#maybe i just hate doing my work in the way i should and am subconsciously stressed about it

[emptymilk-bottle]

next time i pick up a book i need to know if it has university related emotions bc man

[imtrying-ok]

I'm from a family where women are in charge of most things, finances, the house, bills getting paid on time, important administrative and historical documents and papers, family heirlooms (men are so dumb, they can't be trusted with that stuff!), the children. In my subconscious mind, women work harder. Women go to work everyday and men are just lazy slobs. All men are good for is a (smaller, obviously) supplementary income, having kids with, maybe cooking, and only sometimes emotional companionship. (I am serious - this has been said to me in different ways by multiple family members, from my mom to my great grandmother)

I was told I was so lucky to be born a girl, because I get to join this long line of women. That they were so lucky I was born a girl so they had someone to continue a legacy with. That they could dream of never loving a boy the same way. That they could never let a man continue this legacy, he's too dumb! He'd lose everything. He wouldn't care about the legacy, obviously. He'd just ruin it like all men do. They're so glad I'm around, I'll inherit everything and take great care of it.

I wanted to wear a suit to my father's wedding and they were scared. They heard me going by my gender neutral last name instead of my feminine first name (inherited from my greatx5 grandmother no less) and they hated it. "Don't you want to be a girl?" But I know what they really meant was "don't you want to be what I think you should be?" Then my grandmother talks about how she's scared she won't have anyone to inherit her house, her things, the pieces of history she takes care of (a piece of the Berlin wall, an old German family Bible, my family's passports from the 1800s, a handwoven tapestry, etc... "old country" stuff that every European immigrant family has laying around for some reason. But that's for another post.)

I know why it apparently can't go to me anymore. I've been 'tainted'. My beautiful feminine qualities have been pushed out by my desire to be a handsome untrustworthy kind violent man (they can't even call me that) other . They could handle if I was a lesbian, it was only logical to like other women, and my mother dated women as often as she dated men throughout my life. They could handle if I didn't want kids, in fact, I was told explicitly to not have them in the past (thanks grandma), they can betray you and leave you heartbroken (thanks mom). They couldn't handle me being a man.

There is some kind of inherent quality of being a man that makes you bad. And I was choosing to betray them and myself.

Needless to say, I don't feel very comfortable in trans or feminist spaces.

[taboo-delusion]

So, I just discovered something interesting.

This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me. It's important. Seriously.

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

TLDR2: Even if I wasn't trying to help people feel better, Apparently I was born with a nat 20 perception/insight check, so please don't argue that I truly understand what I'm talking about here.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

Hi, so, I made a lil quiz on controversial opinions and one of them was that narc abuse isnt real and someone disagreed and gave a response that I thought was intriguing, however I am an egotypical so I figured I'd go to this blog to see your opinion on it?

The response was "Know a lot about this topic (got really deep into the NPD) and i gotta say it's fine to say narcissistic abuse. The whole pointttt is that we're all trying to help folks with NPD, narcissistic abuse is real and should be talked about but that doesn't make narcissists evil/unredeemable. Individuals w/ NPD greatly affect those around them, unlike stuff with most cases of like, existential OCD since that's most internalized rather than externalized. I don't have any issue with the term narcissistic abuse and y'know, it's like, not something you're gonna care about in 50 yrs."

i do not know a single person with NPD who felt at all "helped" by narc abuse truthers. no, 99% of narc abuse truthers are not "trying to help folks with NPD," i've never met or seen one who wasn't passively ableist at BEST. most narc abuse truthers are not trying to help, they are not trying to understand, they DO in fact think we're irredeemable and a good portion of them wish to actually wipe us off the fucking planet. multiple times i have seen narc abuse truthers just straight up spew eugenics. most narc abuse truthers don't even actually know what NPD is beyond abuser disorder.

it is true that people with NPD can affect the people around them, but that is not at all a trait unique to people with NPD. narc abuse as a term makes it sound like there is something uniquely abusive about people with NPD. all narc abuse describes is patterns of emotional and psychological abuse, nothing more and nothing less, and those patterns are not unique to us. i have been abused in ways that narc abuse describes by people did not have NPD. if you want a term that literally just means "abused by someone who had NPD," you would need to apply that same logic to every single disorder out there that could possibly have an externalized affect.

even if a term like "narc abuse" worked in theory, the communities that are fostered around it are horrendously and disgustingly ableist. it is the nature of a term like that. blaming the abuse you suffered from someone soley on their disorder not only takes responsibility off of them as a person, but also inherently subconsciously creates negative associations with that disorder and everyone else who has it.

i am going to get a bit vulnerable about something i'm not proud of. i have had a very similar mindset narc abuse truthers have about NPD but with bipolar disorder. i grew up knowing my extremely abusive father had bipolar disorder as he was diagnosed when he was younger. i blamed the majority of his actions on his disorder, it made me scared and paranoid of people who had the same disorder. i even had an old friend who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder while i knew him who explicitly told me he was afraid i'd start to hate him or be afraid of him. and a part of me was afraid of him for it. i was miserable and made other people around me miserable. i had to at some point confront the fact i could not blame his disorder for all his abusive actions, i had to make the disconnect, i could not hold innocent people with the same disorder responsible for what he did to me. it was not their fault, and they did not deserve to be held accountable by association of a disorder they did not ask to have.

i could not imagine how much worse it would have been if i had something like a "bipolar abuse" community. i maybe never would have undid my ableist views. these "[disorder] abuse" communities always inherently create an environment that is extremely negative and hostile towards people with said disorder. you can absolutely have conversations about how your abuser's mental illness and trauma affected the relationship you had with them, as mentioned before my father's untreated bipolar disorder absolutely heavily impacted our relationship even outside of his abusive behavior, but these kinds of communities are not the way to do it.

and actually, this is something i will still care about in 50 years if i have to, but hopefully i won't because hopefully it won't still be an issue in 50 years. though that may be wishful thinking.

[justallihere]

Thoughts post my rereads:

She was not a thing—not something to be acquired and used. When had she stopped fighting Xaden on that?

She wasn’t sure she did. All the quiet, intimate moments between them—she had to wonder now if they had been authentic; had to wonder if he’d done it just so she would trust him.

I love our look into Violets thoughts and feelings surrounding Xaden’s betrayal. She put herself out there for him, intentionally or not, and all that trust and vulnerability wasn’t returned and manipulated.

She didn’t want to. She didn’t want this to be real. She was tired of facing things—tired of having to be what others expected of her, tired of always doing the right thing. She was just tired.

You characterize Violet’s exhaustion and anguish so perfectly. I also broke down crying reading this, it’s such a relatable feeling. The way Violet feels so violently (hehe) yet her brain keeps spinning to problem solve is so well done. Bravo!

“I need to talk to Xaden.”

“Fuck Xaden,” Rhiannon said harshly. “He married you just to sacrifice you. You don’t owe him anything.”

“I want to hear what he has to say.”

“Lies, probably.”

Your honour, I love the Rhiannon defence squad.

“I just need to talk to him,” she said.

She needed—she didn’t know what. To see Xaden’s face, to hear his voice. She needed the confirmation from him that this was truly what he’d always intended for her.

I love that we see Violet’s need for information here but we also see that she’s starting to need Xaden as well. That she has started to rely on him for comfort, even if it’s just subconsciously. I truly, truly love how you’re depicting them falling for each other. Especially as later we see:

She hated him more than she ever had, and still not enough.

She knows that Xaden has wormed his way in no matter how mad she is.

Liam’s face crumpled before he caught himself and smoothed out his expression. “No. Of course not.”

Liam—Liam she still didn’t let herself look at.

Liam paused, looking at her imploringly over his shoulder, but she didn’t acknowledge him

Sometimes I feel like the Liam/Violet falling out and reconciliation is going to hurt me more than the Xaden/Violet one.

“You can elaborate on that,” she said, “or we can find out if killing you really will destroy us all or just inconvenience Sgaeyl for a day or two.”

“This my power, my signet, my body—my fucking choice. You tried to make it for me, and I should kill you for it.”

Violet drew back her fist and punched him in the face.

THAT’S MY GIRL ❤️‍🔥🗡️

“Because you did this. You married me, you brought me here, you handed me a crown, and you planned to use me as a weapon this whole fucking time. So now you’re going to deal with the consequences of your actions and look me in the face and explain to me exactly what all you’ve lied to me about.”

“Fuck, do you really think I’m such an awful, heartless person that I could take care of you and hold you the way that I have and it means nothing to me? Do you think you mean nothing to me?”

She shook her head slowly. “I don’t believe you.”

“Yes,” she said. “Alone.”

Welcome to your bed Xaden, you can now lie in it (or maybe not) 😅

“Every time you’ve held me, have you—“

This line really hit me because we know Violet is drawing parallels to Dain here. 😩

He pinned her leg down hard with his own when she tried to wiggle it free. “Don’t do that,” he said, strained.

“What am I thinking right now?” Violet asked tauntingly.

His gaze dipped from her eyes to her mouth, and then lower. “You really want me to guess?”

“Yes.”

“Liar,” he murmured,

They’re so horny for each other I love it.

I know I said in my A03 review that I want Xaden on his hands and knees (and I do) but I truly do love that you depicted him NOT apologizing for his actions. What I really want to see is Xaden recognizing that Violet doesn’t trust him and working to fix that, which I think we saw a peak of in this chapter. Looking forward to his POV to delve more into his thoughts and feelings around the whole situation!

Once again your chapters always outdo themselves. You’re a brilliant writer Alli, I truly appreciate your dedication to delivering us amazing content every week. Thanks for keeping me fed! 💞

Thank you so much!!!

I feel like Violet straight up just isn’t over shit enough in canon. I want her to just throw the biggest fit in the world, she’s tired, she’s been tortured, her boyfriend lied to her, her brother lied to her, everyone wants something from her, and she’s never as mad as I think I would be in her case. I just needed her to scream and cry and be TIRED. And in this chapter she definitely is

Violet trusts Xaden far more than she wants to, but she does need him in a lot of ways. He grounds her because he’s never coddled her

Violent Violet is the best Violet!!!

I think you’re the first person to point out how horny they are for each other in this one 😭 I mean they always are but to be horny in the middle of a fight?? Married idiot behavior

We will definitely see intentional Xaden and Violet working their shit out moving forward. She asked for honesty so she’ll get it

🩷🩷🩷🩷

[vizthedatum]

Another Hinduism/spiritual/philosophy post (based on my current understanding from my readings):

Krishna clearly disavows cults.

He says that the only way to him - for people/devotees to teach his lessons - are for the people who come to him on their own, on their path to moksha (liberation).

We cannot teach anyone who is unwilling to learn, even if they say they are willing - the willingness needs to be ingrained in every, single, part of you, down to your very subconscious.

You must embody it completely and even beyond that. Because to do so is the most powerful act of remembering who you are.

And Krishna purports that through this process, we will realize that this is the only way to break through maya (illusion/delusion).

—

So this is all to say: don’t trust gurus who persuade you via false promises of a happy life, if they are not willing to be honest with you about how you see yourself. I think most gurus are false. I think there are people who provide services that can be helpful, but we must all be careful of who we trust - what is their motivation for helping you?

People do find cults - and I think they’re meant to find them, maybe as a challenge in their own physical-spiritual journey to see that it is yet another mask of delusion. (Oh and Hindus definitely find themselves in cults all the time, lmao)

Much like how many of my past friendships and partnerships were - there were a delusion of what I needed or even wanted.

And as much as I hate to admit it (a weakness of my existence), I haven’t fully let go of many of my maya - I want to, that’s why I study, that’s why I pray, that’s why I seek to achieve enlightenment, that’s why I want to treat people the way I think I should be treated…

I have not mastered many of the elements that Krishna tells Arjun about in the Bhagavad Gita - but it’s not necessarily about mastery, it’s about the process of getting there.

I want to be better - I want to keep learning - I want to keep living.

(I’ve often said this, and I’m not quite sure what he told me, but when I was suicidal in high school, it was ultimately the Bhagavad Gita that saved me.

I picked it up and read it on my own, I stopped listening to my parents’ bullshit, I paused time and meditated on the song and what it was saying, and I came to a conclusion that I cannot remember -

but the spirit of it has always stayed in me, and it is that spirit that propels me to fight to stay strong, to find resources, to find comfort, to feel my emotions, to meltdown, to embrace my body, to worship my goddesses, to find Krishna, to come out as trans, to seek refuge with my friends, to make mistakes, to learn from my mistakes, to be who I am despite of all of life’s challenges.

I strayed away from religion after high school - it shook me to my core because I thought I wouldn’t be a good scientist and because I got caught up in finding love from outside myself -

and now after multiple traumatic life events, I find myself more spiritual and devoted than ever, and I cannot go back. I cannot go back even if I wanted to.)

And because of this want, this compulsion…. which I think is part of the plan anyway, the truth will come to me that it’s always been there.

I think God/Source/the truth is everywhere - it is in every single object/idea we can sense, it is what we experience, it is our inner guiding light, it is within us, it is outside of us, its bigger than us, and it is us. It shows us that no one is better than the other.

I am not perfect nor do I aim to be.

I just want to be me.

—

So this is all further to say that:

We all have it within us to find our own truth, regardless of religion or method.

I will cease to stop telling people who cannot listen (I’ll blog and express myself of course!! People don’t have to listen to me on here, lol!)

Some people need guidance but they will find each other eventually. Connections often tell you what you need to work on.

I hope I continue to find my people/community (and I already have - I’m immensely grateful for my friends from all walks of life).

This is my own truth and journey - it’s something that has brought me immense peace as I continue to navigate this life.

[dearweirdme]

https://www.tumblr.com/dearweirdme/757099430517309440/when-i-said-earlier-that-this-shows-promotions?source=share

Hahahahahah! Sure will scold if it reaches to that. Just kidding but point isn't only about jokers. It's aslo about armys in general. We are really expecting rational thinking from people which I'm sorry to say is not a cup of tea for everyone. Leaving aside a few, don't ask but observe how fandom responsonds to these two ships and these three in general. This may offend some people but majority of fandom is sheeps here. If company shows them taekook are not longer close they believe it, no one bothers about weird angle and set captions. It's not even about believing them as couple but if such a beloved pair seems distant on screen and together backstage there must be something wrong with what is portrayed. Right? But all of these are cult talks for them. Company tells them jkk are always together, share cars and stuff, now this narrative floats and people think it as nature's law. But there is another factor i.e. Taehyung. He is shown to be aloof and not caring of members especially Jungkook. Remember wings tour and JK's injury. Perfect set up for hate. See these things may look small and insignificant but the consistency affects you subconsciously. Result is Tae is most hated and gets the harsher treatment, Jungkook is always hyped but can't get above BTS and Jimin is an angel who needs to be protected.

It's not like JKk became this cult in a day. They were as normal as any other ship (obnoxious yes, but normal). In fact at a time, it was tkkrs who went beyond limits trying to prove their ship when content was lacking in comparison. But this subtle but constant feeding by the company created this cult what we see today. Why do you think most armys prefer Jkk and can come out as Tae anti. Nobody joined fandom deciding this. Now, how does this effect beside member getting hate? They will always move for someone who think is a victim. It affects others image outside fandom, affect charts and opportunities in the long run. Now in this case you decide who is their perceived victim. Why do they do this? Because they want to feel good about themselves. Classic psychology 101.

You may say but a large part of the fandom is not on social media and stan Twitter are more voiced but sorry to say in today's world most voiced is most heard. No one has time for truth. The way armys are working for Jimin they should have worked for everyone. If someone comes and tells me, but every member gets hate, yeah, but not like Tae, I am sure everyone has seen the demo recently.

My whole point is no one gets bersek, they are made like that when they are promised to be fed which company always been doing it and unfortunately Tae will be set up for more hate. I also understand your point that it is an individual responsibility to check themselves but people really understimate external influence and mass opinions.

Sorry for the long text wall but I just wanted to keep my point how company is marketing without thinking of consequences it brings for some of its members or maybe knowing that (who knows with them).

P.S. I don't know if you have ever read works of Daniel Kahneman. He got nobel prize for theory of irrationality which sounds obvious but people understimate it.

Hi again anon!

Let me preface this by saying I am fully convinced that Jk and Jm are genuine close friends. I've gotten a lot of asks from Jkkrs and neutrals (presumably neutrals...?) talking about how us mentioning company content is automatically undermining Jm and Jk's friendship. It is not. Everyone who has watched reality shows (outside of bts fandom) knows how a narrative can be created. Everything we see in offical content has been a choice, even backstage footage we've seen has been a choice. To think that BH isn't aware of that, or chooses to not follow those tactics is naive. There's things they want us to see and there's things they do not want us to see. They show us more Jkk because that is what they want us to see, they show us less Tkk because they don't want us to see.

So I agree with you that there's a certain idea they wanted to get across. I am pretty convinced the company wanted us to believe Tae and Jk were distant. I am very convinced that they never were. I'd even go as far as to say the company is glad that Jkk balances out Tkk in a way. I'd not go as far as to say they want people to actually believe Jk and Jm are together.

The way I've always seen it is that I think they company gives the incentives, and lets fandom take over from there. They pair Jk and Jm up, they focus on them, we get a lot of JmJk moments.. so it's easy for Jkkrs to build on that. I don't actually feel that Jk and Jm have a romantic feel about them, and I think outside Jkkrs people would agree. So basically I think the company just counts on Jkkrs to do the hard work here.

I do blame the company for how it turned out. I think it's safe to say that the extreme hate Tae gets comes from how they've handled this. Tae is called an attention seeker, a leach, a queer baiter.. all sorts of things, and that comes from people believing Tae and Jk aren't actually as close as they are. I think people hating on Jm also comes from the same root. Because Jm does get a lot of hate from Tkkrs who have picked up on how hurt Tae got by seeing Jkk at times. It is certainly unfair and I think it has caused a lot of damage. It is no wonder that Jk is so protective.

I agree that the company wants this ship to thrive. It's good for business. They have a duo with great, genuine chemistry... and they definitely make use of it. I agree that they should have put more boundaries on it though, because I think at this point it has gone too far and it actually hurts Tae, Jm, and Jk. I'm not sure if they can put a stop at it though, unless they would say to Jm and Jk.. no, you can't do this and you can't do that, because Jkkrs have to be put to a hold. I think Jm and Jk wanted to do the travel show, and I do not want them to hold back because of some insane part of fandom. I believe Tae, Jm and Jk would have talked about things like this, and I think they put their friendship and freedom to interact as they want before fandom. Imo, that's how it should be.

Having said that, and yes I'm being glass half full here, I fully expect the travle show to have continueous debunking moments. That is basically what we always see. Jkkrs are going to brush over it ofcourse. But I fully expect to see mentions that point out how Jk and Jm are just friends. Close, connected, cuddly, caring friends.. but friends indeed.

[rageagainstmymachine]

Kinktober 2023 | Edward Richtofen/ F! Reader | Fic 6

Uniform Kink

Words: 3,362

Tags: Ultimis Richtofen, perceived Nazism, Nazi uniform, unwanted uniform kink

"This has got to be the worst place we've been." You groan, letting your head roll to the other shoulder, a heavy sigh showing your great displeasure. You were in some swampy marsh somewhere in japan, you think. It was a lot like the one you went to early on in your travels, the one right after than German insane asylum.

"You say that every time we go somewhere new." Richtofen hummed, his hands busy fiddling with some strange contraption. He happily whistled some tune, obviously not the least bit concerned with your unhappiness.

"Because every time we go somewhere new its worse than the last."

"What about the moon? The moon was fun! It was the moon!"

"I hated the moon. There was no air and that fucking weird cosmonaut was chasing us."

"That what made it fun! Well, that und how the blood und guts splattered farther with the gravity und such." He waved his hand dismissively.

You groaned again, your head rolling back over. You just watched as Edward fiddled with whatever he was fucking with, examining his features. His face was pale, almost grey and had dark circles around his eyes. You were all very tired, but Edward always seemed the most tired, despite being the most energetic. You had no idea how he did it, you wondered if he was on some sort of drug. Pervatin, maybe. That could explain a lot.

"You know, a picture would last longer. Just be sure to get mein good side, ja? What am I saying? Every side is mein good side."

You felt your face heat up at the realization you had been caught staring and averted your eyes. "Spaced out."

"Awh, and here I was thinking you were admiring my handsome face und perfect body."

You couldn't deny he was handsome. Hell, he was gorgeous. He was tall and slim, but he had muscle, even at his age. How old was he anyways? Fifty? He looked fifty. Not to mention that his uniform hugged him in all the right places, his broad shoulders and small waist...

Stop it! That uniform is monstrous! It represents everything that's wrong with the world! It represented fascism! It's ugly and you should hate it! You shouldn't be fantasizing about the way the fabric stretched over his broad shoulders or how perfectly his belt hugged his slim waist...

"I can practically see you thinking. Think any harder und you might explode." He teased, standing and approaching you. You couldn't help but watch his hips sway as he approached, or the way his long legs strode towards you. "I wonder what you could be thinking of to cause such a reaction..."

He stopped directly in front of you, smirking down at you. It was unnerving when he did this. You stood up, a subconscious reaction as nervousness began to creep up your spine.

"It must be quite exciting." He hummed, getting impossibly closer. You had to crane your neck to look up at him. He was so close you could feel the heat radiating off him. 

He is coming on to you. Not that you're surprised. He has been suggestive to you in the past. Well, suggestive to everyone actually. Even a few zombies. Inanimate objects too... he was a weird man.

You hated the fact his seduction attempt was working. You could feel yourself becoming flustered. His uniform was so close. If you reached out, you could touch it. You wanted to touch it. To touch him.

You were ashamed of yourself.

He chuckled softly, leaning over and pressing a hand against the wall next to you, his body only inches away. You could hear your heart beating in your ears, as well as his breathing. "Oh, I think I know." He said lowly, his accent heavy, tone husky. "You want to fuck the enemy, don't you?"

Your breath hitched and you felt a shiver run down your spine. His eyes were lidded, a smirk tugging at his thin lips.

"You want to devour the big, bad German. And I do mean big in... multiple ways." He whispered the last part in your ear, making you let out a little gasp. Your hands found his lapels, torn between pushing him away and yanking him closer. When he didn't receive an answer, he clicked his tongue, bringing his hand up to grab a fistful of your hair. He tugged on it to force you to look at him. "Oh, you are much too prideful."

He crashed his lips into yours. You let out a muffled moan, kissing him back hungrily. This was a very bad idea. He was insane, this was his own twisted game, this was treason... But God, it was hot. It was right in all the wrong ways.

Richtofen kissed roughly, hungrily, desperately. It was messy, and you could taste the bitter iron of blood, you didn't care enough to ask yourself why. His teeth pulled and bit at your bottom lip, causing you to groan. The heat was building in your core, pooling low in your abdomen.

Your hands ran along the fabric of his coat, trailing across the embellishments on his lapels. You could barely even focus on the kiss as you touched the belts across his chest. Your movements froze when you touched something cold and sharp. Fingertips danced from one point to another, your eyes fluttering open and downwards as you realized you were touching his iron cross.

Your mind wandered to what he did to receive that metal. Did he fight in the Great War? It would make sense with his age. You couldn't be sure but you don't think you see a swastika on it, it had to be a Great War iron cross. Was he this insane back then as well? Why were you just now thinking about it?

He sensed your distraction and pulled away, fast enough to see where your eye line was. He peered down and grinned, finally noticing your hand on his medal. "You must be wondering how I got this, huh? Imagining all the ways one soldier can receive one." He said, his voice dropping an octave lower.

You couldn't help the fear appearing in your eyes as his tone became serious. It was terrifying when he was serious. He searched your face for a few seconds before his smirk returned, his tongue flicking out to lick his dry lips."Don't look so terrified, I was a field medic in the Great War"

"How the hell does a field medic get one?" You finally found your voice again, the confusion forcing your words out.

He laughed, a sound that sent shivers down your spine, whether it was in excitement or fear you didn't know. "Perhaps it's best to keep that a secret." He purred, leaning in close again, his lips ghosting over yours. "Just make sure those American hands of yours stay off the medal, ja? You can look all you want, though. It's more than obvious you have a thing for it…und the rest of mein uniform."

You swallowed thickly, looking away in shame. Damn.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of." Edward chuckled darkly. "In fact, I've heard before that women go nuts for a man in uni-"

"Just shut up and kiss me again, Richtofen." You groaned, grabbing his lapels and tugging him closer, crashing your lips together once more. He hummed into the kiss, his hands gripping your hips, squeezing them firmly. He unabashedly rutted his hips into yours, his growing bulge pressing against you.

He pulled away from you, leaving you wanting and needy. God, so stupidly needy. He put distance between the two of you, and you almost asked why, but soon he was smoothing down his uniform, giving you a playful twirl.

"Tell me, fraulein, what do you like about it?" He questioned. "The fabric is a bit rough und tight, the belts are always digging into me, but if you find it appealing, who am I to judge?"

"Richtofen..." You warned.

"Do tell, I'm curious." He mused. He had that grin, that stupid fucking grin that made your blood boil. He knew exactly what he was doing to you. He was teasing you and loving every second of it. He was getting off on your frustration and embarrassment.

It's the way the coat sits well on your broad shoulders, tapers down to your slutty little waist! It makes you look taller too especially with the cap, it commands authority. It's because your pants make your ass look so damn good. And the boots look ready to step on me. And god, how I want you to step on me. That white button up and tie combo makes you look professional and sane, yet you aren’t professional and nowhere near close to sane. It’s the Luger attached to your hip, ready to be pulled out and used, the belts just begging to be gripped, and whatever the hell is on your other hip! Is it a bag? And dear god, it’s the iron cross you wear. I can’t even imagine what you’ve done to receive it, I just know I want you pressed against me so hard, it leaves an indent against my breast. 

Your head spun as you admitted this all to yourself in rapid fire. If you didn’t run it through your mind, as much as you didn’t want to, you knew you would blurt it out. You had to get a hold of yourself.

Edward seemed to enjoy the silence, watching your face intently, waiting for you to give an answer. The only sign of his patience wearing thin was the tapping of his foot.

"You just look good in it, okay?" You tell him, giving him an inch. But he wasn't satisfied with that, he wanted the whole mile. You should know to never try to appease a German. Look what happened to Czechoslovakia.

He snickers, shaking his head. "Come now, Fraulein. You can do better than that." He purrs.

You huffed, chewing on your lip before glancing back to him, your resolve crumbling as you took in his gorgeous appearance."God, it's hot. Okay? It's super fucking hot."

His smirk widened, but he continued to prod.. "Why? Why is it so hot?"

"Because it shows off your broad shoulders and slim waist, and makes your ass look great… You're just a prick, but I want you inside me." You spat out, crossing your arms. "Happy now?"

"Ohohoho I'm very happy." He chuckled, removing the straps that crossed his torso. He set the satchel he carried aside, unclipping his holster and setting his weapon on the table. The way he didn't remove anything else signaled he had no intentions of removing his uniform tonight. He knew what he was doing. He still stood a ways from you, seemingly waiting for you to do or say something. You were too aroused to play these games. You relented to his wants.

"Are you going to fuck me or not, Richtofen?" You growled hoping to sound annoyed and not as needy as you felt.

"I might if you ask nicely." He cooed.

You clenched your fists.

"Please, Richtofen." You said, through gritted teeth. "Fuck me."

He grinned, stepping over to you. His hand caressed your cheek, before his fingers wrapped around your throat. You couldn't stop the moan that escaped your lips, or the way your hips rolled. You could feel his length press into you and it was heavenly. He leaned in, his nose brushing against yours. "Say that again, but this time, less formal."

"Edward, please fuck me." You whispered, and he let out a guttural growl. He released your throat and gripped the backs of your thighs, lifting you and pressing you into the wall. You let out a little yelp of surprise, your legs instinctively wrapping around him. He captured your lips, his hands wandering, kneading your flesh; pinching and grabbing. his hands were just as eccentric as the rest of him.

He didn't waste time, carrying you away from the wall to the windowsill, setting you down to begin removing your pants. You kicked off your boots as you let him, watching as he tugged down the clothing. He took your panties with them, leaving you completely bare from the waist down. You felt the urge to cover yourself, but his hungry gaze and the way his tongue darted out to wet his lips quelled that. He was quick with his own pants, tugging them down his slim hips, freeing his cock. He wasn't here for romance, or foreplay, but neither were you.

He was quick to slot himself between your legs to line himself up, pressing his length into you in one smooth motion. You hissed at the stretch, his earlier remark about big things wasn't a lie.. Your nails dug into his shoulders as you moaned out his name. He wasn't gentle. He gave you no time to adjust. He began pounding into you immediately, a brutal pace, his hands gripping your hips tight enough to bruise.

"I'm just a militarized Kraut for you to get off to, ja?" He hissed in your ear. His breath was warm, accent thicker than before, "Is that all I am to you? Just a uniform und a cock to satisfy that cunt of yours?"

"F-fuck, Richtofen."

"You think of me as a Nazi, yet here I am being your personal sex toy." He purred. His hips snapped against yours, his thrusts rough and quick, hitting that one spot. The one spot that made your back arch. He chuckled, his eyes half lidded and full of lust. "Where are you democratized morals now?"

"Fuck, I hate you."

"No, no, Fraulein. The word you are looking for is love." He grinned, his eyes dark. You felt a shiver run down your spine. He was scary, and yet somehow that excited you.

His thrusts were getting sloppy, his breath ragged. You were close, so close, you just needed a little more. He must have noticed, his hand reaching between the two of you to rub circles around your clit. The added stimulation sent you over the edge. Your back arched and you threw your head back as you came, a strangled moan of his name escaping your lips.

You could feel him shudder against you, a long groan escaping his lips as your walls squeezed around him tightly. He stilled inside of you, his grip on your hips bruising. He was quiet for a moment, and you opened your eyes to find his own staring into yours. They were lidded and full of want and need. He got too close to the edge, and he didn't want to cum just yet. You could feel him throbbing inside of you, and it wasn't long before he started moving again. He was relentless, his thrusts deep and rough, his fingers digging into your hips. "I'm not nearly done with you yet."

"Give me a moment." You breathed, but he wasn't having any of it.

"Oh, fraulein. You'll take what I give you und I'll continue until I am finished."

He fucked like a man starved, his thrusts hungry and greedy. You were still sensitive, and every thrust against your g spot was a wave of overstimulation. You whined and begged for his mercy, but he would give none.

"You'll cum again for me, und then I'll consider stopping."

You cried out, clinging to him desperately, trying to find anything to ground you, anything to take away the intensity. It was too much, yet not enough. "Edward..."

"If you don't shut your mouth, I'm going to shut it for you, Schlampe." He hissed.

You couldn't stop the whimpers if you wanted to. It was too much.

Richtofen growled, seemingly fed up with your noises. Your clit got a much needed break as he removed his hand to paw at his chest. He wrapped his glove clad fingers around his Iron Cross and quickly yanked it off, pressing the medal to your lips. "Bite."

You opened your mouth and his fingers pushed the Iron Cross in. The taste of the iron filled your mouth and you moaned. He resumed rubbing your clit, the feeling of biting down hard on the cross was enough to ground you - your whines were significantly decreased. 

The way that Edward looked at you with a deeper stare made you wonder if he was getting off to watching you bite the medal he got all those years ago.

His thrusts continued to be hard and fast, but you could feel him becoming more and more erratic. The hand on your hip tightened, and his breath became heavier.

"You better cum before I do, otherwise you are in for a long night." He hissed, his thrusts slowing a bit. His hand picked up its speed on your clit, causing a moan to escape past the medal.

It was too much. The feeling of metal between your teeth, the way Edward was looking at you, the fact that he was wearing his uniform. The way he fucked you without mercy. It was all too much, and soon enough you were coming. Your body trembled, your eyes crossing as stars littered your vision. Your legs clamped around his waist as your cunt spasmed again, milking his cock.

He didn't last much longer, the feeling of your cunt squeezing him bringing him over the edge. A strangled moan escaped his lips as he spilled his seed into you, thrusts shallow and uneven. He stayed there, his breathing labored and his heart pounding as he continued to lazily pump his cock into you until he had nothing left to give.

The muscles in your jaw failed as your mouth quivered open, the Iron cross falling on your chest. It was coated in saliva and blood, which made Richtofen's cock twitch inside of you. He grabbed it, not bothering to wipe it off before pinning it back on his coat.

He slipped out of you, and you couldn't stop the whimper that left your lips. You could feel his cum dripping onto the windowsill. Richtofen didn't seem to care though, as he went about redressing himself. He was nice enough to throw you your clothes, and you took the hint. You didn't bother with panties, slipping your pants back on.

He didn't look at you. His hands were quick to fix his coat and uniform, smoothing out any wrinkles. He grabbed his hat and straightened it on his head, looking as polished as ever. Once he was finished, he finally looked back at you. His eyes held a warmth and rawness that looked terrifying on him.

"I'm not actually a Nazi, you know." He finally spoke.

You stared at him, eyes travelling down to the very obvious Nazi uniform.

He seemed to notice this and let out a snort, his gaze flicking downward. "Ja, ja. I know. But I didn't really have a choice in the matter. It's all rather complicated; Group 935, monetary needs, Maxis making promises to... certain parties. Which I strongly opposed, mind you."

"But-"

"It's a lot more complex than simply being a Nazi, fraulein. Besides, do I really look like the type to be a Nazi? "

"Absolutely you do." You say bluntly.

"I'm hurt." He gasped. "Und after I went through the trouble of telling you the truth. It was quite painful too - so much emotional torment." He feigned offense, putting a hand over his chest. "I may be an insane scientist, but that's all I am, I swear."

You could help the smile that found your lips. You tried to look away fast enough to hide it, but he saw it clear as day.

"There we go, I knew there was a smile under there." He smiled, his eyes soft. "Now, let's do this again soon, ja? Aber, I am a proper boy, you'll need to buy me dinner first before you seduce me, next time."

You laughed, shaking your head. You turned and left before you tried to stay longer, leaving Edward to chuckle at the door.

"Till next time, fraulein."

~

This fic on Ao3

All fics (Ao3)

I'd appreciate it if you left kudos!

[panther-os]

Apparently my communication style is really weird?

Like I thought it was just standard shit but I was explaining to my mom about a discord server I wound up leaving because they were accusing me of being hostile and I was talking about how I would've handled it as a mod and how it should be common sense, and she was like "You know that's not normal right? The way I taught you to communicate was cobbled together to deal with the many strong-willed, neurodivergent & neurotypical personalities living in each other's pockets in a traumatic environment and it didn't even work well then. To other people, you and I are the weird ones, and it's not common sense". So like, here's a few things I thought were normal that apparently aren't (info):

1. The "Impartiality Switch"

I am ride or die for my friends 100% of the time. Unless I'm in charge of them and there's an issue between them and someone who is not my friend. Then, I'm their mod/admin/what-have-you not their friend. It is literally my job as an authority to be as impartial and objective as possible so I do my fucking job (echo).

Apparently, most other people do not have this switch.

2. Intent vs Impact

Saying how I feel isn't assuming what someone meant to do. I use a lot of "I felt" statements and if I say something like "I felt attacked" it's because I'm looking for emotional validation ("oh sorry (sympathetic) I hate that feeling") not because I'm looking for a confession ("sorry (assuming responsibility) I shouldn't have done that/should've done that differently"/"probably because I was attacking you").

Apparently, most people mean "you attacked me" when they say "I felt attacked".

Now that I have that context, I think I tend to push on this one and make it worse? I think because when people get upset because they feel I'm accusing them it feels like they're trying to police my feelings. Like they're telling me I'm not allowed to feel that way? So I keep trying to explain what I'm feeling and they keep feeling accused.

3. No "Apology Threshold"

If someone tells me I hurt them - intentionally or unintentionally - I apologize. Granted, they have to say it in those exact words, because I am clueless, oblivious, and autistic, but still.

Apparently, most people have a subconscious line somewhere among the different kinds of hurts they can give where for anything under the line they don't need to apologize and anything over the line they do. And like most of what's usually under the line is anything unintentional.

I'm still just baffled by this one like??? No wonder people say I over-apologize. But also why would you even have this? To me, it's one thing to not apologize because you can't mean it, but it's a completely different thing to not apologize because you haven't hurt the other person enough yet. I imagine that's probably not how people who have the line think of it, but that's really the only way I can conceptualize it as someone who doesn't.

Maybe it's also a generational thing and doesn't really apply to the online spaces I tend to be in, because like. this is my mom who's telling me how "normal people" communicate, but again I really thought all of this was normal and common sense. But apparently, nope, I'm the weird one. Story of my life (light-hearted).

[imagionationstation]

GONNA GET RANTY

You like my rants, do you?! You like my headcanons?! Hmmm?!

THEN LET’S GO BECAUSE I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED THAT I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THIS!

Two words. Fungus. Humongous.

*screams into pillow* *wrenches self back up*

OKAY. Let’s get ‘er done.

It’s not the episode itself that I don’t like. It’s just one premise of it that I refuse to accept. And as it’s already been established that Donnie is the fav, I THINK IT SHOULD BE CLEAR WHERE I AM GOING WITH THIS

Or maybe not. Because this became canon, so a couple writers must have been blind to it. So let’s get a move on, shall we?

So. Their fears.

April’s makes perfect sense. Her dad’s been turned into a mutant that she can never be certain isn’t going to decide that she’s his meal instead of his daughter. She knows that he’s her dad, but he’s also become something else. That has to be scarring and terrifying, especially since he kidnaps her whenever they meet. This girl has some serious trauma, and her fear is of her dad turning against her- him hurting her. Especially after he’s spent his entire life obsessively protecting and caring for her.

We’re introduced to Leo’s fear early on, which is him failing his brothers. He mentions that he has nightmares about things happening to them, and him not being able to do anything about it. Not only does he have big brother and instinctual mama bear vibes, but now he has leader responsibilities on top of it. He’s terrified that he’s going to be the reason they get hurt.

And I know what you few Leo-shouldn’t-be-leader fans are thinking, and NO! I do not support fanfics where the brothers are like “Sensei gave this to you when it was to much for you to handle, so you shouldn’t be leader anymore”. LEADER IS EVERYTHING HE WANTS IN LIFE! LEADER IS APART OF WHO! HE! IS!

His father didn’t up and decide that for him! Master Splinter was just trying to help lead him to being the best leader he could be!

Of course it’s stressful! He’s out there saving the planet and keeping his family safe! Besides, what worthwhile thing in life isn’t?

We’ve already established that Casey has a thing about rats, and who knows if it originated or was influenced by the story about this ‘Demon Rat?’ Super curious about that lore, btw.

In conclusion, perfect sense. Irrational/chronic fears are not fun.

Also, Casey, bro, look me in the eyes and tell me that you haven’t subconsciously shaped the Demon Rat to look like Master Splinter this whole time, because I believe nothing! 🤣 (Not a jab at Splinter, I just like how brains make connections without our consent. Like how dreams work, yk?)

Mhmm, mhmm, I completely believe that somewhere in Raph’s mind, he’s secretly terrified that the Spy-Roach- *looks at mental notes* -otherwise knows as Chong (*WHEEZE*🤣)- will come back. His irrational fear transformed into a weaponized creature that’s only life’s mission is to hunt him down and end him, and in turn, will happily end his brothers along the way. Two terrifying prospects in one. This fear checks out.

Again, past mutant trauma that I wholehearted believe haunts Mikey because of their first battle! He never had the irrational fear, but he does have the spooky tunnel attacks and almost drowning at their hands in the back of his mind. They start out tiny and cute and suddenly they’re purple and trying to kill you! No way to tell until it’s too late! Seriously, it’s played off as a joke (a funny one, mind you), but I wouldn’t trust squirrels either!!

And now.

What you’ve all been waiting for.

“Don’t touch me! Get away from me! You make me sick! Mutant! Weirdo!”

“April! What’s wrong with you??”

“You nerdy- three-fingered- FREAK! I hate you! You mutated my father! I never want to see you again!”

YEEEEEE- CAN I JUST SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS! The way the scene is acted out is a little cringe, but you look past that and EVERYTHING THEY ARE NOT SAYING BUT ARE ABSOLUTELY SAYING?!

“Don’t touch me!”

HELLO?! THE MUTATION SITUATION ANYONE?!

“Don’t! Don’t touch me! You keep away from me! I never want to see your faces ever again!”

“What am I to April, anyway? I’m worse than a nerd. I’m a freak! We’re all total and complete frea-!”

People, this is all being made up by his subconscious. I don’t think I’m reading into this when I say that he is absolutely dealing with intense insecurities and this cringe scene is so much more than him fearing his crush disliking him. April is the first female human he’s ever met; the first human kid his age that he’s ever come in contact with! I’m not surprised that he attached himself to her, or that he’s placing every inch of self-respect on whether or not she can see past him being a ‘freak’.

I think if they had left this here; I would have been in love with this ep. This would probably be up in the favorites, and I’d watch this as obsessively as I watch “The Broken Foot” and “The Creeping Doom”.

Unfortunately…

THIS IS THE ESCALATION SCENE?! THIS?!

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DOES?! THIS TRIES TO UNDERMINE EVERYTHING THE FEAR PORTRAYS! THIS TURNS IT FROM A DEEP AND BURIED TRUTH, TO THE OBSESSIVE CRUSH! I CAN STAND THE CRUSH ASPECT AT TIMES, BUT THIS IS PUSHING!

BUT I REFUSE! I. REFUSE.

NO WAY! NU-UH! NO WAY! NOPE! NADA!

There is obviously some serious Mutant Dysphoria going down, and I’m willing to bet it’s been there for as long as this kid has known the truth about the human world. This should have escalated into his brothers hating him or being mobbed by humans or just her yelling at him some more- literally anything would have been better than this!

Oooooh, maaan, I am so high strung right now. Should probably walk away before I snap. As you can see, I’m so normally attached to this show and this boy. Nothing concerning or unreasonable about it!

If you disagree with or dislike anything I said, leave a factual comment explaining why I’m wrong! I totally could be! Or you could not know something that unintentionally makes you wrong. Either way, turtle education is shared! Tis the best kind~ 💚💜💙🧡❤️💚

[clonebrainrot]

Aftermath Season 1 episode 1 rewatch

A live reaction

The bad batch aftermath

So we begin

I completely forgot that they had a clone wars intro for this

Ah Kanan sounding like a 40 year old man

And here they come!

Ah POV shot my beloved

God they are so badass

God I am already getting emotional over fucking nothing lol

Tech no you can’t say the C-word

You gotta appreciate all these battles where they are working together it only happens like 3 times in the entire show

God captain grey sucks

lol Tech doesn’t even look up from his data pad when he is introduced by Kanan. He is literally me.

Any orders or shall we do what we do? God what a great line

Oh yay! Order 66!

And everything continued to go down hill from this point onward

smh rebels was contradicted in rebels he said her last words were run not Caleb! I can’t believe they would get this wrong. My day is ruined

Also I am literally just writing all my thoughts out as they happen I’ll have a lot more succinct post later.

Even this early I cannot get over how good the animation looks

You have orders from the chancellor? Wrecker doesn’t give a shit lol

Hunter saw Kanan and he wanted to adopt him immediately

Crosshair is an amazing shot anytime he isn’t shooting a good guy. Then he misses a lot. Although you can argue that he is subconsciously resisting the order if you want

Poor Hunter he is trying his best to

God I am so tempted to writer a the bad batch protests Kanan fic. I think Omega and Kanan would have such a fun dynamic.

God the scenery shots all look gorgeous I wish I knew how to take screenshots of Disney plus or else I would show you

I forgot how often Tech talked. I don’t know why

Remember when people said the dead Jedi here was shaak ti? Cause that made no sense. She literally has a green hand.

Also every line of dialogue between Tech and Wrecker is just hilarious

“Oh they seem the same to me” I love you tech

My exceptional mind! Another great line

Info dump more Tech I will enjoy every piece of dialogue you give me

First appearance of Omega!

Interestingly Omega notices when Hunter looks up at her. Hmm makes one think doesn’t it. Tap this one down as the first of “omega is force sensitive” (I won’t let this theory die”

There she is. She is just the best.

Also Omega has the worst haircut ever.

I love all of Omega’s weird little waves. She’s so socially awkward sometimes I love that about her.

Oh boy. Tarkin here he comes to ruin the day

lol the Kaminoasn really are like “bitch what are you talking about”

Oh my man soup clone is gonna steal the scene

I like to blow things up because I like to blow things up. You always know your ways with words tech

I can’t get over how horrible omega’s haircut looks it is so bad

Soup clone or should I say CX2!

I love that this food fight is a regular occurrence

Regular clone coming in With a metal tray!

I wish they had done more with Echo’s PTSD

I will leave you to process the shock of this revelation

Maybe this empire thing isn’t so bad after all (it was)

I just realized what happened to Lama Su? He just dipped out of the shows lol

And wrecker is shot for the first time. First of many. I think it might be four total. Wrecker takes an absolute beating throughout the show

What we did on Felucia. Well now I need a whole show about that

Tech riding the proto dark troopers is such a video game moment

I completely forgot how little Omega is in this first episode until like well over half way through

Crosshair’s knife shot may be my favorite of the entire show.

Ah the fetus room my favorite one on Kamino

I completely forgot Tarkin has met Omega.

Squad does not make a squadron. I thought squadron was just for aircraft and naval vessels? I know this is a nitpick and doesn’t really matter but it stood out

I love how Hunter always goes to Omega’s eye level. I love that about him.

Oh oh! Oh no! Kid you aren’t a soldier. Damnit I am crying now. She grew up to be a soldier! Ah I hate it I am going to bawl my eyes out for the rest of the episode

Saw you complicated man. I don’t hate you like some, but you always go about it the wrong way you drove so many people away you indirectly killed one of the brightest minds on Star Wars, but your heart was in the right place. It’s just how you fight. That’s what is important

I love how Tech knows who Saw is on sight. He knows literally everything I love that about him

Saw also does it. He gets to eye level when talking to children. I love this detail. Not talking down always talking directly.

Crosshair always the contrarian with “not that you know of”

Wait how did Tech know about the conversation with Tarkin where he talks about the five clones. He wasn’t there. There are a few instances throughout the show where characters know things they really shouldn’t

Someone is coming we need to go. That’s two strikes for force sensitive omega (again not letting this die)

God the wide shots on this show are stunning

Do you think it’s a problem that I can recognize all the trailer shots as they appear? lol

Strike 3 for Omega being force sensitive. Although this one you can excuse as just her knowing about the inhibitor chip. There is one that will be coming up that you can’t read as anything other than force sensitive IMO

Oh did I ever tell you how when I first saw Omega in the trailer I thought she was a boy lol.

I love Omega copying her brothers it’s so cute

I can’t get over how bad her hair is. I hate her original hair style. It’s just so bad lol

God even in this episode so early the music is absolutely banging.

Omega knows crosshair is coming before he actually comes. And then she’ll make this amazing shot. Omega is force sensitive. Nothing says she isn’t in the show. And so I will go to my grave believing it. Canon be damned

Also why is the Coruscant guard on Kamino? What happened to the gray colored Kamino police clones?

That’s a second shot for wrecker. Dude just keeps getting beaten the shit out of. Already planting the seeds for that inhibitor chip activating later

And there is the shot. Followed by shots that go completely off the mark. Makes one think doesn’t it…

Also Nala Se you sneaky sneaky. I hate you for fives and also love you for helping Omega in the end.

So begins Omega’s adventure. And so begins the beginning of the end for theirs

Next stop Cut Lawquane

God I am excited to go through these episodes. It’s like it’s starting all over again even If I have watched this show a collective 4 times lol.

[totally-not-deacon]

WIP Wednesday, baby!

Tagged by @throughtrialbyfire!! Gonna tag some fresh meat I haven't gotten to yet: let's go with... @watchyourdigits @sassenashsworld aaaand @obscene-beans if ya wanna go.

So I'm at a point where there's a LOT of spoiler-y type stuff, so I had to root around a bit. Fortunately my brain refuses to write in order, so I have a fairly long little draft of a scene between Marasa and Inigo planned for a later chapter! Most'll be under the read more:

I’m sorry, I don’t speak ‘knuckle dragger’. Could you repeat that?” Marasa’s chair slammed into the wall behind her as she shot to her feet. If this son of a bitch thought he could pull that on her…

“Easy, now.” Inigo’s hand came to rest on her arm. She glared up at the now smug-looking Nord in question, before she let herself be pulled away. One more word.

“He’s just some drunk snowback, I could take him down, no problem!” She slurred, easily just as inebriated, while tugging futilely in his grasp. Inigo nodded to Lucien on the way out, sure he’d let the others know where they were off to. So maybe he had a plan in case this happened, even ready to rent rooms elsewhere. They weren’t going to tell her that, of course.

“While I am sure you could, and I might otherwise encourage putting a racist in his place, we are in Windhelm.” He walked them through the crowd and into the frigid night air. “Why don’t we visit that corner club instead, before we end up visiting a cell.”

She deflated, sagging against him. Her breath formed soft clouds in the cold night air. “I hate this city.”

“As do I, but we are only here for the night. These people are not worth sitting in jail over, believe me.” They wound through the ice-slicked alleys, working their way back to the Gray Quarter. Footsteps echoed off the ancient stone walls making up the city, cutting through the silence. He was right, he usually was. He nudged her through the door first, the burst of heat welcome on her chilled skin.

She wasn’t too keen on this Dunmeri alcohol, but she nursed her drink all the same. There wasn’t anything she could think of to say, so she remained silent and scowling at the tabletop.

“How are you doing?”

“I…” The question caught her off guard, eyes meeting his. Her mouth hung open. How was she doing? What she was doing, sure, maybe even why sometimes. She could answer those. But how… “I – I don’t know.”

“You have been through a lot recently. I do not blame you.”

Her frown deepened. How was he always so… understanding? It frustrated her to no end. Just... how did he do it? A tiny part of her wanted to reach out – to crawl from her own throat, thrashing and screaming to the world. She swallowed, feeling it growing.

“It’s just…” She should keep her mouth shut. “A year ago I was just another broke sellsword. Just another someone trying to run from themselves, right? I was alive, but that’s it. I just was. And I was okay with that, I think. But now…” Stop talking.

“Now, what?” He asked gently, encouraging her to finally begin to open up. He knew she needed to, it wasn’t healthy for anyone to bottle their emotions up so, and she was certainly an expert at it.

“I don’t –” She could feel her face heat up, her eyes begin to sting. It didn’t make any sense. Marasa buried her face in her hands. It was ungrateful, undeserving. She wanted it all at arm’s length and a tight embrace. Fingernails bit into her palms. “I don’t know what to do with it all!”

“All I’ve ever done is follow orders.” She continued, her mouth moving before she could think to stop it. “That’s all I’ve ever done – and now this? I’m supposed to be some kind of leader?An icon to a people that would rather see my kind slaughtered wholesale!”

They wanted her to be a hero.

She wasn’t. She never was. “I thought I was getting better. Or at least learning to ignore it…”

“And then…” Her voice wavered. The bite of shackles, the damp stone walls. She rubbed her wrists subconsciously, unable to actually say it aloud. The bruises may have faded, but the wounds inside still lay open and festering. She thought she was going to be sick. “And then everything came back.”

Inigo opened his mouth to respond, but she was on a roll. “But at the same time I have all of you. I have a house – an actual house! I’ve got friends…” More. She choked. “And I don’t feel like I earned a single bit of it.”

I shouldn’t even be here.

“My friend…”

Her voice lowered, alcohol blending the edges of the words together. “Half the reason I don’t go home, y’know. Did you know how proud my father was? When they shipped us off to Auridon… Did you know he congratulated me? Do I look like someone to be proud of? Look at me!”

“It feels like they wanted this, sometimes.” She hugged herself to the point it hurt. “They wanted a hero in the family more than a daughter.”

An arm wrapped around her shoulder, drawing her into a hug. She sighed, letting her head drop froward. “Sorry. Dunno where all that came from…”

“Do not be sorry. Every one deserves to have their voice heard.” Inigo assured her.

“Would you like to know what I see?” Marasa shrugged, no longer trusting her voice. She’d said enough already.

“I don’t see a hero.” Despite her own feelings of the term, it would still somehow sting from anyone else. “And I see that you are very scared. You are scared, and like a cornered animal – sometimes you lash out.”

“Way to cheer a girl up…” she mumbled.

“And I see someone still standing despite it all.” He continued. “I do not see a hero, but I do see a strong, courageous, and incredible friend.”

“So cheesy…” A small smile played on her face and she elbowed him in the side. She sniffed, quickly scrubbing at her eyes.

“No, that would be your pack after visiting the market this morning.”

[chaoss-incarnate]

Am I not shunned and hated by all mankind? You, my creator, would tear me to pieces in triumph; remember that, and tell me why I should pity man more that he pities me? You would not call it murder if you could precipitate me into one of those ice-rifts and destroy my frame, the work of your own hands. Shall I respect man when he condemns me?

Mary Shelley - Frankenstein

This line has affected me and made me apply it to other situations in my brain, which i wish to share.

on one side, i apply this line to women in society. we'll work are way through it shall we:

'Am I not shunned and hated by all mankind?' very straightforward, misogyny is taught from very young and women are always the lower life force and therefore hated and uncapable.

'You, my creator, would tear me to pieces in triumph' in this context man would be the 'creator' (i think i see this more as a father-daughter thing, of course there are many wonderful fathers). a father will put down his daughter with misogyny without a second thought.

'why I should pity man more that he pities me?' women are expected to pity and care for men, though they put us down constantly.

'You would not call it murder if you could precipitate me into one of those ice-rifts and destroy my frame, the work of your own hands.' there are men who inflict harm on women, and even so, insist that they haven't. its so normal to view that men hurt women (its even portrayed as 'love') which makes many men believe they aren't actually hurting women when they obviously are.

'Shall I respect man when he condemns me?' again, the above point: women are supposed to respect and care for men, even those who have hurt them and put them down.

on the other hand, this could be referring to how abusive parents view their children. we'll work through it again:

'You, my creator, would tear me to pieces in triumph' lots of parents tear down their children, maybe subconsciously, because they grew up with their parents doing the same. the point is that some parents actually delight in putting down their children.

'why I should pity man more that he pities me?' there are many children that grow up and have less contact with parents because of their behaviours, and are labelled as 'heartless' for getting away.

'You would not call it murder if you could precipitate me into one of those ice-rifts and destroy my frame, the work of your own hands.' many parents use hitting as discipline, and see absolutely no problem with it. they wouldn't call it abuse themselves.

'Shall I respect man when he condemns me?' children are always expected to respect a parent, even if the parent is abusive.

* i want to clarify that this is generalizing, and its what went through my brain when reading this line, so i decided to write about it. you don't have to have the same opinion as me. I'm not saying all men act this way, but its so many it is a problem. if this post bothers you, please either let me know respectfully, or just ignore it. thank you.

[shaikzpeare]

12:52 a.m.

I’m terrified of not working. Here I am, staring at my laptop through one eye, face down on my bed. They say sleeping like this can make one eye smaller. How else do you look at an inherently unequal world?

I've been fixated on the word "heart" on my laptop screen, peering through my one open eye (whether it’s smaller or not). It fascinates me more than anything. The heart is so beautiful. I love learning about it and feeling it pump in my body.

I hate that the room light’s on, but I’m too lazy to get out of bed to turn it off. That’s how I handle most things in my life—unbothered, indifferent, I guess.

I care about my eyes but not enough to stop sleeping face down. I’m still staring at the word "heart" on the website of the lab I’m applying to. I don’t understand the mechanisms this lab works on.

Why is it so easy for me to write all this but not understand complex scientific concepts? Every time I write without expectation, it feels easier than publishing a paper for a lab in my prospective future. Is it my insecurity or my gut? Is there a difference?

Are inhibitions self-imposed, like inhibitors in molecular biology? In molecular biology, inhibitors are molecules that bind to enzymes or other proteins, blocking their activity. They prevent certain biochemical reactions, ensuring that processes within cells occur in a controlled manner. Both biological inhibitors and life's inhibitions function as regulators. In biology, inhibitors ensure that cellular processes don't go out of control, much like inhibitions in life keep us from making impulsive or reckless decisions. Yet, an overabundance of inhibitors can stifle essential biochemical processes, just as excessive inhibitions can prevent personal growth and fulfillment.

If I wasn’t meant for this world, why does my brain understand these things? I spoke to a friend today; he thought of the cosmos in terms of energy and time in terms of seconds and physics. I found it fascinating how the same turmoil can be expressed in various ways of science—equally haunting, equally soothing.

I’m still staring at the word “heart” as the screen light turns off. Why does it do that? I realized I know nothing of how a computer works, yet I spend most of my existence on it. Why can’t I think of the world like that? Running on mechanisms I might not comprehend.

I think of beautiful things when I sleep, too lazy to write them down, too scared to lose the comfort they bring. Maybe I should talk out loud and record instead. Sanchu’s sleeping. I’ll wake her up if I speak too loudly. Do we stop listening when we sleep? Will what I say affect her dreams?

I told her I loved her and that she’s the smartest girl I know. I hope that affects her dreams. I hope she’s in a field of flowers in her dreams, a better place than she is physically. The idea of dreams is funny. We all have them. Are all innovations born from dreams? Are all discoveries inherent? Aren’t all inventions just discoveries if the idea already exists?

Did Edison—or was it Tesla—think of broadcasting electrical power without wires in his dream? But it was his DREAM to do so. It's funny how "dreams" can describe both our waking aspirations and the involuntary visions we experience while sleeping, intertwining our conscious desires with the mysteries of our subconscious.

I’ll walk past the downhill and look back at the person who understood me, only to see them disappear behind me. I’m going down.

My laptop’s dead.

[arcplaysgames]

hey who the fuck is that guy and where is FeMC

(i think there is actually a mod to swap FeMC in and I might install that)

ALSO

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WHEN YOU SLEEP ON THE COT IN THE VELVET ROOM

WHO'S FUCKING VOICE IS THAT

anyway

oh man ryuji does it? i guess we should split up and start searching

SO INTERESTINGLY you cannot finish a Palace in a single day because the Treasure will not manifest until you inform the target you are coming after their treasure. Then it takes true form and you can yoink it.

So the motley crue need to send Kamoshida a calling card to inform him they're gonna gank him.

oh okay that's pretty neat that it shows you all you accomplished

oh my god this menu

another thing that should have been translated

Ryuji writes the card and everyone gives him shit for it. I think it's fine, personally. he's a teenager, what do you expect. also I'm glad the newspaper clippings of characters to make a letter is a universal thing lmao.

oh my god the fucking throne room has a boob ceiling. i don't mean to kinkshame and i think everyone's sexuality is their own but once you get to boobs jutting out of the ceiling in your mind palace, maybe you're thinking about sex a lil too much. just a thought.

FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT THEY'D HAVE TO PHYSICALLY CARRY THE HUGE CROWN BACK TO THE SAFE ROOM that'd be funny imo

alas no it's boss time

This is an Adachi-ass argument right here and I like it. The way he turns everyone who was complicit into the Real Villain, that's good stuff.

bruh you gonna turn me sex negative, what are you doing

Oh man I missed grabbing context for this but there was a secret room in the Palace with a fucked up torture shrine to Shiho. so like Princess Ann is Kamoshida's right hand girl, but he had like.... feelings? for shiho? which I guess manifested as her getting the worst of his abuse.

So her cognitive copy shows up to help him and it's supremely messed up and i hate this guy.

Ann faces off with him and has a golden opportunity to kill him, but refrains so he'll confess to his crimes. Which: gorl. Damn. You are strong as hell, I am not certain I would be able to do the same in your shoes. Ann is great.

Taking the treasure, the team gets the fuck out of there but WEIRD THING HAPPENS on the way out.

While the Palace collapses, everyone runs for it, but Morgana turns back into a cat????

HMM

Morgana only kind of knows how the Metaverse works frankly

and it so reminds me of Teddie, who understood for himself how the TV World worked, but didn't really know enough to figure out the broader picture of the real world and TV world interacting.

Morgana is convinced that they're a human and if they do the right thing in the Metaverse, they will regain their lost body and memories.

I am starting to think that's not the case and this is similar to how Teddie grew a humanboy body when he wanted to join the real world. Is Morgana a denizen of the Metaverse who subconsciously decided to grow a cat body to interact with Reverie and co?

Rise and Teddie made it clear there is no such thing as a true self, so I am curious what Morgana determines themself to be.

ANYWAY THAT'S THE FIRST PALACE DONE, WHOO. Now I have, like, 12 days to fuck around and do what I like.

[kitausuret]

Sleepy Dialogue! Going to bed at night number 8: "You're allowed to cuddle me like a teddy bear." for symbiot3. I leave the choice of who is allowed to cuddle the other like a teddy bear up to you <3

I am definitely not replying to this prompt over a month after it was asked, from the sleepy dialogue list. (:

For now, I'll just keep this one on Tumblr since I did manage to keep it pretty short. I kind of cheated and wrote it as a sort of... future-ish part of Dust to Dust because that's the only timeline I've created where I felt the dialogue would be funniest for this prompt. Not to like, semi-spoil my own fic but I've been doing that since 2018 so what else is new.

Title: Say Yes to Cuddling Words: 729 Rating: Teen (for some vague-ish references to the nature of their relationship) Characters/Relationship: Eddie Brock/Flash Thompson/Venom Symbiote Summary: As part of an unorthodox treatment plan aimed at rectifying the damage done to the Venom Symbiote by a prior host, Eddie and Flash find themselves in bed with each other every night. But there are lots of ways to get the neurotransmitters the symbiote needs, and Flash thinks they should try all of them.

“You don’t have to sleep way over there.”

Eddie stiffened. Maybe he could just feign being asleep, and that he hadn’t heard Flash’s quiet words. They hadn’t done anything tonight, just crashed into bed at roughly the same time. Which was fine, their current regimen was working, according to Dr. Steven’s tests. But you could only sleep with someone so many times before they started getting bolder with their commentary.

“Looking at you,” his other helpfully informed him. “Waiting for an answer.”

I’m sleeping.

“Knows you are not.”

With an only slightly-exaggerated sigh, Eddie rolled over to see Flash’s face inches away on the other pillow. “I would be sleeping, if you let me.”

“Uh-huh.” Flash smiled a little in the dark. “Usually you breathe a lot less when you’re actually asleep. Once a minute, at most. And if you really were asleep, symbiote wouldn’t let me wake you up.” 

“What do you want.”

He propped his face up a little using his arm. “Look, I’m just trying to be thoughtful here, Eddie. You clutch the bedding subconsciously. You kind of… cradle the pillow. And, you know, the symbiote,” Flash shrugged, a little awkwardly, “obviously.”

“And the point of these observations is…”

“You’re allowed to cuddle me like a teddy bear.”

Eddie frowned at the description.

“If you want. I’m just saying, I’m not going to like, elbow you in the gut if you do.”

He rubbed his face with a hand tiredly. “Go to sleep, Thomps… Flash.” Still had to remind himself occasionally that they had agreed on first names from here on out. At least while in the apartment. At least while this arrangement was in place. 

Flash, ever-persistent, reached out and drummed his fingers on Eddie’s shoulder. Cool, a little callused. He couldn’t stop the symbiote from reaching tendrils out to meet its former host’s hand. “I’m a pret-ty good cuddler, just saying.” 

“He is.” Fortunately, this time, it didn’t accompany the thought with any foreign memories from its time with him. 

Stop.

“Would be nice, Eddie…”

Why are you trying to encourage this? he asked it, though he didn’t need to. The symbiote was quite familiar with all his memories and habits and every relationship he’d ever been in, however few that number was. But that was them, and this was Flash, and those were not the same thing. 

“I’m perfectly fine giving you space,” Eddie finally said aloud. 

“And I’m pretty sure there are about thirty medical studies out there about the benefits of human contact.”

“We’re not getting enough of that three times a week?”

Flash rolled his eyes. “Listen, try it once. If you like it, if my pal likes it, great. If you hate it, then you can continue sleeping on the edge of the bed and practically fall off of it every night like you normally do.” 

“This is ridiculous.”

“Oh, like it’s more ridiculous than our current situation? Come on.”

The only further protest Eddie could manage was a small grunt as Flash turned himself on his side. Flash then scooted himself up against Eddie’s torso, certainly not small by any definition but a kind of strangely comfortable fit. Then Flash reached around, grabbed Eddie’s arm, and draped it over him.

“I get to be the little spoon tonight, since you’re being an asshole.”

“Please don’t ever use that description again.”

“What, a spoo-oo-oo-oon?” he teased, looking over his shoulder to grin broadly at Eddie. 

It was annoying, he was annoying, but something about the silly delight on his face had Eddie both looking away and glad it was dark in the bedroom. He focused instead on getting comfortable, if Flash was going to insist on this. He positioned his other arm so it wouldn’t fall asleep under the other man’s weight, and settled in with Flash’s back flush against him. After just a couple minutes, he felt Flash’s breathing slow. Even the symbiote had expelled a kind of pleased warmth all through Eddie’s body. What wasn’t still within him, carefully draped over Flash, too, in strands and various amorphous shapes.

It was… nice.

His other caught the stray thought before he could lock it away. It seemed a little bit smug, in response, but mostly endearing. “Knew you would enjoy it.”

It’s tolerable.

Tolerable, right.

Like some small part of Eddie didn’t think he could get used to this.