#making myself cry is a full time job AND I AM COMMITTED.

[angelitaby]

future!leonardo x reader. tw; descriptions of gore, death and peepaw leo angst :3 does this count as a one-shot?

𝐋𝐄𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐎 is awake tonight, his arm draped over his forehead. he is completely alone. exception to the low glow of a lamp on his face. complex emotions are unfolding unbidden.

he can hear thumps and cracks from outside the room, familiar to the strong workings and sharp pains of his heart. the ash still rustles, patters, and sighs. it’s a taunting echo of your footfall, every light step a second he won’t get back. leo’s chest pounds louder. the ash storm buffets, his breath colliding rhythmically with the booming of his migraine. it's loud. like an agitated heart. pains and aches everywhere. he hears a snort of laughter. it's not real. it's not... real.

"you're getting old..."

a man filled with delirium from lack of sleep can't help but dream of his lost lover. his vision is blurry, but in the corner of his eye stands a figure, leaning against the frame of the doorway. it's not you. it's not you.

"you haven't been sleeping again, i see."

he doesn't answer, and the blurry figure moves in front of him, ghosting it's fingertips over his jaw like how you used to. cradling his face, running a thumb over his lips.

"what happened to needing your beauty sleep, leo?"

you are long dead, he should not be able to feel these sensations, but his body intimately remembers your touch like a phantom wound. he closes his eyes. and even if he was talking to himself, he couldn't help but respond this time. his voice is broken, it's so sad.

"i'm so sorry..."

"it's okay, leo. you're okay."

it's okay. it's... okay. he's—his eyes open wide, and he jolts up as if he had just been shot. your figure vanishes away like a wisp. and leo is once again forced back into reality. the reality that he will never be able to feel your true touch, and he will never wake up beside your forgiving gaze again. the feeling of you in his arms is something on the list of many things he will never have again. you're dead. and you're gone. it's not real. he has to remind himself. and his mind flashes to the night where he couldn't save you. against his will it replays in his head. flashbacks of you falling granted by some unknown force as an unholy gift.

a fate which made you beg for death. after feeling pressured by the eyes of a true monster peering through you and festering underneath your skin, writhing like worms through your sinews, rippling through your veins and kissing at each inch of the intricate maze under your skin until it threatened to break and face the sun. overcoming you to a madness. it laid itself where it could. your organs. behind your eyes, in your brain. in the deep layers. pulling your limbs apart with the power of a village, gnawing at your flesh to take as its own. with a smell that had made you want to vomit. it was dizzy. you wanted to scratch at your skin until it escaped.

eventually, you were unable to feel it after a sharp stab through your chest. your last heartbeat, your last breath. you began to see hallucinations. unable to see the world for how it really was. you lived in a blissful hallucination for a few moments. living in a distant dream, where none of this happened. a little world where you got to start a family, make a home. where you were safe. safe, because he was there. safe, he always was, leo. it didn't hurt, this dream. you knew it wasn't real, and perhaps it was selfish to feel so... so accepting of death, but fuck, did it feel nice. for once, you weren't in pain. were you smiling?

it was bitter sweet. it was beautiful. your skin split open, blooming outward like petals. blood sparkling like rain as it returned to the dirt. to be consumed by fungi that would continue the decomposition cycle with your marrow in its veins. eyes that were carefully embedded into your skin screaming as leo's ōdachi went right through your heart like cupid's arrow. they all looked at him. taunting. so, so taunting. it was like the kraang was laughing right at his face as it ripped you away from him.... you. you were gone. he felt his limbs go numb, he couldn't breath, he couldn't breath. he—oh, God. he couldn't fucking breath. donatello had to drag him away, but he was yelling the whole time.

and donatello, in an attempt to comfort his brother, he called your death something strange.

he called it... mercy.

[lotus-sunn]

SO DO PEOPLE JUST MAKE SUCH GOOD ANIMATICS AND JUST LEAVE THEM FOR ME TO FIND???

Longest animatic I've ever done, but it was worth it.

Leo learns to heal from the past and uncle bones is there with him:)

[louis--wifey]

Incorrect quotes with Texas, his kids, and some of California's kids.

■□■□■□■□■□

Austin: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!

Dallas: Merry crisis.

Houston: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.

San Antone: Hoe hoe hoe.

Austin: Guys, please.

●○●○●○●○

Dallas: I am the left brain, I am the left brain. "I work really hard until my inevitable death" brain. You've got a job to do, you better do it right and the right way is with the left brain's might.

Houston: I LIKE OREOS AND PUSSY-

○●○●○●○●

San Francisco : Where are you going?

Dallas: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!

San Francisco : I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!

Texas, knowing full well that San Francisco got Dallas an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*

●○●○●○●○

Dallas: I'm bored.

Sacramento : Wanna commit first degree murder?

Dallas: Sure!

San Antone, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Austin down!!

○●○●○●○●

Texas: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.

San Antone: Wow, I've gotta hear this.

Texas: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.

San Antone: You forgot pride.

Texas: No, I'm pretty proud of this.

●○●○●○●○

Austin: How do I ask someone out?

San Antone: Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, my bed has room for two.

Austin: No!

Houston: Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in a car.

Austin: Stop!

Dallas: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily I can make you scream.

Austin: I feel like the last one is verging dangerously into serial killer territory.

OMG I LOVE THIS I JUST LOVE INCORRECT QUOTES. If you don't mind I am going to be adding more to this. I read what you sent and it seems like all of them are adults so here is them as children/teenagers (?).

California, to their server: Can we get the bill, please.

Austin, singing: AAA CAN WE GET THE BILL!!!

California: Austin, inside voice.

Austin, singing quieter: Aaa can we get the bill!

Texas: Is Say-say gonna eat that chip?

California: No, I think she's done.

Texas: *takes the chip off her plate*

Sacramento, coming back from the bathroom: Hey, where's my chip?

~~~~~~~~~~~

California, singing to the radio in the passenger seat: She caught me on the counter

Austin: It wasn't me!

California: Saw me banging on the sofa

Austin: It wasn't me!

California: I even had her in the shower

Austin: It wasn't me!

California: She even caught me on camera

Austin: It wasn't-

Texas: *turns the radio off*

California: Hey!

Texas: I'm sorry, do you think this song is appropriate for the nine-year-old in the back?

California: Oh please, he doesn't understand any of it. Austin what's this song about?

Austin: Doing it on the bathroom floor, getting caught and lying so you don't get in trouble.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Texas, teaching Houston how to shoot: Squeeze the trigger like you love it. Gentle. Steady. Nice and slow.

Houston: You gonna shoot this thing or get it pregnant?

~~~~~~~~~

Sacramento, after braid Texas's hair with colorful extensions: Do you or do you not feel bonita?

Texas, in a monotone voice: I feel bonita

Sacramento: Wondering, because you look bonita!

~~~~~~~~

Los Angeles, crying: My earring came off in the ocean and it's gone

San Antone: Angie, there is people that are dying

~~~~~~~~~

Los Angeles: I HATE YOU!!!!!

Austin: OH? WELL NEXT TIME DON'T STEAL MY MONOPOLY!

California: Angie, give Austin your 200 dollar you landed on his property.

Los Angeles: HE'S IN JAIL IM NOT GONNA GIVE MONEY TO A CRIMINAL!

Austin: That's not how you PLAY!

Dallas: Daddy, what is brother screaming?

California: Shut the fuck up, Dallas. You don't get to talk after stealing my LAST RAILROAD!

Austin: I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!

California: ME TOO! YOU THINK I WANTED THIS?!

Austin: *screaming*

~~~~~~~~~~

*California & Houston going grocery shopping*

California: Could you grab me an extra-virgin-

Houston: I think one’s enough for the sacrifice.

Caly: Olive oil, Houston.

Houston: Come on. That’s funny.

California: Oh, its funnier than your freestyle sandwich rap.

~~~~~~~~~

San Francisco: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. we hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it

Texas: Francisco no

Dallas: Mistlefoe

Texas: Please stop encouraging him

[girlactionfigure]

WITH EYES FULL HORROR Thoughts on the Hamas massacre of Jews

I deliberated on whether to write this. It seems obvious to me that in times of war we should abstain from things that can demoralise and immobilise. But on reflection I don’t think it does that. As our greatest warrior was also our greatest poet, King David, I think we are a people uniquely constituted to be tough and soulful at the same time. We’ve seen a lot of horrific footage from the massacre perpetuated by Hamas. It is not weakness to have tears - it is holy. God forbid we should become unfeeling, numb bastards that engage in the kind of butchery these Islamic fundamentalists celebrate. They will think it’s a victory that they have caused us pain. They will whoop and halloo and bear their teeth in wicked, wolfish grins to see us suffer and think we are weak. Oh, how pitiful is their blindness to the depths of experience life has to offer. They will never understand we are the people who turn every curse into a blessing and that there is no horror we can’t walk through in utter confidence a better time will come.

So I am going to write this. 

At the same time, if we each process an ounce of trauma here and there, we’ll be able to get on with the task in hand - defeating our enemies - whilst keeping our heads in a relatively good enough shape to get the job done.

So I tried to avoid seeing grisly footage from the massacre. I wouldn’t open any videos. I’d squint my eyes and scroll past photos. I thought to myself that I know something horrific has happened - seeing specific imagery is not going to enhance my intellectual or emotional insight. I’d obviously get glimpses of nightmarish forms. Barbecued people. Deformed anatomy of twisted girls. But I wouldn’t focus. They were blurred glimpses of horror I kept in a fog so that I could try to shield myself from trauma. But of course it seeps in. And you inevitably see more than you intended. And you inevitably watch more than you should. In the end I saw the dead bodies. And I saw some of the horrors real people endured.

My grandma died earlier this week and her funeral is tomorrow. I haven’t really been able to connect with my sadness over that because of everything that has happened - the crisis that has demanded action and the saturation of hellish crimes that have accompanied it. I’m just low level pissed off and can’t be bothered with anyone. I just took a shower and started crying as images I’ve seen this week emerged in the mist of my mind. But it wasn’t the imagery of dead bodies. It wasn’t the imagery of corpses. It was the imagery that has really haunted me. More than dead bodies, what has really haunted me were the images of living people experiencing fear. People whose souls were still in their body and who wanted to live. It was their faces. And above all their eyes. There’s one video of teenagers at a music concert huddled in a bunker with shot children groaning on the floor. A young man films with his phone. Why? Instinct? Believing he was going to die and that people must know? To try and make a nightmare less real by watching it through a screen? And then we see his face. I’ve never seen such eyes. I have never seen such eyes. No creature should know such fear. Another video sees a hostage tied up on the floor gazing at his tormentors. And his eyes. The widest eyes that could swallow the stars.

These are eyes I never want to see again. I never want to see those eyes. But they’re inside my head looking at me tonight. I don’t know how to pray, to wish, to magic away their fear. I can’t abide their fear. I can’t abide their fear. For the love of God, fill those eyes with everything they’ve ever dreamed of and everything their family have ever dreamed of for them and turn that fear into a speck so small it is blown away on the wind beyond the ocean and never found again.

I can’t imagine what those eyes were seeing. But in those eyes I could see the swirling fear of every sin that has been committed since Cain killed Abel. These were eyes gazing at every horror that’s taken place under the sun.

My eyes are dripping as I write this. No amount of tears will cleanse away what we have seen. 

Oh God, what they did to them. What they did to them. 

There has never been a more necessary mission for the Jewish people than to destroy Hamas - and anyone who seeks to hurt us - so that no eyes will ever hold such fear again.

LEE KERN

[imagines-babes]

Lover (Quackity)

Happy Valentine's Day, today's story is also short I'm sorry it's about 760 words. The story is also sweet so if you cry I did my job if not that is also okay. Today's song is, 'Lover,' by Taylor swift. I do hope you enjoy it till next week.

Quackity List Masterlist

**********

In 2 hours, I will be his lover. As he will be mine. We had been planning this wedding for a long while even before he proposed. It all fell into place. Alex and I were like two peas in a pod. We have been friends for 6 years before he proposed. We meet at school. I went up to him for some help. Then after we would talk more. We both played similar games. Then asked me to be a judge for his discord got talent as well with the discord cooking competition. I regret that taco I made as soon as I chose it. We made many videos. Even competed for his love or host. I was sadly runner-up. Still he agreed to take me on a Minecraft date.

With all this going I started to fall for him. I mean he is smart, funny, caring, thinks about how to get better with everything he does, doesn't rush, and is genuine. He makes anyone feel safe. I'm lucky to have someone like Alex. Within a year or 2 of the meeting, he asked me about a date the rest is history. But when he asked to be his lover. Was a day for the books.

We were celebrating his almost finishing law school. He was acting more suspiciously than usual or asking random questions. I will question but he would always say nothing. For him, being a lawyer he wasn't as good as a liar. He would do this with his hand, placing his thumb to touch the fingertips of his other hands as if he was counting. "Are you sure you are okay?" I question once more till he stood walking over to my side. Holding my hand, "I will after I ask you this," I gave a nod to him. "Y/n when I first meet you over 6 going on 7 years now. I thought that you wouldn't give me the chance to talk to you. But you did, shit I was scared when you started to talk to me first. Almost shited my pant," we both laugh as he continues, "but somehow after that, we became good friends then best friends. And I knew I wanted to be more than just best friends with you. So I asked you to be mine. When you said yes my heart was full. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't have been where I am right now without you. To all the streams. To the discord got talent. To me reading fanfic about myself and you. To Toontown. To the smp. To me rambling sometimes about Taylor swift, Obama, and pitbull. To the cooking competition. I am sorry for letting you join. Through everything you are still there for me. Even if I didn't have enough time in a day. I know you would still be waiting for me when I get you. I am grateful for you truly I am. I wouldn't want anyone else to be beside me than you." Shortly he got on his knee and pulled out a box. " y/n will you make me the happiest man in the world and will you be my lover?" I said yes sliding on the ring. We both hugged each other with a kiss.

That night will be a memory I will cherish forever. Till now, me walking down the aisle seeing him with his suit beanie or not. It didn't matter to me all I say was Alex. He cried holding my hand. As he brought it up to kiss my hand. To this day, he always seemed to make me smile. We stared at each other as I wipe my face from a tear. Hearing him say his I do. As the officiant looks over at me. "Do you y/n, take Alex to be your partner? Will you honor and cherish them; love, trust and commit to them, through joy and pain, sickness and health, and whatever life might throw at you till death do you part?" Looking to the officiant and then at Alex as I nod. "I do." The officiant said to repeat after me, "I promise to love you and commit to you my whole life. I promise to be there for you when you need me, to be honest with you, to be faithful to you and you alone, and to walk through the valleys of life together, just as we will stand atop mountains together, too." We repeat as the officiant nods, "congratulation, you may kiss your partner!" The crowd cheered while he brought me in for a kiss.

[honourablefool]

Tw suicidal ideation (dw I'm fine just reflecting)

So mandatory disclaimer that I'm okay, I'm not in crisis, I am not going to kill myself, I have no desire to kill myself. However, this will probably be triggering for anyone who's sensitive about those topics. Putting that out there so yall can take care of yourselves. Now that we've gotten that out of the way.

I think about killing myself most days. It's like that when I'm in crisis, obviously, but it's like that when I'm fine too. Almost anything can set it off - hearing about something death related, not knowing how to handle a mild-to-moderately difficult situation in my life, boredom. Dreading a big presentation. Normal day to day anxieties and conversations.

It's been like this since the idea entered my head when I was like. 8 years old. So the vast majority of my conscious existence, I've been living with these thoughts. I've had near misses, sure, I've... made preparations. Never actually followed through, which the Fucked Up Guy in my head (abstract personification of these urges. Sometimes helps to think about them that way) would call cowardice. Thanks, Fucked Up Guy. Suuuuper helpful. Moving on

It's... just so mundane to me now. On an intellectual level, I'm able to dismiss the Fucked Up Guy and go about my day. Consciously, I have accepted that suicide is not a "solution" I will ever make use of. But the patterns of thought and action I built around the certainty that I was going to commit suicide, and probably soon--patterns I built from a very young age and reinforced for years--still interfere with my thinking and with my life.

I don't make plans more than a year in advance. I didn't expect to survive high school, much less graduate, and now that I'm facing down the last year of my degree I'm astonished to have gotten here. I have to, like... find a place to live. And get a job. And be an actual adult. And some part of me is crying on the ground and throwing a tantrum because, frankly, I wasn't supposed to have to do all that. I was supposed to die before I was ever truly in charge of my life.

There's a term for this feeling, I've recently learned. It's called "sense of foreshortened future." But that doesn't really get across how it feels. It feels like there's this giant void ahead of me, and all sorts of stuff keeps jumping out of it as time goes on, becoming revealed as it gets close enough for me to process that it's real, and I'll actually have to deal with it before I die. Obstacles to dodge, opportunities to grasp at, and every mundane duty I have to myself and the people around me. I didn't schedule a dentist appointment for two years because I didn't think I'd be needing my teeth for very long. I still need to request my mail in ballot for November.

And at the back of my head, the excuse, every time, is "oh I'll probably be dead by the time that's important." And that is Extremely! Not! Helpful! It fucks things up for me, and it fucks things up for people who care about me who end up picking up the slack.

I know I should be proud to have made it this far. Honestly, the most I can muster is surprise. It doesn't feel like an achievement, it still feels like I'm racing against time to juggle all the things the void that is my future throws at me until that void swallows me whole and I don't have to worry about anything anymore. My life is full of stopgap measures I've jury-rigged into continuing to keep me alive for far too long.

And maybe that's the rest of my life. Maybe, between the circumstances I was born into and the choices I made, I will have to continually dismiss the Fucked Up Guy, regardless of whatever else I do. Maybe the void ahead is one I have to keep exploring, despite my inability to look ahead. I still think my life can be worth living. I still want my life.

I think that's the most terrifying part. To want to live, even though my first impulse to solve any situation is to Stop Living. Idk. I don't have a solution. I just want a life, and this is the only one I'm guaranteed to get, so I'm gonna do my best with it. I can't see a way out, so I'll live through for however long I can. White-knuckling all the way, maybe. Fuck it. We ball.

[eternitas]

I don't hate kids. I just fear them.

I fear them and I can not get along with them. It's less thir fault and more my incompetence. Children are honest to a fault. Many can not lie without giggling, many bluntly tell what they think without really thinking of what that might cause. I fear that. I fear the honesty and ruthlessness of a child telling me my faults. As excitable they are, the idea of them telling me I am not good enough is terrifying. It isn't their fault. They are new to this world, they just learn to form their thoughts into sentances, their opinions into words, but I am fragile. I am scared.

Kids are a part of everyday life. They exist and they always will. But I am already sensitive to sounds and stimuli. On my one free day on which I have energy, going into a store full of families with crying kids that don't want to be there is like a direct assault at my energy level. And when I watch these kids I can tell that most don't want to be there. They are bored, overstimulated themselves, they feel uncomfortable, they don't like it and they want the world to know. It's not their fault. They are just tiny human beings bound to bigger human beings who live in a world where it's impossible to find someone that can take care of their kids while they go shopping. I also understand that kids NEED to be socialized and brought into social spaces to learn about the world. What a supermarket is, or what a clothing store looks like. You need your child there to make sure what you pick out for them actually fits and they like it and aren't uncomfy. But it is still too much for everyone. Parents are stressed, they lose their temper, their children don't understand what's wrong and their confusion becomes more and more audiable.

And I am right in the middle unable to escape, because I need a new set of pants and today is the one day I have time and motivation to leave the house. And I instantly regret it.

I don't want children. The thought of something invading my body and slowly growing in there terrifies me. It makes me sick and my skin crawl. Everyone speaks of how hard and aweful pregnancies are, but they swear that as soon as you hold them, that it was all worth it and a completely new world opens up to you. You are a woman! you will finally be fullfiled!, I hear my mom say, as my body tenses and my heartbeat quickens. The thought makes me want to run away. And what if I don't love that thing that grew up inside of me? What then? This is a lifelong commitment. I will have to care and be responsible for it, I can't just give it away and absolve myself of all my responsibility for a new tiny human being. No I don't want children. And if I don't really want one, then I won't have one. I will not gamble for a possible epiphany of motherhood, because a child deserves more than a gamble. It deserves a gurantee. It deserves security.

I don't hate children. I don't even hate what I fear. I know spiders are important. They need to exist for the ecosystem, they have their place in this world. They are truly fascinating. But I don't want them near me. We can coexist but please not in the same space. It's too much for me. It makes me cry, it makes me shake, it makes my skin tingle, my thoughts race and crash.

I don't hate children. I know they need to exist in public spaces, I know that is good for them and society. But it's too much for me personally. And Explaining that to people is often so much. This post alone is longer than it should be. I don't hate children. I fear them, they are too much for me to handle and we do not get along.

So when someone asks what I think of children or working with them as my job, or even having them myself, all I can do is shrug and say:

"I don't like children."

And I know they will judge me.

[itsthebethblogever]

Cute Abandoned Puppy

April 1, 2024

I want love but I feel unworthy.

I wanna wash away my mistakes but my hands feel dirty.

I wanna be patient but I’m already thirty.

I wanna tell my family but I don’t want them to worry.

I wanna get to the destination, fuck this uphill journey.

I wanna feel confident but my insides feel murky.

I come from a family that doesn’t express dark emotions.

And I’m repeating the pattern by escaping across oceans.

California’s too capitalist - maybe - just maybe! - if it wasn’t for the prices,

I would have stayed in the Bay Area and done hella tight shit.

Despite my roaming, I really do love my home.

Every time I return I’m reminded just how much I’ve grown.

Is this shit that I’m living all to make me realize

That Ventura’s got potential and I’ll help make it rise?

So that’s what I’ll do? After Australia, go back?

By then, maybe my brain will stop feeling so whack.

In future hindsight, when friends inquire, oh what will I tell them?

“How were your travels? The festivals?” Ah, the hell w/em.

The truth is my lack of flow has been a constant obsession.

It feels like my personality has gone through a regression.

What’s easiest is to hide my turbulent emotions with a smile.

Inside, the search for meaning perseveres, feeling longer than the Nile.

Always changing directions has me feeling like shit.

I must find my focus, the discipline to commit.

What do I want? A family. Security. Joy. Laughter.

Consistent community. A good job that matters.

A nook to read books full of cozy blankets and candles.

Card games, a shoe rack, someone to caress my love handles.

I ought to stop lying when people ask how I am.

I’m sad and I’m lost and I feel like a sham.

Constant worries about money torment my head.

It takes me an hour to get out of bed.

A laughter yoga workshop makes me wanna cry.

Even weed’s stopped helping - I’m low when I’m high.

So what is it? This funk, this era, this time?

To force me back to writing, remember to rhyme?

If so - then LOOK. I’m DOING it, OK?

Will sharing my feelings make the problem go away?

I’ve been banged on my head again and again.

If I was a bear, I’d crawl straight to my den.

There, nobody’d bother me and I’d have a look

Deep inside myself, meditate, and probably write a book.

About a woman who presented so happy go lucky

And underneath hid fear, like a cute abandoned puppy.

Afterword:

During the year I lived in Melbourne, I struggled to find a job that could support myself and the year long program I committed to. This and the dreadful weather lead to me spending much of my time at home, avoiding spending and the cold. Now that I’m traveling I’m feeling much better, yet, I find it hard to carry a conversation and banter with those around me. There is something in me that’s blocked or needs processing or something, which is the confusion I speak about. On May 27th I’ll attend a 10 day Vipassana silent meditation retreat, which I’m hoping will help. Let’s see how I go. Thanks for reading y’all, love to you <3

[hanzajesthanza]

oh my gosh you guys i'm so excited

diary entry about post-graduation update + channel and equipment update... (tl;dr at end)

as it's a new year, i really do want to make the channel happen, and though i don't make new year's resolutions, i make "intentions"... what's plausible, what do i realistically think could happen during this year?

during college (which is essentially the entire time i've been in the witcher fandom, not counting my senior year of high school), i had no time to make videos, it was a laughable idea. but i've graduated now, and though i have a job and freelance, my job is currently part-time / as-needed and i work from home most days. on top of that, i now don't have homework and three other part-time jobs—yes, that was my schedule in college: full time student with extra units/elective classes, extracurriculars (clubs), two to three part-time jobs and working on the weekends, and since i'm some kind of masochist and intensely fearful of handing in below-standard work, always turned in the homework on time. i LOVED college, but that schedule, those responsibilities... whoo... my life was, should i say "an extremely fun living hell," like an amusement park, but the rides run on your blood.

anyways, with the foresight that my work-life balance will remain around what i've gotten it to by the end of last year, and foreseeing no extreme life or financial challenges this year, and hopefully no mental illness (sounds hilarious when phrased like that, but you know. depressive episodes are real) i finally have... free time. and WEEKENDS! what a concept! and at my job, i'm the newest of the team, as well as a junior, so i don't have to fend for myself when it comes to handling projects, i just have to be present, listen, and do my best! i'm there to learn from my senior coworkers! also, in the past six months since graduating i've gotten more sleep than i think i have in the past eight years of my life. so overall, i've been way less stressed and a lot more personally fulfilled in my life. though i do miss college, and looking at photos from the past years and especially looking at pictures from graduation almost make me cry because i miss it so much, there is no way i am going back to that kind of schedule. i'll stick with a stable 9-5 or part-time, thank you very much. (if i ever do go to grad school, it will have to be in some improbably future where i don't take a part-time job during the studies).

but back to my aforesaid prompt: "what's plausible, what do i realistically think could happen during this year?" this year, i think it's actually plausible that i begin to make videos. not produce them on a regular basis, no, and not commit to a video schedule, but just making them. or crafting them, i should say, it's a whole process...

the funny thing is that i've watched youtubers since 2012 and learned skills in video production in 2016, but only now am i really discovering how challenging content creation is. everything really has to be meticulously planned if you want to make good content. it seems obvious, but since it takes so little time to watch a youtube video, i never really appreciated all the work that goes into them. and, of course, since i'm a stickler for details and "quality content," i'm not about to put out something that's sub-par. this channel either gets done right, or not at all. since it's my personal project, i have the right to determine when, if stuff gets put out.

that brings me back to the original point of this post.

because of the intricate nature of analysis, it's impossible for me to do a video without a script, i can't just "wing it," because i need to specifically structure my arguments and cite my sources. but i can't memorize my lines, and have issues with eye contact & looking at the camera.

yes, i could make videos not using my face and just reading a script while playing something unrelated, but to me, that defeats the entire purpose of it being a video—at that point, either make an audio-based media (like a podcast), or better yet, leave it as a written post. additionally, i think it's low effort and not explorative of the medium of video and film, which, again, if you're making a video, it should add something. another additionally, i highly dislike the idea of just playing one of the witcher games as background visuals and placing my analysis of the books on top of that. the books are their own thing, and as far as i should be concerned when it comes to "serious analysis," the games don't exist as part of the canon. of course, the games exist as a part of the community, as a historical moment and landmark of the fandom, but i mean in terms of facts i have to go off of—this is about the series by sapkowski, not the series by CDPR. i have to make that as clear as possible. i'm even against using character models from the games in these videos, because—that's within the gamespace. even if it's a custom model or modded characters, as is how i play tw3 and also recommend—i don't want to use it in these videos, because it would directly suggest that this is something which could exist in the game space. this is all just a tangent about my artistic direction, but i think it's significant and important to consider when creating something that takes so much work anyways (analysis posts are both a lot of work, and also personal because they're mostly ideas i've nursed for a long time).

on that note, that's why i do indeed want to use my face and likeness in the videos, even if it's not me by my real name or likeness—rather, pseudonyms and characters i play. i came to this conclusion a long time ago anyways, but it has to be me, i can't hide behind visuals... and i think using a sona or animated figure just cheapens it and distracts from the serious nature of the videos.

of course, this is all countered by the fact that being on camera is SUPER difficult!

i enjoy writing long posts and scripts, and i enjoy talking about these topics and saying these scripts aloud (especially if the topic is something i'm especially passionate about, then i practically know the whole argument by heart anyways). but having to say a pre-written sentence, without that sentence in front of me, is impossible—at least for me, right here, right now. and i don't have time to become an expert presenter that's able to memorize that much and still act natural on camera, because i feel like the need for a books channel, or some kind of "hub" for book fans, is urgent, and it has been urgent for the past three years.

but what i realized was this: yes, i'm not experienced at being on camera, but i think it goes beyond feeling natural or being able to memorize lines, and exceeds into the territory of "i can't say my entire essay off the top of my head," because i'm just not a professional in that way.

i struggled with this for a long time, especially because after i bought my camera, and after i graduated and finally had time to make videos, i felt mad at myself for not being able to execute videos right away, off the top of my head. i had the resources right in front of me, but i still couldn't do it.

so, not to employ the sunk cost fallacy, but...

as the new year rolled around, i researched and invested in a cheap teleprompter for the channel, just because i've been having a lot of issues with filming... and holy shit, it works. no, i didn't film an entire video or something like that, so i don't have anything to show at the moment. but all i did was set it up and use it to feed myself a script (some analysis i recently wrote) and oh my god, i was able to talk to the camera, without overbearing awkwardness or fear, with a smile and everything. just the liberating feeling of being able to read my script while looking into the camera made me so excited, i just had to write this update post...

my next step is to get my audio sorted. i want to directly use a microphone linked to my camera so i don't have to record on my laptop and then sync audio in post (i hate syncing audio!) but i think we'll see what the budget is like and go from there. i can use my USB microphone, but it's also something i have to hold in my hand since i don't have a mic stand, so i can't just act natural while filming.

this will work for the analysis videos, though i don't know if it's relevant for the fun ~fandom~ videos i have planned. either way, it's a good thing. i feel like i just got some much needed accomodations, this is fantastic.

tl;dr

i got a teleprompter so i think it will help me film videos, i tested it out and felt way more confident while filming, yayyyy ❤️

[sassypotatoe1]

I've had older adults complain to me about their or family members' kids fucking up and I always do basically this, before I calmly explain why it's either not actually a big deal at all or a good thing instead of a fuck up.

My mom was complaining to me about my brother wanting to drop out of his highly competitive highly stringent degree that consistently loses 75% or more of students by third year, which my brother is in, and here's the kicker: he literally just wanted to downgrade a single step to management accounting, which is still an incredibly prestigious degree, but more aligned with his interests. His current degree has major focus on tax law and forensic auditing, which he hates and literally cries about when he thinks of doing it as a job. My brother, who grew up on alt right YouTube, called me a snowflake unironically for like 3 years when I, checks notes, didn't laugh at his jokes, and heavily criticized me for openly crying about my difficulties and pursuing both therapy and medication. He cries about the future he's facing if he continues down this path.

So my mom is telling me she really doesn't want him to downgrade or drop out, and I'm the measuring stick they're going by I completed a postgraduate honors degree on full ride merit scholarship, so she thinks I'll agree with her that he just needs to push through and finish the degree. In earshot of him. So naturally I tell her I've literally counseled two teens through dropping out of school and encouraged a third who I lost contact with and am unsure of whether they dropped out or not. And I say "I don't agree with you about seeing things through that are actively harming you when other options are always available" and I explain that if my brother liked or even just trusted me I would tell him to go ahead and downgrade. Finish the year paid for so you get credits, which will make the workload less when you downgrade and look good on your CV.

I didn't know he was within earshot, but after he overheard that conversation he started, by his own volition, seeing a therapist, and taking it completely seriously and doing the exercises the therapist told him to, and when he saw that it wasn't enough he went to a doctor and got antidepressants prescribed. He started them last week. He's still downgrading to management accounting when the year is over instead of pursuing his honors degree and articles.

And I've been doing this for almost an entire decade imagine complaining to a 15 year old about your kid because they're high-performing and verbose so you think they're super disciplined and hardworking and that 15 year old busts out "yeah no I'm barely scraping by I've wanted to kill myself 3 times this week alone the only reason I'm doing well at school is because I'm stupid smart and have incredible pattern recognition I do the bare minimum of work and still want to die give your kid a break".

My high school implemented a system where every infraction marked on your record came with a text to your parents letting them know you got an infraction, what for and from which teacher. Imagine my teachers' astonishment when I, 3 infractions my entire high school career all for homework because I burnt out, kept complaining to any faculty member that would listen that I think it's an incredibly stupid system and explaining that the kids likely to commit a large number of infractions are also likely being abused at home, and that letting their parents know of every little thing they do wrong every time they do it will worsen the abuse, and consequently the behavior of said student. They did not Like That ™. Changed it to only let parents know of stuff like drugs, fighting and bullying and harassment.

Shame culture needs to die honestly there's always a way to fix it and grace and compassion makes things better for everyone, while shame only isolates everyone and makes things worse overall.

Parents really like to do this thing where if their kid is currently "in trouble" they will tell you about it, out loud, in front of the same kid, even if you're a total stranger. "This is my son and he's grounded right now for not doing his homework" they say, while said son just looks at the ground embarrassed. They want you to play along and reinforce their authority like "gaaasp! Homework is so important!! Listen to your mother!!!!" so obviously we all understand in this situation that we should really say "hell yeah kid fuck the system" right

[nonbeas]

Everything is awful

Tuesday October 15th 2024

Immediately after making that tarot post, I got in the car to drive to the wedding rehearsal. Then I got a text from my "boss" telling me they didn't need my help anymore and that I was basically being let go.

I hate that she didn't even want to tell me what happened, she just used the "we're going in a new direction."

Bullshit, like I couldn't go in that new direction too. We know exactly what direction we're going in.

So what I internalized from that was the new direction they were going in was against their word. A new direction that didn't include truthfulness, that didn't include anything they formally discussed with their past employees.

I had been idle, trying and failing to get seasonal work, probably because my job applications mentioned that I was still technically employed at that cafe, I was refusing to fully commit to leaving them, because I had believed what they told me before they closed.

I like to believe people that keep their word. They didn't. They're liars. They said they'd contact employees from the original cafe and give them preference before they reopen. They're liars. Or they forgot about me entirely.

I'm already struggling with my own self-identity, my own self-worth and what my purpose is, what I should be doing with myself. What career I should actually trying to be leaning into. This was another straw broken that's completely shattering my self-image.

So this whole weekend while dealing with the wedding, I haven't exactly been in the greatest mood. I want to like weddings but bad things keep happening this year.

I'm about to talk about texting and driving, so I don't want to hear about how dangerous it is. I know it is. I'm not going to gloat and say I'm just good at it. I will say that so far I've been lucky.

I wanted to talk to someone while I cried, but it's tough because it feels like a pity call, that really I'm just bothering people. I text a past employee, Jovan, who is sympathetic but realistically still has a job there. (I wouldn't know, he hasn't responded since.) He was family friends with the owners and they often talked about training him to bartend for the new place. So hearing about his fate, regardless of which one it is, would not really make me feel any different.

I text Mason, who tells me the whole things bullshit. I know it is.

I get to the wedding venue, a lovely fairy tale inspired European venue with a lamp-lit courtyard and a wood and stone speckled ballroom. I walk towards my sister, who can tell that I am upset as I am still crying and puffy eyed, and I sulk next to her and other bridesmaid. I comedically exclaim that I do not know her when she comforts me, because I am the one who is publicly breaking down at a wedding that may include strangers I don't know. (Her name is Xenia.) We all wait around for a while, because even though the rehearsal started at 2, Natalie and Brendan do not actually arrive for about a half hour.

Once they arrive I am gifted the dogs, who I immediately treat to two CBD stress-reducing chews. (This was not enough.) Brendan's sister and her husband are here, and their children are the ring bearer and the flower girl. They are toddlers and despite being quite cute, add another layer of chaos that really sets the tone to the whole evening. They simultaneously love the dogs and are afraid of the dogs.

Also, they are toddlers. Need I say more.

During the first walk through, I wait with the dogs to figure out what exactly I'm supposed to do. Natalie mentioned before that other people in the party might be walking them out? The wedding coordinator lines up the party at the altar and decidedly has them leave so they can practice a full walkthrough one more time.

It is then that it was decided that Ford, the boyfriend of the maid of honor, would be my co-handler. I would handle the older golden retriever while he would handle the younger one, and we would walk out after the ring bearer and flower girl, who are both in love and in fear with the dogs.

We are given shoddy instructions about where we are standing.

We go on a tour with the rest of the wedding party of the facilities. Afterwards, Natalie gives us more specific instructions about what exactly we should do with the dogs, and we do a private walk through one more time in the courtyard.

The next day, we would be given completely different instructions on what to do by the event coordinator.

Anyways, I go home and drop the dogs off. I'm still generally upset about the whole being fired thing. My main grievance is the fact that I directly asked them before we closed to let me know ASAP if they choose not to have me back, so I can focus on replacing them for work. They said of course we'll let you know.

They did not let me know, so I am officially unemployed.

Settling the dogs in took longer than I expected. But I do not mind, as I've been away from the dogs that actually live there too, and they deserve to stretch their legs.

Eventually I figure it out and kennel them all up before heading back to the rehearsal dinner - it's at a barbecue place that I had never been to before.

I'm late, of course, and I'm only there for about 20 minutes before it's clear they're winding down.

My sister and the bridesmaids all have a long list of to-do's from Natalie, and I ask to come along. If I'm going to be using this much gas for handling the dogs, I might as well make each trip more worthwhile.

We go to their hotel room, where I leave my car. My sister drives me around as they visit many grocery stores to find the correct wine, cookies, brunch foods and decorations for the next morning's preparation events.

Eventually, I go back home.

Four dogs, of which two are puppies, was a lot to manage.

As I type this two days later, they are still here, and I'm not sure when Natalie and Brendan's dogs are leaving.

It is a lot to manage.

I might have hexed the cafe owners.

The next day, I go to my mother's house to help her with some chores.

I leave and get ready for the wedding.

I give the dogs three CBD chews this time (it was still not enough.)

Ford and I are on dog duty the whole ceremony, and I think we do as well as we could given their temperaments and generally training. The older dog is better trained, but has a lot of separation anxiety. This is touch when she wants to be with Natalie, but Natalie is wearing an expensive wedding gown. The younger dog is actually the calmer one the whole day. He's simply more likely to jump on the toddlers when they're nearby.

They walk down the aisle perfectly fine, for dogs.

During the pictures we were on deck. When they were finally asked to come over for the pictures, stationed next to the bridge and groom, of course my dog is the first to step on the gown. This is unavoidable when you want to stage the anxious dog next to the bridge, who the anxious dog has been trying to find the whole day. I mention that it was going to happen eventually. The groom makes a snide remark, "no it wasn't, it was your one job."

This upsets me, because that actually wasn't my job. My job is to be a handler. My job is to not somehow perfectly train your dog, who does not understand what a wedding is, or understand money, or understand gowns, or understand pictures. I can only handle the dog the way the dog is before it is given to me. My job is bussing your dogs back and forth and holding them at my house so you don't have to worry about them. My job is walking them down the aisle so everyone can go "awwwww it's Brendan and nat's dogs!" before we literally turn back around and walking them to the back alcoves of the courtyard so they can be not seen and not heard.

My job was then to help stage them so that they can look cute in a picture.

Then my job was to take them home so I can kennel them and come back to the ceremony.

Your job is to support your bridge, who was laughing and literally didn't give a single shit that her dog, who she loves very much, was so excited to see her that she trampled a little bit on the very bottom of her dress after the ceremony and most of the pictures have already happened.

If she was upset at me, it would be a different story.

But this just constantly reminds me that maybe other people don't actually like me that much, and that when I'm reduced to a servant type position, I'm not even seen as a friend who is helping, but instead a literal servant, and all niceties are now out the window.

Brendan can fuck himself.

The rest of the night was pretty fun. The food was delicious. I was seated with Ford and a group of the wedding party. They left the salad and the main dish out for me. It was clear I hadn't missed very much other than the main entrance. All the speeches and important dances occurred maybe an hour after I got back.

I make my way back home after they finish cleaning up the venue. One more night with four dogs at once.

more to come,

Bea.

[projectarkquel]

When relationship ends, its stops your life for awhile and the only choice you have is to seat and slowly think and accept that some things need to end.

First heart break from a 7 years relationship— we lived together abroad. It was the longest relationship I had. Everything was smooth until it was not. The plans you’ve planned together is now happening with his wife. I’ve fought for it so many times and can’t even remember how many times did I cry, beg and kneel down to ask him to love me unconditionally. But then, maybe at some point he did not see his future with me. We leave each other with painful memories (at least for me) and after a month he was already engaged.

Life sucks.

Then here’s the guy whom I thought that life would make life a little better. He is a smart talker, full of sense, and a deep person with his flows. I thought that this was— a guy who would love me unconditionally and would make my dreams come true. But in reality, it was a nightmare- a trauma that destroyed me in so many ways. I truly loved him - it was an unconditional love that I prayed for. That person showed me what true love and commitment is the same person who showed me what true love is not. I believe that you have to commit yourself to a relationship through good and bad times, in joy and in sorrow and a sacred promise that both of you will make it through- and all of it was lie. I was left alone with nothing- I lost my job, a good career abroad and a family I dreamt of. And it keeps on happening the same scenario but it the pains digs deeper right into my soul and destroyed what ever I have built.

A constant reminder.

Then I married the father of my child- I was left with no choice but to move forward and start a new life. And that life was good until I became a battered wife - tortured emotionally and mentally, hit physically. It was a roller coaster ride of fighting the marriage and family and fighting for my own being. Our life together didn’t start well to begin with l, hence, we ended treating each other a stranger. It was a sad reality to have a broken family but I am surviving and living the best I can be with my son. And I am praying that one day, the pain and sacrifices will be all worthy.

Another chance, another failure.

When you just want to enjoy life and take it easy with someone you are familiar with, you become excited. You start planning, talking about the possible repercussions of being in a complicated relationship, giving him the upper hand and the decision-making- it turns out that he has a lot of doubts. He didn’t trust the process and so he lost his faith in you. So, he became straightforward about it when I asked if he liked the other person and he said and he told me that it ain’t easy to carry someone who's also carrying someone else and I felt that. It hit me so strongly that I lost myself right there and then. It wasn’t what I expected but I had to endure the pain at that moment. I thought when you gave your everything to someone else, there would be no reason for them to leave you but then that was not the case.

And so life changed my perspective.

I am battling with self doubt. The feeling of uneasiness thinking about my future. Drowning myself to loneliness and pain. Being heart broken is a phase that everyone go through but the scar it left behind by the person you truly love and trust is a different story.

Will I ever get the family I always wanted? Will I ever heal from this trauma? Will I ever get the peace of mind I deserve?

A lot of unanswered questions.

For now, I am taking it slow about the dynamics of life. I am praying that soon I get to enjoy the cool breeze outside not worrying about everything because someone is there on my back to assure me that life should be enjoyed.

[inredshead]

I feel like, to people who have never had significant trauma or have never experienced mental illness or tragedy or anything can't be made to understand those kinds of things and that's okay, great maybe even. But it also means that those people might never be able to understand things about those who have endured those things. I don't know. As I grow and become more aware of my mental illness and areas I lack and even become better in some respects, the more I realize that it is really scary to try to better yourself from these things. There is a whole other level of imposter syndrome that infects you when you are speaking to perfectly well-meaning people who probably love you but don't understand mental illness let alone someone who is trying to explain that they recognize their own mental illness and that sometimes there is nothing they can do about it. Having mental illness is so fucking much and sometimes I think the fact that I am generally so high functioning makes it even harder for people to understand- like sometimes I feel people I am close to judging me like because I am aware and trying to work on my issues that owning them feels like I am using them as an excuse for being how I am. But I'm not trying to be those things. I hate those things, and if I could I would get rid of all of them, but they are plaguing me and I just want it to be okay that I have managed to figure some things out and I'm working on them but sometimes shitty things that I can't seem to figure out seep out of the cracks and I recognize why they are happening but I can't keep them from happening the way they are. I hate that I am a certain way because of my brain and that I have the mental capacity to recognize when my mental illness is showing but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. It hurts so bad when these things hit. Like, right now... it feels... like my soul is a raw blister in the wind. I just know I'm over reacting but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel the raw blistering seeping out of me and out of my little eyes and I just feel like crying is all I can do. All I want to do is feel it go away and talk to the person that I can't I think its hard because I'm with someone who makes me feel so safe and is so different and so much of what I usually have anxiety about is subdued. But maybe we need to talk about communication. I feel like I let him down and I don't want to. But I also have a full time job fixing myself on top of actual human being bullshit like a job and all the other stuff I'm struggling with. I just want to be more. I want to not feel these things so much I don't want to regret trying to live more normally, have normal relationships with people and do normal things. I was really liking it. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time and I just hope this is all in my head and not a fucking premonition about things. I hope I didn't fuck everything up. I just want things to be good and get better. I don't know. Why do I do this. Maybe I can't be in a committed two person thing until the person knows every shitty thing about me and we work out a communication system. I don't know. I just feel like what is the way to be myself and be strong and straight-forward but also not stand for bullshit when its actually bullshit but not get "girly" about things, but then also be gentle with myself because I also have these BPD experiences that are so much more that I know I need to recognize and try to work through but... fuck sometimes I don't know how to handle them. Like right now. What should I do? I know I am feeling more than what is normal but is it because I'm realizing something terrible is about to hit or because I am overreaccting to something that feels like disappointments from the past? Fuck.

[letterstoself]

thursday august 24th 2023, 2:58 am

dear me,

hi beautiful. i can’t help but smile just now at the thought of you, of us i suppose. where we’ll be, everything we’ll become. i’m struggling right now my love. i really am. but i’m doing everything i can in order for you to have clarity soon. mentally, i’ve hit a wall. i feel so drained of energy, i feel as though i’m punishing myself by being here and staying with someone. i want to be alone. i want it to be just me and the people i love. i’ve decided to start these thursday letters. my story first began on a thursday, and so i’ll share my thoughts and feelings as they come each week. i intend to upgrade to actual journaling soon. once i’m ready and once i know my privacy can’t be compromised. this feels like a nice first step. comfortable. it’s gotten a lot easier for me to starve myself as of late. i’m starting to feel at peace with it now. it feels right. feeling myself slowly but surely shrink away and watching my body take it’s natural contoured state. i have the most amazing bone structure. i am so thankful. i can’t wait to see it in it’s full glory. this is something i’m truly passionate about. not something i have to exaggerate or pretend or act like. i’m currently dreading going to work tomorrow. you’re far too pretty to work you know. it’s not all bad. but i can feel my mind slipping away from this place. like a lonely songbird escaping a cage, but still not free until she finds a window. i’ve been crying a lot. and a lot for me is like, next level. i can’t help it. i’ve left my heart back home with my family. i can’t remember what i came here for. personal development? love? experience? you could say i found all of them, or you could say i’m still looking. maybe i’m lost. how do i find myself? where is it that you are? i guess i’m not doing so great at finding you that clarity yet huh. i want to go home babe. i really do. i miss my family so fucking much and my cat and my beautiful home and just everything. i don’t miss who i was then. i was taking everything for granted. i was unappreciative and impatient. maybe that’s what i’ve found here. because god knows how patient i’ve had to be, even in moments when i’m ready to slam my head in a door or start screaming. this guy, these people drive me insane. but it’s been my job to stay presentable and keep a smile on my face and act as though nothing effects me. stay professional and light and upbeat and fun. even when i’m thinking about self harming and sobbing and flying a million miles away. self growth or just improved acting skills? time will tell i guess. or hey, why not both. we almost broke up tonight. and then just ended up getting bubble tea and having an awkward sex-talk for like an hour and a half. first world problems or what? jesus. in all honestly idk how much i have left in me for this. i’m going to make an effort to try this week but longterm i just can’t. if i’m being honest one of the main reasons i’d want to stay is to go to the weeknd concert. lol. but i feel like that’s not going to happen. he probably was just talking when he said we’ll get the tickets and it’s months away idk how i feel about committing to december plans in august. actually i do know, i wouldn’t feel great about it. it would also mean i couldn’t leave the country before then unless i wanted to be down like 4 grand. sigh. idk. i really do want to go. it’s not unlikely that i’d have more fun just going by myself too. we’ll see what happens i guess. one thing i want to stop doing is letting other people / situations control me and what i do. this is MY life. MY world. if i want to do something i should go ahead and do it without a single thought or doubt holding me back for a second. i shouldn’t wait around for someone to tell me they don’t want me here before i leave, or tell me they want me to come before i go. i can do whatever tf i want. take charge girl. seize this time. i am young and beautiful and have the whole world in the palm of my hand. no one can tell me shit and i’m done taking it. i’ve spent so much time worrying and wondering and contemplating.

now is the time to start living. do it for the plot. i love you too much to let you waste any more time or have any regrets. it’s nearly 5am now and i’d better get some shut-eye before i start on the many things i really don’t want to do tomorrow. oh yeah and PS i was 50.5 today. my waist at 21.5! i was sick this week and pretty much did a 3-4 day unintentional fast. it was that simple! of course it was, starving was the answer all along. im really proud. and i know you’ll be even prouder. i’m so, so excited for you my perfect angel. dreaming of you and doing everything for you, always.

until next thursday

xoxo

[askamydaily]

Grandson’s prom gown horrifies his gran

[Photo credit: Lisa Brewster: Flickr https://www.flickr.com/photos/sophistechate/9269569765]

Dear Amy: I have one son and two grandsons.

The older grandson, age 17, appeared at his prom wearing a full-length purple gown with nail polish to match.

I privately told my son (his father) that I was concerned for my grandson’s safety, as he would be a target if he is so flamboyant.

My son became very defensive and said that people can love who they want, and that society needs to get used to it. I agree. But there are people out there who don’t like this “in your face” behavior.

I have not mentioned this again. I don’t want to alienate my son or grandson, but the prospect of having a LGBTQ grandson makes me sick.

He spends most of his time alone in his room and is very sullen. His maternal grandfather committed suicide last year, so I am concerned about the mental health of the entire family.

They are receiving counseling individually and as a family.

Can I do anything other than cry myself to sleep?

Could this be a phase, or will he always be like this?

– Devastated Grandma

Dear Devastated: I have a blunt question for you: Are you going through a phase, or will you always be like this?

I hope it’s a phase.

Yes, you worry. Yes, you fret. But the role of a grandparent is actually so simple: All you have to do is to love your grandchildren – exactly as they are, exactly as they present to you; through phases, representations, or revelations – and through whatever joys or challenges they encounter.

Can you imagine the impact on this family if you just simply loved and accepted all of them, no matter what?

You might not understand why your grandson would make the choice to go to the prom wearing what sounds like an amazing outfit. But that sullen teenager left his bedroom, got dolled-up, and took himself to the prom!

(I wish I’d had an ounce of that kind of courage at his age.)

Furthermore, his father is his ally! Give yourself credit for raising a man who is a good parent.

This family is receiving professional support (another very wise choice).

Your only job here is to find a way around your own fears, and to relieve yourself of the burden to judge this family – and instead to love all of them, just as they are.

[mimicutiesexylovely]

TELL ME HOW TO MAKE TOU HAPPY (Park Seonghwa)

Pairing: Seonghwa x @whatudowhennooneseesyou

Words count: 1834

Summary: Ruby misses Seonghwa but doesn’t know what to do ‘cause they have a long distance relationship. But he has something in mind…

Genre: angst, fluff, SMUT

Ruby, thanks for the request, I hope you’ll like it ❤️

——————————————————————————

I wish this day would end quickly. I tried everything to distract myself: purified the house with incense, charged all my crystals, even studied a new tarot deck. Not to mention the time spent cuddling with my furry friends.

Yet none of this worked.

The thought of Seonghwa's absence is much stronger.

We have been together for 6 months now, it is an important time in our relationship, but the distance is killing me.

We only manage to see each other a couple of times a month if all goes well... and while that might be fine for many, it's extremely difficult for me.

Physical contact is essential for a woman like me, I love cuddling, the closeness of my partner... I love him so much, but this relationship is doing me more harm than good.

—————————————————————————-

We arranged a video call before going to bed, so I got ready in my jammies and crawled under the covers waiting for the call.

Seonghwa is a punctual guy; in fact, he calls me precisely at the time we had set.

"Baby! Here you are at last, I was looking forward to being able to see you. How are you?"

His smile is wonderful, he can warm your heart, but this time, instead of warmth, I feel a huge emptiness in my chest. I would like to greet him and smile back at him, but I can't. My eyes are starting to water, I've exhausted my energy trying to get through this particularly heavy day, so I can't contain myself and tears now are streaming down my cheeks. My boyfriend notices immediately, and his smile turns into a look full of concern.

"Ruby? What's going on?"

“Do you want the truth?" I try to speak between sobs.

"I can't take it anymore, I'm sorry, I tried to handle this situation, but I'm obviously not the right person to handle a long-distance relationship. I miss you constantly, and I can't do anything about it, because you have commitments anyway and I can't expect you to be there for me 24/7, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me or that I can't stand it. I tried to hide it from you so you wouldn't feel bad, but in doing so, I feel even worse."

I keep crying, now I am no longer able to contain myself; all the stress of these months has come to the surface.

Seonghwa is speechless, and I can't blame him, few hours ago I made him think I was fine, but instead it's all the opposite.

"Ruby, why didn't you say anything to me? We could have talked about it earlier rather than getting you to this point. Seeing you like this makes me feel bad, and that doesn't mean you have to suffer alone, rather let's find a solution together. Tell me how I can make you happy, and I will do everything to succeed."

"I only want to have you by my side, only this."

I decide to end the call; I can't think straight now, nor can I bear the look of pain on the face of the person I love.

Seonghwa's job is beautiful, it has been his dream for as long as he can remember, it allows him to see the world, to do what he loves, but the same time it takes away so much space for the rest and therefore for me as well. I love him so much, more than myself, but our lives are too different and we are too far apart, I don't know what to do, however, I know, that I can't go on like this.

I decide to put myself to sleep, I definitely need to rest and especially not to think.

——————————————————————————

It’s one of my dogs who wakes me up, to the sound of little touches with his wet nose, making me smile. He is on the bed wagging his tail, far too cheerful for my taste. I say this because he is usually the most sleepy of all.

It is at that moment that I hear noise coming from the hallway. I get a little alarmed because living alone, I’m more than certain that there is no one in the house, but at the same time I try to calm down since all my pets are silent. They would have messed up if there were any strangers in the house. I look around and count all my kittens, trying to figure out if it's one of my cats making the noise I hear in the house, but at last count, they're all in my bedroom. This makes me suspicious, so I decide to get up. I take one of my candlesticks and hold it tightly in my hand knowing that I could use it as a defensive weapon--in fact now that I think about it, I would hurt anyone very badly with this object. I walk down the hallway until I get to the entrance, where my living room is, but there is nothing there. Still moving toward the kitchen, which I find with the door ajar, I take a deep breath and decide to open it and hold my breath at the sight before me: Seonghwa is right in front of me, making pancakes. The candelabra falls out of my hands in surprise, startling my boyfriend, who turns sharply toward the direction of the noise, and so our gazes, after about 20 days, cross again. Without a second thought, I run to him and hug him tightly, as tightly as I can.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him as I continue to hold him in my arms, letting him do the same.

"Good morning to you, too." He giggles.

"Good morning." I whisper with my face hidden in the crook of his neck.

"The video call we had yesterday destroyed me. I was afraid of losing you, so without thinking twice, I took a plane and came here. I've missed you so much, and I don't want to see you feel bad."

I hug him tighter, without knowing what to say.

"Thank you for being here."

"It's the least."

When we part, our lips meet immediately, first calmly and in a short time, the kiss gains passion and becomes more intense.

My hands run down her back while hers are clinging to my hips as she draws me closer and closer to her.

"Hwa..."

"Tell me, baby."

"Let's go to the bedroom..."

In a few seconds, we are lying on the bed in my room. His body immediately towers over mine as he wastes no time in deepening the kiss by making our tongues meet. His hands close cupped around my cheeks, and as the kiss becomes a passionate dance, my body is enveloped in a feeling of warmth. He shifts to leave moist kisses on my throat, moving down to the collarbones as with his hands he begins to pull down the straps of my nightgown, which slips slightly uncovering my breasts a bit. His lips rest on my chest as he runs his other hand down my thigh, lifting the edge of the only garment separating us.

"You are overdressed."

"Let's fix that right away."

He moves away from me to get on his knees on the bed, his eyes not leaving me for a moment as he begins to slowly slip off his jacket to throw it on the floor. The V-neck top he’s wearing is incredibly tight, allowing a glimpse of every single perfectly outlined muscle. He’s beautiful as always.

"Come here, don't keep me waiting." I call him, completely impatient to have him closer.

"Are you that impatient?" he asks in a sneer. His right hand reaches my throbbing center causing me to let out a moan.

"You are already so wet... Tell me how much you want me to touch you Ruby, tell me."

His hand is there, but he doesn't move, and his expression is about to send me to the madhouse.

"Please Hwa, I need you."

"Good girl."

He shifts again only to take his shirt off, showing me his fully sculpted torso, which I would gladly fill with kisses and bites. Back close again, he lets his hand slide from his ankle, slowly moving it up, to his groin. I plead with him with my gaze before arching toward him. He finally begins to move his hand and his fingers immediately find my clitoris; he makes circular movements leaving me almost breathless.

I take his face and seek his lips, kissing him with all the desire I feel amounting to in my body. His fingers give me no respite, I begin to tighten around them, and before I can feel it, I reach climax. Our lips part again, and I, contrary to what I thought, feel even more need than before. I reverse positions by sitting on his pelvis and immediately feel his erection through his pants. I pounce on his neck, begin to bite his skin and leave a hickey just below his ear. I leave a trail of kisses on his pecs, enjoying biting his nipples as well. The sounds he makes are heavenly. I draw an imaginary line with my tongue all along my abs, but as soon as I get to the edge of my pants, he stops me.

"Let me make you feel good. I cannot wait any longer. I desire you." Once again, he’s on me, switching position.

His hands grab my nightgown and literally tear it off and then throw it into a remote corner of the room, but I honestly don't care. All I care about is him, his skin, his touch. His lips glued to mine, we exchange a kiss made more of biting than anything else. My hands meanwhile run up his back, enjoying the texture of the skin they are touching, each muscle twitching. His attentions shift to my breasts, his tongue playing with one nipple, which he enjoys biting from time to time, while he takes care of the other with his hand. I only feel a fire taking over my lower abdomen. "Take me, please."

He doesn’t need to be ask twice, so he gets rid of the last piece of his clothing, not before retrieving a condom from his pocket.

His hands part my thighs, and before long, I feel him inside me.

I cling to him, and I let go completely, concentrating on the pleasure he is giving me.

My body is on fire, and all I can do is look him in the eye and think I don't want to let him go ever again.

——————————————————————————

We are lying on the bed, naked and hugging each other. This is heaven.

"I was thinking about something." He begins.

"What?"

"The long-distance relationship doesn't work for both of us anymore...I do a job that keeps me in my city...but I want to be with you. So I thought, why don't you move in with me?"

"Are you serious?"

“Of course. You don’t have to give me a response now. Take you time. But… I think it’s the best for us. I want to live with you, share my life with you."

“I don’t need time. It’s a yes. I want to live with you. I want to wake up next to you every morning.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then, let’s do it.”