedding?” 

“He doesn’t have a wedding, ba—__. He hasn’t proposed to Hyerin yet.” 

You slump in your chair hearing that. 

“Why? They’re so perfect together… they should marry…” You say before dropping back down to your seat again. The AC in Jungkook’s car whirrs softly in your ear, and when you look to the side, you find yourself staring at his side profile.

He’s taken off his white coat, now left with a white shirt and his purple tie. He’s pushed the sleeves up to his forearms, showing the veins all over them.

“Jungkook.” you call him.

“What is it?” He says, momentarily looking at you before focusing back on the road.

“Can I…” you look at his hand. You sniff. “Can I hold your hand?”

Well, he does not expect that at all. But he smiles anyway, taking off one hand on the wheel and reaching for your own hand over the center console. You watch the way his huge palm dwarfs your own, and you almost sigh in relief when he laces his fingers with yours, squeezing your hand as he rests it over his thigh.

The last thing you hear is Jungkook’s soft chuckle before you completely drift off to sleep. 

When you awake, you’re in your room. Seconds after regaining consciousness, you notice the banging in your head – and when you blearily open your eyes, reaching around for your phone, you don’t find it. 

Groaning, you stand up from your bed, realizing you’re now in a shirt and some pajamas. But weirdly enough, you seem to still have your bra on.

You peek through the inside of your shirt and alas, the white lace of your bra from last night’s event welcomes you, and when you stretch the waistband of your shorts to check on your panties, you still adorn the pair of white thong, which means only one thing. 

You haven’t changed completely out of the garments you’ve worn to Nayeon’s wedding and you wonder how it all happened. When you look to the side, your clutch is placed on the nightstand and so you grab it, relieved to find your phone there. 

Shockingly, you read it’s only over 2 am. 

With furrowed brows, you go over to the mirror to check your ensemble. Your face isn’t and doesn't feel as heavy with make-up as it was back at the venue, and you’re definitely dressed down now. 

You remember passing out in Jungkook’s car after he insisted that you ride with him… and everything had been a blur since then. 

Suddenly, an idea goes into your head. 

Did Jungkook… change your clothes and remove your make-up? That’s the only plausible thing that you can consider because you honestly don’t remember ever dressing yourself or going to the bathroom to remove your make-up. And if you did change out of the gown, you would've opted out of your underwear as well. 

Maybe Jungkook did all that. 

And the thought makes you smile. But it drops just as quickly. 

You head towards your door and go straight knocking on Jungkook’s bedroom. 

You don’t expect him to be awake at this point, but when you hear steps coming your way and the doorknob clicking, you stare at Jungkook wide-eyed when he welcomes you with his presence behind the door.

“Hey,” He greets, predictably surprised to see you. “You’re awake.”

“Yeah…” your eyes don’t mean to subtly roam his room. Then that’s when you catch it. The bags lying around his bedroom floor and the neatly piled boxes to the side. Your eyebrows meet each other. “You’re packing?” 

Jungkook nods. “I’m leaving tomorrow, I told you that, didn’t I?” 

“Y-you did, yeah.” You stammer, blinking at him. You suddenly feel like throwing up. “Well, I just came to thank you for…” you trail off, gesturing to your clothes.

Seemingly getting what you mean, Jungkook’s lips curl up into a coy smile. “I hope you don’t mind. I tried to wake you up, but you were complaining about your dress when you were sleeping…”

“Yeah… I’m glad you took it off.” You wince. “That sounds wrong. Anyway, the make-up, too. I have to ask, did I throw up on you?” 

Jungkook laughs, incredulous. “No, no, you didn’t. Are you seriously worried about that?” 

“I just feel bad.” You give him a tight-lipped smile. 

“It’s okay. You should sleep now, it’s late. Do you have a shift tomorrow– or later, actually.” 

“Yeah, I do. But it’s the evening shift. So. You?” 

“I have the morning until three in the afternoon.” 

Nodding, you ask, “Are you leaving at three then? I mean, to your new place?”

“Yeah. Will just pass by here to get some of my stuff.”

You try to look for something on his face. But Jungkook looks casual at best. Now you remember what Nayeon told you. Was she lying when she said you’re going to convince Jungkook not to move out? Because from the looks of it, Jungkook doesn’t seem like anything would budge him from leaving tomorrow. He seems so set on a mission, and you can’t lie and say that it doesn’t break your heart. 

You find yourself thinking about the events at the reception party. How he threw you a quick prom, told you you were beautiful… how he said he missed you. 

Was that all a lie? Just something he said to avoid some sort of dead air? 

Because if he truly misses you, then why would he leave? 

You find yourself getting annoyed. 

“I’ll be back to my room.” You say to get out of the situation. You notice Jungkook getting taken aback by the change of your tone, even more so when you turn on your heels quickly to take the two strides it takes you to your own bedroom. 

In there, you throw yourself on the mattress, the impact affecting you a little bit. You must still be drunk because you feel your vision getting blurry a bit but as you quickly shut and open your eyes, everything goes back to normal. 

You sigh. 

Well, maybe you’re actually meant to be alone and it’s true that you’re not meant for any romantic relationships. You’ll die alone and you’ll just have to deal with the heartbreaks you went through your whole life. 

A stray tear escapes your eye, and you quickly raise the back of your hand to wipe at it. You glare at the wall dividing your and Jungkook’s rooms, finding it annoying that you’re not really mad at him. It’d be so easy if you were mad at him… but you have no reason to.

But why is he so stubborn? Why isn’t he saying anything? Can he just… can it just be him who takes the leap of faith, so you won’t have to? You know that’s unfair, though. It’s juvenile. 

In a burst of courage, you take one pillow from your bed and stomp your way out of your bedroom, finding yourself in front of Jungkook’s room again and knocking. 

He opens it, rightfully surprised to see you again. “H-hey, __, I thought—”

“Can I sleep here?” 

You can see the way his face contorts into confusion. “What?” 

“Can I sleep in your room?” You reiterate, but you’re already forcing your way in. You throw your pillow on his own heap of dark ones, frowning when you see the bags on the floor. “Are you just going to pack forever? You’ve been packing since yesterday.”

Your clipped tone throws Jungkook off a little bit, but he doesn’t point that out, though, when he speaks. “No. I’m actually done now.” 

“Okay? Well, then, let’s sleep.” You say, staring at him. He looks stoned in his position from the edge of the bed, so utterly confused. 

“Are you… still drunk?” 

“What? No.”

“O… kay?” Jungkook looks extra cautious when he seats himself on the mattress by your feet. “Are you sure?” 

“About what?”

“I don’t know. About not being drunk and… sleeping here.” 

“Yeah,” you answer, pointing out the obvious. “Why are you acting like we haven’t had sleepovers before? You used to sleep in my room when there was a spider in your closet.” 

Jungkook makes a face. “It was a huge spider.” 

You roll your eyes, going into a lying position, making sure to leave some space for him on the side. “Jungkook.” 

“Okay, I’m going. So demanding.” 

He playfully clicks his tongue as he lays on the bed as well, sliding his body across the mattress. He doesn’t expect the way you take his arm to spread it on your side of the bed, and you don’t let him say another word when you lay your head on it, keeping your hands close to your chest as you snuggle beside him. 

You could feel there was a moment there that Jungkook stiffened for a bit, but he relaxes just as quickly, feeling him caress your head tentatively as if feeling you out before he goes for it completely. 

“This is what you’re gonna be missing out on when you move out.” you mumble.

You’re grateful when he only says: “Hm?”

“Nothing.” You open your eyes and because of the close proximity, your eyes are at the level of the side view of his chest, and you see the way his thin white shirt clings to his body, rising up and down with his breathing. “I saw your keys earlier. I’m glad you like the Claddagh.” 

Jungkook laughs. “The Claddagh, huh? I knew you knew what that keychain meant,” You frown when you realize you were supposed to pretend you didn’t know that. Oh, well, he figured you out right away, anyway. “I really like it, by the way. It was very thoughtful,” Jungkook says. You can’t see him in your position, but you just know he has a smile on his face. He sounds like it. 

“Thank you. I thought about gifting you a watch… but watches are expensive, so…” You decide to joke, and Jungkook laughs which makes you smile. 

“I would choose the Claddagh any day. I just… I really like it. I interpreted it as a deep sense of belonging and shared history, and I’ve known you for eight years, so that seems very fitting. I’m glad you chose to give me that.” 

It was also a reminder of your relationship. Your love for each other. The loyalty that lies in its foundation, and how you’ve managed to build that over the years. Jungkook’s ultimately your soulmate – that you’re sure of – even though that’s a bit of a cliche and you don’t exactly believe in it entirely. A bit of a conflict, really, since you’re a hopeless romantic. 

But you’ve long known that you and Jungkook are more than just friends. You trust and respect each other beyond words – and it’s more than what you could say about your previous romantic partners. Sure, there was that sense of admiration for one another with your ex-boyfriends, but Jungkook is different. He’s always been different. 

You’ve known that all along – but it’s only now that you decided to read between the lines. 

And you want to tell him that. So badly. But you choose to let the gentle tips of his fingers lull you to that comfortable annexe of warmth, easing you from overwhelming thoughts. 

Has Jungkook always felt like the embodiment of comfort for you? Has he always felt like everything good you can imagine having in your life?

Then, you feel him lean down to the top of your head. “You smell so nice. You aren’t my soulmate after all.” 

That makes you violently crane your neck up to look at him. “What?”

“There was this article that Tae sent to me. It was from Cosmo, I think. It says you’re not supposed to be able to smell your soulmate.” He says, looking so serious that you can’t figure if he’s bullshitting you.

You lean on your elbow so you can look down properly at him, saying, “That’s not even plausible. Since when was Cosmo reliable to you? That’s ridiculous. We literally have four hundred different types of olfactory receptors which help us perceive various smells – I mean, unless you’ve damaged them somehow, or there’s a disruption in your signal transduction, or you’re anosmic – which I know you’re not – then I don’t think that’s true.” 

Jungkook laughs and you can’t help but frown. 

“It made sense, okay? If you ignore the science stuff.”

“You’re a doctor.” You quickly counter.

He rolls his eyes. “I mean, for the record, I believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life, so that’s that.”

“Ugh,” you flop down on the bed again, falling back on Jungkook’s body. He scoots closer to hold you close against him, which you welcome casually. You don’t even know how you got this comfortable, but you’re glad either way. He feels so big and warm. “Are you going to show me that Youtube video of top ten UFO sightings around the world again?” 

“You don’t think that Nebraska one looked very real?” Jungkook says with disbelief.

“No,” you turn to Jungkook only to find him already looking at you. “They were college boys, Jungkook. They probably just turned nineteen or something. Have you seen their eyes in the video? It was pixelated as hell, but if I were that high—”

Jungkook suddenly snorts, effectively cutting you off. “Ohh, if you were that high?”

You jab at his chest which only makes him laugh louder. 

“I tried my first weed with you.” You pout.

Jungkook catches the stray hair that falls from behind your ear and hides it back there again as he says, “You coughed nonstop and had a sore-throat the next day. You have baby lungs.” 

You roll your eyes and go back to lying on his arm. “Whatever. All of that still doesn’t justify that we’re not soulmates.” 

“The concept of soulmates doesn’t even have a scientific explanation.” Jungkook chuckles. 

“No…? But there's psychological research about it; the attachment theory, look it up.” 

“There’s also cognitive dissonance.” Jungkook pitches in. 

“That’s so mean!” You gasp, but you know Jungkook’s only teasing when you see that he’s got that huge stupid grin on his face.

He apologizes in between his laughter, squeezing your waist a bit before he says, “Okay, okay. But what if you’re my soulmate, but I’m not yours?” 

“That’s not how soulmate-ism works. Isn’t it nice to think that there’s like a system to it? Like if you’re my soulmate, then that would automatically make me your soulmate. It doesn’t make sense otherwise.” Your eyebrows knit together as you explain.

“I guess you’re right…” Then you hear him letting out a loud sigh. “For what it's worth, I think I’d be really happy if I was your soulmate.”

You smile against his pec after he says the words. 

You like Jeon Jungkook. You like him so much it’s starting to feel unbearable.

There’s silence that hangs in the air for some time before you look up at Jungkook alarmingly. “Kook.” He doesn’t say anything. You lean on your elbow again to peer down at him, only to see that he’s now closed his eyes. “Jungkook.” 

Finally, he stirs. But his eyes are still closed. “Hm?”

“Don’t sleep yet.” 

“Uh-huh.” He gives your waist a brief squeeze again.

“I’m watching you.” 

He chuckles. “What is it?” 

“Let’s talk more.” 

“How are you still not sleepy?” 

“Because…” you drop your head down to his chest this time. “I want to know if you could ever —” you shrug, staring at his ceiling. “—cannibalize someone.”

“I like this. Conversation’s getting raunchy,” You hear him snorting through his breath. “Is this your pillowtalk?” 

“Yes.” 

“In that case, that’s an interesting question. I have never really thought about that.”  

“Really? Never?” 

“I’ve never been in any situation where I had to think about that, thank god.”

You laugh together. “Okay, but if you really had to, would you?” 

“I don’t know… I’m a huge germaphobe, you know that. But I guess humans inherently have indomitable spirits and that conditions us to do whatever it takes to ensure our survival under extreme conditions. I don’t think I’m beyond that.”   

You nod against his chest. Mindlessly, you start tracing random lines over his shirt, and you wait for Jungkook to pry your hand off or say something to stop you or ask you what you’re doing, but he doesn’t really say anything. 

“It’s fascinating, right? The way we can just alter our brains and mindsets when we’re put under certain conditions. It’s amazing and weird at the same time how we work psychologically.” 

“Exactly.” You feel Jungkook nodding. 

“This is– of course this is not an extreme condition where I have to cannibalize someone,” you chuckle, which earns the same thing from Jungkook. You continue, “but you know when you’re experiencing a heartbreak and you think it’s the end of the world but then you wake up one day and suddenly you’re fine? 

When Jungkook turns quiet, you know you’ve touched on a subject that feels personal. 

You sigh. “I broke up with Mingyu awhile ago.” 

“Oh.”

You hum. “Yeah… like a month ago?”

“Ah. I had a hunch.”

“But you didn’t ask,” you smile. “Well, anyway I just want you to know.” 

Silence.

Then, “Do you feel… do you feel sad about it?” 

“That’s what’s weird,” you say. “Because I don’t necessarily feel sad about the break-up, or the relationship. But it’s more like – the thought of breaking up with somebody again.” You chuckle, but there’s no humor to it. “I feel like you can only take so many break-ups in your life before you completely give up on love, you know? And it’s like… I don’t even get it… I mean, I’m decent, aren’t I? I can hold up a conversation, I make sense, I have a good job, and I don’t look bad – although, maybe that’s what’s wrong all along?” You swallow the lump in your throat. “Am I ugly?” 

“Hey,” Jungkook calls, and you feel him rising from his lying position just as you feel tears slowly streaming down your face. 

You scold yourself for it – because what the hell even is this about? Just earlier you were talking about cannibalism and now you’re tearing up. Your emotions are all over the place, and it doesn’t help that Jungkook’s quick to dote on you, guiding your back as you both sit on the bed instead.

You inhale a sharp breath. “Look at me, I’m a mess,” you look at him through blurry eyes, hoping to look apologetic at the very least for barging in his room at fuckass o’clock and disturbing his packing and not noticing that he’s been in love with you for the past eight years. God, you want to say sorry for a lot of things. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying, it’s not that deep.” 

“If it’s bothering you then it’s a big deal. And I’m looking right at you,” Jungkook wraps an arm around your shoulders as he looks you in the eyes. “I’m looking at you and you’re beautiful, you’re intelligent, and you’re the funniest person on Earth I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I’m so glad I met you.” 

“Well… do you still feel that way when I only ever seem to come to you when I wanna vent or cry?” You ask, attempting to joke, but your voice breaks at the end.

It cracks a smile on Jungkook’s face though. “That’s not true at all. You also come to annoy me.” 

Your laughter turns into a sob and that’s when Jungkook wraps an arm around your shoulder to pull you close to his side, letting your head fall to his bicep and resting his chin on top of yours. It’s a barely-there gesture, but you’re pretty sure you feel him kiss the crown of your head. 

“I know… I know we still have a lot to talk about, __. That we’re glossing over the important things. But I want to say sorry. I never said sorry about what happened back at the resort. For Mingyu. For doing what we did. I never said sorry about bombarding you with all those things and for taking so long to talk to you just because I was scared. But right now, I’m saying sorry. I have been completely unfair to you all this time.” 

You quickly get out of his hold to look up at him. “No, you—” 

“Just…” Jungkook cuts you off. “Just let me, okay? I know you’re gonna say none if it was my fault but you’re right about what you said. You’re right about doubting my feelings for you.” 

“Jungkook…”

He nods. “I was in denial for the most part about my feelings for you. Ever since that thing happened with Jiyeon in college, I found it hard to trust somebody again. I slept around in my last year of college because it made me feel good about myself, made me think I was desirable and that someone cheating on me doesn’t mean shit when I had all those women who willingly slept with me. I was like that during my first year in med school, too. Couldn't really get serious with somebody because – because what if they do the same thing again?” Jungkook smiles bitterly. “And then… I met you. It started out as a crush and I was so sure it wasn’t going to be more than that, but then, we were in almost the same classes and we became friends,” Jungkook looks at you fondly and you almost melt in his arms. “And then I found myself liking you, and then I fell hard – really fucking hard,” he chuckles to himself. “It was during spring break of second year when I realized I was fucked and that I was in love with my best friend.” 

“S-spring break?” You whisper, not sure what he meant. 

“You don’t remember it?” Jungkook asks. He looks over your face and suddenly he’s caressing your cheek with his fingers. He swipes his thumb over it, wiping a stray tear away. He smiles before he says, “I caught the flu that time. I called you, but you were over at your parents. Then the next day I woke up and you were at my place telling me to take care of my health because how can I study medicine when my immune system is shit.”

“Oh, that…” you trail off. Suddenly, the fragments of that time become clear to you. The flu wasn’t that bad, only took him three days to fully recover.

“Yeah. But then that was also the time when you told me Eunwoo asked you to be his girlfriend and that you said yes.” 

You inhale a shaky breath.

“I– I tried to forget about my feelings, because I didn’t want to harbor all those feelings for you when you already had a boyfriend. I went to all those dates in the hopes that I could feel something from someone. I tried to date Sora. It was good. It was a good partnership. But then… Eunwoo proposed, and I don’t know – I guess I deluded myself so bad that I have fully moved on from you since then – but then I was faced with the reality that you were going to spend your life with somebody else and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was so bad at handling my emotions. So stupid. Sora broke up with me because she figured I love you.” 

You stare at him with your mouth agape. You would've never guessed why they broke up. You always thought they were so perfect for each other… 

“And yeah, the break-up with Eunwoo happened and it took you two years to heal. I didn’t want to make a move because I simply didn’t want to be that kind of guy who takes advantage of a woman’s vulnerability after a break-up, you know? And we moved in together two years ago and…” You wait as he trails off. “I guess I just got comfortable with our set-up.” 

“How do you mean?”

“It was like, everything I imagined us to be. Living together, sharing everything together. I thought no one could take that away from me, even if I didn’t ask you out. I’m not telling you to believe it, but I wasn’t with a lot of women for the past two years… yeah, sure, I dated them very briefly, but it was out of genuine attempt to find somebody for myself because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship by confessing. Being your best friend was and still is more important to me than being your boyfriend. I couldn’t care less how I can have you; I want you in any way – and if that meant being your platonic friend the rest of our time, then I was that. I am that. Even now.”

You can’t find your words. You’ve imagined your talk countless times in your head, but they all fell short to give you a taste of what the real thing would be like. 

“So… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for keeping my feelings for nearly eight years. I’m sorry I kept something important to you about Mingyu. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. Just… I apologize. I feel like I broke your trust.” 

It’s quiet for a while before you break the silence.

“Jungkook,” You call him. He meets your gaze. It’s soft and it’s sweet and you realize he’s always looked at you like that. How could you have not noticed? “You’re very important to me.” 

“I’m glad.” He smiles. A small one that makes him look all boyish. The urge to keep him in your pocket even though he’s much bigger than you becomes huge.

“And I want you in any way, too.” You say, staring intently at him. 

You watch as Jungkook stares back at you. There’s an agonizing stretch of seconds when you see his eyes darting down from your eyes to your lips, and you don’t mean to bite the bottom one, suddenly feeling the thick tension rising in the air.

“Can I hug you?” You swallow the lump in your throat. 

“I would really love that.” 

You don’t know how it happens, but the last thing you see is Jungkook’s wall clock pointing to 3:15 am before you let your eyes rest.

[ READ BELOW ]

this chapter is not over yet! tumblr has a 1k paragraph/block limit in a single post and so i can't put the whole thing in this. please look thru the reblogs to read the last scene of the chapter and the EPILOGUE.

[buckseb]

light in the dark

pairings — avenger!james (bucky) barnes x bff!fem!avenger!reader

summary — in which, she’s been struggling for far too long and bucky seems to be the only one who notices.

word count — 6.0k.

warnings — angst, fluff, best friends to lovers trope, use of pet-names [sweetheart, doll], mentions of trauma, depression, suicidal thoughts/attempts, eating disorder, basically reader just being completely miserable, bucky literally being the most comforting and softest man in the world, mentions of reader being an empath, kisses, lowkey a hurt/comfort fic. also, i ended up leaving this fic with the promise of the reader and bucky getting together at the end, instead of a for sure type of thing, mentions of reader being organized and her stress-cleaning coping mechanism and being a bad liar.

notes — y’all, i know i have a LOT of requests to get through, BUT i haven’t really had any inspiration/motivation and have been having a LOT of writer’s block. soooo... i am writing this, because recently i’ve been literally at my absolute worst—the rockiest bottom ever. anyways, the point is, in this fic, i’ll be talking about some very serious things that i’m now and have been dealing with for awhile now. i also want to say that if you yourself struggle with these things too and it’s a big trigger or a sensitive topic for you, PLEASE, don’t feel obligated to read it. this is really just for me to get my feelings out and try to cope with my super messy life right now and also to show that you’re not alone if you go through any of these extremely important and serious issues yourself. it’s okay to not be okay. anyways, gif and divider creds to owner!

p.s., feedback is very much encouraged and appreciated <3.

main masterlist

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO it anymore — she can’t.

it hurts too much — she knows that all too well.

her mental illnesses were bound to cause her to lose interest in things and to even grow distant and unmotivated to do things.

but, as an avenger? that took even more of a toll on the woman than you’d ever believe.

it most certainly doesn’t help that she’s had to keep all of this hidden from everyone — especially bucky. 

that’s the thing, though.

he’s not just her colleague. he’s her bestest friend in the entire world — the one person that she turns to for almost absolutely everything.

well, maybe not everything.

where her mental state and stability is concerned, he doesn’t have a single clue. and that’s certainly not his fault.

sometimes, people are just really good at hiding the truth.

and [y/n]? she’s practically a master at that particular skill. 

although, granted, it’s not like she wants to lie to him — it hurts her so much to lie to the single most important person in her life.

but, she’s seen so much of what he’s gone through and she just couldn’t bear to be vulnerable with him about her own issues.

that’s why, as [y/n] lazily walks into the kitchen of the compound, she plasters on a mask that only shows her tiredness and grogginess, hoping that no one is quite awake yet, but still playing it safe, just in case — she isn’t completely sure if anyone is out on the couch, or on any of the other very comfortable furniture in the living room.

although, she doesn’t even bother looking in the direction of the spacious room that is the living room.

she’s much more concerned with brewing up some coffee — also known as her favorite drink in the world.

i know what you’re wondering.

you’re probably asking yourself right now, “why in the world would she be making herself coffee with the mental illnesses that she has and especially, when all she really wants to do is curl up in a ball and sleep forever, without ever wanting to wake from that said sleep?”

really, you’d be right about that — usually. 

but, [y/n] is a very responsible person — she likes to be organized and to take care of things. 

although, having these mental illnesses that obviously slow her down and hold her back, do take a toll on her.

especially, when she’s constantly forcing herself to and needing to still be responsible.

and the reason for her making herself some coffee is simple.

what is coffee normally used for?

it’s used by people who desperately need to stay awake, right?

and that’s what [y/n] needs today. 

she especially needs it because her body is always tired and her mental illnesses doesn’t help the repetitive mental exhaustion that she feels every single day. 

and because she likes to take care of her responsibilities, she refused to just lay around all day when her room becomes a complete mess by every passing day. 

everything in her room is all disorganized and everything is really just a trail of different messes — her room is a disaster. 

and she knows that if she wants her friends and family to believe that she’s fine, she can’t just leave her room a mess.

because if anyone saw what it looks like now, they’d question her on why she wasn’t being her normal clean-freak self and the well-organized woman that she is. 

and if that happened? they’d know something is up with her, because she is a terrible liar — they’d see right through her. 

and if anyone can notice or realize right away that there’s something off about her, it’s bucky, most of all — he knows her like the back of his hand.

and that scares her.

that’s why, when she had shifted in her very comfy bed and her eyes fluttered open as a groggy groan left her lips and her eyes caught the mess on her floor, and then slowly the rest of her room, she couldn’t take it anymore. 

she knew that if she couldn’t even shoulder these simple responsibilities — like keeping her room clean and organized — how could she keep the truth from her friends?

so, that morning, she forced as much motivation and positive energy into herself as much as possible and knew that she would get her room cleaned, whether it took all day, or not. 

and here we are now — that’s how she got herself out of bed with a familiar sense of determination that, deep down, she had missed. 

within a few minutes, she’s successfully gotten everything together and started the coffee and moves to sit down on a stool and rests her elbows on the table with her hands holding up her head.

her eyes tiredly close, her big and messy bun nearly towering over her forehead in a crooked stance. 

besides the coffee pot slowly filling up with more steaming hot coffee by every passing minute, there’s not any other sounds or noises distracting her.

after realizing this, a warm smile — one that she hasn’t had for a long while now — makes its way onto her lips, feeling at peace with the relief of being completely alone, for once. 

but, that one blissful moment of being able to let down her walls and just be in the moment, is slowly killed as a throat clearing fills the room.

[y/n]’s eyes fly open in surprise, immediately catching the man before her moving to sit down on the stool across from her.

her mouth opens and closes repeatedly, like a fish underwater.

seeing this, bucky chuckles, his steel blue eyes twinkling with amusement.

“sorry, doll. i didn’t mean to startle you.”

despite his apology, [y/n] awkwardly laughs, feeling caught.

“i—i just didn’t know anyone else was up yet.”

even though he’s her best friend, she really can’t help but feel how she always feels around him — nervous and warm inside.

her heart beats a little bit faster when his gaze suddenly becomes more intense.

it’s the fact that she knows that look in his eyes — it’s the one he gets whenever he can’t see through her and is trying to figure her out. 

in his defense, her walls have obviously gone back up and he can only see the mask she’s wearing — she’s making it very hard for him to understand her in the moment.

but, what he does know, is that something else entirely is going on.

although he can’t quite place what it is, he still worries about her — he knows how she feels like a burden for opening up to others.

in seconds, maybe even in minutes — neither bucky, nor [y/n] herself could say because when they were with each other, time always seemed to slow down — they both become completely lost in each other’s gazes.

but, as the coffee pot starts to suddenly beep, it not only cuts their moment short, but it also shakes [y/n] out of her daze.

she shakes her head, breath hitching in her throat as the barnes man continues to watch her carefully — he’s testing her.

with the chance to distract herself with getting ice in her cup and mixing some creamer in with her coffee, after having poured it in, she stirs everything together. 

then, she takes a few moments to gather the courage and strength to will that same fake smile onto her lips. 

once she officially has her mask placed back on her face, she turns around with her cup.

although she smiles, the happiness doesn’t quite reach her eyes — this is what concerns bucky the most. 

but, before he can confront her, she’s murmuring something about needing to get back to her room and rushing up the stairs and back towards her bedroom door. 

—————

THE NEXT FEW DAYS ARE much more confusing for bucky. 

after he noticed that there was something off about [y/n], he couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility that she’s hiding something from him.

he literally spent every waking moment of his time paying a much more closer look to her and her actions.

and eventually? he saw it — the very thing she’d been hiding for far too long. 

it really was hard to figure it out — like it or not — because [y/n] had spent so much time perfecting her acting and how she carried herself when she wasn’t alone. 

and worse than that?

it broke bucky to realize that even he, her best friend in the entire world — who knows her the best — couldn’t even notice that something was different about her, this entire time. 

what he has noticed, though, was the little things.

like how she’d barely talk to anyone anymore — even during missions. or how she’d barely leave her bedroom. or how he could now see right through her fake smile now.

but, the moment that she walks into the kitchen again after that day, the rest of the avengers — including bucky — are there. 

as she walks in, the dark bags under her eyes and the messy clothes is the first thing they all notice.

steve and bucky turn to face each other with the same concerned expression. 

[y/n] stops in her place, her eyes widening in shock — she didn’t expect to find anyone in the room at that point. 

and in truth, they probably wouldn’t have been in there — waiting for her — if it weren’t for bucky’s concern and worry over her. 

and trust me, he feels extremely guilty for consulting them and bringing them into the situation.

but, at this point, he didn’t know what else he could do.  

“h—hey, guys… what’s going on?” she stutters out, already becoming extremely nervous about them finding out the truth. 

bucky frowns as wanda steps forward in concern for her friend — he knows [y/n] hates confrontation.

the ex-soldier’s eyes drop to the ground as steve cautiously watches the exchange between wanda and [y/n] happen before their eyes.

“[y/n]... is everything okay?” wanda asks in a gentle voice, but it’s no use.

because, despite the fact that wanda only has good intentions of helping her friend to get better, it was the wrong thing to say to her — so wrong.

[y/n] cocks her head to the side as her eyes widen in shock.

she laughs disbelievingly, before shaking her head in further disbelief. “are you actually fucking kidding me, right now?” 

as she spits out the words, wanda gulps nervously, seconds before steve steps forward and gently leads her back to her place beside natasha. 

“you want to know if i’m okay? well, i want to know if you guys are okay, because clearly something is up if you are acting like this!” the worked-up woman exclaims breathlessly, not being able to help but get defensive with them. 

although getting her frustrations out is helping with letting out her anger, [y/n] can’t help but feel bad.

these people are her family — people that she loves with all of her heart and would literally die for. 

but, she also feels so mad at them.

i mean, how could they question her like this — acting like they all of a sudden care about her well-being — but not have noticed any of her off behaviors before, when it first started? 

it made her feel so hurt to realize that she had to be acting out for her to finally be noticed. 

“doll—” bucky begins to say, stepping forward in slow, hesitant steps, after noticing her unshed tears beginning to become noticeable. 

but, [y/n]’s had enough. “—no, bucky!” she exclaims in an uncontrollable sense of burning anger she’s never felt before in her entire life. 

bucky freezes, his eyes widening in shock at her tone of voice. 

even [y/n] herself becomes surprised at how angry and upset she sounds.

but, she doesn’t let them see it — she doesn’t want them to see how utterly weak she feels. 

taking a deep and calming breath, she turns away from her best friend and faces the rest of her so-called family, more tears clouding her [y/e/c] eyes.

“you guys are supposed to be my family! but what kind of family doesn’t notice the agonizing pain that one of their family members is in?” she questions as her voice wavers in utter heartbreak — something that she can’t believe she feels in this moment. 

she heaves in a deep breath as every one of them begins to feel consumed with an overwhelming amount of guilt and regret.

but, no one feels the same amount of concern and guilt that bucky feels over her.

he steps forward once more, already knowing how alone she must feel right now. 

“[y/n]—”

his voice comes out in barely a whisper, his heart panging painfully at her hurt expression as she struggles to look any of them in the eyes after what she had just blurted out.

but, she was bound to snap at some point. especially, with how she was holding everything in.

in that moment, she barely hears her best friend say her name.

everything just slows down and all she feels is the heaviness of the pain she’s going to have to carry by herself for the rest of her miserable life. 

her bottom lip trembles and she jumps, snapping out of her numb daze as bucky’s touch on her shoulder and gentle look in his eyes startles her. 

“n—no. please… buck, just don’t. just leave me alone… ” she murmurs in anguish as her voice painfully cracks, before she’s backing away from him and rushing to run up to her bedroom. 

in any other situation, bucky would probably have listened to [y/n] and just gave her the space she asked for.

but, not in this situation.

not when his best friend is going through all of this by herself, with no one showing her the support and love she deserves.

and even though she hurt him — and the rest of their teammates, too — he knows, deep down, more than anyone that the second she’s calmed down, she’s going realize of what she’d said in her moment of anger.

and that? that would be good for her because she’s always been sensitive when it comes to feeling things.

what i mean by this, is that the team likes to say that being an empath is her superhero powers because of how deeply she feels things.

it’s always been one of the things that everyone loves about her the most — not the feeling the negative things so intensely, but the way she finds the good in everyone, no matter what they’ve experienced or done.

in the moment, as [y/n] races up to her bedroom, bucky hesitates to go after her — he wonders if he should wait awhile before going after her. 

wanda — noticing his hesitation and his thoughts — steps forward with a concerned look on her face.

the moment [y/n] had backed away from them all, her thoughts had not only become destructive, but they also became suicidally reckless. 

“james, i know you must think that leaving her be is the right thing to do. but, it isn’t,” as wanda’s concerned look only becomes more intense, bucky turns to her with confusion placed on his face. “i read her thoughts. she’s going to do something she’s going to regret — if she’s by herself. you’re the only one who can stop her.”

“what makes you think that i’d be the only one to stop her? everyone here is just as close to her as i am.” bucky states furthermore, still not understanding why she didn’t suggest steve or natasha to go after her — they’re just as close to [y/n] as he is.

the witch rolls her eyes and glares at the man stood before her.

“barnes, are you an idiot? you are her best friend — she trusts you the most. she needs you, not us.” she states slowly, hoping that saying it like that will help him make more sense of it and shake himself out of his confused state and go after the woman he’s so helplessly in love with. 

tony steps forward, deciding to make a joke out of the situation, rather than insult bucky, even with their rocky past and history, “barnes, just get the hell out of here, before one of us sorry dumbasses realizes what she just said about all of us.” 

bucky stares at him with an annoyed stare. 

with a sigh, steve steps forward, rolling his eyes at his friend’s terrible pep-talk.

“what he means, is that you have to go after her. we all know how you feel and it’s quite clear that she feels the same.”

even as he hears those words, bucky finds himself in denial.

although he’s been doing a lot better, he can’t see [y/n] feeling the same feelings — the same angsty, intense feelings — that he has been carrying for her for so long. 

he sputters, bringing up his hands through his short hair in wild stress, “i—i can’t just go in there and confess my feelings! she’s going through something painful and we all know how intensely she feels things.” 

steve places a hand on his buddie’s shoulder, understanding the sense of panic and fear and rejection consuming bucky.

“i mean, what the hell am i supposed to do, steve? there’s no way she loves me like that. what if i say something wrong?” he asks — more to himself than steve.

steve chuckles.

“buck, it doesn’t matter if you say something wrong. i’m guaranteeing that this is all going to work out the way it’s supposed to. besides, what’s important is that she knows that you’re there for her — she can’t let us in and open up with us, until she does it with you.”

as he hears his friend’s statement, bucky pauses for a moment, suddenly finding some clarity in his advice. he’s right, isn’t he? 

but, that’s not what he’s thinking about in this moment.

what he’s thinking about is of the countless moments that [y/n] was always there for him when he was having nightmares, despite going through her own issues.

even when she was struggling with loving and accepting herself, she always seemed to have time for him.

especially, when he’d try to push her away, [y/n] still made him aware of the fact that she’d always be there for him.

and now? it’s his turn to do the same for her.

with that single mindset placed in his head, bucky takes a deep breath, before walking off in the direction of his best friend’s bedroom. 

the moment [y/n] is finally inside her room, she slams her door shut and slides down it.

breathless sobs and gasps leave her as she fully sits down against it and covers her mouth to mask her pain from the others. 

all that goes through her brain is, what could she have done differently that would’ve made it seem like everything was fine? 

i mean, there had to have been something that could’ve helped her keep everything hidden from her family. how did they figure it out? 

[y/n] doesn’t know for sure what exactly everyone knows, but she does know that they know that something is up.

it was clear from the moment she had walked into the kitchen and had caught the concerned looks they all wore.

but, before she can freak out furthermore about this small little conclusion, there’s a soft and gentle knock on the door.

“doll?” bucky calls out in a soft murmur, trying to do his best to make her feel safe with him. 

[y/n]’s eyes go wide in both shock and surprise, trying to surpress the gasp that so-desperately wants to escape her lips.

but, despite not wanting to face him, she surprises herself when she stays completely quiet. 

every time she had always been around bucky, when things had been hard for her, it was so easy for her to open up to him. 

but, for some reason, she’s able to ignore her heart — in which, is telling her to open the door and open up to him about what’s really going on. 

her breath hitches in her throat when she hears him grunt and move to sit down against the other side of the door. 

when bucky doesn’t say anything else, [y/n] sighs, staring off into space. 

it almost feels like hours as they both sit in silence.

and even at one point, bucky’s so quiet — he’s waiting for the right moment to talk to her — that she assumes he’d already left when she heard the front door shut. 

if only she had known that that was just the rest of the team leaving because they had decided to give both her and bucky some space.

not only had they left because it was quite obvious that things would get messy when bucky would have his conversation with [y/n], but also because it was only going to get more complicated and intense because of the fact that bucky is just as in love with her as she is with him. 

because of the fact that [y/n] had assumed her best friend had finally left her alone, it was fairly simple for her to become much more calmer, before beginning to stand up. 

but, the second she opens the door, bucky almost falls through the threshold, causing a shocked grunt to leave his body. 

she inhales sharply, mentally scolding herself for not making sure that he had actually left.

even as it’s too late to avoid him further, [y/n] doesn’t hesitate to back away further inside her room and go to slam the door shut.

but, at this point, bucky has already gotten up from the ground to confront her.

so, before she can quite actually slam the door in his face, he places one of his feet in between the door to keep it from shutting completely.

“doll, we have to talk about this.” he murmurs in a wavering tone of voice, the hurt and concern clear in it.

bucky places his hands against the wall right before where the door meets it, leaning his body forward as he tries to stay patient. 

there’s a part of him that’s not only upset at [y/n], but also angry at her for keeping something from him that’s so obviously hurting her.

but, he also knows that it isn’t fair to her to be angry at her for struggling by herself — he can’t blame her for being the type of person that hates burdening people with her problems and issues. 

as she hears the hurt in his voice, she stops, freezing in place.

tears begin to cloud her eyes as she realizes of how much this entire situation has hurt him.

it hadn’t occurred to [y/n] that she was hurting anyone else, while she was hurting herself.

and hurting bucky? that had never been her intention. 

the only reason that she had kept all of this to herself, was because she couldn’t bear to burden him.

i mean, he’s been through so much, and he’s still struggling to accept himself as a good man. 

but, hearing the pain in his voice?

it’s almost as if a switch goes off inside of her and suddenly, the stubborn mindset that she’d been listening to for god knows how long dissipates into nothing as she slowly pulls the door back and reveals herself fully.

as [y/n]’s red, teary eyes and her shallow breaths become much more obvious and visible to bucky, she bites down onto her bottom lip and glances straight down to the floor. 

seeing this, bucky sighs.

“oh, doll. c’mere,” he murmurs, before walking through the doorway.

before he can quite get to her, she puts a hand up in the air, motioning for him to stop. 

she shakes her head, struggling to let go and to let him in, instead of pushing him out.

“james… ” she trails off in a trembling tone of voice, the fear of hurting him or letting him in breaking her in this moment. 

hearing her call him by his first name brings a flutter to his heart.

this is mostly because of the fact that bucky absolutely loves when she calls him james. 

there’s just something indescribable about her calling him james.

it makes him feel noticed, like she sees him as the real him, not the person that hydra created. 

but, the flutters in his heart doesn’t last very long because of the fact that [y/n] only ever calls him by his first name when the situation is serious or whenever she’s feeling pretty sappy and affectionate towards him — i know that second part sounds romantic, and it kind of is, but bucky doesn’t know this. 

and now, bucky knows that this is hardly a sappy moment between them, so that leaves it to being a serious moment.

“sweetheart, it’s okay. you can trust me, i promise.” he murmurs, taking another step forward, not wanting to overwhelm her further.

after all, this is the closest he’s ever gotten to her letting him in — especially, most recently. 

she shakes her head again, the war going on inside her head becoming so hard to fight that she harshly turns away from him and heaves in a breathless sob as she wrings her fingers into her already snarly and messy bun of hair.

“i—i can’t… ”  

with a sigh, trying to keep himself from worrying about her more, bucky slowly and cautiously walks up behind her.

“[y/n/n], please. you need to talk about this. if you don’t, it’s only going to get worse.” 

another trembling sigh leaves her as he gently places a comforting hand on her shoulder.

she jumps — only slightly — before strictly reminding herself that it’s only him — only bucky.

within a few more minutes of just calming silence between the two, [y/n] forces herself to turn around to face him, and tries her very best to ignore the intrusive thoughts overwhelming her darkened-by-the-minute-mind. 

bucky’s hand stays placed on her shoulder as he gives her a soft look — one that distracts her with the butterflies and fluttering of her heart. 

she sighs softly, frowning as she tries to find the words to explain what she’s feeling.

because in reality? there really isn’t any easy way to explain the complicated things she feels and thinks on a daily basis and how it affects her every day. 

as she opens her mouth, though, bucky moves his hand to her cheek, cupping it.

then, he interrupts her, “why don’t we go out to the kitchen and we can make some lunch? then you can try to tell me what’s really going on?”  

although the thought of eating food suddenly makes her super nauseous and like she could throw up in that moment, [y/n] nods silently and follows him out of her room and down the stairs to the kitchen.

as she glances into the living room, after hearing the shocking silence, bucky chuckles as he starts to pull out some peanut butter and bread.

“the team left a little bit after i went after you.” he explains as she nods in acknowledgement, but still, wears an extremely nervous expression. 

she finds it hard to believe she’s even considering telling him what’s going on.

she never does that.

not even with him.

she used to, but not recently — the trauma she’s gone through over the years has brought her unhealthy coping methods.

the moment bucky finishes making them some sandwiches with chips and places them in front of her on a paper plate, [y/n] gulps nervously as she avoids looking up at him — she hadn’t told him about her eating disorder.

“doll? are you not hungry?” bucky’s muffled voice from eating his sandwich snaps her out of her nauseous state. 

she glances up at him, with the same nervous expression.

“i—i’m fine, bucky.” she whispers, trying to ignore the unshed tears that are now beginning to cloud her eyes.

bucky sighs at this.

“well, you don’t seem fine. and you’ve also been lying and saying you’re fine when everyone knows you’re not. so, sorry to say this, but i just don’t believe you right now.” 

she stays silent, before finally pushing the plate away from her as she glances away from both it and her best friend.

because of the overwhelming emotions she’s beginning to feel from everything that’s going on, the tears finally drop, causing her to quickly wipe them away.

“doll, you gotta talk to me. i know something’s going on and honestly? it’s scaring me. i need you to be honest. i know it’s scary because you’re not like that, but i promise you, everything’s going to be fine.” he says, suddenly getting up and standing in front of her as she moves, so that her body is facing away from the counter now, too. 

you hear that? you’re scaring him. wouldn’t it just be better if you did everyone a favor and left, so that they won’t have to deal with you being a constant burden? 

that negative voice in her head echoes in her head, but she refuses to listen to it. 

for some reason, she finds some will power to tell that voice no.

she will never kill herself, just to end the pain — it will only hurt bucky.

and she can’t do that to him. no matter how much she’s suffering. 

“buck… i never told you this — any of it. but, things have been different for awhile. i don’t know how or when, but they just did. and it’s been really hard for me.” she starts off, not daring to look at him as she tries to find the words to describe what she’s been feeling all this time. 

after hearing her begin to explain herself, bucky grabs his chair and moves to sit in front of her, patiently waiting and giving her that look that always makes her feel safe with him. 

“i can’t explain it, really. but, all i can say… is that i’ve been really struggling with my mental health — there’s this cruel voice in my head that’s darkened things for me and it’s made me feel really negative about myself to the point of where i feel like everyone would just be better off without me around anymore.” she whispers, wincing when a sharp intake of breath is heard from bucky.

“doll… ” he whispers, but she holds up a hand, interrupting him, “that’s not all. i’ve just been really also struggling with my anxiety. and the other thing that i never told you is that i have an eating disorder — i’m anorexic. i can’t stand the smell of food or the taste of it and it makes me sick to my stomach — that’s why i refused to eat earlier.”

bucky’s speechless as he looks at her in shock.

all he can think is, she went through all of this, without anyone to help her? 

“w—why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, tears now forming in his own eyes as she fidgets nervously with her fingers, scared he’ll yell at her, or get angry with her.

i mean, he has every right to — at least, in her head he does — when she kept all of this a secret from him for so long.

but, he doesn’t.

he simply grabs her hands and holds them safely in his own, trying to give her some kind of comfort — enough to give him an answer. 

[y/n] takes a deep breath as her eyes stay placed on their joined hands.

“i… i was scared of how you’d react — you and the team. i know you guys would never judge me, but some deranged part of me feels like you guys are constantly judging me and secretly hate me. it’s why i feel like you all would be better without me in your lives.”

“doll, you know we can’t survive without you — and i mean, everyone. we wouldn’t last a day without you. you’re the whole reason the team is so good together — you’re the glue that keeps us held together. you know that, don’t you?” he murmurs seriously, scooting closer to her so that he can tuck a single strand of her hair behind her ear. 

as she looks up at him, her breath gets knocked out of her when she sees the look of adoration in his eyes.

“buck… ” she whispers, tilting her head.

“y—you really mean that… don’t you?”

“of course i do. i’m always here for you, no matter what happens.” he states softly, almost getting lost in her hopeful eyes.

then, as if he can’t control himself, he glances down at her lips, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with this sudden compulsion to risk their friendship and kiss the hell out of her.

“james… ” she trails off, she herself glancing down at his own lips — his lips that look so damn inviting.

and before he can think, he slowly leans forward as he lifts his hands to hold her head in his hands and presses his lips to hers.

her eyes flutter shut, and everything stops for a moment — all the thoughts, all of it. 

the kiss itself leaves them both breathless and more in love with each other.

when he pulls away, he places his forehead against hers and breathes in deeply.

“sorry.” he whispers, but she just giggles.

“you’re apologizing for kissing me? am i that bad that you can’t imagine us sharing a kiss?” she giggles out into a teasing tone, but some truth still hidden behind it. 

“of course not!” he exclaims a little loudly, offended that she’d think that. 

[y/n]’s eyes go wide at the volume of his voice as his own also widen in realization as he sighs and chuckles a moment later.

“sorry. i just mean that i don’t get why you’d think that i’d not want to kiss you.” he mumbles in an embarrassed tone of voice.

with a sigh, [y/n] nods.

“i’m sorry, too. i hate that i always need to be reassured that people actually like me or aren’t going to abandon me.” she murmurs as they pull away from each other, before bucky moves to stand up and lifts his hand up in the air, waiting for her to take it.

she furrows her brows in confusion.

“what?” she questions, tilting her head to side in further confusion.

bucky rolls his eyes at her cluelessness, before looking back down at her with a pointed glance. “you and i are going up to my room and we’re going to talk things out. it’s what you need, and at this point, i’d rather you talk to me and no one else than you not talking to anyone at all and suffering by yourself.”

after hearing those words, a soft smile makes its way to [y/n]’s lips.

then, she sighs and places her hand into his as he lifts her up to stand in front of him, before leading her up the stairs to his room.

the moment she walks into the room, a sense of safety and calmness takes over her, immediately washing her of the darkness she had felt only minutes ago.

she smiles at the realization that the darkness hadn’t followed her into bucky’s room.

and she knows exactly why.

even when [y/n] hadn’t told bucky everything, she always felt safe with him.

and that is still true in this moment — more than ever, even. 

and a freeing smile takes over her current one as she realizes more as she steps through the door that bucky is her light — he’s the bright light that leads her through the darkness and into eternal happiness.

maybe she isn’t fully healed from what she’s been through and how she’s dealt with it recently, but he’s the light that’ll help bring her back to life, slowly, with time.