#made myself a 2-night reservation to go to the first AM tide of the season 👀

[withoutaconscienceorafilter]

razor clamming razor clamming razor clamming razor clamming

[elizabethrobertajones]

Dabb vs cars

Surprisingly, not the next round in my ongoing, bitter feud about his continuity problems. A "I come in peace" study on parking.

I watched 10x09 today and I did the usual OTP "aw they're so far apart" sad heart feeling at the shot of them all outside Sharkey's.

No, not Dean n Cas.

The Impala and Pimpmobile.

Anyway it got me thinking about in that moment it represented pretty well how Dean and Cas were doing with each other. Of course there isn't room to park beside Cas's car, so Dean goes and parks on the other side of the door, leaving this big gap between them, bigger because there's a parking mark thingy Cas is about to trip over before the shot abruptly ends. (I hope Misha was okay.) The cars have a clear line of sight to each other, but there's just something so unutterably sad about there being no way for them to park side by side, per Cas's parking, and Dean putting that extra space between them. (Also so they can go in the door... I'd say unobstructed but the longer I watch the gif the more I become convinced there's footage out there of Misha ruining the impression of Cas's reserved dignity...)

In the context of season 10, where Destiel was at right then was the first time they'd seen each other since 10x03, when Dean cleared his bed for Cas like, thanks for saving me from myself pls make yourself comfy, and Cas freaked out and gabbled some stuff about work and Hannah and such and told Dean to rest up, then fled the scene. Dean is pissed off Cas called for help over trying to deal with Claire (and it kind of looks like making excuses of busywork to not come home, when you flee with an apparently important mission and it turns out you're wandering around trying to earn back brownie points with your vessel's daughter, having randomly and abruptly swapped onto a personal mission without telling Dean a word of it) and in general the car placement amused me by seeming to echo how they were doing.

Being me, obviously thinking about that made me start thinking about Dabb, cars, and his old Carver era patterns. He got the one per season (two if we were lucky) Deep Emotional DeanCas Talk, to give us a real, solid moment to show how they were truly doing. 8x08, 9x10, 9x22, 10x09, and 11x10 spring to mind though obviously in other episodes he wrote with them they also still shared some pretty epic emotional moments or there were other strong Destiel things. However he is the one who gave us Cas's original car, and two of these instances are directly before the Big Talk to tide things over and give us the emotional background for later. I figured some thoughts about some notable Dabb car stuff would be a nice thing to do. After my amused nostalgia run through Carver era moments, I've included Dabb era in general and picked out some other moments.

9x10 is the start of all this, once Cas finally gets some wheels of his own. The most interesting set piece barely involves any driving, but is the first time the Impala and Continental are parked beside each other. Like, RIGHT beside. Like, Dean n Cas should be this close to each other all the time. Cas's car is a step ahead (I mean, I assume so he could get out the door). All episode Dean n Cas are a beautiful emotionally supportive unit, but Dean can't cope with this, and so he gets in his car and leaves, pulling away from the closeness he's offered from his family, the thing with the cars being exactly what he did when he walked away from them on the bridge too. I mean, that's fairly obvious, I'm just amused after I went back to look, HOW closely the two cars were parked, like they wanted Cas's car in that shot, next to Dean's, and they'd force the most unrealistic parking job ever when there's all that unused space around them, to get all the random details into the shot they needed. As a bonus, Dean had to have been the one to park the Impala so close blocking Cas's car in. Unconscious desire to be so close to him and to keep him? He's still recovering from asking him to leave.

(I know the Impala and Continental shared space in several end of season 9 episodes but not 9x22 as far as I recall in the earlier parts, and the Worst Dabb Vs Cars Fuckery Of Them All occurs in the final driving moment of that episode, just putting Cas IN the Impala for the drive home despite the fact his car ends up the Bunker at the start of 9x23... That's a symbolic gesture of what he was trying to convey in the moment of Cas sitting in the back of the car but for the sake of talking about how they park together, useless. I feel like in 9x18 it's just a reminder Cas HAS the car, and the show doesn't do anything useful with it to represent Cas...)

Onto 11x10, and honestly my favourite of Dabb's Dean n Cas chatting scenes because it's technically pretty superfluous except for the fact he really really wanted a final DeanCas chat before Cas got Casifered, and so he made one heck of a driving continuity snarl to wrangle it. Obviously Cas followed Dean's longing to his spot because how else... Anyway, he parks a long long way off. In season 11 he's feeling very distanced from Dean by his anxiety and trauma. This is the epitome of the "I came as soon as you called" behaviour, with Cas dropping everything to come help Dean, and romantic blurring into focus walk aside, the long shot shows us beautifully that Cas is hesitant to approach, and maintaining the distance with Dean. After all the season 10 and early 11 drama between them, including several rounds of mind controlled punch ups, they're fragile and miserable, and Cas's last interaction with Dean on screen was an angry and frustrating one. Cas himself bridges the distance betwen them but his car waiting off in the background suggests his reservations, and the rest of the episode spells out everything, before he chooses to do something he thinks will help move their cars closer, as it were.

Entering Dabb era proper, in 12x02 we see Cas's new truck (still with hay) and Dean pulling up to it. Obviously they've got their mission to save Sam, the jokes about Mary being brought along to chaperone their date, etc. But since the car conversation in 11x23 the ball has been in Dean's court to approach Cas, and I would assume the mythical instance of mixtape giving is somewhere between 12x01 and 12x19; the point is, here, as the first 2 episodes of season 12 in general showed (and Dean in 12x22 confirmed talking about how happy he was to have Cas and Mary back in the same breath), Dean approaches Cas, parking right behind his truck, as a symbol of the confidence and comfort they have now. They work great as a team in this part of the season, although Cas has been standing around by his lonely parked truck waiting for most of the episode up to that point, and is forced to continue standing by the truck for most of the rest of the episode.

12x12 Cas is still in the "I'll just wait here then" mode, hanging out at their designated meeting place as Sam, Dean, Mary and Wally arrive in a convoy and park on the other side of this parking lot, so he has to come to join them (Dean rotating on the spot as he does so... heh, I love that moment.) By the middle of season 12 Cas has run away to find Lucifer, echoing 10x03's parting, and also killed for them and invited cosmic consequences, and in 12x10 given a firm well-communicated emotional talk to help him feel included and loved, and yet he also leaves to search for Kelly some more, echoing other times he's gone off to do a side project and been very much on the outside. Once again he's waiting for them to catch up, and Dean seems to breeze by him - and there's so many other people with them (and part of why he left in 12x03 was to give Sam and Dean space with Mary, exclusing himself from the family). In the diner scene Cas has the whole waitress thing to deal with, with Dean acting up around so many people with conflicting needs to perform. Cas has been waiting for an incredibly long time, but if you ever needed a more firm "the ball is in your court" it's the "I love you" at the end of the episode.

12x19 also has a important "where the cars are placed" sequence, which you could really do with a whole gifset of, but of course the Impala is there because Kelly stole it, and it's been left off to the side by them; likewise Sam and Dean are left to the side by them as they drive off. Sam and Dean placed the truck before they did that and took it back (and all the stuff about Cas and Dean and fixing the truck in the episode is a whole 'nother thing)... From this angle it looks ominously like the park in which Dean found Mary, with the lights behind the trees going on - of course night has just fallen rather than the sun coming up, and Cas is driving away from the light. As Dean walked Mary into their lives, newly resurrected, Cas drives out of their lives >.> Between all the stealing cars and rushing into save Cas, the gap between them as they're parked is obvious and as a result of the circumstances. They're apart because there's too much going on, Kelly made off with Cas in the car, and Sam and Dean were helpless chasing after them. The distance and swapping around of cars and using them as part of the chaos is very effective. Cas calmly takes possesion of his truck again, freshly fixed by Dean, but drives off with Kelly. In 12x23 they steal some stock Destiel phrases to exchange, and it's touching the truck which opens the rift. I had a nose around the outdoors scenes and couldn't spot Cas's truck and the Impala even on the same side of the building, and honestly am kind of confused about where the truck went. Not, as I said, that I'm trying to continue the feud with this post. But I mean.

*clears throat*

I'm just saying he ruined the continuity in 12x01 for 12x02 by doing the exact same thing as 9x22 by just not using Cas's truck when it would make sense to take as many vehicles as they can get their hands on so they could split up... Obviously all the many set pieces to do with cars worked best/could only work if there was just the Impala but it's all style over function again... So in 12x02 to let Cas split up to help they add an extra day to let him get the truck so he can follow leads and do the legwork, and Mary and Dean end up back at the Bunker, immediately falling back into old static patterns when it would have made so much sense to just have them in a motel NEARBY instead of abandoning their hot trail on finding Sam so Mary could shower... He handed them that excuse on a platter and killed the urgency and Dean n Cas were split up all episode when they could have been at least local-ish to each other and maybe had that phonecall in person and and and... shh Lizzy

[sotatosamoa-blog]

Days 11-18

Talofa!

I have been in Samoa for 6 days and I am I finally out of the initial culture shock. Sorry I haven’t been able to update this, as internet isn’t easy to come by for my computer. For those of you who have tried, I don’t get texts via my US phone #, so don’t be offended if I haven’t answered. Use e-mail, facebook messenger or WhatsApp to reach out if you would like.

I was picked up at the airport; which is simply a security line that filters into a small baggage claim right outside again. Someone from the agency picked me up and drove me the 40 minutes to my host family and new home for the next 2 months. For Samoa standards, it’s higher level. For Minnesota standards, it’s another story.  As expected, it’s significantly hot here. We got off the plane and walked across the blacktop to the airport. Think about this, on the hottest Minnesota summer day you are walking through the parking lot and all you can feel is the excessive heat from the hot engines and you just about hold your breath until you can get away from them. Well that’s what I felt stepping off the plane next to the engine. So I walked quickly to try an get away from the plane, but then 100 yards away realized that this is indeed how Samoa all.the.time.

Anyway, I have my own room and this family built a separate building just to house students and volunteers who come through. We share a couple bathrooms between the 8ish of us. There is absolutely no air conditioning, no hot water, no laundry, and open windows with mosquito nets over them. Unfortunately it’s wet season here so rains every day, only for short periods of time. The day I arrived the water system was out in the village because of the storm the night before so it took a couple days until I could actually shower, however, since it’s so cold you make it quick. Also in the shower is when you do your laundry. You take a bucket, put a little laundry detergent in it, fill it up, put some clothes in, let it soak, then I just stomp in the bucket with my foot to try and mix it around, then in the shower you dump it out and one by one rinse it off under the water, ring the water out and then hang it up to dry. They do have clothes lines outside but you don’t use them because it rains out of nowhere constantly. So they hang in my room in front of a fan. My current issue as I write this: trying to figure out how to get the gecko out of my room. They are so quick and shifty. Fun fact: the centipedes here are 8-12 inches long. THAT I can’t handle.

Typical home in Samoa, which has no walls, is one giant room, and about 15 people live in: 

The first day or two was spent with an induction and tour of Apia, the town I am in. I met some staff members and other volunteers. I live with 2 girls from Denmark doing some things at a school and a guy from Taiwan/NZ who is also a “physio”. There is another girl from Australia arriving at the end of the week who is a physio, too, and living with us. There are two older women volunteering on their own who stay with us. This is their 3rd time here and they are from Australia. They have been best friends since they were 16 and I have to admit, they are just like hysterical, stubborn, and know-it-all grandmothers.

The boy, Junior, the family has adopted and Papa Joe, the Chief of the Village, aka my host Dad, showing me family albums for the 4th time in 24 hours, haha.:

The first weekend the Danish girls and I went to the other side of the island called Lalomanu. This is a village that got hit extremely hard in 2009 by a tsunami and still is rebuilding. Many just left and never came back, leaving only pieces of foundation that still sit there today. We stayed in a fale, which is a traditional Samoan hut right on the beach. We stayed in a small village of them with other tourists from New Zealand, Australia, Fiji, and America (Boston). We ate all meals together, relaxed on the beach, had a traditional island show at night, and also stopped by the To Sua Ocean Trench. This is the place that you see pictures of when you google what Samoa is known for. However, pictures don’t do it justice. It’s a pretty amazing natural wonder. It is connected to the ocean, which you can swim through to at low tide. You can also jump from the top of the ladder at high tide. In the Samoan heat, it just felt good to be in.

Fale:

We stopped on our way back to Apia at a couple waterfalls, but then spent the rest of our Sunday at a resort that they allow the locals to spend the day at (if you buy a drink). It was a little saving grace in an overwhelming first week...mostly because they had air conditioning inside.

The hospital I am supposed to be working at isn’t ready for me. Long story short, I am a bit frustrated about it. This is Samoan time/Island time and things do move SLOW, but I thought after being signed up for 13 months this would be set by now. So the last couple days I have spent some time at the National Rugby Training site. The professional teams are off for 2 weeks at international tournaments so right now it’s slow with reserves. Rumors are true: these guys are absolutely huge humans. Simply peer strength and power (which also means poor ROM) and are just bred for this type of sport. They have the day off tomorrow, though, so that means I do, too.

Food I have been eating: oatmeal, white rice, chicken, fish, vegetables (eggplant, green beans, lettuce) fruit (coconuts, kumquats, bananas, custard apple * the best*), and toast with jam; or what showed up this morning and made my day: Skippy peanut butter!! ...I didn’t even care it said expires January of 2017.

I have only been drinking water (besides a nia which is a coconut!), but have had trouble with dehydration. Trying to get caught up with the heat and lack of clean/safe water at times. It took a hard toll on me the last 2 days.

Hopefully once I get in the hospital I can get going on what I came here for. I am getting anxious to get going.

Miss you, Minnesota. Everyone enjoy the cool weather and warm showers for me!

*update*

Had some time to think and reflect after a few conversations (J.Boff!). Two more of my goals that I wrote down back in San Fran were:

-Seek God’s plan, letting go of any plans I had for myself. Trust that this is where he wants me to be and he has things to teach me

-be slow to frustration or anxiety

These two are exactly what I need to be focusing on at this very moment. It’s been a struggle for both but if I open my eyes a little and trust that I still came here for a reason, despite it not going the way I would hope, that there are many lessons and things to gain that I likely won’t even realize until after it’s all over. My plan is to go ahead and go all in, no matter the circumstances for 1 month, then stop again and assess where things are at and follow my heart on where I need to be going from there.

Fa’a Samoa

[mceproductions]

The Terrible Trifecta (Chapter 1)

Chapter 1                                                                                       December 30, 2004

              The local club scene in and around the greater Los Angeles area was buzzing with absolute excitement. In just a few days most residents who could would be descending upon Miami for a chance to see USC repeat as National Champions of College football. Most fans would generally wait to go down, but inside her room at Fluor Tower on the USC campus one of those fans was busy packing. The Youthful exuberance of her skin only paled in comparison to her long flowing brunette hair but, Maya Dunst however was missing something from her bag.

“Willa, where did you put the sunscreen?” May bellowed back to her oblivious roommate.

Willa then turned back and stood behind her “Its right by the tampons May” bellowing just as loud as her and knocking May to her butt.

“Willa, I know you want to come with me to Florida for the game,” May said “but how do people like Taylor and Mina manage to put up with you.”

“Maya when you’re an heiress everyone can put up with anyone”

“Yeah, like that’s supposed to be a comforting thought” May mumbled to herself as she got back up

While May loaded two pieces after two pieces into her small carryon bag 137 miles away in Norman Oklahoma someone was in a state of uneasy solitude for his trip.

“I better not be setting myself up for a disappointing trip” thought Dominic Scott as he watched a Sooners highlight show on FSN

Dominic was also heading for Miami but first he’ll make a journey to New York to see the ball drop in Times Square.

“The Guys said that the Ball Drop usually attracts around a half a million visitors each year. One of those people is bound to like me. Other than that and my visit to the Marine Park before the game, I better hope Oklahoma can do it.”

Norman had given Dom a lot of opportunities for success and the notion of the Stoop led Sooners always getting to the Title game had allowed him to visit great places. Just last year he was in New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl and after that he knows the ins and outs of traveling. He went to his closet and grabbed his favorite Sooner possession an Adrian Pederson jersey.

“I think I’m set. Now to get to sleep. I got to get up early.” thought Dom as he turned off the light and thought ahead to his trip and his chance at destiny. The Right girl is out there I know it then Blackness overcame him.

    December 31, 2004

  The fight from LA to Miami had May on edge from the get go, what didn’t help was the 2 ½ hour flight delay in Atlanta and now just as May and Willa came into Miami Dade Mays wheels were in motion.

 “Willa, you stuck up nut were goanna be late you got to move now.” She yelled back to Willa who moved at an absolute standstill. But for Willa Ford this was her pace,  as the daughter of a West Virginian tycoon, she had been allowed to travel as free as she wanted provided she kept her grades up which was easy for her because she finished high school as her class valedictorian. That gave her parents the confidence to allow her to attend school on the west coast.

“May I got to get my bags on customs hold up, and aren’t we forgetting something else?”

 The off the cuff remark from her friend did get May thinking as Willa recovered her bag and they proceeded down the terminal to the taxi depot. “What did I forget, other than my game day accessories and trip essentials I think I have everything.” May and Willa popped in a Starbucks to ponder that as there was one close to where the taxis were.

 As May and Willa were securing their way to their hotel a lopsided Dom was just getting off of his long flight in LaGuardia. He had already set up arrangements to stay at his relatives Marine Park in Miami so lodging wasn’t a problem. What was his problem involved his IPod.

“Here we go Usher,” he thought as he switched on the 2004 hit song Yeah!

Dom made his way down the terminal well all the while the New York skyline was showing in the window where there was great outside views of the traffic and airport surroundings. The nearby taxi depot also allowed him to get a first view of greater Manhattan. The attendant was shouting directions into a nearby sound system.

“I need a pickup at 415 East 71st and you can proceed directly to 107th and Park because there is a persistent no show today.”  The surrounding is showed with phones and pictures of hotel locations so that anyone who needed to can set up arrangements. Dom switched off his IPod and proceeds to the counter

 “Excuse me sir I can’t find the hotel vans for Can I get a taxi”

The attendant simply hung up the phone and explained. “The hotel shuttle vans are on the other side of the terminal; I can send a request for a private one.”

“No I don’t mind public transit thank you anyway.” Dom responded with a coy demeanor.

He walked off and headed toward the van depot, the sun was starting to touch the very top of the buildings not much longer. The van rude into Manhattan delivered some of the most excellent scenery he had ever seen. New York had always had a great shimmer of hope and optimism rising out of the darkness of the pre 9-11 way of life. Now in this vicinity Dom had hoped to make destiny his own. It was 1:45 when they shuttle arrived in the parking lot he quickly entered the lobby and went to reception. Thankfully he sis the reservation before the football season began as he knew he wanted to go to New York, no matter what Bowl Game the Sooners needed up at. After getting all settled he watched TV for about 24 minutes, it was 3:16 when Dom exited the lobby and headed out on to the Manhattan streets all set to make NYE 2004 the best night of his life.

“Look out Times Square Dominic Scott is here to Party”

 Inside their Miami hotel room May and Willa had settled in when Willa made a stark realization

 “: May what else did we come down here for, and don’t give me the Lineart crap, we need men Dunst, actual live men;”

May walked up to her and gave the pet mop off to her hair. “Dear, will I know all that but He helped me out back in August when I first arrived, even recommending the ballroom dancing class as an elective and trust me my tango has never been better, I vowed to come to this and cheer like mad for him”

Willa scuffed a small chuckle at that notion “Maya, you’re just saying that because he thinks you’re available, millions of women across the campus pour out their hearts to him and where do they all end up.”

 May Pondered that notion while asking a very important question. “Am I setting my expectations...?”

  “…expectations way to high?” Dom thought as he touched base with the clock. After a few hours of museum hopping and mall trolling Dom finally entered the perimeter of Times Square itself. The all too familiar security checkpoints were hard enough but wearing a crapload of all day gifts made it almost impossible not to drop them. The clock on the nearby table read 8:03 as he finally got through.

 “Oh Look, 2005 hats and glasses, Dom quickly picked up a half dozen of both as he fell into line with the half million in attendance. The square had reveled in New Years Eve parties before and now he was part of the next edition of that festivity.

 It was about 2 hours later when Dom was watching the end of another act on the Dick Clark Stage on the broad side of the street bar. He turned back for the beverage stand when he ran head first into a passerby. Falling flat on his rear he was dumfounded as can be.

 “Oh crap, sir is you all right.”  The woman yelped quickly but unlike what Dom was thinking happened he was quickly helped to his feet. Dom regained his composure to chew her out

 “Why the hell did you, oh…”

 Then he saw her, the girl was a beautiful college student with long flowing black hair that stretched down to her hips. A figure that matched any recent beauty pageant winner was only complimented by one of the most beautiful faces this side of Natalie Portman. Wearing an Auburn Sugar Bowl Matchup shirt he could easily tell where her alliances lied. Regaining his train of thought Dom finally mentioned what was on his mind.

 “Man you are so beautiful, has anyone ever told you that you could be a model?”

 “No really, people have said that and I brushed it off but, oh no sir, I just got out of a 3 year commitment with a guy but he went the way of the tide and in my book Navy and Orange beats Crimson and white at all costs.”

 Realizing that she was talking about the iron bowl rivalry that Auburn and Alabama had he took a chance and reached out his hand to introduce himself.

 “Hi, I’m Dominic Larry Scott, I’m from Oklahoma and you’re really beautiful.”

 She chuckled but was able to tell his seriousness and returned the favor

 “Allison Perry Monticello” One of the most sidestepped features of Allison that Dom did not notice was a small but visible line down her left middle finger, now noticing that he was looking directly at it Allison looked away and started to pull out of his body length.

 “Wait, Allie!!” Hearing that caused her to look back, “I mean ball drops in 95 minutes so you want to hang out or something.

 Allie gave him a small look of consideration and a slight nod was all that was needed “You’re sweet lets go find a good spot”

 “Don’t worry my pretty,” Dom nonchalantly grimaced someday I’m going to own this town and all the good spots will be mine but I do know one in particular

Allison was not convinced. “Mr. Scott, now where would that be?”

 Dom simply spun her and said it “Any building that you can see Yankee Stadium from”

 With that out of the way the next 90 minutes saw Dom and Allie tracing around the road blocked perimeter set up for the ball drop. Whether getting a gander at the performances on the jumbotron or sneaking into the adjacent Toys-R-Us to pick up a gift he was by all counts the perfect gentleman. What Allie saw however was a masterpiece in the years she has been out with guys never had one caught her in a relationship so quickly but she couldn’t help it there was something about him that sealed her decision to stay with him. It was 11:58 when the two found themselves as close to the tower as possible that Allie popped her big inquiry.

 “Dom, have you ever kissed anyone at midnight?”

 That was a haunting subject as he spent most NYE’s with the family he had never really been out that much. But he gave his honest answer.

 “Once but it was a peck on the cheek to my younger sis, I really don’t think she liked it at all.”

Above them as the countdown showed 100 Allison leapt in

“Well, let’s change that.”

“Wait, Allie you seriously want to kiss me I mean you’re very beautiful and everything but I just met you.”

Dom rambled on even as the clock showed 60 as the ball began to descend and the crowd began in “60, 59, 58, 57, 56, 5...”

Allie placed her finger on his mouth

“Dom, I do admit you are much better than the other guys I met in my life…”

“…7, 46, 45, 44, 43,”

“But even your friends from Norman can’t see that you have a bigger path, I do and I think I can help you with that.”  

“…4, 33, 32, 31, 30, 2…”

 “Allie, I do admit, I see us being something more, you convinced me”

 While longing each other for 2 or 3 seconds at the 15 mark they joined in with the crowd

“12, 11, 10, 9, 8,”

All around them couples were popping champagne and kisses flew as the moment reveled in excitement.

…4, 3 2, 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!”

 Above Allie and Dom the 2005 sign lit up and confetti and balloons enveloped the square while below two strangers who only met a few hours before were now engaged in what was a passionate kiss. With Auld Lane Synge over the jumbotron and fresh in everyone’s hearts, Dom knew Allison was the one. For themselves they were each others keys to the future as they took “A cup of kindness yet, for Auld Layne Synge.”

[brianjameson]

It’s 9pm and it’s 65 degrees out.

Normally it doesn’t get cold in Vegas until November, so it feels like we skipped fall and went straight to winter and it has my emotions kind of messed up.

Nick and I met in September of 2015 so the times he came to visit me or I went there, the season was already changing to winter so I would always cuddle up close to him.

It’s been a month since Nick passed away and it still kind of feels like yesterday but it kind of also feels like a year has gone by.

Grieving is the most invasive and hurtful thing to go through, especially when you’re going through it because you lost someone you really loved.

When you love someone so much and lose them, like I lost Nick, it really is devastating. Loss is hard in general but when your heart is fully invested and you lose the person who had your heart, it fucking hurts like hell. Not like it’s not supposed to but it’s a different kind of hurt. A hurt that just feels like your heart was ripped from you and stepped on.

I’m realizing there’s different levels of grief.

Every day feels like a blur.

Every week that goes by feels like it went by very quick. I can barely get a hold of myself. I can barely think. When I sing in the car sometimes I forget the words even though I’ve heard the same song over and over. I can definitely feel how this is affecting me and it’s scary but it just hurts so much every day not having him here.

I definitely have had days where I feel fine and I get through without crying but there’s triggers and when I get that trigger I break down and let out everything that had been pent up the past 2 days or however many days that went by without me crying.

I used to tell myself I couldn’t imagine living without him, hell we even did a suicide prevention walk and yet here I am having to try and having to learn how to live again.

I ordered 2 necklaces to put his ashes in just to feel close to him and find myself wearing the baseball one the most. He loved baseball and sometimes I remember coming home and he would be blaring it so loud I could hear it before I even walked into the house lol.

I’ll also wear some of his T-shirts that he never wore that I gave him. I found an Eleven Paris Star Wars shirt in his drawer that he never wore! So I took that shit and wear it to sleep now.

I have no idea if I’m grieving correctly or if I’m just hurting myself more

but

I’m finding myself going places we used to go to together just to find comfort in being there and thinking of all the things we did. It makes me cry every time I do it but I feel almost like it helps me get more closure when I do it because it hurts enough to make me stop and appreciate the good times and just try to move on. It’s my way of trying to normalize life again and be able to go to these places we went to and not cry so much but again, to just remember the good times and laugh and appreciate/honor his memory.. It’s extremely difficult and hard to do but I need this pain to hurt me so bad that I can begin to rebuild myself and come back to Brian because I do not feel like Brian at allllll.

I’ll be posting a lot more about the places we went to and the things we did together. I want to write and try to talk about this entire situation for what it is in detail because I hope if there’s anyone out there grieving, that these posts and words will help.

The only way I can describe how I’m feeling is like being violated.

The pain comes in so invasively and randomly and leaves me feeling so empty, lonely, used and abused and just feeling without hope. I try and try to push the pain out of my mind but it’s almost impossible once it starts and as much as I try to stop it it just keeps hurting me and I just keep wishing it would stop.

I tend to bounce back and remind myself often than not that he was in a lot of pain but it still doesn’t make it any better.. I still walk into the bedroom and just cannot believe that he’s gone. I really can’t. The house being so quite alone freaks me out and makes me think about him and cry because I would always come home to the TV on and him either cooking or watching TV waiting for me to get home and welcome me with a hug and kiss..

Wednesday October 10th, 2018

I went with my mom to go pick up my rental. It was the night before the memorial and I was going to drive at night but I could not sleep and still can’t unless I’ve taken my Xanax from all the anxiety that piles up in the day. The only place really open late to rent a car is the airport so I went to pick it up.

It didn’t register to me until I went but Nick used to work at this Hertz back when we first moved in together. It was a seasonal position but he worked really long days and I drove past the same area where I would pick him up from work..

I walked up the stairs to the car lot where the rentals were and Hertz does this thing now where they leave the car keys in the car and you just get the car you want and check out on your way out. It’s way quick.

I originally reserved a Dodge Dart just because I’m familiar with Dodges and the problems that can happen with them since I drive an Avenger.

So I’m looking for it and the guy told me I could pick ANY car from this lot so I’m looking around and see 2 dodge challengers that I remembered we had taken up to Mammoth Lake when my best friend Kayla got married. I looked the other way and there was the one and only convertible Chevy Camaro! I wasted no time and took the Camaro. I remember I would ask Nick what his dream car was, affordable and non affordable and he was so simple, he would just say he wanted a truck lol. I was like BABE I WANT A BENTLEY OR A LAMBORGHINI etc etc. But for an affordable car I would tell him I wanted a Camaro and wanted to deck it out like Batman’s car! I just felt like that was him there for sure telling me BABY GET IN! The car was all alone. No cars around it and doubles of every other car. This Camaro just so happened to have California plates too! I was driving that shit with the top down in no time! Driving and beating it up like I stole it lol.

Thursday October 11th, 2018

I drove out for the memorial early in the morning and didn’t get into town until about 3pm. I got ready and

The turn out for Nicks memorial was amazing. His family was only expecting about 80 people if that and it was well over 100 people that showed up. I didn’t take any photos with people or of the memorial because I felt like it wasn’t really appropriate.

His family was so happy as was I. Nick really did have so many people that loved him.

  I presented my speech that I shared with you all and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to read in front of people but I also felt myself come alive a little and joke with everyone because I really wanted it to be uplifting and not all sad.

Here’s the link in case you haven’t read it yet and would like to

Everyone seemed to have enjoyed it and I even had some people he knew come up to me telling me that I’ve changed them and changed their heart and it gave me joy because that’s what we’re all here to do, to help other people realize things and to just spread love and understanding to people who might not understand. I feel like the message got across to a lot of people that might not understand things or understand what it’s like being gay and in a relationship in general. Most importantly, I was happy that people saw how much we loved each other and how special our love was that we had because it was the biggest message I had for everyone.

Friday October 12th, 2018

This was the day after the memorial.

I had a plan when going to California that I was going to go to LA at least twice to visit friends and family but because of the circumstances I was under I just felt like planning was not the right idea and I was sooooo tired this day. I slept most of the day and when I woke up I had some coffee with Nicks dad and talked to his mom more about everything and we watched a few home videos of him as a kid and I just couldn’t keep watching, it was tearing my entire being apart seeing how adorable he was as a kid and just knowing he isn’t here anymore. I couldn’t do it. I decided to just take the rest of the day slow and just relax. We went to dinner that night with his parents and just chatted a bit about some of the things Nick would do and I just really felt like he was around. It just broke my heart a little because I know his family is really struggling with this and I just couldn’t imagine living with knowing my child passed away.

So instead of going to LA I decided to just be home with his family as much as possible to just try and be there for them as much as I can.

Saturday October 13th, 2018

I went to Santa Monica beach to see the sunset and walk around at night. I wanted to be alone for this moment and appreciate the time we spent at the beach when we went back in 2015. I got there around 5pm in time for the sunset. I was afraid it was going to rain because of how overcast it was but it didn’t instead the clouds made the sunset look even more beautiful.

Parking was a fucking shit show. All the hotels were the only ones really offering parking and there were a shit ton of people walking around. I remembered why I get so much anxiety driving in LA.

I dressed in the clothes I used to wear when we went to the pools. It was pretty cold and everyone was in at least jeans and a T-shirt and light jacket but I didn’t care I wanted to dress up.

I pulled out my head phones and listened to music as I saw each wave come in and leave.

There’s signs and things everywhere that allow you to be able to apply how you’re feeling and find peace, you just have to look for those things you can relate to.

For me this calling was the ocean.

For some reason I just felt like the beach is where I needed to go and needed to be. I’m glad I went because I’ve never felt so close to water before..

I would watch as each tide came in and put ridges and cracks in the sand and leave the surface looking jagged but then the tides would come back and smooth the surface again. There were waves rolling in small and some were big and at that moment I felt my emotions so closely related to the water and shore. There’s times my emotions roll in like tides, sometimes a little bit and sometimes really strong. Sometimes my shore feels jagged from the pain I feel but after awhile things smooth out and the shore looks smooth until the next tide comes in and ruins the surface again.

The sunset was the most breathtaking thing I had ever seen. I’ve never seen one so nice or in general at the beach.

  I stood there crying because it was one of the very first places Nick and I went to when we first met. Walking the beach at night with someone I loved was something I always wanted to do and I’m lucky I was able to do that with him around the time we met. My best friend Meagan was with us that night and she was behind us taking our photos because she knew how happy I was and wanted to capture every moment. I really fell fast for Nick. When we first met, our chemistry was so magnetic. I instantly liked him and he instantly liked me and since we felt so comfortable with each other, it was easy to jump into things as fast as we did.

I looked around and saw tons of couples together and kissing and I almost felt bitter about it.. I’ve never not been happy for other people but seeing so many people doing what we did and me feeling left out just really upset me. I’m sure I’ll get past that feeling but everything is just so fresh and my emotions are running way high with everything.

  Sunday October 14th, 2018

It was my last day in town and I wanted to go to the ice cream shop we would always go to when we would go back to Bakersfield to visit his family. The place is called Dewars and it’s some of the best ice cream I’ve ever had.

So I filled up my gas tank at Costco and headed straight to Dewars before hitting the road.

It was the busiest I had ever seen it honestly. Normally when Nick and I would go it would be like 2 other people but almost the entire place was packed. I sat at the very end of the bar area where we would sit and I had oreo cookie and cookie dough ice cream and just reflected back on the times we went there. There were some emotions but again I just felt close to him since we had been there together.

I had to return my rental by 11pm and it was now 6pm when I finally got on the road, so I needed to kind of be quick getting home because I wanted to stop by Peggy Sues 50’s diner. I’ve never been there but ever since I bought my car and would drive to California, I’d always see the signs but never stopped by because of one reason or another. I was determined to go and it was the cutest restaurant I’ve ever been to.

I couldn’t help but walk around and take photos of everything. The place was huge and there was memorabilia EVERYWHERE

Ever since Nick passed away I always get these images in my head of him randomly or I’ll feel like he’s in the same room with me when I’m alone. It’s times that this happens that I know he’s around. As I sat there eating my burger (which I don’t eat meat but I was this weekend so fuck it) I had the strangest feeling that he and Joey were there with me having dinner. I went around and took photos and just enjoyed my last night in town before returning back to Vegas. I got back in just in time for the rental to be dropped off.

I’m not sure if I’m becoming more sensitive to spirituality or whatever it is out there but I definitely feel like this situation has changed me. I’m a lot more patient with things and don’t stress about dumb shit as much anymore. I’m normally the type of person who needs to fix something right away but recently I’ve just said screw it all. Things will always work out and it’s pointless to always be stressed or worried.

It sucks that sometimes it takes someone passing away for you to change or realize how you’re acting or to see the way you’re living and seeing that maybe half of it is wrong and that you need to change. If Nick wouldn’t have passed away I probably wouldn’t be doing half of what I do now…

I find myself asking for receipts to everything to cover my ass for any reason down the road. I’ll take photos of things in order to remember what I know I’ll forget. I’ll write things down on sticky notes or on a notepad so that I don’t forget what I need to do. I’ll ask more questions than anything. He would do all these things and it just showed me how proactive he was and how much I grew with him to carry on these same habits of his.

To end this post I want everyone reading this to text a loved one, family or friend and just tell them you love them and how much you appreciate them for such and such reason. This is one thing I’m glad I did with Nick all the time because there is not a doubt in my mind that I didn’t say it enough.. Appreciate the people you have and let them know you love them because we are all on borrowed time and are not promised tomorrow.

I love you all

♥

Invasive Emotions It's 9pm and it's 65 degrees out. Normally it doesn't get cold in Vegas until November, so it feels like we skipped fall and went straight to winter and it has my emotions kind of messed up.