#maybe YOU should grow the fuck up and be empathetic to peoples suffering

[trans-xianxian]

every time I think my brother has grown the fuck up and become a decent person he says some stupid shit again

[nerdby]

I feel like people are misinterpreting the whole

Don't coddle your children because life won't coddle them thing.

It's not about normalizing pain and suffering🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

It's about letting your kids make their own mistakes, comforting them and helping them to heal, helping them to learn from their mistakes, and teaching them that pain is only temporary and they are strong enough to get through whatever life throws at them.

You don't want your kids to grow up in a cage even if it's for their own safety. Because it's not for their own safety -- it's for YOUR peace of mind. It's about YOUR insecurities as parents. That's normal to a degree, but you are a human being -- we are ALL human beings.

We're going to fuck up and get hurt sometimes, and it's good to let your kids see that. Because when they see that it takes the pressure off of them to be perfect. It lets them know that it's okay if they mess up sometimes cause they look up to you, their parents.

And if you raise your kids in a bubble, it will ruin your relationship with them because they will push you away and you will be to blame when they go out into the world emotionally and mentally unprepared for REALITY. Not life. REALITY.

Kids need to be happy. They need excitement and fun, but they also need to learn and grow as people -- everyone does. I'm 34 years old and I'm still learning, and some of lessons that we need to learn in order to be happy, healthy adults aren't fun or easy to learn. They're messy and they're scary but they are also necessary for our health and happiness. So that we can be kinder, more compassionate, more empathetic adults -- so that we can be the change we want to see in the world and be the adults that we needed when we were growing up.

That's why you shouldn't coddle your children. That's why you should let them go outside and skin their knees. Or let them watch the scary movie or read the grownup books even if you think they might be too young. And that's why you need to be there afterwards to talk to them about the scary movie or the grownup book and say,

"Now, that you made it through that just think of what else you can do. You were brave then and you can be brave later and maybe even have fun in scary situations."

[dl-oblivion]

What would S boys be like if they had good father and mother figures?

Considering both nature, and nurture play into ones personality development, that’s hard to say. I believe they’d be drastically different, as all suffer with severe childhood trauma that shaped them into who they are in the series. Some core aspects of their personalities would be kept though. I’m gonna break down their childhoods, and how I think they’d grow up if things were different. This is gonna be my first analysis so I hope you guys enjoy reading it.

⚠️TW for physical, emotional, and sexual abuse⚠️

Shu - As a child, Shu was constantly pressured as the eldest son to surpass his father. For hundreds of years he would have to study, and barely got anytime to be a kid. When he did, it was always on his own merit. Running away, and seeking out his best friend Edgar, was how he got away from it all. (At least for a very brief portion of his life.) One thing after another, the things that brought him joy were stripped from him, including Edgar. Feeling trapped, he eventually stopped caring all together, and burnt out. His lazy persona was formed from depression, and trauma. That being said, his sluggish attitude, is the only aspect of his personality I can really see changing. Maybe the vampire would be less sadistic too? That’s hard to say, but perhaps if he continued making human friends, he wouldn’t look down on them so much. Having good parents as a vampire might mean that they belittle humans even more so who knows. His quiet nature would remain, but he wouldn’t be shy by any means. I think his “cool” personality is just how he is. His perverted side would also still be present. It’s worth noting that he’s the only brother who hates his parents, but doesn’t hold any kind of grudge. (Subaru doesn’t hate his mom, but would kill his father if the opportunity was available.)

Reiji - Reijis childhood was the complete opposite of his older brother. Instead of being hyper focused on, he was neglected. No matter what he did, nobody seemed to care for his achievements. The reason why Reiji is the most intelligent out of all his siblings, is because he never stopped trying to get attention by proving his capabilities. Even when he did get praised, it was in the form of backhanded compliments “You will make an excellent right hand man to your brother once he becomes king”. That inferiority complex of his, and hatred for his mother/older brother, would have never been there if he had good parents. Being raised in a loving home, I believe the good aspects of his personality would be cranked up, as opposed to the bad. He’d still be the most intelligent, but out of curiosity, and the need to learn more than anything. His ego would still be present a bit, especially when it comes to humans, but perhaps he’d be more snarky than sadistic? I can also see him being less strict, and more charming towards people. The character would be a little empathetic towards others, and not as detached from his family. Getting along with his brother would be in a playful competitive sense. I also lowkey see him being a mamas boy.

Ayato - Ayato has a similar upbringing to Shu, except his mother was extremely unstable, and downright cruel. Unlike the other two mothers, Cordelia didn’t care for her sons at all. He was a victim to beatings, and torment (I’m sure we all know the story of him being drowned in a lake). Ayato also witnessed Cordelias fits/breakdowns, (which often resulted in maids being killed before his very eyes) as well as her love affairs. The reason why she showed even a shred of regard for Ayato, was because he was the oldest of the triplets. The vampire was praised for things that made his mother look good, and proved he was the “best”. One of the ways narcissists are formed is from parental neglect, and only being praised when they do something worthy of acknowledgement. Which is why his whole character revolves around his need to be the best. If the vampire was raised by good parents, his egotism wouldn’t be present at all. He’d be a way more lighthearted character, and probably just a big loud dork. I’m sure he’d still be a jerk to some extent, but in a misfit kind of a sense. He seems playful at heart, and stubborn in nature. Perhaps he’d be a bit of a heart breaker amongst ladies, or absolutely terrible at picking up chicks. I wholeheartedly believe his personality was mostly formed via “nurture”, but if he wasn’t as strong of a character emotionally, would he have made it out the same?

Laito - Laitos upbringing is different from that of his brothers. While he was neglected, and traumatized from witnessing things no kid should have, the abuse he went through didn’t occur until he was a teenager. At a certain age (unclear), Cordelia began abusing him sexually, and warped his viewpoint on love. His only purpose was to please her sexually, which completely fucked him up. While he always knew it was wrong, Laito was manipulated into believing that he loved his mother as a partner. When Karl Heinz found out, he locked Laito in a dungeon as punishment. Nobody was there to comfort, or acknowledge him as a victim. Instead, Cordelia had sex in front of Laito, and told her son that he was nothing more than a play toy. He continued the cycle of abuse once the incestuous relationship ended. His whole persona is fake, it’s a means to bury all his trauma deep down. With all that being said, Laito would be an entirely different person if he was raised by loving parents. Instead of being this abusive asshole, he’d be a more soft spoken, chill, and nice person. Maybe a little flirtatious, but unintentionally so. I highly doubt he’d be nearly as sadistic, or brutal when it comes to humans, as he didn’t even enjoy taking advantage of his first victim, Hilde (a maid). His hobbies might also be a focus for him, as he wouldn’t be constantly trying to fill up his time by preying on people. Perhaps being a legendary pianist? He’d definitely be closer to his brothers as well, and give them advice more often. His perceptive, and sharp people reading skills would still be there.

Kanato - Kanato has always been needy, and attention seeking. Instead of trying to get his mothers attention by proving his capabilities, he would often times beg for it, or hurt himself. Most of his childhood was spent being neglected. Even if he sustained really bad injuries, Cordelia would ignore him, or request one of the servants take care of it. She disregarded him, until it was discovered that he could sing. His mother was turned on by his voice, and requested that Kanato sing while she was having intercourse. Since he was exposed to sex at a young age, his view on lust/love is very warped, just like Laito. Not nearly as much, but he believes forcing himself onto others is normal. Women are lustful creatures who always want it, in his eyes. (This explains why he forces himself onto Yui the most out of all his brothers.) Cordelia would also order Kanato to dispose of her affairs once she was bored, or if they caused trouble. His mother approved of him turning them into dolls, which is why he continued doing it for hundreds of years. If he had a normal upbringing, Kanato wouldn’t be as broken, and deranged as he is. His mood swings, and extremely sadistic nature wouldn’t be there. I believe he’d be quite timid, and a bit bratty if raised with good parents. He’d throw tantrums sometimes if he didn’t get what he wanted, but not have full blown episodes. I think he also wouldn’t hate women, and humans nearly as much as he does. Kanato is a sensitive person at heart who needs love.

Subaru - Subaru had a lonely, and isolated childhood. He did experience brief moments of tenderly love from his mother, but it was usually followed by Christa breaking down, and screaming at him. His low self esteem is rooted in his mother calling him a monster his entire life. Because Christa was locked away, dealing with her own mental deterioration, Subaru looked after himself. Never did he get validation or approval from anybody. With no siblings to turn to, or father to look to for guidance, he became extremely destructive. Taking his anger out on objects was the only way he could remain sane with a sickly mother. I’m sure there’s been instances where he punched, or beat, brides/servants, as sad as that is to say. I wouldn’t doubt it, since he has said he’s blind during moments or rage, and can easily hurt others if they’re around him when he’s like this. If Subaru had even one good parental figure he’d be different. He’d still be sadistic, but able to control his anger/emotions way better. His horrible self image wouldn’t be there either, and maybe he’d take pride in himself more. I think he’d also pick up hobbies, or be involved in sports, as opposed to being a delinquent. It said in his part of the anniversary book that he actually enjoys exercising, and likes his body sometimes, because he works out. Without a doubt he’d still be an awkward goof, and a tsundere at times. Probably known around the school for having cute reactions as opposed to being scary.

Whew that was long, if you read even a sliver of that Ily (っ◔︣◡◔᷅)っ ❤

[k-s-morgan]

You know, I always look forward to and dread your updates. Don’t get me wrong, I love your writing, your metas and all the fics you have written but ‘What he grows to be’ gives me such an upset feeling. Maybe dark stories are not my cup of tea but I’ve read dark stories before and they haven’t affected me the way yours does. Throughout the whole story my heart feels heavy but I can’t bring myself to stop reading. Also I have a question: could you please explain Harry’s devotion to Tom? Like I don’t study psychology or anything so I’m not an expert (so correct me if I’m wrong) but I don’t see a reason for Harry to sacrifice so much for someone like Tom who is nothing but cruel towards him. He’s been condescending always treating Harry like a helpless thing who needs looking after. He is cruel and manipulative and has a complete disregard towards anything about personal boundaries. I mean he’s basically ,in a loose term, a psychopath. I can understand the way you write Tom, I don’t get the way you’ve written Harry. He’s so weak. He has none of that courage he used to have in the books. He doesn’t have that spirit that made me fall in love with him. He gives in so easily. He forgives easily. He has no morals left. He’s not the Harry I know. Like he literally excused multiple murders Tom committed because he loves him? It’s just so hard to comprehend. I tried to put myself in Harry’s place and instead of feeling sympathetic towards him, I felt angry at how much he has lost himself. I don’t see any thing good in Tom. I would understand for Harry to love him with such abandon if he has anything good in him. But Tom has done nothing but made him suffer. Why did Harry change so much? Just because he only has Tom in this world? Because he raised him? Tom was never a helpless, innocent child for Harry to feel compassion towards him. He was cruel and manipulative from the beginning. It just frustrates me how Harry keeps forgiving Tom and then apologizing to him after his ‘punishments’. It might be cruel for Harry to ‘die’ as a punishment but still does it warrant him forgiving Tom so easily after the atrocities he has committed? It’s a complex situation, I understand and truly I don’t mean to offend you or anything. I’m just trying to understand. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this because you know them better than I do as it is your own story. I don’t know if it makes me a bad person but it always gives me so much satisfaction to see Tom suffer even though it’s for such a short time. Please tell me he won’t get away with everything like always does and that Harry won’t just forgive him easily like he usually does. Because what Tom just did was so cruel and horrifying that I was in shock when I read it. The way he used Harry’s weakeness against him... sorry for the rant!

Hello! First of all, thank you so much for such a long and detailed ask - it's always great to know that my work affects people, even if it evokes so much frustration :D I firmly believe in the death of the author concept, so I don't feel like I can impose my understanding of characters on my readers. Everyone sees them in different ways: some readers think Harry overreacted, others think he should kill Tom and be done with it, etc. What He Grows to Be is certainly a disturbing story, and I think it differs from my other works because Tom and Harry are very different. With Will and Hannibal, violence and manipulations are mutual while here, Harry is genuinely kind and empathetic, and Tom takes advantages of that.

As for my personal view: I don't think Harry is weak. I think he is very fucked up, even more so than in canon because he had to live through even more trauma after the war in WHGTB. In canon, being understanding, forgiving, and empathetic are some of Harry's major traits. It always shakes me to think about how he named his child Albus Severus after two people who caused him so much pain. Yes, Dumbledore loved him in his own way, but ultimately, Harry was his weapon. Years of abuse, every interaction, every test - everything was done with a purpose of manipulating him into being a perfect self-sacrificial hero. And yet Harry still loves Dumbledore with devotion, he still holds awe for him. Same with Snape: yes, he wasn't as terrible of a person as Harry imagined. He suffered a lot, he tried to redeem himself, but Harry never saw anything but hostility and derision from him. And yet he forgives everything to the point of naming a child after him because Snape loved his mother and took care of him. 

Harry didn't hate his relatives after years of abuse. He managed to feel empathy even for Voldemort, and not just once. He tried to give him a chance during the final battle, tried to make him see where he went wrong - that speaks of a unique kind of compassion and a big lack of self-worth. In WHGTB, due to the circumstances, all these traits are amplified.

As it could be expected, the story of Harry's all-encompassing love for Tom started with pity. When he first adopted him, he felt reserved and wary. He didn't like him, he didn't trust him, but he still started to grow attached to him because that's who Harry is: he can't share meals, teach, talk, and decorate house with a person without feeling something for them in the process. When Tom broke the vase and tried to repair it, terrified and guilty, Harry's pity and attachment won out. In that moment, he saw a little fragile boy who was never loved and who craved approval and acceptance. And Harry was determined to give it to him.

For a while, like you said, Tom was rude and condescending. But he showed he's capable of regret and remorse. He tried to heal Harry after hurting him; he listened to him with fascination during lessons and was willing to change his ideas; he laughed and cooked with him. Affection got stronger, and with it, what seemed annoying started to come across like lovable quirks. Harry despised Tom's showing-off at first, but then, after he got used to him and his company, he started finding it funny and endearing. He invested all of himself into this child, making him into his life goal - he couldn't not love him. He started to live for the small moments of Tom's affection and acceptance. His love for Ron, Hermione, his parents, Sirius - it combined and focused on Tom alone because in many ways, Tom was the key to making sure that when these people are born, they live a fulfilling and happy life. In Harry's mind, the more he loved Tom, the more chances of succeeding he had, and then the boundaries of this love started to blur, and Tom began to genuinely outshine every other person he has ever known because he was there and others were not.

When Gringotts happened and Tom's perception shifted, Harry was showered with his absolute devotion and focus. You said that you don't see anything good in Tom, but Harry does - and it's also important to remember that before Beth, Tom was very careful about not letting him see his real face. In Harry's eyes, Tom learned to help others, like when he offered his hand to a Muggle boy. He discarded the ideas of blood superiority and developed a far more moral outlook.  He learned to be caring, worrying about Harry when he's sick, making potions for him, covering him with a blanket at night, helping other students, achieving equality, etc. Tom's devotion is a completely irresistible thing to Harry because he's always been responsive to kindness, no matter how limited it was.

After Beth, it was already too late for him. Love and empathy are a terrible weapon in  Harry's case: he can't just unlove someone who has become his main life purpose. The only way is to try to understand Tom, and as long as this understanding exists, Harry finds an ability to forgive him.

You said Tom has done nothing but make him suffer, but for Harry, that's not true. 80% of time he spends with Tom is the happiest time of his life. Tom became the only person in his world, the person Harry poured of all his love, loneliness, and longing into. Tom is a family Harry never had. He was a child Harry could relate to, so he spoiled him, argued with him, shopped with him, and basked in the happiness of making him smile; Tom was a friend ready to listen and reassure, to discuss how their days passed, to do something fun together; now, Tom has started to slowly growing into something more. The celebrations, the shopping, the holidays, the flying - all these are happy memories for Harry. The only major instances of pain were Beth and now Charlus. Harry feels shattered every time Tom comes close to acting on his darkness, but as compared to the time they spend together, happiness still exceeds the heartbreak.  

When it comes to breaking his limits, Harry doesn't forgive easily. He didn't speak to Tom 6 months after Beth and he subjected him to a terrible trauma as punishment; the thought of Tom killing Charlus almost drove him crazy, but he couldn't ignore the fact that it happened before the system and that Tom has been trying since then. After the ritual, Harry leaves - and yes, I can assure you that forgiveness is definitely not coming any time soon! Although as the toxic cycle of their relationship shows, Harry can't really stay away from Tom indefinitely either.  

Harry is happy with Tom, and he knows Tom loves him. He understands that Tom is a psychopath and that ordinary criteria cannot apply to him, and so he struggles with making sure that Tom follows a lighter path while praising him every time there is some progress. In many ways, Harry succeeded: Tom is not planning on massive destruction. He doesn't discriminate; he made sure that other purebloods became more tolerant; he still wants power, but he's getting to it in ways that don't presuppose violence and murder. Every time Tom shows darkness, it's in an instance concerning Harry.

Harry loves being loved, even though Tom's love is not healthy. He loves being protected because this is something he missed severely in his first life. A big part of him wants to be taken care of, to let go and just enjoy life without constantly having to make difficult decisions. Tom gives him that, and under some conditions, they could be happy together, finding a perfect balance.

Alas, it's not going to happen any time soon (or maybe at all ;)!    

[3416]

long rant on very poorly worded concepts of intersectional feminism from someone who has only tried to learn about it through the internet and other women i talk to.. below the cut and by request. this is only me trying to make sense of things myself and encouraging others to think a lil more deeply than maybe they have.. IF you’re not into that don’t read but some of you maybe should get a different perspective.

if people are seeing themselves in kato already in shit she’s doing... i think that’s semi the point (even though we know nothing abt her yet). she’s a teenage girl using teenage girl apps like tik tok. where i DON’T think most people can see themselves in her (in a way that they’re literally supposed to according to the whole purpose of this god damn show).. is her physical appearance, and that’s........ not a derogatory reflection on her? she’s a literal model??? skam is a show about teenagers..... and for teenagers....... and american tv has taught me a lot of things, but it is all too isolating to grow up only watching modelesque people on screens and thinking that is something you have to achieve in order to be worthy. and i think something people don’t understand is that... models and people who fit the beauty standard are NEVER going to have to face THAT kind of isolation about themselves. everyone has insecurity but beautiful people do not suffer actual consequences pertaining their looks despite how they feel about themselves. and it sucks??? bc everyone does internally... have their own problems ??? no empathetic person would ever disagree with that??? but in the same way that the skinny shaming vs fat shaming argument works.......... like making fun of any person alive is just.. kind of fucked up and we all need to examine why we have tendencies to do that, but skinny people aren’t discriminated against because of jokes about how they need to eat, in the way that fat people can be denied medical service and jobs and are societally seen as lesser....... it’s like the same concept applies for conventionally attractive people. you face your own demons, we all do, but there is an immediate defensiveness that comes from fear of your own problems being dismissed and it’s like....... how much coddling do we have to do before you get that in the way of insecurities.. we all fucking have them, but in the way of actual............ Real Life Consequences of things out of our control.................. some people do not face them... and should not be put at the helm of them in any capacity........ and even MORE dire than all that.... race plays the biggest fucking part and i can’t even talk in depth about it bc i don’t experience, you guessed it, racial discrimination! i’m white, and i’m here to listen about issues of racial injustice and lack of representation without trying to say i know better than someone who has actually dealt with it. i try to understand and when no one is else is talking, i try to bring it up, and my post yesterday about race was only loud bc i didn’t see anyone putting succinct opinions out there, but feel free to correct me if what i said was wrong. and some of you white skinny conventionally attractive people need to sit down and be willing to listen to other people when it comes to their disappointment in ANY kind of lack of representation bc YOU DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you’ve got the most privilege of anyone if you’re afforded characters time and time again that look act sound like you in any way. it’s not about points or who has it worse than others but movements like feminism are built on the need for change.. not some pretty little saying you can throw up when you don’t like what you’re hearing. and feminism isn’t just being like. because she is a woman: good. it’s about being critical of WHY some women are upheld and applauded instead of others? about WHY we see so many more types like kato than anyone else on our tv screens? about WHY that should change and the methods to change it. not excusing every casting and decision made by wtfock. it’s not about tearing women down, but a couple frustrated comments about how someone can’t dance isn’t tearing a woman down and it’s not sexism and yall need to stop lmao. she’s gonna keep on dancing ... she’s gonna keep getting paid for it, AND i’d be willing to bet ya not even a single feeling of hers is hurt bc some people on the most obscure form of social media are tired of white tik tok dancers and not feeling represented. in a show... THAT IS LEGITIMATELY SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THAT.... PLEASE. it’s a movement. it’s about change and there’s a lot more at play than just gender (race, class, physical appearance, religion, sexuality, you could fucking go on and on lmao). it’s not an excuse to defend a tv show and a character that you don’t know about just as much as anyone else. kato’s season could be good, it really could. but wtfock’s choice was deliberate... they went for the most fucking common type of representation on tv, and just last week,,, yall were so hype about race playing a part in the season. but turns out you can’t come to understand why people think maybe it’s not a good idea to try to tell those stories through the eyes of one of the most privileged people you can be. and you don’t understand that frustration coming out in dumb comments about how she can’t dance..... on a platform she cannot see it........ when her post is already filled with love. it’s just frustration but your refusal to understand that frustration and turn it into something to crusade against even tho it’s.. not that big of deal,... is like . missing the point entirely.

[kihyunswrath]

@all kpop fandoms in this shithole of a website

ugh my wrath for this entire MX situation is growing again especially after seeing this one fucking shitbitch twitter account going way overboard with their attempts to bully Wonho and what she said is absolutely irrelevant and I’m not about to bring that up now, but let’s just say this.

I am absolutely done with y’all. 

I’m not ok with this silence from Starship, this lying and covering things up, this forcing MX members to continue without breaks, this absolutely insane spineless cowardice Starship has been practicing, but at LEAST some of those things are kind of written into their work contracts and are indeed tied to legal stuff, WHEREAS.

WHEREAS other groups’ “fans” who are literally having fun at the expense of idols who are suffering unfairly, just because they now have one “threat” less to their own group’s success, was totally voluntary? THAT QUITE LITERALLY WAS AN EXTRA USELESS EFFORT YOU FOR CERTAIN DID NOT EVEN GET PAID FOR?

fuck that. your own favourite oppas absolutely loathe you all and probably hope they could smear pig shit on your disgusting faces and then walk all over you BECAUSE THEY KNOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO THEM TOO. are you literally THAT deep in your own stinky asshole to even notice that whatever happens to one group happens basically to ALL of them? 

there’s not a single group out there, not even fucking angelic idol lords BTS, Exo and others who are doing good at the moment, who’s safe from being treated unfairly and inhumanely by their company or their worst bullies and haters. and the same goes to literally ANY and EVERY group that’s currently active or has ever been active. with 99% chance every single idol is suffering from mental illnesses, physical injuries, sleep deprivation, malnutrition and literal PTSD and if they don’t realize it now, they will after they’re done with their careers. AND I AM NOT FUCKING JOKING OR EXAGGERATING HERE, not in the slightest.  

this entire movement for Wonho became so huge at first precisely BECAUSE most of us do love and have loved other groups too and we have ALL seen so much suffering going on in the industry. we hoped our voices could finally bring some reason to it, that since we are the paying customers, we might try to show kpop companies and obviously Starship we are tired of this conservative, capitalist slave trade fuckery and that we are ready to fund better ways to manage things THE SECOND THE COMPANIES REALIZE THAT. this movement became so huge because we KNEW Wonho has been one of the kindest, friendliest and warm-hearted people to ever exist and now that we saw things happening to him, it for fucking certain means absolutely no one is safe. 

if you genuinely love and care for your own idols, whoever they may be, for fuck’s sake DO NOT BE SO NAIVE THAT YOU THINK your idols are somehow immune to being hurt. do not think they can’t be attacked and destroyed by literally anyone who just wants that hard enough. do not think your idols are not already scared shitless that this happens to them. do not think your idols are not already mourning for other friends and colleagues they lost, whose dreams got crushed, who disappeared into nothigness, who got punished for mundane bullshit every single person in this wretched fucking planet is guilty of. 

if you do not want to change your idols’ lives for the better, if you don’t want to advocate for better times, if you think bullying other idols is somehow helping your own favourite group become bigger THE ABSOLUTE LEAST THING YOU SHOULD REALIZE IS THIS: the only one you truly hurt with that is that group you’re rooting for. you may make other fans pissed off and that may satisfy you now, but i know that your short-sighted ass haven’t thought things through, so let me put it out there clear as crystal for you:

one day it’s your fav oppa/eonni who gets attacked, silenced, shunned, beaten up, paid less than what he/she deserved, taken down from his/her pedestal. it might drive him/her into madness, it might cause him/her to want to hurt himself/herself. and you will feel helpless, especially because there isn’t many to join to fight alongside you, because there isn’t anyone left who truly feels empathetic for you. 

that day does come, because this industry doesn’t give two shits about their idols, and every idol, if nothing else happens to them before, has an expiration date. and if not before, at least right after that they’re treated like absolute trash.

also maybe you haven’t educated yourself about absolutely anything ever, but no matter all the apparent competition you see happening in the kpop industry, it’s all a facade. all the people who actually gain money out of the industry are in the same fucking boat. that boat tries to present the economy, politics and culture of South Korea under a positive light, that boat is making anything Korean into a brand you’d want to keep supporting without thinking what lies underneath. the kpop groups fighting against each other is an illusion, because they are ALL playing the SAME FUCKING GAME. their companies. are. one. and. the. same. capitalist. force. 

so maybe think again before you start making bloody wars about which idol group is better than all the others. that’s ridiculously naive and plays straight into their hands.

now if you’re one of those people this post is actually talking about, hurry back to your tumblr and twitter and wherever and remove those “jokes” you made about other idol groups, those witty remarks you wrote, those edgelord insults you came up with and maybe, at the end, for fuck’s sake, stop pretending you truly care about absolutely anyone but yourself. stop pretending you’re a fan of absolutely anybody. just. full stop. 

[feingeister]

How have your thoughts on the outing scene changed?

this is very long, unstructured and rambly, so i doubt anyone will want to read it, but your answer is under the cut.

(triggerwarning up here bc tumblr sucks: discussions of homophobia and transphobia)

i think initially, people hated the outing scene so much because we really, really didn’t expect it and because it was a shitty ending to a shitty episode. watching this show in real time is always a little rougher and a lot more intense and at that point it had been weeks since we last saw a smiling david (i think maybe we even had a counter for that?? lmao). to clarify, i’m not saying that anyone overreacted, but when this fandom is pissed off, it sometimes tends to go all out in ways i don’t necessarily agree with.

so basically, i moved from being angry and disappointed in the outing scene, to still not liking it but also being a little defensive over it, because i think the way some people talk about it is not entirely fair. i’ve seen a lot of people claim that david was outed for shock value and drama, just to get cis and/or straight viewers to sympathize with him. that’s a trope that’s been talked about a lot on this site and it is very rightfully criticized. i think that’s maybe why a lot of people interpreted this scene the way they did.

the whole “make lgbt people suffer in media so straight people will realize that we’re fucked and maybe have some goddamn sympathy” trope exists for a good reason, it did use to be a legitimate cry for help. nowadays, it doesn’t really work anymore because it is overdone and pretty much exclusively targeted at cishet people, when lgbt narratives should be targeted at or at least be watchable for lgbt viewers. i know that some lgbt people feel seen by that kind of content and find comfort in having their suffering reflected back at them, and while i can respect that, the trope obviously does more harm than good. what it does to most lgbt people is that they see how much their life sucks – which they already knew, they’re living it – and the message is that they’re probably gonna die unhappy or lonely or brutally murdered. there is also something very humiliating about constantly begging for other’s sympathy when you’d have every reason to despise them for letting you die by the masses and calling it a divine cleansing or whatever the fuck.  

to get back to the topic at hand – the problem with lgbt narratives in media in my opinion is not that lgbt characters have to suffer through hardships, it is that they are never rewarded for their suffering and they never find happiness, the only one being rewarded is the cishet viewer who gets to feel very kind and empathetic because they cried over one of the gays™ .

(there is also the problem that a lot of these narratives center around suffering when they really don’t have to, but i don’t think you can necessarily blame well written stories with a darker tone for that problem.)

i can’t tell anyone that david wasn’t outed for drama – of course he was, it’s a tv show – and that it wasn’t at least partially targeted at straight/cis people but this experience is a pretty central part to his narrative, he gets to properly deal with it and he ends up very, very happy with his boyfriend and his new friends, not only in the last episode of his season but in all of season four as well.

i’ve talked about david’s story arc a lot already and how i think it’s pretty centered around his (unhealthy) coping mechanism. first, we see david isolate and hide himself away, then we think he’s opening up but he’s only really opening up to matteo because he’s romanticizing the whole “you and me against the world“ thing. when he gets outed we truly realize that he really hasn’t let go of his run&hide approach (which makes it difficult for him to form, maintain and value connections to other people) during a catastrophe, because we see the catastrophe happen and it triggers that response. it retroactively becomes clear to the viewer that even if it seemed like david was doing better (and in a lot of ways he was! i don’t want to trivialize or downplay the fact that he came out to matteo on his own terms), he has some problems that romance can’t solve.

i’m not saying that this couldn’t have happened any other way or that the outing was ~absolutely necessary~, but you all know that i loooove the second pool scene and what it means for davids story. even if i don’t like the outing scene i can acknowledge that it does serve the narrative pretty solidly, which is why i don’t agree with the “only for drama” argument. in his talk with matteo, david finally makes the choice to rely on the support system that he has and it’s his step towards recovery. and it’s – again - a very solid narrative, it’s not “well you went through some shit and survived and now you’re badass”, its “your trauma doesn’t define you and even if you go through some shit, there are people who will love and support you and in loving them back you will find happiness, growth and recovery”.

ultimately, david’s arc doesn’t leave anyone feeling like life sucks and you just have to deal with it, it leaves with the message that even if things do suck, you can survive and be happy. so there, to me, lies the difference between the trope i talked about earlier and this storyline. instead of just showing a trans individual suffering to benefit cis people, this narrative acknowledges the suffering that trans people do face but it gives their character a happy ending, so anyone who might see themselves in david’s struggles, can also see themselves in his happy end, even if the latter is not (yet) a reality for them.

some other things i appreciate: david isn’t outed to us in that scene, his identity isn’t used as shock value, it’s not overly cruel and it’s very clear that outing someone, even if some people sympathize and no one outwardly attacks him, is a horrible and violent experience. but you know… is the bar really low enough for me to praise that?

all that being said, i’m absolutely not telling anyone how to feel, i don’t have the authority to do that and i don’t want to do that either. i really do understand why many people have an issue with this storyline and there are definitely things you can criticize about the scene. even if it was perfectly written, no one should have to justify not liking the scene and/or feeling hurt by it.

looking back, i don’t necessarily think that it doesn’t fit the tone of the show, but at the time we as a fandom didn’t really expect it and when these narratives come out of nowhere, they’re especially hurtful. and the whole thing did seem overdramatic – who filmed that exchange with mr. neuhaus? why are they only posting it now? why are they posting it at all? why did everyone immediately go and look at it and why is this all (in-)conveniently happening just as matteo is about to pick david up from school? and why is episode eight in general so shitty and weird?

aaaand lastly i just want to mention that i do realize how showing characters grow through things that are done to them can be a bit of a problematic narrative, because it could romanticize these experiences and give off a bit of a “you should be happy that you suffered because it made you stronger!! 😊” vibe, which is shitty, because trauma is trauma, no one deserves to go through it and no one should have to go through it just to “grow”. but you know, at least david never thanked anyone for outing him so we at least have that!

 that’s it, you can come for me now.

[haribojelee]

Episode 13 of Season 2 has finally convinced me: Mob Psycho has cemented its place as my favorite anime of all time, and Mob, as my favorite anime protagonist.

I was iffy about starting it in the beginning, because I was one of the people who were put off by its art style. I’d only seen still images of the anime, and the drawings looked simple and were not at all what I was used to seeing in anime shows. On a whim, while searching for a new show to watch after I was done binging MHA, I watched the first two episodes a couple weeks ago.

I would like to say that it hooked me in right away, but that wasn’t the case. Rather, it was more of a slow pull; nothing about the show immediately caught my attention (other than the gorgeous scenes of Mob exorcising spirits, the colors and movement of the camera were incredible), but I kept coming back to it. I grew to appreciate the art style and came to realize how incredible the animation of this show really was. The simple designs of the characters didn’t detract from their expressions and personalities, but rather added to them; the animators could stretch the characters’ facial expressions to ridiculous levels to convey the most extreme of emotions and it still didn’t seem out of place because it was fitting for the art style. The characters could take up more interesting and dynamic poses and have a variety of body languages because the animators could focus more on the details of bodily expression rather than on complex character design. You could see that evidently in the way that a character like Reigen moves: his fluid stride, his expressive gestures. The character that seemed most immune to this, though, was Mob, the main character, the one that I should have been getting attached to the most... and though I liked Mob a lot, he wasn’t my favorite character of the show by the end of Season 1. The moments where I really did appreciate his character were during his rare displays of emotions: things like his emotional breakdown after his fight with Hanazawa and his guttural cry of “Riiitsuuuuu!!!” when Koyama attempted to take his brother. Most of the time, though, he was as stiff as a board, even during fight scenes, and it’s hard to get attached to a character who so rarely shows emotions (at least for me), because a part of following a character throughout their journey is seeing how outside events affect them and how they learn to grow from them. But that was also a part of his characterization and I understand that. Besides, that all built up to Season 2.

So, I finished Season 1, and I really wanted to have an out of body experience and dropkick myself in the face because how the hell did I let my biases against what I construed as “rudimentary art styles” keep me from enjoying a show this good for so long? And man, Season 2—

From the first episode, we get the sense that this season will be about Mob’s growth as a person. The first thing we see in this season is how he defeats an evil spirit by learning from it, rather than passively exorcising it. The scene where he gets teary-eyed while picking up the scraps of Emi’s notebook, saying, “I made the decision to consider my feelings more. And you need to pick up things you feel are important,” hits me like a tidal wave every time (and might I add how phenomenal Itou Setsuo’s voice acting is and how fitting it is for Mob’s character?). Throughout the beginning of this season, Mob starts to assert and question more things: who am I to exorcise a family of ghosts who are only living peacefully? Who’s going to stop me if I’m overcome with power? Won’t even a fake curse still have some effect on how the client thinks about the situation? He asserts that he doesn’t want to exorcise the ghosts. He questions whether Reigen was right in simply waving off the client with a fake curse. He decides that he wants to save Minori and is determined to. He’s adamant in his belief that rather than hurting people who are in the wrong, the best route of solution is to help them change. That’s why he forgives Minori for her shitty actions. He’s upset at Reigen for dismissing him and ignoring his growth so he decides to let it be shown. He forgives Reigen because he knows that Reigen is a good person, even though sometimes he can be inconsiderate toward him. His growth is most outrightly shown when he says he wants to confess to Tsubomi after getting in the top 10 at the school marathon. He has goals. He’s determined. Whereas in the beginning of Season 1, he wasn’t even able to decide by himself whether he wanted to join an extracurricular club or not.

When Mogami wants to get rid of Minegishi, Mob so firmly believes that he can change and, though he can’t completely trust Minegishi to follow through, he has to have faith that he will. Mogami reluctantly lets Minegishi go, while instilling that Mob’s kindness will not always be the answer and that it’ll be necessary to be hard on people. And Mob takes this to heart, too, as we can see when he tells Reigen and the other espers that they’ll only get in the way in his battle with Touichirou. On his way, he encounters Serizawa who, much like himself from the beginning, was isolated and in dissonance with his psychic abilities. He conveys to him all of the things that he learned through his journey and helps him change; he recognizes that the relationships he built throughout the story has made him grow as a person, and that Serizawa too can grow from it if he just has the right people surrounding him. He offers to be just that, a friend, a person who can understand the things that Serizawa is going through, because that’s what helped him out of his isolated state.

And finally, episode 13, what a fucking trip. Mob goes through so many emotions in just this one episode than we’ve seen from him over the course of two seasons. For the first time, we see him in pure ecstasy, because for the first time, he can truly unleash his powers, untethered by the fear of hurting those around him. We don’t expect to see him smile like that after Touichirou bombards him with fallen building blocks and laser beams and when we see it as the camera zooms in on his face, it’s chilling, almost scary. We’ve never seen Mob like that before. But as he catches a glimpse of Ritsu, he’s lurched back into reality and we see his shame as he’s hunched over on a piece of falling rock. Touichirou’s powers turn him into a bestial, otherwordly being while Mob keeps his form as he goes through multiple emotions at 100%. I’m glad that he never reaches ???% during this fight, because having a subconscious part of him that he has no control over take part in this fight would defeat the purpose of showing his growth; feeling his emotions at 100% without letting them get loose is a result of, I think, the things that tether Mob to his reality. Things like the Body Improvement Club (”Body improvement!!! Fight on!!!!!” omg that had me in pieces), Tsubomi (”I also have someone I need to express my feelings to!”), his brother, Hanazawa, Reigen, all keep him grounded. We see his ideal that he’s kept from the beginning (♫ I keep my ideals sorezore ♫—oh wrong anime) when he says to Touichirou, as he sits in a barrier within a coming explosion: “Just having powers doesn’t mean everything will work out for you.” And something he’s learned along the way: “That’s perfectly fine, as long as you make the important choices yourself.”

And that’s the line that made me completely fall in love with Mob’s character. Here’s the awkward kid who, in the beginning, had to call Reigen to ask if he should join a club, was fooled so easily into attending a cult by a woman who guessed his worries wrong three times, was torn between using his powers against Claw because he couldn’t decide whether he should listen to Reigen or his brother and Hanazawa, was too easily convinced to run for student council president and ended up making a fool of himself. He learns to make his own important choices and we see that so clearly. He makes the choice to run the marathon with his own physical abilities instead of listening to Mezato. He makes the choice to go after Touichirou alone. He makes the choice to stay with Touichirou and help him. And the scene of Mob trying to absorb Touichirou’s explosion, even with the pain of it, is a frightening yet heart-wrenching moment exactly because this is where all of his growth has led him to; he’s determined, empathetic, self-sacrificial, and yes, it’s painful to be in the presence of such a powerful explosion but it’s less painful than letting this man suffer through it by himself.

And when I look back at who Mob was in the beginning, that emotionally stifled 14-year-old boy, it makes this kind of development so much more meaningful because it shows just how far he’s come as a character. Mob’s character development is by far my favorite in any show I’ve watched so far. I think a lot of shounen anime tends to focus on the “power of friendship!” “teamwork!” and overall the idea that all is better than one, and Mob Psycho focuses on that, too, of course, because we see how people like Reigen, Hanazawa, Ritsu, and the Body Improvement Club have changed him. But the most significant thing about Mob’s change is his recognition of the importance of independence and autonomy, too; the ability to make his own decisions, to weigh his own consequences, to balance and prioritize what’s important to him. Maybe that’s a simple, self-explanatory thing, something so small that we tend to forget, but in Mob, the realization of it made the biggest difference.

(I may have had to write this because I have no irl friends watching this show and I needed to put all of these pent-up emotions somewhere. It turned out too long lol.)

[fazbearsfrights]

hey rick tell me. abt your aubergine man. show will to the world

you got it ;)

@bunnyworme

IT’S HIM, THE STINKY BASTARD MAN. he’s meant to look like michael because, y’know, sister location. for reference, here’s my mikey boi! there are some differences here and there, though (i.e. deathly pale, darker hair, sliiightly different haircut, green eyes, bigger nose, etc. also before / when he first opens fredbear’s he’s a LOT chubbier but he uh…loses a lot of weight after certain events. we’ll get into that tho!).

LET’S GET INTO TIMELINE AND PLOT…

SO what’s really important to me here is the stuff just before and after fredbear’s/freddy’s and the afton family, mainly because i haven’t thought up much stuff before then (though i really should - i don’t really even have a solid character in mind for his wife at the moment).

anyhow, william’s family consists of himself, mrs. afton, michael, and elizabeth. william is FAR from the best father, and certain incidents where he lashed out at his own children (particularly michael) led his wife to threaten to leave him at certain points. but william is nothing if not a good manipulator and convincing pathological liar, and he convinced her to stay for a good while before she ultimately did gather the courage to leave. she pleaded for michael and elizabeth to come with her, but elizabeth - desperate for her father’s attention, and always unharmed, unlike michael - chose to stay instead. and being the protective brother he was, michael chose to stick with his sister, despite wishing he could do otherwise. once the divorce was finalized, though, she got custody of them every so often - weekly, which left william feeling…conflicted. that being said, this situation takes place over the course of time, in tandem with the fredbear’s/freddy’s stuff.

at some point in this part of his life, he met henry - a small-time inventor who was incredibly talented, but toiled his days away on miscellaneous small projects, either toys for his children or crafts he could sell for a small fortune (which, sometimes, were toys that his kids had rejected). william, by now, was a bit of an entrepreneur who was looking for a new project - and although it wasn’t obvious at this point, he’d struck gold. over time, their friendship grew, with william wrapping his new acquaintance around his little finger (both intentionally and unintentionally, due to him genuinely growing attached - over time, he grew to admire henry in all sorts of ways). and in the end, some time after learning of his buddy’s talents…he decided it was time for a brilliant idea.

they were both struggling a bit financially, but if they sunk all of their savings into this idea, he was certain it would pay off. “fredbear’s family diner” (although it wasn’t titled at the time, merely a concept) - a family-friendly diner, featuring costumed mascots, like a dinner theater. when henry nervously said that there was no way they could support the salary of costumed workers, william eagerly suggested that they could play the roles, to which henry protested again - they didn’t have the time, especially not if they would be managing the business! eventually they settled on a compromise. henry would be designing a suit that could double as a costume AND an animatronic, like the robotic toys he developed for his children…a springlock suit.

it took ages, with henry tinkering until he developed the first springlock, then a prototype suit, then designs of characters until he and william could both agree, then suits of fredbear and spring bonnie. the two characters who would lead the restaurant. by now, henry was thrilled by this idea and the delight it would bring to not only his kids (who were already excited by the characters he’d been creating) but the kids around their town, and william was simply in it for the money right now (and ultimately, nefarious purposes). still, the two of them smiled on their (henry’s) work at the end of the day, and eagerly started work on the restaurant.

another long while passed, and the financial struggles that its construction caused stirred serious turmoil in the afton family that william had to fan down. henry had similar troubles, but finally, the diner was COMPLETE. the stage was set! his two springlock suits were brought in and placed, and the diner opened the next day. they had a rough time getting word about the diner out, but once it did, it spread like wildfire. it was New to everyone around, especially because of the way the mascots could “change” their styles of dancing. they could even sing! people were impressed, and it was a good thing too, because they really needed that cash.

time passed, and the diner’s popularity grew, and william was pretty happy with how things turned out…for the most part. by now, his familial troubles were getting really rough - things were settling down now, but he wasn’t a better person at home whatsoever. his wife was getting ready to leave (for real) and That was tearing him apart on the inside, despite what success he had from fredbear’s, which was all he seemed to care about now anyway (aside from his relationship with henry). when she finally did leave, he started to snap for the first time and started to lash out at everyone, especially henry. it was the first time the two of them had ever had a real argument, since william had endeavored to keep himself on his “best behavior” because he didn’t want to lose him - and yet here he was, projecting his feelings for why his wife left him onto his best friend, and yelling at him for his unfounded fear that he would leave him too.

the next day, william outwardly gathered himself for henry’s sake and apologized, then explained the situation at home (but twisted the story so that it favored him - it wasn’t his fault she was leaving him, she was the one who manipulated and abused him, etc). and upon hearing all that, being the empathetic soul he is, henry was ofc like “oh worm im so sorry????” and wound up trying to COMFORT him bc he’s baby. and once again, william had him wrapped around his little finger.

now, when his divorce was finalized and his custody of the kids got kinda fucked, and his wife got her first week with them, he snapped yet again. only this time, it was MUCH, MUCH worse. yet again, his meltdown involved henry (or rather, his family), and it was meant to be a cathartic moment - if my family can’t be happy, if i can’t be happy, neither can he. so when one of his henry’s twins wound up locked outside of the diner, he smiled at her - a familiar face for her, as henry’s best friend, and comforted her for a moment…just before stabbing her. and as she bled out on the pavement, he felt no remorse or sadness…in fact, his only concern was that henry might be nearby, since one of his damn kids was. so he haphazardly dragged her toward the back, near the dumpster, barely concealing her under some trashbags, and smiled as he loomed over her pathetically covered corpse. henry would be just as miserable as him now.

william changed into his “professional” outfit in the car, then scrubbed his hands clean in the bathroom the first chance he got, despite wearing gloves at the time of the murder. not even a few hours into the work day, he was being pestered by henry about the whereabouts of his daughter - he didn’t even know a parent could be so paranoid. master manipulator that he was, he assured his friend that she must’ve been around somewhere, probably playing with sammy or one of the other kids, or heck, maybe even playing hide-and-seek. kids are unpredictable! that seemed to ease his worries just enough for the time being, but in the meantime, he just chuckled to himself, knowing what a fool the man was and what panic and misery would ensue the second he knew what fate his daughter had met.

as anticipated, over the next few days, henry’s misery drastically intensified - she went from “missing” to “found” in what felt like a matter of moments, and all the while, william was his only pillar of support. and he was loving every second of it. being able to comfort him on his darkest days, hearing the weak “thank you”s every time he listened to the pitiful man’s venting, the long and anguished hugs. of course, it wasn’t because he was being a friend to him (although part of him did yearn for a closer relationship with henry like this) - it was because he was towering over him in a position of power, because now he was the one “on top.” henry was the one suffering now, moreso than him, and he would never be able to recover. in fact, william was doing better than ever - killing charlie seemed to instill him with more confidence than ever, and he LIKED that feeling.

henry became more and more disheveled, showing up to work in stained flannel and mussed up hair, bags under his red eyes because he’d been crying all night. this pattern continued for a long time, but the crying eventually stopped, though his sorrow was replaced by a deeply-seeded paranoia regarding his own diner. he feared the place, and feared his kids ever visiting it, despite him practically opening it up for them. and yet…none of his suspicions were placed on william. not the one person who’d comforted him in his darkest days, no. not his best friend. that man would never betray him.

eventually (after a bit of an expansion, thanks to some convincing on will’s part - new characters would make the place brand new, make him forget), the diner claimed another victim, and it wasn’t even by william’s own hand, much to his own surprise. another one of henry’s kids, funnily enough (from will’s perspective). he had to witness the man’s grieving process all over again, and support him all over again, all the while trying not to smirk as he towered atop him - when henry suffered, he felt higher than ever before, even though he loved the man to death. 

with this death, however, henry officially decided that it was high time that the diner closed down. he couldn’t bear another death on his hands - not another child of his, especially. he’d grieved enough, and he only had one left. even so, william wouldn’t give up. he convinced henry to create another restaurant, finally, but henry refused to make the animatronics himself…he didn’t trust himself anymore.

and so marked the first time that william invented animatronics of his own, with henry’s help. and once again, his ego soared, as he took to the inventing game rather rapidly - even henry remarked that he was impressed. his models were plastic, unlike henry’s fuzzy and soft ones, and he insisted that they would be more “kid-friendly” and fitted with safer technology to keep him happy. so, the 1987 restaurant was opened, and the toy models took over while the withered animatronics rotted in the back room.

in the meantime, william got to Killin for realsies. charlie was like…a warm up, but this was the real deal. he got sloppy, though, not realizing that his own tech would recognize Him as a criminal if he killed in front of them. in fact, it shouldn’t have been technologically possible. one of his creations - the toy version of foxy, and what would ultimately be the prototype of funtime foxy (mangle) - even recorded audio of him in the act. so, to keep them all in order, he tampered with their facial recognition software. then, he dismantled the mangle beyond repair, then passed it off to everyone around him as something the children did.

although william didn’t have much of a real motive for killing this time around, his interest was piqued when he overheard henry’s oldest son - an employee of the establishment - discussing issues with the current night guard, and how he complained about the animatronic’s behavior during the night. it might not mean much to anyone else, but the way they acted made it seem like they were aware. sentient, perhaps. and their behavior over the ensuing weeks made that possibility feel more and more likely - they stared at staff almost maliciously, and adults in general, but behaved normally around kids. and that caused him to wonder if there was any chance whether the spirits of the kids themselves could’ve tethered themselves and possessed the things.

regardless, when henry realized that more kids were going missing in this restaurant, he started to lose it again. he couldn’t keep it together anymore - and eventually, he managed to figure out just who was behind it all. and although william did his best to keep it together, and sway him otherwise, and smooth-talk him out of it, henry continued to push and push until he snapped and called him out for the liar and the monster that he was. with that, henry truly DID leave him - in fact, he’d left a suicide note, but he just disappeared. no body was ever found.

but despite everything, all the misery william put him through, all the intentional torture, william found himself absolutely devastated by that loss. and for once, he seemed to be genuinely saddened by it; instead of lashing out at others, as he was wont to do, he seemed to lash out at himself. he was a pretty rotund lad back in the day of fredbear’s and the 1987 freddy’s restaurant, but he grew incredibly, deathly thin in the months after henry left. a few new scars had gathered on his wrists by the end of the year. he grew more unkempt, just as henry had just after his losses.

but in time…he recovered. he grew to turn his sorrow and saudade into unbridled hatred. he didn’t need henry, he NEVER did. and to prove it, he made his own franchise and his own robotics company in 1990 - “circus baby’s pizza” and “afton robotics, llc.”, respectively. when his daughter’s interest was piqued after seeing him work on circus baby for the first time, he even encouraged her by telling her that circus baby was being made for her. that wasn’t the case, obviously, but it made her giddy and it would ultimately make her excited enough to possibly spread the word about the upcoming restaurant to her little friends.

finally, circus baby’s restaurant was open to the public - and unbeknownst to them, it was essentially a haven for child murder, just as william had planned for it to be. each of the animatronics had their own mechanisms for luring children away and for ensnaring them, and essentially all he had to do was watch the chaos unfold. this time around, it was an “experiment” of sorts - he wanted to see whether the kids really would possess the robots if they were killed inside of them, test out different methods, etc. as toy chica would say, though, “there is only one thing that could possibly go wrong…”

although william hadn’t been the best father, there is some part of him that did care about his kids. especially elizabeth, his “favorite” child. he may have ignored her - a lot - especially in favor of his work, as of late, but he did love her. and so when she ignored his constant warnings, his incessant pleading for her to stay away from circus baby, only to be snatched up the second she walked up to her…well. he was devastated, yet again.

he should’ve seen it coming, really, especially after telling her that he’d created circus baby “just for her.” but of course he hadn’t thought it through, and now she was gone. it was like he was reliving what he’d done to henry, wasn’t it? karma’s a bitch, ain’t it, afton.

he closed down circus baby’s after that single incident, and started working on an underground facility for the animatronics to be stored while his own mental state started to deteriorate more and more, since he was in almost complete isolation - not even his own son came to see him anymore now that he was entirely independent by now.

around this time, the next freddy’s opened up - the owner just so happened to be henry’s oldest son, the only apparent survivor of the tragedies that befell his family. this IMMEDIATELY caught william’s attention, and reignited the grudge he felt toward henry and his family all over again. he’d get “revenge” for what was done to him, and even to his daughter - at least, that was how it was justified in his twisted mind.

he applied for a job as a dayshift worker under an alias, since he would be recognized otherwise. thankfully, his appearance had changed SO drastically over the years that even henry’s kid - who’d spent so much time around him back in the day - couldn’t piece his identity together. not at first, anyway…but by then, it was too late. he got to work with his usual pattern - luring kids away with the suit they kept in the back room, then stuffing them into the animatronics.

fortunately for him, this could be the experiment he missed out on when he lost his daughter and closed his own restaurant down. and he didn’t have to pay the price for it - henry’s franchise, son, and overall legacy did. he kept a keen eye on the animatronics’ behavior both before and after the children were killed, and he was fascinated to find that they were indeed haunted. something about the semi-conscious bodies being tethered to metal caused their souls to become tethered, too - which led to events like this. 

in fact, their behavior got so aggressive that they started hunting night guards - most of them either quit to keep their lives or mysteriously went “missing” in the night, but william knew what happened. he could see their clumsily stuffed bodies in spare suits in the back. the animatronics were getting revenge for what happened to them, and he was intrigued. but at the same time, he was given a new hope…

he decided to re-dedicate some of his attention to circus baby and her friends with these new discoveries in mind. his resources went to staff and machinery that would allow the bunker to be automated for them - and once that was sufficient (despite a few losses here and there - what can you do? the animatronics Were designed to be killers, after all), he even started up a rental service for them. it wasn’t big, but it was a side project. and in the meantime, he contacted his son about a job offer.

it took some convincing, especially since this offer was coming from a father who had never treated his son well, but because it was about his sister - and despite the supernatural circumstances surrounding the situation - he ultimately accepted. his son would take a job at the rental place as a night technician, but his actual goal would be to find elizabeth and “put her back together.”

with all that settled, this particular freddy’s inevitably closed down FOR GOOD. after all, plenty of grieving parents had come forward, alongside customers complaining about blood and mucus seeping out of the animatronics, and the owner himself had “gone missing” during the night shift (after taking the place of his last willing night guard). and so william went in the abandoned restaurant one last time to dispose of the evidence. after dismantling all of the animatronics and retreating to the safe room, however, he was met with the ghosts of the children he’d killed - and one of them in particular started to approach him. 

he wasn’t sure what they could do, but he was frightened enough to back away until he locked eyes with his springlock suit in the corner - and he suited up one last time, positive that once they saw him as “spring bonnie,” the cheerful character that they’d loved and trusted before they died, they’d leave him alone. he made one fatal mistake, though - in his surge of confidence, he laughed to himself the second he put the suit on, which triggered the springlocks. and once one of them went off, all of them started to go off, one by one, inflicting a quite painful death - or what ought to have been one. william always comes back, y’know.

the safe room got sealed up - william never knew who did it, or why, but it seemed like a premeditated arrangement by henry’s son - and 30 years later, fazbear frights opened up and william was Pissed. he’d been locked up all that time and he was itchin for revenge…and since the emily family was gone, he was ready to take his anger out on the world around him. except there was no escape from this attraction, all over again - and there was only one person around. a “guard.”

only, when he approached the makeshift office, what did he find? the “guard” this time around was none other than his goddamn son - except that his son was barely recognizable now, deformed, corpsey, and boney. if it weren’t for the wig and the make-up to make his skin resemble…skin, he Wouldn’t have recognized him. william was a confused and angry stinky, rotting bunny.

every time he managed to make it up to the window pane just in front of the office, he slammed his animatronic paws on it demandingly and tried to speak to michael through severed vocal chords. michael, on the other hand, would wince and desperately try to lure him into another room by distracting the suit he was inside of (which still had a mind of its own, even with him being somewhat dominant) with those damn balloon boy giggles, and he would be unwittingly forced to leave.

the miserable pattern continued for a week until michael set the place ablaze, trying to get rid of the franchise’s worst mistake - william himself. of course, he failed, and william survived…and now he had a new target. his son himself. whoops. and that leads us into the final freddy’s restaurant.

a freddy fazbear’s pizza joint that michael himself opens up, to salvage all the final pieces of the fazbear franchise and get rid of them once and for all, to make sure that everyone is set free. william is, of course, one of these final pieces - and despite realizing that this must be a trap, this piques his curiosity, and he’s confident that he’ll be able to escape again. that’s what he did before.

unfortunately for him, the construction of this place was too clever for him to anticipate - a carefully-constructed labyrinth that would endlessly lure him and the others in a circle, up until the final day, where they would all meet their end in a fiery grave.

and, of course, there’s the end - where william meets his ending in hell, surrounded by the animatronics he’s gotten to know so well; some of which he’s created, some of which henry has, some of which are haunted by his victims, some of which are a product of circumstance, and some of which…are him himself. and the one orchestrating it all just so happens to be henry’s boy…sammy, represented by golden freddy, one of the most vengeful spirits there.

NOW. uh. i’m sure you’ve gotten a taste of it throughout all of this, but we can talk a lil more about his personality and stuff?

william is a very mentally ill boio, but i really like to hone in on the fact that he’s a bpd bastard because i feel like there were lots of hints about that in the books. maybe that’s just me though. i mean, the fact that he wrote stuff about henry that ranged from the dude being his idol and him loving his work to him almost hating his guts and being consumed by jealousy for his talents kinda sealed the deal for me on THAT headcanon?? so he’s got like - a debilitating fear of abandonment, acts kinda recklessly / impulsively, is INCREDIBLY antisocial, hostile, and irritable, has mood swings a-plenty, is actually VERY insecure even though he’ll never show that to anyone around him, and is really self-destructive even if he doesn’t fucking realize it. like, this man will shrug off ANY self-blame until the cows come home.

and straight down the line, i think william meets all the criteria for having antisocial personality disorder, too. disregard for right and wrong, persistent lying to exploit others, disrespecting others, manipulating others for personal gain, arrogance and a sense of superiority, CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR, impulsiveness and failure to plan ahead, hostility, aggression, violence, lack of remorse, dangerous behavior, abusive relationships, failure to consider negative consequences or learn from them, and being consistently irresponsible and failing to meet work obligations.

so he’s obviously manipulative and cruel, and a pathological liar. but well, he can be…nice when he wants to be? it’s usually when he’s first starting his relationships, but it’s never quite “right” - there’s a moment of peace while he struggles to find what his new friend/partner wants in somebody, and he’ll do anything to meet their expectations and keep them happy until they’re content enough for him to start showing his true colors. 

in his wife’s case, he was a perfect gentleman who did anything for her, but then he started getting upset with her very easily over the littlest things. things escalated drastically over time, but he apologized every time and assured her he would be better for her, bought her candy and flowers, anything to remind her of that perfect guy he was at first. and that sort of pattern continued up until they were married, and she miserably stuck with him through the arguments and bruises and incidents with her children until she finally had enough.

on a similar note, he really did care about henry (before it all went astray) - henry was his closest friend and it really showed in just how intense his attachment was to him. his depression over henry’s loss was far more intense than what he went through after his divorce. unfortunately, his affection for henry just manifested in an INCREDIBLY twisted way, with his jealousy and bitterness often taking hold more than any actual kindness he might possess. 

there’s also his kids - even though michael got the short end of the stick, william did occasionally show…some shred of affection toward him. let’s just say that a lot of the ways that michael was mistreated, beaten, and kicked while he was down was how william was treated as a kid, and those patterns took over once he had kids of his own. when he wasn’t taking out his anger on his family, he did act like a real father every so often, treating his kids to Good days at the diner and letting them play alongside henry’s kids, or playing with them himself, or just tucking them in at night and doing little things to show he did care, even a tiny bit.

and as for elizabeth, the favoritism was real. when william was working on his bigger projects, like starting up fredbear’s or actually designing and creating animatronics - those for circus baby’s pizzeria in particular - she got ignored a lot more, which always upset her, but other than that? she got PLENTY of attention. love from her dad (though his “i love you”s were always spoken so haphazardly to both of his children, whether he intended for them to sound that way or not), playtime (though he always seemed bored), and he would take her out every so often to get ice cream (her favorite). circus baby might not actually have been made for her, but one aspect of her design was certainly inspired by her - the ice cream dispenser. her father’s attitude was always what made her insecure - and there were other things behind the scenes too, like the way he threw out her drawings when she wasn’t looking (she always found them in the trash later on).

[roonilwazlibb]

KEIYNAN LONSDALE? No, that’s actually HARRY JAMES POTTER from the GOLDEN TRIO ERA. You know, the child of LILY POTTER (NEE EVANS) and JAMES POTTER? Only 22 years old, this GRYFFINDOR alumni works as an AUROR (FOR NOW) and is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. HE identifies as CIS MALE and is a HALF BLOOD who is known to be MERCURIAL, BULLHEADED, and PRIVATE but also EMPATHETIC, BOLD, and SELFLESS. — &&. ( LIZ, GMT+2, SHE/HER, 22. )

pinterest.

Instead of writing the longest intro possible I’m just gonna ignore Harry’s background BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW IT ALREADY !!!!!!!!!! thx

depression tw, death tw, war tw, PTSD tw

AFTER HOGWARTS.

So, the war is over ( a war that Harry has grown up fighting, mind you, the boy hasn’t had time for much else, has he now ? ) and people look to a teenager to continue being what he has been for the last seventeen years ( but what they’ve also rejected, when it suits the current tide of war ). But Harry James Potter doesn’t care much for being a beacon of hope ( of clarity, of light ), anymore. He’s not their symbol ( but at the same time, he knows that he will always be just that ).

The aftermath of the Battle of Hogwarts itself is a blur, for him. Tugged in every direction. Not so much a man, more of an object, something that his entire world feels entitled to. But he’s exhausted ( has he been able to breath properly for the last year, at all ? ). It’s too much for any seventeen year old, yet people expect him ( the boy who lived, never just Harry ), to carry it with gratitude, with a smile, with bravery. 

The days after the final battle, he feels very little, barely anything at all. All he really does is sleep.

The mark on his back is gone ( the one on his face isn’t ), but it doesn’t feel like it. Sure, he doesn’t have to fear for his life anymore, but the crowds are relentless. Suffocating him. He’s grieving, and all the masses ( the strangers, people who think that they know him because he’s famous ) want to do is hug him, shake his hand, clap him on the back. He tries to be understanding ( they’re grieving too, logically, he KNOWS that ). But by now, Harry is growing a little bit tired of being everyone’s emotional-support-boy-who-lived.

Anyways, a few weeks after the war ends, Harry falls off the map. Disappears from the grid. Could not be found, through any means. Some of his friends say that he rented a muggle car and drove through Europe. Others say that he just slept, refused to leave his house, so exhausted and depressed that he couldn’t be reached. Others are firm in their belief that he was busy hunting down the last of the Death Eaters. No one truly knows what Harry did, during those months. Only those closest to him have a vague idea.

He eventually returns, a little bit better. The weight on his shoulders lighter. Back to his former self ( though, he’s not quite sure who that was, this war has tried to consume him since boyhood ). His smile comes easier, it’s less weary. He has that Potter sparkle back in his gaze ( the one that makes his eyes look less like Lily’s, more likes James’, despite what the color might tell you ). He’s not at peace yet, but he will be ( his scar hasn’t hurt in months, that’s a start ).

Harry finds solace in his friends, that much has not changed. It was them he fought for, and it’s them that he continues to live for. The war never changed Harry’s capacity for love.

So, he’s back. People still look to him ( and they think that they know what he will do, ALWAYS always, always ). He can’t escape their eyes, their whispers, how they think that they know him. Most of the time, he hates it. But he’s also the type of guy to poke fun at it, doing his best to not take himself too seriously. Everything’s easier, that way.

Maybe he does it out of habit, or out of duty, but he does what he thinks will make the most people happy and joins the Aurors ( they had been nudging him in their direction ever since Voldemort fell, who wouldn’t want the famous Harry Potter in their ranks against the dark? ).

But Harry is just Harry, and Harry is so tired of being Harry Potter. For the first year after the war, the poor guy could barely go out for a drink without being mobbed, you know? The excitement eventually ebbed out ( thank god ) and became less exhausting, but it was still there, in smaller waves.

ANYWAYS ---- so he’s an auror. He doesn’t hate the work by any means, but he feels as though he has just gone from fighting one war, to fighting another. Which is really the last thing he needs right now? He still suffers from night terrors, about his friends dying, about Voldemort ( not so much Voldemort as other people remember him ----- in his dreams, Harry sees the Voldemort in limbo, at King’s Cross ). Eventually, those will go away too. Partly.

The Wizarding Wars have taken a lot of things away from Harry, and for that he is silently angry, a little bit, all the time. The war he fought may have ended —— but it’s still taking things from him. His agency, for one thing. Did he want to become an auror? Well, it would have been ONE possible path, but perhaps not the one he would have chosen first. Ever since the war, everyone just keep looking to him, to have him continue being the symbol of hope and greatness that he was during the last year of the war. But Harry is just Harry, you know?  Not much has changed since that evening when Hagrid came to get him, all those years ago. But people just assume to know what The Chosen One will do next, and Harry’s just sort of…. along for the ride, for the most part, when it comes to that and his public image. Right now, he is just doing what he thinks is right, for the greater good. He does what he thinks is expected of him, what he thinks will make the most people happy. He’s not thinking of himself, at least not yet. I don’t think Harry even realizes that he has grown resentful, a little bit bitter, angry. 

With that said, I really like the idea of post-war Harry as the biggest troll possible when it comes to the media. All those ridiculous rumors you read in the papers about The Boy Who Lived are often started by Harry himself !!!! It’s his way of gaining some of that agency back but also he just thinks it’s a fucking blast. 

Constant bad jokes about how 'he didn’t die for this’ and ‘did we really defeat Voldemort so that you could’.... are PRIME coping mechanisms too!!!! 

Never actually finished school but totally got away with it because he’s Harry Potter. Finally some perks, am I right.....

Overall, Harry IS concerned with being a good role model for the younger kiddos, but that year after the war? Harry was in a dark place, not fit for returning to school. Not fit for returning to anything, really.

Harry is a really good teacher and we ALL know this, so why isn’t this man teaching? It would be much better for his mental health too. Damn it.

With that said ----- I think this version of Harry will either continue down the auror route, eventually become head auror, but devote his life more to teaching the new aurors and reshape the auror department. BUT I have also always adored the idea of Harry returning to Hogwarts as a professor, taking up the position as the Defense against Dark Arts professor. We love full circles in this house !!!! I also think that would be really good for Harry, to be surrounded by kids ( who wouldn’t have really lived through the war, the boy who lived would just be a myth to them, it would be less dramatic, they’d soon forget that Harry has ever been anything other than their professor ).

Never really replaced Hedwig. These days, Harry uses various messenger birds and owls, mostly borrowing those of his friends. He did adopt a dog, though. 

I don’t think Harry will be fully at peace until more time has run its course. He has been through so much trauma, way more than any man ( much less a boy ) should ever have to experience. The scars may fade ( no, not THAT one ), but they will never quite heal, not for him. BUT he will be at peace, eventually.

TLDR: Harry is an auror, right now. He hasn’t washed off his past, but he has come to terms with it, in a way. 

PERSONALITY & OTHER FUN STUFF.

Harry Potter is compassionate, selfless, kind. Good at seeing the good. But also petty, impulsive, seething, moody. Bad at letting things go.

So incredibly brave, but shouldn’t have had to be? An eleven year old should not under any circumstances be led into the lion’s den and that’s that on that.

Has a hero complex, but it’s one that was forced upon him ( do not get me started on Albus Dumbledore, it will take up the rest of the intro ). Harry was LITERALLY just Harry, until suddenly, he wasn’t. 

The sheer dumb bitch energy of this man sometimes....... Thank god for Ron and Hermione is all I’m gonna say.......

Masks a lot of his trauma and pain with bad jokes, sarcasm and a seemingly carefree attitude. Tries his best to play down a lot of things ( his pain, his fame, his trauma, what he did during the war ). But he has a really serious streak too.

With that said, Harry does struggle with PTSD and survivor’s guilt. 

A total smart ass ( there’s no need to call me sir, professor? ). Harry has a sharp tongue aND is often much sassier than he should be, especially when challenged / when he sees something as unjust / when there’s someone that he just doesn’t like. But that sharpness can seep into his everyday life too.

Like I mentioned earlier, Harry is a total troll and will leak the most outrageous rumors that have 0% truth to them to the press. It’s all in good fun. Most of the time.

Honestly that thing Dan Radcliffe did when he wore the same shirt everyday for a month so that the pictures of him would all be un-usable is peak Harry behavior.

Harry would ultimately LIKE to forgive the remaining Death Eaters, the ones who has repented ( eg. The Malfoys ), but he is having a hard time with it. He is prone to spite and pettiness, and forgiveness ultimately doesn’t run easy in his veins. But the attempt IS there, and he doesn’t want to live with a sliver of bitterness in his heart, you feel?

The war hasn’t so much hardened him though, as it has softened him. Sure, it has made him weary, careful, closed off. But it has also made him kinder, more empathetic, more understanding, stronger in his sense of self.

Isn’t as rich as he used to be. Used a large chunk of his fortune after the war to help victims of the war to get back onto their feet. Anonymously of course. Harry has no desire to make headlines, ever again.

Refuses interviews. Most of the time. Only The Quibbler will get an ounce of truth out of Harry.

TIME CLASH.

Harry has always had a family ( a found family, his friends, family doesn’t end in blood ), but suddenly everything has been amplified, he has his parents back, his godfather, their friends. But they’re all his age, they don’t recognize him ( but he barely recognize them, either ---- if it hadn’t been for staring himself blind at their photographs, he wouldn’t know them ). It’s basically like The Erised Mirror Extreme Version, for Harry.

But there are also The Death Eaters ------- and the fear of having to go back, be the figurehead of yet another war that he has to sacrifice EVERYTHING for. Frankly, Harry has had quite enough. He doesn’t want to be their Atlas, anymore. But at the same time, his parents are back. And he doesn’t want to lose them again. AND he knows that they’d fight this war for him. Which makes him want to fight this war for them. Can you see where I’m going for this? It’s a really tumultuous time for Harry, he’s confused and just a little bit lost.

AND then there are the KIDS !!!!!! HIS KIDS !!!!!!!!! It’s a total mind fuck, Harry doesn’t feel ready to be a father, nor does he feel that the world is ready for him to have children. But his children are all grown up and from the future. He wants to protect their future, their peace. 

It’s a little bit selfish too. Harry wants that peace for himself. He wants all to be well, you know?

[weartirondad]

Let In Light (At Christmas Time) 2/12

FF.net I ao3

Friday, December 14th: blanket forts

Tony is elbow deep in rewiring one of his older suits when F.R.I.D.A.Y. announces Peter’s arrival and for the fraction of a second he just stops.

He’s tired. The I’m-insomnia’s-bitch kind of tired. The tired where he hasn’t had more than three hours of sleep a night for almost four days in a row and the few hours he did get were laced with different version of the same old stories over and over and over again.

Dark caves, people shouting in foreign languages. Fear, pain, cold.  

Bunkers in the middle of nowhere, a tiny screen in a dark room. Screams, blood, death.

Pepper falling. Rhodey falling. A shield shoved into his sternum. Darkness, cold – so much cold.

A sassy teenager, in over his head, fighting fights he shouldn’t be fighting. He’s falling, drowning, suffocating and Tony can’t –

“Hey Mister Stark!”

The billionaire blinks down at his hands that are still stuck in his armor, clenched around one of its powering units, and with a very deliberate exhale he forces his body to relax and his fists to open. It’s hard but he does it and through sheer will power alone manages to crack a smile along the way. It’s not a good one. Peter can see right through it but he’s trying, that’s what counts, right?

“Hey kid,” he greets him, making a conscious effort to keep his voice just a little more cheerful than he actually feels without sounding over the top. “How’s school?”

Of course it’s not working. The kid’s a genius and aside from being very empathetic to his surroundings he also knows Tony. He knows Tony’s moods and he knows what it looks like when he’s pretending to be okay. And Tony hates it. He hates that Peter knows how messed up he is and he hates how he sees him using Tony’s own coping mechanisms and he just can’t have that, he won��t allow it.

What he hates most, though, is that Peter just won’t turn away like everyone else did. Peter refuses to give up on him and while it’s nice to have someone around, sometimes the trust the kid puts in him makes him feel lightheaded and trapped and lost and oh-so-scared. The thought of disappointing him is too much to bear on a good day and today is not a good day. Today is two days away from the worst day and he doesn’t know if he can handle the pressure.

He doesn’t want to flip and have Peter suffer from the consequences. Maybe he should tell him to go home, maybe he should call raincheck and postpone to – sometime after Christmas, when he’s got some strength back because right now? Right now he’s a mess and Peter deserves so much more – a mentally stable mentor, a nice fun evening with his friends, lightness.

Ultimately, Peter deserves light and Tony’s soul has been in the shadows so long he has forgotten what it looks like. Sometimes just looking at it makes him feel like he’s going blind.

When he focuses on his breathing to keep himself from spiraling, he realizes that Peter has already flung his backpack into the corner next to his desk and himself on the spinning chair and is now talking animatedly about his day. Tony makes a mental note to listen to F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s recording later on in case he missed something important but right now, despite the gloomy knot in his chest, he feels the corner of his lips twist upwards at the sight of the teenager gracelessly hanging from the chair.

With the next inhale something warm fills his chest, gentling pulling on the untethered strings until the tangle loosens and suddenly breathing isn’t as hard anymore.

It’s still not easy, there’s still too much baggage for the breaths to come out effortlessly. Too many scars, too many memories, too much loss. But it’s easier. As if Peter’s presence in itself widens his bronchia and helps the air pave a way.

“Got homework?” he finds himself asking, the tiny smile still on his lips when the teenager dutifully bobs his head up and down. “When’s May gonna be home? Are you staying for dinner?”

Just like that the offer stands in the room, without a second thought, and he realizes that he doesn’t regret making it. It’s been lonely in the Tower without Pepper and Peter – Peter is Peter and taking care of him, making sure that he eats, sleeps and drinks enough has become an integral part of his DNA at this point.

“May’s working night,” Peter tells him with a pout, fidgeting until he’s sitting cross- legged on the chair, “But she’s not working all weekend and we’re having brunch tomorrow when she’s up again.”

“So, that means you want to stay the night and catch breakfast here, too?”

“I mean –“ For a second Tony thinks the kid is too polite to invite himself over but then a shit-eating grin spreads on his face as he turns on his swivel chair. “Yep. That was pretty much the plan. Hope I’m not keeping you from important – you know – stuff.”

Just from another lonely night spent staring at the alcohol cabinet. He doesn’t say, though, because he doesn’t drink and he hasn’t for months, still, the reflex never really left.

Instead he scoffs, “Me? Doing something important? In your dreams.” Peter giggles.

It’s still fake and he’s still not fine but when he turns back to the armor again as Peter starts taking out his books to work on his homework, he feels a lot lighter than he has in days.

They work on their own for a while after that and it doesn’t take long for Tony to get immersed in the inner workings of the suit once more. But while his mind is running difficult algorithms, trying to figure out how to best deweaponize it for a presentation without giving up too much of its soul, he’s always acutely aware of Peter’s movements behind him, like a sixth sense that comes to him easier than breathing most days.

“Pete,” he turns around with a frown after giving the boy another ten minutes of fidgeting, “what’s up? Do you need help?”

“Wha –?” The kid looks startled but shakes his head. “No. I was just,” he points to a pile at the foot of the couch in the far corner of the room, “I was wondering what that is.”

Tony can see the books that lay untouched on the desk with his pencil case emptied out and its content scattered all over the place and he sees the hole Peter is currently poking in the sleeve of his hoodie and he understands the restlessness behind it.

It’s a curse. One he has had to deal with all his life and one he wish he could take from the kid but as it is he can only try to get that genius mind of his to focus on something or else the jiggling would get worse and he’d probably end up hurting himself.

“What’s it look like?” he asks, feeling his whole demeanor change now that he is needed. Now that his purpose is making Peter feel better. Superficially cleaning his oil stained hands on a more-black-than-not towel he wanders over to the teen and settles on the couch, inviting him to inspect the pile with a nod of his head.

Peter, god bless him, jumps at the opportunity and almost trips from his chair with his limbs flailing in the air for a second before he manages to catch himself with a splutter, diving headfirst into the soft pile.

Normally, Peter would dissect any abnormality, anything new, with immaculate care but now he’s tearing through all blankets and pillows and comforters like a mad man on a mission. Only when he’s gone through them all he stops. Sitting in the middle of the mess he created he cocks his head to the side, leaning back on his arms with his legs stretched out in front of him.

He’s wearing his thinking frown and Tony watches as his mind works with new information, needing just a little bit longer than usual to figure it out. “They’re blankets,” he summarizes then, with a smile so warm Tony swears it could singlehandedly cause global warming and melt all remaining ice on the planet, even the one stuck in his heart. “You got blankets ‘cause I get cold easily, didn’t you?”

Of course he did. Of fucking course he got his kid blankets so he wouldn’t be cold in winter. It cost him one voice command and the boy is looking up at him as if he has just hung the moon in the sky specifically for him.

The look made him feel fuzzy. A good kind of fuzzy that he never got from alcohol anymore, and probably never really had.

“Of course I did,” he tells him when his emotions come too close to surfacing and he has to swallow past the growing lump in his throat. “Wanna cuddle up until I’m done working?”

Just like that, it looks as if Peter’s strings have been cut and he sags in on himself a little. “Um – yeah, sure,” he mumbles, hands running over the fabric of a dark blue blanket and clenching around it, “I mean, I could maybe work on my homework a little bit ya know. So, uh, so I get something done.” He trails off, shoulders and head hanging low as he attempts to get to his feet again.

Tony frowns. “No, why would you-?“ Oh.

My dad never really gave me a lot of support. I’m trying to break the cycle of shame.

“Or,” he tries a different approach, not missing how Peter is perching up just that tiny little bit at his softer tone of voice, “Or we could both take a break and relax a little. What do you say?”

He can see that it’s on the tip of his tongue to decline but apparently all their talking the past few months about accepting what Tony offers has gotten them somewhere and in the end Peter simply nods, a happy grin spreading on his face once more as if he just flipped a switch.

“Can we build a blanket fort?”

And – what?

“I have never once in my life built a blanket fort.”

And, yeah, maybe he should’ve seen it coming but he hasn’t and it might just cost him his hearing.

“WHAT THE –“

“Do not finish that sentence.”

As always his words fall on deaf ears.

“- HECK, MISTER STARK!” Peter all but shouts from two feet away, staring at him with wide, accusing eyes. “You can’t be serious! No way, you’ve never built a blanket fort!”  

“Yes way,” he gives back, swallowing the biting bile as he tries to be supportive and nice and all that shit good mentors apparently do. How on earth where there people having and raising kids full time out of their own free will? “And I am not going to start now.”

“Oh come on, please!”

Ah, yeah, that answers is questions. It’s definitely the disarming puppy eyes. And possible the shear endless amount of full body hugs.

“Fine,” he relents contritely, “But if we’re gonna do this we’re gonna do this right, understand? The full ten yards and then some.”

“Aye, sir!”

Peter is jumping up and down and he looks so much more at ease than just ten minutes ago and that’s worth all the back pain Tony is going to get from that experience. Damn kids.

It ends up taking them two hours to finish but by the time they do the ceiling of their fort is fitted with two chains of light, giving the arrangement a somewhat mystical touch to it.

They’re both lying on their backs, heads resting on their respective pillows while a fortress of other pillows is stacked around them, effectively shielding them from the outside world (the lab) and keeping them in their very own cocoon except for the small opening they made for food supply and such.

Dum-E has done a great job providing them with snacks and drinks albeit Tony vetoed the kid’s wishes for hot chocolate.

Peter has already forgotten he was sulking, though, and just stares up at the lights in wonder and, as Tony notes in satisfaction, otherwise perfectly still.

“This is what I’ve always imagined stargazing must be like,” he whispers, voice so quiet and in awe that Tony barely catches it.

It hits him again how different their upbringings have been and how he’s going to make sure that he only ever passes on the good things if he can help it.

“I’ll take you stargazing one of these days,” he promises, voice soft as to not startle the peaceful boy.

The teenager turns his head to meet his eyes, unruly curls falling over his left eye that Tony itches to push them back. “Promise?”

“I promise,” he says, reaching out to brush the curl away gently.

He promises him a lot more in his head but he doesn’t know how to form the words to let him know, yet. He hopes Peter understands anyway.

[tijopi11]

Gonna be real, I came to your blog because you said something really questionable, just to see if you were as bad as it sounded, but all I see are memes and honestly,,, do you still support people who cheat because I can't stand that but you seem hella nice :(

I dont really answer these anymore but you seem really sincere, so I’m going to reply to this one! So when I made that post, I want to be clear (again) that I don’t endorse cheating. I am not pro-cheating. I’ve never cheated before and I can’t imagine why people would. I wasn’t saying people who cheat shouldn’t face consequences, and if I’m remembering the original post correctly, I was explicit about how cheating is NEVER the right answer to any situation no matter what. 

My main point was that situations are nuanced and that shitting on people relentlessly for something they did and especially without knowing their situation is horrible. Bullying people, on end, without allowing them to create a new better future for themselves, is shitty. This doesn’t go only for cheating, it goes for ANYTHING. After making that post, I got dozens and dozens of anons saying things along the lines of “eat shit and die” and I made that post I dont even know how long ago, a year or two? I dont mind but that’s an example of my point. Is it really okay, or heroic of you or anyone to send that kind of stuff? Let’s imagine I’m someone who sits here and brags about cheating and says something like “yeah, cheating keeps a relationship fresh, I do it all the time!” I sound like a total asshole, right? But which reaction do you think might make me rethink my position: “Hey, if you dont mind me asking, why do you think that way? Look, I’ve been cheated on before and it’s been an awful experience for me. Maybe we can talk about it.” versus “LMAO stupid bitch, why dont you kill yourself?” No one receiving the latter response has ever changed their views based off of that response and I’ll be honest, not many have probably changed from the first response either. But the second response doesn’t make you a savior of anyone or a better person, does it? It might feel good in the moment which is why people do it, but I’m more likely to believe those things more than ever now, and it solved nothing besides make you a jerk too. 

 I got called out mostly for calling cheating ‘a mistake.’ I said that because I believe that people are capable of growing and changing their ways, and that they shouldn’t be defined by any singular bad decision. It’s not okay to cheat, it really isn’t and I’m not saying there should be no consequences. ALL I’m saying is that it’s OKAY to be compassionate and yknow...treat everyone involved like an actual human being because when people think they have a high moral ground then that makes it okay to treat other people as inhuman, and its not. You see this a lot in politics, the other side is always shrunk down to inhuman and therefore open to ridicule. I’m just going to be really strict about this again so hopefully there’s no confusion: I DO NOT endorse any of these bad things people might do or say or involve themselves with, but if you treat people as inhuman ‘others,’ what you end up with is people who see YOU as inhuman others and that’s how we divide ourselves and in fact ENCOURAGE THAT VERY BEHAVIOR because suddenly that group is no longer empathetic to what you’re saying. If you’re trying to tell someone not to do a thing, but you tell them by insulting and alienating them instead of describing the reasons why, then they wont listen to you. They might even continue that behavior specifically to spite you. It’s always better to try and understand someone’s actions rather than resort to dehumanization and ridicule.

One of the examples I gave was someone in an abusive relationship cheating because they feel like they can’t safely exit the relationship and they feel trapped. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SOLUTION. Cheating is never a good solution. And this person isn’t stripped of consequences or blame just because they had a ‘reason.’ But what I’m saying from this example is that blaming this person, alienating them and calling them disgusting cheating dirtbags and blowing up their social media with insults isn’t the correct response either. In fact, it’s a terrible response, it doesn’t make you in the right to do something like that just because the other person was a cheater and that somehow justifies bad treatment towards them. And while I think consequences are bound to come up, people involved may never forgive you for cheating, word may spread and that’s really on you. But what I dont think should happen is that this person should be made to feel eternally guilty for what they did, and suffer longterm or chronic mental issues or believe they’re unable to love again, or basically live their life believing that this thing they did defines all their future actions and they can never recover. And it isn’t right, as someone on the outside, to believe that it’s what they deserve. It’s what this 15 year old person DESERVES because they cheated, and they should spend the next 60 years thinking about that right? And being miserable right? No, that’s shitty, and cheating is shitty and can hurt people deeply and for longterm, but people should be allowed to grow and not be forever branded as “the scumbag cheater” because they did something harmful.

We’re all human, every situation is nuanced and coloring any and all subjects as either black or white is NEVER realistic literally ever, everyone deserves the chance to tell their story and express themselves in a safe and nonjudgemental environment, all human beings grow and change their ways for better or for worse over time and can learn from their past actions and mistakes, and they should be ENCOURAGED to learn from them (bullying people for ANYTHING, even if they’re fucking nazis or murderers, is never the correct reaction. Encouraging people to change begins with accepting that people CAN change) and everyone deserves humanity, understanding, and empathy no matter what they’ve done. It’s as simple as that. 

[penumbra-rp]

Congratulations Charlie, you have been accepted for the role of Marlene McKinnon!

The bathroom smelled like bleach for days and she looked like a fucking mess, but she’d never liked her own reflection more...  She became as loud and bold as she’d always wished to be, fierce, not afraid to say what she wanted to say, consequences be damned.

Admin Becky: Behold, the daring, reckless, vodka aunt of the Order of the Phoenix -- be still my beating heart! There are a hundred and one things I love about Marlene, but in particular I adore just how aware she is of all that she’s done for herself. She’s shed the previous pressures from her parents, stuck her middle finger up at society, and built a life that she’s proud to call her own. Giving back to her found-family that is the Order by providing them with a refuge, a safe space, a haven, tips a delicious balance between being a rebellious bad girl and a full-of-heart guardian angel. That short-tempered sharpness mixed with such caring selflessness makes me super excited to see how she interacts with our other characters!

Please check out our checklist for joining Penumbra.

01. Out of Character

NAME: Charlie

AGE: 22

YOUR BIRTHDAY: August 2nd

PRONOUNS: she/her

TIMEZONE: GMT

02. In Character

CHARACTER: Marlene McKinnon

CHARACTER’S PRONOUNS: she/her

FACECLAIM: Sofia Boutella

CHARACTER’S BIRTHDAY: April 2nd

PERSONALITY:

independent: (+) If the last years have proven anything, it’s how much Marlene values her independence. How much she’s willing to do to keep it. The years as parents picture-perfect daughter, a porcelain doll really that was always supposed to function without any mistakes, the years where she didn’t have any control of her own life whatsoever - at least if she didn’t want to be a huge disappointment, didn’t want to see their love for her slowly fading away - have left their scars. Now that she has it, she defends her independence with claws and fangs metaphorically speaking. It shows daily in her dedication and hard work in the Leaky Bucket.

caring: (+)  Even though it doesn’t always seem like it judging from her sharp-tongue most people get a taste from, Marlene is actually quite empathetic and cares a lot. With no regard for time, place and circumstances, she’ll always offer a shoulder to cry on, will always try to make sure that the people she cares feel good. To be perfectly honest, she probably doesn’t care half as much about her own well-being than about that of other people. That isn’t limited to just her friends either but includes new acquaintances and often complete strangers as well. As long as you don’t get on her bad side, she’ll always try to be there for you and care about you and your problems.

direct: (+)While she’s been taught that diplomacy is one of the most valuable abilities when dealing with others, Marlene has always preferred to be open and honest with everybody she interacts with. She isn’t exactly a fan of beating around the bush. In fact, in 9 out of 10 cases you can be dead sure that she’ll tell you the truth without mincing her words, no matter how hard, ugly and painful it might be. The truth can hurt, in her opinion, you better suck it up and learn to deal with it. No matter if she’s seen as impolite, tactless, rude or downright mean because of it, she’ll tell you just the way it is, nonetheless. That’s something that can be hard to deal with, but at least you can always rely on her telling you straight up to your face when you’re doing something stupid.

short-tempered: (-)  Patience has never been her strong suit, even though she was told that it was the most important character trait for a proper young girl (after docility, obviously). And it’s gotten worse over the years. It takes very little to get under Marlene’s skin and even less for her to blow up and throw a temper tantrum. Even when these outbursts are over as quickly as they come, they’re not the most fun thing to witness, to say the least.

self-destructive: (-)  On some subconscious level, Marlene loves fucking things up for herself. Whenever something good happens in her life, one can be pretty sure that sooner or later she’ll find a way to fuck it up and ruin it. A part of it can most likely be blamed on bright-burning desire to stay as independent and free as possible, something she protects fiercely. But most of it is probably due to the fact that a part of her is afraid that sooner or later they’ll all turn into her parents. If she gives them too much power over her, they’ll start wanting to change her, form her into what they want her to be and if she doesn’t stay proactive, maybe she’ll one day wake up and have lost herself again. Even outside of relationships, however, she doesn’t have the healthiest way to treat herself. Every now and then there are periods when she gets out of control and turns into more of a drinking, smoking, swearing and fucking around mess that she usually already is. Almost as if she feels she still needs to prove a point, as if she still needs to make up for the years she wasted trying to somehow live up to the impossibly high expectations her parents had for her. Or maybe she’s actually just punishing herself for never having managed that in the first place.

unforgiving: (-)  As easily as her affection and loyalty are given, once you’ve fucked it up, there’s no turning back. It’ll take a lot to truly make her reconsider your friendship once she calls you a close friend, but if you cross that line, she’ll drop you like a hot potato and won’t ever take you back, no matter how much you plead and beg. Life is already messed up enough without backstabbing people you can’t trust in your life and she won’t waste a single second on them.

BRIEF BULLET POINT BIO:

Marlene grew up as an only child, much to her own dismay. After all, the fact that she was the sole child meant that she was the only person her parents’ attention was focused on, the only one supposed to live up to the big expectations they had for their offspring. Sure, it was generally nice to be the center of attention, the one all the devotion and gifts could go to. After all, who doesn’t like to not having to share the spotlight? However, she’d have given it up in a heartbeat if that meant to not have to suffer through the pressure her parents put on her alone, to have somebody to have her back and help each other get through it. Quite frankly, she wouldn’t have cared about the age or gender of her sibling, just somebody to stand by her side and help her share the pressure.

Despite their current abundance of wealth, the McKinnons are ‘new-money’, have risen to the high society within the last two generations and that stuck Her parents never allowed her to forget that they’re still newcomers to some extent and that they have to try even harder to be perfect, to fit in with the upper society as well as possible, than those families who’ve been a part of it for centuries.

Even before she took her first breath, her parents already had her life planned out for her. She was supposed to be their perfect little girl, beautiful like a porcelain doll and just as quiet and obedient. They had big plans for her, she’d be the perfect example of how they’ve truly found their place in the high society. So she had a pretty strict schedule from a very young age on involving various activities and lessons her parents deemed necessary for a young girl of her status. Among those activities were lessons in Mandarin, learning how to play the piano as well as the violin, horse riding and lessons on etiquette as well as on politics and history later on. Nothing too complicated, though. After all, she should make proper conversation on various social events with that knowledge and not become a professor at college. Of course, anything but outstanding success in those lessons (and behavior, really) wasn’t permitted. Even years later Marlene can still recall the disappointed look in her parents eyes when she didn’t do something perfectly on the first try, how her mother’s lips became just a tiny bit smaller because she pressed them so firmly together, how the fine wrinkle between her father’s eyebrows, that should get even more prominent with the passing years, deepened just a little bit before they both demanded she tried again and this time did it well. And it was not like Marlene didn’t try to be as perfect as they wanted her to be. Quite the opposite, really. For years, she desperately gave her all to finally live up to their high expectations, but it was never enough. Even if she did manage to do something perfectly at the first try, there was still something else she was lacking. No matter what she did it never seemed to be good enough to please them. To fully earn their affection without a ‘but next time you’ll do better’ lying underneath it. The pressure she felt throughout her whole childhood was immense, unbearable really, and yet she persisted. Desperate for their approval and love, she continued to give at least 200% each day hoping that one day it’d be enough. It never was and the pressure continued to grow and Marlene continued to try harder.

Until she didn’t anymore. Nowadays, she can’t quite recall what the final straw was, what finally pushed her off the edge and made her stop trying to hard to be what they wanted her to be and instead try a little harder to be herself. Maybe it was the beginning of puberty hitting in, but she likes to believe that it started sooner, that she didn’t tolerate their bullying for that long. And in some ways, she truly didn’t. Even as a young girl of barely nine years, trying to be the best of her class, she showed small signs of defiance even if it was just being louder and bolder than her parents would like or spending time with people they didn’t approve of. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Still, it was nowhere near enough to relieve even some of that pressure. When puberty hit in at roundabout twelve years, she started breaking free for real. Did her best to distance herself from the image her parents created, the role they tried to force her into. It started with exchanging the pristine, proper tights her parents bought for her with fishnets that were ripped open pretty soon to add to the punk rebel-look she was now going for. Then she didn’t only cut her hair short on her own - which for itself already wasn’t exactly a piece of art - but also gave herself red highlights. The bathroom smelled like bleach for days and she looked like a fucking mess, but she’d never liked her own reflection more. Her parents, of course, were completely shocked, to say the least. To be perfectly honest, a part of her was sure that her mom would have a heart attack when she saw her new hair for the first time, but instead, she pulled through and just gave her a long and exhausting harangue about how Marlene was basically ruining their lives by being such a huge disappointment. Something that only encouraged her to stray away from what they wanted her to be even more. She became as loud and bold as she’d always wished to be, fierce, not afraid to say what she wanted to say, consequences be damned. For the first two weeks, fights and arguments happened on a daily basis in their family home, then her parents cut her off completely emotionally and didn’t talk to her apart from criticizing her passive-aggressively and what needed to be said when you live in one house together. It was tough, more than tough, there were countless times where Marlene wanted to give in, give up her strive to become her own person, but that was where her stubbornness came in and so she pulled through. Despite all the changes in personality and personal fashion, she still didn’t completely forgo her studies. Sure, she didn’t try half as much as before anymore, but that was still more than enough for a very good school diploma.

With her school diploma in hand, she signed up at Hogwarts University to study law. To be honest, it was the last thing she wanted, but after years of emotional distance and passive-aggressive warfare really, a part of her was desperately yearning to be closer to her parents again. And maybe, if she made that peace offer, they could be a family again without her having to give up her whole personality. As anybody but her probably could have said in advance, it was a stupid idea. The naive dream of a desperate, young girl who felt like she was all alone in the world with her parents barely talking to her. She’d learn the mistake of her ways pretty soon after only a few months of studying.

In the end, she dropped out of school and with that, completely lost her parents’ financial supports. The next years were tough, she worked a bunch of jobs - sometimes multiple at the same time - to hold herself over water and build a life for herself. Most jobs were a complete waste of time and so she seldom stayed long anywhere. What the days lacked in excitement and fun, she made up for with long nights out filled with drinks, hook-ups, and smokes. Desperately trying to find some purpose in life even if she’d never admit that out loud,

The Order of the Phoenix was the first thing to save her from this meaningless life. It was a wake-up call, really, something to give her life meaning again. However, her truel savior was something entirely different. When she saw the building, that had been half-burnt to a crisp during an electrical fire and was later going to become the Leaky Bucket, it was love at first sight, really, even though, objectively speaking, there was nothing much anybody could have loved. As silly as it sounds, though, (and Marlene is perfectly aware of how utterly ridiculous it sounds), there was simply this connection. She just knew she could turn it into something great. And she did. With a shit load of borrowed money, hard work (at least that she knew how to do after her strenuous childhood) and passion as well as some time, she managed to turn this ruin of a building into a great, popular pub and so much more. A safe haven where everybody could feel accepted for who they truly are without having to hide their true nature or pretend to be somebody entirely different. The sort of place she’s been craving all her life.

INTERVIEW:

i. How do you feel about your current occupation?

The question conjures the hint of a smirk onto her lips. “What’s there not to love?”, Marlene retorts, one eyebrow slightly arched up, “being your own boss means you get to do whatever the hell you want to.” Buying the Leaky Bucket is one of the best decisions she’s ever made and even though it cost her a shit load of money she had to borrow (money she still hasn’t been able to fully pay back), even though there are days where she wants to go back to bed again only a few hours after getting up because of exhausting the day already has been, she can’t imagine herself doing anything else. Can’t imagine ever not being her own boss again. She’s never particularly enjoyed following orders - not to mention stupid ones and from the few jobs, she worked to earn the money for the Bucket, she can tell that there are plenty of idiotic bosses out there with even more idiotic orders - and now that she’s had a taste of what it means having complete freedom over your life, not have to listen to anybody, she won’t ever go back to being employed.

ii. What song would you say describes yourself?

“My complex personality can’t possibly be described with one song.” Oh, she’s well aware of how arrogant it sounds, but there’s nothing she can do about it, it’s only true, after all. And to be perfectly honest, it isn’t even meant to flatter herself. If anybody knows how many fucked up sides her personality has, it’d be herself. “I think ‘She’s Thunderstorms’ from the Arctic Monkeys is a good fit. It strongly depends on my mood, though, so my response might be completely different tomorrow.”

iii. Does reputation matter to you?

“Do I look like it does?” It’s a rhetorical question really, the ripped fishnets who’ve seen better days, the tousled hair that looked like it either hadn’t been combed in days or she’d just had sex, the days-old eyeliner, a too big flannel shirt tied around her hips. It’s not the look of somebody who cares what you think about her, not the one you’d expect from somebody of her upbringing. There used to be a time where she thought her reputation mattered to her only to realize it was her parents’ approval and love that truly mattered to her. It doesn’t anymore, though, hasn’t had for years. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about, be it clothes, relationships, language, behavior - Marlene McKinnon does as she pleases and if anybody else has a problem with that, they can fuck off.

iv. What is your relationship with your parents like?

“What relationship?”, she responds dryly letting out a scornful snort. “How can you have a relationship with somebody if you haven’t talked to them in years?” That probably says all anybody ever needs to know about her ‘relationship’ with the people who brought her into this world. Calling them parents would already be a too affectionate term for how she feels about them. When she told them she’d drop out of Hogwarts after one year, they told her to either go through with it like somebody worthy of the McKinnon name would or she wouldn’t be their daughter anymore. So she shrugged and simply left. What sense would it have made to argue with them? After all, they’d made it perfectly clear how they expected her to be from a very young age, ever since she took her first breath really. Her own stupidity was to blame for having believed they could see past the expectations they had for her and accept her for who she was. She didn’t even go upstairs to grab the rest of her things that she hadn’t taken with her to her new flat. Fuck them. And fuck her parents. That was the last time she was at the town villa she grew up in, the last words she exchanged with her parents and she doesn’t intend on changing that any time soon or ever really. They’re not her family anymore.

v. What languages can you speak?

“Let me see, I was raised bilingually in French and English. I had to learn Mandarin because as my dear father always liked to say the Chinese are going to rule the world someday if they keep on growing like that”, she rolls her eyes slightly, “Had Latin in school which, of course, I can’t speak because it’s dead and all that crap, but for a while, I was quite good at reading it, actually. I know Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese well enough for a simple conversation, nothing too complicated, though.  But if you know French and Latin, they all just kind of come easy to you.” She shrugs slightly.  “Additionally, my nanny was from Russia so I know my fair share of that. It’s a little rusty, though, just like my Mandarin.”

vi. If your home was on fire and you could only save one item, what would you choose?

“The deed for the Leaky Bucket.” It’s a response she doesn’t even have to think about, no matter if it’s the most unpractical one or not. Material things like her smartphone, clothes or other stuff are all replaceable and the Leaky Bucket is the most important thing in her life, her second home, her purpose really. There’s nothing she cares about as much as she cares about that building she built up to the popular pub it is now after seeing the half-burnt building and falling in love with it at the first sight.

vii. Which Hogwarts University faculty did you study at? The Gryffindor School of Applied Science, the Ravenclaw School of Humanities, the Slytherin School of Social Science, or the Hufflepuff School of Art?

“Slytherin School of Social Science”, she says and grimaces slightly at the memory. One fucking year of her life wasted there on studying law. In retrospect, she has no idea why she even thought it was worth her time. Why after all these years she still tried to make her parents happy. Because it was only for them that she’d even considered it, not only to mention go through with it. After a complicated youth during which she argued with them on a daily basis, did her best to distance herself from the doll they wanted her to be and ensure that they understood that she’d never be that girl, she thought that there might still be hope for them to grow closer to them. So she did what she knew they’d always planned for her to do, expected of her really: study law at the Slytherin School of Social Science at Hogwarts. She hated it from the very first day. Never before had she done something more boring and terribly annoying. And yet, she pulled through for a whole year. Not that even the fact that she did it despite being obviously miserable was enough to satisfy her parents. No, all they could talk about was how it was absolutely unacceptable that she wasn’t at the top of her class, that she wasn’t passing every exam with flying colors. The moment they told her on Christmas morning that if she finally wrote an exam where she got all the points was the day they’d be proud of her, it was the final straw. The moment she truly realized that they’d never accept her for who she was,

vix. What is your social media username?

“Let’s be honest, I change my instagram handle almost as often as my underwear.” It sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s true. She changes it at least weekly, if not multiple times a week. It’s not always a completely new handle, though, she often reuses names she’s already used in the past, but so far none has been good enough to stick. Or maybe it’s just the fact that “Right now, it’s ragefulthinking, though.”

also, have a little pinterest board for her here (x)

[fantroll-purgatory]

Alternia, Beforus, or AU: Alternia

Themes/Story: The co-founder of the rebellion, she was originally being trained to labor as a Beefgrub Slaughterer, destined to become a chef for garbage dispensable lowblood ships. Her intense empathy made this a miserable job that she just couldn’t wait to get out of. On the day she left with Achsaw, she communed with the Beefgrubs to have them rise up in rebellion and killed the overseeing drones. Now she acts as a sort of animal handler for the rebellion. She rounds up animals to provide food and supplies (without having to kill them, like cluckbeast ova, baabeast/beefgrub dairy products, woolbeast material, rabbit fur) as well as rescuing mistreated lusii and training her fauna friends for combat. Her theme is largely (Farm) Animals Are Friends and Direct Action. 

(This I’m loving. Very Bronze, very Derse.) Name: Denham Uptarm

Denham is the surname of a voice actor who played Snowball, the more ethical pig from Animal Farm, in a film adaptation. Uptarm is a reference to Upton Sinclair, who wrote The Jungle, as well as the ARM (Animal Rights Movement). 

Age: 10.15 sweeps, 22 years

(I’m assuming that due to her rebellion she’s not going offworld? She should still a good couple sweeps in her lifespan besides. Prime rebel material.)

Strife Specibus: Gunkind, though she most specifically uses a Captive Bolt Pistol. I’ve also considered bombkind again with her using a fertilizer bomb?

Fetch Modus: Lasso, the item she wants gets shot around the room and she has to lasso it to get it to Truly eject. 

Blood Color: Bronze

Special Abilities: Animal Communing! Of course. Though because of her valuing of freedom it manifests more like “able to talk directly to animals” instead of “can mind control animals.” 

Symbol and Meaning: I’m leaning heavily towards Tauries. 

(SIGN OF THE UNSATISFIED) But I also considered/am considering Taurcen.  

(SIGN OF THE CONNECTED) Trolltag: vegetarianDisectarian 

Since the first part is obvious, I’ll just say that Discetarian is a word for Rebel. 

Quirk: Catch her shouting all the time. Commanding, but uses lots of emotional words. She also likes animal emojis, especially beefgrub and hoofbeast ones.  ~(^⚇^)~,  ^-D, ༼ ( ˘=ㅅ=˘ ) ༽, (´･(00)･｀), Ꮚ｀ꈊ´Ꮚ

Ex: Alright you BEAUTIFUL BASTARDS! Close those CHAGRIN TUNNELS and help me get this RUINACIOUS CATTLE DRIVE on the fucking ROAD! ~(*⚇*)~ (This is so much and I love it. I like this idea that she talks like that too. Just really hoarse yelling whenever she has a part she wants to emphasize. Even when she isn’t thinking about it.)

Lusus: Her lusus probably was a beefgrub that she had to slaughter as her first job assignment.  (God that’s horrible.)

Personality:  To most people who don’t know her she comes off as pretty angry. She’s blunt and she’s mad and she’s not afraid to speak her mind, even if it can cause conflict. If someone messed up, or has a flaw, or is just being a douchebag, she’s going to inform them in the most direct and harshest way. She doesn’t mean to be rude, she’s just doing it in the best interest of change. Whether she thinks people are really ignorant and just need to be set straight or whether she thinks they need to be knocked down a dozen pegs, she’s here to let them know. 

She can also be hardheaded. When she makes a decision, she’s set on it. Come hell or high water, she’s going to carry through on it. She can have a tendency towards the reckless. If an opportunity arises to do a little wrecking shit, she can’t pass on the chance. She’s willing to take immediate risks and willing to take big risks. This puts her in occasional tension with Gchaos, as their perspectives on the advancement of the rebellion can be pretty opposed. 

The truth of the matter is that down in her heart she’s a sweetie. When you get to know her, she’s like an affectionate big sister. She’ll still rib you, but she cares. And she’s always there to talk. She likes to be close to people and really does crave affection. She’s the friendly cuddly sort, so you’re likely to find her lounging over her pal’s laps, or hugging them, or messing with their hair. 

She’s highly sympathetic and empathetic and feels a lot of pain for others, trolly and beasty alike. She wants to make shit better for the people who are suffering and she wants to do it immediately. 

Interests: Animal husbandry, animal grooming, animal training, just. Animals she loves ‘em. She likes to practice accurately mimicking animal sounds. Long, hot baths. Sappy romantic comedies. Big dinners. Anaerobic exercise. A little bit (or a lot a bit) of mayhem. 

Title: Sylph of Time. I picked Sylph mostly to try to balance out the number of passive classes. But also because the passive creation of timeflow is an interesting concept to me. Because Time is all about fighting, it certainly does fit her. Her tendency to create conflict and attempt to constantly enact change does fit with their sign. But it’s also the sort of sign that might encourage her to calm down and consider how her decisions are impacting the people around her.  (I’m going to talk about the Time/Blood split here: Because both have potential for your character, and I think is where she needs the most work conceptually.) (The Blood/Breath inversion is traditionally the domain of Bronze (check Tavros and Dammek for our True Canon Bronzes, and Blood has direct ties to Lusii and to the hemospectrum.) (How do you want this character to develop? I always include the sign titles in my reviews, but I think here they are particularly poignant. Do you want to emphasis her growing restlessness, letting the endless turning of Time cause her constantly fiddle, repairing gaps in the timeline, actively smashing the distance between her allies to get them all on the same page? Or do you want to focus on her nexus abilities? You don’t get more connected than a Sylph of Blood. However, her focus on Freedom would come into conflict when she skirts the Prince inverse- actively destroying motion and freedom would likely bother her. But, the bonds of blood and rebelhood can be strong as steel.)

Land: Land of Saws and Reeds. 

Imagine a really mechanized and dangerous world that Also has giant harmonicas. 

Dream Planet: I selected Derse for her sign, but I must admit to being conflicted. (I feel like you can do Derse with this character, but she’s gotta get a little more layered, a slight bit more reclusive with her inner self. She has the Dersite dissatisfaction and rebellion down pat, and she does have the core of being someone else on the inside. Maybe she’ll need a bit more paranoia or jumpiness? Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the Condesce come down on them.)

Design Stuff: I wanted to make it look like she was wearing a nude lipstick, the kind ppl use to take their lips closer to their skin color. Bold brows. Denim vest in her gf’s color and some riding pants + riding boots. (Minor comment but: the way those boots are lined made me immediately think she was wearing socks with sandals. Do with this as you wish.)

[readysetgaikokujin]

Feelings now that I’m used to my home in NC

This is a list! Therefore read more!

- Nostalgia my mom’s house is full of stuff that’s been a constant for me since I can remember. We’ve never moved from this house. My nephew’s height’s being written on the same doorjamb as my height was written. My toys are becoming his toys. My mom’s vinyls are upstairs just waiting to be put on while we dust and clean together. Sussudio ftw.

- Self-doubt you show different parts of yourself to different people, and it doesn’t make those parts of you any less valid. But the Sami that Aomori people know isn’t the Sami Mebane people know. There are people I knew in high school who really want to meet me, to see me, hug me. I haven’t seen them in person in nigh near 10 yrs now, or I only saw some of them in passing a few years ago. It makes me feel rather adult, rather desperate, and also kind of like an imposter. “Why want me, precious?” my brain keeps saying in the Smeagol voice. “Why me?”

- Freedom this one is the best one. I can wake up whenever I choose (which is about 730 am haha, can’t beat 5 years of education major early mornings and then 5 years of teaching out of you in a month), and then eat whatever I want. Keto is a thing here. Sugarfree is a thing here. Soy wraps are a thing here, spaghetti squash, feta cheese, pepperjack, omfg the cheeese. I can just eat some salami if I’m peckish, and even though I’ve been craving natto lately I really am loving the freedom of food choice. I can also wear what I want, do what I want, and relax as long as I want. It’s kind of nice to feel like I’m alone with people around me, if that makes sense?

- Overwhelmed sometimes it’s the fact that my siblings are growing up without me. My brother’s finishing his degree, and he’s made me so proud. We talk about getting to know each other all over again because we’re both adults now, and we’re everchanging. My sister’s married, bought a house, has dogs, is thinking about a second child in the next few years. She’s almost finished her degree. She’s amazing, and it’s weird that she’s also nearer to thirty than far from it. I see my older family members, how some aren’t doing so well, how some are suffering. My brother is also involved with a lot of activism, as is my sister. Bro is photojournalim, sis is public health. The way they speak about the world, I feel kind of useless and stagnant. What am I doing from Japan? What can I do?

- Wal*mart wal*mart get its own feeling, you know it’s true. Just to throw a lighter note in here. I am having a hard time not staring at peoples’ tattoos, whether they’re good or bad, and I go out in a crop top and am not the least-dressed person in the building. It is its own world. I don’t... it’s its own feeling.

- Torn when I’m in Japan, I miss America and Canada, and my family. When I’m with my family in America or Canada, I miss Japan, and my friends. Am I always going to feel like this? I’ve made a horrible, beautiful, poignant fucking mistake. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. It’s kind of nice to have your heart in multiple places. I can imagine people who’ve lived in multiple countries feel the same. Or similar.

- Happy this one speaks for itself. Also, my skin finally isn’t hateful now that I’m back in America/hydrating/sleeping more/less stressed. I wake up and feel good. It’s strange not to be stressed. This is new for me, I’m almost like... looking for ways to MAKE stress because that’s my comfort zone.

- Myself I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am. I defined myself as AJET president, as RR, as a teacher for so long. Taking away those things, who am I? I guess a rather cynical view I’ve had for a while is this: I’m a person who cares too much about outside validation. I’m a person who wants to be seen as good, because maybe if I’m seen that way, it means I’m successfully putting good into the world. I’m a person who wants to be liked, sometimes at the detriment of what I want to do. And I don’t want to be any of that anymore. I want to focus on my hustle without feeling like who says what has any effect on me. I don’t care for JET drama, because it reminds me too much of being in high school, and I’m fast approaching 30. I also know that I’m prone to being judgmental, and vocal. Nobody NEEDS my viewpoint on their life, really. I know the type of people I want in my life, and the type of people I don’t, and I know that everyone is just doing their best and they don’t need my input in their lives. I know what I want to do with myself, and that alone is enough to validate my work. I’ve had a LOT of time to think about what makes me ME, without any of the fluff or things I’ve done in the past that I am not doing now. I’m creative, empathetic, selfish, and motivated. I want to be good to people in general, without sacrificing how good I am to myself. I’m working on it haha.

Anyway. Some reverse culture shock has happened. Wtf NC, please use turn signals. Also, small talk is a thing I’m getting used to, and everyone should make eye contact and smile at their waiters and waitresses, what are you doing everyone who doesn’t???

Update, also! Getting my left arm half-sleeve done in PA on the 4th. Expect pics. I’m so excited my heart could burst. Within the next two years, I’ll be trying my best to cover my body as much as possible. I’m tired of waiting patiently. If I have the money, I’ve got the artists. Let’s get my body looking how I envision it in my mind.

Also update two, I want to try to get into group activities in Hirosaki, Tsugaru, or Gosh, or the Shi when I get back to Aomori. @sun-kissedwinter @manystarredface @beware @wildwolf25 if you know of fun things, please let me know. Sorry to tag you in a long ass post, I’ll hopefully be seeing more of y’all now that I’m not a long ass drive away. I’ve talked to people about bouldering, wanna grip a rock real good. But I want to engage instead of isolate like I did this last year.

My mind is getting figured out.

Want to figure out my body/socialization (੭ु˙꒳˙)੭ु⁾⁾

[zalrb]

I probably shouldn't be asking you so maybe this is for the hard core Elena anons. Why is Elena their favorite character? *Imo* -- the writers made Elena a very mediocre character but in saying that I still love SE. I love SE because of how they were written and I believed what was written & portrayed onscreen. With Elena I think she had potential to be a good character but they didn't allow her to be flawed on her own. They didn't allow her to grow from her experiences or hear her 'voice'.

I think it may be because of who she was supposed to be, like I’ll post a response I did to an ask once.

Anonymous: Can you and your mutuals help me get a firmer grasp on Elena's character?! Stefan and Caroline both have (IMO) a few clear, salient strengths and consistent flaws, but most other TVD characters, including Elena, are just sort of whatever the current storyline needs them to be at the time. I hate that the show's female protagonist doesn't have a clearly defined personality.                                                                                                                                                                               

Elena does have a clearly defined personality the problem is that the personality lacks follow through and therefore it doesn’t have clearly defined execution.

Elena is supposed to be a deeply empathetic and compassionate person who loves passionately and makes reckless decisions to keep those she loves safe. She is supposed to be a caretaker, which is why in 2x04 when Caroline is trying to drive a wedge between her and Stefan she tells Elena she’s too maternal not to have kids. She is supposed to be understanding and non-judgemental, which gives her the ability to ‘see the good in everyone.’ She is also supposed to have “darkness” in her because she will do morally questionable things to ensure the outcome she wants and she can be emotionally manipulative although that’s mostly towards Damon. And after watching season 2, I’m realizing she is supposed to have a legit martyr complex.

But like I said, the problem is follow-through. Elena can’t have a martyr complex when the narrative works so hard to keep her from actually having to sacrifice anything, the intent to martyr herself is not enough because it makes the audience go, easy for you to say, Elena, you don’t actually have to be the Bonnie in this situation, do you?

Elena being empathetic and compassionate doesn’t really work that well when she’s dating the man who single-handedly terrorized each and every one of her friends and she doesn’t even come across as a good friend because when she is with her friends, if they’re not talking about her problems and are instead talking about Caroline’s issues and the one, two times they talk about Bonnie, Elena doesn’t say much, she usually just shrugs or makes a noise (and that’s not Elena’s fault, that’s the writing’s fault).

Her being maternal and caretaker doesn’t work well when Elena doesn’t actually do much to show this. All she really does is hug people and that’s not enough. When Jeremy is a legit drug dealer in season 1 and gets into a fight with Tyler when he’s drunk and has an actual bottle, Elena literally lets Jeremy walk away, she pretty much let’s Jeremy do his own thing, if she’s as worried about him as the show is trying to tell us she is, then that’s when Elena goes to the smokers den and drags him into class, it’s when she’s blowing up his phone and calling everyone he hangs out with. She needs to be involved not passively concerned.

And the other thing is because Elena is supposed to be such a nice person and the show just wants to make her this wholeheartedly good person they forget that good people can have complex emotions. Like this is a weird example because the whole point of The Good Place is that the protagonist Eleanor was shitty when she was alive and now that she’s dead, she’s trying so hard to be a good person but either way, she’s ready to make a sacrifice for the friend group and she’s telling another friend he has to make it with her and he’s like But I don’t wanna! And she’s like I DON’T WANNA EITHER, MAN, but we HAVE to do this because they don’t deserve to suffer for something that we did! This is what it is to be a good person! Elena should have that. Elena should struggle with the idea of martyring herself, she should be like Stefan, do you really think I want to die? I’m seventeen, of course I don’t want to die, this entire situation sucks but what sucks more is that everyone else is bending over backwards doing things that will get them killed to make sure I stay alive, I would rather just be dead. You can call me selfish if you want, but none of you are dying if I can help it. Just something like that. Instead we get her having a breakdown over the fact that she was supposed to grow up and have kids and not become a vampire, they should’ve changed that to her breaking down about the choice she made but also not regretting it.

And then even with the darkness … I mean you see her do things like stab Rebekah in the back and have Damon compel Jeremy (it should not have been Damon, putting the man who killed her brother in charge of compelling his memory to keep him safe is fucked up, but that’s not an Elena thing, that’s the writers not paying attention to the dynamics they’ve created) but in seasons 4 and 5 when it was supposed to be how Elena has changed and her “purity” level has been hella diluted, the issue with that is she actually isn’t darker, she’s just screwing Damon and that makes her shitty, not dark. And every “dark” thing she does like kill Connor and turn off her humanity is because she’s Sired to Damon, that’s the show protecting her and not making her actually dark so they don’t follow through. That’s the issue.