#luckily my breathing episodes no longer cause me to panic

[doctor-disc0]

I have vocal cord dysfunction. I look up vocal cord dysfunction exercises because I can't breathe. All of them start with something like "breathe in your through your nose" and I'm like bruh

[excelsi-or]

just a little sweeter (pt. 11)

Double post today! Enjoy parts 10 & 11 :) 

BIPOC rec: I’ve recently read The Gilded Wolves by Roshani Chokshi. I don’t want to spoil anything. It’s excellent. The writing is detailed and amazing. It’s set in Paris in like the 1800s with magic and fun and a heist. It’s the first of a trilogy and the second one came out this year. I can’t wait to read it.

w.c. 2.1k (fluff, brief angst but it’s over pretty quick)

pt.1; pt.2; pt.3; pt.4; pt.5; pt.6; pt.7; pt.8; pt. 9; pt. 10

“You need to tell her.”

“Tell her what?” Jihoon demands. His eyes are going over the brief of the meeting. He cannot believe that it was brought up in front of everyone, making it everyone’s problem.

“That there’s evidence to out you guys,” Jeonghan says. “She deserves to know. Even though you already made your decision on the matter extremely clear.”

“The company’s buying the photos,” Jihoon points out.

“But there’s a possibility that they’ll make the decision to put the photos out anyway,” Jeonghan reminds him. “Seriously. Just to be a good boyfriend, mention it to her.”

Jihoon frowns, but tries to rearrange his expression into something else when he sees Eunha running down the hallway. She grabs his hand and pulls him back to the studio where she’d been colouring during the meeting. He ends the phone call of the phone on the table and sits down on the floor next to her things. Eunha begins walking him through a bear story, something akin to the Blue’s Clues episode they had watched. He had stumbled upon the show on YouTube and Eunha had taken a liking to it. While most of it is in English and he really only understands 60% of it, Eunha sings along to the songs and seems to know what’s going on.

Enough to give him a similar story anyway with a bear and ant as the lead characters.

The phone in his pocket starts singing the FaceTime ring tone. Eunha’s eyes widen and she climbs into his lap, immediately assuming it will be someone she knows. When he pulls the phone out, he helps Eunha sound out the name.

“Hey,” Jihoon says.

His second favourite smile in the world smiles back at him. “Hey.” She waves at Eunha. “Hi kiddo.”

Eunha holds the phone with both hands so she can put her face as close to the camera as she can. “Hello!”

“What’s up?” Jihoon asks, chuckling at his baby’s antics.

“Jeonghan oppa sent me a text telling me to call you when I had a chance.”

Jihoon restrains himself from rolling his eyes. Jeonghan isn’t usually one to meddle too much; that’s usually Seungkwan. Yet here he is. Meddling. “Yeah…”

“Is something wrong?”

“No.” He pauses. “Well, not really.” He glances at Eunha in the screen. “Can you hold on for one second?”

She glances up at something past the phone, probably an employee. “Sure.”

Jihoon puts the phone down and scoops Eunha up. “You’re going to play with Uncle Soonyoung for a little while, okay? Say goodbye.”

Eunha calls her goodbye and waves.

“Bye kiddo!”

Jihoon starts to walk out the door.

“Can I bring my colours?”

“Of course you can.” Jihoon goes back and picks up her things. “Hold this for me, okay?” He hands her the notebook, so he can hold the crayon box and juice box. Then he takes her to the practice room. Some of the members have a television shooting, which is likely why Jeonghan sent the message to her at all. Jihoon won’t be able to chew him out until later.

Luckily, Minghao and Jun are in the practice room. They’re going over choreography for the upcoming concerts. He doesn’t even bother to ask where Soonyoung is.

Jihoon sets Eunha down at the front of the room and looks between the two men. “Can you just watch her for a couple minutes? I have to take a phone call.”

Minghao smiles. “Yeah, sure, hyung.”

Jun is already squatting down next to her and asking about her art.

Jihoon hurries back to the phone. She’s humming as she types on her computer. He recognizes the tapping of the keys. “Hey.”

The sound slows before she turns back to him. “Give me one more second.”

“Sure.”

Jihoon sits in his chair and then hears the audible whoosh of her email being sent. She leans into the camera, smiling. “Alright, I’m all yours. What’s up?”

“Jeonghanie hyung wanted me to talk to you about the meeting we had this morning.”

Her brow furrows slightly. “That seems kind of random, but okay. I’m listening.”

“It had something to do with you?”

“Me?” Her furrowed brow turns into a frown. “What about me?”

He clears his throat. “Apparently, there was a reporter following me and they happened to get a picture of us on our date last week.” He watches her eyes begin to widen in panic, so he attempts to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible. “But the meeting was about whether I wanted them posted. Sometimes they come through the company before photos get posted like that. Obviously, I said that it wasn’t me and that even if it were, I didn’t want the world to know. Jeonghan hyung just thought that you should know they exist and that it isn’t in my control if they get posted.”

Her expression is the epitome of shock. She stares blankly at the screen, as if she’s still processing all his words.

“Please say something.”

Her eyes close and she begins to speak, her voice coming out strangled. That’s not good. “So, you’re saying that photos that you don’t own of us are floating around in the ether and that you can’t control whether they get posted or not?”

“The company is trying to buy some of the photos off them, but who knows how many they have? Or if there are any that look exactly like me.”

“How much control do we get over them?”

“Well, honestly, not much control. If we get seen together more often and whatnot.”

She takes a deep breath. “So, I can’t go out with my boyfriend anymore, because I have to worry about people with cameras following him around?”

Jihoon’s hand fiddles with his ear. “Maybe.”

“I already have to worry about hiding my face when we have Eunha with us. Now I have to worry about just being with you in public?”

Jihoon can feel his heart sinking. “Yeah.”

“I—” Jihoon hears someone call her name. “I’ll be right there,” she responds. The door closes and she looks back at the screen, completely bewildered. “I… I need to think about this. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.” She hangs up before he can say anything. He stares at his lock screen. It’s a photo of her and Eunha drawing in the apartment. She was teaching Eunha how to draw a bear.

He quickly sends off angry messages to Jeonghan before going back to the practice room to pick up Eunha. He peers into the room and can see her contentedly drawing while Jun and Minghao practice. He decides that maybe he can stew in his confusion and anger a little while longer alone in the studio.

“Has she called you back?” Jeonghan asks that night.

The members caught him just as he was about to take Eunha home and they offered dinner at the dorms. She’s busy playing with Seungkwan and Soonyoung in the living room, so Jihoon doesn’t mind sounding pissed off.

“No. She hasn’t. And if you hadn’t told her that there was something I needed to say, she probably wouldn’t be mad right now.”

Jeonghan rolls his eyes. “She deserves to know the consequences of dating you.”

“I think the ‘biggest consequence’ of dating me is sitting in the living room right now.”

A soft voice and a tug on his sweatpants pull his attention away. Jihoon looks down and sees the hurt expression on Eunha’s face, though she doesn’t acknowledge it. “Uncle Seungkwan and Uncle Soonyoung want to know when dinner is ready.”

Jihoon takes a deep breath and squats down in front of her. “It’ll be done soon, okay?”

She spins on her heel and scampers out of the kitchen. Jihoon glares back at Jeonghan.

“You have a tiny daughter! I didn’t see her come in!” Jeonghan exclaims.

Mingyu, the one actually doing all the cooking, glances over his shoulder. “I think you need to apologize and explain to both the girls in your life what’s going on, hyung.”

“Since when did you get so enlightened?” Jihoon grumbles.

When he puts Eunha to bed that evening, he sits cross-legged on the floor next to the bed. “Hi, little one.”

She pouts and stares at him. Her little arms are wrapped tightly around a bunny plushie Chan had gotten her for her birthday.

Jihoon runs a hand through her hair. “Did you hear me when I was talking to Uncle Hannie?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Ah. Okay.”

“But…” Her pout deepens. “It was mean.”

Jihoon holds his breath. “I didn’t mean what I said. Even if you didn’t understand, I shouldn’t have said those things.” He leans forward to kiss her forehead. “I’m sorry.”

Her voice softens. “Do you not like me anymore?”

God, he hates that Soonyoung taught her that phrase. The man says it so much around Jihoon, he should have known his intelligent child would learn how to use it.

“That’s not it.” He doesn’t know how to explain his feelings to her in a way she’ll understand. She’s using her entire vocabulary already by having this conversation. Jihoon rests his chin on the bed. “Life’s just hard.”

“‘Cause of me?”

“No. Not because of you.” He pecks her forehead again, and runs a hand over her head. “Never because of you.”

Eunha asks if it’s because of his girlfriend.

“Not because of her either. It’s all because of daddy. This is my fault.”

“Why?”

“It’s complicated. Is that okay?”

Eunha doesn’t know what complicated means, but she seems to accept his answer, because she snuggles beneath the covers.

He gets to his feet and gives her one more kiss. “I’m sorry again. I love you.”

“Love you,” she mumbles, already falling asleep.

Jihoon leaves the door open a crack. The actual baby monitor is on next to her. He makes sure that he can hear her breathing then he plops himself on the couch and stares at his phone. He debates calling, wondering if she’d call when she’s ready. It’s been at least twelve hours. She should be going to bed soon and they did agree to video chat tonight.

He doesn’t have to wonder too long, because she calls him instead.

Jihoon answers in a second.

“That was fast,” she mutters. “Thought I’d have a few more rings to pull myself together.”

She’s sat in bed. The only light coming from her phone screen.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

There’s a long bout of silence he doesn’t know how to fill.

“How mad are you?” he finally asks.

“Not mad,” she clarifies. She must see the skepticism on his face. “Seriously, Jihoon, I’m not.”

“So why haven’t you talked to me all day?”

She tips her head back with a groan of frustration. “Because it’s hard to process what you told me this morning.” She meets his gaze. “There are so many rules. I don’t…” She shakes her head. “You’re high maintenance.”

He gets the jab. “Am I so high maintenance that this is over?”

“I don’t know.” She sighs. “I only get to see you in person a few times a month, and only once a month with just the two of us. Now we’re limited to staying in, because people are actually stalking you.”

Jihoon doesn’t mention that there was always the risk of people following them. “So, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. You can’t do anything about it. It’s not your fault you’re in a famous idol group and have a daughter. I knew that you came with those things when we started dating. I just… I didn’t realize how much of my life would have to change because of it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well…” She runs a hand through her hair and flips it. Jihoon loves when she does that, though he’s never told her. “I thought that I could keep it separate. My own life and then whatever our life together is. And I can, but when people in my life ask me about who I’m dating, what I’m up to, I’m so limited as to what I can say. Only my mom and Soobin know that we’re dating and that you even have a child. Everyone else thinks that I have an elusive boyfriend who doesn’t want to meet them.

“I just didn’t realize that when we got together that there would be a huge part of my life that I’d have to hide.”

Listening to her talk about it this way makes him wonder if it’s worth it for her. She sounds so discouraged with him and their situation. But she’s right; he can’t do anything about it. This is his life. But it doesn’t have to be hers.

Before he can even think about how to broach the topic of breaking up, she says, “But I adore you and I adore Eunha. I want this to work.”

Jihoon lifts an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah, really. As of right now, I want to work through this with you.”

“Do you… want to come over?”

She glances down at her pajamas. “I’m in bed right now.”

“Come over and cuddle?”

Her eyebrows rise. “Tempting.”

“Come over, cuddle and watch Avengers?”

She laughs. “Give me 10.”

[merakiaes]

Deep Breaths - Finn Shelby

Pairing: Finn Shelby x reader

Requested: Yes. 

Prompts: None.

Warnings/notes: This is a bit short and probably really shitty, I’m sorry. It’s been a while since I last had a panic attack so it was hard to put words on the process but this is usually what I do to calm down from a panic attack. 

Wordcount: 1838

Summary: John and Arthur come to you for help when Finn has a panic attack and they don’t know what to do.

You hadn’t seen Finn nor his family in a week, which was the longest you had gone without being with them since you met them for the first time.

The cause of this? The stress of having taken on a bigger responsibility and part of the family business had finally gotten to Finn, causing him to lash out on you when you had been trying to get him to take it easier.

You understood the nature and cause of his reaction and tried telling him so, but your understanding and supportive attitude had only caused him to lash out further, and you had given up, deciding just to let him be until he had calmed down.

You had expected him to last a day at most, as that was the amount of time you would have made it without him, but he hadn’t reached out in a week.

Polly and Tommy had been checking in on you once a day to make sure you were alright, because despite you only being their brother’s girlfriend, you were family and they didn’t want you to get hurt.

But no Finn.

You were certain Polly and his brothers had yelled at him at least once for pushing you away, but he was stubborn. Even more so than his brothers. On second thought, they were probably the reason he was so stubborn in the first place.

He was so determined to prove his worth to them that he ignored literally everything else. Including you, apparently.

It made you sad, of course. You hated being away from him and it hurt you that he could ignore you so easily. But at the same time, you knew how he thought and knew he would come back sooner or later. He always did.

You were currently on your way home from having visited your grandma in London for the day. You had just made it back to Small Heath and was walking down Watery Lane in the direction of your house.

As your focus was on looking through your bag for your key, you were close to bumping into people on several occasions, but luckily made it through the street without any accidents.

You found your key just as you were about to reach your house, but instead of being met with nothing upon looking back up, you were met with John and Arthur banging on your front door, yelling out your name.

Panic instantly settled in the pit of your stomach, your mind instantly going to Finn and that something might have happened to him.

With your heart doing volts in your heart, you quickened your pace, the key in your hand falling back into the bag.

“Arthur? John? What’s going on?” You called out as you came closer, and they instantly stopped banging at your door at the sound of your voice, their attention turning to you.

“Oh, thank fuck.” John breathed out while Arthur wore an expression of pure panic.

“Fookin’ hell!” He cursed as they walked to meet you halfway, taking you under his arm. “I thought something happened to ya. Where the hell ‘ave ya been?”

“I went to visit my grandmother. I told Polly yesterday.” You told them, hugging Arthur back before letting go.

John chewed on his toothpick. “Well, she failed to mention it.”

You gave them a confused look and let out an impatient sigh. “What’s going on? Is Finn alright?”

They shared a look and John shook his head. “No.” He said, but quickly corrected himself when he saw the look of panic striking your face. “I mean, he’s alive. But he’s having one of those episodes again and we can’t get through to him.”

“Episode?” You muttered, having to think for a minute to know what they were talking about. “You mean a panic attack?”

“Aye.” Arthur confirmed. “We know you haven’t talked in a while but Tommy sent us to get ya.”

His words fell to deaf ears. You instantly started walking, giving them an annoyed look. “Well, why didn’t you just say so in the first place. Come on.”

They didn’t say anything else, just walking on either side of you as you crossed the street and headed off towards the Shelby household.

You reached your destination within the next two minutes and you wasted no time in heading inside, abandoning your bag at the door and venturing into the house.

“Tommy?” You yelled out.

“In here!” Came his response only a second later, and you instantly followed his voice into the living room, spotting him sitting in front of Finn right by the fireplace, Isaiah and Polly standing by.

Finn was breathing heavily, sitting with his back pressed against the wall and his legs pulled to his chest, his hands clawing at his chest while Tommy sat with his hands on either side of his face, trying to maintain eye-contact like you had taught him to do the last time this happened.

“Relax! Just think happy thoughts!” Isaiah said from where he stood, throwing his arms out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Judging by the way his breathing only got heavier and more ragged at Isaiah’s words, you guessed this had probably been going on a while, and it instantly brought a glare to your face.

You shoved Isaiah out of the way carelessly as you passed him, announcing your entrance.

“Oh, move over, you brute. You’re only making it worse.” You scoffed at him in distaste, getting an offended look in return.

“I’m only trying to help.”

“Yeah, well-” You started as you reached Tommy and Finn. “You’re not doing a very good job. A person having a panic attack is feeling real life threatening fear. It is a response that is out of their control. If it was as easy as just ‘relaxing’, he would’ve calmed down a long time ago.”

You knew you couldn’t really blame Isaiah for not knowing how to handle the situation as he hadn’t been in it enough times to be familiar with it, but it still annoyed you.

In situations like these, the trick was to not tell him to calm down, but rather make him calm down. When Finn, or anyone for that matter, entered this kind of state of mind, they lost perception of reality. You had to bring them back to their senses by making them aware of their surroundings, not telling them to relax.

Tommy finally let go of Finn’s face upon your arrival and moved out of the way, letting you take his place in front of Finn.

His head fell back into the wall when his face was no longer being held, his eyes squeezing shut and the brim lining with tears escaping to fall.

You wasted no time in grabbing his shoulders, starting to massage the tense muscles to make him relax while Tommy ushered everyone else out of the room to give you some privacy.

“(Y/N).” Finn managed to get out through ragged breaths, his voice sounding as if he was in actual physical pain, and with the way he was clutching his chest, he probably was.

“Yeah, I’m here.” You reassured him, continuing to rub his shoulder with one of your hands while you brought the other to his hand at the floor, starting to wriggle his fingers – a trick you’d taught yourself during one of your own panic attacks to help get yourself back to reality.

“I feel like I’m having a heart attack.” He kept crying, his chest rising and falling with quick and violent motions.

“You’re not.” You assured him, continuing to wriggle his fingers and rub his shoulder. “You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this situation before. It’s only temporary. You’ve done it before, you can do it again.”

His fingers were icy cold and sweaty under your touch, and his hair and face were lined with a thin layer of sweat as well.

His entire body was trembling and shaking, and you could feel his heartbeat as you squeezed his shoulder.

His hand suddenly clamped around yours, squeezing your fingers tightly, and you let him do so while moving your other hand down from his shoulder and to the hand at his chest, forcing it down to the floor.

“Take a few deep breaths with me, yeah?” You asked him, and he nodded his head faintly.

You breathed in loudly so that he would be able to match your breaths. When he did so, you held it for a few seconds, before slowly breathing out again, Finn doing the same with slightly shakier breaths.

After repeating a few times, you moved forward and grabbed a hold of his face like Tommy had been doing when you first arrived, leaning your forehead against his and caressing his cheek.

“What do you hear?” You asked, beginning the process of grounding him that you had been through so many times before, and waited patiently for him to listen and answer.

After a few short, ragged breaths, he finally opened his lips.

“The crackling of the fire. The- the clock.” He answered shakily, and you nodded your head against his approvingly.

“What do you smell?”

He took another deep breath. “Burnt firewood. Cigarettes. Your perfume; cherries and apples.”

You smiled softly as you felt the shaking of his body dying down into a mere tremble, feeling the grip he held on your hand getting looser and looser by the second.

“And open your eyes.” You instructed him. “Look around, what do you see?”

He took another few breaths before opening his eyes, having to blink slightly to be able to see through the tears he had cried.

You looked at him, waiting for him to come back to his senses and do as told, but instead of looking around, he just looked straight into your eyes, still breathing heavily but a lot less ragged as he answered. “You.”

Bringing your thumb up to his eyes to dry the underside of them, you gazed on his face, nodding your head in encouragement. “What about me?”

Your eyes went back to meet his, and he stared intently at you, his hands now slowly coming up to rest on top of yours that were still holding his face. “Your eyes.” He started, slightly out of breath but now breathing normally. “Your freckles. Your lips. The scar above your eyebrow.”

“Good.” You praised him, pressing your forehead closer to his and closing your eyes as you smiled, proud that he had been able to pull himself back to reality.

He pushed his back away from the wall and you took him into your arms, letting him bury his face in your neck and hug you tightly as he slowly caught his breath, his body still trembling slightly.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled into your skin.

“It’s okay.” You whispered back, holding him close and letting him calm down in your arms. “I’m here. Just breathe. Deep breaths.”

[elysiashelby]

In Another World - T. Shelby Imagine Ch. 3.2

Paring: (Eventual) Thomas Shelby x Aliena Welsh (OC)

Fandom: Peaky Blinders

Word Count: 3, 449

WARNINGS: Cursing, Depictions of PTSD panic attacks, Hints of Self-Harm

Summary: Aliena Welsh has been living in the universe of the show Peaky Blinders for 7 months now. She’s beginning to heal after the incident, but when she hears Arthur having troubles while sleeping- she can’t help but intervene. How will the rest of the family take it? Will she listen?

MASTERLIST  CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER 3.3

A/N: This chapter and 3.3 are both considered extras. You can move onto chapter 4 without really reading them. I honestly wrote chapter 4 before 3.2 and 3.3. So, that will explain why Ch. 4 is a little different. THANKS FOR READING!

                Month 7 with The Shelby's 

It's been a month since the incident. We don't really talk of it and it's better that way. If I got one thing good out of it, it's that Tommy now trusted me. He trusted me with a lot. 

I was in charge of teaching the kids how to read and write. That included Finn which diverges from the original plotline 'cause Finn wasn't supposed to know how to read. He's a good lad, though. He really wants to impress Tommy. 

I did the groceries for everyone, but I doubt that I’m gonna be doin’ it for John much longer. I caught him and Lizzie Stark making out outside of the house. 

Anyway, I finally got a hang of UK currency. And Tommy told me that at the beginning of next year, I'll be expected to collect the money from some of the shops. It was gonna be family owned stores, nothing that would put me in danger. 

I was glad that I was trusted so much. It just solidified me routine even more. I trusted Polly the most though, especially after that night. Whenever we had a chance to just relax, she would always style me hair. It was really boss. 

It was nighttime and I was having some trouble sleeping. I discovered that this body had more talent that I originally had back home. See for some reason this body could draw. I can't explain it. But I can just draw whatever I like now. Before, I was just a really good storyteller. Mind you, the only affirmations I had were from family and friends. So, I never knew if me writing was actually any good. 

I was trying to draw a red spider lily flower. I bought some colours with me money. 

So, it was going just fine even though I was supposed to be asleep. That was until I heard a big bang. I jumped at the sound and I slowly got up from me chair. There was another bang. It was so stupid of me! What the hell was I going to do about it, right? So, why the hell did I decide I was gonna check it out?

I put on a robe and walked into the hallway. I followed the banging sounds and found it was coming from Arthur's room. I inched towards his door and slowly opened it. 

Arthur was thrashing around. The banging sound was actually him punching the wall from time to time. 

I remember that I read something about helping people with a PTSD attack, but it's not coming to me! 

So, I just rushed to him, grabbed him, and started to tell him he was alright. But instead, I triggered him. His eyes flew open and his hands wrapped around me neck. He rolled us onto the floor and his body hovered over me. It was hurting a lot and I couldn't breath. 

He kept screaming 'No!' 

I tried to peel off his hands, but immediately realized that wasn't going to work. I unwrapped me hands around his wrists and placed them on his face. I used me thumbs as I was slowly caressing him. He flinched but looked back down as I called out to him. Me voice was extremely hoarse and strained. I tried to smile at him. I tried giving him a very sweet, non-threatening smile. 

I saw the exact moment he realized this wasn't his dream anymore. He gasped for air like it was him who was being choked out. 

"Aliena?" He shouted. 

Arthur practically launched himself off of me and huddled into a corner. 

"What are ya doin' 'ere? Huh? What the fuck are you doin' in 'ere!"

I rolled over to me side and started coughing harshly. 

"You… You were punching the wall. I just wanted to help you."

"I coulda killed ya! I coulda-!"

"But you didn't. It's alright now." I shuffled closer to him, but I made sure not to reach out to him. 

He had his knees pulled to his chest. He just looked overall vulnerable which I hadn’t seen before. I've seen it in the show, but he hadn't shown me firsthand yet. He was crying so much. 

I just felt so bad that I stood on me knees and held open me arms. He looked at me up and down before going straight into me arms. I stroked his back vertically while combing his hair out of his face. I even started rocking us back and forth after a while. 

He sobbed into me stomach. We stayed like that 'til he calmed down. He separated us and looked up at me. 

"Is your neck alright?" His fingernails ran over me neck. 

I had to bite my lip to control the twitch that wanted to happen. I smiled as I whispered. "Yes, I'll be fine. Will you be? For tonight, I mean."

He nodded. We both got up and he really did tower over me. He hugged me again and it was my turn to be suffocated (again). I found that he was perhaps an inch or two taller than Tommy. I separated us after a while. He sat down on his bed and I bid him goodnight. 

I was barely out the door when I was given my 3rd scare of the night. Me hand flew to me chest as I saw Tommy leaning against me door. 

We met each other and he immediately started to inspect me throat. 

"'m fine, ya know. Hardly even hurts." 

Tommy raised an eyebrow. "That's a fucking lie 'n you know it. C'mon, we need to get it iced before it gets noticeable." 

He tugged me downstairs and we iced me forming bruises. I was really just sitting there. He was the one that did all the work. 

He sighed before speaking. "You shouldn't have done that, you know? His fits aren't gonna go away."

I looked away. "I approached him the wrong way is all. His fits won't go away, but I can teach him how to deal with them."

Tommy leaned back with a scoff. His smile was tight. He rubbed his chin while shaking his head. 

‘He didn't like what I just said.’ 

"You think you can cure us of what we have, eh, Aliena?" He asked. His tone, it was scary. I knew he was trying to scold me. 

"No. No, I can't do that. That's up to you and Arthur. And even youse can't fully cure yourselves. It's just not gonna be possible. But, you both can learn to deal with it."

"We are-!"

"In healthy ways, Thomas! It's not healthy to be drinking that much, either of youse! You can get alcohol poisoning or fuck! You'll both damage everything in your bodies. Your mouth, esophagus, pancreas, brain! Your fucking brain, Tommy! Liver-!"

"Enough!" He yelled while slamming his hand down on the table. 

I jumped and cowered. He yelled at me. I felt me eyes sting and the tears were  blurring me vision. 

"Don't yell at me… " I didn't even let him say anything else. I got up from the chair and ran to my room. I didn't want him to see me cry. 

When I woke up the next morning, I checked me neck in the mirror and sure enough, I had light handprint bruises. I ran me fingers around me eyes, exhaustedly. 

‘I can already tell this day is not gonna be good...’

I waved me hands ‘round before deciding to stop spazzing out. I began to get ready for the day. I looked through me collection of dresses and luckily, Polly had the good sense to buy me a dress that was a turtleneck. 

I did me hair in a bun like Polly taught me, put on me boots, then headed downstairs. I had to start on breakfast. 

When I rounded to the kitchen, I was only half surprised when I saw Polly standing there looking at me, expectantly. I sighed loudly as if I was already admitting defeat. She had a cup in her hands and she just stared at me. 

“So, what’s the damage, then?” She asked.

“Bruises.” I walked over to the stove and started it. It wasn’t gas-fueled, I knew that much. But I didn’t ask who turned it on in the morning or how. I figured it was someone else's job, or Polly did it herself.

After me reply, she said nothing. That did not ease the tension in the room. I knew what she was doing. I wasn’t gonna fall into her trap. Today, everyone will be eating egg on toast. I was letting the egg cook when I went to see if we had any bacon for meself. I grabbed it from the ice box and went back inside. I put it on the counter then went to flip the egg. 

Slurp!

Me left eye twitched. Slowly, I turned me head back to Polly. She slurped again, louder and longer. Sadly, on reflex, I began giggling. It was a nervous giggle. 

‘I broke. Stare-down is over. She won.’

“It was the banging,” I said. “I went to check on Arthur. I didn’t really realize what I was doing exactly, but it happened. I spooked Arthur while he was ‘aving an episode. It was entirely me fault. And don’t worry, Tommy already scolded me.” I looked back at her, gave her a small smile, then placed the egg on top of the ready toast. 

I turned me head back and heated up the pan for the bacon. 

“Ali, it’s not safe to be doing that. It’s better to let them ride it out. They’ll get better over time, love, but on their own terms. We’ll be there when their fit is over with, but it's best to not interfere while they’re having it. Okay?”

I nodded. I understood. I knew that men could help other men because they were less likely to get pinned down. Like Tommy is gonna do when Danny Whizzbang has an episode in the pub when the plotline starts. He and Freddie managed to calm him down ‘cause they overpowered him. While I was pinned to the floor by me neck. 

“It’s just that… It was so sickening seeing him like that. I couldn’t stand seeing him in pain like that.” Me voice was strained by the end of it. I shook me head as if that would prevent me from crying. 

The chair scraped against the floor. Polly pulled me into a hug. I held her tightly. She rubbed me back and rested her cheek against my head. It lasted until footsteps came thundering down the steps. 

Throughout the day, I managed to keep the bruises a secret from everyone else. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if they kids managed a glimpse ‘n decided to ask about it. When I had to give the boys their lunches, the only normalcy I maintained was with John. He brought it up, but he was very brother-like about it. 

Said that he figured it was gonna happen, he just betted that it’d happen with Tommy. More like hoped, he said. After that he cracked a few jokes with me. 

Then, I went over to Arthur. He couldn't even look at me. He asked how I was, I told ‘em. He nodded and left it at that. I figured that was for the best. 

Finally, it was Tommy’s turn. I was rather hesitant, to say the least. I acted very childish in front of him, and I was trying so very hard to avoid that! I knocked as always, went in, put down his plate, and in a last minute decision I decided I didn’t want to deal with confrontation today! I barely turned ‘round to walk away when he caught my wrist. His chair scraping against the floor as he sprang up to do so.

Me gaze was locked on him, but he was staring down his paperwork. I took in the sight. 

On the outside, I was keeping a composed face, but on the inside I was fangirling.

I swallowed and waited for his words. 

“I- uh,” he said, “I’m sorry. Shouldn’t ‘ave yelled at you.”  

I hummed and nodded. He gently let go of me wrist and I went about me way.

Thomas Shelby was never one to apologize, I’d say it was because the man was as stubborn as a mule. But this past month, that’s all he’s done.

So, everything was normal after that. I gave Finn a lesson while preparing dinner, I did all the chores, and yeah. 

I appreciated that he apologized, but that didn’t make the funk I was in disappear. With every strain on me neck, it hurt— stung. I’m sure it would have been unbearable if Tommy hadn’t iced it. But there was this sick part of meself that kept putting pressure on the bruises. 

The pain was there. The pain made me feel. 

When night came again, I still wasn’t asleep at a proper time. I was standing at the mirror. With the back of me fingers, I brushed over me neck. There was almost pain this time, I was just tracing over them. I was fixated on them. 

‘My sheltered life is truly over.’ I thought. ‘Parents aren’t here to coddle me anymore.’

I was safe in me suburban home back in California. I mean I had different dangers. Superficial dangers now that I think ‘bout it. I was now in a time that if I was taken advantage of, law enforcement would do nothing about it. If you weren’t from an affluent family who could kill the bastard, it was better to just adopt the mindset of “get on with it.” 

I think the only reason why I’m even slightly okay with what happened a month ago is because I’ve already accepted the fact that was going to eventually happen to me. Being in 1920’s Birmingham just upped the stakes, that’s all. 

I exhaled with puffed cheeks as I dropped me hands from me neck. 

“God, I want a ciggie, right now.” I whispered to meself.

I roughly rubbed me face before I picked up my hairbrush. Me hair was really thick and the length of it didn’t help me at all. It was at me mid-back. Me ma’ wanted it to be long. I’ve always had it short or mid length ever since I was a kid, but since she wanted me hair to be long, I caved. 

I was never gonna see her again. So, I might as well do everything that will keep her with me. 

I was still brushing me hair when I heard something. It wasn’t a bang or a thud. It was more like a whisper or a mutter. I stilled and waited. It was still going on. Gently, I placed the brush down then I crept over to the wall.

The wall that separated Tommy’s room ‘n mine. I pressed me ear against the wall ‘n the mutterings got louder. He was having an episode. I put me hand over me mouth and me other on me chest. I clutched on for dear life.

I wanted to help, oh, how I desperately wanted to! But, should I? After he told me off, after Polly told me. I don’t care. I still wanted to help him.

Me hand flew to me neck and I squeezed. Pain, I felt a lot of pain. Me eyes stung with tears. I stopped when I felt the pain begin to numb me thoughts ‘n rationale. That’s when I rushed to Tommy’s room. 

I didn’t care to put on a robe. I just ran out me room. When I got to his door, I slowly turned the knob, and slowly closed it behind me. He was having the sweats and muttering. I couldn’t tell what he was saying, but I knew he was dreaming about the tunnels. 

I stayed by the door and called out to him. “Tommy! Tommy, wake up!” 

He didn’t wake up.

“Tommy, you’re just having a nightmare. Wake up!” Despite my best efforts, I dived nearer to his bed. I had to be at least two feet away from him, I think. I didn’t even know what two feet away was!

“Tommy, you’re home. You’re not there anymore. Tommy, wake up!”

With a gasp, he woke up. Tommy’s eyes were blown wide as he jumped into sitting. Slowly, his eyes focused on me.

“Aliena?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you doing in here?”

“You were talking in your sleep. It worried me, so I came in ‘ere.”

His chest was heaving up and down, his eyes wider than I’ve ever seen— in the flesh at least. I tried thinking of ways to calm him down. 

“I told you-!”

“Smoking opium, Tommy? You’re killing yourself. Killing yourself with all the booze and smoking! You want to talk sense into me like a child, I’ll do the same. Me job is to take care of the lot of youse, so that’s what I’m doing!” I stood up. 

“You plan on doing Billy Kimber over, there’ll be consequences to that even ‘til Finn is old and grey. So you’re gonna listen to me and we’ll find out some other vices for you to turn to so you can at least sleep at night.” I started waving me hands a lot. 

“I can’t babysit you during the day, so to hell with that. But, while you’re within me sight and grasps, I swear by everything that’s holy- I’ll be counting every cigarette and drink you have. I can’t very well overpower you, but don’t doubt my power to be annoying! I will annoy you and I will convince Polly to join with me if you plan on getting rid of me.” I crossed me arms while leaning on one hip. 

“You want to be the leader of the family, Tommy? Take care of yourself so that you will never become a liability even when you’re old and grey. So, what do you say, huh? Are we gonna do this the easy way or the hard way?”

He was surprised, to say the least. He had an eyebrow arched with his mouth hanging open. He closed it then looked away and ‘tsked.’ 

“For the amount I pay you, I shouldn’t be getting this kind of lip from you.”

“Take it up with management, then.”

He scoffed while shaking his head. “All right then, how are you going to put me to sleep?”

I sat on the ground and looked at the floor. “You could help, you know? One of the steps is for you to tell me how to help you, not the other way ‘round.”

He scoffed again. “Will you go fetch me a drink?”

“Nope.”

“Right.”

I pouted. I knew some ways I wanted to try out, but I didn’t want to embarrass meself. 

‘Fuck it! This isn’t supposed to be about me!’

 “How about I talk to you? You know, it’ll be like you’re me living diary. Or I sing? Or I hold your hand? For some people, it gives them a sense of comfort, but for others it makes their skin crawl. Or I could just be by you ‘til you fall asleep? Yeah, that’s all I got. The rest of it that I read about is…for couples.”

Tommy hummed. “All right, we’ll try it. But, you have to promise that if this fails, you butt out. No more bugging me and Arthur about this, ever.”

“I promise! Now, what are we trying?”

“All of it.”

“All of it?”

“Yep, never done this before, so can’t tell you what will work. Go on, talk the night away.”

So, I did. I talked to him about me family and some of me past. I told him all about me rocky relationship with me ma’ and how me da’ was an absolute genius. I told him about the embarrassing things I did as a child that I regretted. I told him a little about how the future would be. It didn’t matter if he believed me or not, still would be me talking.

And I made sure to not tell him any historical events!

But neither of us really paid attention to the fact that at some point, his hand was holding mine. I had to have talked for at least three hours before he fell asleep. All that talking made me tired too. I was yawning so much that tears were running down me face and me nose was runny. 

I fell asleep that night sitting at his bedside with our hands entwined.

TAG LIST: @amirahiddleston​ @nemesis729​

[punksarahreese]

Letters | A Chance Meeting (Twice Over)

Nosdecember day 12 | @neworleansspecial

Teen!au; Sarah and Ava’s struggle to keep in contact

CW: narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, need-panic and PTSD themes from said abuse, drug/alcohol/gambling mention, homophobia

***

Ava,

I know I haven’t answered your texts in a while. By the time you get this it will probably be a couple weeks since I last messaged. I promise I would never ignore you, what happened is out of my control.

Mom and her boyfriend broke up. Since then, she’s been adamant that we forget our trip ever happened. She threw out all our things from South Africa already, including the t-shirts we bought together. She said I can’t text you anymore.

It’s not fair, I know. I tried for a couple weeks to keep in contact through messages, I didn’t want to worry you, but she found out. She takes my phone at night now, she reads all my texts. I’m sorry, Ava; I don’t want to ignore you, I promise.

If this letter gets to you, send one back if you wanna. My friend said you can mail things to her address, she won’t open them, just so my mother doesn’t take them from me. I’ve attached the address and her name too, if you wanna write me back. I understand if you’re upset with me, just know I didn’t mean to cut you off.

I miss you,

Sarah

Sarah did her best to be subtle as she crept down the stairs, purple envelope burning a hole in her pocket. She hoped her mother was asleep so she wouldn’t have to answer any questions. She did have an alibi in mind though, her school bag hanging over one shoulder and library card on the lanyard around her neck. She had long since mastered the art of lying to get out of her mother’s manipulation, which Sarah feared would progress to her becoming a narcissistic liar like the woman who raised her. Still, that was a worry for future Sarah; right now she just wanted to get to the post office.

Luckily she had been asleep, wine glass abandoned on the kitchen counter and ¼ of a bottle left beside the couch. Sarah didn’t want to think about what kind of a mood she would be in when she got back. The drinking wasn’t always a problem, it came and went as boyfriends left or she lost jobs due to her unaddressed issues. Sometimes it was too much wine, other times she turned to marijuana or spending rent money on scratch lottery tickets. Sarah never knew which one of her mother’s coping mechanisms would appear during an episode, she just knew better than to mention it when it happened. The narcissism never left though, that was something Sarah had been accustomed to since before her dad even left the picture.

Nevertheless, she made it out of the house and to the post office. 30 minutes later, Sarah had mailed her letter, though she did have to pay a bit of a ridiculous fee to mail it where she wanted. That was another feat that made her painfully aware of the distance between her and the best friend she hadn’t seen for months.

Three weeks after that, Sarah’s friend pulled her aside at lunch. She pressed a cream coloured envelope into her hand, not saying a word but giving her a soft smile. Sarah didn’t open the letter until she was on the bus ride home, but the fact that Ava had actually responded to her had the other girl giddy all day.

The replying letter was longer than Sarah expected, two pages of Ava saying she was so glad to hear from her. Ava was sorry that Sarah’s mother was being so cruel, stating that she wished things could be different. What got Sarah the most was the lilac scent wafting from the paper, Ava’s favourite perfume. Of course Ava would be the kind of person to spritz her stationary with her signature scent, just as much as she was the person to fold her letter into threes and seal it with a little anatomical heart sticker. It was the little things like that that made Sarah miss her even more, the little quirks that she would always associate with the other girl.

This started a bit of a routine. The letters took about a week to get to Ava and hers took a bit longer to make it to the US, for whatever reason. Their communication was not the greatest, slower and less frequent than either would like, but they made it work for a while. There was one day that Sarah’s friend, their in-between for correspondence, dragged her to her locker. She gave Sarah a teasing look when she passed her the small package along with a letter, saying that her mom had been confused about the mail since it was less conspicuous than usual. Still, it made Sarah’s day and she spent her afternoon in the corner of the library, going over Ava’s words.

The gift had been a dainty silver necklace, the charm attached to it making Sarah smile widely. It was a dopamine molecule, a neurotransmitter responsible for feelings of love. It was also appropriate because a lack of dopamine causes anxiety, which they both knew plagued Sarah greatly. While cheesy, the gift was so Ava and it was the first gift Sarah had received in a while. It made Sarah’s heart ache as much as it made her happy; what she wouldn’t give to hug her best friend at that point.

After putting the necklace on, she reread the letter. There was one portion that made her want to cry, to drop everything and figure out how to book a flight to South Africa even as a minor.

You’re always on my mind Sarah, as much as I’m embarrassed to admit it. Even though we’ve only spent two weeks in person together, I think you might be my favourite person. These last few months of letters have been a blessing and a curse. I miss your voice, your laugh, and I miss staying up until 4 AM just to talk to you. I miss you more than I thought I would and I’m so sorry things turned out this way. If I could, I would bring you here to live with me in a heartbeat. Forget parents and manipulation, you don’t deserve this. I’m worried, Sarah, You’re so far away and I don’t want to lose you. I know it's childish of me to say, but I just want to run away with you.

That, paired with the love signoff etched into the sweet, lilac scented paper, was enough to make Sarah weep. Ava cared about her, a lot, and Sarah couldn’t properly convey how important that was to her. She hadn’t felt truly loved in God knows how long, so the fact that she was so far away from and so cut off from the one person who made her feel special was so frustrating.

She read Ava’s letters over whenever she had bad days. It was her escape from her mother’s constant manipulation and gaslighting; a reminder that someone out there did love Sarah. She let herself get lost in Ava’s words, the scent of her perfume, and the feeling of her necklace under her fingertips. It wasn’t the same, it didn’t heal her like a hug would have, but it was enough in the moment. She didn’t want to admit how many times she had cried over those letters, though the tearstained paper would be indicative enough. She missed Ava so much and she so badly needed to hear her voice, just one more time. Hearing her speak those words, the promises she made, in that low accented tone would have been Sarah’s breaking point. Still, it was the one thing she wanted more than anything.

They exchanged letters for almost six months, to the point where they had their respective postal systems memorized. Over those months, despite everything, they even became closer. At some point, Ava admitted she had feelings for Sarah. Her letter was filled with apologies and promises that it shouldn’t ruin their friendship. Sarah wrote back and shyly admitted her own feelings, in an emotional note that ended up being smudged from tears. They weren’t dating, they never actually said that explicitly, but they knew they loved each other. The contact was so hard, it strained their relationship so much, but it was what both girls needed. As time went on Ava had no qualms with saying she loved her and every time Sarah read those words she felt her heart swell. Ava loved her, she really did. It made Sarah feel like the luckiest girl in the world, as cheesy as it was.

Sarah had just returned home from school, another envelope tucked carefully into her day planner, when her world flipped upside down. Her mother was in her room, reeking of alcohol, and she had Sarah’s hidden shoebox on the bed. All of Ava’s letters had been saved in that box, tucked away in the back of her closet so she could reread them when she needed to feel loved. The letters were strewn across the floor, some ripped to shreds already, and Sarah felt her heart drop.

“What did I say?” Her mother’s bleary eyes focused on her angrily, “Why do you think you can disobey me like this?”

“Mom, please-”

“No, Sarah,” the letter she had in her hands was tossed at her feet, “I don’t need any excuses. You think you own this house and my rules don’t matter? You’re planning to leave me, aren’t you? You’re going to run away to that little bitch and leave me. Just like your father did.”

Sarah was already crying, shaking with panic because it was all too much. Her letters were almost all destroyed, her mother’s anger palpable. It didn’t matter that Sarah knew she was drunk, it didn’t matter that her brain was telling her she was being manipulative and gaslighting her again. Her words stung regardless, the weight of everything crashing down on her. Sarah couldn’t breathe, was already flinching away from the woman who was supposed to love her unconditionally. Her brain was screaming at her to run but all she could do was sob out apologies because fleeing wasn’t an option.

“You’re just as bad as he is, as bad as all of them. You all want to hurt me, after all I’ve done for you? How ungrateful are you, Sarah Reese? Do you even love your mother?”

The fighting went on for what felt like hours. Sarah was beyond terrified, panic overrunning her system as she took every insult and lie her mother threw at her. She watched as she ripped up the remaining letters, tipped Sarah’s backpack upside down and found the one she hadn't even had a chance to read yet. She followed after her begging as she took the scraps of paper to the woodstove in their old kitchen, trying to reason with her even though there was no point. Her mother just sneered at her as she tossed the papers into the fire, shoving them under the burning kindling with the poker.

“Your phone and laptop are mine,” her words were hissed out, “You don’t leave this house for anything but school. That friend of yours who helped you send those disgusting letters? You will never speak to her again, you hear me?”

“Mom,” Sarah sobbed, “Don’t do this to me.”

“Sarah, I’m trying to help you. You don’t need them, none of them are your friends; they will only hurt you. That little Ava bitch doesn’t love you. No one loves you but me, baby; they all lie.”

Sarah’s stomach turned at that, wanting to throw up and scream at the same time. She shook her head fiercely, Ava did love her. She did, she told Sarah so.

“Mom, I love her,” she whispered brokenly, “Please. This isn’t me trying to hurt you. I love her and she says she loves me too.”

“Baby, no. You’re sick; this isn’t okay. You may think this gay thing is normal and okay but it’s not. It’s ruining my little girl and I won’t stand for it. You will stay here with me and that is final, you understand?”

The pet names were said in a sickeningly sweet way and Sarah knew she would never win in this argument. Her mother’s word was law and Sarah had to accept that. She would have to obey or she would get sent to yet another summer camp trying to brainwash her into liking men. The mood change was evidently another manipulation tactic, to make Sarah believe her mother was the only one who did love her. The cutting her off from everyone was one too, it was the same reason Sarah wasn’t allowed to have a job. She had to be completely dependent on her mother; that way she could never run away. It was horrible, made Sarah feel like a prisoner in her own home, but at the same time she was used to it. She couldn’t breathe, didn’t know how she would cope with this anymore.

“Go to your room, Sarah. We’re not speaking of this any longer.”

Sarah rushed back to her room, which was still an absolute disaster. Her things were overturned and broken, her clothes torn out of the dresser and her mattress half off the bed frame. All she could do was sob as she collapsed onto the floor, shaking like a leaf. She didn’t know how to calm down, didn’t know what would happen now. She needed Ava, she needed to hear her voice. Her brain was overrun with her mother’s words, the claim that Ava would never love her and that Sarah’s love was in some way disgusting. She just needed to hear her say it out loud, to promise that she did care about Sarah and her mother was lying.

It was all lies; everything was a lie. Sarah didn’t know what to believe anymore. All she knew was she was suffocating and she couldn’t live like this anymore; not without the girl she loved.

[cpd5021]

Crossing Lines - Chapter One

New multi-chapter story line, starting at the end of 7x18. The first part is basically a recap of the ending of that episode, from Hailey’s perspective. And then we go into her telling Jay, something we didn’t get to see on PD. I plan on having this go for 5, maybe 6, chapters depending on how it goes. I also, shockingly, laid out a plan for each chapter so I know where I’m taking it....something I have never actually done before 😂. I plan on this fic being pretty angsty, because lets face it, that’s how I roll but there might be some fluff scattered in eventually. Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think!!

I sat in my car, watching the red and blue lights flashing through the channels of rain running down my window. I watched the interaction between the officers and the driver of the vehicle, confusion evident on his face. I watched as they brought out the K9 to sniff around the car. But I didn’t need to watch to know what they would find. A part of me knew this was going to far, that this was wrong. Planting drugs, falsifying evidence, was not only immoral, it was illegal. My mind wandered back to a younger me, a fresh face to the Intelligence unit, wondering what that person would say if she could see me now. That Hailey would have never so much as thought of this scenario, let alone act on it, or actually go through with it. But here I was. I guess what they say is true, time can change people. I focused on the scene before me once more, watching the handcuffs going on and confusion mixing with anger as the man who had managed to evade the law for so long was finally going down. I started my car up and pulled away slowly, knowing the chain of events that would follow. Gael would be charged and Luis would hopefully get his deal. The damage to his and Vanessa’s relationship was done, but I knew she would feel a sense of relief knowing he wouldn’t take the full ride. Maybe that’s why I had done this, maybe the soft spot that had formed over the last few months for Vanessa is what led me to tonight. Maybe trying to help out a friend was enough justification to not make this so bad. Or maybe I just didn’t care anymore. 

I came to a stop at a flashing red light, having every intention to just go home and hope my plan fell into place like I was certain it would, when my phone buzzed in the seat beside me. I picked it up, glancing down at the name lighting up the screen. That was fast. 

We need to meet. Now. 

I forced out a breath as the words from Voight settled in. I knew it would happen eventually, I just figured I’d have more time first. But apparently the news of Gael’s bust had traveled quickly. With another sigh, I made a U-turn, angling myself to head back towards the precinct. 

The drive there was a blur as I steeled myself for what was to come. Voight, out of everyone, would know that something was off. Gael was too good at what he did to make a stupid mistake like this. And Voight was smart enough to know I was somehow involved, whether he knew the full extent or not. I parked my car and quickly got out into the cool Chicago drizzle, not wanting to linger any longer on this than necessary. As I trudged up the steps into the 21st, the reaction I received from Trudy should have been my first indication of what was to come. The second she laid eyes on me she turned her back and feigned interest in something on her computer. My head jerked back slightly at her reaction but I didn’t have time to push the issue. I quickly jogged up the steps and buzzed my way in. 

Without any delay, I strolled right into the bullpen, making a beeline for his office. Just as I reached the door frame, I forced myself to slow down, setting my shoulders back and wiping my face of any emotion before stepping in. 

“You wanted to see me?” 

Hank, who was leaning forward with his head resting against his palm, immediately sat up and shifted back in his seat to get a better look at me. 

“Shut the door.” 

Ah, so this definitely wasn’t going to go well. With a slight nod of my head I did as I was told, steeling myself for the conversation to come. I remained standing, hoping to keep this as quick as possible. 

“Sit down.”

Voight wasn’t having it and saw right through my attempts to keep this informal. I sat with a slight sigh, pursing my lips and trying to keep my emotions stoic. 

“I just heard from Becerra. Patrol found two keys of dope in the trap of Gael’s car. And she’s gonna use our wire to build the case. Should be a slam dunk.” 

I nodded slightly as he spoke. This is not information I should already be aware of, I briefly considered feigning surprise at his words, but I knew he would see right through that too. If I was here he already knew what I had done. I remained silent, waiting for him to continue. 

“Oh, and Luis, he’s gonna get the one year deal in exchange for corroborating evidence, so...”

Voight trailed off, watching my face closely. The later part of what he had just said was new to me. I had hoped that Luis would get the break but it wasn’t a guarantee. I gave a slight smile, one I knew didn’t reach my eyes and took a small breath before responding. 

“That’s great. Finally caught a break.”

I could play along with this charade for as long as he would allow it. A part of me hoped we could just leave it at this, but I knew I wouldn’t get that lucky. 

“Yeah.” 

Hank nodded in agreement, our facade continuing. We were nearing a breaking point though and I knew he wasn’t done with me yet. A silence filled the room as he continued to study my features. I stared right back, unwilling to waiver and back down from this battle. 

“So this is something we’re doing now?”

There it was. I knew we weren’t done. I knew he had figured it out, but I still wasn’t sure if he had put all the details together yet. I tilted my head questioningly, not trusting myself to speak, unsure if my voice would betray me. 

“Planting dope? Creating evidence?”

Nothing, and I mean nothing, got by Hank Voight. I knew this as a fact but it was still a calculated risk I had taken. 

“If product was found in his car, it was his own product.” 

I tried to justify my actions without fully admitting to them, hoping we could finish this little dance soon. 

“And you think that makes it better?”

He leaned forward now, closing the distance between us and causing me to swallow hard at the increased tension. 

“Gael got off easy. Luis deserved the deal.”

Once again, I defended my actions, coming closer to admitting what had occurred without actually voicing the words. I didn’t need to say it out loud, he already knew. He dropped his head, processing what I had said. 

“Hailey, I understand why you did it. I’m not stupid. But do you understand you crossed a line?” 

He understood because there was a part of me that had become more and more like him. I thought back to the younger Hailey once again and how far I had ventured away from that person. 

“Do you?” 

He pushed, waiting for my response. I didn’t have one, I couldn’t find the words to reply. So instead I let out a shaky breath, fighting to maintain my composure. 

“Hailey, the problem with crossing lines...you cross enough of them, you forget where they are. You don’t see them anymore.”

His words were hitting a nerve within me. Maybe because I knew he was right. Maybe because a part of me had become concerned about those lines myself and the fact that they had already blurred. 

“I’m seeing just fine, sir.” 

I spoke quietly, unsure of whether I was trying to convince him or myself. 

“Yeah, okay. Well take a look at this, New York’s FBI task force is looking for a loan out officer. I just signed you up.”

Of all the ways I had imagined this meeting going, all the things I had rehearsed in my head that he would say to me...that was the last thing I had expected. 

“What?”

I spoke before I could stop myself, before I had even fully processed what he had said. 

“It’s an assignment for a few weeks. Believe me, they do things different there. The lines, they are real clear.”

What he was saying, what he was doing, finally registered and something inside me clicked. I knew I should keep my mouth shut, be thankful I still had a job and that I wasn’t being arrested. But the thought of being sent away, from Intelligence, from Chicago...it broke something inside me and I exploded.

“I did the same thing you would have done.”

There was a part of me that hated what I had just admitted out loud. I never in a million years could have predicted that I would be in this situation, that I would have crossed the lines to get me here. I knew how Voight worked, hell, I respected it. His ways weren’t always straightforward or morally sound, but he brought justice to situations when the system failed. Before I could continue, although I wasn’t sure what would have come next, Voight exploded in front of me. He stood abruptly and shoved the contents of his desk onto the floor. I immediately felt the panic set in, the tightness in my chest and the struggle to breath. I wasn’t afraid of Voight, no, but the scene in front of me was one that was all to familiar. I instantly traveled back to my childhood, feeling less like a hardened detective and more like the scared little girl I once was by the second. I knew what was coming next, throwing things usually preceded yelling in my experience and, try as I might, I couldn’t get my walls up fast enough before it started.  

“I don’t want you to be me! That’s my job! Your job is to be you!”

He towered over me now, face reddened and veins throbbing along his neck. I felt myself shutting down, burying myself deep down into the hole I had fought so hard to crawl out of. I couldn’t speak, could barely breathe, and it was taking everything in me not to show my emotions. Luckily, after years of abuse, I had learned to hide them well. But his sudden outburst was pushing my limits to the brink. 

“Hailey, I’m starting to wonder if you can do it.” 

He spoke softer that time, his eyes drilling into mine. I scrambled to keep myself together, to keep my walls up. I refused to break down in front of him, to let him see what he had just broke inside of me. I focused on my breathing and swallowed down the burning in my throat. He gave me one last glare before shaking his head and moving to stand behind his desk. 

“Alright, Platt’s got the details. Flight leaves tomorrow. Have a safe trip.” 

And with that I was dismissed. I took a moment, trying to steady the trembling within me before I stood on shaky legs and made my way to the door. I pulled it open, my body functioning on autopilot, and walked quickly through the bullpen. I could feel the burning in my throat increase and knew I was on the brink of losing control. I swallowed hard as I approached the steps leading me back to Platt. I didn’t need to say anything for her to know why I was lingering. With a somber look, she reached under her desk and pulled out a manila envelope, handing it to me without a word. She looked like she was considering saying something, but the look in my eyes must have been enough to make her rethink it. I nodded my thanks and turned to walk out the doors. I kept my pace steady, one foot in front of the other, as I made my way to my car. I hit the key fob, illuminating my headlights in the slight drizzle and then climbed in, tossing the envelope onto the seat beside me. I gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles, my chest tightening once again. I forced another deep breath into my lungs, wincing as they burned in protest and started my car. I wouldn’t let myself loose it here. I could make it home first. 

I made it about two blocks before my body took over. Tears began to stream down my face and they quickly transformed into sobs. Through blurry eyes, I navigated off the roadway into a parking space along the sidewalk. My breathing was coming out labored as each inhale sent a fire coursing within me. I held onto the steering wheel for dear life as my emotions crashed over me, my body shaking with the force. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t gain control over myself no matter how hard I tried. I gave in eventually, realizing I wasn’t going to win and let the sobs rack through me. After what felt like an eternity, they began to slow. My breaths began to come easier and I no longer felt the tears running down my face. In fact, I felt nothing. My body had now shifted into autopilot mode. I was numb. I sat there for a few more moments, regaining the rest of my composure. I wiped at my face with my sleeves, glancing at my red rimmed eyes in the rear view mirror. My goal had been to make it home but suddenly that’s the last place I wanted to be. I debated my next location and a thought popped into my head that almost made me loose control again. Jay. I needed to tell him that I was leaving. I had watched first hand the mess he had been when Erin left and I refused to do that to him, even though they had been romantically involved and we were just close friends. I pushed down the thoughts that came racing to the forefront of my mind when I though of him, Vanessa’s words from the waiting room replaying in my head on repeat. No, that was definitely a line I wouldn’t cross. As if on cue, my phone buzzed once again from its spot beside me. I hesitantly glanced down at it and let out a breath when I saw Jay’s picture lighting up my screen. I took a deep breath and prayed my voice wouldn’t give me away before I answered it. 

“Hey..” 

Shit. My voice was hoarse and there was no doubt I had been crying. 

“Hailey? You okay?”

He was concerned. Of course he was. The man seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to reading me..well, most of the time anyway. 

“Yeah yeah...”

I tried to play it off but I knew he wouldn’t buy it. I could hear commotion in the back and hoped maybe he would be too busy to push the issue. 

“We’re all at Molly’s celebrating. Gael got popped, did you hear?”

Oh if he only knew. I debated agreeing to come up for drinks but I knew there was no way I would be able to play this off in front of my entire unit. And frankly, I didn’t have the energy for that anyway. But, I thought quickly, if I told him there then I would have an excuse to bail right after and he wouldn’t be alone. Plus, maybe his slight buzz would be enough to curb the edge of the bomb I was about to drop. 

“Sure, sounds good.”

I agreed and then quickly ended the call. With a deep breath, I shifted my car into drive and pointed towards the bar, rehearsing my conversation the entire way. I pulled into the lot and my bravado instantly faded. I couldn’t bring myself to go in so instead I pulled my phone back out and sent him a text. 

Hey, I’m in the lot. Can you come out?” 

This was weak, I knew it was. But there was no good way to deliver the news I was about to tell him and this seemed like the easiest option. His reply was instant and I got out to stand in front of my car as he came jogging towards me from the bar. His face held a smile that quickly faltered as he took in my appearance. I’m sure my face was still red from my breakdown and I could tell my eyes were a dead giveaway. He slowed as he approached, closing the gap and moving to lean beside me against the hood of my car. He crossed his arms, looking down at me and waiting for me to speak. 

“Hey Jay...”

My brain scrambled to find more words to say but the look in his eyes was throwing me off. He knew I was about to say something bad, he just didn’t know what. 

“Hailey...what’s going on?” 

He pushed, slightly impatient with the suspense I was unwittingly creating.  

“I’m going to New York.” 

Well...I could have done that better. Try as I might, I couldn’t form a better way to say it so instead I just blurted it out. I didn’t say it sadly, or harshly, in fact, my voice had been damn near monotone. But still, I watched as my words settled in, crushing him. He didn’t say anything and I let the silence hang between us for a moment before I continued. 

“Voight’s sending me. It’s a few weeks. But I’ll be back.”

I tacked on the last part as I watched him shutting down, shutting me out. I was sure I knew what was racing through his mind right now. Thoughts of Lindsay leaving and the destruction that had come in that wake. 

“Why?” 

His voice was hoarse and I knew he was holding something back. His tone was a mix of hurt, anger and confusion. All something I could easily identify with at the moment. 

“FBI task force needs a loan out officer.”

I dodged his real question, hoping that would be enough. It wasn’t. 

“Why?”

He repeated again and I knew what he was pushing for. Voight didn’t just send people away without reason and Jay was smart enough to put that much together at least. 

“He thinks....he thinks my lines are blurred and he wants to set me straight.”

I admitted weakly, shuddering as I said it out loud for the first time. Jay was someone who would always have my back and I knew if I gave him the full details that he would receive them without judgement, but I couldn’t bring myself to let him in on the full story yet. 

“What did you do?” 

His voice was quieter this time, his tone matching my monotone one from earlier. His question, or rather, the way he delivered it, threw me off though. There was a hint of accusation in his voice that struck a nerve within me. 

“What did I do?”

I repeated, shifting off the hood to face him directly. I thought Jay was someone who would have my back no matter what, but suddenly that was a fact I was doubting.

“He’s punishing you so it must have been something big. What did you do?”

Jay’s tone had shifted and he moved off the hood as well, lingering over me. His tone was angry now and it had me throwing up my walls for a second time tonight. 

“Nothing he would’t have done.”

I challenged, crossing my arms over my chest and squaring my shoulders back. I knew that his anger wasn’t directed at me per say, he was angry I was being made to leave, angry at Voight for sending me.

“Damn it Hailey...”

He trailed off, shaking his head. This was not the response I had expected and I wasn’t sure how to proceed. Suddenly, I felt as if we were at a turning point and if we both weren’t careful there would be some serious dents in our relationship afterwards. 

“My flight leaves tomorrow.”

I relayed that detail when I couldn’t find anything else to say. His eyes bugged out slightly as the new information settled in. He paced in front of me, avoiding my eyes as he looked anywhere but my direction. I let him have his moment, finding myself once again swallowing down the burn in my throat. 

“How long?”

He asked, movements stopping but still avoiding my eyes. I wasn’t oblivious to the distance his pacing had put between us but I didn’t want to push it.

“Um, three weeks, I think...I haven’t read the packet yet.” 

I all but whispered my response, watching his face change once again. The anger was gone now, but nothing had taken it’s place. His face was void of all emotion and the sight made the panic feeling return to my chest. 

“Okay. Have a good trip Hailey.”

And with that he turned away, slowly making his way back to the bar. I was frozen by his words and his abrupt end to the discussion. He was halfway across the lot by the time I could force anything from my mouth.  

“Jay.” 

I said, loud enough that he should have been able to hear me but if he did he didn’t respond. 

“Jay!” 

I tried again, practically yelling this time as the back of his figure came to the bars entrance, pausing briefly before dipping inside. As soon as he was out of sight, all the emotions I had shut down earlier came racing back. Now not only had I lost Intelligence, even if it was only for a brief period of time, but I also just lost Jay. Or at least, that’s what this felt like. Something in his eyes before he looked away told me I had hurt him by leaving, even though this wasn’t my choice it was a direct result of my actions and therefore definitely my fault. I came to the realization as my emotions came crashing back over me, that I would loose Intelligence in a heartbeat before I would lose Jay. Although it seemed as if, in one fell swoop, I had just lost both. I debated going into the bar after him but there was no way I was going to be able to compose myself any time soon and I couldn’t bring myself to walking in there in front of everyone, looking like a mess as my world crumbled around me. So instead, I climbed into my car and drove myself home. Once there, I dragged myself up the stairs, stripping my clothes off as I went, knowing Vanessa wasn’t home, and then stepped into the shower. I turned the water as hot as it would go, letting myself fall apart completely on last time before promising myself it wouldn’t happen again. 

[juminsmysticmc]

If possible could I request an MC who has Epilepsy and has a seizure for the first time around each of the RFA members? Like how would they react? Also you don't have to do all members if you don't wanna... if that's the case I prefer Zen and Jumin... Thank you and I hope your day is lovely.

RFA with a Mc who has Epilepsy and has a seizure for the first time in front of them

Hii babe! Of course I want all members! Sorry that it came so late! Your request came one as the last ones and I still wanted to google Epilepsy a bit…I hope you enjoy this HC! And everyone, please keep in mind that I‘m not a doctor and that my source is the internet! If you have criticism, don’t be rude! 

Jumin 

One hour, two hours after the third hour you thought you were going crazy. 

Heavy eyes made it almost impossible for you to stay awake but you successfully waited for your husband to come home. 

Both you were happy to see each other but none thought that this happiness got destroyed within a blink of eye. 

Suddenly you simply crushed on the floor, making a loud thud. 

Your whole body was shaking. 

Jumin didn‘t know what to do, his heart was beating crazily as he saw you on the floor. 

Immediately he called medical support who afterwards put something into your mouth.  

After they carried you into your bed, the doctor approached Jumin, explaining him what happened. 

,,Mr Han. Your wife just hat an episode, a seizure. This happens when a burst of electrical impulses in the brain escape their normal limits. They spread to neighboring areas and create an uncontrolled storm of electrical activity. The electrical impulses can be transmitted to the muscles, causing twitches or convulsions.“

 Jumin was also trembling. 

He felt as if he couldn’t breath.

Pictures of you laying on the ground, trembling crazily shot through his head. 

Why didn’t he know that? Why wasn’t he aware of the fact that you had Epilepsy? 

,,My love…I was so scared when I saw you…I called the doctor right away…how are you now…?“ Jumin whispered as he sat next to you, holding your hand tightly into his own. 

You smiled at him, stroking him over his cheek. 

,,I feel better, Jumin. Sorry for scaring you and not telling you about my epilepsy….the issue is that when I was born, I had a head injury….I guess the lack of sleep gave me a seizure.“ you explained, feeling sleepy right away. 

Jumin nodded. 

,,Let’s talk about this later…just go to sleep...“ Jumin whispered with a smile. 

As soon as you closed your eyes the man put his palms on his face and began to sight loudly. 

After this scenario your husband was almost a specialist in Epilepsy. 

He always made sure that you slept enough and that you took your medicaments.

Zen 

You already told Zen. 

When both of you became an official couple after the RFA party you told him your secret. 

You told him about the low oxygen when you were born and about the seizure you sometimes had. 

,,Do you have them often?“ he asked you scared back then. 

You however shook your head, smiling at him while you reassured him that this only happened once in a while. 

After half a year nothing happened and this scenario was in Zen‘s last corner of brain. 

But something happened. 

You were tired and stressed. 

Perhaps you even took a wrong doses of your medicine. 

Whatever it was, in the next moment you had a seizure. 

You explained it to Zen a few times. 

You told him does and don’ts and he thought that in the moment of the panic he did well. 

He tried to calm you, looked at the clock and made his best to avoid an injury. 

,,Not even a minute, that‘s okay…“ he whispered. 

But it was odd that you still didn’t say anything. 

You told him that while a seizure you wouldn’t be able to say anything but he thought that you would still regain consciousness. 

Before he even could say your name another seizure overcame you. 

,,Huh?? Huh?!“ he panicked. 

His brain tried to concentrate on you, he tried to think about you, about the situation but it was impossible. 

He was helpless. 

It was way too odd and this time the seizure took two minutes. 

Without waiting a second more Zen grabbed his phone, calling medical support right away. 

,,Mr Ryu, you did the right thing. You couldn’t know that she would have a second seizure.“ the nurse tried to calm Zen who tried his best to stay calm. 

,,Hello….“ Zen whispered a few hours later when he was alone with you in the room. 

You slightly smiled at him and closed your eyes again. 

They flickered a few times until your eyes got finally used to the light. 

,,What happened?“ you asked him, realizing that you weren’t at home. 

,, I panicked when you didn’t regain your consciousness and instead got a second seizure…“ he told you, stroking your hand. 

You looked up and nodded. 

,,Sorry Hyun. You just wanted a lovely relationship and instead have to handle something like me too….“ you told him, feeling really sorry for him. 

But he shook his head and kissed your front. 

,,Don’t worry Jagiya. I‘m more than happy to take care of you so don’t worry and just rest…I will stay here…“ 

Yoosung 

You didn’t know how but you somehow forgot to tell him about your Epilepsy. 

It was at the beginning of your relationship when it happened. 

Yoosung was studying medicine for animals but of course he also had enough knowledge to recognize this as an seizure. 

Both of you were currently at Rika‘s apartment together with the other members of the RFA to look through the room. 

In the very moment when the seizure happened none knew what to do except for your boyfriend who quickly told the other what to do. 

,,Zen please look at the clock and keep me updated how long it is. Jumin please call medical support when I say ,,now’’ and Seven please get me something to cover her! Jaehee please search in her purse for something that looks like medication!“ he ordered around. 

Everyone was surprised that he knew what to do. 

Did you perhaps already tell him? 

Without complaining the members did what they were told. 

They were all way too shocked to do otherwise. 

Your seizure went on for about two minutes. 

Yoosung looked so grown-up. 

,,Are you all right?“ he asked you calmly. 

,,Yes Yoosung. Even through I can’t say anything while a seizure I realized what you did. I‘m sorry for not telling you…I simply forgot it…,but thank you for reacting like that.“ you thanked him. 

You stayed like that for a few more minutes until you got up again. 

The seizure absorbed a lot of strength and so you all decided to go home and relax for the day. 

Rika‘s secrets could wait after all. 

Jaehee 

Your biggest fear was that a seizure happened in your shop. 

You didn’t want other to know about this, to see you there, shaking on the floor. 

You were simply scared. You knew what could happen. You could hurt someone without even wanting to hurt them. 

You could get injured or could accidentally pee in your pants. 

Just the imagination of this picture made you shiver. 

But even through you gave your best to hide this from the publicity, you had to tell Jaehee. 

Both of you needed to support each other. 

Everything went well, you were sleeping enough, you didn’t take any different medication or the wrong dose and alcohol was a no go for you anyways. 

You did everything well and it lastet for six months. 

But then you failed. 

Your Epilepsy got worse and worse and at some point it even happened that a seizure occurred while you were working, something that you really wanted to avoid. 

But Jaehee, even through it was her first time experiencing you like that, immediately acted. 

She was indeed scared to death but she gave her best. 

At first she covered you to prevent other guest to see something which could make you feel embarrassed. 

Then she quickly searched your medicinde without stopping to count the seconds. 

She knew exactly when to intervene. 

But luckily the medicine wasn’t needed. 

,,Are you hurt somewhere…?’’ she asked you, being able now to show her fears. 

,,I’m a doctor, if I may can look at her I can tell you if an ambulance is needed or not.’’ 

After a few minutes the doctor approved that no ambulance was needed. 

Jaehee decided to close the shop for a few days and to eventually go to the doctor to make sure that he was well informed. 

Saeyoung 

It was an odd day. 

You already got up with a pretty bad mood, something that wasn’t normal for you. 

Reading from your medical records your fiancé already knew that you were ill. 

You once had a brain tumor but luckily you got better. 

But unfortunately you brought something else with you: Epilepsy. 

Saeyoung quickly noticed that morning that something wasn’t right. 

The way you were behaving was odd. 

You looked as if you had a head ache, always looking so serious and in pain, massaging your temples. 

Before Saeyoung could however ask you if you were alright or if you perhaps should visit a doctor a seizure happened. 

You crushed on the floor, your body shaking below his feet. 

It was your first seizure with him together and Saeyoung never felt so scared with you in his life. 

Yes, both of you went through some hardships while knowing each other but this was so unexpected. 

Knowing your medical records Saeyoung tried his best to convert what he read from the websites about Epilepsy. 

He quickly took off his shirt, putting it below your head. 

He looked at his phone to make sure that the seizure wouldn’t last longer than five minutes and tried his best to make sure that nothing could hurt you. 

,,Three minutes…’’ he mumbled when it stopped. 

He softly took your body to turn you in a stable position. 

,,Saeyoung….’’ you began to cry. 

Saeyoung read that some people felt scared after a seizure and so he gave his best to make sure that you wouldn’t feel bad. 

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

29.07.2019// 18:00 MEST

Tagged:

@foreversunshine-love @giulia2372 @milkyxstrawberry

@widya345 @remiliadacalde @sailormoonrocks666 @r-f-a-journalists 

[danghyuk]

filthy. [kim seokjin]

► au info: none

► summary: a quickie results in a lot of awkward situations

► pairing: kim seokjin (Jin) x male!reader

► word count: 1750

► warning(s): s m u t, bareback (use condoms kids) and crack (as in the genre lmao)

► other info: you and seokjin are dating, but other members aren't aware. they just think of you as a close friend of the group

═════ ◈ ═════

“Aaahh, oh my- Jinnie! There! There! Mo- ore!”

The named male groaned in reply and threw his head backwards, feeling it rest upon the back of the sofa. Both of his hands were busy making hand- and finger-shaped bruises on your moving hips, helping you to bounce faster on his lap.

It was fast and hurried, both of you scared and thriving on the adrenaline surging through your bodies along with the pleasure, not wanting to be caught by the others who could be back any minute.

Who had initiated it in the first place was long forgotten. All you knew and could focus on at the moment was the feeling of Seokjin’s throbbing member filling you up and fucking your oversensitive hole over and over again as you rode him, quick and dirty.

You riding your boyfriend on the living-room couch as the other members were out shopping, probably wasn’t the best idea. Despite the fact that you only would have a couple of minutes to separate and fix yourselves if they suddenly arrived, you couldn’t get enough of each other – you running your hands all over Jin, gripping his hair and head to bring him into an open-mouthed and messy kiss – and him, digging his nails into your thick thighs and marking every part of your neck he could from your positions.

“[Name]!” He gasped, out of breath as he were the one in your lap being fucked like no tomorrow. Your name was repeated by his plump lips, thicker in size due to your heavy makeout session, and you knew he was close.

This caused a sudden burst of energy to bubble inside you and you rode him harder and faster, not needing his guiding hands any longer. Angling your hips some, you almost screamed your lungs out as you felt Seokjin’s hard cock hit your prostate directly.

Seokjin most definitely felt that and moaned huskily as your warm walls clamped down tighter on his cock, almost forcing an early orgasm out of him. “You’re doing so good, baby- shiii-,”

Bringing his lips against your own in the last kiss before you came together, all of your moans were muffled and mixed with the creaking from the sofa and smacking sounds from your locked lips.

Feeling yourself edging closer and closer, you separated your lips from Seokjin’s ever so slowly, arching your entire figure backwards – only focusing on the electrifying ecstasy and wanting to bring you and your boyfriend over the edge together.

It took at least four more hard and sloppy trust from your hips and a few strokes for you to cum in your own hand, and Seokjin to follow right behind with a yell of your name.

You loved the feeling of his member twitching heavily inside you, emptying and filling your hole up with his warm seed and you showed no shame as you mewled in response.

Just then as the two of you almost had regained your breath and calmed down, you heard the entrance door open with a loud slam.

Panic suddenly filled your veins and made you freeze up before Seokjin more or less shoved you off his lap, stood up and pulled his pants up in a quite hurried fashion before he sprinted towards the kitchen.

There were no words to describe the betrayal you just experienced yet the small amusement in the catastrophic situation, but you soon followed after by copying his actions, fixing your hair, the messy pillows, checking for any stains and pull your abandoned turtleneck over your head. Luckily for you, Seokjin had insisted in you wearing one of his many soft pink sweaters earlier this day, and this one saved the day by hiding your freshly marked neck.

Breathing out in relief, you barely managed to make everything look relatively normal again before you felt the weight of an entire person leap onto your back. This caused you to stumble badly and if it hadn’t been for your quick reflexes and past experiences of this type of behaviour, both you and the person clinging to your back would be on the floor in this exact moment.

“Tae,” you whined, not bothering to show your annoyance towards the younger male who had to nuzzle his head in your bruised nape. “You almost made me drop you.”

“But you didn’t.” He replied almost too nonchalant.

“If you get smart with me I’ll drop you for real, Taehyung.” You fired back curtly, not in the mood for the younger’s antics after you and your boyfriend almost got caught red-handed.

This caused him to whine apologies, one after the other, followed by promises and a lot of formalities. When you called him by his full name instead of some nickname, he knew you meant it.

“I’m so sowwey, [Name]-hyung. Pwease fowgive me.”

You rolled your eyes when he started to babble cutely, trying to sound way younger.

“It’s fine,” you sighed, “just be careful okay? One day it’ll cause an accident and you might injure your foot or something.”

Taehyung just nodded and pouted, letting you know that he took it seriously.

“Now, let’s check what the others are up to, shall we?” You asked, feeling a bit bad for making the younger guilty, but as he cheered way too loudly into your ear, you regretted it instantly.

The first step you took on the way to the more used common room and open kitchen, also made you regret something that involved your beloved boyfriend. Due to both your hurried motions when the rest of the members came back, you had forgotten a small thing.

Kim motherfucking Seokjin hadn’t used a condom, and though both of you were clean, he had still come inside you – which you had not cleaned. You hadn’t even changed your underwear and now you had cum seeping out of your ass and down your thighs.

Taehyung must have felt your body stop so suddenly, and he almost pressed his face into your own to check if something was wrong. “[Name]?” He asked timidly, afraid that it was something he had done.

Swallowing your pride with a heavy heart, assured the poor boy that everything was fine, and you started to walk again. Each step felt heavy, not because of the extra weight, but because you weren’t able to focus on anything else than the feel of Jin’s cum creating a puddle in your boxers. You weren’t even able to pick up a single word of Taehyung’s mindless chatting about what he and the others had bought. Though it was poor comfort, you had at least black boxers and pants on.

As you arrived into the other and bigger common room, you were immediately greeted by Jimin and Jungkook rather excitedly and in one second you also feared for them suddenly jumping you.

“And off you go,” you said playfully and shook him off in a gentle manner.

“Do you wanna join us in a quick game before dinner, [Name]?” Jimin asked, stopping the other members of the maknae line in running towards Jungkook’s room.

“No, I think I’ll pass today, Chim, but thanks for the offer.” You replied and smiled slightly apologetically, only thinking of taking a quick shower and changing clothes. Jimin pouted a bit at your answer, not used to you refusing, but shrugged before running to catch up with the others.

As you walked towards the staircase the youngest just had run up, Hoseok and Namjoon surprised you some by stopping you and starting a conversation there was no way for you to escape. Trying your hardest not to show your inner pain and disgust, you humoured them the best you could before the conversation died out in a natural way. However, as you excused yourself upstairs, your boyfriend suddenly announced that the dinner was ready.

Wanting nothing more but to yell out in frustration and give Seokjin a good taste of the humiliation you were going through in the moment, you involuntary sat down at the table right above Seokjin so you were able to glare at him. Doing that, he sent you a rather confused expression at the glare he just received, plus some concern due to your painful expression as you sat down.

He figured you’d be sore, but not to that extent that it hurt when you sat down. You just continued to send him small glares throughout the dinner between eating and talking with the other members about their day so far.

Having had enough of your questionable glares, he mouthed a sour ‘what?’ at you.

He got a small pout in reply and you mouthing something he was unable to read. You repeated it a couple of times, careful about the other members not noticing your quiet communication before you slowly formed each word after the other.

‘I have’ Seokjin nodded for you to continue as he finally managed to understand the first words, ‘your’ another nod. ‘cum in my ass.’

As he saw the last words, his eyes bulged, and he choked on the food he just put into his mouth. Everyone turned their attention towards the oldest with concern and worry written over their faces, with the exception of your smug one and Taehyung and Jungkook stifling a quiet laugh.

“I’m okay, I just swallowed down the wrong path.” He smiled between small coughs, gesturing to everyone to finish eating.

The dinner finished quickly after that episode, none of the others noticing Seokjin’s flushed state and your face changing between a pained and pouting expression.

“So…” Jin dragged out a bit awkward, glancing at you from the side as you helped him with the dishes.

“I hate you so much.” Seokjin choked some again and almost dropped a plate. “First you shove me off and then I have to feel your cum drip down my legs the rest of the evening because no one left me alone.” You ended with a whine, taking off the rubber gloves.

“No offence but that sounds hot.”

You just slapped his arm, sending him another glare which caused him to chuckle at your small and angry figure.

“Fuck off, Jinnie,” you scoffed and avoided his eyes. Seokjin only smiled at that, knowing you weren’t that mad since you still called him by his nickname.

“I’ll let you change now, baby, but I wanna take a picture of your ass first.”

Another harsher smack was heard, followed by a groaning Jin.

He still got a picture.

[terror-that-flaps-in-the-evening]

A Long Time Coming

“When you’re tired of me hanging around, let me know, and I’ll go,” Drake’s words floated across the garage, breaking the semi-silence that had been permeating through the room. Of course, it was never really silent when the two of them were hanging out. They always had a Darkwing episode playing in the background, despite the fact that the two of them were usually doing their own thing by this point.

It was just sort of a comfort to be in the presence of his new crime-fighting partner. Drake didn’t really know what it was about him, but even when they were just sprawled across the couch, Drake’s feet haphazardly thrown in Launchpad’s lap as the larger one of the two scribbled away in a coloring book, he felt at home. Despite the fact that Drake felt so at-home though, it wasn’t his home and it wasn’t his place to lay about all day until it was time for them to go patrolling. 

“I never get tired of having company,” Launchpad replied, tapping Drake’s foot with his crayon before going back to intently scribbling away at his page.

“Well, yeah, I don’t either, I just mean, y’know…” Drake gestured around broadly, nearly knocking himself off the couch in the process. “Ermm, I don’t want to be annoying.” 

“Well, joke’s on you, because we have a strict no-annoying rule in this household! Or, well, the household part that’s mine to live in…? In this garage!” Launchpad poked Drake’s foot with the crayon again.

“As in I’m not allowed to be annoying?” Drake tensed up a little, unsure of what Launchpad meant. Was this his way of telling him that he was no longer welcome? Was he being annoying and breaking the rules that Launchpad had--

“It means no one’s annoying here, because no one can annoy me,” Launchpad said, but before Drake had a chance to respond, he held out his hand. Drake very nearly questioned why, but once he heard the opening note of the end credits, he realized why. So, the two of them hummed and ‘sang’ along to the end credits, making saxophone noises unabashedly loud. Drake grinned, realizing that his fears were quite out of place. After all, if Launchpad found him annoying, why would they be sitting together on the couch being total dorks together?

Drake tried to go back to reading the story he had been perusing on his phone, but for some reason, he kept finding himself reading a paragraph only to find that he hadn’t gathered any of the information in. It wasn’t until he zoned out completely - staring forward at the duck in front of him - that he realized that it wasn’t just his brain distracting him for once. Drake felt his cheeks heating up immediately.

Nope! He couldn’t go there. He couldn’t let himself start to think of his one real friend like… that. Drake yanked his feet out of Launchpad’s lap, pulling them as close to himself as possible. Surely it would go away if he was out of the sphere of warmth that radiated from the other. He could feel his heart pounding away in his chest though, taking over his every thought. He tried to break himself away from his consciousness tunneling in on his heartbeat.

Launchpad was his partner in crime. Launchpad was his best friend. Launchpad was not someone who’d be interested in a wreck like Drake. Launchpad was not someone that Drake was worthy of. He’d keep his distance. No more of their laying on the couch together, falling asleep on the floor together after a long night, leaning on each other at the movies--- wait.

Wait, wait, wait. Drake felt his heart speed up even faster as he realized that he’d been subconsciously indulging his love-interest that he hadn’t even realized he’d had for quite some time now. Launchpad was probably so incredibly done with him by this point What had he been doing? Was this really what his life had boiled down to? Leave it to Drake Mallard to only realizing he’d been crushing on someone after presenting it ever so clearly to everyone but himself.

“Uhh, Drake?” Drake heard a sound over the pounding of his heart, but his brain was running through its cycle of ‘you’re an idiot, Drake’ too quickly for him to really understand it.

He forced his eyes open - eyes that he hadn’t realized he had shut - only to squeeze them shut again when he saw Launchpad, ever so close to him. He managed to squeeze one eye open enough to see what was going on. Launchpad was leaning towards him, his eyes wide as he stared down at Drake, who was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he had managed to curl himself up into a ball on the end of the couch without thinking.

“I should probably go,” Drake said, attempting to move his legs to stand, but they felt like jelly even before he managed to move them. So, instead, he went with his second plan of just… rolling off the couch. He landed on the floor with a thud, but at least the shock allowed him to convince him limbs that they needed to work with him. His brain was screaming at him that he needed to escape - he needed to get out before he said something he regretted. He couldn’t let himself ruin the perfect friendship with some stupid, muddled feelings.

“Drake, wait,” Launchpad stared wide eyed at him, causing Drake’s heart to skip a beat when he noticed the pain in the other’s eyes. “What’s… You’re acting weird.”

‘You’re acting weird’ -- the words echoed through Drake’s brain over and over, bouncing around the depths of his mind like one of those old DVD player screensavers - he was doing it again. He was ruining the one thing that made him feel like he was at peace with the world. 

“I’m sorry,” Drake managed to squeak out, scared to speak a word for fear of what his mouth would say without permission from his brain. He struggled to his feet, taking a few steps back, yet unable to tear his eyes away from the face of the one he had been peacefully hanging out with only a few moments earlier. Launchpad’s mouth was hanging slightly open, his eyes darting around rapidly, mostly going to and from Drake. He was breathing heavily, despite the fact that not much had happened as far as Drake was aware. But that was only as far as Drake was aware. Who knew how long he had been tunnel visioning on the couch, only able to hear his thoughts and his blood rushing in his ears.

He saw Launchpad take a step towards him, and his brain began to scream at him that he needed to leave. He needed to go, before he let things get worse than they already were. He needed to back out of the situation, somehow make his way home, send out an innocuous text that insinuated that he was not panicking a few moments ago, no. He was just… feeling sick. Yeah, obviously, he was just feeling sick, that would work as an excuse -- if he could only force his feet to move. His plan required a swift escape for it to work.

So, Drake hopped up onto his shaky legs, swaying slightly but staying up, as he was so apt at doing.He mumbled a very quick goodbye, along with some mumbled apologies and he started walking for the door. If he could just get out of there, then he could go home, distance himself just enough to get rid of his feelings, and pretend like nothing ever happened. Launchpad would forget his freak out, and he’d probably be happier for the distance that Drake was giving him. 

He would have been able to walk out and enact his self-destructive plan if not for one thing - Launchpad grabbed his shoulder lightly. “Drake, wait,” he heard spoken behind him in that voice that was making his heart speed up against his will.

“I need to go,” he repeated quietly, struggling to not blurt out everything - the reasons he needed to leave, how scared he was to mess up this friendship that meant the world to him, the fact that he was having trouble convincing himself to tear his eyes away from Launchpad…. He could go on, but he needed to say absolutely none of it.

“What’s wrong?” Launchpad was breathless as he spoke, eyes darting around wildly only releasing his grip on Drake’s shoulder when Drake took another step back. “Did I do something wrong?” 

Drake’s eyes grew wide at that. He couldn’t leave letting Launchpad blame himself for Drake’s follies. That just wouldn’t do… But he had to pick his words carefully, he couldn’t just go blurting out words all crazily, especially not in this state of mind. “You’re perfect, you couldn’t do anything wrong…” He slapped his hands over his beak, stepping backwards until his back was flush with the wall, leaning on it as his legs threatened to stop holding him up. “I-I didn’t, I mean, well, not that you’re… I just…” Drake blabbered and blabbered, fighting against his brain’s tendency to blurt out whatever came to his mind.

“Drake, calm down,” Launchpad took a step closer, holding his hands up as if approaching an injured animal, “Come here, okay?” Launchpad took another half step closer, opening his arms up a little further. “You can tell me what’s up,” he stopped where he was, luckily for Drake still a few feet away. His open arms made Drake long to flee into them, to pour his heart out to his partner.

He could see what would happen though. He could just imagine how as he told the horrible secret of his crush to Launchpad how the hug would stiffen and eventually end with him being pushed away. Disgusting he’d no doubt be called. It happened before, and it’d happen again. “Just forget about it,” Drake mumbled, taking a sidestep towards the door away from Launchpad’s welcoming arms.

“C’mon, you can tell me anything,” Launchpad said, his brow furrowed, “We don’t have to watch all of my favorite episodes anymore if that’s the problem. You can choose the next one, I promise!” 

Drake felt a smile creep up on him against all odds, grinning at Launchpad’s misconception that his panic was at something so simple as what episode of Darkwing Duck they watched. If only it was something as simple as that. “I’d watch any of them with you,” Drake blurted out yet another incriminating statement, whipping the smile right back into the pit it had managed to crawl out of. “B-But I really have to go…”

He took another sidestep towards the door, cringing at the frown that was entrenched on Launchpad’s normally infallibly happy face. He couldn’t stand the fact that he was the one putting that horrible look on the face of the person most important to him. He’d only be doing more harm if he stayed though. It was the lesser of two evils, but evil nonetheless.

“At least let me drive you home!” Launchpad practically yelled his words through his distress, dashing over to the counter by the fridge to grab the keys to the limo. “You can’t get too tired before patrol!” 

Ah, patrol, Drake realized he had that to dread as well - it always ended up with the two of them fighting in close quarters, Launchpad catching Drake more often than not and helping him get back on his feet. Drake didn’t know if he’d be able to get back up that night, what with his heart beating so fast that his legs were jelly and the nagging want in the back of his mind to just melt into Launchpad’s arms. He shook his head as if that would expel the traitorous thoughts from his mind. 

“I don’t think I’ll patrol tonight,” Drake mumbled, already loathing the words that he knew he’d have to speak next, “Gizmoduck can handle one night alone.” He spoke those words through gritted teeth using every ounce of self-control that he had. But if it meant keeping Launchpad McQuack in his life, he could even stoop so low as to imply that he considered the Mechanical Menace to be a real hero.

“Buh,” Launchpad cocked his head at Drake, “Uhhh,” He cocked it the other direction, squinting intensely in Drake’s direction, “Is this a prank?” His words were as tentative as the smile that was just barely creeping up the edges of his beak, “Are you, uhh, feeling alright, DW?”

“I’m perfectly fine,” Drake squeaked out, barely breathing. He needed to go. He needed to escape the feelings, hole up in his house, get back down to basics. Maybe spend the night practicing his fighting, or maybe he could manage to sneak out and go on a little patrol all on his own, despite the fact that Launchpad would most likely very much protest that, repeating that even superheroes needed someone to catch their back, as he often did when Drake voiced his concerns that Launchpad shouldn’t get hurt for Drake's own personal quest as Darkwing. They were partners in this thing, Launchpad would tell him again and again, which Drake knew as true, but still, what with everything going on in his mind, maybe he needed a night of --

“You’re going to sneak out on your own, aren’t you!” Launchpad exclaimed throwing a finger in Drake’s direction, “Oh and to think I thought this was  a real problem.. DW we’re partners! We’re two halves of a sandwich cookie and the bad guys are the cream filling - they’ll go everywhere if there’s not the two of us to hold em down, yknow?” 

Drake dragged himself out of his rambling thoughts - freaking out all over again when he realized they had been revolving entirely around Launchpad yet again. He had to play it off. Play it cool. Be the complete and polar opposite of Drake Mallard. “I’m just tired,” he said, averting his eyes. He felt as if Launchpad would be able to sense the lie, see it lying deep within his treacherous soul should he look him in the eyes.

“You’re lying,” Launchpad shot back with a laugh, leaving Drake with the terrifying thought that maybe Launchpad could see into his thoughts even without that eye contact… That’d explain why he was always so eerily caring of Drake’s every need… Drake shook that thought out of his head very physically as well though, seeing as it was irrational even for him. (Not before testing his theory by screaming some very loud thoughts in Launchpad’s direction, of course.)

“I, well, I don’t really think that… It’s not really… I just need to go, okay!” Drake’s words started as a low mumble but as he became more and more lost in the battle of not destroying everything with a misplaced outburst, they built up into an outburst of a different kind. Why must he always end up floundering in a dried up sea of words? He couldn’t help but be hopelessly aware that he was making himself look like a fool in front of Launchpad, no matter how hopeless any crush on the man might be.

“You can tell me what’s wrong,” Launchpad spoke his words softly, reaching an arm out for Drake initially, but retracting it quickly with a frown when he saw Drake flinch.

“I can’t tell you,” Drake’s words jumped out of his mouth forcefully, his words breathy and rushed, “You mean too much to chase you away with some dumb crus---” Drake clapped his hands over his beak dragging them down his face a little too harshly as he realized just exactly what he’d said. It was over. He’d lost.

“You…” Launchpad squinted at him for a second, causing Drake to press himself deeper against the wall. Maybe if he leaned on it hard enough, it could take him in, let him live his life as mere bricks void of any thoughts or emotions to ruin his non-life. 

“I know, it’s the dumbest thing ever, and I swear I won’t let it get in the way of our crime fighting. Completely normal, I’ll act. It can go back! Pretend I never spoke? Rewind time? I just don't want to lose you, that is, I don’t want to lose you as a friend?” Drake spoke all of his words straight into his hands, only peeking out between his fingers at his final semi-question. For some reason though, some inexplicable reason, instead of the disgusted glare Drake was expecting, Launchpad had a grin larger than life.

“You too!” His words came bursting out in an exuberant barely contained yell, engulfing Drake’s spirits and lifting them up as they echoed throughout the garage.

“Me… too…?” Drake questioned, not wanting to misinterpret. He couldn’t get his hopes up. No matter how much he knew they had already risen beyond his control, Drake tried to slow his heartbeat, to force himself back to normal, or even force himself back into panic mode rather than the disconcerting feeling of hope that he knew would be crushed.

“Well, I didn’t want you to think that I liked you because you’re Darkwing, because let’s face it that’s an added bonus, and I didn’t know how to tell you, and I didn’t know if you’d feel the same, and we just have so much fun here I didn’t want to interrupt it, and you feel the same way!” Launchpad’s words were a blur, spoken way too fast for Drake to catch each one, but still the ones he caught rang in his ears over and over. The same way? Launchpad… liked him?

“You…” Drake’s words were lost under the rush of his heartbeat in his own ears, “Me…?” He tried his hardest to form an actual sentence, but all that came out were single words - barely even that if he had to be honest with himself.

He felt himself engulfed in a huge hug from the much larger man. Honestly, just that feeling of warmth, the smell of leather, oil, bubblegum, and a little bit of mustard wafting in his nose, and the knowledge that the man hugging him actually liked him (He liked Drake Mallard…. Him!) eased away Drake’s nagging thoughts that it was too good to be true. He managed to lift his arms up to wrap them firmly around the other man, finally letting the joy of the situation sink in. Launchpad McQuack… Probably the most desirable man alive… He liked Drake Mallard. 

“I guess I should have spoken up sooner,” Drake mumbled into Launchpad’s chest, his grin now unsupressable. Maybe he was destined to have a happy ending after all. In that moment, Drake could see it all ahead - he could see the rest of his life spent with the man hugging him. And quite a perfect life it would be so long as he spent it with Launchpad.

[overlyobsessedgaygal]

Mouse Trap Part 3

Part 1&2 | ao3 link

Taglist:

@the-office-cat

@lemonyellowlogic

@vintage-squid

@dani-jeanso

@justanotherpurplebutterfly

@pastel-princey

@little-borrower-boy

@accordion2research

@randommuffinyt

@callboxkat

@twilight-glow

@kitkat-kiwikat

The kitchen was filled with tense silence as Patton regained his breath. Logan could hear the worried footsteps of Roman in the living room as he hovered closer to the kitchen. Virgil sat still, letting Patton get a grip on his surroundings.

    “Are you okay?” Virgil spoke softly. Softer than a whisper. The human expected the small borrower to nod or answer the question with nonverbal communication so when the small voice broke the tense silence Virgil could only raise his eyebrows in surprise.

     “I… I am okay.” The words were unsure but they were spoken to a human and that was better than any of them could have expected. “Thank you… for not letting me fall.”

     Virgil didn't respond, not wanting to say something to scare the scared borrower, so Logan talked for him. “Of course, as I said Virgil will not let any more harm come to you.”

     Patton looked up at him and swallowed and then looked back to Virgil. He didn't meet Virgil's eye yet but he looked near his face, which was an improvement. “Th-thanks, Sir. I'm really grateful for you not crushing me or leaving me.”

     The words made Virgil's heartbreak and he had to speak up then. “Hey, don't sweat it. I would never leave somebody to suffer like that, I'm just sorry I caused it in the first place.”

   Patton instantly began shaking his head. “It wasn't your fault. Humans have traps down all the time. It's my fault for setting it off.”

      Virgil was about to deny the claim when Logan cut in. He knew that Virgil could - and would - blame himself forever if this went on. Roman and him shared that stubborn trait.

      “Bringing up that topic, I believe you said that extreme hunger was the justification for such a risky endeavor. Perhaps a meal would be to our benefit?”

    “Oh,” Virgil said softly. He sat up slowly, adjusting his hands so that Patton was comfortable and didn't get jostled. “Roman could make us something. I think all I have is noodles and cereal.”

   Logan nodded and prepared to call for the other human when Patton spoke up, softly but urgently. “No!” He said quickly. “Cereal is fine, just no more humans. Please.”

    The way the borrower was shivering in Virgil's palm made him worry. The borrower was most likely lacking vital nutrients that cereal couldn't provide. Virgil glanced to Logan, hoping he could find a solution but instead he looked just as conflicted.

     “I could have Roman prepare food for us and leave it for us in the living room, then Virgil will be able to transfer it to us without us having to be in contact with Roman.”

     Patton agreed with the idea and it was all Virgil could do to not jump up in his excitement at having an actual plan. He knew that his best friend would hate the plan and would want to meet their new small friend.

     Logan nodded once. “That is satisfactory. Virgil if you will assist me to the room so I may speak to Roman.”

    Patton watched with fascination as the human and borrower displayed a equal and respectful relationship. The humans were responsive to what Logan said and Logan, in turn, gave opinions on human matters.

     It went against everything Patton had ever learned. Humans were evil, they were bad. But, hadn't Patton believed that every creature had good somewhere deep inside them. Maybe, these three were proof that Patton was right.

   When Logan and Virgil came back into the kitchen Patton was sitting with one leg curled underneath him and the injured one left straight out.

    “Crutches would do good. I wonder if Roman still has a hold on those crutches from when Thomas stepped on me,” Logan pondered. Both Virgil and Patton gave him a horrified look.

    “Thomas stepped on you?” Virgil was the one to ask. His voice was horrified enough to match Patton's expression.

    Logan awkwardly cleared his throat. “Ah, yes, well that was when we told you that Roman dropped me as we didn't want to alarm you.”

     “That is why I wanted to keep you safe, Logan!” The panic coloring Virgil's voice was unmistakable and Patton's breath caught in his throat.

     “Virgil, do your deep breathing. This was quite some time ago. You shouldn't panic now,” Logan attempted to use logic to calm the irrational fear his friend was facing.

    “I should have kept you safe,” Virgil argued. He didn't take his breaths and Logan knew the downward spiral that was coming.

    “And how would you have done that, Virgil? Locking me up away from anything that could harm me? I'm four inches tall, Virgil, I will always be in danger.”

    “Don't accuse me of locking you up. You know I wouldn't!”

     “Then how to you plan to keep me safe?”

   “Keeping you away from Roman sounds like an immediate upgrade!”

    Logan fell silent. He couldn't really argue back at that. Roman was loud and reckless, he rarely thought ahead. Roman’s lack of thought was what led to Logan being nearly crushed by Thomas.

   Luckily Thomas had been a nice human and apologized with a promise to keep Logan and his kind a secret. With all that in mind, Logan could see Virgil's thought process. If it weren't someone as decent as Thomas, perhaps Logan would've suffered a much worse fate.

   Roman was kind, though. He built Logan his own home in the borrower's favorite color, he created smaller objects for borrower use, he knew everything about Logan. He was, for all purposes, Logan's best friend.

   Virgil was threatening to take Logan away from his best friend.

   Logan's eyes narrowed on the human, who was already to close to a breakdown. “Roman is not an issue, Virgil. An accident happened and was taken care of. Worse things could have happened but Roman took care of me, you have no right to talk about him like that.”

    Virgil scoffed at Logan's words. “Roman took care of you?” Virgil asked incredulously. “Roman only took care of you because he got you hurt!”

     “Because you've never caused an injury to someone and took care of them after?” Logan said, glancing quickly to where a terrified Patton was glancing between the two.

     Virgil instantly jerked back as he took in the fearful expression on the injured man's face. He couldn't even take care of him right, he was scaring him. It was all Logan's fault. It always is.

     “I-I didn't mean to get so loud,” Virgil's voice dropped.

    Patton swallowed hard. “It's… o-ok-okay.”

  Virgil shook his head. “It really isn't. I should know better. I'll leave you and Logan alone now. You probably prefer me gone.”

     At the last sentence Patton made a noise of shocked distress and Logan called out to Virgil to wait. The tone of voice in which he spoke had both borrowers worried. The manner of it was much too diffident.

    When the sound of a door softly closing echoed into the kitchen the two borrowers shared a look. “Is he going to be alright?” Patton asked softly.

   Logan sighed heavily. “I believe so. He has these episodes, not often but enough for me to not be concerned. He shall return to normal once Roman comes to speak with him.”

    Patton nodded, although he seemed unsure. “If he's going to be alright…” Patton looked around the kitchen awkwardly. “You seem to know him well? How long have you been a pet?”

    Logan tried to stop the icy glare he sent Patton's way.

   “Sorry, not a pet, I meant how long have you known the humans?” Patton corrected himself. He didn't want to offend Logan, even if he didn't truly believe he was free.

    “I've known Virgil for about two years now. Roman for two and a half years,” Logan answered, choosing to ignore Patton's slip up.

    Patton raised his eyebrows. Two and a half years. That was longer than he was expecting, he didn't think that any borrower, even Logan could last that long at a human’s mercy.

    “How did you meet them?”

[cherryalt]

Beginning

Intro: Wednesday 05/06/19 - So I’ve been wanting to start a short journal about what I do, how I do it, and just document some things in regards to my life. The issue is I am notoriously known for starting something and never going ahead with the task at hand so, it really wouldn’t surprise me if I give this up after a week or so. Nevertheless I am going to do a beginning post, because why the f**k not never hurt to try something new. It’s currently cold, I’m drinking tea, and wondering how I should upload this cute selfie of myself onto instagram. By the time this post is done, that selfie will be up and... this whole sentence will be pointless :) In this post i’ll go through some pondering things, experiences, and also a bonus paragraph down the bottom :)

Podcast?: I’ve been going to gym for the past three weeks now, just to give myself that little bit of get up and go I really need and... it’s been going surprisingly well. I mean, haven’t been getting out of bed as early as I would like, but I have been getting to the gym and doing a decent amount of cardio. And while exercising I’ve been doing something I don’t normally do. Listen to podcasts, art podcasts in fact, and man - sometimes it really does give me the drive to keep pushing through some of the stuff I’m facing every day. Just hearing some of the misery and hardships that other artists face, is really helping me provide a positive outlook on my day. Especially with the traumatic experience of my last *creative* job, causing me to dive into an existential depression. We live in such a visual culture because of social media applications, where all this status is represented by high living, beauty, and large numbers; and that this is what the actual representation of the artist is. Yet completely ignoring other factors and points which have more importance and significance over the work. And sometimes, so many people just forget having a laugh at all the serious wank that is produced today is more than often really how art should actually be received. And that’s a positive not a negative. I’ll link the references of what art podcasts I’ve been listening to down the bottom.

So this all got me to thinking... what if I did a podcast? Would it be engaging? Would people listen? Is my voice pleasing to the ear? Am I just copying my flatmate, or am I merely just inspired by him? These are all questions I’ve been thinking about, and also... am I as a person with feelings and opinions INTERESTING? ? ? I feel like to some extent I am, maybe, hopefully - is that self-centered to say? I just think I’m over the top, so, charisma I can supply. So I’ve kind of been mentally brainstorming some ideas around about what I could talk about, trending topics, the execution, the attraction - and I think I’m gonna take the dive. I’m inviting my friend Gen along, who I think would really help support the engagement and just keep the whole thing entertaining. Title idea - Shan & Gen Talk About Shiz. It’s a working progress.

Panic Attack: On other news, two nights ago I had the unfortunate experience of having a panic attack completely out of the blue which was definitely not fun. The whole weekend I had been feeling quite shit, some things just weren’t adding up, and for the whole time I was in the state of a bad mood. So before that, me and Gen had spent some time working on the creation of our *handmade* tote bags (which is going very slowly through trail and error). So after that, I came back home and did what I always do - hopped on the computer to do some work. I’m currently working for a small charity and *attempting* to design some motion graphics for them. So while I sat there at my computer looking at the screen, my head just became blank all of a sudden. I was very tired. Very tired. My breathing became slow and hard. The idea of bed wasn’t an option, I had to go to bed. So I slowly, walked up the stairs, jumped into bed, and put myself under the covers. I kept there in silence with my eyes open, for around twenty minutes. I truly believed I was lying. To then shorten things up, I knew I was in a bad place. I don’t know what caused it, how it happened, or why it was happening; but I knew I needed help. So I did what I always do in these situations - I called my mum up. I spoke with her for about an hour, doing breathing exercises and listened to her voice. I then sat up and started building a small nano-block figurine of a sexy bunny girl?? thanks japan. I messaged Gen to get some Valium, so she came over helped me out and just had some casual conversation with me. Thanks to drugs, I ended up falling asleep peacefully in the comfort of my sheets. Luckily the next day I woke up feeling a lil woozy, and a small headache - but recovered from my incident. 

Conclusion: I could write a whole lot more, but I think I’ll keep it short and sweet for now and leave those other topics for another day. This week has been a challenge one for me, and truthfully I feel every week for me is challenging all in different aspects. But it’s nice to know I’ve got people rely on, and come help me when I’m having an emergency. I think lately these downfalls all come to the factor that I am as a person creatively lost a bit. I did a degree which I don’t want to utilize, I had a job which I fucking hated, and the capitalist nature in which our society functions is depressing. So what does this mean for me? Well, I don’t know haha - but I don’t think it hurts to just keep living, trying out new avenues in creativity and just experiment with things. And whilst I’m not making any money off of these little projects, I’m gaining experience in new fields and most importantly having fun with it. Fingers crossed I won’t be receiving any future panic attacks, but *just* in case, I did go to the doctors and have gotten some good stuff for those emergency situations. So until next time, if you’ve made it this far thanks for being fab. I’ll post some cute things below. And if you did read this and enjoy it, please message me and let me know - will actually make my month lol.

Bonus:

PODCASTS:

- Abbi Jacobson, A Piece of Work  https://www.wnycstudios.org/shows/pieceofwork (love this, very fun chill and good vibes. Not too intense)

- Honor Eastly, Starving Artist https://starvingartistpodcast.com/ (so grounded, so real. Chill and fun, and hit some pretty cool points. Longer episodes though, so settle in)

- Jennifer Dasal, Art Curious http://www.artcuriouspodcast.com/artcuriouspodcast (some of these I’m so into I am like oh my god, yas yas. Some are a bit eh, boring. But really good to get into if you wanna learn more about art history!)

CURRENT READ:

- Omar Kholeif, Goodbye World! Looking at Art in the Digital Age https://www.amazon.com/Omar-Kholeif-Goodbye-Looking-Digital/dp/3956793099 (trying to get into digital art more as a style, really vibing this book. Good references too! Tad bit expensive though for a small book)

- Lars Martinson, Tonoharu https://www.amazon.com/Tonoharu-Part-One-Lars-Martinson/dp/0980102324 (I don’t know if I recommend this or not! It’s all about that white person living in Japan experience - so I feel if you picked this up and had no knowledge about the situation the whole book would come off as awkward or weird. But I really enjoyed it!)

CURRENT MUSIC:

- Nilufer Yanya, Miss Universe https://niluferyanya.bandcamp.com/album/miss-universe (I really dug this album, its like that digital anxiety themed pop album. which I am so in the mood for right now. It also gives me chill the xx vibes! I recommend)

OTHER:

Pic of me hi xoxo

My nanoblock bunny creation. Complete with cleavage.

[natasha-cole]

That’s What Friends Are For Chapter 11: The Friendships That End

Pairing: Rob Benedict x Reader

Chapter Summary: Reader is suddenly bombarded with ex friends trying to contact her. She’s only trying to move on from it all. Someone shows up to apologize, but will she let them?

Word Count: 2833

Warnings: angst

Notes: I’m back!!

Catch Up: Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4  Chapter 5  Chapter 6  Chapter 7Chapter 8  Chapter 9  Chapter 10

Now that you had completely removed yourself from the entire situation that had caused you so much trouble, you had to admit, you were already starting to feel better. Yes, the worst of it was that you still hadn’t spoken to Rob in a very long time. It honestly felt like you had lost a large part of yourself with the way that had all ended. You still had Ruth and even Mark who took the time to check in on you and your new adventures. It wasn’t the same circle of friends that you had started with, but you were thankful to at least have them sticking with you.

You were still bitter over the way Rob had treated you, and the way that he had taken your song and recorded it on Jason’s album. It seemed that no matter how hard you tried to push thoughts of him from your mind, they infiltrated their way back without you being able to avoid it. Sometimes, you’d just think about how angry you were with him; and sometimes, you’d think about how much you really missed him.

To keep yourself from thinking about the entire thing, you had finally agreed to work with Jason. He had been bugging you for years about recording an album; and now that you were jobless, it seemed like the perfect time to do so. You had selected a few covers that you wanted to record and even worked on writing some originals. Singing with the band st SNS concerts had always been fun, but getting the opportunity to work on this yourself was an even better feeling.

You hadn’t expected a lot of things though. You should have guessed that Jason would invite Billy along to play guitar for the album. You felt sort of uncomfortable at first having one of Rob’s friends working with you on this, but your uneasiness faded when you reminded yourself that all of your friends were also Rob’s friends. There was no avoiding it, and at least Billy and Jason didn’t let the rumors and drama get in the way of working their asses off for your album.

The last thing you expected though, was to suddenly have Rob try to contact you again. He had backed off like you had asked him to, and honestly, it was sort of hurtful that he stopped trying to make things right completely. You hadn’t heard from him in a long time and just assumed that this was the end of any shred of friendship the two of you might have had left between you.

Today, you were holed up in the studio with Jason. After you had decided to leave the show and had already filmed your final episode, you knew it was time to move on and do something new. You could no longer do the whole convention thing, not with the way everyone else had been treating you. So, you decided to take Jason’s advice and work on music for a while. For a long time, you had people around you tell you that you needed to record; and aside from the cover that you had done for Jason’s last album, you had never focused on music before.

You were taking a short break, having lunch when you got the first phone call. You scrunched up your face when you saw Rob’s name appear on your phone. You were suddenly overcome with sadness again, and a hint of anger. You hadn’t completely moved past how he had treated you, and you still blamed him for the way everyone else seemed to turn on you. A small part of you wanted to answer, just to hear his voice again. But, as you stared at the screen, you thought better of putting yourself through whatever it was that he wanted to put you through and rejected the call.

You turned back to your lunch only to receive a text message immediately after. You felt your heart race and ache at the same time; hurt that he was still willing to put you through this. You forced yourself not to even read the message, no matter how much you sort of wanted to.

“Let me guess,” Jason said as he watched you. “Rob?”

You glanced up at him, having nearly forgotten that he was there. You were so lost in thought over why Rob was trying to contact you so suddenly.

“Yeah,” you mumbled. You tossed your phone aside, not wanting to give in to reading his text or listen to the voicemail that had popped up.

“You’re not going to answer him?”

“No,” you said simply.

“Maybe he’s calling to apologize.”

“I doubt it. Even if that was the case, the apology would come too late.”

“Look, I don’t know what happened between the two of you,” Jason began. He moved to sit next to you on the couch that you occupied, nudging you playfully with a smile. “But, I do know that I hate seeing you not talking. Whatever went on has been eating at him, and it’s obviously still getting to you. Maybe it’s better to just face it and talk about it.”

“Look, I would love to just magically fix things between us, I really would. The problem is that I know exactly why he’s calling me. I know why he feels the need to apologize. I guarantee that I open that text message and there’s an ‘I’m sorry’ right there. But, if he’s saying sorry now, it’s only because he wants something.”

“You’re still mad about him stealing your song,” Jason said with a soft smile. You chuckled, amused that he was at least attempting to keep the mood light.

“Don’t even get me started on the song.”

He smiled at you again and kept quiet. He was probably the one person who didn’t know a lot about what was going on. Luckily, he had kept himself out of it. You were grateful for that at least.

After a long day in the studio, you returned to the quiet of your home. It had been the same lately; you kept yourself busy with work all day, and stayed in every night. The things you used to do no longer seemed relevant now. You enjoyed the time to yourself.

You changed into something comfortable and called in an order for delivery. Normally, on a Friday night, you would be out with friends; having dinner and drinks. You didn’t have many friends any more. And, the one friend that you used to spend all your time with was no longer in the picture.

You still hadn’t moved on completely from the falling out with Rob. In fact, the occasional thoughts of him still hurt. On nights like this, you were constantly struggling with the thoughts that maybe you should call him and see if this wasn’t something the two of you could fix. You had been so close for so long, it was physically painful to not have him in your life anymore.

Tonight, the usual need to call or text had all but disappeared since he seemed to be desperately trying to contact you. The phone calls and texts hadn’t stopped today. Every call went to voicemail; messages that you couldn’t bring yourself to listen to. Every text went unread. And, with each one that came through on your phone; the pain that you had felt through all of this only intensified.

You considered Jason’s words again. Maybe Rob was trying to call to apologize. But, you’d remember how every call and text from him leading up to the moment when he stopped talking to you had only been about one thing. You never viewed him as that guy. It was never a worry in your relationship that he could be using you. Until he was anyway.

You sat on your couch, watching TV as you ate your lonely meal. The delivery boy had become your best friend as of late; always adding a few extra fortune cookies to your order when he dropped it off. You carefully picked one of the cookies, cracking it open and reading the little slip of paper inside.

“The friendship that came to an end, never really began,” you read out loud to yourself. You frowned, feeling the sting of that one. Tossing the paper aside, you made a mental note to maybe lay off of the emotionally taxing takeout for a while.

Just as you had found a comfortable position on the couch and began to get lost in some reality TV show that you had turned it to, there was a soft knock at the front door. You got up from the couch and padded over to the door carefully looking through the peephole and wondering who on earth would be showing up at your place at this hour.

Seeing Briana standing on the other side of your door was unexpected though. You pulled back quickly, holding your breath as your heart began to race. The last person that you wanted to see, even more than Rob, was Briana. It wouldn’t be a lie for you to say that she had played a big part in making your life hell recently.

Your panic turned to anger as you stepped away from the door, hoping that she would just think you weren’t home. You really didn’t need to hear any more from her, so you stayed quiet.

“Y/N, I know you’re home,” you heard her say, her voice almost muffled from the outside of the door. “Your car is here and the lights are on.”

You stayed quiet, not really knowing what to say to her right now.

“Look,” she continued. “I owe you an apology. A huge apology. I was so horrible to you. Please, if you can hear me, let me apologize for real.”

Although you were still angry with her and very upset, your curiosity about what she was saying got the best of you. You hesitantly opened the door just a crack and peeked out at her. She gave you a sympathetic smile when she saw you finally.

“Can I come in?” She asked. You hesitated again before opening the door further for her. She walked in and you closed the door behind her, your heart still racing as you turned to face her. It had been a long time since you had seen her as well, and you hadn’t parted on good terms with anyone.

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you, but you won’t answer my calls and messages.”

“Forgive me if I was trying to avoid being treated like shit again,” you replied flatly.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” she replied sheepishly, a look of instant regret washing over her face.

You shrugged, trying to hold back the tears that you had spent so much time pushing away.

“It doesn’t matter,” you said. “It is what it is.”

“You left the show,” she pointed out. “And the cons.”

You nodded, still not sure if you were ready to have this conversation with her.

“Why?”

“I didn’t really have much to stick around for,” you said dryly.

She guiltily stared down at the floor for a moment before responding.

“I am so sorry. I made a huge mistake. I just saw what was going on, overheard some things, and acted without thinking. I should’ve talked to you instead.”

“I get it,” you responded. “I know it all looked really bad from the outside. It’s my own fault really.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Thank you for apologizing,” you said quickly. “I appreciate it. But, it doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t fix anything.”

“We all know what really happened. Rob told us everything.”

You glanced up at her, feeling yourself start to tear up again at her words. Rob had apparently finally come clean about it all.

“He was so upset that you weren’t there last weekend. He didn’t even know that you had quit.”

“Yeah, sure,” you said as you rolled your eyes.

“No, really. He’s really worried and he feels terrible.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Hasn’t he been trying to get a hold of you?”

“I don’t read his texts,” you replied, “and I certainly don’t answer his calls or listen to his voicemails.”

“Maybe you should…”

“Stop it!” You shouted. You felt your face flush with anger. None of it mattered anymore. The persistence of Briana and even Jason saying that you needed to hear Rob out didn’t matter. You understood what all of this was. “It’s over. Nothing that he has to say to me is worth listening to.”

“Maybe it is though.”

“No! Do you have any idea what it’s like to have your best friend hate you? Do you know how it feels to be close to someone for so long only to have a stupid mistake destroy everything? He got what he wanted from me, there’s no reason to put myself through having to see him again.”

“Because you still love him and he hurt you?”

“I don’t love him like that. He was my friend.”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I mean, I don’t sleep with my friends.”

“Oh, so you’re still judging me?”

“No, I just- The two of you love each other.”

Before you could respond, she held a hand up to silence you.

“Shut it,” she demanded. “We all know that he’s always been crazy about you. We all assumed you felt the same way. We also figured that maybe it wasn’t meant to be for the two of you, especially not when Julia came into the picture.”

“That’s not what it was.”

“Really? So, you’re saying that you didn’t hate Julia when they met? You were okay with how things progressed between them?”

“It was none of my business,” you said. You turned from her, making your way back to the couch where you sat down. You were frustrated now and sort of hated that she was here to dredge all of this up again.

Briana followed you, taking a seat on the other side of the couch. She stayed quiet for a moment, glancing around the room as she considered what to say next.

“He loves you,” she began finally. “I don’t know details about what happened, but I do know that he’s a mess right now over whatever he did to you.”

“Look,” you said with a sigh, “thank you for apologizing. Really, it means a lot. Maybe I’m too forgiving, but I sort of don’t hate you for the things you did anymore. Rob however… that’s all between me and him. Honestly, I don’t know that anything can fix all of that.”

“You wanna talk about it?” She offered. “I mean, he sort of did. But, none of us know what happened exactly. He just stuck up for you is all, he didn’t explain anything really.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Talking about it only makes it hurt more. I’m just trying to move on from it.”

“Okay, I get it,” she replied. “I still think you should hear him out, but I suppose that’s up to you.”

The two of you sat in silence for a bit longer. Neither of you looked at each other, neither of you really knew what to say. You had at least accepted her apology, but you both knew that not everything had been fixed. She had hurt you terribly, and she understood that. While you were too forgiving for your own good sometimes, you knew it was going to take a lot more work than this to ever fully forgive her. You couldn’t be certain, but you assumed that she knew that maybe the two of you would never be the same again. Realizing how uncomfortable you felt with her being here, even after the apology; you also knew that there was a strong possibility that your past friendships were going to stay just that. In the past.

When she realized that things here were not magically back to normal, she finally decided to leave. She had done her part; admitting that she was wrong and telling you to your face that she was sorry. She had left the rest on you; to decide if forgiveness was something you could do wholeheartedly, or if you had simply accepted the apology but weren’t willing to try to go back to normal.

You said nothing as you watched her gather herself to leave. She glances down at your coffee table and noticed a small slip of paper. She picked it up and read it, letting it rest between her fingertips as she sucked in a breath. She dropped it back to the table and turned toward you.

“I hope you’re not one of those people who takes advice from fortune cookies,” she said.

You smiled at her and shrugged, having nothing else to say to her. If only she knew how accurate your fortunes had been lately.

Tag List: @destielschild @sorenmarie87 @smoothdogsgirl @kocswain @culturebay @itsfunnierin-enochian @typicalweirdbookworm @angelsandhuntersgalore @riversong-sam @emoryhemsworth @hunterpuff @camelotandastronauts @laffytaffyhumor @cyrilconnelly @jpadjackles @waywardswain @sirraxa @thewordsmithofhell @atc74 @shanghai88 @onlyanothersocialcasualty  @chocolategate  @sleepylunarwolf @perksofbeingafangirl26 @marie-is-in-the-dark @nerdyforyourbooks @lucerospn1detc

[isthemedia]

**Little A/N ahead of all this. I have no idea where I found it, but I do recall coming across the “info/idea” that Ghetsis and Alder did know each other before the event of Pokemon B&W and B2&W2. I cannot find where I found them now (since was writing this almost a year ago and those post are now well buried under a year’s worth of posts) but it just had a thought go through my head.

Alder is obviously a good judge of character. He is not gullible; brash yes, but not blinded. So if that is the case, then how was it he was able to form this friendship/companionship with Ghetsis?

How was Ghetsis before the start of these installations in the series?  

Which than began this. And yeah, I know it’s not my best, but it’s something I’ve been working on for a year, maybe a little longer than (since began playing the games in fall).

Yes this is posted to my AO3 account, but figured since there’s been no fanfic content on my dash for a while, just to upload this here.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy.**

~~~~

Prologue;

Pt. 1

“So Lysandre is doing well,” Cynthia asked as she and Looker had dinner together, at his apartment. The detective coming back from Kalos with a follow up on the former Team Flare Leader.

“He is. We even managed to get Xerosic to admit that he knew about his...condition from the start.”

Cynthia's felt her jaw drop a bit. “So he enabled him?”

“It appears to be the case,” Looker sighed and shook his head. “It's dreadful that there are some people out there who will do that to a person.”  He noticed Cynthia frown, and he felt himself mirror her actions. There was a chance that Cyrus was in a similar condition like Lysandre. That his mind was processing rational thought in a different way....

How Charon, even after Cyrus was long gone...

No, mustn't dwell on the past. He now had the chance to see Cyrus again. The former leader was doing very well. Cynthia did mentioned he had a beau, sill haven't had the chance to meet them.

It was the buzzing of his Pokenav that had him jump, and the Sinnoh Region Champion to giggle softly.

“Ah...I...I shou--”

“Go take it. You have a very important job.”

He gave her a soft smile and excused himself, flipped it open. “Looker...I see...what di-wai what!? Who did you-You DID get him to a hospital right!? I'll be right the--”

Cynthia got up from her seat and went over to the man, noting how his features paled slightly after each response.

“O-of course...I-I will contact him...be sure to keep me updated on his cond-His son? I-I suppose...yes, leave it to me. I will be in Unova as soon as possible,” Looker hung up.

“Looker?”

“Cynthia...contact Alder...a-and call Cyrus...he needs to get in touch with N...” he began and turned to her. “Ghetsis is in the hospital. He's in critical condition.”

--

Pt. 2

He never expected to meet Cyrus' significant other like this...nor did he expect it to be Giovanni! The Sakaki Giovanni. The rumored leader of Team Rocket...or was that now former?

He would ponder about it later. Right now...now is a time of confliction. He knew that Team Plasma was still active; not as much as it once was, but it was still active. And the former leader stepped down. Allowing his most trusted admin take over, Cloress.

“Alder...” the concerned voice of Cynthia drew Looker from his reverie.

“Please tell me they said something about his...uh....”

“It...it's far too soon...” Cynthia frowned and looked away.

Looker knew the whole thing had to of been an accident. It was a hard blow he took to his head...but it was the aftermath that now has him in jeopardy. Running over the catwalks in the warehouse district; trying to initiate some plan, only to have it never take off the ground.

Getting hit by a wayward Rock Throw, causing him to lose his balance...and falling off the catwalk...he tried to grab onto something to stop his fast descent.

Looker clenched his eyes shut, trying to forget the image that came to mind from what he was told.

“Where is he!”

He glanced over and saw the young teen running in; frantic, eyes red and face stained with tears...

“N, calm--” Cyrus began.

“What happened?! Tell me! Is he alright!?”

Even after everything he did to the boy....he was still his father...

“N-”

“I-I-Where is he?” the boy was now taking heaving breathes. Getting far too worked up.

Without a word, Giovanni approached the green haired teen and place a firm hand on his shoulder. “Breath. Take a deep breath...in and out N. You need to calm down.”

The teen's breathes were still ragged, hitching every now and then.

“N look at me.”

Looker could only watch as the former Rocket Leader calmed the teen by helping him get over his panic attack.

“Listen...they're doing their best right now to help him. You need to be patient.”  

“B-but, but he's--”

The doors suddenly burst open, and one of the doctors stepped out.

--

Pt. 3

“We've managed to stop the bleeding...but there's a high chance he can still hemorrhage. We will keep an eye on him around the clock to ensure his survival.”

“And his...” Looker began, unable to articulate what he needed to get additional information on.

“Luckily we were able to reopen his windpipe and currently have him set up on a respirator...he's very lucky that no spinal injuries were obtained.”

“How long was he...deprived?” Looker asked.

“....almost four hours...”

“Looker?” Cynthia asked, not liking where the conversation was going.

He frowned and looked to her, before he turned his attention back to the doctor. “Any...well...you know...?”

The doctor frowned. “It's too early to know what damage was done...but be aware...if he does regain consciousness, he may not be the same man you knew.”

-

Cyrus covered N with his jacket, the teen finally wearing himself down with worry.

“...Cyrus?”

Glancing over the red head teen that accompanied the other. “Yes Silver?”

“...i-it's nothing.”

“You're worried as well...but you don't want to be,” Cyrus began as he straightened himself up. “I assume N told you everything...he did.”

Silver stayed silent. “He was a monster...the things he did to N...h-he deserved something! Some kind of...karma or something. Like...like--”

“Your father did?”

“I guess,” he glanced over to N, still sound asleep. “He said he hated him,and everything he's done. That thanks to him he thought he was always going to be alone. I just don't get why.”

“I actually think you do,” Cyrus stated as he glanced out to the doors, leading to the hospital's entry, where Giovanni was currently smoking.

Silver balled his hands tightly, having him shake slightly as he did. “I hate the fact that I want him to recover.”

Cyrus didn't say anything, just placed a reassuring hand on the teen's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

--

Pt. 4

“How is he?” Alder asked the doctor as they stepped out.

“I apologize,” the doctor began, and the Unova Champion felt his heart sink. “It appears that there was some, irrefutable damage done to part of the hippocampus.”

“The...what?”

“It's the part of the brain that deals with memory,” he explained.

“M-memory?”

“We're unsure as to how much damaged was attained, and what the affects are, but we are keeping vigil. We will be certain to inform you and everyone else if anything changes.”

He should have been prepared then...they warned him after all...so then why...why did it shake him so much?

“Any idea as to how much he remembers?” Looker asked.

“It's quite unusual, though not impossible. But he does have some episodic memory lost.”

“Does he....remember--”

“Team Plasma?” the doctor inquired, and Looker nodded. “I'm afraid...he does not.”

“....how long-er-much has he forgotten?”

“It seems anything in between the past five year, to as far back about twenty years.”

“T-t-twenty years!?” Alder exclaimed.

“Between that Champion Alder sir,” the doctor reiterated. “It will be confusing to him, since there will be parts he remembers and other parts he does not. “ He too a deep breath. “There is always the chance that it can be recovered...though due to the damage he sustained there is an equal chance that it may never be recovered.”

“Never...recover?” The Unova Champion echoed. Just like that? Ghetsis could have just lost twenty years of his life? And for what?

Never in his life did he feel such...anger...rage...hatred...somehow he knew it was all that bastard, Colress', fault.

~~~~~~

Chapter 1; part 1

“He will need to stay here for the next few days for recovery.”

“Recovery?” Looker blinked.

“He had to undergo a Laryngotracheal reconstruction to ensure his wind pipe stays open,” the doctor explained. “We need to make sure there no additional bleeding, and that the reconstruction holds. Once he's released we will give you a list of possible complications that can occur during recovery and how to respond.”

“Complications?”

The doctor looked at the former Unova Champion. “External and internal bleeding, infection, there's even chances of him collapsing a lung.”

Looker glanced over and noted how pale the taller man became. Worry and dread filling those grey eyes. Just learning that his old friend was still in so much danger. He needed to change the subject.

“Is there any possible way for him to recover his memory?” Looker asked.

“Recovering memories isn't as easy as they make it in movie and books. It's a long and complicated matter,” the doctor began. “There are certain medications that can be given, to increase the numbers of that contains enzymes that help slow the break down acetylcholine.”

"Acet-what?" Alder blinked.

"An organic molecule that, in recent studies have shown to have a connection of impairing the acquisition of new information, which can result in eventual memory loss," Cyrus stated, having not only Alder and Looker just stare blankly at him, but the doctor as well. The young man felt his face flush and looked away.

“Y-yes that is correct...” the doctor said, still in a bit of shock at the well articulated answer.

“S-so medicine?” Looker asked.

“Ah, yes, however it is still in a developmental state...and currently has only been approved for those in the mid-stages of Alzheimer's. Sadly, Mr. Harmonia would not be prescribed it.”

“So then what should we do instead?”

“Physical and tangible actions can help stimulate memories, the body can remember certain patterns even though the mind cannot. Granted I highly suggest you focus on reversing and preventing other risk factors from occurring.”

“Factors?” The detective raised an eyebrow.

“High blood pressure, depression, high homocysteine,” the doctor began to list off.

“Homo...cysteine?” Looker restated, eyes darting to Cyrus.

Catching the small glance, he felt himself flush again. “A-a non-protein amino acid that's altered chemically in the bloodstream...”

The doctor sighed. “In other words, watch his diet, regulate the amount of dairy. meat, fish, and foods rich in vitamin B6, B12, and folic acids.”

“I see...” Looker nodded some, head starting to spin slightly at the vast vocabulary...maybe he'll have Cyrus tell Cynthia and she would be able to reiterate it. He was intelligent...but these biological and scientific definitions were just beyond him. “Anything else?”

“Try not to force it. It could cause him to go into shock, or suffer a great bout of depression...”

–

Part 2;

Alder had to find him. He never felt so...angry. He never felt so...vindictive. He had to find him...and had him take responsibility for what had happened. After all it had to of been him. He was appointed as the new leader of Team Plasma, reforming it into Neo Team Plasma. So it HAD to be his fault.

So then why was HE even trying to feign innocence?!

Colress sighed as he tried his best to ignore Alder.

“What do you mean you stepped down from Team Plasma?”

“Just as it sounds obviously...it was getting in the way of my goals,” the scientist said as he jotted some notes from a monitor.

“So if you're not leading them--”

“Zinzolin stepped up, with approval from Lord Ghetsis of course. Though he was a bit upset that I left. But I had my own beliefs to pursue,” he said and turned on his heel sharply to face Alder. “Now if you are finished, please leave, you are bothering me.”

“You really don't know what happened....?” Alder asked.

The sound of concern and worry in the Champion's voice piqued the young man's interest slightly. “What...happened?”

“You seriously don't know?”

Rolling his eyes, he turned his back again. He didn't have time to deal with this. If Alder thinks he could play some sort of mind game with him...grabbing a clipboard he started reviewing some of the findings.

“Ghetsis is in the hospital.”

….the clattering of the clipboard was much louder when it hit the floor, startling Alder a bit. He felt himself needing to take a step back when he saw the somewhat...crazed look the other had.

“H-he’s...where?”

“Ah-the, the hospital,” Alder stumbled over his words slightly as the scientist was now very VERY close to him.

--

Part 3;

He squinted at the brightness of the light being flashed in his, well his only good eye now. He was still confused as to what happened. All Alder said that something happened. It must have been something...terrible. He never seen the other man look so, frightened.

“I need you to follow this pen,” the doctor instructed.

He wanted to roll his eyes a bit. Was this all necessary?

Then again...

He shakingly reached up and covered his right eye, where it was currently bandaged.

“J-just s-something bad...r-really REALLY bad happened....alright...b-but you're going to be alright now...I'll make sure of that.”

Alder sounded so angry, he never knew the other man could so like that. Granted...he hadn't known him for long. He had trouble trying to recall just how long they've been traveling together. It hadn't been all that long...possibly no more than a few weeks.

At least that what he remembered. Or was it when they just left that town?

Actually how long has it been? Something felt off. His internal timing was usually immaculate.

“Mr. Harmonia, please follow the pen.”

–

“Do you...know me?”

The young blonde man stood next to Alder. And for the life of him, Ghetsis swore he knew him from somewhere, but he just couldn't quite pin it down.

“You look familiar...but then again, you could just have one of those faces.”

He didn't even bother wondering why that crushing look crossed the young man's face.

–

He held the small Pokemon in his hands as it groomed itself with tiny paws.

“Den, den den.”

“This therapy Pokemon will help you in your recovery,” The doctor explained.

“Recovery?” Ghetsis questioned.

“What happened to you caused quite a lot of trauma, and due to the fact that you are unable to remember it at the moment; when you are able to, it can become overwhelming.”

“I see...”

“Denne!”

He had to admit, it was rather cute. He wasn't one for such small Pokemon. Seeming too frail for his liking...but he did have to admit, he could possibly grow to like this little rodent.

--

Part 4;

It took a bit to get use to. Seeing his old friend once more in a way he was sure was long forgotten about.

Not much progress was made with recovering any new memories. There were times he wished he never did...

But damn that Colress.

'That wouldn't do much. Even if Ghetsis never recalled his memories, that wouldn't mean anything to those he harmed. Nobody would believe it. Nobody would trust him.  He'd be lost, adrift in confusion as to why people would look at him with such hate in their eyes.  Can you really say he would be better off never knowing.'

He was certain Ghetsis would be better off not knowing. Not recalling his darkest times. He could rebuild his relationship with N.

With his Pokemon...

With him.

'Or will it just make it easier for you if he never recovers them?'

...damn that Colress.

–

It was a side he never thought possible from his former leader. His voice was much more calm...collected.

Almost, soothing.

Was this how Lord Ghetsis truly was?

What happened?

Was it some accident that caused him that damage to his arm and eye?

Something terrible he was forced to witness?

Or...had he always planned for his reign even like this?

How he wanted to ask his former leader these things. To question how much he remembered. To pulled his Lord Ghetsis back.

Ah...

HIS Lord Ghetsis?

Hm, looks like he had some thinking of his own to do at the moment.

–

“Den den,” The little Pokemon squeaked as it munched.

Handing it another berry, he couldn't help to but feel at ease. This little creature truly did make him feel relaxed.

“Dedenne!” It squeaked in triumph as it took the berry and ate.

Petting it gently between the ears, he let his mind wander.

Why did that you blonde and blue haired man look familiar? Why did he feel like he could trust him? It couldn't have been another companion he and Alder brought along, not with how his friend acted towards  the other man.

There had to be...just something.

~~~~~~

Chapter 2; Part 1

The weather was getting unpredictable. Humidity and heat along with a cold pressure was making it as if the weather couldn't make up it's mind on how it wanted to be.  

It was the bright streak of heat lightning that tore across the darkening evening sky.

So bright it light up the entire area...

So bright it nearly blinded them.

In that instant...that bright instant, something overwhelmed Ghetsis as he looked to the other two men to see how they fared after the blinding display.

That was when it all clicked together.

“Ghetsis?”

The image of Alder warping in front of him. From the young, naïve trainer from so long ago, to the now aged Unova Champion.

He staggered back, away from the outstretched hand.

He shook his head to look back at his companion. Alder looked as he did before. Young, brash, yet eyes filled with worry. Another thunderous crack, and streak of lightning-and his vision warped again.Alder’s face aged, with laugh lines and wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. His body was filled out more, he could even make out a few tell-tale grey streaks starting to form in his bright orange and red hair.

His good eye darting to Colress the usually collect scientist seemingly at a lost. Every flash of light he swore he saw the the blonde and blue haired man’s clothing shift to something else.

He caught sight of...that insignia.

Clenching his eyes shut, he was blinded by the constant flashes of his past.

Many a late night watching Colress work endlessly on his research. Allowing him to do as he wished, and escorting the exhausted scientist back to his quarters. Seeing his face light up whenever he made some sort of breakthrough.

His past.

His mind screamed at him to run...

And so he did.

–

His lungs were burning as he ran. Ignoring the calls after him.

How long?

How long?

How long!?

He couldn't remember. Everything was distorted. Disjointed.

So many gaps and jumps.

He couldn't go any further. Legs aching and quivering under his weight.

Hands tangled in his short locks as he clenched his eye shut. His right hand struggling to grasp at the strands due to its damage.

What was he? Who was he? Memories of how he was...what he became. Which was right? Which one was him?

The amount of pride he had as he stood in front of the machine Colress had made. Allowing one to control whatever Pokemon they saw fit. How the scientist was barely able to contain his exuberance when he was finally able to put it to use. Taking control of the Boundary Pokemon--

Legs finally giving way as he collapsed to his knees, curling in on himself. He was...so proud of what he's done. What he accomplished. Who he hurt.

Alder and him traveling through Unova. Watching as Alder became stronger after each battle. Capturing his Deino….the rush he felt when he was successful, and the rush of affection he felt when Alder scooped him up in a tight hug congratulating him.

Was this all some sort of sick game for somebody? To some power? To have his past and present collide and create such inner turmoil?

The feeling of of power as he controlled one of the legendary beasts. Commanded it to do his bidding. The sickening amount of pride he had in that instant.

He became such a monster. No matter how much he regrets the actions now; it will never be enough to forgive. He ruined the lives of so many.

Old, young, human, Pokemon...

Why was he allowed to live?

“Because you're still a human being.”

He shook his head. He wasn't. He wasn’t. He was--

“Because you're able to feel guilty. It just shows you're not as far gone as you thought you were.”

What did it know?! What did that voice--

Wait, where was that voice coming from? Opening his left eye...sitting in front of him was the little Antenna Pokemon. Tail swaying back and forth ever so slightly as it looked at him with big eyes.

“Well, okay you were pretty far gone, but you're coming back now.”

He stared at the Pokemon...before he yelped and scurried back away from it like it was some sort of vile demon.

“H-hey! What's wrong?” The little Pokemon asked as it cocked its head.

T-this wasn't real. This wasn't happened. This was all just in his head, just in his--

Oh hell, he really must be crazy if it is just in his head.

He felt himself stiffen up as he watched the Antenna Pokemon approach him.

“Are...you okay?”

“I most certainly am not okay!” He snapped.

Shit he just answered it. He really was off the deep end...again.

“Maybe we should head back. You don't look good.”

He watched as it scurried about. Sniffing the air, trying to figure out which way was best to return back. “Wow you ran quite a bit a way. Hmmm...I might need help.”

“Help?” Before he knew it the word escaped him. He covered his eyes with his hand. “I'm responding to a Pokemon...”

The Dedenne ran back over to him. “Why is that such a bad thing? It's nice to talk to you.”

“People CAN'T talk to Pokemon!”

“And yet here you are.”

“Don't be sass—I'm arguing with it now!” He curled up some, covering his ears. He couldn't hear this. It wasn't really talking to him. He WASN'T responding to it either. It was just exhaustion setting in.

He felt a small weight settle atop his head.

His stomach dropped.

He knew what it was. Slowly he uncovered his ears.

“He got it from somewhere you know?”

“He?” As if he really needed to ask, who else would it be? His mind was racing again. It was making him feel light-headed.

The Pokemon hopped off his head to sit at his feet once more. It didn't speak to him again. He just stared at it. Only sounds were those of the woods around them and the slight rustling of the breeze through the branches of the high tree overheard.

“This, is what made you do the things you did before...isn't it?”

This?

Dark clouds began to roll in.

“Rain...we should find a place to duck into...”

–

It was dank...and wet. But drier than outside of the cave. The Dedenne shook it's fur before grooming its tail.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

I didn't mean to.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

I didn't mean to.

I'm sorr--give me--an to...

That voice began to ran together in his head. He swallowed as he felt bile rise in his throat, he needed to sit down.

He pulled out the Pokeball that held the Brutal Pokemon. His Hydreigon. Memories flashed in his mind. As warped and distorted they may have been, they were clear enough for him to understand. When he started to change.

Humans cannot communicate with Pokemon. They couldn't understand them. It was a fact.

But when it was just a Deino, and he was much younger...

A lingering jolt of pain raced up his right arm.

Just remembering it...

It was an accident after all. The Deino line was known for attacking anything that moved. Even if captured there's the chance that it could still turn on its trainer.

When he recovered, that's when he began to hear it.

That...soft voice.

Pleading him for forgiveness.

He thought he was going crazy. He was sure he was. A mania consuming him. Driving him to the brink. The more he harmed, the quieter the voice became, until it was gone.

“He still wants to apologize,” the Dedenne nuzzled the hand. “Let him know you forgive him.”

He couldn't believe he was doing this. Listening to this...delusion of his.

“How do you even know I do?”

“You still have him. That's why. If you didn't you would have gotten rid of him, right?”

Would he have? His younger self wouldn't have.

But...back then he would have. The leader of Team Plasma would have.

But now? His hand gripped onto the ball tightly. Maybe?

...

No he wouldn't.

--

Part 2;

He just watched as the young man triangulate, calculate, and mapped out findings after findings.

It may have been only a few hours since Ghetsis ran off; but they knew they had to find him.  

It had to have been a relapse in memory. That was the only thing it could have been.  The look of fear, anger, and disgust he saw that flared up in his old friend's eyes.

It couldn't have been anything else.  

Times like this he wished he live closer to a city. Then maybe somebody might have seen Ghetsis. Then again, those words from Colress replayed in his mind. Would anyone even help him? Would they contact the police if they even saw him?

Would they...attack him?

“...tell me...”

Alder glanced at the blonde, thoughts of what could have breaking instantly. “Ah, what?”

“...what was he like, I mean, what was he like before?” The scientist asked as he continued to calculate.

“What was—oh...” He meant Ghetsis. What was he like when they first met. It was hard to say really.

Was there much of a difference?

Clearly there had of been...

But how much?

“I...can't be sure,” he murmured quietly.

A heavy silence hung in the room. A building pressure as if something was going to burst at any moment.

“I see,” Colress said...still looking down at his frantic scribbled formulas.  

“...persistent.”

Colress looked up. “Excuse me?”

Alder took a steady breath. “He was, persistent. Determined. A bit arrogant...supportive.”

It was what he recalled. Alder did have his support in his endeavors. Having that support...the persisting and arrogant friend along with him. He was certain he would have never it to Champion.

“I see,” the scientist look back to his work. So that’s how Lord Ghetsis was? Even though the words were simple, the weight they carried explained it well enough to him.

He could agree, Lord Ghetsis was all those things to him as well. But he was certain if he said them, they would convey an entirely different meaning.

He wanted to know THIS Lo--Ghetsis. To have him be able to use those same words and have them carry that same meaning.

They had to find him...for their sake.

They just had to.

--

Part 3;

His fingers twitched slightly as he held the Pokeball. If he let it out--if he listened to this little incessant Pokemon...would it really change anything? Would this snap him out of this...delusion?

Taking a steady breath he pressed the button on the center of the Pokemon. A flash of bright red, and a roar echoed throughout the cave. However, it didn’t sound as frightening and intimidating as he always recalled it sounding.   

No.

It, sounded sad. Remorseful. Begging for forgiveness.

The Brutal Pokemon looked to it’s trainer with woeful red on black eyes. The flood of pleas raced through Ghetsis’ mind.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

I didn't mean to.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

I didn't mean t--

“ENOUGH!” Ghetsis’ shout rang through the cave. Loud enough to have both the Antenna Pokemon and the Brutal Pokemon to recoil at the sharpness. He felt himself shake a bit. That voice. That same pleading voice. He stared at his Hydreigon; before reaching out with his good hand. He watched as it flinched slightly, whenever he inched closer. He pressed the palm of his hand to its snout, and could feel the small tremors. It was shaking…

“M-master…”

“...I would have…” Ghetsis caught himself. He wasn’t even aware he spoke at first. What was he to say? What would he say?

“Do you forgive him?” The little Antenna Pokemon quipped.    

The former sage sighed. “If I did not...it would not be here.”

The Brutal Pokemon looked to Ghetsis, eyes wide. “Master?”

“I would have...gotten rid of you.”

It was a deep rumbling sound that had Ghetsis stand on guard at first. Were they not alone in this cave? Had whatever made its home here, finally awoken?

Then he felt it, the small vibrations through his hand.

Heh...who would have known a Hydreigon could purr?

~~~~~~

Chapter 3; Part 1

“You sure about this?” the little Pokemon asked. “I mean returning and all.”

“I feel that if I even try to argue you would keep pestering me until I gave in,” he huffed and glanced to the Pokemon currently perched happily on his shoulder; as they made their way through the forest.

The rain continued through the night. The cave was not idea for Ghetsis to sleep in, however he made due. His Hydreigon curled around him and the small Antenna Pokemon nestled close, helped lull him into a light slumber.

“Deep down you know this is right.”

“Tch, once I’ve returned I’m certain they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. Alder has his reputation and status to maintain.”

“And the creepy scientist?”

“He is not ‘creepy’,” Ghetsis argued. “Colores might be happy to know he is no longer needed to aid me. I wouldn’t….impose on his research after all.”

“Well you can still have me?”

Ghetsis sighed...and gently reached and gave the tiny Pokemon a skritch between the ears. He wasn’t going to admit aloud that besides being true; that it truly wasn’t a bad thing.

The Dedenne made a soft sound and leaned into the touch before sniffing the air again. “We’re on the right track.”  

Ghetsis sighs and pinched the bridge of his nose. The sooner they got out of this…

Well it wouldn’t be for the better, but it would be something.

--

Part 2;

One day. One whole day has passed. Luckily no reports of the former, heinous Team Plasma Leader being taken into authority, but that’s about the only positive thing Alder could think of.

Where could he have gone? How deep in the woods did Ghetsis manage to run into? He and Colress were out for nearly three hours, traversing any worn trial they came across in hopes to find something that would lead them in the right direction. Sadly the rainfall washed away any possible footprints leading from his cabin; but he tried to keep positive. Perhaps Ghetsis was trying to make his way back. They could hope to run into him, or at least find where he went off to after the storm.

There was a slight yelp, and Alder reacted. He quickly grabbed the back of Colress’ coat just as the ground gave way from under the scientist.

“This terrain doesn’t appear to be the type to have sudden drop offs like this,” Colress pointed out as Alder righted him.

“Surprisingly there are a good number of tunneling Pokemon around here.”

“...could Ghetsis have…”

Alder wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear that muttered statement. But now, thoughts rushed through his head.

What if that DID happen to Ghetsis?

They had to find him!

--

Part 3;

The suddenness of having the ground give from under him, brought panic in Ghetsis’ mind. He knew he was no state to take a severe fall without suffering any major injury--and with him still not knowing how close he was to returning to Alder’s home, he was certain he would infact be left out here to parish if that was the case.

His body reacted out of instinct. Grabbing the Antenna Pokemon, holding it to his chests as he curled in on himself as they tumbled through the dirt and leaves. He felt his left leg slam against something as their tumble finally came to a stop.

Ghetsis stayed curled up. Letting the dizziness and panic from the fall lessen.

“You’re not hurt? You-you’re okay?”

He sighed as the muscles in his body relaxed some. So he was still hearing the Antenna Pokemon at least.

“H-hey! Please can you hear me?”

“I can hear you fine...just...give me a moment,” he finally answered. His leg was throbbing. So this was definitely no dream. Part of him was still in denial of all of this, but it wasn’t all that surprising to him. The notion of communicating with Pokemon was still blasphemous. A ridiculous idea that just wasn’t plausible.

“Can you get up?”

His body wanted him to stay laying there. He felt drained from the fall, he didn’t want to move quite yet.

Then...he could feel it. The vibrations through the ground. Something was coming--

No…

A group of something was coming, quickly.

Ignoring the sparks of pain that coursed through him as he pushed himself up into a sitting position he looked up. He was able to see the trail he was walking along above him, a now sizeable chunk of it gone. He must have just stepped on a weak point at the right angle...with the right amount of weight to have it break free.

He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end, as the vibrations grew, and the sound of hooves barreling toward him and the Dedenne.

Once again he felt his body tense as it curled up, shielding the Antenna Pokemon as the thunderous sound grew even closer. Then--

Nothing.

“Now what’s wit’ all this?” the voice had a drawl to it.

Ghetsis opened his good eye, not even realizing he closed it in the first place…

And found him face to face with a herd of Tauros. The largest one stepping forward, approaching him and the Antenna Pokemon. Ghetsis noted the notched horns, and the scarred snout.

“We fell,” The Dedenne began and looked up to where the trail was above.

The large Tauros looked up to see what the little Pokemon was looking at.  “Shoot, ain’t no real easy way gettin’ back up there neither.”

“But there is a way to get back to that trail?” Ghetsis asked absently, biting his lip afterwards. W-what was he doing!?

“Sure i--wait,” The Tauros looked at the man. Ghetsis was never aware a Pokemon could look shocked. “Did ya’ll just...understand--”

“He can! It that a problem?” The Dedenne snapped.

“Well ain’t the normal thing, ya know. Ain’t never came ‘cross a human that could understand us.”

“So can you help us?”

“Shoot...it’d feel awful wrong if’n I toldja no,” The Tauros admitted.

‘I’m insane. I completely lost it. I’m stuck in this delusional state with no hope of recover--Oh will you just stop it,’ Ghetsis shook his head as he argued with himself, before slowly standing up. His legs shook slightly, and when he went to step forward, he found himself collapsing to his knees once more.

“You’re hurt!” The Dedenne cried.

--

Part 4;

“Ghetsis!” Alder called as he and Colress made their way back to his little cabin. He was not starting to panic some. What if Ghetsis was hurt? What if he gotten caught in a mudslide? Granted the rain the night before wasn’t all that intense, but it was still a possibility.

What if he was attacked by a wild Pokemon? Would he remember how to battle? He only had two of his Pokemon from his team. It was all that Looker could recover from the scene of his accident. Along with the Dedenne, but that Pokemon was trained to be used in therapy, so he wasn’t aware of the moves it could use.   

“Ghetsis!”

Colress watched as the older man called out. His gestures becoming more and more frantic. He had to admit, he was also uneased by the fact that they haven’t found any trace of Ghetsis. Just the possibility of him being attacked…

The statistics alone made him want to shudder. He knew there was more area they could cover. But with just the two of them, and now approaching the 48 hour mark, the chances of finding Ghetsis unharmed were dwindling.

There had to be something he could do.

Something that could help.

Perhaps some algorithm...some data that he could--

“Ghetsis!” Colress called out after Alder.

It really wasn’t time to think...they needed to act.

--

“It’s up ahead!” The Dedenne squeaked.

“Is yer leg alright now?” The Wild Bull Pokemon asked as it slowed its trot down.

“I should be fine…” Ghetsis responded before realizing it. It was official. He accepted this. He accepted this delusion of his. He accepted that he was talking with Pokemon.  This was going to be his life now.

He wasn’t sure on if this was better or worse. He looked to the Tauros, as it kept its pace. It proved itself to be strong and capable; able to charge and break through boulders and downed trees with ease. His hand absently went to his pocket. He only had his Hydreigon and Cofagrigus with him. Where the rest of his team was, he couldn’t recall.

Everything was still so foggy. How DID he end up at Alder’s little cabin in Floccesy Town?

He shook his head as if it would help clear it.

“I hear something!” The Dedenne exclaimed as it hopped from Ghetsis’ shoulder to perch atop the Tauros’ head. “It’s your name.”

“My name?” Somebody was looking for him? Could it really be Alder...or Colress? But, why?

“So jus’ keep on ahead then?”

Ghetsis nodded a bit numbly. Maybe, right now, he shouldn’t question the motive behind somebody trying to find him.

--

Part 5;

He froze as he felt those strong arms wrap around him.

And seeing those woeful eyes look to him from behind those lenses.

How was it that these two...could just care for him?

He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. And heard the grumbling of the Antenna Pokemon as it charged up.

Pushing Alder back some, he plucked the Pokemon off his shoulder. Holding it by the scruff of it’s neck, while it’s tiny round body dangled. “Don't you even think about it.”

“B-but!”

“Don't care, I'm tired, we're going to bed,” he sighed as he walked past Alder and Colress. Ignoring the gaping look the Unova Champion gave him along with the look of complete confusion the former scientist.

He was tired. All he wanted to do was get some sleep.

“...I can still sleep on your pillow?”

–

“Even if I say no will it stop you?”

They both heard the little Pokemon give a squeaking “denne!” in response.

“Then why ask?”

Then the door to the master bedroom slammed shut.

--

“Den den,” the Pokemon scrubbed at it’s face before looking to it’s trainer. “Are you awake?”

“No I’m not,” Ghetsis replied , eyes still closed as he pulled the heavy blanket over him. So, it wasn’t a dream. A hallucination. What happened...it was true.

The Antenna Pokemon burrowed under the blanket. “I hear them pacing outside.”

“You’re not shocking them.”  

“Fine…”

Ghetsis sighed. He should get up and go out. Let Alder and Colores know he’s...alive at least. He couldn’t say he was alright. Because he wasn’t. Not in the slightest. Not anymore.

“You kept him.”

He was about to ask what the little Pokemon even meant, but it soon clicked with him. It was asking about the Tauros. He couldn’t explain it...but part of him, just couldn’t say no when it asked him to join him.

He let out a slow sight through his nose. “Yes, I did.”

--

“DEN! Dedenne den-den dedenne!”

Alder pulled back as the Antenna pokemon chittered and spat at him. All he did was approach Ghetsis to see how he was doing, after all he and Colress were concerned with how he acted when he finally returned the other day.

“Ah did I...do something wrong?”

Ghetsis grumbled and plucked the little pokemon off his shoulder, holding it once again by the scruff letting its little body dangle. “What did I tell you?”

“Den den dedenne…”

“Don’t be smart with me.”

Alder and Colress stood by and watched. I-it was almost as...as if--

“Ghetsis,” Colress began, able to get his thoughts together faster than the wandering Unova Champion. “Are, are you...conversing with that Dedenne?”

The former team leader sighed defeatedly, and placed the Antenna pokemon back atop his shoulder. “As much as I refuse to admit such a thing...”

“You can, understand it?” There was something underlying in Colress’ voice.

“I...suppose…” Ghetsis eyed the scientist.

“Ghetsis?” Alder finally spoke up.

“Alder, I do not wish to talk about this further,” he sighed.

“...it’s why you changed in the first place, wasn’t it?” The wandering Champion asked.

Dammit. He forgotten how observant the other was.

He looked to Alder. “I’ll answer that...if you explain to me why I’m even here.”

He tried his best not to revel as he saw the look of discomfort cross the Former Unova Champion’s face.

[kaihoepaddles-blog]

Wham bam thank you Pam

A blast from the past... From March 9th 2015 onwards we prepare for Cyclone Pam. Anchors, chains, lines, tie down, tidying up, flush deck. Friday 13th towards the evening the wind and rain starts. At about 10pm I notice a boat missing. It was the first casualty/fatality. My Hungarian mate A nuclear physicist Nice guy. Then as the wave height increased and the wind strengthened boats started dragging moorings and breaking lines. The yacht in front of us broke free and went into the beach 15-20 metres beside us during the next half hour it became just the mast above the waters And then a fishing boat dragged until the stern was nearly touching our starboard bow. The waves were now breaking over our bow continually and as I sat on the bow fighting to keep the 20-30 ton fishing boat off our bow the rudder or anchor caught and broke one of our lines. A stern line from the fishing boat was in the water so I caught this with my foot and began sailing the fishing boat, hauling its stern toward me so the wind drove its bow away from us. Swell and wind are increasing. Debris flying…Pieces of trees and boats -at one point I heard a wind generator on a boat ahead of us howl into disintegration and one of the blades went past within metres of me with a wicked sound. I was very calm. The fishing boat is now past our bow and the bows of the catamaran beside us but the mooring it is dragging now cuts/breaks our chains and mooring lines. Sanyasin’s bow is free but as the stern lines still hold we swing into the catamaran beside us and face downwind. In a short while the rudders are smashed off, the tender and kayaks and ramp of Sanyasin have become a smashed up jumbled mess which I become tangled in and nearly lose my leg/life. Getting myself free just in time to go around the pod/cockpit and see the place I was trapped is no longer above water. Phew! We had actually leapt right over the boat beside us and they watched us from inside their cockpit as we went over just leaving a mark as we descended back into the sea. They told us and showed us on Sunday as we were going around checking on everyone we knew Saturday and Sunday Now we are shipping waves and the solar panels get ripped off by the incredible wind which is still increasing. I notice more boats arriving and stacking up onto the “beach” where our shore lines (x5) are tied to trees. These boats cut our shore lines and we are blown onto/into wrecks and mooring lines. If we had stayed in position we would have ended up underneath some fairly large boats however- Plunging and leaping; facing downwind while pieces of our boat are ripped off including windows, hatches, and outboards as we begin to destroy our bows onto the wrecks in front of us. I make sure Que and Ariane are safe in the pod and as I go onto the deck we break free and begin our last voyage from Iririki island toward the unknown at an unbelievable speed. I am aware this is likely to be my last trip on Sanyasin so I do my best to experience it. Then we arrive into the seawall and spin around clockwise to lay alongside and be dragged along. I tell Ariane and Que where we are and say we will wait until the boat stops moving before we disembark. However this is not to be. My name is Alan Langdon and on 13th March 2015, a very black Friday our boat ‘Sanyasin’, our home since 27th August 2008 was destroyed by Cyclone Pam in Port Vila, Vanuatu. Que never complained when she and her mother were climbing out of the cockpit with seawater pouring in and the whole boat tilting on to its side at around midnight. She did not demonstrate any fear or panic and was concerned for her mother. As we waited on the starboard hull while our port hull was chewed to little pieces by the seawall there was not one complaint from Que. She held on as she was told and despite being continually under waves and struggling to hold on did not panic or scream but listened and helped us stay together. We were unable to cross the boat as the danger of being crushed, trapped or sucked under was too great so were waiting for an opportunity to disembark and survive. After the port hull was destroyed and’ Sanyasin’ was on his side we were held to the seawall by our stays and the starboard hull was alternating between 45⁰ and sideways and what remained of the cross beams were keeping the hull above the seabed our boat was being sucked out to the length of the stays and then slamming back into the seawall while waves broke over across and around us as well as under our “boat” and up the sea wall then receding back under through the beams/boat. Luckily our masts and stays had become caught in the chains that run along the seawall with steel posts. We had destroyed several posts being box section steel, maybe five or six and while coming in and out to the 10-12m length of our stays I worried we would come free and be sucked out into the harbour again which I doubt we would have survived. Fortunately the stays and chain held. I was able to remain reasonably calm and reassure my wife and daughter everything was and would be ok. “Hold on” and “stay together” was said by me often during the 20 to 30 minutes we were there. Several times we were separated and lost our grip on the side of the starboard hull which was now uppermost and continually awash or underwater. Becoming tangled and having to rip off clothing while underwater for extended periods of one, two and sometimes three big swells before getting a chance to breathe. The wind was howling and on occasion the air was so filled with foam it was like being in a snowstorm. The seawall was above us sometimes and 10 metres away sometimes as we were lifted by waves and dropped/slammed into the base of the wall by large swells. Losing grip on the boat and each other was pretty scary but I kept reaching out and regaining grips on Que and Ariane and Sanyasin with arms, hands, feet and legs. This kept me occupied. The hull was getting lower and lower into the water as the beams got smashed and occasionally pushed up several centimetres like battering rams which nearly got us more than once but more seas were breaking over the hull as time went on and less under the hull breaks and sucking so we were getting close to the point I was waiting for to be swept up the two or three metres onto the top of the seawall. As the swells broke we sometimes were at the height of the top of the seawall but then as the waves sucked back out the seawall towered above us by two to three metres. Fatigue was setting in and my hands starting to lose strength. Ariane was swept away and despite all my efforts I could not retain her or find/see/hear her to regain a grip on her so after a short while I stopped calling and trying to find her and concentrated on keeping Que with me. She also was swept under and away from me dragged by some tangled mess which I had to remain underwater for a short while to untangle her and when we got back onto the side of the hull which was uppermost I squeezed her so hard between my chest and our boat her skin was scraped off a little which she told me. It was imperative that we get up onto the seawall and judging the time to be right I told Que I was going to lift and throw her up and she would fly. I proceeded to place hands below her armpits and pulling my legs beneath me pushed up with all my strength while throwing her up as well. As I threw her straight up the 300km/h wind carried her away into the maelstrom and this is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do/experience. I crouched back down and then leapt up as the wave crashed up the hull onto the seawall and landed on my hands and knees gripping on while the wave receded to look up and see Que’s legs running away from me toward “safety”. I rose and followed her toward a light where we held hands and made our way downwind through surging waves and pieces of our boat and home washed around my knees as we went through toward the main street of Port Vila a piece of corrugated iron flew past like a piece of paper so I picked up Que and held her tightly while stumbling through chaos and calling “Help” “Help” “Help”. The main street was awash and pieces of the boat were everywhere. Still not safe we crossed the road through thigh deep water and continued going away from the sea down a side street and saw a car with its hazard light on so I went and beat on this to set off the alarm/attract attention yelling “Help” “Help” and a torch light appeared across the road up in a window so I placed Que in a safe alcove and asked her to wait while I turned and ran toward some steps then an open door with a headlight shining into my eyes through a doorway. As the head turned and a voice said "come in" I saw many police uniforms so I turned and ran away back to get Que. I carried her up to the Police and gave her to the policewomen then asked for a torch to go find Ariane. When I was told I could not leave I said well come with me but was not allowed to go out as we all had to wait until the wind speed dropped enoughI to go outside safely. This was several hours. Very hard! Ariane had managed to grab a stay and while the sea lifted and pounded her into the coral and concrete she had gone hand over hand, regularly submerged by waves when suddenly one wave picked her up and washed her onto the seawall, her face getting pushed against the chain links. She stayed and sheltered nearby without seeking help or looking back or responding to my calls for help, cowering until the police found her several hours later. Reading this nearly two years later and knowing sanyasin has been salvaged causes me some emotional turmoil. We were on the first C-17 flight to Australia as my wife was having her fourth episode which resulted in committal. Moving on. And what a ride life has given me. Still experiencing events and depths of emotions I never expected. I know enough to realize I have no idea how much anguish I will suffer and how much love is yet to be given and felt . I am only being prepared for what is yet to come. Love.

[fidembeats]

Understanding Anxiety & How To Control It | My Story

Understanding Anxiety & How To Control ItOne morning I was in the fetal position, shaking uncontrollably at 4:30 am in my bed.. I was 24 at the time and I had reached my ultimate low.. I was so desperate that I did not care what I had to do to get my suffering to stop.. I just needed something to fix it.. I pulled my phone from out of my pocket and searched on YouTube “How To Stop Panic Attacks” .. I came across this video..If you suffer from severe general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or panic anxiety disorder.. You know exactly how debilitating & controlling anxiety can be to your life. To make matters worse, it seems like no one around you can seem to understand what you are going through.. So… You feel alone.

Before I start writing this article.. I would like to make a brief blanket definition of what anxiety is:

noun

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Well.. That was the “Google” definition.. I would like to share with you my definition of anxiety as a sufferer of over 6 years.

My Story..

I had my first “panic attack” when I was 20. I had just returned to my home after a long East-Coast road trip with some friends that was absolutely exhilarating to my young mind..

It all started with me standing up from a sitting position to grab a drink.. I noticed that I was a bit lightheaded/dizzy once I was up on both feet, trying to shake off the feeling, I drank a few sips of my drink..

I started sweating profusely and noticed that as I looked around myself, the room and space around me seemed like it was growing bigger and began to feel as if it was swallowing me; as if I were falling through the middle of the floor.

All of a sudden my whole body became so numb that I could no longer feel the skin that covered my body, arms, or legs.. Then, both of my ear drums made a popping noise and I felt a pop in both of them… My skin began to turn pale-white and my legs became so weak that I fell, nearly passing out.

I was then so afraid that I was dying, that my life began flashing before me in my mind.. I knew that something was terribly wrong.

I began to try to get the attention of my friend by screaming for him from the kitchen but it was if my voice could not work. I was forming the words with my mouth but it was not producing sound. My heart began racing faster and faster, I could now feel my heart thumping in my throat and it started to become hard to breathe.

Luckily he walked into the kitchen to get a drink for himself at about that time and saw me there on the floor struggling.. He helped me up, sprayed cold water from the sink on my head and helped me to his car.. He rushed me to the hospital.

By the time I had made it to the Emergency Room.. I began to have chest pains and still was having a hard time catching my breath. I told the triage nurse my symptoms and they immediately was able to give me a room and hooked me up to a heart rate monitor, blood pressure monitor and they started an I.V.

My heart rate was 165 and blood pressure was 159/118, the alarm sounded on the machine and I then thought to myself “For sure, now is my moment, I am going to Die”.. I am pretty sure that my facial expression had my every thought on it. My heart began to race faster, a handful of nurses and a doctor came in trying to convince me that I just needed to calm down that I was completely fine. I was just having an anxiety attack.

It took the doctor to explain to me that he had looked at my vitals and aside from them being elevated extremely high.. I was safe, My mind was the cause of it all, I was only having a panic attack.

He gave me some kind of anxiety medicine through my I.V. and almost immediately.. I began to feel back to normal (My vitals returned to normal as my mind calmed down).

Even after the doctor had thoroughly explained what had just happened to me, I was still shook up to my very core..

I NEVER wanted to ever experience anything like that ever again.

.. Over the course of the next three years.. I ended up going to the hospital thinking that I was dying about 9 separate times.

As time would pass.. My anxiety was only growing more severe.. I began having panic attacks at least twice a day. The majority of them would manifest out of the blue without a definite trigger to cause them. Each episode would include almost all of the symptoms that was responsible for making me go to the hospital the very first time I had a panic attack along with new symptoms every few days.

I began to grow extremely desperate.. No one around me seemed to understand what I was going through.. My anxiety was beginning to control my day-to-day life and I needed a way to understand how to stop it from becoming worse..

Understanding Anxiety & How To Control It

One morning I was in the fetal position, shaking uncontrollably at 4:30 am in my bed.. I was 24 at the time and I had reached my ultimate low.. I was so desperate that I did not care what I had to do to get my suffering to stop.. I just needed something to fix it..

I pulled my phone from out of my pocket and searched on YouTube “How To Stop Panic Attacks” .. I came across this video..

I clicked play, I then closed my eyes.. As Barry began to speak, I listened sincerely to every single word that he said as if it was coming from a psychologist talking directly to me.. By the end of the short video.. My panic subsided and I was back to normal. I had no understanding of how this video had such a profound effect on the situation that I found myself in, in that moment.. I floated off to sleep..

When I woke up the next morning I remembered the night that I had just had.. I went back to YouTube to find that video again to watch it.

This time, I wanted to understand why this video fixed me in the most desperate moment of my life..

I found a moment in the video where Barry says:

“Now I want you embrace & welcome this feeling of increased anxiety, once you change your attitude about having this moment of panic.. You will flow with your emotions instead of trying to resist them. You by doing this are giving the sensations the freedom to be there and manifest any way that they please.”

He then says:

“I then want you to make a direct request to your body and mind for more.. More of the panic, more of the sensations that you are fearful of feeling, ask your heart to beat faster and demand that if something was really going to happen to you in this moment of panic that it should happen right in this very moment instead of just being a moment of dramatic nonsense.”

When those words played through my speakers.. My mind was blown. It all began to make sense…

Anxiety only lives in you after it scares you into fearing it one good time.. You then spend your life trying to resist any feeling/sensation that you have that makes you think that you are about to have another panic attack.

Nothing negative is going to happen to you as a result of being in a state of panic. It is something like a safety feature that our brains came equipped with when we were born. More of a primitive safety feature that our ancestors had to rely on almost daily to keep them alive.

The safety mechanism is called the “fight or flight response”. All of the physiological symptoms that you feel during a panic attack are a by product of your brain getting your body ready to run at full-speed away from a predator (ex: lion, cheetah, beat, etc).

In 2019,however, not very many of us have to worry about predators in our daily lives & this safety feature can malfunction and trick you into being extremely afraid of absolutely nothing at all more than your own thoughts.

Once you prove to yourself by thinking and moving through a future anxious moment that you can immediately make it go away by sincerely changing how you think during the moment of panic..

Your anxiety can no longer control you..

You will be in control of it!

-Eli Knox ( www.eliknox.com )

[sneezykittle-blog]

I have anxiety and my humanities teacher had everyone write about something that happened as a domino effect like a new relationship or trip or something and I decided to write about my panic attacks. We write the essays and then give it to our table peers to edit and look over. I had to give mine to the only person in that room that saw my first panic attack and I was terrified. He liked it and said it was good and I was relieved but ANYWAY. Here it is and I hope it helps some ppl know that’s you are not alone and maybe you’ll like it or find some peace... Life as I See It “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live (J.K. Rowling).” “Life is what’s happening to you while you’re busy making other plans (John Lennon).” “To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty).” These quotes all have one word in common: life. It is the very thing I forgot about when I was in the middle of my own chaos and it is the very thing I thought I would lose in the beginning of a long journey. The journey of self discovery. By dwelling on the past, one will miss life, by overthinking one’s problems, one will forget life, and by closing one’s self away from family, one will miss out on life’s purpose. To start, constantly thinking about the past caused me to have problems by triggering a terrifying spell, embarrassment, and another scare. I was in my second grade classroom learning about the abyss when I started to gasp for air. I thought I was dying as I braced myself with the chair nearest to me. This was a first for me. I was embarrassed around everybody that saw me have it, too. After that I couldn’t stop wondering what happened to me. Consequently, the day following my incident, I had another one in the middle of language. I screamed and ran to Mrs. Davis’ door. Again, I thought I was dying. This made me even more embarrassed around my peers and scared at what was happening to me, for I didn’t realize what it was. I didn’t want to tell my parents, fearing what they will think of me and the longer I thought about the facts, the more anxious I got. Lingering over the happenings of those days and what could have resulted caused increasing stress and anxiety, and this caused me to momentarily refrain from living my own life. Next, overthinking about the issues I’ve been having have caused me to forget about life by distracting me from sleep, caring for those around me, and from taking notice of myself. To begin, after a few years, I was sitting in my mom’s apartment, perfectly content. That is, until helicopters blared flashing lights into our windows and sirens wailed in the parking lot. This caused me to be afraid of that complex from that day forward and I always was wary when walking around. I was also forgetful of what my sister may have thought of this and didn’t try to comfort her at all. Of course, I freaked out, thinking there was a robber or murderer in the complex, so I panicked and nearly fainted twice. I haven’t ever gotten over what that really felt like and I’m afraid to faint now. The episode also lasted for a while. Also, by then I had figured out what was happening to me and my mom and my sister tried to help me more than I helped them; I was a mess that night. Then, I ran to the shower when I thought I was going to pass out, letting the water wake me up. I learned that trick by myself that day and was pretty proud of that. However, I still didn’t get sleep that night for another hour and that affected the next day terribly. I didn’t take care of my long term needs at all, either. All in all, I learned that I need to stay calm and help those around me, including myself, in situations like this and I’ve used that realization to help with later panic attacks. Finally, my panic attacks have affected my interactions with my family because of fear, instinct, and surprise. First, the same year as my earlier panic attack, my stepmom, Jackie, cut her finger off chopping potatoes while my sister and I played Just Dance. Immediately, My dad noticed this and yelled “Everybody get in the car, we are driving to the hospital!” Luckily, my family was calm so therefore I calmed down, too. Unsurprisingly, I reacted by sprinting out of the garage door, stepping onto the front yard grass, and gulping the fresh air. It was my instinct to sprint out of the house. Yet, my fear and surprise caused me to be unable to talk much to my family or find comfort in having my family near me. This developed my phobia of a gas leak. When my dad yelled for everybody to get in the car, I thought it was because we had all breathed in a fatal gas. This panic attack caused numerous more panic attacks, too. But I learned that my family can be used as comfort when I’m having anxiety. Also, I learned that my dad can be a little dramatic sometimes and that fact saved me from more panic attacks. I didn’t get as scared when he freaked out. Thus, my life finally was put back on track and found some purpose in it later on because I could control my life. Ultimately, through panic attacks I learned more about myself than I had anticipated because I found that I can prevent panic attacks if I stop dwelling them, overthinking them, and letting them block my relationship with my family. It was hard to live with something so uncommon and stressful at that age; it took me years to master even the smallest anxiety attacks. Even now, I can’t stop some of the anxiety from getting to me. However, I have learned so much about myself from these experiences and have used highly effective coping mechanisms that, possibly, can help me finally move on from the past, clear up my thoughts, and to truly feel like a regular person. Truly feel what it’s like to live life.