#many thanks for the patience gamers

[shalomniscient]

sometimes in normal other times i need to be feixiao’s spoiled little pillow princess so bad

[luvwestwood]

"AFK" - Choso Kamo (with twt links)

"..like fortnite, i’ma need your skin.."

3,012 words.

warnings. nsfw(18+), bf/gamer! choso, oral sex (m rec.), humiliation, desk sex, exhibitionism, trying not to get caught, feral choso, p in v, throat fucking, oral sex (m receiving), overstimulation, degradation, choso whimper links included lol,

notes. my previous drabble abt choso had a lil kick to it, definitely had to make it into a full one-shot! hope u guys enjoy, and thank u for 450 followers hehe, so I included twt links! ^^

credits to @/plutism for dividers, @/adrienwithane for banner.

russian translation by @juliabelll ❤️

Not too long ago, it was Choso's birthday. Being an amazing girlfriend you are, of course you built him a brand new PC. It cost you an arm and a leg, but that didn't matter at all when it came to Choso. Seeing him happy itched a part of your brain, especially when he was the one who would pay for everything: dates, your online shopping carts, you name it.

He never really bought anything for himself. You were getting tired of the countless times that he went on a tangent about how slow his previous machine was. It was doing your head in, so you saved up. For what you now call a 'not-blessing-in-disguise'.

Choso was obsessed with his new PC, and it wasn’t an exaggeration. Part of you was starting to regret it all. The man barely paid attention to you.

Am I the asshole for being mad that my boyfriend likes his gift a bit too much? No, I wouldn't think so. I should be delighted, but it's pretty much getting outrageous.

The fact that he has almost every single game out there on that PC in just a span of one week since he got it - means there's more for him to do. Every day, he'd wake up, do a bit of house stuff then sit his ass down to play with his friends. For as long as he can. Never leaving that room. Hell, he wouldn't even bother answering your messages until an hour later. 'Mb, was on the game' is something that was engraved in your brain by now.

Every time you'd come over, he'd ignore you simply by just gluing his eyes on the screen. If you try to nap, just go home. You've lost track of how many times he's managed to wake you up with his blood-curdling screams. There were times when Choso didn't even notice you leaving, which upset you quite a bit.

Of course, you had moments when you needed him the most. Like, badly. Freshly shaved, he's not even mentally there to take a peek. You could be naked and oiled up in his bed, Choso wouldn't even bat an eye.

…Advice to self, don't get him a PS5 this Christmas.

"Choso," You called out, sat on the edge of the bed behind him. No answer. Per usual, you wanted to rip that headset off his head.

Dark circles were forming around his eyes, endless cans of monster were scattered all over his desk. "Nah let's just fight Oscar, we've got a minute until the circle closes."

Rolling your eyes, a scoff escapes your mouth. Aaand he didn't hear you. Crossing your arms, you furrow your brows. He was honestly testing your patience. "Choso?!"

Choso flinches a bit, pulling one side of his headset away from his ear. His gaming chair spins around to face you. "Baby?"

He knew you were mad. You looked more than pissed. It was really because this recurring behavior of his was getting too much. "Your eyes are always on that screen! Did you even know that I was here!?”

“I-I’m sorry. Look, I'll get off after this game!” From his headset you could hear Choso’s friends teasing and picking on him. They probably heard you scolding your poor boyfriend. You couldn’t care less.

As soon as you were about to speak, he immediately spun his chair back around to face that stupid monitor again. He was too engrossed in the game. It was his squad of four against the only opposing team.

Groaning, you flop back onto his mattress. "..You always say that, and you never do." Muttering under your breath, you stare at the ceiling blankly. What felt like a hammer to your head, Choso's war cries could only get louder each second.

The past few days, you had no choice but to use your own fingers to toy with yourself. You were needy, and you missed your boyfriend's touch. Too bad he was too occupied. How come his keyboard and mouse get to be touched by him more than your....

Using all of your strength, you sat yourself up again on the edge of his mattress. Realizing there's no use in scolding him, you quietly walked up behind Choso, combing your fingers through his hair. You loved when it was down, and he loved it when you played with his hair. He found it relaxing. You could tell by the way his body was no longer tensed up, the back of his head falling heavy onto your hand.

Your hands left his hair, travelling down to his nape. With your freshly manicured nails (which he paid for), you gently scratched his skin on his neck. You could see goosebumps forming, but said nothing about it. Choso who was ticklish, tilted his head to the side - "Mmm," He hummed, telling you off as you were starting to distract him.

Letting out a laboured sigh, you stared at the back of his head. Wondering what to do with him, you pouted. Maybe I should just leave like every other day? No, I can't back down.

He seems really busy. Would he even notice if I crawled under his desk? Grinning, you got on your knees, crawling like a kitty underneath his desk but making minimal noise. You glanced behind your shoulder to see his reaction, but his eyes were still gawking at the flashing screen in front of him.

Coming face to face with his sweats, you kneeled, just in level with his lap. Peeking your head out from the shadows under his desk, Choso had only noticed you then. His eyes widened, the sight of you looking up at him like a puppy had started to cloud up his thoughts.

Grabbing onto his wrist, he slowly let go of his mouse. Bringing his hand to your cheek, he took it in the palm of his hand, eventually giving in and using his thumb to softly caress your lips. "..I missed you, Choso.." You whispered, softly sucking on his thumb. "..I need you,"

His breath hitched, your words were doing something to him. What a fool he was for ignoring you all this time? Just then, a cacophony of voices screaming through his headset broke him out of his trance. Choso's warm hand left your face, causing you to frown. Your fun was cut short. Way too short.

You had enough, deciding it was time you finally got what you wanted. Snaking your two hands up the soft cotton of his sweats, they stopped right at his crotch. His eyes anxiously shot down to you underneath him, telling you off and pointing to his headset.

Placing a finger onto your lips, you told him to just be quiet. His eyes frantically flickered from you, then to his monitor. Slowly, you slid down his pants. Smiling at the way he rose himself up from his seat slightly, so it would be easier to take them off. Of course, he wasn't wearing anything underneath.

Taking his long, thick cock into your hands, you jerked it ever so slightly. Choso cleared his throat, keeping his mouth shut all of a sudden in case he accidentally makes unwanted noise. He was practically melting under your touch, into the chair. Gliding your tongue over his pink tip, he didn't dare look at you. Not long after, your warm mouth wrapped over him, Choso letting out a sigh of relief at the feeling.

You knew how to push his buttons, bringing yourself to fully deepthroat his cock for a few seconds. His lips purse shut, Choso slightly biting down onto his bottom lip. His fingers started to press on the wrong keys, unable to focus on the game.

Pulling away, a string of saliva connected your tongue and his aching tip. You brought your lips back onto his cock, bobbing your head and hollowing your cheeks as you used your two hands to jerk him off at the same time.

The man above was folding at the pornographic sight underneath him. Hearing Choso moan by accident, he quickly covered it up with a cough. ���…Yeah, no, I’m good- Just don’t- feel well..”Friends concerned, Choso had come up with a convincing lie in just seconds. His hand reached down to rake through your hair until his fist was full of it. [link]

He lightly pushed your head up and down his length, your mouth making sloppy noises all over, buckets of spit dripping down your chin and his balls.

Ripping his headset off, Choso didn't care about the game anymore. Or his friends. He groaned as you fondled with his balls, giving them a suck afterwards. His light grey pants were turning a darker shade than before. His two hands clawed into your hair on both sides of your face, Choso started to fuck his cock into the back your throat.

Moaning, his eyes shut tightly as his head fell back onto the cushion of his chair. His balls tightening as he heard how you constantly gagged over his thick cock. "Fuck.. Just like that.."

His moans were a mixture of curses and long groans, tears started to well up in your eyes. Choso opened his eyes again, looking down at you as he drew your mouth away from his cock. He smiled, seeing your makeup all ruined, your face covered with spit and so did his lap.

Rolling his chair away from the desk, he grabbed you from underneath. Only to pull it back again, placing it in front of his PC. Guiding his hand on your back, he bent you over on the chair, making your two legs kneel on the soft cushion so you wouldn't tire out. [link]

Holding tightly onto your hair, your head fell back towards him. Choso had ripped the fabric of your leggings that was unfortunately covering your cunt. Grabbing his cock, he lined himself up with your hole, his hands shaking from how eager he was.

Easily sliding in from the slick that covered your hole, you grabbed onto the arm rest in front of you; Choso stretching you out completely. Wasting no time, he began to move his hips back and forth, fucking his hard cock into you.

His monitor started to gently shake from how hard his cock was bullying into you, skin slapping as his balls that were full of weeks load cum made contact with your clit.

"C-Choso.." You cried out, your hand reaching back to his pelvis. Staring at yourself getting fucked like a slut through the reflection of his PC monitor, your ass rippled with each and every one of his thrusts.

Maintaining his brutal pace, his fingers were no longer woven into your hair, reaching out to the headset on his desk. Confused, you kept your eyes open to watch Choso place them over your head. "W-What..?"

His hands gripped onto the flesh of your hips, Choso leaned into your ear. "Keep moaning you slut, let them hear you." All of a sudden he groaned, feeling you clench around him at what he just said. "You like that, don't you?"

Spinning you slightly to one side, his leg went up onto the chair with you, allowing him more leverage to fuck you deeper. "Eyes up at that camera too, show them how pretty you look taking my cock," Tears started to stream down the sides of your cheeks, your face had flushed red.

Choso's hands took a hold of your hair again, his tip kissing your cervix repeatedly. "I.." Speechless, you lost your ability to form a basic sentence. His fat cock left you braindead, at this point you were seeing nothing but stars.

"..Use your words baby," A creamy white ring started to form at his base as his cock pistoned in and out of you. Choso's hand kept stamping down on your back from time to time to make sure you kept that arch. "..Isn't this what you've been wanting all week?"

"Y-you're so deep.. I can't.." Your hand reached back to his abs, twisting the white fabric of his tank top until it was all wrinkly. He took a hold of your wrist, twisting your arm behind you. Choso slightly bent over, his warm body resting against your back.

He quietly groaned into your ear, chanting your name like a prayer. You were fucked out of your mind. "You feel so good.. like this pussy was made for me." The pace of his thrusts slowed down, but his hips still rut into you hard each time. His strokes hard and deep, you swear could feel him all up in your guts. Your jaw had dropped, your head falling back onto his shoulder.

Choso's hands reached under your loose shirt, letting your tits spill out of your bra. Gently twisting your nipple between his finger tips, fondling with your whole breast afterwards, he forgot how much he loved wrapping his mouth around those.

"Your cock.. It feels so good.." You babbled, Choso sneaking his fingers underneath to rub lazy circles on your clit. Your legs began to tremble, fortunately your throat managed to choke out a whine.

Also seeing him in the reflection of his monitor, strands of his hair started to stick to his face. Multiple beads of sweat had formed on his forehead. Choso didn't want to leave your pussy. Not even Thor could pull him out. He enjoyed using you like a cock whore.

You felt so dizzy, mind full of his cock. Choso let out multiple whimpers as he felt his orgasm nearing, his index finger hooking onto the side of your mouth. The very last few seconds, his cock bottomed into you, trying to chase your orgasm. The desk hitting against he wall non-stop, his headset that was on you started to fall off your head.

Leaving a trail of wet kisses down your back, his hand grabbed onto the plush flesh of your ass, continuously giving it a spank every now and then.

The wet, slapping noises of your skin continued to follow, until you felt his thrusts come to a sudden halt. His hot cum shooting inside of you rope after rope, just before he pulled out to let the rest out onto your ass. "..Fuck.. look at that."

Using his thumb to spread your hole wide open, his load spilt onto the black leather of his gaming chair. You panted, tired and hole throbbing. You got what you wanted, that’s for sure. Forcing his headset off you, you couldn't do anything but lean against his desk, trying to regulate your breathing pattern back to normal.

"..We're not done here," Choso laughed behind you, your cunt still dripping of his thick load. His hands roughly turned your body around, placing you on top the desk to face him. Using his foot to push the chair away, he lined his cock with your hole again, using his cum that was already inside of you as lube.

"Oh m-my- Choso!" You yelped, one hand taking grip onto his shoulder for support, the other holding knocking his keyboard out of the way, trying to find something to hold onto other than his shoulder.

His forehead rested against yours, the staggering movement of his hips causing the desk itself to shake under the two of you. Choso watched as his cock disappeared in and out of your hole, grunts coming out through his clench teeth as he wrapped his large hands around your thighs. He wanted more, and wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

"..Good girl," He gritted through his teeth, "..I love t-this pussy, and you." Choso's hands pressed flat against the desk, his lips locking onto yours. His cock was coated in a mixture of his and your own cum, your sweaty bodies intimately hugging against each other.

Choso wanted to feel all you, he just craved more and more each minute. His hands shakily held onto the sides of your waist, his lips moving to your jaw to plant more kisses.

"You're so beautiful, look at me baby." Choso lightly tapped the side of your face, telling you to maintain eye contact.

Obeying, you kept your eyes open; looking into his but not a thought behind your own eyes. You only continued to whine under his touch, overstimulated from how much he's used you like a cock whore. You were so close to losing your mind, drunk off his cock.

Choso too, was lost in your pussy. God, was he whipped— If only he could stay inside you forever, he definitely would. This whole time he was busy cursing at himself, how much of an idiot he is to not appreciate what he has - you. Your cheeks were stained with your hot tears, Choso hushing you and wiping them away every now and then.

“S-Shit, I’m gonna cum again.” He pants, feeling his balls tighten for the second time, the tightness of your pussy heightening his stimulation.

Your hands cupped both of his cheeks, pulling him in for a kiss. His thrusts turning sloppy, you cooed. “..Cum for me, I want it all inside..”

This caused the coil inside of Choso to snap, him desperately whimpering into your ear as he hid his face in the crook of your neck. “F-fu-ck..” Tightly holding onto the flesh of your hips, he made sure his second load stayed inside of you.

Sliding his cock out, Choso rested his heavy cock just above your pussy. Making sure he planted a peck on your forehead, trying to catch his breath. The two of you laugh, your bodies aching and sweaty, his entire desk and chair a mess.

Reaching for something, you blinked as Choso grabbed his headset that ended up on the other side of the desk. Placing one side against his ear, he spoke into the mic. "..GG."

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⤳ © luvwestwood ‘24 all works are owned by me, and originally come from my own head. please do not re-post on a third party platform without my permission!

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⤳ as always, thank you for the love on each and every one of my posts! it means the world to me 🎀🩷

[luvwestwood masterlist]

[idilarila]

Twst boys with s/o who marks them with lipstick

OMG IM SO SO SORRY, I COMPLETELY FORGOT THIS REQUEST 😭

@marinahavik

I hope you like it even if I posted it way too late 😞

___________________________________________

Jamil:

Jamil is a really busy man, he's always making sure everything is fine in Scarabia and taking care of Kalim, so the time left for you two to share together is pretty little, but that doesn't mean he doesn't treasure does moments, on the contrary, its what gives him the strength and patience to keep up with his busy life. At night, when he gets the time to see you and you kiss him all over his pretty face getting those possessive lipstick stains he feels like all of his stress from the day is gone, and to be honest, he finds it hot deep inside that you do it to mark him as your man.

Leona:

He's smooth, at least on the outside, making sly comments to tease you and how you're so "clingy" and how you got his face all stained with your lipstick, yet on the inside his heart is beating real fast as you mark him as yours. There's something about your genuine affection and possessiveness that he never experienced that makes him feel so fuzzy inside, like he's wanted and loved, a big softie to you if you ask me. Obviously you're the only person he would ever let do that with him, if some other girl or person tried they would have been growled at and brushed off. Let's say you get the privileges.

Sebek:

Even though Sebek might act like he doesn't like it or try to brush it off, his strong blush is so obvious it just makes it funnier to you. Hep starts yapping about how inappropriate it is and everything but in the end he's just shy and embarrassed as well as overly nervous as he had never experienced this kind of affection nor a relationship before and with how proud he tends to be, well...he's combusting, specially when you tell him is your way of marking him as yours. Be patient to him, he loves it but he's not ready to admit that to you, he'll collapse lol.

Malleus:

At first, Malleus didn't notice, he just went on his day without paying attention, as everyone in NRC turned around to see him stunned, as they always did, but this time the motive wasn't his powerful aura but the way his face was all covered in lipstick stains of the smooches you gave him and he gladly accepted.

Only when Silver saw him he quickly run over to Malleus to tell him and hand him a mirror. But to surprise of many, Malleus liked it, dragons tend to be possessive and intense so he saw it as if you were marking him as your lover, which to him was both adorable and lovely, not caring in the slightest what the other students thought, after all, he's THE Malleus Draconia, who would even dare to speak behind his back?

Idia:

Our introverted gamer #1 is completely flustered and embarrassed, his hair turns a cute shade of pink as he tries to hide his face, don't get him wrong, he loves your affection and kisses, he just gets so nervous and embarrassed he can't help it. Ortho is also there to witness his completely smooched face which only makes it more embarrassing to Idia, thanking the great seven for being in his room and not on campus where everyone would see him.

Once again I'm so so sorry for forgetting your request and leave you hanging for so long 😭

I hope at least you liked it

[wilsons-journey]

Culinary Calendar - December

My contribution to this amazing project ♥

Get your free copy here:

Long Credits under the Cut:

Feat. OCs (in no particular order):

Lyra - mistborn-bastard

Aikarico Ripchase - astralarias

Rolan Brightwing - brightwingedbat

Thel Victus - sidewinder30k

Vorias Ironhide - dion-iron

Redaar Steelhide - jollycryptid

Clove Hellbaum - scrumpygoat

Gaius Horncleaver - commanderhorncleave

Ahrikima - Ahrikima

Yahuk Thornheart - charrior-of-ash

Salem Steelveil - thornethenorn

Fillan - vampiricsheep

Lyza Ironmouth - charr-salad

fregion - fregion-bond-breaker

Malva the Furnace - nyoka-gorefell

Sibyl Goldveil - fvriva

Marro Bonesnap - foreverconfused-anenqui

Fenrir Bloodkeeper - lionheart405

Falco Burngrace - rostomanologist

Cyrisus Riftwalker - cyrisusriftwalker

Red Ripperdragon - gamer-redr

Flash Fulgurfur - madame-cookie

khelleren

Pyrite Alderspark - pyritepirate444

Boltyhound Swiftkill- legionnaireintraining

Candessence - mystery-salad

guildwarszeke

Linus Ruinweld - flower-crow

Temma Bellrose - noivern

Kaetrai Fiercefang - zarathelonewolf

Plantain - matsuriwolf

Denalien - kehideni

Heart of the Hunter - championbutch

Bato Ghostclaw - commanders-company

Semijs - siins

Rodnur - rizardofether

Mabaki - Mabaki

Closing Words: Thank you so much for having me in this Calendar for this year! It was a blast drawing this piece ♥

And please check out this wonderful Calendar! There are so many pages full of gorgeous art of other wonderful artist!

And special thanks for bringing this awesome calendar to live!

[jooniperbonsai]

Thanks for the Sub (ksj) | Chapter Three

Pairing: Camboy!Seokjin x Gamer!Reader (afab)

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 14.9k

Release date: March 24, 2024

Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, camboy au, gamer au, comedy, crack, slow burn (?), coworkers/boss/friends to lovers, an exploration of adults in their late 20s/early 30s

Summary: Now that Seokjin has agreed to come over and help you practice for your streams, you find there's a lot more you want to do with him than actually prepare for this stream.

Chapter Warnings: Anxiety and panic attacks HEAVILY referenced in this chapter, familial verbal and emotional abuse that might be triggering to some (slamming of doors, manipulative behaviors), references to puberty, implied chubby/fat reader, references to disordered eating (not main characters), references to oral (f), mention of sub drop, Seokjin is STRONG and the king of consent, lots of little domestic moments idk let's hope I didn't forget anything

a/n: Ahh finally, I'm so sorry it took so long to get to you. I have been very busy in my little corner of reality so I haven't had a chance to really dive back in for a while. I hope you enjoy more of the backstory to the characters in this one, I found pulling away from the spicy bits a little necessary so I could learn more about my characters as they grow.

I'll be in South Korea these next few weeks for my birthday, so I might be mostly offline but I'll enjoy looking at your comments, tags, questions, etc, while I'm away! Thanks for your patience. Enjoy! -h

This, she thinks, is goodbye. Her body sprawled in the silk sheets of August’s chamber, head thrust back onto the plush pillows. Never again in her life did she think she would see the dark beams of his ceiling again, yet now, her legs bent and open for him, his lips eagerly suckling her inner thigh, she couldn’t imagine life any other way. 

How many times had she counted each knot in the wood above her, her eyes tracing the swirl and swell of the grain while August swirled the swell of her sex? Perfectly matched in this way, as if he were reading her like a map he’d crafted himself. He knew her. Knew all of her, how the heady moan leaving her throat now was a sign she was becoming impatient with his thorough ministrations. 

She dared to risk a glance down, only to see him watching her intently, devilishly choosing that moment to latch himself onto her, a wicked smirk flashing across his face as she elicited a hearty gasp. 

“August,” she breathed, instinctively tangling her fingers through his newly-raven hair, dyed dark now to comply with his family’s request. While his once-bleached locks were the definite sign of his rebellion, a sign that he would fight against the ruling state and their convoluted and asinine laws that prevented royalty from marrying a commoner, she admitted his natural hair suited him more. He looked less harsh this way, his delicate skin creamy and soft as she skimmed her fingertips across his cheek. 

“No,” he breathed into her sex, sending a delightful shiver down her spine. 

Something about the glint in his eye as he feasted upon her spelled out more than simple lust. No, she forbade herself to think that this was more than a parting gift, a transaction before she would be cast aside for his betrothed. 

“Please,” she begged, though she knew she was asking for many things in that request. Please end the hunger between her legs, please end his engagement. Please take her to bed tonight and tomorrow and every night after. Please love me. 

“Say my name,” he growled, sitting up to wipe his mouth with the back of his robe sleeve.

“August,” she called but he only chuckled darkly, the cool blue of the fabric cascading around him. 

 She felt so exposed. Here she was, completely naked, and yet he hadn’t even begun to undress. It felt cold, final, and sickening. Her eyes roved his body, looking for more skin, anything to keep her close to him at this moment, but he was so carefully tucked away. 

“August,” she said again and he shook his head. 

“That’s not my name,” he argued. 

Her eyebrows knit together, and she reached forward, needing now more than ever to touch him. She was drowning fast in the night, the blue robes sweeping over both their bodies as he leaned closer, finally letting her grip his forearm as she groped around. He was drifting from her in one way or another, his body a boat on the water that was capsizing her under his waves. 

“I–I can’t. I can’t see you. I–.” A rush of white hot panic surged into her throat, constricting her words. As she began drowning, August moved quickly, disrobing himself and pulling her into his embrace. She gasped for air as she wrenched out a heavy sob, her nipples stroking the soft hairs on his chest, yet she ignored the sensation instead for the thing she needed more: his heartbeat. 

There, in his chest, was the melodic thrum that sought to calm her erratic one, calling her home to him in the cold night air. 

“Breathe, Petal,” he commanded, and she felt a rush of air fall from her lungs as she remembered once more to do the most simple of human tendencies. His arms laced around her back, where the soft tracing of his fingers along her spine brought her back into herself. 

“I’m sorry,” she cried, a prick of tears falling despite her best efforts to appear unaffected. 

He hummed in response. 

“Stay with me,” he whispered, and she felt her joints loosen as she molded herself further into his embrace. 

“I want to,” she replied, voice unsteady. “Sugar, please just hold me.”

He melted into her, a pool of warmth overtaking him as he absorbed her nickname. He kissed her forehead, her temples, everywhere his mouth could spread some of the sweetness.

After long, she hummed a satisfied sound through her lips, and her hips began rocking against him. He laid her back down, his eyes searching hers before the corner of his mouth ticked into a smirk. 

“You with me?” he asked, his smirk becoming a full grin as she bucked further toward him, desperate and wanting. He was back, the ever-changing prince who within a blink of an eye could transform the room into his sensual paradise. 

August’s hand skimmed up her calf and back between her thighs, resting up against her heat. 

“August,” she panted, and he chuckled darkly, the scar over his eye almost glowing in the moonlight. 

“I told you that’s not my name,” he warned, sliding his fingers into her wet folds. 

“Seokjin,” you said, his name caught in your throat as he continued moving.

“Good girl,” he coaxed, two of his fingers covering the edges of your clit as he began rolling it under his touch. 

“Fuck.” 

The wooden beams were gone. Now it was the familiar white plaster that you often looked at, trying to remember what constellations were above during what season, though you could never see the stars anyway in this part of the city. 

Seokjin pulled himself up off the chamber bed, though the chamber was hazy, almost pixelated as you realized around you it was not the chamber of August and his beloved, but your small bedroom. 

“Focus,” he commanded, and your eyes flashed over to Seokjin, who was naked and sweaty, his chest flush like it was when you’d seen him before. His fingers roamed over your calf and he lifted you leg at an angle, exposing your pussy to the cool air. 

Seokjin licked his lips and began swirling his fingers around your clit, sending a jolt of pleasure through your body. 

“You gonna be good for me?” he asked and you moaned an affirmative as you felt the first of his fingers tip into you. 

“Nuh uh, use your words, Y/N.” 

You opened your mouth to beg but found no words could come out. He cocked his head, confused. Seokjin reached over to touch your face. You felt nothing. 

“What–”

The plop of the book hitting the floor jars you awake. At some point in reading, you must’ve dozed off, your world and the book world merging into a hot, overwhelming dream that has your heart racing. 

He’s in your mind again, Seokjin. And it really is all your fault. Because you’ve spent the rest of your weekend and the first half of this week texting him with a plan to put this After Dark stream into place, an idea that you hadn’t really thought through before proposing to him. 

You know you want this, to feel at ease in your body and confident to hold your own on streams. Especially since the option to quit is becoming less and less of an option. This week, your university confirmed your withdrawal, meaning that for the next few months you’ll be focusing on streaming and working more shifts at the restaurant to try and replenish your income for the summer term. 

And that also means you’ll be seeing Seokjin a lot more often. Your stomach does a tiny flip just thinking about it. 

Now with him being around you everywhere, all the time, your subconscious has been drifting to dreams of him, and every waking thought is somehow finding a way to wiggle him in. At the market this morning, you were walking through the produce section where you noticed a large pile of mangoes on sale. Does Seokjin like mangoes? you’d wondered. That shirt on the mannequin would look good on Seokjin. That dog looks like the one in the old picture in Seokjin’s office. What would Seokjin think about this recurring ad? 

It’s becoming relentless. So much so that you also find yourself asking him random questions to take the edge off. 

Me 1:47PM: Thoughts about fruit on pizza. 

Seokjin 1:50PM: Are you asking because we are having pizza later?

Me 1:51PM: No I was just wondering

Me 1:51PM: Unless you want that later? I can get us some 

Me 1:51PM: I’ll pay

Seokjin 1:51PM: No you will not! I’ll pay

Seokjin 1:53PM: Also depends on the kind of fruit

Seokjin 1:53PM: Never had blueberries on pizza. 

Seokjin 1:54PM: But I would maybe try it. Pineapple is fine though.

Seokjin 1:55PM: I’ll pick up the pizza on the way over. Be there at 6. 

Seokjin agreed to stop by today to do some roleplay exercises for you to practice before your stream later tonight. He thought it was important that you run through the full scale of situations you might be presented with so you could say no firmly but without risking losing your viewership, two things equally at odds with each other for you most of the time. 

You look for your phone in the mess of your couch cushions, assuming that at some point in your impromptu nap, it slunk down between the crack. Sure enough, you find it nestled between two cushions, the comfort of its weight in your hand dismissing some of the panic when you see it’s only 4:30. He hasn’t texted, which means he hasn’t canceled.

You remember from his stream last week that he maintains a tempered persona, never giving too much or too little away to his viewers. He’d exuded such self control. Is he always like that? 

You know he mostly keeps it together at work, but that amount of restraint shocks you. You’re always wondering what it is that will make him snap. Sure, you’ve seen him annoyed, or occasionally yelling at your coworkers, but never rageful. Never out of control. That just isn’t Seokjin. 

Determined to keep your hands busy while you wait for him to arrive, you busy yourself tidying, though your apartment is scarily clear because you’ve been frantically cleaning all day. You walk into the kitchen, a small, narrow room that has never been very welcoming as a cooking space. Your old, banged up fridge has dents from where the door has opened too quickly and rocketed into the oven handle, leaving a jagged, metal scar on the surface.

When you’d first moved in, you didn’t understand how something could be so damaged, but within the first week, it became apparent how heavy and quickly the door swung into it, probably because the floors, and thus everything else, doesn’t sit exactly level in the space, meaning that everything that you bake comes out at an angle, and everything else always falls to one side of the pan, making things uneven. Every time you use your rolling pin, you have to place it on an oven mitt or else you risk it rolling into the large gap between the countertop and the wall. 

Your apartment is one that you’ve done your best to uplift. While your kitchen is somewhat of a hellhole, with a buzzing fluorescent light that sounds almost like it’s mocking you when you dare to cook anything in it, the rest of your space has some sense of charm to it. 

There’s a large window facing the back parking lot of the building, which some may find less exciting because it isn’t exuding some Instagram-worthy backdrop of urban living, but you benefit from the fact that there’s a large, undeveloped lot in your view, with some plum trees that will bloom in the next few weeks, and the soft chartreuse green that ushers in the early spring grasses is slowly starting to brighten in hue. 

Some summer nights, you crack your window and hear the loud chattering of cicadas and birds as they rustle through the trees, and it helps to distract from the usual traffic noises that ricochet off the other buildings around you. 

You have some small herbs growing on the windowsill, as well as some salvaged green onion ends you’d tossed into an empty yogurt pot with soil and let take off. A sad excuse for a dining table is propped against it with two mismatched chairs. 

An oversized, well-loved, brown couch you got for a steal from one of those local posting groups takes up a large chunk of your living room, which will probably have to be sawed in half to get out of your space if you ever move. It weighs a ton and you can’t even shuffle it into a better angle toward your television, which has resulted in one side of the couch being further worn-down and frumpy from the creases of you sitting in the same spot day after day. The other side usually houses a variety of character plushies and a large pink knit blanket you swaddle yourself in regularly. Today, everything is given a place, and the blanket is folded and resting on the back of the couch. 

The rest of your apartment is a collection of stuff: some mismatched bookshelves shoved into one corner with all your smutty reads and figurines, postcards and repurposed mailers you’ve collaged into some type of wall art, and Barry, your Big Mouth Bass that knows one song and one song only: “Take Me to the River”. 

Due to your lack of space in your cozy apartment, your desk and gaming set-up are in your room. During streams, you tote out a collapsible green screen to give yourself at least some privacy, but behind the screen is your bed you’ve cluttered with some throw pillows, a dresser whose drawers are so warped they don’t fully close, the nightstand which hides your collection of sex toys, and that’s about it. As the months have progressed, your schoolwork has moved from being the main event on the desk to now being crammed into the shallow drawers beneath. Beyond that, your PC and streaming supplies take up the rest of the space in your room. 

After fussing with everything for a whole ten minutes, you retreat from your bedroom, heading into the hellscape kitchen to stare at the groceries you’ve just bought. 

A jar of kimchi, some beets, and a comically large bag of carrots you impulse bought greet you. You sigh. Yes, this is what you’ll have to do to make time pass. Pulling the items from the fridge, you shuffle around to gather your cutting board from its slot next to the microwave, and find your good knife set in the drawer. 

One of the conditions you were given upon being hired at the restaurant was to purchase your own set of knives. “It teaches you how to respect the tools before you. Having pride in your knives ensures you’ll serve food with pride,” Mr. Kim had told you. 

When you shared that knowledge with Seokjin he snorted. “It ensures you’ll not damage our own knives that he’s too cheap to replace is what he means.” 

Regardless, you now own a decent quality set of cutting knives, perfect for what you need them for. You scrub and lightly peel the carrots to trim away the dirt and uneven shapes adorning the outside.

Then, you begin your setup, placing your cutting board with a kitchen towel near the end to catch any rollaway carrots you’re bound to encounter during your task. You snag a large bowl, a rubber jar grip to keep the cutting board in place, and your Chef’s knife from your knife set. You chop up the kimchi and beets, doing a tiny bit of prep by cutting those for later in the week. Then, you begin with the carrots. 

You pull from the washed pile and grip your knife, and remember what Seokjin taught you: cut the rounded edge off the carrot so it sits flat on the board. You slice again, then again, stacking the pieces before cutting in the next direction until a pile of neat matchsticks lay before you. 

No chaos erupting in the kitchen, no pieces flinging to the floor or a semi-concussion. Just you, the yellow glow of the humming light, and your carrots. You begin the next one. Then again. It’s almost addicting, like the affirmation that you are capable of this, of anything, has started to warm something inside of you. 

When was the last time you felt this confident and assured? Felt like you were growing in the right direction? In school, you were used to doing fairly well and understanding the material, but this is different somehow. This is you seeing the results as they pile higher into the bowl. You reach for another and another, washing the rest of the carrots and scrubbing them before continuing. Your hands are now properly stained, the beet juice, gochugaru, and carrot juice making your hands look like you are bleeding, but you don’t care. The ache from your grip, the loud thumping at the door, they don’t mean anything in this moment when it’s you feeling the give of the vegetable as it splits into finer pieces. 

“Y/N?!! HELLO ARE YOU OKAY?” 

A familiar voice bellows from the hall, another sharp thunk hitting the metal door. Seokjin. 

Your eyes rip to the clock on the oven. It’s already five minutes past six. You’ve been cutting carrots for about an hour. 

Hastily, you rinse your hands, ignoring the sting as the cold water spurts from the faucet. You grab the kitchen towel off the oven handle, and rush to the door.

You barely have it unlocked before Seokjin barges in, two large pizza boxes and a six pack of beer in his hands as he steps over the threshold. He smells faintly of mint and eucalyptus. 

Seokjin whips in your direction, scanning his eyes over your face and down your body. 

“Are you hurt? Are you okay?” His eyes are wide, his pupils blown out as he fervently looks you up and down, gasping as he takes in your hands. “What happened?”

“What? No, no I’m fine!” You hold one hand up in his direction, taking the kitchen towel and rubbing it into your palm for good measure. “They’re stained. Um, I was cutting vegetables.”

His eyes flit to the direction of the kitchen, where the light is still on and buzzing, and you can just make out the chopping board on the counter. Now assured you’re not injured, Seokjin recovers, stepping out of his shoes and padding into the kitchen.

“Whoa, you really were going to town in here with the carrots weren’t you? I thought I could smell it on you.” 

Your cheeks flood with heat. “Well, you said I had to practice.” 

Seokjin chuckles, shaking his head in amusement before holding up the six pack. “Uh, I brought beer. I don’t know if you like it or not but I feel like it goes really well with pizza.” 

You smile. “I’m not sure if getting me wasted is the solution to setting boundaries with my stream. Doesn’t alcohol lower your inhibitions?”

He cocks an eyebrow. “Are you planning on finishing off this entire six pack by yourself and getting trashed? Much less beer that is…” He squints at the packaging. “...four percent alcohol?” 

You laugh. “No, I suppose not. Thank you.” You take the case from his hands and pluck two bottles from the cardboard before putting the rest in the fridge. Holding the cold bottle in your hands, you grimace. 

“What’s wrong? Do you not like this brand?” Seokjin asks. 

You shake your head. “No, it’s not that. Um, I don’t really drink often so I don’t actually own a bottle opener.” 

Seokjin frowns and looks around your kitchen, grazing his hand along the chipped laminate counters. Then he takes the bottle in his hand and whacks it down on the counter edge on an angle. The cap pops off, a subtle wisp of fog puffing from the top. He smirks, proud. He gestures for you to hand him your bottle. 

With ease, he pops off the second cap and deposits it back into your hands. 

Your jaw hangs slack. “Wh-how did you do that?” you ask. 

He chuckles. “There’s a science to it, angles. I’m just glad I didn’t take a chunk of the counter with me. I’ve done that before.” 

“And you risked my counter top just now?” 

He snorts. “Come on, did anything happen? A little bit of trust would be nice, Y/N.” He glances at the giant bowl of cut carrots. “Well, you’ve certainly improved. What are you going to make with all those?” 

You pull your lips into a thin line. You hadn’t thought about it. Your silence seems to tip Seokjin off to that as well, because after a sip of beer, he sets his bottle on the back end of the counter, rolling up his sleeves and scooting over to the sink to wash his hands. 

“What are you doing?” you ask. 

“Cooking,” he replies simply. “Do you have flour? Green onions?” 

You nod. “Okay, get those. I’ll also need some soybean paste if you have it, vegetable oil, salt, and sugar.” 

You furrow your brows. You know this recipe from the restaurant. “You’re making jeon? But, we already have pizza.” 

“We can have the pizza as an appetizer. Jeon will be the main course.”  

You laugh. “How much do you think I eat?” 

“Not much. But you see, I am very hungry.” Heat shoots to your core. You glance over at Seokjin, who is looking at you amused as he squeezes the carrots between his hands to wring out the excess juice.

You didn’t really notice before, but Seokjin looks effortlessly cool, a loose pink linen button down framing his broad shoulders. He’s left the top two buttons undone, exposing the white t-shirt he wears underneath. Lighter wash jeans cover his strong thighs. If a stranger ever passed him on the street, they might think he’s too cool for them, too serious or vain.

But, there are notes of him everywhere in this outfit that suggests the break in the persona. One of the buttons in the middle of his shirt has popped open, a few hairs on the back of his head are cowlicked out of place, and on his feet are a pair of neon green Chikorita Pokemon socks. You find it impossible to hide your amusement. 

“Ah, got it. Nice socks by the way,” you joke, trying to distract from the singing heat and close proximity. You can’t help but think about the last time you and Seokjin were in such confined spaces and how that ended up. “Didn’t know you were going to use your feet later to guide an airplane into landing.” 

“Well, I figured it was a necessary backup in case your hands weren’t bright enough.” He nods toward you. You laugh. 

“Touch��.” 

You open your upper cabinet. The paper bag of flour sits on the middle shelf, which you usually climb onto the counter to reach, but with Seokjin in the kitchen, there’s even less space than usual. You stretch, lifting onto your tiptoes. Your fingertips brush the bag, but it’s not enough to move it. As you try to angle yourself better, you see two large hands come above yours, Seokjin easily grabbing the flour off the shelf to set down onto the counter. 

You feel his body heat behind you, his shirt brushing the small of your back from where your own rode up during your stretch, and a swell of goosebumps rise on your arms from the gentle tickle. 

“There,” Seokjin says softly into your ear, almost breathless. “Don’t want to have any more kitchen related incidents, do we?” Too soon, he moves away, his warmth, the subtle note of his cologne fading into the smell of the green onions he’s set next to your not-so-glorious prep space. 

Suddenly, he scoffs. You turn toward him. “What?”

“Really, Y/N? Have you learned nothing?” The heat in your core immediately dissipates, welcoming a familiar sour stroke of shame as you try to put together what you’ve missed. How did you fuck this up? What haven’t you learned? When you focus on what he’s pointing at, you realize he isn’t angry. He’s teasing you. 

Your knife is unsheathed on the cutting board, abandoned in your haste to let him in. “When are you ever going to learn basic kitchen safety?” he laughs. The prick of embarrassment dissolves, Seokjin’s laugh soothing the ache.

You smile and shrug. “In my defense, I didn’t have the time to put it away or in the sink because you were disturbing the peace by practically breaking my door down.” 

He rolls his eyes and sighs. “Well excuse me for wanting to ensure your safety. Now where’s that soybean paste?”

Seokjin had been sitting on, or practically in your couch for the last twenty minutes as you ran through various scenarios and questions you were likely to experience while streaming. Your old couch was comfy, but as you’d practiced longer, he felt he was shrinking, the cushions settling further and further down. That, he thought, was probably going to hurt to climb out when the time came. 

Despite the size and outdated condition your apartment was in, he was fascinated with how you’d chosen to decorate it, as if everything had its own place. You had an impressive collection of colorful books on a bookshelf, framed in with little knick-knacks and figurines of your favorite characters or collectibles. One large sunny window was decorated with stickers that acted as prisms, sending rainbow beams across your floor at a certain point in the day. A photo of a very young you and two people he assumed were your parents leaning against a guard rail over a canyon was framed and hung next to a giant plastic fish. 

No, you didn’t have much. It was clear you’d thrifted or trash picked most of the furniture in your apartment, with the exception of your computer setup. You’d taken him into your bedroom to show him what system you used, how you’d built your system based on the specifications of your mod, who Seokjin now knew, was also your best friend Wonwoo. 

But Seokjin couldn’t help but revel in how well cared for and cozy this small place was, so different from the cold floors of his own apartment. It reminded him of the tiny place he used to live in with his parents. It was familiar, safe. 

When he’d come in, he did worry something was wrong. You weren’t one to not answer, attentive in the restaurant to everyone, often whipping your head in someone’s direction the second you heard the first sound of your name slip through someone’s lips. When you didn’t answer, he’d wondered if you’d been injured or worse. As much as he tried not to judge your building, he was a little concerned about the safety precautions put in place. He’d walked straight in, no lock on the front door, no door man. Everyone’s names were blatantly listed on their mailboxes. If anyone wanted to find you, it wouldn’t be hard to do so. 

But you were fine, and the acrid worry that had bloomed in him during those five minutes of you not answering had dissolved once he saw your bright smile, and the even brighter colored stains on your hands. 

They were still blotchy, though a few runs under the sink with dish soap was helping them fade. As you feathered a hand through your hair, he found himself grinning. The fact that you had acquired a bulk bag of carrots and used them for practice was so endearing to him. He never doubted your dedication to work, but the fact that you were using the techniques he taught you in your kitchen had brightened something in Seokjin he hadn’t even known felt dark. 

And he also couldn’t ignore the sense of pride he had as you practically moaned into the jeon you two had made together, the crispy texture and roll of hot oil over your tongue invoking something in you Seokjin couldn’t help but be drawn to. You loved to eat. It was one of the first things he noticed about you, and as creepy as it sounded, also what stoked those first wisps of attraction. 

You loved food the way he did, without care, or at least without care the way most people who he was raised around cared. No, you didn’t eat a lot, but when you did, you were all in, bare hands sticky after eating peaches, their juice dribbling down your chin and forearms, joyful hums when you bit into your favorite crunchy snacks from the convenience store. 

He remembered growing up the ways in which women, even his mother, were almost afraid of food, afraid of how they would spend hours in the kitchen making heaps of it, pounds of fresh kimchi, grilled fish, decadent soups with tofu and mushrooms and packets of ramyeon, and yet when it was time to eat, they were too busy too or suddenly not hungry, or they would eat a few bites and excuse themselves from the table to clean up. 

It was sad, really. Because Seokjin ate and ate fully, and maybe because he wasn’t a woman he didn’t need to worry about his body that way, or maybe because he always had some insane metabolism that didn’t impose weight like it did with others, but it never hit him the same. He loved food. 

And clearly so did you, delighted in the meal he gave you, even eliciting a groan as you washed down a bite with your beer. It was like you were grateful for every bite of food that ever entered your mouth.

“You were right. This does taste better together,” you said. He was practically beaming. 

He glanced down at the pile of jeon. They weren’t bad, but they were a little uneven. While cooking, he’d noticed that something was a bit off about your kitchen. Your oven and everything else were a bit titled, and it pooled the jeon batter toward one end, making them thicker on one side and harder to cook properly. Your fridge door also was dented, having the similar issue of the weight pushing things to one side. He made a mental note to shove some cardboard under the floor pegs later to help level the appliances. 

Your counter situation, though, he couldn’t help. You would just have to keep with your barricade at the end to avoid rolling. But you seemed to be savvy in how you solved the various erroneous features of your apartment, making the best of what you had. 

In fact, as Seokjin sat in the crook of your massive couch, he noticed why this side was so sunken; it was the only spot you could actually see the TV from this angle. He wondered if he could shuffle it a little bit more in a better view while you were streaming later, or if you would even notice. 

You hovered next to the couch, your bottom lip worried between your teeth. You were nervous about something. 

“What is it?” He asked. The time for your stream was growing nearer, and he’d promised he would stay for at least the first half, setting up his laptop in your living room. 

“What am I doing?” you groaned and flopped down on the floor, a frustrated wail muffling into the carpet. 

“Testing yourself and growing. Listen, Y/N, you know you don’t have to do this, but we’ve been over it daily at this point. You want more money and this is what you’ve decided is the most viable option. After-Dark type streams do make a lot more money, you want to exercise more freedom with yourself, do I need to go on?” 

You shook your head. Seokjin chuckled. 

“Okay, so–yah, sit up!” You bolted off the carpet and folded your legs underneath you. 

“So, you know I’m going to be out here if you need anything. If you need me, I’m just on the other side of that door. Also, we’ve been practicing, right?”

“I know, I just…I’m not like you. I’m not confident, I’m not really easygoing or likable like you are. I can’t dom–command a room or everyone’s attention with my charisma how you can. I’m worried that if I don’t give people what they ask for, they’re just going to leave.”

Seokjin scoffed. He knew that on the outside, in the context of work that you were used to seeing him in, he appeared in charge and control at all times. It was part of the job, to be well tempered and fair and even, maintain a sense of friendliness but firmness, it was common sense. But much of his advice today wasn’t coming from that version of him you knew. A lot of this was insight and experience he’d gained as Jin, who he needed to be to ensure he was meeting his tip goals, or needing to remind everyone he was the one in charge, not them. 

Even at work last week, when Seokjin needed to call the distributor because there was some issue with a shipment of produce, it was Jin he was channeling to make the call. If it were Seokjin, he would have been a sweaty, nervous mess. Jin was business, Jin was the one who laid down the law. Seokjin himself? 

He was the youngest Kim son, the one who, when his parents’ friends and family members thought he wasn’t listening, gossiped about. Why wasn’t he married? Didn’t he have that fiancée for a while? Oh she had a baby with another man? His boss? Well surely that has been long enough now, right? He had another girlfriend, or found some other salaryman career. At 30, it would be kind of sad if his life wasn’t going anywhere. 

And that’s where Seokjin was, after all. Single, a sex worker, or temporary restaurant manager. This morning he’d received a text in the family group chat from his brother with a photo of his nephew kissing his sister-in-law’s bump. He loved his nephew, he loved his brother and was happy for their little family. But he also felt hollow as he opened that picture, like some part of him knew he was never going to truly get to have that for himself. 

“Hey,” he said, and your eyes flitted from the floor back to him. “First of all, if they leave they leave, right? Those aren’t the people you want to be on your streams because their energy sucks and they’ll just keep asking more of you. Second,” he cleared his throat, “you are likable. Otherwise you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place, having viewers and subscribers. There has to be a part of you that is genuine there, otherwise everyone will know you’re lying and move away from you. Don’t they say something about how all the best lies are rooted in truth?” 

“But I’m not trying to lie to them,” you said meekly. 

Seokjin internally kicked himself for saying that. Perhaps suggesting that you lie to everyone wasn’t the best move. 

“I know, I mean, that you don’t offer all of yourself, but offer the parts of you that you know are there that are stable. And for the rest of it, fake it until you make it. Until you can feel confident as a streamer, able to set boundaries. Pretend you’re someone else. The person you want to be.” he amended. 

Jin was some of the best parts of Seokjin. Maybe even better. Self-assured, knowledgeable about sex and sexuality in ways he hadn’t been when he was with Soon Yi, he could say no to things he’d never been able to say no to his boss about, and things he couldn’t say no to now because the restaurant wasn’t technically his. There were things he could do, ways he could slip some power in there or make decisions, but nothing was really his. Not the way streaming was. That was all for him. And while yes, his friends knew he did it and supported him in their own way (thankfully most of them did not tune in but on occasion Jungkook and Taehyung would hop on when completely wasted to goad him to “release the beast”), it was still a success that couldn’t be shared publicly, even though he didn’t really want to share it anyway, and didn’t really feel successful. 

“Is that what you did? Faked it until you made it? Until you were the person you wanted to be?” 

His blood ran cold. Were you reading his thoughts? Did you know? 

“W-what?” 

Oh god, what if you knew? Seokjin would rush out into the night and dig his own grave. Because if anyone else knew what he did, if his parents found out or his brother or you, he was sure he would become the worst parts of himself. A failure again. Once more someone to be quietly gossiped about in rooms when he was in full range of hearing what they had to say. He couldn’t imagine anything more humiliating than you seeing him, your own boss, with a bright pink dildo shoved up his ass as he pandered to thousands of people with whimpers and cries. Especially when he just spent the better half of an hour telling you that you didn’t need to pander to anyone. 

Would you think less of him for it? Would you ask him why he was doing gay streaming of all things? His face flushed, probably turning incredibly red with embarrassment. 

“With the restaurant,” you said. 

He swallowed the thick lump that had formed in his throat and coughed. 

“Y-yes,” he stammered. “What you see there. It’s not really me all the time. I’m not always all that confident. But I want to be.” 

You nodded quietly and stretched your arms over your head. “That makes sense,” you said as you began to pace. “Okay.” 

You still had another two hours before your stream was set to start, and Seokjin could tell you were still on edge. He took a deep breath when you turned away, letting the rush of air into his lungs help cool his face.  

“Seokjin?” you asked.

“Yeah?” 

“Will you stay until it’s over? I know it’ll be late, and it’s a big ask, but maybe we can eat leftover pizza and debrief?” 

He smiled. “Of course.” 

He couldn’t imagine a better way to spend his night, and probably early morning if he was honest. Your streams could go well into the wee hours of the morning, and while tomorrow while opening he’d probably be kicking himself for this, right now he didn’t care about anything except the warm tug he felt in his chest as he imagined the two of you sitting on the floor with cold pizza and laughter at 3a.m. 

“Thank you. Also, do you think we could have another beer or something? I need to take the edge off. I know I’m overthinking it but I need something to distract me before this stream or I might not show up.” 

You didn’t wait for his permission, probably because you weren’t asking for it. You slid into the kitchen and back out with two more cold beers. 

“Will you show me how to open these again? I want to try.” 

Seokjin struggled a bit against the dip of your couch, but eventually found himself level and close to you, so close in fact that the soft scent of your shampoo was once again permeating his nostrils. 

You were intoxicating to him, honestly, and he found himself unable to help himself as he squeezed behind you in your tiny kitchen, inhaling partially into your hair as he walked you through the process. 

You fiddled with the bottle for a second, holding yourself at an awkward angle. 

“Like this?” 

If you did it at this angle, you would be sure to cause the beer to explode, the cap wouldn’t get enough traction to pop off easily. 

“Not unless you want to participate in a wet t-shirt contest,” he joked before he even realized how sexually charged that comment was. 

You inhaled a little sharply. 

He cleared his throat. “Anyway, you’re a little stiff here.” Then, very carefully, he rested his hands onto your hips, gently maneuvering you so you were able to prop your arm up and out of his way so you wouldn’t elbow him in the ribs when you slammed the bottle down. 

He kind of hated himself when he had to let go of your waist. His fingers were tingling simply from brushing them along the seam of your shirt, from feeling the warm curve of your hip under his fingers. Why did his hands feel so at home on your body?

Your sharp movement pushed him out of his reverie as you launched the bottle down onto the counter top, the soft plink and your sparkling eyes confirming you were successful. 

That’s my girl, he thought. Only you weren’t his girl. You couldn’t be further from his. And as soon as he thought it, he also felt the soft ache in his chest knowing that you would probably never be his. Because you couldn’t. Because you were without a doubt too good for him, and Seokjin knew all that stood between you and the right guy was time. An opportunity. You walk into the right place some day and then boom, there he will be. 

He fucking hated that guy already. 

You popped the second cap from the bottle and turned around, shoving your body directly into him as you beamed with pride. “See! I did it!” You looked so adorable, your eyelashes long and fluttering as you gazed up at him. 

A smile cracked through his gloom. You were like a little sunbeam to him. 

“You did,” he acknowledged, and he took the bottle you offered, taking a swig. He waited for you to make the next move, to dislodge your body from the cramped corner of the kitchen, for the magnetic pull of your body to signal it was too close, too intimate so one of you would break away. 

But neither of you did. In fact you sighed and moved closer to him, forcing the small of Seokjin’s back to rest up against the handle bar of the oven. It wasn’t comfortable at all, but he didn’t dare move. 

“Can I ask you something?” You asked quietly after a while, staring down at the bottle. 

“Sure,” he responded. 

You nibbled your bottom lip then sighed again, unsure. He felt your warm exhale hit his forearms. Did you really not realize how close you were to him? The smell of you, even that tiny hit of beer breath, was starting to drive him insane. 

You shifted yourself even closer. 

“Um, it’s going to sound embarrassing to ask this but I just have to.” 

Your voice was low now, a tiny whisper coming out of you. Fuck, you were perfect. 

“Go ahead,” he whispered back, smirking. “I won’t judge you.”

“Okay, um. Are you…are you bi?” 

“Am I by what?” 

You fidgeted uncomfortably and pulled back slightly. You raised your eyebrows. 

“No, not by as in near, I mean bi as in like, you know, bisexual?” You shifted your gaze away, and then Seokjin felt the question sink in. 

He was such a fucking idiot. 

God, this is one of the most awkward interactions you’ve ever had in your life and you feel yourself getting hotter and more embarrassed by the second.

Standing in your tiny cramped kitchen, you decided now for no good reason was the best time to ask Seokjin if he’s bisexual. Or really if he’s gay. Because you need to know. Need answers. Or a confirmation that will help kill this crush for good because as of tonight? It’s much, much worse. 

Something about watching him cook earlier, specifically in your kitchen, did something to you. The way he touched your hips to show you how to do that beer opening trick, how he looked slumped into your couch, the way he hovered over your bookshelves and belongings with curiosity, and laughed hysterically over Barry once he pressed the button. 

He fits here. In your apartment. It isn’t just some stupid fantasy version of him you could imagine. He is real and beautiful and fits into this corner of your life like a perfect puzzle piece. 

And if he’s gay, if there’s no chance that he can give you even the fantasy of this, then it all needs to stop. But it’s also so unfair for you to ask this of him. What if he’s not out? What if you’re forcing him to come out and no one knows and all because your insatiable horniness led you to a gay streaming site where you found him now his livelihood and privacy are technically in jeopardy?

Fuck. You can’t do that to him. And suddenly you’re aware of what you just did, how uncool this was for you to just out and ask. Heat claws into your throat as you sit in this shock of silence, clamping down on your airway and leaving your voice in a reedy wheeze as you try to take back your inquiry.

“I–I’m sorry, you don’t need to answer! I’m out of line. Really, I shouldn’t have even asked. Jesus, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” you splutter, heart beating erratically, a line of perspiration beginning to form at the back of your neck at an insane speed. How humiliating. 

“Whoa, whoa, it’s okay. Relax. Breathe,” Seokjin says. You force a ragged inhale but find yourself coughing, gasping to try to find air in this room that is too small and a million degrees warmer. 

You are standing in the hallway outside of the bathroom, rasping for air into your lungs. Your mother has just come home from work, shouting about how you haven’t remembered to take the chicken out of the freezer or done any of the chores she’d asked you to while she was gone. 

The day has gotten away from you, a hot summer that is so oppressive no one even wants to go outside. You would get all she asked of you done and more before she returned home. The chicken would be thawed, you’d vacuum and mop the floors, would even wipe down the bathroom sink from all the hair she and your father left in it during his morning shave. 

And then you would go to your friend’s house tonight, for the sleepover you’ve been dreaming of, eat lots of candy that her father would bring home from work that yours never let you have. You could tell her about the boy whose parents own the convenience store at the end of the street, and how all summer you’ve been finding an excuse to run up to the shop with your allowance to get a pack of gum or snacks or a can of iced tea you would have to chug outside before you even walked home anyway. 

You start junior high this fall. Your period started this spring. Everything around you is changing. Your legs are stocky and getting fuller. Hair is starting to grow everywhere. Your breasts are no longer flat on your chest and while you know all of this is happening, you know why and what is going to happen, that doesn’t change how awful all this feels. Your baby fat isn’t baby fat anymore, and the oils of your skin, your hair, your smell? It all is changing so fast and you hate it. You want to hide. And at least having this boy down the street to talk to, Wonwoo, who makes you feel less like you want to crawl outside of yourself. 

Him, and all the books you’ve been reading. Ones where they’re older, girls who you’ll be like soon. Who go to school, and date and have families with problems just like your family has problems. Who run into the woods and fall in love with other families. Who find belonging. There’s comfort there, and that’s why despite all your promises to make the house clean for your mom this morning, you forgot. Because you’d fallen into the world of your book. 

And now, your mother has told you that you can’t go to your sleepover anymore. Can’t get away from the house and the heat and your body and the ongoing argument you know your parents are having about finances that they shout about when you’re in the shower and they think you can’t hear them. You can’t eat fun secret snacks or talk about boys or pretend for a second that this isn’t your life. Because it is.  

Your throat closes up, the dim lights of the hallway outside the bathroom feel like they’re flickering. 

“I told you. I reminded you multiple times! Now we don’t have dinner. Unless you’d like to think of something?” She strips off her stockings, balling them up in her fist. “Unless you want to go out there and buy some expensive meal for us tonight?” 

Shame. This is it in its purest form. How wrong you are for not helping. For spending the whole day in your fantasy world with your new friends, ones who aren’t real. All your mother asked for was such simple things, and yet you are unable to just do what she asks. 

“When your father gets home, you can tell him why there’s no dinner ready.” 

Hot tears sting your eyes and you gasp for air. Your father? If he’s having a hard day today, if his boss or his co-workers didn’t recognize him for that presentation he spent all those late nights at the dinner table preparing, you know how this will end. Your father is a fair man, but even he has his limits. 

And sometimes that means that the things you love, the things that you covet, they go missing. Precious dolls that you’ve had over the years have disappeared when you were being careless with them, leaving them around in the hallway for him to step on. Once,  you left your birthday gift from your aunt, a purple Skip-It, on the sidewalk during a Spring rain shower and when you went to bring it in, it had vanished. 

You’d found it in the garbage bin, the ankle loop and cord snapped into pieces. 

When your father gets home, he’ll go for your book. He knows just which one it is. You had started it last night and he asked you about it. 

You push off the wall of the hallway, swallowing the bile down your throat. You have to hide it, to take it somewhere. 

You want to leave. Your eyes dart around the room. Anywhere but here, you can’t let him see how much more embarrassing it is now that he knows you’re anxious. A lump in your throat continues to constrain the air. You can feel your pulse in it, pulling acid up from the depths of your stomach. 

You rip another breath from your chest and try to propel yourself across the room, across the universe, but your feet won’t budge. Your muscles are locked in this bump of panic, leaden and unyielding. 

Somewhere in the fuzziness, Seokjin has moved but already returned, and you feel a set of cool hands on your cheeks as he comes into focus, gently stroking behind your ears and saying something to you. 

“–ow that it’s hard but I need you to breathe, Y/N. Breathe with me. Can you do that?”

His face is concerned, and it twists your stomach even further. He shouldn’t be doing this. You should remember how to fucking breathe on your own. But then again, isn’t that why he’s here anyway? Because you can’t do shit on your own? Can’t hold boundaries, can’t stay in school or keep it together. Can’t live somewhere nicer where you don’t smell the stomach-turning stench of the sink’s old plumbing next to you, metallic and stale. And definitely can’t even remember how to mind your business or breathe like a person. 

You rush down the hall, into the living room, snapping the book off the couch. You shove it behind a cushion. 

Your father walks in the door, and from the look on his face, you can tell the presentation didn’t go well. 

“What’s all this?” he snaps, and gestures to the left-out vacuum and the bucket of water you’d gathered earlier. All the bubbles from the soap have long popped, leaving a heavy, sickening floral scent in the room from the solution. 

“I, oh–”

“Your daughter spent all day reading instead of doing her chores. So unless you have a McDonald’s hamburger in your briefcase, we have nothing for dinner.” Your mother interjects, huffing as she heads into your parents bedroom and slams the door behind her.  

Your father’s eyes narrow, and this is how it begins. He and your mother slamming, stomping, hitting, and crashing in every interaction they have with an inanimate object around you.

He chucks his suitcase onto the table of the small dining area, then whips open the fridge door a few feet away. 

“Y/N, come here.” 

You tiptoe in behind him, needing desperately to do the opposite of him, to show that you aren’t mad that they’re mad. That you understand exactly what you did wrong. 

But it doesn’t matter, does it? They’re going to show you anyway. He moves aside and you peer into the fridge. 

“What do you see in there?” he asks, restrained. 

“Um, some celery, lettuce, dressing, milk…”

He growls, indicating that this isn’t the right answer. You’re wrong again. “Food, Y/N. This is food. That your mother and I work hard to put on the table so you can sit around and read your books. Food that needs to be eaten. Do you understand?” 

You say nothing. You know the question is rhetorical. 

“So, when we ask so little of you to simply take the food out of the freezer or fridge and thaw it, how can it be so hard? Hm? Here let me show you.” 

He reaches in, and begins pulling and pulling the veggies, marinades, dressings, milk, eggs, cheeses and meats, and crowding the counter top. You’re frozen, unable to walk away, to ask him to stop. 

When he’s done, he looks at you. 

“See? Not so hard, huh? And if you were helpful to us, none of this would have happened. Honestly, your selfishness sometimes,” he says. “Now, go get me that book of yours. I think you know you haven’t earned it right now.” 

You should go peel it out from under the couch cushions. Should hand it to him, then put all the groceries back away, because you know he’s not going to do it with you here. You should apologize. Accept punishment.

But instead, you’re nauseous and shaking and sobbing. 

He waits expectedly. And then he shoves past you to your room, beginning to hunt through your clothes on the floor, under your bed. 

“Where is it Y/N?” 

You don’t follow him. Instead, you run. You grab the book from behind the cushion, shove your shoes onto your feet and run into the heat of the ending day with it in your hands, the heat from the sidewalk still boiling up underneath you. 

Your parents don’t run out the door or into the street behind you. They stay in your home, possibly putting it back together. But you don’t care. You run, until you see the light of the convenience store and your lungs feel like they’re going to collapse. 

Inside the cool air, Wonwoo is helping his father place drinks from their crates into the refrigerator. His eyes are wide as you plow in. 

You have so much you want to tell him, so much worry in your chest. Your cheeks are hot and your body is sweaty. Nothing is coming out. Just the hum of the fridges, and Wonwoo’s father rushing to get his mother. 

“Are you okay?” Wonwoo asks, and you can’t do anything to answer, just stare at his soft face as you well up with tears. You shove the book toward him wordlessly. 

“Y/N, what’s going on?” he asks again, and you inhale steeply but choke on the air. A bubble of saliva clods your tongue. 

“Please, take this. Hide it,” you urge. He holds his hands out and takes the book. 

“Um, okay. Tuck Everlasting, I’ve never read this one.” He looks back up at you and winces. 

“Hey, hey, breathe Y/N. You need to breathe.” 

Seokjin is standing in front of you, coaxing breaths from you, wasting his time after cooking you dinner like it’s something you deserve. Like you’re not just doing all of this anyway because you can’t control yourself to not have feelings for him. Tears singe your eyes and you gasp another shallow breath. 

“Shh, shh, it’s okay. I’m not mad. I promise I’m not mad.” Seokjin breaks through your thoughts, his voice gentle, and almost like he hears you in this silent exchange, some constant that is numbing this spiral. You feel yourself inhale a little more fully as you understand he’s not upset or annoyed. “Good, you’re doing good. Let’s breathe another breath, okay?” 

You can’t look away. Even if you wanted to, Seokjin’s touch is keeping you focused completely on him, his soft and kind eyes, his plush lips that he’s holding in a slight frown that won’t shake. One that you can tell is worry. 

“Another breath, sweetheart. Good, good girl. That’s really good, Y/N. Okay, keep doing that for a second okay?” One hand releases from your cheek, and you find yourself pressing harder into the other, needing him to touch you and keep guiding you back, needing that security of him. 

He doesn’t move it away, in fact he pushes himself closer, holds the weight of you in his palm tenderly, and then you see in your periphery what he moved to get: a glass of water. 

“I want you to take three small sips of this for me, okay? Slowly.” He holds the rim of the cup up to your lips, tilting it slightly. You open your mouth slightly, letting a trickle of cold water flood into the hot cavern of your mouth, extinguishing so much of the tight, fiery panic that moves through the rest of your body. 

You do as he says, sipping and swallowing slowly until he pulls the glass away and sets it down behind you. 

“You with me?” he whispers, and you breathe. 

“Yes,” you say. 

“Can I touch your arm?”

You’re not sure why he’s asking, so you knit your brow and gaze up at him, confused. 

“What?”

“Can I touch your arm? I want to move us out of the kitchen and into your bedroom if that’s okay?” His voice is still quiet, and you realize that the hum of the light is so loud it’s almost drowning him out, almost drowning you again. 

Your eyes flash wide and you nod. You see him relax a little, and slowly Seokjin untangles the web of your bodies away from the kitchen, into the cool air of your living room. Why is it so cold? 

Seokjin guides you through it, and through the doorway to your bedroom. Before you even realize it, he’s unbuttoning his pink shirt and draping it over you. 

“Is this okay? You’re shaking.” 

You go to tell him yes, of course it’s okay, and then notice your teeth are gritted tight from trying not to chatter. 

You take another breath. “Yes,” you squeak. 

He pulls down the duvet and gestures for you to sit. “I’m going to put this blanket on you so I can help you warm up.” You feel the soft, heavy weight and start to feel a little better. But without Seokjin holding you, tethering you back into your body, you feel like you might float away any second. You shoot him a panicked look and he seems to understand, drawing the blanket back so he is also swaddled in it, the two of you knee to knee as he pinches the blanket closed with his fist. 

“You can touch me if you’d like,” he says, and this, you realize, is what you need. 

You immediately shift forward, putting your face into his white t-shirt, inhaling that minty, fresh cologne he wears. You can feel his chest rising and falling slowly, evenly, and you match your breathing to his, hoping soon your heartbeat slows to the same rate. Your hands twist into his shirt but it’s not enough. You find one of his hands and take it, lacing your fingers together and resting them in your lap. 

The heaviness is nice, stabilizing, but you know you still need something more. 

“Seokjin?” Your voice sounds foreign to you. 

“Yeah?” 

“Will you hold me for a minute?” 

His hand untangles from yours and he moves to place it around your back, but with you two cross legged and facing each other, it’s an awkward embrace. 

“I’m sorry, this is such a weird position. If you’re okay with it, you can sit in my lap? If you want? And then I can just hold you for a second?” 

You nod and sit up, unfolding your legs and wiggling yourself up so you are on his lap. You wrap your legs around his back, then your arms. And then you feel his arms around you, his fingers lazily tracing the length of your spine. 

You feel yourself sinking deeper back into the safety of your body. 

You both sit like this for a long time. So long that you feel yourself starting to grow hazy and sleepy. Seokjin is warm and soft and so soothing. You feel like you’re untangling from a sharp web that has been trapping you for a long time. And when your alarm for your stream goes off, you turn off your phone. 

“You okay?” Seokjin asks and you huff out a sigh. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry for all the dramatics.” You slide yourself out of his grip and flop back onto your bed, propping yourself up on your elbow. 

“What do you mean? You weren’t being dramatic, Y/N, you had a panic attack.” 

“Yeah, over asking you a highly personal question I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry for that too.” 

“I’m not-it’s-look. Panic attacks aren’t ever just one thing. It’s always a compounding of stress and anxiety and other thoughts and feelings. You just came across the one thought or feeling that forced everything to collapse. And I can guess based on how much you’re apologizing, it was probably you doing that shit inside and beating yourself up that knocked all the rest of this stuff down. I told you, I’m not mad. Or insulted that you asked.” 

He goes on. “Which, by the way, I’m not bi or gay. I’m very straight. But that’s not the point. The point is, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You asked me a question. I have a right to choose to answer it or not. So there’s your answer. And also, you are never dramatic to me. Panic attacks are fucking scary; you felt like you were dying, right?” 

You nod. “Drowning, yeah.” 

He gives you a sympathetic smile. “Yeah, those things are no joke. But you came out on the other side of it.”

“Not without your help though. You seem like you know a lot about these when they happen. Do you get them too?” 

He flushes. “Uh, no, I don’t personally. My friend Yoongi has them sometimes. He taught me a lot about how to help him with them. The cold water trick really is from him. And then also when Soon Yi and I were together, she would have them, but those were a bit different.” He looks down at his hands. 

Soon Yi. So that’s her. The person Seokjin has often stopped himself talking about. The one who his parents would occasionally refer to as “that woman” during shifts when he wasn’t around. No one ever said her name, almost like she was some kind of curse and you always were curious why. You assumed she must be the devil incarnate the way his mother would sling a bunch of insults after she was mentioned, but the way Seokjin now says her name so casually, so personally, you aren’t entirely sure if he sees her that way. 

Parents usually carry a greater grudge than their child who was hurt. Your own father has told you on various occasions that the guy you dated for one summer in undergrad, who coincidentally is his barber’s nephew, will never be allowed in his house ever again. Forget the fact that there’s no reason he would be invited over in the first place. Whenever you’re catching up with your parents on the phone, if he has recently visited his barber, he’s sure to bring it up. “Scum is never allowed in my house! He will just drag his filth in with him!”

Thinking of your father and mother right now forces you to wince. Maybe it’s the freshness of these memories, of you realizing now that what happened to you that day as a child wasn’t you being dramatic, as they had insisted even after you’d gotten home. Everything had been put back into place when you’d returned after the sunset, even the bucket and vacuums put away. Your parents never apologized or talked about it again. 

And your friend, she didn’t talk to you after that either, claiming you were flaky and rude for blowing her off. 

Your father doesn’t even refer to your ex by name, similar to Seokjin’s mother. “That Woman”. “Scum”. If there was ever a name tied to these people, it’s clearly gone in the haze of whatever angry frenzy your parents carry. “Scum” also didn’t even do anything wrong. You broke things off with him, but because you came home crying after the breakup, now that is his legacy. 

But Seokjin’s mother, how she behaves, you’re not sure that it’s for the same reasons. You’ve seen firsthand how much she adores her children, and “adoration” is a word you aren’t so sure applies to your family.

Soon Yi, too, it’s clear she was not just a blip on the screen in Seokjin’s life. The hushed, angry chatter between his parents, the way his mother would often get so worked up she would start punching her shoulder and clicking her tongue, saying she needed to go sit down. That’s not a Scum-level relationship. You wonder how close she was to Seokjin. Closer than you two are becoming, clearly. 

“Soon Yi,” you repeat to yourself, still lost in the haze of putting things together.

“Um, my ex.” Seokjin says, and you feel heat rise in your cheeks as you realize he heard you. “We were engaged. For a while.” 

“Oh.”

You want to ask how long he means by a while? Did they break up right before you joined the restaurant? Or was this from many years ago? It’s odd in a way to think of how Seokjin has lived a completely different life from the time before you knew him. He loved someone, enough to marry them, to start a life together, to know she had panic attacks and how to help her. 

Did he place her in his lap the same way he did with you? Did he sit with her in the dull winter light of their bedroom and talk like this? 

He had to have. Why wouldn’t he? Your stomach dips. Were you under some impression that this thing you’re experiencing–the closeness of his body, the soft thrum of his heart, that tiny whistle in his throat that breaks through the room as he speaks–would be special?   

The dim light of the lamp on your bedside table makes the deep browns of his eyes look even darker, and he watches you as you stretch your legs out in front of you, your foot shifting a bit to rest up against his thigh. His eyes flicker toward it and then back to you.

“How, when did you guys break up? I didn’t know you were engaged,” you ask gently. He sighs, and then slumps a bit, the careful, rigid posture he was holding for so long finally loosening a bit with his exhale. He bends his knees and pulls his legs up, glancing to the other side of your bed. 

You pat the spot next to you, turning over so he knows it’s no imposition. 

And it’s not, not in the slightest. If you weren’t so fried and exhausted after that panic attack, your brain might try to imbue some innuendo into this moment, but for now, this is all you can do, and you want that ache in your stomach to go away. You want to feel like this is special. 

Seokjin flops down into the pile of oddball plushies and pillows next to you and you snort, smiling as he carefully tucks the plushie he smashed in his landing into his arms. 

“I’m sure my parents have talked about her enough times for you to know everything,” he scoffs. 

“Not really. I didn’t know her name. I just thought she was some girlfriend you had that she hated because she was keeping you away from her. You know, the same way your mother also says that the really old lady down the road who sells flowers keeps your dad away from her.”

He smirks at this, and his fingers rove over the marble eyes of the plushie. 

“My mother would blame the sun if it kept her family away from her. She’s been messaging the group chat nonstop for updates from my hyung’s wife about the pregnancy. And she’s supposed to be somewhere in Iceland right now on a cruise. Honestly I wish she would just enjoy herself.” 

“Well, she cares. About you especially. Which is maybe why she didn’t air all of your business to me when I was mopping the floors and she counted down the drawers. She just would say that I would be better than “That Woman” but I think she might think anyone would be better than her.” 

“She said that to you? Ugh, eomma.”

She did, one late night, when Seokjin left early for “something urgent”. His mother alleged that he was dating a secret new girlfriend that he kept under wraps. 

“Honestly, he acts as if I’m going to eat her alive or something. Tsk. That son of mine, both he and his brother are going to send me to an early grave. Behind my back like this when I’m getting older by the minute. Ever since he and that woman broke up, he shut down. I tried to set him up with someone and he kept saying no! That he would find someone. But if she was any better than the others, wouldn’t he have brought her around by now,” she’d said.  

She slammed some coins back into the register. You jumped at the sound. 

She sighed. “You know what he needs? Someone like you. Someone with vision! That woman never had any of that. So much more focused on status. You’re not like that Y/N. I can tell. And that’s exactly why I hired you. You can’t teach someone that as an adult. They either have it or don’t, and you. You’ve got exactly it.” 

You didn’t really know what “it” was, but you didn’t argue, and soon she moved on to complain about something else. 

Now, knowing Seokjin’s secret, you think you know where he went that night, and it definitely wasn’t to go hide in his lover’s house. Chances were, he was streaming. And that also would explain why he shut down on her so quickly. You can’t imagine Mrs. Kim’s reaction if she found out Seokjin was a gay cam streamer. Despite being straight.  

It dawns on you. You’d been so distracted with that panic attack that you forgot already that Seokjin is in fact interested in women. Solely. Enough to have been engaged to one. 

“But, back to your story,” you prod, trying to distract yourself from the fact that now none of this feels like just friends sharing. Seokjin hisses in some air as if he agrees. 

“Right. Well, Soon Yi and I were together really in college and on. We started dating really young. Just two kids. And then we just kind of stuck together? She and I were together for a long time before I got the nerve to propose. And then…” He trails off, his face now a deeper blush. Is he embarrassed? 

You lick your lips, ready to tell him he doesn’t have to share, but he waves his hand to quiet you. 

“She cheated on me. With my boss. We were in the midst of planning the wedding and everything. I was supposed to get this big promotion at the end of some large conferences. But, I don’t know. We had grown apart. Suddenly we didn’t see eye-to-eye on anything.”

Your jaw drops, caught on that larger detail. “She cheated on you with your boss? After all that time? God, Seokjin, I'm so sorry. That’s awful.”

He smiles and nods. “That’s not even the worst part,” he says. His smile grows bigger, like this is some huge joke. “She cheated on me multiple times with him while I was away. And I caught them. Uh, you know. On my dining room table when I came back early to surprise her. I did not get the promotion by the way. But, she actually has a baby, or I guess a toddler, with him now. I heard she’s pregnant again, they’re married. It’s all some surreal life. And now I’m here.” 

“Um, you’re right, it was worse than that.” You’re really not sure what to say. Seokjin’s becoming harder to read by the second, turning this conversation into some big joke when it’s not really funny to you on your end. Maybe he’s processed it enough by now, but based on how tightly he’s now squeezing your alpaca plushie, you would wager that he doesn’t really find it funny either. 

“Is this,” you take a breath. “Is this why the other night you said you were a failure? Because of what happened with Soon Yi?” 

“Partly. I mean, it’s not like I did too great of a job keeping her satisfied. She clearly found other ways to do that.” He laughs darkly. 

“That’s not how that works you know,” you say. His eyebrows lift. 

“What do you mean?”

“What you just said. Keeping her satisfied. Isn’t it the job of being a human to keep ourselves satisfied? Find things with meaning and joy? It’s not your fault that she chose to do that. To cheat on you, to not be honest when she started feeling differently. She could have told you at any point. Did she?” 

He sighs. “Not really, no. Soon Yi wasn’t great at communicating with me about things like that. For so long, we just knew what the other person needed. Because we’d been together since we were so young, we had come up with some other kind of language. And my friends, too, they were in on it. She was not always going to tell someone how she felt but she would show them. For Jungkook’s 21st birthday she threw him an “American Stereotype” themed birthday which he was always obsessing over from the videos. Bought a bunch of red solo cups, they played that Miley Cyrus song and bought a bunch of discounted Fourth of July partyware. She was one of us.”

Even now, despite everything, Seokjin is speaking so kindly about someone who hurt him. And honestly, it throws you. You are so used to the men you’ve been around talking so poorly of their exes that you didn’t know someone could experience such a negative thing and not immediately resort to extreme name calling. 

That’s just how good Seokjin is. Enough to not be mad at you for asking questions, for panicking. Enough to speak kindly about others even if it might be eating at him. 

“That doesn’t mean it was your fault though,” you stifle a yawn. He cocks an eyebrow. 

“Maybe we should shelve this conversation for another time,” he says. 

“No, no, I want to hear. I want to know all of it.”

“You were supposed to start your scheduled stream an hour ago.” 

“Change of plans. I’m not streaming tonight.”

“Do your subs know that?” 

“Don’t call them that. They’re subscribers not subs. Sub is something you do.”

Jesus. Please don’t let him cling to that. Please don’t let that give away that I know. 

“Pfft. Okay, do your subscribers know you’re not streaming anymore?”

You roll your eyes, knowing he’s created this distance on purpose and now the moment has passed. 

Fine, you’ll get more from him about this eventually. You need to understand how Soon Yi impacted him. You don’t really know why, but you can’t help but feel like knowing more might make you feel less uneasy about all of this. About you and Seokjin and what this could all maybe mean someday. 

“I can post about it,” you say softly and he nods. 

“That might be a good idea. You’ve had a big day. A big panic attack, you probably need some sleep.” 

Your stomach sinks at the idea that he might leave after this, and you’re still not sure you want to be alone. You chew your lip.“What I really need is some pizza,” you say. 

Seokjin smirks. “Good thing for you, I know exactly where we can find some.”  

“Thank you again for the pizza,” you said, nibbling on the edge of one crust. “I didn’t think I could be that hungry after eating so much earlier.”

Seokjin took another swig of beer, shrugging. “Well, you’ve had a big day, and you burned energy and probably calories earlier.” 

Your panic attack may have seemed to you like it was coming out of nowhere, but to Seokjin, it wasn’t. He had noticed your embarrassment the second after you asked him that question, saw you spiral inside yourself as you tried to huff air. He wasn’t sure what really triggered it, but he also knew he didn’t want to leave you after that. 

He wasn’t unfamiliar to them. Yes, Yoongi had his share, and it took a little while to learn what ways he could be soothed. Soon Yi’s were different, though. A lot more similar to yours. 

When they had started experimenting sexually, there would be times in which she would fall so quickly into panic, like she couldn’t give up control. And from that point on, sometimes she would spiral deeper, into some pit of shame where whatever they were doing, even if it wasn’t super kinky, led to these shaking, sub-drop-like breakdowns. They were more rare, but they did happen, especially earlier in their relationship. 

At the time, Seokjin didn’t understand what was going on, and neither did Soon Yi. Just that she sometimes would flip on him during foreplay when he would get a little more confident and dominant, or if he started falling into a scene that she had asked them to do, using the script the way she asked, it would happen anyway. Almost like she was fighting between what she wanted and who she expected herself to be. 

And that’s in a way how you seemed to be too. Maybe you weren’t like this sexually, and he would unpack that idea later. But in this intimate space of your home, it was like Seokjin was experiencing some type of whiplash as you went from being so uncomfortable about asking about his sexuality to you lying next to him in your bed talking about his ex. 

He wasn’t mad, not in the slightest. He understood that especially after a panic attack, people were desperate for closeness and intimacy, and whatever reaction he had to your panic, you felt soothed and safe with him. He was being let into your world little by little, even if you were fighting yourself to let it happen. 

He wanted that. He wanted this: you two eating cold pizza on the floor of your living room, you chewing happily and Seokjin warm and full of life watching you do it. 

You even let him make adjustments to your space, laughing and applauding him after he ripped some of the clean cardboard from one of the pizza boxes and made shims to prop up and balance your oven and fridge. He found if he scooted the couch slightly to the left and your entertainment system got turned a few inches, you could completely see the TV from anywhere on the couch. You dove to the other side almost immediately, whooping when you realized you wouldn’t have to strain yourself to see anymore. 

You were comfortable. He made you comfortable. 

“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” you said, your hand caressing over the soft roll of your stomach to demonstrate how full you were. Then, a deep burp echoed into the room. Your eyes widened. “Oh, wow, sorry. Excuse me,” you said suppressing a chuckle. 

But Seokjin was already laughing, his body shaking at the sound. “So polite for someone who made that noise.” 

The tenseness in your shoulders fell and you gave in, laughing next to him. “Listen! It was good, and the carbonation of the beer is making me have to burp!” 

“Sure, sure. That’s what it is. You know I’ve seen those memes about how women don’t fart or burp or poop and I’m onto you! You have one strike. If you fart or shit I’m going to prove that meme false.” 

You scoff, tears leaking out the side of your eyes. “Well good thing for you, I will not deny those allegations. I don’t just poop, I shit.” 

Seokjin choked on his next sip of beer, spluttering some of it out of his nose. “Oh shit.” Tears flowed from his eyes from the sting, and he grasped for some napkins near the pizza. 

You weren’t much better off, coughing heavily into your shirt as you tried to recover. This, this was everything he could ever want. Afterward, you both cleaned up the kitchen and pizza together, finishing off the six-pack of beer until your yawns were impossible to ignore. 

“It’s really late, Y/N. You should go to sleep,” he said. He hated himself for suggesting it, almost wishing that you would extend the invitation to stay. Even then, though, he would have to decline.

“Or we could, I don’t know, play a game or something?” As you said this, you stifled another yawn. 

He chuckled. You were stalling, he could tell. And he wasn’t strong enough to say no. “Hm, okay how about this. We can hang out in your room and I’ll tell you more about me. But you have to get ready for bed first, otherwise it’s no deal.” 

Your eyelids were heavy, but you beamed anyway. “Yeah, okay.”

You went into your room, grabbing some clothes before shutting yourself into the bathroom to get ready. Seokjin paced your living room, scanning the book shelves, a variety of titles he’d never seen before in the stacks. But there was one, a smaller and thinner book that had more wear and tear than the rest. He slid it out carefully and held it in his hands. Tuck Everlasting, a book he’d read in elementary school about a teenager who met a family that drank from a tree’s magical spring and lived forever. 

Based on your copy, he could tell it was well-loved and read many times. How old were you when you read it, he wondered. Did you want to run away into the woods like he did afterward, trying to find a magical spring of your own? 

The bathroom door opened, and he carefully slotted the book back onto the shelf before turning to you. You were wearing an oversized T-shirt and some very, very short pajama shorts. Your legs looked so soft to touch. His hand twitched.

“Okay,” you said, “I’m ready.” 

Seokjin wasn’t. But he followed you into the darkness of your room anyway, laid himself down next to you on the bed as you tucked yourself under the blankets. Your eyes shimmered as you looked at him, now way more awake than you had appeared just ten minutes ago. 

Were you hustling him? 

“You need to crawl under the blankets too. Otherwise they’ll constrict me and I will absolutely not fall asleep like you have clearly planned,” you tease. 

You were hustling him. He liked it. 

He chuckled and obeyed, folding back the comforter and sheets to get in. But in doing so, he revealed you with your shorts already bunched up on your thighs, exposing your lacy panties at your hip. Your shirt was riding up, and he could see a tiny bit of your stomach peeking out. 

God fucking help him. He managed a deep breath, begging himself not to get hard, or for his body to at least wait until you wouldn’t see him getting hard and he was under the covers. This wasn’t the time. Not after all the emotionality of the day. But his dick didn’t know that. 

Your covers smelled like you, soft and even a little sweet and you really had to be fucking with him because you shoved yourself even closer to him under the covers, so that there were just a few inches between you two. He felt your body heat radiating from you. 

“There,” you sighed, and he smelled a hint of your mint toothpaste. His mouth watered. “Now, where were we?”

No, but where were you really? He didn’t remember, didn’t know where to start. And then it clicked. 

“Mmm, you were going to go to sleep I think,” he said. 

You frowned, your nose wrinkling. “No, that’s not true. Or it was. I’m not tired now.” 

“Give it a minute, I’m sure soon your eyelids won’t be able to stay open.” 

“Sure, but yours are heavy now too. So you must be tired. Now it’s a competition.” You were right. His eyelids were heavy, and he was tired. But he knew his body, especially as keyed up as he was getting, wasn’t about to let him fall asleep any time soon. 

“I think I’ll win that one,” he laughed lightly. 

“Doubt it,” you challenged, and you shifted your legs, now a little less comfy and more antsy. You slowly released a breath. 

“Are you sure you want to do this right now?” He asked, and you didn’t hesitate to nod. 

“I want to know more about you. It’s nice to put the puzzle pieces of you together in my head.” Your voice was growing husky.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay,” you replied. A beat passed. Neither of you moved to say anything, just looked at each other. 

Shouldn’t this be awkward? Shouldn’t all of this feel wrong? Somewhere in his mind, the logical response was yes, this is weird and he should leave. But then he would be leaving you after a hard day, when you clearly were trying to avoid him leaving by going so far as to keep yourself awake to stare at him. To try to get to know him. And that’s what rooted him now. He couldn’t leave even if he wanted to. Maybe you were only being needy. But he also felt needy right now. And for the moment, logic could fuck off. 

So he pushed it away, letting the parts of him he liked most bubble to the surface, the parts that led without overthinking and just acted on what he wanted. 

He moved slightly closer to you, and you blanched, a little taken aback, but you recovered quickly. “

I’m cold,” you said. He knew it was a lie. He could feel the heat of you. 

“Here,” he replied, and he pulled the blanket open slightly so you could wiggle forward, resting yourself against his chest. 

He angled himself carefully, trying so hard to avoid the rest of your bodies touching, but it was impossible, so he pulled you closer, letting every part of you rest against him. 

“Tell me,” you muttered.

“What should I tell you?” he whispered back. 

“I don’t know. Anything.” You were fading quickly, and he was relieved. Sad that he would have to go soon, but relieved that you were finally resting. 

“Okay,” he said, even softer. “I think if I ever drank from a magical spring, I would do a better job hiding it than the Tuck family did.” 

You hummed in response, and then he felt your head nod into his chest as you fell fully asleep. 

©2024 by jooniperbonsai

[insertdisc5]

Devlog #13: Achievements and Q&A (one more time)

Hello everyone! Welcome to this month’s devlog!

If you just stumbled upon this, I am Adrienne, also known as insertdisc5! I’m the developer, writer, artist, main programmer, etc of the game. The game being In Stars and Time, a timeloop RPG, which is also the next and final game in the START AGAIN series, following START AGAIN: a prologue (available here!).  You can find out more about In Stars and Time here!!! 

LET’S GET TO IT. This month has Steam achievements news, and a third round of Q&As!

I’m very happy to announce… THAT STEAM ACHIEVEMENTS HAVE BEEN IMPLEMENTED!!! That’s right, the true Gamers(™) among you will get to have fun trying to 100% the game. 

But let me tell you, trying to make steam achievements work for RPGmaker was hell. I must’ve spent 3 months trying to make the (admittedly, somewhat easy) code work. Most plugins for it just use the magic sentence “refer to [someone’s plugin] for instructions on how to do it”, and guess what? SOMEONE’S PLUGIN ISN’T ONLINE ANYMORE. So I had to figure out how to make it work with the few crumbs I found on forums. And I still couldn’t make it work!!!

Thankfully, In Stars and Time’s programmer extraordinaire Isabella Ava took one look at it and figured it out instantly. And I tried it out. And it worked. And I yelled very loudly. Thanks Isabella for saving me again!!!

(pictured above: ISAT’s testing room, and steam achievements unlocking for the first time. Yes I took a screenshot and I was so happy the screenshot is a little cropped. Adds to the experience)

There’s currently 40ish achievements that can be unlocked in In Stars and Time, I hope you will have fun getting them all!!!

Overall, development is going well, from QA to localization to porting, and many things are in the works! Like, MANY things. I hope I get to share more with everyone soon because I am so excited for everyone to see what’s in store!!! Thank you for your patience!!! 

…What? That’s it for this month? Well, no. Once again, it’s Q&A time! I asked the lovely people in In Stars And Time’s discord to send me some questions! So let’s get going! (Side note, you should join the discord channel teehee) ((Everyone is anonymous this time because it’s discord. Discord names are a very private thing.))

What's everyone's favorite food/animal/both? Which character do you like or relate to the most?

I answered food some time ago, so you get favorite animals! Siffrin likes cats because of course. Isabeau might actually prefers cats over dogs but its a close one. Mirabelle is a dog person. Odile is cats all the way. Bonnie is right in the middle. Wait, that’s just cats and dogs!!!!!!

As for which character I relate to the most: Siffrin :) Closely followed by Odile!

does anyone in the main cast know magic tricks/sleight of hand stuff? if so, what kind of tricks do they do? where did they learn them?

Siffrin for sure knows some coin tricks and maybe some sleight of hand, which they’d probably learn while traveling… Being a traveler means you gotta know some of those right??? It’s part of the mystique???

I also think Mirabelle and Isabeau would know some basic sleight of hand as well, just because I can easily imagine the House of Change having this as a class… 

How do you write the name of the island east of Vaugarde? The map from devlog #10 makes it seem like it's M Wudu? (Similarly, how do you pronounce it?)

Mwudu! And as for pronunciation, hm… Maybe with a soft oo sound for the U letters in there? I wonder… (<- never pronounces things out loud)

Q: Does Odile have a massive collection of books back home? Are there certain books that she took with her on her travels, or had to leave behind? Same for Mira, if she has any books outside of her collection in the House.

I actually don’t imagine Odile having a massive collection of books, just because I imagine Ka Bue as having libraries that are easy to access… Like she definitely owns books, but not a massive collection or anything. She brought the one book with her (her weapon!) but it’s more of a notebook than a book. But also if you ask me in a month I might go "she obviously has 300 books at home"

As for Mirabelle, her room is her home, so she doesn’t have anywhere else to put her books!

are there any deaths that are random chance? if so how would that be programmed?

also. what ARE the gang's favorite books

No, not really! Mostly because it would be very fun from a story perspective, but hellish from a gameplay perspective. Dying for reasons that are just Numbers Said So and this can happen at any time is not very fun as a player! What about my sense of control!!! So, when you die in ISAT, you will know why. HOWEVER, a bunch of events are random chance <3

And Mirabelle’s favorite book is a book series called The Cursing of Château Castle. I’m freestyling for the rest of these: Isabeau would say it's some book like “How To Get Bigger Muscles For Dummies'', somehow I’m certain Siffrin’s favorite book is a memoir of some kind or a poetry book, and Bonnie’s favorite book is the current most popular comic book for kids in Vaugarde. Odile’s is a secret <3

Q: Are there any bugs you've made into features?

alternative Q: What do the characters think about freeze tag?

YES!!!!! YOUR QUESTION IS SO GOOD IM MAD I CAN’T SPECIFY HOW… PLEASE ASK ME AGAIN WHEN THE GAME COMES OUT <3 Without giving away too much, there’s a couple events in the game that are here because of a bug that I thought added a lot to the atmosphere <3

Most of the gang are adults so they do not think about children’s games. However I imagine that for most kids in Vaugarde, freeze tag is the new fun game to play. Maybe they’d call it King instead. Who’s the King? Don’t get tagged by the King or you’re gonna be frozen!!! (Bonnie doesn’t want to play tag anymore.)

what & when was your first exposure where you went: "time to make a game"? im just wondering what got you started 

would there be an official subreddit for the isat community? i dont really use reddit much anymore but its something that croessed my mind a while back and by that i mean would there be official support for it or would it just be supported by fans? 

whats your favorite track from the prologue? 

A lot of things made me start making the prologue and then ISAT, but really: boredom from the pandemic teehee.

A subreddit… That’s a neat idea!!! If enough people are into it, that’s definitely something we’d consider, so if you want that you should make some noise :3

As for tracks, I genuinely think every single track Studio Thumpy Puppy has made is a 10/10, but the King’s battle theme holds a special spot in my heart… And Long Journey too ;w; And that’s not counting the tracks from ISAT which are just All Bangers All The Time (pst go get the prologue’s soundtrack here)

1. What’s something about working on the game or the prologue that was more difficult than you thought it would be? 

The… scope… I truly intended to have both the prologue and ISAT to be very short experiences, and they became way bigger than I envisioned! I did know they were going to be bigger than I thought, but They Sure Are Bigger Than I Thought. For example, I intended the prologue to be a 30mn experience… And it ended up being a couple hours long teehee

with a scale from 1 to 10 how much will the poor guy suffer in the game

Aiming for 11 baby

You got to the bottom of this devlog! Have a Silly Little Picture, which I sent as payment to everyone on discord who sent in a question

That’s all I have to say for today! Let me know if you have any questions, or if there’s any aspect of the game development struggle you’d like me to talk about! See you next time!!!

AND DON’T FORGET TO WISHLIST THE GAME ON STEAM ALSO IT REALLY HELPS BECAUSE STEAM’S ALGORITHM IS MORE LIKELY TO SHOW OFF GAMES WITH A HIGH AMOUNT OF WISHLISTS THAT’S THE REASON WHY GAME DEVS ALWAYS ASK TO WISHLIST!!! OKAY BYE!!!!

[leolithe]

For the ask game, since i cant find the emojis i need:

Family hc

Random hc

Clothes hc

Hobby hc

Oh my god i managed a thousand words of headcanon THANK YOU LOL. Ask game here!

🧬 Family

After the New War, Lotus sheds the part of her that's the clingy and anxious mission mom, and it kinda transfers over to Natah and Margulis instead LOL

Natah is a backseat gamer, telling the Tenno about patch notes the second they drop, giving them unsolicited modding advice, putting way too much detail in a mission transmission as if she doesn't know that the Tenno do not have Sentient processing capability. She watches over missions like a hawk... Very very diligently.

Margulis is the "you've been playing for over a hour" message in chat, just in overbearing mom form. She's very reluctant about leading missions without Natah or Lotus co-conscious; it's very overwhelming keeping track of so many mission feeds. If Natah is too present during missions, then Margulis is the opposite. She really tries to see the Tenno as who they are now, as capable warriors fighting to bring order to the Origin System, but she understandably struggles! She just wants her Tenno to be home safe and sound.

Some Tenno complain about them to the Lotus but all she does is smile. "Let them have their moments," she says. They eventually mellow out, but the first few months Natah and Margulis take the lead are rocky. The Tenno keep their patience with them, and the Space Moms take the time to learn what their children need, swapping between alters more and more fluidly as time goes on.

📓 Hobby

All three space moms share the joy of design! On Tau, Natah wasn't given the time to make her own blueprints or models on account of being put to use as a spy, so building new things together with her headmates really excite her, whether it's weapons or architecture or simple cosmetics. It's honestly adorable, you get to see Natah's innocent side during a brainstorming session.

Natah is big on overall shape design, while Margulis delves deeper into details and intricacies. Lotus is obviously a mix of both, so the other two kinda go through her for design vetting lmao. Surprisingly, they don't argue much during a design-related project! They bounce off each other's ideas and find plenty of value in them. It's very soothing. Margulis gets to exercise her proverbial Archimedean muscles and Natah gets to catch up on what she missed out on in her past.

When Margulis gets too tired in the middle of a project, Natah MOURNS the loss of her design partner. She's devastated to need to stop, she gets so sad that it's funny. Lotus goes "You can keep working on it while she rests" but Natah is like "I CANNOT PROCEED WITHOUT HER BRILLIANT MIND".

Cue them sleeping together while Natah's mind is still spinning with the vigor of a puppy wagging her tail.

👗 Clothes

Living in the body of a Sentient Mimic makes dressing up very easy. Just think of an outfit and boom the shared body adapts to it. Margulis picks out clothes that are comfortable and easy on the eyes, Lotus goes for something classy and elegant but not pompous, while Natah goes for more...... unorthodox fashion statements. she has a distinctly Sentient lens on the whole self-presentation thing.

For example. I've been playing with a Natah who, when outside of her usual mech, presents herself with the features of a Xenomorph. With the long, skeletal tail and just creepier general anatomy. She's honestly a furry, just a Sentient version of one lmfao. I think she maintains her default colour scheme when she changes up her body

Lotus and Margulis share each others' wardrobes and in their headspace they take the time to do little Human rituals like actually painstakingly put their clothes on and do each other's makeup. They definitely lean towards more femme fashion, but they both will indulge in a good suit...

😶 Random

NSFW!!! UNDER THE CUT

SPACE MILF SEX HEADCANONS LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO

Margulis: Bottom switch. Surprisingly commanding in bed if she wants to be. She is incredibly alluring and she knows how to tease... Ridiculously good at dirty talk........ Everything she says and does is like scientifically formulated to drive you up the wall. Being the OG Space Mom who owns the titty window I am inclined to say she can be verrrry slutty. Unfortunately still a regular Human in the datascape, but she's a curious woman and eventually finds out how to use the Sentient body for her own fantasies that i will not elaborate on 😶

Lotus: Vers Switch. Painfully. Excruciatingly. SWEET. In bed. She shows glimpses of herself that are so polite and innocent and affectionate that it makes you want to stop everything and just cuddle her and tell her you love her and she's safe. She NEEDS validation. It greatly upsets her if she thinks she's not doing a good job. Wins "most likely to cry while having sex" award (reasons range from being reminded of trauma or because you told her she's perfect the way she is or because she remembered again that she's free) and you HAVE to be nice about it...

Natah: Stone dom. Does not have nerve receptors and does not want them. She kinda just has sex to satisfy her curiosity and to fill her data banks. You should probably hope she likes you or she will not leave you....... Ahem. Alive? But if she DOES like you, she'll take joy in figuring out ways to push you to your limits and then give you aftercare. For her, sex is less about tactile pleasure and more about learning Human tendencies and how to best manipulate them.

Also she doesn't use her Human body (she reserves the intimacy it grants her for Lotus and Margulis) so you're stuck with her big beautiful mech shell thing and her clawed tentacles. Have fun!

[0creativity0]

Ok hi team if anybody's reading this please help, it's related to fanfiction, YouTube, music and German (random lot yeah) so

For context, first of all, I've studied German for six years now. I've struggled a lot these past few years with mental health, principally when I was around twelve. As a result of that, I found myself in a place where I was absolutely incapable of holding any space in my head for learning a few years back. It's impacted my capacities in the present very harshly. For instance, I used to excel at maths and now I suck at it because I skipped so many chapters despite not technically missing any classes. It's also the case for German classes, and nobody's ever helped me in the school system even though I've been begging for help these past like four years, so I guess I have no choice but to find a way to fix this alone. I've decided to try and catch up to my peers in the way I was able to largely surpass them when it came to English, which is by being chronically online, reading fanfiction, watching YouTube and listening to music every minute and second of every day.

If you have any recommendations for any of those categories in German, please comment. For fanfiction I'd be looking mostly for HxH recs. In music anything works, I'm picky but there isn't any way to explain what I really like or don't so just shoot your shot. And for YouTube I'm more into commentary (Drew Gooden, Kurtis Conner, ChadChad or even Nikki Carreon, for example), people who comment on actuality or do boom reviews, that's fun too, and gaming is fine I guess, though I'm preferably looking for someone who speaks calmly, and famous gamers aren't really known for patience am I right

Anyway. Thank you for your time if you read this somehow!

[prepareforspamcalls]

Random Withlock Sisters Facts

Sophia

She is a RPG gamer. She loves Final Fantasy and has played all the games. Her favorite character is Sephiroth, since she finds him so cool. Also thanks to FF7 is when she slowly started to realize that she liked girls or at least noticed a attraction to them.

Sophia loves anything cute. Her wife or siblings would buy her multiple plushies and stuffed animals if she glances at a cute one for too long. Her bed is covered with plushies.

On the same note she loves going to petting zoos. She just wants to pet all the cute animals and feed them. Take her to one and she'll be there all day.

Sophia used to have a pet bunny that she begged for her parents for when younger. She named her bunny Princess despite Princess being a boy. She was sad when Princess died :(

If Sophia was compared to a animal it would be a deer. She has the characteristics of one.

Her favorite color is purple! Specifically lavender or a light purple.

Sophia is a great cook, spoiling others with delightful food. She likes cooking for others, and her signature dish is an omelet or stir fry.

Back to the Final Fantasy, she has cosplayed as Aerith and Sephiroth once. Someplace gifted her a Sephiroth sword in which she uses for self defense.

Definitely the type of person to be singing along to the car radio on road trips.

Viola

Despite her anger issues, Viola is rather a decent human being. She just doesn't have patience for people. I fact she can be calm 95% of the time.

She likes collecting hats. Cute ones for her job or silly ones that are cheap. Every Christmas, Sophia would gift her a hat to add to the collection.

Her first job was at Hooters, though she didn't like it. It wasn't the uniform that was the problem. It was the crappy work hours they would give her. Even if she did call out they would call her in for another shift.

Viola has a high poison tolerance for many reasons. 1. Because Florence forced her to train her body. 2. She didn't want to risk being drugged or poisoned working at the bar.

Has a massive sweet tooth. She needs sugar and normally has a little candy bowl in her room. She likes most candy except for the ones with peanuts in it.

Her favorite color is orange. She thinks it a pretty warm color. She also likes oranges and orange juice.

Viola lowkey knows how to square dance. Working at the bar has done this to her.

She doesn't tell anyone this, but she secretly likes doing arts and crafts or coloring in her alone time. She finds it therapeutic to help her anger issues. She probably made paper dolls of her family before.

She isn't very fond of children. She'll either beat them or be awkward around them. She got no tolerance for them.

Lilli

Home girl is married to her work. She has yet to ever have a proper boyfriend or partner. In fact she has no interest in dating because she's always busy.

She sleeps through the day because she works the night shifts.

When she isn't working herself to the bone, she's either at home taking a luxurious self care day or is out playing tennis. Sometimes her and Viola go to the gym together.

Her favorite color is white. She couldn't always choose one but since white represents all the colors she chose that.

She could eat a whole ice-cream sunday on her own. Lilli loves ice-cream. You can distract her with ice-cream.

It's really random, but she knows how to ship a boat. She knows how to sail that thing and enjoys the salt air of the ocean.

But she's still a reckless driver, yet the cops never catch her.

Lacks a social life and kinda has social anxiety despite the fact that she observes people and people watch.

Whenever upset, she goes hide and uses her ability to give herself some peace.

[ruelpsen]

Feedist Kinktober 2024: Part III (October 15-21)

Up next, the third batch of 100-200 word drabbles! Once again, these all ended involving my favorite fictional alien, L/ondo M/ollari from B/abylon 5. On top of the prompts used themselves, below you'll find stuffing, weight gain, burping, dom/sub dynamics, public stuffing, tentacles, alienfucking, weight-related teasing, weed intox, bondage, and degradation (including a use of the f slur in the 10/21 entry)...

If you enjoy these, stay tuned for the two final batches, to be released on or shortly after October 28th and 31st!

Part I (October 1-7) here

Part II (October 8-14) here

(15) Slasher 🔪 / Guardian Angel 😇

Red. It covered my hands, my face, the table before me where I’d hacked my prey to bits. Red stains on the counters, some even on the floor, and most notably, on the knife I’d used in this dirty deed. I licked it clean, careful not to cut my tongue and add my own traces of red to the scene. Fuck, that was delicious. And if I got cleaned up quickly enough, no one would ever know…

But before I could begin to do any cleaning, the door slid open behind me. I heard my love gasp as he turned up the lights.

“My darling… what… wait. Did you make a cake while I was out today?”

I turned to look back at him and smiled, playfully brandishing the knife as I wiped crumbs from my face with my free hand. “I sure did. Had a hankering for red velvet, as you can see.” I belched and moaned, pleasantly stuffed but still hungry for more.

(16) Runway Ready 👠 / Crystal Ball 🔮

As soon as he returned from fetching the delivery, he opened the box and pulled out a sphere of clear crystal. He held it up to me proudly.

“A gift from the Prophetess for my service to the Empire,” he proclaimed. “It is said that if you stare into it for long enough, it can show you what your future may hold.”

He didn’t need to say anything more. We both stared into its depths as he cradled the ball in his hands, waiting intently for a vision to appear.

And it did. I saw myself who knows how many years from now, on his couch, collared and leashed as I knelt before him while he fed me. I didn’t look that much older than now, but I was a hell of a lot fatter than in the present.

“It seems this day has finally come, my pet,” the future L/ondo in the sphere crooned to future-me. He yanked on the leash and pulled future-me into a kiss, then jostled my belly enough to force up a belch in his face. Here and now, I started to get hard.

“Did you see that too?” present-L/ondo asked.

(17) Gaining Gamer 🎮 / Dungeon 🏰

“Fucking hell, move your ass!” I yelled, mashing the buttons on my controller harder to no avail. I sighed heavily as I watched my character on screen die. Again. I sighed, frustrated, before burping and staring down the restart button. L/ondo, whose legs I sat between on his couch, reached around and wordlessly pressed another slice of pizza to my lips.

“You can’t win them all,” he eventually said, pulling the slice away to lift a big bottle of soda to my mouth. “Regardless, I know you can clear this stage eventually. Keep at it, my dear!”

He was right. This game had tripped me up here and there, but I bested all those snags eventually. I hit the restart button. This time, I just needed to… fuck, him rubbing my belly felt so good. Distracting, maybe, but so good I would refuse to tell him to stop. I had long ago lost track of how much he’d fed me during the day’s gaming, but I needed it to keep my energy levels up.

“Time to try this-” I paused, allowing a massive, guttural belch to escape- “again.”

(18) Cult 🧑‍🤝‍🧑 / Artist's Muse 🎨

“Almost done,” I assured him, pressing my brush again to the canvas. “Again, I can’t thank you enough for your patience with me. Believe me, having to sit here for hours is a challenge for both of us.”

“Anything for you, my dove,” he smiled. “It’s not every day one gets his likeness painted. Even less often in a light such as this…”

“Nude, you mean?” I teased. “You’ve got the figure for it. I can’t believe no one’s ever painted you like this before.”

With that, I set my brush and paints aside, pulled the canvas from the easel, and turned it around to show him. His face immediately broke into a wide smile, practically glowing with affection.

“I… I’m beautiful,” he said incredulously.

“Of course you are,” I smiled. “I might be a different species than you, but I know a beautiful form when I see one, and I do my best at capturing them.”

I watched his eyes trace a line on his image from the curve of his belly to the softness of his thighs to the arcs of his attributes, snaking so gently along his form.

“Your body is a work of art, my love.”

(19) Invasive Vines 🌿 / Sweet Shop 🍭

I handed the cashier my credit chit again after they scanned this newest batch of items. They looked at me sternly, quizzically, as they scanned it and handed it back to me. I returned to the table I’d already spent the past couple of hours at, which was littered with wrappers from sweets from at least a dozen worlds that I’d already tried. L/ondo gave me some credits and suggested I hit this place up, for whatever reason- and who was I to complain when he encouraged me to gorge myself on tasty treats?

As soon as I sat down, the tasting continued. I wolfed down another chocolate-like bar from some distant world, chased it with something that looked and smelled like sugar crystals but actually tasted like candied fruit, followed by some new fizzy sour candy from Earth… and belched heartily before shoving more into my greedy mouth. Maybe that’s why the cashier kept glaring at me. My fat ass might burp like a pig, but when money talks, maybe bad manners are worth overlooking…

(20) Haunted House 🏚️ / Supersized Stoner 🍁

It didn’t take long for me to fully lose track of time after his challenge began. We’d talked long and hard about the terms before it started to make sure it was something we were both truly up for: him keeping me in his room for a month straight, keeping me constantly stoned, giving him full permission to stuff me and fuck my lazy ass as much as he wanted. It was our game to see how much fatter he could make me in a month. It turned out that it was easy for him to make me pack on the pounds faster than ever before by keeping me high, throwing off my daily rhythm even further by feeding me full meals some… six? times a day. He’d lay out a meal, watch me pig out, get all turned on from watching me eat and belch like some animal, then fuck the rest of the burps out of me or shove his cocks into my mouth or both to get off. Then he’d press a blunt to my lips, wait for the munchies to hit, and begin again.

Gaining fifty pounds that fast had never been so easy.

(21) Chained Up ⛓️ / Silky Soft 💕

“Ugh, fuck, I don’t think I can take any more… L/ondo, it hurts.”

It wasn’t his dicks that were hurting me this time. Rather, it was the massive amount of silky, rich whipped cream he’d crammed into my belly, compounded by the fact each of my limbs was chained to his bedposts and left me unable to give myself any respite through rubs.

“It hurts?” he growled, still seated on top of me, opening a new spray can of whipped cream with two of his tentacles. “And what do you expect me to do about that, whore?”

“I need you to burp me,” I moaned. “Please, my lord, I’m so full.”

He thrust his hips forward, shoving his lower belly against mine. A sickening gurgle arose within me, culminating in a deafening, wet belch that made me stiffen against his ass.

“Fucking disgusting,” he sneered, pressing his hands into the taut flesh of my upper belly. “Where are your manners, faggot?”

I belched again from his touch, moaning in relief and in pleasure from his degradation.

“Excuse me,” I whimpered.

“Better. Keep feigning politeness and I might let you cum soon, fatass.”

[melodygatesauthor]

Weekly Update - 05/18/2023

Hey all! I think I'm going to start doing weekly updates since I have a lot going on and a lot of fics in the works! I want you to know what I'm currently working on (WIPs) and I'll also toss some life updates in here as well. I'm also going to mention requests I have in the pipeline and when I'm expecting to complete them. Maybe your request is in there! (It probably is)

Going forward the updates will be on Sunday, I'm just doing this now because I have ADHD and it's on my mind today lol.

Since I've been really following the winds of inspiration lately, I want to keep doing that so I'm just putting this here so you know where the winds are blowing lmao.

I'll also mention if I think my current longfic is going to be delayed or anything here as well.

Gonna cut it up into sections to keep it consistent and easy:

Long/Chaptered Fic Updates

Currently I'm working on A Bit Dodgy, as many of you know. There will NOT be an update this Monday (05/22/2023). Though I will be working on it this week for @welcometostayingawake to edit and I'll have it to post by 05/29/2023 (that's the goal). If it's going to be pushed back again, I'll let you all know the Sunday before (05/28/2023).

Mini-series Update

Worth the Risk Part 3 should be out this week. That's the goal anyway. I have a good chunk of it done but there's still a lot to do. <- Still hoping to have this out this week but we will see (05/22/2023)

Uploading The Fractured Moon Part 2 (either tonight or tomorrow yay) Continuing to chip away at The Fractured Moon Part 3

There's a top secret fic series coming out HOPEFULLY this weekend, but it may be next weekend instead depending on how quickly I can get it finished. I'm losing my mind over it. (It's a 3 parter and all 3 parts are coming out at the same time teehee) <- Editing that today 05/22/2023. Hope to be done with it by tonight!

In June there's a writing challenge for Pride that @flightlessangelwings is putting on and I'm working on my fic for that so I'll be announcing more for that fic once I have the details better outlined!

Fool Me Twice should be getting a part 2 soon. I'm hoping I'll feel inspired to at least start it this week but maybe not. <- Taking this off the list for this week. Focusing on ABD and requests (05/22/2023).

Still considering doing 2 other parts for The OJ Problem but honestly, it's not that exciting to me rn. Since it's more of a Valentine's Day fic I might consider just doing those next year. <- Taking this off the list for this week. Focusing on ABD and requests (05/22/2023) will probably just put this on for next year for valentine's day.

Requests

I still have a sizeable amount of requests. REQUESTS ARE STILL CLOSED CURRENTLY. If your request is in blue, that means I'm going to try to work on it this week (05/21-05/27). If it's in pink, I'm going to try to work on it a different week. It's taking me a while to get into the headspace for some of them so thank you for your patience. Green means it's done I'm just working on editing now. They are posted in no real order, just working on them as I feel inspired to.

Blue Jones X f!Reader requested by @saraicus

There are 2 prompts in particular that I liked from the list you sent so I'll be doing them. - His eyeliner running down as he’s banging you against his desk - You’re a new patient and he just grows overprotective towards you. Doesn’t want you to meet other men and keeps you in solitary confinement for his jealousy sake.

Moon Boys X f!Reader by @ravenz-hope

Gamer reader and the boys getting angsty over her being too obsessed with the game (most relatable thing ever) <- Haven't had the time to set up the post but this will be coming out very soon. Need to finish editing as well (05/22/2023)

Moon Boys X f!Reader by @simpforbritgents

Asking for something like Feeling Flustered where the moon boys are doing guided phone sex.

Moon Boys X f!Reader by @mercuryrosesixx

Moon Boys w/ a f!Reader w/ nipple piercings. <- Started working on headcanons (05/22/2023).

Marc Spector X f!Reader by @blueflowerhat

Marc shower sex based on AI prompt.

Steven Grant X f!Reader by Anon -

Steven and Reader are both virgins. Marc is guiding/coaching Steven.

Doctor Marc Spector X Patient Reader by @burnincrown

Role Reversal (sort of) of Not a Doctor - Marc is the doc, reader is the patient and he takes advantage - Dark Fic

Nathan Bateman X f!Reader by @campingwiththecharmings

This is the prompt that hit me like a Nathan-shaped mac truck! -> “if you don’t like my teasing why are you moaning”

Nathan Bateman X f!Reader by Anon

Cam girl reader x Nathan - Nathan turns to a cam girl, he's been kinda stalking her. (Excited hehe)

That's it for right now. I'm a busy lady as usual but I like having a few different projects going at once! More coming soon! Thanks for always being so awesome and supportive. Love you all!

[lv-iceprince]

@averagetoyakinnie

hi there buddy! thank you so so so much for your patience and thank you so much for requesting this from me and double thanks for doing a ship for meㅠㅠ i truly don't know how i found such a sweet moot and i tried my hardest to reflect your energy through the theme. i don't want to get all sappy but thank you so much for existing and popping up out of nowhere and making me smile!

sending you all the love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

~ateez~ san

i only had one idea in mind for you, sexy gamer boy boyfriend who loves teasing and challenging his significant other. combining what i know of your personality and your appearance you really are that chill domestic couple who are most likely going to be together forever but like act so casual about it. you are both so so sooo good for each other and i stand by that!

~stray kids~ jisung

chaos twins who mutually thought "hey wouldn't it be crazy if we started dating? but we're friends, and i just want to date you as friends but i kinda think you're kinda fine. this was just way too tempting. i almost shipped you with jeongin since you would be the best example of two partially unhinged, excitable babies. but i feel like jisung would bring a more gentle touch to the relationship oh and he definitely loves how stoic you come across while being a complete mess for him.

~tomorrow x together~ yeonjun

yeonjun deserves the most edgy, cool, funny and sexy people. and i mean i won't push you being sexy in attitude but like. i really want yeonjun to have such cool partner. i also feel that he would absolutely thrive if you pull out your dad friend ways on him. he may not want to be controlled but he also really wants you to simp over him. he wants to pretend he's hot shit while simultaneously being your cute boyfriend.

~enhypen~ sunoo

this was the first member that came to mind and oh my god you are both icons. i never get to ship sunoo with many people but i am so glad i am finally shipping him with you. you're a sweetheart but beyond that i really think you would be able to challenge each other with your sass and attitude. sunoo needs someone who would playfully bite back with him and that's totally you. and i know for a fact sunoo would love you endlessly. this is definitely one of the idols i ship you with most!

~(g)idle~ shuhua

second to sunoo is this because oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!! i am absolutely crying over the idea of you and shuhua. shuhua has made a point of saying that she likes people with a bit more chaos and attitude, i don't remember when she said that but she loves people who have as bold a personality as she does. i also just adore the dynamic the two of you would have. she would 100% playfully bully you because she is so in love with you. at the same time she would never let anyone lay a finger on you. she's the tough girlfriend that you love and need in life. i could go on and on about this but in short there are so many unexpected things about your personality that she has come to love and she would probably even consider spending the rest of her life with you.

[red-moon-at-night]

heyo!! I'm like two hours late but I saw the ask game thing, so!! 🎮 and 💝!

thank you! :D

🎮 - What’s their favorite game?

Super Smash Bros.

It's mainly a nostalgic thing for her, as (you'll find this out in like a day or two anyway) she has fond memories playing it with her older brother. I like to imagine she would pester him to let her play too, he proceeds to completely wallop her at it with no mercy, and she pouts about it. Repeat many times. Until her brother eventually loses patience and finally teaches her the basics and movesets etc. etc.

Fast forward to the present and while Yumemi isn't really a 'gamer', she absolutely picks up the latest smash bros game in her isolation era and becomes pretty good at it. She mains Jigglypuff because I think that's the funniest choice thematically. Also I imagine getting your ass kicked by a cute pink puffball that can nap as a powerful attack is rage-inducing lmao

(I have visions of the whole milgram prison playing smash bros I think it'd be great to figure out who picks what character and who is very good at the game vs who falls off the stage by themselves because they've never picked up a controller in their life. I also have visions of fuuta losing to yumemi multiple times and she is just so chill about it the whole time it makes him even angier asdfghjkl)

💝 - What gestures do they really appreciate? How do you get on their good side?

Ooh this one is tricky because I have to think about what she actually likes vs what she's accepted on a surface level...

To get on Yumemi's good side:

Don't be a gossiper/obsessed with telling her everybody else's business.

Respect her personal space and ask before hugging her/touching her/any physical contact.

Don't treat her differently or act weird because she's an idol/was an idol. In fact, the less you know about that entertainment sphere the better because she doesn't have to worry about any ulterior motives.

Gestures she appreciates:

She loves being given gifts, especially well-thought out gifts! It doesn't have to be expensive - it can literally be like her favourite snack or drink, or a 'oh this reminded me of you because of so-and-so!' etc. Does she like expensive luxuries? Uh, yeah she isn't gonna complain to being bought the finer things in life. But thoughtful gifts rein supreme.

She really appreciates people who'll take time out of their day and spend it with her. Even better if they spend time with her AND listen to her. Good listeners are her favourite and although she's a stubborn little shit and rarely shares anything, having someone lend an ear to her problems and getting to share them without being interrupted or invalidated is like the ultimate act of care for her.

She also appreciates people who'll turn a blind eye to information she'd rather not disclose or talk about. Snitches get stitches and all that.

[aestheticsworldasmr]

“The Charm of Jigsaw Puzzle Hyper Casual Video Games: A Digital Retreat”

In the bustling gaming world, where high-octane action and intense strategy dominate the scene, a tranquil oasis exists — jigsaw puzzle hyper-casual video games. These seemingly simple yet captivating games have carved out a niche for themselves, offering players a soothing escape from the chaos of everyday life.

The Simplicity of Complexity

At first glance, jigsaw puzzle games appear straightforward — arrange the pieces to form a complete picture. However, beneath this simplicity lies a captivating complexity. Each piece must be scrutinized, rotated, and meticulously placed, requiring patience, attention to detail, and a keen eye for patterns. Despite their apparent simplicity, jigsaw puzzles offer a deeply engaging challenge that appeals to puzzle enthusiasts and casual gamers alike.

A Therapeutic Escape

Jigsaw puzzle games offer a welcome reprieve in a world of constant stimulation and digital noise. Their serene gameplay and soothing music create an atmosphere conducive to relaxation and mindfulness. As players immerse themselves in the process of assembling the puzzle, they enter a state of flow, where worries dissipate, and focus reigns supreme. It’s a therapeutic experience, akin to meditation, that provides a much-needed break from the stresses of modern life.

Universal Appeal

One of the most remarkable aspects of jigsaw puzzle hypercasual games is their universal appeal. From children to seniors, people of all ages and backgrounds find enjoyment in piecing together virtual puzzles. The intuitive gameplay requires no prior gaming experience, making it accessible to everyone. Moreover, the sheer variety of puzzle themes — ranging from scenic landscapes to adorable animals — ensures that there’s something for everyone to enjoy.

Social Connection

While jigsaw puzzles are often viewed as a solitary activity, the digital realm has transformed them into a social experience. Many hyper-casual puzzle games incorporate multiplayer features, allowing friends and family to collaborate on puzzles together, regardless of geographical distance. This social aspect adds an extra layer of enjoyment, fostering camaraderie and teamwork as players work towards a common goal.

Endless Possibilities

Thanks to advancements in technology, jigsaw puzzle hyper-casual games offer virtually limitless possibilities. Developers can create puzzles of various sizes and complexities, ensuring that players always have new challenges to tackle. Additionally, features like auto-solving, hints, and customization options enhance the gaming experience, catering to players of all skill levels and preferences.

In a world characterized by fast-paced action and intense competition, jigsaw puzzle hyper-casual video games stand out as a serene oasis. Their simple yet engaging gameplay, therapeutic benefits, universal appeal, social aspects, and endless variety make them a beloved pastime for millions of players worldwide. Whether you’re seeking a moment of tranquility or a fun activity to enjoy with friends, jigsaw puzzle games offer the perfect digital retreat. So, why not take a break from the chaos and indulge in the delightful world of virtual puzzles?

DOWNLOAD NOW: https://apps.apple.com/no/app/hex-nuts-bolts-jigsaw-puzzle/id6478046517

[benefits1986]

Sacred Sunday

Thank you, Gary Vee for waking me up, inside out... yet again. To more curation of female-empowered content! Just in time.  Why do I keep my weekends sacred? I remember how Haruki Murakami noted that even your best stuff get spoiled when you don’t give yourself a break; be it in work or in whatever you’re too busy with. His book What I Talk About When I Talk About Running is a good read and I keep re-reading it. While I won’t be running anytime soon, I’d sub this with biking, walking and volunteering. Just have to rework my schedule in time for Juno szn that’s coming very, very soon. I am soooooo pumped to start a new chapter wherever the tides and the rides take me. :)  More so, had my unfair share of working on weekends ages ago and that led to spirals because my personal connections and pursuits had really major damages. I thought back then that weekends are meant to buy more time to hit more and more numbers just in time for yet another Monday. I realized that while this can happen during very special circumstances, the truth is, organizations that respect THE PAUSE are worthwhile.  This weekend, I was able to do the following stuff:  -Gave my 3 doggos a really good check because they had LBM for the past days -Anxiety management of Vidi + lump has been addressed but we have to super duper check because, mahirap na if masalisihan kami nito  -Sessions with my dad about new terms he’s hearing in my meetings + turuan siya maghanap ng legit deals in Lazada and websites because his feed is tatad ng mga dubious ads :D LELS (ayusin ko settings ng phone neto pero makulit, mhie) + LazMall vs Zalora vs apps he can check in his phone (ending: sige na, ako na bibili. Send me the link, dad. LOL. Pero syempre, may bigla na lang darating na package sa bahay tapos tatawa lang siya o maiinis kasi papagalitan ko na naman siya ‘pag ‘di legit ‘yung binili niya on his own. UGH. Boomer Weekends!!!)  -Iron my clothes as I wished that mother dragon is here to iron each crease because I abhor this chore to the core; but, I have to do it  -Requested dad to sulsi my clothes because I really don’t have the patience and the skills to sulsi them on my own  -Got my sheets and clothes from my suki laundry shop because water supply is not cooperating and while I love doing the laundry, mhie, ‘di makatao na gigising akong super aga or matulog super late, ‘di pa rin tapos labada ko after 4 hours :(  -Cleaned the fridge a bit and cooked food  -Had a massage for me and tatay kong pakitong-kitong  -HL budol c/o my gamer brother (JUSQ, mhie)  -run errands for my friend who’s a June bride (tawang-tawa ako sa pagluha niya because of this tiny errand tbh sa restroom ng office of all places at habang nagmumumog ako at siya rin)  -Maglinis ng CR :D :D :D  -Booksale Visit because why not?  -Check halaman and talk to them in time for tiny house vertical gardening so we can emulate Hedera x Cobonpue CHZ  -Bills, bills, bills, bills :D  -Checking on Zee who celebrated her 11th birthday; she’s a Potterhead queer baby in my eye pa rin kahit she totally has a mind of her own and Canadian na talaga siya; ‘di na Pinoy :D LOL  -Aligned with OG travel buddies about June ganaps because my calendar is full :D Wala ng hahabol  -Ate proper meals and meriendas with dad because this week has been a test of patience and no-mute mic meetings, too (Hassle lang kasi my dogs bark many times all throughout the day. Busalan ko na ba sila para hindi hassle magpatahimik? LOL.)  -Lunch with my brother and checking on him re: PT sessions, blood tests niya, overall health, etc. because he needs to be at his best in time for the birth of his bunso very, very soon  -Kulitan with my soul sister and syempre, meme deluge because it’s our love language -Catching up with Team Panganay because I have to move our ganap to June because... ugh  -Carving a new workspace because my dogs get in the way of meetings that call for NO MUTE MIC :D  -Cold brew x cinnamon x vanilla session because still looking for tea that will not make me poop too much :D  -Handmade letters because wala e, need and want din :D CHZ  -Basura content para mahulas mga podcasts and content na serious masyado :D  -Competitor check na funny but my brother knows them better than me he is an OG gamer and techie person :D LOLLOLLOOLL. Sornnuh.  -Feeding dad with content that he’ll most likely find helpful (UGH. Bigyan ko na ba siyang curated PL sa YT?) But, he now goes beyond Netflix na car chase, sapakan, bardagulan and the like  -Bringing Vici to the mall after his bout with major LBM this week; parang walang ‘di nagkasakit sa pag-gala sa mall (I hate going to the mall, because gastos, pero sige, go, anak. Go lang.)  What to do in the coming weekends:  -HOGWARTS LEGACY :D with my brother dear who loves the game :D Pinauna ko ng binyagan since ‘di rin talaga kasya sa sched ko tapos tuturuan niya ko as a non-gamer girl na baka madarang na ako because HP e. Akala ko mura lang ‘yun, taena. Lagas. So baon na lang ako this week to work.  -Welcome an expat friend to Manila (yet again bilang uuwi na naman siya at magtatanong na naman anong gusto kong pasalubong) + BGC nights with really early mornings (UGH. Katamad ‘to kasi ayoko talaga ng BGC as in pero sige na. Para matapos na.)  -PT sessions with my dad because I need to manage his fucked up way of biking ng walang stretching; sasabayan ko na lang siya para wala siyang kawala and endorse him to my super pak PT doc in the Southside (inception is ongoing)  -Baguio sundot but most likely this won’t happen because K is super higpit na baba ako ng Manila ng gabi to make it to my wellness leave/team building sesh; nag-away na kami kasi I usually go back to Manila from Baguio at around 12 midnight naman talaga pero he can’t allow me to do that just even for Ely’s First Birthday Dinner (Kainis)  -Laguna Bike Rides With MatchaME :D + ina and ama’s lapida (pati ‘to mhie, lista natin here) + family ganaps kahit ayoko talaga na naman since bored talaga ako  -Virgin Lab Fest with my OG travel buddies pero not sure pa here given that we have crazy schedules  -Fete de la Musique if meron this 2023 para iwas-spiral sa nanay kong iniwan ako :D Hahahahahahaha -Tea Time with OG travel buddies because ‘wag naman daw milktea  -Mega video call with soul sister since this is a monthly thing we committed to :D plus continuation of talking about our inner child hanash -Wine with OG marketing dad because birthday niya and though he does not like being greeted on his birthday (like me), may paganaps kaming parating kaya need talaga neto. Will gift him a Brene Brown book tapos kunin ko hard drive niya saka with his PL :D; hanap din akong decent wine na bagay sa personality at saltik niya which I’ve started pero so far, parang wala akong mahanap na pak -Mom’s 11th Birthday in Heaven :D eto ang malala. ‘Di ko pa ‘to hinaharap; but, I need and want to. Time to face this bitch na, for realzzz. Have to be comfy na with seeing her lapida na wala na akong spirals na malala.  -Siargaoooooooooooooooo!!! Enough said because no posting on IG BUT will pour it out here and there + meet up with the locals + secret spots na pak + photo/video walks with my phone + ink design fit for Siargaoooooo which I remember just now na almost same ng time frame ng birthday in heaven ni mother dragon back in 2018 (HUHUHUHUHUHUHU. Kismet na ba ‘to?)  -Probable sundot shot session featuring my friend in her first ever boudoir in time for her wedding I RSVP-d no to, because it’s work day (HUHUHUHUHUHU)   -Schedule my annual mega check up which is so timely given this interview of Huberman with Gottfried Glad to find a string of doctors who are progressive and are pushy, too. LOL. I abhor doc appointments, HOWEVER my mother dragon (who does not go to doc visits before she got GBS), made me promise that I get regularly checked. JUSQ. Though I have yet to master this trauma-inducing promise, I am getting there. Last year, all is good. All is well.  But, at 37, I’ll never know, right? It’s better safe than sorry, I guess. OPAK. Character arc development, right there. Since, I’m learning more and more about female health through the lens of more and more female health experts, I am realizing that being a woman is a high risk on its own. While I don’t have plans of having kids which means I won’t be putting my uterus to its natural use, I have to future-proof my body. :D CHZ. Wow. True na ba ‘to? I don’t intend to live too long naman din, but, I guess, I’m all for managing the symptoms while I can. Pota. Palliative mode na pala ako agad. Tanggap ko na ang dulo at ang hangganan. LOL.  At a time where health is wealth, let this be an important note that in the coming doc visits and interactions, I ought to choose female-empowering health practitioners. I’ve had one too many alignments with health people in general and I’ve been blessed to collaborate with not only the best, but generally empathic ones. Never mind the fact that I had to down that mom was but a case study. Never mind that our only choice was to manage her and go for the “best” quality of life as we defied gravity.  While penning this thought fart, I no longer feel the burn and the lump in my throat. This time, I’m off to make sense of mom’s battle with GBS. So far, I’ve got a clean bill of health, thanks to my organization that values THE PAUSE highly, in general. ;) Thinking of getting a life coach again. Perhaps, I’d go back to my dear life coach who helped me immensely during my toughest times ages ago. Perhaps, more than physical health, it’s time to give much attention to my mental muscles one session at a time, too. LUH.  I remember how taboo mental health is back in 2012. Looking back, I’ve been cancelled ONE TOO MANY TIMES even when I knew people around me meant well. Back then, I didn’t know that I can actually reach out to my people and ask for help. Back then, all I heard where hasty generalizations and slippery slopes were thrown at me. At times, I fought back. Other times, I backed down. These are my silent battles which I didn’t face because, I was seen as too strong, intimidating and aggressive. ‘Yung tipong since kaya ko naman lahat, bawal mapagod. Bawal mag-break down. Or puwede naman, pero out of character ko mag-spiral, ma-out of control, ma-out of focus. LOLOLLOL. :D True naman those, but, when you lose someone who is your life, your light, your everything, everything and anything spirals. ‘Yung usual kong naririnig noon is: You fought a good fight. Cry. Move on. Tapos.  Except for A and R, no one else stayed with me in a way that I want to be taken cared of. The noises are too loud. I found myself voiceless. The voices inside out fucked me up, big time. I failed to find my voice as I masked each emotion, each motion with more and more well-dressed distractions like working on weekends, on holidays, on days and nights when I cry so hard while downing deadlines. I tried numbing my pain by inflicting more and more and more pain until I died inside... until, I found myself fantasizing about dying poetically. I punished myself severely when no one is watching. Emotional eating and starving became my staples depending on my personality split.  A & R never gave up on me. They are my constants. They are my enablers. They are my go-to whenever I burn, I bleed, I die. They bring me back to life even when I no longer wanted to move forward.  May my stories about silent battles be more profound to my audience of none, and my audience of one. May these really bad shit turn into stories that allow at least one soul to learn something without having to go through a similar bad shit I went through, too. May my stories be tiny testaments that mental health should never be joked about and worse, looked down upon. May my stories remind someone that what you think, you become. What you consume, consumes you and your physical body, too.  Next Stop: Neurodivergent Universe ;) in the lens of a career woman whose content I chanced upon last week 

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

idea: if you HAVE to leave the scrapyard, and you're faced with needing to give a lot of hugs, remind them that it's one at a time so you don't get crushed by a ton of metal arms at once because while the liminal scape Pikos do like hugs, they might be a bit unaware of the danger of group hugs when you're not made of mechanical parts and the others in the group hug are

AW that sounds cute as hell though 🥺💖 not the risk of being crushed to death obviously but PIKO HUGS...

long line of pikos awaiting hugs... thats cute as hell sobs