#loving someone you cant have

[harrypotterandthefandomaccount]

everybody plays the fool

pairing: remus lupin x fem!reader

request: not requested, just based on personal experience & struggles rn lol

warnings: fluff, angst, loving someone else who is in a relationship, hurt, unrequited love? kinda?

note: recently experienced this with someone very important to me so super slay! some of these quotes are exactly what he said, which is kinda funny to use them in a fic. anyway, enjoy your early christmas present since i havent posted in 9 months!!!

remus lupin was not a bad person by any means, no, but at the present moment, you wish he was so you had some kind of 'backup' for your hurt.

you and remus had been close for a number of years, your relationship flourishing once you joined the order. he was very protective and observant of you, ready to jump into action if you needed his help - but he was not overwhelming. he respected you, that much was clear, and if you needed him to care for you, he'd be there in a heartbeat.

his standing with romantic relationships was something that you were not always 100% clear on, and you never pushed him to clarify or share that part of his life with you. but members of the order had told you of past partners, and to your knowledge, he was single - and life was good. you felt comfortable being a bit more flirty with him and hanging around him more often than usual. remus never seemed to mind and was glad to have you around, and your heart fluttered like a golden snitch.

well, up until you found out he had a girlfriend.

when word had spread, you backed off immediately. flirting with him, making suggestive comments, and of the sorts was no longer your place, and while it stung, you respected it. ruining a relationship was not on your bucket list. but really, you shouldn't have worried too much about yourself.

remus had been showing you around grimmauld place, as sirius typically had old photos of their younger selves, and when you had discovered a bunch of old polaroids of the marauders, remus was quick to delve into his past at hogwarts. you ran your thumb over the photos, fondly looking at the group of boys.

you glanced up at remus, "i have to say, rem, this photo looks nothing like you," a soft laugh escaping your lips.

remus chuckled, "that was when i was young, y/n, full of hopes and dreams, handsome. you missed my prime."

you laughed along with him, but you sensed part of words held a bit of truth behind them, "i feel robbed of not being around during your prime, with the way you describe it."

remus shrugged, a sigh escaping him, "yes, well, that was when i used to be somewhat attractive and before all of this madness."

the words slipped before you could stop, "in a non-weird, platonic way, you're still attractive so don't let time control your happiness and contentment with your life, remus."

he blushed from your words, smiling lightly, "in a non-weird, platonic way, i kind of like that you said that."

you looked at one another, your lips mindlessly swiping over your lips. remus cleared his throat, "I'm sorry, i shouldn't have said that-"

you shook your head, "no, i overstepped - i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable..."

it was now remus's turn to shake his head, a soft smile on his face, "we both apologized, so i think we're even, darling. I'll see you at dinner."

after that first encounter, you decided to put some distance between you and lupin; you had figured it was the best option in avoiding any kind of awkward tension. and, for the most part, it worked. there were a few instances where you had to interact, but it was for the order and while things weren't necessarily awkward, it settled your mind.

soon enough, christmas had rolled around and yourself, along with the rest of the order and the kids, had decided to spend the holidays at grimmauld place. the house was bustling with such positive, happy energy and it was exactly what you needed.

remus and yourself were currently outside on the steps, sitting down as you people-watched. it was quite calming, had you not been a bit anxious considering it was your first time being alone with him in a while.

"so," remus started, "how have you been? i feel like we have not seen each other in a while."

you turned to him, smiling lightly, "good! currently doing a lot of raids for the ministry and sometimes that includes sleeping outside and just waiting. not ideal, but it's...life."

remus raised his eyebrows, "that's hell! you deserve better than that - do you have anywhere to sleep, like a tent?"

you shrugged, "sometimes we can conjure one, other times we decide to wait it out."

playing with his fingers, remus blew out a breath, "i'd say i would join you, but considering we spend enough time together here as it is, I'm not sure that it would be as fun."

you shook your head, "you said it yourself, we haven't seen each other in a while - it would be a blast having you there, if it weren't for the ministry." remus smiled at your reply.

soon enough, remus and you fell into a routine whenever you both were at grimmauld place: talking a stroll outside, sharing stories about your childhoods and memories that held importance, before heading back inside for the night.

you were incredibly thankful for grimmauld place. it had become a home, somewhere to rely on if you just needed some bustling of life, socialization, or love. tonight, an important quidditch playoff was on, and soon enough, the adults were becoming tipsy due to muggle alcohol.

you wouldn't have taken any action if remus's girlfriend was around, but she wasn't, so you took this opportunity to help the lycanthrope upstairs and into bed.

"remus lupin, you party animal," you chuckled, helping him discard of his shoes and vest. his face was a bit flushed as he laughed, "y/n, i-i don't want to-to be, but if i must."

with a snort, you shook off remus's vest, "even when drunk, you're still able to form coherent, intelligent sentences. here," you paused, placing some muggle ibuprofen and water on his bedside table, "take care of yourself for tomorrow morning."

remus gave a slightly-drunken smile, "thanks for taking care of me."

you folded up his vest, placing it on a chair in his bedroom, "of course, anything for the best guy around."

he groaned, "you don't have-have to say that, it's not true."

in your head, you sighed, 'oh merlin, please do not a self-pity drunk, remus.'

you sat down next to him on the bed, "rem, I'm not sure where that thought came from, but you are an amazing guy - you're the best. none of this negative self-talk, okay?"

remus laid back, eyes glossing over, "i'm sorry if i don't live up to that all the time, if i changed your perception of me."

you leaned over, grasping his hand, "remus, life isn't about keeping score or living up to expectations. it's about loving the way that you are living and as long as you are happy, that is the most important thing. be kinder to yourself, rem."

remus sighed, holding onto your hand a bit tighter, "ah, I'm just rambling...but y/n, i appreciate you, genuinely. i love you."

pang.

you gave a saddened smile, but hid it well enough that he didn't ask questions, "i love you too, remus."

remus then began giggling to himself, hiding his face between his hands. you laughed as well, unsure as to why, but he had brightened your gloomy feelings immediately. with a squeeze of his hand, you questioned remus, "what's got you so giggly, lupin?"

he laughed softly once more, "just-just thinking about the time i slept at the top of the astronomy tower."

your eyebrows raised high with surprise, "excuse me? when was this, and can we do it at some point?"

remus nodded his head excitedly, "of course, darling. it-it was a few years ago, yes, but quite fun! but, i should warn you - it gets veryyyy chilly up there." his eyes went wide, as though remembering the cold, and shivered. you tightened the blanket around him.

with a smile, you continued, "no worries, we'll bring our fair share of pillows and blankets, don't worry, rem."

remus looked over at you, his drunkenness slowly leaving his body, "can we share, y/n?"

as if you'd say no.

"of course, remus, whatever you'd like."

"hmm, no pillow wall."

you raised an eyebrow, "pillow wall? for what, rem?"

he hummed, "to separate us, but we don't need one...i like it when you call me that, rem."

your face flushed red, but hope he didn't notice as he continued, "i tend to get hot in the middle of the night."

'don't agitate the conversation, don't encourage it.'

"well, rem, unfortunately i'm the exact opposite and i get cold in the middle of the night."

remus softly chuckled, playing with your fingers, "oh, so you may need help to warm up? you know, you could always get warmer...there are certainly some ways."

shit.

you sighed, a sad smile on your face as you brushed remus's hair back, "get some sleep before you say something you might regret. goodnight, rem." and with that, you left the room in a hurry.

you cried that night, upset and angry at yourself for playing into his drunken flirting and suggestive tones. he clearly didn't know what he was saying, but you did, and took advantage of that. ugh, you hated how that made you feel. he had a girlfriend who he loved (you assume), and what you said and suggested...oh god, how were you two going to be friends?

remus awoke the next morning, aware of what he had said. if he was being honest, he knew what he said to you as he wasn't really that drunk. and he knew once you were aware of that fact, you'd be even more upset at him. getting out of bed, remus was met with the smell of tea, which wafted through the house until he saw you outside on the steps, knee bouncing nervously.

the lycanthrope met you outside and without looking behind you, you knew who it was. remus sat down beside you, tonks on his mind as he tried to formulate what he was going to say. nymphadora was his priority, his girlfriend, his love. but why did he do this to her, to you?

"how're you feeling this morning? any hangover symptoms?" you questioned, just trying to move past the awkwardness.

remus shrugged, "i feel fine, believe it or not. how are you?"

you bit your lip, "okay. didn't get much sleep, wasn't able to shut my brain off." or your tears.

remus glanced at you; you looked exhausted and with the fresh-looking bags under your eyes, he knew you cried. and with that knowledge, his heart panged.

you took in a shaky breath before whispering, "are we okay after last night? i-i couldn't sleep because of it."

remus sighed, nodding his head, "i couldn't either, darling."

you cringed, and he noticed.

remus continued, "it's not on you, y/n, it's on me, and i'm sorry. it was a shitty thing of me to do."

you looked down, your fingernails becoming the most interesting thing in the world, "I'm sorry, too. i shouldn't have continued the conversation. it's not all on you, rem."

remus looked towards you but your head remained down, "y/n...i-i think we both went with it but it got real at some point but i did that." he paused before continuing, "let me take responsibility."

you furrowed your eyebrows, meeting his eyes once you looked up, "remus, you were drunk, i fed into your drunken conversation-"

he interrupted you, "if we're being honest, i wasn't that drunk. let me be better, y/n, please."

your heart ached as it shattered into pieces, trying to mend itself back together. he wasn't that drunk when he said those things to you last night? you became increasingly confused, upset, angry, heartbroken. this man had worked his way into your heart, becoming not only a true friend, but someone you loved. and when a flirty conversation began taking a turn, he knew exactly what he was doing, saying.

but you couldn't have him, and the way this conversation is headed, you would never.

"i just want us to be okay," you whispered the half-truth, wishing you could say what you truly wanted from him. that you wanted him.

remus grasped your hand before letting go as he felt you tense, "you are not in the wrong at all, y/n. we are more than okay."

with a nod, you bit your lip once more, "just-just let me know if i overstep, okay?"

the lycanthrope looked over your face before turning towards the street, "i wanted you to overstep last night, y/n, so take that worry and throw it away. i truly wasn't that drunk, and what i said - what i did - was unfair and selfish, and i won't do it again."

you wanted to sob. he wanted you to overstep, to break his resolve concerning you and his current relationship. remus lupin may not have been entirely sober but he was aware of what he wanted, and he doesn't deny it. this was his way of moving on, of validating your feelings and hoping it wouldn't affect anything. he'd get past it, he had to. he loved nymphadora.

but you loved him. remus lupin gave you thousands of butterflies in your stomach to the point where it made you nauseous. you showed up to grimmauld place more often than you liked just for the off-chance of seeing remus. your autonomic body functions shut down and your palms became increasingly sweaty at the thought of him. you were enamored with remus lupin, but he was enamored with someone else who he didn't see as often as you.

you were the fool in the game of love. you were there as a convenience.

you wanted to tell him that you loved him, that thinking of him made you nauseous - but in a romantic way. you want to know what it is like to kiss him, to wake up next to him, to say "i love you" in a romantic sense.

before you realized it, tears began running down your cheeks. remus turned you towards him, wiping your tears. you felt as though you were going to be sick.

"i'm sorry i made you cry," he whispered, remorse and guilt heavy in his tone. he knew what you were feeling.

you shook your head, making remus move his hands as you wipied your tears, "ugh, no, emotions are just dumb."

remus sighed with a nod, "that they are, and they get us into trouble."

your mind was racing.

he continued, "but having and expressing them is the most important thing any of us can do. whether we are overstepping or not." more tears began to flow as remus finished, "that's why everyone loves you so much; emotions are your superpower. i love working alongside you, and knowing you, y/n. truly."

with a tear-ridden face, you turned to remus and gave him a sad smile, "thank you, remus." with a pause, wondering if you should say anything else, you continued, "I'll see you inside."

before he could say anything else, you went inside and up to your bedroom, the covers becoming your comfort and safe place for your tears.

you were utterly in love with remus lupin, but he was utterly in love with nymphadora tonks. and while you guessed that remus knew your feelings towards him, he had an obligation to her, history with her, and you'd never compare. you wanted to overstep, but doing so would be wrong. you knew that time would pass, that you'd get over remus lupin eventually, but at the moment, he owned your heart while he loved someone else.

you assumed, that everybody plays the fool at some point in the game of love.

[inkskinned]

you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.

but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.

i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.

so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.

you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."

i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"

"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.

i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.

and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.

you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."

"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."

you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.

i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"

"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."

"do i die?"

you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."

"oh."

"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."

i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.

i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.

"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."

i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.

you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."

"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.

you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."

"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.

i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."

you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."

"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."

"you could always die, to be fair."

i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"

"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."

i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."

"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."

i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"

"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."

i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push my heel into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"

i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.

"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."

you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.

you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.

i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.

[astronnova]

doodles (as i avoid work) of the super awesome you wouldn't like me alive fic by @ectoplasmranch which i binge read in a 7 hour sitting yesterday

[just-null]

Do you ever do requests? If so, do you ever plan on drawing some Yandere with the Hantengu clones? :D hope you have a good day/night!!!

Mentioning an unfamiliar name

yes!! I love yanderes.. and these guys.. these guys are such good material...... nods nods..

I'm not sure about requests..I assume you mean drawing requests? I suppose if it REALLY catches my interest enough, I'd do it, but it'd probably just be line art/sketches.

[gotbuckleys]

hey. imagine buck and tommy decide to live together in tommy’s little fixer upper. buck installs one of those ring cameras for security but like…then imagine buck is trying his hand at like…idk insta reels. he sets one up facing the front door from the inside and records like six months worth of home comings because it’ll be cute right? a way to capture his man and their life that he can keep forever like the scrapbook he still has from thomas and mitchell.

so. theres quite a few captures of tommy coming home from work, buck greeting him at the door with a kiss. theres tommy coming in from a run and grinning as soon as he catches sight of buck through the hallway, in the kitchen. at some point theres ones of tommy coming in and dropping to his knees to greet the belgian shepherd they adopted after one of tommy‘s old military buddies hit him up about taking the dog on because he was getting redeployed.

theres a few of tommy easing the door open silently and closing it gently because buck is in sleeping off a 48. theres a few of tommy barreling in shoulder first after his own 48, dead on his feet, hanging his keys up on the hook just out of frame and then resting his forehead against the wall for a few seconds before trudging upstairs.

theres one of tommy and buck slamming the door open with their hands all over each other, and buck throwing a cheeky grin at the camera while tommy mouths at his jaw and manhandles him further inside. theres one of tommy opening the door gently with jee-yun‘s hand in his own and buck behind them smiling softly. theres even some of tommy opening the door and buck materialising so he can scare the shit of him.

and maybe a few months in, theres one where tommy comes home and makes eye contact with the camera for a few seconds (but buck doesn’t clock this until he edits the footage).

and maybe a month or so after tommy clocks the camera we get a home coming. but this time, its buck opening the door. only to be greeted with tommy on one knee, open box in hand. of course, buck’s smile is bright enough to crack the sky in two. and when the ring is affixed and tommy has buck in his arms and they are spinning around and giggling like a scene out of one of the romance films tommy adores, we see tommy stop and settle his hands around bucks waist, tuck his nose into his curls, and wink at the camera.

[bunnieswithknives]

Thanks.

Prev

[trappedinafantasy37]

Larian statistics got us like:

[tubbytarchia]

I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional

[justaz]

merlin (immortal) giving arthur (pendragon) the only blade that could kill him

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Parallel Lines and Brothers.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[elainiisms]

"x loves x more" SHUT UP!!!!!! they need to both be equally in love with each other or i DIE

[sp0o0kylights]

I saw a video today that said, “It’s very uncomfortable as an adult when your friend starts to date somebody who sucks, and you’re all looking at each other going ‘Guys, if this is the person who makes them happy…I think collectively as a unit we can agree that we would rather see them sad. So what's the plan?’” 

And immediately went: modern Steddie AU were Steve dates his high school friend Tommy and everyone is tearing their hair out over how awful he’s being treated. 

Ft. the Party, led by Dustin, hounding Eddie “I could get a man in a SECOND, I just CHOOSE not to date” Munson for help

However:

Eddie is mostly thinking the entire thing is a joke (King Steve and Tommy Hagan? Gay? Together?? Nice try Henderson.) until he runs into Robin. She laments that yeah, they’re bi, but more importantly, Tommy is fucking awful and Steve refuses to see it. 

2. Eddie, maybe, kind of, still has a crush on Steve ("Stop laughing Gareth, everyone has--had! Had a crush on him!") and the guy was never THAT bad in high school---but Tommy Hagan definitely was and a little revenge would be fun.

and finally;

3. Instead of going with the kids' well intentioned but very misguided “Let’s get Eddie to Steal Steve” plan, Eddie meets up with the Robin/Nancy/Jonathan/Argyle/Chrissy dream team to figure out how to prove to Steve that Tommy is horrible. 

Bonus: Robin and Nancy come up with a full proof multi step plan that involves Eddie pissing off Tommy in ways that look completely innocent. The hope is that Steve will see how controlling and unreasonable Tommy is, and break it off.

This hurts no one and just highlights to Steve Tommy's behavior.

Of course, Eddie goes off the rails immediately upon meeting Steve.

Instead of following The Plan, he, with the kids permission and help, gets Tommy to get blow up about THEM.

This is far more successful.

Bonus x2: A large amount of shenanigan's with the kids vs Tommy are involved. As is a scene were Steve breaks down and admits he knows Tommy is terrible, but Tommy puts up with him and Steve "knows how he is."

Eddie goes home, prints out a picture of Tommy and throws cheap ren fair daggers at it for at least three solid hours while he tries to think up ways to prove to Steve Harrington that his parents are wrong, hes very lovable actually.

In fact Eddie would very much like a shot at trying it out, thanks!

(It is also, inevitably, successful.)

[moeblob]

So does he, Gallagher.

[daftpatience]

it was volo. its volo. im deeply in love w him

[cannot-catch-a-god-damn-break]

i feel like people are sleeping on the idea of childhood friends Danny and Jason

where Danny is caught up in grief and what not and his parents decide to move to amity cause it would aid there research and be good for Danny.

And then after bad Fenton parent stuff happens Danny goes to gotham for uni and throughout all of this has still had contact with Dick or Tim idk and sees them every so ofter and finds out Jason has been alive for around a year now and is so pissed

then its a slow burn of the batfam trying to get danny to not freak out and trust them and then jason and danny slowly getting together and falling in love. (Maybe even through in some interactions with the joker or red hood)

Yeah i love this idea and really want people who can actually write to make this

[circusk]

wings and love