#lol this week almost killed me
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people are so funny and friendly and encouraging when you're buying a liter of vodka on a friday evening why can't it be like that on a Tuesday night too?? where were these vibes 2 daysago when i wasbuying booze rip lol
#tw alcoholic#tw alcohol#lol this week almost killed me#/ i almost killed someone#happy fucking friday#who wants to get blackout w meeeeeee#i hate everything and everyone i work with i have to put up w just to fucking make rent#would u look at that its drink-to-forget-0'clock#drunk thoughts#oh lord he's drunk again
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I gotta say. as much as I enjoy and find meaning in disability activism and advocacy. it is exhausting as hell to constantly have to be sitting in a room full of people who want you to justify why you and people like you deserve to have rights and/or opportunities
#just got out of a meeting that almost killed me dead I think#I feel so shit#and the worst thing is that I didn't even have the capacity to fight them on all the points I wanted to fight them on#so not only do I feel shit. I am also shit at my job! lol#anyway. whatever. there's always next week's meeting
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Papi, are you alive? Thunderbolts trailer leaked and we got Hailee back from the dead (and there's the movie with Andrew and Florence and its KYAU coded as fuck) Kate and Yelena content galor this week. PLEASE COME BACK. We've been deprived for a year. It's been jail for too long. Grace us with Kate x Yelena content again. Pretty please.
*taps mic* Is this thing on?
#i don't even know what compelled me to open this again tonight but this is a funny message to get today#man it really has been two weeks short of a year#hi#life has been.........interesting lol#and yes#I have seen all of the kate x yelena content and if you don't think I have fifteen million new AUs in my head in a year you don't know me#also like 59 new clexa AUs#my brain is my brain#just because I wasn't here doesn't mean writing wasn't gettimg done#man WHAT A YEAR lol#but I'm glad y'all even care what I have to say about anything lol#I got an email a few weeks about that this blog turned 18#like a 'happy birthday to your blog' or some shit tumbrl email#and nothing has ever made me feel older#this blog is old enough to vote lmao#and I had a tumble before I just deleted and started fresh#I've been on this hellsite too long#anyway...Papi has been through Some Shit#some GOOD some almost legit killed me#the last four months have been...SOMETHING#but I'm here I'm gay and I've never stopped coming up with AUs#for clexa or bishova#I was just...doing life#rants#anonymous#answers
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Also it really sucks bc I want to draw but I CAN’T bc I’m in a lot of pain rn. Sitting here like
#AUGHH. I’m still in physical therapy btw.#I was doing p good for a while until I sat in the car for a 5 hour round trip and that fucked my back up SO bad#So I relapsed. And my pain has been Bad for the past couple weeks#Not nearly as bad as it was at the beginning but my pain levels are back up#Which makes me so MAD bc I was at the point where I barelyyy felt it#SIGHS#Well. I’m getting dry needling done tomorrow and that should help#Not SUPER fond of the idea of needles getting poked into my back but at this point I’ll do anything#My therapist says everyone who’s done it under his care has felt a lot better afterwards#And I trust his judgement so.#I’ll be poked and prodded at tomorrow morning lol#I just want this to be over. It started in May. It’s October now#It’s been what. Five months?? FIVE????#It’s almost been half a year since this started oh my fucking god. Killing myself#Shima speaks
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Honestly i am surprised i have not seen poly q!4maxhalo being shipped
both of these forever relationships border between fun/platonic flirty banter and "we should get together jk..... Unless👀" ( i mean he literally married max even if only for a day and we have seen multiple times how "jealous" forever can be towards bad)
+Max before the Brazilian joined was becoming a sort of father figure to dapper and (i know this is a dumb headcanon but) like being the second Sofia administrator is fun to think bad as a technically 2 dad to sofia
#i am procrastinating? yes#do i even believe in this ship? eh i am a multishipper if any of you post a fanart/fanfic i probably will#am i posting in main tag? FUCKIT YEAH#qsmp#in my morning timezone there isn't much traffic anyway lol#to be fair ecam season is killing me i haven't watched full vods in almost 2 weeks#4maxhalo
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day 7: magic
her music draws you in and you can't leave. you're in her world now. you can feel what she feels, almost hearing her thoughts. you listen to her music, to her voice, and you want to know more. you want to listen to her. you'd do anything just to listen to her music again. it's magic.
#fnafhs#fhs#golden fnafhs#cami fnafhs#goldami#mine#fhs event week#dont look at this too close cause its not clean at all lol this drawing almost kills me#NEVER ask me to draw someone playing the violin again#anyways its the end of the week! this event was super fun :')
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just got tickets! to see! my friend's play! its first full production! back at my college! next weekend!!!
#i can't believe he didn't tell me when tickets became available to purchase a week ago#if i hadn't checked until a few days from now and the one day i can go was sold out i would have driven up there just to kill him#/lh#they've put the cast list on their instagram and i'm so so so excited (if you couldn't tell lol)#it'll be nice to be back. to see people again#on what'll almost be the 1 year anniversary of opening night for hamlet no less
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Head in my hands wondering if I'll have to cut the entire Chume Labs section out because it's more suited to being a different chapter, but also knowing the next chapter can't have it either so I might have to cut it from this fic entirely aaaAAAAAAAAAA
#i talk#fic talk#I was thinking I could stay up a while and try to finish this chapter so I could maybe post it tomorrow#but this is really eating me up#On the one hand... a solely Fuga chapter would be great#on the other hand... this chapter is supposed to show their growth from Fuga to the Chume Labs era#(even if it IS 99% about Fuga)#because that's what the chapter's theme is about#Agh#I'll keep chipping away at things regardless#Anyways for folks who like numbers#so far of everything I've already written / edited I have 5588 words#If I solely make this a Fuga chapter there are 1135 words left in my draft#meaning the final total of the chapter will be around 7000 words more or less since I tend to add a lot more stuff when I'm editing#I've got 1870 words (approximately) written for the Chume Labs section#which means if I do the entire Fuga + Chume Labs part this chapter will probably be just under 10000 words#@ __________ @#Maybe I should split this chapter up and make the Chume Labs part an interlude#Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm#Or maybe I'll throw it in Chapter 4 after all. Hell I dunno#We'll see how I feel once I finish editing all the Fuga stuff#I'm pretty happy with the Fuga stuff though but oh boy did it kill me#I think the reason I'm waffling about the Chume Labs bit is because technically it wasn't supposed to be included in this chapter#I had the idea two (?) ish weeks ago and went ''Wait that's a great idea to add''#which is how 99% of my writing goes and is one of the reasons why everything takes so long lol#But anyways. Yeah it's looking like no chapter update today (or I guess tomorrow depending on your timezone)#Sorry guys!#But it's almost done
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Dungeon Meal
#disclaimer: i am not AT ALL an artist but this idea was in my head for like a week so i had to try#drawing falin almost killed me#the idea started with the chilchuck-en nugget and expanded from there lol#this is just like for my personal enjoyment tbh but wanted to post it for posterity or something#dm#dungeon meshi
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finally finished my first ACTUAL BOOK since high school and it was bury your gays by chuck tingle. it was super good i forgot how much i love to read LMAO
#its been almost a decade lmao. lol#i read the first 25% on the plane back from miami like 2 weeks ago and finished the rest today#watch your feet#i lov my kindle i lov to read ugh#gonna start camp damascus next i think. idk when but idk eventually#ive been so resistant to reading bc its been so long and i hate physical books after years of only reading fic#getting the kindle is the beginning of a new era istg. i will re-learn how to write if it kills me
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got a bunch of little baby plants and am doing some repotting but damn i have a hard time remembering which ones can't have direct light
all but a few of them are low light types because i don't like window or overhead light (i am a cave gremlin)
but some of them need at least indirect light and i'm trying to get those situated well to the french doors (also i bought another seasonal fern bc i am weak and it's hogging a bunch of the space)
some of the tiny ones are barely hanging on and idk what to do else besides sun+ water
i thiiiink it's the tiny peperomia, the mini spider plant, and the aglaonema that really need out of the direct sunbeams and the couple of little succulents that need moved in more
the one snake plant that i haven't watered for six months needed a bigger pot so i upgraded it and i hope it takes it well. the bitty pearl pothos doesn't need a bigger pot but less sun and more drainage i think, so it got a new pot too
why do i get tempted by plants when i hate natural light so much? i did buy a *little* grow light for the corner though
i need plants that are ok with just ambient low light - the sansevieria is out of the window reach entirely but has been putting up fresh green shoots? the big peace lily keeps unfurling new leaves in the dark corner as long as it gets plenty of water?
but the other peace lily that was by the window is crunchy now and idk how to rehab it (still green? and not wilted but the leaves are crunkly so)
also i seeded some rosemary and sage and they are sprouting but the mint did not come up at all ://
#someone stop me from buying more snake plants just bc they survive#i killed my poor desk philodendron idk how and the diffenbachia too#i need more idiot proof plants but i keep having hopes when i walk past the racks outside the store#i need a palm or something tall for the living room across from the peace lily that just gets a tiny bit more light#also i want a billion succulents but one outdoor one died and its still hard to restrain myself#i need plants that light 60watt lamp light for by the bed where no natural light reaches lol#but also i need an explanation of where this indoor plant hunger comes from#i have a yard but everything out there dies come the months of baking heat#and only the grass really comes back - it's going gangbusters in the empty plant bed right now where nothing else seems to grow#(but weeds)#and if i have to bring the plants in for the summer they can't need bright light which is what they would get on the porch#also i don't want to bring bugs inside quite frankly - the spiders are enough for me (the gnat or two is too many)#i need to figure out how to get my pothos to be fluffier again rather than super leggy it's ridiculous#plant whining#i desperately want a ficus and i'm so afraid i can't keep it alive#i am very attentive for a while but then there will be a period where i keep thinking 'i will water tomorrow' only it can be almost a week#mainly i think the tap water is not great and i now i want to water with filtered water but i think i keep using more water than i should#why can't plant-coddling instincts be inherited? i just don't have that 'feel' for exactly what they need like my mom
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just finished part one of changing states!!!!!!! like wow!!!!!!! baby excerpt from earlier:
Mazzy Star’s Blue Light plays over the café’s speaker system, the electric guitar yawning a mild solo. There’s a world outside my doorstep, Hope sings. Jeremiah should get up and keep driving till he hits a field of wheatgrass, until the sun’s glossy orange like carnelian, until he reaches Baltimore and can exhale at last. He pushes out of his chair, in need only because he’s tired, unsatisfied from last night, desperate for more caffeine. But the man reaches out a hand and takes his wrist, and Jeremiah sees it in his face then too—a restless longing.
#didn't think i was gonna structure this as anything but a story but seeming as tho it's already at my projected word count and the plot#hasn't started :)))) LOL we at almost 5k! anyway i've just split it into part 1 and 2#if titles come to me I'll give them titles but it's not supposed to feel like chapters!!!!!#it's only been 2 weeks?? LIKE KILLING IT!!#changing states
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the last time I was this sick was over a decade ago and my grandma took me to the urgent care and nearly went Lucille Bluth on the dr
#when the dr was like she has the flu go home rest lots of fluids#my grandma was like she has the FLU? GO HOME? LOOK AT HER! IF I HAVE TO BRING HER BACK HERE I'LL FIND YOU!#she almost slapped my mom cause she didn't wanna take me to urgent care#it was a wild fckn day#I had the super flu from hell ×100000 and it took 2 weeks to recover and my grandma was like#ready to kill that dr if I didn't get better#I now once again have the super flu from hell ×10000 and I wish my grandma were here lol she was the best when I was sick#I really hope I'm better this weekend man this has been awful#going from someone who does 10.5 miles on a stationary bike 4-5 times a week#to not being able to get out of bed for more than 10 minutes has been... rough.#and santino is LOSING HIS MIND cause he feels neglected cause I'm not up playing with him and shit like normal#so he is being AWFUL 👿#god I just wanna get better holy shit#erin explains it all
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okay today was like the first time since surgery that i've been able to exist as a human outside my house!! and i had a great time even though i am PAYING FOR IT. HEAVILY 💀
#god my ribs are KILLING ME SLOWLY#anyway i had a good day 🥺🥺🥺 last night my partner and i woke up at the same time#bc we both had to pee. and i totally forgot but when we laid back down i told her ''i'm hungy..''#bc it was like 3 am and i didnt wanna get up. so i just wanted to complain lol#but she woke me up to a big breakfast she ordered in like ''hey it made me sad that you were hungry jn the night-#so i got you and i a big breakfast 🥺👉👈💖'' and UGH it made my heart so happy#and then we chilled out before i decided i could handle leaving home and wanted to go to the mall#and i had a really good time existing in public!!! im getting a little depressed from being bed bound#i FINALLY got after laughter on vinyl after wanting it for like almost 5 years 😭😭😭#and some cute stickers!!! anyway yeah i had a nice day w my baby and it made me happy 🥹💖#as much as im hurting badly rn it was worth it for the lil date 💖💖💖 pain meds should help soon anyway#im just glad to have finally gotten out of the house#chatter#round 2#also let me just say my previous thoracotomy did NOT prepare me for this one.#turns out the open version is VERY DIFFERENT. which i knew but god its so stark when youre living it#p sure by 2 weeks post op last time i was relatively fine!!!! almost back to normal#oh and uh#autumn
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...
#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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leaving cert students how are we doing
#im doing better than i was earlier this morning ive calmed down a bit#finishing up my history rsr#also say what u will abt lc music but the chords question 5s are so fun! theyre like sudoku for music#tbh so are the unseen clapping things. it makes me feel clever bcos it utilizes my rhythm game skills#so music is a slay#but latin is killing me DEAD the aeneid is KILLING MEEEEEEEE#like ill make it thru it but i do feel like some fucking dope turning up to latin classes not knowing jackshit#in my defense. asking me to be able to translate any given sentence of a 350-line poem is a big ask#but in her defense ive been meant to be learning it for like. a yearrr. and ive not#the leaving cert is in like a month and a half! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!#AUGH and bcos i do latin i end suuuper late as well...#i start w english paper 1 i think on the sixth or summat?#and then i end w latin on the TWENTY FIFTHHHHHHHHH or thereabouts#so ive like a single week where i have both papers of all core subjects plus biology plus history#and then its like. lol week long break before music!#and then a weekend before latin#so thats almost certainly gonna be solely dedicated to studying latin bcos i love music but fuck it#i can listen to barry whenever the fuck#and like the more i talk abt it the more i think i have it in hand but also thats the devil talking#i barely do my homework or pay attention in class let alone study for the leaving#SIGH. ITLL BE FINE#in two months ill have different problems and i wont have to deal with this#whoops battery low lol gotta go sit in the boyz zone while i do my rsr
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