#lots of love for the illusive man and joker in that work

[perkeleen-lavellan]

Rowan-Shepard-Harper-Moreau - Commission for @sephraem

Her words are whispered- if it wasn’t for the warm air, Jack would think he’s dreaming. “How far down do your modifications go?”

Listen. This space opera didn't have enough romance with the villains, science-fiction body horror and polyamoury. Sephraem is here to fix that.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/46586077

[rpking99]

So I came across a video where they put Batman against Spider-Man's villains but I ended the Video early cause for the very first villain (the Scorpion... so not even one of Spidey's biggest enemies) they said Batman would just call the Justice League for help... which really go against the idea of putting one Super Hero against anothers Rouge Gallery

So I wanna ask... how would Batman do against Green Goblin, Kingpin, Venom, Doc Ock and Kraven the Hunter?

And for Spider-man... how would he do against Joker, Mr. Freeze, Bane, Ra's al Ghul and Scarecrow?

Okay I'm gonna say this to start

Spider-Man? Walks through Batman's rogue gallery. Peter has to roll with any punch that hits him so people's hands are not SHATTERED. He can CASUALLY punch Scorpion's jaw off, who is MUCH stronger than a normal human.

Joker? Looses instantly against basic jokes at his expense. And he would not be able to effect Peter the same way some of Peter's own villains can. Because... Well Joker is no match for Peter physically or mentally, and the equivalent to the Joker for Peter has all the resources in the world

Anyone who is normal human levels like Two Face, Ra's, Riddler, Penguin, Anarky, Black Mask, Court of Owls, Killer Moth, Firefly, the mob bosses. All of them are easy to be taken out. Heck BANE would get his ass handed to him because Peter would still be too strong for him. Same with Killer Croc.

Mr Freeze would also be an easy win. But also Peter would be more than happy to help him and save him/Nora

The ones who would give Peter the biggest issue are the ones with chemical weapons or inhuman abilities. Clayface is the main inhuman one here, but even then Peter is use to fighting Sand Man and Hydro Man.

Some people claim that with his experience with Mysterio, Scarecrow would be easy. .... Mystero focuses on lights and sound and illusions. There is nothing tangible there, there is no hallucinations in play. Fear Toxin could potentially trip Peter up, as well as fuck up his Spider-Sense. He'd have to the will to power through, but it's catch him off guard.

Poison Ivy would probably be his biggest issue with the phermones and vines and Peter's weakness for lovely ladies and red heads. Especially since, most of the time, she's not a bad guy just doing things the bad way.

Spider-Man sweeps Gotham

But.... On to Batman?

Kingpin and other mob style/human level villains? Bruce wins against. Him, Vulture, Shocker, guys like that. Same with Doc Ock on most days (those days when Dan Slott isn't giving Otto god mode)

Kraven? Kraven is like Bane without the venom weakness. Bruce is getting hunted, exhausted and more than his back broken.

Sand Man and Hydro Man, and kinda Electro, would give him a LOT of problems. But problems he could handle, ones he could overcome. They'd be hard but he could do it

Venom? Carnage? Any Symbiote? Spider strength, spider speed, spider reflexes, spider sense, webbing, wall crawling. All of that, enhanced, alongside tentacle attacks and being able to turn invisible? Sorry, Bruce is dead. The only way he'd win is with fire and sonic attacks, but he'd need to know their weakness BEFORE the fight to do so. Which goes against this idea. But even if he didn't, symbiotes have fluctuated so much with what they can and can't take when it comes to fire and sonics that might not even work.

And Green Goblin?

....

Green Goblin?

Sure, let's give Joker enhanced strength and speed and all the tech he could ever want. Let's give him as much, if not more, money than Bruce Wayne. Let's make him vindictive, angry and petty instead of just a sadist jokester

...

Bruce is either dead or broken by the Goblin. He can't keep up physically, Norman matches if not exceeds his gadget usage, Norman plans just as if not more than Bruce and he is just as cruel and evil as Joker without anythig that makes him hold back for Batman

[a-boros-named-seamus]

As the Citadel fell around him, Shepard thought about the Normandy. About every member of his crew. About Kaidan.

🎵 “It started out as a feeling,”

He remembered meeting the man, just before Eden Prime. Fighting aside him and Ash, with him on that last desperate sprint to the Conduit.

🎵 “Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before.”

And then there was Alchera. Promising Kaidan he would be fine just as soon as he got joker to a pod. Struggling to breathe as his suit vented into the void.

🎵 “Now we're back to the beginning,”

And then there was Horizon. That terrible day. Kaidan looking at him like a traitor, a puppet dancing to the Illusive Man's tune, had broken something in his heart that he hadn't known was there. He thought of Kaidan when he destroyed the Collector Base

🎵 “But just because they can't feel it too, doesn't mean that you have to forget.”

Mars had been... hard. He had desperately wanted Kaidan to trust him again, had tried so hard to convince him, but there was little time for talking, and he wasn't comfortable baring his heart in front of Liara and her obvious, unwelcomed, crush on him.

Nevertheless the pain in his heart drove him to try. And it had been working, step by step.

🎵 “Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light.”

And then Eva Core had tried to collapse Kaidan's skull. He'd barely been able to tear him away from Kaidan's bedside, let alone sleep. And when he had slept, his dreams had been full of the words of the dead. The Vista of the Citadel's wards arcing out if the Widow Nebula had been as beautiful as ever, but it had been hard to think about anything but the paramedics EDI had called to meet them in the docking bay. Watching them take Kaidan away had filled him with a profound sense of dread.

🎵 “It's just a feeling and no one knows yet,”

"Maybe some things get better with age"

"Or maybe you have"

Kaidan chuckled. "Are you flirting with me, Commander? Wait, wait! Don't tell me. Let me live in the illusion"

Shepard's heart had skipped a beat there. He'd been going out on a limb and kaidan had been happy. Had encouraged him.

There was still an ache deep within his heart, but it was closing.

🎵 “You'll come back when it's over,”

Kaidan lowering his gun there on that Citadel had healed that secret hurt that he'd been nursing since Horizon. Their conversations on Mars and in Huerta had helped, but this one absolute moment of trust closed it forever, leaving naught but a memory.

🎵 “And then that word grew louder and louder 'til it was a battle cry,”

That date, that 'sanity check' at Apollo's Cafe. It had been... oh god it had been perfect. They'd both danced around the subject, just a bit, but in the end they'd come together and stuck that way.

And later, at the car lot, when he'd been running from CAT-6 and relying on his barriers and wits. He'd walked through a door to find Kaidan standing there in his armor and toying with mercs, and his relief, adrenaline, fear, and love had all mixed together to make that tableau the single hottest thing he had ever seen.

🎵 “All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war,”

His thoughts went to that last party on the Citadel. All of his living crewmates had been there sharing moments both raucous and quiet. It had done his soul good. The cracks that had started with abandoning Ashley had finally begun to close. His favorite part had been the morning after. He'd woken up next to Kaidan and gone on to find his crew enjoying the morning quiet.

🎵 “Let your memories grow stronger and stronger ‘til they're before your eyes,”

The last memory was that of Kaidan coming up to his quarters just before the assault on Cerberus. Good drinks, a good talk, and even better sex. It had been the perfect night, even as death's specter loomed.

And then, he returned to present.

🎵 “Which then grew into a hope, which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word,”

Just breathe. He repeated it to himself over and over, his cybernetics straining to keep him alive beneath the rubble. He could see teams searching the wreckage, but couldnt call out, because he had to focus on breathing.

He'd managed to tap into every eezo nodule in his body, pushing his biotincs to their limit on order to break his fall and keep himself from being utterly crushed, and it had still been just barely enough. But there was hope for him yet

As he started to slip away, he heard rescuers drawing close.

"Call the Normandy. We found him alive"

🎵 “No need to say goodbye,”

He awoke to several familiar sensations. The rubbing of soft sheets. The scent of flowers. Warm sunlight on his skin. A monitor beeping in time with his heart.

"Shepard?"

Kaidan was there next to him, holding some sort of report and looking dreadful. He also looked beautiful. Like the dawn after a long, cold night.

They spent a few quiet moments of relief together until EDI, who had of course hacked the hospital to keep an eye on his heart monitor, ushered everyone in. Or, well. All of them that could fit in a private hospital room.

The rains had passed, a beautiful new day had dawned, and they were all here to see it.

[major-alenko]

This line makes me so sad. Poor Shep. After all the emotional damage of the last year, all the hurt, and the misunderstandings, she finally gets a chance to reconnect and repair her relationship with Kaidan—and he nearly dies the second she turns her back.

In my headcanon, Tara didn’t reply to Kaidan after Horizon to protect him from Cerberus (especially after the Illusive Man admits to siccing the Collectors on Horizon to get to her). She hoped if she pretended like she’d moved on, TIM wouldn’t see Kaidan as a target.

And she was wrong. TIM orders Dr. Eva to kill Kaidan because he knows she still cares about him. All that pain she brought on both of them and now she has no idea if she’s ever going to be able to make it right. She has to leave him behind to rescue the primarch, and if Kaidan dies, she will have to carry that guilt forever.

On top of that, the Reapers are invading, Anderson's stranded on Earth, her mom is MIA, and all her other friends except Liara and Joker are in the wind. It’s an awful lot to deal with. Not to mention everything else she’s been through in the past few years: Ash’s death, the destruction of the Normandy, the Lazarus Project, and being forced to work with Cerberus.

I love the moments where Shepard gets to show hints of vulnerability with her crew. What a heartbreaking admission.

[furyisms]

Truth be told, she'd gone looking on the Citadel for him. There were too many things going awry right now, one of them being the most obvious: the fact that she was working for Cerberus. Or more accurately, working with them. That fact had dug at her, a little. Sure, she was grateful they'd brought her back---because who wouldn't be grateful for a second chance at life---but there were a lot of aspects of it that were beginning to bother her greatly.

Namely, what had happened on Horizon. Running into Kaidan had been no coincidence; the Illusive Man had planted the seeds to make that encounter happen, putting her old friend in danger. It was setting off more than a few alarm bells in her head, ones that she was inclined to set aside... for now. But the more questionable things that happened while she worked with Cerberus, the less comfortable she felt doing their bidding.

At least they were doing the right thing. That had to count for something.

But it meant, now, that Alisa knew she had to build up the people around her that she could trust. People that were outside Cerberus, people that wouldn't question her loyalty to the cause, and people that weren't likely to betray her once the mission was over. Thus far most of the Cerberus crew had been more than willing to follow her orders, but what happened when things were done? What happened when their mission was complete, and she decided she wanted to go back to the Alliance, and the Spectres? What would happen at that point? That was the part that worried her. That was going to be the time she'd need friends around that she could rely on to have her back. Joker, Chakwas, Tali, and Garrus simply weren't enough for that.

It was for that reason that she found herself in one of the most remote parts of the Citadel, alone no less; the narrow crevices and nooks were easy for her to navigate, even in a full set of armour. Perks of being relatively small, of course. But it was in these underbelly parts where some of the... seedier types liked to hide. The type you'd find on Omega, but conducting their business from the Citadel. It was good to see that Eron was in good shape; the last thing she needed to lose was another friend, or another comrade. A little banged up, but nothing that he couldn't handle.

As usual... the questions. Questioning her identity, the hesitation; she couldn't blame him for that. She'd just have to do her best to allay his concerns. "Yeah... Though I wouldn't say I trust Cerberus. Not fully, anyway. The Council won't give me the funds I need to do what needs to be done, and Cerberus was willing to do that. Mostly because they won't pull their heads out of their asses." There was no love lost with politicians; she was growing tired of their ignorance.

"It is me, though." At least, she was certain it was. The fact that her memories of the last two years were gone was disconcerting, but now wasn't the time to talk about that. "And I'm here to talk. Without Cerberus eavesdropping."

@furyisms: “who did this to you?” | accepting

Scorch marks on armor were all too common a sight. Eron had a mind to ignore the charred part on his left shoulder piece, at least until he was sure he'd swept the place clean. But Alisa's question, their re-encounter in a sealed-off part on the Citadel, made it impossible to keep quiet. He gave it a glance—still the same, smelling of carbon and smoke—then looked back towards her with a half-hearted shrug.

"Just some pissed off merc boss who wasn't too happy I cut through half of his troops." Barely any challenge that he didn't bother relying on his barriers. He did, however, fail to consider the barrage of missiles flying towards him in retaliation, managing to duck behind industrial crates just in time for him to get a clean shot between the eyes. "Or more. Wasn't counting," he continued. There was little to love about the Blue Suns and the less of them roaming Citadel space the better.

"More importantly, what're you doing here?" his brows furrowed, a mix between confusion and intrigue. "Last intel said they saw you somewhere with Cerberus. Didn't really wanna believe it... but, well, you're standing there right now. If it really is you."

[breathinginthissilence]

✨Unconventional Writer’s Ask✨

— How long have you been writing fanfiction?

Okay, so technically I attempted my first fanfiction at age 11 when I decided I was going to rewrite Final Fantasy 7 into a narrative that would work better as a film, but got all of three pages into it. My first real, completed attempt at fanfiction was when I was 14, in 2001, when I wrote a fic where the Backstreet Boys were hunted and murdered, one by one . . . I was angst queen from the getgo. Since then I have been in a number of fandoms and, boy, it's cringe central looking back at some shit I wrote when I was a teenager but also nice as I can see how much my writing has improved.

— Do you have a favorite word? (One that you love. Doesn’t necessarily have to be one you use all the time.)

Please do not make me consider the English language for too long in an attempt to single out specifics.

— Share a favorite run-on sentence that you’ve written.

I've written a lot of run-on sentences in my time, probably too many, really, and nothing really sticks out at this present time, but this one, from a fic I will finish one day, I quite like:

But if he were to speak up, if he were to add more, Loki might foolishly suggest that an eclipse cannot exist without a sun and a moon, and what a shame that would be, to miss out on an event that fascinating, one that joins the two and casts the illusion of equality before they go their separate ways.

— Share a bit of a scene that you’ve written that still gives you FEELS.

A LOT of things happen in Livewire, but this little moment still gets me:

“Bono,” you start, before thinking better of it, whatever it was. There’s a pause, and then you are reaching out, your arms coming up and around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug that’s almost too tight but I think needed by us both.

A day at the studio and a night surrounded by cigarette smoke isn’t enough to take away the scent of you that still lingers underneath it all—soap, aftershave, you, just you, a home away from home in so many ways, but not the one that’s been the thought of the night.

— What is your favorite kind of character interaction to write?

THE YEARRRRRRRRRNING. Where two dumbasses who obviously are stupidly in love with each other but either don't realise the other idiot feels the same way, or knows they should not act on these feelings because ~reasons~ (aka wives or, ahem, being, you know, related) but, by god, they want to. I love that shit, man.

— Do you have a hyper-specific genre?

I would say slow burn, but also, in the past, I've been known for some crackfic.

— Any personal or frequently used tags?

Not especially, although "*insert character here* is a little shit" has come up a number of times.

— Share a joke or funny moment that you’ve written that still makes you laugh.

I have two, and I'm not sorry!

This ending to a Metallica fic I wrote in 2008 where Lars and James roleplay as hooker/customer respectively:

“You owe me a toaster.”

“Fucking buy it yourself, I got no money.” James looks down at Lars, cheeks still streaked with black and eyes both amused and sated and he has to add, “Some cunt just ripped me off.”

But also this part from my 2008 Batman/Joker deliberate badfic:

Joker was dying. This was obvious to Batman, as obvious as their love had been. The Dark Knight was broken. 

"I am Bruce Wayne," Batman said.

They stared into each other’s eyes for a long while, the love that they shared obviously shining through between long blinks. Blinks that stretched out for Joker with each blink, as each blink he took might just be his last blink. They both knew this. Treasured the blinks as Batman's admission hung heavy in the air.

"I knew it," Joker cackled, even though he hadn't. Then he blinked again and it lasted forever.

— Best editing tip?

Step away for a while (at least a day, but I think longer works better) and then come back and tackle it with fresh eyes.

— What drives you to write?

I can't find a gif, but for those who remember the 2003 Prince Charles Scandal video from The Daily Show (you know, the one where Colbert deepthroats a banana) there's a moment where Stephen says 'mainly how gay it is' and that is generally what drives me. The gay. But also a hint of something in the wind, something that is barely a hint of a scene or anything but also is like bitch fucking write or die . . . that works too.

— Where do you draw inspiration?

Canon, song lyrics, my brain being like lol you know what would be rad but also an absolute pain to write and therefore you should totally do it, excerpts from a novel I'm reading, etc etc.

— What is your immediate reaction when you receive a new comment on a fic?

— What is your biggest challenge in writing?

Just . . . just fuckin' writing, man. But also, me, an english lit and creative writing major who has two degrees and written a thesis, just fuckin' forgetting words and also how words go together and stuff.

— 1-2 sentence preview from your current WIP?? (Only if you are willing.)

How convenient for Loki, then, that their family is gone, Thor’s friends are gone, their world is gone. Away from their people, Loki is all Thor has left. He has the attention he’s sought.

It feels like a hollow victory.

— What story or scene are you most proud of?

Probably Livewire. It just all came together nicely, has some scenes and lines that still make me think 'I wrote that', and it was my first time writing Bono POV while also writing first person, something that was never my bag, so double challenge there.

— Please link your profile so we can admire your works!

Yo

Thank you @playinggalaga for the ask, and I'm not sorry y'all that it turned out this long. Ima tag @bonos-grindcore-sideproject and @amazinglyunlikely and @likeamadonnau2 tho no pressure, and also anyone else who wants to do!

[omegastation]

ill be honest, i was a little upset with ashley/kaiden in me3 when they're still doubting you. i know they have perfectly legitimate reasons, but it still stung. i could rationalize it in me2, it IS really suspicious for shep to just SHOW UP out of nowhere with cerberus no less, but i wish they had worked through some stuff in the downtime between me2 and me3. it should have been clear where shep's loyalties were when they turned against the illusive man and turned themselves in to the alliance. if ashley/kaiden had doubts about the commander being a double agent, wouldn't it be best to confront them or watch them very closely to make sure shep wasn't stealing intel for cerberus? i mean its not even just shepard they are doubting, its everyone on the sr2 crew. wouldnt garrus and tali and liara and chakwas and joker of all people KNOW the real shepard? hackett even drops in to give shepard a mission or two in me2, isnt his opinion of shepard worth something? or anderson? ANYWAYS all this to say, my decision not to let ashley/kaiden back on the normandy in me3 was less from a place of strategy and more from a 'look you've been pretty adamant about the fact you dont trust me and i dont need crew members who dont trust me' sorta feeling. i still felt a little guilty about leaving them behind, but when i talked to joker back on the ship and he stands up on his creaky lil legs and gives you a salute???? and says he's giving you the respect you deserve??? i cried real fuckin tears about it. THANK YOU my guy that means a lot ;_;

The salute scene had the same effect on me so I get you!!!

But ouch for Ash and Kaidan.

I mean, your reaction is valid and you mentioned they had legitimate reasons, so I'm not going to start my "they were justified to be suspicious" speech (always love to talk about the clone!!!) but I do think we have to keep in mind that it might not have been possible for them to confront Shepard earlier. That's probably why it happens the way it does in ME3 and there's still distrust, because of unresolved issues.

And unresolved issues can slowly eat at you until you no longer even feel like yourself. Words get stuck in your throat. If you have the slightest inclination toward ruminating, you can get lost in your own mind for hours, thinking about what you did wrong, what the person have said, what you could have done to change things. And the moment you are allowed to really speak your mind isn't always pretty. Sometimes, it's downright ugly.

I think the situation from Shepard's death to Horizon to seeing them again in ME3 is a bit like that for Ash or Kaidan. It's a time bomb of a situation, with lingering and contradicting feelings bursting into the scene. And you pointed it out yourself, nothing was really made clear to them. I think they felt like they were kept apart from Shepard and others for a reason, and that must have stung. A lot of it has nothing to do with Shepard and how they feel, but rather the narration forcing you down those paths. (My Shepard post Horizon or even post Suicide Mission would have had a conversation with them, because nothing seems worse than having those unresolved issues between them.)

We also can't really forget the impact Shepard's death had on everyone, and how they all dealt with grief differently. Ash was the only survivor of her unit and she finally found a commanding officier who didn't care about her family's past, who respected her and made her feel welcome. Who told her she'll always have a home on the Normandy. Kaidan's past is horrifying, and in his quiet, contemplating and very gentle way, he made himself a home on the Normandy, where he could trust the crew, respect them and being respected in return. Where he could be useful without being used.

All of it was gone, taken away. They were left with more questions than answers, in this very wild "my commanding officer is back from the death and works for a terrorist organization now and everyone acts like it's normal but fuck it's not at all" situation. I would have been angry too, and in pain.

I also think it's important to keep in mind that there are many ways you can show your love for someone. I'm not trying to pit one method against another because I'm a huge fan of "I'll stick with you no matter what" types of relationship, but it's sometimes healthy and necessary to question the people you love when they do something you don't approve of or don't understand. And it doesn't automatically means you don't love them anymore.

Loyalty also has different meanings to different people. I think, to Ash and Kaidan, it meant questioning Shepard because they felt they weren't true to who they were before, and what they stood for. And that in itself is not, to me, a better or worse reaction than quickly accepting Shepard's new circumstances. It's just different.

That's why I don't think Ash and Kaidan stopped loving or caring for Shepard in the time they were wondering whether or not to trust them, and why I don't think other squadmates reacted "better".

And once you clear things with them, the result is a good friendship, with a lot of trust and care. It shows that this is a relationship they all are invested in. They all put time, energy and a lot of efforts to repair what needed to be repaired. They really care, you know?

[innepttia]

Header by @markmefistov for a WIP I’ve been slowly working on for Mass Effect involving minor characters aboard the Normandy! Fic to be posted soon.

(updated 7/29/2022)

Mass Effect, Hades (game), and Destiny 2 things I’m working on, things I’ve written, things on hiatus!

For Star Wars please go to my side blog

Mass Effect:

Mass Effect:

As It Was: a multi-chapter series about Nihlus x Samara (Nihmara, if you will), enemies to lovers. Nihlus lives-and-becomes-a-squadmate-in-ME2 AU. Samara tells her story about how she chased Nihlus across a planet for two weeks. Squadmate heavy story, very little Shepard in this fic. Full disclosure: I love this fic to death, but I am horrible at updating it. (Rated T)

Lungs: a multi-chapter drabble about Thane/fShepard. Just a bunch of stories about them falling in love and being a mess in no particular order. (Rated T)

Departed: a two-shot AU about Legion falling in love with fShepard, but she’s already in an established relationship with Garrus. Told from Legion’s POV. During the Quarian-Heretic Geth battle above Rannoch, a piece of Legion’s code gets downloaded, rewritten and sold. It’s uploaded as a passenger ship’s AI. Shepard and Garrus have booked passage on this ship, under the guise of needing to be transported to a far off planet. The pair uncover a shady secret on the ship while also trying to free this small part of Legion, who becomes more and more unstable. Lots of OC murder involved. (Rated T)

Hades (video game):

Nocturne No. 1 in D Minor: a multi-chapter fic about Zagreus and Thanatos between escape attempts. Established lovers. Lots of fluff and smut. (Rated E)

Completed fics that I’m excited about:

Empty Crown: a Mass Effect shrios one-shot. My fave fic I’ve written so far. You like dark Thane and a damaged fShepard? Then you’ll like this. (Rated E)

Rebel Yell: a multi-chapter vakarios fic. Mostly smut set between Shepard’s death and resurrection. What if Garrus and Thane met before ME2? What if they fell in love? (Rated E)

The Dreamer: 🚨cursed fic alert🚨Illusive Man/fShep. Nothing but smut. Little to no plot. Just Shep day dreaming and touching herself over some deranged power crazed old man. (Rated E)

hope is a dangerous thing: a Mass Effect fShep/Kaidan retirement fic. Pure fluff. (Rated T)

casual sabotage: a Mass Effect one-shot 100% crackfic. Thane/fShepard pairing. Shepard takes the crew to a galactic fair (similar to state fairs) and just straight up shenanigans occur… plus a sneaky BJ lol (Rated M)

Staying Up (Nightmare): a Mass Effect one-shot shoker fic. I am embarrassed to say I didn’t know about this pairing until I wrote the fic. Written for the Shadow Broker Files prompt: Nightmare. It’s a deeper dive (ish) into Joker’s reunion with fShepard in ME2. (Rated T)

On Hiatus:

Fire In My Head: a multi-chapter Mass Effect shakarian AU. fShepard is a rogue Spectre and Garrus is the new turian Spectre tasked with hunting her down and eliminating her. Enemies to lovers. (Rated M)

How Not to Drown: a Hades (video game) Thanatos/Zagreus two-shot. An exploratory fic into their early relationship. (Rated T)

F is for Friends who do stuff together: a tumblr only ficlet series about the presidium gardenkeeper x dark star lounge bartender, idiots to lover style (Rated G)

[skinnyazn]

Priority Mars

https://archiveofourown.org/works/41895165/chapters/105140943

My new Shenko hate-sex fic is done!! I think it’s my best one yet. It’s live on AO3 and it’s very explicit. Preview:  “Vega, dump that piece of scrap metal in the AI core until we can pull the information off of it. I’ve got to send my report to Hackett.”

“You’re not seriously keeping that thing on the ship?” Kaidan asked incredulously.

“Sorry Commander, I’m on the same page as the Major with this one. What happens if she boots back up?” James chimed in.

“Then I’ll put her down again.” Shepard was losing her patience as she hastily continued to type.

Kaidan scoffed. His hands were on his hips. 

“If you’ve got something to say, Major Alenko, spit it out. I’m tired of having my command questioned by you.” Shepard punched the send button hard. She gave him her attention now. “Or are you worried I’m going to power it on and communicate with the Illusive Man via her corpse.”

James shifted uncomfortably as Kaidan held her gaze. For a second she thought he’d finally hold his tongue. But today she was having no such luck.

“Seems like you’ve already thought it out,” he retorted with the barb, unable to stop himself now. 

“What the HELL is your problem Alenko?!” Shepard snapped. She closed their distance in two strides. They were chest to chest now. 

“What’s my problem?! My problem is that you worked for a terrorist organization for months, after they did the impossible and resurrected your spaced corpse! On top of that, you cozied up with their omnipotent leader. And then expect me not to be suspicious whenever Cerberus gets involved with our missions. Which, I have to say, has been a lot.” Kaidan was inches from her face now.

Shepard could feel her anger radiate. A loud slap echoed through the hangar bay. Kaidan continued to look at her steadfastly as red crept across his cheek.

“I did not “cozy” up with the Illusive Man. I used him and his resources to stop the Collectors. Which—hello! My ‘resurrected spaced corpse’ is one of said resources.” She was yelling now. “You’ve been on my ass about this since Horizon! Liara, Garrus, Joker—they’ve all managed to come to terms with me using Cerberus’ resources to stop the Collectors and do what the Alliance wouldn’t. You’re the only person out of the old Normandy crew who just won’t let up. Who doesn’t have an ounce of trust or faith in me!”

“How can I?! I was the only person on the old Normandy crew who loved you.”

[rovelae]

Behind the Scenes of “Hologram”

           Today marks exactly one year since I posted arguably my most popular fic. “Hologram” is a postgame Saiouma one-shot about escapism, loneliness, and running away from the past. I put a lot of myself into this fic and I’m blown away by all the love it’s received, not only on AO3 but in Discord servers and other social media. All that excitement made me keep thinking about it, so I thought I’d share a (very self-indulgent) behind-the-scenes of sorts about how I wrote it, as well as what I think of the story.

           This essay will contain spoilers for the whole fic, so if you’d like to read it first, you can find it here. Of course, if the tags scare you off, that’s valid, but you might want to skip this post too since I’ll be quoting it throughout (so, just to be safe, expect the warnings I’ve posted on AO3 to apply here too).

           If you’re a Lorde fan you’ll recognize the lyrics in the fic summary – “Nothing’s wrong when nothing’s true,” from “Buzzcut Season.” The inspiration for this fic came to me while I was on my way to an early shift at work, and I needed a good song in my head to give me the will to live for the next eight hours. Not sure why I chose that song in particular, but maybe part of it is because I like imagining stories to go along with the songs I listen to, like AMVs playing in my head, and I’d never been able to pin down exactly what this song reminded me of.

           The mood of the music is really what compelled me – there’s something lonely about it, and the lyrics sound like the singer’s trying to convince herself that everything’s okay even when all evidence points otherwise. There are “explosions on TV”, and “The men up on the news / They try to tell us all that we will lose,” but “we live beside the pool / Where everything is good.” Despite everything going wrong, despite the notes of fear creeping into the pre-chorus, the character will “play along… in a hologram with you” and “never go home again.”

           From there, it was an easy jump to “postgame Saiou” and that was that.

             There’s a cloud of seagulls hovering in the air around him, and a dozen or so more standing just out of reach, staring him down with beady black eyes. Kokichi takes a slice of bread from the loaf he’s holding and tosses it to one of the birds, watches it catch it and stumble under the weight, watches its head bob as it tries to swallow the whole thing at once. It gets remarkably far before four other birds descend on it, shrieking wildly.

           “Mine, mine, mine,” he mumbles into his folded arms, wondering if Shuichi would get the reference.

           He really wishes Shuichi was here.

           Kokichi upends the rest of the loaf of bread onto the sidewalk and laughs at the resulting chaos until his chest aches.

             To start off, I wanted to create the same lonely mood from “Buzzcut Season” in Kokichi’s simulation. He’s not exactly trapped there, but he’s refusing to leave, because as long as he’s on the fake Jabberwock Island, he can pretend the killing game never happened. The trade-off to that escapism is that the only people he can talk to are the NPCs, who aren’t complex enough to be remotely interesting to him, and Usami, who… well, tries her best, but is more of an informational / moderation program and can’t offer him what a therapist could.

           The only thing Kokichi has to look forward to is Shuichi, who he’s convinced is an extremely lifelike computer program rather than the real thing, because the real Shuichi would definitely hate him for everything that happened during the killing game. He’s so locked into this line of logic that he doesn’t let himself consider that Shuichi has forgiven him – he doesn’t even have a good answer for why the Future Foundation wouldn’t just keep the supposed Shuichi AI on indefinitely, believing it’s their way of baiting him into leaving the simulation.

           It’s not a healthy or sustainable lifestyle in the slightest, but Kokichi stubbornly refuses to do anything but wander the islands aimlessly, passing the time with ice cream and feeding seagulls until the next time he can see Shuichi.

             He dreams that DICE is here in the simulation with him, smiling and carefree as they explore the weird music venue. One of them has gotten the karaoke machine working, and another found a box of kazoos and maracas in the back room. Kokichi already pities anyone unfortunate enough to walk by the building tonight.

           “Not going to sing, Joker?” one of his DICE asks (over the sound of their youngest member shrieking through seven kazoos at once), sitting on the bench next to him.

           “Some games are more fun to watch than play,” he answers, leaning back on his hands and sighing.

           “Like a killing game.”

           The warm dream-atmosphere turns cold then, and Kokichi’s head snaps over to look at him—but his brother is gone and Kaito’s looking back at him instead, blood in his teeth and face ashen pale.

           “You... we don’t have to do this, man,” Kaito says, but it’s a lie and they both know it, and he doesn’t want to look behind him because he knows the machine’s looming over him with its unyielding steel and slow slow slow descent—

           “You’re not real,” he snaps at dream-Kaito, who doesn’t respond except to lift him up again. “Nothing’s real, none of—PUT ME DOWN! LET GO OF ME! DON’T PUT ME BACK IN THERE!”

           “Death is more mercy than you deserve,” Kaito says, and Kokichi claws and bites and kicks his way out of Kaito’s grasp like a wild animal, only to end up in front of a prison cell full of—

           DICE, his beloved DICE, trapped and hurt and afraid, bloodied and beaten and helpless.

           “Why didn’t you save us, boss?” says his second-in-command, clutching the bars with bleeding hands. “Why didn’t you do more? Now we’re all dead and it’s because of you.”

             Moments like this are my reference to Buzzcut Season’s pre-chorus, where the not-okay starts to creep into the illusion. Despite Kokichi’s valiant efforts to forget, he’s still dealing with the aftermath of seeing his family hurt and in danger, watching his friends die, orchestrating the deaths of two of them, being killed himself— and then being told every bit of it was made up to entertain an audience who sees nothing wrong with that picture. Running away is not the way to heal from trauma, and one day soon it’s all bound to come crashing down around him.

             “Do you know what this … island paradise represents, Kokichi?” [Hinata] asks, and Kokichi’s really not in the mood for a lecture but he continues anyway. “Jabberwock Island … was the setting for the fiftieth season of Danganronpa. The golden anniversary, they called it. It was my season.”

           Kokichi hunches over, hugging his arms over his torso and stifiling a scream. He does not want to think about this right now—

           “They wanted it to be the best season of all, which, unfortunately for us, meant it was also the bloodiest,” Hinata says. “Twice as many participants, deadly traps hidden across each of the islands— they even changed the way the motives worked, like when they told Fuyuhiko to cut out his own eye so Peko could have a quick death instead of suffering for days.”

           “Do I look like your therapist, porcupine-head?” Kokichi hisses. A sharp pain is pounding into his skull, and there’s a bitter, metallic taste at the back of his throat. A taste like poison and blood.

           “There was so much going on that the simulation malfunctioned,” Hinata says. “When people died, their Ultimate talents downloaded themselves into me. I’m told that the stress of so many personality grafts came close to liquefying my frontal lobe. I’m lucky I woke up at all… especially considering more than half of the others didn’t.”

           “Why are you telling me this?” Kokichi grates out through the static building in his head. If he opens his eyes, will he see the beach or the dull chrome of the machine closing in on him?

           “Because I know how much you want to forget about what happened,” Hinata says. “Believe me, I get it.”

           ….

           “These things that happened to us… we can’t erase them, no matter how much we want to. Some things have to be remembered.”

             I’d mostly like to leave Hajime’s season up to interpretation, but there are a couple things I wanted to say about it. I imagine Danganronpa is like the Hunger Games in that it’d go all out for big anniversaries. So, there were twice as many participants for the Jabberwock Island beatdown that was probably subtitled “Bloodbath Bay” or something equally appealing. The game’s formula changed from a focus on the mystery and the trials to “look at all these kids massacring each other a la Lord of the Flies,” and since the VR system wasn’t equipped to handle that many people and their deaths, it malfunctioned, giving Hajime way too many Ultimate talents and putting half the cast into comas from which they never woke up.

           Viewers either absolutely loved or absolutely hated this season, depending on whether they were DR fans because of the “blood n’ guts” factor or the “mystery and psychological thriller” aspect. Team Danganronpa faced quite a bit of backlash for actually causing the real-life deaths of half its participants, but were able to weasel their way out of serious legal repercussions because of the waivers the participants had signed beforehand (plus a lot of bribery and falling back on their longstanding popularity). So, the cast of Season 50 failed to end the killing game, but helped provide great evidence for the “Danganronpa is morally wrong” argument.

           Hajime works as a victim liaison for the Future Foundation and has been trying to take down Danganronpa since he got out of it. He’s like that in a few of my fics, actually; I like the idea of Hajime acting as a big brother of sorts to the V3 cast. It’s especially entertaining to imagine his interactions with Kokichi— though maybe not so much in Hologram, since to Kokichi he’s a representation of the past he’s trying so desperately to forget and the future he refuses to acknowledge.

             “SHUT UP!” He launches himself at Hinata, his hands wrapping around the other man’s throat as he uses his momentum to slam him to the ground. “SHUT! UP!”

           “Ko— ghk—” Hinata coughs, eyes wide with surprise, but aside from moving his hands up to grip Kokichi’s wrists, he doesn’t seem all that worried about fighting back.

           The thought only fuels Kokichi’s rage until he’s choking Hinata so hard his knuckles are white. “If you want me out of this simulation so badly, you can kill me,” he snarls. “I’m never waking up! I’m never leaving, do you UNDERSTAND ME?”

           Hinata grimaces, the outline of his avatar flickering, but he still doesn’t struggle, and Kokichi hates him all the more for it, despises him with a seething malice that festers low in his stomach. He wonders distantly if he’d actually kill this man in real life. Or if he’d be able to stop himself, feeling like this.

             Kokichi’s breakdown here is more out of fear than anger. Like I mentioned, Kokichi sees Hajime as another piece of what’s hurt him, and no matter how Hajime tries to help, Kokichi will always remember Danganronpa whenever he sees him.

             Warm yellow-orange light casts a relaxed, cozy glow over the dining hall. It’s an ambience compounded by the flickering candles on the table, which seems overly idyllic, but Kokichi will let it slide because of the adorable way Shuichi flushed when he noticed them as they sat down. Well, if he’s being honest, everything about Shuichi right now is adorable, from the way his hair keeps falling into his eyes to the way he’s nervously fiddling wth his chopsticks. Kokichi wishes he could keep staring at him forever.

           Ah, not… not in a weird way, though, just… because Shuichi’s beautiful, and when Kokichi looks at him he can forget everything bad that’s ever happened, can create some new and brighter world to exist in.

             This is an idea I wish I’d had room to explore a bit more in the story— that is, just how far Kokichi will go to pretend everything’s fine. I thought about making him border on delusional, like having him talk to people who aren’t there or forget what’s actually happening around him because he’s so lost in his fiction-within-a-fiction. It would have creeped Shuichi out a whole lot.

           Unfortunately, there wasn’t much room for that past the plot I’d already nailed down, so I focused on his loneliness and escapism instead. I do touch on it later in this scene, though— the couple paragraphs where he slips into fantasizing about being a phantom thief having a surreptitious meeting with his detective under the not-so-subtle supervision of his DICE. There would have been a lot more of that if I’d gone with the ‘delusion’ stylistic choice, to the point where even the readers would be confused about what’s real. Maybe I’ll look into writing something similar in a future story.

             Eventually, Shuichi sets down his bowl and looks away with a little sigh, and Kokichi clenches his teeth because that’s the sigh he does when it’s time for that conversation.

           “Um… Kokichi?”

           Kokichi’s only response is to exhale the breath he’d been holding in a quiet hiss.

           “I-I know you don’t want to, but… but I really need to talk to you about something,” Shuichi says. “Please?”

           “My Mr. Detective can talk about whatever he’d like!” Kokichi says with a lilt to his tone that makes it sound more sarcastic than he wants it to. He takes the last bite of curry and wishes that it burns hot enough to hurt.

           “It’s about Kaito.”

             This more serious part of the date scene is meant to reflect the little bridge in “Buzzcut Season”:

“Cola with the burnt-out taste

I’m the one you tell your fears to

There’ll never be enough of us.”

           It’s a part of the song that sounds especially bittersweet to me, a bit of self-awareness between the insistence that everything’s okay.

           Really all I think I managed was to reference it when Kokichi’s internal dialogue comments on his drink being “so sweet it tastes burnt” and then later not tasting like anything. But hopefully the mood’s still there.

             “Tell him… that I have nothing against him,” he says.

           “That’s … not a lie?” Shuichi presses.

           Kokichi shakes his head idly, still not raising his gaze. “I wanted to wreck the killing game and he wanted to save his friend. We both got what we wanted. I’d say the end more than justifies the means.”

           Was that a lie?

           (I don’t want to die Shuichi I’m sorry I’m sorry save me Shuichi please I’m sorry ithurtsmakeitstop—)

           His fingers tighten into clawlike shapes, nails digging sharply into his forearms.

             I really don’t think Kokichi would have anything against Kaito, even if here he’s not being completely honest with how much he’s affected by what happened. It wouldn’t make sense to him to hate Kaito for something he himself proposed, but I think there’d still be a subconscious barrier between them. Too much history.

             “Don’t go, Shuichi, I’m so sorry, I— that was so dumb, what I said, please don’t be sad anymore.” He’s not sure if he can’t breathe because of the exertion of running or because of the hysteria boiling over in his head. “Please don’t go, I didn’t mean to hurt you— please don’t leave, Shuichi, I’m so sorry.”

           “Oh, Kokichi….” Shuichi’s tone is strange, soft and pitying, like he sees something Kokichi doesn’t, and he shakes his head slowly as more tears follow the paths of the others.

           Kokichi goes to his knees, ready to grovel if that’s what it takes, but Shuichi follows him down, closing his other hand over Kokichi’s, and then they’re both crying and he doesn’t know why, and all he can do is repeat a mantra of I’m sorry and hold on as tight as he can.

           It’s horrible. Shuichi’s horrible. Shuichi’s wonderful, and kind and lovely and perfect and Kokichi hates him, Kokichi adores him, and it doesn’t matter because Shuichi’s not actually here but Kokichi doesn’t want to be alone, just let me pretend some more, please, please let me have this—

           “I’ll… I’ll stay,” Shuichi says at last. “I can stay a while longer.”

           You shouldn’t, Kokichi wants to say, but his mouth won’t obey him. You shouldn’t stay if you don’t want to. I don’t deserve having you here. I’m not worth your mercy.

           But there on the bridge, crying tears of relief, he soaks up as much mercy as he can get and hopes it’s enough to drown him.

             I wanted to create a contrast between them that highlights just how the isolation and trauma Kokichi’s experiencing has affected him. He has an almost unhealthy reliance on Shuichi as “the only thing that makes this world bearable,” and panics when faced with the prospect of being alone again so soon. Part of why Shuichi’s crying is because he’s realized the extent of Kokichi’s desperation. It’s not that he thinks Kokichi’s apology is insincere, but that he’s hardly heard him apologize for anything before, so Kokichi going this far has him realizing how bad things really are.

             The door rumbles and slides open when they approach, revealing the bright light of the log-out point that took Shuichi away every time, that would wake Kokichi up in his real body if he walked into it. Shuichi stops just a step away from it, biting his lip as if searching for something to say, but before he can find it, Kokichi reaches out to tug at his sleeve.

           “Shuichi?” he says, distant as the waves on the beach that he can still hear if he listens closely enough. Shuichi turns back toward him. “Before you go, can I be selfish one more time?”

           “Huh…?”

           Shuichi doesn’t move when Kokichi steps closer, reaches up to ghost his fingertips over Shuichi’s jaw and around the back of his neck. He lets Kokichi tilt his head downward, lets him hover inches away, close enough to feel their breath mingle in the night air. Kokichi pauses there to give him the chance to pull away. He doesn’t.

           So Kokichi closes his eyes and the distance between them.

             That last line is a ZEUGMA! It’s a literary device where one word refers to two more in a different way. A popular example is the hyenas’ line “Our teeth and ambitions are bared” from The Lion King. It’s my favorite grammatical trick and I’d love to see more of it in fanfic.

             Slowly, he slides his hand down to Shuichi’s shoulder, using it as leverage to push himself away. That hurts even more. He can’t seem to open his eyes, and he feels so weakened, breathless, fragile. Cracked open, hollowed out.

           When he finally does open his eyes, Shuichi’s are wide with some mix of astonishment and a dozen other emotions. Kokichi bows his head, taking a deep breath to ground himself. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I just wanted to know.”

           “Kokichi,” Shuichi breathes, like a bullet through his heart.

           “Goodbye, Shuichi,” Kokichi says, and shoves him into the light.

           Shuichi’s little yelp of surprise cuts off abruptly as he falls through the door, vanishing into the glow, and all too soon, Kokichi’s alone again in a dream that suddenly seems far too vast. Alone, with the faintest taste of Shuichi’s lips still lingering on his own.

           And he thinks, It was enough just to know you.

           It’s a lie.

             Nothing to say here except that this is my favorite scene and I’m so happy with how it turned out.

             Fake sun rises over fake ocean, fake seagulls glide through fake sky while fake wind tousles fake palm fronds. Kokichi lies on his stomach in the fake grass and talks to his fake family in the fake notebook. Gives them fake names and runs through everything he remembers about them. Apologizes, over and over, wishes he could hug each of them goodbye one last time. Wonders if it would be more painful to die or to never have existed at all.

           He leaves the notebook of his memories on the seat of one of the Ferris wheel cars on the fourth island, because one time he promised them they’d steal the London Eye together.

           He buys a can of fake soda from the fake convenience store on the first island and sits on the fake beach watching the fake waves. Wonders when he’d hit the end of the simulation if he started swimming, or if he’d drown first.

           White sand, blue sea, bluer sky. Washed out, like an amateur watercolor painting.

           He opens the soda can and raises it to his mouth, but … even the thought of drinking it makes him sick to his stomach. He sets it down in the sand and flicks it over, watching the bubbly liquid run down and sink into the sand. The color’s all wrong, like blood streaked against a metal floor.

           He walks the fake streets of the fifth island, passing fake skyscrapers and fake commuters and their fake conversations, until he finally stops outside the factory he’s never been able to bring himself to go into. Smells like oil, and metal and machines and he can hear the sounds and he’s immediately back in the hangar, dizzy on adrenaline and desperation and leaning heavily on Kaito so he doesn’t keel over and die then and there. Kaito says something about how maybe he should sit down for a minute, and Kokichi didn’t agree back then but he does now, goes down on all fours and dry heaves.

           When his vision solidifies and he can stop gasping for breath, he sits up and presses his back against the factory wall, covering his ears and hiding his face in his knees. Tries to convince himself not to imagine Shuichi’s there with him, holding his hand again, promising everything’s going to be okay.

           “I’ve got you. No one’s going to hurt you anymore,” or maybe, “Breathe with me, it’ll be over soon. You’re safe now.”

           I love you.

           He laughs until there’s nothing left in his lungs. He called these little daydreams obsession, before, but now they just seem sick and insane.

             I wanted to indicate throughout this scene that Kokichi’s gotten substantially worse. Instead of halfheartedly interacting with the NPCs or finding something to spend time doing, he’s aimlessly wandering the islands, focused on how fake all of it is. Not even talking to his sketches of DICE can make him feel better. The suicidal ideation starts to slip in even if he doesn’t realize it— a fixation on wondering what death is like, purposefully triggering himself by walking by the factory….

           The thing I want to talk about most though is the italicized I love you. I left it outside of quotation marks and dialogue tags on purpose because I wanted it to be ambiguous as to who’s saying it. If it’s Kokichi’s line, it’s sudden and almost out of place, like he couldn’t hold back from thinking it anymore. But it could be Shuichi saying it, too. Since it’s outside quotation marks, unlike the previous dream-Shuichi lines, it’s more vague, almost a whisper in Kokichi’s thoughts— like he can barely bring himself to imagine it and even feels guilty doing so, because there’s no way it could possibly be real.

           Which do you think?

           Eh, I don’t have an answer. When I hear it in my head, they say it at the same time.

             “How did you know?” he finally croaks.

           Shuichi’s breathing still sounds shaky, too. “Because you said ‘goodbye,’” he says.

           Kokichi finally looks up at him in a silent question.

           “You never say goodbye,” Shuichi says, rubbing his sleeve over his eyes. “It’s always….”

           “‘See you later,’” Kokichi finishes for him. Despite himself, a tiny huff of astonished laughter escapes him. “I didn’t even know, not until a couple of hours ago. And you figured it all out from one word?”

           Shuichi bites his lip at that. “You kissed me,” he says.

           Kokichi’s stomach twists and he looks away. “I said I was sorry—”

           “No.” Shuichi squeezes his hand into a fist and lets it fall to thump against Kokichi’s chest, like he’s trying to knock some sense into him. “It was so honest, and vulnerable, and… and I know how much you hate showing how you really feel.” Another tiny sob catches in his throat. “And so it felt like … like something you’d do if you weren’t going to s-see me again.”

           “Shuichi….” Kokichi trails off as Shuichi muffles his cries in his hand again. He’s so breathtakingly smart. There’s no one else in the world who thinks that way, no one else who could possibly be that attentive and that clever. Not a programmer, not a team of shrinks… how can an AI manage it? How is it that Shuichi always manages to take him by surprise? How can he see straight through him when he least expects it?

           Kokichi’s hand reaches up to Shuichi’s cheek. Reverently traces the path of the tears falling down it.

           “I wish you were real,” he confesses in a whisper.

             Kokichi’s stubborn. So, so stubborn. And he’s not used to being cared about, if the way he does everything by himself is any indication. So it makes sense to me that he’ll refuse to believe anything good can happen to him even in the face of convincing evidence. He’s pretty self-hating for someone so arrogant.

             Kokichi’s weak, deep down to his core, weak for this man. Already knows he’d do anything for him, and the thought is terrifying—that one person could have that much power over him, even if he doesn’t realize it.

           But what if he has realized it? Couldn’t this all be an elaborate ruse, a lie he knew Kokichi would be so desperate to believe that he wouldn’t bother questioning it?

           …Shuichi’s never hurt him, though. Only that one time, when he really deserved it. Shuichi wouldn’t … betray him, even for what he thinks is Kokichi’s own good. They’re… different from each other, that way.

           But still….

           “I’m so scared, Shuichi.” It’s barely a whisper. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

           “You won’t be.” It’s so hard to be skeptical, lost in his eyes. “I’ll be right there with you, for as long as you want. I won’t let you feel like this anymore.”

           Promise me, he wants to blurt out. Promise you’ll stay. Promise me you’ll never leave me, Shuichi, he wants to demand, but that’s wrong, that’s manipulative and selfish and everything he doesn’t want to be for Shuichi anymore.

           Shuichi, of course, says it anyway.

           “I promise, Kokichi.”

…        

           “Kiss me again,” he says. “Please?”

           Shuichi leans in close, then pauses, his brow furrowing the way it does when he catches him in a lie.

           “I’ll kiss you again in the real world,” Shuichi says. “Okay?”

           Kokichi shakes his head. “Shuichi, please.” Please, I don’t think I can do this. Please, I don’t want to wake up to a lie. Please, one last kiss for me to remember in case it was all fake.

           Shuichi reaches out to tilt his chin up and Kokichi closes his eyes, savoring every second, burning it into his memory.

           Shuichi’s soft breath ghosts over his lips.

           “Trust me,” he murmurs.        

           Kokichi’s eyes flutter back open, searching his face. Shifting him around on the white board in his head, seeing what categories he fits into this time. Weird, of course. Suspicious, maybe not. Trustworthy?

           Trustworthy….

           “I do trust you,” he realizes.

             Kokichi’s still hesitant to accept all of this— Shuichi kissing him didn’t magically fix everything. He’ll still doubt all the way to the log-out point, but at least now he realizes that this simulation is only hurting him— that if things are to get better they’re going to have to change, too. He’s got a long way to go before he’s all right, but he’s not going to have to face it alone anymore.

             And that’s a wrap!

           Once again, I’m really proud of this story, and I feel like I grew as a writer because of it. There are a few things I would change if I wrote it again, but for all its flaws it’s still my baby and I like how it turned out.

           Thanks again for all your support for “Hologram,” and thanks even more if you actually waded through all this nonsense of a director’s cut. It’s a huge confidence-boost to think that people liked what I wrote, and even wanted to hear what I had to say about it. If there’s any interest, I’d love to review some of my other fics here, or theorize or brainstorm or whatever else  you’re into. (Ask me what Byakuya’s Thing is in my superhero AU, I dare you 😉)

           I do have a WIP in my folder of bits and pieces currently titled “boy finally gets that kiss”, and it’s a post-Hologram scene from Shuichi’s point of view to just sorta… tie it all together, have them talk things over again… and kiss, of course. We’ll see if anything comes out of that.

           Until next time!

[firesongbard]

Archangel's Shadow

A short snippet from my Post-Control longfic. Read more on AO3

T R A Y N O R

Samantha was grateful to have a puzzle to work on. The busywork of replacing capacitors and cataloging equipment was putting her to sleep. She tagged the table with her omni-tool, pulling up scans of the warehouse, and started marking explosive placements.

“That looks like a lot of cheap charges.”

She looked up at the gravelly voice in surprise. Garrus stood in the doorway, trying his damnedest to look nonchalant with his arms folded as he leaned against the wall. He still looked like hell, though.

She shrugged and waved at the hologram. “You’re actually uniquely suited for this. For a couple reasons.”

“Most of my expertise is in dating someone who punched Reapers in the face often enough to piss them off. But I suppose if you need something shot in the head from 3 kilometers, I’m your turian.”

“What if I need someone to plan a hit for an under-equipped, overly suicidal squad of misfits fueled by little more than spite and a misplaced sense of Justice?”

That may have been a little elaborate. In the last few hours, Sam had spent so much time keeping up with witty retorts she had trouble turning it off now. It took effort to keep up with Joker and James.

“You ah… read my file?”

“I’ll admit my curiosity got the better of me, but yes. I may have read the Shadow Broker’s file on you, as well as the Illusive Man’s dossier, half a dozen resistance newsletters, and then combed the Cerberus Daily News and Alliance News Network logs for mentions of Archangel…”

He remained quiet. Staring at her. Flicking his mandibles in an entirely unreadable and creepy manner. Was he judging her? She was fairly certain she was being judged. With his…judgey anti-hero eyes.

“You have to admit, it’s better reading than most dime novels. The hero with a tortured past running from a home that never loved her, vowing to make at least one corner of the galaxy a better place for the sake of her forbidden lover—“

“Her?”

“What?” Sam pulled herself out of memories of a particularly flowery editorial piece she had—absolutely not added to her personal bedtime collection.

“You said Her. I’m pretty sure Archangel was a guy.”

“Oh, well. Accounts vary.”

“You have a primary source standing in front of you.”

“The forbidden love arc was much more satisfying when it was between the biotic turian and the queen of Omega.”

“Traynor.”

“Better sex too.”

“The mission?”

“Oh God, yes. Sorry.” Her cheeks burned. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she focus? There was a perfectly good puzzle on the table in front of her, and her mind had wandered to dark pulp romance. Get it together, Sam.

“I’ve got the notes; just give me the highlights. What’s your read of the situation? What’s not in the logs?”

She took a breath to bring her mind back to the problem at hand, reached back in the conversation for the last thread that was important. Why Archangel was suited for this.

“We have to plan both sides of this encounter. It isn’t a standard operation. We’re feeding information to both Arcturus First Division and Cerberus and can control what they know. Unfortunately, we have people on both sides of this fight.”

“Vega infiltrated Cerberus? I knew the kid had guts, but—”

“Not James. Kaiden.”

“Alenko?” Garrus laughed. “You’re pulling my leg. It’s gotta be Liara running the show.”

“Believe it or not, Spectre Alenko split the team, sent the Lieutenant to track down the Arcturus First Division base, and ordered Liara back to us with some sort of data packet.”

“Alright. We’ve got two resource-starved teams who both think they’re fighting for justice, and they’re both desperate enough to be stupid. This sounds more like one of your Kepesh-Yakshi gambits. Why do you want me?”

“Cerberus’ team is led by a sniper. Most of my training is on groups led from the front or from a com tower. A sniper has a different perspective of the battlefield, and I won’t be as efficient determining his actions. I want to run scenarios with you, and I want you to play Cerberus. We keep running until we find one where neither of us can win.”

He laughed. “Okay, war games it is. Never did play Kepesh-Yakshi, but Shepard and I used to run Shanxi scenarios with cutlery.”

Traynor finished placing the last of her charges, nodded, and gestured to Garrus.

“I win.” He didn’t even look at the map.

“That’s not how this works!”

“You don’t have a single charge blocking access to a sniper tower. Wherever I go, I get there without incident, set up wherever I’d like, and am free to take potshots at your guys for days. And since I’m sitting on the food stores, you’re getting starved out. And you’re not getting up to a half-decent perch. I blow these two bridges and funnel you up these stairs.”

“Alright, Archangel. Round two. Help me place these charges.”

[beatricethecat2]

“I’m super bummed about the yurt,” Myka says.

“It is rather unfortunate," Helena says. "Perhaps internet rentals are unreliable?”

“That’s how everything’s done these days. And it’s not their fault, the pump died, and no water means it’s a no-go. But I still want that river view.”

“And the solitude. Plus the solar-powered generator.”

“You were super into that,” Myka says. “But this place…” She pushes at the cards scattered in front of her. “They just left stuff lying around. Such a dump.”

“It was rather last minute. Merely a stop-gap; a place to rest our weary heads after nights under the stars.”

“And backs on the hard ground,” Myka grumbles. “Where’d you find this?” She twirls a yellow flower between her thumb and forefinger.

“In the garden behind the shed. Though ‘garden’ and 'shed’ are generous terms.”

“Thanks for picking it. And thanks for being so upbeat about this,” Myka says, cracking a small smile.

“Thank you for humoring my curiosity.” Helena gathers the cards within her reach and piles them into a neat stack.

“It’s given us a destination, which we needed.” Myka pushes more cards towards Helena. “You’re sure none of the sites we saw are what you remember?”

“From the stereographs? No.” Helena fans the cards out and begins to arrange them in suits.

“Could you…could it be you don’t remember it as well as you thought?

"Stereographs were the virtual reality of my day. They immersed one in places inherently foreign to our own. The take-away memories were vivid. I was hoping…”

“Hoping what?” Myka says, scooting closer, joining in organizing the cards.

“That the physicality of the ruins would trigger an emotional response. I viewed the images at one of Charles’s parties not long before I was bronzed. My reaction was quite visceral; I’d felt life flowing through the structures, even though they were long abandoned.”

Helena stares at the card in her hand.

“Then again, I wasn’t exactly in my right mind. Perhaps it’s a ridiculous quest.” She lays the card, a joker, on the table.

“Hey, we’ll keep looking,” Myka says, laying her hand over Helena’s. “We’ll regroup in Vegas, then go north and hit Mesa Verde. It’s pretty magical.”

“You’ve been before?”

“Girl Scout trip. Long, miserable bus ride. But even as a kid, the cliff dwellings felt magical.”

“Perhaps they’re the site I’m looking for!” Helena says, perking up. “And, perhaps we met there in the past. Star-crossed lovers, throughout time and space.”

“Past lives? You believe in that?”

“Not in a grand sense,” Helena says, aligning the gazes of the queen of hearts and queen of spades to face each other. “But I do appreciate that these days, one can mention such trivial mythologies without repercussions.”

“What do you mean?”

“In my day, as a woman, there was little room for flippant musing. Christian values dictated our every move, while Spiritualism promoted the fanatic embrace of communing with the dead. Not to mention the base-level assumption women were of a lesser intellect.”

“So you’d never say it out loud.”

“Never. In fact, I’d blocked it out. Hard science was my escape but at the expense of my sanity.”

“I suppose we all need a sense that something out there's guiding us,” Myka says, plucking the two other queens from the spread and aligning them as Helena did. “It’s kind of romantic to think our connection’s lasted hundreds of years.”

“But you’re not sold.”

“Nah.” Myka slips the cards on top of each other and slides them back into the pile.

“Perhaps my bronzing was the universe’s way of aligning our presence.”

“Sounds like a story you might write. Or one you already did.”

“So pragmatic, Myka Bering.”

“You’re the romantic,” Myka says, bumping Helena’s shoulder.

“I’m a woman of science!” Helena quips playfully.

“Hm, yeah,” Myka mumbles, turning to look towards the other side of the trailer. “Come with me, 'woman of science.’ Let’s test out this awful looking bed.”

She grabs Helena’s hand and tugs her across the room. They tumble in tandem onto the full-size futon.

------------

Bering and Wells On the Road ("Warehouse 13" Season 5 replacement) Season 1: Episode 5 Title: Las Vegas: Hopes, Dreams, and a Little Bit of Crazy

Summary: Myka and Helena travel across the expanse of Texas toward the arid Southwest, tracking down a memory. A last-minute cancellation leads to less-than-ideal accommodations and musings on the universe. A stop in Vegas turns into an artifact hunt after a few nights on the town. While there, a less than supernatural mystery garners honest talk, revealing a sticking point that, for better or worse, is left hanging to be resolved down the line.

Previously: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4

------------

***BONUS SCENE***

“What’s this?” Myka asks, holding a piece of paper found while tidying the room before checkout.

Helena turns from packing and squints at the page.

“It appears to be an advertisement for burlesque.”

“It’s a strip club.”

“There’s a distinction?”

“You’ve watched enough cop shows to know.”

“Touché,” Helena says with a smirk. “Were you considering attending?”

“It’s from your pocket! The stuff you took out to dry clean your coat after it got gooed.”

“I don’t recall saving that piece of ephemera.”

“Maybe you recall this?” Myka flips the paper over.

Helena steps closer and squints again.

“Do you need glasses?”

“I haven’t had proper tea yet,” Helena grumbles. “It appears to be writing.”

“It’s a name. And a number. Who's Giselle?”

“Ah…” A light bulb goes off behind Helena’s eyes. “The tall, blonde you were ogling at the bar.”

“Me? What blonde? Oh…” A dimmer bulb goes off behind Myka’s eyes. “I thought I recognized her from that show we saw, Zumanity.”

“And I’d thought she’d reminded you of a tall blonde from your past.”

“Sam was a man.”

“Gender is a construct–”

“I know! I don’t need another lecture–”

“–designed to control the masses, just like– ”

“Capitalism, religion, television….who knows what else,” Myka gruffs. “No more podcasts in the car for a while, OK?" 

Helena crosses her arms over her chest and grunts dismissively. Myka's face pinches as she holds her ground.

"So you, what, went up to this woman when I took that call from the Warehouse?”

“As it happens, she spoke with me,” Helena says, puffing up like a bird on the defense.

“She came to our table?”

“I’d gone to the bar. I needed a top-up as you’d been gone for an immeasurable amount of time.”

“And she just happened to be there?”

“Coincidentally.”

“Coincidentally? And she 'coincidentally’ gave you her number?”

“We had a lovely conversation about the mechanics from the show. The hanging armatures, the chains, the silks, the water tank. And the athleticism that went into their provocative stunts.”

“Uh-huh. But she gave you her number. Why?”

“I believe there was a misunderstanding.”

“A misunderstanding?”

“Must you parrot me so?” Helena plants her hands on her hips.

“If you’d tell me what really happened, I wouldn’t have to.” Myka mirrors Helena’s pose.

“Fine. You seemed so enamored, I thought to ask questions–”

“I thought I recognized her, that’s all!”

“She was quite stunning. Did I mention statuesque?”

“Helena, why?” Myka waves the page in Helena’s direction.

“She offered us a backstage tour.”

“Us, or you?”

“I’d pointedly mentioned you, so us.”

“Oh.” Myka’s shoulders slump. “What does 'backstage tour’ mean?”

“I believe a peek behind the production.”

“Because you said there was a misunderstanding.”

“Due to her somewhat pointed overtures.”

“I knew it! She was hitting on you.” Myka smacks the desk with her hand. 

Helena grimaces. “I believe she was 'fishing’”

“Do you even know what that is?”

“I do, as per the aforementioned police procedurals. In fact, it was….refreshing, being courted by a woman." 

"I’m a woman!”

“Yes, but….in the wild, so to speak.”

“Did you…” Myka starts, then glances at the paper again. She sits on the edge of the bed and looks up at Helena. “Did you want to go out with her?" 

"Again, I’d pointedly pointed out I was taken.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because we rushed off New York, New York the minute your call from the Warehouse finished.” Helena throws her hands in the air. “We then spent the majority of yesterday chasing an elusive King Kong around that scale model of the city.”

“We did. Stupid antiques convention.”

“I swear we spend more time on Warehouse business than our own.”

“Like once a month.”

“Every week.”

“Every other week. When they call us. Us getting whammied doesn’t count.”

“Mine was New Orleans. Yours Austin. But the others…”

Myka tallies missions on fingers until she hits ten. “You’re right. We’ve spent a lot of time on Warehouse stuff. I’m sorry.”

Helena shakes her head while breathing out a heavy sigh. She sits next to Myka and lays a hand on her thigh. “To answer your question, we’re off today anyway, so there was no point in mentioning it.”

Myka slips her hand over Helena’s. “I bet you actually wanted to see the mechanics backstage. That’s something people do on vacation.”

“Quite an improvement from Trouble Wit,” Helena says.

“I don’t know that that is.”

“Illusions with pleated paper. Parlor tricks, but they delighted Christina so.”

“See, I like hearing that stuff,” Myka says, squeezing Helena’s hand. “Would you have told me any of this if I hadn’t found the flyer cleaning up?’ She hands the paper to Helena.

"Why would it matter?” Helena crumples the paper and lobs it towards the garbage can. It bounces off and onto the floor. 

“Because for this to work we need to talk to each other, tell each other how we feel.” Myka looks Helena in the eye. “I can’t read your mind.”

“Then, perhaps we were not destined to meet throughout time and space.”

“Hey, you can’t take it back. I like that idea now.” Myka threads her fingers through Helena's and flips their hands over. “You’re really annoyed about the work stuff?”

“I was hoping to have you all to myself.”

“You do.” Myka squeezes Helena’s hand again and lifts it up, kissing its back. “How much time do we have before checkout?”

Helena glances at her wristwatch. “Not nearly enough.”

“But it could be.” Myka threads a lock of hair behind Helena’s ear and guides their lips together. Their kiss leads to more-than-kissing in record time.

Next Scene: Running late to checkout…

-TBC-

NOTES: The quote, “Las Vegas is a city built on hopes, dreams and a little bit of crazy,” is by Eleanor Goggin. If you haven’t seen a well-shot stereograph in a viewer, you are missing out. Their mock-3D spaces from bygone eras can be mind-blowing.Myka with the flyer is from a season four episode where she and Pete go to Las Vegas. The show Zumanity is a racy offshoot of Cirque du Soleil and just closed after a seventeen-year run in Vegas. I started reading a fascinating dissertation about why middle- and upper-class Victorian women embraced Spiritualism. In a nutshell, it gave them autonomy and a sense of power within the rigid confines of what was expected of them as women while they remained safe within the construct of home. H.G. would have bristled at that, because she wanted more. But I’m certain she would have been fascinated by Hilma af Klint’s amazing drawings and paintings, even though they were based in Spiritualism and Theosophy. Oh and here's on of the stereographs. (H.G. would have seen it later than 1898.) Also, the title font/design is from the first edition of the book you are thinking of but the content is not related.

[kneamet]

Masterlist

Masterlist

Tom Hiddleston

Basic:

- Popular character's Tom Hiddleston in yandere (part 1) 

- Popular character's Tom Hiddleston in yandere (part 2)

[Tom Hiddleston]

- Protection

- I adore you

- Failed Escape

- Patient №73 (fan fiction) — You-a hard-working doctor is transferred to another mental hospital, where you are immediately assigned a very strange, but friendly patient №73. However, you also have to find out the reason why he killed one person. What you don’t know is that when your shift with him is over, he won’t want to let you go.

- Mysterious man

- Pure Admiration

- Branding

- Real Fan 

- Toes 

- Angel of Cards (fan fiction) — Joker, Mr. J, anarchist psychopath, Tom Hiddleston. He had many nicknames. Joker was Gotham's most dangerous and insightful man, with sharp makeup and horribly memorable scars on his face in the form of a smile. He was absolutely crazy and deadly. No one knows his real identity and everyone is afraid of his cruel jokes. But what happens when he becomes obsessed with an ordinary girl? She belongs to him. No one can take her away from him. Even The Batman.

- Betrayal

- Portrait

- CEO

- Donation

- Dependence (fan fiction) — There were many charms in life. However, Tom Hiddleston, having tried the most forbidden ones, could no longer imagine his life without them. The rest for him was nonsense, not worth his attention. After all, in order to survive, he needs to find a dose, thanks to which he feels better, not paying attention to the other rabble that reigns around. He doesn't care about his mother, who brings men into the house; he doesn't care about his sisters, whom he envies; he doesn't care about the whole world. But soon his search for a new dose will turn into a search for a girl who has won a victory over his drug-addicted mind, absorbing him completely and occupying all his thoughts. And he won't stop until he gets what he wants.

[Loki]

- Showing love

- Forced

- Necklace

- Second time

- Westview

- the legend of the god of lies (drabble)

- dance crescent (drabble)

[Robert Laing] 

- Danger

- Daddy's little princess

[Thomas Sharpe]

- Control

- Older Brother (fan fiction) — What if the story of Crimson Peak existed in reality? A menacing atmosphere, Gothic dresses and costumes, an intriguing Sharpe family, with a sister who has a rather strange relationship with her older brother Thomas.

- Disappointment

- Fear 

- Flower

- Perfect

[Hank Williams]

- My little wife 

- Songbird

- Support

- Inspiration

- Delusion (fan fiction) — She was the only girl in his band whose singing he loved so much. She was the person he truly respected. Andy Miles was someone Hank Williams had an unrelenting obsession with.

[Scott Fitzgerald]

- His Muse

- "The Trap of the Word"

[Jaguar!Tom Hiddleston]

- Pancakes

- Typical Stalker 

- Opponent

- Tears

- Danses

[Freddie Page]

- Dangerous Help

- I'll always find you

[Prince Hal/Henry V]

- My Venus

[Jonathan Pine]

- Proposal

- Juliet

- Never

[James Nicholls]

- Christmas Gift

- Baby

[Adam]

- Ray of sun

Ewan Mcgregor

Basic:

- Ewan McGregor's characters in yandere (1 part)

- Ewan McGregor's characters in yandere (2 part)

- Ewan McGregor's characters in yandere (3 part)   

[Obi-Wan Kenobi]

- A dream does not dry on a knife

- glance — and hysteria will begin (drabble)

- requiem for fate (drabble)

- bound by blood (drabble)

- the extinguished star (drabble)

- The stars all belong to the Gods

[Christian]

- le désir de peindre (drabble)

[Roman Sionis] 

- The Caged Bird

-  ​my beautiful madness (drabble)

- blood moom ball (drabble)

[Patrick McKenna]

- angels don't fly (drabble)

- All the roses go to hell

- crown of thorns (drabble)

[Mark Renton]

- black sun (drabble)

[Curt Wild]

- amore amore (drabble)

[Christopher Robin]

- Chance

[Jonathan McQuarry]

- Illusions

A/N I don't have a lot of stories yet, but I promise that the master list will be updated every day.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Duplicity

An AU where Kaidan joins Cerberus for the events of ME2.

Chapter Eight: Visitors

"You could have changed first," Mary's eyes flickered to the man, "it would have made a better impression."

This was the Commander on her best behavior, attempting not to scorn the man she once loved. The man that had carried her broken body from the field and into safety. The man that blushed and rubbed at his forehead under her scrutiny, unconsciously buying himself further slack with a motion that brought her back to the old days. She thought reaching him was impossible then; now it was somewhere between impossible and a nightmare. The dissonance firing off in her skull was astounding, painful.

"I was worried about," he choked out, in the husky tone that made her heart flutter, " you."

"We should worry more about ourselves- really, Kaidan? Mouthing off to the Illusive Man?"

Honestly, she was proud of him. Other than the one time he killed a superior, he was quite mellow toward most authority figures. The point value tripled because it was toward the Cerberus ring leader. His hand rubbed the back of his neck, fiddling a while before he would answer.

"Commander, the writing's on the wall here- he sent you... us into a trap. It was negligent at best, he could have easily told us. Given us a chance to prepare-"

"Leave that sort of thing to the three billion dollar asset."

"Four billion," Kaidan smirked, "that also happens to have a death wish."

Mary's eyes fluttered away, losing her will to act brave. Her heart was allowed to fear for another, "maybe I was aiming for you."

His dark eyebrow raised.

"Besides, I can at least try to end my life in the way I see fit."

It was a harsh kickback from the moment of vulnerability. It was too easy for her to return to a level of comfort with Kaidan; why wouldn't it be easy? They had spent nearly a year together more than enough time to grow close, to learn all the ticks and what they meant. Plus, she was bitter. Angry, he had a part in bringing her back to this fucked reality. One where she was shackled to Cerberus. Where her autonomy was a fading illusion, Mary was trapped, and rattling at the bars wasn't enough. Whether it was the nuclear option or falling into submission wasn't entirely clear, both paths still fought.

His other eyebrow joined, creasing toward the center. Reflexively frowning at Shepard's insinuation, a hand returning to massage at his temple, he had no defense. Nothing that would change her mind anyway. He loved her; that was obvious. He couldn't stand to lose her, but he had already told her that. It was in the galaxy's best interest to have her around and kicking Reaper ass, in that there was no doubt. Mumbling and fumbling over words wouldn't budge the Commander. There was no reason even to attempt such a thing.

"I won't apologize for bringing you back."

"What about working for Cerberus?" Mary spat.

Kaidan barked, the aggressive tone an accidental exhaling of emotion, "did Chakwas or Joker get this lecture too? Or is it just me?"

"Does it matter?"

"So Joker gets a warm welcome, you end up drunk with Chakwas, and I end up dodging crates? How is that fair?" he questioned with folded arms.

"They didn't see what they did first hand," she reeled, "they... you... didn't... you knew they killed my unit. You met Toombs."

"And hearing about it wasn't enough?"

Mary's throat bobbed, "it's different."

"Don't BS me, Commander," he retorted sternly, "we're way past that."

"I expected better of you."

"Why? Why just me?"

"You're a good man, Kaidan. I don't like being wrong," Mary went cold, folding her arms over herself, "I don't like thinking I misjudged you."

"Let me get this right...because of our relationship, you expect me to live up to a lofty standard?"

"Hardly lofty. Terrorist organization hardly seems your style," Mary's eyes barbed him with daggers.

"Yet you stick with them."

"What choice do I have? Can I just leave? They've brought in everyone I care about, the Illusive Man has already proved he doesn't mind using anyone connected to me as bait," she looked away, "I'm trapped here."

Kaidan lowered his arms, daring to close a portion of the distance between them. He wanted to assure her, to assuage Mary that she was not the only one caged. It wasn't the time, "I felt the same way when the Council... the Alliance threw me aside. Knowing the Reapers are coming is terrible stuff. Instead of waiting around, I did something."

"You went too far, Kaidan."

"The same could have been said when we mutinied."

"We didn't experiment on people."

"Yeah, Cerberus has a lot to answer for," Kaidan retreated.

Mary didn't answer, watching him coldly. He was sure if she could move from that bed she would have decked him hard on the way out. But she was stuck- tied to the bed by medical tape. She seemed in fine condition to anyone else, but he could see the subtle wince when her breath drew too deep, or her volume grew too loud. Kaidan knew Mary better than anyone.

"What am I supposed to say, Mary? Surviving tore me apart. You, you already know what happened at first, but I had the chance to do something. To fight against what I knew was about to happen," Kaidan stepped forward, "maybe we'll never be what we were. But don't judge me, and let me help. I know how this looks-"

The biotic finally dared to meet her gaze- just in time to watch the tears spring from her eyes," just stop," Mary pleaded, looking at anything else that could distance her, "it may have been two years for you, I get it. You've mourned me. It's only been a few weeks, I felt myself die... just to wake up, and everything is... different. I'm still not sure if I'm in hell or not. Cerberus wasn't even a place I'd be in my nightmare."

Mary's bright eyes suddenly caught him, "and you're with them."

Kaidan moved forward, a hand extended as the Commander curled into herself, pulling up the blanket in vain, hoping it would hide her. Sheild her from the vulnerability she was not willingly presenting. It leaked, and it was unfair of him to take advantage of her. In a previous time her guard would have dropped; now she fought to keep it up—only a part of her struggle to keep sane in this new life. His hovering arm dropped, retreating several paces to force himself to stop.

"I didn't want to believe it," Kaidan stalled, looking at his feet, "but I've been thinking, realized that some of these people are good people. Maybe misguided, but... good."

Mary nodded, keeping her head turned away from him.

"Look, I didn't come here to lecture you," Kaidan sent over a dossier from his omnitool, "I brought some good news. If pulling in someone else we know into this mess is good news."

She shook her arm free of the blanket, the orange illumination of her face revealing a subtle shift in her state. The corner of her lip pulling up after the initial pass of regret filtered over her face, at least the tears he should do nothing about slowed to a trickle.

"There are more dossiers, but I knew this one would be most the important."

"Send them over."

Mary scanned the other two, far more passive in her reading of the other potential members of her crew. This was his cue to leave, so he moved to do just that.

"Just be more careful next time," Mary murmured, following his path out of the medical bay.

Kaidan paused, nodding before ducking out of sight.

~~~

"Thanks Shepard, I will," Liara smiled warmly.

"I'll talk to you later, Li Li," Mary stood, acknowledging Miranda's sideways look with a lop-sided smile. Trotting down the stairs from the administrator's office.

"Jealous, Lawson?"

"No, I-" Miranda smiled nervously, "you aren't going to let this go, are you?"

"Not until I find the perfect nickname."

"Oh god," Miranda muttered, massaging her temples, "Miri and nothing else will be acceptable."

"Really?" Mary prodded but gently offering concern rather than utter mirth.

"Is it not embarrassing enough?"

The Commander grinned smugly, "no, it's just-"

"Just what?" Miranda blew with hands moving to her perfect hips.

Mary didn't avoid the conversation out of pettiness- Joker's voice drowned out the moment, pulling away from the lightness of her mood.

"Shepard, we, uh, have a visitor? Some Kai Leng he claims to be Cerberus."

"You let him on the ship?"

"Let is not the word I'd use."

"And everything was going so well," Garrus quipped, the quicker of her companions to read the shift of Shepard's energy.

"Mr. Moreau is correct, Mr. Leng is here on the Illusive Man's orders," EDI pipped in, "I had to let him in."

"You better hurry; he already pissed off Tali."

"I'm on my way, Joker."

"A stowaway problem, Shepard?" Garrus asked with a cock of his head.

"Miri," it was too grave for a lighthearted nickname, "do you know a Kai Leng?"

"That bastard."

Mary cocked her head, her smile fading into a frown, "Miranda?"

"This isn't good news, Shepard. He's the Illusive Man's personal pet," she spat.

"Threat level?"

"Ten."

Mary picked up her pace to the Normandy, ignoring the sideways glances and concerned looks she received. The doors to the ship were open for her, and an over-the-shoulder call from Joker directed the party to the shuttle bay. The elevator felt like it took centuries, and neither of her companions wanted to say a word. Not even a half ignored news clip to pass the time. Leaving her to claw at her vambrace, annoyed to be tramping through her ship in unclean armour. It was a minor detail, but she hated bringing unnecessary germs onto the belly of her ship. She had a quarian to consider.

As if that was her greatest worry at the moment.

Mary stormed into the cargo bay, surprised to find three figures, and notably the lack of a certain Quarian. The krogan presence was less of a surprise, if there was a fight Grunt would find it. With his space overlooking the bay, he didn't have to pry, and furthermore, Jack's latest biotic blast wasn't easily ignored.

"If you think I'm letting you take me now," Jack heaved, dodging a projectile and returning a side-stepped shockwave, "you're fucking wrong!"

"Jack!" Mary screamed, breaking the biotic's concentration, and then her head swiveled to the stranger, "you must be Kai Leng."

"Shepard," the dark-haired stranger drawled, sending an instinctive shiver down her spine.

She wouldn't be intimidated, ignoring the gnawing sense this man would as quickly kill her as he would shake her hand, but it couldn't stop the protect folding of her arms over her chest, "why are you tormenting my crew?"

"Lawson," he continued, the smug smile leaving as he examined the turian, "and this must be the one known as Archangel."

Mary stepped in to partially block his view of Garrus. She knew that look.

The mixed heritage man extended out his hand- Mary had never wanted to do anything less, but this was a power move. Declining would give him the literal and figurative upper hand. Fuck, his grip was tight, overbearing.

"I was sent here to help; after all, the fate of humanity is resting on your shoulders," Shepard felt the omitted words from his saccharine tone.

"I don't need the kind of help that torments my crew."

"I corrected your blatant disregard for Cerberus' confidentiality."

A chuckle escaped Garrus's airway, on inspection, Miri sported a fleeting smirk. Spurring Mary on to laugh in his face, "yeah, from stolen Alliance and Turian designs."

"This wasn't part of the deal, Shepard," Jack butted in.

"You'll get those files back."

"Will you?"

"You'll learn soon enough that Shepard gets her way, Leng."

Kai Leng took his turn to chortle, "so quick to betray Cerberus, Miss Lawson?"

Miranda exhaled slowly, "what's the harm in a few classified files," her tone almost defeated. Mary and Jack meeting each other with a curious look.

"I'm sure you can find your way to temporary quarters?" Mary returned her attention to the stranger, "The Illusive Man and I need to have a chat in the meantime."

[theclassycandy]

Fluff Alphabet - Beckett x Anna

Word Count (Including the questions): 2075

A/N: Hi friends! I just really wanted to manifest the fluff energy into something! Some of these are are lot longer than others. Hope you guys enjoy it!

Tags: @miss-smrxtiee , @holystxne, @adam-dumortains , @herarmoredheart , @ilikeyellingatmyscreen

Tell me if you want to be tagged for future fics/headcanons about TE!

A = Attractive (what do they find attractive about the other?)- Anna and Beckett love everything about each other, but if you would force them to pick their favorite Beckett would say her duality. It may sound weird but Anna is optimistic, a very sunny person in real life. She loves how happy and loved she makes him feel simply by existing. Though, one time he had walked in Anna’s meeting room during a company-wide crisis and Anna had the poise, eloquence, intelligence and leadership skills to get the job done under an excruciating amount of stress. This stunned Beckett (and left him very turned on) of Anna’s stature that demands respect; he always knew that she’s a force of nature when she needs to be. For what Anna loves about Beckett, she would say his passion. His passion for his career. His passion for awards. His passion and ambition. His passion for her. His passion wanting to be a better man. Even his passion when they’re in bed...

B = Baby (do they want a family? why/why not?)- 100000% yes. Beckett would absolutly love being a father of Anna’s children. Anna has wanted to be a mother for as long as she could remember. Especially since she really wants a family of her own with Beckett.  

C = Cuddle (how do they cuddle?)- They like cuddling whenever they need to when they’re alone. But they like to do it best naked in bed, after doing something sexual. Anna loves to intertwine her legs with Beckett's legs and laying her head on Beckett’s chest, giving him kisses right above his heart. Beckett loves wrapping his arms around her, cradling Anna’s head and lovingly kissing the top of her head. 

D = Dates (what are dates with them like?)- Before they graduated they’re dates were low-key but still filled with love. But since they’ve become public figures and the public eye is always on them, they have more high-class, really expensive dates. Though whoever is the one responsible for planning the date they’ll make some sort of extra mile to make their dates special. 

E = Everything (“you are my ____” (e.g my life, my world…))- For Beckett, Anna calls says “you’re the love of my life” to Beckett. For Anna, Beckett would say “you’re my amazing sunshine” to her and whenever they say that to each other the break out in loving and wide smiles.

F = Feelings (when did they know they were falling in love?)- Beckett can’t pinpoint exactly when he fell in love with Anna since it’s probably like, before their first year of Penderghast ended. The word “love” first came to mind when he thought of Anna when they played hooky and skipped class (book 2 chapter 6) but quickly extinguished the thought out of fear that she probably thinks of him as just a friend with benefits. He remembers wanting to say it for the first time when Kane had kidnapped Anna and he was desperate to make a portal to her no matter if it killed him. For Anna she knew she loved him the moment he called out Kane after one of his minions put an illusion spell on her and Beckett went all ‘over-protective boyfriend’ (book 2 chapter 9) and they weren’t even dating at the time!

G = Gentle (are they gentle? If so, how?)- One of the biggest reasons why Beckett fell for Anna is because she is a great listener and very empathetic when it came to his family issues (like in book 2 chapter 2 when Beckett was upset because of Katrina’s professor position). Her kindness and gentle nature towards not just him, but to others makes his heart flutter every time, often caught staring at her in amazement. Beckett, on the other hand isn’t the most gentle person to others. But Anna feels special, knowing she’s the only person on this planet who sees Beckett’s thoughtful, sweet and romantic side. The way he cups her face and gazes in her eyes, how much effort he puts into their dates, the way he worships her with even the smallest of touches. Anna absolutely loves this incredible man that she’s fallen for, and at various times wonders what she did to deserve him. 

H = Hand/Hold (how do they like to hold? how do they like to hold hands?)- They hold hands whenever they can. When they go out on family dinners, especially Anna’s family they’ll joke it’s glued together. For Beckett’s family, since most of his family gathering are fucking full-on galas, the extended family will sometimes gossip about them. They’re really excited for Anna to join the family but that’s mostly because of her luxurious and and elegant public image and the prestige she’ll bring to the family name, they do know that she makes Beckett happy, though. 

I = Impression (first impression/s)- As we all know, Beckett was really fucking rude when they first met, and Anna hated him. For Beckett he was obviously rude, but he was secretly intimidated by her, because her could feel her magickal potential the moment she landed on campus. If only they knew back then how much they would mean to each other later in life...

J = Joker (are they into pulling pranks?)- They actually don’t play pranks on each other at all but Anna jokes around with him constantly. Beckett adores Anna’s sense of humour and that he can make him feel better and laugh even on the most stressful of days. Though, Anna plays pranks on the rest of the PendPals, even after their graduation! Beckett says “I’m opposed to joining in on this nonsense” but let’s honest, Anna is his biggest weakness so he’ll join and help her and even get a laugh form it himself. 

K = Kisses (how do they kiss?)- They kiss whenever they want to want. Whether it be a quick kiss when the other needs to leave or kissing like their lives depend on it, pushing each other on the nearest surface, getting their clothes off. They’re both amazing kissers. They both love when they lose their inhibitions and they kiss. The moans, the tiny gasps and gripping each other’s clothes. 

  L = Love (who says I love you first?)- Beckett said “I love you” first on their last day of their second year at Penderghast. He couldn’t keep it in anymore and he needed to say before they parted for summer break again. Anna was overjoyed that Beckett said the 3 little words and when she said them back, the both of them felt both elated and sad. Elated because they confessed their immense for each other and sad because they had to leave for summer break the next day. 

M = Memory (their favourite moment together)- I don’t think they’ll be able to choose, so I’m just gonna list them. 

- The first time they slept together (book 1 chapter 15)

- When Beckett healed Anna after falling in the mirror dimension (book 1 chapter 11)

- Anna’s birthday (book 1 chapter 14)

- When Anna came to visit Beckett in the medical ward (book 2 chapter 12) 

- When they said I love you to each other for the first time (book 2 chapter 17)

N = Nickel (do they spoil? do they buy the person they love everything?)- People ask “would you rather sentimental gifts or expensive gifts?” but for Anna and Beckett; who are some of the most richest and most famous people in the world, why not both? Anna likes to design luxury watches for Beckett every once in a while for a gift with loving messages engraved inside. Beckett loves gifting her experience, like trips all over the world on Anna’s private jets. 

O = Orange (what colour reminds them of their other half?)- Yellow, gold and light pink remind Beckett of Anna, because yellow and gold represent sunlight and Anna’s Beckett sunshine. And light pink because it’s Anna’s favorite colour. Gray, sliver and dark blue remind Anna of Beckett. Dark blue because that was the colour of Becket’s blazer when they were in college. Silver reminds her of his metal attunement and gray is the colour of his deep eyes. 

  P = Pet names (what pet names do they use?)- They will call each other baby, sweetie, sweetheart or call each other they’re last names. After they got married Anna’s full name is now Anna Yoon-Harrington but they both love it when Beckett just calls her Mrs. Harrington. (Beckett gets really horny when Anna calls him Mr. Harrington in bed but you didn’t hear that from me...) 

Q = Questions (what are the questions they’re always asking?)- They will often ask each other how much they love each other and what they love about each other. Sometimes they’ll ask each other when they’re just relaxing together, when the other is feeling down, or just because! They love being in love with each other. 

R = Rainy Day (what do they like to do on a rainy day?)- They’ll just stay inside and have a low-key night with each other, get some takeout, and watch some TV. They might get some work in and maybe even workout together but Anna bought her own personal gym for more intense exercises and Beckett does very calming yoga. 

S = Sad (how do they cheer themselves/each other up)- Beckett will wrap her up in his arms and comforts her, saying that he loves her and that she’ll be able to figure it out. When Beckett feels sad, Anna will just be near him in case he wants to talk about it. She’ll cook one of his favorite meals or order something. They both also love comfort, loving sex to make the both of them feel better. 

T = Talking (what do they love to talk about?)- Beckett loves talking about his studies and new discoveries in his research. He owns one of the biggest and technologically-advance research centres in the world. Anna often visits him, whether it’s because she misses him or because of work, since the both of them are in science but Beckett advances magick (mostly ward and portal magick) and Anna is in tech. But above all, his favorite thing to learn is all about Anna. Learning about her makes him so happy, wanting to memorise and learn everything about her. What she loves, what her plans are for the future and what makes her happy. 

U = Unencumbered (what helps them relax? Include a headcanon!)- For the both of them, the others mere presence is enough to comfort them, even if they’re even not talking. When they were seniors in Penderghast, Beckett had his finals and he was beyond stressed. But when Anna sat on his lap and wrapped her arms around neck and laid her head on his shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her waist, he had never been so calm during studying! 

  W = Wedding (when, how, where do they propose?)- Beckett proposes on one of their international dates about a year and a half after they graduate. (They’ll both be around 23-24) He’s kind of scared because they’re both so young but deep down in his heart, Anna and him being soulmates is a 10000000% certainty. (I might do a wedding/proposal fic in the future!) 

X = Xylophone (what’s their song?)- “Can’t Help Falling in Love” is their song. One time Anna sang the song softly when she thought he was asleep while she was caressing his cheek but he could hear her singing the entire time. Beckett had never heard such a beautiful and ethereal-sounding voice.  

Y = You’re the ___ to my ___ (e.g the cookies to my milk, the macaroni to my cheese)- Beckett said “You’re the key to my heart” once to Anna, not realizing how cheesy it is so Anna will repeat it from time to time, as a way to tease him. But in reality, her heart absolutely melts and she breaks out into such a large smile that her jaw starts to hurt every time she thinks of it. 

Z = Zebra (if they wanted a pet, what pet would they get?)- Anna’s lumien, Solar, already lives with them though Anna would love a small kitten. Solar and Navi (Atlas’ familiar) already have play mates every time Anna and Atlas meet. 

That’s the end for the fluff alphabet! I hope you enjoyed it!

[linkspooky]

Toga Himiko’s Normal Life

Himiko looks like the most straight forward case of what pop culutre considers to be a classical sociopath / psychopath in My Hero Acadmia. Shigaraki, Dabi, Hawks were all groomed to become the way they were, but Himiko possessed a natural inclination towards blood and violence from the start. She seesm to be a natural born cold blooded killer, however in this meta I’ll argue that while Toga seems like the flip-side of a normal, good person like Uraraka, she’s actually just a normal girl herself. 

1. Character Origins

Volume sixteen of My Hero Academia had an official illustration included as an extra that shows the characters Twice and Himiko drawn together in an illusion to a famous Joker and Harley Quinn illustration. 

Now, I’m not going so far as to claim Himiko was based off of Harley Quinn, but one the league of villains and characters like Twice (and ReDestro) have made similiar references to the Joker before that especially with the quote “All it takes is one bad day”. There’s also enough similarities betweeen the two characters, they’re both the only female members of a crime syndicate that is mostly men, and dominated by men. Their backstories mirror each other, they were both relatively sane, normal, girls, until suddenly they cracked one day and became a total inversion of their previous presonality. There are enough similarities that I could use Harley as an example to explain a few of the important ideas present in Toga’s character. 

They are also both female characters who are written with love as the central concept of their characters. Harley’s origin as originally depicted in the comic and episode for the Batman the Animated Series “Mad Love” goes as follows: Harleen Quinzell was a psychiatrist working at Arkham. Eventualy she came to sympathize with one of her patients which triggered a transformation in her from well meaning doctor, to love-sick sycophant of the joker who broke him out of prison. 

A lot of Batman Villains have origins like this. The most comparable one is Harvey Dent. Proescutors, Doctors, we are told the people who hold these jobs are good and righteous people. Even Harley herself started out as someone who just sympathized with a patient too much. However, somehow they become flipped into the exact opposite versions of themselves. They go mad for lack of a better words. Harvey Dent who was once a symbol of justice, becomes nothing more than a murderer, and Harley Quinn goes from healer to the sidekick of a mad clown willing to destroy everything in the name of love. 

The question, asked in both Himiko and Harley’s stories is how can good people flip like this? 

Most people have a black and white view of these issues: good people are only capable of good actions, and bad people are capable of bad actions. It’s hard to swallow the fact that any normal person has the capacity to cause so much harm inside of them. 

We see similiar remarks in the background of Himiko’s story. Himiko comes from a good upper class family, she went to what was most likely a good school, she was always smiling and surrounded by friends. Everyone who comments on her sudden transformation reacts in a similiar way. “She was aways so cheerful and well-behaved, I still find it hard to believe.” She was always such a good girl, and good people don’t do those things. 

Normal people, good people, don’t have the capacity to do bad. That’s what makes the transformations so shocking. Therapists/Doctors are supposed to heal, Prosecutors are supposed to be just. And now we return to our old friend Jung. 

The story of Harleen Quinzell and Harley Quinn. The story of Himiko Toga the happy middle school girl and Himiko Toga the serial killer is a tale told over and over again, it’s just usually told with male protagonists instead of female ones. It’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 

Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (1886) is a late-Victorian variation on ideas first raised in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1818). Stevenson’s monster, however, is not artificially created from stitched-together body parts, but rather emerges fully formed from the dark side of the human personality. In the story Dr Jekyll, an admired member of the professional Victorian middle-classes, conducts a series of scientific experiments which unleash from his own psyche the ‘bestial’ and ‘ape-like’ Mr Hyde (ch. 10). Gothic fiction had examined the idea of the sinister alter ego or double before on many occasions but Stevenson’s genius with Jekyll and Hyde was to show the dual nature not only of one man but also of society in general.

“Man is not one, but truly two.”

Robert Louis Stevenson

Both cases are tales are transformation, of the monster coming from within. Himiko transforms from middle school girl into serial killer. Harleen Quinzell transforms into Harley Quinn. Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde. We witness a transformation into a monster that seems the antithesis of everything that person was boefre, but was inside of them all along this works because of the jungian idea of the shadow. 

The shadow is the unconscious side of personality. The shadow is what exists but what we do not acknowledge. If our behavior during everyday life, choosing to smile, choosing to talk to people, choosing to use our manners is a mask then the shadow is the face beyond the mask. The conscious personality conceals, the shadow reveals. It’s the difference betewen who we are and who we choose to be. The shadow isn’t necessarily negative however. The shadow is just the repressed side of our personalities, it’s what we try to hide. 

The shadow plays a role in Harleen’s transformation. While it’s present in Mad Love as well, a recent miniseries ‘Harleen’ really dives into the Jungian symbolism. There’s even several similarities in common with Himiko’s story, for example there’s a scene where Harleen is shown watching the bat man beat up joker and notice how everyone is cheering despite the fact that it’s violent. 

Himiko’s interest in a boy is sparked by watching him get into a fight while everybody else is cheering for him. 

The cover page depicts the change between Quinn and Quinnzel as a crumbling mask, which is the exact same imagery used for Himiko. 

When she enters Arkham she chooses to depict Harley Quinn’s silhouette in Harleen’s shadow. Once again implying that the transformation is not so sudden and jarring as it seems, that Harley Quinn has always been there and is a part of her psychology the same way Mr. Hyde is inside Dr. Jekyll. 

The comic even points it out. Harleen, and also by extension Harvey Dent are people who claim to be “good, righteous people’ and yet both of them end up transforming into murderers. Two-face’s name is literally two-face.

There’s also one particularly Jungian sequence in the middle of the conflict. She dreams (dreams are unconscious and therefore the realm of the shadow in Jung’s theories) about the city of gotham as a place inhabited with citizens who are monsters wearing the faces of human beings. 

The idea is consistent throughout that Harleen is not really a ‘good person’ she’s merely repressed. She has had this capacity to be violent inside of her, this selfishness, all of these dark desires carried with her all along but rather than deal with them in any healthy way she repressed them until repressing them is no longer an option. Harvey Dent’s face gets half burned off, Harley’s skinn gets bleached by chemicals, the monsterous features inside of them are now worn on their faces and they have to wear their ugliness on the outside rather than the inside. They are now expressing every single thing they have repressed. However, the suggestion in both stories is that these are not special cases, that Gotham is such a repressed society that everyone is repressing the things they don’t like about themselves in that way. Harley fell in mad love sure, but love was just the reason, just the trigger, the truth is those feelings always lurked inside of her and she had no healthy way of dealing with them before that point. 

That is the shadow, it’s everything you repress but it never disappears. If you ignore it, it takes on a life of its own. In some cases, like Harley’s you basically become your own shadow. Harley is the flipped upside down version of Harleen Quinzel, now her inner demons are what are expressed on the surface (desperation to be loved, violence, etc.) while her ‘normal’ self is hidden under a mask of insanity. That’s in fact how she ends the comic, Harley qalking around while Harley is trapped on the other side of the mirror because they have basically traded places. Now Mr. Hyde is walking around, while Dr. Jekyll is hidden personality. But it’s important to remember it’s not something like a split personality, Harleen Quinzell and Harley Quinn were always two sides of the same person. Even when she starts expressing her ‘bad’ traits, the good traits don’t go away. They’re just hidden underneath the surface the way the repressed bad traits used to be. Because you’re not good or bad, you’re not one side or the other. You’re both at the same time. Man is not one, but truly two. 

So the complexity in Himiko comes from understanding that she’s BOTH a normal girl, and also a blood crazy yandere psycho. 

2. A Normal Girl - Uraraka Ochaco

Uraraka is a pretty standard shonen heroine. She’s a cheerful girl. She’s a supportive friend. She’s the embodiment of what you’d call a good, kind, person and doesn’t seem to be any more complex than that. She lacks say the drive to be a hero that Midoriya does, the superiority complex that Bakugo has, the emotional issues that Todoroki has. She seems to always be agreeable and in a cheerful mood. 

If you look just a little bit closer though she always seems to be walking on eggshells when she’s around others. She doesn’t want to join Deku and the others to try to save Bakugo from the heroes because, it might hurt Bakugo’s feelings. 

When she loses in the hero tournament, she apologizes to her parents crying not because she feels bad that she lost, but she feels like she failed them. Like it was her job to win and bring money home. However, when Deku comes to check on her in the room she’s already completely hidden her tears. 

Going into her backstory we learn that Uraraka is walking on eggshells around everybody due to her own parents, that she’s spent her life trying to be as small of a burden on them as possible because she could see the tired looks on their faces. She’s a child who felt guilty that her parents had to take care of her. 

So, for Uraraka her entire life is devoted to making herself seem as small and inconsequential as possible. Other people’s needs will always trump hers. Other people will always have more noble motivations for becoming a hero than she has. Other people’s emotions will always be louder and take priority over hers. Uraraka sees her own emotions and needs as mere trifles that get in the way, and so she always shuts them down. We see Uraraka as a version of Himiko, a high school girl who always appears to be cheerful and well-behaved but is merely repressed. 

Uraraka repeats the same unhealthy behavior as Himiko once did. Which is why Uraraka’s first meeting with Himiko goes with Himiko getting such a cold read on her. 

It’s helpful to view Himiko as the flipped version of Uraraka. Uraraka hides everything that���s pleasant about her on the inside, and on the outside appears like a perfectly selfless girl. Himiko is someone who hides her good qualities and instead wears the mask of a bloodthirsty psycho on the outside. While Uraraka lives by denying her selfish desires, Himiko always chases after them and is true to them. 

Traits that are repressed in Uraraka, are expressed in Himiko. Especially traits that society sees as bad in girls, like selfishness, being emotional, etc..

The way Himiko acts is especially jarring because she seems convinced she’s a normal person. She’s in her own little world, making friends, getting along with other people, it’s just her friendship just happens to involve stabbing. 

Himiko appears to be a girl psychotically obsessed with blood and nothing else. A girl who only cares about killing other people and chopping them up to bits. When she expresses the feelings deep inside of herself, literally no one can make heads or tails of what she’s saying, she doesn’t sound like a girl just a bloodthirsty monster. 

While Uraraka seems like she has nothing in common with what is essentially a weird serial killer, we learn that the exact behavior that Uraraka’s creation is what led to Himiko’s current state of mind. 

The difference between them is not that Uraraka is a person of higher moral character, or a better person, but rather of circumstances between the two of them. It’s not the choices they made but rather things they were born into and couldn’t control. Uraraka has parents that accept her even when she fails and encourage her. 

Toga had parents that  abused their daughter, and then abandoned her. 

Uraraka chose to repress herself, while Toga was forced to become repressed by her parents. While we don’t know for sure if it was physical abuse it’s at least emotional abuse, and it had to be to an extreme extent to make Himiko snap that hard. The same unhealthy behavior but push to extremes gets extreme results. 

3. Normal Girl - Himiko Toga

Himiko did not become the way she is because she was lacking empathy or born with uncontrollable urges for bloodlust, but because of the environment around her that always forced her to repress herself. From the knowledge that her parents would never love her for who she really was. Himiko wasn’t born that way she was a response of what was done to her. 

People who don’t really know Himiko always judge her this way, that she’s incapable of understanding other people, that she has no empathy for others. She’s almost literally labelled and dismissed as a one dimmensional yandere trope by the people surrounding her. 

However, Himiko is in fact always doing the opposite. She’s constantly trying to empathize with others. Her maddened way of talking to both Tsuyu and Uraraka in her character introduction is exactly that, her trying to feel that kind of connection. 

Himiko’s fascination for Uraraka is a desire for empathy and understanding. One that you could say even surpasses some characters on the hero’s side, because she’s willing to try to understand the world’s of people who are nothing like her. Himiko’s next most significant action in the manga is to take Camie’s place and go after the kids. While she does fight against them she’s not overly violent, just curious. Deku even reaffirms some of Himiko’s primary traits. 

Himiko is always talking a lot and trying to explain her way of thinking to other people, because she wants them to understand her. However, because she’s bad at communicating this tends to come off as babble and a lot of people completely dismiss what she says and don’t attempt to listen. 

She expresses two things one a desire to know Deku on a deeper level, immediately asking him very personal, and sometimes very downright invasive question and two she also notices the closeness that Deku and Uraraka have for one another. 

Once again this is a repeating theme for the league. Himiko repeats the same desire that Twice has, to become a person who is trusted in the same way. 

Once again it’s important to remember that Himiko is just the flipped version of a normal girl. If most people hide their bloodlust and show their good sides, Himiko hides her desire to be trusted and to empathize with other people underneath her bloodthirsty urges she shows on the surface. She positions herself as a femme fatalle, but she’s actually just a girl who’s trying to understand why other people are different then her, and why Deku and Uraraka can have a relationship mutually founded on trust when she can’t. 

Himiko’s past was so repressed she never formed real relationships with people. Not only that she assumes that nobody will want the real her, because the moment she flipped and the real her was exposed everybody in her life abandoned her and she had to run away. 

After her brush with Deku and Uraraka we see Himiko start to be trusted by her comrades and a marked transformation takes place in her. 

We see shades of the old Himiko. A selfish girl who only exists to fulfill her whims. However, we’re shown Himiko is capable of empathizing because not only do Shigaraki’s words get through to her. 

Himiko is also for the first time able to reach the emotions of another person. Remember when Himiko tries to explain how she’s feeling, she babbles, and babbles and nobody listens. However that changes and for the first time, not only does Himiko pick up exactly on what’s troubling Twice, she also comforts him the way he needs to be comforted. She tells him that yes it might be his fault that Magne died, but she sees that he’s doing his best to make up for it and she gently encourages him. 

Remember how important this is for Twice. The world has never forgiven Jin for his mistakes. He hit the wrong guy on accident, while obeying the law, and lost both his job and his home. He started stealing to make ends meet, and as a result he lost his mind. When he makes a mistake it always blows up in his face but this time, Himiko notices that she’s panicking and comforts him telling him it’s okay he’s made this mistake and he can still work hard to fix it. 

Not only that but she notices what the problem was with Jin, she was able to notice the symptoms of his psychotic breakdown and rather than dismiss it as just Twice being crazy was able to help him in real tangible ways by wrapping her hanky around him and covering him up like he asked. Uraraka has a very surface level kindness, she’s kind but only by walking around on eggshells with everyone. Himiko is able to see through people, but uses that to comfort people on a deeper level. 

The “Himiko just can’t control herself because of her quirk” narrative is something that Himiko rejects herself. Because that’s not what Himiko wants. Himiko doesn’t want to be special or different from other people. 

Himiko sees herself as normal, and what she desires to be understand and be understood by other people. She doesn’t like Curious’ narrative for her because it made her out to be a freak or someone special when Himiko is trying her best to get others to understand her as a normal girl. Himiko can’t repress herself anymore, she can’t become normal the way her parents taught her too so not permanently broken, and forced to always express herself she’s trying some other way. 

What she wants isn’t to hurt other people, not really though. Those thoughts just turn violence, because Himiko is herself a person who’s endured a lot of violence. Himiko is basically a child that’s been on her own living on the streets and surviving for years, with all the dangers that entails, and also people who can shoot lasers and punch things really hard chasing after her. 

The more she’s isolated and on the run, the more violence she endures, the more violent and unhinged her thoughts become. The more she’s exposed to people who accept her for who she is, the more she’s trusted by those people, the more empathic and sensitive Himiko becomes instead. Himiko’s desire isn’t violence, when she’s pushed to her utter limit she says what she wants is to become a girl like Uraraka who is just loved and trusted by others for who she is. 

And I genuinely believe at the core of Himiko’s character this empathic girl exists. Himiko becoming violent and unrepressed doesn’t mean her empathy disappears. The complexity from Himiko is that she’s both the knife wielding psycho and the normal girl who just wants to have friends at the same time. If behind every normal person there’s a monster lurking is true then the opposite is true as well, behind every monster there’s a normal person. 

This is an idea expressed by Twice again. One of the villains that Hawks dismissed as a bad person, was capable of showing him compassion and gentleness even when he screwed up. Toga was capable of empathy for Twice besides the use he had for others. Toga herself is shown to be capable of more empathy than Hawks, who is one of the most selfless characters in the series, and who is convinced his actions are always done in order to save others.

However we see their treatment of Twice is so drastically different. Hawks treats Twice in a selfish way refusing to listen to what Twice wants, and only ever used Twice as a tool to exploit. Twice himself thinks that now that he’s no longer useful, Himiko won’t be kind to him anymore however we see the opposite. 

Twice admits to Toga that he’s the reason that everyone is in danger right now and he completely failed, and he’s not going to come save them. He admits that he’s useless and Twice himself said Toga wouldn’t be kind to him anymore. However in that moment, Himiko ignores the fact that her life is literally in danger and everything is going to hell around her to comfort Twice one final time and tell him the words he needs to hear.

It’s literally the single most empathic moment of the manga, and it’s in direct contrast to Hawks’ behavior. A hero as devoted to saving other people as Hawks, who genuinely likes Twice as a friend doesn’t show him any empathy at all and even stabs him as the back. A psycho like Toga puts her own feelings aside and notices Twice’s feelings, and gives him comfort and thanks him in his final moment because to her Twice has value as a person beyond what his use is. That Himiko is capable of this kindness, but equally capable of her monstrous actions earlier in the series  is what makes her human. Her kindness doesn’t make her any less mosntrous, and her monstrous qualities don’t make her kindness go away she’s both at once, rather than either or. That’s where the complexity comes in. 

Toga is a very human character precisely because we see her at her most monstrous, and we see that girl slowly relearn how to express the kindness that’s always been inside of her in healthier non-stabby way. A normal girl who learned how to be a monster to protect herself. A monster who is slowly relearning to be a normal girl.