#many thoughts occurring these days
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what if…… I commissioned someone to draw something I can put on a custom binder (of the three ring variety)………
#captain’s own#dumb bitch hours#these are thoughts I’m having rn#I decided I want a binder so I can organize my sticker collection better#and none of the binders I’ve found are speaking to me#buuuuuut I do have some spare cash rn and I could pay someone to draw Kirk and Spock sitting on jellyfish in space#and I could put that on a binder#many thoughts occurring these days
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some misc Barn & Wally doodles from the past week or so <3 i heart them
#i read 'barnaby bites wally out of affection' exactly Once and it imprinted in my brain forever#its so damn cute... what the fuck... who authorized that....#one thing about me: yes i Will exaggerate size differences. no im Not sorry#listen one thing i love more than the big guy & their lil buddy dynamic#is big guy & their lil buddy 'rough-housing'#where it looks vicious but the big guy is actually being so so gentle and careful <3#it kills me every time!!!#AND THESE TWO ARE PERFECT FOR BOTH BABEYYYYYY#the bestiessssss themmmmm them them them#i have so many thoughts / feelings about them and many of them Directly Conflict <3#scribble salad#welcome home#wait when. when did i start drawing barnaby so damn much#every other scribble is Him#uh oh! looks like hes Blorbo!!!#anyhow sometimes i sit on doodles for Days and Days#until it occurs to me that hey. i can post these#i havent been scribbling much bc ive been chipping away at comms when i have the free time to do Art#the only non-comm stuff have been silly warmups riperoni#BUT! AHA! last week's me (early this week???) was in their Barnaby & Wally feels!!!#providing current me with Crumbs to post!
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wanted to say I appreciate your nuanced takes on MW and especially Curly. i don't get the claim that the fandom is full of Curly apologists when majority (esp yt and tiktok) say he's worse than Jimmy. Yes there's commentary about bro culture defending people, he def messed up in trying to placate Jimmy (tbh "we'll fix this" sounded more like trying to keep someone prone to outbursts like Jim calm and not hurt Anya/himself) but I don't think he did nothing to help Anya, since she continued to confide in him and he had less than a week to resolve it before the crash (I also don't get everyone saying he knew for ages when it seems like Anya told him that same week). I get Jimmy's a pos but saying stuff like Curly should've known he'd crash the ship or that Jim had a criminal record he ignored, reducing them to obviously horrible villain and willfully ignorant sidekick feels like a disservice to the game. If your best friend turned out to be horrible, what would you do in a confined space in the span of a few days to respond? I'd say some of the horror comes from trying to do good but ultimately failing, Curly's state after the crash is meant to be tragic horror not revenge/punishment
Thank you and this is what I want to get across.
A lot of information we have to supplement when it comes to how long things have been happening on this current ship. I think people try to add on to the horror and negligence by making things more obvious so it can feel like it was easier to avoid when, true to life, its not. Jimmy clearly didn't deserve or appreciate what Curly did for him in getting him the job, but do you think if Jimmy was that big of a menace on Earth he would've given him a position where he could have that level of power over people's lives? There's something in the fact he specifically chose to pick a position so close to himself where he could watch Jimmy.
I hate the bro code argument because that is a whole can of worms people really don't get. That sort of mentality is born from the general respect and preference of male matter over female ones. Curly is clearly not that guy, he is absent minded about the issue and inadvertently dismissive but he clearly believes Anya, he just can't understand what she's going through. It's an onslaught of information that no one really reacts right to. Additonally, the entire discussion of her assualt plays to heavy into the idea that there is fault outside of the perpertratior when it comes to SA. It's too close if she only did this or if Curly had protected her better but the fact of the matter is Jimmy did what he did. He did it before any of the conversations with Anya about it and it's why her behavior seemed to change so drastically in those last two days.
He has other conflicting thought and while his role as a Captain should've taken over, people act like it's not a very human thing to have such a toxic presence cloud your judgement. It is never easy to separate friend from coworker once that connection is formed, you want to help them, especially if they were friend first and for a long while like in this case. It's not right, but people act like it would be easy when the game clearly points out that no choice is easy to make, especially when you have to make it for more than one person. You have the weigh the consequences, look at all the options and make a plan. People can headcanon and decide how long things where happening, but if we look at what we were presented through the characters eyes, the only person given time to do that was Jimmy.
He waited two months after the crash to appoint himself Captain. Every time a problem was brought up he immediately took action and refused to sit on it and find a better solution. I think it's important to look at the warped way Jimmy takes initiative where Curly didn't as it works as a good contrast of why you don't just run in to "fix" things. The quickest and easiest option may not be the safest or most beneficial. I think some thoughts on the game suffer from the black and white thinking the game doesn't operate on along with us being voyeurs. We see what exactly led to what but the characters don't. They don't have the hindsight and foresight we do and even ours is scrambled by the non-linear story telling.
Like it's hard to talk abuou those grey zones without sounding like an apologist because you're explaining why taking responsibility isn't easy. It's not and it's weird to act like it would be in a scenerio that led up to the events of the game knowing what we know. We see all these characters in such isolated moments with various things before, in between, after and even during we aren't privy too. The idea that Jimmy is worse than Curly heavily banks on the words Jimmy was saying to Jimmy before he crashed the ship. That whatever happened on the ship was his responsibility to bare, which is true due to his position. But, are they not still not responsible for taking the actions Curly then must bare?
Like i feel like people think that these are situation that become easier with age or when you are in a postion of authority and they aren't. You don't lose your biases or gain some sudden knowledge that makes it easier. It just becomes more tiring as you keep dealing with it. I would be first in line to say Curly fucked up and should've done more but the idea he knew how bad it could get or he really saw the worst in the people around him and ignored it pretty much ignores a huge aspect of his character and the game.
#i do believe Anya was a victum to Jimmy more than once before the crash but the game plays wit the sort of fear of waiting and stagnation#i believe the reason she decided to tell him was becasuse she finally broke down and tested to see if she was pregnant after one too many#signs and its why she went to hide the gun because she knew now that there was proof of what Jimmy did and was he would do anything to#cover it up and while she also didn't want the baby there was no sure fire way to safely induce a miscarriage or abortion cause shes smart#enough to know that hence her reading the illusion of choice and taking measures to protect herself#but in the hypothetical it was a one time occurence I think Jimmy would act like one single mistake shouldn't define him and Anya thinks#that if she did something sooner or said something sooner than she or Curly could've stopped all of it but that the hard thing taking actio#its so hard to be preventative to a person like they also have the autonomy to do things and no one on the ship is okay with actively takin#that away outside of Jimmy that its just a delicate issue and people act like it was a conscious choice not to help when he just helped#wrong he did wrong by not immediately punishing Jimmy but at the same time did he even fully get it yet? Jimmy immediately got into his hea#after like the sound design right before he confront him is telling like every track sort of gives you the feeling of the characters where#we cant see their thoughts because again the only two characters pov we get are Jimmy's and Curly's and even then we only get Curly's thru#the responsibilites he has to take like he is always tasked with something because thats his role but we rarely see him do something off hi#own volition cause hes a metaphorical cog in many of the machines the games comments on but he's not actively pulling a switch#also i think people latch on to the we can both be heros things too much when analyzing Curly because Curly very much is not happy being th#leader and current “hero” of the Tulpar he just wants out in a way that doesn't hurt and while he is still responsible for not doing more#the idea he could've easily nipped this in the butt acts like Jimmy was not a beast of his own and that he made Jimmy into the person he wa#vs the fact that Jimmy is a person on his own right that makes these choices others are forced to take responsibility for when he simply c#couldve not done evil shit like at the end of the day Curly is not perfect but not nearly or remotely as bad as Jimmy because for that hed#have to not care hed have to not have tried hed have to not try to take responsibility and he did just not in the right way but thats#subjective to the person and you can only realize you did fuck up after the results are before you and its tragic like this game is a#a tragedy no matter how you try and spin it. There's lessosn to be learnt but at the end of the day it telling the worst moments of peoples#lives and the certain inevitabilities that come with it#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#nurse anya#anya mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing
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my food diary to keep track of what particular foods cause me distress is more scientific than Stanford Pines' Journals
#Gravity Falls#Ford's Journals are soooooo fucking unscientific it's funny#bro really thought drawings and thoughts were enough for a field journal#HE DIDN'T EVEN INCLUDE ANY SCALES IN HIS DRAWINGS#meanwhile my food diary is listing every meal and snack for each day#along with specific ingredients within each meal and snack that may cause me distress#all my symptoms rated on a scale from mild to severe#and also whether the symptoms occurred immediately or were delayed#and anything that may affect the results of the day (such as a temporary medication) noted at the end#I am a SCIENTIST I have done so many different lab books and field journals I'm gonna be THOROUGH about this shit#speecher speaks
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no but hold on for a second like can we just give it up for the absolute genius that was episode 5 + using segasaki and yoh's sitting positions - side by side or one behind the other so that they literally can't see each other's faces - to highlight their growing miscommunication / wrong footing / not being on the same page and speaking 2 different languages throughtout the entire episode and that being a constant running theme throughout all of it right until the final scene of the episode.
we start here:
and it continues:
and it continues ....
and even when things feel like they're ~ okay ~, they really aren't, because it continues ...
until we reach the final scene which is the sum of everything the episode was building up to:
pure genius.
#my personal weatherman#faiza talks#themes and motifs and all that jazz u know so i was in the gym when i thought about this at 9pm fbdhfkfks.#but yeah bc id been giffing all day it just occured to me#how many side by side / one behind the other scenes they had.#and DUH!!!!!! FOR A REASON!
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i stopped dissociating sometime last week and it fucking SUUUUCCCKKKS. let me back in PLEEEEEEASE😭
#i hate being out everything feels too real and im always having 10 million thoughts simultaneously#like i do need to deal with real world things at some point i recognise that. so maybe this is#useful or whatever. (the answer is yes yeah it's useful.) but have we considered that i dont want to do it? smh...#barking#i should be doing & dealing with so many things but ever since hs ended I've just been#sitting around assuming some kinda miracle will occur where things will change. any day now dude
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airplane at the end of book 3
#scum villian self saving system#svsss#hii ik im late to the game but i just ripped thru the 1st 3 books in a few days :P#many thoughts head full but this is the only post idea that occurred to me
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Miranda telling Shepard that this is the best Cerberus project she's ever worked on after only two missions is so fucking funny.
Girl this whole thing started with you shooting your assistant in the face
#how many people died a day on each Cerberus project do you think#like nothing has gone particularly right here#we went to freedoms progress and we were too late#a bunch of quarians died but shes good with that#i picked up mordin#garrus took a rocket to the face#and miranda is like this is the biggest streak of successes cerberus has ever seen#girl has it occurred to you that cerberus is badly managed#raise 👏 your 👏 standards 👏#shepard nodding along like... yeah okay everything i ever thought about Cerberus was right#good talk#mass effect#mass effect 2
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...
#hm. im in limbo. but at least i can draw again at last. ive never spent so long not wanting to draw. it was terrible#my job search lasted 4 days before i secured a position at target but i dont start until the 26th so im drifting until then#it feels so weird. like i dunno. i keep thinking abt jobs in a weird way now bc i just sorta drifted into what i do#weird academic stuff but i think most jobs arent like being a grad student and that never really occured to me#i dunno why. i could have done so many things but here i am. an ecologist mostly. i dunno. well see what the summer brings#maybe ill grow some social skills. its sorta weird but like the medication has made my head less terrible with intrusive thoughts. like i#can actually drive my car without hyperventilating which is fucking wild. so Maybe ill grow some confidence abt interacting with the world#going back in the fall still seems impossible rn but so does starting a job somewhere else. but i dunno#not where i expected to be in my life. im just lucky i dont have to worry much abt money#especially bc i got an ultrasound done so they cold make sure something wasnt wrong with my uterus#and its fine. guess it just hates me but that means i spent like 350 dollars for a 10min scan that showed nothing#ay. the us medical system#anyway. i guess ill continue drifting until the 26th#probably i should find something to do. or work on my old unpublished data#unrelated
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Another weird question for y’all! This one is more of a series of weird questions 1. Would it be bad weird to give helpful strangers a “thank you” sticker? I am very short and have asked strangers for help getting things down from tall shelves many times, and it occurred to me my new purse has room to fit some stickers 2. If I am going to carry around some stickers (I’m thinking the kind you can get a lot of that come on a roll), should it be stars, happy faces, or something else? 3. If you are a tall person who has been asked to get things down from shelves for strangers in stores, what would you do if that stranger then gave you a sticker? edited to add: it is entirely possible this thought occurred to me because I used to volunteer with preschoolers and have remembered while typing this post that I do have a roll of stickers somewhere in my house (they were for the preschoolers)
#the person behind the yarn#tj asks weird questions#I know it's weird I just don't know if it's BAD weird you know?#like I don't want to alarm people I'm aiming for either happiness or bemusement#I figure stickers are pretty non-threatening#wait I was going to say I could explain it if they ask as#I used to work with preschoolers and I have a lot of stickers left to use up#but I think I actually DO have a roll of stickers left over from my babysitting days????#I know as a short person there have been many times I have to ask for help getting things down#and I figure tall people must occasionally get tired of being asked to get things down from shelves#so maybe an unexpected thank you sticker can like. add a bit of unexpected brightness to it#also the thought occurred to me and I can't think of a reason not to do it
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anyways ‘sorcerer’ suku idea where he’s reincarnated into his own body and, instead of killing him a deal is struck with the higher ups and the only reason he behaves is because he’s reunited with his husband
#ooc.#he threatens to kill satoru every other day#but it’s so funny to think about#he’s not necessarily a good guy#he’s just TRYING becus of hisao#if it hadn’t been for him then…chaos would’ve occurred#many thoughts about this#then when he finds out he had a nephew😭💀
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i spent 101% of my paycheck within 1 hour of getting paid. feels bad man
#worst feeling ever however it WAS necessary#swim binder bc i am going on a holiday + a second of my current best binder#just bc of delivery cost may as well get the second now rather than later#should have gotten it last week but alas it only occurred to me after moving the $ into savings :(#i also should have gotten it last week bc now there is a much shorter window for the package to arrive#they are based in my city tho last time it took a day or two to arrive i believe so. fingers crossed#and either way this is a good thing and useful in the future etc. but it's sad. i like having money in savings and do not like spending it#even if my bank history says otherwise...#:')#so excited for the day in however many years when i will not have to give a single thought to all these matters
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god every time I think too much about this my brain wants to explode a little, but going into teaching as a nonbinary/genderqueer person is really going to be something huh
#thinking about this again tonight bc in one of my grad classes today we were all gendered as minus the one guy in the group#like during discussion someone (who i do love) was like. well I think because everyone here idenfities as a woman etc etc#and the other day in a different class my prof was talking about the demogroahics of the class in the same way relating it to teaching#how we were all the except the guy women etc etc#and there are so many other examples and ive been wondering like...how is this possible#and how does this happen so foren bc like#my cohort is very tiny and weve all been in classes for years together and most i know really well AND an out too#and my profs are lovely and know my pronouns#and this has never happened to me in other classes before to this level let alone with people i know so well#but i think ive come to the conclusion that these are all teaching spaces and people just dont think of teachers as gender diverse at all#like even the most well meaning progressive people in literal educational justice classes just it does not occur to them as a possibility#in our class but also just in general#and we talk so much about other stuff but it constantly feels like people are leaving this out the equation#anyway this probably makes zero sense#but i am just. thinking thoughts and need to put them somewhere.#its just fascinating#teaching#nonbinary#queer
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what if i got home from work and immediately had to do stuff for the house/my dad till 1 am then went to sleep so hard i didn’t dream then went back to work huh. what if that happened
#personal#i got six hours last night and that was the most i have gotten in several days#i mean my fault but it’s mostly like i’m gonna cut into my sleep time to have any free time#but anyway 10+ hour shifts 5+ hours cleaning/ helping my dad then sleep then immediately back at work#i was talking to my mom how bad life is yesterday and she was like but ur so skinny 😍#i did chew her out but we worked it out and i did admit the weight loss has made me feel better during all of this#but probably not great that i’m enjoying it you know? but anyway#but the lady who’s coming to live with us to help with dad came yesterday night so!#she was helping him when i woke up and left for work#definitely will be an adjustment to live with a stranger and god pleae please#let my parents keep the house normal enough for a human being#and i’m gonna have to actually make sure the house is clean bc that’s not fair to her#anyway will be a big adjustment but if i can sleep that’d be so fucking nice#i already cried at work but maybe i leave early? i wont i have 4/6 occurances just from calling out for my dad#but also hehe. one drops off in 9 days maybe i don’t give a shit#but also if i’m gonna get an occurrence might as well get a full day#many thoughts probably will stay the whole day#i told my mom when this is all settled i’m taking a vacation and not doing a single responsible thing#i hope she can take a vacation soon too#but yeah second we have this settled im not working for 2 weeks not even joking
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uh oh im hyperfixating on my own ocs again
#ive been drawing them so much the past few days its only occurring to me now what that means#granted three other ones have also been acting up again so my mind is on many#oh four maybe ive been getting caught up on d20.......... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm#hhhh still just. in that current phase of self diagnosis where im still unsure of calling myself it or not#but. as someone with diagnosed adhd who knows what hyperfixation is like. i. think some of these are closer to autism special interests....#fuckin. if i have autism sure then whatever man i dont care i just dont want to have to fuckin go through *another* self discovery thing#eh i guess its a new year who knows#adhd 2020 nonbinary 2021 autism 2022 i know its feb now but i started questioning last year so yeah#anyway mental health aside i thought of a cool prompt idea thing so im gonna do that now#crazwaz posted
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I've had a hard time articulating to people just how fundamental spinning used to be in people's lives, and how eerie it is that it's vanished so entirely. It occurred to me today that it's a bit like if in the future all food was made by machine, and people forgot what farming and cooking were. Not just that they forgot how to do it; they had never heard of it.
When they use phrases like "spinning yarns" for telling stories or "heckling a performer" without understanding where they come from, I imagine a scene in the future where someone uses the phrase "stir the pot" to mean "cause a disagreement" and I say, did you know a pot used to be a container for heating food, and stirring was a way of combining different components of food together? "Wow, you're full of weird facts! How do you even know that?"
When I say I spin and people say "What, like you do exercise bikes? Is that a kind of dancing? What's drafting? What's a hackle?" it's like if I started talking about my cooking hobby and my friend asked "What's salt? Also, what's cooking?" Well, you see, there are a lot of stages to food preparation, starting with planting crops, and cooking is one of the later stages. Salt is a chemical used in cooking which mostly alters the flavor of the food but can also be used for other things, like drawing out moisture...
"Wow, that sounds so complicated. You must have done a lot of research. You're so good at cooking!" I'm really not. In the past, children started learning about cooking as early as age five ("Isn't that child labor?"), and many people cooked every day their whole lives ("Man, people worked so hard back then."). And that's just an average person, not to mention people called "chefs" who did it professionally. I go to the historic preservation center to use their stove once or twice a week, and I started learning a couple years ago. So what I know is less sophisticated than what some children could do back in the day.
"Can you make me a snickers bar?" No, that would be pretty hard. I just make sandwiches mostly. Sometimes I do scrambled eggs. "Oh, I would've thought a snickers bar would be way more basic than eggs. They seem so simple!"
Haven't you ever wondered where food comes from? I ask them. When you were a kid, did you ever pick apart the different colored bits in your food and wonder what it was made of? "No, I never really thought about it." Did you know rice balls are called that because they're made from part of a plant called rice? "Oh haha, that's so weird. I thought 'rice' was just an adjective for anything that was soft and white."
People always ask me why I took up spinning. Isn't it weird that there are things we take so much for granted that we don't even notice when they're gone? Isn't it strange that something which has been part of humanity all across the planet since the Neanderthals is being forgotten in our generation? Isn't it funny that when knowledge dies, it leaves behind a ghost, just like a person? Don't you want to commune with it?
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