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harrisonarchive · 2 years

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Scan - Klaus Voormann's drawing of George Harrison giving him a hug at Abbey Road Studios in 1963, as published in Voormann's book Warum spielst du Imagine nicht auf dem weißen Klavier, John? (2003).

George and being affectionate, as requested. A companion post to this one.

"George giving me (Klaus) a bear-hugggg My first time in London and... what a welcome!!! ‘It’s Klaus!’ George Harrison called, setting his guitar aside and walking toward me to give me a firm hug." - Warum spielst du Imagine nicht auf dem weißen Klavier, John? (2003)

"[W]hich Beatle was the better kisser? 'George,' [Iris] says with a smile. 'He gave me my first kiss. He was lovely. Paul was charming. George had something else.' [...] 'They’d all come round at two in the morning and my Mum Vi made chip butties. I met George at the ice rink when I was 12 and he was 14. Every night he would come round to our house after school. 'He used to play guitar and wanted to get into Rory’s band but Rory said he was a bit young. We went out for ages – but it was a totally different concept to boyfriend and girlfriend today. 'We’d walk down Lilly Lane which was like a lovers’ lane and kiss and cuddle. George was the best kisser ever. 'Rory opened a skiffle club and I wasn’t supposed to go because I was under 15 so I put cotton wool in my bra and blue blusher on my eyes. 'At the end of the night, Rory made a joke about his little sister having cotton wool down her bra. I was so embarrassed I ran out in tears. 'Then I heard footsteps behind me. It was George. I ran into his arms and he gave me the best kiss ever. 'I can still feel it right in my tummy, even now. He was lovely.'" - Mirror, October 6, 2012

"'At all clubs [in Hamburg],' says George, 'they used to read out a notice every night saying that all people under eighteen had to leave. Someone eventually realized I was only seventeen, without a work permit or a resident permit. So I had to leave. I had to go home on my own. I felt terrible.' Astrid and Stu drove him to the station, got him his ticket and a place on the train. 'He was just standing there,' says Astrid. 'Little George, all lost. I gave him a big bag of sweets and some apples. He threw his arms round me and Stu, which was the sort of demonstrative thing they never did.'" - The Beatles: The Authorized Biography (1968)

"I was surprised to see how affectionate he was with Olivia, holding hands, heads touching as they talked, snuggling up next to her at every opportunity." - Chris O’Dell, Miss O’Dell (2009)

George hugging Alla Rakha during the Dark Horse, 1974: here.

"Olivia was in the room and asked Madeleine her name. The next thing she knew, George was walking across the room directly to her, and as if they were old friends, put his arms around her! She was so overwhelmed and she automatically put her arms around him and hugged him back. He asked her her name, and she told him it was Madeleine. She said something to the effect of 'I love you George’ in her cute and charming way, but George only replied, 'It’s Krishna that you love.’ He was told by Bill how many concerts she had attended, so he asked, 'This is your 11th?’ In her shock, she said yes, but when he asked again, she said no, it was her 8th concert. He was knocked out that she had gone to that many. She told him, 'I would have gone to all 50 if I could,’ to which he jokingly replied, 'If I could I wouldn’t have!’ During this time George was holding both her hands in his." - Harrison Alliance, December 1974/January 1975, with thanks to Meet The Beatles for Real [x]

"Even hugging George was a psychedelic experience, what a gem of a man. Love him forever." - Dave Stewart, Facebook

“Just a few months after his death, I was in Bungalow 8, a New York club that Paul Shaffer had dragged me to, when I noticed a skinny fellow who was the spitting image of George, only young George, coming right toward me. Before I could say anything, this young man embraced me in a tender hug. And then pulled back to explain himself. ‘I’m Dhani Harrison,’ he said. ‘One of the last things my father told me was that if I ever come across people who were important to him, I should give them a hug.’” - Martin Short, I Must Say: My Life As A Humble Comedy Legend (2014) [x]

"The last time I met him, he was very sick and I held his hand for four hours. As I was doing it I was thinking ‘I’ve never held his hand before, ever. This is not what two Liverpool fellas do, no matter how well you know each other.’ I kept thinking, ‘he’s going to smack me here.’ But he didn’t. He just stroked my hand with his thumb and I thought ‘Ah, this is OK, this is life. It’s tough but it’s lovely. That’s how it is.’" - Paul McCartney, The Mirror, April 7, 2003 [x]

“George was the kind of guy who wasn’t going to leave until he hugged you for five minutes and told you how much he loved you. We knew where we stood with each other.” - Tom Petty, Rolling Stone, January 17, 2002 [x]

#Klaus Voormann #George Harrison #harrisonarchive scans #1960s #1970s #1980s #1990s #2000s #George and Klaus Voormann #Tom Petty #Olivia Harrison #Paul McCartney #Iris Caldwell #et al #fits queue like a glove

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totowlff · 2 years

Text

chapter thirty-two — empty apologies

➝ some wounds are too deep for simple dressings.

➝ word count: 3,9k

➝ warnings: none

DECEMBER, 2016

The elevator in Niki and Marlene's building was more full than it usually was when Elisabeth came to visit. This time, she had Toto, Rosi, and Ben in tow. The kids were talking animatedly, something about how they were looking forward to their upcoming ski trip with their mother after the holidays were over. Elisabeth was leaning against Toto, both of them with bags in their hands, stuffed with gifts and a few bottles of wine.

She couldn't help but feel something strange inside her chest. There had been many times that she had come to Niki and Marlene’s by herself, riding up the small elevator in silence.

However, since the first time she and Toto kissed, going to her parents' house felt like letting a bull loose in a China shop. She felt like a bull, clumsy and thrashing, waiting for everything to come crashing down around her. All of the Christmas and birthday dinners she’d been to since then turned into tests of composure, especially if the subject turned to the man she loved. Discretion was the rule and she dared not break it.

However, her game of hide and seek was over. Their relationship had become public. Of course, the first few months were tricky with having to deal with the press all over them. With time, Toto's support, and sessions with Alma, her therapist, Elisabeth began to feel less uncomfortable with the comments and attention she’d received.

Proof of this was an interview that Niki and Elisabeth did with Sky Sports. After Ted Kravitz had asked about several topics, Toto’s name came up in conversation, which made Elisabeth’s stomach churn from nerves.

— That the partnership of the three of you led Mercedes to success is no secret. But, one question I can't help but ask the two of you is whether or not the dynamic between you has changed after… well, two-thirds of this trio decided to take a step forward in their relationship.

— The question is for you, Elisabeth — her father murmured, making her laugh.

— Okay, sure. I don’t think the dynamic has changed much. There is still room for disagreement and debate between the three of us, and, in the end, I am at Mercedes representing my father's interests, not necessarily Toto’s interests or even my own. We still try to keep things respectful and to keep an open dialogue between all parties.

— The difference is that you have more ways of dialoguing with Toto than I do, don't you? — Niki said with a smirk, making Ted laugh. Elisabeth felt her cheeks heat up as a shy smile appeared on her face.

— Can you confirm, Elisabeth?

— I don’t mix business with pleasure, Ted. In matters of business, I only use my words.

— If they're the same as your mother's, poor him.

The memory made her look up at Toto, standing beside her. He seemed lost in his own thoughts, his brown eyes not really focused on anything. Then, he looked down at her.

— Is everything okay? — Toto whispered.

— Everything is perfect — she replied, smiling. Toto kissed her on the forehead.

The elevator door slid open a few seconds later, and the four of them stepped out into the hallway in front of her parents' apartment. After ringing the bell and waiting a few minutes, the door opened. Marlene and Lenny greeted them, accompanied by Shivas and Felix at their heels.

— Tante! — Lenny shouted, running past Marlene towards Elisabeth, hugging her legs tightly. Behind him came the dogs, barking loudly and wagging their tails, walking around everyone at the apartment door, sniffing them.

Elisabeth handed the bag she was holding to Ben and bent to pick her nephew up, hugging him and kissing his cheek tenderly.

— Mausi! How I missed you! — Elisabeth said.

— I missed you more — he replied, tightening his little arms around her neck. And she didn't doubt that statement, considering her presence had always been big in Lenny's life. She was his only aunt, as Claire had no sisters, and was one of the people he had the most contact with. Not seeing him for months on end was heartbreaking for Elisabeth and she couldn't imagine what it had been like for him.

— I doubt it — she said, kissing his hair. “Jesus, he's getting heavy”, Elisabeth thought, as she patted him twice on the back, signaling that she was going to put him back on the ground — Have you said hi to your Onkel yet?

Then, the boy seemed to notice Toto's presence, a wide smile taking over his little face.

— Hi, Onkel Toto — he said, throwing himself at the legs of the team principal, who asked Elisabeth for help with the bags she was holding to pick Lenny up.

— Good evening, young man, how are you?

— I'm fine. I'm helping Oma in the kitchen.

— You and Eli, right? — Marlene said, running a hand through the boy's blond curls.

— Eli's in the kitchen too, but he's too little to help — Lenny said, making everyone there laugh — He’s just eating the raspberries mommy crushed for him and he's still making a mess.

— And you don't make a mess, Mausi?

— No, Tante, I'm a very good cook, aren't I, Oma?

— The best cook in the family — Marlene answered her grandson, smiling, as Toto ran a hand through the boy's light hair. Then his eyes found the two teenagers who were there, distracted by the family dogs.

— Who are they? — Lenny asked, pointing at the two of them.

— Ah — Elisabeth smiled — They are Benedict and Rosi, Onkel Toto's children. Ben, Rosi, this is Lennon, my oldest nephew.

The two smiled, waving at the boy. He stared at them with his pale eyes before shyly waving back. Their first meeting was not what she had imagined, but it was still fantastic for Elisabeth to see the two spheres of her life finally together, interacting.

— Well, I guess we can go in, can't we? — Marlene said, while Toto put Lennon on the ground — Nobody wants to be cold out here and by the fireplace it's very cozy, isn't it, Lenny?

— Yes, Oma! Come in, Tante! — the little boy said, tugging on Elisabeth's coat. It was up to her to laugh and give in to her nephew's requests.

After everyone came in from the entryway, leaving their shoes and coats behind, they headed to the living room, where Lukas, Niki and Mathias were. Shivas and Felix had already trotted in to take their places back in front of the fireplace. Lenny came skipping along with Elisabeth at his heels, shouting to everyone that his aunt had arrived.

As Niki and Lukas immediately got up to hug her, she noticed that Mathias hesitated for a few seconds, as if thinking of the best way to greet her. In the end, as she approached him, her brother merely held out his hand for her to shake.

— Good evening, Elisabeth — he said, his voice oddly formal.

— Good evening — she replied. She didn’t have long to feel awkward about it, as her attention was drawn back to her nephew, who was pulling her hand insistently.

— Come see Elli, Tante! Come — he exclaimed, clutching at her fingers.

— I'll be right there darling, just let me talk to Onkel Toto first, okay? — Elisabeth replied, before turning to Toto, who was already talking animatedly with her father. As she approached the two of them he smiled at her.

— Need something, Liesl? — he asked.

— I just wanted to bring the wine into the kitchen.

He handed the bags he was still holding carefully to her, resting his hand on her waist next.

— Do you need help in there?

— No, dear — she replied — Mom and Claire must have everything under control. Besides, considering what happened at Ben's birthday dinner, I think you better stay away from sharp objects.

Toto chuckled, before leaning over and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. Turning her back to go into the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of Rosi. She was sitting on the couch watching Ben and Lukas talk about Shivas, a slightly bored expression on her face. “I can't leave her there”, Elisabeth thought.

— Rosi, do you want to come into the kitchen with me? — she asked the girl. Rosi smiled shyly at her.

— Yes — she replied, getting up and following Elisabeth and Lenny into the apartment's kitchen.

The kitchen was chaotic. There were platters, plates, and bowls strewn about, pots steaming on the stove, and something that smelled delicious baking in the oven. On the countertop by the sink, Marlene was stirring something in a pan. At the table, Claire was trying to finish cutting up some cabbage, and a little boy with raspberries smeared all over his face was bouncing next to her in a high chair.

— Elisabeth! — her sister-in-law exclaimed, getting up to give her a hug — How are you?

— I'm fine — she smiled — And you?

— Tired but fine — Claire said — Nobody said raising two kids would be easy, but thank God Eli is a real angel.

— I hear those are the worst when they grow up — Marlene muttered, making them both laugh.

— Don't talk like that, Ellison will be very well behaved.

— I'm well behaved too, aren't I, Tante? — Lenny asked. Elisabeth patted her nephew on the head.

— Of course you are, Mausi. You're very well behaved — she smiled at her nephew.

— I know this conversation is riveting — Marlene butted in, putting a dish towel on her shoulder — But I need to finish dinner sometime tonight. Can you help me, Elschen?

— Of course — Elisabeth said. She strode over to her mother and picked up the pot of boiled potatoes from the sink. However, as she turned around, she noticed that Rosi was standing in the corner, looking a little out of place — Rosi, do you want to help too?

The girl nodded. Soon Marlene assigned a task to her, who was responsible for the sauce of the dumplings that would be made with the potatoes that Elisabeth would mash.

With four more helping hands in the kitchen, it wasn't long before the family's Christmas dinner was ready. Soon, the dumplings prepared by Rosi and Elisabeth were on the table, along with the traditional roast goose, Claire’s coleslaw. It fell to Lenny to get everyone to settle into chairs for the meal. It was delicious, according to him.

After the whole family was seated, glasses poured with wine, juice and water, Niki stood at the end of the table and cleared her throat as a way of attracting attention. Soon, everyone was silent, attentive to what he would say.

— You know I'm not a speech-making man. In fact, I hate giving speeches. But, I have a few things to talk about and I'm going to take advantage of this moment when everyone is gathered for this, if you don't mind.

— I won't mind if you don't take too long, I'm hungry — Lukas said. Everyone at the table chuckled.

— I won't be long, Lukas, don't worry — Niki said, before continuing — Well, first I wanted to say how happy I am to have you all here. Marlene and I have always worked very hard to keep some traditions alive in this family, and the fact that we are still able to get together at Christmas is something that makes me particularly happy.

He paused for a second before continuing.

— Second, I'd like to point out how much this family has grown since the last time we were all together. At the rate we're at, we're going to have to buy a much bigger table for next year — Niki said, eliciting new laughter — Jokes aside, I've always wanted a big family and, after everything I've been through in this life, looking at all of you, I think I did pretty well for a half-dead man. I have an amazing wife, three wonderful children, an adorable daughter-in-law, and a somewhat stupid but still extremely competent son-in-law.

The good-natured mention of Toto had Elisabeth shooting a look at him, who was running a hand through his hair, nodding at Niki. Taking his free hand, their gazes met, a smile tugging at his lips.

— What about me, Opa? — Lenny asked, making everyone at the table laugh.

— How could I forget about you, Lennon? I also have wonderful grandchildren, who bring me great joy and pride. Of course, the number increased a little more than expected, since in addition to Ellison, Elisabeth also gave me two grandchildren who, despite not being of my blood, have all my affection since the first time I saw them.

Looking to the side, Elisabeth noticed that Rosi was looking at her lap and blushing, and looked like she was trying not to cry. Elisabeth took the girl’s hand in hers, giving it an affectionate squeeze. They never had the opportunity to meet the paternal grandfather as he was stolen by a cruel disease long before they were born. However, as fate would have it, they found that in Niki, who was as tender and affectionate to them as he was to his grandchildren by blood, who didn't hesitate to give his opinions and who was there to offer all the support they needed.

— But, I didn't want to talk about the good stuff. I really wanted to talk about the difficulties we face this year. These last few months have been very challenging for all of us, I have no doubt. But, I believe that it is in the worst moments that we find out who really loves us — he said — And the love I am referring to is not the one expressed in an 'I love you', a kiss or a hug. It's the one that's in a simple message asking how the other is doing or even in the eyes when you see the one you love. And this love, my dear ones, is priceless.

Elisabeth hesitated for a few seconds before looking up at Mathias, who was staring at her, an unreadable expression on her face. She knew her father was talking about the two of them and their shattered relationship. He had hurt her deeply with his words and actions, especially during their fight at Lennon's birthday party, when she had been called the lowest possible words simply for being in love with someone he didn't think was right for her.

— Therefore, I invite you to toast love with me. May he lead our family in this coming year. May he be the only feeling that is cultivated among all of us who are here. And may he be the strength that leads us towards even better days.

Raising her wine glass, Elisabeth just smiled at her father, while the sound of crystals touching sounded through the environment. After taking a sip, she looked at Mathias again. He continued to look at her, but at that moment, Elisabeth could see guilt in his eyes.

The family dinner was peaceful. Between conversations about Nico's retirement, the next trips to Ibiza and the anxiety of the dogs at their feet, waiting for crumbs to fall to the floor. However, the feeling of something heavy inside Elisabeth's chest continued, even with all the breathing techniques she had learned in therapy.

— Liesl, are you okay? — Toto whispered beside her, taking her fingers in his. She looked at him and smiled.

— Yes, I’m okay, dear — Elisabeth replied, picking up her glass of water and taking a sip. Toto kissed her hand and went back to his dinner, while she kept thinking about her father's words about love.

Elisabeth had never stopped loving Mathias, not even after he had called her a slut and thrown her and the man she loved out of his house. Mathias may have many faults, but he was a man who was true to his own values and opinions, something Elisabeth admired, in a way. Their bond had always been strong, through all the mishaps and disagreements, and it had never been tested until that damned Saturday in Spa.

After everyone finished eating, Elisabeth took it upon herself to take the dishes back to the kitchen and organize them in the dishwasher. There was something about the process that calmed her down, and she used the time alone to think. Occasionally, she was seized by some sort of mania about organization, and it had led to a few arguments with Toto. When it happened, Elisabeth decided to reorganize some room, drawer or space in the closet that belonged to him, and then he couldn’t find anything afterward.

She was trapped in her own thoughts about possibly rearranging the books in her Oxford office into alphabetical order, and jumped when she heard someone clear their throat behind her.

— Can we talk? — Mathias asked seriously.

Elisabeth hesitated for a second as she held a glass dish in her hand. It felt like deja-vu, just like the situation that had happened after Benedict's birthday. However, there was something in her brother's expression that didn't convey the same assurance that she had felt when she agreed to talk to Joanna.

Toto's mother had treated her completely differently that night, especially compared to the first time they had met. There was much more respect and even a certain affection. But Mathias hadn't shown any change in his attitude towards her and Toto. That was what scared her the most, especially because of Benedict and Rosi.

— I don't know if we have something to talk about — Elisabeth replied softly, placing the platter inside the dishwasher.

— Yes, we do, Elschen — he said — We have a lot to talk about.

Hearing him call her by her nickname made something clench inside her chest. It had been a long time since he'd last referred to her that way, and even though his voice didn't carry the same warmth as before, Elisabeth had missed it.

Looking back at her brother, she crossed her arms.

— Well, start talking, then.

Mathias pressed his lips together hesitantly. Then he said something Elisabeth didn't expect.

— I wanted to apologize to you, Elschen.

She blinked.

— Apologize?

— Yes.

— Why?

He sighed.

— Because I'm a shit brother. I was selfish with you, with dad, with our entire family. All because I couldn't accept that you also have the right to make your choices, no matter what they are, and to be respected for them, the same way Lukas and I were.

Elisabeth glared at him.

—Why couldn't you respect my choices? — she asked, dryly.

— Because I thought you were doing the wrong thing. I thought dad would be mad at you and I wanted to, I don’t know, protect you from his anger, because I already felt his anger. I didn't want you to be sad, or for him to be sad, either — her brother said, running a hand through his hair.

— So, you thought the best thing to do would be to blackmail me?

— I was trying to convince you that what you were doing was crazy. I had no idea that the relationship between the two of you was already so… Entrenched. I thought it was just an affair, just a physical thing, and that’s it. I really didn't think there was love involved. And I found out there was love involved when Toto walked into my office at Lenny's party.

— After you called me a slut, a cunt, a bitch, and a whore, you mean?

— I apologize for that too, Elschen. You are none of those things, quite the contrary. I've always been, and I'm still proud to have you as a sister. And nothing will change that inside of me.

— The way you've treated me these last few months, it didn't seem like you were proud of me. Actually, you made it pretty clear that you were disgusted with me — she muttered.

— Fuck, Elschen, can't you just see my side of this?

— Can you see mine? — Elisabeth countered — I was doing everything to keep my relationship with Toto protected, not just for us, but for the sake of his children. I didn't want to bring media attention to us and therefore them because I know how cruel the media can be.

— I know that too, Elisabeth.

— No, you don’t! — she continued, her voice rising — You don't know what it’s like because most press about you just relates to your driving. You’ve never had to read in a magazine that you're fat, that you're not graceful like your mother, that you're an ugly fucking duckling. You never had to hide during recess at school because you're a fucking joke to everyone.

Mathias blinked, a little shocked.

— I did what I did, I lied, I made excuses, I deceived everyone because I wanted to protect the people I loved. I wanted to protect Toto, his kids, mom and dad, you and Lukas. I did all this juggling for you, and when I needed you, you buried a knife in my back.

— Elschen…

— I really wish I could forgive you right now, Mathias. I really want to look at you and tell you that it’s fine and that I want to take our relationship back to where we were, but I can't. It's not like you don't really know me and you're acting on the wrong first impression. You've known me since the day I was born, Mathias. You know exactly how I am, what I think, and my weaknesses, and you used them against me.

Her brother swallowed hard, not saying a word.

— You always knew that I love dad more than anything in the world and that I’d never do anything to hurt him. The first thing you did after the shit that happened with my Instagram was tell him. You went to send a fucking audio saying that you were at dad's disposal to solve my situation the easy or the hard way.

— Did you hear the audio?

Niki played the audio for her and Toto during his first dinner with Niki and Marlene as her boyfriend. The anger in Mathias' voice, and the harsh words stuck in Elisabeth's mind, even though Niki seemed to think it was funny.

— Yes. And be honest, what did you think you were going to do to solve my situation together with dad? Would you go all the way to Oxford and drag me out of my house by the hair? Would you try to kill Toto? Or both of us?

— I thought I'd talk to you two — he murmured.

— Like you talked to me in Spa? I'm sorry, Mathias, but I don’t believe a word you say.

— Elisabeth…

She ran a hand over her face. She wanted to end this conversation.

— Look, Mathias, I only have one thing to say to you — Elisabeth said — Some things never change. You will forever be my brother and I will always love you. However, I can't pretend that you didn't hurt me with the worst possible weapon, which is the love I feel for our father. You destroyed my trust in you.

— I already asked…

— An apology doesn't change the past, Mathias — Elisabeth cut him off — An apology is like tearing a page out of a notebook after having written a wrong word with a pen. And, I'm sorry, but it's too soon for me to tear out the page you've scribbled through.

He stared at her in silence, absorbing what she had just said. Turning to the dishwasher, she loaded some more silverware and closed the door, pressing a button to start the cycle. Then, with her head high and her heart sinking, Elisabeth looked at her brother.

— Excuse me — she said, solemnly, before leaving the kitchen, as well as Mathias, behind.

#toto wolff #toto wolff fluff #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #f1 x oc #formula 1 fic #formula 1 fanfic #wlffog #formula 1 x oc #natsversion #niki lauda #scwlff

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anchorandrope · 1 month

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Source (web archive) | Article below the cut

LOTTIE TOMLINSON: After I lost my mum and then my little sister, I was so fearful of losing my life too, I couldn't leave the house...

Sometimes I gaze at my two‑year-old son with his big, blue eyes and soft, blond hair and one thought in particular overwhelms me.

Just how much my wonderful mum would have adored him. He's so amazing, so funny, so gorgeous and, knowing how much Mum loved babies and children – she was a midwife who had seven of her own – I just know she would have gone crazy for him. It's a realisation that stops me in my tracks every single time. Sadly, my mum, Johannah, never got to meet her first grandson.

She died in December 2016 from leukaemia when I was only 18. I lost the one person who loved me unconditionally and had always given me reassurance and support.

The hardest part of becoming a mother myself has been not having my own around to witness it. When things went wrong in labour, I cried out to Mum, asking her to help me. After my son was finally born, the pain of knowing she would never hold him brought fresh agony.

And whenever I hit challenges – such as breastfeeding struggles – I didn't want to ask anyone else for help. If I couldn't ask her, I told myself, I would just have to work it out for myself, which has obviously made life harder still. But I guess my stubbornness was yet another expression of my grief.

With this in mind, you might well wonder why I named my son Lucky. Particularly when I tell you that two years after my mum's death, my precious little sister, Fizz, also died, aged only 18, from an accidental drug overdose, having struggled to come to terms with Mum's death. It was a devastatingly shocking way to lose my best friend.

There's no denying that life has been incredibly hard on our family. But underneath it all I do feel lucky; as someone who is no stranger to tragedy, when good fortune does come I appreciate it even more. And I was overjoyed to be able to have a child with the man I love.

My partner, Lewis, and I decided our son's name halfway through the pregnancy after Lewis mentioned that he was working on a deal with a man whose business partner was named Lucky. I instantly loved it, without discovering until after his birth just how deeply connected to it I already was. Someone asked if I'd named my son Lucky because of Fizz. I had no idea that the Latin roots of her full name, Félicité (Felicitas), meant lucky. It felt profound.

This also reminded me of Mum's courageous spirit; she chose The Luckiest by Ben Folds to be played at her funeral, which said so much about her character.Even when Mum knew she was going to die, she still considered herself lucky to have had us all.

As a family, we have been dealt some dizzying highs as well as those crashing lows. My older brother Louis was in what was then the world's most famous boy band, One Direction, and his astronomic rise to stardom changed our fortunes for ever.

We grew up in Doncaster, in a three-bedroom house in a little place called Bessacarr. Mum had moved there with Louis as a single mum in the mid-1990s. My dad, who she fell in love with and married within the year, had been her next-door neighbour. Louis was nearly seven when I was born in 1998.

Fizz came along two years later, followed by our twin sisters, Phoebe and Daisy, in 2004. We girls shared a room, sleeping in two separate bunk beds. Life was hectic, but I loved it.

Mum was the centre of our world. Her career as a midwife was demanding, but she always had time for us; she had a solution for any problem we took to her.

Unsurprisingly, Louis spent his time singing and being musical. Fizz was smart, unique, outspoken and opinionated. She had the biggest heart, the kindest soul. The twins, who were identical, were a naughty double-act, tricking their teachers, who couldn't tell them apart.

Growing up, Dad had a drinking problem. When he was drunk, he'd argue with Mum and things felt chaotic. They divorced when I was 13. I'm proud to say Dad is now healthy and sober – after Mum died, he went to rehab and got himself clean. Despite my parents' split, we were a normal family until Louis went to an X Factor audition in 2010 when he was 18.

When Mum said he'd been put in a boy band we thought it was a joke. She sent us a picture of Louis, Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik and Liam Payne on a flight of steps at Simon Cowell's house. I was speechless. I never got used to coming home from school and seeing our front garden full of girls and journalists waiting for him.

About a year after my parents split, Mum met her second partner, Dan. We moved into a bigger home and they had another set of twins together, Doris and Ernie, born in 2014. I'd always loved babies, and was hands-on with my younger siblings.

I found school a struggle. I was anxious and shy and wasn't academic like Fizz. When I failed to get the grades to enter sixth form, Mum suggested I make a career of my love of beauty products. The year before, during the summer holidays, she had arranged for me to do work experience with One Direction's hair and make-up artist Lou Teasdale, at her London agency, The Book. Now she suggested I assist Lou on the One Direction tour.

What should have been a week's work experience in the US saw me staying for the rest of the world tour.

My career as an Instagram influencer was taking off as I began working with brands – later launching my own tanning brand Tanologist – and building a huge social media following. I grew in confidence, and returned home a mature young woman forging my own career.

In early 2016, I was still readjusting to being back in my old surroundings, catching up with old friends, when I received the terrible news that Mum, who was just 43, had been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia, a severe form of blood and bone marrow cancer. Her partner Dan broke the news over the phone with Mum in the background. She couldn't bear to tell me herself.

t was hard accepting Mum's role within the family had suddenly and dramatically changed. She'd always been the centre of our world. She had all this strength and knew all the answers. Now, she was laid up in a hospital bed, helpless. Her situation was out of everyone's control.

From the start, Mum said we couldn't tell anyone, not even close friends. She was the sort of person who didn't want people feeling sorry for her. But I found it quite hard and lonely not being able to tell anyone close to me.

Watching Mum fade away was painful. When her doctors said there was nothing else they could do, I lay on the bathroom floor and sobbed, convinced I wouldn't survive losing her. For a while, she was allowed out of hospital for daily visits to Louis's house in London, and for my 18th birthday, she managed to organise a celebration for the entire family.

She hired a tepee for the garden and we had a buffet-style picnic. My birthday cake was decorated with all sorts of edible cosmetics such as lipsticks and eyeshadows. It was the last birthday I had with her, so the memory is bittersweet, but that was my mum all over, still making the effort to make us all feel special.

Mum passed away, eight months after her diagnosis, on December 7, 2016. Grief hit me in waves. I'd try not to let myself get upset or cry, then it'd all come out, in the most unbearable pain, and I'd sob uncontrollably.

I found purpose in helping my grandparents look after my younger siblings. Phoebe and Daisy were 12, and Doris and Ernie were just two.

But I couldn't believe I'd never be able to wake up in the morning, come downstairs and see my mum again; we'd never even speak on the phone again. It's those simple, normal moments that I still miss the most.

I'll never get over this, I thought. I'll never be able to live without my mum. But I knew I had to try. I moved to London, where life was all about working hard and partying harder. This was a release, and let me temporarily park my grief. But I didn't know anyone who'd experienced what I had, so I couldn't relate to people on a deeper level. Girls my age still had their mums, which felt emotionally isolating.

And I was worried about Fizz, who was at boarding school in London doing her A-levels.

We'd go out together and I noticed her taking things further than everyone else. It seemed like she'd gone from feeling numb over Mum's death to being hit by how overwhelming it all was. Now she was trying to get that numbness back via drugs and drinking.

Her boarding school would call saying she'd stayed out or missed curfew. She began distancing herself from the family, going missing for days, ignoring messages. Louis and I realised she was partying and taking drugs, doing anything she could to escape the pain of losing the only person who ever understood her. We showed her love and support, we got her professional help – but without Mum nothing ever felt enough.

I agonised over whether to go on my much-needed holiday to Bali, but in the end I thought we could be in this position for years; I couldn't never go away.

Three days into the trip, I heard that Fizz had gone missing. Her phone was off, she wasn't replying to text messages and I couldn't get hold of her friends. I felt panic-stricken. I was sitting on my hotel balcony when Louis called to say Fizz had died. I just remember screaming. Over and over again, I kept screaming: 'No, my baby sister, no.' The pain was all-consuming.

Losing Mum was terrible but, because she was ill with cancer, death always felt like a possibility. I never thought we would actually lose Fizz.

My anxiety went to a whole other level after that. Before, most of it was general worry. But now, I could be on the motorway, sitting in the passenger seat of a car, and suddenly be convinced we were going to crash and die. I'd walk into a shop and worry that someone was going to grab and kill me. Some days I wouldn't go out because I kept fixating on when the next bad thing would happen.

One day, I was in the car with Lou – she went from being my boss to becoming one of my closest friends – coming back from a work trip and we started talking about Fizz. I began screaming. In that moment it was the only way I knew how to communicate the pain, anger and sadness I was in.

'Why?' I kept screaming. 'Why?' I wanted to know why Fizz had been taken from us? Why Mum? Why me and my family? Why?

Lou suggested I go to therapy. Having someone to speak to, who had an unbiased opinion about everything, a place where I could dump what I needed to say and clear my mind, somehow lightened the load and made day-to-day life a bit easier.

I learnt that talking about grief is so important. During the pandemic, I wanted to help make grief less of a scary subject for other people and started working with the charity Sue Ryder, which offers bereavement support. Today, I'm a patron and help lobby Parliament for better access to bereavement counselling.

I met my fiance, Lewis, in 2020. Our connection was so strong and I quickly started trusting him in a way I'd never imagined possible. We'd only been together a few months when I became pregnant with Lucky. It was unplanned and I was scared. I was still only 23, focusing on my career and in a new relationship. But somehow being pregnant made me feel close to Mum; like I was stepping into her shoes by becoming a mother.

But I felt sad that she couldn't share this journey with me. I had questions I knew she'd have the answers to. Time and again I wanted to ask her: is this normal?

I was desperate to give birth naturally, but at 37 weeks the baby stopped moving as much and I had to be induced. Labour wouldn't start and after two days I was told that, if I wasn't dilating by morning, I'd need a C-section.

I was so upset. I went for a walk and I remember thinking, silly as it sounds, why hasn't Mum helped me with this? She'd know how much I'd want to give birth naturally. And then I said out loud to her: 'Can you please help me?' An hour later, my waters broke. Lucky was born the next day.

I experienced such intense emotions after giving birth. I felt scared that something was going to happen to my baby; just looking at him made me cry. I remember thinking: 'If anything ever happens to you, I'll never survive losing you.' After experiencing the worst things that could ever happen, twice, that fear felt very real.

But being someone else's everything, which I am to Lucky, is comforting. Becoming a mum has replaced something in my heart that I thought was lost for ever when Mum passed away.

Something about that bond has stepped in for the mother-daughter relationship I lost.

Before Lewis, I was cynical about being with someone for ever. I couldn't believe things could last. Mum had died. Fizz had died. And my parents' marriage hadn't worked out.

But when Lewis proposed to me last November, I could see the future spanning out in front of me and didn't hesitate to say yes.

My younger sister Phoebe's a mum now, too, to a little girl, Olive. Because I'd already had Lucky, I was able to fill the gap of Mum not being there and answer any questions she had. That would make Mum happy.

As a family, we all have an awareness of how short life can be, which makes us love so much harder. That's the positive that comes out of all this heartbreak. We were always close, but it's made us more protective of each other and so loving.

I miss Mum and Fizz so very much. Having experienced such deep sadness in my life, I've also found great joy. I'm getting married, I'm pregnant again – our second baby is due in January. I have a career I love, a beautiful relationship with Lewis and a strong family I can lean on.

So, you see, despite everything, I really am a lucky girl.

#babygate #09.08.2024

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jonghyuns-husband · 2 years

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(CW // Dec 18th, suicide, victims of harassment, violence, mental health talk)

Since I want to spread this hashtag more, I would like to talk about the Shawols that I lost over the years and bring their voices up.

Clem was a friend I met on Wattpad back in 2015 when I was 11 and she was 14. She was one of the closest and the first online friend I’ve ever had. She loved to make SHINee stories for fun and she also helped me to write better. She was an amazing writer who took great passion for her work as well as her being a big advocate for the LGBTQ+ community according to her sister who came out as lesbian a year before we met.

Unfortunately, Clem was bullied at her college and her workplace, including on her online accounts. This would occur about 1-2 month after the death has been announced. On the 15th of December 2018, 3 days after Jonghyun’s first anniversary, she couldn’t take it anymore and took her own life. She was 17.

Sam was a girl in the secondary school who was 2 years older than me. I remembered talking to her once and that was it. She also really loved Jonghyun and Onew and was a BIG fan of the group.

One day, she stopped coming to class. There was a rumour going around saying that Sam took her own life after being hate bombed for posting about Jonghyun positively to cope with the pain. The last time she was in class, a guy mentioned his passing without warning which triggered the girl to stand up and leave. Ever since then, she was never seen again. The guy thought that it was his fault, but it turned out that she was going through a lot recently and couldn’t take it anymore. If it was true, then she died on the 9th of January 2018 aged 16 years old.

Ayami was a close friend of mine since Year 1. Interesting fact, she was actually born in Japan and then came to the UK when she was only 4. That summer, she enrolled in my school where we met on the first day. She didn’t speak much English, but luckily I knew a bit of Japanese so we were able to have a connection together. She was a sweet girl that would look out of anyone who looked like that needed help. She even loved to cook and wanted to start her own sweet shop one day where she would make sweet treats such as cakes, cupcakes, brownies, cookies, etc. Fun fact, my blog @yutassweetshop is actually based on her childhood dream and yes NCT bias was also Yuta! It’s a sweet (no pun intended) tribute to the one I called noona, and yes I’ll never stop calling her that until the day I die. Never mind, she’ll still be my noona anyways.

Although yes she had been harassed around his passing when we went to school together, there were other stuff in her life that really pulled the trigger on her head. I could make a separate post talking about Ayami and what she had went through so you would know, but to keep it simple, her father did some horrible things to her as a kid that when she found out, she took her own life out of fear. She was 14.

The reason why I mentioned her was the fact that Jonghyun’s passing was one of the chain of events she had to go through in her life, and you never truly know what someone has gone through already. Even though she didn’t die over it, that still doesn’t make it ok regardless. It’s still an awful thing to do to someone who is grieving by acting like they are complete strangers and treating them like they had never once seen the man before.

Those 3 girls didn’t took their lives because they were obsessive fans, they died because they were HARASSED to suicide. I know a friend’s friend who was also a blinger that took her own life and her family thought it was because she was sad over the passing of Jonghyun. That wasn’t what happened. She was beaten up at school and was told to kill herself ever since she came back from the Christmas holidays. She ended up doing so in her room and she was so close to celebrating her 16th birthday. It was the same as Jonghyun’s. She took her own life 2 days before at age 15.

There were some people in my cousins’ lives that killed themselves too, but I don’t know them very much, but all of them will be missed. Any Shawols that I’ve missed, please leave their names below and tell me one thing you loved about them. You can even talk about their favourite song or albums.

This tormenting K-Pop fans thing needs to stop. I don’t care if you think teenage girls screaming about their BTS biases are cringe, this needs to end. It’s not funny anymore and it’s claiming lives. I could of lost my friend that I met last year just because of the dumb messages of them saying that he was disrespecting a “deadman.” It just seems so tone deaf that really, they’re actually doing the disrespecting and not him.

This is already a difficult month for all of us and I just beg, PLEASE DO NOT HARASS ANY SHAWOLS. Not just in this month where it’s his anniversary, but WHOLE FUCKING YEAR. Please treat us like human beings and stop making us change for someone who barely even knows about the guy until the news broke and now you want to be the fucking hero when you’re not.

Why don’t you do all of us a favour and just fuck off. I’m sure most of us would want that now. This is why some Shawols like me haven’t yet stopped grieving because of how badly people treated us over the years. It has been 5 years, instead of telling us to “let him rest in peace”, how about you let us “grief in peace.”

It’s like what they say, “don’t give his family condolences if you aren’t going to respect his fans.”

Never mind, I did.

Rest in peace to Clem, Sam, Ayami and everyone else who took their lives due to these kinds of people either in real life or online. Rest in peace to the main guy himself, Kim Jonghyun. Thank you so much for taking care of those lost souls for us. Trust me, this was never your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself for any of this. Disgusting pricks like them (the people who harasses Shawols) has always existed since the beginning of time.

Please don’t cry because of the Shawols that went your route but be happy since you made their dreams come true.

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monsterrae1 · 2 years

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Seven Sentence Sunday

The lovely @zaddydiaz Gee🖤 tagged me in Snippet Saturday; but I’m turning into Seven Sentence Sunday cause it’s Sunday here already! (And I forgot about my laundry so now it’s 1am and I gotta wait for the dryer to finish)

I'm working on the last chapters of Till Now before I lost myself to my december fics, so here's some soft date night buddie:

They had talked about watching a movie, but even that seemed like too much energy for them, so instead they threw all the cushions from the couches in the floor where the coffee table usually was, and made one big giant bed, putting out their ugliest set of sheets so they wouldn’t care if they dropped anything that stained; and just sat there, ate, and talked, soft music playing from the TV as Buck had connected his phone to it.

“Do you think we can get some time off together at some point? After I’m officially a firefighter?” Eddie asked, almost empty cartoon of Thai curry rise in his hand, “How would you feel about a trip to Texas? To see my sisters?”

“And your parents?” Buck asked, raising an eyebrow to Eddie, who sighed in response.

“I guess we can pay them a visit too”

Buck smiled “You should have a few days by the time you are out of your probation year, though I don’t know how Bobby handled it when we had Chris surgery and they had you in lower hours shifts” Buck dropped the empty bowl of animal style cheesy fries he had just destroyed “we might have to wait a little longer”

“We can wait until the summer” Eddie said casually “See if Adriana or Sophia are willing to keep Chris for a few days” Buck tilted his head confused “We never had a honeymoon, I figured, I don’t know, we can take some days away? Just you and me? Maybe Cabo?”

Buck smirked, taking Eddie’s empty container away and sitting on his lap, Eddie smiled at him, putting his hands on Buck’s hips, leaning up to press a kiss to his lips.

“A romantic getaway?” Buck asked against Eddie’s lips, before kissing him again “A honeymoon sounds nice, just you” He leaned down to kiss Eddie again, toying with the edge of his shirt, fingers gracing the soft skin under it “And me” Buck settled himself more firmly into Eddie’s lap, making the other man groan.

Tagging if they wanna do this @peaceofficerdiaz @loveyourownsmiilee @spotsandsocks @the-likesofus @jacksadventuresinwriting @bekkachaos @imeasyeitherway @confetti-cupcake @elvensorceress @ajunerose @swiftiediaz @lostinabuddiehaze @prettyboybuckley @rogerzsteven @buddierights @dickley-buddie @eddiediazisascorpio @katries @gaydisasterdiaz and who ever else sees this and wants to do it, tag me pls cause i love seeing new stuff!

#seven sentece sunday #buddie #buddie wip #wip till now #it's almost done I can't believe it #I am giving you the fluff cause everything else is pain rn

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satashiiwrites · 1 year

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WIP Whenever

So. @quietborderline knows this but I’ve been debating a major re-write and finishing of An Andromeda Tale after the whole… taking of my words thing last month and it’s really been sticking with me. I’m currently working on my WIP Big Bang (yay for trying to write 50k in a month!) which I can’t share per the rules of the Bang… and I’ve been outlining my July Rough Trade project which is going to be quite the fandom departure for me as well.

I may have overcommitted to things is what i’m saying… but i’m also seriously going to try and edit AAT… and have a regular posting schedule (yeah I know i’m not great with deadlines). So. For WIP Wednesday/Whenever… have a partially rewritten prologue with some new chapter art (aka procrastination at its finest).

Tagged by @outtoshatter and no-pressure tagging @monsterrae1 @alyxmastershipper @tkwritesdumbassassins @missanniewhimsy @megasaurus-regina @westernlarch @kikiroo @whimsyswastry and whoever else wants to play along.

Banner by radio chatter.

Title: An Andromeda Tale: The Making of a Pathfinder and a King, Book 1, Prologue.

Fandom: Mass Effect Andromeda

Pairing: Endgame for everything is MReyder. There’s a bunch of other pairings that make an appearance in the course of the story including some OCs.

Summary:

Scott Ryder never saw his life going this way, not that anyone ever asked him his opinion. Now he's pathfinder with too many people depending on his young shoulders and trying to figure out what he actually wants for himself. Reyes Vidal, man of mystery, former pilot and now sometimes smuggler. Who knows where he came from or his motivations but he's come to Andromeda to change his destiny. What neither Scott nor Reyes could have predicted is what their lives would be once they came to Andromeda.

Tags/warnings: first revision (aka Grammerly committed manslaughter) version that needs more editing and re-writing, Alec Ryder’s A++ parenting. Aging the Ryder twins up slightly as well as Reyes because I can.

From the journal of S Ryder, 2185 CE December 3rd (2 days prior to launch of Ark Hyperion)

No one asked me what I wanted to do in life or if I wanted to do this. My life’s path has been chiefly decided by forces outside of my control, first my career path into the systems alliance as a marine, then my career determination of spec ops as a biotic, and on to N School for training. Nowhere for me to go but obtain the same designation as my father or else be seen as a failure. No one asked me if I liked my life in the Marines—had I been asked, I’d made do with my options and felt at times that someday I’d be happy with life as a marine and exploring the galaxy one boring posting at a time.

Sure, my last posting made it clear I would go nowhere once The Arrest™️ happened.

Thanks, Dad. My career really needed you to participate in and run illegal AI research. You could have at least tried not to get caught with your hand in the government funding cookie jar and make it extra licentious.

The bottom line? When you’re the only son of a famous N7 Operative, options may seem open, but they really aren’t.

My twin sister, Sara, somehow got herself out of the situation I found myself boxed into. I love Sara, but some days I hate that she got out. Then again, getting out isn’t what she seems to have wanted in the first place.

My father, Alec Ryder—yeah, the disgraced N7 who has been in the press and got arrested for illegal AI research—has pulled off the ultimate guilt trip. Sara didn’t require any guilt. She’s joined of her own accord. I’m to report to processing tomorrow at 0730 for the Andromeda Initiative, and I’m going into cryo tomorrow evening.

Dear old Dad is playing God with my life and has made it clear that Andromeda is the only option left for me.

Since I’ve lost the few friends I can talk about anything with after signing the non-disclosure agreements this afternoon, I’ve decided to follow the suggestions of an old captain. When you can’t talk about it with anyone without destroying your security clearance, try processing through writing and then destroy the evidence or encrypt the hell out of it.

I’m going to try writing down my feelings and covering them with enough encryption that Dad can’t get into—I’ve learned a lot more tech skills than the last time Dad decided I couldn’t have my own thoughts as a teenager. Hopefully, he’ll finally have learned to let me have my own thoughts and space (boundaries aren’t a new concept, Dad). And if no one ever reads this? Well, then, this journal is just for me and whoever manages to break into it--hopefully far in the future when I’m dead, and it doesn’t matter anyway.

In the short time I’ve had to think about this, I’m worried about what we’ll find when we get to Andromeda. Then again, something is coming—something terrible. The rumors that Commander Shepard isn’t dead and that something bad is happening with the Collectors—I’m not sure how much I trust what I’ve heard and not heard. The rumors around the outpost weren’t reassuring before I left, but something has the vets spooked. I suppose running away to Andromeda might be less risky if the rumors are true. But why do I feel like I’m running away from my duty then? I don’t know how to process everything lately. I suppose I’ll just have to be a professional and take the role Dad’s giving me. Maybe I’ll figure things out on the way.

I did see Sara before she went to final checks today—one last meal together in the Milky Way. She told me she was looking forward to a grand adventure as a family. She’s so optimistic about Andromeda—it’s hard to be concerned when she’s so happy. From my perspective, we’ve never done something as a family that’s ended well. Maybe this time, it’ll actually happen. I haven’t really been around or available for Sara since Mom died. I regret not doing what Mom wanted, but I thought maybe I could make my own choices and be a real, proper adult for once. Mom would be happy I’m going—I just wish I could have had the option to say no or yes. I don’t know if I’d be here if it were my choice. I’m ending things here for today. Hopefully, I’ll have time to write before the deep, frozen sleep of 600 years.

#an andromeda tale #mreyder #mass effect andromeda #AAT-rewrites #Wip whenever #wip wednesday #scott ryder #epic slow burn

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nancypullen · 10 months

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I Lost My Mind

Sorry that I dropped off the face of the Earth for a bit. I have been in a holiday frenzy. I mentioned that I'll be flying down to visit my mom in Florida for a few days. What I did not consider is that taking a chunk out of the middle of December would send me into hyper-holiday prep. I felt like I needed to have EVERYTHING done before departing on the 12th. Ev-er-y-thing. So I put my head down and trimmed the tree, decorated the house, shopped, wrapped, wrote and addressed cards, wrapped some more, baked and baked, and finally checked the last task (packing and mailing a box) off my list. When I return home on the 17th my biggest worry will be preparing for the Christmas meal. I'll have a handful of days to panic. We may have tacos for Christmas dinner if I drop the ball.

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The mister had mentioned making the hour long drive up to Christiana Mall in Delaware earlier this week. I told him that if I could get everything done on my list, I could go on Thursday. I worked like a mad woman so I could go to that damn mall. I used to take malls for granted, then I moved to Dogpatch. So I met my self-imposed deadline (the last cookie was packaged at 7pm on Wednesday night) and went to bed with a heating pad and visions of shopping dancing in my head. I was not disappointed. It turned into the best day! The most wonderful part? It snowed on us! All the way to Newark we were treated to this:

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I can't even tell you how happy it made me. After our snowy trip we walked into the mall and right into a giant Barnes and Noble. Man, have I missed browsing in a brick and mortar bookstore. I made a wish list a mile long. *sigh*

Mickey and I split up and I visited Lush and bought a couple of sparkly bath bombs for my favorite 5 year old, walked a couple of stores down and picked up a little something for my sister's upcoming birthday, browsed in Pottery Barn and Williams Sonoma (swoon!), and put some mileage on my shoes poking around in numerous other shops. It was such fun, I felt like an Amish girl on rumspringa. We met for a quick lunch and then headed off to the local Trader Joe's for a few things. We didn't have snow on the way home, but at least the car smelled good from that sack of bath bombs. Tomorrow I'm volunteering at the Friends of the Library booth at Winterfest. I think I'm running the Pin the Nose on the Snowman game. I doubt it will compete with all of the bouncy houses and big stuff, but hopefully some little bookworms will find us. After the festival I'll once again become a crazy lady, cleaning this house top to bottom and getting packed for the trip. I want to come home on the night of the 17th to a house that doesn't need a thing, because we'll be hurtling right into Christmas. Note to self: never again travel in December. I know I'll have a ball in Florida. I wanted to see my mom before I start the library job and lose the freedom to travel whenever I want (I've forgotten what it's like to ask for time off!). My sister is going to join us and we'll be able to celebrate her birthday on the 15th. It'll be good for all of us, some girl time. And that, my friends, explains my absence. I'm a one-woman holiday crew. The house is pretty, the tree is sparkling, gifts are purchased, wrapped, and tagged, cookies are baked, cards are mailed, and this elf is done. Well, I say one-woman, but I am never alone. Someone is always there, watching.

See her in there, just behind the white and gold bow? I can't keep her out of there. At least she doesn't climb it. I'll try to write a bit more tomorrow, I think I'll actually have a little time. I may tromp around in the woods and look for some greenery to cut. I want to make a festive swag to hang over those ugly blinds.

Hmmm. Maybe not. Looks a little too busy. Maybe some light garland. Whatever, it's not like we're on the Christmas home tour. Until tomorrow (I hope), I hope that you're enjoying every bright and shiny bit of this season. Turn on some holiday tunes and boogie your way through your chores. That's what keeps me going.

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Stay safe, stay well, stay jolly! XOXO, Nancy

#Youtube

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blissfullybloomed · 10 months

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We made it, and we want more!

Today is December 5th 2023, it's raining outside here in Ohio.

Super Seattle day. It's beautiful.

Today's entry comes from my sister's couch, and as always we're going deep- so buckle up.

This platform, Tumblr, has been a sanctuary for me this year. I started this blog August 5th, and shared some very intimate things about my life with you. Today will be no different, other than…today will be my last entry…at least for a while. Maybe, I'll come back and reread these entries from time to time and reflect on the lessons I've learned, and the lessons I've help teach. Call it , “taking a book from the shelf”- thankyou. I have learned through life there are seasons for everything, and the season for this blog in this space has ended. So let's peel back the layers one more time, and then close the book on this chapter of my life.

I want to ask a really big question today: What is your WHY?

What's your WHY in your career?

What's your WHY on your spouse choice?

What's your WHY on your hobbies?

What's your WHY on your beliefs?

Today, we're going to talk about getting back to the basics, and your WHY.

This is the biggest lesson I've learned throughout my healing journey.

When you are on a journey ( no matter what the journey is), you always have to establish the WHY first right? Why are you going to change…why are you leaving a relationship?...Why are you leaving your family? Why did you choose to stop drinking? Why did you choose to lose weight? You get the point.

The reason behind the WHY pushes us forward and our thoughts now become actions. Actions become behaviors, and so on and so on.

Here's the thing tho…figuring out the WHY is the hardest…at least it was for me.

After July of 2022, I didn't know the answer to my WHY anymore. My sister died. She died and my entire life just stopped. I couldn't function anymore. It wasn't fair. She didn't deserve the cards she was dealt. She just left. Everything changed. Everything facet of my life at that exact moment was broken. I was broken. I was angry. I was hurt. I was lost. I was so lost. Have you ever tried to open your eyes after getting deep sleep, and you can't because they are stuck together? That's what my life felt like then…I was stuck. The ONLY thing that kept me going were my friends in massage school. Thank you guys. Some days…my friends weren't enough to get me out of the dark.

I was stuck.

Fins glued to the floor.

I chose to stay stuck for a very long time. Grief has a way of just ruling your life for a while…until you choose to remember the good. Until you chose to remember her laugh, and all the joy she brought to SO many people. My sister touched the lives of people around the world. And I will tell you that I know now…that she is my WHY. My sisters are my WHY. They always have been.

My sisters and I have been through some things that sisters should not have to go through. They are unspeakable things.

Our bond is completely unbreakable. Thank you for holding me up when I couldn't even stand.

We are all very different people now as adults than we were as children. We are each other's saving grace. We are each other's best friends. Jess still lives in all of us, differently, and it bonds us together.

With all that in mind, I figured out my WHY, and instantly changed my life for the better. No questions asked, and no plan…I just knew I had to get home. Ohio is home. Family is home.

Never in a million years, did I think I'd live with my sister and her wife at 35 years old, in Ohio. But man, it was the BEST decision Ive made in my entire life. No questions asked.

So when you figure out your WHY. Run towards it, as fast as you possibly can.

2023- We made it…and we want more!

Here's to 2024! Happy Holidays to you and yours this year!

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anne-lida · 2 years

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Hello, Lida *-* I saw some Japanese titles in your WIPs names, so... Do you speak Japanese and never told me??? Do you know I love Japan, Japanese folklore, culture and their traditional food?? Now you know (Nikujaga is on the menu for dinner tonight ٩◔‿◔۶)

So, tell me more about those titles. And... how many languages do you speak? Did I see some Spanish titles too? Mmh.. Interesting!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Hello, dearest Lady Connor!

I'd just ran around my bed in excitement for... maybe two minutes or more after seeing your ask. Really tired, but happy to see you in my ask box! ^^

Anyway, for the ask:

I'll be very honest, I just started learning Japanese last December and I still can't make a proper sentence yet--probably even less knowledgable about Japanese anything than even you ^^'. Really sorry for disappointing you ;_;

Other than their foods, I do really love tokusatsu, especially shows like Super Sentai (and its American adaptation Power Rangers) and Kamen Rider. But last year, I delved into Ultraman franchise and found a... deep liking into a certain character ._.

And that's when I made that first Japanese-titled WIP ^^

(Btw, all of my Japanese-titled WIPs are Ultraman fanfics and for now, they're still written in English ^^)

So, for 限界を超えろ (Genkai wo koero!), I did post the faceclaim of its main character, Kazuki Ōkami ^^

Story-wise, it's a story of Kazuki, a paralympic athlete who was once a big fan of his city's hero, Ultraman Srika. One day, Kazuki lost his best friend during an attack and he found out that his very idol caused it. He was boiled in hellish fury, but far from enough to give him an even chance to survive the giant's blow, if he should fight Srika.

On his lonely walk, he sacrificed his life to save a mysterious young man, who turned out to be a new Ultraman in disguise named Gala. To pay for Kazuki's heroic deed, Gala bonded with him. Reviving him in the process and giving him ability to become giant. A chance to fight alongside Ultraman Srika, or against him :)

Yeah, that's basically what the first episode is ^^

The story of ミスター • ウルトラマン (Misutā Urutoraman) is still not well developed. The main concept is this series' Ultra host is a CEO of a food company. He only turned into giant if the company's properties were at high risk of getting damaged by the Kaiju and often used the catastrophic attacks to create his company's heroic image as "the savior of starvation" kind of thing through food donation xD

強大な翼 (Kyōdaina Tsubasa) popped quite recently. There's a pair of twins who worked in a Kaiju defense force--one is a pilot, and the other's a naval flight officer. On one mission of finding the Kaiju's nest far outside the border of the outmost village, the pilot's team was attacked by a mama Kaiju and the base lost contact with them. As the Kaiju got closer to the populated village, a mysterious Ultraman appeared and saved the day. Yet, after a search, no trace of the fallen pilots had been found.

And this is his story of finding his sister (and the process of accepting the possibility of her death) and, while still in grieving state, helping other living pilots protecting their homeland (along with the unknown gigantic alien).

Btw, on how many languages I speak...

Uh, it's only three ^^'

Japanese and Spanish (and Bable aka Asturian) are not even one of them. So if you (or anyone else) notice any mistake, please correct me xD

Idk if you also ask about the "Spanish-titled" files, but I'll tell you about it anyway xD

It's all under a WIP folder of a very loose Power Rangers fanfic. It was inspired by social-deduction games mechanic (like Mafia, Werewolf, Town of Salem, Among Us).

"During the sickening century of old, there were murderous beasts called "Monscuros". At night, they searched for foods and followers amongst humans and at day, dressed like the humans. The people of Nagüestia didn't have strength to hold off against their devilish power. But under the slightest glare of sun, people took a chance to push anyone who looked like they did the darkest sin last night into trials.

"Those people claimed that was the only way to win. But seeing so many innocent blood spilt before a sinner was caught, some of them silently believed more in the fabled Layenda. The heroes of the stars, who also hid amongst the men until the sun went down, when they would strike the monsters at the heart with their silver blade and starlight spells. Saving humanity from those wretched creatures... and themselves."

And that's the somewhat romantization vibe of that WIP ^^'

Also, I posted a drawing of a Layenda in the past.

So, yeah. Thank you so much for asking me! ^^

#lida's story #ask box #tag game #names of files in wip folder #ultraman #Ultraman Gala #Ultraman Tunas #Ultraman Crow #ultraman oc #power rangers #Power Rangers Layenda #power rangers oc #I think it's been 4 years since the last time I got an ask--and around December too. maybe coincidence?#researching for fanfic purpose is a really fun way of learning new knowledge. at least for me.#is it effective? idk. I felt like I learned words from two dozens languages just through WIPs alone. but I can't make a sentence on my own.#but it pushed me to search for new foreign things with more open mind.#btw I had to hold back myself several times before this post become a wall of text xD #also sorry for the late answer ^^'

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thesundaycocktail · 2 years

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Christmas Poker

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... ahh that famous saying from Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. When I am in creative mode, I tend to drown myself in the words of the masters of literature. Dickens, Tolstoy, Hugo... actually I will stop there. I have never read anything from Hugo or Tolstoy. Saw a few movies / musicals but never picked up their books. And as for Dickens, I can’t remember much. We did read A Tale of Two Cities in Sophomore year in high school but don’t recall much from the book. I did manage to remember the teacher’s spiel about the first words of the Dickens classic to be the most famous of all time. The book draws a blank but those opening words lead me to this particular post about Christmas time poker, where I was Scrooge in one chapter (see what I did there) but a pauper in the second. How does one fall so far from one’s perch..... It’s the beauty and the beast of poker, holiday Christmas poker on top of that. One moment you are up, and another you are down.... and thrown in there for good measure is a cocktail. On we go. The best of times: Before Covid times, my neighbors and I had a card game going (previously told in an earlier blog) three or four times a year. We would rotate around each others houses, and play Texas Holdem. It was a neighborly affair. We would gossip, play a few hands and go back to the gossip. Some of the older neighbors would tell war stories about their local adventures and some of the newer neighbours would gasp and be shocked at the carry-ons from our nearest friends. In the game, there would be a bit of cursing, surprise hands and while not everyone went home a winner, we all went home happy. So this most recent gathering, on the 21st of December, was one I was really looking forward to. Our youngest neighbor was hosting, I had a ride and had a half day of work the next day, which was my last until the new year. So my mood was jovial and I was really feeling the Christmas joy. I counted the chips, we discussed antes and off we dealt. I was feeling confident that evening. I was winning hands, I bluffed a few and bullied a few other guys out of the match. Meanwhile, we talked Santa, Christmas, road detours and of course poker hands. I was feeling good and playing well (or is it feeling well and playing good – doesn’t matter -- actually its playing and feeling well). I managed to get to the final two from the original six players. My neighbor’s brother in law Jacob (who I never met before the evening) sat to my left and battled me out of a few late hands; I had to go all in, lost and he took the top prize. I shook his hand, retrieved my money back (as a runner up does) and we went in again for a second game. The chips and antes were raised, the time was ticking and we dealt again. This particular game went big quickly. The stakes rose (along with the heat.. I should never have worn the sweater..) and we all started winning big hands. However, I started to win a bit more often and after 90 minutes of playing, I bullied out Marco to claim the top prize. There were a few compliments thrown my way ‘You are the big winner tonight’ , “You played really well’ followed by the all popular ‘why can’t you give us a try’. I left the apartment taller than I had arrived. Bit of a swagger jumping into the back seat. Felt like I was carrying tons of cash along with the hopes and dreams of my fellow neighbors. I said nothing on the way home, as I just focused on not smiling and feeling like the King of kings. I was dropped along with my other mate and we wished each other a Happy Christmas and we went home. The worst of times: The second of the poker night arrived a week later at my sister-in-law’s house. I was feeling well (or is it good) again. My wife was driving, my mother in law was watching the kids and it all seemed to be going ok. My father in law wasn’t playing which was kind of a plus. I love the man, but he played poker in a different time. When it meant something. When men played and bet with deeds, keys and weekly wages. No joke. Leaving the table without your belt wouldn’t be a surprise as your belt buckle kept you in the game. My in-laws are also merchants, buyers and sellers. None of of them are actually in sales but they are hustlers, Christian con-artists and you will not get ‘one over’ on them. If a vendor threatens them incorrectly there are two possible outcomes...

(1) the vendor apologises and my in-law gets what they justly deserve, or (2).. they debate, the vendor loses the battle, the war and ends up losing their job. It never ends well. Don’t try to con my in-laws, it never works out well... Don’t kid a kidder as they used to say.

So with one in-law down, I felt better about myself. And I don’t know why. My wife’s two nephews (university students, who I suspect don’t do anything in school but study and play poker) always beat me, followed by their accountant mother (shock) her husband (a civilian like me), my con wife and to round it off the banker niece who strolls to the table in her pajamas. I never played poker with her before (or anyone in their pjs) and at first, she fooled me into the whole ‘which hand is which’ routine and even admitted to using the terms ‘a three pair of fives’ and ‘double pairs of 10’. In hindsight, is a three of a kind and a four of a kind, so I should have been warned. We started dealing. I was picking up a few good hands, won one or two hands and someone even commented on my tower of chips. Minutes later, I misplayed a hand. Thought I had the high pair (which I did) but with Texas Holdem, didn’t see the straight on the table. The other civilian won the hand and my confidence and luck went along with my three Jacks. To say, it went downhill from there’ would be an understatement. It was a mountain like fall. From then on, I over bet, bluffed terribly, folded when I should have stayed and raised when I should have gotten out of the hand. I was playing and losing bad. And the banker to my right started winning, slowly and surely. She kept talking about her ski trip to Andorra with her friends. By the end of the evening I was sure she was headed to the Swiss Alps with Hans, Freidrich and the Zurich Finance Conglomorate. She and her college brother fought for the title while my wife made a last minute gasp at glory only to be beaten closely by the banker and her margins and spreadsheets. I had to wire her my money in shame. The highlight of the evening (of which there were indeed many,) was when my sister in-law saw my poor spirits and decided to pour me some not-poor spirits. ‘Would you like a cocktail’. I looked up, tears in my eyes, hope in my heart and gave her a smile and a nod. She offered me a Bramble and Tonic. This particular cocktail uses Bombay Bramble Gin which is a fruit infused gin by our good friends at Bombay Sapphire. Tonic water was simply added and as a result, a beautiful concoction by no other was placed in front of me. I took a sip. What a joy. It had a beautiful infused taste with a combination of blackberry and raspberry fruits. It was deep, it was full of taste, it was a joy. It made me forget about my slowly dwindling tower of chips, and when I raised on a 4 and a Jack, I knew it wasn’t my night for cards, but my night to enjoy. We finished up, the banker won (as in life) and my wife and I said our goodbyes (not to each other) and made our way home. We laughed at things said and hands missed but smiled at the joy of family and friends. Dickens would be happy, or Charlie if you prefer. Just be careful who you play with.

Bramble & Tonic Ingredients 50 ml Bombay Bramble 100ml Premium tonic water Lemon Wedge - squeezed and dropped in

Method Build over cubed ice. Squeeze and drop in lemon wedge.

#@bombaysapphire #bramble #thesundaycocktail

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alizjay · 8 months

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Today is the birthday of a very special person in my life…

She was born on Groundhog Day of 1930…I'm sure her parents were overjoyed to find out they were expecting in the middle of the glorious 1929. Her daddy was a successful businessman and her mom, well not much is known about her. This would be their first child. But before this precious baby even saw the light of day, the world ended…everything was lost. And little J was born into chaos instead of certainty.

Sometime during her first 10 years of life, her mama gave birth to 3 more girls…little girls, ugh…what a disappointment! Also during those first 10 years, her mom and dad got a divorce. This was before the days of child support or paternity tests and her 3 little sisters grew up not knowing who their father was. They were completely destitute for a while, living in an abandoned train car out in the middle of nowhere until her mama took her 4 daughters and made the trek back to her childhood home. It wasn't great but at least the girls were fed…until their Grandpa died. They were back to having nothing and mama knew what she had to do.

Prospective relatives showed up one by one to choose a little girl to adopt. The precious preteen J watched as one by one, the “prettier” little girls got chosen first. She was the first one born and the last one picked. A great aunt & uncle finally took her out to their farm. She worked hard to earn her keep and studied hard in school. She was given opportunities like piano lessons and being on the softball team. One time, she told me about what she remembered of December 7, 1941. A day that will live in infamy. The only Japanese American family in her small rural community suddenly “moved away.” When she got to college someday, and learned the truth, she cried and cried for days for the poor little boy in her class and his family that must've gone to an internment camp.

She thrived in high school and college but she thought she would never find a godly man at a university, so she enrolled in a bible college to achieve the classic M R S degree. Imagine how different her life may have been if she had not made that fateful decision. She would've been free and happy, the trauma of her life would not have been passed down as severely. She wanted to be a teacher but she soon caught the attention of a charming but awkward freshman named D. He asked her for help with his studies and she tutored him. Soon they were in love, got engaged, and had a wedding. Everything was just wonderful!

She spent the next few years being the ideal preacher's wife because she was determined to never be abandoned again!

Their first child was a little girl and soon after, they had a boy. Within a few years, it became obvious that this little girl was different. She did not outgrow the typical tantrums of toddlerhood. I don't know much about the little boy, other than he grew up hating his big sister. When their little boy was 3, she got pregnant again and had another little boy. This pregnancy was very hard on her and permanently damaged her back. Now she had an autistic daughter (undiagnosed at the time because it was the 60’s) and 2 sons, the youngest of which was a newborn. They had already moved several times and D was never at home because he was always out doing “the lord's work.” She had 2 young children and a baby who basically spent his entire early years in the playpen because her back hurt too much to pick him up once he was mobile enough to get into things.

And despite the struggle, she LOVED those babies fiercely. And despite her always-working husband, he managed to spend at least one evening at home long enough to get her pregnant one last time. Another little girl was born in 1963 and she was so beautiful and was loved so much by her mother whose back was now so damaged she began to walk a little hunched over. This little girl also spent a lot of time in the playpen with her brother and they were besties growing up.

4 kids (the oldest with special needs) being raised with the perfect balance of unconditional love from their mother and complete emotional neglect with strict consequences from their father. One by one, they left the nest and spread their wings. The oldest, always close because she would always need them…the 2nd, moved to California with his wife and 3 little boys to get away from his dad because he tried to make a move on his pretty daughter in law. The youngest boy was so desperate for his dad's love and approval that he became a preacher too…but he was determined to be a better dad than his dad. He “loved” his 2 sons so much and “loved his daughter too much,” if you catch what I'm saying. The youngest child became a passionate educator in the big city and avoided men for awhie. She soon realized her biological clock was ticking fast and thought she wouldn't have value without a family of her own so she settled down and getting married. She became a stepmom and a wife and within a few years had 2 kids close together.

J's family was now complete.

The rest is just a tragedy…what happens to the descendants of traumatized children?…Well, they traumatize their own children. When you have an autistic daughter who was constantly berated by her dad in front of her younger siblings…those younger siblings raise their own daughters to be afraid of any and every possible quirk to their personality. Any differences were physically abused out of them.

When a little boy gets raised in the playpen and watches his daddy (who's almost never home) lose his shit and disrespect women and openly flirt with women who are not his mom…he hits puberty and never learns about consent. He soon believes that he's now a man and doesn't know what to do with these body parts that are now out of control…so when he grows up to have a little girl of his own, he just can't control himself cause she's just too pretty and he does what he wants with her little body and spends the rest of her childhood manipulating her into being perfect for him so he'll be nice to her and stop yelling at her.

When a little girl gets raised in the playpen with her brother and watches her daddy (who's almost never home) lose his shit and disrespect women and openly flirt with women who are not her mom…she clings to her mother like she's a lifeboat and masters the art of pretending perfection to please her stupid daddy…she loves her babies like her own mama loved her, but it's not enough to keep them safe from the abusive and cult-like world of the small denomination she grew up in.

My precious grandma J passed away in 2012 at the age of 82, in the hospital ICU, surrounded by her 4 children that loved her so much…but not her husband because he had to leave for a while to go run errands.

#generational trauma #abuse survivor #childhood ptsd #trauma #child abuse #mental health #actually traumatized #emotional abuse #ptsd

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hope-hui · 1 year

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Unit: Situated Studio Practices 2: The Independent Projects

Exercises

People's Experiences

Kayla (16)

My Dad passed away 5 months ago in April just 9 days before my 16 birthday. [...] A man finally entered the room holding a clipboard of documents. I prayed in my mind that everything would be fine and my dad would be awake in the room waiting for us. But, when the doctor told us he hated to be the bearer of bad news, I just sat there as he told us that my dad had passed away. I don’t remember much except the moments where I was brought to the room he was kept in. I hated how there were wires connected to him and a tube going down his throat. I couldn’t bare to look and he felt cold, unlike the warm feeling my dad usually had. Maybe a week after his death we finally found out my dad had a heart disease and died because of a blockage in his main artery causing him to have a heart attack. After my dads death, I found it hard to go to school yet I still managed. But I feel that a lot of people don’t understand what I’m going through and expect that now I shouldn’t be upset anymore which isn’t true. I know it’s hard and I still struggle today, but no one is alone and you shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk about how you feel or the loved one you have lost.

Michaela (24)

My family which consisted at the time of my parents, me, and my two younger brothers, were driving back home after church. My oldest brother needed to go to the library to work on some of his homework, and the rest of us went home. My mom had been sick with a virus for a few months at that point but she seemed to only be getting worse as time went on. [...] Then the death sentence came: Time of Death: 22:13." Coping for the next year or so was next to impossible and I hit rock bottom about 7 months afterwards, and took me another year to fully get out of that hole I was in. The pain of losing Mom is still there 5 years later and it is still just as intense as it was then, but I've gotten used to constantly bearing that pain 24/7/365.

Madison (13)

On July 28th, 2018 I lost my mom. The sherriff of my county came and knocked on my door while I was playing with my friend in the playroom. I thought my grandma had hit another telephone pole so I shrugged it off. When my grandma came to pick up all of my older and younger siblings except me and my older sister, I realized something was off. Me, dad, and my big sister headed to the hospital and he explained what had happened. I didn't shed a tear. My dad had said: “Hey Maddy I know you really love your mom so you have to come with us so she can see somebody. The Deputy hit her car.” I said “Okay Dad. I hope she's okay.” We drove an hour and a half to get to the hospital. We had gotten into the hospital at noon. I ran in and said my mommy was there. The nurse waited for my big sister and dad. My dad said the name and we were sent to a quiet room. The head doctor came in and said " I'm so sorry, she didn't make it." I was bawling but asked if I could see her. I got to give her a big hug and a kiss on the forehead. After that I haven't been quite the same. She was the biggest influence in my life. She was gorgeous and I'll admit, she wasn't perfect, but she was my mommy. In December My Uncle died, and My papaw died in March. I really wasn't ready for that. I don’t think I will ever be the same. In early July, my friend Danielle died in a car accident too. I will never think of anything like I did before. I will also never stop thinking about them. Grief is something you never fully go through, and that's okay. I loved them all, and the closure of knowing they loved me too, is what keeps me sane.

14 April 2023

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servin-up-surveys · 2 years

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survey #090

(taken december 15th last year; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Do you like pickles? I do, but only dill. There's another kind that some people use for burgers that is way too sweet.

What does your favorite shirt say about you? Currently, people probably correctly assume that I'm very much an advocate for equality (the shirt says "equal in our bones"), like skulls (features one), and am a supporter of Mark and Sean (Cloak is Markiplier and jacksepticeye's business). I am quite quite sure though that I'm getting a Rammstein shirt for Christmas (my mom is full aware that I am obsessed and it was one of the highest items on my list), and it's probably gonna be my new favorite or tied with the Cloak one, depending on how it fits probably.

Have you ever thought you could do a better job at being president? Than Trump? Yep, and that says A LOT because I hate politics and want NO position in the limelight, but a fucking toddler coulda done better than him. Any other president, no, I don't think so, at least not off the top of my head.

Best field trip experience? 5th grade, to the Asheboro Zoo. At that time they had meerkats and I thought I was going to pass out seeing them for the first (and so far only, sobs) time lmao.

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? It's exciting and I wanna know their favorite bands and songs, lol.

Is there anyone in your life who consistently angers you? My sister's husbands and really her in-laws in general.

If you have a job, who is your least favorite coworker/manager? Unemployed.

Favorite episode of Spongebob? Maaaan that's hard, Spongebob slaps. Maybe the pizza delivery one.

Do you have any silly/odd emotional connections to anything/anyone? The pebble I got for my "graduation" from the partial hospitalization program that changed my life. Everyone who was finishing the program was able to pick one from a jar, and it was meant to symbolize how stones go through such immense stress and pressure to become something shiny and beautiful. My classmates all held it in their hands as they told me goodbye and wished me well. I would break the fuck down if I lost that pebble, I'm seriously starting to tear up just talking about it. It's literally on this desk for me to see.

What bug frightens you most? Murder hornets lmfao. Stag beetles also seriously creep me out, but they look cool.

Are your parents supportive of you? Yes.

When was the last time you cried and why? Earlier today, a little bit. Ma and I drove to Wal-Mart to pick up a grocery order, and we passed by this clearly homeless woman that stays in this shopping center with some stuff in a cart. Mom sees her every time she passes. It is absolutely frigid and really rainy out today, and Mom decided to go to the Chick-fil-a across the street to get her food and a coffee. (I want to take a moment to add my mother helps out homeless people a lot with food and I think once even a drive somewhere, she is just so fucking generous.) I've been with her before when she's done stuff like this, but idk, this time just really fucking moved me and I started smiling so big and crying a bit as I watched her go over to the woman. This poor woman was keeping warm with some little candles lit in her cart, leaning over it. It just broke my heart so, so deeply. I'm crying now writing about it, I just wish this world was nicer to people. This world's an unfair nightmare.

How’s your week been? It's... actually been decent? I went up on a med recently and I've been notably more motivated and just happier.

When did you last eat pizza? [TW: EATING DISORDER MENTION/BEHAVIOR-ISH] Mom put a small one in the oven the other day when Girt was here. He didn't eat any though, he's stubborn as a mule about eating these healthy dinners he routinely orders, and he almost always brings one here when he visits. I have absolutely nothing whatsoever against him wanting to be healthy, but I still worry because this man is in perfectly healthy shape and is still convinced he needs to lose weight so sticks to them. He's very into the idea of losing I think like ten pounds and me, his family, and my mom are all like... you'd be underweight. And he once got pretty defensive about it with his sister, like he clearly believes he's not where he should be when he is, and I really do worry he has a degree of self-image issues he's never admitted to. Wow, this was a question about pizza lmao.

Are you currently frustrated with someone? No, not that I can think of.

Has anyone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? Yeah; my (sadly, now former) therapist had to give up on getting me into pretty much the best mental health service in this area; she and the psychiatrist that worked with her/me were only ever meant to be temporary, and my visits are up with them/insurance won't cover any more, and the desired place was simply much too far behind on referals to get me in in time. I was real bummed. I've instead been accepted somewhere else that Mom doesn't like, but Samantha (old therapist) reassured her their mental health care was well-received, so we're trying it anyway. I don't have much of a choice. I was supposed to be settled with an official psych care team in MARCH right when I got out of the hospital. The year is ending.

What was the last thing you heated up in your microwave? Pizza rolls.

Were you born somewhere other than a hospital? Nope. Just a pretty wild fun fact though, the same doctor who delivered my sisters and me also delivered Ashley's kids, haha. ... I think? Maybe just one or two? He retired at some point.

Are you currently listening to music or watching TV? I'm listening to "Lydia" by Highly Suspect.

What was the last thing you watched on TV? The first two (or three?) episodes of 1899 w/ Girt. I actually really wanna watch more of it this weekend since he's staying with me, I am SO curious about the story.

When you go out drinking, what do you prefer to drink? A margarita or sangria. Something sweet that doesn't have a strong alcohol taste.

Do you prefer regular or electric toothbrushes? Electric.

Have you received any compliments about your appearance today? No, only my mom's seen me and I've got nothing special going on.

What is your favourite type of cat? ORIENTAL SHORTHAIRS!!!!! lil Dumbo alien cats <333333

What religion were you raised in? Are you still that religion, if you had one? Roman Catholicism, and hell fucking no. Even as a child it didn't sit right with me, but I "believed" because I didn't want to go to Hell. Teaching your children that's their fate if they don't believe in a magical, manipulative, imaginary cast is abuse, btw.

What religion/spiritual path intrigues you the most, if any? Pagan stuff, like Wicca, or even atheistic modern Satanism (do your research before you get any ideas). I personally don't hold any of these belief systems because I think they make us humans seem more important than we really are (to me we are literally but little specks in an infinite space, in a tiny snapshot of time, that gives no shits about us), but the idea of finding holiness and divinity in oneself is absolutely alluring.

How many members are there in your favorite band and which is your favorite member? Gotta be honest, the only band member I know in Ozzy's solo career that is still a part of it is himself, haha. But man I would pick Ozzy REGARDLESS of the others, lol. For Rammstein, there's six guys, and I pray to Richard Kruspe at night while also utterly adoring Ollie because we're actually very similar, at least from the things that are public about him. I love all of them though, they are SUCH characters and absolute goofs together.

What heritage does your last name imply? Irish.

Name a stereotype from your country/culture. Do you agree with it? North America thinks it owns the whole fucking world, and in general, I do feel like most Americans think that, that we're like the main protagonists in life's story. Hell no we're not lmao.

Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? Why or why not? No, because guess what the fuck tits are for, and a hungry child should be fed when it's fucking hungry. I get HEATED about this topic. I'm that person that would genuinely sit with the woman if she was nervous to be a very willing guard dog, my shyness would be GONE.

In the last week, what’s the kindest thing that someone has done for you? Girt showing up with that squishmallow *and* his entire work schedule printed for the whole next year really meant a lot. ;__; The plush came from nowhere and he wanted me to have his work schedule just so I know where he is, what days are candidates for hanging out, etc. I did emphasize to him though that even on days he's off, if he doesn't wanna hang out and I ask, he better be honest about it because that is entirely fine, he's allowed to have personal time whenever he wants, and I do think he understood and is willing to do that, he's always been very honest.

What was the last kind of crisps you ate? Uhhhh crunchy hot Cheetos awhile back.

Do you think it is bad to have sex at your age? I am almost 27 bro, absolutely not.

Will you be having sex in the near future? To be entirely transparent probably because my mom is about to be out of state for almost a week, Girt is planning on staying with me so I'm not alone, and the only reason we HAVEN'T gone that far yet is because we both live with our moms right now and the idea of going that far with a mom like in the next room or something is Very Uncomfy lmao especially when I'm a virgin so I have zero idea how I'd react.

What is your ring tone? Something that came with the phone. It's always on vibrate, so I really don't even know what it is.

Have you ever phoned a sex hot line? ON GOD when my little sister, neighbor, and I had our prank call phase as kids, we once accidentally found one 😭

When was the last time you made friends with old enemies? I mean I guess when Rachel (Jason's ex/first real gf) reached out to me on Facebook and we became friends. She hated my guts in high school because first Juan wanted me instead of her (I STILL don't know if they ever actually dated or what the hell they had going on), and then I dated Jason so apparently I "had a thing for her leftovers." She once even threatened to punch me and once aggressively snatched my arm during lunch to pull me in and tell me something that resulted in me leaving Juan (which ultimately was a blessing in disguise for sure). We're totally cool now though, she was a boy-crazy teenager with an attitude, but now we'll sometimes like comment on each others stuff, react, yada yada, we're cool. She grew up, and so did I. She actually recently got married to one of my former classmates, I even almost WENT to the wedding (via public invite to FB friends) but decided I didn't care THAT much, lol.

Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? Invalidate my trauma.

Do you find body hair sexy? Depends, I guess. I THINK I'm more attracted to less but idk.

Who was the last person in your bed other then yourself? Besides my cat, Girt.

Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so?

What is your current MySpace song? Ancient survey, but I DO remember it was fucking "Pocketful of Sunshine" lmfao

Can you do a backwards london bridges? God no, even when I was fit I couldn't bend back and do it. I could lay DOWN on the ground and push myself up to do it, but that's it.

Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. A vet said Cookie could lose a little bit of weight and be perfect, but she's not considered overweight either.

Has anyone ever bought you a ring? My mom has, as well as Jason. I ended up losing the one mom got me down the sink (was not happy, it was really pretty), and the one Jason got, the gem actually came off really quickly and I kept it and the ring itself in a treasure box for a while, but not anymore.

Name three of your favorite colors: Light pink, coral, and hot/neon pink. Basically, PINKS lmao.

Have you ever been baptized? I was as a baby, yeah. Wish I'd made it boil. :^)

Have you been circumcised? I'm a cis female so have not been in this situation.

Would you circumcise your son? This is a decision that I would mostly leave to Girt. Being naturally a woman I simply can't properly relate to/fathom this topic. From the perspective I DO have from what I *can* understand, I'd absolutely want my son to have ease of staying clean, and I also would never want him bullied (not that I'd want or expect my kid to share this information with pretty much anyone), but at the same time, genital mutilation is not fucking cool. I have zero idea what anesthetics (if any) they use or ANYTHING, so I'd have to research this topic more and get input from the dad.

[TW: RAPE/MOLESTATION] Have you ever been raped or molested? Not to my memory, though so many docs by now have asked me, and it's been brought up before that I might have SOME sort of repressed memory because of so, so many signs. I genuinely don't think I have been, like I remember NOTHING, but who the hell knows. I had two boys in pre-k that absolutely harassed me (I've talked about this recently so not doing it again), but I wouldn't call it anything more than that, I think.

Have you ever been sick on your birthday? Hm not quite, at least I don't think so. I do remember I was RECOVERING from a stomach bug one year; I didn't feel wonderful, but we went to dinner at Olive Garden, and at this time Jason worked there and got them to do the whole "happy birthday" singing thing.

Have you ever tried to poison someone? Uh NO??????????

Have you ever saved anyone from a fire? I've never been in this situation, and hopefully I absolutely never will be.

Have you ever had a seizure? No, but I pretty much constantly felt on the verge of having one when I was on the med that made me manic, and at one point I came VERY near to going to the ER because my body was just violently, and I mean violently, seizing at very short, random intervals. I was entirely convinced I was about to have a seizure, but thankfully I fell asleep after being awake for three straight days. Stopped the med the next morning.

Have you ever had pneumonia? No.

Have you ever had a tooth knocked out? I had some molars broken when I fainted onto my chin on the bathroom floor.

Have you had a menstrual period? I'm a cis female so yes, I've had one since I was like, 13-ish. I actually asked Ma when I started today bc we were talking about how one of my nieces is nearly old enough to start and I wanted to pass away right then and there, on god. She is NOT allowed to hit puberty ok.

Have you ever had kidney stones? No.

Have you ever been bitten by a venomous animal? No.

Have you ever been pregnant? No, and I better never be.

Have you ever been sedated or put under anesthesia? Yeah, to get my cyst removed. Best sleep of my life lmfao

Have you ever used shrooms or any other hallucinogen? Nah.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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