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‘twas nice...

I’ve moved platforms! Low & behold, my (free) website linked here :)

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Ktravels / Klife: After a year in korea Final Thoughts

Foreword: Surprise, surprise, procrastination got the best of me for quite some time. But im back. And for the last time. At least for the last time regarding my year-long study abroad experience in Korea. Here lies the last bits and pieces of my heart that left behind such a wondrous lifestyle in such a complex country.

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I guess this will be the last of my ��Korean” writings for a while. I think I kept holding off on this because I didn’t want to solidify the fact that my journey abroad is officially over. I guess even being home and everything still doesn’t make me accept reality. All I can keep thinking these days is that exactly a year ago, I was sitting around every day, waiting for my summer to end & for me to hurry up and end up in Korea & I kept asking myself over and over and over and OVER, ceaselessly: “I wonder how my life will change once I live there. I wonder what my life would be like over there”.

And what’s crazy, is that even though I kept desperately trying to grasp that fact so intensely a year prior to today, I still don’t have the answer as I sit here in this seat. I still don’t think I can properly express what my 10 month-ish experience was like. I feel just as contemplative as I did a year ago.

I think ive been holding off writing this mostly because I don’t even know what to say. Why don’t I have anything to say? Hmm.. or more like, I have so much to say that I don’t even want to begin. Because once I do, and then once I wrap it all up, everything will truly be all over. It’ll solidify the fact that my year abroad is all done for, never to come back to me ever again.

I think my final post of my study abroad IG account, the one I posted every single day for, enclosed my immediate, final thoughts and feelings really well. I mean, I literally wrote that on the plane flying home, sooooo…

Maybe I should start with addressing my goals I set for myself before I left, and how those goals panned out upon my return. Very vaguely, one of my main pursuits was to “become fluent in Korean”. Even to this day, im not exactly sure what that constitutes and by my standards, I don’t really know to what extent I wanted to improve based on that statement…. But, I guess I just really really really wanted to practice communicating more and essentially feel comfortable speaking, reading, writing, and listening in this completely foreign language. And I mean even prior to arriving, I had already known how to read Hangul for like 8 years. So in terms of reading, I just got to practice a looottt and just brush up on my speed & precision, I guess. Listening has also never been too much of a struggle: years of pure absorption and drowning myself in Korean in every form possible has taken me this far, to be quite honest. It was never anything intentional, I just held onto more and more words as the years went by. And quite frankly, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for that. I guess my point is that I unknowingly wanted to focus on improving my writing and speaking. Which sounds a bit futile, because what was the ultimate purpose in expanding on these skills? When I cannot even use them outside of Korea? Hm… I didn’t think that far. I just knew I wanted to improve. Or no, I don’t even think I had any real basis before arriving anyway. I just wanted to get exposed to that side of the language and make some sort of progress. Because I enjoy it that much.

I didn’t even know how to write the strokes of Hangul characters properly. No one had ever taught me. For years, for the small words or phrases I might’ve scribbled down for fun or doodled my notebooks with, I just wrote what I knew, like pictures. I still, to this day, don’t know the proper strokes lol. It kinda makes me feel noob, but o well, ive made it this far nonetheless. In terms of speaking, of course, I had absolutely no background. There had never been a chance to practice this skill… in fact, if there were one, if I did speak Korean at some point before going to Korea, I feel like that would’ve been really weird anyway… I wasn’t learning it formally in a classroom or anything, so if I were to try…. To god-knows-who…… I dunno,  that doesn’t seem right to me. There was just never a proper place and time for me to use any sort of spoken Korean, and that made sense. Because I had such a wide range of “skills” under my belt when it came to this language prior to arriving, none of it was… “official”? None of it was ever proper…..? I am not really sure which word fits best, but the fact that I had known everything I knew at that time from pure Korean media absorption, it bothered me a lot actually.

I wanted to learn formally. I wanted to learn properly. So, I didn’t hesitate to take the intensive Korean language course at Yonsei, one that was 4-6pm every day, Monday-Friday, for the entire semester. What I did hesitate with though, very greatly, and a little regretfully, was the level in which I started learning formal Korean. A part of me is regretful, but I think I know in my heart it was the better decision. Speaking Korean with the teacher on the day of the placement test was probably my first time ever really speaking full sentences aloud to someone else & I can sorta recall it with slight embarrassment. Okay not even slight, like a ton lol I was such a nooooobbbb… I still ammmmm….anyway, based on that day’s tests, the teacher deemed me as able to start in level 2. But I rejected him. I told him I wanted to start at level 1. Because ive never learned properly before, I felt the need to start from the beginning. He told me that level 1 would begin with each Hangul character, pronouncing them one by one, etc. He asked if I’d be okay with going over all of that, and I told him it was fine.

My level 1 class ended up being more of a level 1.5 & we went much faster than all the other classes and didn’t even start with the basics that I was originally warned of. But still, quite frankly, level 1 KLI was butts easy and I didn’t even need to study for anything to do well. For that, im pretty proud of myself. I’m not trying to brag, but I’m actually just very glad that my skills I arrived with were at least up to par enough that I could complete 1 without much struggle. What I was most grateful for was that I got out of KLI was a lot of grammar basics. A lot of these structures I recognized and have probably used on my own before, but I didn’t know the rules properly myself, until I finally learned them in KLI. So really, if I didn’t take level 1, I really think I would’ve lost out on that basic foundation needed for learning more advanced things. Granted, I probably could’ve covered a lot of those things in my own time if I searched for the proper resources and had a stronger motivation. But I never did that by myself. So, I sorttttt offfff, “wasted time” in level 1.

The next semester, level 2, was also not too difficult. Some concepts were definitely a bit more challenging and less intuitive, but nothing impossible to understand. Overall, my semester 2 at Yonsei was when my Korean grew to the heights that I had hoped for. If I improved about 10% during semester 1, then I would say I improved 115% in semester 2. I don’t even know what that means myself, but my point is that I had many many manyyy more real life, application opportunities to use Korean. The biggest factor being my participation in Powers, the badminton team at Yonsei, that semester. Aside from the 2729017 other things that Powers influenced that semester, language was a big thing. At some point, many of my teammates considered me the “American that is really good at Korean”, but like, the over-exaggeration is real. Although one dude consistently talked to me in only English for the longest time, once I met beloved 익안언니, that English-only image of me died and I communicated with everyone else the same way they already communicated with each other: in Korean. I know that sounds….like…. idk, not a really big deal. Like wow good for you, you could communicate in a foreign language with these people. But my biggest deal with it was that if it weren’t for me being in Powers, I would not have practiced speaking or expanded my vocabulary or just LEARNED as much as I have. ESPECIALLY meeting 익안언니 was such a blessing. Although she is from Taiwan, she is a grad student studying Korean language and culture which already implies that she is basically fluent in Korean. And me, knowing absolutely no Chinese but at least having half-assed Korean skills, we only ever communicated in Korean from day 1. Since the day we met, the day she came up to me and asked if I wanted to warm-up with her and asked if I was a foreigner or not, and then revealing that shes actually a foreigner, too. That made us automatically click, because we realized we could both speak without feeling wary of sounding dumb or making mistakes in front of a REAL Korean person. Granted, other teammates always heard a lot of our conversations and sometimes joined in, too. The main point was that speaking Korean in that sense, was the best experience I could’ve asked for. Others may think the most ideal would be, y’know, a real Korean person. But, why be picky when the point is that I got to practice.

By the end of semester two, I had a kinda random idea, fueled by a conversation I had with a KLI classmate. She mentioned how she was studying for the TOPIK 2, the intermediate-advanced Korean fluency test for foreigners, and she decided to take it in Korea versus America because she heard it was easier and the 65th one would be held in Korea while she was there anyway. Upon hearing this, I only vaguely knew about this test, I didn’t think it to be that big of deal, yet in my head I knew I was always impressed with foreigners when they would say something like “yeah I placed level 6 (the highest mark) on the topik”. And so, I looked more into the test myself, and I was like hmm maybe I should try it out myself. 익안언니 mentioned that she actually needed to (re)take it too because her score from her last test is expiring soon. So very last minute, we decided to take it together. It costed money, but that was expected. I debated a lot in the beginning whether or not to take TOPIK 1 or 2, aka easy vs hard, but I decided to just fuck it, I just gotta make sure I study for reals and have more faith in my skills lol.

Im glad I made the right decision. I didn’t study as effectively for the test as I would’ve liked, but I did what I could given my circumstances. I was shooting for level 3. I at least wanted a LEVEL out of the test, not a blank score, which is what would be given if you can’t even manage the minimum level 3 out of the TOPIK 2. That test seriously HURT my brain LOL. As you get towards the end of each section, it gets ridiculously hard and there were 2475830 words I did not understand at all and the mere rows of sentences eventually turned into huge walls of text that filled the paper all the way to the edges  and o gosh, just imagine how brain frying those sorts of exams can be HAHAHAH.

In the end, I placed level 5. I was 8 points away from level 6. I was honestly very shocked and to this day, I think I just owe my score to me doing a good job at guessing correct answers, not my pure skills LOL. But above all else, I definitely underestimated myself. I really wanted to take the TOPIK to assess my Korean skills once and for all, definitively. But even after receiving my score, I still feel lost on how to accurately describe my skills. Does level 5 even cut it? Do I even have the right to call myself level 5? I got it though, right? Having drowned myself in Korean for 8 years & taken level 1 & 2 KLI, I was able to be lowkey fluent, I guess.

That’s pretty damn cool. Im pretty damn proud of myself. And yeah, idk, that’s that. LOL. Im not trying to brag about myself or anything. All of that was purely my journey with the Korean language, particularly in the context of studying abroad in Korea for a year. And in regards to my goal, I think I did a pretty good job. I can write long chunks of text without too much problem, I can speak a good amount, maybe not 100% flawlessly, but I can hold conversations, I can go weeks with only speaking Korean, and I think that’s pretty awesome progress that I made towards my goal. If anything, I may have surpassed my anticipations. Cool. LOL

 Another one of my main goals was to travel outside of Korea. Or not even that, just outside of SEOUL. Because as amazing that city alone is, I also knew that there is sooooo much to explore throughout the rest of the country and even in other nations. For second semester, I went to Tokyo in Japan, Bangkok in Thailand, Taipei and Tainan in Taiwan, and Busan, Jeonju, Jeju-do, and Yeosu in Korea. I was very blessed to travel to 3 other countries and hit a few beautiful areas outside of Seoul in Korea, too. Although it was a tiresome experience, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else. Balancing school and travels and other commitments was ridiculously tough. Ive repeated this a lot but: all my snaps and ig updates may have looked like fun and games, but the burnout was real. Traveling with friends isn’t all fun and games.

I learned SO MUCH through this experience: planning logistics thoroughly, dealing with money & currency exchanges strategically, balancing school work, moving things around as necessary, utilizing transportation in various different settings in an effective and efficient manner, familiarizing oneself with the GEOGRAPHY of a place (a really important one that I feel people don’t really talk about), researching attractions from different perspectives & using multiple, varied resources, knowing where to go for help, preparing proper lodging accordingly & communicating with hosts/staff, researching FOOD, too. I could go on and on.

But when it comes to traveling, especially while on a budget bc we are broke ass college kids, the amount of proper communication & discussion & preparation with other members of the group that needs to go into it is no joke. It’s not fun and games, it’s making sure that we know what the fuck we’re doing in a foreign environment so that we can explore, see things, get around, eat, and ENJOY our time safely and efficiently.

SO in that sense, I’m also pretty proud of myself & my friends. Special shout out to Sabrina Sooyoung Wong who was my ultimate travel buddy for (almost) everywhere I went. I already miss the amazing time we had together :’(

Continuing where I left off, I have realized that this writing is taking way too long. The day that marks one year since I left for Korea has already passed (August 21st) & I realized that I was gone for exactly 11 months: Aug 21 -  July 21 (w/ a break in bw ofc) bc I literally landed back in America on the 21st of July, not realizing that the day I left was exactly the 21st as well. And my birthday is on the 21st too. Of Sept..:0 that’s whack. ANYWAYYYYYYY…………

What more do I have to say about this trip, hmmmm……. Ive already talked about my growth through the language and through traveling all over the place…These days, ive truly been trying to relive & recall the worries that shrouded my mind a year ago before I left.

I remember so clearly, constantly asking myself “How will my life change once I go and live there? Will I even be able to make any friends?” People around me also kept telling me that I would “HAVE SO MUCH FUNNNN”, but I recall constantly shutting them down and being pessimistic & telling everyone that I “would just be a normal student studying all the time, just in a different country lol” To address all these predeparture worries, I’ll say simply, thinking back on it now: My life changed SO MUCH, that it feels like nothing even happened at all (ik like wtf??? But lemme explain…), I made friends that I know will last a lifetime, and HONESTLY, I worked really hard studying when it came down to it, but I also made sure to have as much fun as I could. I did my best to balance everything (especially 2nd semester..)

So like, how tf could my life have changed so much that it feels unreal? Well, it’s exactly that. My daily life, the way I went about my daily routine, the lifestyle that I honed, the world that I wrapped myself in, the things I did, the food I ate, just about EVERYTHING about my life in Korea was so drastically different than my life in America, that returning home actually just makes it all feel like a dream, as if it were all a lie. My Korean lifestyle and my American lifestyle are incomparable. They are two completely different worlds. And for that…. I….. yes, I miss the Korean one like crazy every day, but that affection and sentiment for what I had makes my experience all the more precious and just… dear to my heart. Oh so dear to my heart, 나의 유학생활…. I think I kept asking myself the “how will it change” question countless times before I left because I was trying to prepare myself, trying to make sure I don’t throw myself off in the heat of it, make sure I stay grounded in the reality of my circumstances. And although nothing could’ve prepared myself enough for all those specific changes in my life, I think I definitely stayed rooted in mindfulness and never lost sight of the privilege I had.

If I look back on my first semester writings, I always repeated the words “thankful” & “grateful”. I really did my everything to remind myself of those feelings. Same goes for the friends that I met. Particularly my first semester gang, my days spent with them were infinitely bright. I feel like we were all so lost in the wonders of Korea (and Taiwan) and the beauty of just being there, spending time together, having valuable conversations, but also some very dumb ones, and really just bathing in the precious company of each other. It is not every day you meet an amazing group of people as the ones I did 1st sem. I gave yall a shoutout before, but thank yall again for taking care of me, the youngest of younglings out there, and making me laugh & smile more than I could ever recall doing with anyone else. Even my blessed friends from 2nd sem too, sooyoung, antony, Vicky, & 익안언니, I could not have imagined what my life would’ve been with them. My point in all of this? I was so worried about “making friends”, but miraculously, luckily, AMAZINGLY, it all worked out in the end. I am so grateful for that. I got close to some frking really cool people, who I still talk to today, who I still think about a lot, whom I owe a lot of myself to. Even if our collective time spent together was not the longest, even if the timespan of my other friendships are significantly more extensive, the friends I made through studying abroad are infinitely valuable and precious to me at the end of the day. Only stunning memories remain. Our friendships wont end there. They only started in Korea, but I have faith that they will transcend timezones and the years to come.

In terms of just balancing LIFE in korea, I can definitely recall many instances where I felt completely overwhelmed and burnt out. Those days were bound to come from the start. There were many days were I lacked a significant amount of sleep because I was so busy, there were days were I felt perpetually stuck & I could never overcome my problems (the things… a foreigner in Korean cannot do without a phone number…. Gg I felt soooooo shitty at that time)… there were also, ofc, days where I felt frustrated with many different people, there were days were I was so stressed out about whether I was doing the right thing (my 2 tutoring gigs…) or if I deserved anything I was receiving…., there were countless days where I studied hard and stressed about academics, as always (but I managed to get all A+’s 2nd sem & im honestly so proud of that…) …there were plenty of days where I would feel Korean societal standards weigh down on me & I felt painfully inclined to fit in in any and every way possible,.. I also struggled with deeper questions about the kind of toxic community Koreans can foster in various contexts (political, nationalism, etc..)… and the biggest of adversities, the one that broke me down the most, and to this day has left me empty & lost… was watching my singer get torn apart and disappear before my eyes.

I have written about this specific topic very extensively in a different piece, and…. It is definitely a pretty heated, passionate, painful piece. I had many many many many things to say about all of it, and I actually still have countless words to say, honestly. For sake of concision, for sake of keeping my sanity in place for at least this piece of text, for the sake of my world that has crumbled apart far too much for me to ever pick myself back up again… I’ll just say… I miss him so much and I pray for the day I can listen to him again. I won’t even be greedy and say “see” him again. I know ive seen him more times than I ever deserved too. But I want to listen to his voice again. In a new light, in a reassuring way. In some form, I want to hear him again… just once at least… please…Knowing him, listening to him for years, holding onto my life with his voice & music… I know that he needs to do music and nothing else. It breaks my heart every day to think about how this light has been lost from him.

One day… one day……….. I pray desperately every day that one day, he will come back to us. Please.

 Its honestly pretty difficult to talk about my hardships during my time in Korea without mentioning that stuff. It has taken such a big toll on me, life became so taxing because of that one situation, that even today I sit here, half a year after it all fell apart, without much improvement on the state of things anyway. But enough of the negative stuff. I hope that’s enough. Despite all the pain & highkey trauma I acquired from it all, I know that at the end of the day I learned valuable lessons and that I am still grateful for every experience nonetheless.

I still wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today without those tough times, too. It sucks that I lost my light along the way, I lost sight of my world that so ironically always gave me healing when I needed it most.

Another thing I should mention is how I am also very grateful for that fact that I never got sick while in Korea, or just while abroad in general. I usually catch a cold about once a year, even my first year of college, I definitely had that small period of time where I was dead sick from some sort of virus. But not once, did my body ever falter while abroad. It’s ironic because usually being in foreign countries, especially the not-the-most-sanitary ones like Thailand, Taiwan, etc, one would normally be much more susceptible to a stomach bug or heat-related complication or whatever. One would think that my body would be especially vulnerable abroad. But nope. I stayed strong all throughout. I’m pretty damn proud of that too. I tend to take my health for granted, but looking back on it now, I guess I held up pretty well despite all the odds against me.

The most important question I should be asking myself now is… How have I changed since I’ve studied abroad? Some basic changes would be my outer appearance. My makeup has definitely changed, my clothes do not exactly look like the rest of my friends’, and my eyes are sometimes slightly different colored LOL. But, mentally? Emotionally? What has korea done to me? I thought that once I returned from being abroad, I could be this strong, amazing, fearless, bold person. Maybe in some aspects, I do feel that way. But quite frankly, being away from some beloved, close friends for so long has left me more insecure and unsure than I would like to admit.

No part of my confidence has significantly skyrocketed or anything. I am still too much of a pessimist for any of that to be possible. I actually feel kinda reluctant, vulnerable, skeptical… when it comes back to reconnecting with the friends I haven’t seen for over a year. So in this way, Korea has changed me in which I do not know how to reconvene with the life I originally left.

Korea also….. made me fall in love with the “Asian lifestyle”. I say this a lot in person, but I think I genuinely love Asian culture & way of living better than America’s. Especially after coming back & coming to terms with how normalized some illegal stuff are among kids my age are now, I cant vibe with any of that. I know well enough that both cultures have their pros and cons and but I think I can safely say I prefer one over the other. I have grown up in the same exact house and neighborhood my entire life and I very ironically chose to go to a school that mirrors this familiar environment almost perfectly. Therefore, I easily lose sight about what is new, what is enjoyable, what keeps me grounded here.

So to be honest, nothing keeps me grounded in my hometown. Not my parents, not really my hometown friends, nothing special. It’s a fact that I felt more attached to Korea than America. I don’t know. It just ended up that way.

I traveled to and studied there for a year because I felt like my heart belonged there. And after coming back, I think I finally can contest to that statement.

One more thing, as I try to run out of things to say… I dislike K-pop and I wish it wasn’t such a definitive part of Korea itself. I know for a fact that the way in which K-pop has blown up over the years is an inherent loss for Korean culture because now the world has been misguided, misinformed, and misinterpreting Korea as a whole due to K-pop. I hate how, if I were to speak to someone ive never met before about me studying abroad in Korea, they would most likely assume that I like K-pop or make some sort of connection to my experience, with K-pop. That presumption needs to end. I do not relate my experience to K-pop in any way. There was so much outside of that. So like, no, I did not meet so-and-so. No, I did not see that group on the streets. No, I did not go to that concert. I admit I went to plenty of concerts, but those people were basically NO NAMES compared to actual K-pop artists… So please… I wish there was a distance between Kpop & Korea.

I have come to cherish Korean culture way outside of K-pop. Sure, its what exposed me to it all in the beginning, but I very quickly, very NATURALLY, grew out of that mindset & perspective. Sigh. That’s that. A real shame.

I haven’t been able to wrap this up for an entire week now and I think, right before I head back to school for good at UCI, this would be a good time to close it up for good.

What I meant to talk about throughout this entire “final journey” chunk was how studying abroad changed me, and what that might mean for my future.

These days, while ive been lowkey wallowing away at home, avoiding my responsibilities and waiting for everything to come crashing down onto me once I return to Irvine, one of the biggest things ive been really missing is Yeosu. My spontaneous 2 day, 1 night trip to Yeosu with Sabrina was probably one of the best spontaneous adventures I ever chose to do.

Yeosu held some sort of beauty that is so impossible to explain, that pictures don’t even do justice for, and is really just a hidden gem sort of place that I am so so so blessed to have visited and fallen in love with. Even if it was just for two short days, Yeosu treated us SO well. It will forever be one of the best memories I’ve made in Korea, because of all its combined natural beauty, open air, wonderful weather, breathtaking views, exciting and undying street pojangmacha street life, and FOOD! Amazing, home-cooked 한식…..it was really, honestly, great.

Another thing I thought of: I feel like I took so many airplanes that I lost count and I even lost that exhilarating, enthusiastic feeling that used to be associated with taking airplanes at some point. I am not trying to BRAG that I had that sort of privilege, but I just wanted to…. Reminisce on that missing emotion. Now, going through that entire check-in, security, waiting, boarding process feels sooooo draggy, and if anything, even a waste of time….. :( but I at least appreciate airplanes for being able to take me everywhere…

OKAY FOR REALS, last thing im going to address: my current perceptions on sharing my journey abroad with others. If im going to be completely honest, I really hesitate to talk about how I studied in Korea for a year. I am pretty damn paranoid about what people would think of me and I am reluctant to really tell my story because I feel like all of it is very important and special and dear to my heart that it’s not as simple as “yeah, it was chill, I had a great time”. In response to the question of “omg how was it????”, ive literally made a script for myself: “honestly, like my life in korea and my life here in America were so totally different that it feels like it didn’t even happen… it went by so fast and there was so much going on that coming back here feels pretty weird…also, reverse-culture shock is real”

That is the best spiel I can muster up if I were to briefly talk about my experiences abroad. But in reality, I would want to talk about why korea & the Korean language mean so much to me, how grateful I am for all the places and people and things I got to see, how convenient day-to-day life was. And most of all, I would want to address the all the negative things I discovered about Korea. I would want to talk about how for nearly half of my time there, my world was, and still is, crashing down onto me, and how that entire happening has affected my viewpoint of Korean society greatly. I would love to go on about the nuances that make Korea a very toxic social environment, how many aspects that make it well-known and well-received globally also contribute to my disliking for Korea. My experience was so eye-opening. It really was. With all the beauty I discovered along the way, I feel like I faced some extremely terrible shit, too. But of course, as I have been repeating ceaselessly, I am thankful at the end of the day. I always am.

I think at this point, I don’t have much more to say. Despite how much I miss Korea on a daily basis, for now, I think its best to let go of it. I am proud that my daily Instagram will stay as my detailed, thorough testimony to the countless experiences and stories I thought were worth sharing, or remembering at the very least. 286 days. To be exact, I was abroad for 286 days. Not a year exactly, but sorta close. I did my best. I did everything I could. I was independent as I could be, I saw all the things I could see, and I just appreciated it all at the end of the day.

I am really excited to go back one day. It’s at the least the one thing keeping me a little bit optimistic for the future.

잘 있어줘, 한국아. 모든 걸 고마웠다.

[v-le]

Kmusic: JTBC’s 슈퍼밴드(Superband) Review

Foreword: SUPERBAND WAS AMAZING AND IT WAS EVERYTHING I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED IN MY LIFE. yup

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After binge-watching this entire program, I knew I had to write something about it. This show literally took my breath away, this show filled all my senses with overwhelming excitement, appreciation, and respect for every single participant, and the music, THE MUSIC, that came out of this show will forever be some of the most amazing songs I have ever heard in my life. But above all else, this show filled a void, an emptiness, a traumatizing, painful longing in my heart that has been needing some intense healing for a while now.

With all the things that have happened with my singer, Superband coming into my life and being the show it was, with all those amazing artists doing what they did, it was a literal blessing and I just……. I just cant believe they did THAT. They did it and it was AMAZING.

First off, whoever thought to make an audition program for MUSICIANS, SINGER-SONGWRITERS, ARTISTS, PRODUCERS, and just instrument-playing people AND VOCALISTS…….. you are a fucking genius and I am so glad that this idea never died in the shadows and was allowed to come to life on the screens.

What I found so poignant about this show from the get-go was how GOOD THESE AUDITIONS WERE… these people came in being REALLYYYYY good at (presumably) one thing like the guitar, or singing, or the violin. These people each had their specialty, they were exceptional music-making people. No one was quite mediocre or “rookie”, each person had some pretty credible expertise or experiences with music, and that in itself, the fact that we got to start off with these sorts of contestants, is something ive never seen before.

I don’t want to compare to other singing shows or the Produce series or whatever else countless audition programs Korea has been churning out over the past years, but since Superband began with this concept, it was already a show that I knew I would LOVE. For the 2 times ive watched Produce, I was always so perturbed by these prepubescent pretty boys frolicking around on stage, barely being able to even pull off a simple note. I just thought so many of them were so TALENTLESS…. But who am I to judge.

I think it really just comes down to preference, and even though I knew very well that idols and k-pop are not even things I enjoy anymore, I forced myself through programs like Produce. But now, with Superband, I felt so HAPPY and glad to be watching and discovering such talented musicians…THIS IS WHAT I WANTED ALL ALONG.

Even with the very first audition with Ha Hyunsang… OMFG UGHhHhh THAT BOI IS SO FLUFFY but so good at the same time… I feel like each time I see him, I ACTUALLY just want to give him a hug :’-(( the emotional depth in his singing is beyond describable and im SO PROUD TO HAVE WATCHED HIM GROW !!!!!!

That’s another thing I really really realllyyyyyyy loved from this show........ it was the process of watching these people develop, mature, change, grow with show. Some contestants went through some major growing pains, but it was so heartwarming to watch them improve, not that they were even bad to begin with. And the reversals!! Or the expansions?? The turnarounds?? The CONMEN!!!

AHHhhHHhhh okay im still very obsessed with the infinite amount of talent some dudes had, but before I get to that, let me continue on with those stellar auditions, aka the three genius guitarists, too ;_______; they. Are. So. Amazing. I love them a lot. I think I completely fell for them. And I hate myself. I hate to admit it a lot because I used to ALWAYS shit on dudes younger than me, I disliked basically every contestant on produce that was younger than ‘99, I thought they were all useless young children… but 김영소, 이강호, & 임형빈, were a completely different story. I LOVE THEM!!! I always had a bias toward a man that could play the guitar well… but these guys holy moly, they blew me away… they are so exceptional at what they do and the fact that theyre still so YOUNG… good lord…..my poor heart was so conflicted but ultimately so happy to have discovered them.

To watch these guys be thrown into that first 1:1 perf, and literally tearing up the stage and setting the bar VERY HIGH from the very beginning of the competition… phew… my goodness…. The talent with these kids… o my…. Okay yeah, nope im never gonna get over it. The ‘Adventure of a Lifetime’ stage will always be an iconic one from this program, and we all know it. Who knew a pure acoustic, musical performance, no vocals included stage would be so amazing…. I LOVE THEM!! Have I mentioned that yet?

Going back to the reversals/scamming thing... I guess this goes with watching some people grow……. I want to give a holy and blessed shoutout to probably my favorite contestant out of this entire show: 신광일….. he was such a dark horse. In fact, I don’t even remember his audition tbh because he was THAT not-memorable in the beginning LOL (or also.. I believe they never showed his audition to begin with)… but he quickly caught my eye as the eps went on because he came out of nowhere and whipped out all (or maybe not even all…) his skills like secret weapons, stage after stage.. he came in as a vocalist, picked up the bass for two the performances after that (all while still singing, too), although having never played the bass formally... and then once joining hands with Juhyeok and Yechan, he just miraculously becomes the drummer, because they ultimately decided that they needed percussion in their songs. So from thereon after, since ‘Hold Back The River’, Gwang-il, to me, was literally GOD(신) Gwang-il, as he played the drums and SANG TOO…..and may I add, hes not even that old?????? HES FRKING ONLY 2 YEARS OLDER THAN ME WTF;__; the boy got all these crazy blisters while perfecting the drums, but he didn’t let anything stop him and he was sucH A SOLID BAND MEMBER ALL THROUGHOUT, AHHHHHH MVP GOES TO SHIN GWANG-IL, YALL….(also I just found out that hes a trainee from Mystic Story, aka Yoon Jong shin’s agency aka the agency that I’ve been following for many many MANYYYY years now bc a lot of my favorite artists have come out of it…. Wow what is this fate)

And special recognition goes to Im Hyung-bin aka one of the 18 yr old genius guitarists bc he … oh my…. He frking became the pianist and singer by the end of the show…. Omfg… yall.. HE is also another infinitely talented soul. AND HES EXTRA FRKING YOUNG…

Besides these two though, there were many many many manyyyyy other people as well that took up multiple instruments throughout the show, or even began singing, or just did EVERYTHING….I was so mindblown by this, im still honestly not over it at all.

Because like, is this normal?? Isn’t that so unprofessional?? Its already so crazy that this show already starts us off with NON-amateur musicians and artists. But then some of these dudes have never done any other things formally before they got thrown into it; they came into this show “specializing” in something completely different, yet they jump onto the stage and do what they needed to, HELLA FRKING WELL…… so many of these dudes, you wouldn’t know that was his first time playing the bass, playing the drums, first time playing that piano, or first time being on the keyboard AND being a vocal, you wouldn’t know any of that unless they mentioned it, unless you watched the show and saw their story.

Because they all pulled it off THAT well.. these people that did these things for the first time ever while being on Superband, they executed their roles so well and showcased such wonderfully exhilarating talent…. IM SO BLESSED TO HAVE DISCOVERED SUCH AMAZING ARTISTS….

That was one of the biggest feats of Superband for me. The limitless talent that came out of it. I LOVE watching people like this. Their passion for music fuels such undeniable skill and fervor, and when they step onto that stage, they are literally unstoppable. They made music that stopped my time, stopped my heart, in the moment, but literally MOVED me...i applaud these people so much. I really do.

Thinking back to it now, the number of stages that came out of this show was like…. Countless…. Like… A LOT…. Since episode 1, each stage was very well-produced and I truly enjoyed watching each one from the start. This show was just so jampacked overall, although I admit that sometimes it was arduous due to the GRIND that these people were on, presenting stage after stage after stage, and then listening to LOTS of feedback from almost each judge over and over and over, but it was still nothing short of musical masterpieces out there. I really appreciate how STUFFED, how FILLED TO THE BRIM, this show was with dynamic, enjoyable, exceptional performances (and words of valuable opinions & evaluations, too)

I can re-watch many of them, every day, for days on end. I loved it. And can we just talk about how impressive these dudes are for pulling off something new, for taking on a brand-new challenge with a brand-new set of members, time and time again, stage after stage, week after week, until we came down to the 6 solid bands in the last 3 episodes? They constantly had to work with new people, match their music preferences, fill spaces in their music where they didn’t exactly have someone they may have needed. They had to compensate, compromise, and ultimately DELIVER, at the end of it all. Multiple times. I don’t even remember how many rounds they did… was it 4? I think they had 4 rounds of eliminations before they settled into their official bands. But still... its crazy impressive to think about how driven and flexible a lot of these artists were, to be creating, producing & then performing despite all the different teams they were getting put into week after week.

ANDDDDDD, despite all the odds up against them like the time crunch, the new collab of members each time, the potential lack of a missing instrument or sound, SO many of these teams still came out with self-written and self-produced songs!!!!!!! I mean, even for the cover songs alone, many were already re-arranging everything & basically turning them into new tracks. BUT WITH THOSE SELF COMPOSED SONGS??????????? Some teams literally started from scratch each time, but busted out some amazing tunes and lyrics and executed very very very impressive stages and IM JUST AKFJAKJFKJBSN how…. Are they….. so…. Talented…… I still ask myself each time.

By far, the combo that took my heart and kept it for good….. LUCY ;_______;. I never expected to like Juhyeok’s voice tbh, it was a little TOO weird for me in the beginning… but watching him perform with Yechan and Gwang-il and Wonsang really brought to life his vocal potential for me… that team is literally a combination made in heaven, they have all the right pieces to make ARTWORK… their signature sound was so prominent from the very beginning and i was SO HAPPY when I saw that they stuck to the same exact members once the finale came around.

Before the winner was announced, I told myself very honestly that I didn’t even care who won because the two teams left over, Hoppipolla & Lucy, were already my two all-time favorite combinations of artists from the entire show, and I was already MORE than satisfied with all the wonderful music and stages that everyone had delivered up until that point anyway. But even with that, I was still thoroughly shocked when they announced Hoppipolla as the winning band LOL I gasped aloud. I thought that Lucy at least had a chance. Or like I guess, in my heart, I assumed that Lucy actually won.. LOL but they didn’t.

And in terms of the finale in general, I really would also like to address how I purposely tried really hard to avoid any spoilers and rewatching of performances on youtube before actually finishing the entire series. I tried like reallyyyyy hard, because I wanted to watch the program as thoroughly as possible without spoilers. I HATE SPOILERS. But oh the irony. It was in all in vain anyway.

Once I finally DID finish all 14 episodes, when trying to look for more information/reactions/articles/videos (initially searching in English), I actually struggled SO HARD LMAOOOO bc there was like NOTHING OUT THERE……..i should have known better; this show was definitely NOT catered to the intl. audience (yet?), especially because its in its first season still. There were probably like 2 articles max in English about Superband & it was just about its upcoming premier. Nothing about winners nor results nor anything else i was wary of, anyway. LOLLL THE INTL COMMUNITY DOESN’T CARE; or at least the intl population that DOES care about Superband, is probably reallyyyyyy small……a reddit thread I found was the most substantial discussion I could find, comprised of a few comments max.

And so that brings me to how I always see a lot of comments begging for English subs and everything, but honestly…….. all I have to say to yall is: LEARN KOREAN IF YOU REALLY WANT TO WATCH THE SHOW THAT BADLY !!!

If after all these years, I could pick up Korean to an extent where I can watch things raw, im sure others can do the same as long as they put their mind to it. Ive been really appreciating how far my skills have taken me LOL not trying to be THAT person, but I just know that if I COULDN’T read or listen & comprehend or type in Korean like I can now, I would be missing out on a WORLD of amazing stuff. E.g. superband. And if anything, I would like to think that this show helped me practice my vocab skills a lot more. Listening to the judges’ evals after each stage was really enjoyable: I learned plenty of valuable words out of THEIR words.

This show was phenomenal in that all the contestants had total musical freedom. It was soOOOOO refreshing to watch. They got to choose all their music & their teammates in a fair manner (maybe not so much their competition), but seeing them take their passions & what THEY wanted to do with music and laying that all out onto the stage, was so compelling!!! This freedom allowed for countless, ICONIC AF transformations and growth journeys for soooo many of the artists too!!!! I really realllyyyyyyyy loved watching some of them stepping WAYYYY outside of their comfort zones / the image that they originally came in with (e.g. HONG ISAAC HAAAAHAHHA, Jisang, Hyunsang!!), and also watching alllllll those multitalented “scam characters”!!! HAHAHA, without this program being as open as it was, it would’ve been impossible to be able to see such a myriad of sides to so many different people. I appreciate, I really do.

And I really really realllyyyy enjoyed watching all the behind the scenes of each performance as well!! Of course, its normal to give viewers some background story before each stage, but in Superband, we got to see some very raw sides of music-making….. these dudes literally lived like hobos in the recording studios, all disheveled and sleep-deprived human beans, but ceaselessly making music because that’s what they love. I liked watching teams try out a lot of different songs & styles as they searched for THE right one. And then we got to see the final result on stage after the countless discussions and trials behind the scenes. And these processes repeated for months on end. All the contestants are so commendable in this right. The grind was real, and the show didn’t try to hide that. I enjoyed this very realistic approach !!

At this point, after drowning myself in this show for a few days straight… (those episodes are LONGGGGG, close to two hrs each) ive literally spent every night, and basically day, too, watching all the cuts that jtbc uploaded on youtube over and over and oVERRRRR….. ive also been watching some Superband concert clips, from when the entire final 6 bands went on a domestic tour and performed together for several concerts!!

THAT OPENING STAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLESS THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAUGHT IT ON CAMERA BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY SUCH A PIECE OF MUSICAL HEAVEN, omfg the energy on that stage IS SOMETHING ELSE… IF I WERE THERE IN PERSON I PROBABLY WOULDVE CRIED INSTANTLY……. lee juhyeok, kevin oh, chae bohoon, im hyeongbin, kim youngso, ha hyunsang, lee chansol, and kim woosung, all the guitarists/ vocalists lined up in the front… (hearing each vocalist sing a line each made my HEART HURT....I LOVE THEM SM) then the bassists, lee jonghoon, kim hyungwoo, kim hajin, jo wonsang, clustered up AND HAVIN A TIME all by themselves, and the three epic electric guitarists, yang jiwan, kim junhyeob, and Zairo, literally held SUCH stage presence… on the drums: kang kyungyoon all the way to the right, and red haired hwang minjae in the middle, and the super in-sync, traditional drum banging bois, choi youngjin, shin gwang-il, a-il, & jung gwanghyun, all 4 of them bouncing up and down in the back like intense oompa loompas LOL THEY LOOKED SO CUTE, and the string bois!!!!! Shin yechan & benji on the violin next to hong jinho on the cello; yechan and benji started off sitting down but as the song goes on they literally WENT AT IT HAHAHA as expected of two of the most high-energy musicians. On the piano, lee na-woo, the classic icon himself starting off the entire intro, and next to him hong isaac the transformation legend himself on the keyboard + his super distinctive voice!!!!!! And of course, d-pole with his much-expected little music break in the middle….. in fact many of them got ICONIC solo time: kang kyungyoon’s drumming part, kim hyungwoo’s super duper solid bass, minjae’s powerful beats, kim hajin’s LOUD ass bass, lee jonghoon’s legendary slap finger bass playing, jo wonsang’s super ting-y, classic bass section, and yang jiwan’s loud ASS ELEC GUITAR TOO, omg they were all so cute, pointing to each member & hyping them up as it was their few seconds to shine….AND THOSE COLLECTIVE VOICES???? HEARING ALL THE VOCALISTS SING TOGETHER ONE BY ONE… OH my gosh it was soooooo GOOOODDDDDDD.... just watching all those dudes literally have THE TIME OF THEIR LIFE on stage (literally an ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME), the energy was off the charts… I loveeeeee seeing them so happy, making eye contact with each other, jumping up & down, rocking out, laughing with each other, all while playing their instrument, so fervently, all 27 people on the stage, connected by one song…. Theres SO MUCH OVERFLOW of talent in one freaking place, that song sounded SO MASSIVE just thru the video I cant imagine….. if I were actually there omfg… that’s an actual BAND Like A HUGE FRKING BAND… AHHHHHHHHHH a really legendary stage.. the finest of finest……I can literally watch this opening on repeat without getting bored because I just loveeeee the concept of all of them being together like that :”)))

After watching member after member, team after team get eliminated, seeing them like this on one stage with such happy expressions and making a beautiful piece of music like that o MANNNNNN…. This show…… has really done something to me…

I appreciate every contestant SO MUCH and I wish I could watch everyone be together FOREVER….because knowing how artistically talented each person is on their own, to watch them join together is like the avengers times 72737446352 or something, its just talent & skill plus talent & skill stacked onto even more skill & talents and just an INFINITE amount of potential AND THAT…IS LITERALLY.. THE POWER…. OF A BAND………and of great ass music.

This show was GENIUS TO combine so many musicians from so many different backgrounds…but watching them work together to make pure art, that is so frking rewarding and heartwarming and I feel so blessed to have witnessed it all.

The genres and potential were literally limitless……I think this is what encompassed Superband for me, this is what made me enjoy it SO damn much…. I think ive finally run out of things to say… this piece of text is quite a mess, not very polished….. but I was hasty in recording my thoughts & emotions before they left me, so I tried my best.

My biggest regret with this show is that I didn’t watch it sooner. (what is really ironic is that it took me FOREVER to start the first ep, despite having tonssss of time on my hands... I had it open on one of my tabs for the longest time, but I lowkey grudgingly, eventually, forced myself to finally start it LOL..(thank god I rly did tho) I watched it 2 months after the finale, which is… kinda late? If I had watched it while it was airing, all while I was still in korea, I feel like I would’ve been EVEN MORE in love, even more fervent and passionate about everything. Digging thru old vids & watching things from contestants before they came out onto the show, seeing the artists they were, I could’ve easily gone and seen them myself probably… goddamnit I probably could’ve gone to the superband finale live show, if I had known.. I COULDVE VOTED IN REAL TIME... not that I could’ve brought myself to do it anyway, probably lol….. but basically, if I had known of this show WHILE I was there with them… I don’t know, I could’ve been a lot more active as a fan, I feel like..

Now im back to my original roots: crying in front of my laptop screen and tap-tapping away at my keyboard as a I rant to no one but myself. Being in korea made my appreciation for all kinds of artists, all my beloved ones, EVERYONE, a lot more tangible.. but being back in America… it all becomes hidden into the depths of my heart, once again…

PHEW……I think now is a good time to mention my favorite stages… as I mentioned before, the Lucy AND pre-Lucy lineup will always hold a really special place in my heart so basically all my faves include their stages LOL

‘Swim’ cover by LUCY(신예찬, 이주혁, 신광일, 조원상)

‘Hold Back The River’ cover by 신예찬, 이주혁, 신광일

‘Adventure of a Lifetime’ cover by 조원상, 김영소, 이강호, 임형빈

‘누구 없소’ cover by 케빈오, 박찬영, 신광일, 강경윤

‘선잠’ by LUCY

'Castle on the Hill’ cover by 아일, 하현상, 노마드, 홍진호

‘1000x’ cover by 아일, 하현상, 홍진호, 김형우

‘One More Light’ cover by HOPPIPOLLA(아일, 하현상, 홍진호, 김영소)

‘Cry Bird’ cover by LUCY

‘Viva La Vida’ cover by 하현상, 홍진호, 김영소

‘Flare’ by LUCY

‘Find You Again’ by People on the Bridge(이찬솔, 임형빈, 김준협, 강경윤,  김형우)

My favorite funny moments:

“이게 무슨 짓이야!!?” - mellow kitchen (the stealing of the 3 kiddo guitarists)

“okay let’s be honest, you can’t even hear the bass” - shin hyunbin 2k19

울보 팀

Hyunsang’s fam: 아일 the mom, 홍진호 the dad, 김형우 the hyung

“idk if im allowed to say this but it looked like zombie movie” - yoon jongshin, as they all gathered around the cello man

“I thought to myself, isn’t that cello expensive tho..” - yoon jongshin as youngso slapped & tapped jinho’s cello for percussion

Ah-il’s iconic castle on the hill pose

Zairo’s luck with member choosing lmao

HONG ISAK’S DANCING in ‘Time of My Life’ LOLLL IT GETS ME LAUGHING EACH TIMEEE (& all his nicknames, like eungalchi lmaooo)

Benji’s “YO-RO-BOON HAM-KAY HEY-YO” during ‘Woo-ing’

Gwanghyun’s “do-doom-tak”

Gwanghyun calling Gwang-il’s drum skills equivalent to that of a middle school band’s LOLLLL

**I watched Mone’s radio appearance on Arirang Radio where Benji is the host, and they were an absolute MESS LMAOOOOOO THEY WERE HONESTLY ALL REALLY FUNNY THOUGH.. they kept roasting the crap out of each other and laughing their asses off and man… it was gr8 time and it was really cute to discover that Hong Isaac is now a part of one of Benji’s radio shows too!

One important question I have for this show though: where tf did all the females go? Why was there no female presence at all in this show, I have no clue…… :/

At the end of the day, this show reminded me once again, how to feel happy and excited because of music. how to let great music fill my life with undeniable joy. Being able to look forward to listening to these songs every day, definitely had lifted a small part of me that has been down for all too long. I really appreciate, I am very grateful for, I just… im so thankful to have discovered this show & all its wonderful masterpieces & the beautifully, magically, PASSIONATE artists behind it all………. I needed this in my life at this point in time, I really did. 

Thank you for coming to be, Superband.

[v-le]

Ktravels / Klife: Three quarters of the way through Thoughts

Foreword: I hate myself for basically posting this a whole half-a-semester later than planned. But i still believe in better late than never. Here is my journey up until midterms of semester two at Yonsei.

-

Who wouldve thought that this day would come…. Jk we all knew it was coming. But it has surely crept up onto me must faster than I would’ve liked… I knew that this semester here in Korea, at Yonsei University, was going to be vastly different than my previous one, but before coming into it, there was no way of gauging exactly HOW different things would be.

And yes, it has ended up being quite different indeed…. Almost every day, even with just the smallest of activities and places, I can’t help but compare to last semester. It’s just habitual at this point. “I went here last semester, I ate there last semester, we did that last semester”. Etc etc. But last semester already feels like it is worlds away. In fact, it really is.

The biggest change that I want to address is the subtle yet undeniable feeling of intensifying alienation as I stay here longer and longer. I know it sounds quite… dark. But I think it is a reality that is really worth exploring for all people that dream of different places around, that wish to create a future in the great unknown. Because once that unknown starts to become more known, how would you react? How do you deal with a society that seems to be unhealthy for your own mental standards? How do you grow in a foreign environment that is becoming less and less foreign to you as the days go by?

There have definitely been several added factors that combine together for me to come to such a conclusion…. Or no. Nothing is necessarily concluded yet. Just…a finding, a discovery thus far. As of today, I have lived in Korea for about 210 days. That’s well over half a year, that’s a pretty good chunk of my life, I would say. And just very blatantly, I want to say that I can feel how unwelcoming the Korean society is to things that it is unfamiliar with. I can feel parts of its hidden heartlessness and prejudice and condescension. The Korean society as a whole has inflicted these feelings onto me throughout the past few months. As briefly as I can, here is why:

Roy

Badminton team

Korean beauty

Sewol

Jeonju

Air pollution

로이

The situation with Roy is one that I can go on and on about, in all honesty… it is something that will haunt me for a long time and will leave a lasting impression on my heart. I’ve put a lot of my feelings onto a separate piece of writing, one that discloses a pain I wish I never had to spill into that text. What is most certain is that Roy’s case of facing public scrutiny was my firsthand experience of witnessing, almost essentially experiencing, how brutal, cruel, and hateful Korean netizens can be. For years, I have been aware of this online community’s relentlessness. But I never imagined in a million years that the poison of these toxic hate comments would actually affect me. I never thought there would be a day I would actually care about what these people were saying, that their words literally ended up hurting me. Even though no one was actually cussing me out, telling me to rot in jail, yelling at me to never lift my head in public again…No, I mean those malicious comments weren’t for me. They were all aimed straight for Roy, straight for his heart, straight for his life. These people were attacking his entire life like there was no tomorrow. These people spit words without even blinking once, without even thinking about the consequences of their actions, without considering how damaging. For weeks now, I have been witnessing this vicious chain of hate grow and grow. I am sick of it. It makes me cry sometimes. I cannot bear to read what so many people are saying to him now. They are sickening, they are heartless, they are pure evil. It is unfair. It is all so unfair. Just 1 picture, but a lack of knowledge, name mix-ups, and a heightened level of ignorance fuels all these terrible people’s fingers to type away behind their screens and literally ruin someone’s life. And right before my eyes, as all of this happens, I cannot do anything. I can try to manage to report some of the especially derogatory comments, I can try to support the supportive comments. But that is the most. All I can really do, what I have no other choice to do, is to just sit and watch. I’ve been watching and waiting, watching and monitoring, waiting for something more to come out, waiting for some form of reassurance. But no, ever since that day, even though today marks a month since then, nothing has changed. My heart remains shattered, I am lost, I don’t know what to do. But the hate comments continue. They will continue to be fueled by spitefulness.

And what I particularly hate about all of this are Korean news reporters’ terrible, despicable way of pulling his name into things he never had an involvement with, adding pictures and names that are irrelevant, and just their entire lack of professionalism from a factual point of view. I can tell that they are playing on people’s emotions and anger to get more publicity, to stir up more baseless hate and unnecessary misunderstandings. It is so extremely frustrating and painful to watch. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why they must be so cruel and inconsiderate. Is it amusing to watch someone’s life fall apart? Does it make you happy? Is your article’s publicity worth the entire wellbeing of an another human? I don’t understand it, I will never understand it.

The official fan organizations have never stated their removal of support for Roy. The fans never asked for his forest to get destroyed. But why does the media report these things as if they’re true? Why are they lying, literally creating false information, when they don’t even know how we actually feel or what we’ve been saying? It is so flabbergasting, and it makes me feel even more hopeless at the end of the day. Mere months ago, I saw him. He was okay. And now the entire nation hates him.

배드민턴

This semester, I decided to challenge myself and join the badminton team at Yonsei. It may not sound like that much of a big deal, but it is actually quite intimidating simply because my Korean is still far from perfect, and I am already a pretty introverted person to begin with. I wasn’t sure how I could even come close to making friends there. I really just wanted to play because it felt so terrible not playing for 4 months last semester. The first “friend” I made literally only ever talked to me in English (and he still occasionally continues to do so), but he actually talks about the most useless and dumb shit that, if I were to be quite honest, do not really care about. The conversations I had were just… weird… But at one point, I finally met another foreigner who is from Taiwan. And since the day we first met, we became extremely close & we actually only communicate in Korean so it’s been amazing practice for me.

But through lots of talking with her, I have discovered that she is not a newbie to the team as I am: she is a pretty long-term member but with no Korean friends. Because no one has ever once approached her. And to be honestly I was thoroughly shocked by this. She has been on the team long enough to recognize members and even some names. But before I met her, no one ever asked her to play with them, no one ever approached her & talked to her, even though her Korean is literally FLAWLESS. She is studying Korean in grad school right now! So, communication-wise she has absolutely no issues. Yet, she has never received acknowledgement from the team. And that sort of left me scarred, even though these things never personally happened to me? Before meeting her, I had at least had many decent interactions with the other members of the team and the only way I ever played a game in the first place was because someone else asked me. I never asked others first because I am just too shy. But to hear that my friend had been that sort of figure on the team for so long, was just…. Shockingly sad. I could’ve never imagined that prejudice was that real. Granted, I highly doubt the other teammates’ ever acted cold purposefully. I can tell it’s just a problem of ignorance. But that is still very serious and very.. disheartening. I think the entire situation has gotten a lot better now that I have been trying to bridge all of us together, to the best of my ability. But it is definitely not simple. As much as I enjoy playing badminton with Yonsei, I can still feel some pain on her part, too.

케이뷰티

Being extremely skinny, wearing makeup every day, dressing nicely and in a way that is similar to everyone else, is a norm here. People strategically look a certain way in order to fit in. And that’s understandable, it is a homogenous society after all. But for me, I literally feel fat. I feel stressed every day because I feel like I should be losing weight, I should be skinnier, I should be more like everyone else. To be quite frank, it is just hard. All of these social appearance norms take a big toll on my mental health, but at the same time I can never actually bring myself to change drastically because that also would not feel natural. So I tend to stay stuck in this uncomfortable state of not knowing where I belong, not knowing where I can try to fit it in, or if I could ever been accepted in the first place. And honestly, I probably never will.

세월

This year marks 5 years since the Sewol Fairy accident and I had the opportunity to be here in Korea during its anniversary, on 4/16. To be honest, I didn’t know much about the accident for a while. I always just assumed it was a really unfortunate occurrence. But this time, since I was really here in Korea and I could witness the people’s efforts to continue to pay their respects to the victims and their families, I ended up watching a few documentaries and videos on the event. And it was a lot worse, much deeper, and more painful than I could have ever imagined. I know all the political tensions and social questions behind this accident are extremely DEEP, so I won’t explain too much. But it just gave me a very vivid, new perspective on Korean society, in so many interesting, different ways. There is so much to ask and discuss about behind the Sewol tragedy.

Welp, life kinda smacked me right in the face so I had to take a break from this piece for a quite a while.. but here I am again in attempts to finally put it out there.

전주

Nice on the outside, fantastic weather and kind people and an area that is very easy to walk through within a few hours. But, it very quickly dawned on me that this place is just a capitalism hotspot where I couldn’t get even a small glimpse of local traditions or just… normal life. Everything in that town was pretty much centered around tourism that it made me feel quite sad ☹ even the things that seemed like they should house normal life…. They didn’t. they were empty. Im not sure why I originally found this necessary to mention but I guess it really bothered me to a certain extent.

미세먼지

It’s absolute ass. Just know that. Its very very very terrible.

So…. I know im cheating, like cheating really badly by typing out all these feelings during the wrong timing, but I have no choice. A lot has been happening, and I guess I have to save that shitfest of my life for my final wrap-up piece…. Damn I don’t even want to think about that. O well. I think all I really should say for now is that… things have not been as easy as I would have liked them to be. There have been many occurrences that are just unnecessarily exhausting, stressful, and ridiculous. There are people around me that have been making my life really hard, for various reasons and in various ways. None of this even has to do with Korea or my lifestyle or school. It’s just a literal mess.

It’s all a mess and it’s kicking butt. Life is winning well ahead of me at this rate. Im overwhelmed like every day and it sucks ass but it’s okay. I am!!! Trying!! There are still many things left to be done and plans to be fulfilled. I am not giving up. Im just… crawling forward LMAO. Aight. Till next time.

끝까지 가자.

[v-le]

Kmusic: My artists in 4 months

Foreword: PHEW this one took a while.... but I have really had so much on my mind lately that i knew i just HAD to churn this one out asap... I also would’ve tried to include videos rather than images but it’s a pain in the butt... I guess my vids will be top secret for now hehe. But really. a true blessing, these 4 months. Ah, I still really cant believe it..

--

If you were to ask me how I felt about my first semester at Yonsei and simply the past 4 months in Korea, from August 21st to December 23rd, I would probably just emphasize how grateful I am. But to narrow down this deep affection for all the happenings, I would have to do so in a music context. It is such a fascinating and seemingly mundane thing to go on about: Why does my music mean what it means to me to this day? How have those values shaped my experiences in Korea so far? What does it mean for me going forward? These are questions I want to ask myself, reflect upon, and continue to explore as I await to begin another journey in Korea once again.

If I rewind to when I first started listening to Korean music, it would be when I was… I don’t even know. I was exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8 years old, when my sister was sucked into the very beginnings of OG K-pop: Wonder Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, you name ‘em all. I’ve talked about this a lot, but during those days I was never particularly interested in that side of music. It didn’t make much sense to me and it just sounded mreh. But after several years of this exposure, I fell into my own K-pop obsession-hole starting with LEDApple, a very unassuming, catchy-music-making band. I was in it for the music. At first.

Okay, now fast forward past my kpop era: you can read all about it in my very extensive post from about a year ago here. But yes, lets leave that chunk of my life behind and think about where I stand from a “music maturation” perspective. Right here. Right now.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or day or time in which I fell into the “deeper” side of Korean music. I am pretty certain that it simply occurred naturally, gradually. What I know for a fact is that I owe so much of myself to my music. At any given point in my life thus far, my music has defined a large portion of my identity: it really does mean a lot to me. I am constantly listening to music. To narrow this down into my current self’s context, my music mostly consists of Roy Kim, Sam Kim, DAY6, Kim Feel, Fromm, Jung Sewoon, Eddy Kim, Kwon Jin Ah, and many many many others.

These artists, the music that they make, is not K-pop. It never will be. I don’t care what those stupid Spotify playlists call some of the songs from these musicians, but they are not and never will be K-pop. (At most DAY6 could come closest to fitting). My discovery of each and every one of these artists varies from person to person of course, but most of my sentiments remain the same all throughout. I would give my everything for these people. But I want to make it very very very clear: it is not necessarily these PEOPLE, these faces, these appearances, these artists themselves that I am oh-so enthusiastic about. It is their voice & music. That is honestly all it really comes down to at the end of day. It is and has always been about the music.

I owe my deep appreciation for my music to several various factors ranging from emotionally & mentally detached parents & family, my somewhat introverted personality, and my incessantly over-analytical mindset. However, what exactly constitutes this deep appreciation is what I want to explore. A certain fact is that I hated high school. As I grew up through the ages of 13 to 17, I completely despised the American public education system that was high school. Without getting into the complex details about my community that was the heart of Silicon Valley and the various cultural pushes, I just have to say that high school felt like a sort of mental torture for me.

And during all those times, when I needed it the most, when I felt so completely lost, when I felt like no one would listen to me, nothing could console my distressed heart and mind, I always fell back to many of those artists listed above. Particularly to Roy and Sam. I owe them SO MUCH. They literally changed my life.

Home. 영원한 건 없지만. Your Song. These three songs, my life songs. Their lyrics literally saved my life. They mean everything to me. Without these songs from Roy & Sam, I would not be where I am today.

All my artists that I mentioned make their own music. They write, compose, produce, everything. They are the true masters of their voices (see, not K-pop). And so, when I listen to them, when I absorb their voices & melodies, I can sometimes really feel their sincerity, their yearning. I am so thankful for what they have produced for this world and for my ears to hear. However, within the past 4 months, I got to see, know, understand, and FEEL these artists on a whole new level.

In chronological order, here is a list of the artists I saw live &/or in person during my time in Korea thus far:

08/31 Roy Kim & Son Seungyeon @ Picnic Concert

09/01 Monogram, Baek Yerin, Kwak Jineon, Paul Kim, Bol4, Crush, Urban Zakapa @ Someday Festival (Day 1)

09/02 Fromm, Jo Hyunah, Jung Sewoon, Roy Kim, Yong Junhyung & Yang Yoseob, K. Will @ Someday Festival (Day 2)

09/08 DAY6 @ You Made My Day Fanmeeting

09/20 Roy Kim @ SNU Fall Festival

11/02 Roy Kim & Kim Haon @ Daellim Univ. Halloween Festival

11/04 Nam Woohyun (& Jang Dongwoo, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Sungyeol) @ 식목일 (Day 3)

11/10 Fromm @ Seoul Music Forum Mini Concert & Free Fansigning

11/11 Eddy Kim @ Miles Apart Album Fansigning

11/22 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Release Showcase

12/01 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Fansigning

12/09 Fromm @ "Midnight Candy" Mini Album Release Concert

12/16 Roy Kim @ ROchestra Live Tour 2018 (Seoul Day 2)

12/21 Sam Kim @ Lotte Tower World Park Christmas Busking

12/22 DAY6 @ "The Present" Christmas Special Concert (Day 1)

Breakdown:

Free: 5 events

Paid Tix: 6 events

Album Purchase & Application: 4 events

🌹 Roy Kim: 5 times

🌚 Sam Kim: 3 times

🌓 Fromm: 3 times

🎸 DAY6: 2 times

As an avid fan of many of these artists for YEARS, like Infinite for 8 years, Roy for 5, Sam since his debut in Apr. 2016, DAY6 since their debut in Sept. 2015, Fromm for over 4 years, Eddy for over 5 years, etc etc. I NEVER thought I would actually get to see or hear these people live. Okay, granted I saw DAY6 live back in Oct. 2017 as well as Sam & the entire Antenna fam in Sept. 2017, both in LA. But doing 3 fansignings????? Meeting and talking with Fromm, Eddy Kim, AND Sam Kim???? Seeing Roy FIVE TIMES??????????? Three times for FREE, once at a festival, and then even being able to go his end-of-the-year solo concert???????? Y’all…. It was literally a dream come true. A stroke of luck tenfold. Twelvefold. I saw at least one treasured artist a total of fifteen times. Whether it was at a college busking event, the Someday music festival, a fansigning, a fanmeeting, or even a solo concert. I was somehow there.

Seeing Roy live was something I thought I would never ever ever in my lifetime get to do. As I explained in my 1st semester wrap-up post found here, Roy’s situation with school made my hopes seem very bleak from the get-go. But still, my luck persisted 5 times throughout. I almost, nearly, COMPLETELY failed to acquire a ticket for his ROchestra solo concert, Seoul Day 2 show. It was probably the most energy-draining, stressful, painful and TERRIBLE ticketing experience I have ever experienced. And trust me, I’ve done lots of ticketing before (unfortunately). But after 1 hour of staying glued to that PC bang computer screen, I managed. And I went. And maybe I’ll have to do a separate post for it, but Roy Kim’s concert on December 16th, 2018, was the best concert I have ever been to in my life. Easily. It was so breath-taking.

But yes, enough with Roy. Fromm is my ultimate indie goddess and she has a charm that is so indescribably perfect. She decided to release a mini album over a year since her last one, in the middle of November while I was there and I wanted to DIE. It was suchhhhh a solid release, and I even got to attend a free fansigning with her as well for her solo concert for the album release. I LOVE her cheeky personality so much. And she really is just sooooo kind. I couldn’t have much of a conversation with her due to the time constraint, but I at least got to snap a quick selfie heh (which i wont exposed bc privacy ya feel??). Her solo concert was gorgeous in every single way; I honestly would be willing to pay any price to go to it again in a heartbeat. Even though it was for her “Midnight Candy” album release, it was basically a Fromm discography concert because she sang EVERYTHING and I was THIS close to wanting to cry because I just felt so grateful & happy in those moments. I love her I really do. Ah, also, 2 out of the 3 times I saw her, I wrote to her & posted on Instagram and she liked both posts for me :”).

Sam…. My luck with Sam was out of this world honestly…. I still get goosebumps thinking about how blessed I was to see Sam 3 times, 2 times in very special instances. First off. He announced the release of his FIRST FULL album after a TWO YEAR & A HALF HIATUS. Y’all. This boy hadn’t released anything for 2.5 entire years since his debut and then suddenly WHAM he does it. Somehow right when I was in Korea. AH… I still….. I’m still screaming inside. I screamed aloud in my room for a good 5 minutes straight when I first saw the news, and yes, to this day I am still screaming. His three pre-release tracks were GORGEOUS & Sun And Moon, track 1, literally brought me to tears without even trying. I had been missing his voice and presence for so long…

And then, for the full album release, Antenna announced a post in which if you pre-order his album when it comes out & email the Antenna staff with the receipt showing proof, you will be put in a drawing to attend his live showcase on the night of its release. OHMYGOSH. I knew I had to do it. I struggled a little bit & even felt like I was doing everything so untimely, but I am SO blessed that I really was able to order & pay for it, shoot Antenna an email real quick, and then nervously await my results for like a week. That one Friday the results were to be emailed out, I remembering feeling extremely anxious all throughout the day. I desperately wanted to go…. And at 6:00PM…. I got the email!!!!! I was literally shaking, hands & knees trembling and everything. I actually got invited to the ‘Sun And Moon’ 1st Album Showcase!!! Y’all!!! It was so amazing. It was the night before I had to leave to Taiwan early in the morning so it was quite stressful, but still!!!!! I felt so honored to be there that night: the venue was extremely intimate and Sam was soooososoooo gooooddd and the tracks he sang were sooo beautiful and just… everything about it was like a dream. I was truly blessed.

A week later…. Antenna announced Sam’s first FANSIGNING & once again I was overwhelmed with this “OMG I WANT TO GO, but how, should I really, but what about….??”. It was a physical album-purchase-based application process which means I had to go to this specific bookstore in Gangnam, buy x-amount of albums, and based on that amount, my name will be put into a drawing that many times. Very basic fansigning grounds. I already pre-ordered his album for the showcase, so I honestly didn’t really need another one… but I decided to test my luck & just purchase 1 measly album & see if that ONE album will help me get chosen. And o boy. I GOT IN :”)). When I saw my name on that list in the official fancafe post, I couldn’t believe it….

On the day of the fansigning which was happening inside a mall, starting at a certain time I was able to walk in and choose a random number from 1-100 and since I arrived early, I got to choose pretty early as well. When I saw my number I literally gasped aloud: #7. I know it’s a corny & cliché favorite number but only bc infinite ok. Being #7 meant that I literally say FRONT & CENTER of the stage…not even stage. There wasn’t a stage... it was just an open area. My turn came around very quickly because I was early and let’s just say I was a fking mess, repeating thank you over and over & literally, incessantly telling him how thankful I am for his music and how grateful that after all that time he took to came back, he came right when I was in Korea and how I was at Antenna in LA & his showcase too and thank you thank you, yadda yadda. Yeah…..I suck at these things I really do. Then, at the end of it all, he took a picture with the crowd of fans and ended up sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME LMAOOOOOOO. Okay here is a picture of maybe my biggest life accomplishment??? jk but no rly LOL.

look ma, i made it :”)

But really, the fact that I actually got to talk to Sam & just try to relay all my thanks that I have been owing to him for many years… wow… I’m still in shock and I am just so eternally thankful. I used to think to myself “damn, I wish I could talk to Sam one day” and damn…. I really did do it…

Eddy Kim was also another meeting that I could have only dreamed of before coming to Korea… His last release was 4 goddamn years ago oh my gosh… This fansign application was not a random drawing like Sam’s but just a “buy his album at this bookstore & u get in” sort of thing. To be honest I could blatantly tell that Eddy’s popularity is definitely not as comparable to the other artists that I cherish & I was quite shocked by this revelation. I knew for sure in America, who the hell would ever know him. But even in Korea, he seemed… just really not that well-known, especially from a music perspective. It was interesting and even a little disheartening to see. He was very kind & cutely impressed with my Korean skills and we literally just talked in a bunch of Konglish & once again I just kept repeating how thankful I was for his music in my life. How I waited for so long and his release literally matched up with my time there as well. Even though I never got to hear Eddy sing live, I am more than happy with the fact that I simply got to chat with him & relay my heart as best as possible.

After doing 3 full fansignings I have fully realized that as grateful for the opportunities I am, they are so difficult and stressful… To be given such a short amount of time to spill out my heart is essentially impossible for me LOL. I’d rather much LOVE to just to sit down with these artists not to fangirl or cry, but to have a real, genuine conversation about their music and why it holds so much sentiment for me. I would love to ask questions about their music and I would love to share with them how much it means me & why I am so thankful at the end of the day. That’s what I really wish I could do. Because even as I hurriedly expressed my countless thanks and probably sounded like a hot mess, I feel like I still just came off as a surface-level fan saying their thanks. But noo! In reality, I just wanted to relay how much their music means to me (I literally just typed this wow repetition is gr8). Which I feel like I really couldn’t do properly… I couldn’t get my heart across all the way ☹ but it’s okay because as I’ve been repeating, I am infinitely thankful nonetheless.

My first DAY6 event, their 3rd year anniversary 1st fanmeeting, was a bit of a flop for me simply because they talked wayyyyy to much & played stupid games & everything… and it was cute, but not what I was there for. I kinda wished I heard more of them singing, but it’s okay. In no way am I undermining this monumental day because I know it meant a lot to the boys & fans collectively. Jae could not participate due to health reasons & it definitely put a huge damper on the entire atmosphere, but the members tried their best and the entire audience even consistently sang aloud all of Jae’s parts during the songs when his voice was not there. They also sang a never-before-released track with Jae and they all just cried a bunch and me, sitting there, watching those light-wrist-band-thingies glow & beam & shine in-sync with the music, all sorts of colors, in a massive wave of lights & fanchants & music sewn together… wow it was honestly stunning & one of the most awesome spectacles I’ve ever experienced. Korean fans are really something else….

Speaking of which, attending 15 events during my 4 months there taught me many things about Korean concerts & fans that I find so extremely fascinating.

For most concerts, whether they are super hype-y & K-pop-y or a ballad one with minimal need for movement, when there are seats, fans with stay seated for the most part. In America, I feel like all fans tend to automatically stand (for basically all K-pop acts) regardless of the seating. But in Korea, at my experiences with DAY6 in particular (I also have heard that BTS in Seoul was the same), fans stayed sitting basically all throughout. The most like bodily movements they require would be the waving of their lightsticks. It was honestly pretty refreshing to see a generally calm & collected audience, at least where there was seating.

The fanchants are out of this world !!!!! Especially for the 2 times I saw DAY6, the fans were so on point with their fanchants: they were loud and clear and crisp AND THEY MATCHED WITH THE LIGHTS ON THEIR WRISTBANDS AND EVERYTHING wow was that so cool to see… The fans are super in unison & it honestly adds such a new level of energy to the experience.

SINGING !! Of course, since all these fans are Korean, they can actually sing all of these songs at concerts, unparalleled to international fans lol. One really cool moment at DAY6 that I will probably remember forever simply because this song is gorgeous & means a lot to me… but at day 1 of DAY6’s ‘The Present’ xmas concert series, Wonpil said “We’ve been on world tour for a while now and I’ve been wanting to try this out… if I play this song, can you sing for me?” and of course we all unconditionally said yes. And he started to play 그렇더라고요 on the keyboard & the ENTIRE AUDIENCE caught on immediately & we all sang the entire intro & first verse together in unison, as loud as we could, as the members joined in one by one w/ their own instruments, just watching us as we SANG FOR THEM. It was so cute & we even did it again with 장난 아닌데. This sort of stuff…. Wow…. Can only really happen at a domestic concert, which was honestly so so so beautiful. I LOVED IT!!!

No crazy, constant screaming during every part of the performance. Fans in Korea honestly only scream when necessary… ya feel? Sometimes at concerts, I feel like fans are just screaming at the top of the lungs the entire time, during every second of a song. But Korean fans chant when there is a chant, and cheer & scream when it really fits the situation. I really liked this more toned-down atmosphere from the Korean audiences.

I think that’s all I can really narrow down from my various experiences at Korean concerts compared to the ones in America… It really is quite different though, and I feel so honored to have witnessed this comparison countless times. I am really just honored to be there at those moments in general.

Which brings back around to this… upgraded level of connection towards my artists. After seeing so many of them in person and more than once for that matter, when listening to their music now… something definitely sounds different. When I listened to these artists before I saw them right in front of my eyes, their real, authentic voices blasting into my ears, I still felt moved, I still felt goosebumps, choked up, a bulging affection sometimes. And not that I have lost those feelings, no, definitely not. Now… now, when I listen to these artists through my earbuds or through my laptop… I can literally hear them in my ear. Does that even make sense? Well, duh… of course I can hear them. But like… it’s like… I can hear them on a much more intimate level than ever before. Now, I can really imagine & sense these voices in my head. I can pick up the sound of their breaths, picture their expressions, and really just HEAR their voices as if they were physically singing into my ear right there in that moment, in person. It’s such a peculiar and special and unique feeling that is honestly so hard to describe with just words…

But to be honest like… to this day I still cannot wrap my head around everything. I can barely count and keep track of all the artists I saw and when I saw them and what they sang. I feel like SO MUCH happened that my mind can barely grasp it all, as much as it wants to do so so badly… I still can barely comprehend it… years ago I would cry to Sam Kim, ponder how amazing he would be live… and then literally somehow, he sang two songs like 7 feet in front of me, and even sat right next to me. I thought Fromm was a goddess from another world: but I somehow got to talk to her & even take a selfie?? What?? I thought the world would never let me see Roy who always has his school life to manage as well…. But I got to see him live 5 times?? And even go to his solo concert?? WHAT??????? HOW????????? YOU GUYS, I could honestly go on and on and on because it still all feels like a dream…

In particular with Roy Kim… I say this to myself all the time, the irony is just… wow. Who would’ve known that after years of watching countless fancams, effortlessly memorizing his scarce yet existent fanchants, also memorizing set-lists without even trying, becoming all-too-familiar with things like the way he talks, addresses the crowd, sings specific songs, even all the way down to the way he does adlibs for certain songs… I unknowingly picked up & knew these performance aspects SO WELL through pure admiration, enthusiasm and just LOVE for every song he sings. And who would’ve known, that years later, I would have my very own fancams to cry over. After years of literally watching almost EVERY fancam of him on youtube, at all the various events he performed at, some years more frequently than others, today I can proudly say that I have my very own fancams of him, too. Ohmygosh, it’s still so hard for me to believe…

It really just….. *breathes deeply & tries to recollect self for the 24980164th time*…. It just goes to show… No, okay I don’t really know what it goes to show… But one thing is a fact: loving, cherishing, being thankful for, dedicating so much of my emotional & mental strength towards these seemingly-no-one artists has paid off tenfold. No, billionfold. I don’t even know. I just…. I just never thought I could do and see and hear and experience the things that I did. Never. These people…. These people have given me so much, and although I tucked them deep into the folds of my heart for years, I never thought I could truly open up these treasured feelings one day & TRULY support them with my very own eyes & ears & heart. IN person. I am just so so so blessed. So thankful. Really. Always.

Now, it’s time to bring myself to reality & to think about what this means for me going forward. I don’t want to believe in my passion for my music as a phase: Infinite & all things K-pop wasn’t simply a phase for me. It literally was a maturation, a self-realization, a loss of support for the things I never really knew or understood until time started to pass. I don’t think I grew out of K-pop. I think I simply grew with K-pop & got to understand more about it. And with that understanding came a change of heart. Which is literally the title of my post from years ago: “why I fell out of love with K-pop”. It’s not just “Oh, I am older now. So, I don’t want to like this seemingly childish stuff”. No, it was never about K-pop’s image or whatever. I can’t emphasize more, but it always comes down to the music for me.

Infinite has been and is a piece of my life that I will never forget. A piece of my life that has literally brought me to where I am today. I sit here, with my experiences and knowledge and feelings, in part, due to Infinite. I can guarantee anyone that much. And so, no, they really weren’t just a phase. Things change, people grow older, time flows. That’s just how it works. Does my heart ache over old K-pop like every day? Hell yeah it does LOL. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only thank old & 2nd-gen K-pop for the amazing memories that it has given me.

And so, with my music and my artists today, is this all a phase? Will I stop being as enthusiastic years later, like I did with Infinite? You see, with Infinite, I was always apprehensive. At the age of 12, I KNEW that time would eventually take its toll & my blatant love would not necessarily transcend the years that will drag on in the future. But that never made my appreciation for them dim: it only grew stronger as the days went by. I think I am always apprehensive. I think I always fear losing the feelings that I feel with great passion & love at this moment in time. Just as Roy says, 영원한 건 없지만. Nothing lasts forever (but...). I literally think about this all the time. It is such an important concept to me, and it is how I motivate myself to be thankful for everything and everyone and to just take things one step at a time. And so, to really answer my question: is this all just a phase?

I really, honestly, hope… No, I just think not. I really do not think so. At the age of say, 24, five years from now, will I still be loving Roy & Sam & DAY6 & Fromm & everyone else? I really honestly hope so. For as long as they can make music, I can keep loving them, right? Just as Infinite has done since I was 11, 8 years ago, up until today, I firmly believe that my artists can continue this long-lasting impression on my life. They instill a sort of magic & sentiment in my life that almost nothing else in this world can do for me. And for that, I will stay grateful for & only hope for the best.

Roy is currently back in school right now, finishing up his last semester before he finally gets to graduate! I am excited and proud and a bit sad all at the same time. But honestly, it really just comes down to the humanness of these people. When I first saw Infinite back in 2013 as a lil 14 year-old, I guess you could say I was starstruck. I was like “that’s them??!?? Those dudes ive spent countless hours watching through the computer screen?????? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME?”. I had similar thoughts at the LA K-pop Festival in Apr. 2014 when I saw many many many of the big, og k-pop groups at that time. It was hard to believe that these people are real. I would say that my experience with the “With Antenna” in LA concert back in Sept. 2017 made me come to this important realization. That was the first concert where I actually spent the entire time sitting down and just listening. Listening to these wonderful musicians playing their instruments & singing gorgeous songs & just absorbing all that godly magic in the air at that place in time.

I really got to feel how human artists are at the end of the day. K-pop is always built up to be this larger-than-life dynamic, but real artists… No, they’re so much more different. They are simply people, like you and me, with a passion for their music & they wish to share that passion with the rest of the world. That’s it. The sincerity & genuineness that goes into my artists’ music can literally be felt from all the way across the world, just through a few audio snippets, fancams, and grainy Instagram videos. And that is seriously so beautiful. They are so amazing at what they do, they truly are.

Roy’s last two songs from 2018 were purely love song ballads, and I am not complaining or anything. As solid and classic as these tracks were, I still miss that acoustic, healing tone from him. Before he left for school again, he mentioned several times that he wants to come back with music that will console listeners. I was honestly so genuinely happy to hear this. He knows, he honestly, really does. He has even said it before, but he knows that his music can literally lift people back up from the dead. He wants to do that for them. For you and me, who struggle in life when the going gets rough, he wants to be of some sort of help, no matter how minuscule. He knows, he really does. And that is just so beautiful. I am so proud of him & I can’t wait to see what he will have in store for us in the coming months (after his grad, that is).

To all my artists that made these 4 months feel like a literal dream: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. Thank you. Always.

늘 고마워요.

[v-le]

Ktravels/Klife: Halfway through it all / 첫 학기 끝 !

Foreword: I am almost done! I am almost done with my first semester at Yonsei… damn.

I honestly cannot believe that time flew by so fast. I’ve mentioned this before, but I had been thinking about studying abroad for over a year before coming here. And now that I am about halfway through with this experience… damn, I just have no words. Jk I do, which is why I’m writing this right now lol.

My favorite parts about Korea so far: it is my emotional, musical wonderland. More on that later, but… it’s heart-warming to hear so many of my favorite, treasured artists occasionally on the streets or in a café. And no, not K-pop lol I know nothing about K-pop anymore. In terms of café culture, it’s a love and hate relationship because some of them are just so expensive sigh. BUT, after going to so many different cafes like all around Seoul, I have come to actually have specific preferences for what constitutes a gr8 café (for studying specifically bc that’s all my friends and I mostly do at cafes anyway LOL) hehe:

AFFORDABLE!! No normal person should be paying like 7 or 8 bucks for a goddamn coffee. Base price for drinks should be around 5,000 won. If their iced caramel macchiato costs more than 5,500 won, the place is too expensive.  If it’s less than 5,000 won,

Reasonable cup sizes! Or better, LARGE ONES! (안녕, 낯선 사람 in hongdae has some super bang-for-your-buck coffee drinks, the best I’ve seen!! :^))

Music that isn’t too loud

OUTLETS. OUTLETS ARE A MUST.

Plentiful seats so that it’s never too packed & large-enough tables

Nice temperature (aka not too cold in the winter, not too hot in the summer)

You can sneak in outside food & eat it blatantly even if there are signs saying not to, and no one will ever say anything

Not too crusty: cozy, but clean

A nice, well-maintained bathroom

It may seem impossible to find the perfect café that could meet all of these expectations, but honestly there are just SO many cafes in seoul, that if you search hard enough or have enough luck, some will be out there somewhere :^)

ALSO can I address the business turnover rate here?? Is this why Seoul is considered a fast-paced city?? So many times, my friends I have tried to go to cafes or restaurants or stores we’ve seen online or found on Kakao/Naver Maps, only to arrive and discover that THEY’RE GONE. Even if I did thorough research and found a blog post of a place from 2 months prior, the place is just POOF, disappeared into thin air. This has literally happened countless times and we are flabbergasted each time LOL. As limited as the database of 맛집’s and cafes already is online, the Internet & maps can’t even keep up to date with information either. Businesses open up so randomly fast, too it’s crazy… Mangoplate, the supposed “yelp” of Korea honestly is not that useful either LOL it usually has places on the pricier side, it is also not always up to date, and I just feel like Seoul/Korea has way too many places & businesses worth trying that they can’t even all fit into one database. There are just so many of those un-documentable places. So I suggest: find a neighborhood, go with your friends, take a stroll around the place, and try to stumble upon a place of your liking. Unless you can read Korean & utilize naver blogs (slightly more extensive and useful than mangoplate but still not 100% reliable all the time), then walking around is probably your best bet rather than attempting to do research online. Trust me.

Hmm what else is there… It’s really nice to be able to get/buy anything pretty easily, with convenience. I am afraid I will get too used to this once I go back to the states.

I think once the work started to pick up later in the semester, I definitely started falling into a routine of going to my morning class & then leaving sinchon to run errands elsewhere in Seoul, or simply doing work in the business building which quickly became my go-to spot because 1) outlets, 2) can eat food 3) very nice facility, literally sparkling 4) on campus. It kinda hurts to think that this short-lived routine will be over quite soon, but maybe next semester will be a little more exciting.

Although I haven’t been speaking as much Korean as I would like to, I do feel like my Korean has improved to an extent: (very slightly) vocab-wise, reading-wise, and writing-wise. It is honestly SO refreshing to finally be learning Korean in a formal, classroom setting. It honestly makes me regret not doing it sooner. Why did I lock myself up in my room for 8 years and only settle for learning on my own?? Sigh, it’s okay. I can only get better from here, right? As much as I hate the timing of KLI, I still really do enjoy the class nonetheless and I feel some sort of… growth? I appreciate how all my background knowledge of Korean has helped me up to this point as well. That at least, I can be proud of lol.

With languages and culture in general, throughout the semester, for the first time ever, I got to reflect on how valuable languages are. It is so interesting; I’ll try my best to explain my realizations, but it might come out as gibberish in the end… I really think anyone that has been born & raised in the US should spend a prolonged amount of time abroad. As homogeneous of a society Korea is, being here has opened my eyes to the global society. The society in which multiculturalism is embraced, there is no one correct language of communication, and every member listens to the various cultural values of one another without judgement. I never thought of English as being a powerful language. In fact, I honestly think I have been taking English for granted. I have never realized the immensity of the English language, how the rest of the world vies to master it, and how I have been blessed to have grown up with English as my native tongue. But on the flip-side, learning other languages is just as worthwhile. Communicating in a different language is literally honing a different perspective, mentality, and set of values. You can try to translate target languages into your native tongue for ease of comprehension. Or, what I have come to deeply appreciate and understand is, you can and should take the target language as it is. In order to connect with the language and consequently the culture, stop thinking in terms of your native tongue. Doing this to a deeper extent in Korea than I ever did before has felt extremely rewarding: it makes the language dynamic and exciting to learn. It has led me to cherish specific words or phrases, more so than I already did before arriving here. And it really is just… beautiful. LEARN A SECOND LANGUAGE! EXPLORE GLOBALIZATION!

Quite frankly though, I am disappointed that I haven’t been able to go to as many places as I would like, within in Korea. Okay more like: I am super grateful for the gorgeous places I have been to, but I also wish I could’ve visited those classic, “must-see” places like Busan, Jeju-do, Jeonju, Daegu, etc. I did however, visit lesser known, less expecting (??) places like Gangwon-do (Jumunjin Beach, Gangmun Beach, Gangneung, Yeongwol, Jeongseon, Pyeongchang) & Gyeongju & like Anyang & Seongnam…? Do these last two even count LOL theyre just smoller cities outside of Seoul… but yeah, I guess I’ll just have to save Busan and Jeju and the others for next semester… when I’m not as broke hopefully lmao.

But forreals, I actually really appreciated my trip to Gangwon-do even though it was technically an assignment for one of my courses called “New Media and Digital Storytelling” (shoutout to prof ted for supporting us with this valuable experience!!) because it was literally a breath of fresh air. Seoul is constantly jampacked with people and cars and smog and noises, but Gangneung was still a city, still just as civilized, but much quieter. Granted, nothing much happens out there and some parts are straight up just farming grounds, but the beaches have these stunning sunsets that look like they’re straight out of a graphically-altered fantasy movie. It was stunning and the image still lasts behind my eyes to this day.

One of the other things that I have been struggling to accept is that fact that I feel… unproductive in life? I wish I put myself more out there this semester. Even though I met a good number of locals and have had a few valuable conversations, I never deeply connected with any of them. Plus, almost all of them are going abroad next semester or graduating ☹. I also did not join any clubs or organizations or sports teams nor did I get a job or an internship or do any tutoring or volunteering on the side… I have just been going to class, occasionally spending a lot of money, and then spending some more. Last year at UCI, I feel like I ran into my freshman year with a fiery heart: I joined the badminton team, became a part of the Antleader Mentorship Program (AMP, which I miss so dearly with all of my heart) in fall & winter quarter, and took all upper division education courses my spring quarter as well as fulfilled my fieldwork major requirement by tutoring at a Kindergarten class for 6 hours every week. But coming to Korea, everything felt stagnant. Academically, career-wise, I feel like everything has been on a pause. Granted, many people could tell me that “Oh, you just being in Korea is already so much more than you need! You are doing more than enough, don’t worry”. But am I really?? I beg to differ. I am honestly pretty disappointed in myself and at this point all I can push for is to try to get more involved next semester. It has also been hurting to know that I have been digging into my precious savings that took over 2 long years to build up so quickly :(.

SO yeah, as great as Korea has been, it’s also been money-draining and disappointing from a personal-growth kind of view. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but that is also simply my reality. I think I am also choosing to be hard on myself because my luck with all my favorite artists has just been… totally undeserving.

I feel so blessed and “but why me??” at the same time. I have gotten to see Roy Kim four times live (fifth time will be this coming Sunday; the Seoul shows were blessedly scheduled the weekend right before I leave) & he released a new song in September. Eddy Kim, whom ive been waiting 4 years for to come back, finally did so right in the middle of my time here. Fromm, my extremely beloved indie goddess for YEARS now, released a new mini album in November; I got to see her 3 times live, and even attended her breath-taking solo?? Alone?? Personal? 그냥 단독 콘서트. Sam Kim, who I first listened to when I was 15, who has saved my life so many times with his music, finally released a FULL-length album 2 years and 6 months since his debut EP. Not only was I selected to go to his album’s release showcase, but I also got to a meet him through a fansign event. Oh yeah, I also met Fromm through a free fansigning & Eddy Kim through his new album’s fansign event, too. (I will post about these artist-meeting experiences separately because I feel like these three occasions alone have taught me so much). I saw DAY6 live for their third-year debut anniversary and I could feel the immensity and sincerity brimming from their voices, especially with an unfortunately missing member from stage; I will be seeing them soon for their newest music release, which also happened to come out this December. Nam Woohyun of Infinite, the group that I gave my heart to for over a third of my life, the group that I owe so much of my existence to, released another solo mini album, and I was lucky enough to even attend day 3 of his solo concert series; I saw a few other members of Infinite, I could feel my 12-year-old heart screaming & flailing & crying & apologizing from within because I’ve missed them for so long now, and I even heard a never-before released track from him as well. It was a miracle; I saw Woohyun & glimpses of the others on November 4th. Almost exactly 5 years ago in 2013, on November 11th, I went to a concert for the first time in my life and saw those very own loves with my own eyes: Infinite.

ALL OF THESE. ALL OF THESE EVENTS. Have been a blessing. Have been some sort of indescribable, boundless, breath-taking stroke of luck. I promise you, just luck. Roy just somehow decided to take a break from school at Georgetown THIS semester. Eddy Kim, Fromm, Sam Kim, Woohyun, and DAY6 all just somehow decided to release new music within the last half of this year. ME, I, just somehow decided to study abroad not as a 3rd year nor a 4th year, but a mere 2nd year. I decided to leave my home university barely 1 year in, and go to Korea. Just because. Because it felt right and I knew I wanted to, I knew I had to. But never could I have predicted any of these things to happen. Never in a million years. The very artists that I had only been listening to and watching from my computer screen for years as I hid beneath the deep blankets of my bed, the artists that have made me cry on cue because of how beautiful, meaningful, and healing their music is, the artists that seem to barely exist on the Internet, that are so lowkey and precious that I feel like I am the only that really listens to and loves them, the very artists that make my world revolve, that push me to go on when I want to give up, that I owe so much of my life to, all decided to release music, suddenly be active, hold events, and meet their fans in one way or another. Right. When. I am here, too. This sort of timing in life is nothing I had control of. It was all luck and I am just so deeply, infinitely, perpetually, until the end of this world, thankful. Every day I am so thankful. I didn’t ask for any of this, I didn’t hope for it, I didn’t even think about the possibility of these events happening in my life. But they did somehow. And for that, I am just so so so grateful. It’s just crazy to think that years ago, as a sophomore in high school. My heart would bulge with immense affection for these people & their music. They were unreal, almost-fantasy-like existences that made life-saving music and that I cherished so immensely. But little did I know 4 or 5 years later, this could happen to me. That there was actually a worth to loving these almost “nobody” musicians. I just constantly feel like I am always receiving from them, and never giving back. I really do owe them so much. Thank you, to my beloved artists. For everything.

Moving on to the people that have made my first semester here at Yonsei even brighter: our dumbass squad consisting of lil hoorey, 왕언니 ana, smol laura, dumbass closted weaboo Wilson, & even dumber josh LOL I am so blessed to have met such funny, stupid, understanding friends. Before arriving to Korea, I was STRESSED that I wouldn’t be able to find friends because I hate alcohol, I hate clubbing, I hate mainstream K-pop and simply many parts of popular Korean culture are things that I am not particularly a fan of. But thankfully, I have found an endearing group of friends that share these same sentiments. These reliable people have honestly shaped so much of my experiences here and I am forever thankful. IT JUST SUCKS THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE STAYING FOR A YEAR LOL. But yes, thank you friends, for everything <3 .

Have I exhausted all of my thanks at this point?? Probably not. But I’ll save those for my own heart and mind to cherish. Going abroad was and has been and will be an experience that I don’t think I could ever properly express with words alone. I think it’s always like that when it comes to these rants LOLLL. I rant because I need to vent these feelings and emotions and flaring thoughts. But I just end up struggling to articulate everything and get my heart across properly. Sigh.

Homesickness? Is this something I was supposed to address? Maybe exchange students are probably expected to always talk about this. But for me, it was a nonexistent notion. Being born and raised in the bay area, having lived in the same exact house, having slept in the same creaky, old bed for 18 years in a row, has provided me with a comfort that I probably take for granted more than I should, but has also left me with an intense urgency to explore more, see more, do more, and just breathe more. The Bay Area can be extremely toxic and suffocating in so many ways, and it a space that I know I can go back to whenever my heart desires, but it is also a space that I do not wish to prolong my stay in any further. My immediate family has also never been a significant part of my life: I have never relied on them for emotional nor mental support. Maturing into an adult with this sort of detachment has hindered and helped me in countless ways. There were definitely times throughout my life where I despised them for the way in which everything turned out. For how miserable or lonely or stuck or negligent I sometimes felt. But I know that without that detachment, I would not be where I am today. To my next semester at Yonsei, you look questionable, daunting, and exciting. I honestly can’t even begin to imagine what will be in store for me. All I can wish for is health & happiness.

가즈으으아!!~

[v-le]

Ktravels / Klife: Quarter of the way through Thoughts

Foreword: I have spent the past two-ish months as a student at Yonsei University. To be honest, this is quite overdue & I am not really posting it at the exact timing that it was meant to be posted at, but... it is okay. This piece of text reflects my journey in Korea so far. What a whirlwind.

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When I made this decision about a year ago, in fact, way before I even entered college, I knew that I wanted to come back. I just kept telling myself “I need to go back, I need to go back”. Even as the memories I had made here from early 2016 were starting to gradually fade, I knew that something about Korea fueled my desires to return, no matter what it took. What was it about Korea specifically that made we want to come back so badly? Granted, it is a completely different culture than America; the food, fashion trends, weather, infrastructure, public transportation, just about almost everything is different. But why did that appeal to me?

I admit I have watched a great number of Korean dramas and have been listening to solely Korean music since I was about 12 years old. Many would probably roll their eyes or think “Oh, so she’s one of those people...”. But before you label me as a Koreaboo or some Korean-obsessed fangirl, all I can tell you is that I know I am not that kind of person, in the slightest. Before coming here, I did not have fantasies about Korean boys or the “Korean lifestyle”. I believe most Kdramas are trash, I hate the cliché ones, and I have fully understood for a long time that they do not portray Korean life accurately, in the slightest. I have fallen out of K-pop since long ago, in fact, I despise it in SO MANY ways, enough to write a 36-page research paper on it for one of my writing classes at UCI. Does that mean I blatantly hate K-pop? No, because I have also spent all my preteen years treasuring a specific group named Infinite, spending countless dollars for various concerts, and essentially revolving my LIFE around certain K-pop groups and songs and content. I am no foreigner to either sides of K-pop, but I have grown to take a firm stance against it today.

SO why in the world am I here??? Why in the world did I push myself to leave UCI after merely 1 year there, to spend my entire sophomore year of college here????? The fact that I still reflect on this decision despite it already been made shows how much this experience means to me. There are obvious reasons: food, music, concerts, public transportation, yadda yadda. Post-grad decisions were a big part of it too. I have barely shifted into the Education Sciences major at UCI, and now that I have finally found it to be an area I truly wish to devote my time towards, I had to look to the future, too. As easy as it sounds, “teaching English abroad” may be a common, but it is in no means as simple as “I wanna go, so I’m going to do it”. There is a still a level of competition to it, and moving your entire life to a new country is not as smooth as you may imagine. In fact, the prospects of living abroad, and possibly in Korea, post-grad have always been within my mind. Coming here now, rather than throwing myself into it in the future, will help me make decisions as I transition out of college. I essentially want to find new opportunities for myself, outside of the US. Growing up, I felt constrained to the high expectations of the Silicon Valley, and California in general. But why did I have to settle for that? I refuse to.

Another large factor in my heart being pulled towards this place is because of course, the music. A lot of my friends would joke “Make sure to send me snaps of when you see Roy Kim!!!” because it was a given that I would go see him somehow lol. I admit that as I finish up 2 entire months of being here, I have seen him 4 times, but I am not going to fly all the way here and study for a year just for that. I think this particular topic has been on my mind a lot.

Why am I so passionate about my favorite artists and their music? What sort of value do they all hold to me?

There are those phrases in Korean: 수고했어, 토닥 & just 위로해주는 말들이 that I honestly don’t even want to translate into English because they will lose the true meaning that they hold. These words represent the sorts of emotions that come from of my favorite songs. I plan to make a new & updated list of my favorite "healing songs”, but for now, I can ensure you that they have saved me so, so, so many times. When I say save, I mean that they have given me comfort, they have moved me, they have made me cry, and they have picked me back up onto my feet, more times than I could ever count. There are songs from certain Korean artists that did that, and still continue to do that for me. At certain points in my life, when I needed it the most, there were songs that were there for me. I don’t know if this sort of realm exists in American music, or in other languages even, but my Korean healing songs, which vary from indie, r&b, ballad, acoustic, and folk have truly saved me. This is why I have a burning passion for them. I am infinitely grateful for these artists and their songs.

I simply feel like my heart belongs here. In a place so closely connected with my favorite artists and music, I feel like I am at rest. I would never face judgement for listening to “boring Korean music” here. I can more easily support my artists here. Just being in Korea in general, I can sit and study in pretty cafes for hours. I can take public transportation everywhere without a driver’s license or needing to worry about gas. I can buy good quality makeup for cheap, anywhere. I can fully immerse myself in the language that I first taught myself to read when I was 12.

It also comes down to how much American culture does not appeal to me. I think I have come to the conclusion that American culture & I do not match. Maybe the most American thing that I can appreciate is hot Cheetos & boba. But things like fast food, the beach life, partying & rave culture, and in particular, American pop music, I really have no preference for. Being here in Korea has lead me to really think about the cultural inputs that fuel my own personal interests. I do not know if I can consider this a shift or a revelation, but more of a reflection after years of picking up bits and pieces of Korean culture. For now, I will choose not to dig too deep into ethical and cultural identities, because I know it can get quite messy (after all, there is the Vietnamese side of my life, too). I think I’ll just save that topic for when I fully figure it out myself (which may be never).

So honestly, the quick answer is that: my heart feels at rest here. That is why I chose to come to Korea.

I literally counted down the days during the months before coming here. I was excited, anxious, but honestly just super ready. (besides the fact that I had to go through a great deal of emotional turmoil). Every single day, up until the minute I stepped onto that airplane, I wondered how drastically my life would change. How would my daily life in Korea compare to my daily life in America?

I am still not really sure if I have a solid, thorough answer to this, but here is one thing I can say for certain: I walk a lot. I walk EVERYWHERE. Lol. I eat out every day, because it is much cheaper and easier than cooking. Which means every day, my friends and I struggle to decide what to eat. In America, my friends and I would encounter this debacle occasionally, whenever we chose to “eat out”. But here, it is a daily ordeal. My diet has completely shifted to Korean food, but I honestly don’t mind at all. I have come to realize that most meals here are unbalanced, but being an unhealthy noob like me, who cares LOL. I also cannot stay in my room for too long throughout the day. Maybe it’s just because its Korea, but I constantly feel like I need to be out, doing something, going somewhere, seeing something new. If I stay in my room for a prolonged amount of time, I feel extremely unproductive. I have realized that I am very, super down for anything. Anything besides drinking and clubbing lol. I want to be out all the time, I am fueled by being out, especially amidst the nightlife, and I push myself to go places, even if I have to go alone, because I know my time here is limited & that it is not worth to spend it in my room. (Also, because my roommate is basically in there 24/7). But yes, I try to stay outside of my room for as long as I can. Even if I sleep really late, I won’t sleep until noon or 1, because that will be especially wasteful. Granted I felt the same in the states but still did it; here, I feel the urgency to not sleep in, and just get up and get my day going. One other random thing: I am constantly on my fave artist’s fancafes now LOL. Mainly Roy’s, Sam’s and Eddy’s, but some others too. I have definitely improved in reading faster. And I am consistently looking for opportunities to see or support, and interact with other fans on the fancafes. I mainly used Roy’s back in the states, but being here has compelled me to monitor other artists as well. I also have a lot less time for Kdramas now, even though I know that there are so many that are out right now ☹

Right about today as I type this, October 21st, marks exactly 2 months since I left the states, and lemme tell you, that went by SO fast. It feels like I have been here forever, but at the same time, it feels like I have not done anything all this time? Which is partly true, or jk, mostly true. I feel well settled in, maybe not enough to prepare myself for the fatal winter, but enough to do just about anything by myself. I don’t think I can accurately make a “5 things I love/hate about Korea” list yet, but I am working on it. I don’t consider myself even close to being a true resident (especially without a phone number goddamnit) but I really do like it here. I am not going to say that I love it here & that Korea has fulfilled all my dreams & that i want to die here. Nah, I never have expectations about things like that. I am just really enjoying myself. I like this change in lifestyle, I like this feeling of comfort, and I am considering this place to be a meaningful home for myself in the future, too. That is all.

Regardless of all the struggles I went through to get here, and all the ones I have faced along the way. There is one thing for sure, and it is that I never took any little part of it for granted. It is all about the timing, it really is. If I didn’t choose to go at this point in my life, I wouldn’t have met all the amazing friends I have become close to now. I would’ve never gotten the chance to learn from these people, to have their presence in my life, and to just spend some sincere, good times together. If I didn’t come at this point in my life, I wouldn’t have gotten to experience the different trips & excursions that I have gone on, or will go on soon. 

And honestly, one of the biggest things that I am so eternally grateful for is the music. THREE of my five kims came back. The other 2 will hopefully soon follow. Before I came here, I honestly thought that there was no chance I was ever going to see Roy. It dawned on me one of the days, that he has to return to school at Georgetown (because I know he still hasn’t even graduated yet), so once I arrive here in Korea, he will probably go back. Which means we basically swap countries, & everything becomes pointless. However, about a month before I was set to arrive here, I saw on his fancafe that he was still having schedules planned for early September. This confused me because last year, in 2017, when Roy went back to school, he went back exactly around late August. But this year, he had stuff going on in September, too??? How?? I tried asking some people on the fancafe, and some speculated that it seems like he would be taking a break from school for a little bit. I was honestly shocked. THE GUY WAS ADMITTED IN 2012, AND HE DIDN’T EVEN GRADUATE YET, but hes gonna take a break?? WHY?? BUT ALSO, LIKE, YES!!!! ??? I was very conflicted indeed, and I didn’t know how to feel. How was my luck this good? How was it that OF ALL SEMESTERS I choose to study abroad, Roy chose to take a semester off to promote more as a singer in Korea?? I did not plan this at all. I did not even try with any intentions to see him. It just worked. It really did. And for that, I am so so sooooo thankful. Roy’s song “그때 헤어지면 돼” did really well in Korea when he released it in Feb. So as a “present” for his fans, he released a new song on September 18th, a little after a month since I arrived here. I was so grateful to be hearing new music from him. I was even more grateful to have heard it live, especially since he does not perform on TV often. Then, Eddy Kim, another one of my treasured Kim’s, announced his comeback on October 11th, and I was thoroughly shocked. I screamed for like 5 minutes straight in my room because I was so surprised and I had no clue what to expect. His last mini album was 3 YEARS AND 9 MONTHS AGO. I WAS A SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL when he last made an EP of his own!!!!! And the fact that of all times he could choose to release new music, he chose to do so when I was here. For that, I felt especially blessed. AND THEN, out of nowhere, literally out of the blue, Sam Kim announced his comeback set for October 23rd!! I think I legitimately almost cried when I saw this. Sam’s part 1 album has been my life, “Your Song” IS my life, and the fact that he is finally coming back with new music after 2 YEARS AND 7 MONTHS, made me so overwhelmed. I still cannot believe it. Of all the days that my artists, these artists that disappeared for years, chose to make a comeback, it is when I am here. I am here every step of the way, and for that, I am so eternally thankful. (I hope that my 2 other kims, Kim Feel, set to come back from the army in Nov, and Kim Jaehwan, set to end Wanna One promos in Dec, will make music quickly).

I realized that I didn’t discuss much about how I’ve felt here. Emotions are such a deep and complex concept to describe, I struggle each time…. But honestly, I feel like I cannot say it enough, but I constantly feel an intense gratitude towards all the people & occurrences that I’ve encountered here. Some of my classes discuss culture shocks and homesickness and the “normal study abroad struggles”. But to be quite honest, I feel like the biggest culture shock I have been exposed to is the immense focus on outer appearance & looks that Koreans hone. I know no one talks about it explicitly, but it’s quite obvious: most Koreans wear make up (a decent amount of it), their fashion is very particular & put together, everyone is so freaking skinny here, plastic surgery ads line subway station walls in Gangnam, etc etc. You get my point. Everyone is sort of too perfect here sometimes. It’s a bit frightening, daunting, and discouraging for my poor un-confident self. It is definitely a hefty challenge on my mental health: I have to work hard to not let these Korean social expectations impede my own way of life. Sure, I can attempt to fit in, but I have to challenge myself to not feel as shitty or peasantry or incompetent. I think that is one of the interesting points I’ve faced so far.

But going back to my extreme gratitude, I always try to count my blessings. At the end of the day, it really is about the small things in life. I have been reminded that time & time again, since like… I don’t know, since I went through some prepubescent shit years ago. As stressed out about housing for next semester, storing things, flying to japan before next semester, self-identification stuff, banking public security stuff, SIM card stuff, being highkey broke, etc etc, I really just try to make the most of the time I have regardless. I believe that as long as I talk to the right people, utilize my resources, take it one step at a time, everything will be okay. Because even as Roy says, “영원한 건 없지만”: ‘nothing lasts forever, but...’ Sorry not sorry but going back to this Roy Kim thing, ur probably like “uh ur crazy”. But for real. My respect, support, enthusiasm, love for him goes beyond liking him as a person or some of his songs or whatever. I don’t do such platonic love lmao.

It trails deep into a sort of debt that I owe to him. His music, his voices, his LYRICS, that he wrote himself to the fullest of his heart, have saved me in ways that no one else could or would ever do for me. Especially his tracks “Home” & “영원한 건 없지만” in particular, have taught me things, made me realize things, helped me get through things, that nothing else during those times could have done for me. I honestly feel like I owe him. I thank him a million times over. And so when I go out of my way to see him at free events, or fight till the death for an hour or so trying to get tickets to his concert, it’s not because I am his “fan”. I mean I guess you could call me that, but that is honestly so mundane. I hate that word. Above all of that, beyond being a “fan”, the least I could do is to show him support in everything he does. I go to his events, I cheer for him, I shout the fan chants, I do these things because it is my way of saying “thank you so much for all that you have given me. This is the least I can do. I will go to where you are, support you, and I will constantly encourage you to make music forever.” In a recent interview, Roy talked about why he chooses to do more “live” events, like festivals & stages & outdoor performances rather than going on music broadcasting shows, variety shows, or just any sort of TV/online medium. And it is because he wants to meet fans more personally. He wants to relay his music in a more authentic, genuine, heartfelt way. Through the ears, directly. He wants to provide people with healing. And man, if only he knew. If only he knew how much he has already done for me, how much healing he has offered with just his voice and his guitar. With all these points in mind, I am just infinitely grateful. I promise you, ‘till the end of this world that my love for Roy Kim transcends the basic “Oh, I like his music”. I’m not that dense HAHAH. I truly, truly, TRULY thank him from the deepest depths of my heart.

At this point I just rambled about useless shit again, but I think thoughts like these have been saving me from any sort of major stress-related breakdowns or mind-busts. I always try to remember these things whenever I start to struggle immensely, like I am right now with everything future-oriented. Being in Korea for the past 2 months has been a breath of fresh air: life is completely different. It isn’t easy, it isn’t miserable, it isn’t fantastic, but I am learning. I am trying. If you’re reading this and you have any questions about studying abroad here in Korea, or just life here in general, feel free to use that ask tab! As you could probably tell by now, I enjoy talking about my experiences and I would only wish that what I’ve learned so far can help others in the future, too. Okay, see you later, until my next post.

[v-le]

Ktravels: 강원도 Review

Foreword: This post is part of an assignment for one of my courses at Yonsei University! But at the same time, I would like to keep a memory of this on my blog because why not. :^)

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I think witnessed the most beautiful beach I have ever seen in my life. Out of all the different places my group and I went to, 강문해변 was absolutely gorgeous. The sky was all sorts of blues and greens and yellows and oranges, it literally felt like a dream. 

My group and I took the KTX to Gangneung station and spent the day kinda wanting to go to the Olympic sites, but then deciding to venture around the city more because even our taxi drivers said there’s nothing at the empty sites. It sounded pretty depressing, to be honest. I wanted to check them out for the hell of it, but we just invested our time looking around at the scenery instead. 오죽헌 had beautiful fall colors everywhere, and it was really cool to learn about some historical figures like 율곡이이 & 신상임당 too. We had some super yummy tofu gelato at the famed “soontofu gelato” shop in 초당두부마을. Then we headed to the beach I mentioned earlier, the one that completely took my breath away. We ate at a highly-rated galbi restaurant. It’s been a while since I had such yummy meat ㅠㅠㅠ. In fact, the skies were crisp and clear, and I LOVED it. The weather was not as cold as I anticipated, which was a very pleasant surprise. But after dinner, it was ICE cold outside. We were kinda, almost dying. Our airbnb was a bit far from Gangneung, so we took a taxi. The entire apt was very cute and quaint. We even had late night ramen & good talks around the table. Although I slept on the floor, I had a veryyyy good sleep because I was so exhausted. The next day, we didn’t rush because our last destination was pretty close by. We wanted to go to the sheep farm as well, but we realized that we wouldn't have enough funds for it... So we walked to Jumunjin beach, where the Dokkaebi filming site was. It was quite a far walk, but I enjoyed exploring the small city. The filming site was PACKED with people. In fact, there was an entire line of people waiting to take a picture at the famed rock extension thingy where the actors filmed a very iconic scene. We gave up right away and just took pictures of the people lined up instead LOL. After, we headed back to  초당두부마을 for some old-style soondubu lunch. It was yummy and quite different than the normal soondubu because the tofu is in a more natural form. Then, we took the KTX back to Seoul where we parted ways. All the “activities” we did were nothing special in particular. I honestly just really enjoyed absorbing the fresh air of this “countryside” and having some away time from the constantly busy, bustling Seoul. The atmosphere and vibes of the entire place was peaceful and calming. I guess the countryside / 시골 has a pretty negative connotation in Korea, and I honestly could see why: it was empty, there was a lack of significant, lively activities, and everything is spread out. But I really didn’t mind. Whether or not I would actually want to live there is a different story, but I am  truly grateful to have had this experience! When else would I ever be able to explore Korea in this way?

감사해요, 강원도.

[v-le]

Kdrama: 그냥 사랑하는 사이 Review

Foreword: The entire composition of this “rant” took me about 5 months to complete. This drama changed a part of me. That is all I have to say.

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It hasn’t been a full 24 hours since I finished the last episode of this drama, and I may have not completely collected my thoughts yet, but I just want to make one point clear: it was a beautiful masterpiece that was simply too poignant, real, haunting, and raw for the world of kdramas.

This probably sounds like a terrible diss at the rest of the kdrama world, but to call this drama a kdrama, in my opinion, undermines its value. This show went beyond the boundaries of “normal kdramas” and brought us stories that are unpopular or just rarely addressed in the realm of kdramas in general.

To start off, I have a simple disclaimer, and it is that this drama is not for everyone. For some, it is too heavy, for others it is too slow. 그 사이 requires an open mind that is willing to absorb not only all the light, but all the dark, too. Because the brightest things tend to come out of the darkness.

Especially, towards the latter half of 그 사이, I began to cry really easily for every interaction that Kang-doo and Moon-soo had, for every event that made them a little more miserable or a little happier, for anything small or big in their lives. For the first time ever while watching something, I genuinely felt the pain of their worlds reflect onto mine, not because I necessarily related with them, but because their stories felt so real and tangible, that they were beginning to coincide with the stories of my own. Even up until the very end, although I thought it would be excruciatingly difficult for me to bid farewell to these characters and everything else they came with, I ended up feeling genuinely satisfied. Because, something about it, I didn’t feel like their stories actually ended there. It really does feel like Kang-doo and Moon-soo, and everyone else including Seo Joo-won, Jung Yoo-jin, Jung Yoo-taek, Ma-ri, Moon-soo’s mother, and Sang-man, too, are still living their lives somewhere far away from me right now in this moment. And to me, that was magical. Because whenever I finish a drama, especially a good one, I always felt extremely empty after its end. The withdrawal symptoms from amazing dramas are one of the hardest withdrawals to cope with. But after 그 사이, I of course felt regretful that it was over so fast, but I didn’t necessarily long to keep watching more and more, which probably sounds very odd, and maybe even bad.

But, no. Simply put, the way 그 사이 chose to wrap up these intricate storylines made everything feel overwhelmingly realistic. It wasn’t the ending of a story, but more like the closing of the curtains, the turning off of the cameras, and the end of the audience’s privileged priviness to their lives thus far. But the characters themselves, it didn’t feel like their stories ended anywhere close to there. I firmly feel like they are continuing. Just continuing.

How this drama managed to pull off such a clean finale, is something I will save to think about later. I know I am hopping around all over the place right now, but I felt that my post-finale thoughts had to be recorded promptly, before they drifted from me. Now, I want to back it up all the way to the end, to even before 그 사이 began to air. Oh, how grateful and glad I am to have noticed its uniqueness even prior to its actual premier. Of course, I didn’t exactly expect it to nearly change a part of me, but I had the slightest, really, just oh-so slightest inclination that this drama might contain all the elements that my heart has been searching for for so long.

After years of watching kdramas, one’s standards begin to naturally rise, and by today, I am definitely very picky with what I consider a “good” drama. Granted, everyone’s preferences are subjective, and my very own may be more specific than others’, but if anything, that probably enabled 그 사이 to rise in ranks faster than I ever expected.

Just from its posters, 그 사이 exuded a sort of ethereal calamity that most dramas don’t really go for these days. Everyone associated 그 사이 with the word “melo”. I am not sure if I completely agree with that description, because like the word “kdrama”, labeling 그 사이 as “melo” seems to undermine its value in a negative way. Melos have a stigma for being slow paced, dragged out, over-dramatic, and tear-filled for more than half the series. The most “melo” part of 그 사이 is the fact that its pace is definitely calmer; it didn’t rush into events and plot twists. But that is, in no way, a bad part of it. I will get back to its elements later. But trust me, slow added a gorgeous feat to 그 사이.

Going back to what I mentioned about the posters, specifically the one above, it felt like a movie. I had mentioned this to my friend, but upon watching the teasers and scrolling through a few images, the biggest thing that piqued my interest was that “it seriously looks like a movie!!!!”. Now, what I mean by “a movie” might sound pretty lame. However, personally, I am not a frequent moviegoer. In fact, I am barely a moviegoer at all. This is because I always felt overwhelmed by the end of movies, regardless of the genre. Movies were always so concise, impactful, and had the ability to leave a really strong, lasting impression within a really short amount of time. That sort of stuff always threw me off; it was just always too much for my brain to handle. Dramas and shows on the other hand, are way more subtle. I get to wean myself into the emotions and storylines, and there is an added level of depth simply due to the fact that they are longer than just an hour and a half or so.

And so, with 그 사이 giving me movie vibes, meant that I felt like it had plenty of room to hit me like a truck and leave me with a few scars, while at the same time, playing itself out as a 16-episode series. The prominent usage of cool colors, mellowed-down instrumental tones, wistful voiceovers, and a cityscape that wasn’t your classic, bright uptown Seoul, but instead a somber yet colorful Busan, all left a very strong, but refreshing first impression on me. It really looked like a movie. Its feats and details looked grand from the get go. It meant that I had a gut feeling that this show was really, seriously, going to move me. And it truly did. 

initialization & continuation--

The very first episode, like most first episodes, introduced us to the one thing that this entire series basically revolves around: the mall collapse accident. I don’t want to exactly recap what the first few episodes were about, but more of what stood out to me that made 그 사이 feel much more special than anything else out there so far.

Moon-soo is a hard worker, balancing a lowkey, blue-collared “job” for her family, as well as working as a designer. Aside from the maybe flawed balance of “work” she has going on, 그 사이 decides to show us the mundane parts, too. Clips of her scrubbing the walls, sweeping the floors, building paper models, simply going about the daily rounds in her life. The initial portrayal of Moon-soo accomplished something that many dramas cannot really pull off, and that is that Moon-soo is just like you and me. Maybe not in the same exact occupational way, but she wakes up in the morning, maybe restlessly, maybe a little bit miserably, she does the things she needs to do, she tends to her responsibilities, and she simply carries on her with life. Of course, not everyone can relate to her on an emotional level, but in a way, we can relate to carrying on with our days no matter how hard it gets. We can see that Moon-soo isn’t that happiest soul in the world, but she isn’t oversensitive and extra mopey, either. She reflects a part of us that we can empathize with, to varying degrees.

The most prominent thing that I initially noticed about Kang-doo was his sharp tongue and the fact that he was always getting beat up and walking around with scars and blood stains. At first glance, many would probably assume that he was your classic, reckless bad boy that doesn’t give two shits about the world. And to an extent, that is true. However, we are also fully aware of the kind of ordeals he has gone through, and we could, or at least I could, sort of feel this underlying pain that he carries around within himself. The eternal scars that Kang-doo carries within himself still haunt me to this day. I can’t even begin to fathom, how hard it must be, to carry so much trauma within one’s own mind. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to have your father die in an accident, to have been buried beneath rubble for 7 days, to have been stuck with a dead body, to have watched him die, to have your mother die promptly afterwards, to legitimately have schizophrenia due to the all these ordeals combined. In short, Kang-doo is fucked up in ways unimaginable to a normal person, but he hides it all away behind his cold eyes in a heavy layer of bruteness and disregard. From the very beginning, I could feel that Kang-doo’s character has so much complexity, to a point where I couldn’t even comprehend how deep the series would choose to dig out from him. I was excited, but at the same time, apprehensive to watch his story unfold. I knew I had to prepare myself for some massive waterworks. This, in itself, was something a drama had never presented to me with before. 그 사이, I could tell, would not be your cliche kind of romance story.

Even the opening, since the very first episode when I saw it, it pulled at something deeper than anything else. It is comprised of still frames of tragic accidents or sites of rubble and such. It is haunting for an opening and it definitely left a huge impression on me. It established a heavy aura that rarely any dramas dare to take on. 

Another random but poignant point that stuck with me was the scene in which Halmoni was smoking, and she passes the cigarette to Kang-doo, who also takes a puff. We only see the back of their figures as they sit on swings, but when they turn their faces to the side, we can clearly see that it is the actors themselves smoking, and not some sort of lookalikes. This left a lasting impression because it almost felt shocking, to watch Jun-ho of 2PM smoke so blatantly like that. Korean media always heavily censors these kinds of things, even if it’s ingrained into their culture like smoking sort of is. Watching him smoke felt kind of scary, in a good way. It felt real, that yes, even someone who is a top idol that sings and dances and has to maintain some sort of pretty image 24/7, can and will smoke. So fun fact: kpop idols are humans, too!

The other characters as well, Wan-jin and Sang-man and Moon-soo’s mom, and Seo Joo-won, Jung Yoo-jin, Ma-ri and Jung Yoo-taek, and Halmeoni played their own special, but very symbolic role as 그 사이 progressed.

Since our introduction to Sang-man, we can get the gist that he is “not normal”. Once again, at first glance, Sang-man looks like a guy who is mentally slower than everyone else. But with time, we get to learn how much more mature he actually is than the rest of our crew, in his own special kind of way. Some of his simplest lines hit the deepest, and although he wasn't exactly my all-time favorite character, I can safely say that he was a hidden gem amongst this web of characters. He is extremely precious, and he shows the audience a beautiful side to being mentally “different”. 

Then, we have Wan-jin who contributes to 그 사이 as a figure of immense support for Moon-soo. They share a friendship through their hardships and that in itself resonated really well with me. Throughout this series, we get to see small snippets of how the disabled are disadvantaged and disrespected, too. There is one scene that stands out to me, which is when Wan-jin tells her assistant (idr his name) that she doesn’t want his pity, but she simply wants to be treated like human, like everyone else. Because she is no less a person than anyone else is.

Even Ma-ri, head of the karaoke place that essentially “sells” girls for their presence: at first glance, she is your classic, rich, and manipulative female figure. But underneath that layer of presumable impurity, she is actually the victim of sexual abuse who has worked her way to her place and owes her life to the bravery of Kang-doo himself.

Furthermore, Moon-soo’s mother is more than a lamenting mother who has lost a child, but she is in particular, an alcoholic. Her relationship with her husband has gone sour and she barely manages to hang onto her sanity with the help of soju and Moon-soo by her side. Her mother portrays the agony of a child’s death in such a surreal way, that it only felt right for her to not be okay, in every way possible. She was a complete mess, but rightfully so. Her battle with alcohol didn’t end as just an unsolved addiction, but we were even able to see her enter rehab and conquer herself from within at the end of the drama.

Halmeoni played such an immensely pivotal role in this story. Her words of wisdom sat with viewers even weeks after she said them on screen. One of my personal favorites is “Just because someone is yelling louder doesn’t mean that they are hurting more”. Halmeoni played a sort of role that was like a guardian angel, who was present to give all that she could, until her own time was up. Her sharp tongue and snarky attitude made her likable in the most unique of ways. Because in the end, she was always sort of right. One of the hardest hitting things that Halmeoni talked about was when she was scolding Kang-doo’s sister, saying that it isn’t cigarettes nor cancer nor car accidents nor drugs that kill people. It is poverty. Because a lot of the times, poverty pushes people into these situations. And especially so, it is those in poverty that don’t have the resources to help themselves, in which they are left helpless to die. Halmeoni preached to viewers that poverty is the number one killer of humans. Her departure from the lives of our characters, and particularly Kang-doo’s, left a void that was meant for filling. I will never get over this, but I absolutely love how the show decided to handle her death. We didn’t see any funeral procession or all-black attire or wreaths or a nicely framed portrait. We just saw the aftermath, the broken pieces of Kang-doo and others, and we get to see how they pick themselves back up from all of it. It was a work of art, and it hit much, much, much more deeper than showing us the explicit parts.

All these supporting characters surrounding Moon-soo and Kang-doo indirectly dealt with things like mental health, people with disabilities, sexual assault, poverty, and even alcohol abuse. Aside from the obvious central theme of post-traumatic stress and remembering the forgotten, 그 사이 decided to touch upon these seemingly subtle, but very sensitive topics as well. All these characters were messed up or struggling in some sort of very real way. And it was so, so well done.

The next thing that I absolutely loved about 그 사이 was the progression of Kang-doo and Moon-soo’s relationship. It was simply drawn out so gorgeously. Of course, their fate began in a cliche sort of way, through the accident in which they both lost a loved one. However, this fact was only apparent to Kang-doo for a significant part of their progression. Moon-soo’s inability to remember the bits and pieces of the accident are compensated for through Kang-doo’s haunting ability to recall every miniscule detail, to an extent where he is mentally unstable. Time and time again, Kang-doo asks Moon-soo, what is the point of both of them suffering when only one needs to? This question was raised more than once during 그 사이 and I came to appreciate a sort of two-sided beauty to it. The fact is that, Kang-doo didn’t want another loved one to suffer, but Moon-soo didn’t want Kang-doo to suffer alone. Is it better to suffer alone and hold all the pain in? Or should you share the burden because it may be too much for one to handle alone? This is a dilemma that I resonate with in terms of my very own friends and loved ones. It is a question that we have all asked ourselves at one point. And it is a question that was at the forefront of Kang-doo and Moon-soo’s relationship.

Another thing with these two is that they came to love each other flawlessly. Although this came up before during Joo-won and Kang-doo’s conversation, when Moon-soo asks why Kang-doo loves her, he says “그냥” (just because). And that my friend, was the end of me. The End.

Of course, this definitely was not the only scene in which I cried, but it sure did release a flood of some sort. When posed with this question, the leads of many dramas don’t always list out amazing features of their significant other or anything, and they even say the similar things along the lines of “Do I even need a reason?”. But a one word answer, spoken so genuinely, so lovingly from someone who has gone through so goddamn much, has so much more meaning than a paragraph or an essay or even a book about how much he loves Moon-soo. It hits deeper than mundanely loving someone because they are pretty or accomplished or an amazing person. It touches upon a sort of love that only them two can feel and possess. Only them two, and no one else, will ever understand. And the feeling that this one-word description gave me, was one of a sort of invasion. I felt like I was intruding on something so precious and dear, the fact that Kang-doo spoke “그냥” in itself already felt like much, much more than I already should be allowed to know. I felt like anything further said would just tarnish the beauty of it all. That is simply how real and stunning their affection for each other felt.

Another point that many others could probably agree with is how their physical interactions exuded overwhelming chemistry out of the simplest actions. All they did was hold hands for a really, long freaking time, but it felt a million times deeper than just hand holding. Even when the two finally kissed, there was nothing extravagant about it. The two just genuinely wanted to be with each other. And that was enough. In fact, it was more than enough. I probably sound like a broken record by now, but these two felt so natural and organic together that I almost felt like I didn’t deserve to watch them be so cute and coupley and just in love. The surrealism was overwhelming and it is something that could only come about from stellar writing, and of course, the performances of Lee Jun-ho and Won Jin-ah.

Jun-ho absolutely blew me away. Watching him progress through this drama made me fall for him, hard. Honestly, I sort of want to not even talk about the fact that he is also an idol, too, because the stigma of idol-actors has no place in this drama. Jun-ho literally made himself into this person. Usually, when actors play a significant role, and even when they pull it off really well, I still tend to associate the actor himself with that one character, not in a bad way, but as a form of infatuation (e.g. Ryu Jun-yeol as Kim Jung-hwan in ‘88). Not to say that seeing that actor only reminds me of that one character, but more like, I always tend to see flecks of the character that I can never fully shake off no matter how hard I try.

But for Jun-ho as Kang-doo, this is not the case. I can separate the two, very clearly, too. Of course, as a person, they have completely different personalities and such, but its the fact that I can see Kang-doo existing in this world as well as Jun-ho the actor, idol, and human, too. Because that’s just how well he played it. And don’t even get me started on how multi-talented Jun-ho is as a person in real life, too. The fact that he can dance and sing super fucking well (with countless solo songs and albums to call his own) further blows my mind and raises him up to the top ranks of my favorite actors. There is nothing this guy can’t do. And I just want to mention, he isn’t particularly handsome or anything. To me, it is endless charms and abilities that make Jun-ho such a likable guy. I am absolutely proud to have watched him grow thus far.

As for Won Jin-ah, it was already hyped from the beginning that she was chosen out of ��120 auditions” which is indeed a big feat, but I think just further adds to her credibility as an outstanding actress. She has such natural features of expression, and of course, that pure, innocent kind of vibe that is commonly taken for granted among actresses. I am going to be honest here, I am not as good at dissecting female performances compared to male performances, mostly because I am a female myself, but Won Jin-ah fit Moon-soo so well that I truly can’t see her as anyone else. I know that that kind of saying is a bit overused for many characters played by certain actors, but I truly do mean it in the same way I talked about Jun-ho as Kang-doo. She made herself into Moon-soo, in which I can firmly believe there is a Ha Moon-soo somewhere out there working at her mother’s bathhouse and making models, while there is also the actress Won Jin-ah doing her job.

It is just stunning, how intricate and detailed these characters were, and how well they came to life on screen. I can’t get over it, I just really can’t. If I daresay, it was almost as if I was watching a documentary. These two were that real together. It was heartbreakingly beautiful.

Which takes me into the angst realm of 그 사이. Many, many commenters of this drama mentioned how heavy it was, and how it was difficult to watch during hard times and such. But for me, although I admit I am a total sucker for dark and depressing shows anyway, its heaviness weighed me down in all the right ways. It tugged at the right corners of my heart, to a point where for the first time ever, I literally bawled my eyes out because of something beautiful.

It is pretty hard to explain, how I felt as I watched their lives unfold. The most prominent feeling, of course, was sadness and pain for when the characters themselves were in pain. Sometimes, I could feel the pain physically in my chest, and I wished until the end of the world that everything could be okay. But at the same time, when things just seemed to happen at the right moments in time, when their fingers seemed to intertwine at all the perfect angles, I weeped like there was no tomorrow because have you ever seen a couple so beautiful before? I haven’t, I really haven’t.

Anything that heals must have been hurt before, too. And that is Kang-doo and Moon-soo. They provide each other with a sort of healing that only they can feel and understand. While one radiates pain and suffering, the other absorbs it all and folds it with love into the layers that is their relationship. I agree to an extent that their occasional back-and-forth-ness got a little bit out of hand, but I also see it is as a sort of apprehensiveness. That these two loved each other so much, that they wanted to avoid hurting the other in any way possible.

So as much as their agony from the unfortunate events in their lives caused, and as much as they cried themselves, I cried along with them, the entire way through. And when there were those small, gorgeous moments of the light shining through the cracks for just a little while, I still cried. Mundane moments reflected something so much deeper than any viewer can feel on their own accord. Crying a shit ton during a show probably sounds like a negative thing, but for me, it simply shows me how much 그 사이 moved me. It moved my soul to peer into places deeper than the deepest places of my imagination. Even when I was simply walking to class in the middle of the day, I got choked up just thinking about Kang-doo and Moon-soo and how everything might unfold before them, for better or for worse.

Everything that happened between Kang-doo and Moon-soo felt so raw with emotion. Each line spoken to each other was purposeful and wistful. There really never was a dull moment between the two. The way in which some of the scenes were shot, the camera would shake in the slightest. It made it all look so brutally realistic, as if we were really there, privy to their thoughts and secrets and feelings.

그 사이 literally took over my life for the weeks that it was airing, and although this obsessive enthusiasm wasn’t exactly new to me (Healer & Reply ‘88 both accomplished this), it pushed me to ask why this show had the ability to do so. I honestly don’t think words alone will ever fully be enough to explain all of the pure beauty in 그 사이, but words are all I have at my expense.

silhouettes & hands & ice cream & carrots--

These are the small things that made this drama all the more ethereal. The cinematography and the way the sunlight hit the camera at certain angles, it literally printed itself onto my brain. These frames were magnificent and nearly struck a tear in my eye each time. The usage of silhouettes as well, was so, extremely well done here. I have no words.

One of the biggest things that also stood out significantly to me, although maybe not that big of a deal, but definitely worth a mention, was how well her hand fit into his. I have never felt such a swell of emotions through people simply holding hands. I swear to god, it is as if their hands were made for each other. Her hands are perfectly smaller than his, which means his covered them effortlessly. “You were born to be loved by me, right?” asks Kang-doo. Some of his lines were honestly so cringey, but Jun-ho pulled them off so well, they seriously sounded really natural to me. 100% cute and 0% corny.

And of course, the iconic ice creams. The fact that by the end of the drama, Moon-soo herself actually likes ice cream, too, can it get any cuter. To add to the cuteness, in real life, Jun-ho is ice cream obsessed, always posing with it, talking about it, even writing a song about it, and of course, eating it. I feel like the symbol of ice cream was sort of like Jun-ho’s piece to take from Kang-doo. It is like a part of him that he gave to his character, to fully make it his, but not exactly him.

The carrot is iconic because of the one line we can never forget. The line that Moon-soo meant, but didn’t really mean at the same time. The line that sputtered out of her mouth in a funny, exasperating way, but also in a meaningful, deeper, heartfelt way. Me too, Moon-soo, me too. I like a man that eats carrots, too.

thank yous & i love yous & geu sa-i--

This motif was quite a prominent one, but after thinking about it more, I started to realize the sort of message the writer and director were possibly trying to get at. The “i love you”s were touching and cute and everything, but the line(s) that got to me the most were not those three stereotypically monumental words, but it was the “thank you”s that cut deeper than most. How many dramas have you watched where the couple consistently thanked each other? And what kind of meaning did those thank yous hold? In 그 사이, Moon-soo and Kang-doo exchanged genuine, heartfelt thank yous.

The thing with these thank yous though, is that they have a multitude of meanings. “Thank you for picking me up today.” “Thank you for calling me.” “Thank you for being there for me.” “Thank you for loving me.” “Thank you for being you.” “Thank you for staying by my side.” “Thank you for being alive.” I could go on and on, but you get the point. These thank yous meant the universe to them, they relayed a sort of gratitude and passion and sentiment that only these two could feel and share. It all just felt so organic.

Next, I want to discuss the “trope” that 그 사이 utilized in which Kang-doo was fighting for his life towards the end of it all. This part was excruciatingly painful to watch, mostly because I honestly couldn’t tell how they were going to end it all. Nor could I really understand what sort of meaning each kind of ending could have. If they ended it happily ever after, why? And if not, what else were they trying to say? I just couldn’t tell.

Kang-doo was suffering from a failing liver, and I think it only made sense. From day one, he is depicted as reckless, especially towards his own body. A comment somewhere on Dramabeans stated it nicely: “Grandma kept telling him to stop taking [the painkillers] and to let his pain out instead, and with no granny to give him placebos, he ended up taking real, strong painkillers.” I feel like 그 사이 toyed with Kang-doo’s life as a sort of reality check, that shit goes on, no matter how good or bad everything seems to be turning out, shit still goes on. But by saving him, of course, maybe they are telling us that miracles really do exist. Most importantly, they don’t forget to remind us that these miracles may come at the expense of others’ own misfortunes.

And if anything, the dragging out of Kang-doo’s potential death left room for the supporting to characters to come out and shower Kang-doo with love. I can’t remember the quote exactly, but it was when the doctor asked Jae-young what kind of person her brother was, that so many random people were coming forward to readily donate a part of their liver as if it was no big deal. But Ma-ri countered wonderfully, that it is a serious decision to make, which is all the reason why it matters so much more. It was super duper heartwarming to see everyone try their best, in any way, to help Kang-doo and just have him live. I feel like giving us the most plausible hope of Sang-man specifically, was symbolic in which he, of all people, literally the most profound, but possibly most childish person out of our entire bunch, would be the one to save Kang-doo. But it also felt brutally realistic when they suddenly took him away as a donor because life just doesn’t get to work out perfectly like that all the time. But also with last-minute miracles, life kinda does tend to work out at the perfect times. Life is luck? Maybe.

But the ending scene, that goddamn, fucking gorgeous ending scene. I don’t even care if people whine all they want about how ending with a kiss scene is cliche and overrated, just leave me be to pick this one apart. In fact, the part that got me the most choked up wasn’t even the kiss itself (I mean, it partly was), but it was the dialogue, the eyes, the expressions, and the voiceover that got me wailing like a drowning beluga whale in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. Like smack dab in the middle. Wailing incessantly. That was me.

Because here is the thing. First off, we pan into a frame that overlooks the Busan cityscape as the sun is setting, the bright houses are subtly flashing their hues, the horizon is glowing all sorts of reds and blues and pinks and oranges and purples, and our couple’s silhouette is situated perfectly at the center of it all. Literally, just that still frame of that scene itself, took my breath away. Stunning cinematography at its finest. Moon-soo tells Kang-doo that she loves him, which we haven’t gotten a chance to hear after all the times he’s already told her the same. But here she says it and her eyes are literally glowing, and his eyes are peaceful yet joyous at the same time, the most comfortable, and just the most at-home I have ever seen them throughout the entire series. And then there is a really long pause with no dialogue, no sounds, no loud blowing, just a blank, subtle, empty noise, as he cradles her face which somehow just manages to fit perfectly into his hand, and then Kang-doo’s voice breaks through the ever-so-slightly prolonged silence, and he narrates “Moon-soo loves me”.

I will repeat that just in case you couldn’t read it above: “Moon-soo loves me”.

The impact that this one simple line had was massive, colossal, unimaginably poignant, and it hit me. Deep. This one line, I feel, gave validation to this entire show, to all our hours devoted to watching it, to the characters’ actions, and most importantly, to Kang-doo’s life. Throughout the entirety of 그 사이, he is literally battling for his life, not only physically at the end, but emotionally and mentally as well. He very much lacked that spark of purpose, the thing that made him live. Not to denounce his worth and say that now his life only boils down to Moon-soo’s love for him. It’s more like, she gives him another beginning. Kang-doo states this eloquently when talking with Seo Joo-won on the roof about why he loves her. “Just because”. He continues, “I was a man that could only live by the day. But after meeting her, I was curious about tomorrow”.

And so “Moon-soo loves me” is so pivotal in which Kang-doo has mostly, hopefully relieved himself of all the shit and guilt and trauma and struggles that he has been fighting from within, and all he needs in his life to keep going is Moon-soo’s love. This line is followed up with a “The fact that we are alive… it is a relief.” How fucking beautiful is that.

And now, this is where I can come full circle to the title of this drama, “그냥 사랑하는 사이”. The English of this has been commonly translated as “Just Between Lovers”, but as you can tell since the beginning of this composition, I do not prefer to use that title, for several reasons. The main one is that, well, sometimes there are things in other languages that you really just cannot translate. “그냥 사랑하는 사이” is one of them. The meaning that it has in Korean, the feelings and implications that it carries with it, simply cannot be translated into the English language. If I wanted to try, it would be something along the lines of “just your average, simple relationship between two people that love each other”. Which still sounds pretty stupid in English, but with those extra strands of meaning, and even more added depth, is what the Korean title holds. Also, for simplicity’s sake, Korean phrases tend to be condensed into acronym-like words. In this case though, “그냥 사랑하는 사이 (geu-nyang sa-rang-ha-neun sa-i)” as an acronym-ish kind of word is simply “그 사이 (geu sa-i)” in which the “냥 (nyang)” and “사랑하는” (meaning “loving”) are removed to now signify something along the lines of literally: “that relationship” or “a relationship”. “그” is used as sort of an article, I guess, meaning “that” or “a”, or basically anything not really specific like his or hers or yours. **I have never learned Korean formally, and everything I’m saying is legitimately self-taught, so please don’t quote me on any of this, but I am just trying to get my point across as best as I can LOL** This all boils down to how, to me, “그 사이” is so simple yet touching and moving and so full of meaning, that it has this sort of immense, hidden beauty to it. Not only is it, in this case, a shortened version of “그냥 사랑하는 사이”, but “그 사이” as a phrase in any context is seemingly mundane, but carries so much more than meets the eye.

Just like, you know, a relationship. But not actually. The love part sounds simple enough, and it is. They love. But how they came to love, what it means to them, contains a meaning so deep and intricate that, maybe, just to make things easier and to even preserve its profound beauty that we will never understand, we will leave it as... just a relationship.

And I find that incredibly moving. I am struggling right now, to type down my feelings, but I hope that it is working to an extent. For the first time ever, a drama’s title actually seemed to fit, in less of a relevancy sort of way, but in much more of a meaningful, heartfelt way. The title of this drama is so short, so plain, almost boring-sounding, but it encompassed so much more than that. It encompassed an entire, full relationship of two people that come to love, or even more than love, but live, through pain and deaths and guilt and hardships and tears and growth and interdependence, and just each other.

There is an infinite amount of complexity hidden within the seemingly thin and obvious layers of  그 사이, and I think this is what is at the center of its ethereal beauty as a show for viewers to absorb. The words behind the characters’ actions and the events that occur carry immaculate weight, that it makes you question things, maybe even about your own life. This is a sort of art that I have never, ever seen a show demonstrate, and it completely took my breath away. It left a million pieces of my heart shattered on the floor. I literally feel like my life has changed, even if just a little bit.

Which now brings me to the things that this show wanted to tell the audience. When commenting about 그 사이, many people tended to say something along the lines of “It had great messages, it was so deep, etc.” and yes, I agree with that, too. But nowhere did anyone actually say what those messages were. I feel like there is an infinite number of lessons 그 사이 wanted to teach us, but I’ll try to point out the more noticeable ones first.

think about this--

Remember the forgotten.

Awareness is one of the strongest forces, because knowledge is power. I feel that, amidst people’s ordinary lives, we sometimes forget to remember those who simply never had a chance to live. We all live so voraciously and fervently, but it is important to be aware of that fervor that couldn’t be. Some people questioned the intent of leaving out the final product of the memorial that our two leads were working so hard on throughout the entire show. One commentator wrote simply: "In a way, it gave cadence to the idea that the memorial wasn't for the public or even us as the viewers. It belongs to the victims and the survivors of the tragedy." Very well articulated. Nothing more is needed.

Poverty kills.

I touched upon this one a little bit in the above text, but here, I’m just going to lay down Halmeoni’s entire spiel because no could have said it better than her.

Mental trauma is in its own way, more painful than any physical sort of pain.

Jun-ho demonstrates this so hauntingly and beautifully through his acting as the broken Kang-doo. In an interview that Jun-ho had after wrapping up filming, he says, "I didn't know what these people thought. It's something you won't know if you haven't been through it. You have to experience pain to know what it feels like. So I didn't even dare to try to understand them. I just used my own method of shutting myself away”. So much personal heart and character lies within those words, making his performance even more credible and noteworthy. Here is a line from the wise ol’ Halmeoni that hits pretty deep.

Never take life for granted.

I feel like this sort of message has such redundancy and insensibility in common-day life, but it is a reality that 그 사이 brings to life gorgeously. These characters are struggling in the depths of their own despair on a daily basis. But in the end, we get to see them prevail in some sort of way, with the help of each other’s sheer existence. In the same interview, Jun-ho says, “You don't take things for granted. Every little thing from the sun and wind, is important.” It is so poignant, to see the actor himself connect so deeply with the plot and depth of the story itself. The ending scene of 그 사이 paints this message in the air and the wind, from Kang-doo’s very own voiceover. He says, “Because we survived… it’s a relief”. And that’s it. That concludes the entirety of 그 사이. What huge punch to the guts that line was. It was so bold, heart-rendering, and just true. It was true, that the simple fact that we are living our own lives, sad or happy, good or bad, pain or not, we are alive, and that is all that matters in the end.

words & frames--

In addition, I want to include a few more lines (that are conveniently included within the beautiful OST MVs produced by El Music Studio) that struck huge cracks into my soul as they were spoken aloud on screen. Honestly, these lines sound much better in Korean because there is a sort of depth that an English translation isn’t able to capture, but that is okay. English will just have to do.

“Misery is just... being miserable.”

“Looking down from such a high place like this, people don’t really look like people anymore, do they?”

“Just because they are crying more loudly doesn’t mean that they are hurting more.”

“Him distancing himself that much shows how much he actually cherishes you.”

“And so, more than anyone else... we must be happier.”

An extra note about the OSTs: none of them stood out enough for me to add to my music library, not even Jun-ho’s very own (as much I love his gorgeous voice). However, I can confidently say that they added a haunting effect to many of the scenes and portrayals throughout the show. All the voices and quiet, heart-tugging melodies that meadered its way between the dialogue and echoes, created some intense emotions that probably would’ve been empty otherwise.

noticeable hair-growth & flaws & final wrap up--

One of the things that I really came to notice by the end of this show was that the characters’ hair had grown significantly. I mean, this is a given. Hair grows over time. Duh. But aside from the fact that it’s an obvious naturality. I found to love how it added to the realism in 그 사이. The fact that by the last episode, Jung Yoo-jin’s hair was almost reaching her shoulders, Seo Joo-won’s was creeping towards his neck, Moon-soo grew out her bangs and swept it to the side, and Kang-doo’s covered his eyes a little more than usual, was just a touching sight to take in. Look how human they are! Their hair grew properly, following the time sequence of the series itself. How beautiful is that. It’s such a subtle, minor detail, but to me, it really stood out as an aesthetic touch to its already-brimming-with-reality depiction that 그 사이 establishes.

I could be biased here, but I want to say that 그 사이’s biggest fault was that it used supporting characters like Seo Joo-won and Jung Yoo-jin. Not to say that their roles were completely useless or detrimental to the plot, but more like, their roles were underdone amidst the medley of such a strong leading pair mixed with the other complex, unique supporting figures. Although Jung Yoo-jin thankfully did not play your classic, snooty second female lead vying for the main man, Seo Joo-won very much fell under this category, in his own male-ish sort of way. I honestly did not really appreciate some of his actions and words. I felt like his character was lacking the depth and charm that the rest of the cast hones in on so well. The writers really could have given more to work with, but with such bland lines and cliche intentions, I just couldn’t find myself warming up to him. Aside from parts of Joo-won’s incompleteness as a character, I guess another flaw could be the classic kdrama tropes 그 사이 utilized. As minimal as they were, some were there regardless. The wrist grab, the mid-fall waist catch, the eavesdropping behind a wall, and all of that cliche mush you could find in 1897957 other kdramas, were definitely present in 그 사이. But whatever. It was fucking beautiful anyway.

Finally, I want to address the last part of this clean finale that 그 사이 managed with ease. In particular, it was the montage of the familiar locations that we have gotten to see since the beginning. Externally, it looked plain and a little bit sad and empty. But I feel like these stills offered us so much, because these locations were more than places that our characters frequented, but they are perpetual within their spaces of time. These places, those sort of “places that you can always go back to no matter what happens”. Places of rest, of heart, of everything else that has and could happen. At this point I’m basically just rambling, but my point is that. It was breathtaking.

Also, let us just take some time to appreciate these real Busan visuals. 

To anyone that has read this far by now… Wow. Just so you know, you have read through an entire 5-month journey with my thoughts LOL. It is almost May now and my life has been too much of a mess for me to be able to post this within one sitting.

Many days have passed since I last finished this drama and wiped my tears off my face and blew my nose into a soggy tissue and gazed awestruck into the beautiful skyline on my laptop screen. But my feelings remain the same, and this series has held such a special place in my heart. When talking about Korean dramas with friends or acquaintances I try to sound nonchalant about 그 사이. Because, you know, it was just that one show that lowkey changed my life. 그 사이 made me feel things and taught me things and provoked thoughts that no other show ever has in my life. I really could care less about what the general public had to say about 그 사이. I just know, I loved it with all my heart and soul. Thank you for everything, 그 사이.

[v-le]

Kmusic: My Decade-Long Journey with Kpop

Foreword: I had been working on this post for a few weeks now, in between university and everything else. In the middle of its composition, Kim Jonghyun of SHINee passed away and shocked the world. I, too, was appalled, and I don’t think I will ever properly recover from his death. I want to dedicate this post to him. This story is about how kpop has grown with me in life. This story defines everything I have ever thought or felt about kpop and that now, very much includes Jonghyun’s passing. 수고했어, 종현아.

Book 1

I can’t really recall it, but the very first kpop song I’ve ever listened to was either “Nobody” by Wonder Girls, “Genie” by SNSD, or “Gee” by SNSD. I was about seven years old around then. My cousin had shown my sister these songs and she, too, quickly got swept into the music. For the first years of this exposure, I had heard a myriad of songs ranging from Super Junior’s “Sorry Sorry”, SHINee’s “Replay” & “Ring Ding Dong” & “Lucifer”, Taeyang’s “Wedding Dress”, Big Bang’s “Gara Gara Go”, Infinite’s “BTD” & “She’s Back”, 2NE1’s “Fire” and many many manyyyy more. These songs would waft out of my sister’s speakers whenever I was using my computer next to her’s in the computer room. And during those first years, I flat out hated these songs. I didn’t understand anything they were saying. They sounded obnoxious. And these boys that my sister was obsessed with weren’t even that good looking. I can recall that she was specifically infatuated with Donghae of SJ during that time. I can also recall going as far as to mock some of these songs, especially “She’s Back” by repeating “cheese pack” in an annoying tone back to her. Despite my detest for kpop during these several years, I unknowingly picked up a lot of knowledge on it. I could name many groups and recognize many of their songs, all from the fact that my sister played so much of it and I had seen her computer screen many times. Nonetheless, I complained to my mom, that I didn’t understand why she listened to that stuff when she couldn’t even understand it. My mom had told me that it was totally fine, it’s simply about the beat of the music, and that you didn’t have to understand it to like it. I remember feeling a little upset because she defended my sister. All in all, during these years of premature kpop exposure, I was petty, unrelenting, and simply immature. I didn’t like kpop.

Book 2

I remember for some reason, reasons unknown, one day when I was at my friend’s house in 5th grade, I decided to show my friends “Ring Ding Dong” for fun. I remember a few days before that, I had watched the “Wedding Dress” MV for the first time on my own and I cried, too. During these next months, my pettiness towards kpop began to dampen and I started to get pretty good at recognizing groups and songs, and maybe even some faces. The only issue was that I tried immensely hard, as if my life depended on it, to not let my sister see what I was up to. I knew that I would receive massive backlash from her, for being such a hypocrite. So throughout 5th grade and a little bit of 6th, I started to dip my toes in a little, into the infinitely large pool that is kpop. I slowly and secretly, grew minuscule fondness for some songs, but not enough to want to add them to my music library. I kinda liked kpop.

Book 3

In the early days of middle school, a really good friend of mine loved Super Junior to death. Another friend of mine listened to some kpop, but only a little bit here and there. One day they showed me a song from LEDApple and I can officially say that they were the first group I completely fell for. LEDApple had such a different, dynamic and unique vibe to them, that I almost felt like I had triumphed over my sister. I had found and enjoyed a group that she probably did not know at all, and their music was actually really really really good. Personal favorites include “Time’s Up” and “Someone Met By Chance”. Much later, they released “Sadness” and I was even happier with that song. I quickly learned the names of all the members and I considered them my favorite group of all time. LEDApple was my introduction into this “fangirling” gig that kpoppers lowkey highkey have to keep up with. With LEDApple, I learned:

How to memorize members

That MV meant “music video”

How to watch every single video of them that existed on youtube (although for them, it was minimal because they were so unknown)

That subbers were a thing, and for specific groups, too

How to watch variety shows of them

How to memorize birthdays

That Koreans have a different age system than internationally

That they wear excessive makeup

And much, much, much more

I would consider LEDApple to be my “first” for everything. I really did cherish them as a group, along with their music, and I slowly learned the do’s and dont’s of kpop during this phase. More than LEDApple though, I quickly became even more aware of more groups and songs, and I started to favor some more than others too. I liked kpop.

Book 4

My love for LEDApple started to dwindle as I discovered and started to really like more groups like MBLAQ, Big Bang, SHINee, SNSD, B.A.P, B1A4 and especially Infinite. I completely fell for Infinite as I listened to songs like “Paradise”, “Be Mine”, and “Can U Smile”. And yes, as I listened to more of their discography, I recognized some songs as the ones my sister had played in the past as well. Then, they released the Chaser and it was game set from there. I remember searching up Infinite’s profiles, comparing the images with their MVs and matching their names with their faces. I remember when I first saw Woohyun in Be Mine, I thought that he looked like Harry Shum Jr. AHAH how wrong I was….  I also remember struggling a little bit because the profile pictures I used were from their debut, with their slicked back hair and white button shirts and suspenders :’). Soon enough, I became very familiar with everything Infinite-related and I eventually claimed them to be my favorite group of all time (and to this day, they have remained as so). I really liked kpop.

Book 5

This book becomes a little hard to explain, simply because I feel like my emotions seemed to be mundane externally, but inside, I know that they were deep with a sort of affection that words can never fully explain. My love for Infinite was immense, driven, and completely pure. I did not have a favorite member, because no really, I just couldn’t choose one. All their songs were absolutely amazing; Infinite taught me how to fall in love with even the non-title track songs. Their entire discography is the only discography of any artists that I know like the back of my hand. Their choreography was always on point; they prided in being 99.9% synchronized with knife-like moves. I really, truly thought that they were all handsome in their own, unique way. Their personalities were genuine and interactions were always hilarious and the brotherhood between the boys ran as deep as blood. Their early days were the brightest ones that I can recall, and I am so grateful to have watched them develop since. They were extremely relevant within the industry, and “The Chaser” lifted them to even newer heights. I clearly remember their 2nd anniversary as well. I remember thinking to myself, that they were “SO YOUNG!!”, with Sungjong being just 18 years old at that time (which is exactly how old I am now, YIKES). Awaiting a comeback after The Chaser era was definitely an eventful one because I was so expectant and excited and it was the first (of many) that I experienced as a full-fledged fan. It took them nearly a year, but they eventually returned with “Man in Love”, and then “Destiny” immediately afterwards, and then on November 11th, 2013, I had the miraculous blessing to see them live in concert. It was my first concert ever and it was during their first world tour, as mere 3-year idols. 2013 was a year of big feats for Infinite and it all really was just a blessing. A mere five months later, I would again, see them, at the LA Kpop Festival on April 12th, 2014. Boy, was it a time to be alive as an Inspirit.  During these few years, everything I did, in my life, really did revolve around them. My school projects, artwork, everything, had to relate to Infinite somehow. I made poems about them, I had collected a total of 24 posters of them on my wall, and I had also racked up physical copies of their albums, my first one being Infinitize on July 29th of 2012. When they posted fan events like the Infinite Love Letter Contest, and when the members used Google+ and when every little thing happened, I was there, and I was supporting them endlessly. As I transitioned into high school, Infinite released more and more things, and my love for them never dwindled, even for a second. When I went through rough times, in all the ways imaginable, Infinite was always there. In the beginning, I had made folders for photos of each member, otps, and the complete group on my computer. I even named the OT7 pictures folder “What I Live For ~”. My passwords all had to do with Infinite. I named all my devices like my computer and such “IFNT7”. The phrase “My love is Infinite” was my favorite of all time. Just the sight of some colors translated into Infinite to me. Every. Little. Thing. My heart belonged to Infinite more than ever. I loved and cherished them, and still do (but maybe not as blatantly), with a burning passion. And not just them, but I really did like other groups like ZE:A and T-ARA to name a few, during these times, but Infinite truly meant the world to me. I loved kpop, especially Infinite.

Book 6

During those fangirl days, I was not completely blinded by love to a point where I was oblivious to the future; rather, I was apprehensive in a way in which I knew that when I got “older”, I “wouldn’t love them as much”. I didn’t doubt that I wouldn’t stop listening to kpop, but I knew that i couldn’t be a diehard fangirl forever. And so, around 2015 ish is when school started to kick my butt, and i really did completely disconnect. Disclaimer though: I was still endlessly thankful for and in love with Infinite. I was so proud of them no matter what, and I supported them from the sidelines with a burning heart. In fact, despite the fact that the amount of attention I dedicated to them decreased, my love for them grew nonetheless. I was so so so thankful that they were just alive, whole, and still doing music. Together. However, I was physically and mentally incapable of keeping up to date with everything, not only Infinite-related, but kpop-related, during that time. I had realized that this was probably time to prioritize things in my life, and not feel so obliged to the whole kpop thing anymore. And so, with Infinite, I tried my best, but of course I did not try hard enough. I did enough to keep up with kpop releases and such, but that was about it. I had no time for shows and small activities and interviews, and all the things that I was an expert on in the past. I no longer had time to check thru all the infinite tumblr blogs I had bookmarked. Instead, I began to turn to the simpler things, as in the music. I realized that if there was one thing that was worthy of putting effort into, it was the music. I began to only care about the music that the kpop industry was churning out. And let me just say, that during this time was probably the beginning of the death of 2nd generation kpop as well. I started to dislike the style of music that Kpop was turning towards, and I noticed how saturated it was with random groups that couldn’t even leave a mark. I also noticed its immense rise in overall popularity: Kpop was becoming more and more mainstream at a rapid rate, and I was having none of it. Instead, I began to venture into k-indie, acoustic, soul, and simply put, healing songs. I turned to artists like Eddy Kim, Davichi, Baek Jiyoung, Kim Feel, Echae En Route, Roy Kim (one my truest loves), Ggotjam Project, Clazziquai Project, Urban Zakapa, Kassy, Fromm, and many, many, many more. I have had the blessing to watch these almost-nobody artists grow, release more music, gain a tad bit more recognition, and simply become even more amazing than they already were back when I discovered them at their early stages. (Sam Kim would debut later, in 2016, and blow me away as well. In fact, all the Antenna Angels). The music from these artists, kept me alive in a similar, yet different way, than Infinite had in years past. I didn’t need to know their faces or ages or personalities or honestly, anything, about them, to feel instantaneously better. These artists and their songs were healing, in a way where the only thing that truly mattered, was their voice.

A quick story about Kim Feel, who has come to be my all time favorite artist whom I would die for: I came across a song from Younha called 없어, and it blew me away. It was gorgeous. A hip hop duo, named Elupant featured in this song and I simply became aware of their name through this track. A few months later, Elupant would release the single Crater featuring. Kim Feel. I gave the song a chance because I vaguely knew of them, and I was once again, blown away. I did not know who this vocalist, Kim Feel, was, but I knew that he was indescribably amazing at singing, and something about his voice was just so different. For months, I wouldn’t even know what Kim Feel looked like. I barely knew that he was a singer because I had only seen his name from that one song, and his WIkipedia page didn’t even exist at that time. Then, in mid-June of 2015, I saw somewhere on Facebook that Kim Feel was releasing his first mini album, and that’s when I finally got some decent exposure to him. I finally saw what he looked like, how he placed second on SSK5, and how he had released several singles here and there in the past. His mini album, Feel Free, was everything I didn’t know I wanted, and I loved it to death. Later, he would go on to perform on Immortal Songs 2 and literally make me cry ugly tears from just one performance. Kim Feel is an artist that I got to know and fall in love solely through his voice and music and nothing else. That is the true beauty about singer-songwriters. He is an absolutely amazing artist and has come to be my most cherished one. Unfortunately, he is currently serving in the army right now, but my soul will always belong to Kim Feel and his music.

I didn’t really like kpop anymore.

Book 7

I want this part of my story to simply be about my current thoughts on kpop, in this moment in time, over a decade after first being exposed to this entire culture. In this book, I will pick apart the sort of darker sides in the Korean pop music industry, which are easily overlooked amidst the fervor of fans and idols and flashing lights. This is a perspective that I have come to hone throughout years of observance and trials and growth, and simply maturing into an adult alongside the ever-changing industry itself. My view of kpop has come to change in a way in which I no longer support several aspects of it. There are simply things that go on within the industry that I want nothing to deal with. Things that I have may have enjoyed in the past are now things that I do not need in my life any longer. Please remember that kpop goes beyond music and idols. It is a lifestyle. For many people, it is a way of living about their daily lives: listening to their favorite group’s music, watching countless videos and shows of them, keeping up with their daily whereabouts and activities, knowing their birthdays and family members and personal details, and simply associating themselves with their favorite group in any way possible, as much as possible. For many kpop fans, it goes beyond liking a group’s music: it is liking their looks, personalities, habits, style, affiliations, it is liking everything. It is true that this isn’t the case for nearly every fan in kpop, but I think it is safe to say that it is a common practice amongst many kpop fans. People come to live for these groups, but of course, there is nothing wrong with that. No one knows how to breathe and wake up every day and live for a kpop group better than I do. But I want to make one very important point clear: Kpop is a market and everything is a concept. Now, let me elaborate a little bit more.

1) It is a factory.

I do not recall it being this bad in the past, but nowadays, I can say for sure that groups are debuting left and right, nonstop, almost every week, or even every day. It’s just too much. Too saturated. Talent is exploited.

2) Most of these kids lack talent.

I know that every single new rookie isn’t completely talent-less, but in such a relentless industry, and especially nowadays with the sheer amount of people trying to break through, all these girls and boys look the exact same to me. Long ago, I gave up on getting into and keeping track of rookies. I decided that they I preferred my golden groups, the ones that defined that my own kpop era, and that they were the only ones I really had time for anyway. I am not saying this applies to all of them, because of course there are always exceptions. Take the latest show, The UNIT, for example. These people are supposed to be already debuted idols, looking for another shot at fame. Yet, the most jarring thing I noticed, especially with the females, is that they can’t even sing. Is that not a basic? These girls were out there on stage belting flat notes left and right and it was atrocious. It blew my mind, because even on P101, trainees who haven’t even had “experience” like those idols had, could sing significantly better. I don’t remember when the standard to become an idol dropped so low, but it is outright disappointing to me. For me personally, a nice face or some cool dance moves or a wholesome personality is not going to make you worthy of being an idol. You have to be a performer. And if you can’t even accomplish the basics, as in pull off the right notes, then why even try?

3) There is a lack of self-expression.

This is something that could be argued from several angles, and I am glad to agree that the stereotype has been changing more and more these days, towards a better direction. But if we are to speak straight from the debut days of Boyfriend or Infinite, or even SNSD for example, then the story is a little bit less complicated. It is simple: many of these groups are forced to do things that they do not necessarily want to or choose to do. Although it varies, almost every aspect of these people’s lives is controlled by their companies. The songs they sing, the dances that they dance to, the clothes they wear, the places they go to, the food they eat, the people they have to meet, and sometimes, even the things they say. These are very frequently not 100% under the artists’ complete control. And that is simply… pretty hard to grasp, but certainly true in most situations. Hence the “everything is a concept”. Because it really is. Many of the things that these artists do are a part of a concept that they must pull off, an image that they must present to the public, whether that is their true self or not, little do we ever know. Hoya’s talk about his departure from Infinite and Woollim does a really good job of exposing this sort of culture that goes on behind the scenes. Of course, nowadays at least, many artists are receiving more musical freedom and even the opportunity to partake in the very creation and composition of their own music.

4) Kpop idols are HUMAN.

This is one that I want to emphasize as if my life depends on it. Time and time again, I think the fact that kpop idols are human is something that people seem to completely disregard. I have never seen a fanbase as cruel and scrutinizing as the kpop fanbase. It almost downright scares me. Sasaeng fans are a reality that I wish did not exist, because they are just so rude, inconsiderate, and intense. Those manic, excessive fans really make me fear for idols’ wellbeing. Furthermore, there are so, so, soooo many incidents in which a Korean artist would do this or do that or say this or that and the situation is completely, totally, blown out of proportion. I have read articles about complaints that made absolutely no sense. I want to make this clear: Nobody's perfect, and neither are kpop stars. They will make mistakes, more than once if anything. But how, in the world, in any universe, does that give people permission to write hate comments at them? To bash on every little thing about them? To write petitions for them to leave their respective groups completely? Why do people think that is okay? Why do people not understand that, just like you and me, and anyone else, kpop stars have feelings. Is that so hard to believe? That no matter how small of a word or phrase you use to hurt them, you are instilling hate regardless. And that is not okay. It is never okay. Because they are human. The world, fans, no one, will never really know what is going on in an idol’s life. I do not want to make this part solely about Kim Jonghyun, but I think it is only right to mention him here. It was stated time and time again that Jonghyun was suffering from severe depression, to an extent where he took his own life. And the entire kpop world fell into complete shambles since then. Does this make it more transparent for everyone? That hate comments, that inner feelings and emotions, that all of these things are very real aspects of idols’ lives. It is so extremely hard, for me personally, to watch these idols become decreased to shoddy titles and names over the smallest of incidents. The hate needs to stop. Kpop idols are humans. Please.

5) The exhaustive work schedules.

This basically stems from the whole humanizing kpop idols thing. But I absolutely despise of the fact that is it common for idols to faint on stage, become hospitalized for over-exhaustion, or take breaks to recover. I have one simple question: Why do we have to work them until they reach that point? Are their bodies and capabilities expendable objects or something? Why is it okay? Why is it common for crying out loud? These people are literally worked to their limit, for several weeks on end. Once again, I’d like to point out that they are not invincible gods with undying strength. They are humans. There just has to be something done about the ridiculous work schedules that these people have to deal with. It just is not okay.

6) Companies are milking fans for their money.

This one is a big statement. It is not necessarily completely true for every single company, but it is definitely not wrong in any way at all. Think about why a company would start up a group in the first place. To give these hard working people a chance in the limelight out of generosity because they totally deserve it? No, of course not lol. There is a win-win situation within a lot of these groups, or at least the more successful ones. They earn lots and lots of money, a large portion of which goes straight to company, while also becoming famous and etc etc everything else they’ve always wanted. But companies are playing a game at the same time, marketing these groups to any extent possible. Ever wonder why groups frequently venture into the Japanese market? Ever wonder why groups have to release 4952548 different versions of one simple album (which is totally a newer-generation-of-kpop trend. groups in the past never did this)? Ever wonder why Lee Soo Man purposely created a multicultural group when it probably would’ve been much easier to just make a purely Korean one? Everything in the kpop industry, and I mean everything comes down to money. That is the reality of it. It is a market.

6) The music no longer sounds like kpop to me.

With the massive rise to global stardom that a lot of current day groups have acquired has come the musical shift into which, in my opinion, the overall sound of kpop is very much more westernized. Many groups are following the trend of releasing music that is edm, trap, tropical house, dupstep, etc -oriented. And for me, I’m not digging it. I fell in love with kpop because of sounds like Big Bang’s and Infinite’s older music. But now, the music is so completely different. A lot of these songs honestly just sound like something I would hear playing on the American radio. Which may just be the goal anyway. But for me, if kpop just sounds like everything else now, why would I listen to it? I originally liked it because it was different, and didn’t sound like everything else I was already hearing. But now it just does. Sigh.

7) There has been a complete generation shift.

This is something that I talk about extensively to my friends and peers. I’d like to say that it is something that I am very passionate about. There isn’t a day in which a part of me isn’t internally mourning about the death of my kpop generation. I think the generational shift becomes more and more apparent as time goes by: look at the groups that were active 5 years ago, and compare them to now. Are any of them even the same? Probably not. And that sort of reality pains me a lot. I understand that it’s simply about growth, getting over it, and moving on. But I’ll always reminisce from time to time. Here are the groups that defined my generation of kpop, and what happened to them:

Big Bang: indefinite hiatus (TOP is in the army, w/ the others well on their way)

SHINee: active (this one breaks my heart even more because not only did I constantly commend SHINee for staying whole and active, despite their apparent downfall in popularity and relevance, I was just always thankful for their undying perseverance as an older generation group. The loss of Jonghyun completely broke my heart because it was a reality I never wanted to believe in. I’m still in shock and it really does hurt to think how SHINee’s name will now forever go down in tragedy rather than legendary)

SNSD: indefinite hiatus (this one is a little hazy. It has been stated that the name of SNSD lives on, despite the members being in different companies. A sliver of hope remains for them)

2NE1: disbanded (first they lost Minzy, and then they completely fell apart)

LEDApple: disbanded (or at least i think so?? The members moved around all over the place and I’m pretty sure no one is left)

2PM: indefinite hiatus (Taec is in the army, while the others are doing their own thang for now. I have faith that they’ll return as 6 one day, though. Fight on, 2PM <3)

B1A4: active (i got to see them in feb, too, bless up)

ZE:A: indefinite hiatus (all the members are in separate companies. Minwoo & Taeheon returned from the army already while Kwanghee, Heechul, and Siwan are currently serving. The rest have been doing their own things as well. In fact, Kevin resides in Australia now. They have stated several times that despite being in different places and companies, the group has not officially disbanded yet. It warms my heart to think that there is still hope for them.)

U-KISS: active (they lost Kevin and AJ and Dongho in the year past and I know they’re still managing to stay alive with the addition of Jun as well)

Teen Top: hiatus (L.Joe was caught up in some messy legal stuff with his company and seemed to have left the industry as a whole in a rather ugly way… it definitely hurt to watch this pan out in the way that it did… nonetheless, Teen Top is basically still irrelevant anyway, despite the multiple comebacks they’ve had in years past.)

4Minute: disbanded (;__;)

Super Junior: active (this is such a blessing, honestly, to have Super Junior alive and active, despite alllllll the shit they’ve been through these past years. I know they’re definitely on the older side, but these guys are absolute legends and it makes me so happy to see them still together, even if just partially)

f(x): indefinite hiatus (their last release was in 2015 which means it’s almost been 3 freaking years since we last saw them active as 4, after Sulli’s departure. Wow… I really do hope to see them soon)

Apink: active (but barely relevant…They were also once 7, until Yookyung left in 2012, I believe.)

Girls Day: active (but not as relevant as they were before, either. Their recent, occasional releases have been decent, but not good enough to be big. They also technically lost a member before, too.)

BEAST: active as Highlight (They lost Hyunseung, and then they all left Cube. Miraculously, these boys kept themselves afloat and even established their own label together, as five. I am honestly so happy for what they have accomplished and even though it sucks that we’ll never hear the name BEAST in same way or affiliation anymore, these five guys are still going strong. I think they proved to me that they really do enjoy being idols, which is kinda rare considering how long they’ve been active in the industry)

VIXX: active (and probably one of the most relevant idols out of this list)

Miss A: disbanded (it was unclear for a while, but also pretty obvious because each member went their separate way. But JYP recently declared their disbandment official)

Sistar: disbanded (they were active for exactly 7 years, debuting and disbanding on the same exact day. This one definitely hurt)

BAP: active (they took a long hiatus somewhere in between, but it was well-deserved considering how ridiculously active they were back then. They still come back quite often nowadays, but it is unfortunately safe to say that they no longer leave the same impact as they did years before)

KARA: disbanded (despite adding Youngji after Nicole and Jiyoung left, they couldn’t last long enough. this one also hurt because of how spot-on their music always was for me.)

MBLAQ: indefinite hiatus (the name itself still lives on, and they never officially declared disbandment. but MBLAQ is probably one of the only groups that will go down in pure tragedy in my heart because I really did, truly, love them to death at one point. The departure of Lee Joon and Thunder threw this group into shambles and they barely managed to come back once as a trio, until their company disintegrated before our eyes and screwed them over even more. These boys used to be top of the top, dominating the industry in every way possible, musically and in variety shows, too. But lately, in fact, not even that recently, G.O. had taken to his personal social media to reveal the mistreatment and basically the complete shit they had to go through as idols. He was utterly traumatized by his experiences in the industry, to a point where he never wanted to sing again. But he talked about how the other 2 members gave him strength, as well as the few fans that were left to support him. MBLAQ literally dissolved into ashes right before my eyes, yet no one, and I mean no one, has been talking about this. They honestly just went through so much and have lost a lot as well. It hurt so bad to watch such an amazing group fall apart so fast, without even making a sound. Fuck the industry.)

Wonder Girls: disbanded (these legendary girls first faced the departure of Sun, and then Sohee. Sunmi was added into the mix after a very long hiatus, but they lasted for about 2 years until they officially disbanded)

T-Ara: indefinite hiatus (this group has faced a ferocious path of ups and downs. First with Hwayoung, and her departure, then with Areum and her departure as well, and then the very sudden departure of Soyeon and Boram. The four remaining members have decided to not renew their contracts with their current agency, but it is unclear if T-Ara still really exists at all at this point.)

Block B: active (and thankfully pretty relevant, I think)

Boyfriend: hiatus (Donghyun is on the Unit right now. I know they haven’t been super active in the past years, but when they tried, it was lackluster. They’ve definitely lost a lot of the momentum they once had years ago :( )

After School: indefinite hiatus (so many members have “graduated” in the past years, that only five are left now. I honestly can’t recall the last time they released music, but I can tell it’s been a very long time…)

CN Blue: active (but unfortunately very irrelevant anyway. They celebrated their 8th anniversary recently though! Congrats (: )

Rainbow: disbanded (so so so sad…)

Infinite: active (bless the heavens. Hoya’s departure shattered my world and I was admittedly a sobbing mess for several days on end. But their impending comeback is going to warm my heart and ears, I just know it. It’s been a good one whole year and a third since I last saw them come back. I have definitely missed their once steadfast presence. Welcome back, my loves <3 )

Welp, that was quite refreshing, to take a quick peek at the histories of these groups that once defined my middle school years. It definitely hurts to count how many times I had to write “disbanded” or “indefinite hiatus” because of how unclear and shaky a lot of these groups’ futures look. It has been pretty obvious for a while, that with the progressive crumbling of this once sturdy, strong, and seemingly invincible gang of groups, a new era of groups has been ushered in to take center stage and render the rest of the once-legends weak and irrelevant. Groups that used to make headlines on the daily basis and smash charts consistently are now barely hanging onto existence in the industry. It is quite painful to watch. There are many times where I just want to go back to those days where the names and faces and songs that were “mainstream” were the ones that I could actually recognize and enjoy. Now, it is quite the opposite. Adieu, my generation of kpop.

I just really don’t like kpop anymore. (but I still like Korean music! :) )

[v-le]

Kconcert: DAY6 Live & Meet in LA Review

Foreword: On New Year’s Eve of 2015, Day6 released news of a US Fanmeeting Tour, with three stops in San Francisco, LA, and New York. It was set to happen in April of 2016. I had purchased tickets for the SF show without hesitation. However, once March came around, it was announced that the shows would be postponed to August 2016. Which meant five excruciating more months of waiting. And then, before August could come around, the tour was eventually canceled altogether. I was thoroughly devastated. They left us hanging on a string for 8 entire months only to snap it & let us fall in the end. Fast forward to August of 2017, and finally! Day6 is scheduled to visit five cities in North America! And last night was the night I nearly waited 2 entire years for.

Yes, I admittedly cried when they canceled the shows. And so I was immensely excited for them to come back. For the LA show in particular, it was almost impossible to get tickets and they sold out immediately, but thankfully my coworker got a pair for us. The seats we got were in row M, not too far back, but way off to the left side of the stage. We also got a hi-touch benefit with our tickets. Next, I’m going to talk about the good & the bad that went down last night. Maybe it wasn’t perfect, but it was still very memorable nonetheless.

The Good

The sound system was very high quality. Everything was crisp, clear, and loud. Now if only my shitty Samsung could’ve recorded audio without all that crazy static, sigh.

Their vocals were on point; as stable as I would’ve ever imagined. I’m sure we all knew coming in, how amazing they all are at singing, right? Really, just phenomenal vocals. As expected from the boys of Day6 :’)

I guess they’re kinda funny?

I got to touch them, coooool.

I had an epiphany about this entire kpop-fan gig I thought I could pull off, but have very much grown out of now.

The Bad

Way. Too. Much. Talking. I understand that it was a "live & meet", but spending 5+ mins per member just to answer one question, and then playing a pretty stupid game that also lasted about 30 mins or more was honestly just a waste of my time. I get that it's fun & interactive for fans, but for me, I just wanted to get on with the show.

The set-list was... quite a disappointment, personally... They sang either a really random song, or just those normal title ones. Of all the ones they could've gotten from The Day, they chose Free하게... why... why not 태양처럼 or 이상하게 계속 이래 or 버릇이 됐어 or even COLORS??? *sighs* And for Daydream, they use Hunt (not to say it was a terrible song, but the others are pretty great too)?? Why not Blood, or Sing Me, or 바래 or even First Time?? *sighs again* I have a personal Top 6 from Day6 and out of the Top 6, only my 6th song was sung (놓아 놓아 놓아), but ironically, it wasn't’ even the right version....... the part that made that song extra iconic & amazing was Young K's rap, but the “Rebooted” version completely cut his rap out... But I guess okay, all those songs are really old and they’ve made a lot more music since the first two mini albums. So, maybe they’ll sing the better ones out of EveryDay6? But of all complete EveryDay6 months they could’ve done, they did April?? Dance Dance + Man in a Movie....? But what about October?? Their most recent ones?? The devastation was real. In the end, I never got to hear any songs that I seriously, really, truly longed to hear, unfortunately.

I just hated how the timing is annoyingly off. If I were able to see them in 2016, they would've only sung their songs from the first two mini albums, leaving a really high chance for them to sing all the stellar ones (in my opinion). But with this more expanded discography from the EveryDay6 project, the likelihood of them singing the older songs decreases significantly. and that was just something I have no control over; it was all about the timing. And this time around, they focused on their newer, more popular songs. darn :( but I guess, that should’ve been expected. They had to appeal to the general audience.

I genuinely felt reallyyyy bad for them as I watched them hi touch 4409209 people as we waited our turn too. They just looked straight up exhausted, especially Wonpil. I remember thinking in my head, "Aren’t their arms getting sore???" but they weren't even halfway through yet.. :(

This was my first time experiencing a hi touch, and as expected, it went by extremely fast. In all honesty, I wasn't as nervous or excited as I wanted to be; I thought I would be freaking out inside, but I really just wasn't. While some girls around me were hyperventilating or about to pass out or cry, I was just kinda “eh, cool”. They were very nice though. Forcefully smiley maybe. Except for Jae who looked genuinely touched.  

These fangirls are crazy ok i have no more words to describe this one ..

I honestly just got the feeling that I can probably just settle for fancams of them on youtube. Something about the songs they sang, I mean obviously none of them were my personal favorites, but they weren't super special / held no immense meaning for me. The feels never really hit me. If anything, I’ve felt more emotional watching them on youtube than I did live. (Wow this makes me sound really ungrateful, which I am not at all. I just never got that overwhelming concert feeling, ya feel??)

I think it really shows to me that it just comes down to the music for me. It's great to see them live and in person and everything, but if they aren’t singing songs that will touch me, I will lose interest / engagement. I didn't feel fully immersed in their performances. Usually when I go to a concert, there is at least one song or one kind of performance that makes me feel completely overwhelmed, as if time stopped in that moment, everything feels surreal, and I almost want to cry. But for the first time after a concert, I walked out thinking about the price I paid for that kind of experience. Isn't that kinda bad? I guess I just expected way more... I set the bar too high for them, especially since I’ve been waiting nearly 2 years for this day to come. 

I JUST CARE ABOUT THE MUSIC. is what I officially learned.

Overall rating: 5/10. I feel like I’m being pretty brutal and probably annoying to anyone that really wanted to go, but couldn’t get the chance to. In general, it had a disappointing set-list, they spent an excessive amount of time chatting it up, I didn't really get the feels, and I seriously started questioning if I’m really a "fan" or if I just like their music and that’s it. It’s not like I’m in love with their personalities or looks, nor do I watch every single video of them and keep up with their whereabouts on the daily. Kpop is always an "entire package" kind of thing where you have to like and keep up with every aspect of that group/person to be a fan. But I honestly don’t do any of that at all. Maybe I did at first. But now, I really just listen to their music. I just follow their music. I don’t care much for anything else about them. I really just wanted to hear them sing. Not just sing the songs I personally love to death, but just to sing more, too. All the negatives aside though, I really do love Day6 and even though all their music isn’t perfect to my ears, they are all still very much enjoyable, which is what matters most at the end of the day, right? Maybe I’ll just have to wait another time around, until I can hear my personal faves live. Thank you, Day6, for such a memorable night! The energy & atmosphere was alive and burning bright. See you guys soon!

[v-le]

An Ugly Wall of Text from Your Average Inspirit

Hello friends, it seems as if my impulsive posts are more common than my carefully structured and articulated ones these days.

Despite being deep into Week 2 of UC right now, the past happenings with the Infinite members have pushed me to especially look for an outlet to unleash my somewhat “rampant” emotions.

Yesterday, I discovered that basically all the Infinite members (besides Sungyeol at the moment), went on an “unfollow Hoya on Instagram and delete all pictures of him and OT7” spree. As a foreword, I am not saying that I know exactly what happened, nor do I want to pose any viable answers. I simply want to talk about how this makes me feel.

First, Infinite has grown significantly, no, immensely since I first started following them around 2011. It is now almost 2018. To put this concisely, I loved them back then, and I love them even more today. I have matured 7 years since then, and so have they. There were admittedly times in between the years where I was too busy with school, too tired, just too caught up with life, to even pay much attention to them. But never once did I take their existence for granted. I had full faith (or maybe just too much hope) that they would always be there for as long as they could.

During the summer of this year, I began creating an “Infinite Appreciation Post”, which I never exactly got around to finishing due to various reasons (procrastination being the biggest one). Here is the rough draft that I had composed:

After much procrastination, I’ve finally sat down and decided to create this! My journey with Infinite literally grew alongside with my Korean music roots way back in the day. With the passing of their 7th anniversary, and their unfortunately prolonged contract discussion, I found the need to make this post hurriedly. Without further ado…

 THIS IS INFINITE

Adorkable

If you’ve watched Infinite enough on variety shows and other things, you would know that these boys are absolute goofballs. Honestly there are so many memorable moments that have made me laugh/cry, but they’re mostly from their earlier days because, yes, I admit, it was extremely hard to keep up these past 2-ish years with school & such.

A few (of MANY) favorite moments:

I’m not a monkey, but i love     banana

Jjik-jjik boy

Name all the members in     5-sec(?)

“L L L L L L !!” “.......why is     the answer L?”

INFINITE H’s Milk song

Gwiyomi Song Sungyeol Ver.

GAE SHAMPOO

Just Dongwoo laughing

Infinite watching fetus     INFINITE videos

Hoya’s eleupantery skool

   Discography

I admit that Kpop is not really my preference anymore, but when it was, Infinite’s music blew me away. Their sound back in the day was distinct, almost a sort of 80’s style twist, with consistent synths, well-structured progression, and vocals that gave a strong impact. Their songs were, and still are, nothing short of catchy. My all-time favorite Infinite song will most probably be Shot. There is not one second in that song that doesn’t sound like absolute perfection. I think it is safe to say that as of mid-2014, probably starting with Back (or maybe if we go even farther, say Destiny era??), Infinite’s tracks have transformed into mixtures of EDM and orchestral bravados(?). If anything, it is quite unconventional, quite bold, but nonetheless still  Infinite-esque, and of course, catchy.

A few (of many) honorable mentions in no particular order:

Can U Smile (Acoustic Ver.)

The Chaser

Molla

I Like You

Feel So Bad

Rosinante

Sonagi

Last Romeo

Still I Miss You

ZERO

Air

3분의1

Request

Missing You

Inception

Paradise

Hysterie

Wings

Entrust

Infinite’s (Korean) discography is probably one of the only Kpop boy band discographies that I know like the back of my hand. They have created real masterpieces.

 Performances

Infinite’s stage presence is… indescribable. Just watch for yourself. These boys know what they’re doing, and they know that they’re good at it. Whether it be intense dance routines, emotional ballad renditions, or simply a stellar title song performance, Infinite will really, truly, never fail to captivate the audience (which I have been blessed to be a part of twice back in 2013 & 2014). Also, I’d like to give special recognition to  their Immortal Songs Performances because those are on a whole other level. I always wonder, idols, or genuine artists??? Or BOTH?

A few (of many) legendary performances:

Please Don’t by K.Will ft.     INFINITE H

60 Seconds by INFINITE

Be Mine by INFINITE

Still I Miss You by INFINITE

Acoustic Medley by INFINITE

Freeze by INFINITE

Thank You by INFINITE

Sonagi by INFINITE

IS2 Faves

Busan Seagull by INFINITE H

Day ‘Till the Sun Rises by     Sunggyu & Woohyun

In the Rain by INFINITE H

By Woohyun

 OTPs

Who doesn’t love to ship a few beautiful bromances now and then? Honestly, I feel like these boys are so close that they can probably pull off an OTP with each and every member. BUT, here are some of legendary ones:

Woogyu

Myungyeol

Yadong

Myungjong

Woosoo

2Woo

Hoyeol

Gyujong

 Little did I know that a month and a half later, my world would fall apart. The key point I am trying to get at here is that, with all my heart’s devotion, with an undying burn, I supported Infinite even as the years trickled by. I missed them, cherished them, waited for them, believed in them, and thanked them. Thanked them thousands and thousands of times in my head. I knew how much it meant for a 2nd generation kpop group like them to still be alive & whole since debut, and I was so eternally thankful for that.

 I say this all the time, but I never in the slightest expected a member to leave. Not after everything they’ve been through and everything they’ve said. But knowing their personalities and their “brotherhood”, I think it’s safe to say that we all assumed they separated on more or less good terms. Especially since this decision took 3 months to come to, they probably all discussed this extensively and came to an agreement, right…?

And now, the members have explicitly shown a somewhat bold reaction by unfollowing Hoya & deleting pictures of him and the group as whole from their Instagram.

CREDITS: @NASH357_ on Twitter

I’ll say this blatantly: I get that Hoya is no longer a part of Infinite or has any association with them, but you cannot delete photos of him and the entire group as if the past seven years never happened.

I don’t know why or who (if anyone specific) was behind this, and I don’t think anyone will ever really know. Whether the members were forced to do this, and if they, in fact, still talk to Hoya on personal terms, we will never know.

However, I don’t think cutting public ties like that fixes anything. It just made me feel even more conflicted.

 The faith that I had in Infinite was overwhelming. Pardon my excessiveness, but no matter how petty or immature I sound, I want to make it clear that, yes, I fell right into their “We’ll last forever together” trap. Because why wouldn’t I? Is it me being naïve or is the world just being cruel? I think it’s the latter.

The first major emotion I feel is sadness. Pure depression. I wish every single day that all of this was just a bad nightmare. That all of this was just a big accident and that Hoya will return one day. I wish with all my heart that all seven of them are still together. That’s all I want. Together. All 7. Not 6. 7 is everything, everything is 7. But I know that will never happen, and that makes me indescribably sad.

Next, I feel like I’ve been tricked. I feel like I’ve blindly believed in the lies of boys that kept promises they couldn’t keep. I should’ve seen this coming, considering the trends of all the 2nd gen. kpop groups these days. But at the same time, no, I had way too much faith in them. I told myself they’d never end up like the rest of them. That Infinite was different. But they weren’t. They weren’t, and aren’t, different in the slightest.  I feel almost stupid, for putting so much faith into them. Why did I invest so much hope into their future? Was it even necessary? Why did I fall in so deep, when I was bound to get cut anyway? On the other hand, a perfectly reasonable answer: because I am their fan.

Lastly, I feel conflicted. I’m wavering between the urge to scream and cry, or maybe do both?? WHY? Just why? Why did this have to happen to my ultimate group? Why did I have to watch the world fall apart on August 29th, 2017? All I really know is that I miss Infinite. I miss all of them, and even though I kept repeating that phrase throughout the summer while they were taking ages to renew their contracts, little did I know that I would be saying it for the rest of eternity now.

In all honesty, I actually had a fleeting moment of thought in which I almost wanted to give up on them altogether. Not just Hoya, but Infinite, too, just all of them. I wanted to drop this Inspirit gig and completely convert to following singer-songwriters and real musicians like I basically already do. Infinite was my last kpop straw. I never ever, ever, thought I would ever think like that. I almost began to fear myself, because how could I think to throw away everything so quickly, over Instagram followings???

 In conclusion, I am clearly still not really okay. It’s been a little over a month since Hoya left, but my world is still tipped upside down. I’m still really lost, I still really miss Infinite, and I just…. I’m still really traumatized.

  But I’m sure, just like anything and anyone else, I will get over this with time. Time will fade the lines between anger and sadness and I’ll think of this event as just a bad day. Or at least I hope. I’ll get through this. And if you’re in the same boat as me, don’t worry, you will, too! And if you thought I was just plain crazy throughout this entire rant and just judged me the entire way through, it’s okay! Think what you want, but all that really tells me is that you’re not a true fan anyway :’). True fans can’t pick up their heads and smile and tell the rest of the world to get over it that fast. So please, let my lamenting self be. It’ll be okay, one day.

[v-le]

Thank You, Hoya.

As I type this, I am admittedly an ugly mess. I woke up from a nap this evening & I saw an article that came out a few minutes beforehand about Hoya’s contract renewal, saying that he did not go through with it. Groggily, I clicked on it, not thinking much.

I sat wide awake as I read the sentence once, twice, over and over and my mind couldn’t even properly process it. Leaving?? Actually leaving???

Let me back up, as in, a few months before all this unfolded. Infinite was supposed to come back in May, as announced in their third fan-meeting and everything.  Sunggyu was having health issues and the comeback naturally got pushed back. Their 7th Anniversary eventually came around, but I kinda felt like it was a quiet celebration. There were a few SNS posts, but no annual live broadcast, apparently due to issues with gathering all the members in one place. (When they said this, I thought to myself, ‘This is their SEVENTH anniversary, but they can’t even get together just for that???’ *sad but also equally confused face*). Their contracts came to an end, but there was no official word of their next steps for quite a while. In the middle, we got a little announcement that discussions were still going on and that they were all headed in a positive direction. Weeks trickled past. It was rumored that all re-signed except for one member, supposedly L, but that was just a false report. Three excruciating months later, it is revealed that everyone but Hoya renewed their contract with Woollim Ent. And then the next day, they announced his departure from the company, and the group completely.

I honestly did not see it coming. Throughout these three anxiety-filled months, I kept preparing myself for the worst, which was presumably an official disbandment. But never in the slightest could I imagine a falling apart. A break up?? The loss of a piece that makes them whole? Not hiatus, not disbandment, not separate ways, but the genuine departure of a member. An entire member. I just……….. of all groups to ever pull this off (and we all know that plenty of 2nd gen. groups have been through this, GG, Teen Top, Beast, 2NE1, Apink, Girls’ Day, etc.) INFINITE was one to follow this….. “trend”. This wretched trail of pain that way too many groups have crossed several times.

Before I go into how I feel overall, I just want to make it clear that of course, I will still support Infinite as 6 members, and Hoya in his personal endeavors unconditionally, no matter what. I’ve literally been following them for over 6 frking years now, how could I just abandon any of them like that? No, lol, I’m in way too deep, y’all. So yes, I will never ever ever everrrrrrrrrr bash or disrespect their decisions in any way. I will, of course, wholeheartedly accept this with open arms because that is what true fans do. And if anything, considering that this is what we’ve come to after THREE entire months, doesn’t that just further prove to us how hard this probably was for the members, and staff, and just everyone else collectively? Clearly, a lot of thought went into this. This wasn’t impulsive. This is for the better, and I will fully respect that.

HOWEVER, I am, after all, a fking diehard Inspirit and these boys have literally defined my years as I’ve matured into an adult. They’ve been with me through thick and thin, and as I like to say, my “part-time lifeline”. Even though I almost basically despise current kpop (I will say this several times, but 2nd gen. kpop is dead & gone and that’s something I will mourn for a while), Infinite has always been there. They are my Day 1′s, and as time went on, even when I got extremely busy w/ junior & senior year of high school, I still tried my best to keep up with them, support them, and just honestly, thank them. For being there. Because even as all these years passed before my eyes, they were still here, ALL 7 of them, still occasionally coming back with music for fans, still being Infinite. Just being Infinite. And I was (and still am) so eternally thankful for that. I watched groups lose members, go on hiatuses, or completely fall apart left and right, but Infinite promised us time and time again that they would be there no matter what. I can’t say this enough, but seriously, from the bottom of my heart, when I had time to just reflect on the years, I was just so so so so overwhelmingly thankful for them. 

And so 1 member leaving was just……. it broke me to pieces. I was utterly, completely devastated. Because it was simply a reality I never saw coming. One I never wanted to believe in. I wanted to keep believing that they would continue on as seven for as long their hearts could desire, just as they’ve been doing for all these years. That they’d surpass Shinhwa, and be the longest-lasting boy group to exist, unchanged since debut. That they are family, brothers for life, that they would never separate in such a way. Not to say that they aren’t family anymore. But that their bond of trust would transcend any notions of breaking apart.

But really. It’s okay. Nothing lasts forever, and I know that very well. All good things must come to an end. And that is what I’ve had the most trouble dealing with ever since I read that sentence. This is the end of an era for the boys. This marks a new journey where nothing will be the same as it was before, for better or for worse, who knows yet. But we all have to say goodbye to the Infinite that existed before today. And that’s what’s really hard for me. That’s what has got me looking like an ugly sobbing mess for a good 8 hours today LOL. Because it’s really hard for me to say farewell so suddenly. But the storm will pass, with time.

And with that, I want to once again, thank Infinite, thank Hoya, thank the world for letting these boys shine brightly for the past 7 years, and to hopefully continue to shine even brighter for years to come. Thank you so much Hoya, for being such a pillar (—holy fck hold up, I never thought I’d be typing these words and now im a mess again, great) within Infinite.

Thank you for being the iconic dancing machine within Infinite.

Thank you for not only rapping impressively, but singing stunningly as well.

Thank you for venturing into the acting scene & pulling off amazing characters like in Reply 1997, Mask, My Lovely Girl, Radiant Office, and more.

Thank you for being a complete bora-dori.

Thank you for constantly expressing your passion for hip hop (remember when he talked about when he was younger, he even wished he was black??? AHAHAH good times :’)), whether it was through Infinite H, self-composed raps/songs, or your personal Youtube channel.

Thank you for gifting us with your iconic bitch face. (This might honeslty be the biggest thing I miss LOL jk jk ily hoya adjakfjlkf i cant rn)

Thank you for being a dork/dick half the time and always roasting the members without shame.

Thank you for yes, ddabong to u too times 5805925 LOL

Thank you for developing from that awk, Busan boy into a resilient Seoul man HAHAHHA proud of u tho

Thank you for your brows because we all know they were ur focal point ;)

Thank you for also unleashing ur inner hoaegi sometimes

Thank you for sincerely being one of the most passionate members ever. I think I can safely say that no one put more energy and fervor into a performance than you did.

and just…

Thank you for being a part of Infinite for these past 7 years. At this very moment, I cannot imagine an Infinite without you. I will miss everything you have given us, and more than anything, thank you for working so hard.

호원아 고생했어 사랑해 ❤

[v-le]

My Trip to S. Korea (5/25/16 - 6/2/16)

Hello, friends!! I am back! Ahaha I have several posts that I’ve been wanting to make, but this one in particular has been fueling my interest more than ever these days. Rather than a review or a rant, this post is simply.. a log? :)

On May 25th of last year, I had the opportunity to travel to Korea as a 16 year old junior. I left school a week and a half earlier than everyone else, but it wasn’t just for fun. I was a part of IVSBP, the Interact Vietnam Soccer Ball Project (s/o to my wonderful team: Rotarians Nick, Marriane, Avis, and Sue, Roteractor Oliver, & fellow Interactors Gina and Abdul), a service project that aimed to bring the power of play to less fortunate children in Vietnam. In 2016, the Rotary International Convention (RICON) was being held in Korea, and I was blessed enough to be a part of the team that represented IVSBP with its very own booth at RICON. In this place, over 45,000 Rotarians from all over the world would gather for several special days. 

Each and every day, I documented my journey by quickly (and messily) scribbling each entry onto a currency conversion diagram paper that was partially cut up for reasons I cannot recall. Here is my 7-day “diary”, as transcribed word for word from the paper itself, with extra commentary below each entry:

Day 1

Arrive in Seoul Incheon + struggle tremendously to find driver. Astounded/fascinated/freaked out by tons of tall apts. Notes smog. Eat funky dinner w/ ppl, walked late at night.

Yes, I was admittedly spooked by the massive apartments that stretched on and on for as long as the eye could see LOL. The drive from Incheon to Seoul was one that I will never forget. That foreign feeling of being in a country that I dreamed about so many times makes my heart bulge with longing excitement. Also, our lodging was an Airbnb located in the heart of Gangnam. And so, our first night-walk was one that I wished could last forever.

Day 2

Wake at 6:45 am. Go to convention to set up. Kintex was rly cool. Cooler empty. Ate lunch (self-service). slow business. Went home to rest. Took metro home b/c no shuttles running. Took a long ass time & struggled little bit but managed to get it down. Went to COEX. Good shops, not enough time. Son Hoyoung fansigning + mini stage. Ate kbbq alone + did well even though scary. Home @ 11:30. 1:30 am sleep.

RICON was not held in Seoul, but rather in Goyang, which is a city about an hour away from Seoul. Kintex is the convention center, a massive two-structure building, with its own restaurants inside. To this day, I have spotted several shows / dramas / music videos that were filmed at Kintex as well. The Korean metro system is hands down my favorite part about Korea. It is very affordable, convenient, & easy to use once you get the hang of it. My team and I struggled a little bit at first because we were confused by the questionable red/green colors for some stops & routes, but I quickly realized it simply meant express versus “all-stop”. Myself and two others managed to go to the COEX Mall by metro, which was about a mile from our own apartment. One of my goals for Korea was to see a celebrity randomly, and it just so happened on our first full day! I was shopping in Aland with my friend when she suddenly ran up to me and said “Vanessa, Vanessa come look over here, come with me, there is someone singing outside!!”. We hurried outside, and there was Son Hoyoung, promoting his solo album with a mini fansigning event! After shopping, we wandered the streets of Gangnam once again, settling on a random bbq place for dinner. We were just 3 measly American high schoolers in a foreign country, but we ordered, ate, and paid for everything with ease. It was quite an exhilarating experience.

Day 3

Wake 6:45 am. Preconvention. Slow business. (BTW saw Music Works notice about Song yoo bin busking the night before --> day goal: leave & get to COEX by 6 pm) Talked to lotsa ppl. Managed to rush to shuttle station 9 @ 5 pm. Very late bus out of all 20 stations. Eventually wound up @ COEX at 7:20 pm w/ a very distraught heart. Went & finished COEX shopping. Struggled to eat stew at place w/o menu. Abdul + soju = dafuq is wrong w/ you; gtfo. 1:30 am sleep.

Ah yes, this day will go down as one of the most frustrating/ stressful/ depressing days I have ever experienced. RICON offers 20 different shuttle stations, each w/ their own buses & unique routes that run all throughout Seoul. The one that was crucial for me that day was Station 9, specifically at 5 pm. I remember stressing out the entire day about how we could get permission to leave early enough, which route to use, and simply making it to Song Yubin’s event with ease. And yes, I was able to successfully figure all that out throughout the day’s activities. It was just up to the bus to take us there. Unfortunately, although each station should have had buses running every 15 minutes starting from 5 pm & onward, Station 9′s bus was late to begin with. In fact, there was just one bus at first, but it filled quickly, and with only 3 seats left, we didn’t want to separate our group of 4, so we decided to wait for the next bus that would come in “5″ minutes. Those “5″ minutes trickled into the longest hour of my life. I remember standing in the burning sun, looking towards the end of the street the entire time, keeping my eyes peeled, standing on my tippie toes, my forehead sweating, my face twisting into distress as each minute passed. We finally made it onto the bus around 6:10. Yubin’s event started at 6. I remember falling asleep on the bus ride there, but waking up every ten minutes or so, just to see if we could still make it. By the time we walked out into COEX’s exhibition hall (the same one that Son Hoyoung was at the day before), it was completely empty. I didn’t cry because I wasn’t that petty, but.... I definitely felt extremely down. I had completely missed a once in a lifetime opportunity. To see one of my favorite, young & talented vocalists before he became popular and ventured into the kpop-idol scene. There was just some terrible kinda fate happening that day, in which the world just really didn’t want me to see him. For dinner, us 4 wandered around Gangnam again, but settled for something closer to our apt. It had no English menus nor pictures at all. And so once again (the other time would be the metro debacle), my handy dandy Korean-reading skills helped us out, and we barely managed to order various ... ingredients?? (only ones that I understood, though) that all went together in some sort of soup... To this day, I’m not really sure what we ate, but I remember it tasted delicious nonetheless.

Day 4

Same wake. Opening ceremony cool = k-tigers + Lena Park. Sleep-inducing speeches. Arrived back to booth @ 1 pm. Mango six yucky bubble tea. Left to Namsan. Actually used diff shuttle route + taxi to end up @ Namsan cable car. Went to tower. Managed to wander into Myeongdong. V cool. Metro home.

RICON officially begins! Lena Park performed and I was awestruck. At the convention, there are hundreds of different kind of volunteers, and some of them aid convention-goers with travels going to and from Kintex. We asked about getting to COEX the day before, and this time, we came back to ask about getting to Namsan, because my friend especially wanted to go there. I remember hearing the girls behind the table whisper about how we were just using them for our own personal, mini adventures, and I started to feel a bit embarrassed ahah. Regardless, the shuttle we took didn’t take us directly to the cable car site; we had to take a taxi after it dropped us off. I remember we struggled immensely with flagging it down and relaying our destination, but the driver thankfully understood perfectly, and took us right to the cable cars. From there, it was smooth sailing to the tower. It was very dreamlike, arriving at the top as the sun was setting, and leaving when the night had settled in completely. I remember taking a panoramic picture of the view, which I later used (and still use) as my facebook cover photo LOL. Wandering to Myeongdong was also quite the adventure, for we tried asking a civilian about “Myeongdong market” or something, but could not receive any helpful advice. If anything, I think we simply wandered farther into the city around Namsan, and *poof* there we stood in the middle of all the stores. And of course, we conveniently used the metro to make our way back home from there.

Day 5

6 am wake WTF?!?! Still left @ 7:30 anyway. V tired today. Kept falling asleep + lightheaded. Ate 떡볶이 & fell asleep disgustingly. Waited excruciatingly long for Nick to decide to go home. Left @ 5:30. Got back to station @ 7:15. Ate expensive bbq. 쌈 so good. Ate the snow w/ signatures like 정유미, 인순이, 박서준, 유아인 etc. 100% milk! Very nice lady :) . Gong cha jumbo. cool. Night @ 12 am for once.

By this time, the long days were getting to us, and we were thoroughly exhausted. However, dinner was quite fun, we ate with other convention-goers from the Bay Area as well. To this day, whenever I eat 쌈(ssam), it never compares to the kind I ate in Korea, and I have immediate withdrawals. And im not sure why i decided to write those names in Korean, but yes, the bingsoo place we stopped by had various signatures of celebs plastered around the walls, like Jung Yoo Mi, Insooni, Park Seo Joon, Yoo Ah In, and more. The “ice” was made of 100% milk, which was the entire shop’s selling point, & it was delish. Also, I, of course, had to get my pmt fix at the gong cha located near our apt. too.

Day 6

STOP waking us @ 6!!! Went about the usual day. Learned about fire w/ DC advisers :( . Ate frozen sticky dog for lunch. Fell asleep a lot still. Oliver felt much better: Myeongdong! The travel/transportation ladies seemed to dislike us so we managed to find proper shuttle. Shopped for a while. Felt rly sad that I couldn’t find good stuff for EZ. Going broke. Ate 김치 볶음밥! Yummy! w/ cheeseee. So full; couldn’t finish. Store ppl are scary. Very late. Everyone exhausted except for me. Got home 12:30. Slept 2:15. *written on the side* Gina lost her phone :( . 

Not a super eventful day, but we went back to Myeongdong again because we felt like we didn’t have enough time to fully explore the first time we were there. Once again, whenever I eat some form of kimchi fried rice here in the states, it never ever ever compares to the kind we had that night. Literally the best fried rice I ever had. Cheap and generously filled, too. Our team was dead tired by the night, as in they kept falling asleep on the subway LOL. Except I stayed alert, out of duty, amusement, and just pure excitement for another deep night in Seoul.

Day 7

Leftovers for breakfast. Very slow day @ convention. Left later than usual. Fell asleep @ booth a lot. Closing ceremony PSY, but everyone else was p lame. Ravi’s speech was very sleep-inducing; I’m sorry :( . Went to shuttle + left @ 8 pm. Ate super expensive dinner beef 한우 w/ M & N. They r weird. Service 짬뽕! But too spicy. Large Gong cha @ 10 pm; only 5 bucks left :( . But Nick paid for the pmt. Its 1:30 am rn but we gotta wake at 3 am b/c flight @ 7:30 am. I GOT MY PERIOD, FUCK!!!

And that, is how I ended my last log in Korea LOL. The leftovers for breakfast refer to the kimchi fried rice leftovers ahaha. Getting to see PSY was also pretty cool. I’m not sure why I said “beef 한우(hanwoo)“, but yes, it was quite expensive, where like 1 of the slabs of meat costed about 50,000 won! But this restaurant was also where I finally got to experience the concept of “service” in which they gave us free food :’) Also,I’m not sure why I said 5 bucks, but I meant 5,000 won ahaha. Having a flight late at night was quite exciting, for the Seoul nights were my favorite kind of memory overall. Or rather, they were all I really had since I spent all my days at RICON.

Welp, this ended up wayyyy longer than i anticipated, but it was honestly really refreshing to go over some memories that happened over a year ago. Although this trip was mainly for RICON, I had the amazing opportunity to delve into the culture that I had only seen countless times through a computer screen. As Oliver had said, we were volunteers by day, & tourists by night. I enjoyed my time more than I ever expected, and I have promised myself that I will go back. Soon.

Thank you, sk, for treating us so well.

[v-le]

Kmusic: Roy Kim - 개화기(Blooming Season) Album Review

Before the listen: Having to wait 1.5 years for a comeback was quite dampening on my heart, but it also built up a sufficient amount of excitement for just about any kind of new music Roy would release. Personally, I don’t prefer the bright, colorful spring vibes simply because it’s a little too preppy/happy for me. I’m definitely a sucker for the deeper and darker things. And so I came into this album with some caution. Regardless, the visuals & aesthetics leading up to its release were refreshing and did a great job of slightly filling my void of Roy Kim after all this time.

*Click each song title to have a listen ~

1. 이기주의보

The music video for this was nothing short of cute. This dorky side of Roy Kim fits well, because no one can be swoon-worthy 24/7, right? In terms of the song, it is quite possibly one of the pop-iest songs I’ve heard Roy ever pull off. But it worked perfectly. It managed to balance a great range of vocals and synthetic instrumentals. Favorite line: 

너란 행성 나란 별 그 사이 은하수처럼

You’re the planet, I’m the star; It’s like a galaxy is between us.

2. 예뻐서 그래

This song starts out softly, with acoustics and gentle singing. However, it picks up quickly. The sound effects in the background make me envision some sort of star shooting across a night sky. Everything feels very dreamlike and stunning. And the lyrics, literally make me feel like Roy is wooing me over to go on a trip somewhere in the distance. Favorite line:

우리 멀리 떠나자 아무도 없는 곳으로

Let’s go far away, to a place where nobody knows

3. 문득

Probably my favorite of the entire album, without surprise. Right from the start, the very first line tugs at my heartstrings effortlessly. “네가 문득 떠오르는 날엔” The song remains at nearly the same pace the entire way. No high notes. At first listen I could imagine how many could call it dull. But the message is simple. A sort of reminiscence. A past that, no matter how many times you think about, look back on, or regret, will never return to the way it was. Roy Kim sings of moving on as if it is beautiful & renewing as spring, but as heartbreaking & gloomy as cloudy weather, as shown in the MV itself. Pure art. The orchestral instrumentals as well, *takes a deep breath* wow. Definitely a stay-in-your-ears kind of song. Favorite line:

네가 문득 떠오르는 날엔

On the day I suddenly think of you

4. 근데 넌

Dare I say, but an almost pop ballad? The chorus is certainly different and almost gospel-like. It was intriguing & definitely caught me off guard. But it didn’t fail to exude that same ethereal feeling that nearly all the songs in this album encompass. Favorite line:

우린 다시 헤어질 이유를 찾고 있겠지

We’re looking for reasons to break up again

5. 상상해봤니

This may be my least favorite of the album, not to say it was bad. I feel like if one is going to pull off a ballad, it’s important to give it some sort of impact, or flow-y feel. This song lacked both of those, but I can still feel his emotions emanating from the song nonetheless. Favorite line:

상상해봤니 더 어렸을 때 만났더라면 

Have you ever imagined, if we met when we were younger..

6. Heaven (Solo Ver.)

I will never forget feeling annoyed at all those pesky comments on the original Goblin OST MV saying that they only wanted to hear Roy’s voice & that Kim EZ didn’t fit. As much as I love him, too, that duo was one that I could only dream of in another universe before it actually happened. Finally though, those people can get their wish. This version definitely allows his soft vocals to shine. There are those few parts in the song where you can just feel the raw emotion. Gorgeous as ever. Favorite line:

Heaven is in your eyes. Heaven is in your sound.

Overall rating: 7/10. A tough number, considering my immense love for Roy Kim and his music. However, nothing particularly stood out to me with this release. There was no song that overwhelmed me. Which is what Roy is usually really good at doing. Although, there are certainly some moments in several tracks where I can feel time stop & the lyrics create another feeling of their own. One word: ethereal.

[v-le]

NU’EST IN PRODUCE 101: Afterthoughts

Please check out my original post from the beginning of the season.

Welp. It took me a while to finally get around to watching the finale of this whirlwind of a season, but I did it! Going back to where my entire discussion came from, let us talk NU’EST.

Throughout the season, these boys have made me feel extremely proud. Admittedly, they had a rocky start, but their presence as the “hyungs” in this medley of trainees grew prominent and was well established by the middle of the season.

Notable achievements/moments vary from Jonghyun reaching 1st place in the season’s latter half, Dongho being renowned as “Sexy Bandit”, Seonho from CUBE & Minhyun’s budding relationship, and Minki’s countless hair color changes AHA.

Personal fave moments:

I legit started bawling during Jonhyun’s rap in Fear.

Dongho’s iconic Boy in Luv intro dance.

When the Super Hot members were choosing a center, after Minki tries his turn, Daehwi legit just starts seal clapping and yells “LADY GAGA!!” LOL.

Dongho + Daehwi interactions.

Dongho’s also iconic “wau megaton baumb”

Minki as captain bunny.

Each time a fellow trainee swooned over how good looking Minhyun is.

Dongho channeling his inner variety-dol skills & winning the punching king thingy by 1 point ahaha.

MINHYUN’S ICONIC AUDITION DANCE o lord that booty shake tho.

And honestly... Dongho’s performance in Open Up completely blew me away. He did sooooo well as the main vocalist, and I prayed to the heavens for him to be first in the concept evaluation and finally have his chance at stardom like he deserves, but.... sigh.

One thing that I found particularly intriguing throughout the program was Minki’s very real lack of popularity in comparison to the other members, when during actual NU’EST promos, he always seemed to the most popular and talked about. During these weeks on p101, not only was he always several ranks below the rest of them, but I also felt like he was never properly given the chance to showcase his skills and personality. I know for a fact that he has great vocal potential, and his flamboyant attitude, is well, just something else. A hidden gem that we never really got to see. I would consider Minki’s minimal presence one of the most regrettable things that happened for NU’EST this season.

However, of course, Minki’s lackluster performance is only second to the real atrophy that befell in the finale. Jonghyun’s final 14th place ranking. and Dongho’s 13th. I think many of us went into the finale having hope for Dongho, but not necessarily expectation, since his popularity fluctuated countless times.

But Jonghyun’s letdown was unimaginable.

Yes, it is true, Jonghyun, the leader of each and every single group he was ever a part of in Produce 101, the #1 ranked rapper in the position evaluation, the one who always selflessly gave himself shit lines so that the others could have more screentime and time to shine, the guy who took responsibility for others’ laziness and lack of skill, the man who placed first in week 7 and rose above even the most popular of popular members, placed 14th in the end. Not even 12th. Just 14. If that isn’t betrayal to a heart & soul that gave away all their might, I don’t know what is.

I watched BoA’s face as she read the card. I saw her mixed expression of pain, confusion, and disappointment. When his name was called, I could feel my face go numb and my heart stop just for a little bit. I could feel tears welling, but nothing fell. I watched on. It was as if the entire crowd gasped in unison. Cheetah, Seokhoon, and Yumi were clearly taken aback, their mouths hanging open. Fellow Pledis artists Nayoung & Kyulkyung were in absolute shock, dropping their heads and looking dejected.

And Jonghyun simply stood there, continuously clapping, with a smile on his face. Nothing more. Just a genuine smile. literally the most selfless bastard i have ever seen, and it hurts.

Remember everyone’s faces. Remember Jonghyun’s face. Remember the feeling you felt. And transfer that immense ball of emotions into hope for NU’EST’s future.

To be completely honest, Jonghyun not being a part of the top 11 has been tearing me up inside. It hurts to think of how much he has given up, how authentic his talent, dedication, and compassion was. It hurts to think how all of that still doesn’t give you enough fan power to make it through. Before I delve into all the positives that this implies for NU’EST, and while all points are valid, I want to make it clear that it doesn’t mean that this blow will continue to sting any less.

However, it is true, that Jonghyun’s, and Dongho’s & Minki’s, missing out on participation in Wanna One will only boost NU’EST to greater heights than ever before. Or at least that’s what I hope. One can only wish, right? Now that everyone has watched them grow through this show, I am almost certain that there is an ever larger following of support behind NU’EST than before. The fact that “여보세요(Hello)” is charting better than the P101 songs themselves speaks volumes. I haven’t seen a soul on the internet that doesn’t agree that Jonghyun should have been in the top 11. A NU’EST comeback is already in preparation.

And so, with this bittersweet renewal of NU’EST, once again, all I can say is that we must shower these boys with love. We saw why they came onto P101. We saw what happened in the end. And now, it is our turn to help them reach that level of success that they have been so desperately chasing for all these years.

Which, may I add, will forever be a vague and incomprehensible concept to me, because I never once saw them as failures either. It not only drove me crazy, but also confused me, when they kept calling themselves this. I don’t care about sales or numbers, because that isn’t my definition of success or failure. The fact that these boys are alive and whole, still doing music, is already success in itself. But of course, kpop only comes down to the money at the end of the day....

It hurts even more to think that NU’EST won’t be a whole group for the next 1.5 years, but I only hope for happiness. A 4-member NU’EST is better than no NU’EST at all. I will gladly wait, for the day when we can see all five of them on stage together once again.

And congrats! To Minhyun, for proudly being the sole representative of NU’EST in Wanna One. Thank you NU’EST, for your outstanding performance on P101. 꽃길만 걸어.

If there is one last thing I can leave with you all as I wrap up my box of feelings for this season, just always remember.

NU’EST deserves the world.

[v-le]

Kdrama: Tomorrow With You Review

Forewarning: There are moments within this review in which I sort of abandon any sense of professionalism, oops. Enjoy! *images to be added soon.

The OTP

Same age in real life omg I've never seen a pair so perfect.

NO SECOND LEADS. I absolutely love it when the focus is only on the mains, with no pointless distractions or love triangles that go no where. I love it. i rly do

cute cute cute cute times a million

They honestly looked like a legitimate couple, I feel like I could spot several moments when they even broke through their actual characters and ad-libbed it out or something

Many people were also complaining about how slow (I assume they meant relationship progression???) it was, and got annoyed over their "back-and-forth-ness"?? honest to god, yes they were so beautiful that I barely noticed it. But also, it was so logical to me, the process they went through in which they lied to each other & then failed to communicate until later. Like, it didn’t piss me off because it made sense...? I didn’t see anything wrong with it? It went a little like: 

Yoo So-joon hits on her because he knows how they’re connected by death.

He tries to shake her off, but realizes who she really is (a fellow survivor).

He becomes interested again.

THEY FCKING GET MARRIED in FCKING EP 4 IF THAT IS SLOW TO U, THEN STFU AND GTFO

He obvi don’t love her fully, but she’s already heads over heels

She feels suspicious af and he doesn’t tell her stuff (that even his friends know). And he gets angry easily while he tries to protect his ppl, but keeps his secret hidden.

She got sick and he pulls off his romantic but materialistic resolution.

He opens up to her a little bit more and they cry it out.

He makes a wrong move again and then is basically forced to reveal his secret.

She’s like what the actual fuck is wrong with you, but comes to terms with it.

They get closer, but she feels empty because she rly don’t know much about him and he is as careless as ever.

Her heart breaks over the reality of him disappearing so easily.

So-joon is slowly realizing the future that’s in store for them.

Tries to call it quits and play noble idiot, but she won’t take his fake, snarky ass.

So they make up and he really really really realizes that he must change the future, no matter what. He has nothing left for her him but her.

He tries hard. but doesn’t try hard enough.

By the time he disappears & she waits for two years, they are basically one heart.

By the time they reunite they are the cutest couple in the world.

I think a big issue people had with So-joon’s character was that "he didn’t love her" when they got married, but I think that wording is extremely misleading and not entirely accurate. Yes, I don’t think that at that point he could say "I love you" to her with sincerity, but it’s not like he flat out was disgusted by her or hated her…?? It was more like, he was not fully aware of what he was getting himself into, by getting married. Not just to her, but the concept of marriage and the commitments that come with it in the first place. That was what he was not on board with, which is how he may have come off as indifferent. But we all knew that Song Ma-rin would change him for the better because the ones with flawed intuition always get taught a good lesson or two from their loved ones.

DO U KNOW how MaNY times he was shirtless WITh HEr?????

I swear I think I counted properly, but they kissed like 9+ times and probably hugged like 15+ times like omfg I’m pretty sure that is a record

Can I also just mention that for me, when a couple wipes each other's tears, like when one of them actually takes their fingers and smushes the falling teardrops, that is just game set. To me, that solidifies their relationship as one where 1) they aren’t embarrassed to cry in front of each other 2) they care enough to show tender affection for each other 3) they sympathize together. And that is exactly what they did. MORE THAN ONCE excuse me.

The Plot

A lot of people complained about the various flaws within the actions of the characters and the mechanics of time-travelling. Honestly… like I mentioned earlier, since the OTP was so convincing to me, the holes in logic kinda flew past my head. Like, I didn’t dissect them too deeply because I was so distracted, or I just didn’t bother

Don’t you see that their progression only felt natural?? You start out with one side that is overconfident about the commitment as if he’s strolling through a park while the other is lovestruck, but always smart enough to know when bullshit is going on, and is never afraid to call the other out for it. It only took a matter of time for them to find real and genuine appreciation for each other, and it was worth it.

"WTF were you thinking moments" & justification:

So-joon letting Song Ma-rin go home by herself while Kim Young-jin was still lurking. Ok I have no solution to this like you honestly....DID YOU NOT LEARN FROM AHJUSSHI THAT YOU BASICALLY GOTTA STICK TO THE PERSON LIKE GUM IF YOU WANT THEM TO BE SAFE?? U HAVE TO HAVE THEM IN UR SIGHTS AT ALL TIMES.

So-joon getting onto subway and ultimately getting stabbed. Ok, he even said himself that he wanted to catch him with his own hands because if he doesn’t now, he'll get away and who knows how much more havoc he could wreak? The police would do no good being there blatantly, and so he had to hold out since he was the bait anyway. He just should’ve been smarter with defense, like c’mon man let’s not get cocky with your fighting skills now.

So-joon letting her run onto the street. Ok yes, he def should’ve reacted faster and realized what kinda danger she would be in after being aware of it for like 2 years aiya. But I assume it was a spur-of-the-moment, blinded happiness kinda thing. They were cute af and they were happy and like who really thinks that hard y’know???

So-joon just bracing himself and Ma-rin for the car crash. He was facing their deaths, I assume. Yes, they could’ve just jumped out of the way, but at the same time, he had already mentioned that he just wanted to enjoy the small moments they have together, instead of always trying to cheat and change fate. If they were meant to die in that moment, he was going to take it as is. (which is lightweight greedy bc wb marin???? but whateves lol).

I really do think that the story-line was extremely tightly woven to begin with. Even up until episode 16, we saw scenes from episode 1, and vice versa; everything fell into place perfectly and the details were down to each minute of their lives. Everything was very clearly thought out and i felt like they picked and pulled at certain pieces at the proper times and revealed others at the most crucial of times, too. Props to the writing team for creating such a complex & dynamic web of characters and events that spanned nearly 3 decades.

The Cinematography

Stunnnningggggg. Especially that iconic moment in episode 1 when he pulled her out of the path of an oncoming truck and talked to her for the first time, like the way the sunlight was hitting the camera, it was just something else I swear.

Overall, the colors were warm and fluffy, but the future def always looked more bleak and dry and dark.  Beautiful dualism with a strong impact.

Also can I just mention that when So-joon disappears, it’s also very mystifying, the fast wisps are quite a touch.

Also ngl the couple themself was extremely aesthetic; like they are both very attractive people & when attractive people cuddle a part of you kinda just dies inside, y’know??

The Emotions

Ok I admit that my reactions were probably overboard because I was so attached

but straight up this is the kind of drama my heart was searching for.

I always love it so so so so much, (although realistically speaking, it’s only fantasy ones that can pull this off w/o it being some noble idiocy shit) when the force that is keeping a couple apart is a force that is greater than themselves. It’s more than them just choosing to not be together. It’s them wanting so desperately to be together, but circumstances, in the best kind, life and death ones, prevent them from doing so. The reason I like these kind of situations so much is seriously because that’s where all the love comes out. The pain of love.

It was so so so soooooo excruciatingly painful to watch So-joon and Ma-rin's future unfold the exact way he saw it would. It tore me to pieces because I could feel Ki-doong's hopelessness from losing his best friend to a murderer, Ma-rin's deathly painful heartbreak from simply NOT knowing what in the world is going on or what will happen (and for her dad to tell her to move on), but just having to wait, and So-joon's very own inability to fix it all. Oh dear lord watching him visit her grave in the future where she no longer exists, that shattered my sanity because it hurt so much.

I literally cried in the smallest of moments. When he disappeared in front of her eyes, I burst into tears along with her because her crying was so beautiful (yes, actually tho), but at the same time, I felt it deep down inside. It felt trivial, to cry over that one moment, but it also meant so much more than that. It represented a real fear of losing your loved one, and o dear lord i can’t.

Like I said, the heartbreak was everything I’ve been wanting. It felt so raw. In those moments where even he cried because he was so scared for the future (after eating in the tent with ahjusshi, calling ahjusshi on the phone in the cafe, reading her letters sent to him from her past self), knowing how much was on the line, and how much he just wanted it to be okay, it hurt so much because I had so much hope along with him. I honestly didn’t expect them to allow their future to play out the exact way he saw it; I rly thought that they’d pull some plot twists because that’s what dramas do......... and so when everything really did unfold painfully, my heart was unprepared and it tore apart. Even though I knew that they would be together in the end no matter what, I didn’t know how, and everything still hurt like fking crazy.

I know a drama does it right when I can feel the pain physically in my own chest. When it suddenly feels so heavy and ache-y that I kinda wanna give up in life a little bit. That's when a drama pulled the right strings & carved a good-sized void in my heart.

The Special Connections

I, tbh only decided to watch this because I found out that Kim Feel, my eternally favorite musician, sang an OST for it, and I was feeling extra down from his military enlistment. What a beautiful gem he brought me to. When his voice played at the still frames in the ends of some episodes, my heart filled with this indescribable sort of happiness and longing.

The "seoul station" that So-joon refers to is actually called Si-cheong station, one I manage to catch a geofilter for back when I was in Korea!!!!!!!!!!! It was an exciting discovery, to find out that the exact route So-joon takes back and forth is one that I have traveled on myself.

Idk if this really has to do with anything, but the director also directed Oh My Ghostess and King of High School, so everyone kept saying that this drama would be a rom com BUT BOY WAS THAT SHIT DARK AS F*CK IDK WHAT Y’ALL HAD IN MIND BUT like, no no, no, that was nowhere close to the other 2 dramas he made. It was a beautiful change of atmosphere nonetheless.

The Message

The fact that Ma-rin is a photographer speaks volumes. For a man who is infatuated with the future and has lost focus of the present, just one photograph can speak volumes. A photograph captures the present and instills a moment in time. For Marin, this is what her life's work depended on; this is what she lived by. Capturing the present and cherishing individual seconds in time. And for So-joon, this is exactly the kind of person he needed to save him from himself and his future selves. So so so beautifully laid out.

Even just the ending line: "today". Like akjfkjdagkahkgdhlanjak, if you don’t get the message from this then you are just... idk wtf you’ve been watching LOL. Granted, the drama is called "Tomorrow With You", but clearly that is not what they are tryna get at. That was the theme throughout the entirety of the drama with So-joon being an apprehensive wuss, but the reality of it is to face the present, and live for a today with you. Love love love <3

Favorite Moments

When he asks "So... do you like me?" and she replies "Was there ever a time when I didn't????" LIKE IDK something about the trivial-ness of both statements yet how deep they hit home.... like obviously, they like each other or else they wouldn’t have gotten so far. But the fact that he had a need to reiterate that, and the fact that she was like "dude have I not made myself clear how much I like u" like that is just so adorably cute and squishy goals to me omggg.

When she sniffs him as they walk home from dinner and giggles and says "Hehehe husband smell" OMG WHY R THEY SO FREAKING CUTE I JUST--.

When he disappeared right before her eyes, it shattered everything in me.

When he grabbed her and saved her from the accident, it was one 2-sec move that altered entire lifetimes, for better or for worse. It was beautifully shot, despite it being an extremely cliche move. It’s okay. It was gorgeous and it’s def my favorite wrist grab to date LOL.

When he started crying because he saw the car accident on the news and he legit was dropping tears, but she laughed it off and hugged him and her smile was so sweet and innocent but he’s legit in agony and it was just so cute and heartbreaking at the same time LIKE HONESTLY that phrase is what describes this drama in a nutshell. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Despite its flaws, this drama was honestly what I’ve been looking for so so so long. It’s definitely not my number 1 because there were things it could’ve done better, and each episode did not stand out like a number 1 drama should have, but it definitely tore me to pieces, out of joy AND despair. I loved it to bits and I will never forget this gorgeous couple and their journey that transcended time.