#loneliness can be terrifying
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(13 pages) Forlorn
#trigun#trigun stampede#millions knives#on an episode of “how much can i woobify knives :D”#his character is interesting to explore. so much loneliness mixed with strong emotions repressed behind a cold facade#i wondered how he would react to the realization that he misses vash#if he brings his plans to fruition then they'll be reunited -- that's what he tells himself#maybe to keep the loneliness at bay but sometimes it catches up to him#i thought maybe this cold and perfect facade knives parades would shatter and the “ugly” emotions hidden behind would spill out#which would be smth out of his control. and knives hates it. or deep down is terrified of it#smth smth knives seeing vash in his reflection on a stolen red plant#and oh#oh he's PISSED#he let a part of himself break. he showed weakness. and over what? over vash?? but hes doing everything for HIM#he thinks -- so it's vash's fault he's losing his composure right?#it's vash's fault he's distracted from what could reunite them. his fault knives is doing all of this. feeling all of this#using vash as a scape goat for his own emotional turmoil#and that piano be damned. it's a monolith of his loneliness#if only it could all disappear-- the piano-- the cold-- the memories-- the weight on his heart-- the FEAR#there's smth about his rage being rooted in fear that intrigues me#fear of remaining alone-- fear of the hurricane of his own emotions-- fear of time passing and loss of control#then his hood falls off and he's left vulnerable and exposed#also i like the idea of knives looking pretty when he's composed but when he shows strong emotions he turns ugly and wrinkly#comic#i forgot it was in my drafts lol also not kv btw ^^#Thank you for reading! :3#shinxo art#shinxo comic
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do you have any particular thoughts regarding marcille being a half-elf? its interesting to me considering the fact that she seems self-conscious about being a half-elf, but denies it when its brought up
i remember marcille looking visibly uncomfortable over laios simply asking her how old she is, which i think the only reason she might feel nervous about this is because it might reveal her as a half-elf to him.
she's never corrected anybody whose called her an elf either.
never mind the circumstances of the reveal, in which thistle goes on about how half-elves are inferior and accusing her of wanting to become full blooded elf, she seemed particularly upset like he struck a nerve-
i wish the half-elf thing was built upon more. also, underrated marcille line:
okay so i revisited this sequence just to make sure I could back myself up and it's just... man. there's a lot going on.
the first reaction we get from Marcille is this huge panel that takes up half of the page
she is viscerally affected. flushing to the tips of her ears with the intensity of it. and we see it again, a few pages later
so it might seem like she's embarrassed about it and lying to herself, but... I really think it's just that Thistle is accidentally hitting sore spots. If you really look at what he says to get these reactions
"you'll live out your entire life [...] and die that way too"
"a hundred years from now, nobody will be there"
Hear me out. I think, if he stuck to harping on about her inferiority without bringing up how terrifyingly long-lived she is, she wouldn't have been as bothered. But right now, Thistle is accidentally hitting all the marks on Marcille's deepest fears-- and this is after the Winged Lion promised her that her dreams could come true in an extremely vulnerable moment, so it also hits her slightly guilty conscience as well.
I do truly believe that Marcille isn't bothered about being a half-elf the way that people assume she'd be bothered by it. To her, the biggest problem with being a half-elf is that it's isolating.
On one hand, it's not hard to imagine why she'd distance herself from elves in the west. A lot of them can clock her as a half-elf on sight, unlike other races, and therefore she's always branded with this weird stigma of being Othered -- I would even say that she considers herself lucky for being born outside of elven culture instead of having to grow up in it. I mean, just... look at the way elves talk about her.
Skipping past the uncomfortable implication of what 'not tolerating the existence' of half-elves would actually entail, this is incredibly fucking annoying. You can see why she wouldn't want to be around elves much. You see a lot of Marcille reacting badly here, but honestly, almost all of it can be attributed to her freaking out that her bluff completely failed. She's honestly more paying attention to Izutsumi's footsteps and trying to coordinate an opportunity to escape.
And in the end, you see her built-up frustration at being asked if she wants to be a full-blooded elf like 2-3 times in a row.
Yeah, yeah, "the lady doth protest too much," and all. But we know Marcille. We know that she's a lot more embarrassed and horrendously unconvincing when she's being prodded about something she's actually self-conscious about.
Moving onto the flipside of things, it might seem weird that she "pretends" to be a full elf around other races, but it's not really that strange if you think about it. Again, people are weird about her being infertile or whatever, and a lots of them don't even know much about what sets half-elves apart from everyone else. I mean, look at how uncomfortable Laios is just asking her about it
and look at how exasperated and resigned she looks
And like... she's right. Where would that come up in normal conversation? Why would she go out of her way to tell them? She's functionally a normal elf to other races anyway -- got the ears, the abnormally long "childhood", and the huge mana capacity. Unless it's directly relevant or important for people to know, I don't think it's all that strange or indicative of insecurity that she prefers not to bother with it.
(This combined with her sense of being an "outsider" to elf culture also explains why she thinks elf superiority is embarrassing. She sees the way elves treat short-lived races from the "outsider" perspective nonetheless, and thinks it's obnoxious; especially more so because she usually has to play the elf around short-lived races and deal with the reputation of arrogance that elves have built up.)
The sad thing is, this all means that... she doesn't actually fit in anywhere. She doesn't like going out West much because of how elves treat her. But she's also an outsider in the continents she was born in, treated like this exotic long-lived alien choosing to live among short-lived races for some reason. She is always an outsider, the Other, no matter where she goes. Add in the fact that she'll live longer than literally anyone she knows, and it's honestly kind of heartbreaking.
And I think that's the crux of it. Marcille really doesn't act like she's at all self-conscious about being a half-elf because of any feelings of inferiority or being half-made or whatever. She considers herself a perfectly legitimate being and might even, in some ways, consider herself superior to normal elves because she's not blind with elf supremacy or whatever. (And whatever "elven biases" she displays, all of them are born more out of the fact that she's kind of bad at conceptualizing how other races age and mature compared to herself, not that she actually considers herself better or more mature simply for being an elf.)
I think that whatever self-consciousness Marcille has about being a half-elf is, instead, related to terror and loneliness. The reminder that it ensures she'll never truly belong anywhere for the rest of her very long life. The reminder that, in truth, even she's not actually sure how old she is by other races' standards (hence the discomfort when asked how old she is). She doesn't want to not be a half elf, or be a full elf or full tall-man-- in her ideal world, she's still a half-elf. She just gets to live out her life at the same pace with the people she loves and doesn't have to say goodbye again and again and again until she dies.
and one last very important panel, right after Mithrun tells her that all her desires would be devoured
In her ideal world, she's still a half-elf and reality magically starts marching at her pace. But failing that, the second best thing is that she's still a half-elf-- but one who is able to accept reality and let go of her fear.
(But the rest of the story pans out the way it does because, to Marcille, taking reality apart and reshaping it was less scary than simply and fully reconciling with it.)
#asks#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#marcille donato#manga panel analysis#this is probably riddled with typos sorry#readmore cut bc it got long lmao#i ended up babbling about it bc it's such an important character detail to me#bc like... wow. she's so normal about it. she's literally just chilling.#the only thing that really bothers her is the material reality of it and how people treat her#the stereotypes the stigma etc. etc.#otherwise it just..#literally doesn't factor into her criteria for self-worth at all#the basic truth is that marcille likes herself on a fundamental level#she's not plagued by a deep and festering self-loathing the way a lot of characters in her archetype are#she likes herself and is proud of her successes and accomplishments#its just that shes terrified of failure and can have *episodes* of self-loathing when she fucks up#but who doesn't yknow#i know its a very slight nuance that makes very little difference in how her 'overachiever' problems manifest but its there#the sword of abandonment issues that hangs over her head has nothing to do with her self-worth or self-esteem or meeting her own standards#it has to do with the fear of not living up to *other* people's expectations and not being useful enough to be worth keeping around#she's good enough for herself but she's always so so so scared that she's not good enough for other people#i wont say much about what ryoko kui is saying using this as an allegory for real world racial biases but#dungeon meshi's treatment of marcille's relationship with her being half-elf is so incredibly important to me because it gets it so right.#a trauma about inferiority or being a half-being isn't inherent to the experience of being 'of two worlds' at all#that's something that's unfairly drilled into people by their environment#the *inherent* anguish is the loneliness. the constant longing. the fact that you are always homesick no matter where you are#always just a little bit of an outsider and never fully at home#and dungeon meshi gets that.#edit: cleaned it up a little
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beyond grateful for the people that are surrounding me in my life, just as i am grateful for the people i’ve parted ways with, for without them, i would not be the person i am today.
#i have left so many people throughout my life#and#if someone would ask me if i’d regret any choice i’ve made i would say no#i regret hurting people yet i wouldn’t change a thing if i could#without the suffering the sacrifices and the lessons i would not be the person i am today that i can finally say i’m proud of#whenever i read the question “would you want to be your friend if you’d meet yourself?” deep down my answer was no#i was a good friend and i always tried my best to be there for everyone#but i was so blinded and overwhelmed by my pain that i tried so hard not to project on others that it was exactly the thing i’ve done#i was extremely caring sensitive loving and selfless but my ”bad“ traits were just as extreme#my emotions were so overwhelming that they were scattered all over the place that it didn’t allow me to have any control over them#i used to be so terrified of being alone. all i’ve felt was a great loneliness that was residing within me#until i’ve gathered the strength to leave an entire friendgroup with people that meant the world for me#they weren’t good for me anymore just as i wasn’t for them#since that day i’ve grown a lot i became a better and healthier version of myself#i learned how to be alone and to find the peace in it and in myself#all i’ve had was Allah swt. and He is all i will ever need.#without the hardships in terms of friendship i wouldn’t have been able to learn how to be alone and love and enjoy it#without it i could not say that i could easily give up the people in my life#i could if i had to bc i have Allah swt.#but i’ve learned how to choose and to choose the right people#i don’t need you and never will but i choose you bc i want you in my life and i think that makes it so much more special#i can finally say that i love the person i am today and can’t wait to see myself grow even more as the cycle of growing is never ending#I still have so much to learn and I will let it come to me with open arms#an open mind and an open heart#above all the most precious gift i’ve earned is to learn how to have tawakkul.#everything that happens every trial that is afflicted upon us has meaning#and it’s beautiful.#being able to pick out the khair in everything is the biggest blessing#alhamdulillah for the things that bruised my soul alhamdulillah for the things that mended it#alhamdulillah for everything bc truly; Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.
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#sorry ignore this it’s post-election venting.#like just completely unproductive doomerism I need to get off my chest#ok real talk I have been feeling so hopeless and dead and depressed since the election.#I hate this country and I don’t think it can be fixed. not meaningfully in my lifetime.#I think I need to leave this place but im not financially able and im a transmasc person in a red state#with unsupportive parents.#I’ve given up hope on the idea that ‘ppl here are generally good and just misled into voting for the worse of the 2 evils’ and know just#feel these people are subhumanly stupid. beyond saving. no hope. they are voids. cesspits. empty headed useless ontologically evil braindead#soulless husks. it is useless to try to reason with them or inform them or convince them of anything. they are lost causes. it’s better#to leave this country while they rot in the dying empire They chose to make this bad.#they Want this. they Want fascism. they don’t care about other ppl#they are individualism poisoned Americans with no interest in a better future.#I hate them. I hate Americans. I hate my family. I hate my community.#none of it is worth fighting for anymore. they are lost causes.#the best course of action is to leave. but I can’t so im stuck with these fucking useless morons#so until then I have to rot with them. im stuck in this fucking tar pit of a country#with these fucking tar pits of ppl#illiterate fucking rednecks and functional alcoholic suburbanites. the fucking moldy white bread of humanity#I hope we all die. we deserve this.#useless fucking dnc allergic to winning.#barely coherent braindead voterbase. useless fucking male loneliness truther incels#the world would be better off if this country was fucking nuked off the map.#sorry silly fandom mutuals for being a whiny american. but things r materially going 2 get so much worse for me and my friends next year#project 2025 is terrifying and trump wants to put tariffs on everything which is going to cause prices of everything 2 skyrocket even more#and just knowing ppl are reveling in the ‘liberal tears’ aka ppl being upset that their lives r about 2 get worse makes my skin crawl#and makes me nauseous. these ppl are not human#they don’t care about Palestine they don’t care about Ukraine they don’t care about Sudan#and they don’t care about trans ppl gay ppl any racial minorities#some of them Are racial minorities and want 2 separate themselves from the ‘bad ones’#im just fucking disgusted by the ppl here voting against their own interests bc they r fucking dumb and misinformed.
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#it's so sad and lonely that most of fandom happens on discord these days because that just leaves me on the sidelines like ✌️#and like I'm trying to get over it and myself and the ✨trauma✨ but it's just. there's something so lonely about trying to be part of#something and then just fizzling out just like that. especially when there's so many established dynamics and groups and friendships#this is pathetic but it is what it is yknow#but I guess I'm also terrified that I'll come out of this writer's block without my love for ST and steddie just bc there was no way to#anchor it. and also no way to ✨be a part of it✨ meanwhile. I know my worth is not defined by the things I write but. but it kinda is#because what else is there? nothing.#why can't i be a person why can't I be known why can't I let that happen why can't I let people in why does the thought of asking if#I can join a server or something elicit such a strong trauma reaction (I know the answer to that one) why do I still wanna do it#why can't I why am I like this and when does it stop#delete this#but damn fandom loneliness just sucks and I know I'm not alone with this
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i cannot comprehend this
#monsoon posting#it is like I am mourning a fresh corpse#this grief is foreign. I have never experienced it like this#i will never see indigo again#this sort of awful plea;#one more moment. please#i miss him#i miss being small enough to curl into his hands. i miss him#please#i can remember it so vividly. being held in his hands#his claws digging into my flesh. my bone cracking and burning#and his hands. within my chest. close to my awful traitor heart#i could feel it. for moments. and I was so deeply terrified. I was so scared#but I reminded myself that he was just a moment away#but now he’s not#please. please#i cannot express this loneliness in words#it has been said once. i will say it again#indigo and monsoon are perhaps of the same heart#what am I meant to do? grieve and move on?#there would be no reason to move on. i remain because there is the vain hope that he will appear here#just as I have#but it is such a fleeting hope#and oftentimes I can do nothing but grieve
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Being an otherkin bastard's fun actually until someone asks you a sorta deep question about it and then you're confronted with The Horrors of Introspection
#textpost#I took AP art in high school and part of the portfolio project we needed to submit was to do like 8 pieces on a theme#that everyone had to do to test technical ability and understanding of the subjects#Then the other part was like 8 pieces that were entirely original in a medium of the artist's choice but they had to all tie together#So I drew a bunch of horrible monsters/demons looking miserable as all hell and for my tie-in essay on what the theme for them was#I wrote about how no matter how violent or gory or terrifying a monster is they can still feel loneliness and pain#I was really going through it back then lol#Anyway I got a 5 out of 4 on my portfolio. Still very proud of that. IIRC only one other guy in the class also got a 5#4 of 4 was superb but 5 of 4 was like SSS rank flawless#It's a shame I don't have the essay anymore... I lost all my copies moving up and down the coast after high school....#But I do still have my portfolio itself and all the art pieces
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loneliness really is the ugliest, most vile, gut wrenching emotion out there 😮💨
#salisha speaks#really going thru it rn i feel like SHIT#constantly being rejected and hurt is taking its toll on me besties 😁#also dont know how to get out of this loneliness because im so terrified to put myself out there#scared that no one will like me scared that ill just be hurt etc.#and my therapist told me to accept the loneliness and feel it well girly im feeling it !! 🤣🤣 can it end now thanks#AAUUGHHhh life has been hard i hope it gets easier soon
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to me huang rong was so maglor-coded. this is a me problem but also. <3
#when you can dress as a scrubby boy or the fanciest girl#spoiled terrifyingly powerful child of even more terrifying powerful guy#lines suggesting insecurity and loneliness that accompanies all this pride and singularity ??#daddy issues and absent mommy issues#fighter and knower of art and culture things#side chick feelings despite being the Soulmate#selfish person who feels a lot and falls in love#she basically wrote the noldolante when she cooked all those farewell dishes 2 represent different moments of her relationship w guo jing#<- deranged sentences always welling within me#my posts
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It's a weird feeling, recognizing myself going from sharp grief to a duller longing. A more vague missing. The details are blurring and the intensity is fading but the feeling persists. Like strands of yarn felting themselves into a muddled rainbow of an emotional ball.
#someday i want to draw the felted emotional ball of yarn strands and scraps#there are good feelings in it too#but its the painful ones that im most familiar with#im doing much better in general lately but#i am still filled with grief and longing and loneliness and pain#i am both. so ready for this pain to dull and be less agonizing so that i can go back to my normal emotional state#and so terrified to forget these memories in the crispness that is already fading#i dont want to let go but i dont want to hurt so much#this is about like. multiple things lol and they all hurt differently#its fun#im so very glad to have my boy to get me through it and provide the happy yarn strands and make me get outside and do things#ill ultimately be fine its just a lot of feelings#and i drank some sake because i wanted the can and didnt wanna waste the contents LMAO
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i think shadowbringers might be my favorite ffxiv expansion
#the idea of eternal daylight is terrifying#i also like how the light is seen as more evil while the dark is calming + sacred to the point where a religion that worships it developed#sin eaters and light wardens were neat too#and then the climax of 5.0#where you enter a recreation of the ancient city's final days while ''neath dark waters'' plays#it's the monument of emet's incredible loneliness#and as you begin to walk around it#and listen to the recreated denizens converse#you truely understand why the acians did everything#and how the final confrontation with emet is essentially ''for those we have lost'' vs ''for those we can yet save''#anyway
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i hope it changes soon. i hope the good parts stay and the bad parts become memory.
#idk. something about change#it is so terrifying and so beautiful#I want everyone in the world to be happy. but sometimes the things that make others happy make me so so sad#there are people in my life I want to be best friends with forever. and sometimes I wish we’d never met.#there are things I love that make me sad#I am so so lonely except when I’m the happiest and most fulfilled person alive#I guess what it comes down to is I am becoming more and more aware of the inherent contradiction of joy#having things that make me happy is hard cause the things can go away#ESPECIALLY when it’s people. people can go away and people can love things that hurt me#and people can love each other in ways that make my loneliness so much more stifling and heavy#and then those same people can turn around and love me in ways that I never ever want to lose#at this point I’m just waxing poetic#but you know how it is#not really a#vent#but I’ll tag it anyway in case#Calvin talks#ok to rb#this post is not really about anyone in particular it’s more about the general feeling of wanting to not be lonely anymore but also knowing#that if I make new friends#especially irl friends#I won’t get to talk to my online friends as much#even tho I know online friendships are hard for me cause I fall into a rabbit hole of needing constant attention to feel liked#sigh. oh well
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✿??
PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP MEME 0.2
“Not now, Elise. Black Mask’s a busy man...”
FRIENDSHIP. childhood friends / work buddies or coworkers / family friends / friends with benefits / smoking buddies / adventure buddies / fake friends / recently friends / party buddies / friendship of need / dying friendship / circumstantial friendship / partners in crime / old friendship / [ your muse ] is the good influence / [ your muse ] is the bad influence / [ my muse ] is the good influence / [ my muse ] is the bad influence / opposites attract / ride or die / frenemies / roommates or flatmates / penpals / exes to friends / enemies to friends / other
ROMANCE. childhood sweethearts / [ your muse is mines ] childhood crush / [ my muse is yours ] childhood crush / exes / exes to lovers / forbidden lovers / highschool sweethearts / secret relationship / opposites attract / long distance / unrequited [ from your muses side ] / unrequited [ from my muses side ] / unrequited [ from both sides ] / skinny love / friends to lovers / enemies to lovers / spurious relationship / power couple / newly entered / soulmates [ metaphorical ] / soulmates [ literal ] / awkward / turning toxic / toxic love / cheating [ on your muse ] / cheating [ with your muse ] / other
FAMILIAL. siblings [ half ] / siblings [ step ] / [ my muse ] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure / [ my muse ] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse / [ my muse ] is a parental figure to yours / [ my muse ] is a child figure to your muse / guardian figure / legal guardian / adoptive child / foster child / [ your muse ] is taken under mines wing / [ my muse ] is taken under yours wing / other
ANTAGONISTIC. dangerous to each other / dangerous to others / unpredictable / rivals / petty / developing into sexual or romantic tension / based off family matters / based of off circumstance / based of professional matters / based off misunderstanding or lies / conflict of ideology / betrayal / hero - villain dynamic / enemies / fight club / friends turned enemies / lovers turned enemies / exes turned enemies / other
#elisethetraveller#memes ;; pre-established relationships#Okay this one took a little more consideration#Because honestly? Their relationship could either be kind of cute or toxic af#Elise has powers and Roman would not hestitate to manipulate her for his own benefit#Capitalizing on her weakness regarding loneliness#He's a bastard like that#So that area has a chance of becoming toxic#Elise deserves better#Roman also terrifying her by having her ride in one of his fancy cars#He doesn't have a horse and they need to move fast so get in#Jesus Roman be nice#Also being the bad influence#He absolutely WOULD and it's such a heartbreaking situation because Elise is just so desperately lonely and I don't think he quite realizes?#Or underestimates just how badly this sort of behaviour can hurt her#Elise may have been around for hundreds of years but she's still got feelings#And he's a piece of shit#I hope this was okay for the moment friend#Their relationship can be so much more but the midnight hour is spurring
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Ive been in fucking love with where Bonneys character is going ever since the “WHY WOULDNT I BE CRYING? IVE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!” And Luffy immediately replies with “huh? But ive been here the whole time!” Because i LOVED what that line implied. Yes the obvious bit Luffys pointing out is the fact he has been with Bonney the whole time, he isn’t Nika, he’s Luffy! But I adored the implication that, indirect as always with Luffy, hes talking about the fact that Nika, and everything he means to Bonney, has always been with her.
I fucking loved 1118. I screamed and squealed and chewed my bed frame over the fact HERE IS THIS LITTLE GIRL who LOVES her father, the father who has always been there to love and protect her, and here she is. STRONG ENOUGH TO PROTECT HIM. Strong enough to help ward off the literal demons trying to hurt him. And theres her and her fathers IDOL laughing and encouraging her to woop the asses of some sorry old men.
I will fucking defend this story telling choice to my fucking grave. Especially with the knowledge that Joyboy doesnt mean Nika (which, again, in one piece fashion, feels kind of obvious in hindsight). Like Luffy keeps telling Bonney, hes NOT Nika, hes Luffy!! Hes that weird dumb fucking guy she met who revels in the freedom that gear 5 brings him, Luffy doesnt even seem to fucking notice his form, he just revels in how he FEELS. In the beat of his heart, in the adrenaline of the fight. Gear 5th to him is a FEELING, its being FREE. How the FUCK do you GATEKEEP A FEELING. Yeah pirates dont share but gear 5th, nika, joyboy, WHATEVER you wanna call it, isnt HIS to not share????? Gear 5th isnt a pile of treasure or a mountain of meat, its feeling your heart beating and having a dream what the FUCK is there to BITCH ABOUT
Bonney hate rn is WILD. Like HOW do you not see how beautiful and poetic this is??? She was the daughter of a slave who just witnessed the memories of her father who spent his lifetimes suffering while still believing in Nika until the end. Not only does she get to meet Nika, with his encouragement she is able to adopt his likeness as the FREEST person in the world.
Like?! Bonney finally achieved the one thing Kuma gave up everything for her to have—a life of freedom where she could be happy. It’s amazing. It’s everything One Piece is about and everything Luffy stands for.
I swear these keyboard warriors don’t even read the goddamn story. They just wanna see Zoro go slice slice and Luffy make big punch. SMH.
#i swear to GOD i will turn this car around if mabel pines happens again#i fuckin LOVE 1118 i LOVE where bonneys character went#i found her relatable#heres this little girl. who loves her dad more than anything in the world#who was terrified he didnt love her back#he was her whole world and showed her the things she loved#thats something i found deeply#DEEPLY relatable#and look at her now!#shes so fucking happy. strong#free#one piece#shes a stupid silly little girl who puts on lipstick like shes a 1930s character because thats her idea of maturity#of fucking course shes getting a distorted future freedom form#look at her shes always been so fucking similar to luffy i can sniff the crippling loneliness on her#go FORTH and kick ASS CHILD!!!!
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Need to think about nico & genevieve. dynamic of all time
#What if you wanted to help me and I hated you but couldn't do anything to stop you.#What if I was terrified of you because you won't stop being nice to me.#What if I ended up entirely under your control.#And you're still being nice to me but I don't know if I even have the option to fight back anymore.#I'm scared of you and I hate you and you've never given me a reason for either of those. And that's why I'm scared of you.#And also you're a very wealthy foxgirl lesbian vampire who's incredibly skilled with a sword.#And you set me up to fail and I can't tell if it's on purpose or because you actually think I can do it.#But I don't know what will happen if I tell you no. And I'm too proud to admit my own shortcomings. And too scared to admit weakness.#So I do what you ask me to do. And I hate you and I'm scared of you and you love me like your own son.#And I could never hate my family. And you're my family now.#I chose you. (the alternative was death. the alternative was loneliness) You did not choose me. I fell into your hands.#You feed me. I do not know the length of my own leash.#Idk where I'm going with this. Just. Nico thoughts.
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#brain is currently serving the absolute smash hit cocktail of ‘terrified of socialising and talking to people’#‘crippling loneliness’ and ‘they haven’t replied oh god they must be dead’#with a dash of ‘I am just screaming to the void and no can hear or cares’#it’s paired very well with#‘finds it physically impossible to open up about feeling to anyone bc the threat of emotional intimacy and being perceived is too great’#maddy talks#brain stop plsss :)))
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