#love that i'm still learning new things about myself
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someprettyname · 1 day ago
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HELP I NEED TO STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM DOING THIS NOW THIS IS TOO CUTE
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That's me ladies and gentlemen 😌
i shall now answer the questions 😌
Oh my god 😭 don't even ask. I have thousands of things that i like to do. Listening to podcasts, catching up with friends, reading, writing, dancing, singing, watching new shows are among the top things I've been doing recently. When I'm not as academically stressed, i like to teach myself new stuff and skills as well. Recently, a few months ago I was trying to learn guitar and drawing.
Ooooh. Long answer. Hobbies are the one i mentioned. Podcasts always make me happy because I'm learning something new. I got more into it and year and half ago. Catching up with friends has to do with my extrovertism more of, that's a whole personal lore on how i discovered the importance of socialising haha! Reading is just there because it's fun, i got more into it a few years ago...it's almost been 4 years. My reader friends got me into it. Writing, i got more into it in last November. That's when I started writing fics. Singing was one of the earliest things I realised, it also has a long lore so some other day mayhaps. Dancing is also a recent thing, I got more into it when I realised "oh hold on. I'm actually good at this.". It helps me relieve the physical tension accumulated in my body 😌
Tumbbad - that's one movie i re-watched recently and GOD. WHAT AMAZING CINEMATOGRAPHY IT HAS. It's visual are such that it won't leave you for A VERY LONG TIME. It's based on greed...what a masterpiece. Truly. Loved it.
Anything, really. As long as I vibe with it :3
If I sneak in Krishna here would it be cheating- no? Okay. Not Krishna then. Sigh. Draupadi from Mahabharat. Hiori and Ness from blue lock. Inej from six of crows. I'm still exploring hq so I'm not going to talk about it yet. And yeah, that's all I can remember for now.
That's it 👍🏻
Tagging : @behindthepuppetshow
tag + q&a game ₊˚ෆ
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hello! i thought it would be cute and exciting to do a tag game with all my mutuals to not only talk about themselves, but have fun! so here is my short little game:
alongside this picrew, share 5 things about yourself!
• how do you spend your free time? • what are your hobbies and how did you get into them? • what book or movie left a lasting impression on you? • what kind of music do you enjoy? • who is your favorite character (atm or all time) and why?
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i will start first!
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my name is rurumi and i enjoy spending my free time writing!
some of my hobbies (outside of writing) includes: drawing, building gundams and keyboards, and fashion! i got into most of them on a whim and became instantly hooked. aside from self-expression, being into fashion also helps with making friends in college because you always have something to talk about!
a book that left a lasting impression on me would have to be either kafka on the shore by haruki murakami or before the coffee gets cold by toshikazu kawaguchi. both stories have kept me up at night thinking a lot about the 'what ifs' in life.
i enjoy soul/r&b alongside anything of jrock influence, but i will basically listen to anything that sounds good. i am currently listening to 'so what' by lucy!
my favorite character at the moment is rin itoshi from blue lock because hes so ridiculously edgy, but at the same time i sympathize with him a lot. on the other hand, my favorite character of all time is suletta mecury from the witch from mercury series, she's an absolute ball of sunshine that i aspire to be.
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tagging (+ no pressure) ₊˚ෆ
@kaiser1ns @naenaex0xx @shomatoriashi @choccorin @ryescapades
@rindreamery @soleillunne @kissxcore @rainswept @mitsvriii
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simp-ly-writes · 3 days ago
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The Comments Section (pt.8)
─────── · · A Social Media AU Fic
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Pairing: Spencer Agnew x gn!Reader
─ · · SUMMARY: after taking some time away from the spotlight, you return to surprise friends and fans alike with your more recent updates...
─ · · TAGS: gender-neutral pronouns, slowburn, fluff, light angst, cheesiness, friends that act like lovers, friends to lovers, mutual pining, attempt at humour, social media au.
─ · · MASTERLIST | TAGLIST REQUEST | PART SIX | PART SEVEN | PART NINE
─ · · A/N: can't believe its been over a month since the last update, sorry about that y'all 😬 but hope you enjoy this part!
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🔔 (name)s_username just posted for the first time in awhile.
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Liked by co_mill, spennser, sydney_sweeney, and others
(name)s_username Hey... so it's been awhile. I've taken time away from the internet and from the cameras to focus on myself and on my relationships and in that time I realized how far I was pushing myself and other's away from me.
I will be taking a step away from my on-screen role(s) at Smosh since it is not fair to you, the fans or to anyone working at Smosh to work around my schedule. I will try and make guest appearances if I can and I'm sorry if I ever got your hopes up for things to go back to where they started but I hope that at least some of you will come out to support my new projects and I understand fully if you cannot.
Thank you to my team, my friends at Smosh, Sydney and Glen, and to Spencer for always being there for me. I know that I have not been myself these past few months but I think I'm finally finding what I need so stay tuned for a more happy update later lol.
Love you all!
View all 7,342 comments
username01 Always supported you and always will, (name)! Hope you find what you're looking for 💕
co_mill gonna miss having you, bestie! But I can already see how much happier you are and that makes me happy! 😊
↳ (name)s_username you're so sweet. I'll miss you too, bestie! 🥹🫶
username44 eh, still does not make up for everything. I felt like you used Spencer and Smosh to make your "career."
username70 Mixed feeling about this but wishing you the best!
anthonypadilla your dads are here to give you a virtual hug goodbye, so here it is!
↳ ian_hecox yeah, best hug you ever had here: ↳ (name)s_username I can feel it! 🤣
username22 I don't know about you, but I'm feeling dust in my eyes! I'm sad to see (name) go but if they can be like an Olivia or Keith- I can live with that ❤️
angelagiovanagiarratana wait so you're LEAVING? WTF GUYS why does nobody ever tell me anything?!? Like good for you bestie, you get that mental health back on track but seriously? I had to come here from twitter to learn this 😭
↳ (name)s_username Girl! I left you a voice memo yesterday 👀 ↳ angelagiovanagiarratana oh shit, I thought that was spam 😬 ↳ username30 OMG LMAO!!! 🤣
username88 I was so worried about you! Happy to know you're back on the up and up again 💕
shayne_topp you're gonna kill it out there but you'll always have a seat at smosh cast to tell me and Amanda all about it!
↳ (name)s_username give me a month or two and I will be there lol ↳ shayne_topp counting on it!
filmingamanda happy post you say? 😉
tomeybones who's gonna cry with my in the bathroom now??
spennser 🫶
↳ (name)s_username 🫶
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🔔 SmoshGames just uploaded! Turn off notifications here.
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Thank you (Name)!
Smosh Games ✓ [Subscribed] 👍 4k | 👎 7.75M subscribers 1.1M views 2 days ago #2 on trending a complication of (name) moments from over the years... click to expand
5,992 Comments
⚲ Pinned by Creator Smosh Games ✓ From a decade of on and off-camera shenanigans, everyone here at Smosh wishes (name) the very best! (even though we are jealous others get to work with them too). Be sure to comment your favourite memory/moment of (name)!
username01 this feels like a bad break-up since you're still in love with them lol 😭
↳ username61 you know that this is going to happen with everyone one day but you never expect today. fuck i'm going to miss them. * [this comment has been censored for interfering with Youtube's Community Guidelines; for more information press HERE]
username30 everyone is out here acting like they died. PEOPLE (NAME) IS GOING TO COME BACK FOR SPECIALS DONT WORRY! god.
username24 I still think back to that hide and seek video, I hope that future update comfirms (yourshipname) for good!
username77 "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
username11 (name) falling over and accidentally discovering what is cake by face plant will never not be the best moment on this channel 🤣
username40 where are all the "#imdonewith(name)" people now?? Sure to have changed their tune quickly...
(yourshipname)updates ✓ any moment with (name) and Spencer is a certified classic for Smosh. I mean they are the Shayne and Courtney of nerds.
username09 I was so scared that (name) was going to fall into that Hollywood lifestyle... happy yo know that they're still there.
username52 "this isn't goodbye, it's see you later" - and I'm counting on it for (name)'s return!
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🔔 (name)s_username just posted, check it out!
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Liked by spennser, ian_hecox, tomeybones and others
(name)s_username good company, 9/10, could have talked more about movies but was too caught up on video games. idk if I would recommend for anyone else 😬
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username01 (name) be having the most aesthetic blog possible in this new era and I'm here for it 💕
spennser decided to take out the image of my soul-crushing win?
↳ (name)s_username no! I left it in right beside you almost face planting if you scroll to the left 😄 ↳ spennser ☹️ ↳ (name)s_username 😂 ↳ username40 I seriously cannot tell if this is a soft launch or them just being dumbasses again...
username80 just two friends spending casual friend time together... right? right? right? 👀
damien_Hass why wasn't I invited??? you know how much I love bowling!
↳ (name)s_username next time 100%!
filmingamanda I think I used to work in a bowling alley... then again maybe it was mini golf place. Anyways cute pictures!!
username30 eh, I'll count this as a win for (yourshipname).
username00 WHY ARE WE ALL SO CALM, THIS IS A SOFT LAUNCH PEOPLE. A. SOFT. LAUNCH. You heard it here first, folks!
username11 waiting on Spencers post now to confirm it but AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. Has the angst finally stopped for some fluff???
username16 Love how all the regular comments are being stationed at the top for us shippers to be down in the trenches analyzing every image.
username19 " idk if I would recommend for anyone else..." mhmm yup, you take that man!
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🔔 This post is getting a lot of likes! Check it out!
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Liked by (name)s_username, anthonypadilla, filmingamanda and others
spennser do the math- the answer's probably right.
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(name)s_username so lets see here, college meet-up + years working together - a few years and months apart x some texts = ...
↳ spennser I mean I would format it a bit differently but I came to the same conclusion 🤷 ↳ username60 now they are just playing with us, what is this curelty??!?! Spit. it. out. already. please!
username24 so the answer I got was "and then they kissed," am I right?
username00 I've always hated math.
↳ tomeybones fuck! someone already took my caption!
co_mill the math is mathing so hard rn.
shayne_topp so... beopordy (math edition) next?
username01 only real fans will remember that 1st picture 🫶
filimgamanda I've never felt older in a comment's section till now, WTF is a "soft launch"
↳ ian_hecox ummm, its when Nasa tries to send off something or something like that ↳ filimgamanda oh, okay! ↳ username40 its like watching two robots communicate with one another 😭 ↳ username10 not another Harambe situation again!!
username43 Alexa? please order me another three bottles of wine. we're gonna need them...
─────── · ·
─ · · A/N: only two more parts to go!
─ · · SPENCER AGNEW TAGLIST: @lisiliely @missflufffanfics @little-stitious-studios @thejourneyneverendsx @sibsteria @lizzylynch1 @babble2 @delaneyburghardt @thevintagefangirl @uniquely-haunting @maricarorp @sarahskywalker-amidala @laurasdrey
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kaija-rayne-author · 19 hours ago
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Some thoughts on Dragon Age Veilguard a couple weeks after playing/reviewing it.
Obligatory disclaimer, feel free to skip to the cut if you've read it.
Something came to my attention. I need to make it crystal clear that I utterly love the diversity in DAV. It's fantastic. I'm also a heavily left leaning, non-binary, queer as fuck reviewer, editor, and author.
Please be safe and take care of yourselves. Arguing with incels and white supremacists is completely pointless. They sea lion worse than an actual sea lion. Your mental health is important.
Though, every single time the anti-queer brigade comes out for a new DA game, I sit there thinking 'have you bozos ever played any DA game, like, ever?' My guess is nope.
Note: My reviews for DA and my blog posts about DAV in particular aren't edited. I don't have the time, energy, or heart to edit them properly.
It's been 16 days since I finished DAV.
And sadly, my opinion still hasn't changed. Especially after learning about Joplin from my friend's artbook. (Joplin is the original concept and art concepts for the game. It had so much we were all really desperate to see. It was gorgeous. And they scrapped it.)
I don't know why they scrapped it, it was exactly what so many of us wanted.
Honestly? I don't care why. I'm sick of all the excuses people keep making for BioWare turning out such a shitty game.
Were there reasons and difficulties I don't know and will never know about? There usually are.
But those things are honestly irrelevant when it comes to producing a quality product.
I work my ever loving ass off to make sure my books are good. And I don't have a team to help me and a 250 million dollar budget. I do everything myself because I have to.
Indie studios turn out fantastic games with cool worlds, good fighting systems, and interesting monsters all the time. With some help and some budget, sure. But not likely on the scale of what they had for DAV.
I'm both a creator and an editor. When you're making a product for sale, it's incredibly foolish to change a series title too much from what worked before. Sure, fix problems, streamline stuff, but people generally don't play RPGs for anything past the worldbuilding, writing, story, and characters. There's action RPGs, sure. I'm playing one now and loving it (Greedfall).
It's a solid RPG that feels like an RPG. (DAV did not.) The fighting system works. The companions are actually useful. They kill bad guys all by themselves! It's quite refreshing tbh.
When you're creating something for fun, sure, do what the fuck ever you want as long as it isn't harmful to someone else. (Don’t put words in my mouth. By harmful, I mean specifically things like racism, sexism, ableism etc. Not whether someone dislikes the colour green and thinks the word 'triggered' means unhappy or uncomfortable. It doesn't. It's specifically a needed mental health term.)
When you're creating a product for sale, you make decisions. IE. I chose to write a reverse harem series. That's a choice influenced by the business reality that my queer books hardly sell at all.
I still love the characters and world I built, still love the plot etc. But it was still a decision on my part. Because my work of words is my only income. I'm disabled and recovering from a pulmonary embolism. My partner is recovering from a broken back and has at least one, possibly two more surgeries to go. We don't get very much help from anywhere. Money is so tight it squeaks. I'm hoping with the decision to write m/f reverse harem, my sales will improve (They already have with only two books out. Third before end of year.)
So. No. No more excuses for BioWare. They've always, from rumour, had a lot of control over the games they make, even if EA does pollute the studio by owning it.
Someone made the choices that resulted in such a shitty game. Someone approved the terrible (in some cases, racist, sexist, and ableist) writing. Someone thought the editing was just fine (it really really is not).
Someone (likely Epler given what he's said in interviews) decided that it was a good idea to Disney-fie the most recent addition to an adult, dark fantasy game that has historically delivered a lot of horror elements. While somehow condescending to kids at the same time.
Someone decided to remove so many of those dark fantasy elements. It's especially obvious in the not-fucking-darkspawn. They made them goofy, not scary and vaguely horror inspiring. But it's all throughout the game.
Someone made decisions. Those decisions made an awful game.
Someone decided tying your companions' skill points acquisition to their level of bond with you was a good idea. Maybe it looked good on paper. I don’t honestly care. It made it nigh impossible to get them high enough to be actually useful. Meaning your OP character always has aggro. Fine, I guess, if you're a tank player, but what about the rest of us?
Someone decided to remove blood splatter from a freaking BioWare game.
Someone decided to go with that wretched art style.
Someone decided nerfing the rogue class was a good idea. Why even have them? They're just light skirmishers, not rogues. Without, y'know, the rogue skills that make a rogue.
It was a decision, each and every time.
Someone decided everything about that game.
So miss me with the excuses.
I would like actual reasons, but I highly doubt we'll ever get them.
Someone made unwise and often foolish decisions during development of DAV. The results are clear.
Simply by the fact they aren't releasing sales numbers... that indicates it's probably not doing well. Larian basically called their earnings for BG3 out weekly.
It mostly just makes me sad now. DAV could've been fantastic. Because of decisions human beings in positions of power made, DAV, while having some good parts, just sucks.
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hollyhomburg · 3 days ago
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I am glad she still gets her happiness. Just gets me sad when I can’t see it so like I get stuck thinking back to the sadness. Not sure if that makes sense
of course this is a totally human reaction! i'm torn between people seeing it and just keeping it all to myself- knowing it would take me another million words to do it justice.
You should know that when jin's pups are fully grown, or at least in the toddler stage and the m/c is still coming by to sit on the porch- has not moved back in yet. the oldest one is constantly sneaking out at night to look out the window because when the m/c is out there! he always wants to share his snacks! and his hot coco!! and ice cream! because snacks are like the best?
And the m/c just- doesn't have the heart to refuse them or the pups affection. maybe they've even taking to carting around one of the m/c's old stuffed animals and he always comes out with a book and a half cold cup of hot coco and pockets overflowing with fruit snacks saying. "i get you hot coco, you give me story time, deal?" and the m/c just can't say no- they're as persuasive as jin is. And they read, maybe fall asleep and cuddle on the porch.
And when the pack wake up and look outside, they're both so sweetly intertwined, the pups head suspiciously close to the m/c's scent gland because their little honey loves to nuzzle- always does that with his parents. it's sweet and affectionate and it doesn't suprise them that he wants to scent another omega- one that was almost /almost/ a parent to him.
maybe, might still be.
because it's clear the m/c is really trying with their pup. Maybe she even comes in and stays for breakfast! and her heart tugs because Hobi still makes the best pancakes, maybe he can't look at her anymore directly without bursting into tears but no way in hell is he going to pass up the oportunity to make sure she leaves with a full belly again.
and the whole pack are trying not to be emotional at breakfast, but it's so hard, so hard when yoongi's hand shakes as he holds his coffee, when tae has to turn away and excuse herself to go upstairs where jimin finds her crying. but only for a minute, becuase she can't cry and miss it. she doesn't want to spend this morning crying.
and the pup even says what the pack doesn't, "why aren't you at the house all the time? you make appa's happy when you're here and sad when you're gone. especially yoongi appa."
"it's complicated," "whats complicated mean?" "it means dificult, like holding a cup of hot coco without spilling it." "but you have 8 hands togeather? why can't you hold onto it?" "it's not that simple pup... some things are really hard to hold onto. i kept slipping and they kept getting sad, and eventually the only want to go forward was to just leave me alone" and the little pouty thing would just hold onto her hand and refuse to let it go.
maybe until later when they fell asleep for their mid morning nap, the pup finally lets her hand go after some soft detangling. "he's clingy." and jin is just presses his chin to the pups head and says, "i guess he got that from me." "or joonie" "yeah or joonie." and jin just sways, humming, holding the pup, both of them standing close for just a minute more. "he's got soccer practice tomorrow, you gonna be there?" and the m/c would look at him long, finger on his cheeks and say "yeah, yeah i'll be there." The new au would be all about the m/c learning to show up for the pack as well as show up for herself.
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gatheredfates · 1 day ago
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Hi everyone! It's been a hot minute since I did a Compendium update, but I promise I'm not dead. For those who don't know, I got a new job! That meant pretty much the entirety of October was spent wrapping up my old job, going to my new site and trying to learn the new one. I'm on break in approximately two weeks, yay! ☃️
These updates will take on a wintery/Starlight theme to celebrate the season, much like All Saints. I hope you enjoy.
Additionally, myself and the lovely folks at SEAFLOOR are having a Catch up (for) Starlight Challenge! You should join us if you're interested. ❄️
However, without further the following communities have been added to Sea's Community Compendium for XIV Creatives.
LARGE SCALE
The Help Lines—We are a community-based discord to be used to play the critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV. We host almost all content including DRS and BA, Raiding, Deep Dungeons, Blue Mage and more. Our mission is to create a welcoming space for any individual in need of assistance to reach out and accomplish their FFXIV goals in a toxicity-free environment.
The Aether Entertainer—Founded in 2021 on Aether, The Aether Entertainer is player-made virtual magazine covering music, theatre, art, current events, and Eorzean popular culture.
LORE
Final Flowery XIV—Compiled by ann0yance(bsky)/@sa8oteur, this guide explores the various flowers in XIV, comparing them to their real-world equivalents and meanings.
On Elementals, Accountability and Criticism—An essay written by @morgana96 that explores the lore of elementals and their place in Gridania (and beyond)!
MISC
Vanilla Gpose Tips by Winterdeepelegy—A how-to guide on effectively utilising the vanilla gpose tools to create visually stunning screenshots, written by @winterdeepelegy.
WoL Reference Sheet—Created by @coldshrugs, a handy WoL reference sheet you can build in Canva!
NA GPOSE Studio/Themed Housing Directory—A player-made repository of North American Gpose studios and themed houses!
CHANGELOG
The Scholar's of Nym—The link has been modified at the request of the owner.
Skystone Co.—Has been removed at the request of its owner.
UI Macro Menus—The link has been modified to accurately reflect the bookmark.
Have you thought about joining our Tumblr Community? You can find it here!
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Want to submit? You can either fill out the google form here or send me an ask with the relevant information!
Is my space suitable for the Compendium? Most of the time, yes! Below the read more is some more information/stipulations. This is all publicly available on the document. 🦌
Below are the following things I do not accept on the Compendium:
Personal/Single-Character LFC ads. (Though these get posted to the SEAFLOOR Tumblr Community when I find them!)
Content intended for or can be used for bullying, harassment and OOC gossip. E.g. ‘Secrets’ blogs, receipts, callout posts, etc. This does not include IC tabloid blogs or other ventures used to generate roleplay.
Communities that do not have an RP/writing element (large-scale exempt).
Anything I find personally distasteful or goes against the spirit of this project.
Common-sense rule applies.
I want to put my community on the Compendium but we have an application process. Is this okay?
Yes! Just note somewhere in your application that's a requirement. The only thing that is mandatory for the Compendium is that you must be open to new members or have a public-facing/accessible facet. There's no point advertising a community if no one can join it in some way!
I want to put my Community on the compendium but I only have x number of members —
Also totally okay! People don't start with large communities. Activity is a must but, whether your server has two or two thousand members, if you're looking for new people to join, I'd love to help you find people.
I want to put my community/resource on the Compendium but I worry its too niche?
Okay, and? If your Eorzean Fishing Alliance has four members but you roleplay every second weekend, I still want to know about it. The same goes for resources; if it's relevant to the game, it'll be useful to someone.
How active does a community need to be?
If you find a community has not been active in about two/three months, send me a message and I'll take a look at it. Communities have ebbs and flows, especially event spaces that may take hiatuses depending on member interest/life events. I'm not strict in my implementation provided a space isn't dead. If a link or anything is broken, contact me asap!
I have [insert a question not stated here]?
No drama! Send me an ask or use the #Compendium channel in my Discord!
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kitchen-fridge-notes · 2 months ago
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It's 3 AM and I just realized that along with my great capacity for sensitivity and suffering comes a great capacity for strength. That sounds cliche so let me reiterate: I mean, huge, immense, absolutely BONKERS CRAZY capacity to just keep going. I wasn't just born to suffer, I was given an equal ability to endure it. It's a package deal. Even when things seem hopeless and I want to give up, I can't because I literally don't know how. When other people have run their course and are throwing in the towel, I'm just getting started. It's wired into me, it's in my nature. I could keep going forever. No matter how hard things get, literally nothing and no one can take this away from me. I was born with it and it's a part of me.
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diazsdimples · 4 months ago
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Tell me why this motherfucker is talking to someone 8 years younger than him (he's 26) in the bed we shared for 6 years, giggling like a schoolboy, just over a week after we decided to get a divorce? And he says he's not being disrespectful? Get absolutely fucked mate
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pardonmydelays · 10 months ago
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thinking about alexander longing for something to be a part of hamilton & and nina you are gonna change the world someday rosario, but also about my past & my future & i feel like i can finally see... the light?
#no i don't have a plan#no i have no idea where i'm going#but i have... ideas?#last couple weeks have been horrible to me but i feel like i've also learned a lot about myself & who i am & who i've always been#it's crazy to think that i may actually find the answer#it's all still so unclear#i don't know where i'm going yet#but i am going#and just a few days ago i was like#i can't move the mountains i can't make the flowers bloom i can't take another night up in my room waiting on a miracle#but today i am very much like#i would move the mountains make new trees & flowers grow someone please just let me know where do i go i am waiting on a miracle#i am ready come on i'm ready#(and that someone is me) so like#full of hope#for some reason#and what's crazy about it is that i've been inspired by so many things & people#my friend who's older than me went to college this year#maybe it's not too late for me#my prison gang is always so supportive & i love them so much they have no idea#my sister who's always proud of me no matter what#all those people who believe in me even if they don't even know me (i am also talking about you daisy anon you actually gave me some ideas)#my other irl friends#and music and musicals and art and... lin#oh wow this is so chaotic#but like... everything that's around me makes me feel much stronger than i've ever been#and i know i can find the right path & change my life#i will find my thing & maybe it's even closer than i think#talking shit for the hell of it*
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fionnaskyborn · 3 days ago
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wish i could stop losing stuff irretrievably. some hardware error emptied out my recycle bin a couple days earlier. just to shit on a day i'd spent being genuinely happy about the art i create. i guess. i'm tired of compromises, sick of lying that "it wasn't that important anyway", and throwing up at "oh well, can't be helped".
and yet. and yet. despite every pain, both major and minor, the love is there. the love is still there. guess i've just somehow miraculously hit that point (or gone past it a long time ago) where every grievance beyond a certain amount hurts an unspeakable amount more than it should. and it stacks. probably went overboard a while back. don't know when.
still, i adore my project. still got someone in whose arms i feel safe. hope i'll get out someday. hope i'll get a win.
#i truly do believe that if i get the rest of my work back‚ the important bits#then everything else is gonna be all fine. negligible losses. one more pain on the road to victory.#i learned what digital corpses look like yesterday. zeroes where bs and 4s and Hs should be. it sits badly in my gut. it is difficult to#have hope.#and yet#and yet i will never lose mine until it's all truly over#i'm hoping for a win. it'll be the biggest win of my life at this point. everything else can go to hell at that point.#just give me the news‚ doc. give me the tiebreaker. tell me to live or to despair.#got things to live for beyond that one piece of art i've made. got a few of them‚ in fact.#yet a life without my art seems as bleak as they come. don't know what to look for beyond that. just let me win this one time.#seven years of constant pain is more than enough no matter how you slice it. if i'm not given closure here‚ for this one thing‚ then i'll#give it to myself. will be cruel. will be tough. think it holds less pain still.#but i don't want it. don't wanna think about it. crying as i write this. don't wanna face the music. hate how it hinges on that. are all#artists like this‚ or is it just me who is insane?#i've moved on with the help of my art. without my art‚ i can't move on. can't move on from the lack of moving on‚ either. just loss after#loss after loss. but maybe. maybe not. if i win‚ i'll just cuss out this pain i'm going through right now for the rest of my days and#eventually laugh about it. losses will become scars on living tissue. emphasize on l i v i n g tissue. living‚ as in can create‚ can#continue to love‚ can continue to adore and to help and to play and to smile and all sorts of things. can do all that good stuff that makes#a life worth livin'.#so. dunno if i'm transmitting. dunno if anyone's listening. but i'm hoping for contact.#logs#black blank blah-blah-blah
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stellacadente · 2 months ago
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sometimes i think i'll never heal from my trauma
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yououghtaknow · 11 months ago
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ben platt was so right when he said (to paraphrase) your heart can break so much that it breaks open and lets love in. that's 2023 to me baby.
#experienced Real grief and heartbreak for the first time in my life#lived alone for most of the year and really Grew Up because of it#lost the three people i was closest with and lost the person i became for them to love me (which is a good thing)#learned a lot about art and life and myself and what it means to Be Alive.#was this year objectively bad for me??? look at all my personal posts honey.#but i feel like i've Grown so much and i'm really proud of myself not Despite everything that happened but because of it#i'm not ashamed to have loved and made choices and to have been wrong about So Many Things!!! i am so young and always learning!!!#i feel like Myself for the first time in Years. and for the first time since i can remember i genuinely feel Fine.#a lot of things are bad and i have bad days (today was one of them) but!!! i am hopeful and i am Determined to survive and be happy.#i do not have to be great!!! i do not have to be good!!! i simply have to be and that is enough!!!#one thing i said this year that haunts me is when the person i was in love with told me i was being silly for having a panic attack#and i responded with 'why should i feel silly for experiencing true emotion?'. and that's just really guided me since i said it.#ANYWAYS. insane year for me. this time last year i was madly in love and denying So Much and this year i am Accepting and loving what i have#this has been the return of isaac's insane personal posts. which are happening So Much Less due to the healing but hey!! we ball!!#i love you friends who live in my phone <3 if you're still reading happy new year and may you find whatever you're searching for <3
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dredshirtroberts · 9 months ago
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hey. hey universe. hey fucker universe.
no one said you could bring back the Wednesday Curse, bitch. fuck off with this shit i didn't need any of this first thing today.
#the Wednesday Curse is related to a span of about... almost 10 years of every single wednesday having something major go wrong#''major'' is a strong word but it would always feel big and afterwards would be when i would notice it was wednesday#it was a lot and i got very tired of it very quickly but it eventually stopped and i stopped noticing wednesdays#because they stopped being bad every single week#i would wake up on a wednesday bracing for whatever terrible news i would learn or whatever horrible thing would happen inevitably#and i stopped having to do that#my dreams lately have been absolutely horrific and last nights/this mornings was.... worse than usual in a way i wasn't anticipating that's#made me very very worried about a dear friend i can't easily reach out to and i'm doing my best at waiting patiently for a response#but it's hard and then the tire on the car exploded *again* so we're scrambling to figure out how to fix that and we've got a plan#and at least 3 butches on the job and it's going to be okay in the end but i have extreme car anxiety and tires going out is one of the mai#triggers for that and i'm just#i'm also still dealing with the tail end (hopefully) of an upper respiratory infection which makes all the crying i keep doing difficult#because i keep needing to hack my lungs out because breathing sucks rn even though i've had all my meds for it#and i'm just... it's just... anyway#i'm having a rough morning#but i am surrounded by people who are very lovely and care a lot and are willing and able to help with whatever they can#and that's helped a lot and it's just... i know i gotta wait patiently for resolution on things and i'm gonna do my best#to calm myself down and try to be less anxious but i'm only able to do that because of the love that surrounds me and it's a lot#it's all a lot and idk man#the spectre of my dad is doing his best to ruin it but he doesn't exist here in this space it's just a bad memory and no one is at fault
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neverendingford · 1 year ago
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#tag talk#storytime sexcapades#sadness is canceled. met a really cute cool dude visiting town for work and stayed up all night talking and uhhh. other things.#I really am so ready to move. I wanna be in a college town with community music groups and a larger visible queer population ugh.#anyway. the more I experiment the more I realize I'm actually definitely trans and I would like certain bits lopped off 😕#I will literally never shut up about the connection between sex and gender. I'm sure there's some shortsightedness to it#because I'm speaking largely from my own experience with it. so obviously there's an implicit perspective bias there#but like. turns out when you're dissociated from your body it can be hard to enjoy certain body activities.#I'm mostly over showers now. it's way easier to see myself the way I want to be. still things I want fixed. but things are livable.#but yeh. sex is difficult when you're at war with your skin.#also. why do people do poppers. your head spin for a minute and you smell organic solvent for a while. my head spins all the time#like. “it's just like sniffing glue” bro why do people sniff glue I don't get that either“.#“it's like being drunk for a short time” I don't get why people do that either.#throwback to that time someone said I needed to not become an alcoholic and I just pointed to my four month old vodka bottle in the fridge.#idk. there's a use for it. alcohol is a CNS depressant and I love it for that. but only sometimes is that necessary.#anyway. I'm curious to try other substances but I fully expect to walk away going “eh. I don't get what the deal is with that”.#but we keep doing new things. for science. to learn about the world. and to become a more understanding person. understanding is everything#anyway. cool people do exist. I literally said that thing about not meeting people I like and the universe decided to be a joker about it#did I already say that we stayed up all night? sitting on the trunk of you car watching the stars on a warm desert night is a good vibe.#I like getting out of the city and finding a patch of desert to park in and just bathe in the night air. and it's better with company#the end. bye. I have an age of empires game to finish cause I paused it to go meet up with him. and now I have to finish it#ALSO. yeah I know.. vodka in the fridge. I've started putting it in the freezer just cause there's not as much room in the fridge
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asiananeurysm · 2 years ago
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#it's just about the last day of the year#and i ask myself am i living with intention? can I learn to live with intention?#it's so so short. it's so so impermanent.#i want to travel more. i want to have as many dinners with friends as possible. i want to sleep in and take long walks and get more tattoos#i want to write. and draw. and feel. i want to be cleaner more organized. i want to read more#i want to learn to love myself and live with confidence#i want to plan and execute those plans#i want to face my fears. i want to get help. i want to communicate better. i want to be a better person.#i want to be kind i want to be brave. i want to care less about what people think about me. i want to pay more attention to my own feelings#i want this year to be good. and I'm realizing that means i want it to be different. i want to make concrete changes.#i want so much.#this past year has been filled with changes. I'm ending it with new beginnings. i was in a rut in January. i pushed out of it.#i didn't think it was possible to break out of a routine that was suffocating me. but i did. it was terrifying but i did it#and I'm proud of myself. i felt so frustrated at how hard it was to do but I'm so proud i did it.#it's hard and scary and i still question everything every day#but i know it was the right thing. i know change is good. i never had that certainty before. i know I'm moving forward#and more importantly i know this is not a permanent state. I'm in the middle of the ride. everything everything will be alright.#i couldn't see past where i was. it felt impossible to make real change. now i know anything can happen.#I'm not boxed in. The world is big. life is short. all i can do is keep trying#personal#this has been a rant in tags
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diabeticdelight · 2 months ago
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#Had a suicide attempt last month#Think my 3rd in 3 years#But im finally getting medicated with things that help#I came really really close this time#But it feels like im making real progress this time#I got time off to rest and recuperate#I just want to stay on a good path with this#Im anxious about being back at work but I try to remind myself there's nothing I cannot do#I'm making a little extra money doing nails for people. That feels really good to create beauty for people they can take with them#I've never felt like I could have an artistic career before but it feels really doable now#I think im finally healing from my lowest back in 2020/2021 and making progress unlike my other attempts at therapy/medication#It did really take almost dying to get better and for my family to take my mental health seriously#I wish I could reach out and talk to you sometimes. But I think its for the best that I don't#I'm learning there are just some people who are okay to love from afar and no closer#Idk if it'll ever really heal totally even if it was nearly abusive at the end and definitely manipulative#But I don't feel torn in half anymore#Or like I deserved the punishment and ridicule#Or earned the disrespect#I will not ever let myself feel like that again#And I'm finally learning what that feels like with my new meds- finally have a life vest in a sea of depression#From a lifetime of fucked stuff#Things are still hard dont get me wrong#But its nice to see a light for the first time#Also prozac fucking sucks im so glad it works for some people but I am loving lexapro and am glad to be rid of the fucking brain zaps#ok to like
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halfbit · 6 months ago
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i am getting started on productivity for the night but haven't figured out yet if i want to write or art first and there's also the tiny part of my brain that just wants to stare at kabru until it is ok to stop staring at kabru
#i don't talk about fandom stuff much here since i don't really get involved with it#but i do fixate on characters and right now i am circling around him like a wolf#tempted to draw him too but i can never capture his big beautiful eyes properly#i've also been tempted to draw beefcake laios but UHHhh thats for another day and i dont know if i will share that LOL#i finished the manga but i haven't had the energy to watch more of the show so i'm just thinking about the characters on my own and going :#also contemplating if i should draw a pride pfp (unrelated)#basically there is so much to do and it is overwhelming to work through the list#and i keep wanting to add more to it#also need to promo my commissions again more and add those sketches still but trying to figure out how to price them and don't have the#energy to type up explanations for them yet blagh#and i'm trying to balance that “realistically- i need more income coming in” with also “but i can't overwhelm myself with tasks”#<- which is very unambiguously clear that i do that just fine even without working on things for other people#is it obvious that my therapist relocated and i haven't been given a new one yet.#i can therapize myself So Good (actually overthinking and spiraling)#<- but please do not worry this is actually not a bad spiral which is good it is just a “things to do” spiral but it is fortunately#missing the key component of doom and horror and the world ending because i did not accomplish everything right#which is what a bad spiral contains and i've actually been on a pretty good streak avoiding those lately in spite of circumstances!#but if i linger on it it will probably turn into a lie so i will stop doing that#speaking of shows i watched the new episode of kaiju no. 8 today and i am just aggghrrhekrjskfj#i love hoshina so much#and he's been getting a lot of focus in these episodes so im happy#i love the way they animate his fights like!! wow#i need to watch them all on sakugabooru later#but i can't tonight if i want to do things#but i will later because they deserve frame-by-frameing#also i'm going to go pick up two volumes of wind breaker tomorrow i think#unfortunately i ordered them before i learned my hours were getting cut but#i have enough to cover my bills this month and since i'm not buying lunches or dinner for myself anymore because i'm not leaving the house#i'd rather just get them now instead of worrying about someone else buying them if i take too long#and let that be my last personal purchase for awhile
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