#marriage ethics

[cmcsmen]

Marriage Ethics

“I” is the most important word in cultures of western society.  For us moderns, the “I”, one’s own ego, is the defining lens of reality.  If I say it is, then it is.  If it looks this way to me, then it must be.  If I think it is right, well it’s right and no one can tell me otherwise.  Copernicus got it wrong. The world does not revolve around the sun, it revolves around the “I”.  The universe is not heliocentric, it’s egocentric.

“Want” is the second most important word in western cultures.  In effect, it is the driving force of all action.  Ask any person why they did what they did and eventually when you press back far enough it will come down to the fact that they “wanted to.”  Why did you go to college?  To get a job.  Why did you get a job? To make money.  Why did you make money? To buy the stuff I want.  Why do you buy stuff?  Because I want to! String the words together and you get the defining phrase of western culture: “I want.”  Deep within us is a longing desire in search for fulfillment – but fulfillment to what end or for what purpose?  The “I” is in search for stable ground on which to anchor our contingent existence. And so we grasp. Our quest is to simply obtain the desire of whatever our ego wants.  Christian wisdom has always advised that this desired fulfillment be directed away from us, away from the ego. The gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) instructing Christian faith have something to say about our quest for personal fulfillment.  It is to be found not in the “I” but in the “thou.”

Christian marriage, in particular, demands the sacrifice of this self-serving ego.  Rather than a mutual agreement between two “I wants” marriage is a covenant between two “I do’s.”  One reason it might be set forth for the lack of success of marriages in our day is that marriage, in the Christian sense, is antithetically opposed to the idolization of the “I” in our culture.  But, it’s in the air we breathe and we hardly notice it until we are forced to our knees with some regret for the way we are behaving or moved by some piece of inspiration . It is the difference between lust and love.  Lust desires the other for the sake of self.  Love desires the other for the sake of the other.  Lust wants.  Love gives.  It is the difference between “I want” and “I do.” The paradigm for this ethic is found in the life and death of Jesus Christ, the one we call Savior of our lives.  Jesus gave himself for the likes of us and underwent the worse that human beings can mete out to another human being for reasons that he and his Father and the Spirit that fuses them both are in love with the human race.  This Trinitarian God of Christian faith wants us where He is.   This gospel narrative – this paradigm of self-sacrifice is supreme inspiration for all our friendships and especially our marriages and family life.  Some can do this; others don’t have it within them to do this, unfortunately. So, how does one move from the mindset of “I want” to “I do?  Jesus, in his life’s pattern, death and resurrection gave us reason for living  away from the “I” where human fulfillment is premised precisely in subtracting from ourselves in order to add to someone or some thing else. How does one change the focus of reality away from the “I” to someone outside of himself or herself?  Such changes are necessary if one is to succeed in a Christian marriage. What we are talking about is a change in the pattern or mode of thinking.  It is a change in habit.  It is the cultivation of those virtues which run contrary to selfish egoism.  It is voluntarily taking up, from a Christian perspective, a critical stance against the culture.  It is the cultivation of an authentic friendship with Jesus Christ in between us. Selfless virtues are the basis of authentic friendship. This is why the Greek philosopher, Aristotle, in his Nicomachean Ethics, trans... Indianapolis:  Hackett, 1999, writes that “those who wish goods to their friends for the friend’s own sake are friends most of all.” Friendship is the willingness to will the good of the other for his or her sake. It looks at the other before considering the “I”.  Friendships are not self-interested.  They simply delight in the goodness of the other as being other. At the center of “Christian” marriage should exist a most intimate and authentic friendship. This friendship sharpens the relationship between the lovers, purifying their desires of all selfishness. For, says the Greek philosopher, “virtue is forged in friendship.” Authentic friendship teaches one how to be selfless.  It cultivates an attitude of “I do”.  In order to re-establish good and healthy marriages it is important that we come to learn how to have good and healthy friendships. We Christians have a lot of work to do to overturn the culture by the sheer witness of our Christian lifestyle.  Christianity was meant to season life’s experience as salt and light (Matthew 5, 13-16).  We need more images of self-sacrificing friendship if we would be turned opposite selfish lives and see more clearly the Christ of our faith. Again, the modeling comes from Jesus and the empirical experience of Christians at their earliest.  The New Testament letter to the Ephesians (5, 25-33) exhorts, “men, love your wives as Christ loves his bride, the Church!”  And how does Christ love his bride?  Well, he sacrificed himself for her.  He bled for her and squeezed out his life for her. There was no egoism or narcissism or me-first in any of that action on his part.   — writers of this article are, Jegar Fickel and Bishop Joseph Perry Mundelein Seminary  2014

" Honoring our wives, which not surprisingly is also one of the best things we can do for our children, requires us to slow down, pay attention, listen, and be truly present." 

-- Joel Schmidt

From   'Journey to Heaven - A Road Map for Catholic Men' by Randy Hain

[raspberryconverse]

Interesting moments in polyamory: going shopping for sexy panties for your spouse to wear on their dates

[goldenstarprincesses]

Out: Puritan and Quaker America

In: America lived with the Shakers because they saw him as just another sad little abandoned orphan and with their interpretation of God leaning more mystical they weren't freaked out by him not aging normally

[pigeonxp]

just wow

[curiositysavesthecat]

*This poll was submitted to us and we simply posted it so people could vote and discuss their opinions on the matter. If you’d like for us to ask the internet a question for you, feel free to drop the poll of your choice in our inbox and we’ll post them anonymously (for more info, please check our pinned post).

[powerupcomicstonight]

[vampirebitestigmata]

I want to make my stance incredibly clear: despite getting divorced, loumand was never married. that was a situationship covered up by a thick thick 300lb weighted blanket named love

[sixpossumsinaclownsuit]

Remember kiddos, polygamy and polyamory was only demonized for four core reasons:

Tw: homophobia, sexism, religious commentary, political commentary, oppression

1.) America wanted more taxes

Part of the legal institutionalization of marriage is that there is tax benefits for the individual parties when they get married, and financial ties/power is attorney between married people. It becomes messy when these ties extend to multiple people/marriages and the I*RS wants they tax money, and America would rather just make an entire way of life illegal than make laws and systems that accommodate people. See point #4 for more on that

2.) Puritan culture (aka thinly veiled sexism)

Puritan culture relies heavily on systems of control that villainize sex and women (that's a whole other conversation but I won't digress), and lots of marriages/polygamous marriages having sex with each other is obviously bad bad bad!! Hard to control!! Save the defenseless women from their pimp husbands! Orgies, the devil's work! And...

3.) Homophobia

Good god, women being in marriages together! Married to a man, but what if these women end up by being married to each other by extension! And having sex with each other! And what if a woman marries more than one man! Would these men become inferior to their wives? Would one of these husbands be less dominant than another? Would the men function in these complex marriages like a woman?! Disgusting! That's gay (derogatory!) Would these husbands be having sex with each other? But that's gay and gay is bad! Sex is bad! God, purge these sinners of their Sodomy!

(Surprise surprise, homophobia has very little to do with actual gay people and has everything to do with puritan culture, control, sexism and the demonization of sex, and points two and three are actually the same thing)

4.) Christian nationalism

Polygamy and nonmonogamy is normalized and integrated with several non-Christian and alternative Christian cultures going back thousands of years, like Islam, Mormonism, feudal Japanese/samurai cultures, Hinduism, several Native American cultures, etc... even in the Bible in Judeo-Christian history and biblical era cultures nonmonogamy was normalized. Banning nonmonogamy in America is banning the right to engage in non-christian religious rite and practice. It's only something criminal to post-puritan Christians and those beliefs becoming law, regardless of other religious beliefs and practices also existing in America, is the unseparation of church and state.

So before you tell a polyamorous person "oh that's cheating with permission" or "I could NEVER do that," or "I love my partner too much to do that/cheat like that," remember that these are the institutions and the propaganda you're upholding with your judgement. Supporting/ being kind about polyamory is religious tolerance, and biting your thumb at the I*RS.

Tl:dr, the dissolution of separating of church and state, puritan culture and the sexism/homophobia associated with puritan culture is why nonmonogamy is demonized and why polygamy is illegal in America.

Tone indication/post intention: satirical and exaggerated tones criticizing longstanding institutions of oppression with the intent to explain why judging, hating or criticizing nonmonogamous practices is oppressive and a result of propaganda. This post is not intended to persuade people who practice monogamy to practice nonmonogamy instead or to demonize monogamy. It is intended to advocate for breaking the stigma around nonmonogamy.

[csphire]

Whispers and hopes when it comes to a future BG3 DLC.

For the record, I'd love to do a playthrough romancing Karlach while playing as Dammon. One where he has got some backstory rather than making a clone of him. Another to romance him while playing as Karlach. Yet another where I could romance them both as a Tav or Durge. That's how much I adore, love and relate to both of them.

Their and our stories deserve to be told.

Some of us need more sunshine in our lives too!

Feel free to use any of these for drawing references with your player characters but please tag me because one, I can't get enough of him and Karlach, and two, I want to reblog your hard work. <3

[befuddled-calico-whump]

Jericho Davis, a dad, but like, a cool dad. Huge computer nerd. Didn't start coding until his mid-twenties but quickly discovered it was his calling. Believes crime is actually okay, sometimes, but has a stronger moral backbone than most nuns. Dresses like he's IT. He technically is IT, but he's also strong enough to pick up an entire office's worth of IT guys and yeet them across the room.

[raspberryconverse]

Polyamory be like

[wangxianficrecs]

a ghost for a ghost by dragongirlG

a ghost for a ghost

by dragongirlG (@dragongirlg-fics)

M, WIP, 8k, Wangxian

Part of the Danmei Diaspora Creatives

Summary: Lan Wangji had been comatose for a week when his uncle and brother discovered the glowing blue thread around his wrist. When Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren discover that Lan Wangji's mating bond to Wei Wuxian's lingering spirit is keeping him comatose, they turn to an alternate solution to break the bond and save Lan Wangji's life: marrying Wei Wuxian's ghost off to someone else with Jin Guangyao's help. Kay's comments: I am so weak for ghost marriage stories and this one really has its hold on me and I was so excited to see that it's updating again! In which Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji bond before Wei Wuxian's death to ensure Wen Yuan's safety, but of course, Lan Wangji's family has something to say about that and with Jin Guangyao's help, they attempt to marry a dead Wei Wuxian off to the Ghost General himself. Very cool idea and I am excited to see how it plays out! The Untamed canon. Excerpt: “Wei-gongzi,” Jin Guangyao greeted, face half-hidden in shadow. Wei Wuxian let his lips curl into a mirthless smile. “Lianfang-zun, you look well. Was it you who summoned me?” “Not exactly.” Jin Guangyao’s brow lifted slightly, his eyes widening in practiced surprise. “Have you not checked your wrist yet? I thought that would be the first thing on your mind.” “My wrist?” Wei Wuxian echoed, keeping his voice low to hide his alarm. “I suppose you haven’t.” Jin Guangyao let out a small, disappointed sigh. “Ah, well. I found it fitting. A ghost for a ghost. Some would say it’s karmic justice.”

pov alternating, omegaverse, alpha wei wuxian, omega lan wangji, bittersweet ending, canonical character death - wei wuxian, endgame wangxian, ghost wei wuxian, ghost bride au, ghost marriage, coma, dubious ethics, ghosts, hurt/comfort, angst and hurt/comfort, chinese mythology & folklore, weddings

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Ryan Grenoble at HuffPost:

Justice Elena Kagan thinks the Supreme Court’s conservative majority may not stop at abortion rights, she told a crowd at the New York University School of Law on Monday, warning that the logic used to overturn Roe v. Wade could be broadly applied elsewhere. “I don’t think you’re overreading the bigger question,” Kagan said in a conversation with Melissa Murray, a law professor and podcast host who’d asked about the implications of Roe’s reversal, according to The New York Times.

With its landmark 2022 decision in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, the high court dismantled the right to abortion based on the argument that it is not “deeply rooted in this Nation’s history and tradition,” as Justice Samuel Alito wrote at the time. “That’s the entirety of the majority’s reasoning,” Kagan said. If you extend that argument elsewhere, said Kagan, it’s possible to strike down what would otherwise be firm constitutional protections. “Then you say the same thing for contraception,” she warned. “Then you can say the same thing for interracial marriage. Then you could say the same thing for gay marriage.” Kagan also addressed the ongoing ethics scandal that’s embroiled the court, with bombshell stories about Alito and Clarence Thomas, another conservative justice, accepting lavish gifts from Republican billionaires like Paul Singer, who’s repeatedly had business before the court.

SCOTUS Justice Elena Kagan is right: more than just abortion rights could be on the chopping block with this radical right-wing 6-3 majority on the high court.

[feralchaton]

The secret? Love.

My partner/love/friend/soulmate. We met when nothing should have worked but realized we couldn't, wouldn't be without each other. Yes, we tried, I ran away for a year - anti marriage and love, at the time, while he was married and worked on what he needed to.

Our anniversary is coming up. I count from the first day we met. The first day I saw him, actually. I was taking over his position in a restaurant. He didn't see me as I was standing on the sidewalk looking in from the front window of the restaurant/hotel. Newlyweds had been seated for an early reservation. His eyes twinkled and I could see that through a window while he was wearing glasses. My entire world came to a halt. There were no sounds, no people, no cars; only him, and he was doing something he does very well. Being great at what you do is a kink. Loving what you do as well - ooooh. As the world began moving again, I went for sushi and realized I couldn't get him out of my mind.

We finally trained together and it was magical, as though we were meant to be. We work seamlessly with one another, still. After service drinks and conversation, we fell into an intimacy that felt as though we had known each other longer than forever. He was driving me home after work, my driveway was literally off an S curve in a passing lane going up a mountain. Called it my batcave driveway. I said "this is me" and he pulled in, quickly shoved the car in park, grabbed me, and kissed me. My toes curled. I melted into one of the most fervent and passionate kisses of my life.*

Another coming the New Year's Eve after a second, shorter, time of separation. (Being together was not easy) My world turned gray for the time we were apart and one who noticed most was my executive Chef. We practically worked face to face. There had been no dancing, singing, or laughing from me for weeks. I didn't realize it but my kitchen did, especially Chef. Midnight rolled around and I looked at the most peculiar, beautiful, expression before turning around and seeing the man who chose me, and continues to do so. That kiss had me lifted off the floor. If there's a feeling for wings coming back and unfurling, that would be it.

No matter who comes and goes; no matter that I do, indeed, have a demisexual soul and polyamorous heart; no matter that I have deep seeded trauma(s) and mechanisms to go with the instances I won't speak of; no matter how many times I have been used/hurt/harmed; no matter how empty it feels to have the parents, past, and memories I do; one person does, and continues to, love me. He says he isn't going anywhere, and yes, after 16 years I still ask earnestly and still get scared, yet he does not waiver. He helps me love myself as myself and loves me for me, as I love him for all that he was, is, and will be. Friendship is the foundation, respect and love keep it together, communication and understanding help us soar.

feralchaton

*8 years later, telling the story of how I said "this is me" he says, Babe, you said kiss me. So happy he misheard what I said and listened to our hearts instead.

[daisychain-productions]

Mango Mice

I've always had a hard time finding where I fit in relationships.

(content warning: mentions of drug use, sexual abuse, religious trauma)

My mother was months away from her 19th birthday when I was born, and since I can remember she's always told me that she never wanted children. She wanted to travel the world and explore her place in it. Her husband wanted 5 children, and the joke was always "we compromised and had 4". So they did, and from the moment my first sister was born I was never an individual again, I was part of a unit. As my mother had the rest of her children I was expected to put their needs before even my own. I had to be an example, and a guiding hand for the little nuggets in my life, and I learned to teach and protect them with a ferocity that I hold to this day.

Growing up in the church did not help. I learned very quickly that even the needs of a complete stranger were expected to be prioritized above mine. I was lead to believe that my value in this world came only from my relationship with God. The church also created a lot of shame surrounding sexuality as a young woman, shame around curiosity, shame around pleasure, attraction and desire. The man identified as my father devoted every waking hour of my adolescence to making sure that I remained pure and virtuous.

Growing up with unbridled access to the internet was the only real resource I had to learn and explore what it meant to experience any sort of sexuality. It was not safe, I made choices that had ramifications that I didn't understand as a young teen, and due to the lack of education I had to learn the hard way how to make myself safe. During this process I watched my mother be "a good Christian wife" and put her husband second only to god. I learned to hide what sexuality I did experience in fear of the judgment of god, my parents, the church and my own peers.

Being a girl was hard, especially coming from such a sheltered environment, so I found comfort on this very website, where I learned about k*nk, queer identity, sexual expression and non-monogamy. In my real life I was awkward, boys didn't acknowledge me, and when they did my parents would retaliate in the tune of "they just want to use you for their own ungodly desires". I felt undesirable, unpretty, ashamed and confused by my own feelings of desire as I dove deeper into my own experience of sex and sexuality. I developed crushes and spent time watching other girls get attention I longed for while I floated along completely vulnerable due to my naivety.

I was so excited when I finally started dating my first boyfriend. I had read so many books with such lovely relationships that I idealized, and I knew I wanted somebody to love me the way they did in my stories. He didn't, and by the end of summer break we had broken up. I was devastated, I wanted so badly to be loved and cherished by someone and I did not understand what I had done "wrong" for him to leave me. So I worked harder. With each partner I had I loved more ferociously, giving more and more of myself each time, putting them before myself and praying that they loved me enough to stay.

When I finally came to terms with my sexuality as a bisexual person I started exploring more fervently. I hid my first queer relationship from my parents in fear that they would hurt me for being who I am. They did. When they found out about my partner they asked me to make a choice, either leave them or face consequences. At this point in my life I had come to the conclusion that I would no longer be compromising who I am or what I believe for anybody, and so I left my family home in the middle of the night at the ripe old age of 17. It was devastating. I felt I was abandoning my baby sisters, and it felt selfish.

It was difficult to not understand queer relationships and be in one while I was going through such a complex part of my life with only my friends and the internet to guide me. I learned very soon that queer relationships can be just as unsafe as hetero ones, with substance use, manipulation and sexual abuse. Because I had never been taught about any of those things and how to navigate them safely I did not even understand what was happening until very much after the relationship, when I was hurt by a very dear friend who did something unspeakable to me.

Although my naivety did put me in harms way in that relationship, this person also introduced me to a part of myself that I have since come to accept, love and protect. They were the first person in my actual real life to encourage me to explore the things about myself that I had learned to be ashamed of through my family and the church. We explored k*nk dynamic, my sexual identity, and my gender expression along side the concept of non-monogamy. Do not be mislead, the context of the situation was decidedly unhealthy. However I will never be ungrateful for the space I was given to learn about myself and what I believe about relationships.

Non-monogamy became an integral part of who I am and what I believe about relationships. I came to believe that it was incredibly unjust to expect any one person to be everything you need, and that it is completely natural to respect the individual context of each relationship and its natural progression. I unlearned the ideals taught to me through my family and the church and taught myself to see the people I had relationships with as whole and complete individuals outside my relationships with them. This taught me in turn to perceive myself as a whole and complete individual outside of my relationships with others.

I came to accept the parts of myself that made me feel ashamed though the context of how I now perceive relationships. I learned about who I am on a fundamental level and how to protect and advocate for that person in a way that no longer felt selfish. I taught myself to love who I am and protect it with the same ferocity that I loved others. This did not make relationships easier for me. I spent a lot of time trying to find people who would love me in the way I had come to believe I deserved. Unfortunately not everyone I love had the same perspectives of love and relationships that I have come to believe in.

I felt lonely and discouraged for a very long time, and some of the behaviors that I had learned in my early life were harder to kick than others. I continued to give love with reckless abandon to the people I had in my life and more than once I found myself losing who I am to these relationships in fear of losing the ones I love. Pouring from an empty cup proved itself to be unsustainable, but now that I knew who I was and what wanted and needed from my relationships I could advocate for myself in an authentic way.

When I started seeing my now husband my ex-fiancé and I were still pursuing a romantic relationship. I felt that I had finally found another person that saw who I was and not only accepted it, but loved me for it. It was incredibly fulfilling to experience authentic connection without fear of judgment. It was beautiful and every day I love him more and more. Unfortunately while this relationship grew, my now ex-fiancé and I learned that we could not give each other the future we wanted together, and we decided that with much love it was time our relationship evolved once again. We are still very important and loved in each others lives, however we are no longer romantically involved in each others lives.

As my now husband and I grew in our relationship together we decided to get married. I had always had an incredible apprehension to the concept of marriage as I had witnessed what it had done to my mother and other women in my life, and I was not sure how my perspective on love and relationships would translate. However I have always wanted to be a mother, and through my own self actualization I had decided that the man I wanted to be the father of my children would be my husband. So we had a small intimate ceremony in the park where we had had our first kiss 8 years prior. I am not ashamed to admit that I had unfortunately fallen back into the habits that had jeopardized my sense of self in so many of my relationships before.

My husband was not well, physically or mentally. I took on an intense caregiver role in his life that made me feel unseen and I lost myself to that. I have always fallen into this role so naturally that I did not realize until it was putting our relationship in jeopardy. When I made an effort to advocate for myself in regards to my own desires and needs in the relationship things began to unravel. We both realized that our expectations after marriage had not been communicated clearly, as I had been lead to believe that the way I interact with my exterior relationships would be honored, and he had been lead to believe that I would no longer be engaging with the lifestyle that i had built myself.

Unfortunately we have had to take some time apart to heal and learn so that this can build a fulfilling life together. It was difficult to have to put what we need before what we want, as he is now in another province seeking the help he needs with people who have the resources to help him get to a place of wellness and self actualization. Its not easy to have him so far from me, but our relationship had been devolving into fight after fight about his mental health and my lifestyle to the point where I was beginning to feel unsafe in a way I hadn't since i was a child being restricted by the man identified as my father. Its only been a week, but after sleeping with the man I love next to me every day for a year I have been struggling.

Thankfully due to my own journey of self discovery I have the opportunity to reconnect with who I am and what I believe in. This blog is a part of that journey back to myself, as a vessel for my art, my thoughts and feelings. I have people with me who know me, and see me and are willing to support me in this journey back to myself and eventually, hopefully, back to my relationship with my husband. Naturally it will not be easy, as we both have growth to pursue to be the people we want to be for each other. However with faith, trust, honesty and support I believe that we can come back together and become the family we deserve to be for each other.

I hope to write more pieces like this in the future as I introspect on my thoughts, beliefs, struggles, and the journey to becoming the version of myself that I want to see in this world. I hope that this journey inspires you to be an unapologetic version of yourself for the people you love and that love you.

[athousandmorningss]

oh man phones ruin the mystery. Please let's take time apart *not* talking. Let us be separate and private individuals before coming together.