#making myself cry is a full time job AND I AM COMMITTED.

[lotus-sunn]

SO DO PEOPLE JUST MAKE SUCH GOOD ANIMATICS AND JUST LEAVE THEM FOR ME TO FIND???

Longest animatic I've ever done, but it was worth it.

Leo learns to heal from the past and uncle bones is there with him:)

[louis--wifey]

Incorrect quotes with Texas, his kids, and some of California's kids.

■□■□■□■□■□

Austin: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!

Dallas: Merry crisis.

Houston: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.

San Antone: Hoe hoe hoe.

Austin: Guys, please.

●○●○●○●○

Dallas: I am the left brain, I am the left brain. "I work really hard until my inevitable death" brain. You've got a job to do, you better do it right and the right way is with the left brain's might.

Houston: I LIKE OREOS AND PUSSY-

○●○●○●○●

San Francisco : Where are you going?

Dallas: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!

San Francisco : I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!

Texas, knowing full well that San Francisco got Dallas an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*

●○●○●○●○

Dallas: I'm bored.

Sacramento : Wanna commit first degree murder?

Dallas: Sure!

San Antone, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Austin down!!

○●○●○●○●

Texas: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.

San Antone: Wow, I've gotta hear this.

Texas: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.

San Antone: You forgot pride.

Texas: No, I'm pretty proud of this.

●○●○●○●○

Austin: How do I ask someone out?

San Antone: Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, my bed has room for two.

Austin: No!

Houston: Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in a car.

Austin: Stop!

Dallas: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily I can make you scream.

Austin: I feel like the last one is verging dangerously into serial killer territory.

OMG I LOVE THIS I JUST LOVE INCORRECT QUOTES. If you don't mind I am going to be adding more to this. I read what you sent and it seems like all of them are adults so here is them as children/teenagers (?).

California, to their server: Can we get the bill, please.

Austin, singing: AAA CAN WE GET THE BILL!!!

California: Austin, inside voice.

Austin, singing quieter: Aaa can we get the bill!

Texas: Is Say-say gonna eat that chip?

California: No, I think she's done.

Texas: *takes the chip off her plate*

Sacramento, coming back from the bathroom: Hey, where's my chip?

~~~~~~~~~~~

California, singing to the radio in the passenger seat: She caught me on the counter

Austin: It wasn't me!

California: Saw me banging on the sofa

Austin: It wasn't me!

California: I even had her in the shower

Austin: It wasn't me!

California: She even caught me on camera

Austin: It wasn't-

Texas: *turns the radio off*

California: Hey!

Texas: I'm sorry, do you think this song is appropriate for the nine-year-old in the back?

California: Oh please, he doesn't understand any of it. Austin what's this song about?

Austin: Doing it on the bathroom floor, getting caught and lying so you don't get in trouble.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Texas, teaching Houston how to shoot: Squeeze the trigger like you love it. Gentle. Steady. Nice and slow.

Houston: You gonna shoot this thing or get it pregnant?

~~~~~~~~~

Sacramento, after braid Texas's hair with colorful extensions: Do you or do you not feel bonita?

Texas, in a monotone voice: I feel bonita

Sacramento: Wondering, because you look bonita!

~~~~~~~~

Los Angeles, crying: My earring came off in the ocean and it's gone

San Antone: Angie, there is people that are dying

~~~~~~~~~

Los Angeles: I HATE YOU!!!!!

Austin: OH? WELL NEXT TIME DON'T STEAL MY MONOPOLY!

California: Angie, give Austin your 200 dollar you landed on his property.

Los Angeles: HE'S IN JAIL IM NOT GONNA GIVE MONEY TO A CRIMINAL!

Austin: That's not how you PLAY!

Dallas: Daddy, what is brother screaming?

California: Shut the fuck up, Dallas. You don't get to talk after stealing my LAST RAILROAD!

Austin: I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!

California: ME TOO! YOU THINK I WANTED THIS?!

Austin: *screaming*

~~~~~~~~~~

*California & Houston going grocery shopping*

California: Could you grab me an extra-virgin-

Houston: I think one’s enough for the sacrifice.

Caly: Olive oil, Houston.

Houston: Come on. That’s funny.

California: Oh, its funnier than your freestyle sandwich rap.

~~~~~~~~~

San Francisco: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. we hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it

Texas: Francisco no

Dallas: Mistlefoe

Texas: Please stop encouraging him

[purplewingedwarrior]

Welcome!

Hello,

If you are here, I feel it is safe to assume either you or someone you are close to have had to fight against a chronic illness. This page is a safe space for you. A place to ask any questions or vent any feelings you might have. I am new to tumblr so I am not entirely sure how all of this works. But, as I approach 1 year of diagnosis with SLE Lupus, I knew it was important to create a space where people can have the outlet I so desperately needed at the beginning. The outlet I still need occasionally. Together we can all heal and grow on this journey together!

So, a little bit about me. About 1 year ago now, I was diagnosed with SLE Lupus at the ripe age of 23 years old. Although I have only been diagnosed for a year, the symptoms of my Lupus have severely impacted my life for the past three years. During undergrad I slowly began pulling out of more commitments in an effort to create more time. I was constantly exhausted. Feeling like I took a sleeping pill every day. I had to quite my part-time job (and luckily, was in a position I could do so between savings and my families help) in order to make it through my courses with a high GPA. I was constantly looking around me and wondering why I couldn't do everything so many other kids my age could. I blamed myself, time management, and an inability to manage stress. When in reality, it was not something in my control at all.

After my diagnosis, I didn't think life could change much from what I was already facing. In college, I had lost numerous friends due to my inability to hang out enough (both for financial and energy reasons). I Sacrificed the typically college experience to work towards my career (a career I now will not be able to pursue with my condition). After graduating I immediately got to work at a full time job. I loved everything about my job. The people I worked with, the job I got to perform, the things I was learning in terms of my future career. And yet, once again I was faced with the reality of having to give up everything in order to preform at a basic level. By the time I got to the weekend I would be tucked in bed. Often crying out of pain, or attempting to get over whatever viral illness wanted to wreck further havoc on my immune system. I never saw friends, and often barely had to energy to stay in touch with them through text. Simple household chores felt like laborious tasks. I spent most of the time sleeping, and the time I was awake feeling absolutely trapped in pain and discomfort. I kept returning to the same thought over and over again, "it shouldn't be this hard."

And I was right. It's not supposed to be that hard for people to simply exist. When I finally received diagnosis I was expecting for somethings to change. But nothing could've prepared me for what was actually waiting for me. Turns out, my lupus was intense. So intense, I was immediately put on cellcept and tests were run to see what the state of my kidneys were. It was terrifying. Suddenly, I was advised to avoid alcohol (I chose to stop drinking completely), recommended to go out on disability (I tried to keep working part-time until my body literally could not take it anymore), and told all of the different ways I could accidentally trigger a flare. It was overwhelming. Nearly 8 months into the process, I received the news that my lupus is so aggressive I might not ever go into complete remission. That my providers goal was to get me as close as possible. With that, it was likely I could not work more than 2-3 days a week without causing a full-on flare. I felt defeated. It was not longer just alcohol or social energy being affected, I now was literally facing the dilemma of giving up the very career and life I had worked so hard towards school. It was rough at first. But following the realization that my body and organs would be negatively impacted I knew the choice I need to make.

A year out, I have learned how to adapt to the circumstances and build new dreams and a new life that was attainable for me. But that doesn't mean my journey is done or that I have learned everything. There is still so much I do not know.

Throughout this process the hardest realization for me was how little people understand what it is to live with chronic illness. I see people commonly joke or make light of what many of us go through. Because of it's invisible Nature. I often had my symptoms or instructions compared to that of those who had friends and family with Lupus, who didn't understand how severe my case was. I was asked "when" I could drink again. Told everything would be fine "when" I get better. Asked what I can do to stop a flare, or know when it's coming. All things I do not have answers to. The misunderstanding of chronic illness is enough to drive you up a wall on it's own. Having to deal with it while also trying to grapple with a diagnosis that effectively changes everything about your life as you know it makes it ten times worse.

This space is for us. To vent. To ask questions. To feel seen. To share our story without fear that we will be shamed or judged. I have given you a brief glimpse into my story today. I cannot wait to share even more with you all. Feel free to message me any questions or topics in relation to lupus or chronic illnesses you would want answered in the future.

Thank you for reading.

[girlactionfigure]

WITH EYES FULL HORROR Thoughts on the Hamas massacre of Jews

I deliberated on whether to write this. It seems obvious to me that in times of war we should abstain from things that can demoralise and immobilise. But on reflection I don’t think it does that. As our greatest warrior was also our greatest poet, King David, I think we are a people uniquely constituted to be tough and soulful at the same time. We’ve seen a lot of horrific footage from the massacre perpetuated by Hamas. It is not weakness to have tears - it is holy. God forbid we should become unfeeling, numb bastards that engage in the kind of butchery these Islamic fundamentalists celebrate. They will think it’s a victory that they have caused us pain. They will whoop and halloo and bear their teeth in wicked, wolfish grins to see us suffer and think we are weak. Oh, how pitiful is their blindness to the depths of experience life has to offer. They will never understand we are the people who turn every curse into a blessing and that there is no horror we can’t walk through in utter confidence a better time will come.

So I am going to write this. 

At the same time, if we each process an ounce of trauma here and there, we’ll be able to get on with the task in hand - defeating our enemies - whilst keeping our heads in a relatively good enough shape to get the job done.

So I tried to avoid seeing grisly footage from the massacre. I wouldn’t open any videos. I’d squint my eyes and scroll past photos. I thought to myself that I know something horrific has happened - seeing specific imagery is not going to enhance my intellectual or emotional insight. I’d obviously get glimpses of nightmarish forms. Barbecued people. Deformed anatomy of twisted girls. But I wouldn’t focus. They were blurred glimpses of horror I kept in a fog so that I could try to shield myself from trauma. But of course it seeps in. And you inevitably see more than you intended. And you inevitably watch more than you should. In the end I saw the dead bodies. And I saw some of the horrors real people endured.

My grandma died earlier this week and her funeral is tomorrow. I haven’t really been able to connect with my sadness over that because of everything that has happened - the crisis that has demanded action and the saturation of hellish crimes that have accompanied it. I���m just low level pissed off and can’t be bothered with anyone. I just took a shower and started crying as images I’ve seen this week emerged in the mist of my mind. But it wasn’t the imagery of dead bodies. It wasn’t the imagery of corpses. It was the imagery that has really haunted me. More than dead bodies, what has really haunted me were the images of living people experiencing fear. People whose souls were still in their body and who wanted to live. It was their faces. And above all their eyes. There’s one video of teenagers at a music concert huddled in a bunker with shot children groaning on the floor. A young man films with his phone. Why? Instinct? Believing he was going to die and that people must know? To try and make a nightmare less real by watching it through a screen? And then we see his face. I’ve never seen such eyes. I have never seen such eyes. No creature should know such fear. Another video sees a hostage tied up on the floor gazing at his tormentors. And his eyes. The widest eyes that could swallow the stars.

These are eyes I never want to see again. I never want to see those eyes. But they’re inside my head looking at me tonight. I don’t know how to pray, to wish, to magic away their fear. I can’t abide their fear. I can’t abide their fear. For the love of God, fill those eyes with everything they’ve ever dreamed of and everything their family have ever dreamed of for them and turn that fear into a speck so small it is blown away on the wind beyond the ocean and never found again.

I can’t imagine what those eyes were seeing. But in those eyes I could see the swirling fear of every sin that has been committed since Cain killed Abel. These were eyes gazing at every horror that’s taken place under the sun.

My eyes are dripping as I write this. No amount of tears will cleanse away what we have seen. 

Oh God, what they did to them. What they did to them. 

There has never been a more necessary mission for the Jewish people than to destroy Hamas - and anyone who seeks to hurt us - so that no eyes will ever hold such fear again.

LEE KERN

[eternitas]

I don't hate kids. I just fear them.

I fear them and I can not get along with them. It's less thir fault and more my incompetence. Children are honest to a fault. Many can not lie without giggling, many bluntly tell what they think without really thinking of what that might cause. I fear that. I fear the honesty and ruthlessness of a child telling me my faults. As excitable they are, the idea of them telling me I am not good enough is terrifying. It isn't their fault. They are new to this world, they just learn to form their thoughts into sentances, their opinions into words, but I am fragile. I am scared.

Kids are a part of everyday life. They exist and they always will. But I am already sensitive to sounds and stimuli. On my one free day on which I have energy, going into a store full of families with crying kids that don't want to be there is like a direct assault at my energy level. And when I watch these kids I can tell that most don't want to be there. They are bored, overstimulated themselves, they feel uncomfortable, they don't like it and they want the world to know. It's not their fault. They are just tiny human beings bound to bigger human beings who live in a world where it's impossible to find someone that can take care of their kids while they go shopping. I also understand that kids NEED to be socialized and brought into social spaces to learn about the world. What a supermarket is, or what a clothing store looks like. You need your child there to make sure what you pick out for them actually fits and they like it and aren't uncomfy. But it is still too much for everyone. Parents are stressed, they lose their temper, their children don't understand what's wrong and their confusion becomes more and more audiable.

And I am right in the middle unable to escape, because I need a new set of pants and today is the one day I have time and motivation to leave the house. And I instantly regret it.

I don't want children. The thought of something invading my body and slowly growing in there terrifies me. It makes me sick and my skin crawl. Everyone speaks of how hard and aweful pregnancies are, but they swear that as soon as you hold them, that it was all worth it and a completely new world opens up to you. You are a woman! you will finally be fullfiled!, I hear my mom say, as my body tenses and my heartbeat quickens. The thought makes me want to run away. And what if I don't love that thing that grew up inside of me? What then? This is a lifelong commitment. I will have to care and be responsible for it, I can't just give it away and absolve myself of all my responsibility for a new tiny human being. No I don't want children. And if I don't really want one, then I won't have one. I will not gamble for a possible epiphany of motherhood, because a child deserves more than a gamble. It deserves a gurantee. It deserves security.

I don't hate children. I don't even hate what I fear. I know spiders are important. They need to exist for the ecosystem, they have their place in this world. They are truly fascinating. But I don't want them near me. We can coexist but please not in the same space. It's too much for me. It makes me cry, it makes me shake, it makes my skin tingle, my thoughts race and crash.

I don't hate children. I know they need to exist in public spaces, I know that is good for them and society. But it's too much for me personally. And Explaining that to people is often so much. This post alone is longer than it should be. I don't hate children. I fear them, they are too much for me to handle and we do not get along.

So when someone asks what I think of children or working with them as my job, or even having them myself, all I can do is shrug and say:

"I don't like children."

And I know they will judge me.

[itsthebethblogever]

Cute Abandoned Puppy

April 1, 2024

I want love but I feel unworthy.

I wanna wash away my mistakes but my hands feel dirty.

I wanna be patient but I’m already thirty.

I wanna tell my family but I don’t want them to worry.

I wanna get to the destination, fuck this uphill journey.

I wanna feel confident but my insides feel murky.

I come from a family that doesn’t express dark emotions.

And I’m repeating the pattern by escaping across oceans.

California’s too capitalist - maybe - just maybe! - if it wasn’t for the prices,

I would have stayed in the Bay Area and done hella tight shit.

Despite my roaming, I really do love my home.

Every time I return I’m reminded just how much I’ve grown.

Is this shit that I’m living all to make me realize

That Ventura’s got potential and I’ll help make it rise?

So that’s what I’ll do? After Australia, go back?

By then, maybe my brain will stop feeling so whack.

In future hindsight, when friends inquire, oh what will I tell them?

“How were your travels? The festivals?” Ah, the hell w/em.

The truth is my lack of flow has been a constant obsession.

It feels like my personality has gone through a regression.

What’s easiest is to hide my turbulent emotions with a smile.

Inside, the search for meaning perseveres, feeling longer than the Nile.

Always changing directions has me feeling like shit.

I must find my focus, the discipline to commit.

What do I want? A family. Security. Joy. Laughter.

Consistent community. A good job that matters.

A nook to read books full of cozy blankets and candles.

Card games, a shoe rack, someone to caress my love handles.

I ought to stop lying when people ask how I am.

I’m sad and I’m lost and I feel like a sham.

Constant worries about money torment my head.

It takes me an hour to get out of bed.

A laughter yoga workshop makes me wanna cry.

Even weed’s stopped helping - I’m low when I’m high.

So what is it? This funk, this era, this time?

To force me back to writing, remember to rhyme?

If so - then LOOK. I’m DOING it, OK?

Will sharing my feelings make the problem go away?

I’ve been banged on my head again and again.

If I was a bear, I’d crawl straight to my den.

There, nobody’d bother me and I’d have a look

Deep inside myself, meditate, and probably write a book.

About a woman who presented so happy go lucky

And underneath hid fear, like a cute abandoned puppy.

Afterword:

During the year I lived in Melbourne, I struggled to find a job that could support myself and the year long program I committed to. This and the dreadful weather lead to me spending much of my time at home, avoiding spending and the cold. Now that I’m traveling I’m feeling much better, yet, I find it hard to carry a conversation and banter with those around me. There is something in me that’s blocked or needs processing or something, which is the confusion I speak about. On May 27th I’ll attend a 10 day Vipassana silent meditation retreat, which I’m hoping will help. Let’s see how I go. Thanks for reading y’all, love to you <3

[sassypotatoe1]

I've had older adults complain to me about their or family members' kids fucking up and I always do basically this, before I calmly explain why it's either not actually a big deal at all or a good thing instead of a fuck up.

My mom was complaining to me about my brother wanting to drop out of his highly competitive highly stringent degree that consistently loses 75% or more of students by third year, which my brother is in, and here's the kicker: he literally just wanted to downgrade a single step to management accounting, which is still an incredibly prestigious degree, but more aligned with his interests. His current degree has major focus on tax law and forensic auditing, which he hates and literally cries about when he thinks of doing it as a job. My brother, who grew up on alt right YouTube, called me a snowflake unironically for like 3 years when I, checks notes, didn't laugh at his jokes, and heavily criticized me for openly crying about my difficulties and pursuing both therapy and medication. He cries about the future he's facing if he continues down this path.

So my mom is telling me she really doesn't want him to downgrade or drop out, and I'm the measuring stick they're going by I completed a postgraduate honors degree on full ride merit scholarship, so she thinks I'll agree with her that he just needs to push through and finish the degree. In earshot of him. So naturally I tell her I've literally counseled two teens through dropping out of school and encouraged a third who I lost contact with and am unsure of whether they dropped out or not. And I say "I don't agree with you about seeing things through that are actively harming you when other options are always available" and I explain that if my brother liked or even just trusted me I would tell him to go ahead and downgrade. Finish the year paid for so you get credits, which will make the workload less when you downgrade and look good on your CV.

I didn't know he was within earshot, but after he overheard that conversation he started, by his own volition, seeing a therapist, and taking it completely seriously and doing the exercises the therapist told him to, and when he saw that it wasn't enough he went to a doctor and got antidepressants prescribed. He started them last week. He's still downgrading to management accounting when the year is over instead of pursuing his honors degree and articles.

And I've been doing this for almost an entire decade imagine complaining to a 15 year old about your kid because they're high-performing and verbose so you think they're super disciplined and hardworking and that 15 year old busts out "yeah no I'm barely scraping by I've wanted to kill myself 3 times this week alone the only reason I'm doing well at school is because I'm stupid smart and have incredible pattern recognition I do the bare minimum of work and still want to die give your kid a break".

My high school implemented a system where every infraction marked on your record came with a text to your parents letting them know you got an infraction, what for and from which teacher. Imagine my teachers' astonishment when I, 3 infractions my entire high school career all for homework because I burnt out, kept complaining to any faculty member that would listen that I think it's an incredibly stupid system and explaining that the kids likely to commit a large number of infractions are also likely being abused at home, and that letting their parents know of every little thing they do wrong every time they do it will worsen the abuse, and consequently the behavior of said student. They did not Like That ™. Changed it to only let parents know of stuff like drugs, fighting and bullying and harassment.

Shame culture needs to die honestly there's always a way to fix it and grace and compassion makes things better for everyone, while shame only isolates everyone and makes things worse overall.

Parents really like to do this thing where if their kid is currently "in trouble" they will tell you about it, out loud, in front of the same kid, even if you're a total stranger. "This is my son and he's grounded right now for not doing his homework" they say, while said son just looks at the ground embarrassed. They want you to play along and reinforce their authority like "gaaasp! Homework is so important!! Listen to your mother!!!!" so obviously we all understand in this situation that we should really say "hell yeah kid fuck the system" right

[comeonhelene]

I received this email tonight. I am gutted. How can we continue stomaching this administration's never-ending decimation of everything we value and all we hold dear under the guise of "saving America"?

We're aiming to Make America Great Again? How exactly is that happening? Please tell me because I am dying for a logical explanation for any of this MAGA ridiculousness. Real talk: When was America great to start with? What time period are we aiming to return to exactly? Are we trying to return to the time when we first raped and pillaged the people and lands of Indigenous Americans? (Don't get it twisted, folks. Every single one of us that don't have native blood coursing through our veins are at least descendants of immigrants and maybe colonizers, too.) Are we longing for the days of slavery, race riots, and segregation? Are we wanting to revoke over half of the population's right to vote? (That's gonna include you, too, evangelical women, trad wives, and ladies who voted for him for "economic reasons only.") Are we going to continue to care for the sanctity of life inside the womb, but once our precious babies are born, will their human rights cease just like those of the mothers who birthed them? [So. Much. Cussing.]

I'm going to have to "take my car for a walk" over this. In the meantime, all I can do is cry bitter tears. And if eggs weren't so expensive, I'd go throw 2 dozen in the woods to burn off some blind rage.

HOW MUCH DO WE HAVE TO LOSE BEFORE WE'RE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

We need to stop talking about it. We need to DO something about it.

On January 20th of this year, I committed to myself that I'd do at least one thing to support my community every single day. I leave kind, but firm voicemails for our state senators every morning during my commute. I would normally listen to music or a podcast, but that time is better served by doing something useful. And if that's the only thing I can squeeze into any given day, then my voicemails stacked up over 365 days add up to quite a bit of daily messaging, reminding those guys of WHAT WE HIRED THEM TO DO.

Please. Do something. Do anything to shift the needle away from fascism. Because that's exactly where we're headed. And quickly.

Please wake up and seek to understand that there is a coup afoot in the U.S. This is not alarmist. This is simply a fact. An alarming fact, yes, but please don't bury your head in the sand. We need everyone who cares about our nation to put our money where our mouths are by investing our God-given time, talents, and treasures ($ and possessions) to help protect and rebuild/reunify our country.

What supporting our nation DOES NOT look like: Using violent words (including anonymously online) and staging or participating in violent protests, arguing with and/or shaming the folks with which we don't agree (also, hard conversations are not the same as bullying and v/v), hiding in bed and hoping this will all go away, and/or opting out of our sacred responsibility to care for ourselves and others by depending on someone else to do The Work for us.

As always, don't do anything you wouldn't want done to you. Of course, this is the Golden Rule. You don't have to love Jesus to know that this is the foundational rule for humanity.

What supporting our nation DOES look like: Prioritizing and sharing what you have in order to THINK GLOBALLY and ACT LOCALLY.

That's it. It isn't complicated. Look, I understand that most of us have a 2nd job or at least a side hustle to stay afloat in this financially unsustainable city. I'm right there with you. But our full lives don't excuse our inaction. We will, without a doubt, lose the freedom to continue pursuing the very full lives we've created if we continue to do nothing to protect them...

WE HAVE NOTHING LESS TO LOSE THAN OUR NATION.

WE HAVE NOTHING LESS TO LOSE THAN OUR FREEDOM.

WE HAVE NOTHING LESS TO LOSE THAN OUR LIVES.

WHAT SIDE OF HISTORY DO YOU PLAN TO BE ON?

(I'm not yelling in all caps, just emphasizing.)

And don't take my word for it. Read up, ask around, make your own decisons, and, for the love of all things holy, ACT ON THEM.

Please and thank you.

[projectarkquel]

When relationship ends, its stops your life for awhile and the only choice you have is to seat and slowly think and accept that some things need to end.

First heart break from a 7 years relationship— we lived together abroad. It was the longest relationship I had. Everything was smooth until it was not. The plans you’ve planned together is now happening with his wife. I’ve fought for it so many times and can’t even remember how many times did I cry, beg and kneel down to ask him to love me unconditionally. But then, maybe at some point he did not see his future with me. We leave each other with painful memories (at least for me) and after a month he was already engaged.

Life sucks.

Then here’s the guy whom I thought that life would make life a little better. He is a smart talker, full of sense, and a deep person with his flows. I thought that this was— a guy who would love me unconditionally and would make my dreams come true. But in reality, it was a nightmare- a trauma that destroyed me in so many ways. I truly loved him - it was an unconditional love that I prayed for. That person showed me what true love and commitment is the same person who showed me what true love is not. I believe that you have to commit yourself to a relationship through good and bad times, in joy and in sorrow and a sacred promise that both of you will make it through- and all of it was lie. I was left alone with nothing- I lost my job, a good career abroad and a family I dreamt of. And it keeps on happening the same scenario but it the pains digs deeper right into my soul and destroyed what ever I have built.

A constant reminder.

Then I married the father of my child- I was left with no choice but to move forward and start a new life. And that life was good until I became a battered wife - tortured emotionally and mentally, hit physically. It was a roller coaster ride of fighting the marriage and family and fighting for my own being. Our life together didn’t start well to begin with l, hence, we ended treating each other a stranger. It was a sad reality to have a broken family but I am surviving and living the best I can be with my son. And I am praying that one day, the pain and sacrifices will be all worthy.

Another chance, another failure.

When you just want to enjoy life and take it easy with someone you are familiar with, you become excited. You start planning, talking about the possible repercussions of being in a complicated relationship, giving him the upper hand and the decision-making- it turns out that he has a lot of doubts. He didn’t trust the process and so he lost his faith in you. So, he became straightforward about it when I asked if he liked the other person and he said and he told me that it ain’t easy to carry someone who's also carrying someone else and I felt that. It hit me so strongly that I lost myself right there and then. It wasn’t what I expected but I had to endure the pain at that moment. I thought when you gave your everything to someone else, there would be no reason for them to leave you but then that was not the case.

And so life changed my perspective.

I am battling with self doubt. The feeling of uneasiness thinking about my future. Drowning myself to loneliness and pain. Being heart broken is a phase that everyone go through but the scar it left behind by the person you truly love and trust is a different story.

Will I ever get the family I always wanted? Will I ever heal from this trauma? Will I ever get the peace of mind I deserve?

A lot of unanswered questions.

For now, I am taking it slow about the dynamics of life. I am praying that soon I get to enjoy the cool breeze outside not worrying about everything because someone is there on my back to assure me that life should be enjoyed.

[inredshead]

I feel like, to people who have never had significant trauma or have never experienced mental illness or tragedy or anything can't be made to understand those kinds of things and that's okay, great maybe even. But it also means that those people might never be able to understand things about those who have endured those things. I don't know. As I grow and become more aware of my mental illness and areas I lack and even become better in some respects, the more I realize that it is really scary to try to better yourself from these things. There is a whole other level of imposter syndrome that infects you when you are speaking to perfectly well-meaning people who probably love you but don't understand mental illness let alone someone who is trying to explain that they recognize their own mental illness and that sometimes there is nothing they can do about it. Having mental illness is so fucking much and sometimes I think the fact that I am generally so high functioning makes it even harder for people to understand- like sometimes I feel people I am close to judging me like because I am aware and trying to work on my issues that owning them feels like I am using them as an excuse for being how I am. But I'm not trying to be those things. I hate those things, and if I could I would get rid of all of them, but they are plaguing me and I just want it to be okay that I have managed to figure some things out and I'm working on them but sometimes shitty things that I can't seem to figure out seep out of the cracks and I recognize why they are happening but I can't keep them from happening the way they are. I hate that I am a certain way because of my brain and that I have the mental capacity to recognize when my mental illness is showing but it doesn't make it any easier to handle. It hurts so bad when these things hit. Like, right now... it feels... like my soul is a raw blister in the wind. I just know I'm over reacting but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel the raw blistering seeping out of me and out of my little eyes and I just feel like crying is all I can do. All I want to do is feel it go away and talk to the person that I can't I think its hard because I'm with someone who makes me feel so safe and is so different and so much of what I usually have anxiety about is subdued. But maybe we need to talk about communication. I feel like I let him down and I don't want to. But I also have a full time job fixing myself on top of actual human being bullshit like a job and all the other stuff I'm struggling with. I just want to be more. I want to not feel these things so much I don't want to regret trying to live more normally, have normal relationships with people and do normal things. I was really liking it. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time and I just hope this is all in my head and not a fucking premonition about things. I hope I didn't fuck everything up. I just want things to be good and get better. I don't know. Why do I do this. Maybe I can't be in a committed two person thing until the person knows every shitty thing about me and we work out a communication system. I don't know. I just feel like what is the way to be myself and be strong and straight-forward but also not stand for bullshit when its actually bullshit but not get "girly" about things, but then also be gentle with myself because I also have these BPD experiences that are so much more that I know I need to recognize and try to work through but... fuck sometimes I don't know how to handle them. Like right now. What should I do? I know I am feeling more than what is normal but is it because I'm realizing something terrible is about to hit or because I am overreaccting to something that feels like disappointments from the past? Fuck.

[letterstoself]

thursday august 24th 2023, 2:58 am

dear me,

hi beautiful. i can’t help but smile just now at the thought of you, of us i suppose. where we’ll be, everything we’ll become. i’m struggling right now my love. i really am. but i’m doing everything i can in order for you to have clarity soon. mentally, i’ve hit a wall. i feel so drained of energy, i feel as though i’m punishing myself by being here and staying with someone. i want to be alone. i want it to be just me and the people i love. i’ve decided to start these thursday letters. my story first began on a thursday, and so i’ll share my thoughts and feelings as they come each week. i intend to upgrade to actual journaling soon. once i’m ready and once i know my privacy can’t be compromised. this feels like a nice first step. comfortable. it’s gotten a lot easier for me to starve myself as of late. i’m starting to feel at peace with it now. it feels right. feeling myself slowly but surely shrink away and watching my body take it’s natural contoured state. i have the most amazing bone structure. i am so thankful. i can’t wait to see it in it’s full glory. this is something i’m truly passionate about. not something i have to exaggerate or pretend or act like. i’m currently dreading going to work tomorrow. you’re far too pretty to work you know. it’s not all bad. but i can feel my mind slipping away from this place. like a lonely songbird escaping a cage, but still not free until she finds a window. i’ve been crying a lot. and a lot for me is like, next level. i can’t help it. i’ve left my heart back home with my family. i can’t remember what i came here for. personal development? love? experience? you could say i found all of them, or you could say i’m still looking. maybe i’m lost. how do i find myself? where is it that you are? i guess i’m not doing so great at finding you that clarity yet huh. i want to go home babe. i really do. i miss my family so fucking much and my cat and my beautiful home and just everything. i don’t miss who i was then. i was taking everything for granted. i was unappreciative and impatient. maybe that’s what i’ve found here. because god knows how patient i’ve had to be, even in moments when i’m ready to slam my head in a door or start screaming. this guy, these people drive me insane. but it’s been my job to stay presentable and keep a smile on my face and act as though nothing effects me. stay professional and light and upbeat and fun. even when i’m thinking about self harming and sobbing and flying a million miles away. self growth or just improved acting skills? time will tell i guess. or hey, why not both. we almost broke up tonight. and then just ended up getting bubble tea and having an awkward sex-talk for like an hour and a half. first world problems or what? jesus. in all honestly idk how much i have left in me for this. i’m going to make an effort to try this week but longterm i just can’t. if i’m being honest one of the main reasons i’d want to stay is to go to the weeknd concert. lol. but i feel like that’s not going to happen. he probably was just talking when he said we’ll get the tickets and it’s months away idk how i feel about committing to december plans in august. actually i do know, i wouldn’t feel great about it. it would also mean i couldn’t leave the country before then unless i wanted to be down like 4 grand. sigh. idk. i really do want to go. it’s not unlikely that i’d have more fun just going by myself too. we’ll see what happens i guess. one thing i want to stop doing is letting other people / situations control me and what i do. this is MY life. MY world. if i want to do something i should go ahead and do it without a single thought or doubt holding me back for a second. i shouldn’t wait around for someone to tell me they don’t want me here before i leave, or tell me they want me to come before i go. i can do whatever tf i want. take charge girl. seize this time. i am young and beautiful and have the whole world in the palm of my hand. no one can tell me shit and i’m done taking it. i’ve spent so much time worrying and wondering and contemplating.

now is the time to start living. do it for the plot. i love you too much to let you waste any more time or have any regrets. it’s nearly 5am now and i’d better get some shut-eye before i start on the many things i really don’t want to do tomorrow. oh yeah and PS i was 50.5 today. my waist at 21.5! i was sick this week and pretty much did a 3-4 day unintentional fast. it was that simple! of course it was, starving was the answer all along. im really proud. and i know you’ll be even prouder. i’m so, so excited for you my perfect angel. dreaming of you and doing everything for you, always.

until next thursday

xoxo

[imagines-babes]

Lover (Quackity)

Happy Valentine's Day, today's story is also short I'm sorry it's about 760 words. The story is also sweet so if you cry I did my job if not that is also okay. Today's song is, 'Lover,' by Taylor swift. I do hope you enjoy it till next week.

Quackity List Masterlist

**********

In 2 hours, I will be his lover. As he will be mine. We had been planning this wedding for a long while even before he proposed. It all fell into place. Alex and I were like two peas in a pod. We have been friends for 6 years before he proposed. We meet at school. I went up to him for some help. Then after we would talk more. We both played similar games. Then asked me to be a judge for his discord got talent as well with the discord cooking competition. I regret that taco I made as soon as I chose it. We made many videos. Even competed for his love or host. I was sadly runner-up. Still he agreed to take me on a Minecraft date.

With all this going I started to fall for him. I mean he is smart, funny, caring, thinks about how to get better with everything he does, doesn't rush, and is genuine. He makes anyone feel safe. I'm lucky to have someone like Alex. Within a year or 2 of the meeting, he asked me about a date the rest is history. But when he asked to be his lover. Was a day for the books.

We were celebrating his almost finishing law school. He was acting more suspiciously than usual or asking random questions. I will question but he would always say nothing. For him, being a lawyer he wasn't as good as a liar. He would do this with his hand, placing his thumb to touch the fingertips of his other hands as if he was counting. "Are you sure you are okay?" I question once more till he stood walking over to my side. Holding my hand, "I will after I ask you this," I gave a nod to him. "Y/n when I first meet you over 6 going on 7 years now. I thought that you wouldn't give me the chance to talk to you. But you did, shit I was scared when you started to talk to me first. Almost shited my pant," we both laugh as he continues, "but somehow after that, we became good friends then best friends. And I knew I wanted to be more than just best friends with you. So I asked you to be mine. When you said yes my heart was full. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't have been where I am right now without you. To all the streams. To the discord got talent. To me reading fanfic about myself and you. To Toontown. To the smp. To me rambling sometimes about Taylor swift, Obama, and pitbull. To the cooking competition. I am sorry for letting you join. Through everything you are still there for me. Even if I didn't have enough time in a day. I know you would still be waiting for me when I get you. I am grateful for you truly I am. I wouldn't want anyone else to be beside me than you." Shortly he got on his knee and pulled out a box. " y/n will you make me the happiest man in the world and will you be my lover?" I said yes sliding on the ring. We both hugged each other with a kiss.

That night will be a memory I will cherish forever. Till now, me walking down the aisle seeing him with his suit beanie or not. It didn't matter to me all I say was Alex. He cried holding my hand. As he brought it up to kiss my hand. To this day, he always seemed to make me smile. We stared at each other as I wipe my face from a tear. Hearing him say his I do. As the officiant looks over at me. "Do you y/n, take Alex to be your partner? Will you honor and cherish them; love, trust and commit to them, through joy and pain, sickness and health, and whatever life might throw at you till death do you part?" Looking to the officiant and then at Alex as I nod. "I do." The officiant said to repeat after me, "I promise to love you and commit to you my whole life. I promise to be there for you when you need me, to be honest with you, to be faithful to you and you alone, and to walk through the valleys of life together, just as we will stand atop mountains together, too." We repeat as the officiant nods, "congratulation, you may kiss your partner!" The crowd cheered while he brought me in for a kiss.

[askamydaily]

Grandson’s prom gown horrifies his gran

[Photo credit: Lisa Brewster: Flickr https://www.flickr.com/photos/sophistechate/9269569765]

Dear Amy: I have one son and two grandsons.

The older grandson, age 17, appeared at his prom wearing a full-length purple gown with nail polish to match.

I privately told my son (his father) that I was concerned for my grandson’s safety, as he would be a target if he is so flamboyant.

My son became very defensive and said that people can love who they want, and that society needs to get used to it. I agree. But there are people out there who don’t like this “in your face” behavior.

I have not mentioned this again. I don’t want to alienate my son or grandson, but the prospect of having a LGBTQ grandson makes me sick.

He spends most of his time alone in his room and is very sullen. His maternal grandfather committed suicide last year, so I am concerned about the mental health of the entire family.

They are receiving counseling individually and as a family.

Can I do anything other than cry myself to sleep?

Could this be a phase, or will he always be like this?

– Devastated Grandma

Dear Devastated: I have a blunt question for you: Are you going through a phase, or will you always be like this?

I hope it’s a phase.

Yes, you worry. Yes, you fret. But the role of a grandparent is actually so simple: All you have to do is to love your grandchildren – exactly as they are, exactly as they present to you; through phases, representations, or revelations – and through whatever joys or challenges they encounter.

Can you imagine the impact on this family if you just simply loved and accepted all of them, no matter what?

You might not understand why your grandson would make the choice to go to the prom wearing what sounds like an amazing outfit. But that sullen teenager left his bedroom, got dolled-up, and took himself to the prom!

(I wish I’d had an ounce of that kind of courage at his age.)

Furthermore, his father is his ally! Give yourself credit for raising a man who is a good parent.

This family is receiving professional support (another very wise choice).

Your only job here is to find a way around your own fears, and to relieve yourself of the burden to judge this family – and instead to love all of them, just as they are.

[radioactivebowtie]

Hey

Uh hi this is Finn here, so I know a lot of people have a lot of things to say. I’ve been reading as many people’s mourning thoughts as I can, but I also knew I would have a lot to say- I don’t even know if I’ll be able to say it all here! I might find some more words to say right after I post this as I usually do.

Inside Job was a silly little show I found last January and fell in love with. It was full of jokes and serious issues as well as some beautiful animation and there was no way I was leaving it alone anytime soon. I made a sona and fought my way through making lore that I could adore and make as show-accurate as possible.

It was hyper fixation at first sight.

After filling a literal folder within my google docs of character interactions and lore and telling as many of my friends about and watching it and re-watching it with them. I reignited my love for tumblr. I ate so much content up the moment that I knew it existed that I tried joining in!

I remember posting Finn on here and then writing character interactions with people sonas while never sharing them because I was so scared that it would be weird. I interacted with Outis first, Willie was cute and had so many fun things I could do it would go great! (I sent it to him and ran away and then like screamed when he said he liked it)

The next time I talked to someone it went better I’d say even if I was equally as terrified. Delaney, Inside Job brought me Delaney. I will never be able to thank them enough for that. Delaney is one of if not my best friends. She wrote me things when I was sad we talked daily despite having met like days before and have continued to do so up till now. She means so fucking much to me, she’s my hot fictional mom! My mon amour! My literal ride or die bestie. If I could say anything to the people of inside job I would tell them how thankful I am for letting me meet Laney.

They also brought me to the shadow council. Well the shadow council of tumblr. A group of people who I think I would kill for? They make me laugh and smile and SOMETIMES CRY BECAUSE I THEY WRITE AND DRAW SOME SAD SHIT SOMETIMES but I love them anyway. They are silly, they make some damn good art and writing and they are some of my most cherished friends. I’ve never been so happy to have friends who share my interests and support me and are so fucking cool. Thank you for accepting me into your ranks and promoting me from assistant to leader with you guys. I love you so much I will never be able to fully explain it.

A lot of people have talked about how the show helped with their mental health, it helped them through rough times and I cannot thank them enough for those same reasons. This was my comfort show, my go to. I talked about it non stop and watched it whenever I was sad, wrote and read about it when I was sad. 

I used JR to comfort myself, I didn’t expect him being my dad to become more than a joke. Something that I thought would just make for funny circumstances yknow? But this stupid old crime commiting idiot became so comforting to me- I used him to cope. He wasn’t always written the most canonically but that was never the point. I made him mean something to me. He still and will always be my dad. He will be broken out of jail to me and if I can’t then I will bring him cupcakes to eat during visitation hours.

Reagan actually helped me start looking into an autism diagnosis? I know her having autism isn’t like an uncommon thought amoungst people watching the show but it helped me feel kind of seen. I related to her in a lot of ways and was genuinely moved by her story as well as continually laughing at any joke that she made.

Andre might be the toughest for me to let go of, JR might edge him out but I think Andre might be a close second. This stupid man means so much to me- (he’s so smart I am deflecting don’t let me lie to you) at first I was so ready to just dismiss him as some funny side character. But they wrote him so well- and then they gave us the wedding episode and he hit home. He hit so fucking close to home. He had depth and it hit so close to home that it made me fall for him hook line and sinker. He was funny but he had depth and I felt like he would get me? Like sure we would have a bunch of different experiences but we could help each other out. I’ll miss him so much.

I want to thank inside job for everything, they gave me so much to look forward to and be happy about. It made me feel creative and I was so happy write and draw and figure out how to make my silly little character be in this interesting and wonderful world. Thank you to the wonderful crew for making such an amazing show that brought so many of us together.

and once again, Fuck you Netflix.

[mimicutiesexylovely]

TELL ME HOW TO MAKE TOU HAPPY (Park Seonghwa)

Pairing: Seonghwa x @whatudowhennooneseesyou

Words count: 1834

Summary: Ruby misses Seonghwa but doesn’t know what to do ‘cause they have a long distance relationship. But he has something in mind…

Genre: angst, fluff, SMUT

Ruby, thanks for the request, I hope you’ll like it ❤️

——————————————————————————

I wish this day would end quickly. I tried everything to distract myself: purified the house with incense, charged all my crystals, even studied a new tarot deck. Not to mention the time spent cuddling with my furry friends.

Yet none of this worked.

The thought of Seonghwa's absence is much stronger.

We have been together for 6 months now, it is an important time in our relationship, but the distance is killing me.

We only manage to see each other a couple of times a month if all goes well... and while that might be fine for many, it's extremely difficult for me.

Physical contact is essential for a woman like me, I love cuddling, the closeness of my partner... I love him so much, but this relationship is doing me more harm than good.

—————————————————————————-

We arranged a video call before going to bed, so I got ready in my jammies and crawled under the covers waiting for the call.

Seonghwa is a punctual guy; in fact, he calls me precisely at the time we had set.

"Baby! Here you are at last, I was looking forward to being able to see you. How are you?"

His smile is wonderful, he can warm your heart, but this time, instead of warmth, I feel a huge emptiness in my chest. I would like to greet him and smile back at him, but I can't. My eyes are starting to water, I've exhausted my energy trying to get through this particularly heavy day, so I can't contain myself and tears now are streaming down my cheeks. My boyfriend notices immediately, and his smile turns into a look full of concern.

"Ruby? What's going on?"

“Do you want the truth?" I try to speak between sobs.

"I can't take it anymore, I'm sorry, I tried to handle this situation, but I'm obviously not the right person to handle a long-distance relationship. I miss you constantly, and I can't do anything about it, because you have commitments anyway and I can't expect you to be there for me 24/7, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me or that I can't stand it. I tried to hide it from you so you wouldn't feel bad, but in doing so, I feel even worse."

I keep crying, now I am no longer able to contain myself; all the stress of these months has come to the surface.

Seonghwa is speechless, and I can't blame him, few hours ago I made him think I was fine, but instead it's all the opposite.

"Ruby, why didn't you say anything to me? We could have talked about it earlier rather than getting you to this point. Seeing you like this makes me feel bad, and that doesn't mean you have to suffer alone, rather let's find a solution together. Tell me how I can make you happy, and I will do everything to succeed."

"I only want to have you by my side, only this."

I decide to end the call; I can't think straight now, nor can I bear the look of pain on the face of the person I love.

Seonghwa's job is beautiful, it has been his dream for as long as he can remember, it allows him to see the world, to do what he loves, but the same time it takes away so much space for the rest and therefore for me as well. I love him so much, more than myself, but our lives are too different and we are too far apart, I don't know what to do, however, I know, that I can't go on like this.

I decide to put myself to sleep, I definitely need to rest and especially not to think.

——————————————————————————

It’s one of my dogs who wakes me up, to the sound of little touches with his wet nose, making me smile. He is on the bed wagging his tail, far too cheerful for my taste. I say this because he is usually the most sleepy of all.

It is at that moment that I hear noise coming from the hallway. I get a little alarmed because living alone, I’m more than certain that there is no one in the house, but at the same time I try to calm down since all my pets are silent. They would have messed up if there were any strangers in the house. I look around and count all my kittens, trying to figure out if it's one of my cats making the noise I hear in the house, but at last count, they're all in my bedroom. This makes me suspicious, so I decide to get up. I take one of my candlesticks and hold it tightly in my hand knowing that I could use it as a defensive weapon--in fact now that I think about it, I would hurt anyone very badly with this object. I walk down the hallway until I get to the entrance, where my living room is, but there is nothing there. Still moving toward the kitchen, which I find with the door ajar, I take a deep breath and decide to open it and hold my breath at the sight before me: Seonghwa is right in front of me, making pancakes. The candelabra falls out of my hands in surprise, startling my boyfriend, who turns sharply toward the direction of the noise, and so our gazes, after about 20 days, cross again. Without a second thought, I run to him and hug him tightly, as tightly as I can.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him as I continue to hold him in my arms, letting him do the same.

"Good morning to you, too." He giggles.

"Good morning." I whisper with my face hidden in the crook of his neck.

"The video call we had yesterday destroyed me. I was afraid of losing you, so without thinking twice, I took a plane and came here. I've missed you so much, and I don't want to see you feel bad."

I hug him tighter, without knowing what to say.

"Thank you for being here."

"It's the least."

When we part, our lips meet immediately, first calmly and in a short time, the kiss gains passion and becomes more intense.

My hands run down her back while hers are clinging to my hips as she draws me closer and closer to her.

"Hwa..."

"Tell me, baby."

"Let's go to the bedroom..."

In a few seconds, we are lying on the bed in my room. His body immediately towers over mine as he wastes no time in deepening the kiss by making our tongues meet. His hands close cupped around my cheeks, and as the kiss becomes a passionate dance, my body is enveloped in a feeling of warmth. He shifts to leave moist kisses on my throat, moving down to the collarbones as with his hands he begins to pull down the straps of my nightgown, which slips slightly uncovering my breasts a bit. His lips rest on my chest as he runs his other hand down my thigh, lifting the edge of the only garment separating us.

"You are overdressed."

"Let's fix that right away."

He moves away from me to get on his knees on the bed, his eyes not leaving me for a moment as he begins to slowly slip off his jacket to throw it on the floor. The V-neck top he’s wearing is incredibly tight, allowing a glimpse of every single perfectly outlined muscle. He’s beautiful as always.

"Come here, don't keep me waiting." I call him, completely impatient to have him closer.

"Are you that impatient?" he asks in a sneer. His right hand reaches my throbbing center causing me to let out a moan.

"You are already so wet... Tell me how much you want me to touch you Ruby, tell me."

His hand is there, but he doesn't move, and his expression is about to send me to the madhouse.

"Please Hwa, I need you."

"Good girl."

He shifts again only to take his shirt off, showing me his fully sculpted torso, which I would gladly fill with kisses and bites. Back close again, he lets his hand slide from his ankle, slowly moving it up, to his groin. I plead with him with my gaze before arching toward him. He finally begins to move his hand and his fingers immediately find my clitoris; he makes circular movements leaving me almost breathless.

I take his face and seek his lips, kissing him with all the desire I feel amounting to in my body. His fingers give me no respite, I begin to tighten around them, and before I can feel it, I reach climax. Our lips part again, and I, contrary to what I thought, feel even more need than before. I reverse positions by sitting on his pelvis and immediately feel his erection through his pants. I pounce on his neck, begin to bite his skin and leave a hickey just below his ear. I leave a trail of kisses on his pecs, enjoying biting his nipples as well. The sounds he makes are heavenly. I draw an imaginary line with my tongue all along my abs, but as soon as I get to the edge of my pants, he stops me.

"Let me make you feel good. I cannot wait any longer. I desire you." Once again, he’s on me, switching position.

His hands grab my nightgown and literally tear it off and then throw it into a remote corner of the room, but I honestly don't care. All I care about is him, his skin, his touch. His lips glued to mine, we exchange a kiss made more of biting than anything else. My hands meanwhile run up his back, enjoying the texture of the skin they are touching, each muscle twitching. His attentions shift to my breasts, his tongue playing with one nipple, which he enjoys biting from time to time, while he takes care of the other with his hand. I only feel a fire taking over my lower abdomen. "Take me, please."

He doesn’t need to be ask twice, so he gets rid of the last piece of his clothing, not before retrieving a condom from his pocket.

His hands part my thighs, and before long, I feel him inside me.

I cling to him, and I let go completely, concentrating on the pleasure he is giving me.

My body is on fire, and all I can do is look him in the eye and think I don't want to let him go ever again.

——————————————————————————

We are lying on the bed, naked and hugging each other. This is heaven.

"I was thinking about something." He begins.

"What?"

"The long-distance relationship doesn't work for both of us anymore...I do a job that keeps me in my city...but I want to be with you. So I thought, why don't you move in with me?"

"Are you serious?"

“Of course. You don’t have to give me a response now. Take you time. But… I think it’s the best for us. I want to live with you, share my life with you."

“I don’t need time. It’s a yes. I want to live with you. I want to wake up next to you every morning.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then, let’s do it.”

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 317: My Boy Was Just Like Me

Previously on BnHA: AFO randomly blew up Lady Nagant as a good reminder of why you should never make a deal with this fucking guy, smdh. Hawks was all “well if it isn’t my two best friends, Deku and Lady Nagant, both of whom I respect and love tremendously.” Everyone was all “??” and Horikoshi was all “shh... just pretend” because it was too embarrassing for him to admit that he forgot to write a couple of set-up flashbacks I guess. Anyway so Hawks got Lady to tell them where AFO was hiding out, and everyone said goodbye to her and Overhaul, who never did get to see his boss (sorry buddy, I’ll send you a vial of my tears in the mail), and headed out to a house in the woods. AFO was all “hello Deku :) :) it sure is fun making you suffer :) :) :) anyways this is a trap”, and blew up the house. Yeah, we all here are getting reaaaaaaaal tired of your shit, AFO.

Today on BnHA: The Hawksquad and Edgeplatoon meet in a warehouse and are all “what should we do about the fact that everything sucks?” Mt. Lady is all “here’s a thought, what if we tried battling AFO with more than six people.” Hawks and Endeavor are all “great initiative, but just a friendly reminder that our friends also suck and would probably betray Deku which would suck further still.” Shouto is all “ANSWER THE PHONE DAD” and Endeavor is all “[IRONICALLY DOESN’T ANSWER THE PHONE].” Meanwhile over in Sadtown, capital of Sadland Prefecture, Japan, Deku is all “All Might, as you can clearly see I am completely fine and good, never been better in fact, definitely not caught up in the throes of an epic mental breakdown which is shutting me down emotionally, anyway so on that note I would like to leave you now goodbye!!” All Might is all “[can’t actually form any words because he’s too distraught].” Fandom is all “o(╥﹏╥)o.” Horikoshi is all “(*＾-’) 乃 [pew pew finger guns and barrel rolls into the darkness].”

sweet jesus lord

this literally doesn’t even look like Deku anymore?? this looks like Dark!Deku who shows up to fight you in that one room in the Water Temple. he looks like he’s about to crawl out of my television set and murder me with his psychic powers good lord

holy shit lmao Horikoshi is really just shrugging his shoulders and resolving last week’s cliffhanger with a single line of dialogue

fire is no one’s weakness. idk what other options you’ve got, AFO, but you’re gonna have to go back to the drawing board. maybe try bees or something. I’m just saying. we’re all expecting fire at this point but nobody is expecting bees

anyway so now they’re all sitting in some warehouse somewhere chatting about it I guess. shoutout to Horikoshi for finally giving my man Edgeshot some more dialogue at long last

well, Edgeshot, to answer your question, she exploded. so naturally she’s fine

nah just kidding, Hawks says she won’t be able to help them out much because she’s recovering from being exploded. this is the part where we all ignore the fact that Hawks got set on fire for like a full ten minutes back during the War arc and was only in the hospital for a day. anyways enjoy your temporary plot hiatus Nagant

man there’s a lot of dialogue here and I’m trying to figure out where to insert commentary but it’s kinda difficult lol. basically, Edge and the others are saying that they should gather up the other remaining heroes and get them all caught up on the whole OFA situation. which, hmmmm

like on the one hand, these guys definitely aren’t going to cut it on their own, so it’s a reasonable suggestion on the face of it. but on the other hand, do we really want to entrust the OFA secret to a bunch of other people, most of whom shat the bed during the War arc to be quite frank? is it really worth the additional risk? especially given that any one of them might go spilling the beans to the public -- or worse, betray them to AFO??

also just a quick side note here, Mt. Lady’s character development never ceases to delight me. she’s become so committed to her responsibility as a hero these days, and it fucking suits her. I genuinely consider to be one of the elites now. I mean it doesn’t hurt that all the other elites are fucking dead lol but still

wait what? Death Arms retired??

Death Arms as in the guy who was too afraid of a little fire to try and save a terrified 14-year-old kid who was slowly suffocating right before his eyes?? that Death Arms???? color me surprised. shocked, I tell you

...okay but holy fuck

Death Arms. bro. my expectations for you were low but holy shit. like I’m sorry, but I don’t even have it in me to try and pretend like I feel the slightest bit of sympathy for him or Old Man Samurai or any of those other guys today. thanks for a whole lot of nothing my dude. good riddance

(ETA: so I’m rereading this the next day and realize this comes off as kind of harsh, so let me just try to clarify. it’s not the fact that he’s quitting that bothers me, to be honest. it’s the fact that he’s quitting specifically because he feels like the public is being mean to him. that’s it.

seriously. it would be one thing if he was quitting because he was scared, because now that is human. nobody wants to die, and I doubt any amount of training can ever fully prepare someone to go up against that fear. but the thing is, he never once mentions that, or talks about the danger aspect. instead, I got the distinct vibe from this speech that Death Arms is one of those people who only became a hero because of the limelight. and I just don’t have any patience for that. if all you care about are likes and subscribes then go become a fucking youtuber or some shit. nothing wrong with that! but you didn’t; you signed up to be a hero and protect these people. they gave you their respect and admiration because they trusted you to protect them. and now that they’re no longer in the mood to worship and applaud your every move on account of them being scared shitless because they’re living in the literal end times, you decide to dip. so like okay, fine then. don’t let the door hit you on the way out. anyways lol sorry for the rant.)

anyway so yeah. perfect example of why I don’t exactly have a ton of faith in most of the remaining heroes out there lol. also let me just once again give a shoutout to my best girl Mt. Lady whom I suddenly find myself appreciating all the more

“please calm down makeste. drink some water and enjoy this fresh new jeans pun” listen Horikoshi don’t tell me what to do dammit

fine. it is a nice pun, I guess

-- damn so now Endeavor’s saying that the media is already being fed info by the retired heroes. so for some of these guys it wasn’t enough for them to abandon all the people they swore to protect and to leave their fellow heroes out in the cold; they decided they might as well actively make things worse for them while they were at it, huh. like I get wanting to spill all the dirty secrets from your old job that you just quit, but this isn’t Jeff Bezos you’re screwing over, this is a sixteen-year-old kid

-- like, yes!! this, right here!!

exactly!! let’s not forget that there are already two prior instances of this happening. Endeavor arguably deserved it, but Katsuki not so much

huh. Endeavor seems to have a more optimistic outlook regarding this than I do lol

I mean, this is the same public that didn’t hesitant to blame a kidnapped child for his own kidnapping, and then later on for being the downfall of the Symbol of Peace. but okay then

anyway so blah blah blah, more talk about how they need to use Deku as bait, which basically puts them back at square one, and then they’re all just trailing off into silence and sitting around in the dark lmao this is getting very depressing

SKDJFLSDKJ:LFKJ

SHOUTO?????

NOOOOOOOO ARE YOU KIDDING ME

OH HOW THE TURNTABLES OMG. THE GHOSTER HAS BECOME THE GHOSTEE. Endeavor you petty son of a bitch. and what a brutal cut to that flashback too. “let’s stop Touya together” nah Shouto I’ve got a better idea why don’t I abandon you in U.A. and sally off with Hawks and Jeanist to found the “let’s pretend like we’re doing something to help Deku” club, which basically consists of us sitting around making terrible decisions all day long

Shouto, honey. you deserve better my little Coca Cola can. .........but if you really do have something important you need to tell your dad you could just text it to him. all the love and support, hugs and kisses, you’re doing amazing sweetie. but if you need to pass on any vital information you can just write it down and hit send honey that’s all I’m saying love

now he’s getting another call?? -- or, no, Hawks is getting a call from All Might

ARE YOU FOR REAL HAWKS OMFG

so while you all were sitting around talking about how useless you are, the kid you’re supposed to be protecting was battling another hired gun. I see. please pardon me for one second, I have a phone call to make. the phone call is to RockLockRock and Manual. the reason for the call is to apologize for calling them the worst bodyguards ever back during the War arc. the reason for the apology is because it turns out I WAS SEVERELY MISTAKEN OMFG

JESUS CHRIST DEKU DID YOU JUST KILL THIS MAN LMAO

shoutout to Horikoshi for offscreening this fight. we get it, lol. Deku strong and scary, villains ineffectual and feeble, and AFO... [checks notes] yep, still a dick. the angst arc continues

-- the angst arc continues, SIR

jesus christ I may have to rethink all of my opinions about Deku being framed for murder in movie 3 lmao. never mind. he did it, your honor

holy fucking shit Deku. “he might blow up, so please be careful” fdlskjflk jlskdjflk lwkejflk anyway so I’ve decided the explosion running gag can stay, actually

DEKU WAIT YOU FORGOT YOUR LUNCH!!

lol why do I get the feeling some serious shit is about to go down. ALL MIGHT NEVER MIND BACK OFF I THINK HE NEEDS HIS SPACE

OH MY FUCK I GASPED OUT LOUD

NO NO NO. I KNEW THIS WAS COMING GODDAMMIT BUT NO. NEVER MIND, I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT IT, I’M NOT READY TO CRY TODAY

shit. shit shit shit shit and OF COURSE all I can fucking think about is that stupid fucking prophecy and gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Deku please. please please please if you really are going to leave All Might here, please be so very careful in choosing your farewell words to him now because have this sudden horrible fear that this might be the last time you ever see him alive and oh god. oh god oh god

DEKU NO, YOU’RE REALLY NOT!?!?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE LESS FINE IN MY LIFE, ACTUALLY????

holy shit. and the fucking callback to the prophecy now. just in case we forgot. WHICH FYI, WE DIDN’T. but that’s basically confirming that this is all still very much on the table and HORIKOSHI NEVER FORGETS oh my god someone please hold me

and the fact that Deku’s flashing back to it now too, though?? because he never forgot either, because of course he didn’t, and now all this stuff is happening, and AFO’s words are getting to him, and this is literally his worst fear come to life and so of course he’s distancing himself from everyone, and now it’s finally come to even this. even the person he admires most

-- OKAY NO, FUCKING COME ON ALREADY I CAN’T TAKE THIS

I GET IT OH MY GOD, I ALREADY UNDERSTAND THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF THIS MOMENT WITHOUT ALL OF THE DEVASTATING FLASHBACKS THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!! YOU ACTUALLY DO WANT ME TO CRY, HUH, IS THAT IT. THIS MAN THAT HE THINKS OF AS A FATHER, THIS MAN WHO HAS BEEN EVERYTHING TO HIM SINCE HE WAS A VERY YOUNG CHILD. EVERYTHING THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH, JUXTAPOSED AGAINST EVERYTHING DEKU IS UP AGAINST, EVERYTHING THAT’S AT RISK. LET’S JUST PUT IT ALL SIDE BY SIDE. LET’S JUST PILE ON ALL OF THE FEELS

(ETA: just a quick note that even though some of the posts I’ve read have described these as All Might’s flashbacks, I’m pretty sure they are Deku’s. most of these are scenes that only he was there for, so yeah. even though All Might is the one thinking the thoughts on the next page, the flashbacks are what’s running through Deku’s mind right now, and so we’re getting that emotion from both of them, which makes it extra devastating lol.)

wait, what???

WHAT??? do you really think that’s why he’s been so determined to protect you this entire time?? simply because you’re his successor?

-- oh no wait lol I think I got that mixed up, this is All Might saying that Deku feels the need to protect him. well that makes more sense lol

oh my god I cannot

his last words. his last words to him. and we can’t even see if he is smiling, like All Might always encouraged him to do. but what are the odds he can’t actually bring himself to do it. what are the odds he’s actually crying. oh god this scene is going to rip my heart out and STOMP on it in the anime isn’t it. Deku’s VA is going to full on murder me with emotion. not that there’ll be much of me left to murder after the thorough job that Horikoshi has already done here

YOU’RE CRYING. DEKU IS LEAVING ALL MIGHT AND IGNORING HIS OUTSTRETCHED HAND AND YOU’RE CRYING. AND BY “YOU” I MEAN “ME”, FUCK

nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope no words just feels just a big ol’ pile of feels. I do not have the strength. future me... [broadly gestures] good luck with all that

(ETA: LOL, WELL THEN.

what breaks my heart here is All Might. All Might, and everything he’s been through, and history repeating itself, and forcing him to live this moment from both sides because he wasn’t strong enough to fix things.

Toshinori had only just turned eighteen when Nana died. like, I feel like we don’t mention this enough. the All Might we know is a sixty-something-year-old man, and so everyone always talks about him like he’s basically been an adult forever. but he was a child when he met Nana. and he was still just a child when she died. barely a year older than Deku is now. younger than Mirio was when we first met him.

and we don’t talk about that. we don’t talk about how devastating that was for him. and we don’t talk about how the reason he grew up to become so reserved and withdrawn -- for all that he always tried so hard to outwardly project the image of a bold, confident, smiling hero -- was specifically because of what AFO did to him. because AFO targeted him in the exact way that he is now targeting Deku. because that’s what he does. he goes after every new user of OFA, and he finds out what’s most important to them, and then he destroys it. and for Toshinori, that was Nana. if you’ve read All Might Rising, you know that AFO basically killed her in front of him (and only killed her, while letting Toshinori and Gran get away). Toshinori (while crying) later says she was like a mother to him. and interestingly enough, during this same conversation, Gran tells Toshinori that he can see “that madness in [his] eyes” when Toshi talks about becoming strong enough to defeat AFO. madness in his eyes. sound familiar??

what’s happening to Deku now is the exact same thing that happened to Toshinori when he was a boy. AFO tried every bit as hard to break him as he’s trying with Deku now. “the path you’ve chosen is a thorny one. every battle grinds away at your soul with no end in sight.” we don’t talk about how Toshinori experienced this same thing for forty fucking years. and all the while isolating himself, exactly like Deku is doing now. pushing people away, exactly like Deku. because he never had anyone who was able to reach out and pull him back. and those words that he now finds himself frozen and unable to speak -- “don’t push yourself”; “you can rest” -- are the same words that no one ever said to him until decades later, when it was already far too late to make any difference.

everything that Deku is experiencing now is what Toshinori also went through. and it’s only now, as he watches it happen to his student, the boy he loves like a son, that he’s finally starting to realize the full extent of how wrong it was. you shouldn’t have to fight alone. you shouldn’t have to bear that kind of enormous burden alone. you shouldn’t have to push yourself, and you can rest. you can rest.

but it’s too late. just as he’s finally coming to understand it all, it’s all too fucking late. and he can’t say the words, he doesn’t know how to say the words, and then just like that, Deku is gone.

and he’s alone. again.)

I can’t. this can’t be their goodbye. I’m not ready. for this to be how they finally part, and then they never see each other again except in OFA. how is that fair. how is that fair. how is that fair

fuck me. lol. how many pages are left in this thing. let’s just wrap this up lol. so now of all the times for this fucking guy to finally show up

I can’t believe Stain has been here literally this entire time hiding behind this random wall and cutting onions. that was you who was cutting the onions, right. no need to answer that we’ll just say it was

HORIKOSHI JUST END THE CHAPTER PLEASE I’M OUT OF SPOONS. YOU HURT ME SO GOOD AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT BUT YOU NEED TO LET ME GO NOW SO I CAN BEGIN THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO PUT MY LIFE BACK IN ORDER HERE. SO WHERE ARE WE CUTTING TO NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING

Stain did you also let AFO give you a new quirk. what’s with you guys. do you like blowing up

oh nvm lol because they were talking about THIS GUY ohhhhhh my fucking god

THAT’S BECAUSE HE’S SAD, LINDA!! jesus

omfg. and so yes, good, the chapter is ending here now on page 15. for once I am FULLY on board with that lmao

anyway so tune in next week for more adventures of Werewolf Deku!! that is, assuming we don’t finally cut back to U.A. at long last, which is actually a strong possibility considering that this chapter will likely mark the end of volume 31. it sure wouldn’t kill Horikoshi to start giving us some hope after everything he’s just put us through lol. KACCHAN COME GET YA BOY