#living shit post
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bad dating stories time: the shoe incident
so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.
at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.
he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?
and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.
but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.
i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?
(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)
and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.
i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.
that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.
i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.
anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.
i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.
we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.
he was okay at it.
eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.
soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.
realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:
"i can't get pregnant"
which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.
still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"
and then i was in my car, and i drove away.
if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.
and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.
WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.
we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.
do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.
and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.
then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.
and then they started making out.
i was close enough to hear it.
i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.
so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.
now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.
so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.
about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.
my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.
my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.
they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?
and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.
#dating stories#anecdotes#long post#funny story#babylon#im really bad at dating#like i can do a lot better than this but also it just was kind of a nightmare for me#shit like this did make the whole thing easier tho#like#every date after this i could go you know ive seen how bad it can get#and i lived#didnt even get shot#writing
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fionna and cake but simon drops increasingly wild anecdotes about his life
#fionna not knowing anything about him is so damn funny bc she will say shit like ‘relax i’ve played a lot of post apocalyptic RPGs’#COMPLETELY unaware#boring my ass this man is 1058 years old lived thru a nuclear apocalypse was a crazy ice wizard for a while was almost digested by cthulhu#he’s anything BUT boring#he just doesn’t say shit lmao#fionna and cake#adventure time#atimers#fionna and cake fanart#adventure time fanart#fionna campbell#simon petrikov#princess bubblegum#cake the cat
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Part of the reason that Republicans are so desperately acting like they will never lose again is because they are deeply terrified that this is their last real chance to win. The big orange dipshit came in and gutted the party of everyone who wasn't a loyalist, which left it full of nasty little gremlins who have gaping voids where charisma and human decency is supposed to go.
They still hold a lot of power, but if we stop them this year the next presidential election may not be the Most Important One Of Your Life™, that's not a guarantee or anything, but if they don't win here and now their future looks grim, this dipshit is the only guy they have left and he's extremely diminished and has his brains leaking out of his ears at this point. We can beat him into the ground.
So that's what we're gonna fucking do. We're gonna break these fucking fash. They will crash upon us and we're gonna break their fucking necks. When they come for us they will lose because they're fucking losers and we have each other's backs which is something they fundamentally are incapable of comprehending.
#We will fight them on the shores in the trenches etc etc etc#I know it's been said before but the people who said it were right to beat back fash for whatever else they weren't right about#Fuck these fucking little bastards who want to rule our fucking lives and destroy our communities#They've got too much power as is and right now is our moment to crush them and take it back#If you're not into Harris fine work to kick the GOP off your city council they're shitty little gremlins there too I guarantee it#(Hell if you're in LA there's two good chances to swap a shitty Dem for a good dem on the council)#But it's time to fucking break their necks and if we do it here the worldwide movement of these fuckers is gonna follow#Not because we're particularly special but because our fascists are pretty large exporters of the stuff#A loss for them is going to shred their party this unholy alliance is already fraying between the fundamentalists and the tech ghouls#Let's magnify that shit for them by making them eat it.#Don't mind me I'm just sick of these fucking ghouls and ready to make them suffer for what they've tried to do#All implied violence in this post is metaphorical ;)
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going to chb must be crazy like imagine sharing a camp with
-one of the strongest demigods ever who's saved the world like at least 3 times, fought multiple gods & titans and WON (and is a tartarus survivor)
-the literal main architect of OLYMPUS who's also saved the world multiple times (also tartarus survivor)
-THE lord of the wild who's also close friends with the first two (and has helped save the world multiple times)
-an emo kid from the 1930s who again helped save the world and is also a tartarus survivor (TWICE)
-a son of apollo who survived tartarus with nothing but cargo shorts and sheer will (pun intended)
-the main designer and builder for the argo II, also the first hephaestus kid to have fire powers since hundreds of years ago (did i mention killed gaea? no? yeah he did that too)
-a girl who somehow charmspeak-ed gaea into falling back asleep (also side note daughter of super famous actor because why not)
-pretty much everybody is a two-time war veteran
-THE GOD APOLLO who just sometimes comes down to visit in the form of a teenage boy
-did i mention dionysus, god of wine madness and theatre
-also chiron, trainer of pretty much every greek hero ever
#shit's crazy#theyre basically living history#percy is kinda the new hercules except less macho manly man#'oh who's killed this guy before' 'percy jackson'#like can you imagine playing capture the flag with rhese bastards#ur scaling the wall and you see these mfs make it up there in like 2 jumps#they arent allowed to be in the same team for any of the games because you KNOW theyd beat everyone else's asses#people are fighting to have percy on their team#not to mention the gods that just pop in for a visit every now and then#like at this point the fact that DIONYSUS is their camp counselor isnr even that surprising anymore#some scrawny teen dude shows up and will's just 'oh hey dad'#'YOU MEAN APOLLO????' 'yeah lol he just visits sometimes'#pretty much everyone there has survived at least one war#the background characters must feel hella overshadowed bcs what does it matter if u won a game when the guy in the cabin across has like#saved the world. 3 different times. like wtf#pjo books#leo valdez#trials of apollo#lester papadopoulos#pjo fandom#percy jackson#grover underwood#nico di angelo#annabeth chase#pjo hoo toa#heroes of olympus#piper mclean#chiron#camp half blood#pjo text post
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every year i reach new lows and wish i killed myself earlier
#mentally unstable#vent post#vent blog#i wanna die#i wanna kms#tw depressing thoughts#i hate everything#depressing shit#bpd vent#bpd stuff#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#actually borderline#actually mentally ill#bpd#living with borderline#borderline blog#borderline personality disorder#borderline problems
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looking for someone on Tatooine
#commander cody#coday#cody day 2224#codywan#tatooine husbands#looking for obi-wan obviously DUH#ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR CODAY????#I've overdone myself and drawn THREE pieces for today like what????#I did not think I'd get them all done but somehow I did#I'll post them all during this day with little gaps in between#cody my beloved#I gotta say#I've never drawn as good looking rocks as I did here#the ones Cody's sitting on like#THEY AREN'T EVEN THAT GOOD but I suck at any type of background shit so I'm so happy they look decent hahaha#I also live for scavenger/ rebel/ hobo -outfit Cody#and also that he still keeps some parts of his armor#just to be able to kick ppl and droids if the need arises ofc#I love Cody so much I'm so ready for today#star wars#my arts
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Danny: *just chilling on the couch while being very still™️ at the Wayne Manor*
Clark: *comes to visit*
Clark: hey Bruce?
Bruce: yes?
Clark: why is there a dead child in your living room?
Bruce: what 0-0
Danny: oh shit
Danny: *starts up heartbeat* better?
Clark: *even more freaked out*
#someone commented this on another post#and omg I love#just imagine Danny hearing this and immediately panicking#like oh shit forgot to start my heart this morning#shit am I breathing today?#why did they have to notice it takes energy to do living things :(#Batfam: Danny are you alright?#Danny: yup!#Clark: no no he was dead he didn’t have a heartbeat for like 20 minutes since I’ve been here#Danny: don’t fucking blow my cover Boy Scout#Batfam: Danny are your dead? 🥺#Danny: yes—Wait no that’s not I’m not a ghost#Batfam: wut#dp x dc#dc x dp#dpxdc#danny phantom#dcxdp#danny fenton#dp x dc crossover#dp x dc prompt#batfam#dc x dp prompt
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Isabella stewart gardner museum
(yesterday was a perfect day. 🖤)
#I have so many more pictures but I’ll probably only post these here#she’s always wanted to go and holy shit#I’m in love with ancient roman architecture well so many types but#scratched that part of my brain#I’ve since looked it up and I’m proud I was right she loved Italy and the architecture was based off Venice Florence and Rome#gonna go live in Italy because jesus I’d thrive#anyways was a really lovely day man#even down to the insane sunset during a rainstorm was incredible#and late night fam/hangs and laughs#isabella stewart gardner museum#museums#mine
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keep fighting
#excuse the corny ass post but as they say in undertale land#stay determined#i want you to live#kia talks shit
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Imagine you live in pelican town. The new farmer has been here a couple weeks now and seems to be settling in, except... He's picking the weirdest friend choices. Like sure it's not weird to befriend the local fisherman, especially when he has an interest in fishing himself, but you're pretty sure you've seen him rooting through the Saloon's garbage with the local homeless man. As well, he keeps harassing the poor guy who works at Joja even though you KNOW he doesn't want to be friends with him.
And since you're on the topic of weirdness, isn't it odd he seemingly runs everywhere at a full sprint? Or just... Eats entire raw fish while fishing for "energy reasons"...
...
Despite all that, it's too early to call him off putting or anything... He has been engaging in town traditions, and he's started helping out with the old community centre. He's probably like the rest of you. Someone with a few quirks, that will fit in with the valley great!
Surely he can't get any weirder... Right?
#been playing my new sdv save some more recently#i keep thinking about the whole “eldritch” farmer thing#where the famer is just... objectively strange#i fucking love it#i love the idea of the farmer being some sort of higher being#someone who doesnt understand local conventions#someone who doesnt get why its considered weird to eat whole raw fish fresh from the river#or how it might be offputting to greet someone for the first time using their name#but at the same time#this eldritch entity genuinely wants to be a part of the community#they want to learn and they want to love and they want to learn to love#i see minmaxxer/speedrunner eldritch famer a lot#mainly played off for gags#but not genuinely loving their live in the valley eldritch farmer#at least not often#theres so much temptation to write an eldritch farmer x shane fanfic set in spring 1 or some shit lmao#text post#stardew valley#sdv#sdv farmer
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ghost horses
GHORSES
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#ask#wei wuxian#a-yuan#What a post to have a-yuan make his PD-MDZS debut on!#You're so right...if WWX were to summon a horse it would be a ghorse (ghost horst).#If he gets to have a ghost girl posse then why not also let him have a stable of beautiful ghost horses?#Yiling Laozu rides into town with his haunted vegetables and ghostly steed and zombie vegetable seller.#Serving a look that they might call 'off-putting' and 'discomforting'. To the *weak*!#WWX probably would let A-yuan pet the Horsies but hear me out: this is for the funny punchline.#To be honest where he lies on the triangle of 'can we get mcdonkcles?' triangle really depends who's asking.#I think he leans more on the 'orders a black coffee for himself and leaves' but with a shit-eating grin for most people.#He seems like a goofy guy who'd love to eat Mack O'donnel in the middle of the night with his friends.#But WWX lives his life with the innate sense to be an agitator. He wouldn't miss the opportunity to pull a prank like that.#I think he'd only actually go to Mick Dick's if Yanli asked#Feel free to disagree of course! He has his layers!
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They're the best of each other!
#Something that was meant to be just a quick little drawing of Pete and Steph#I really havent drawn them all that much#and i wanted to work on my steph design#I have a ton of art in my drafts that I have yet to post#so i'm just posting these while I work on more pulp art#idk i thought this was cute#Oh guess what- i got a new facts book#so i'm gonna start doing the fun facts again!#fun fact: squirrels can climb trees faster than they can run on the ground#there are so many squirrels where I live and just about everytime I'm driving in my neighborhood I get scared I'll hit one#the little shits just really love sitting in the middle of the road until the last second smh#hatchetfield#starkid#team starkid#nerdy prudes must die#npmd#starkid npmd#steph lauter#stephanie lauter#mariah rose faith#mariah rose faith casillas#pete spankoffski#peter spankoffski#joey richter#my art#lautski
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happy halloweeeeeeeeeeeeen!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!
#watermarked becos these will be keychains#also perfect opportunity to show me rollo n fellow mips.. realizin i havent shown them in a post aside from like. catalogues HAHDGGHFGHF#live laugh love skully!!!!!!#happy skulley kyaaaa#twst#twisted wonderland#halloween#glorious masquerade#stage in playful land#lost in the book with tim burton's the nightmare before christmas#leona kingscholar#jamil viper#sebek zigvolt#rollo flamme#fellow honest#im putting his en name for shits n giggles#ernesto foulworth#skully j graves#twst gidel
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it's so jov(i)er
#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#javier escuella#john marston#jovier#omg im posting again<3#also yes im making the same live reaction joke whatever suck my ass#ive been meaning to post this shit for weeks#my art
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feeling funny after eating the big anchovy ⚠️⚠️
#art tag#hlvrai#melt together au#frenrey#oh boy get ready#hlvrai gordon#benrey hlvrai#hlvrai bubby#hlvrai tommy#tommy coolatta#hlvrai dr coomer#belley calhoun#<-my fem benry design#half live vr but the ai is self aware#cw blood#gordon feetman#comic plot explanation post soon…#i have to work out infographics and configure a website#shit is taking a while scratches sack
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TMA au but it’s just Gerry posting insane things like “here’s *another piece of his art which is super impressive* sorry it took so long I was in prison” and “hey I haven’t been active for two months I was tracking down a cult got into a fight with a member and we both landed in a hospital (he died but that was not because of the fight)” and his comments are just people spamming “WHO ARE YOU???”
#he has the life of an ao3 fanfic writer#he giver Jon the password to his account and tells him to make a post about his death and make it sound ridiculous but believable#for normal ppl#maybe also to reveal his identity for shits and giggles he’s dead why would he care#the magnus archives#tma#tma podcast#gerard keay#gerry keay#my tma aus#this is similar to the yt au but it’s just because I live for socmeds#and exposing normal people to insane thtings
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