#makes my skin crawl a little

[nebulousmedic]

Were you in the fandom long enough to witness spy x scout before it was revealed that spy is scouts dad? Bc bro it was fucking awful once it was revealed 💀

I have only joined in... damn September last year? So not really, BUT I have seen some fics and art from that era, both before I joined the fandom (so back in the 2010s when I was a teen) and now cause I was curious about the older fanart and fics, and it's like.... damn thats unfortunate lmao I'm v sorry to those people.

Like imagine not being able to enjoy your ship anymore bc hey it turns out these characters are related? Not to mention the dumb fans that WILL attack you bc "you made X its problematic!!1!1" even though theyre not seeing it within the context of X thing being done before something about it was revealed. AND even if you make an AU for it, people will still think you're weird.

and also IT SEEMED LIKE A FUN SHIP???? I will never enjoy any of /that/ stuff, much less condone it, but like viewing it from the pre-reveal context, it looked like a fun dynamic.

[arowitharrows]

"everything is either about love or the absence of love" what an incredibly boring and one dimensional way to view the world and all it's complex and endless mechanisms. Also I do not trust you.

[labotor]

"I'll keep your secret, DiMA."

[heich0e]

not to get on some freak shit rn but i can't stop thinking abt a big and unspeakably terrible man saying "oh, poor thing" in the least sincerely sympathetic way possible

[rosurie]

rambling? a statement if you will ♡

I'm doing some redesigning. I briefly mentioned why in a reblog with the updated version of some designs but I wanted to just make a post to clarify [let me note that this was a post that was decided by both me and Dollya so please don't think I felt forced into it, it was actually something I had already planned on doing before speaking with Dollya]

but back to the redesigning! why am I redesigning? partially because I'm indecisive and mostly cause i realized that i was heavily referencing designs i liked and that didn't sit well with me. I'm specifically referring to Dollya's [ @dollya-robinprotector ] design for fem Robin and Fray's [ @fraternum-momentum ] design for Syd and old design for male Robin. not only did it make me feel gross once i actually sat with it but it's super disrespectful towards the artists, even if it wasn't my intention. you may notice that I've deleted some posts, for example my "welcome to dolville" post, and that's because I am currently redesigning. I'd rather not still have those old designs lingering around on my blog, not just for their sake as two artists I really love but also my own. these old drawings with these designs were always going to be taken down post my realization that I was basically just copying and pasting what I saw on my feed from these two onto my own designs.

I've actually spoken with both Dollya and Fray about this situation. we're okay now! though they'd both be perfectly in the right to be upset with me, they were both very calm and nice about the situation so I'd like to thank them [again lol. I just know y'all must be tired of me thanking you and saying sorry. also Fray, don't worry I'm not beating myself up over this ♡ but thank you for worrying. the posts were going to come down regardless lol] this is unfortunately probably not the first time I've done something like this, the only difference being that no one saw it before because it was artwork I never bothered posting and I ended up changing the designs again when I did start posting. it's not from a place of malice, honestly most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it for a bit, but it's still like shitty behavior. so I felt Fray and Dollya both deserved an apology. plus Dollya and I both thought a clarification was needed for people who follow me and for their sake [and for future reference because this sort of situation I'm sure isn't uncommon, in fact Dollya told me how common it was for her].

anywho thank you guys for reading and sorry for the long post but it was necessary ♡

tldr I took down some old posts because I was basically just copying designs and I hated it as well as the designers. and Dollya and Fray were both very understanding of my dumbassery ♡

edit note: I hope this doesn't come across as me trying to make excuses, because I'm not. I engaged in shitty behavior and I own that.

[northstarscowboyhat]

Just saw some very upsetting artwork. Need to do a Dadlo and Clover doodle sheet to heal, I think.

Anyways! Friendly reminder that if you ship Clover with Starlo, do not touch my artwork or come near me!

[lesbianralzarek]

re: isaac brooke's smile

people seem to hard disagree with me on whether or not isaac's smile is cute. not only do i think its unnerving, i think that its a crucial aspect of isaac. in the first club auspex (which, btw, i was combing through for pictures of alex smiling and both him and aabria are v cute there), alex said that he likes vampires because they "look human but are the farthest thing from it". compare alex's regular, non-vampiric, smile to isaac's

isaac is a predator wearing the skin of his prey. full stop. in his solo scene, he smiles a lot less when its just michael and angela, because they know its 80% a performance. as a tzimisce, he has to work overtime to make other kindred comfortable around him. he looks like he googled "normal smiles for non-threatening people" and practiced them in the mirror

outside of labn and nybn, alex is a creature actor in the horror genre. there is no fucking way that the massive difference between his regular smile and isaac's isnt on purpose

[nguyenfinity]

[slams this on the table] HAPPY MOTHERS’ DAY

Extra:

[icewindandboringhorror]

currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....

[whohasfourthumbsand]

sobdo you like, gove the best hugs?

four arms...

+ Not big on physical contact, but the arms are warm, and I've been told they're a "comforting amount of weight". So, yes? Hypothetically?

+ If there was a way to scientifically quantify hug quality, I'd test that.

[we-be-me]

Needles babygirl ily so much don’t let the 999 operator get you down you’re so scary and cool

[lintwriting]

some of y’all are so weak when it comes to being horny. excuse me if you think that nobody can be into a milf young man pretending to be an old man with the prudiness of a fine young mistress, excuse me if you think the only way men can be attractive is if they’re peak gender role—muscled and abbed for days. what, you think I’m pretending to want to IMPREGNATE Shizun???? you think only a man designed to be a male power fantasy harem protagonist can be fuckable? stop projecting

don’t get me started on those who make Shen yuans prior self unimaginably pretty. fashionable clothing with tasteful glasses and a beautiful two block haircut and an ulzzang face.

don’t talk to me until you’ve thirsted imagining a horribly ugly incel Shen Yuan with a NON trendy short buzz cut that makes his fucking hair spiky thanks to how asian hair texture works, a weak chin, those terrible thin rectangle glasses that most real life nerds seem to land on, and an anime shirt ugly jacket combo that I saw everywhere growing up in a Asian American high school.

the algorithm brainrot has gotten to you if you can’t imagine old Shen Yuan that way, tbh. Mans was a lying flat syndrome hikkikimori neet aka an incel aka likely not the most interested in the extremely niche beauty standards that the algorithm pushes onto you, and trust me I’ve seen my share of Asian dudes that look like how I’ve described. God, I go on here and I feel like I’m TOO weird and freaky for thinking that Asian guys don’t gotta look like Pinterest boys to be beautiful.

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

me waiting for my writer’s block to fuck off and leave me alone so i can finish this chapter:

[angelstrawbabie420]

it’s so weird i’ve been a loner my whole life i need alone time or i will go crazy even if it’s people i love. i had zero problem growing away from people during covid like if anything that specific part of it was a relief to me. but lately i’ve felt this loneliness i never ever have before and it is actually tearing me apart

[wormtoxin]

updated personas/subroutines: (disclaimer: i still don’t think im plural, sorry)

Pepper/Clover: the main one, not even one of the subroutines really, just the blank slate object which all the others act upon. The physical body. The only persona recognized by society.

Autopilot: the regular forms and functions of being a human being. Wake up, brush teeth, go to class, come home, go to sleep. Sometimes one of the others sneaks in and replaces it without my notice, especially when I’m talking to other people, and I don’t care for that shit at all. Routine.

Rambles: Vile little subroutine that makes my mouth move well before my brain. Sometimes I feel like I’m going on and on and I can’t stop. I don’t like conversation much because having to talk necessitates Rambles and then I feel totally out of control and I hate it. Objectively this one has its uses but it’s also my least favorite.

The Wretch: Self-loathing subroutine. Convinced it’s a worthless fuckup and probably correct. Self-sacrificing while being selfish, apologetic while seeking sympathy, paradoxically victim and passive-aggressor. The worst of both worlds. I actually put a lot of time and effort into being properly accountable the way a human being should be, but sometimes i get overemotional and I spiral and that part’s The Wretch i think.

The Doll: Control, poise, perfection, submission, obedience. Maybe if it’s perfect we can get it right this time. If it’s just perfect then nobody can criticize it. Next time it’ll get it. Never does. Masking, I think? Maybe some kind of fucked up anti-masking? Can’t keep this one up for long. Wishes it could just be quiet for once and let our actions speak for themselves, but people keep trying to talk to it, and it inevitably slips away. Probably used it more when I was working.

The Dog: Playing, eating, sleeping, rolling, getting off, singing and drawing. Simple bodily expressions. Not so bright. This one doesn’t get much of an outlet. Kind of a lump, occasionally whipped into shape by expectation. I actually kinda like being this one but it’s impossible when being perceived by another human being. The most invisible persona of them all. Immoral (amoral?) and therefore unsustainable long-term

The Magician: Doing, studying, creating, dressing, presenting. A self-styled scholar. Flashy and stylish and confident. Would describe itself as “dark academia” or something similarly edgy-but-trendy. Work and school romanticized, transmogrified into an exciting fantasy. Useful for being productive.

The Witch: Free of responsibility to society or others or ethics. A heartbreaker maneater homewrecker bitch. A natural disaster. An expression not of individuality or self, but force and violence. Claiming anything it wants by any means necessary and destroying everything in its path. Selfish to the core. Chained up in a basement somewhere. It exists but it’s cruel and it sucks so I never ever let it out. But I like to remember it’s there. A trump card, a concealed weapon. Break glass in case of emergency. I feel the shape of its outline like a knife stashed in a boot and I know I could use it if I ever needed it.

Honorable Mentions:

Poetics: Playing with sounds, words, grammar, languages, ideas until they sound musical and pleasing. Etymology research, vocabulary buff, eidetic memory for certain words and phrases, but only when they sound “right”. Possibly used for all five senses, or possibly shares overlap with Composition (visual) and Kinesthetics (touch)

Faux Marxism: Self-righteous understanding of the dialectical materialist view of history. Used mostly for impassioned speeches at inopportune moments (Rambles) or in response to perceived political threats. Poetics and Faux Marxism are both very invested in learning as much vocabulary, history, languages, and multiculturalism as possible, but for very different reasons.

Horndog: you could take all of sexuality and sprinkle it across all the other different subroutines, OR you could concentrate it into one horrible little guy.

Puzzles: The subroutine that just will NOT let a problem go until it’s solved. Character designs, meaningless research inquiries, computer software. Very very very very rarely, actual assigned tasks. The Magician wants what Puzzles has.

Hibernation: Comfy cozy blanket pillow sweater cuddle nap pile. Memorized the rhythms of the winter hibernation episodes of Tanoshii Moomin Ikka and plays them in a loop continually year-round. This one might be straight-up biological. I think I might have a vitamin deficiency.

Fog: The squishy slouchy sweaty medium that fills up whatever psychic dream space all the other personas occupy. There used to be a sense of “me” but it got covered up by all the fog what seems like years ago. That sense of wholeness, control, totality, unification. It existed once. I like to think it’s still out there, somewhere, if I just get my meds right or get enough sleep and if I can just synthesize all the others maybe I can feel “like myself” again. But all the fog covers it up. Memory issues. Whenever I get a sudden moment of clarity, and I realize I’ve been one of the more loathsome subroutines, someone I don’t recognize, I’ll have just stumbled out of the fog. Always comes with a feeling of “Why did I just say that?” Or, “What did I just say?”. Dissociation, maybe???

????: see previous. The negative space that fills everything else in. I don’t even know whether to call this one “Selfhood” or “Synthesis” or “Control” or “Autonomy” or …”Me”. That’s probably most appropriate but it feels like too foreign a word to make sense of. Whatever was here once got swallowed up by the fog, and I don’t know what it is anymore. If it was here I think I could feel like a present sensor and agent in my own life again. This is probably what people expect out of “Pepper” or “Clover”, the flagship of the armada, the face and voice of the operation. I don’t know where that person is. All the subroutines (personas?) are trying to emulate her, stall for time until she comes back. She might not ever be coming back. We might be all we have.

[keeps-ache]

mm i Neeed to go the beach