#maria onward

[rxin3akamallory]

Self Insert Mood Boards 1

Maggie & Maria:

Makoto & Marigold:

Marjorie & Marnie:

Maeve & Machelle:

[capturingdisney]

Onward concept art by Maria Yi.

[dozydawn]

just something i’ve noticed while watching rhythmic gymnastics that bums me out... in the 80s and 90s, not all gymnasts would slick back and gel down their hair like ballroom dancers, they’ve got flyaways and frizz all over the place. maria petrova in 1994 for example:

compared to today’s poor ladies dealing with damage, traction loss, and pain from having to wear their hair so tight.

[crimewrought]

thinking about maria at around the holiday period and feeling monumentally sad

[theartofpixar]

[pumpkinpaix]

You have questions! We might have answers.

What is this collection?

As Maria puts it: this collection is a critical look at some of the things that we, the editors, think have made CQL such a hit around the world. Of course, part of that success comes from the webnovel MDZS and the show CQL themselves—we love the characters, the mystery, and the drama, who doesn’t?! However, the authors in our book also look at topics like translating danmei (both officially and unofficially), adapting danmei for new audiences, and interacting with fandoms and fanworks. The larger argument of the book is that all of these things played a huge role in CQL’s visibility and success, and we wanted to start making those moving pieces visible, especially for audiences who mainly watched CQL in translation.

You keep using the word “academic”—what does that mean, exactly? 

Maria: Ok, not to get pedantic here, but this actually touches on some things that I’m really excited about for the book. Traditionally, academic work is written by people who have a deep expertise in the subject (signified by having a PhD and doing specific kinds of research), and then the work itself is peer-reviewed (i.e., sent to other experts in the field for them to evaluate whether it’s sound, original, and interesting enough to publish, without knowing who wrote it). And both of these things are true about our book—our authors have deep knowledge and the book was peer reviewed—but also. We specifically asked for chapters from younger scholars and from fans who also have deep knowledge about topics that academia doesn’t always know or value enough, and we include an interview from the fan-translator K. who did the Exiled Rebels translation. So the hope is that: this book is academic, and also—more!

Who are you? 

Yue studies adaptation, fantasy, and popular culture texts using a feminist lens. She wrote an early, influential article about danmei adaptations and also has a book about feminist adaptations of Chinese fantasy.

Maria studies fanworks, contemporary fantasy, and genre literature. She’s scrambling to finish her dissertation right now.

How were the chapter spotlights chosen?

Voluntarily! The concept of a small social media promo was kicked around by some of the contributors and those interested in the idea filled out a short interview with what they wanted to share. We'll be posting about 2 introductions and 2 spotlights a day for the next week or so!

Who's running this social media campaign anyway?

Not the publishers! A few enthusiastic collection contributors got together and, with the assistance of the editors, have put this promotion together. We do not in any way represent Peter Lang in an official capacity! We just worked hard and wanted to share. :)

Are you making any money off of royalties from this book? 

LOL not even remotely

What about this promotion?

also no. alas

Where can I find this book? 

You can find our listing on Peter Lang’s website here. As for other retailers, a quick search should turn us up!  

How can I access this book if I cannot buy it from Peter Lang / [book retailer of choice]?

As collection editors and contributors who signed a legal agreement with Peter Lang, we have granted Peter Lang exclusive right and license to edit, adapt, publish, reproduce, distribute, display, and store our contributions, and we must cooperate fully with the Publisher if the Publisher believes a third party is infringing or is likely to infringe copyright in the contribution. 

That being said, these are academic papers, which means that contributors may make copies of the contribution for classroom teaching use! (These copies may not be included in course pack material for onward sale by libraries and institutions). Of course, any linking, collection or aggregation of chapters from the same volume is strictly prohibited.

(FAQ may be updated periodically!) (all posts on Catching Chen Qing Ling)

[omega-e123]

this is a very random piece of food that popped into my brain after watching the first shadow episode today lol. So hear me out, What if shadow in worry one day as his s/o is really sick chaos controls them into the ark while his lover is out cold. Then places his lover almost hesitantly places his lover on marias old bed due to the old medicial tech on it. Then prehaps as they sleep he starts thinking about maria and all the ways his lover is like her? Idk sounded cute in my head lol.

With the last episode out…

Him taking them on a ship, pushing back the thoughts. It’s a familiar feeling.

Maria was brought the Ark to aid her illness.. Now Shadow is bringing his loved one. Instead of taking Maria to earth, it’s the opposite in taking you to the Ark.

Why is he doing this to himself, he doesn’t know. What matters now is to get you someplace safe. Away from the stressors. Away from whatever the fuck is going on in the planet below.

Memories flash within Shadow’s mind. Those mixed with his past life and current.

Laying your unconscious body on the cold metal. The machines around Shadow a horrific reminder of the experiments done to him, but for the greater good. There should be blankets and pillows stashed somewhere. Before he leaves the room, a hand propped on the door frame as he glances at your sleeping form.

It’ll be okay.

No one is here to hurt you.

Metal against metal clanking echo in the empty halls. Halls once teething with life. The researchers.. Professor Gerald.. Maria.. His heart rate kicks up the more those images flash in his mind.

A brief look out the window to the big blue planet below. They used to watch the aurora borealis here. This was also where… he fell. Shaking his head, Shadow marches onward. It’s muscle memory carrying him towards where all the spares were stored.

Could he have chaos controlled straight to the room? Yes. However his heart and mind longed for the scenic route as much as Shadow wanted to push it back into the corner of his mind.

After taking an arm full, that’s when he decides to return to your side in a flash. Nothing’s changed.

Carefully he props a pillow under your head before slowly climbing up next to you. Your cheek, grazed by the back of his hand lends no reaction. After a long day, Shadow pulls the warm blankets over you both and he nuzzles into your side.

Hopefully he will be he first thing you’ll see when you wake up.

[velvet4510]

The implications of Rio Vidal/Death’s introduction to the MCU are enormous.

Now we know in retrospect that every single MCU character who has ever died was escorted onward by her.

So it’s not just Nicky, Sharon, Alice, and Lilia.

Abraham Erskine, Ho Yinsen, Phil Coulson, Frigga, Pietro Maximoff, Peggy Carter, Odin, Hela, Erik Killmonger, OG!Loki, OG!Gamora, Thanos, Natasha Romanoff, Tony Stark, Aunt May Parker, Jane Foster, T’Challa, Ramonda, Maria Hill … all of them saw her when their time came.

And it makes sense that Marc Spector & Steven Grant never saw her, because it was not their time yet and she knew they’d be sent back.

[rxin3akamallory]

Barley proudly showing off Maria!! X3

(He would so do that with his s/o tho!!)

[tulipfantasies]

night on the town ✩ n.romanoff

pairing; natasha romanoff x fem!reader

summary; a simple night on the town leads to the discoveration of pain and addiction.

characters; (mentions) og 6 and a woman named maria (not hill).

warnings; 16+ (just to be safe), use of alcohol and cigarettes, (mentions) underage smoking, (mentions) addiction, (mentions) natasha's past at the red room, (mild) swearing, (mild) jealous r, nat is ooc again, (minor) angst and fluff. 

my notes;  please, if any of the topics in bold make you uncomfortable or trigger you, do not read onwards. i don't want to upset anyone so consider it your warning. i don't think i like this one. can anyone spot the small pop culture reference??

word count; 2.6k ao3

A ‘simple night on the town’ turns into 1:04 am. 

The entire length of the streets of New York was bathed in a soft amber glow, all thanks to the street lights that were situated on every corner of the Avenues. 

Midtown, or at least the side you all find yourselves on, was eerily calm given the environment (and the atmosphere hidden on the inside) that was nestled amongst the usually busy streets.

No car horns were heard for miles on end.

For the middle of spring, the air was bitterly cold yet so freeing. In stark contrast to the air behind the secured doors, which was heavy and suffocating.

Tony, among one of his genius plans, had decided that you all deserved to take a break from your demanding and life-saving lives.

He described it as a ‘simple night out on the town’, but we all know that in Tony’s dictionary, that was an excuse for him to get shit-faced. 

So, naturally, you all tagged along to keep him out of trouble and to have a little fun yourselves.

Who could pass up a free drink and the chance to unwind anyway?

Now, none of the team members that tagged along were anywhere in sight except for those who were strictly keeping sober or physically couldn’t get drunk.

The sensible ones.

The only remaining ones were around the table in the VIP booth that Tony rented in the club.

2:45 am.

It’s been 1 hour and 41 minutes since you last saw her dancing with some brunette, who has definitely drunk more than the legal requirement.

Desperate.

1 hour and 41 minutes of scanning through the hot and heavy crowd in search of a single sign that she was still dancing with the brunette or getting another drink at the bar.

None. 

“Y/n? Where are you going?” Steve’s voice calls out over the booming music as he watches you snatch your phone from off the table impatiently.

“Need fresh air.” You reply hastily before throwing a small smile over your shoulder and in his direction.

“She’s going to find Nat,” Clint’s voice could just about be heard over the music as he was talking to Steve and you were walking further away. “Like always.”

The music was practically deafening to the ears; the last thing on a drunken mind was the volume of the music.

Sex and more alcohol always are. 

You were just silently thanking yourself that you had entered the club with a lot more self-control and had only ended up getting tipsy this time around.

Unlike Tony who was completely shit-faced.

Pushing through the thick sea of plastered couples (who were dancing in a way that was even too much for you) was a task in itself but you finally managed to reach the front doors to the club.

Soft, yet bright, light was emitted in your direction causing you to wince. 

You let out a large sigh of relief the further away you stumble from the raging nightclub, random shot glass in hand, and into the bitter air that pierced the exposed skin on your arms and legs.

A small shiver runs down your spine.

“Fancy seeing you here,” A sultry voice brings your, slightly blurred, attention away from the empty shot glass in your hand and toward the direction where it came from.

The dimly lit alleyway. “Got tired of being in there?”

“Nat!” You exclaim in relief as you slowly make your way over toward the alleyway. “There you are, I’ve been looking for you for like the past hour.”

The closer you reach her, the more of her outline you can make out.

She’s leaning up against the masonry while nursing a half-empty bottle of tequila (or vodka, it was too dark to make it out) in one hand and a lit cigarette in between her index finger and middle finger on her other.

A dangerous combo for a dangerous woman.

“I’ve been out here the entire time, detka.”

“Oh? With that brunette who was all over you like some desperate-”

“Careful now,” She cuts your words off with a smug grin and a tsk sound. “You had a lot to drink, detka?”

“Uh, yeah, a few but I’m not drunk like Tony.” You reply as you make a move to lean up against the wall opposite to her.

No other words were spoken as she raised the cigarette to her lips to take a long drag. 

Drag after drag, she slowly puffs the lethal smoke out towards the right of her while she makes sure that not once does she take her emerald gaze from off of you.

It was an intense gaze.

“But that’s beside my point, who the hell was that brunette dancing with you?” You ask abruptly with a raised brow. She chuckles in amusement at your clear jealousy. “Because she was getting way too cosy with you.”

“No one important, just someone who drunkenly came up and started dancing with me,” Natasha replies as if it never bothered her because it didn’t bother her. “Think she said her name was Maria or something.” 

Maria. “Hm, you seemed to get pretty handsy with her, do you like her?”

“Where’s all this jealousy coming from, Y/n/n?” She asks in an amused tone which is followed by a chuckle. Oh, she was enjoying this. “To be fair, it’s amusing seeing you go all green over some random girl, especially one I don’t know or have an interest in.”

“Y’know, I’d rather not discuss it.” You say, brushing off her question and ignoring her comment as you turn to face away from her so she can’t see you roll your eyes.

There’s a pregnant pause before you clear your throat and look back toward her with a slightly softened gaze.

The cigarette remains firmly pressed in between her fingers.

“Have you always smoked?” You ask, to change the subject, as you fold your arms over your chest.

Natasha doesn't reply straight away but takes another drag.

She drops the remaining bit of her cigarette onto the ground so that she can stamp harshly on it, with the sole of her shoe, just to make sure that it’s out.

“Mhm,” she hums with a shrug of her shoulders. “Just kept it to myself, I guess.”

Taking your bottom lip in between your upper front teeth, you nervously chew on it as she leans forward to slip the shot glass from out of your hand and into hers.

Without any sounds, she lets the clear liquid trickle out of the bottle and into the shot glass before gently handing it back to you.

You bring the rim of the shot glass to your lips before knocking it back in one go. Straight tequila. 

“Oh, god, that’s tequila.” You state in a strained voice and with a noticeable grimace as the liquid burns the back of your throat.

Natasha chuckles at the sight of your grimace before smiling softly as you clear your throat. “You okay there, detka?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You reply before sighing and reaching up to give your temple a quick but firm rub. “You know smoking is bad for your lungs, right? And besides, what are you out here drinking tequila straight for?”

With her fingers curled around the neck of the tequila bottle, she brings the rim of the bottle up to her lips intending to tip it back to take another swig.

But she doesn’t. 

“You only get one chance in life, detka,” she replies nonchalantly, ignoring your second question, before finally taking a swig of the alcohol. “I’ve learnt that the hard way.”

Given what she was forced to witness and trained into doing while growing up, it made some sense for her to be wishing away her life like this.

That amount of trauma is often immovable and can only be numbed by the effects of drugs and alcohol.

The Red Room raised those girls into being their bloodthirsty puppets, the ones who were forced to believe that they had no place in the world and yet here Natasha is, with her foot in the world, throwing it all away just to numb her feelings.

You never really know what you’ve got until it's too late.

The thought of going through what she had growing up made your skin crawl.

“How long have you been smoking for?” You ask cautiously as you stare at the redhead who lets out a long sigh.

From that sigh alone, you can tell it wasn’t a habit that she had recently picked up. 

“Listen, I didn’t come out to get interrogated about my unhealthy habits, so just drop it, alright?” She defends herself before she extends the neck of the bottle back over to you.

You decline with a shake of your head.

One shot of tequila is enough. You can’t stomach anymore tonight.

“How long have you been smoking, Nat?”

She lets out a defeated sigh. “Not sure. Since I was, like, 14 or 15.”

You would say that you’re surprised to hear that she’s been smoking so young but by the looks of it, smoking has become an unhealthy coping mechanism for the shit life she’s got.

You just wish it wasn’t her that was suffering like this.

“A cigarette is the least of my worries.” She replies with a shrug before closing her eyes to relive the memory.

“They drugged me with all kinds of things in the Red Room so I added to it by stealing a cigarette from a packet in a guard’s pocket. I can still remember getting in trouble now.”

Silence comes from her end as her gaze flickers down to the squashed cigarette on the floor before glancing back up at you, who peacefully analyses her.

She can’t stop.

“And it’s turned into a habit that you now can’t break.”

“Yeah, I guess you could put it that way.” 

“Does smoking and drinking like this at least make you feel better?” You ask curiously but cautiously.

When it comes to Natasha, you have to choose your words carefully.

Natasha doesn’t let her guard down around anyone yet here she was, in a dingy alleyway, letting you see the regret and pain shining in her eyes.

No, it doesn’t.

Your heart aches for her; all the cigarettes and alcohol that she’s taken over the years (outside and inside of you knowing her) haven’t numbed the pain in the way she hoped it would.

It just put her at ease for a certain amount of time.

“Oh, Tasha.” 

She doesn’t say anything else but instead, her gaze flickers away from your eyes (which she always finds herself lost in) and down to your soft-shaped lips.

So kissable. 

She could practically taste the bitterness and sweetness of the alcohol on the tip of her tongue.

At that moment, she knew that she wanted, no, needed to kiss you more than ever. 

Without any hesitation, she takes a step toward you so she can place her hands on your hips (despite still holding onto the bottle) so she can gently tug your back away from the masonry.

Her blurry gaze rests on your lips, memorising the shape and softness of them before she dips her head down slightly.

Her lips were inches away from yours. 

“Nat-”

“-Shut up and let me kiss you.” She growled before pulling you in closer so that her hot breath was fanning against your lips. 

The moment her lips crash against yours, your hands instinctively reach up to comb through her soft red locks.

She tastes like 5 different alcohols and nicotine all in one go; normally you’re not into that but, right now, you crave her. 

You didn’t want her to break the kiss any time soon but she did and instead of moving away from you, she rested her forehead against hers.

The both of you were panting softly.

“Are you addicted to them?” You whisper as your hands drop from her hair and down to cup her rosy cheeks. “The way they make you feel numb or how they make you act?”

Her forehead drops against yours as her head hangs low and the warmth her body was radiating disappears as she takes a step back from you.

A small nod confirms everything you need to know.

She’s addicted.

She stares at you as she extends her arm out so that she can carelessly throw the empty bottle of tequila as far away from her as possible.

Your grip on your shot glass loosens so the shattering noise rippling through the alleyway increases just like the pile of glass shards.

“I–I don’t know how to stop.” 

The alcohol in her system has weakened the walls she put up for her protection to the point where they were trembling.

“You’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.”

You take a short step toward her to go back to gently cupping her cheeks in your soft hands.

She leans into your touch as a thick singular tear rolls down her cheek. 

Here she was, standing in front of you, looking vulnerable and broken. And boy, did the people of her past break her.

“I want to stop. I do but I can’t.” She admits in a soft tone as if she is worried about other people hearing her. “I’ve tried so many times.”

The glass shards crunch under your footing as you drop your touch on her cheeks to wrap your arms around her torso.

She instantly wraps her arms around you in return. 

“I promise you, I am going to help you out of this.” You whisper your promise as she buries her head into the crook of your neck.

You’re wearing the perfume that drives her crazy.

It felt as if your promise was empty but the determination flooding through your system tells you that you will not let it be empty.

You are going to help her through this, like it or not.

“Let’s go get some water so we can sober up, yeah?” You whisper as she pulls away to give you a nod of agreement. “You’re stuck with me, now, Nat.”

“There’s no one I would rather be stuck with, detka.” She whispers back as she slips her hand in between yours to squeeze it before following as you both sluggishly walk out of the alleyway.

The alleyway that you stood in, kissed in and where she bit the bullet and admitted defeat. 

The streets remain silent as the two of you stumble down them, hand in hand.

The bitter air no longer bothered you or the exposed skin that you were showing, not when you were wrapped underneath Natasha’s arm. 

“Thank you,” She says, after silence, as you two stumble onto the corner of the street to call a taxi. Thankfully there was one in the distance. “For not judging me and sticking by me. Even in my darkest times.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Natasha.” You reply as a taxi pulls up in front of you. You both climb in and mutter your destination to the driver before you turn back to look at her. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, because I’d do anything for the people that I love. And it’s safe to say that I’m in love with you.”

She smiles softly at your, slightly drunken, confession before bringing your hand up to her lips so she can press a soft kiss on the inside of your wrist and then against your palm. 

“I love you too, detka,” she whispers as she moves her head to catch your lips in for a sweet but short-lived kiss. “More than anything in this world. I love you.”

[herejusttosufferalong]

Part 3: re: New Speculation that L&N have been together since Toronto

Pattern of L’s and N’s circle of friends

“9) N and N friend group posts including JD – I will post this analysis separately of a pattern that I’m seeing. Pattern is the posts from her side coincided with posts on his side (as in they happen in a specific cluster of days). Almost as if N knows something from his side will be posted and she a) has to distract herself b) distract the fans so that whatever L posts don’t get that much of a backlash c) has to send a secret message to L that she’s doing fine and she’s still 💯 in”

I think part of her secret code to L is as long as she’s wearing her claddagh ring, she’s still in. I don’t know what L’s secret code is - I think it’s as long as he’s on lifeguard duty, he’s still in 😂

I’m sure there are loads that I missed. I kept the IG posts from N to Bridgerton unless it’s really newsworthy or quite anticipated by fans. These are just from the pap walk onwards.  I also included some posts from outside sources because of speculations that they might be coming from their team to further the goal that they are working on. Which makes me think (and this is going to be an unpopular opinion) that N may have a hand on DM posts of her and JD (me: hides behind a door).

I might really be reaching here -- deep in my delulu seeing patterns when they don’t exist – but listed out like this almost seems like there is a back and forth between their groups and what gets out publicly.

Aug 8th

L – Bridgerton press tour bloopers

N – Choose Love, political posts

A – Soho with friends

Aug 2nd 

T posts Italy recap video

Aug 1st

N – Tatcha, skin care routine (self care)

A/R/S/T/C – various photos, stories, videos from Italy trip

July 31st

BG – Italy SM posts

Jul 30th

A/R/S/T/C – various photos, stories, videos from Italy trip

PM – Italy article

Jul 29th

A/R/S/T/C – various photos, stories, videos from Italy trip

“Pap” Maria – videos of lifeguard Luke

DM – Italy story

N and friends – JR birthday

Jul 26th             

N – Dr. Who, CAA announcement

A – TT dance (Chris Brown)

DM – N/JD and L/A posts

L – unliking HBS IG posts

Jul 24th

N/LH/SMcS – IG stories of nightout; N’s new polaroid

DM – N/JD speculations; belated L/A spotted in Brighton Soho

Jul 23rd

A Fan account – posts of 20 somethings that L followed during HBS 2023

A – story, rehearsal for Lettuce dance

Jul 22nd

R/S/T/C – Brighton Soho for T’s birthday (not confirmed if L and A were there)

Jul 20th

A – Latergram LA photos

DM – 2nd pub shot with N/JD featured in DM

Jul 17th

A – story with Theo; TT dance (Apple)

Jul 16th

N – Polin team, NC last day of filming, Top 6 post

Jul 15th

A - Latergram LA photos

Jul 14th

JD/JR/LF – Football match (speculations N was there)

Other Sources - L/R/JV Football match (can’t confirm if A was there)

Jul 13th

N with Mum – Wimbledon with launch of new polaroid (L’s groomer did her hair)

L – Carla’s wedding (can’t confirm if A was there)

A – IG story of her made up face (looked like she’s going out, maybe implying she’s going to the wedding)

Jul 12th

DM – 1st pub shot with N/JD featured in DM

Jul 11th

A – Football story (with JV and R, can’t confirm if L was there)

A – TT late LA post (Good luck Babe)

Jul 9th

N – NC last day of filming, Top 8 post

Jul 6th

L – GQ Heroes dump

JD – story in N’s apartment

Jul 4th

N – BTS, entering Top 10; Independence Day Binge

A – TT late LA post (Million Dollar Baby)

Jul 3rd to 5th

R/S/Other Sources – photos and videos from GQ Heroes

Jul 1st

L – La La Land

From other sources – PR birthday, pool pics, 1st lifeguard duty

JD – People Places Things play date

Jun 28th

L – Laterals BTS

N – Shoes…more shoes release

A – TT GRWM post (Birds of a Feather)

Jun 27th

Other Sources – Galway video and photos (I don’t recall L or N reposting these in their own SM accounts)

Jun 25th

JD – hanging out in the park; N’s bag featured

Jun 24th – 30th (approx.)

L and A in LA (ugh)

A – LA hotel story

From other sources – PR birthday, pool pics

Jun 23rd

Other sources – more Loewe photos and videos, L supporting JB cause

L – Loewe IG stories

JVN – IG grid post, 6th slide “I hope you let them” – I think this is JVN message to N

Jun 22nd

N – wedding transformation

L – Loewe story teaser

Jun 21st

N/JVN – Taylor Swift with M and CW

Jun 20th

N – Wedding Dance

L – Fallon guest spot, photos and video

Jun 18th

N – wedding BTS

Jun 17th

L&N - really early in the morning GMT time, Washington Posts IG stories and posts

N – SKIMS campaign

L – L and Corey in Milan

A – Milan IG stories

Jun 16th

N – London Premiere photos; SATC TT; “Bridgertons” story

From other sources – more Milan videos and photos including at least 3 occasions with A in them

Jun 15th

L – Milan/D&G photos

N – Boob cake story (with JD, CW, and others); Tatcha post end of promo (self-care)

Jun 14th

N – TFMT table read; pre-premiere pics

Jun 13th

DM/PM pap walk photos

N – the furniture they broke

L – feel like celebrating, Men’s Health, London Premiere BV photos

holy shit anon

[sgiandubh]

This what I mean 👇🏻

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3518505943900484/

Dear (returning) Bitchy Anon,

I wrote this answer yesterday, but I am posting it today, because I did not want to give you any satisfaction. Your coming back in here proves there is not an ounce of humanity left in you: just a #silly obsession for an actress who does not even know or care you exist. I promise you she doesn't. Confidently so.

But then, onwards to your 'evidence'.

You thought you would give me the creeps on Christmas Day with a controversial picture allegedly taken at the Weinstein (yes, that Weinstein!) and Netflix Golden Globes afterparty, on January 8, 2017?

No, seriously now: you actually did?

Crikey. As we say in Romanian (and yes, it is very rude, but also dementedly funny): mi se umple fundul de lacrimi/my arse is in tears. Perhaps the equivalent of I don't give a flying fuck, btw.

If you did read me before posting your laughable shite, and I think you did, you should know by now how I usually work, at least for those things I choose to make public (the rest is none of your business, I am afraid). You found this pic on Pinterest, originating from a Tumblr blog: @clairebeauchampfan. Since this person started blogging one year later than the moment this picture was taken, she probably found it chez Contemplating Outlander. You know, that pseudo-social scientist-cum-shrink, who thinks people are machines and adds a shitload of footnotes to her rantings, because she truly believes it makes her biased crap more credible (it doesn't, and this comes from an academic researcher: it is legit pathetic). So Claire Beauchamp Fan shared it and forgive me, but I did not bother finding her post, I just looked for her source (*urv's fetish):

This took me to CO's really nasty blog and you could have spared me that ordeal, Anon: it's literally akin to severe constipation. And then, onwards to Instagram:

A further search revealed she was wearing a Romanian designer (Maria Lucia Hohan) dress and Amrapali earrings. And then, I read the comments on that Insta post. Maybe you'd read them too, they are enlightening - for someone who's 'been around since 2015', people are rather confused about his real status in her life, don't you think?

But Internet is really forever, no matter how you try to hide your trash, Anon. Here is a copy of O'Callaghan's post which was, indeed, deleted: maybe *urv was too insistent? It wouldn't surprise me:

She should have won the Golden Globe in 2017, that's true. And it was S, not McIdiot, the one who told the Internet she should have won all those prizes, if memory serves. How odd McIdiot is never mentioned in that particular post (y'all would have paraded it for YEARS, if it were so) - but household staff, no matter how promoted, never really is. And before you screech, tell all the damn truth Anon, and put this pic in its right context:

How odd the 'successful music producer and entrepreneur' (he is not successful, nor a music producer and much less an entrepreneur) was not tagged, by someone who is active in the industry, who clearly knows C and who attended that Golden Globes gala!

Just a last word on that pic. C was obviously smiling and talking animatedly with O'Callaghan and then McIdiot (who looks malnourished - but hey, humble beginnings, eh?) got dragged in the middle, for the convenient pic. I sometimes wonder what kind of social life you people have and sadly, I have to say - next to 0, for some of you. I never fuck the dozens of men with whom I do have similar 'just because' pics, interrupting my conversation in the middle of an event.

Also, check this very warm & fuzzy pic with one prominent member of her own, personal and very, very gay Circle of Trust. Because I am sorry, but what straight man wears lipstick, as McIdiot clearly does (and no, it's not because they were smooching in the lavatories, what are you, 14?):

She looks happy, doesn't she?

I mean: really, honey. Get a Real Life and stop trying to persuade me with ye olde Pinterest pics you clearly are completely clueless about, ok?

And before you open your mouth to vomit CO's trash again, please carefully do your homework about McIdiot. But as carefully as I did. Then you can talk, share your interesting findings. Merry Christmas and....

[lukolabrainrot]

Part 3: re: New Speculation that L&N have been together since Toronto

Pattern of L’s and N’s circle of friends

“9) N and N friend group posts including JD – I will post this analysis separately of a pattern that I’m seeing. Pattern is the posts from her side coincided with posts on his side (as in they happen in a specific cluster of days). Almost as if N knows something from his side will be posted and she a) has to distract herself b) distract the fans so that whatever L posts don’t get that much of a backlash c) has to send a secret message to L that she’s doing fine and she’s still 💯 in”

I think part of her secret code to L is as long as she’s wearing her claddagh ring, she’s still in. Even if she bought the ring herself to celebrate S3 success, I doubt that she will wear it all the time if it gives her bittersweet memories – I think she wears it to hold on to loving memories from Ireland. I don’t know what L’s secret code is - I think it’s as long as he’s on lifeguard duty, he’s still in 😂

I’m sure there are loads that I missed. I kept the IG posts from N to Bridgerton unless it’s really newsworthy or quite anticipated by fans. These are just from the pap walk onwards.  I also included some posts from outside sources because of speculations that they might be coming from their team to further the goal that they are working on. Which makes me think (and this is going to be an unpopular opinion) that N may have a hand on DM posts of her and JD (me: hides behind a door).

I might really be reaching here -- deep in my delulu seeing patterns when they don’t exist – but listed out like this almost seems like there is a back and forth between their groups and what gets out publicly.

Aug 8th

L – Bridgerton press tour bloopers

N – Choose Love, political posts

A – Soho with friends

Aug 2nd 

T posts Italy recap video

Aug 1st

N – Tatcha, skin care routine (self care)

A/R/S/T/C – various photos, stories, videos from Italy trip

July 31st

BG – Italy SM posts

Jul 30th

A/R/S/T/C – various photos, stories, videos from Italy trip

PM – Italy article

Jul 29th

A/R/S/T/C – various photos, stories, videos from Italy trip

“Pap” Maria – videos of lifeguard Luke

DM – Italy story

N and friends – JR birthday

Jul 26th             

N – Dr. Who, CAA announcement

A – TT dance (Chris Brown)

DM – N/JD and L/A posts

L – unliking HBS IG posts

Jul 24th

N/LH/SMcS – IG stories of nightout; N’s new polaroid

DM – N/JD speculations; belated L/A spotted in Brighton Soho

Jul 23rd

A Fan account – posts of 20 somethings that L followed during HBS 2023

A – story, rehearsal for Lettuce dance

Jul 22nd

R/S/T/C – Brighton Soho for T’s birthday (not confirmed if L and A were there)

Jul 20th

A – Latergram LA photos

DM – 2nd pub shot with N/JD featured in DM

Jul 17th

A – story with Theo; TT dance (Apple)

Jul 16th

N – Polin team, NC last day of filming, Top 6 post

Jul 15th

A - Latergram LA photos

Jul 14th

JD/JR/LF – Football match (speculations N was there)

Other Sources - L/R/JV Football match (can’t confirm if A was there)

Jul 13th

N with Mum – Wimbledon with launch of new polaroid (L’s groomer did her hair)

L – Carla’s wedding (can’t confirm if A was there)

A – IG story of her made up face (looked like she’s going out, maybe implying she’s going to the wedding)

Jul 12th

DM – 1st pub shot with N/JD featured in DM

Jul 11th

A – Football story (with JV and R, can’t confirm if L was there)

A – TT late LA post (Good luck Babe)

Jul 9th

N – NC last day of filming, Top 8 post

Jul 6th

L – GQ Heroes dump

JD – story in N’s apartment

Jul 4th

N – BTS, entering Top 10; Independence Day Binge

A – TT late LA post (Million Dollar Baby)

Jul 3rd to 5th

R/S/Other Sources – photos and videos from GQ Heroes

Jul 1st

L – La La Land

From other sources – PR birthday, pool pics, 1st lifeguard duty

JD – People Places Things play date

Jun 28th

L – Laterals BTS

N – Shoes…more shoes release

A – TT GRWM post (Birds of a Feather)

Jun 27th

Other Sources – Galway video and photos (I don’t recall L or N reposting these in their own SM accounts)

Jun 25th

JD – hanging out in the park; N’s bag featured

Jun 24th – 30th (approx.)

L and A in LA (ugh)

A – LA hotel story

From other sources – PR birthday, pool pics

Jun 23rd

Other sources – more Loewe photos and videos, L supporting JB cause

L – Loewe IG stories

JVN – IG grid post, 6th slide “I hope you let them” – I think this is JVN message to N

Jun 22nd

N – wedding transformation

L – Loewe story teaser

Jun 21st

N/JVN – Taylor Swift with M and CW

Jun 20th

N – Wedding Dance

L – Fallon guest spot, photos and video

Jun 18th

N – wedding BTS

Jun 17th

L&N - really early in the morning GMT time, Washington Posts IG stories and posts

N – SKIMS campaign

L – L and Corey in Milan

A – Milan IG stories

Jun 16th

N – London Premiere photos; SATC TT; “Bridgertons” story

From other sources – more Milan videos and photos including at least 3 occasions with A in them

Jun 15th

L – Milan/D&G photos

N – Boob cake story (with JD, CW, and others); Tatcha post end of promo (self-care)

Jun 14th

N – TFMT table read; pre-premiere pics

Jun 13th

DM/PM pap walk photos

N – the furniture they broke

L – feel like celebrating, Men’s Health, London Premiere BV photos

.

[eusuntgratie]

wip wednesday on thursday bc i do what i want 😘

haven't shared in a while bc i haven't had time to write but i appreciate all the tags so i'm gonna share a few little snippets of a few things i'm working on. tags below the cut!

guess who tripped and fell into a new fandom? oops. y'all gotta scroll past some 🏳️‍🌈👽 before you get to any rwrb-adjacent words 😏

malex bartender au (roswell new mexico) - hopefully posting soon!

Alex is covering the bar for Maria when he gets stuck, bottle of tequila hovering in between the bar and the glass he’s supposed to be pouring it in. He works hard not to notice people, notice men, but the most beautiful man he’s ever seen is walking into the bar and it's impossible to look away.

malexa 2x06 canon divergence, starting with maria waking up the next morning

Maria wakes up with a crick in her neck. One of her arms is asleep and she’s got a pleasant ache in her thighs.  She's warm, and the bone-deep fear that's been trying to suffocate her for weeks has abated. She takes a deep breath and keeps her eyes squeezed shut when she remembers why.

me? already writing rpf from my new fandom? GASP! please pretend to be shocked - vlamburn + a third i can't decide if i want to keep mysterious or not bc everyone who reads them would know who she is anyway i think?

“Kiss him,” she tells Michael, who finally tears his gaze from Tyler’s face to ask, “why?”.  “Because I wanna see.”  She nods and smiles when Tyler searches her face, looking a little panicked. But then Michael is leaning in close, wrapping his big hand around Tyler’s pretty neck and pulling him in and kissing him like he’s starving for it. Tyler moans and she’s so fucking wet she could shove Tyler out of the way and sit on Michael’s dick right here in front of him, but she keeps still, and watches. The way Michael pulls him closer, the way Tyler’s fingers twitch near his waist.

a little cuck fic update (sensing a pattern? don't worry about it) - taynick, disaster verse

Nick catches himself leaning forward, trying to chase Taylor’s mouth and his touch. He hears a sharp, “stay,” that rocks all the way through him and he slams himself back in the chair. He gets a barely perceptible nod for his efforts. He tries not to think about what he could do to elicit a bigger reaction. He drags in a breath and refocuses on Taylor. At a small gesture Nick barely notices, Taylor bends over the bed again. He is so fucking beautiful. Nick’s not sure he’s ever had the chance to just take him in like this. He’s always so desperate to get his hands on him when they’re alone.

alright that's enough snippets... hopefully i'll be able to get some things finished in the next few months! i miss writing! let me know what you think; i need all the motivation i can get.

thank you for the tags sunday and wednesday!

@catdadacd @firstprincehornyramblings @thesleepyskipper @basil-bird @sparklepocalypse

@thinkof-england @taste-thewaste

tagging @lostcol @bigassbowlingballhead @onward--upward for alien reasons 😘🛸

[signorinaclaudiacardinale]

Hey! 👋 I was wondering if you know where I could find a list of which of Claudia's films she wasn't dubbed in? I feel like every time I look one up it turns out she was dubbed and I want to hear her real voice!! 😂

Hello! Thank you very much for asking 😊 I actually looked for a specific list but there is none on the net, but since I saw most of her films I put the list here.

Note: In her first appearances in Italian films, Claudia had few lines but they always had to dub her because she still had a French accent.

List of films with CC's own voice:

1.- Upstairs and downstairs (1959)

British film directed by Ralph Thomas, her appearance is short, she plays an Italian called Maria.

2.- Les Lions Sônt Làches (1961)

Here Claudia was in all her glory and was her first film as the protagonist. French film directed by Henri Verneuil, Claudia played the Parisian Albertine Ferran and we can hear her with her own voice.

3.- Cartouche (1962)

French film directed by Philippe de Broca and again Claudia in all her glory plays Venus in her own voice.

4.- 8 1/2 (1963)

Italian film directed by Federico Fellini and by his orders he wanted Claudia's natural voice without dubbing, in fact, Claudia plays herself. It is Claudia's first Italian film where her voice is not dubbed.

5.- La ragazza di Bube (1964)

Italian film directed by Luigi Comencini, it was a great success in Japan. Claudia plays Mara Castellucci.

6.- Circus World (1964)

American film directed by Henry Hathaway. Claudia plays Toni Alfredo.

7.- Gli indifferenti (1964)

Italian film directed by Francesco Maselli, script by Alberto Moravia. Claudia plays Carla.

8.- Il Magnifico Cornuto (1964)

Italian film directed by Antonio Pietrangeli. Claudia plays Maria Grazia.

9.- Sandra (1965)

Italian film directed by Luchino Visconti. CC plays Sandra Dawdson.

10.- Blindfold (1966)

American film directed by Philip Dunne. CC plays Vicky Vincenti, an Italian showgirl.

11.- Lost Command (1966)

American film directed by Mark Robson. CC plays Aicha Mahidi.

12.- The Professionals (1966)

American film directed by Richard Brooks. CC plays Maria Grant.

13.- The Queens (1966)

Scene from 'Le Fate: Armenia', directed by Mario Monicelli. CC plays Armenia.

14.- Una Rosa Per Tutti (1966)

Italian film shot in Brazil, directed by Franco Rossi. CC plays Rosa.

15.- Don't Make Waves (1968)

American film directed by Alexander Mackendrick. CC plays Laura Califatti.

16.- A Fine Pair (1968)

Italian-American film directed by Francesco Maselli. CC plays Esmeralda Marini.

Here is a forum where they discuss about CC's dubbing in "Once Upon a Time in the West" (1968 directed by Sergio Leone) and I can personally say that it is not CC's voice, Leone shouldn't have dubbed her 😐.

From the 70's onwards, CC's movies are with her original voice. All these movies can be found on VK or OK.RU.

[thetriumphantpanda]

Ghost of You | J. Miller (Chapter Four)

Series Summary / Grief is a strange thing. In the beginning it had been all-consuming. There wasn’t a moment of the day where you didn’t cry, didn’t ask yourself why it couldn’t have been you instead. And no-one ever explains the guilt you feel when it isn’t anymore. When it’s just a dull ache and you can finally breathe again, when you can start letting people get close to you again. People like Joel Miller. 

Pairing / Joel Miller x Widow F!Reader

Word Count / 4K

Warnings / Descriptions of grief and depression, a therapy session, some Ellie/Reader fluff but nothing else - let me know if I've missed anything!

Authors Note / You know when I said this would be slow burn? I really meant it. I really hope you guys aren't getting bored but I promise things are going to heat up from Chapter 5 onwards 👀 Thank you once again for all your love on this series - I say it every time but it's really close to my heart and to know you guys are enjoying it really does mean the world! If you like this then please considering reblogging, leaving comments or popping into my ask box with some love! I love y'all!

Series Masterlist / Main Masterlist

You never thought you’d be the kind of person who needed a therapist. Even when your parents had passed in quick succession before the outbreak you’d managed to carry on with the distraction of normal life, processing your grief quickly, distracting yourself with finishing school and applying for college. Even now, when you thought back to them, it was with fond memories. Nowhere near the level of grief you had now after losing Mark. 

Maybe it was the change in the world or the fact that Mark had been a part of your life longer than your parents had? You didn’t really know. Maria had suggested that trying to unpack your feelings with a therapist would be beneficial for you, someone neutral who could help you back to the person you’d been before he’d died. It had been six months since you first sat in this chair, the same feeling of anxiety you had then was apparent now, as Belinda poured you a glass of water and situated a box of tissues on the table, you took one, knowing you’d need it like you always did. 

“So, how are you?” She asks, settling down in the chair opposite you with her notepad resting on her crossed knee. 

“I’m okay.” You say simply. 

This is a rehearsed response. You always say it. Because if you needed a therapist, were you ever okay? 

Belinda nods like she always did, “I wanted to start today by revisiting what we spoke about last time,” Her voice is high and sweet and she’s at least twenty years older than you, “Remember we spoke about doing something to push yourself out of your comfort zone?” She asks, and you nod, “Did you do anything since our last session to work on that?” 

You take a deep breath; how much should you tell her? 

“I have, yeah.” 

“That’s good,” She praises, a genuine smile on her mouth, “Can you tell me about it?” 

“I went to The Tipsy Bison last week.” Is all you offer her. 

“With Tommy and Maria?” 

You nod, “And his brother and the little girl he’s got.” 

She quirks her eyebrow a little, if you hadn’t been paying close attention to her face you would have missed it, “And would you say Tommy’s brother is a friend?” 

You shrug, “I don’t know, I guess so, he came around a few weeks ago and fixed my porch step and he’s helping to build the table and chairs that Mark was going to do before he got sick.” 

“Do you talk to him about Mark?” 

“We’ve spoken a little about him, he actually lost his own daughter on outbreak day, so I guess I feel like he understands what I’m going through.” 

She nods, “Let’s go back a bit and talk about going to the bar,” She writes something down on her notepad, you never really know what it is she’s writing, “Was it as bad as you had expected?” 

You look down at your hands, scrunched tissue in one hand as your nails pick at the skin of your cuticles, “I was nervous about going, and I think I stood outside the door waiting to go in for too long, my mind was thinking of what would happen, like I would open the door and everyone would stop and go silent and just look at me, but no-one really noticed, but when we sat down to have a drink, someone said something and it kinda ruined everything.” 

“What did they say?” She pushes. 

You sigh, “That I’d made a miraculous recovery all of a sudden.” 

“And how did that make you feel?” Ah. The classic therapy question. 

You take a moment to formulate your answer in your mind, “I was angry,” You reply, “But not at the person who said it, I was angry at myself because it was true.” 

“But is it true?” Belinda pushes, “From my perspective, of course we’ve made steps since you first began coming to see me, but I don’t think either of us think you’re fully recovered, do we?” 

You shake your head to agree with her, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that sure, what was said wasn’t really true, but it’s the things they didn’t say which made me think they are,” Belinda is looking at you to continue explaining, “In the back of my mind I thought, well of course I’m recovered if I’m sat in a bar with a smile on my face, and if I can do this then why can’t I go back to work? Why can’t I start contributing to the community again? That’s what I think they’re saying in their heads about me.” 

“But you don’t know that do you?” She asks, “This is something I’ve noticed about you, that you project your own feelings onto other people, even though you have no idea what else they’re really thinking.” 

You nod because she’s not wrong, of course she’s not, “How do I stop?” You almost beg her. 

She shrugs a little, “You’ve got to stop caring about what other people think,” She says it like it’s the simplest thing to do, “Of course not the people who really matter to you, Maria, Tommy, his brother, their opinions matter, but those people who you see in passing, what they think doesn’t matter because they don’t really know you.” 

She looks briefly to her watch, “We don’t have much time left, but I’m proud of you, and if you think you’re ready to go back to work then challenge yourself, maybe ask Maria for a couple of hours a week, just to ease yourself back in, and we can talk about it a bit more next week?” You nod in agreement, “And it’s good to hear you’re making new friends too, I think Tommy’s brother might be someone to keep around if it makes you comfortable, friend’s with shared experiences can be helpful in recovery.” 

You nod in understanding and spend a few minutes agreeing on what day and time you’ll meet next week before she’s ushering you out of her office in time for her next patient. As you stand in front of her office, a thought spring to your mind. This is the first time you’ve left having not cried. The tissue is still dry in your hand, a small victory that you can hand yourself on your journey to healing. 

*

Just ten minutes later you are stood outside Maria’s house, knocking on the door. You can hear shuffling behind the door before she pulls it open, a look of shock written on her face that it’s you. 

“Is everything okay?” She asks. 

“As fine as it normally is,” You respond, “I was just coming back from Belinda’s and I wanted to ask you something.” 

“You want to come inside?” She asks, “I’ve just made coffee.” 

You gladly accept and before long you’re both sat on the couch, sipping coffee, “I think I’d like to go back to work.” You say simply before you get the opportunity to chicken out. 

She almost chokes on the coffee she’d just taken a drink of, “Are you sure?” 

“Definitely not full time,” You’re quick to add, “I just want to start with a few hours and see if I’m okay.” 

“Where’s this come from?”  You let out a sigh, “I’m fed up Maria,” You speak honestly, “Fed up of people thinking I’m useless, fed up of spending every day in the same four walls,” And then you add, “And I’m fed up of thinking that Mark would hate what I’ve become over him.” 

She pauses for a moment, “Let me speak to Kate and see if we can sort something out from next week,” She smiles, “I’m sure she’ll be grateful to have you back, she always complains that Charlotte still doesn’t understand the library system,” She puts on a poor imitation of Kate’s accent, “Jane Austen next to Philippa Gregory.” 

You both laugh and you think it’s truly the first time you’ve properly laughed in what feels like forever. You spend a little more time with her, finishing your coffee before leaving her to it and as you walk down the street towards your own home, you can’t deny that you feel a little lighter than normal. 

*

It’s Monday afternoon, one of two afternoon’s you’ve agreed to step back into the library to help. Kate had suggested it because it was the afternoon that the teacher’s brought the kids down to choose a book to take home. It would be busy enough to distract you and meant you wouldn’t spend your time sat thinking. 

You’d already helped two classes this afternoon, the last class we’re due in a few minutes, so Kate and you were enjoying a moment to sit and recuperate over a cup of tea. Well. Tea was stretching it – it was Kate’s usual concoction of boiled water and water flavourings she could get her hands on. Today it was lemon slices and honey, but it was warm and soothing so you wouldn’t complain. 

“I’m really happy to see you.” She speaks honestly, grasping at your arm to give it a squeeze, “I know this can’t have been easy, but I’ve hope we’ve not scared you off.” 

You offer a small smile, “I’ve actually enjoyed it, I guess my therapist was right when she said finding distractions would be helpful.” 

Kate is about to speak again when the library door swings open and the older children start filing in, their teacher doing his best to corral them into the middle of the room. It’s just as you remember, he tells them they’ve got fifteen minutes to browse and choose and book and once they have, they need to come to the front desk to check it out. 

You notice Ellie is part of the group, she’s hanging back, shuffling from foot-to-foot, but once her teacher lets them go, she’s just as excited as everyone else, picking up books and reading the covers. She’s one of the first to bring her choice over to the desk. You smile as you take it from her. 

“Artemis Fowl?” You grin, “Great choice, it’s really good.” You write her name in the checking-out book and then the title of the book, before writing the date three weeks from now that she needs to bring it back on the inside cover of the book.

“I didn’t know you worked here.” She comments, taking the book back from you. 

“I’m only here for two afternoons, trying to ease myself back into things, but yeah, before everything happened with Mark, this was my full-time job.” 

“I bet you’ve read everything here, right?” 

“Not quite,” You smirk, “But pretty much, if you ever want to know what else is good to read, you know where to come.” 

She smiles and says thank you and just before she turns to leave, “Say, you don’t think you could ask Joel to pop by sometime and finish up the table for me, could you?” 

She smirks, “Only if I can come so you can teach me how to make pie?” 

You hold out your hand and she takes it to shake, “You’ve got yourself a deal.” 

*

 It isn’t until Sunday that Joel and Ellie turn up at your front door. Summer really is in full swing now and it’s warm. You’ve been padding about in the garden trying to clear up, tank top now slightly sticking to your back from the thin sheen of sweat you’ve worked up and you think it’s possible the skin on your legs will be burnt when you finish up for the day. 

Joel heads straight for the back porch with his toolbox in hand, Ellie lingers at the kitchen table. 

“Do you want coffee?” You ask, tilting your head around the open back door. 

He shakes his head, “Water would be nice though.” 

You head back to the kitchen and pour three glasses of water from the jug in your fridge, adding lemon slices to give it a little flavour. Joel thanks you when you had him the glass and you smile at him before heading back to the kitchen to focus on Ellie. 

“Alright, you ready?” You ask and she nods with enthusiasm, “I tried to get apples at the market, but they were all out, so I’m afraid it’s cherries today.” 

You bring out a bowl of cherries from the fridge and put them out the counter, “The first thing we need to do is wash them and take the stones out, it’s a bit fiddly but it’s fun, I promise.” 

You rummage around in your cutlery drawer for the pair of chopsticks you know are hidden somewhere. You can almost imagine the family living in this house before the world went to shit, sitting at their table, eating Chinese food with them. God, what you wouldn’t give for fried rice right now. You had one of the sticks to Ellie once she’s washed her hands and rinsed the fruit. 

“So, you take a cherry and pull the stem off,” You do it to show her, “And then you eat the first one to make sure the fruit is okay,” You smile as you pop the cherry into your mouth, watching as she does the same, “You think they’re good?” 

She’s smiling at you, “They’re fucking great!” 

You spit the stone into your palm and put your hand near her face for her to do the same before you discard the stones in the trash bin next to you, “Okay, now we know they’re good, what you need to do is take the smaller end of the chopstick, and can you see where you pulled the stem out from?” You point to the spot on her fruit, “You just push the end through it and hopefully….” You draw out as you push your stick into the cherry between your fingers, the stone pops out through the bottom, “That will happen!” 

You watch as Ellie copies your movements, the stone popping out through the bottom of the cherry, “Does it matter that the fruit broke?” She asks, placing her destoned cherry in the bowl with your own. 

“Not at all, we’ve got to break them to eat them, right?” 

Joel is working studiously just outside the kitchen window and when you reach the last cherry in the bowl, you take it in hand, opening the window, “Hey Joel?” You call, he looks up from his work and you dangle the cherry out into the open space, he smiles as he takes it, popping it into his mouth before mirroring what you’d done, spitting the pip into his hand and slinging it over the side of your fence. 

It strikes you in this moment that being with Joel and Ellie is effortless. Although they both know what happened and a little about how you’ve delt with it, they don’t seem to judge you, neither of them look at you with sorry written in their eyes, they don’t press you to talk about things you don’t want to and they both seem genuinely interested in what you have to say, or in Ellie’s case, teach them. 

You take Ellie through the rest of the steps of preparing the fruit, drizzling them in a little honey in place of sugar, teaching her how to make the pastry, which involves more flour ending up on both of you that it does in the recipe. You let her pour the fruit into the pastry and decide which kind of top she wants on it. She’s a girl after your own heart and opts for lattice. 

Once it’s in the oven baking, Ellie sits on your couch with her book whilst you tidy up. You refill her glass of water before heading out to do the same to Joel’s. He’s almost finished with the table, just a few more planks of wood to hammer into the top and he’ll be done. 

“Thanks,” He says simply when you fill his glass, he takes it and drinks deeply, brushing his forehead for sweat, you stand with him for a while, “Ellie says she saw you at the library earlier this week, is that where you work?” He’s making polite conversation and you smile. 

“I worked there before everything happened,” You explain, “I was speaking to my therapist a few weeks ago who said she thought it would be a positive step for me, so I’m just doing two afternoons a week to ease me back in,” You refill his glass when he’s finished with it, “Baby steps and all that.” 

“S’good,” He nods, “You seem a bit happier today.” 

“I think it’s more to do with her,” You speak honestly, motioning your head inside to where Ellie is, “She’s a great kid Joel.” 

“She is,” He agrees, “I’m glad she’s finally gettin’ the chance to be a kid for a while.”

He’s finishing up with the last few bits of wood for the table, “You wanna stay for a slice of pie?” You ask, “It shouldn’t be long coming out of the oven.” 

“If it’s anythin’ like the last one then I don’t think I can say no,” He smirks, “Let me finish up here and I’ll come in.” 

“Oh no, stay out here, we need to make sure your handiwork is sturdy enough.” You give him a little wink just to play with him, before wondering whether that was too much. He doesn’t suggest it was, just beams his lovely smile at you. 

You turn on your heel and head back into the kitchen. You kneel in front of the oven, and you can see through the door that the fruit is bubbling through the lattice top and the pastry itself is looking lovely and golden. 

“Hey, Ellie, you wanna take your pie out of the oven?” You ask, she’s folding the corner of the page she’s reading and is by your side in record time. 

You hand her the oven gloves, another souvenir from whoever lived here before, it’s white, or would have been before they’d been used to death and had a pretty floral pattern on it. Not what you’d have chosen if you’d been filling your new home, but you always tried to remind yourself that beggars couldn’t be choosers in this world. 

“Careful when you open the door, it’ll be really hot.” Ellie shoots you a playful look that tells you she isn’t that dumb. 

She pulls open the door and steps back to let the steam flow out before she’s wrapping the oven gloves around the pie and putting on the stove top to cool, “As the expert,” You speak, “I have to say that looks and smells fantastic.” 

You peer out of the window; Joel is just shutting his toolbox and you watch him takes his hands a brush the tabletop of any dust and debris left over from him building it. He then takes the chairs he’d made and sets them around the table. You turn your head when he starts moving to come inside. 

“Kiddo, that looks great,” He praises Ellie, looking over her shoulder at her creation, “Let me wash my hands and we can dig in.” 

You busy yourself with grabbing some plates and forks, handing them to Ellie to take outside, whilst you take the oven gloves and take the pie outside, setting it down on the table. You stand back and look at what Joel’s made. In the old world, this would have cost you a pretty penny and you can’t help but realise how talented he is. There’s nothing to suggest that you hadn’t been down to the best furniture store and paid thousands of dollars for it. 

“I brought a knife.” Comes Joel’s voice from behind you, he’s brandishing your biggest kitchen knife and you think that in any other circumstance you’d be threatened by him, but there’s something about the goofy grin on his face that you know means that he would never hurt you. 

He gives the knife to Ellie and sits down in one of the chairs, you follow suit, taking time to warn her to be careful if she needs to touch the pie tin because it’s likely to still be hot. You catch Joel smiling at you and you know it’s because he’s her dad – whether by blood or not, you can tell that he cares deeply for her and he’s thankful, in some small way that you are too. 

Ellie cuts into the pie and struggles to get it out of the tin, the pastry below breaks and the fruit spills onto the plate that she only just manages to catch the slice on. 

“I’ll take that one,” You smile, holding out your hand for the plate, “Got to break it to eat it, right?” You echo your words from inside the kitchen earlier on. 

Once everyone has a slice on their plate and has left it to cool for long enough, you’re all digging in and you have to admit it’s just as good as the one you made yourself. 

“Maybe I should sign you up for kitchen duty,” Joel jokes as he spears another bite with his fork, “You can start earning your keep, kiddo.” 

Ellie looks disgusted at the very notion of being put to work and you all laugh together. It’s in this moment that you think to Mark. Would this have been your life if you’d been blessed with children? When you’d arrived in Jackson it had been a serious conversation. You were safe. People had been having children for months. They had a real midwife for God’s sake. The lack of children hadn’t been through lack of trying either. You remember lazy Sunday mornings wrapped up in bed together, hands raking over naked bodies, moans and praises spilled from mouths. You’d just never been blessed. You’d never talked about who might have been the problem, it didn’t matter anyway, if it couldn’t be with Mark then it wasn’t meant to be. 

And perhaps now you’re thankful. If Mark had still died, there would have been someone else to care for during your grief. A constant reminder, in the flesh, of who he was, who he’d been. You hated to think of not being able to look at your own child because they reminded you too much of your dead husband. No. Better to be alone in your grief than add that kind of complication. 

Once the slices were finished on everyone’s plate and you’d packaged two extra slices for Joel and Ellie to take home, you’re standing on your porch. Ellie is already making her way down the street, but Joel is hanging back. 

“I really don’t know how to say thank you,” You admit, “You’ve been a real lifeline since you came here so just… thank you.” 

He smiles at you, secretly wishing he could reach his hands out to touch you. He can’t remember the last time he genuinely wanted to touch someone like he wanted to touch you. He didn’t even think he had that with Tess. Sure, she’d been a comfort and he cared for her, but it had never been love. Just a means to an end, a way to ease each other’s pain for a moment. Then he caught himself. This wasn’t love either. Sure, you’d spent time together and all he really wanted to in any moment he saw you was kiss away the furrow of your brow, but he couldn’t love you. Not yet. 

“I just like helpin’ out,” He offers, quickly looking down the street to find Ellie talking to someone from school, “I like knowing it makes things easier for you, that’s all the thanks I need.” 

“Well, consider Ellie and you guests of honor when I can finally host that dinner on your handiwork.” 

He winks at you, and you think you can feel a slight flush across your cheeks, but you think if it is appearing across your skin, you can pass it off as the hear, “Consider it done, sweet pea, I’ll see you around.” 

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