#mystic messenger angst

[hecalledme-jagi]

hi! i'm so upset after picking up mystic messenger again so i wanted to ask if you could do a zen x MC hc, but they're both aware that they are in different dimensions and will never be together... but they see each other in their dreams!!

(Bruh I wrote this a yr ago and completely forgot about it. Sorry Anon ;;;)

Anon, you hurt me so T_T I love the angst, but why!? ＿|￣|○

I am a weak, weak, woman for Zen angst and now I must offer it to you and the rest of this fandom. I must break my heart for this man, AGAIN! For you, Anon, I will dive back into the depths of despair. On that note, I hope you enjoy, or feel sad(??).

Sorry for the delay, but fitting that I write Zen angst on my 6th MysMe Anniversary LOL

Zen and MC in Different Dimensions

- Zen could feel when you missed him. It’s a warm yet heartbreaking feeling that rests in his chest and stings in his eyes.

- You could feel Zen’s thoughts of you. They’re constant and lovely but left you melancholic and lonely.

- He knew when you were thinking of him or talking about him because suddenly everything appeared so much brighter.

- You knew when he longed for you because bright and unhindered smiles always seemed to paint your face.

- Sometimes he swore he could hear your voice and your beautiful laughter when he was going about his day.

- Sometimes his laughter was all you could hear and all you wanted to hear.

- Zen often wondered if you got the same feelings he did. Did your heart feel unbearably warm when he missed you? Did your world light up when he talked about you or thought of you? Did you hear his laughter and his voice throughout the day?

- The answer was yes, a thousand times over, with every ounce of love, joy, and sadness.

- And sadly, he would never know, but he knew one thing for sure, sharing dreams was something you both looked forward to.

- Knowing you could only reach each other in your dreams, made sleep the most treasured thing either of you could ask for.

- In those dreams, he could hold you and offer you the affections he couldn’t in the waking hours of the day. He’s created vast and beautiful worlds in those dreams, hoping each one would make your waking hours a little more bearable.

- He made sure that those dreams encouraged you to live in reality bc that’s where you truly belonged, but deep down he wished that sleep would never end and he could stay with you.

- On the hardest days, when his feelings of loneliness became more than he could take, when his insecurities raged and roared at him, when life got too difficult to bear; all he wanted was to sleep and be where you are.

- To feel your warmth and comfort, support and love.

- He wanted, so desperately, to bridge those distant dimensions for as long as possible, even if it became unhealthy.

- But what good would that do? He would only be dragging you down with him, and he could never do that to you.

- Furthermore, he knew, better than anyone else, that you would want him to continue living and perusing his dreams, the same way he wanted that for you.

- So, sleeping until you wake, would be enough.

- Holding you until morning came.

- Kissing you until daybreak.

- Sweet nothings until sunrise.

- Laughter until first light.

- Loving you, and you loving him, without limit or requisite.

- He would take his fill, searing ever inch of you into his memory. Filling his cup until it overflowed with you, hoping it would bleed into the day that followed. Hoping it would make up for the lack of you in his world.

- Hoping maybe one day that the yearning you shared would somehow turn the two dimensions into one, where he could finally have your scent cling to his clothes and melt into his skin. Where he could have you part of his life, morning, noon, and night. Where sleep wasn’t the only place he could find you. Where loving you beyond a screen and short lived dreams was no longer a wish, but rather something mixed with normalcy.

˚✧₊⁎𝒥𝑎𝑔𝑖𝑎⁎⁺˳✧༚

I do not own any characters, all ownership goes to Cheritz. Thanks for reading!

[breaddwoo]

-Reset Button-

pairing: jumin han x mc

desc: events after jumin's bad ending where mc drumps out of a window ;(

warnings: suicide 💀

a/n: anyone who plays this game is depressed and a masochist

jumin's happiness is gone. it had fallen out the window and splattered 60 stories below.

he didn't even want to look. he was going to puke. vial acidic liquid crawled up his throat like a demon as he fell to his knees.

it was all v's fault. he distracted jumin. no. you know why this happened. it's all because she couldn't understand the tangled threads inside him. it's because i didn't know how to love her properly. it's all v's fault. it's my fault. if only she understood him. if only i'd let her go.

jumin wiped brown fluid that dripped down his chin; the stain forever imprinted on his thousand-dollar suit. he would never get it cleaned.

v was yelling and people were screaming outside, but jumin understood none of it. the sounds phased together, his eyesight went fuzzy. tears? have i ever cried?

as a child, maybe, but this was different. those tears were shed for broken toys; these were for a vanquished love.

he began to stand, wobbling. v tried to help him up but jumin slapped his hands away, as if they burned him. he couldn't even look at v, or her, or anyone.

as he stumbled his way to the nearest elevator, he began to cry. first it was a few silent tears, then salty streams slid down his cheeks until he was sobbing.

heavy, throat filled sobs that made him choke on the saliva bubbling in his mouth. the elevator music felt patronizing. he sobbed harder.

when the elevator made it to the lobby, he could already see the crowd outside. how dare they make her a spectacle?

he began running for the automatic doors. they opened far before he made it close, as if a small gesture of pity for what he was about to see.

his vision was blurry and he saw red. red on the sidewalk, red on the plants outside. red on her clothes.

jumin crudely shoved people aside. he could already hear the wailing sirens of the vehicle that would pronounce her dead.

his first thought upon sight of her was: she's beautiful.

he could not see her face, and he did not want to. jumin knew it wouldn't be the face he fell in love with. it probably wouldn't be there at all.

he felt the threads that she had unraveled begin to fester and tangle once more; only this time they were so entwined that he felt they would snap.

the memories of what happened next were hazy. crying, sobbing, weeping, wailing. petting skin that was dangerously cold. threatening people with a stretcher.

v watched jumin cry, his expression unreadable as jumin could not make it out through his tears.

once the people had stolen her away and jumin was sat back in his penthouse, the world felt deadly quiet. everything he looked at was grey. grey bed, grey closet, grey hands. these grey hands held hers only a day before, when her skin was warm.

if only there was a reset button.

[anon-drabble]

wake up

whoops, got bit by that inspiration bug again.

some good old seven angst because why not lol. similar to the reset theory but also inspired by a few other sources that talk about multiple universes.

ao3 | ko-fi | twitter | masterpost

When will she wake up?

Once more, Saeyoung reset the app. One more time. Surely, she’d remember. This time, she would. 

He’d been repeating that with every reset. Every time the data was erased, he said those words to himself. Every time, he wished. But so far, she remained unaware. Maybe someday she would remember everything and remember him. But maybe she wouldn’t. That didn’t matter, though. He’d promised her that he would never stop trying. And she promised that she would remember him. It had been so long ago now, he almost forgot how she looked that day. 

Everything had gone wrong. Mint Eye had won, Rika had finally managed to get her wish. For everyone to be happy. But it wasn’t real. It was all through her elixir and that wasn’t true happiness. 

Saeyoung was in the prison with you. You two were the only ones left of the RFA. Unknown (who you now knew was Saeran, Saeyoung’s long-lost twin) had taken great joy in prolonging the torture Saeyoung was made to endure. At first, V had been there and had tried to save you and the rest of the RFA. But he’d been too late. In an ironic twist of fate, he simply hadn’t seen the signs in time. He was dead now. You and Saeyoung had witnessed it, watched the blood pool as his body went limp, as it slowly turned ashen. The floor of your cell was still stained with V’s blood. Saeyoung was kept in a separate cell beside yours. His stone floor was also stained but it was mostly his own blood now. Among other things. But he hadn’t been broken yet. Neither had you. You wondered if perhaps Rika and Saeran were going easy on you for some reason. After all, you had watched as one by one, each of the RFA members were taken and they slowly lost their minds. Became just another of Rika’s drones. Some of them took longer than others but eventually, they had all succumbed. At first, everyone had worked together to come up with plans for escape. But as their minds cracked, it grew more and more difficult. Saeyoung now was the only one left except for you. 

“I think tonight’s the night,” he murmured. You imagined him in his cell, on the floor, hunched over in pain from Saeran’s most recent attack. You were unhurt but Saeyoung was nursing at least a few broken bones, more bruises and cuts than you could count. You had no idea how he was even still alive. Whenever you saw him being dragged out of his cell, he had dried blood everywhere, his hair matted in clumps from it. 

You pulled your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them. “Did he say something?” 

“No. But I saw the room set up for another ‘recruit’. I think it’s your turn.” 

That meant you wouldn’t be coming back this time. They’d turn you, just as they had all the others. You knew it was coming. Rika spoke of you often, boasting about how she’d use you. She had already used you once, leading you to that apartment. That was when you had met the RFA. You had no idea at the time that it was her apartment. But it had all been a trap, meant to lure the RFA to Mint Eye, back to Rika’s embrace. 

“What should I do?” you whispered in the darkness. 

“There’s nothing you can do. Not this time,” Saeyoung replied. 

“‘This time’?” you echoed. 

“I think… I think I have an idea. It won’t stop anything in this world. I think it’s too late for us. But this might not be our only existence. I think I can save us next time.” You heard him shuffle over. His hand reached through his bars towards your cell. One of his fingernails had been ripped off. You clasped his hand as well as you could from your cell. 

“Then we don’t have to say goodbye.” You weren’t entirely sure if you believed in other universes but he was trying to give you hope. And probably to give himself hope as well. That was in short supply these days. 

“Right,” he said. You imagined him smiling a little. You squeezed his hand and heard him wince but he squeezed yours in return, reassuring you. “This time… I couldn’t save you. But I won’t fail you ever again.” 

“You didn’t fail me,” you started to say, but he interrupted. 

“I found a way to save us. Not our physical bodies but ‘us’. Our psyche, personality, spirit, whatever you want to call it. I can save those so that next time…” 

“We can win?” 

“Right. We can stop this. We can…save everyone. And we can be together…” He trailed off. 

“How?” you asked. 

“They left me my phone. I think they meant it to hurt me more, to make me remember how I’d messed everything up. But I made something. A program. If there are other worlds out there, it can transfer us. And we can stop this.” He sounded almost excited now. Despite everything, you smiled. He was always happiest when he was working on something outrageous. Even now, at the end, he still had that side of wonder to him. 

“What do I do?” 

He hesitated. “Nothing. Once your mind here is gone, it will transfer to another you somewhere else.” 

“What about you?” You dreaded hearing his answer. 

“It will be the same. Once I’m…gone, I’ll transfer. I can save you then.” 

“There’s something you’re not telling me.” You could hear it in his voice. 

Again, he hesitated. “You might not…remember everything. I tried to save everything but there are some holes that I can’t fix.” 

“I won’t remember you? I don’t want that. I don’t want to forget you, Saeyoung!” you cried. 

“Try to remember. At the end. Just think of me, okay? It will help me bring more of you over. Just think about me.” 

You wiped a tear from your cheek. “I’ll remember you. I promise,” you said. 

“And I’ll bring you back. All of you. And we’ll be safe.” 

“Together,” you said. 

“Together,” he answered. 

It wasn’t until later that night that some cultists came to collect you. You were dragged from your cell. Saeyoung was at his bars, watching you. You could see him crying. You were crying, too. “I promise. I’ll remember,” you said again as you were ushered from the prison. You thought of him as they poured the elixir down your throat. You remembered his laugh. His cosplay. His self-hatred. You thought of how much you loved him. Even as the elixir was forced into your mouth, dribbling out the corners, you thought of Saeyoung. You thought of the times you’d had with him, short though they had been. You thought of his voice. His hand. His hair. His glasses. You thought about him. You thought…

The familiar screen and code flashed on his screen. Sometimes, it felt like she did remember. She said all the right things, she didn’t fall victim to Mint Eye’s traps. Sometimes she still loved him. But it wasn’t all of her. She never remembered their other lives. He almost didn’t want her to. He didn’t want her to know how he had been unable to save her, how he had been forced to watch her be carried away. At least she would never know what she had been made to do to him afterwards. That would remain locked in his own mind. But wouldn’t it be better for her if she didn’t wake up? If she didn’t have to experience those days again, even as a distant memory? But he had promised her. 

And she had promised him. And someday, that life she had promised was waiting for them. Where they would be safe and together. Even as the reset code scrolled by, he longed for that day more than anything. He wasn’t exactly the same him that he had been. This Saeyoung had never been tortured by his brother, not really. But the memories were as strong as though they had happened. He wasn’t the same him and she hadn’t yet been the same her but once she woke up, then they could be. They would be themselves again fully. 

Because Saeyoung could never truly be himself when he didn’t love you.

[ynverse]

kingtsugi 

SAERAN x gn! reader | angst

a/n: kingtsugi (n. japanese origin): the art of repairing with gold. warnings?metaphors involving cuts (no vivid description or s/h, just brief mentions of being cut on something

saeran choi was a man broken in ways you’ve never seen before. a man who never even knew he was broken until the final pieces holding him up shattered beneath him. he was like a plate that was used even after being chipped, the damage gradually building until the chip was a line through the center. then a crack at the edge…then a shatter on the ground. he needed someone to pick him up but who would want to risk picking him up when they may become cut up in the process? who would want to spend hours searching for the pieces that were no longer visible to human eyes? who could pick him up and put him back together when he never noticed the cracks? saeran went from being perfectly normal - according to himself - to something that was no longer human but a husk of what once was.

despite that, saeran knew he could always rely on you. if the cuts could be seen, your heart would be littered with them and the small pieces that you have already tried to pick up. you didn’t give up, no matter how hard he tried to push you away. he couldn’t risk hurting you — someone who was much too kind for their own good. you always told him that he can be better than he was before a crack even appeared. comparing him to the art of kintsugi, saying the scars would be littered with gold flakes that represented his pure heart. yet night after night, you would show signs of sadness all because of him. he never meant to push you away at first or make you upset but he understood why you were.

he lashed out at times and had triggers he never knew existed, his words laced with the poison he himself was forced to ingest. saeran felt venomous. he felt like he kept injecting toxins into your heart and it would only be a little longer before it was enough to cause irreversible damage. and yet you still showed love and admiration towards him - a man who couldn’t even love himself. he didn’t deserve you. he repeated that in his head every time he made any kind of contact with you. it doesn’t matter what anyone tried to say, he could not risk hurting you. everyone he’s ever wanted to protect and love ends up hurt because of him and he didn’t want to let the list continue - so he blocked you after thanking you for everything.

he left the chat every time you would message, fled to converse with someone else whenever you approached, and asked his brother about you so he would know you were okay without asking directly. saeran choi was a broken man who did not want anyone to get cut cleaning his remains.

[shxtodxroki]

Hi hi everyone, now that school's coming back I'm gonna try to be more active on this account again, and I'm also opening up requests on this blog for a new anime, as well as a few otome games that I've gotten into this summer! Requests are now open for:

- Jujutsu Kaisen

- Mystic Messenger

- Obey Me

You can check out my request guidelines linked here to find out more, and requests are open so please feel free to send in requests for any fandoms I write for including these 3! :D

[kiichikonoes]

space wife

[dailysaeran]

Mystictober 2024 | Day 11: Doll / Heart

Ray's route, day 9, 16:56 VNM

[onlinekitsune]

LET ME IN: SAEYOUNG CHOI (PART TWO)

"make your way to me through the waves"

PAIRING, GENRE, WARNINGS ─ saeyoung choi x gnc!reader, not proofread, this is mostly comfort?? kinda just on saeyoung's side sorrryyy

SYNOPSIS ─ after a bit of an argument played out, between you. saeyoung returns back inside of the bedroom. unaware that you're actually awake, he begins to talk out his feelings.

WRITER’S NOTE ─ a handful of people requested a part two of the original!! which i honored and very gratful for!! i have a hard time liking my content, so when others tell me they enjoyed it, it means a lot! i tried my best with this but, kinda lost where i was going with it. again, a bit of dialogue is taken directly from the game. (day 8/9 iirc) i hope you enjoy! and again, thank you for all your kind words and support! i know i am off and on about posting content on here, but know that your words aren't just ignored!! so erm... anyways. do you think i could do a part three lmao

Your dreams were hard to recall as you continued to lay still in bed. Perhaps that was for the better, a dream about the argument prior or even recalling happier times in the chatroom would haunt you. You took a deep breath, not bothering to even open your eyes or get up. You felt exhausted, mentally and physically. It was ironic to you how crying provided the same effects as if you were to actually do something straining. Your hand slid through your sheets, blindingly guiding you to your phone. Before you could even reach it, you hear the door creak open. You laid completely still, unsure of what to do. Footsteps gently got closer, stopping as they reached right in front of you. The sound of fabric brushing against each other filled the room. Your heart raced, not sure what to expect. But you continued to stay still.

“You’re… asleep? Good.” Seven sighed, breaking the silence. He reached out his hand, brushing against the sheets. "You’re really quiet while you’re sleeping...” The room returned to its silence for a moment. You felt him lean his upper body on the bed, only being able to assume that he was kneeling before you. “You’re something, you know? I… must have hurt you by saying all those things, but you somehow manage to still be so bright. Even now. You remind me of the 707 I pretend to be in the chatroom. You have more in common with him than… Saeyoung.”

Your face slightly furrowed, hearing his voice become soft and vulnerable. You so desperately wanted to sit up and comfort him. But, you knew that if you did he’d immediately retreat. You continued pretending to be asleep, allowing him to continue. 

“Saeyoung is dark and pessimistic. His cold and complicated personality is the true me. I-I can’t wear the mask of the happy-go-lucky 707. I want you to realize that and be disappointed. I’m not a fun and cool person. I can put you in danger. So, don’t waste your feelings on me. I know telling you this won’t stop you. You’re so strange.” He continued. Hearing him talk bad about himself made your heart ache. If only he knew. If only he could see himself from your perspective. His hand hovered over yours before gently placing it on top, dissipating your thoughts. His touch was gentle, as if any friction could cause you to crumble beneath his fingers. “No, it's not you that's strange. It’s me. You’re actually… so nice and warm. You know, I… I sometimes dream about you accepting the real me. It’s a ridiculous dream, I know. But, thank you for allowing me to dream, at the very least.” His thumb brushed against the back of your hand before slipping away. 

The silence filled the room again, accompanied by your heartbeat in your ears. The weight on the bed returns to how it was, as he gets up. “Please, remember in your dreams that you can’t trust V… or even me. Be less nice to me, so that when I disappear, you won’t be hurt. Don’t trust anyone, and promise me you’ll stay safe. Allowing me to protect you is more than enough. It’s more than I deserve. It’s enough for Saeyoung.” He uttered, slowly turning away from you. You snuck a glance, seeing that he was now facing away from you but stood still.

“Saeyoung.” You let out, softly. You shifted from the bed, sitting up against the headboard. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just leaving-”

“Saeyoung. Please. Just wait a second.” You pleaded, looking up at him with soft eyes. He winced, hearing his name come from you a second time. He took a deep breath, and turned around to face you. He kept a straight face, but you could see the ache in his eyes. “Can we sit and talk?” You added. He hesitated, but ultimately gave in. He sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor.

“So, I can assume you heard everything?”

“I…Yes, I did. I didn’t want to pretend to be asleep but, also didn’t want you to run off.” you answered, grabbing onto your wrist. Your gaze met him as he turned his head to look at you. “Listen, I know how you feel. Pretending to be this happy-go-lucky person. I have experience with that, clearly. I don’t know how much you actually found out about me but… just know we have that in common, okay? I like yo-”

“Even if you say you like me, my life can’t embrace anything. You don’t know how it feels to live this kind of life. You shouldn’t be nice to me when you don’t know anything. The person you truly like is the 707 in the chatroom, just… forget about me. About this.” he interrupted, turning away from you. He was mere moments from leaving out the door, you felt it. And if he did, it’d return you back to where you were. In a moment of desperation, you bolted forward, hugging him from behind.

“Then please, help me understand the person in front of me…” You muttered, resting your head on his back. Saeyoung didn’t pull away, or even try to. He stood frozen, unable to comprehend what his mind was going through.

“You!” He let out, stunned. His eyes shut, slowly giving in to your affection. “Why are you doing this to me? You’re making this harder than it should. I live a dangerous life, one you don’t need to be involved in. I couldn't even protect my own brother… I have to abandon the person I adore. My life is good for nothing.”

“I’ve been through a bomb and a hacker, it’s a little too late for me to not be involved. I like the you that’s in front of me. Regardless of how complicated anything else is, I want to know you.”  

Saeyoung shook his head, taking a deep breath. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I… cherish you. I want to make you happy, but I can't! Why do you want to be with me when my life is so dangerous? Why do you… even like me?” He asked, his voice trailing off ever so subtly. You break off the hug, and sit beside him on the edge of the bed. 

“It’s more complicated than that. I can’t give a simple answer. I just like you, Saeyoung.”

“You’re impossible. What are you going to do if something happens to you because of me? What then?”

You gave him a soft smile, before reaching out to grab his hand. He didn’t bother to stop you, or even pull away. “No matter what happens, I won’t regret my feelings for you.” you uttered, now brushing your thumb across his hand. Another sigh, and again he shut his eyes for a moment. 

“I don’t know anymore. You’re so strange. I.. feel like i’m going strange too. No matter what I do… I can't seem to get rid of your feelings for me. Nothing good will happen by being close to me, you know. It’ll be too late to regret it later.” He muttered. You let go of his hand, placing it on his shoulder. You slightly tugged at him to turn. You two faced each other directly. You saw the sadness, the despair, the anguish in his eyes. Up close this time. 

“There’s no way I'll regret being with you, Saeyoung.” you softly replied, gently cupping his face. He stood there, as if he was afraid to touch you. To give into the affection. 

“You shouldn’t say that too easily. Ugh. I always told myself that I wouldn’t ever want to grow close to someone. But you’re making that so… complicated. I- I can’t believe you’re getting to me. Gods, what am I supposed to do now?” He asked, reaching to hold your forearms. You let out a soft breath, before leaning closer to him.

“First, just take some time and think about accepting my feelings. We can figure out the rest from there, alright?.” you answered, tilting your head slightly. You wanted to be his light, especially now.

“Alright… I’ll need some time.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait.”

[stxrrydreamss]

“Do you ever feel lonely?”

Warnings?: Fluff, angst, suggested breakup, and kissing

Summary: You are reninicising your first date after you two break up, thinking about how it came full circle.

“Do you ever feel lonely?”

I turned quickly toward the man standing next to me in my driveway. It was our first date, and I felt an overwhelming sense of security. I couldn't help but feel optimistic that he was the one for me. He said things I had always longed to hear, which I thought existed only in the fictional stories I enjoyed reading online. I had never imagined that I could experience such a moment in real life.

"Yeah, more than I'd like to admit," I replied softly, gazing toward the bug slowly making its way across the driveway below me.

"I can help with that," he whispered softly as his right arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me in closer. I felt the quick beating of my heart against my chest and a rush of warmth flooding through me. This sensation was new to me, but I fully welcomed it. Everything about him, our date, and his words felt like a beautiful dream. It was an entirely new experience for me, and it caught me off guard.

As time passed by, he held me close, and we leaned against a nearby vehicle in the driveway. The stars twinkled in the night sky above us while the calming notes of "Star Shopping" by Lil Peep filled the air. Our quiet conversations felt like a reunion of close friends, covering a wide range of topics.

In a quiet, unexpected moment, he softly asks, "May I kiss you?"

I usually don't kiss on the first date, but that evening everything just felt so right. I felt a strong sense of trust and comfort with him, and his affection made me feel completely at ease.

An anxious 'Y-Yeah,' escaped my lips as I felt a rush of intense emotions in my chest, causing a slight tremble. I closed my eyes in nervous anticipation as he tenderly placed a hand under my chin, lifting my head to meet his gaze before his lips softly pressed against mine. It wasn't a hungry kiss, but rather one filled with undeniable passion, igniting a desire for more. In that moment, I realized that I was completely captivated by him. As we parted, a giddy smile spread across my face, and I couldn't help but wrap my arms around him, resting my face against his chest before tilting my head up to look at him.

His words brought me so much comfort, "You are truly adorable, especially with those beautiful eyes," he said with a gentle chuckle. Then, he kindly kissed my forehead.

I still hold the memory of a love that once captivated my heart, but as with all beautiful experiences, it eventually came to an end. The aftermath left me feeling deeply abandoned, more so than I had ever felt before.

Eren, Armin, Jean, Hawks, Aizawa, Gojo, and Geto.

[pochipop]

＃MYSTIC MESSENGER !! ♡ — TALK ME DOWN (JIHYUN (V) X READER).

#. synopsis! — when things feel like they might come undone, jihyun doesn't have to deal with it alone anymore .

#. characters! — jihyun (v).

#. warnings! — vague references to past traumatic events (canon compliant) , non-graphic depictions of trauma responses .

#. word count! — 1.2k .

#. alt accounts! — @ddollipop (nsfw) @hhoneypop (moodboards) .

#. others! — navigation & masterlist .

Jihyun craves control in what feels like a necessary manner. He doesn’t like to have things thrust upon him without warning, doesn’t like to be out of the loop. It’s a matter of security, and that's why he scrambles to understand things at their very core. Even when he asks questions more than once, try to give him some leeway. He doesn’t mean to be overbearing or distrustful, —he simply craves details down to the marrow. It’s a tool he’s found that soothes his worries, and it’s a small price to pay for his peace.

“I’m sorry, it doesn’t seem like we have a reservation for that name,” the young woman at the front of the restaurant apologizes.

“Are you certain?” Jihyun asks, —and you can feel his grip tighten on your hand a bit, even as his tone remains incessantly polite. “I booked a table over a month in advance for our anniversary. . .”

She flips through the little booklet on the desk again, pursing her lips before shaking her head.

“I’m not sure what happened, but there’s unfortunately no tables available for this evening,” she replies. “You’re welcome to stay for a bit and see if anyone misses their reservation time, but that’s the best I can do. I’m very sorry.”

“That’s okay,” you assure her.

It’s not like she has anything to do with it. She’s just doing her job, and whatever happened, it likely wasn’t even her mistake to remedy. Moreover, it’s not like this was the end of the world. A block over there was a nice little steakhouse serving roughly similar menu items, and you’d been there on dates with Jihyun before. It might even be nice to go back and spend your second anniversary with him in a more familiar and welcoming place. . . But he felt like his head was swimming by the time he made it back outside.

His grip on your hand was unusually firm, —not painful, but more desperate than it had been a few minutes prior, and you could feel his palm getting clammy. Jihyun had always been a calm and reserved man, the type that took a while to warm up to people. At least, that’s how you’d always known him to be. Jumin told you he was a bit less reticent once upon a time, that he trusted more freely and cared more forwardly. But that was before, and things have clearly changed, and much of that change came at him in a sort of insurmountable way. It wasn’t the kind of thing anyone could prepare for, and bizarreness aside, Jihyun had by no means been afforded all the opportunities to feel safe and secure.

“Hey,” you say softly, looking up at him, “are you alright?”

The breath he utters is shaky at best, and he finds it difficult to meet your eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he says quickly.

You barely catch the words as they spill past his lips in rapid succession.

He said them like he was sputtering out his final phrase, scared he might not have another chance to express it if he didn’t let it burst forth. 

“Sorry? —For what?” You ask, reaching up to cup his cheek in your free hand. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

When he looks at you, it’s like he’s seen a ghost. There’s a distant sense of fear and a few tears welling up, clumping together above his lashes.

“The table, it. . . I. . .” he tries, but the articulation doesn’t come to him.

He’s not sure what to say or how to say it, and he’s terrified of the fact that you’re being so calm, even when he knows he should be thankful for it. A part of him even thinks it might be easier if you just yelled and let him swallow your frustrations like the words he’s choking down. This gentleness is still foreign, even after all this time.

You walk with him a little ways, keeping your fingers laced with his. There’s a small community garden spot where everyone is free to come and admire the flowers, and it serves as an easy way to put some space between yourself and others strolling along the sidewalk.

“Jihyun,” you say, “it’s really okay. I’m sorry the reservation didn’t work out, but we can still have dinner down the block.”

But at this point, it’s less about any steak he’s missing out on and more about the fact that something has gone wrong in the first place. It’s out of his hands now, and he can’t stop thinking long enough to let himself drown in yours.

“I just wanted everything to be perfect,” he replies.

You kiss his frigid knuckles and look at him like he’s the only person in the world.

“I know,” you tell him. “And it might not help to say this, but I think you should know that it’s perfect to me anyway, no matter where we go. As long as I’m with you tonight, we can do anything, go anywhere, —I just love you, and as long as you’re here, I’m happy.”

Jihyun stills, and you can see the cogs turning behind his gaze, processing what you’ve said as if he finds it hard to believe. Sometimes, he forgets that this isn’t conditional. You know certain things linger longer than either of you would like, but it’s not really something he can help. Not right now. Two years doesn’t erase all the time he spent pining for forgiveness from all the wrong people in all the wrong places. Time hasn’t healed his wounds as well as he would have liked. They still pry themselves open and leave bloodtrails in his wake every now and again, and sometimes it gets on you.

He takes a breath and tries again.

“I booked the table,” he says firmly. “I remembered that you said you wanted to give the restaurant a try, but we could never find a good time, and I thought this would be the right occasion.”

You smile, because it’s sweet that he remembered such a small thing. It was a comment made in passing more than anything else, but he still cared enough not only to listen, but to keep it in mind.

“Thank you for trying,” you tell him in earnest. “But we can always book another reservation for another time.”

“It won’t be our anniversary for another year,” he explains.

“No, it won’t,” you agree, “but that’s okay, isn’t it? You brought me roses last month, and there was no special occasion for it.”

Jihyun purses his lips for a moment, then nods. He sees what you’re getting at, even though his disappointment is still palpable.

“You’re right,” he acknowledges.

“And you’re amazing,” you reply, pressing a hand against his warm chest.

He lets out a breath and pulls you closer, resting his chin on your shoulder. A wave of relief washes over you upon feeling some of the tension leave his body.

“I’m really sorry,” he says. “Things weren’t supposed to go this way.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” you insist.

“Yeah. . . Maybe. I just feel like it’s my fault,” he answers.

“It’s nobody’s fault,” you mumble, pulling away just enough to cup his cheeks again, hoping he won’t mind the mild shock of your free hand’s chill. “Sometimes things just happen.”

A part of him wants to argue, but he loses that urge the moment you brush your lips against his so tenderly. It’s the kind of softness he craves when he gets a little too wound up, and you can almost feel him melt into your embrace where he stands.

“Happy anniversary, Jihyun.”

He smiles, and it reaches his eyes.

“Happy anniversary, my love.”

[reifromrfa]

Mystictober 2024: Favorite Character/Hourglass

Hello, it's been a while (ᵕ—ᴗ—) I really missed the mysme universe and, though life is still busy, I'm trying to make time to do things I love; one of which is writing, even if I only write one fanfic per year lol XD

Sooo without further ado, here's a short fic based on this list by @sensetenou :)

P.S. I think tumblr broke my post, I can't add the "Keep reading" link after editing a typo ;A;

Vanderwood

He steps out of the cabin and takes a long, deep breath

It feels suffocating inside

With that damn 707, the girl, and their blue-haired friend...

Vanderwood ties his hair into a low ponytail and reaches for the pack of cigarettes in his pocket

Taking a stick, he lifts it to his lips

He pats his pockets for his lighter and mutters a curse under his breath when he realizes he left it inside

With a frustrated groan, he turns around—

—and he freezes

Standing before him, a nervous smile on her face, was the girl

MC

"You left this inside, I thought you could use it," she says, holding out the lighter to him

His throat feels tight and Vanderwood can hear the loud drumming of his heart against his ribcage

It takes every bit of his strength not to reach out and pull her into his arms

MC tucks her hair behind her ear, outstretched hand wavering as Vanderwood stood there staring at her

He clenches one hand into a fist

Then slowly relaxes his hand, his shoulders drooping as he resigns himself to the fact that she'll never recognize him

And it was all his fault

"Thanks," he mutters, cigarette still between his lips

He holds out his hand, expecting her to drop the lighter onto his palm

But the girl looks up at him and then lights the device, holding it close to his lips

Instinctively, he leans closer before he could even stop himself

As MC focuses on lighting the end of his cigarette, he can't help but stare into her eyes

At the reflection of the flames in them

"Maybe it's the fire in your eyes that I love, baby."

"Because it matches yours?"

"Hahaha MC, baby, I don't think my fire even comes close to yours."

"It's because got this fire from you, baby. You're the one who inspires me to be bold and brave."

MC takes a step back, smiling at him

Vanderwood takes a step back too, looking away from her

Blinking away the memories he so desperately wants to cling to

"Thanks," he mumbles, taking a long drag

Allowing the poison to fill his lungs before blowing a puff of white smoke away from where MC stands

"Umm...so..."

He glances at her

She has her hands clasped together in front of her

Then she bows to him, which startles Vanderwood

"Thank you so much for helping us save him."

Him

That V guy

Her current route

"Hey, don't worry about it," he replies, rubbing the back of his neck

He doesn't want to hear this

He doesn't want to listen to her talk about how much she loves that man

Because she once felt that way about him, too

MC straightens and grins at him

"I mean it. You saved his life and I hope I can repay your kindness one day."

Vanderwood waves a gloved hand dismissively, pulling the cigarette from his lips

"If I didn't do it," he forces himself to say. "707 would be distracted and he'd stop doing his damn job and we'd both be fucked."

She gives him a look that says she doesn't buy a single word out of his mouth

"Even so, without you that elixir might've brought more harm to him...Whatever your reasons, I'm really grateful to have you here, Vanderwood."

A mixture of feelings erupt from his chest, despite all his efforts to smother them

The bloom of hope, the scathing pang of hurt

Despair in the knowledge that she'll never recognize him ever again

Vanderwood looks to the door that leads back into the cabin, unable to meet her eyes

"You really care for him, huh?" he asks, careful to keep his feelings hidden

"Do you love me, MC?"

"Yes," she answers, her voice full of emotion

Vanderwood's brows furrow as he puts the cigarette back to his lips, turning his back to MC and choosing to gaze up at the stars instead

Here, out in the middle of fucking nowhere

Away from the city lights

They can actually see the starry night sky

Out here, away from the hustle and bustle of the city, everything is quiet

He can hear the grass and leaves rustling from the gentle night breeze

Hear the crickets and owls

Hear his own heart breaking all over again

MC moves to stand beside him but Vanderwood doesn't dare look at her

He keeps his gaze up at the stars, remembering his promise to her

"It's beautiful out here, right?"

"It's only beautiful because you're here, baby."

I don't have the right to call her that anymore

He lost that right when he gave her up

But it wasn't because he didn't love her anymore

No...

He doesn't think it's possible to love anyone else but her

His MC

But when MC only chose his route, over and over again

When he and MC found a way to be together —breaking through the codes and the walls

Breaking the impossible

...the system found a way to keep them apart

"NO!" Vanderwood yells, holding MC in his arms

She's not moving, her eyes closed, her breathing shallow

His big hand envelops her smaller one as he cradles her to his chest, tears rolling down his cheek as the red stain on her clothes start spreading

"Baby, stay with me, baby. Please. I'll get you to a hospital, MC. Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Don't leave me, MC. Please. Please!"

He tries to lift her into his arms, but he hears the cock of guns and he protectively holds her close, glaring at the men in suits surrounding them

Each one with guns trained at the couple

A lone woman in a suit approaches them, her face expressionless as she gazes at Vanderwood and MC

"This could have been avoided, had she not foolishly jumped in front of you."

"You fucking bitch!"

Still, the woman remains impassive

She steps forward, closer to where Vanderwood and MC are

"You can save her, you know."

Vanderwood glares at the woman, but she continues

"I offer you the choice, ██████ ███," she says, lifting her hand and opening her palm

Over it, a hologram of an hourglass appears and becomes solid

"Return to the game and reset the clock. Go back to the beginning and undo what has been done. Or..."

The woman's eyes go to MC's pale form

"...live with your reality."

Return to the game...rewind time?

"If I do that...reset the game," he begins through gritted teeth. "She'll live? She'll be okay? She'll...be happy?"

"Yes. But she'll forget about you. And, to prevent a repeat of your insolence, we're removing your route from the game. We'll take your name, ██████ ███, your identity, your story...she will be happier this way, believe me."

Vanderwood's head snaps up, his eyes widening

Then...that means...

No.

"What the fuck?! If I fucking agree to this, then—"

Then I'll lose her forever

"You're losing her now, ██████."

He tenses and looks back at his girl, whose eyes flutter open slightly

She shakes her head, those beautiful eyes filled with tears

"No...don't."

"Shhh, it's okay, MC. It's gonna be okay," he whispers, his heart twisting painfully in his chest

The answer is obvious...so fucking obvious

He's the one who broke the game, who defied all the rules and brought this shit onto her life

He's the one who put her in danger in the first place...

"Mi███n...please," she pleads in a soft voice, panicking at what she sees in his eyes

"I'd rather die, having lived my life with you than live the rest of my life without you."

Vanderwood chuckles sadly, leaning down and pressing his lips to hers

He presses his forehead to hers, holding her close to him

One last time

"MC, baby..."

"I love you so damn much."

"There's not a single day of my life where I won't be loving you, MC."

"You're my North Star...you'll always be my home, you'll always be the light in my life."

"That's why I have to say goodbye."

"I can't...I can't live in a world without you, baby."

"I'm sorry...this is so fucking selfish of me, but I'm just a character in a game."

"You are REAL."

She sobs and winces, reaching out and cupping his cheek despite the pain

"You're real to me, ██nj█n."

He smiles and kisses her again

"Even if your mind doesn't remember me," he whispers between kisses

"I hope your heart won't forget me."

The woman, watching the two lovers, turns the hourglass

Around them, everything slowly fades into dust

Vanderwood smiles at MC, tears streaming down his cheeks as he memorizes all the details about her

MC holds onto him with the last of her strength, panic coursing through her body

She doesn't want this, she doesn't want to leave him

"Hey, lady," Vanderwood tells the woman without looking at her

"I have one favor to ask. Please."

"Yeah," Vanderwood replies to MC, keeping his gaze trained at the brightest star in the sky

"It's beautiful."

"Vanderwood..."

He turns to look at her and sees a confused expression on her face

"Have we...?"

The door suddenly bursts open and Seven comes out, a smile on his face

"He's awake!" he informs MC

A smile spreads across her face and she bows again to Vanderwood

"Thank you, Vanderwood!"

She runs inside and he watches her go, swallowing the lump in his throat

Guess he'll have to get used to this

Watching her from afar as she runs into the arms of another man

A man that will never be him, ever again

"After all this time?"

Vanderwood rolls his eyes, blinking away the hurt and pain and arranging his expression into one of annoyance

He turns his back on Seven, putting his cigarette back between his lips

"Aww c'mon. This is the perfect time to re-enact that scene from Garry Potted!"

"Go back to fucking work, Seven."

Seven stares at Vanderwood's wide back, a sad smile on his face

Even though Vanderwood isn't aware of it, Seven actually knows who he is

What he's been through

After all...Vanderwood isn't the only one working on breaking the game's code

Working on ending the reset system, once and for all

Seven wishes he could do more to comfort his friend

But instead, he goes back inside and sits on the couch

Cracking his fingers, Seven focuses his gaze on his laptop screen

"Hang in there, Minjun. We'll get out of this one."

"Promise."

・・・・☆・・・・☆ ・・・・

If you're reading this, thank you so much for reading my fic ;w; I hope you enjoyed it <3

P.S. Minjun is a name I made for Vanderwood, but it's not official or anything! Still hoping and praying Cheritz makes a route for him ;w;

Check out my other Mysme writings here!

Mango Shake/Ko-fi is always very much appreciated (ᵔᴥᵔ)

[hecalledme-jagi]

The Ponderings of a Man In Love

I've had this FanLore for Zen strewing in my brain for a little over a year and finally decided to write it out into a one shot!

Enjoy!

What does it mean to experience first love? 

Zen wondered as he watched you doze off beside him to the sound of a movie you both had forgotten about halfway through. He smiled to himself softly, gently brushing away a strand of hair that had fallen over your face, planting a tender kiss on the top of your head. The comforting gesture caused you to snuggle further into his side, cozy and loved. Treasured and wanted.

Zen often thought about the meaning of first love when he was with you. He always felt a pang of guilt over dating other girls before you, even if you weren't bothered by it. He knew you were his yesterday, today, and tomorrow--his dusk and dawn. His moon and stars--leaving him with the fact that you weren't his first, which felt wrong in every way imaginable. So there he sat wondering, and really pondering, what it meant to experience first love. Had he experienced it before? If so, that idea devastated him, leaving his heart aching, poking, splintering, and desperately wanting your comforting. Hoping all his wondering meant nothing. 

He snuggled in close, soaking in your warmth, soothing his self-inflicted wounds, nuzzling your hair, blinking back the sting of tears.

Slowly he doze off to the sound of your steady breathing, calming his anxiety. Slowly learning to bask in the simple pleasures of a quiet evening. 

His breathing steadied, finding rhythm with your own, and in complete unison, your chests rose and fell. 

He found his peace in his small basement apartment.

But absolutely and entirely, he found his peace here with you.

And in his slumber, there came a dream. Or, more accurately, a nearly forgotten memory.

Zen was younger here, much younger than you knew him now. His hair barely reached past his shoulders, fashioned into something of a mullet. His leather jacket just a size too big, but in a year's time, it would fit him perfectly. And he stood in a place filled with familiarity. His secret mountain hideout. The view was the same as it had always been, and somehow, that comforted the young boy, here now, and the man he would come to be. 

The cold evening air nipped at his cheeks and nose, a gentle breeze passing through his hair with the faint smell of cigarette smoke. Following the scent with his eyes and nose, he found a scene this young boy very well knew but was far from the scene his adult counterpart adored. There stood a girl who simply wasn't you.

Ji-an, a younger, much more boyish Hyun, recognized with an air of giddiness coating his thoughts, and in like manner, she was viewed with rose-tinted glasses. 

He admired her long black hair as it gently swayed in the passing breeze, her sharp and unusually dark eyes staring down at the view he found so much comfort in, reflecting nothing of the setting sun or the city lights flickering on one at a time. And her lips turned in a slight frown with a lit cigarette in hand. Ji-an was a girl made entirely of mysterious beauty, and for a long time, Hyun might've considered her the most beautiful girl he'd ever met. She was in the same gang as Zen, that's how they had met. She was older than him, but only slightly, maybe sixteen or seventeen. She was a force to be reconned with, a calm before a storm. Freedom and rebellion. Anger and desperation. Loneliness and devastation. But other than that, she was a total mystery. Hyun never knew more about her than she let him see, and maybe that was part of why he clung to her so helplessly. Or maybe it was because he envied her and how free she seemed to be. Maybe he wanted to live reckless abandoned where he was allowed to be who he wanted to be, the way Ji-an seemed to. Or maybe it was because bad habits always seemed more attractive than good ones at the start.

Ji-an sucked on her cigarette, holding the smoke in her throat until it burned. 

“You know,” she began as she turned to look at Hyun, “I think if we had met before everything hit the fan, I would’ve fallen in love with you for real.”

Hyun watched and admired the rugged elegance she exuded. Marvalling, despite how her words cut him deeply. His heart secretly wondering--when will anyone ever truly love me?

“For one thing, you’re a real looker,” she leaned in and kissed Hyun's lips softly, leaving the faintest taste of cigarette smoke and strawberry lip balm on the tip of his tongue. 

Is that all I'll ever be? A pretty face barely worth loving? Another secret wonder he wouldn't discover until much later.

“You’re not so bad of a guy either,” she reached out, with her free hand and gently played with the fringe that hung over his forehead. “If I wasn’t so damaged, I’d probably be able to appreciate that heart of yours,” she poked his chest playfully and with a tone of self-mockery, sucking another puff of cigarette tar into her lungs. 

“But instead, here I am, giving you cigarettes, beer, and bad memories,” she scoffed. 

Hyun took a step closer to Ji-an, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with her. He peered into her face, hoping to read the meaning in her words by seeing her expression more clearly, but there was nothing he could see. Her eyes continued to stare dispassionately at the scenic view, and not for a moment did she meet his searching gaze, nor did she acknowledge his presence at her side. Instead, her brow furrowed, and irritation fizzled in her vacant eyes.

"We shouldn't have met," she said, tossing her cigarette onto the ground and stomping it out under her boots. 

Hyun felt his heart drop.

Ji-an turned on her heels and walked towards her motorcycle.

"W.. wait! Ji-an, where are you going?" He called.

There was no answer except the loud roar of a motorcycle engine starting.

"Ji-an!"

She paused, looking towards Hyun, with more emotion in her eyes than Hyun had ever seen before, "Get out of here. Become something." 

And that was it. 

She rode off, the rumbling of her motorcycle fading the farther she got. And Hyun could only watch, confused, lost, and entirely too alone for a boy his age.

Zen jolted awake, beads of cold sweat running down his back and his heart dropping into his stomach, leaving his chest feeling hollow and unbearably lonely until he heard you.

"Hyun?" you said, coming back into the living room with a glass of water, "Are you okay?"

He looked at you, and the frenzy in his eyes became calm. A deep breath entered his lungs, and it was exhaled smoothly.

And that's when his wondering all made sense. 

Zen realized it then as his hysteria calmed at the mere sight of you. He knew then that perhaps in all possibility, before you came and before he had forgotten what life was like in your absence, he would've considered Ji-an his first love experience. And in some way, maybe she was. Maybe she was his first love, but that thought didn't seem to bother him so much anymore. Because maybe love was more about changing than firsts and lasts. 

(Although, admittedly, he was perfectly enchanted by the idea that you would be his last. You would hold all his ending chapters, and perhaps, that was far more important than keeping all his opening phrases.)

Ji-an encouraged his flaws but neglected his strengths. He knew now that they were bad for each other, beasts ravenously hungry for love and acceptance. In love with their shared self-pity. Wanting each other because of the addictive nature of cigarettes, loving the nicotine clinging to their clothes and mingling in their mouths. Loving the faint taste of strawberries after every kiss that made the bitter taste of tobacco seem pleasant and sweet. But even still, she inspired his drive for freedom.

And you? You came and captivated him.

You nurtured his strengths and loved his flaws, and for that, he loved you, but as his feelings began to grow, he wanted to be better for you. He wanted to change. So maybe, just maybe, it was for the best that you came at this moment in his life. You came at the point in his life when he still had room to grow but was mature enough to treasure you wholeheartedly. Perhaps now was the best time to love you--not to say it was the only time he could love you, nor was it the perfect time, for he knew that if he had met you ten years ago or ten years from now, he'd be ready to love you precisely and honestly--so now as Zen looks at you, finally finding his moment of lost peace, he realizes that all this wondering about "first love" was for not because all that matters is that he loves you.

Zen nods, gently grabbing at your waist and pulling you in. He rests his forehead against your torso, hugging your waist tightly.

 "Never better, honey~"

˚✧₊⁎𝒥𝑎𝑔𝑖𝑎⁎⁺˳✧༚

I do not own any characters, all ownership goes to Cheritz. Thanks for reading!

[xelasrecords]

Secrets and Sacrifices

Han Jumin x Reader

NSFW

Jumin and you make sacrifices for the RFA. You don't know how much more you can take, but Jumin does not plan to let you out of his sight.

Secret Ending AU where the secrets drag on and relationships are more complicated.

TW: depression, self-harm, controlling behaviour

Words: 2.8k

Masterlist Read on AO3

Your friends are laughing around you. The restaurant lighting has dimmed, and the lambent glow from the candle on the table illuminates their happy faces. All of you are tucked into a padded leather sofa in the corner, the live music playing behind you.

You echo their laughter. It's the appropriate response.

Seven is sharing an outrageous tale, and Yoosung is his enraptured audience, constantly nodding and asking follow-up questions. Zen chides him for believing everything Seven says but still laughs along. Beside you, Jaehee reaches over you and sets the empty plates aside in anticipation of Seven's dramatic gestures.

Jumin is impervious to the racket. He swirls his wine and watches the advertising screen outside the window, the billboard flashing bright in the evening. His grey eyes are glazed, unfocused. He's missing V, you're sure. That's all he does, aside from worrying about you. Waits for V to contact him.

Languidly, you lay your head against the cushion. This should be a pleasant dinner, but there's a damper placed on your emotion valve. You've lost the means to conjure the excitement you once felt. The knowledge of missing them is not the same as feeling it.

You look down at the corduroy skirt that has ridden up to your waist, exposing more than half of your thighs. You dig your nails into them. Five seconds and release. Little scythes are imprinted on your skin. There, a feeling. You swipe your fingers through the indents with dull fascination.

Today is one of the rare days when you are cleared to venture outside without compromising security, but showing up here feels like a farce. You're playing puppet to prove that you're fine before being corralled back to Rika’s sterile shoebox apartment.

Jumin and Seven's dutiful little puppet, that's what you are.

When you glance up, you can feel the weight of Jumin's attention on you, intense gaze shifting from your lap to your neutral face.

You don't feel guilty. He will find out anyway.

You drag your skirt down and straighten your posture, the band sitting around your hips again.

"Is everything well?" Across from you, Jumin's smooth baritone voice rises above the peals of laughter and the increasingly loud music.

The chatter halts as your friends turn to you with a concerned expression.

You crack a smile. "I'm all right. Just tired." Jaehee squeezes your hand, and you pat hers with reassurance. The friendship you foster with this little group is built on thin ice, and long cracks have been crawling across the surface. "Let's go back, I have work tomorrow. So do all of you."

Seven's shrewd eyes flash at you before he grins widely at the others. "Except for Yoosung!" He pokes Yoosung's side, which earns him a light punch on his shoulder.

"A wise decision," Jumin says. "Everyone should get some rest."

"Easy for you to say." Zen glares at him. "I don't think I can sleep a wink tonight. My skin is ruined from all my lost beauty sleep." He sighs and turns to Seven. "Is there no progress on V's secret files?"

Seven pouts and shakes his head. "I'm still trying to break through the encryption walls, but Jumin can give me Elly to boost my motivation!"

Zen instantly sneezes and curses while Jaehee hurries to pass him a napkin.

An agent with a lifetime of diversion training. You hold back a scoff.

Jumin, Seven, and you are only shrouding yourselves with more secrets because you are determined to reach the same goal: Don't let harm come to the RFA. Don't share any information unless it's crucial. Not even Jaehee. Not yet. Let them live in the almost idyllic bubble as long as they can.

For a split second, Jumin seems as if he's about to scold Seven for the deliberate mispronunciation of his cat's name, but he shakes his head and calls for the bill instead.

Jumin has changed. You wonder how much he has to pay in unravelling V's secrets. If selling his peace is worth the members' peace. But you know what answer he would give. It has never been a matter of choosing for him. He will always protect the RFA.

He will always protect you.

Along with the others, you file out of the restaurant through its gilded swinging doors. Jumin immediately arranges their transport home and reminds them to inform their arrival in the chatroom. You pretend not to see Seven exchanging a calculating look with Jumin, his mask briefly slipping. You wait for your turn, but it never comes.

You have anticipated that, though.

Jumin places his hand on your lower back, his dark hair in slight disarray from the wind. You shiver. His touch still has the power to hold you together just as it has the strength to pull you apart. "Driver Kim is already on his way. You won't have to wait for long."

You nod and stare out the parking lot. Surveillance disguised as an act of chivalry. Since Seven stopped trusting V's contingency plans and revealed your address to the members, he and Jumin have worked together to keep you safe as you help them clean up the mess V left behind.

A familiar black car pulls up before you, and Jumin holds the backseat door open. You climb in, greeting Driver Kim before giving him your address. Jumin enters after and sits so close beside you that his trousers brush against your bare leg.

You press your thigh against him a little more.

Jumin gently caresses your knee, but there's a frown on his face. "Your address is already saved in my car navigation. Did you forget that?"

You have honestly forgotten. Thoughts slip around you these days. Try as you may to capture them, it's as if you have to squint through a lattice window to make out the memory fragments and piece them together. You get away with it most of the time, the fact that you struggle to pay attention.

But Jumin always pays too close attention to you.

"I remember now." You shrug.

Jumin isn't inclined to drop the matter. "I have picked you up more than once. If there's any problem with your memories, you should get it checked out. I will arrange a doctor's appointment for you."

"You're blowing things out of proportion."

The car starts to move. Driver Kim has polished his pretence of not hearing your conversation. He taps the radio screen, and a soft murmur floats through the small space.

Jumin's hand on your knee tightens into a grip, but not firm enough to hurt. "You have been forgetting a lot of things."

"Not when they're important," you say. "I won't compromise our mission, so lay off me. I can forget things. I'm human." You huff out a tired sigh. "Don't you have more things to worry about?"

His voice is constricted. "Do not presume other matters are more important than you."

"V?"

He draws his hand into his lap. "Both of you are of equal importance."

You stare out the window, yellow street lamps and glass towers sweeping past you. You're going back to a place that makes you want to scratch your skin loose. Your freedom is restricted to the apartment and wherever an RFA member accompanies you.

"I've watched the romantic drama you recommended," Jumin says after a few moments. "You're right, I did like it. It's curious how the man is always there to catch the woman when she falls. The distance and his human speed should've made it impossible."

At another time, you would have smiled at his endearing fascination and proclivity to pick apart a mystery until he understood it inside out. Now you glance at him without emotion. "Dramas operate by their own logic."

Jumin tries for a smile. "Nevertheless, it was sufficient entertainment to unwind after work. I must thank you for that."

"I'm glad it helped."

He shifts his body towards you. "How would you feel if I attempted to catch you when you fell?"

You purse your lips. "I won't fall around you."

"But if you do?"

You try to ponder over it, but it's like trying to break through rough currents that threaten to swallow you. The effort is exhausting. "You might not be fast enough," you say. "You're not armed with magical drama abilities."

"Then being there with you at all times would solve it." There's a hint of finality in Jumin's tone.

Of course.

You rest your head against the window, the glass cold against your temple. "That sounds impractical."

"It is better than watching the people I love lose themselves because they're too stubborn to ask for help."

Your lips tug up in the tiniest smirk. "Interesting. Han Jumin feels more than me. I never thought this day would come."

You glimpse at him, but he doesn't seem offended. How disappointing. You're right at the centre where his emotions are concentrated. You thought that would have included his anger.

"I would say it's concerning," Jumin says. "I know how that emptiness feels. If what you're experiencing is worse than that—"

"You'll force me to get treatment?"

His hands curl into a fist in his lap. "I'm not fond of coercion, but if you pose a danger to yourself, then I will do what I must."

You can't keep the irritation out of your voice. "Of course. Thank you for caring."

"I always care." Jumin's fingers hover near your cheek, and you think he's going to touch you, and you wait for him to—but he drops it to his side.

"And look how it ruins you."

Jumin dips his chin sharply. The shadow in the car obscures his expression, but you can make out the lines of exhaustion in the corner of his eyes. There is only so much he can put up with before it eats at him, always bracing for tragedy to befall everyone around him.

You're not supposed to be on the list of the people he wants to protect.

"Loving you doesn't ruin me. It's the best emotion I have ever felt." He runs his hand up your arm and pauses at the slope of your shoulder. "So let me care for you. Don't go. Don't go as far as V has."

You can't wrap your head around the driving force behind Jumin's obsession for your survival. You don't even care as much. It probably has something to do with how you can see right through him. He's attached to the validation you can offer him. You make him feel like a person. You're the only one who sees him as he is, now he can't let you go.

"V is your closest friend. He'll come back to you eventually."

"He won't," Jumin states flatly. "Rika is all he sees, and his range of vision has pathetically narrowed. You needn't bother with consolations. I know where my place is on his priority list."

Pressure burgeons within you like a fist thrusting into your ribcage and twisting your lungs. You hold on to the sensation, thankful to still be able to feel certain pains for Jumin. You wind your hand around his tie and press your lips somberly against his. He tastes of matured grapes and sweet memories long gone.

You have loved him until it ruined you too.

Jumin hooks his arm around your waist and pushes you against the car door, his other hand moving around the back of your head to soften the blow. His fingers trace down your ear and jaw before tilting your chin up and deepening the kiss.

His hand slides up the back of your thigh and toys with the lining of your panties. You hitch your leg up, allowing him to slide between you as he presses himself harder against you, his breathing harsh against your parted lips.

You can feel his need for you between your legs and you wish to satiate him, but it's as though your limbs and nerves are molten lead. You can burn him up with a single touch and you do it without feeling anything.

You want him, but the desire is cerebral.

Jumin pauses and pulls away when he notices your lack of fervour. He opens his mouth to apologise, but you grab his arms, feeling the lean muscles beneath the suit, and shake your head.

Not your fault.

He searches your face, then nods. This has happened before.

You don't know how you reached this point. You keep losing things that you can't afford to lose and you're tired of it. Your freedom, your fundamental need for Jumin. You don't know how to protect your senses from atrophying.

He smooths down your crumpled hair and blouse, murmuring, "I had expressed my wish not to be consoled, yet you still went against me."

"This is the only time I don't have to obey you."

Jumin stills. "I am not trying to restrict you."

"So if I ask you to stop monitoring my schedule and chaperoning me, either by yourself or someone you personally approve of, would you?"

He brushes your swollen lips with his thumb. "Can you promise me you won't get yourself killed if I decrease the security?"

"I promise." You straighten his tie to align it with the buttons and trail your fingers up his chest.

Jumin seems to consider it before shaking his head and chuckling. "You're a good liar."

You grip the lapels of his suit. "It's not up to me if the hacker decides to attack me."

"But you won't put up a fight either."

You let your hands fall and avert your gaze to the blur of passing cars behind him.

Jumin sighs. "It's only until we dissolve Mint Eye and you are safe from the threats that brought you here. Perhaps you would be happier and less inclined to throw self-preservation to the wind."

You clench your jaw and dig your nails into your thighs. Your life is getting smaller and smaller each day. There will always be another condition from him as your condition gets worse. Jumin will not stop. As long as the fight against Mint Eye goes on, you will always be under his extreme surveillance.

Jumin means well, you know it. You wouldn't have survived this long if he and Seven didn't force you to.

You carve your nails in with all your strength, clawing until they break your skin, but there's no blood. It's always harder when you mean to do it.

You don't want to be fixed all the time. Sometimes you want to shatter into pieces. Sometimes you feel safer when you're small.

"I can't breathe, Jumin," you say, desperation seeping into your voice.

He flicks his eyes down and wraps his hand around your wrists in an instant. "Stop doing that. Stop hurting yourself."

"This?" You laugh. "It's nothing more than you and Seven have been doing to me. I've always been willing to help you two with your plans, however immoral they are. I'd do them myself even without you. But I never gave you permission to track me like a prisoner."

His gaze turns hard. "You wouldn't let me if I asked."

"I'm the unhappiest I've ever been and you don't even care." You try to pull your hands away, but he won't budge. "You don't want me to be happy."

 "I deeply apologise. I never mean to cause you pain." His face contorts with guilt. "Please hold on a little longer. It will be over soon. V will provide us with an explanation, and things will return to how they were."

"You're naïve if you think it's that easy. This is not your drama with a fairytale happy ending."

"If I don't harbour hope in everyone's stead, what chance do we have in surviving?" Jumin says, and lets out a ragged breath. "We will get through this catastrophe. You can depend on me if you can't find the strength to go on. Just—stay with me. Do not leave."

You think you should cry. You can feel an emotion bubbling, blistering but never quite reaching its boiling point. It's frustrating. Breaking down under pressure is one of the most human things to do, yet the most you can muster is observational agitation.

Love changes things. He loves you and you're paying the price for it. 

You look at him with deadened eyes. "You have never made leaving possible, Jumin."

"Good," Jumin says, his voice terse. He doesn't let go of your wrists.

You sink into your seat, deep into the corner where the lights do not reach. There is a kind of loneliness that has grown into a corporeal shadow inside the cavity of you.

You yearn to make its existence known to someone.

You have no one to tell.

-

Footnotes:

I couldn't flesh these out due to fic length, but I want to get them out there anyway: 1) Reader isn't in therapy because Jumin and Seven aren't well-versed in mental health and Jumin thinks he's enough to fix her for now. She just doesn't care. 2) Jaehee is excluded from the secret subgroup because reader takes over her role in task execution and more.

I... didn't mean to write a dark Jumin or include canon plot elements. I feel like my fics lately are a "how dark can I make this" challenge. The initial idea was just Jumin being there for a lonely reader and it'd be wholesome and comforting, but it got worse through each draft. It had been satisfying to write.

I'd hoped my first fic with the big cast would be one where everyone's personalities are prominent, but apparently, I had to write it from a depressed reader's POV so everything is warped and muted instead. Maybe next time.

There's a paragraph that I reworked from my now inactive IG writing account c: I guess it's not plagiarism if you're copying yourself?

I like it when my MCs are a lil manipulative xoxo

The header concept is Jumin's obsessive surveillance, shown through the clear box tracking his eyes while the rest is blurred, and the toxic intimacy of how Jumin is the one who yearns more but they're separated by a thin yet impenetrable barrier. I was so happy that this clip fits my vision, with an Asian man at that! It's hard to find good free stock footage of Asians. And tap the GIF for better quality.

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[arteartema]

Feliz cumpleaños Jumin Han

Creo que es porque recientemente hice la ruta de V, pero terminé dibujando algo triste después de saber lo solo que se sentía Jumin sin Jihyun... quien ahora es mi menos favorito del juego ¡Incluso Yoosung me cae mejor!

[nek0mars]

//tw eye strain

ANOTHER REDRAW this time, angst

[mxsticmess]

something something the fear of being vulnerable