#maybe i created the dots myself but i connected them

[most-normal-eccles-cake-ignorer]

Good Omens: Lockdown, Aziraphale’s SAD-ASS desk, and how they get to 'Our bookshop' in S2

Welcome to part 2 of me reading reeaally far into the Good Omens: Lockdown video! (part 1 from Crowley's POV here) This post assumes the item choices in the Lockdown visuals are intentional. What follows is going to be my headcanon regardless, but if you're into the Word of God, Lockdown is canon 'If you want it to be.' and I want it to be, sooo checkmate! >;D

Also this is something of a long boi (~13 minute read without following the links >.>), so if you're into unhinged analysis of details and literary references that indicate Aziraphale is in his longing era and want to learn more about author and fave-of-Gaiman, G.K. Chesterton, either get comfy or mark this to read later when you have time!

C: What? A: *somehow surprised even though HE CALLED* A-ah, hello. It's me! C: I know it's you, Aziraphale. A: *regaining composure* Yes, well, just calling to see how you were doing in lockdown.

The video starts with shots of Aziraphale and Crowley's da Vinci sketches (and some sushi remnants)... Babygirl is flipping through the time-goes-too-fast-for-me version of a facebook album, thinking about his crush. vERY chill of him. (also the paper looks new and he's eating on top of them, suggesting these are prints and he has multiple copies of them... sooo normal)

If we look closer at the still of Crowley's portrait, we can see part of the spine of a book that reads Kei- Chesterto-. This is, of course, author Gilbert Keith Chesterton, to whom Neil and Terry (and Crowley) dedicated Good Omens:

The authors would like to join the demon Crowley in dedicating this book to the memory of G. K. Chesterton A man who knew what was going on.

In this post by @azfellandco about Chesterton, you can see a photo of the dedication page and also read the book excerpt where Crowley describes Chesterton as 'the only poet in the twentieth century to even come close to the Truth'.

C: I'm bored. I'm so very very bored - transcendentally bored. There's nothing to do here!

As Crowley is explaining his nap contingency plan, we get a shot of Aziraphale picking up his mug of hot chocolate, then the image below of the 2/3rds gone bottle of Courvoisier cognac (i mean maybe he is baking with it let's not jump to conclusions), and then the stack of books beside a framed woodcut print of witches dancing with devils...

...that I used reverse image search to trace back to page 17 of a book from 1720 called The history of witches and wizards: giving a true account of all their tryals in England, Scotland, Swedeland, France, and New England; with their confession and condemnation.

Interestingly, the text above and below the picture reads:

At their Meeting they have usually Wine, or good Beer, Cakes, Meat, or the like; they Eat and Drink really: When they meet in their Bodies, Dance also, and have Musick...

Beside the framed print of Aziraphale's idea of a really great night out is a stack of books that includes (going from top to bottom):

Homer's The Iliad, Book 2

Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton

Forbidden Rites: A Necromancer's Manual of the Fifteenth Century by Richard Kieckhefer

a book by Hilaire Belloc with no visible title

The Club of Queer Trades by G.K. Chesterton

The Iliad (according to sparknotes) has the following major themes:

....Interesting, ok. Book 2 in particular starts with a god (Zeus) messing with someone (Agamemnon) via a dream that says he will be successful in taking Troy if he launches a full assault, balls to the (city) wall. Agamemnon, who is supposed to be leading the Achaean army to conquer Troy, believes the dream but then in a weird twist decides to test his army and be like 'jk actually I'm giving up and going home' and then is mad when the soldiers are like 'sick, to the boats!' Then Odysseus, who sparknotes tells me is the most eloquent of the Achaeans, gives an impressive speech to inspire the troops and reminds them that they vowed 'that they would not abandon their struggle until the city fell.' ...No way that could worsen Aziraphale's internal conflict about being a bad Angel who thwarted the Great Plan. >.>; Orthodoxy we'll get to in a second.

Then there's Forbidden Rites which is a medieval necromancy guide translated from Latin with added commentary - Aziraphale is perhaps studying occult topics in an attempt to understand Crowley better? And then there's the Hilaire Belloc book on top of the second Chesterton book, a collection of related stories/episodes?, The Club of Queer Trades. The book's Wikipedia page says:

Each story in the collection is centered on a person who is making his living by some novel and extraordinary means. To gain admittance [to the Club of Queer Trades] one must have invented a unique means of earning a living and the subsequent trade being the main source of income.

Aziraphale and Crowley have rather novel/extraordinary jobs and they're both peculiar-queer and gay-queer. Neat. The narrator in the book is named Charlie "Cherub" Swinburne - also neat. >.> He goes on an adventure with his friend, a retired judge and president of the Club of Queer Trades, Basil Grant, (who Oct 2021 GoodReads reviewer Cecily said is "described as mad, mystical, and a poet, with almost no friends, but who “would talk to any one anywhere”) and Basil's younger brother, a private detective named Inspector Constable Rupert Grant. The last line of the book is:

Thus our epic ended where it had begun, like a true cycle. (something something "It starts, as it will end, with a garden.")

Anyway, the Belloc book and The Club of Queer Trades are placed back to back in such a way that they almost look like they could be one book with two different aesthetics, or... two halves of a pantomime beast?! (stay with me I needed a segue)

Belloc and Chesterton have what is essentially a ship name:

It was coined by George Bernard Shaw (if you are like me and didn't know why you've heard of him: he wrote, among other things, Pygmalion, which was adapted into My Fair Lady). Shaw apparently liked to gossip about Belloc and Chesterton with H.G. Wells (again if you're uncultured like me: he wrote, among other science fiction-y things, The War of the Worlds).

In the Feb 15, 1908 issue of The New Age newspaper, Shaw said:

He continued:

"Chesterton and Belloc are so unlike that they get frightfully into one another’s way. ... They are unlike in everything except the specific literary genius and delight in play-acting that is common to them, and that threw them into one another’s arms.”

Shaw says Belloc is 'a bit of a rowdy', and 'cannot bear isolation'. Hmm. Then he says Chesterton is 'friendly, easy-going, unaffected, gentle, magnanimous, and genuinely democratic'. HMM.

“They share one failing—almost the only specific trait they have in common except their literary talent. That failing is, I grieve to say, addiction to the pleasures of the table.”

Ok ok I think we can see where this is going.

(^ from Staged S3E6)

Now, someone did ask Neil Gaiman about this similarity, and he said the Lockdown video was filmed by Rob Wilkins in Terry Pratchett's library, and that he suspects 'Belloc is there because he was on Terry's shelves beside Chesterton.' And it MAY VERY WELL BE that NONE (0) of the book titles are meant in any way other than 'these are books from Sir Pratchett's library that looked nice on camera and ofc we wanted some Chesterton refs and maybe some demon-y stuff for Crowley' but that is WAY less fun so I am choosing to take them as intentional: these are books Aziraphale is actually reading (along with the sushi and many cakes he is actually eating). Let's put ourselves in Aziraphale's shoes and try to imagine how it would be to read this stuff during lockdown while you pine for a demon with slinky hips after you got in big trouble at work for Armageddoff (and work happens to have defined your worldview and general purpose in life).

C: welll... ngk then people might follow my bad example and get ill. Or even die—

As Crowley acknowledges that he ought to be out making peoples' lives worse, we see Orthodoxy by Chesterton open on the desk.

Orthodoxy is described as a ‘spiritual autobiography’ and is considered a classic of Christian apologetics, i.e. the religious discipline of defending religious doctrines (in this case, Catholic) through systematic argumentation and discourse. Wikipedia also says Chesterton's The Everlasting Man contributed to C.S. Lewis' conversion to Christianity, so overall it sounds like he must've been fairly convincing. (and so maybe reading it also poked at that work-related-but-religious-trauma-adjacent stuff Aziraphale has going on?)

You can read Orthodoxy (and probably any of the books I mention bc theyre all old) on project gutenberg but I will include this part of what is shown on the righthand page bc it just reminds me (and so probably Azirapalala as well) of a certain angel squeaking happily at a nebula:

"I felt economical about the stars as if they were sapphires (they are called so in Milton's Eden): I hoarded the hills. For the universe is a single jewel, and while it is a natural cant to talk of a jewel as peerless and priceless, of this jewel it is literally true. This cosmos is indeed without peer and without price: for there cannot be another one."

Ok great, so Aziraphale is diving into the works of one of Crowley's favorite authors bc he misses him, that's cute. What else? Oh he already wrote him a letter right before calling - THE WICK ON THE WAX STICK FOR THE SEAL IS STILL SMOKING. sO CASUAL asdashgfjds

something something 'either call on the phone and talk, or appear mysteriously; don't do both'

When Aziraphale gets to 'I've never had so few customers, not in two hundred years!' We get a close up of this glass of cognac with droplets still on the side — I take back what I said about baking, Aziraphale is drinking it~

He's not drinking a wine, eg Châteauneuf-du-pape, which would be ~14% alcohol by volume (ABV), or a sherry (15-20% ABV); he is drinking Courvoisier cognac, a hard liquor (40% ABV). Crowley's Talisker whisky is 48.5% while we are on the topic. This is stronger than what Aziraphale usually drinks which means... he could be a bit tipsy.

As Aziraphale starts talking about the would-be cash-box burglary, we get this wide shot of the desk:

In the top left hand corner, we see two stacks of books, most (all?) of which appear to be Chesterton when I zoom in. Some of them have Chesterton's name visible on them, others have the publisher name 'Darwen Finlayson' on them, which according to my googling is a house that published several of Chesterton's works. If Chesterton was truly 'a man who knew what was going on', then perhaps this is Aziraphale seeking not just to feel closer to Crowley, but also to make sense of the warring ideas in his mind. Interestingly, Chesterton has also been described as 'The Eccentric Prince of Paradox'.

C: *clearly amused* Did you smite them with your wroth?

The screen then shows two occult-y books and a flickering candle (lower left image). Then Aziraphale explains about his cake~, and as Crowley cuts him off because he's about to nervously ask to come over bc he is so so lonely & down bad for a certain angelic bookworm, we see a map of Oxfordshire on top of Pilgrim's Progress (lower right image).

The two books beside the candle are Satanism and Witchcraft (presumably the 1862 book by Jules Michelet that comes up when I search the title), and another called Magic: An Occult Primer.

Satanism and Witchcraft is described on Wikipedia as 'notable for being one of the first sympathetic histories of witchcraft' and says 'Michelet was one of the first few people to attempt to show the sociological explanation of the Witch Trials.’ Sympathy for people who like to eat/drink/dance with demons, if you will?

Magic: An Occult Primer is a 1972 book by David Conway, a Welsh (CACHU HWCH!) magus and is described as 'a seminal work that brought magical training to the every-magician'. It also includes an appendix called The Occult Who's Who, which is somewhat reminiscent of Hastur's Furfur's book about angels. In Chapter 11: A Word About Demons, it says in regard to summoning them:

"Assuming that the form has turned up in the right place, it will soon begin to act and talk in a very friendly manner; do not forget, however, that its winning ways conceal a sinister intention-- namely, to get the adept out of the circle, and into its clutches.”

...okay?? Aziraphale's desk has a flickering candle on it throughout the video, and we get a close up of the flame when Crowley offers to slither over:

and just like that, Aziraphale has summoned a demon~~

Naturally, he freaks out:

A: *panicking*Oh I— I— I— I— I'm afraid that would be Breaking All The Rules! *nervous breathing* Out of the question! I'll see you… when this is over.

But why? Isn't this what he wanted? Let's go back to the Pilgrim's Progress shot from right before the successful demon summoning and zoom in:

In a similar vein to Orthodoxy, Pilgrim's Progress, by John Bunyan, is an allegorical Puritan conversion narrative. Christian is the main character / stand in for anyone who wants to be in the allegory and Hopeful is well, hopeful, from what I gather. A slightly larger continuous excerpt is here for the curious, but here are some bits I thought were especially interesting in the part of the book shown above:

Christian: Why, what was it that brought your sins to mind again? Hopeful: Many things; as, If I did but meet a good man in the streets; or, If I have heard any read in the Bible; or, If mine head did begin to ache; or, If I were told that some of my neighbors were sick; or, If I heard the bell toll for some that were dead; or, If I thought of dying myself; or, If I heard that sudden death happened to others; But especially when I thought of myself that I must quickly come to judgment.

Perhaps the pandemic is bringing Aziraphale's "sins" to mind again, on top of the whole choosing faces thing to avoid 'quickly coming to judgment'. And then:

Hopeful: I thought I must endeavor to mend my life; for else, thought I, I am sure to be lost forever. Christian: And did you endeavor to mend? Hopeful: Yes, and fled from not only my sins, but sinful company too, and betook me to religious duties, as praying, reading, weeping for sin, speaking truth to my neighbors, etc.

UM??? While I can't say about the praying or weeping for sin, he has definitely been reading and the whole 'giving a good talking to' the burglars could be 'speaking truth to [the] neighbors'...?

Anyway to recap:

Aziraphale has been poring over books about dark magic and demons as well as a ton of books by an author that Crowley loves and who formed a partnership w a very different person in a sort of yin-yang, pantomime beast situation

He has been looking at pictures that remind him of their fun times w Leo in Florence and eating sushi and cake cake cake (and forgiving sinners) and drinking hot chocolate and cognac trying to fill a void but now he's tipsy so he wrote Crowley a letter, stamped it with a wax seal and then thought 'I should call her' BUT

His recent brush with attempted death penalties, the death toll of the pandemic, and some of the religious books he was reading have also filled him with guilt/fear over disobeying Heaven, who he knows could still be watching him and Crowley, so he feels much more conflicted than usual AND

He probably has some inkling that he wants to go ape shit on that ox rib if it comes over to hang out (lol editing to add bc i remembered ox rib discourse: ape shit in an emotional way! whether you hc them as ace or not I just think he really likes him and I’m using ox ribs as a stand in for general forbidden joy/love, not specifically sexy stuff)

So he has to say no.

Anything else might cause him to spontaneously discorporate into a plume of pining and cognitively dissonant gay smoke, which may be all well and good if you only think there's a God, but if you KNOW it and the angels are absolutely recording you and Heaven just tried to kill you and your wife colleague, it's... kind of a big deal.

C: Right. gnnehh. I'm setting the alarm clock for July. Good night, angel. *dial tone*

We don't get to hear Aziraphale's response, but besties you and I both know he is not feeling tickety-boo. He spent like a month putting off calling Crowley (UK lockdowns started end of March, the call is at the beginning of May), finally got drunk and said what the Hell, it'll just be a fun flirty chat in between his temptations, and then it turned out Crowley was depressed and not going anywhere and Aziraphale made him even sadder. And then it got worse because it wasn't all over in July, or in October, even.

I think Aziraphale ends up with a lot of time and brain space in which to think about how Orthodoxy and Pilgrim's Progress were only written to guide *mortals* and how it really wouldn't be so bad if he spent more time with Crowley, would it? Heaven hasn't reached out in actual years again, things feel safer. Crowley is essentially Good and spending time with him would be sort of ministering to the downtrodden and afflicted, and Aziraphale does miss reporting his good deeds (lol you know, whatever rationalizations you need to get you there).

More than anything, he thinks about how hollow everything feels without Crowley; how no mouthful of food or drink tastes as satisfying in his absence because it wasn't ever just about the 'gross matter'...

So when lockdowns end, Aziraphale begins to summon his demon again, but this time with much less inner struggling. It all comes so naturally, when you let it. By the beginning of Season 2 in 2023, they seem delightfully comfortable with their shared routines and places (see also this lovely post by @nightgoodomens). Our car. Our bookshop.

Aziraphale might take longer to catch up, but he does get there.

(SHHH DON'T THINK ABOUT EPISODE 6! STOP! I'M HANGING UP!)

“The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.” ― G.K. Chesterton

[koolades-world]

making a part two for my solomon birthmark fic because i was already tempted and 1 (one) person agreed with me lol. shoutout to my birthmark twin @mahi-does-obey-me. i know i said i'd post something else today but the temptation was too great. i worked on this instead of doing my data analysis for my lab lmao <3

part of this was partially inspired by me actually missing a couple birthmarks on myself because I just forgot, or didn’t know they were there until like yesterday lol. just like before, leans suggestive (more so than part 1 i think) but it's very cute. this is probably the raunchiest i'll be getting for a while lol. i feel like i really cooked with this

faded scar

"I don't know about you, but I'm starving." Solomon stretched his arms high above his head. His muscles gleaned with sweat, highlighting his surprisingly toned torso. He scooted to the edge of his bed, and swung his legs onto the ground.

"Can it wait just a few more minutes?" Despite being tired, you sat up and leaned against his back. You threw one arm over his shoulder, and the other was braced against him.

"It can. We can just order in instead." He reached for his D.D.D.

"You were planning on cooking?" You raised an eyebrow.

"I thought it would be cute to present you with a home cooked meal. Because I love you."

"That's alright. You do enough already." You laughed at that thought. You were glad he was deterred from cooking so easily today. You'd like your house to not be set on fire today.

"What do you want for dinner?" You peaked over his shoulder at his screen.

"Can we get Italian please? From my favorite place?" You fluttered your eyelashes at him when he glanced over at you. It worked every time, although you knew you didn't need that extra convincing.

"Of course, my love." He'd do anything you asked him, regardless if that was ordering your favorite food, or abandon the exchange program. It was funny how that worked; a demon started this in order to bring the three realms closer, and as a result, he just brought two humans together that could pose a real threat to what he'd created.

'You're the best!" You pressed a kiss on the back of his neck. He already knew exactly what you wanted, so no more words needed to be said. You studied his back profile. It was littered with countless old scars and pact markings. It clearly displayed the long life he'd lived.

“Sorry about these.” You traced your fingers over the angry red scratches on his back that were beginning to puff up.

“I’ll wear them like the badges of honor they are.” Solomon chuckled.

"You can't do that! The others are going to see." The idea of everyone seeing the marks and connecting the dots mortified you.

"That's not what you said when you gave those to me." He remarked. You smacked his back in response.

"Solomon!" You squealed.

"I can't promise anything." He held the hand that was dangling over his shoulder and kissed it. "Food will be here in about half an hour." He set his phone back down, but he didn't move. He let out a deep breath, and relaxed his back muscles. You watched as the tension left his body.

Neither of you spoke, and instead, you charted each and every mark on his back with your finger. In this searching, you found a line of birthmark down his back. It wasn't very neat, but it followed a pattern, starting at the base of his neck and ending at his hips. Maybe it was a result of all of the magic he'd done over the years, since you'd gathered he didn't know he had them.

"You didn't tell me you had so many birthmarks on your back." As you drew a line from the first to the last mark, a shudder wracked through his entire body.

"And you didn't tell me you had a birthmark on the front of your shoulder, and under your lip." You could hear the smile in his voice.

"I do?" You placed your head on his shoulder, to which he gently thumbed the spot where it must've been.

"How'd you notice that?" You reached up to touch the spot for yourself, not sure what you were expecting to feel.

"The same way you noticed mine. I did a lot of staring at your face for little while." Solomon admitted.

"You stared a lot of other placed too." You playfully rolled your eyes. You went back to staring at his back. You could only think of doing one thing to return the favor of what he'd done for you.

Carefully, starting at his neck, you kissed each and every birthmark, making sure to linger just long enough to make him itch for more. He let out a shaky breath, and seemed like he was suppressing another shudder. You giggled, but didn't stop. "Just remember, food will be here soon." You reminded him of the order he'd placed.

"You're the worst." He sharply inhaled.

"Love you too, baby." You played with the wisps of hairs at the nape of his neck. He squeezed your free hand a couple times, but made no move to stop you. Once you'd made it to the last birthmark, you lingered for a moment, letting your breath fan out over his lower back.

Solomon let out a gasp of what you could only describe as frustration. He threw his legs back up onto the bed, and laid down on his back, yanking the covers over himself. You stifled laughter and draped yourself over his torso. He gave you a peck where he'd pointed out your new birthmark, before letting you settle into him. He checked his D.D.D. quickly for the time.

"We still have twenty more minutes before food gets here." He let you know.

"So that means we have nineteen more minutes of cuddling." You hummed.

"We have fifteen more minutes of cuddling. I need time to put clothes on, dear." You grumbled at his response. You didn't verbally answer, but you knew you could get your nineteen minutes of cuddling whether he liked it or not.

The activities of the day had begun to catch up to you, and you felt your eyelids begin to droop. A couple times, you felt yourself falling asleep, and shook yourself awake, much to Solomon's amusement. You weren't sure how much time had passed before he spoke to you again.

“I think love is being by your side.”

“Huh?” You mumbled, already half asleep.

“When we first met, you ask me what I thought love was. I never answered you.”

“You’re adorable.” You planted a kiss on his neck, since your face was already buried in it.

You were glad you’d chosen him.

[princessamericachavez]

I still can’t believe how unhinged the couch thing is.

In s5 we see that Taylor brings her couch into the loft even though Buck has one and they have a problem from the get go because both couches (aka their personalities, their lives, their wants) do not fit in at the same time. They are both too attached to their own individual lives and goals to actually share a life. There’s no space for both of them in that home.

Ok anyway moving on Taylor is gone and we have an empty space where she forced her couch into Buck’s space.

Anyway, my point is: 6x1 we have the whole couch conversation and it’s always been such an OBVIOUS metaphor for Buck and Eddie’s relationship that it drives me insane.

“You know, I think it’s weird that he’s struggling to pick a replacement when he has so many excellent options right under his nose.”

“Like you?”

“It’s like he’s choosing not to see them and everything they have to offer.”

In the same season where we now know that Eddie will be exploring his dating options and going out with other people?????? Are you kidding me???????????

Buck saying this while he cooks for Eddie and Chris???? While he offers food and comfort??? In a show that has consistently utilized cooking and feeding others as a clear metaphor for love and family?!?!

And they even hammer it in again!!!

“What are you offering?”

“Right now, Bobby’s famous lasagna.”

I need to talk about thisssss. Because not only have we been presented with the idea of food as love and nurturing but also cooking as personal growth, about learning to nurture yourself and others and getting out of the darkness. Think about Bobby after joining the 118. But also think about Maddie being impressed by Buck “growing up” represented by Buck having learned cooking skills from Bobby. Think about Eddie going to therapy and swapping recipes with Linda and learning to be better and look after himself after getting chewed off by his dad for burning breakfast for his mom and sisters.

What Buck is offering is his own growth as a person. Is saying “I’ve put myself back together”. It’s saying “I’ve been working on myself for five years to become a better man”. It’s saying “it’s taken me several tries but I’m finally getting there.”

And of course after all that it’s when we go fully into the couch metaphor. It’s hard to say much about this dialogue that hasn’t been said before, but mostly I want to highlight that, for Buck, this metaphor is tightly tied to romantic relationships. “My last two couches came with girlfriends” and “maybe I don’t want to pick the wrong couch again”. But it’s also the fact that Buck picks his chair to take the couch’s spot for now. That is Buck. Buck being single.

The whole metaphor could’ve simply been about Buck realizing he doesn’t need a relationship to define him and who he is and that he should choose his own path and create a space in his home for himself. But if that was the case he would’ve just bought a couch for himself. The single chair represents his single path at the moment. The couch will be a romantic metaphor.

All of this to say that it’s absolutely unhinged that this is the last shot of Eddie we see in 6a.

And this comes after a) Buck called to give them the baby news, b) Eddie looked less than pleased at the reveal, c) Eddie hung up saying he was gonna try to get some sleep before taking Chris to school.

Except we see him drop the controller here. So he clearly kept playing. Even though he looked quite frustrated there. Fighting with himself. Anyway clearly something was bothering him.

What’s insane to me is that we cut immediately from this shot to Buck sleeping and the whole baby onesie shot. And I don’t think it could be any more obvious that we are meant to connect these two dots. Especially when we see them in the same montage as Henren and Maddnie sleeping together on their respective beds. And we know Buck’s whole donor thing was partly motivated by other things, like his need to be useful to others and save everyone, but also his eternal search for family and perhaps a call to fatherhood (even though he’s clearly not struggling with separating the idea as everyone expected).

Anyway, I do think having Eddie sleep on his couch rather than his bed was certainly A CHOICE. and it feels even more obvious when we know what happens in 6b.

I love that the Buckley’s brought up Buck’s lack of couch an episode before. HEY REMEMBER THIS? And it’s so much A Thing that we see that even Maddie gets it.

Which is so important considering the very. next. episode. we are going to get the most obvious callback to this metaphor in the shape of Buck finally finding rest and peace at Eddie’s couch?!?!?!

THEY ARE SO UNHINGED FOR THIS

And then they go as far as to have Buck point out “how did I pass out so fast?”

Like boyyyyyy you’re this 🤏🏽 close to figuring it out!!!!!!!

Anyway I cannot WAIT to see how they bring it up again and how Margaret’s couch finds its demise and especially knowing Buck’s very last scene of the season will touch back on the metaphor.

It will be so insane if they actually pull this off!!!!!!!

[austinsastrology8991]

* DEGREE THEORY * and more...

this is just a theory, I love all degree theories and this is just my spin on the degree interpretations

Okay so I love the connotations towards Aries being 1°13°25° and that making the planet/point being aggressive and brash, and Taurus 2°14°26° making them more stable and growing into their power as time goes on, and so on with the rest of the signs; it makes good sense and I love reading the interpretations assigned to the signs inherent values. But I got a theory so Ive been connotating these degrees to the Tarot Card meanings, and well let me just go ahead and explain myself: 1° = The Magician - Represents creation, willpower, skills, but also negatively; cunning, vanity, or latent talents. > Now in comparison to the normal aries degrees - to me there are lots of similarities, aries is the starter - alike the magician - and they are both very aggressive in the attainment of their goals, which leads to vanity and well 'latent talents' from the lack of foresight. But on the positive they have plentyful amounts of willpower and are able to create things out of thin air since they have little foresight of potential consequences. 2° = the High Priestess - Represents Intuition, subconscious mind, spirituality, secret knowledge. but negatively; lack of self control, withdrawal, lack of self trust. These once again to me at least coincide with a lot of the taurus qualities > self control, self trust, withdrawal... Now i know you def could say its a lot like Pisces but I have a good counter. Look at the hanged man > Surrender, new perspectives, letting go... this is more in line with Pisces than the high priestess actually. Because the high priestess wants you to connect with YOUR higher power, the hanged man would rather you let go of your ego and connect the dots of the world around. But i digress. Also the connection between Taurus and Pisces is undeniable. Now im gonna switch what im sayin a bit but hear me out. > If you have a Pisces ascendant > aries is in your 2nd house (taurus) and we all know aries is something your constantly pursuing and are aggressive in the pursuit. Now if you have a Taurus ascendant > aries in the 12th house (pisces) you are aggresively trying to understand others because you have such a good understanding of yourself maybe learning from others would teach you even more (not to mention gemini in the 2nd... but i digress) okay so i understand this is a lot of information and maybe a little hard to digest so im not going to make it too long. But i have so many other theories and im just testing this post out to see how it is received. I could have gone on about each of the tarot card meanings, but i dont want to waste my time if it isnt going to be received well. However I do in my own spare time constnatly evaluate certain degrees with the connotated tarot cards... Like for example 8° is scorpio - power, mystery, intrigue, and well thats paired with the strength card... I mean im just saying i truly do believe there to be a strong connection between, tarot, astrology and well numerology also, i just wish we treated all the occults as the same subject - the occult because we are all just trying to discover secrets given from higher powers, so why we gotta act like they all cannot be correlated? also we've gone so backwards with our understanding of the occult > those witches back in the day just imagine what they all knew about the occult. and we are just over here trying to tell each other how sexy we are because we have leo and roar loudly or because you have scorpio you are sexy because you have a stinger.... like honestly sometimes i want yall to grow up.... ANYWAY i jumped around too much to be coherent, but well im just speaking my mind and yeah you let me know if this did something to your brain or if you fell asleep and want to be told that your a sexy demon seductress again...

[sleeplessgreaser]

Chapped Lips and Chewed Fingertips

pairing: Johnny x Dally word count: 1,103 warnings: mentions of blood and bruises

Original: #1 Johnny has a terrible habit of picking at his chapped lips and fingernails, and Dally has put it upon himself to Make Him Quit It - this has led to him having to pay more attention to Johnny's hands and lips and sometimes he just can't help but to zone out while staring at them.

Johnny always had chapped lips. He either spent too much time outside or didn't drink enough water (or maybe it was both). The problem, though, wasn't that they were chapped, it was that Johnny would pick at them. He told Dally that it was just a bad habit, and he couldn't help it. Sometimes he picked at a specific spot that was bugging him, a crack that was just raised enough to be annoying, and other times he did it without thinking. It was because of his nerves really.

Dally hadn't really paid it much attention until after they got together. Before then he'd only ever noticed it when they'd share a cigarette, and Johnny would pass it back with a fresh blot of red on the filter. Now though, it bothered him. Johnny's lips were pretty when they weren't all dry and cracked, sometimes they'd even be soft; that is if Dal harped on him about using chapstick for a week straight.

"Doesn't it bother you?" He'd asked him. "Don't they hurt?"

"Hm?" Johnny looked at him with that innocent expression, the one he never knew he was making.

"Your lips," Dally said, reaching forward to run a thumb over them. "Don't they hurt?"

"Naw, usually I can't really tell. If anything my fingers hurt more," he said lightheartedly as he looked down at his hands.

When Johnny wasn't picking at his lips he was biting at his nails. They were always gnawed short, and when he didn't have enough nail to bite at he opted to chew at the skin there instead. The skin at the corners of his fingernails was usually raw from where his teeth had ripped and tugged at it. Sometimes he'd even manage to give himself hangnails because of it, and then his fingers would sting for a week.

Dally held Johnny's hand, his fingers grazing over his knuckles as he examined them. Johnny watched him do this, as if he couldn't understand what was wrong with these habits of his.

"It ain't that bad, 's not like I'm really hurtin' myself, " Johnny said with a laugh. "Hell, you know smokin' is worse anyways."

Dally smiled when he looked back up at him. It annoyed him that Johnny couldn't help but "ruin" some of the most beautiful parts of his body - his sweet lips and delicate fingers - but glory, was it hard to stay mad at him.

After that Dally had decided to make it his job to get Johnny to quit. He'd make Johnny use his chapstick whenever he "forgot" to bring his own, he'd offer him a weed if he started absently chewing on his bottom lip, and he'd pay close attention whenever Johnny's hands even got close to his mouth. Of course they weren't together every second of the day so Johnny's habits persisted whenever Dally wasn't around, but over time they at least got a little better.

He had spent a lot of time staring at Johnny's fingers and involuntarily memorizing every imperfection and freckle that decorated the backs of his hands. One night they got high and Johnny let him map out the freckles on his hands and arms with a pen, and then they made up stupid names for the "constellations" he created. When Johnny convinced Dally to let him do the same on his arms he immediately found a way to draw a penis using Dal's much more numerous freckles as connect-the-dots; which led to him playfully pulling Johnny into a head-lock. Of course later they had to spend 20 minutes at the bathroom sink, messing with each other while trying to scrub the ink off their arms.

The other thing Dally spent a lot of time doing was staring at Johnny's lips. His bottom lip would have small flecked bruises in spots Johnny just couldn't leave alone, and sometimes they'd get puffy from where he'd chew on the inside of his lip. They didn't crack too often, but when they did Dal would end up glaring at them, knowing that Johnny would only make them worse. They'd split open sometimes when they kissed but Johnny would never react to it, and Dally wouldn't notice until he'd start tasting blood.

There was one day, when they were out with the gang, Dally noticed Johnny had been chewing on his bottom lip incessantly. Every time he looked over at him he had a tooth dug into it like a staple in a stack of paper. Of course he tried not to call him out on that kind of thing in front of the others, so he waited until he could pull him aside.

"Would'ya quit that? You're gonna dig a hole into your skin," Dally said as he grabbed Johnny's jaw and pried his lip out from under his tooth. It was swollen and red, and the crack in it was clearly irritated. "The hell are you even doin', are you tryna make it worse?"

Johnny looked away with his brow furrowed, and an embarrassed blush had started to creep into his cheeks. Of course as soon as Dallas had let go of him he went back to chewing on it.

"Johnny, quit it!" Dally grabbed his chin again and held it tight, yanking it so he'd face him again.

Johnny's eyes avoided his, and Dally sighed, loosening his grip a bit.

"I ain't tryna make it worse, it just- iunno, it's just buggin' me," Johnny mumbled.

"What, does it hurt?"

"Well, yeah, but it's not- it's just-- iunno, I guess it just kinda itches? But not, like, actually. It just- it feels better when I bite it."

Dallas stared at him with a skeptical look. "Wouldn't it hurt more if you bit it?"

"Well, yeah… kinda," Johnny looked down at the ground.

"So it hurts, but it feels… good?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth Dally immediately purged the idea from his mind, knowing that if he thought about it too long he'd get stuck on it. "Well, knock it off. It ain't gonna heal right if you keep messin' with it."

"Yeah, yeah," Johnny grumbled, pulling himself out of Dally's grasp.

Sometimes, if Dally stared long enough, he'd get lost in thought looking at Johnny's lips or fingers. It was a dangerous game to play, with how often his thoughts lead him down a homoerotic rabbithole, but he couldn't help it. He had to keep a close eye on him, so that Johnny wouldn't pick or chew at them - at least, that's what he told himself: It was for Johnny's sake.

[senkusphone]

Dr. Stone chapter 3D trivia post

Hello, um. I hope yall had a pleasant solstice celebration of your choice- I've been pondering whether what we just saw merits a triva post, but let's try to squeeze some for the sake of completion, shall we?

Check out also my trivia posts for chapters 1D and 2D.

They're the same picture.

It took me way too long to notice what was off in this cover, it seems to be nothing but an aesthetic choice. Other than these off colors, this specific suika melon design first appeared during the Treasure island arc, right after Ryusui punted her off the Perseus.

To directly quote what I wrote at one time on the wiki:

Too bad, the ship Chelsea shows up in is not the Perseus D. Monkey from chapter 214 (which itself is a One Piece reference, as Boichi is a big fan).

Interesting that we get a nearly identical shot, instead of Kohaku standing behind her, it's Ruri and Matsukaze.

This posture done my Matsukaze is called Namaste (with other names such as Namaskar), which is used both as a greeting and as an indication of reverence all over the southern parts of Asia, along with other similar gestures. I know this is familiar to many myself included but I had never looked into the deeper details until now.

Figurines showing this pose have been excavated from the Indus valley civilization dating to between 2700 and 2100 BCE, making this piece of cultural heritage at least 7800 years old by the time of this panel.

Xeno has clearly had his hand in the architecture of the Japan side of the KoS, with some new constructions resembling his own Evil Disneyland back home.

Hold back yer tears

Kaseki has lived well. It's hard to tell how old he is now, he lived longer than the timeline's consistency thats for sure, I blame time travel.

At the time Taiju got wed, he was around 70 years old.

Kaseki and Chrome go back way further than the KoS, the fanbook tells us that Kaseki helped Chrome build his shed when he was just a boy.

Feel your heart a bit shakey? hang on there, we now get to talk about whyman's sorrow, and a small observation that I've made

Whyman can have emotions, the circuits that process that can be switched on and off, but the fact that a message can, or needs to be "left" for themselves, as well as his farewell for all eternity, has an interesting implication: once switched off, whyman loses the recollection of any experience they had in the meantime. These circuits allow whyman to feel, and also to then forget. This is useful, as emotions help them survive, but forgetting prevents the emotional baggage from growing infinitely over a virtually immortal life.

"If we remembered every single parting person, it would only be a few generations before the sorrow would pile up to the point it became unbearable. Maybe it is a blessing to forget. Forgetting allows us to get even. Forget sorrows as new ones replace them. Life can go on, if tragically. No accumulating loss that would one day make everyone struggle to survive and eventually pass on; though that last thing does also sound very much like today."

(10B points to the ~2 people who know where this quote is from, I digress)

So that's cool, and heartbreaking, but so what, does it connect to anything we've seen before?

Well...

In ch. 232 we see that Whyman does not know what created them.

How could that be, if they can remember things over deep time?

Maybe it is that Whyman chose to forget their creators, and everything they felt about them. Beings that they may even have loved in the deep deep past, and could not cope with yearning for.

The blonde, bangs & ponytail lineage.

The village graveyard. Last time we saw it, Byakuya's gravestone was opened to reveal the glass record.

A lot of recognizable headstones are still up now, some appear to have moved.

Other headstones might be gone or be different... The one with four dots that was there originally can't be seen in this new shot but it can be seen later in the chapter.

Also, I hate to break this to you, but there's more headstones now than there were before.

I counted 45 in the original shot, 50 in the new one, not including any that Chelsea and Senku may be covering. Granted this is likely just an oversight.

(I should mention that in order for them to match bottom to bottom, the top image is flipped horizontally).

(omg look at the babiesss)

What Xeno is telling Chrome is that if whyman went and altered their own past, then what they are seeing currently is the result of that, since whatever changes they made, are in the past after all.

They already happened and they are part of the timeline that leads them to where they are now.

Assuming they actually found Byakuya (or a petrified time traveler) means that either whyman created some sort of causal loop that is self sustaining (ie, the ramifications of the changes in the past include whyman going back to do them in the first place), or more in line with the many worlds hypothesis, that going back to the past and changing it creates a new parallel timeline where the repercussions of that happen, with no effect in the first one.

In the latter case it means the timeline we see now was altered by the whyman from a parallel universe.

The stone axe is a bit dissonant with where they are, technologically speaking, yes? Thing is, that's the one Senku took to the moon with him.

He's had it since chapter 1.

A few people I've seen mystified about this structure they unearthed at the cementery:

This is a collapsed building just like the structures that the Tsukasa empire occupied.

(shoutout to that guy about to die in the back)

Interestingly, this means that Ishigami Village is established on top of a once urban area.

I am always pumped for any extra bits of village lore I can get.

Did Suika's handwriting trigger your AI generated image senses? it did for me.

We were bamboozled again. If it ends up happening it's gonna be like the tale of the wolf. The moment we stop taking it seriously, Inagaki is gonna smack us across the head with it.

We were actually preparing for the poop on a stick to hit the f.a.a.n on discord. What do I make about the ending? I don't know, I got no big analysis this time around but I believe it's very likely we'll see more at some point.

[lyxvija]

For lovely Anon! 💚

First, sorry this took me longer, but I couldn't contain myself again and went overboard. The relationship HCs are a bit random since there are so so many to talk about D:

Anywayyy here we go! (It is the middle of the night, I am tired and if I were to proofread it would take me so much longer so: warning for errors)

Infos about the Three One Shots, Relationship HCs and Extra of Big Bug Boyfriend One Shot 2

Infos

The three One Shots were inspired by me simping with mutuals and writing:

Getting licked by big bug Mam affectionately

Getting licked by big bug Mam frighteningly

Getting licked by big bug Mam lewdly

Since it still takes some time (Ahhhh wayyy tooo muuuch) to write Mammon in his monster form in Finders Keepers, I decided to write these three little unrelated One Shots with a gender-neutral reader. At first I wanted to make em afab!reader/Mammon, but thought it´s totally possible to write them gender-neutral so everyone not into fem!reader can enjoy some Mam content too.

The three OS can be seen as having the same reader or being unrelated. I didn't have any specific background story in mind, so people can insert their own characters better. :3

(It does have potential to become a more lose less plot intense Fanfic, but I am kinda tied to the two Mammon fic, future two Mammon fics, and my stories from other fandoms.)

................................................................................................

My HCs about Mammon x Reader (very much the same as FK, but the plot influences the dynamic pretty much, so it takes very long to get to a relationship basis. Tbh it really depends on the backstory of Mammon and Reader, but for BBBf I have chosen a healthy basis.)

Mammon is Aro Ace. Yep! The big spooder boy doesn't crave any romantic bonds nor does he need sex. Mammon likes sex for fun but could go without it for centuries if he is really invested in another project. (Like him inventing the concept of casinos had him hooked for centuries that sex was the last thing on his mind)

So when reader/you came along and at one point fell for you he was more than overwhelmed on what to do. Every approach and interaction would either be kinda out of instinct OR motivated by his Greed to get you to be his.

(Remember: Aro and Ace are a spectrum. It doesn't mean peeps can't have relationships or don´t want sex!)

- Dating Mammon:

It can be either heaven or hell. Depending on how you two get together! If he gets attached to you, he´d become very clingy, show off and you better say goodbye to your personal space. Honestly, he doesn't even realize he is overstepping all the time. He rarely questions why he wants something or why he wants to hold you all the time or fidget with parts of your body with his four greedy hands. Mammon is a ruler of hell, so he doesn't give a shit how people perceive him. As long as it does not impact sales, he couldn't care less.

As long as he doesn't recognize these aching feelings as having a crush on you, he'd never initiate anything similar to dating behavior. The big spooder man would do anything to keep you close, keep others off you, and just follow what his heart tells him to do to keep on having these fluffy feelings in his chest. Maybe you´d have to help him connect the dots.

Mam is not that dumb but misses many things cause his brain is solely focused on chasing the high of his Sin. It is like an addiction. Basically, as soon as he catches feelings for you, his Greed would also get involved and get more intense (worse) over time.

With or without your help, as soon as he is aware that he is infected with what people call “love” he´d start trying to impress you… with his influence, he can create various situations to get you into a “romantic” setting. (whatever he sees as romantic)

Mammon´s love language/ How he shows affection:

Possessiveness. Yes, you read right. Possessing things is the best feeling in the world for him. So getting you into his web would be his number one priority. Doesn't sound very loving or safe, cause it isn't. Greed is a Sin and it WILL influence your relationship. It's destructive. He hates to share you and wants all of you for himself. Depending on how well you are able to maneuver through his manipulation tactics and if you are headstrong as a person, the basis for your relationship would be either your demise or actually have somewhat healthy potential. He'd actually be absolutely excited if you showed you like being his and also the other way around! While he looks like the biggest dom, he´d be down on his knees if you call him yours, give him pet names, and call him your big sweet bug. At some point you could even get him a collar with the words: “Y/N´s property” and he´d not take it off and wear it 24/7 under his Jester suit. You “owning” him is the biggest declaration of love you could make.

Mammon would shower you with gifts as soon as he sees you as his. Owning you means being a part of him, so he´d try and make you happy with getting what you desire. While he´d be a major dick and has no sense of being polite, because he doesn't care about anyone but himself, you could still teach him some manners and social conscience. Good luck though, you will need it.

Breaking up with Mammon or Running away

Lol, we saw how that one would go down. He'd basically hunt you down! In the second one shot you fled, because you thought he was about to kill you off for burning tons of his cash by accident. In this case, he thought you got abducted! He mobilized Greed's whole Mafia to track you down.

If you were to run away since you realized you were indeed not fit to be Greed´s s.o. , he´d be more than desperate to chase you through all of hell to get you back. His actions would range between pleading for you to come back to him cause he can't be without you and going full-on yandere for you. Depending on how toxic you like your Mammon he´d even trap you inside his castle and keep you as a pet, cause he simply could not let you go.

IF you broke up with him he´d be more than salty about it. He´d go through the FOUR STAGES OF GREED: denial, anger, bargaining, depression. Acceptance will never come. XD He will be stuck in an endless cycle of these four stages. The worst ex you can imagine. If it weren't hell, I'd advise you to go into a monastery, since he won´t let anyone else have you. If he was mad at you too when you broke up, it would be a lot easier though. Still, having a Deadly Sin as an ex is still the worst jackpot you could hit.

Healthy relationship HCs:

You'd be in good hands when it comes to health, food, and living conditions. He'd make sure that you get anything you´d desire. What´s the advantage of having THE clown as a bf? HAVING A CLOWN AS A BF. He´d be silly for you. He might not perform anymore, but holy guacamole… if you adore/enjoy his silly little acts, he´d do them just for you. Making you smile would be all the motivation he needs to get up and running for you. Since he is not the best when it comes to talking about emotions(he is outright terrible when it comes to love), he'd try to cheer you up with jokes and smashing pie in his own face. JUST LAUGH AGAIN, PLEEAASEEEE. He hates to see you cry!

He is a silly big spider. Fooling around like in the first chapter is adorable. He might not shower you with sweet words, but he would do these silly little acts to show his absolute devotion. (It makes you laugh so he sees that as an absolute win.)

Touched starved 24/7. His hands are always on you. Never letting you go. He´d be an absolute cuddle bug. Even if you were busy, he'd follow you around like a Pokemon. If you had to do paperwork, he´d even offer you to sit on his lap or between his legs (not like that you pervert) and let you use his luxurious office desk as long as he is allowed to wrap his arms around you, play with his phone and yap about everything and nothing.

The major pro about him being clingy: HE WILL MASSAGE YOU. That man knows how to stroke each muscle to make people comfortable! (Totally not a manipulation technique.) Since his hands are on you all the time and need constant stimulation or else he will explode into confetti, he will randomly start to massage you. Just like that. You will melt into his soft side by his sweet and tender touch.

Okay I think that is enough for now. 😀

Now to the BBBf chap 2 ending:

You needed some time to recover from this horrid week. Mammon would not leave your side. You disappearing without a trace unlocked new fears he didn't even know his heart could feel. Imagine…for hours he was digging through the ruins and with every dead body he and the staff found his heart stopped thinking it could be you. He went crazy. Not prepared to lose what he grew so fond of. You were the first he let get so close to him. Let him discover new feelings that were so alien at first, only to have your sweet little self ripped away from him. The mental image of you suffering a horrible death made him go nuts. He had seen and was also responsible for the death of many hellborn. Mammon couldn't bear the thought of finding your body twisted and crushed between the thick rubble. You, on the other hand, had interpreted his desperate screams as him trying to find and end you. It would take you both MONTHS to recover from this. Mammon is being extra careful and you are so deeply grateful for him loving you so much at this point. You often questioned if you weren't just a plaything for him, but that event had taught you otherwise. In hindsight, you felt absolutely horrible for thinking so badly about him. With his whole focus on you, Mammon would absolutely sense that something is off. (He IS able to read people like an open book as long as his focus is truly on it.) However, you refused to tell him. Mammon would think he´d either done something wrong or that you still suffered from the trauma these goons inflicted on you. At one point he´d blame himself, thinking you didn't feel safe around him anymore since he failed to protect you. You got abducted ON HIS PROPERTY. IN HIS RING. Silly spooder thought he broke the fragile trust you had built up. A Deadly Sin, one of THE most powerful creatures in hell, unable to protect their lover… He´d apologize to you, go down on his knees. In his big form he´d cover before you like a remorseful dog, laying on the ground flat. Congrats, he´d even start to whine and whistle. He couldn't protect what was his. The one demon known for defending what was his failed so miserably and he can never make up for it. So at one point, you had to tell him, to end both of your suffering. While Mammon was relieved to hear you were in no danger at any time (except the explosion) he would be devastated about the real reason.

He did not break your trust, but you were running away from him because you were afraid of him? Wait… THAT WAS WORSE?! You seriously thought he would kill you! THIS WAS HORRIBLE. He would just stare at you, making you nervous since you had no idea how he was going to react. Would he get mad? Would he throw you out since you lied to him and caused all this mess and put him through so much in the first place? At the same time, you could smack yourself for taking the very same mental path that had led you into this mess in the first place!

Mammon would just remain unmoving. Images flashed through his mind. When he arrived at that rundown ghetto. When he saw you running away from him. How you fled from him, screaming. You never were in some kind of primal survival mode… all this time you were running from him! Covering on the floor, fearing for your life. When he picked you up, you were thrashing around, begging for him to spare you. Never once had you lost your mind, you firmly believed he was there to hurt you. THERE WAS NO TRUST TO BEGIN WITH. It would take Mammon so long to mentally digest that he started to dissociate a little. He somehow had lost you that day... but not in the way he had thought. You see him as a danger… although you two shared so many tender moments together. HE NEVER HAD DONE THAT WITH ANYBODY. Yeah, to you it wasn't much, but to him, this was a big deal! So you had no idea what him doing all those tiny things for you actually meant? What a big deal was that MAMMON was down on his knees for a hellborn? Sharing a bed repeatedly?? Allowing SOMEONE to come close to him. Physically and emotionally. If the other sins saw any of it, they wouldn't believe their eyes. When he got up, turned around, and left with the words “Gimme a minute” you knew how bad it was. Nobody managed to turn the energetic Mammon speechless… him showing no emotions was scary.

Good news: after another talk, you could assure him, you were feeling inferior to him before the event already. Tried to tell him that the enormous gap between status and power had taught you to feel like vermin around a royal. Mammon was not dumb. He was absolutely aware of the harsh hierarchy in hell, but somehow “forgot” about it when it came to you. Not your and his fault then. Couldn't blame you, since he would totally crush any hellborn´s head if they were to displease him in terms of his royal title. Yeah… may he have done that in front of you too…FUCK.

However, the two of you were able to sort it out. The big guy would even make sure to respect your boundaries more. That shit freaked you out. Mammon and not constantly overstepping??! HELP, he is malfunctioning! If he continues, he´ll probably poof into confetti and respawn in his default mode from thousands of years ago!

But psssst! Mammon only causes new fears: “Y/N would run away and leave me when scared” and “As long as they think I am a danger to them, they will never love me and therefore I can never HAVE them.”

If you start becoming more comfortable in showing affection, he´d start being a cheeky bastard again. Don´t worry.

[brick-van-dyke]

So, I've been thinking lately about autism and trying to participate in social advocacy for various people, but especially in regards to Palestine and advocacy with social issues in general.

I'm unsure how to articulate this, and I think specifically as an autistic person with a strong sense of "rules" and "fairness" many of us struggle to articulate this specific thing, too. I've noticed that people around me who are emotionally invested in activism, social issues, civil rights, social justice, whatever you'd like to call it, we really particularly struggle with lies, manipulation and propaganda; as in we particularly despise them and fixate on that unfairness.

I know it's something I struggle with personally, but I've noticed that many neurodiverse friends of mine are similar in that they struggle to deal with lies emotionally and tend to be more honest about their own feelings and trusting of others as a result of seeing lying as something that is nonsensical and shouldn't exist. I've heard others say this about autism too, that people who are autistic tend to value honesty and tend to trust because lying doesn't naturally occur to them/ us. I, at least, do relate to this in the sense the idea of dishonesty is so nonsensically unfair that I fixate on it and become really upset about it. I think it's fair to be upset, of course, but I notice I fixate over it. I'm unsure exactly where I'm going with this, but I think it may help others connect the dots when we get so angry at manipulative tactics and propaganda so specifically, almost to the point everything else blanks out and we're just so angry at it. Or...maybe it's just a me thing. I don't really know. Just some food for thought.

On another note, I also wonder if maybe it's that dysregulation of emotions that also makes it so hard for certain autistic/ neurodivergent people to act on their desire to help. For me, I've been struggling to create a proper donation post and to share as much as I'd like because looking at stories as I copy and create an overall document charges emotions that aren't anger but pure unfairness which then cause an overload of intense emotions, which lead to a meltdown and then not being able to finish creating it or really do things to help in the ways I would want to. Instead, I tend to engage in unproductive things due to not regulating these emotions, or rather, not knowing how to. Which makes me wonder, what can we do to better reflect and correct these things so we can help in better ways? I think one factor to consider in this of "why" could possibly be the difference between how I react physically to anger compared to strong sadness? If so, do other autistic people struggle with this and would analysing the relationship we have to these emotions be helpful? Basically, this is all another thing I've been considering lately and wanted to communicate.

I know for myself, sadness and fear causes me to freeze and struggle with flight, meanwhile anger causes a desire to fight the perceived danger. Maybe this is less an autistic thing and more of a general mental health thing, but I notice that, without something that makes me furious in the moment and more makes me feel sadness, I tend to freeze and not be able to move. However, I don't think functioning by forcing sadness and fear into anger is helpful either. If possible, I'd rather focus on compassion as a feeling rather than anger since anger just makes my mind shut down and see all the unfairness, leading to a similar problem with spiralling. I think, maybe, the best way to engage with activism, especially as an autistic person who struggles with regulating emotions and reactions, could be to assess how these things make me feel and to allocate time before doing a task to simply process them and give myself time to get to the end of that before then focusing on a task? Or, alternatively, finding help through others who can help keep me regulated as I try to engage in helpful things like activism and fundraising?

This is more of a me wondering and putting this out generally in case anyone else has thought about any of this and may have some ideas.

[aheathen-conceivably]

how do you go about planning your storyline? :) especially for your decades challenge

Hello there dearest! I’m sorry this took me a while. It’s a bit of a difficult one and I wanted to take some time to sort out the chaotic process in my brain before I tried to type it out 😅

This is just a rough outline of what works for me specifically in writing a historical story on simblr. I can’t speak to writing advice in general because it’s not something I have experience with; nor do I think this will be helpful for everyone. So please feel free to pick and choose whatever suits your fancy or ignore it all completely.

Of course, it’s time to take this below the cut, since you know it’s going to get a bit long 😉

1. Find Inspiration (Nonfiction books, Blogs, TV shows, YouTube videos, Period Pieces, etc etc…)

For a decades challenge/history based story I think this is really the starting point for me. Whether it be styles of architecture, clothing trends, a historical fact, or an individual’s story, there’s so much real life inspiration to be found for this type of story. It can often seem small, but sometimes pinpointing what you know you want to include and working it in there can be the crux of so much of a story.

I’ve said this before but one of the very first things I knew I wanted to include was the Titanic, since it was the first historical event I ever became interested in. Other examples are New Orleans as a setting, the inclusion of Storyville, and even something as small as the axe man that I included in this post.

When I find these moments of inspiration, I try to immediately transform them into tangible scenes or plot points rather than simply jot them down as a note or like a “maybe for later”. This keeps me from getting mired in too many ideas or overwhelmed with things I like, but that don’t necessarily have a place in the story.

However, sometimes it also means I will need to tweak ideas as the plot develops, such as changing the original storyline of Rosella and Lord Harrington to Rosella and Georgiana; but even with these edits, this process still creates a sort of scaffolding structure for the story as a whole. It gives me plot points or small, specific scenes that I am working and writing toward. I’m then able to allude to the eventual outcome beforehand as well as weave a larger narrative around it while still having clear points of guidance for where I want to go. 2. Connect the Dots

The “dots” here are the aforementioned scenes and/or plot points that I have written well in advance. I have dozens and dozens of these, and I’m basically constantly adding to the document where I keep my writing. This is all kept in chronological order so I can see the progression as well as where I need more narrative to fill out a decade. I generally look at this structure and ask myself: how do I realistically reach that point?

To use the example of the Titanic again: this meant somehow getting the oldest daughter of a relatively poor and close knit family aboard a ship bound for America. It meant not only putting her in contact with someone who would have access to these tickets, but also giving her a reason to leave the people she loved. Then once those larger dots are connected, I continue to focus on smaller and smaller threads, like the details of Georgiana herself or Rosella’s relationship to Zelda, until the storyline feels fully fleshed out and a character’s motivations are coming through. 3. Character Consistency

That last bit is very important to me, and I always try and think about how the characters are functioning within the framework of what I’ve written and the historical landscape. Sometimes this comes into play before connecting the dots, but often it is actually what finally puts the puzzle pieces in place. Something sim-specific here is that I really do use sims traits as guidance on who the characters are, how they interact with the world, and how the world has affected them. So often when I am referencing a prewritten plot point or scene I will ask myself, how would that character get to this point? What may have happened that would lead them here? How does their personality interact with this historical event or point of inspiration?

Many scenes have often come from more outward facing questions, like, is this trait clear to everyone reading as well as me? Has this visibly impacted their life and done so in a sensible way? This is in part responsible for many extra scenes we saw at the end of the 1920s when a few of my best simblr babes pointed out to me that Antoine’s motivations weren’t very clear. It also helps me to fill in and round out that base storyline structure with more small, real-life scenes that showcase and develop certain traits as characters grow and interact with the world around them.

—

With all that said, this is often a very long process that involves reading or watching historical content, going over my own writing again and again, and just waiting for the day when my brain suddenly writes 5-6 scenes unprompted. Other times I’m flying by the tip of my boots, watching y’all feedback and incorporating it or reading through scenes with friends for their help.

So the process has looked very different at various points in the narrative and through the many months I’ve been writing this story. But overall, having those points to write toward as well as tangible character traits have guided the process throughout.

[squishhy-wyrm-witch]

2 Pages of my Book of Shadows: Self Love Spell Fail

Long post! woah. Okay I created this spell myself, I've tried it once and I just... wasn't feeling it. I wanted to post it and give myself an opportunity to learn from it, get the motivation to try again. Not everything goes perfectly, and sometimes the vibes are just off. I plan on trying again for Ostara, with a clearer head.

2/16/2024 Self Love Enchantment Spell

Supplies:

2 different pen colors (one for love, one for hate)

2 paper

Phone

Rose water

Thing to Enchant (I chose lotion, a hair clip, and perfume)

Rose Quartz

Orange Crystal

Clear Quartz

Black Crystal

Selenite

Right off the bat, I improvised with the clear quartz, black crystal, and selenite. They're not in the original, they're something I added in the moment. Although there's nothing wrong with occasional improvisation, my intention with those wasn't thought through, so it was hard to focus on what they were supposed to do. Also, I originally wanted to wear headphones to listen to music. I decided not to because I thought the spell wouldn't charge properly. The noise from around my house was extremely distracting and made it difficult to concentrate on my intentions. Not only that, but I also did not cleanse my brand new crystals that I had gotten. That's not all! I like to curate playlists for these kinds of things. I have a study playlist, a relaxing playlist, and a calming playlist. They did not fit this particular vibe, so I figured I would just let the algorithm on YouTube Music guide me. this did not help.

Steps:

Using the first color pen and paper, write down things you hate or dislike about yourself. Then using the second color and second paper, write down things you love or like about yourself.

Take the hatred paper. Hold it, put all your hatred inside it. Allow your pain to flow into it. Now rip it up. Destroy it. It's not gone, but it has no power over you.

Gather the pieces into your hands. Focus on these words;

"I am more than this. I am greater than my pain. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of joy. I am worthy of the time and patience it will take to move forward. I am enough as I am."

Now throw those pieces away.

I think I should a) get rid of the hatred portion of this entirely, b) do some kind of cleansing after throwing away the hatred or c) do something that puts more emphasis on the love portion of this spell. Come up with another affirmation chant. This was the part I focused on heavily, I couldn't move past the negative mindset.

Fold up the second paper, preferably on the smaller side. Write the rune Raidho on it. Raidho is symbolic of the journey to self-love. We're seeking progress, not perfection.

Place the crystals around your enchantment items. Using rosewater, connect them in a circle (I DID NOT GET THE CRYSTALS WET, it was just a connect the dots kind of thing in a circle). Place the folded love paper inside the circle.

Listen to positive music. Dance, sing, whatever. Visualize charging your spell with the joy and love that comes from just being in the moment.

Anddddd the vibes weren't all there. Here's my reflection after my attempt:

2/22/2024 Failed Attempt at Self Love Spell

I don't know, the vibes were just off. Like I wasn't in the right head space for it. I felt this weight keeping me to the ground. My arms and legs felt sore. Once I realized it wasn't working I just felt defeated. It was really discouraging.

Maybe it's because I'm sad. Like I've been thinking I'm going to cry for days now. I keep telling myself "okay if I have to cry that badly it'll just happen" but it doesn't. I want to try again. maybe instead of dancing I can charge the spell with affirmations. Maybe I take a breath on it? Work on something else?

I did in fact, take a beat. That's the purple italicized font. Somethings that I've noticed is that I have been exhausted ever since I tried this spell. I am completely restless. Normally I'd be able to just knock out after a day or two of not sleeping well. I am now on day 5 of some rank ass sleep. It's most likely because it's getting warmer and I cannot sleep in a room over 65 degrees. Mundane or magic? Probably mundane, but it's something to note.

I wanted to post a "fail" because I really want to contribute to breaking down my personal obsession with perfection. It's totally normal to get discouraged, shit if I said it wasn't I'd be a hypocrite. But in the end, this isn't really a fail. As cheesy as it is to say, I learned some things. Thank the gods I found a post on safely cleansing crystals.

That's all! Take care! <3

[adobe-outdesign]

What are your thoughts on Glimmet and Glimmora, if you don't mind sharing? :0c

This is just a straight-up weird line. These two almost feel more like Ultra Beasts than regular Pokemon, except the designs are too simple and non-humanoid to really fit the UB aesthetic.

While it might not immediately be obvious what these guys are supposed to be, it's likely they're based off of chalcanthite, which is a kind of copper sulfate that is very toxic (hence the rock/poison typing) and Very Blue.

The line is also meant to resemble plants in a similar way to how Lurantis is supposed to resemble a bug; for this reason, Glimmet's shape looks a lot like an onion or other root vegetable to me, with it becoming a full-fledged flower when it evolves:

Visually, it's got an incredibly simple design, so there's not a lot to talk about there. The blue is striking, and I love the design of the eyes; the combo of the pointy head and tiny little dot eyes are a pretty dang cute feature on an otherwise alien Pokemon.

I do find myself wishing that the body was a different color though. It's hard to tell what it's supposed to really be relative to the mineral head. I'd assume it's rock, maybe? But it looks a bit too smooth for that. I think I would've liked to see the body be a warm brown and maybe a bit more jagged, with the middle part being more of a light blue instead of a gray. The color does connect back to the purple-ish pink of Glimmora though, so it has that much going for it.

Glimmora somehow gets even weirder. The bulb-like body is gone, but it now has crystalline "petals" that it can fold up and then unfold, making it look all the more plant-like despite it being a rock. It also can shoot lasers from its face, because of course it can.

Visually, I like it better than Glimmet; I think the blues are much more striking and letting them take up more of the design was a good call. The head is now more of a slate blue and the body has neon aqua accents, with some complimentary purplish-pink on the inside "petals". It creates a unique palette and makes it stick out a lot more than Glimmet, which looks washed-out in comparison.

When opened, I also like that the "petals" have a streaked look to them and the ends are pixelated and jagged; a good reminder that this isn't a plant, even if it looks vaguely like one. I also like how it has three rows of petals divided by color, which gives it a lot of visual interest without it looking too cluttered. Overall, it's a weird line that's not going to appeal to everyone, but it's definitely unique and nicely designed as a whole.

Also side note: This note about their petals resembling Tera Crystals along with them being based off a crystal/mineral seems like it should have some kind of lore importance. I would hope they'd return to this idea and expand on it in the DLC, but somehow I doubt it.

Side side note: Star shaped with multiple layers? Face with no mouth directly in the middle of the body? Simple design? Cool hues? Ambiguous lore behind them? This could totally pass for a convergent Starmie.

[breezybeej]

Just practicing my lyrical analysis to prepare myself for a project. Do not mind me

There are a lot of parallels between poetry and song lyrics but there are some crucial differences as well.

One is obviously the presence of music. Some poems work wonderfully when you throw a beat behind them but many do not. The deeper you go into poetry the more you start to realize that it is a visual medium as well as a verbal one. song lyrics cannot very well play with their typography to convey ideas because it is an auditory format.

Another is delivery. Some poetry is structured so that it can only be delivered with a certain meter which influences the interpretation but you are left without vocal tone to indicate anything. Some examples in songs might be Chappell Roan's vocal 'cracks' in Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl as she constantly shifts between her head voice and her chest voice to create these desperate sounding yells to convey her intense yearning. Or the way Thom Yorke opens the song 15 Step with a severe mumble and almost a whimper and at the end of the song he delivers the final line crisply and firmly. We have a sense of change in the narrator of the song, our subject becoming resolute.

Now as this relates to lyricism, let's talk about what we mean. Songs do not have a lot of time to get their meaning across so we use things like vocal tone, instrumentation, and reference to speed up the process for the listener and also provide color to your canvas. I'm going to break down two examples.

Chevelle is a hard rock band known for their cynical lyrics. One of my absolute favorite songs by them is Hats Off to the Bull. Before we even listen to the song, what does that bring to mind?

"Hats off" is a phrase typically used to signify that you are showing respect to someone, often when they had no chance but tried their best. In what situations would this apply to a bull? We have two major sports that fit: Bullfighting and Rodeos. Either one works here so I'll go with fighting.

We already have the thesis of the song. The bull can never truly win. It is trapped by the spectacle of the sport. Even if he defeats the matador, he faces more fights and ultimately slaughter (for the record, I am speaking to the common layman conception of bullfighting, there are many traditions and nuance). A "hats off" to the bull is acknowledgement that he fought as hard as he could despite having no hope for success. Winning the battles, losing the war etc etc.

And if we listen to the song, yeah that's the feeling they explore. And the delivery of the line is harsh, strained, it's *angry*. It makes you feel like the singer is watching this Injustice and cannot do anything about it aside from salute the bull for trying its best despite its hopelessness.

That is a single line as the title of the song and the first line of the chorus. it carries so much meaning and emotion while being five single syllable words. it carries that meaning by referencing an activity many are at least generally aware of and the common gesture of removing your hat in respect. it is not a difficult set of dots to connect but it is very well crafted so that you can connect those dots and also save some words for the lyricist.

Next up is the song Submarine by L'imperatrice.

If we try the same analysis, we look at the word submarine and think pressurized vessel deep underwater. Doesn't really tell us much because it's just one word. But wait, what is the album? Tako Tsubo, which is a stylizing of the term Takotsubo's cardiomyopathy or broken heart disease. Combined, maybe we are dealing with what happens when a pressurized vessel ruptures?

Pretty close. They don't talk about the actual rupture, just the idea of having this pressurized shell that the world sees without knowing what's going on inside.

So we have a song about the social pressure to not express yourself whenever you are sad (or any other non-happy emotion) and also the pressure that builds up inside you as a result of that. We are looking at a situation where people are turning themselves into pressure vessels that could erupt catastrophically. That last part is never said directly in the song but keep that submarine terminology in mind because nowhere in the song is the word submarine said.

Rather, every line of the chorus *rhymes* with submarine which primes you to think about the title in relation to the lyrics, it primes you to make that imagery yourself. The song also does not talk about the consequences of too much pressure building up, you have to know that is a risk with submarines.

Building on that, most of the verses are sung in a reserved kind of low-key tone. these are the lyrics that discuss vulnerabilities and feelings. When we get to the chorus, there is a shift to what almost sounds like the singer is straightening her back and projecting confidence as she sings about having this strong outer shell that's not revealing any emotions. The doubling of her vocals is also more prominent here which makes it sound like multiple people are expressing the same idea. After all, she says at the beginning of the song that everyone shares that same view, they only show what they want to. This projected confidence in the chorus with the vocals layered on top of themselves conveys that same idea. Everyone is saying this to themselves.

Another aspect of the submarine is that it is a lonely vessel. Once you are underwater and inside this capsule, you can't very well invite someone else in. The inherent loneliness of how society handles sadness is present here. Am I the only one who was born to be blue? it feels like that because everyone else is hiding their sadness so you feel like you are the only sad person.

My favorite part of the song plays directly into all of these feelings together when the chorus ends. That projected confidence comes through with the line "I don't need to say goodbye" and it instantly collapses when she asks the genuine heartfelt question with a waver in her voice "do I?"

Once again, we have very straightforward concepts and they are very easy to interpret because the lyricist and the musicians structured their song very well to deliver them and make them digestible to the listener. You don't have to try hard to pull these concepts out because they did a good job writing them. They are also able to impart nuance to this theme by leaning on reference and tone. not only can you grasp the song but you can also do deep readings and still pull information out. it is simple and complex.

Both of these examples could work as poetry but it is the instrumentation and delivery that gives them deeper color in the same way that many poems could not just be translated to songs specifically because you would have to come up with your own tone and instrumentation which would recolor what is on the page.

With this in mind, I'm curious to see if any of these things are explored in the tor/tur/ed po/ets depar/tme/nt. since people hail TAS as a great lyricist, I anticipate being able to tease out some of these differences in her upcoming work. I suppose we'll see. yeah, it's probably unfair to go into an album with predetermined expectations, I'm not demanding that this album work in this space but I do expect to be able to perform a similar level of analysis on it.

[neonscandal]

What kind of fanfic would you like there to be more of? Not as in, fic ideas, but general types/genres, like multi-chapter AUs with original worldbuilding, fix-its, canon compliant character studies, etc? I know this is probably fandom specific, so I guess for any fandom you feel like considering.

Ooooh I wonder what this informs? Like... will I be getting a recommendation in a few months to read something because I'd love that! I'm always curious what motivation prompts the asks haha

Domestic Bliss - TBH, I like the post resolution stories that are still ridged with the fall out of whatever they'd undergone in story but here they are, anyway. (All fandoms)

Canon Compliant Character Studies - I like writing these a lot. Finding a space in canon to provide just a little bit more insight on your favorite character? 😘👌🏾 But also, I enjoy reading them because I think they're a good indication of how the author interprets the character which is always an eye opener. (All Fandoms but specifically ones with little to no fluff/filler because you're not getting the deep dive you want to connect the dots)

Angst - This, I think, is a spectrum. Not going to go as far as whump but just the acknowledgement of the reality a character is going through. For example: MHA, Midoriya and Class 1A largely need therapy. But the story persists in spite of this and without slowing for any sort of residual complications from the lack thereof. JJK, if someone doesn't get Yuji Itadori a damn hug, I don't know what he'll do. VINLAND SAGA, imagine what people miss as Thorfinn undergoes the events from his childhood into becoming a man. TBH I feel like a character study there would be good too but we don't get too much of the emotional side of the story until it breaks the dam in season 2, you know? Sorry, my forever sad bitch status is showing.

Comedy - Frivolously, I think it's brilliant when someone can write a story that's true to the characters but in new or unexpected environments that are hilariously applied because that's such a thorough understanding of the essence of that/those character(s). OOC'ness is debatable here but Sassy Deku? Give it.

AU's - always yes because who wouldn't want to see your favorite characters in other environments?

Generally, for shorter stories, I want the conditions to be the same. Like, quirked up coffee shop AU where maybe hero society isn't as big a pressing variable just to explore another facet of a world that already exists and the impact powers have therein. I say this knowing damn well I will always read a no-power fanfic if my favorite characters/dynamic are involved. Original worldbuilding AU's, I like the idea, but go through periods of life where I simply don't have time/mental capacity to keep up with them or even read multi-chapter fics. Let alone to later find out it wasn't worth it! But there's some genuine artistry in people who can consistently and sincerely create something vivid and immersive. So, when I'm not feeling like an amoebous blob of a person, they're the kind of stories I want to throw myself into. Afterall, I'm just chasing the high/escapism I felt when I used to get lost in the YA novels of my youth.

In essence though, I'll read most things if I'm in the mood for it. Not like I'll ever conquer my TBR or TBW, for that matter.

[ghost-honey-labz]

In 2018, one night, I started to make a wish. Scanning with a printer various different collages I had created and regretting not getting much started in life, Marilyn Monroe stared back from the scan with a smile.

The project title became Sylvan Mind, then Sylvan Hotel, then it became something of a black-out poetry session, then unwillingly ending the night, started again in the morning. I couldn't get my mind off that damned wish to create something worthwhile.

Was it all that worthwhile?

A time did come when I found it truly inspiring, uplifting, and something to sacrifice myself for. It became a passion of mine to scrap digital images together or cut up magazines to tape, glue; it actually might have been the only thing holding me together. I doubt that it was my saving grace - I believe now that in part, it was and still is an unhealthy obsession. However, to look beyond trying to make something of this bulk of information…I’m not sure, but it now holds a huge significance to me.

GHOST HONEY : ZINES + PUBLICATIONS + ART + POETRY

We are now a group of four women loosely held by the ties of art and creating poetry. Maybe our paths crossed by luck or coincidence, and maybe by the stars. As mentioned, the project started out by myself (Zelda Max) in 2018, growing out of my chaotic life until around 2020, when my life stabilized. I used my Samsung until around them too; then precariously got to some of my senses and bought a computer. That was around the time I met the three other women in our zine-making collective. We decided to, alongside some past work, start writing and creating about the bitterness of love and the melancholy state of loneliness. This turned out into two different publications: Below the Pink Moon and Sunset Motel.

Before we created these two projects (the first one involving all of us while the latter was just myself and Caitlin Rose), I introduced them to something called Syko-Zine, which I created years prior to meeting them.

The artworks in Syko-Zine were created in 2011, while I was still a teenager in school, learning Photoshop and having fun with it. After some years went by and my interest in zines piqued, I decided to condense my various loose digital files of art by printing and manually pasting the images into an empty sketchbook. I called it “Connect the Dots,” back then in 2018. It was a prelim to “Syko” which was printed around 2020, around the time I met the others.

I’ll get around to posting the title page.

Anyhow, I made some different logos and messed around with different ways the artwork can potentially look for [GH].

Well, that’s it for now! Be back soon with more about Ghost Honey information and stories about how we came to this point in creating more poetry, art, and stories. Catch you on the flip side.

[sadcreature01]

I find it hard to describe myself most of the times. I have no perception about how I truly look, I have vague ideas, like I can sense if something is soft or hard, I can sense if something is big or small. Though the extension to which these definitions could be taken are arcane to me and ever so changing. My hair don't always come out good, but after 3 hours from my shower I like how the curls bounce around, I like the colour and I like how my white hair seem to create highlights in it. I like the way they cover my face on the sides, hiding the exaggerated roundness of it. Talking about it, I don't think I have a strong face shape, sometimes it feels too round, sometimes too square, but I like the way my cheeks are round and pop up with some blush and the way my eyebrows are full and sharp, and allow me to make exaggerated expressions which can be entertaining. They perfectly match the set of eyes of mine, through all the tiredness and the eye bags, they are big and maybe a bit droopy, half closed, with those long lashes, and dark as soil: it's not feminine nor like those deer eyes most people look up for, but they look gentle, tender, strict at times, but warm nonetheless. I cannot describe my nose, I can't quite seem to understand it, sometimes too big, sometimes small, sometimes perfectly fine; but I know for sure lips lack the plumpiness of sweet kisses, yet I can't really hate on them. They look elegant enough and small in a cute way. I may not be able to apply well my lipsticks but I like how they raise my cheeks, even tho I wish they weren't so chubby. My neck is not well defined but despite my roundness, my collarbone is still visible and I like how delicate it makes me look, though it could be related to how much I wish I was skinnier, as having a visible collarbone is something slim girls can show off. I cannot see well my arms neither, they are big, soft and muscly at the same time. They don't connect well with my neck, but I like that my muscles are there enough to be visible and testable when I flex, as I like the way my scapulas look defined. I don't quite like my hands they connect weird to my arms, sometimes I believe they're not mine. I don't know about my chest, sure it's big and soft, and the jiggle it's fun to watch. I wish they were a little smaller since my back hurts a bit and they don't always look good in clothes. But I like that for how big they are they're still in place. I like the line along my back and I like how it's dotted with small moles all over it, as I like the softness of my belly. It's squishy, it's shapely, I have a line over my stomach, separating the two sides of the abs. They're soft but I like that they're visible and I like holding on to my lower tum. It's comfy and it's reassuring, and it protects my uterus. I don't like my butt much, I don't really have anything nice to say, it's squared given by the fact I have hip dips, and it's not pompous, it's just large and dumply, since I have large hips and a small waist, which are nice things I guess. Though I'm still very soft and tender, someone not many likes. They like strong things, like my legs, I have very big quads, and despite the fat you can feel all of it and it gives a nice shape with my calves which are also quite defined. I wish people wouldn't tell me they look too big. I don't have opinions on my feet, they just look weird and not dainty like others. I have no opinion on my intimate parts, they're pink, which is nice, but it's not very pretty to look at. I wish others would see the beauty in this. I wish others would look at all of these details, I wish someone could find beauty in all of them. Or almost. I wish they could tell me what they see. Even if it's not nice, I wish they could lend me their eyes for a moment and be able to make me dream of a person worthy to be scrutinized. I wish someone could see every part of me and be able to give it a name

[the-story-of-my-forgotten]

Still, despite, after, life

Crying to survive Writing into oblivion Drawing the beginning Perishing over smiles

Once I lived, I always did For others, Since I fell, I left a seed For others

Tears, they rolled and dropped For others Dreams, they faded and broke For others

Cut and tear my skin and soul For others Haunted myself like a ghoul For others

Body will cry and suffer For others Gathered my bruises For others

Lament and grow slowly For her Built up and honestly For her

Cried rivers, oceans and seas For her Filled my heart with the sky For her

Flooded my room with ideas For her Spilled my feeling around For her

Let me eyes see emotions For her Fall into a net of connections For her

And others spent time For me They heard my cry For me

Hang on and wouldn't let go For me See my essence and loved For me

Survive until tomorrow For me Fought against my sorrow For me

Saw what was real For me Discover that what I feel For me

So I'll be Crying to survive Writing into oblivion Drawing the beginning Perishing over smiles

My head turns and spins The thing, try a thought Ideas began to shrink Darkness all it brought

Once they came forward Part of my soul taken Theirs forever to safeguard My heart out and open

C'mon read my love It's only dark for you Please, make it abroad It aches for your tune

It's safe through them To live what I dread An idea for mayhem They learn in my stead

I don't, I can't talk I do not know how My mouth be stuck And my mind too loud

Keep quite and you'll hear Listen the turmoil grow Keep you eyes shut, fear Watch my dreams burn

Type the future only By the exclusive past lens End all the time coming Present to fast to sense

A universe is created God is born and formed My emotions placated My vision was distorted

It will be the end I will stay in the paper A character, I will pretend Sanity, inside is safer

Dissolve the ink in metaphor Fade into pages of silence Mortals is caution for The last line my sentence

So I'll be Writing into oblivion Drawing the beginning Perishing over smiles

Draw a card or two or three, draw them all Reality's your will to contort Paste it over to cover my heart from the fall Finished, a canvas to distort

A line, a dot, a dimension of senses Tell me a story or not Will you interpret my pot of madness? Read it, might be knot

Does it have the only value of coin? Maybe gold was fabricated This time the shading will be on point. Practice or be replicated

A face, some hands, a shape smudged Lick your fingers in my flavor Perspective, the only path to trudge. Sip of my soul and favor

To first see and then hear to think Existence questioned over heartless pretension Pull your gaze for my single link A chain so long you'll never reach my intention

A cave of beginnings, figures of ancestors A brush stroke to our kin Watch and bask your eyes full of protesters A scar by knife in my skin

Meaningful, fulfilling conversation Indulge in affection and sentiment Turn to meaningless confrontation Grudge of poor and misled excitement

Let me show you the origin of power Hid my face, my product has personality Observe the late blooming flower Gaze on me, the last piece of humanity

So I'll be Drawing the beginning Perishing over smiles

I beg of you Show me your face I beg of you Let me help

Pain, the only escape Show me the way I'm tired of the masquerade Let me sway

Sleep forever Show me, restful night Drift my heart in the sea Let me sleep

Please love me Show me reason I can live no more Let me reason

I crave your touch Show me affection I fade to silence Let me feel

Do anything for happiness Show me an end For anyone but myself Let me sacrifice

Look at me Show me a smile I did everything correctly Let me be

So I'll be Crying my soul out to survive loneliness or happiness Writing my heart into oblivion disappearing in my mind Drawing the beginning of downfall or victory Perishing over our smiles because we deserve it.