#look at geeky boo

[thechaoticdruid]

🍿Watching movies with Astarion Headcanons!🍿

(Because I literally put this in a chapter of 'This Bites'.)

Astarion's favorite genre would obviously be horror movies.

All the gore and carnage really gets him excited.

He WILL give you a hard time for showing any fear.

"Really darling? After everything we've been through this is what reduces you to a shivering kitten. It's rather embarrassing sweetie."

He'll roll his eyes and pull you into his lap, wrapping his arms around you. "I suppose I'll just have to keep you safe then. You poor sweet pitiful thing."

Of course if the horror movie has clowns anywhere in it he's the one acting like a terrified kitten.

But he won't admit it. "I was NOT afraid. I'm a vampire! I'm far more frightening than some makeup caked fool!"

Refuses to let you comfort him and just sits there, paranoidly looking over his shoulders.

Alien horror movies (especially the weird grotesque slimy alien ones) are also not recommended as they make him very nauseous.

You may end up having to clean blood off the carpet.

Vampire movies annoy him. Too many inaccuracies and some of the tropes don't make sense to him.

Especially the brooding male vampire lead who's so tormented because he has to kill people.

"Oh boo hoo you murdered a bunch of villains. Get over it. Killing is the best part of being a vampire! Fucking poser."

He'll hate watch some of the shitty vampire flicks with you tho

Lives for drama filled flicks. The more chaos the better.

Any comedy movie with meanspirited or immature humor is a win, it'll keep him entertained as long as it's not too stupid.

He doesn't get into nerdy fantasy movies too much. The man literally lives in a medieval fantasy world so he's seen a lot of the Lord of the rings type stuff first hand.

He'll watch them with you at least once tho.

Gets annoyed if you watch a nerdy flick with Gale because the wizard won't shut up about if what is going on in the movie is actually possible/realistic and keeps listing random geeky facts about his favorite films.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP GALE!"

Secretly likes mushy romance movies, but you'll never get him to admit it.

Only openly enjoys them if they have a lot of sex scenes.

Of course he's gonna tease you if you're the type to get embarrassed during those scenes.

Very subtly runs his hand over your thigh without even looking at you.

Has a smug smirk on his face while he does it too.

May or may not be interested in some as the kids say 'netflix and chill'.

Depends on his mood really.

Drinks a little bit of your blood while watching if you offer it to him.

Will ugly cry if a loveable dog or cat dies at the end of the movie.

[aphroditeinthesea]

daughter of dionysus and piper in a random corner of Dio's cabin (bc its always only her, nobody else is there [rip pollux and caster {i think that's their names}]) yapping about anything and everything marvel related (or any other fandom you're in, don't matter)

pls?

“ forgive me peter ”

piper mclean x daughter of dionysus 💋

⚠️ none

a/n i hate how this turned out but to be fair i really don't know anything about marvel

────୨ৎ────

You sat alongside your girlfriend in your mostly empty cabin. Since your lack of siblings left you alone most of the time, she had practically moved into your cabin.

“Who do you think the best spiderman was?” you randomly mentioned, looking up at the girl who had been playing with your hair.

“Toby Maguire,” she replied, simply.

“Really?” You sat up further, “I always thought Andrew Garfield.”

“Youre kidding.”

You shook your head, “no,” you giggled, “I think he had the best vibe.”

“No way,” she looked down at you, “he was like, too cool, Peter Parker’s supposed to be geeky.”

“I don't know,” you shrugged, “and that scene where Gwen died,” you dramatically leaned back onto the bed, letting the mattress bounce a little, messing up the comforter.

“Okay, the movie was good but in the context of Spiderman, I mean,” she laid down next to you, looking over at you.

“Isn't that the point of Spiderman? To always be different or something?”

“Not when he’s Peter Parker,” Piper added, “Peter’s Peter.”

“Well, forgive me Peter.”

“Seriously?”

“My lost fearless leader, in closets like cedar,” you sang. She pressed a quick peck to your lips, “you're funny.”

“Thanks,” you grinned, interlocking your hand with hers. “Your name kinda rhymes with Peter.”

“No, it doesn't?”

“Pi- per, Pe- ter,” you enunciated, “a little.”

“Fine, a little,” she smiled, “but don't call me Peter.”

“I was not.”

“I know you,” she laughed. “You still call Jason, Brick.”

“That’s funnier, though,” you joked, “nothing’s better than how awkward he gets when he walks in and I say I’m bricked up.”

She cackled, “that’s true.”

Like on cue, the door opened.

“Oh wow, I knew I felt something coming,” you spoke.

Jason walked in, “hey, sorry, Leo was looking for Piper.”

“Boo,” she rolled her eyes, getting up.

You sat up at the end of your bed, holding her hands, “I’ll miss you,” you dramatically sighed.

“I’ll be right back,” she giggled, softly kissing your lips, “love you.”

“Love you, too, Peter.”

“I can't believe you.”

[cryptoriascollectiblog]

Commemorative Ghoulia post😭💚❤️

I am so bummed that she’s been benched. I love everything about this G3 version - the green skin is very zombie, and splatter paint and geeky gamer detailing is SO much fun! She’s super cute in the show as well - heck knows I can relate to having anxiety😭 I love her friendship with Lagoona, too. It’s a fun change and they suit each other well.

It makes me sad she’s not popular with kids and even sadder than G1 purists couldn’t look past the changes and give her a chance. Change is different, but different is not bad😐

I really hope she returns as a budget doll or even in a two-pack someday. I need more clothes and accessories for her!

@monsterhigh please don’t take Ghoulia away from us for good! She has a lot of fans in the G3 collector sphere and we need her! She’s part of the boo crew and it doesn’t feel right to leave her out😭

Hashtag campaign to show some Ghoulia love?

[yzeltia]

Year of the OTP 2025 March

Title: What Are You Doing With That - Phone Sex Characters: U'rahn Nuhn, Alphinaud Leveilleur, Jullus pyr Norbanus Rating: Older Teen Summary: Faced with insecurities with his relationship, Alphinaud confides in a Warrior of Light Notes: Thanks to @just-a-geeky-therapist for a beta read.

U'rahn's ears perked as he heard a strange sound scratching from the back room of the Annex. While it wasn't exactly late it was late enough for most to have retired to their private studies or have returned home. As for U'rahn, he had been helping Y'shtola go through some texts and fell asleep mid task, to later be abandoned by her after she'd finished.

Yawning, he got up and wandered out of the solar and into the hall, spotting someone digging around the communal stores where they kept miscellaneous sundries for the members of the Annex. Spotting a familiar white ponytail with blue banding, he chuckled then snuck up behind Alphinaud before giving him a poke at the sides. "Boo!"

"Seven Hells!" Alphinaud cried out, dropping whatever he had in his hand.

U'rhan let out a laugh then bent down to help pick up what had fallen, only to have Alphinaud quickly retrieve it before him. Standing back upright, he crossed his arms then tilted his head. "Whatcha got there Alphi?"

Alphinaud, beet red, clutched a small box to his chest before finding it plucked from his grasp by U'rahn. "I-I wasn't looking for those. They were just in my hands when you startled me."

"…Condoms," U'rahn read, staring at the box quietly.

"Surely you know what-" Alphinaud started.

"I know what they are! Do you know what they are?" U'rahn asked, tail thrashing behind him.

"Of course! "

Alphinaud and U'rahn stared at each other for a moment before the latter's ears and tail perked. "Oh! You and Jullus are-"

"Shush you clown! Before someone hears you," Alphinaud huffed, putting his hand over the other's mouth as he looked around. "Let's talk about this somewhere else."

Alphinaud knew well U'rahn was going to make a fuss otherwise, and the less people who heard, the better. They wandered outside together and up a path until finding a bench out of the way. Taking a deep breath, he sat up straight to explain.

"You…are not wholly incorrect in your appraisal of my situation. I was getting the condoms for Jullus and myself; however, we have not reached that point as I have been reluctant to move forward beyond fervent exchanges of kisses," Alphinaud explained, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "I…I am afraid."

U'rahn frowned, patting Alphinaud on the back gently. "Hey hey," he cooed. "I was afraid my first time and I was a little older than you were when I found my someone. It helped to talk to my friends. And my pops."

"My father? I could never. Not that he disproves of our relationship. I just don't think he's ready to think about me or Alisaie grown up. And then I don't think he'd have the right information for me as my mother said she was his one and only," Alphinaud sighed.

"Wait. So you've never had the talk," U'rahn asked surprised.

Alphinaud started down at his boots, ears red. "Of course I have! I was given the basic understanding from my father and once as a misguided gesture from Estinien. The assumption though was for a bit more hetero-normative relationship."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you might encounter some minor differences there," U'rahn said with a little nod. "Do you want to talk about it with me? Y'know, Nuhn to man. I've got Nuhnly wisdom now. Would be good practice in case one day U'rahn Tia or the girls have a question. And, well, I'm going to guess it's just not knowing what to do as uh…there are plenty of other things to get up to when properly motivated and I imagine when you knew you wanted to do stuff with Jullus you went straight to books to answer all your yearning questions."

Alphinaud sat up, grimacing that he was about to be the guinea pig for U'rahn's parenting of his daughters and mammet son. Still, U'rahn did have experience and, of all the people he could think of, would most likely be the kindest and most understanding. Not to mention U'rahn had touched upon what he'd really been hiding.

"As always you are surprisingly insightful," Alphinaud lamented before looking at U'rahn. "I am just afraid. I have yet to hit my final growth spurt to reflect my adulthood. Elezen tend to have delayed physical expression if you did not know. Anyroad, I am worried Jullus will be unhappy with me."

U'rahn closed his eyes, reflecting on what he'd say before smiling at Alphinaud. "So you're worried about your size? That's something a lot of guys worry about but I'm going to tell you it doesn't matter at all when you're with someone who loves you. I mean, I always sorta thought I was a little guy cause I grew up around a lot of Roegadyn but then when I was around other Miqo'te I found out I was actually rather big.

"Big or small though, it didn't matter at all when it came down to it cause the people I was with cared about me and it we made it special. It was about being super in love any making each other feel amazing. So, if you know Jullus loves you, then don't worry about it."

Alphinaud held himself, looking down as he sat in a furious shade of red. "It is two fold. What if…when I do finally finish changing he's no longer attracted to me? I was shorter than him when we met and now I am already eye level. What if I outgrow him?"

U'rahn crossed his arms, tail twitching as he tapped his foot as he thought again. "Well, like I said. If he loves you then that sort of thing won't matter," he said before putting a hand on Alphinaud's shoulder. "Have you talked to Jullus about this? When I'm feeling bad about myself or worried about something I've done I just talk it through with Nyx or Erenville and I almost always feel better. 'Cause what's the point of having someones that you're supposed to share every thing with if you're not gonna share everything with them?"

Blinking, Alphinaud looked up at U'rahn, finding himself in somewhat in awe that he was able to make him feel better about his deepest insecurities. Perhaps not better in full, but at lest provide an answer for assuaging them the rest of the way. "You're right, Rahn. I am fretting about what he thinks when I could trust him to tell me himself. As I…trust he feels the same way about me that I do him."

With a smile, U'rahn patted Alphinaud's head. "Well, then, what are you waiting for? Go tell him what's on your mind."

Alphinaud nodded then stood up, brushing U'rahn's hand aside as he pocketed the box of condoms. "I think I will," he said, starting down the path toward his home before pausing to look back at his friend. "That was good advice. You're a good friend…and are already a great dad," he said, watching U'rahn's eyes grow wide and start to water out of gratitude.

He smiled before returning on his mission home. Once at the Leveilleur Estate, he hurried upstairs and into his room, taking care to leave his boots by his bedroom door before undressing for bed. Retrieving his tomestone, he laid on his back then took a deep breath before placing his call to Jullus.

After a few beeps, Jullus's voice sounded out from the other end, "Alphinaud? Is that you?"

"Yeah," Alphinaud responded as he slid under his covers and rolled onto his back.

"Good. I'm still getting used to this strange device. Are you okay? Do you need me to come to you," Jullus asked.

"No. Not that I wouldn't mind you here; however, I think it is best that we temper our late night visits until I feel mother has forgiven us for breaking her rules," Alphinaud said before taking a deep breath.

"Oh. So you just wanted to hear my voice," Jullus teased softly.

"Yeah. I did," Alphinaud admitted, listening as Jullus shuffled around on the other end. "Did I wake you?"

"Nah. I couldn't sleep. I'd probably sleep better if we were together," Jullus said before letting out a hearty yawn. "I'm guessing you're in bed about now too? What are you wearing?"

Alphinaud blushed at the question. "I am, well,…dressed for bed."

"Yeah? How," Jullus asked amused.

"What I wear normally. My shirt, socks, and smalls," Alphinaud responded, wondering why Jullus would think it would be anything different.

Jullus laughed on the other end. "You're not getting this."

"Getting what?" Alphinaud huffed, increasingly flustered.

"I wanted you to paint me a picture…something sexy. Like for instance, I'm just here in my tight navy briefs. The ones you always say lack any sense of modesty with how much they show off," Jullus said, voice sultry and low.

Alphinaud went crimson, Jullus painting a vivid mental picture for him. Rolling over, he buried his face into his pillow briefly, body reacting as Jullus probably intended. Working up courage, he rolled on his side with his tomestone against his ear. "Jullus…I am sorry that I've been reluctant to indulge your…needs."

Jullus let out a groan, unintentionally sounding annoyed. "Alphi…"

"I want to. Very badly. Even now I'm excited to think that you're aroused on the other end," Alphinaud continued. "Yet, I am worried that when it comes time you will only see me as everyone else, a man yet grown…And, if you like me as I am, you will not like me when I finally grow taller than you and develop in full."

Alphinaud's heart raced, met with silence from Jullus on the other end. After what seemed like an eternity, he heard his boyfriend let out a light laugh. "Alphinaud, there have been many nights when I've gone to bed frustrated beyond belief or have had to sneak off to take care of myself. I don't mind waiting until you're ready, but if you've been holding off because you're worried about your modesty…You do realise I can feel you when you are pressed against me, right? I've got a good idea of what you look like undressed."

"I-I had not given that thought," Alphinaud admitted, curling up in his blankets.

"And yeah, I realised you're going to tower over me someday. I've met your parents and have a good idea of where you'll end up. Sure, I'll be a little disappointed when you can't walk around wearing one of my shirts of jackets…but on the other hand, that means I'll be able to walk around in yours," Jullus continued. "Does that ease your ever working mind?"

Alphinaud laid there, blushing furiously. "It does. Immensely. Thank you, Jullus," he said, smiling softly to himself.

"Hey. Alphinaud," Jullus sounded out over the tomestone.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Alphinaud let the tomestone slip from his hand before scrambling to get it back in his grasp. He felt like his heart might beat out of his chest. "I love you too," he answered back.

Jullus let out an exhale, then shuffled about on his end. "Well, I imagine you're over there embarrassed and deconstructing the meaning of what we just said and how it will affect everything. Shall I let you try and sleep?"

Alphinaud let out a small whine, about to let his mind do just that before being called out on it. Finding himself missing Jullus's presence in the wake of them saying how they felt aloud, he turned on his speaker then laid his tomestone on his other pillow. "Actually, would you just leave your tomestone on? So we can fall asleep together…"

"Uh. Alright…let me figure out how to get it to do that," Jullus said from the other end, shuffling about. "There…Well, goodnight."

Settling in himself, Alphinaud closed his eyes, trying to calm down. "…Come tomorrow. If you are not busy. Or I'll come there."

"Alright Alphi…Get some rest," Jullus cooed.

"I'll try…I love you…," Alphinaud said, trying it out again.

"I love you too."

[residences-of-the-darkforest]

Dark Forest Residences: Aphidsong & Charhoot [PART 2]

PART 1

Aphidsong

Aliases / Nicknames: several unspecified insults (by Charhoot)

Gender: she-cat

Sexuality: omnisexual

Family: Misha (mother), unnamed biological father, Dogleaf (adoptive father), Larchtail (brother), Sunheart, Poppybird (half-sisters), Stoatbug (half-brother), Creeklight (mate, formerly)

Other Relations: Blossompool (mentor), Tansypaw (apprentice), Charhoot (best friend + pretend mate)

Clan: WindClan (formerly), ThunderClan (formerly), none

Rank: rogue (previously WindClan warrior, previously ThunderClan warrior)

Characteristics: easily excitable, people(cat)-pleaser, hyper, adventurous (all pre-injury), prone to nightmares, has severe PTSD, struggles to find joy in life, increasing rage (all post-injury)

Murder Motive: achieve a better life for all

Number of Victims: 79 (in death) [121 total]

Number of Murders: 76 (in death) [102 total]

Murder Method [after death]: luring into the Dark Forest, manipulating other cats

Known Victims [after death]: various cats from every Clan

Victim Profile [after death]: medicine cats, toms, leaders, various Clan cats

Cause of Death: poisoned

Cautionary Tale: Do not trust the cats in your dreams. It is not safe to sleep.

----

Charhoot

Aliases / Nicknames: Hon, Hoots, Char, Love, Dear, Sweetie, several unspecified insults (by Aphidsong)

Gender: tom

Sexuality: homosexual

Family: unnamed biological mother, unnamed biological father, Sprigbirch (adoptive mother), Adderstripe (adoptive father), Mitecloud, Flecktooth (adoptive brothers), Mustache, Ferret (mates)

Other Relations: Billowweed (mentor), Marsh, Cone, Rubble, Max III, Boo, Marbles, Fliss, Toby, Rebel, Slink [Slinky Malinky], Shebee (flings/situationships), Aphidsong (best friend + pretend mate)

Clan: WindClan (formerly), none, StarClan (formerly)

Rank: barn cat (previously WindClan warrior, previously travelling loner)

Characteristics: somehow incredibly geeky and incredibly cool at the same time, loves sharp things, overconfident in his own abilities, wants to do what's best for all

Murder Motive: achieve a better life for all

Number of Victims: 79

Number of Murders: 76

Murder Method: luring into the Dark Forest, manipulating

Known Victims: Creeklight, Grovefern, various cats from every Clan

Victim Profile: medicine cats, toms, leaders, various Clan cats

Cause of Death: prolonged inversion (blood pooling in the brain)

Cautionary Tale: Do not trust the cats in your dreams. It is not safe to sleep. Not every cat of the Stars is a cat with good intentions.

Story: 

When Charhoot hoped to see his friend again, he had never imagined it would be like this.

He had refused to believe that someone as loving as Aphidsong could end up in the Dark Forest. Even when he was still alive and attempted to meet her, only to be driven off by furious Clan cats who told him his 'mate' was a traitor and a murderer, he hadn't believed it--he had thought it was a strange joke, or more likely a lie told to keep him away.

But then he got to StarClan and the 'lie' wouldn't stop, cats kept saying it, kept telling him how Aphidsong had tried to kill all of ThunderClan.

Surely it was a mistake? He couldn't imagine Aphidsong doing anything so heinous, definitely not deliberately.

He had to see for himself.

He snuck through the border, and though terror instantly gripped his heart at the new, much darker, much more dangerous environment, he pushed on until he finally found her.

When he did....when he saw her face...He couldn't help but gasp, then instantly apologized for it, then profusely apologized for ever leaving her, for letting her go to ThunderClan, for not doing enough to check on her and make sure that she was alright.

He was a babbling mess that only got worse the longer he looked at her and took in the details of her features. Not just of her scars--deep and red and horrible--but of the bags under her good eye, the lack of the usual spark in it, the frown so deep as if it had been dragging down her face for ages, the foamy drool along her lips--evidence of what had killed her.

In those moments, he completely forgot about the Dark Forest and about any crime Aphidsong was accused of committing. He hadn't even noticed her pink pupil at first glance.

For a long time, the friends held each other with a grip so tight it almost broke skin, as if they both thought that if they let go, they would never see the other again.

It had been moons...maybe years? since someone was kind to Aphidsong, since she saw her best friend. So many moons of being the focus of glares and spits and insults, so many moons of lying injured with no one caring, so many moons of pain and grief and agony, with no one offering any support or comfort. Then she got to the Place of No Stars and expected that to be her life forever, forever being cold and alone and miserable and just waiting to fade, and now here was Charhoot, her best friend, by her side once more and holding her close. Aphidsong couldn't prevent the flow of tears as she sobbed into his fur.

She was so exhausted and drained, she couldn't stop herself from falling asleep against him. Charhoot let her, deciding that questions, once he remembered to ask them, could wait.

Awake, Aphidsong's good eye was wide as she desperately explained that she just wanted to make them suffer for what they did to her, told him how Creeklight had tried to kill her, how no one believed her and everyone hated her, how Tansypaw died and no one cared, how no one would care if she died, how she just wanted to make them hurt so badly for it all.

It was a nonstop flow of urgent reasoning, spoken too quickly and too wretchedly for Charhoot to properly understand most of what she was saying. But the desperation itself and the anguish on her face was clear enough for Charhoot to understand her suffering.

He didn't want to leave her, but he promised to help her. After he stayed a little bit longer when she had begged him to, he left for StarClan and returned shortly after with a wagtail and fresh moss.

That would become their routine for the next moon. He would bring her herbs, food, bedding, moss soaked in fresh water, and anything else she needed. Then, he would spend as much time with her as he could. Sometimes they would talk about the good old days, Charhoot's adventures, or just something nice to distract them both from the situation that they were in. Other times, they would discuss what happened to Aphidsong.

As more time passed and Aphidsong calmed enough to tell the story coherently, Charhoot became furious.

Not at her, but at those vile cats who dare walk in StarClan.

Creeklight had tried to murder her! He permanently scarred her, in more ways than one! She rarely slept, only comfortable to do so when he was with her, and even then she would kick and flinch and cry, and he couldn't do anything but watch her suffer.

Creeklight didn't deserve an eternity in paradise. If the rest of StarClan couldn't see that, then he would drag that bastard to the Dark Forest himself.

In reality, there was no kicking and screaming. Charhoot had lied instead, telling Creeklight to come with him and that it was urgent. He hadn't told him what was going on until they got to the border and Charhoot told him that a kit had gone through and needed help, that he went to get back-up just in case and Creeklight was surely strong enough to help.

Once they were both through and no one in StarClan would see nor stop him, Charhoot lunged. He tore at Creeklight rapidly, clawing his face and chest, and biting at his forelegs when Creeklight tried to use them to push him off.

It was not a fight. It was an outright beating. Charhoot's vision was completely red as blind rage overtook his thoughts. It wasn't until Creeklight gave one final hard shove, throwing Charhoot off of him, that the attack seized.

Creeklight scrambled to his paws, more red than silver, glaring at Charhoot with one eye closed as blood dripped over it.

Before either cat's breathing could fully calm, a gasp made Charhoot turn.

Aphidsong was here.

She had gasped when she saw Creeklight, terror in her eye that immediately turned into rage as she lunged at him. The two became engaged in a sudden flurry of tooth and claw. Aphidsong wanted to tear that mouse-dung eating fox-heart apart, but he was faster, and much healthier from the last time she had killed him.

While Charhoot's beating had done a number on him, her friend had the advantage of surprise. Now, Creeklight was prepared for an attack, adrenaline keeping him going.

Charhoot didn't know what to do, rooted to the ground. Truthfully, he hadn't thought this far. He wanted to drag the fox-heart to the Dark Forest where he belongs, and he wanted to beat him up until he couldn't stand. Now, he had done that--done both, and wasn't sure what the next step was.

He worried for Aphidsong's safety as he watched her fight more viciously than he had ever seen her, but his mind had become fog. He was in a state between blind rage and careful, logical thinking. The red clouds had dissipated, but cautious reasoning had yet to return, leaving his mind blank and confused and unsure for these next few critical moments.

Then Creeklight threw Aphidsong to the ground, rearing with his claws aiming for her throat, and Charhoot sprang forward on instinct, biting into his tail and yanking him so hard back, his stomach hit the ground with a thud and the breath was knocked out of him.

Before anyone could blink, Aphidsong was back on her paws, swinging her claws out and tearing Creeklight's throat open.

To say that Charhoot was stunned would be an understatement. He had only meant for the silver tom to be exiled here, he never considered that he would die a second time, at least not so quickly and not in front of him. And he had lead him here, had tricked him and held him down as Aphidsong killed him.

Aphidsong was panting, staring at where Creeklight's body had been. When she finally spoke, all she could say was that he couldn't hurt her anymore, a sentiment she repeated over and over in an attempt to soothe herself.

Charhoot looked at her. She was shaking, claws still out and gripping the ground beneath her, fur lifted all along her spine. She looked terrified. Had seeing Creeklight again reawakened her earlier trauma? He had hurt her so badly. His own eyes drifted back to where Creeklight had faded, nothing but bone and liquid ooze left of him, and for the first time, he felt a flicker of dark satisfaction.

Over the next several moons, he would tell himself that it was deserved, that it was right, that Aphidsong was safe.

A deeper analysis wouldn't be needed to consider the fact that he only told himself these things to prevent him from spiraling and falling into a pit of guilt. Reasoning being that he couldn't feel guilt if he believed that he did the right thing, and the more he told himself that, the more he sincerely believed it.

Charhoot and Aphidsong silently agreed not to speak of it. Though Charhoot attempted to keep most thoughts of Creeklight out of his mind, he couldn't ignore that the more he visited his friend, the more he saw how much happier she seemed. Her smiles had yet to return as commonly as they did when they wee young, still not quite reaching her eyes, but her frown wasn't as deep, and the bags under her eye were a little less dark.

She would still talk about the horrible things she had gone through because even after all this time she still needed someone to hear her, but she also talked more and more about the good things. Tansypaw was one of them--perhaps the only one--but Aphidsong's fond stories of the sensitive, kind apprentice took a solemn turn when she explained how she had died, and how no one truly mourned her.

Charhoot hadn't really thought of it before then, but now that he had, he couldn't unsee it, couldn't ignore how many cats in StarClan were dead before they had even received their full names, or how many never got the opportunity to so much as begin training.

Tansypaw was only one case of countless young cats. Cats that, now that Charhoot's eyes were open, he couldn't stop seeing. They were everywhere, young dead kits all over StarClan, surrounded by family and warriors that smiled and laughed as if it wasn't the worst thing in the world, as if it was all okay.

Though he didn't want to upset them, he asked them--or the family around them, if there were any--how they had died. Rarely did he find someone who was killed by methods unrelated to the life of a Clan cat.

Slain in battle against another Clan or a large predator was most common, followed by training accidents.

It wasn't just the young cats, either. So many warriors lost their lives early fighting useless wars, wars that they still believed in even after it had killed them.

Aphidsong had noticed it, too. Though not a quick adjustment, she felt safer to leave her shelter after Creeklight was killed a second time. The further she walked, the more young cats she counted, their lives cut short so early only to be exiled here for committing crimes or breaking rules some of them were too young to even understand.

She was disgusted at it all. She was disgusted at StarClan, at all the Clans, at the code, at everything that said that it was okay for kits to die, for kits to suffer the same damnation fitting for an adult tyrant.

What made it worse was how the Clans held themselves in such high regard, beating and mocking any loner, kittypet, or Half-Clan cat unlucky enough to cross their path. They laughed at a house cat's softness while they threw their kits into wars, and still they believed they were better.

As the friends spoke about the predicament of cats on either side of the border, they came to an undeniable conclusion:

Clan life must be put to an end.

There was simply too much suffering to entertain any other possibilities. As someone who had lived as a loner and who had traveled and met many non-Clan cats, Charhoot knew first-hand that it wasn't how life was for everyone.

Only in the Clans was death so common.

Only in the Clans were cats bullied and mistreated for being born differently.

Only in the Clans were rules put in place just to punish those that broke them.

Only in the Clans could someone die and not be honoured solely because their blood was different.

Only in the Clans could someone endure so much agony and be told that it was right.

There was no maniacal laughter, no pleasure taken as the friends' realization became a plan. No smiles marked their faces as they discussed what to do. It was only serious, somber, something that had to be done for the greater good, for the sake of everyone in the long run, not an action taken in vengeance or to satisfy a bloodlust.

They took a long time to plan before initiating the first step, as they both wanted to make sure that they did it right. Any mistake or miscalculated action could ruin everything, meaning that all lives lost due to their deeds--before their vision could come to be--would be for nothing.

The hypocrisy of causing deaths wasn't lost on the pair. Aphidsong didn't want to kill anyone, Charhoot even less so, but they saw no other way.

They reasoned that no matter how many cats they wound up killing, indirectly or directly, it would be far lesser than the amount of cats whose lives would be cut short in the long run if the Clans continued to exist.

And the only reason that they were killing at all is because if no lives are lost, then things might as well stay the same.

So they went after the medicine cats first.

It was easy, at least on the outside. With every second and every step, Charhoot had to force himself not to back out. He greeted them the same way any StarClan cat would greet their medicine cat, before leading them further and further into trees that grew darker and darker.

They always got scared, Charhoot noticed it every time. He noticed their raised fur and darting gaze, and could hear the quiver in their voice as they asked him where he was leading them.

Some part of him always wished that they would turn around, make a run for it and never come back. But he was a StarClan cat, a cat of the stars, their guide and protector, and so they always followed him to the end.

That was when Aphidsong would come out from behind, dealing a hopefully quick and fatal blow.

That was the agreement they came to, splitting the guilt between the two so that neither of them could be blamed more than the other, and so that neither would feel more responsibility. Charhoot lead the cats to their deaths, and so Aphidsong was the one to kill them.

One by one, the medicine cats went. At first, their questions for Charhoot were nothing more than "who are you?" "where are we going?" and unimportant remarks of a similar caliber. But as five became four became three and less, they asked him harder things to answer.

"What is going on?"

"What is happening to our healers?"

"Do you know how to stop it?"

At first, he attempted silence, but that only worked for one cat, following him and begging him for answers all the way into the dark.

But the remaining two wouldn't follow without an explanation, and so Charhoot had to lie. He told them that he knew what was going on but that they had to be careful, how there were corrupt cats in StarClan and that he came to them to warn them.

His least favourite was Grovefern, the only one to catch on the moment they exited the starry fields and entered the Dark Forest. He hated running after him, hated having to pin him to the ground, hated having to bite out his throat.

As much as he, as well as Aphidsong, hated every moment of every death, they continued forth, too deep into it now to back out.

Having no medicine cats would weaken the Clans, but it was only a matter of time before they found replacements.

It was time for the next step.

The Clans needed a future, and without kits they had none.

Neither Charhoot nor Aphidsong was going to hurt, let alone kill, helpless kits. What they could do was prevent new kits from being born at all by targeting toms. They reasoned that there were less toms in the Clans than she-cats, so their bodies would be a shorter count. Too, toms can have multiple litters quickly while she-cats could only have one litter every six moons, more or less. It was only the most logical course of action.

They didn't dismiss the possibility that she-cats could find loners or kittypets or other non-Clan toms to recruit into Clan life and rebuild.

They wanted Clan life to end entirely, for any remaining members to disperse and live freely, but they knew that even if they failed, even if Clan life continued, if loners and other non-Clanborn cats were relied so heavily on keeping the Clans alive, then all prejudice must surely end.

That was more Charhoot's thinking than Aphidsong's. He could see an end where they won, regardless of if Clan life was destroyed, could imagine a future where the Clans survived and all prejudice and abuse against cats of other backgrounds did not. Perhaps he could even see a future where the Clans changed, a future where a tom like him could be free and accepted for who he was without having to leave his home.

Aphidsong, however, could not untangle the two. She felt with every bone in her body that if the Clans survived, so did their ideals, so did their thoughts, so did their self-importance and their xenophobia, and most of all, so did the pain of everyone else. In her eyes, it was only a matter of time before the Clans forgot their history and just went right back to hating everything that didn't fit into their short worldview.

Slowly, a strain built between the two. They continued to work together towards their goal, but the closer they got to it--the more cats that died, the more Charhoot's resolve thawed away. His thoughts of what the future could be brought him hope, which meant that the closer they got to the future Aphidsong wanted, the more he felt dread that his utopian future could never be.

During this time, one medicine cat survived. Burnpaw was ThunderClan's medicine cat healer, and was able to avoid being killed because Charhoot didn't want the young tom to die, and though he wanted to believe that Aphidsong would agree, he decided to keep Burnpaw's existence a secret from her just in case.

When Burnpaw slept, he heard whisperings. StarClan was not yet aware that one of their own was working against them. However, they did figure out that the medicine cats have been lured somewhere by someone while they slept. So, they warned him.

"Do not follow. They lie."

"They want to destroy you."

"You are not safe in your dreams."

Burnpaw couldn't be sure if the messages were solely for him or if he were to pass it along to everyone, so he did the latter. The Clans, of course, were beyond worried and confused. Who do they not follow? Who wants to destroy them? Who is lying? Who is killing them in their dreams?

As the only healer and only cat speaking with StarClan, Burnpaw was immediately pushed into a lot of pressure. Every Clan demanded his help with herbs, every cat demanded his answers for endless questions and worries he couldn't calm.

Wolfpaw was one of the cats to come to him, meeting him on the border and begging for him to make sense of all of this. That was when Burnpaw saw it--a wolf, and darkness, then a light so powerful it could have blinded him. He knew then that Wolfpaw was the key to stopping it, but he didn't know how yet.

They had to work fast, because the strange spirits were working faster. In less than a moon, all medicine cats from every Clan was dead aside from the one that was still in training.

Aphidsong, her distinguishable features disguised by a coat of moss, went to the leaders of SkyClan, RiverClan, and WindClan, while Charhoot, also disguised, spoke with those of ThunderClan and ShadowClan. They both convinced the leaders of each Clan that the other Clans were planning on attacking, and they came to warn them. The stories changed somewhat with every leader, some having more questions and others eager to defend their Clan, but the result was the same for all of them: they would go to war.

Owlstar, leader of WindClan, attacked ThunderClan. RiverClan attacked WindClan, while ShadowClan and SkyClan went to ambush the other's camp at the same time, and the two patrols met and battled.

Aphidsong and Charhoot knew that the fighting would not last forever, and that it would not be enough to end the Clans. It was merely a way to get some more bodies to fall. More than that, it was a distraction.

With all the Clans fighting and everyone's thoughts on war, no communication was going on to find out what was really happening, and that gave them more time to work.

Burnpaw--named Burntiger early, in honour of his mentor--tried to remind everyone of the prophecy, but because he had rushed to defend Wolfpaw, an enemy cat, during one battle, his Clanmates accused him of just wanting to protect her and of being a future Clan-swapper.

Why was Burntiger the only one to live? Why was he the only one to be warned? He must have been a liar, no one was killing them in their sleep. It was the other Clans' doing.

The leaders believed this most strongly. After all, they couldn't know for certain that what Burntiger saw was true, but they could believe themselves--and they knew for certain that they met with a StarClan cat and was told by them that it was the other Clans that were dangerous. Why would they believe anything else?

During the wars, Aphidsong and Charhoot snuck into the dreams of toms. Killed in the Dark Forest in the middle of the night, their Clanmates would wake to find no body, only an empty nest.

More accusations flew. RiverClan accused WindClan and ShadowClan of stealing their warriors and keeping them prisoner to get them to surrender. The other Clans accused their own neighbors of the same thing.

Though there were many fired up with the heat of battle, rage, and propelled by the need to protect their Clan, there were cats that doubted if what was happening was right. They were determined to find out where their missing kin had gone, and worked together behind their leaders' backs to do so.

The more cats they killed, the more Charhoot's paws weighed him down, as if physically affected by the increasing blood that stained them. He just wanted this to to be over, but it felt like the end of this carnage would never come.

When one tom, Woodtail, begged for his life, saying that he had a pregnant mate and needed to be there, he couldn't do it. He had tried to get Woodtail to wake up quickly.

Aphidsong arrived before he could, slicing his throat just as he was beginning to fade back to the living world.

That was when things really boiled over for the two. Charhoot shouted at Aphidsong, calling her a monster. She responded by accusing him of being a betrayer, that he was the monster for letting all this pain go on while she's trying to put an end to it. He argued that cats were suffering because of her. She lashed out in anger, slicing his nose as she screamed that she was doing this for everyone.

Rage fully built-up, Charhoot lunged at her, and the two engaged in a whirl-wind of tooth-and claw. It was vicious, but not a fight of hate. It ended when Aphidsong slammed Charhoot to the ground, nearly impaling his head on a sharp stone that jutted out of the earth. Alarmed at how close she had come to accidentally killing him, Aphidsong quickly got off and backed away, and for a long moment the two stared at each other, panting for breath.

Under normal circumstances, Charhoot would want to stay and talk it out. Now, however, his feelings were running high, jumbled and confusing and overwhelming. So instead, he took off back to StarClan.

He had forgotten about the scratches that now marked his features, enough so that blood dripped down from a few on his side.

Cats pointed them out.

Questions were raised.

Where had he gone? Where did he go whenever cats couldn't find him? It wasn't unusual to have trouble finding someone, StarClan was huge and held no borders, after all, but with everything going in, with the scratches and blood and obvious panic on Charhoot's face as he was still too overwhelmed to fully comprehend what was even happening, it didn't take long before Charhoot was chased back to the Dark Forest with more blood spilling to his feet.

He was heartbroken. His wounds stung. The images of his family and friends in StarClan looking at him with so much horror burned into his mind. Their voiced echoed in his ears, asking him what he had done, why he had done this, that it was a mistake, right? He would never be so evil!

Evil...Was that what he was?

He must be. He watched his blood flow down to his paws and stared at it, remembering every single cat that he had killed with these paws, remembering all the blood that coated his claws. Yes, he was evil. He was a monster. He was a murderer.

And he was furious.

He could have had a peaceful afterlife, he could have spent the rest of his days in bliss, sharing laughs with friends and fallen kin. He should have never listened to Aphidsong. He should have never killed anyone.

When he saw her again, he confronted her, snarling that his exile was her fault, that she turned him into a murderer. Aphidsong, though shocked at his predicament, fired back that it was Charhoot's decision as much as hers to destroy the Clans. It was a goal they created together, a plan they followed together. She wasn't to blame just because he didn't expect any consequences, and she damn well wasn't going to take the fall just because he couldn't handle his own guilt.

After a few moments, Aphidsong told him that they've come so far. It shouldn't be long now. Will he help her or not?

Charhoot told her that he will never hurt another cat again, before walking off and leaving her in the dark.

Aphidsong tried to work alone, but without Charhoot to help her, it was harder and more time-consuming.

When she held the grey-brown cat down, she thought it would be an easy win, but just as she was about to deliver a swift, killing bite, more cats sprang from the trees, lead by a golden tabby tom and a speckled dark grey she-cat.

The she-cat rushed to shield the grey-brown warrior, while the others surrounded Aphidsong.

Aphidsong swung around. Her eyes were no use, their bodies blurring together, and they all smelt the same. She could only rely on her hearing, which was filled with growling and spits from all directions. She tried to fend them off, tried to escape, but they held her down before she could move a whisker.

With her head pinned to the ground, her attention was forced on the cat before her, the golden tom. He told her that it was over, that no one would be hurt again because of her. He asked her why she did it, and she growled that Clan life had to end, that it was for the better. The golden tom and his companions didn't seem moved.

When Burntiger told her that they were going to beat her so hard, she would never dare threaten the Clans again, cats argued. They didn't want to just beat her up so that she could return to haunt their dreams and kill more of their loved ones.

They wanted her dead--for good.

Burntiger was hesitant, but eventually dipped his head.

Aphidsong's heart race, blood drumming in her ears so that she could only hear the beating of her heart along with her own rapid breathing as teeth were pressed against her throat.

Was this it?

Was it all for nothing?

The irony wasn't lost on her. She knew that, even if she had a good cause, cats died because of her, were killed by her. She had sunk her teeth into their throats, and now fangs were being buried into her own. It was justice, wasn't it? Or at least it was karma.

But that didn't mean she wasn't terrified. She closed her remaining eye and willed it to be fast.

Then the teeth were gone and yowls split the air once more. The weight was gone. Aphidsong opened her eyes, confused for a moment before she heard Charhoot's voice and realized what was happening.

Immediately, she shoved what cats remained around her away and hurried to his side. The two stood together, back-to-back, glaring at the living cats around them. Charhoot told them that the next cat to lay a claw on Aphidsong loses their life. Aphidsong gave a similar sentiment about him.

They put up a good fight, even outnumbered, swinging and whirling and clawing and biting until at last they were defeated, both held to the ground this time.

Burntiger told them that this was over. Their reign of terror, of haunting dreams, was at its end.

Aphidsong, crazed, rejected that, shouting how they had to keep going, how cats were going to suffer if things didn't end, how if cats didn't die now, more would die later in more painful ways. More cats would grow up to be bullied for being different, non-Clanners would be attacked for a differing lifestyle, cats would be mocked and othered for the crime of loving.

Her ranting only stopped when Charhoot's own shout cut her off. He begged her to stop, to stop everything. He told her, voice quivering, that there was nothing they could do anymore. He asked her if they hadn't suffered enough and told her to look at all this had done to her, to them. He asked if they could just go back to whatever normal they had left before they both faded to nothing.

Aphidsong hesitated, before finally agreeing.

Convinced this time that they wouldn't harm the Clans again, Burntiger gave the order to let them go.

Cats argued against this, again, and in the confusion one dark tom tackled Charhoot, claiming that he didn't get to go free, and shoved him into the depths of the Fool's Puddles.

Aphidsong leapt in after him, darkness surrounding her on all sides. But she was used to darkness now. Soon she couldn't breathe, but she kept pushing, refusing to come up for air before she could find Charhoot and drag him up with her. She would rather drown than go up without him.

At last, her paws brushed against fur and she gripped him tightly--a mirror to the time they had reunited long ago, holding each other--and burst through the surface with him.

The living cats were gone, likely convinced the two of them had drowned.

Aphidsong wished she could have torn that damned tom apart for what he tried to do! But then she looked at Charhoot, coughing and spluttering next to her, and decided that he was right. No more bloodshed. It was over.

The Clans would live--or maybe they would die someday. It wasn't their problem anymore. It hadn't been for a long time.

They laid together, soaked and muddy, and looked at each other, too tired to lift their heads from the ground. Charhoot thanked her for not letting him drown. Aphidsong thanked him for not letting some cat bite her throat out. "Anytime," he responded, and they laughed breathlessly before needing to cough again.

Maybe more cats would suffer. The thought broke Aphidsong's heart. But it was time she moved on. She couldn't keep holding this anger, she couldn't keep putting her safety on the line to make up for moons of anguish and misery.

It was time she looked to the future--not of the Clans, but of herself. There was so much of the Dark Forest she hadn't explored yet, so much to discover, even if it did come with muck and rot.

She hated that her friend had been exiled, but she couldn't wish for a better companion to be by her side.

Meanwhile, Charhoot shared the exact same thoughts, grateful to have someone to share the burden with. So long as he had Aphidsong by his side, he might as well still be in StarClan.

Whatever came next, they would face it together.

Additional Information:

--Sunk-cost fallacy is a bitch!

--Burntiger's full name suggested by @starfalcon555

--Aphid and Char's argument may seem short lived, but remember this entire story takes place, if it were canon, over six books (or at least the last five). Likely the 'a StarClan cat has been working with the antagonist this whole time!' reveal would have come at the end of book 5, followed by their argument in book 6's prologue or something, and then Char would come to the rescue at the end when they are defeated. Also this was really long and I had to make it quick.

--Since this is based off of the previous series, I also of course had to show the Clan cats being stupid and arguing instead of finding a logical solution right away.

--By the time they are defeated, Wolf has gotten her warrior name! She was the bait, while Storm was the one to shield her. The other cats were the ones who weren't convinced the other Clans were holding prisoners, and together with Storm, Wolf, and Burn, they found out how to defeat them. Burn was the leader of it, because protagonist and being important, while Storm and Wolf also had important roles. What were those roles exactly? Idk. My focus was on the baddies.

--It's hard to see on his ref, but Char does have the white StarClan-ring around his eyes!

--I do realize that having the StarClan cat be the more vehement one while the Dark Forest cat is the one pleading with them to stop is so so interesting, unfortunately I thought this too late. Rip.

--They do discuss things more and apologize verbally.

--Their pupils started out pink but turned darker and redder with more cats they killed, hence why Aphidsong's is called pink but appears red on her refsheet. She also has white clouding on her eye due to cataracts which might also make it appear lighter than it is.

--Their living refs are on PART 1!

--BASES:

Charhoot's base is by @/Splasharooni here!

Aphidsong's base is by AlaskanCat on DeviantArt

[the-weirdos-mind]

And More OCs

Name: Thurio Ahmakish

Age: 17

Species: Human

Class: Sophomore, Class B

Dorm: Ignihyde

Homeland: Queendom of Roses

Looks: Brown hair, dark blue eyes with a pair of thin glasses over them, safety goggles on his neck, Caucasian skin, Ignihyde uniform with a lab coat over it, pen with a cyan blue magestone in his pocket, 5’8

Personality: Geeky, nerdy, scientific genius, incompetent schemer, petty, friendly at times, kind at times, overly dramatic, a bit stupid, eccentric and clueless

Signature Spell: Explodinator, allows him to place a self destruct button on anything and the object will self destruct once the button is pushed

Twisted from Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb

~~~~~~~

Name: Cato Sphixeon

Age: 18

Species: Slight mutated human

Class: Junior, Class E

Dorm: Ignihyde

Homeland: Shaftlands

Looks: Pitch black hair in a small man bun, brown eyes with a scar under his right eye, midnight blue skin, Ignihyde uniform with pen in his pocket with a cyan magestone, 5’6

Personality: Childish, petty, nervous, stubborn, cowardly at times, a bit quiet, scientific genius, dense, a bit of a suck up, can be nice when needed, nerdy, inventive

Signature Spell: Not All That, allows him to temporarily turn back time to suit his needs

Twisted from Dr. Drakken from Kim Possible

~~~~~~~~

Name: Fanner Igor

Age: 17

Species: Slight cybernetic-mutated human

Class: Sophomore, Class D

Dorm: Ramshackle

Homeland: the Island of Woe

Looks: Shoulder length black hair, hazel eyes, somewhat pale skin, metal bionic left arm that stores all his magic, Night Raven Collage uniform with a pen with a blood red magestone, 6’3

Personality: Loyal, brave, honest, self reserved, distant from strangers, elusive, dangerous in a fight, ruthless at times, headstrong and resilient

Twisted from Bucky Barnes/the Winter Soldier from Marvel

~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Stephanie Alcayna

Age: 16

Species: Human

Class: Freshman, Class C

Dorm: Ramshackle

Homeland: Shaftlands

Looks: Long brown hair with a green streak in a ponytail, green eyes, goggles on her head, light tan skin, Night Raven Collage uniform with a dark green magestone, 5’3

Personality: Intelligent, scientific, geeky, understanding, kind, supportive, always willing to help, ruthless when pushed, obsessive at times, manipulative if needed, a bit impulsive

Twisted from Varian from Tangled the Series

~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Castor

Age: Five

Species: Mutated human

School: Black Pearl College

Looks: Short pink hair, dark skin, brown eyes, a smaller version of a Black Pearl Collage uniform, 40 inches tall

Personality: Mischievous, playful, curious, outgoing, and nice

Twisted from Morph from Treasure Planet

~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Khünbish Khadak

Age: 18

Species: Human

Class: Junior, Class A

Dorm: Savanaclaw

Homeland: the East

Looks: Shoulder length dark brown hair, yellow eyes with black sclera, somewhat pale skin, muscular, Savanaclaw uniform with a pen with a gold magestone in his pocket, fur lined boots, a glove on his right hand, 6’7

Personality: Arrogant, ruthless, sarcastic, merciless in a fight, sadistic, brutal, confident, and a bit hypocritical

Signature Spell: Falcon’s Eye, let’s him see from the nearest bird’s point of view

Twisted from Shan Yu from Mulan

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Anwir Kongelige

Age: 17

Species: Human

Class: Sophomore, Class D

Dorm: Pomifore

Homeland: The Western Cays

Looks: Dark ginger short hair, freckles on his face, gray eyes, causation skin, fair built, Pomifore uniform with a pen with a dark purple magestone in the pocket, 5’9

Personality: Proud, ambitious, manipulative, kind (as a facade to trick people), entitlement, power hungry, intelligent, adaptable, quick thinking, resourceful, cruel, cold, liar, and apathetic

Signature Spell: Frozen Heart, allows him to turn anything he touches into an ice statue

Twisted from Hans from Frozen

@adrianasunderworld @anxious-twisted-vampire @achy-boo @mangacupcake @marrondrawsalot @writing-heiress

[kingy7]

Let's Talk About Wrestling

I am a Geek. I am totally comfortable with this. In fact the older I get the more comfortable I am. Being a Geek comes with its challenges, particularly in ones youth. Being the 'Star Trek' kid at school isn't fun. However as one grows and those around them do too, it becomes less of a taboo to discuss love of all things geeky. More so now perhaps than ever as franchises like Marvel and Doctor Who become more and more mainstream.

However there is one area of my Geekiness that still baffles people, one passion of mine that many simply cannot understand and one that still carries a stigma. You see, I am a proud Geek but I'm also a wrestling fan.

Let's take a look at the three stages of my wrestling origin story:

There's always a new fad when you're a kid. He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers. Pop culture phenomena that spring seemingly out of nowhere, become the driving force of playground life then disappear without trace save for a mild embarrassment that we ever enjoyed them in the first place. And so it was in 1991 when suddenly all anyone wanted to talk about was wrestling. Specifically WWF wrestling as that was the only type most could watch in those days. I don't recall exactly what piqued my interest. It was as if one day I knew that wrestling was the next big thing and that I had to be invested in it. The cool action figures may have played a part too. In fact, I owned an Ultimate Warrior figure before I knew who he was or indeed how bad he was. That latter realisation wouldn't come until phase two of my wrestling journey but we're getting ahead of ourselves.

We were lucky enough to have Sky TV as this was the only way to watch WWF in those days. Again I have no memory of how exactly it transpired but somehow I was aware that SummerSlam was showing on Sky Movies (not Sky Sports, that should have been a clue) and as it was broadcast at 1AM my Dad taped it and the next day I watched my first wrestling show.

Incidentally having Sky TV had the knock on effect of making those who had the service the centre of our fledgling wrestling communities. My neighbour would regularly 'call round' to watch the events as would friends from school in the years that followed.

SummerSlam '91 was a curious PPV (Pay Per View, American Audiences had to pay for each event whereas in the UK they were shown for 'free' on Sky) in that it features a 'double main event'! One of these events wasn't even a match at all in the traditional sense, it was a wedding. The pun being that the participants were a 'match made in heaven'. The other featured as a tag team the two biggest stars in wrestling at the time Hulk Hogan and the life size version of my action figure - The Ultimate Warrior.

What struck me immediately was how clearly drawn the characters were. I could tell instantly who I was supposed to cheer and who deserved my boos. Early in the show The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase cut a promo (wrestling speak for yammering on the microphone) and I turned to my Dad and said "I don't want him to win because he thinks having money makes him better than everyone else". Little did I know this was the first time I would be successfully 'worked' by a wrestler.

Later in the show I would find some new favorites. Brett Hart, The Bushwackers and of course our countryman The British Bulldog.

I was taken in by the spectacle of it all. The over the top action, the hysterical commentary and the larger than life characters. I was certain to watch the next show. I was so invested that I felt the need to stand during the 'wedding' section of the show. Something I have never confessed to anyone.

It's worth noting that SummerSlam '91 does not hold up to modern scrutiny displaying as it does homophobia and racism. These are tropes that to this day are not entirely absent from wrestling and will always cause me conflict.

Over the next few years WWF became a way of life. I watched the shows, collected the trading cards and action figures and even attended a live event. Such was its grip on British popular culture that one year on from my introduction SummerSlam '92 was held in Wembley Stadium. Absent from that show was Hulk Hogan.

And with Hulk eventually would go my interest in the 'sport'. He became my hero, and as the whole show was built around him it was hard to accept anyone else as the 'top guy'. I soldiered on for a while before stopping watching at SummerSlam '93 almost exactly two years after I'd started.

And as so many fads do, wrestling in the UK became a forgotten past time. Never spoken of at school and regarded with scorn for the poor souls who still watched it.

The question I was asked most over those years, usually by adults, was "Don't you know it's fake?". Yes I did. Everyone told me frequently enough. But I chose to ignore it. I chose to pretend it was real. This is something that non fans seem unable to grasp. Wrestling is no more fake than films and as a result can be no less real if you choose to allow it to be. Maybe we'll take a closer look at that another time.

The next time I watched wrestling was in 1998. Five years may not seem like a long time but the difference between a 12 year old and a 17 year old is like a lifetime.

Had you asked me at that age if I had any interest in wrestling I may well have laughed. It was a part of my childhood, that I now viewed with an ironic detachment. I looked down on younger me who had been taken in by this fake sport. I had no idea that I was about to become a fan for life.

It started with a video game. WWF Warzone. Myself and my friends has been playing it on the N64 and enjoying the fighting mechanics and the characters. We were surprised to see some old favorites in there, The Undertaker, The Bulldog and Brett Hart. Then as we played more we came up with the idea of maybe watching an event for old times sake. See what it was like now?

That event was Survivor Series '98 and it could not have been a better re-introduction.

What we didn't know at the time was that the WWF title had been vacated (It was this whole thing with The Undertaker and Kane and Stone Cold Steve Austin) and so the whole event would be a tournament to crown the new champion. It's rare that a wrestling show has one story over the whole night and even rarer that it's so accessible for an audience who haven't watched in years. Through the tournament format we got to know most of the main characters and saw how they related to each other. We saw the planting of seeds for future rivalries and the twists and turns that were now central to the narrative. I've often wondered if we'd have chosen the previous month's show or the one after if we'd have been as hooked.

But hooked we were, as Survivor Series introduced us to a new generation of grapplers, the aforementioned Steve Austin, Mankind and The Rock being standouts. The latter of course would become one of the most famous people in the world but here he was just getting into his groove as a bad guy. His betrayal of the fans at the end of the show was what compelled us to watch the next episode. The sudden turn with seemingly no reason left an unresolved cliffhanger that demanded an answer. This was where I really started to think about wrestling from a story telling perspective. As a kid it was all about the superheroic characters, but this was different. It was as if the matches served mainly to drive the story onward and the soap opera like sagas were the real draw. I began to think about the wrestlers as playing pieces and the writer as a chess master whose job it was to position them ready for their next match.

Since that event I have barely missed a monthly PPV. My interest has waxed and waned but even at times when i've been unable to watch the shows, I've maintained an interest and followed the story. There have been major lulls in wrestling over the years since. The Cena years were a struggle and the less said about Roman Reigns before he was a bad guy, the better. However the third turning point in my wrestling journey would come not from the stalwart WWE (they got the F out) but from a new company called AEW.

You see WWE had gotten pretty boring by the 2010's. There were no big stars who captured the imagination and the in-ring style was familiar to the point of tedium. I kept an eye on the developments and watched Wrestlemania every year but there was no passion for it in me anymore.

That would change when I heard that there was a new company opening its doors, one that promised to be an alternative, to deliver exactly the kind of entertainment that WWE was not.

It took me a while to get into it if I'm honest. The style was different and the action spectacular but it was so far removed from what I'd thought of as 'wrestling' that I found myself struggling to follow it.

Then something clicked and everything I'd been missing since the heady days of the 'attitude era' was back. Not just back but better. And through AEW I discovered different styles of wrestling and began learning more about its history.

I still watch AEW weekly, I have attended one of their shows as well as local British shows and I would say that my love of wrestling as an art form is at an all time high.

I know many people will still laugh but wrestling is something I care about. It's a form of storytelling that can't be seen elsewhere and above all I love stories. Whether they're written in a book by a novelist or told in the ring by enormous muscled maniacs.

[olderjodijournals]

Wednesday, April 1, 1998

 

Let me get the freeloader out of the way first - the last time I saw or heard the car was at 9:30 last night. There was a city van there today and Tom wonders if they’re moving. I don’t know, but I don’t think I’ve heard his car at all today. No ball games, but lots of stereos. I run to check when I hear any to see if it’s the freeloader’s (cuz he won’t slam doors if he’s playing music), but nope. 

Got box #5 from my folks and loved most of the pictures they sent. They sent a few household items, but mostly pictures. They act like they’re gonna die soon, though, cuz they sent us their wedding pictures. They were absolutely gorgeous, too. My dad looked a little geeky (he got better looking with age), but mom was so beautiful and so thin! I wish they’d have been here to answer some questions, though, cuz there were some people in the pictures whose faces weren’t familiar to me.

There was also a little picture of a middle-aged man in front of a huge house. It’s a very old picture and must’ve been shot in the 30s or 40s. I asked them who this is. Maybe it’s Papa Joe? Jack and Shirley G were my maternal grandparents and Joseph and Bella O were my paternal grandparents. Papa Joe died after Larry and Tammy and before me, and then Nana remarried a guy named Herman G.

I also wondered if they were planning to disown us for a minute there, cuz she sent me back a lot of the pictures Dad took of me in S. Deerfield, and pictures out here both before and after marrying. So, I split those up between Larry, Tammy, Kim, and Bob. She also sent a lot of pictures I already have, as well as a few hideous ones of me, so those I’ll be returning. She said to return any I didn’t want, anyway.

It’s nice to have one of Goldie and Al. I even have some of Boo and Big Mouth Max. Also, the youngest picture I’ve ever seen of my dad as a young boy with Marty. There was a picture of Mom and Ruth with these parrots. This was in a really pretty tropical frame with palm trees. Then there was another pretty floral frame with a picture of Jen from when she was around 10. She’s now 14. There were a few pictures of both Larrys and Jen, but none of Sandy. There were some old pictures of the late 60s and early 70s at the beach. Nana and Pa were in some of them. The pictures were mainly of Tammy’s kids. There’s this one picture I pulled out of Lisa that’s a framed 8x10 of her graduation from middle school and it is absolutely gorgeous! Just gorgeous. You can see the Hispanic in her. I got a kick out of how she said I looked Mexican in one picture of me she’s got. That’s a first. I don’t look Hispanic at all, but if Tom’s right about her seeing me as her role model, then she may see Hispanic in me since she’s part Mexican herself. In this picture, her hair’s longer and it looks so much better. To me, female and feminine go hand in hand, as do female and long hair. Long hair is feminine is female.

Sarah’s hair has also grown out and she looks great.

Tammy, who lightened her hair at one time and looks like Anne Murray, looks awful, and so does Becky. Tom said Becky will be a gorgeous adult then, cuz it’s usually the geekier kids that turn out to be good-looking adults and vice versa.

Later…

I just typed a letter to Marty and Ruth.

Gotta get Tom up in about a half-hour. We’ll be screwing around later.

I have my doubts that I can see that gorgeous Melanie on the 6th. My schedule seems way off for it.

Unless he slammed in while I was listening to music, or didn’t slam his door as hard as usual, he’s not there tonight.

In the household stuff Ma sent, there were some towels. I replaced some of our rattier towels with them, then called and asked Andy if he could use some towels on his machine. He was his usual punctual self with getting back to me by phone and he said he could use them, thanks for thinking of him.

So much for saying I didn’t think the freeloader was there. It just slammed in.

Friday, April 3, 1998

 

I changed my colors around again on the computer and made it look really beautiful. I also put on one of my sound schemes again.

Dad told me that they were married in a banquet hall in West Springfield. I always wondered where that picture was taken. Also, Papa Joe died at age 57 in 1963.

Yesterday I stood up for 21 goddamn hours just to sleep 8 hours and get up just 4 hours later than I did the day before. I’m never gonna make it to see Melanie. Cuz I had been up so long, I thought I’d sleep closer to 10 hours and sleep 6-8 hours later than the day before.

Tom said that if the freeloader’s car was there last night, it was parked too deep to be seen. I didn’t hear any car doors over there since I got up at 5 PM myself, and the city van came again yesterday afternoon. Tom said he’s getting curious. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m vibeless, but I’ve also got a confusing mix of vibes, too. I just can’t see them leaving. I can’t believe my troubles with them are over. Meaning, that I’ll never have to worry about his music again (unless the new people do the same thing).

I talked to Andy, and as I knew, he isn’t going back east. He’s having a rough time now with the pot cravings. Hopefully, he’ll pull through.

Tomorrow I’m gonna change the mice’s cages, dust, vacuum, and clean the bathroom, but tonight I’m gonna be lazy. Gonna read, write, and listen to music.

I woke up at 122 and let myself eat a little more today than just a few bites. Sure enough, I’m right back up to the usual 124. Again, my metabolism is so slow and I practically have to not eat at all to lose weight, but that’s not gonna happen. I’m gonna be between 120-125 for a long long time.

Later…

I forgot to mention these really cool pictures my folks sent that were the height of your average picture, but much wider. They were mostly scenic shots and they were about 3 times wider than your average picture.

Also, we screwed yesterday, and this time he quit on me due to one of his more common excuses - his heart was beating too wildly. Well, that is true as I could feel it. Still - just another problem/excuse. He mentioned taking vitamin E cuz it’s supposed to up your sex drive. Well, if his wife were more attractive and better in bed, and if he weren’t afraid of having a kid, then maybe he wouldn’t need any help. On the other hand, my drive’s gotten lower and it’s got nothing to do with him. At least I don’t think it does. If it’s got to do with him at all, it’s cuz I feel that he’s not all that turned on during sex and I just don’t know if he’s gonna quit on me, play games, or what. Of course, I still have that irritation down around the opening, too. Guess I was quite dry one day during sex and got rubbed raw and it never completely healed.

At this point in our relationship, and I don’t know how I could be so blind to not see this from day one, I believe he’s telling the truth when he says he wants a kid. And I believe he believes himself. It’s not his conscious that fears either proving me right about the sterility then having to deal with that or dealing with if I did conceive and have a child, it’s his subconscious that fears these things. He doesn’t know it, but he doesn’t want a child. He doesn’t want to have to deal with testing and all that, and he doesn’t want to deal with a kid. Why is he scared? Well, I think his reasons are similar to mine. I think he fears my ability to handle it, although he consciously tells me I’d be a good mom. I think he does consider the financial part of it, the time it’d take up, and things like that. Even he said when we first met that he knew he could handle a child, but wasn’t sure if he wanted the responsibility. Well, I think he doesn’t want to be bothered with what a kid would entail, and I think he doubts me as a mom. He just doesn’t know how much he fears these things. So, in a sense, he never did lie to me about this, but I think he has deliberately, knowingly, and intentionally played games with me and my head at times both in bed and pertaining to a kid. Not as much lately, cuz me and fate aren’t giving him much of a chance these days with the infrequent sex we have, my irritation, and other problems. If we keep the sex to once every week or two, it lessens any trouble.

Later…

Well, I slept till around the time I had hoped to and had had plenty of sleep, but destiny’s begun. It’s just like in my vision. God’s begun his compensating me for being able to sleep pretty well for the last few years. And as I said, he certainly wasn’t gonna make me pay for that by way of a child waking me up. Nope, it’s the fucking stereos. Society’s mounting desperateness really scares, saddens, and depresses me. What has this world come to with its neglected people so desperate to reach out for anyone’s attention/acknowledgment?

Tomorrow we’re gonna extend one speaker into my room. Not that this will necessarily work, but I’ve got to try if I don’t want to be woken up 1-4 times a week from here on out. And that will be the case, too, just like in my vibes and just like I wrote about. I said it would happen. It’s just like the NHA all over again. It just comes in spurts and it’s not kids. Tom tried to reassure me by telling me that that was incredibly loud and that they don’t usually go by that loud. Yes, they do. There’s this one car that goes by at around 8 AM, then noon, then 8 PM and it is very, very loud.

I told Tom that unless we join in with these sick fucks, we’ll be on the run from society all our lives. It’ll get to the point where people’s stereos from many many miles away will penetrate through to us across the acres and through the best soundproofing stuff money can buy. He insists that’s not true, though, cuz we can build our own house. Therefore, we can put soundproofing stuff in it. He said “soundproof” means just that. Sound cannot pass through at any level. Here, though, brick conducts sound. So, the soundproofing stuff that’s in the windows may help against other sounds, but bass can go right through the brick walls. I still say that 10-15 years from now at the new place, they’ll have caught up to us. They’ll keep breaking through any sound barrier we put up, as this world gets louder and louder and more desperate and more hostile and sicker and crueler. People will find a way to be heard here by flushing their toilets 3 states over. Tom said that was a bit extreme. Is it? Well, I’d have thought it a bit extreme to know years ago that I’d eventually be in a house and that even through loud noise of my own going, I could hear other’s noise real well and even be woken up by it. I’d have told someone that that was a bit extreme.

So, my appointment is hit or miss, no matter what my schedule is.

I have a lot of dishes to go clean now, as well as the mice’s cages, which takes a long time.

Saturday, April 4, 1998

 

I just spent a good 3 hours doing dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning the bathroom, on top of changing the mice to help curb my anger/frustration/anxieties over the desperate, neglected, sick, rude, selfish, cruel, lonely, hear-me, notice-me, pay-attention-to-me society we live in. 

By Andy’s own admission, he’s never been a happy person. I wonder if I could ever disagree on that one. It seems that the bulk of my life has been unhappy and filled with both one problem after another, as well as ongoing problems that have stayed with me for years. Life really sucks. There is some good in it, but for the most part, life sucks. There’s always a problem no matter where I go and if we ever can live in peace, it won’t be forever. Sooner or later, this fucking sick society will find me and follow me there. And I’m having more and more days (thank God, since I don’t have a choice) where I don’t know if I want a kid all that bad anymore. Having a kid would defeat the purpose of our moving, wouldn’t it? We can have a bigger, more modern house with or without a kid, but we can’t live in peace with one.

Tom said he didn’t see a car next door last night. No wonder I didn’t hear any door slams. Well, when he returns, he’ll let me know it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s over there now. It is the weekend. But if not, he’ll be back soon enough. If he isn’t there over the weekend, I’ll still have to worry about his and the bitch’s mutually sick friends.

If it were a matter of snapping my fingers and being dead instantly, I’d have done so a long time ago. But if it were that easy now, I would if it weren’t for Tom and Lisa. I made promises to them, but I couldn’t care less as far as anyone else’s concerned.

Later…

Today’s my 6th month anniversary of not smoking, aside from those few I had.

Tom got me some cream that’s specially made for vaginal irritation. So now I can clear that up and then God can do something else to hinder a good, normal, healthy sex life.

Gonna go do some reading, although now I’m getting a bit bored with these true crime stories. That’s cuz I know what’s gonna happen. I know a crime was committed and what the crime was, and that someone either pays for it or gets off scot-free.

Sunday, April 5, 1998

 

We screwed yesterday, which was a fun and pleasant surprise since I didn’t think we would. Naturally, he didn’t cum and a little bit of me was surprised he didn’t. He’s due to again, and also, it’s safe, if you catch my drift (he’s not totally convinced I’m sterile). He also believes I’ll call the doctor, go through the testing, and be fixable, and handle motherhood. It’s nice to know he believes I’ll do, succeed, and survive.

Yesterday I also changed his colors and decorated his world for him. I did it mostly in blues. 

As usual, my allergies are going off. Again, as long as I have the mice and don’t smoke, I’ll just have to live with it. And with being fat, too. If I lost weight and dropped the allergies, there’d just be something else. Maybe I’d get more headaches, or maybe I’d get more colds myself.

Tom finished the pool yesterday. The second coat looks great. The only glitch in it is the areas he filled in where the plaster was chipped. It’s kind of bumpy. Even so, it looks a million times better than it did.

He also got a “real” paper cutter. Great, cuz the little one we had was a real piece of shit. He got a really cool idea for making journal covers, but I’ll get into it once I’ve done it.

I tried calling Dad yesterday, but he was at the store, so I left him a happy birthday message.

Tom and I also scanned and attached to my email to them that picture that may be Papa Joe, but Dad said he couldn’t bring it up. Well, I got this message after Tom crashed, so I’ll ask him what advice I should give them when he gets up.

I beat the clock again and wasn’t woken up by any stereos. Going to bed during the daytime, weekend or not, will always be stressful. First I had to worry about the freeloader, but now I have to worry about the whole fucking city. Also, for the second time in a row, I woke up after that dreaded 4th hour and couldn’t go back to sleep for a while. And without Benadryl, I would never have fallen back asleep. This is OK, though, cuz it just extended my sleep. Yesterday I got up for good at 8 PM and this time at midnight. I should be set for my appointment with Melanie. Can’t wait!

He told me he hasn’t seen anyone next door and felt that maybe they were gone. As in moved. Nope, I told him. I’d have vibed that for damn sure and later saw a white car (not the big one that’s played its music obnoxiously loud) come to pick them up. They were quiet, though, all I heard was a kid whining and some adult voices (female). They didn’t slam doors much and there was no music.

Now get this - as Tom was pulling out, he saw a little girl come out of the house where the guard dogs are and start shooting baskets. Why? I wonder. They have their own hoop. Tom said he thinks it’s cuz theirs is in back and she wanted to use one with concrete under it. If she wanted to use one with concrete under it, why not ask for their own hoop to be pulled up front on their driveway? Theirs is movable, unlike the freeloaders. I think it goes more like this - the bitch had a talk about me with the people there, and together, they coaxed this kid to play ball for me. Possibly to try to bait me into doing something that could allow them to take legal action against me, as well as to bother me (but I slept right through the game this time).

Anyway, here’s what I say happened as far as the freeloaders go. They came to do some work around their house, and since he’s not supposed to be there, he took off for a while. So, if they’re all done doing whatever it was that they were doing around there, which I wish could be regular unannounced inspections to make sure he’s not in the picture, he’ll be back if he’s not back already.

Later…

God, I am so sick of this old house! The toilet handle jams, every door is coming off its hinge, and the faucets squeak, leak, and are hard to maneuver. I can’t wait until we move and have a newer place. I mean, I know that place will get old and need work too, but in the meantime, I’ll enjoy the break from everything being so old and fucked up.

Later…

I just got really hungry, so I had a beef patty. I’m eating as little as possible so I can maintain my weight. I just can’t starve in order to lose weight. I need to eat to live. But if I eat only when I’m really hungry, maybe I won’t go up any higher. It seems that after I peaked at 128 pounds, I hung at the 122-124 I have been for quite a while. So, if I’ve been where I am for as long as I have, I guess I’m gonna stay here. But there’s just no way, both due to my age and due to my not smoking, that I’ll ever be 100 pounds again. I’d have to starve, but I’d be dead way before I hit 100. If I started smoking right now, which increases the heart rate and metabolism, maybe I could get down to around 115, but not much lower. And since I don’t intend to start smoking again, I know I’ll never get below 120. Maybe, just maybe I could force my way down to 115, but I couldn’t hold it. It’d just soar back up to the mid-120s in no time at all. So, right now I’m dealing with getting my mind to accept the fact that my thin days truly are over and that I’ll always be at least 120 pounds, no matter what. I’ll just have to live with it and accept my body for how it is, be it cuz I’m short, cuz I’m fat, cuz of my ear, my sterility, my teeth, etc. There’s only so much we can do to change our bodies. I did manage to lose 4-6 pounds and that’s better than none, seeing that I was 128 and am now usually 122-124. I knew I’d be in the 120s when this began. I “saw” it. I don’t sense or see me getting into the 130s so that’s good. I’m pretty sure I’ll stay right where I am indefinitely.

Later…

I am so pissed off! It’s only 9:15 in the morning, I’ve only been up for 9 hours, and I am soooooo tired. Trying to stay up till 5:00, 8 more hours, seems impossible. I’ll go grab a bite to eat and see if that perks me up. I had some coffee with caffeine, too.

Monday, April 6, 1998

 

Yup, that freeloader’s just hiding out. There’s a city van over there that’s obviously working inside the house, where traces of a man could be seen since I don’t hear anything from outside the house. So, like I said, as soon as they’ve done their thing and gone, back comes the freeloaders.

Today I see Melanie! Can’t wait for these eyes to see such a gorgeous face peering over her. And she has nice hair and is tall and seems to have a nice body, too.

Here’s a first - I threw my schedule from nights to days in one day. I took a two-hour nap yesterday afternoon and then was up till 10 PM. I ended up sleeping 10 hours and got up at 8 AM. I was exhausted, but this is something I could never do before. I either couldn’t take naps or if I could, it’d fuck my schedule up further. I had to cheat a bit by taking Benadryl.

OK, just now I heard some outside noise. I hope they’re not putting up a gate to enclose their backyard. Cuz if the reason they ditched the dog had anything to do with how the yard wasn’t enclosed and with how they had to keep it on a leash and it’d break free, this isn’t good. Now they can retain a dog leash-free, and not have to worry about it escaping. Tom said it’s unlikely they’d get another dog, but I still think they may when summer sets in.

Anyway, today I’ll mention that pen pal thing to Melanie if I have the guts to and if there’s time. You don’t really talk much at a dentist’s office what with them poking around in your mouth. I can’t picture her with a computer, or as a member of AOL, but you never know, and you never know if her husband may not be. Computers are getting more and more common and half the households have them. If she does have AOL or something like that, I doubt she’d agree to pen pal with me. After all, I am her patient. Not a friend. I just wish I could know that she likes me, too. God answered my prayers to let me be able to get to the appointment, and if only I could know he answered my prayers to be liked back by her!

Later…

The city people just left. Are they done doing whatever they were doing? Well, if they are, I’ll know it, cuz he’ll come slamming in. We didn’t hear anything from over there yesterday. Not even a ball game. So maybe that white car that pulled in unusually early for it being Saturday took her away for the weekend. Maybe no one can be in the house during whatever it is they’re doing, but why leave all weekend, too? We’ll just have to wait and see, but my vibes say no one’s moved out of there and no one will for quite a while.

Later…

I take that back. Now that I think of it, I think I did hear sounds from over there yesterday. The kid whining and someone bopping around the carport, moving or sliding something around.

Later… 

Back from the appointment, which I’ll update on in a sec. Tom’s out trimming the hedges that are out front. Now I can spy on the freeloaders more easily and see who’s playing ball. I can’t always see who it is if the ball doesn’t go out of bounds and if the person’s really short.

When I pulled out two sheets of paper within our mail, I wondered what took the freeloaders so long to prank mail me back, but the more I studied the handwriting, the more I’m sure it’s Andy. One sheet said it was for the “lady of the house” and the other was for the “man of the house.” Each had a sexually suggestive paragraph telling us to go across the street last night at 5 PM. One said to go to the music people’s house (the one that had the band) and the other said to go to the cop’s house. So Andy drove by and read the numbers off the curb in front of those houses. Another thing that tells me it’s Andy and not the freeloaders is how they mentioned loving Tom’s blue eyes. How would they know they were blue unless they’ve seen them up close? But then they are more like hazel.

Then again, the freeloader did see him up close when he tried to get him to shut up, and this is a little out of character for Andy.

I was in and out of Melanie’s in just a flash. She said I had a loose bracket, then redid all the colors (all pink) that are in between the bracket and anchor.

Melie looked great. Her hair was down with the sides pulled back. It’s a wee bit too curly and frizzy, but it’s nice. It’s a perm, though. It’s to the middle of her back. She also seems a bit tan, too. She seemed more serious and didn’t seem as friendly and as talkative as she was the last time I saw her. She asked how I was, but that was pretty much it. She’s nowhere near as friendly and as talkative as Charlene is (the one that cleans my teeth), but you know how those good-looking ones can be.

I didn’t have the guts to mention the pen pal idea and figured something like that wasn’t meant to be, anyway. I won’t see her again for 4 weeks.

Later…

Tom said the bitch came in about an hour ago in some big gray car, but meanwhile, the cock just came in at a somewhat unreasonable volume. No door slams, though, since he had the music on. He’s back to a Jeep now. He just pulled in, ran into the house, ran back out, then left. We’ll see if he comes back tonight, but if I hear that music like that much more often, I’m gonna nail his ass to the ground. My guess is that he’s not staying there just yet, cuz he seems to only play his music when he’s leaving to let me know it. He’s certainly not gonna can the music if he’s just visiting or running in to get something.

Later…

I spoke to my folks earlier, but only for a few minutes. They were in the process of moving. She says she’ll be sending another box out to us within a couple of weeks. There’ll be more towels. She says some of them are brand new and have never been used. Then what’s she sending them to us for? I never asked, but oh well.

Later…

I just heard a kid, but only for a second, out back in the freeloader’s yard. Again, it sounded too old to be the girl and much too young to be the boy, so I don’t know who it was. I just hope it wasn’t to set up for a dog and I also hope the cock wasn’t driving a Jeep to transport a rather large dog in. Well, I don’t sense a dog in the near future, thank God! And he is a car dealer, after all. I don’t know this for sure, but it seems rather likely.

Later…

Why is their little animal child out playing on a dark, cool evening? Amazingly, I can’t hear it in the house, so maybe it’s two yards down, or maybe the sound’s coming through an open door/window. But their living room lights aren’t on, strangely enough. I only saw their back porch light on. Well, if it’s theirs, as I think it is, it’s not playing with a dog, cuz I’d have heard so by now if that were the case.

The dick ain’t there, as far as I know, and although I doubt he’ll be in later due to the music and due to the way he ran in and out in 60 seconds, he still could pop in any time.

Tuesday, April 7, 1998

 

It’s back. I didn’t see it, but I heard it, and it’s what my senses tell me. I’ve been hearing spurts of banging from the carport. As in, the city’s done doing their thing, it’s safe for him to be back, and he’s letting me know it. I said he’d slam back in, didn’t I? I’ll still have Tom double-check and see if there’s a vehicle there when he leaves for work, but my ” freeloader senses” have always been keen and accurate.

Later…

Andy and the goddamn phone! No wonder he’s so bored. All he does is the phone when he’s not working, and he’s been on the phone for hours.

I just heard a car engine start up next door, so maybe the door slamming spurts weren’t him unloading shit but packing shit. It’s unusual for him to be going out at this time, so we’ll see. There wasn’t any music, which tells me he may be around for a while. Lately, it’s when he’s taking off, that he tends to play it louder, but as I said, we’ll see if Tom sees a car there at 1:30 when he leaves.

Back to Andy. Marla emailed me after I told her he lost his job due to a few gay guys taking him the wrong way and she said, “He told me not to worry about it, but that he was flirting with everyone gay or straight. When’s he gonna learn? Customers expect service and I know that when I’m at a restaurant, I tip on good service, not personality.” I told her I totally agree with her. 

Andy also says he’s waiting for Steve, back east, to contact him. He doesn’t have a phone, so he had Adam put a note on his door. Andy says that if he’s single, he’ll be leaving this state and that I can laugh at him for having to deal with the cold, but he needs love. Well, I know that if I had to choose between being alone out here with Tom or being with him back east, I’d take him back east, as much as I hate it there. I’m still 100% sure he won’t go back there, but either way, I just want him to be happy and follow his heart, no matter what the state. A part of me still wishes he would go back there. That way we can do letters instead of phones, but I know he’ll only write once a year.

Got a Bob letter and the pictures in the mail today that we sent out with Tom and I with the mice. Also, there were pictures of Tweety, the cats, this pig, and the last one, and the rabbit eating pellets with a few pigeons.

I forgot to mention that Tom came on Sunday. Right on schedule too, when it’s too early for a real woman. Now, you know there’s no way in hell he’ll come on time, cuz he won’t cum a few days after he just did. I still say I know Tom S to a tee and what’s in his subconscious, so I guarantee you, I promise you, he will not cum tonight. No way will he. I’m as sure as I am sure that I looked fat and shitty in those pictures. My face, man! It looks like someone blew my cheeks out with an air pump.

Later…

I think the freeloader’s back. At least I’m pretty sure he is, even if that wasn’t much of a door slam just now. I can smell him. I just know a freeloader when I sense one of those things. So the city’s done doing their thing and it was just wishful thinking for me to think his absence could have anything to do with the letter. Like I said, I knew he’d be around for a while, and would be around for at least 5 more months.

Wednesday, April 8, 1998

 

Tom did just what I said he’d do in bed. He not only didn’t want to get off, but he also seemed too scared to really get that into it. Of course, he made excuses and said he’d cum within the next few days. Sure he will! But again, I may have a few days here and there where I’ll miss not having a kid, but things have never been better as far as that goes and I thank God. I’ve always wanted to either not want a child or be OK without one, and I’ve never been this OK with not having one in a long, long time. I just feel absolutely no desire to go to a doctor, even if I could change fate. After what I’ve seen my brother, sister, and a million others go through, I just don’t want the hassles of a child. I meant it when I said I couldn’t handle one, and I value my freedom and time with Tom that much, that it’s OK for me to stay sterile and it’s OK for him to cum rarely.

I also only had a steak, a couple of fiber wafers, popcorn, and some Jell-O, just to have jumped up to 125 pounds. And I’m sick of being stuck every other day, too! Well like I said, I’m back to my old eating habits of just a few bites a day. It’s no problem eating as little as I do, but again, I’ll never be thin again and as frustrating as that can be, I’ve just got to accept it and live with it. A smoker’s heart rate and metabolism can never be that of a non-smoker’s. So, I may not eat much again, but my metabolism will never be fast again. After spending over a decade trying to quit smoking, I sure as hell ain’t gonna sit here and drive myself crazy by trying to lose this weight I can never lose. It’s weird, though, cuz it was always the weight that I could lose, but not the cigarettes. I’d never have thought in a million years that it’d be the other way around. I can keep from smoking, but I can’t lose that weight to save my life! And also like I said, if I lost it, I’d have to deal with something else. God doesn’t reward me for doing a good deed, making an accomplishment, or solving a problem. He just gives me a new problem to deal with. In fact, I’m gonna break for a bite to eat, and I’m gonna enjoy every single bite, too!

Later… 

Back from having some pancakes.

I talked with Andy, who says he had nothing to do with those letters. If he said that, then I believe him. So it was the freeloaders. The spelling was so bad in these letters (which I thought Andy did to throw me off since he spells well). They were like Fran bad. I can’t remember specifically (I threw them in the recycle bin and decided not to tell Tom so as not to worry him) but they’d spell something like straight as strate. Come to think of it, illiteracy and freeloaders seem to go hand in hand. These people are the laziest and most uneducated species alive. They don’t learn things, they don’t work for things, they have no goals, etc. All they know/do is violence, drugs, selfishness, and make others miserable. They give a shit about no one but themselves and they’ll step on their own kind, too. They’re just plain mean. They’re angry, hateful, and out to fuck anyone they can. If they have to burn their own families to get their way and to chew someone up and spit them out, they will.

But why the sexual content? I mean, I know sex is everyone’s favorite weapon of choice, so to speak, but I’d have thought that they’d write something threatening to us or threaten the house. Yes, it is best that these sick fucks stay right here till we move, cuz then they just may burn the house down while I’m asleep, and like I said, I’ve got them if we go first. I’d just die to have them gone like yesterday, but no, it’s best that they just stay right where they are and I’m sure they will, too. I’m sure we will go first.

Also, what took them so long to prank mail me back, and how are they so damn sure I’m the one behind the letter and bottle? They’ve got to have a lot more enemies than just me. Most of them do.

Still, it’d be more fun and more interesting if they’d cooked up something more original. What they did was totally old boring, and childish. But they just don’t have the brains to cook up something better than going across the street for sex.

Another question is - they said to be across the street on the 4th, but I didn’t get their notes till the 6th. Are they that stupid that they can’t even figure dates? This thing couldn’t have been in our mailbox slot since the 4th or earlier, cuz we’d have pulled it out with our regular mail sooner. Maybe they put it out Saturday the 4th after we got our mail, and that’s why I didn’t discover it till pulling out Monday’s mail. Stupid, dumb, brainless fucks. Guess maybe they assumed someone would hear something being inserted into the slot. I hope they don’t have brains enough to know that eggs would fit just nicely into the mail slot. I’d rather have them do silly, boring things, rather than get messy. If they get messy, though, I will too.

I’m sure it was a friend of theirs that delivered their notes too, that’d say they were doing a survey or something like that, had one of us seen them.

Now for my good and shocking news. Yes, Andy really is going back east! I really thought it was just talk borne of desperation, but nope, he’s leaving Tuesday morning and plans to be at his parents’ by Sunday. Laura will keep the house. He met this guy (David, not Steven) in 1979 at a gay bar back there and Andy says David’s wanted him for years. Andy said he dumped David over something stupid, but now that he’s so desperate to be loved by someone that will surely love him in return, he’ll deal with the shitty climate. While there’d be no good in living there for me, there is some good in it for Andy. He’ll have the woods and the beach again. David’s been at the same job for years and has a house in Enfield. He has two roommates, though, so maybe he and Andy can get their own place eventually. The first couple of months, he’ll be with his parents at their condo, and at Gary’s house.

I’ll miss my best friend, and I love my best friend, but maybe this is the break he’s been needing. I won’t miss his constant calls, but it’ll be more special when we do talk and it’ll be nice to get mail from him, as rare as that’ll be. I just hope he finds happiness and does get the love he’s been dying for and deserves. He’s been in the same old rut for too long.

Michelle is another one my heart goes out to. He and she have been inseparable and talk every day on the phone like we used to. Oh, what that girl must be feeling! He’s leaving her in the same boat he left me in back in the spring of 1991. Alone and with no one. I had Kim as a friend and a few others I spoke to, but I hardly ever saw Kim or anyone. I had no one, no life, no money. Just a nice apartment, but no life to go with it and that’s how Andy’s been feeling and how Michelle will feel. All I had was a crush on Gloria. All she has is a crush on her boss. My life has changed since coming out here and he’s not leaving me alone this time. She will be left alone, though. So I told Andy to go ahead and give her my number. As long as she knows I’m not a phoneaholic, don’t do bars or pot or go out a lot, she’s welcome to call if she just needs to talk. If she gets lonely or sad, she can call and cry on my shoulder.

He said sex and sex alone with Quinn just won’t cut it anymore. He needs someone he can love and who’ll love him. Well, if there’s anything good about this, it’s that Quinn will be out of his life completely!

He played me messages that Quinn and David left and yup, what a difference in their voices. Quinn’s was dead. Just totally emotionless. But David’s was full of life, compassion, confidence, and happiness.

As for thought vibes, he was telling me that he’d been thinking a lot of David and he said on his machine that he’d been thinking of him, then he found the note Adam left on his door. He said no, Melanie can’t pick up on my thoughts of her. It’s more like people like family and friends. People like my folks, Lisa, Kim. That makes more sense.

Later…

Yup, I know a piece of shit when I smell one. I saw the freeloader leave in the Jeep this morning. So the city’s done working there and he doesn’t have to hide out anymore. And he went from a red car to a Jeep to a maroon car to a gray car to a Jeep again. Meanwhile, we’ve been driving the same old piece of shit, that little shit! Tom, though, feels more comfortable with a junker, cuz then it’s not as appealing to thieves.

Again, the predictable Tom S is stalling and making excuse after excuse to put off making an appointment to get a check-up. Whether doctors make him nervous, or he just plain doesn’t want to go and just doesn’t care is fine, but I may have to be the one to pick out and establish a doctor if there is something wrong with my hormones/metabolism. I don’t know if the erratic periods, being stuck a lot, and lack of metabolism are connected or what, but I know it’s not normal to eat so little just to gain weight. I’m back to not losing weight in my sleep and I have a feeling that if I did starve, I’d still stay the same weight. If I’m right, then that’s a sure sign that something’s wrong, and maybe it’s something I can deal with after all. God will compensate me for it, but that’d be OK. We’ll just have to see what happens during the heat and summer activity in the pool, etc.

Also, again with the predictable God who’s gotta act like there’s some big pregnancy to dodge. I knew he would too, so I guess that imaginary egg’s gonna be in the way sometime tonight or tomorrow, cuz Tom has to go in an hour earlier, he will be tired if we do screw around tonight, and he won’t cum after he just did less than a week ago. He says sex is easier for him if we do it more often, but that’s bull, cuz I see the same cumming schedule either way. But it’s OK. I don’t want to deal with what a child would entail at this time. I just don’t want that as much these days. In a sense, God has answered all my prayers. The ones that didn’t just die off on their own. I always wanted to be OK with not having a kid and now I am. I hardly ever feel bad over it anymore. Besides, if I can’t keep a schedule for myself, I can’t keep one for someone else.

Later…

OK, the piece of shit’s in for the night (cuz it was coming from the carport). It just slammed in so fucking hard that the house shook. It’s like someone slamming a door really hard inside the house.

Maybe not. I just went and checked and thought I saw it leaving in its old gray car. Well, it’ll be back around 9:30. I think I know where it’s going, judging by the door slams. Now, I know it sits and slams its doors in regard to me, but it’s unloading its shit that it slam-packed to go hide out. It’s back now, so it picks up its shit at night after work.

I’ve gone from doing stuff to lose weight, to doing stuff to find out if yes indeed, something’s wrong. When I lost weight years ago, I first had nothing but liquids for about 3 days. Then I continued on with eating whatever whenever and lost the weight. This won’t happen if I liquidate myself, cuz I’m not 19 and still smoking. However, if I don’t lose at least 5 pounds from doing this, as hard as it’ll be, then something’s wrong for sure. Then I’ll know if it’s worth making a doctor’s appointment over.

Thursday, April 9, 1998

 

El cocko just may not be there tonight after all. I didn’t hear any door slamming, so who knows, but get this - just when I thought I had the situation next door figured out, I’m confused again. Tom says the city van was there again today. He said the door to the van was open and it looked like it was filled with cleaning stuff. What? Are they now having their house cleaned for free, too?

Later… 

I’m filling the pool up now! It took about two hours to fill the spa and now I’m working on the main part, which will take close to two days. The light’s burned out back there, but between the water’s reflection and the bright moonlight, I can see the water level perfectly.

I knew it. Here are the signs saying Andy isn’t gonna go back east. He said he’s been too impulsive and needs to work a couple of months and plan his trip before he goes back east, etc. He won’t go. I know he won’t. And after these couple of months, he’ll need a couple more, then a couple more, etc.

Later…

Tom made the excuses I knew he would to bail out of sex - he’s too tired. If something doesn’t hurt, and if he’s not sick, he’s tired. Or too busy. I know my schedule’s not the greatest, but still, he did just what I knew he’d do. I knew he’d either not cum or avoid sex altogether.

Maybe, despite my low libido these days, I should go to a doctor for his sake, just to prove to his subconscious that he has nothing to fear. Nah - I’ve had enough medically between the ear, the asthma, the braces, and so much more. On the other hand, with that gorgeous Melanie Marie, braces aren’t such a bad thing. Out of everyone I’ve seen in the medical profession (physical), she’s the best-looking I’ve ever seen. Most of them are plain or downright ugly, like Kim.

So, is Mr. Fuck parked next door? And what the fuck’s going on? I’d say Mr. Fuck is not parked there. I don’t smell or sense any garbage just outside here, but what is going on? Are the trips he’s making to haul shit out? Or what? I don’t see them going anywhere for a while, as I said before.

The pool’s coming along really well. It’s hard to measure where it’s at since the bottom’s basically U-shaped. Remember, the center’s the deepest at 5’ and the ends are about 3’. It’s a volleyball pool. If the spa took two hours, I’m sure the main pool will take 20. Maybe more.

I forgot to see if I could read what Melanie’s last name is. Maybe when she’s turned to writing in my file at her counter, behind the head of the chair we patients sit in, I can glance at it without giving myself away.

Later…

The water’s almost up to the bottom step, but there’s still a long way to go.

It’s fucking freezing out there! Is this winter ever going to end? It just seems like that hot weather is never gonna get here! It’s April, yet we still need heat at night. After that one time a couple of weeks ago, summer started to pop through and we needed the cooler on, it’s been shitty. It’s OK during the daytime, but at night it’s bone-chilling cold!

Later…

I forgot to say that Marla emailed me saying that it’d be a bad move for Andy to go back east and that he hasn’t called her cuz he knows she’ll try to talk him out of going. I told her that I agree it’d be a bad move and I don’t think love is meant to be for him no matter where he lives, so he ought to just stick around and enjoy the nicer weather. I haven’t tried to influence him one way or the other, though, cuz it’s his life and this decision has to be his.

Later…

I haven’t even been up two hours yet, yet I’ve heard at least 5 stereos so far. Like I said, it’s horrendous now. Not a day goes by that you don’t hear several.

I was wrong but should’ve known better about the freeloader. The freeloader was there last night. I saw it leave this morning. So maybe it took some of its stuff that would be more obvious to the city. However, that wouldn’t stop him from physically being there when he normally is. The city comes in the daytime when he’s working. The bottom line is that they’re not moving, and I have mixed emotions about that.

Tom didn’t leave me a message as to what time to wake him up. He has to leave at 1:30, but I’ll shoot for 11:30 and not bother leaving time for sex. First off, I’m not in the mood. Secondly, I know he’ll be scared to screw around at this time, so we won’t.

Later…

Haven’t heard any slamming. Is there a freeloading cock over there tonight?

Hopefully, the guard dogs and old man’s dog will settle down for the night. It was kind of nice today, so as the weather finally warms up, the barking will extend into the night. Last summer wasn’t bad at night as far as barking from these dogs go, cuz I had the freeloader’s dog to listen to. However, if the freeloaders don’t get another dog in June, then these dogs will compensate and will bark more.

Mom called and we talked. She told me about some stuff she’s sending, which I’ll get into once I get it. Unfortunately, these packages may come while we’re in CA, so hopefully the freeloaders will keep their paws off of them.

Mom sounded tired, but pretty relaxed and in a good enough mood. I teased her about playing with the mice when she comes to visit, she said that was a nice compliment when I said nobody decorates as nicely as she does. Dad was out playing bingo.

At first I was guarding the kittens against mama bitch when they ate and was just keeping her away from the food, but now I’m chasing away White Paws, too. The only cat I like is Blackie. She’s the friendliest, but her brother’s a little prick. A good 99% of the obnoxious nighttime noise with the banging on the walls, windows, and doors, is compliments of White Paws.

Later…

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a freeloader! Yeah, I’m pretty sure I heard it about a half-hour ago. The last couple of days, it’s been shutting doors quieter at night, but slamming the shit out of them in the morning when it leaves. I could hear it both over the sound machine and the fan and if it wakes me up – well – need I say any more?

Later…

What, did Andy use this I’m-going-back-east BS as an excuse to bug me? Now he wants me to put through a call to David. If he can restrain himself from the pot, why can’t he restrain himself from long-distance phone calls? Can’t he use some of the money he’s saving from not getting high on removing his long-distance blocks? Sometimes I really wish he’d go back east! But like I said, it’s not gonna happen.

The water’s finally just covering the bottom step. It took forever for the water to go from right at the step’s edge, to covering the step. Of course, it won’t fucking rain now that we’re filling up the pool and help it fill up faster! If we weren’t ready to fill it up, it’d rain. It’s like needing to borrow money when no one has it to lend to you, but then when you have money, people offer you a loan.

I took a dump yesterday and dropped back to 124, and I was hoping I could do that again today, but it doesn’t look like I will. What is it with this shitting every other day? For a while there, I went every day and was only stuck once a week.

Later…

I forgot to mention, Tom’s always been rather manipulative when it comes to getting his way in bed. Not only will he make excuses to cover his fears, but he tends to take advantage of certain things. He knows how I feel about talk. He knows that to me, actions speak louder than words. So what I’m saying is, I know another reason he’s stalled on making a doctor’s appointment, isn’t just out of fear. He’s doing it with the hopes that I’ll say, “Well, if he’s stalling, then he can’t want to take the steps towards having a child all that bad, therefore, neither do I.” 

Again, no problem. I just don’t want it anymore. I don’t need it, I don’t want it, and I’m not gonna go through what Larry and Tammy did/do, etc. It doesn’t matter anymore where we are or what I can handle, it’s all a matter of protecting myself from a life of hell. I’ve had a life of hell in the past and I’ll be damned if I let it go to hell in the future. I’m not giving up my freedom or my life just so I can sit and have new things to suffer for. So, Tom doesn’t have to worry about doctors. Besides, God’s on my side as far as a kid goes (I never thought we’d be on the same side about anything)! And Tom would just manipulate things. He just wouldn’t be “able” to do the things they’d recommend. They treat couples as one when it comes to fertility programs, so when he refused to cum for them, which would be required, he’d just oh so conveniently not be able to do so, and therefore, we’d certainly be out of luck. They couldn’t make him get off, either, if he didn’t want to. So even if I still wanted one, why fight a battle I’d only lose?

Now Andy’s not going back for a year and a half and says he hopes David will wait for him. Right! He’s not going back there and we both know it. Now Andy, leave me alone with the fucking phone for a while!

Friday, April 10, 1998

 

Scaredy, scaredy, scaredy! As figured, no sex tonight. But should I really go through all the hassles of a doctor just to ease his fears, when I know there’s nothing to fear?

Later…

I’m so frustrated now, I could kill! Again, I wish I could physically grab hold of God or whoever’s controlling me and wring their fucking neck!

I’m tired of this going back and forth with the appetite. I go a few days where I’m not hungry, then I’m fucking starving! How dare God insult me some more too, by making me suddenly so nauseous after having those diet shakes. I never used to get nauseous after having dairy products. Gassy yes, but not where I felt like puking. He just does not want me to lose weight. It’s cuz I went against him by getting those Lactaid tablets. They worked, so he knew he had to go to extremes just to keep me off the shakes and in his control.

So, as usual, you win God. I’m right where you want me to be - fat and unable to do anything about it. I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer the hunger of not eating much just to maintain the same weight. Once again, I’ll never lose this weight. So the sooner I just eat what I want, when I want, and accept this fat, the less miserable I’ll be. You can’t fight God and win and in order to be allowed to use my lungs to their fullest potential, I must pay for it in pounds. Well, better to be fat than to not be able to breathe. If only I could puke, but nope, it’s just too gross. Oh well. I’m fat, it’s for a reason, it’s meant to be, I can’t change it, so…so be it. My not eating much lately wasn’t so much to lose weight, as it was to maintain weight, but whether or not something’s wrong, why suffer needlessly? Why go hungry just to maintain a weight that’s too much for me, anyway? So, I may as well not worry about eating just a few bites a day and eat what I want and allow myself to gain weight, cuz it’s not worth being hungry just to weigh something that’s too much for me, anyway. Whether I’m 125 or 175, they’re both too much.

Saturday, April 11, 1998

 

We’ve revised our plans a bit and have decided to go to California early on Sunday, then head over to Laughlin on Monday, then return on Tuesday. This is cuz of all the times I receive packages, the packages would probably come when we were originally gonna go from Thursday to Saturday, and the freeloaders would probably steal them. Or one of their sick associates would. I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna work my schedule out for this, though. I prayed to God, who seems to have no problem with granting my sleep wishes these days, so hopefully it’ll work out. Tom said it’d be no problem due to the excitement of the whole ordeal. Well, I don’t know if I’m as excited as I would be if this was my first time in California and if I didn’t mind traveling and hard hotel beds. I’m hoping, though, that I can get lucky twice in a row and do the nap thing again so I can throw my schedule like I did before seeing Melanie.

Another strange twist as far as the freeloaders go. He left at 7:30 AM, his typical time to leave for work. It doesn’t usually come back till around 4 PM, but not this time. This time it came back at 9:30 and left at 10:00. Then it came back at 11:00, left a bit later, then as I was falling asleep, I thought I heard it return around noon. All I saw (besides hearing car doors) was the kid sitting in its stroller, then some tall short-haired black woman dressed up nicely, but conservatively. I’ve never known him to be in and out like that on a weekday. That’s his weekend thing. If that doesn’t sound like they’re hauling shit in or out, I don’t know what does. Wherever they’re hauling to or from, though, obviously can’t be far away.

Later… 

The pool’s virtually all filled up. Just a few more inches to go.

Today’s not a dump day for me, but tomorrow I’ll take that shit. I seem to go every other day now. No wonder I can’t lose weight, but God will do whatever he has to to keep me heavy. I’m glad, though, that I gave up the diet roller coaster. Not just cuz it’s hopeless, but cuz it was driving me crazy. Now I’m more relaxed.

Tom was going through some stuff stored in his little room off the back room and came across something really neat. It’s this stick you bend that breaks a glass tube inside it and that lights up. Some chemical reaction, I guess. We used to play with these as kids at the beach.

Jesus fucking Christ! The freeloader just banged in really, really loud. The nerve of this fucking freeloader! I swear I’m gonna make this freeloader’s life miserable and tonight it’s not getting no sleep whatsoever!

Later…

I just went out for a banging round and I’m gonna do this every hour till Tom gets up. I could kill this fucker! Why won’t he just leave me the fuck alone! Tom said there wasn’t a sound from over there all day but I knew it was just a matter of time. Tomorrow’s Easter and I’ve never known them to act up on Easter, but we’ll see. Each time he lays into me with the music like that, I’ll be anything but peaceful myself.

Tom was saying that the place was lit up at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, something she does when he’s not there. But he has been there. We’ve seen his Jeep. Maybe the reason the place has been lit up that late is cuz of me. Maybe it makes them feel more comfortable with me around, but I swear! It’s just a matter of time and I’m gonna kick the living shit out of him for the two years of hell and stress he’s put me through. This isn’t an I’m-going-somewhere-for-a-while blast-off, either. Neither one of them is going anywhere, but if this is how he wants to play it, then he’s gonna have to hear me too, cuz I’m fixing to drag one of the speakers out there at night and let them listen to my music all night long.

Oh, how I wish that black bitch would come to my door right now! Oh, please God, send her here! I’m so pissed off now that I can’t even write.

Monday, April 13, 1998

 

OK, this is the scoop - the next time I hear that freeloader banging in like that in the daytime where I can see what I’m doing, that’s it. He’s going to the hospital cuz I’m sick of his shit, I’ve taken his shit for two years, and I’m not gonna take it for another year. I should’ve beaten the shit out of him two years ago. A part of this is my fault, too, cuz if I’d just put him in his place years ago, then I’d have spared myself all this bullshit, cuz he’d have been too terrified to step out of line after I got done with him. If beating this sick freeloader fuck into submission and traumatizing him into doing what’s right is what it’s gonna take, then fine. So, come tomorrow, he’s dead. Totally totally mincemeat. It won’t be till June before he’s recovered enough to even drive in the first place. I knew it was just a matter of time too, and there was no door slamming. I knew it was the freeloader by the security light and by hearing him shuffle around the carport as he was getting out of the Jeep and going into the house (I ran around to the side of the house). That fucking, fucking mother-fucking freeloader! Who the fuck does he think he is? King of the world? Well, you make my day tomorrow, you fucking filthy freeloader, and you blast off and see what happens! I’m gonna set you straight so fucking fast you won’t even know what hit you, you fucking freeloader! And this isn’t it, either. Once he starts, he doesn’t stop. He’s not gonna blast off on occasion. Just when I started to think that maybe, just maybe, the city did bitch about him, but yeah right! In my dreams. Like I always said, the way to solve a problem with someone is by confronting them head-on. You go directly to the source. You don’t get to people by way of going through others. So tomorrow he’s mine and I’ll never have to worry about him again like I shouldn’t have let myself do in the first place.

We’ve decided to go to California when we originally planned to from Thursday to Saturday cuz we remembered that Sunday’s Easter. Nothing would be open. 

They’re still up over there and I just gave them their fourth banging spree, but it’s not enough. I want to bang on them! Well, I might. In just a handful of hours. Not her, though, cuz she’s just a big-mouthed bitch. She’s not the one banging in and out and she’s too little. I don’t usually go after someone smaller than me, but if she came to my door right now, that’d be different. Then I’d deck her like I’d deck anyone else.

Even if the city did mention the letters to them, that obviously didn’t do any good as far as getting his ass out of here. And they know this, too, so why not go back to blasting the music? All she has to do is claim it isn’t coming from her place. Every other car that goes by blasts music, so maybe it’s them, but it ain’t where she lives! So this is how I know I have to take matters into my own hands. It’s the only way to solve this problem once and for all. Even if he doesn’t wake me up, I have to go to bed fearing he will (along with the rest of this sick city) and I’m not gonna live like that. I’ve had it with rude, sick, fucking asshole neighbors who only care about themselves. I can’t take on the whole city, but I can and will take care of the problem just outside these walls here. So, till daylight, you fucking black cock!

Just when I settled back into not eating when I first got up, and not eating much throughout the rest of the day, I’m back to that constant hunger deal. I woke up so damn hungry. Tom ran out to get a double cheeseburger and some fries, which I ate all of, then was still hungry. I just had a hot dog and it seemed like it might curb my hunger there for a second, but nope. I’m right back to being so hungry.

Later…

Now I’m even more pissed cuz I can’t continue on with making my racket now that it’s raining out (just as the pool gets all done filling up) and have to play Leak & Bucket instead. Thank you, God, for caring about me and my feelings and emotions. Thank you so very very much, God! You’re such a fair, kind, loving God. With my shit luck, you’ve made them deaf to my racket anyway.

Later…

The rain let up so out I went to bang on the metal pole of the clothesline. Oh, how I wish I knew they heard me! But I really do have my doubts as to whether or not they hear me when I make my late-night ruckus and that’s cuz I don’t get woken up. God got me back for all those people I woke up in Springfield, so if I were waking these freeloaders up, wouldn’t he wake me up, too? Maybe he will in the future. I didn’t pay for what I did back east right away.

Later…

And there goes another possibly useless banging spree. Oh, how I want to get my hands on that asshole instead!

On the other hand, maybe they do hear me. They heard me yelling at them about the dog freaking out at 2 AM, cuz I heard someone come out of the house. I just didn’t know right away it was to move the dog even closer to me by taking it out of the yard and into the carport. Some loving neighbors they are.

Again my question is, when is the city gonna order them to move on? How many more years can they mooch off the city and have the city pick up the bulk of the tab for their living expenses? And these are not disabled people. They’re just a bunch of sick assholes on welfare that are too lazy to work harder than they do. We know the bitch can work cuz we know she leaves every day, but can’t she work a little harder to pay her own way? Maybe she’s just too damn stupid to get a better job than whatever it is she’s got. Whatever it is she does have, can’t be any better than working at McDonald’s. Maybe the employers of the better jobs also don’t want to hire a selfish bitch of a freeloader, and if that’s discrimination, then I’m all for it.

Later…

I forgot to say that Tom feels it could be the Lactaid that made me nauseous the last two times I had shakes. Whatever. All I know is that God will do anything to stop me from any diet plan working, so fine. I won’t do anything about losing weight and I won’t lose weight. I’ll stay heavy, and heavy I am. My waist is 32”, my hips are close to 40”. Even my tits have grown. I’m around 36” in that department. My 23” thighs are what my waist should be. But again, that’s not gonna happen, though, so I can forget living on skinny dreams.

Later…

I knew it. I just knew it. I not only knew that he wouldn’t cum at this time, but I knew he’d tickle me after sex, too. Why must he do that “I feel guilty for deliberately not cumming, but let me butter you up with tickles so I don’t have to deal with how you feel about it” game? It’s OK. I don’t want a kid anymore, so he doesn’t have to cum. It only makes a mess, anyhow.

Also, Tom said he saw a big Jeep and a little Jeep next door at the freeloader’s yesterday, but heard no music.

Tuesday, April 14, 1998

 

Naughty, naughty freeloaders! Oh, are they lucky I wasn’t up and that I wasn’t up in the afternoon and that they didn’t wake me up! They broke their Easter tradition and had company galore. I should’ve known better too, since things have changed around here from last Easter to this one.

In the middle of a dream involving Melanie, I woke up hot, sweaty and a bit congested. I had a little coughing and wheezing, although certainly nothing like what I’d have as a smoker. I went out to take a Benadryl and get a drink and asked Tom how they’d been. He said 6-8 kids, both white and black, from ages 10 on back, were playing ball. Also, there’d been very loud music in the last hour, but it wasn’t him. It was their company.

Tom told me I couldn’t do anything as far as beating up their company goes. No, but if I took care of him and her, that’d take care of the company. I also reminded Tom, no man’s gonna admit some chick beat them up. Then Tom said I was probably right, but that eventually, the odds would catch up to me, and I’d be in trouble. He’s so afraid of losing me. The only real danger I can see as being a possibility, if I went over to kick ass, would be someone whipping out a gun on me. It’s as likely that these freeloaders would have guns as it is that there’s a toilet over there. Guns and blacks go hand in hand. Even so, one of these days they’re gonna provoke me and piss me off while I’m wide awake, or they’re gonna wake me up, and I’m not gonna care about odds and risks. I have virtually no self-control when I get that pissed off. Especially when it’s by someone doing it deliberately. I know that if I don’t fight back when people start stepping on me, that’s telling them, “Yes, you can step all over me and I won’t do shit about it.” Tom still swears it’s not deliberate and that their company, who’s just as sick as they are, couldn’t care less and aren’t thinking of me or anyone else. That goes without saying, but if I were that bitch and if I cared about someone other than myself, I’d have a little chat with my company. It’s her responsibility to curb her company’s rudeness and selfishness.

Well, given the slim chance that I don’t blow and do something to them while I’m here, I am gonna give them what’s coming to them after we’ve moved. There’s no way I’m gonna just let them get away with this. They are gonna pay somehow and hopefully, this will prevent some other unfortunate person who may move in here after we leave from having to go through what we did, cuz the freeloaders will remember me.

Meanwhile, Tom’s gonna call the mayor’s office today, which I still say will do no good. He says the mayor’s into real estate and sold this house to David. Then he went on to say how the mayor would be helpful to us cuz he wouldn’t want Tom to call the TV people to tell them how useless he was, etc.

Later…

Just went out for my second banging spree, but as I forgot to say - when I first woke up, I wondered if it was God’s payback to me cuz I did succeed in waking them up after all. I don’t know, but there is some good in it. When I fell back asleep, I slept till midnight, so this greatly helps my schedule for California. They don’t normally raise hell two weekends in a row, but watch, during the time we’re gone, it’ll be nice and peaceful. No music, no ball games, no nothing.

Wednesday, April 15, 1998

 

Journal 77 will have a lot of blank pages left. I may use them for letters. I really want to take a new journal with me on this trip, so even if I still have a few pages left in this journal, I’ll still take a new one. Having a few blank pages at the end of this journal won’t kill me.

Anyway, I’m gonna go straighten my hair, so I’ll write more after.

Later…

OK, I straightened my hair. In a while we’re gonna haul out the old, big washer, so we can wash the comforter.

Tom said that last night, a big Jeep pulled in, then left 5 minutes later. There was no music. He didn’t hear the asshole pull in and I didn’t hear him leave this morning, so maybe he wasn’t there last night. Leave it to him to take off while we’re gone. Like I said, it’ll be nice and quiet while we’re gone.

There’s nothing worse than seeing something you envision that’s not good, actually happen. Like I said, I knew that God would start paying back for sleeping pretty well from late ‘93 till recently. If I don’t wake up due to some asshole’s noise, it’ll be just because. I woke up just because 4 hours after falling asleep. I took some Benadryl to knock myself back out, then woke up again later. That time, though, I was able to go back to sleep right away. I got up at 5 AM, which is great for the trip. Taking Benadryl may help with making me sleep longer when I’m trying to push my schedule around, but it can also be a bad thing if it’s gonna push it around too far. I don’t need it pushed any further than it is now, so I’ll have to have Tom make sure I don’t sleep too late tomorrow, cuz I know God’s just gonna wake me up again 4 hours after I go to sleep, then it’ll take about an hour to go back to sleep, and the Benadryl will keep me out for 7 hours. Well, I certainly can’t afford to be in bed a whole 12 hours again, so that’s why he’ll probably have to get me up.

Later…

I gathered up most of the stuff we’ll be taking to California with us.

Even though Tom let the epoxy set long enough on the new cage’s leg joints, it broke off. So he took off all the leg joints and intends to bolt them in to make them sturdier for when Velvet’s running around. So, he will be in the aquarium after all, while we’re gone. Meanwhile, the mice will occupy the Play City cages upstairs. Velvet will be able to look up at the mice while the mice will be able to look down at Velvet. This is cuz I’ll have a T-tube inserted in the floor hole, rather than a cap. It’s easier to get tubes in and out of floor holes and I think the mice and pig would enjoy being able to see up and down.

The comforter we’re washing is almost done. Gotta get it up onto the clothesline afterward.

Later…

Tom just went to mow his ma’s yard and pick up a few things. Ma’s got an electric mower, which will make mowing much much easier. Tom’s gonna hit our yard too, then once we pull Bunny inside in the morning, he’ll throw weed killer on it so they’ll be dead when we return and so it can’t hurt Bunny by the time he’s back outside again.

A silver sedan-type of a car came and went quietly to visit. So she’s home on some weekdays?

I got my comforter in just in the nick of time. It had just started to drizzle just as I got it off the line.

This weather is pitiful. It’s gonna be nice where we’re going in L.A., but it’s still unseasonably cool here. Just when you think it may get pretty warm in the afternoon, it’s chilly or even cold again. Tonight will be freezing. The nights and mornings suck. We still have to run the heat at times, it’s mid-April, and we’re in Arizona. It makes no sense, that’s for sure.

I hope to hell my packages arrive today, but I know they won’t. Therefore, there’s a damn good chance they’ll go to the freeloaders, but what can I do about it? Put my life on hold for a couple of packages? I don’t think so.

Well, I’m gonna go check my baked potato. It should be done right about now.

Later…

No, my potato’s not ready.

Tom sorted out a lot of tools today.

I’ve got us mostly packed and I just remembered to gather up some proofreading stuff for the long, grueling car ride. At least the scenery will be nice.

Later…

If UPS doesn’t come within the next hour, as my vibes say they won’t, then the freeloaders get my packages.

Fucking freeloaders, man! Why do I always have to be the one stuck next to blacks or Hispanics? Of all the off-brands around here, I have to be the one to have them on my ass. We could move to a street with 30 houses on it where all households are white, with the exception of one, and who’d be next to the exception? Us. We would for sure.

It only drizzled for a few minutes, but it’s windy and chilly out there. It’s pretty cloudy, too.

Hopefully, we won’t have any animals coming by to give us a going-away ball game after they get out of school. So far, things have been better than I thought they’d be as far as that goes. I expected a game every day, and if not, every other day, but it looks like that’ll be mostly a weekend thing, compliments of Miss Joely Bitch N. Not Saturday, though, cuz we won’t be here.

I’m not gonna be doing my usual weekend letters since we’re taking this trip. I’ll do them when we get back. That way I’ll have something new and exciting to tell them.

I moved Tweety to the table I do my writing on in the back room. That way he can watch the sunrise and set while we’re gone and be with the other animals.

Later…

Speaking of freeloaders, do I hear one in its carport? I could swear I’ve been hearing him packing, unpacking, or doing something. If he is, I’m surprised he’s doing it this quietly.

We activated the cell phone my folks sent. We can call 911 without it being activated, but we can now call for help if we break down. Tom also knows cars and has every tool you could need for a car, packed in the trunk. We’re gonna leave the Nissan Centra here and take the Ford Tempo.

Later…

I called and left Andy a message, asking him to please check for packages if he can, and put them on the back patio. I pretty much expect an “I was too busy,” or an, “I couldn’t open the gate,” as an excuse, but we’ll see. It’s just that there’s always some sort of problem for him.

UPS is definitely not coming today. We haven’t even got our regular mail. He’s either late, or we just didn’t get anything.

Tom called from his ma’s while I was out back. Guess it wasn’t too important, though, cuz he didn’t leave a mess.

Tom’s home now. Just pulled in.

Later…

Tom got a California map and a map of L.A. He lived in Riverside, CA for a couple of years many years ago.

Tweety likes to file his beak on my pen cap.

Thursday, April 16, 1998

 

We’re now in our motel room in Huntington Beach in the L.A. area. We first looked for a motel in Anaheim, but everything was all booked up since that’s where Disneyland is.

We spent 9 hours in the car yesterday. That’s a lot! Along the way, the scenery was gorgeous. I didn’t realize just how colorful the desert can get, what with its pretty clumps of yellow and purple flowers. There was a chain gang doing some type of work along the way, too.

Once we got into the L.A. area, we ate lunch in Santa Ana. Then after what seemed like an eternity, we found a great, cute, and very different motel room and the ocean’s just across the street from us!

I got postcards for Mom, Dad, Larry, Sandy, Jen, Tammy, Lisa, Becky, Sarah, Kim and Andy.

I got another 20 minutes before I can go to the little room just outside the office for coffee.

Anyway, Tom and I took a quick stroll on the beach. The water was pretty cold.

To describe our motel - it’s sort of cottage-like. Where we’re at has only one floor. We’re on the end so there’s no one on 3 sides of us, as well as below or above.

The room is unlike any other I’ve ever stayed in. There’s a small bathroom with a window in it, off of where the foot of the beds is. Also across from the beds are a table, TV, and a little closet area.

Where the bed is, is a regular door with a window next to it (these windows open). On the opposite wall is a sliding glass door with a mini patio and two chairs. There are vending machines and a pool nearby, too, but we didn’t bring our suits.

The most cottage-like feature of our room is the vaulted ceiling with wooden planks. The upper part of the wall where the slant starts is all glass.

So, the room’s been peaceful and quiet, except for Tom’s snoring. We also had a little ant trail in here, but the front desk took care of that.

I don’t know where we’re going today. Perhaps we’ll cruise through Hollywood and Beverly Hills.

It’s been cool and windy, but pleasant, sunny, and gorgeous. It’s not as humid as I thought it’d be for being right on the coast. The weather here doesn’t get as cold in the winter or as hot in the summer as Phoenix does.

Later…

If there’s anything boring about this trip, it’s that you spend 90% of it in a car. Been cooped up in the car and my legs were still and my ass sore, but now we’re back at our motel off of the Pacific Coast Highway.

After I last wrote we went to the office to mail off my postcards and to get coffee and something from the vending machine.

Then we took off for breakfast, then to Venice Beach, which is supposed to be famous.

At Venice Beach in CT, but the shore and waves were much bigger.

Later…

This, as well as last month, has been really screwy. Last month my period was a week late. Earlier I had spotting a week before my period’s due. It’s in reverse of last month.

There was no one next to us last night. There are 6 rooms on this little strip, and I think only one other room was occupied last night at the other end.

I thought I saw some freeloader pass by. Let me guess - they’ll be next to us. Not 2-3 doors down, but right next to us.

Back to Venice Beach. There was a long pier that took us several minutes to walk down. We shot some pictures there, as well as everywhere else we went. I tried to shoot stuff with the names of the cities we’d pass through, so I’d know exactly where they were taken.

The first time I was in CA I took a rock back. This time I took a shell to take back.

We cruised through some of the tourist beach shops where I got a California magnet and a Santa Monica magnet. I also got a colorful towel with palm trees that say California on it, a darker pair of sunglasses, and some sandals. Like an idiot, I didn’t take my sandals, and walking on a beach in sneakers is no fun.

I don’t know if they enforce their stereo volumes here more, or what, but we’ve been fortunate enough to not hear as many of those here.

I picked up 5 more postcards. One’s for Tammy and the girls. One’s for Larry, Sandy, and Jen. One’s for my folks. Then Kim and Andy will each get one.

Today I got tampons and liners, in case I have more than just a few spots before I get home. Also, panties, two sundresses, and mascara. I got black mascara and clear mascara, which is supposed to give you that wet look. Got a huge pink hair clip so I can clamp all of my hair in it after twisting it at the back of my head. I got some musical nail decals, too, but I ought to let my nails grow out more before I use them, so they’ll look better. Normally, I just keep my nails short cuz they fan out, have bad ridges, and look terrible.

We also checked out a computer store where he got a computer game and I got colored paper.

Anyway, California looks a lot like Phoenix, but its roads are awful. They’re old and beat up. The traffic jams are horrendous, but there sure are lots of pretty, colorful wildflowers.

Today we drove through L.A., Hollywood, Beverly Hills, and more.

Friday, April 17, 1998

 

We are now on our way to California. For real! As always, the scenery is gorgeous. We should arrive in maybe Anaheim, at 2 PM. Later... OK, we're in California, but the road's a little too bumpy to write.

Saturday, April 18, 1998

 

Once again, I awoke several times but still managed to sleep well enough.

I fell asleep before Tom and he says I woke up due to a horn-honking session. I also could’ve sworn I woke up to a few seconds of bass followed by shouting, but he doesn’t recollect any such thing.

Later…

We’re on our way back now. It’s a bit hard to write. I wrote more than I thought I would but haven’t done as much proofreading as I thought I would.

Anyway, we’re gonna be back between 6:00-7:00. In time for a later ball game or a possible party, but we’ll see.

So, are my packages there? Or did the freeloaders help themselves to them?

Sunday, April 19, 1998

 

Home again! It’s nice to be back home. I missed the animals, the stereo, and the comfort of my own bed. Hotel beds are always too hard.

First, I’ll get into how I feel this trip has helped/changed my attitude and the way I see life and other things, then I’ll wrap up the trip.

I feel more certain that not having a child is the best, and this trip has made me appreciate how things are all the more. Just the freedom and all that has made me sure about forgetting about seeing a fertility doctor, not just cuz it’s easier to talk than do, not just cuz I’ve had enough medically, but just cuz I love life too much these days to throw it away. Besides, what with all the bitching you hear from parents, it makes me wonder - is there really such a thing as “the joys of motherhood?” I suppose many people would call me spoiled and selfish, but I want to live life for my husband and myself. Not for something that’s just gonna be a costly, time-sucking, life-ending burden.

Shit! The freeloaders did get their yard enclosed after all. I see a wooden gate has been put up between the block wall and their washroom. So when they bring in the new dog, it’ll be huddled in that area where it can see the street and where it’s just outside our window, and it’ll bark non-stop. At least they kept their paws off my packages and there haven’t been any music or ball games yet.

Typical Andy. Instead of doing the favor I asked of him, he calls asking me to do him a favor. Does everything I say to him go in one ear and out the other? He should’ve known we’d be in CA. Nonetheless, it worked out fine.

So, like I said, I took lots of pictures. Believe it or not, we drove by some snowcapped mountains. It was weird seeing snow, flowers, and palm trees all at once.

We also drove through an area where there were tons and tons of huge windmills. Guess it was a pretty windy spot where they were, so they took advantage of it to make electricity that way.

So we drove through numerous cities within the L.A. area. I didn’t find Beverly Hills to be all that it’s cracked up to be, but some of the houses were beautiful. Drove by a lot of movie-making companies like United Artists, etc.

As usual, I loved the stuff my folks sent. They sent pretty new peach towels with shells on them, some other odds and ends, and a really beautiful collector’s teddy bear. It’s so cute and is supposed to be worth $200 - $300. It’s in a pretty dress, holding a matching umbrella, with a lamb on a ribbon as a leash, too. They also sent other stuffed animals. A mouse, a rabbit, and a few others.

They sent some exercise videos and I like this guy’s method better than Denise Austin’s, but I just don’t see how just a few exercises that take no time at all to do, can be that effective. And they guarantee fat and inch loss in 30 days. I’ll give it a try, but I still think my thin and firm days are a thing of the past. I also don’t know if she went out and bought these for me, or if she had them and decided she didn’t like them or was just sick of them or what.

I loved the tape of my dad and his bird. The funniest part was when he got a feather stuck in his mouth. Tom and I got lots of laughs from it.

Another tape she sent was the long-awaited tape of Tammy’s kids doing plays and singing. It was what I’d describe as both wonderful and awful. The younger kids’ singing and flute playing were way off-key, but I know they’re little kids and that’s to be expected. It was cute anyhow. Whoever was doing the filming, though, had a shaky arm and couldn’t seem to focus very well, and I also didn’t get what I expected of Lisa’s solo. She only sang for about 20 seconds, the music was 10 times louder than her, and I couldn’t make out a word. I thought she’d be doing a whole song that I’d be able to hear loud and clear, but the most important thing is that I have my nieces on video besides photos. It’s something that’ll always be very dear to me and that I’ll forever cherish.

Later…

Tom stopped at a 1-hour processing photo center and got in a while ago with the 98 shots I took of our trip. As usual, I look fat and geeky, but oh well.

Monday, April 20, 1998

 

It’s hot at last! Today and yesterday were around 90º. The only question is, will it stay this time? Or will it get cold again? We have the cooler on now, as well as fans going. Speaking of fans, at the motel, there was a little fan in the room. One of those 16” ones that go back and forth. So I never did use the sound machine. I used the fan, although neither could do much good. We had the ideal room and definitely the best room I’ve ever had before, but we were still on a busy street, so that brought some traffic noise in.

On our way back, we stopped at a bookstore and quitting buying journals might be sort of hard. I found one with music written on its cover. Something I’ve always wanted. It has flowers too, and it was really nice, so I got it.

Blackie was really, really friendly when we got back. He let us pat him like never before. Guess our absence really made him appreciate how good he has it.

There was a letter from Kim too, which enclosed her email address. Yes, she got her computer all set up and we exchanged a few messages.

Tom got the 98 pictures developed that I shot of our trip. As expected, I look huge and hideous. Anyway, I scanned some beach pictures for my folks and for Tammy and the girls. I scanned mostly beach photos, as well as a few that have signs saying Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, Hollywood, Santa Monica, etc.

While I was in the living room putting the pictures into photo albums, I heard someone yell something for a second that I couldn’t make out, then a few seconds later, they went off again for a second. The only word I could make out was “fuck.” I can’t even be sure if the voice was female or male, but I’m betting on it being the bitch I heard.

Just did my Tony Little exercises again, but still have my doubts as to how I could lose fat and inches with all these pounds, as well as by doing so little. Trying to firm up when you’re fat is like trying to polish nails with gloves on. It’s kind of like you gotta peel a banana before you can eat it, right? Well, you kind of gotta peel off the pounds before you can really shape and tone anything. Being at your ideal weight and toning up go hand in hand. I didn’t start getting any muscle till after I had lost the weight I lost back when I was 19.

Tuesday, April 21, 1998

 

In case I didn’t already say, last weekend was peaceful. All I heard was just a few door slams. So, that means that next weekend we’ll be in for ball games and shit like that since they seem to be making a scene every other weekend lately.

In good news, el cocko hasn’t been around for at least a couple of days. I didn’t hear any car doors last night and Tom couldn’t see for sure, since he’s got a dark car and parks so deep, but he didn’t think there was a car there late last night. I also haven’t heard any doors today, so hopefully he’ll be gone for more than a week, but I doubt it. He’ll probably come in tonight or tomorrow night, but before the weekend for sure.

My parents confirmed that that little old picture was Papa Joe. She says she’s gonna send that back to me, along with tons more.

I had to play phone with Andy for over an hour, just to hear the same old shit, but I’m not like my mother, so I didn’t tell him to shut up cuz I’ve heard it before. I just let him get it all out.

He said today’s Marla’s birthday. She’s 48, so I left her a birthday message. I also updated her on Andy’s life, which isn’t too good. He’s still jobless, admitted too lazy to go out and look for a job, hanging more and more with Quinn (as Andy admits - he only cares about looks. Not personality), and he relapsed and got stoned big time. Two guys who are totally obsessed with Laura are constantly calling and going over there, too.

He’s also still torn between staying here with this climate or going back east for a shot at a relationship with David. He’s gonna test the waters with David in July when he goes for a visit.

The weather was gorgeous again today and it looks like summer’s finally here to stay. Tom says it’s supposed to cool down this weekend and rain, but it won’t get cold enough to turn heaters on. Of course I know now that a cool, damp, rainy day won’t stop this weekend’s ball game.

Tom mowed our yard with his parents’ electric mower. It’s great too, cuz it has a bag that catches the cut grass.

He’s gonna call tomorrow to make an appointment for someone to come out and look at the vents for putting in a new AC/heat pump. Yippee! Of course, he’s still too scared and uninterested in making a doctor’s appointment, but I’m not interested in seeing a doctor, either. That is unless this exercise program hasn’t affected me by May 20th. If it hasn’t, and if I keep having such strange and erratic periods and spotting, I may have to look for a doctor myself, then go rule out the possibility that something’s wrong, or see if I can fix it if there is something wrong. I think it’s just God playing games and reminding me who controls this body. That’s fine, God, I don’t want a child. I would like to be thin, but I still have some very serious doubts that that’ll ever be again. My disgusting weight and measurements are 125 pounds and my measurements are 38/30/38. I’d like to be 100 pounds and measure 33/23/33, but if that’s not possible I’ll settle for 110 pounds and measurements of 35/25/35.

Later…

Heeeeeeeerrre’s the freeloader. At least it’s still slamming and not basing. On the other hand, there was no one home earlier, so that could be the bitch and animal being dropped off, who knows?

Later…

That was definitely the bitch’s ride that drove her in and the black cock’s definitely there now. It came in with the music soft, but I know that’s his way of testing me. I know this is his lead-up to loud music.

Oh, this fucking freeloader! Kill it, God, kill it!

Speaking of God, I am very very proud of him (and surprised) cuz just when I thought there was no such thing (besides me nowadays) as a “happy sterile woman,” I find that there is. Laura doesn’t use protection but says there’s obviously something wrong with her. She thinks it’s the drugs. Very possible. I think that’s what sterilized me per God’s will. But the good thing about it is that this built-in birth control system has gone to a woman who actually wants one!

Wednesday, April 22, 1998

 

Just left Kim some emails and said goodbye to Evie and told them to have a good time in CA. I’m sure I’ll have quite the email from her when she gets back. Again, I don’t know how she can find the time to sit and send me so many emails and how this family of 4 can take off as much as they do, but postal employees do make a lot of money. I don’t envy her, though. Packing and traveling when there are just two adults is a bitch and is tiring, so I couldn’t imagine having to handle and survive lugging kids along. That’d not only be an impossible burden that’d steal any privacy and time alone away from us, but it would also detract from the whole vacation itself.

I thank God for allowing me to no longer desire a child. There’s nothing worse in life than having something impossible just eat and eat away at you. I’d never have been able to get by both God and Tom, had I wasted my time going to a doctor. So I’m proud of myself for not going, cuz even if God/devil didn’t exist, the fact that Tom wouldn’t squirt for them or do anything that they suggested to help us, would always have been a factor. He’d have conned us out of a kid, even if it were possible, although I don’t think the doctors would’ve been stupid. I think they’d have been able to see that Tom believes he’s sincere when he says he wants a kid, but that deep down, that’s a whole different story. Some of it may be in his conscious from statements he’s made against having a kid when we first met. But then he just kind of gave in and was like “yeah, yeah” and just going along with me to tell me what I had wanted to hear. I don’t condone his doing that, but that’s all in the past. Now we can move on to bigger, better dreams that I can handle and that we both want. And now I can be glad he doesn’t want a child and that he won’t mention it if I don’t, whether it’s subconscious or not, cuz you always want to have common goals with the one you love. When you have a major thing that one wants while the other doesn’t, it’s tough. The one with the tools, power, etc., to get their way, will be the one to win (like Tom would always win with the kid if I had continued to want that, cuz he’s the one with the dick who can conveniently not be able to get off during mid-cycle), but still, it’s nice to both want big things like with our moving. I may want to move more than he does, but at least he does want to move, too.

The only other thing that I think he’s not honest about is how much he says he wants sex. Even when there is an opportunity for more sex, he doesn’t take it, but like I said, I no longer have a big appetite for sex, I’m bored with our sex. You get sick of doing the same old things with the same old person after so long, but this does not mean that I love him any less and don’t want to be with him. I love him to death and I want to be with him forever. Nowadays, I prefer to just take care of myself. This way I can hit the right spot and go at my own pace. A partner can’t do this as well for you. Even a good one and even one with the same body parts. So, I told him he could order me a vibrator from this catalog, but I don’t know if he will. He won’t admit this, but I don’t think he’s too thrilled about my using a vibrator and therefore, he’ll stall on the order. Hey, we all use a little something, don’t we? He uses vitamin E to up his appetite (not that I think it’s worked) cuz he doesn’t desire me enough naturally. Well, I think it’s more the baby fear that snuffs his appetite since he’s always said sex is a mental thing for him and not what he sees with his eyeballs. For once, he told the truth when it came to sex! Maybe someday I’ll need a hysterectomy. That way I won’t have to deal with periods, and he won’t have to have any lingering doubts as to me being infertile. Speaking of infertility, and weird periods, I asked my mom’s opinion. She too, feels what’s gone on with me is normal. Good, cuz I don’t have any bad vibes and I know God’s not gonna spoil me. He may let me off the hook as far as wanting a kid/being burdened with one, but he’s not gonna free me of those periods just yet! That’s OK, though. We can’t have it all.

Tom was right about those potatoes. They really do clean you out and help with being more regular. Instead of shitting every other day, I actually have some days where I shit just 24 hours after my last shit! Whoopee!

Speaking of how he hops to it when it comes to the things he really wants (this is human nature, though), he called for an appointment for them to come out and check things over for an AC/heat pump.

Tom brought home a little white, round, plastic table with a hole in its center for its umbrella from Ma’s and it is sooo nice! The umbrella’s got ugly colors, but who cares? It’s just so nice to have.

According to Tom, the freeloader’s Jeep was in its carport as he pulled in at 1 PM. Back for lunch again? Either way, that better not have been the freeloader’s music I heard blaring away as I was getting up. I heard it leave later in the afternoon, but not by way of music. I heard it yelling and laughing with God knows who, then off it went.

Later…

I’m gonna be forced to feed White Paws if I want Blackie to eat. This stupid little fuck is doing the same thing he did to Bunny when I wouldn’t feed him, and he’s chasing off Blackie so he can’t eat. And the fact that I kicked at him real hard right before he chased him off did nothing to scare him. He just keeps coming back for more.

Thursday, April 23, 1998

 

Freeloader update - apparently, the fuck’s driving yet another car, the little shit. A couple of different cars were there today, but there’s still been no music. Just door slamming and just hours of ball games to come this weekend. I can’t wait!

I wouldn’t be surprised if the freeloader blasted off periodically just to be able to say he rebelled against me and got his way as far as that goes. He wouldn’t want to be completely controlled. Gotta be somewhat of an opposite-of-what-someone-asks/wants doer. God, they’re soooo obsessed with me hearing them one way or the other. That’s kind of scary in a way when someone wants you to notice them that bad.

I mailed off a manila envelope with several sheets of old journal stuff and current journal drafts to Bob. He’ll have plenty to read for a while. I hope he gets it OK and that no guard or inmate steals any of the shit I sent out of spite. They wouldn’t even take the time to read it, either. They’d just take it just to be taking it. This will be it for him for a while. He’s not worth all the postage as it is.

Well, Tom’s mom’s sister Margaret had to be put away. She has a chemical imbalance and cannot distinguish fantasy from reality or right and wrong. She hears voices and is quite delusional. Now she’ll be safe and so will others, as sad as it is.

I got to thinking about Tammy and you know, once again, I’m sick of her shit. I’m sick of her paranoia, her lies, her exaggerations, her jealousy, her being so into herself and not giving a shit about shit she can’t relate to or gain by, and her false accusations. And I told my folks this in my email to them. I figured that if they could go bitch to Tammy about me like they did when she visited them, I can bitch about her. The only difference is that she’ll never know about it. They won’t ask me to talk to her like they asked her to talk to me. Maybe I was just as wrong and childish as they all were, but I did nothing wrong. I’m sorry if an innocent comment I made led Tammy to hear stuff she didn’t want to hear, but I didn’t mean her any harm. She may as well ignore me for telling Larry the weather’s hot here. In Ma’s reply, she said:

"I understand your frustrations with Tammy. She has never changed. I have stayed by her side and supported her since she was a little girl. However, I have reached my limit. Too many lies and sympathy episodes have reduced her credibility with so many people including me."

Well, my mother hasn’t always been by her side and supportive of her, but even so, I’m gonna back off for a while and not contact her as long as she doesn’t contact me. I just hope Lisa knows she can call me and that this has nothing to do with her. I don’t hate my sister. I don’t wish her any harm, but I’m just sick of her and her ways. No one can change Tammy but Tammy herself and I have no right to demand she change, but I can avoid her for now.

I had a full flow and really bad cramps. Worse than they’ve been in a long time. Some weird shit came out, too, but at this time, I’m no longer sure what the hell it was. I was just glad when the pain subsided. The flow didn’t last long, though, and my tits are still a bit sore.

Got another package today from my folks. I think this was box #10.

There were some knickknacks, as usual, and a candle holder made of thin iron vine-like things with purple flowers. Well, I had that fake cactus with purple flowers so I put it in this holder. It looks nice.

She sent some pictures and some really cute picture frames. One was a dog-shaped one with a picture of Heidi and Max in it. There were some frames of metal with shapes of leaves and flowers. The flowers were magenta. I kept the picture she had of Dad in one of them, then put an old picture of Tom, Mary, Steve, Ray and David in the other one. She sent a couple of big ones of me when I was around 4 and a couple when I was 24 that Kacey took. Tom liked the ones of me when I was little, but he said I was too anorexic looking in the ones Kacey shot. Of course, I think I looked fine. But hey, I was young and had never had kids. If Tom and I had had a kid, I’d be in the 150s. So I guess I better not bitch about being the 125 pounds that my body’s just come to be obsessed with being if I’m right about God standing by to make sure this inch/fat loss program doesn’t work.

They also sent a painting that I like cuz of its palm trees, but the hordes of fat black women kind of detract from that. I still have it in the living room, though.

There were two little stuffed dogs, a Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse magnet that’s so cute and on the fridge, and two bushels of pretty white carnations. I’ve got those on top of the fridge in that old vase from Tom’s mom with desert plants painted on it.

Friday, April 24, 1998

 

The weekend sure crept up fast on me and I’m sure it’ll be nothing but noise, noise, and more noise. Tom said there was nothing parked in the carport last night. That’s weird, cuz he went door slamming away at 8 PM. Here’s something even weirder. If I hadn’t happened to pop my head out the front window when I did, I wouldn’t have seen his old gray car come in quiet as a mouse. There wasn’t even any door slamming. No music and no door slamming! Amazing, huh? Cuz it’s always been one or the other. Maybe he decided he didn’t want me to know he was there, but that’ll be the day!

It’s too bad I don’t want to gain weight, cuz exercising really puts them pounds on me! It’s fucking ridiculous; working out to gain weight, but this is exactly what’s happening to me. It’s like God’s saying, “You go against me and try to lose weight, and I won’t just see to it that you don’t, but I’ll make you gain weight.” Well, I’m still gonna go the whole 30 days that they guarantee inch loss by, just to prove that I’m no paranoid nut with the ominous, negative vibe I have about something up there standing by to make sure I stay right at the same measurements/weight. I wish I could say I’ll end up wrong, but no way. I know something up there won’t let these measurements/weight budge. But why? All because I can breathe? Shit! I may as well have to pay just for being alive, although I still have my spells where I’m tight, wheezy, and congested. I woke up a few hours after crashing (I forgot that God was gonna make up for all that sleep time I racked up) and I was congested. So cuz of that and having a hard time going back to sleep, I took a Benadryl and slept later than I’d have liked to. So I guess I have to choose between sleeping around 4 hours or 12 hours when I crash.

I was telling Tom about what Ma said about Tammy. It just goes to prove that she really will bad-mouth one daughter to the other. She really will talk bad about her own kids, and even if what she has to say is true, that’s still something a parent should only mention to the other parent (if they’re around) or to the kid that they’re having trouble with. 

Saturday, April 25, 1998

 

No naughty freeloaders today. Just a few door slams were all I heard, except the little girl that lives next to them did come to play ball. She was gone as quickly as she came, though. Good. She has her own hoop to play with.

Tom got a 5-minute phone card with his Pepsi purchase today, so I sent it to Andy, along with a wacky letter.

The pig cage is pretty much done, but it’s got to set for a while. It’s outside and hopefully the cats won’t destroy it.

Tom got a new table with a hole in its center for an umbrella. The one ma used cracked cuz we didn’t have an anchor for the umbrella, which is really heavy. So when it toppled over in the wind, the weight of the umbrella cracked the plastic table.

Blackie is so playful. He even let Tom and I pick him up!

I shit twice today. Something I haven’t done in a long time, so there’s no way I’ll shit tomorrow. I lost a pound or two and even might’ve lost a half-inch or so, but I don’t know. We’ll just have to see where I am come May 20th.

I’m recording a movie about that Mexican singer Selena who was shot by one of her employees. Some older lady shot her, but I don’t know the entire story yet. It’ll be done taping in a little while.

Sunday, April 26, 1998

 

Maybe seeing this movie was a dumb idea. It’s now got so many emotions and thoughts running through my head! At first, I thought, here’s this woman who got married at some point during her career, was all set to have a kid, but never got the chance cuz God allowed a sick employee of hers to shoot her. But me? I’ve got a very slim, but a chance nonetheless, if I’d just quit what-iffing and go to a doctor. Fuck putting my life on hold to visit my parents. Fuck making them proud. Fuck my being paranoid about Tom’s not wanting a kid deep in his subconscious and manipulating the doctors by not upping the amount of sex we have, by not giving them his cum, and by not doing whatever they suggest.

And then it’s right back to reality. No, I can’t have a kid. Not naturally, not by a doctor, not by adoption, and no, I do not have a chance. I do not deserve it, could never handle it, and God didn’t make me this incompetent and this sterile without a reason. I can’t go against his plans for me. I can’t defeat the purpose of our moving, which is so we can live in peace. I can’t be bogged down and risk this relationship. We can’t have more sex for reasons in and out of our control. A doctor can’t help me, whether or not we both cooperate. I couldn’t handle a child if one fell on me right now. I’ve been down that road before where I fought this hopeless battle so I know I cannot ever have a child and I’m not gonna set myself up to plummet again. Not now, not later, not in any way shape, or form. God knows what’s best for me. He knows what I can and cannot handle. He knows what I’m worthy of and yes, I do owe my parents a visit.

As far as a kid ever goes - I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. There’s no getting by that. I cannot have a child. No matter what we do, where we go, etc. God wants us to have sex infrequently for a reason. He wants Tom to cum rarely for a reason. And I don’t want my husband to feel he has to change on account of me. My dream of having a child was, is, and will always be 100% impossible.

I also believe that if my husband really wanted a kid all that bad (not that he’d run if we had one tomorrow), and if he really thought I could handle that, and could have a child in the first place, then I’m sure he’d push me all the more to do whatever it took to achieve a child. And I don’t mean he’d push me in a bad way. But I believe my husband knows deep down, but maybe not consciously, that his wife is not only as sterile as a doorknob but is in no way shape or form capable of motherhood.

So with this, I remind myself that it’s OK to have dreams, although this particular dream isn’t what I’d call much of a dream these days. Not after what I’ve seen my brother, sister, and others go through. Not with how much I appreciate and value my freedom, my sleep, my life, and want to move. I took all this freedom for granted for a while and I could never imagine giving it up and hell, I can barely keep up with my own self, let alone take care of something that doesn’t have fur or feathers.

Monday, April 27, 1998

 

There were absolutely no ball games other than the little girl next door to them who was there for barely a minute. I was shocked. In fact, he may not even be there. It left sometime in the late afternoon, quiet as a mouse, and I haven’t heard any slamming suggesting it came back. So unless it came back just as quietly, it ain’t there.

I feel much better today emotionally. I came back to reality really fast and back to appreciating how things are and this freedom that God’s given me. Most women will never have what I’ve got. I always felt a little self-deprivation did a soul well, so even if I do have my weak moments where I want the impossible, it’s OK. I think things are going great and I can’t complain about how my life’s been and how it seems to be going.

We screwed today. It was both nice and boring. He chose the racy heart as his excuse to bail out of cumming. I wish he’d just hang it up. Why does he feel he’s gotta make excuses for not doing stuff he doesn’t want to do?

Speaking of hanging things up, it’s not May 20th yet, but there’s no significant change in my body/weight, and I still have that sure feeling that God doesn’t want me to change how I look, so I’m not holding my breath for May 20th. Like I said, there comes a time to just accept ourselves as we are and quit driving ourselves crazy hopelessly trying to change the impossible (this is my last time trying to lose weight)! Thank God I’m not doing that anymore with the kid. It really made me miserable to not only want the impossible but to keep beating my head in walls uselessly. There’d never have been a way past God and Tom. As I told Kim, I always wanted to not want a child.

I worry about Kim. I’m afraid she’s going through a similar situation that I went through, and probably always will with Tom (just cuz I came to not want a child, doesn’t mean he’ll realize/admit that he doesn’t either). He’s obsessed with being the opposite of me. Back when I said I wanted a kid, the only reason he went along and agreed was to tell me what I wanted to hear. It was in his best interest to go along with me. Anyway, Walter suddenly wants kids. Sounds too convenient. I think he’s just saying that to get Kim back and I fear her getting hurt. If they get married and she offs the birth control, what’s to say his little weenie won’t dry up, too? Or what if she does get pregnant? What kind of father would he be? A resentful one? Would he even stick around? Well, I hope the paranoid feelings I have about her and Walter are wrong. I just want her to be happy. She’s too good of a person to get burned.

And speaking of burning, I told that shit sister of mine just how I feel in a letter about her paranoia, her lies, her exaggerations, her sympathy trips, etc., and to feel free to keep on giving me the silent treatment. That fuck of a sister of mine! I really worry about Lisa, though. Tom says he’s sure she remembers/knows she can contact me, but is he sure? I miss her and I hope that someday, some way, we can see each other again.

Now God, if you’re not gonna let me lose weight or gain something nice, then quit waking me up. Sorry, but I’m not gonna pay for a human being’s right to sleep.

I fucking woke up at least once an hour a couple of nights ago, and last night, again with the waking up after 4 hours.

Velvet’s all moved into his new cage. I love it, but I think he still needs some getting used to it. It’s smaller than the 2’ x 8’ hutch. It’s 2’ x 2’ which is the perfect pig size. It’s all Plexiglas too, and not all wood. Now you don’t have to walk up to the cage to see him. Tom sealed the sides with a type of silicone like they use to make aquariums leak-proof.

Tweety’s also got a new home, too. Same cage, different location. He now hangs over the pig’s cage. The pig’s cage sits right under a shelf with a fancy bracket that’s got a curved area I can use as a hook to hang the cage. Now things will be much less messy. Now we won’t have to deal with his seeds all over the kitchen floor and counter. It’ll mostly go into the pig’s cage and the rest will be out of the way and easier to vacuum up. I think Tweety will also like it better where he is, too, cuz he can see the sunrise and sunset better from where he is and I think birds like that. He may feel more comfortable being around other animals, too, even if they’re rodents.

Later…

Periodically, I do a Jenny Seagrove search on AOL to see if anything new has been added and I found a little collage of 7 pictures of her taken from one of her movies. Even though I could make these pictures myself, I zapped them into my wallpaper file anyway. The damn thing’s huge, though, and it doesn’t fit on the screen as wallpaper. It’s fine as a screensaver, though.

A silver Caddy that I’ve seen drop the bitch and animal off, came to do just that again today. Real quiet. Just a couple of doors shut not too hard. The bitch was too lazy to take her recycle bin in, cuz it’s still there. El cocko himself is parked out front now. He came in quietly too, with one quiet door. Is he going out again this late? And if so, is he coming back?

I got a good look at the bitch’s driver today and this was definitely, without a doubt, your classic black drug dealer. A young black boy in a fancy car like that? I don’t think so! I wouldn’t be surprised if the bitch didn’t work at all, but really goes off to wherever the crack house is, since most dealers won’t deal from their homes, and helps with the dealing. Anyway, these freeloaders can make a quick buck without lifting a finger and by being able to bum off the city and whatever other benefits they can get for nothing.

Tom was doing the TV scene and now he’s racing cars on the computer. He loves to race that car and watch that TV more than he loves to do me, but I’ll take care of myself in my own way, at my own pace, later after he goes to work.

I told him my stomach was bothering me so I wouldn’t end up pissed that he didn’t touch me and I knew he wouldn’t, too. It’s not that I want to be touched tonight, it’s the principle of the point - him and his damn mixed signals. He says he wants more sex, and when there’s the opportunity for it, he doesn’t act on it. Why is this man so hooked on saying one thing and doing another? That’s what bugs me the most. Is that he doesn’t do what he says. And I wish he’d hang up the racy hearts and other excuses and just do what he wants to do. I don’t like his making excuses to cover for his own low drive/fears.

On the other hand, I love this man to death for making me see just how those potatoes really do clean you out! If this keeps up, God permitting, I’ll never be stuck again.

Tuesday, April 28, 1998

 

I told Tom my stomach was better many hours before he had to go to work. I figured that rather than jump the gun and assume my vibe, feeling, belief, whatever, was correct, I’d see for myself while there was still plenty of time. Sure enough, he never touched me. Then when I told him how I felt about his mixed signals and his not putting his actions where his mouth is, he just laughed. Yeah, well you just wait till I cut out sex altogether, buddy! That’s where these years of complications, mixed signals, excuses, and lies, are gonna lead to.

The freeloader’s car is still parked out front. His old gray car. I haven’t known it to park exposed like that out of the carport in ages.

Wednesday, April 29, 1998

 

Changed things around in the back room. It looks nice.

Ma says she’s got pictures of their new place on their way to me.

I’ve exchanged emails with Kim, but haven’t heard from Marla.

As usual, I couldn’t go back to sleep after I woke up (this time 6 hours into my sleep) and I knew that if I took a Benadryl I’d sleep more than just two more hours. I’d sleep into the early evening. I still took the Benadryl, though, cuz I’ve got to start gearing towards days so I can see that hot Melanie next Monday!

To my utter amazement, this workout program that I’m doing is really starting to work. I woke up at 122 and have shrunk a little. I’ve still got a long way to go and who knows if I’ll still really get there? It’s pretty much at the start of my day only that there’s a difference. By the end of my day, I’m pretty much back to the way I have been and my tummy’s back out again. Right now I feel like I’m back to 124. Let me go check.

Yeah, I’m 124 right on the nose. What? Is God teasing me? Is he gonna make it look like I’m about to lose weight, then kick me back up to the usual, or what?

Also, the freeloader’s there cuz I heard it slam doors at 10:30.

Later…

I forgot to say that Andy left a message thanking me for the 5-minute phone card that turned out to be a 7-minute one. He said his sister Linda’s birthday was Sunday, so he called her.

He also said he’s still jobless by his own choice cuz he can afford to be and he doesn’t want anyone harassing him about it. It’s his life, so why would I harass him about it? But how can he afford to? He’s back on the pot, so isn’t all his extra money going into that?

[clarktooncrossing]

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT'S ME, CLARK!

The Clarktooniverse is home to many strange characters. A gang of reptiles who encounter the supernatural on a daily basis, people who can transform into dinosaurs, robots, a sentient space anomaly from another dimension, monsters based on food, alien rock stars, at least one super powered cow, and a geeky giraffe who wants to be a cartoonist. Whenever they're not watching B-Movies at Wonder Ziggy's Drive In, facing off against raptors on motorbikes, or simply shopping at the local OK Mart, this wild cast of weirdos are off on amazing adventures around the globe and beyond. For those who've always wondered what the everyday life is for the Clarktoons, you've finally got your chance to ask. Any questions?

Democrat. Republican. Why split hairs when you can vote on a seemingly ageless ghost?

For that matter, why have a thread on your Discord server labeled #asktheclarktoons if you're never gonna answer any questions. That was once a problem on my original server before some douchebag hacker stole my account. If said hacker is reading this: here's hoping you step on a Lego brick you prat! Putting that aside, my new server brought back the thread with the goal being to actually have my characters answer the questions presented this time around. Now having said that, this inquiry actually comes from Grendel's server and was technically already answered. Still, the idea of my resident floating marshmallow making a speech behind a Presidential podium was too cute to resist. Add in the fact that the United States is in the midst of an election year and I have a recipe for a fun pic. One that was relatively quick to make as hoped. Helping matters was my reuse of assets made from other projects. Specifically I recycled the podium and flags from Panicked Turkey's Guide to Thanksgiving. Well, that was easy!

As fun as this was to create, I did run into one snafu. For those of you who don't know, Adobe Illustrator is what's used to help create my digital images. Yes, that's in spite of their programs now featuring AI, much to my annoyance. They are the EA of the graphic design world. So much so that the government is legit suing the company at the time of my posting this. Hearing this brought me so much joy. Cuz if I could find a cheap alternative to this crap, I'd trade up in a heartbeat. For my original plan was to do all of this in black and white before randomly deciding to switch over to color. The end result looked fantastic! Not so much for the original grayscale edition. Whenever it was exported the shading on the flags would appear through the word bubbles, much to my frustration. It got so bad that I actually broke a ruler. Thankfully the problem has been solved as you can see.

Please enjoy this comic and remember to vote for Bumper 2024. They Believe in BOO!

[1lostsoul0fishbowl]

LOOK HOW ADORABLE THEY ARE 🥰😭🥰 just love these silly boys!!!

Thank you @macau1ay for not laughing at the geeky pose I picked for them— I like to imagine they saw some drunk sorority girls posing this way and Grant sighed that he couldn’t remember the last time anyone was able to pick him up, and Jeff was just like “say no more, boo” 😂

@1lostsoul0fishbowl A commission of Corroded Coffin!!! Thank you so much for commissioning me 🫶🫶

[99liners]

pregnancy a⇝z hcs: adronitis!knj;

pairing: professor!kim namjoon x trophy wife!reader

original oneshot: adronitis (it is advisable to read the oneshot first)

warnings: soft yandere!knj, toxic relationship dynamic.

part of: tatemae; 建前 — a bts series

A ⇝ AFFECTION

on a scale of 1 — 10, knj would get a score of maybe 5.5 to 5.9. it is not like he is stoic or tsundere, he is just too old for this shit. take it from an INTP, introverted intellectuals do not necessarily feel the need to express affection the way most people do. mind you, he absolutely adores you as he is the one who wanted the baby with only you. so, of course he makes sure to shower you in as much affection as he can but in general, it is just not that much, you know?

B ⇝ BUMP

come on boo, he is a scientist. yes, not a major in biology but still he has the general knowledge of everything that exists in the discovered universe. that would make you think he would be very chill with the bump, right? wrong, he is so fascinated, lol. my mans has the first 21 digits of the value of pi on the tip of his fingers but your growing bump always amuses him. a human is growing inside in it and he is like that super geeky nerdy kid staring at science unfolding.  

C ⇝ CRAVINGS

he is very chill with your cravings. whatever you want to eat, you are allowed to eat and drink as long as you and the baby are healthy and the food item is not harmful for the development of the baby. he does not necessarily keep an eye or check on what you eat. indulges almost every craving of yours.

D ⇝ DUE DATE

literally had the due date engraved on the back of his palm. could not wait to meet the baby girl and was so excited, as well. visibly-outwardly-expressive excited for the baby to be born. 

E ⇝ EMOTIONS

some days he gets extremely emotional and becomes putty in your hands over the fact that he is going to become a father now and needs to become more responsible / earn more money for her future, other days he is normal as usual. paternal-mood-swings.

F ⇝ FAMILY

knj loves the fact that both set of parents are available and within close quarters to come help you out anytime you require, especially when knj is away for work purposes. wants his kid to be close to both the set of grandparents and get all the love that she deserves.

G ⇝ GENDER

you both wanted to know the gender and were really anticipating the baby to be a girl and the universe granted your wishes. the sheer look of joy on both your faces when you found out that the pair of you, are in fact, going to have a little baby girl.

H ⇝ HEARTBEAT

does not always get to observe it as he can only spare weekends to accompany you for the ultrasounds but loves it when the sensor monitor picks up the heartbeat — undoubtedly his favourite part of the ultrasounds.

I ⇝ “I LOVE YOU”

oh, he never shies away from reminding you how much he loves you and how you are the only one for him. it is almost like a bittersweet reminder of your status in his life.  

J ⇝ JEALOUSY

knj is far from the worries of this world. he is bigger than jealousy and any other similar kind of emotions. he is very chill in general and does not find anything to be jealous of. he is cocky like that, he is very confident about what and who is his and how it will all (always) remain his and his only. 

K ⇝ KICKS

the baby never kicks when knj is around xD. no matter what day or time it is, if knj is around, the baby ain’t going to kick. he tries to feel it every now and then but never really gets to feel it. ever.

L ⇝ LABOUR

knj was calm for the most of it. he was your rock really and held his posture till the last minute so you would be able to gain some strength from him but the moment he held moon in his arms for the first time, he would start crying. he would rest his forehead gently against the new-born enclosed securely between his arms and wordlessly thank the universe for blessing him with the baby girl. moon is literally the moon of his life.

M ⇝ MORNING SICKNESS

a lot like nodus tollens!pjm, knj was always there for you to ease out your nausea in any way possible. always at your beck and call to massage the sore joints.

N ⇝ NURSERY

dilf!knj at your service to move whatever furniture needs to be moved, assembled, repaired, painted/repainted. he would do it all by himself happily and would enjoy every second of it. would plan out the whole nursery with you and then get into action right away. would spend hours in the every shop before buying anything — weighing the pros and cons for the benefit of the baby. “are you absolutely sure the smell of the polished wood would not adversely affect the baby?” (nearly got banned from ikea, lol)

O ⇝ OBSESSION

well, his obsession was the baby itself. the initial gestation period was torturous for you cause you had to endure pregnancy and become used to the idea of being a mother just because of the fact that knj wanted a baby so you would never be able to leave him anymore. he went so far as to using physical violence against you when you wanted to abort the baby. it did not matter that you were emotionally and mentally not ready for the baby, he had already made the decision for the pair of you and that is how it ultimately went down for you.

P ⇝ POST BIRTH

he was actually saving his day-offs to take a paternity leave when the baby arrives. he would help you out with the household chores as much as possible to allow you some rest. knj would mostly be stuck to his daughter ehehe, they are inseparable and always enjoying each others’ company. little moon rarely cries in her father’s arms.

Q ⇝ QUESTIONS

knj bothers enouement!kth if moon so much as sneezes. frustrated kth once blocked his number and knj went ahead and called him up through your phone, lol.

knj’s google search history:

“how to hold the baby so she does not break?”

“will baby die if she eats glitter?”

“why won’t my baby smile on seeing me?”

“why won’t my baby sleep when i put her down in the crib?”

“do babies have memory from when they were eight months old?” (refer to the random facts section to know why)

R ⇝ RANDOM FACTS

well, no one can know this but eight-months old moon once remotely drove a mars rover into a pit. 

you had gone out with your friends for a girls’ night out and knj was home with moon. at the moment, he was working with NASA on one of their mars rovers with the latest equipments and technology. he is not exactly responsible for driving the mars rover but the intern (hyeonsu) under him who was handling the operation messed up somehow. the rover was not responding so hyeonsu called knj over to the control room. knj, of course, could not leave moon alone at home so he took her long with him. he made her sit on the desk near the keyboard cause there were no other place to set her down. he tried to run some simulations with hyeonsu to get the connection back but nothing worked. 

while the two men were discussing something, moon, whose eyes were stuck to the humongous screen in front of her, advanced and tapped on a random button on the keyboard. the next thing they know, the rover made a mechanical sound and started rolling only to fall right inside a pit. knj and hyeonsu watched the screen absolutely mortified, moon giggling while watching the rover stuck in the pit trying to go forward but failing. the men did their best to undo it but nothing worked. they, unanimously, deleted all the login data and any evidence of the three of them being in the control room and left like nothing ever happened. to this day, no one knows why the NASA mars rover which costs millions of dollars had to be ultimately abandoned cause of an eight-month toddler. hyeonsu and knj have a silent agreement and they never talk about it. no one knows, not even you.  

S ⇝ SCANS

knj is not always there to attend every ultrasound but he knows when you have one and afterwards when he comes back, he always asks to look at the scans. “look, she has grown so much, little dove”

T ⇝ TEST

well, we were all witness to how the pregnancy test took place in the one-shot itself. he wanted you pregnant and bam, there you go missing periods and then one day you take the test and call him up while he is in the middle of teaching a class. normally, he would be a bit peeved about it but when he understood why you had called — the sinister smile on his face. the sudden outburst of affection, going as far as reminding you that he loves you and that he would see you soon while you are literally losing your shit on receiving a positive pregnancy test. 

U ⇝ ULTRASOUND

if it is on a weekend then he would accompany, but if not then do not expect him to miss out on his experiments/classes to attend the ultrasound. it isn’t like he is cold, he just does not see the point of bailing out of work. he feels responsible for his students, also, being an accomplished scientist; he has a lot on his plate. when he does come to the ultrasounds, he always has a smile on his face and takes care of you.  

V ⇝ VISITS

he is not the strict type regarding these things but would detest if too many relatives would want to come over. might even talk with them in a rude tone if need be but would never, like, banish them. he likes having people over and it would mostly depend on what you want. if you want people over and can handle the pressure of taking care of the baby while also catering to the guests — oh well, who is he to say no. frequent visitors consist of enouement!couple, aphotic!couple, your and knj’s parents.

W ⇝ WAITING

oh, he is the epitome of patience. knj has, time and again, made it very clear that he wants every want of his kid taken care of. he would never bother you when you are with the baby and would patiently wait to be with you. loves to watch you bond with the baby and watches with stars sparkling in his eyes.

X ⇝ XXX

he is the god of destruction so he would really avoid having sex during your pregnancy but it is actually you who feels extra horny so he is glad to indulge you. howbeit, throughout the act, he treats you like you are made of porcelain — slow touches, soft thrusts, careful handling, no tugging or pushing — basically just lay there and he will make you feel amazing but you ain’t having that. you want in on the action but he is not going to tolerate any of those shenanigans either. he will tie you down if he has to but would not let you move too much.

Y ⇝ YOU

oh, knj was very clear that you were the only one with whom he ever wanted kids. he rarely felt attracted to anyone before meeting you, but after being with you, boy was he spellbound. you made him feel things that all his previous girlfriends failed at. he knew from the very beginning that you are the only person who could have a shot at a future with him. plus, he knows how smart your kid is going to be — two set of physicist genes, that is some powerful shit, bruh.

Z ⇝ ZZZ

not the snuggly type in general but when moon sleeps in your bedroom, he always cuddles with her and moon, also, is slightly dad biased (like most daughters). often when you wake up in the middle of the night to drink some water, you always notice that your daughter, who had fallen asleep snuggling into your warmth is now pressed against her dad’s chest, protected by his huge arms compared to her small delicate body. her small hand clutching on the material of knj’s t-shirt.

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶༉‧₊˚.

feedback is deeply appreciated.✨

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- jaimie.

© 𝟫𝟫𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓇𝓈, 𝟐𝟎𝟤𝟣. 𝔩𝔦𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔯𝔶 𝔯𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱𝔰 𝔯𝔢𝔰𝔢𝔯𝔳𝔢𝔡. 𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔠𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔫 𝔱𝔢𝔪𝔭𝔩𝔞𝔱𝔢 𝔠𝔯𝔢𝔡𝔦𝔱 𝔟𝔢𝔩𝔬𝔫𝔤𝔰 𝔱𝔬 @blu-joons​.

[byuntrash101]

PARAPHILIA - Part 2

Pairing: Privé!Baekhyun x Reader; CEO!Baekhyun x Reader

Genre: EstablishedRelationship!AU, CamCouple!AU, slice of life, smut

Tags: dom/sub dynamics, bratty OC (a lil' bit), orgasm control, orgasm denial, edging, overstimulation, toys, (light) bondage, masturbation (f), oral (m), angry sex, name calling (at the end)

Raiting: +18 (what's new though? 😂)

Word count: 3.8k

Summary: when your (very) busy boyfriend Baekhyun is called back to work to manage his company you decide to make him regret it with (very) suggestive videos.

A/N: I don't know how many times I discarded and started over this chapter but I actually like the way it turned out 💃. Don't hesitate to tell me what you think! My asks are always open!💖💖

Tag list: @lovebuginlove @calamell​ @bobohumyonlyboo @smolbeanmika @making-me-blush @wooya1224 @yixing-jaehyun @f4ncyvelvet @lalalala-lav @deligxt @xofanfics @byunsugar @dixnysustae @to-all-the-stories-i-love @artisticcgroove @myexoobsession  @geniusloey @blahblahblah-boo

Tell me if you want to be added/removed

PARAPHILIA masterlist | General masterlist

(Artifical love will forever be that bitch! Also the way he pushes his jaw to the front, and breathing heavily like that 🥵🥵)

Paraphilia #2: AUTAGONISTOPHILIA; Being on stage or on camera

S P O T L I G H T

"How come he's still in his office... Isn't it Sunday today?" you impatiently whisper to yourself as you turn your face to the calendar that's hanging in the fancy kitchen.

You were right it is Sunday. It's already noon and you haven't seen him yet today. Baekhyun, that is. Your boyfriend. Your incredibly successful but incredibly busy boyfriend but boyfriend nonetheless.

In the quiet of the luxurious house you can hear him speak on the phone. He's probably in a business meeting with some important partners... Yeah they must be really important because he usually always makes sure he saves the Sundays for you.

Baekhyun had always been this way. When you started dating he already was the CEO of Privé. Back then he was already very busy even though it was just a very young brand at the time but it's only gotten worse over the years or better depends on how you look at it...

"The richer, the busier" you say out loud to yourself as you move to the couch of the living room.

You sigh and pull up the cover on your legs as you switch the drama you were watching back on.

Time passes and you are completely caught up in the drama. The romance displayed is very cute and you wish you could be in Baekhyun's arms right now. Then you hear steps in the staircase, you whip your head in its direction and see your boyfriend wearing an expensive and very sleek Armani suit, with his raven black hair brushed back. He impatiently looks at his gold rolex.

His high cheekbones paired with the outfit makes your heart flutter when he appears in front of you. He looks stunning, like a dream.

But something is off about his attitude...

"Are you leaving ?" you ask a tint of sadness underlining your voice.

"Yes I have to... Something came up..." he says fixing a strand of hair in front of the mirror. You bite your lip.

"But... It's Sunday today" You say sulking, giving him puppy eyes

"I know baby but it looks like our website is under a cyber attack and I have to go fix it right now. The banking info of the customers might leak..." his voice is a little harsh and you can't help but to feel hurt by his tone.

"Ok" you say, giving up with a sad smile trying to not let him see how it affected you.

"I'll be back as soon as I can" he says waving in your direction before grabbing the keys of the Audi and walking out the front door...

You sigh once again. And try to forget Baekhyun's harsh tone and furrowed brows... but after a while you realize that you reqlly can't...

You squirm on the couch, working yourself up... The Sundays are supposed to be for you. He employs hundreds of people, couldn't one of them handle the cyber attack? Plus, Baekhyun is an expert in designing styling and marketing but he knows nothing about programming and other geeky stuff you can't even name. Why is his presence mandatory? You know he's the CEO but still... Would Elon Musk run off to the office if Tesla.com was under a cyber attack?

Probably... the voice of reason in your head answers. But you shake your head, chasing away the annoying truth.

You sigh but in annoyance this time. Then an idea blooms into your mind...

"What if... I made him want to get back as soon as possible" you smirk to yourself.

You grab your phone and press record. You perk up your lips and speak in a seductive tone.

"Babe. I miss you so much..." You say as you bring your other hand to your breasts.

"I think I need you right now" You stop the recording and press send before you can change your mind.

You wait for a second and think it's not enough... And to be quite frank, the idea of Baekhyun having to hide his boner at work because of you made you eager for more teasing.

Without even thinking you start to rub yourself between your thighs as you fill the immense living room with very soft moans.

You took your shirt over your head and slided down your pants leaving them on the marble flooring.

You laid on the couch only in your matching navy blue lingerie set. You took your phone back and made another little video for your busy boyfriend.

"Baby come home" you moaned as your fingers played with your bud through the thin lace. You lower the angle to let him see the sexy lingerie set but also where your fingers were. You felt the thrill of doing something so naughty on camera. You bit your lip as you pressed down harder on your core sending electricity throughout your body.

You hit send and drop the phone. You imagine Baekhyun getting these at the board meeting  and secretly stroking himself underneath the table, his dick threatening to rip out of his pants at any time.

Your phone buzzes as you receive a response. You smirk evilly knowing it's your powerful boyfriend being distracted.

"Stop that" he demands.

The smirk only spreads further on your face. You always liked to be a dissident little brat. So you decide to go even further.

You videotape yourself again. This time you slip your hand inside your panties and gasp at the cold sensation of your fingers against your hot folds. You dip them inside your center, moaning shamelessly.

You set your phone to the side and rub yourself over your panties again. You let the room be filled with soft moans and whimpers. Already picturing Baekhyun's clenched fist underneath the meeting table as the shareholders talk to him about the cyber attack. His mind only being preoccupied with your needy moans and sweet dripping pussy.

"Mmmh... Baekhyun... If you want me to stop..." You pump your fingers inside your heat, you feel your walls tighten around them, excited by the thought of being disobedient but also on tape. "Come and make me" you say showing the camera the long strings of juices coating your fingers. Quickly you press send again.

You smirk again as you moan louder, circling your clit through the drenched fabric of your panties.

Then you hear your phone buzz again. You read the text from, you're sure of it, your very angry boyfriend.

"I'm in the car I'll be over in 10 minutes I want to see you in the R-Room"

A huge smile spreads on your lips. You made it, you made your boyfriend return to you. You were so happy you didn't care about the consequences. You happily hopped off the couch and shuffled to the R-Room. You even left behind your clothes, still on the ground , knowing damn well, the mess was going to piss off Baekhyun even further.

You pushed in the door of the R-Room. This room was the only one of the villa that didn't have any windows. It was completely dark. You pushed on the light switch. In the middle was a table, with leather straps at every corner. One camera right over the table, filming it. Another one was on a tripod on the side. And a third one was for the close ups. Because in fact, the "R" stood for "Recording".

In this room,  you and Baekhyun made sextapes. Baekhyun initiated you years ago. Before it felt so wrong and you refused to be filmed from the neck up. You didn't even want to be fully naked. But now, you would simply slip on the black lace rabbit mask and you let Baekhyun bind you and do whatever he pleased to you in front of the camera.

Recently Baekhyun even convinced you to start a livestream show of your escapades. Quickly you two became really popular. Of course, Baekhyun is kind of a public figure due to his job so he never shows his face but you don't mind.

It was the most thrilling feeling. Imagining thousands of strangers touching themselves to you. Suggesting to Baekhyun things to do to you.

You slipped off your bra. You wanted to be nice and ready for Baekhyun when he came back. You put your hair up in a neat bun, even set up the cameras. You're so busy that you don't hear Baekhyun ruffling up the stairs.

He pushes the door open. Making you jump. He's mad sure but he can't help but to smile when he sees you completely naked, already waiting for him. But he doesn't intend on being easy on you, not after what you did.

You stiffen up as you see his smile fade away, walking towards you. He presses his clothed body against your naked one. He takes your chin in his cold slender fingers, forcing you to meet his eyes.

"You think you can make me this mad purposely just to make me fuck you?" You feel your cheeks grow red. "I don't think so missy" He lets go of you and turns around, ready to leave.

No no no, you think. You worked yourself up so much. You knew you were going to get punished but you didn't imagine that... It never crossed your mind that Baekhyun could actually just leave you hanging like this.

"S-should I turn off the c-cameras?" you stutter in a last attempt to make him change his mind. He stops as an even better idea blooms in his mind.

"You know what? No... keep them rolling"

A smile grows on your unsuspecting lips. Baekhyun goes to the laptop and to your different social media platforms where he types a message:

"Surprise live show to punish a disobedient little bunny rabbit"

Within seconds comments start to flow in. People were really excited to get a surprise unscheduled live. And so were you, cause you had no idea what Baekhyun had in store for you.

Baekhyun handed you the familiar bunny ears black mask. Your fingers trailed the lace details before you placed it on.

Baekhyun did some arrangements before switching the live on. The red light of the cameras started to blink and you knew you were on for one hell of a ride.

"All right everybody! Good evening! We are live today" Baekhyun said as the three cameras stared at your naked body.

You saw the first comments on the screen of the laptop.

"Wow already nice and ready"

"Ugh Bunny is so cute"

"I wish I was there to see Bunny irl"

Goosebumps poked up on your bare skin.

"Everyone today Bunny was very naughty and I had to punish her. So, I told myself why not let all of you enjoy it as well. Bunny..." Baekhyun turned to you. "Explain to our friends what you did" You looked up at your pissed off boyfriend.

"I... I disturbed master as he was busy... and was defiant"

"Good girl" Baekhyun caressed your cheek with his thumb.

You read some comments again.

"Oooh Bunny is in trouble hehe"

"Master!! Can't let this flow! gotta show her who's boss"

"Ok, so Bunny" Baekhyun starts "You will start by pleasing master" You looked up at him again you knew exactly what it meant. Baekhyun's hand left your cheeks to press on your shoulder. "On your knees Bunny".

His hand takes a tight hold on your bun as the other one unbuckles his belt and takes out his already rock hard cock.

"Open wide." he says his teeth shining under the indirect spotlight of the dark room.

You open your mouth and Baekhyun doesn't give you time to approach. Instead as soon as your mouth is open he rams his cock inside, hitting the back of your throat right away.  By reflex you want to pull away but his hand around you bun maintains your head right in place.

Right then and there, you finally mesure how mad you have made him. He's never this rough, at least not right at the beginning before you had any chance of teasing him and running his patience thin. But you did all that… just with your videos… Teasing him until he can only process the desire he has for you through rough angry sex.

He starts the thrust himself in your mouth. You gag loudly on his cock, trying to catch a breath, but he doesn't let you.

"Come on, look at the camera, baby. Let them see how pretty you are with my cock down your throat" Baekhyun whispers in a low husky voice. Your tears filled eyes turn to the camera where you have a look at the comments.

"Uh ohhh... Master really IS mad"

"Bunny's mouth must feel so good"

Baekhyun gradually slows down his pace, allowing you to finally breathe. He pops his dick out of your mouth, while you pant. You look back excepting more face fucking but instead Baekhyun is turning the cameras to the table.

Already? you think. But you still get up and walk to the table, quickly checking the comments again.

"Are we bounding Bunny already?"

"Oh yessss!! The fuck-table!!!"

You sat and one after the other, Baekhyun tied your wrists and ankles to the corners of the table with the attached straps. You were now laying there, leg spreads wide, completely exposed to the +15K people that were watching you right now. You bite your lip feeling the familiar thrill swell up in your chest again.

Then Baekhyun approached with the vibrator. He pressed the button and turned it on. The buzzing sounds made you anticipate the feeling of it. You lightly squirm in your restrains. Baekhyun skipped directly to the most powerful setting. You looked at him, he was wearing that same evil smile again...

He places the vibe on your drenched heat. First at your entrance, you gasped loudly. Goosebumps spreading on your skin. With agonizing slowness he brought the vibe to your clit. The incredible speed of the vibrations took you by surprise and you immediately threw your head back, pulling hardly on the straps as unexpected pleasure took possession of you.

Your moans filled the cramped dark room. Tears started to form again, your body didn't know how to react to such an intense and unknown sensation. You felt you juices rundown your legs and coat your thighs.

"Aaaah Master... I'm cumming" you warned Baekhyun and he instantly switched the vibe off. You looked back up at him with pleading eyes, a desperate whimper escaped your lips.

"M-Master p-please" you stuttered.

"Bunny, you really think you can be disobedient like this and expect master to let you cum?" Baekhyun's low voice sent a shiver down your spine. His hands traveled to your folds, slightly playing with your sensitive bud, he coated his fingers with your juices before bringing them to your lips.

"Taste yourself baby" you hungrily sucked his digits, grazing your teeth on them. But he took them back before you were even finished. Your eyes laid on the screen.

"Ohhh Bunny how do you feel?"

"Bunny's desperate moans are the BEST!!"

Again, you heard the buzzing sound of the vibe. Only this time the vibration was really low, barely audible.

You felt the soft vibrations directly on your swollen clit. You didn't even have time to process the feeling that Baekhyun was pushing himself inside your wetness. You moaned loudly as you felt his hot cock stretch you deliciously. When he reached the bottom of you he gently pulled out. He then grabbed a piece of duct tape and secured the vibe on your clit. You moaned again, instantly missing him inside you. But it wasn't for long because he thrusted himself back in with all his might. A strangled moan escaped your lips, Baekhyun chuckled coldly.

"Oops, sorry baby. Had to check if the vibe was well secured... Yeah it didn't move"

Yes, you knew that much as the delicious sensation of the soft vibrations didn't stop for a second.

Soon he started to move at a comfortable pace. His length explored the deepest part of you and you completely lost yourself along the way. Between the vibe and his never ending back and forth your mind went completely blank. 

"Look at the camera baby. Show this beautiful expression." Baekhyun's deep voice said.

You looked straight at the camera that was a close up of your face. You looked at the tiny return of the image. Your hair was an absolute mess. Your now loose bun was violently jumping with each of Baekhyun's thruts. Your eyes were fluttering close, rolled back. You looked delighted... and god knows you were. Baekhyun's big bulging cock felt like heaven inside you. You were so so so close to your release. Your toes curled upwards as you felt Baekhyun dig deeper inside you, his hands gripping tightly on your widely open thighs.

"Master, aaaah...  I'm so... aaah... close" you said. But then again. Baekhyun abruptly pulled out of you and switched off the vibe. Leaving your desperate little cunt hungry for more of him. You whimpered and looked at him again.

"Not yet baby" Baekhyun's low voice said. You squirmed, pulling on your restrains, protesting. The comments flew in again.

"No orgasm for Bunny!"

"I bet Bunny really regrets being disobedient now hehe"

You felt tears of frustration form in the corner of your eyes. You looked at your still pissed boyfriend.

"Please Master" you pleaded as you bucked your hips upwards, shamelessly showing him and the viewers your red and completely desperate pussy. Baekhyun chuckled coldly.

"Look at you acting like a bitch in heat, pushing up your swollen little cunt up in the air like this" you felt shame but the straps kept you from closing your legs. You could only whimper and squirm. Baekhyun brought his thumb to your mouth and you immediately sucked on it.

"You want to cum baby girl?" he asked, his voice somewhat softening. You nodded sucking vigorously on his thumb.

"Then fucking beg for it like a proper slut" he said back with his harsh tone, through greeted teeth, popping his finger out of your mouth.

One single tear rolled on your cheek. But you would have done anything. Anything in the world for him to finally let you cum.

"Master, please... I-"

"To the camera baby girl" Baekhyun interrupted you. You turned your head to the close up camera.

"I'm sorry for disobeying my master. I'm sorry for being dissident. I will do everything to make master forgive me." Baekhyun raised an unconvinced eyebrow.

"What do you say everybody?"

Your eyes went to the screen again.

"That was weak!"

"Make her beg again"

"I would just leave her like this tbh"

You turned back to Baekhyun as he smirked again.

"Gotta have to do better than this Bunny" You took a deep breath and looked at the staring camera.

"Please, Master. This bitch is yours. She would do everything to please her master, She really has learned her lesson. If you accept to fuck me more I promise I will make master feel better then ever." That intrigued him.

"What do you think guys?"

"Yes she was good enough. She deserved it."

"#dickforbunny"

Baekhyun then suddenly thrusted inside you. You gasped as the delicious sensation filled your mind again. You missed him so much these past few seconds. Your pussy was tightly gripping around his fat cock. Holding onto it like it was scared to lose it again, suffocating it in the process. And Baekhyun bit his bottom lip as your warmth enveloped him. He grunted loudly, fucking you senseless.

"Aaaah... master it's so fucking good..." you said moaning shamelessly in front of thousands of strangers.

Without a heads up, he switched back on the vibe, all the way up. The vibration was so powerful, that even Baekhyun felt your whole pussy vibrate and twitch around him. Your nails dug in your palms as you felt immense pleasure wash over you.

"I'm cumming master" You screamed, thrashing your head around, unable to contain your orgasm anymore.

"That's right cum for me baby. Cum on this dick" Baekhyun groaned in a low lust filled voice.

And finally you crossed the edge. Your orgasm washed over you, making you completely drunk on the filling as your eyes rolled back while facing the camera. Your eyes could barely read anymore.

"She's cumming like a real slut haha"

"Wow look at her legs shaking"

But then. Baekhyun didn't stop, nor did the vibe.

"Master, please I just came" You cried out as your voice was cut everytime Baekhyun thrusted powerfully inside you.

"Baby girl. Once begging me to continue, now begging to stop? Make up your mind" He grunted still powerfully slamming his length inside you.

You screamed to the sensation of your sensitive clit being over stimulated. Tears started to roll down your cheeks as you continued to shake. Gradually the pleasure took over you again, not asking permission or even announcing itself. It just simply won you over.

Baekhyun and the vibe both forcing you into a second orgasm, even stronger than the first one. You arched your back and pulled hard on the restrains, the leather dug into your skin. You screamed again, completely losing to Baekhyun's fat cock.

Baekhyun continued to thrust inside you until your pussy was throbbing and sucking him in so much that he had no other choice to release his thick cum inside you. Grunting and cursing, indulging himself in the pleasure.

He slowed down his pace gradually as you fell quiet. Completely exhausted from the forced orgasm. Baekhyun pulled out and you felt his juices mixed with yours slowly drip out of you. Your mind felt numb and you weren't even able to process the words your eyes were reading.

"Bunny won't forget that punishment."

"I came so much watching Bunny shake like this"

"Bunny was fucked out of her mind... look at her... fuck so hot!"

"That was the greatest live EVERRRR"

Baekhyun laughed while reading them.

"I'm glad you guys enjoyed. I'll end it now and will put Bunny to bed" he chuckled looking back at you, chest still heaving up and down, glistening with sweat.

Baekhyun picked you up and carried you to your bedroom where you instinctively snuggled under the blanket. You had a content smile plastered on your lips.

"I'm going to disobey everytime now" you said before immediately passing out. Baekhyun just lightly chuckled before laying soft kisses on your forehead.

PARAPHILIA masterlist | General masterlist  

Please tell me what you thought in my asks or the comments 💖💖

[oraclekleo]

Hi hi! I just stumbled across your account and i love your posts already! i saw that your personal requests are open so I’d love to request a personal reading on your relationship role spread but i was wondering what information you need? do you need my initials or perhaps my name or is my request enough? Hopefully this doesn’t bother you too much and I’d like to thank you in advance for your time and energy, you’re great !! <3

Hello!

Your relationship role reading is ready for you!

Mind the fact, that this one is difficult to be made for people I don't know personally, so take what resonates and dismiss the rest. I hope there's at least something that will ring some bells but even if not, I hope you at least have fun reading.

Thank you for requesting and being patient with me!

@juujuu-xx

Relationship Role

Deck: Tarot of the Divine

Friend - Page of Swords, 2 of Swords

When it comes to friendship, you’re probably the geeky friend. You’re either very talkative with your friends in personal contact, you at least type long texts to them. You probably come up with unusual ideas and sometimes surprise your friends with what’s going on in your head but in a good way. You might often become indecisive and paralyzed because you simply can see things and situations from multiple angles and you might need your friends to vote for one of your options to help you decide.

Girlfriend / Boyfriend - XI Justice, Ace of Coins

You’re super loyal when dating. Any kind of cheating or lying is an absolute no-no for you. You’re being honest and you expect your love interest to respect it and be true to you as well. You probably feel it very strongly and it hurts you when someone is not honest with you. You prefer to hear the ugly truth and cope with it than being fed sugar-coated lies. You might struggle with expressing your romantic feelings, though. The words are hard to find and you probably prefer showing your affection through small gifts. It doesn’t have to be anything massive but you simply listen and know what your boo likes and when you see something they might like, you will buy it for them (if it’s in your budget). If your boyfriend / girlfriend likes the Minions and you see funny Minion paper clips in a stationary department, you will take them and give them to your love interest without having a special reason like birthdays or anniversaries. You simply want to show you care.

Lover - 10 of Swords, 2 of Coins

When it comes to the physical aspect of the relationship you might be the one doing most of the work. You prepare a romantic dinner (or buy it), make the table look nice, burn the candles, pick the right music. You probably remember important days better than your partner and you’re always well prepared to celebrate them. You don’t like to be kept oblivious about something so you prefer to just do everything yourself. Sometimes you might feel rather overwhelmed and juggle everything at the edge of your powers. So maybe let your lover sometimes surprise you and take some of the responsibility, too.

Wife / Husband / Spouse - 3 of Wands, 4 of Coins

I’m not sure if you’re already married or not but cards think you probably consider marriage as an option. You might find it interesting and challenging but also a source of certainty and stability. You probably hope to find a partner who will be there for you and support you. You’re not naive about it, though and it’s likely you won’t settle for second best and will be able to manage on your own if you don’t find the right person.

One-Night-Stand - XIX The Sun, 7 of Cups

Haha! This is interesting. I’m not sure if you actually experienced any random affair with a stranger but at least in your mind you see it as an interesting option which deserves to be explored, at least in theory. If you’re not keen to actually go for a one night affair in real life, you might find it interesting to build some fantasy around it. You’re pretty easy about it and if there is a super appealing opportunity (someone extra captivating or your favourite celebrity making the offer), you would probably want to try at least once. However you won’t go for it if the opportunity is nothing super extraordinary.

[ilovethecure79]

the way i screamed of joy and horror when i saw i was tagged on a music tag game im gonna tagggg uhhhh @autisticempathydaemon @everything-redacted-and-others

🗣️ALL HAIL SIOUXSIE need i say more???

strawberry switchblade is the best thing since ever like JUST LISTEN TO THEYRE STUFFF

is this the only Olivia Rodrigo song I listen to? yes because i feel it on a very deep personal level like this song is literally me??? Olivia stop stalking me?? im homeschooled too???? hello???

HANDS ON YOUR KNEES ANGELINA JOLIE

ITS STRAWBERRY SWITCHBLADE also this song itches my brain bbg 😘

this song is criminally underrated C R I M IN A L L Y

Heyyy, 'Ronica

Eww.

You've got a left hand.

Use it.

Don't talk mean like that

You'll hurt their feelings

You make my balls so blue

You hurt them badly

You make my balls so blue

They're hanging sadly

What did they do to you

That you hate them so?

Don't run from me

They're all beat up

Like a tackling dummy!

They long for your embrace

They're warm like mittens

They'll curl up on your face

And purr like kittens

You make my balls so blue

Just look at them glow

They're begging you!

Don't make my balls so blue

Mmm...

Heather? Heather!

Open the door.

Oh no, oh no no no!

Mmm...

Open the door!

Oh no, oh no no no!

You make my balls so blue

(Ooo.. so blue!)

So please say hello

(Ooo...)

Hold 'em

Enfold 'em

And never let go!

(Yeah!)

Once you were geeky

Oo!

And nerdy

Oo!

But they knew

Oo!

You're dirty

Oo!

You've set them

Oo!

On fire

Oo!

Whatever you require they'll do!

(Ooo... ah!)

So take 'em home to meet your parents!

They'll wear a suit and tie

And a fancy collar

They'll sing a lullabye

La la la la la!

Please make these balls not blue!

Just for a while!

Can't wait 'til later

My pants are rubbing like a

Hot cheese grater!

Look. Booze. Drink!

Thank you so much!

They will protect you

Defend you

Respect you

Befriend you

Like Winnie-the-Pooh!

Winnie-the-Pooh!

Baby, baby, baby!

They're so blue!

My balls will work for you

They will obey ya!

They really need rescue

Like Princess Leia!

Baby, you gots to come through

Teach them to smile

You've got no clue

How much these two

Depend on you

Please help them through!

My balls are in your court!

Yeah!

(You make them balls so blue!)

You make my balls so blue!

(You make them balls so blue!)

Aw!

Ow!

You make my balls so blue!

(You shake them, you quake them,

You break)

Good God, my balls

You make my balls so blue!

Look it! Look at it!

Look at it! Look it!

(You take them, you make them,

Crissake them)

You make my balls so blue!

Please make their dreams come true

And make these balls not blue!

Yeah!

need i say more?

for when sadness is a thing or i just wanna sing idk i think this song is a good song for me to sing like i sound good doing it idk

LET ME TAKE YOUR HANDS IM SHAKING LIKE MILK (Robert Smith is my religion /j)

why am i crying?????????????

anyways have a nice day my music taste is ngl sub par at best

Music Tag Game!

Thank you so much @running-tweezers for tagging me 💕💕😭

Rules: On Repeat playlist, shuffle, post the first 10 songs

Im gonna tag people up here cause this post feels too long lol: @mokozroach @bubblergoespop @ilaria-jinx and anyone else who wants to do this (tag me, i love getting new music recommendations)

Alright let’s get into it!

….outting myself as an emo kid right out the gate I see. Sometimes I wanna feel like an angsty middle schooler and that’s okay

I absolutely adore Noah Kahan. Stick Season is one of my albums of all time, hands down

This song has me in a chokehold. Get it? Chokehold? Im fun at parties. ANYWHO Sleep Token 🥴 There is something so alluring about their music. I wanna bite it

Heavy pop does it for me sometimes. If you go listen to their other new song, Brag, there’s a speaking bit that kinda sounds like Huxley

SPEAKING OF. 1:10 for those interested.

Hell Yeah. This song is sung entirely by Poppy and she does a phenomenal job. I love Bad Omen’s social commentary

Also outing myself as a kpop stan got it cool cool. This song is actually my roman empire. I have thought about it since the first performance video came out in like 2017

This wouldnt be a song post on my blog without these guys. I love them so so much

I recently learned this song has an acoustic version and ive never been happier. It’s lowkey got me 🥴🥴 somethin bout it hits different

And ending on my favorite song at the moment! I swear this rewired something in my brain the first time i heard it. The chorus does things to me

[absolute-sakuya-stan]

nicknames | all troupes!

sakuya - he’s very shy and probably will not be able to use a nickname with out blushing furiously. but if he does decide to use one he’d probably go for something like honey, sweetie, or baby. or some variation on your name. he likes being called pretty much anything but calling him saku or babe makes his heart flutter.

masumi - won’t go for nicknames right away. but he does like calling you babe. he’s happy to be called anything as long as it comes out of your mouth. he does like being called masu, sweetheart, or babe too.

tsuzuru - he’s super big on nicknames. it’s actually shocking when he doesn’t call you by one. sweetie, sweetheart, princess, and love are some of his favorites. he’s big on being called ruru (as in tsuzuRU) or just simply babe or bae.

itaru - he isn’t too big on nicknames, but he likes sweetheart or darling. or even better, calling you his player two. this man loves it if he can make some kind of geeky reference in a nickname. he absolutely loves it if you call him taruchi.

citron - definitely calls you princess or darling. he has no issue with using nicknames (though occasionally he might mess them up). he doesn’t really care if you use nicknames for him or not.

tenma - more nervous then he thought he would be when he first tries to give you a nickname. he’s done it plenty of times on tv, it shouldn’t be too hard, right? wrong. he might be able get away with saying cutie or kitten before becoming a blushing mess. otherwise he can get away with calling you sunshine without becoming too much of a mess.

yuki - he really isn’t a huge fan of nicknames. maybe he’ll call you darling or bear if he’s really tired. yuki doesn’t really have a preference of what you call him.

muku - muku loves using nicknames. all of his favorite shoujo manga characters use nicknames so he definitely does. he really likes princess, peaches, angel, and sweetheart. using anything on him makes him a huge mess. just calling him mu will make him blush.

misumi - oh boy, he’s going to call you any name with triangle in it he can. he’ll call you, my triangle, my favorite triangle, the best triangle, or just triangle. the most normal one he’ll call you is baby. if you call him your favorite triangle he’ll be very happy, but honestly giving him any nickname will make him an overly happy puppy.

kazunari - this boy is for sure gonna call you babe, baby, bae, boo, queen, sunshine, hot-stuff, gorgeous, etc. basically, anything you can think of, he’s probably called you it at some point. kazu is down for being called anything, he particularly likes bae though.

banri - he’s another one who likes to call you babe, hot-stuff, or sexy. he would jokingly say he’d like to be called daddy, but he’d actually end up liking it.

juza - definitely any sweets related name he’s going to call you. if you’ve got a favorite candy he’ll call you that. otherwise honey, sweetie, sugar. calling him anything will make him a mess.

taichi - he’ll like to call you cutie for the most part. you can also retaliate in calling him a cutie and he’ll be as red as his hair.

omi - babe, darling, love, he definitely loves more romantic nicknames. omi is pretty happy with being called anything, but if you want him to blush, call him daddy.

sakyo - the only nickname he’ll call you is love, and even that is one very rare occasions. otherwise is probably strictly calling you idiot or dumbass. most nicknames you call him will just earn you a small smile and an eye roll.

tsumugi - definitely flower related nicknames, rose, lily, or just flower works for him. he also likes calling you darling or love. tsumugi likes being called tsumi or tsumu. a lot of other nicknames make him smile shyly and blush.

tasuku - he is not good with coming up with nicknames. if you want to be called something you have to tell him. he might call you snowflake without you telling him though. he doesn’t really care for nicknames, but if you call him one, he might have a odd look on his face.

hisoka - definitely calls you marshmallow, kitten, or kitty. he might call you snuggles too. he doesn’t really mind if you use nicknames, he does like being called hiso or mika (as in mikage) but he really doesn’t have much of a reaction to them.

homare - my rose, mon amour, darling, my inspiration are all names he likes to call you. he doesn’t really what you call him, but if you call him minou he likes that because it’s french

azuma - he calls you darling, sugar, or angel. it really doesn’t matter what you call him. he unironically likes being called daddy though

[onf-headcanons]

PAPA!ONF headcanons (Dongsaeng line)

Jaeyoung

Dotes the child, but never steps away when it comes to disciplining. Well aware that his voice intimidates some times, so he tries his very best to not go overboard on the loudness.

Another nagger lol

instead of squeezing, he would most likely kisses the child’s chubby cheek

A lot of peak a boos

Speaks to the child with a higher tone. But when he is talking sense towards the child, his tone will be a bit deeper

Repeats what the kid said to show that he is listening. Also when disciplining, he would let the kid to talk (but not making excuse) so that he can at first understand the child’s point of view of thinking.

Literally reacts to every first time of the child

Special note, when his child took first step, he was so excited and cheer out loudly with his “BWAAAAAA---!”. It startled the child and he later shower the child with kisses as apology and encouragement.

When the baby starts walking, he would help out. Letting the baby holding one of the finger of his hands and walk around the living room.

Rather than tucks the kid to bed and wait them to sleep. Jaeyoung would most likely to let his child rest on his chest and lightly pats their back while humming slowly. Then before he puts his child on bed, he would kiss them on their head.

Would read books to the child. And if the child asking “What’s this” he would explain to them patiently.

I think out of the 6, Jaeyoung child would be the fast one to start talking

Same as Seungjoon, high chance he will teach his kid some dance moves. Maybe started when the baby can already sit, he might held their hand and swing along with the song. Jaeyoung is happy when the baby smiles while at it.

I think he will try to be example wise towards his child. If his child being a picky eater, he would try to eat more balanced to show a good example.

Minkyun

If you tell me he would not try to make a slogan and recite it every time he meets his child, I will not believe it.

Could be something like “ Yo, yo yo, who is my favorite man?”

His child finds him speaking gibberish weird language funny

Also his child reacts/recognize his voice immediately. Could be he would always talk to child when they are in the mother’s belly

Strums his guitar and hums towards the child. The child might get very interested at the sound of guitar or maybe Minkyun’s voice. Then they will come over and sit in front of him and stares in amazement.

If the kid starts get hyper (swinging their arms like how baby does when they are excited), Minkyun would smile at the kid while singing towards the kid.

A scenario might be the child already could crawl/toddle, and Minkyun is working on composing in his room but his door is not closed. The child approach him and he noticed (because he felt a small hand patting his arm). Minkyun defo gonna carry the child up to his lap and let the child explore with the electronic piano in front of him.

Maybe try to imitate the note of the piano key his child pressed lol

I do think he is gonna make a song or a few for his child, or even getting a bit of inspiration from the notes his child had pressed.

Even though he knew about 1 piece of snack per day of baby’s snacks sometimes he would spoil his child a bit by letting them having extra 2 more. But with a price. He sees it as a opportunity to ask the child “Who’s your favourite?” 

The child has to answer “Appa/Daddy” to get the snack they wanted.

Also this is the way Minkyun get his child to say the first word, “Appa” 

If the child also happens to have the geeky gene, they definitely going to click when they are being mischievous 

Blows raspberries to the child’s tummy and tickles the child

Feeds the child with many tricks. One of the child’s favourite, spoon aeroplane. (To the extent people are gonna question if Minkyun is having way too much fun “playing” by feeding the child.)

Yuto

The quiet and “I have your back” kind of dad

Not really gonna teach the child dance moves, but if the child displays some talent in dancing, he is going to be supportive

Maybe the child was 4~5, and they might surprise Yuto with learning some dance moves. And since the child has not gotten any proper training, they might just waving their arms and legs while Yuto burst out laughter looking at their child trying hard.  And could not help but feeling his child is cute

It will depend on where his family lives and who is he married to. IF they are living in Korea, he will be speaking both Japanese and Korean towards the child. If lives in Japan, he will be speaking Japanese only.

but i think he still might occasionally mess up by mixing both languages 

He might bring along his child to dance practise when they are more older maybe age 4 or 5. And is happy when he sees his child looking at him and ONF members in amazement and proud look.

Feeds the child attentively

I think he will be strict and follows snack restriction

He might not sing towards his wife confidently, but he definitely hums comfortably when putting his child to sleep

I think he is going to shower his child with plushies, 

Definitely going to take alot of photos of his child.Half of the pictures he take is not of normal life genre, it might look like a magazine shot. As if he is the child’s specialized  photographer.

If the toddler messed up, Yuto might goes “No.... NOOOO!”

A/n: ok i am going to stop here.