#loneliness has always been a big struggle for me and it’s been worse since my online friends functionally dumped me last winter

[captainbackfat]

God dating apps are the worst thing humanity has ever created why am I doing this to myself

[tarabyte3]

I'm not going to lie, December has been a pretty rough month.

(vent post. mind the tags.)

I have been struggling with anxiety, writer's block, RSD, loneliness, and some extreme imposter syndrome. (To the point I had to talk myself down from just fully deleting some of my drafts/WIPs. Because, unfortunately, I'm not a big fan of my own writing at the moment. And I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves to other people. I know we're only supposed to write for ourselves. I know that! But sometimes I look at how many hours I've put into my writing, and then look at my numbers on here and AO3, and I feel discouraged. Like, maybe that's a sign that I'm not very good at it so what's the point. Of course more people don't want to read it. I don't blame them! I'm kidding myself. OR maybe it's me specifically that people just don't like! Makes sense. Then the writer's block kicks in, which makes me feel bad, which makes it impossible to write, etc. A vicious cycle.) Tl;dr my self esteem is in a stagnant pool of murky gutter water.

On top of that, I recently learned that someone I quietly blocked on here a month ago (due to a lack of boundaries and trauma dumping in my DMs with no warning or consent, which went on for weeks) has since messaged other Andy fan pages on other social media platforms (that I've never spoken to!!), talked about me to them, and portrayed me as a hateful bully. Which was very upsetting and baffling! Because 1. even the thought of being mean to someone makes my stomach hurt (it took me over a week to make the decision to even block them in the first place because I felt horrible about it), and 2. all I want to do is exist, thirst over Andy Serkis, and hang out in my own lane. 😩 So I know, logically, I didn't do anything wrong by inserting a boundary and gracefully exiting a situation which was causing me stress and anxiety. But the part of my brain that tries to convince me that I'm actually a horrible, cold, obnoxious, unlikable person has had a fucking feast with that.

Then I had to deal with my shitty family over Christmas. They're very good at finding new and interesting ways of excluding me and making me feel like an outsider. I never know why, though, and I'm not sure which is worse: that they're doing it intentionally, or that I matter so little they don't even realize or think twice about doing it.

All that being said: Please don't worry about me. I'm safe and I will be okay. In time. It's just that the holidays are stressful, it gets dark at 4:30, I'm always tired, I'm sad, I can't write for shit lately, and I had to get this off my chest so that maybe I would feel light enough to finally dig myself out of that pit. At the very least, I'll do it for spite because I am also quite mad about that second thing.

[neurodiversebones]

so almost everyone in the squint squad has established childhood trauma (brennan, booth, sweets), what was all of their mental health like when they were younger? how did they cope? i hope you're doing alright!!!

OH i really adore this question !!! i <3 angst potential and i love these mf's sad backstories . gonna be honest, this is darker than most things i've posted before. it's mostly based on my own experiences and the experiences of a lot of my close friends- i'm gonna put a trigger warning for mention of abuse, self harm, eating disorders , substance abuse (drugs and alcohol), and suicide under the read more . please take care of yourselves !!! nothing is given graphic detail, but use your judgement and please don't read if it'll trigger you . i love you !!!

this evolved past just . their younger years and kind of became their Journeys with their mental health . i have a lot of thoughts pls ask me more about this omg :-))

i wrote so fucking much about this btw . i didn't know i had that many thoughts about this until i started writing and couldn't stop . my brain is Buzzing with angst for them .

brennan : brennan's mental health was always a little rocky, since she really struggled with loneliness in school, and didn't have many friends . as a kid, she never really understood why people didn't like her. she knew there was something different about her, but she couldn't see why people were so mean to her- the bullying lasted pretty much from the time she started school to graduation, and it was hell. a lot of adults didn't believe her or want to help her, and so she spent a lot of her childhood thinking that it was her fault she felt so alone. she didn't get to experience friendships as a kid, and despite learning being her favourite thing in the world, school was never a safe place for her.

however , once her parents left it got a Lot worse- the abandonment, and subsequent abuse she experienced in foster care, is what triggered her to develop ptsd. she was in some really bad homes- we get a few of the details in canon (like the family that locked her in the trunk of a car for breaking a dish), but there was always more. some were outright violently abusive, like that one, some were neglectful, and some, while not actively horrible, made it very clear that they didn't care much for her and she wasn't really a part of their family. she struggled with a lot of depression and hopelessness in her teen years because of this- the abuse was really difficult to deal with, and she turned to self harm and an eating disorder as a way to give herself some control over the situation. she spent almost all her time hiding away in her room studying, so between that and the constantly chaotic living situations, nobody even noticed what she was doing to herself. a social worker made her do therapy once, but she refused to speak the entire session, and continued to do so until she was allowed to quit. it hurt her, that nobody cared enough to notice that she was hurting herself, but she didn't want to ask for help because she refused to rely on anyone else after she'd already been abandoned once.

this, along with passive suicidality, followed her into adulthood, especially because she refused to address the problem or seek help. even for a good part of canon (really, up until season 6), we see her struggle with her mental health, struggling to understand the trauma she experienced as well as struggling to comprehend that even with all of that in her past, she can have positive relationships. her friendships helped her a lot though !! her friends at the jeffersonian were pretty much the first time in her life she wasn't... alone. this, along with actually finally seeking out help (therapy and meds), helped her to recover so she could finally feel Alive again (a big motivation for her was so that she could be a good mom to christine and hank <3) .

booth : we know from canon that booth has ptsd and experienced suicidal thoughts in his childhood . the trauma of the abuse from his dad fucked him up a lot- when he was a kid, he didn't really let it show, since he was in survival mode. he tried to be the best he could, be charming and happy and smart, both to avoid the abuse and to make sure nobody found out, since it was guaranteed that would make it worse. once he and jared were finally able to escape it and go live with their grandfather, it was the first time he actually let himself feel those feelings, and it was bad. his trauma manifested through anger- he wanted to hurt his dad for the torture he put them through, but he couldn't, so he took it out on himself instead. i think he struggled a lot with self harm in his youth and teen years, and continued to struggle with suicidal thoughts. he attempted, once, in highschool, but just woke up the next morning and pretended everything was fine. none of his friends ever knew he was hurting, most of them didn't even know about what he'd gone through as a kid. but his grandfather found the note in his room that day and talked to him about it when he got home, and he cried for probably the first time in years. that's what got him to finally accept help- he didn't realize how bad it was until that conversation.

another thing that was really triggering for him was alcohol- he was a football player, and all his friends were party boys. they drank a lot, and he usually avoided it. the most he ever had was a single beer, since he was terrified of losing control and being like his father. there was one time he got wasted- it was at a party, and he stumbled home that night. jared was in the kitchen, getting something to eat . booth was about 16 then, so jared was only 12 or 13. jared saw that he was drunk, and completely froze in fear, completely having a flashback. this fucked booth up- he was absolutely terrified of drinking from there on out, and was pretty much 100% sober until he was out of college.

angela : angela's mental health was pretty good until her late teen years (around 16). she had good friends, lots of hobbies, and she was really close with her dad. we don't know what happened to her mom, but i suspect it wasn't anything good- either she died when angela was young, or left. angela had some Issues with that, but it wasn't a huge deal for most of her life, since it had almost always been just her and her dad. when she was about sixteen though, things got rough- this is when her bipolar started, and it was really hard. she would cycle really rapidly in between manic and depressive episodes, and had some really terrifying mixed episodes as well (which can be really dangerous). she started getting more self destructive too- she developed an eating disorder around this time (bulimia), and started engaging in a lot of reckless behaviour that she could excuse by being a "party girl". she would binge drink, experiment with drugs, have reckless sex, etc. people worried about her, but she didn't even understand how dangerous any of it was until she hit rock bottom right at the end of her junior year. she was wildly depressed, and could barely get out of bed- her dad pulled her out of school, and she spent the last month of the school year just trying to get better. he cancelled a bunch of tour dates just to be with her and help her recover, and with a lot of help, things did start to get better.

her senior year, she didn't feel like going back to the place that had her so ill. and so she did her final year through homeschool, and spent it on the road with her dad. this was the best decision she ever made- it's where she fell in love with art, painting all the beautiful things she saw and learning to express how she was feeling through creation rather than destruction. when she goes to college the next year , she's in a MUCH more stable place and although she still struggles, she's much better at coping.

hodgins : hodgins started struggling with his mental health at a pretty young age (like, early middle school), but because of his families status, it was frowned upon to talk about. he didn't understand what was going on with him, just that he was so, so angry and sad all the time. he thought that something was wrong with him, that he was broken in some way, but he knew instinctively that it was something he wasn't supposed to talk about. he realized he was trans sometime around this age too, which really impacted his mental health- his dysphoria was really bad at this time, since there was nothing he could do about it. he had to keep his hair long, wear the "girls" uniform at school, act like a "proper lady" when his family was around. there was so much anger and sadness inside of him that he just didn't understand or know what to do with, which lead to a long battle with self harm that continued into his adulthood. his parents were aware of this, they just... wanted to ignore it until it went away.

when he was an older teenager, there was more he could do- he chopped all his hair off, which infuriated his parents, and was constantly in detention in school for refusing to wear the "proper" uniform. he wouldn't respond to his deadname, only jack, which got him in a lot of shit both in school and at home. he was already hurting himself as a way to rebel against this, but turned to drinking and drugs as another way to say "fuck you" to his family and the life he never felt like he belonged in. he fell in with a rougher crowd, since they were the only ones who understood and accepted him, and got into a bunch of trouble as a teen. he doesn't like to think back on those years. through university, he cleaned up his act a little, but really only on the outside. he was still wildly depressed, drinking, and so goddamn angry. it wasn't until he found his passion in school that he really started to care about his life- but once he found it, he realized he really did want to live. it was still really fucking hard, but he started to try to get better. he stayed mostly no-contact with his family, and started engaging in life more, trying to find hobbies and friends and have relationships that didn't revolve around just suffering and surviving together.

cam : cam grew up with a big pressure to be the perfect child placed upon her- she was the oldest daughter, and spent her whole childhood being "the smart one". she was really popular too, and from the outside looked like she had everything. but she really struggled with loneliness, and didn't feel like she fit in anywhere due to her undiagnosed autism and the pressure to constantly mask. the pressure of keeping up with her friends, of having perfect grades, of getting into the perfect school, of making her parents proud... caught up with her a lot once she was in her mid-late teen years. her eating disorder started around 15, and it offered her a huge sense of control in a world where she didn't feel like she had much- it was the easiest way to get away with hurting herself too. and it got her the approval and praise she wanted so badly- she looked like she was being healthy, and everyone praised her for how "good" she looked. it helped her fit in.

speaking of fitting in, her loneliness and the pressure to mask was really hard in highschool. sure, she had lots of friends, but she didn't feel like she connected with a single one of them. she knew there was something different about her, but she just couldn't figure out what it was. and so, she did everything in her power to try seem "normal". her friends were big party-goers, and so she would be too. she would drink... a somewhat concerning amount at parties. it was the only time she wasn't stressing about looking "right", about acting "normal". she was fun, and bubbly, and people liked her. boys liked her, her friends were too drunk to care that she was so obviously different to them, and she wasn't worried for once in her life. it doesn't help that alcohol and restrictive eating disorders is a known Really Bad Combination.

her ocd was also a big part of why she needed so much control in her life- her ocd started in childhood, around age 9. people thought she was just an anxious kid and a bit of a drama queen, but it was really scary for her. she had a lot of intrusive thoughts about the people around her getting hurt, and so her compulsions were really urgent and terrifying because she was so scared of things being her fault. in her teen years, her ocd fed into her ed a lot, but it also isolated her even further- she was so scared of being ostracized that she never enjoyed herself and . it sucked, to be the person who was always smiling but never really felt happy.

[locura-azul]

So last tuesday I had my first session with a therapist. The session felt a bit short even though it was 45 minutes long which seems pretty standard (I don't really know, it's my first time going to therapy. Yes I know I should have started going years ago). She had another client after me so it had to be cut short a bit abruptly. The focus was obviously the most recent difficulty, which was my isolation in Italy and how its extended into my return to the states. My main issue is that I'm suffering from a deep and profound loneliness. Honestly, I thought coming back for a little while wouldn't be so bad, but it's now become more than a little while and in all this time that I've been back I have barely seen any of my old friends due to the crushing conditions that capitalism puts on everyone in this country as well as other people who just turned out to not be the friends they claimed to be. I really hit a low the previous Friday, I wished I was dead for the first time since I was 20, it was really scary feeling that way again after so much time, after surviving many other hardships that we experience through life. At any rate, my two best friends are out in LA and Chicago which is super far from me so I obviously haven't been able to see them. Another problem is that I'm always afraid of being a burden on other people so I put off reaching out for help until I'm really teetering on the edge which is something I need to be better about. But yeah my therapist pretty much said, you're obviously a really social person and going from having and exceptionally active social life to have absolutely none whatsoever it's no surprise you are feeling the way you are. So she suggested I find some group activities I can sign up for to just get out and meet new people and socialize. I'm working towards that. I called my best friend in California that night in tears and told her everything that has been going on and it really helped a lot. We were on the phone for over 2 hours. She also encouraged me to find groups, that she had done the same after covid because she went through a period of real loneliness after the fact because covid exposed that a lot of people who she thought were her good friends were on the surface people and she needed to get out there and meet new like minded people. So I took a baby step, I went to the salon not only to get a much overdue haircut but also for that chatter you get at the salon with your stylist and the other clients there. Then I also solidified plans with one of the few friends I still have locally, and we got together and we were both super transparent about where we are at and what we are going through and it turns out we are both really going through it lol imagine that. We also both have the same fear of being burdens to others and have been struggling with loneliness. We decided that together we are going to find a hiking group to join to get out there and socialize more. We also are going to be more consistent about getting together and checking up on eachother. I'm interviewing at an old cafe job I've held in the past because I need to do something and it's also good in the sense I have to socialize a lot more in that job too. I'm going to get out of this alive. I have been through worse. I need to focus on the present for now and take each day one step at a time. Some big changes could be coming for me in the next few months depending on a few things but you can't live in the future, you can only live in the right now and try your hardest to keep going because if you give up now there will be no future to live through.

[journallingweeks]

I can't sleep

I can't sleep, so I decided I'd journal. I'm in my office with the big light on. I don't want to toss and turn for ages in bed feeling restless. I feel pretty low, and I've been anxious all day. I think I've tried my very best to chase it away, and now I just have to sit with it. All day I tried cleaning, planning out extremely detailed meal plans orientated around gut health, working on designing my website. I noticed I was trying pretty much anything to have a connected and engaging conversation with my boyfriend, but he was hungover and for the most part, unresponsive.

I just feel SO LONELY. It is an unbearable heaviness, and I won't even allow myself to sit with it - all I can think about how ungrateful I sound if I even voice these thoughts - how I live in this beautiful house (in the context of a housing crisis), with this beautiful boyfriend who everyone loves, in good shape with nice clothes and a successful self-employment situation running - all my DREAM set up!! What is wrong?! Why do I feel like this!? I just feel so alone. When I feel the full extent of the loneliness, I feel literally horrified.

I feel suspicious of everyone around me. I feel they're judgemental of me or using me for when I am convenient. I don't feel they have my best intentions at heart. I don't feel any real love from most of my closet friends or family.

It's the easiest to take it out on my boyfriend, of course. I suspect that he doesn't really love me and if anything I irritate him - that maybe he's just weighed up in his head that I am the most suitable candidate (being younger, good looking, sociable and liked by his own friends and family), but that he doesn't really care for me or my personality. I can't help but feel he must know I'm struggling and just doesn't want to bring it up. He doesn't want the hassle.

My parents, are also, easy targets to try and understand where this existential dread is coming from, what difference does it really make? Putting all of my anxieties onto them, as if blaming them makes it any easier really, and besides, I have always been uncomfortably aware of their mortality and how much I would regret being angry towards them when I'm older, because their time here is limited. It's my own burden to carry if I feel angsty. It largely has little to do with our childhood, and doesn't really matter if it did have anything to do with that.

I distinctly remember staying up late when I was 16 around this time of year. I'd be confident to say it was this week, in 2014, so ten years ago. Today (1st of July), it'll be ten years since my first date with my ex, who was my first real love. We went for a drive and I remember the entire thing feeling completely surreal. I now realise I was experiencing limerence for the first time then. I literally felt fucking high.

I loved him straight away and knew that he was a terrible person who was going to send me into the literal trenches - and that he did! He continuously cheated on me and I spend the entire year in bathrooms of house parties, paralytic out of my mind, having some fellow 16 year old relay brutal details of his whereabouts. I remember feeling sick most of the time - I lost a stone. But I remember, in some sick way, preferring these feelings to those that I had experienced directly before meeting him - this low, lonely feeling that I'm experiencing now, 10 years later, YEARS after all of that died down. I think we're more similar to our 16 year old selves than we like to believe.

I think when I feel like this I remember something I tend to forget for long periods of time: when I open up to people, I feel objectively worse. Something in the fact that they don't know what to say, or a certain feeling of disconnection - using words like 'the situation' or 'it's okay to feel that way'. Is it? And? What else!?

I also feel like I'm particularly troubled by these feelings now, because I loved to look back at my mental state and 16 and attribute it to: my diet, my sleeping pattern, my environment (at home, which is a hoarder house and the dynamics between my family members are chaos) - but now, what's there to blame, really? Myself! This must be just who I am!

[bratz-kitten]

blockages that the placements need to work through 

here are some things i’ve been working on ft. the astrological placements that i believe they’re revelant to, in case anyone else needs this 

sun aspecting venus, harsh aspects to the ascendant - saying no. it’s not so much like... a need to say yes to please other people, but a fear of saying no and facing the repercussions of it. lately i’ve been trying to simply say no to things that make me uncomfortable because turns out i do have a great difficulty setting boundaries lmfao. when my male friends make a sexual comment about me, i just say “stop, don’t talk about me like that” and when people invite me to hangouts that i don’t have the energy to go to i simply say “i won’t go, but thank you for inviting me”. the most difficult part is dealing with the guilt that comes with refusing others, and i’m telling myself that it’s okay to piss people off if it’s to maintain my feeling of safety 

moon in capricorn, moon harshly aspecting saturn - letting myself depend on others. i’m coming to terms with the fact that i’m not as big of a lone wolf as i believe myself to be lmfao. like, it’s okay that i depend on my emotional bonds sometimes! it’s okay to allow myself to love with no restrictions, with no “but i can’t let them see me vulnerable”, with no “what do i get out of this connection?”, no “oh i have to be nonchalant about how much i care for them or else they’re gonna know they have power over me and abandon me” no. i’m letting myself write the dumb sappy texts, to make the effort, to show how much i care, to open up to others. i’m easing with my calculating instincts. i don’t have to drown in my loneliness and i refuse to spend a lifetime avoiding getting close to others in fear of them hurting me. i’m working on seeing my strength, like... it’s ok if they hurt me because i will survive 

saturn in gemini, mars in the 12th house, mars harshly aspecting neptune - taking action when i need to. especially in real life, i have a lot of difficulty with taking action. like, if i’m in an argument with someone, or if someone is actively pissing me off, my first instinct is to end the conversation and escape so that it won’t escalate. theoretically, that’s smart... in practice, it makes me gulp down a lot of situations in favor of keeping the peace, and it makes me live an entirely different life in my mind vs. in reality. like, in my mind, when something happens i’ll fantasize about being assertive and talking back to the person, about standing my ground. but in real life i just... quietly move to a different room. plus it’s difficult for me to feel things in the moment, like something will happen and i won’t register it but days later i will think back on it and be practically fuming in anger. these past few weeks i’ve been working on just, saying what i want to say. even if i’m aware the situation can escalate, at least i won’t have any regrets, and it’s made me realize that people aren’t as easy to anger as i thought them to be, and that i’m stronger than i believed myself to be 

moon harshly aspecting jupiter - allowing myself to break down. my moon opposite jupiter is at a 0º orb, and when i tell you i feel every ounce of it, i really do. like, my emotions are extremely disregulated. on one hour i will be at the highest of the highs, and then the next hour i’ll be crying on the floor telling myself i’m the worst person alive. which just... causes me to feel even more guilty about how i speak to myself, and about how volatile my emotions are, and then i’m just a mess of guilt and self-criticism and “stop acting like a baby”; i feel easily overwhelmed and like i’m doing way too much, overreacting to every possible situation. and then, an hour later, im just like.... emotionally numb. anyways, instead of making it worse by blaming myself for my emotions, i’ve been just. allowing myself to feel. no guilt, no shame, just allowing myself to feel bad because of the innate belief that i’ll get over this, i’ll move forward, it’ll get better 

venus harshly aspecting the ascendant - dealing with a poor self-image. i have a lot of issues with my body image. so, instead of analyzing my body from every single angle and blaming myself for it, i’ll just. not look in the mirror. like, you know when you’re a kid, you’re barely aware that you have a body - it’s there, it functions, it helps you play and eat and grab things, but you don’t really spend time thinking about it’s shape and appearance because it doesn’t matter. that’s the mentality i’m trying to work with right now, that my body is there: it deserves food, exercise, to be washed and dressed in comfortable clothing, and that’s that. i’m releasing myself of the judgment that comes with my poor self-image 

natal saturn retrogade - stop buying things just to watch them sit there. like, i buy things that i don’t even use. or i buy things that i plan to use, but then i end up not using them out of guilt of having bought them, or lack of energy to use them, or fear of using them and messing up. so, what i’m doing is grabbing all the things i don’t use, and if i truly don’t want to use them, i’ll simply discard of them, and if i do want to use them, then i’m making plans to do so. no letting them sit in my room and feeling guilty every time i look at them 

mars dominance, mars aspecting personal planets, mercury aspecting pluto, debilitated moon (in capricorn or scorpio) - stop verbally insulting others in discussions. the point of having a discussion is to explain both perspectives and come to an agreement/compromise, not to try to win. unfortunately, this is something i’ve always had great difficulty understanding lmfao. as soon as i’m in a discussion the point stops being to shed light on the situation but to use the words i know will hurt the person the most so that they’ll feel the pain that i feel. when someone is not understanding me, part of me just wants to make them go through what i went through so that they’ll get it - especially if i have an emotional attachment to the person (for example, them being my family or romantic interest). this is extremely toxic and it’s giving me when your parents say “when i was younger i had it much more worse than you, and i’m going to somehow make this your problem”. so, i’ve been thinking twice about what i say to people. is what i’m about to say to this person relevant to this discussion, or do i just want my words to sting them so i can watch them crumble? i ask myself this question, and i try to show others the empathy that i want them to show me. 

planets in the 12th house, lilith in the 12th house - developing a better sleep schedule. i don’t remember the last time that i went to sleep before 5am, and this has greatly impacted my mental and physical health in general. like, i’ll go to bed extremely late, and then i wake up late and it takes me hours to find the strength to get out of bed because i just feel so shitty. the reason why i avoid sleeping early is because i struggle a lot with nightmares, because of my own paranoid thoughts and fears, and because it’s my “peaceful” time. like, during the day i have to deal with my parents being awake and... well, just existing in general, and i have to deal with my responsibilities and my family, but at night i get to just exist for myself and do whatever. but also, i struggle a lot with intrusive/paranoid thoughts that keep me from falling asleep. this is due to my anxiety and mental health problems, and to be honest i still don’t really know what to do to deal with this. like... the thing that’s helped me the most so far is to turn off my phone/computer since i get headaches easily, petting my cat until i feel calm enough to at least try to sleep, and to avoid taking naps throughout the day since that’ll just leave me with way too much energy at night 

[starrrbitz-movedtonewblog]

Happy 7 years to Undertale!! ❤

Happy anniversary to the funny pixel game that made me autistic /hj

Not gonna lie everytime I think about this game i can't help but be an emotional little bitch. I was obsessed with this game then, previous years, and it's only gotten worse <3 How the fuck has it been 7 years though good god I'm getting old ahhaha

Okay okay in all seriousness, my little insane rambling is under the read more for those who are interested. Warning its very informal pff

Any of you who have at all been following this blog know I am very much still obsessed with this game, so I'll spare everyone the usual "this game inspired me and my art" stuff since you all know that nonsense haha.

I think the reason I'm still here talking about Undertale in 2022 is because, well this game... is now a big part of my childhood/teenhood. This is the game I sort of technically grew up on, and I found in a time of insane loneliness and a creative block. I was fucking 14 struggling through high school and little did I know rahg I would have to transfer to a new school, and that it would be very stressful. I also didn't know that this game was going to help me through it.

You know how a lot of people had Pokemon, or Mario, or Zelda or other games as their fixations or childhood. That's cool, and I always want to play those types of games, but the thing is I've always either missed out on or came extremely late into those franchises. I came to Mario very late, and I consider one my fave game franchises, but that whole ass franchise is older than me and there's still games from it i have yet to play. Still to this day, I haven't played a single Pokemon or Zelda game, as a kid I only knew Pokemon as an anime and Zelda was completely off my radar until a couple of years ago. I've always come late to or missed out on many games.

Undertale however, I and many others have sort of been here from the start with it. I've seen almost everything from the first happenings of the fandom (whether for better or worse... mostly worse pfppf), I've seen so many people play this game, I've studied and analysed and theorised over every little mystery I could find in it, and sometimes just thought a lot about being friends with the characters cause you know I'm normal. I've also gotten excited for new merch drops, even though I still haven't bought any for myself. I've been with friends and gone apeshit for new content like new characters, the smash reveal, and of course the alternate AU smorgasbord game of Undertale, Deltarune, another incredibly important game to me.

I'm still waiting for new chapters of Deltarune, still drawing art for both games, still enjoying everything about it. This. This silly little game inspired by Earthbound and made by a previous Homestuck writer, two franchises i know nothing about, this fucking game is my Mario. It's my Pokemon, or Zelda or Metroid or whatever other beloved franchise that has captivated people for years. Its the game I get teary eyed and warm thinking about, the game with a soundtrack that I can listen to ANY time as much as I want. Its the game I can get all the references to and get excited about when I notice them. Cheesy as fuck yeah I know

I know 7 years seems measly to the maybe 10, 15 and even 20 years people have had their fave games, but fucking hell i think it means SOMETHING when this silly little indie rpg with a fuckton of lore and mystery around it can have such an impact on someone like me. And who knows, I think in the future, maybe 5 years later?? I will be able to look back on Undertale and Deltarune alike, like others do with their fave games, and feel nostalgia, and a connection with the games. I'll revisit it, play it again, still be making fanart for it, and maybe introducing it as something beloved to me to someone I know, while they do the same with their fave games to me.

I dunno i feel just really emotional thinking about it, and yeah haha Undertale the game that makes everyone cry and feel things, GOOD. that's the plan!! And i don't plan on fucking stopping talking about and loving, and CRYING over this franchise. Despite everything my love and respect for this game has never waned, despite everything, I'm still here!! Despite everything, its still me.

So yeah I guess thanks Toby Fox for continuing to make your games and inspiring me and many others and for constantly killing us with your games, thanks to you I will never be the same again and I think I'm more than okay with that <3

Happy Anniversary to Undertale (and happy 1 year anniversary to Deltarune chapter 2, how the fuck has it been a year already it seems like only three months ago I was losing my shit shit one discord with my friends at the announcement-)

Okay bye lol

[sporticus1234]

Catch Me if You Can-Laws of Attraction (Part 2) 🍋

Summary: After weeks of flirting, teasing, and close calls, Tessa is ready to take the plunge, but can Gabe overcome his own worse fears and join her?

Pairing: Gabe Ricci x Main Character (Tessa Michaels)

Link to my Master-List and Other works will be added once they have been re-edited and re-uploaded.

Catch up with Part 1 Here: Part 1

WARNING: The following story has a  🍋 rating, meaning there will be topics of 

NSFW

Smut

Strong Language

By viewing of this work, you are acknowledging and consenting to the fact that you are 18+ years of age and can view such works.

Tagging:  @choices-addict @choiceskatie @lady-calypso @chemist-ana @kat-tia801 @chrissythomas05-blog @nishas-paradise  @blainehellyes  @suitfer @pixelnutrookie  @queen-arabella-of-cordonia @adiehardfan @panda9511 @curiousconch @weaving-in-words  @mm2305 @thegreentwin

I love you all so much, and I will see you again soon!

_________________________

If you hesitate, opportunities will pass by you So open your heart and come out      -Girls Generation, The Boys (Korean Ver.)

The hotel café the following morning was full of delicious, mouth-watering smells and buzzing conversations of the guests milling around, families excitedly planning for the day ahead or business associates discussing their upcoming ventures and other current events. In the back corner of the room next to the sheer curtains covering the early morning Boston sun, Gabe Ricci halfheartedly pokes his fork around the scrambled mess of eggs barely eaten in front of him, his head resting on a propped fist as his eyes struggle to stay open as a dull headache thumps in his head. He lifts his fork to take another bite of eggs, but his stomach lurches at the sight, and he drops the fork with a clatter. He reaches out to pour himself another cup of coffee, but he curses under his breath when he realizes the pot he ordered was empty. He tries to catch the attention of a passing waiter, but his eyes instead slide to a couple sitting a few tables away from him, their fingers laced together on the table as they share an intimate conversation punctuated by giggles and kisses across the other’s knuckles. The sight makes his stomach ache in guilt as the events of last night play like a never-ending repeat of a bad movie in his mind.

He knows there is no one else to blame; he is the one solely responsible for the shitty mess between him and Tessa. If he just gave her the obvious answer last night, he wouldn’t be sitting in the back corner on the verge of a hangover and close to passing out in his eggs. Instead, the two of them would be upstairs in his suite, her hair splayed out over one of the pillows as their limbs tangle together underneath the soft sheets draping over their naked bodies. Or, they would be eating breakfast in bed and watching the sun rise behind the towering skyscrapers as they share intimate little details about each other. Yet here he was, sitting down here and looking pathetically ridiculous as he stares a hole into his eggs like they held the answer to the question of why he was down here and not upstairs.

But Gabe already knows why he is sitting down here.

He is afraid that Tessa would reject him once things got serious.

Gabe Ricci, the man who stares down opposing attorneys and judges in a packed courtroom is afraid of something like rejection from a woman. The man who is confidently sure of himself and goes toe to toe with some of the greatest legal minds of the current day is afraid of being told “no.” The whole situation seems entirely laughable, and Gabe would completely understand if people saw it that way. But those people didn’t know about the one specific incident all those years ago that completely changed the course of his life and made him the way he is today.

Gabe considers himself to be an “all or nothing” person, devoting one hundred percent of himself to everything in his life, whether it was his job, himself, his relationships, and even his love life. It was his “all or nothing”, caring attitude that brought him to the door of the New York Public Defender’s office. Being a public defender was never going to be a smooth sailing job, but even with the obstacles in front of him, Gabe still defended his clients with everything he had. But at the end of the day, his “all or nothing” attitude was still not enough. He had little to no victories to back up his expertise and knowledge, and the passion he had for the legal field dwindled with every “guilty” verdict that felt like a swift punch to the gut. The workload was becoming overbearing with each passing year, and eventually, Gabe started questioning his own abilities and confidence. He found himself trapped in a never-ending nightmare with no chance of escape.

Even though his job was becoming a literal hell, he could always count on the one bright spot in his life at the time.

Katrina.

Katrina was everything Gabe hoped to find in a partner. She was kind, intelligent, caring. The two of them had an incredible whirlwind romance, and Gabe felt like he was walking on Cloud Nine when she was around. She was the one person who made everything feel better after a hard day. She was the one person who motivated him to push forward, encouraging him and giving him belief that one day, things would become better than what they were. She was the first person Gabe had met who he truly believed shared his same attitude of “all or nothing”, and their relationship grew more serious with each passing day. The future of their relationship came to a head one night in Central Park, where Gabe found himself on one knee in front of her with a glittering diamond ring in his hand, ready to fully go “all in” and spend the rest of his life with her. However, two little words made the intense romance they once shared fizzle out and leave his spirits firmly crushed. She rejected him in Central Park, and a week later, she moved out of his apartment and out of his life, the two of them unable to rekindle the romance they once shared despite their best efforts.

The pain of her rejection made him a closed-off shell of his former self. He never socialized after work or on the weekends unless he absolutely had to, and if he did, he hardly spoke to anyone unless the situation called for it. His work continued to suffer as he couldn’t find the heart and motivation to defend his clients as well as he knew he could. But one day after a trial, Sadie McGraw cornered him and offered him a second chance, a chance to start over and become the lawyer she knew he could become. With her help and guidance, Gabe slowly started rediscovering himself as a lawyer. The power she had given him combined with his knowledge and expertise pulled in big wins for the firm and moved him up towards the top ranks of McGraw Byrne. He was rediscovering his passion for the legal field and helping others. People began to congratulate him on his wins and praise his incredible devotion to the firm.

While he wouldn’t argue his devotion to the job, it wasn’t the sole reason he stayed long nights or came to work early in the morning. Every time he went back to his apartment after work, the sliver of happiness he felt and the boisterous conversations of the office became replaced by dreaded loneliness and cold quietness. The solitary confines of his apartment were a constant, mocking reminder of what he didn’t have anymore, a reminder of her rejection all those years ago. The office became a safe space of sorts for him, and he dreaded leaving its comfort. With the company’s generosity, Gabe secured a new, better apartment where he could make new memories and not be constantly reminded of bitter ones. The one thing the company couldn’t help him with was finding the one person who made him feel even a tenth of what Katrina made him feel. He never shied away from going out on dates as he attempted to move on with his life, but no one understood his passion, commitment, and devotion the way Katrina did. Plenty of people managed to catch his attention, but no one came close enough to keep it.

Until Tessa walked through the doors.

Gabe had discovered her the same way Sadie did, and he knew she would be a perfect addition to McGraw Byrne when Sadie opened up spots on the team. He had firsthand knowledge of her legal expertise, and he knew she fully devoted herself to her clients and used the knowledge she continued to learn in order to help them. However, while she managed to capture his attention, she was the only one who managed to keep it. She is incredibly beautiful; there was no denying that fact. But seeing her in action shined a completely different light on her. She goes above and beyond for her clients, and she willingly and gladly steps up and takes initiative when needed. She isn’t afraid to go toe-to-toe with some of the best attorneys in the state. Passion flows out of her like a waterfall, and it shows in her work. She is quick-witted and sharp, her eyes and mind never missing a single detail, and Gabe was not only impressed, but insanely captivated by her.

He initially didn’t think much of their constant flirting in the office or their dinner outings together, especially since Tessa flirted with the fireman for her eviction case. He was a little jealous she flirted with someone else, but since her flirting charmed the fireman into giving her more information than needed, she pulled in a massive win for the firm, and Gabe simply brushed it off and chalked up the flirting as part of her charm. It wasn’t until the cancelled business dinner that Gabe realized what was between them was more than just their typical flirting. He was catching real feelings for her, no matter how much he tried to deny it. While he did acknowledge his feelings for her, his heart was still too guarded and afraid to act on them. Tessa was the first girl he had serious feelings for since Katrina left him. He didn’t know if Tessa even felt the same way he did, nor did he know if he would be able to repair it again if his relationship with Tessa ended the same way like Katrina.

But deep down in his gut, he knew that Tessa was different from Katrina. It was a feeling he couldn’t put a logical reason on, but a gut feeling, one that you just know is true even if you couldn’t explain it. She was the first person Gabe felt genuinely happy with in a long time. Gabe not only believed in a future with her, he could also picture it. Everything he pictured and every interaction they have together doesn’t feel awkward or forced. It feels natural and…right. Aside from that, Tessa showed time and time again that she wants to be with him. If she didn’t, she would’ve turned down every invitation he gave her, and she wouldn’t have gone out of her way to make sure they spend a few moments alone together whenever they can. Tessa already made her feelings about him clear last night, and she was ready to risk the opportunity at becoming partner at one of the country’s premier law firms. She was more than willing to risk it if it meant having him.

Could he really do the same and risk his comfort for her?

_________________________

The morning sun spills into the living room of the hotel suite as the remains of Tessa’s in-room breakfast lay scattered across the coffee table. A re-run of celebrity chef Everett Flynt’s new TV show plays in the background as she busies herself in the bathroom, putting on the last touches of preparations for the day ahead. Once satisfied with her appearance, she pads back out into the bedroom and opens the closet to find an outfit for the day. When her fingers graze the powder blue dress she wore to the cocktail party last night, her task becomes forgotten as her mind flashes back to the night before, her stomach aching at the bitter taste of the memory.

The weekend conference had started off so well with everyone laughing and joking like the best of friends. The cocktail party went off without a hitch, and she managed to score some huge connections with distinguished judges and other lawyers. Everything about the weekend was absolutely perfect, until she decided to stick around and have a late-night snack and drink with Gabe and confessed her harbored feelings toward him. Looking back, the idea to share them was not one of her finer moments; she was certain Gabe and her would take the next steps of their relationship after confessing their feelings for each other, but instead, Gabe did the same thing he always does when they get close to crossing a line. He quickly doused the growing flame and pushed her away once again.

She grabs an outfit from the closet and starts getting dressed, her eyes glancing over at her bed and seeing a few jet-black streaks on the pillowcase, a reminder of what happened last night after she walked away from him. But it also reminds her she can’t keep running back to him and giving him chance after chance. As much as it hurts to walk away from him and what they potentially could have, she knows deep down she will be better off in the long run for doing so. She couldn’t open her heart and let someone inside only to have him lock her out of his. It was Gabe’s turn to return the favor, and this time, his words were no longer going to be enough. It was time for his actions to match his words and feelings, and until they did, Tessa has to move forward with her life.

She finishes getting dressed and fixes the loose strands of hair that got out of place. She glances at the alarm clock on her nightstand, seeing it is still too early for the company cars to come take them back to New York. Just as she was about to lounge on the couch and distract herself with Everett Flynt’s TV show, a loud knock reverberates through the space.

It couldn’t be…could it?

Mind curious, she makes her way over to the door and peeks out of the peephole, her stomach flipping circles as her pulse quickens at the sight of Gabe standing right behind the door. She takes a deep breath and opens the door to see him standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets and his feet shuffling nervously. His actions make her more nervous than excited; Gabe normally acts so confident and sure of himself, and to see him act completely not himself makes tension creep into her thoughts.

“Hi…” Gabe says with a rare, bashful smile as he flicks his eyes down to his shoes. “Can we…” he rubs the back of his neck, “can we talk?”

Seeing him in front of her makes her feel the sting of his rejection all over again, and she has half a mind to slam the door in his face and finally give him a taste of how it feels to be rejected. But when he lifts his eyes towards her, her heart twinges in sympathy. The trademark, mischievous twinkle in his eye is no longer there, and his shoulders look like they’re carrying the weight of the world on them.

“Please…” he quietly pleads.

He’s making the effort you wanted him to make she reminds herself. With a sigh, she gives him a small, almost inscrutable nod, and Gabe flashes her a soft, grateful smile as he shuffles past her, their arms brushing against each other. Tessa tries to force down the warm prick she felt as she shuts the door behind him and follows him to the living room, making sure to keep plenty of space between them, knowing that if she didn’t, she would never get the answers to her questions. Gabe takes a look around the room, taking in the half-eaten breakfast and the way she stands with her arms crossed protectively over her chest, the space between them feeling like a chasm as guilt blooms in his chest again. The air was filling with cold tension, and Gabe awkwardly clears his throat, eyes darting around to find something to break the quiet spell.

His eyes land on the TV, and he jumps at the opportunity it presents. “Taste of the World? Isn’t this the episode where Everett runs away from the show and the culinary producer he obviously has feelings for?”

“Seems fitting, doesn’t it?” Tessa blurts out with a humorless guffaw. Gabe flinches at the sting of her words, and she squeezes her eyes shut in regret, cursing at herself under her breath. As upset as she is, Gabe made the first move. The least she could do is hear him out. “I’m sorry, Gabe. I didn’t…”

“Don’t be sorry,” Gabe cuts in. “I deserve that and much more.” He takes a step closer to her, and when she doesn’t back up, he continues. “In any case, you have nothing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault.”

“Maybe it is my fault,” Tessa concedes. “I was being too pushy and trying to force an answer out of you that you clearly weren’t ready to tell me.” She uncrosses her arms and drops them back to her sides, a sign that Gabe takes as a good one.

“You weren’t being pushy, Tessa. You were only being honest with me, and no one should ever be blamed for being honest. And you’re right. The show is fitting considering I’m the one who keeps running away when it’s the last thing I want to do.”

The harsh expression on her face softens into mild surprise. Was he fixing to tell her the real reason he keeps running away? “Gabe, all I want to know is why do you keep running when it’s clear that you and I both want this?”

Gabe swallows the lump in his throat, the memory of her rejection rearing its ugly head again. “Because that’s exactly what she did.”

Tessa furrows her brows. “Who’s she?”

“Katrina.”

“Who’s Katrina?” After a long pause, the lightbulb goes off in her head, and her eyes widen in recognition. “Oh…” Her mind goes back to the night of the business dinner and the far-off look Gabe had in his eyes at her question of commitment.

“Even in this city?” she asks him in pure surprise. “You’ve really never found someone who’s as all-in as you are?”

Gabe looks across the glittering skyline of New York. “I thought I had, once…” he turns his attention back to her, and Tessa can see the unspoken memory fade from his eyes, “but that was a long time ago. And as it turns out, I was wrong about her.”

“How…” she swallows hard, her heart aching in sympathy for him. “How bad was it, if you don’t mind my asking?”

Gabe scratches his stubbled chin and lets out a humorless, bitter chuckle. “Let’s just say I can’t get a refund on the ring anymore.”

Her eyes widen into the size of saucers, and her jaw drops open in complete shock. His actions and words suddenly became much more understandable. It explained why Gabe kept running away and avoided crossing the line between playful flirting and serious romance. He thought if he didn’t cross those lines and reject her first, she was going to be the one to do it eventually. He refused to act on his feelings because the last time he did, Katrina rejected his proposal and left him. Gabe didn’t build the walls around his heart to keep her out. He built them because he was afraid history was going to repeat itself, and he chose to live in his own little bubble of comfort instead of taking another risk, and Tessa couldn’t blame him one bit for it.

“I’m really sorry she did that to you, Gabe.” Her feet move closer to him, the space becoming smaller. “I had no idea.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he brushes off. “I’ve moved on from it. In any case, her rejection changed my life for the better. If she didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be at McGraw Byrne in the first place, and I never would’ve met you.”

Tessa fidgets with her ring. “Gabe…” she begins, but quickly trails off.

“What?” he asks her. “You know you can say or tell me anything right?”

“I know, but…” she takes another deep breath, forcing herself to say what she was thinking. “Do you really have feelings for me?”

“Absolutely,” Gabe says, no hesitation in his voice. It makes her heart flutter a bit.

“Have I given you any reason to doubt my feelings for you?”

“No.”

“So even knowing all that, you still choose to run away,” she says matter-of-factly.

Gabe flinches at her words, tucking his gaze away from her. “Yes.”

“Then you haven’t moved on. Not entirely at least.”

Gabe’s eyes snap over to hers as he furrows his brows. “What?”

Tessa sighs. “Look Gabe. You’re absolutely right. If Katrina hadn’t rejected your proposal, we never would’ve crossed paths in a hundred years. But…”

“But what?”

“You still let what she did control you,” Tessa points out. “You say that you’ve moved on, but have you really? I mean, just take a look at what happened last night. The minute we started talking about getting serious, you quickly pushed me away and ran. You did the same thing in Vegas, and you did the same thing at the business dinner too.”

Gabe runs his hand through his hair. “I know I did, and I will always regret my actions. But I’m willing to give us a chance if you still want that. I like you so much, Tessa, and I know the two of us have something special that is worth so much more than a partnership or my insecurities.”

She eyes him curiously. “And what happens if I do give you a chance, Gabe? Are you going to run again?”

“Absolutely not,” Gabe says firmly, his deep tone making her skin jump in shock. “I’m done running away, Tessa. For good.”

Butterflies flood her stomach as her heart swells at his words, but the sensations only make her feel more guilty for what she was about to say. “Gabe, you’re saying all the right words, and I want to believe them so badly. I really do. But…”

The hopeful expression on his face slowly fades as icy dread floods his veins. “But you can’t?”

Tessa nods dejectedly. “I’m sorry, Gabe. But until you actually show me instead of telling me that you really are done running, and that you really want there to be an ‘us’, we can’t…”

Before she could finish her sentence, Gabe takes two quick strides over to her, the space between them shrinking as he gently cups her cheeks in his hands. His thumbs run over her cheekbones, and she instinctively submits to his touch, her mind already forgetting its previous thoughts and focusing solely on the soft, tender caress of his thumbs. She can smell the sharp and heady scent of his cologne, the one that makes her want to bury her face in his chest and breathe him in. She can see each individual eyelash and the sparkling mixture of nerves and pure determination in his eyes. The little puffs of breath from his lips tickle her skin, and her blood rushes and pounds in her ears as she finds herself slipping into his warm, chocolate orbs.

“What…what are you doing?” she asks over the sound of her heart thundering in her chest.

He brings their faces closer together, only centimeters between them. “What I should’ve done a long time ago.”

_________________________

The walls Gabe spent years hiding his heart behind start to crumble as he closes the last inch of space between them. He tentatively presses his lips against hers, a spark of electricity racing through her that makes her scalp prickle. The initial shock of his kiss makes her tense up, a small little whimper coming from her lips, but soon, she finds herself melting into the kiss when Gabe presses his lips firmer to hers. His lips feel like velvet, moving slowly and sensually against hers as her eyes flutter close and her body surrenders to his dizzying kiss. Her arms slide up around his shoulders and tease the little hairs on the back of his neck while he grips her waist and pulls her closer to him, his hand snaking up underneath her shirt and lightly pressing into the bare skin of her lower back. A rush of warmth spreads throughout her body from his touch, and Tessa lets out a small little moan when Gabe gently nibbles on her bottom lip and breaks the kiss. Their foreheads touch together, their breaths mixing as all their unspoken feelings and desires pass between them in this silent, intimate moment.

She shyly bites her lip and looks up at him through her lashes only to see him smiling back down at her, his eyes a swirling cocktail of happy relief and fiery desire. Since growing closer to him, she often caught herself wondering when their first kiss was going to happen and what it would be like, and she would gladly admit the real thing was so much better than her imagination and thoughts. It was full of sensual desire, yet sweet tenderness. It was warm and comforting, yet intoxicating and thrilling. It was gentle, yet confident and sure. It was a kiss full of everything she associated with the man holding her in his arms.

“Now do you believe me?” he asks her as he nuzzles his nose with hers. His voice is laced with his signature cockiness, but Tessa detects a slight hint of worry underneath it.

“I think I need a little more convincing than that.” She was more than convinced Gabe meant what he said earlier, but she found some fun in teasing him a little longer. She considers it playful revenge for making her wait all this time for him to finally acknowledge his feelings.

A low groan vibrates in his throat at the floodgate Tessa’s words opens up inside him, and both of them know there is no going back after this. The tip of his tongue darts out and silkily caresses his lower lip as his eyes darken more, the passion and desire he kept locked away and hidden now flowing through his veins and taking control of his thoughts and actions. Tessa shudders at the sound of his groan and the carnal look in his eye, her nerves switching to high alert as the air buzzes with excitement. His hands snake around her waist and down to her ass, pulling her hard against him and relishing in the feel of her body against his. His firm, hard bulge presses into the apex of her thighs, and she feels it grow harder with each passing second. She subtly grinds her hips into the hardness, a pleasant rush of heat pooling between her legs as soft groans fill the surrounding air.

All of his previous fears and doubts dash out of his mind as he firmly crushes his lips to hers in a searing, heated kiss, molding and shaping her lips to his every whim and wish. Her knees wobble at the sudden assault, but his strong arms wrapped around her waist hold her up securely as the air sparks like a colorful firework and showers them in a bright rainbow of light. Her body molds perfectly into his, like two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly in the picture. Her mind goes dizzy with delight as her hands run over his clothed chest and come to rest on his sculpted shoulders. He shifts his hips ever so slightly, and the friction makes Tessa groan in pleasant surprise. Gabe takes advantage and lightly teases his tongue with hers as the two of them deepen the kiss. When their lungs scream for much-needed air, he sinks his teeth into her bottom lip and tugs it back, breaking the kiss and leaving them gasping for air.

“Convincing…enough for…you?” he asks her. “Or do…you need a…another sign?”

Her fingers draw lazy heart-shapes over his own heart, feeling it thunder beneath her touch. “I think…I need a little…more.”

She coquettishly flutters her eyelashes and delicately pulls her lower lip between her teeth. The sight makes his cock twitch and punch against the tight confines of his pants, needy and begging for some type of relief, preferably from her. He wraps his fingers around her wrist, halting her movements. Their eyes lock on each other, and slowly, Gabe moves her hand down his torso. She feels the muscles of his stomach subtly flexing and tightening in anticipation, even through the layers of fabric between them. He reaches his belt buckle and stops the movement, his eyes and action asking her the question she already knows the answer to. She gives him a nod, excitement filling up her stomach and making the butterflies flutter. She holds her breath as Gabe guides her hand past his belt buckle, the air becoming thick with anticipation. When her hand finally brushes over his bulge and feels it twitch, the air rushes out of her. Her finger teasingly traces the outline of his bulge, and Gabe sucks in a sharp breath. When she cups him through his pants, the muscles in his jaw tick, head lolling back with a hiss as he surrenders to the sensation of her gentle squeezes.

She runs her palm up and down over his bulge, feeling his cock grow harder and punch painfully against his zipper. With another firmer squeeze of his bulge, the chain holding him back breaks, and with a groan that sounds almost like a growl, their lips find each other again, the built-up passion and desire flowing unrestrained between them as their hands wander and roam over each other’s bodies. Their kisses break momentarily as Gabe’s sweater is pulled off his body and Tessa’s top goes flying across the room. Her fingers try to unbutton his shirt, but when his lips trail down across her jaw and down to the sensitive skin of her neck, she momentarily says “fuck it” and rips open his shirt, the buttons flying across the room and ricocheting off the walls and freeing his naked chest to her greedy fingers. He slides the shirt off his body and tosses it with a groan, feeling more turned on than angry at her action. His lips trail back up across her jaw and find her lips again, their tongues dancing together as the kiss deepens and becomes even more erotic and sensual. Her hands caress over his naked torso, the memory of every dip, ridge, and flex of his muscles becoming firmly ingrained in her mind.

Fantasies from long ago are now becoming real. Any semblance of time and reality escapes them. All that mattered is this moment between them. A moment neither of them wants to end. Ever.

“Gabe…” she mumbles between kisses. “You. Bedroom. Now.” Her fingers slide down his abs until they reach the sensitive sliver of skin hidden just behind the waistband of his pants. When shuddering goosebumps flare up over his skin, he grabs her wrist and halts her movement.

“Wait…” Gabe groans after giving her another kiss. “Are you sure…you want to do this? Because once we start…I don’t ever want it to end.”

The desire and longing in his voice is unmistakable. “Wh…what?”

“I just…” Gabe shakes his head, trying to get his words right. “I don’t want you to do anything or commit to anything you might regret later on,” he tells her. “I want this to happen so much. You know how bad I want you right now, but I understand completely if you don’t want—"

She tugs him forward by his belt and places a hard, chaste kiss to his lips, effectively cutting off his rambling spell. “Gabe, I wouldn’t have given you my keycard if I didn’t want this to happen.” She kisses the tip of his chin, the stubble scratching her lips. “I want this, Gabe.” She presses a kiss on his chest, right over his heart, and the action takes his breath away. “I want you. Only you.”

His grin grows bigger at her admission. “You’re the only one I want too,” he replies, trailing his finger lightly across her jaw that has her shivering in joy.

Her hands slide back up his torso and wind around his neck, deviousness flashing in her eyes. She hops up and wraps her legs around his waist, his strong arms flexing and catching her without missing a single beat. “Then take me into the bedroom and prove it, Ricci.”

He gives her a smoldering look, and with another moan, his lips kiss the hollow of her throat and trail over to her collarbone, his hands squeezing her ass teasingly and eliciting a gasp from her. She rolls her head back and submits to his scorching kisses and kitten bites on her neck as he makes the short journey into the bedroom. He pulls his lips away from her, and with a wolfish grin and a devilish wink, he tosses her onto the giant bed. Tessa senses the shift in dynamic between them at the sudden, but very much wanted, powerful surge of dominance from him. Seeing him confidently take charge was such a turn-on for her and makes warm tendrils coil and tighten in her core. Gabe quickly toes off his shoes while she sheds her shorts and playfully tosses them in his direction with a giggle. He chuckles at her playfulness and snatches them out of the air. When he turns his attention back to her, her shorts slip out of his grasp as his eyes widen in surprise, his cock twitching in extreme pleasure and appreciation at the sight in front of him.

“Fucking. Hell.” He groans, voice gravelly and filled with lust.

His hand reaches down and palms his cock as he drinks in Tessa kneeling in the middle of the bed, wearing nothing except her lacy plunge bra and matching panties as her hair falls over one of her eyes. The sight was so much hotter than the one in his fantasies, and he couldn’t wait to rip away the thin fabric and fully see what she was hiding beneath it. She beckons him with a manicured finger, and with the invitation, Gabe hurriedly climbs onto the bed and drapes his hard body overs hers as he kisses her relentlessly. Her peaked nipples brush up against his chest through the tight confines of her bra, pulsing and begging for his attention. He shifts his weight over to one side, propping himself on his forearm as Tessa wraps her arms around his neck. His other hand slides up her side and finds her breast; Gabe softly squeezes and massages it, his thumb and index finger teasing her nipple through the fabric and making it tight with pressure. A jolt of pleasure surges through her when Gabe pinches her nipple, a rush of electricity traveling through her and making her toes curl.

Her hand slides down and pushes on his shoulder, the weight and control shifting as Gabe falls to his back and Tessa drapes her legs over him to straddle his hips, feeling his hard bulge press against her center. She braces herself on the solid planes of his chest, feeling his heartbeat race wildly and his eyes burning holes into her skin as she grinds her hips against him, a smirk fighting its way onto her face as his soft moans and groans fill the room like a symphony and wrap around her like a blanket. Gabe flutters his eyes closed, succumbing to the incredible sensation of her hips moving over his cock. While he normally is the one to take control and dominate in the bedroom, seeing her on top of him, her hips giving him just the right amount of agonizing friction, and being completely at her mercy is the sexiest thing he has ever seen.

When he opens his eyes again, Tessa sees them glazed over with pure lust and unbridled attraction for her, the magnetic energy washing over both of them. “Goddamn…” he hoarsely whispers, the lust in his voice making tingles spiral down her spine. 

“See something you like?” she coyly asks him.

“Oh, trust me, I don’t like this.” His fingers toy with the lacy waistband of her panties, occasionally dipping underneath and teasing the sensitive skin before caressing down her thighs. “I fucking love it. I think you look…oh shit…” his train of thought trails off as she shifts her hips again, sending another wave of bliss washing over him. “I think you look so goddamn sexy.”

The compliment makes liquid heat pool in her core as the air floods with heated desire and erotic passion. She lightly digs her fingernails into his solid chest, seeing the muscles flex before scratching down his torso, sending another shudder through him. “Mmm…having thoughts about me, are you?”

Gabe cocks an eyebrow. “Oh, I have plenty of thoughts about you. All of them dirty.” His hands stop their teasing caresses and travel up her thighs. “You in my bed begging for me.” His fingers graze over her panties, pulling back the waistband and letting it go with a light snap that makes her gasp. “You wet and pressed up against the wall in my shower.” His hands ghost up her sides until they reach her breasts. “You bent over my desk in my office.” He cups her breasts and flicks the peaked nipples straining underneath the fabric. “You on top just like this, riding me. Hard.”

The images flash through her mind, and the muscles in her core tighten in excitement at the possibility of making all of his fantasies come true. “Who knew Gabe Ricci had such dirty thoughts, or that he likes being controlled,” she tells him as her back arches and her chest pushes further into his massaging hands.

One of his hands snakes up behind her back and expertly undoes the clasp on her bra before carelessly tossing it across the room. “Just because you’re on top doesn’t mean you’re in control.”

She arches an eyebrow at the challenge in his tone. Her hands wrap around his wrists, and with a flash of devious intent, she pins his wrists into the mattress above his head, her breasts hovering teasingly over him, just far enough out of his reach. “Aren’t I though?” she grinds against him again, the friction making their skin hot.

The tip of his tongue darts out and silkily swipes over his lips, her eyes transfixing on the movement. The slight distraction is just enough for Gabe to flip her over and pin her underneath him again. The loose tendrils of his hair cover his eyes, a few strands plastered to his slick forehead, giving him a wild and untamed look, and the look makes her squirm as the muscles in her core tighten. “Told you I was in control,” he shoots back. He dips his head down and teasingly kisses her lips, pulling away before she could deepen it. He guides her arms up and pins them above her head. “Keep them there,” he commands.

“What if I don’t?” she asks him. “What are you going to do about it?”

Gabe groans. “Let’s just say that I reward good behavior and punish bad behavior.” He smirks at her. “But something tells me you enjoy punishments far too much, so I guess I’ll have to come up with something a little different.”

His lips attach to the warm pulse point of her neck, and Tessa sinks into the mattress like it is a warm pool of blissful pleasure. He kisses down the muscle of her neck before licking a wet stripe back up the length of it and giving it little nips and bites as he trails back down. He leaves wet, open-mouthed kisses across her collarbone until he reaches the hollow of her throat. The tip of his tongue traces the outline before placing a kiss directly in the middle of it, and Tessa sucks in a sharp breath. He shifts his body downward as his kisses travel across her chest and down to her breast. He kisses and slowly licks wet circles around her breast, leaving no inch of skin untouched as he comes closer and closer to her nipple with each circle, and Tessa groans at his methodical torture as her nipples throb in pleasure. When he places a kiss directly on her peaked nipple, the air rushes out of her in a moan that sends vibrations flooding through his veins and directly to his cock.

He draws her nipple between his lips and sucks on it while his other hand kneads and molds her other breast, giving her the relief she has been craving from him. He alternates his movements, from sucking on her nipple to giving it gentle little nips and swirls of his tongue while his fingers tug and roll her other nipple. He sharply bites down on her nipple and soothes the sting with his tongue, and Tessa arches hard off the bed at the sweet torture. He shifts his body again as he releases the nipple from his mouth and kisses his way over to her other breast. He gives it the same agonizing torture as the other until both are even more swollen and throbbing. Her hands clench into fists as her eyes squeeze shut, fighting the urge to touch him as every little nip and suck makes her squirm in pleasure.

The tip of his tongue trails down through the valley between her breasts, the action sending blood rushing through her body and making heat pool in her core. As much as she tries to fight it, Tessa gives into the urge to move her hand, and she reaches out and threads her fingers in his dark, soft hair. Immediately, his hand wraps around her wrist and pins it back above her head, and she giggles in spite of herself. He glances up at her through his lashes, and Tessa can see the raw power in them. He kisses his way back up, tongue darting out briefly to flick over her nipples again, and over the hollow of her throat. He softly nips at the center of her neck and traces her jaw with teasing breaths until she feels his hot breath on the shell of her ear, goosebumps flaring up over her skin.

“And you were doing so well,” Gabe murmurs in her ear as he traces the shell of her ear with his tongue.

“You know I don’t do well following the rules.”

He nips at her earlobe. “Then I’m going to make you follow the rules.” He swings his leg over her and climbs out of the bed, her body already missing his warmth. “Don’t move,” he commands. “I’ll be right back.”

He pads out of the room, leaving Tessa lying there a building mess of excitement and nervousness. She hears Gabe mutter a curse before the sound of the TV is cut off, and she giggles at the absurdity of it. She strains her ears to hear anything else, but the only sounds she can make out are soft rustling of fabric and little clinks like glass. After a few more moments that felt like an eternity, Gabe knocks on the frame of the door, and she shifts up onto her elbows to see him standing there, his lips kinked to the side in a smirk and devilish intentions dancing in his eyes. He holds up his hands, and Tessa sees a glass filled with ice cubes in one hand and the belt to the complimentary bathrobe in the other. The thought of what Gabe was planning to do to her with those two items has her quivering in delight.

“I hope you’re ready, Tessa,” Gabe says. “Because we’re going to have some fun.”

_________________________

A/N

So hello everyone! I know this took a lot longer than anticipated, but unfortunately, life decided to throw a curveball at me recently, so I am very sorry for the delay.

For those who might guess, when I finished the 2nd part, it again turned into another 15k mess, so you all will be getting a Part 3 shortly, where we’ll go into even more of some smutty goodness and some fluffy pillow talk.

I hope you all really enjoy it as much as you did for part 1, and I will see you all soon for the finale!

Second chance tagging in case Tumblr becomes Tumbroke again:  @choices-addict @choiceskatie @lady-calypso @chemist-ana @kat-tia801 @chrissythadon @nishas-paradise  @blainehellyes  @suitfer  @pixelnutrookie @queen-arabella-of-cordonia @adiehardfan @panda9584 @curiousconch @weaving-in-words @mm2305 @thegreentwin

[theimprobabledreamersworld]

Say You Won’t Let Go

Well, it’s been a little while since I’ve posted a fic! Been a bit obsessed with planning out my Big Bang story recently.

I haven’t really written any fics with brother Roman and Remus as the focus, so I thought I would give it a try! 

So I struggle with touch starvation, and I’m going through an episode of it at the moment, so a fair amount of this is my thoughts and experiences with that. I’m quite proud of how this turned out :)

This is both a gift and a thank you to @red-imeanblue 💛💛 We planned this story out together and I promised that I would write it... Got there eventually! 💛

Writing taglist: @psychedelicships @lost-in-thought-20 @jwillowwolf @the-duke-of-nuts (If you'd like to be added/removed, let me know!)

Warnings: Weapon, violent actions, touch starvation implications, touch starvation mention, crying, a lot of swearing.

R*m/R*m shippers, please DNI. 

Say You Won’t Let Go

Rage… confusion… sadness… loneliness.

Remus felt like he was driving himself insane, all of these emotions pumping through his veins was agonising. He usually tortured others, it wasn’t quite as agreeable when it was happening to him. He stared at the large smiley face he had painted onto the opposing wall with yellow paint, it was mocking him… calling him weak and sentimental.

‘What the fuck is wrong with me?!’ He screamed in his mind. He was the epicentre of intrusive thoughts, he created chaos and horror. His mind was flashing all kinds of images into his vision, and it was agonising… all because of one incredibly stupid fucking thing? Why was it bothering him now?

‘I need to smash some shit.’ He thought decisively, and walked over to his cupboard of weapons. The axe looked awfully appealing right now, maybe he would share that image with Thomas later… but for now, the mace was the only thing that could appease his dire need for destruction.

He stared at the wall he used for this kind of thing, there was barely any gaps left. He had made a grand total of twenty holes in the wall. Most of them were so he could turn them into mini rooms for his rats… but some, he had kept to remind himself, and the others just how dangerous he was. No wonder only Janus can stand to be around him. Even then, that wasn’t true anymore. Janus was spending more and more time with them… trying so desperately to fit in, it was almost like Remus didn’t exist anymore. His grip tightened around the mace and he screamed as he launched himself towards the wall, plunging the mace violently into the plaster.

“I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ALONE!”

"FUCK YOU!"

"FUCK ALL OF YOU!”

“STOP LOOKING AT ME AS A MONSTER!”

“I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE!”

Each statement created a new, catastrophic hole. The room shook violently at the combination of his screams and the sheer force of the mace. He felt a little better after each hit, but the emotions just got worse as he admitted the truth out loud. He chuckled to himself bitterly, he really was a clusterfuck… no wonder nobody actually wanted to be around him.

He collapsed against the wall and slid down it with a thud. He chuckled low and quietly, before letting the laughter get more and more out of control. Part of him wanted the others to hear him breaking down… for some reason, he wanted Patton to ruffle his hair and call him kiddo. He wanted Logan to throw a vocab card at him with some stupid slang thing he had learned, he wanted Virgil to awkwardly pat him on the shoulder, he wanted Janus to hug him again… even though he hates it, but Janus would still always do it in a heartbeat without Remus even asking.

A hug, that’s what he was desperate for. Some kind of reassuring physical contact, he would always deny that they made him feel better… but it just reminded him that he was okay, that he was accepted… that he mattered… that someone wanted to be close to him. That’s all he could think about.

It had been so long since Janus has even been around to hug him. He would leave notes by his desk because he had become too embarrassed to ask recently. Janus was so exhausted trying to be heard by the others, especially Thomas, he just comes back to his room and collapses on the bed exhausted. When he finally sees the note, Remus would just knock it off as a joke or would be asleep himself. It had been six weeks now, and he was miserable. He was definitely fighting touch starvation, and he fucking hated it more than anything… even more than soap, and he was allergic to that shit. Despite wanting all the things he was thinking about, it wasn’t enough.

He wanted Roman, he needed his brother again. Just like when they were growing up with Thomas… they were always attached at the hip then. Roman would laugh at Remus telling Thomas to draw a picture of him electrocuting his brother, and Remus would join in with all of Roman’s irritating Disney songs. Until it all came crashing down… until he was the ‘bad one’, the ‘one that should never be spoken about’. Roman got that spotlight he had always dreamed about, and Remus was left in an impossible to escape shadow. He hugged his legs tight and tried to shut everything out of his mind, the images were getting too much.

Time seemed to pass in microseconds, like every second was splitting at an excruciating pace, making him feel more alone than before. It must have been a couple of hours before a tentative knock at the door made his head shoot up.

“Jan? Is that you??” The excitement in his voice was embarrassing, but at this point, he was too exhausted to care. Whoever it was will just mock him, call him pathetic and then move on with their lives anyway.

“Urm… Not Janus actually…” Remus’ head shot up at the familiar voice talking down to him. Roman? Roman was here, in front of him. Roman rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, unsure whether he could come in or not. There was still a hidden grudge for Remus hitting Roman with the mace, but once he took a glance at the wall, the concern on Roman’s face became apparent.

‘Oh shit, here we go… the overdramatic concern will emerge at any second.’ Remus though bitterly. There was no dramatics, Roman was slowly stepping closer, holding a yellow piece of paper in his hand.

“I found a note from Janus in my room which read, and I quote ‘For the love of all that’s good in this world, hug your brother- I’m so tired of needing to shower every time he needs one.’ I wasn’t sure whether it was joke or not, so I needed to come and see you.” Roman spoke calmly, and in a reassuring tone. Remus felt strangely calmed by it and he stood up slowly, walking towards Roman.

He could feel his arms ache from where he pummelled the wall, his throat hurt from the screaming and his eyes were raw from crying… but the soft smile on Roman’s face made everything feel okay, just for a moment.

“Now, I know we haven’t seen eye to eye in a very long time. I know the last time we hugged was when Thomas was eight… but I can’t stand to see you this upset, can I hug you?” Remus had to blink a few times, just to make sure this was real.

He nodded and Roman stepped forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Remus. He froze for a moment, it had been so long that he’d almost forgotten what a hug felt like. It didn’t take him long to relax into it, wrap his arms around Roman and feel the tears return. He sobbed into Roman’s shoulder as he felt all the emotions that were consuming him slowly melt away.

“S- say you won’t let go, Ro.” Remus managed to say through the waves of tears as he grasped onto Roman even tighter, even though he didn’t think that was possible. Roman smiled and hugged Remus back just as tight.

“I’m not going anywhere, brother. Never again.” The promise was clear, and this time the moment was being split into microseconds so Remus could remember it for longer.

Neither of them noticed Janus walk past and spy the scene from the hallway. He smiled fondly before walking away.

“That’s my boys.”

[randomfandomimagine]

Heal My Heart (Cloud Strife x Reader)

Characters: Cloud Strife

Fandom: Final Fantasy VII

Tags: Reader Insert, Gender Neutral Reader, Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: Injury, mentions of blood, sexual/romantic tension

Word Count: 2,2k words

Requested by anon: Hi :) may I request a Cloud Strife ficlet in which Cloud gets hurt in a battle and the reader patches him up and it's all very charged and filled with tension (since Cloud has to be shirtless and all)? Or it can be the other way around and the reader gets hurt and Cloud awkwardly but tenderly tries patching her up and is very conscious of being close/having to touch her body?

A/N: I was really excited about this one, and although I struggled a bit until I fixed some things I wasn’t happy with (big shoutout to the lovely @xionroxas​ for helping me with it!) I now love the result and I hope you do too! 

Your first battle together had been very different from what you imagined. It was a strange point in your relationship with Cloud, past the friendship that used to bind you yet not quite reached the romantic part that you both seemed interested in. Hence, all your encounters were slightly awkward with the romantic tension repressed between you. 

After lots of insisting on your part, Cloud had finally budged and accepted to let you come with him on this encounter. Your arguments, he had to admit, were strong and valid. No matter how capable he was, Cloud wasn’t invincible and as you predicted, he was outnumbered. Luckily, you were there to have his back. Even if he was worried that you would get hurt, which you did.

“Don’t give me the silent treatment now” You scoffed, noticing the tight wrinkle on his brow. “You got hurt too, didn’t you?” 

“I told you it would be dangerous”

“Yeah, and I knew that already”

He still didn’t say a word as you both made your way back. Just the thought of putting up with a silent seething Cloud made you exhausted. Or maybe it was the injury that you were hiding from him even as your ankle and knee throbbed under the fabric of your clothes. 

Comitting to his brooding demeanor, he silently opened the door to his room. You sneaked in before he could close it in your face and leave you to the loneliness of your own room. 

“What are you doing?” He scowled at you as you followed him inside.

“Someone has to patch you up, right?” You tiredly pointed to the tear in his tank top, there where a small amount of blood still seeped through his stomach.

“You’re so stubborn” Cloud only replied, resigning himself. His eyes watched you as you closed the door behind you and went to get the first aid kit.

“Yeah, yeah, like you’re any better” As you faced your back to him, you paused for a moment. A sudden lump formed in your throat and tears stung in your eyes. In all honestly, you hated to feel this harshness between you.

Hanging your head low, you told yourself that he wasn’t the warmest person. Even on your best moments, he had never been openly affectionate... but he could be very sweet and tender when he wanted to. 

When you heard the sound of his sword being leaned against the wall and the springs of the bed complain as he sat on it, you forced yourself back to reality. Clutching the first aid kit in your hands, you turned to him.

It was then when you realized where his wound was. And that you needed better access to it in order to properly treat it. Cloud frowned, staring at you, and you just hoped you weren’t blushing at the words you were about to say.

“Take your shirt off, Soldier” You dryly said, even if your voice shook a bit.

“Ex-Soldier” He corrected as usual, but didn’t move at first. 

Exasperated, you rolled your eyes at him and tilted your head. Cloud sighed and obliged, removing his tank top over his head and carelessly throwing it on top of the bed.

Your breath hitched at the sight of his bare torso and you couldn’t help but to stare. There was a scar on his chest, right above his fresh wound. Despite his pale skin tone, he was slim and his muscles were defined. You gulped, having to remind yourself what you were doing. 

“Any problem?” He asked, noticing your hesitance.

“N-No” You hurried to kneel down in front of him to hide yourself, being careful with your injured leg. “It’s just worse than I thought”

Your hands worked fast as they drenched a piece of gauze in alcohol and quickly applied it to his wound. Cloud groaned in pain at the sudden movement, and his hand flew to yours. He had taken his gloves off at some point, so it made direct contact with your skin. His palm lingered over your hand even as you looked up at him and locked eyes.

“Sorry” You could barely hear your low voice over the drumming of your heart. “I’ll be more careful”

He gravely nodded, slowly letting go of your hand. Immediately you missed his touch, his warmth, the rough texture of his calloused hands. You parted your lips, ready to tell him to do it again, to touch you, to forget the coldness that hung in the air and hold you. Until you remembered that you needed to treat his wound.

Resigned to your metaphorical distance despite your physical closeness, you sighed and carried on with your task. You gingerly pressed the gauze against his stomach. This time he didn’t flinch.

“What is it?” Cloud’s voice broke the heavy silence that had established.

He had noticed your inner turmoil. After all, he knew you as well as you knew him. You took a moment to reply, refusing to voice your genuine thoughts. Instead, you asked something that was starting to weigh down on you.

“Are you still mad at me?” You piped up after several more seconds.

Cloud sighed himself, averting his gaze when you glanced up at him again.

“I was never mad at you” Was his reply, still refusing to look at you.

You knew him far too well to realize what this meant. Angrily picking up a bandage to cover his wound, you shook your head at him.

“Don’t you dare blame yourself for this, it was my decision” Even if your tone held anger, your fingers continued to be gentle. “And I’m fine, just a few scratches here and there”

“Right” As soon as you were done patching him up, Cloud tugged at your arm.

Surprised that he was pulling you up, you gasped. He was strong and determined, and effortlessly pulled you to your feet as he stood himself. Mustering all self-control you could, you repressed the grimace that wanted to occupy your expression as you were forced to stand on your injured ankle. Despite your efforts, however, you stumbled forwards a little with a yelp. 

Cloud was quick to hold you by the hips, keeping you in place. You stared at him, surprised that he seemed so ready to catch you. Almost like he knew you would stumble.

“Head rush” You lied, and Cloud frowned in response. Your gazes locked for several seconds.

Feeling closer to him in every way, you opened your mouth to say something. He broke the instantaneous connection. Not saying a word, he moved you so you swapped places with him and carefully shoved you down onto the bed, taking the spot he was sitting in just a moment ago.

“Cloud?” You asked in confusion, watching as he carefully picked up your foot. His grip around your ankle was loose and yet it brought a pang of pain. “Ow!”

“Hurts?” He solely asked, and heat immediately flushed to your face.

“You’re really strong and...” Watching how he delicately propped your leg up on his knee, you interrupted your poor excuse. “What are you doing?”

“You were limping” Going along with his raspy voice, his eyes were severe as he peered at you. It was now your turn to avoid his eyes.

Cloud didn’t say anything else, shielding in the silence as he gently rolled your pants up to reveal your ankle. When his bare fingers delicately traced up your skin, you couldn’t help but shiver. He carefully put pressure in different spots, and although most of them hurt, you never wanted him to stop. The invisible barrier that was always between you had finally broken and his touch was tender and more wonderful than you could ever imagine.

“It’s nothing” He muttered, forcing you to look into his eyes as he stared into yours. “You’ll be fine if you don’t strain it” 

“Thanks, doctor” You joked, standing to your feet once more.

Again, Cloud reached out and held you by the hips when you inevitably stumbled. Your faces were suddenly extremely close, and you could see a faint blush appearing in his cheeks. The heat on yours betrayed the same flush.

When Cloud rearranged his hold on you, however, you yelped out in pain. He gasped before he could ask anything when your hands met again with his. 

“Oh” You breathed in relief, remembering about the mild wound you had nearly forgotten about. “Just a scratch, a bullet grazed me” 

Cloud’s brow furrowed as he frantically moved, carefully sitting you down again and going to take a look at it. His fingers, however, stopped at the hem of your shirt.

“Uh...” He gulped, shyly taking ahold of it. “Can I...?” 

Wrapping your fingers around his hand, you pulled at it and lifted your shirt just enough to reveal your wound. Cloud focused his gaze on it, relaxing his shoulders at the realization that it was nothing grave even if his eyebrows lingered on their frown.

His touch was still gentle as he prepared the gauze and pressed it, drenched in alcohol, against your wound. It smarted, but you refused to complain. Instead, as Cloud treated the superficial injury, you observed him. It was hard to miss how he was careful not to let his fingers touch your skin if he could help it. Nonetheless, his cares were tender as he covered the wound for you. 

You smiled to yourself at his face of concentration, and especially at the reddish tone his face had acquired. It made you remember all the reasons why you had feelings for him, even if you had unknowingly pushed them away after your argument.

“Did I miss something?” Cloud asked, putting everything back on the first aid kit.

“Yes, heal my heart” You replied without thinking, your gaze following him as he stood to his feet. You did the same, holding on to his shoulders to support yourself.

“Y/N...” When you regained that closeness, Cloud moved his head to the side.

“Just play along...” You begged, hoping that he would for once. It was exhausting that every time you tried to make a step forward, he took two steps backwards.

The brief silence that followed made the tension in the air all the more evident. It was not an angry one like before, yet one filled with unspoken words, sweet nothings that were never pronounced. 

“How?” He said after heaving a resigned sigh.

“Give me hope” You wrinkled your forehead, feeling frustrated tears arriving to your eyes. “Say something, anything...”

He didn’t. Cloud stayed quiet as usual. Tense and uncomfortable.

Letting go of him, you dropped your head in defeat. You gave up. Tears started rolling down your eyes. You had been convinced that you were in the same page, that you had feelings for each other despite the walls you both built around them. Maybe you were wrong, maybe you say something where there was nothing. You thought Cloud cared about you, but maybe he was just resigned to your attempts. It was so tiring, and so painful...

“It’s useless...” You whispered to yourself, feeling your shoulders convulsing with sobs. Trying not to let him know, you tried to repress any sounds, although some small strangled noises left your throat as more tears blurred your vision.

Ttwo arms suddenly envelopped you, urgently shoving you against his bare chest so tightly that it made sense that you couldn’t breathe. Utterly shocked, you just stood there, arms by your side, without even realizing you could return the hug. The tears froze in your eyes and the tightness that had arrived to your chest lessened.

“When you screamed and I saw you fall, I was terrified” Cloud whispered, nuzzling your neck. “That what you wanna hear?” 

A nervous yet genuine bout of laughter escaped you. Just then, your arms finally moved and wrapped around him in return. His skin was soft and warm.

“I’ll take it” You replied, relieved that he tore down his walls. At least, some of them.

Cloud chuckled against your ear, and you heart skipped a beat at the wonderful but unexpected sound. Pulling away, you looked up at him.

“Is that a laugh I hear?” 

“No”

His arms left you, but you weren’t going to let him win this time. You smiled, and to your surprise you saw a glimpse of his smile before you put your arms around his waist and hugged him again. 

“We should rest” All the accumulated tension left you as you pressed yourself against his chest. “I think the worry got to your head”

He scoffed, even if his arms returned around your frame.

“The pain got to your head” Was his response, which made you smile. That was the Cloud you knew and loved.

Despite your words, however, none of you moved to get some rest. Instead you stayed there, holding on to each other. You stood there, with your hands leaning over his bare built chest, with his hands resting over your hips in the small bit of skin exposed under the rolled up shirt. You both stood there, claiming something you craved and that you hadn’t allowed yourselves to have. Until now.

-

Tag list: @call-me-harley-quinn​ / @anxiouslyreckless​ / @xionroxas​ / @dancewaterdance02​ / @little-faerie-artist​ / @x-joie-x​ / @honeybunhanbin​ / @legallyblindgamer727​ / @goodmorningawfulbye​ / @trunks-kiwi​ / @ron-sparky-speirs​  // If you want to be added or taken off the tag list for these fandoms or characters, let me know!! // Reblogs and comments are appreciated!

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Episode 12

So, we start this episode with our heroes having to give up their swords. I like that with everything he’s been through, Lan Wangji doesn’t put up a fight here. He willingly gives up his sword without any resistance. It’s the smart move: he’s already injured, the Cloud Recesses has been nearly destroyed, his brother is missing (and in the book, his father is also dying). And it stands to reason that Jin Zixuan is the one who protests—his clan so far has been protected from the Wen Clan: they are wealthy, they certainly are a large clan, and they have the resources to keep the Wens at bay, seemingly.

“Though I am disgusted with Wen Chao, I’m not gonna bring any trouble to our family during this time.” Welp. That was short-lived. I think this thought of his lasts for about 12 hours before he can’t take any more of Wen Chao’s shit.

As if regular Wen Chao wasn’t horrible enough, now we get sleazeball Wen Chao. This is, of course, important later, that he takes a liking to MianMian. She’s essentially marked from this point on. But can I say that I love how she’s the one who steps up to assuage Wen Chao, rather than the Jin Zixuan? She steps up like a boss, takes Wen Chao’s gross comments in her stride, and stops her master from making a big mistake.

And it’s nice to get some actual character development for Jin Zixuan too. Prior to this, we know he was engaged to Jiang Yanli, but had no interest in marrying her. He basically acted like a big dick, without any real redeeming qualities. But now we see that he is not interested in going along with the Wens’ indoctrination, even though his dad told him to just be a good boy. Brings in the theme of the younger generation wanting to pave their own path. The older generation (the majority of the clan leaders) end up being pushed aside. Their ways don’t work against the Wens. A lot of our heroes (I use that word lightly in some characters’ cases) end up being forced to grow up really fast here—they come of age as they are literally fighting a war. They form identities on those battlegrounds. Idk what I was saying, I started to ramble.

And just as a side note, Wei Wuxian kept glancing at Lan Wangji throughout that scene, maybe searching for a reaction, maybe an opening to speak, maybe just wanting Lan Wangji to look at him—seeking that connection. I think he is desperate to find out what has happened since they parted in Qinghe.

Ugh, Jiang Cheng, I couldn’t care less about your little crush on Wen Qing! Stop being so emo about her! Seriously, this is the dumbest thing they added into Untamed. This stupid “romance” that amounts to nothing and really adds nothing to either character, especially Wen Qing. Omg but imagine if they had gone with their original plans to make Wei Wuxian hook up with Wen Qing—the drama between him and Jiang Cheng! Or maybe this was the compromise. Like, “we need to make Wen Qing the romantic object for one of the boys…hmm…who should we pick…Eeny meeny miney mo….” I hate it, really. I don’t give a damn about the comb or the eventual life of loneliness that you have ahead of you, Jiang Cheng. Just stop. You’re not marriage material—you’re not fit for that, okay? You get to be a grumpy uncle, at best.

This will never not be funny to me. The absolute gall he has here, to gleefully volunteer to recite, and then to decidedly recite the wrong principles. But see what I mean about him immediately causing trouble? He’s looking for a window to talk to Lan Wangji and he finds it in misbehaving and forcing a punishment onto himself. It’s as if he’s fine behaving and being a good boy for the Jiang Clan, unless something is going on with Lan Wangji, which it most certainly is. More fuel for the fire for Jiang Cheng, I’m afraid, more proof that perhaps Wei Wuxian values Lan Wangji just a little bit more than him.

Also, everyone’s reactions here: Jiang Cheng is pissed (of course), Nie Huaisang is bemused (“Oh, you rascal!”), Jin Zixuan seems to be impressed (“You go, girl!”), and Lan Wangji…I think this is the first time that Lan Wangji actually looks at Wei Wuxian. They don’t make eye contact, but he looks up, and as his eyes flick back down, it’s as if he’s uttering a silent “thank you.” It’s such a quiet moment, juxtaposed to Wei Wuxian noisily reciting the Gusu Lan principles. I think Lan Wangji is just so appreciative here to know that he isn’t alone. He may seem alone—his clan lost many, his brother is missing—but he is most certainly not alone, because Wei Wuxian is here too. I’m getting all emotional now.

Okay, now they’re making eye contact, hahaha! Do I think Lan Wangji is a little annoyed that he has to cart shit around? Probably a little. But I actually think that he’s more annoyed that Wei Wuxian might be making things harder for them all in his desperation to have a talk with Lan Wangji. Like I said, Lan Wangji appreciates that Wei Wuxian is with him, making him feel that he’s not alone, but he also doesn’t want to make things worse. His clan is in a bad state right now, and at this point, he has to still be concerned that if they go too far against the Wens, that could come back and spell bad news for their families. Wei Wuxian has already forced that issue to the back of his mind, because he’s so focused on finding out what happened at Cloud Recesses. I can understand why Jiang Cheng is pissed, since Wei Wuxian told him he’d keep his head low, and he’s currently doing the opposite. More tension, I love it!

It’d be really easy to look at this scene and make it all about wangxian and how Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian so much and would do anything for him (this is, of course true), but that’s not what this scene is all about. It’s about three out of the five major clans seeing how oppressive the Wen Clan is, it’s about standing up for what’s right, even if it looks like you’re going to lose the fight. Jin Zixuan could have kept his head down and continued to shovel shit, but he didn’t. He stood up and used all the clout he had to try and put a stop to the abuse that Wen Chao is doing against Wei Wuxian. At this point, we know that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian will help each other out—it’s happened before, it’s not news (not that I don’t fucking love it), but Jin Zixuan, who up until this point has had a pretty poor relationship with Wei Wuxian, didn’t have to do anything, but he did. He knows this is wrong, he can see what the Wen Clan is doing is wrong, but he’s mostly powerless to stop any of it. His threats are inherently empty, but nevertheless he tries. It doesn’t mean he likes Wei Wuxian, but it does mean that he knows Wei Wuxian is right to stand up to the Wens.

I love this. All of this. Lan Wangji putting himself between Wei Wuxian and Wen Chao, only to be whipped aside, and then getting up (on his broken leg) and doing it all over again. Just like Jin Zixuan, he’s literally standing up to injustice, but it’s different, right? It’s different because this is Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, two people who’ve been through dangerous situations together, two people whose beginning was extremely rocky—but they are two people who grew to understand and need each other. I don’t think either one of them could pinpoint that need, but I think it’s there, just below the surface. Lan Wangji could never stand aside and watch Wei Wuxian be abused, and the same is true for Wei Wuxian. Right or wrong, they have a desire to protect each other. Because, like I said before, I think Lan Wangji knows they are all treading on thin ice right now. He’s seen his home destroyed and he likely doesn’t want the same thing to happen to Wei Wuxian. I would be amazed if he wasn’t thinking about that right about now—how will my actions affect him? Nevertheless, he won’t stand by and do nothing, even if it means taking that risk.

I also kind of wonder what Jiang Cheng would do here. I feel like he would try to protect Wei Wuxian (he does so later with his mother), but at the back of my mind, I still feel like Jiang Cheng has this deep resentment of Wei Wuxian that is always hiding just below the surface, just waiting to show itself. Wei Wuxian got himself into this mess, and maybe, in Jiang Cheng’s mind, he deserves the punishment. And that’s not to say that Jiang Cheng would agree with the Wen Clan, because obviously he does not, but part of me thinks he might be thinking, if only a flicker of a thought across his mind: “Serves him right.” I have a dark fascination for Jiang Cheng—I don’t want him to ever really be a good person hahaha.

Can I just point out that Lan Wangji never lets go of Wei Wuxian here, and it is a thing of beauty.

Until this moment, of course. Wen Chao asks if Lan Wangji wants to join Wei Wuxian in the dungeon, and 100% Lan Wangji was ready to do just that until Wei Wuxian stops him. He makes the decision to be taken alone. He doesn’t want Lan Wangji to get in any more trouble. He’s got to realize by now that Lan Wangji was taken to Qishan by force and probably finds that idea disturbing at the very least.

The look on his face really kills me here. Again Lan Wangji is in a situation where he is powerless. This is just like back at the Cloud Recesses. He fought—yes, he fought with everything he had, but in the end, he couldn’t stop them. He had to give up the Yin Iron shard, he had to go with the Wens to the indoctrination. And here is again: he tried to stand up to them, but ultimately he’s forced to give up and live to fight another day, as they say. And if you look at Jin Zixuan, he’s visibly annoyed—he feels like he shouldn’t be treated this way, that his standing in the Jin Clan should protect him from this. Lan Wangji, though? He looks defeated here. Not fall-on-the-ground-sobbing-defeated, but definitely defeated. He wants to do more, but realizes that he can’t. This whole mini arc for him is like one battle with himself after another. He’s struggling to find what exactly is his place in this world, what’s his place with Wei Wuxian, what’s his place in his own clan.

This fucking dog. I hate this. I hate that they went with practical over CG here. It looks so bad. Has anyone reading this seen Neverending Story? Yes? Okay, that’s what this reminds me of. 1980s special effects, but this was made in 2018. My friend and I are watching the series together (yes, I have two simultaneous rewatches going), and she likened this to Xena: Warrior Princess special effects. I think that’s pretty apt—1990s television, extremely cheesy and hokey. Honestly it ruins the whole scene for me. Xiao Zhan’s acting is great here—he is terrified of that fucking semi-animatronic dog at the other end of that cell. Although, I commented to my friend, if that had been a puppy, Wei Wuxian would have been just as terrified. I definitely relate. Dogs scare me—a lot sometimes. I had several dogs jump on me as a very young child and I’ve really never recovered. That doesn’t mean I don’t like dogs—I like them a lot! But I wouldn’t choose to be around a wild, poorly behaved dog. Like, just no.

Also, since I’m not really commenting on Wen Qing/Wen Ning stuff (because it’s mostly padding to me), but Wen Ning just wants to have friends! Wen Qing is coming from a good place, yes, but he has no fucking idea why she won’t let him talk to Wei Wuxian, a man who he clearly looks up to from the little interaction that they’ve had together. Honestly, I really wish they had kept in the archery contest when Wei Wuxian sees Wen Ning shooting arrows (I know they kind of moved it, but it’s not the same).

Wen Chao is really just trying to stop Wei Wuxian from actually breaking down this cheap-ass door. Seriously, it looks like it’s supposed to be rock, but it’s moving quite a bit. Now I’m just being mean, aren’t I? Honestly I love the low budget stuff (Mystery Science Theater 3000, anyone? I mean the good one. Not that crap that they put out recently), and I’m just poking fun.

Oh, my gosh, I just had a funny thought. How did Wen Chao know that Wei Wuxian was afraid of dogs? Maybe Jiang Cheng told him hahahaha. I mean, not like you’d need to be afraid of dogs to be terrified in that situation. It was a funny thought, in a dark way.

So I took this screenshot to set up a contrast. Lan Wangji is relieved to see Wei Wuxian alive and well, and in pretty good spirits for someone who spent the night with an enormous mythical-like dog. He doesn’t say anything—he just watches.

Jiang Cheng, on the other hand, at first is relieved to see Wei Wuxian, but he quickly pushes him away when Wei Wuxian attempts to make physical contact with him. This isn’t the first time. He did that in Lotus Pier as well. He doesn’t hesitate to brush Wei Wuxian off. I know that Jiang Cheng cares about Wei Wuxian—I know that—but he cares less about Wei Wuxian than he does about other things, like his family. There’s a distinction for him. Yanli, his mother, his father—they are all his family. Wei Wuxian was practically raised as his brother, but it’s clear that he doesn’t see him as a brother at all. He sees him as a subordinate, someone who should listen to him and report to him. I don’t think his anger here is that Wei Wuxian could have been killed, I think it’s more that Wei Wuxian could have caused the Jiangs trouble.

There’s a poignant sense of a loss of their youth here. So much has changed, and it’s changed for the worse. The sense that they took so much for granted is palpable. It’s really sad. And it’s not played for laughs at all. They all miss those days back at the Cloud Recesses when they goofed off, learned a lot, embarked on a journey to find the Yin Iron shards, a journey that ultimately was the root of all the chaos that they are currently living in (again, within CQL verse). I like how it’s just Jiang Cheng, Nie Huaisang, and Wei Wuxian who are actually having a conversation, but they keep panning over to Lan Wangji as they fondly remember their time in Gusu. Like the land he lives in, he has changed too. His scope of the world is so much bigger now: it’s not just about rules anymore, and who’s following or not following them. There are worse things than bringing Emperor’s Smile into the Cloud Recesses.

So Wen Chao has laid it all out before them now: Cloud Recesses has been taken over, Qinghe is going to be taken over, Jin Clan is cooperating but will be attacked if Jin Zixuan steps out of line, and Jiang Clan could be next. Jiang Cheng is obviously upset about the prospect, not to mention Wen Chao called his father a coward. It’s nice to see Wei Wuxian, who only a few hours ago was on the other side, trying to restrain someone else. But he knows now that the Wens are not above anything—murder, torture, absolute destruction—and Wei Wuxian is one of those people who doesn’t mind harm coming to himself, but cannot abide harm coming to others, especially those he is close to. But Wei Wuxian is obviously pissed too, and it’s taking every fiber of his being to resist the urge to lash out again. He understands now: they need to watch themselves during this indoctrination.

There was a time when I might have turned a blind eye to Jiang Cheng’s remarks here, when I might have assumed he was coming from a place of concern. This is not that time. Wei Wuxian is so caring, so kind, so welcoming, and Jiang Cheng is just none of those things. He is very much a person who places his own safety (and his family’s safety) above anything else; he is a person who doesn’t really get it when they say on the plane, “put your own mask on first before assisting others” because he would literally never not put his own mask on first. Know what I mean? And I think the concept of working together here, seeing the Gusu Lan Clan as allies, doesn’t phase him. He’s like, it’s us or them, and he chooses us. And this is all logical, but I’m only saying it because that’s not what Wei Wuxian is about. Wei Wuxian’s “us” includes the Jiang Clan (yes), but it also includes Lan Wangji, Nie Huaisang, and the other clans that are being held ransom by the Wens.

And I still say that Jiang Cheng is continually jealous of the attention that Lan Wangji receives. He wants to be the most important person in Wei Wuxian’s eyes—he is the future clan leader, after all. He wants Wei Wuxian to support him and him alone. He doesn’t understand this loyalty to another clan, especially someone like Lan Wangji, who he still thinks dislikes and disdains Wei Wuxian.

I love their faces. I love how genuine Wei Wuxian is here. I love how he asks several times how Lan Wangji’s leg is. I love how Lan Wangji stoically answers each time that he’s fine. And I hate that the episode ends right here lol. Look at that smile, though! How could you say no to that smile?

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |

[it-is-the-female-federal]

Hey gyns, I know a lot of you come here for the positivity and today I am writing something which feels a bit double.

Past year I did my bachelor's thesis and got a bloody great grade on it. My courses to be let into my master's were a succes and I passed all of them, 2 even with pretty great grades for Dutch standards. I got into my master of choice right away and got my bachelor's degree. All quite impressive things considering how much I struggled with no structure or guiding deadlines from uni. I struggled with my motivation and concentration and sometimes I felt like I would be able to have done more if I just did not have ADD.

The first quarantine I was able to meet a friend once in a while face to face while we kept our distance. Friends were better at keeping up and tried to keep up online. After the summer it went okay. In summer we were a bit more free, while trying our best to stay safe. Around October people stopped trying, some even stopped coming over eventhough I saw no one outside of 1 day a week babysitting. I was lucky to speak a friend once a month online. Christmas and New Year were lonely. My younger brother had a few friends that did their best to jeep in touch and hang out safely outside with him. It felt, still feels, heartbreaking that after everything my friends supported me with the past years, a pandemic was what made us lose touch with one another.

And now it is March again. I sometimes see a friend, not often. I still only see my babysit children and with the curfew my mom and I can't go on an evening walk when the house feels too small. It doesn't feel as if my master has started. In all this I bled through the pill, since I forgot that I was already taking it for 3 months (deal with my doctor, talked about this extensively). So, I needed to stop. I also have an exam this wednesday eventhough it doesn't feel like my master has started. It doesn't feel like I have an exam, so something keeps me from studying. My emotion eating out of loneliness has become worse, although we do not have enough snacks in the house and even then I do not crave it as much as I used to. All these things now seem to come together and I feel like I am in a slump.

I have decided that I am only going to focus on the assignment that I need to hand in as a part of my grade. Will make the exam ofcourse, but I am not going to study as if my life depended on me and already accepted that I probably need to take the resit. It is what is best for my mental health at the moment. A few years ago I never could have taken this descision and would have worked myself to headaches and even worse emotion eating. I am proud of what I have accomplished, but because the only people that seem to congratulate me are family and all of you, it feels hollow. I miss being able to celebrate it with friends, but what is worse is that I do not speak them outside of these little messages once every few months. I have been sick of being the one that always messages first of to carry a conversation. It is honestly exhausting having only my mom to talk, which is why I am glad to be here. I wanted to write this down, not only to get this off my chest, but also to show to others that we are all going through things sometimes and it is okay to make descisions that feel wrong, because you finally put your mental health first.

As I am typing this, I honestly feel like crying. But my mom and younger brother are still downstairs and I do not feel like making a big deal out of this, since I know it is from feeling isolated and we are all going through this. I hope my story might help one of you, like you helped me stay sane during this insane year.

[scarabbai]

Adeptus Fragile! Handle with Care.

Rating: T

Relationships: Ganyu & Xiao | Alatus, Xiao | Alatus & Zhongli, Ganyu & Zhongli, etc.

Fic Summary:

Centuries have passed since the age of the Traveler and their companions, and the immortals of Teyvat—or what’s left of them—have moved on, living modern lives in modern times. The adepti of Liyue are no exception.

But when something rather unexpected happens, their modern life begins to get a little... too modern. One sunny morning, the great Conqueror of Demons, an accomplished senior in the ranks of the Adepti, wakes up and looks at the world with innocent eyes.

“Who am I?”

Archons, someone give poor Ganyu a break...

-

Chapter 1:

In which Xiao wakes up

AO3 Link

The first thought that comes to him when he wakes up is: Fuck, my head hurts.

The second one comes after, when he pulls the sheets tighter around himself and buries his face in his pillow with a groan: I don’t want to get up.

The third slams into him just as he’s about to fall back asleep: Wait, where am I?

He bolts upright in bed, shaking the sleep out of his eyes like a wet dog shaking out its fur. He regrets it when it only makes his headache worse, but the fact that he doesn’t recognize any of his surroundings when his eyes do a quick sweep of the room overshadows that.

Alright, this is fine. Everything is fine. Remain calm. Remain calm, uh...

The realization crashes down on him like a wave, leaving him cold and shivering.

He doesn’t even know his own name.

Okay. Okay, you know what? He can do this. He can work with this. First things first: get situated.

He makes a move to get out of bed, but with his legs tangled in the sheets, it ends with him taking a rather ungraceful tumble instead. His face burns with embarrassment when he lands on the floor with a thud, reduced to nothing more than a balled up heap of limbs. Frustrated, he kicks and struggles blindly, but it only gets him more jumbled up. He’s like a cat trying and failing to escape a blanket cocoon.

He huffs. Mortals and their needlessly irritating fabrics...

Wait, what? Where did that come from? He scrunches up his face in confusion, puzzled by his own thoughts.

Thankfully, he doesn’t need to think much more about it when he hears a knock at the door.

“Xiao,” calls a voice from outside the room, and his head snaps toward the sound. Shit, someone’s here. “Xiao, are you alright in there? I heard a loud noise.”

He doesn’t respond, not trusting his own ability to speak. What should he say? What should he do? And why is that voice, of all things, so familiar? It’s comforting, despite having no idea who it belongs to.

The knocking comes again, more insistent this time. “Xiao,” the voice repeats, firmer but concerned. “If you don’t say anything, I’m coming in!”

He struggles harder in response, but his awkward flailing gets him nowhere. He slumps in defeat. Apparently, this is his life. Whoever he is, bested by a very long and very tangled roll of cloth.

When the door opens, he freezes. A girl with light blue hair steps into the room. She has a gentle and earnest look to her despite the worry written all over her face, and...

Are those horns on her head?

There must be some kind of next level pathetic expression on his face because when she glances over and sees him looking the way he does on the floor, her first reaction isn’t laughter. Instead, she gasps in horror and rushes over, kneeling down and fretting over him in a way that makes him tense up and abandon the idea of wriggling free. He shrinks away and hides his face from her big, purple-pink-whatever colored eyes—they make him feel guilty, somehow.

“Xiao, what’s going on? What happened?” She reaches out but seems to rethink her decision, pulling her hand back before it can touch him. Is he poisonous or something? “It must be the karmic debt again... I’ll call Zhongli, he’ll know what to do.”

She’s back on her feet almost instantly, but before she can turn and leave, some unknown impulse—fear? Loneliness? Just the need for an explanation?—has him reaching out.

“Wait,” he pleads, and the sound of his own voice surprises him somehow. “Don’t go...”

The words stop her in her tracks. He can’t identify the emotion in her eyes when she slowly leans down again to take in his teary-eyed expression, but he thinks it might be uncertainty. Or suspicion? Maybe it’s just intense focus. He’s not sure what that something is, but he’s pretty sure now that he’s bad at reading people.

With that same look of scrutiny on her face, she cautiously reaches out and places a hand on his forehead. Her skin is cold to the touch, and he fights the urge to flinch away. He’s learning very quickly that he’s unused to physical contact.

Despite this, something inside him relaxes as the coolness spreads from his head to the rest of his body. She’s trustworthy, he decides. He may not know who she is or why her presence is so soothing, but he knows this.

Is she family? She feels like family. He does have a family, right?

A thoughtful—and somewhat displeased—hum breaks him out of his thoughts. Expression blank but eyes curious, he blinks up at her while she puts her hand to her chin and frowns at him. She seems troubled.

“Xiao–” She cuts herself off, worrying her lower lip in uncertainty. Dimly, he realizes she’s been referring to him by that the whole time—Xiao might be his name. “You’re... acting a bit strange this morning. And you came stumbling home last night, and you went to sleep when you never do, and...”

She sighs. Heavily. She sounds so distressed it makes him feel a bit sick in solidarity.

“I don’t mean to pry or overstep, but...” She pauses, unsure, and that inexplicable feeling of guilt returns to him in her brief silence. “Are you alright? I think there might be something wrong...” A look of alarm crosses her face, and she quickly backpedals. “Not with you, of course! I’m just saying...” She fidgets a little, but when she meets his eyes this time, her resolve seems stronger. “I’m just saying if you’ve gotten into any trouble, you can tell me. I’ll do my best to help, wherever I can. It’s the least I could do.”

He stares at her in response. She stares back, wilting a little.

Definitely family, he concludes. A doting older sister, perhaps.

Awkwardly, he realizes her silence means he should answer her somehow, but instead of replying with something intelligent or actually explaining himself, all his stupid mouth blurts is, “Good morning. Are you my big sister?”

He immediately wants to bury himself.

While she balks, caught off guard by his clearly uncharacteristic statement, he panics. More foolish nonsense spills out of his mouth, and between her confused spluttering and his inability to form proper words, their attempted conversation dissolves into an unrecognizable mess of half-formed sounds. It’s as if he isn’t used to speaking or hasn’t spoken in a long time, and this failed speech of his is making up for it.

In the end, none of what they attempted to say was actually comprehensible. He takes one look at the pure confusion—and maybe even a little horror, but he has a hard time telling—written all over her face and knows he has to try again. It appears he’s bad with words as well. Shame and frustration settle in his chest at this discovery.

The first thing he manages to come up with is, “Sorry.” He buries his face in the fabric wrapped around him, feeling small. “I don’t... know what’s happening,” he admits, and he hopes the note of fear in his voice is muffled. “I don’t remember anything. I don’t know who you are.” His eyes sting with tears. Suddenly, he feels pathetic. “I don’t even know who I am...”

Saying it out loud breaks something inside him—it all feels so much more real now, and he‘s so confused, so lost. What is he supposed to do? Who was he? Why did this happen? Frantic thoughts swell like rising water within him, and he sobs, drowning. He doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know.

The question that says it all falls from his lips like tears:

“Who am I?”

- - -

Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad.

She doesn’t know what she expected from this morning, but it certainly wasn’t this. It certainly wasn’t waking up to find Xiao—whom she greatly respects—in... whatever state it is he’s in.

He had called her big sister. Her! The big sister! The sheer disbelief she felt at those words—if anything, Xiao is the senior. His rank in adeptal affairs is higher than hers despite their ages, and their interactions have always reflected this. And if that wasn’t jarring enough, what he revealed next sent her reeling.

No memories. None at all. Can you believe that? The Conqueror of Demons with sudden amnesia? What is this? What has her life come to?

She realizes, belatedly, that Xiao is crying. He’s crying right now in front of her when he had never once showed an ounce of vulnerability before her in the past, and the sight is shocking.

Well, no time to lose. She has to do something, even if she’s not sure what exactly it is she should do.

Swallowing down her nerves, she tries to sound as gentle and reassuring as possible when she shushes him and murmurs, soothingly, “It’ll be alright, Xiao, it’ll be alright... You’ll be okay.”

As she says this, she awkwardly reaches down and—the act kills her a little inside—pats Xiao lightly on the head. Despite his sobbing, he calms slightly. That alone is enough to make her nerves fade just a little, and she takes the opportunity to help him out of the blanket bundle he’s gotten himself into. With careful hands, she unwraps the sheets tangled around his body, peeling away layer after layer until he goes from sad spring roll to just Xiao.

As she pulls back to assess her handiwork, it really strikes her how... small Xiao is.

He hasn’t gotten any shorter or thinner, his facial features are unchanged, and overall he looks the same as he did yesterday, but the way he holds himself now makes all the difference. His emotions are out in the open as he wipes at his tears, his heart unburdened by memory, his eyes innocent. Without the millenniums of suffering and coldness that defined him, he feels so young.

He’s just a boy, she thinks as she pulls him into a hug. He resists at first but settles into the embrace soon after, resting his chin on her shoulder. Mindful of the way he shakes with quieting sniffles, she rubs little circles into his back. The action seems to soothe him.

Ganyu considers the situation. This is okay, actually. This is alright. Zhongli-dàrén will help her figure out what has happened to Xiao when they go to him, but she can handle this for now. She can manage this.

Responsibility is a self assigned fate that has always fit her like a glove, and this is just another to add to her list of duties. Surely it won’t be that hard to look after her new little brother?

“Your name is Xiao,” she begins, voice soft. “I’m Ganyu.”

She feels rather than sees the nod Xiao gives in response. It makes her smile as she pets his hair.

“And you’re right, Xiao-dìdì. I’m your big sister, and I’ll take care of you.”

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Don’t let me Forget

Based on the song “I don’t quite remember” by Beth Crowley

Sebastian Stan x reader

Word count 1884

Warnings: breakup, tears, small fight

Summary: You break up with Sebastian because he’s away so much, but then you realize that having him around some of the time is much better than never having him.

--------------------------

“Look, I just don’t know if this is working out anymore Sebastian,” you said quietly, crossing your arms. Your boyfriend Sebastian stood in front of you, confusion written across his face. He had just gotten home from shooting in God knows where. He had been gone for 3 weeks.

“What do you mean, y/n?” he asked you, stepping closer. You shook your head, “Look, I know it’s your job and it’s not your fault, it’s just...It’s hard when you leave and then I can’t see you for weeks on end, and I thought I couldn’t handle it, but I was wrong.”

You loved Sebastian very much, that wasn’t the issue. You had just overestimated your abilities to do the long distance thing.

He stepped closer to you and you averted your gaze. “Babe, I…” he grazed a hand over your arm. “I’m sorry. I mean, I know I’m away a lot, but please. Don’t do this. I love you.”

You stepped back and turned away from him. “I think you should go.” you said, voice wavering a little. “Please Seb.”

“No, I’m not going to just leave.” he said, walking around in front of you again. “We can make this work. Please, don’t give up on me.”

You just shook your head. “I’m sorry.”

He sighed a little before shaking his head and stepping back. “You said you understood. You know this is my job. You knew what you were getting yourself into!” he yelled.

Anger rising in you, you snapped back “Well I didn’t realize that this relationship would be more of me waiting for you to come home than actually spending time with you!”

He shook his head. “That’s not fair.”

“Well neither is being alone for weeks!” you yelled, tears streaming down your face.

He softened and tried to come comfort you. You stepped back. “Don’t! Just….” you sighed. “Please just go.”

“Please y/n -”

“Now.”

Stunned into silence, he sighed before grabbing the bag he had just come in with and walking out the door, slamming it behind him. And once the door closed, you broke down. 

Sobs wracked your body and you fell to your knees. You didn’t really want him to leave, you just couldn’t take the standstill anymore. The waiting, the disappointment when he said the shooting was extended, or the annoyance when he had to drop everything he was doing to take a phone call from his agent. You knew it was his job, but you never knew a relationship could feel so lonely. 

You didn’t sleep in your room that night. Or the next week. You couldn’t. The empty side of the bed where Seb used to lie felt different when you knew he wasn’t coming home anymore. You could still smell his cologne on his pillow, and you couldn’t do that to yourself. Not yet.

You tried to push him out of your mind. You put all of the things he left behind in a box and shoved it into a far corner of the closet so you didn’t have to look at it. The days were okay, you were occupied enough with your job and regular day to day tasks. But when the sun went down and you would lay on your couch, the memories would come back to haunt you.

All the laughs, all the smiles, all the times the two of you made it work. These nights would always end up with you crying, remembering all that was and thinking about what could have been. What you threw away just because you were a little lonely.

This went on for a few months. You could feel your focus slipping at your work, and in the things you did. You thought you had pushed him out of your mind, and every time you were satisfied with how you had moved on, he would creep back in from a darker corner of your mind you apparently had missed.

You were having second thoughts. Regret was beginning to consume you.

But as the days went on, you realized that some of the memories you had, the best ones, were becoming foggy. They were muddling together, fading away. And at first you thought that’s what you had wanted. But the more you thought about it, the more you wondered if you actually wanted to move on. Or if you maybe wanted a second chance.

You missed the way he would smile at you, the way his laugh sounded. Sure, you could go on google or youtube and flick through the thousands of pictures or videos of him being the goofball that he was, but it was different when he was with you. And that couldn’t be found on the internet.

You pulled out your phone to look for pictures you had taken together to try and jog your memory of what it was like when he would smile at you. But what you found instead was where they used to be, since you had deleted them all that first night. 

Frustrated, you scroll through your phone to see if there were any texts or emails, voicemails, anything to give you something, but you had deleted those as well. You chucked your phone at the wall, not caring if it was broken. You put your head in your hands and started crying. You missed him so much, and there was no way to hide it anymore.

You stand up and walk to the room you used to share with him. You hadn’t been in here since you broke up with him. You plopped down on the bed and rolled over to his side, breathing deeply to get a whiff of his scent, only to cry even harder when you realized that had faded too.

You sobbed into what used to be his pillow, clinging to it tightly. You stayed like that for the rest of the night, trying to immerse yourself in the memory of him. But it was still so cold. You had nothing left but your pride and fading memories, and neither of those could keep you warm on this cold autumn night.

The next day was a Saturday and you woke up, but didn’t get out of bed. What was the point anyways? You had nothing to do that day, and you had no plans to try and do anything. It would just be interrupted by thinking of what you lost.

You stared blankly at the wall, and your chest ached with loneliness. You realized you didn’t remember what it felt like to have Seb wrap his arms around you from behind and hold you close. How you felt against him, and him against you. You would do anything to feel him, see him, hear him again. 

You would have never let him go if you knew that you could have possibly felt as alone as you did right now. And you didn;t know how, but somehow that feeling got worse with each passing day.

The tears were flowing again and you did nothing to stop them. No one would see them anyways. And then you were painfully reminded of that day when you had pushed him away when he was just trying to wipe away your tears.

He would never do that again

That thought alone was enough to cause you to roll into your pillow, a new set of sobs overtaking you. You never knew that love could hurt so bad.

You were pulled out of your thoughts by what you thought was knocking. But no, it couldn’t possibly be someone knocking, you hadn’t had anyone over since he left. No one knew how much you were struggling with the choice you made. 

But you heard it again. 4 firm knocks. Wait…

You sat up in your bed and wiped your face aggressively. Seb used to knock that way, and no one else you knew did. You knew you shouldn't get your hopes up. Why would he come back after all this time?

You walked over to the door, hoping your eyes weren’t too puffy and that you didn’t look as much of the mess that you felt like you were inside. Your hand hesitated over the doorknob, before closing your eyes and turning it.

You opened your eyes and nearly fell to the ground when you saw Sebastian standing at your door. “Hey,” he said.

“Seb!” you said, gasping a little. You crossed your arms. “What - uh - what’re you doing here?”

He looked down at his feet. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping, and his hair was a mess. You thought it was cute, the way it was tossed about, but you brought your attention back to the conversation.

“I, uh…” he started, before looking up to meet your eyes. “Can I come in? Please?” 

You nodded, stepping to the side. He stood there, hands in his pockets, and you tried to memorize every last detail of him before he vanished again. You needed to remember everything.

“Look, I know when we last saw each other - we didn’t leave on good terms - it’s just…” he sighed, looking back at you. “I missed you.”

You nodded again, afraid to open your mouth because you knew a sob would escape instead of words. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice cracking, and you brought your eyes to meet his own. They were shining with tears. 

You felt tears stinging your own eyes as well. You looked down at your feet before saying, “I didn’t sleep in our bed for months because it smelled like you. I deleted everything that night and it has been eating away at me that I couldn’t remember certain things about you. Your laugh, your smile...” you let a few tears escape before meeting his eyes again. “I missed you too, Seb.”

He let out the breath he had been holding and stepped forward to hug you. When he wrapped his arms around you, you finally broke down. It was real, he was here, and his arms held you tightly. “I’m so sorry, Seb. I made a big mistake. This was all my fault.”

He shushed you and rubbed a hand up and down your back. “I’m sorry too, babe. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be alone for so long, waiting.”

You shook your head against his chest. “Not as painful as knowing you wouldn’t be coming back and not remembering how it felt when you were here.”

The two of you stood there for a few more minutes of silence, besides the sniffling and quiet cries of the two of you. You took a shaky breath. “Please don’t go. No matter what I say, don’t leave again.”

He tightened his arms around you again. “Never again. Not like that. I’m not going anywhere.”

You tilted your head back to look at him. You were both a crying mess, bloodshot eyes and red faces. You leaned up to kiss him, and it was the best feeling you had had in awhile. “Never let me forget what this feels like,” you breathed into him.

He shook his head. “Never.”

[misstrashchan]

Since @im-the-king-of-the-ocean did a post about what TMA fear entities the RWBY characters are aligned/avatars of, I’ve been itching to do one myself because as a result of overlapping hyper fixations I think about this A LOT

The basic concept is that avatars in TMA become what they fear most or embrace a fear they have developed the most complex relationship with that plays into their motivations and drive as a character. What negative impulses they have to constantly fight themselves on, the shape of the monster that lives in their heart.

To quote the RWBY song Fear, “But our greatest fear will be realised, if we fall and lose ourselves to fear, we’ll become what we’ve feared all our lives” yeah that’s a very loose definition of what becoming an avatar is.

Since MAG s5 has proven that you can be an avatar of more than one fear, (Like Martin serving both the Eye and the Lonely) some of the RWBY characters might have more than one, but I’ll try to limit it to two to avoid getting complicated, but at the end of the day it’s all fear soup, we might categorise them according to Robert Smirke’s 14, but they all bleed into one another, like Gerard’s colour analogy in 111:

GERARD

I always think it helps to imagine them like colours. The edges bleed together, and you can talk about little differences: “oh, that’s indigo, that’s more lilac”, but they’re both purple. I mean, I guess there are technically infinite colours, but you group them together into a few big ones. A lot of it’s kind of arbitrary. I mean, why are navy blue and sky blue both called blue, when pink’s an entirely different colour from red? Y’know? I don’t know, that’s just how it works.

And like colours, some of these powers, they feed into or balance each other. Some really clash, and you just can’t put them together. I mean, you could see them all as just one thing, I guess, but it would be pretty much meaningless, y’know, like… like trying to describe a… shirt by talking about the concept of colour.

O-Of course, with these things it’s not a simple spectrum, y’know, it’s more like –

ARCHIVIST

An infinite amorphous blob of terror bleeding out in every direction at once.

GERARD

Now you’re getting it.

ARCHIVIST

Like colours, but if colours hated me. Got it. 

Ruby Rose: The End. The fear of death itself, uncaring and unstoppable. Man this was hard to think about but I have a lot of Big Feelings about this one. Initially I really, really wanted to give Ruby the Eye simply because “can laser beam monsters with their eyeballs once they become powerful enough” and there is a fascinating overlap in how the Beholding powers and Silver Eyes function in the same way, (especially in how Cinder being exposed to the Silver Eyes fills her with an overpowering fear and reopens old wounds from trauma that have never properly healed; which is VERY similar in the psychological affect Jon’s has on his victims when he Beholds them) they’re both direct enemies/opposites to the Dark that expose their enemies/victims true nature and destroying them in the process at times. Only one feeds on fear and the trauma of others while the other feeds off of hope and love (Gerard says there’s no such thing as an avatar of hope and love, clearly he’s never heard of Ruby). 

But nope! The fear and nature of the Beholding just doesn’t really match with Ruby at all. She isn’t driven by a need of knowledge, nor does she fear being watched, followed or having her secrets exposed. The End though? Death itself? Ruby outright states that’s her biggest fear in volume 5 to Oscar “It doesn’t matter if you’re standing in Salem’s way or not. She’ll kill anyone. And that, scares me most of all” to me Ruby’s fear of death itself is projected onto Salem here, I think. It’s uncaring, unstoppable, it doesn’t discriminate, and it could come for the people she cares about at any time. What matters though is the context she says this is in explaining her motives to Oscar. Her whole life has been shaped by her inability to process death, her relationship with grief, all starting with the tragic and abrupt death of her mother Summer as a child. She’s also surrounded by a lot of death motif too, the hooded cape, mostly wearing black, the giant grim reaper scythe. She’s the End. 

Of course, her being an Avatar of the End means having to imagine the worst version of Ruby, one that is fully consumed by that fear. Avatars of the End are not malicious or destructive in nature but instead are… very apathetic. They don’t need to seek out victims to feed off of, nor do they have a ritual, because the End comes for all. And that fits with what Ruby would be like if that fear fully consumed her. It’s more or less established in vol6 during the apathy arc when she tries so hard to fight against their influence and how horrified she is when everyone around her falls prey to it. Giving up, not caring, accepting the inevitable demise of everyone and yourself? Ruby was terrified of that. And when looking at the vol8 opening where we see Ruby being dragged down by what looks like the arms of the apathy? She fights the hardest against it because it’s what she’s most afraid of, but because of her inability to process her grief properly is ultimately what will make her the most vulnerable to it when she’s pushed to her limit. All Salem needs to do to break Ruby is to remind her of Summer’s death. Not even what actually happened to her or how she died, just the death itself. Hell, the first time we see Ruby in the Red trailer, she’s at her mother’s grave, the first verse in Red like Roses that’s about Ruby “Red like Roses fills my dreams and brings me to the place you rest” in which we come to understand that the “Red like roses” lyrics in both part one and two of the song is referring to Summer’s abrupt death which Ruby apparently dreams about, which brings to mind Oliver Banks, our most prominent Avatar of the End, whose first statement to The Magnus Institute in 011 (underneath the fake alias of “Antonio Blake”) is concerning how he started dreaming about the deaths of others, which he didn’t begin to take seriously- until it was his father that he saw in his dream. Upon which Oliver realised how terrifying death really was and that fear began to consume him. 

Okay I’ve probably gone off long enough about this but yeah. Ruby is the End. I mean, she also just got a song in the v7 soundtrack called Until the End 

Weiss Schnee: The Lonely. The fear of isolation, of being completely cut off and alone or disconnected from the rest of society. I don’t really have to go too deeply into this one. It’s pretty cut and dry. “The loneliest of all”? And the Schnees basically are the Lukas family. Actually thinking about it the Lukas’ are actually somewhat better? They were the only ones in the whole of TMA that understood to raise a child to be an heir/avatar of their fear they needed room to reject it or actively choose it, even if that had an 80% success rate. Both are still awful though. (Damn, I can’t believe Jaques is an actively worse parent than an eldritch fear avatar)

When Weiss comes back to Atlas in v4 she’s more aware of her loneliness than ever, feels more aware of how she and atlas high society as a whole is disconnected from the rest of the world and its struggles. Whitley commenting on her being in her room for months implies she’s purposefully been isolating herself during this time as well, in order to avoid her family members “A pleasure to see you out of your room for a change” (sidenote; the fact that whenever Whitley shows up it always catches Weiss off guard, like she didn’t even notice his presence until he wanted her too. That’s. That’s a BIG Lonely thing. Given Peter’s siblings eventually ran away and he was the only heir I can imagine Peter being what Whitley would end up like if no one intervenes)

I’d say they might also be an possibility of the Stranger due to her struggling to find her own identity and inability to recognise oneself, but that can be an aspect of the Lonely too, as we see when Martin is in a house that is a domain of the Lonely in s5, and is unable to recognise himself in the mirror or recall who he is.

What I do have to say about this is it’s pretty interesting considering at this point in the show Weiss’ relationship with loneliness is actually somewhat healthy and something she can use to relate to and help others. She understands other people’s loneliness, that Blake in v5 needed space and in time she’d come back, and Weiss would be ready to be there for her when she did. And she also understands Yang’s loneliness in the same volume and that she needed someone there to support her.

“But you’re right. I don’t know loneliness like you do. I have my own version. And I bet  Blake has her own version too.” 

Speaking of Blake…

 Blake Belladonna: The Stranger, I Do Not Know You. The fear that you cannot trust the perception of yourself or of others. The creeping sense that something isn’t right. I considered the Spiral, but the Stranger and the Spiral overlap more than any other two entities so I’m just gonna go with the Stranger. Especially with her semblance being a metaphor for disassociation, a coping mechanism for the abuse and gaslighting from her relationship with Adam being kind of the biggest thing here, since the Stranger and Spiral deal with that a lot. She literally creates false copies of herself, shadow clones which she uses to feint, distract and evade. As well as statues/mannequins when dust is involved, which the Stranger is known for manifesting. Her fighting style centres around misdirection, stealth and fooling people’s senses. She also used to be part of the White Fang, known within Sienna and Adam’s faction to wear the masks of monsters, appearing anonymous. And she literally disguises her identity as a Faunus in order to escape the White Fang and enroll at Beacon. Blake at first was hesitant to trust and rely on the others in the earlier volumes, to let her guard down, and when she finally did, the worst happened and her fears were proven right. In s2 Jonathan becomes more paranoid due to being marked and in close daily proximity to the Stranger (as Not-Sasha), much like how Blake in v2 becomes far more paranoid and less trusting of her team. She also does seek knowledge or answers even at the cost of her wellbeing, which is an Eye thing, but Blake’s desire for knowledge and answers isn’t really consistent or important enough with her character and motives beyond vol2 for me personally to consider her an Avatar of it, but I do think she is Eye aligned. 

Yang Xiao Long- The Eye. The Ceaseless Watcher, It Knows You, as well as The Hunt. For the Eye, the first time we see Yang is her trying to find information on her mother, and we see Raven in bird form at the beginning too, as she has followed Yang her whole life, never actually interacting or doing anything for her, just�� watching her. We learn in vol2 that her search for answers surrounding her mother has been a part of her entire life, almost overwhelmingly so to the point where in her childhood she and Ruby nearly lost their lives to the Grimm when she decided to journey to a shack in the woods she thought would lead to clues in finding her mother. She is adamant because of that experience to never let her need for the truth and answers control her, but it is a need that is always there. When she finally meets Raven, she’s encouraged to “start questioning everything she knows” which, she does. Questioning and knowledge is a big part of Yang’s character, even now. She’s the one who questions Ozpin the most, as well as Raven herself, and in the recent volumes is the one who challenges and questions Ruby’s leadership the most. There’s also a moment in vol7 of her drawing parallels between herself and Robyn and relating to her when she says “I won’t stop until I find out the truth” Her being the one to take the relic of knowledge is hugely significant in this too, especially given the context that she acquires it right after confronting her mother, getting the answers she’s searched for her whole life, holding an artefact possessing infinite knowledge, and she sinks to her knees and cries because there is no sense of closure, that anything is better because of her knowing who and what her mother is, and that her choosing this path might have cost her ever having a relationship with Raven (which is more Raven’s fault of course, and Yang knows that, but that’s not how she’s feeling at that exact moment). 

For the Hunt, this one’s a bit simpler. The thrill seeker aspect to Yang’s character and motives in becoming a huntress and enjoying the chase and fighting in of itself. There’s another element in that as most Avatars of the Hunt start out as monster hunters who then develop the need to hunt and kill monsters, and gradually what qualifies as “monster” starts to blur more and more as they become consumed by the need and thrill of the chase and hunt itself. I bring this up because in vol3 Blake draws parallels between Yang and Adam after she is disqualified for attacking and injuring Mercury, worries with how familiar this all feels and that Yang might turn out the same as him (and just for the record Adam is a full blown Avatar of the Hunt, and the Slaughter too most like) 

 “I had someone very dear to me change. It wasn’t in an instant, it was gradual. Little choices that began to pile up. He told me not to worry. At first they were accidents, then it was self-defence. Before long, even I began to think he was right. This is all just… very familiar.” What Blake describes is… kind of similar to Basira’s relationship with Daisy with how Daisy, an Avatar of the Hunt, would justify to Basira and explain away how the violence and murders she committed as being for the greater good. 

Also just one more, because I have to

 Pyrrha Nikos: WebwebWEBWEB. Hoo boi Pyrrha is the Webbiest of Web Avatars as they come. Her whole character’s themes surrounding destiny, control and agency, feeling like her whole life had been decided for her, the fact she’d been blessed with incredible talents and opportunities meant she was supposed to be a huntress, the fact her talent as a world champion meant she was placed on a pedestal without her realising, becoming separate from the people who placed her there in the first place, that Ozpin and his inner circle tell her she has been chosen as the next Fall Maiden, but the method in which she must become so might result in the loss of her identity, that though they ultimately leave the choice to her do pressure and manipulate her into it. The idea of destiny being a predetermined fate you can’t escape is Pyrrha’s greatest fear, and rejects that idea in that she will not let her life be manipulated but will be the one to take control it instead, which is manifested in her having a semblance that she uses to subtly control and manipulate her surroundings. As Cinder puts it, “People assume she’s fated for victory when really she’s really taken fate into her own hands”.  

[lunatens]

too much to ask

word count: 1.5k

genre: angst :((

pairing: hwang hyunjin x gender neutral reader

requested by anonymous <3

a/n: i don’t write angst often but this is probably the most angsty thing i’ve ever written lolol pls enjoy i hope it makes u sad also if anyone wants a sequel lemme know bc i feel so bad doing best boy hyunjin like this 

112520 update: here’s the sequel!

~

“happy birthday to me,” you sing lowly to yourself as you take another swig of your drink. it’s nearly midnight--meaning your birthday will be over in a mere few minutes--and hyunjin still isn’t home. you haven’t seen him all day, except for when he gave you a quick kiss when he left early in the morning with whispers of “i’ll see you tonight, babe. happy birthday,” as he quietly slipped out the door. 

honestly, you had high hopes for today. you’ve generally been understanding of hyunjin’s busy schedule, and while it’s hard for him to be busy or overseas so often you’ve gotten used to it. sure, it meant a lot of holidays or anniversaries or celebrations spent alone, and it always hurts, but you’ve learned to accept hyunjin can’t be with you all the time. 

but he promised you he’d be home early from practice today so the two of you could spend the entire evening and night together--a rare occurrence, most times you have to settle on just a video chat or something. so hyunjin promising to spend the evening together was a big deal, and you couldn’t help but get your hopes up. of course you support hyunjin’s career and you always will, but you’d be lying to say you don’t crave a normal relationship where you can actually be with each other.

you had sat there for god knows how long staring out the window, eagerly waiting for hyunjin’s arrival. as the shadows grew long and a dusty haze darkened the sky, your heart sank deeper and deeper while your apartment remained silent. no loud laughter or terrible, over the top renditions of “happy birthday” echoing through the walls; no smell of blown-out candles or taste of sweet frosting on your lips. most importantly, no kisses that taste like sprinkles or soft hugs or hours spent in hyunjin’s arms like you were expecting. you haven’t even heard from your boyfriend since he’s been out, and you find yourself thinking at least a “sorry running late” text would be nice.

all of the day’s increasingly sad events--or lack thereof--are what has led you to your current state: lying sprawled out on the couch in the dark with your drink in one hand and the tv remote in the other as you flick through channels. you notice the slight buzz of alcohol making your head feel a little fuzzy--perhaps you’re balancing the line of tipsy and drunk.

you’re so out of it you barely register the key in the lock or the creak of the door as it swings open. the quietness of how hyunjin removes his coat and shoes tells you he’s trying to avoid you noticing him right away--he’s being cautious, you know he’s unsure of how to handle this situation. you glance at the clock and aren’t sure whether to laugh or cry; it’s 12:01--he’s missed your birthday by a single minute.

you opt for ignoring hyunjin, wanting to see how he treats the situation. honestly, your thoughts are too cloudy to even try and piece words together, so silence seems like the best option for now. you remain your channel surfing, eventually settling on an animal documentary. on-screen, you watch as a herd of elephants traverse a large expanse of desert. the room is silent, besides the quiet narration of the elephants’ journey, but you know hyunjin’s still there.

after what seems like an eternity, you pick up on the tentative shuffling footsteps that make their way to the couch. you feel arms snake their way around you from behind, but you don’t reciprocate.

“i’m so sorry, y/n” he mumbles, climbing over the couch to sit beside you. he studies your face, but you continue staring at the tv ahead. a baby elephant is now approaching a mud hole in search of water. you try to focus on the elephants and not how upset you are at how your rare chance at having a fun night together was taken away from you. you’re trying not to think about how you’re always so patient with hyunjin, and you put up with so, so much, and the one day that’s meant to celebrate you has been ruined. was it too much to ask for just one day--scratch that, a mere evening together? apparently it was, you think to yourself, and you try to remain stoic but you can’t stop the teardrops from silently trickling down your cheek. the elephant on-screen slips and falls into the mudhole, trumpeting feebly as it struggles to climb out. 

“y/n, i’m so sorry.”hyunjin says again, this time pulling your body close to his so he can hold you tightly and stroke your hair gently like he always does to soothe you. this action makes it worse; now you feel like you shouldn’t be mad at him, it’s probably not his fault. but you still are mad, and you can’t seem to redirect this anger. you still remain limp, not responding at all to hyunjin’s attempts at reconciliation. the alcohol clouding your thoughts does nothing to help the situation, and you find you’re having trouble processing the whirlwind of emotions running through you.

“i just--i tried to leave after practice, which already was running late,but seungmin was struggling with a part of the choreo so i-”

“you promised.” you cut him off, voice quiet but stern--almost stern, actually, as your voice waivers a bit at the end. hyunjin shuts up, taking the cue not to make any excuses. he quietly waits for your response, and you can feel his heart beating loud in his chest. you know he’s feeling immense guilt right now and is doing his best to not set off any land mines, and you almost feel bad for him for a moment, but the pang in your chest when you finally look at him with tear-stained cheeks reminds you how hurt you are. 

“you promised, hyunjin. you promised we’d have this one evening together, and i was dumb enough to actually get excited to be able to spend time with my boyfriend for once but now i realize that was so stupid of me, how could i be so stupid hyunjin?? this should’ve been like every other holiday or celebration where i sit alone wishing you were here and you’re out with your friends having fun and touring the world, i always miss you when that happens and it sucks but at least it doesn’t hurt as bad as this does,” the words start spilling from your mouth, and you’re not sure how much hyunjin can even understand from your mildly slurred speech, but you’re sure he’s got the gist of it.

“y/n, i--”

“i wish i never met you.” you mutter, half to yourself. your voice is barely audible at all, in fact you wouldn’t even be sure you said it if it wasn’t for the way hyunjin’s face fell. you watch how the colour drains from his face and he stares at you with wide eyes and speechless lips, you can see the heartbreak written across his face. hyunjin responds softly, trying his best to keep his composure.

“y-you don’t mean that,” he says with uncertainty, now avoiding eye contact. you merely glare at him in response, you want to tell him you didn’t mean it and you take it all back but you know that’s not entirely true. as much as you love hyunjin so, so much, this loneliness and heartbreak is just so hard sometimes, and it makes you question whether this relationship is worth it. sometimes you just think it would be so much easier if you’d never met hyunjin, you wouldn’t know this kind of pain.

hyunjin’s breath hitches at your silence, and he runs his fingers through his hair--a constant habit of his. without looking back up at you, he speaks once again, voice low. 

“okay, well uh, i-i think i’m going to head to bed then. i lov--happy birthday, y/n.” he mutters, and with those words, he slowly makes his way to your shared bedroom. in your peripheral vision, you catch him turn to look at you when he reaches the doorway, but you continue staring blankly at the tv. it’s not long before his slender figure disappears from sight and you hear the door quietly click behind him.

on the tv screen, you notice the elephant has fallen into the mud pit and is struggling to climb free. the herd in the distance doesn’t seem to notice this struggle, and the elephant sinks deeper into the mud each time it tries to escape. you check your phone to see the time and your wallpaper photo of you and hyunjin together is enough to open the flood gates. silent tears stream down your face as you lie alone on the couch, pulling the blanket tight to you and trying not to think about how falling asleep without hyunjin beside you (yet knowing he’s in the room next to you) just feels so wrong. it’s safe to say this has been the worst birthday ever, you think to yourself as your drunkenness finally lulls you to sleep.