Ten Hag: Anyone d-
Marcus: Depressed?
Victor: Drained?
Bruno: Dumb?
Maguire: Disliked?
Ten Hag: -done with their training... what is wrong with you people ..
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Rashford: Guys, shhhh. Do you know what that sound is?
Journalists, Pundits and Rivals: What is it?
Rashford: That was the sound of my patience shattering into a billion pieces.
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Marcus Rashford: *yawning* Can’t believe ghosts are truly real.
Trent Alexander-Arnold: Yeah, every time you yawn in October, a ghost puts their dick in your mouth
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Footballers according to tags:
1. Dele
2. Trent Alexander Arnold
3. Marcus Rashford
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Marcus: That’s ridiculous, Jesse doesn’t have a crush on me.
Paul: Yes he does.
Jesse: Yes I do.
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Jesse: You know what beans? I’m the kind of guy who likes to think things through.
Marcus: Since when? I once saw you eat a marshmallow while it was still on fire.
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Marcus: *to y/n*, How is the most beautiful person on earth doing?
Y/n: *smiles*
Jesse: I'm great, thanks.
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Marcus, about Y/n: I could fix them, but honestly whatever the hell is wrong with them is way funnier.
Jesse: That's what any god probably thinks about me.
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Jesse: You have to apologize to Marcus!
Y/n: Fine!
Y/n: Unfuck you, or whatever!
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Jesse: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Y/n, turning to Marcus: How tall are you?
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Jesse: Y/n got into a fight.
Marcus: That’s bad.
Marcus:
Marcus: Did they win?
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Jesse: *pretending to joke* So when are you going to go out with me?
Y/n: I don't know. When are you going to ask me to?
-
Marcus: And you just ran away?!
Jesse: I didn't expect them to flirt back!
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Man United fans: so what’s in store for the season?
MUFC: Disappointment
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Mason: FOUR MONTHS
Marcus: What's he yelling about?
Bruno: It's not that big of a deal
Martial: Yeah, don't worry about it
Mason: THAT'S HOW LONG YOU TWO STOOD BY AND LET ME WATER A FAKE PLANT
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Jesse Lingard: Okay, firstly, happy birthday. Secondly I didn’t quite know what chocolate you liked, so I got them all.
Marcus Rashford:
Marcus Rashford: Jesse. That’s like four hundred boxes—
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Pogba: *has Covid-19*
Rashford: *hurt... again*
Mason: *sent back home for breaking Covid rules*
Sancho: *still not at United*
Woodward: *refusing to sign the players ole needs*
Ole: Why do the football Gods hate me?
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Jesse Lingard: Everything’s going to be fine! It’s just a crush—
Marcus Rashford: Hey Jesse!
Jesse Lingard: I love you.
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Marcus Rashford: Can you do something for me?
Harry Maguire: Of course.
Marcus Rashford: ... And can you do a good job on it?
Harry Maguire: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re changing the whole deal here!
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