#literally a dude ive never thought about unless forced to and now ??? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dwellordream · 3 years

Text

“…Now, if people are taught anything at all about medieval history it often is English medieval history. People with absolutely no other frame of reference can often tell you when the Norman Conquest of England took place, or the date of the signing of Magna Carta even if they don’t know exactly why these things are important. (TBH Magna Carta isn’t important unless you were a very rich dude at the time, sooooo.) If you ask people to name a medieval book they’ll probably say Beowulf even if they’ve never read it.

Here’s the thing though – England was a total backwater in terms of the way medieval people thought and was not particularly important at the time. How much of a backwater? Well, when Anne of Bohemia, daughter of my man Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV (RIP, mate. Mourn ya til I join ya.) married King Richard II of England in the fourteenth century there was uproar in Prague. How could a Bohemian imperial princess be sent to London? How would she survive in the hinterlands? The answer was she was sent along with an entire cadre of Bohemian ladies in waiting to give her people with whom she could have a sophisticated conversation.

This ended up completely changing fashion in England. Anne is the girl who introduced those sweet horned headdresses you think of when you think of medieval ladies, riding side-saddle, and the word “coach” to England, (from the Hungairan Kocs, where the cart she arrived at court the first time came from). Sweetening her transition to English life was the fact that she didn’t have to pay a dowry to get married. Instead, the English were allowed to trade freely with Bohemia and the Holy Roman Empire and allowed to be around a Czech lady. That was reward enough as far as the Empire was concerned. That’s how much England was not a thing. (The English took this insult very badly, and hated Anne at first, but since she was a G they got over it. Don’t worry.)

If England was unimportant why do we know about English medieval history and nothing else? Same reason you’re reading this blog in English right now, homes. I’m not sure if you know this, but in the modern period, the English got super super good at going around the world an enslaving anyone they met. When you’re busy not thinking about German imperial atrocities in the nineteenth century it’s because you’re busy thinking about British imperial atrocities, you feel me? So we all speak English now and if we harken back to historical things it gives us a grandiose idea of English history.

Say, then, you are trying to establish a curriculum for schools that bigs up English history, as is our want. Ask yourself – are you gonna want to dwell on an era where England was so unimportant that Czechs were flexing on it? Answer: no. You gonna gloss right over that and skip to the early modern era and the Tudors who I am absolutely sure you know all the fuck about. The second colonial-imperialist reason for not learning about medieval history is that medieval history doesn’t exactly aggrandise the colonial-imperialist system.

Yes, there are empires in medieval Europe. In addition to the Holy Roman Empire there’s the Eastern Roman Empire, aka the Byzantine Empire, whose downfall is often pointed to as one of several possible bookends to the medieval period. You also have opportunists like the Venetians who set up colonies around the Adriatic and Mediterranean, or the Normans who defo jump in boats and take over, well, anything they could get their hands on.

Notably, when these dudes got where they were going, they didn’t end up enslaving a bunch of people, committing genocide, and then funnelling all resources back to a theoretical homeland. The Normans settled down where they were eventually creating distinctive court cultures, and the Venetian colonies enjoyed a seriously high level of trade and quality of life without major disruption to local customs. Force was certainly used to take over at the outset, but it wasn’t something that resulted in the complete subjugation and deaths of millions halfway around the world from where the aggressors started.

No, the European middle ages are a lot more about local areas muddling along with smaller systems of rule. That’s why you have distinctive areas like say, Burgundy or Sicily calling their own shots and developing their own styles and fashions. Hell, even within imperial systems like the Holy Roman Empire Bavarians or Bohemians saw themselves as very much distinct peoples within an imperial system, not necessarily imperial subjects first and foremost.

You know where you would go to find some history that justifies huge imperial systems that require constant conquest and an army of slaves to keep them afloat? Ancient Rome. Remember how you got taught how great Rome was? How it was a democracy? How they had wonderful technology and underfloor heating, and oh isn’t that temple beautiful? Yeah, that’s because you were being inculcated to think that the ends of imperial violence justifies mass enslavement and disenfranchisement.

In reality, Rome wasn’t some sort of grand free democracy. Only a tiny percentage of Romans could actually vote. Women of any station certainly could not, and even men who were lucky enough to be free weren’t necessarily Roman citizens. Freedom here is particularly important because by the 1 century BCE 35 – 40% of the population of the Italian peninsula were slaves. Woo yeah democracy. I love it. And that’s not even taking into account all those times when an Emperor would suspend voting altogether.

Those slaves were busy building all the grand buildings your high school history teacher was dry jacking it about, stuffing the dormice that the rich people were reclining to eat, and basically keeping the joint running. Those slaves also necessitated the ridiculously huge army that Rome kept going because you had to get slaves from somewhere after all, so warfare had to be continuous. How uplifting.

Eagle-eyed readers will notice that this Roman nonsense is pretty much exactly what was going on during the modern colonial imperial age. You can say whatever the fuck you want about how free and revolutionary America was, for example. That doesn’t change the fact that only a handful of white property owning men could vote, and that the entire project required the mass enslavement of Africans and the genocide of Native Americans. That’s why you’ve been taught Rome is great. It helps you sleep well at night on stolen land because, really, haven’t all great societies done this? I mean without a forever war against anyone you can find, how will you keep a society going?

Our imperialist ideas about history lead to some weird historical takes. People love to tell you that no one bathed in the medieval period when medieval people had pretty much exactly the same sort of bathing culture as Romans. People laugh at medieval people believing in medical humoral theory despite the fact that Romans believed exactly the same thing and get a total pass on that front. The Roman ban on dissection is often taught as a medieval ban, shifting Roman superstition onto the shoulders of medieval people.

On-going Roman warfare is reported in glowing terms with emphasis on the “brilliance” of Roman military technique, while inter-kingdom warfare in the medieval period is portrayed as barbaric and ignorant. The Roman people who were encouraged to worship emperors as literal gods are used as an example of theoretical religion-free logical thinking, while medieval Christians are cast as ignorant for believing in God even when they are studiously working on the same philosophical queries as their predecessors. None of this makes any fucking sense.

But here’s the thing – it doesn’t need to. In a colonial imperialist society we have positioned Rome as a guiding light no matter what it’s actual practices and that’s not a mistake. It’s a design that helps to justify our own society. Further, this mindset requires us to castigate the medieval period when rule was more localised and systems of slavery had taken a precipitous dive. If only there had been more slavery, you know? Things might have been so much better.

Historical narratives and who controls them are always in flux. That old adage “history is written by the winners” comes to mind here, but that’s not exactly true. What the winners do is decide which histories are promoted, taught, and broadcasted. You can write all the history you want and if no one reads it, then it doesn’t really matter. That’s the gap that medieval history has fallen into. Colonial imperialism hasn’t figured out how to weaponise it yet, so it’s ignored. You could write this off as a “so what”, of course. Sure, maybe teaching the Roman Empire as a goal is a negative, but is ignoring medieval history really that bad a thing? You will be unsurprised to learn that I definitely think it is a bad thing, yes.

Ignorance about the medieval period is one of the things that is allowing the current swelling ranks of fascists to claim medieval Europe as some sort of “pure” white ideal. Spoiler: it was not. However, if you don’t know anything about medieval society how are you gonna argue with some chinless douche with a fake viking rune tattoo?History is always political. We use it to understand our world, but more than that we also use it to justify our world. Ignoring it helps us prop up our worst impulses, so let’s not.”

- Eleanor Janega, “On colonialism, imperialism, and ignoring medieval history.”

#colonialism #imperialism #history #medieval #eleanor janega

48 notes · View notes

davidmann95 · 5 years

Text

Your power is mine: thoughts on Kingdom Hearts’ newest, oddest character

Finished Final Fantasy XV over the weekend. Mixed feelings to say the least, but it does give me an excuse to talk about Kingdom Hearts again, specifically this weirdo:

And how it feels like most of the people discussing Yozora and trying to figure out what his deal is are missing half the point. Yes, there’s the apparent connections to Sora and Riku, and there’s his meta association with Noctis and the entire real-life corporate backstory there intertwining with the in-game narrative to an unknown extent. But when he’s discussed as some kind of fusion of Sora and Riku, or a literal reincarnation of Noctis, or that Verum Rex might end up a real game, or something similarly straightforward in terms of “he’s going to be a very important central character going forward”, the ideas or at least the tone of how they’re presented seem to miss an absolutely critical component of how he was introduced to us, in a way that shapes not only him but by extension the entire future of the franchise and its thematic concerns:

We aren’t just supposed to be surprised he’s important because he’s real where we thought he wasn’t. We’re supposed to be surprised because he’s introduced to us as a self-evident gag character.

Not that we’re not supposed to take him seriously where it counts: it’s clear he has an important role going forward and is a force to be reckoned with. But no matter what deep, foreboding connections to the Keyblade and Master of Masters may lie within his backstory that may determine the fate of more universes than one, he will never not have had the hilariously inauspicious beginning of being a toy played by Rex the Dinosaur. He doesn’t even have the dignity of being introduced as a game on one of the plot-heavy original worlds! He’s a throwaway gimmick to spice up one of the filler Disney segments, literally a child’s plaything.

Even before we learn the context he’s being presented in...well, look at him. He’s like Riku, who’s cooler than Sora, and Noctis, a Final Fantasy character and therefore cooler than all this Disney stuff, but also he has a LASER SWORD and a CROSSBOW - that are clearly functioning as cool future tech instead of dopey magical powers - and his eyes are MYSTERIOUS MISMATCHING UNNATURAL COLORS and he fights GIANT ROBOTS with a dude in a fedora in a city straight out of the REAL WORLD to save a helpless lady/prize: truly, let no mistake be made, he is VERY, VERY SERIOUS INDEED, AND ALSO, RAD. TO THE MAX. He’s every attempt at reframing contemporary Final Fantasy as slick and modern and cool dialed up and up and up until the tone breaks, without the barest hint of self-awareness even as it advertises its action figure tie-ins. I don’t think that his little Keyblade pattern on his jacket being near-impossible to spot unless you’re looking for it is just to preserve the surprise, but also because the sight of the big keys with the Mickey Mouse logo on them would be anathema to his entire vibe, so important as it may be it must be squirreled away where it can’t make him look dumb. Heck, when Dylan Spouse announced on Twitter he was playing this major character in a childhood favorite franchise of his, surely knowing more than we do about Yozora, his description of the part was “I have lived out my edgy JRPG character fantasies...I even got to say ‘Sorry, but I don’t lose.’” We’re supposed to receive him off the bat as Square Enix, and more specifically Tetsuya Nomura, poking fun at themselves, going ‘yes, we suppose this is all getting to be a bit much, isn’t it?’

And then he enters the story for real.

Obviously he’s much more than a joke now, but the idea of him as something off, something that doesn’t fit in these games, endures. His episode isn’t just in a modern cityscape but skinned in the graphics of the grittier, more detailed style of the Pirates of the Caribbean world meant to evoke photorealism rather than the look of the rest of the game. He interferes with the gameplay in ways no other enemy does, stealing your items and weapons (we’ll get back to that). When he casts you into a void to be attacked by the mechs, it’s not a pure empty white but a mass of abstract polygonal space, evocative of the visuals of early game development. What details we do get of his backstory frame him as a counterpart to Sora on a parallel journey all his own, but the associations with his other source material in Noctis are considerably more...cutting. Credit to @kitsoa, whose own extensive musings on Kingdom Hearts’ increasingly overt metafictional concerns brought to my attention the obvious parallel: that Yozora being changed ‘beyond recognition’ with his heart replaced by another’s is a reasonable, albeit scathing description of Noctis’s revised character in the shift from the Nomura-helmed Final Fantasy Versus XIII to the largely overhauled Final Fantasy XV (and by the same token, the Nameless Star’s identity being stolen comes across as a shot at Versus XIII’s Stella Nox Fleuret being entirely replaced by Lady Lunafreya. Who, by sheer coincidence, would have been corrupted in planned but cancelled DLC into a monster of darkness).

While the comparisons to his source material are not only intentional but textually overt - his introduction as a real boy is literally scored to the FFXV theme music - so is the distancing from that material, given that if Nomura simply wanted to use Noctis the very premise of Kingdom Hearts as a series could have allowed him to use Noctis, and even change him to fit his original vision however he wished given the design and backstory changes to the other Final Fantasy characters involved. Yozora has a distinct role in which he’s still meant to represent that tone and aesthetic, and all signs point to that being because as that representation, he hardly seems an endorsement. He’s a parody, offered up in a demeaning context and tangled up narratively in real-life creative bitterness before being placed as an antagonist, however well-meaning (though keep in mind every secret boss of his kind before - other than Julius, I suppose - went on to become an endgame boss later on), in the player’s path. He may not be a villain, but all signs seem to indicate he’s a figure to be regarded as a contrast to the heroes.

And it’s in that role as a contrast that I have my own theories about what his deal ultimately is, thematically if not plotwise.

For those who saw this in the Kingdom Hearts tag and aren’t superhero fans, that’s Superdoomsday, introduced in Grant Morrison’s run on Action Comics about 8 years ago. One among many takes on an ‘evil Superman’ from a parallel universe, the twist with his world is that rather than a survivor of Krypton, he is literally the materialized concept of Superman - imagined by his reality’s Clark Kent, Lois Lane, and Jimmy Olsen, who created a machine which could bring ideas to life - that when sold to a corporation was reimagined in service of wide public appeal into an all-powerful, uncompromisingly brutal monstrosity clad in armor somewhere between an iPhone, 90s Rob Liefeld battle gear, and Nazi regalia, who ultimately journeyed into the multiverse to stalk and kill other incarnations of Superman, seeing them as competition to his domination of the ‘market’. “The curse...of Superman...” murmurs the dying Kent of that world, “...he becomes anything you want...him...to be...our world...wanted that...”

Yozora is...probably not exactly a 1:1 to that. But as a counterpart to Sora, it absolutely seems as if the main factor by which he contrasts him is that he’s ostensibly the sleeker, edgier model, new-and-improved. He reworks Sora’s story arc and aesthetic into something theoretically cooler and more palatable, steals his power, ‘saves’ him by sealing him away to presumably fight in his stead and thereby take his place as the lead. He is the protagonist so many feel Kingdom Hearts has needed for years, the somber AMV-ready Secret Movie tone and aesthetic stepping into center stage at last rather than maintaining a sunshiney Disney-esque child hero lead to anchor the assorted conspiracies and horrors of much of the rest of the tale. The manner in which he is presented as to make metatextuality an in-universe concern (to call back to Grant Morrison again, his next work after Action Comics was Multiversity, where a major plot point was that the events of parallel universes were unwittingly documented in each others’ pop culture; in that case comic books, in here video games) for Kingdom Hearts to explore in the next main entry is I believe so as to ask what, in fact, Kingdom Hearts as a series should be; is it a Disney series with some incidental Final Fantasy stuff in it? A Final Fantasy spinoff with some Disney elements cluttering it up that should maybe be discarded as it grows up? Something all its own? Is it time for Kingdom Hearts to get Serious? Even if the Kingdom Hearts as imagined by a marketing executive vision of Verum Rex isn’t what’s next, what is, as things get darker and that vision is now part of the narrative whether for good or ill?

So yeah it looks like Kingdom Hearts IV is Kingdom Hearts vs. its own Gritty Realworld! Urban Fantasy AU fanfiction for the soul of the series, and I am extremely here for it.

#Yozora #Kingdom Hearts #Sora #Final Fantasy XV #Final Fantasy Versus XIII #Final Fantasy #Kingdom Hearts IV #Grant Morrison #Analysis #Opinion

48 notes · View notes

reylorabbittrail · 5 years

Text

Long, Barely Coherent Thoughts about The Rise of Skywalker

Since some of you wanted to hear my thoughts about “The Rise of Skywalker”, I’ve taken some time to write them up and provide context for why I responded the way I did.

A small preamble: I didn’t hate it. Hate is a strong word. And there were moments that I liked. Some that I even loved. However, the aggregate feeling for the movie overall was disappointment. For certain elements, it went beyond that into something genuinely painful and I don’t think that will make sense unless I also go into why I loved the previous two installments of this trilogy.

Also, if you loved this movie, I’m very happy for you. This is about my personal response to a piece of media and I make no judgements on those who enjoyed what you saw. I wish I could join you.

Finally, I will be talking about some sensitive subjects, including child loss and abuse. Please be aware of that before reading further.

Okay, so what was my overall impression of The Rise of Skywalker?

Soulless. Cowardly. Incoherent. Badly paced.

I spent large portions of the movie unable to get into the action because the pacing was so breakneck. There was no time to breathe. Consequently, there was never enough time to recover from one rush before another started. If everything is exciting, nothing is.

I think that this was a deliberate choice to cover up the lack of sense behind the exposition. Oscar Isaac’s Poe Dameron looks dead inside as he temporarily takes up the mantle of Basil Exposition to explain that somehow or other, Emperor Palpatine has returned and there’s a hard time limit on destroying his fleet.

This is a fine example of a running problem throughout the movie. Whereas both The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi used visual storytelling to move the story forward, things in TROS were explained through dialogue time and again. And the dialogue was incredibly clunky.

But back to the story. We are given a paper thin explanation of the Emperor’s return, and immediately are thrown into a fetch quest to find the Big Bad. I’m sure it will make an exciting video game adaptation.

The thing though is that the fetch quest makes no sense. One of the wayfinders is found in the first two minutes of the movie. Yes, it’s in the hands of the bad guys. But does the audience not remember that our heroine is bound to the villain? Why couldn’t she try to use that bond to get at the directions? Why does the Resistance not try to use that bond? Has she hidden from them her connection to Kylo Ren? Either she’s built up a wall of mistrust between her found family and herself by keeping the bond a secret, or she’s revealed all and no one thinks to try to use that bond to their advantage. It’s just conveniently overlooked.

Oh, a sidenote. Wayfinder. Why? There is an in-universe word for such objects already. It’s a holocron. Why not use holocron? We throw Star Wars-isms at the audience all the time. It would be an Easter Egg to the diehards while not bothering the general audience one iota.

Back to our fetch quest. We head to the desert planet of Pasaana. There’s a festival going on. A festival about family. Rey looks longingly at children and infants. A child gives her a fertility necklace. And then suddenly she’s connected by her bondmate through the force.

Now it’s no secret that the Rey and Kylo dynamic is one of the reasons I loved the first two movies in the trilogy. The actors have great chemistry. More importantly, the characters have interesting conflict. And yet that conflict seems off in this movie. TLJ left them complicated enemies. But they feel out of character. I don’t understand what each is trying to get out of their encounters. I have to do massive amounts of work to understand their actions and the dialogue doesn’t help. Because it doesn’t ring true.

Setting such details aside, Kylo rips off the necklace in a moment worthy of the Phantom of the Opera and for once it’s an action that makes sense, having both the subtext of obsessive love and jealousy, and the text of offering a clue for analysis to Rey’s location. Bravo. The writers did something right.

Meanwhile, we get a clunky reintroduction of Lando Calrissian. Has he been stuck on this desert for over 7 years? Longer? We just don’t know and he doesn’t tell us. Our heroes hitch a ride and then we get a fun speeder chase.

Okay, a couple more questions. There’s some good stuff here. The omnipresence of the First Order helps convey how thorough their control is. But why doesn’t Rey hotwire the speeder? It was established two movies ago that she’s a good mechanic. And on Jakku that kind of skill makes sense. Why hand that off to Poe? And why this Trio stuff. It’s fanon. We have just been assuming that Finn’s best friends would form the new Han, Luke, and Leia. Because reasons. None of them textual. It was a failure of TFA to not establish this dynamic if this was an essential element of Star Wars that had to be there from the start.

Which gets to the heart the problem in fandom which is that Star Wars is different for every fan. What is essential to the series is subjective. For me, Star Wars is light sabers, hyperspace, the Force, epic battles, strange world with one biome only per world. So I’ve never felt like something was missing. But if an essential element was a very particular character dynamic (like a good guy Trio), then I can see why some fans felt let down. As if all the pieces were there but never got put together.

Back to Pasaana. We have a brief descent into the underworld in which Rey has a moment of true Jedi compassion and is rewarded when her compassion for the monster leads to an exit from said underworld. Nice. Mythically coherent. And hey, we also get one of the MacGuffins we’ve been searching for, so, bonus.

Now we get the arrival of Kylo and his backup band. What was the point of these dudes? I mean, they look cool and I can’t wait to edit videos of them to classic NKOTB. But narratively, why are they there? Why did Kylo reforge the mask? Why all these questions in the third act when we should be in the process of tying up loose ends.

Rey, in a moment reminiscent of bull leaping from Crete, goes out to stall them? I guess? And then ends up in a battle of wills with Kylo that leads to her inadvertent use of Force Lightning.

Okay, another side trip. Are they trying to make out that Dark Side Powers are genetic? Because that’s all I can figure. Really, it’s kind of gross because it suggests that darkness isn’t a human trait that we all carry and must confront, but rather that Rey’s specific problem is a dark legacy. Which, that’s Kylo’s story. He’s the one grappling with the legacy of Vader and how that led his family to fear his darkness rather than aid him in confronting it.

Anyway, we have Rey briefly thinking she’s killed Chewie and that sets our heroes off to our next quest location and another set of problems: Why did we make the Latino man a drug runner and car thief? No, this isn’t just putting an unneeded real world spin on the universe. This is about narrative consistency. Because in a bid to make Poe Dameron an ersatz Han Solo, they broke his actual in-universe back story that had been established in comics and novels. That Poe Dameron was a pilot in the New Republic Navy, the child of war heroes Kes Dameron and Shara Bey. He grew up on Yavin IV. When did he have time to be a smuggler? He’s only a few years older that Ben Solo.

See Lucasfilm has a Story Group that is supposed to help keep narrative consistency between the various media released. And I can’t help shake the feeling that the Story Group was ignored or stonewalled. To please who? The fans? Which fans? Because I would be under the impression that the fans who read the novels and the comics, who dig the trivia aspects of the universe, would be the first to desire the universe to remain coherent.

The Kijimi stuff is fun. Babu Frik is adorable. C3PO is touching. There’s good moments. There really are.

We now go to the infiltration of the Star Destroyer (Does it have a name? Nerds, help me out here. Usually I know this sort of thing.) Again, good moments. I like the implication that Rey’s Force Powers disturb Poe, but it’s never brought up again. One of dozens of Chekhov’s guns left unfired. This is incredibly sloppy in the plotting. Hux is the mole!?! Fun. Yet, again, wasted. And out of character, but I’m sure that’s not going to bother the general audience. Rey gets caught sneaking around in Kylo’s bedroom? Priceless, and some good imagery (smashing the altar to Vader) combined with incredibly clunky dialogue and some more serious questions that never get answered.

The whole time Kylo thought Vader was talking to him it was Palpatine? Why the hell does he still have that mask on a pedestal? He just couldn’t bear to get rid of a collectible? He hadn’t had time to konmari yet? And just what does smashing the pedestal symbolize? Is this the start of Kylo breaking free? We’ll probably never know.

Rey escapes on the Falcon. After getting the worst character reveal in the Saga. I’m sorry. Rey Palapatine is just dumb. I liked that she was a nobody. It allowed her to be the Forces solution to the manipulation and abuse heaped upon the Skywalkers. She was brought into the story and bound to the last scion of House Skywalker as a corrective. She wasn’t overpowered. (No really. She executed a few very basic Jedi skills in the first two movies, none of them exceptional.) And her skill level makes sense the moment you understand that she is bound to Ben Solo. She is literally downloading his training. She can do what he can do. Even her fighting style mirrors his. Fun fact: if you watch the scene in The Last Jedi where she’s practicing sword forms on Ach-to, and compare them to Kylo in his duel with Luke, they’re identical. To a move. Rey is powerful because the Force chooses its vessels. No one was asking who Mace Windu’s parents were. Or Ki-Adi Mundi’s. But Rey is skilled because a very clear in universe device means she has access to Ben Solo’s mind and that included every skill he ever learned.

Alrighty, so now our team is on to the next step in the quest, the ocean moon of Kef Bir, one of the many moons in the Endor system. (No, it’s not the Forest or Sanctuary Moon with the Ewoks.) We meet Jannah, another wasted character. She is pretty and could have been cool. But she exists for us to realize that Finn is probably Force Sensitive and that he broke conditioning not due to innate morality but because he’s not a Muggle.

Which brings me to my gripe with how Finn’s character was treated. He spent the whole movie running around shouting Rey. That’s it. That’s his arc. I don’t mind that he can feel the Force. But I feel like his development was regressed. He had a clear character arc in the first two movies. From a man running away from responsibility to one willing to fight for a friend, to a man willing to commit to cause. This movie should have had him building on that, and perhaps like Moses returning to free the rest of the Stormtroopers who are canonically child soldiers brainwashed into fighting for the bad guys.

Back to the plot. Rey takes off for the Death Star, searches the haunted house and yet again has her moment in the cave, this time confronting a dark vision of herself. Dang that was cool. Would have liked to see more of that. Anyway, she confronts Kylo and he smashes the holocron. Emphasizing for us how pointless this fetch quest has been. Girl could have hopped a ride in his TIE at any point and dealt with the fallout after they dealt with the emperor.

They fight. It wasn’t a bad fight. Just not my favorite. It did emphasize though that Kylo is never ever fighting on the offensive with her. Never in three movies has he ever taken an advantage of an opening for a killing blow, and never was it more obvious than in this fight. Kylo gets distracted, Rey stabs him mortally, and this act seems to wake her up from whatever possessed her in the throne room. She heals him and runs away.

This brings up another thing that bothers me. I know the filmmakers were working with some severe challenges with their footage of Carrie. I don’t think it was badly used for the most part. But I was left baffled at what exactly was going on here.

I was not baffled at Kylo/Ben’s confrontation with Han. This was the high point of the movie for me. It was pitch perfect in tone, and touched on the one an only sin Ben ever committed that wasn’t connected to a war objective, the murder of his father. And it made clear that the prodigal was loved and wanted and it wasn’t too late to come home. The heart of Ben’s problem has been the conviction that he has done too much wrong to come home, and while it is only a memory, it is a true memory of the man who loved Ben enough to walk straight into Hell though he knew it would probably be the death of him. I can forgive this scene for throwing the lightsaber into the ocean. I realize that most of the audience doesn’t know that you can heal kyber crystals. Yes, the saber was a metaphor for Ben’s damaged and unstable soul, and yes, it would have been poetic (and badass) for him to show up later with a healed lightsaber, stable and blue and looking like something an angel would fight with. But I’ll forgive that for the poetry of what happens on Exegol.

And then we go to my low point. I’ll set my costumer’s beef with Luke Skywalker’s wig aside. It looked cheap and that’s all I’ll say. It was more the deliberate middle finger to TLJ in the lines while ignoring that Luke’s most iconic and Jedi-like moment in the original trilogy was casting aside his lightsaber in an act of compassion. Yes, Rey was burning her ship and throwing away her weapon for the wrong reason. And it was a deliberate echo of Luke who also was appalled when his fear was twisted by the Dark into an attack on his nephew. She is overcome with the same shame and fear of self. Luke can speak to this in a real way. With better dialogue, it might have worked for me. Alas, it didn’t. Instead we got more exposition to provide us with an extra lightsaber. And more questions about why everyone in this family gave up on Ben Solo.

Here’s the thing. If Leia remains untrained, lots of things make sense: her instinctive but infrequent use of the Force; her fear for her son and sense of inadequacy in dealing with he struggles with darkness, her unresolved issues with her father which lead her to hide her parentage not only from the galaxy but also from her own son. All of this is undone by the training reveal and makes us wonder why everyone was willing to help a descendent of Palpatine but not their own flesh and blood. And in a movie that used dialogue to explain nearly everything, these lacunae stand out more than they would in a film that trusted the audience more. See you could have had Luke say “We messed up. We gave in to fear. And we didn’t want to make the same mistake with you. Rey. I’m the son of Darth Vader. I know more than any man that we are more than our bloodline. And forgetting that with Ben was the worst mistake of my life.” But he didn’t. Which in a movie which tells as much as or more than it shows seems like a deliberate choice.

Have you noticed that I’m ignoring the space battles? That’s because they’re forgettable. I just didn’t care about them. Especially since the galactic conflict remained essentially unresolved. Back to the Force Plot, the only plot that matters.

Rey confronts Palpatine. Yawn. At this point I just don’t care. For most of the movie, she hasn’t seemed like my Rey. I couldn’t relate and by this point I’ve lost interest so I’m more wondering where did all these people come from. Are there concessions? How much does a hot dog and Coke cost on Exegol? Does this stadium have bathrooms? Nice to see that it’s built like the AT&T one down the street with the sliding roof panels. And then my boy Ben Solo arrives and the film is good again. Without a word of dialogue (besides “ow”) Adam Driver delivers the best performance of the movie, showing that the Han Solo of the trilogy was there the whole time in his son. Was there ever a more Han Solo thing than running into a Dark Side temple in your pajamas, armed only with a blaster? And then Rey passes him Anakin’s saber. OMG. Brilliance. The best part of the movie. For a moment I thought that they would at least wrap it up well. And for a moment they’re side by side and all is right in the world. And then Palpatine throws Ben in a pit.

I hate this. I don’t hate this movie but I hate this moment. For three movies we’ve set up that Rey and Ben (He’s Ben now; don’t’ @ me.) are equals in the Force. They have a Yin/Yang dynamic that made this work. The natural conclusion here should have been that they take out Palpatine together. Because both have a beef with him. This is the man responsible for ruining the lives of four generations of Skywalkers. And while Ben is at the bottom of a pit, Rey stands alone, calling on the Jedi to help her.

The Jedi that are ignoring the Skywalker at the bottom of the pit.

Including Ben’s grandfather that he’s been begging for years to help him.

Including his uncle who promised to always be with him. (We were robbed of Ghost Luke trolling Kylo. Robbed I tell you. Mark Hamill would have nailed that.)

Ben is at the bottom of a pit being ignored while the Jedi transform Rey into their sacrificial lamb for Girl Power points.

So, yeah, I hated how Rey defeated Palpatine. It was wrong. It wasn’t in union with her bondmate. It wasn’t through the power of love and compassion. It was Space Wonder Woman meets Harry Potter. And then she dies. Because the Jedi only ever viewed people as tools in their grand battle with the Sith.

But Ben. Oh, Ben loves Rey for who she is. And he climbs out of the pit without a lick of help from anyone and cradles her lifeless form in the most heartbreaking Pieta, and you can see on his face the moment he make his decision and gives everything of himself to bring her back. It was beautiful, and they share the most pure, the most perfect kiss.

And then he dies.

And that’s where the movie breaks me. Because he didn’t have to die. It doesn’t make sense. Why does Leia hold on until this moment? Why does Maz seem satisfied? Where did Ben go? Why does he go unmourned? Where is his Force ghost? This movie just leaves us with more questions.

And the very end kills me. Rey is on Tatooine. A dead world that holds no importance to her (or Leia, I might add). She buries the Skywalker sabers. A funeral. She sees the ghosts of Luke and Leia bless her as she takes on the Skywalker name. A name that she could have taken in a life-affirming way through marriage, but that appears as scavenged from the dead that she has surrounded herself with as she ends the movie an eternal child, side by side with a stolen droid.

It makes no sense.

But whence my nerd rage? Why do I care? Why have I devoted over 3K words to this?

Because the first two movies in this trilogy made me care about these characters.

When I first saw The Force Awakens, I connected immediately with her loneliness. Loneliness is something I get viscerally. I have always been socially awkward and had difficulty making friends. I rarely felt known or understood and I understood that deep longing to belong. When Rey was being interrogated by Kylo Ren, that was what struck me. He notices her loneliness.

And you realize that Kylo is projecting. That he is seeing in her a kindred spirit. He too is lonely, and trapped by fear into being stuck in a place that he knows in his heart of hearts is a dead world. He too is trapped by relics of the past.

So, you see, Rey and Kylo were both me. I had lived that loneliness. I had experienced profound isolation and the sense that no one truly understood me. I desperately wanted them to find their belonging and heal their wounds. And that’s certainly the story that TLJ picked up on and continued.

But there was more. I became fascinated with the question of how the son of Han and Leia fell, and I could see the possibilities in the pattern of their characters: Leia, the woman driven by duty, trying to build the New Republic to make a better galaxy for her son, and leaving her son vulnerable to predation in the process; Han, a man who had only just stopped running from responsibility, and who’s own lack of father figures left him feeling inadequate as a father. Throw in a villain who can groom and psychically abuse their son and you have the ingredients for a tragedy.

And because I identified with Leia, Ben became, in a way, an additional child. A parent’s greatest fear is that in trying to do the right thing for your child you inadvertently make things worse. Poor Leia. She needed a mother to tell her child mattered more than a bill in the Senate. That the galaxy could wait. But Palpatine killed her mother. Both her mothers, because he was as complicit in the death of Breha Organa as he was in the death of Padme Amidala Naberrie.

So when Ben Solo died, it was like losing a child. And anyone who knows me personally knows that I do not choose that phrasing lightly. And being a mother, there is always a sense of survivor’s guilt. The sense that if you had done the right thing, it wouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t matter if that isn’t the truth. It’s how it feels.

I have met so many people online who identify with Ben Solo because they were abused as children. Who like him processed their trauma in unhealthy ways. It’s not where I come from, but I have the capacity to empathize and hear the message they’re inadvertently being told: that if you do bad things because you’ve been groomed and manipulated and brainwashed, you can’t come back. Even if you turn your life around, it won’t matter. You’ll only find peace in death and you will die unremembered as punishment for your sins. And your family will replace you with someone nicer and easier to live with.

But I can hear you saying: It’s not that deep. It’s fake and in space. It’s just a story.

Well, here’s the problem:

1) The brain does not distinguish real people from fictional characters. The part of the brain that produces serotonin and dopamine can’t distinguish fact from fiction. This is actually why art has the power to heal. The catharsis experienced in a work of art can help us process trauma because we relate to the characters in the story. But the flip side is that stories can cause genuine trauma. If we related to characters in a story and they are treated unjustly, we feel that injustice and it hurts as badly as if it were real.

2) Ben Solo was written to be sympathetic. He is the child of beloved characters. His backstory is one filled with pain. He was failed by every family member who should have protected him. He was abused physically and mentally for years. Recently published materials exonerate him from the destruction of the Jedi temple. It was all part of a plot to push him to the Dark. All Ben ever wanted was to be loved for who he was. And that was snatched away from him.

3) I can’t turn off my brain. I can’t stop asking questions and trying to make sense of things. I can help but see the Chekhov’s guns and the symbols and the messages, however inadvertent.

4) It is a grand failure of a movie if it only works on a surface level and not when you start digging deeper. Every other Star Wars movie, including The Phantom Menace, rewards the person who can’t turn off their brain. This was the first one that falls apart so completely the second you start asking questions.

I wish I could like this movie. I was prepared to like it if not love it. And while I got Ben’s redemption and the Rey and Kylo romance that I wanted, I feel like I got nothing. Like they don’t matter at all.

I am planning to start new hobbies in the new year. I got some war gaming miniatures painting sets for Christmas and I’m glad I have a new special interest to pour myself into. I have enjoyed sharing my love of Star Wars trivia with my kids but it just hurts too much at the moment to spend time thinking about a franchise that has been so badly mangled. I’m probably in the bargaining stage of grief at the moment. I wholly buy the theory that there was happy ending filmed and someone blinked in the game of chicken, leaving us the mess that we were handed.

I’m also planning to get back to writing. If even Disney can’t tell a fairy tale properly anymore, it’s time for a new batch of writers to get out there and tell the stories I want to hear. I am sick of grimdark fantasies and cynicism masquerading as sophistication. I may write a fanfic or two to fix the story in my mind, but I think that ultimately I need to be creating original works. I know that there are children eager to believe in happy endings, plenty of women who believe that Byronic heroes can be redeemed, and not a few men who will buy both if the story is well told.

#tros spoilers #negativity #cw:child loss #cw: abuse

45 notes · View notes

marcazoshop · 4 years

Text

I Am A Simple Woman Dog Paw Flip-Flop Wine Trucker T-Shirt

This photo is from way back in ’98 at my first headline nyc show at tramp’s before the start of this very wild ride with the slim shady lp with jimmy and dr dre definitely a I Am A Simple Woman Dog Paw Flip-Flop Wine Trucker T-Shirt special time I looked back on after watching the premiere of thedefiantones in la the series starts on hbo tomorrow night also be on the lookout for this limited merch to celebrate the premiere. ️ ️ ️ ️ ️ no one has to know your age unless you want to share says fan linda about her eye lift pro experience what else gives you a lift our vote goes to chocolate chip cookies comment below your avon representative is ready to come 2therescue with your eye lift pro. Playing the super bowl last year was indescribable it changed my life so excited to see what justin s going to do I know it will be amazing sb52 superbowl superbowl52

Source: I Am A Simple Woman Dog Paw Flip-Flop Wine Trucker T-Shirt

I Am A Simple Woman Dog Paw Flip-Flop Wine Trucker T-Shirt, Hoodie, Sweater, Longsleeve T-Shirt For Men and Women

I Am A Simple Woman Dog Paw Flip-Flop Wine Trucker T-Shirt

See more: Craft O Lotl Origami T-Shirt

Premium Trending This Summer Season will Presents Who Love:

Today in 2000 the I Am A Simple Woman Dog Paw Flip-Flop Wine Trucker T-Shirt it s gonna be me video made its world premiere on total request live with 28 days at no 1 it was the summer s most requested video. Limited edition and fresh picked for spring meet the newest honest diaper collection available now exclusively for subscribers update your bundle or get started here. So this is going to be a bit long but bear with me I had what I believe to be a pointless and incredibly frustrating experience with the assistant manager jamie at your auburn hills great lakes crossing location today I have been coming here for three years I frequent your orlando san marcos and new jersey locations as well at least once a year when we stop we usually spend 5 to 10 thousand dollars on your products the system is simple I go in park in a corner and bring bins to my corner sort them bag them move them to the front register and repeat today I brought a personal duffel bag as it holds about 8 to 12 of your bags worth of stuff I get told that i’m not allowed to use it because it’s policy not a big deal at all I say okay i’ll do that for the rest rather than rebag all of this i’ll just go up in line and pay for it and it can sit behind the counter seems pretty reasonable to me nope I got obstructed suggested that I might be stealing something and not allowed to pass stating if I don’t want to follow the system I can leave he then takes my entire duffel dumps it onto the floor and then rebags it into victoria secret bags then moves it to the front counter so it can be rang in I thought this was a little odd but hey he was doing all the work rebagging it so whatever i’m like dude i’m going to be spending about 8k today all I want to do is come in spend some money get out without any drama what’s the problem whoevers in charge should be thrilled with a sale like this we’re spending 8k keep in mind that I told him that I would do what he wanted and it wasnt’ a big deal and the response was to the effect of stop being lippy and just listen I told him what do you want from me I just agreed with you and said I would use your bags i’m not being lippy at all I know this because I said okay dude not a problem i’ll use your bags his response was maybe if you get to buy it i’m like what are you suggesting that an 8 000 order is something you guys don’t want he’s like yeah if you buy it i’m like dude we are spending 8k today why would I bag up a bunch of stuff and spend 2 3 hours picking our your fabulous product to not buy it anyway so I had 4 credit cards one card had 2 000 one had 3500 one had 2000 and one had 1000 because I am buying for multiple people I had 4 different cards all in my name I wanted one receipt for each card not a big deal to me right wrong again he cited some policy and said if the order is more than 750 items that they aren’t allowed to ring in under 750 items on any one receipt id like to point out that that amount is higher than your employees said they could take as a cash payment I asked him to please show me that I would understand better if I could just read it he was willing to do so he brought out the policy book and to my surprise what it actually said was words to the afffect of cash payments cannot be split up or over 750 items I forget the second half my immediate reply was so what’s the big deal im using credit not cash he snatched the policy book away from me at that point and said you know what you can just listen to me or I don’t have to let you buy anything it’s up to my discretion I then called your orlando outlet and your new jersey outlet and talked to the store managers and cited your policy I was given I asked them to confirm if that was accurate and both said if it was a policy it was news to them I then asked if they would let me buy my order using 4 cards and 4 receipts the woman at orlando said oh my gosh yes we do that every single day I asked if I went to her store if I would have any trouble with this in the future and was told no then she said you can always come down here if you’re in the area and i’ll be happy to take your order after that phone call I tried again here’s the video of that attempt I said listen I have 4 credit cards your register girl said you told her she can’t ring up an order under 750 items that’s 3500 if it’s 5 items not all of my cards have that much I have done multiple receipts every time I came here heck I can even supply them to show it he tells me that because I am order so many items that I can’t have less tan 750 items per receipt so I point around to everyone else and ask what about everyone else you aren’t forcing them to spend a minimum of 750 items what about the final charge i’ll have 750 items for two tickets but the leftover isn’t going to be 750 items you’re not going to let me buy them he shrugged his shoulders to say no at this point I haven’t yelled ive been a bit snarky and sarcastic because I know he’s just giving me a hard time two people ring in our order almost every time I am up there and we were there 3 times in the last 6 months spent a bunch each time so at 730 8pm or so we are done shopping assuming that two people could ring us up ended up being a fantasy he forced one employee only to ring us up later on he comes up when its now close to 9pm and says hey you mind if we ring you up on both registers I chuckle and say no I don’t but you do you don’t want to be breaking that 750 rule do you he glared at me and then sent the employee away and walked off after blinking a few times I laugh because after telling me over and over he couldn’t do it he just got caught trying to do what should have been done to begin with a short while later after 9 I find out that everyone is standing uip front except for the one girl and another associate because none of the rest of them are allowed to help her ring us up the only two people left in the store with about 700 more items to be rang in if that’s not enough since it was a holidy all of these employees are apparently being paid overtime to stand around and wait at a bit after 10 all but two girls leave and one girl is waiting to count cash while the other girl sits and keeps ringing stuff in we apologize profusely we expected two employees to ring us up like always and timed our visit to be out around 9 if this had happened instead of having one literally stand there and watch her for 1 hour and 47 minutes after close we would have all been out on time and no overtime or extra hours spent so finally at 10 47 pm our orders are done we thank the lovely girl lauren and jasmine who got stuck staying 2 hours past close because a manager made up some random policy and had to double down when I pointed out he really needed to follow that 750 rule when he was going to toss another girl on the register if this is policy fine it doesn’t seem to be no manager at your other outlets knew what he was talking about the orlando one insisted that the only restrictions are on cash payments and verified I was paying cash or credit it’s a pretty humiliating experience to get hassled trying to buy panties and bras by someone who’s on some type of power trip the only thing I said sideways to him was that I flat out didn’t believe his policy and that credit absolutely is not the same as cash I didnt call him any names scream at him or did anything to disrupt the store beyond what you see in the videos if this is not policy i’d like an apology from that manager in person or over the phone admitting he was mistaken I would hope that the next time I go there I am not hassled but if not I guess there’s always orlando or new jersey who seem to be quite friendly I also want to give recognition to jasmine and lauren lauren is the poor soul who got stuck ringing everything in alone because of the manager’s silly rule and not allowing anyone to help because it would be in violation of the 750 item rule jasmine was the cash counter who had to wait until we were out of the store to count cash even more interesting is that I had a former employee with me helping me buy and she said she never heard of this policy either but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t added since she left she was just as confused because the manager spent over 30 minutes trying to explain and defend this when that time certainly would have been more efficiently spent doing productive things instead of hassling someone who literally sits in a corner and speaks to no one while sorting through your products one bin at a time id love a call back about this or to find out what exactly is going on ive never been hassled like this before and it was a little frustrating and very trying to keep my cool joe rossetti alexandria gunn See Other related products: I Am A Simple Woman Dog Paw Flip-Flop Wine Trucker T-Shirt

#I #Am #A #Simple #Woman #Dog #Paw #Flip-Flop #Wine #Trucker

1 note · View note

v-le · 5 years

Text

Kmusic: JTBC’s 슈퍼밴드(Superband) Review

Foreword: SUPERBAND WAS AMAZING AND IT WAS EVERYTHING I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED IN MY LIFE. yup

After binge-watching this entire program, I knew I had to write something about it. This show literally took my breath away, this show filled all my senses with overwhelming excitement, appreciation, and respect for every single participant, and the music, THE MUSIC, that came out of this show will forever be some of the most amazing songs I have ever heard in my life. But above all else, this show filled a void, an emptiness, a traumatizing, painful longing in my heart that has been needing some intense healing for a while now.

With all the things that have happened with my singer, Superband coming into my life and being the show it was, with all those amazing artists doing what they did, it was a literal blessing and I just……. I just cant believe they did THAT. They did it and it was AMAZING.

First off, whoever thought to make an audition program for MUSICIANS, SINGER-SONGWRITERS, ARTISTS, PRODUCERS, and just instrument-playing people AND VOCALISTS…….. you are a fucking genius and I am so glad that this idea never died in the shadows and was allowed to come to life on the screens.

What I found so poignant about this show from the get-go was how GOOD THESE AUDITIONS WERE… these people came in being REALLYYYYY good at (presumably) one thing like the guitar, or singing, or the violin. These people each had their specialty, they were exceptional music-making people. No one was quite mediocre or “rookie”, each person had some pretty credible expertise or experiences with music, and that in itself, the fact that we got to start off with these sorts of contestants, is something ive never seen before.

I don’t want to compare to other singing shows or the Produce series or whatever else countless audition programs Korea has been churning out over the past years, but since Superband began with this concept, it was already a show that I knew I would LOVE. For the 2 times ive watched Produce, I was always so perturbed by these prepubescent pretty boys frolicking around on stage, barely being able to even pull off a simple note. I just thought so many of them were so TALENTLESS…. But who am I to judge.

I think it really just comes down to preference, and even though I knew very well that idols and k-pop are not even things I enjoy anymore, I forced myself through programs like Produce. But now, with Superband, I felt so HAPPY and glad to be watching and discovering such talented musicians…THIS IS WHAT I WANTED ALL ALONG.

Even with the very first audition with Ha Hyunsang… OMFG UGHhHhh THAT BOI IS SO FLUFFY but so good at the same time… I feel like each time I see him, I ACTUALLY just want to give him a hug :’-(( the emotional depth in his singing is beyond describable and im SO PROUD TO HAVE WATCHED HIM GROW !!!!!!

That’s another thing I really really realllyyyyyyy loved from this show........ it was the process of watching these people develop, mature, change, grow with show. Some contestants went through some major growing pains, but it was so heartwarming to watch them improve, not that they were even bad to begin with. And the reversals!! Or the expansions?? The turnarounds?? The CONMEN!!!

AHHhhHHhhh okay im still very obsessed with the infinite amount of talent some dudes had, but before I get to that, let me continue on with those stellar auditions, aka the three genius guitarists, too ;_______; they. Are. So. Amazing. I love them a lot. I think I completely fell for them. And I hate myself. I hate to admit it a lot because I used to ALWAYS shit on dudes younger than me, I disliked basically every contestant on produce that was younger than ‘99, I thought they were all useless young children… but 김영소, 이강호, & 임형빈, were a completely different story. I LOVE THEM!!! I always had a bias toward a man that could play the guitar well… but these guys holy moly, they blew me away… they are so exceptional at what they do and the fact that theyre still so YOUNG… good lord…..my poor heart was so conflicted but ultimately so happy to have discovered them.

To watch these guys be thrown into that first 1:1 perf, and literally tearing up the stage and setting the bar VERY HIGH from the very beginning of the competition… phew… my goodness…. The talent with these kids… o my…. Okay yeah, nope im never gonna get over it. The ‘Adventure of a Lifetime’ stage will always be an iconic one from this program, and we all know it. Who knew a pure acoustic, musical performance, no vocals included stage would be so amazing…. I LOVE THEM!! Have I mentioned that yet?

Going back to the reversals/scamming thing... I guess this goes with watching some people grow……. I want to give a holy and blessed shoutout to probably my favorite contestant out of this entire show: 신광일….. he was such a dark horse. In fact, I don’t even remember his audition tbh because he was THAT not-memorable in the beginning LOL (or also.. I believe they never showed his audition to begin with)… but he quickly caught my eye as the eps went on because he came out of nowhere and whipped out all (or maybe not even all…) his skills like secret weapons, stage after stage.. he came in as a vocalist, picked up the bass for two the performances after that (all while still singing, too), although having never played the bass formally... and then once joining hands with Juhyeok and Yechan, he just miraculously becomes the drummer, because they ultimately decided that they needed percussion in their songs. So from thereon after, since ‘Hold Back The River’, Gwang-il, to me, was literally GOD(신) Gwang-il, as he played the drums and SANG TOO…..and may I add, hes not even that old?????? HES FRKING ONLY 2 YEARS OLDER THAN ME WTF;__; the boy got all these crazy blisters while perfecting the drums, but he didn’t let anything stop him and he was sucH A SOLID BAND MEMBER ALL THROUGHOUT, AHHHHHH MVP GOES TO SHIN GWANG-IL, YALL….(also I just found out that hes a trainee from Mystic Story, aka Yoon Jong shin’s agency aka the agency that I’ve been following for many many MANYYYY years now bc a lot of my favorite artists have come out of it…. Wow what is this fate)

And special recognition goes to Im Hyung-bin aka one of the 18 yr old genius guitarists bc he … oh my…. He frking became the pianist and singer by the end of the show…. Omfg… yall.. HE is also another infinitely talented soul. AND HES EXTRA FRKING YOUNG…

Besides these two though, there were many many many manyyyyy other people as well that took up multiple instruments throughout the show, or even began singing, or just did EVERYTHING….I was so mindblown by this, im still honestly not over it at all.

Because like, is this normal?? Isn’t that so unprofessional?? Its already so crazy that this show already starts us off with NON-amateur musicians and artists. But then some of these dudes have never done any other things formally before they got thrown into it; they came into this show “specializing” in something completely different, yet they jump onto the stage and do what they needed to, HELLA FRKING WELL…… so many of these dudes, you wouldn’t know that was his first time playing the bass, playing the drums, first time playing that piano, or first time being on the keyboard AND being a vocal, you wouldn’t know any of that unless they mentioned it, unless you watched the show and saw their story.

Because they all pulled it off THAT well.. these people that did these things for the first time ever while being on Superband, they executed their roles so well and showcased such wonderfully exhilarating talent…. IM SO BLESSED TO HAVE DISCOVERED SUCH AMAZING ARTISTS….

That was one of the biggest feats of Superband for me. The limitless talent that came out of it. I LOVE watching people like this. Their passion for music fuels such undeniable skill and fervor, and when they step onto that stage, they are literally unstoppable. They made music that stopped my time, stopped my heart, in the moment, but literally MOVED me...i applaud these people so much. I really do.

Thinking back to it now, the number of stages that came out of this show was like…. Countless…. Like… A LOT…. Since episode 1, each stage was very well-produced and I truly enjoyed watching each one from the start. This show was just so jampacked overall, although I admit that sometimes it was arduous due to the GRIND that these people were on, presenting stage after stage after stage, and then listening to LOTS of feedback from almost each judge over and over and over, but it was still nothing short of musical masterpieces out there. I really appreciate how STUFFED, how FILLED TO THE BRIM, this show was with dynamic, enjoyable, exceptional performances (and words of valuable opinions & evaluations, too)

I can re-watch many of them, every day, for days on end. I loved it. And can we just talk about how impressive these dudes are for pulling off something new, for taking on a brand-new challenge with a brand-new set of members, time and time again, stage after stage, week after week, until we came down to the 6 solid bands in the last 3 episodes? They constantly had to work with new people, match their music preferences, fill spaces in their music where they didn’t exactly have someone they may have needed. They had to compensate, compromise, and ultimately DELIVER, at the end of it all. Multiple times. I don’t even remember how many rounds they did… was it 4? I think they had 4 rounds of eliminations before they settled into their official bands. But still... its crazy impressive to think about how driven and flexible a lot of these artists were, to be creating, producing & then performing despite all the different teams they were getting put into week after week.

ANDDDDDD, despite all the odds up against them like the time crunch, the new collab of members each time, the potential lack of a missing instrument or sound, SO many of these teams still came out with self-written and self-produced songs!!!!!!! I mean, even for the cover songs alone, many were already re-arranging everything & basically turning them into new tracks. BUT WITH THOSE SELF COMPOSED SONGS??????????? Some teams literally started from scratch each time, but busted out some amazing tunes and lyrics and executed very very very impressive stages and IM JUST AKFJAKJFKJBSN how…. Are they….. so…. Talented…… I still ask myself each time.

By far, the combo that took my heart and kept it for good….. LUCY ;_______;. I never expected to like Juhyeok’s voice tbh, it was a little TOO weird for me in the beginning… but watching him perform with Yechan and Gwang-il and Wonsang really brought to life his vocal potential for me… that team is literally a combination made in heaven, they have all the right pieces to make ARTWORK… their signature sound was so prominent from the very beginning and i was SO HAPPY when I saw that they stuck to the same exact members once the finale came around.

Before the winner was announced, I told myself very honestly that I didn’t even care who won because the two teams left over, Hoppipolla & Lucy, were already my two all-time favorite combinations of artists from the entire show, and I was already MORE than satisfied with all the wonderful music and stages that everyone had delivered up until that point anyway. But even with that, I was still thoroughly shocked when they announced Hoppipolla as the winning band LOL I gasped aloud. I thought that Lucy at least had a chance. Or like I guess, in my heart, I assumed that Lucy actually won.. LOL but they didn’t.

And in terms of the finale in general, I really would also like to address how I purposely tried really hard to avoid any spoilers and rewatching of performances on youtube before actually finishing the entire series. I tried like reallyyyyy hard, because I wanted to watch the program as thoroughly as possible without spoilers. I HATE SPOILERS. But oh the irony. It was in all in vain anyway.

Once I finally DID finish all 14 episodes, when trying to look for more information/reactions/articles/videos (initially searching in English), I actually struggled SO HARD LMAOOOO bc there was like NOTHING OUT THERE……..i should have known better; this show was definitely NOT catered to the intl. audience (yet?), especially because its in its first season still. There were probably like 2 articles max in English about Superband & it was just about its upcoming premier. Nothing about winners nor results nor anything else i was wary of, anyway. LOLLL THE INTL COMMUNITY DOESN’T CARE; or at least the intl population that DOES care about Superband, is probably reallyyyyyy small……a reddit thread I found was the most substantial discussion I could find, comprised of a few comments max.

And so that brings me to how I always see a lot of comments begging for English subs and everything, but honestly…….. all I have to say to yall is: LEARN KOREAN IF YOU REALLY WANT TO WATCH THE SHOW THAT BADLY !!!

If after all these years, I could pick up Korean to an extent where I can watch things raw, im sure others can do the same as long as they put their mind to it. Ive been really appreciating how far my skills have taken me LOL not trying to be THAT person, but I just know that if I COULDN’T read or listen & comprehend or type in Korean like I can now, I would be missing out on a WORLD of amazing stuff. E.g. superband. And if anything, I would like to think that this show helped me practice my vocab skills a lot more. Listening to the judges’ evals after each stage was really enjoyable: I learned plenty of valuable words out of THEIR words.

This show was phenomenal in that all the contestants had total musical freedom. It was soOOOOO refreshing to watch. They got to choose all their music & their teammates in a fair manner (maybe not so much their competition), but seeing them take their passions & what THEY wanted to do with music and laying that all out onto the stage, was so compelling!!! This freedom allowed for countless, ICONIC AF transformations and growth journeys for soooo many of the artists too!!!! I really realllyyyyyyyy loved watching some of them stepping WAYYYY outside of their comfort zones / the image that they originally came in with (e.g. HONG ISAAC HAAAAHAHHA, Jisang, Hyunsang!!), and also watching alllllll those multitalented “scam characters”!!! HAHAHA, without this program being as open as it was, it would’ve been impossible to be able to see such a myriad of sides to so many different people. I appreciate, I really do.

And I really really realllyyyy enjoyed watching all the behind the scenes of each performance as well!! Of course, its normal to give viewers some background story before each stage, but in Superband, we got to see some very raw sides of music-making….. these dudes literally lived like hobos in the recording studios, all disheveled and sleep-deprived human beans, but ceaselessly making music because that’s what they love. I liked watching teams try out a lot of different songs & styles as they searched for THE right one. And then we got to see the final result on stage after the countless discussions and trials behind the scenes. And these processes repeated for months on end. All the contestants are so commendable in this right. The grind was real, and the show didn’t try to hide that. I enjoyed this very realistic approach !!

At this point, after drowning myself in this show for a few days straight… (those episodes are LONGGGGG, close to two hrs each) ive literally spent every night, and basically day, too, watching all the cuts that jtbc uploaded on youtube over and over and oVERRRRR….. ive also been watching some Superband concert clips, from when the entire final 6 bands went on a domestic tour and performed together for several concerts!!

THAT OPENING STAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLESS THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAUGHT IT ON CAMERA BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY SUCH A PIECE OF MUSICAL HEAVEN, omfg the energy on that stage IS SOMETHING ELSE… IF I WERE THERE IN PERSON I PROBABLY WOULDVE CRIED INSTANTLY……. lee juhyeok, kevin oh, chae bohoon, im hyeongbin, kim youngso, ha hyunsang, lee chansol, and kim woosung, all the guitarists/ vocalists lined up in the front… (hearing each vocalist sing a line each made my HEART HURT....I LOVE THEM SM) then the bassists, lee jonghoon, kim hyungwoo, kim hajin, jo wonsang, clustered up AND HAVIN A TIME all by themselves, and the three epic electric guitarists, yang jiwan, kim junhyeob, and Zairo, literally held SUCH stage presence… on the drums: kang kyungyoon all the way to the right, and red haired hwang minjae in the middle, and the super in-sync, traditional drum banging bois, choi youngjin, shin gwang-il, a-il, & jung gwanghyun, all 4 of them bouncing up and down in the back like intense oompa loompas LOL THEY LOOKED SO CUTE, and the string bois!!!!! Shin yechan & benji on the violin next to hong jinho on the cello; yechan and benji started off sitting down but as the song goes on they literally WENT AT IT HAHAHA as expected of two of the most high-energy musicians. On the piano, lee na-woo, the classic icon himself starting off the entire intro, and next to him hong isaac the transformation legend himself on the keyboard + his super distinctive voice!!!!!! And of course, d-pole with his much-expected little music break in the middle….. in fact many of them got ICONIC solo time: kang kyungyoon’s drumming part, kim hyungwoo’s super duper solid bass, minjae’s powerful beats, kim hajin’s LOUD ass bass, lee jonghoon’s legendary slap finger bass playing, jo wonsang’s super ting-y, classic bass section, and yang jiwan’s loud ASS ELEC GUITAR TOO, omg they were all so cute, pointing to each member & hyping them up as it was their few seconds to shine….AND THOSE COLLECTIVE VOICES???? HEARING ALL THE VOCALISTS SING TOGETHER ONE BY ONE… OH my gosh it was soooooo GOOOODDDDDDD.... just watching all those dudes literally have THE TIME OF THEIR LIFE on stage (literally an ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME), the energy was off the charts… I loveeeeee seeing them so happy, making eye contact with each other, jumping up & down, rocking out, laughing with each other, all while playing their instrument, so fervently, all 27 people on the stage, connected by one song…. Theres SO MUCH OVERFLOW of talent in one freaking place, that song sounded SO MASSIVE just thru the video I cant imagine….. if I were actually there omfg… that’s an actual BAND Like A HUGE FRKING BAND… AHHHHHHHHHH a really legendary stage.. the finest of finest……I can literally watch this opening on repeat without getting bored because I just loveeeee the concept of all of them being together like that :”)))

After watching member after member, team after team get eliminated, seeing them like this on one stage with such happy expressions and making a beautiful piece of music like that o MANNNNNN…. This show…… has really done something to me…

I appreciate every contestant SO MUCH and I wish I could watch everyone be together FOREVER….because knowing how artistically talented each person is on their own, to watch them join together is like the avengers times 72737446352 or something, its just talent & skill plus talent & skill stacked onto even more skill & talents and just an INFINITE amount of potential AND THAT…IS LITERALLY.. THE POWER…. OF A BAND………and of great ass music.

This show was GENIUS TO combine so many musicians from so many different backgrounds…but watching them work together to make pure art, that is so frking rewarding and heartwarming and I feel so blessed to have witnessed it all.

The genres and potential were literally limitless……I think this is what encompassed Superband for me, this is what made me enjoy it SO damn much…. I think ive finally run out of things to say… this piece of text is quite a mess, not very polished….. but I was hasty in recording my thoughts & emotions before they left me, so I tried my best.

My biggest regret with this show is that I didn’t watch it sooner. (what is really ironic is that it took me FOREVER to start the first ep, despite having tonssss of time on my hands... I had it open on one of my tabs for the longest time, but I lowkey grudgingly, eventually, forced myself to finally start it LOL..(thank god I rly did tho) I watched it 2 months after the finale, which is… kinda late? If I had watched it while it was airing, all while I was still in korea, I feel like I would’ve been EVEN MORE in love, even more fervent and passionate about everything. Digging thru old vids & watching things from contestants before they came out onto the show, seeing the artists they were, I could’ve easily gone and seen them myself probably… goddamnit I probably could’ve gone to the superband finale live show, if I had known.. I COULDVE VOTED IN REAL TIME... not that I could’ve brought myself to do it anyway, probably lol….. but basically, if I had known of this show WHILE I was there with them… I don’t know, I could’ve been a lot more active as a fan, I feel like..

Now im back to my original roots: crying in front of my laptop screen and tap-tapping away at my keyboard as a I rant to no one but myself. Being in korea made my appreciation for all kinds of artists, all my beloved ones, EVERYONE, a lot more tangible.. but being back in America… it all becomes hidden into the depths of my heart, once again…

PHEW……I think now is a good time to mention my favorite stages… as I mentioned before, the Lucy AND pre-Lucy lineup will always hold a really special place in my heart so basically all my faves include their stages LOL

‘Swim’ cover by LUCY(신예찬, 이주혁, 신광일, 조원상)

‘Hold Back The River’ cover by 신예찬, 이주혁, 신광일

‘Adventure of a Lifetime’ cover by 조원상, 김영소, 이강호, 임형빈

‘누구 없소’ cover by 케빈오, 박찬영, 신광일, 강경윤

‘선잠’ by LUCY

'Castle on the Hill’ cover by 아일, 하현상, 노마드, 홍진호

‘1000x’ cover by 아일, 하현상, 홍진호, 김형우

‘One More Light’ cover by HOPPIPOLLA(아일, 하현상, 홍진호, 김영소)

‘Cry Bird’ cover by LUCY

‘Viva La Vida’ cover by 하현상, 홍진호, 김영소

‘Flare’ by LUCY

‘Find You Again’ by People on the Bridge(이찬솔, 임형빈, 김준협, 강경윤, 김형우)

My favorite funny moments:

“이게 무슨 짓이야!!?” - mellow kitchen (the stealing of the 3 kiddo guitarists)

“okay let’s be honest, you can’t even hear the bass” - shin hyunbin 2k19

울보 팀

Hyunsang’s fam: 아일 the mom, 홍진호 the dad, 김형우 the hyung

“idk if im allowed to say this but it looked like zombie movie” - yoon jongshin, as they all gathered around the cello man

“I thought to myself, isn’t that cello expensive tho..” - yoon jongshin as youngso slapped & tapped jinho’s cello for percussion

Ah-il’s iconic castle on the hill pose

Zairo’s luck with member choosing lmao

HONG ISAK’S DANCING in ‘Time of My Life’ LOLLL IT GETS ME LAUGHING EACH TIMEEE (& all his nicknames, like eungalchi lmaooo)

Benji’s “YO-RO-BOON HAM-KAY HEY-YO” during ‘Woo-ing’

Gwanghyun’s “do-doom-tak”

Gwanghyun calling Gwang-il’s drum skills equivalent to that of a middle school band’s LOLLLL

**I watched Mone’s radio appearance on Arirang Radio where Benji is the host, and they were an absolute MESS LMAOOOOOO THEY WERE HONESTLY ALL REALLY FUNNY THOUGH.. they kept roasting the crap out of each other and laughing their asses off and man… it was gr8 time and it was really cute to discover that Hong Isaac is now a part of one of Benji’s radio shows too!

One important question I have for this show though: where tf did all the females go? Why was there no female presence at all in this show, I have no clue…… :/

At the end of the day, this show reminded me once again, how to feel happy and excited because of music. how to let great music fill my life with undeniable joy. Being able to look forward to listening to these songs every day, definitely had lifted a small part of me that has been down for all too long. I really appreciate, I am very grateful for, I just… im so thankful to have discovered this show & all its wonderful masterpieces & the beautifully, magically, PASSIONATE artists behind it all………. I needed this in my life at this point in time, I really did.

Thank you for coming to be, Superband.

#kmusic #jtbc #superband #super band #슈퍼밴드 #rant #;________;#a real ass rant #SUPER LOVE FOR SUPER BAND #anyone else that has watched this plz share ur thoughts

38 notes · View notes

allhallowsreid · 5 years

Text

just lots and lots of very long-winded, random thoughts about last night’s finale and the show itself...

so obvs no one has to agree with me on any of this, i just feel like there likely ARE ppl who feel like this and it’s easy to get shut down on tumblr for having different opinions, and i mostly just need to gather my feelings and thoughts in one place.

-ive seen a handful of ppl upset that the last ep centered around reid, but if you were to take 10 fans of this show, it’s a pretty good chance that 8 or 9 of them would say reid is their fave character. that isn’t me trying to insult any of the other characters, that’s just the way it is. whether it’s bc of his looks (and my lord was he gorgeous in this finale ep), or that he’s your typical cute white boi, or more organic reasons like he’s been there since day 1 and we were able to watch him change and grow, and he’s the opposite of the typical male characters we often see, especially on cop shows.. whatever the reason, he is a VERY popular tv character. and if it weren’t for that character, for better or worse, this show would have ended a long time ago.

-the ending itself.. i just feel like i don’t know what ppl were expecting?? this is not a show like supernatural or dexter or a show that has had a fluent overarching story to tell from start to finish. the story continues without us watching it. it’s another day at the office for them. was it a great ending? no, but it was fine. we see where all of them are headed. endings are so difficult, i’m just glad they didn’t kill anyone off or some garbage like that.

-so damn happy they hooked up luke and garcia. i have had such issues with garcia’s character since morgan left, i feel like she became a caricature, where she just overacts and i recently read an article with kirsten where she actually admitted that when shemar left she really didn’t know what to do with her character anymore. honestly? it showed. the obnoxiousness to luke was cute at first bc she obviously had a crush on him, but then it just became mean and out of character. this season i was happy to see her get a little bit more back to herself. all this being said, they were very clearly headed towards getting luke and garcia together this season with the overt flirting and one on one convo’s, i’m so glad they went through with it instead of leaving it open ended. and i will admit that of all the characters, i didn’t think garcia would be the one to leave, but it made sense. garcia is tough as hell, much tougher than she gives herself credit for, but like luke said, she can do this other job without the gore that she cringes over in literally every single episode of the show. also loved jj saying garcia was the glue of the team. so true, so well said. and side note, kirsten does a hell of a job writing these characters that she knows all too well, the other writers should’ve just let her take over in later seasons.

-prentiss... i love my emily so dang much, but man they give her the absolute worst dialogue. she gets stuck with all these long sentences that just.. they just don’t flow?? and it takes me out of the show so often. this has been since s12 when she became unit chief. there has been a handful of times since she became the boss that we have had flashes of old school smartass goth girl emily, and i cherished each moment, but it wasn’t enough. somewhere along the way they forgot how to write into the show that their characters had PERSONALITY. just as an example of the stupid dialogue she gets.. the end of the ep where it’s intended to look like rossi’s retirement party. then, idk who it was, emilys boyfriend maybe(?) says some dumb comment about oh gee i thought this was dave’s retirement! and then emily starts some awkwardly long line that could’ve been summed up in “dave decided not to retire afterall” and it was just soooo... weird?!!? if we are agreeing that A MONTH has gone by.. you are to tell me that it never once came up that dave said he was gonna retire and then changed his mind!??! that night, one month later, is the first that this discussion occurred!!?!?! and all of these dumb lines come out sounding so robotic, and i can’t blame paget, bc the lines are boring as hell. also unless i missed something i can’t rule emily out of being the next director, especially since their profile ended up being correct, lynch and the mom didn’t kill themselves, so i’m sure when that all came out, the next hurdle emily would have to clear is how they just blew up their very expensive jet right after having a budget meeting 2 episodes ago!!

- i’m gonna lump the newer characters together.. and just say that it was all too little, too late. they tried to give matt and luke more this season, and the ep’s centered on them were great, but it all felt forced to me. all this character development should’ve started as soon as they came onto the show. the relationships between the new and original characters also feels forced a lot of times, barring relationships like rossi and his boys, luke and garcia, tara and emily.. i mean that’s kind of all, right? we never saw much off-the-job, personal interactions between them and the rest of the characters, did we? and the way tara was treated on this show is inexcusable. aisha’s talents were so underused on this show it was criminal (pun intended). and actually, the above stuff i said about emily getting nonsense dialogue, you can throw matt in there too. his dialogue was friggin god awful at times on this show. in the words of early seasons reid, maybe try to be more conversational, writers!!

-man oh man was jj a badass and a half in this finale. tbh i always enjoyed liaison jj more than ssa jj, but when badass jj comes out i get all excited. i do feel like she would be the best fit to take over if emily left, she’d stepped into that role before and excelled. but she is another character that at times i think the writers just forgot how to write her personality somewhere along the way. i understand that the reality is that people change over time, but there were times that she was written like a typical high school mean girl, and that was just an insult to the character they created. the whole jeid thing was severely overblown and unnecessary. i don’t hate the idea of them being together, but why wait til s14-15 to deal with this? in the end i thought it was handled okay, i personally didn’t feel like it ruined their friendship or stayed awkward, which i appreciated, it was just a storyline that wasn’t needed and wasted time. also, ppl griping about “oh but she clearly loves will, if she loves spencer then she can’t love will!” i mean, actually, ppl are capable of loving more than one person at a time, hate to burst that bubble for ya.

-this seems like a good moment though to pause and just get this out about will lamon-fuckin-tagne jr... this guy is too good for jj lol, i am sorry but he is such a great guy. and can we review some things about will and his wife’s bestest friend, godfather to his children, spencer reid?? when will and spencer first met, it was during an unbelievably personal case to will, i mean his father died sending him a message about this case that the fbi was called in on. and his first intro with reid?? let’s see, reid spent that ep strung out on drugs, and full on abandoning the case to go hang out with his friend at a club/bar/lounge/whatever. ok, so that’s will’s first impression of jj’s bestie, and will STILL okay’d him being the godfather of his kids. not to mention, can you imagine your wife has been gone in the damn middle east for who even knows how long, then when she finally gets back and you think you’re gonna have her to yourself, but oh no, here comes jj’s friggin bestie again to come cry on the couch every night for several weeks!!!! and he gives zero indication of not liking spencer, in fact he seems rather fond of him. will is the most patient man ever, i swear.

-ok that was an unexpected side track. moving onto rossi. not sure why they were all like oh pfft this guy will never retire. the dude literally retired before the show started lol. if he retired once, when he was fairly young, why is the idea of it happening again so impossible? again, dumb dialogue. i loved the stuff with him and young gideon (i may be biased tho bc i’m just so damn proud of ben savage), i loved that rossi knew more about the jet than the others, however that was an inconsistency bc when rossi came back from retirement, he couldn’t believe the bau had its own jet. unless i just misunderstood what emily meant when she said it all started with rossi and gideon. i felt like lynch was a very underwhelming villain. super forgettable. there was no charisma like foyet or cat adams, there was no creep factor like mr scratch, there was no mystery like the replicator or the fisher king. his whole story just fell flat, and if there were anything interesting about him whatsoever, it’s bc of what rossi brought to the table, not the “chameleon”.

-my boy reid. he has several lifetimes of baggage to unpack, and i think of all the characters on this show, no one hates unpacking their trauma more than reid. i feel like it was so relatable that he could barely speak in this ep without sounding on the verge of tears, like every sentence was painful to even get out bc of how much hurt is stored up inside him. his trauma has defined him for years now, and if they had ended the show without addressing even some of it, the show would’ve been incomplete. i understand that actors schedules just don’t work out sometimes, but idk what the point was of having strauss and foyet be his devil and angel. and foyet’s long explanation of how bc he changed hotch, he changed the team was so convoluted that he may as well have just said “they couldn’t get james van der beek or the dude who played mr scratch, so im here instead”. i liked what they did with reid and maeve, and i actually don’t mind that there was no mention of max. they’re still very early in their relationship, and i feel like him coming out with some “wait i think i love max!” revelation would just be too fast and ooc. we already know that the relationship between them is growing, it doesn’t need to be said. and can i get an amen that maeve and reid didn’t kiss bc god that would’ve been weird as hell.

- i hate that we couldn’t have hotch or morgan or blake or elle or any of the main characters that helped make this show what it was, but i’m still grateful for the crumbs they gave us if the actors just couldn’t be booked for whatever reason. i’ve seen many shows at their end just try to pretend their previous characters never existed, so that we got some flashbacks with them was appreciated.

- RIP bau jet. i wiiiill reMEMber youuuuuuu.

-the song choice of david bowie’s Heroes was perfection. strangely, when i was driving home from work yesterday that song came on my playlist and i blasted it on repeat and performed a car concert for my fellow drivers on the road, and thought to myself that this song would be great for cm to end on. never thought they would actually do it since they had previously used the song in penelope’s ep. but what a great scene of all them dancing and singing and laughing like the bunch of nerdy idiots they are.

-i came late into the game with this show. ppl have been telling me for years to watch it and i only picked up watching in s13, after i read a spn/cm crossover fic and became super curious about who all these awesome characters were. with that said, i’m aware that since i haven’t invested years of my life in this show, that my feelings and thoughts about the ending will be different than those who have been hooked on this show for over a decade. i’m still just so thankful for the family portrayed by this show, and these characters i fell in love with, and episodes i’ll never forget.

#text posts #series finale #thx for reading if u took the time to do so :-)#criminal minds

1 note · View note

haloud · 5 years

Text

“Not as Lost, Violent Souls:” Alex Manes and T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men” -- part 2

- intro - part 1 -

Previously on:

(gif by bisexualalienblast, used with permission)

To recap what we’ve established so far: the epigraph and the first two segments of “The Hollow Men” portray the speaker as a man who has lost a sense of identity or purpose, both among the hollow men and wishing to be more like them, haunted by a vision of “eyes” and wishing to live more completely in the meaningless, liminal space inhabited by the hollow men. If Alex is the speaker, trapped in a sense in the world that makes “hollowness” the only state of being achievable, then the desire to inhabit that distant, liminal space is representative of the defense mechanisms he has developed to navigate the world. He takes control, avoiding vulnerability. He runs away, keeping intimate interactions with the person who makes him most vulnerable on his terms. In sections III-V, the imagery of the eyes grows ever stronger, as the world of the speaker grows more dismal and disconnected, concluding with the breakdown of connections inherent in the Shadow falling between such deeply connected things, and the final statement about the end of the world.

Part III: Lone and level sands

This segment of the poem is one of the shortest, and it shifts the focus from the hollow men themselves, the speaker, and the eyes, and onto the broader landscape the hollow men occupy.

This is the dead land This is cactus land

Of course, we, the writers of Roswell, and the characters of the show would all know that deserts are not dead at all, but instead teeming with life. However, pairing “dead land” with “cactus land” in the segment immediately following the previous lines about the kingdoms of death is meant to communicate a sense of the total bleakness of the landscape, as well as serve as a reminder of the futility of the existence of the hollow men, who are compared to scarecrows, but in this “cactus land” have no real fields to stand in, have no real function.

Here the stone images Are raised, here they receive The supplication of a dead man's hand Under the twinkle of a fading star

In Jeffrey Howard's explication of this poem[1], he identifies these lines and this imagery as being in reference to Percy Bysshe Shelley’s “Ozymandias.” I don’t have a whole lot to say about this in relation to Alex specifically, but it’s certainly an interesting connection in the context of some things I’ve already said regarding him and Jesse. Jesse is very much a “look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”[2] kind of guy. As Howard goes on to say, Shelley’s poem “appears as a cold sarcasm regarding humanity’s aspirations to godhood instead of being an earnest evaluation of humanity’s might, which does not, in reality, exist” (10). This entire discussion brings to my mind again Alex’s speech to Kyle in 1x12, how there exists a constant need to justify atrocities committed by one’s government (the modern American answer to atrocities committed by godhood), and how people generally fail to recognize that what seems like might is more often than not a completely empty concept.

is it like this In death's other kingdom Waking alone At the hour when we are Trembling with tenderness Lips that would kiss Form prayers to broken stone

Here, the speaker is asking if the world is just as bleak for those who have “crossed over,” as said in the first segment, to “death’s other kingdom.” In death’s other kingdom, do the people there have to wake alone, when they are “trembling with tenderness?” Do the people there have the freedom to kiss, when all the speaker/the hollow men can do is “form prayers to broken stone?”[3][4] Previously, the speaker has expressed an inability to come to “death’s other kingdom,” locked in a sort of purgatory with the other hollow men; the speaker has also expressed resistance to “death’s dream kingdom,” wanting to stay far away from the vision of eyes that that dream kingdom brings, knowing that he will always be far away from “that final meeting / In the twilight kingdom.” Here, however, the speaker expresses almost a yearning for things to be different, even if achieving “death’s other kingdom” is impossible.

Part IV: Valley of dying stars

Part IV opens with further bleak imagery and further admission of hopelessness:

The eyes are not here There are no eyes here In this valley of dying stars In this hollow valley This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

The speaker has succeeded, then, for a given value of success; he has avoided the gaze of the eyes, and now they are gone altogether. The stars are dying, the valley is hollow, even the tiny scraps of life that may have existed previously in this landscape are winking out, one by one. The line that stands out in this stanza is that about the “broken jaw” of the lost kingdom, which is a flare of violence or pain, whether by accident or deliberately induced, which stands out among all the numbness that characterizes the rest of the poem.

In this last of meeting places We grope together And avoid speech Gathered on this beach of this tumid river[5]

Sightless, unless The eyes reappear As the perpetual star Multifoliate rose Of death's twilight kingdom The hope only Of empty men.

The hollow men gather together against what separates them from what is, textually, death, but symbolically is more like salvation, paradise, or connection. This segment of the poem has strong religious imagery—strong enough that I’m forced here to talk about it when I’ve avoided it thus far because it’s not terribly relevant to any of my points about Alex. That being said, I will go into greater detail in the Watsonian analysis about what significance the religious imagery in “The Hollow Men” may have to Alex as a person, despite the lack of any religious context for his character in the show thus far. As a continuation of the Doylist analysis, I will say only that the eyes have once again appeared as a signifier of salvation or peace. “The hope only / of empty men.”

Part V: the Shadow

Here is how the fifth and final movement of the poem begins:

Here we go round the prickly pear Prickly pear, prickly pear Here we go round the prickly pear At five o'clock in the morning.

Now, before I get fully into Part V, I just want to let you all know about the deeply, deeply hilarious opinion of Smith[6] about the "prickly pear" parody of the "mulberry bush" children's song, which is that the prickly pear is a phallic symbol while the mulberry bush is all vaginas all the time, apparently[7] Grover. My buddy. My dude. What. Anyway, the remainder of the poem is a long set of dichotomies or intrinsically and existentially paired concepts, interspersed with a line from the Lord’s Prayer, concluding with the famous final lines.

Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception And the creation Between the emotion And the response Falls the Shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire And the spasm Between the potency And the existence Between the essence And the descent Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is Life is For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but with a whimper.

The abortive lines referencing the Lord’s Prayer indicate a struggle against a father—The Father—and, dispersed as they are among the lines about a Shadow falling between concepts that should never otherwise be separated, themselves become the Shadow. The Shadow is a higher concept, a higher being, with the power to tear apart even logically and naturally inseparable things. In the context of Alex and Roswell, Jesse Manes is, in many ways a literal Shadow obstructing connectedness and growth. However, there is another version of the Shadow which his worldview has caused to transfer to his son. Critic J. Hillis Miller identifies the Shadow as “the paralysis which seizes men who live in a completely subjective world,” and states, “Mind had seemed the medium which binds all things together in the unity of an organic culture. Now [the mind] is revealed to be the Shadow which isolates things from one another, reduces them to abstraction, and makes movement, feeling, and creativity impossible.” Alex’s “subjective reality” is not a traditional one, but rather the result of two worldviews fighting for supremacy within him and forcing him to a standstill—his own, and the one his father has imposed upon him his entire life. A subjective reality forms when he is incapable of making decisions based upon one worldview without the other intruding; there is no objective truth, no objective way of leading his life. An objective sense of purpose is, of course, something that all people strive for regardless of their circumstances, but it is the specific destabilizing outside force which in “The Hollow Men” is referred to as the “Shadow” that makes Alex’s experience resonate with the text of the poem. By the end of the poem, the speaker cannot so much as complete a sentence. The Shadow comes between, among other things, the thought and the speech. In the same way, Alex’s own “Shadow,” being both the imprinted trauma and continuing expectation as well as his father’s physical presence, comes between who he is and who he wants to be; who he can be and what face he shows to the world.

The speaker and Alex end the poem in the same way as they began. Trapped in a role that is part tool, part puppet, part propaganda, caught between wishing for hope or salvation and wishing he could even wish for as much as that. He has companions but feels no companionship; he stands on the banks of a river but has no boat with which to cross, nor any money to pay the ferryman. And all the while he is watched by these eyes which represent a state of being or an ideal which he can never achieve, but just as he scorns those eyes and wishes they would turn away, they do, and he is left sightless and silent.

This is not a happy poem. Nor do I believe that analyzing it in this way will reveal any more hopeful, happier meaning for Eliot’s hollow men or for Alex Manes. The existence of the hollow men is a bleak one, and at the very beginning of Roswell, New Mexico—the inciting events that build upon each other until Alex references the poem—Alex is in a fairly bleak place himself. However. I, unlike Eliot, do not believe in unhappy endings, so I didn’t want to close out this section just with a whimper. So while this essay concerns itself primarily with bleakness, I still want to remind everyone that “the world ends with a whimper” in episode nine of thirteen (and yet to come). Alex has already punched through the end of the world and is in the process of pulling himself through that hole and out the other side, retaking agency, rediscovering himself, relearning what he wants and how he is going to achieve those desires. The hollow men may have only empty hopes, but Alex’s hope is very real, and his character’s journey, as is the case with all characters in Roswell’s first season, has only just begun.

Part three of this essay will reexamine Alex’s character, his relationship to “The Hollow Men” at various points in his life, and his decision to quote the poem in context from a Watsonian perspective.

[1] Howard, Jeffrey G. “T.S. Eliot’s THE HOLLOW MEN.” The Explicator, vol. 70, no. 1, 2012, pp. 8-12, https://doi.org/10.1080/00144940.2012.656736. Accessed 2 Sept. 2019. [2] Howard goes into some detail about this line (line 11 of Shelley’s poem); he points out the capitalization of the word “Mighty,” how that grammatical convention is usually reserved for “proper nouns and deities,” and how it “solidifies just such a correlation” between “Ozymandias” and the “feigned divinity of the hollow men.” [3] I believe I speak for all of us when I say: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [4] Continuing the Ozymandias reference; worshipping a ruin of something that used to be grand but was always fallible. I really suggest anyone who wants to read a Romantic poet’s 14-line dunk on Jesse Manes go give Ozymandias a look. [5] According to the Norton anthology’s footnotes as well as scholarship on some of Eliot’s other work, as well as Dante’s, which is a stated inspiration for both “The Waste Land” and “The Hollow Men,” the tumid river refers to the river Acheron, which is both a real river in Greece and a fixture of Greek mythology—the river which one must cross to reach the underworld, the river from which the underworld’s other rivers all spring forth. [6] Same Grover Smith I referenced earlier. He’s a serious scholar! But serious literary scholars are also often very, very silly. And literary scholars and anthropologists share the quirk of educated guessing that demands that, when in doubt, every symbol must be either a deity or a penis. [7] The only story I’m aware about concerning mulberry bushes is the tale of Pyramus and Thisbe, very much a proto-Romeo and Juliet story in which two families hated each other, but their children fell in love by whispering through a crack in the wall between them. The myth/drama ends with a double suicide. It is the blood of the lovers that gives mulberries their color to this day. Thanks, the Greeks, for yet another heartwarming tale about nature, and one that is not particularly, uh, yonic. I think the mulberry bush children’s song might possibly be about washerwomen, hence the idea that it is feminine, but I would hardly consider the prickly pear a masculine version of that. In short: Grover. Man. What.

#rnm meta #roswell new mexico #alex manes

6 notes · View notes

gigglyirwin · 6 years

Text

Drinking Problem (Part 7)

Pairing: Ashton x Reader Word Count: ~1.9k Warnings: fluff, some swearing, good fluff, cute fluff, and then angst, angst, angst, cliffhanger Prompt: The day with Ashton goes smoothly, and love is all that comes from the meeting, but the night holds some unexpected turns. {part one} {part two} {part three} {part four} {part five} {part six}

“Do I look okay?” You asked as Calum walked by the room. You were standing sideways in the mirror, looking for any sign of a bump underneath the oversized hoodie that belonged to Ashton. Calum backtracked and looked over at you, a smile tugging on his lips.

“You look good.” He leaned against the frame of the door, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Okay, but do I look pregnant?”

“You don’t even look pregnant when you wear your own clothes,” he commented. “Are you ready to go?”

You nodded and as you finished pulling on your tennis shoes, Calum laughed at you. You shot him a confused look. “What?” you scoffed, standing and grabbing your jacket.

“You know pretty soon you’re not gonna be able to put those on yourself.”

“Fuck you,” you groaned with an eye roll.

“Hey!” Calum playfully snapped, “Don’t swear in front of the baby.”

“It can’t even hear me yet!”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I do know that. I’ve been reading the baby books, I know all about the development of this thing,” you snobbishly grinned. “Now let’s go.”

“Eager are we?” Calum teased as he walked you down to his car. You bit back a smile, your cheeks flushing. You were beyond eager to see Ashton. It was time and you felt ready. You were excited and scared all at once but you knew everything was going to be okay and you knew how much you both needed this.

—-

“They’re gonna ask you a few questions when you get in and then you’ll be required to go to a lecture on what to do and not to do. It takes a half hour, tops,” Calum said as he opened the car door for you. You glanced around for Michael or Luke’s car, eyebrows furrowing when you didn’t see either.

“Are Michael and Luke not coming?” You asked.

“Nope. Just you and me. And mostly you once you finish the workshop.” That made the anxiety in your stomach resurface until Calum placed a gentle hand on your shoulder. “He would’ve ignored us anyway if we had all come. He really only wants to see you.” You gave him a quick nod, staring down the doors of the treatment center.

“Is he gonna see me when we first walk in?”

“Probably. He usually hangs out in the lobby area during visiting hours. Unless he’s just had a session, then he’s usually in his room.” Calum gave you a gentle nudge and began walking, but when you didn’t follow him, he turned and spoke up again. “Everything is going to be fine, Y/N. I bet he’s been counting down the minutes until he gets to see you again. He’s going to be ecstatic.” You still didn’t move forward. “I’ll stay with you the whole time,” Calum reassured, making his way back to you. “And if you don’t want to, we don’t have to stay long. Just please come inside.”

Ashton was waiting in the lobby when you both walked in. He was glancing out the window every few seconds, his body feeling like it was on fire at every passing second having not seen you yet. The second the door opened and clanked shut, his head was perked up like an excited puppy, his eyes quickly scanning the front desk area until he found you and Calum.

Ashton wasn’t able to greet you there before you were escorted off to a separate room. He knew you had to go through the session on the dos and don’ts but he couldn’t wait to see you and to hold you and to speak to you. He realized he hadn’t said anything to you since he left and he wasn’t sure how he even made it this long without hearing your voice.

“She’s so pretty dude, did you see her?” Ashton gushed as Calum sat down on one of the couches.

“Yeah, buddy. Seen her all morning,” Calum chuckled but got a confused look from Ashton.

“What d’you mean all morning?”

“Well, I went to pick her up and I’ve been with her since, so kinda all morning,” he quickly lied. Maybe it would be easier to tell Ashton the truth and to tell him that you’ve been having a rough time sleeping and that he’s staying there, but Calum didn’t want to cause a scene. He knew his best friend well enough that the explanation would not go over well.

“How often do you see her?” Ashton’s eyes narrowed and he began absentmindedly picking at his nail.

“We try to see her every day, just to make sure she’s doing well. Just with the way things ended, we were worried and we knew you’d want us to make sure she was safe,” Calum explained, making sure to use ‘we’ and bring the other guys into this, keeping the suspicion off himself.

“Yeah,” Ashton nodded and then shook his head, clearing himself of his thoughts. “Yeah, no. I-I’m glad. She’s been okay right?”

“Oh yeah, she’s been awesome! I think she’s annoyed with us coming over so often,” he forced out a chuckle, his eyes peering behind Ashton in search of any sign of you but to no avail. “So you been working on any songs lately?” Calum quickly changed the subject. Music was his go to.

Ashton’s smile got a little bigger as he nodded. “Just wish I had a drum kit or somethin’. You know my therapist said drumming is a great alternative to drinking, so I think I really need to finish soundproofing that office at my place. And maybe we can all get back in the studio and record some stuff.”

“Yeah man, that sounds awesome. You think we’re ready to start album number four?” Calum asked.

“Hell yeah!” Ashton’s swearing earned him a few dirty looks and he shot the people a quick apologetic smile. The talk of music had Ashton’s smile never fading and he went on and on, about the songs he had been writing, the beats he had come up with in his head and his plan for a tour. The conversation was blossoming until Ashton spotted you walking with one of his therapists and he completely forgot about Calum, jumping off of his feet and sprinting to you, engulfing you in a tight hug.

You didn’t hesitate to hug him back, your arms wrapping around his neck as you stood on your toes to reach his height. You missed the warmth that radiated off of him and the way his chest heaved against yours as he took deep breathes. Being in his arms again brought you back to when he first held you like this, just minutes before departing for Japan, Luke, Calum, and Michael anxiously awaiting their band member to join them. You cried as he was about to embark on a 7-month tour and you’d only be able to see him a handful of times in that span. But it’s what made your relationship grow stronger. Neither of you gave up, and as you recalled that time, you knew you and Ashton would get through this bump (quite literally) in your relationship.

“Baby,” he whispered into your neck and you could feel the hot tears against your skin as he held you. A few tears of your own slipped out and you pulled him impossibly closer, his hand rubbing soothing circles on your back.

“I’ve missed this.” Your breath hitched and his grip tightened.

“Me too,” he hummed.

He was the first to pull away, his hands resting on your lower back as he took in your appearance; he removed one hand to brush away the stray tears on your cheeks and tuck a lock of hair behind your ear before pressing a kiss to your forehead. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too,” you sniffled, letting out a small laugh as you glanced him over before pulling him in for another hug.

---

Ashton barely moved an inch from you the entire time. He was always touching you. If his body wasn’t pressed right up against yours, he had a hand on your knee or your lower back or wrapped with yours and comparing the size of your hands together to make you both laugh. He talked your ear off about what he’d been learning and how he couldn’t wait to get home and see you all the time. He showed you songs he had written, performed some of the beats he had come up with and every few minutes he mentioned how much he loved you.

And you never wanted to leave his side.

“I love you,” you managed to say between kisses, prompting both you and Ashton to laugh. “I can’t wait until you’re home.”

“Me either,” he grinned as he walked you to the doors. “Nine more days.”

“I’m really proud of you,” you whispered, your eyes beginning to well with tears.

Ashton cupped your cheeks in his hands, urging you not to cry. “I know you are. I’m proud of me too.” And as he said that, a few tears rolled down your cheek, Ashton easily collecting them with his thumbs. “I love you, so much.”

It was a lingered goodbye until finally, you were walking out the double doors with Calum commenting on how happy he was that you decided to see him and already planning out when you’d see him next.

---

The pain woke you up first. The pressure in your lower back and stomach, radiating throughout the lower half of your body jolted you from bed. You took a few shaky breaths, trying to adjust to the darkness when wet warmth spread through your pajama pants.

You darted to the bathroom, screaming in terror as you pulled your pants down, the crimson color staining the grey underwear you had worn to bed. The screaming didn’t stop but soon turned to tears. You finally took a seat on the toilet, bottoms still around your ankles as you sobbed uncontrollably.

“Y/N!” Calum yelled, his hard steps pounding against the wood floors. “What’s wrong? What happened?” When he found you in the bathroom, he stopped mid-step, his own face paling as he took in the sight in front of him. “Stay there,” he commented, his voice quivering. “D-Do you want me to call 911, or should I drive you myself?” The question struck fear in the both of you, and you ultimately decided to call an ambulance.

You had no hand to hold in the ambulance, the EMT’s refusing to let Calum go with as he wasn’t immediate family or your partner. They tried to assure you that you were going to be okay, but the words went in one ear and out the other. They hooked you up to IV’s, your entire body feeling numb, not minding the needles piercing your skin.

They did allow Calum in the room with you, up until they took you back for an ultrasound and further scanning. The bleeding had stopped but the pain was still there and had now migrated to your heart, like a metastatic tumor spreading throughout your entire body. The tears had ceased for a second, but the fear still lived present.

Calum paced the floor of the hospital lobby not even minding the looks as he kept his phone pressed to his ear, praying that someone on the other line would pick up. When they finally did, his voice shook with fear as he spoke. “My name is Calum Hood. I need to know if I’m able to check out Ashton Irwin tonight.”

(part 8)

Tags: @asht0ns-world @therainydays4 @mysticalhood @cxddlyash @coffeewithcal @oldschoolashton @tothemoonmikey @hemmomfg @jpgcal @cashton-queen @calumamongmen @comingcalum @glitterlukey @valentine-in-my-quinjet @nina-gzmn @mrs-blythe72 @kinglyhood @nostalgia-luke @tothemoonwithclifford @ivealwaysbeenleaving @honeybunash @songforhema @you-of-ghost @ashton-ma-bestfriend @soulmatecashton @lukescherrypie @irwinkitten @calumspeachy @bumblebet20 @hopelessxcynic @softboycal @sincerelycalum @darthrogers @cal-pal-cuddles @whydoistilllovethisband @naivelystan @elliejdavis @skinnyanxxiety @norawashere-blog1-blog @zuni181336 @rachaeljayne15 @satan-i-guess @jane-ofalltrades @prwciousporter @melliandme @moonlightxdancing @astrosashton @bigdirtycliffo @lonelyclownclub @too-many-lanes @violentvents @elle-28 @itjustkindahappenedreally @ashxirwinn @sillyoldbear29 @canterburyfiction @amxngmen @abitloudforanaccousticset @drummerboy794 @geek-gurl24 @Chubawupwub @hugs2forever @xx-cuddlemecalum-xx @antiguini5sos @nine-butterflies @blue-skies-are-alright @mymanz @saintcalums @disasterhood @calumsgirlcrush @smrttrtl @lashtonchesthair @cocktail-calum @sgfgclifford @Vimme11 @britnicole11

Want to be tagged when I post a fic? CLICK HERE!

If there’s a strikethrough on your name, it means I can’t tag you! Go here to fix it!

328 notes · View notes

tumblunni · 6 years

Text

Man when i was a kid i always used to hate "the hero's journey" cos it was invented by a guy with the same surname as me and MAN i just hated how my primary school english teachers were all "uhuhuhu yeah EVERY STORY EVER fits PERFECTLY into this template EVERYTHING is predictable and if you point out that we're squashing stories into boxes they dont fit in and giving detention to anyone who disagrees then WHAM BAM U GET DETENTION TOO"

But apparantly the original writer didnt really agree with that stuck up "every story follows my magical tropes" nonsense and even calling it "the monomyth" was added by modern scholars instead. So ehh i feel a little bad for how much i hated this thing.

BUT STILL

Seriously

All of this stuff is so fucking vague you can claim its in every story even when it isnt! And whenever any story doesnt really have one of the steps these people find some sort of contrived thing to squash into that box cos mannn we're not even allowed to do the steps in a different order i guess??

"Hey yeah literally anything can be Crossing The Threshhold as long as its a climactic moment of a story. Ha! Gotcha! Every story DOES indeed fit my vague as fuck definitions!"

Waou u hav beginning middel and end. Someone somewhere in the story is older than our protagonist or he talks to them once, thats totally a gandalf mentor. The "call to adventure" and "taking up the sword" can totally be a dude getting a job at a bakery in a slice of life romance. I M SO SMRT!

Sorry man i just get REAL SALTY ok!!!!

Anyway i was just thinking about this cos i was noticing how most of my stories seem to skip the "establish a normalcy and do something to break that normalcy/assign the hero the destined hero role/introduce a villain/make Reason why they are The Only One who can do it" bit. Like even when my stories do contain someone who used to live any different sort of life before this life, i prefer to start the story in medias res when their new life has already become the norm and only reveal the "call to adventure" later on as backstory. And its never really a "call to adventure", ive barely ever had a single character who even has a reason why their adventure has to happen Now. Like even with Beau and Errol whose entire story is about climbing a cursed mountain there werent forced into it by any great destiny or anything, its just Errol personally wanting to confront some of his fears and find answers about himself. And there's no big dramatic reason why he decided it would be today. The closest thing to 'destiny'is just that Beau happened to come with him and it led to them confessing their feelings and dating if you get the good ending. And the recent idea i had for the lich king dads story is that you start off with no idea why the hell youre some adorable human kid being raised by monsters and then you puzzle out the backstory as you play through the plot. But with 90% of it being slice of life totally player controlled choices of different sidequests in any order you want. Like those are the main focus and the "hero's journey" is just an optional bonus thing that already ended decades ago that you can unlock in any order. And there is gonna be some current day plot and some sort of villain just cos honestly this "every story has to do the thing" pressure made me worried that people wouldnt be interested in a series of cute fluffy family stories unless there was a villain. But still there's literally nothing here that could be stretched into "establishing normalcy and something breaks it to start the plot" "the hero finds some sort of destiny" and etc. Well i guess you could say there's a mentor cos theres like fifty of them and the entire point of the game is found family??? But most of them arent even mentors its more like a "sometimes adults dont know what to do either" kind of thing and everyone just works together to conquer their various problems with each other's help. Kid protag's main role is Person Who Brings Everyone Together and they dont really have anyone training them in that. Lol i guess maybe you could stretch that into their "innate destiny power" that was "magically awakened" when they got dads...?

Anyway the point im trying to make is that those are two ideas i came up with without even trying to intentionally subvert the hero's journey. Its really not some magical universal thing that applies to every story, and you cant just brush it off as sayibg all exceptions were intentionally made to break the rules so they dont count. The only damn time i ever thought about the stupid hero's journey is when i was getting self concious about not fitting it and that stupid old primary school instinct made me wanna change my ideas to be more "normal" :/

And OH MAN dont eveb get me started on the three act structure!!! Another case where a decebt "hey this is a guideline for how to maybe start storywriting for beginners" thing turned into a weird elitist EVERYONE MUST DO THE THING just because now its old and goddamn Classical(tm) english teachers got a hold of it. "Having a beginning middle and an end is a basic framework but maybe you wanna throw in some subplots along the way?" Into NO ITEMS FOX ONLY FINAL DESTINATION levels of stupidity...

Seriously i feel so bad for these old scholar guys holy shit i never knew that EVEN THEY DONT AGREE WITH HOW THEIR WORK IS BEING TAUGHT

...lol maybe i should do some sort of meme where i try and cram my stories into these cliches and see which ones dont fit/which ones i have to really stretch for?

2 notes · View notes

zoemurph · 7 years

Text

to have a friend, chapter six: $136

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

i was gonna hold back on posting this but im impatient. if you thought this was going to be subtle in any way you should know ive never been subtle a day in my life. please read the end notes chill thank you

warnings: depression, suicidal thoughts, small mention of blood (in the past)

enjoy!!

Connor has made a lot of mistakes in his life. Sure, everyone does, but most people aren’t as giant fuck ups as Connor is.

Right now, at the very top of his ‘what the fuck were you thinking’ list, is letting Evan Hansen fall asleep on him.

He wouldn’t have pushed Evan off of him or anything like that, he’s not a monster, but god. He regrets letting Evan stay like that for almost three hours. Curled up against him and breathing gently and looking all calm and at peace while he slept. His hair had been ridiculously soft and he smelt like pine and—

Connor covers his face with his hands.

Evan fell asleep on his shoulder almost two weeks ago and it’s literally occupied so many of Connor’s thoughts that he’s going to scream.

The universe is really fucking cruel. Of course he’d develop a painful crush on the guy that he’s paying to pretend to be his friend. Hilarious.

He’s been trying to keep it subtle. Under wraps. Don’t smile too much at Evan. Don’t laugh too much. Don’t touch him. At all. No physical contact at all whatsoever unless Evan initiates it first.

There has been a few times where Evan has looked up at Connor with a smile and Connor has actually thought he was about to combust. And then he had to go to AP Literature and pretend his heart wasn’t about to explode.

Alana Beck had given him a weird look when he walked into the room. He’d sat down and buried his face in his arms and pretended he was tired.

So yeah. Connor might have a minor crush on his fake best friend. No big deal. Shouldn’t be a big deal. He’s had crushes before and handled them fine. This shouldn’t be any different.

Except it is.

It’s different in every way. He starts every day at Evan’s locker. He eats lunch with Evan if they have the same lunch hour. He smiles at Evan in the hallway and Evan waves at him with a grin that Connor pretends isn’t fake because it hurts less. He ends his day at Evan’s locker. On Wednesdays, they go to the computer lab and print out Evan’s letter for his therapist. They plan their hang outs softly in the hallways, because Larry could still be checking Connor’s messages, even though Connor changes his password every two weeks. Connor texts Evan about anything. Random things. Random facts he finds online that Evan replies to with his own random facts.

The difference is Evan.

Evan is so many things. It’s a never ending list that Connor keeps adding to mentally because he loves to torture himself. And it hurts, because he’s so many things that Connor will never actually have in his life. He’s not sure how long he can actually keep up this fake friends thing. Purely because of the money. He’s starting to run out of his own money and has been slipping money from his mom’s purse or Larry’s wallet whenever he gets the chance, but it’s still risky.

Not that Connor won’t risk it for another few hours with Evan.

It’s kind of pathetic. It’s definitely pathetic.

But has Connor ever been anything other than pathetic?

Connor stares at the ceiling. He couldn’t sleep. And now he’s awake. At four in the morning on a Monday. He’s awake at four in the morning thinking about a boy with a heart stopping smile and a dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose.

Connor doesn’t actually know if he’s ever been gayer than he is in this exact moment in time.

Eventually he just gets out of bed because what’s the fucking point of lying around. A tiny part of his mind thinks ‘hey you could do homework right now’. Connor laughs at that part of his brain and grabs a sketchbook off his desk.

He actually managed to clean up some of his room. Some of his clothes are now in drawers instead of covering his floor. But he has succeeded in finding a bunch of empty sketchbooks, from back when he thought he was going to be drawing a lot more then he ended up doing.

He might have run out of purple in his watercolor palette, but at least he has about six empty sketchbooks that he can fill with garbage.

Connor puts in his headphones and sits on the floor, leaning against the edge of his bed, and draws mindlessly. He sort of lets the music inspire him, but he also just draws whatever comes to mind. He vaguely remembers someone once saying that he should draw interactions between people in his sketchbook, so he makes an attempt to not just draw a bunch of busts facing three quarters to the left.

He finds a random highlighter under his desk. He stares at it for a second before uncapping it and randomly adding neon yellow wherever he feels like it. Because it’s his sketchbook and he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

He’s still drawing when Zoe appears in his doorway.

Connor pulls out an earbud and looks up at her. “What?”

“Was just going to wake you up,” she says flatly. “Guess I don’t have to. Get your ass down to breakfast. We have to leave early today. Band.”

Connor rolls his eyes and closes his sketchbook. He tosses it on his bed. Whatever.

—«·»—

“You okay?” Evan asks when he joins Connor at the locker.

Connor shrugs. “Tired.”

“Is that all?” Evan furrows his eyebrows and there’s a crease in his forehead and Connor looks away.

“Yeah.” He is tired. He can feel his sleep schedule falling out of place, and it’s not just Evan. That’s not a good sign because then he has to reset it and that’s fucking annoying. “Here,” he says, holding out a ten. “My half for the pizza.”

There’s a second before Evan takes it. “You know I can’t eat all that pizza by myself anyway.” Connor thinks he might be trying for a light tone, but it seems forced.

Of course it’s forced. They aren’t actually friends, Evan just puts up with Connor.

Connor clenches his jaw.

Maybe the first thing on his list of mistakes should be asking Evan Hansen to be his fake friend.

—«·»—

Connor leans against Evan’s locker as he waits. Weird how much of his life revolves around Evan now. He’ll decide if that’s healthy or not later.

“Sup, dude,” Jared says, walking up to Connor.

Connor nods to him. He’s too tired to deal with Jared, but he’ll do his best. But only for Evan.

“Seen the acorn?” Jared asks.

Connor tries not to grimace. “Not since lunch.”

“Hello.” Alana joins them by the locker. The small hallway is getting crowded. “Are you waiting for Evan?”

Jared and Connor exchange a glance.

“Yeah,” Jared says. “How’d you guess?”

“This is Evan’s locker,” Alana says.

“Oh.”

“Why are we waiting for Evan?” Zoe asks.

Connor rolls his eyes. Where did she come from? “There was no ‘we’ here. It was just me.” He shoots a glare to Jared.

Jared scoffs. “You can’t hog my best friend.”

Connor raises his eyebrow. “Best friend?”

“Am I not bringing you home then?” Zoe asks, crossing her arms. “Because I don’t have rehearsal and I’m not waiting.”

“I’m good,” Connor says. “I’ll figure something out.”

Zoe makes a face. “Okay. Have fun.”

Alana turns and watches Zoe vanish into the crowd of students. “Zoe does a lot.”

“So do you,” Connor points out. “Did you need Evan?” For some reason, he doesn’t want Alana or Jared here. He wants Evan by himself. Because he’s a selfish asshole.

Alan shifts uncomfortably. “Not necessarily. I just wanted to say hi.”

“Hi,” Evan says.

Connor turns to see Evan behind him. Alana lifts a hand to wave.

“S-sorry for making you wait,” Evan apologizes.

Connor steps aside to let Evan into his locker. “It’s fine,” he promises.

Evan glances to Jared. “Wh-what’s up?”

“Just checking in on my…bud.” Jared awkwardly punches Evan in the shoulder.

Evan stares at him. “I’ll tell my mom,” he says after a moment.

“Cool cool cool chill.” Jared runs a hand over his hair. “Nice.”

Connor squints at Jared. “Are you having a stroke?”

Jared flips him off.

“How— how are you?” Evan asks Alana. “We haven’t, um, really—”

“Talked?” Alana interrupts. She shrugs. “I’m alright. Yourself?”

Evan glances to Connor. “Okay. Did you— were you just saying hi?”

Alana rocks back on her heals. “I actually had a question about student council? Or two. Either way it should only be a minute of your time!”

Evan blinks. “S-student council?”

She nods. “If you don’t mind! I actually have to run to make a poster but if you want to talk tomorrow—”

“Talk now,” Jared says, butting in. “I’ve got you, girl, I’m a master at illegal photoshop.” He points his thumb at himself. “Tell me what you need and I can get it to you in like fifteen.”

Alana eyes Jared suspiciously. “Are you sure?”

Jared scoffs. “Am I sure? Do you even know me?”

“Yes.”

Evan bites his lower lip to hold back a smile and Connor has to look away before it makes him smile.

Jared scowls. “Seriously, I’ve got you. It’s not hard, it’s some fucking text and a clipart picture. I’m not busting out inDesign or anything. Chill, talk to Evan, meet me in the computer lab when you’re done.”

Alana looks at him for a long moment before she says, “Okay. I’m trusting you.” She pulls out a notebook and quickly writes down instructions. Connor watches her write in fascination. He doesn’t pay enough attention in literature to know her handwriting and it’s a lot less neat than he thought it’d be. There’s a dramatic tilt to it and the letters loop and blur together.

Alana tears the page from her notebook and hands it to Jared. “Do what you can while I talk to Evan,” she says seriously. “Don’t send anything to print until I okay it, besides, we need the vice principal’s signature before we can start hanging these up. Don’t make this harder for me.”

Jared rolls his eyes and folds up the paper. “I get it I get it. I’m not five. See you losers. And Alana. See you in a bit.” He shoots them finger guns before turning and walking down the hallway toward the computer lab.

Alana looks at Connor.

Connor looks back.

Evan looks at Connor.

Connor gets the message.

“See you later, Ev,” Connor says.

Evan gives him a small smile. “I’ll text you.”

Connor hums as he walks away, doing a little salute to Alana as he turns.

Now what the fuck to do? He doesn’t want to go home yet and he doesn’t have a heavy enough jacket to go to the playground. It’s the last week of October and Mother Nature decided a bit of ice was needed before Halloween. The temperature keeps dipping below freezing and it’s some bullshit.

He glances back over his shoulder to see Evan and Alana at the end of the hallway. Alana is gesturing as Evan nods along. Connor’s stomach twists and bitter thoughts start to cloud his mind, but he shoves them away and focuses on the boringly beige color of the lockers. One after another. Exactly the same.

He finds his feet bringing him toward the computer lab. Even though it’s Monday, not Wednesday. Even though Jared is there. For some reason, the computer lab is the most comforting place in this dump.

That’s fucking depressing.

Connor shoulders the door open. Maybe if he sticks around in here Evan will show up with Alana. Or something.

So much of his day should not be devoted to thinking about Evan Hansen, but here he is.

Jared is sitting at one of the computers, bag on the floor and feet up on the table. He has a browser and about thirty tabs open. He chews on a pen as he types.

Jared glances up at Connor. He lowers the pen. “The fuck do you want?”

“Bored.” Connor kicks one of the chairs that’s not pushed in. “Why do you care?”

“Bored without Evan to harass?” Jared mutters.

Connor furrows his eyebrows. “What the fuck did you just say?”

“What do you think you heard?” Jared asks. “Cause it’s probably exactly that.”

Connor scoffs. “Okay. Nice one, douchebag.”

“Oh, shit, name calling!” Jared spins away from the computer and glares at Connor. “Are we name calling now? Is that what we’re doing?”

“I’m not harassing, Evan.” Connor crosses his arms. “Can’t say the same for you.”

Jared rolls his eyes. “I’ve known the guy for like twelve years, I know what the fuck I’m doing.”

Connor grits his teeth and digs his fingers into his jacket. “Do you? Do you really?”

“What?!” Jared snaps, standing up. “Do you have something you want to fucking say to me?”

Connor laughs sharply. “I have a few fucking things to say to you.”

“Go for it, bro,” Jared throws his arms out, “no one’s going to stop you!”

“Do you really think Evan is your best friend?” Connor is surprised that those are the first words out of his mouth. They taste sour and feel like acid. His insides are being eaten up by vicious venom and he’s drowning in bitterly cold thoughts.

“I’ve known him since we were five,” Jared says.

“And I’ve known Zoe since she was fucking born,” Connor snaps. “And she would be happier if I were dead so I wouldn’t hold us up as a great example for friendship. That’s not good enough.”

“Okay, okay! You think you’re Evan’s best friend?” Jared counters. “Because that’s bullshit. That’s bullshit and we both fucking know it. Because I know what this is and it’s not friendship.”

It isn’t and that hurts more than anything Jared could ever say to Connor. More than anything anyone could say to him. More than things Zoe has yelled at him, more than what Larry has spit.

More than things Connor has told himself when everything was dark and there was no way out.

Because it’s so fucking easy to pretend. To pretend that this is real and tangible and not— not what it is. Fake. A lie. A fabrication. Something that could be torn apart at any moment. It’s been two months, but it’s nothing more than a web that Connor and Evan have crafted. Nothing actually ties them together.

Connor is still lost. And Connor is still alone.

He almost chokes on his words and their bitterness. “You can’t get mad at me when all you’ve done for years is be a shitty friend,” he hisses.

“At least I’m not paying him and pretending!” Jared practically yells.

Connor digs his nails into the palm of his hand and he is so glad he and Jared are on opposite sides of the room. He has so many things he wants to yell or scream and just eject into the universe.

None of them can make it to his throat.

“Oh fuck you,” he snaps, spinning on his heel and storming toward the door. He throws them open and stalks down the hall, trying to breathe and stop the spiraling.

Before the doors shut, he can hear Jared shout, “Fuck you!”

—«·»—

It’s bitterly cold outside and Connor can’t feel his hands.

He goes to the playground. He sits on the top of the jungle gym and stares at the overgrown field. He remembers when they played bad games of soccer and tripped on the ditches in the grass. He looks at the parking lot. Old and forgotten. Cracked and run down.

There’s the pothole where Zoe dripped and fell on her face. She bit her bottom lip when she fell and cut up her face and was bleeding everywhere. Connor had been called down to the nurse’s office while the school called their mom because Zoe was hysterical. The blood was actually kind of cool (Zoe would think so too later when she wasn’t in pain) but Connor sat next to Zoe and held her hand while she cried and the nurse cleaned up the blood.

Connor sighs and pulls his knees up to his chest.

The more time he spends here — the more time he spends here when he isn’t high — the harder it is to not think of the memories. To not think of times when things weren’t constantly garbage.

Like the sewer grate a few feet away from where Zoe fell. Everyone used to say there was an alligator living down there. Everyone would gather around it and throw rocks inside, any rocks that would fit, to feed the alligator. Because a rock eating alligator living in the sewers made sense to a group of first graders.

Everything makes more sense when you’re a first grader. You say you’re going to marry someone because your friend wants to marry them and then you get in a fight because you can’t both marry the same person and you spill juice all over the place and learn how to add numbers together using shitty timed math tests.

When Connor was a first grader his biggest problem was usually what his mom packed him for snacks.

Now it’s a game of ‘is today the day I just fucking jump off a bridge or what?’

Unfortunately, jumping off a jungle gym built for seven year olds probably won’t even break his arm.

And now he’s back to Evan.

Connor wants to laugh. Or scream. Or tear his hair out. He is nothing to Evan and somehow Evan is almost everything to him and that is as fucking pathetic as he can get.

Instead he just bites down on his wrist. It doesn’t even hurt through his jacket, but it’s something to do. Something other than just—

Screaming on an abandoned playground.

People don’t typically give a shit but also someone would probably call the cops.

Jared wasn’t right but he also wasn’t wrong. And Connor wants to violently rip out the part of himself that likes Evan Hansen. The part of him that turns to mush when Evan smiles like that. The part of him that keeps cycling back to Evan’s hair, Evan’s eyes, Evan’s freckles, Evan’s voice, Evan’s laugh—

Connor wants to destroy the parts of himself that like Evan.

He would have to destroy all himself.

He bites down harder on his jacket and tries not to think. Thinking can only hurt more.

Evan gives Connor a worried look the next day. Connor meets him by his locker, just because it’s what they do. If it were up to him, he would be at home. Asleep. Or in the library. Asleep. Or reading. Or not…here. Not with Evan. With his polos and his smile and his hair and his eyes.

He got his cast off almost a week ago, but it’s still strange to see Evan with two bare arms. And for Evan to not have Connor’s name scribbled on him like some five year old got a hold of a Sharpie. Connor is both relieved and misses it.

It fucking sucks. But what doesn’t?

“You didn’t answer my texts last night,” Evan says slowly. “Everything okay?”

“Fine,” Connor grumbles. He lets his hair fall into his face because it means he has to see less of the world. And maybe it looks scarier or something. He wants to be left alone today. “Sorry, I fell asleep.”

He’s not lying. When his body was so cold that he thought he was going to be unable to move, he climbed down from the top of the jungle gym and walked home. The heat in the house made his skin tingle as he warmed up and his mom tried to talk to him but he just shook his head and went up to his room. He pushed everything but his comforter off his bed and went to sleep. He woke up around eleven, made a quesadilla in the microwave, ate it, watched YouTube for four hours, woke up, and stumbled into the car so Zoe could drive him to school.

It hadn’t really occurred to him to check his phone. Wasn’t like he had friends or anything.

Evan chews on his lip. “Okay,” he says softly. “Just like… Um, talk to me? If you need to?”

Connor meets Evan’s eyes and his heart leaps to his throat. Evan needs to stop…all of that. Especially the concerned look in his eyes, like he cares.

Evan is a good actor.

—«·»—

They have lunch hour together on Tuesdays. Usually Connor sits with Evan.

His head won’t stop spinning.

He hides in the back of the library and tries to do the assignment for literature. He reads the same paragraph four times before he buries his face in the pages. Hot tears prickle the corner of his eyes.

Fuck.

He should’ve skipped. He should’ve stayed home. He should’ve done anything else. Other than be here. This is bad, school is bad. The only thing worth it would be Evan, but he’s avoiding Evan because his mind is awful but his mind is right.

Alana gives him a worried look when he sits down in literature. Their class only has fourteen kids, but he still sits in the back in silence unless the teacher asks him specifically a question.

Today, Connor changes his seat.

He sits in the back corner. More isolated than usual. His head hurts, probably because he forced himself not to cry because he hates crying, and his brain keeps twisting into something darker and darker.

He looks up from his arms when a book is put down on the desk next to him.

Alana doesn’t say anything. She just puts her backpack down on the floor and spreads out her pens before she opens her notebook up.

Connor watches her write in her tilted looping letters for a moment before he puts his head back down.

—«·»—

Zoe has rehearsal. Connor walks home.

He doesn’t stop at Evan’s locker. He should. He really fucking should.

If anyone talks to him he’s going to snap. He’s going to break and yell and— he can’t.

He has a plan for when he gets home. Steal a loaf of bread from the kitchen. Maybe the butter. Go up to his room. Sit in bed and eat bread. Pass out. Wake up whenever. Eat. Go back to bed. School? Whatever.

His mom isn’t in the kitchen when he unlocks the door. Good. He grabs the least offensive loaf of bread from the cabinet and a random third of a stick of butter from the last time Cynthia baked and a butter knife from the drawer. He climbs the stairs silently and goes to his room and wishes that he had a door. He pulls out his laptop and opens a random YouTube video and lets it fade into background noise as he eats bread.

Fucking life.

He’s on his third slice when the doorbell rings. Connor looks down at his bed and accepts his fate of a lifetime of crumb filled sheets. The doorbell rings again.

“Mom?” he shouts.

There’s no response and the doorbell rings again.

“We fucking get it,” Connor mutters. He puts down the knife on his desk and climbs out of bed. He takes his time getting to the front door, hoping whoever is there will just go the fuck away. He frowns when he sees Zoe in the window. She meets his eye and flips him off.

“What did you forget your keys?” Connor asks as he opens the door.

“No, dumbass, but you forgot your friend.” Zoe jerks her thumb over her shoulder toward her car. Evan is standing by the passenger side door. “Nice going, dipshit,” she mutters shouldering him roughly as she passes him to get into the house.

Connor glances over his shoulder at her before looking back to Evan.

Evan is just staring at him. He doesn’t look like he’s going to move any time soon.

Conor sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Okay. Okay.

He pulls on his shoes and shouts to Zoe that he’s leaving the door open. She just sort of yells back at him and he figures that’s enough. Then he steps outside and walks toward Evan and, probably, death.

“What’s wrong?” Evan says as soon as Connor gets close.

“Nothing is wrong,” Connor says.

Evan scowls. “I— Come on, I know you better than that by now. We’re— We’ve…” He shakes his head. “I-I thought about it. A lot. I was worried I did something wrong. I went through everything I’ve done in the past two days— the past week. A-and I had nothing. You’ve been acting— Alana came to me asking how you were because of something that happened in lit so just…” He glares at Connor. Connor’s been trying so hard to not think about his eyes. “I told you to talk to me.”

“You aren’t my therapist, Ev,” Connor mutters. “You don’t need to hear this shit.”

“I’ll tell you if I can’t handle it,” Evan says with more confidence behind his words than Connor thinks he’s heard before. “But I told you to talk to me and you— you’re just isolating yourself. That’s not going to help.”

Connor tugs a hand through his hair. “Seriously it’s just— it happens sometimes. It’s not a big deal we don’t have to make into one.”

Evan crosses his arms. “Okay. Fine. If something is wrong, just tell me that. Tell me things are shitty. That’s all you have to say, because I get it. Tell me when you aren’t okay, don’t just be a dick.”

That’s a hell of a promise to make but… “Okay.”

Evan nods and pulls his backpack on. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I just… Figured we should talk than sooner than later.”

Connor looks from the car to Evan. “Do you…need a ride home?”

“I can walk,” Evan says. “I have sch-scholarship essays waiting at home for me. I’m not in a rush.”

“You wouldn’t be bothering Zoe,” Connor says softly. “I’ll take you.”

“I thought…” Evan trails off.

“I know where my license is. Larry isn’t as good at hiding things as he thinks.” Connor turns back to the house. “Stay here, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Connor ducks back inside the house. “Zoe I’m stealing the car!” he shouts, grabbing her keys from the bowl by the door.

“What?!”

He goes back to Larry’s office and digs through the files in the bottom desk drawer until he pulls his license from a manila folder.

Zoe stands at the front door with her arms crossed over her chest. “What are you doing?”

“I’m driving Evan home.” Connor tries to push past her, but Zoe pushes right back.

“You aren’t allowed to drive.”

Connor holds up his license. “Get fucked.”

She narrows her eyes at him. “Did you break into Dad’s office?”

“There was no breaking and I live in this house, so move and let me take Evan home.” Zoe stands her ground. “I’m not high, Zo. And I know how to fucking drive. It’ll be fifteen minutes, the world won’t end.”

Zoe closes her eyes. “I… Just pay attention. Be safe. Don’t crash or anything.”

“Yeah yeah I’ll protect the car,” Connor mutters. “Stop being Mom.”

Zoe grimaces. “Okay. Drive him home. Whatever.” She steps to the side. “Not my fault if Dad grounds you for life.”

“Who cares.” Connor closes the front door on her. Evan looks up from his phone as the door slams shut. Connor holds up the keys. “Get in.”

“When was the last time you drove?” Evan asks, climbing into the passenger seat.

“God it’s been months.” Connor opens the door. He’s going to have to adjust the seat and mirrors and that’s going to piss Zoe off big time. “It’s probably like riding a bike or something.”

Evan nods slowly. “Okay… I think that’s reassuring?”

Connor rolls his eyes as he moves back the seat. “I’m not going to crash.”

“I didn’t think you would,” Evan says honestly as Connor buckles in and starts the car. “The biggest thing I’m worried about is you hitting a curb or forgetting the turn signal.”

“Fuck turn signals.” Connor flicks the turn signal down before he turns right out of the driveway. “Shit.”

Evan laughs.

Unlike Zoe, Connor doesn’t always listen to music when he drives. He’s perfectly fine driving in silence, even though it makes her want to scream. She hated it when he drove in silence, making it a point to always have headphones on her in case he had a day where he wanted to drive without music on.

It gives Connor time to think. Sometimes that’s harder with music on.

As they sit in almost weirdly comfortable silence, Connor glances at Evan out of the corner of his eyes. Evan is playing with the hem of his shirt and staring ahead at nothing.

Connor sighs. “I’m sorry. For today. And yesterday.”

Evan glances over to him. “…thank you. It’s…okay. I just want to know if you’re okay.”

For some reason it’s hard to swallow. Connor clears his throat. “So did you bribe Zoe into giving you a ride?”

“I-I stayed after for a little bit to talk to Alana,” Evan murmurs. “And then we passed the band room and I saw Zoe, s-so I thought…” He shrugs. “She might’ve thought it was weird but she was fine with it.”

“She wasn’t too much of an ass, right?”

“What do you mean?”

Connor adjusts his grip on the steering wheel. “You know… She didn’t ask too many questions or anything?”

Evan shifts uncomfortably. “I-I mean… She was— it was fine.”

Connor decides he’ll interrogate Zoe later. “Cool. How’s Alana?”

“Very busy,” Evan says seriously. “More student council stuff.”

“She trying to recruit you?”

“Uh…not exactly.” Connor raises his eyebrows as Evan worries his bottom lip. “She had an idea for a club she wants to start next semester and uh…wants my help with it.”

“You?” Evan winces. “Shit, no, I didn’t mean it that way,” Connor backtracks. “I just…you don’t do many extracurriculars or anything so it’s a surprise. Does she want you on the board or something?”

“Yes.” Evan coughs. “She… Yeah it’s, um, I-I don’t know if I’ll do it yet but I… Helping her start it up? I can do that. That doesn’t require much so I’m…okay with that.”

Connor nods. “Cool. I hope it’s…fun.” He ignores the twisting in his gut.

“Did Alana talk to you?” Evan asks suddenly.

Connor glances to him before looking back to the road. “No? Why?”

“Oh she just…” Evan gestures with one of his hands. “At the beginning of the school year we were talking about something and she wanted to talk to you about something and she said she was going to— I mean she had a question for you and I told her that maybe it wasn’t the best idea and, well I mean, she said she was going to ask you anyway so I just wasn’t sure if she ever did or…”

“She didn’t,” Connor says slowly. “What was the question?” He remembers Alana asking him all sorts of questions when he came back to school after his attempt. He also remembers ignoring them. He’s pretty sure there were a few times when he just walked away.

Evan goes quiet. Connor stops at a stop sign and looks both ways, pausing for longer than he usually would because drivers on this road don’t give a fuck.

“She wanted you to tell the student body your story,” Evan blurts out.

Connor is really glad they’re at a stop sign. “What?!”

Evan pulls on the collar of his shirt. “She— Um, she asked if you would be, or if I might be interested in um— Because of the stigma around mental health and suicide that maybe it would— I told her no.”

Connor closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Thank you,” he says after a moment. He opens his eyes and looks to Evan. “Seriously. I don’t… No one else needs to know that shit. My story— no one wants to hear that shit.”

“I think that was her point,” Evan says softly.

Connor meets his eyes for a second and then looks back to the road, pressing the gas. “Not my story,” he repeats. “I don’t want or need that kind of attention.”

“I know.” Evan sighs. “I was really worried that she— Alana can be, um…persistent.”

“Tell me about it,” Connor mutters. He turns into Evan’s driveway. “Here you go, Hansen.”

Evan gives him a weak smile and unbuckles his seatbelt. “Thanks. I’ll text you.”

“I’ll text you back,” Connor promises.

Evan lights up and Connor shoves his heart back into the darkness of his chest.

From: dickbag To: assface we have to talk

From: assface To: dickbag fuc k u

Connor rolls his eyes. He can’t even believe he’s trying but he is and Jared is being Jared.

From: dickbag To: assface right back at you but seriously. today

He leans against Evan’s locker, flipping his phone over in his hands as he waits for a response. He might not give a shit about Jared, but for some reason Evan does, so he’s going to try to fix this. Because that’s what a good person would do.

Connor’s lived too much of his life in the gray zone. Gray thoughts, gray clothing, gray morality— he can do one nice thing if it’ll make Evan happier.

From: assface To: dickbag y should i

From: dickbag To: assface evan

From: assface To: dickbag fuck off where??

Connor rolls his eyes.

“Hi,” Evan says, arms full of textbooks. “Band?”

Connor nods. “Yeah. Something about an audition or something? I don’t know, she wanted time in the practice rooms and I don’t have a say in anything.”

Evan gives him a crooked smile. “I don’t think being here a little early is too bad.”

Connor looks back down at his phone with a shrug.

From: dickbag To: assface computer lab evan will be there for a little bit we can talk after he leaves

From: assface To: dickbage fine but still fuk u

Connor really should’ve just blocked Jared’s number as soon as he got it.

—«·»—

“Jared!” Evan says in surprise when him and Connor walk into the computer lab. “W-what are you doing here?”

Jared looks up from the computer. “StuCo stuff for Lana. I guess this morning the council decided to change some of the info on the posters so,” he gestures to the screen, “here the fuck I am.”

“Doesn’t Alana have people for that?” Connor asks as Evan pulls out his laptop.

“Her people don’t do shit. Does this picture look bad?”

Connor squints at the screen. “It looks like bad clipart.”

“Perfect.” Jared saves the document.

“Sent,” Evan says. He shuts his laptop. “I’ll be right back.”

Connor nods to him.

Jared coughs awkwardly as Evan leaves for the printers.

When Evan comes back with his letter in his hands, he glances between Jared and Connor. “Everything…okay?”

“Super chill,” Jared confirms, clicking randomly on the poster.

“Jared is shit at choosing fonts,” Connor says.

Jared flips Connor off and Evan smiles. Win.

“I have to go,” Evan says, putting away his laptop and pulling on his backpack. “My, um, my mom is actually bringing me today so?” He gestures over his shoulder. “Yeah. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Whatever,” Jared says.

Connor glares at him before saying, “Yeah sure. I’ll text you.”

Evan bounces on his toes before he leaves the room.

Connor turns to Jared with a raised eyebrow. “Fucking smooth.”

Jared keeps his eyes on the screen. “Uh huh.”

“You’re a giant asshole, you know that, right?”

Jared pushes his glasses up his nose. “So are you.” He closes his illegal photoshop and spins to face Connor. “Here we are. Two assholes in a computer lab.”

They stare at each other for a long minute.

“You told me to be here,” Jared points out.

“Fuck, you’re right,” Connor mutters. “Okay. I’m..sorry.” Jared whistles. “Shut the fuck up. I’m not sorry I called you a dick because you are a dick. And you’re a bad friend. Like a really shitty one. But I’ll apologize for yelling.”

“That was a horrible apology,” Jared muses. “But fine. I’m sorry I said you were harassing Evan. But I still think what you’re doing is fucking…bad? I don’t know it feels bad. It’s a bad plan.”

“You told us that and still helped.”

Jared spins in the chair before standing up. “Okay, yeah. I did. But honestly I didn’t think either of you would get invested and—”

“What do you mean?” Connor interrupts.

Jared searches his face. “You know…?”

“No?”

He sighs. “I thought this shit would last like a week, okay? And now we’re getting into more long term usage instead of the eight days I had assumed.” He pauses. “You’re using him.”

“Yeah and you pretend to use him.” Connor crosses his arms. “Are we really so fucking different?”

Jared runs his hand through his hair. “Just two guys, being dicks to Evan Hansen. We should probably be better about that, huh?”

“Probably.” Connor holds out his hand to Jared. “Truce?”

Jared raises an eyebrow. “Not friends?” he asks as he shakes Connor’s hand. “Okay. Truce.”

#connor murphy #evan hansen #tree bros #convan #deh fanfic #to have a friend #my fics #ayy

41 notes · View notes

lycanrox · 7 years

Text

yeah i do things wrong. i dont know what the fuck im doing though. when i hurt people, i dont know that i do unless they say anything. if i dont have guidance for what i do, i dont know how to do it. i dont know how to be a good friend. i thought ive changed but apparently “i havent”. i used to treat everyone like shit, yeah. i used to think i was hot shit. i wanted to be cool but i wasnt. i didnt know who i was. not to blame alters or anything but half the shit from way long ago was wolfgang. yeah i fucking hate it but ive said that before and everyone excuses it. tbt to when **** said i was faking did to hve exuses to be shitty! while in reality i broke down every fucking day because i didnt feel normal or right. i still, to this day, barely know what i did wrong. i know i said some shitty things. i know you didnt want to be in that relationship with me. i felt like shit every fucking day beause i know that. you broke up with me, why didnt you keep it that way? you were the one who came to ME asking for me back. and you still continue to tell me im awful. you talk shit about things i cant fucking help as a person. you tell me and other people i used you for sex. yeah fucking right. remember the first time you tried to do shit wifh me? where was the fucking consent? you didnt ask me if it was okay, you didnt ask if i was ok. remember the time i was literally sobbing when you went down on me and you didnt fucking do anything? i know you knew i was not okay. do you remember when i told you i wasnt okay with being dominant because i was forced into it in a Serious Abusive relationship? yeah and you continued to make me feel like shit about not pleasing you. you made jokes about me fucking you and it was uncomfortable as hell. why would i stay with you for sex if you made me feel like shit every time i actually tried to fuck you? you made jokes about how bad i was and i have no stamina. i cant fucking help not being able to do things because of trauma. i. have. ptsd. i in no way compare you to a****** and you fucking know that but you continue to act like i demonize you. you pressured me into sex, you made me feel like shit when we had sex, you embarrassed me about it outside the bedroom when i begged you not to, you manipulated me into feeling like shit all the time, and now youre just talking shit about me. i havent made one post about you since i put those reciepts on instagram. also stop trying to excuse the fact you put your fucking hands on me. "gently pushed" my ASS. you thought it was wolfgang so you were rough. i opened my arms to come hug you, i was a good length away, you couldve said "dont touch me". but yoh know what you did? you shoved me and then said "dont. touch me." not to mention the fact that you literally did punch me in the crotch just a few days ago. "it was a joke" OK. that doesnt exchse it. it wasnt light, it wasnt playful. you know i fucking flinch when you even throw the ball for my dog. excuse me for being fucking scared. why do you try to make me feel like shit even after this is over? i told you in the end i wanted you to be happy. and i genuinely mean that. i hope you find someone you dont have to abuse and blame. i hope you realize what yohve done. "i self harmed because of you" bull shit. i didnt self harm for fucking months until April, now. i went to cutting like three times a week because i felt like shit because of what IVE done. you made me feel like ive done shit wrong. "out of context reciepts" my ass. He guided me through our conversations, and She read through them. they both say the same shit i do. last night, with one of OUR friends, one youre graduating with, said "i knew he was abusing you. i saw it from the beginning". i used to fucking love you and adore you. i know im not good at showing it but i gave up because having you over all the time, buying you food and other misc things, cuddling you, making out, having sex, writing you letters every week, drawing you shit, none of that was enough. you barely ever thanked me for the shit i did either. i spent hundreds of dollars on you, wait no, i wasted it. im sorry i was never good enough for Aiden Standards. i talked so highly of you for so long. but recently you know its gotten bad. i dont know what i did to make you hate me so much, you still dont tell me. none of the shit you say makes sense. see right now, im not blaming my mental illness on shit, as you are. bpd isnt an excuse to harm people. you say you became evil because i was your fp and you stole my personality. when was i ever fucking evil? i didnt treat you the way you treated me. maybe two years ago to the time we talked in early 2016, i was bad to you. i admit that. i tell you im sorry all the time. i didnt know any better. all ican do is apologize because yeah i do feel like shit about it. i didnt treat anyone right and its because i didnt know how to act. im rude to people still to this day because i dont know how else to show people my affection. im not good with communication, affection or empathy. every time i show a single symptom of being autistic, you use it against me. fuck you. nothing i do is ever going to be good enough, oh i am so so sorry dear king aiden, i am not a good enough prince for you. eat shit dude. i did things wrong but i didnt abuse you. im never going to lie that ive been manipulative but i apologize for it and try to fix it. ive never intentionally tried to hurt you. unlike youve done to me. you cant ever deny it, i have plenty of examples. not that im going to tell you though, as weve both blocked each other on everything. youre a terrible person, aiden. ive done everything i can for you. one day youre going to find someone you dont have to treat like shit. we dont even talk anymore but you vague me on your blogs as if im the abuser. im happy without you. oliver would never treat me the way you treat me. they would never put their hands on me. they wouldnt ever try to manipulate me or make me feel like shit. yeah a lot of this is on me for being sensitive but you dont know the extent of shit ive gone through. and i dont know yours either, but i dont push (haha) you like youve pushed me (haha). why are you even here? why are you reading this? i check on your blogs because surprise surpise i care about you and i always have. im not stalking you, i just want to make sure YOURE Ok, even after all this time. i hate you, but i care about you. no matter how shitty you are. fuck you. fuck you. nobody can deny how awful you are. the only person to ever excuse your actions is my mom but guess what? she fucking abuses me too. fuck you.

#lms #abuse 838 #self harm 256 #self harm 994

2 notes · View notes

throwingideasatthewall · 3 years

Text

The Clone Wars Duchess of Mandalore

Season 2 Episode 14

......

You know I want to believe this is going to be an episode focusing on Duchess’s actual character . . . . But the track record of writing female characters (Never mind blam ing trauma for their personality )

Doesn’t leave much Good Faith Or trust . . (especially how often their Characterization gets to Ret-conned. to fit the episode,)

(Padme turned into a nag, Ahsoka In unchildlike abomination that goes with a plot needs her to)

Duchess;

From Relat iv-ely Reas On Able Leader . . . Turned exquisite and Ex- - cess -ive (Pe tty)

Con trast- With Semi- Constant Smart “laziness” avoidant Obi-wan And “Do It Sky wal -ker-

I don’t expect this to stick

(Al-ways the female characters,”

Any. Way

And war, truth is the first casualty,

[It’s actually accountability but good try]

Deluding them selves of the goodness usually comes after the bad action

Any way.

The terribly designed ship

(I’m sorry but that thing doesn’t even look even slightly aerodynamic)

(The shark ship at least had that)

[it was one apparent smoke bomb and she wasn’t allowed to do anything to try and fix it,]

But sure... let’s go with that . Allies

[Never got a feel for that and one dude was always snarking at her,] No shit

everyone can see that

And it was one dude

[They haven’t heard of this yet]

[This plot- isn’t very good]

Right - ok now they’re im-portant-

Sit and and wait

As Duchess makes her case that this is just one splinter group that she can handle

Some thing you wouldn’t think would need a trial

[Only becoming a problem when it affects other people]

[suffering from the Luminara problem, where if she doesn’t meet up to high unreasonable standards. In an unreasonable amount of time (Little) Instantly lambasted by her colleagues. With the nar-rative showing no signs of painting this is wrong Or the fact of the male characters can feck around screw everything up, And that isn’t considered serious

[Narrative’s a Cheater. .)

How long

These are actual good evil minions

(No this could actually be good with them becoming something like the clone troopers to the, Darkside

Making up for a lack of human faces in the ranks up to this point,

Establishing that while they may be the instigator of tox, Actions are about ~now~ Less abhorrent than the Empire’s / Coun- cil-

‘the Plot,’

Completely irrelevant

(And stupid)

Relying on everyone being a complete un- accountable- Idiot.

Great plan you got there Dooku,

How’s Duchess’s explaining that’s-not-at-all-what-happened-and-we-don’t need a foot hold and all security, going?

Like you think he’d be more mad Considering what seems like the only plot, Intercepting the vehicle in transit, Failed horribly,

Unless, the guys didn’t tell him - And he still thinks they have Duchess -which would make sense...because of course they sent troops for the lost foreign leader

(Would’ve been a good episode for both of them)

(Not sure that would cause a riot though-)

(-Which would make sense if Obi-Wan was the last one they saw around here- Thinking, that a Jedi captured their leader,

]

But I’m getting ahead of myself let’s focus on the actual plot. .

Whoa rows

To Coursant

I thought you just said to . . .sit still and leave.

What? ...

What

Oh so we’re focusing on another cliché plot instead of the actual characters

(*Note; Cliché As in a badly established already done plot . . . There’s nothing wrong with doing repeat plot so long as you do them well

What you bring into it is the fun part (Ideally)

Aight?

How?

They’re just there

Also yeah you already know that there there you already know what they’re doing you still haven’t done anything about it

So?

[I was about to say where is the courier guy but he’s dead]

R.I.P shortly lived villain Killed off for a shitty written romance-

-He deserved better

Whatever

Why

[i’ve seen that image multiple times but I never realized the city was in the ball

[also how is this the palace where several important officials meet And the nice forest is supposed to be this mining hell hole

The environments- They’re-

So yeah we know it’s there, but like last time we’re not going to do anything about it

[like I said Saltine did get back at some point and everyone’s logic was just ok let’s go complain to the council for no reason,]

[I dislike this logic)

Why?

Just...? Why

Also yeah who’s in charge while she’s away?

I mean we’ve already got like a lot of senators’ sus

What?

Things Happen Ing

Also yeah palace right back to the way it was,

I guess it was a smoke bomb. .

Right?

You left the Boomer in control?

Also, so yeah I’m surprised he didn’t run out to be a mastermind either

Like, yeah That can happen

But given the “legacy and proud of everything thing,”

You’d think he’d be the main target

[Makes a lot more sense than Random Sen ator #4

And he was the only one in that hallway with Obi-Wan-

During their argu- ment-

Prime Minister- It Makes Sense -

You found the deathwatch armies - isn’t hard - It was like five guys last time

Now just like them, you have allowed, the situation to get worse

Good job smart guys.

Battle

Really because they seem like the same group of nerds

What?

??...

Deathwatch will never be strong enough

Yeah, no shit

Guess you shouldn’t do anything stupid

[how long until something stupid happens?]

Beyond the normal . . .

Here

Seriously how does this plan make any sense?

Jedi- come here - everyone- Loses their shit

How? - like I know it be unpleasant to have some guys stomp into Your House

But there’s literally no need for that..

Considering the situation isn’t out of control

And Satine should be fully capable of handling the situation

- And telling the Senate to feck off

- And don’t tell me he’s doing this because she’s passive because he’s been everything but passive in defending her passive beliefs,

[Something not really elaborated on]

Stop

NOT BE AN IDIOT!

Also,

[I really don’t like this plot it makes no sense,”. ]

Whelp-

Fuck-

That Got Dark-

[but possibly make sense if this is how she sees members of the republic, As a dark brooding force that will hurt everyone if she’s not careful,

Significant deadly threat

How?

They- smoke bombed one building

[That’s juvenile]

[The situation is not out of control]

In the narrative’s attempt to over blow this isn’t done ,correctly

You need to have self aware ness.

Bumper cars

Good

[Also you had to come to the Senate to say that]

(This could’ve been an email)

Or a photo op/ State -ment-

Duchess why did you come here you knew they were going to pull this shit

Like this helped nothing

And the narrative,

What was a good situation that was supposed to come out of this?

You stand before a council of people who decided to fight, saying I don’t fight

[ and these are toxic people mind you]

There was no way this is going to end up good;

And I don’t.. know what the narrative?

Padme?

Also what is with the weird bumper car rules?

Because it seems like anyone can come up at any time and ask any question?

[Like, how is that not chaos?]

Wo rking under toxic assumed authority. .

“People-

‘ I call to the stand Obi-Wan (Kenobi) and Anakin Of the Jedi order, to provide testament,”

That’s all that had to be said..

On top of;

“My government will submit to peace keepers actual peace keepers - Un-armed- For Eval -uation,’

That would make sense

And work off Satine’s Ad- vers Ion- To Obi-Wan, and the Jedi Council,

True

Dick,

-Jedi

Yeah, she didn’t reject, she allowed the Jedi to do a full investigation,

Also as brutal as the scene is, it is a good show of you reap what you sow and enablers turning on a enablers

Even though Satine should’ve known better than to argue peace with a war council...

Obi-won says nothing . . .

Fuck You (Good)

Bad Ass

Lots of politicians speaking,

Wait-

Dick-

Appro priate-

Ser-iously touching someone without their consent?

Dick entitled move.

Spec. Ifically.

After he stood by and watched that happened - Senate - Yeah cause you were there and you did nothing

Better;

Saltine calls Obi-Wan as a witness (Both Obi-Wan and the others. (Anakin) standing watch over her home planet

They failed to respond due to being in the middle of some thing

Or just distracted

This makes looks Satine Look extremely bad, That Jedi are not Re-sponding On her home planet

The vote gets passed

Satine is more than distressed

When Obi-Wan Coms her In

They argue, Satine Sni,pping. A. Bro-ken Promise

“You said you’d be there for me (This Time)]

“You’re never there when I need you,”

“You’re never there when it matters most,”

With that, the conversation ends

Satine possibly getting ready to defend herself against the republic

Coming to invade her home

Im-bittered Sweet

Didn’t help at all but okay,

We’re friends

Good

[To be fair the romance was so forced, that friendship is honestly best,]

Ah, Lady, You just got a friendship last block,

No need to act surprised.

Nothing More

Good because there was no chemistry between you up to this point,

State of mind

....

What?

What state of mind?

...

She’s fine!

Yeah she over reacted to the dude

But - got everything together when it mattered-

THANK YOU!

That was an asinine statement

Hysterical

No they wouldn’t be

That isn’t a compliment.

That’s Invalidation.

Dick Obi-Wan

Point!

So much

point in this!

I am so

pleased..

(Though

regular,”

I only -

Gas-

lighting

“I’m-

Yes!

Mhm

This is some

Bomb ass tea

De-licious

(I just realized my phrasing of words I’m so-)

It’s good is the point

(Doesn’t it make up what happened in the previous episodes,

But, Makes it easier to forget . . .

Accoun- tability - Is the word you’re looking for (The character, not the writer,”) They’re doing good . ... You live with a child groomer (Are One)

Does make sense. Obi-won closest to the problem (Groomed specifically in benefit of it) Still sad that they just gave up

Even if he does have a point That Two generations have essentially grown up Anakin and their time as the present is over

Bit too late to have a regrets

(Only when it screws you over..

Not the future generations)

And...

My sympathy is officially gone (Not the storytelling’s fault, I think they work -ed this conversation pretty well - Just the facts to narcs arguing - Still made me think about what exactly what was wrong - That’s good (narc)Con versation,

Any way,

I love this song

Obi-Wan gets roasted for all his bad behavior 2.0...

It’s nice

Crusade

This Convo was good

(It made me feel better about all the times the writers used cheating tactics)

*Not for giv-ed

just- better

[That expression- was concerning]

There

Aight

That- Was-

Chilling

[You just spent the whole time getting yelled out for his deeds, just continued on, emotion less]

The “respectable” kind (Approp-riate for an adult)

Aight

[Oh- no are they going to have the Obi-won rescue her and that proves that all her opinions are wrong?

Not actually; she made some really good points

But in the narrative treating?

(I don’t want to see that)

Okay, whelp,

Coursant has the worst security ever,

How?

Damn Frick

Is a bad day for her,

Filed

Some random dude hijacked your car

Who are you going to sue?

Bitch

Queenie, dude’s obviously an asshole

Leave

Also if there was no proof then why aren’t you charging her for vandalism terrorism, etc?

(See his logic is bullshit,)

also this is a good example of obstructive bureaucrat . . .

Or avoidant

Because how do three people nearly dying not constitute as proof?

[Like if she died.]

Also, what’s the plan if she did?

Like; Oh yeah deathwatch is such a threat that they killed a senator

Those dudes don’t care

They only pissed at her because she’s a pacifist coming into a Offensive summit

Accident

[she accidentally drove her car. [Yelling at the villain]

Not what she said

This dude could give Obi-Wan a run for his gas lighting,

Whelp

Fuck Off

Oh yeah the council of war mongers will really respect the pa- cifist

No bias here

None whatsoever

Satine

Hey at least this time he had the common decency not to grab her-

dick

Oh yeah defender of the gaslight-ing committee she’ll definitely help

Worry You

Don’t give into the gaslight-

Also guilt tripping

“ i’m afraid on that account,”

No,

Dick

Valid re-ac- tions

Shit-

“Victim blaming” (Toxic blaming)

Pretty sure they’re all enablers at this point

Tox-

Ma’am

Leave the ball of tox known as Obi-Wan

Man has turned from a garbage fire to a gas fire,

Coursant

Yeah, you should leave,

Also, That Moment,

You are one of them.

You’re not backing down

👉 This Not,

Con

Don’t listen to Obi-Wan He sucks

Also none of the guards are going to zap him for touching their queen unannounced? - - - Friends

You’re not her friends

You’ve been nothing but a dick

Gas lighting

Nope

Tox.

[like listen to that ag-gressive tone, How he’s holding her

Tox

[Still good on the animators who did that scene, Very good work,]

Occ-upation

Shit

Happen

Oh Shit-

Obi-won distracted her?

Aight

Meeting

What

How-

Hm,

Wait- Huh

[this is some kangaroo Court logic

It’s Good.]

Before

“Relying on the Republic is a mistake,”

Yesssss

More Acc- Toxic initiative (Since there’s no to little way they end this) Based on circumstance only (No different sources)

Any-way Um

Okay

Right Just Vibin’g

Aight Whelp,

Am I?

Oh is that the Senator guy?

Death watch?

Also- okay

Al- right.

Wait What?

Hm?

Green

We know two greens And one changeling That should be in custody-

Wait- ?

What?

? ? ?

EXPLAIN

Who-

What

At-

This was a pretty a’ight episode

(Trust me I wish I could give it higher praise)

However the unfortunate clankiness of the introduction

Keeps it stubbornly between a decent and good

With that being said;

That does not take away from the fact that is a ____ whatever it is

-it has good characterization for Satine

- it handles heavy morals like enabling, tox, abuse and pro- blems With Assumed Autho rity- Includ Ing Police Bru- tality And Fram -ing Very Well

(With the appro- priate dignity it deserves,

[there’s a small bit of better done romance/ fond-ness, near the End]

*Villain was neat

[More of sidious and on the [Main] villains

There were few Moments that Made Me Go Wtf (Obi Wan’s Abuse Of The Word “Saw You,” The Insist Ence That Death Watch Was In Tim i- dating

As For Fix -ing;

Episode; Instead of to defend, Wise Saltine is called To ident ify a Death Watch Member- Or Re New Her Neu- Trality Pledge In Person (Due to Change ling (Over Lap) Attack

Episode Pro Gress Es

Arc Fixes;

Obi- won delivers news, that he’s supposed to escort her Pers On Ally, �� Saltine expects everything to go over swimmingly after all she hasn’t done anything wrong, Quickly find out otherwise, Loyalty over her vs the government

Leads to a small break (Episode continues as normally)

(Death watch- if want)

Fix Arc Continue; (Note no offense to the author meant I just started some thing and I should finish it as an accountable writer)

Satine Is Forced Into Either Defend Ing Or Leaving Anakin To Her Irate People, Soon After Obi-won’s In- Cid ent Pri med

Hope Spot Or Depres. Further. Push Ing Ana -kin’s Dec- Ision To Snap) End

[Generally I thought this was a pretty ____ episode, the animation and set design will really good/ On par and it seems to have made up. (Corrected) A majority of flaws I had with previous episodes . . . Moving On...

0 notes

asksansweredpdf · 5 years

Text

These are actually solid questions

1. First thing you wash in the shower? my hair

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? i can’t stand coffee. and alcohol might as well be my blood at this point

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? haha noooo. he was nice but i felt literally nothing. was like kissing a brick wall or something. tbh i never feel much when i kiss boys

4. Do you plan outfits? YES. i’m a drama queen and a diva and flamboyant and i need to look good always. i have my graduation in 2 days and i still haven’t planned what to wear and it’s bothering me

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? tbh pretty numb. like not happy and not sad. just. .... chillin

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? my track pants

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? well with the mood im in now, i probably wouldn’t react. but the logical side of my brain would kick in and i’d phone it in to the police.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? it’s still that one about the creepy old dude touching me in the car.

9. Three of your current feelings? -introspective -apathetic

-wistful

10. What are you craving right now? tbh i would very much love to hug my stuffed pink harold. but he’s downstairs and i just don’t have the energy to walk haha

11. Turn ons? not rly in the mood to answer these

12. Turn offs?

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? this vine

14. When was the last time you cried? Why? idk like over a month ago. i had to work a thursday night shift which is always super stressful. and that day my sister just started beating the shit out of me so the anxiety was like double

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be? ironman. any day. or spiderman because it’d be fun to just swing around the city listening to music peacefully

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? nope. she doesn’t even know that i know about half the shit she did. never ever apologised about the stuff she knows i know about. no acknowledgement. no apology. just pretends it never happened

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it

18. Favorite movie ever? idk i like frozen and pride and prejudice and the hunger games

19. Do you like yourself? i like myself, but i can’t seem to justify why. i don’t really have an identity. i don’t know what i’m like. and so it’s hard to like myself when i don’t know what i like about my self, or why i do. but i enjoy being myself.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? i met stan walker once? he’s a minor celebrity in australlia

21. Could you handle being in the military? part of me would thrive in the structure and forced exercise and socialisation. another part of me would completely crumble because like i have anxiety

22. What are you listening to right now? i don’t give a ... - missio

23. How many countries have you visited? india, america, canada, australia. so 4 i guess

24. Are your parents strict? you betcha

25. Would you go sky diving? sure yeah. i’m afraid of heights so the adrenaline would be wild

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? nah. i dont give a shit about him. maybe i’d go if he paid for the food.

27. Whats on your mind right now? literally nothing. mostly thinking about endgame. i’m also thinking about taking my mum’s anti anxiety meds since she doesn’t use them and i have anxiety. but i don’t want to take them without professional advice. but also, i am a professional advice. and like what could happen? i’d get mentally ill?

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone? nah i dont really feel like talking atm. i guess i’d ask if they wanted to go for a smoke. i would love a cig rn

29. Have you ever been in a castle? no but i would love to!!

30. Do you rent movies often? not really, i just watch stan/netflix

31. Whats your zodiac sign? cancer sun, leo moon, libra rising

32. When was the last time you had sex? i haven’t had sex

33. Name five facts about yourself. i honestly don’t think i know enough about myself to do this but let’s give it a go -i have short hair -i love music more than literally anything -i turn 21 this year and i have no idea what to do for it -i’m thinking of getting a motorbike soon -i’ve never broken a bone

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened? nope

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? i used to. and i absolutely would love to believe in all that stuff. but not to sound angsty or whatever, i’ve had so many shitty things happen to me that it’s hard for me to believe that it’s all part of some big plan or that there is any justice in the world. i think people just do shit and that’s it

36. Brown or white eggs? ive never had white eggs so..... brown?

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? nah we dont have it in australia

38. Ever been on a train? yeah man i love trains

39. Ever been in love? not mutually, no

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? it’s a million bucks. absolutely. one night of terror to never have to worry about anything ever again. i’m a witch too so as much as i’d be scared, it’d be fine.

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? someone rich and famous. maybe harry styles or freddie mercury. i’m sure they didn’t have it easy, but it’s certainly easier than things have/ever will be for me you know?

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it? absolutely

43. Whom do you admire and why? i tend not to admire irl people. but i do admire tony stark a lot (GOD this is so lame ksajrsjkfs). i admire his charisma, his confidence, his humour, his good looks, his intelligence, his eyes. he embodies everything i feel like i can never be. but everything i’ll always want to be. i admire freddie mercury. for his work drive and ethic. for his confidence and stage presence, his ability and talent in singing, songwriting, musical instruments. his flamboyancy, his sense of humour. again, these are all qualities i would love to have.

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? oh i never really got read bedtime stories

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? internally, i’d be like “that sucks for you” and walk away. but i can’t be a dick, so i’d assess the extent of the fire and see if there was a way to save the baby. i’d try if so, if not idk what i’d do. panic and call 000?

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? nah man. gotta let kids live their lives

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: the night i just moved out of home 2 weeks ago. my roommate invited a friend over, and we all had fun and played never have i ever and i flirted with this really cute guy and had so much fun. i hadn’t really had any experiences like that before because i was - anyway. it was nice to feel like a normal 19 year old just for a second weed: either the time i was drunk and high at our housewarming party and went to the park and felt like i was on a fucking rollercoaster, or the time i got super cooked after work and had a shower which felt amazing and then went back to my room and listened to beautiful people beautiful problems. i didn’t hallucinate per se, but i closed my eyes and could like see the lyrics “blue is the colour of the planet from the view above”. it was like i was in outer space and could see the earth and i was so relaxed and it was so magical mdma: my halloween party! there were so many people and no one knew i was high and we had a mad dance party and i met some of our neighbours and i just had so much fun talking to everyone and Living.

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: being around boring people when drunk is boring. especially because when i’m drinking i really want to have a good and fun time. weed: ahh i have anxiety so i used to get a few panic attacks when i was smoking mdma: eugh it was my friends 21st at the time and we took mdma and i thought it wasnt kicking in because all we did was sit in bed and talk. literally so boring. im so mad that i wasted my first time like that

50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? nah, i’d probably hand it in to the police. actually, i dont trust the police so i’d probably google what to do with it. but probably police because i cant have stolen money or give it to someone else.

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? not hanging out with someone because of that has literally never even crossed my mind

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? nah. i’m actually going places now days

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? tba

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? nope

55. If you could live forever, would you want to? yeah probably. i’d like to give it a trial run though. i’m very anxious, so being lonely and immortal might make it worse. but at the same time, being immortal might make it easier to not give a shit and to be less anxious

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? honestly i feel like jane villanueva or peter parker

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? i would love to be a victorian bitch with a bomb ass dress and waist

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? probably not. unless it was someone i really hated, i wouldnt give a shit

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? i mean i wouldn’t be the best person for the job, but i also wouldn’t be the worst. if i could have time to properly study politics then yeah i’d consider.

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? i’d probably want a girl but i dont really see any reason to not have a boy

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? be wealthyyyyyy

#mine

0 notes

knight-gwaine · 7 years

Text

i keep talkin bout you bc youre my only real way of measuring my progress. you were the best and worst. yesterday or honestly whenever, i made posts along the lines of some shit like you suck ass, which ya do, but if you got your life together we could be friends or sum. but i mean. that’s a concept. what i’m realising is that every day, i’m getting further away from you. and that is a GOD DAMN BLESSING. i say all these nice things but thats for the fake fun and great version of you that exists in my head as just a comforting thought when i feel like thinking about love. but damn, i keep forgetting until i really think about it that, i literally am so fucking happy to be away. i am so happy we never have to be friends again and talk and shit. because you /seem/ cool, especially when we barely talk but if i had to actually deal with you. id rather punch myself in the god damn face. also wow it sucks that id still be down for your dick bc you be lookin like a god damn mess like eww??? i barely /actually/ see you and then when i do i realise oh yeah this b for real aint shit. like i wonder what he is actually getting done w his life. and okay, any progress is great. like if you on your own are trying. great. thats fantastic like im proud of you. everyobe works at their own pace. but in terms of me being friends w you. nah b, you lame as fuck. i aint got time for that. i have been meeting waaayy too many incredible peoole this year and have done waaay to many incredible things to be settlin for someone like you. idk dude. i see you. i hear things about you. i see the shit you do and say and i know you cant judge someone really unless you really get to know em or whatever but sometimes peoples social media and their friends can say a looooottt about them. a lot. and i do not. ever. wanna. fuck. w. you. HEEELLL NOOO.

as much as i wish for myself to never speak of you again and all that. i dont think thats going to happen for a long time. three years is a long time. even if this one seems to have lasted forever, three years is longer. and thinking back on all of it helps me realise how much ive progressed. and how much i keep progressing every day. i literally can only remember one. one. bad day. through this whole year. only one. maybe two? i remember one bad moment? but ive only ever had one bad day.

it is such a feeling. to finally. be free. all my emotions are controlled by me. i never feel depressed and alone on a cloudy quiet sunday. i never feel dreary when its pouring rain out. i never feel affected by the mundane weather. because i have done so much and i honestly will never stop. because what is the point in not trying to have fun and live your best life every moment of your life? fr that one song by anderson paak, i aint never comin down. i spent too much time bein scared and believing i was incapable and antisocial and no one likes me or whatever. but how do people get rid of their fears? you go out and face it. i feel like i can do almost anything now, im not gonna lie. like, if i really want to. because thats genuinely all it takes. if you WANT to do something, you will find a way to do it. so you will succeed. if you WANT to, even if theres everything stopping you, you find a way around it. once you realise that, nothing fucking stops you. i say this same old stuff over and over again but it just took me so long to learn and you hear about it but you never believe it. i still am amazed every day by how my life is now.

i have met some of the most phenomenal and successful people this year. i never would’ve thought first of all that they would even like me or want to talk to me but you would be damn well surprised by people’s kindness. growing up sheltered and being called annoying, dumb, and all other things, you end up believeing no one will like you its just automatic. this year, got to become friends with my favourite people that i always wanted to hang out with. i got to befriend amazing artists and photographers that are huge in my town. everyone who meets me automatically wants to be my friend. even strangers?? random people that sit next to me in class. doing leads you to meet people. and meeting people leads you to doing. its a fantastic cycle if you think about it. life is never boring. i appreciate all the small little things in my life so much more now. everything. if you arent happy with your life, find a way to make yourself happy. you arent stuck unless you give up and stop trying to change yourself. these. are the reasons why i wouldnt want you back in my life. my life is too phenomenal now. my life is too fantastic for you to be in you wouldnt fit. plus, i think im way too positive for you now. and i unapologetically love myself and every aspect of who i am now and i am constantly working on bettering me that i feel like itd just be too much? id be obnoxious to you i feel like?? and youd be boring. you would be boring. i like your interests. i love hearing what you have to say about music and movies and weird random facts but. i also dont trust you to be a good person. after all that you did too, nah. i dont need that negativity. it would be outrageous for me to believe we are connected in anyway. i hope. i mean this in all honesty with my whole being. i hope youre happy w your girl or whateva bc i want you outta mine. she better be takin fuckin care of your dumbass though i stg. i dont care when my boys get w other girls as long as i know their taken care of. vasya when he got w chelsea? immediately got over my crush for him and was happy af bc she was better than me. max, if he gets w anyone aside from cheyenne i will beat his ass. that b better fuckin be pushing you to strive for the best. she better be pushin you to realise your worth and what youre capable of and pushin you to try new things because LIFE IS TOO FUN TO NOT GO OUT AND HAVE FUN. COOK SHIT TOGETHER. GO HIKE. GO DANCE. DO SHIT. GROW UP. THINK SMART.

i fr dont know what the point of this post is im really out here just writin whatever comes to mind. bc one day i’m gonna go back through all my personal posts and ill remember how my life was rn and ill be like damn. that shit was sick as fuck. life was lit as fuck. tbh i think i was just really shook by that photo of you. ive been writing gay shit bout you for a while and then i saw that and i was like OH FUCK ABORT MISSION THAT B UGLY AS HELL AND HAS NO LIFE BACK OUT BACK OUT and now im here. straight shook. yeah. i dont want you in my life. my life is way better without you. i really am an unstoppable force right now. school is a motherfuckin one. friends are fucking precious and successful amazing wholesome human beings that are also out here doin the motherfuckin most im so proud i love all my friends we are all such successful people with amazing futures ahead of us god im so proud im 😭😭😭 we really out here chasin our dreams n shit. aND SUCCEEDIN. and money situation is L I T. ya baby’s got a fine ass mercedes w the best dad in the world getting me AUTOSTART for this cold winter???? ya baby be workin out and doin yoga everyday, abs comin in HOT. ya gurl developin as an artist with her dream school hittin her the FUCK up for her portfolio?? i am a for real artist now but i refuse to realise my big stuff. only sketches for now, dear world. the public eye doesnt need to see me as an artist yet. no. because they always will bc its always me. but no. i gotta act chill. this isnt the artist years of your life yet. you aint settled down yet no. now is time for fun, life, school, that grind 😤😤, and ecology. BE THAT SICK ASS SCIENTIST BITCH. BE SMART AS FUCK AND SAVE THE EARTH.

2017 got three more months left. i already know that im gonna have the funnest fucking time. fam is leavin for xmas and my sister’s moving out?? ff got house parties like wild?? EVERY MONTH??? northern lights are comin out??? you dont have to wake up early for school so you can go chase them??? A N D YOU HAVE A BUNCHA FRIENDS NOW TO GO WITH??? AND WINTER IS COMING SO THERES GONNA BE MORE EVENTS INSIDE TO GO TO??? AND MEET PEOPLE?? AND YA GETTIN MORE HIGHER PAYING JOBS WITH HELLA TIPS??? YES. i said i was gonna make 2017 my bitch. boy the fuck did i and i am gonna end it with a muthafuckin bang.

#personal #way to hype myself up for the rest of the day

0 notes