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supernaturalgirl20 · 2 years ago

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The Decision

Pairings: Marcus Pike x F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, couple fighting, mention of divorce, separation, mentions of fertility issues, Marcus being a little bit of a dick, cursing.

Chapter summary: you both decide to end your marriage and separate but what about the family tradition of Christmas with the pike’s?! Can you really pretend to be together for 7 days?! Or will the cracks start to show?

A/N: this will link up with my Xmas writing challenge (you’ll see 😏) Thank you to Chloe @misspearly1 for the beta. You’re a little gem 💎

Series Masterlist

Comments and reblogs really appreciated 🥰

Silence befell the room, though the mental suffering was audible in your stammered breaths as you sit staring at your husband - his hair slightly dishevelled from running his fingers through it frustratedly - you can’t help the way your heart breaks just a little more.

How had it all come to this? You ask as the image of your wedding day flashes through your mind and the watery smile he had on his face when he saw you in your dress for the first time. The day was beautiful, the love was young and strong, yet it feels like a distant memory. It feels lost and forgotten.

A deep sigh escapes his lips, pulling you from your thoughts as he slowly lifts his head to face you. “So, this is it then.” He says and you’re not sure if it’s a question or a statement, but you nod anyway. “It’s for the best. I mean, you said so yourself.”

“Yeah, I know. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, though.” He looks away briefly and shakes his head, pondering in thought as if memories were flashing across his mind too before looking back into your eyes, “I still love you. I always will, it's just…we’ve drifted apart and I’m so tired of all the fighting.”

“I just wanted to spend time with you like we used to. Before…” You look away too, shaking your head as you take a second to calm your emotions before speaking. “...You’re never home anymore, Marcus.” You say calmly.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he huffs in frustration, “I know that,” he runs his fingers through his hair once more before lifting his head to look at you, “I know but I’ve got that big promotion coming up, I’ve told you that. Fuck! We can’t keep coming back to this.”

“Isn’t that why we’re separating?” You snipe sarcastically.

“That’s not fair.”

“I know, I’m sorry. What will we do about Christmas? It’s only a week away and your mom has everything organised.”

Marcus sighs again, slumping back on the couch with his head facing up at the ceiling. “Fuck I don’t know. She’s gonna be so upset about this. It’s gonna break her. Maybe we could…no, never mind.”

“No, what? Tell me.” You move your hand to rest on his thigh and you think you hear his breath hitch at the contact. It’s the most you’ve had in weeks and a huge part of you misses how it used to be.

“Maybe we could just go and not say anything.” He’s looking at you now, his eyes soft and pleading as he waits for you to answer. “Marcus, we can’t not tell them.”

“No, I know, that’s not what I’m saying,” he says as sits up. “We could just wait until Christmas is over, just give mom one last Christmas dinner with us together?” Your eyes trace the outline of his face, taking him in like this will be the last chance you get. His tongue darts out to lick his lips and it almost breaks you. He has so many little quirks that you spent years learning and now you’ll never see them again.

“I guess we could…. I mean it’s only for a couple of days, but when everyone else leaves after new year’s we need to tell them.”

Marcus is nodding his head furiously, “we will, I promise.” A smile breaks out over his face as he places his hand atop yours, giving it a quick squeeze before he shifts off the couch and stands. Your heart shatters as you stare at his now empty spot on the couch beside you. “I got to get back to work,” he says as he grabs his keys off the side table. Clearing your throat, you stand and follow him. “Yeah, of course. I’ll… I’ll start packing my things I guess.”

He falters in his step but quickly recovers giving you a forced smile before he nods and then leaves, the door closing loudly behind him. It’s over. It’s really over. Your breath hitches as you begin to sob, crumbling under the weight of your grief. Your hand rests on your stomach. If only you’d been able to have a baby. Been able to give him the family he always wanted. The one you always wanted. Maybe then he would have been home more.

Wiping the tears away you pull yourself together and make your way into the kitchen to make tea. It won’t fix anything, but it will help. At least your nan used to say so. Then you can start packing. It’s just a week. You can survive that at least. Well, you hope you can.

***

The week passed much the same with Marcus constantly working late, only coming home to eat and sleep. He had completely moved into the guest bedroom and the nights were colder without him, but this was your new reality now, you would just have to get used to it. He wouldn’t be there to wrap his arm around you and pull you close after getting in late or tickle you in the mornings to wake you up before you’d make love. A knock to your door startles you, “Hey the cab will leave here in 20, so if you wanna shower before, you better do it now.” Marcus’s voice is muffled by the door, but you can still hear the impatience in it before the sound of his footsteps fade down the hall. You take in a shuddered breath as you lay back in the bed and star up at the ceiling. Time to face the music.

***

Marcus is quiet in the cab only speaking when he absolutely must, and you hate that it’s come to this. You’ve become strangers. “So, how’s work going? Making any head way on the promotion?”

“Jesus Y/N, can’t you give a rest just for once about the job. Can’t we just spend our last few days together not arguing?” He doesn’t even turn to face you as the harsh words slip past his lips. “I was only asking,” you say trying to hold back the sob that’s threatening to leave your lips. “No matter what you think of me, I still care about you. I’m… I’m sorry.” Turning quickly to face the window you try to hold back the tears, but they come out as a strangled sob.

“Hey,” Marcus whispers softly, his tone laced with regret as he rests his hand on your thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze. When you turn to face him, he reaches out to cup your cheek as his thumb gently wipes the falling tears. “I’m sorry… that was uncalled for. I hate making you cry. I seem to do a lot of that these days.” He trails off as his eyes flick down to your lips quickly before he clears his throat and removes his touch. “Were almost at the airport. Try get some rest.”

***

The rental car is small and electric, and you roll your eyes at how this is so typically Marcus trying to always save the world. Ironic when he didn’t seem to want to save your marriage. You let your eyes drift over his form, and you can’t help but notice the way his jeans hug his thighs snuggly or the way his t-shirt stretches a little over his muscular arms. It sends a spark straight to your cunt and a heat begins to build within you.

“You ok over there?” He asks, concern lacing his voice. “You look a little flushed.” Marcus’s eyes drift over to you briefly and you feel your face heat up even more. Clearing your throat, you turn your gaze back out the window. “Yeah. All good.”

“Sure? I can pull over if you want some air?”

“No, its fine, honestly. We’re nearly there now anyway.” You huff out a breath hoping he’ll get the hint and let it go.

“I’ll just pull over it’s no big deal.”

“Jesus Marcus, just leave it. I said I’m ok.” You huff in frustration and Marcus mumbles something under his breath you don’t quite catch. “What did you say?”

“Nothing.”

His hands grip the steering wheel a little tighter and you can see the muscle in his neck strain a little. You hate the way your body is betraying you, even now. “No say it, come on. Get it off your chest.”

“Fine. You want to know what I said?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have asked otherwise”, you snipe back at him.

“I said you’re getting more like your mother every day. Old and bitter. All you ever do is complain.”

You gasp, feeling like you’ve just been kicked in the gut “You take that back.” Marcus shakes his head. “You’re an asshole, you know that?”

“You tell me it enough.” Marcus runs a hand through his hair and sighs in exasperation. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. How are we gonna play nice for seven days in front of everyone? We can’t even sit in the same car together for five minutes without arguing.”

“You wanted this. I was happy to just tell them over the phone, but you didn’t want that so you’re gonna have to suck it up. Or don’t, I don’t care anymore. You can always leave me at the next hotel and tell your mom yourself, be a man for once.”

“How did we end up like this?” Marcus sighs and you swear when you look at him his eyes are welling with tears. “I ask myself that every day. We used to be so close, you were my safe place. Do you remember that Christmas we decided to drive to your parents and got snowed in half way, so we hauled up in a cheap motel for the holiday and just ate diner food and watched hallmark movies on the shitty tv?”

Marcus smiles over at you, a warmth filling his brown eyes that you haven’t seen in what feels like forever. “That Christmas was my favourite. It was just us.” He says in a soft voice as he stares out the window and continues to drive. “Yeah, it was mine to.” Silence fills the car and then you’re pulling up to his parents’ house. Once the car is parked the front door swings open and Mary Pike waves vigorously at you both. Clearly excited to have her family home for Christmas.

Smiling back at her you turn slowly to find Marcus’s gaze already set on you. His eyes hold an emotion you can’t read but before you can even question it, he’s shaking his head and plastering a smile across his face. “Show time.” He leans over and kisses your cheek before hopping out and greeting his mom. You place your hand on the cheek he kissed, the ghost of his lips still lingering there before you take a deep breath and follow your husband. This was going to be one long week.

Part 2

Everything: @maievdenoir @amneris21 @hnt-escape @elegantduckturtle @harriedandharassed @jediknight122 @ayrusss @hayley-the-comet @sherala007 @alexxavicry @scorpio-marionette @donnaa @practicalghost @tanzthompson @beskarprincessjenny @littlemisspascal @icanbeyourjedi @thatpinkshirt @maryfanson @sunnshineeexoxo @misspearly1 @misspearlssideblog @athalien @its--fandom--darling @sara-alonso @doommommy @browneyes-issac @trickstersp8 @nembees @kaitieskidmore1 @mswarriorbabe80 @allthe-ships @tintinn16 @hungrhay @rosie-posie08 @manuymesut @all-the-way-down-here @iccedays @dindjarinswhore @tusk89 @graciexmarvel @pedrostories

#pedro pascal #marcus pike x reader #marcus pike #marcus pike x f!reader #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal characters #marcus pike x female reader

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holylulusworld · 2 years ago

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The pie whisperer

Summary: Dean gets lost and found.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Baker!Reader

Square 25 filled for Lulu’s XMAS Bingo: Lonely on Christmas

Square 20 filled for @spnchristmasbingo: Pie

Square 2 filled for @anyfandomaubingo: Baker!Reader

Warnings: none, fluff maybe

Words: 600+

Divider by @firefly-graphics

Dean doesn’t know why he strolls through the deserted streets. He puffs out a huff and rubs his arms with his hands.

“Freezing my ass off wasn’t in my plans. Thanks for nothing Sammy,” the hunter grumbles. His brother wanted them to check on yet another mysterious death, only for Sam to run off with Eileen to find a specific book. “If you want to get laid, warn me next time.”

“Sir, can I help you?” he cocks his head to glance at you. “You look a little lost. Do you want me to show you the way?”

“I was looking for—�� he shrugs. Dean doesn’t know what he was looking for. “Food.” He clears his throat. “What I meant is that I was looking for a restaurant.”

“Oh, this,” you jab your finger over your shoulder, “is my bakery. If you are hungry, you can eat here.” You won’t miss the chance to lure in yet another customer. Christmas Eve or not. You need the money.

“Bakery,” he gasps audibly. “Do you have pie? Real pie. Not the crap they wanted to sell me at the other bakery. They called it pie, but it was cake. Cake! I hate cake. I want pie.”

“Well then,” you snicker as he hopefully looks at you, “you got lost in the right place. Follow me inside if you want some pie. I’ll grant you the Christmas discount for lonely hearts.”

“I’m not lonely,” you unlock the backdoor of your little bakery to let him in. “I don’t celebrate Christmas. My brother is out and about with a friend or his girlfriend. I don’t know, to be honest. They didn’t put a label on it yet.”

“You don’t celebrate Christmas. How sad,” letting him inside you sigh. “I have to work on Christmas Eve to make some more money. Holidays seasons always mean fast cash.”

“Fash cash, huh?” you close the door behind him and lock it. “Did you lure me in to make more money, miss?”

“Nah, I was bored, and you looked like you need food and hot cocoa,” you shrug. “Do you want some pie and a hot beverage or not, Sir?”

“Dean,” he says while looking around your little bakery. “Why are you not at home and celebrating Christmas?”

“My parents worked all their life. Six years ago, they gave me half of the money I need to open my bakery. I wanted to pay them back and gifted two tickets to Paris to them for Christmas.”

“You’re alone on Christmas too.”

“Kinda. I chose to be alone on Christmas to make the people I love happy,” smiling softly you watch Dean sit down at one of the few tables at your little bakery. “It’s only one Christmas. And I made a lot of money.”

“Hmm…” he nods thoughtfully. “What kind of pie do you have?”

“Whatever your heart desires,” you give him a wink. “People call me the pie whisperer for a reason. My bakery is named the pie whisperer too.

”The pie whisperer,” Dean smirks. “I like it.”

“Now, tell me what you want Dean.”

“Do you have pecan pie?” he hopefully looks at you. “Or apple pie.”

“Pecan pie it is.”

Dean watches you cut two slices of the pecan pie you baked this morning. He smiles as you add whipped cream.

“How did you know I was lost?” Dean asks as you carry two plates toward the table. “You seemed to appear out of nowhere too...”

“I just knew,” you place the plates onto the table. “Merry Christmas, Dean. I’m glad you found your way to my little bakery.”

Dean smiles as you turn back around to get two mugs of hot cocoa. He’s got no clue when you made it, but it smells delicious and he won’t say no to pie and hot cocoa.

Fate is a funny thing. If Dean didn't get lost in the streets on Christmas Eve, he would’ve never met you.

A rogue half-elf wanting to give the people losing faith a little hope on Christmas.

Tags in reblog.

#dean winchester #spnchristmasbingo #dean winchester x you #anyfandomaubingo #spn #dean x reader #dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #the pie whisperer

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lambtotheslaughterr · 1 year ago

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Awake

A Rafe Cameron Mini Series

PART FIVE

[THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN THEMES OF NON-CON/DUB-CON, MENTAL-EMOTIONAL-PHYSICAL ABUSE, ETC. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 18+. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT]

WC: 6.1k

Dividers provided by @firefly-graphics

PART FOUR | SERIES MASTERLIST | PART SIX

[THIS SERIES WILL CONTAIN INACCURATE MEDICAL CONDITIONS. I HAVE CERTAINLY MADE THIS DISEASE UP & DO NOT CLAIM ANY OF IT TO BE ACCURATE. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. 18+. MINORS DNFI]

a reminder that Rafe uses the alias Adrian in this story

It’d been almost two weeks before you spoke to Adrian again. And it wasn’t without attempt on his end. The texts started slow. A good morning, a goodnight. Then they transitioned into ‘I wish I could see you’, ‘Please talk to me’, ‘Thinking of you’. Then finally Adrian had taken up calling you. Every time his name appeared on your phone screen you felt your chest tighten with worry. Every time your phone pinged with a notification you took just a little bit longer to get to it.

You weren’t sure why you hadn’t just blocked him. Or even just texted him to leave you alone then block him. But you didn’t. You sometimes even found yourself rereading his thread of texts when you couldn’t sleep. Sometimes you would type a response, but then quickly erase it.

No. You couldn’t message him, couldn’t see him. He was hiding something. It made your stomach ache. No matter how much you wanted to forget what the bartender said just so you could feel his hands on you again, you knew he knew more than he let on.

It’s for that sole reason that you realized you couldn’t block him, or remove him completely from your life. You still had questions, answers that only Adrian could provide.

It was midnight when your phone pinged. You were on a break from the warm-line. You stared at your reflection in the window above the kitchen sink, noticing your phone light up just behind you in the glass. Pressing your lips together, you shook your head, trying to overcome the curiosity you felt brewing. It was only ever one person who messaged you at this time.

Finding no other reason to put it off, you reluctantly returned to your makeshift office space at the island, unlocking your phone. Much to your surprise—& relief—it wasn’t Adrian.

Your mom says you won’t be coming home for Thanksgiving🥺 would you like some company in the city?

You smiled to yourself in the dimly lit kitchen at Lillie’s text. It felt like it’d been ages since you spoke to her. After all, she was pretty much the only person from your first life who didn’t try to remind you of everything that didn’t make you you anymore.

Rereading her text though, you felt your smile fall. Of course you wouldn’t be going back for thanksgiving. Any holidays where your family gathered together to whisper about you in the corners or ask you questions testing to see if you really didn’t remember made you cringe. Your mother hadn’t been surprised at your refusal to come home when you spoke a few days prior but you still heard the disappointment in her voice.

‘Perhaps your father & I can come to you. You shouldn’t be alone during the holidays.’ She had said.

But you insisted on being alone. You told a few white lies, saying you made friends with other tenants on your floor. In reality, you just weren’t ready to have her back. You knew lying to your mom, your therapist wasn’t good for yourself but not seeing them face to face made it easier. You just needed more time.

Your thoughts strayed back to the open text on your phone. You typed.

Not this time, Lil. Wouldn’t be a great host, tbh. But maybe for Xmas or New Years. I’ll call after thanksgiving.

Closing out of the message, you placed your headset back on, clacking the keys on your laptop to rejoin the warm-line.

Five minutes later you were in the middle of a call with a young woman who was struggling with her depressive thoughts when your childhood lullaby seeped into your apartment walls.

No, no no. You thought quietly to yourself, feeling your head sway dizzily to Piano Sonata. Your heart beat wildly within your chest. Don’t text me, don’t text me, don’t text me.

Ding.

…Adrian.

The voice of the young woman faded as your mouth went dry. You stared horrified at your phone, Adrian’s name the only words on the screen. A shudder raced through you, as if all the windows in your apartment were open.

Shakily you picked up the phone, sliding open the text.

Sweet dreams. -A

“Hello?” A sudden what returned to your chilled skin at the voice in your ear.

“Yes, sorry. I’m listening.”

But you weren’t. How could you? Adrian knew something. & you needed to know what.

Thirty minutes later, you found yourself reaching the ground floor of your building. It was almost one in the morning & it was chilly outside from the early winter season but you didn’t care. Adrian was finally going to get the attention he had been craving.

Wrapped in three layers of cardigans & a wool jacket, you stepped outside onto the empty city street. Across the street, you glanced up at the building, observing only a few lights on in windows. Adrian had to be one of them.

Unlocking your phone, you pulled up his name & hit the call button. The line rang twice before it answered.

“_____.” Adrian sounded relieved, the exact opposite of how you felt.

You skipped the niceties. “We need to talk. I’m downstairs.”

“You’re down—what like downstairs downstairs?”

“I’ll be waiting.” You hung up, not wanting to discuss anything further until he was standing right in front of you.

Fortunately you didn’t have to wait long. You watched through the lobby windows of Adrian’s building as he crossed the main floor to the doors. He wore a beanie & thick winter jacket. When he stepped out, a smile graced his features.

“Hey, how are—“

“You’re from Kildare.” You spat, taking a step back when he came to close. With that comment though, he froze entirely.

“And don’t say you’re not because I know you are.”

Adrian’s brows furrowed. You could see the gears turning in his head. Probably trying to come with more lies. Before he could open his mouth, you shook your head, dismissing him. “Don’t lie. I already know.”

His eyes searched yours, his mouth hanging loosely open but saying nothing.

“Who are you?” It wasn’t a question you were prepared to ask but found yourself saying it.

“_____…” He sighed, moving one step closer. You glared hotly at him through the visible breathe shared between you two.

“Don’t,” you gasped, staring at him wide-eyed, “don’t say my name unless you’re going to tell me the truth.”

The two of you stared at each other on the dimly lit street for what felt like ages before Adrian pressed his lips together, his lids fluttering closed briefly in surrender. When he opened them, they softened.

“Okay. I’ll tell you everything. But will you just come up, it’s freezing out here.” When he made to reach for you, you hurriedly stepped out of reach.

“Now, Adrian! Tell me now. I don’t even know you. How the hell do you know me?”

You saw a bout of anger flash momentarily across his eyes before he shook his own hair. Placing his hands on his hips, he stared at you, contemplating.

“I swear if you don’t tell me I will—“

“Alright! Alright.” Adrian clicked his tongue, shaking his head in disbelief, “I didn’t—I don’t.” He begun but kept stopping. You anxiously waited for him to form the words.

“I don’t know where to begin.”

“The beginning,” you spit, the confused anger coursing through you kept you warm against the chilled air.

Adrian furrowed his brows, “Okay. I, uh, yes. I’m from Kildare.”

The sensation that went through you wasn’t what you expected. You expected relief at his admittance, but your chest coiled, needing more, needing to know more.

“And we know each other?” It came out almost a whisper, despite wanting to scream.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair & down his face. He peered at you, unsure. But you watched as a resignation came over him. He hung his head. “Yes & no.”

What? You felt yourself growing frustrated, tired of him beating around the bush. “Yes & no?” You repeated, biting your lip in annoyance.

Adrian threw his hands up, exasperated, “I don’t know what the fuck you want—“

“The truth, Adrian!” You exclaimed, “just tell me the truth..”

“Kildare is small, _____. We both know that.” He shook his head, walking a foot toward his building to lean against the wall. “What happened to you was a big deal.”

“My accident?”

“Yeah.” He half scoffed, half laughed, “I mean, jesus, for days you were the only thing in the news. Your progress, the details surrounding the accident. You were all anyone talked about.”

“Is that how you know me?” You pushed, “the news?”

“No.” Adrian shrugged. “We went to high school together.”

The coil in your chest sprung, a small inaudible exhale leaving your throat, “were we friends?”

At that Adrian chuckled, but there wasn’t an amusing smile to match the action, “No. We weren’t friends. We hardly knew each other. But Kildare is small, the high school smaller.”

“Why didn’t you say anything when we ran into each other?”

“Honestly?” You gave him a pointed glare at his question. “I didn’t recognize you at first. I mean, you look different than you did in school. It wasn’t until you told me your name that I figured it out.”

“So why not then still?”

“I…” he shook his head, sighing, “don’t know. It was clear that you didn’t recognize me. There were rumors of course about your condition after getting out of the hospital but who knows what the truth is, ya know? So, I just didn’t say anything.”

“Except trying to get me to relive the coastal life.” You rebutted, recalling when Adrian would try to order you food that would remind you of home.

“Alright, I’ll admit, that was me being an asshole, seeing if the rumors were true.”

You scoffed, finding his tactic unbelievable, “wow, nice.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Adrian pushed off from the building to take a step toward you. You crossed your arms before your body to keep warm from the cool.

“It was wrong. I know. I should’ve said something sooner but, but I was…afraid.”

“Afraid?” You rolled your eyes, “of what?”

“I like you, _____. You know that, I already said as much. The feelings I’ve developed for you are real. And after we kissed the first time, I figured I was in too deep already. If you didn’t remember me before then… what did it matter now?”

“Still.” Your heart faltered. He lied to you, manipulated you, he even experimented! This wasn’t someone who could have real feelings…

“I know, I know.” Adrian spoke softly, his eyes peering into your own. You hadn’t realized he was standing directly in front of you at that point. Gently he placed his hands on your biceps, his fingers firm but soft. “I shouldn’t have lied. I should have said something. But we were good, ya know? It was obvious you wanted to forget the past &… I wanted to help. Be a part of it.”

Your lips parted. A plethora of emotions flooded you as you stared up at him. Pressing your lips together, you stepped out of his hold. You swallowed before speaking, “I need time.”

Adrian pursed his lips but nodded stiffly, “Okay.”

The two of you stood quietly for a beat before you felt a chill breeze sweep over you. You shuddered, angling your body toward your building, “I’ll call you, okay? I don’t want to make any promises or anything but… I just need to think. About all of this, & especially about what it means.”

Again, Adrian nodded but didn’t say anything.

Without another word, you stepped off the sidewalk & were halfway across the street when you heard your name being called. You stopped to turn around. Adrian was half-way off the sidewalk, “I know what I did was wrong, & I am sorry, but I don’t regret it.”

You weren’t sure what to say, your stomach twisting at his words, confused &… relieved at his honesty.

“I didn’t know you much before, but I can’t imagine who you used to be compares to who you are now. You’re really… you really are amazing.”

Words wanted to come out but you couldn’t pick them out. A small smile tugged at the corner of your mouth.

Adrian waved you off, “Anyway, goodnight, _____.”

“Night, Adrian.”

Adrian disappeared inside his building, leaving you alone on the empty, dimly lit city street. But despite your predicament, both medically & romantically, it was the first time since your rebirth that you didn’t feel alone. It was the first time you felt genuinely seen.

“I wasn’t expecting a call so soon.” Adrian shared as you let you into his building.

Neither were you. After all, it had only been four days since you spoke to him outside in the middle of the night. But you had spoken to your therapist.

Of course, you spared her details—only mentioning that you had indeed met someone & weren’t sure how to navigate a relationship in your condition. She reminded you that your long-term amnesia & sun sickness didn’t mean you had to live a life alone. In fact, she was pleased to hear you had met someone, asking if you had told your family & friends yet.

“Ugh, no.” You had winced at the thought, “I’m barely ready for this, I don’t want to introduce them to anything temporary.”

“Well when you treat it like it’s temporary it surely will be.” She responded knowingly. “Do you want it to be temporary?”

You pondered her question for some time. You thought about how Adrian knew about your condition, the accident even. How he knew how your family functioned because everyone from Kildare functioned the same. How in spite of all that he still wanted to get to know you. Then you remembered the lying, the experimenting, the hiding.

But he had said it, he wanted to help you forget. No one who knew you before would really ever let you forget, not even Lillie though bless her heart she sure did try. But Adrian knew you before, or at least of you, & still accepted you for you. This you.

“Maybe.” You finally had responded.

Once your zoom session ended, you stared at Adrian’s name on your phone. Another surprise you had during the break from him was that he didn’t message you, not once, not even to say goodnight or goodmorning. He was respecting your boundaries, giving you time, space. You figured he wouldn’t, which would’ve ultimately landed further away from you then both of you would like, but he surprised you. He did that a lot.

But after your talk with your therapist, you had to acknowledge the urge in your heart to contact him. You actually missed him. In the short time you’ve known him, Adrian had quickly & quietly became a fixture in your life. It was harder to not miss him.

That was how you found yourself outside his building the following night.

Adrian had sounded as relieved & excited to hear your voice as you his, though you didn’t show it, still choosing to remain guarded. But it was thanksgiving week, & your therapist said you didn’t have to spend your life alone. You weren’t sure if you would, or even wanted to, spend it with Adrian, but you figured thanksgiving dinner would be an okay start.

“Yeah, I hope it’s okay that I invited myself to your place for dinner.”

“Of course.” He smiled jovially at you as you two waited for the elevators. It was a little past seven in the evening, a late dinner. But thanks to the time of year, the sun set nearly three hours prior. Fortunately for you, Adrian was more than happy to have a late dinner with you.

“I wasn’t sure what to make, to be honest, not much of a cook, but I hope what I got is alright.” He laughed awkwardly.

“As long as it’s nothing from the south.” You joked. He raised his hands innocently, “I’ve learned my lesson with that.”

“Good.” You giggled softly.

A minute or so later, you found yourself walking through Adrian’s apartment door. Though similar to your own in space & size, it was a sleeker, more modern aesthetic. It had a warmer welcome to it than your concrete abode. It was very clearly a bachelor pad, as well.

The living room had a leather sectional with a large flat screen. Behind the sectional was a pool table parallel to a minibar. Everything in the apartment, from what you could see, was black or white. Even the felt on the pool table was black. But there were touches of Adrian throughout. Yet from what you could see, there was no piano in sight.

A paper bag from Yummy Mummy sat on top of Adrian’s pure white kitchen island. A shocked but amused scoff left you. Adrian piqued his eyebrows at your reaction, “I did say I wasn’t much of a cook…”

“Yeah,” you chuckled, staring in inane cheerfulness as he began to empty contents from the paper bag, “no kidding.”

“One beef burger & fries for you…” Adrian handed you the wrapped food to which you happily received. “And one beef burger & fries for me.”

You felt your brows furrow. “Not your usual? Shrimp sandwich?”

“Nah,” Adrian replied, seating himself at a stool corner to you, “I figured I’d change it up for once.”

You popped a fry into your mouth, smirking playfully. “Good choice.”

The both of you sat & ate quietly for a minute or so before Adrian hopped up with a mouth full of food, heading for the fridge. He looked at you & said something but you definitely didn’t understand a word. He rolled his eyes & chewed animatedly before swallowing, a grin appearing on his face. “Sorry. Do you want a drink?”

“Um,” you paused, unsure if having alcohol was the best idea right now, “what do you have?”

“Uh…” he narrowed his eyes at the contents inside his fridge, “beer, wine, & uh, more beer.” He tossed you an apologetic look, “I could brew up some coffee if you don’t want some of the big kid stuff.”

You knew he didn’t mean anything intentional by ‘big kid stuff’ but still, you found yourself a little taken aback by the comment. You weren’t a kid, regardless of your condition. You could handle yourself fine. Besides, you lived right across the street. It’s not like you’d be stumbling into a cab like you did halloween weekend.

“A beer is great.” You thanked him as he popped the cap off a bottle & handed it to you before doing the same for himself.

Adrian returned to his seat & raised his bottle in your direction. “To new beginnings.”

“New beginnings,” you repeated, clinking the neck of your beer against his.

Adrian smiled around the mouth of his beer as he drank. You felt yourself flush. Taking a swig yourself, you repeated to yourself internally —

To new beginnings.

You sighed blissfully as you reached your door, sensing Adrian behind you.

“You really didn’t have to walk me all the way to my door.” You shared but was internally thankful for his company.

Dinner had been a pleasant surprise. After eating & chatting more, Adrian & you sat on his sectional to relax. He put on an Angelina Jolie movie but neither of you paid much attention.

You were worried he would bring up the past, talk about high school or other parts of Kildare that you simply couldn’t & would never remember. But he never once even leaned in that direction. Conversation flowed evenly, with flirtatious bits here & there. By the time the movie finished it was almost 11. In that time, you still hadn’t mentioned the other downside of your illness. So you wanted to get out of his hair so he could sleep like the normal people do. But he insisted on seeing you home himself. How could you say no?

“I really wanted to though.” He replied, a smirk appearing on his goddamn handsome features.

You chuckled softly at that & turned the handle but didn’t push it open. Instead you faced him once more. He continued to stare pensively at you, making your skin erupt in goosebumps.

“Thank you again for dinner.”

“The first of many, I hope.” He replied.

“And thank you for being patient. I’m still not sure where we stand but right now dinner & conversation is okay.”

Adrian mustered another smile but nodded.

“Okay, well…” you began, “goodnight, Adr—“

You didn’t get to finish speaking his name when you felt yourself pressed gently against your door & his lips on top yours.

The abruptness of his gentle assault made you gasp & grip onto the sleeves of his jacket. Adrian moved his mouth over yours expertly, & surprisingly, you welcomed it. You found yourself bringing him closer to you, enough for his chest to press into you.

Adrian’s fingers threaded themselves through your hair, gently tugging to maneuver your neck at an angle where he could access your mouth better. The action forced a heated moan. Adrian groaned deeply.

Then suddenly his mouth & body heat were gone. You dizzily blinked your eyes open to stare at him. The both of you were breathing heavily.

“I’m sorry. I…” his eyes fell to your open mouth, your swollen lips red & pouty, “I couldn’t not.”

You felt your core tighten, an ache wanted to be satiated. An ache you haven’t felt much before. An ache you wanted to feel more of.

To Adrian’s surprise, you closed the distance yet again, grabbing the back of his neck to bring his mouth down atop yours. Adrian responded, wrapping his arms around your waist, this time none so gently pushing you against the door.

You moaned again, biting your lip to keep the noise from escaping. Adrian lifted his head to stare down at you, “I thought you wanted slow.”

“I want you to make me feel good.” You whispered, “make me feel good, Adrian.”

A heated look shadowed his gaze & next thing you knew, Adrian had shoved the both of you into your apartment, slamming the door loudly as it echoed through your apartment.

Adrian’s mouth was on yours again with renewed vigor. His teeth nipped at your lower lip, his hands traveled the length of you to cup your bottom, lifting you with ease as you wrapped your legs around him.

Your head was spinning with every kiss along your neck & collarbone as he sat you on top of your kitchen island. Your hands & mouth couldn’t keep up with him as he deftly pulled at your clothes.

We’re you really going to go through with this? You wanted to go slow…

But then Adrian slipped his fingers into your underwear, his index & middle finger wasting no time in slipping into your pussy. A gasp escaped you at the sudden intrusion & you bucked your hips slightly into his palm.

“You’re so fucking wet already.” He mouthed hotly into your ear, “I knew you wanted me to fuck you, make you come undone.”

A strained & gurgled moan stuck in your throat at his words.

His teeth grazed the lobe of your ear, adding to the euphoric sensations erupting from the warmth of your core.

Adrian’s fingers curled inside you then, & you held onto his forearm, gyrating your hips around his hand.

You felt your thighs shake as something tight began to build. Your moans at this point were pouring out shamelessly. Adrian grabbed the underside of your chin, turning your face upwards so he could cover your mouth with his own.

Your lips parted & his tongue slipped in, “Cum for me. Cum like the good whore I know you are.”

His words—words that you normally would’ve been appalled at—made you wince & cry out. The tight coil deep in your core springing loose.

“Don’t stop.” You pleaded as you felt a flood of warmth consume you.

You cried out, rotating your hips & bucking into Adrian’s hand as his thumb circled your clit, heightening your senses.

“Oh my god…” you gasped, finally opening your eyes, though all you saw were stars blanketing your vision.

“You’re fucking perfect.” Adrian murmured as he pressed his lips to your open mouth.

As you came down, your skin coated in a light sheen of sweat, you stared in awe at Adrian. An accomplished smile appeared on his face.

“That was…” you began, still catching your breath, a stickiness between your legs apparent, “I don’t what that was.”

“It was everything you wanted.” He responded, his hands returning to your hair, running the tresses through his fingers.

You half chuckled at that, too exhausted to attempt anything more.

“And now you’ve got me rock fucking hard.” With that comment, Adrian’s hand slipped down to your own, gripping your wrist & guiding it to the solid lump at the crotch of his jeans.

Adrian cupped your hand around himself, grinding his obvious arousal into your palm. You foolishly felt like a young girl, experiencing her first sexual encounter. In a way, that’s exactly what was happening. You didn’t remember your life before, let alone any sex you may or may not have. But considering that you were in you were 21, you highly doubted you were a virgin.

Still though. As you sat atop your island counter, your own arousal seeping out, you felt dumbfounded.

Adrian hissed through his clenched teeth, his eyes hooded as he watched you watch the motion of your hand over his jean-clad bulge.

“I want to fuck you,” he started, “I need to fuck you, _____.” At this point his face was burrowed in your neck, his hot breath sending shivers & shockwaves throughout your body.

You felt your core clench at his words, you body seemingly welcome to the idea of letting Adrian do what he wants with you. But you wanted slow… you needed slow.

“Say yes, _____.” Adrian’s lips grazed your skin, “let me make you feel good.”

And you did. You did feel good, Adrian had succeeded in that. But he could make you feel better.

You halted the movement of your hand, pausing to look up at Adrian. Your decision must’ve been evident in your eyes because Adrian smiled like he won a nation-wide championship.

“That’s my girl.” He softly said just before his hands gripped your hips suddenly, pulling you off the counter.

In a frenzy, you were spun around & pressed flush to the counter. A small gasp escaped you when you felt Adrian tug once at your underwear before the elastic snapped & left you bare.

Adrian’s lips deceased upon your upper back as his fingers expertly unclasped your bra, removing the item & tossing it to the side. A wonton mewl parted your lips when Adrian pressed his front to your rear.

“You need me to fuck you.” Adrian somewhat harshly gripped the back of your neck, bending your head backwards & an awkward & mildly painful angle so he could whisper in your ear.

“Say it.” He wasn’t wrong, you felt the intense desire to be savagely fucked by him. But saying it? You couldn’t find the words. They felt almost…wrong?

When you continued to not say anything, Adrian’s grip on your neck tightened, making you wince. A bout of concern flooded you, but what surprised you most was the erotic sensations you felt from the action.

Then a prodding was felt at your entrance. Your lips parted in confused anticipation, waiting for Adrian to fulfill his want.

But nothing came.

Instead, another sharp pain erupted through your scalp as he tugged your hair, yanking your head back, “I only fuck good girls who listen.”

“Adria—“ You had begun, but his hand suddenly covered your mouth. You felt your eyes widen in fear at the movement.

Adrian was at your ear, one hand covering your mouth as you felt his other reach around to your front, his fingers finding your sensitive clit.

A muffled moan sounded from behind Adrian’s hand as you felt your legs shake from the erotic assault. Your arousal dropped between your thighs. You could feel the droplets landing on your feet.

“It’ll be this,” Adrian pressed his hips forward, the head of his cock rubbing up & down between your folds, getting slick with your juices, “but so much more.”

Your heart was racing, your skin still damp with sweat. You unintentionally felt your hips press against him, wanting—needing—more.

“_____.” Adrian reprimanded in an almost sing-song tone, “Give me what I want, & I will give you what you want.”

“You need me to fuck you.” Adrian repeated, his fingers rubbing vigorously, & you could feel the coil in your stomach begin to restrict, the taste of absolute sensual bliss so close.

Just as you felt yourself about to come undone, Adrian’s fingers disappeared. His hand over mouth, too.

A hunger inside you was left unsatisfied.

Adrian was still behind you, his cock unmoving against your soaking wet cunt.

“Say it.” He whispered.

You needed it. You fucking needed it. Like a feral cat preparing to be devoured by the feral beast, you pressed yourself against the counter, your hands gripping the edge, “I need you to fuck me, Adrian.”

“Please,” you begged, shocked by how desperate you sounded, “Adrian, fuck me.”

“With pleasure.” He growled before an intrusive fullness filled you.

Something between a yelp & a moan escaped you as Adrian sheathed himself entirely in one single thrust. You didn’t even have time to adjust, or think on how this was your first time having sex since your accident, before he was pounding himself into you.

Adrian hissed & groaned behind you, the later reverberating from deep within his chest which was pressed against your back. It was like music to your ears.

You hadn’t thought much on sex in your rebirth, but fuck, the sounds Adrian made certainly added to the sensations.

Adrian’s hands found your wrists, positioning them behind your back between your bodies. You couldn’t fathom the words through your euphoric fog to tell him it was painful. But even then, soon enough, the pain started to feel good too.

He grunted, his hips snapping recklessly against you. The coiled feeling returned with a vengeance as Adrian pounded you mercilessly. One hand grasped the base of your throat, bringing your head back so he could press his face into your hair. His other hand found its place between your legs.

The second his fingers touched you, the coil broke. A strangled cry clawed out of your throat as you came around Adrian’s cock.

“That’s my good fucking girl.” Adrian mumbled just before he thrusted into you deeply, painfully, once more, a strained groan of his own following.

Slowly, languidly, Adrian rotated his hips as the two of you came down. Your heart beat wildly within your chest, your skin suddenly cold & erupting with goosebumps, your breathing erratic. Adrian softened inside you before he pulled out. You winced at the emptiness.

It was quiet for what felt like forever before you finally felt calmed enough. You pushed off from the counter, the ache deep inside you pounding, reflective of the somewhat rough sex you had just experienced.

In your peripheral, you saw Adrian disappear down your hallway to your bathroom. You took this opportunity to get mostly dressed in the dark. Underwear, bra, shirt.

All of a sudden you felt uncomfortable. Exposed. Dirty.

Used.

But you had used him too, hadn’t you?

You continued to reason yourself, listing reasons why it was okay: it was in the heat of the moment, you did actually want it, the chemistry between you two was acted on naturally, etc.

You had done a very normal thing.

The fact brought a smile to your face.

A pair of arms encircled your waist. You bit your lip, turned around to face him.

“I’m never letting you go.” Adrian quietly announced as he kissed you once more.

You chuckled softly, pulling away, “I can’t believe that just happened. So much for slow.”

Adrian grinned at you, forcing you to look away. You began to pull out of his arms, when his hands halted you, his brows furrowing, “Wait, stop, what are you doing? Do you regret it?”

“No.” You responded instantaneously, “I just, it happened to fast. I didn’t really have a chance to think.”

“You jumped me.” Adrian reminded you, “I was following your lead.”

You nodded in agreement, knowing that was exactly what happened. You could’ve said no at any point, not let it get past your door, but you couldn’t stop it, you didn’t want to stop it.

You shook your head, smiling sheepishly, “I know, I know. I… enjoyed it. A lot.”

Adrian placed a finger under your chin, turning your face upwards so he could look you in the eye, “It’s a good thing, _____. Right?”

“Right.” You repeated, allowing him to pull you closer. Your face was buried into the crook of his neck. He kissed the side of your head.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

It’s nearly eight in the morning when you see Adrian to your door.

After another tussle in the sheets, which was much softer than the heated roughness of the kitchen tussle—the latter you discovered you enjoyed more of—Adrian & you had passed out. It was his 7:30 alarm that had woken you.

You let Adrian shower, lying in your bed reminiscing the night before. Then you got up to make some tea. You knew you’d be going back to sleep after Adrian left & wanted to make it easier by preparing some chamomile.

It was 8:02 when Adrian appeared in the kitchen, his light brown hair damp. He smiled at you before giving you a gentle but firm kiss. It left you dizzy.

“Any plans for thanksgiving?”

“Ugh,” you stuck your tongue out, “none.”

Adrian laughed, “Gonna wing it alone, huh?”

You shrugged, “I like being alone. Plus I don’t want to go to Kildare to be surrounded by people who won’t stop staring.”

He nodded.

“What about you?” You turned the question onto him.

Adrian shrugged as well, “Eh. Don’t really think they’ll notice if I’m there or not. So why spend the money to go down there?”

“But you love Kildare.”

“Yeah, I do. But uh…” He glanced at you with raised brows, “I’m beginning to like it here more.”

You felt your cheeks grow hot at the compliment. Fuck, get it together!

“So…” You began, “you’ll be here then?”

“Yeah.” Adrian’s mouth turned up in one corner with a smirk, “Maybe we could do something together.”

You rolled your eyes playfully but nodded, “Okay. But this time I’ll cook.”

Adrian through you a questioning look, “You mean cook cook or order from Yummy Mummy cook?”

“Cook cook.” A knowing grin appeared on your face.

“Okay,” He ran his hand through your hair, his eyes overlooking what felt like every detail of your face. He leaned in then, his lips barely brushing against your own, “As long as I have you for dessert.”

Adrian finishes slipping into his shoes & jacket as you wait at the door. He made himself a small breakfast before you hinted that you had stuff to do, stuff being sleep.

“I’ll call you.” You said to him, unlocking the latches.

“I’ll be waiting.” The two of you shared a smile. You began to open the door as he leaned down to kiss you. It was a sweet one, like the ones you had first experienced with him. Giggling into the kiss, you were just about to pull away when a thud sounded right next to you.

“What the fuck?” Adrian & you pulled away suddenly at the voice just to your left.

Turning from Adrian, you spun around to see Lillie standing in the hallway outside your door. A bag had fallen from her hand to the floor, & a small suitcase stood beside her legs.

“Lillie?” Your eyes widened, not expecting her, or literally anyone to be standing there. “What are you doing here?”

“I should be asking you the same thing.” She spit but it wasn’t directed towards you.

No, the look she had on her face, which could easily send anyone to their early grave, was aimed directly at Adrian.

This was a much longer unexpected hiatus again. Between school, work, preparing for graduating, moving, putting a pet down, mental health issues, starting therapy, yadda yadda yadda--I kind of couldn't focus on this. But I am happy to post again. Though I can't promise anything consistent right now.

Regardless, I hope having a longer part of Awake posted will make up for it.

As always, please let me know what you think. I love to hear it & it makes me feel good<3

Thank you for reading!

oona<3

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ncssian · 2 years ago

Note

time flies, messy as the mud on your truck tires, now i’m missing your smile, hear me out. we could just ride around.

a/n: this is soooo long and MAJORLY unedited but it feels perfect for xmas eve so im posting it now. it might even be missing paragraphs but we ride

***

Nesta refused to go fully no-contact with her sisters. To this day, she didn’t know why, but that was how she found herself standing outside Feyre’s house for her mandatory family dinner, held only three times a year.

Three times a year, Nesta had to dress up and submit herself to a painfully awkward night of being left out of conversations and eating mediocre food. Tonight it was for Thanksgiving. She’d long resigned herself to the torture of it all, and she was nothing but grateful that it was only three nights out of the whole year.

That still didn’t make knocking on the door any easier, however.

“Nesta?” a voice behind her asked, immediately raising every hair on her neck. She turned away from the front door to find a familiar face walking up the lit pathway to the manor’s stone porch, approaching her.

Oh God. “Cassian?”

Wow, did he look… different. In the three years since he’d left to work for the Peace Corps, Cassian’s muscles had subtly grown not bigger, but more defined, his clothes now better-fitting. His dark hair was shorter than she’d ever seen it before, no longer wild and untamed, but still long enough to fall near his chin. He looked so tame in comparison to the hulking giant she’d used to know.

He laughed and rushed up to her to sweep her into a crushing bear hug, making her gasp in surprise. They’d never been close enough in the past for a greeting this enthusiastic, but maybe the Peace Corps had made him demented. “How have you been?” he exclaimed, setting her down on her feet and placing a hand at her shoulder so she wouldn’t tip over. “I was wondering whether I’d get to see you tonight.”

Nesta could only open and shut her mouth, no words coming out. “You’re back,” was all she could say.

He grinned wide. His smile had remained the same. “I am.”

Her mind frantically flipped through the encyclopedia of social etiquette. “It’s good to see you again,” she forced out. “How was—life?”

His laugh was quiet, but she didn’t know what was funny. “I should be asking you the same thing. What are you waiting out here in the cold for?” He nudged her softly.

“Just trying to work up the nerve to knock on the door,” she answered honestly.

“I see.” He nodded. “Well, if we both put our heads together, I'm sure we can manage it before dinner is served.”

Was he making fun of her? His manner seemed serious and earnest, and it was confusing the hell out of Nesta.

Just then, the door swung open, a rush of light and warmth spilling out onto the front porch. “I thought I heard a ruckus outside,” Elain said, thin brows furrowing as her gaze swung to Nesta, then quickly smoothing out with a smile as her eyes landed on Cassian. “Come get out of the cold," she said. "We’re so glad you could make it.”

Nesta knew Elain was addressing both of them, but she couldn’t help but feel the last part had been directed to Cassian more than her.

Cassian swept inside with a grin and greeted Elain with a kiss to her cheek, and Nesta had to force herself to look away. Suddenly the hug she’d gotten no longer felt like overkill. A kiss had to mean more than a hug, right?

“You both are a little late, but you haven’t missed much. I’ll bring everyone else to the dining room,” Elain said, before wandering off down one of the mansion’s grand hallways to get the rest of their friends.

Nesta took in a subtle breath, but a deep one nonetheless, as she set about taking her coat off. It was stupid to be so anxious about a simple dinner. In no less than four hours, she'd be tucked in her warm bed with a swoony romance book, and the whole evening would disappear like the fragments of a bad dream. This was nothing.

Cassian came up to her side as they made their way to the dining room, bending down to speak into her ear. "There's so much I want to catch up with you about. I wish I'd known you were going to be here earlier, I would've prepared more."

Nesta's responding look was confused, if not bewildered. Prepared for what? Was there something grating about her presence that required preparation? He kept saying things that sounded like potential jabs in the softest, friendliest manner.

She ran her jittery hands down the sleek low ponytail of her hair, then the blue velvet of her simple dress. "Yes, well." She didn't follow through with the rest of the sentence.

They arrived at the dining room, where it was both a relief and a weight to no longer be alone with just Cassian. Everyone else in her sister's little friend group was already there, ooh-ing and aah-ing over the platters of food and rushing to claim seats at the table.

Nesta heard several exclamations of "Cassian's here!", all of which she ignored as she tried to decide which seat would suit her best tonight. She might have heard Cassian say, "Nesta's here, too," but it was quickly swallowed up and lost to the rest of the room's conversation.

Cassian took a seat next to Azriel and started pulling out the empty chair beside him. His eyes searched for and met Nesta's just as she picked her seat on the opposite side of the table, near the very end. A look of defeat took over his face as Morrigan took the chair beside him. Nesta didn't understand what the look was supposed to mean, but as it was awkward not to smile at someone after a certain amount of eye contact had been made, she offered him a small smile that probably came off as a tiny grimace before looking away.

After a lot of scrambling around, Elain ended up seated on Nesta's right. Not too bad, as conversation with Elain was less likely to make Nesta's skin crawl than with others at the table.

Everyone started piling their plates with food, and Nesta let Elain take her plate to serve her. It was easier than drawing attention to herself by reaching out and getting the food on her own.

"You shouldn't have come so late, Cassian," Feyre said from the head of the table. "You missed all the appetizers, they’re all finished now."

“Don’t tell me you didn’t save me any of Elain’s lobster rolls,” he said with wide eyes, acting offended.

Elain giggled at that, but the sound seemed more calculated than genuine. It probably wasn't nice to think everything that your sister did was calculated, but Nesta wasn't feeling very nice tonight. She felt like staring into her mashed potatoes while dreaming about a handsome man crashing this dinner party and promptly sweeping her off her feet.

Morrigan and Feyre led the conversation by gossiping about some work friend of Rhysand's they'd run into on their latest shopping trip, and time melded around Nesta and held her captive. She imagined she'd been painted to match the printed wallpaper behind her, rendering herself invisible to the rest of the room.

To everyone except one, that was. But everytime she accidentally made eye contact with Cassian, she looked away before he could even register it. By the time she looked back, he'd refocused on whatever jokes or stories his friends were telling.

Thirty minutes passed by without anyone asking Nesta a question. She counted each one, until—

"So what do you do these days?"

It took a long moment of awkward silence before Nesta looked up from her plate to find Cassian staring at her, his eyes warm. She realized the question had been directed at her. "Me?" she said in disbelief, because she needed the confirmation.

"No, one of these other losers," he teased. Some made noises of mock-offense, while others stifled their laughter.

Nesta shifted uncomfortably at how all the attention in the room had shifted to her. Being ignored wasn't fun, true, but this was far worse. "I run a dance studio," she answered. She didn't mention anything about how she was also a ghostwriter of romance novels on the side, although maybe she might have admitted it if they'd been alone.

Cassian's eyes lit up, and he imperceptibly leaned forward over the table. "No way. What kind of dance?"

"Um, just pole for now." Normally she'd leave it at that, but something in her wanted to give the full picture to Cassian. "I'm working on hiring more teachers and splitting it into contemporary and hip-hop-based classes, though."

"No ballet?"

She shook her head, distracting herself from his heavy gaze by taking a bite of salad. Ballet had been Nesta's first love, even more so than the ballroom dancing her grandmother had forced upon her, but she'd been bitter for a long time at how puberty and big boobs had taken away any chance she'd had to dance professionally. More than that, its ways were too rigid and painful, and Nesta would rather teach students how to let go rather than restrain themselves.

"That's crazy," he said, grinning. "I never imagined you doing anything than classical."

Right. He'd seen tapes of her old performances once a long time ago, though she was surprised he still remembered them.

"Nesta got the idea from dancing at that strip club a few years ago," Morrigan interjected with a wave of her fork.

Nesta's face flamed with heat at the misinformation, because even though there was nothing wrong with being a stripper, there were certain things you couldn't say to certain people without being judged for it. Like announcing that you wrote erotica in your free time, or that you were bisexual.

"It was just a regular club, and I was a go-go dancer," she corrected, as if that would lighten the blow. Rhysand made a noise that implied this was not much better than stripping.

"Holy shit, how much have I missed?" Cassian sat back in his chair in disbelief, not picking up on the light waves of discomfort that floated around the group whenever Nesta's past was brought up. Then again, he'd never found anything about her to be uncomfortable.

After Feyre and Rhysand had cut off all sources of her income, she’d been forced to find a real job. Dancing was the only thing she’d been good at doing, and she knew from the seedy bars she frequented that one of the nearby nightclubs was hiring. Thanks to her body and skills, she’d been able to indulge her alcohol problem off tips alone, at least until she’d made the decision to get her life together. That had been a year and a half ago.

But she couldn’t tell any of this to Cassian. She didn’t need to, either, because Amren answered his question for her. “Nesta's unrecognizable from when you last saw her, isn't she?" she drawled. "Don't worry; I promise her personality's still the same."

"Indeed," Rhysand grumbled, and a few others laughed.

Cassian still had that smile glued to his face, but it now looked frozen and false, as if he was no longer happy but didn’t know what to do about it.

But the conversation was out of his control now, due to the unfortunate fact that once attention landed on Nesta, it was usually difficult to make it go away. The next thing she knew, she was being bombarded with questions from all sides of the table.

"Were you late tonight because of that old Toyota again? I told you you could afford a new car if you took up my job offer."

"One of my friends took a class at your studio and said it wasn't too bad. You should give me a free membership so I can see for myself."

"What's your new address again?" This one from Feyre. "I need it for my Christmas cards."

Nesta blinked hard, head spinning at everyone's words being thrown at her, wondering how unacceptable it would be if she just—snapped. Wondering if maybe she could get herself uninvited from these things from good.

"I—" Mor started to lob another question.

“Let the woman fucking breathe, Jesus,” Cassian chuckled into his wine glass, cutting her off. But it was targeted at the whole room to hear, and the bitterness beneath it was clear.

The room went still. Awkwardness, sharp and cold as ice, swept over the dinner table until Nesta felt like her bones were frozen in place.

When no one responded, Cassian took a large gulp of wine and set the glass down with a dull thud. “I mean, if we want her to come around more often maybe we shouldn’t be giving her reasons to never visit,” he said, his voice too loud in the quiet room.

“We’re just catching up since we never get to see her,” Feyre said, sounding hurt and defensive at the same time.

Rhysand’s barely-audible growl implied he wanted to kill whoever had put that hurt in her tone—which in this case and most cases, was Nesta.

“That’s enough,” a delicate but firm voice beside Nesta said. She felt a soft hand rest on her arm, and looked up to find Elain’s sympathetic brown eyes watching her. But when Elain opened her mouth to speak again, all that came out was, “Eat more, will you? You’re so skinny it’ll make the rest of us look bad.”

Nesta had actually been gaining healthy weight lately, but for some unfathomable reason this was Elain’s attempt at diffusing the hostility in the room, so Nesta hummed a sound that technically counted as a response and busied herself with picking at her cut of roast beef.

Her lack of aggression seemed to satisfy the table, and one by one, people slowly went back to ignoring her and redirecting their focus to another topic of conversation.

Not even a minute later, Morrigan cackled far louder than required at something Azriel had said, causing Nesta's shoulders to inch up toward her ears. The hand that held her fork had fallen still, and Nesta’s other hand was fluttering subtly on the table, her index finger digging sharply into the thin skin around her thumbnail. The pain was a welcome balm to her agitated nerves.

She forced her hand to straighten out and lie still when she noticed Cassian's gaze on her. The action only sent her pent-up nerves straight to her spine, where she feared they would spontaneously combust and cause a meltdown in front of the whole table.

But then she met his eyes, and something in her heart choked, then settled.

She’d long forgotten the true hazel of his eyes. Hazel could be any color and every color, but looking at Cassian now, even from this distance in this weak lighting, her brain was starting to fill in the gaps of her memory. So many shades of brown and yellow speckled with blue-green colliding together, reminding her of undiscovered planets.

He was the first to pull his gaze away, but it was slow and required effort. Spell broken, Nesta’s own gaze dropped to her plate. At the very least, she no longer felt like ripping her fingernails off.

Nesta was left fairly alone for the rest of the meal, but the odd tension that had formed with Cassian and spread over the rest of the room didn’t dissipate. Even when everyone once again became lost to bantering and arguing with each other, Nesta felt the sense of awareness burning along every line of her body. She tried telling herself it was just in her head, but when she caught Amren sneaking a glance at her out of the corner of her eye, it was undeniable.

As more and more people finished their plates, they got up from the table to use the bathroom, talk on the phone, or wander into the adjacent drawing room to make use of its minibar. Among the noise, Nesta quietly excused herself and made a beeline for the emptiest part of the first floor of the house.

Alone in the kitchen, she finally allowed herself a deep intake of air. It felt like her first breath all night.

Shuffling toward the liquor cabinet, she pulled the first bottle of red wine she could find and grabbed herself a glass. Low footsteps behind her made her look over her shoulder before she could open the bottle.

It was just Cassian. Though the sight of him made her insides flutter, she didn't think he would judge her for drinking, so she turned back to her glass and uncorked the bottle.

"I needed some air," he spoke after a few moments of silence. Nesta nodded as she filled her glass perhaps a little too high. He took a few more steps toward the counter where she stood, and she belatedly realized that he was trying to engage in conversation with her.

Her brain scrambled for something to say, and just as she thought of asking him if he wanted some wine as well, Cassian was speaking again. "I'm sorry for everyone's behavior back there. It was super embarrassing."

Oh no, Nesta internally groaned. She'd almost rather put up with Feyre's lecturing and Amren's nitpicking than deal with an apology.

"They're not usually like this," he promised. "Someone must have spiked their drinks tonight."

Nesta didn't bother telling him that he was wrong. She didn't know how to react to such an unexpected statement. "There's nothing to apologize for," she said, sounding stilted and awkward. "I'm not really a sensitive person."

"Still," he said, looking up at her, "the vibes in this place are so weird tonight." He shuddered to himself. "Don't you feel weird?"

Was he referring to his friends, the sharp-edged way they spoke to her, or something else? "Maybe because it's your first time back in a long time." Nesta shrugged. "I'm used to it."

"Well, I'm not. In fact, I can think of a dozen other things I'd rather be doing right now than having dinner here."

Nesta glanced at him, her eyes widened in surprise. "Haven't you missed your friends, though? They're so excited to see you."

He shook his head. "This is honestly, like, our fifth meeting together since I got back. I see them all the time."

"Ah."

"What about you?" he pressed. "Do you want to stay or go?"

Nesta looked around the kitchen as if someone else might have walked in during their conversation and he was talking to them instead. "What do you mean?" she said.

He let out a small laugh. "Do you want to ditch this dinner?"

"But—wouldn't that be rude?"

He shrugged as if the consequences didn't matter much to him. "The door's right there." He gestured with his head toward the hallway leading to the foyer.

Nesta didn't know what overcame her. She chugged as much of her glass of wine as she could and set it down with a thump, looking at Cassian. Less than a minute later, they were speeding out the front door on quiet feet, stifling laughter and the jingle of car keys as they went.

***

"What about my car?" Nesta asked as Cassian started up his Ford truck, turning the heat up to full blast.

"We'll come back for it later tonight," he promised, shifting into drive and pulling away from the hulking mansion. "After everyone's gone, so you don't have to run into them."

"That'll take hours, though," she said, chewing the inside of her cheek. There was never such thing as a short dinner when Feyre's inner circle were gathered together.

"I've got hours to kill," he shrugged, then glanced over at her. "You can go home whenever you want, though. I can drop you off or take you back to your car."

Nesta took half a second to mourn her dream of cuddling in bed with her books all night, then got past it. This wasn't such a bad replacement for her former plans, anyhow.

"What should we do?" she asked, hesitant excitement bubbling in her stomach. Cassian opened his mouth to answer, but she cut him off. "Should we go to the movies? I wanted to see that new horror comedy—"

"I thought it wasn't out for another week."

"Oh." She sat back, trying to think of something else. "Is Nude still in theaters?"

Cassian chuckled. "Don't think so, Nes."

She ignored how the nickname made her feel. "What about Back to Black?"

"Director's a creep."

"The new Marvel movie?"

"Terrible reviews, and you hate mega-franchises."

True. "...Maybe we can just keep driving around?" she finally suggested.

Cassian surrendered with a cheery grin. "I love that idea." He glided into the right lane and made a turn that led them straight onto the highway. The truck hummed as it accelerated from 45 to 70.

In the dark lit only by the dashboard lights, Nesta kicked her heels off and stretched out in her seat, letting herself smile. She could hardly remember why she'd been struggling for air back at that dinner. This, driving at night with Cassian in silence, was one of the most relaxing feelings she'd ever experienced.

Even so, she was surprised to find she didn't mind it much when Cassian eventually interrupted the quiet.

“I really did miss you.” His words took her by surprise, and it must have showed in the look she threw him.

He chuckled lowly. “Is it that hard to believe?”

It was, actually, though Nesta didn’t tell him that. “I just don’t remember us being that close,” she said, shrugging. They’d rarely talked without Feyre or one of her friends in the room, and when they had talked alone, the conversations hadn’t been very deep. He’d tried to tease and challenge her in the beginning, as she was sure he did with every worthy person who came his way, but when Nesta was unresponsive to his efforts, he eventually dropped the asshole act.

“We weren’t,” Cassian agreed, “but sometimes your favorite people are the ones you see the least.”

That made Nesta’s breath hitch. He couldn’t mean it the way she thought he meant it. She couldn’t be his favorite.

"I had a huge crush on you when we first met, you know," he added.

Nesta’s shoulders deflated, in either relief or disappointment, she didn’t know. Of course; that was what he’d meant. She gave him a dry look in response. "Yeah, I sensed that."

He did a double-take from the road to her. "You did?"

It had been painfully obvious any time they were in the same room together, with the weight of Cassian's gaze feeling like hefting a barbell of anxiety and discomfort and embarrassment. She remembered how her skin would itch with how she blushed, how her throat would close up and her breathing would shallow out. It had felt like suffering from an allergic reaction.

Nesta didn't say any of that to Cassian now, though. "What made you stop liking me?" she asked instead, propping her elbow on the passenger-side window and leaning her head against her fist. She was genuinely curious to hear his answer. It had happened before she'd fallen too deep into her hole of depression and brought shame onto Feyre and the Archeron name, so it couldn't have been the fact that she'd been a hot mess. "Was I too rude? Too quiet? Too boring?" How had she let him down?

"What?" Cassian looked over at her like she'd gone insane. "No."

"Then what was it that made you stop liking me?" Because Cassian had stopped liking Nesta at a certain point. After a few awkward conversations and a failed attempt to spend time alone with her, Cassian had pulled away from Nesta as if he'd never known her in the first place. The heavy gazes lessened, then stopped altogether, and the conversation would rarely go past a friendly "hello" up until the day Cassian had left for the Peace Corps.

Cassian bit down on his lip, looking both amused and flustered by her scientific questioning. "I didn't stop liking you. I just stopped chasing you."

That information took Nesta by surprise. She was stunned, still figuring out what to say in response when Cassian continued, "I was too young and too stupid back then. I didn't know how to make decisions for myself, and I let other people convince me not to go after the things I wanted. I regretted it for a long time while I was away overseas, but eventually I just had to get over it, you know?"

Nesta blinked, staring out the windshield and saying nothing.

He'd wanted her. Even when she was drinking and fucking her way through every bar and club in the city, he'd wanted her, all the way up until the day he left—and even after that, if she was understanding him correctly.

"Anyway, what about you?" Cassian said, changing the topic. "You been seeing anyone lately?"

"Why? Are you asking for yourself?" She meant it to be taunting, but her natural deadpan tone made most things she said sound serious.

Cassian made a noise that sounded like a choked cough. "It was just a question."

She tried not to be disappointed at his response, even though it was no surprise that he was over her by now. Why would he be interested in reigniting something that had never sparked in the first place?

"No," she finally answered, her voice sounding small but not weak. "I haven't really been interested in meeting people lately, not even for casual hookups."

He threw a glance over at her, the surprise subtle but there. "Can I ask why?"

She shrugged, never having had to explain the answer to anyone else before. "I don’t like putting myself in situations where men want my body. I already feel like a blowup sex doll as it is, so it’s better to not date at all."

"Why would you feel like that?" Cassian said, the slightest hint of alarm and concern creeping into his tone. "Did somebody call you that?"

She shifted in her seat, feeling awkward at being put on the spot. "I don’t know, it’s just the way my body’s built. I’m always getting asked whether I do porn or have an OnlyFans. People always give me their unwanted opinions on my boobs or my hips or my butt."

"Who said that to you?" he demanded.

"I was a go-go dancer, remember?"

"That's not an answer." His voice was hard. "Or an excuse."

"I only told you because you asked why I don't date," she said sharply, suddenly cold. "I don't need your pity." And she was regretting opening up so much to him so soon.

Cassian opened his mouth to speak and she cut him off before he could decide to pity her anyway. "What would you do with the names of my harrassers, anyway? Find them and beat them up? Give them a real piece of your mind?" she mocked. "You can barely stand up to your own friends when they're being dickheads, tough guy."

Cassian made a choking sound, which soon devolved into wheezing, and when Nesta finally looked over at him she found that his shoulders were shaking with restrained laughter. Her brows scrunched up in confusion, her nerves getting whiplash from the sudden shift in mood.

"Holy shit, there she is," he barely got out between laughs of disbelief. "Where the hell was she all this time?"

"Who?" Her bafflement must have been written all over her face.

"The proud Nesta I first met so many years ago," he stated. "The one who'd rather choke to death on her own arrogance than give in to someone else."

Nesta felt like he'd just pointed to an obvious crumbling corpse that everyone else was trying hard to forget was in the room. That prideful Nesta was the opposite of the person she was trying to be these days, even though her ghost might have made an appearance when she'd been a little unnecessarily rude to Cassian just now.

She only shook her head, denying that old version of herself's right to exist. "I don't have the time or energy to be that person anymore. And I hate getting into fights. Losing all the time gets exhausting fast."

Instead of responding with something witty, Cassian drummed his thumbs against the steering wheel, his tongue poking into his cheek as he clearly thought something over. "The Nesta I knew never used to lose an argument," he finally said.

"A lot of things change once you lose all your financial and social capital," she murmured, almost too quiet for him to hear. It was the closest they'd gotten all night to touching upon that uncomfortable period of her life—Alcoholic Whore Gone Wild, as Amren had coined it. But she couldn't bear exposing that part of her past to Cassian, even though he'd already witnessed it with his own two eyes. She refused to say more, not wanting him to remember what a mess she'd been only a few years ago.

"Is it Rhys and the rest of the guys?" Cassian said, plowing right through the topic she was trying to avoid. "Did they outnumber you into changing so you'd fit into his PR campaigns or something?"

Cassian was scarily close to being on the nose of what had actually gone down, and it made Nesta flare her nostrils in defense. "I don't think we're close enough to be talking about things like this." She was back to being cold, even though it required more effort this time. "Change the subject."

"Fine," he said casually, though not even the dark could hide the subtle tightness of his jaw. "Let's go back to that sex-doll thing then. Did that start before or after I left?"

"Are you my therapist?" she felt the need to resist against him.

"Do you ever answer questions without another question?" he shot back. When Nesta still refused to budge, he released a sigh. "You just never seemed to me like someone who gave a shit about how others saw you. That was what made you Nesta. So yeah, sue me if I wanna know more about how your pretty little brain works."

Nesta swallowed his words like a rough pill, doing her best not to linger on the word "pretty". Now that he didn’t seem so uncomfortably shocked by her confession, she twisted toward him like she was telling a juicy story. Honestly, she felt a perverted excitement at getting to discuss parts of her life that she never got to speak about otherwise. "I used to not care that much about it," she started, "but one day while I was alone at home I saw my ass in skinny jeans in the mirror. I don’t know, it just flipped a switch in me. I felt so dirty. Like an object to be used instead of a person. And I realized that was how most people probably perceived me, too. It freaked me out so bad I just retreated from men and the dating pool altogether."

She felt dirty going out in certain clothes, and dirtier still when other people looked at her in those clothes. Even the dress she’d worn tonight, formfitting with the neckline cut out to accentuate her chest, had required her to avoid full-length mirrors while getting ready. She knew it wasn’t normal to feel the way she felt, but she also knew there wasn’t much to be done about it.

Cassian let out a low whistle. "That’s fucked."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"No." His answer was smooth. "But I think you'll get mad at everything else I want to say, so I'll leave it at that. It's really fucked you have to feel that way, Nesta."

Her swallow was tight, and she was more than a little surprised. Never in a million years could the Nesta of three years ago have imagined Cassian talking with her about things like this, and more than that, comforting her.

In truth, she had thought about Cassian too while he was gone. She wouldn’t say she’d missed him, because she didn’t know how to miss something she never had, but there’d been an empty longing on the rare occasions she thought of him. A bittersweet desire for what could have been, if only she’d been less of a mess and more of an easy person to be around.

She didn’t know how to tell him this, so she settled for, “For what it's worth, I really am happy that you're back.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Cassian stifle a smile. He roughly cleared his throat and changed the subject. “You wanna go to Town Square and see the Christmas lights?”

“Sounds good.”

“Okay.”

Nesta tucked her feet beneath herself and got comfortable, and they continued driving in companionable silence. Twinkling holiday lights and towering decorations passed in a blur outside the windows, and at one point Cassian stopped at an In-N-Out to order fries and a milkshake. "You didn't eat much back at the house," was his only explanation as he handed the food over to Nesta.

She accepted the kindness without complaint, happily munching on fries and melting into her heated seat. Something about the warm truck made her forget time was moving, but the next time she pulled her gaze away from the windshield to check the clock, she saw it was already midnight.

Cassian seemed to take note of it at the same time she did. “Damn, I have an early morning tomorrow…” He trailed off, not stating the obvious—that their little getaway drive had to come to an end.

“Me too,” Nesta lied, so she didn’t sound stupid for wanting to stay like this, driving in silence.

She turned on her phone for the first time all night, finding no less than five missed calls and a handful of upset texts from her sisters. Holding back a grimace, she shut her phone off again. "Maybe you can drop me off at home instead of at Feyre’s."

"You sure?" Cassian looked over at her. "What about your car?"

She waved a hand. "I'll get it back later. I just want to be home right now."

Cassian didn’t hesitate before making a U-turn off the left lane. “You still live in Brentwood?” he asked casually.

Brentwood, with the roach-infested grimy one-bedroom she’d inhabited in the depths of her depression, back when it was all she could afford and all she could stomach to come home to after a long day of self-hatred.

Unlike most, Cassian had never judged her for it. He’d even shown up on her ratty doorstep one Christmas Eve to drop off gifts from her sisters, saying nothing but that he hoped she would be okay, and to have a merry Christmas. There was no direct mention of her obvious miserable state, but no tense avoidance of it, either. It had been the most ordinary interaction Nesta’d had that year: short, sweet, and simple.

Nesta blinked herself out of the sudden memory. Being reunited with Cassian was bringing back too many moments she’d forgotten had happened. She shook her head, even though he probably couldn’t see. “I moved to Goldridge.”

“Ooh, fancy,” he teased. He pulled out his phone and held it out to her. “Put your address into the GPS.”

Clicking on his phone, Nesta found notifications for several missed calls and texts on his screen as well. They were at least double the amount she had, but she didn’t let her eyes linger on the messages as she swiped up onto the home screen. Of course he didn’t have a password on his phone. He could be so dumb sometimes.

Typing her address into his Maps app, she turned the navigation on and set his phone down in the cupholder between them.

Cassian glanced over to it and squinted to read her address while he drove. "That's only twenty minutes away from where I live."

"Really?" Nesta perked up, intrigued. In the past, Cassian had always been an hour or so away, considering the heavy traffic between Velars and it's poorer outskirt cities. Now he was basically her neighbor. "But isn’t it far from your friends and family?”

She'd purposely chosen her current home for the distance it placed between her and said friends and family.

Cassian shrugged as he merged onto the highway. “Not too far, but not too close, either.”

The rest of the drive passed with light conversation between them. Addicted to how the low rumble of his voice paired with the darkness of the night roads made her feel fuzzy and sleepy, Nesta let Cassian ramble to her about his time in Tunisia while she leaned back in her seat, her eyes millimeters away from drooping shut.

Sometime later, Cassian pulled up to the curb of her brownstone townhouse and put the truck into park. He let out a low whistle as he inspected the tall windows and the quality brickwork, then looked back at Nesta, who was still blinking the sleep out of her eyes, with an embarrassed grin. “I’m a fool. I completely forgot to ask how you ended up with your dance studio.”

Nesta opened her mouth to tell him about her business, but Cassian shook his head fast. “Don’t tell me now. I want to hear the whole story, sometime when the night isn’t right about to end.”

Sometime other than now…? “What do you mean?” she voiced.

He met her gaze with serious intention, no amusement or nervousness to be found. “I’d like to see you again, Nesta Archeron.”

The words hung between them like the start of a promise.

Despite the sudden warmth flooding her insides, Nesta was hesitant with her answer. She still didn't completely trust Cassian—nor herself when she was around him. She didn't want to spiral into obsession over him just for him to break her heart. She still needed to test the rock face of this thing between them, checking for cracks and loose areas that could give way. “I’ll think about it," she finally said.

Cassian's lips slowly curled up into a clever smile, looking like he'd just won a prize. "Give me your keys." He held his broad hand out.

Nesta frowned. "What for?"

"I'll bring your car over in the morning. It'll be a quick drop-off."

"You really don't need to..." She trailed off as Cassian reached over and stuck his hand in her tiny purse, quickly finding and pulling out the shiny keys. He jingled them in her face. "Thanks for these," he said, as if she were the one doing him a favor.

She opened her mouth, closed it, then nodded. She'd given up on trying to keep pace with their conversations, especially not when he rendered her speechless so often. "I should get inside now," she said.

"Don't freeze on the way to the door," he said, even though it couldn't have been more than a ten second walk. Again, was he teasing or being genuine? Or somehow both at the same time?

"Get home safe," she responded, because that was the only phrase her encyclopedia for social etiquette held right now. She exited the car and reached inside again to grab her purse. She might have left it behind so she'd have an excuse to linger in the pinecone-scented warmth of his truck for a bit longer. Eventually, she had to force her head out of the front seat, away from Cassian's kind smile and gorgeous eyes. "Goodnight, Cassian." Nesta shut the door between them, eager to end their interaction quickly so she could go inside and spend the whole night thinking about him.

Even with the door shut and the windows too dark to make out Cassian's face, Nesta swore she could feel it in her bones when he murmured back, "Goodnight, Nesta."

***

a/n: the gifts were not from her sisters…but that’s a story for later (never)

tags:

@rarephloxes @moodymelanist @arinbelle @sayosdreams @bridgertononmymind @live-the-fangirl-life @a-court-of-valkyries @secretlovelybeauty @humanexile @helion-ism @my-fan-side @royaltykxx @xoblivisci @planet-faerie @katekatpattywack @imagine-me @meridainthedisneyland @jungtaekwoonie-is-life @rainbowcheetah512 @valkyriewarriors @loosingdreams @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @perseusannabeth @that-golden-lyre @swankii-art-teacher @laylaameer01 @awesomelena555 @claralady @ghostlyrose2 @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @cassianscool @wannawriteyouabook @everything-that-i-love @sv0430 @xstarlightsupremex @faeriebambula

#nesta archeron #nessian #cassian #ncssianwrites #taylor swift song drabbles #ncssian asks #nessian fic

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thesassypadawan · 11 months ago

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Under My Tree *part 1* (Knight Obi-Wan x RealWorldFemReader)

Summary: It’s Christmas Eve. Your knight is nowhere to be found and all you want is a cozy rendezvous under your tree. (Pairs well with *NSYNC’s song Under My Tree)

Warnings: A lot of the fluffy and just a little bit of the dirty talk.

Note: Wizard *part 2*

It was Christmas Eve. Stars twinkled merrily in the night sky, as snow fell softly to the ground. All so magical, all so romantic…but it wasn’t the same without him.

You had held out the hope that your knight would have joined you this evening. However, as the party progressed on, it was clear that he was not.

You understood that there were certain duties he had to attend to and, let’s face it, crossing between your realms wasn’t exactly the easiest of feats. But that didn’t mean you still weren’t heartbroken over his absence…especially at times like this.

None the less, you had a nice time. You laughed with new and old friends. Caught up with relatives that you rarely got to see. Indulged in some delicious treats. You even enjoyed a cup of good cheer or two.

Such a wonderful gathering. You were sad when it finally came to an end, and you had to make the lonely trek back home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dusting the stray flakes off yourself, you pushed open the front door and was met with…

Nothing. No music. No twinkling lights. No happy, warm greeting. Not even a worn cloak or pair of boots in the entryway. Absolutely nothing.

With a heavy sigh, you shrugged off your coat and made your way to the living room. Maybe a cheesy holiday movie would help lift your spirits.

As you reached for the switch, the room magically came to life.

The tree shone brightly. All around you candles flickered. A familiar Christmas tune played. Even a fire crackled in the hearth.

And there…tucked beneath the branches…surrounded by a bunch of fluffy blankets and pillows…wearing a Santa hat…posed rather sexily was… “Hello there.”

“Well, hello there yourself,” you giggled, a surprised look on your face.

Offering you a glass of wine, Obi-Wan asked enticingly. “Care to join me for a cozy rendezvous?”

“Just relax, enjoy the view?” You reply playfully, accepting the drink and cuddling up with him inside the little Xmas nest.

“I’ll show you how good it could be,” Obi hummed, wrapping a strong arm around your waist.

“I wish that Santa could be here… Oh, wait, he already is.” You mischievously gave his beard a tiny tug.

Obi-Wan jokingly made a “oof” sound and pulled you in closer. “Careful now, darling; that’s how you’ll end up with your stocking filled with coal.”

Leaning your head against his shoulder, your grinned up at Obi not so innocently. “Then I’ll be sure to do it a few more times tonight.” And gave another tug.

“Such a naughty little girl,” he teased into your ear, fingers trailing lazily down your arm.

“You’re one to talk, Kenobi Claus,” you purred, shivering at his touch. “I know that’s not a candy cane I’m feeling in your pocket.”

Emphasizing your point with a flick of your hips.

“True,” he groaned, trying to keep his composure. “However, it’s a much better gift than what you think.”

“Oh, and what would that be?”

“Close your eyes,” Obi-Wan whispered huskily. “And no peeking.”

Doing as he said, you felt an invisible hand snake between your bodies. Tenderly caressing down your back, eliciting a small moan from you, before disappearing into his pocket.

You squirmed in anticipation, from the feathery strokes along your posterior. Your mind was abuzz with excitement for what would come next. Except, nothing could prepare you for…

“Open them.”

…a box hovering in the air. A ring resting inside. “Obi,” you muttered softly.

“Attachment is forbidden for us jedi, it’s said to lead to the dark side. I was once a firm believer in this, until you came along. Although our meeting wasn’t normal or logical by any means, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know nothing about our relationship has been easy, but we’ve made it work so wonderfully. You’re the light of my life, the other half of my heart. Will you marry me?”

Obi-Wan’s words hung heavily in the air.

This man that you cared for dearly. Your precious knight that you loved so deeply. He wanted to…

“Yes,” you said shakily, tears of joy in your eyes. “I will marry you.”

Nuzzling your neck affectionately, he murmured. “Extend your left hand, dear one.”

Doing just that, you watched as Obi used the force to place the silver-colored ring on your finger.

“I realize it’s not the fanciest, but I made it myself,” he explained. "The band is a piece of my padawan braid encased in carbonite and the jewel… Well, it’s a sliver of my lightsaber’s kyber crystal.”

Tilting your hand, you admired how the blue twinkled in the tree’s lights. “It’s perfect,” you said happily. “Just like you.”

Looking back, you twisted yourself around in his hold. With a flash of a tiny grin, you pounced on top of Obi-Wan. Sending you both crashing back into the mound of pillows.

You gave him a passionate kiss, which he returned tenfold. Obi even went as far as to roll and capture you beneath himself. Showering your face and neck with kisses, until you were a laughing mess.

“O-Obi! Stop! I-I can’t breathe!” You squealed, trying to stop the barrage from his lips.

“Sorry, sweetheart, but I can’t help it,” he chuckled, pressing his forehead to yours. “You just made me the happiest man in both galaxies.”

Gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. You lace your fingers together. Both whispering, “I love you”. And, in that stolen moment, nothing else mattered. It was a very Merry Christmas…it was truly beautiful under your tree.

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marina41trench · 1 year ago

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Yotsuba Tamaki - PTT Xmas RabbitChat [2/5] - Another Christmas Party

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Tamaki: Heeey

Tamaki: I don’t have work on Sunday next week, right

Tsumugi: Yes! You have a day off!

Tamaki:

Tamaki: Thanks for opening my schedule even though we’re busy

Tsumugi: It’s nothing!

Tsumugi: I apologize that you don’t get much rest at this time every year ><

Tsumugi: I heard you’re going to participate in the facility’s Christmas party!

Tamaki: Yeah

Tamaki: As Santa

Tamaki: I hope the kids will enjoy it

Tsumugi: I’m sure they will be really happy once Santa Tamaki-san arrives!

Tsumugi:

Tamaki: I used to wait for it after I mark the calendar

Tsumugi: When I was young, I used to do that too when I looked forward to Christmas (laugh)

Tamaki: Counting how many days left really makes you excited

Tamaki: And you won’t even get to sleep much a day before lol

Tsumugi: I know the feeling!

Tsumugi: There was a time that I fell asleep looking at the Christmas tree…!

Tamaki: You did that?

Tamaki: Little manager’s so cute

Tsumugi: I had a feeling that I’d meet Santa-san if I’m close to the tree…

Tsumugi:

Tamaki: The kids there said that too

Tamaki: They said they’ll write a letter so they could meet Santa-san

Tsumugi:

Tsumugi: Did you also do Christmas parties when you lived there?

Tamaki: Yeah. I bought candies and played games. It was very fun

Tamaki: I was really good at tail tag

Tamaki: Not only I could use my feet, but my head too

Tamaki:

Tsumugi: Tail tag is very nostalgic! (laugh)

Tsumugi: On the contrary I was very weak at it and my tail was quickly stolen ><

Tamaki: Manager’s weak lol

Tamaki: I aim for the tip

Tsumugi:

Tamaki: If we’re on the same team I’ll protect the tail

Tsumugi:

Tsumugi: Do you play tail tag even at Christmas parties?

Tamaki: I wanna play but I’ll be Santa

Tamaki: Maybe I could join them in other stuff instead

CHOICE

1) How about singing with them?

Tamaki: Sounds great. I’ll learn a Christmas song they’d like

Looks like they’d enjoy it more if I add dancing!

2) How about a staring contest?

Tamaki: I did that before! I’d get a candy if I win against the director who’s the Santa

She said that I stared at her a lot because I kept asking for candies lol

3) How about performing a magic trick?

Tamaki: I can do the one where a candy appears from a handkerchief!

Mikki taught me that in a program recently

Tamaki: And then do some candy hunting?

Tamaki: They’ll have it when they find it. I’m sure it’s going to be super exciting

Tsumugi: That sounds fun! I’m sure they’ll look for it very hard!

Tsumugi:

Tamaki: I’ll look for it too

Tamaki: Oh yeah

Tamaki: How about we do it at ChriPa?

Tamaki: I’ll keep eating King Pudding

Tsumugi: You’ll limit yourself to King Pudding lol

Tamaki:

Tamaki: Crap

Tamaki: It’s almost time

Tsumugi: Are you going out?

Tamaki: I’ll study for test with Iorin and Isumin

Tamaki:

Tamaki: Am I really good?

Tsumugi: You’re doing great! If you study with everyone you’ll surely pass the test!

Tsumugi:

Tamaki: That’ll be great…

Tamaki: I don’t wanna do supplementary lessons in the dorms if I fail

Tamaki: I’ll totally avoid it

Tamaki:

Tsumugi: Let’s do our best to celebrate with everyone!

Tamaki: I’ll. do. my. best.

Tsumugi:

#idolish7 #i7 #rabbichat #rabbitchat #yotsuba tamaki #ptt xmas #english translation #translation

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jackies-ear · 2 days ago

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I love my job but the fucking pay man

I budgeted it out better this month, like beg of the month I wrote out all my monthly’s- rent, utilities, loan, bus pass (bc they only do monthly, my one in or did a 3 month pass which was wonderful), dance subscription, pet insurance. Like my ‘have to pay’s. Threw a little bit at both credit cards (one is a store card that I don’t use a lot so I can usually just pay it off in one but I have bought more things last month so there was more on it and I don’t think I payed it all? And then my reg bank cc is…… almost a limit and I could only like 100 to it which basically just covers my therapy charges but I also have a utility on that and my Hulu (only subscription!)). I just changed dance to an annual plan, so that’s going away monthly and there’s a discount for annual so it helps. If I didn’t go shopping, I’d have maybe 200 after all that for the month? But I need groceries, I have pantry stuff but I need veggies and I can only find small boxes of my waffles so I have to buy more each week. I’m not giving up my new weekly flower routine, but I only buy 1 or 2 bundles of the 3$ so it’s nothing crazy. So after all that, I have like. 20$ for the rest of the month. And I have to go shopping again this weekend. I wanted to host Thanksgiving (just fam and dads house is kinda messy so it’d be easier here) but I’m not going to be able to buy anything for it! Like dads prob plannning on buying the food for it anyway so I could just ask him to bring it here instead? And group is in person next week and I wanted to bake again, and I think I have enough gf flour to make like chocolate chip cookies? But I need more chocolate chips… I could do snickerdoodles? And like melt the rest of the chips I have and dip them in it? As long as I can scale the recipe to what gf flour I have left I guess. Or I can just not bake but I really liked it last time! And I’m in a place where I can bake again and it makes me so happy! So I don’t want to not.. and I can’t change anything to my cc bc it’s almost at limit and I need some left for the utility and therapy. so I was like I’ll find a second job. Bookstore turned me down bc I have like no availability. I basically only have weekends, after 1. Bc I refuse to give up gym classes, which are weekday evenings and weekend mornings. And the evenings I don’t gym are therapy. NOTHING wants to hire for those hours. So, I thought the gym school break camps, but their winter break is only for like the last 2 days? There’s a spring break one but that’s my only week off lol. So I wait for summer camp again, bc that pay was good but I spent most of last yrs on moving and actually paying off my bank cc bc I can never do it otherwise. But that’s in June in 7.5 months…. I don’t know how I’ll make it til then esp w the holidays coming up. I already have smth for teacher coming (and it might bc bday and Xmas together which I hate doing but). Got Sarah’s parents already. Bro gets like a gift card. But he doesn’t buy gifts for dad (selfish asshole) so that falls on me. I have 1 so far and some ideas. Bc teacher bday is coming up we might do pottery again so that could be another if she chooses that but we also just did it for another bday.

I’m emailing work in the morning asking if I can change any of my contributions, hopefully I can lower my retirement and hsa so that’ll give me a little more. Thought abt either going annual or canceling Cassie’s insurance. I’ve only used it… twice? in the like 3 yrs I’ve had it. I can also try to change the coverage to lower it but idk if they’ll do that outside of the reg annual renewal. It doesn’t cover annual exams just accident/illness, which she doesn’t get, but if she did I’d have it and it’d pay me back. But it’s also a lot monthly. So annual would be nice I guess but that means I have to put up 200-smth now. Which I don’t have. I already had to go into my savings (again) to change to the annual dance just now. I’m using up all my savings for all this. And it’s nothing extravagant! I do coffee at dad’s! I only have 1 streaming I pay for! Maybe I start going to walmart idk man idk how much cheaper that’d be. I stopped Costco and Trader Joe’s, I just go to the H-E-B by me. But again it’s weekly bc veggies and waffles and flowers.

so I’m just stressed bc no one’s gonna give me a weekend only part time and now it’s 2 am and I’ve been up for an hr over this. I knew it was bad but actually writing it out this month and tracking it in like… oh god…

(and god forbid dad cancels the gym or like kick me off the phone plan and I have to start paying those (ik I’m lucky I’m on the family plans still and I know he won’t for the phone, but gym price goes up at new year and bro doesn’t go, dad hasn’t been bc he hasn’t been feeling well. I’m the only one using it. I think he should kick bro off and go to a 2 person and save that bit but))

#Stress stress stress

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jujumin-translates · 11 months ago

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Event | Xmas PARK CARNIVAL | Chapter 6

Muku: It’s almost time for takeoff. Hah, my heart’s racing just thinking about it…!

Sakuya: Same! It’s like the moment we’ve been waiting for.

Masumi: There should be some time to do a little sightseeing outside of the amusement park. I want to take you to look around and get souvenirs and stuff, Director. Can I…?

Izumi: Sure. There’s a lot of things I want to see too.

Banri: Sounds good, I think I’ll tag along.

Masumi: You’re not invited.

Banri: Damn, that was quick.

Tenma: The other guys in Summer Troupe also asked us to get them a bunch of souvenirs.

Muku: Yeah, right!

Guy: I was also given a list of things to get.

Tasuku: Well, we’ll see what we can do about that only after we put on a successful show at the amusement park.

Izumi: Right. We’ve got to make the show exciting so that everyone can enjoy it!

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Muku: Zzz, zzz…

Masumi: Zzzzz…

Sakuya: …

Banri: Can’t sleep?

Sakuya: Sorry, did I wake you up…?

Banri: Nah, I can’t sleep either, so you’re good.

Sakuya: …I’m really looking forward to doing the show, but I’m still kinda nervous about the challenges I have to work through.

Sakuya: We’ve rehearsed a lot so far, but… I’m not really satisfied with the play yet.

Banri: I getcha. I think it’s gettin’ better, but we can’t put on the show with the way things are right now.

Banri: ‘Course, I’m leavin’ it at that.

Banri: Let’s all get together again when we get there. Maybe we’ll get a better feel of the place then.

Sakuya: Yeah, sounds good.

Tasuku: …I know that you’re feeling restless, but you really should some sleep.

Banri: You’re awake?

Tasuku: Well, obviously. …And as for the play.

Tasuku: We all know the two of you will be just fine, so you can both go at your own pace.

Banri: …’Preciate you sayin’ that.

Sakuya: Thank you so much, Tasuku-san.

Sakuya: Fufu… I’m kinda getting a sense of deja vu here.

Banri: You are?

Sakuya: Yeah… back when we went to get Citron-san from Zahra.

Tasuku: Oh, right… It was you and Tsumugi talking then, wasn’t it?

Sakuya: Tsumugi-san already said this, but there really is something you’re looking forward to, Tasuku-san…

Tasuku: You can stop talking now, Sakuma.

Banri: What is it? I’m kinda curious now.

Tasuku: Just get to sleep already.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Sakuya: We’re finally at the amusement park!

Muku: Waah, it’s all decorated for Christmas. It’s so cute.

Banri: Huh, it’s kinda windy today, ain’t it?

Masumi: Cold…

Muku: Tenma-kun, let’s take a picture to send to everyone in Summer Troupe!

Tenma: Sure thing. They’re probably waiting to hear from us, so we can send them that.

Sakuya: Masumi-kun, Banri-kun, let’s take one together too!

Banri: Yeah, for sure. Aight, get over here, Masumi.

Masumi: Stop pulling on my arm.

Guy: …Takato, shall we take one too?

Tasuku: Guy-san… I don’t want to send it to the other guys, though.

Izumi: Alright, I’m going to go find the person in charge, so just wait here a sec, guys.

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Izumi: Thanks for waiting! Here’s Sasaki-san, the person who was in charge last time we were here.

Sasaki: It’s been a while, everyone. Thank you so much for coming all the way out here.

Sakuya: It’s great to see you again!

Muku: We can’t wait to work with you again!

Sasaki: Yeah, let’s do our best.

Sasaki: Well then, I’d like to start off by giving you a tour of the new area. If you could all follow me this way.

[ ⇠ Previous Part ] • [ Next Part ⇢ ]

#a3!#a3! translation #sakuya sakuma #banri settsu

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morvantmortuary · 2 years ago

Note

12, 56, or 67 for the ask prompts - whichever of these you find most inspired by for our Maxi 🖤

12: "I'll love you til my breathing stops"

56: "I am not myself anymore, I'm yours"

67: "You're so perfect, why do you want me?"

hi bee! :’D sorry I’m an idiot! 🖤

I’ll be honest, this one is definitely more… personal than I intended. I started writing it when I was really Going Through It w/r/t some depression stuff, a minor existential crisis where I wondered if it was worth staying in my program, dealing with the fact that my closest friends were also going through it and nothing I said seemed to help, just a whole slew of stuff that left me feeling rock bottom.

another part of it, I think, is that I have this weird thing where even though these were yandere prompts, I just… had this thing where I couldn’t just write the Reader hearing them? like, I thought for even someone like Maxi, who worships the ground his reader walks on, to out and say some of these things, I had to like - justify them somehow. Like I couldn’t hear them unless I was emotionally bleeding out, almost. maybe it’s because I’m a sucker for hurt/comfort, or something else I need to go to therapy about idk

and then once I got so far in, I was like “rae wtf this is such a fucking bummer, no one is gonna want to read this,” and so for a while I thought about starting over again just for something more fun

but, eventually, I reread this piece again, and decided that even if it’s kind of a sad start, maybe someone else could use something for the worst kind of days. I meant to post this on Yule, bc “longest night of the year” and all, but we all know how I am with doing anything remotely on time :’D

so, if anyone else is maybe having a hard time on this xmas eve, I hope maybe this is a small something to help

warnings for some really vicious self-talk on the part of the Reader, v v v brief discussion of su!cidal thoughts (like I said, I was going through it), descriptions of an anxiety attack, Maxi being a little too happy to murder anyone who hurt you, Maxi and his Reader swearing their deaths to each other, descriptions of necromancy, patricide, etc.

merry xmas, and rora and hector both have pieces coming too - this was just the one that got finished first 🖤 thanks for being kind enough to request, and I’m sorry again it took so long! I hope it’s okay 🖤

it hurts because you’re alive

(maxi morvant x gn!reader)

It wasn’t often you still had to contend with the voice from the darkest part of your brain. The one that had stalked you through the left-hand mirrors from the Masquerade, the one that some demonic presence - essence? Whatever - imitated in Maxi’s own mouth when it was trying to convince you to let yourself lay down and be prey. Since you’d been building yourself a pleasant life in Greymoon, one that you were more than happy to share with the man who’d stolen your heart, it had retreated back to whatever noxious neural fold it called home.

That didn’t mean there weren’t hard nights. Ones where it found you left vulnerable by an insomnia that refused to abate.

This was one of them.

You weren’t sure what had set it off, really: maybe it was the fact that Murphy’s Law had been in full effect at work, and nothing you tried had been enough to turn the day around. Maybe it was the phone call with your mom after, where more than one she’d suggested (albeit gently) that despite all the progress towards feeling like yourself again you’d made since moving here, there was still more you could be doing. Maybe it was the texts you’d swapped with Pavi that afternoon, where she rehashed the latest fight she’d had with a girlfriend she would’ve readily called awful if she’d been yours, Em’s, or Laurie’s. As carefully as you’d tried to point out that Pavi seemed to accept things for herself that she would’ve found intolerable for any of her friends, the two of you had just gone in circles, with Pavi insisting that she was probably just being biased in her recounting of the argument and you nearly pleading with her to consider how she’d feel if anyone else she loved was being treated the same way. When this proved fruitless, you’d eventually stopped and just let your friend vent until she felt better. It was the least you could do.

But long after you’d said goodnight, you were still sitting cross-legged on the end of your bed, lost in thought as you worried the skin on your lower lip with your teeth. After years of living with your specific brain curses, your usual self-soothing method was straightening up your house while listening to music as loud as you could stand it on your headphones; the idea being that bouncing between tasks with something drowning out the Voice would eventually convince it to give up and let you focus on anything else. But tonight, that had only left you more restless than usual. Your brief attempt to sleep had just ended in you plugging your string of fairy lights back in and returning to your playlist, trying to ward off your internal darkness with external stimuli.

How did you think you would be enough?

You trapped a piece of skin between your teeth, and bit down.

No, really. How did you possibly think anything you had to offer, to any of them, would be enough?

“It’s not about me,” you muttered aloud. “It was just a bad day. Shit happens. I’ll live, it’s fine.”

Your teeth, however, bit down once again on the spot. You could just taste the faintest trace of blood.

And now you’re talking to yourself. Just like old times.

Fuck off, you thought instead, but the Voice just seemed to crow in the fact that it’d made you change.

Oh, you little idiot. Just as spineless as you’ve always been. Your job knows that, you know - you weren’t smart enough or quick enough to improvise today. They all saw you fail. You let everyone down. Again.

This is unhelpful. You knew this was unhelpful. This was just wallowing. Everyone had bad days. This would pass. You would be fine.

…Right?

Your progress is not enough for your mother. She knows you can do more, do better. Be more. You can dress up laziness as contentment all you like, it’s still obvious to her. She must be so disappointed in what you turned out to be.

Your teeth kept sawing at the skin, and you winced at the sting of its separation from raw flesh, even as the taste of blood spread across your tongue.

Your love is not enough for your friend. It doesn’t matter how ferociously you care for her - it isn’t ever going to outweigh the hurt she’s willing to endure for even a taste of someone else’s. Someone real.

Stop, you begged yourself. You knew what came next.

How long until that ‘soulmate’ of yours sees all this and realizes his mistake?

You didn’t hear yourself whimper at this over the bass in your ears, the volume hurting now more than helping. You made no move to turn it down.

I’m curious. You suck at math, but make me laugh with an attempt: how long, exactly, do you think it will take for him to realize you weren’t worth the pain he went through? That he’s scarred, now, for nothing that could actually matter?

Your teeth picked a new spot and bit, but the tears were already there.

How long do you think you have until he resents you for your weaknesses? For everything you couldn’t be?

How long until even a creature of the utmost darkness finds you, and your broken little brain and heart, intolerable?

No, you pushed back. He’s not that. He isn’t, even with what he did. Does. He could never be. He’s good, his heart is good, despite everything that tried to force him to be otherwise.

Fine, the voice amended. Then how long until he gets restless because he’s stuck with a burden like you? Because you could never amount to more than everything you are that no one should ever have to deal with, much less love?

You blinked, feeling your breath begin to shake as something warm slid down your face.

There we go, the voice purred. You aren’t completely stupid after all. Gold star for effort.

You tried to force yourself to pick up your hands and wipe your face. Try to stem the flow of tears that turned your eyeliner into so much grime under your eyes, something else that added to the pathetic ineptness of your mien.

But they sat, listless and useless, on your thighs that took up too much room.

You can still exit gracefully, you know. …Well. As gracefully as possible for you. You owe everyone that much.

This was a lie. You knew, on some level, this was a lie. But it felt like the conscious You was locked at the back of your brain, kicking uselessly as this creature that seemed to slither and circle around the rest of your skull - and squeeze.

Your boyfriend’s a mortician, for crying out loud. He’ll at least make you look decent so you’re not a total embarrassment to anyone. Your mom won’t even have to clean up the mess when they find it.

…You had to admit. This made a certain, pragmatic amount of sense. It was tidy. Convenient.

Easier, perhaps, than the mortifying alternative of staying. Of letting anyone look too close.

He might even think one of your friends at the service is cute. Two birds, one stone. Provided any show up, of course.

That’s fair, you figured, this would be fairly short notice. People might still have to work, or have other plans, and you couldn’t expect people to drop everything for—

You let out a small shriek as you felt a chilled hand settle on your shoulder, nearly falling off your bed as you pushed hard away from the direction of your door.

When you just caught yourself on the edge of your mattress, you whipped around to see Maxi standing there, flattening himself as best he could against the doorframe and showing you his palms with an equally startled expression.

He mouthed something at you, and you could only blink, still not quite firing on all cylinders. He pointed to his own ear, looking concerned, and you jumped, quickly pulling your earbuds out.

“Sorry,” you managed. “Didn’t hear you come in.” You winced as you could hear your own voice crack, and before you could clear your throat, Maxi’s face changed.

“Hey now.” In one fluid motion, he crossed the space between you and fell to a knee where you perched at the end of your bed, peering up into your face with a familiar, scalpel-sharp scrutiny. “You okay, gorgeous?”

You looked away, trying to avoid his searching gaze, but he caught your jaw gently, guiding you by his fingertips at your chin to look at him again.

He made a small noise of alarm in his throat when you faced him, and when you finally met his eyes, he looked stricken. “Darlin’, talk to me, what’s wrong?” he murmured. His fingers traced over the tracks of your tears, wiping them away. He turned his hand slightly to examine his own fingertips, looking increasingly worried, before he moved closer to your knees to look up into your eyes. “Did someone upset you?”

For the most part, he still sounded like your partner - sweet, thoughtful, a habitual worrier - but you could hear the edge of something else creeping into his question. Something darker, lurking at the back of his own skull.

But how could you explain? If you told him what was going on - what was really happening - wouldn’t that just prove your inner darkness right? That you were a burden, demanding of care?

You kicked yourself internally, feeling guiltier now. Maxi already had to deal with a lot at his job, people grieving real losses. Why should he have to come home to even more crying from you, who was just wallowing in their own despair?

“Hey,” he urged again, softer, snapping you back to reality. He reached up, gently intertwining his fingers with yours where your hands still sat on your lap. “Angel, c’mon. You’re scarin’ me a little here. Tell me what’s goin’ on, okay? Let me help. Do I need to have words with someone?” He traced his thumbs across the back of your hands, trying to soothe you - but you fixated on the way he subconsciously rolled his shoulder, the one you had marked on that dark Halloween in the cemetery.

For some reason, it was that gesture - so innocuous, yet obvious in how you seemed to inflict yourself on him, on everyone - that finally broke the dam between your sinking heart and the world outside. The spiral had you fully in its grasp, and there was no getting out.

Your eyes blurred over as you looked resolutely down, feeling tears escaping their bounds faster than you could hold them back. A few of them made splattered constellations on the skin of your legs, just adjacent to where Maxi’s hands where intertwined with yours. You bit down on your lip, trying to muffle the sob that had been building for what felt like the entire evening, but the smallest of sounds still managed to wriggle its way out around your teeth.

Maxi let go of your hands abruptly, and you couldn’t blame him for his withdrawal - until the cold clutch of them encircled your face, guiding your head gently upwards to meet his eyes.

What you found waiting for you was the color of blood from deep in the body, seeming to burn of their own accord in the dim of your room. He was practically nose to nose with you, staring at you over the tops of his glasses with a look like a knife’s edge. “Give me a name,” he said, so soft it was barely more than a whisper. His fingers stroked your skin, but his grip was firm. “And they won’t see sunrise. I promise.” He leaned forward to close the distance between you, kissing gently at one of the tracks of your tears - but you still felt the brief, hot touch of the tip of his tongue to the spot. “Let me take care of it for you, please.”

You sniffled, trying to rescue some shred of composure. “It’s n-nobody. Really.”

“Oh, angel,” Maxi cooed, pulling just slightly back. He traced a new trail down your cheek with his thumb, hovering close to you. “You don’t have to defend anyone who doesn’t deserve it. Whatever it was, whatever they said to cause - this,” his hand flipped to stroke your skin with a knuckle. “It’s justified for me.” He kissed your forehead before meeting your eyes again.

You shook your head as the last of your composure slipped through your grip. “It’s not even a-anybody’s fault,” you managed around the lump in your throat. “I s-swear, it’s just…” You swallowed hard, but the ache just caused you to stop. “It’s just my fucking broken-ass brain.”

“…It’s what now?” You could practically hear the record scratch in Maxi’s brain as the murder dropped out of his expression entirely, leaving him blinking as the glimmering red seemed to cool like the last embers of a campfire.

You hurriedly wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your hoodie. “It’s nothing, I told you,” you mumbled. “I’m just fucking sad again over some stupid shit that doesn’t m-matter, like always,” you tried to inhale, but your breath shook too hard for you to get any relief. “And I c-can’t change it—“

Your heart was thundering in your ears, washing out all other sound. You were drowning.

“B-because I’m not g-good at making anything better, for anyone—“

Your skin was too hot. You felt seasick. This was really it, wasn’t it. The moment that you finally tipped your hand and showed how much of a wreck you really were inside, and he would make the only logical decision. One you could never blame him for, really, because it was inevitable.

It fell out of your mouth in a rush, insensate almost to your own ears: “And I’m just going to be like this forever, and you’re going to get sick of me and leave, and why shouldn’t you, when I can’t even keep my shit together and just be a n-normal fucking functional—“

You were aware of the words dying on your lips, the sudden movement causing the ache to leave your lungs in an exhale, but you weren’t sure of the cause.

You also weren’t quite sure why the room shifted, or why you were suddenly staring up at your ceiling rather than down at your feet, but you were conscious of being cocooned in the essence of your partner: the faintest hint of embalming fluid, something like wood polish, the cologne he put on this morning, and the touch of laundry detergent that had started to smell like home to you.

You realized he’d taken you both to your mattress in a near-tackle, cradling you before you could realize what was happening. You were caged in his arms now, laying sideways next to him with your hands pressed against his chest between the pair of you. The pressure you felt around your torso was him squeezing like he was trying to keep you from coming apart at your ribs.

Like you were something fragile.

It took you a moment to realize further that his lips were against your hair, and the hiss you heard was him shushing the tiny, cracking sobs that were finding their way piecemeal out of your chest.

“No, baby, I’m always gonna be yours,” Maxi murmured into your hair. “It’s okay, baby. You’re my life, I’m not goin’ anywhere.” He kissed your head like he was trying to kiss your skull itself. “Mine’s broke too. It’s okay.”

You half-sobbed, half-hiccuped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t— you shouldn’t have to—“

“Nothin’ to apologize for,” Maxi insisted, somehow managing to hug you tighter without bruising your sides. “You’re mine. I won’t ever go somewhere without you.”

“But I’m a mess,” you blurted wetly against his vest, your chest kicking like a horse from the inside. “I’m such a mess, Maxi, I’m gonna wear you out. I wear everyone out, you don’t understand.”

Maxi shifted so instead of keeping you against his chest, he was eye-level with you, squeezing your shoulders in his hands as his glasses were somewhat crooked against your pillow. “Darlin’, I know everything feels wrong right now, and your brain’s not fightin’ fair,” he said softly, his eyes wide as he searched yours. “But I think your sense of scale is a little bit… skewed, here.” He smiled weakly. “I’m not tryin’ to make light of anything, but I think I have a little more reason to be worried about somethin’ like that.”

Your heart was racing in your chest like you were trying to drive with no way to steer. “I don’t wanna make you tired of me,” you managed, not entirely sure if you were making sense anymore. “I don’t want to make your mark hurt anymore, I don’t want you to come home from a long day to me being a drain, I don’t want you to realize you got a bad deal.”

“Angel,” Maxi soothed, running a hand over your hair. “You’re not thinkin’ straight. That’s not somethin’ I would think about you, ever. You’re talkin’ to the serial killer here, remember?” he added, with a laugh that sounded more nervous than anything. “You’re the one who got more than you signed up for.”

“You had to go through that whole thing with your dad, and They Who Decide,” you went on, as if he’d proved your point. “You wouldn’t have had to if I wasn’t here. You wouldn’t have had to get hurt, or get possessed, or—“

“For you, I’d do it all again tomorrow,” Maxi said, his voice soft. “In a heartbeat. I don’t care.”

You shook your head, not sure how you couldn’t make him see what was right in front of his eyes. “I’m not worth that, Maxi, that’s what I’m trying to tell you now rather than you waste more time.”

“And I’m tryin’ to tell you,” Maxi argued, his eyes plaintive. “That I don’t care what that demon in your head says, baby. I got one too,” he insisted, loosening an arm so he could gesture at his temple. “The real one and the one that comes from growin’ up thinkin’ I’m dead already, and nothin’ would ever change that. You have no idea how many times a day I wish to god,” he smiled, and it was strained. “I wish I could go back, somehow, and tell me when I was livin’ through the worst parts — every dark basement, every broken body, every night feelin’ absolutely fuckin’ inhuman — that we were gonna find you. That all this bullshit was gonna turn out to be worth it. All the years of feelin’ like I couldn’t tell anyone the truth, and we survived.”

Your shoulders bucked slightly as you fought your sobs. “I don’t want to let you down. I’m so scared of disappointing you, you don’t understand—“

Maxi took your face in his hands again, his gaze pleading. “No, you don’t understand,” he said, and you could hear him fighting to keep his voice steady. “You don’t have to be the one that’s afraid of that. You could never disappoint me in a way that matters. I’d swear it to you on our future tomb. I need you to listen to me, baby, I will love you ’til my breathin’ stops and long, long after. There’s nothin’ you could do, no part of you that you hate that would ever make me think otherwise. You could put a bullet through the dead center of my chest, and not only would I think you were in the right, I’d still love you when I hit the ground.”

The idea of causing him harm of any sort squeezed your throat harder than the lump that was already there. “I don’t know how you can say that,” you whispered, shaking your head. “I keep waiting for you to realize that I’m not enough to justify that kind of pain. I’m so scared of hurting you. Of being the reason you get hurt.” Your hands found his shoulders and your fingers curled tightly into the fabric of his shirt, desperate for something to hold on to. “You’ve already been through so much, you don’t deserve to suffer when you can avoid it. I couldn’t stand myself if I brought that on you, on top of all my shit you already have to put up with.”

The red returned to Maxi’s eyes, and oddly, you were more soothed than alarmed. You almost wanted his darker self there as a form of assurance, to know that it could protect the man you loved from the fathomless chasm that felt like it was splitting your chest.

“Listen to me,” he demanded, that shadow from his eyes creeping into his words. “I never… I never got to belong to myself, you understand? I was always my family’s next chess piece on the board, or They Who’s next prize monster, or the reaper’s host. I knew that. I spent my life knowin’ that, and I didn’t see another option.”

You recognized the way his fingers of his left hand moved against your back, his tell for weighing his options. The way his eyes went briefly distant, you realized he was making a decision.

His free hand moved to his chest, tracing the scar there through the fabric of his clothes. “…This wasn’t…” He trailed off, his lips a frustrated line as he chose his words. His eyes met yours again, the red still there, brighter now. “…This wasn’t just my dad,” he said at last. “I mean, he put the first one there. The original.” He hesitated a moment longer, the tip of his tongue briefly tracing his lip. “…When I thought my family’s legacy was all I had — all I’d ever have — I reopened it.”

You flinched in horror at the very idea, knowing just how deep that scar tissue went, how thick it was over the muscle. “Oh, Maxi… why, baby?”

A corner of his mouth twitched into a grimace “There’s all sorts of things you can do with a heart when you know how, babydoll. Unnatural things that no one can undo… that no good person would ever dream of.” His eyes moved to a point in the distance over your shoulder, something in them dimming. “And for a long time, I studied it. I read everythin’ I could find about it. It was all I could dream about anymore.” His eyes flicked back to yours. “I was ready to give up blood, skin, and bone for just the chance that it would work.”

Your tears were sticky on your face where they were drying, and you fought a shiver from somewhere deep in your gut, like it recognized something in Maxi’s words you didn’t. “…So what happened?” You couldn’t help but whisper, despite the fact that it was just the two of you in your room.

Like you were afraid something else would hear you.

An exceptionally grim smile bloomed on Maxi’s face. “Not my proudest moment, is what.” He looked away from you again, as if he couldn’t bear to hold your gaze. “Or maybe it was, I don’t know. It was the night I buried my mother. I wasn’t sober by any means, but my father was dead drunk. He interrupted me, we got to arguin’, then screamin’, and before I quite realized what I’d done… he was just dead.”

Silence settled over the pair of you as he met your eyes again, watching you like he was waiting for you to recoil from him. To suddenly realize in that moment what kind of monster had been sharing your bed for all this time.

“…Yeah, well,” you murmured. You reached up, gently brushing a lock of his hair away from his eyes as you held his gaze. “Good riddance.”

Maxi’s smile softened into the one you knew best, his eyes relieved despite the shade lingering in them. “I didn’t realize just how lucky I was that night. Not by half.” He reached up, moving some of your hair on your pillow away from your face. “Because later, after so long of never belongin’ to myself, you let me be yours. And you gave me back what was left of me, you hear?” He swallowed hard, and you could finally see the glow that had swept in with the familiar red gleam was at least partially tears of his own. He traced the line of your cheek. “You reminded me I was still a person, somewhere under all of this. That I was allowed to want more than just grittin’ my teeth and gettin’ through what brief mortal life I was meant to have.” He shifted on his pillow again, closing the distance between the two of you. “I spent ages askin’ myself, ‘they’re the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever had, the hell do they want with me?’ And—“ He stopped, forcing himself to take a breath that wasn’t quite steady anymore. “And you took such… care of me,” he went on. “You loved me so much, I started to believe I could just… be human, after all this time. Could deserve to be loved, even.”

He moved his hands so his arms encircled your waist again, hugging you tightly while giving him enough space to keep eye contact. “You have no idea how many times in my life I went out in the dark and didn’t care if I saw daylight,” he said softly. “But that night we walked into the Masquerade together, I knew I’d fight Hell itself just to stay alive with you for one more hour. I’d never been more certain of anything in my entire life.”

The heat that seemed to fill your own eyes, lingering at your lash line, was from something entirely different now.

“Your brain chemistry can run its miserable little mouth all it wants, darlin’.” Maxi rested his forehead gently against yours. “And I’ll be here to hold you until it quiets down, whenever you need me to. But it’s dead wrong. I know that for a fact.” One of his hands, still cool to the touch, cupped your cheek like you were something wondrous. “There is nothin’ about my life you haven’t made better just by bein’ in it. And we’re gonna live a longer one still. A happy one, despite everythin’, together,” he took one of your hands in his, bringing it gently to his lips. “I love you exactly as you are. I always will.”

Fresh rivulets formed on your face, but these felt… different. Like rain after a drought.

You wound your arms around his neck, trapping his chest — scar and all — against your own. “I love you the same,” you whispered. “Exactly as you are. All of you.” You pressed a single kiss to the corner of his mouth. “And there’s nothing that can ever change that.”

Maxi’s grin was unmistakable. “Y’know, it’s the damnedest thing,” he said quietly. “For the first time, I’m lookin’ forward to livin’ through whatever’s next.”

You smiled for what felt like the first time in days. “I’m glad I get to be here for it.”

Maxi leaned forward to kiss you properly, long and slow as though to make it last the rest of your lives.

#nice people #bee!! 🖤🥰#maxi morvant #maximilian vincent morvant #morvant mortuary #maxi morvant x reader #maxi morvant x you #maxi and his reader #maxi's final them #slasher oc #necromancer oc #slasher oc x reader #gn!reader #genderqueer reader #non-binary reader #plus size reader #reader's in a dark place #not quite hurt/comfort but close

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