#lol im still scared but. yanno.

[stabbyfoxandrew]

notice how i do my oc posting at night when no one will be online

[aibouart]

compilation of my other fav palette challenges from the years past... i should do them again sometime......

chara #9 belongs to @askbookwormflareon

[demonio-fleurs]

i’ve been debating whether or not i want to share this info on here bc it’s kinda scary and i don’t really have the answer for what is going on yet, but i just feel the need to get it off my chest (lol) and share it with people who don’t know me irl. so uh. under the read more i’ll let y’all know why im seeing a doctor today and why ive been so… stressed. (content warning for medical/health stuff)

so the other night my partner and i discovered a lump in my right boob. it’s squishy and we can move it and it only started giving me discomfort once we discovered it (which i personally think is psychosomatic pain/anxiety and not actual discomfort) so we don’t think it’s cancerous. we are hoping that it’ll be a fatty cyst, or non-cancerous tumor, or maybe just a swollen gland. but we won’t know for sure until it gets looked at, and even then the doctor might not be able to give us an actual answer.

to be quite honest, even though i am trying to stay optimistic, i am quite scared. i have a feeling that even if it isn’t cancerous it will still probably require surgery, and that is scary to me. i know the chances are slim, but there is still that part of my brain that worries that if i go in for surgery i might not wake up, yanno? and despite how terrible this world is, i really do love life. i love living. i love being alive.

and, even if the surgery goes well, this is still one of the worst possible times for me to need surgery. i have a store regional i have to prepare for in october, we have the biggest convention of the year next month that we are attending, there is so much happening in the next month and a half that this is quite literally the worst possible time for me to need surgery.

so… yeah. idk. best case scenario it is non cancerous and requires no surgery and i will be fine! mid tier scenario it is non cancerous but requires surgery. worst case scenario i have cancer.

we’ll see what happens. thank you for reading this if you got this far. i have a doctors appointment in a lil over 4 hours, so. let’s all cross our fingers.

[strawberryseeded]

..,

oh man..sighs.....ok so im kinda worried abt sum of my piercings.. ://

sooooo. ive been paranoid abt my eyebrow piercing rejecting 4 a whiiile now..n while tbh it doesnt rly seem 2 be that case..? 1 of the holes is just constantly slightly irritated. also ive been feeling discontent abt the way it was pierced also 4 a while; i prefer snug jewerly 4 eyebrow piercings n, bc of the way mine was done, even w the smallest curves barbell ucan still see quite a bit of the metal hanging and uggghhh i love my eyebrow piercing 2 death but im just not that into that specific look..ive been looking 4 smaller jewelry (even custom 1s) since 4ever n ive had no luck:((( im seriously considering retiring the piercing n getting it redone. but im scared the scarring wud be too visible this time since i think they wud be piercing it a bit wider(?) this time, not in the same place like the last time i repierced it. i shud prob see a dermathologist 4 dat -_-;;

THEN.. my ears. they do not plague my mind as much as the eyebrow piercing lol BUUUT all the lobes + helixes r taking 4EVEEEER 2 heal its such a pain!!!!! lol dhdhdhh the issue is p much solely when i lay down. if im laying down 4 a long time while pressing down on one of the piercings w/o notices they swell up like crazy. a warm shower + saline soaks help a TON but its just....annoying lol. sometimes after i wake up from a nap or yanno just sleeping i realize not only my neck is sore from trying so hard not 2 sleep on my sides, my ears r sore as well -_- n i just cant help but think god again???? all this pain 4 naught!!(dramatic) why am i even enduring this??? I just wanna sleep peacefully!!! T-T honestly i think a big part of the issue is the fact that i pierced both my ears when the last i had pierced wasnt fully healed (i thought it was even tho only 3 months had passed..silly). tbh its one of those mistakes that ppl on the internet n reddit threads constantly warn u abt but u dont realize just how truly annoying n detrimental 2 the healing it is until u actually make the mistake. when i think its all good one of the piercings starts acting up. when that 1 calms down, another 1 gets irritated. when that 1 is under control, one of the stupid little jewelry balls gets unscrewed n i lose it and dude im out of the little balls do i just put a ring?? MISTAKE. well.

ok whatever hdgdgdh just wanted 2 rant. im planning 2 go to the piercer next month 2 mainly ask abt the eyebrow piercing ..n maybe if im feeling masochistic & since its my bd monthhh.......get another 1 🤡

[perelka-l]

slides in. brainworm delievery

gio/silver or lance/silver ? why not both imo. now hear me out ^_^

silver gets pissed off at gio + that whole running away messy dadson breakup happens. after that part of the reason silver turns to lance is to try and rebound from gio (maybe make gio jealous too).

but when gio finds out instead of being jealous or anything, him and lance form an alliance instead (this is all so au im sorry LMAO) and now silver has twice as many problems. tho i do think lance and gio would balance each other out in some ways ? like dad whos too mean x dad whos too nice but if theyre both fucking you…? yeah i think that could work. pray for silver tho /silly

- ☔️

Oh I am hearing very intently 👀

I really enjoy the thought that Silver deliberately would use dynamics between Lance and Giovanni for his advantage - Lance is a champion and I can easily imagine that by itself makes Giovanni a little on edge, considering his own hidden image of Gym Leader (though personally I deeeeply prefer that Giovanni is officially a Gym Leader and a Team Rocket Boss as highly hidden information bc c'mon it just makes more SENSE so I stick to it lol). At that Silver easily worms his way into Lance's heart (c'mon, he's easy) and his own satisfaction from wrapping Lance around his finger so effectively makes Silver sneer at way he remembers the way Giovanni was uneasy around Lance. So much for being so scared of the Champion, huh? Plus, something about "Self-proclaimed strongest" vs yanno. The Champion.

What Silver possibly could not predict is that possibly his dad already has quite a nice relationship with Lance. Maybe. Possibly. C'mon, it's Gio, he can make you want to lick his shoes after 20 minutes of conversation with him, and Lance is, as already mentioned, easy... Though not in a way Giovanni could approach, Lance is just too good, but he accepted the challenge.

And thus, unknowingly, Silver has wormed his way into a threesome.

Lance as a good cop and Gio as a bad cop (har har)? Absolutely fitting. Plus Lance absolutely hits Silver's praise kink while having his daddy issues satisfied by, well, Gio. Rest in pieces Silver, you are not going to survive this. Or at least he'll struggle getting out of bed. That, and I don't think he'd be able to get up were it to be any other two guys, but in this case Silver just frankly will probably be ruined for everything else hehe˜

Some time after your anons I actully did something hehe. I don't think I will finish it, I am still a bit squeamish about drawing this sort of stuff plus I am entirely too occupied by late late comictober and commissions, but here is a preview that should be fine to share to give an idea, haha:

But it's okie he will be treated nicely in the morning so it's all okay (and he'll hate himself so bad for this wmuahahah) (♡˙︶˙♡)

[kdipshit]

Moving train

Looking for love at all would be ‘trying to replace him’. I literally have no doubt in my mind that he feels the same because of how real it is. And was. I wonder if we had no choice but to meet those 10 years ago. I still feel like I know him. That’s how I feel. Because I guess that’s what I think….

Fresha den a mahfucka still. Yanno how theres a train in the movie inside out? Thats how I recognise my thoughts. Doesn’t stop, or maybe it does, but its usually not a good idea to try to stop a train. I’m having thoughts associated with the feelings that trigger sadness, lol because I don’t have all the ingredients for my Oreo sundae :( thats my favourite food right now, so like, I want it yanno.

I was depressed during the years I was supposed to be gaining my confidence. Learning confidence at my big age is. Lil difficult to navigate, thank god I’m not older and I’m sorting it out NOW coz shit this shit has the capacity to blow up my entire life if I lose control. i can’t handle another blow up.

Im a disgusting pig. No I’m not, my thoughts are so perverted. I feel disgusted by them. They are so dark and twisted, just like my nails that will pierce the vein of the one I love. Lol jks, maybe. Should write a book. No girl, idk girl. But when I feel disgusted by my thoughts in turn I am disgusted with myself… so obviously I’m identifying myself with my thoguhts, whats going on girly? Lil slip ups maybe, they’re not you. Their like grapes on your head lol. Just get em off, just give some space, your thoughts are not going to abandon you, I know you hold onto your thoughts because when your close enough to the thought train, it drowns out everything its so loud. Its dangerous to be that close to moving trains, how was it is to die. i got pretty close to the train in fact I slept next to it. Letting go is obviously like, scary, I never thought of it that way.. huh. I’m attached to my thoughts bitch they don’t leave???let go man. Give me some space. I need to breath, lets go watch the train from up on the hill Over there.

Y’all, I need to level up, I don’t have to get the same Shi, do the same Shit or think about the same shit. I shouldnt settle. Weed isn’t sustaining me the same, its like my life is becoming grey. Been throwing colour bombs at it but I mean its still grey now it just has paint on it. I think I’m depressed, am I? I don’t know.. am I just lazy? I’m tired….

I wish sometimes that I would just fkn die I swear to god. I would rather die than to think how I think… sometimes.

I feel like I’m having trouble expressing myself, I don’t feel led by the thoughts, thank god, but I feel empty or lost, a very specific kind situation creates what I’m feeling

Smooth sailin’ from here on out. Weed keeps me calm so thats why I’ve found it hard to replace, opens me up a bit more for conversation, I want it all.

I want it ALL, why wouldn’t I want it all? Money, fast cars, diamond rings, gold chains and champagne, shit every damn thang. I want it all.

Am I slow? am I scared? Why do I never really say whats on my mind? I’m scared.. and then it get brought up anyways, why dot I speak up when I want to? I’m scared. whY?rejection. Embarrassment. I feel like ppl will laugh and I will remember that laugh every time I try to speak. i remember one time I plagiarised an English assignment without realising it was for a speech and I couldn’t say the words lmao.dont remember how I got out of that one.

I am most safe right now up on my hill watching my thoughts, that seat may very well be any position I’m in where I’m writing.

How good is sipping a fucking cup of tea. A hot cuppa, fuck yeah bro, I’m just missing the ciggy, might jump on those during the winter lmao. Smoke ciggys in the winter, what doya think? Yeah maybe, more aesthetic. I seriously wish I had a cigarette rn

[scolopendress-tag]

Man I wanna get a centi tattoo on my birthday still I know I've been heeheeing abt it but MAN it makes me nervous. Not only do I KNOW pedes are hard to draw but when they're done and I've found people who've done them... They don't get them like. Anatomically accurate? And of course I'm FINE with stylization of course, but they do NOT have little wasp jaws at the front of their head and their antennae are NOT bolt straight. Please. And the terminals too like those aren't hair man those are legs... I'm too nervous to talk back 2 ppl half the time.... Even if it's just saying well hey actually.... U know?

And also I can't bare to hear negative comments about centipedes. Fun fact if u comment on people's posts where they're positive abt bugs or smthn with "oh I still hate them or ohhh they're gross ew kill it with fire! Ahah smash stop kill! So scary im nauseous! So ugly ew eradicate only good ones a dead one ;)" shit you're not funny or quirky or imventive or even like decent ur just fucking awful and annoying pls shut the fuck up thanks. We get it. You don't have to like bugs but man can people not understand that maybe that's not very decent to do. I've had people tell me that shit to my face in person at pet stores n shit when I mentioned I owned animals like I do like I would die if my tattoo artist did that. Like why do people even think that's okay. I am ranting and going off on a tangent now but can you imagine if ya told me u like corgis or have one and I told you "actually I hate corgis I would hit them with my car if I saw them lmao burn em alive better off dead am I right haha they're just so gross and freakish n ugly man it's fine I'm just a corgophobe <3" it's pretty understandable that that's unacceptable. Like don't do that. If you've gotta whine about bugs don't do it in spaces where they're being appreciated keep ur bad taste to urself. "Cool! they do honestly scare me some tho lol" or like stating a phobia and setting boundaries is fine just don't be a dick yanno. God.

Idk. Maybe I'll hold off on the centipede tatts n get something different for my first time as much as that pains me.

[nightshade-minho]

Okay so I just finished reading embers and I have SO MANY COMMENTS (I might break it into a few asks bc I'm scared Tumblr will eat a big one sjfnsja) the first scene of me and aeracus looking at the stars was so great I felt so warm omg later when they were at the lesson and they mentioned the aer element I was like oh yeah I'm gonna break the pattern but then I named my dragon caeli and I was like I'm sorry what dnsisnwks but once minho introduced his dragon as aeracus I was like OH I remember you said to not get too attached to the dragon so I hope that means caeli bc I'm already attached to aeracus lol - 🥚

And then the entire flashback was just ahhh I loved it the makeout scene at the end was hot and I definitely wish we could've seen more of it hehe and then when I was getting ready for the championship thing I think I jusr knew something would be wrong yanno and when the chief said oh 3 of them came Im like oh Jesus he really brought his girl freaking Minho why hes literally trying to make me jealous I don't care if he got engaged (or married) to make me jealous that's what he's doing LOL

But honestly tho it was such a good read I'm glad I waited until I could enjoy it fully!! I like how you gave us some background of what happened bc reading that first little section with aeracus I was gonna die lol there's still so much we don't know which is definitely making me wanna keep reading so bad fjjeioekwndj another masterpiece Mika but then again am I really surprised like it's you writing it - 🥚 (final ask)

Aaaaahhhh I'm loving your reactions ahahs. And yes, you can get attached to Aeracus, he's the emotional support dragon I wish I had lmao. Caeli is honestly a bit weird and you'll find out why later I guess~

I definitely wanted to write more but I kept in mind that the two of them were 17 at the time and I didn't want to write underaged smut lmao- but you can bet stuff happened after that. Multiple times.

Minho's fianceé...y'all haven't met her character yet 👀 Just wait till you do- there's a lot of stuff left to be uncovered, I'm actually super excited to finish this series, and for you to read it haha.

[noctomania]

Enjoier

“When was the last time you felt joy?”

You wouldn’t think that were a tough question until you’re asked it and then realize you don’t prioritize it at all.

Joy to me is something you get like once a year, as a treat for being a good lil soldier.

What’s a load of fuckery though is that now that I know it’s something I should prioritize to some degree as a form of self care, and at a time in my life where I can finally afford decent self care, I’m in a position where the longest stretches of time that i have unencumbered are from midnight until morning. So it’s like...something brings you joy but makes any significant amount of noise? Unless it’s got a headphone jack input, too bad. So I have to spend those hours just wasting away in my room and by the time a viable hour for doing anything i might have wanted to i’m so done that i just keep wasting away or ive been sucked into a game for 8hrs straight and then i have to feed myself.

which is another thing! food also brings me joy and i want to practice more cooking but i can’t exactly start my foray into stir frying at 3am on a friday morning. imagine just workin the fuck outta a wok and wakin everyone in the building 3 hrs before their alarm goes off. potentially setting off a fire alarm even lol.

wompwomp

i wish i still lived alone. maybe i can move out this year....maybe i’ll find a place. im just scared of giving this one up bc the rent has not gone up since i been here and that is a first for me. its so hard to find a decent landlord in these areas. maybe even harder to find - decent roommates. so, give and take yanno. both the studios i had the landlords were shit. truly slum lords.

anyway im tired of writing about this. this depressin shit seems like the only shit i ever write about bc anything else i can’t even get this far really.

maybe if i put a big neon sign in my room to remind me “remember joy”. people would be like who tf is joy and how did she die?

[headassdobrik]

im supposed to reveal myself today but iM SCARED, i mean not scared of you ily but still scared yanno? - secret love anon❤️ (i mean do you even have an idea of who i am? Habahah)

Hahaha I totally feel ya

I haven’t a clue who you could be! Lol but ily

[inactivesimblrr]

get to know me tag!

tagged by @literalite (thank u lamer clone!) n im not tagging anyone bc.............. every1 i think i know has already been tagged so thats calm, there r 125 questions below!

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Pat[REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? pat

3. BIRTHDAY? 23rd of nov!!!!! <3 (2001)

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? hmhmhnnnn,,,,, lotr, the hobbit, harry potter, anything from the grishaverse,,, idk man i like books a lot,,, the raven cycle,,, hnmgmg,,

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? aliens 100% i believe in them! ghosts? i mean... i half kind of do half dont but my kind of ghost aint the same as the usual idea of a ghost yanno? mine r nicer <3

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? leigh bardugo, tolkien, i would say j.k rowling but shes trash! her books r good tho ://

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? ??? idk so im gon pretend this means podcast and in that case im listening to the black tapes rn! 

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? matcha or strawberry!!!!!!

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? thats swag (i began using it ironically but now i cant stop)

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? uhhh eve or the wonderful world by mark joshua! orrr shiloh by little chief!! 

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? grinned

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?  walking back to georgia by jim croce

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? honestly.... drop dead diva... im sorry.... but tbh i dont watch tv all that often!! ACTUALLUY HECK i would def recommend merlin the bbc tv series and ofc sherlock the tv series but keep in mind both those recs will rip out your heart MULTIPLE times,

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? .......... im down all the time lolol but tbh all the harry potter films + the 1st fantastic beasts movie, all the lotr films and all the hobbit films AND sherlock both the rdj and jude law films and then the bbc sherlock christmas special the abominable bride

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? yah! my all time favourite game is tes oblivion!! it has been my fav since i was 6!

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? my life not working out the way i want to!! i want my life to be happy and long and spent with the people i love and not having 2 worry abt money or health!!!

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? i think maybe my ability to find everything funny??

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my temper is beyond vicious honestly like im not kidding my temper is.... disgusting

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? birds

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? winter

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? nah!

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? im still a kid im only 17!!! and uh,, i miss the innocence!! i miss being oblivious!!

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? i dont have one!

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? brownn w/ a bit of green!

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? dark brown!

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? my parents and my family!

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? jude law, sebastian stan, emma stone

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? back to school shopping!! also i get to eat fried chicken and cheesecake tonight because even tho my birthday was yesterday im celebrating it today!!!!

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? stationery??? video games?? FOOD??

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? jane and the dragon!

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? i dont know what a male is sorry

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? a baby bit only

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? n’aw i dont think so!

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? i mean... if i weren’t as ugly as i am id love to be in front of a camera doing fun acting stuff or whatnot! but bc i am ugly im usually behind the camera + i do film at school!

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? lettering/calligraphy!

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? what if its us by becky abertalli + adam silvera (its so cute but the ending was.... not satisfactory...)

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? fantastic beasts the crimes of grindelwald!!!

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? used 2 play piano, accordion, and violin! but i dont do tht anymore!

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? bird!! 

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? too many 2 pick from !!! im srry!

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? gdgs all of them!!!!! maybe the power to warp reality bc i could do anything then?? a reality where im married to jude law or emma stone? done, a reality where i have all the powers in the world? done

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? a cliff somewhere where its cold and the water is vicious underneath!

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? babies, animals, happy couples, pregnant people, old people, a lot of things really!

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? i used 2 do karate but now i dont do sports!

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? idfsng idk! strawberry milkshake maybe?? matcha boba??? milk!!

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? last week!!! i love handwriting!

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? nah!

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? ppl who r rude for no reason and also ppl at school who just pick on other ppl for no reason looking at you rahni teagan and the other f*ckheads!!! hope u die literally i know thats a horrible thing to say but you all deserve it

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? i went to two twenty one pilot concerts!! the first one was in the forum in melbourne and then the other one was a few years or one year later and it was in a sold out stadium!! both were in the mosh! and then idk if this counts as a concert but i went to and did the meet and greet for dan and phil’s first tour! i dont like them anymore tho ! ://

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? no way in HELL!!!!

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a lot of things!!! famous actress, spy, war general, prime minister, pro wrestler, explorer, cartographer, filmmaker, architect, interior designer, dragon, PIRATE

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? i know this is a bad idea but honestly the harry potter universe PROVIDED i had magic!! bc like,,, yah

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? a lot of things! my future mainly lol :(

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? no but i gotta say sometimes in the middle of the night when i wake up and the undefined shape my clothes sitting on my desk chair looks like That i get a bit worried yanno it looks like a demon im not gonna lie

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? ya but i dont htink im any good at it!

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? only due to sickness, funerals, or holidays!

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? my house! OR the cliffs of moher :o)

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? in some old old old european castle in the middle of nowhere on a mountain and next to the sea

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? nuu :( but i do feed a lot of birds that come to my house and ive named them and love them even if the lorikeets dont love me back which is fine!!!! :(

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? early bird i guess

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsets??

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? yes! but i dont have my full lisence only my learner’s permit!!

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? headphones (noise cancelling!!)

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? yup!! they were green!!

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? soft rock, indie folk, indie-everything mainly except for indie-rock,,, country music dont hate my i love country music as long as its certain country music!! aint having none of this keith urban rubbish in my house!! we only listen 2 the james taylor brand of country music in this house!!! so i guess country folk. folk music in general is my jam!!! i love ballads as well and ofc blues!! theres so many more jbdsgjbas but i cant possibly list all of it!!!

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? the idea of me living out the future i want if that makes sense!

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? yah!!

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? a lot of things honestly!!!! 2 many to list im really passionate!

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? real book but i read more on electronic devices bc its easy and i dont have to worry about lights !!

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? idk!!!!!!!! maybe history!

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? nup!! im an only child thanK GOD

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? movie tickets to crimes against grindelwald last night!!

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? i think im like 176cm??

75. CAN YOU COOK? only if i have a recipe! but i can make really good drinks (non alcoholic ofc!!)

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? rainy weather, good literature, my family

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? hubris, wrath, pococurantism

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? female

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? ?????????? who knows

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? australia!!

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my group chat

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? my birthday yesterday lol

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? dont want youtube tht much anymore tbh

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? nah

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? procreate

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? incredibly close with both parents but fight with my dad like cats n dogs

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? irish or strong strong american or posh english also scottish

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? israel, republic of ireland, and so many more places like nksgskbgs i cant list them also all the nordic countries

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 3

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? no

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? nah 

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? both!!!!!! 

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? daring in terms of i like to do things that could potentially kill me for the adrenaline rush but not daring in terms of introducing myself to other ppl lol

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? nah thank GOD

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? oui

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? non

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? ill happily admit i’m wrong provided the other person wasnt a douchebag about it but even then ill admit im wrong! aint no shame in recognising ur wrong ma dude

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? dont like the beach but i love the sea?? so forest i guess bc i dont like sand

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? "two things stand like stone, kindness in another’s trouble, courage in your own” - adam lindsay gordon

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? an excellent one, but i dislike lying and value honesty so!!

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? ssssss slytherin!

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? ya

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? cop out answer here but it depends on the situation

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? yes

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? depends

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? try and find the owner and track em down but if i cant ill hand it in to the place where it was lost

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? yes

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? yes

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? yes

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? ears but theyre closed up!!

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? thorin oakenshield

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? nah

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? ? idk man

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? no, too many bad people are living good lives right now

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? nope! perfect vision here my dude!

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? in the future i want 1 child only

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? my little cousin

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? a Lot

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? a few times only, but i value sleep

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black and green

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? hell ya !

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? audience member for the xfactor!

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 17

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? “so comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings.” -tolkien OR “always seek the giant.”

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savoury

[filmtrash]

okay lol sorry

i always feel like i  talk about my mum but like tbh nothing else is going on on this hell site lmao and honestly im doing this for my own sake so feel free to stop reading like yanno when shit just builds up like nothings even happened just a shitty argument but it just triggers me anyway but like i can already picture the chat when im like 30 and havent spoken to her in like 7 years and she’ll be all like ‘you have no idea everything i did for you as a child’ which ive ALWAYS known. like she is a good mum. she cooks me dinner and she picks me up stuff i need from the shop but like. those dinners and those random items from the shop arent gonna comfort me when im upset. it literally look me about 4 and a half years of therapy for me to learn that not being okay was okay because my own mum never taught me that. if i cried at school all i would get was ‘you didn’t make a scene did you?’ this one time a teacher called my mum because he was concerned about me and she made me APOLOGISE to him for making a scene. like jesus christ. and it just gets so much worse. **sensitive subjects**) i went through some tough as shit years concerning, well u can guess what, and my mum got called into school with the social services, they had a meeting whilst i sat outside, my mum came out of that meeting, said she was embarrassed and we have NEVER ever EVER EVER spoken one more word about it since. literally never. her embarrassment of me made me embarrassed of myself and i was too scared to speak up again and it took me 2 more years to get serious help after that. at like 13? without friends and without a mum i had to heal all by myself. from having to calm myself down to literally cleaning my own wounds when i got beat up. evidently a 13 year old cant heal herself and  because as u grow up you also go through more shit, and to go through this stage from child to adult bscly by urself is just. it’s so fucking shit. maybe 2 years ago i reached another one of those breaking points and i said to my mum i was struggling and her response; ‘how can you feel anxious, boys talk to you’ and it wasnt in a comforting way it was like her head could not programme the fact that bc i had like 1 male friend that i had poor mental health and like i remember that night so well. i remember just thinking. literally. like this is all im going to ever get and its just hurting me so much to try and find this mum im never gonna have and ever since then our relationship has been based on nothing but anger. everytime we speak its just filled with so much anger and its ME i know it is but the anger just keeps me from trusting her and needing her and ive learnt to deal with her opinions because i dont care about them because it would just be so much harder if i did. i cant imagine loving her and hearing the things she says to me. honestly, it hurts my soul to think about the childhood i could have had if maybe even she’d talked to me once she came out of that meeting. maybe i wouldnt have been 18 when i got my first real friends. maybe i would have had a relationship by now. maybe i’d love myself or respect myself. maybe i’d be able to do some of the things i can’t. maybe i’d be able to go into the shop on mothers day and be able to pick a pretty card and not worry about the message inside because i’d know it’d be true. maybe i wouldnt just see my parents at dinner and still find that hard enough. who knows, it’s unhealthy to dwell on a life you’re never going to have. i know how blessed i am to have a mum, because i know so many people have lost them and i hope i don’t appear ungrateful but it just sucks so fucking bad sometimes

[bangtannnscenariosbro]

Hogwarts Students!BTS

Admin River speaks: ok i’ve had this idea for sO long and I’ve been rereading the series again for the 5th time rip me. but yeah just these are my opinions pls dont attack me ddjjfjfjs. Also I made this a while ago and recently Namjoon wrote where the members would be, I know, I know. So without further ado, enjoyyyy 

Tae

• the cute Gryffindor who always seems to smile • messy hair • and robes • his shirt is usually unbuttoned a few buttons • loose tie • his wand behind his left ear • chaser !!! • usually gets out of trouble because none of the teachers seem to be able to r e s i s t his s m i l e • headmaster/mistress probably has a soft spot for him • probably has rlly good grades, like all O’s maybe a few E’s • “but, professor” • can be restless and talkative in class • is probably rlly into care of magical creatures • Hagrid would absolutely a d o r e him • just so full of life • in the choir bc yes boi • h o g s m e a d e especially when its s n o w i n g

• most likely part veela

• like have you s e e n him

• beauty right there • is able to smuggle in firewhiskey

• laughs when the other students cant drink it and make a face

• laughs even more when they watch in horror as he downs a cup

• “the hell, tae ???”

• j o k e s h o p

• loves the Weasley’s joke shop

• talks to the ghosts and portraits a lot

• has probs accidently charmed a couple ladies in the portraits

• which comes in handy when he finds out all these secret passages

• loves flower crowns and loves making them during the spring

• “here yoongi i made u one”

• “..... I'm more concerned as how u knew thats my favorite flower.”

• “that’s your favorite flower?”

• “.... forget i said anything.”

• k just imagine after a game he flies down from his broom with a huge grin and pushes he goggles up and so his hair is all wild and even more messy

• n he brings every1 in a group hug and cheers “we won, we won !!!”

• even if they dont win be celebrates with the other team

•...somtimes.. be gets pouty tho

• “we literally could have won that was a foul :(“

Jin • cute Hufflepuff • always so full of advice

• if u want u could set up a lil date with him at hogsmeade to just talk about your problems and sip a warm drink • so s o motherly • sometimes he has a loose tie and disheveled hair • he has rlly nice skin and the other students are like ??? tell me ur secrets ??? • hufflepuff’s dorms are by the kitchens so he probably made friends with the elves working there • can probably walk in and out whenever he wants • the few times he walks in late to class he probably has a few crumbs on his mouth or robes or maybe like some sugar or flour and its so e n d e a r i n g • such a good student • pays so much attention in class • sometimes wears those glasses, you know which ones • the girls probably all like him • and a few boys too hehe coughsnamjooncoughs • probably likes charms and maybe divination • he probably also likes herbology • also is probably in the choir because i mean have you h e a r d h i m • loves going to Hogsmeade • probably is pretty good friends with Madame Rosmerta • exchanges recipes with her • he seems so sophisticated and people probs look up to him a lot • p r e f e c t • h e a d  b o y

• tells so many jokes to first years

• windshield laugh

• u would think the first years would be scared but no???

• they end being less nervous and smile and giggle with him

• even jin gets slightly surprised

• they end up getting close with him and almost like his own kids

• “but jiiiiiiiiinnn”

• “fine :/”

• ok but he stops so many fights n things from escalating too quickly

• both in the dorms and in bts

• even a couple teacher drama incidents

• professors lowkey want him to stay n teach there

• gets so worried??? About people ???

• he has a nervous tick where he keeps rubbing his hands as if he's putting on lotion

• but if he's rlly worried he's absolutely still and that's probs when u should be worried too Yoongi • ok he was rlly hard • like i wanted to say slytherin but idk i felt like i was stereotyping a bit by looks • i wanted to say ravenclaw but like idk man • i think I’m settling for g r y f f i n d o r • he’s rlly brave, man, like he went through so m u c h and he is so strong and f i g h t s back yanno • some ppl probably can't understand why he’s a gryffindor and he wants to keep it like that lol • he’s never seen doing his hw most of the time but gets ??? Perfect scores??? • he unbuttons one button on his shirt because its t o o t i g h t dammit i cant breathe • also slightly loose tie • defense against the dark arts all the way bro • a knack for transfiguration but gets so flustered when the professor compliments him which means red cheeks and wide eyes for days • hypes up quidditch so m u c h • like if its rlly cold and its raining he’d be like ew gross no im not going • but is a l w a y s there • gummy smiles and screaming when they win • he’s rlly good at quidditch but never joined bc “too much responsibility” • he’s lowkey insecure about his skills but sshh dont tell anyone • probs joins like 5th year

• a beater probably

• helps with stress lol • he has so much confidence and ppl appreciate that and wish they had that

• joon gave him a music box once cause he thought it was rlly pretty n yoongi just fell in love with it

• ink stained fingers

Jimin • the cute hufflepuff everyone adores • hypes up friends 25/8 • talks in class and then gets sheepish and embarrassed when he gets called out to stop • will fight??? Anyone ??? Who messes with his friends ??? • but liek if u hurt him u suddenly got all of hufflepuff as ur enemy sorry bro • he’s so so sweet like he probably gives all his professors gifts for the holidays • homemade cookies (with the help of jin ofc) • probably takes up knitting so that he can make scarfs 4 his frens • always there at quidditch games and hypes all his friend even if they’re against each other • he’s so reliable??? • giggles 4 days • but liek he is so cute n innocent but has laser focus and is so passionate about getting things done some ppl are just ??? Slytherin tho ??? • he’s the loyalist loyal to ever loyal • he probs enjoys muggle studies • muggle studies and potions • he likes the fact that you get all these ingredients and then end up with this huge product that can save lives or end them   w i l d t • will stay up rlly late if u need someone to talk to • will also make sure u go to ur dorm safely and probably tuck u in

• the kind of person every1 wants 2 protect

• but dOnt be fooled this boi can be solo mischievous

• its ok tho he cute

• he's like hot chocolate with whipped cream and caramel sauce

• ya feel?

• will break the rules if he has to don't underestimate him

• don't underestimate him in general

Namjoon

• ravenclaw!!!

• this boi is so smart like he could have easily pursued a career academically n wasnt he top of his class too ?

• even if that's wrong his lyrics sure prove it right

• he would do certain things and ppl would be like typical ravenclaw

• at first he was proudful of his house but then he slowly started getting insecure

• he didn't want to be known as this typical ravenclaw

• but he soon realizes that it's ok because he's just being himself n if ppl need to label things then o well

• v awkward but so w i s e

• like he thinks of so many abstract ideas that like??? It's amazing??

• carries around a lil notebook full of stories and poems

• so much p a t i e n c e

• he also feels so deeply and sometimes feels like exploding so he probably gets in lil moods where he wants to be alone

• luckily he has his frens (bts) who r like uhm bro let's talk

• so sweet and just wants the best 4 ppl but its sometimes hard to express t h a t

• stresses out easily during exams

• laughs and smiles that make flowers grow

• p r e f e c t a n d h e a d b o y

• he does lil things like save u butterbeer if ur not feeling well or get u sum sweets from Hogsmeade

• such a sweetheart

• luvs spending time outside especially during the spring

• lowkey writes poetry about his friends

• he just appreciates them so much

• transfiguration and ancient runes boi

• l i b r a r y

• Filch probably picks on the poor boy like

• joon is running back to his dorm after a study session in the library

• n filch is like iTs AftEr Hours

• and joon is like ??? I have 5 minutes ???

• sometimes he goes wide eyes like a deer in the headlights when he panics or doesn't know what's going on omg protect this boi

Hoseok

• okAy he's Ravenclaw tOo fIght mE

• he is just so fascinated by learning new things like

• wth that plant can do that???

• that animal exists ???

• w ow i e

• ok but sunshine boi

• is absolutely excited about herbology and care of magical creatures

• also charms

• he's just always so excited to learn new things !!!

• he stresses easily tho and breaks down a lot bc he gets a lot of pressure to get good grades

• like boi that's not ravenclaw calm ya shit

• frens defend him 25/8

• keeper!!!

• he learns to keep his wand hidden in weird places and like pulls it out at random places and ppl are like ???

• lots of screamign and happiness

• ppl get annoyed but it's hoseok he can do no wrong

• asks weird questions that are somehow relevant to the subject but r so abstract that even some professors are baffled

• he's so flexible ???

• like some ppl r just ??? How the h e ck??

• n liek the lil shit he is he winks and says “magic”

• lots of “hobi why”

• charms banners for quidditch when he doesn't play so they're all pretty n cool

• the school doesn’t suspect it's him

• him sharing a bunk with namjoon !!!

• luvs visiting Hagrid with Tae

• always has a new piece of info about dragons 2 share with Hagrid

• robes r usually wrinkled

• him wearing flower crowns/ bracelets that tae makes

Jungkook

• okay so

• hear me out

• s l y t h e r i n

• he was 15 when he debuted n liek ???

• he's 19 now ?? Thats a lot of ambition and hard work

• also he's a meme n he's cunning when he wants stuff

• n he also said he can handle hard schedules but when bts starts to hurt that's when he feels bad like ???

• but liek he gets kinda insecure sometimes bc slytherin is “””””bad””””””

• but he gets a talk from namjoon that ppl will be like that n to just ignore because a house is just supposed to let u be surrounded by ppl who r similar to u to learn better

• he also lowkey gives him permission to beat any1 up

• when he was younger he would sometimes sneak to other dorms

• to be with one of the members since be was insecure n shy with his house members

• but he soon grew confident and made other friends and bts were like proud moms lol

• seeker!!!!

• he always feels bad going against his frens but they just wink at him n he gets confidence

• frequent visits to madame pomfrey bc he a daredevil smh

• joins choir like 3rd year

• he hesitated for so long because he's an insecure bab and !!!!

• but tae n jin r liek cmon boi ur very good let's do this

• he pretends to be a bad boi with bts but he barely gets a glimpse of a professor n he quickly straightens his tie n smooths down his shirt

• art !!!!

• he likes to sketch ppl

• “hey yoongi do this with ur hands”

• wavy haired jungkook 6th n 7th year !!!!!

• his book bag has at least 2 sketchbooks

• he would feel so bad when ppl would notice his robes and point and whisper

• but they realized how he actually was n how bts treated him

• vvvv talented

• catches on to concepts right away

• ppl think he likes defense against the dark arts but actually……..

• care of magical creatures is his fav

• probs lowkey likes astronomy

[mattyslittleworld]

Never Meant

I hear “What are we going through? You and me?” as I watch the sunlight literally tear through the black clouds that were hanging over my town. This is my favorite song by The National - Hairpin Turns. It’s so fucking brutal, and it seems like, to me, he is absolutely desperately fucking annihilated by losing whoever he lost. I’ve been there. And I thought I was going to be there again, pretty soon. I am currently pulled over in my car in a parking lot, as I was on a little drive through the neighborhood. Coffee and some beautiful, subtle music. The sun was out all day, and it’s t shirt weather. So me and Gionna’s ex boyfriends American Nightmare shirt (lol) went on a windows down stroll until suddenly the bright sky was filled with darkness. My one moment to forget about all of this madness was being pushed aside, I just wanted to pretend it was summer, shit was normal, and feel calm and collected, as if literal iced out trucks weren’t being filled with corpses outside of hospitals. We’ve all lost people, in a week, 5 deaths close to my immediate family, bringing my family itself stronger and closer together. Here I am driving into a storm, in a t shirt, just like the current state of American Society. Until.....the clouds part....and as I drive slowly down 35 north....the sunlight starts dancing in the most beautiful way. It was almost an epiphany and it made me think. It made me pull over - within the beautiful chorus of this National song...eloquently tiptoeing in the background. I felt calm. I smirked. If there was a god up top, I thank my guy. But it made me think - hey - we may be walking into a black cloud in just a t shirt, for we’ve been blindsided, but if you walk forward....maybe the sun will come and shit will be better than expected if we stand tall and be brave and love. 

“What are we going through? You and me...”

Currently writing at 2:15 am - two days later than what appears above this. 

I didn’t record any music today, unlike every single day of this quarantine we’ve all been locked into. I wake up, walk over to the mic, which is brand new - and pull up beats or pick up the guitar and hack away. Even if its horrible, its just important to me to get it out. Stack and stack and stack and stack. Ive discovered that during this quarantine - the isolation is making me look inward, and subconsciously pick away at the thing I’ve been chasing for the past few years that ive been so curious and scared about cracking open. But with no distraction of the outside world…because its literally shut down…it makes sense the little bits and pieces of this thing that’s been bleeding into my music….like I said with no distractions…POURS OUT OF ME effortlessly. Im like okay this makes hella sense. With dark city lights and the cage shit and even with the Albee shit I was like…okay this is a NEW DOOR. But do I walk through it? What do I wear? Can I walk back out or will it lock once I get in there? Is it a trap? I need more information. I need more clarity. So without me really knowing what’s in there - I feel like little bits and pieces have been bleeding into my work. And now I finally busted that fucking door down and it wasnt a room…it was the exit to the trap I was existing in my whole musical career. Now liberated. Now free. Now born. This has been so inspiring to me because what people don't really realize about this genre is that its a full on contact sport. Its competitive. Its similar to being an athlete. Which I was my whole life. Similar to basketball - you gotta stay in the gym and the more work you put in...the more shots you take...the better your jump shot is. same with this...theres a fucking skill to it. You can be really good at it. Or you can be trash. And you can utilize it in the most combative ways. It gives me something to attack and focus my need of competitiveness on. Another thing I can obsess over. The samples ive been using in my beats have not ever been used before. These ideas are brand new in this shit. The topics I am spitting about are so serious to me. I want nothing to do with the stereotypical rapper aesthetic - the gimmicks - the drugs….all that can fuck off. I want to make a difference and tackle drug abuse, depression, anxiety, anger, the violence ive seen my whole life, hardcore, my old friends, my new friends, my love life, everything ive experienced. Im using actual real names, with actual real life things that happened with 0 apology about how you feel about it. I want to utilize this to up the worth of my words and vocabulary and paint the portrait of my life. I want it to mean something. I want to make change. Even if its on a small level. Man I feel everything. Its insane how this could all be so evident with just non stop self reflection. You vs. You….who will you become? Like I said…wake up. Hit the mic or bring up beats and just cook. If that hits a wall…just study study study study podcasts and interviews for hours and hours and hours. After that ill play basketball, run a mile, work out, and take it down to Ozark lol. Im invested. I don’t do anything illegal cause im a lil bish ass pussy but I wanna do some crazy shit lolol. 

Anyway, original point, I didn’t record any music. I was feeling restless and packed my shit and drove for literally 5 hours tonight. Went up 287. Hit a few nostalgic spots that I love so much and hold close to my heart. I listened to all the music ive been making. But mainly the objective was to just take a day to free myself of this grind and quarantine and be a fan of music….in the world….and reconnect with that feeling it gives you. I listened to early Alicia Keys, first Drake album, some Russ, some old folk shit, so much beautiful music. Damn it really moved me. 5 hours I drove around just visiting places that my heart are attached to. Those milestone places. Little ones….like a diner in Clark I went to once but something important started there. Or a venue in Hackensack called School Of Rock that I met my boy Alex at…when we attend a Horse The Band show together with a few homies and I got yelled at by some girl by the Merch table cause I used to be so fat and moshed so hard and punched like 14 people in the face and it was so not cool and so out of place lmao. I was in a awkward dress shirt I looked straight out of fucking Billy Madison. Horrible. Its always so interesting to me to return to places like this…after years and years and years of it only being a distant memory…to kind of return and prove it was real. I am such a different person now. As we all are. But I really drifted into a whole other land of opportunity that exists outside of everything I grew up around. Socially too. So sometimes it really does feel like everything and everyone I loved….everything I experienced…was just a dream and didn’t exist. It’s so odd. People I knew for 20 years…have no idea about anything I do now. They just see my social media. But that line is drawn. And vice versa - everyone in my life have 0 idea of my life prior. The people, the interests, the stories I tell are foreign. They’re like hardcore? Whats that? And meanwhile that was the most important thing in my life for literally 20 years….and if you told the people in my life at that time that the people in my life in the future wouldn’t even know what hardcore was….theyd be thoroughly confused as to why I was lying to them. But life goes on…and hey…sometimes you gotta take a trip down memory lane and cry in your car tears of joy that you don’t have to fucking fight loading in your gear anymore and you get to have platinum selling artists touch your beats. Or you get to sing songs with billboard charting artists, who have the biggest billboards you ever seen ,light up Times Square right above the spot you found a 100 dollars with your first love. If you told me that when I found that shit years ago id be like eat a dick we’re going to see Ceremony at the warren American legion peaaaaace lolol. 

Side bar - im listening to the national again. 

But this time the song “Quiet Light” and I want to point out that I think its magnificently adorable that a lyric is

“Im not the spiritual type…I still go out all the time to department stores” 

I have literally no idea what that means but I think its mad cute.

Department stores are cute as fuck because “things” are cute.

Like little things to put on bigger things yanno lol?

I think this song is entirely too amazing to be released to the public, it really makes you question everything you ever made, and reality.  I mean the line “between you and me I still fall apart at the sound of your voice”…OOF. Im just sitting here at 2:46 am on this Sunday, with my eyes closing for small moments to really soak in the beauty of this master piece. Whoever he is talking to ruined him. Ive been ruined, I understand and empathize with this. Primarily making rap and pop music it really opens up my taste to this indie type shit…really falls right into that open wound in the best way. It stings because it hits home so hard, but its so eloquent at the same time. Almost addicting. I want to take a lot of these sounds recreate them, and apply that to the music im making now that exists outside of this genre. I think it’d be crazy and it’d cross two worlds that haven’t been crossed. Damn im out here giving away the tea to you useless fuckers. 

Last night I had a dream about an old friend, that I don’t think is healthy in this time of my life to be around….but damn…it was like I relapsed on the heroin of our friendship. It was the realest shit I have ever dreamt. I woke up - with the exact feeling you get when you go home after you hangout with somebody in the flesh. This whole day it was very real, and felt like I spent a whole night with them, and all my wounds were reopened, all the great times were revisited, and it was just brought to the forefront of my mental. As if we just met. Its crazy dreams can do that. Its just sad that this is such a toxic relationship, and the inevitable cannot be avoided, and a true bond that exists somewhere, deep deep deep down in it, has to be supressed because of the negativity it brings. In the dream we were older, existing without issues, exploring that bond, with issues pushed aside. It was beautiful. I woke up genuinely upset, confused, with a wish that maybe one day we could meet again In a place that’s safe and relevant to who we are. Im at a point in my life where I haven't answered the phone in month for anybody, answered text messages, my bags are packed waiting for this shit to be over with so the rest of my life can begin. Theres no time for friends, love, social activities, or anything that doesn't have to do with business. But there will be a time in the future. This has visited me in the past before. Its interesting when you have to suppress shit that’s extremely bad for you, because its the right thing for you to do…but then the universe bypasses that completely and shakes your fucking soul. During the rest of my day I started realizing that I am really not okay with this person not in my life, like deep in my soul. Its too much of a damn shame, we’ve been through too much together. Every huge milestone in my life as a kid was shared with this person…years and years of growth. Every story I share with people in my life now, was experienced with them, every amazing time, every horrible life altering time. I learned so much, and even taught. I became a young man with them, and then a man. How is it that these new people around in my life have my time…but this person doesn’t? One day we will meet again…when the time is right…..in a different time of our lives. When it’s right. For us. You were my best friend, and no matter how far we are from each other….I got you. In the  depths of my soul and heart. Id literally kill somebody and go to prison for murder for you. But if you happen to read this - you already know that. 

I am listening to “Never Meant” by American Football.

To quote Mike Kinsella 

“Lets just pretend

Everything and

Anything between you and me

Was never meant

Was never meant”

-1-

[survivorwakea]

Episode #3: “New Tribe New Tribulations.” - Ben

That joint tribal went almost perfectly besides the fact that a dean voted for me for whatever freakkkkiing reason, but I really came out of that tribal with close allys in Johnney and Chloe from the other tribes so I really think that is dope I would type more but I’m shot

wow ladies so im sitting on the toilet rn and i am fucking shaking in my boots. do u know how worried i am rn. im so worried. johnny said at the joint tribal that we were SOMEHOW not a part of that the 13 of them had already gotten to know each other and meet each other and everything that hit me rly hard bc like.... shit. shit shit fuck. fuck fuck shit. fuck. they’re friends already and more likely than not lono is gonna get picked off one by one at the tribe swap or whatever im literally so scared

Omg omg omg I just went to like my first ever live tribal and it was soooo exciting omg omg omg. I really loved having the chance to sort of better connect with these people and have a moment with them that you wouldn't otherwise have really. And, I survived so that's a massive plus as well!! Eek I'm just so excited right now to be playing this season and everyone on the other tribes seem so active and happy and I'm really looking forward to getting to know them more throughout the season. It sucks I had to lose Dean but we all have to make sacrifices somewhere.

Just got on new tribes and I’m pleased. I think I should be able to make some strong connections here. Elmo’s on my tribe and that really helps. Also talking to Joey and he seems pretty cool. Hopefully we do a good enough job on whatever song we choose so none of us have to go home. Hopefully Johnny, Justin, and Taylor are alright. I still kinda don’t know what I’m doing or where I am. Didn’t realize until half way through the last round that all 3 tribes were at the combined tribal. I thought there were 10 of us and that it could be a split vote. True flop? Yes. Maybe I’ll decide to get it together.

After a really crazy tribal council, we swapped and to be honest I don’t feel as bad about this as I probably should. I feel like during the joint tribal I bonded well enough with Chloe, Thomas and Taylor where I think that if we go to a tribal I have enough bonds started that will keep me safe at least for another round and on top of that we also got Cullen on our tribe which is honestly the best case scenario because that could honestly be a free round!

Trust Rankings (Early AF) 1. Chloe 2. Thomas 3. Taylor 4. Randy Who’s Cullen?

Well I knew I was going to be talking about the swap eventually. Cullan just got evacuated which is sad and I hope he is doing okay. I'm glad I swapped with Chloe and I feel Adam and Taylor are staring to see me and Chloe as a duo, which can be either good or bad. Randy I need to talk to more. Taylor and Adam both said they would be a number to me and Chloe if we need them, but I hope to hold that off for a little while.I just want to win this next challenge and avoid tribal :)

WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK DOES THOMAS THINK HE IS DOING RIGHT NOW?   Taylor has messaged me saying last night they spoke to Thomas about maybe us 3 working together and that Taylor thought maybe Thomas should message me first about it. But here I am with Taylor messaging me about it and no word at all from Thomas. I've given Thomas a chance to bring it up, I've been sat talking to him about how he's now finished school so he has more time to play orgs. This could so easily lead into a conversation about how Taylor messaged him. But instead he's just said "Im gonna go get a slurpee" well while you're out go find someone else to work with you because you're gonna need all the help you can get because I'm fucking coming for your bitchass now and I'm not gonna stop until it's red raw from taking all these hits from me.

New Tribe New Tribulations. I stayed with Elmo which is good, and I have been chatting up the rest of the tribe. Jared seems nice and I've floated the idea of working with him at a potential tribal. I've talked less with Lily, but she seems nice. People I've talked the least with are Ian and Joey. Joey never responded to my messages, and Ian I just don't talk to lol. I'm pretty confident ian would stick with me and elmo and I think we could successfully target Joey, especially if we hold the milo 3 over their heads and threatened rocks.

So, my premonition was most indeed correct. We ended up swapping from 4 tribes to 3 tribes. Not that that’s a totally bad thing. I mean, looking at OG tribes on Haumea 2.0, I’m in a 3-2-1 majority. And we had a music video challenge. My tribe lip synced to I Write Sins Not Tragedies. The question is, will we be pouring the champagne in victory? Or will the goddamn door be closed on one of us at tribal council?

whew. sorry i haven’t made a confessional yet i’ve been busy. but now i feel like i’m gonna leave out important info so let’s hope i don’t. we swapped tribes and that was... a bummer. i had my 3 person alliance over on my other tribe and i had elmo! i miss elmo so much and just hope we meet again soon. i don’t really loooove my new tribe.. i like justin of course and i think i’ve been hitting it off with johnny. and strayed talking to anbel a bit. tried to talk to bodhi and asya but nothing really clicked. here’s something interesting.. justin told me he went idol searching and he looked where i looked round one and where i found the idol. he told me that a power was there but it’s now gone and he told me that johnny told him he looked there but said he just drowned in the vortex and didn’t say anything about a power being there. so i think johnny just messed up his words but now justin thinks johnny has a power and i’m just letting him think that and throwing scenarios out there and i can let johnny take the blame hehe. i also went idol aka advantage searching somewhere and i got somewhere asking if i’d be willing to give up 2 votes. i thought about how during the joint tribal a vote was missing so i assumed whatever power is there, somebody has it. so i said nope bye i want my votes! i told justin about this so i can kinda pin asya having this power since she was at the joint tribal and she’s on my tribe now so it could be a good excuse to vote her off if we ever go to tribal and i can be safe another round.

so now justin thinks johnny has the idol or some kind of power even though it’s really me who has it. and thinks asya has whatever power she got for giving up 2 votes. idek if asya is the one who got that power but i needed someone to pin it out so we have an excuse to vote her out and i can stay safe.

i also wanna apologize for whatever spelling mistakes i make and if i literally don’t make any sense at all. it’s so hard to type up exactly what i’m feeling and put it into words kdkdkdkd.

Trust List:

1. Joey 2. Anabel 3. Elmo 4. Ben 5. Bodhi 6. Lily 7. Randy 8. Ian

so we swapped which is great! the initial numbers are 3-2-1 and im in the 3 so that's great! however ian isnt the most socially active player so i think he could easily be the target of the 2 and the 1 and i dont think either ben or myself would want to pull a rock for him right now

i think i will hint him to get close to like lily or someone so in case we ended up losing a challenge she'd want to target joey instead of him. thats the goal. i dont want to lose ian bc basically if lily sides with joey in that situation, jared will be the decider and while i do trust jared, i think it gives him too much power yanno and it might be enticing for him to stick to his OG tribe ally rather than two ppl he met at the swap

im not sure how that will go but i hope well hehe! ALSO I FOUND AN IDOL, ZACK'S INFORMATION PULLED THROUGH!!! i havent told anyone yet, in fact host made a mistake in the beginnin sayin that it was already found and then said like 1h later, oh u actually have an idol and that got me SHOOK TO MY CORE! the awk thing is that i told ben already that i didnt find it so hdiasfahsdif! i just hope that when / if i tell him, he wont be too upset with me bc i right now i consider us p close!

It’s hot as hell where I am right now. Better to be sweating over the heat than sweating over tribal, I guess.

I got tribe swapped fucked and im annoyed.

So i got put on a tribe full of STINKY stinky players. And the challenge is a lipsync so im like "submit the lipsyncs ASAP" and theyre practically more than useless and do nothing. So we submitted practically nothing because theyre so fucking bad at time management. And now we're at tribal.

Nobody talking to me about the vote, so I'm going home. I'll try and pull a stunt but idk. Wish me luck

Milu 2.0...hmmm... Where do I begin? 🤔 So my feelings on the tribe are mixed. Adam, Tom and Chloe were all part of the previous joint tribal so I had already had conversations with all of them. It made it easier to socialize when the swap actually did happen. Tom seems like a cool cat, and I had approached him with the idea of him, Chloe and I grouping up. Chloe seemed more than okay with it, but Tom never talked to Chloe about it like he said he would. That raised some red flags for me and Chloe. Adam and Randy I didn't feel as comfortable to begin with, but in the past day or two Adam has really came around and proposed we work together. Thus CAT was born. It's maybe not something long term but I think I could have great allies in Chloe and Adam individually. Tonight's vote is probably the most uncomfortable yet. Nothing feels solid, everything feels very much in the air, even if I have a majority alliance. This game is a rollercoaster and tonight I'm teetering on the edge and I have that sinking feeling in my gut. All I can do is put blind faith in my people and hope for the best.

Milu 2.0...hmmm... Where do I begin? 🤔 So my feelings on the tribe are mixed. Adam, Tom and Chloe were all part of the previous joint tribal so I had already had conversations with all of them. It made it easier to socialize when the swap actually did happen. Tom seems like a cool cat, and I had approached him with the idea of him, Chloe and I grouping up. Chloe seemed more than okay with it, but Tom never talked to Chloe about it like he said he would. That raised some red flags for me and Chloe. Adam and Randy I didn't feel as comfortable to begin with, but in the past day or two Adam has really came around and proposed we work together. Thus CAT was born. It's maybe not something long term but I think I could have great allies in Chloe and Adam individually. Tonight's vote is probably the most uncomfortable yet. Nothing feels solid, everything feels very much in the air, even if I have a majority alliance. This game is a rollercoaster and tonight I'm teetering on the edge and I have that sinking feeling in my gut. All I can do is put blind faith in my people and hope for the best.

This confessional is for the Third cycle where the end result was 4-1 (Randy, Tom) Loosing this challenge as honestly a rally hard pill to swallow I was absolutely pissed if we’re being honest, pissed at the fact that the final product was my video that as supposed to get snipped and trimmed because I didn’t know legit anything about that song or even lii syncing. I think me competing and being the one that submitted helped me when it was time to vote somebody out because I was told by basically everyone that sending me home would have been a silly decision. I honestly think my only option was too got out Randy because I think I’m solid with everybody else individually where I was trying to force something with Randy. If we lose again things will honestly go from 0 to 100 real fast as I don’t think anybody knows if Tom and Chloe are actually tight or what the deal is there but that will one hunger percent come in to place. All in all very successful round for me in my opinion. I think I need to be careful not to build this huge target on my back but I’m staying focused and just plowing through

https://soundcloud.com/bodhi-small/week3/s-0kmTB

I’m doing wonderful! As far as this game is concerned, Jared and I are tighter than Ralphie May’s(RIP) pants. We know what each other is doing, and we communicate CONSTANTLY. Ian is tricky to get. He just says “Oh, okay” to everything, its as if he’s building up a wall to prevent me from having a social game, it’s highkey INFURIATING. I LOVE LILY, she’s an actual angel, and she’s a good player. I like Elmo alot, he’s definitely at a disadvantage due to his timezone. As far as everyone else, I’m getting closer to Asya as we’ve put our “beef” aside and we realized we’re friendly. Johnny and I have known each other for 3 years, he was the first person I knew in this community, he was the first person who hosted me and got me into this community, he’s going to always be like a brother to me.

________________________________________________________________

Cullan is removed from the game. Randy is voted out 4-1.

[stim-urself]

im just really depressed pls dont read this

yooo so i fricken idek 

im like on my computer because i wanna set up  a nice queue so i can keep my blog like consistant so yall can see pretty things idek i feel dumb for that??? idek but i get on here and i keep trying but my focus and brain hurts and i look at the screen for no more than twenty seonds before getting distracted by something else and it sucks because by the time i look back at the computer, anything that i WAS interested in has already like slipped my mind and idek what im looking at anymore!!!! aNd plus its like my head is killing me maybe because my wisdom teeth are comin in???? idk!!! idk anything right now lol!!! I have brain fog i hate it i hateit and like 

i jssst did it again ohmygod i literally just looked away for like five minutes and loko back and realise that  i was writing trhis post???!? jesus christ????>! im like so over it all lol! like forreal im hurting so bad and i knEW That i wouldn’t be able to do much at all today so i was wanting to set up the queue and then do my BEST to take a shower , i was gonna eat but reemembered we are out of food. honestly i odn’t even know what to do at this point i can bare;y even function anymore and i can’t make any sort of money adn the job i did have online isn’t somethign i can do anymore because my body ust KEEPS fighting me and i hate it i wish i could just like do some crazy deed and get a new one or sell my fucking soul idek tbh like i just dont know what to do. im so worried and scared all the time and one of the few fun things i have left in life is the internet (certain parts of it obviously lol) and like this blog helps me a ton and i can’t even enjoy it really either and i just wanna so bad i just wanna be chill and be oka and not hurt so bad ican barely hadnle it. like its so stupid why is this? a thing? and on the outside im like chill af and almost 90% of the time,unless you are conner or shaina, you have no idea that im hurting so bad i could break down at any moment!!! its rlly dumb!!iii alWAYS do my best to be a happy person (which never really works but im good at coming off positive, which is all that matters yanno) and i always do everything i can to be a good friend and not make people worry about me more than they already do !!1 and lately ive been so scared to ask for help at all because honestly im so tired of my whole life being a charity case but like forreal i hae no idea what tod o at this point and its so fucking scary . my mental and physical health is so shit at this point and like????a efw weeks ago i went to the store and the lady checking out my groceries yanno being a good worker or whatever and she was like ‘how are yall doing today :)” and i was like im good!!! and then like i started to tear up???? infront of the random worker lady??? i felt so bad and i tried to not let her notice because idek i dind’t want her to think maybe she did something wrong??? idek and conner was liek woah woah you okay?? why are you crying hunny its gonna be okay we are about to be leaving and i was like yeah no im fine! and he made me go on to the car and wait for him and mom . i felt so stupid. and i just wish i knew what to do with myself. i hate living in the hotel. i feel like, idek im so blessed and happy to even have a roof over my head, access to the internet, i have clothes to wear (most of the time), i have access to water, ellectricity, a shower and shampoo, ect, so i feel like a total shit person for even complaing, so i never really do but like this is my post and i highly doubt anyone at all has read this far lol so oh well!!! like

this hotel room is sos small and im stuck living with my ex and i am still so desperately inlove with him and honestly our relationship is so unhealthy for me but honestly i have no where else to go and if i got down to it, even if i got out, id probaly want him to come with me lol but honestly though like atleast it wouldn’t be here in this ne room with our one bed where WE sleep and our mini fridge and the one tv with his xbox and his food and his things and his stuff that im literally just a bum yall.

and i don’t even have a way to fix it and like last time i went to stay with my mom (which isint’ even an option anymore because she just moved in with my aunt,) i was without help for the first time inn a while and my body honestly can’t take shit anymore and i woke up and as usual i couldn’t fucking walk and i had to peee and i was crying like the second my eyes opened lol because im a lil bitch honestly and it hurt so bad and i did my best to try to stannd up but the matress was on the floor and i couldnt get up and i ended up fzallling and when i fell i fucking pissed myself. l;ike forreal. a 20 yr old pissing herslef. i was so fucking mortified and i couldnt really move and it was so embarrasing and no one weas there to see it thank god but i was stuck there for a good ten minutes. l;o,l1!! wowowow how awesome!!! andyanno its so ssscary because i know the issues i have like, dont get better. like they don;.t thats just not how it works. infact they ten to get worse for msot people, so im like stuck, and its so scary to know that someday , if i make it, imma be a 30 yr old, unable to walk, lonely and probably dying from the weight on top of her heart because she got so fat nothin could fit it! and in so much pain that she can’t even wipe her own ass!! lol! wow yanno honestly thix post makes me seem insane. but fuck that like hoenstly. honestlly i don’t have a single soul to tell anything to anymore. i feel so trapped, and scared and worried and i am crying and stresssed and honestly fuck it if me writing a thousand miles a minute helps me feel better, so be it like im not ebeven gonna worry .i just rreally wish i knew what to do to make things right. 

ok imma go now . if you read all of this, im so sorry , but thankyou for taking your time to care about me.