#long story short I attended a concert and then I had to nurse a concert hangover and then I attended another event and I got sick for a wee

[serenanymph]

find the word tag

Tagged by @space-writes over here with the words take, lower, fine and dive!! Gently tagging uhhhh @macabremoons, @reneesbooks and @lyssa-ink with the words nest, just, revenge and identity!

take

There’s a pause, as the four of them look at each other – the Halfling full of distrust, unwilling to let his guard down even just to take a break; Icarus full of worry, not wanting to sit down until he’s made sure everyone really is resting. Crys, of course, is unreadable as always, expression impassive as a stone wall. If he didn’t reek of chaos magic – if Rhyme didn’t know to look for that slight twitch to his fingers, the way he clenches his fist at a flash of pain – she wouldn’t have known he was injured at all. She’d be impressed with his poker face if it wasn’t so damn annoying.

lower(s)

“She’s fine,” Zephyr coughs from where he’s leaning against Kas. Both of them look equally exhausted. “It was just – just a stupid disagreement with a few others. I panicked and overreacted.” He lowers his eyes – eye, he’d strapped the eyepatch back on – towards the ground. “Sorry.” And then he lifts his eyes again, looking past her, and freezes.

fine

It is an overcast day, when he sets out on his own – the sky clouded and gray, the sun weak and watery. The rain falls in a light drizzle, the water droplets fine as mist. He turns his dirt-smeared face up towards the sky, blinking rapidly. His split lip stings and tastes of copper when he licks it. The tunic and cloak he is wearing is made of rough sackcloth, torn and frayed and worn at the edges, half falling apart.

dive

Someone cuts through the air overhead – soundlessly swooping in before dropping into a sharp dive – and then there’s a Crow with a high ponytail falling into step right beside Kas with ease. He doesn’t flinch; evidently expecting this or used to it.

taglist (lmk if you want to be +/-): @deer-in-headlights-stare, @allianaavelinjackson, @arctic-oceans, @space-writes, @reneesbooks

[lombredanslaeu]

someone that loves you | lee taeyong

▸ taeyong x antagonist! reader

▸ summary: everyone always gushes about the protagonist - the goody two shoes, i-deserve-all-the-happiness girl. you never had a problem with people getting their happy endings, anyway. but lee taeyong won’t be the rescuing you in a shiny, white horse; you are also not his damsel-in-distress. you are the protagonist in their love story.; word count 4,352

▸ angst, fluff.

this isn’t proofread so i apologize for any mistakes! enjoy <3

You’ve known Lee Taeyong all your life; from being lunchbox friends in elementary school to being party buddies in college. You weren’t the best of friends but you did share the same closest circle of friends in college. You both watched each other grow up, but you weren’t the type of friends to gush about their love life with. In fact, the two of you could only hold a proper conversation if it’s in one of Jaehyun’s parties. Nevertheless, you always found him attractive. He was the hot, cool junior who is currently majoring in music. He has girls trailing behind him; one of those heartthrob male protagonist in a movie or a book. You had the advantage of being in his inner circle - which means you are one step further than the girls chasing after him. You aren’t so bad yourself - you’re quite popular, your hair was always in check, you liked girly clothing. Everyone in your department kisses your ass, if you’re being honest, and you could have anyone wrapped around your finger. Everyone except Taeyong.

“What lipstick should I wear for today?” Your friend, Yeri, asked you while holding two lipstick tubes near her lips.

“This one looks great with the university atmosphere,” you replied, poiting to the one on her left. “The other one would look great on parties and dates.”

“Ugh, you are so great at choosing lip colors.” She complimented. “Speaking of parties, you’re still up for Friday night at Jaehyun’s?”

“Of course!” You exclaimed. “He always hosts the greatest parties.”

“Right?” Joy spoke in agreement. “Besides, that might be the night you finally get it with Taeyong.”

“Oh please,” Yeri interjected. “You know Y/N doesn’t hook up on the first night.”

“I’m the complete opposite of what those bitches at the online forum say about me!” You added.

“You don’t have to listen to those forums, Y/N,” Joy said. You sighed and got back to eating your lunch. Joy and Yeri are two of your closest friends. You met during the first day of your freshman year. You only knew Taeyong as you both came from the same high school, but he looked like he already had friends; that led you to no choice but to talk with the girl beside you during chemistry. It wasn’t long until you started to hang out with Taeyong’s circle of friends. The night of Jaehyun’s party came. It was the same, old thing with Lucas being extra loud than his normal self, and it was either Johnny or Xiaojun in charge of the music. Except today, two unfamiliar faces came through the door.

“Who are they?” You asked Mark beside you.

“That’s Daeun and Euna.” Mark responded. “Apparently, Taeyong and Kun invited them since they’re new in campus.”

You felt a surge of jealousy rage over you. You know you don’t have any reason to feel that at all. It’s not like Taeyong would suddenly want to date you after all the gifts and letters you gave him on his birthday for the past years.

“Do I sense some kind of tension here?” Mark commented. He must have felt the shift in your body at the mention of Taeyong’s name.

“No?” You defended. “Why would I feel some tension?”

You got back to sipping your drink and watch as one of the girls converse with Taeyong and Yuta. She looks nice. She looks innocent and cute. You weren’t one to judge other girls at all. Even if you hated all your competitors, you never resorted to sending bashful comments to them. You walked away from the scene to find Doyoung and get him to get you drunk.

 --

Your professor called in sick for the day, leaving you with no more lectures for the rest of the week. You silently thanked your department for having its finals week earlier than the other departments. You were scrolling through your social media apps to kill time and decided to watch a view stories on instagram. The first story was from Taeyong; it showed a picture of Daeun seated across from him in the library. You were used to seeing Taeyong hang out with other girls before. You would have let it slide like the other girls, except that you notice Taeyong has been hanging out with Daeun more ever since Jaehyun’s party. You skipped over to the next story to distract yourself. As you got invested on your phone, you felt a tap on your shoulder. You looked up to see distressed Taeyong.

“Hey Y/N, are you busy?” He asked.

“Not at all.” You responded, setting down your phone on the table.

“Listen, I am terribly failing Professor Kang’s class,” He started. “He told me you’re his greatest student. So, can you coach me? We have a class debate and I need to win.”

 --

“Okay, remember,” You said to Taeyong. You were explaining to him strategies on how to win a debate. “Analyze every argument your opponent has to say. Don’t miss out on anything.”

Taeyong wrote down on his notebook all the tips you’re giving him. Today was the fourth day you’re coaching him. You got to spend time with Taeyong even if all you did was stay in the library for two hours. During your breaks, you talked about your favorites - movies, songs, food, etc.

“If you win this debate,” You said to him. “I’ll treat you to a HONNE show on the 16th.”

“Woah, Y/N, that’s a deal,” He replied with amusement evident on his face. “I’m gonna destroy that Mingyu.”

 --

You rushed through the hall to catch Taeyong’s debate on time. It was open for anyone to watch. You ditched the remaining hour of your psychology lecture to greet him with a huge bouquet of flowers and your promised ticket to HONNE if he wins. You saw the swarm of people exit the function hall, which means the debate was done. You wiggled yourself through the crowd in search for the boy. You spotted him near the exit with Jungwoo, Yuta, and Daeun.

“Taeyong!” You exclaimed, catching his attention. He walked towards you, smiling at the things on your hands. You noticed that your bouquet of flowers outshine the ones that Daeun gave to him. You mentally smiled at yourself for that.

“I won, Y/N! I won!” He exclaimed before slinging an arm over your shoulders for a brief hug. It may seem like a short, friendly hug to anyone but for you, it was like your skin suddenly felt what it was like to be appreciated.

“You have me as your coach, of course you would win,” You replied. “I’m sure you did amazing. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to catch it. As promised, see you at HONNE.”

He received the bouquet and ticket from your hands and gave you a smile that could light up the darkest parts of you.

“Oh Y/N, I forgot that Daeun and I had plans to catch this movie on the 16th.” Taeyong said. You felt your blood boil slightly. “It’s shows for the last time on the 16th. You can give the ticket to Johnny. He also likes HONNE.”

 --

Taeyong’s rain check bothered you for the entire week. You really wanted to see HONNE with him; you even rejected Joy so that Taeyong could have the extra ticket.

“I thought it was Taeyong you’re supposed to go with?” Johnny said. You asked him to go with you for the concert.

“Yeah but, he has plans with that Daeun girl.” You said, rolling your eyes. Johnny chuckled at your response.

“Wow! The campus’ crush got rejected by Lee Taeyong?” He said with great amusement. “This is breaking news!”

You couldn’t believe it either. Any other guy would be begging to be the one you have a concert date with; the fact that Taeyong rain checked on you bothered you to the core.

“Hey, cheer up, Y/N.” Johnny said, his tone becoming concerned.

You sighed and force a small smile. “It’s fine, John.”

“Hey,” He spoke, facing you. “Do you really want Taeyong to be free on the 16th?”

His menacing eyes made you skeptical about whatever plan he has in mind. Johnny was always the deceitful one. He gets away with everything and anyone. For the past year of being friends with him, you’re guaranteed that Johnny’s plans never fail. The next thing you know, you’re sneaking into the university’s clinic. Your university clinic arranges a mandatory annual check up that each student must attend to. You only get one appointment every year and if you fail to do so, you’re not allowed to enter any contests/competitions for the rest of the year. Daeun was part of the archery team and they have a competition coming next month. As part of the debate varsity, you know that every team member takes the check up seriously; so does Daeun.

“Y/N, hurry up, the nurses’ lunch ends in 15.” Haechan whispered. He volunteered to be your look out. He was Johnny’s partner in crime so, you know that he’ll help you execute this perfectly. You found the schedules for the check ups for this and wrote Daeun’s name on the 16th.

 --

You were walking back from a long meeting with your college organization. It was nearing midnight since you and your team needed to stay back and fix some stuff. The walk from your school to your dorm wasn’t very far and although it was really late, the street was illuminated with street lights. As you approached a bus stop near the exit of your school, you noticed a familiar figure.

“Taeyong?” You asked the person, who seems to be clutching his side because of pain. He lifted his face to you, causing you to see the few scratches and cuts lined with blood. “What the fuck happened to you?”

“It’s nothing, just came across some bad blood.” He replied, wincing as the cut on the corner of lips hindered him from speaking comfortably.

“This isn’t nothing, Taeyong.” You said with utmost concern. “Come with me to my dorm. I’ll help you clean that up before you catch a bus.”

You walked with him to your dorm. You couldn’t let Taeyong go inside a filthy bus with his exposed wounds. He sat down on your couch as you get the first-aid kit that the landlord placed in every unit.

“Care to tell me what really happened?” You inquired. You dabbed a piece of cotton on the cuts near his lips. Taeyong was always beautiful but he was too ethereal to be scarred with such wounds.

“I got into a fight with Daeun’s ex.” He sighed. “I overheard them arguing during lunch earlier. He threatened to hurt her if she doesn’t get back together with him so, I wait for him to finish his community service and went for it.”

Your heart winced at the fact that Taeyong got hurt for Daeun. It wasn’t the right time to compare but whenever people would comment hurtful prejudice to you, it was always the others guys who would come to your defense. Taeyong only knew Daeun for a short amount of time but he’s starting to act like her knight in shining armor. You couldn’t deny that Daeun was a sweet girl; she helped you with a physics problem once and told you that you could always ask for help. Your pride got the most of you and ignore her. Taeyong probably likes the sweet ones and you were too bitter for your own good.

“Thank you for your help, Y/N.” Taeyong said as you announced that you were done cleaning up his wounds.

“No problem.” You replied. “Just promise me you’ll get your ribs checked tomorrow.”

He smiled at you; and for the first time in quite some time, you felt like the good girl in this story.

 --

Today was the day of the HONNE concert. You didn’t expect Taeyong to approach you since he knew Johnny will be the one you’re going with, but here he is - standing in front of you.

“Listen, I just found out that Johnny had a stomach flu and wouldn’t be able to go to the concert.” He said. You didn’t know Johnny had the stomach flu so this surprised you. “I didn’t want you to come alone so, I was hoping that his spot hasn’t been taking yet.”

You tilted your head to the side. “Don’t you have a movie to catch with Daeun?”

“Yeah but she was scheduled to have the annual check up today.” He replied.

“Great, see you at the concert.” You said, smiling at him before walking away.

 --

“That was so fun!” Taeyong exclaimed as you both exit the concert venue. You decided to grab a drink in a bar nearby.

“Right?” You agreed, reciprocating the wide smile he has on his face. “’Location Unknown’ definitely moved me to the core.”

You settled in a booth in the bar. This bar was a great spot for concert-goers so you weren’t expecting to stay for a long time.

“Can I tell you something?” He said, playing with the bottle in his hands. You lifted your eyebrow to signal that you were willing to listen. “Daeun just said she loves me.”

You swallowed the lump forming in your throat. “And what did you say?”

“Well, she didn’t say it to my face. Taeil overheard her and Euna talking.” He replied.

“Do you love her back?” You asked. You hoped to the stars that he’ll say no.

“I don’t know.” You relaxed at his response. “But, I do like her.”

You felt like you lost your chance. Is Daeun prettier? Is she really kinder than you? Are you unlovable?

“Wait,” You held your palms up. “Why are you telling me this? We’re not that close.”

He shrugged at you. “I don’t know. After our debate tutoring, I realized that you’re actually cool to hang with. Besides, you’re not friends with Daeun or Euna, so I bet you won’t tell them what I have to say.”

“Are all of your friends close with them?” You asked.

“Yeah, almost everyone.” He replied.

Oh, so everyone likes them? You couldn’t deny that you may seem bitchy to other people. Yuta and Jaemin seems like they never liked you since the beginning, despite not doing anything to them. The fact that they like Daeun and Euna doesn’t sit right with you.

 --

As the weeks go by, you witness first-hand how Taeyong and Daeun got closer. She was always present on Jaehyun’s parties and it seems like Daeun’s instagram stories are just becoming endless candid photos of Taeyong. You scrolled past her instgaram stories. Christmas time is coming up. You usually never give presents to everyone but this time, you were determined to be selfless. You carefully wrapped everyone’s presents. Butterflies flew in your stomach as you wrapped Yuta’s present. You knew he was never fond of your presence. He once called you “Regina George” because according to him, you fit that category. You never understood why he would label you as such. All you did was beat him during debate and spoke nothing but the truth about his shortcomings as a speaker. Jaemin, on the other hand, used to be your vice president in the debate varsity. You two got along together before; that was until someone showed you a screenshot of a tweet on his private twitter account saying that you were a bad president.

“I can’t believe you are this low.” You said to Jaemin.

“Well, you should believe that you are a bad president because you never listen to anyone but yourself!” His tone was more hostile. You were trying your best to stay calm but the comment he just gave blew whatever cool you had in you.

“Okay, you can keep talking but just now,” Your voice lowered as you say the last phrase. “I’m never gonna listen to whatever bullshit you have to stay.”

You remembered having half of the debate varsity turn their backs against you. But, it was the same old thing. You were always the villain in everything. You wanted to make amends with Yuta and Jaemin and gave them their presents.

Yuta scoffed at the gesture. “Oh please, trying to play nice since the comments about you on the online forum are starting to get into your head?”

“I’m just trying to be nice.” You said. “I know things aren’t cool between us, so I’m here to make amends.”

“Stop trying to be nice.” Jaemin spoke. “Stop proving that you’re not the bad guy when you know to yourself that you are.”

He got up and threw the present in the nearest garbage bin. You held back the tears that were threatening to form in your eyes. You’re Y/N. You never cry in front of people. You sighed in defeat and left the lecture hall.

“That wasn’t very nice, you guys.” Taeyong scolded the younger boys. He was the only one inside the hall aside from you, Yuta, and Jaemin. He excused himself from the two as he followed you into the hallway. He saw your sniffling figure near a storage room. He placed a hand on your shoulder which caused you to frantically wipe your tears.

“It’s okay, Yong.” You said.

“I’m sorry for what they said.” He started.

“You don’t have to apologize for their actions.” You replied, sighing. “Besides, apologizing for them won’t fix anything between us.”

“You’re a good person, Y/N.” He said, staring into your eyes. “I’m sorry it took me a while to realize that.”

Your heart was booming against your chest. He leaned forward and you felt his lips brush against yours. The next thing you know, your lips are moving in sync with his. You felt the universe sparkle with magic at the feeling. The boy of your dreams is kissing you. For the first time in your life, something felt ethereal. Your internal rejoice was cut short as you see the figure of Daeun from Taeyong’s shoulders. You were about to pull away but she already ran.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Taeyong.” You said, breathing heavily at the guilt.

“Why? Johnny told me you liked me?” He said. Your eyes widened at the statement.

“Yeah, Taeyong.” You replied. “I’m in love with you. For all the years we’ve spent together, I thought one day, you would like me too. But Daeun loves you, and I know you like her. You shouldn’t have kissed me just because you knew I’m in love with you. That’s not fair.”

Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows. “Did she see us?” His voice was low but you could hear it.

“Yes.” You replied. “I’m sorry. I want you for myself that’s why I didn’t pull away immediately.”

“What if I said I want you too?”

 --

“I am the bad guy.” You spoke as you stared in the nothing. Yeri and Joy decided to take you out after what happened. “I knew Daeun loves Taeyong and yet, I let him kiss me.” ”It’s not your fault Taeyong found you kissable that time, Y/N.” Yeri replied.

You rolled your eyes at her response and before you could say anything, Joy interjected. “It’s true, Y/N. You know in yourself that you wouldn’t kiss Taeyong since he said he likes Daeun.”

You groaned as you put your head in your hands. Your phone lights up and you saw that you got a new text.

Lee Taeyong [10:57 pm]: can we talk tomorrow? pls…

You [10:59 pm]: ok.

 --

You waited for Taeyong on the bleachers near the soccer field. There weren’t a lot of people since students started going home to their hometowns but Taeyong’s friends were there.

“Oh, you’re here to steal Taeyong again, Y/N?” Jaemin asked mockingly.

You rolled your eyes as Mark said, “He’ll be here any moment, Y/N.” and gave you a smile.

You stared at the sunset and wondered what the rest of the day has in store for you. You spotted Taeyong chasing after Daeun during third period earlier. The guilt consumed you. You were typically the type to be selfish about things. You thought you were doing something great by giving out presents but based on Yuta and Jaemin’s reactions, you felt like you can never be kind to anyone. You spotted Taeyong walking towards you. You swallowed the butterflies that tried to escape your throat.

“Hey.” He said quitely. He sat down beside you. “About what I said the other day-”

His sentence was cut short by Euna running towards you.

“Taeyong!” She exclaimed as she was approaching. “Taeyong-”

“Euna, calm down,” He tried to help her catch your breathe.

“Daeun-” Euna began. There was a small pinch of worry inside you. You were worried that something might have happened to her because of what she saw. “I don’t know what you two are talking but- Daeun is on her way to transfer to another college. If you really like her, Taeyong, please stop her.”

Taeyong looked down, conflict evident in his demeanor. He stayed silent for a while as Euna went away. Your hands turned cold. He hasn’t said anything but you knew what his decision was.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” He whispered before bolting off towards Euna’s direction.

You didn’t realize that you were crying until you felt a tear drop on your legs. You thought you had him. The moment he said that he wants you too, made you feel like you’re up on cloud nine. But clouds disappear and the moment they do, you’ll be falling from the sky and down to the ground. You stood up and saw the look on everyone’s eyes. For the first time in forever, you saw pity on Yuta’s eyes.

 --

News spread fast as they often do. The announcement of Daeun and Taeyong’s relationship went through your ear for the nth time today. With the guidance of chocolates and countless bottles of alcohol, you tried yourself to forget about Taeyong. As you were drunkenly singing “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo, you remembered who you are. You are Y/N. And you don’t cry for anyone.

“You’re prettier, Y/N.” Joy attempts at cheering you up. Yeri smiled at you and held your hand as a sign of comfort. You three chatted for a while until it was time for them to catch their flights home. It was the end of the semester but you were too bummed to go back to your hometown. The quietness of your town wouldn’t be a good combination with your thoughts. You figured that the city would be the best place for now. You mentally thanked Taeyong for making you believe that you could be a good person. You thanked him for the butterflies and the greatest kiss that you’ve had so far.

As you stood up, you saw Yuta standing in your direction.

“You’re a good person, Y/N.” He said all of a sudden. You tilted your head in confusion. He just smiled and walked away.

Before his figure became blurry, you noticed that he was swearing the shirt you got him for Christmas.

a/n: ya know in retrospect, this seems like ur typical cheesy teenage movie. might delete this soon hehehe anyway, feedback are always welcome!! 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #480

“the doomsday clock was made by mankind”

Do you support PETA? No, because they are WAY too extreme. Have you ever lied about your gender? No. Have you ever had escargot? NOOOOOOOO. You couldn't pay me to try that shit. Have you played Breath of the Wild? No; Zelda games aren't my thing. I've watched Game Grumps play it, though. At what venue was the last concert you attended? Idr, somewhere in Raleigh. Who was playing at the last concert you attended? Alice Cooper. Maybe one day I'll have a new answer, lol. Do you have any anniversaries coming up? No. Would you try grapes on a pizza? Holy fuck, ew. Have you ever tried an oyster? How would you describe the experience? Oysters look fucking disgusting. Never. Has anyone ever specifically painted you a painting? Not a painting, no, but I've had drawings made for me. Would you ever want to try pole dancing? Nah. Have you ever had any sort of paranormal experience? Yes. Have you ever gotten something stuck in your skin? (ie: glass shard, gravel) Yeah, like splinters. And graphite. Do any of your grandparents live a nursing home? They're all deceased, but none did. Do you have a USB drive that is shaped like anything unique? No; mine is just a solid hot pink. What country would you like to visit most? South Africa. Whose birthday is closest to today’s date? (someone you know) Girt's birthday is the 10th! Do you know anyone in another country? I have Australian and European friends, yes. Have you ever wanted to be on a game show? Not seriously. Do you believe taking a picture of someone is taking a piece of their soul? Ha, this question makes me think of the quote from SOMA. Anyway, no. Do you have any friends with the same first name as you? No. How many states have you lived in? One. Pancakes or waffles? Waffles, so I can spread peanut butter on them. :') What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Johnny Got His Gun. ZERO competition. What political cause are you most passionate about? Probably LGBTQ+ rights. Really just equality in general. Have you ever considered having children? The only time I've ever in my life thought I wanted kids was when I was with Jason. Hell, I wanted two or three. Now I'm just like... nah man no thank you. Have you ever considered acting? No. Who was the last person you slept next to? Sara. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? Ha, no. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I dunno. Did you ever get lost as a child? Once at the grocery store. A sweet old lady helped me find Mom. Do you know how to play any card games? The very basic ones, and Magic: The Gathering. What are you currently most looking forward to? Mom to feel better so Girt can come over. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? Hm... Fullmetal Alchemist has a pretty bangin' story. What color are your parents’ eyes? Brown. Are you more dependent or independent? I've very dependent, honestly. Are there any stuffed animals in the room you’re in? Yeah, loads. I have a shelf full of my meerkat collection. Do you love animals? I adore them. I quite frankly don't like anyone who doesn't, because... how. How many people have you kissed in a car? One or two? Who made you mad last? My mom. She said something that just really hurt my feelings. How long was your last shower? It was longer than usual because standing, taking steps to turn, propping my legs up, etc. was fucking excruciating because my feet, ankles, and calves were so swollen. It's so fucking infuriating; in a previous survey I mentioned "oh it's because my body isn't used to getting up and down so much! it's improvement! :D", but no. The swelling was from sitting too long at the desk. My legs are so used to being propped up from being in bed that it caused edema when I was finally sitting. I went back to my fucking bed now because Mom mentioned that it could get extremely dangerous if the fluid buildup got too severe. And of course now that I'm back in bed, the swelling is receding. I can't fucking win. Have you ever had a really bad haircut? Looking back, I think the haircut I had before this current one was pretty bad, but at least it showed me I'd like short hair on myself. What’s your favorite DIY crafts YouTube channel? I don't watch DIY. What would be the best surprise you could receive right now? At this moment, just give me the magic answer to losing all this fucking weight and getting in shape and being happy. Do you usually forgive when someone hurts your or try to get revenge? I forgive too much. Were there any subjects in school that were really easy for you? English and most science. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No. Was your first car used or new? I haven't had my own car yet. How often do you watch the news? Never. Do you have a fan in your room? I have two. Have you ever hatched an egg? In elementary school, as a class. It was a chick. :') I think it was in kindergarten? Would you like to go to a fortune teller? No, because I wouldn't support them spouting bullshit and lying to people. Do you chew gum on a daily basis? No. I've actually been craving gum for a long time now... For each person you’ve kissed, describe your feelings in one word: My feelings towards them? Jason: Remorseful. Tyler: Eye roll. Sara: thankful. Girt: love. Do you have “friends” that you actually hate? That's some juvenile shit. No. Would you rather get [another] tattoo or piercing? Gimme both, but if I had to pick, a tattoo. If you’re dating someone, how long has it been? It's been just shy of a month Feels a lot longer. If you’re a girl, have you ever had the urge shave your hair? Not shave my entire head, no. Do you live by a forest? Not anymore. :/ Do your parents drink? My dad is a recovered alcoholic, so he doesn't touch it anymore. Mom only drinks lightly for special occasions. Does downloading music without paying make you feel guilty? Yes, and yet I do it anyway. :x Does your house have air conditioning? Yes. What do you believe in more: Ghosts or demons? Ghosts. I don't believe in demons. Do you think they’re making too big of a deal over Michael Jackson’s death? Old survey is old, but no, not really. He was an absolute pop icon that was deeply loved by millions and millions and inspired the genre deeply. I wasn't even a big fan and yet I felt for those who were. French fries or onion rings? The former. I don't like onion rings. Favorite healthy snack? Um. I suppose apple slices w/ peanut butter, especially lately. Or strawberries. ]If you see a bee in your house... are you going to kill it? Bees honestly scare me, so I'm not touching it. Mom will have to get it, and I know she would kill it. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? Done it before, and it didn't feel weird. If your best friend grabs your hand, what do you automatically do? I'd look at her and ask what's wrong. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Nothing. Do you tend to flirt a lot, even when the person isn’t single? No, especially if the person is taken. Can grills be sexy on a guy? Grills are unattractive on everyone. Have you ever flown first class? Ha, yeah right. Are you the type of person who can shake insults off easily, or do they tend to stick around in your brain & bother you? They stick around for years upon years. Some I think I'll never forget.

[nhett]

PLEASE READ & SHARE!!! #HelpAshleyMeetTaylor

@taylorswift My name is Nicole Hettenhausen. I am 22 years old, and I am from Illinois. I am reaching out in the hopes of helping to make my sister’s dream come true. My older sister, Ashley (@ashhettenhausen13 ), is 26 years old, and she has lived with a chronic pain disease known as Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD) or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) since she was 12 years old.

RSD is a chronic disease that is caused by any sort of trauma to bodily tissue. This rare disease causes the nerves in your body to misfire, sending constant pain signals to the brain. It has been described numerous times as feeling as if your body is on fire 24/7. The disease usually starts in one area, most commonly a limb, and ultimately spreads throughout the body to other limbs and vital organs. According to the McGill Pain Index, RSD is significantly more painful than fractures, amputations, non-terminal cancer, and childbirth. What is terrifying about this disease is that suicide rates are high for people who suffer from it.

When Ashley was 12, she was attending a tennis summer camp, and one day she sprained her ankle; that was all it took for the disease to appear. It started out in her ankle and eventually spread throughout the leg and foot, to the other leg and foot, to both of her arms, to her face, and, most recently, to her eyes. Since then she has also acquired other diseases in addition to RSD including: Rheumatoid Arthritis, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Mitral Valve Prolapse, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, and Raynaud’s Syndrome.

Since Ashley was diagnosed with RSD, she desperately wanted to be a nurse so she could help relieve other people’s pain. She struggled with the pain throughout high school and had to drop out when she was one class short of getting her Associate’s degree before attending Goldfarb School of Nursing. Her pain escalated to the point that she could hardly put any weight on her feet. She had to give up her job and her dream of being a nurse because she couldn’t stand for long periods of time. Ashley was put on disability and lives at home with my parents and me.

Because Ashley could no longer go out except for doctor’s appointments, her only friends outside of our family have become people she has met on Facebook groups for people who suffer from the same disease. They have been a much-needed blessing for Ashley and my family. We continuously worry about her depression since she does not leave the house except for appointments.

As a family, we do as much as we can to help distract Ashley from her constant, burning pain, but there is only so much we can do. There are many times when we feel helpless. What has immensely helped Ashley through the pain over the years has been Taylor Swift. She inspires Ashley to keep fighting through the pain. My sister has gone to every one of her concerts held in St. Louis, and her dream is to meet her idol and receive a hug from her. She wishes to tell Taylor her story and how much her music means to her. My parents, Ashley, and I have even taken to social media platforms to try to get her attention. We have made crazy videos telling Ashley’s story and her wish, and while many people like, comment, and retweet, we have had no success in reaching her. We created #HelpAshleyMeetTaylor and use it on every video and post we make, but it seems to be of no avail.

I realize this is a very long shot, but all I want is for my sister’s dream to come true. I love her so much, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She is the strongest, kindest person I know and still manages to smile through the pain. She has such a generous, caring heart and always puts others before herself. I am so proud to have her as my sister, and I know that having the chance to meet Taylor in person would give her a lifetime of happiness.

- Nicole Hettenhausen

[datesoma]

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Type 4, THE INDIVIDUALIST

The Sensitive, Introspective Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Type Four in Brief

Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an   identity)

Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."

When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (stress), aloof Fours suddenly become over-involved and clinging at Two. However, when moving in their Direction of Integration (growth), envious, emotionally turbulent Fours become more objective and principled, like healthy Ones.

Type Four Overview

We have named this type The Individualist because Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others. Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings, and consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.

Healthy Fours are honest with themselves: they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them. They may not necessarily like what they discover, but they do not try to rationalize their states, nor do they try to hide them from themselves or others. They are not afraid to see themselves “warts and all.” Healthy Fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience—so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history. This ability also enables Fours to endure suffering with a quiet strength. Their familiarity with their own darker nature makes it easier for them to process painful experiences that might overwhelm other types.

Nevertheless, Fours often report that they feel they are missing something in themselves, although they may have difficulty identifying exactly what that “something” is. Is it will power? Social ease? Self-confidence? Emotional tranquility?—all of which they see in others, seemingly in abundance. Given time and sufficient perspective, Fours generally recognize that they are unsure about aspects of their self-image—their personality or ego-structure itself. They feel that they lack a clear and stable identity, particularly a social persona that they feel comfortable with.

While it is true that Fours often feel different from others, they do not really want to be alone. They may feel socially awkward or self-conscious, but they deeply wish to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. The “romantics” of the Enneagram, they long for someone to come into their lives and appreciate the secret self that they have privately nurtured and hidden from the world. If, over time, such validation remains out of reach, Fours begin to build their identity around how unlike everyone else they are. The outsider therefore comforts herself by becoming an insistent individualist: everything must be done on her own, in her own way, on her own terms. Fours’ mantra becomes “I am myself. Nobody understands me. I am different and special,” while they secretly wish they could enjoy the easiness and confidence that others seem to enjoy.

Fours typically have problems with a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem. They attempt to compensate for this by cultivating a Fantasy Self—an idealized self-image which is built up primarily in their imaginations. A Four we know shared with us that he spent most of his spare time listening to classical music while fantasizing about being a great concert pianist—à la Vladimir Horowitz. Unfortunately, his commitment to practicing fell far short of his fantasized self-image, and he was often embarrassed when people asked him to play for them. His actual abilities, while not poor, became sources of shame.

In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others. But underneath the surface, they still feel uncertain about who they really are. The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions. Indeed, Fours accurately perceive a truth about human nature—that it is dynamic and ever changing. But because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others. Some feelings are seen as ��me,” while others are “not me.” By attempting to hold on to specific moods and express others, Fours believe that they are being true to themselves.

One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them. Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives.

Leigh is a working mother who has struggled with these difficult feelings for many years.

“I collapse when I am out in the world. I have had a trail of relationship disasters. I have hated my sister’s goodness—and hated goodness in general. I went years without joy in my life, just pretending to smile because real smiles would not come to me. I have had a constant longing for whatever I cannot have. My longings can never become fulfilled because I now realize that I am attached to ‘the longing’ and not to any specific end result.”

There is a Sufi story that relates to this about an old dog that had been badly abused and was near starvation. One day, the dog found a bone, carried it to a safe spot, and started gnawing away. The dog was so hungry that it chewed on the bone for a long time and got every last bit of nourishment that it could out of it. After some time, a kind old man noticed the dog and its pathetic scrap and began quietly setting food out for it. But the poor hound was so attached to its bone that it refused to let go of it and soon starved to death.

Fours are in the same predicament. As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities. To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity (as a suffering victim) and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity (their Basic Fear). Fours grow by learning to see that much of their story is not true—or at least it is not true any more. The old feelings begin to fall away once they stop telling themselves their old tale: it is irrelevant to who they are right now.

[voicesfromthelight]

Getting The Wires Crossed - A Potential Pitfall to Watch Out for in Mediumistic Group Settings

Today, I’d like to discuss an issue that has cropped up for me, once in a while, in the process of learning evidential mediumship in a group setting. Namely, I am speaking of the kind of confusion that can happen when we receive mediumistic information that is genuine and accurate, but, because of the presence of many different energies in the room, fail to recognize the correct recipient of it, sometimes even mistaking messages meant for ourselves, for ones meant for others. I call it “getting the wires crossed.” 

As I’ve mentioned before in my posts, although my connection with my spirit guides is strong, and my readings rely almost completely on their channeled communications, as a medium passing on messages between the living and the dead, I am still a work in progress. Getting the wires crossed is one challenge I have faced in my learning process. I haven’t yet figured out how to resolve this issue, and suspect it is something that mediums grow out of over time, but perhaps being aware that things like this can happen can help all of us catch little mixups like them more consistently. (It can also make for some funny stories, so, why not take this opportunity to share some of them?) I was reminded of this phenomenon last night, at a tango event, when a detail that had come through in a group setting suddenly turned out to be relevant not to a person at that circle, but to myself.

Two days earlier, after a long hiatus from participating in mediumistic message circles, I had attended one organized by The Holistic Studies Institute. This was somewhat outside of my comfort zone, as most of my readings are currently channeled at a distance, and not the result of real-time mediumship. I was excited to get back to honing my skills.

After the initial prayer and meditation, I eased into tuning into the group energy, and then turned my attention to each person in the circle. As the leaders of the circle passed on their first message to a woman sitting across from me, I saw, in my mind’s eye, the Italian island of Sicily. Knowing how clairvoyant symbolism had been working for me, lately, I understood this to either be a literal image of Sicily, or a symbol for the name Cecily (or, at the limit, Cecilia.) I would have to wait until later to confirm the relevance of this communication, as only the leaders were passing on messages during the circle itself.

As the session progressed, I began to receive more impressions of the attendants. One man received a message from one of the leaders of the circle that he would be traveling to Greece next year, and for a moment, I second-guessed myself, thinking that maybe the impression I had gotten of an island in Southern Europe was actually coming from him. Then, looking at a young woman sitting by a window, I saw a flash of silver around her throat, and a symbol of twins above her. I heard a snippet of a name that sounded like Kia, Kyle or Kai. Finally, I saw the Golden Gate Bridge - a symbol for San Francisco. There was an exceptional feeling of urgency to what I knew I needed to tell her: To pursue public speaking, and use her power of communication to align with her highest purpose - to inspire others and make the world a better place.

At the end of the circle, I went over to the young woman, and passed on what I had received. While the name didn’t have a current association with her, it turned out that the symbol of twins was a strongly evidential detail within the context of her family history. The city of San Francisco and the message about public speaking were both relevant, as well. We both felt exhilarated by the exchange, and I felt confident enough to go to the first woman to receive a message that evening, and pass on my impression of Sicily - or Cecily, as the case may have been. My communication was met with a blank stare. “OK,” I thought. That detail might only reveal its relevance later. My job was merely to pass it on. Still, I had hoped for confirmation, so,  I walked away wondering if my imagination had run away with me.

Two nights later - last night - at one of the many Argentine tango events I attend, a lovely woman asked me to dance. (In the New York milonga scene, especially in recent years, it has become more and more common for people to break out of the traditional gender roles that have held such strong sway over the tango world in the past.) I had danced with her once before, earlier in the summer, but couldn’t remember her name, so, after our tanda, I asked her to remind me. “I’m Cecily,” she said.

This wasn’t the first time this had happened. In my last post on The Macarena Incident, you may recall that while meditating on the energies of people surrounding me on the subway, I received the name “Carmen,” thinking it was associated with the man standing next to me. Instead, it turned out to be relevant to my own experience later that evening. As I made my way home last night, I was reminded of other, uncanny incidents of a similar nature. I realized that this has become a bit of a pattern for me in group settings.

Last spring, at a mediumship circle, while meditating, I received very clear impressions of two spirits - a stocky, rustically dressed man named Simon, and a slender woman with brown hair named Millicent. Not recognizing them from my own life, and thinking they were at the circle for someone else, I diligently jotted down all the details, waiting for the circle to open up for attendants to speak up. Lo and behold, when it was my turn to receive my message from the leader of the circle, he described the exact spirits I had picked up on, down to names. As it turned out, the two strangers were there for me. (The story of how Simon and “Millie” proceeded to hang around me for the next few days after crashing that party is the subject of a whole other, weird post.)

One of these kinds of incidents was especially memorable, and a great example of just how easy it can be to miss the obvious when we are caught up in the moment during a reading.

A while ago, right before my guides prompted me to start giving channeled readings professionally, I attended a message circle started by another local medium. We’ll call her Anne. It was a new group, and only Anne, myself, and one other person were in attendance. (That other person would become my first client.) Anne was eager to teach us the process of evidential mediumship, and encouraged us to trust in the impressions we were receiving. She asked me to read her. 

As I tuned into Anne’s energy, I heard the name “Sofia,” and soon, a woman with short, wavy brown hair, dressed in a fancy dress, kind of like one an opera singer would wear to a concert, appeared in my inner eye. What I was seeing, in fact, was my grandmother as a young woman. I assumed that the person coming through for Anne must have looked a lot like her, and my grandmother was appearing as a clairvoyant symbol. As I described what I was seeing, Anne recognized her aunt. The name I had received was not her aunt’s name, however, so I chalked up my error to beginner’s bumbling.

The next day, I spoke to Anne over the phone. In the context of an unrelated conversation, seemingly not remembering the name I had brought through, she mentioned that she had been woken up the previous night by a spirit loudly announcing herself as Sofia, declaring herself to be Anne’s new spirit guide. “Do you think she might be Sofia, the goddess of wisdom?” Anne wondered.

After my phone call with Anne, I went to do my daily channeling session. During it, Salvador casually informed me that Sofia was a departed soul who had been drawn to the circle because of an association with “someone else” who was present, and had decided to become Anne’s spirit guide on the spot.

Then, it hit me, and I burst out laughing. I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to realize what was going on.

My grandmother’s birth name was Sofia.

I had always known my grandmother by the Finnish version of her name she adopted in early adulthood - Sohvi. It was plain to see now that either she had been inspired to take on a new hobby as spirit guide to Anne - whose colorful personality in many ways reminded me of her - or, simply put, she was messing with her.

I sheepishly messaged Anne to inform her that most likely, her newly-minted spirit guide was not the ancient goddess of wisdom, but a mischievous matriarch from the family of Yours Truly. Should she choose to work with her nonetheless, they had my blessing. I thought they would get along just great. In fact, my “Sohvi-mummi” is most probably the person, if any such exists, from whom I inherited my psychic tendencies. It made perfect sense.

I told my mother about this incident, who in turn, told my uncle. My uncle took it in stride, saying that a few days after her death, when he had called her old home number, my grandmother had answered the phone with her maiden name, in the voice of a little girl. (She was deeply disoriented about time towards the end of her life, waking up in her nursing home to agitated thoughts of having forgotten to take the cows to pasture - something she had not done for over 70 years.) It seemed my grandmother had a history of being skilled in inter-dimensional communication.

I don’t think I am the only person studying psychic development or mediumship to whom this kind of thing happens. It’s an interesting phenomenon, and can lead to some very funny situations, as you can see. However, in the long-term, it is definitely in the best interest of everyone concerned to figure out when one’s energetic wires are getting crossed, and, failing that, maybe limit one’s reading practice to private, one-on-one sessions. Often, the simplest solution to these kinds of issues is simply to ask: “Who is this for? Is this for me? Is this for so-and-so?” Alas, so far, my experience has been that this doesn’t always work. So, has this ever happened to you? If so, have you figured out how to plan for such incidents and clear up the confusion? Let me know!

P.S. Since first posting this piece, Salvador has weighed in on how to beat this issue. Here is what he said.

[skruffie]

It’s not the anniversary yet, but it IS National Siblings Day and I conveniently forget that this is even a thing until I go on Facebook or Twitter or something and remember. This year is a big milestone for my family because it is the 18th anniversary, which marks a passage of time from now to forever where she has been gone longer than she was alive.

I saw this thing on Facebook about grief, and it went something like grief is this hole, and you can try to fill the hole with whatever you can, but nothing fills it. It’s bottomless. It seems like your entire life gets sucked into it, but eventually as the years go on... the hole doesn’t get smaller. Your life gets bigger, and it grows around it. The hole is always there, but there’s more expanse around it as you move through each anniversary, each holiday, each milestone. It’s similar to describing grief as “it doesn’t get easier, you just get better at coping”.

(This is going to be very long and probably very sad because I talk at great length about her life and death)

I tried to write about a little bit about Nicole on Twitter today, but my initial post mentioned the word “cancer” which caught the attention of this fucking asshole that was advertising faith healing on his timeline. That dulled my grief a bit but it sure made me mad.

Trying to remember things.

We were seven years apart so we never really had a sibling rivalry or anything. I actually looked up to her so much--she was like a teenage rock star to my child self. She loved writing and wrote lots of poetry, got published in an independent zine by age nine, and through her adolescence was a bit of a grunge punk. She played piano and bass. She wore combat boots. Occasionally she dressed up with the full make-up and everything and called them her “pretty days”. She had a lock of hair in front of her face she kept in a small braid. She did blogging before the word “blog” even existed by maintaining an email list of friends and family, and she would email her updates directly to them. She coded her own websites and experimented with graphic design. She did photography. She’s why I love nail polish and tarot cards and Doc Martens--her own boots had navy blue laces with suns and moons on them. She had a huge, huge crush on Dave Navarro. She would buy hostess cupcakes for the kids at school who didn’t have food, and she kicked her own friends out of our house when they tried to bring alcohol to her party.

Nicole grew up with the brunt of our parents’ addictions before I came along. My mom (seen with baby Nicole in one of the photos above) and dad were only 19 when they had her and got married. When she was younger, they actually split up for a while and I think my great-grandma helped take care of her. My parents both went to rehab, got back together, and then had me, so... I was the baby that grew up in a sober house for a while at least. My parents still argued and it bothered me a lot when I got a bit older, so she’d come get me and take me to her room and bring chips and bean dip, and I’d have a safe place to cry.

...That’s a thought I just had right there. After she died, I didn’t really have that same kind of shield from my parents fighting (which was a lot worse after her death--a lot of couples who lose a child end up divorcing and my parents came close), which I think is probably what made the emotional neglect worse.

I don’t remember the exact progression of her cancer, but things started getting noticeable when she started developing night-blindness. I think at the time there were some doctors that didn’t believe she could be getting cancer so getting the insurance to cover tests and treatment was a fight every single time. A tumor started growing in her left arm, and the diagnosis was finally clear: rhabdomyosarcoma. She asked the doctors after her diagnosis if it was genetic, because even after that, she thought of me. (Thankfully, it isn’t. It was just a stupid, cruel twist of the universe.)

She got chemo, started to go into remission, and eventually it came back. Nicole then got a stem cell transplant when it was getting worse--more tumors, etc etc. I had met with a grief counselor at the hospital once or twice during this time period, even before we knew for sure it was terminal, because I was 10 going on 11 and needed someone to help me process and also like... kinda pay attention to me? Admitting that feels weird, but I was just a kid.

The day that I found out that the stem cell transplant didn’t work is probably almost worse than the day she died for me. They brought in a minister and we sang “Amazing Grace” and I watched her be baptized, and while she was being anointed, I kept asking everyone “Why is she being baptized? Why??? Why?! We’re Wiccan!!” Which was true. Nicole also underwent a Wiccaning around this time. Everyone was ignoring my questions, until finally it was time. She told me the stem cell transplant had not been successful and broke down crying, and I immediately understood what that meant, and I started screaming and crying. I started screaming to see the grief counselor, and I had to leave the hospital room to go with the counselor down to my favorite spot on the hospital campus.

Fuck. I hate Easter. I fucking hate Easter. It was around Easter time and this holiday plays a role in this awful memory of mine: at the hospital, some very kind person made little easter baskets for all the kids that were on the juvenile cancer ward, and I even got to get one even though I wasn’t a patient. I was starting to open mine but Nicole just looked at it. She said “Why do I get one? Why do I get one when I’m going to--” and probably started crying. I put my basket aside because the thrill of like... easter chocolate or whatever the fuck was gone. I don’t think I’ve been able to enjoy this holiday since.

Make A Wish was involved at some point, obviously. NIcole’s original wish was to meet Tori Amos, but her management team responded with “Uhhh, Tori doesn’t really do that” which was disappointing at first. (A few years later, a couple of Nicole’s friends saw T live in concert and met her at a meet and greet. They told her Nicole’s story and I guess she had no idea actually, so I believe it was a decision firmly on the management’s side.). The next wish had to be rushed, and Nicole realized that she wanted to go to prom. The actual senior prom for her high school was going to be too far out in advance with her surviving that long, so Make A Wish threw together a special prom just for her and about 150+ attendees.

The prom was held at Newport Harbor on a yacht. Rebecca Schoenkopf of Wonkette, known in 2001 as CommieGirl for the OC Weekly, met with Nicole once prior to this and attended as a prom guest to write about it. Naturally, Nicole was crowned prom queen and when she stood up to receive the crown, it was something magical. She had spent most of the evening in and out of sleep from being so ill and from the medications she was on.

When she was dying, she wanted to be at the hospital. I stayed at my grandparent’s house... probably for a couple days, I don’t actually remember how long it was, and my parents were there for her. I believe she died in the early hours of the morning on April 30th, two days short of her 18th birthday. I had a moment that morning that I consider a small blessing, which is that I found out she was gone before anyone had actually told me, and it gave me a brief reprise to just be by myself while I gathered up my will to go downstairs and face my parents. I had been in the process of going downstairs, and I saw my mom come out of the bathroom, and that was it. That was all I needed to see.

She had them write a letter as her own personal message to me. Two days later for her 18th birthday, my cousin sent us 18 lavender balloons. I don’t think we had her memorial until the 11th of May and I know this because it was the same day Douglas Adams--one of Nicole’s favorite authors--died. We joked that she took him with her. Nicole was cremated, and I do remember there was at least one funny moment that morning as we were getting out of the car. My mom handed me the wooden box that had Nicole’s cremains in it and said “Here, hold your sister for a sec.” We got a touch of that grave humor in my family.

One of the hardest things about this... hole of grief, is aging. My parents are in their mid 50s now, and I’m going to be 30 next year. I don’t have any other siblings to help take care of my parents. My mom rather flippantly says “Oh, put us in a nursing home”, but that just feels so bleak. I don’t have my sister with me to help with my wedding, to meet Zack or any of my friends, to talk to about our past and our future. She’s not here to kick ass and build amazing apps or tear down the patriarchy or be on the ground reporting the latest news break. There’s so many milestones I’ve already crossed without her but I am always going to miss her.

Bon swayr, ma souer.

[hayleylovestaylorswift13]

Hi Taylor! I made this last October when I was going through some pretty dark times. Your music served as a distraction for me as I was going through what seemed like an unending search the cause of a condition I had called SVT or Supraventricular Tachycardia.

If it was not for your music being released last fall, I do not know what I would have done. I just kept looking forward to new track releases, the album release, merch, boosting for a top spot in line, and tour dates. I no longer have SVT thanks to a procedure called an ablation that cured me this past February. Last fall, however, things got really bad. 

SVT is not life-threatening, but I was having episodes everyday. Basically, SVT causes your heart to jump to a really fast heart rate. For example, I could be sitting on the couch reading a book and my heart would jump into this other rhythm that was between 150-200 bpm. Before last fall, I might have an episode every other month that might last anywhere from 10 secs to 15 minutes. I ignored it for years and doctors told me I was “fine.”

 Last fall, a heart monitor finally caught what I had. I wore a 30 day heart monitor that was almost like a travel EKG machine if you’ve ever had an EKG done. You were these sticky patches and these wires and those attach to a little, portable machine. I would wear it to school and feel awkward and bulky. I would try to hide it with baggy hoodies, but then I stopped caring because it was a part of my life and I was proud of that. 

An electrophysiologist I was seeing at one hospital put me on a beta blocker to keep my heart rate under control. It was not working, though...and things were getting worse. I could not focus in school, as I would have to leave class in fear of my heart going into SVT or fear of looking crazy. I wanted my life back. So...my parents and I decided to get a second opinion.

We saw an electrophysiologist in PA, where I am from. She was amazing. She actually knew what was wrong with me. She showed me a diagram of what was going on in my heart and told me I could be fixed! I cried, with tears in my eyes, and I said, “I want to be fixed.” Dr. H, my electrophysiologist, explained that I had an extra pathway in my heart that was a short circuit compared to the normal pathway hearts take. My heart was essentially taking a short cut, and in return, was working way too hard. It was an easy fix, she explained, and had a success rate of more than 90%. I needed this more than anything. I thought about not being able to attend the reputation tour. It scared me thinking of being at a large concert like your’s and having to lay down to have my heart go back into a normal rhythm which I often had to do during an SVT episode. Either that or someone pour ice cold water on me lol!

So I had the ablation on February 7, 2018. I was terrified, as I never had any previous surgeries. Thankfully, I had my parents there, my then finace’ (now hubby), and my church’s Pastor. It was a total success. Dr. H found what was wrong with me right away. Just like she said, I had that extra pathway. Her and her team made a 3D map of my heart and then continued by burning the problem cells causing the extra pathway. I woke two hours later to some of the greatest words I had every heard: “We got it.” (the extra pathway) 

I had to stay the night in the hospital to be monitored and so nurses could make sure I did not have any bleeding from the incisions. My mom and fiance’ Paul went home and my dad stayed the night with me. We didn’t sleep much, but I was glad to have him there by my side to keep me company.  That morning when nurses were coming in and Dr. H came in to check on me to approve I could leave, she noticed my phone case. It was the gold “Look What You Made Me Do” case from your website that my fiance’ had got me for Christmas. I kid you not, Dr. H got the biggest smile on her face and said, “OMG! Love love Taylor Swift! My daughters and I love her... she is just great!” She then proceeded to ask if I was going to your reputation tour and I told her yes and she said she was also going too. It was such a cool moment :)

So now, I am totally fine, normal, and back to me again. I can come and enjoy your concerts without worry. I wanted to share this story with you not to make you pity me, but to share a part in my life that you were apart of... apart of my life where I felt hopeless about this condition, like I could never step foot outside without my heart doing something wacko! It made me stronger, and reputation was my soundtrack for the good and bad days. Just like all of your albums have been throughout my life, reputation was the backdrop to last fall and the struggles of dealing with SVT and how it altered my life. 

Long story short lol, my mom and I will be traveling from Cleveland to Nashville to see you perform on August 25th. I want to give your THE biggest hug ever to thank you for providing me and so many others with music when we need it most. I Love you @taylorswift @taylornation @tree-paine

Love, 

Hayley 

[bangtanfictiondan]

A night to remember -Chapter one

Y/N’s POV

“Flight 227 to Copenhagen departing from gate 11 in ten minutes.” I’ve been listening to messages like this for over an hour now, I’m still waiting for my turn. I’m going on flight 459 to London, boarding from gate 2. It’s 7am and I barely got any sleep last night, so I should be tired, but of course I’m not! I’m going to a concert tonight, not just any concert, this is basically a once in a lifetime kind of thing since, unfortunately, I was born in the wrong country. You guessed it, I’m seeing BTS tonight, and I couldn’t be happier! Well actually I could… my mom wouldn’t let me go and since my stepbrother had something he wanted to look for, I think it was a skateboard or something, in London, she decided that we could go together. My stepbrother is kind of… I don’t know, he’s really controlling and quite mean. He actually scares me sometimes, and now I had to go to London with him, at least he wasn’t coming to the concert. “Flight 459 to London boardi-” Yes! Finally, it was my turn! I’m pretty much running straight towards the line, I end up at 6th place in line so that’s not so bad. “Hey, you can’t board without Me come back here!” I hear a voice calling. “Well shit…” I think to myself as I start walking towards him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” He grabs my arm, it hurts. “Are you really that excited to see those stupid Asians that you can’t even act like a normal human being, I can’t be held responsible for your stupidity but yet that is exactly what…“ I stop listening, he let go of my arm but it still hurts a bit. We get to the end of the line and show our boarding passes, a flight attendant points us to our seats after wishing us a great flight and gives me a vague smile, I guess she feels sorry for me, she heard him while we were waiting in line.

---

The plane takes off and I can’t believe it, I’m leaving my hometown to go to London, to see Bangtan, that’s crazy, right? Well I’ll go back home tomorrow morning but still. I plug in my headphones and put on some music, I prepped for the trip by downloading like a thousand songs, so I think I’ll be okay. Love maze starts playing and a smile covers my face, I sink into the music and let myself go for a while.

---

We land on Heathrow and take a cab to the hotel, we get settled and he says: “Don’t go anywhere while I’m out.” And then he just leaves. I’m 18 years old I can take care of myself, there’s still a few hours left before I have to leave for the concert and I’m hungry, so I go out to get something to eat. There’s some kind of pub right down the corner so I go in there and decide to order a classic fish n’ chips. I kind of have to, I bet it’s a law for all tourists, while in London you have to eat fish n’ chips. When I’m done eating I stroll down the street, just looking at people, buildings, really cute dogs… Then I decide to go back to the hotel and get ready for the concert.

---

“Where have you been!? I told you not go anywhere, you need to grow up, stop acting like such a brat and listen!” I barely made it through the door before the yelling started, apparently, he got back before I did. “I’m not a child, I can take care of myself, and I just went down the corner to get something to eat. You can’t tell me what to do, and who’s the real brat here!?” I yell back but instead of giving me an answer he hits me. His fist hits my cheekbone before I can even register what’s going down. I hear him swearing and then he storms out and slams the door behind him. By now tears are streaming down my face, he has raised his voice, even raised his hand, but he has never hit me before. I’ve always felt like he might do though so I’m not that surprised. Why now, I can’t deal with this, this day is supposed to be all fun, now I can’t even seem to get my crying ass up from the floor. “Y/N, you need to stand up, right now.” I tell myself. I stand and walk up to the mirror. Half my face is turning purple and my eye is swollen. There’s also a small notch on my cheek, it’s bleeding a little but fortunately it doesn’t seem to deep. I take a deep breath and try to push the tears away, this is nothing a little makeup can’t fix…

---

A little concealer later I’ve covered up most of the purple, of course you can still see the swelling and the notch, but it’s a lot better than before. I’m not gonna let this ruin my night. Right now, I’m gonna focus on having fun, everything else is just gonna have to wait. I finish my makeup, get dressed and go down to the lobby. One of the receptionists help me call for a cab to the concert venue. The whole car ride there the cabdriver is looking at me kinda weird, it’s making me uncomfortable, but at last we arrive, I pay for the cab and get out as quickly as I can. There’s a long line to get into the venue but as soon as the doors open everything goes by quite fast. I’m there pretty early and since I got a standing ticket I’m almost as close to the stage as one can possibly get, there’s just one row of people in front of me. There’s still over an hour until the concert actually starts so in the meantime I talk to some of the other fans around me since I came there alone. It’s a lot of fun and time passes by quickly.

---

The stage lights up with hundreds of spotlights and Taehyungs voice starts flowing through the arena in the beginning of Fake love. The crowd is singing along, screaming, dancing, crying, all at once, army-bombs are swaying in synchronized harmony. My whole body feels warm and I’m happier than I’ve ever been before.

---

Several songs later that euphoric feeling still hasn’t left my body, I think there’s only about seven songs left. In the middle of Yoongi’s verse in Outro: Tear I start feeling lightheaded, black spots are covering my eyelids and everything sounds as if I’m under water. Suddenly I can’t even stay upright, but right when I’m about to fall someone picks me up, I try to see who it is, but everything turns black and me head falls back.

---

I wake up on a black couch with two women and one of the security guards beside me. “Hey, are you feeling okay? Headache? Are you dizzy?” the women are bombarding me with questions. “I’m a bit dizzy.” I answer and try to sit up. “Was it you who carried me here?” I ask the security guard. “Yes, I saw that you were about to faint and just had time to catch you before you fell.” “Oh, thank you.” I say but can’t help but think about how incredibly embarrassing this was, he had carried me all the way here, not that I know where “here” is yet, with everybody watching… One of the women, whom I’ve now figured out are nurses, hand me a glass of water. “Do you know why you fainted? Have you eaten anything today? Have you had plenty of water?” “Yeah I have done both, but this happens sometimes, I get lightheaded really easily, I’ve gotten used to it.” “Well as soon as possible you should go see a doctor, you might have an iron deficiency or something like that, okay?” the nurse says, and I nod. Then I realize that I can still hear the music from the stage, and it’s loud, how haven’t I noticed this until now, I look around and I seem to be by the side of the stage, backstage, I guess… I still can’t really think clearly, my head is spinning. “I should get back to my position.” the security guard says. “Us too, but we’ll be right nearby if you need us, just call for us.” One of the nurses adds. “Okay, and thanks.” I respond before they leave. I can’t believe they’ll just leave me here, for all they know I could be a hired assassin, but oh well. Since I’m still quite dizzy I close my eyes and lean back. Just a short while later a voice interrupts me in my silent slumber. “Hi.”

So guys, the first chapter of my new fanfic “A night to remember”, I know this first chapter is really uneventful and boring but I will upload the second chapter as soon as possible. I just really needed this as an “introduction” to the story! Anyways, tell me your thoughts in the comments and feel free to DM me! :)

[astrotranslations]

[Drunk-dols ③] ASTRO Who Have 'a Lot of Dreams', "We Want To Hold a Fantagio Family Concert Within 4 Years"

You made your acting debut through 'The Best Hit'. Eunwoo: It was fun. There was also a lot that I learnt. It was my first time on a public broadcast but I enjoyed the filming thanks to my seniors. I’ve always wanted to act but that desire has grown even more whilst shooting for this production. I think it’ll be a good opportunity not only as ASTRO but also for my experience in the entertainment industry. I want to do it again if the chance comes knocking.

Your name in the drama was MJ. There’s actually an MJ in your team. Feels like there’re some behind the scene stories. Eunwoo: At the start, I was the only one who got confused. They called me 'J' on set. I go for music broadcasts after having a dawn shoot and there fans would ask, "MJ, have you eaten?". So there were instances where I looked at them. We also have cheer supports and my body would always react each time during MJ’s part. The cameras shoot each of us and even though I’d be acting all gentlemanly and cool, I’ll break into a small chuckle when stuff like that happens. MJ: Seems like it was destiny (laughs).

MJ was an arrogant star in the drama. What’s the actual MJ like? MJ: I don’t know anything (laughs). A drama is just a drama.

Was there anything difficult when you were filming? Eunwoo: It was tough for me to adjust to the set when we were shooting our first scene. It was hard trying to understand the set’s atmosphere. That’s why I was awkward in the beginning. I consulted the director beforehand the scenes I was worried about so they came out better than I thought.

Between an actor and a singer, which is more charming? Eunwoo: The charms of both are really different. You can’t imitate the euphoria you experience on stage. The sense of accomplishment you feel towards the material you prepared is greater for acting. I may come across like a greedy person but I don’t want to lose either of them.

Did the other members monitor Eunwoo’s acting? JinJin: We gathered together and tuned in. At first I only remembered the times when we sat for acting classes together but he acted better than I thought he would so I was unknowingly drawn in. I was wondering how I could tease him but I was shocked. I was a level headed monitor assistant. Not teasing him is a compliment. It’s a silent message.

Did the members really not tease you? Eunwoo: Amongst my lines, there’s one that goes, "Why?" JinJin kept on asking "Why? Why?" then. They really didn’t make fun of me besides that. Seeing as how they didn’t tease me, I thought, "So I did well," (laughs).

Is there a CF that ASTRO would like to film for? Moonbin: ASTRO are 'refreshing-dols'. I want to shoot a CF for a refreshing drink or an ionic one. Eunwoo recently shot for a water park CF but I want us to shoot for it altogether the next time. Eunwoo: Let’s re-contract as six. We did 'drunk-dols' too I want to try for a beer CF as well.

As JinJin said, you recently filmed for water park CF with Sejeong. Did you get along well? Eunwoo: Of course. The CF wouldn’t have turned out as fun if we were just a business relationship. She’s a year older than me. The way each of us think is similar. She’s mature. I depended on her a lot

Is there a celebrity you’re close with? JinJin: Eric Nam hyung. I’ve featured in his song once when we were promoting on music broadcasts. He gleefully attended our concert when I invited him. I’m the sort to contact the other first.

MYTEEN’s Xiheon mention MJ at his debut showcase. MJ: I used to train with Xiheon, we would hit the PC place when practice ended and we were always together. He’s really good at singing and works very hard. I hope we’ll all do well.

WekiMeki debuted. Do you give them advice as their senior? Moonbin: I want to play a role where you realise, "So this is what a senior is like." I hope that our juniors don’t go through the same hard experiences as us. I want to tell them that it’s less exhausting if you communicate well with the company. MJ: I want for us to hold a family concert. Won’t that dream come true 4-5 years later? We would probably have a little brother group then. It’ll feel totally new.

You held a concert in Japan and went to Jakarta for 'Music Bank'. What thoughts cross your mind when you meet your international fans? Moonbin: There aren’t a lot of opportunities for us to meet each other. It’s always a different feeling every time we go overseas. They show us super huge reactions. You can feel the sincerity in their admiration. Even if our languages and the way we express ourselves are different, you can feel how genuine their emotions are so I like that.

It’s known that Eunwoo was no.1 in his whole school. Do you not regret choosing being an idol over your studies? Eunwoo: I don’t know about back then but there’s none now. When I was younger, I didn’t have a lot of interest for dance or being a trainee. If I had that interest then, I wouldn’t have entered fantagio and I probably wouldn’t have been part of ASTRO. I often communicate in English when we would sometimes go overseas. It makes me think that I studied to use my knowledge for such situations. It wasn’t a period that meant nothing.

What would you be doing now if you hadn’t become a singer? Eunwoo: I think I would’ve gone to a medical school. Looking at the long run, I wanted to become a professor. Announcer, anchor, doctor, pharmacist, nurse, prosecutor, soccer player, etc., I really had a lot of dreams. I may have had various dreams before but it’s only ASTRO now.

What is ASTRO’s dream? Eunwoo: To win no. 1 with our next album. Wouldn’t we one day become cool singers who represent South Korea if we continue to achieve our dreams one by one? Moonbin: I want for us to become a group who’s good at performing, like DBSK sunbae-nims. In my person opinion, they’re the coolest amongst idols. DBSK’s synergy as a full group was amazing. As someone who’s personally seen them when I was a child actor, live, visuals, performance, they were perfect in all areas. Looking at the big picture, I want to stand on the 'Super Bowl' stage. It’s a stage only for the really worldwide singers. If we work hard and get the public to like us then I don’t think it’s an impossible dream. BTS sunbae-nims won an award at the BBMA. That just means the whole world is focusing on K-Pop. MJ: The 'Super Bowl' stage is all the members' dream. For the short term, I want to hold a fantagio family concert. I’m really envious looking at pictures from other companies taken amongst themselves. I definitely want to do a concert that has only fantagio’s color.

Source: http://news.jtbc.joins.com/article/ArticlePrint.aspx?news_id=NB11507830

Translations by @99pm​h Take out with full credits

[mentalhorticulture]

How It Began - Now

Well, I figure if I’m going to keep recording my experiences on here, I should probably establish my Origin Story of my bullshit experience with this illness.

After moving back to my hometown to help take care of my mother in September of 2017, I started working a new job and moving into my new place. One morning I woke up and was extremely dizzy. I felt like I was wasted or had a horrible hangover. I shrugged it off for a bit, thinking that maybe it was the stress from all of the commotion, but as I was starting to get settled into my new job while managing the dizziness, I would have episodic periods of feeling extremely lightheaded, nauseous, and like I could not think or stand or see straight. During my first week, I left in the middle of the day and called my mother to come pick me up, since I did not trust myself driving. We called the doctor and I saw a PA in the office who told me I either have Lyme or a viral ear infection. They did a full blood work-up, including 6 tests for Lyme, and nothing came back positive. He told me it was probably a viral ear infection, and that it would just go away on its own. I struggled for almost a month before it fizzled out and I shrugged it off, thinking it must have been an ear infection.

Then around Valentine’s Day, I had to make a long drive to pick up my partner who was attending school at the time, and go visit where we used to live to see friends and go to a concert. The morning I had to leave, I woke up, and the dizziness was back. I was so mad, but I had to keep going. I worked all day, left work, drove all night to pick up my partner and go to the concert. I was weak and dizzy, but eager to see my loved ones. I had a beer at the concert, but could not stay out dancing or drinking like I usually would have done if I were feeling better. The next morning I woke up and the vertigo/dizziness was all consuming. I was so nauseous, and could not lift my head up. I fell multiple times as I was trying to get dressed or go to the bathroom. I eventually ended up in what I can only describe as a “gravity vortex” where I cannot do anything except lie flat on the ground and feel like I am getting sucked into the floor. I can’t move my head, arms, legs, and I can barely speak. After a while we decided that I should not drive back, and my partner had to cancel class the next day to drive me home.

Every day, the dizziness, light&sound sensitivity, confusion, fatigue, floaters, disorientation, EXHAUSTION, etc. etc. etc. continued until I decided to call my doc again. I was getting lost on my way to work. I was mixing up words. I was passing out on the floor whenever I exerted any amount of extra energy. I was fucked up. I saw the same PA as before, and he told me I must have been taking too many supplements (I told him I wasn’t taking any), and that all my blood work was clear, so it must be something in my environment that I am ingesting. He rolled his eyes and said, “If you really want to, you can go see an ENT, but I would just keep a journal of what you’ve been doing/ingesting.” The next day I called back and got a referral to an ENT. 

My ENT was great! Super informative and wonderful. Gave me a bunch of options of what it could be and was my first beacon of hope. Maybe it was just a bunch of lose crystals in my inner ear! Maybe all I would need is an MRI to confirm that and some physical therapy and I’m golden! Maybe it’s a vestibular tumor, but who knows! Alright, let’s get this MRI done, STAT then!

Well, my inner ear was crystal clear, but the nurse called me back and said,

“You don’t have anything in your inner ear, but you do have 6 non-distinct white matter lesions. With someone of your age, this is usually indicative of Multiple Sclerosis. We are referring you to a neurologist, STAT.”

I have family members with MS. They are both quadriplegics, one was bedridden, and the other operates her motor chair with her mouth. I knew what MS looked like. I was on lunch at work, went into the next room, closed the door, and asked the nurse to repeat everything back to me on the report again. I hung up the phone, went outside, drove to Hannaford for some reason, and had a massive breakdown in the parking lot.

Fast forward, the neurologist dicks me around and decides my MRI is not urgent enough to be seen right away, because my lesions are benign. I see my neurologist two months later, and he says the same thing to me he had his nurse tell me over the phone. “Could be migraines. Could be MS. Does it look like MS? Not necessarily. Could it be? Yes.” And proceeded to order another MRI of my brain and cervical spine WITH contrast this time to see if there is any new inflammation. However, their office is so backed up, that I can’t get an MRI for another month. So, I just got my second MRI (first with contrast) this past Monday, June 18th... after experiencing a relapse of all of this bullshit since February. It has been nothing short of maddening.

IF this MRI shows any changes from the last one, it is possible that I can be diagnosed with MS without a spinal tap, which would simultaneously be horrible and a relief.

I fucking hate being in this state of limbo.

I fucking hate not knowing if it’s migraines, Lyme, some fucked up autoimmune, etc. etc. or Multiple Sclerosis.

For now, they’re just throwing meds at me and seeing which ones work. I’m on Meclizine and Diazepam for the dizziness, and they started me on Topamax (some sort of GABA inhibitor/anticonvulsant, I believe), but had to immediately take me off of it since it was quite literally making me lose my mind. Now I’m on Nortriptyline as a maintenance med (an SSRI), which has been giving me some relief. I have also started reading The Wahls Protocol, and have been adhering to a nutrient-dense paleo&keto diet, which has also been pretty helpful. Moreso than the meds at this point, actually.

Right now, my dizziness level has subsided to about a 2 or 3 daily, my confusion/focus issues are waining, my fatigue is improving, but NOW my muscles are fucking with me. It’s hard to carry my laptop bag from the car to my office - my shoulder starts to give out. My back is in a constant muscle spasm. My arms and legs get extremely tired and crampy by the end of the day. And, at times, my feet and fingers go numb or burn, like I have just touched a hot stove.

My neuro never made a follow up appointment, but I see my primary on Monday. Perhaps I will have more direction then. Maybe my MRIs will have answers for me. Just maybe.

[woodworkingpastor]

If we had only known it was the last time -- Philippians 4:5 -- Sunday, September 5, 2021

One of the things I was warned about when I became your pastor was the low attendance on Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends, because so many head to Camp Bethel to Family Camp. That’s fine with me, but I have often thought there should be something special for those of us who are here. Low attendance Sundays can also be low energy Sundays, so how can we perk things up just a bit? My offering toward that today is to begin the sermon with Bruce Springsteen and end with some Donald Davis.

In my work in the Theopoetics and Theological Imagination certificate, we studied how theological concepts can be communicated through many different means: poetry, music, story, and biography to name a few. Bruce Springsteen’s song Bobby Jean is one such offering, I believe, helping us consider what it means to live in a world where sometimes we do things for the last time, only we don’t realize until later that it was the last time.

Bobby Jean appears on the 1984 album “Born in the USA.” It was never released as a single, although over the years it has become a very popular song at concerts (which you will see in a moment). Springsteen wrote the song as a tribute to his good friend Steve Van Zandt, who left the E-Street Band in 1984. Van Zandt had been the lead guitarist in the band’s early years, making a commitment to stay with the band until they “made it big.” Having achieved that goal, he left—although he has since returned as rhythm guitarist.

This meaning is not evident from the lyrics, though. The song sounds like someone expressing regret at not being able to say good-bye to an old and dear friend.

If we had known it was the last time…

And I’m just calling one last time, not to change your mind, just to say, “I miss you baby, good luck, good-bye, Bobby Jean.”

What a nice song lyric. Haven’t we all had the experience of the last conversation that we didn’t know was the last conversation?

I had one of those experiences 15 years ago. It was about 9:00 on an early April morning when my sister called me to tell me that our Grandaddy had died. I’ve told you a number of stories about him over the years—how when I was about 13 my mom told me I had to start sitting on the end of our family pew next to him, instead of where I had been sitting between she and my sister, because I wouldn’t stop picking on my sister during church and she was tired of being the referee; his love of Russell Stover candy; and the time I wrecked his car—so you can imagine the difficulty of that phone call. Grandaddy had been living in a nursing home for about 2 years after he’d broken his hip; but that morning he’d suffered a fatal heart attack. The hardest part of that call was my realization that it had been over two months since I’d talked to him. There was no reason for that—and certainly no excuse for it—I’d just been too busy to make the time to call or drive up to Harrisonburg to visit.

One of the more important things to learn in life is not that we won’t make mistakes, it’s to make sure we learn from our mistakes. I was able to put the lesson of my mistake in letting too much time pass since I’d talked to Grandaddy into practice one of the last times I visited Janice Shober. It was a Tuesday or Wednesday evening of the week when she died on Saturday. Janice knew that her time in this life was very short. We’d been visiting for a while when the home health nurse came, and it was time for me to leave. Before I left, I said to her, “Janice, I will come back to visit, but it might be that when I do, you won’t know I’m here. Would it be ok if I said good-bye to you tonight?” She said that would be fine. So we talked a bit more about a few personal things, I had prayer, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and left.

Trying to live with the awareness of not knowing if we’re doing something for the last time could easily lead us down an unhelpful rabbit hole. I imagine that we’ve also had the experience of knowing we were saying good-bye for the last time—or for the last time in a while—and how those eventually become awkward. Sooner or later you just need to go. It would be weird if every time we said good-bye after church on Sunday we carried on like it was the absolute last time we would see one another again. On the other hand, every one of us has experienced what Springsteen is saying when he sings:

I just called to say I miss you baby, good luck, good-bye, Bobby Jean.

The Lord is near

Philippians 4:5 invites us to live with the awareness that “the Lord is near.”

I would really love to know what Paul was thinking when he added this short sentence in the end of his letter to the Christians in Philippi. I don’t say that in a “What on earth were you thinking, Paul?!” but in a genuinely curious sense, because the Greek word “near” can refer to something being near in space or near in time, and it is not clear which Paul meant.

He might have been thinking “the Lord is near” in how Jesus is physically close or present and is therefore aware of our conduct and concerned about our attitude and is available to come to our aid in times of distress. Depending on how you think about it, that could be either comforting or convicting!

But the phrase could also mean that the Lord is near in time because his return is close and there is good motivation to be gentle in our dealings with everyone—even to people who are unkind to us—because the Lord is soon coming to set everything right. We can put up with some inconvenience for a short while, knowing that it won’t last much longer.

Since we don’t know which of these two possibilities Paul had in mind, we’ll just take them both, remembering that the Jesus who is both “with us always” and “soon to return” is the same Jesus who

did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human for he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:6-8).

Our calling is to “let the same mind be in us that was in Jesus,” to be that way in our dealings with other people.

It seems to me that people who lived closer to Bible times lived with a greater awareness of this than we do. Maybe it was because life was more fragile; for much of human history, for instance, if you started experiencing abdominal pain, you might reasonably expect to be dead in 24 hours. It could be food poisoning, cholera, an appendicitis, things for which there was no known treatment. Maybe it was because the church was sometimes persecuted. Either way, it seems that early Christians and their pastors were more urgent about mending fences and making sure things were good in our relationships in the present.

St. Jerome—one of the absolute giants of Christian history—once fell into disagreement with his aunt. As the situation dragged on, he eventually wrote to her, saying,

Tell me, how are we going to face the Day of Judgment? The sun is witness that it has gone down on our anger not one day, but for many a long year.

The Lord is near, indeed!

In an age when we can be too busy to tend to our relationships, too stubborn to admit when we might be wrong, or simply determined to win every argument, gentleness is becoming a counter-cultural quality. What might it mean to live in our times with gentleness, knowing the Lord is near? I would suggest a few things: Call that person you haven’t talked to in too long. Plant a tree. Start writing a symphony. Begin establishing a lifelong friendship. Take your first steps to build a vocation to last all your days. Welcome a child into our world. Eat, rest, and laugh.

She knew it was her last time

Many of you who attend Sounds of the Mountains regularly have come to love the storytelling genius of Donald Davis. You might also be aware that his wife, Merle, died a few years ago. When Carol and I were talking about this worship service a few weeks ago, she made me aware of a story that Donald Davis tells about his and Merle’s life together, and about how she lived her last days. It is excellent advice for how to live.

The story itself is over 37 minutes long, and the link was provided in this morning’s email. I highly encourage you to listen to the whole thing. We’re only going to listen to a 5 minute audio portion of it this morning. Just prior to the portion we’ll listen to, he describes Merle’s dementia as a piano that loses a key one at a time. Knowing that will help this segment make a bit more sense.

(For our worship service, we will listen to the segment from 20:05 - 25:32).

[raskoolz]

Insight on Enneagram Type 4

Excerpts from: The Enneagram Institute

THE INDIVIDUALIST Enneagram Type Four

The Sensitive, Introspective Type:

Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Type Four in Brief

Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an   identity)

Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"

Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."

The Meaning of the Arrows (in brief)

When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (stress), aloof Fours suddenly become over-involved and clinging at Two. However, when moving in their Direction of Integration (growth), envious, emotionally turbulent Fours become more objective and principled, like healthy Ones. Learn more about the arrows.

Type Four Overview

We have named this type “The Individualist” because Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others. Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings, and consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.

Healthy Fours are honest with themselves: they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them. They may not necessarily like what they discover, but they do not try to rationalize their states, nor do they try to hide them from themselves or others. They are not afraid to see themselves “warts and all.” Healthy Fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience—so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history. This ability also enables Fours to endure suffering with a quiet strength. Their familiarity with their own darker nature makes it easier for them to process painful experiences that might overwhelm other types.

Nevertheless, Fours often report that they feel they are missing something in themselves, although they may have difficulty identifying exactly what that “something” is. Is it will power? Social ease? Self-confidence? Emotional tranquility?—all of which they see in others, seemingly in abundance. Given time and sufficient perspective, Fours generally recognize that they are unsure about aspects of their self-image—their personality or ego-structure itself. They feel that they lack a clear and stable identity, particularly a social persona that they feel comfortable with.

While it is true that Fours often feel different from others, they do not really want to be alone. They may feel socially awkward or self-conscious, but they deeply wish to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. The “romantics” of the Enneagram, they long for someone to come into their lives and appreciate the secret self that they have privately nurtured and hidden from the world. If, over time, such validation remains out of reach, Fours begin to build their identity around how unlike everyone else they are. The outsider therefore comforts herself by becoming an insistent individualist: everything must be done on her own, in her own way, on her own terms. Fours’ mantra becomes “I am myself. Nobody understands me. I am different and special,” while they secretly wish they could enjoy the easiness and confidence that others seem to enjoy.

Fours typically have problems with a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem. They attempt to compensate for this by cultivating a Fantasy Self—an idealized self-image which is built up primarily in their imaginations. A Four we know shared with us that he spent most of his spare time listening to classical music while fantasizing about being a great concert pianist—à la Vladimir Horowitz. Unfortunately, his commitment to practicing fell far short of his fantasized self-image, and he was often embarrassed when people asked him to play for them. His actual abilities, while not poor, became sources of shame.

In the course of their lives, Fours may try several different identities on for size, basing them on styles, preferences, or qualities they find attractive in others. But underneath the surface, they still feel uncertain about who they really are. The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions. Indeed, Fours accurately perceive a truth about human nature��that it is dynamic and ever changing. But because they want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others. Some feelings are seen as “me,” while others are “not me.” By attempting to hold on to specific moods and express others, Fours believe that they are being true to themselves.

One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold onto negative feelings about those who have hurt them. Indeed, Fours can become so attached to longing and disappointment that they are unable to recognize the many treasures in their lives.

Leigh is a working mother who has struggled with these difficult feelings for many years.

“I collapse when I am out in the world. I have had a trail of relationship disasters. I have hated my sister’s goodness—and hated goodness in general. I went years without joy in my life, just pretending to smile because real smiles would not come to me. I have had a constant longing for whatever I cannot have. My longings can never become fulfilled because I now realize that I am attached to ‘the longing’ and not to any specific end result.”

There is a Sufi story that relates to this about an old dog that had been badly abused and was near starvation. One day, the dog found a bone, carried it to a safe spot, and started gnawing away. The dog was so hungry that it chewed on the bone for a long time and got every last bit of nourishment that it could out of it. After some time, a kind old man noticed the dog and its pathetic scrap and began quietly setting food out for it. But the poor hound was so attached to its bone that it refused to let go of it and soon starved to death.

Fours are in the same predicament. As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities. To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity (as a suffering victim) and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity (their Basic Fear). Fours grow by learning to see that much of their story is not true—or at least it is not true any more. The old feelings begin to fall away once they stop telling themselves their old tale: it is irrelevant to who they are right now.

[dmtrtyping]

yesterday, mom showed me so many old pictures of our family. the pics from when i was a child, dad’s pics when he’s still young and much thinner that he is now, grandpa’s pics when he’s still here. then i thought. if only both of my grandpas, and my paternal grandma are still here right now, will they be proud of me ?. 

i lost my maternal grandpa first, i was in middle school. he passed away after a long battle with diabetes, parkinson’s disease and other complications. he passed away just a few days before i have to leave for a student exchange in singapore. i was young back then, so the pain was manageable. but seeing the pain my mother felt, it hurts. i cried the day i had to miss his funeral because i wasn’t at home.

and then i went home from my student exchange. i landed at midnight, and went straight to the hospital to visit my paternal grandma who’s been at the icu for weeks. yes, both my paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather were admitted to the hospital at almost the same time. it was a tough time for our family.

not even two days after i last visited her, she passed away too. and that was probably less than two weeks after my maternal grandpa passed away. this time, seeing dad’s tears hurts so much. dad was never the type to cry easily. he always has this strong facade on. but when it comes to the mother he loved so dearly, the mother who pushed him to pursue the career that he has right now, he discarded that strong facade for once.

a couple years later, i lost a great aunt. she is grandpa’s sister, and she’s not married so she lives with us. i spend a lot of time with her especially during holidays and traditional ceremonies. she taught me a lot about making certain offerings to the gods, and to our ancestors, she’s used to be the one to organize my balinese birthdays. 

the day she passed away will forever be in my head. i was at the hospital by myself. because i was supposed to pray at the hospital’s temple, and then pay her my usual evening visit. but then i got a call from dad when i was at the parking lot. he told me that he’s in the middle of a surgery, and he got a call that her condition is declining. i remember just not caring if i looked crazy as i ran from the parking lot at the front all the way to the intensive care unit at the back. 

i was too late. when i arrived there, the nurse told me that she had passed away just now. i couldn’t talk to her one last time. if only i had ran a bit faster, maybe i could be there so she wouldn’t have to be alone when she passed away. but maybe it was for my sake, for it could have hurt me way more than it did. 

i’ve always had a dream that i wanted my grandparents to see me graduate college, or high school at least. i really want them to be proud of me. 

when my paternal grandpa is still around, i had hoped that he’d live long enough to see his granddaughter become a doctor, just like his son did. he’s always at home, and he’s so healthy at the time that i was confident he’s be around for a long time.

but then 2019 happened, and i lost him. but he didn’t go without a fight. he spent two long periods at the hospital. in and out of the intensive care unit. i was supposed to fly to jakarta that time, and watch shawn mendes perform. i remember fighting to get the tickets since march, but then october rolled around and grandpa isn’t showing any signs of improvement. so i let that chance go. grandpa means more than a concert that i could probably attend in the future. it just didn’t feel right for me to have fun, when grandpa isn’t even awake at the hospital.

even if it was short, i cherished all the years i get to know my grandparents. although i wished younger me would’ve been more thankful for them. now i could wonder what i’d be like, having discussions with grandpa about my studies in uni, listening to the repeated stories of their days when they were young, hear their laughs and see their awkward poses when we take family pictures.  

my dearest pekak, kokoh, dadong, kak raden,

the world is in chaos right now,

but i hope you’re having a great time up there. 

talking to each other about your golden days, 

over a cup of tea or coffee, 

while looking over me,

over us.

[hillarystarbright]

I have just under 30 days before I vacate my apartment and hit the road in an RV — which I technically do not yet have.

I have given away most of my clothes, I have packed up half of my apartment, and I have organized an insane amount of schwag. I pick up some cool promotional things from just about every 5k, festival, fun run, concert and foodie event I attend, which leads to a truly astounding array of can koozies, cup coasters, hats, lighters, posters, ticket stubs, race medals, and other random accoutrements.

And don’t even get me started on my collection of cookbooks. This is maybe half of it.

I have, of course, had my mom here to help me. She was in my apartment before I was even discharged from the hospital (see previous post), and has been here since, helping me with cooking, cleaning, laundry, and all sorts of other things, while my broken back heals.

I have also had other family to come cheer me up and help out; my sister and her partner came from Texas, and my brother came from Ventura county with his wife. It has been wonderful to spend some time with them all, especially since I don’t know how much longer I’ll be around.

Aren’t we all adorable?

To make a very long story very short, my brother and I, for reasons beyond our control as children, didn’t meet each other until we were adults. Since then we have developed a truly wonderful relationship, but it’s kind of a bummer that we weren’t given the chance to know each other for our whole lives.

Regardless, we are making up for lost time, in the best way ever: with BBQ.

Big brother writes a blog, too, check out his theme park blog at Park Journey. Because he goes on so many trips to theme parks, I get the benefit when he shows up with things like a big bottle of boysenberry concentrate from Knott’s Berry Farm.

I made the most awesome Boysenberry Baby Back Ribs! (See the end of this post for the recipe.)

We also went out with another friend to check out some RV sales lots, so I can get an idea of what type of vehicle I want. I don’t have a truck (or even a car) so I don’t want something I have to haul, and I need something with a standard bed, i.e., not one I have to climb a ladder to get into, or unfold from a table or something. It’s too hard on my poor broken back!

Anyway, I think I narrowed it down to the type of Class C RV I need for this trip.

I will continue to update as I prepare to take off on this amazing trip of a lifetime. I do not yet have an itinerary; nor do I plan to have one. I have a lot of people I would like to see, and there are a lot of monuments and national parks and just beautiful areas of the country that I’ve never seen, and now that I am running out of time, I am very excited to see. I even splurged and bought myself the best travel gift ever: a brand new, spiral-bound, Adventure Edition road atlas!

This baby even has a full section on all of the national parks! I probably won’t be driving to Alaska (although you never know), but other than that, I really want to see all of the national parks. This will be so fun!

And, yes. I am excited. I have something truly life-changing and amazing to look forward to. I know it might seem weird, in fact I got a few comments and messages about how happy I seem to be about a bucket list road trip. All I can say to that is, I learned a lot from when I had breast cancer before; and I learned a lot about control.

When you have cancer, it’s easy to feel like you have no control over your life … you’re told what to eat, what medicines to take, what horrible treatments to do to your body. You feel like your own body is betraying you; like no matter what you do, this cancer is the one in control, not you. And to a certain extent, that is true.

But.

But.

You always have control over your own reactions to things. Sure, you can be a jerk to the nurse treating you, and probably nobody would blame you, because you have cancer and you’re in pain or you’re sick. But being a jerk isn’t going to make you feel any better. It certainly won’t make your treatment any easier.

A positive attitude, sometimes, is all you have.

I’ve always been a happy person. Sure, I have problems like everyone else, but I am generally happy. I have (had) a great career, a house on the beach, a great boyfriend, a wonderful family, amazing friends .. I don’t have a lot to be angry at the world about. And I am sure not going to let cancer take anything else away from me.

Being sick; I can’t control that.

But I can control how I react to it.

I choose not to be afraid.

I choose not to be angry.

I choose to be happy despite the pain.

I choose to make every moment count.

I choose to live my life as I want to live it.

I choose to end it the way I want to end it.

I am going to ride out on the greatest bucket list trip ever. Hopefully I will see everything I want to see, live another five years, and write a great book about my adventures. Maybe I will have to cut my adventure short if I get too sick or am in too much pain. But I will ride as long as I can and see as much as I can for as long as I can.

It’s gonna be so rad!

  ≡

Boysenberry Baby Back Ribs 

(Instant Pot Recipe)

Ingredients:

Two (2) baby back rib racks

 about 1/2 of 1 bottle of Knott’s Berry Farm Boysenberry Punch Concentrate, separated (you can purchase online here)

1 cup water

8 oz. tomato paste

3 tbsp. brown sugar

about 1/2 diced onion

1-2 heads of crushed garlic

smoked salt* and fresh cracked pepper

To prepare:

Place a rack in your Instant Pot inner pot. Add approx. 1/4 of the bottle of boysenberry concentrate and the water to the pot.

Coat the ribs with salt and pepper, and arrange on the rack in the Instant Pot. Set on high pressure for between 15-25 minutes, depending on the thickness of the meat. (Don’t overcook, or the ribs will fall apart before you can eat them; more than 30 minutes will have all the meat falling off of the bone no matter how thick the ribs are.)

While the ribs are in the Instant Pot, sauté the diced onion and garlic with the olive oil in a small pot on the stove. Once the onion is translucent, add the tomato paste and the brown sugar, as well as smoked salt and pepper.

Whisk in about another 1/4 of the bottle of boysenberry concentrate VERY SLOWLY as the sauce simmers. Do not let the sauce get scorched.

Allow the Instant Pot to depressurize naturally, which should take about 15 minutes, at the same time that you allow the sauce to gently simmer.

Once the Instant Pot has depressurized, remove the ribs, coat them in the sauce, and place in your air fryer or under a broiler for about 5-7 minutes until the sauce gets caramelized. Serve and eat immediately.

  *Note: I do not believe in using Liquid Smoke, and smoked salt is an excellent substitute for actual smoked meats, etc. If you must (gulp) use Liquid Smoke, go easy on it.

      Boysenberry Baby Back Ribs and Planning for the trip of your life I have just under 30 days before I vacate my apartment and hit the road in an RV -- which I technically do not yet have.

[davidvelezmd]

“How [Resilient] Thou Art”

Cancer is a meddlesome disease. During my Internal Medicine rotation at York Memorial Hospital in York, PA, I worked with patients in the Hematology/Oncology unit. It was a difficult few weeks. However, as I spent more time on the wards, I grew comfortable learning medicine; and more importantly, growing closer to patients.

One patient that sticks out in my mind is WB. She has a history of various cancers and presented to the hospital with fatigue and dizziness, secondary to R-CHOP chemotherapy for Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Cancer has plagued her health as of late, but WB was excited to share how she has been able to overcome so many obstacles in her life.

On my first encounter, she was extremely warm - physically and personality-wise. My hands were ice cold after using sanitizer prepping for her physical exam, but she liked how my hands cooled her down. Through my patient interview, I got to know about her life story. WB lives on a farm with her husband where they happily raised their children; now she gets to enjoy her new grandkids. She loves her family immensely. Unfortunately, she has been sick for the last decade of her life. Before becoming ill, she worked full-time as a manager for Comcast Television. For years, WB would travel across the US and internationally to train employees. According to her, she saw every corner of the USA and loved it.

Her work trips were cut short in 2016 when she had a seizure after a plane ride from Seattle to Philadelphia. This marked the beginning of her journey with an aggressive brain cancer, Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM).

GBM was scary for her. Too many treatments, too many doctors and too many medical bills which became overwhelming at the time. When I asked her how she survived her brain cancer, she said "prayer really works". I learned that her favorite song is "How Great Thou Art" performed by Carrie Underwood. This was a really special song for her. She states that prayer helped her see God in her life, which gave her hope to reach remission.

Throughout the rest of the week, I visited her to gather physical exam findings, check orthostatic blood pressures and catch up on her life. She had many family members visit her throughout her stay. I met her husband, parents and best friends. I witnessed her immense social support and how all of her loved one’s care for her deeply. I could tell that this was not the first time they had to support her cancer battle. WB's health was a priority to them. They appeared to be seasoned caretakers and hopeful that she would kick back this new Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

There's something beautifully resilient about WB. Before her brain cancer diagnosis, she had cancer of her uterus 15 years ago. This new blood cancer marks her third encounter with cancer. She knows the exhausting treatment, she knows the nauseating side effects, and she knows the darkness that comes when facing her mortality. However, she always reminded herself thatshe finds the will to live in her family’s love for her. WB’s determination shines light on her onerous path to beating cancer.

Towards the end of her stay at the hospital. I received a page from her nurse saying that WB would like an extra dose of her anxiety medication. My attending approved the request. I went to WB's room asking if she was okay. She was sitting up in bed, glossy eyed and staring into her sheets. I pulled up a chair next to her. Then she turned to me and sorrowfully said "I don't want to die." This moment left me gutted.

I did not know what to say. My tongue felt heavy, but I knew I needed to respond some way. As a 23-year-old who has had a long stretch of good health up until this point, it's hard for me to relate to someone who's been battling cancer for decades. I saw her terrified by a possible reality that she has faced before and now questions her ability to overcome mortality. This moment let me witness the vulnerability that sets the stage for showcasing her resiliency.

Instead of saying something, I played her favorite song, "How Great Thou Art" on my phone. Once the song came on, the nurse came and brought her anxiolytic. She was immediately relieved. The lyric in the song, “That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing” was embodied when she took a deep breath and tuned into the music. I could see her feel better when she closed her eyes and rocked back and forth. I believe WB saw the symbol of the cross as a picture of comfort for her woes.

I witnessed WB watch a concert performance by Carrie Underwood helping her shake off her anxiety. She found joy in the song’s message. WB was no longer paralyzed by fear; she was able to exchange being overwhelmed with awe over the great love she has in her family. Despite her circumstances, she finds comfort in appreciating the blessings she has in life. This moment will never leave my heart.

When people say that someone is resilient, maybe it means that someone is able to withstand difficult circumstances. And when we behave resiliently enough times, perhaps we can be considered a resilient person. WB’s behavior led to her to survive her cancer diagnoses in the past; I believe third time is the charm, hopefully for good.