#lolol ignore this post I just need a link

[aclosetfan]

Heyyyyy, how are you doing? I hope you are doing well and life gets better and better with each day for you. just saw your post with your H/Cs about the girls. I was wondering if you have some of the boys too?? Maybe something you haven't mentioned before, and/or would be unexpected to some fans.

Btw, you are probably my favourite writer in the fandom. I usually don't re-read fics but Until Do Us Apart has my heart, ksjdhhdgghj. You can't imagine how much I cried when I first read it 😭 When I find it, I will definitely read it again (when I have free time).

Bro ngl, forgot i wrote that (AGAIN), re-read it, and after i got past all the typos i missed and fell into the story, i was like WHAT!? I couldn't have written that! Like who?? Me?? That was too sad. too heartbreaking. I hate it. I want five more stories just like it. thnxs!!

here's the link so everyone can be sad too :) just ignore all the fucking typos

lmao anywayyy! Three h/cs for our fave boys. I've forgotten what i have and have not mentioned, so if these are just repeats, sorry in advance. Like with the girls, my headcanons don't vary often! Once I've characterized them, they're pretty much characterized lolol

Brick:

On paper, he's not a good leader. He's condescending, bossy, lazy, and the biggest asshole, but where Blossom needs a plan for everything, Brick is quick on his feet and doesn't mind Boomer and Butch straying from the plan. He doesn't direct every action, and because he's better at taking shit in stride, his brothers are also better at acting independently. By contrast, Bubbles and Buttercup are well-trained and don't act until directed, which drives Brick up a wall. He's definitely an "I told you what needs to be done, so figure it out already" macro-manager.

Boy band/girly pop junkie, but he'll go to the grave before anyone finds out, except everyone knows. He's bad at hiding it. He claims all the k-pop shirts he owns were bought as a joke, but his spotify is linked to Butch and Boomer's, and they know how big of a swiftie he is. (or like in-universe equivalent lol)

He's depression barbie all the way, which isn't a new h/c I just want to reiterate that mentally he's not doing well and is a gremlin about it. His brothers routinely remind him that he does, in fact, have to drink water.

Butch:

If not for him, his brothers would have killed each other by now. He's not any more responsible than the other two, but he is a grounding figure. He has, overall, earth-sign-middle-sibling energy. He's the one who remembers to take out the trash, not because he wants to take out the trash, but because the trash just needs to be taken out, and he's standing there anyway. This headcanon is actually hard for me to convey with words. Basically, he's the one keeping the trio together. Good second-in-command guy.

Sure, Brick broods and Boomer whines, but Butch is the brother staying up at night yearning for something a little bit more than the life they've got. I think he'd be the brother most easily persuaded to "go good," not Boomer like I've seen. He likes his reputation as the big tough monster of the trio, but a small part of him knows it's all just a front and that he'd like to be respected as a person. With that in mind, it's easy to see how he could be angry angry angry. He's stuck, he wants more, he's doing what he's made to do, he loves his brothers, he wants to leave them, he feels directionless, lost - - - might as well workout to distract himself, maybe start a fight.

planes, trains, and automobiles bbbyyyyyyyyy. Autism be damned, my boy can work an engine (both real and of the model variety)

Boomer:

i feel like i've already said everything I've got on this kid haha, but I don't think I've mentioned that, like Bubbles, he's good with small creatures, but where she focuses on the cute ones, he's obsessed with rabid raccoons and fucked up looking opossums. He has an opossum hidden in his bedroom named Trashcan. Also very interested in Bugs(tm).

Went through an "emo" phase, except he was a total poser about it, which caused considerable tension between him and Brick (goth boy extraordinaire), and wore bad eyeliner. Then, immediately after, went through a surfer boy phase, then a cowboy phase, and then a, well . . . basically, Boomer's always trying to find himself because he doesn't think Himself is good enough (he hasn't had his Kenough moment yet), and is desperately seeking other peoples approval.

Boomer may not know who he is quite yet, but to his brothers, he is crinkly-eyed smiles, breezy laughs, warm hugs, and cold hands with an innate ability to make them feel like they're people worth loving. He may not like it, but he's the baby brother through and through.

[r0-boat]

Master List part 2 (WIP)

( if see any posts not on this list please DM me the link I will add it)

Key

⭐: original(mostly written by me)

🌹: smut

🔪: yandere

🍷: some kink cw

🧨:darker Cw's and Tw's

Submas +Volo

Ingo

Virgin Warden🌹⭐

Alpha primal ingo🌹🍷🧨

Yan!ingo giveing s/o aphrodisiac ⭐🌹🍷🔪

Jealous W!Ingo pussy slapping🌹⭐

Subby alpha ingo⭐🍷🌹

Ingo sneaks into your room while you're sleeping⭐🔪🧨🌹🍷

Priest!ingo stealing his brother's wife🌹⭐🍷🔪🧨

Sub!ingo with his bunny⭐🌹

Stuck with Yandere!Warden Ingo ⭐️🌹🔪

Ingo with Neko!reader Hcs⭐️

Warden!Ingo breeding (Trans ftm reader)🌹⭐️🍷

Ingo a breeding kink🌹⭐🍷

Emmet

Emmet fucking his rival🌹⭐🍷

His rival fucking him🌹⭐🍷

Feral Alpha! Emmet🌹⭐🍷

Twins

Twins with introvert/physically affectionate reader⭐

Pinning for you⭐

Poly relationship+Elesa 🌹🍷⭐

s/o on their period⭐

Twins with small reader🌹🍷⭐

Emmet slapping your pussy 🌹⭐

Au idea: villain submas🌹⭐🍷

Villain au: twins reaction to a new hero instead of reader⭐

Twins cock drunk⭐🌹🍷

No nut November twins ramble⭐🌹

Volo

Volo sneaks into your room while you're sleeping 🌹⭐🔪🧨

Tarzan!Volo⭐🧨🍷

SM/USUM

Nanu

Alpha!Nanu hcs🌹🍷⭐

Alpha!Nanu-Pushing him to his limit🌹🍷⭐

Stalker!Nanu🔪🌹⭐🧨

Incubus!Nanu🌹⭐🔪🧨

HGSS

Morty Headcannons sfw & nsfw⭐🌹🍷

B&W

Colress experimenting on reader(old post)⭐🌹🍷

Colress Uno reverse getting experimented on( old post)⭐🌹🍷

X&Y

Alpha!Siebold⭐🌹🍷

SWSH

Kabu

Pussydrunk! kabu🌹⭐🍷

Multiple

Galar men having audio accounts⭐🌹🍷

Pokemen reaction to pillow princess S/o⭐🌹🍷

Paldea men having gwa accounts🌹🍷⭐

HasselxreaderxBrassius poly mini🍷🌹⭐

BDSP&P/Hisui

Mer!Meli develops a crush on his savior⭐

Mer!meli his Crush comes back (part 2)⭐

Cyllene

Cyllene breaks your back⭐🌹🍷

ORAS

Maxie

Maxie General romantic head cannons⭐

Vampire!Maxie Hcs

ScVi

Brassius

Yan!brass hcs ⭐🔪🌹

Hassel

Pegging hassel⭐🌹

Rika

Daddy Kink!Rika fucs u wth strap⭐🌹🍷

Rika&afab reader period headcannons⭐

Jacq

Nsfw hcs⭐🌹🍷

Larry

Larry using your body as stress relief⭐🍷🌹

Yan!Larry hcs⭐🔪🌹🍷

Larry hcs🌟🌹🍷

SDV

Shane

Shane hcs PART 2⭐🌹

Harvey

Harvey hcs⭐

Harvey patches you up ⭐️

Alex

Alex hcs⭐

Sebastian

Alpha! Seb⭐🌹🍷

Ocs

Silas The dragon 🐉

Marriage headcannons⭐🔪🌹

Never Escape, not with a baby in you🔪🧨🌹⭐

Rough fuck, use you like a fuck toy🔪⭐🍷🌹

Reading a book, thinking about you⭐🍷🌹🔪

Fell Dragon!Silas corruption🔪🧨🌹🍷

Cole the werewolf

Halloween22 Slasher!Cole⭐🧨🌹🔪

Daddy kink Cole⭐🌹🍷

Missing you⭐🌹🍷

Wolf Drider Salem 🕷

Halloween 22' Reaper!Salem headcannons⭐🍷🔪

Consensual non-con roleplay⭐🌹🧨

Zero the wasp hybrid🐝

Alpha zero thirst🌹🍷⭐

Human!Zero x Wasp!reader🌹⭐🍷🔪

Zero steals you away from the Beemas⭐🧨🔪🌹

Zero's picnic date⭐

Noah The Leopard MerShark 🦈

Date sfw hcs⭐

Virgin to Pussy drunk 🌹⭐

Halloween 22' nekomata!Noah🌹🔪🧨

Prof. Sterling 👓

Nsfw/sfw hcs🌹🍷⭐

My dream

Dom Sterling⭐🌹🍷

Fucking in the classroom⭐🌹🍷

The boys

Cat boys (All)⭐

Halloween final threesome🐝 👓⭐��🧨🌹🍷

Boys and their scent (All)⭐

Bug boys take care of you when you're sick🐝🕷️⭐

Ro's Au hoard

Beehive Submas #BeeGearStation

Tarzan!ingo, #Tarzaningo

Bull farm Au #Bullfarmau

Anon submissions

More Omega!Melli 🌹

Bully Melli hours🌹

Voodoo Doll submas part 1 prt2🌹

Villain submas reaction to other hero ⭐

Random shit

Birds of paradise harpies bfs⭐

The Ring of Lovers (fan scp)⭐🔪🍷

Dol fav LI call Out Post lol⭐🌹🧨

[orangejuice707]

I have a feeling that Gilbert got bullied in his childhood more specifically chased with swords or smth dangerous like that . As in my this theory (og post was v's) I explained why he never rejected Clavis's bad cooking .

Now I am gonna connect it to Gilbert's character design

So we have all seen Gilbert wearing all black and covering almost ALL of his body including face (eyepatch!) . Could there be reasons for it other than character design?

Yes .

Scary appearance (more like "to appear" scary)

Covering body parts which are hurt in an attempt to hide scars and appear strong

Now if we say that the people who used to bully him left cuts and scratches on certain parts of his body including his eye . So basically

Him covering up his body can be an effect of bullying .

Reasons why he got bullied

• he was a weak kid (as I said in the linked theory abt his food habits)

Now let's talk abt canebert

Why not a sword? Why not a gun? Though I doubt that the stick is only a stick and not a covering for a gun .

But the question is

Why?

Why does he need to cover up such a dangerous artifact when it can scare anybody and let him get his way with them ?

Why not kill/beat people using a gun/sword ?

That's bcoz he knows

He knows how much it hurts. So he would rather beat up his opponent with a cane rather than beat them with smth more dangerous.

Why does he reads so many military based books when he can literally posses a gun kill off his opponents ?

(OK I might be bullshitting a bit here)

At times a legit article on the internet or a certain thing from a certain book can change our whole world and make us feel a type of way .

In this case .

Gilbert found comfort (a weird kind) in reading military books and possessing the knowledge. He didn't just wanted to be a weak victim of bullying . Rather he wanted to be stronger at least in one field (personal defense rather than military strength in this case)

Now .

Why is he trying so hard to be friends with mc and the other princes ?

Now before starting I wanna say that this is pretty far fetched so yeah.

What if the people who bullied him in his childhood were his own family members? Like idk anything abt gil's fam tbh (does any of us except cybird does tho???) .

He might be similar to the isekaid villainess we(or atleast I) often read abt in manhwas , etc.

Getting bullied by Palace staff

Getting bullied by family members

Almost losing their life

Forming new allies

(Falling in love)

I kept the last one in brackets bcoz that is not what we are gonna discuss here .

He tries hard to get along with people outside his hometown . Especially people who don't want to take advantage of him (like that one nobleman) bcoz in his past along with the bullying he probs faced issues with who took advantage of him .

So now since he is grown and healthy he is like "nope" and "gonna make my own friends found family" .

Now, why more specifically mc?

(Crack theory : bcoz it is Emma duhhh)

Ok now in all seriousness it is her bcoz she is given the role of belle

A very vital role in Rhodolite .

And the main requirement?

● pure heart

This . This is the exact reason as to why Gilbert would never not ask her to be his friend .

A pure person would never take advantage of anyone . This probably puts Gilbert at ease .

Now for another kinda bullshit like theory

What if he himself wants to destroy Obsidian and side with Rhodolite?

This is extremely weird so feel free to ignore this .

He once mentioned that he never took part in the war 10 years ago on Bloodstained Rose Day (i forgot the name so sorry if it is incorrect)

This can easily mean that he never wanted to go on a war with Rhodolite.

Now ik Luke's route kinda proves this to be wrong but what if whatever he did 10 years ago was bcoz he was being controlled by the king of Obsidian? Like idk lololololol

Anyways if u made it this far then here is a sword 🗡 for ya . Thank u for reading .

(Took me almost 1 hr to write lolol)

[marshmallowprotection]

Hey! Hey! I just read your answer to the writing reader x character fics ask and wanted to bonk you with a LOT OF APPRECIATION FOR CALLUNA!!

I'm so amazed by it still, it's so heartwarming that you've written something so beautiful inspired by one of my pieces and from where I'm currently at, the story, the plot, SAERAN, the MC/reader, every other character, they're all so on point. I just love it so much, your use of words is wonderful and the whole fic is incredible, I still cannot comprehend how good it is?? I can with no doubt say that you're currently my favourite MM writer out there, everything you come up with is just so incredibly well written and thought of. I've had to hold on giving any feedback till now because I wanted to finish reading it first before throwing all the love I have for it at you, since I'm currently just on chapter 11 because I was following it as it was getting published at first but then school got the better of me (since I always read fics at night and lately school has forced me to go to sleep way to early to do that, and I'm so deprived of fics oh my god), and as I'm only on chapter 11 I know that there's still a big storm coming because sadly someone happened to spoil something about the fic for me, but you bet I'm gonna throw even more love at you when school gives me time for that and you BET I'll be drawing some art for it too 😌💞 It's what you deserve

Also, the post itself really resonated with me, like the things you said about writing what makes you happy. It wasn't only relatable with me drawing things I enjoy, there's also the fact that I've been writing fics for myself lately. That writing has also kinda replaced my activity of reading them as much, but I really enjoy it! Idk why I never did it before honestly, but writing them just for myself is really...therapeutic in a way? There's no pressure of anyone judging you and you can do anything you've ever wanted, it's so comforting. I'm just not showing them to anyone because 1. I feel ashamed of them, I'm not the best writer but I find doing it fun 2. my headcanons are sometimes really different to others' and I sometimes feel bad for that or afraid of getting backlash/into arguments for my headcanons. But writing them is fun, and the same goes for you, I hope you continue to do what makes you happy! Though I do enjoy some good old reader x character fics, reading about Lila is also interesting and sometimes she sounds a lot like what Sunset would do so that's just a huge plus lolol

(also me 🤝 you

giving Saeran CMCs who like lolita fashion)

Pat yourself on the back! That Prince Ray art just lit a fire in me with an idea that was already in the back of my head for a while and it smacked me in the head the second that I saw that handsome boy. It was only the moment I saw a pretty boy in a crown. I am nothing but a simp.

That's the good thing about being in fandom. There are people in these places that make art inspired by writing or writing inspired by art. I love seeing that because it's a testament to the harmony in fandom and it is so easy to look to each other when we feel as if we're making an impact on everyone.

It just feels so good to create something from nothing, even if it's art or writing. The process is cathartic and we cannot deny making something makes us just feel accomplished! Your passion to your art is something that we all see and recognize! I'm glad to have been able to watch you progress with your art because you are very talented and you will only continue to better the more you have fun and practice.

Goodness Gracious, I don't know I'm prepared to see anything from the fic drawn out! I have all of these outfit references for Sparrow and for all of the other cast members in the story but I've not been able to flash them out myself. There's just something really sweet about the aesthetic that exists within fairytale AUs that I can't ignore. I am sorry to hear that someone spoiled you on one of the events in the story.

At least you don't know how it builds up or leads to that point in the story where the incident occurs. I've been spoiled in a few stories before and how I reason with myself is that: I don't know how we get to [Spoiler] and that means the full experience isn't robbed from me. I'm glad that you've enjoyed it! I put a lot of care into the story because it was such a great piece of art to work with.

I'm not ready, Seeme. Don't kill me. I don't think we can handle it. Prince Ray already kills me on sight.

Shfksnrowneoehe! Sunset is really cute. I always love seeing her on my Instagram or over here on DailySaeran. Her hair is really bouncy and sweet and it just makes me feel some kind of way. I just love frilly clothes and we need more cute MCs in big skirts. I'm very OC positive and I try to make sure that all kinds of people in this fandom know that they should shamelessly write what makes them happy.

I am glad to hear that you're exploring writing for the first time. I hope you know that you don't have to share with other people of you don't want to do that. You put your heart and soul into your writing even if there's spelling errors, translation errors, or what have you within the story, you put a piece of your heart into what you're writing. I say this with the utmost sincerity write for you and nobody else. Write what makes you happy no matter what anyone says.

I don't care if that means you're writing Self Insert Fics where you have cat ears, rainbow hair, or everyone loves you without question. Or If you're writing about an OC who loves without reason or can do "impossible" things without trouble. It's your story.

You create the canon. You create the universe. You put yourself into it. It is unashamedly you.

If it makes you happy, you write it. Put your heart into it. We put ourselves into the characters, not just our OCs. But, we put our soul into the cast of canon characters. So, just know that even if you do not share your writing, you should never feel like you have to share it for it to be proof of skill or talent. If anyone hits you with discourse if you do share it one day, let me know. I will mess them up with a Hello Kitty bat all the while wearing the cutest dress.

I've got a lot of Saeran x Reader story ideas, I'm gonna make a poll with my general ideas and let people vote on that later once I get home. It'll be a Google Form. I'll probably link it on my IG too. I hope you guys are interested in that! I hope that you're able to slow down and enjoy yourself soon here! I know that school must be really rough with everything right now. I gotta wish you luck with that.

Meanwhile, I gotta go smack myself or something, I admire you and here you are hitting me with the same thing. Djwkdhekdnodbeie

[itscookieoverlordtoyou]

40 Questions — Meme for Fic Writers

Don’t you sometimes see those ask games and wish you could just fkg do them all? On this sunny Saturday, we make our dreams reality lolol

1.  Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.

Short fic, I usually get a small scene I want written so I write around it, plus I love short stories with interesting punchline.

2.  Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

Probably, I don’t know them all ^^’

3.  Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

Writing about stuff that disgust me I guess.

4.  How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?

Like 5-6? I want to write about a restaurant but set in a world where people have powers I think the combo could be very funny. The main character has the power of insight, the plonge is a giant pool where you swim around cleaning. Backstories of characters with shitty and amazing powers and how they ended up here. Rival to lover character that has the power to see into the future.

5. Share one of your strengths.

Dialogues, subversion, and humor; classmates often said I have a touch to spin a sad story into something positive/happier.

6.  Share one of your weaknesses?

I get tired when I describe something for longer than 4 sentences.

7.  Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

“In what kind of trouble have we walked right into?”, I ask my companions as they’re idly fixing their attire. Together, we’ve face many perils and this mission ranks among one of the most dangerous. Yet, the others had been…how should I say it…professional! Rescuing kidnapped princesses, vanquishing terrifying monsters, quests to restore mythical artifacts, save nations from insidious plots. Oddly enough, “Does this dress make me look fat?”, is not the answer I’m looking for.

Ribbon in my hair is the first time I wrote about my knights, I first dreamt about them when I as 18, my boyfriend at the time called my idea stupid and my world building pointless so I only started writing about them when I was 21. Now I write about them a little bit every year :)

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

“Do you really want your last words to be complaints?”

“I die as I lived.”

“Will we become a fruit tree?”

“I don’t think so, it’s never been the case for my ancestors.”

“I’d love it if we could turn into a banana tree.”

“I’m not from the southern regions, plus I like apples more.”

“Just imagine, our fruits could have been banana flambée”

This death scene was a big finale to a story I wrote for a class in Uni, a story of war between clan of forest and volcano people, of the supposedly brutal death of a Goddess, of a mysterious apple tree whose fruit give vision of the past. I should revisit it.

9.  Which fic as been the hardest to write?

My analysis on D’Artagnan and the figure of the hero. Granted it’s an essay for school but I deeply loved it. I was too afraid to write or ask for help from the professor in charge of me (which made our relationship tense ^^’) but when I did, it was beautiful and I was very proud got 89% :D

10.  Which fic has been the easiest to write?

A play called Adelaide where an old couple reads their old fairytale book about a Prince on a quest to save a Princess. They bicker about the other misreading the story but we finally get to the part where the Prince tosses the princess apart to get a better view of the dragon of which he falls instantly in love. The book is actually their wedding album.

11.  Is writing your passion or just a fun hobby?

It’s one of my passions, but it’s not something I think I could live on so I delegated it to my hobby.

12.  Is there an episode above all others that inspires you just a little bit more?

The wedding scene in Shrek 2, my mind was blown when I saw it in theaters and when I need inspiration to write, I rewatch it.

13.  What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?

Presentation is important. If trying to read you gives people headaches, they’ll stop. Choose a nice big font, space with paragraphs, be mindful of your spelling and missing words. Read out loud because some things written are bad said.

14.  What’s the worst writing advice you’ve ever come across?

I must’ve been lucky in this regard, I don’t think I’ve ever received advice that made me go NO, but I did have to listen/read stuff that made me gag.

15.  If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?

I would love to the Adelaide acted out, some adjustments would be required because I’m no expert in play writing but I think I’d be great.

16.  If you only could write one pairing for the rest of your life, which pairing would it be?

Luyenor’a and Taram, names are placeholders as of now but they’re two of my knight, being the “only pairing I’m allow to write about forever” means I’d get more knight shenanigans done.

17.  Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

I’m doing bullets point of what I want to happen and write stuff without much order. Some days I have no inspirations for what goes in the beginning but have loads for a later point. I surf the wave when it presents itself.

18.  Do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines?

Word on my computer, a notebook in my bag, the note app in my phone.

19. Stephen King once said that his muse is a man who lives in the basement. Do you have a muse?

I have little trinkets all around my computer to invite inspiration.

20. Describe your perfect writing conditions.

Freshly woken up, having eaten, drinking something sugary and sometimes apple cider because the alcohol help lower my inhibition.

21.  How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

I read out loud at least once the whole thing, helps with missing words but dude I reread my stuff on ao3 and always find mistakes still ^^’

22. Choose a passage from one of your earlier fics and edit it into your current writing style. (Person sending the ask is free to make suggestions).

I’m not going to put here because it’s in French and I don’t want to translate now but I wrote Vision of a world, mine when I was 16 and damn was I already depressed then?

23.  If you were to revise one of your older fics from start to finish, which would it be and why?

The Princess and the Soldier, some gay fairytale I think my first one, I’m sure I can do better bow

I also have one about a janitor and it’s a murder mystery I could redo

24. Have you ever deleted one of your published fics?

Once by accident, I was so angry I never rewrote it.

25.  What do you look for in a beta?

I don’t really use beta (beta reader right?) but I guess I’ve had like 3-4 when I was in Uni and had to read people’s wip and they read mine. They’d talk about what they liked, links they noticed, things that seemed weak or to change

26.  Do you beta yourself? If so, what kind of beta are you?

I usually just point out the stuff I like

27.  How do you feel about collaborations?

For a class in college, we had to act out a play we wrote collectively. Ten sketches written in pairs/alone. I made sure I was alone so I wouldn’t be saddled with someone else to write my sketch

28. Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

I don’t follow fic writers; I just am in a mood for a ship and read what’s available. I do like my friend @alumort ‘s fics tho ^^

29.  If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

There was a Phineas and Ferb fic focused on Perry I really loved. Their world building was something I’d never seen and they abandoned the story, so I did fanfic of a fic. Never dared to post it anywhere I mean it was their world to begin with.

30.  Do you accept prompts?

Of course, when inspiration is given I accept

31.  Do you take liberties with canon or are you very strict about your fic being canon compliant?

I don’t care about canon but I do love using it when there are little trivia to enrich the character.

32.  How do you feel about smut?

Love to read it sometimes, would love to write it. Some I’m like………….youveneverhadsexhaveyou…………………

33.  How do you feel about crack?

Love it!!!!!!!! I’m too self-conscious to write it tho. Oh maybe that could be a never before written trope I could try?

34.  What are your thoughts on non-con and dub-con?

Rape I can’t, dub-con where underlying requited feelings exist but anxiety™ don’t let the characters express them but they’re drunk so it surfaces is okay

35.  Would you ever kill off a canon character?

Hell yeah! I do when/if the death makes sense (I am still pissed at Kishi for Neji)

36.  Which is your favorite site to post fic?

Ao3 is where I post,I used devianart when I had one

37.  Talk about your current wips.

Marry Me for the Love of Cake: God I’m so sorry to the few people who followed it, I said I’d pick it up before the end of 2019 and well……I have the ending in bullet points

Yours, with Love: I hope I’ll finish it…I have most of the ending in bullet points

I guess I’m into rom com at the moment lolol

38.  Talk about a review that made your day.

I made my best friend read All this for a Roll Cake, and she laughed so much at my work, I took a picture I look at from time to time to remain humble.

39.  Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them?

Thankfully I’ve never received a rude review. My professor once told me it seemed kinda unnatural how unlucky my protagonist was vs. how lucky his love interest was (All this for a Roll Cake) but that was the whole point of the story so I just ignored her.

40.  Write an alternative ending to [insert fic title] (or just the summary of one).

Writing this I realised I lost my final version of All this for a Roll Cake T^T so I guess I’d rewrite the ending I have of the before the last version I still have.

Well this was fun ^^ got to revisit my works and remember many beloved pieces of fiction I wrote, I look forward to my next projects

[clotpolesonly]

somnicht replied to your post “queenofbooknerds replied to your post “dnd is so fucking complicated...”

I would recommend having a physical copy of ur character sheet and annotating the fuck outta it. Highlighters, post it notes, wtvr u have to do. Its how I play lolol.

i’m definitely gonna have the sheet on hand, plus my gdoc of links and screenshots for reference. (how i’m gonna organize that gdoc is still up in the air, considering everything affects each other so discrete sections won’t do me much good....) my sheet usually goes in a plastic sleeve too, and i have dry erase markers to note temporary buff spells and such, so i don’t have to erase stuff and write it over and over again. my spells will be listed on my sheet and also written out in detail with all relevant numbers (hopefully) in my notebook for quick reference.

i’m making an effort toward actually getting things right this time, because the campaign i’m about finished with now (my first) was kind of a MESS, lmao. i handwaved so much (i have absolutely zero faith that my skill ranks were done correctly, i fucked those up so bad) and just completely missed other concepts (feats? what are feats? i think i was supposed to pick an archetype of something and just did not?? who needs money when you can just never write anything down and then make up a number later??? spell slots WHO, we don’t know her).

so i’m doing all the reading this time and trying to keep track of it. i’m gonna pay attention to my spell slots and how many of what i can do per day. i’ve somehow ended up with like 9 spell-like abilities with various daily usages. my Cha ability score grants me extra spell slots which i did not know last time around, same with Int and languages. feats every odd level PLUS bloodline feats when designated, i will NOT forget them this time. favored class bonus gives me extra spells. gonna remember that i have magical tattoos (once i figure out how those work) and that they....do things that i should remember.

ignore me rambling in your direction slkdfjhg, i just keep going over the lists in my head in hopes of my goldfish memory actually retaining them this time around

[somethinglacking]

Shooting For Stars: Chapter 1

Summary: 

Hyuna Lee just started college, and while procrastinating decided to give a popular MMO called LOLOL a try. Here she will meet new friends, battle monsters, part takes in epic quests, and potentially find love!

Most of this will take place in LOLOL at the beginning.

This takes place a year/ year and a half after Seven's good end, and the secret endings. Yoosung x OC

**Update's once a week**

Smut in later chapters, of course ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ Hyuna groaned as she sat staring at her computer. Her assignment was to draw something that inspires you, some sort of introductory assignment for the Professor to get to know her small class of Art Student Misfits. Nothing seemed to inspire her as of late, and no matter what she did manage to sketch out onto screen seemed to call her out: The Un-Inspired Art Student with no muse or motivation. Her fingers ran the length of her caramel brown locks, and her nails lightly scratched her scalp trying to ease her growing frustrations. Hazel glared at the taunting screen before her, daring it to keep on challenging her. 

After what seemed like an eternity, the artist sighed in defeat. Nothing was coming to her, and the lines she had managed to get down didn’t seem to be coming together as anything. Annoyed with herself and lack of a muse, she set her tablet to the side and opened her social media. Not much was going on, and she didn’t really have any friends anymore. Her sister posted a photo of her and her little class of second graders. They were cute and her sister looked happy. Smiling at the photo she offered it a thumbs up. 

When she was done scrolling her newsfeed she opened boogle. Bored she searched for fun things to do on the internet. The search results varied in interest, but an ad on the web page she was on showed a popular MMO and a free trial. Curious she clicked it and went to the homepage of the game. She read of the spec’s and nodded noting it would work on her pc. She clicked the download icon and downloaded it. 

Hazel eyes read every bit of detail the game had to offer her as it booted up the character creator. Feeling a little nervous, having never played an MMO before and unsure if she’d actually like being in contact with actual people. Logically she knew she could just play solo and ignore the events, or even delete her entire account after the free trial ran out and simply say she tried it. Biting a plump bottom lip she was greeted with page after several final updates. 

First, she selected her gender debating on being a boy, but ultimately settled for female solely because she knew their armor would be cuter the further she got into the game. She clicked through the races and settled on an elf. She smiled customizing the hairstyle and making the hair a lovely hue of blue. The eyes matched her avatar's hair. Hyuna chooses the least appalling beginner to wear praying she would be able to get something that wasn’t such an eyesore to wear easily. Overall the artist was pleased with the look of her new online persona and moved onto the next page.

Here she had to choose a username. Chewing on her lip she knew she go to Sapphire would be already taken in such a massive game, but gave it a go anyway. Slightly disappointed when it was already taken she contemplated what to use. She typed in several weird spelling of the name before Sapfyre worked. Making a surprised and pleased noise, she made haste to click the arrow button that would take her into the game. 

The screen loaded and she took her time going through the tutorial and getting the hang of the world, and command functions. Hyuna watched as her pretty avatar moved about doing little missions and basically busy work with prompt boxes explaining the gameplay.

 Soon enough she had completed her ‘training’ and was warped to a busy square full of other players. Hyuna blushed feeling slightly overwhelmed by the sheer number of avatars on the screen. She had picked one of the busier servers, but she hadn’t imagined it’d be this popular. Chewing her lip she ran around getting used to the shops and how the currency worked. Hazel eyes scanned the screen and took notice of where the world chat was, besides it was a little icon that lights up red with a little 1 beside it. Curious she clicked it and noticed it was the private messaging system. 

SupermanYoosung★: Hey you look lost ^^ SupermanYoosung★: You must be new! SupermanYoosung★: If you want help doing some quest or anything let me know. Hyuna tapped the pads of her fingers against her lips reading the message over and over again honestly wanting to take them up on their offer. Yet, she also felt rather shy about it too, it was strange. It wasn’t like it was a real interaction with someone, just two gamer bros going on a digital epic quest, so to speak. That being said, the artist wasn’t really a people person. Taking a moment to think about the other player's offer she opened the tab at the top that showed the servers rankings and who was online at the moment. Hazel went wide as she stared at the first couple name’s noticing the friendly strangers rank. They where rank number 2, basically LOLOL royalty. Hyuna let out a girlish giggle in disbelief. She clicked back onto her private messages and re-read the person’s name. It was for sure rank #2 SupermanYoosung. Before her brain could catch up to her fingers the typed with speed across her keyboard. 

Sapfyre: Oh wow! Sapfyre: I just check up on you, and it says your rank #2 ^^; Sapfyre: You must have better things to do than help a little noob like myself!

Before she knew it an impressive tank build avatar ran towards her. Hyuna bumped her forehead lightly with her fist watching as he positioned himself next to her Hobo of an Elf avatar. What a contrast that was to behold. However, if he did have time to waste with her, she almost wanted to beg him to help her get something more suitable for her avatar to wear. Something less beggar and painstakingly noob. 

SupermanYoosung★: Hahaha Yup! That’s me, I’m pretty awesome, huh? 

Hyuna couldn’t help but roll her eyes as a smile played at the edge of her mouth.

SupermanYoosung★: I’m also pretty free at the moment. I have no issue bussing you through some dungeons and helping you get some decent equipment.  SupermanYoosung★: Plus once you get passed level 20 you can join guilds! SupermanYoosung★: If you want, I can invite you to mine, haha!

This person seemed pretty nice and welcoming, Hyuna mused smiling to herself. She didn’t want to get his hopes up, nonetheless. Still unsure if she wanted to pay for the month to month subscription, or would even bother logging in again once she decided she had procrastinated enough for the evening and got back to her assignment. Best to play it coy. 

Sapfyre: Well alright then!  Sapfyre: Lolol can you add me to the party, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing  SupermanYoosung★: Oh! Sure thing!

The notification of a party invitation popped up. Hyuna clicked it and accepted. Soon there was an Icon over the two opposing in style avatars linking them together. 

Sapfyre: Wow they really go out and show you who you're with, huh? Sapfyre: We should get out of the public eye, haha… Someone like you hanging out with a LOLOL hobo can’t be good for the reputation! ^^ SupermanYoosung★: lol naw, it’s fine, I’m buying potions. I’ve got a feeling you’re gonna need them at the start ^^ SupermanYoosung★: I know just the Dungeon that shares exp! It’s pretty high rank, but I can handle the monsters myself. You can just sit back and enjoy the show! Cheer for me too! Sapfyre: I might be a noob, but I do freelance as a cheerleader on the side Sapfyre: It’s not much, but it’s honest work~ Sapfyre: Go! Yoosung! GO!  SupermanYoosung★: Haha! I didn’t expect you to actually cheer for me >_< SupermanYoosung★: Now I definitely have to help you get to at least level 20!

Hyuna’s character automatically followed the party leader’s avatar about the busy town square. There was an option to turn it off, but she didn’t feel like it. It was fun watching the two of them run around side by side as this Yoosung got the supplies she would most likely need to brave the dungeon. The artist clicked on her avatar and gasped in surprise. 

Sapfyre: There are little social action commands! Sapfyre: Ooooh~ 

She made her Elf do a little tribal type dance around Yoosung. She giggled as he made his brolly tank dance with her in the middle of the square. That was cute! 

SupermanYoosung★: Hahaha >_< SupermanYoosung★: They do! And some of the actions are special to race, gender, and class. SupermanYoosung★: Oh! You get to pick a class at level 10 SupermanYoosung★: Any ideas on a build you want to make? Sapfyre: Thank you for the dance Monsieur~ Sapfyre: I dunno what build to make??? Sapfyre: I guess I want something ranged so I can hang back. 

A box popped up on the screen declaring that SupermanYoosung would like to item share with her. Hyuna clicked yes and his inventory opened along with her own. She flushed when she saw all the cool things he was carrying and how she only held a level 2 stick from one of her tutorial missions at the beginning. She watched as Yoosung threw 99 potions, and 99 mana restore potions at her along with a level 2 wooden helm. She giggled equipping it to her Elf. 

Sapfyre: Now my look is finally complete. What a sexy helm! SupermanYoosung★: lololol, sooo sexy~ SupermanYoosung★: Back on the topic of builds SupermanYoosung★: Ever consider being a support healer? SupermanYoosung★: It’s sooo hard to find a decent one D:

Sapfyre: I dunno if I’d make a good support ^^; Sapfyre: If they are hard to find there must be a reason right?

SupermanYoosung★: They just don’t know how to build themselves, and/or try to fight when the tanks have the situation covered and die, SupermanYoosung★: I never built a healer before, but I do know a few things. I could help you if you want?

Sapfyre: Welllllllll Sapfyre: Sure why not~~! Sapfyre: Since you’re helping me out so much already, I don’t mind trying to be a healer for you.

SupermanYoosung★: Thank you! SupermanYoosung★: Rest of the guild will be so jealous when I show off my own personal little healer~ haha~

Sapfyre: >_< lololol I’m shy~

Hyuna bit her lip re-reading the messages. It almost felt like this guy or girl or whatever they are was flirting with her. They couldn’t possibly know she was a girl. She assumed many male players would make a female avatar, let's be honest, the higher rank armor leaves little to the imagination. She wrote off the interaction as this Yoosung being friendly and excited to help her create a healer support he seemed to need desperately. 

SupermanYoosung★: Haha that’s okay! SupermanYoosung★: Do you have a headset, it’s easier to chat that way while in dungeons.

The artist flushed again at the thought of letting a stranger hear her voice. She could see why it would be more convenient. Seeing as she had never played an online game, and preferred solo JRPG’s or Horror survival-

Sapfyre: I never required a headset before

SupermanYoosung★: It’s okay, it just means we are gonna crawl dungeons a bit slower since we’ll have to type to one another. 

Sapfyre: ^^; I’ll look into investing in one in the future. Sapfyre: I’m on a college student allowance, it’ll have to be a cheap one.

SupermanYoosung★: Haha, I’m a student too. I get what you mean. SupermanYoosung★: No shame in having an off-brand HS since you’re just starting SupermanYoosung★: I’m gonna teleport us to a level 30 dungeon. Keep your guard up

Sapfyre: Sure thing ^^

They were off, the screen turned into a load for a moment before both of them spawned in a dungeon. The artist smiled as she watched the other player navigate the surrounding area. She was careful to fall back when zombie looking monstered spawned and swarmed them. All level 30, which made sense, Yoosung had stated it was a high-rank dungeon. Turns out level grind was a bit of a grind, even for beginners. Luckily it was a shared exp dungeon and since there were only two of them in the party it got split in half. Slowly where minimal communication since she lacked a headset they crawled through the Dungeon. Yoosung was kind enough to allow her to loot the corpses and the treasure chests. 

They had even run into some other players who would say hello to Yoosung via the world chat. They had custom speech bubbles, and Hyuna was interested in obtaining some of her own. It was impressive how immersive this game was. You could build sperate skills like smithing, mining, fishing, cooking, act. It was super customizable. Yoosung had rattled off about how there was an event boss just recently and the cool stuff he got for himself. Hyuna smiled, sometimes even giggling to herself as she read Yoosung’s messages. 

Even though she had gotten some pretty decent armor and weapon’s they couldn’t be equipped before she was level 30. It was probably a power scale to disallow players to equip armor so far above themselves early. Yoosung assured her in a few sessions he would have her beefed up and ready to stand on her own in no time. Hyuna despite herself agreed to meet up tomorrow evening and found herself genuinely enjoying the game. Maybe she was just enjoying Yoosung’s company, who knew. 

Once they finished the dungeon, Yoosung warped them back into the town square and sent her a friend request. Hyuna didn’t even think twice as she accepted it. 

SupermanYoosung★: This way we will get notifications when either of us logs on, and it even shows where we are on the map.  SupermanYoosung★: I’m gonna be on a little while longer, you good?

Hyuna looked at the clock and gasped blinking, unbelieving what she was thinking. Had she really wasted three hours? Was it really 1 am?

Sapfyre: OMFG!!!! It’s 1 am!!! I have an assignment due tomorrow morning! SupermanYoosung★: It’s 1 am for me too, we must be pretty close. Lolol SupermanYoosung★: You should go get the project done SupermanYoosung★: Guess I’ll see you tomorrow~ ^^

Sapfyre: Ya tomorrow! I’ll be off! Sapfyre: Enjoy ruling the online virtual world!

With that Hyuna was quick to log off and sighed to herself. It had only meant to be an hour break, and somehow she got so caught up in it she was looking at either failing her first assignment or not sleeping. Looking at the clock she grabbed her a tablet and the pen and looked at whatever these lines she had drawn were suppose to be. Deciding to delete all the progress she had apparently made, she settled herself in for a long night of drawing her assignment for her 8 am class. 

[mcwriting]

starstruck (2)

Heyyyyyy so I stuck to my word lol.

I’m basically unable to function after seeing far from home this evening but also it was so good. I teared up when tom did and my mom made fun of me but its okay because his acting was awesome! Highly recommend y’all see it (even tho ik you probably will if you haven’t already lol)

Ps this is my first time linking one post to another so please lmk if it doesn’t work, but if it’s not, you’ll always be able to access this through my starstruck tag!

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10

Fandom: Tommo Holland

Ship: Tom Holland x Reader eventually

Setting: LA

Word Count: 1386 (lol it’s shorter this time srry)

Warnings: i actually don’t think there’s any here, but lmk if there should be

Rating: K+ still

Background: part 2 of my DCOM inspired fic

B/f/n: your best friend’s name

                             __________________________________

Previously on starstruck...

The faint remains of his cologne wafted to your nose and you couldn’t help but breathe it in. You relaxed further into his grip and stayed comfortable until you heard a buzz on the table next to you.

You decided to ignore it until it happened two more times. Finally, you decided to wiggle out of Tom’s grip and succeeded without waking him. You picked up the cell and noticed it was 10 a.m. and all three texts were from b/f/n

Hey I’m coming over

I’ll bring ice cream since you said you weren’t doing too hot yesterday 

I’m on my way

“No. No, no, nonoNO,” you exclaimed, getting louder and louder, causing Tom to sleepily ask,

“Could you keep it down, darling?” 

“No, I can’t ‘keep it down,’ Thomas, because b/f/n is ON HER WAY HERE!”

“What!?” 

He sat up fully awake.

“We have to get you out of here without her seeing, and she’s probably gonna be here in like 5 minutes.”

Tom rushed to get up and find his keys that were in the pocket of his discarded jacket while you hurried to brush your hair and take a makeup wipe to your face.

You clambered down the stairs and hurried Tom through the kitchen and into the laundry room when you heard the doorbell ring, and when you didn’t answer in apt time, it began ringing like crazy.

Panic stuck your chest and you looked at Tom.

“Open the garage and leave in 5 minutes, then text me so I can close it.�� You commanded, beginning to walk towards the entryway.

“Wait, wait,” he grabbed your arm, “I don’t have your number!”

You scrawled it down on a sticky note and ran, hoping he would get out safely and quickly. You opened the door to find b/f/n holding two pints of ice cream, raspberry sorbet for you and coffee ice cream for herself.

“My gosh what took you so long? I about started searching for the spare key with all these goods melting.”

You were about to reply when the door between the garage and utility room shut loudly. 

“Uh, who was that?” she asked, knowing your parents were at work.

“Oh, uh, a friend from dance. We’re working on a piece together and we decided to talk about it last night since I hurt my head,” you lied.

B/f/n furrowed her brows for a second before letting it go and coming inside to set up your typical movie day in the living room. Meanwhile, you headed back to the kitchen to grab spoons and check your phone, where a new number had sent a message. 

I’m out so you’re good to close the door. Thanks again for the great night ;)

You smiled and sent back 

That makes it sound soooo much worse than what really happened haha. You made it out without suspicion too :)

You decided to put his number in as a contact, disguising him as “Clara Twinkletoes” after a joke made late into the previous night, then headed to the living room.

                             __________________________________

After finishing one movie and your separate ice creams, you both decided to take a break and were looking at your phones.

“Hey, I know you hate talking about Tom Holland,” you gave a side-eyed glance to the bringing up of his name, “but guess what? He liked my picture last night! I just remembered to tell you!” 

B/f/n held up her phone to show you the notification, then went back to staring at it excitedly. 

“That’s actually really cool. I’m happy for you,” you expressed, leaving out the fact that you had asked Tom to like it when you were talking about the post at 1 a.m.

A few minutes later, b/f/n breathed out a soft “woah.”

You looked at her in confusion.

“Y/n, look at this girl Tom was photographed with yesterday, she looks like your twin!”

Dread filled your stomach as you stared at the picture of you and Tom in his black Audi A8, that stupid ballet skirt wrapping your head.

“Yeah, maybe if I took ride alongs with celebrities and wore nineteen fifties headscarves,” you quipped, “you only think that girl looks like me because you want it to be me, b/f/n.”

“Hmm, I guess…” she trailed, taking back her phone to continue scrolling through Instagram.

Not long after, you got a text from Clara twinkletoes.

Have you seen the picture??? I’m getting tagged and you are too

Like… everyone thinks that girl is you

Psh as if. We can talk about it later, I’m busy with my gal pal

Fine. Also, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me to the beach tomorrow? I wanna talk about all this in person

Hmm. Maybe. Probably not ;) 

“Hey, b/f/n?” You asked tentatively.

“Yeah?”

“Is it cool if you don’t spend the night tonight? I need to go to dance early tomorrow since I took the day off and I’ve also got this head injury so…” 

it wasn’t a complete lie. You did have a head injury and your plan was to go to dance at some point, but you decided to leave out the part where you might actually go hang out with hot shot Holland.

“Oh, uh yeah, sure. My sister is coming into town this week so it’s probably for the best, you know how my mom is about cleaning the house and stuff,” she said, obviously trying to hide her disappointment.

Around 4 pm, she got up to leave. You had watched two more movies and eaten plenty more snacks throughout the afternoon. 

“I guess I’ll see you later, y/n. Hope you’re feeling better tomorrow,” she smiled. 

You returned the gesture and gave her a hug, then watched from the doorstep as she mounted her bike and rode off to her house only a few neighborhoods away, you feeling queasy about lying so much.

                            __________________________________

You headed upstairs after a light dinner and some TV. It was only about 8 o’clock, but the combination of a head injury, late night, and slight emotional distress (from lying to b/f/n) made you feel exhausted, not to mention you would be waking early the next day. 

You changed into sweats and flopped into bed, checking your social media for a little bit to wind down. 

Your snapchat was just pictures from friends, only a couple of them joking to you about the whole Tom Holland situation (but of course none of them knew the truth)

Twitter and Instagram, however, were a different story. After the premiere, you had chosen to turn off notifications and were especially happy to know it was the right choice. 

On Twitter, fan accounts and other people were replying to a joking tweet you had made days before the premiere in reply to b/f/n where you said “Why be friends with that tom holland guy when you could hang out with your superior best friend hmmmm?? He’s lame compared to me lolol” 

People were going nuts about it, divided over whether you were just messing around or if you really didn’t like him. Most of them chose the former, though you knew you had meant the latter. Other people were tweeting about you separately and debating about that picture from the day before.

You almost deleted your Twitter in a rash decision but realized how suspicious that could look and instead closed it and moved to instagram.

It too was overflowing with tags and comments and follows and likes. Your stomach churned as you realized how big this was becoming. Finally you made the choice to meet Tom tomorrow, even if it risked being caught again. You sent him a single text to let it be known:

Alright twinkletoes. Let’s go to the beach.

You figured you could reply to whatever he sent in the morning and put your phone on do not disturb before plugging it in and checking the alarm.

You snuggled into the sheets and buried your head into a pillow. A sweet and musky scent drifted into your nose and you took a deep breath. 

Tom’s cologne

You sat up, sniffing around the sheets, pillows, and covers, realizing he had left his scent everywhere. 

“I need to wash these sheets tomorrow” you breathed to yourself in an annoyed tone. 

With that you laid back down, glad that b/f/n wasn’t there to ask whose scent was all over your bed. Though you tried to convince yourself that you wanted the smell gone, had anyone been watching, they couldn’t deny the way you sunk into the bed and the faint smile that made its way to your lips as you drifted into slumber.

                            __________________________________

A/N: there’s chapter 2!! Hope you guys enjoy. I don’t think I’ll post 3 until this weekend but who even knows haha. Love y’all and am so happy to have your support!

Tag List: @marvel-lously

[wildcard47]

can you please explain who Quitoyok is referring to in your fic 'you can have it all'? I think it might be Goodsir but honestly have no idea. Thanks!

Hi! Great question - I know exactly who it is (James), but forgot how I made that Important Authorly Choice while writing the story, lol. 

Went back to the fic hoping I had put the explanation directly in the footnotes, but since I didn’t, I had to reconstruct the thought process/my research sources.

Long answer below, if y’all are interested:

1) The purpose of this scene at the end of Chapter 3 was basically to show how inept Snow was as a researcher, plus general white people ignorance of indigenous cultures, lolol. So a couple of the words as they appear in the dialogue are mispronounced/aren’t quite a 1:1 match with the literal Inuktitut translation. (See #4.)

2) In this scene, there are several callbacks to official Inuit testimony re: contact with expedition survivors. When you look over the oral histories, various Inuit folks had specific nicknames for the individual white men/Franklin survivors they encountered (example here), but it’s not super clear who these dudes were/what their roles had been on the ships. This is probably when I first found the name Qoitoyok. 

By the way, the literal meaning of Qoitoyok is “he who pisses a lot” or “he who goes to the bathroom a lot.” 

Excerpt from one source:

“…According to our ancestors there had been quite a few white men. I don’t know how many but there was… a person who was talked about a lot, who was superior. Inuit called him in Inuktitut “Qoitoyok” – “the one who goes to the bathroom a lot,” an older man called Qoitoyok – “he who goes to the bathroom a lot.” Even though this person was an adult, he was known to pee in his bed at night. That`s just the way he was.”

Hence the reason all the Inuit folks in the story kept smirking whenever Snow started blabbering on about how manly and impressive that guy must have been. 😂Snow enthusing to Lady Jane about this in the story, all, “yes, they all just really liked him! they laughed every time I praised his stoic British leadership qualities!” never fails to make me snort.

Don’t know who Qoitoyok was IRL, but I thought the name was a good fit for James in this story, bc our James would have lacked the fancy coat/boots/flamboyant personality traits which would have been prime nickname fodder for him at any other time. The group’s first impression of him would have been when he was near death, so James would have looked a) old and beat-up, b) probably wouldn’t have much cause to interact with anyone beyond sleeping/eating/needing intensive medical care, and c) may not have spent enough time with that particular Inuit person/that specific nation band to get a better nickname.

3) In my head, Crozier and James traveled together once they linked back up, post-mutiny. (The general idea was that James survived through ep. 9 and lead some of the original group back to rescue Francis from Hickey, injuring them and himself even more in the process/accidentally splintering the remaining survivors into tiny leaderless factions.) That’s probably where Edward and Dundy’s group tried to go forward without their captains, eventually meeting the same end as they did in the show.

Similarly, I imagined Goodsir escaping/surviving with Silna sometime after the mutiny. My thought was that she took him back to her village or Fort Resolute or something before being cast out/meeting up with Francis and James later? Hence why Francis and James didn’t know what had happened to him in the end?? Plot hole!

4) I did not want Crozier to automatically have the nickname Aglooka, so I substituted in the shamanic nickname he’s given at the end of the book The Terror. Taliriktug means “strong arm.” In this case Crozier didn’t lose his arm, but was just wrecked/injured when he showed up dragging a still-gigantically-tall James on a sled. Could totally imagine the Inuit folks who saw them being like “strong guy! huge friend!” and running with it.

IIRC, when the name Aglooka comes up in the Jane/Snow/Sophia conversation, it’s supposed to be a false lead/conflicting testimony from somebody in Igloolik who knew Crozier as middle-aged white leader in a blue coat vs. Crozier the stubborn long walk survivor. Easy for Lady Jane to think Aglooka could have been Sir John. Plus Snow likely didn’t give a shit about accuracy/just wanted to get paid and was like “yep, my guy described him as a middle aged captain, it’s definitely your husband!”

5) As you see, Inuit culture loves nicknames, to the point where your nickname often supercedes whatever your given name is or was. This gives you an idea of how specific/funny the nicknames can be, if anyone wants others for future reference. I 100% wanted to use the term for “Small Buttocked One,” but just couldn’t make it work in this fic.

tl;dr  Quitoyok is James, this was a reference to him being ill/rehydrating/recovering from scurvy, I thought it was secretly hilarious and I wish I’d documented the research process a bit better.

[glowystudies]

FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL SURVIVAL GUIDE

hiya folks! it’s been a hot second since i’ve used this blog, and i don’t know if any of you guys remember me but i’ll just re-introduce myself: my name is esther, i’m a rising junior, and my passions involve writing, the visual arts, the liberal arts, and social justice! i love tea, books, and nineties movies. :)

ok, now moving on: this is a whole post with advice for incoming high school freshman. throughout my two years of high school, i’ve picked up some pretty valuable tips i think i’d like to share with you. i’ve split up advice into three categories: academics/extracurriculars, productivity/organization, and mental/social health! some of these categories might intersect each other, sorry about that. let’s begin!

1. PRODUCTIVITY/ORGANIZATION

HONE YOUR WORK HABITS NOW (use your summer wisely!)

what i mean by this is that when i was in middle school, i thought that i didn’t have to try that hard and i could just channel all of my power into high school. this isn’t the case, you need to start building up good habits early on! if you have/had this mindset, try to use summer as a way to start helping yourself. you got this! (this doesn’t mean you’re inferior/high school will be hard, it’s just helpful to have good habits) iif not, and you’re already a great student good job!

GET AN ORGANIZATION SYSTEM

buy your folders/binders/notebooks and formulate a good system! what’s most helpful for me and a few other people i know is carrying notebooks and materials in an accordion folder and only keeping relevant work in your backpack. keeping binders at home for each subject to file after every week is really helpful in conjunction with this.

USE APPS/GOOGLE CALENDAR!

apps such as Forest, Momentum, and Google Calendar really help with organization! Google Calendar, especially, is a great tool to organize your events on the go.

TRY NOT TO PROCRASTINATE/KEEP A PLANNER

write down assignments and tasks in a planner right away! this will make you less stressed. refer to your planner often so that you remember what you have to do.

POMODORO TECHNIQUE

not freshman specific, but this study technique really helps, and since workload will intensify it’s important to find a good study technique!

https://francescocirillo.com/pages/pomodoro-technique

2. ACADEMICS/EXTRACURRICULARS

IT’S OKAY (GOOD, EVEN) TO ASK FOR HELP

usually, people are willing to help you if you have problems with your schoolwork. if you have a question in class, ask it right away: don’t worry about other people questioning you/making fun of you because they think it’s a stupid question! even if they think that, their opinions don’t matter and you should prioritize yourself/ your education over their ignorance. if you don’t understand it in class, it’ll be much harder to understand at home.

JOIN THINGS! GET INVOLVED! (BUT NOT TOO INVOLVED)

don’t make the mistake of joining too many clubs (me in freshman year haha)! join only things that you’re genuinely interested and passionate about/have past experiences in. sports and clubs are a really good way to make new friends as well. organizations such as speech and debate, MUN, academic decathlon, science olympiad, etc are pretty time consuming but really enrich your experience + since you spend a lot of time with your team you form a good bond!

DON’T WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE’S EXPECTATIONS/EXPLORE THINGS

i’m sure many of you have people pushing you towards STEM jobs and occupations. if you really love STEM, that’s great! science and math are interesting subjects and i really appreciate them. however, i’m definitely a humanities/art-based girl and if you relate, you might feel boxed in by others’ expectations. however, high school is really a time where you grow and make your own decisions. i’m not telling you to go off the rails, but you’re practically almost an adult (soon lolol) and you should do things that you want and like!)

KEEP TRACK OF YOUR GRADES AND TEACHERS

have a good relationship with your teachers! they’ll help you in the long run! and always check your grades because there’s been so many incidents where teachers have screwed up in entering things.

in the beginning of the semester, make a list of your target grades and what you have to do to achieve them. keep the paper you make your list on somewhere around your desk to motivate you. this works with other things/goals too!

ORGANIZATION PART TWO

keep a homework folder! used in conjunction with your planner it’ll keep you clear on what you have to get done. you can also use this is your turn-in folder. also, you should definitely determine what your learning style/meyer’s brigg personality is so that you can make things accordingly (ie, audio learners can make flash-cards to study, writing-oriented learners can have several notebooks, etc)

Meyer’s Brigg: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Learning Style: http://www.educationplanner.org/students/self-assessments/learning-styles-quiz.shtml

APPLY TO THINGS IN THE SUMMER

i know i’m getting ahead of myself, since this post is about starting freshman year, but think about it: there are only three summers in high school, and you should do each to do something that you’re passionate about/explore a field that you’re interested in :) so here is, for future reference, a list of cool summer camps and such! if money is a problem, that’s fine! you can always do other things like read, enter online competitions, start a club, etc. as long as you’re busy and doing things you love there’s no problem.

https://cty.jhu.edu/imagine/resources/summer_programs/index.html

3. SOCIAL/MENTAL HEALTH

MAKE FRIENDS! I KNOW IT’S HARD BUT!

yoooooo i know for sure that freshman year was hard for me because i was new to the school and area and because i didn’t have many friends, but luckily at the end of sophomore year i’ve surrounded myself with some phenomenal, creative people and feel much happier and hopeful. reach out to people! you never know what their response will be and it never hurts to try. you could be friends with the most unlikely people (as i am now)! reach out to classmates in clubs and in your class and just radiate positive energy. of course, i do understand that mental illness/other circumstances may make this hard from first-hand experience. in this case, making friends through classes and organizations where people spend a lot of time together is good. however, you deserve people who make you happy!

DON’T FOLLOW THE CROWD.

social status is a myth. don’t worry about popularity! do what feels right (unless it’s … like… weed or smth idk,.. :-))))) )! be yourself and you’ll always find understanding people who accept you for who you are. this really troubled me because i wear hecking funky outfits and i was always scared of being too much, but now i literally just wear anything i want hahahah. and the thing is, people have been really accepting and nice and now i’m lowkey known as the girl with cool outfits! which is a nice title to have!

GIVE YOURSELF SPACE / ADJUSTING TO FAILURE

i (lmao) experienced some of my first instances of ‘failure’ in high school and gave myself a really hard time over it. don’t be negative or self-accusing if you ‘fail.’ remind yourself how insignificant the thing you failed is: in the scope of life, the planet, the universe. then take a deep breath, analyze what you did wrong, and see how you can solve it. give yourself some time to heal, drink some tea, wear a face mask, etc. your mental health is so important, don’t lose yourself to one bad grade because you are so much more.

TAKING CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

this one’s really hard! but for me, when i’m in the dumps because of circumstances/depression/anxiety,, here’s what i do:

unplug. the internet, sometimes, only makes things worse.

EXCEPT if you’re gonna text/message/talk to someone online! linking up with a trusted friendo helps.

draw! even if you aren’t an artist, it releases stress. writing your thoughts helps too.

take a walk.

listen to your favorite bops. (i have a collection of playlists on spotify under the name chocobonbon123 if you wanna check it out)

make a cake. or food. or something.

organize your room

if you’re angry: ripping paper really calms me idk hahah

and sometimes: you just need to have a Big Cry. let it All Out.

well guys! that’s it! basically this is all my advice for incoming freshman/what i wish i did my freshman year and i hope it helps someone out there. <3 <3

-esther

[ellygoesnyooom]

can i please request a scenario of the first big fight between zen and mc please? maybe she’s jealous, maybe she sees something and misunderstands? zen says something rlly hurtful as well. but can it please have a fluffy end? thanks!

Oooh, I had too much fun writing this I may or may not have bawled my eyes out too but. I made sure to have a happy ending after the angst. I sure needed some fluff after this ;~; It is suuupper long, so the post is going underneath the cut so that I’m not actually hogging everyone’s dash. I hope you enjoy this Zen angst, anon!

The first year and a half of your relationship was amazing for the two of you

It was exciting and new. Everything he did amazed you and captured your complete attention

Every kiss, every touch filled your stomach with those damn butterflies you hate, but you always found yourself looking for more

When he would look at you with those crimson eyes filled with adoration and love for just you, it melted your heart

He was yours

Out in public, he would wrap an arm around your shoulder and hold you close. If not that, his hand was wrapped securely around yours. His thumb would rub circles into the back of your hand, and if he was feeling silly, he would swing your linked arms back and forth, too

The paparazzi, in the beginning, used to unnerve you a bit, but after a while, much like zen had, you learned to tune out the occasional flash of a camera

When fans would come up to the two of you, most would gush about how adorable the two of you were, and asked for pictures with the two of you

Zen basked in the spotlight, and occasionally, you would step away and allow them to focus completely on his

Sometimes you two encountered fan who ignores you or jeers at you about how ‘you don’t look good together’ or how you ‘are ruining Zen’s image’. In those instances, Zen would excuse the two of you, walk a bit away, and sweep you up in his arms in a grand romantic gesture before pressing a kiss to your lips

It was as if he was giving them an ‘in your face’ sort of thing. He loved when you got all flustered afterwards

There were times things got a little bumpy, like when he had a role that forced him to stay out late at rehearsals. You were worried sick for him, as he would come home around nearly midnight looking absolutely wiped, but he would always sit up a little bit to talk with you, if you were awake

But, lately things were getting much more rocky than usual

He was starting to change, slightly at first. Your two year anniversary was fast approaching, and you thought he would become more friendly and romantic as the date neared

Instead, he started to become a bit more distant, almost cold. He stayed out late, and when he got home, he barely said hello before he went to shower and go to bed

He left you home more often than not, and romantic gestures were becoming few and far between

At first you didn’t worry too much. He was just tired from rehearsal. He would come around once they let up on him

That day came and went, and it seemed to be getting worse rather than better

He left early in the morning to work out, came back home for about twenty minutes to change and shower quick before leaving again for rehearsal.

He threw himself into rehearsal, leaving little time for you

The paparazzi noticed this, as they usually do, and whenever you went online, you found various articles surrounding yours and Zen’s relationship. Some of them made you snort with how ridiculous they were, others worried you more than they should have. You tried to not let them bother you, but they inevitably did

You tried to avoid them, but avoiding the articles seemed to make them seek you out

One day, while you were preparing some dinner in hopes that Zen would come home early enough to eat it, one of your close friends sent you a link to an article. You almost ignored it, but curiosity got the better of you and you set down the knife you were using to chop a tomato and opened the link

The contents made your stomach roil

It was an article from one of the more trustworthy celebrity news sites, and the title jumped out at you. “Has rising actor Zen taken a new lover?”

Right underneath was a series of images, of your boyfriend, walking besides a leggy redhead. They both had a smile on their faces that made your heart ache.

A few seemed like a stretch to say they were ‘lovers’, as it just looked like two friends walking down the street chatting

But, a few caught your eye. Two in particular, actually.

In the first, they were standing underneath an overhang of a cafe as it rained. He was putting his signature grey jacket around the woman’s shoulders as she looked up at him with a grin. The second, most likely taken seconds if not minutes apart, he had his arm around her shoulders as she rested her head on his shoulder. His face was hidden as he looked to the side, not at her, but her eyes were in full view, and showed nothing but pure adoration and pure happiness.

The images made your blood run cold in your veins. Was this why he was so distant lately? Of course, right on time for your anniversary, too!

You finished dinner, but instead of setting the table and waiting for him to come home, you made yourself a plate and put his in the fridge instead with a note to heat up

You printed out the article and set it on the table with a note for Zen before you went to bed. You needed to sleep, and try to forget this whole mess, at least for a bit

When you woke up, it was to a hand shaking you awake. You knew exactly who it was, and opened your eyes to see Zen standing above you. A quick glance at the alarm clock told you it was nearly 2am

“Since when do you listen to tabloid articles, MC?” You sat up and rubbed your eyes, still half asleep. The lamp was on beside your bed. Huh. You swore you turned it off…

It took a second for your brain to catch up to what happened, but finally, it did, and you were mad

“Zen, do you have eyes that work? Look at the pictures! What am I supposed to think?”

A look you had never seen flashed across his face: anger. Pure anger. “Am I not allowed to have a life outside of you? I’m not allowed to have female friends?”

“Not if you are going to leave me, your girlfriend, home alone most days to go play with your new toy!” His crimson eyes that once held so much adoration and love for you only held anger and hostility. “She is not a toy, and I would appreciate it if you would trust me more! Ask me instead of going to these stupid tabloids!”

“How am I supposed to come to you when you aren’t around? Answer me that, Zen! You leave early, and come back late! I barely get a glance from you before you go to sleep! How am I supposed to ask you if you avoid me all the time?”

“Just ask! What’s so hard? Pull me aside and ask me! Jesus, MC, I didn’t know you were that airheaded! Stop worrying so much and let me make my own decisions! Maybe they were right...”

Him calling you an airhead hurt, but you wanted to know who was right. “‘They’? Who?”

“Nobody, MC. I’m going to get ready for bed.” He started to walk away from the bed, but you jumped out from underneath the covers and grabbed his arm, yanking him around. “Answer me! Who was right?”

He looked you dead in the eye. “The fans who said you are wrong for me. If you can’t trust me enough to let me have friends and care about my friends, then I don’t know why I’m still trying. They must be right.”

Before you could stop yourself, you slapped him hard across the face. His face jerked to the side with the force, freezing for a second before turning back to you. His eyes were wide, and most of the hostility was gone, replaced by shock. “How dare you, Zen.”

Without another word, you shoved him out of the room and slammed the door. Thank goodness it locked from the inside

You plopped down on the bed and let a few angry tears slide down your face as you pondered what to do next. It was 2am. Yoosung may be awake, but too deep into LOLOL to notice her calls, plus his apartment was so cramped. Jaehee was so busy, you felt bad bothering her. Jumin would probably not hesitate to let you stay for a bit, but he was so formal and you weren’t too close to him anyways. Seven was your last option. If he didn’t answer, you would call Jumin.

You quickly called him, and to your surprise, he picked up with a usual cheesy greeting. “S-seven, can I stay at yours for a little bit?” He could hear the waver in your choked up voice, and all jokes vanished. He quickly agreed, and told you he would be there to pick you up in a few.

He didn’t ask questions, and you were thankful as you packed up some of your belongings in a duffel bag and waited for his text

Zen never bothered you, and you were glad

Seven finally arrived and you came out of the room. Zen was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. There was an open beer can in front of him

His head shot up when you came out, and fell when he saw the duffel bag. “MC? Where are you going?” You glared at him. “This airhead is going to leave. Obviously this won’t work.”

“Where will you go?”

“None of your business. Have a good night, Zen. Feel free to invite that girl over, I won’t be back anytime soon.” This silenced him, allowing for you to escape to Seven’s car

He didn’t ask any questions again, just silently unlocked the car and let you slide in

As you pulled away, you could see Zen standing in the doorway. Your heart shattered slightly as you watched him turn and shut the door, and let a few tears slip again

He told you you could stay as long as you needed. He was much different than in the chatroom; maybe it was the situation, but he was much more mellow, and very little jokes escaped

Most of the time he worked, leaving you to your own devices, which you didn’t mind. He had little trinkets all around that caught your attention

You spent most of the days there cleaning his house to keep busy and avoid thinking about him

Zen didn’t try to call, and not surprisingly didn’t show up at seven’s doorstep. Part of you wished he would show up and beg for your forgiveness, but you weren’t sure how to handle it if he did

Your dreams were filled with him, and eventually you stopped sleeping, for fear of seeing him

Seven took notice, and when you did sleep, he could hear you crying out his name from in his office. It broke his heart. He had never been more mad at Zen than at that moment

One day, around two weeks after you came to his bunker, Seven left to grab some food. Your being there forced him to go out and refill the fridge with healthy food

Later, you heard someone trying to get into the bunker. You assumed it was Seven, but when the door opened, it wasn’t Seven’s voice that you heard

“MC?” Zen called into the bunker, and your blood ran cold. How had he gotten in?

You sat stone-faced on the couch, knowing you couldn’t hide, not anymore. Finally he appeared

He was dressed impeccably in a silver suit and tie. In his arms was a large bouquet of flowers. He chuckled nervously, but it faded at your appearance

You must have looked horrible. When was the last time you had even bothered to look in a mirror, to care about your appearance in the last two weeks? Well, good. Let him see what he did to you

“How did you get in here?”

“Seven helped me with the password.” he seemed genuinely nervous, eyes darting around the room. Everywhere but at you. “Zen, I don’t-”

“Please, just listen to me? I want to explain why things happened like they did. Even if you want to… want to break up… let me explain before you decide.” His eyes finally landed on you, and they looked… remorseful?

With a sigh, you nodded, and he came over, setting the flowers down gently on the floor before sitting down beside you.

“Where do I start…” you told him the beginning, and with a deep breath, he started.

“Okay, so it started about a few months ago. You brought up going on vacation with me. You talked about all of these places, and I felt horrible for not being able to take you. You looked so beautiful while talking about seeing France, Germany, London, Canada. So, I decided I would get you to at least one of those places. So, I started to work more. I took on more roles to try and get more money, and took up other jobs to get the money. I started to get distant because I was working so hard to collect the money to get you to one of your dream places. I was exhausted, but determined.”

He paused to let this sink in, then continued. “Do you remember that lady from the gossip article?”

Anger started to boil up at the mention of her. He reached out to soothe you, but quickly thought better of it, returning his hand to his lap. He twiddled nervously with the cuff of his jacket. “She was going to give me a modeling job that would one, put me out there more, and two, give me plenty of money. You know how much I hate modelling jobs, MC. I prefer acting, but I was going to do it to get you the money.” He gave you a soft smile before continuing.

“I had been planning the modelling job with her for a while, and had only gone out with her that one day to discuss it over lunch. The images where from when we were walking to lunch, and it started raining. She didn’t bring a jacket or an umbrella, and was shivering, so I wrapped her in my jacket and put an arm around her to keep her warm. I had no idea that it would happen, or that she had romantic feelings towards me. I do not return those feelings in the slightest, I promise, MC. But those tabloids, you can’t believe them. They usually are fake, or have twisted the truth. You can believe me, though, MC. I promise to you, and swear on everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve, that I am telling the honest truth to you. Can you forgive me?”

His eyes were glassy, but when you looked at his face, it held nothing but regret and sadness. No hint of a lie. He was telling the truth.

“... do you really think I am an airhead? And that the fans that say that mean stuff are true?” His face fell as you spoke the words, and he didn’t hesitate to wrap you in his arms. It felt so good. You missed his arms around you

“No, no, no! MC, I know I said those words, but it was late, and I was exhausted. I didn’t mean them, and I’ve regretted the words ever since you left. You are not an airhead, nor are the mean fans right. You are gorgeous and smart and sharp-minded and the most important person to me. I was a douche to you, and I’m so sorry. Can you… can you forgive me?” You already knew your answer, and knew it since you saw him appear in front of you with that bouquet

You nodded, and his chest heaved. Was he crying? The wetness on your head soon after confirmed it

The two of you sat holding each other, crying softly. Zen pressed kisses to the top of your head as his hands rubbed your back soothingly. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” he chanted like a mantra

Finally, you two leaned back, and he kissed you quickly on your lips. You greeted his kiss happily.

“Oh, MC. Can you pack up your things and shower real quick? We have a plane to catch soon.” You looked at him confused until he picked up the flowers and pulled two pieces of paper out of his suit pocket, handing them to you. “Happy Anniversary, Jagi~” You took the flowers and tickets out of his hands and set them down, smashing your lips to his. “I love you, Zen, I’m sorry about jumping to conclusions. I was just upset. But thank you for this, you didn’t need to.”

“Of course I did.” He pushed the hair out of your face and peppered kisses to your cheekbones and nose. “Now, go get ready. Seven will be back soon, and Paris awaits us. I already packed your bag. It would have been really awkward if you turned me down after I did all of this.” He laughed nervously

With a final kiss and a giggle, you bounded to the bathroom to shower

When you finished, Zen had already packed your items and was waiting in the living room, talking to Seven. Both men’s eyes darted to you, but Zen’s lit up more than Seven’s, who's eyes looked more relieved than anything. “Ready, babe?”

“Ready.” You thanked Seven for letting you stay, and he hugged you tightly, poking you gently in the side teasingly when you pulled away.

You and Zen left Seven’s house hand in hand, crawled into the taxi, and cuddled up to each other on the way to the airport.

You had never been more glad to have Zen, and more in love with him, in your life. You gave him a quick kiss and snuggled up into his side as he wrapped an arm protectively around you.

 “So, are we going to french kiss in France?”Okay, maybe not. You scowled playfully and went to move away until he yanked you back pleading you not to. “Sorry sorry, that was bad! But… can we?” \

Yes, you were sure. You loved him.

[issasideblog]

Introduction!

Well, um hello lolol~

How’s it hanging?

This is my first post on this blog, I’m not even sure if I’m going to post anything, but I guess it’s a good place to post my feelings and other things.

I have no idea how to start this, so I guess I’ll just link this post on my other blog, it’ll give a shorter explanation of what’s happening right now heh.

Okay, so hopefully you’ve read that if anyone does read this, or if future me reads this then hello, hope you’re Gucci now~!

Like I said in that post, I’ve been feeling quite down recently.

I’ve always been like this, but recently it’s gotten worse and I’m not entirely sure why, the only reason I can think is that I’m changing medication.

But it doesn’t really explain why I’m constantly sad, or empty/numb

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel happy sometimes, but not a lot.

I don’t have many friends, but I don’t mind to be honest.

I’ve always struggled with friends, this is apparently because I have Autism (there’s that too lolol~), so I’ve never really had friends for a long time.

But, I have one close friend (my best friend) the others are just people I hang out with at school, since I don’t really leave my house. 

I don’t really like the others too much, I know that sounds mean. But I’ve always struggled with attachment.

I don’t get attached easily, especially after I found out that they were talking about me behind my back.

Every single friendship I’ve ever had has ended like that, so I kind of don’t trust many people.

I said above that I rarely leave my house, this is for many reasons I guess.

1. I’m scared of people.

That sounds kind of weird in a way if you don’t understand.

I hate meeting new people, and being around other people makes me incredibly nervous, but I don’t really show it.

I can’t make eye contact with people (another thing to do with my autism heh)

2. It triggers my OCD

This also sounds kind of weird, but I’ll explain.

I have really bad OCD (Which could also be part of my autism apparently) but I hate being touched, and as soon as someone touches me I feel contaminated and have to wash.

I can’t sit in any place, beside my bed without feeling dirty and having to wash.

Nobody can sit on my bed, or I have to change my bedding.

If I don’t shower I feel disgusting but sometimes I have no motivation to shower which makes me feel even worse.

3. I’m paranoid

I constantly feel like I’m being watched, no matter what I’m doing. I could just be sat in my room (like I am right now) and feel like I’m being watched. It stops me doing certain things (like exercising) and I have to change really fast.

Being outside triggers this even more, I feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, or that I’m being followed.

To be honest, I just prefer being inside. I feel safer I suppose, but not entirely safe.

My school life is even worse.

My grades are terrible, so is my attendance.

I struggle to get out of bed on a morning, because I’m exhausted, I have no motivation and I honestly don’t see the point, I feel like I’m not going to live long enough anyway. 

That sounds like I’m going to kill myself, but I wouldn’t because it would hurt people I care about, I guess.

I find it hard to believe people care about me, but I don’t want to risk them being hurt.

But, I’m very clumsy and kind of self-destructive. I don’t really look after myself, and often miss meals and don’t eat or drink for ages.

~

Recently, I’ve started sleeping in school.

I’ll just be listening to the teacher talk and lose focus and just fall asleep.

I fell asleep in my exams, which I failed.

That made me sad, but no one knew heh, people that knew got mad/judged me heh.

I literally have no energy, so I try sleep whenever I can.

Min Yoongi who?

~

I have no motivation to try in school, even though I want to.

I haven’t done homework in three years, nor have I tried hard.

I don’t have good relationships with teachers because of this. They hate me heh.

I sometimes skip lessons, which makes them hate me even more.

My maths teacher now despises me because me and my friend didn’t go to her lesson and gave us a detention (which I couldn’t go to because I wasn’t at school because I was too depressed heh, but my friend did so she doesn’t hate her). But another girl skipped the lesson and didn’t get into trouble which I found rude.

Now my maths teacher treats me like crap and will pick on me any chance she gets which makes me feel like crap and stops me going to her lesson.

I’ve nearly been expelled three times, which was a rollercoaster lmao.

But the latest was last year:

Like I said in my other post, I have Bipolar disorder, which gives me severe mood swings.

During this incident, I was in a manic state, I literally couldn’t control myself it’s kind of like being drunk in a way?

Anyway, me and this teacher were messing around in maths and he said something that I can’t remember and my manic self (please remember I had no control over this, I couldn’t control myself) said

‘Screw you too’

I don’t even know what happened, but he got pissed and yelled at me.

Then sent me out.

A while later, my best friend brought my bag out and I got sent to the deputy head (I think that’s who he is I honestly have no idea lmao).

I later found out she brought my bag out because my actual maths teacher (not the one that sent me out) said if she brought me it, I’d accuse her of doing something to it.

Probably not wrong tbh

Yeah, so I got sent to the maybe deputy head, I don’t know guy for the rest of the lesson (it was my last period, so I could go home straight after). He made me, my best friend and our ex best friend stay behind, except my ex best friend ran off.

We both had to give a statement of what happened????

(This is kind of turning into me talking shit about my school whoops)

But then yeah, my best friend said she didn’t want to do it in case they lied against us, but she was forced to.

THEY DID LIE AGAINST US IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

Around this time, I was being forced to stay behind because I was missing school.

Apparently, it was to ‘catch up’ but I didn’t do anything besides sit there???

So, it was basically a detention, even though my reason for missing school was my mental illness.

Anyway, I was forced to write an apology letter to both teachers, even though I didn’t do anything to one of them?

The whole screw you was literally a joke??? I thought we were messing around which we were.

Anyway yeah, they refused to let me leave until I did it.

(I couldn’t get out without them letting me)

I can’t remember what I wrote but my head teacher had to help me because I refused to write it, because in my mind (and many others) I didn’t do anything wrong, I couldn’t help my actions and they knew it.

But yeah, I was forced to do this, and went home crying.

My parents were pissed.

I’m pretty sure they called the school and told them to retract the apology or something. I don’t wanna ask now lmfao.

So, them both the maths teacher and the other one that I said it to (he’s now my physics teacher and is nice to me??? but it’s gucci) hated me and so I stopped showing up to that lesson, and form (she was my form tutor)

EVERY MATHS TEACHER I’VE HAD IN SECONDARY HAS HATED ME WTH WHY AM I SO UNLIKABLE???

~

Anyway, my school didn’t believe me when my parents told them I had bipolar disorder.

The school phoned my doctor without us knowing, and asked if I actually had it.

My doctor phoned my parents because it’s confidential and they needed permission, which we gave.

But yeah there’s that too.

I have so many bad incidents in school what even

~

Because of my disorder and other shizzle, I have a lot of appointments, I miss a lot of school.

At one point my teacher (the physics/screw you guy. Why is he always in this? He’s nice now but still) told me I should cancel them.

I can be really suicidal and put myself and others in danger do you really want that, buddy?

But now, they’re demanding all letters of my appointments, but it’s confidential????

Like uh no go away, my mental illness don’t get your own they suck.

~

My PE teacher (I am so tempted to give her name because I really don’t like her but I’m not actual that mean, she also might see this and sue me lolol)  is one of the worse for dealing with my illness tbh, despite the fact her brother killed himself.

This next part is probably gonna sound really attention seeky but meh, I’m just going to be honest here, because honesty is the best policy.

She treats everyone else really nice (except a recent incident with my best friend) but it comes to me and she’s horrible.

She ignores it, and/or blames it on me (this is another thing entirely ugh).

One time I was really depressed in physics (ITS THE SCREW YOU TEACHER AGAIN FGS LMAO) and he was like ‘I’ll email pe teacher and tell her’ but instead of telling her I was sad, he said I refused to work????

I was sat in the changing rooms, basically crying and she comes in and yells at me for not doing pe.

(side note: I don’t do PE because of my paranoia, insecurity and OCD heh)

I haven’t done pe in three years wth you know this???

Then she goes

“Do you want to talk about it? Never mind you never do.” and walks out.

I don’t like talking to others about my feelings, because in my mind they don’t care and I’m just a bother to them.

~

In year seven, I was forced to go to the school councillor.

She brought another girl (who for the record, is horrible and I really don’t like her).

She then started talking about my bipolar and saying stuff meaning the horrible girl knew all aboout my private stuff.

The councillor then went on to say my disorder is my own fault????

Apparently, I was just hanging around with the wrong people and not having enough confidence??

No, I have a mental illness, I can’t prevent it.

~

Trigger warning: self-harm

A few years ago, I used to cut myself (I don’t anymore) and my teacher was trying to force me to take my jumper off, and at some point, I got in trouble for cutting myself h e c c.

~

A few weeks ago, I told my teacher about how I was struggling with body issues and starving myself. She asked me how I was once but did nothing else.

If it wasn’t for my friend and parents realising I could have starved myself to death, and she would have watched it happen.

I even wrote a song about it recently and it was obvious it was about me, but my teacher read it (it was for an assessment) and said nothing.

~

Alas I cannot think of any more incidents at school, there are literally too many.

Ever since an early age, I’ve struggled with sleep.

I can go days without sleeping or sleep all day.

This sometimes actually depends on my bipolar.

If I’m manic, I can stay up for days, if I’m depressed I can and most likely will, sleep for days.

I also have something called delayed sleep phase syndrome (Jesus I have a lot of problems)

So, my sleeping schedule is messy.

It’s literally 7:30am and I haven’t slept even though I’m exhausted.

My whole life I’ve had low self-esteem.

I hate everything about myself.

This could be because I’ve been bullied my whole life.

One of my biggest issues is with my weight (You can probably tell where this is going so trigger warning)

I’ve always gone through phases of not eating for days, or rarely eating but recently has been the worse it’s ever been.

I was barely eating, I’d go days without eating, sometimes I would force myself to throw up.

I was constantly over exercising and sometimes I would lose all energy and I’d just collapse to the floor and couldn’t get up, but I’d still push myself.

I lost all my energy, which led to me sleeping at school, as you read above.

I even nearly fell asleep while walking home once.

I told my teacher this too once, not the whole thing, just that I was insecure and wasn’t really eating (like you read above) and she didn’t do anything.

Like I said, I have low self-esteem so I rarely like myself.

I constantly think my friends hate me, this is also because almost everyone prefers my best friend to me and leave me for her.

I think I’m unlikable, and honestly, I’m sure it’s true, no matter what others say.

No matter how many compliments and things I get, I never believe it, they just make me think I’m being pranked and people are laughing at my reactions.

I also get intrusive thoughts sometimes.

I’ll just be doing something and thoughts about me being worthless and other things like that will bombard my mind, or I will get thoughts about killing myself or killing others and I can’t stop it.

It’s just something that happens to me now, to the point it rarely bothers me.

I sometimes, not often, hear things and hallucinate.

This is rare though but has been happening more and more often recently.

They’re usually voices telling me my friends don’t like me, I’m worthless, stupid, they insult me and things like that. They also just repeat things I’ve heard during the day really loudly.

I’ve never really told anyone this.

I sometimes see flashes of faces and people in my sight, I’m not sure if that’s hallucinations but yeah.

Above I said that I’ve always had bad friends, besides now.

One of my worst was being bullied constantly, I don’t even know why I tried being their friends, I was very naive.

One of them still hates me rip.

He’s dangerous now so you know, kind of paranoid.

Another friendship was when one girl’s mother was a drug dealer and they all tried pressuring me into doing drugs and smoking with them.

I never did, I just came up with a lie it wasn’t hard to be honest.

They probably knew but who cares?

Earlier on I said I have paranoia (if it can be called that).

But yeah, I feel like I’m being watched all the time, no matter what I’m doing.

I’m not sure who, but I just feel like someone out there is watching me either through my window (so I always have my curtains closed), through my camera (so I always have them covered) or through a hidden camera in my room which I can’t do anything about.

I once hid under my covers because it got too much, but the feeling was still there.

I’m suddenly exhausted.

My mind has gone blank, but I’ll try post more I guess, if I remember, or have something to write about.

Thank you for reading!

I hope you have a good day/night! ^-^ <3

 I’ve probably made loads of mistakes here because I suck hEH SORRY

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Know THYSELF: The Importance of Knowing who You are, and why this Matters

Subtitle: This super-long post also has some tips somewhere in the end =)

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well.

I was gonna post a spiritual log but I got guided to write this, after I reviewed my own stuff aka my natal birth chart, my human design and the gene keys I was born with. To be honest, knowing the self is probably, and in my opinion the best gift you can give your self, as well as others. Because truth be told, some of the most miffing people out there, (based on my experiences) are those who don’t know what they want, if they actually want want they want, or have no idea how to deal with personal issues and stuff because they don’t actually take time to get to know themselves. Inversely, some people are also annoying because they don’t know how to interact with other people, and are too caught-up im in their own worlds to even care or think that they may have hurt other people by being too-self-absorbed. Spoiler alert: I WAS and probably am still on this entire spectrum so I am not saying that I have transcended this whole dilemma and I am better than anyone else. Lol that would be a dream tho, not.

*If you click the links you can get your own charts generated, just add your birth date, exact birth time, and more or less exact birth location, if you wanna learn more stuff down the rabbit hole*

OK, now that the intro-ish stuff has been brought down with, I shall formally start this very long-ish post by writing stuff about why it is important to know your self.

Partial Self-awareness: The myth that you already know everything you know about yourself right now, but some part of you says otherwise.

Well, that sucks right? I mean, no matter how much you say you know what you want or you are completely sure about something major about your self, there is at least a 10% chance that you may have missed a spot. And this normally won’t make itself known until you start forming relationships outside of your own zone: friends, workmates or schoolmates, lovers, mentor-student relationships, even having pets or kids. Normally when we are by ourselves, at the very least we feel a bit more confidence, strength, even some self-love. Because we see ourselves through our own lenses, albeit tinted at times. However, once we start seeing ourselves through the eyes of other people, as well as getting stimuli that are often beyond our realm of control, we often get surprised, and we start acting out of character. And by that I mean out of the character that we thought we knew, in a negative way. Left unchecked, unassessed, or even ignored, this anger or frustration goes on to become triggering mechanisms that would eventually sap us of our good vibes, our zest for life, or even wanting to go out and get some sun, or moon, or stars. In really worst cases, not knowing the self fully can cause self-sabotage in the form of self-doubt, insecurities, jealousy, having zero initiatives, you know, stuff that can make or break relationships. And if you already invested a lot of emotional, financial, and whatever attachment to these things, losing them can really hurt like hell, which leads to more self-sabotaging behaviors, more ruined stuff, and so on. Like a gut-wreching death spiral that only sees death as an end goal.

But don’t worry, it’s not all doom and gloom, for if you know yourself fully, and chose to heal or change what needs to be changed: attitudes, beliefs, mindsets, perspectives, the stuff that relies on your own perceptions, then at least half of the issues become readily solved.

How?

By learning how to recognize patterns of behaviors and responses that were causing the self-sabotage in the first place, and doing stuff to change them so that instead of feeling down and worthless, you instead regain your self-composure, your balance, and most importantly, you become EMPOWERED. YOu grow to become a better version of yourself. See? I told you the importance of this cannot be stressed even more lol. 

But seriously... You might start asking “How come I didn’t even know these?”

Well, actually, your conscious monkey brain doesn’t, but your deeper than an iceberg subconscious sure knows. Not that it’s smarter than your conscious or anything. It’s just more powerful though, because it has more storage capacity and won’t budge no matter how many times you do your affirmations or what. Not that I bash affirmations, goodness no, They’re very helpful with proper usage. But the subconscious mind is a lot thicker than your skull, and more often than not everything it has learned won’t just simply go away no matter how much motivational speeches or conscious affirmations you do. Well, for me and a whole bunch of people who bashed the Law of Attraction when we first tried it. Around 90-95% of the trial users lolol I am trying to make the mood happy here ok? Also don’t be angry at your subconscious mind, it’s the reason why you can sing sappy songs while riding a bike or driving your car. It’s also the reason why you could just start making pancakes without needing a book, assuming you have been cooking it all your life. It has some cool skills too, you know. But when it comes to chasing our dreams and our happiness, despite our best and intentioned efforts, the subconscious mind can either help us tremendously or be our biggest hater, basher, and even barrier and blockage.

This is because the subconscious mind has greater capacity, as well as a deeper connection to your outer world. It sucks to know and hear this but yes. After doing subliminals for 2 years and just now getting the hang of it and getting some harsh unwanted results due to my own unresolved issues,yes, this is a very painful truth. And this is where the idea of gaining power by knowing yourself comes to play. 

Why?

So you can heal your own wounds. Resolve your own personal issues. Become closer and more connected with other people, in deeper ways. And most importantly, be a better person than ever before. All with the help of your subconscious mind. 

*Quick reminder, the subconscious mind can be likened to a recorder. By itself it does only one thing: PLay recorded stuff. Unless you push “Record” in order to change a track in the tape (or memory card yeah I work with both types lolol), it can’t change the stuff that were already written on it, and it will only play whatever tracks are already recorded in it. Forever. Click here to learn more about this dual-sided nature of the subconscious mind and how such changes can affect our genetics, through DNA methylation. Trust me, we learned this stuff back in college and is only appearing out now.*

Yay, the first part of this post is already done! NOw let’s move on to the next two. I shall base my stuff on HUman Design because aside from it working for me, I haven’t seen anything like it that helped me learn even more about myself, amybe a lot deeper than getting natal birth charts. Not an expert but you can check the materials here. It’s one big rabbit hole if you wanna read more into it. You’ll need your human design chart though.

There are two ways of learning who we truly are: learn directly or indirectly.

1. Learning who the self is, directly.

*If you already got your human design chart, please check if you’re a Generator: Pure Generator or a Manifesting Generator (has the 20-34 channel connected, throat to sacral center aka the red square in the belly part of your diagram) because this is for you. All other types are in #2, but since this is for you to learn who you are, or who you are not, you can read this part too*

Well, that should be easy, right? Well, yeah, easy on paper, but not gonna lie it’s quite challenging to do in real life. BEcause learning how to do it involves a lot of taking risks, gaining new experiences, meeting new people, going to new places, and all that enrichment stuff. BAsically going out of your comfort zone. I’m not saying you should abandon all your core values here. But if you’re only not wanting to do something because you’re scared (i.e. you are uninitiated with meeting new people through dating apps) and not because you’re going against your personal values (i.e. being forced by a bunch of friends to go on a date with someone that harassed you when you already stood your ground and asserted yourself to this person), well the former is a component of your comfort zone and should be expanded, by all means.

Basically, just be open to new and expansion-making experiences. Doesn’t need to be grand. You can start with going back to old hobbies, adding new skillsets to those you already have, read books that you normally wouldn’t read, stuff like that. Or expand your current knowledge on what you already know.

You can also start from scratch, learn something new, or try out something that scares the heck out of you, like learning trigonometry or advanced calculus, or learning the mechanisms of cell-signalling cascades lolol not kidding there though. Meet new people in classes, events, or just try participating in online forums as a noob. Watch a movie that you didn’t wanna watch and never did because of all the bad reviews, but this time with an open mind and heart.

Or do someting cathartic, like CLEANING. Clean your house, clean your inboxes, clean your friends list, your phone contacts, and don’t forget to clean your mind of the subconscious garbage, because seriously that’s a lot more hard work than unfriending a bunch of people lolol but I am serious here. People uinderestimate the energizing effects of cleaning, because it literally removes energetic cords, it clears the energetic field (yours) and I have to tell you that as a person who just moved into a new place, seriously cleaning is both an annoying and a rewarding experience. It can help you assess your values in life, what matters most to you, and what makes you happy. Even before Marie Kondo started her stuff, I was already doing this since college. That was almost a lifetime ago. Dang I feel old, and fabulous lol.

But then you might ask, “WHy am I doing this, exactly?”

So you can learn what you like and don’t like. What gives you joy and what  doesn’t. What makes you happy and what makes you feel effed up. Not that it gives a more solid self-identity, but rather it allows you to be fluid, and gives you a chance to be on both sides of the fence. So that you can give better opinions and suggestions. But at the same time also empathetic to the ideas of people on the other side of the fence. You can even be a better friend or lover or companion who can spread your joy and love, especially since Generators have the type of aura that is welcoming and energizing to others (my Projector friend told me so, she feels great after we had our gabfest and after I give her card readings. lolol shameless self-promo). Comprising roughly 70% something of the world’s population, if all of the generators consistently do their best in knowing who they truly are, miracles can happen, and there would be less annoyance and frustration, and more satisfaction in  our daily lives. In turn, we get to channel more high vibrational energies to everyone else on the planet. As a Generator like you (I’m actually a Manifesting Generator, still same more or less), this is our gift: to share others our enduring strength by energizing ourselves as well as the people around us. Which is why seriously, now is the best time to be open on both sides because in the midst of all the current (and probably will only escalate more) chaos, you only need your inner guide, your personal compass, and knowing that you are confident with your choices because YOU had the actual experience only makes you even more powerful, because you can truly speak from the heart. Not everyone can do that, because the other people who are scared to take this leap just stay on one side for their entire lives. You’re born to be better and stronger than that, so just do it. (Or not, just trust your gut. We are gut peeps lolol no really, that’s part of our design) Also, based on your design (a defined aka solid sacral center, the square under the diamond shape) you have more than the usual capacity to endure, and to allow things to happen for you based on your gut instincts. Even when the going gets tough.

Additional important note: As Generators (the workforce of the world lol but yeah really), because our sacral centers are defined aka solid (especially when combined with a defined solar plexus center aka a yellow triangle at the right side of the square) this means that we innately have a strong sense of self: who we are and what we want, or don’t want. Or we don’t easily get influenced, even if we were conditioned to be. Thus, our power lies in knowing who we are, and knowing who we are gives us consistency, reliability, and ultimately satisfaction in our choices and decisions. That is how we generate our power, by following our gut feelings and following through till we complete our task or goal. After finishing it beautifully as expected (of us lol), it gives us a wonderful sense of completion, and it makes us feel great about ourselves. We trust ourselves better. And this is a form of self-mastery that can really give you peace. However, self-doubt, not following through, or not asserting ourselves takes away our precious power, which leaves us drained, exhausted, burnt-out, angry and frustrated, well, basically stuff that leads to depression and not to mention a really weak physique, and we really need to have a strong body for all of our motor centers aka the stuff that helps make things happen) to be at tip-top shape. This whole shite happened to me way back because I just kept myself getting trampled even though I was already unhappy with my work and how I was being treated, all for the sake of getting some cash. I basically gave my power and self-worth away, and I ended up with a really horrible (now a somewhat chronic) back pain (I am currently having this condition as I type this now. It popped up due to my need to release anger, see previous Thought log lol) and even deeper depression. While it may take us a bit shorter time to recover compared to other types, it still sucks that we have to stay in recovery, and in a whole lot of pain. So preventing burnout by doing what we love (that’s where we get even more  energies to do a whole truckload of work) and attaining a strong sense of self-satisfaction and self-love is really what we need to push ourselves towards self-improvement and to attain a more fulfilling and magical life.

Basically, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. That’s exactly my point.

2. Learning who the self is, indirectly

*Check your chart if you’re a Manifestor, a Projector, or a Reflector, this is for you. Sorry if the stuff won’t be as rich as the previous one since I have more experiences as a Generator, Also I based these on some Projectors I know lol haven’t met an actual Manifestor or Reflector they’re like around 9% and 1% of the population respectively, so if you’re either, please don’t hesitate to say HI. But if you’re a Generator, especially a Manifesting Generator, feel free to read lol*

So if you happen to read the entire segment on Generators, and you’re not one, I’ll give you a pat on the back (or hugs if you want), that was a lot of stuff to read. And it isn’t even for you. But ironically, if you happened to read it, then you just did some learning about yourself INDIRECTLY. TA-DAH!

But I am not making a bamboozle here. What I said was something that many people actually base or formulate their own opinions with. By interacting with others, they learn more about themselves by hearing many perspectives, churning them into their own brand of butter, and eventually formulating something out of it. Unless you’re a Manifestor, you just say the word and people make your butter lolol yeah really.

But seriously, for people with this method of learning about the self based on outside sources is even better and more effective than trying to figure out things on their own. Having the opinion or experiences of others (most-likely a Generator because there’s more of us lolol the power of Statistics) is a better option in learning (i.e. you watch what experts do instead of doing all of the available options out there by yourself) than trying out what works because having to do stuff through a process of trial and error can actually put an energetic strain on these three types. While Generators can do all of that trial and error thingy because of their scarily solid willpower and their strong energy centers aka the sacral center, because this is not defined aka clear and white as a ghost for Manifestors, Projectors and Reflector types, it means that whatever energies you already had will be readily depleted, and recovery can take a long time, even when you feel like you exerted only a little effort. Trust me when I say that what you did was more than enough if you felt like you just wanna lay down and sleep for the entire day, or week.  

If you’re wondering how I had in idea on why this is so, well...

I don’t know about the other two types since I don’t personally know of any Manifestor or Reflector, but I guess having a Projector younger brother who gets exhausted playing games if he tries to figure stuff on his own and a Projector friend who gets easily drained after getting duped by other people to become a sounding board and later regrets it before ending up in a daze really helps me better understand open sacral center types a bit better. I just compare them to myself in similar situations, and assessing what happens to them after I give them a piece of my mind or whatever. For my brother, aside from watching video tutorials or reading GameFaqs (lol) based on whether I watched him play or not, just chatting with him while he slays demons, monsters, or whatever he’s playing at the moment sorta extends his play time by about 30mins at least compared to when I don’t appear around him to watch. He’s probably unaware though lolol BUt my Projector friend who is also one of my Soul Sisters and is quite familiar with Human Design (because I pushed her to get an overiew aka me explaining her chart to her and she actually realizing how legit the whole thing is lolol Manifesting Generator issues hahaha) actually tells me that each time we chat on the phone, she gets readily-grounded and energized, as well as having a better sense of herself after the call. I won’t exactly know if it’s because of me being a Generator who naturally does it, or because she gets free extended readings (lolol again, shameless self-promo here), or just the combination of getting her questions answered as well as getting her energetic fix. She just tells me that she feels depleted at the beginning of the call, after geting caught up and too-anxious on thinking what to do, why things happen, basically the mind starts running so fast But then she gets super-excited and revived during and before ending the call, because she receives clarity on what she needs to do, even if it makes no sense to me logically. And I weirdly after that can still go on and gab some more, I sometimes even do chores after that.

So what is the point of this segment about Projectors?

Well, it has two points:

Sometimes it is easier to walk the pavement than make it. Unless you’re a Manifestor who initiates things. But (then again, this just means that they’ll make the layout, the others will just do the manual labor) they can only do so much with their own power, and it would be a bit helpful for them to ask aid from other people like filling in the other “back-end” stuff that needs to be done aka follow through with the details. Being humble and telling people what you plan to do, how it can be done, and putting trust on other people that they will do it the best way they can with their power (because probably they’re Generators lol), can revitalize your energy and creative ideas. Same for Projectors, it is better to just create a plan, and assuming that people were already on board with your plan (because your abilities got recognized, your ideas didn’t get rejected and you felt great) to manage people who can do it through delegation and division of labor (they’re probably Generators because again, statistics lolol honestly I wanna be a Manifestor but nope), and just rest. Sorry, I can’t say much about Reflectors though, but I believe that they need a long time to ruminate things and decide, or else they’ll end up being disappointed with their choices and feeling even more disempowered.

Learning about other people’s opinions, knowledge and experiences can be rewarding  because you not only learn about your own needs in a deeper sense through sifting and distilling of the information carefully, but also by having an idea on what makes the people around you tick. This can help you become really good at catching on their current states, which can improve your communication and rapport with them. It also makes them more receptive of you, especially if you’re a Manifestor because let’s face it, you can be quite intimidating and seem angry all the time (or so they say). It also saves the Projector a lot of disappointment due to rejection because they gain a better sense of not pushing their output into the faces of the people and instead waiting for the right chance aka getting recognized and invited by others to share their stuff. Trust me, a lot of people just wanna share their own unsolicited opinions and advices and while some can take the heat when rejected, others just cannot and it is hard for them to let go, to the point that they think it is a personal attack. Hint: it’s not.

In Conclusion: There is no right or wrong way to know more about your true self. 

Any method can actually work for any type, just as long as you don’t feel threatened, compromised, or be under so much stress. Just remember to work with what you’re designed with: Generators can do the trial-and-error thingy, and Manifestors, Projectors and Reflectors can go for other people for their input and other kinds of information sharing so that a consensus can be reached aka you'll get to know better if something is for you or not based on whether you like it or not.  Also, you don’t have to rush things (ahem, GENERATORS, AHEM), sometimes going with the flow is just as important as paddling, sometimes it’s even better and gives more magical results.

I hope this super long-post helped you in any way. I did whatever I can within my knowledge and intuition so that this post can be made. If even just one person helps this make their lives better, then this is all worth it.

Thank you very much for reading. Any comment, suggestions, even just a short reply are most welcome. If it helped you in any way, I would love to hear about it.

Be well always, and may you find the healing you seek.

With love and hugs from Source above,

三日月 ����

Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.com

Thank you so much and be blessed!

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #3- ish + 4 (plus some inter-related bits about monies and general stuff)

Ack! I um... I forgot what happened in the third appointment lolol I should really note things down straight away or in one of those neat diary apps on ze phone, they look so useful I should really just stop hesitating and try one really >^< 

I had such a bad inner meltdown the other day, I was thinking for so long and deep while doing everything that day that I just don’t even ;; I zoned out thinking too hard while sitting on the toilet and showering even more than usual on a whole bunch of other days too lol... The things I thought were really bringing me down so low and the intensity of the negativity in there was so strong but I can’t let it mess me up and take me off track. It’s okay to get lost in though sometimes, but gotta make sure not to pull the gloominess and irrational into reality. I got past it, I’ll be okay! ^^

Imma just merge my regular kind of post with the therapy posts because why not (also I lazy lol). The reluctance and anxiety I get over thinking about writing these posts is so ughhh the mental effort needed is more than I have the capacity for .__. I’m so distracted and restless and haven’t been well at all, but I gotta get this done. It doesn’t matter if it sucks, just do it, it’ll be fine! ^^

Anyways, in that 3rd week in general I um... I made cookies! And not just once, but twice! Hell yeah! X3 It’s sounds lame but it’s a great accomplishment for me! It was fun and every time I ate a cookie I would think yay I made this! Too bad my parents weren’t all that interested but they did try a cookie each (both batches) and thought it was alright! :D I hope to actually wow them with something in future, huff huff gotta keep trying! Gotta put even more love into it! ^^

Okay, skipping to this week for now. I went for my fourth session and my homework from the previous week was to have had a look at hobby clubs or classes and to join one if possible. I looked but the only things I could really find were actual college courses (which cost big monies) and some really basic craft clubs to make small specific things. I can’t help but feel like the things done there can be done at home with some online tutorials and that it’d be wasteful to go but that obviously defeats the purpose of everything @^@”

She said to make sure that the club or whatever is something I really wanted to do/am genuinely interested in learning and to let the conversation practice sort of thing always just be something there on the side, so killing two birds with one stone. This was also in relation to something I said about feeling awkward well... when there’s awkward silences. Since I and the other person/people should be focusing on the task at hand, it won’t matter if conversation fades because it’s only secondary to why we’re there, just a side quest of sorts on my main mission.

So uh, I told her that those were the kinds of things I found, not a lot out there and that they costed money which brought me on to start looking up jobs a little instead. Looking at the required skills and qualifications parts of the job pages made me feel pretty awful as I lack so much, but I saw people say to just apply anyways and you never know, you could be perfect for it even if on paper you didn’t seem so. I came across some jobs with no requirements too which is like ding ding! But the reviews on them were not so good. I feel like I can do it, but at the same time I feel like I’m not ready at all, gotta keep taking baby steps for now to build my confidence and skills, it’ll be okay.

She showed me this diagram of uhh... it was a vicious cycle of negative thoughts..? I can’t remember perfectly but it was basically a cycle where your mind jumps the gun and catastrophizes and causes anxiety to flare. This just goes on to confirm all these bad feels and beliefs you have originating from past things and allows them to seep into current things and scare and hold you back and everything just loops infinitely. That was probably the worst explanation ever, my bad, but my laziness and terrible memory knows no bounds @_@” 

I have seen this type of vicious cycle diagram before of course, but she explained it a bit more with an actual relevant example of an event or task I am or would do and how each step of the cycle relates to the workings of my thoughts then. Like to do with me avoiding doing stuff because I’m worried they won’t be perfect or turn out well or that I see myself badly because in the past that’s how I noticed people saw me (or assumed they saw me) and I keep believing it is going to be the same now (so I automatically assume the same again).

Oh! That’s something I went into a bit more, about people looking at me weirdly/not liking me. She asked how I could tell and I mentioned I’m really conscious of body language and stuff like them seeming disinterested, reluctant or with a sour expression when I try to talk to them and that it gives me the vibe that I’m undesirable to converse or look at. But she was able to unravel and dissolve most of that by saying how would I know that those expressions and behaviour are directly linked to me and that instead it could just be the person having a headache or a bad day and that even if they really are disinterested and reply half assed then well, so what... I am making the effort and if they don’t want to return it then it’s not my fault and it’s maybe not worth my time and I should just move on without taking all these self hurting assumptions and unimportant memories with me.

I do try to see things from others perspectives and sometimes I feel I am overly considerate but sometimes it’s just too hard when you’re just stuck inside your own head with all these bad thoughts and insecurities crushing you in and stopping you from seeing out. I want to not read in too deeply or to not misread others and to not forget to take care of myself and not be overly sensitive. 

When my mind jumps to a negative assumption I’m gonna tell it to stand down and not try to dive deep into where it doesn’t need to be. Also with jumping to negative conclusions about doing things, I’m just going to try to not think about it and just do it instead and if I can’t refrain from thinking ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’, I am going to also ask myself ‘what’s the best that can happen?’ too. I say this like it’s magically gonna happen from now on but I know it’s not gonna be so easy, I gotta just keep reminding myself and let myself fall into a much healthier pattern, baby steps some more! A stampede of baby steps might happen all at once, who knows ^^

Ah! On the 3rd week (I’m jumping back and forth I know but oh well, as long as my memory gets sparked and running again haha) I think we discussed what I would like to focus on, as in one specific area (as she had to write it down on this form thing). It was a lil disappointing to know it had to be so specific or closed and we decided on just self confidence in general (and just being myself which just lead her back to just putting self confidence). I’m kinda iffy about it though but oh well, just be grateful silly me!

I plucked up the courage to mention I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to put forth and resolve all my deeper troubles and to again to ask her about whether having an actual diagnosis would be a useful thing (even though I know she cannot give one). I know it would be valuable to me and possibly of use with the financial help stuff but she was just kind of like hmmm... nope (and not to worry about it I guess). That was a bit of a downer but maybe if I really wanted to I could pursue one elsewhere later on somehow. 

She said she feels I probably just have anxiety and am socially awkward. Hm... that definitely rings true and before knowing of AVPD that’s what I thought for sure. I guess it’s kind of nice in a way to not sound so bad? Or maybe she just doesn’t want me to self-prophecise (which I think I might have been doing all the while eep! xAx). Who knows what I have or what I am, giving myself a name or label to refer to might be a bad thing after all, maybe I’ll find out later on or maybe I’ll be able to get past all this without needing it or being it.

Um anyways, one of the things I was avoiding or kind of also forgot about is to apply for financial help (benefits) while I am unemployed and trying to get better. She used this as an example with the cycle diagram too. I was really stressing about it this week as she said to make sure to get it done for next week because without it (the monies) we wouldn’t be able to progress (pay and go to clubs or whatever and so grow some more socially and in confidence). I researched it more and I found another sort of option (as well as the other past option which I am going to ignore for now... bad me ><) and just well, after a long while of thinking all these negative outcomes and things just decided to kick all those thoughts and do it. I needed to do it and it is true, if I don’t try, I won’t know and I thought back to what she said which is that I do deserve it (because I keep feeling like I don’t even though my many struggles are indeed very real and valid .__.).

I did the phone call to start the benefits claim yesterday and it wasn’t so bad... I mean it sucked for sure, but well, it could have been worse I guess lol... The person on the other end kept talking fast and sounded out of breath and kind of accented, so many of the things they said was totally unclear and I had to say ‘pardon’ and ‘sorry what?’ about 20 times. Some things I still didn’t understand perfectly and the person was kinda unhelpful/unwilling to explain better even when I asked, which just felt like wthhh even, but welp I got through it anyways! :D I made sure to prepare all the info needed and to not overthink and just do it and I did it yay!!

Now comes the waiting for the actual form I have to fill in which I am so anxious about because of the amount of detail needed and it’s the super deep personal kind of details which I always struggle to express in any form. Then after that there’s a face to face assessment which is making me die just thinking about it x__x but... but, it’ll be okay, c’mon... I can do this!! I’ll never know if I don’t try! That’s the thought that kept pushing me lately, I gotta keep it in mind even more because it works pretty good (though I’ve ignored it a lot in the past or well, fear just always came first and eradicated any other thought pretty much, but that’ll change now!). The outcome may be bleak but I‘ve got to still hold onto the hope and to congratulate myself for trying even though it was hard, it was something!

I also emailed an online shopping place to see if they could reimburse the price difference on an item I bought recently which went on sale soon after which I really didn’t want to do, but my sis prompted me to as she’d seen many people try this with sometimes good results. So I did do it and even though I knew they were likely to not be able to do anything about it, at least I tried and that is something! I was scared to, but went for it. I mean their response still hurt a little, but it was mostly what I was expecting to get and was very professional. 

I need to keep pushing myself to just try in all sorts of things. Even if it’s scary, even if it hurts to think about what might be the outcome, I just need to try or I’ll miss the chance for even good things to happen too.

My other sort of homework was to practice and actually help out with phone orders at my parent’s work place. This is something I’ve been wanting to do and something my parents have been wanting me to do for a long time but I’m just so scared of it, phone calls are just something I’ve always avoided in the past because I get so awkward and panicky. 

In the session we did a small pretend/hypothetical phone order scene thing where she was the customer and I was prompted to just say what I would and it was easier than I thought kinda. I was jumping ahead and worrying about her asking certain things I often hear customers say (when other people answer it) but she never asked it. She told me I was working myself up by predicting something that may or may not even happen (just like in that cycle diagram). She said to be in the moment and not think past it, just go with the flow kind of thing and everything will be peachy and it’s well, pretty true if I think about other phone calls I’ve made like the one above where I was expecting them to ask certain things and was super anxious but they never even asked those things (or well not in the detail I was expecting) lol.

I think... I think I can do it. I mean, I know I’m capable. I just have to get past the fear of my family judging me, me asking them for help or me getting things jumbled and getting in trouble. I even tried to do another pretend practice conversation with my sis but neither of us took it seriously (or well maybe that was my fault for goofing around) and I wanted to look over the material so I was prepared but I just ahhh xAx I think I’m overcomplicating things again. There’s only one day left to try and then I’m at my 5th appointment. I’m worried she’ll be disappointed in me, but is’s just so nerve-wracking taking the first step into something scary like that. At least I’ll have done one of the two things I needed to do though. I need to psych myself up some more, toughen up and put all the negative behind me. I wonder if I’ll be able to do it before then... @~@ Maybe I’ll get my sis for more practice or moral support.

I’ve been wanting to try posting my other misc stuff on my other accounts and changed the name/urls again for the millionth time. I am a little happier with them than before but still iffy and overly anxious, over thinking to the max again. It’s true, I’ll never be happy and I’ll never move forward if I’m always second guessing myself, reaching for the unattainable perfection, being scared of failure, letting the past haunt me and the unforeseeable future scare me. 

I made a small step forward and it was better than nothing. I am finally starting to see the worth in my creations, to see the beauty (uhh) past the imperfections and I wish I could say that about myself too but that’s going to need to take a long while more. As always baby steps, baby steps all the way until I can buy a fancy tricycle or one of those electric mini cars LOL XD

About the way I keep mentioning time and me wasting it, I mentioned this to the counsellor also and she helped me realise that no time is wasted and that there is nothing lost when meeting with failure either. Learning from mistakes, moving slowly, it’s all okay. If I can keep going, even if I screw up, I’ll have the knowledge to do better next time and I’ll prove myself wrong and break the cycle. I can do things, I can do everything I want to do, I just gotta believe in myself and not let the bumps on my journey slow me to a stop ^^

Wow this post grew quite a bit in length. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it! I’m sure there’s lots I’ve missed out, but it doesn’t matter, I feel I’ve done more than enough. I did it yay! Listening to the relaxing/concentration/meditation music really really works wonders! I still haven’t gotten round to making a nice playlist of it darn ><

Now to go worry about the phone order thing some more... :’< I kid, or am I srs ack! I’ll figure it out! Whatever happens, or doesn’t happen, I'll make sure to not be too hard on myself for it!

Time to try be more productive! Or maybe relax some more, who knows! Yolo! XD

Go go me! (and go go you!) ^^

[rsasai]

So, to explain the shit that went down this morning.

I got a message from a friend about someone throwing shade at me. I rolled my eyes and I clicked the link, which brought me to their page. I read it, laughed, and then wrote the first part of the comment (I assumed I had blocked them previously, because I had seen some of the stupid shit that they had been sending.)

However…. I then, after posting, realized something: when you are on the iPhone app, if you block someone you can’t receive messages about their blogs. It physically cannot happen. People can send you the link but you can’t see them. It shows that you cannot receive said message.

This gave me pause, because… what. Wait. I didn’t have them blocked? Then how were they not able to reblog my post?

Then the lightbulb went off.

I scrolled to my list of blocked people, and their name wasn’t there. It was how I was able to quickly deduce that this person was never blocked by name, but rather by IP. I went on a block spree a few weeks ago with some trolls who sent me some nasty shit.

I then proceeded to block them by name, after reblogging. Now I am unable to see them on my iPhone, as they are both IP blocked and now name blocked.

Now they’re trying to say I must have blocked them from another fandom, but… I only followed FFXV and Yuri on Ice? Lolol nice try. Actually… not a nice try.

And you admitted to being a troll trying to get attention, buddy. But again, you just keep proving that point lolol

Btw, most people who I have blocked come specifically from anyone who liked/reblogged posts where people were being assholes to me or friends and purposely trying to cause shit. A few others came from their posts clogging the tags and me just getting sick of seeing them. And a few come from people talking shit and thinking I wouldn’t find out. But hey, that’s life.

I don’t have to cater to your wants or needs any more than you need to cater to mine. Coexisting means ignoring one another and not throwing a bitch fit that you got blocked (and clearly for good reason since your entire purpose was to start shit.) Now, I have said time and time again that I am happy to have civil conversation. But if your idea of civil conversation is sending nasty messages and then whining like a petulant child who didn’t get their way because I refuse to play your game… then I think you need to look up what “civil” means.

[soooldout]

#SHAREBAP Tag

Tagged by @mrsjungdaehyun to do this tag! Here is the link so you can see all the questions. Have to pick 10.

2. What was the first MV of B.A.P you’ve watched? (If possible, include youtube link) #SHAREBAP

The most iconic betrayal in kpop (until Skydive came along): One Shot

3. Who was your first bias in B.A.P? Share a random fact, photo, gif or vídeo of him #SHAREBAP

At first impression, it was Jongup wow what a perfect face tho 

Random fact: he has an English name Peter and he spent 30 minutes (maybe lol I forget) buying stuffed koalas in Australia and named them kope (means nosebleed) and koter. omg I love him lolol

4. Who is your bias in B.A.P today? Share a random fact, photo, gif or vídeo of him #SHAREBAP

I have two since January lol but I’ll go with my first one: Yongguk.

Random fact + photo (I crack up everytime and he still doesn’t have a license)

12. Which is your favorite BAP fanart?

Recently, this one by @dreamgukkie its so beautiful

17.  What hairstyle did you enjoy the most in Daehyun? Share a pic. #SHAREBAP

I love dark hair on Daehyun the most but I did really enjoy his cotton candy hair a lot! (yes I am here to kill you all with the extra good good selfies)

25. What is your favorite picture in Youngjae’s Instagram? (you can share the link or print it if you can) #SHAREBAP

(second bias btw) THIS FUCKIN ONE AGHHHH IT STILL GIVES ME HEART ATTACKS

32. What is your favorite OT6 pic? #SHAREBAP

I love all the ones from this Star1 photoshoot - redefined SOFT and FRIENDSHIP and FAMILY

30. With the information we have for now, what song of the new album are you more excited about? #SHAREBAP

I think Wake Me Up if its the song from the second teaser! I also love the sound of the first teaser which is supposedly Dystopia

31. What is your favorite B.A.P meme? #SHAREBAP

I love all the memes hard to choose! So here’s some self promo lolol (although that yongguk one kills me every time)

39. What is your favorite pic from ROSE teasers? #SHAREBAP

Nothing more needs to be said:

I’ll tag my lovelies @feelsogukk  @unorthodox-senpai​ @gotinspirit @jamless-daejae @daehdream @vikka-chan ~ You just pick 10 random Qs from the post above. Feel free to ignore esp if you’ve done it already lol (Takes a long fuckin time but it was fun!)