#lol can you imagine
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Loki: You know, if you and Thor'd get married, we'd be in-laws.
Sif: Wow... Thor's just gotten way less tempting.
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pov breaking dawn final chapter
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i’m sure louis would love a pair.. 😏
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maybe this is the night ill finally post some coloben yaoi ...
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Can we see Z twerk?
Z lacks what all sentient beings have… an ass. At least he is one!
Translation: LET US HUMILIATE YOU INSTEAD
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Why I Wrote TWILE
I just want to be clear, I’m not posting this looking for sympathy or criticism or any particular kind of attention. To be honest, I’m posting this because my therapist told me I should try being emotionally vulnerable in a safe space, which like, gross but whatever fine I’ll do it, she’s the expert I guess.
Fine. I’m also doing this for myself.
I guess I love self-torture.
OKAY FINE yes I’m doing this because I want to and I’m serious, no sarcasm or deflecting jokes.
Just me. Being emotionally vulnerable. 🤮.
Tagging a few lovely people who have supported me and this story since the beginning or very nearly. I don’t expect you to read this, every word or at all, I just wanted to share this part of myself to better communicate why your support means so much to me, if you choose to read it. ❤️ you all
TW for depression and suicidal thoughts. Sorry 😅
@leithatnight @shirks-all-responsibilities @katareyoudrilling @ah-prick24
And if she ever crosses over to the hellsite from AO3, NumaNerraNerra.
*****
I wrote the first words of what would become The World Is Light, Embodied almost two years ago.
I remember it very clearly. It’s one of those singular points in your life that stick to the walls of your memory, just as bright and fresh as when it happened, playing on repeat so every time you walk by it’s right there for you to watch. I’ve done that countless times now, wondering over the significance of that moment, trying to figure out why it’s so different from all the other moments of my life, especially all those moments when I wrote other stories.
What made this one moment, this one story, so special that the memory of starting it stands out? Why does it feel like in that moment there was a shift in my very existence when life started moving in a different direction?
I’ve examined it from every possible angle trying to find the answer.
It was around 1am. I was laying in bed, unable to sleep as I waited for what I knew would be another trip to the hospital that night. My ex-husband (though at the time we were married) has a heart disease that was slowly killing him, with no cure or treatment in sight, and for most of 2020 and 2021 we were at the hospital at least once a night.
Well, he was at the hospital.
It was in the middle of the pandemic, hospitals weren’t allowing any visitors, so the most I could do was drop him off at the ER doors, sit in the parking lot and wait for someone to call me. To tell me either he was all right, or he… wasn’t. If they even happened to get my number in the middle of the chaos.
That particular night, as I lay there listening to my ex grab what few minutes of sleep he could get before his heart woke him up again, I was letting my thoughts drift, picking through whatever floated to the surface of my mind, and for some reason (probably because I’m a giant SW nerd) I started piecing apart the first season of The Mandalorian, contemplating the character of Din Djarin and how beautifully complex and layered he is, how conflicted and tragic, yet despite that, a character who eventually finds some sort of happiness.
S1 is when Din is shoved into situations where he has no choice but to make decisions. Should he betray the Guild to rescue the child? Should he take the child into his care? Should he seek help from others outside of his covert and trust people who may learn things to use against him? Ultimately, those decisions force him to face his past, present and future, and begin to discover who he truly is.
I didn’t really see the connection then, but I think I was drawn to him because of that - here was a character who had been through so much, had shut down emotionally and forced the entire galaxy out, focused on his obligations to avoid dealing with his own pain, yet somehow, he found a tiny spark of light in the darkness. He found hope. Because he made choices that led him down a path where he could see that light.
But the thing that drew me to him the most was the conflict of his obligation to his people - to others - and his need for self-fulfillment. Because they weren’t one and the same.
He was morally committed to his creed but despite what he thought, it did not truly fulfill him, give him the sense of purpose that he was seeking. This is what resonated the most with me.
Because as my ex-husband was fighting for his life, as I was sitting in parking lots at all hours of the day waiting for that phone call, as I was working every spare minute at my full-time job to pay the bills but also struggling to keep our owner-operated business from going under, as I was stumbling along the dark path with no hope in sight, I was thinking of divorce.
And I was so deeply, unshakeably ashamed.
Things hadn’t been good between us for years. We were never great together, playing off each other’s negative traits until it quickly became toxic, then outright abusive. But we cared about each other, and we were following those steps that we were told we should - find a partner, get married, settle down. So we did the whole song and dance, trying all the tricks to make it work - moved cities several times for a “fresh start,” bought a house, tried and failed to have kids, opened a business to, for me at least, fill that void that children might have, thinking working together to grow a business would make our relationship stronger.
But if the foundation is weak, it doesn’t matter what you build. It will always crumble, given time.
There was no precise moment when I realized I needed to leave him. It’s like it was bubbling beneath the surface of my awareness for a long time, a familiar background hum, so when it finally came to the forefront there was no epiphany. Just a tired, defeated acknowledgment of that truth.
I started making plans. Thinking about how I could get out, how I could save up money - all of our banking accounts were shared - and where I could go. I started planning out how I was going to tell him.
And I began trying to bolster my self-confidence, reassure myself that I could do this, I could get out and I could make a life for myself that didn’t feel so dark and heavy.
It took several months for me to finally start believing that rhetoric.
Then I began looking at ads for apartments, subtly weeding through my belongings to get ready to pack, gearing myself up for the moment when I would say those words out loud and finally take the next step in my life.
Shortly after, he almost died, the first time.
Everything else was pushed aside as we worked through appointments and tests and procedures. Processed possible diagnoses, the implications of such.
But it was still there, in my mind, that understanding of how unhealthy our relationship really was, how desperately I needed to get out of it, through the months and eventually years of waiting for an official diagnosis.
And what was I going to do, leave this human being who had been my partner for 10 years at a time when he was facing that deeply intrinsic fear we can all relate to?
An early death. A life incomplete.
Even though I wanted to leave him, I still cared about him. I loved him, just not in a way that was healthy.
So we stayed together.
As he struggled with facing his own mortality, I fought with overwhelming shame and anxiety and anger. I was furious with myself for wanting a new life while he was trying to hold onto his. What right did I have to wish for more when he was going through so much, when he needed me most? It was nauseating, every time the thought of leaving him crossed my mind.
Which it did. Often.
Because our crumbling foundation was not strong enough to hold up under the strain of such a serious health issue, a business that went under due to so many reasons out of our control, a global pandemic that shoved fear directly into our hearts and minds daily. We were both angry at everything, angry at the life we had thought we wanted giving us so much pain. And we took it out on each other.
The fighting became almost non-stop, increasingly cruel and emotionally damaging. I fell into a deep depression, started searching for other ways out. Started thinking about how easy suicide would be compared to the pain of my day to day.
I’d had suicidal thoughts before, throughout my life. And I’ve learned how insidious they are, how they can tempt so enticingly. But I’ve also learned that’s not something I truly want for myself. I rejected them as best I could.
It wasn’t easy, though. Not when the aspects of my life that had sparked those thoughts into existence were still there.
It only made me desperate to leave, but I was trapped by my obligation to him, my guilt and shame, and I could do nothing but rage and hate myself for even thinking of leaving him.
And on that night almost two years ago, when I lay in bed thinking about Din Djarin who carried so much pain, about this character who was trapped in a life he never asked for and chained to vows he didn’t understand the implications of when he spoke them, how he managed to find something that gave him hope, suddenly Tionas came into being.
This character who, like Din, had suffered and struggled and lost, but somehow found the strength to keep going. Like him, her life was day by day, pulled in different directions but never in the direction they truly needed to achieve happiness. Until they met each other.
And I started writing. Ducked under the covers to avoid the light of my phone waking up my ex-husband - not only to avoid waking him, but also because I felt the need to hide it from him, this little jewel of hope that I’d found in the depths of my mind. He’d made fun of my love of writing too many times for me to trust him with this, and so it became my secret, a hidden niche in my life I could step in and out of whenever I wanted, take cover from everything around me and lose myself in a world that no one else knew of.
My ex-husband did go to the hospital again that night, and as I sat in the parking lot, I kept writing. And I wrote every time I was there again. I wrote about Din and Tionas and Grogu finding each other, and finding happiness, purpose, meaning. I wrote to distract myself from waiting for that phone call from the hospital, from thinking about what my next step would be, from sinking into the cycle of self-hate and shame and desperation for freedom.
Every line of the first draft was an attempt to focus my mind on something other than the fear and helplessness that surrounded me with every step.
I wrote The World Is Light, Embodied to find some hope in a world that seemed so hopeless.
So when I went to post the last few chapters, I was hit, blindsided, by the realization that my source of distraction from pain, that one thing in my life that had held me up at times when all I wanted to do was fall, was ending. I couldn’t handle it, I retreated into myself after working so hard for so long to push back my shell and let others see me. It brought on more shame, disappointment in myself.
It took time, but when I did finally work through how I was feeling, I realized… it was okay. It made sense that I felt the way I did about TWILE ending. It had been a significant part of my life for so long, I was afraid of what life would look like after it was done.
Just like I had been afraid to leave my ex.
I hadn’t been aware, until that moment, of how much fear I’d held onto. Fear of my ex dying, fear of leaving him and failing to find my own path, fear of giving into those suicidal thoughts.
TWILE was my safety net, my distraction from all of that fear. Without it, what would I do? Who would I be? How could I keep going?
The answer was simple. I just… would.
Because it wasn’t a story that kept me alive, that kept me moving forward.
I did.
I found a way to survive, by immersing myself in that imaginary world. I was capable of finding other ways to survive, no matter what I faced.
And that realization led to another - I had done it, something I had worked toward for most of my life.
I had finished a story.
Put a piece of my soul out there for people to see, something that others had found their own personal meaning in, and I understood myself better for it.
I had accomplished something I’d always wanted for myself, despite everything.
Now, I sit here, writing this, alone in my tiny apartment. My ex and I split a few months ago, after several surgeries and a steady run of good health for him. After I finally found the strength to leave and move in the direction I had been looking at from afar for so long.
So. Here I am, at the beginning of my next step, with the last chapter of TWILE complete and posted, ending the journey of those characters who had been stuck on a path that was too dark to see until they finally found a light to guide their way.
My own journey, too.
As I sit here, I think of the people I’ve met through this little Star Wars fanfiction, people I truly consider my friends, who have been there for me when I needed some kind words and encouragement. People that I will continue to cherish and love and grow with.
I think of all those people who - maybe, hopefully - found some light for themselves in this story.
And as I write this, I already know - this moment will also cling to my memory, bright and shining and clear.
This moment is a solemn farewell to my past. Looking back at all the steps I’ve taken, whether it was crawling on my knees or running full tilt or walking steadily head held high. It’s an acknowledgment of what is behind each and every word of this story that was my light in the darkness, my way of working through hopelessness toward hope.
To where I am today. Looking forward, to the next step.
Where will that take me?
I don’t know. But I do know that wherever it is, I’m going to survive. And I’m going to live.
Undefeated.
#another davnitt essay no one asked for#look I did my homework as promised#do I get a sticker this week#obvs joking I do not share my Tumblr with my therapist#lol can you imagine#oof#being emotionally vulnerable is haarrdddd#0/10 not a fan#but it’s done#the world is light embodied#TWILE
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going to chb must be crazy like imagine sharing a camp with
-one of the strongest demigods ever who's saved the world like at least 3 times, fought multiple gods & titans and WON (and is a tartarus survivor)
-the literal main architect of OLYMPUS who's also saved the world multiple times (also tartarus survivor)
-THE lord of the wild who's also close friends with the first two (and has helped save the world multiple times)
-an emo kid from the 1930s who again helped save the world and is also a tartarus survivor (TWICE)
-a son of apollo who survived tartarus with nothing but cargo shorts and sheer will (pun intended)
-the main designer and builder for the argo II, also the first hephaestus kid to have fire powers since hundreds of years ago (did i mention killed gaea? no? yeah he did that too)
-a girl who somehow charmspeak-ed gaea into falling back asleep (also side note daughter of super famous actor because why not)
-pretty much everybody is a two-time war veteran
-THE GOD APOLLO who just sometimes comes down to visit in the form of a teenage boy
-did i mention dionysus, god of wine madness and theatre
-also chiron, trainer of pretty much every greek hero ever
#shit's crazy#theyre basically living history#percy is kinda the new hercules except less macho manly man#'oh who's killed this guy before' 'percy jackson'#like can you imagine playing capture the flag with rhese bastards#ur scaling the wall and you see these mfs make it up there in like 2 jumps#they arent allowed to be in the same team for any of the games because you KNOW theyd beat everyone else's asses#people are fighting to have percy on their team#not to mention the gods that just pop in for a visit every now and then#like at this point the fact that DIONYSUS is their camp counselor isnr even that surprising anymore#some scrawny teen dude shows up and will's just 'oh hey dad'#'YOU MEAN APOLLO????' 'yeah lol he just visits sometimes'#pretty much everyone there has survived at least one war#the background characters must feel hella overshadowed bcs what does it matter if u won a game when the guy in the cabin across has like#saved the world. 3 different times. like wtf#pjo books#leo valdez#trials of apollo#lester papadopoulos#pjo fandom#percy jackson#grover underwood#nico di angelo#annabeth chase#pjo hoo toa#heroes of olympus#piper mclean#chiron#camp half blood#pjo text post
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— subtle physical affection prompts 𓆩♡𓆪
i hope everyone is having a great new year so far! enjoy :D
pushing strands of their hair out of their face
brushing the dust of their clothes
wiping off a food stain near their lips (bonus: you lick it off your fingers)
briefly tracing the lines of their palms
patiently helping them put their shoes on
teasingly playing with the string of their hoodie
nose boops
comparing hand sizes
accidentally grazing their hands as both of you are reaching for the same object
gentle massages for their shoulders
delicately putting your hand on their back
playful stabs with your fingers onto the side of their waist
ever so light forehead pecks
#imagine your otp#otp prompts#dialogue prompt#otp ideas#fluff#romance prompts#writing scenarios#fluff prompts#soft prompts#physical affection#physical affection prompts#can all of you tell i'm touch starved LOL
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Hugh Dancy remembering Ella Enchanted 20 years later
#can you imagine if they made a sequel lol#ella enchanted#hugh dancy#prince charmont#anne hathaway#filmedit#ella enchanted gifs#hannibal#hannibal cast#hannibal cast gifs
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Kabru has a secret admirer in the castle!
#running from my responsibilities (drawing armour) by imagining post canon Kabru fashion#minor spoilers in the tags!#royal advisor Kabru’s office is probably overflowing with gifts from foreign dignitaries eyeing him up for marriage#and sacks of perfumed letters from Melini citizens#Marcille would be so sick of it#Laios also has his fair share of proposals#Yaad is like … boys spare us all and pick a suitable candidate already#well Yaad there’s a saying that goes two birds one stone#anyway lol#someone might have suggested to Laios ‘hey Kabru works so hard. you should show your appreciation.’#Laios (blushing sweating): uuuh how do i do that#Marcille probably: i hear it’s customary to give your royal advisor flowers the same colour as their beautiful blue eyes#Laios: well if you say so#but he starts having second thoughts bcs what if the gift is too romantic#so then Laios is like oh i know i just won’t sign it (:#fool proof plan Laios good job#totally not taking into account that Kabru can recognize his penmanship at a first glance#so at their next meeting Kabru is like ‘i wonder who my secret admirer in the castle is 😉’#and Laios sweats so hard he falls out of his throne#doesn’t Kabru of Melini have a nice ring to it#better yet …. Kabru Touden#much to consider#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#kabru#kabru of utaya#labru#if you squint#wasabi doodles
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It was really nice to have Maddie this season where she felt safe and good in her life.
#911#911edit#911castedit#911 abc#911 on abc#paleyfest#jennifer love hewitt#ryan guzman#911 cast#please give me this in s8#did everyone know that these 2 were supposed to be a thing#but they saw her chem with kenny and changed it lol#can you imagine how different this show could have been#anyway EDDIE MADDIE FRIENDSHIP S8#mystuff#1k
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Since I've seen it I couldn't stop thinking about it (please don't kill me x,,d)
Ironically I think Doofenshmirtz and Perry's dynamic kinda could work with Mike and William
[second part here]
#actually mike would take perry's place#but taking into account how alike william and mike looked doof would make more sense to be compared with william#'cuz you know... mad scientist doing evil plans and all that lol#anyways they would be so silly and it's so fun to imagine them like that jhasjshs XD#oh- the wonders you can do as an artist x'd#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#michael afton#william afton#springtrap#fnaf fanart#art#my art#artwork#my artwork#drawing#illustration#digital art#digital artwork#digital drawing#digital illustration#artists on tumblr#fanart#videogame fanart#fnaf art#mike afton#scooped michael#purple guy#fnaf 3#heinz doofenshmirtz
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Ch. 37 "Of Saints and Sinners" is out! Read here
#my art#radioapple#chaggie#hazbin hotel fanart#of saints and sinners#osas#outfit refs but as per usual you can draw/imagine it however you want lol#actually this is my first time drawing four people in one go LOL#it almost killed me tbh
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my pitch for a season 2 of last cookie standing
#i only drew unserious shitposts but you can imagine the actual dynamics between the characters here#at first i put poison mushroom instead of choco werehound but remembered children werent allowed on the show#so our beautiful princess is here instead#the idea was “bunch of normal characters and then one of the beasts is just There and no one knows theyre a beast”#and i think sm is the only one who would insert himself into a gameshow just for fun.. whether he wins or not is another story#i think out of everyone here raisin and rebel are probably the only ones with altruistic intentions for wanting 1mil crystals lol#share it among ppl who need it#cookie run#cookie run kingdom#crk#last cookie standing#im probably gonna hit tag limit ill just tag the charas i drew#shadow milk cookie#raspberry cookie#shining glitter cookie#black lemonade cookie#wildberry cookie#crunchy chip cookie#glitternade#wildchip#my art#shitpost#clip studio paint#2024#1k
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seb is lucky ominis cant see ref from triptrippy
#seb getting payback/mishebaving when omi berates him bc he cant see what hes doing........hes such a little shit#i also imagine omi smacking him like YES SEBASTIAN! I KNOW WHAT YOURE DOING YOU IDIOT LOL#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#ominis gaunt#clora clemons#choccyart#also reminds me of when i first played HL and ominis catches the MC coming from the undercroft. i was like#i know its not ideal but couldnt mc just shove by him and quickly run away before he realizes who it is LOL#i (and most others) headcanon ominis being super perceptive tho... hed probs be able to tell anyway😩#which is probs why clora is so nervous in this pic LMAO shes like seb... i dont know HOW but i just know.... OMI CAN STILL SEE YOU
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start with the basics and finish the animatic i have almost done?
nah dude have them beta kids dancing in 12fps
#homestuck#john egbert#rose lalonde#dave strider#jade harley#og animation#i did this in two days send help it was harder than i imagined lol#Anybody got tips on how to keep color calibration on win? And w accurate colors?#I have to check settings every day for it to turn on#And you can tell TODAY IT DECIDED NOT TO#Jade's green look turned off 😭
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