#may be heart broken but still have to get to work early AF

[hangmanssunnies]

Just when I think I am over a person and they can't break my heart anymore, I turn around and they somehow are hurting me all over again.

[grimsonchin]

My Take on The Last of Us Part II: (SPOILERS)

If you were just like me who just finished the game and are unsure about the outcome and story plz take the time to read this:

If I’m being honest af right now, playing The Last of Us Part 2 for the first time made me low key filled with anger and sadness. I really enjoyed playing as Ellie in Seattle with Dina and Jessie. After switching off to Abby for a few hours, I wanted to just speed run through her arc because I hated for what she did to Joel. I was starting to miss Ellie. However, after Day 1 and I started Day 2, for some reason, that hate was replaced with being intrigued with the story progression to Abby meeting Yara and Lev (I was still mad at Abby at this point, but not as much). I was glad that I stopped speed running through her story and I actually got to be in Abby’s shoes about her relationships with others and being a caring individual towards Lev and Yara. It just shows that ND is trying to make you see another point of view of Abby’s revenge being similar to Ellie’s revenge: both are in an endless cycle of vengeance that must be broken. They might try to make you sympathize with Abby, but it’s okay if you don’t. It’s okay to hate her for what she has done. However, ND wanted to show you her story and where she comes from the end of the stick does matter. Both characters have experienced loss; Ellie losing Joel, Jessie, and nearly Dina. Abby loses her father and her friends (Manny, Owen, Mel, Nora, Yara and others). So I see from both sides that they want to avenge those they have lost.

Even though TLOU is mainly focused on Ellie and Joel, you don’t realize that the TLOU universe has no heroes/villians. It’s mostly just human beings out her trying to survive an apocalypse; even if it’s defending yourself from other people who want to hurt you or murdering others in order to survive and gather supplies for others. The first game had Marlene, Tess, Sarah, Riley, David, Sam, and Henry; characters that impacted the first story for both characters, good or bad. For the second game, there’s WLFs, people of Jackson, and Scars/Seraphites. Different groups with different purposes in order to strive into the apocalyptic world.

After the depressing ending we got, I literally crumbled. A game like that has NEVER made me feel things that I had to take a pause from it and recollect my thoughts. That’s some extraordinary work. However, the ending was so impactful to me that I couldn’t process what just happened. So I thought that the game was good but not that great.

That’s when I started to replay it again with a collective mind and paid more attention to detail. (Still cried every time over losing Joel). That’s when my mind started to change about the overall message and tone about the game. Naughty Dog even stated that the first game was about LOVE and the second game was aimed towards HATE. They wanted to make the player feel uncomfortable and feel a rollercoaster of emotions as a human being (anger, sadness, and happiness). This was a game about consequences from both sides of characters: the people of Jackson and the WLF. Both sides had human beings murdered in order to survive (as well as the Seraphites).

My favorite gut-wrenching part about the game (besides gameplay and character arcs) is that it honors the first game with foreshadowing. In the first game, Sam asks Ellie what she was afraid of. Ellie says that she was afraid of being alone. Revenge has unfortunately blinded Ellie and she suffered that consequence: she was all alone in the end. She lost Joel, Dina, her son were no longer home (the farmhouse they built their love and long lasting relationship together), and she lost her two fingers and couldn’t play the guitar anymore to bring her peace (the two fingers were referenced near the end of the first game when Ellie confronts Joel about the Fireflys). As Ellie leaves the guitar behind, it symbolizes that she has let go of Joel (not completely as she still loves Joel but her anger towards his death has been replaced with peace as she realizes that killing more people in order to avenge him won’t bring him back).

After witnessing the ending for a second time, I started to realize that instead of my past self wanting Abby to be killed by Ellie, this present me was glad that Ellie spared Abby. Before Ellie threatened Abby, she had a flashback of bloody Joel, suffering. This caused Ellie to feel the need to “finish what she started” in order to avenge Joel and to fulfill her quest. However, after attempting to drown Abby, she slowly started to get a flashback of Joel; not bloody Joel, but Joel playing the guitar, happy to see Ellie on the night of the dance. Ellie at that point started to realize that she needed to start forgiving herself. Not Abby or anyone else. Herself. It wouldn’t bring back Joel, but she thought to herself that it wasn’t right. She needed to save herself in order to break the cycle of violence (Lev would’ve gone after Ellie if Abby was killed). If it weren’t for Ellie finding closure, Abby and Lev would’ve died on the pillars and never make it to Catalina Island.

I praise Naughty Dog for this type of direction they were going with. They’ve warned people might not like it and it’s understandable. However, that does not mean that it gives people an excuse to make it look bad for others and sending death threats/ harsh comments to others. Part II WAS something I was not expecting at all. But I’d say that if you understand the messages in the game and take the time to understand the story and characters, it makes the gaming experience phenomenal.

I know that the biggest problem people have about the second game was Joel’s death being unexpected and too early. I agree; it was too soon. However, I felt that the story with flashbacks made that up for the most part. Also, it occurred to me (my own opinion) that Joel did not put much of a fight with the WLF because I felt that he knew deep down that the people who want to hurt him were somehow connected to the Fireflys from the hospital where he killed many people in order to save Ellie. He just didn’t have enough fight in him no longer after his confrontation with Ellie the night of the dance. He probably had to live with that guilt for all those years, even though Ellie would offer to try to forgive him for making her life actually matter. We have to keep in mind that Joel is a bad person (not to us the player, but to someone else). We love Joel, I love Joel dearly, but again, there are no heroes in this story.

Overall, I really really enjoyed Part 2. Lil bit more than the first one, even tho the first game has room in my heart. I’ll be honest; there are just a few few flaws it may have for story wise but overall was an amazing experience. I wish I could experience it again. Everything from gameplay, to story progression, to amazing acting. Congrats to Naughty Dog for an amazing masterpiece :D

*** Also, we all know that Ellie does go back to Jackson to be with Dina and their son and y’all can’t tell me otherwise :) ***

[richincolor]

We've hit the jackpot this week with new releases. There are so many to choose from. Which ones are you looking forward to?

The Silvered Serpents (The Gilded Wolves #2) by Roshani Chokshi Wednesday Books

They are each other’s fiercest love, greatest danger, and only hope.

Séverin and his team members might have successfully thwarted the Fallen House, but victory came at a terrible cost ― one that still haunts all of them. Desperate to make amends, Séverin pursues a dangerous lead to find a long lost artifact rumoured to grant its possessor the power of God.

Their hunt lures them far from Paris, and into icy heart of Russia where crystalline ice animals stalk forgotten mansions, broken goddesses carry deadly secrets, and a string of unsolved murders makes the crew question whether an ancient myth is a myth after all.

As hidden secrets come to the light and the ghosts of the past catch up to them, the crew will discover new dimensions of themselves. But what they find out may lead them down paths they never imagined.

A tale of love and betrayal as the crew risks their lives for one last job.  — Cover image and summary via Goodreads

Smash It! by Francina Simone Inkyard Press

Olivia “Liv” James is done with letting her insecurities get the best of her. So she does what any self-respecting hot mess of a girl who wants to SMASH junior year does…

After Liv shows up to a Halloween party in khaki shorts–why, God, why?–she decides to set aside her wack AF ways. She makes a list–a F*ck-It list.

1. Be bold–do the thing that scares me. 2. Learn to take a compliment. 3. Stand out instead of back.

She kicks it off by trying out for the school musical, saying yes to a date and making new friends. Life is great when you stop punking yourself! However, with change comes a lot of missteps, and being bold means following her heart. So what happens when Liv’s heart is interested in three different guys–and two of them are her best friends? What is she supposed to do when she gets dumped by a guy she’s not even dating? How does one Smash It! after the humiliation of being friend-zoned?

In Liv’s own words, “F*ck it. What’s the worst that can happen?” A lot, apparently. — Cover image and summary via Bookshop.org

Vampires Never Get Old: Tales with Fresh Bite edited by Zoraida Córdova and Natalie C. Parker Imprint

In this delicious new collection, you’ll find stories about lurking vampires of social media, rebellious vampires hungry for more than just blood, eager vampires coming out–and going out for their first kill–and other bold, breathtaking, dangerous, dreamy, eerie, iconic, powerful creatures of the night.

Welcome to the evolution of the vampire–and a revolution on the page. Vampires Never Get Old includes stories by authors both bestselling and acclaimed, including Samira Ahmed, Dhonielle Clayton, Zoraida C rdova and Natalie C. Parker, Tessa Gratton, Heidi Heilig, Julie Murphy, Mark Oshiro, Rebecca Roanhorse, Laura Ruby, Victoria “V. E.” Schwab, and Kayla Whaley. — Cover image and summary via Bookshop.org

Early Departures by Justin A. Reynolds Katherine Tegen Books

What if you could bring your best friend back to life–but only for a short time?

Jamal’s best friend, Q, doesn’t know that he died, and that he’s about to die . . . again. He doesn’t know that Jamal tried to save him. And that the reason they haven’t been friends for two years is because Jamal blames Q for the accident that killed his parents.

But what if Jamal could have a second chance? A new technology allows Q to be reanimated for a few weeks before he dies . . . permanently. And Q’s mom is not about to let anyone ruin this miracle by telling Q about his impending death. So how can Jamal fix everything if he can’t tell Q the truth?

Early Departures weaves together loss, grief, friendship, and love to form a wholly unique homage to the bonds that bring people together for life–and beyond. — Cover image and summary via Bookshop.org

Every Body Looking by Candice Iloh Dutton Books for Young Readers

“Ada” means first daughter, means oldest girl, means pressure. “Ada” means you are expected to do a lot of things because the honor of this family rests on your back.

When Ada leaves home for her freshman year at a Historically Black College, it’s the first time she’s ever been so far from her family—and the first time that she’s been able to make her own choices and to seek her place in this new world. As she stumbles deeper into the world of dance and explores her sexuality, she also begins to wrestle with her past—her mother’s struggle with addiction, her Nigerian father’s attempts to make a home for her. Ultimately, Ada discovers she needs to brush off the destiny others have chosen for her and claim full ownership of her body and her future.

Every Body Looking is a luminous and inspiring novel in verse about bearing the weight of others’ expectations and finding the courage to shape a life of one’s own. — Cover image and summary via Bookshop.org

How It All Blew Up by Arvin Ahmadi Viking Books for Young Readers

Eighteen-year-old Amir Azadi always knew coming out to his Muslim family would be messy–he just didn’t think it would end in an airport interrogation room. But when faced with a failed relationship, bullies, and blackmail, running away to Rome is his only option. Right?

Soon, late nights with new friends and dates in the Sistine Chapel start to feel like second nature… until his old life comes knocking on his door. Now, Amir has to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth to a US Customs officer, or risk losing his hard-won freedom.

At turns uplifting and devastating, How It All Blew Up is Arvin Ahmadi’s most powerful novel yet, a celebration of how life’s most painful moments can live alongside the riotous, life-changing joys of discovering who you are. — Cover image and summary via Bookshop.org

White Fox by Sara Faring Imprint

After their world-famous actor mother disappeared under mysterious circumstances, Manon and Thaïs left their remote Mediterranean island home–sent away by their pharma-tech tycoon father. Opposites in every way, the sisters drifted apart in their grief. Yet their mother’s unfinished story still haunts them both, and they can’t put to rest the possibility that she is still alive.

Lured home a decade later, Manon and Thaïs discover their mother’s legendary last work, long thought lost: White Fox, a screenplay filled with enigmatic metaphors. The clues in this dark fairytale draw them deep into the island’s surreal society, into the twisted secrets hidden by their glittering family, to reveal the truth about their mother–and themselves. — Cover image and summary via Bookshop.org

Miss Meteor by Tehlor Kay Mejia and Anna-Marie McLemore Harperteen

There hasn’t been a winner of the Miss Meteor beauty pageant who looks like Lita Perez or Chicky Quintanilla in all its history.

But that’s not the only reason Lita wants to enter the contest, or her ex-best friend Chicky wants to help her. The road to becoming Miss Meteor isn’t about being perfect; it’s about sharing who you are with the world–and loving the parts of yourself no one else understands.

So to pull off the unlikeliest underdog story in pageant history, Lita and Chicky are going to have to forget the past and imagine a future where girls like them are more than enough–they are everything. — Cover image and summary via Bookshop.org

When They Call You a Terrorist (Young Adult Edition): A Story of Black Lives Matter and the Power to Change the World by Patrisse Khan-Cullors & asha bendele Wednesday Books

A movement that started with a hashtag–#BlackLivesMatter–on Twitter spread across the nation and then across the world.

From one of the co-founders of the Black Lives Matter movement comes a poetic memoir and reflection on humanity. Necessary and timely, Patrisse Khan-Cullors’ story asks us to remember that protest in the interest of the most vulnerable comes from love. Leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement have been called terrorists, a threat to America. But in truth, they are loving women whose life experiences have led them to seek justice for those victimized by the powerful.

In this meaningful, empowering account of survival, strength, and resilience, Cullors and asha bandele seek to change the culture that declares innocent black life expendable. — Cover image and summary via Goodreads

[sambergscott]

Lights Out

Summary: The elevator jolts and the lights flicker, before plunging them into total darkness. There's a Brooklyn-wide power outage, they're stuck in the precinct elevator and Amy is claustrophobic AF. Then her water breaks.

Based on this amazing (!!!) s7 finale theory by @luna-minerva​. Thank you so much for letting me turn that into this. I really, really hope you love it. 

She has a birth plan written out by her sixth month of pregnancy detailing her preferences for labor — dimmed lights, calming music, an epidural, Jake by her side at all times — laminated in the apartment, her go bag (already pre-packed in their family friendly sedan) and her everyday purse. She sent copies to her doctor, both their parents and Captain Holt, printed one for Jake to keep at work and saved a digital copy in the Notes app on both their phones. Just in case.

(“Single spaced, double sided: Santiago Style,” Jake grins when she hands over the final draft.

“Of course. It’s an important document about the most important moment of our lives. I want everything to go smoothly.”)

And for most of her pregnancy, it does. She sends him out for pierogis, potato pancakes and hot chocolate most nights, cries over every car commercial on TV and waddles around the apartment making sure everything is perfect for when the baby arrives. The doctor assures her that they’re both healthy, but she should take an early maternity leave, given the stresses of her job.

She survives for one day before she’s back at the precinct, prompting several raised eyebrows and whispers from around the bullpen. Ignoring all of them, she hitches her purse onto her shoulder, lifts her head, and marches determinately to her old desk.

“FOMOW?” Jake guesses with an amused smile.

“It’s not FOMOW,” she huffs in annoyance. “I just finished organising the nursery and since I was passing the precinct, I figured I’d come visit my husband, if that’s OK with you.”

“Hey, I’m not complaining,” he holds his hands up. “I’ve missed having a beautiful lady to look up at when my paperwork gets boring.” He wiggles his eyebrows playfully. “I suppose you’ll do.”

She rolls her eyes, sitting down and trying to make herself as comfortable as possible, a difficult task when you’re as big as a whale and your back has been aching all day.

“Peralta,” Holt’s new assistant barks as he leaves Holt’s office, “you missed some signatures on this report.” He drops it on top of all the other open case files, candy wrappers and clutter on Jake’s desk, a welcome change from the way Gina would turn their work into paper airplanes and fly them across the bullpen. As Jake starts scribbling his name, Holt’s assistant notices Amy. “Can I help you, ma’am?”

“Oh, I’m OK. I work here. Well, I used to work here. I’m on maternity leave.”

“Of course,” he nods, realisation spreading across his face. “You’re Sergeant Santiago. Captain Holt mentions you constantly.”

“He does?” She clutches her heart. “Jake, did you hear that? Holt mentions me.”

He mouths “dork” and she sticks her tongue out at him.

“So when’s the baby due? You look ready to pop any day now.”

“Two weeks,” Jake answers on her behalf, sensing danger. The ‘ready to pop’ comment has been driving her crazy for weeks. She is well aware of her size and does not need perfect strangers reminding her. She’s pregnant, not a contestant on America’s Next Top Model. She’s supposed to be big. He shoves the signed documents into Holt’s assistant’s hands and glances apprehensively back at his wife. “You OK?”

“Mm-hmm.” She plasters on a brave face. “Can’t believe I’m saying this but I actually miss Gina.”

Jake snorts and presses play on CCTV footage of a robbery.

She twists her engagement ring on her finger, braids the ends of her hair and straightens a pile of folders on the desk. She is something of a workaholic and not being able to do anything is torture. “Any cool cases you’re working on?” She asks Jake, because what else are husbands for if not living vicariously through their work while on maternity leave?

“Hipster coffee shop got broken into last night. The owner was devastated that she had to drink Starbucks this morning like the rest of us instead of her fancy $8 million gold infused coffee blend from Outer Mongolia.”

“At least she gets to drink coffee,” Amy responds snarkily.

“Worth it though,” he grins. “And I’ll be your personal in-home barista once this baby is out.”

“Thanks, babe. You’re the sweetest.” She rounds their desks to give him a chaste kiss (she may not be in work but they are still at work), when something catches her eye on the screen. She instructs him to rewind the video, pointing out that the intruder has the same bone structure and blonde hair as the owner behind the counter.

Jake gasps. “It was an inside job!”

A failing business tries to scam the insurance company; it’s a tale as old as time.

He grabs his phone, gun and jacket in a rush to arrest the owner before they skip town.

“Can I come with you?”

“What?”

“I want to come with you. I’m the one who solved the case.”

“You’re pregnant. You can’t.”

“I’ll walk ahead of you, pretend I’m just a normal customer,” she pleads. “You know I’m good at going undercover. Remember Dora?”

“Of course I remember Dora, Johnny loved Dora, but this is different. It’s too dangerous.”

“They own a hipster coffee shop, Jake,” she deadpans. “They’re not going to hurt a pregnant lady. I’m FOMOWing so bad, I just want to be there.”

“Ames-.”

“Please, Jake,” she kicks her persuasion tactics up a few notches, pulling out the doe eyes and pout that she knows he can’t resist.

“Fine,” he concedes before she starts crying and playing the “I’m having your baby” card. “You can come. But if anything dangerous goes down, you have to get out of there straight away. You can’t get involved.”

“Deal.” She shakes his hand firmly (she took a refresher seminar a few months ago) and retrieves her purse from her old desk, following him to the elevator like old times. Peralta and Santiago off to take down bad guys (and look good doin’ it). Of course, there will be no actual taking down of bad guys nine months pregnant, although she could do it if she wanted to, she’s definitely felt the urge to kick Charles in the shin whenever he brings them disgusting foods or tries to kiss her belly.

Just being there is enough for now.

She speeds up, reaching the elevator before him and pressing the down button first. She smirks at him over her shoulder and steps inside when the doors open. Despite being married and expecting a kid together, their competitive edge has never wavered. In the last few months alone, they’ve bet on the sex of the baby, who would cry first when they heard the heartbeat, what fruit or vegetable their baby is that week and who can put a diaper on a football fastest. Bets are the cornerstone of their relationship — the original bet sparking Jake’s realisation that he liked her liked her — and Amy can’t wait for their kids to join in when they’re old enough.

(Kids, plural, because for some reason, even after difficulty conceiving and morning sickness and FOMOW, she would still go through pregnancy all over again. They don’t quite want eight like her parents, but at least one more would be nice).

Rosa’s black boots stop the elevator doors closing and she squeezes through the gap. “Got an early lunch date,” she explains.

“Oh,” Amy says, sharing A Look™️ with Jake. Rosa hasn’t dated anyone since Jocelyn dumped her, choosing to be on her own for a while since she hasn’t really had time alone to process her almost marriage to Pimento, prison and coming out. Repairing her relationship with her parents has been her #1 priority and this is the first Amy’s heard about her seeing someone new. “Is it... serious?” She tries not to push too hard because otherwise Rosa will just close off (it’s pointless asking about names or jobs or appearance), which is hard because she just wants her to be as happy as she is with Jake, but also knows from past experience that Rosa will eventually reveal the information when she’s ready.

“It could be,” she responds vaguely. “I like her, but she’s a doctor so we both work way too much.”

“Well, I hope it works out. You deserve someone really great.”

Rosa pulls her in for a tight, unexpected hug. “Thanks, Santiago,” she murmurs, her voice cracking as if she’s about to cry.

The elevator jolting and lights flickering ruins the moment. After a few terrifying seconds, it stops completely and they are plunged into darkness.

Amy’s blood runs cold, panic filling her lungs. She’s had this nightmare a million times, having suffered with claustrophobia ever since her brothers locked her in a closet as a kid.

She hears Jake’s “cool, cool, cool, cool, cool” and Rosa saying that it’s probably a power cut, but she can’t speak. She can’t do anything but think about how they’re never going to get out and how the squad will have to send them food supplies through the safety hatch in the ceiling and how they’ll have to raise their baby in this tiny metal box, teaching her to count using the buttons to the different precinct floors.

She feels pain, a fun combination of Braxton Hicks that she’s been having for weeks and panic attack. She tries to focus on her breathing and not on the four walls closing in on her. When the breathing techniques fail, she focuses on Jake.

Kind, funny, handsome Jake. Her husband, but more than that, her best friend. She concentrates on the toothpaste stain on the front of his shirt, his unruly curls that she loves so much, the ring on his finger glinting in the light from Rosa’s phone. His own phone is pressed to his ear and she can only hear one side of the conversation but it’s clear that he’s debriefing Holt.

“- Me, Amy, Rosa -"

“- We’re fine, just stuck -"

“- How long?  -”

“Shit.” He hangs up, pocketing his phone. “Power’s out everywhere. Our back-up generators haven’t kicked in, something about air in the fuel system. The fire department are busy with the blackout and we’re apparently not an emergency, so. We could be in here a while.”

“Shit,” Rosa echoes his sentiment.

“Yeah. You OK, Ames?” He turns his attention to her.

She shakes her head meekly.

“Claustrophobic?” Rosa guesses, remembering her reaction to being locked in the trunk when she was trying to get her and Gina to face their fears.

She nods.

“We can play Celebrity to distract ourselves. I’ll go first. He’s the greatest actor -.”

“Bruce Willis,” Amy and Rosa say at the same time.

“Thought I’d give you an easy one to start,” he blushes.

Amy almost laughs despite the overwhelming fear. She loves him, Bruce Willis obsession and all. She takes a few seconds to think of someone good. Then, “They’re in - oh - water -.”

“They’re in water?” Rosa repeats, confused. “You mean like Jaws?”

“Or Finding Dory?” Jake adds. He made her watch the movie with him after Pimento’s Memento disease and now wants to buy a fish and call it Dory, even though he famously killed her fish back when they were dating. “Is it Ellen?”

“No, my water.”

Jake and Rosa both look down in horror. She buries her face in her hands. As if this situation could not get any worse.

“At least this classifies us as an emergency now,” Jake quips.

Rosa does Amy a favour and punches him in the arm.

--

They notify Holt — who in turn notifies the FDNY — and Jake sends a text to both their parents.

Rosa climbs onto Jake’s shoulders and opens the safety hatch so Charles can lower a care package of towels and bottled water into the elevator.

(He also delivers Sour Candies, upon Jake’s request).

Terry tries to pull the doors apart, but even his tree trunk arms are no match for the heavy metal.

Amy breathes through her contractions, stubbornly determined to stick to her birth plan and give birth in the hospital.

Her body, however, has other ideas.

“Four minutes apart now,” Rosa announces. She punches a wall out of frustration. “Where the hell are those firefighters?”

“They’re not going to make it in time,” Jake responds, equally frustrated. “Camila warned me months ago that Santiago babies come early, fast and are always boys.”

“This baby is half-Peralta and a girl. She might be the exception.” Amy takes a sip of water, ignoring the look of disbelief on Jake’s face.

“Diaz, you went to med school, tell my wife that this baby isn’t going to wait.”

Rosa opens her mouth to speak but Amy cuts her off.

“Diaz, tell my husband that the contractions aren’t even that painful and we have time.”

--

As it turns out, they don’t have time at all.

She’s feels pressure, the urge to push, and not even the glug glug glug of Rosa’s babbling brook sounds can calm her down.

“I do not want to give birth in the precinct elevator,” she cries.

Jake, on back rubbing duty, exchanges nervous glances with Rosa. She’s fully dilated and with the fire department still busy tackling other emergencies, this is happening. Right here. Right now.

“You know, it’s actually kind of perfect, Ames. We first met outside this elevator, right? And I kept the elevator doors open to let you win the Jimmy Jabs because of my massivecrush on you. And then you let me win to save our car. We fell in love in this precinct. It’s where we had our first for realz kiss, where we got engaged, where we got married. It’s kind of fitting that it’s also where our baby is going to be born.”

She tilts her head back to kiss him, ignoring Rosa’s complaints that they’re gross.

She thinks back to her wedding vows. Not everything is in our control, but as long as you’re with the right people you can handle anything. And you, Jake Peralta, are the right person for me. She can handle this with Jake by her side. She can bring their daughter into the world.

“OK... I’m ready.”

“That’s my girl,” Jake says proudly, shuffling into a better position to hold her hand and see the baby when she comes out.

They all disinfect their hands with Purrell from Amy’s purse and Rosa explains what’s going to happen and Jake jokes that he feels like Sandra Oh in Grey’s Anatomy.

Rosa rolls her eyes. “Christina was a heart surgeon, dumb dumb. You’re thinking of Addison. What?” She questions at their surprised expressions. “I like Grey’s Anatomy! It makes me feel things! I’m not totally heartless.”

Amy releases a string of expletives as another contraction starts.

“We’re going to start pushing on the next one,” Rosa instructs, forgetting her favourite medical drama.

Amy nods quickly.

Jake brushes fallen strands of hair away from her sweat-covered skin and takes her hand. “Squeeze as hard as you need to, babe.”

--

No amount of studying or listening to her mom’s stories could prepare her for the pain of pushing a baby out. It’s worse than the time her brother pushed her off the monkey bars when she was eight and she broke her arm, worse than the time she got shot in the line of duty, worse than the heartbreak of Jake being sentenced to 15 years in prison. It’s worse than anything she’s ever experienced and when it’s over she has so many questions for her mom, including why on Earth did she do this so many times?!

She’s also going to thank Jake for not complaining once and buy Rosa many drinks for her part in all this.

Having her colleague deliver her baby was definitely not part of the birth plan, but out of everyone they work with, she’s glad that it’s Rosa.

Rosa who’s been there for Jake since the Academy.

Rosa who has always had her back, too, who comforted her when Jake was in Florida, helped get her to her Sergeant’s exam on time and encouraged Jake to ask her out.

(And thank God she did).

--

Labor is exhausting.

It’s painful and emotional and long.

“You’re so close,” Jake cheers her on when she hits a wall.

“He’s right. I can see her head. One more push, Santiago.”

“I can’t-.”

“You can,” Rosa insists. “1,000 push ups.”

“OK,” she whispers. Rosa doesn’t just throw around 1,000 push ups willy nilly. It means something. And if Rosa is so confident that she can do this, then she can do it.

She pushes and pushes and eventually hears a baby’s cry.

It’s the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard.

When Rosa places her in Amy’s arms for immediate skin-to-skin, all four of them are openly weeping.

She’s the most perfect person she’s ever seen.

“I love you both so much,” Jake murmurs, kissing the top of Amy’s head. He leans down to kiss his daughter, too, marvelling over the fact that he gets to say my daughter now.

They cuddle for a while, quietly bickering over who she looks most like. They decide that she has Jake’s hair, nose and mouth and, when she opens her eyes for a second to see what all the fuss is about, he is thrilled to discover that she has the same beautiful eyes as her mom.

They wrap her up in Jake’s favourite blue hoodie to keep her warm and Rosa snaps their first official family portrait and sends it to their parents, Amy’s brothers and the Nine-Nine’s WhatsApp group. She reads out the messages of congratulations that fly in, making Jake and Amy both cry some more.

Finally she interrupts their family time to cut the cord, pulling out her pocket knife and lighter from her leather jacket.

Jake’s eyes go comically wide. “You’re going to use a knife?”

“Do you have any other suggestions?” She snaps.

He falls silent.

“Thought so.” She sterilises the blade (recently sharpened following Brad Leone’s tutorial from the BA Test Kitchen) with her lighter and carefully cuts the umbilical cord.

“Say thank you Tía Rosa,” Amy coos, stroking her daughter’s tiny hand.

“Tía?”

“Mm-hmm,” Amy hums with a tired smile. “We were going to ask you to be her godmother anyway, but I think you have more than earned that role now.”

“I’d be honoured,” she responds.

--

After another hour and a half stuck in the elevator, the lights come back on, the elevator doors open with a ping and they are suddenly faced with a crowd of concerned police officers, firefighters and paramedics, little Maya Peralta gracing the rest of the world in the most dramatic of fashion.

The firefighters spring into gear, holding the elevator doors shut while others help Amy into an awaiting wheelchair.

Jake hovers next to the paramedics as they check Maya’s vitals. Thankfully, everything is normal, they clean her up and replace Jake’s blood-stained hoodie with a warm blanket.

“She’s perfect,” the female paramedic tells him as she hands Maya back to her dad, confirming what he knew the second he laid eyes on her.

They then turn their attention to Amy, who is fine — more than fine, she’s the happiest she’s ever been — just a little sore. They decide to take them both into hospital as a precautionary measure since Maya is two weeks early (Santiago Style!), packing up their equipment while Jake and Amy introduce the Nine-Nine’s newest recruit to the rest of the squad.

Terry says something about little girls being the best, Hitchcock and Scully claim not to have known Amy was even pregnant and Holt’s stoic façade crumbles when Maya grips his finger with her entire hand.

Charles’ eyes are red and puffy like he’s been crying, but he’s uncharacteristically calm when Jake asks if he wants to hold her. He nods, of course, and is enamoured with her the moment he feels her weight in his arms.

This isn’t how she planned it —none of it is — she wanted the controlled hospital birth and the grandparents to meet the baby first and she really wanted to catch the perp from the coffee shop robbery, but Jake was right. It’s kind of perfect that she was born here, in the Nine-Nine, surrounded by their second family.

She meets her husband’s eye and smiles.

[oswildin]

Human ~ Dhawan!Master x Reader

~ Inspired by some prompts I found and Clara’s argument with the Doctor in Kill The Moon ~

Request: Hi could I also request a Dhawan!Master x reader fic too please. You work is incredible by the way. ( @lea813france )

Summary: The Master has gone too far, and the consequence is losing you.

Warnings: Angsty af ya’ll

You’d been travelling with the Master for a while now. You knew what he was like. He was chaotic, unpredictable and most of all dangerous. You knew all of it. But that was the risks you took when you decided to travel with him, leaving everything behind. You didn’t know why, but you just felt inclined to go with him. It wasn’t like he offered you to come along either. But you felt perhaps he needed someone to keep an eye on him, put him in his place every now and again, and at least try to humble him.

You couldn’t understand it, but something drew you to him. It was undeniable. You felt oddly calm around him, but also on edge at the same time. It was a bizarre feeling. Something indescribable. Perhaps that’s why you’d stuck around for so long.

Don’t get me wrong, he annoyed the hell out of you. Certain choices he made, you definitely didn’t agree with, and would often spend days sulking about it, ignoring him. Which of course, he didn’t mind, gave him time to think and plot. You were one of the few people who weren’t afraid to stand up to him. He thought you were brave but also very stupid for doing so.

But this time, he’d gone too far. He’d put you in an impossible situation. He wanted you to destroy a civilisation. They were planning war on the universe, plotting away. He told you it was your choice to make. He wanted to see what you would do, how far you would go. He gave you a choice. Kill them, or risk letting them start a war. Of course, you couldn’t do it. You were panicking, crying, begging for him to help. But he just stood there, analysing you. He wanted you to make the decision, not him.

You entered the TARDIS, a numb feeling in your body as you felt your hands tremble. The Master casually strolled past you, not sparing you a single glance as he approached the console. You stared at him in anger. You had never felt so... Small. So... Helpless.

“What gives you the right?”

You muttered quietly, voice shaking from anger. He peered up, finally glancing at you as he took in your disheveled appearance. He could see the fire in your eyes. The disgust as you looked at him. He stayed silent, allowing you to continue.

“You put me in an impossible situation. What was it? A test?” You furrowed your brows, staring at him, hurt all across your features.

“I suppose.” He shrugged, continuing to fiddle with the buttons on the controls as you let out a shaky breath.

“So I’m just another one of your little games? Something to occupy the time with?!” You snapped, narrowing your eyes as he looked at you blankly, before he narrowed his own eyes.

“You wanted to come along. I didn’t ask.” He told you sternly, before you let out a breathy laugh, shaking you head in disbelief.

“You’re unbelievable.” You breathed out. “You are selfish, cruel... no you know what... You are despicable.” You spat, as he flared his nostrils at your words. “You think you’re so high and mighty. The oh so powerful Master.” You sneered as he took a threatening step forwards. No one, would speak to him that way.

“Watch your-“ He began, before you cut him off.

“I’m not finished, so shut up.” You hissed, as he growled under his breath. “I trusted you. You took that and you abused it. Who gave you the right to put me in that position?!” You exclaimed, anger shaking through your body.

“You did.” He said lowly. “When you stepped through those doors, when you let me into your life... That was all you.” He stood inches away from you as you felt the drying tear tracks on your cheeks. You shook your head in disgust.

“No.” You told him. “Don’t you dare pin this on me. This was all you!” You pointed at him. “I may have known the consequences of running away with you, but never, ever did I think you would do something like this to me.” You said sincerely, your face softening as sadness took over, slowly replacing the anger. He furrowed his brows, tilting his head ever so slightly as he looked at you. You couldn’t read the emotion behind his eyes.

“I wanted you to feel how is it to be me.” He told you. “To feel the adrenaline, that buzz...” He patted his chest. “In here...” You felt a tear fall. “How it feels to end a civilisation, all is takes is a push of a button.” You could see the burning rage in his eyes, realising this was him. This was the true him; scared, angry and unhinged.

“But I am not you!” You cried, feeling your lip tremble. “I never will be. I would never let myself become like you.” You admitted as he tensed his jaw, sniffling as he turned away, heading back to the controls.

“Then it’s time you left.” He told you emptily as he began to fly the ship. You swallowed the lump in your throat as it felt dry, sore from the crying. You stayed silent the flight home, as you awaited the landing. Finally it came. He didn’t turn to look back at you, as you took it as your sign to leave. You slowly walked towards the door, taking a breath before turning back one last time.

“I realised...” You began, voice soft. “I realised I was in love with you, when all my decisions revolved around you.” You croaked out, as you never saw his reaction, as you made a quick exit, closing the door behind you as you found yourself in your flat. You didn’t turn, hearing the ship disappear as you finally let yourself crumble.

It had been months since you left the Master. You found it difficult to get back into the swing of things on Earth. Luckily he had put you back not long after you had left, meaning you still had a job to go to. You often missed it. When you’d serve people their drinks, you would often find yourself searching for things that reminded you of him. As much as you hated him... You couldn’t help but still love him. You knew he was broken. You understood his pain, but it ran deeper than you ever thought possible.

You never expected him to feel the same towards you, but you had hoped that somewhere in his hearts, he felt some form of admiration, appreciation towards you. And on that day, all that hope was snatched away, diminished. It left you feeling empty inside. It changed your perception of people. You never truly know what they are capable of.

“I’ll take a tea.”

You froze upon hearing that voice. You didn’t dare turn around... You felt that sadness reignite within as you had wished to hear that voice again... Slowly, you turned, seeing the familiar face stood at the counter of your work as he looked emotionless at you. You tried to find the words, but nothing was coming out of your mouth.

“What are you doing here?” You managed to push out, just above a whisper.

“Trying to make amends.” He admitted as you felt your heart stop at his words.

You sat opposite him, managing to convince your boss to give you a break early as you fiddled with your apron, not sure where to begin or even how to. So he did.

“The tea here is awful.” He grimaced as he placed down the piping hot cup of tea back onto the table. You didn’t smile. Not even a bit. This was going to be harder than he thought. “Got back into the swing of things then? That mundane human life...” He glanced around at the other people in the cafe, watching them all living their pointless lives.

“What did you expect me to do?” You finally spoke, peering up at him as he found his gaze back on your own.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I just assumed you would’ve looked for something a bit more adventurous.” He admitted, raising a brow. You scoffed.

“I think I’ve had enough of that in my lifetime, don’t you?” You snapped as he bit his lip, clearing his throat awkwardly.

“You always were too emotional.” He commented as you clenched your jaw.

“Says you.” You retorted. “You’re the one harbouring all those emotions, letting them out in toxic ways.” You argued, as he pulled a face, before nodding sharply.

“Fair point.” He said, as you was taken back by his admission. “I made a mistake.” You furrowed your brows at his words.

“Well... I didn’t expect that.” You whispered, surprised as he gave you a glare.

“Can you shut up for one second? I’m trying to apologise.” You couldn’t help but smirk at his snarky request, as it slowly began to feel like the good old days again. “Truth is, I don’t care what anyone thinks.” He sat back in his seat. “Never have.” He sniffed. “But then you... Some stupid little human, came waltzing into my life.” You rolled your eyes at his dig, before leaning forwards, placing your arms on the table.

“I don’t think I know you anymore.” You admitted, as he looked at you with a stoic expression. There was a brief moment of silence before you spoke again. “The worst thing is... even after what you did... all of that...” You swallowed the lump in your throat. “I’m still in love with you.” You whispered, voice shaking slightly, as you felt tears burning your eyes. You quickly tore your gaze away from his as you sniffled, clearing your throat, feeling pathetic at your admission. The Master didn’t say anything, staring at you in surprise, with sympathy in his eyes.

“You should’ve known not to fall for me.” He muttered as you gave him a tight smile.

“Yeah well... I’m only human.” You joked lightly as you peered at the clock. “My breaks nearly over.” You told him.

“Come with me.” He offered, leaning forwards once again. You stared at him, wanting nothing more than to say yes. But you knew that was your heart talking. You gave him a sad smile.

“I can’t.” You shook your head sadly. “I just can’t.” You saw a flash of disappointment on his features as he pushed himself back in his seat again. “I still need time.” You looked at him, furrowing your brows. “How long has it been for you?” You asked, noticing how his face had more lines than you remembered, his eyes looked more tired and desperate. He shrugged, clicking his tongue.

“I don’t know.” He told you, not looking at you. “Few years.” He admitted as you felt your heart skip a beat. Even after all that time... He still thought of you... Wanted you back...

“Years?” You croaked out, as you looked at him with big eyes. “Was there...” You fiddled with your apron again. “Was there anyone else?” You asked, fearing the answer as he shook his head.

“No.” He told you. “Never could’ve been.” You gave him a small smile at that.

“Come back tomorrow.” You told him, standing from your seat. “Ask me again.” You gave him a soft smile. “You never know I might say yes.” You hesitantly reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder as he tensed at the touch. “Also, the tea isn’t awful, you just have bad taste.” You teased, before he gave you a small smile as you walked away, going back to your job.

And of course, you did say yes the next day. You couldn’t stay angry at him long, knowing he had had years to think it over, to regret everything. And you had to admit, that made him pretty human to you.

~

Taglist: @drapetxmaniia @dannighost @imagine-whatever @yourlocalspacebisexual @the-sweet-space-bi @blamerogertaylor @koschei-taylor @koschei-studies @lostshadow12 @hannahlilyyx @wonders-of-the-multiverse @ettorah @nikey-no-likey @imthedoctorlove @twentysomethingloser92 @sometimes-i-feel-like-falling @hellothedoctorisreal @tragic-and-tried @kind-sober-fullydressed @ateliefloresdaprimavera @chiswicknoble @sherly-not-obsessed

[lifeinahole27]

CS ff: “Walking the Tightrope” (Epilogue) (au)

Summary: Killian’s daily routines are a matter of habit. When he wakes up late one morning, his routines all change for the better. Emma doesn’t care about routines, but she does care about Killian, no matter how reluctant she is to admit it to herself.

Rating: E (the content warnings matter this time!)

Content Warnings: There’s uhhh... poetry smut.

A Special Thank You: My continued gratitude to my lovely friends, @captainstudmuffin and @phiralovesloki. And a heap of love to @captainswanbigbang for putting this together and helping me accomplish this.

A/N: Holy crap! Here we are! It’s the end of the story!! Now, for those of you who read the original story, there’s not a whole lot that’s changed. I edited everything to fit the rest of the story and writing style, since the original version was a little rough, but other than little bits, it’s what you remember. If you didn’t read this, then welcome to the end! 

My eternal gratitude to those who helped me finish this, those who helped find my errors (my two lovely ladies are listed above), to those who read this! Who reblogged it! Who left comments and sweet tags and sent messages and made this all worth it. I constantly say that I cannot express how thankful I am and it’s true. With only words, I can only say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. <3<3

This epilogue is meant to tie bows around a couple major things and send these off the best way I know how. I still have a stack of headcanons and info that wouldn’t fit in here. I would love to share these things if anyone is curious. If you are, or have questions, or want to talk about specific parts, please send me messages. I would love to chat about this world that has lived in my brain and morphed over the last FIVE YEARS. 

(Poetry included is not mine: All rights reserved to Pablo Neruda "My love, understand me" and "Night on the Island" and to Leonard Cohen "The Mists of Pornography")

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 |

Find it on Ao3 & FFN!

-x-

Epilogue: The Art of Poetry

-x- April 

The day that Killian forgets the coffee mugs on his counter is the day he locks himself out of his apartment for the first time. He and Emma huddle on the front stoop together in the early morning chill waiting for his landlord to come unlock the door. He opens his jacket and pulls her closer, jumping when her cold nose touches his collarbone and she chuckles as she repeats the action until her nose is warm and he’s even warmer. They thank Marco profusely when he arrives with the spare set of keys.

They’re also both late for work that day.

The next day, when Emma comes back from getting coffee, there’s an envelope propped in front of her computer at work. When she opens it, a weight settles in the envelope and she pulls out the folded note. Killian’s neat handwriting stretches across the paper.

“My love,

understand me,

I love all of you,

from eyes to feet, to toenails,

inside

all the brightness, which you kept.

It is I, my love,

who knocks at your door.”

So next time I lock myself out, you can unlock it for me.

She peers into the envelope to see the key resting in the bottom and thinks he may be onto something with poetry if it always sounds like that.

Emma makes sure to beat Killian to the door when they walk back to his place after work so she can try out her new key, and she only smiles wider when the lock slides open. She makes a big show of swinging open the door, gesturing him inside with a sweep of her arm. 

When she gets home that night, Snow and David have once again broken into her loft, but she doesn’t much care for two reasons. Firstly, she knew they were going to do this after they texted her twenty minutes ago and asked whether or not she was spending the night at Killian’s. Secondly, it takes her five whole seconds to read the message on Snow’s shirt that proudly states that she’s “Pregnant AF” (the shirt’s words, not hers) and there’s a whole bunch of happy crying and flailing that follows. 

-x- Late August

Emma arrives home a little late one night to Killian already making dinner. The routines they do still live with all include household chores and the way they divvy them up, and she’s perfectly fine with the structure he’s brought to her previously chaotic lifestyle. He glances over his shoulder when she walks in and smiles.

“Get stuck late again?”

“Not quite,” she says as she comes to stand behind him. “That smells amazing, by the way.”

“It’ll be done in just a bit.”

“Want me to set the table?”

“I’d like to know why you’re avoiding a simple inquiry into why you were so late in such an obvious manner.”

Emma sighs heavily. “I kind of walked all the way back to the loft before I realized I didn’t live there anymore.”

“Kind of? I don’t think that’s something you can kind of do, love,” he says, still managing to stir whatever it is he’s making even when she goes to swat his arm. 

“Okay, so I did. You said it yourself, though. Old habits, right?” She hops up on the counter to watch him cook. 

“Indeed, love. So, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How do you feel our adventures have measured up to the expectations?”

“Well, you didn’t turn into a frog.”

“Aye, I’m sure there’s still time for that. We’re only in the middle of this tale. We’ll just have to see where the pages take us from here.”

“You are such a fucking romance novelist,” she says, laughing brightly when Killian removes his sauce from the stove and turns it off before he moves in to attack. And even though she’s squirming to get away from his nimble fingers as they target her ticklish spots, she sends up a quick thank you to Killian’s faulty alarm clock and his old habit of routines. 

-x- September

“You could just leave those until later,” Killian says, coming up behind Emma as she washes their dishes from dinner. He has his hand and hook on her hips and his lips on her hair, his voice full of implication. 

He’s learned not to try to talk her out of cleaning up, and instead he just enjoys distracting her in the best ways possible. 

She’s wearing a skirt - something she only does when she’s out of leggings - and the soft gray jersey fabric clings to her hips before flaring and draping down. It hides much of her legs, but her backside looks fantastic in it. On top, she has a light yellow shirt that’s tickling at his memories, the lines of a poem he once memorized during his university years making their way back to mind. 

Steady movements continue as she washes and rinses each dish, stacking them in the drying rack before starting to scrub out the sink. He’s struggling to remember the lines, yellow sweater, and with a smirk he glides his hand down to palm the back of her thigh.

“These are anything but boyish haunches,” he says out loud. Emma gasps as the shift from peaceful innocence to dirty.

“What?”

He hums, nosing some of her hair aside so he can find her neck with his lips. “From a poem. Your shirt brought it back to me. ‘The Mists of Pornography’ was the title,” he responds, moving his hand to the front of her thigh and sliding it up to rest on a spot right below her hipbones.

“Why am I not surprised that you know something with ‘pornography’ in the title?”

“Ah, but Swan, it’s about much more than that. Close your eyes. Listen,” he says, and uses his hook to brush the hair off her neck and lean closer to her ear. He sways just a little bit closer as he starts to speak. 

When you rose out of the mist / of pornography - He runs a single finger along her spine until it rests between her shoulders - with your talk of marriage / and orgies / I was a mere boy / of fifty-seven / trying to make a fast buck / in the slow lane / It was ten years too late / but I finally got / the most beautiful girl / on the religious left / to go with her lips / to the sunless place - and here he makes sure to push his hips against her to emphasize as she snorts. He continues reciting, crowding her against the counter, making sure the edge is pressing right where he wants it to.

This was my life / in Los Angeles / when you slowly / removed your yellow sweater - As he speaks, he slowly draws her shirt over her head and she lifts her arms - and I slobbered over / your boyish haunches - He runs his hand over the path that started this all and pushes the skirt off her hips to rub over the back of a now-bare thigh - and I tried to be / a husband / to your dark and motherly / intentions.

I thank you / for the ponderous songs / I brought to completion / instead of fucking you / more often - He punctuates by rolling his hips against her and she gasps as she clutches the sink for stability, and he keeps going.

Your panic cannot hurry me here / and my panic and falling / shoulders / our shameless lives / are the grains / scattered for an offering / before the staggering heights / of our love - His hand glides over her stomach and up to cup a breast through her bra. He’s sure she can feel where his cock is pressing against her ass, hard and wanting. Her hips are pinned against the sink and with each line, he thrusts against her, slowly lighting the fuse of what promises to be a spectacular orgasm if he doesn’t stop.

And the other side of your anxiety / is a hammock of sweat / and moaning - It’s getting harder to pay attention to the poem, especially when he pulls down the straps and cups of her bra, palm meeting her already hardened nipples as he alternates between them. Her body shudders with pleasure and he struggles to continue - and time comes down / like the smallest pet of God / to lick our fingers - he licks her shoulder instead - as we sleep / in the tangle / of straps and bracelets. 

With a great deal of effort, he keeps going, trying to make the lines appear in his head so he can read them off with ease and still give her the attention she deserves - and Oh the sweetness of first nights / and twenty-third nights / and nights / after death and bitterness - She reaches one arm back to wrap around his neck and firmly grasps his hair - and the impeccable order / of the objects on the table - He’s rocking her into the counter at just the right speed and he can tell how close she is with each new word - the weightless irrelevance / of all our old intentions / as we undo / as we undo / every difference.

With the last word of the poem out of his mouth, she tugs hard at his hair and she climaxes, coming undone and leaning back against his chest and tries to catch her breath. 

“Oh god, Killian,” she moans. He’s still rocking them against the counter as she rides out her orgasm. “By far, this is the most interesting way you’ve ever made me orgasm.

“Have I made you a fan of poetry yet, Swan?” He moves his hand back down to her hips, his fingers sliding just under the waist of her panties. She feels loose and light as she turns in his arms and pulls him against her.

“A couple more poems like that and I can definitely be convinced,” she says. “But for now I think I’m more interested in spending time with this one. What was that about lips and sunless places?”

His mind reels because she drops to her knees between him and the cabinets. He grips the counter for stability when she drags her teeth over the zipper of his slacks.

“Think you can recite another one?” She unfastens his trousers, sliding the material down and taking his boxer briefs with it. She wraps one hand around the base of his cock, lightly gripping his hip with the other.

“Hmm?” He’s concentrating really hard on not rocking his hips forward into her skilled hands, incredibly aware of the counter just behind her head. The absolute last thing he wants to do is accidentally give his girlfriend a concussion.

“Another poem, Killian. You have another one up in that head of yours?” She leans in and licks the tip of his erection, grinning up at him.

His mind scrambles for any other poems he memorized.

“You’re making it incredibly difficult to concentrate, love, but I did always love a challenge” he admits, another moan pulling from him as she wraps her lips around the head and sucks lightly. She pulls back again and looks up at him, her smile shining in her eyes.

“You once promised to read me dirty poetry. You’ve given me one. Surely you have another up there,” she says before leaning forward to kiss a spot below his hip bone. 

“There once was a man from Nantucket,” he starts, but she cuts him off with her laughter.

“No, no. Make it a good one.”

The poem that finally makes its way to his mind is not dirty, but he knows she’ll appreciate it. He clears his throat, closing his eyes and trying to concentrate on the words in his head instead of the love at his feet.

All night I have slept with you / next to the sea, on the island. He begins, and she runs her hands along his thighs. Wild and sweet you were between pleasure and sleep, / between fire and water. She grips his cock again and begins stroking it gently, placing kisses along his hip again as he continues.

Perhaps very late / our dreams joined / at the top or at the bottom, / up above like—

“Fuck, Emma,” he moans, her mouth going from the innocence of kisses to wrapping her lips around him once more and swirling her tongue around the tip.

“Keep going,” she pants out when she breaks away, dipping her head right back in when he starts reciting once more.

Perhaps your dream / drifted from mine / and through the dark sea / was seeking me / as before, / when you did not yet exist, / when without sighting you / I sailed by your side, / and your eyes sought / what now—/ bread, wine, love, and anger—/ I heap upon you / because you are the cup / that was waiting for the gifts of my life.

The hand that isn’t gripping the base of his cock trails up his thigh once more, pausing on his hip for a moment before brushing under the shirt that he’s still wearing and she runs her nails down his chest.

I have slept with you / all night long while / the dark earth spins / with the living and the dead, / and on waking suddenly / in the midst of the shadow / my arm encircled your waist. / Neither night nor sleep / could separate us.

She begins bobbing her head while her hand strokes the rest of his length, and it’s a struggle to remember the last stanza for a moment. He drops his head, opens his eyes again to watch her move and it’s too much. His movements against her during the first poem had already aroused him, and her attentions on him now are pushing him closer to the edge.

Emma moans around his length and his knuckles go white where he’s still gripping the counter. He can feel his release coming and she feels it too, speeds up and doesn’t prolong the torture. When it hits him, he has to brace his feet a little more so he doesn’t collapse. He’s breathing hard when she gracefully stands back up into the cage of his arms. She’s grinning, the cat that got the cream, as she winds her arms around his neck.

“Is that the end?” she asks, fingers threading through his hair. He shakes his head and swallows, wraps his arms around her and pulls her close.

I have slept with you / and on waking, your mouth, / come from your dream, / gave me the taste of earth, / of sea water, of seaweed, / of the depths of your life, / and I received your kiss / moistened by dawn / as if it came to me / from the sea that surrounds us.

He kisses her after saying the last verse, tasting his release still lingering on her tongue, and she hums into the kiss.

“Not bad,” she says when she breaks the kiss. “You may have just swayed my opinion. I’m now pro-poetry.” She’s smiling when she meets his eyes, and he chuckles. He places one more kiss on her forehead before bending to hastily pull his underwear back up, stepping out of his discarded trousers and leaving them on the floor.

“I’ll try a lofty and pretentious one next time,” he promises, remembering their previous discussions about poetry now that she’s brought them up.

“Only if you’re fucking me into the mattress when you do it,” she says off-handedly. He huffs out a laugh and rests his forehead against hers.

“You’ll be the death of me, love.” He hugs her tight to him as he says it and he can feel the laugh vibrate through her.

“But you love me anyways,” she responds, dancing her fingers across his shoulders.

“Aye, until the end of time.” He kisses her again, and she whispers her love for him across his lips.

And when they wind up in bed a short time later, he recites whatever he can think of—limericks, haiku, even a poem by Shel Silverstein—as he fulfills her request. 

When the Save-the-Dates go out a few months later, there is, indeed, an asterisk at the bottom that says “David was right.”

[thesugarace]

Alright

I finished HLITF season 1 for Kaga and I SWEAR TO ALL 12 ZODIAC GODS

VOLTAGE. PEAKED!!!! AT KAGA’S SEQUEL

THIS STORY IS AN ABSOLUTE 

(Early warning: minor/major spoilers and a lot of rants/fangirling/thirst etc etc all bec I just absolutely love this story and I feel the need to share this love with everyone. Also, I keep seeing everyone hating on MC in this but I actually really liked her here and so I MUST defend her)

Okay

First of all look. loOK. LOOK AT THESE CGS!!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE GET A HOT AND SEXY KAGA CG, A LITERALLY STEAMY ROMANTIC CG AND A BOMB AF STORY ALL FOR $3 EYE-

And oh my huedhaut dont even get me started on the story. It was absolutely on point. It has everything a HLITF story promises to have:

justice in the eyes of our straightlaced MC vs the PSD ✔️

Conflict btwn Kaga and MC precisely because of that ✔️

Our girl pulling a vanishing act bec she refused to compromise her values ✔️

the refusal of each side to back down and their love for each other TEARING THEM APART INSIDE ✔️

OUR GIRL SHOWING OFF HOW INSIGHTFUL SHE REALLY IS AND FINDING A SOLID AF LEAD ✔️

MC’S GROWTH in finding a somewhat compromise between her principles and what is required of her as a PSD detective ✔️

And of course, my absolute favourite: ANGSTY ANGSTY MY-WORLD-IS-ENDING-BECAUSE-MY-MC-IS-IN-DANGER-ANGSTY KAGA ✔️

Okay, I need to address the one thing that everyone just hates about this story en masse and it’s MC. Personally, I dont agree with her about the some parts, especially the interrogation because she did hinder an investigation and in law enforcement that is one big No-No but I do see where she’s coming from, especially with the surveillance thing and the whole copping out and literally running away to the countryside. I saw reviews abt her being completely naive but seriously, put yourself in the position of the one being spied. She’s so against it because to the suspect, what they’re doing could be harmful to him, especially so if he was innocent. I think as a person, she believes in the more publically-accepted justice - the kind of justice that everyone wants but is really very difficult to obtain.

And this is where we get to the beauty of this story. As per their MO, the PSD is ready to do whatever it takes to get the culprit even it means breaking the law. They’re desperate to get the culprit because people are actually getting hurt and the longer this guy gives them the slip, the more people are going to get hurt. Even in MSB, its been established that to the PSD, the end ALWAYS justify the means and they dont give a shit if they look like criminals for it. So this is where the conflict arises between MC and the PSD guys. For the PSD, there’s an opportunity where they might get the culprit but its illegal and for MC, what the PSD wants to do is too risky for something only based on suspicion; she wants to stay on the legal path but she has no lead whatsoever and time is not on either side. People dont seem to realise the weight of MC’s viewpoint and have a tendency to think of ‘officers doing something illegal’ as something as light as jaywalking or smt. No, these institutions have a wide reach and one misstep could bring harmful repercussions onto countless innocent people not to mention the implications of their actions on their integrity as an institution of the law and the integrity of the entire justice system. However, the PSD’s side is a lot more true to reality albeit in more complex situations: their duty beyond all else is to prevent crime and there are times when there really seems to be no way. I’ve been working in law for the past few years and this is a classic dilemma that has been simplified but quite well executed in this context. Justice is not as clear cut as the right way, the right end. The law may simply be black words on white paper but different circumstances dye it with their own colours. This is where MC is lacking. She’s like a freshman at law school - someone who truly believes in the importance of justice but actually has little idea what that actually entails. She is not entirely naive but more in a sense that she’s never been confronted with these kind of complex high-stakes situations (she worked in a police box before this for Ichthys’s sake) and that inexperience disables her from seeing and evaluating the entire situation from the PSD’s pov. For her, its like playing poker for the first time and she’s already betting with the million dollar chips.

The second thing I REALLY must defend her in is the whole quitting from the academy. For the love of Zyglavis, she did NOT run away just because Kaga told her she’s not suited for PSD, it was just the trigger. Lemme put it in a different scenario (btw this scenario is not meant to mirror the situation, its only meant to evoke how MC felt in the story) Imagine you live in a city and you and your significant other are living together. A pandemic has struck your city but everyone refuses to wear a mask and the government is even encouraging people not to wear a mask. You know that wearing a mask slows down the spread of the virus and you are trying to convince people to wear one but they just ignore you. The number of cases is dropping and people think its because they dont wear masks unlike other cities but you know that people should still wear masks or the numbers might spike. So you try to convince everyone to wear a mask and people start berating you for being so stupid as to believe that masks will slow down the spread of the virus when the numbers are dropping without the city wearing them. You go home and your significant other berates you for forcing other people to wear a mask and says ‘since you wanna wear a mask so badly, get out of my house and move out of town’ That’s what it felt like for MC: the absolute frustration + sadness from the rejection of what she truly believes in by the people she’s surrounded by. Time and time again in the story, she’s confronted with the fact that the justice she believes in is not the justice PSD serves. For someone who is working towards joining the PSD, that has to be killing her inside every time. It just serves as a reminder that she is not suited for PSD nor is she what PSD wants in a detective, something she has been struggling with since MS1 but she perseveres perhaps because of her dream to become a detective or because of her aspirations to someday be Kaga’s equal or at least be someone he considers he can rely on. I really believe it’s the second one, after all, it was his rejection of her that really broke her inside and finally convinced her to quit. That’s why if you buy the ending set, you’ll see in the extra stories that Kaga gets extremely angry AT HIMSELF that MC quit the academy. He knows that our persistent Kappa doesnt give up so easily, not even when he scolded her for ruining his interrogation. Its because all these factors built up and he was the one to push her over her limit. So yes, our girl is not fragile yall. She’s just been through so much and I honestly dont blame her for leaving like one order of R&R for our MC here, she deserves it thanks. 

Okay, I need to end this soon cause its starting to get too long but what made me really love her here is the whole LIME thing. That part made love her so much because even when she quit on the academy, there’s still a fire inside her to do what it takes to achieve justice, even if it meant relying on the people she didnt agree with. Even when she was so broken inside believing that she’s not one of them, she’s not needed by them, she’s not worthy of helping them; she just wants to help!

IM SO FREAKING SOFT FOR HER BECAUSE THIS GIRL WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH IS STILL FIGHTING IN HER OWN WAY AND JKASHFHASKJHAKSHKJHGA BRB CRYING

ALSO 

THAT BLOODY PHONE CALL OH MY FREAKING SCORPIO THAT PHONE CALL. I died when he told her that quitting is not an excuse to leave his side. THESE TWO EYE-

Okay, you have to read that phone call scene from both sides because then you’ll see how much these two are being stubborn because they still dont accept the other’s pov abt the case but at the same time how much they love and miss each other is gnawing at them inside AND THEYRE STRUGGLING TO HOLD ALL THOSE EMOTIONS BACK WHEN THEY HEAR EACH OTHERS’ VOICES OVER THE PHONE FREAKING KRIOFF TAKE THE WHEEL PLEASE

Anyways, I really enjoyed reading season 1 for Kaga, especially because of his MC - I see her actually growing from the small police box officer to a PSD cadet and the sequel, especially, shows promise in how she’s going to navigate the world of law enforcement and facing difficult choices. Our girl really decided to return to the academy without finding a proper middle ground between her values and what PSD requires of her but she showed determination to work on it so I really hope we get to see more of that in later seasons. Also, WHIPPED Kaga is my fav but soft Kaga is up there as well. MC SAYING HE SOUNDED SAD OVER THE PHONE AND HER TEARING UP I CANT. THESE TWO ARE BAD FOR MY HEART.

Okay, Im not sure what I’ll be reading next. I kinda wanna start on his season 2 but considering how amazing this season is for Kaga, Im really curious abt the other characters so I might start on them before starting any season 2s. Also, idk if I would make these long argumentative-ish essays a thing but just idk why, my brain is really good at spewing essays out when it comes to HLITF and I think its fuelled by the panic from all my unfinished work so yay 

Thanks for reading!!!

[happymissy]

Happy 2021! I’m just using these photos that my friend and i took this month, a day before I went to Manila to fix some things so I can FINALLY graduate on March! I’ve back read my old blog posts from before and I noticed that for the past 3 years, I only posted like once a year just to update you guys on what’s happening with my life. I mean, it’s not like I still have readers on this blog, but it’s nice to have something to look back on from time to time. I remember making a post before that I should update more on my actual diary than this actual blog because someday, tumblr will be gone and everything I ever worked on to post about, will be deleted. Well, let me tell you guys something, my aunt threw away all my journals from when I was in elementary until I was 18! I was devastated. But anyway, yeah, I’ll try to update this more and more!

So... 2020 huh? What a year!

Let me start from the top! I started the year with a broken heart and I remember being so sad that whole month because aside from being heartbroken, I felt like I was stuck, like I was in some sort of constant loop with my days. I would wake up really early because my aunt’s house is somewhere deep deep inside a subdivision of Greenwoods Pasig and getting out of there was hassle af especially if you’re a normal civilian like me who’s broke, doesn't have a car, and relies on the commuting system of the Philippines to get to literally anywhere. And then spend 10 hours at work because I was catching up with my OJT hours that would’ve been finished earlier if I just went to work everyday. Then I would spend hours in line for UV rides and another hour stuck in traffic during rush hour, AND THEN another 1 hour waiting in line for the tricycle to greenwoods and actually getting in. I was mentally drained. The city life isn’t for me, well at least the Philippine City life isn’t. Despite being sad and exhausted almost everyday, I couldn’t see my college friends because my ex lived with them and I can’t bare to see him be okay while I was dreading my life.

Then February arrived and I met up with someone from Bumble for the first time, it was a mutual from twitter. It was a new thing for me, like, using a dating app? Flirting with someone I didn’t know, meeting up, and then sleeping with them. So what happened was, your girl got attached! I was so used to guys taking me seriously me all the time that I fooled myself thinking that he was the one for me. Lmao, that cycle continued until I got used to it and I just realized that I wouldn’t and shouldn’t expect a real relationship come out of a dating app. Anyway!!! Bullet form for the summary of quarantine!

Feb ended

March happened

COVID-19 happened

Stuck in quarantine in Baguio, felt like shit.

Learned a few tiktok dance

Watched a few netflix series, movies, and animes

Started an alter account in May because I WAS BORED AS HELL

Found out I can earn money by having guys simp over me

WHAT THE FUCK

I earned more money in 1 week than I ever did in a month, working!

WHAT THE FUCK 2.0

Did that part time through out the whole quarantine.

Spent a shit ton of money on Shopee! I was overwhelmed that I was finally able to afford everything I wanted growing up lmao.

Discord saved my sanity throughout the lockdown.

Met Thana on there, he gave me his udemy account so I can study flutter and web development so I’ll have a proper job once I graduate! Bless himm <3

I TURNED 23!!! I made that blink-182 cake hehe:

Went back to Dagupan to finish my OJT hours.

I was finally able to afford a laptop (AFTER 7 YEARS!)

BRO I bought a Macbook Pro 2020 512GB, that’s how much money I get to earn as a SW! WHAT THE FUCK 3.0

Didn’t tell my dad what the fuck i’ve been up to with my life because how would i explain to him where I got all the money from. Besides, I wouldn’t reside to being a SW if he was supporting me financially. I’ve been paying and working for my own stuff and allowance ever since I stepped to college.

Mom and brother are curious where I get my money and I’d just answer secret and they’d just shrug it off because they know how much bullshit we got with our life.

I’ve just been hanging out with my friends almost every day ever since I got back to Dagupan and just drinking, eating, throwing up, and playing Among Us. Taking all the time I lost and squeezed them right in before 2020 ends.

Joined the Corpse Fandom, one of the things that legit made me feel alive after how many years!

So yeah, that’s basically it. By the way, I’m not planning on continuing my ‘job’ right now. I’ll be quitting soon because it really takes a toll on you. Being paranoid about my privacy and how people can expose me, being sexually harassed every single day, irl friends and mutuals recognizing me, and just basically being addicted to the attention I’m getting for the wrong reasons. Hopefully, I’ll graduate and actually find a decent job. I hope this covid thing will end soon. I also hope the current president can like, die. lol

Also, I’ve been studying Web Development for a while now and so much has changed with the CSS things! Who knows, I might finally be able to change my theme after idk 6 years! Some links and photos on my theme don’t work anymore lmao!

[writings-from-the-hart]

Writebr Intro

Writeblr Intro Time!

Hiya! This is so overdue and I apologize for that lol. I’ve been meaning to write this but school seems to always be getting in the way of just that. Writing. But here I am finally writing this! And yes my username is a pun of my own last name but I just couldn’t resist.

So basically, I really want to surround myself with other writers and have stumbled across tons of writeblr’s (I think that’s what they’re called lol). Instantly I was in love and wanted more of what the community had to offer. I’ve been a self-proclaimed “author” or writer since my early years of grade school. I was that child in the back of the class with ADHD that couldn’t sit still (the cliche bouncing leg and always chewed down nails) and had what my mother called an “overactive imagination”. My notebooks in high school were often filled with wild stories about “galaxies far far away” or dystopias with cruel governments ruled by dictators. Now I’m in my second year of college swamped with classes about the Psychology of criminals (or I like to call the science of murder), and trying to find time to write a novel. So the struggle is real my dudes.

A little about Me:

Hana

20

She/Her

Pisces

Asexual

Forensic Psychology Major and English with a concentration in Writing Minor

Book hoarder

Dog Mom

Vintage AF

Low Key Emo Punk because I’m no average white girl!

History nerd (Love learning about the old wars and cultures)

Movie nerd (There’s an endless stack of DVDs in my house)

Fandoms:

The Mandolorian (or the ManDADolorian)

Star Trek

Star Wars

Hannibal

X-Files

King Falls Am

Welcome to Nightvale

Transformers (Obviously not the bad movies lol. Bumblebee is baby and must be protected always.)

Good Omens

Sherlock

Lord of the Rings

Marvel (There are so many shows and movies in this category we would be here all day if I tried to list them.)

Timeless (Not sure if the fandom is still alive after what the writers did to one of our ships lol)

DC (I’m a huge Batman geek and adore Wonderwoman, but I take the good with the bad when it comes to this fandom. Especially movie-wise anymore.)

And there’s probably more but my memory isn’t working currently.

Goals?. . . maybe:

Get my novel finished (This has literally been on my To-Do List for who knows how long.)

Meet more writers/new writers.

Improve my poetry (I suck at poetry so I bad I never let it see the light of day, so I need to work on it.)

Start my bullet journal.

Wips:

Okay by now you all know I have at least 1 Wip because I mentioned getting a freaking novel done, but just as a precaution as to what I mean by Wip or Wips. I get distracted quite easily, for some odd reason my brain absolutely loves to jump from one idea to another for no absolute reason. Like WTF dude we already have an idea we’re working on why do you keep bringing all these new ones to me like stray dogs. And like any good dog Mom or distracted writer, I want to keep all the ideas/stray dogs. So, when I say Wip I mean “Look at this cool idea I came up with” and I’ll make sure to specify which one is hogging most of my time.

Renegade: Dystopian, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

This is my baby. Most of my free time is dedicated to adjusting plotlines, character arc’s, fixing freaking plot holes, and other important stuff other than just plain writing. I’m hoping to finish this also monster of a story by 2020 and get it published. So big stuff!  

“So tell me little wolf do you want to punish those who have wronged you?” An assassin known as the Crimson Ghost makes their way through the corrupt city-state of Ashton completing a job given to them by the Black Rose. What is a seemingly normal job though turns into something far more complicated when they stumble upon the fractions of an abandoned notebook from the past. A past the Republic is trying to desperately hide and bury no matter what. On the other side of the world in the Republic’s capital Eshar, plainly referred to as “The Prodigy” or “machine” by his superiors,  Eric Coalwood has built a life upon the ashes of his family, striving to meet the high expectations set before him by his mentor General Wolfheart. However, his life falls out of its normal day to day routine when the unexpected is asked of him. Command a task force made up of the Republic’s most wanted or his life is over. Eric doesn’t need reasons for why he must do what he has to, all he needs are orders and the Republic is more than happy to give them. Either way the clock is ticking for both the Crimson Ghost and the Republic’s prodigy and with time running out they both have two options. Either get over their different beliefs concerning the Republic or allow the world to once again succumb to war but this time nobody is going to survive it. “Legends are slippery things. For the glory that coats them hides the pain, suffering and death that created them.”

The Trouville Files: Dystopian, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

Not my biggest priority but definitely one of them considering the plot of this story. I mainly use this wip as a reference for Renegade because it’s actually the prequel to it. Also, it’s great to use as writing practice when I’m plagued with writer’s block for Renegade or frustrated with a plot hole. So this is my double-edged sword that does a lot of good.

“Death in these black days is neither kind nor quick.” The year is 2153, the world we know is nothing more than a wasteland strewn with the dead and a sky being choked by their ashes, not glorious and thriving but desolate and starving. The Red Death, a pandemic with a steady progression and a gruesome countdown to the demise of those infected. No one outruns it or survives it. “United we stand, divided we fall.” The Allied Nations, a totalitarian superpower, promised a united people but all they gave this world was more death and destruction. The Red Death isn’t the only thing slowly killing humanity anymore, we are in the form of the War of Broken Pacts. The spark of revolution is lit, but if it will remain so is a question asked by everyone. Does it stand a chance against the iron-fisted government holding the people in shackles? “Rebel with a cause.” Genius Medical Officer for The People’s Republic, Cyprus Ramiro works day and night in search of a cure for the Red Death exterminating hundreds, at least before this war kills him first. But he is also a man on the run and the rebellion can only shelter him for so long. “Duty over pain.” Cunning Spy and Soldier, Orion Ultor is ordered by the Allied Nations to infiltrate and gather information on the ever-growing People’s Republic. In bold letters is Search and Destroy; make a ruin of the rebellion and ensure the Allied Nations remains as it should -- unquestionably in power. No matter the cost unless he wants to suffer the consequences again. “If we fall we shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix.” They should have never met, battlefields don't make good friends. It wasn't fate, it wasn't destiny, only war throwing people together.  The Allied Nations is trying to stamp out something they fear, but can they before the Red Plague? Or will humanity find itself extinct.

Beyond his point is where I house my stray dogs/ideas

Hiraeth: Paranormal, Horror, Mystery, and Thriller.

Scooby-doo who?

Hiraeth means a homesickness for a home which you cannot return. That is how Arcane feels like she’ll never be home no matter how hard she tries to connect with her family. The closest she feels to being home is with her friends and in the worn leather seats of the van they all pitched in to buy. It all started out as a way to pass time and for all of them to escape their families because to be honest parents never understand, but it all turned sideways when a simple “ghost hunting trip” stirred something that was meant to remain buried. The truth never remains buried though, not really, somehow it will always creep back in ugly and twisted. Arcane has never felt “at home” but she’ll do whatever it takes to keep what she considers her family safe.

Sweet Dreams: Historical Fiction, Thriller, and Romance.

A literal dream turned into story plot and no I’m not kidding.

The Red String of Fate, The Lovers, and War. These are the three elements intertwined within the plot of Sweet Dreams but before anyone makes any assumptions this isn’t some chummy rom-com. There will be tears and heart strings may get yanked clean out because the angst is real. War and love never mix well, it leaves a sour taste in ones mouth and makes the mind question things it shouldn’t. Like is the woman in his dreams the same woman he sees in all his dreams? Constantly he somehow ends up spotting that same ruby red lipstick, honey golden eyes, and brunette hair laying in perfect curls. She’s everywhere except in his actual life. They say you and your soulmate share dreams, living proof of how intertwined souls are. She doesn’t believe in love or the idea of souls, not with the monsters roaming around the countryside and battlefield carrying assault rifles. Society tells her where her place is, but she disagrees and rather create her own destiny.

The Prophet: Paranormal, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.  

A short story I can’t seem to let go or it doesn’t want to let me go, but either way, this story has the makings for something great. It also at times seems strikingly similar to Good Omens, so don’t be surprised.

There’s no anti-christ in this story, he already has a book about himself so let’s not make another one besides there are other stories that need to be told. Such as, have you ever heard of modern day prophets and I’m not talking about those people with cardboard signs saying “the end is near!” or giant churches with people preaching about the end times. No, I’m talking about a kid with messy hair and dark circles under their eyes because sleep is no longer a choice due to migraines that plague them every night. Migraines that bring weird cryptic messages that make one question their own sanity. And what happens when strange people start asking about said migraines and messages?

Virago: Fantasy, Thriller, Historical Fiction, and Romance.

I’m not a huge fantasy reader, for some reason I can’t stay invested in them, but here I am with a fantasy story in my wips. It has mages, knights, assasination plots, and one super badass general who takes zero shit from her king. That’s right women empowerment, my dudes! I don’t really have much of a synopsis inline or a plot because this is only of those wips I let rattle around in my brain from time to time. But I will say it does give me that LOTR vibe but also Game of Thrones.  

Don’t be surprised if you see my stray doggos from time to time because I will admit I love to play around with storyboards. Even if I don’t have a fully planned out plot put together for it.

And that concludes this what was supposed to be short Writeblr Intro. I hope I have peaked some of your guys’ interests because the community definitely got a hold of minee. Feel free to send me a message about anything I mentioned (even if it’s just fandom shit I don’t care) and don’t be shy. I’m a huge introvert but somehow love talking, so don’t worry it won’t be awkward and odds are I’m equally nervous about conversation lol. Also, feel free to add me to any taglist and reblog/like if you’re active and would like more Writeblr mutuals!

Happy Writing,

Writings-from-the-Hart

[clericbyers]

The funny thing about RR!St3 (and yes I'm still talking about this) is that its technically your au so if u don't like stuff about season 3-and maybe that's like everything lmao- than you can change it for this au!!! so what're some things you could change to flex on the duffers with ur beautiful Galaxy brain?

oh ur so right….oh man OH MAN the power in my hands right now…this is super long but i got so into it okay thank u…

First off, my real vision for RR!ST3 would not be too close to how ST3 went down; the RR!ST3 I originally hashed out was me trying to stick close to ST3 but as I said then, it was hard bc many of the issues in ST3 wouldn’t happen if Mike wasn’t obsessed with El and if we actually address the fact that these kids are dealing with serious trauma from the events of ST2. In RR!ST2, Mike would be the one dealing with being possessed, Will would have been at his side the entire time, Nancy and Mike would be a lot tighter thanks to RR!ST1 (like she’d be very overprotective because she almost lost her brother and he’s annoying yeah but she can’t imagine not having him in her life anymore). So when RR!ST2 ends with the Snowball, I can see Mike still dancing with El when she returns because he needs to thank her, she saved his life after all, but I really. just cannot see his level of attachment being enough to try to date her. Because in ST1 and at the beginning of ST2, Mike is wracked with guilt about losing her, about bonding with her and ultimately her being a sacrifice to save them. He doesn’t have that in RR!ST1 and RR!ST2, at least not to the same degree as ST1 and ST2. He didn’t have the time to bond to El and while I think he might have fleeting feelings for his savior (like I said, nightingale effect) and have some guilt about how she seemingly gave up her life to save everyone, especially him, I also think RR!ST2 Mike would be very attached to Will though given how Will trusted him and stuck by him despite all the horrors. Mike takes loyalty very seriously and Will being with Nancy and Karen (as she would be the “crazy” mom who lost her son in RR!ST1, but she’d enlist Joyce’s help since Ted wouldn’t really care so it would be power duo Joyren trying to figure out where Mike is) in the RR!ST2 shed scene would mean a lot to him.

Now, we have those 8 months between ST2 and ST3 where basically Mike and El entered a relationship in ‘85. In that time frame in the RR au, I would focus more on how the Party is getting over the trauma they faced during RR!ST2. Firstly, Mike is definitely not okay after being possessed by a demonic godly shadow force. He’s in therapy again maybe, back on medications, IDK what exactly but he is broken inside but trying his best to act like everything is normal and he wasn’t just possessed. I think he would try to cling onto his childhood as Will did in ST3, because Mike didn’t get to grow up normal since he got kidnapped and possessed by monsters. Will and El would bond a lot in those 8 months though, definitely becoming closer siblings and El having a crush on Mike can still a thing. Mike might not feel that same way for her but he’d be down for dating if just to feel normal again. Part of that may be to continue dampening how he feels for Will because he just wants to be a regular kid again and what he feels for his best friend is not at all natural in his mind. I like the idea of Mike and El getting together in ST3 at the mall scene so I’d stick with that. But I also feel like Mike would definitely also be spending half the time subconsciously trying to stay away from El because she’s also a reminder of the horrors he faced in the UD and with the Mind Flayer.

There would be a lot of Will, El, Mike moments too! Will is her brother of sorts in the RR au and Hopper is only ever really comfortable with Mike coming to visit when Will is over, too, even before Mike agrees to date El.

So okay, Episode 1 of RR!ST3 deals with the fact that all the kids are still dealing with some sort of trauma. Mike wakes up from a nightmare, uses his walkie talkie to contact Will, and Will comes over and sits in his room with him and they chat for a bit until Mike can fall back asleep. Will sits at the foot of Mike’s bed watching him sleep before he sneaks back out the house. Nancy catches him and thanks him for stopping by and then he catches Lucas outside too while making his way back home. Lucas casually mentions that he couldn’t sleep and they chat about how weird things have been when no one in Hawkins knows what happened last fall. In the early afternoon the next day, Will bikes over to Hopper’s cabin to hang out with El, they listen to music and doodle together for hours, just being great friends. El casually mentions that she might have a bit of a crush on Mike (who comes with Dustin, Lucas, and El to visit sometimes because fuck ST3 and isolating El from the Party). This could be a moment for Will to be like, “Oh, me, too.” and they can bond over liking Mike together (that’d be cute af!! and it would help Will feel more comfortable about how he feels toward Mike when he’s able to talk about it without persecution). She asks him if Mike likes him back and Will kinda just stops doodling.

“I don’t know,” he murmurs hoarsely. “He’s never said anything.”

El hums and takes out a purple crayon to color in the grass. “Do you know if he likes me?”

Will says he doesn’t know but that he’ll figure it out for her. Hopper won’t let her come with Will to the movie that night so he promises one night he’ll help sneak her out and then bikes over to the theater. We have the ST3 theater scene but it’s reversed of course, so it’s Mike who feels the Mind Flayer and Will who asks him if he’s okay. Mike isn’t as shy and flustered as Will was in ST3 though, he tries to brush Will off petulantly (as RR!ST3 Mike tries his best to act like the events of RR!ST2 aren’t affecting him as much as it is) but Will takes his hand and says, “It’s okay to not be okay.” and Mike kinda fidgets but squeezes his hand in turn before they both go back to watching the movie.

The next day when Dustin comes back, we have the Party going up to Cerebro but there would not be any El and Mike leaving like in ST3. Instead, Will and El are whispering between themselves but it’s not really much about anything. El is too shy to ask Mike if he wants to sit with her as they listen to Dustin call his girlfriend and Will just wants her to feel comfortable near Mike and keeps pestering for her to just sit next to him. Mike is irritated because he wanted to hang with Will more today and he’s bonding with El. His powers activate from his irritation and he’s blocking the radio signal for Dustin and Suzie’s call. When it starts getting late, the Party splits up, Will and El leaving first because of curfew (a real one not the lie El told in ST3). Lucas and Max leave next and Mike is left solo with Dustin.

“I know that Will and El aren’t together, but god, I feel so childish being the single one out.” Mike complains as a chill breeze washes over the two of them.

Dustin hums distractedly, still trying to work out why Cerebro isn’t picking up Suzie’s channel. It takes a moment for Mike’s words to sink in and then he perks. “You know, El likes you.”

“She what?” Mike blurts, giving Dustin a look. “No, she doesn’t. She can’t.”

“Uh, but she can and she does.” Dustin turns a random knob to a different frequency. “It’s pretty obvious; she was sending you heart eyes this entire time if your oblivious ass would have realized.”

Mike isn’t sure how to feel about it. He’s always seen El as Will’s sister, especially with Hopper attempting (and kinda failing) at dating Joyce. Even when they danced at Snowball, it was a thing of gratitude, of joy, of acknowledging that she hadn’t died and he was happy about that. But, El actually liking him? “What am I supposed to do about that?”

“Do you like her?”

Mike scrunches his nose. He feels…something toward her but he’s not really sure what it is. It’s not the same way he feels toward Nancy but it’s not what he felt toward Max either. And it’s definitely not what he feels toward Will, but he doesn’t want to think about that right now. He wants to feel normal. “I’m not sure.”

“Well, if it’s not a solid no, then I’d say go for it.” Dustin adjusts his hat and leans back with a sigh. “She’s cute and I think this is the first time a cute girl has ever liked your nerdy ass.”

“Shut up,” laughs Mike and he nudges his friend who grins in turn. He looks up at the sky and sighs. “I should probably get back home before my mom goes nuts. Talk to you later, yeah?”

“I’m leaving, too,” he sighs as he stands up. “I don’t know why this isn’t working. Maybe the clouds are too overcast.”

Mike shrugs and flicks at the radio’s antenna. It buzzes erratically, static blasting through Dustin’s headphones and then suddenly there’s a voice coming through the noise. It’s a blend of things, like the receiver is caught between two frequencies. One is Suzie, the other is some spoken code (in English because the random inclusion of the Russians works for Red Scare era / anti-Russia 80′s America but like…it had no set up so I wouldn’t use it for RR!ST3) that neither Mike nor Dustin can understand. Dustin tries to fix the frequency channels to focus on Suzie, but he looses her and the input only focuses on the frequency the code is on. Mike touches the antenna again, holding on this time around, and he can literally feel the electric currents coursing through him, something sharper than a tickle but not as harsh as actual electrocution. The dials on the receiver interface start wavering about randomly and crazily until Mike lets go and then there’s only static again.

“What the,” Dustin mutters, bending down to check how Cerebro is working. “What did you do?”

Mike stares down at his hands, a panic attack on the edge of his senses because, seriously, what the hell was that? First having flashbacks in the theater and feeling that shocking tingling sensation on their way up the hill, now this? “I…I don’t know.”

Dustin taps at a dial and frowns. “Touch it again. Like hold onto it as you did earlier.” Mike does as told and the dials go nuts again. “Mike…do you…have you had any issues near electrical appliances recently?”

Mike scowls and tries to remember if anything odd has happened recently. “No? Not really. Sometimes the radio in my mom’s car doesn’t work and the TV gets a little staticy but that’s normal. Oh, and we had flickering lights out at the cabin when Will, Lucas, and I visited but it’s a cabin in the woods so what do you expect.”

Dustin bites at his bottom lip. “And this only happens when you’re around?”

“I, uh,” Mike grabs at his hair, “No, no, it doesn’t. It doesn’t. It can’t…I’m not, what…I thought that was the Upside Down only.”

“What do you mean?”

“I could touch the lights and the TV when I was in the Upside Down version of the basement. And when I touched them, everything glowed. Kind of like casting Daylight in D&D.” Mike struggles to find his breath; he never really talks about what it was like in the Upside Down. “And…and I knew, I knew where the demogorgon was before I should have. Like innate. And the dead people…”

“Detect Evil?” Dustin suggests, cocking his head to the side. “Mike, do you think any of that stuck with you here?”

[ So basically, the equivalent of “magic” in D&D is electricity in the real world / the Upside Down since electricity and tech is kinda like modern magic, and all of Mike’s powers in the Upside Down are, in theory, paladin spells. He couldn’t control which lights flickered on like Will did in ST1 but he can turn them on and he can create a beacon, along with talking to the dead and having an innate circle of protection around him (a magic circle as paladins can have!) ]

Mike goes back home totally freaked out and refusing to believe he has “powers” because his time in the UD felt like such a nightmare anyway. He just wanted to survive, he didn’t ask for this, he didn’t ask for the Mind Flayer to possess him and use his body to kill people, to almost destroy Hawkins in the process. And that night, Mike decides he absolutely cannot let these possible powers do anything or mean anything because he’s normal, he’s a normal 14-year-old boy who is absolutely not crushing on his very male best friend, no, he’s gonna get a girlfriend, and hang out at the mall like kids do over the summer, and everything is going to be fine.

The next day, Will doesn’t go over to El’s place to hang out, Mike picks up the phone and says a dumb lie about Will being busy to try to get out of it. (“Friends don’t lie,” says El afterwards. “But brothers do.” snorts Max, “All. The. Time.”) He’s frustrated by El wanting to spend time with Will one-on-one when he’s trying to get the og4 Party members together for some normal hangout time playing D&D because, again, Mike here is the one trying to cling onto his childhood, even more now that he might have “powers”. They play D&D with Mike as DM and it all goes well until Karen comes downstairs asking about magnets and Mike internally freaks out. He’s been feeling like someone is watching him for a while now (hint: El when spying on the boys in the Void) and now his mom is talking about something that could very well be his powers working. Dustin knows and can actually see it, so he suggests everyone should get some fresh air and hang out at the mall. The Party goes out shopping, they hang out at Scoops Ahoy and Mike and Dustin share their story about the radio last night but purposefully leave out details about what Mike did with the antenna. Will feels guilty for lying so he’s trying to find some new clothes so El isn’t always wearing Hopper’s hand-me-downs, and they run into Max and El outside.

“Well, well, well,” Max huffs as she crosses her arms. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

Will is worried because El leaving the house and being at the mall of all places would definitely make Hopper upset. “Are you okay?” he asks her, careful not to sound too overbearing. “Does Hopper know you’re here?”

El shrugs. “I told him I was seeing Max. And I am.” She turns to Mike. “You said Will couldn’t come over yet you are shopping. Why did you lie?”

Mike, who has spent practically the whole time at the mall on pins and needles, is really not in the mood for being questioned like this. “It just came out. I wanted to hang with the boys, okay? Just us. Like old days.”

El frowns. “Do you not like me?”

“No! No, I really like you!” Mike softens up and gives her a smile. “Honest; friends don’t lie, right? I’m sorry I lied to you. Today’s been…weird.” Dustin huffs at that. “Don’t worry about it though, I genuinely like you.”

And Mike doesn’t mean it that way–he had just said��‘friends don’t lie’ because he really does see her as a friend–but El takes it that way, and she grins widely, blushing as she ducks her head. “I like you, too, Mike.”

Will didn’t even think Mike liked El that way but now that it’s spoken in front of him, he can feel his heart breaking just a bit because any chance he thought he had is gone in his mind. El steps into Mike’s space and he blinks a couple times. “I want to go out with you.”

Dustin gasps, Lucas covers his mouth, Will tries his best not to look dejected, and Max whoops at her side. Mike turns to Will, who is staring at his feet, and then looks back at El. (A parallel to Snowball when Will looked at Mike for approval before going to dance with Zombie Boy girl.) Mike told himself he was gonna get a girlfriend and be normal, right? Ignore whatever happens in his chest when Will smiles at him. Ignore all of that and his stupid powers and be normal. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let’s go out.”

So the Party stays at the mall a little longer and Mike and El hang out together and get ice cream at Scoops’ Ahoy, which is amusing to Steve and Robin both. At the end, they go back to the Wheelers and El has to go back to the cabin but Mike is kind of in a daze because wow, he just got a girlfriend for the first time and went on a date with her. Dustin keeps teasing him, Lucas is cackling and making kissing jokes, but Will…Will is oddly silent at first. They get back on the campaign but no one can really concentrate and Will starts getting concerned about El and how she was out and about without Hopper’s knowledge. Mike is even more frustrated now because he thought things were going to start getting normal now, but it just seems to be falling apart. Will won’t even concentrate on the campaign, Dustin is horrible at trying to be subtle about if Mike’s powers are activating, and Lucas is complaining with Will about how Max and El are hanging out.

Mike lashes out and storms outside, where Will goes after him. “Mike, I’m sorry, it’s a really good campaign,” Will starts with a hand to Mike’s shoulder, “but I’m worried about El and I just…I can’t concentrate right now. We can play it tomorrow, I promise.”

Mike yanks himself away from Will. “Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, it’s always tomorrow! I said ‘see you tomorrow’ before and then I never did! Tomorrow may never fucking come! But oh, that doesn’t matter, huh? Tomorrow always comes for you. Tomorrow is always gonna be better.”

“Mike,”

“No!” he yells and lightening crackles in the distance. “No, you don’t get to say anything! You keep spending time with El, forgetting about all of us! I’m her boyfriend now and I’m not even this obsessed with her whereabouts.” He waves at Will, who scowls. “She’s not even really your sister and you’re letting her just ruining the party like this? And for what? So you can have a fake younger sister to hole up in her room all day?”

Will’s nostrils flare. “El is my sister whether you like it or not!” He snaps back with irritation. “It’s not my fault you don’t like El!”

Mike pauses, eyes widening just a fraction as his breath visibly hitches. No one was supposed to know that he wasn’t even sure how he felt…Dustin himself had come to the conclusion that Mike knew he liked El all along. Will though wants to take it back immediately. Taking out his anger onto Mike isn’t fair at all and just because Mike suddenly has a girlfriend doesn’t mean he should try to accuse Mike of not liking her. But he can’t help but question either way because Mike barely alluded to seeing her that way anyway.

“Look, I’m…I’m sorry, that came out wrong. So wrong.” He steps toward Mike, who tenses up more. “I know you like El, okay? I know you care about her. I care about her, too, just differently. She helped save you and the Party, how can I not care? That type of care has been with me for months. I can’t shut that off. I’m sorry.”

Mike’s breathing is getting denser and his vision is getting blurry because now he knows. Now he knows how he feels and he really fucked up saying yes to dating El. He doesn’t like her like Nancy and he doesn’t like her like Max either. He especially doesn’t like her like a boyfriend. “I like El like how you like her.”

“Mike?” Will’s voice is soft and shaking a little and Mike feels like throwing up.

“El saved me,” he whispers, “She saved me and I like her for that. I do. But she’s not…”

“She’s not what?”

Mike is crying now, angry tears dripping down his face like the rain as his voice crackles like the thunder. “She’s not you! I thought she would be enough and maybe I was wrong for it but it hasn’t even been a full day and I already know! I already know I don’t like her like that because I like you!”

There’s nothing but the patter of rain and Mike’s heavy breathing, and Mike can already feel his heart breaking because he spent so long trying to deny this and now he blurted it out in the midst of an argument like a dumbass and now Will is going to hate him. Hate him for not being normal, hate Mike for being what Lonnie always said he was. He’s crying still, hands shaking at his side as the tears continue to spill.

Will looks up at him with widened eyes and Mike can’t take it any longer. He can’t face the inevitable rejection right now. “I need to go.”

“Mike, wait, no! Mike!” Will rushes toward him but Mike’s already on his bike and riding through the rain. “Mike! Mike, come back!”

When Mike doesn’t turn back, Will rushes downstairs, tears streaming down his face as well and he can barely get his words out. “We need to find Mike, we need to find him now!”

“Will, what happened?” Lucas asks but Will grabs his jacket instead of replying.

“We need to go, now.” the brunette is shaking and Dustin puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Seriously, Will, what happened? Is he okay? Is he hurt?”

“Yes, yes, oh my god,” Will collapses on the stairs before he can finish climbing them. “Oh my god, he confessed to me.”

“Confessed what? His powers?”

Will blinks a few times and looks up at Dustin as he rubs at his runny nose. “His what? Powers?”

Dustin freezes. “Oh. I, uh, I thought…oh…oh. Mike likes you?”

Will waves a passing hand. “Pause, what is this about Mike’s powers?”

Lucas speaks up with irritation. “I thought you said we need to go!”

So all the boys get on their bikes and ride toward the Byers house since that’s where Mike would go when his nightmares got bad enough and it’s a safe place for him outside of the basement. Dustin explains what Mike had done with Cerbero and how they caught this code that he had been sort of hashing out with Steve and Robin when they went to the mall. No one is home at the Byers residence (Joyce and Karen are out with Hopper doing their whole side storyline there) and Will starts to freak out more.

“Where would he be, where would he be?”

Lucas crosses his arms. “Maybe the cabin? That’s where his girlfriend is after all.”

And that’s not where Mike is, he’s actually with Steve and Robin at the mall given he feels he’d be better off with someone who understands the UD/MF mess (Steve) and someone who doesn’t know the Party dynamics (Robin). He’s just about to tell Robin about his confession to Will when he feels the Mind Flayer and knows that he’s back.

The rest of the season is kinda…the same ish but also not?? But so I don’t write out the whole damn thing now lmao here are the pointers:

El and Mike are still trying to be girlfriend and boyfriend when they reunite at the cabin (Scoops Troop is a thing but it’s not tied to the Russian bs so they aren’t at the mall the entire time) but Mike is also really uncomfortable with El’s advances though he tries not to act like it.

Mike avoids Will as best he can even though Will keeps trying to get one-on-one time with Mike to confess that he likes him back

Jonathan and Nancy team up at the cabin too with news about the exploding rats (the MF’s attempt to possess non humans that went wrong) and Mike speaks up about how he might have powers himself

El tries to teach him how to go into the Void (which would be like a prayer for him) but when he does so, he ends up running into the Mind Flayer and find out that it’s after him and is willing to kill all his friends to get to him

Mike and El both pull out of the Void together gasping and crying and Will is immediately at Mike’s side as Max rushes to El. “He’s going to kill us,” Mike sobs shakily, “He’s going to kill us all.”

El gets attacked by the Mind Flayer (not Meat Flayer) because it was coming for Mike and she intercepted the transmission using her mind

At the hospital Mike breaks up with El (instead of how in ST3 they became friends again), and she’s a little hurt but understanding when he confesses that he likes someone more than her and doesn’t want to hurt her by lying to her constantly when dating her

Will finally gets Mike to himself here and is about to confess but then Mike feels the Mind Flayer (his innate sense evil power) and it’s possessed someone. He confronts it, helps save Nancy from the shapeshifting demogorgon attacking her, and banishes it from this dimension, only to pass out from the effort

El takes over with her powers and with Mike’s help, accesses the radio to find the channel that Dustin and Mike had found before. She discovers that someone is trying to open the gate again under the mall

At the supermarket, Will and Mike finally get to talk and Will confesses that he likes Mike, too. “Blank makes you crazy, right?” Mike chuckles as he takes Will’s hand in his own. He’s not willing to say love yet even if he knows it’s true. He knows that Will understands him though. Will always does.

“Yeah,” the boy replies sweetly, “blank makes you crazy.”

Cue an almost kiss before Lucas and Dustin come around with the fireworks and they all get over to the mall

Big battle against the Mind Flayer and the people it possessed. Instead of a giant gory meat machine, it possesses people in Hawkins like it did Mike in RR!ST2 and uses them to shapeshift them into individual monsters. So the Party is attacked by a horde of demogorgons and demodogs!!

The fireworks help a lot as Lucas suggested, and Mike and El work together as superpowered besties to banish the Mind Flayer from all the neighbors. Some die in the process (because it’s just, brutal and violent and horrible) and Mike gets temporarily repossessed in the battle but he’s more leveled up now and understands how this works, so he can banish the MF from him (a level 4 paladin spell might I add!) as much as El used her powers to take out the piece of the meat machine in her leg in ST3

Hopper closes the gate but not in enough time (we need him in the Upside Down for RR!ST4) and then the Mind Flayer retreats, but it kills all the people it had possessed in the process, which only wrecks the kids with guilt for being unable to save everyone like they almost did

This also frightens Mike who has been possessed by the Mind Flayer because it means his connection is still strong enough that the Mind Flayer could kill him instantly too (but it won’t bc Mike and El’s powers are too strong and it could possibly kill itself trying to kill them through that connection)

At the end there’s no one really moving away. El has lost her powers, Mike’s are nearly depleted / he doesn’t know how to use them without El’s help. Everyone is mourning Hopper and with El and Mike unable to use their powers, they can’t go into the Void to see that Hopper’s actually alive.

uhhh the epilogue is the first day of high school and the Party are hopping off their bikes and chatting about something nonsensical. Lucas and Max are holding hands, Dustin is waving his arms about wildly as he explains his latest science project, and Mike and Will are standing close together, just enough to brush their fingers together. (El is homeschooled since she needs to catch up on her education)

“You okay?” Will asks quietly as they stand off to the side away from the bustling crowds. “It’s okay to not be okay.”

“I know,” Mike grins down at his boyfriend, which is still so blush inducing to think about, so he blushes. “But, I’m fine. I’ve got you right beside me so I’m definitely okay.”

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

fuck - idk how  - well to do lots of things  - and we do know tech hate t  - thats not quite on point or en garde either  - but tonights post performance post mortem - paint it black 

the good - tree climbing leaf and dirt hair  - once unconfused t can plaze guitar  - lox and bagel  - some made up on the spot music  - some magic  - lots of love  - love aint always enuff  - uh chili dogs and fries - vitas voice  - liam showing and again doing the hard but right thing/s  

the bad    chili dog hair    t gets confused sometimes ez tho we find workarounds  - its not cheating to tell him the key and a couple chords specially if u usin a capo on a song he never herd - just sayin 

the ugly    uh duz blood and pain count   im ok      shame       the people and soul less beings who cause/d the feelings of shame  ketchup hair 

we end up laffing way too much  -  thing is  - today  started fucked up and pretty much stayed on track  - u know its been uh different since the biz  - and yah there still is one  - its changing gonna change more  prob  - maybe not better just different 

we cries a lot also  

we heal then 

well when u wear ur heart on ur sleeve and ur food in ur hair  

a step back may be in order 

me i prefer to wear my food on my clothes  - it stains better - hair is ez to wash 

did i mention i lissened to crywolf angels ep like 3 or 4 x yesterday  and some el vy   - theres maybe half a dozen ppl readin who will unnastand  - if i mention sad bastards duz it help - no - well just move along then it dont matter much 

( translation  - t is being maudlin again cuz he depressed and future trips heartache and rejection  - no not a romance  - tho the looks - nevermind )

so y is ketchup hair ugly - its a condiment  - now we know that dirt is an excellent conditioner - ask any potato u happen to  - i have gazed more than a few x at the moon  -  this eve tonight   - i wuz gonna say that life had gotten 2 surreal then forgot when it even more happen  - and not the good kind of surreal either  - another luxury problem the wrong kind of surreal - did u get it a amazon  or ikea and yah - that splains it manstyle  - if u cant laff about ketchup hair - i mean wtf 

ok t  - u so fukken cryptic and in group mindfuck - can u bottom line it or readers digest condensed milk  - damn it - its contagious - ( another editor quits ) 

it started a little fucked up - was sposed to meet for acupuncture b4 java - things ran late - acu close early on weekends earlier than i thot so no - vita been going thru lots of hard uh lifestuff  - it manifests and affects  - we both been uh stressed at best - self destructive on various levels at worst w a little delusional thinking inna mix moi at least  - we feel deeply and connect and empath sometimes for an instant completely - its not always pleasant cuz we human  - despite everything going on - we go to do wat we do - play music  w transcendence aim for attained rarely for more than glimpse but sometimes - magic  - we trance in and out and different levels  and different reality layers conflict  - and too much too soon specially w a broken heart  ( no not me  - my heart is good - well yah the heart attack thing but we talkin soul heart )  and some ugly inna mix but not aimed at  and self directed  - we at our different homes safe  or mostly  - hope so - its late now unless u a musician or a barfly and last call wuz a few minutes ago even at the hardcore - there is love in my heart - a bit of dread  - hope a smidgen maybe an ember that i fan boy - oh yah  - we played  - some barely ok - some goodish - a few really good moments  - hearts not completely but then in it  - a baddish incident  - then we play a couple more songs like something proving  not a victory lap not at all sir  - prolly vita and i and i last performance in a while  - slight chance madrone tomorrow but not prolly and im exhausted but maybe  - we get together maybe 2 x this week if we lucky  - she has a last jazz concert i think sat  - imma meet her mom who tuff as nails north korean  born and raised - really  - that will b uh - interesting t  interesting  and a pleasure - maybe ask vita her name and practice - nah - she might as well meet the awkward fucktard  albeit a well behaved version  - but i will do wat i always - apologize in advance and assure by the 3rd time i will at least b very close lol   prolly not socialize much after  - it would b nice if she likes me but tbh expecting disapproval - extreme wariness at least - i would if i was her   - then off to college  - imma wait till she settle in maybe has a friend  - dont want ppls 1st impressions of her to b w a weird af and old as guitar playing friend  - at some point we b recording maybe podcast of some healing writing she been doing w music  cuz low key but an ep  - or album - theres enough good songs and we fuck around w a few more half maybe mostly written inna works  

its after 2 am exhausted not sleepy wired cuz its been that kinda day - sorry but not for the cryptic  - things happen not to b ashamed of  - we played music and performed as well  - real as fuck if nothing else  - it could b a month or more before we perform again together  - there is still a biz  - how much vita will b able to contribute uncertain   - sometimes fucked up things happen - nobodys fawlty towers no guilty party 

love

[k4nill]

ROTTMNT Headcannons for a Friend ~ S/O being sick.

Sorry i'm damnnnn late but translating this took a me while hahaha I hope you get better soon dear!!! @turtlestanfirst.

Raph

> Calls you all the fluffiest pet names with that sweet "hey buddy" tone all the time you are sick.

> Rather visit you than having you in quarentene by Donnie on the lair (and also to have some time alone)

> Raph is most likely to pick you up for anything, so forget about being able to walk for a while.

> Tries to cook for you, but it's always the same Raph special Hot Soup™ (ramen noodles with maccaroni and spaguetti pasta, Raph is a high-cab guy) still, is warm as his heart and a delight.

> He understands how tired you must feel so he suggest soft activities (having netflix marathons of movies, a console game, board games, BUT NEVER FUCKING UNO HE WILL CRY IF YOU THROW HIM THAT +4 CARD)

> He's the one who would probably ask you if you wanted him to leave or if you want to be alone, he thinks he's too suffocating. (It is a little, but you know, he cares too much)

> Builts a pillow fortress for you and when entering he says: "you need something, your majesty?" He just treats you like royalty.

> Blast your favorite songs and sings for you in the smoothest jazzy voice. (you know his beautiful deep ass voice)

> Let's say you are so entretained you and Raph forget the time for your meds, still you take em, but like 5 hours late.

> Raph constantly talks about his family and friends. He's the one to bring up deep conversations topics (about him being the leader , not being good enough, concerned by his brothers dumbassery) and you open up as well. Raph is full of emotions and loves to be listened to and he'll do the same for you.

>His eyes become crystalline when you start coughing or when the thermometer marks a mild fever.

> He tries to clean your place. Tries, but most likely to trash it a little bit more... Just a little.

> When you told him you were sick he came rushing, didn't even think of getting sick himself, so, after you recover is most likely you have to take care of him.

> Dumb dumb also didn't tell his family where tf he was, so he made his family a little concerned.

Donnie

> Boy thinks He's Dr. House or some shit like he'll ask you all you symptoms and then he tells you with his dorky "Mr. I know all" smirk that is a rare desease that you can only adquire on the amazon rainforest like... You have a cold.

> Doesn't want to get sick (a waste of time) and definitely don't want anyone on the lair sick cuz they are DRAMATIC AF when they get sick.

> So he suits himself up with those NBC suits and ask you to stay in a (previously prepared) station in the lab, which is basically a sickbed with some comfy futons (that he stole from Leon), with a screen near for your entretainment, and tons of pillows.

> Programs Shelldon so you can have your meds on time or if you need something he can bring it to you.

> You may find a plushie in the station and ask Donnie where he got it and he'll tell you with the most monotone and uninterested tone : "Oh I took it from Leon, it was with the pillows, don't mind it, you can take it home if you want"

> YEAH THE BITCH TOTALLY FOUGHT A CAT FOR IT ON THE FUCKING DUMPSTER AND HE'S SCREAMING INTERNALLY WHEN YOU SAY: "Thanks, it's cute."

> He'll work on some project but high-key is not, he's watching you all the time, like you are watching some dank ass memes and look over to see him and he does that "thing", you know when you pretend you stare at nothing when they catch you staring at someone?

> He' wearing the suit but with any barely improvement of the symptoms he'll take it off and get closer to you cuz he misses being close to you.

> Won't allow you to be just in bed tho, he says activity is important. So he takes you out to dance to your favorite songs and his weeb songs. (Bootyyyshaker9000 entered the game)

> When you are getting ready to go to sleep, he tucks you in, gets his caffeine overdose and in your deep dream state he plugs you in a machine to continue to monitor your sickness.

> Gets sick cuz he's a dummy and took the suit to early, also not enough sleep can lower your defenses.

Leon

>Ok low-key the doctor of the family, (I live for this HC of Leon being a doctor) knows right away you are sick when you come in the lair.

> Also doesn't want you in quarentene (Damn Donnie it's not time to test that gigant quarentine snow globe protocol) so takes you to the "Neon City". (Leon's room is filled with Neon signs of all kinds.)

> Lets you use his bed, no questions and doesn't take a no for an answer. (plus his eye mask)

> In the shelfs they are these plants and miniature zen garden, rubik's cube, some origami stuff, figurines....he shows you how to take care of the plants, solve 3d puzzles, even teaching you origami (Leon is a very zen person, if he doesn't have a break from the meme lord he is he would've snapped a long time ago) and his personal favorite: sewing patches to his gigant bed sheet (he started trimming pieces of fabrics and putting em together, remember they aren't rich but resourceful) just to keep you entretained.

> But board games are next level shit, you don't want to play because Leon is a really bad loser/winner he's dumbass and will always complain.

> You two end up watching compilations of memes and vines for HOURS, until you decide is time to watch a movie, but wait its the fucking 69 movies of Jupiter Jim the only thing in the catalogue.

> But you love to reenact your favorite scenes with him, and maybe, just maybe he would let you be Captain Jim this time.

> We all know Leon is really clumsy, yet he's really gentle and soft when he wants to. He treats you the same as always (quoting shitty vines and hideous oneliners from time to time) but he tries to touch you a lot more and if you think of something it's like he already read you mind and bring you what you wanted or needed. Smooth mofo.

> Leon isn't obsessive when it's something mild (like a cold) he knows is something temporary and just want you to keep you distracted, without feeling suffocated or making you feel you can't do anything.

> But if it was something like a broken bone, beatings in general or you having a relapse in any major illness he would get depressed. He won't be as bright with you or with others, his behaivor would shift from 100 to 1 until you get better.

> In this last scenario, silently cries when people he cares about (that are in this state) are asleep, cuz he can't make them heal faster or make them feel better. His brothers snap, are agressive, are short tempered and anxious when they are in this situation, Leon just shuts down and bottles up his feelings of impotence.

>Also another dummy who gets sick, he's a pain in the ass who thinks he's gonna die soon, but give him all the attention an cuddles and he'll be a good boy.

Mikey

>Stole literally all the comfy items (plushies, futons, shelldon, Raph's hot soup) to give it to you.

> Mikey is not knowledgable in med stuff, so he often ask Leon or Donnie about your sickness but won't credit them lol.

> The entire time wears a classic halloween costume nurse hat and wears a white coat and a fake glasses with a mustache when he wants to be a doctor. (plus: makes his voice a little deeper)

> He says that the lair isn't at all like a hospital but the hospital is made by all the good will people of the personal that want to help others, so he dresses up to make you feel in one. You can't help but enjoy everytime he changes from a nurse to a doctor having their monologues about payday and gossiping about the "other" staff.

Dr. Mikey: "Dr. Saenz just told me that he's firing Barbara because he didn't bought him the right sidedish with his pizza."

Nurse Mikey: "hOW DARES BARBARA DISRESPECT DR. SAENZ ONION RINGS WITH BARBECUE SAUCE"

> And takes the game kinda far.

Dr. Mikey: "yOU INSURANCE DOESN'T COVER THIS!!!"

You: "Ok doctor what about if I make a deposit of hugs in the bank for this?"

Mikey:"O-okay!!!! I'm the bank man now!!! (Totally changed into a bank man just adding a red tie)

> Mikey won't turn down your entretainment, neither his. So he'll paint and let you paint saying is your recovery therapy.

> You would have a lot of fun but sometimes you'll feel a little ashamed to show what you did because honestly Mikey is really good, nontheless he'll will always compliment your art and keeps everysingle piece in storage (even things you think he should throw away).

> Mikey's meds skills are basically laugh therapy.

> While his brothers are calm he kinda panics and pretends everything is okay, until he trips on an imaginary banana peel or drops just one of your pills he snAPS and says he's sorry he's not a good enough nurse/doctor in the verge of tears. (Of course you later reasure him his not.)

> He's just so active but he knows you can cope with him, it's sorta frustraiting to him to lower her normal energy levels.

> Doesn't get sick, surprisingly.

[waywardnewcomer]

Healing Hands

A/N: So I may be a little rusty but this song inspired me. Once I got going this flew out of my brain, maybe it’s not gonna be as hard as I thought to get back into it. I hope you enjoy it!

Summary: Dean treats y/n like shit and writes her a song and sings it at an open mic to make up for it.

Song: Healing Hands by Conrad Sewell (This was on my study playlist on Spotify and I’m obsessed)

Warnings: angst, fluff, a catchy af song

Pairings: Dean X Reader

Word Count: 1498

Masterlist

You sighed as you pulled another pint, getting sick of the motion. It was open mic night at the bar you worked at and it always pulled in a big crowd. Since you and your ex, Dean had broken up you took as many shifts as they’d give you to focus your mind on something other than him - it obviously didn’t work.

You and Dean had had a rocky relationship from the start. You met on a hunt when a Wendigo was causing a ruckus in a nearby town and you bumped into him when he was trying to get a shot at the same time as you. Once it was eventually sorted you introduced yourself and discovered he knew your uncle Bobby. You were meant to be retired but when you met the Winchesters your love for hunting all things supernatural came back, however, a year with them had put you off monsters for good. Those boys attracted more trouble than a magnet.

You spent a year with them on the road before finding the bunker. You mostly stuck to research after that, taking care of the boys when they were home and ensuring they ate properly. You also turned into Dean’s carer when he was drunk, something that you hated. However, you knew he only drank to deal with his feelings, as a coping mechanism. You knew all he needed was help and you desperately wanted to help him break the cycle but it was that role that started your very complicated relationship.

At first, it was flirting but that turned into kissing which turned into sex pretty quickly. But Dean would never commit. He’d say he wanted to keep his options open, that he was scared of commitment. But the real reason was he wanted to flirt and ogle other women when he was drunk.

You had lost count of the times he’d go out and stay out until the early hours of the next morning, not even sending a text to let you know he was staying out. He never admitted it but you could tell he spent that time with other women, coming back smelling of perfume, overly happy and apologetic. It didn’t take a genius to figure out. You’d sit up all night worrying a monster had got to him and call him and text him, only to find out his phone had been switched off all along. It was frustrating and draining, tearing you down as much as him.

After months of this, you started setting the alarms to the bunker, always sending him a text telling him you’ve done so but never getting a reply. You didn’t want to put yourself and Sam in danger any longer. He’d never come home anyway... until he did.

You were just getting to sleep, allowing your brain a break from worrying about Dean, sending him one last text letting him know about the alarms. Just as you drifted off the alarm system triggered, loud sirens and flashing lights making you jump up and grab your gun. You saw Sam doing the same and gestured to go each way around the arch to catch the intruder. You were ready to pull the trigger when you saw who it was.

“Dean, what the actual fuck?” You shouted, sighing and lowering your gun. Sam rolled his eyes and went to turn off the alarm.

“Why did you have the alarms set anyway?” He asked you, trying to kiss you on your cheek, but you blocked him.

“Because you never come home anymore. Where the hell have you been?” You asked, enraged.

“Just the bar,” Dean rasped.

“Then why do you smell of perfume and smoke?” You quizzed him, narrowing your eyes.

“Bartender.”

“Whatever Dean. We both know you’ve been sleeping around. I’m not gonna sit at home all night waiting for you. I’m not going to wait for you to commit. I’m not gonna have sex with you whenever you decide to be sober. I’m done. You and me, we’re done. I’m moving out.” You stormed off to pack ignoring his protests. That couldn’t have felt better.

The next day you had moved out and to a small town in Texas. You got a job at a bar and finally started living a normal life. But the thought of Dean still plagued your brain.

You heard the clapping as the next person took the stage, snapping you out of your gaze and realised you’d totally overpoured the ale. You handed it to the customer and went to wash your hands. You shook your head, you needed to pull yourself together. You took a deep breath and turned around, looking at the stage. That man looked a lot like Dean. Man, you were even seeing him now. You shook your head and looked again, seeing the same.

“I’m a little new to this but I wrote this song for a very special girl who I took for granted and treat like shit. I want you to hear this,” He made eye contact with you, making your breath get stuck in your throat and the tears sting in your eyes. It was him.

“Y/n?” You heard Sam’s voice in front of you.

“Why are you here?” You asked, almost angrily.

“He’s sorted himself out: that day you talked some sense into him. Just hear him out.” He smiled and put his hand over yours giving it a little squeeze of reassurance.

You focused your eyes on the man you swore you’d never look at again and put all your attention to him.

“I know, I know, I know, I know, I know I'm not enough sometimes. I know that I'm too much sometimes, but you're still here, my love. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know you wanna walk away, but something in me makes you stay, I can feel it in your touch.” His voice was angelic, making you get choked up. You needed to pull yourself together you swore you wouldn’t cry over him again. “I used to turn off my phone, I used to never come home. You ask me where have I been, and I would lie to your face. But I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't.” He looked into your eyes making you scoff. “You were there for me when I was falling apart, and I let you down, it left a mark on your heart. I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again. You got healing hands, and I swear to God that I'm a better man. You're changing me with the touch of your hand, I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again. You got healing hands.” You started tearing up. “I know, I know, I know, I know, I've broken all your trust it seems, promising that I've come clean. But darling don't give up. If I get drunk in the park, stumble home in the dark. Break into the apartment, set off all the alarms, say you won't, you won't, you won't, you won't.” “You were there for me when I was falling apart and I let you down, it left a mark on your heart. I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again. You got healing hands, and I swear to God that I'm a better man. You're changing me with the touch of your hand, I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again. You got healing hands” You clapped along with the audience, no air in your lungs and tears pouring down your face. He’d practically made a vow of commitment to you in that song, all you ever needed. As he made his way over to you, you grew more nervous. You wiped away your tears and cleared your throat. You took a quick glance at a hopeful Sam before setting your eyes on a sorrowful Dean.

“I’m so sorry y/n. I promise to never do it to you again. I want to be with you, for real this time. You bring out the best parts in me and keep me sane. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love you.” He spoke sincerely, grabbing your hands and looking into your eyes.

“I’m not committing to anything yet, you’ve got a lot to make up for. But I’m not ruling it out completely.”

“So you’ll come home?” He asked hopefully.

“Woah mister, not so fast. Let’s fix our friendship first?” You asked laughing through your tears.

“Okay, I suppose. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” He smiled reassuringly.

“I know, it’s just going to take a lot of healing to make this work.” You sniffled, smiling at him.

He gave you a cheeky grin and kissed your cheek before speaking: “That’s fine, you’ve got healing hands.”

Forever Tags (people who have asked, let me know if you want adding) @creativedogs @a-magey @natashacamillaus @captainsherlockwinchester110283 @sleepylunarwolf @claitynroberts @theshortegg @unicornblood4ever @casiskween @robfangirl @fanficwithasideofcanon @jaremish @mlovesstories @lauren-novak   @spn-tw-37 @supernatural-teamfreewillpage @spnrelatedurl @phonegalhelp @fnosidam @the-hufflepuff-hunter @chonisberonica @hi-my-name-is-riley 

[officialkmi]

Theory of Love Episode 2: Love Actually

I was really looking forward to this episode because, as those who read my first review may remember, I was lest than impressed with the first episode. It left something to be desired and I felt as though the plot was moving too fast for a single episode.

Episode 2 doesn’t fix everything, but I like it a lot more than the first one.

Emotions

The episode itself starts off really heavy. If you haven’t started the series yet and are going it, the start of episode 2 flowers nicely after the emotions of episode 1. However, the entire first half felt extremely heavy and serious, so it was hard for me to really enjoy it. The first episode instantly made me laugh so that I couldn’t help but cry with the emotional ending. This episode has me feeling pity for poor Third, which helps make the second half feel funnier and also more genuine.

Altogether, an emotional first-half does help, but it made the entire episode feel too heavy and I was left thinking the humor was lacking.

ENTER: The Love Rival (I’m pretty sure)

The love rival can also be called “the curse of the drama fan,” as they’re typically the one they’d rather win than the main character’s actual love interest. When the love rival is typically introduced, the main character’s actual love interest is a huge jerk and it seems like the main character has no chance. For our KDrama fans, I typically think of the drama “To the Beautiful You,” which has Minho’s character Tae-Joon appearing as a jerk towards Sulli’s character Jae-Hee. Even though we as the viewer know Tae-Joon will win, many fans still cheered for Lee Hyun-Woo’s character Eun-Gyeol. Of course, by the end, we do support the main love interest, but we still cheer on the second one.

I, personally, have found that the love rival works well to help trigger a change in the main love interest. It’s not always the case, but they can help ignite jealousy and possessiveness, and even to help the main interest realize that they have feelings for the main character.

Now, granted, our new character Un isn’t necessarily a love rival yet. However, considering what I typically see with love rivals, he seems to fit the bill. We have the main love interest, Khai, who seems to be oblivious to Third’s feelings and actually causes Third frustration and pain. He’s carrying about his life like usual, and then this handsome af guy comes up and talks to Third like its nothing. The characters explain that he directs (like Third), he can attract girls without doing anything, and he’s kind. They also mention he’s been hanging around Third since their freshman year (three years, the length of time Third has liked Khai). Oh, yeah, and did I mention he’s handsome? He genuinely makes me think of Forth from 2Moons, as they’re both really handsome and kind (and neither will end up with the main guy, though I’ve heard Forth+Beam should be a thing in season 2 of 2Moons). Honestly, I thought Un’s actor (Earth) was attractive when I saw him as Type in Love By Chance (which didn’t finish airing that long ago).

Basically, from what we know about Un (which is basically how amazing he is + that he’ been friendly with Third since their first year), it seems like he fits the bill and will help ignite the romance a bit.

Wingman Failure

Two has a good heart. I said in the last review that, just based on the preview for episode 2, it seemed like he’d be a key ally to Third. His attempts to help actually make for great comedic relief since he’s really bad at helping Third. One thing that’s apparent early on in the episode is that Two doesn’t quite understand Third’s mentality. Third has kept this secret for three years! He was ready to give up and move on and never tell anyone the truth. It was just luck that Two walked in on him breaking down after having his heart broken yet again by Khai. What does this mean? It means that Third won’t confess just because the timing’s good. This lends itself to the central conflict of this episode: Third’s confessions. Or attempts at them.

In this episode, he has about three good chances to confess to Khai. One is set up by Two, which is when they’re collecting ambient sound. However, he chickens out. And who can blame him? Why would he just confess out of the blue to Khai? It’s not until Khai seems to drop hints about being open to a confession that Third can actually bring himself to do anything (however, Khai is an idiot and probably doesn’t realize that’s the message he’s sending. I’ll get to Khai later).

The second confession is when Third decides to take Two’s advice to copy a confession from a movie. He chooses the film “Love Actually,” which is where the episode’s name comes from. However, this ends in failure because Khai just thinks that Third is trying to help him find ways to get Milk back.

The third confession is set up thinks to Two’s brilliant plan. Using the classic “plan doesn’t go according to plan, but still works,” Two has Third pretend he can’t pay for his apartment. He then says he can’t take him in, planning to have Khai volunteer. Instead, Bone offers. Now, the sight of Bone’s room pretty much makes it clear that Bone should not invite anyone into his room ever and he should probably throw 90% of what’s in his room away. Finally, Khai takes pity and stops Third from staying there, instead inviting him over to his own place. Finally, third makes his confession, which is cute and poetic. The problem is, Khai is stupid and doesn’t realize the poetic statement is a confession. He tells Third not to say that to anyone else, not even their friends, because they’d instantly fall in love. He then walks off, giving Third yet another failed attempt at confessing.

Khai: Redeemed?

In my last review, I made it clear that I didn’t really like Khai’s character. He feels like this character that’s hard to like, as he just keeps hurting Third over and over again. We’re given no info on him other than the fact that he’s an attractive womanizer. However, there is some bit of redemption and hope for the viewer to like him more as the series progresses.

Khai’s redemption actually likes in the fact that he’s an idiot who keeps dropping clues, whether he means to or not. He’s not as big of an asshole in this episode, but he’s also talking about no longer dating girls who don’t really love him. We also see Khai as doing the job he should as a friend: helping and comforting Third. He seems like his heart is more or less in the right place, but this is only episode 2 and I really doubt Khai will be able to keep this up. I watched the preview for episode 3, and that only seems to confirm my suspicions that he’s going to chase after another skirt, leaving Third to feel heartbroken again while not being able to mope around because he’ll have to see Khai and whoever Khai’s hooking up with no place to escape.

Pan? Un?

We meet two new characters in this episode, Pan and Un. I’ve already covered Un’s introduction, but I’d like to reiterate that he really is an attractive guy and we’re not given much info on him aside from his popularity and relationship with Third. Third also seems to genuinely enjoy talking to him, so I really think that he’ll be an interesting character to see develop.

Pan’s timing for her introduction isn’t the best, in my opinion. She’s introduced in the very last scene, which removes any “I want more” feelings from the viewer. We see her talk to Bone, and we see that Bone is clearly interested. Well...there goes my wish that Bone and Two will pair up. Granted, things could change, but the preview also shows an introduction to a female character played by Neen Suwanamas who is clearly known by Two (mydramalist has her listed as Lin, but our Sotus fans may recognize her as May). While I’m fine with Two and Bone both getting girlfriends, I was kind of hoping that the series would feature a second gay romance to help break up the story of the one.

While we get almost no interest on Pan, her being introduced in the last scene would typically imply she’ll be an important character. This especially would hint at her being a key player in the next episode, but it could also be a poor choice for the ending scene in general. For that, we’ll just have to wait and see.

What I Loved

There were a few things I liked this episode. One of the main things I loved was Third editing together the sound clips to say “Khai, I love you” while crying by himself. It was a really emotional scene, especially with the song playing in the background. These are words that we, as viewers, don’t know if Third will ever be able to actually say to Khai. That makes this scene that much more emotional. While the shot did feel long, even with the cross fades between shots, the song playing did help. Besides, the cross fade and slow tears made it feel more of a real pain. It wasn’t him overwhelmed in his heartbreak and swearing to move on, it was him acknowledging to himself that he may never say those words to Khai.

I also loved the scene when they sat in the theater watching the credits role. While they did talk about the movie itself at first, they still sat watching in silence after they finished talking. They were the only people in the theater watching the credits role, which could have simply been setting up a nice shot. However, for me it felt more significant since they are film students. One day, that could be their names in the credits. Also, they understand the hard work that goes into making a movie because of their major. It’s really nice, even though I may just be imagining the whole thing.

Finally, I loved how they showed Third imagining each confession to Khai when looking for a movie confession to use. Each time Bone recommended one, Third imagined it and it was honestly hilarious. It helped lighten the mood for the episode a bit more, which I felt was vital after the serious feeling in the first two parts of the episode.

In general, the mood really picked up after the first half. I especially liked how it showed them together in the apartment, watching a movie, both crying over it. It made the relationship feel more genuine, which is important if the viewer is going to cheer for Khai at all and support the relationship.

Final Words

I left this episode liking Khai more than I had after the first. Additionally, the pacing felt a lot better, too. However, some scenes didn’t flow well and I wasn’t left with that feeling of wanting more after the episode was over. Between episodes one and two, I was eagerly awaiting the subs for Episode 2. I wanted t see what would happen after the emotional ending of Episode 1.

Since we, as the viewers, don’t understand if Pan is anyone of importance, since this is her first appearance, it’s hard to really like her introduction as the ending of the episode. While I know not every episode can end in a cliff hanger, I would’ve liked a more satisfying end to the episode.

[tessxomarie]

Saving You - Part Seven

*TRIGGER WARNING: This scene discusses self harm as well as sexual assault. If you need to skip this part, please do so. Please remember if you or someone you know have suffered from sexual assault, there is a link for if you want to reach out: https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

Also, if you’d like to message me to talk – I am always here to talk and listen!*

Things go from bad to worse. I promise, things will all fall into place after this part...just have to go through some ugly stuff to get those rainbows.

The 4th of July, a wonderful day in our country. We all get to eat unhealthy foods, blow shit up, drink and party to celebrate our independence. I started this holiday by working a 12-hour night shift. Kendra was walking in as I was walking out, she wasn’t on the clock until Noon, but someone was a no show and that girl is always about making an extra dollar.

It’s now 7:45am, I eat a bagel and drink some chocolate milk because deep down, I’m still a five-year-old at heart.

“Hey, I may be out of here at 3 but if that’s the case I’m going home to nap and I’ll just meet you at the clubhouse later on. I’ll be there for the fireworks.” Kendra texts me right before I go to bed for the day.

“Sounds good, love.” I text back and then I fall asleep.

It’s now 4pm, I literally slept all day - I must have needed it.

I wake up to a bunch of texts, a dozen from Kenz as she was bored at work. She did get off early but now she’s taking her own nap.

Coco texted me asking what time I was going to be there, mentioning Letty was going to be hanging around today and wanted me to keep her company at some point. Lastly, Bishop texted me saying he’s excited to see me.

I manage to get myself out of bed, I look at my mirrored closet and I’m disgusted with my current appearance.

“Jesus, did I go to rave in my sleep?” I ask myself as I survey the bird’s nest on my head. I take a rinse off shower and opt for the dry shampoo look as this is a simple clubhouse party; I’m not impressing anyone tonight.

“Do I try to go all Miley for this holiday or do I try to be the good wholesome All-American Girl?” I ask myself as I stare at my closet pondering life.

After a half hour of sitting in my towel and browsing social media, I opt for a red and navy light weight flannel, white tank and a pair of jean shorts, converse to complete this casual look - “I’m patriotic AF.” I say as I pose in my mirror.

As I’m go to do my hair, I notice my Claddagh ring on my dresser - the sparkle of the emerald is catching my eye, “Okay Grams, I’ll wear the ring. 4th of July is special, I guess.” I say to myself as I slip my ring on. 

I put my hair in a weak side braid, gather my purse, phone and the pasta salad I volunteered to bring because doesn’t every 4th of July party involve some sort of pasta salad? - and then I make my way out the door. 

I pull up to the scrapyard, and Chucky is directing traffic.

“Nurse Aleeah! I’m so happy to see you! Plus, you’re not here for work, that must be a first.” He says to me as he opens my Jeep door.

“Hey Chucky, I think you’re right - this just might be the first time I’ve been here not on nurse duty.” I say to him as he helps grab my pasta bowl and hands it to me. In the distance I hear shouting of some sort, I look over by the fighting cage and my favorite victims are already going at it.

“I may have spoken too soon.” Chucky whispers.

I look at Chucky and quirk a look, “I’m going to take care of this right now.”

I strut right over to the Reyes brothers, pasta salad bowl in hand and all.

“Hey, Dumb and Dumber, can’t we get along for one fucking day?” I shout.

Both boys look away from me, “Oh I’m sorry, was I interrupting? Was I being rude?” I say with sass.

“It’s fine, Lee.” EZ says and shrugs his shoulders looking at his brother. “Yup, we’re fine Leah.” Angel spits back.

Angel takes a step and walks briskly past me, but I’m not in the mood for that today.

“Hey, douchebag.” I holler going after him, which causes him to spin around as quickly as he started walking.

“What?” He spits again.

“I don’t appreciate your attitude towards me these last few days. All I do is save you time and time again, Angel. Don’t treat me like some biker slut when I ask how you’re doing - I fucking stitch you whole again and again, I think I’ve earned a little bit of respect; especially if you tell others I’m the only one you trust.” I end with a whisper.

“Who told you that?” He asks with a nervous look.

“You’re wonderful girlfriend.” I say with another attitude, and just as those words leave my tongue, he turns back and heads towards the clubhouse.

EZ then comes up behind me, “What EZ?” I ask in a grouchy tone.

“He and Adelita are done, broken up or whatever. That’s what he and I were discussing over there. I asked him where he’s been lately, and that’s when he said he told her he was done, and he left her a few days ago.”

I stare at EZ and back towards the Clubhouse with my jaw dropped.

He dumped her...why?

Is she going to come after him?

So many thoughts race through my mind.

“I need to get this pasta inside.” I stutter and before EZ can even respond, I’m on autopilot to the clubhouse.

I’m greeted by Gilly and Riz, Riz takes my pasta bowl and puts it on the table with the other dishes.

It’s already getting busy up in here, a lot of families are hanging around inside and it seems as they are prepping to take most of the party outside in the yard. “Remind me again, why the hell is the clubhouse the hosting spot this year?” I ask Gilly.

“Well, last year we may or may not have sparked a little fire at Bishop’s place, so it was that night he declared next year’s party would be held at the clubhouse and here are.”

“Ahh, I see. Nothing says independence like having a party with outlaws.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing, Leah.” Gilly jokes as he gives me a half hug.

“Aleeah!” I hear Bishop shout as he enters the room. “How are you, sweetheart?” He asks as he kisses my cheek.

“I’m good. Survived my night shift, slept all day, pasta salad was made and now I’m here.” I say with a smile.

“I’m glad you’re here and it’s not for medical reasons.” He says with a laugh.

“Shh, the night hasn’t even begun. There’s plenty of time for fuckery.” I say with a cautious smile.

I chat with a few of the guys for a few moments, I then see Angel emerge and our eyes lock.

The spark that was there, it’s gone now.  I so badly want to talk to him, but I don’t even know how to start a conversation with him without straight for a sassy comment.  

“Hey Bish, Oakland will be here in a little bit.” I hear Hank say from the bar.

I look over at Hank’s way and back at Bishop…Oakland...Erik...fuck fuck fuck.

“Oakland is coming?” I nervously question Bish.

“Oh yeah, some of them called asking what we were doing so I invited them down to join our big fiesta. It’s going to be great, right?” He says as he gives me another half hug.

I stand there frozen and I just nod my head.

Erik is coming. I just know it.

I reach for my phone and text Kendra. I know she’s still sleeping, but maybe I’ll get lucky. My nerves are now in high gear.

That is when Coco comes to my rescue for the time being. “Lee Lee!” He shouts as he comes in for a hug.

“Coco, how are you doing? Everything healing up alright?” I ask doing a once over.

“Yeah, I’m feeling good. Leg is a little sore, but I’m fine. Leticia is in the office, I had her finish up some filing shit – keeping her busy. She always enjoys chatting with you, so if you could go say hi to her, that would make me super happy.” Coco says with a small smile.

“Oh my gosh, of course Coco. I could use a distraction right now actually, so I’ll go visit her right now.” I say ready to head out the door but Coco holds me back, “Angel has been an asshole to everyone lately, don’t take it too personal, Lee. He broke it off with Adelita right after we got the clear to leave the clubhouse, I guess he’s taking it a little harder than he had planned.”

I wasn’t even referring to Angel, but the explanation does justify his attitude – it still isn’t acceptable.

“Thanks of the heads up.” I say with a small smile as I head out of the clubhouse and head to the office.

“Knock Knock.” I say as I slowly open the door to find Letty at the desk.

“Leah!” She says with excitement.

“How are you Letty?” I ask as she gets up and greets me with a hug.

“I’m alright, as you can see my dad is keeping me busy.” She tells me as she shows the piles of folders on the desk.

“He’s just keeping you safe.” I assure her.

“That’s what they keep telling me.” She says as she sits back down.

“So, how is everything going? I’ve heard EZ and Angel have kept you busy.” She says with a small giggle.

“Boys, nothing good comes from them.” I respond shaking my head. 

“I mean, some good things come from them.” Letty says with a wink.

“Jesus child, you’re not even legal to vote yet. Calm down.” I reprimand with a laugh.

Letty and I continue to catch up on life, she asks me a lot about the clinic and hospital.

I get lost in a daze and find myself snapping my ponytail on my wrist and then Letty snaps me out of it, “Leah are you alright?” She worriedly asks.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good.” I say with a flat face, still snapping my pony-tail.

“Can I ask you something?” Letty asks sharply, yet eagerly.

“Of course, shoot.”

“I don’t want to upset you or anything, I’m genuinely curious about this and that’s why I’m asking; why do you snap that pony tail holder so often? Is it like a therapy thing?”

I’m a bit taken a back by her words, only because I’ve never had anyone question the ponytail before.

“Huh, that is a good question, Letty. Umm, I guess there is no easy way to come out and say this so here it goes; I use to cut myself when I was around your age. I was one of those teens that used this as a stupid coping mechanism when my mom was too drugged out to give a damn, or when her drug dealer boyfriend would knock me around – the last time I cut myself was last year and that’s because I was hurt really bad. Before that, I think I was around 21 when I last cut myself. I snap the pony tail whenever I feel nervous or anxious, figured it’s safer to snap elastic than use a blade.” I say with some humor because I hate serious talks, they just never end well in my history.

Leticia just stares at my wrist and then up at me, “Fuck, Leah. I’m so sorry – I had no idea.”

“Oh no, don’t apologize. You asked, I wanted to give you a truthful answer.” I reply with a smile.

“So, the hair tie prevents you from making the choice to cut yourself?” She asks.

“Yeah, it does. In rare moments when I’m not wearing one, it’s not for long. Just remember this, if you see a naked wrist for more than an hour,– that usually means something horrible happened and I’m being an idiot.”  

I leave Letty to finish up the work Coco had left for her.

As I walk through the yard, I see a lot more people are here. Women, their kids, other friends of the club are all here for a big 4th of July bash.

I see a few of the boys on the grill, prepping for the big feast. Everyone is smiling, laughing, music is playing; it’s perfect, in a very dysfunctional biker way.

I make my way to the door of the clubhouse and that’s when I hear a roar of bikes.

Oakland is here.

I rush inside as if it’s my safe zone.

I see EZ and Gilly by the pool table, Angel is on the couch with a few whores hanging on him. I go by EZ, I know he’ll keep me safe.

My stomach is in knots, as I know Erik is here. I haven’t seen him, but I just know it. I don’t want him to walk in here, but I almost want him to so I can get this over with.

Jesus, I need Kendra.

As I watch the guys play pool, I reach in my pocket for my phone so I can text Kendra yet again.

“When will you be here? I need you.” I type out and press send.

“I just woke up, I’ll be there in a little.” Kenz replies.

I let out a sigh, wishing my best friend would just hurry her ass up.

“Everything alright, Lee?” EZ asks as he heard my sigh.

“Yeah, I just want Kenz to be here already.” I admit.

“I think she’ll be here in a little.” He says.

“Oh will she now? You know her schedule now?” I tease. EZ just flashes me a big smile.

“Hey guys, food is ready!” Riz comes in and announces. Most of the crowd inside heads outside, some remain inside and snack on what is remaining at the table.

I opt to stay inside because no Oakland guys have come inside yet.

I’m safe.

EZ is still in here.

I’m protected. 

I do not have to be afraid.

I pick at my pasta salad, the nerves are still there.

You know that feeling you get when you just know something is about to happen, you just want that moment to happen and get over with already? That’s me, right now.

Just let Erik walk in, let me see him and then I can make my exit, I think to myself.

I get up to throw away my plate and that is when the clubhouse door opens and my stomach drops.

He’s here.

I look to the door, and a handful of the Oakland guys have now entered.

I’m about to head back by the pool table, but I see EZ heading towards the door.

“I’m gonna be outside for a bit, Kendra is coming now.” He informs me and then as quickly as he informed me, he’s out the door.

A handful of MC friends are now inside, and Angel, He’s at the bar.

I figure this is my chance, I can go make nice with him and use him as my distraction to keep Erik away.

“Hey Angel.” I say as I shimmy between the bar chairs.

“What do you want?” He spits.

“Can’t I just say hi?” I ask.

“Come on, Leah. That’s never the case with us, we never just say ‘hi’”.

He has a point, but I don’t have the time for his logic right now.

“Okay, I umm…I just wanted to talk to you, I first wanted to say I’m sorry to hear about you and Adelita and to also apologize for going off on her the last time we were all in here.”

Angel looks at me, I’m looking at the ground nervously and I feel his gaze on me. I slowly look up, and he’s searching for words.

Just as he’s about to say something, an arm snakes around my waist.

Erik.

“Aleeah, mami. Is this where you have been hiding? Why you hiding baby? You should be out there partying with everyone else.”

“Erik, leave me alone.” I say as I remove his arm from my waist, but he then places his arm there again.

“That’s not so nice, baby. Why you gotta be so rude?” He asks as he rubs my cheek, and I backhand his arm.

“Ooo, still feisty I see.”

“Erik, you’re being rude. Can’t you see I’m talking to Angel?” I motion.

“Oh, we’re done talking.” Angel interjects.

“Angel wait, we need to finish talking. Please, I’m begging you.” I plead as Erik’s grip on my waist gets tighter.

“I love to hear you beg, Mami. Come on, let’s take this party to the next room.” Erik says low, but it’s loud enough for Angel to hear.

“It appears you have someone else wanting your attention, Leah. Have fun.” He says as he walks away and that is when all hope of mine is gone.

I look around the clubhouse and there is not one familiar face around, and now Erik has tightened his grip on my wrists.

“That’s better.” He whispers in my ear.

“Erik, no. Please, please stop whatever this is. I’m not interested.” I beg as I try to push him off of me.

“You know the more you say no, or the more you beg for me to stop, it just turns me on more, baby. Come on, let’s have some fun. I need to show you what you missed out at the last party.” He creepishly says as he runs his finger along my jaw.

I can feel tears forming in my eyes, “No, Erik. Please, stop. Let’s go outside.” I try to suggest.

It’s then when he grabs my face and whispers in my ear, “Nobody gets to see what I’m about to do to you. That’s a private matter, mami. C’mon, lets go.” He says as he now his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet.

I want to scream, but I’m frozen in fear.

He then guides me to one of the rooms down the hall, I drag my feet but he then pulls my hair.

“Let’s go slut, I need to remind you of a few things.” He says as he closes the door. I try to scream but he slaps my face before a sound escapes.

“Don’t be stupid, Leah. Don’t fight me, baby.” He tells me as me touches my face and traces my body with his slimey fingers that makes my body quiver in the worst way.

“Erik, no. please, stop.” I beg as the tears start rolling down my cheeks.

He laughs. He fucking laughs.

He’s holding my wrists so tight, I can’t move if I tried - I’m frozen.

I want to fight, I try to wiggle around him, I try to knee him, I try to hit him. That only results in more bitch slaps and hair pulls.

My poor effort to escape is fading, I almost wish he would just kill me instead, at least I wouldn’t have to relive this pain again.

I then hear a zipper unzip, and I feel his breath on the back of my neck.

It’s happening. Again. 

My worst nightmare is happening again, and I’m helpless. 

[shadow-storm-wolf]

Introspection under the cut cause this will be long, and self- focused, and probably rambling af. 

Tonight I was talking with one of my roomies, who spent the weekend with her siblings and  cousins and catching up with family in general. I mean, it’s mother’s day weekend. -shrug-

But we got on topic about how a lot of her cousins are x age and already done x, y, z - kids, master’s degree, more kids, even more kids - (granted her family is LDS/ Mormon so Family is a Thing, but that’s an aside)  and there was a tone of kind of her comparing herself to the others and shrugging it off. 

Me? I try not to do that. I can’t measure myself to the milestones that exist because the instant I pull out that measuring tape I look at what I had - and what I don’t have anymore.

This is not meant to be a whining session, okay? just. Introspection, and looking at a decade plus of choices, and wondering. And while I don’t honestly know if I’d o back and change anything if I could - because let’s be real, I’d change One Specific Choice and the rest would come flying apart - I look at all those stupid milestones that “kids” my age are supposed to have by now. 

I’ve been married. That lasted a decade. 

I have two kids. He’s got custody. And has made it clear I’m not particularly welcome as far as he’s concerned.

I got a partial scholarship invite to a decent college. I never went. (got married and moved out of state instead)

I’ve worked hard enough and long enough hours that I haven’t had much of a chance to even look at going to school. Wouldn’t even have a damn clue what to study if I did. I’d be fighting myself every step of the way with a normal structured class setup. And I haven’t even had the idea of money to look into classes until recently. 

We (he) bought a house. My name was never in the paperwork, so I had no claim for it in the divorce. Not that I would have wanted it on just my own budget. He later sold it to move to another state.

I look at this stupid list and i tend to see the but it didn’t last aspect. So I don’t look at this. I despise this list. This list makes me think of all the shit I lost. So no, I don’t want to fucking compare myself to anyone the fuck else. I look at everyone else, marrying early, having kids early, etc etc. And I wonder how many of them are like me: doing it because that’s “what’s expected” or not seeing another “way out”. I look at the way student debt is racking up across the US and the way homelessness is skyrocketing. 

And I say my fucking thank-yous for being able to land a decent job. That right now I only have to support myself emotionally, and myself financially. I send child support every month. I haven’t seen my boys in 3 years. I try not to think too much about that, either. (that’s a topic for another day.)

I made choices over the years... I got married fresh from high school. Moved half the country away from my in-laws and my own family. Had kids. 

I made friends, lost friends, made more. I learned how to put pen to paper and put my pain onto the page and bleed a little bit of myself into my writing. I learned to be aware past my own self. I learned that Truly Awesome people are sometimes hiding right where I least expect it. 

And yeah, if I had to tell teen! me something, I would tell her to be brave. I would tell her to go the fuck to college, or at least a trade school, get some sort of skill under her belt that could be very useful much earlier on. I would have told her to dump his ass early. Let my heart get broken a decade before. I would have told her to wait, there will be a time for kids later, if you still want to have them. 

I would have told her to love herself a little bit more. To listen to my peers more often. I’d tell her to love a bit more freely and laugh more often and not be afraid to cry. 

But I’ve had to learn those lessons the hard way, so really. I don’t want to change my past. I have to accept what is, and move on, and make each choice as I step into the future. Try to learn from past lessons and not make a mockery of what I’ve done so far. I may not have the picture- perfect family that society has tried to insist I have. 

It took me a long time to realize I didn’t want that.

I want other things. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to help the people I choose to help. I want to know I’m making something stronger of myself. And honestly? That’s not easy. My biggest fucking battle through all this is learning what the fuck do I want for myself. Because I don’t know. I’ve spent so long being told what I should want, what other people want from me, what I’m expected to do / be/ behave. 

I won’t change my past. I won’t compare myself to everyone the fuck else. I compare myself to where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I want to be. 

And I’ll forge my own damn self into someone stronger, braver, kinder. Sharper and squishier, happier and grieving, joyful and vicious. I am whoever I am forging myself to be.

And at the end of the day, that has to be enough.