#makes me feel like im 14 again
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Somebody literally just said this to me when I told them "Scream" was my comfort movie.
“how can a horror movie be comforting” sigh……. u wouldn’t get it
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Things had not changed so much. He could be patient. He would tell Osiris this story, too, when they were face to face once more.
#destiny#destiny 2#destiny the game#bungie#destiny art#saint 14#fanart#saint14day#HAPPY S14 DAY PPL 8D#this year my contribution is simpler bc of my low mental energy#im also catching up on commissions and organizing my ideas for this season#you all have no idea how harder it got for me to do the europan seasonal update#i feel like anything i do might mess up w actual plot so I just..... wait........#but lets focus on big best boy day <3#lore taken from the techeun regalia gloves!#i 1st planned to make a single comic page w the ending but - again - low brain energy#hopefully this will suffice <3
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day 0401
#its actually day 14 i lied#also expulsion is back on the table#the principl basically said that uhhh his feelings were hurt i think ?? he felt like i didnt care about waht he asid ????#i cant disagree with taht but i dont thin kthats a very good reason for threatening to make me leave again#ill find out the results of this new development on friday#im not even sure what work im supposed to get done in order to not get expelled#sigh#well see how this goes#digital art#mine#my art#fanart#vocal synth#doodle#utau#kasane teto
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my mother keeps calling and texting me and i just dont have the energy to talk to her and do the stupid fucking dance where she asks me about my life and we both pretend she isnt the reason everything is fucked up and stupid and then she suddenly says something like “i was telling this man i met that i was a really terrible mother to you and i feel really bad” and laughs and girl what am i supposed to say to that
#then shes like ‘ohhh ur my beautiful daughter ur soooo beautiful’#and all of a sudden im 14 again and shes taking every opportunity to make me feel bad about the way i look#the only thing thats changed is im now an adult who will tell her to fuck off#and i scared the shit out of her by cutting off my father bc she knows shes on thin ice
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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what are your guys thoughts on batboys ages?
#in my head...dick is 30 jay is 23 tim is maybe 19/20 and damian is 14#this is my case..#dick was 18 when he became nightwing. giving maybe a year of leeway before jay became robin at 12 that would make them 7 years apart#jay died at 15 so again giving like...idk 2/3 years between his death and tim becoming robin at 14 that makes them 3 years apart at most#then damian is canonically 14#so dick is 30 jay is 23 tim is 19/20 and damian is 14#im aware that newer canon puts jay and dick a lot closer to 3/4 years apart so dick would be alot younger#but i choose to go off of jason becoming robin at 12 so i can imagine the gen z vs millenial convos between dick and the others#bruce would be around 45 for me...somedays more like 50#which would make him about 24 when he adopted dick#so....idk#feel free to argue with me#batfam#batfamily#batboys#bruce wayne#batman#dc#nightwing#dick grayson#robin#red hood#jason todd#red robin#tim drake#damian wayne#dc comics#...💌#...🦇
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i truly hate pms i hate feeling this way i hate not having control of my emotions and my emotions being augmented by something that’s hormonal and not what feels true to me like i know if the same situations were happening to me 2 weeks from now id react totally differently but i cant help but feel and react the way i am now but it also doesn’t feel like me or authentic so im hahahhaha
#the like truly life altering lows i can get before my period r insane#also the way i can get even more rageful and snappy is awful#im more mature and composed and unaffected than this and yet lmao#my friends don’t communicate about when we can hang out and then in another group chat theyre organizing hanging out today#with other people im not that close with and idk what the hang out is but they’re talking about when to meet#and i know its cuz of another group they’re part of that im not in but it makes me feel small and 14 again#i hate that i’ve spent most of my life mourning my loneliness and idk how to fix it#i try to make friends and join activities and still im lonely#idk! idk :) i will be fine in 2 weeks i guess
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ill just be minding my business and then remember how fucked the experience i had with cps was and just how fucked cps is in general and actively harms the children its supposed to be there to help and get so mad i dig a hole into my skin with my nails so deep it starts drawing blood
#again. if you want the lore on why i fucking hate social workers so much. there ya go.#it makes me wanna fucking throw up everytime i see people felate social workers like theyre any better than cops.#not to be a broken record or anything but truly. the only fucking thing i had a lot of the time when i was like 14 was my stupid littl#e dc hardcore mix cd and i think digging that up and revisiting it has really brought up a lot of hard emotions and memories for me#ptsd fucking sucks so bad and it sucks so bad that ive made no progress since then either#i dont know. i dont know yall.#''you have to process your trauma'' ok well thats too hard and id rather die so. guess im too weak then and im not cut out for it#this is fucking stupid anyways.#too many feelings with nowhere to put them and no idea where to even start#thats not even considering what i currently haveto deal with in the present#um i give up and i was a fucking moron for ever believing life could be better#i dont have any profound conclusion. i was just fucking stupid for ever thinking i could be happy. lol.
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i love the combative way yaz asks questions after s12. i dont think she does it so much in s12 but from halloween apocalypse on (im thinking of "so you know them, these sea devils?" or "yeah, what does quantum extraction mean?" rn but im sure there are more) her questions always feel half challenge half like shes already gearing up for a fight
#combined with graham's 'shes still not explaining anything then?' in potd or like half of halloween apocalypse itself#('questions? no? see you later' & 'i feel like some of this might be my fault' & 'yeah we got away!' &#'i dont always tell you anything' & 'since ryan and graham left' etc etc)#you get a really clear picture of their duo trips#big finishhhhhhhhhhh let me write their duo adventureeessssssssssss#and ive said this before but i'll say it again bc ive been writing them so im thinking abt them but ithink 14 would be super sensitive to i#like takes a lot of care to not brush yaz off even in distraction or smth else fairly innocent#bc i think 13 in the end was purposefully avoiding answering questions#like if she answers this innocuous question then maybe yaz will ask another and another and then shes gonna feel empowered to#ask the Difficult Ones#so i think she just tried to avoid questions in general#and so 14 trying to make up for it (and for how unable yaz is left to tolerate any of the doctors unanswered questions anymore too)#just answers Everything. Promptly#yaz would of course figure out that she can use this for evil bc she can interrupt any conversation the doctor is having with anyone by jus#going 'what are we having for dinner' or smth#and she 100% Would use it for evil if the doctor is having conversations she doesnt like
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rime anon is probably a severely underrated slept on duo i should change that
#letting my playlists actually play instead of just looping one song is a dangerous game#bc i sit here every single song like fuckkkkk i have GOT to use them NOW#and then i continue to not use them#in related news gekiyaku v is tempting me#like akire buddy u have so many u dont use. u will also not use gekiyaku v. lets use our sense#but i sit here like ohhhh i should. i should get her. a new friend for all the other synths.#i already have so many out there duos i could use and probably never will#i do feel a little guilty getting synths and then not using them#but i feel like at this point my fate as a rime producer is sealed. like. im always like 'what if it was rime'#and then i cant argue with that logic so rime it is#<- person who never finishes or posts anything#like did u know i have kaai yuki bc i also frequently forget i have kaai yuki#theres only one synth im like why did i get u im literally never going to use u & its ia.#dont get me wrong i love a good ia song but i just have never had the desire to use her beyond when i was like 14#but i also wanted gumi then too. which will never happen now im not a gumi fan#i can respect a good gumi song but shes so very not my choice#the list of synths likely to see the light of day (again in some cases) is like.#first choices: rime of course. kafu. lapis.#second choices: zunko. seeu. mayu. coko.#u kno i keep forgetting chisei & maikiv too. hm.#i completely forget what i was talking about usually i would delete this but im making it everyone elses problem this time
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if i can kill myself before tomorrow at 10 pm i'll never actually turn 30
#um. not to quote bo burnham but. how am i 30.#not to be like this. again. but ever since i found out my ex died ive hated my birthday extra. especially bc i found out 6 days before#my birthday in 2020 and especially bc he died 10 days before his#and also i was born at 10:14. can u guess what day he died#and how he died in the hospital i was born in#and anyway. idk it just got a lot harder when i found all that out and whatever#but at at any rate. not stoked about being 30 if u cant tell. i know it's just the internet brainwashing me but god it just feels#like wow. 30. which is insane because i felt like this at 25 and now i look back and im like wtf i was so young#anyway v depressed about it all and ive been sick ALL week and i still am#which makes it even worse!!! and then i also got my period#and i had to do my interview sick last week which was fine it actually didnt go too bad despite being sick#but anyway absolute shit time to be turning 30. and on a monday for gods sake
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just wrapped the first christmas present of the year ❤️
#for my friend who hates presents of course 😂#its the stupid teddy bear onesie he has magically instantly putgrown BOTH the previous times i got him one it fit him for like a week 😤#so i got it in the next two sizes up and that's that!!!!#babies grow so fast wtf never buy clothes as a present for a baby that's all i can say#but i can't accept defeat so here we go#his mom will appreciate it even tho she doesn't like getting presents tho lol#and its insane to give christmas presents before thanksgiving but for all i know this baby is gonna outgrow them both by then#i literally bought the size 9-12 months like last month#i ordered it immediately after his mom told me she THOUGHT HE WOULD BE IN THAT SIZE SOON#and it was already too toght on him when it arrived a week later 😭#so now i got size 12-18 and size 18-24 this baby's gonna be cozy this winter or else!!!#i cannot afford this btw#the original onesie was pretty cheap it was o. sale for like $17 but then i bought it twice#and the size maxed out at 9-12 months#so i had to upgrade to a toddler one and it was $22 and i got two of them again plus shipping#and i only make 14 dollars an hour and i'm lucky to work even two days a week at my new job lol#im putting off getting a second job until after i cover a coworkers maternity keave in feb tho bc then i def would be full time#for at least 6 weeks#and its possible she might decide not to come back or another aide would leave by then#so i might have an opportunity to be full time by then ir at least close to that#anyway#no money november fr 😔#just realized my tags are confusing my friend is the mom not the baby 😂#she's the one who gates receiving gifts bc she feels awkward lol#but she's broke af and can't afford clothes for her baby let alone cute ones and she loved the onesie when she fot it at her baby shower#but then the baby came a week and a half late#he was supposed to be a march baby he was born in april#and all of a sudden it was too warm for the onesie and he inly got to wear it once#so i was like ok i will get another one in the fall/winter then#but alas
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Vani writing tips + personal thoughts that noone asked for but you will be hearing
1: longer is Not always better. If youre telling a story, then your audience doesnt need 3 pages worth of side material. If youre writing to genuinely draw in an audience and tell a story then you need to not treat it like a game where the goal is to get the highest wordcount possible. You should be treating yourself And your audience with respect and making sure the words you use make an impact rather than trying to fill empty space. Brevity is your friend
2: if you need to make a clarification that your work doesnt endorse what your protagonist is doing, or needs to clarify that the protagonist is a Bad Person, then youre not mature enough to be writing that material. At best it shows that you dont understand the nuances of writing villain protagonists, and at worst it looks like you think your audience is too stupid to understand that saying slurs is a bad thing.
3: you cannot attempt to break the rules of writing if you dont understand them in the first place. You arent douglas adams. You arent Mark Danielewski. You need to stop and learn how to use a semicolon and a hyphen and how different words help describe things before you try to make a thousand word 'stray from traditional storytelling' . At the very least learn the basics from a youtube video
4: YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO WRITE DIALOGUE EVEN IF ITS BAD. You cannot dodge around dialogue by just having back and forth phrases in quotation marks. And no marker you use to differentiate speakers is going to be anywhere close to just using "he said" or even "he yelled". Youre robbing yourself of crucial storytelling materials. Even if you dont want to learn every part of how to write you Need to learn how to do dialogue or your entire story is going to crumble
#vani verbals#reblogs turned off just cuz i dont feel like seeing this shared everywhere.#peoples opinions on what good writing tips are vary and i dont want someone adding onto or subtracting from my points#but these are just basic things that i notice early writers do. none of it is bad. and you get better with practice#but at the same time. as a reader some of these things really frustrate me. i dont like reading a 10k fic that couldve been 4k if it wasnt#full of random shit that doesnt belong there. i dont like struggling to read 'dialogue' because the person who wrote it doesnt know how#i dont like having a characters actions explained to me because the author assumes im a tiktok using 14 year old who doesnt know what#nuance or critical thinking are. new writers need to understand that even as a new writer there are things they need to do to make their#audience enjoy the work. again im all for new writers! i love it! but you need basic knowlege /with/ that practice yknow#AAANYWAY . just some of my thoughts#feel free 2 leave ur takes in the replies btw i want 2 hear what u guys think. just not in a reblog where it could explode and get annoying
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on the train rn omw to therapy and listening to allegri's miserere because i am normal and sane and do not need therapy at all actually
#look at me im listening to 10 minutes of the same silly fucking tune repeating over and over and over again this is the definition of sanity#not to take credit away from mozart#but i do feel like when people are like 'can you BELIIIIEEEEEEVE he transcribed it after hearing it only TWICE' they forget that#it really is the same two motives and a very beautiful but still rather basic harmony repeated over and over again#so like. not really THAT hard for a person with perfect pitch and educated in music theory and composition#still a big slay esp for a 14 y/o. but yknow. not THAT remarkable as ppl make it to be
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This was supposed to be a silly little sports anime, why are they making me so emotional tf
#it went HEAD straight into the relatability part of my god#“I want to win”#“I will never make a set I need to apologize for ever again”#“the game is not over yet”#STAHHP I WILL CRY#WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS#AUGHOUGH#I love them. so much.#I'm literally going to rip my hair out I should have watched this four years ago when my cousin was pressuring me to T_T#14 year old me was so STUPID#this could have changed the trajectory of my highschool years wtf where was my brain??#IM DOING SO ABNORMALLY WELL RIGHT NOW#IM SO GOOD#SO WELL#jay watches haikyuu#haikyuu#haikyuu.txt#SEASON 1 DONE#my plan was to pause here and catch up on demon slayer but now I don't want to hhhhggshhhhh#holy shit it's 2:17 am..
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