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johnwickb1tsch · 5 months

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THE DEVILS' TRIANGLE

A Yandere Tex Johnson x Witness!Reader x John Wick (& now John Constantine) Imagine Part 8 by:

@treedaddymcpuffpuff @sweetwolfcupcake @johnwickb1tsch and @tammykelly (with honorary dream weavers / shit stirrers @lilspookymeh & @kurai-hono-blog 😘)

Warnings: So many dead doves! Do not eat! Unless you like dead doves, that is. You're in good company here. 😘 Violence, sexual content, blood, murder, kidnapping, possessive behavior, dubcon, yandere sh!t...it's all here! Please take care! 😘

ALL CHAPTERS

PART 9

Johnwickb1tsch:

Wick could have been an asshole about buying a brand new kitchen, sundries included–but instead he merely shrugs off Constantine's hostile question. "Seemed like the least I could do."

Constantine glares, but lets it go, begrudgingly sitting down to a delectable meal cooked by the man he knows, deep down, that you've never been able to forget.

At Tex's midday administering of magical medicine, he takes your hand after you finish, refusing to let go. "Set with me a while, Rattlesnake." He pats the couch, on which there is no room unless you were to sit in his lap–undoubtedly his hope.

With a sigh and a knowing smirk you settle back in your chair. Your eyes are drawn to the burn upon his chest. He will carry that mark for the rest of his life, even if the magic is lifted.

You think on what Papa Midnite said to Constantine. "Take some big feeling..."

It kind of floors you, to think of the energy it took for Constantine to conjure that working out of thin air.

For you.

You told him a little bit about the boys. How they hurt you–and, how they saved your life. How you loved them, and how they destroyed you in their abandonment. No matter how you framed it, Constantine blamed them for the bullet wound forever seared in your side.

However, it wasn’t so simple as that.

"Whacha thinking, baby girl?"

You just shake your head with a tired smile. "Nothing important."

"Hmm. You gonna make me guess? Alright. You're thinkin'...bout that time in Mexico it was just you an me and the stars, out by the pool in our birthday suits."

You snort–quite against your will, it turns into a giggle.

"No..."

"Uh huh. You’re missin' my wicked tongue up between your thighs. I know that look."

"That's enough of that," you say, trying to stand. But he has your hand, and he tugs you so that you fall down to sit on the edge of the couch–and half on him. Your faces hover just centimeters away. You watch with horror a he tries to lean in, capitalizing on the opportunity. By the skin of your teeth, your heart in your throat, you just barely manage to turn your head.

"Didn't you miss me, rattlesnake?" he asks, his deep voice all sultry and low just wrecking you to the bone.

You dare reach up to caress his cheek with the blade of your thumb. "Of course I did. But there’s no going back, Tex. Maybe...that time is behind us." Just saying it hurts like a knife between the ribs, but you go on, “Maybe you and John did the right thing, letting me go.”

He just narrows his dark eyes at hearing that. You hate the way it gives you such a thrill, to the base of your spine, and lower still. “I thought you were mad about that? Hell, I’m still mad about that. I miss you so much I can hardly think straight. There’s just…” He frowns while he says it, but you know it’s just because he’d literally rather take a bullet than talk about his feelings. His grip on your hand tightens; he glares down at your silver rings like they owe him money. “There ain’t no point to anything, when you’re gone. Do you know what I mean?”

You close your eyes; for a moment you feel as though the floor has dropped out from under you, because you know exactly what he means. You lived it for months after they booted you, drifting from country to country, an empty husk of a woman, a gaping black hole where your heart used to be. Only after moving to LA, thinking about going back to school, and meeting Constantine, did your life start to feel like it had some meaning again.

“Yeah. I know what you mean,” you answer quietly. “But how did you think this would go? You’d knock on my door, and I’d just uproot my whole life for you again?”

“Maybe?” The confusion on his handsome face is almost cute. You realize he really did think it would be that easy, and you snort, looking away to a framed Tibetan Thangka painting on the wall. This man. As ever, you’re torn between kissing him and killing him. You have to keep reminding yourself that the former option is not even on the table.

“At least give me some credit. I coulda come in with guns blazin' but instead I brought flowers."

“You want credit?”

“Yeah. I’m practically a changed man. And I wouldn’t mind an apology from Wizard Boy either.”

"You've got to be kidding me." The pair on this man never ceases to amaze you.

"We were just having a little bit of friendly fisticuffs, but he fucked me up pretty good. That’s called unnecessary escalation.”

He would know.

"Spare me the macho bullshit. There’s no such thing as friendly fisticuffs. You were going to hurt my boyfriend, and you absolutely deserved what he gave you. You’re lucky he got Midnite to lift it."

Only a beat later do you realize you called Constantine your boyfriend within earshot of everyone, which you never do, because you both hate labels and the word just seems too high school for what you actually are to each other–but there’s no going back now.

“But–”

At last, at last, you are in a position where you don’t have to swallow his gaslighting. “No buts. You can behave yourself, Tex, or you can go. I mean it.”

Maybe drawn by the sound of your raised voice, Constantine chooses that moment to intervene, appearing at the foot of the couch with a magnificent frown.

“Well well, if it ain’t The Boy Who Lived.”

You know he’s just making yet another Harry Potter reference, but considering Constantine’s history, this nickname makes you flinch. Maybe it’s a mistake on your part, but you bristle. “Don’t call him that.”

Constantine, however, betrays nothing, just crossing his arms with that blandly judgy expression. “It’s alright, y/n. He loves childrens’ books–a man has to stick to his reading level.” You don't feel like arguing about the complexity of the later books, so you let the arrow fly.

You lift an eyebrow, side-eyeing Tex. “You do know an awful lot about Harry Potter for a grown ass man your age.”

For possibly the first time ever Tex actually looks sheepish. “Had to read something while I was in the shit.”

Tex never really told you much about his tour of duty in the Middle East. Bradford had intimated that it didn’t end well–but you weren’t exactly keen to take everything that asshole had said with any sort of seriousness. The thought of him holed up in a mud hut reading about Hogwarts kind of pulls at your heartstrings for some ridiculous reason.

“So what you want, Wizard Boy?” demands Tex, insouciantly refusing to let go of your hand, despite you tugging on it.

“I was going to check your chakras for malevolence, but I'm having second thoughts now.”

“Sounds illegal in five states.”

Constantine snorts. “You want me to double check Midnite's handiwork or not? If there's a trace of darkness left it could spread– and you'll be fucked all over again.”

“Not the way I like, I'm guessin’.”

“Probably not. But then again, you seemed to like Desdemona at the club. You want an introduction?” Constantine has a sly look on his handsome face as he asks this. It must be the succubus you'd run off– the thought of Tex in contact with her again makes you vibrate with jealousy. It is sharp, and fierce, and utterly fucking irrational.

You should encourage Tex to find someone else.

Your heart just doesn't agree.

“I'll…leave you two to it,” you say, reluctantly standing to pull away out of Tex's grip.

Only belatedly, after you've retreated to your room, do you realize that maybe Constantine interrupted your tête a tête with Tex for his sake, rather than yours.

***

John Wick whips you all up a beautiful dinner of sauteed meat and vegetables, complimented with a nice bottle of dry red wine that you're sure did not come from Trader Joe's. You play his sous chef, chopping up veggies, and it almost feels like old times in the kitchen, although he never would have given you access to a big sharp knife before. As though you ever would have had the nerve to stab him.

Tex was another matter.

At first you all sit down to share a semi-awkward meal, peppered with halting silences–until the second bottle of wine comes out, and then things flow more smoothly. It starts with Constantine cracking a joke at Tex's expense, which is surprisingly backed by Wick with a witty aside. Tex responds good naturedly, for once, and you just sit back and watch with a smile, a warm glow in your chest that feels too close to bliss to possibly last.

You help Wick with the dishes, drying as he washes because your dish rack is tiny. “You look tired, sweetheart,” he says after the last plate, bending down to kiss your forehead. You forget. You fucking forget that there are two other people there, one of whom is your current lover, and out of longing and pure habit you tilt your head back for the second staggeringly sweet kiss on your lips that always followed.

Only a long beat later do you realize what you've done, with Wick's shining dark eyes looking down on you, missing nothing. You gasp like a scandalized school girl, taking a small step back. “You're right,” you agree. “I am tired. Good night, everyone.” You're such a coward you can't even lift your head to look at any of them, though you can feel their eyes upon you as you scurry away.

Once in the sanctuary of your room you collapse on the bed, clutching the coverlet in your claws for hands, so embarrassed by your slip that you could die. You know that Constantine loves you, even if he’s never outright said it, and honestly probably never will–and this is how you repay him.

You really are a piece of work.

***

After you retreat, a silence falls over the kitchen, the three formidable men eyeing each other like wolves amidst a power struggle, trying to decide who is the weakest link and who is alpha. It’s Constantine who stands without a word, fetching his green glass bottle of Ardbeg single-malt scotch and setting it down in the middle of the table with a thunk. Then he produces three glasses–none matching–and pours out a finger for each.

“Gentlemen.” He looks between the two assassins seated at his table, a part of him flabbergasted as to how he’d even ended up in this situation. Before he met you, if someone told him someday he would find a woman he loved more than the air he breathed, he would have laughed them out of the room.

Not now.

How the mighty are brought low, and pride goeth before a fall, and all that proverbial biblical bullshit that is old as time and yet somehow still applies. Despite all our advances, humans are still essentially the same animal we were when we first left the cave and started walking upright–or when God created Adam out of dirt, whichever you find more believable.

“I believe we find ourselves at an impasse.”

“How you figure?” asks Tex, knocking back his drink and helping himself to another.

“Does being in love with the same woman ring a bell?”

Wick smirks, watching the exchange between the two, sipping his scotch sparingly. He does not contradict Constantine’s assessment, but in his succinct way he drives home the finer point. “More importantly, that woman is in love with all of us.”

The thought pulls something like a growl from deep in Constantine’s chest, but in the end he acknowledges, “Exactly.”

Tex smirks, leaning on his elbows. “Don’t be sore, Wizard Boy. Be grateful we broke her in for you.”

Constantine seems to count to ten under his breath, restraining himself from unleashing a curse on this fucking cowboy again. “You’re gonna have to give me pointers on how you manage not to murder him daily,” he says to Wick.

“I only listen to about half of what he says,” Wick admits with a smirk, a humorous glitter in his dark eyes.

“Good to know. My point is, if I curse you both into the Seventh Circle, it would hurt her. Likewise, if you two were to dig me a shallow grave out in the desert. You hurt her enough the first time. Do you follow?”

Wick nods, grasping Constantine’s train of thought immediately. Tex, however, has to chew on it a little–maybe because he’d hoped, for once, to finally have this girl to himself.

“You’re saying you don’t mind sharin’,” finally says Tex with a shit-eating grin, leaning back in his chair.

“Oh, I mind,” Constantine is sure to clarify. “But it’s up to her, if she wants you or not. If she decides she wants you to go–I will make you go. If she wants you to stay…” He spreads his big hands, as though to say, we’ll figure it out. Somehow.

Tex narrows his eyes, clearly debating if he should pick a fight over the make you go part, or take it as it sits on the table. “And how do you propose we let her know what we decided about this?”

Constantine snorts at that, draining his glass and standing from the table. “That’s your problem, Howdy Doody. Good night–and may the best man win.” The two assassins watch as John Constantine crosses to your bedroom, and practically shuts the door in their faces.

***

You are drifting on the edge of sleep when Constantine crawls into bed with you. You smile as you feel the familiar pattern of the depression in the mattress, and moan with surprise as he covers your mouth with his. You taste the Ardbeg on his tongue, which explains some of his ardor, but not all. The fury of his kisses on your lips and neck pulls an involuntary moan from deep in your lungs, his big hands digging into the flesh of your thigh, pulling you on top of him.

“John…?” Utterly star-struck, you blink down at him, disheveled in your pajama t-shirt and your hair a mess. He reaches up to cup your cheek, dwarfing your face in his large hand, studying you like there will be a test later. He opens his mouth like there’s something he wants to say to you, but he can’t quite get it out, the words stuck in his throat.

You think you know what it is, and your heart warms for it, that tingling thrill filling your chest and spreading outwards. You’re not even mad, that he can’t say it, because you get him. This is not the week you’re going to push him out of his comfort zone, more than you already have. Most of LA would laugh to hear it, but John Constantine has been a veritable fucking saint the past couple of days, and you’re so grateful to him.

“It’s ok,” you say softly, tracing the line of his square jaw. “I know.”

He frowns, almost like he wants to argue, but in the end he just shakes his head and pulls you to him.

You want to apologize for almost kissing John Wick right in fucking front of him–but that sticks in your throat too. You guess you’re both just a little raw tonight.

He peels off your t-shirt greedily as he guides you down. Hungry lips and a teasing tongue find the sensitive tips of your breasts, making you squirm with longing above him. You know you’ve already soaked through the laughable barrier of your panties, and are probably leaving an unsightly stain on his nice (200 dollar, he likes to tell you with a smirk) white shirt–but if the Chinese laundry down the street can get out demon blood stains, what’s a little cum?

You let out a cry of longing as he releases your nipple with a pop; the ache between your thighs is already nearly unbearable, and you can't stop yourself from grinding against his lean torso. You shut your mouth as soon as you open it, conscious of the paper thin walls and the two dangerous men on the other side of them.

“You like that, baby?” he taunts, hooking his fingers in your panties to tug them down.

“You know I do,” you pant.

“Then let me hear you,” he invites with a wicked smirk, shifting down so that you are nearly sitting on his face. You don’t know what was said out there, but you are starting to get the idea that John Constantine is up to something. But before you can even begin to think what to do about it, he pulls you forward with an undeniable grip on your thighs, and his tongue is laving up your slit.

“Fuck.”

This exclamation is not quiet, and neither are the ones after it. You practically shake the walls with your cries when you cum on his tongue, your body rendered into a quivering mess of over-stimulated nerves. He does not grant you mercy, even when you beg him, and by the time he is done with you, you are halfway to your second orgasm.

“Do you want me baby?” he demands, panting from his champion cunnilingus league exertions as he undresses himself. There is a desperation in his tone you’ve never quite heard before, and you have a feeling he’s not just talking about sex.

“I need you,” you tell him, and you mean every word. It wins you every inch of his hard cock buried inside you, and you can’t stop yourself from moaning, as though there is no room for breath in your body when filled with his impressive manhood. He grips you hard enough to bruise, his face buried in the bend of your neck.

He drives himself inside of you, hips pumping with the fury of his need, but he’s prepared you for it. It’s all you can do just to hold on, to the bed, to him, letting him use you exactly the way he wants to, because you know the past couple of days have been anything but easy for him.

When his thumb finds your clit you think you might die from the overwhelming sensation of it. “No,” you beg, somehow smiling through your exasperation. “Please. Mercy.”

He just pays you that impish curl of lips that always seriously makes you question which side he's playing for. “You can take it,” he informs you. “For me?” The way he pouts down at you while simultaneously rearranging your insides should be illegal.

“Fuck,” you swear again, and he grins down at you, knowing he’s got you in the bag. With your ankles around his ears he slows down for you, but still fills you to the absolute brim, working you in just the rhythm he knows you need with the tip of his too-clever thumb. There is a heart wrenching beauty in making love like this. The two of you have reached an understanding of each other's bodies, a point of familiarity in which you just know, and yet somehow each time is better than the last.

It isn't long before you cum on his cock with a ragged scream that you know there’s no way in hell the boys didn’t hear, yet you cannot stop it, you cannot care, because the man inside you has rendered you into a vessel for this mind-bending pleasure and in this moment, you belong completely to him. His hips snap against yours, and soon he follows with your greedy little cunt fluttering around him, spilling himself inside you with a loud groan.

He collapses beside you, pulling you into his arms. You revel in the sticky warmth of his seed seeping between your thighs, his heart a furious drumbeat beneath your ear. “Jesus fucking Christ,” is all you can manage to wheeze against the warmth of his chest.

“Right initials,” he pants, pressing lips to your hair. “Wrong guy.”

Thinking you really might have lost your mind, you start to cackle, and you can’t stop until you literally can’t breathe. You do not even have the energy to clean up, falling asleep in the beautiful mess John made of you, and maybe it’s just you, but even in his sleep John Constantine seems to hold you more tightly than he ever has before.

Sweetwolfcupcake:

The first signs of dawn begin to show on the dark sky, timid but consistent in pushing back the darkness previously reigning over the sky when you open your eyes-- blinking lazily as you register your dry lips and slightly open mouth. You feel parched, but the arms wrapped around you feel like a slice of heaven by your side and you are too lazy, too sleepy. You try to ignore it but your throat feels like it would scream for water any minute.

Sighing, you gently remove Constantine's arms from your body, not an easy task though-- his arms are firm vines around you, holding you close with a distinct gentleness that you've seen so often in his eyes when they gaze at you.

After you are finally off the bed without waking up Constantine (you're surprised), you tip-toe out of the room and into the kitchen for a much needed glass of water.

It's quiet, you notice as you gulp down a glass of water. With the overpowering sleepy haze gone, you grow more conscious of the environment.

Such an hour is supposed to be quiet. But there is a severe lack of tranquillity in the quietness--- it's more of a deafening silence. And you do not have a good feeling about this. Emptying the glass, you put it silently aside and turn around to rush return to the safety of---

Your eyes widen as you blink away the reminder of sleepy haze from them at the sight of John Wick's looming form in the kitchen doorway.

lo spettro

Indeed, he is like a ghost who appears right when you least expect it to. Though at the moment, he looks more like a formidable predator-- or maybe it is you who feels threatened like a prey.

Whatever it is, it does not settle easily in your stomach. There's chaos, flipping and swirling in there. All are born out of jarringly conflicted emotions and thoughts you feel simultaneously.

You stand still, eyeing him warily. He isn't dressed in his classic three-piece. In fact, he is in simple trousers a white t-shirt, that bulges at all the right places. No, he isn't dressed to hunt, but he seems very much ready to with the way his eyes are set upon you. You know the stare all too well. The thought brings back memories that are now the source of your heartache and you stiffen again.

"Had a busy night with your plaything?"

Ah, of course...

"He's not a plaything." You snap without a second thought.

John smiles faintly, but there is no softness to it. Instead, it looks sharp and somehow feels bitter as he diminishes the distance between you both in two strides.

"Was he good enough? Better?" He invades your personal space as smoothly as he invades your dreams.

This time though, you are determined not to back down and bend to his will. You stand-- stiff and with your heart hammering-- but you are determined to not let it show.

"Our bedroom is none of your business."

Oh, you know the way his chocolate orbs darken. Your words have ruffled him. He presses closer and you know, you just know that he can feel your heartbeat, but there is nowhere else to go, and you are sandwiched between the counter and him.

"Yeah? That's a pity, thought I could show this boy how it's done."

You glare up at him.

The audacity.

If this is a game of riling you up, he was unfortunately winning. But being away from them and being with Constantine has evolved you in ways you are thankful for. You are not going to bend easily under his games anymore.

Your glare charges into a sardonic smile--

"Oh, don't bother. It is blissful when you don't feel like a disposable toy."

To a degree, even you are surprised at the venom in your voice. But the surprise is overshadowed by the sight of John Wick faltering. You admit, the sadness do not make you happy, but having gained power in the conversation does satisfy you.

"I am exhausted after a long so..."

With that, you slip away from him and walk back to the safety of your bedroom, there is a rush in your steps, and the moment you lock the door from inside, relief floods withing you.

A part of this whole encounter reminds you of your childhood ritual of switching off the lights before running upstairs to the safety of your room-- but as a child, it was just your active imagination, right now, your heart thunders the same way it would as a five-year-old, running from the 'ghosts'.

Constantine calls your name lazily from the bed, eyes half-open and hair dishevelled. There is a certain domesticity in the air and your heart unexpectedly flutters-- not an anxious, thrilled flutter, but one that confirms what you are afraid to admit.

You fear losing this. This sight of Constantine laying so unguarded, so vulnerable and open on the bed. You are afraid to not feel his arms wrapped around you again. You are afraid not to feel his lips on you another morning.

You are afraid to lose him.

You are afraid to be abandoned again.

In your fear, you find courage. The courage to finally acknowledge this fear of losing him, losing what you both share.

Silently, you make your way back to bed, slipping under the covers and back in his waiting arms.

You know Constantine can probably sense the shift in your energy, but he chooses silence. He puts your comfort before his curiosity, his doubts. That makes you snuggle closer to him, to his warmth.

Tammykelly:

Songs to get in ya feels:

Karma by Summer Walker

Stand still by Sabrina Claudio

You lay awake under the silk covers, with Constantine quietly breathing beside you in a deep peaceful slumber. You shift your focus to his pace of breath so you can match your own in hopes to fall into the calmness of the space bubble around you. The limbs of your body are heavy, and yet your mind is ever so awake, having drifted towards conscious awareness of bitterly sweetened memories, rather than much needed sleep. Your eyelids flutter shut, as a yet another frustrated sigh escapes your mouth. The silence of the late hours is mockingly embracing the racing thoughts in your mind and pumping heartbeat, uncomfortable heat continues to fill every particle under your skin, amplified by the feel of rushing bloodstream, as if no concept of rest exists in this moment. A small furry body curls itself closer, next to your side, and your hand slowly reaches to brush its fingers through Baby Killy’s soft fur, more purring gently filling your ears, as you give into what your subconscious can’t seem to stop replaying, guided by the whisper of the shadows.

- a flashback -

You feel a warm breeze rush past you, carrying the salty scent of the Mediterranean coast, disrupting the shattered shadows. A tiny glimpse of sunlight pervades through the thin crack between your eyelashes, your narrowed eyes taking in the sunny serenity of French Riviera that envelops you again in its natural flow and beauty, before you hear a stream of rapid gunshots that only alert a flock of birds, rising from your garden.

You watch a tall man’s broad back stiffen, as he reloads the gun. You lazily get up, not taking your eyes off his powerful muscles moving under the skin, as he takes the position again. You feel your chest contract, breath caught in your throat, as his whole body seems to have become one with the weapon at the highest alert, before all the motion subsides, and he fires more shots at the moving targets.

You’re not sure whether it’s the thumping of your heart, ringing in your ears, bringing rising heatwave to your body, or it’s the sun that collects the multitude of nervous specks across your subconscious, melting them through all the layers onto the surface, forming a deeper shade of blush on your cheeks. He looks majestic, engulfed by sunlight, a gun in his hand, akin to an innate extension of his hunter-like, perhaps, hereditary nature. Your gaze traces the sweat dripping down his skin, as a gentle sigh leaves your lips, making it hard for you to look back up.

You don’t try to make your presence known, the sound of your steps remaining almost entirely silent, for even your slightest movement echoes through his awareness. He turns around before you reach him, his long hair sticking out from under the bandana.

“Princessa”, - his deep voice greets you.

“John”, - you playfully reply, watching his eyes wash over your silhouette, while you take one more step.

“Skuchala po mne [missed me]?”, - his calloused palm makes contact with the exposed skin below your silk bralette, hiding under unbuttoned oversized linen dress shirt. His fingers snake around your waist, urging you to move closer, slightly dipping under the waistband of your linen shorts. A shiver across your skin doesn’t escape his attentive gaze, a smirk quirking the corners of his mouth up. You look into his eyes, as you feel his hand brush against your back gently, the same fingers that were just holding a weapon, now playing a dirty game against you.

“Vsegda [always]”, - you tease back, your irises catching the way John smiles when you stand on your tippy toes to kiss him, as he melts into your lips, meeting you half way. The scales of gentle and sweet is something you’re unable to control anymore, for the tender anxiety in your heart flutters away with the wings of passionate fire that is the reflection of him.

One of your hands finds its place at the back of his neck, pulling him into you, which he eagerly complies to, as if pouring all the adrenaline of the practice shooting onto your tongue. You gently trail your fingers down his spine, as you break away from his devilish lips, a sly smirk that is a mirror of his, appearing on your features when he lifts you up, walking to the tent, and puts you at the edge of a poolside bed that actually looks like it belongs in a bedroom.

You calmly stare into the abyss of his dark eyes, your chest filled with the scent of excitement and your own game that quickly escalates to something entirely else the longer you hold eye contact. A different kind of heat knocks on your heart, opening doors to a more subliminal feeling. The type of warmth produced not by the midday sunlight, but by the golden hour sun, its muted colors appearing the brightest only for a slight sight, before its remnants reveal their beauty along the way of one’s attention.

His eyebrows twitch, while his eyes search yours.

“Opasnaya igra, malyshka [it’s a dangerous game, babygirl]”, - John says in a raspy voice, seeing the way you let him read you, akin to an open book with no secrets.

“Rasve ya dolzhna boyatsa [why, should I be afraid?” - your hand grazes his cheek, as a feeling that is bigger than your heart settles down in your chest, upon relishing the way he’s sitting in front of you on his knees, looking up at you, as if you’re God’s greatest creation. The fear and sense of uncertainty long forsaken in the tangled forest of what’s left behind.

“No”, - he tells you, his hands on your thighs, “if that’s what you wish for”. A moment passes in between the eternity that stretches across your souls.

“I don’t think I’ve ever hugged you, have I?”, you tell him, suddenly, his fingers freeze in their place. John’s eyes go blank for a split second, before another emotion replaces it, something deep and so raw, your heart almost explodes. An emotion that is swept away by the ever flowing current when his irises go back to that same deep shade of darkness that is the palette of his whirlpool.

“Come here”, you tell him, your hand gently tugging at him. A shallow breath of his doesn’t dissolve away unnoticed, as you get up and switch positions, him - sitting on the bed, you - standing in between his legs, holding his face and stroking his sharp cheekbones. There’s no sense of reality anymore, just his black chocolate eyes, looking up with the devotion of a man found. Time stood still, its heartbeat paving the way just for you two.

You feel him slowly moving closer, as if testing the limits of his own game of chess, before he nuzzles into you. You wrap your arms around him, patting him with all the gentle love you can master, as if not to break a wounded child. Gradually, you sense his calmness unravel itself when his body melts into yours, drinking every bit of peace that you generously get to offer.

A tear rolls down your cheek, the space around you collapsing on itself and blossoming into an eternal tangible softness that revolves around you and John.

John sighs, pulling you closer, letting every piece of your ethereal gentleness and love that is the reflection of you seep into him, beyond the subliminal, into the deepest infinity of his oblivion that is the code of his own sense of self.

Treedaddymcpuffpuff:

You wake up with a startled gasp, giving Killy the same little fright. She runs away, bells dangling at her neck, the sound fading underneath the bed where she hides from you.

“Killy,” you groan, “I’m sorry, come back.” You wish you could actually tell her in some way you didn’t mean to scare the shit out of her, but it’s too late. And Constantine is gone, too. There’s a little note on the stand. Something about having to run out for a while on a job.

It’s around noon. Your black out curtains can’t contain all of the leaking sunshine, so you decide to follow that biological clock that runs deep and get up. John isn’t here, either, and Tex is snoring on the couch.

“Tex,” you whisper, nudging him a little bit.

His groggy voice sends a pang of reminiscent longing through you. “Hey, honeypie.” He fades out a little bit, and you have to tug on his arm. “You’re snoring,” you tell him, trying to get another pillow under his head to elevate him. “You don’t snore. Sit up a little bit.” You’re worried that he’s not getting proper oxygen while he’s sleeping because of his recent brush with death, so you use most of your weight and a little bit of his to sit him up and lessen the deep rattle of his throat.

“C’mon,” he lays a big arm around your shoulders, tugging your upper torso down against him. “Lay with daddy, huh?”

You push against him. “Tex, you freaking weirdo, lemme go.” The temptation is definitely there, to crawl on top of him and snuggle in, but you’ve already committed to waking up and doing something on this lazy weekend day, so you squirm out of his heavy grip.

He goes back to sleep with a big, satisfied smile on his face. You resist, with all your might, leaning down to kiss his cheek. Adorable fucking idiot.

You make scrambled eggs, plate some for Tex, and leave them in the fridge for when he wakes up. Then, you get a piece of paper, write SCRAMBLED EGGS on it in big letters, and set it on his now peacefully rising chest.

It’s beautiful out here today, sunny with a tropic, warm breeze that reminds you of beachy days with John and Tex. Although the beach is about 30 minutes away by bus, you hop on with a little bag in tow, sporting cute cotton capris and a flowy tank top over your swim suit.

You spend a few hours at the beach, walking up and down the sand, looking at shells, playing in waves and watching the surfers board out past the break. There’s a little food and drink stand nearby, and you packed plenty of sunscreen, so you can stay out as long as you like.

You enjoy this as long as you can, because you have classes coming up and know you won’t get the free time again until next weekend.

You feel free-untethered. Able to go anywhere and do anything without anyone holding you down. There was such a long time, where you didn’t have that freedom. Over half your life, probably, between childhood and witness protection, where you were trapped. And, now that you have a taste of independence, you’ll never stop injecting it. Of course, with this freedom comes a little emptiness, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. You’ve been lonely before, you’ll be lonely again.

Maybe that’s an absurd thought, when three men are waiting for you at home, and for a minute you feel terribly, achingly guilty about wanting freedom and love, protection, shelter-all at the same time. Sometimes women don’t get any of that let alone one. But then, that’s bullshit, isn’t it? The notion that you have to settle and compromise just because you’re a girl. Maybe you want all three of them-no, not maybe. You do want all three, and your independence. And maybe if testosterone wasn’t such a heavy drug, you could mention that to them. But you can already just see John strangling Constantine with his bare hands and Constantine burning John alive if you even dare to mention them sharing you.

Plus, would you even be able to handle all three of them? John and Constantine themselves are insatiable; Constantine, fueled by ancient magic. John, fueled with physical endurance. Tex would be simpler to please, but he’s a wild card of his own.

A group of surfers ride a wave in to shore, and you watch curiously-maybe even a little bit enviously-as they laugh and joke and splash each other in the pink sinking dawn of the day. One of them-tall, broad shouldered, bronze, the god Poseidon himself rising from the frothy ocean bank-makes eye contact with you and you look away quickly, a hot flush that’s not from the late sun flooding your skin.

“Y/n?” You look to the sound, and see a familiar face among the group of ocean dwellers.

Katrina gives you a little wave while she climbs out of one. You tip your chin at her. “Hey, Trine.” She’s one of your classmates, a good friend and study partner. You had no idea that she surfed.

She introduces you to her little group of friends, and one in particular’s name you know you haven’t forgotten. His grin is stark white against beautiful, salt crusted skin when he takes your hand in his bigger one, warm despite the cool water he just rose from, and shakes it. “We meet again.”

“Hey, we were just gonna go to Bodhi’s house for a party. Wanna come?” Trina pulls you from Johnny, giving you a strange, knowing look. You were absolutely entranced by him, staring way too much, still holding onto his hand, so you understand why she’s a little suspicious.

“You alright?” Johnny asks, bringing you back to him.

“Don’t think so,” you say, feeling like you’re absolutely dying.

Now everyone absolutely notices this strange tension between the two of you, and they seem delighted by it. Bodhi, you think his name is, grabs Johnny’s shoulder and shakes him a little. “Utah, you dog. Close your jaw.”

“Seriously, Johnny, stare a little longer,” Trine grumbles.

“Sorry,” he tells you sheepishly.

“Same,” you reply.

“So, you wanna come?” He asks, motioning to the group. “To the party?”

“I would, but I have to take care of something.”

You propel yourself through the darkening LA streets, the bus system, the crowds of people, the bustle of the city. Keep your eyes ahead, focused, goal driven. The big Bouncer in front of Midnite’s is the only thing that stands in your way to the inner club.

He holds up a card, prompting you. Fuck. You have never come here without John. Probably because he forbid it, but that’s beside the point. You have no idea what to say, so you just do what you’re best at and guess. “Rabbit?”

His facial expression reads “are you fucking kidding me?” All he says is “no.”

“Please. I need to see Midnite. It’s about John Constantine.”

He eyes you for a long while, and then motions for you to sit on the bench in the lobby.

•

“How’s my favorite girl?” Midnite takes a seat beside you. “What kinda shit did Constantine get into this time?”

“it’s actually my shit.”

He laughs. “Tell me about it.”

“No, I mean, really, I think there’s something strange happening, Papa. Everywhere I go, doesn’t matter how far, I see this… guy.”

“You have a spirit following you?” He asks, scanning your body with an open palm, tilting your chin this and that way.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what it is-what he is, but there’s many of them. They all look the same.”

“The same? I’m confused, y/n.”

“They all look like… John Constantine.”

•

“Tex, wake up.” John kicks the couch lightly, alerting the snoring Tex.

“What the fuck.” Tex groans.

“Where’s y/n?”

Constantine has tried to call you ten times, texted you at least twice as much, and still no answer. He’s pacing through the kitchen, hand in his hair, debating on whether or not he should tear down LA to find you. You’re never gone this long, you always keep him updated. This isn’t like you.

He walks into the living room, where Tex and John are looking at the note you left alerting Tex to breakfast.

“You just let her go?” Wick demands of Tex, snatching the slice of paper and tearing it in the process. “When did she leave?”

“Fuck, I didn’t think we were dictating her life anymore,” Tex replies, “she came out here once… I think. It was daylight. I was sleepin. Fuck.”

“She always comes home,” Constantine says, more to himself than the two other men. “It’s almost one AM. We have to find her.”

“Tex, are you able to drive?” Wick asks.

“Yeah.. yeah. I’m good,” Tex nods.

“Take the car, go to her school, her bank, her favorite restaurant. Constantine?” Wick turns to address the still pacing man. “Are you able to try and locate her with some kind of magic?”

“The fuck you think I’m trying to do?” Constantine mumbles, eyes on the floor, hand in his hair, damp sweat gathering on his tshirt.

“Keep doing it. I’m going to look on foot.”

•

Maybe it was a bad idea, to drink with Midnite. Not because of him. The morally grey, powerful voodoo master has never been anything but good to you despite his wavering tolerance for Constantine, and he stays by your side diligently while you both sip on steaming, sweetened cocktails.

No, it’s a bad idea because of the shady characters lurking around you and making you feel a little like you just stepped into Mickey’s House of Villians. The lady with purple, slithery tentacles attached to her just seals the deal on that.

Midnite flips over your other divination card, the gold foils of it catching a rogue neon light and flashing bright in your eyes, before you see what it holds; 10 of spiders. “Something is tightly attached to you, something that draws dark energy. I could see it when we first met, you know. Just like the curse on Texs’ chest made him vulnerable to the wicked dark, you have naturally.”

“I’m so confused. Why?” Your words come out a little slurred, and you realize you’ve been hitting the tap too hard. This is your fifth… fourth cocktail? You’re not sure anymore. “Am I in danger?”

He looks at you with a bit of pity in his fathomless dark eyes, like he doesn’t know what to do for you. Like you’re fucked. “Always.”

Before he can elaborate, give you a warning or message, something, a heavy commotion picks up at the front entrance. Glass smashing, screaming, pounding on something metal and floppy. Midnite sighs and puts his hand on your shoulder. “Stay here. I have to deal with this.”

You ask the bartender for a glass of water to help nurse and coat the alcohol sloshing inside of you and making you pleasantly numb and prickly, and try to ignore the other patrons of the club. Kind of hard when one of them, one you very well recognize, takes the stool beside you.

“Where’s your tall friend?” The succubus asks, those bleach pink eyes doing strange, unearthly things in their sockets; changing shape, reflecting colors that usually don’t exist, sliding from side to side rapidly.

“He’s taken,” you tell her, not bothering to hide the scowl on your face.

“Really?” She asks, voice unnaturally low and seductive, titling her head. “Because I could feel the desperation on him from a league away. Most taken men with that kind of need aren’t satisfied at all.”

“I’m not entertaining this conversation,” you tell her. You remember all the anger you felt toward her after she tried to pull Tex away, and wonder where it is now that you need it. Instead, there is a dull, needy, perplexing throb beginning in your lower belly. It’s a strange way to feel arousal, but unmistakable nonetheless. Usually, all libidinous feelings begin in your brain and trickle downward, but this feeling is severed from your mind, spreading through only your lower body and making you twitch and writhe in the seat.

She grins with sharp little bone white teeth. “Interesting.”

You try and open your mouth, tell her to fuck off, but she reaches over and touches your cheek, and any words you could have said die in your throat.

Replacing speech and sense and sight, is a burly heat that rips through you. A desire like you’ve never felt. A claw-your-skin-off, teeth clenching need to be fucked. Debauched. Ruined.

An inner beast guides your way, now, and she’s hungry for cock. Luckily, there’s some place you can get it. Unluckily, it’s a few bus rides away. And you can’t fucking last that long, that’s for sure.

gif from pinterest

You stand up, make for the door, and run into something solid and familiar and warm. Just seeing his angled face make your clit tighten painfully, your cunt flutter around nothing. You jump him. He can fucking take it, and he does, handling you like a champ while you claw up his body and latch onto his mouth with your own.

John Wick doesn’t stop you. Maybe it’s the vicious arousal leaking off you that infects him, too. Or maybe it’s because he missed you, needed you that bad. Either way, he’s kissing you back, picking you up, walking you toward the nearest private place to fuck in, hopefully….

#wicked johnson fic #john wick x reader #tex johnson x reader #constantine x reader #with hon mention #johnny utah x reader #keanuverse #keanuverse fic #keanu reeves x reader #john wick #constantine 2005 #tex johnson #johnny utah #john constantine #john constantine x you

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starmocha · 2 months

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Hi there. I'm back with theory #3 for Sylus' myth. Which....might be less evidence-heavy than the first two and really just me talking out of my ass. I started writing at midnight because that's just on brand clown behavior of me 🙃 ANYWAY...

People who haven't read Rafayel, Xavier, and Zayne's myths, please tread carefully, because I will touch upon them briefly and allude to events in their myths.

Quick recap from first post:

Theory 1: Sylus and MC must have been destined lovers in a past life, but due to whatever conflict, Sylus decided to break his bond with her for her protection and accept any punishment that comes with it, which could mean to be ruler of a place he has no desire for, an imprisonment of sort.

Theory 2: Destined lovers, but perhaps a third party interfered out of jealousy or spite. Could Sylus have been caught and framed of a crime and been literally imprisoned, thus forcing him and MC to separate?

So...I half-joked in a post that my new theory is that Sylus sold his soul to the devil. Or, you know, maybe he is the devil himself. This is partly stemmed from the Long-Awaited Revelry trailer, which has the word "demon" over a shot of him and later in the same trailer, one of Sylus' companion forms is aptly titled "Otherworldly Visitor". Make of that as you will.

And with the new trailer for No Defense Zone, we see that Sylus' right eye glows in a demonic way, similar to his in the LAR trailer. Even the atmosphere in both scenes seem a bit supernatural. Now....I didn't want to go there, but, um................do you suppose he is an incubus? 😭😭😭 The shot after "demon" has the word "desire," which can have a sexual connotation.

For those who don't know, an incubus is a male demon who preys on women sexually.......it would explain his kinky behavior in NDZ 💀 but I digress.......

Some of the first lines we hear from Sylus:

"Even if you wanted to sell your soul, you still have to find someone who can pay the price."

"Want some help? Yes? No? Maybe so?"

These lines reinforce the idea of "deal with the devil". In the new theme song, Visions opposées, the singer also sings this line: "Mais c'est le prix à payer" (But that's the price to pay). It could just be figurative, or it could hold some literal truth, because I found it interesting how that verse overlaps with Sylus' scenes. I doubt it's a coincidence since the devs are so good at planting seeds.

From the chorus, in order, we hear:

[MINOR RAFAYEL, XAVIER, & ZAYNE SPOILERS]

"But that's the price to pay / o'love" - Rafayel, God of the Sea, is separated by MC. His price? His civilization.

"Stars will always shine / But with pain" - Xavier and MC are separated (side note: I don't have the second half of Xavier's first myth yet, so I can't elaborate too much. But I've seen enough references to understand the scene depicted in the MV)

"Though separated / Hearts cling on" - Zayne (The Foreseer) is separated from MC in many lifetimes. The memories of their love are tied to the jasmine flowers even if they forget.

[END SPOILERS]

"That's the price to pay / Yet lovers endure forevermore"

This is the verse that plays over Sylus' scene. What is his price? Does the following verse mean that he and MC must always endure something? Hardship? Misfortune?

When the chorus repeats a second time near the end, all of the above verses coincide with the intended love interest. It absolutely can be argued that all four love interests paid a price for their love, and not just Sylus. This whole tangent was brought up to follow with the whole "deal with the devil" aspect. As stated previously, I wouldn't be surprised if the devs and songwriters intended for the lyrics to have layers upon layers of meaning in relation to the stories.

Also take into consideration the lyrics from the song in Sylus' first official trailer, Tangible Shackles:

The outlaw again celebrates this encounter in fate It's time to break the seal they set in mind It's time they will have to pay the price

To me, though, in this song, the verse sounds very vengeful. It sounds almost vindictive, as if someone must be punished for whatever wrongdoing done against Sylus.

Watching the interview for Visions opposées, it seems the LADS team has shared enough of the intended stories for the songwriters to understand and pen the songs we hear. I trust that there will be complete clarity to the lyrics once we're able to understand Sylus' myth.

Love is the privilege of mortals

A gift the gods covet in vain

Astra, you ass, is that you

Now remember the first official trailer for Sylus? Yeah. Long-Awaited Revelry. Do you know what "revelry" mean? 'Cause I sure as heck didn't and kept wanting to read it as rivalry

revelry. noun. a situation in which people are drinking, dancing, singing, etc. at a party or in public, especially in a noisy way. — Cambridge Dictionary

To put it simply, "long-awaited party," which with the new knowledge of the timeline of scenes shown, we can clearly see a scene of MC entering a ballroom where Sylus is at in the trailer.

What type of party is this? Long-awaited? Maybe an engagement? In the MV, you can catch a brief glimpse of guests in the background watching MC enter. It seems almost like Sylus is waiting to show her off. The dance they share also seem intimate, and Sylus' expression is very soft and tender.

Previously, I alluded that it looks like MC and Sylus' wrist are bounded by a thread, similar to the Red Thread of Fate, but afterwards, I had my doubts, and if in keeping with the theme of being trapped, perhaps they were actually cuffed? I have previously mentioned that handcuffs have shown up often in the trailers.

To be cuffed together makes it seem like it wasn't a choice for one or both people. Kind of pondering if maybe MC might have sold her soul to Sylus, thus becoming bounded to him?

I have also made a lot of references to the myth of Hades and Persephone previously (still holding onto it with every fiber of my being tbqh), BUT for the sake of this third theory, let's revise the above scene to mean...

Sylus, a demonic creature, is trapped on the dark side while MC is a mortal on the light side (mortal realm). He knows their love can never be, so he forces whatever bond they made together to break, setting her free to remain in the mortal realm while he remains trapped in the Underworld.

Interestingly, Sylus conjures up a gun, pressing it to his chest where his heart would be. And he makes MC shoot him. ....thus breaking their bond? Or killing him idk man

This appears to be the following appearance of him after he is shot in his chair:

I'm sorry if this seems out of left field and my mind works in a weird way, but.....the scene above kind of made me think of the Roman/Greek myth for Cupid/Eros and Psyche. Rather, I was thinking of the scene where after her jealous sisters manipulated her and planted seeds of doubts, Psyche betrays her husband's trust and broke her promise to not view his face and learn of his identity. She carries a dagger with the intention of killing him.

In the aforementioned myth, Psyche does journey into the Underworld during a final trial set forth by Cupid/Eros' mother, Venus/Aphrodite. Other than that, there might not be many other correlations I can make in regard to the scene depicted in Visions opposées.

Speaking of Cupid (Roman name, but aka Eros in Greek mythology), however, it's also worth noting that Cupid was described as a "demon of fornication" by some mythographers. Take this part with a grain of salt since this was due to adapting the Roman myth for Christian usage. I do, however, vaguely recalled in some Greek/Roman myths, Eros/Cupid was viewed as devious by the other gods due to him being able to make both mortals and the gods fall in love depending on his whims, be it out of mischievousness or malice.

So....Cupid....God of desire....erotic love.............that earlier incubus comment I made?? 😭 This part I am definitely pulling out of my ass. 💀 Let's just wrap this post up. 🫠

If we look at the myth from the angle that Sylus is a demon, then....

Theory 3: Sylus is a demon who has come across MC, and for whatever reason, she is desperate to make a deal with a demon, thus bounding herself to him. Perhaps over time, Sylus grows to adore her, but maybe MC betrays his trust, whether it be intentional or at the manipulation of others? Could he have tested her when he made her shoot him? Was he willing to die for her, even if it's at her hands?

Uhhhh.....yeah. This theory seems more far-fetched. 🫠 Well, thanks for your time! If any of the crumbs I've presented stirred any theories from you all, I'd love to hear it! Bye. 💕

#love and deepspace #love and deepspace sylus #lnds analysis #lnds ramblings #i have got to stop writing things after midnight #🗿#i still think there is a heavy borrowing of greek mythology #yes i was that child that went through a greek myth geek phase and devoured everything i could #i will do a follow up post after reading the myth to see how far off i was lol

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waistdoll · 1 year

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I am new to jirai kei, but I just wanted to know some tips and other things I should be educated on in the subculture 🩷 I just don't want to come off as ignorant because Im new 🫶 so do you have any tips or things I should know? ⁠♡

TW: harmful behavior, s*x work, mentions of self-h*rm, i will try to talk about the differences, the stereotypes and the reason behind them, having the "jirai kei" as a main subject.

୨ৎ if you want to know more about the girly kei style you can ask me too!! like brand recommendations, tips on buying from japan, japanese clothes size, makeup, etc.

but please, keep in mind that:

• jirai kei 地雷系 (lifestyle) and dark girly kei (style that some of the jirai girls use) are two separated things and you can be jirai without using the style and you can use girly kei without identifying as jirai.

tl;dr: the western / social media vision of jirai is totally wrong. jirai kei in Japan isn't a style at all; jirai kei is a lifestyle that is seen as "unhealthy".

the term jirai kei came from “地雷系”. translates to “landmine-type”, not the literal meaning as “landmine”, is a japanese slang for "trigger" "red flag" “地雷を踏んだ”, meaning “i stepped on a landmine”. in reference to a person, a “landmine” is someone that’s so easily triggered over minor things that they keep exploding on others with abusive behavior, so you need to be as careful as if you were walking around a minefield.

this meaning has been around for about a decade, primarily used in dating advice articles about how to recognise “red flags” in a partner.

"but OP, it isn't a style?"

in those dating stereotypes, even the most arbitrary traits were considered red flags and wearing dark alternative fashion is already enough to have someone considered a potential landmine, the style in question is called dark girly kei. (style used by many jirai kei girls)

around 2020, jirai kei didn’t have any associations with any particular fashions or interests, but when a popular japanese makeup vlogger started a “psycho girlfriend” dress-up challenge and called the final look a landmine-type cosplay. she contributed to the stereotype that the landmine-types were often fans of dark girly fashion, every influencer was getting in on the trend, and cosplaying as a landmine-type psycho girlfriend, generally also tagging with “yandere”, then a lot of influencers did the challenge and lots of girlykei brands started to use the "jirai kei" terminology to sell more.

"why would someone call themselves jirai knowing that it means "psycho woman" in other words?? wouldn't it be romanticizing?"

popularly, there's a lot of people who call themselves jirai kei knowing about the difference of jirai & girlykei because of their mental conditions, i, myself use jirai kei to feel a little better about my mental state and to connect to other people who struggle the same as me, even if they stopped calling themselves jirai they wouldn't stop their unhealthy behavior, they're not mentally ill because of jirai, they're jirai because of their mental illness. the spaces for real mentally fucked people in the internet are so few, these people that are called "psycho bitches" exist and they shouldn't feel bad about being like this, they are the people who most struggle with all of it and it's their business if they want to call themselves it. telling people to not use the jirai kei term will not stop them to engage on harmful behavior, at the end those people are still mentally ill and have more problems than the terminology they use. might be thinking the "jirai antis" are some sort of saviors or something like that, if you really want to help those people don't blame it in the community and style they've found themselves.

all jirais don't have the same behavior even if all of them have a fucked mental state, some of them might be posting self-harm for validation, some are obsessed with their s/o, some doing sex work for attention, some of us has violent thoughts and bpd, some of us are just neurodivergent, or have depression, etc, is a form of venting/expression, and venting ≠ encouraging someone.

some info:

• the term hadn't changed its meaning, please don't act like it's some sort of "feminist movement" or even empowering.

• part the association of girly kei with harmful behavior is related to "toyoko kaiwai" (トー横キッズ) who's around Kabukicho, many of the members have been wearing various dark j-fashion styles before the "psycho girlfriend dress-up challenge" became a trend. they're credited as the reason for why those styles are associated with the landmine stereotype to begin with. they're been connected to under*ge pr*stitution, dr*g ab*se, public self-h*rm, murd*r and theft.

they are around age 9-24, (firstly known as toyoko kids, but like, there's a lot of adults in this) they're often privileged children who were convinced to get away from home by bad influences. and many members have died or been hospitalized as a result. for more info search the Japanese spelling on any japanese news site, or their signature hashtags on social media:

#/toho横界隈

#/トー横界隈

#トー横

recently, their former leader “Howl”, died by suicide while waiting in custody for a trial, (<- click for more info) -> (also here) for convincing minors to run away from home in order to “work” for him and dress in a way he finds attractive.

all these minors he "convinced" are victims, you can use the style without agreeing with this behavior and be jirai without agreeing with this, they're all manipulated children and it isn't their fault.

#jirai kei #landmine girl #地雷系 #jirai onna #dark girly kei #地雷系コーデ #地雷系女子 #jirai kei blog #jirai kei masterlist

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shehangsthemoon · 1 year

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To anyone out there that may be reading this… hi.

My name is Sam. I am 33 years old, married, and drifting through life like a plastic bag. Which might sound negative, but it’s not all bad. I create stained glass from my home, and I’ve been trying to build and run a brand new business with absolutely no prior experience or knowledge. I also also work a part time job at the zoo, and I do gig driving when needed.

Lately I’ve been avoiding glass to do literally ANYTHING else. Escaping into the worlds of Witcher III or TOTK, painting/watercolor, digital art (Procreate), photography, taking long baths, doom scrolling, ordering craft and “cosplay” supplies from Temu, creating blogs, etc.

I actually am glad the idea of a blog came to me today. I struggle with depression, general and social anxiety, PTSD, and lord knows what else. I’ve gone untreated for a majority of my life, and pretty recently started my journey to becoming better.

The reason I am bringing this up is because, this morning, while having a mild meltdown about finances, I realized I needed to make a change, for myself, and for my business.

Social media (Meta) has become a monster to me. It’s too polarized; I get interaction one day, the next, nothing. And it doesn’t lead to sales. I, like most people, don’t understand the algorithm, and I know it’s not designed to be understood. It’s also too competitive for my baby business, and if we’re being completely honest, I have been relying on those likes and follows WAY too much. When I don’t receive that instant gratification or feedback, I fall into negative or fearful behaviors/thinking, and none of that is conducive to my, or my business’ growth.

I’d like to use this platform to share my glass work and trials and tribulations of running a small business in a recession, but I would also like to utilize it as a kind-of-journal. I promise I will not be sharing extreme or in depth details from my life (unless asked), but my therapist told me to put my feelings down somewhere. He probably very explicitly meant somewhere private, but whatever. Oh god, is this the introvert’s answer to starting a podcast?

Anyway, some other things that you can probably expect to see or hear from me:

- Any creative projects I am working on, including my own photography and editing,

- fantasy,

- art, music, television, books I like,

- gaming,

- self realization and integration,

- self love and self care,

- burn out and compassion fatigue,

- tarot/astrology (I’m a beginner),

- pictures of my cats.

If you took the time to read this, THANK YOU. Please stay a while.

Sam

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moonshynecybin · 7 months

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it’s probably been said already but rosquez howl’s moving castle

INSANE!!!!!!! vale's tiny earring vaguely androgynous wizard swag... old man marc... this got long?? under the cut

and see the thing is. i think this is a unique kind of torture for someone like marc. truly. like marc knows he's hot. marc enjoys people thinking he's hot. even in this universe, where he's sadly running the family shop so alex doesnt have to, i simply must believe he has six pack abs and is in fact invested in making people look at them. like he views his body as a machine, hes very active, he would NOT enjoy all of the new aches and pains and limitations that come with being magically EIGHTY. so after the witch of the wastes (uccio?? someone jealous and in love with vale LMAOO) brushes in to the hatshop that night and hates marc on sight/fundamentally alters his body, i think he IMMEDIATELY starts militantly looking for a solution.

the solution: the wizard valentino is this oft elusive but INCREDIBLY charismatic wizard known by whisper and rumor to a. be insanely powerful and b. eat the HEARTS out of his young suitors. and marc (CRAZY MAN.) goes oh well im not hot anymore so he wont do that to me. i will make him fix me! and then he invites himself into vale's home and refuses to leave! says i am your new HOUSEKEEPER. and you will help me break my curse thank you :)

BUT: instead of a mystical and powerful wizard, hes confronted with the HOT GUY that he met several weeks ago that he helped escape from the witch of the waste's GOONS. he was like. walking home. and vale (in his big poofy shirt) whisks him into a scheme... looks at marc all bright eyed mischief... and marc hasnt had any enrichment in his enclosure in so long and just feels LIT UP from the inside, falls into step with vale immediately, matching him as they go. feels ALIVE for the first time since alex took his apprenticeship in another town... so he helps vale escape, flirts with him a LOT and laughs even more. smitten. but crucially and unfortunately, he also has NO idea who vale is throughout this. so later when he walks in the door and finds out that the guy he has a major crush on is also THE WIZARD VALENTINO. who also has a small FLEET of HIGHLY SKEPTICAL teen boy apprentices that marc is now kind of in charge of coparenting and like. convincing to clean their rooms, its a bit of an insane time to be marc.

so some WILD but highly amusing control freak behavior from marc ensues.. lots of little frictions as he arrives... pushback from the kids, vale acting cold and dismissive, a brand new body that doesnt do what he wants it to do... but after a while, marc MAKES space for himself. forcibly improves their lives. settles in to a FAMILY and CRUCIALLY starts emotionally fulfilling the little feral animal inside him that yearns to throw himself off of motorcycles at high speeds. get this many adrenaline seeking freaks that know MAGIC in one place and they are inventing new types of danger Know This. marc is with vale and the kids doing insane shit. and for the first time since he took over his family's shop, he is allowing himself to do what he LOVES. find his purpose. enjoy a community. relieve some of the crushing weight of familial responsibility. its literally the best hes ever felt. and he is. SO in love. so so in love.

BUT im gonna pull something from the novel here: marc is also an incredibly powerful sorcerer. has been forever. he just has NO IDEA. like i see marc literally his entire life using magic in little ways to influence all of the crazy thrill seeking stuff that he's done, but entirely unintentionally. but vale fucking knows. could see it the second they met. in FACT. marc has already broken his curse (marc doesnt know that). but he likes sticking around vale. so he's unconsciously keeping himself old so he can avoid leaving. truly, like when he isnt thinking about his body and hes normal and happy he looks like his actual age. marc with silver hair just laughing with vale and the boys... smile lines staying there but wrinkles fading more and more as time passes... he doesnt want to go back to his old life!!! back to being unremarkable in the hatshop like he knows he should!!! and everytime he remembers he looks decades older... but vale doesnt want to lose him either. so he doesnt tell him. but he also vant make a move with it hanging over them like that... so they live in a fraught equilibrium of pining that is also lowkey a marriage LMAO. like you are coparenting. jesus.

EYE THINK. that the breaking point here is alex returning at some point. talking with marc. and marc is. SO happy to see alex. smiling as hard as he can. but also he looks older than he's looked since he first arrived. all of that responsibility and guilt rushing back for abandoning his life at the hatshop. and it TEARS into vale like omg i am keeping him here selfishly away from his brother.... so he sends him away, "breaks" his curse. and marc thinks hes being DUMPED. and thats how the divorce happens....

#crucially. he takes marc back to normal ass italy at some point. like howl does in the book where hes a rugby player from whales #this is post divorce nad they have a ranch dayyyyyyy #motogp #callie speaks #asks #rosquez #vale staring at marc sleeping under the stairs. hair gray but face unlined when hes dreaming.... when he isnt putting everything on himself

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gunnrblze · 3 months

Note

Thinking about writing teen Kick fanfic and I got very vivid ideas for the vibe but I am like so shit at outlining the plot and detailing it to late 90s-2000s tech cuz I was in the desert sand during that time

And since I love your aesthetics with the ghost boys, what do you think about;

Teen Kick:

owns a camcorder, takes it nearly everywhere he goes outside and enjoys making vlogs on tapes, mostly consisting of abandoned place explorations and attempts of paranormal activity caught on camera. (Marble hornets and analog horror inspired)

Obsessed with cryptids and critters, might not actually believe they're real but thinks they're such neat concepts and they're fun to talk about.

↑explains why he found himself exploring the woods and forestry around his mid-late teens

fascinated by weird sightings and loves recording shit to show off and ramble about to his friends, just passionate about his interests

Owns a flip phone or whatever good old fashioned cellphone during that time, would try to invite his friends over to go cryptid hunting, alien watching, or explorations w/ him

I'm stumped cuz I have a few stuff thatll be purely HCs like:

Nickname for him in his teenhood if Kick was his military callsign

Headcanon about which part of America he's from to pinpoint location and setting of the drabble

Tf happened in 90-2000s

Could you help me please🙏🙏 need headcanons<33 a lot of them

Ahh I love this idea! This all sounds so accurate for a fic like this. Teen Kick that takes a camcorder everywhere sounds so on brand, I can definitely see him having that ‘let’s go to this haunted/abandoned house…what do you mean why? Cause it’s fun’ energy lol. Alien/ghost hunting and cryptid sightings seem right up his funky alley.

As for his name/location, that can be difficult since you can literally make up anything you want lmao. But I like to hc him as being from somewhere around northeast USA that starts to teeter into the south, think Pennsylvania/New Jersey/West Virginia/etc. That would also explain his cryptid/alien/ghost loving behavior since there’s a lot of sightings and happenings in those areas. He gives me slight city kid vibes, but lived enough near the outskirts of whatever town to have been doing a bunch of rural exploring.

Since it’s implied that he’s a tech specialist for the Ghosts, I hc that growing up during the rise of technology was very influential in his career choices, and he probably spent a lot of time with stuff like this. I definitely see him with the camcorder here, and maybe a flip phone right around the turn of the century/early 00’s when they became popular. Probably spent a lot of time on some old clunky ass computer setup lol, gets flashbacks from the dial up internet sound like a true 90s kid. I think as tech kept advancing, he was always right on that shit, or at least he kept up with it.

Just some tidbits, but similar to Ghost/Simon Riley in the comics/‘09 Modern Warfare, I like to think maybe seeing 9/11 take place inspired his reasons to join whatever branch of the military he joined, seeing that as a teen would’ve def been very surreal, especially if he lived around that area. He also gives me big nerd vibes, was into all the sci-fi stuff around that time&prob played a lot of video games, had like a GameCube console or something lol.

Hope some of this helps! I love this fic idea and I hope you write it! <3

#call of duty ghosts #kick call of duty #gunnrblze rambles

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archivalofsins · 6 months

Text

So, let's talk about the last few questions.

In this post we'll be discussing Kotoko's second trial interrogation questions.

Here's every post I've made regarding all of her interrogation questions.

Question 1, Question 2, Question 3, Questions 4-7 Part 1, Question 7-9 Part 2, Question 10.

So, today we'll be attempting to cover every question that has come out since then.

That means questions eleven through sixteen.

They aren't really that interesting but at least the written interrogation is almost over. This trial has been rather repetitive if I'm being honest.

But first let's address the elephant in the room-

I want to spend the beginning of this post discussing the behavior exhibited by a few bad apples over the course of Kotoko's second trial. What follows are just my personal experiences and my opinions on the matter.

Gunsli; why haven't you been discussing the questions the day they release? You were doing it that way at the start. Why are you waiting for a batch of them to drop then writing something up on it now? To take it further why are you being so thorough when it comes to Kotoko specifically? I mean you weren't like this with any of the other prisoners.

Okay, example questions that I've written up to answer. For anyone new here I was like this with other characters. Like literally this whole side blog is like this.

I spent the second trial of one of my favorite characters blatantly stating he was lying in every way possible. Highlighting it was definitely him that did that shit and how unfair it was that he was coasting to an innocent verdict in comparison to the trials of others before him. Regardless of if others wanted to speculate differently.

So, please believe me when I say one thing, I am consistent in my behavior.

I talk and write about the things that interest me.

Literally all of the prisoner's written interrogations have been interesting to me to varying degrees. Kotoko isn't the first prisoner I've written a lot about, and she won't be the last.

This is Milgram.

This is how it works. We've gone nine other trials doing the same thing for everyone else. Kotoko is not special. This is just another trial on the record for me. Sorry not sorry; don't go losing your heads over it now. She's no different from the nine other characters to come before her.

Plus, to be crass for a moment Kotoko doesn't want to step on anyone here anyway. She especially isn't going to want to step on the people that fully believe she's right. I've got a better chance of being stepped on by her than any of the yes man thirsting after her. Well, that is if Anti Beat is anything to go by.

With that low shot out of the way. I have been as critical of every prisoner as I've been with Kotoko. Even going as far to highlight when my own biases may be impacting my view on a character or their situation. The only character in Milgram who even remotely got any leniency from me if we're being real was Kazui.

The only reason that was is because people were espousing what came off to me as homophobic rhetoric in regards to his case, and I didn't want anything I said to be involved with that. Even still when I said what I thought he did after his trial ended, I still got flack for it. He wasn't even on fucking trial anymore it literally couldn't impact anything to speak about the concept in good faith.

So, I'm not coming at this brand new. I try to remain as consistent as possible. I have my lines and stick to them.

Even though I can get heated just like anyone else I still try my best to not compromise myself and discuss the topics at hand with consideration towards others. The reason I've moved to discussing Kotoko's written interrogation in batches like this is because-

One, it's more entertaining for me to do it that way and keeps my own attention better. Since I'm busy with life stuff currently. Also, it gives breathing room for the tag to die down in activity. So, more avid fans of her character don't end up coming across my post. Whether anyone wants to believe it or not some of Kotoko's fans have simply been the most obnoxious out of any trial to happen so far.

One going as far as to direct message me with what they believed to be pertinent corrective information that needed to be brought to my attention about a post I made. Condescendingly telling me I think you don't know what that word means causing this post to be necessary.

These are all the screenshots of it I still have from sharing this experience on discord. Honestly, I don't have a damn thing to hide. Even though I believe my behavior in this instance could have been better.

The behavior exhibited by this party regardless of how they personally feel about Kotoko or not was incredibly inappropriate. They contacted me under the belief that they could educate me on my improper use of this term. For what I can only believe was in the hopes of me rewording the post I had written to use a softer and less serious phrase in their opinion.

The way this person went about this was to me indicative of an entitled and woefully misinformed individual. They begin this conversation by demeaning my intelligence. Then when informed they were in fact incorrect about their assertion state,

"I apologize with that, I wasn't trying to say grooming can only be sexual. That wasn't exactly my point though with messaging you about this."

Then continued to denote that grooming can only occur when physical touch is present through stating,

"Grooming is still a very serious term to throw around, so I do not see how Kotoko deliberately pushing a child away from her and manipulating her to retract a testimony can somehow equate to grooming her."

A sentiment that still implies this individual believes on some level that all grooming is overtly physical or sexual.

I can admit I came on strong in these direct messages with this individual. Who again decided they just had to contact me about what they believed to be an egregious error on my part. I was defensive due to being rightfully upset by the situation occurring. However, this instance is not indicative of the sort of person I want to be when instances like this arise.

Even if from my perspective this individual had messaged me in a very accusatory, combative, disrespectful fashion that ultimately ended in insulting my intelligence. I can recognize how me sticking to facts and definitions may come off as callous, inconsiderate, or obstinate.

Still, I've stated before and I will state again I do not argue with people over their subjective opinions.

That is why when it came to my attention this was a subjective and personal interpretation which had nothing to do with my wording or the meaning of the term being used, I told this person as much. Then the discussion ended shortly after. Did I have to explain my point of view further when I stated that to them? No, I did not. At the time I was very annoyed that someone had messaged me with a lecture about something they didn't fully understand and were only treating seriously to use as a justification for why Kotoko or her actions should not be referred to in the way I did.

An individual going from, "I think you were using this term wrong" to "Well even if you were using it correctly I still think it's a very serious term to just fling around like you are". Is incredibly wishy washy to say the least and at the most disingenuous. In my opinion the behavior exhibited was not treating the topic of grooming with the seriousness it deserved.

I used the term I did in that post because this topic matters to me. It is something I am very serious about for personal reasons. For someone to message me something of this nature without knowing one thing about me or my life solely based on my post about Kotoko is disrespectful. They don't know what I know, what I've been through, or what experiences shaped me concluding what I did.

They just saw me saying something they didn't like/agree with about a character they enjoy and messaged me this without taking my own personhood into consideration. I could have blocked them. I didn't have to engage. I could have spent that hour doing something better with my time than being pestered by someone who had already chosen what their opinion of me was before even messaging under the guise of just wanting to share their concerns.

Because heaven forbid people know the technical definition of grooming or how to spot it. I mean if they did that may actually help people recognize when it's happening outside of a sexual context and move away from individuals that may be predating on them. What kind of sicko would want that? Me I want that. I want people to know how to spot these things because it's important and it allows people to be safer in real life. I don't think it's a controversial opinion to have or to state. I don't think that's an odd thing to want.

I'm not worried about fictional people. I'm worried about the safety and well-being of real people. How the beliefs people apply in Milgram can impact how they act in their real lives, the way they treat others, and how they analyze difficult and controversial topics. Maybe if we just fling around terms when they're applicable people just might learn something. Even if some people don't see how this applies or even agree with the assertion on a subjective level.

Some people in this fandom could really benefit from becoming comfortable with saying that lesson wasn't meant for me and moving the fuck on. Instead of doing things like this.

Outside of this instance other people have been harassing me before this trial even fucking started. So, what the fuck am I meant to do in this situation, huh? Some people may feel like I should stop talking about it. Yet, the fact that some people have no clue what the definition of grooming is should be a topic of concern and discussion actually. That's a legitimate problem.

Which is why I made that post discussing it.

So, from this I know personally that more avid fans have been behaving in this manner since checks notes (the timestamp of the discord messages)-

The day after her song was released.

So, if anyone doesn't see a back and forth happening here, please assume it's happening in private just like many did with other trials. Instead of believing both parties are ignoring the other and equally dismissive.

In previous trials people wanted to talk about taking things too seriously, Milgram being in good fun, and the characters not being real people when it came to literal depictions of child abuse and neglect.

There were a fair few people reducing Amane's situation to not treating her like a child because she asked us not to do that. Stating that treating her like a victim of abuse was comparable to treating her like a child. That doing so would be infantilizing and something she expressed not wanting in her first voice drama.

Ignore the fact that in her second voice drama Es specifically speculates that she on some level did want to be treated like a child and for her mistakes to be forgiven.

Along with these line that blatantly allude to this being the case from her first song Magic,

"Dear wise one, is this ok? Is it ok to be weak sometimes? I promise! A good girl that keeps a promise is like, mwah! I won’t say “I’ve had enough” Will you laugh with me and forgive me?"

"I hope, I hope everyone can be happy and smile. Forever, forever together would be a dream. Dear wise one, Am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?"

"Even I can say "I'm sorry". Even I have hope I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!"

This isn't about the abuse or her age this about taking a firm stance against cult mentalities. Amane needs to know that this sort of behavior is wrong and is never excusable even when you're being actively abused. Despite that not being the case at all during Mu's first trial.

It's like trauma and abuse are only a reasonable justification that should be taken into consideration to further contextualize the situation at hand only when it's certain characters. Not something that is getting applied equally across trials. Statements such as these prompted me to state this at the time.

Some fans of the series even going as far to state the individuals who wanted Amane Innocent during that trial were mean, aggressive, rabid, and unreasonable. Based on things happening from other platforms that certain individuals choose to bring here.

For some reason during Amane's trial people were barely discussing the blatant trauma displayed let alone speculating about other trauma she may have.

Then when discussing this situation with a friend during the day of the eclipse they brought up how everyone was really different about Haruka's trauma too. Voting him guilty for safety reasons or to show him how he was behaving was wrong and undesirable. Despite a 50/50 being possible in his situation. The same reasons people tried to use again with Amane.

So, I really don't see why some people believe speculating about Kotoko having trauma, something that everyone in Milgram and every person on earth has, is going to better contextualize her behavior, bring nuance to, or even help her case. The fandom has consistently shown that they do not care about people with trauma over the course of trial two unless it's a certain type. Some want to state that others are pushing forth the idea that Kotoko doesn't have trauma when I've personally seen no one say that and I have not said that myself.

Because it would be asine to say that. Everyone in the world has trauma to varying extents. I could not walk up to one person and ask hey do you have trauma that would go, "Actually no.... I don't think I have any. Nothing in my life has ever upset me to the extent of it being traumatic. I've actually never had any troubles ever. The world is just perfect for me. I look outside the airs crisp the sun shines all time. Sure I've faced hardships but nothing as severe as what it takes to have genuine trauma and no I've never needed therapy. I'll also never go."

It would sound off if someone told me that. It would sound a lot like, "Well some have it worse so I can't complain. Even the worst thing that has happened to me couldn't compare to what people who truly struggle go through." When honestly people can be doing worse than you and that would not diminish the experiences in your life that have hurt you or even excuse those people who have had it worse hurting you if they do. The reverse is true too. Someone could be doing better than you and that in no way can be used to dismiss the struggles they've gone through or the pain your actions may cause them.

That's just simply not how anything works. Trauma is not a competition. Sure there are varying degrees of trauma and not everyone's is going to be the same. Think of it like a burn there are different degrees but at the end of the day everyone still gets burned every once and a while. We can discuss the severity but at the end of the day all burns need treatment and time to heal. Getting burned is no excuse to be an arsonist. That has always been my point with this. Not that Kotoko doesn't have trauma but that having trauma is a normal part of life. That does not make anyone less or more than the other people around them.

I've only pointed out that I believe it's a bit ableist to state she has to have trauma because "No normal person ends up like her" or "Because no one without trauma would end up the way she is". Because newsflash everyone has some sort of trauma. Something I don't personally have an issue admitting. Furthermore, anyone could end up like Kotoko no one has to be a special sort of messed up in their past to end up the way she is. Yet not being a special sort of messed up from your past doesn't it make it more likely for someone to turn out like Kotoko.

Any person could turn out like this. Anybody could choose to behave the same way she does. Regardless someone's past does not justify or excuse them being cruel or lashing out at others. Plus, like I covered in both Amane and Haruka's cases their trauma was either blatantly ignored or weaponized against them. So, I don't see how speculating about this will make the situation better.

If that's just what people enjoy doing with their time go for it. I'm not one to knock what others find enjoyable as long as they aren't hurting others.

Plus, on a personal note I love a bit of angst every now and then myself. As well as project on the characters that I relate to. So, I understand why a good deal of people would be attached to the concept of her having trauma, maybe even trauma like their own.

However, other people not enjoying that is no reason to consistently harass or mistreat them. People can have their fun but it shouldn't be at the expense of the people around them and their feelings. I'm personally not going to speculate about shit we haven't seen at all and I have no interest in.

Kotoko having the sort of traumatic past for the reasons some individuals want her to have one just does not intrigue me. I'm not speculating on this at this time because the way it is being speculated is demeaning to me.

Want to know the most fucked up part?

People will say that others are saying she doesn't have trauma. Including myself in this when I literally fucking speculated, she had a dissociative disorder.

Something that forms through traumatic events.

So, it's not even like I'm avidly against this, don't see the merit in thinking about it, or haven't speculated on this before. I just don't think having trauma should be used as a justification or excuse for how she has behaved in the past or has stated she is committed to continuing to behave now.

I also don't believe it is something readily apparent based on how she behaves. Because again that's fucking ableist regardless of how I slice it that's how it comes off. Yet even if I didn't fucking speculate that and I saw no merit in examining Kotoko's possible trauma. That would be a personal decision of mine deserving of respect, not a thing to be antagonized over.

To be honest I find it interesting and somewhat disingenuous that things are suddenly that serious now.

Oh, but no it's only that serious if that speculative information is being used to explain and give additional context to her behavior specifically. Only if the one doing so is presenting that in a sympathetic way of course. If they're doing this in a way that comes off as demonizing Kotoko to the other party or displaying that she's wrong, then they get messages like those.

Explaining politely that they are in fact a moron, whose statements have really hurt the other person's feelings, that just doesn't know the harm their words are causing or the definition of the terms they use. To people viewing these issues in this way suddenly the other party is the sort of person who couldn't analyze their way out of a paper bag let alone through Milgram.

You just don't get it- You're a,

Moron who just didn’t understand.

Q.10 What were you called online?

Kotoko: A lot of things. Cause there were people who supported me, and then there were also morons who just didn’t understand.

No need to fret though these good people are here to help teach you the right way to interpret this now. You can learn the right way to analyze this, okay? A way that isn't so offensive to them. If you can do that maybe there's still some hope for you. Ya little dumb-dumb. With your little dumb-dumb theories and statements that lack nuance. Oh, you little thing you- If you can just listen now there's still a chance.

If you can't then you're just one of those people, it seems.

Wait, wait hold on- Let's wind it back a bit.

What about the logic used before? What if all the people voting Kotoko guilty were just having fun and the innocent voters were so aggressive and unreasonable? So, what if some people wanted to vote Kotoko guilty for the fuck of it. They're just trying to have some fun guys, it's not that serious. She's not a real person.

How would people behaving in that manner now be any different from any of the other trials then? Other than the fact that some of the people involved are on the receiving end of it this time.

At least I wouldn't be making an entire fucking shrine over it! Bribing people to vote a certain way and creating a new superstition. Yet to some of the people behaving in these ways towards other people the other party just talking about it online is bad enough.

The only reason that things have been quiet in this case is due to a lot of people who are too nice not wanting to rock the boat and staying quiet. Not because nothing is going on at all. Just like with the anon sent to the confession blog. There have been individuals who act like this for a well-documented amount of time. Harassing people behind the guise of anonymity and in private. The tactics have not changed, and individuals who choose to behave in this way will do anything to who they view as against them in the moment without much thought.

This is not an us versus them situation. This is not a cold war. This is a few bad actors harassing people for enjoying and viewing things in a different way than them.

I believe that's the definition of taking things too seriously when it comes to Milgram. So yeah, I'm saying my piece and hauling ass as quickly as possible and doing something else.

Because this is what people who even remotely discuss any of the characters analytically get for it. Not even just Kotoko. This same shit has happened to me multiple times throughout the second trial of Milgram with different characters. Which is why I treat all of this like any other day.

Yet, through saying this I recognize there are still going to be some who could frame me as behaving like this. Some people may seriously view myself and others who discuss Kotoko in ways they dislike as literal villains. People that are just conniving in the shadows to ruin her good name and strip her miraculous character of all nuance.

Evil laughing guffawing like fucking Alvin and Chipmunks villains. As they rub their hands together and laugh with their high pitch voices of sin.

Mwahahah-

"Look at her bloody evil covered in sin we've done it- We've ruined and flattened this character! We've achieved! Yaha!" They possibly imagine people who discuss her in disagreeable ways cheering as they hit that post button with a menacing grin. Just like Kotoko doing her fucking journalism and all that research.

It's so funny how much both parties in this situation have in common with Kotoko when one takes a step back to really think about it.

Hell, some fans of Milgram look at the work the staff on the series does and how certain characters have been portrayed in canon over the course of trial two the same way as people are being viewed in this situation for how they discuss Kotoko. Something that has been happening for a while. The people who create the thing aren't even exempt from this sort of behavior.

There are a good deal of people who act like this toward others then go crying about how there isn't enough nuance being applied in these situations. How people just aren't thinking about these things hard enough or in the right way. When really there is nuance just not the sort they want.

I talk about Milgram for my own enjoyment.

I'm not getting anything from this outside of displaying that enjoyment for the most part. I don't have a vendetta against Kotoko as a character. None of the Milgram characters are the people who consider themselves to be their fans.

How the people that claim to like these characters treat other real people is completely on them, reflective of their character, and ability for empathy. Simply put they chose to treat other people the ways they did and they are responsible for that regardless of how in the right they believe they are.

Yet, even if some bad actors who call themselves fans of hers consistently caused me strife that doesn't impact how much I like Kotoko's character. Just like me discussing her in a not completely positive light isn't indicative of my feelings on her either.

I can separate a character from their fans. I had a lot of practice with other prisoners before this. I can criticize a characters actions while still grasping and understanding their motivations. This is just another Monday where I talk about the things I like the way I enjoy discussing them. This trial is like every other trial to me.

In my opinion the fandom hasn't changed one bit and if anyone were to pop the hood they'd see all the gunked up gears inside. Yet, heed this warning once you go under you don't go back up top without getting dirty.

That's Milgram and it always has been.

This is what this fandom is like. A lot of good people are trying to make the best of it. Even those mistakenly hurting others in their upset are just trying to look out for their own enjoyment. Possibly in what may be the only way they know how to in this moment. That's really the only grace I can extend at this time.

So, as always when I discuss things like this within the fandom- Remember to treat people how you would personally like to be treated. How you would want your opinions and beliefs to be treated. Remember that this fandom is a space for more people than yourself. So, not everyone is going to view things the same way as you.

Take a step back and realize how amazing and enriching that fact can be. Take a moment to appreciate the diversity that each person within this fandom contributes to it. Whether that's for better or worse.

If someone's views aren't doing any harm to real people then the best thing to be is respectful. No one would want another person to walk up to them then tell them they're enjoying something they like improperly. Yes someone's individual beliefs can upset another person and be in direct opposition to what they believe but that's not causing anyone harm. Not everyone I meet in my life is going to agree with my personal beliefs or how I present them.

That does not diminish the value of those beliefs.

Diversity of thought isn't an issue. It's only becomes an issue when those thoughts turn into actions that hurt people. In fact, diversity of thought is how nuance is formed. The thing some are saying Kotoko's case does not have enough of. Which is why that statement rings so disingenuous to me across fandoms not just here.

If for some reason it's impossible for another person to be considerate and respectful of the other individuals they share a space with then they should remove themselves from that space. There is no reason for anyone to actively antagonize others on their posts in a bad faith, disrespectful, and reductive ways. There's especially no reason to direct message someone in an attempt to make them feel insecure or uncertain about something they've posted just because one may personally disagree with it.

I'm not sorry about the way I discuss Kotoko.

I am sorry that so many people are more concerned over the perception of a fictional character that they've begun stepping on the feelings and boundaries of the real people they share a space with. I'm ashamed that individuals in the fandom have and are continuing to act the ways I've experienced, seen, and heard of them acting towards people.

All of whom do quite frankly thankless work at times. I can only hope that the people who have behaved in this manner over the course of the series mature one day and recognize how detrimental their actions have been not only for themselves but to those around them.

This is the only time I will be discussing this situation in depth.

Now onto the questions.

I'm going to be brief with some of these because I didn't really feel like they gave much of anything new.

Q.11 Is there really no chance to start anew for wrongdoers?

Kotoko: No way. Once a beast gets a taste for human flesh, it will always come back for seconds.

From the beginning Kotoko hasn't been focused on if people can change. She has been focused on making them understand the suffering and pain they've caused. She's stated that people can't realize the severity of what they've done without first losing something themselves in her second voice drama,

"Es, look. Someone who committed a crime can only realise its severity through losing something. I've seen many criminals, but none of them would give way without pain."

Yet, this goes as far back as her first trial song.

"I’ll teach you the pain you caused. It’s a tie after saying sorry? What are you hoping for?"

Where she blatantly states that this isn't about apologizing and making amends it's about the other person experiencing the same pain as they caused. Throughout Harrow we also see that one of the people that Kotoko jumps has been held accountable by a court of law. However as we know from Kotoko's seventh second trial written interrogation question she has her doubts about the legal systems ability to properly punish sin.

So, she may not believe that a punishment handed down by judiciary is good enough in this circumstance. Especially for an individual implied to be a repeat offender. Him possibly getting a slap on the wrist for something he has a pattern of doing would probably only frustrate her more.

Especially if Kotoko was connected to the person he swindled in any way. Then that would make this situation more of a personal one.

So, let's take a look back at the articles from Harrow. For the record this is more speculative so feel free to ignore it.

I just felt there was something strange about the newspaper articles in her case. On of them is about a serial killer going around murdering young girls. Yet the others are mostly petty financially exploitative crimes that expressly take advantage of an elderly woman, moms, and bike owners.

That a pretty huge leap in severity. I wouldn't really think that much of it if it weren't for what we know about Kotoko.

Q.08 Tell us your family structure.

Kotoko: Grandmother, father, mother, older brother.

Q.08 What are your parent’s occupations?

Kotoko: They’re just the normal office worker and housewife. Did you want me to be born in with some unique circumstances?

In the translation there are two articles that stick out the most to me in reference to this information.

The one about the Bank Employee Impersonation scam where an elderly eighty year old woman was stalked and tricked into giving up a bank note for five hundred thousand yen or three thousand two hundred ninety four dollars and eight three cents in USD. The perpetrator of this crime was later identified as Mikio Oshii the person we see Kotoko jumping in Harrow and alluded to going to jump in Deep Cover.

I think it's possible and reasonable to speculate the first elderly woman that Mikio Oshii scammed was Kotoko's grandmother. Something that may have caused her to be interested in the case to begin with. I say first instead of second because it seems she was looking into it before the second case even occurred.

The second article referring to the fortieth victim of a "It's Me" Phone scam where a woman received a phone call from a man claiming to be their eldest son stating they'd been in an accident and needed money. Ultimately the man ended up scamming the woman out of a million yen. Stating that he'd been hospitalized due to the accident and needed the money he told her to deliver it to a train station which she did. That's another six thousand five hundred and eighty nine dollars and sixty-six cents gone.

Oh yeah Kotoko has an older brother and her mom is a housewife right? Huh... She implies that her family circumstances aren't unique through asking if we wanted her to be born under some unique circumstances. Yet, her life is a lot more interesting when you really look at everything laid out.

Her father is the sole earner of the household. Yet she goes to a top law university and managed to study martial arts from a young age. They're not rich like Mu's family but they're comfortably middle class at least. Yet this means a few scams like this and Kotoko's family would suddenly find it incredibly financially difficult to cover her university costs.

I asked Bunny about what her tuition costs would look like, and they stated,

Ok the amount I found for the University of Tokyo's law department was 804,000円 per year or $5298 per year

Then because I asked what the average office worker salary was.

kotoko uses the term 'kaishain' which is very generic 'office worker'/'company employee so as you said, lots of variation but this is apprently the average

If we go by ungendered average (4,610,000 yen) then its roughly $30,000 per year

Meaning the amount of money that her family members could have possibly lost for these scams is over the amount of how much one year of tuition would cost her.

"How heavy “HARROW” “HARROW” Is the damage to get in the way of someone’s dream- I’ll gouge you out with my fangs."/ "How heavy “HARROW” “HARROW” If it damaged someone’s dream to the points of stopping it- I’ll gouge you out with my fangs."

Not having the money to cover your next year is a good enough reason for anyone to take a break. Whoa Gunsli you just spent the whole first segment of this explaining that people were harping on Kotoko having trauma too much but now you're speculating-

Well, I also said I talk about the things that interest me. The fact that Kotoko's family members could have suffered from financially exploitative scams by the people she jumped. Well, that's pretty damn interesting.

Especially when we take this interaction between her and Mikoto into consideration,

20/07/01

Mikoto: Hey, hey, Koto-chan. I’ve been thinking this ever since I first heard your name, but don’t you think the names “Mikoto” and “Kotoko” kinda sound like siblings?

Kotoko: No.

Mikoto: Don’t say that! Let’s get along well from here on as the Koto-Koto combo!

Kotoko: I’m not doing that.

It's incredibly funny to me personally to imagine Kotoko possibly just disliking Mikoto because he reminds her of her actual older brother with his careless and flippant behavior. Hell one of the bikes stolen could have actually been her older brothers. Yet, this also showcases that she may hold a great importance in her family. Be it found or through blood.

Something she's consistently shown to be committed to. She's the sort to want to protect her pack is the best way to put it. I don't even know if this can be considered trauma or being incredibly unlucky. This would also explain why she's so hypervigilant around others and standoffish when it comes to the other prisoners at first.

If she's used to being in a close proximity to scammers and conman of course she'd be suspicious from jump.

20/05/30

Mahiru: Hey, Kotoko-chan. There’s something that’s really been bugging me, so do you mind if I ask? ……how do you style yourself so well? Have you always dressed like that? But it also looks like something you’d wear for training. Do you play sport? Ah, or maybe some kind of martial arts?

Kotoko: ……you really are carefree. Everyone in here is a “murderer” right? Is this really the time to be asking questions like that?

Mahiru: Hmm, I guess so. That’s what they said. But nobody here seems particularly scary or anything, right? If I had to pick someone, then maybe you’re the scariest! Ah, wait, do you do like yoga or something?

Kotoko: ……I can’t tell if you’re making fun of me or are just an airhead.

It would also fall in line with her going by Es' word because even though she doesn't really have much faith in Es just the merit of Milgram as a system. Then she may recognize she's simply a bit oblivious when it comes to the behavior of other people, knows she isn't the best judge of these things, and doesn't want the responsibility in case she's wrong. Sure she's confident that she'll know evil when she sees it but living with the what if's is a bit more difficult when it's all on you. Ultimately this is purely speculative and the people she jumped could be completely uninvolved with her.

However, the reason I doubt that is because of this line in Harrow-

"Whose fault is it, This is getting ridiculous."

We're never really told whose she's looking for and why. It's fair to assume that it was the child murderer but she continues going even after taking care of him as we see in Deep Cover. So what the fuck is this line referring to?

Plus it would make sense if she was suddenly no longer financially able to go to college anymore. Kotoko doesn't show a disinterest in law. In fact though she scrutinizes the justice system her interest in it seems genuine. She probably had an interest in cleaning it up from the inside and since being in Milgram she's shown an interest in continuing her studies repeatedly. So, if that was the dream that was stopped then it'd make sense if due to Milgram she began to believe it was possible again.

Especially since she went from blatantly stating she dropped out in her first voice drama to stating she's just on leave because there's something else she wants to do right now in her first written interrogation.

Q.07 What did you study at university?

Kotoko: Technically, I’m studying law. I’m on a break right now because there’s something else I want to do, though.

This would also fall in line with her belief that once an offender always an offender. As she would have been there to witness how some people behave even if it wasn't her who was actively victimized by them and just people close to her. Something that would tie into her very defensive response to this question,

Q.18 Have you ever personally been persecuted in the past?

Kotoko: I haven’t. But are you trying to say that if you haven’t had those experiences you can’t hate evildoers?

Plus I feel it would explain why literally outside of the child murders everything else on her board is a petty crime. This could just be a tidbit meant to mirror how Haruka works his way up from animals to people. Yet I don't think so because Kotoko goes from taking out a serial killer to jumping a conman. It's also possible that Kotoko and the serial killer are related in some way. Maybe through the hit and run.

From the beginning of Harrow Kotoko is flashing to the memorial and call for information on the hit and run. That we later find out the person she kills is speculated of being responsible for as well. If Kotoko was a witness to the hit and run in some way she would have more reason to assume the worse of this guy. She would also know the lengths that people involved with this person had gone to in order to cover up his heinous behavior and enable him.

Making it more likely for her to believe that if he wasn't taken care of then and there he'd just end up getting another slap on the wrist again. Or basically that this was the only way of handling the situation.

However outside of all that what Kotoko says here could also be a simple case of projection. Where she believes that others can't change because she thinks she can't either. Note that in her answer she moves away from her usual wording of discussing things in terms of good and evil.

Instead stating,

"No way. Once a beast gets a taste for human flesh, it will always come back for seconds."

Despite the question only asking about wrongdoers not murderers she immediately jumps there by saying once a beast gets a taste of human flesh. Kotoko also very similarly to Mikoto fears that she is the beast or monster that she's trying to fight.

Plus, her very first glitched voice line is-

"This feels so good."

Making it likely that a bit of her own self-hatred is coming through with this answer. Making me interpret it as her going I can't stop so how would they be able to.

Q.12 But aren’t 'your' actions an overstep of boundaries?

Kotoko: You were the one who chose to walk this path with me, aren’t you? I simply serve as a means to fulfill your wishes as a warden.

Remember when I said I was going to make some of these brief. I agree with Kotoko here. Like the audience supported her mindset. She put on full display she jumps criminals and she was in a place where others had already been judged as criminals. Before she was even on trial the others started showing signs of being viewed that way. I mean what can I say other than yeah the audience choose that. I didn't. I didn't vote on her first trial.

Like in the first half she's right. The second half she's lying. Like she hasn't even asked Es what they want her to do. Es is the warden. However, technically Kotoko does not consider Es to be the warden. She considers the audience to be the warden and Es to be just another prisoner being used as a proxy for the audience the real wardens. As shown through Deep Cover,

"“UNDER” Inept “011 Guard”"

And like some of the audience did want those people jumped. Hell, some celebrated them being jumped. So, like maybe we've wrapped back around to her just being right. Still I don't have much to say about this.

Q.13 Was the person you killed evil?

Kotoko: Of course. I’ve investigated to the very end and confirmed every detail. It’s easier here since you’re the one who’s deciding who gets punished.

I believe in journalist Kotoko to be unbiased and fair. She is fair and just. No one would ever wrongfully report on an event in the music videos where it's put on fully display that news outlets cannot be trusted as one's sole source of information several different ways. In a series where the voice drama of the very second prisoner discusses the pitfalls of tabloids and news shows.

I don't believe her by the way.

I believe that she believes she researched it thoroughly. However, she did just attempt to jump four people solely based on the opinion of what appears to be a middle schooler. So, who's to say. Then ended this by saying it's easier now that she has said middle schooler here to decide who gets punished.

In fairness she could be referring to the audience but we all know how much we know. So, that's hardly any better. I'd feel safer if she was making the decisions herself actually and I know she's going to jump Mikoto if she does. Maybe they would just be in constant combat like Wile E Coyote and the Road Runner. Then at least everyone else would be good.

Q.14 Don’t you feel a sense of isolation in your current situation?

Kotoko: It feels like nothing's changed. If the world gets even a little better just by me undertaking this isolation, then that is the role the strong play.

Hey, she's committed to being alone just like Mikoto is committed to that job. If the world can't change that's the world's problem you just keep doing you. Never introspect. If nothing has changed that really means the world hasn't gotten better or worse. Yet, you know maybe if you keep doing the same things over and over the outcome will change.

Also sidenote she wasn't really talking to anyone like that. Why would she mind the isolation like who does she miss. The one girl that's nice to her she put in a cast. She could go see her. Hell, she doesn't have any hard feelings about the jumping thing. She said so in her second voice drama. Kotoko does not have to be alone.

Mikoto even tried talking to her on her birthday. Shidou and Kazui tried to negotiate a ceasefire and have been since the first trial of trial two. People talk to her! Plus, they aren't really rude when she comes up and talks to them.

Literally everyone is over here like,

Kazui: Come join us in sin Kotoko.

Mikoto: Yeah come in the sin is fine~ Koto-koto duo!

Yuno: Come on a little sin never hurts- Do it just smile.

Mahiru: We're not so different- We could all get along if we try. Let's have fun!

Kotoko: ... (They’re still here, still here, it grates me.)

In Kotoko vision meanwhile they're all here in actuality like,

Yuno: Does she like want something?

Mahiru: Maybe she feels bad about what she did.

Shidou: ... Possibly. (Shiina is so hopeful. Though why is Yuzuriha-kun making growling noises...)

Kotoko: Sinful...all of them.

Amane: ???

Kazui and Mikoto aren't even here she's just still mad about them interfering.

Q.15 Tell us the details of your promise with Haruka.

Kotoko: Looks like you’ve done your research. Well, it’s something I won’t go forward with myself. I do feel a bit disappointed about it though.

Look I've been writing this for two days and if I don't finish before her next question drops, I'm going to feel obligated to add that too. So, no lead up with this one.

The way this question is phrased heavily implies exactly what Haruka will be doing over the course of the intermission. Which will be killing our favorite good girl,

Yuno Kashiki.

Or at least attempting to. Kotoko expressly states that what Haruka is doing is something she wouldn't go forward with herself. The thing that Kotoko has taken a hard stance against is attacking the innocent or forgiven.

Something that Kotoko has repeatedly stated herself that she would not do,

Specifically in these instances.

22/08/05 (Kazui’s Birthday)

Kotoko: ……Mukuhara Kazui. Thanks to you, I wasn’t able to properly serve justice to those who did something unforgivable. I’m currently acting as an agent for our prison guard Es. Don’t get in my way next time.

Kazui: Oi oi, don’t be silly, Yuzuriha-chan. There’s no way I could just look away from your outrageous display of violence. Anyway, even disregarding the fact violence against those voted guilty isn’t a part of Milgram’s system, what you’re doing is just acting recklessly based on a broad interpretation. As long as I’m free myself, I’ll stop you.

Kotoko: ……what a pointless argument. Hmph. Since Es forgives you, I have no choice but to forgive you myself too. If you're to keep to your word, then you’d best do what you can to keep being forgiven. If you’re not, then next time you’ll be one of my targets.

Kazui: Oh, how scary. That girl truly is frightening. ……well then, I wonder what the guard will decide to do with me. That’s the one thing I really can’t make out. Honestly……

"Hurting the innocent through violence, taking from others, killing people... I can't stand it at all! There are too many cases of The Law being unable to deliver a verdict to sinning. Just by exploiting loopholes in the law, the sinners who have bullied and tortured the weak can still live out their lives unpunished! I want to change this world but I alone only have so much power!"

Q.20 What do you consider “evil”?

Kotoko: The persecution of the weak and innocent.

That's Kotoko's hard line she's not going to attack people who have been deemed innocent. Because she genuinely believes the persecution of the weak and innocent is wrong. We don't have to worry about Haruka attacking Amane because Kotoko said he's going to do something she wouldn't which she admitted she would have done that,

"Ah, about that... My apologies. I couldn't give enough pain to Kayano Mikoto and Momose Amane."

..! You..!

"I attacked everyone in order, but because of the interference caused by Kayano Mikoto and Mukuhara Kazui, who was protecting Kajiyama Fuuta, I couldn't finish it properly. But I was still able to do some damage. After attacking Shiina Mahiru, I had no time left for Momose Amane."

You've planned... on attacking Amane too?

"That's right. You haven't forgiven her, so wouldn't it be justified?"

But she's just a child...

"So what? This "child" is kept here because she murdered a person, isn't she?"

Right...

"You thought I won't attack her because of the young age? Sorry for disappointing you. It's all because of my lack of strength."

Whether Kotoko behaves this way because she genuinely believes hurting the innocent and weak is wrong or because she wants her actions to be justifiable in the eyes of the law is completely secondary. The point is this in fact tells us what Haruka is going to do through the process of elimination. We know all the things Kotoko would do and one thing that she wouldn't.

She basically just tells us without telling us. Now one could debate that Kotoko wouldn't harm herself either. So, that could still be all Haruka is going to do. Yeah, that'd be reasonable but there's also foreshadowing of him being jealous of Yuno and under the belief that she is the audiences favorite out of their pair.

Or the one who wound up getting the most attention. Including parallels between their trial two songs.

I just want to be your good boy-I will keep on killing to be a good boy/Caressing me with your “Good girl”- Who needs your self-righteous pardon?

Like she has what he wants and he bluntly states in his second trial interrogation-

Q.20 Did you hate the person you killed?

Haruka: I wonder if I did. I was jealous of them.

Man I doubt Haruka would be jealous of the person who is right after him who has been innocent twice. It's not like he was already upset about the idea that the audience and Es would change his verdict this trial.

Meanwhile Yuno is over here like,

Yuno: They keep telling me what a good girl I am. How I've never done anything wrong and never could. Who needs that type of half-assed shit.

Haruka: *collapsed on the ground trying to reach a blunt object struggling for air* (It could have been me! I wanted to be the good one- I've been the good one! I've been practicing better communication and everything- She doesn't even want it!)

Yuno: Like really who do these people think they are? Who needs words like those filled to the brim with self-righteousness and demeaning assumptions. They're all so gross can't they just disappear. Innocent- Ugh, like shut up already nobody even asked for your opinion.

Haruka: *sustaining psychic damage on the ground sobbing* (SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT IT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW GOOD SHE HAS IT!)

Though he could end up attacking any of the innocent prisoners. It doesn't have to be Yuno. So thanks for telling us it's at least something you wouldn't do yourself that really narrows it down. It's either that or he's attacking Shidou or Kazui. Though Haruka does specify he can kill anything smaller than him in his second voice drama and Yuno fits the description best out of those who have been consistently innocent.

Q.16 Do you think there are the ‘weak’ among the other prisoners?

Kotoko: I’m sure there’s a lot. Those with weak wills will easily turn to evil. The only thing we can do is firmly instill the risk of turning to it.

So, the way this question was translated confused me and I ended up asking @doctorbunny what exactly was going on with it. This is what he said.

囚人の中に弱者いると思うか？ shuujin no naka ni (Amongst the prisoners) jakusha iru (there are weak people/'the weak') to omou ka? (do you think) aka Do you think any of the prisoners are weaklings?

A few questions ago Kotoko considered herself to be 強者/kyousha/a strong person

Q.14 Don’t you feel a sense of isolation in your current situation?

Kotoko: It feels like nothings changed. If the world gets even a little better just by me undertaking this isolation, then that is the role the strong play.

This was the conclusion from this exchange based on the answer provided.

Given that Kotoko stated she was sure there are a lot of weaklings amongst the prisoners. Then choose to elaborate stating that those with weak wills easily turn to evil. Causing the only thing we (in this case being Es and her the strong as she stated herself to be earlier in this interrogation) can only firmly instill the risk of turning to it.

This can only imply one thing that she punishes weaklings as well if they are at risk of turning to evil. Because she blatantly states that there are weaklings here within the prison and in her second trial song tells blatantly states that them still being here grates her and implies she'd like them to guilty. So, she recognizes they're weak and states that as why they turn to evil as well. So she's just saying the weak can be evil and deserve to be punished like anyone else to be dissuaded from doing evil.

People needing to be dissuaded from doing evil is a belief she was open about in her second voice drama Yonah.

"Es, look. Someone who committed a crime can only realise its severity through losing something. I've seen many criminals, but none of them would give way without pain." - "When a person who killed someone is met with violence, it's called "karmic retribution". Don't you have such a feeling?"

"If you sin, You need to do more than be atoned. It’s karma dude!"

This answer serves to further contextualize her second trial glitched voice line as well,

"From the beginning I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing Earth closer to peace. Useless Weaklings should just shut up and let me protect them!"

Kotoko basically came out and said the quiet part out loud. That she attacks weaklings too. At least if they're at risk of turning to evil or to dissuade them from it. Still given the phrasing of the question was difficult for me to grasp and I genuinely couldn't believe she would just say that I asked him to look into the answer too.

Again sorry Bunny for the inconvenience. At first, he came back with this,

たくさんいるでしょうね。takusan iru deshou ne. = There's a lot, [of prisoners who are weaklings] aren't there. 弱いではあぐ悪に転ぶ。Yowai dewa agu(?) aku ni korobu. = 悪に転ぶリスクを不直え(??)付けるしかない。aku ni korobu risuku wo fu naoe tsukeru shikanai.

But ended up having to ask another party for help. Then came back with this later on.

OK so 囚人の中に弱者いると思うか？- shuujin no naka ni jakusha iru to omou ka? - Do you think any of the prisoners are weaklings? たくさんいるでしょうね。- takusan iru deshou ne - A lot of them are, aren't they. 弱い心はすぐ悪に転ぶ。yowai kokoro wa sugu aku ni korobu - [people with] Weak minds/spirits readily turn to evil. 悪に転ぶリスクを植え付けるしかない - aku ni korobu risuku wo uetsukeru shikanai. - I have no choice but to instil the risks of turning to evil Weak one of these www

So, that's the full breakdown of that.

Personally, I'd interpret the question and answer this way given all this-

Q.16 Do you think there are weak people amongst the prisoners?

Kotoko: A lot of them are, aren't they? Weak minds easily turn to doing evil. I have no choice but to instill the risks of resorting to such things.

So, she is bluntly stating that she reprimands the weak too in order to make sure that they resort to evil as well. Which, um I've been bringing up this line a lot but- Here it goes again.

"From the beginning I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing Earth closer to peace. Useless Weaklings should just shut up and let me protect them!"

So, it's not this is even new either. She'll punish the weak too. Why else would she be yelling this at someone she considers a weakling? This isn't really a friendly thing to yell and she didn't sound friendly when she yelled it either. I'm glad she established that with very little prompting... The second statement didn't even pertain to the fucking question. She just added that second part on. Kotoko I said this for Mikoto before his trial but girl shut the fuck up. Learn to lie by omission better and on paper. You did not have to fucking write that girl you didn't specify what the fuck Haruka was planning you were pretty vague then.

Why didn't you keep that fucking energy? Nobody fucking asked for an elaboration. You could have kept it to a simple yeah some people here are weak. Listen not everything has to be more than one sentence start leaving shit blank, start scribbling on the page.

(Star here- I think she's trying to be personable in a similar way to how she's tried with Es in both her voice dramas. However, not only is it detrimental to her case as a whole, it also gives off a way different vibe when written down instead of spoken.)

What Star typed is incredibly fair. I Just find it a bit funny because Kotoko that wasn't the question. You didn't have to add that. All I can say is at least Kotoko tends to be honest. Sometimes too honest if she really doesn't think the topic of discussion or her beliefs on it are a problem. I'm just a bit flabbergasted. Like why I don't understand. Why say that?

I just... Do I really have to say anything else about this it kind of speaks for itself. Well that's really all I have to say on that situation and these questions. So, yeah if you made it this far thanks for reading this to the end. These are just my thoughts on this and I hope that even if you don't like them some of what's here can at least help you understand where I'm coming from.

#milgram #kotoko yuzuhira #yuzuriha kotoko

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ramzawrites · 2 years

Text

ARIA - Autonomous Research Interactive Assistant | AI!Reader in the Krang Apocalypse - Part 2

GEN

Part 1

Pairings: None

Characters included: Future!Donatello, Future!Michelangelo, Future!S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N, Future!Leonardo, Future!Raphael, Future!April

Warnings: n/a

Series: Part 2

Summary: Aria is slowly growing into their own person with the help of their father, uncles and of course brother Shelldon.

Word count: 3509

Authors Note: I admittedly was sitting on these parts for a while so here second chapter already haha

As expected Aria learned and assimilated themself easily into their new environment. Of course, they were at the start very matter of factly and took everything literally but that was to be expected. Donnie did of course program them with the ability to recognize emotions and being able to detect things like sarcasm easier but putting down the theory on that alone can still not compare really to doing it in practice.

It helped a ton that Shelldon immediately took on the job of supervising them, explaining to his creator that he probably knew best how to teach them and show them how things worked. How could Donnie argue with that? Shelldon literally was in the same boat as Aria.

So when Donnie did enough tests and felt like their robot body worked up to his specifications, he wanted to properly show his new invention around the base to make sure they can find their way and recognize the few people he put into their databank.

Aria introduced themself to everyone “Hello. I am the Autonomous Research Interactive Assistant, but you may also call me Aria. It is nice to meet you. I will be able to answer any inquiries you have. How may I help you?”

It was Shelldon who told them that they don’t have to say out loud that they created a new register and will keep updating it whenever they interact with the new person. That was better left unsaid. It made people feel watched and paranoid and paranoia was in abundance in this apocalyptic world.

Most reacted positive to the new robot though. At this point everyone knew that Donnie was pretty much able to create miracles if he had the resources, so to see a new sentient robot walking around really wasn’t that crazy. While they reacted positively there was still a smidge of hesitancy that was natural ever since the Krang took over.

While the Krang were organic, to the point of their technology even being an organic being, they still deployed monsters into the wild that were basically robots with glowing red eyes. But the people knew. The people knew that technology that was branded with the GeniusTech logo was safe.

His family though didn’t have this same hesitant reaction. They knew that Donnie’s inventions were safe, even after years where they had to “fix his fixes” over and over again. Even so, they trusted Donnie and to that extent his tech unconditionally. Sometimes this realization crept up on Donnie and he couldn’t help but feel warm deep inside his chest.

When they walked past Leo, Donnie stopped him in his tracks. Leo knew of his project but hadn’t had the chance to interact with it yet.

Shelldon happily stood next to his robot sibling and stretched his hands towards them, doing jazz hands as he presented them to Leo “Look at them! That’s Aria! My new sibling who knows everything Donnie knows!”

Leonardo snorted out a huff of air at the excited behavior of Shelldon. His eyes rose to Donnie once with a raised eyebrow before he knelt down to offer his hand to Aria.

Donnie rolled his eyes, he wanted to say that this was unnecessary, but he chose to hold back. Instead, he just watched Leo as Aria went through their introduction spiel once again. The way his older twin brother smiled and begun asking questions as to what exactly Aria can do, it reminded him very much how Leo always interacted with the children in the base.

He always tried to make himself smaller, get to their eyelevel and graced them with the same soft but smug smile. Always asking them questions what they can do and what they had learned recently. The reaction was usually always the same impressed gasp which apparently he couldn’t help doing as he listened to Aria count of all their functions.

When it was way into the night and both Shelldon and Aria were currently charging Donnie met up with his brother in the kitchen when both seemingly went to get a snack and something to drink at the same time.

It was then that Donnie brought this observation up to him.

Leo shrugged “Technically they are only like a week old, and they are also so small. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because it’s very obvious that they are new and still getting used to everything? In a way it really does remind me of a child, I guess? Even if they are a robot and all.”

“You never did the same with Shelldon.”

Once again he shrugged “Eh, I was a teen then and Shelldon seemed to be on eyelevel. Now I’m older and stuff… I don’t know!” He raised his voice at the end but laughed.

It was clear he wanted to give Donnie an honest answer but he himself couldn’t really explain it. Not that this was an important matter anyhow. He was just curious what about Aria made Leo react that way. Maybe it was just his analytical brain trying to understand how Aria came across to others and if he needed to make adjustments.

Mikey was so excited when he met Aria properly. He just kept asking them all sorts of things. Why are plants usually green? Why are some oceans seemingly gray and others are a deep blue? What can you do to force another growth spurt?

Donnie had a smile on his face as he watched his younger brother use Aria as his personal encyclopedia. To be honest this was kind of a good idea to just let Mikey ramble off all his questions and see how Aria reacted. They seemed to react just as he wanted, being able to “dumb down” their explanations if Mikey told them that he didn’t understand their too technical response.

Honestly it was really good training for them to learn a more natural way of speaking and explanation. Even if the details of the subject go missing but those could be asked for and maybe one day Aria will learn with whom they can speak more technical to and for whom they had to rephrase their knowledge. Frankly something he had to learn as well.

Shelldon was also at their side. Explaining to them exactly why Mikey might have not understood their current explanation. He went even so far as giving them a ton of verbal praise to make sure they understood that they did this correctly.

Seemed like Shelldon really took them under his wing immediately.

Raph’s reaction was kind of a mix between Leo and Mikey. Over the years Shelldon also started to climb all over Raph’s shell when he had the chance, just how Raph’s brothers used to do. Well, they still used him as their personal perch to be fair.

Shelldon released his rotor blades on his back to fly up and then sit down on one side of Raph’s shoulder, afterwards putting the rotors back into his shell. The red turtle didn’t even react, so used to this. Instead his eyes were glued on the new robot who was once again introducing themself formally.

Without a warning he just snatched them from the ground and moved them up, so they were on eyelevel with him. He scrunched his face together in thought as he eyed the new robot “So, I can ask you any question?”

Aria nodded, something they didn’t do at the start but learned while doing introductions “Yes. If it’s in my databank I can answer any questions and if it’s not I have the abilities do my own research to answer your question.”

Their speech pattern improved a lot as well. Not referring to questions only as inquiries anymore for example.

Raph squinted his eyes even more together “So.” He drawled out “Could you also help Raph with creating a better training plan? Because I know there are ways to make it better, but I don’t really know how.”

Actually, that was a good question! This wasn’t a straight question for one specific fact. This would require combining multiple things together. It really was a good idea to do the rounds with Aria.

“It should be possible. There are many ways to go about this. Are we talking about increasing muscle mass? Cardio? What kind of training do you already do?”

Raphael smiled “How about I show ya. You can help me then.” He then proceeded to move Aria up to his other shoulder. Shelldon’s hand immediately darted over to grasp onto Aria when he saw them swaying back for a second when Raph began walking.

When Aria introduced themself to April, she looked towards Donnie with a raised eyebrow “Say Donnie, this one won’t go all rogue like Shelldon did once, right?”

He scoffed offendedly at that, even if this was mostly meant as a way to tease him “No! I’ve learned since then! Besides I have higher hopes this time around that my lovely brother won’t just sabotage my work. I’m pretty sure that this fact played a huge role in that”

April chuckled at that “Alright, alright. I gotcha. Just making sure.” She winked to really bring home that she was just teasing him.

She then turned to the new small robot and introduced herself as well.

“Yes. April O’Neil. Oldest sister to the Hamato’s. The brothers met you when they all were still kids.” Aria explained.

She nodded “Made sense that Don already told you that all. Well, I already know you’ll be a huge asset to the resistance and welcome to our little family. Well honestly our family isn’t so small anymore.”

This was certainly true. At first it really was just the four with their father. Then April joined and later Sunita and even Cassandra. Somewhere along the way Draxum joined the family as well. And if you added Shelldon and Aria as well then that made up a group of eleven people. It was just sometimes hard to see with everyone busy or away on missions.

It didn’t take long for Donnie to let Aria roam around the base on their own.

He first placed them to what they referred to as the kindergarten. Really it was a school and a way to train children basic skills to survive in the new apocalyptic world. They had games like “Down the Krang” that was just a way to teach them where some of the weak points were on Krangs and how to work together from an early age on.

But Aria was there and helped the few teachers out that were able to teach the kids. Just how they did with Mikey, they acted mostly as a personal encyclopedia for the children. Which got Donnie a little bit in trouble since apparently Aria didn’t realize they shouldn’t mention the most cruel details of certain subjects.

Kids certainly shouldn’t have to hear about how Krang assimilate other people and how they can basically take apart the victims brain.

Not that this wouldn’t be a thing they’d soon learn anyhow. But people tried to save the children’s innocence as much as they could. Even with death and worse things being a daily occurrence.

It was a bit tricky to explain this concept to Aria though. Luckily Shelldon was right there to take that duty on to himself. Basically explaining in more detail how parents and adults want to ensure children have a happy childhood, trying to avoid anything that might be considered as something negative. Not everything at all the time but they want to take their time before getting into the cruel stuff. Give them a chance to prepare themselves for some of the more cruel aspects of the world.

Which them sported Aria asking Shelldon a ton of questions. Would it be okay to talk about death in general? But shouldn’t they learn what to do when seriously hurt?

It really surprised Donnie when Shelldon seemingly had answers to most of their questions. He supposed it made sense that he had problems trying to teach Aria these things since most of it relies more on instinct and having watched behaviors of others for a while to make these judgments, while Shelldon from day one was only able to rely on what he knew and then over the years what he observed.

Donnie didn’t realize that his instinct when it came to interaction was this strong though, since he often felt like he mostly emulated what others did. Well might be that his emulation of everything happens on a more instinctual part.

As they days passed more and more approached Aria instead of Donnie when he was obviously busy. When Aria was already busy they put the next person in a sort of que in their system and ran from one part of the base to the next.

When Shelldon wasn’t busy on doing his rounds around the base or was on a special recon mission he was usually found at Aria’s side. At this point it really felt like they were joined at the hip. Often enough when Aria had questions on how to handle certain situations they approached their brother more than Donnie, which he didn’t mind! It was an interesting observation mostly.

Though the consequences of this were that they seemed to pick up more and more of Shelldon’s mannerisms. That said they never seemed to take on the same kind of chill bro speech pattern. Even if Shelldon tried to make them say “Brah” only to admit that it felt “way off” coming from them.

“Father, you should rest. You have been awake for 68 hours.”

What they took away from Shelldon was them also starting to refer to Donnie as father. And it surprised him when he didn’t mind it. It made sense. He saw all of his projects as “his babies” after all. Not that he ever would say that out loud. The only one he ever really showed this kind of relationship openly with was with Shelldon.

Well, there was this incident with his bed invention but that’s not the point right now. It wasn’t a true AI anyhow.

The first time Aria referred to him as father, he had to take a double take. They usually tended to refer to him as Donatello, sometimes Donnie and rarely creator.

They once did refer to Donnie as Mister Hamato when there was a prick military person in the base who kept calling the turtle brothers derogatory names and apparently Aria thought this would make Donnie sound more like a person to be taken seriously.

It ended with Leo laughing so hard he fell to the ground blinded by his own tears since this came out of nowhere.

Donnie was mostly annoyed with Leo apparently thinking it was hilarious when someone tried to pay him, deservedly, respect.

But father was a weighted word and normally Aria would ask others for their permission to assign a new alias or nickname for them. But this time they didn’t.

“Excuse me? Can you say that again?” Donnie asked, trying to hide his bewilderment as he turned around in his chair to look at his robot.

Aria had their hands on their hips and the pixelated face was turned into a pouty frown “I said that you have been awake for 68 hours straight and that you should rest.”

It’s been only a few weeks and they seemed to already have improved so much and even showing off their own personality. They often enough reprimanded him to take better care of himself and in a way this reminded him so much of how he used to interact with his own father.

“I, uh, yeah. I got kind of caught up in this project. But what did you call me?”

Aria’s arms dropped to their side, their face turning to a smile as they tilted their head to the side “I called you father.” Their robotic voice was more unsure “I’m sorry. I didn’t ask for permission. I just assumed since Shelldon always calls you dad and he calls himself my brother…” They trailed off at the end.

Donnie was for a moment caught in the realization how much better they got at showing actual emotions. A feeling of pride grew in his chest at the words they used.

They assumed.

They assumed!

They are learning and in turn are growing. And now they are seemingly trusting their own ability to think for themself. Donnie knew that they were a true sentient AI but to see them actually grow on their own? There was no better word than pride.

He slowly nodded “No, no. Shelldon was right.” He hesitated a bit at the end. It is a bit ironic that he created AI able to feel and think for themselves when he is famously bad with feelings himself “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Aria just stared at him for a moment longer before answering “So, it is alright if I call you father? Or dad?”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure. I don’t mind.” He tried to sound casual. He was somehow nervous? Happy? It was a complicated feeling that was settling down in his chest and gut which made him almost more annoyed than anything.

“Alright then, dad. It is time for you to rest. I already asked Uncle Mikey to make you something small to eat as well.” They then walked over and begun softly pulling on his hand.

Donnie couldn’t help but just follow along. Sure, Aria was stronger than most but right now they were barely pulling on him, still Donnie moved as his robot pulled him away from his work and instead into the part of the base the Hamatos have claimed for themselves.

“Uncle Mikey?” Donnie asked as they made their way. Donnie was a bit ducked down so he could still hold onto Aria’s hand as they continued to pull him along as if he didn’t know the way to his own kitchen.

Aria nodded “He said I could call him that and I like it. I like that I have a family.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

#rottmnt #tmnt #rottmnt x reader #rottmnt reader insert #tmnt x reader #reader insert #rottmnt donatello #rottmnt shelldon #rottmnt michelangelo #rottmnt leonardo #rottmnt raphael #future donatello #future leonardo #future michelangelo #future raphael #future april o'neil #ramza writes

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fizzingwizard · 7 months

Text

I feel a need to write about today minute by minute. It's always annoying to forget details and remember them inconveniently at the wrong time, but not at the right now. And I need to vent as usual lol. Oh work.

At 9:45, I take my students to the bathroom. One pees on the floor. I am calling and calling his name, I am standing next to him, looking right at him, but he is just staring at nothing, peeing on the floor and his shoes. I absolutely do not get it. He was in another world. So I'm dealing with the mess and ask my coworker (A) to switch lesson time with me so she can teach during my slot while I clean.

When I get back to my room, 1 is teaching and the kids are misbehaving. Coworker 2 is there. B2is brand spanking new. Joined us literally last week. She is nice and hard working, I don't think she has much experience with little kids though. I have no doubt she'll get the hang of it soon, but as for now she really doesn't know what to do. I do my best to get the class in order as well as prep for the next things.

1 finishes and I teach my lesson. Challenging student A is crawling around the back of the room. 2 is trying to stop A. I try to tell her to leave him alone. We suspect he's on the spectrum, but he's too young for a diagnosis, so my choice has been to let him take the lead with what he wants to do as long as he isn't a danger to himself or other kids. There is too much pressure on young kids in Japan to be "well-behaved," and while in a school group certain behaviors are important, I'm not trying to force my students to be robots. 2 just isn't familiar with A, but I, the teacher who is familiar with him, have to teach my damn lesson. Then Challenging student I kicks up his usual mid-lesson fuss, so I ask 1 to take him for a walk outside for a couple minutes. I can't go handle him myself because I. Am. Teeeeeaachinggggg. 1 has a tough time with him and the manager gets involved.

I finish the lesson and get my kids ready to go outside. We go to the toilet then have a drink. I ask 2 to help the kids get their water bottles because another student is having a melt down, so I'm dealing with them. When I look over, the kids have all attacked the water bottle basket. They are supposed to sit by the wall and wait for their name to come get their water bottle, but they either didn't listen to 2, or 2 didn't understand how much leadership is needed with toddlers even over very small things. So I have to go and fix the water bottle situation. Then Youngest student K pees all over her pants, despite sitting on the toilet not five minutes ago and refusing to pee, lol. So 1 comes back and changes her. I don't even remember what 2 was doing at this point, but she was occupied with something.

The energy among the kids is Chaos. You get familiar with it. After trying everything in the book, I finally decided we were not in the right atmosphere to go outside. I had them sing a quiet song, fix our listening ears, and then, one by one, I called them by name to chose an activity to do indoors. After a while 1 is done cleaning up K, and I have no idea what 2 was doing. I facilitate everything with the activities and it's the most peaceful it's been all day.

We clean up and then go back to the bathroom. I send 1 and 2 back with about half the class to start getting ready for lunch. When I get back with the rest of the kids, it's loud and crazy, A is crying on the floor, 1 is trying to calm him down, 2 looks like she doesn't know what do first. I give A a hug and he calms down right away. I get my toy megaphone and have the kids sing a song with it. We have lunch. I'm dying.

After lunch: A refuses, as he always does, to clean up his fork and spoon. He throws his jelly cup. 1 takes him aside to explain to him why it's dangerous to throw things. He throws a fit. I don't know this is going on because I'm helping other kids. I don't know what 2 was doing again except for understanding she couldn't be left to make decisions. So I can't leave the room for the next bathroom trip while 1 is with A. She's gone for a while and A is just crying and crying. Finally she comes back, and I just grab 2/3s of the kids and take them to the bathroom. I am not "supposed" to have that many kids with me by myself. But this is the fact: I was better equipped to take care of that many kids than my coworkers were to take care of the few who I left behind with them.

I did have to leave Challenging student TE behind because he was so over the top wild all day, and had just been hitting and poking other kids. Since I had to leave, I had him sit in a chair and told him, as well as both co-teachers, that he needed to sit there for one minute, then he would be allowed to go read a book. When kids are this young, making them sit somewhere to "think about their actions" is totally counter-productive. They forget really fast what they're even supposed to be reflecting on and only remember that they're unhappy. There is no point and it's mean to do it to them. The point of putting TE in the chair was for him to calm down. Ideally I would have been with him, but if you haven't noticed (which I think my school hasn't sometimes!) I am only one person and can't be EVERYWHERE, I DO need support from co-teachers. But I did my best to compromise - since I couldn't be there, I made sure my co-teacher understood TE could leave the chair and read a book, he was NOT in time out or any kind of punishment.

We luck out that being so late means we don't have to compete with other classes for the toilets, and we're done in ten minutes. We get back to the room. Two teachers with a small group of fairly easy kids and the room's not clean yet and the kids aren't all cleaned up from lunch yet. AND!! T is still in the chair. Not only is TE still in the chair, but N has crawled behind him and they're giggling together. This means TE was in the chair for at least ten minutes, WAY too long. (And much longer than I had specifically said!) Also no one was watching N. Again, there were TWO teachers in the room with a small number of kids - so small that it was under ration for JUST ONE OF THEM. I HAD ALL THE REST. BY MYSELF. I want to cry I swear I want to cry just remembering it.

Well anyway! Fizz is back now so let's get things in order. I ask 1 to take the kids who had been left in the room to the bathroom. 2 finishes the cleaning while I watch the class play. Peace finally returns for a while. It's clear we aren't going to do ANYTHING constructive today, but sometimes with toddlers it is what it is. At least they are happy and playing well together for the most part.

So, when 1 comes back, I decide it's time to deal with A. A is extremely, extremely challenging. He is a total sweetheart, but he's got what we'd call a defiant personality. He simply doesn't understands the difference between responsibility and being forced to do things. Choice is very important to him. That is fine in general, but it's not fine, for example, if his choice is to whack another kid with a toy, or to stick his hand down the toilet, etc.

A's mom is trying hard to potty train him, so she is sending him in underwear every day. The problem is, A is defiant about going to the toilet. So he wears underwear but holds in his pee all day until he wets his pants. Our strategy, with mom's approval, is not to force him. Of course we don't force ANY of our kids to do things, but what I mean is, to A, things feel like being "forced" which to other kids are just "mild persuasion." We don't want A to feel that using the toilet is a negative experience where his feelings don't matter. We also know A does much much much MUCH better one on one than in groups. So we have found that if we take him to the toilet AFTER all the other kids have already gone, he can do it.

1 had a hard time with A today because said "it's scary" and "go away" and was rude to her. I did explain that A is only saying these things because they get a result. He's not actually afraid of the toilet. He uses it perfectly fine when he's in the right mood. He also isn't afraid of A, who is, if anything, too nice with the kids lol. He has said the same things to every other teacher as well. It's a power move: he isn't hurt. However, since 1 and A have had a few unproductive clashes all day (and still are: A is refusing to clean up from lunch even now), I decide it's not a good idea to ask 1 to take A to the toilet. However, A still needs to go. It's not good to hold your pee in so long. And having random days where he doesn't get a chance to use the toilet at the usual time is not good for his potty training either.

So I talk to 1 and 2 individually and tell them that I am taking A to the toilet, and that they don't have to do anything except watch the kids play. I tell 2 especially which kids need extra careful watching because they sometimes play rough. It's peaceful when A and I leave the room.

Well, I got A to pee in the toilet no problem. He said "no" only a couple times and then just went and did it. Yay. It took some comforting first but progress is progress.

I get back to the class and - someone bit TA on the hand while I was gone. NEITHER of the two teachers in the room saw it. Full disclosure - it happens. We do our best, but not even pre-K teachers have eyes on the back of their head. But this coming after the entire rest of the day - I just felt like I couldn't leave the room, but also no one else could leave the room when kids needed to. I had to be there and be elsewhere and be with every kid somehow. 1 and 2 tell me they think S bit TA because that's what the other kids said. This is terrible news, because S does not handle being "in trouble" well, no matter how much we reassure she isn't. But I have no choice: I have to take S and TA into the hall so we can talk about what happened.

I have no intention of accusing S of anything teachers didn't witness her do. My intent is to ask her if she bit TA, and when she inevitably said no, to explain to both of them why gentle hands are important during play time, and then let S go back to playing. If no one saw her and she says she didn't, I have to believe her. Besides - in my own opinion, it's unlikely she bit TA. She can get rough sometimes, but it would be the first time she ever used her teeth. TE, however, was a biter in the spring. He got much better for a while, but only a couple weeks ago he bit both me and 1. He bites as a form of play, not in aggression. Since we have a biter in the class, I think it's more likely him than S, who has never bitten another kid before. However, I wasn't in the room at the time, and my impression from what the other teachers told me, just then, was that they thought it was highly likely S had bitten TA. Only later did I find out they weren't really sure. What I would have done if I'd realized is talk to the class as a whole, rather than take one child aside.

S had a total melt down. She's a fighter, thrashes, kicker, and screamer when she is upset. I asked the manager to help because while I speak Japanese, my sometimes awkward grammar can be an impediment to an upset child, or an upset child's voice can be more difficult for me as a non-native speaker to understand. I tell the manager I want S to understand that I am not angry, she is not in trouble, we just want to hear from her if she was involved with what happened to TA, and that if she says she wasn't involved she will be believed. But S is too upset even to listen in her own language. It's clear that she's turned off words completely and is just melting down. In the end, she bumps her head thrashing. It's hardly a bump, and tbh I'm grateful for it, because it calmed her down enough to listen to me offer to take her to get some ice for it. Once I have the ice, she lets me hug her and finally lets me tell her that I love her and she is just fine. I ask her if she did anything to TA. She says no. I say okay, I believe you, shall we go play? And we go back to the manager to say thank you for helping, because I want S to have a good relationship with the manager too.

Get back to the classroom it's 1:40 aaaaaaahhh. I let the kids play a few minutes longer so that after all that drama S doesn't have to immediately clean up the toys when she finally gets back inside. We're late going to the bathroom. Somehow I get all the kids in and out, diapers changed, and ready for good-bye time and I get all their valentines sent home. We don't have time for more than one song, then it's nap time.

During nap time I direct my coteachers (a fourth part-timer, 4, has shown up just before good-bye time - I don't usually have three helpers, but I assume she was added to my room because the manager anticipated, to some extent, how rough we were going to have it with just me and two newbies) to change about five kids clothes. Because yeah, it's February, but holy shit it's HOT outside. I kept wanting to turn off the heat, only to look at the thermostat and realize it wasn't even on! I can't switch it to cool air by myself, so we just had the fan on, but with so many bodies it hardly helped. The kids should have been changed into cooler clothes much earlier. It was just another thing that I couldn't get done by myself. But now we're changing clothes left and right, especially those fleece-lined pants I despise so much. They're nice if you're outside, but little kids overheat in seconds: don't put them in heat-retaining clothes if they're going to be running around a lot, even in winter! Some kids are wearig threeeeeeeeeeee layersssssss. I know it's winter but it's winter in KANSAI it's nOT that big of a deal. We had two weeks below zero which was too cold for my heater, yeah, but only lasted two weeks! It's now warm enough in midday to go out without a jacket even! (Which is weirdly warm for the time of year even here tbh...)

I stay in the nap room through part of my off-duty time to make sure all the difficult nappers go to sleep, because yesterday they didn't, and another classroom teacher who had nap duty with them for a while afterward kept talking about how they were playing during nap but slept because she "didn't let them not sleep." Which made me feel like I was being accused of not being firm enough with them. Again, like I am the only teacher there. To be clear, I don't think that's what this teacher meant to imply. I think she was just talking. It's because I feel so pressured to do everything and to never take my own break time because my own kids need ME and won't accept the other teachers. It isn't because I'm too nice to them. It's because the other teachers are new and inexperienced, or part-timers who barely even know the kids. Of course they don't respond to them as easily. Of course they get better results when I'm there instead. But if I'm always there, I'm never off duty. And even if I never took breaks, I still have to do progress reports, lots of other paperwork, prep crafts and activities, wash and organize things, as well as my own daily assigned cleaning duty. I HAVE to be away from the kids for SOME portion of the day. The other teachers NEED to be able to put the kids to sleep without me!!!

Surprisingly at this point I wasn't feeling super stressed. We had survived the day - a kid got bit, which is never good, but it didn't break the skin, he's perfectly fine, and not to be cavalier about it but I've seen way worse. (Way worse happened in other class the same day actually.) If a class of toddlers gets to nap time safe and happy, the day's a success... that's the bar you shoot for sometimes lol.

But as I'm a huge overthinker, by 3:30 I had starting doom-telling the future, where I continue to have this situation of my kids being wild and me being the only teacher in the room with a voice. Me having to direct not only my students, not only one new co-teacher, but BOTH coteachers. Me having barely any support every day. My usual partner every year, 3, has wanted to quit all year. Her plan was to quit in September. No replacement was found by then, so she was convinced to stay till December. Surprise surprise, STILL no replacement. She agrees to stay till the end of the year BUT only three days a week, and what days those are keep changing. (Also, even on days when she's here, there's enough general chaos that she or 1 get sent to other classes to help them instead. So there's very little stability in my room apart from myself.)

I am questioning whether I should have stayed in the classroom when I left, or left when I chose to stay - I'm questioning every single thing that happened all day and it's like I just can't be everywhere. I need support. I can't be needed with the challenging students because 1 and 2 aren't able to handle them yet, but also needed with the rest of the students because 1 and 2 don't know what to do with so many kids. This is impossible, isn't it? This is ridiculous.

So I talk to the manager. She is very meek - clearly expected something like this. But she doesn't have anything to say. It's not in her power to make the experienced co-teachers we desperately need appear. It is the company's fault for continuing to enroll students even while we're understaffed :) and the majority of our staff now is very inexperienced :) :)

So she can't reassure me that this won't keep happening. (BTW, it's not the first time I had this coworker situation in the classroom - just more my breaking point.) She asks i I want her to talk to my co-teachers. I definitely don't. 2 only started last week - imagine getting a talk from the manager after only one week of work, while barely out of training, even a "nice" talk. 2 is a hard worker and I have no doubt she'll be great when she has some experience, but it's not going to happen fast, let alone in one week. And 1 has been here since June, but it's still her first year, her first job with kids, and she's barely 20. She's also trying super hard. I have no complaints about either of these coworkers that don't amount to they're just not ready for the level of responsibility they inevitably have when there are no more experienced teachers around. (Or only me, I should say.)

I did talk to 1 just to see how she was doing. She is a very upbeat person. I was nervous she would feel I was criticizing her, which is the opposite of what I want, but she was honest about her struggles with A and listened to my advice about letting him take the lead as long as he not dangerous. I also talked to her about letting TE sit in the chair so long and why it's not good for little kids. She was lovely the whole time. She's a very refreshing change from sensitive coteachers who treat every bit of not overtly positive feedback as a personal attack.

I'd like to say that's the end of my crazy day but guess what there's mooooore!!

PART TWO UNDERSTAFFING STUCKS

So like I've talked about endlessly, we've been understaffed all year. Our schedule was created under the assumption that 12 full time teachers would be at the school the majority of the time. The reality of this year, however, is that during our busiest time of day, from 4:00, we have like. Five.

My cluster of classes is particularly affected. I am the ONLY full time teacher there every day. One teacher always leaves at 4, two teachers are sometimes there with me but twice a week go home at 4:30 and may be off duty at 4:00, and one teacher is there till 4:30 but only three times a week. Since November we also got a bunch of part-timers who come in the afternoons. As nice as it is to have their help, they are a big part of the problem: the kids don't know them and they don't know the kids. They tend to sit in silence while the kids play and do very little to stop their misbehavior.

They also can't hand out snack because of allergy concerns. That is the reason why, since the beginning of the year, I have been on snack duty almost every day. As 1 got more accustomed to working here, she now helps with that, and another coworker from another class is there regularly now as well. But because I'm the only one guaranteed to stay at least until 5, it's still usually me. This duty is exhausting because kids are messy and there's a lot to do, and it's been an entire day so your body is ready to give out lol.

But the problem now is less that I'm tired while on snack duty and more that on days when the other teachers are gone from 4:30, I have to do ALL the duties to some extent. Today, for example. 1 left at 4:30. I was the only full-timer. One of the other teachers there is a sub, but one who is usually at our school four days a week. She's been with us all year and does know the kids. It's usually fine to have her in the room, except that she is a very quiet person and not very active. She listens to direction but doesn't necessarily notice things on her own. This wasn't fine today because the other two teachers were both brand new part-timers who don't know the kids.

All three of them were just. Sitting on the floor. Watching the kids play. Changing some diapers and struggling with the fussy kids because they don't know how to handle them. So who handled those kids? I did. I go over and voila, the kid who has been refusing to change her diaper for ten minutes suddenly is changed! Magic.

And the kids playing on the floor: they're gonna fight over toys, right. So who is going to mediate? Not the teachers SITTING RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR WITH THEM. Nope. Fizz is gonna have to put the vacuum down, pick my way through the kids with my gloved hands, and negotiate sharing of toys, then go back and continue to clean. And repeat over and over. When do I get to sit on the floor?? Lol.

It was a particularly messy snack (we all hate it) today, and usually the cleaning teacher can clean the silverware in the staff room. But because of the... uh... teacher situation, I didn't feel comfortable being out of the room even that long. So I stayed after I clocked out to clean it.

I also managed to take A to the toilet a second time!!! This is huge because he has so far refused to go to the toilet no matter what after nap, and I hated that he was just holding it in. He definitely has to pee after nap but just won't go. But I talked to him for a while, and suddenly he told me he would go if I carried "all" his toys. He enjoyed listening to me count them as he piled all nine of them x'D into my arms. Any other kid I wouldn't allow to do this, but A needs to feel like he's the leader and making his own choices. It's not dangerous, and it's getting him to go to the toilet happily for the first time ever. Which he did. He was an angel in the bathroom. I could have cried for the nth time today, but happy tears this time. I'm really proud of him.

Finally we reach the end of my day. It took an hour to type this out how I wanted it. But I'm glad, because I want to remember as many details as I can about what today is like. I had trouble figuring out what the core of the struggles today were. I tend to blame myself. Especially as the most experienced teacher, I felt everything that went wrong as a reflection of my lack of ability. But, while maybe it's difficult to say for certain about myself, after typing this I gotta admit I don't think I made bad decisions. I think I did the best that I could with what I was given. When I talked to the manager, I said "If I could do today over, I would skip brushing teeth time," because that is something we are allowed to skip if it's truly necessary - but then I realized that actually, the situation would have occurred anyway, because the kids still need to go to the toilet. They're potty training, they need to go the toilet no matter what. There's just no way I and my students could be in the classroom all day without ever leaving.

So on looking back I feel I really was put into a ridiculous situation, and have been all year long. I sometimes get so frustrated and feel like I'm an emotional wreck for getting frustrated easily. Then, when I really stop and think about the year as a whole, I wonder why I'm not MORE frustrated. I wonder why other teachers aren't more frustrated too. Or if they are and just quiet about it. It's just so ridiculous that all these problems would have been avoided by JUST STAFFING THE SCHOOL ADEQUATELY FROM THE START OF THE YEAR OMFGGGG

You'd think nearly every teacher quitting in a single year would signal something, but heads are turned the other way so convincingly that even I, who was there suffering with them, and am here suffering now too, start to think I'm the one who's perspective is skewed.

One final thought: part of the reason it's hard to talk about it at work when things are difficult for me is because another class has had an even rockier year. They went through THREE main teachers. Two quit. The third is a sub who didn't want to be a main teacher but was forced into it. At least she's still here. (And annoyed that she was refused the option of going back to subbing next year.) One of her part-time coworkers quit suddenly in January. The other part-time coworker is a sub (the quiet one I mentioned above). One full-time coworker only joined us in like September. She's good, good enough we often forget she's so new. But she IS new and that's just gonna be rough sometimes, no getting around it.

Also this class keeps getting given new students????????? I am SO confused why that is. The other comparable class has gotten a couple new kids, but it's like 2 kids to 5, AND that rocky class also has THREE kids who are technically "baby" age still. We used to have a required 1:3 ratio for that age of kids - used to until this year when the company needed to get more tuition money while paying fewer teachers 9_9 That age is hard AF. Also one of the new kids throws up. Like. Constantly.

#work #fizz's life #a novel

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