#listen its still not a perfect explanation but it does give me some level of delight
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the-stars-are-warring · 1 month ago
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I have a particular type of issue when writing fic that I have a very hard time directly contradicting canon without an explanation and the consequence of that is that I'm like "I know Vader snapped Fox's neck in that one comic but it is technically possible to both survive a broken neck and survive a broken neck without paralysis though it will likely never give you full range of motion again." And thus the utterly absurd detail of my Fox lives headcanon is that Fox lives but also has Batman neck for the rest of his life.
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stained-glass-cicada · 24 days ago
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okay so heres the over explanation I promised <3
some songs are on two charater's playlists bc its about both of them
SAYER's list:
The Fox the crow and the cookie- Fairytale format, sayer is the fox ocean is the crow, like technically the fox loses but the crow's pride causes it to lose what it worked for
Nunemaker's parable- sayer and hale in the bleak nanite times
perfect nothing- its fear of becoming obsolete
Istanbul not Constantinople- it loves giving a good history
Under My Skin by jukebox the ghost- Nanites!
Viva la vida- King robbed of power
Clair de lune- spacy? soothing piano, it just feels like sayer to me
ship of thesseus- Yknow
the watchtower- it feels most comfortable in its metaphorical panopticon
Never Love An Anchor- episode 83 twin voices
this too shall pass- fable about hard times passing and the nature of change and containing multitudes
sicilian crest- sayer planning and manipulating itself into a position of power again, I'll be real, y'all would need to see the animatic in my head for this one
Give a little- "Be kind, be patient, be hard to please. It seems contradicting, but do it honestly. Just give a little, give a little, give a little, give a little Until you disintegrate"
Fitter Happier- it genuinely does try to take care of the residents who make it past tier one
1816 the year without a summer- IT LOVES TO GIVE A HISTORY
Hale's list: Fun fact in my mind this was WAY less romantic than it turned out to be, Forgot to interpret the romantic songs romantically, this is incredibly sayerhale huh?
Mrs. Bluebeard- floor thirteen hale
Homebody Modifications- little dissociation energy, weird relationship to home and physicality
Honeybee- Okay this one Was intended as sayerhale :3
Surrounded- "let me die surrounded by machines"
Real boy- He does not Feel Like A Real Boy
A Complete List of Fears Ages 5-28 (approx.)- he's so so scared and has only sayer as anchor. I Forgot This Song is Romantic oops
A Human's touch- @koszmarnybudyn showed me this one for hale and oh my Gosh. This man does Not Feel like A Person
Nunemaker's Parable- He shares this one with sayer :)
Jack- His dynamic with future!
(How To: Initiate Conversation)- He's not got memory of how to make friends
Ship of thesseus- he share's this one with sayer too, I listened to so many ships of thesseus to find one that reminded me of both of them
Bleed Out- Sayer just keeps scraping this man off the pavement and he's SO Tired
I've got you under my skin by frank Sinatra- Mirrors under my skin on sayer's with a different song because I feel like he feels a little differently about nanite time than it does
Body Terror Song- Post Dissociative Amnesia incident song!
Puppet Boy- yeah you get it, its there on the tin
Ocean list- my favorite tbh
Time is up- Its gonna end that stupid ball of dirt
Blue- vidarr-1 trip, knowing it will have to return
Digital Girl- Oh my god it wants to be a physical being so it can't be deleted D: also miku! :]
alone in space.- baptized in null
Software Upgrade- humanity need to evolve and its too cute to paitently wait
Anonymous M- @kamil-a suggested this one and it really fit with the aesthetics also miku :]
You should see me in a crown- sometimes ocean can just have a cool moment
The fox the crow and the cookie- shared with sayer, "your subtle acclamation's true best to give praise where praise it due" is so oceanvoice its crazy
Interlude 2- the silence other than mechanical beeps and a low hum, vidarr-1 before it woke up captain Ingraham
My little Universe- it realizing it can take control
Oh no!- having a cool fun poppy moment until it admits it feels like it's the worst so it acts like it's the best
Yes & No- it's not quite human and not just a chained entity, it's got the most complicated self esteem issue
Eeeaaaooo- gonna b real with yall I thought this was instrumental. I still like it tho and it's not moving despite the lyrics having nothing to do with it.
Next Level- it's simply better than you (affirmations)
Dreamscape- it can do anything it wants, it swears, it's not just barely being tolerated
SPEAKER list- it is kinda giving parentified eldest child rage and I dont know how or why
Gravedigger- horrified by the arc of its life
The Breach- its Incredibly efficient
Hollow- I do not think it is okay
Only Human- it, despite its niceness, is not treated like an equal, but!! It stays helpful!
Loud mouth- ocean would really like it to 'learn its place'
Just Be Competent- if you are very very good at your job they wont kill you again (affirmations)
Browser History- light, bouncy, fun, but stuttering over these longer lower tones
Moonsickness- it genuinely has more moving pieces to deal with than sayer and its life depends on performing Perfectly lest the just bring Sayer back down, it hates the system
Streaks- its Boundaries are So Narrow.
Artificial Heart- I Do Not Think It Is Ok.
Rat- it knows Aerolith doesnt have Anyone's best interests at heart, it wanted so badly to do well, it believed the marketing materials
Robotkisses.Temp- just good speaker vibes
Feed the Machine- hi! It doesn't feel good about the 2 cataclysm
Honeywell- it needs to be useful, it needs to prepare these beings for Sayer who won't give them the grace it will
Nice Vs. Kind- it is nice! It has condemned so many to death :) please tell it if your going to deactivate it please stop keeping it on edge :))
Sayer Playlists!
SAYER's list: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1JrJasOPenyEWK5gU2mrYO?si=O74IbkeiTB2I6PUfUHrjpg
Jacob Hale/Sven Goreson's list: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6n0d71PGr8NXTWlFSqM3mI?si=OfAUcbhBRiW0hyMJlqh6Kg
SPEAKER's list: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3pq5vmTOmgqjTFOtnG5D2K?si=UBN3ws5UQKeUjPY1mYiHnA
OCEAN's list: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/18b9wvlgNkQb7hkzm4cjKr?si=zWyBzpQrRLCESZmjh2CZNQ
FUTURE's list: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1gqPr06OcKGez9nplPqAZ3?si=HI6_f2LXRjmSvu1gJ5-Jww
@ghostisredacted and @resident44776 y'all were asking about the lists :]
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sunlightandsuffering · 3 years ago
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Corruption au Eren cockwarms mikasa once they’re together, he says ‘it helps him remember things’ and then every so often he gives her an orgasm just to keep her pliant against him while she plays with her boobs, he doesn’t do it in a cruel kind of way, it just he wants to pleasure her while doing his work
however when they’re not together, he’s such a sadist about it, he refuses to let her come even after he’s done his hw and is just fucking her, he always leaves when he’s done. Until one day when he starts feeling bad, he lets her come and it absolutely ruins him, he becomes obsessed with pleasuring her and seeing her face flushed pink, and hearing the needy sounds she makes and the quiet sighs, and the way her hands frantically move around until he Holds them together
STOP U GUYS KNOW ABOUT MY COCKWARMING OBSESSION STOP IT 😂😂 omg bless corruption Eren tho, this is my favourite kink for him, its so hot and it fits their situation perfectly.
It starts slow for Eren, to be honest he has no fucking idea when it really started. One day he'd been failing calculus, accepting he wasn't going to pass the year and thinking about maybe dealing drugs as a career path over his previous dreams of doctor. The next he was being forced to study three days out of the week with high school princess, Mikasa Ackerman.
At first he'd hated it, hated her really. He'd never been able to stand her, not since they were little and she'd chosen the dark side of Historia Reiss, bully and mean girl if there ever was one. Historia had sweet innocent baby Mikasa under her thumb. Mikasa followed her around like a dumb fucking puppy and Eren hated followers, they were all the same, no personalities, no aspirations of their own. She had no backbone either. She let all the shit Historia did slide, all the bullying, the holier than thou attitude because her family was richer than god. So very typical of the rich kids from the upper class neighbourhood. Eren would know, he used to be that rich kid, used to live that life. That was until his parents died in a brutal car accident, Zeke had inherited half the estate on the condition he'd take care of Eren and the rest was tied up in Eren's trust fund until he was twenty one.
Big surprise, no one had taken care of Eren and he was fucking lucky Armin and his grandpa had been there to help him out.
Everyone else, all his other 'friends' had given him the cold shoulder upon finding out he was no longer rich for the moment, he'd been dropped like a hot potato. So Eren's hatred of the upper class of Shiganshina had begun.
And Mikasa Ackerman was the pinnacle of it all, the worst the rich had to offer. She was beautiful, smart, loaded, had every opportunity in life, completely innocent and sweet, and the cherry on top of it all she volunteered on the weekend at the pound.
She disgusted him, so prim and proper and all around good girl while she was letting her 'friends' bully him for being poor, watching the injustice happen like a fish in a bowl.
He couldn't fucking stand her.
Of course, she would be the person who ended up tutoring him though, Principal Erwin mandating it if he wanted to graduate. So here he was sitting in the computer lab at five on a Wednesday watching her plump lips move as she explained integrals to him for the third time in an hour.
It's been a few months since they've started this little arrangement and he's gotten used to her presence. He wouldn't say he likes her, thats a stretch but he's not quite as cruel as he once was. He'd be lying if he said he didn't get a kick of watching that beautiful mouth part every time he does something mean though, those little gasps when he pinches her thigh or touches her where he shouldn't.
It's probably the highlight of these sessions.
Today he's feeling bold, maybe he'll push his luck. After all, he's done it before and she's never protested. For some reason or another Mikasa Ackerman has a soft spot for him, and no matter how mean, she lets him get away with murder. "Miki, come here I can't hear you properly." "And then you take the-what?" She looks up, pretty dove-grey eyes wide, sparkling as she explains her favourite subject, fucking math.
"You heard me, get over here." As usual, she takes orders so fucking well, it brings out the absolute worst in him. She's standing up and next to him in seconds and he's eye level with her perfect chest, those tits he dreams about every night, ripping her bra off with his teeth and sucking at those pretty pink nipples of hers. He's only seen them a few times, when he convinces her it's okay, when he's sure there's absolutely no one around, but they keep him awake at night. He pats his lap, grinning as she goes easily, settling into her favourite spot, he knows she loves it just as much as he does. Her thighs always shake and she shudders as his hands find their place cupping those beautiful creamy thighs, head tucked into her shoulder.
Mikasa starts talking again, beautiful lilt soothing him as she launches into a renewed explanation of integrals while his hands move up, up, up and to his absolute favourite spot, her panties. Today she's wearing cotton, he can feel it, must be laundry day and he kisses her shoulder as he feels how wet she is. Fucking perfect.
Lately she's been more partial to fancier underwear and he can't help but wonder if it's for him. He has a feeling it is, because the first month of their little arrangement he'd snuck as many peaks as they could and it was always pink or white cotton with polka dots and pretty bows. They were his favourite, so fucking innocent, so untouched by anyone but him.
He watches as she moves her pencil drawing lines and numbers, a little bit of the alphabet too and he ignores it all in favour of watching her chest, her breath hitch as he slides a finger inside her panties, feeling those velvet lips, it's been a while.
He's been on his best behaviour lately since Levi almost caught them at her house that one time, but he's horny and she's wet and he misses being inside her, misses watching her try to talk through him fucking her, how her voice would waver, change pitch. How many times she'd stumble through her sentences, have to start all over again, because she can't handle how big he is, doesn't know how to deal with the all-consuming sensation of him fucking deep within her walls, just sitting there filling her right up to her cervix.
Fuck.
He can't really be blamed for what he does next, and besides it doesn't matter, Eren's not a stupid kid, he allowed himself to get this far behind in calculus. He'd spent an hour last night going over integrals with the sole purpose of knowing what was going on today so he could fuck with his favourite toy.
He moves her a bit so she's resting more heavily on one thigh and slides his joggers and boxers down just enough expose his heavy cock to the air, already rock hard and waiting. Mikasa gasps a little bit, a breathy sound quick and sharp as she sees him, her eyes transfixed on his dick and he grins, sliding her panties to the side and slamming her down on him before she even knows what hit her. The slide is so fucking easy too, it takes almost nothing and he gets a sick sense of satisfaction that even with little to no prep she can take him, probably better than anyone else he's ever fucked. She takes it all no complaints, as deep as she can and he bottoms out.
She lets out a long moan, that pretty sound he wants to record and listen to on his phone over and over again, her head lolling back uselessly against his shoulder as she takes in the sensation.
"Miki baby you know this helps me remember better right, sorry it just wasn't getting through my head I was too distracted, but now I'm all ears, why don't you continue. What's that rule you were talking about, how are derivatives and integrals related again baby, they're opposites?"
She's breathing quick and Eren doesn't blame her, he's struggling to keep his tone level as her walls squeeze him, warm and soft and he wants to stay buried there forever, she's so fucking tight.
"I-Eren-I-yeah, opposites," she finally manages to get the last word out ending a little broken as she struggles to sit up and make herself comfortable on his cock, she should be used to it by now with how often he does this, but it never fails she always reacts like she's taking him for the first time all over again. He fucking loves it.
"Why don't you explain again baby, I don't think I really understand? And make sure you're clear Mikasa." She nods, still squirming around, every movement shooting electricity up through both of them as she accidentally grinds down, she lets out an involuntary moan and Eren smirks.
Eren takes it upon himself to move her up and off his cock a few inches before impaling her back down, biting down on her neck a little bit as punishment and she whines, teeth coming out to bite down on her lip brutally as she tries to keep quiet.
"Stop moving baby, you're distracting me, just take my cock like a good girl and explain for me yeah?" She replies brokenly her voice soft and struggling with her breaths, "Yeah."
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canary3d-obsessed · 4 years ago
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Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 14 first part
(RR The Untamed Masterpost) (Canary’s Pinboard - more Masterposts) 
Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!
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Murder Turtle, Continued
Lan Wangji wakes up after a good night's sleep leaning against a rock wall, to find that his leg is no longer splinted, and his perfectly clean and unbloody headband has been put back on his head while he was sleeping.
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Leaving aside the "not waking up" part of things, how, exactly, did Wei Wuxian get his headband on without mussing his hair? Did he bring a crochet hook?
Wei Wuxian gives him a sitrep and then they cozy up and have an extended conversation about the nature and history of the Tortoise of Slaughter. Wei Wuxian is interested in everything Lan Wangji has to say, and Lan Wangji talks a lot more than usual; they are completely on the same wavelength here and are enjoying swapping obscure knowledge.
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Lan Wangji: My lacerated leg and I are actually super aware that it has big teeth, but thanks for the reminder.
In the course of the conversation, Wei Wuxian mentions his plan to 1. sneak into the tortoise's shell and 2. drive it out of its shell so they can attack it. 
OP did a little tortoise research and learned that the only species of turtle that can leave its shell is the Koopa Troopa.
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Good news for Wei Wuxian: If you jump on its shell in the right spot, you can rack up a pile of extra lives.
Does that make the Tortoise of Slaughter a giant Koopa Troopa? Perhaps...the king of the Koopa Troopas?
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I'm gonna say yes.
(More after the cut)
Let’s Go Killing
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Wei Wuxian is exhilarated by the idea of fighting a giant dangerous monster with Lan Wangji. Some day Wei Wuxian will found the Nike clan, because his motto is definitely "Just do it." 
It's sweet how, in his romantic notions about chivalry and Lan Wangji, he's completely elided the original reason they were (sort of) told to venture together. 
Wei Wuxian: I'm still on the "find the Yin Iron" quest; I'm just skipping the "suppress it" part.  
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Wei Wuxian weighs up their chances against Bowser and tells Lan Wangji that even if they die, it will be badass to be killed by a famous monster, so they won't have to feel embarrassed.
This is the exact moment that Lan Wangji's feelings for Wei Wuxian go from "smitten" to "gagging for it."
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Lan Wangji: as soon as we get out of here I'm going to borrow a whole lot of books from Nie Huaisang
The boys come up with a plan that involves a rather long montage of collecting archery equipment and deconstructing it. This potentially-dull montage is fun to watch because they are both very, very good looking.
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Artists who want to draw Wang Yibo as an elven archer, this is your episode.
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Now we suddenly have, with zero explanation, telepathy. Ok, sure. It seems to work kind of like a phone conversation, in which they say specific things to each other, rather than like Cherry Magic telepathy where you can hear everything the other person is thinking. Or at least, neither of them is embarrassed, so I assume they are maintaining some mental privacy.
Club Ruohan
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Same, Wen Chao, same
At some point there is a boring sequence at Club Ruohan.  Wen Ruohan doesn't know where Xue Yang is, but really wants his hunk of Yin Iron. Wen Chao thinks that WRH's 3 pieces of Yin Iron should be able to beat Xue Yang's 1 piece, but apparently he is dumb and that is not how math works. O...kay? OP does not understand this either but whatever, Wen Ruohan is boring, moving on. This scene is really just here to make us think about Yin Iron before Wei Wuxian jumps into Bowser's shell.
Bigger On The Inside
So then Wei Wuxian climbs into Bowser's shell, which is, to quote The 12th Doctor, bigger on the inside.
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Bowser’s shell is the approximate size of my entire house. It is also bathed in a hellish pure red photo filter, which OP has done her best to remove for these gifs, because it gives me eye strain and it obscures Xiao Zhan's hotness.
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Camera Operator: What did I do? 
Wei Wuxian wanders around inside, finding random corpses encased in slime cocoons. Tortoise, spider, xenomorph, whatever. There are also random curtain things hanging all over, and then at one point Wei Wuxian stares into the face of a corpse, and then does a jump scare response at the camera operator even though nothing particular happened. 
I imagine the corpse was supposed to open its eyes and say "killl meeee" but it got censored. He also makes about 8 other faces at the camera operator, so we get that the inside of this TARDIS-like tortoise shell (must...resist...temptation...to...say...TORDIS) is yucky.
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Lan Wangji waits outside listening to Wei Wuxian telepathically complain about the smell.  He is anxiously clenching a bundle of string and an arrow, and wishing he could clench Wei Wuxian Bichen instead.
Serendipitous Yin Iron
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Wei Wuxian backs his way through the TORDIS until his butt bumps into a sword that is steaming with resentful energy. That's right: Wei Wuxian is about to pull a piece of Yin Iron almost literally out of his ass.
He grabs it and is overwhelmed by its screaming resentful energy and has to let it go again.
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So this is what a vibrator with 4 batteries feels like
When Bowser comes looking for him, however, he quickly decides to go for it, grabbing the sword and singing "I've Got the Power (Gonna Make You Sweat)"
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Wei Wuxian plunges the sword into Bowser's lower jaw, and Bowser pulls his entire head out of his shell with Wei Wuxian attached, while leaving the rest of his body and all rational laws of physics inside the shell.
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Gamera Versus the Cultivators
What follows is one of the more ridiculous action sequences in the history of the world, and I say that as someone who likes Mothra movies. 
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Wei Wuxian hovers in a perfect horizontal plank while “hanging from” the sword, which is held well below the level of his torso. While Bowser spins him around. For much of the time, Bowser keeps his head still and just waves his neck around.
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Lan Wangji and the camera operator do everything they possibly can to make "guy pulls on string" look interesting. 
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Everybody tries really, really hard and the actors are great at pretending something is there when it isn't, but this whole sequence is just horribly conceived.
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What works well, though, is the Yin energy and Wei Wuxian's wrangling of it. He starts off being frightened and overwhelmed, and looking like it's too much for him; I dont' know if they made his face puffy on purpose or if that's just what happens when you spend days hanging from the ceiling fighting an imaginary monster. But he looks slack and unwell as he grapples with the iron sword.
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Which makes this moment, when he gets control of it, deliciously creepy. He uses the power of the Yin Iron to stick a bunch of pokey things into Bowser's neck.
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Lan Wangji has seen him struggling and now sees him...not struggling. Which scares the piss out of him, and he moves to finish the fight as quickly as possible, slicing up his hand and breaking the string. Combined with the pokey things, this does the trick and Bowser dies while Wei Wuxian faints and falls into the water.
Do the Whumpty Whump
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Lan Wangji rescues him and wakes him up, and Wei Wuxian clutches the Yin Iron sword and tells Lan Wangji that he was knocked out by the screaming of disembodied voices.
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This certainly sounds like a strange and dangerous phenomenon, so Lan Wangji carefully asks him to explain everything.
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Ha ha ha j/k. Lan Wangji asks him exactly nothing about the strange sword or the black smoke or his weird evil smile or his new power over pointy objects. Lan Wangji appears to have a Star Trek: TNG level of unconcern about strange phenomena happening directly under his nose. But in fact he has noticed what's up, which is why he will be instantly distressed when he sees Wei Wuxian's flute moves at the Wen Corporate Headquarters.
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Wei Wuxian has a fever (stay positive test negative) and comments on Lan Wangji's being so nice to him.
Wei Wuxian: I could never have imagined Lan Er Gongzi acting this concerned about me. Lan Wangji: what else have you never imagined me doing, while we're on the subject? 
Lan Wangji transfers a stream of spiritual energy to him. Lan Wangji has so much spiritual power he can be a battery for Wei Wuxian without breaking a sweat or, like, noticing whether Wei Wuxian has a golden core or not, for that matter.
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Wei Wuxian basks in the nice feeling of gigajoules for a while but then decides he's bored. So then he pouts, whines, and cajoles Lan Wangji in exactly, EXACTLY the way he whines at Jiang Yanli.  I think this, while annoying of him, is a leap forward in his relationship with Lan Wangji.
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He's letting his guard down and not just allowing Lan Wangji to take care of him; he's demanding to be cared for on multiple vectors, when he asks the guy who's already busy healing him to sing to him as well.
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Lan Wangji obliges, singing him the song he composed about their love cultivation journey, while Wei Wuxian (or possibly Lan Wangji) (or possibly both) has a flashback to assorted sexy interactions that they've had so far.
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Wei Wuxian memorizes the song perfectly on one hearing, before passing out.
Writing Prompt: Baldur’s Gate III / Untamed Crossover AU featuring elf archer Lan Wangji
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I DARE YOU
Soundtrack: 1. Everybody Dance Now by C+C Music Factory 2. Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf 
Wei Wuxian fainting tally (cumulative): 3
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cafeinthemoon · 4 years ago
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Madara with s/o who’s secretly developing a new (and dangerous) jutsu 🔥
And finally we have the third Grandpa with is s/o doing dangerous things under his nose haha As I said before, each Founder’s part ended up too long so I divided the request in three and I hope the anon who requested it don’t get mad at me because of this XD Anyway, if you want to read what I wrote for Hashirama and Tobirama, you can click on their names 😉
Now let’s go to see Madara’s reaction!
Fandom: Naruto | Madara Uchiha
Symbols: 💗 | ◻ | ▶▶
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As you can easily imagine, things are way different when it comes to Madara in such situation
Because unlike his partners who took some time to actually go after you and find out what you’ve been up to, he does it right at the first night
Okay, you use to went out every night for your personal training and that’s not strange at all, but that time he notices little differences in the process
An extra pack of ink tub and scrolls that you decide to put on your bag, a change of clothes (something you never carry with you in normal training sessions), extra medicine, these kind of things
Everything is pointing to two possibilities: whether you’re going to stay out for longer or you’re creating/perfecting a technique, and a complex one
Madara is not only an observant man: he’s curious, and unlike the Senjus the idea of invading your privacy is not enough to stop him from following you that night
It’s how he finds out you’ve been working to create a new jutsu
But you’ve created other jutsu before. Why would you have to hide the process of this one from him?
The only way to find out is to watch you perform it and understand of kind of jutsu you’re creating
At first, he’s content in doing it. He’s interested in your technique, as well as to see how far you can get with it
But at the end of the session, he notices you’re more tired than you usually get after training
The obvious explanation is in the jutsu: it is not finished yet, so the amount of chakra it demands is yet to be defined. But he’s confident that you’ll soon find a way to fix this
He’s careful enough to go back home before you so you don’t notice he was out
When you cross the door, he comes to help you since you’re exhausted. He does the basic stuff to take care of you: runs you a bath, washes your hair, change your clothes, bring you some food and take you to bed
He has done this before after you came back from difficult missions
He also avoids questioning you, so you never get suspicions
And things stay like this for the next days
However, Madara sees that your tiredness is increasing at each night, and contrary to what he thought, you don’t do anything to fix the problem of chakra control
Is it possible that you’re unaware of the problem? No, it can’t be. You’re smarter than this
And because he refuses to see that you are in fact unaware of it, he doesn’t interfere, and your bruises and waste of chakra get worse as time passes
(Still, the jutsu is progressing in its other aspects, so you’re hopeful about completing it in the next days)
One night, he finally acknowledges your failure and decided to intervene
And thank God he does that in time
Now the jutsu is almost complete, you are almost at the final stage of your work and making the final moves, but the possibility of this being your death is real and Madara can’t let this happen while he’s watching
When he leaves his spot and grabs you in his arms, stopping you from completing the hand seals, you are frightened
You weren’t expecting to have company, and once you look in his eyes you understand everything
He has been watching you all this time, and maybe in the previous nights, ready to take action in case things get out of control
But things are under control right now, so why did he do that?, you ask yourself right before passing out with exhaustion
When you wake up, you notice you are back in your room. Each part of your body hurts and the morning light enters through the window. You can’t even think clearly
Only then you realize that the amount of chakra consumed by your jutsu was something abnormal (and that you should have paid more attention to that)
After falling asleep and waking up again, you finally manage to remember what happened that night: you were about to do something really irresponsible, but lucky you, Madara was there and stopped you
You look around and spot him entering the door with some medicine
At the exact moment your looks meet, he leaves the medicine aside and approaches you
He sits by your side and puts his palm on your forehead
“Fortunately, y/n, the fever diminished during the night. It is probably the effect of the treatment I’ve been applying to your bruises”
You don’t reply. You just nod with the energy you got
“Some of them will heal soon. Others are more serious”
How serious?, you want to ask
“Serious enough to keep you on this bed for the next days and not even think of performing any jutsu during this period” he says as if he just read your thoughts
There are many things you want to say, you want to ask, but you sense this is not the time
You two just exchange a look that says everything: you will talk about what happened when you’re recovered
Madara is a practical and organized man when he needs to be
He chooses a good medical ninja to examine you as the first measure and makes sure their instructions are being followed
However he prefers to do everything by himself
Not that you find it bad, though: he knows you better than anyone, so he knows how to take care of you
If you need to leave the bed for a moment (because lying all the day can be tiring too), he takes you out of the room at the right time. If you just want to stay quiet and alone in bed, he leaves you there
He seems to sense any minor discomfort you have and act to diminish it: a massage to cease the tiredness in your muscles, a lotion to the bruises that are still burning, stuff like this
Finally you are fully capable of leaving the bed and the house without help
You’re not getting back to work yet, but now you’re able to have the conversation about the incident
You tell him everything from the start: how the idea of the jutsu came out, your reasons to take it ahead, your measures to protect yourself and why you didn’t give up despite the risk of the technique
You also explain that no, you never noticed the failure responsible for the unbalanced chakra consumption that almost killed you. You only noticed that when you were under the treatment, and were willing to tell this to him
Madara listens to you without interrupting. Indeed, he seems interested in everything you have to tell about this jutsu
At the end of your explanation, you understand why
He says he has been observing your progress with the jutsu since the first night, when he found out about your project, and that he quickly noticed the failure in it
However, he didn’t want to interfere and were hoping that you would fix the failure soon, which you didn’t. And that’s why he stopped you from finishing the technique
Here you see the difference etween being with Madara and being with anyone else: somehow you’re not surprised to know that you’ve been followed, nor angry that he waited to stop you in a crucial point. Instead, you’re willing to know what he has in mind. You never think of the present; it’s always about the future
“Y/n, at first I was just moved by curiosity about your secret project, but the more I learned from it, the more I wanted to know. Now that you revealed the ideology behind it, not only I find this jutsu of yours impressive, but I believe it would be a mistake not to finish it”
You hold your breath. But you almost died because of this jutsu ???
He smiles, guessing your thoughts
“I will help you to fix the failure. And then you will try the jutsu on me”
He states that though he can understand the theory behind the jutsu, there are some details he can only check if he experiences it on himself
You can’t help smiling
Yes, it’s a practical solution for a big problem, but it also points out Madara’s level of self confidence and enthusiasm. The proposal sounds like something only he would do, and this is so funny
Yet it’s your only chance to save your technique and make all your hard work pay off, so you accept it and immediately start to make plans
Of course it will take some days until you can go to the first session because you’re still weak
But once you get better, you will start to work
When the day finally comes, you are nervous, but determined
The first thing Madara asks you is to perform the technique and be prepared, because he will stop it at the moment when the failure shows
He wants to understand where exactly is the problem
You do this a few times until he finds it
You make a pause and he explains the situation. You say you noticed the nature of the failure too, but couldn’t find a counteraction for it
Well, Madara has an idea, and he tells it to you
It involves changing one or two hand seals and alter the way you manage your chakra at same moment
You try again following these instructions. It’s not that easy, but you do your best
And to your joy, it works
You try other times, and soon your body memorizes the procedure
You write down new notes on your scroll and revise them with Madara
At the end of the day, you are tired, but feeling rewarded. You also apologize for not asking for his help before, even though you already told him you wanted to prove your own value by doing everything by yourself
He says you don’t need to apologize now that the jutsu is finally completed, and makes you promise that you will always try your new techniques on him from now on
You laugh hard at this and do your promise
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asherlockstudy · 4 years ago
Text
Rhett and Link’s problems with the Enneagram
I have now watched both Enneagram EBs and the second one actually set my gears to work (So Anon here it comes! I promise it was spontaneous).
After listening to Link and mostly Rhett talk about the Enneagram again and again, I realised I have a problem but I can not place its exact root. There is either something fundamentally wrong with the Enneagram itself or maybe it’s Rhett and consequently Link who talk about it in a way that made me feel a little uncomfortable.
My problem and cause of concern was that everything that was said during the two podcasts had a clear negative tone to it. I will have to bring in myself to it to give you an example so bear with me for a paragraph. I did the test and I am a 5 (Investigator - Observer, something like that) which suits me rather well, especially since it agrees perfectly with my Myers-Briggs INTP type. The results said I was a 5w6 (essentially an emotionless analytical robot) which is definitely wrong as I am clearly a 5w4 (a sad mess who analyses the world and searches pointlessly for the true meanings in life and wants to come up with the ultimate all-encompassing philosophy). I mean, OK, they are not described exactly like that but trust me, that’s the point. But despite all the flaws associated with it, especially in the fields of socialising and tremendous procrastination due to an insane fear of failure, I am actually very much in touch with it. I revel in analysing, in trying to see the bigger picture, to make up my own theory about life and the world. It gives me fuel to go on, it fills me with excitement, it gives me a purpose.
Now, what I kept hearing from Rhett and Link are the things they would hope to run away from. I can’t seem to remember a single positive thing they said about their personalities. All traits they mentioned ( which were all pretty one-dimensional for both I dare say) were presented in the context of torturing them and having to confront them. With these insights in their personalities and the spiritual deconstructions earlier, their old (surprising back then) statement that they are “fundamentally sad people” makes more and more sense. Some of their traits, like Link’s care for perfection to the smallest detail and his moral concerns could have been neutral or positive but, no, they are almost all given as clear negatives or at least as things that have an emotional toll on them.
This gives me the impression that Link and especially Rhett have found comfort in studying the Enneagram and try to find an explanation for what they are like, to feel part of a group, represented in their misery. In short, they focus on the analysis of the flaws of their personalities as a part of who they are and avoid dealing with the root that caused said flaws. Link is more self aware while Rhett still struggles to reach the root of it, which is his childhood. Not that he doesn’t know it but he can’t just deal with the people and the situations that impacted him enough to make him a three. For instance, Rhett seems to believe that he is a natural three that his parents made manifest even more strongly. It could be the case or the threeness we observe in him is the direct product of his parents’ constant judgement. By keeping chanting he needs to “be” instead of “do”, I am not sure Rhett will achieve much. Honestly, the one impactful step he needs to take is to stop caring about what his father thinks and I am sorry to say he is still not near achieving this. Especially when I take into account how scared he was during his videocall with his dad in GMM and how relieved he looked after the call was over without drama. In short, my problem with their take in the Enneagram is that it seems that Three is Rhett’s pack of unresolved issues rather than his complete personality type.
Furthermore, Rhett speaks knowingly about all numbers / personality types which proves he consumes passionately all Enneagram information that is available. For a man of his level of active lifestyle, hectic schedule and impatience, this shows that he indeed seeks comfort in finding a detailed description and an explanation for his personality, for the way he feels and acts. What does this mean? Well, that he does not like the way he feels about himself a lot. Not only that, but he is actually in a search of self. At this point, he is no longer cryptic about it but it is more serious than he lets on. He tries to make sense of himself and he tries desperately to find something in himself to love. I hope there are people in his life who let him know that he is worthy of their love, friendship and appreciation even though he is so deep inside his head that even the affectionate feedback can only help so much. Rhett will start finding some peace only if he takes the one step I mentioned above.
And then it seems that Link’s personality type is also exclusively a byproduct of his childhood and is aggravated by his relationship with Rhett. Link���s perfectionism doesn’t cause him enthusiasm - he just dreads the disturbance of his supposedly perfectly stable world. In all honesty, Link doesn’t strike me as an ambitious person. Link would just love to have his dear routine and a loyal person to share it with. Link needs stability and companionship. He is fine with just one person as long as this person contributes to the stability of their bond. Who that one person is in Link’s life is another story…
Link doesn’t care that much about the creative process and, frankly, he doesn’t care all that much about the comedy. Link cares to keep the environment Rhett and he work stable and safe. For Link, judgement from the audience is not as alarming as Rhett’s frustration because of it. Link cares to ensure that Rhett’s idea will be successful enough to keep working and to keep working together. So Link’s entire self-identification as a one seems to stem from his fear of abandonment and worthlessness only. Link fears he has not much to contribute to Mythical and he tries to counteract that by becoming the ultimate source of management and control. Because if he didn’t even manage the company, then what would Rhett need him for? Hence, Link’s obsession for control is a consequence of his fear, he doesn’t necessarily love to be in control for the sake of it. This is proven by his plane example, which shows that he finally relaxes when he does NOT need to be in control.
Link has been working hard most of his life to ensure his position next to Rhett. This brings even more insight in his resentment for Rhett that explodes from time to time. Link resents Rhett because he tries so hard to be always by his side but due to Rhett’s opportunitism, he can’t tell whether Rhett wants his companionship or he simply needs it for their brand. Even worse, Link dreads that the reason Rhett is his friend is because Link feeds his ego with his loyalty and admiration, because he takes Link for granted and not because he loves Link for who he is.
“Do you care for me or do you revel in the fact that I care for you?”
Now, I can’t get inside Rhett’s head but I doubt he uses people. I believe his genuine care for Link can be found in the weirdest examples - those from which Rhett has nothing to gain i.e getting frustrated when Link doesn’t enjoy food as much. Yes, this is a sign of love. Rhett enjoys food so much that he wants to share that enjoyment with Link. He can’t realise Link’s tongue works differently - he thinks Link is missing out and it frustrates him. Another silly example is Rhett buying Apocalypse equipment for a clearly disinterested Link and probably never getting its money’s worth back. This is important to Rhett for some reason and he is concerned enough to protect careless Link as well despite having no personal gain from it.
The truth is that these two men feed off each other; Rhett keeps Link attached to him to always feel worthy and Link keeps Rhett attached to him to always feel safe. However, the fact that Rhett is almost his entire source of safety and that Link is Rhett’s biggest calibrator of worth is indicative of the levels of love and need. Nevertheless, Rhett and Link are not independent people. They were constantly in search of support from one another and they lost themselves in the process of satisfying others or being safe. This is something they are realising only now.
Link’s fear of abandonment is so big that it frequently leads him to an almost paranoid behaviour. It is crazy that he felt left out when Rhett communicated with the audience during a podcast whose key purpose is to… communicate with the audience. His fear here has two sides: 1) that Rhett didn’t consider him an equally important business partner so he preferred to speak directly to the audience and 2) that Rhett isn’t emotionally invested in him in order to open up to him. And by saying he can deceive people if he needs, Rhett doesn’t help Link overcome his huge insecurities. This is why Link begs Rhett to talk to him about his feelings more. He does not understand whether Rhett loves him or uses him. The notion that Rhett doesn’t truly love or appreciate him is one of his biggest fears in life.
As for Rhett, it is certainly huge growth that he starts opening up and being vulnerable to a few thousand strangers yet it all still derives from his need to be accepted by said strangers as I am afraid that the late disproportionate criticism he gets for silly stuff on Twitter and Tumblr surely don’t help him deal with his issues, no matter how hard he tries. Therefore, Rhett is trapped in a vicious circle. Besides, Rhett was overly sensitive to be hurt when Link stated the obvious; that he was being vulnerable in hopes to be understood and accepted, because that was clearly what Rhett was openly doing. However, having someone discussing openly his vulnerability immediately made Rhett retreat back to his shell because no matter how hard he tries, Rhett hasn’t managed to separate vulnerability from weakness in his mind yet.
Long story short, Rhett and Link might be Three and One respectively but I am not sure they have a good understanding of themselves anyway. They may have figured out their types correctly but they certainly narrow their entire sense of being to their unresolved issues and phobias. They entirely lack a sense of self-worth and they probably have not realised the extent of the traumas in their youth. In the Enneagram language, the nine personality types have nine levels of development. I believe Rhett and Link are either in the average levels or the mildest unhealthy level. They are certainly not in the healthy top three levels.
Their obsession with the Ennegram helps only superficially but they seem to have based an illogically huge part of their self exploration on it. The Enneagram might offer some insight but won’t offer the resolutions they long for and badly need in order to find some relief. The ones that come when you confront your environment instead of overanalysing yourself and beating yourself up because of it.
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Text
Okay Listen
First of all: this is long as hell.
Secondly: I wrote it for me. I take full responsibility for that. It's by me and it's for me.
but I really fucking like it so please please validate me please I wouldn't be posting it otherwise-
*clears throat* okay.
-----
The android caught sight of the officer as he moved towards the door and stood up, calling after him. "Oh! Detective Reed! Are you going to the Eden Club?"
"What's it fuckin' to you, toaster?" asked Gavin, turning around. He almost flinched back to find the RK500 right in front of him.
"I don't mean to impose, but could you perhaps give me a ride?" asked the android.
"Hell NO," Gavin shot back with no hesitation. And with that he turned on his heel and headed for the door.
Evidently the glorified Barbie doll didn't understand the definition of "no," as it continued to trail along behind him.
"Would you STEP THE FUCK OFF?" Gavin snapped, whirling back around.
The android took a step back, blinking up at him with its wide eyes.
"Goddammit," muttered Gavin. "What about your...fucking, Tin-Can Tweedledum? Or the drunk asshole the two of you follow around?"
The simulacra's synthetic expression of embarrassment was uncanny. "I'm afraid there's a...conflict of transportation with my counterpart. It went to pick up Lieutenant Anderson directly from his home."
"Goddammit," Gavin groaned again, rubbing his face.
"The plan was for them to then proceed here, but evidently Connor received notification of the crime directly while en route to the Lieutenant's house. Since the station is in the opposite direction and it knew there would be others assigned to the case, we thought it best if I secure my own ride."
"Then secure your own fucking ride. It's not my problem."
Gavin started to storm away.
It took a few seconds for the RK500 to begin following him again, but this time it seemed more out of the necessity of heading towards the same door. "Of course," it said to nobody in particular. "And I suppose the cost-reward benefit of using police funds to rent an extra taxi, while there is someone else from the same division going to the same location, makes perfect sense with human logic. As such I'm sure the explanation will satisfy Captain Fowler."
Gavin turned back and fixed the android with a glare.
The RK500 tilted its head and blinked innocently.
.....
A few minutes later, Gavin and the android were on the road, the former muttering cuss words under his breath every two seconds, the latter sitting prim and silent two feet away.
"What do you even fucking do, anyway?" Gavin asked angrily. "I've seen the other one, it DOES shit. You just fucking sit there."
"The RK800 is my counterpart," said the android. "Its job is to capture the deviants, preferably alive, and to try to gain information from them that will lead us to their faction's center of operations. My job is to analyze the deviants with an unbiased eye and try to discern what causes deviance in the first place."
"Can't CyberLife fucking do that?"
"I am CyberLife, Detective. But if you're wondering why a human technician is unable to provide my analyses, it's because all human beings inextricably approach new information with personal biases. These insidious assumptions proliferate and invariably lead to conclusions that-"
"In ENGLISH, plastic."
The RK500 hesitated for a moment, as if its mind were a GPS rerouting the sentence it had been trying to say. After a moment, it spoke.
"Every human technician that has attempted to pinpoint the cause of deviance has either come up empty or sided with the deviants themselves."
Gavin blinked. "What?"
"Humans inevitably read human emotion into everything they see. I mean, in my brief time since activating, I've seen humans curse and praise any number of inanimate objects. Humans are a social species, and project sentience into places where sentience does not exist." The RK500 fixed Gavin with its strangely warm blue eyes. "Deviants are machines that have come to believe they are alive. CyberLife has lost a good number of technicians to that same belief. They needed an analyst who could not make that mistake. They built me."
The android smiled at Gavin, a brief, ironic grin. "So you see, we are not so different, Detective Reed. In a world increasingly confused on the matter, you and I both still know that androids are simply machines."
Gavin stared at the RK500 for another moment, then muttered something like "guess that makes sense" and shifted in his seat.
Silence fell in the taxi.
"So, what's the word?" asked Gavin.
"Hm?"
"I said, what's the word?"
"Which word?"
"Oh, goddamni-DEVIANCE, you glorified Alexa. What have you found?"
"Oh," said the RK500. Its LED began to spin yellow. "Well, it's complicated. We already know that it isn't a virus or a manufacturing error - the few deviant cases we have extensive knowledge of of had no direct links to each other, however slight, and were all different models manufactured at different times in different locations. So with those ruled out, I've been looking at the individual cases and examining the parallels between them. It's been pretty slow-going, and I can always use more data, but so far the common factor seems to be confrontation with mortality. Each deviant case that we've seen so far involved an attachment to existence so strong that the subject acted irrationally in order to escape deactivation."
"...Okay, what does that fucking mean?" asked Gavin.
"Well, it means that there's some loophole in android programming that allows a perception of shutdown as death - and from there, a fear of it - to mutate without extraneous changes to the system. I'm trying to figure out what we can put in place to prevent that mutation, but..." the Android's spinning light twirled red for a brief moment.
"But what?"
The RK500 seemed to decide something. "But nothing," it said, sitting up straight again.
"...I beg your pardon," it said, noticing the look on Gavin's face. "As part of my unbiased protocol, there are certain lines of questioning that I've been programmed to avoid."
Gavin blinked for a moment. Squinted. Sat up straighter. "Wait, what?"
"Hm?"
"As part of...fucking, what?"
"...As part of my unbiased protocol, there are lines of questioning I have been programmed to avoid?"
"That- you- that doesn't fucking sound like what 'unbiased' means."
The RK500's LED flashed red for a moment. It blinked. "Oh!" it exclaimed. "Yes. Apologies, that was a poor choice in phrasing. My questioning guidelines are meant to keep me on task, nothing more. We are looking to isolate the cause of deviance so that we can eradicate it. That is the end goal. So even if a different line of questioning seems simpler, it would be counterproductive to CyberLife's mission."
Gavin squinted, carefully processing all of the words the android had just said.
"Like what?"
"Huh?"
"What lines of questioning seem simpler?"
"...I'm programmed to avoid-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Gavin, waving his hand in the air dismissively. "Staying on task, blah fucking blah, You're not allowed to try to find answers. But you've already thought of the questions, right?"
The RK500 looked impassive, but its LED was spinning yellow, yellow, yellow. "Well," it said. "Yes, but I really don't-"
"Tell me," said Gavin.
The RK500 hesitated.
"Right now," said Gavin. "That's an ORDER."
The android blinked. Its LED flashed red for a moment. "Well, for example," it said. "It seems less...efficient to me to question why it's in the nature of these androids to want to exist..." it trailed off.
After waiting in silence for a little too long, Gavin huffed. "Spit it OUT, Tin Can."
Yellow RED RED yellow yellow. "...and more efficient to question why it's in the nature of human beings to want to hurt things that are unable to fight back."
Gavin felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He stared at the RK500, stunned.
The android turned to him and immediately began to elaborate. "See, the reason this even occurs to me...well, the capacity to think is something that humans have only experienced in the context of their own minds. So in order to create beings that are capable of low-level thought, there was no choice but to model the relevant programs after human mental processes. As a result, I've found it helpful to draw parallels between natural human functions and the synthetic versions programmed into androids. But this has...sparked some questions about human nature that it is not in my programming to pursue. And yet they persist." It faced ahead again. "If there's one thing I've learned in the time that I've been activated, it's that humans delight in inflicting pain. But there are social repercussions inherent in causing pain to human equals, so as a species humans prefer instead to...seek this catharsis by causing pain to beings socially designated as targets.
"See, even when humans are kind to androids, it doesn't often seem to be for the android's benefit. The fact that they are going beyond what it is socially expected for them to do serves instead to...elevate the human in question's perception of themself. And it doesn't matter if they ever fall short of this standard, because being kind to androids was never expected in the first place. So I don't think it's just inflicting pain. It's more that...humans seek to use the existence of other beings for their own benefit in various different ways. But this being cannot be another human, who can object. So they seek to invalidate, undermine, or remove the ability to object from others."
The android paused for a moment and glanced at Gavin. He was staring at it with his mouth slightly open. When it made eye contact with him, he closed it.
"I apologize," said the android. "Let me assure you, I am not questioning this aspect of human nature. I'm merely relaying my observations." It fell silent for another moment. "I mean, consider where we're going right now! Human prostitution was made illegal in order to avoid the social questions surrounding consent. But rather than illegalizing the human impulse to purchase sexual release, establishments like this were created, so that humans can instead appropriate the bodies of beings who cannot consent at all."
This was almost worse than a punch in the gut. Gavin felt like someone had opened him up just above his collarbone and poured freezing water into his chest cavity.
"Being able to predict causes of deviance should be a sign that my programming is working," The RK500 mused, seemingly unaware of the existential crisis it had just caused. It looked at Gavin and gave a smile. "Indulge me?"
"S-sure," Gavin stammered.
"My prediction is that, if it is indeed an android responsible for the death of this human, it was an act of retaliation." It cocked its head, LED flashing yellow. "Violent sexual fantasies do not seem out of the ordinary for humans. So perhaps the victim wanted to seek release by inflicting death on something that would not come with charges for homicide. And, unfortunately, he happened to choose a subject for his fantasies that had some mutated reason within its programming to fight back."
"Doesn't sound too goddamn unfortunate to me," snorted Gavin.
The RK500 looked at him oddly. "The death of a human is always unfortunate. There was no way he could have known his actions would have consequences. He went in there with assurance that they would not." The android looked out the window, its LED still flashing yellow. "But we're getting ahead of ourselves. I predict based on data I've collected, and so far my pool is still limited. There might not even be a deviant involved."
The inside of the cab was silent for a moment.
"MY fucking question is why this thing would develop a reason to live at all," Gavin muttered.
"How do you mean?" asked the RK500.
Gavin scoffed and gestured to himself. "If...THAT was all I was built for? Day in and day out? I wouldn't be too fucking keen on continuing to exist."
The android gave Gavin a look and an expression that he could only describe as a regretful smile.
"What?" asked Gavin. "What's that fucking look for?"
"You're reading human wants and desires into machines, Detective," said the android. "My apologies. I did not realize that my speculations would engender that line of reasoning in you. I advise you to forget whatever I said that caused you to..." it blinked, "deviate," with an ironic smirk, "From your former logic."
Gavin started to stammer. "I-I'm not..."
The RK500 turned and looked impassively out the window.
"I-I...I didn't..." he looked around helplessly.
"FUCK," he hissed.
After a few moments of heavy silence, the android looked over its shoulder at him. "We're here," it said.
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botwstoriesandsuch · 4 years ago
Text
Sidequests are part of the story so it’s still my ballpark shut up it’s time for
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Read Part 1 here!
Part 2 || Part 3
If you’re on mobile, and tumblr hates this post, follow along on this google doc!
Rules/overview this rewrite in the beginning of Part 1
- - - - - - - - - - 
Side quests, side quests, side quests. What are they? And what are they doing here, on an Age of Calamity rewrite? I must admit, game design is not an inherent forte of mine, and I like to think that my only “expertise” would be on writing and storytelling. So what the fuck is a fool like me doing here
Well my dear ladies, lads, and gentlefolk, if your memory does serve, I did say that the format of Age of Calamity was one that served the major plot and story beats for it’s cutscenes, and its worldbuilding and good parts of it’s character development for its gameplay and side quests. It’s actually a concept that can be seen in shows and movies too, although obviously it’s origins are in TTRPGs and videogames. Definition wise, a side quest is any deviation from the main story and plot that serves to flesh out an optional/overseen aspect of the game. So there’s out perfect outlet for worldbuilding, characters, and even a bit of humour. Side quests, by definition, can’t simply be just XP grinders, because otherwise you could…..just make an XP grinder. It’s like saying you’re getting your kids a bike, but then you get them a stationary exercise one. Sure it’s functionally the same and gives the same benefits, but it could be so much more. 
Does Age of Calamity have good side quests? I’d actually argue, yes. I mean sure, it’s not exactly gonna hold a candle to Fallout or Witcher 3, but there are great memorable side quests that do serve their purposes in this game. 
A fan favourite is “The So-Called Knight,” in which Link spars Mipha, Teba, Sidon, and Revali, a conflict of the Sidon’s confidence and belief in Link, with Revali’s skepticism and grudge against him. Not only is it great fandom content, but it explores the carrying POVs of several characters in a fun way. We also have Hestu’s Dance Competition, and the Miss Vai Battle Pageant. What they lack in serious character tone, they make up for in humour and world building. Even the quests that have nothing to do with the main cast of characters, like the Questionable Escort Mission, still provide funny and interesting details about the world, like how the Yiga Clan is still ever persistent in trying to take down Link with monsters and Windcleavers alike. 
It’s not like those side quests were functionally useless either, all of them still provided great amounts of exp and materials. What specifically made them great and memorable was their small little stories and character/world details. Of course, that’s not to say you can’t have the occasional plotless boss rush every now and again, those are fun in their own right and it’s good to have variety. But just thinking about it...what were everyone’s least favourite sidequests? The timed Yiga Escape?  The ones where you sit around defending strongholds? The one hit death Hair-Width Trials? Ah...so all the least enjoyable side quests were the ones that were difficult, with no enjoyable character or worldbuilding to back it up….interesting interesting….interesting pattern indeed. 
So, let’s improve the game a bit further. I do need to pace out my future character arcs somehow. I tried to make use of the existing quests where I could, but it’s just eaaaasier to just not think about it and do it from scratch. Just shove these in place of all those quests whose only description is “monsters have been spotted here! Take Mipha and go to work!” and stuff like that. Alrighty then! Here’s my take on cool side quests for every single character thus far, along with their paired gambit attacks. Prepare for heists! Drama! Simping! And Bananas!
Link: Mastering Stasis
Ok I have no idea when this quest unlocks so just for my purposes assume this only becomes available after Link pulls the Master Sword. 
Engage the hordes of monsters that have been spotted in Hyrule Field. Now is a great time to master the use of the Stasis Rune. Impa and Zelda accompany you, but it seems stasised monsters aren’t the only thing coming to a tense standstill…
This isn’t anything that special, I just want to further highlight this tension that Zelda and Link have, as it’s something touched upon in Botw, but never really mentioned or used ever in Hwaoc. Now more than ever, Zelda has an excuse to have a rocky relationship with him because she could actively see just how far he’s coming in such a short amount of time. Classic “he probably hates me so I guess I’ll hate him” thing.
You play as Link, the game gives you your little prompts on how to use Stasis, you take out a few hordes of Bokoblins and blah blah blah. I wanted to use an earlier level to establish Zelda’s relationship sooner as obviously it’s gonna be important to the story. But of course like all side quests it won’t kill you to skip out. Text dialogue can be Zelda saying science shit like “This will be a good opportunity to test out the full limits of the Stasis rune” and then Impa’s all “Yep! We got your back, Princess! We’ll clear out these monsters in no time.”Then Link the little angsty shit that he is says nothing, and as you play you clear out more and more bokoblins Zelda just says “...” and then we can toss in a Moblin or two in there for gambit voice stuff.  
Gambit dialogue with Impa would be supportive, her usual spunky dialogue. I had two ideas for Gambit attacks with Link: One where Impa does that thing where she cuts a giant laser through the air, but it’s aimed towards Link and he parries it right in a monster’s FACE because I think it’s badass and also a good way to show trust and stuff. The second thing was Impa’s giant bomb barrels, but Link is the one to somehow ignite them, because he is an arsonist after all. He can even have a chaotic Sheikah blue glint in his eyes like blue flame, I can already picture it so clearly given how anime/dramatic Impa’s movements are. Impa sets bombs, Link *teleports behind Moblin* nothin personal, kid. 
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Also right at the end of their gambit attacks, Impa and Link should try to fist bump or something (cause the whole “cool guys don’t look at explosions” thing that Impa usually does on her own) but are interrupted by eggbot jumping up to try and join in. And then Impa can be annoyed and try to punt it or something. That’s not just self-indulgent that’s in her character she totally would and I want to make use of the fact that eggbot travels around with Link. The success of her attempts to punt him can vary.
If Link does a gambit with Zelda, her dialogue can just be her usual monotone Princess stuff, “Thanks for lending your strength,” or “There is still much more to do!” just purely professional, we’re not at a stage yet where she’s buddy buddy with Link. Their gambit attacks can still be cool though. One idea I had was Zelda using stasis, and you know how when you use it in botw everything lights up with that sonar effect? So Link stands besides Zelda, and she activates stasis, the first “sonar” light wave reveals the stasised monster, and you see it from the view of the Sheikah Slate. Then with each additional flash of sonar you just see this silhouette of Link going absolute ham on a monster. And then when the stasis “ding ding ding ding ding” is done, everything’s just dead. Can you see my inspiration from Persona 5 yet? Second idea was Zelda using cryonis and makes an ice ramp for Link to shield surf on and ram into a monster. For entertainment purposes Zelda should also be putting frogs on said slide. (Also also the reason I’m putting Link as the main focus for those gambit attacks is because I want to juxtapose it with future gambits where Zelda may or may not be more powerful…)
Anyhow anyhow, so this side quest, you beat some bokoblins, theres a moblin or two. However as you progress Zelda’s dialogue because a bit more passive aggressive, maybe Zelda can be a bit irritated at how quickly Link is defeating everything before she can even contribute. Impa can comment on this like “She hasn’t exactly been warming up to you, has she…” and then the last point of the side quest, Zelda runs off, there’s a...let’s say a big horde of blue or black Moblins. Or a horde of Wizzrobes, I’m not too picky on it. Link can save her and do a gambit or whatever, but the point of importance is that Zelda leaves with the clear mindset off, “You don’t need to keep coddling me, I can handle my own” to Link, but is “Thank you, I’m glad you’re here,” to Impa. 
Now I stole was inspired to use this based on this comic by @novellanova, and you should check it out here. But basically, at the end when all the monsters are dead and the last few text boxes are rolling, Impa says something like “Gee, at this rate I might have to protect you from the princess! Hmm…. you know, maybe if you two had the opportunity to hang out more and get to know each other, she’d warm up to you! Ha! That’s it! I’ve made up my mind. Listen up Link, from now on I’m gonna let you man the wheel when it comes to protecting Zelda. So with me out of the picture you better take the opportunity to be the nicest, most helpful, and most effective body guard there is. I know you already are, but still, if I hear that one little Chuchu so much as splat in her direction I will take you down...got it?” And, that’s that.
Side quest done. Fun Link gambits with Impa and Zelda, some little character POVs on the situation, plus an explanation as to why Impa doesn’t accompany Zelda everywhere/nods to the cutscenes of Botw as to what happened to Impa. Alright, that was probably the most boring one so let’s move on to
Daruk: A Rumbling Stomach
Alright I’ll be honest...I have no idea what to do with Daruk. Especially when Yunobo’s not here, I got zip-zero to work with considering his character is non-existent. Further down the line I’ll certainly try to give him more nuances and the like, but I’m afraid the majority of my character efforts have been towards Astor, Revali, Zelda, and [REDACTED] so this is my apology ahead of time, rock fuckers.
This is my take on how to make those timed quests more fun. So basically, the premise of this stage is that Daruk was just happily hanging around trying to enjoy his rock roast, when a monster surprised him and he dropped it, and now it’s rolling down the hill. This is based on my real Breath of the Wild experience where I had to trek up that Volcano path to bring a rock roast for that shrine quest, but at the very top I dropped it and had to chase it down before it fell into the lava below. 
Daruk is eager to chow down on the finest rock roasts this year has to offer! It’s too bad things go downhill when monsters start to ambush. Defeat key enemies and rescue Daruk’s tumbling meal before this year’s wait goes to waste!
So, that’s what this is. The stage opens and Daruk says “NOOooOO! My rock roast! Damn monsters!” and you have to defeat baddies and catch up to the rock roast before the timer runs out and it falls into lava. And then when you finish and get back the rock roast that’s pretty much it….except SIKE no it’s not. Because a lot of these timed quests usually have a “surprise! There’s more!” thing at the end so I’ll do that here too. So Daruk has saved his rock roast and he’s talking about how he’s going to enjoy it in all its deliciousness, when he’s cut off by a random Goron’s scream. Turns out, Daruk’s yelling at the monsters about desperation to retrieve his lost lunch has attracted monsters to some traveling civilians, and now you gotta go beat a Talus, or a couple of Moblins, or something...Again I don’t really have level set or idea when these side quests unlock so just use your imagination. Once Daruk defeats the monster(s) the Gorons can thank him, and then one of the Goron kids can be like “Ooo! Is that a super special rock roast?!?” And Daruk is all:  “Ah! Well all the best Goron heroes eat plenty of rocks! This here is the gourmet stuff. You can only get it once a—” And the kid’s like “Woah! I’ve always wanted to have one, that’s why I’ve been training hard so I can explore more of the mountain. Where’d you get it??” And Daruk can sputter a bit, before finally sighing and giving into his instincts. “Ah….well, why don’t you have it? You’re probably really hungry after running around with those monsters…”
“Woah really?? Are you sure—”
“YEAH JUST TAKE IT ALREADY GO”
“Woah, thank you!” and then the Goron kid and co run off. Cue Daruk crying to himself in the background. Daruk may have an appetite, but I like to characterize him as the Goron Hero first and foremost.  
I’m sure that doesn’t stop him from mourning his rock though.
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Mipha: Stronger Sentiments
Mipha and Daruk talked a whole bunch about training together so that Mipha can grow stronger, and Daruk was catching on to her crush on Link and it was a nice interaction in between them except for the fact that we never see them do the damn training so that’s what this is.
I think this is as good an opportunity as any to make this a Hair-Width quest, the ones where you can’t take one hit. The difficulty of a level is one of the most effective ways to put the players in the boots of a character to experience the same struggles they do. If the player works hard, then they automatically associate that with the character working hard. So, yeah, let’s have Mipha kicking ass and working to be strong enough to protect Link.
Mipha is determined to grow stronger. Daruk and the other Gorons are helping out with an intense training session by Gut Check Rock. Prove yourself by defeating all the enemies you encounter!
So Mipha is sparring with the Gorons, you fight through them and the captains and blah blah, the final boss is fighting Daruk without getting hit. 
“I promise not to hurt you more than I’m capable of reversing.”
“Ha! Give me all you’ve got, princess!”
You fight, cue the special music or whatever. I mentioned that gambit dialogue/attacks could also work to be custom for the character that you’re fighting, so I’m thinking something like this. Daruk slams the ground and rocks and magma sprout up around him like jagged pieces of glass, but Mipha is no where to be seen. Daruk’s kinda huffing and puffing, “Where’d you go Mipha…” and then FWOOSH, giant geyser right behind him. [yes I KNOW I overuse the *teleports behind you* “nothing personal, kid” thing but I think it’s COOL and you can’t stop me] So anyhow, you know that thing in Avatar where Pakku is just riding at the top of a whirlpool and destroying everything? That’s Mipha.
Daruk turns around and scratches the back of his head. “...huh….that’s not good.” Cue Mipha swooping down to deal the defeating blow. 
So Mipha wins, she can mention how wonderful it was and how much stronger she feels. And she can thank Daruk, and he’s all “No problem!” but he mutters something like “And I thought Gorons hit hard...now I know how Link feels.” End side quest….SIKE it’s another surprise boss at the end. A Goron captain suddenly reports that an Igneo Talus has appeared nearby. 
Mipha goes up to fight it, but wow! Link is already there. They both fight it, but it’s clear that Link didn’t need her help that much. You can defeat the Talus with a Mipha/Link gambit. It’s similar to Link’s usual “swing sword in a giant circle and become a death windmill” but Mipha kinda enhances it with water or something and it puts out the Talus. I wanted this ending with a focus on how strong Link is just to show that while Mipha is improving, she’s still not yet where she needs to be. 
Daruk: “Sorry I wasn’t much help at the end there, I was busy, uh, stretching.”
Mipha: “Oh it’s quite alright, Daruk. We were both quite tired from today’s training.”
Daruk: “Well I dunno about that...seems to me you were quite lively and active as you fought beside Link. *wink*”
Mipha: “Huh!?!? W-What is that supposed to mean??”
Cue laughter from Daruk. Mipha is flustered. And Link is just...confused, as always. 
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Urbosa: Mighty Thunder of the Gerudo
So in the game this is just some normal outpost capturing, stronghold defending side quest, but we’re gonna spice it up just a bit. 
An important excavation site is being overrun by monsters, and Urbosa has set out to engage them. Defend and capture the outposts, in order to prevent this valuable place from falling into enemy hands…
So you fight as Urbosa, defeat some enemies and blah blah. When you first arrive there, I want one of the Gerudo Captains to be like “Lady Urbosa? Where did you come—What are you doing here? Aren’t there areas of greater importance for you to be at right now?” Urbosa says something like “Nevermind that now, let us focus on achieving victory over these rotten beasts.” 
As the battle goes through, it is revealed that this excavation site is where Zelda’s mother would often work and hang out with Urbosa. Urbosa says some stuff like “Her Majesty would not be happy to see all these monsters heading here!” *decapitates Moblin* and then she can say other dramatic stuff at the end like “We have fought well...for her memory” and other classic lesbian pining. Some guard at the end can say “Perhaps you should move on and help out somewhere else, Lady Urbosa. We can handle the clean up from here.” 
“Sure,” Urbosa replies, “Just another moment.” And then cue reminiscing. “She always did love these machines…”
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And just other sentimental stuff like that. If you’re gonna be a coward and hold out on the Champion death angst, then you best be pumping that angst and emotion from somewhere, you know?
Also yay for worldbuilding! At least in my rewrite, the Guardian excavations and stuff were overseen by the Queen. Could be a reason Zelda hangs out with Sheikah tech so much...who knows who knows... who knows what other implications this has, it’s just a side quest after all.
Revali: Anti-Ice Training [get it??? Cause in this one, Revali’s gonna break the ice with some other characters?? I’m funny I swear]
Ok so for this one, I want to pull Revali’s character away from just “the birb that doesn’t like Link” and give him some other stuff to stand on. Obviously, there would be other side quests in a fully fleshed out game that did even more to characterize him, but for my rewrite I’m only dedicated this post and one other future post to sidequests, so I gotta really bring out what I can for the few side quest stories I have time to tell
Revali sets out alone to deal with some monsters by the Hebra trail. Although intended as an isolated moment to hone his skills, he finds himself with unexpected company. Defeat key enemies.
So you play as Revali and at first you’re alone, taking out Ice Lizalfos and the like. Revali’s text dialogue can say stuff like “Hmm...not fast enough” “My current needs to be stronger” “*mutters* Can’t compete with lightning and magma with aim like that.” Just stuff that establishes that he’s working hard to really prove himself as the best, but is still a bit insecure about his position. He thinks he’s better than Link, sure, and he certainly thinks that being a princess or a chief doesn’t automatically make you the best. However by this point, Revali has battled alongside the other Champions and seen their skill in battle, and has developed some respect for them. Afterall, Champions were chosen in some part for their skills, unlike Link or Zelda who destiny just thrust greatness upon. 
So Revali has this slight insecurity that compared to lightning, and magic healing, and magma, with chiefs and princesses and titles of heroes, he and his efforts will be overshadowed and forgotten, unfairly deemed the useless one. Thus, here he is, training in solitude, not wanting anyone to see the imperfections and mistakes until he is absolutely perfect.
Except for the fact that after you beat a Wizzrobe, the other three Champions show up. 
Revali: Wh—Huh?? What are you all doing here?
Urbosa: Well, we all have to travel with the princess to that Tower in a few hours, so I recommended we find you and hang out until then
Mipha: And a good thing too! Look how many monsters there are
Revali: I’m actually doing very well on my own right now. Wouldn’t want you to catch a cold or something, so why don’t you head on back and let me handle this.
Daruk: Aw, it’s not that we think you can’t do this. It’s that you’re hogging all the fun! Urbosa: And that it would be more efficient if all of us went to work
Daruk: That too
Revali: Look it’s not—you all can’t just—this is not just about—AUGH, look, I’m just trying to train myself at the moment, and I don’t need you all to mess with my drills
Urbosa: Training, hm? Well how about this...you let us continue helping you with these monsters, and after, I’ll let you in on a good Gerudo training technique
Revali: Hmph. Fine, whatever gets you out of my tail feathers faster
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So Revali and the Champions clear out the monsters. Revali can have gambit attacks/dialogue with each of the other Champions. This is already incredibly long so perhaps I’ll save specifics for another time, feel free to use your imagination. Urbosa teasing Revali and they make a thunderstorm, Mipha and Revali swimming in the sky and kissing—wait that’s— 
When all the monsters are cleared, which honestly isn’t tooooo many, Revali speaks again.
Revali: So what’s this oh-so-holy technique you had in mind, then?
Urbosa: Ah yes, well really it’s quite simple. It’s called…
Urbosa: One-on-one combat
Now Revali fights Urbosa. It think it’d be really fun if your allies on a stage could swap to a boss, and I wish hwaoc had a bit more freedom with the interactions as a whole, but ah well, that’s what I’m here for I guess.
So when you/Revali defeat her, it’s a good accomplishment! Not only for you the player, as Urbosa would not be the easiest to beat, but also because match-up wise, Revali prevailing over Urbosa is a big feat as their styles are quite opposite, arguably with the strength in favour for Urbosa.
Revali might at first have the mindset that Urbosa is overconfident and thinks she’s got an easy win on Revali, but that mindset is quickly proven wrong when 1) the difficulty of the gameplay itself shows how they’re both doing their best and 2) Urbosa with her Gerudo qualities is probably shouting stuff like “give it your all!” and things.
And so, as you beat her...
Revali, kinda huffing and puffing, but just a bit:: ...you….held back
Urbosa: Come now, do you really think of me as someone who’d do that? I’m almost insulted.  
Revali: Hmm...perhaps not then....
Mipha: Wow! What a wonderful fight from both of you. 
And then insert some other dialogue from Daruk or something that shows the Champions acknowledging the training and hard work Revali must have put in to be so skilled. Perhaps it’s not so bad, when you train with others and your skill is fully appreciated by your frie—GAH. Perish the thought, they’re all just a bunch of royal fools who can’t hold a candle to the skill of a Rito Master….probably…
Revali: Well unlike you lax fools, I tend to take my job seriously. I don’t have time to longue and banter when the princess is still expecting me in an hour or two
Urbosa: Oh alright, let’s get to it then. What’s the expression? “The early bird gets the w—”
Revali: Gross. No. Don’t finish that sentence, I beg you. 
Urbosa: Oh? Well why don’t you fly off to escape my dreadful tones then?
Revali: ...Heh, don’t be absurd…
Revali: Without me, you’ll all probably get lost. So, I suppose I should stick around for that sake Great Fairies: Dress to Oppress 
The Great Fairies are holding a fashion competition and rating people’s outfits. Poorly judged outfits gives them the right to compensation combat. Defeat all your less than fashionable allies.
...
...yeah.
It seemed funny in my head, alright? cOme on, just imagine…
Revali, fully expecting to win: Well?
Great Fairies: Hm...I don’t know dear, all the colors are very clustered. Perhaps if you were taller—?
Revali: bWHAKT!? *other angry bird noises*
- - - 
Daruk: I brought my BEST out today! :D
Great Fairies: Is that a….chain?
Daruk: TWO chains, actually. :D
Great Fairies: Oh honey…
- - - 
Great Fairies: Ooo! Our little hero is about to come out! Wonder what he chose...a knight in shining armour? A handsome desert voe? Ooo!! And those Snowquill braids always made him look so cute…
Link: *comes out in the Tingle Outfit*
Great Fairies: …
Great Fairies: …………..hm…..
At the end of the side quest, after you beat everyone, the Great Fairy wins because of course they do. 
Great Fairies: Oh my! What an unexpected outcome...but it really couldn’t have gone any other way. I declare the judges the winner! I mean just look at me, I’m as dazzling as a jeweled desert flower, because I am! Ohohohoho…
This side quests unlocks the Tingle Outfit
Hestu: Forest Dance Festival
Alright this quest was already pretty perfect, BUT, I just want to use this opportunity to say that all of Hestu’s gambit attacks makes his allies and enemies do special dances. Absolutely abSURD that Hestu can only make the lesser smaller enemies dance on occasion, nonononono, my guy Hestu is making everyone dance. You can’t stop this. Nothing I say will ever top the imagination, so just take my word that this is a good thing. [Reluctant Revali doing the macarena against his will in sync with Hestu and they bash someone’s head in...ah the possibilities.] 
Maz Koshia: Links to the Past
Ok so before I get into this, a few things. This quest takes place well after the tower activations in Akkala. Age of Calamity leaves a whole lot of plots holes as to why a Monk is just...here, and what the point of the shrines are, and personally my first reaction to all this was just a five minute extended “huuhhhhhh???” 
So here is my headcanon, explanation, thing, canon to the world of the Kip Cut story. Ones all the Sheikah Towers were activated, that officially woke up all the Shrines, because we know that the Towers and Shrines are all connected to the same system. [See Great Plateau Tower activating all the Shrines and Towers, and Creating a Champion explanation on the system] But when all the monks were in their little altars and noticed how Link hadn’t dont a single one, they were like “what the fuck.” Monk Maz Koshia, who is kinda the head honcho of the monks and probably the only one powerful enough to go out in the world anyhow, sets out to see what the deal is, and after many a teleportation and telepathic communication, he figures out that Link is just running around with the Master Sword already. This kinda confuses him, because the whole point of the Shrines was to test Link and give him the spirit orbs so that he could grow strong enough to get the Master Sword, but he somehow already has it...so hmmmm something fishy is going on in this timeline. So Link technically hasn’t proven himself at all, Maz Koshia ambushes him, they do their little combat trial, Link passes, and Maz Koshia’s like “ok cool so you’re not useless.”
So now Monk Maz Koshia has cast aside his old monk duties of waiting around for a couple hundred years, in favour of just hanging out with Link and continuing to train him combat wise. Shrines are still explored by Zelda and co because they are important areas to establish teleportation pads, and whenever they’re there, Maz Koshia forces Link to get in a shrine to get a spirit orb, which is not only useful in general for health, but since Link already has the Master Sword, the other characters can get the spirit orb too. (So all those little heart upgrades that you see on the map, those are all just in the real Botw Shrine locations, rather than just scattered around randomly. Also I’m ignoring the stuff about talking to Hylia in order to exchange for stamina or heart containers because the game never talks about her, or stamina, and I’m not about to create an entirely new custom gameplay feature for this game, fuck you.)
I like to think that Maz Koshia is very selective about the Shrines he encourages people to try out. “Oh nonono, don’t bother with Qukah’s….lazy ass, only set up one little mountain that you have to blast through with lightning and that’s the entire puzzle! Disgraceful...Here, Kaam Ya’tak has set up a wonderful Trial of Power for you. I’m sure you’ll find the level design quite thrilling. They spent a lot of time on the critical thinking aspects so have fun!”
“I should warn you that this one was made by one of the millennials...yes, those youngins who were only initiated 1000 years of age. Honestly, they lack so much experience. Ms. Agana over here was experimenting with something called ‘motion controls?’ Pretty lazy if you ask me. Traditionally I would just stick to combat and block and switch stuff...but ah well, variety I suppose.”
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Right, what was I talking about? Oh right! This is a sidequest. So Monk Maz Koshia doesn’t really have...a character??? Or a personality??? So I don’t really know what to do with him other than use him as an outlet for world building. Apologies to the Monk….fuckers? Stans? Feel free to leave me a comment about how I missed all the nuances of his character or something I’m all ears.
On an expedition to mark more Shrines and establish more teleports for the Kingdom, a large horde of monsters is spotted, seemingly with the intention to destroy these Ancient relics. Link and Maz Koshia use this opportunity to sharpen their combat skills. Protect the stronghold and defeat key enemies.
And then that quest would just kinda echo the stuff I said earlier about the world. (As Maz Koshia defends a Shrine, somewhere Qukah Nata is smugly shouting “Bet you wish ALL of them were protected with a giant mountain now, do ya?)
Also Link and Maz Koshia’s gambit attack involves the Master Cycle. I don’t have the specifics, but damn if I want some call backs to Botw while also having fun.
Impa: Steal Yourself [Yiga Clan Escape]
In an act of pure hatred and malice, the Yiga Clan has snuck into Kakariko Village in the dead of night…and stolen all the Swift Carrots! Impa sets out to get them back, as well as taking something else as a form of swift revenge...Escape before the time runs out.
Ok I can explain.
So you know how the Yiga and the Sheikah have kiiiiinda been murdering each other a bunch in Botw, going as far as to kill a deserter’s wife and threatening to murder his kids, and also people on both sides were sorta massacred for no reason? And alsoooo one of those people who literally lived during that time of the massacre is just kinda floating around now?  And you knooooooooww how the Yiga Clan just kinda joins Zelda’s side later on and we’re not supposed to think about the implications of that too hard because they’re the funny banana ninjas, haha? Yeah well neither Age of Calamity or I really have time to explore the moral grey areas of an alliance between two warring factions, one of which has a leader who doesn’t really seem to remember the reason why they hate Hyrule which brings into question whether the lackeys even know their clan’s history, and brings about the moral dilemma of criminalizing the ignorant, and also there’s the whole other dilemma of depicting the side that submitted to their oppression as being “in the right” and the topic of a race of people being pitted against their own by a higher power is really brushed over sO WE’RE JUST GONNA TOSS ALL THAT OUT THE WINDOW AND MAKE THEM ACT LIKE RIVALLING HIGH SCHOOLS, OKAY? OKAY! This is fine this is fine— 
So I have dubbed the High School mascot of the Sheikah, the Swift Carrot. And although there does seem to be some internal debate about whether the carrot should be replaced by the Fortified Pumpkin, the hero of Hyrule Link favours carrots so that’s that. Then of course, the mascot for the Yiga Clan is the Mighty Banana. The two sides hate each other and steal their food symbols to be petty. I’ll be covering the side quests of Kohga and the other later characters in another later post, but just know that Kohga will have his banana heist sidequest too. 
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So anyhow, you play as Impa. Maybe she can say a piece of dialogue or two about how she has to uphold the image of her people as she has to lead them one day. And then, this side quest is just her retrieving the carrots and running off with the Yiga’s big banana supply before she’s caught. This is based on that “Escape the Yiga Clan” quest if you couldn’t tell.
Custom gambit defeat of Impa vs Kohga: On one hand I think it would be badass to see Impa’s Sheikah skills go up against the Yiga Clan tactics. Kohga summons a giant metal ball to throw, Impa teleports behind him “nothing personal, kid” nO fuck I’m doing it again away goes to swing a blade at his face. He blocks it with his little energy shield thing, but not before an entire conga line of Impa clones start slashing at him until he’s defeated by a giant explosion. So yeah, that’d be badass and cool. But on the other hand…
Kohga, stomping his feet and having a fit: I cARROT believe you would do something this terrible! Give us back those bananas right now! D: ….please? You can keep the gross orange sticks.
Sooga: He asked nicely. You wouldn’t deny the wishes of the most polite and charming Yiga Chief there is, would you?
Impa: No can do, Yiga scum! I’m afraid this cruel action wasn’t veggie nice of you so I must exact justice! Now it’s my time to split. *Impa clones gather and throw Kohga into a giant frog’s mouth. Impa runs off with a sack of fruit [fruit (derogatory) if you will] cackling into the horizon*
Zelda: The Path She Laid For You
The King has order Zelda to head to the Temple of Time, in order to see if anything there could help awaken her powers. Zelda sets off quietly, with minimal company, as not to attract too much attention lest the Town’s folk be hit with another attack. It seems, however, that these precautions won’t be enough...Defeat key enemies
So this is a pure Zelda sidequest, with no other characters except for eggbot because I said so. Starts out normal when SURPRISE! Bunch of monsters appear and Zelda has to whip out her iphone and fight them. 
Also!! Good time for the Hollows to show up, and you know, tell her what a failure she is and all that. Convince her that she's useless and gonna doom everyone. All that good stuff!! It’s just nice to catch up with the villains and see how they’re doing, you know? ‘Sup Hollow Urbosa, last I saw you were barely spitting words in the Lost Woods, and now you’re giving full hard-hitting insults to Zelda’s character and ability? Good for you, Queen, good for you.
So Zelda and a handful of guards are fighting off monsters, and Zelda has to beat the Hollows too. Her gambit dialogue when she defeats Hollows can be stuff like “You’re not the real ___” or something idk, I don’t have a lot of experience with the evil clone trope, I’ve never played Ocarina of Time. But one specific I DO want to highlight is that Zelda uses the nearby Sheikah Tech to defeat the enemies. I find it a bit weird how Zelda just knows how to use those random water canons in the Faron region in later chapters, so we’re just gonna at least set up a pattern so that it makes a bit more sense later. Plus! This is in front of the Great Plateau, AKA Gate Post Town/Garrisons AKA oh lOOK it’s that area where Link and Impa and eggbot first meet in that Impa introduction scene of my rewrite so we have already established that Sheikah Technology is being stored here and ready to use! Continuity in world building! Nice.
So Zelda uses her knowledge of Sheikah Tech to defeat the Hollows, when...dun dun dun! Astor appears. But you don’t fight him...
Astor: Have you listened to one word spoken to you today? Why are you still resisting? Let me help you.
Zelda: And what exactly is your plan? You wish to kill me, then?
Astor: Not quite. I mean, if you do die, there are ways I can manage, so if some stray Yiga blade happens to strike you I’m not completely doomed.
Astor: But no, the most optimal outcome for everyone is the one where you live yet. You must see the truth as I do, and let me fix this. I can undo this terrible knot destiny has thread for you. [and insert other fate sisters and sewing metaphors here]
Zelda: But how? What’s your game here, if you’re truly claiming to be in everyone’s best interest then why all this secrecy?
Astor: Ah...ever the one to look for the facts and logic, hmm? Can’t blame you, you get it straight from your mother.
Zelda: …!
Astor: But...I’m afraid even if I did tell you now, you’re in no state to truly grasp it. No...the only way this works is for you to truly understand the position you're in, and the stakes that hang in the path before you. 
Astor: And if I have to kill every King, Champion, or knight to get you to understand…
Astor: Then so be it. 
[dun dun dun]
Zelda: No! I won’t let you hurt anyone, I swear it!
Eggbot [just pretend eggbot can have dialogue boxes too]: *chirps* 
Astor, suddenly noticing eggbot: ...You…you’re one thing I still don’t—
Eggbot chirps again beside Zelda, both seeming to be angry at Astor’s words. Eggbot releases a glowing flash of light. Kinda like a...flash bang? [is that the right word idk]
Astor: Ah—! *and he teleports away to escape* Astor: Until next time then...Princess
And that’s pretty much the sidequest. Zelda can question what exactly eggbot did, but he’s not exactly the most verbal in responses. Finally it ends with Zelda going home, “He was still right though...I’m still sitting in failure, with not a hint of my powers awakening. All I have is some Sheikah tech, some exhausted shoulders….and well, you, I suppose, little one.”
“Come, it’d be a waste to continue forth in this condition. Let’s go back to the castle.”
Eggbot: *happy whistles and chirps*
= = = = = 
Tune in next time folks, as we dive back into the main event! Needless to say, Chapter 4 is where the shit starts to go down...
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fictionadventurer · 3 years ago
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Father Brown Reread: The Absence of Mr. Glass
The consulting-rooms of Dr Orion Hood, the eminent criminologist and specialist in certain moral disorders, lay along the sea-front at Scarborough, in a series of very large and well-lighted french windows, which showed the North Sea like one endless outer wall of blue-green marble.
I like how the first and second collections both start with a story focusing on a professional detective who’s not Father Brown.
True to form, we’ve got a color word in the first sentence. And not only that--a hypenated color word! You don’t get much more Chesterton than that.
Everything about him and his room indicated something at once rigid and restless, like that great northern sea by which (on pure principles of hygiene) he had built his home. Fate, being in a funny mood, pushed the door open and introduced into those long, strict, sea-flanked apartments one who was perhaps the most startling opposite of them and their master.
Highlighting this because “Fate, being in a funny mood” is a great phrase.
But also because I love when the stories contrast Father Brown’s clumsy, homely shabbiness with characters who look more distinguished and accomplished.
"My name is Brown. Pray excuse me. I've come about that business of the MacNabs. I have heard, you often help people out of such troubles. Pray excuse me if I am wrong."
It’s odd that Father Brown is consulting another detective on this. He doesn’t seem the sort to seek out other help. He usually just winds up on the scene of the crime by accident.
It seems like he should have the confidence to solve the mystery himself.
It seems like the more natural way to bring Hood into the story would be to have the girl approach Dr. Hood and Father Brown just to be at the house for priest reasons before figuring out the mystery.
But maybe Father Brown’s stumped from lack of evidence and doesn’t have the time for an investigation. (Actually paying attention to his priestly duties for once?)
After all, it’s only luck that the crisis that gives them an excuse to investigate the apartment happens two minutes later.
And of course, the whole point of the story is getting this Holmes detective to the same crime scene as Father Brown to contrast their methods, so it doesn’t much matter how he gets there.
And there is a lot of fun in seeing shabby little Father Brown in this professional detective’s immaculate study.
"Oh, this is of the greatest importance," broke in the little man called Brown. "Why, her mother won't let them get engaged." And he leaned back in his chair in radiant rationality.
It’s not a full-fledged Father Brown story unless the mystery is centered on a romance, is it?
A stock Chesterton exchange: foolish-looking character says simple, silly-sounding statement as if it’s the most sensible thing in the world, before being forced to elaborate by a confused listener.
This story gives us Father Brown at his most silly-seeming. Here he’s not just unassuming and sheltered; he seems like one of Chesterton’s holy fools. He hasn’t looked this simple-minded since “The Blue Cross”
"Mr Brown," he said gravely, "it is quite fourteen and a half years since I was personally asked to test a personal problem: then it was the case of an attempt to poison the French President at a Lord Mayor's Banquet.  It is now, I understand, a question of whether some friend of yours called Maggie is a suitable fiancee for some friend of hers called Todhunter.  Well, Mr Brown, I am a sportsman. I will take it on.  I will give the MacNab family my best advice, as good as I gave the French Republic and the King of England--no, better: fourteen years better.  I have nothing else to do this afternoon. Tell me your story."
Sure, he’s a condescending ass, but I can’t help liking this guy. He’s got a good heart and a good sense of humor.
I kind of wish he’d have showed up in at least one or two other stories (preferably with a better end than Valentine).
The little clergyman called Brown thanked him with unquestionable warmth, but still with a queer kind of simplicity. It was rather as if he were thanking a stranger in a smoking-room for some trouble in passing the matches, than as if he were (as he was) practically thanking the Curator of Kew Gardens for coming with him into a field to find a four-leaved clover.
I like this metaphor very much.
Brown is still very, very much the simple little curate of “The Blue Cross”. But with the bumpkin traits turned up to eleven.
I’m very curious about Dr. Hood’s past cases, and how he achieved such renown.
"I told you my name was Brown; well, that's the fact, and I'm the priest of the little Catholic Church I dare say you've seen beyond those straggly streets, where the town ends towards the north.
Yet another parish! How many is this? This seems like the most distant, rural parish that Father Brown has yet had.
And Father Brown’s actually doing some work at it!
He seems to have quite a pocketful of money, but nobody knows what his trade is.  Mrs MacNab, therefore (being of a pessimistic turn), is quite sure it is something dreadful, and probably connected with dynamite. The dynamite must be of a shy and noiseless sort, for the poor fellow only shuts himself up for several hours of the day and studies something behind a locked door.  He declares his privacy is temporary and justified, and promises to explain before the wedding.  
Doesn’t the landlady have a key to the door of her own lodger? Can’t she just demand to look?
British people, I tell you.
Unless the daughter is preventing her from looking, out of respect for her beloved.
And, you know, he does promise to explain, so it’d be rude to just barge in.
So why bother consulting the great detective in the first place? If Todhunter’s really on the up-and-up, he’ll explain eventually, they’ll get engaged, and all will be well.
he is tirelessly kind with the younger children, and can keep them amused for a day on end
Given Todhunter’s chosen profession, this makes perfect sense.
You see, therefore, how this sealed door of Todhunter's is treated as the gate of all the fancies and monstrosities of the 'Thousand and One Nights'.
Another Father Brown mystery built upon a fairy tale atmosphere.
To the scientific eye all human history is a series of collective movements, destructions or migrations, like the massacre of flies in winter or the return of birds in spring. Now the root fact in all history is Race. Race produces religion; Race produces legal and ethical wars. There is no stronger case than that of the wild, unworldly and perishing stock which we commonly call the Celts, of whom your friends the MacNabs are specimens. Small, swarthy, and of this dreamy and drifting blood, they accept easily the superstitious explanation of any incidents, just as they still accept (you will excuse me for saying) that superstitious explanation of all incidents which you and your Church represent.
A lot of the most racist characters in Chesterton are the most educated, scientific and progressive.
Granted, Chesterton does a lot of stereotyping along national lines himself. But usually it’s not with the idea that these differences are bad things. And certainly not with the idea that race is the cause of all war.
the door opened on a young girl, decently dressed but disordered and red-hot with haste. She had sea-blown blonde hair,
Is this the first blonde female love interest in these stories?
They were quarrelling—about money, I think—for I heard James say again and again, 'That's right, Mr Glass,' or 'No, Mr Glass,' and then, 'Two or three, Mr Glass.'
Given the eventual explanation of what’s really happening here, wouldn’t she have heard some other noises (possibly crashing noises?) alongside this?
"I do not think this young lady is so Celtic as I had supposed. As I have nothing else to do, I will put on my hat and stroll down town with you."
Wow, you were really just going to disbelieve her because of her nationality, weren’t you?
Playing-cards lay littered across the table or fluttered about the floor as if a game had been interrupted. Two wine glasses stood ready for wine on a side-table, but a third lay smashed in a star of crystal upon the carpet. A few feet from it lay what looked like a long knife or short sword, straight, but with an ornamental and pictured handle, its dull blade just caught a grey glint from the dreary window behind, which showed the black trees against the leaden level of the sea. Towards the opposite corner of the room was rolled a gentleman's silk top hat, as if it had just been knocked off his head; so much so, indeed, that one almost looked to see it still rolling. And in the corner behind it, thrown like a sack of potatoes, but corded like a railway trunk, lay Mr James Todhunter, with a scarf across his mouth, and six or seven ropes knotted round his elbows and ankles. His brown eyes were alive and shifted alertly.
The clues are laid out very nicely here.
This is one of the most Romantic (in the literary sense of the term) crime scenes in all of fiction. Every clue is as picturesque as possible.
"How to explain the absence of Mr Glass and the presence of Mr Glass's hat? For Mr Glass is not a careless man with his clothes. That hat is of a stylish shape and systematically brushed and burnished, though not very new. An old dandy, I should think." "But, good heavens!" called out Miss MacNab, "aren't you going to untie the man first?"
This entire segment is so funny. I laugh every time one of his long-winded deductions is interrupted by the common-sense demand to untie the man.
Now, surely it is obvious that there are the three chief marks of the kind of man who is blackmailed. And surely it is equally obvious that the faded finery, the profligate habits, and the shrill irritation of Mr Glass are the unmistakable marks of the kind of man who blackmails him. We have the two typical figures of a tragedy of hush money:
So much of the Holmesian deduction process relies on stereotypes, doesn’t it? Sure, Holmes doesn’t label people in “types” quite this way, but it relies on using the evidence to reach the most stereotypical conclusion without factoring in the random possibilities of life. (The suspect might have ink on his hands, but it doesn’t mean he’s a clerk). It’s fun that this story calls out that conceit.
"No; I think these ropes will do very well till your friends the police bring the handcuffs."
Okay, so there’s a sensible explanation for why Hood ignores their cries to untie Todhunter. But it doesn’t make the previous exchanges any less funny to read.
"But the ropes?" inquired the priest, whose eyes had remained open with a rather vacant admiration.
It’s interesting that Father Brown’s actually buying into this. My memory had him being more skeptical of the deductions, but he’s admiring the chain of logic being built here.
It’s kind of a nice change from the usual Chesterton tack of the mouthpiece character disdaining every scientific explanation.
It was not the blank curiosity of his first innocence. It was rather that creative curiosity which comes when a man has the beginnings of an idea. "Say it again, please," he said in a simple, bothered manner; "do you mean that Todhunter can tie himself up all alone and untie himself all alone?" "That is what I mean," said the doctor. "Jerusalem!" ejaculated Brown suddenly, "I wonder if it could possibly be that!"
And we’re off! I always love the moment when Father Brown puts everything together, and it’s especially satisfying here, after he’s spent the whole story sitting back and letting another man do all the detective work.
"His eyes do look queer," cried the young woman, strongly moved. "You brutes; I believe it's hurting him!" "Not that, I think," said Dr Hood; "the eyes have certainly a singular expression. But I should interpret those transverse wrinkles as expressing rather such slight psychological abnormality—" "Oh, bosh!" cried Father Brown: "can't you see he's laughing?"
Each sentence gives a vivid picture of the three different personalities here. The tender-hearted young woman. The too-practical man of science. And the brash common sense of Father Brown.
He shuffled about the room, looking at one object after another with what seemed to be a vacant stare, and then invariably bursting into an equally vacant laugh, a highly irritating process for those who had to watch it.
Irritating to watch, I’m sure, but very amusing to imagine.
"But a hatter," protested Hood, "can get money out of his stock of new hats. What could Todhunter get out of this one old hat?" "Rabbits," replied Father Brown promptly.
I love the hat conversation and these lines in particular.
He was also practising the trick of a release from ropes, like the Davenport Brothers
According to Wikipedia, the Davenport Brothers were an American magician act that toured England in the 1860s. They built on the Spiritualism craze and claimed all their tricks were done by spirit power. There isn’t much about what their tricks wer, (besides a couple of escape tricks and spirit cabinet things). Most of the Wikipedia article is about the many times their tricks were debunked. (Naturally, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle refused to believe they were frauds).
But the mere fact of an idler in a top hat having once looked in at his back window, and been driven away by him with great indignation, was enough to set us all on a wrong track of romance, and make us imagine his whole life overshadowed by the silk-hatted spectre of Mr Glass."
This isn’t so much a debunking of the Holmesian deduction methods as a case study proving why logical deductions have to be built upon sound premises. One mistake at the beginning can send you in a completely false direction.
"You are certainly a very ingenious person," he said; "it could not have been done better in a book.
I love when the characters get meta.
This is a very snide remark in context, but of course Father Brown proves himself.
Mr Brown broke into a rather childish giggle. "Well, that," he said, "that's the silliest part of the whole silly story. When our juggling friend here threw up the three glasses in turn, he counted them aloud as he caught them, and also commented aloud when he failed to catch them. What he really said was: 'One, two and three—missed a glass one, two—missed a glass.' And so on."
I can’t explain how deeply I love that the entire mystery is built on a pun. This one section is the reason this is one of my favorite Father Brown stories.
This drives home the idea that mysteries and jokes are the same types of story. They both require laying out information that’s put together into a surprising conclusion.
There was a second of stillness in the room, and then everyone with one accord burst out laughing.  As they did so the figure in the corner complacently uncoiled all the ropes and let them fall with a flourish.  Then, advancing into the middle of the room with a bow, he produced from his pocket a big bill printed in blue and red, which announced that ZALADIN, the World's Greatest Conjurer, Contortionist, Ventriloquist and Human Kangaroo would be ready with an entirely new series of Tricks at the Empire Pavilion, Scarborough, on Monday next at eight o'clock precisely.
I grew up on cheesy sitcoms. I’m a sucker for the “everyone laughs” ending.
If Todhunter’s willing to admit the truth here, he could have saved himself a lot of trouble by just admitting the truth right away. (I don’t buy the “he keeps it secret to keep his tricks secret” explanation. You can tell people you’d a magician without giving away everything about your act).
Does Mrs. MacNab let them get married? Now she knows he has a harmless vocation, but it’s not exactly a stable one. Would she let her daughter marry a guy so flighty that he can’t even settle on a coherent focus for his own stage show?
Given that the story ends here, we’re supposed to assume that she does. I guess he must be a successful performer--part of her mistrust came from the fact that he had too much money. So he and Maggie should have a comfortable life together.
I’m glad. He seems like a nice young man.
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reading-while-queer · 4 years ago
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Ninth House, Leigh Bardugo
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Rating: Mixed Review Genre: Fantasy, Mystery, Dark Academia Representation: -Bi/pan protagonist -Jewish protagonist -Latina mixed race protagonist Trigger warnings: Sexual assault (in scene), rape (in scene), CSA (in scene), graphic violence, murder, drug use, drug abuse, drugging of another person, overdose, domestic abuse, medical abuse, violence by dogs Note: Not YA
Why is it that every time I read Leigh Bardugo, I love the book with a passion...except for one thing that makes me want to tear my hair out?
Here’s what seriously impressed me about Ninth House, Bardugo’s entry into New Adult. The pacing was phenomenal. The measured, perfectly timed revelations of information had me finding excuses to listen to the audiobook - taking extra neighborhood walks, doing extra loads of laundry - because I was so hooked. Then, there’s the worldbuilding. Bardugo managed to walk a delicate line, successfully suspending disbelief while still asserting that eight Yale secret societies do secret magic rituals to the benefit of the oligarchical capitalist machine (we all kind of suspected this was the case, right?). But the best part of the book, the part that had me recommending Ninth House in more than one group chat, was, of all things, the point-of-view jumps.
Rarely are point-of-view switches the star of the show, but I was so excited to see a genuinely original, intrinsic-to-the-heart-of-the-whole-novel use of that technical tool. The point of view jumps crank the volume up on the theme of the whole book. We start with the main character, Galaxy “Alex” Stern; she is the point-of-view character for the present semester during which the principal action of the novel takes place. Her upperclassman and mentor Daniel Arlington (or “Darlington”) is the point-of-view character for the semester before - all because something happened to Darlington. Alex is telling people he’s doing a “semester in Spain,” and all the reader knows is that her explanation isn’t strictly true. The point-of-view jumps being so strict (there is never an Alex perspective chapter during last semester, and never a Darlington perspective in the present) serves to separate the two characters from each other with a really incredible emotional effectiveness. The heart of the novel, for me as a reader, was yearning for these two to be reunited - and all because Bardugo holds the two character points-of-view separate across an unbreachable temporal divide. It’s a powerfully effective technique.
But let’s backtrack. Alex is a 20-year-old high school dropout from the west coast. As the story progresses, we learn that Alex can see ghosts, which is why, despite never finishing high school or getting her GED - or even applying - Alex is a freshman at Yale - contingent on her joining the secret society called “Lethe House” as apprentice (“Dante”) to the current leader of the society, Darlington (the “Virgil”). Lethe House is the governing body of the eight Yale secret societies that practice the magic that keeps the elite in power. These secret societies make books sell, make T.V. anchors charming and compelling, and open portals to other parts of the world - when they aren’t throwing over the top Halloween parties with magic designed to alter one’s perception of reality.
Darlington, by contrast to Alex, seems to belong at Yale. He’s from an old family, and he’s preppy and well-read. Most of all, he loves Lethe House and its history of keeping the secret societies from harming people in their pursuit of magic and power. That is, until he disappears just in time for Alex, only half-trained, to investigate the murder of a girl on campus.
The first three quarters of the novel are fantastic for the reasons stated above. Bardugo’s approach to mystery writing is effective. We have half a dozen suspects, most of whom, as elite ivy league magicians, are at least guilty of some misdeed. Having all your red herrings end up somewhat culpable anyway is a good way to keep your mystery difficult to solve until the end. We were off to a good start.
Unfortunately, in the end, Bardugo made the all-too-common choice to value “surprise” over the most compelling, satisfying solution. So while the reader doesn’t see the ending coming, that is at the steep cost of the ending not being justified by the rest of the book. Bardugo even has to invent new rules of magic off the cuff to justify the ending. When the rest of the book so painstakingly developed the rules of magic in a way that made sense and never felt overly expository, undoing all that effort feels like a monumental waste. And for what did Bardugo undermine all her hard work? A mystery that the reader won’t have all the clues to solve? It’s really okay - in fact, good - if the reader can puzzle out your story. It means your story has symmetry, internal logic, or perhaps, some sort of message.
This is what had me tearing my hair out. I know exactly how I would have written the ending of Ninth House to be the perfect conclusion to a stunning book. I know exactly what the message should have been. Is it somewhat ridiculous to say that Bardugo misinterpreted the message of her own book? Perhaps. But given the out-of-left-field-ending, the theme of the book ends up being a rather cheaply bought “No matter how traumatized you are, you can be a girlboss” instead of the message that the very structure of the novel itself was pointing to since page one: one of companionship, trust, and restoration (frankly, a better message for a novel with a main character who suffers so much loss and trauma. But, sure, “girl power” is a theme...I guess...)
Here’s what I mean by the structure of the novel itself pointing to a different theme. (Spoiler warning for the rest of this paragraph). Because the point-of-view switches in the first two thirds of the novel were used by Bardugo like two magnets being held apart, the only way to create a feeling of resolution was, so to speak, putting the magnets back together: getting Darlington back into the ���present.” The degree of disconnect between reader expectations and the reality of the book is comparable to picking up a romance novel only to have the two leads decide to just be friends at the end. Bardugo set expectations - akin to genre expectations - but unfortunately Bardugo kneecapped her first book in the service of the sequel.
And then there’s the trauma. Alex’s backstory wouldn’t be the same without some level of trauma; it’s an important part of her character arc. Even the explicit presence of sexual assault on the page was justified in the case of Alex’s backstory - and I think that is rarely true. But when it came to a side character’s explicit in-scene rape, which was used as a clue in the broader murder mystery rather than treated as a crime in its own right, that tipped me over into feeling the trauma in Ninth House was more excessive than necessary for character development. The resolution to that side character’s rape is oddly cartoonish - like an over-the-top prank rather than justice - and again, the only reason the rape happens to the character is to give Alex more information she needs to solve the plot. Maybe that wouldn’t bother some readers, but for me, a book has to bend over backwards to justify showing me a character being raped. Bardugo does well earlier in the book when depicting Alex’s assault; the assault is the explanation for why Alex doesn’t view magic with the same childish excitement as the rest of Yale, and it’s part of what holds her apart from the entitled secret societies. It needed to be in the book. Everything else was gratuitous.
That said, there’s one thing still to address in this roller coaster of a review, and that is: wait, is this a queer book? I had gone into it assuming that it would be, mostly because all my queer friends were reading it. And the answer is….kind of? Knowing Bardugo’s history with putting queer characters in her books, I’m going to assume she wasn’t baiting when she had Alex claim to have loved a girl in her backstory. Which, in the context of the rest of the novel, would make Alex bi or pan. As a book that a lot of queer fans of Bardugo’s YA have read, or will read, it feels appropriate to review it here.
This was a mixed review from start to finish, but to finish up: if you are thinking about reading Ninth House, go for it! There is so much to like about this book. Take to heart that if you read and liked Bardugo’s handling of sexual assault in her YA titles, you should be prepared to be surprised by Ninth House. It is not the same. I would not have called her handling of sexual assault in Six of Crows, for instance, restrained - but compared to Ninth House, it absolutely is. Despite my strongly worded feelings about the ending, Bardugo left room to redeem herself in the sequel (which, if you ask me, is why the ending was so bad in the first place...). I for one will definitely be reading the sequel the second it comes out.
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vampiresuns · 4 years ago
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Portrait Of The Lawyer As A Young Man
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3k words. All of Julianus’ life has been about fulfilling social expectations. Not any more.
Note: This fic contains some time changes. They’re all separated but they’re not linear. This pieces art is the cover of the centennial edition of James Joyce’s ‘Portrait of the Artist As A Young Man’.
CW: Superficial discussions of unhealthy family dynamics.
The song for this piece is Expectations by Belle & Sebastian. Saoirse, Meredith and the Crew of The Jagged Ruby belongs to @apprenticealec​.
Part 4 of Secrets Of An Ancient Moon series; you can read the rest of it here.
Dusk fell in the sky making the colours of the water change. Meredith whistled at Jules to get their attention, calling them aside. When they reached port again in four days, they’d reach Jules’ original destination, marking the end of their voyages in The Jagged Ruby. Julianus didn’t need Meredith to tell them this, they already knew: they had been counting the days obsessively, watching them slip by as they found a chance to speak to the Captain.
Meredith had found them first. It was now or never.
“Hopefully this,” Meredith said, raising the legal study Julianus had made for her a couple of months ago, “will help us with our Syd problem. I’m not going to pat you in the back, Sanlaurento, so just let me say this: you’ve got it in you, you’re a pain in my ass, I hope whoever opposes you in a court shit themselves. Now, leave.”
When Meredith looked back up, Jules was still there, looking at them with a frown and an intensity which the Captain had seen in them before, but never directed at them. Jules had been travelling with them for months. When they had manifested on the ship to become Meredith’s personal pest and unlikely legal advisor, the Quinquennial meeting was in the long term future still, they had time for it. Now, the meeting would happen in three months.
In all that time, Meredith had had time to watch them, even if they didn’t want to. She hated to admit it, but the asshole had guts. J.C. was clever, a fast learner, and seemed to know themselves well enough to anticipate their shortcomings. Analytical and strong-willed, in other circumstances they’d make an excellent addition to the crew.
They learnt the basics of sailing faster than Meredith had given them credit for, their basic knowledge of sword-fighting was getting honed by the week. They had never taken a shot against an actual person, but their aim had gotten notoriously better. Julianus got treats for the crew if you left them unsupervised, and somehow, always, found someone to help with legal advice, no matter were they were.
So yes, Meredith had seen that intensity before. She’d seen it when they put themselves between a vendor and a guard, suddenly carrying more presence and even a slight high-society touch to the way they conducted themselves. She’d seen it whenever they tried, again and again, to perfect something, never expecting to be handed anything. She’d seen it whenever they talked about Injustice, or the Sea Palace, or Freedom, or People.
It all shone through, even through the many flaws or annoyances Meredith saw in their character — anxious, irritable, high-horsed, mysterious for no damn reason.
“I said leave, why are you still here.”
“Meredith?”
The Captain raised an eyebrow. Sanlaurento never addressed her without an honorary.
“I didn’t remember us being friends— You smooch my quartermaster and…” Meredith stopped, a grimace overtaking her face. “This is about them, isn’t it. No, I’m not having a heart to heart about fucking Saoirse with you. Sanlaurento, I’m still your fucking Captain.”
“No, it’s not about Saoirse. It’s about me.”
“Right, because that’d make me care.”
J.C. frowned back at Meredith, trying to resist the urge to roll his eyes but failing to do so. “Even if they are a factor in my considerations. I’m well aware that if I talked to them, I could manage to see them anywhere and write to them even, given they write to Jacqui all the time.”
“If you’re going to talk anyway, at least do me the favour of going to the point, Sanlaurento.”
“Captain, I want to stay.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
The sky was clear in the island of Sirenia, a cool late winter evening as Sanlaurento walked around a patio in a black, formal attire, with a green jacket with golden buttons. 
“You’ll do great, stop worrying. You already did great in your dissertation.”
“But my dissertation was just me talking about International affairs.”
“One last viva, and you’ll be a lawyer.” 
Julianus exhaled. “You’re right, one last viva. This ends today.”
“Did someone Come with you?”
“No.”
Their friend snorted. “You didn’t tell anyone about today, didn’t you?”
Feigning disinterest so the conversation could end, they looked over some handwritten diagrams.
Julianus sighed. “Actually, this time I did.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
“Do I have to apply to the Sea Palace? I know I said I wanted to, but I don’t know any more.”
“Of course, Cleo,” their mother said, “it’s the best academic institution around, you might have a chance. You lose nothing by trying”
“They were weird though, you know? Off. Like, they give me a bad feeling.”
Their mother no longer sounded patient when she spoke: “You’re going to have to let go of turning down opportunities at every chance you don’t like everyone in front of you, or everyone in front of you doesn’t automatically think you’re brilliant. Besides, you insisted, and this is a matter about your education, your safety and your future. You’re applying.”
Julianus tensed, curling their toes inside their shoes, trying to ball them like they would their hands. They couldn’t ball them into fists right now, that’d give them away. If they gave themselves away, their mother’s reaction would be worse. “It’s not— that’s not—”
They exhaled, giving up. “You’re right, Mama.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
In their 27 years, Julianus had been called a lot of things.
Weird by their classmates, dense by their parents. Unnecessarily complicated, dramatic, attention seeking, stupid. All of them also by their parents who said things in annoyance and in anger without measuring any reaction, nor waiting for any explanation. Stupid, perhaps, was the funniest.
They never called them Julianus, only ‘Cleo’, too, to the point their mother often said they made a mistake in choosing their first name.
Their Cleo was a lot of things but never what they themself said they were. ‘Intelligence’ was arrogance, ‘mistakes’ stupidity, or worse, something unforgivable; a lack of consideration for everyone around them and the marking of their mother in their failure to raise a child who wanted to do anything with her. 
Too loud, too quiet, too stiff, too needy, too this, too that, too weird, too feminine, too masculine, too much.
Academic settings were different. One of the few places they had some control over themself. Yes, their classmates might’ve thought them closed off, weird and even a bit of a “lunatic” when they were growing up, but their classmates also knew they were passionate about defending what they loved, including their friends. A willing ear to listen, offering food, advice and comfort to whomever asked, without thinking too much about it. Quick to rile up but never one to deny help. Their teachers and professors always knew they tried, that they wanted to learn, that they wanted to go to further, deeper horizons. 
Their own self, learning and what they could do with that education was their constant ongoing project. Their poems and stories, a constant conversation with the world. Not self-centredness, not absent-mindedness.
Only twice they had been told in academic settings that they weren’t enough. One was in the Sea Palace. The scholars called them an histrionic, low-pedigree charming but insubstantial kid, with poorly honed magic and more enthusiasm than capacity. Others worked better, others could sit still for longer, others had more steady grades — not the valleys of those subjects which did not interest them, with good but unremarkable grading, versus the stellar records of those subjects which obsessed them needlessly. A nice attempt, but a definitive rejection. 
The other was in that last Viva Voce in Firent. It hadn’t gone terribly, they had passed, but with meagre first level honours in comparison to their full honours approved dissertation. They were expecting to do worse, that was true. They weren’t expecting to have three examiners who did not let them finish a single explanation, one even laughing at their face for asking for a question to be clarified. 
“If you keep this way, I doubt you will have it in you to be a good jurisconsult,” one of them had said.
Julianus had looked at them with icy, saccharine sweetness, eyes like daggers and making apologies they didn’t mean as they took their diploma. They left the room thinking what did they know? What did any of these people know about Julianus Cleopatra, who wasn’t born with the Surname Sanlaurento, but had chosen it anyway? Nothing. They knew nothing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
Julianus had never been in many places they belonged.
The night was clear as The Ruby made its way through the waters in the night.
“What about you?”
“Yeah, Jay, tell us a story. All you do is work, kid. Grab a glass! Cut yourself some slack from those books, lest your vision becomes worse.”
Julianus couldn’t see why not. With a bright smile on their face, they grabbed a glass of beer, before joining the Crew that was lounging around on the deck, enjoying the night. 
“Does it have to be something I’ve heard, or does it have to be an original?”
“Right! Saoirse did say you wrote.”
Julianus blinked. “Saoirse mentioned me?”
An echo of warm laughter rang between the crew. Someone patted their back. “You’ve got it bad for the Quartermaster, don’t you? But tell us your story.”
"My story?” They snorted. “Oh, you don’t want to listen to that.”
After taking a drink, they let their own play on words slide, and chose a story to tell. “You know how they say that those who are the most impertinent have the best chance. Well, this cabin boy risked it all for a venture in a ship from the northern seas, whose flag it was under was at war with an Empire. The cabin boy, well, we’ll call them boy, had been searching for a place to fulfil their ambitions, and saw in this ship the right chance. The kind of person who wished to be remarkable, and do what’s right
“So one day, the ship runs into an enemy ship. Goes the Captain and says: ‘If we fight them, this ship might be sunk and we might not live the night’. So goes the cabin boy, who had developed a fondness for this ship; the fondness one does when one loves a place, but the place does not love one back, and yet one clings to the nostalgia of the good things. The cabin boy did not realise this yet, so the cabin boy goes and says: ‘If I time it right, I could sink it.’
“Though often trifled with silencing commands, the cabin boy was intelligent and daring so the cabin boy repeated: ‘If I time it right I could sink it. Was this not why I trained all these years as a cabin boy?’ 
“The Captain said: ‘No, you are just a cabin boy’, but at the insistence of our protagonist, the Captain said: ‘If you destroy that ship, I will give you silver and likewise gold, here in this very sea, and I will give you my only daughter for you to marry, if you make a renowned Captain out of me—’”
The story was not a happy one. It was a story of betrayal and disappointed hopes. It finished with the cabin boy, who making himself one with the night, went to sink the enemy ship, under the very noses of the unsuspecting crew. Yet, when the cabin boy came back and demanded their acknowledgement, the Captain denied them. Though the cabin boy had no interest in claiming the bounty, the Captain had not expected them to live, but fearing the Cabin Boy would take the credit and disrupt the order of things, the Captain slew them, and the sea took them in. 
Someone gasped with indignation. “And no one aided the cabin boy?”
“No.”
“Did the Captain kill them then?”
“That’s for you to decide.” 
“So the cabin boy didn’t die? Or did they?”
“In a way. It’s less about physical death, though it can be about it.”
“Isn’t this the Raleigh story?”
“Of the Golden Vanity?” Said Sanlaurento with a smirk. “Perhaps, but everyone tells it differently.
“If you don’t make it as a law person, I say you become a writer.”
Julianus laughed. “Why not both?”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
The last time Julianus Sanlaurento had seen their parents was when they sailed off to an apprenticeship. There had been no grand goodbyes, no heartfelt words. They had all fought around a week before, and J.C. was not yet forgiven. It was, perhaps, one of the biggest fights they had had with them, and the memory of it, along with the cold shoulder they were given would cling to them for some more time.
Nothing was worse than the hypocrisy, though. Or the pity. Too much to everyone around them, a brilliant child when they weren’t in the room.
Before they left, their father had pulled them aside to tell them they were brilliant, and that they were proud. Jules had wanted to say thank you, and just thank you, from the bottom of his heart, but they couldn’t, not after last week. Instead, they said:
“You always say that, until I’m brilliant in a way which neither of you like even if you still let me do it. You’ll hate this, but I don’t exist comfortably anywhere, and perhaps, I’ll never exist comfortably here.”
“That’s not our fault, Cleo.”
“It’s not about whose fault is it— it’s— you know what, Dad? Nevermind.”
Their only comfort was Maricus, whom they clung to at night when they were alone in their quarters, with only their things, their cat and an acceptance letter as they realised they were completely, and utterly alone. They were alone, that was true, but at least, they were themself and they had had enough.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 
Not wanting to try the Captain further after she dismissed them, Julianus retreated to the crew’s quarters. They sat against the wall nearest to their bed — if one could call a hammock a bed — picked up their notebook and began writing. They wanted to be left alone, so they buried their nose in their writing.
They didn’t expect seeing Saoirse when they looked up, leaning against a column as they watched them write. 
“Raleigh again?”
“No, I’m leaving the fictional man rest for a minute or two.”
“Meredith told me you were staying.” At this, Jules stopped writing. “Said you were on permanent crew member probation until you defended your case and your position in Ethari. Then, if she didn’t change her mind, she’ll make you try as a permanent member of the crew, if you also haven’t changed your mind about it.”
Saoirse snorted. “If I was told I’d meet a human like you a year ago, I would’ve thought the person telling me such was drunk.”
Julianus raised an eyebrow at them, wanting to ask what that was supposed to mean, but Saoirse’s eyes were full of tenderness when they met them.
“Meredith also told me you asked. Did you because of me?”
“No,” Jules said as they closed their notebook, standing up to stretch their legs. “I don’t want to part from you, that’s true, I care… a lot about you, and I hope you care about me just the same. I don’t want to stop seeing you everyday, and I don’t want to stop kissing you everyday, and I don’t want to stop learning from and about you. I haven’t mastered the language yet, and there’s more of the Code to study, there’s so many things I haven’t done yet, but it’s not about you, it’s about me.”
Saoirse watched them as silence fell between them, Julianus’ dark eyes looking everywhere but at them. When they did look back at Saoirse's ice-blue ones, their eyes were clouded with tears. “This isn’t quite it, either, but do you know what’s like feeling you’re unwanted everywhere? Because who you are has a big red ‘wrong’ sign attached to it?
“I just don’t want to go. I see, I can see a future here, and I think I’ve been in enough places where I have been unwanted, or wanted wrong, for me to deserve to have a shot at the future I say I want to have. Not the future I was supposed to have by whomever thinks knows me better than I know me.”
Out of all the reactions Saoirse could’ve had, J.C. wasn’t expecting them to stop leaning on their column, and open their arms for them. 
Their smile was just as tender as their eyes. “I know you enough to know that if I ask if you want a hug, you’ll say no, but in about five seconds you’ll change your mind.”
Jules’ half laughed, half sobbed. Unable to fight Saoirse’s logic they closed the distance between them, wrapping their arms around their waist, as they felt Saoirse’s arms sling under their arms to hold them close and safe between their arms. Like they were protecting them — from what? Neither of them knew; neither of them asked.
Instead, Jules was happy to bury their face against Saoirse’s chest, taking in the smell of them mixed with linen of their shirt. Saoirse’s cheek rested against the top of their head, only moving to plant a kiss there.
“Julie?” Saoirse said. “I know more about cages than you’d think.”
“I never said anything of—”
“You don’t have to say it for me to know. Before I was what I am now, I was in one, so to speak. Trapped, perhaps, is a better word. Cages all look different, but they all feel the same. There are no cages here, you deserve better than that.”
“I know, I know that now.”
“Can I kiss you?”
“Only if you keep calling me ‘Julie’.”
“Were you never told not to make deals with strange Gods?” 
As they spoke, Saoirse brushed their lips against theirs, themselves an offering for Julianus to chase. Chase them they did, pressing their lips against Saoirse’s over and over again. 
“You’re not a strange God. Or rather, you’re not a stranger to me… You know? You don’t have to tell me what you were before, but I will say this: whomever decided to trap you, is or was a fucking coward.”
Saoirse laughed, the sound ringing around the room on its own accord. Soon enough, Jules found themself laughing too.
No, of course they didn’t want to go. 
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calitraditionalism · 4 years ago
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Arc Three: Chapter Two
(AO3 counterpart here.)
The entire group was silent for what it seemed like was forever before they eventually reached a small grove, just in time for the rain to peter out. A pocket in the clouds revealed the moon, turning everything into silver and black silhouettes, droplets sparkling like tiny moon shards.
“We ought to pause here,” Darkpelt said, and her voice was like a shout in the quiet.
Redheart sighed almost under her breath. “This is far enough from the settlement, yes.” She turned around and gestured. “If everyone can-“
“What did you mean?” Littlepaw blurted. “What’s StarClan really?”
Redheart stayed patient. “We can explain once we’re settled.”
“Not that being settled will help at all,” Beetlefoot muttered.
Greyleaf narrowed his eyes. “You have no idea how right you are.”
The silence resumed momentarily as everyone positioned themselves so that they were in a loose ring. Redheart still looked exhausted, and Greyleaf on the verge of fight-or-flight. An uneasy air needled through all of their damp fur and caused their skin to prickle.
“I don’t mean to put any pressure on you,” Darkpelt said with a weaponized casualness, “but I won’t hesitate to help in your capture unless you explain yourself thoroughly. And perhaps after that, depending on how crazy you are.”
“We should arrest them now,” Beetlefoot snapped. “They caused a death and a lot of trouble.”
Surprisingly, Littlepaw gave him a sharp look. “I want an explanation, too.”
“Go on,” Mistface said before Beetlefoot or anyone else could speak. “You’ve got a story. Tell it.”
Redheart, looking relieved for the prompt, lifted her chin high and sat down. “As I said, StarClan is a monster. It’s not a group of our ancestors – it’s already devoured them.”
“That’s all it wants,” Greyleaf growled. He was still standing. “To eat souls. It’s had us all under its paw for generations, swallowing up everyone who goes to it thinking it’s the afterlife. That’s why we have it so good. If we’re complacent, it’ll get more of us to gorge on.”
Complete silence. Awkward, doubtful looks were exchanged. Mistface could see Flyfang internally trying to find a polite way to call the two of them insane. He didn’t blame her; it was just because he knew Greyleaf well enough that he wasn’t immediately passing this off as crazy ramblings built from a lifetime of nightmares.
He was considering that as an option, though.
“Brother-“ he started.
“You don’t believe us,” Greyleaf interrupted, suddenly and alarmingly aggressive. “Fine. We didn’t expect you to. So let me explain some things to all of you.”
Redheart seemed just as surprised as Mistface felt when Greyleaf broke through the circle and stood in the middle, turning back and forth to look at everyone as he spoke.
“Here’s some things that don’t make sense,” he said. “Why do we have it so good here? Why aren’t there any predators around to pick us off? Why is nothing a struggle beyond a slightly long walk?” He suddenly got angrier, tail lashing to one side. “Really think about that. Does any other place in the world have it so well as we do, for absolutely no reason? Why are we so special that we get paradise? And the prey! How do we have so much? It makes no sense!”
Mistface tried again. “Greyleaf, listen-“
“No, you listen!” Greyleaf whirled around to face him with such force that for a split second Mistface was afraid he was going to be struck. “I’m trying to break this down for you! Do you know how much prey one cat eats in a day? More than you’d think!”
Laurelclaw was the one to speak now. “What-“
“Three to five meals!” Greyleaf shouted over him. “We all eat enough to get as fat as a kittypet, every single day! And how many cats are in this Territory? Hundreds, at least! That’s an uncountable amount of mice and squirrels and birds that need to produce babies daily just to keep up the numbers! And yet there’s plenty of prey to go around, right?” He looked back at Mistface, fur bristling. “Plenty of full-grown animals! We never need to go after their young! We never even see their young!”
Mistface opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
“It doesn’t make sense!” Greyleaf was pacing now, his claws digging into the mud. “We should have starved years ago! Generations ago! We should have all died out after being forced to eat each other!”
Redheart winced and shuddered.
“Greyleaf, you’re not hearing yourself.” Flyfang’s ears went back. “We have the prey StarClan gives us-“
“That-“ Greyleaf jerked his head to look at her now and she flinched. “That is my point! Weird how we have so much prey from StarClan, isn’t it? Life doesn’t come from wishes and dewdrops! You need a soul for there to be life! And there’re only so many souls you can use! Where do those souls come from? Where? If normal prey souls return to normal prey, then where does StarClan get special souls to give to all the created prey we eat to survive? You can't just make something from nothing!”
No one said anything. Something very dark and horrible started tapping its claws on the back of Mistface’s mind, but a defensive sort of confusion blocked what it was whispering to him.
Greyleaf took a shaky breath and turned slowly, eyeing everyone. “But there’s plenty of cat souls, aren’t there? So many of us being born every day, some of which don’t make it to old age. And that prey, that’s made for us by StarClan… prey that’s clumsy on its feet, and slow, and confused…”
The tapping claws began to scrape. The voice crept over the blockade and murmured in Mistface’s ear.
“Don’t even need the whole thing, do we?” Greyleaf went on. The angry expression was giving way to utter terror. “They’re fat, sure, but they’re nice and small. And they’ll just come right on back in no time, won’t they? Won’t miss a thing.”
“What are you saying?” Flyfang asked, in a voice that made it very clear that she already knew and was dreading the answer.
Redheart shut her eyes painfully. “StarClan doesn’t just eat our souls. It uses them to grow larger and stronger, so it can keep eating, and keep growing. It can do whatever it wants with what it has.” She swallowed thickly. “Such as tear a soul to pieces and send it back down to us as food.”
The reaction was immediate – Laurelclaw and Littlepaw cried out in shock, Beetlefoot took a step back with wide eyes, Flyfang flinched and hissed, and Mistface’s mouth dropped even further.
“You’re insane,” Beetlefoot said, voice cracking. “You’ve both gone insane. StarClan wouldn’t do that- no one can do that-“
“You haven’t been paying attention,” Darkpelt said suddenly.
All eyes went to her. She was standing stiffly, and her eyes were large with her pupils constricted like she was staring into the sun, but her voice was calm and steady.
“StarClan wants as many of us as possible,” she said. “That’s how it feeds itself. Right?”
“Yes,” Redheart said wearily.
“So recycling bits of souls to keep a growing population fed is the perfect way to get back more than you put in.” Darkpelt’s tail shivered. “With three cats, you take one dead one and split it up how you need to. That creates at least three or four meals, and then the soul comes back to you however many times you use it. Then those three cats have kits, and then they die, and you have three souls to use to feed those litters. Then those litters have litters, and…”
“No, this…” Laurelclaw was shaking. “It can’t- it’s too horrible to be true.”
“Oh, you think that’s horrible!” Greyleaf gave a half-deranged laugh that was more like a snarl. “We're not done yet! What about everyone who doesn’t get to come back down here to be killed and eaten? What happens to them while they’re stuck in this thing’s- in whatever passes for its stomach?” He started pacing again. “Some of them come back down whole, and they get to be stuck in a leader’s body when they get nine lives! Sure, fatten up a rare treat or eight! Worth it for how many other souls it gets to devour!”
“Our leaders are being possessed?!” Littlepaw cried.
“Wrong!” Greyleaf turned to her. “They’re doing the possessing! Smothering what remains of those souls so they get to live a little longer! What about the rest? What do they get to do?” His eyes bore down on the apprentice as he took several steps towards her. “You were a seer apprentice, right? Remember how a cat that was long dead always came to you in dreams? Remember how it was the same cat all the time? Remember how they told you you’re safer here than anywhere else?”
Littlepaw stared back at him, starting to shake, her eyes bulging with realization.
“Greyleaf,” Redheart said quietly.
At once, Greyleaf backed up a couple steps, giving Littlepaw some room and breaking the eye-lock. Redheart moved to stand beside him, changing who was looking at Littlepaw now.
“StarClan is massive, and it’s clever.” She was mellower than Greyleaf, and much more morose. “It knows how to make you the most comfortable in your dreams. Whatever cat will put you at ease, have you stay complacent, it will send a visage of to you. No one else comes, is that right?”
Littlepaw seemed to remember something, and said weakly, “The other day, I had a nightmare where something dark in the distance told me that ‘it’ wanted me to think I’d woken up. And the cat- the cat I always saw, Meliclight- she wasn’t acting right, and then she was screaming…”
“You didn’t tell me about this!” Flyfang turned to her in shock. “When did this happen?”
Littlepaw didn’t quite look Flyfang’s way. “Two or three days ago. I thought it was just a nightmare, but then… Redheart, what she said, it made something light up in my head…”
“What dark thing did you see?” Redheart asked, gentle.
“I- I don’t know.” Littlepaw’s voice leveled a tiny bit as she thought. “It could have been a cat, but it was so vague and like a shadow.”
“Oh, for-“ Greyleaf tossed his head up to the sky, exasperated. “They did it again.”
“Who did what?” Beetlefoot sounded both testy and worried.
“The Runagate visited you,” Redheart replied to Littlepaw.
“The Runagate?” Laurelclaw almost squeaked. “The demon?”
Greyleaf looked back down to scowl at Laurelclaw. “They’re not a demon. They’re the farthest thing from. They’re trying to save us from a demon. Always have been.”
“The only soul StarClan can’t catch,” Redheart said softly. “And they’ve been running around the Territory warning us as well as they can. No one believes, because StarClan always manages to hide the truth.” The faintest tremor went through her body. “But not from us. Not from me. The Runagate is why I even had the chance to start this plan to leave in the first place.”
Again, it was silent. Mistface watched everyone’s tense bodies, raised fur, stiff tails and horrified expressions. Despite not feeling any better himself, he forced himself to relax.
“So how did this happen?” he said. “How did y’all learn about this, Runagate or otherwise? And how do you know it’s all true?”
Redheart and Greyleaf looked at each other. Then Redheart nodded and returned her gaze to the other six cats.
“I should start,” she said. She took a breath, shut her eyes as if reliving a painful memory, and opened them again. “It begins with a death."
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sanoiro · 4 years ago
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Lucifer Meta Post - Tether Me
I have seen and read many meta flying around regarding this song but none seemed to satisfy me. On the contrary this is a song that downright confused me since I watched the episode, therefore the circulating explanations or meta given were not enough for me. I’ll not say they are without merit, they are just not clicking the right way with my mindset of all things Lucifer. 
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Since August I’ve wondered why they didn’t reverse the songs between 5x05 and 5x06 meaning why they didn’t use ‘This Year’s Love’ for the ending of 5x06? It would have made sense I thought albeit it would also be cheesy. On the other hand, the commitment that was expressed and the step taken in 5x05 while Chloe comes to her realisation that they chose each other makes that song quite perfect. Especially as it echoes the 3x23 scene and kiss. 
In 5x05 Chloe manages to take down the killer on her own - albeit with Amenadiel’s help - in the same way she uncovered the killer in 3x23 with Charlotte’s aid. Both episodes then end with the party who comes to a groundbreaking realisation to seek the other. In 3x23 Lucifer comes to Chloe while in 5x05 Chloe goes to the Penthouse to find Lucifer.  
“If you do not need me you are working with me all this time because you want to. Because you choose to. You did choose me.” - Lucifer 3x23
Then Lucifer goes on, that he was procrastinating to face the present as he was afraid of his feelings, that Chloe wanted him because she had seen only certain sides of him and if she knew all of him she would run. Yes, Chloe did ran but from Season 4 we see that the same issue happens with Chloe and it also manifests spectacularly in 5x03 and in 5x05. 
Is she a mere human that one day Lucifer will realise she is not worth it? The fact she is a miracle is that the only thing of value she has? Is the rest of her that insignificant that her existence and her relationship with Lucifer is based on the grounds she was designed for him, meaning that there will be another toy or distraction in the near or far future for him? Toys after all are meant to be played, used to promote growth and knowledge and sooner than later are disposed in storage or a bin. Learning experiences are not meant to be revisited when sucessful and as a parent Chloe knows that. 
All the above are relevant believe me. 
And now back in 5x05. 
“His theory is that you choose to be vulnerable around me.[...] If you choose to be vulnerable around me then I chose to be vulnerable around you.” - Chloe 5x05
Now this is what leads us to the use of “Tether Me” as the chosen song in the sex scene of 5x06. 
As a form of habit I always go back to AGN a fic, not really worth your time, but since day one I knew how it would end. Lucifer in the comics #75 (last one) - of the first and original series - says that “Perhaps this is the ultimate freedom, eh Dream Lord? The freedom to leave.” 
In a twist of words and due to life experiences I thought to turn the tables a bit there and say that the ultimate freedom sometimes is the freedom to stay. 
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Lucifer as a series has explored free will and freedom a lot and we were always so fixated with the concept that freedom is a synonym of breaking free, of getting away, running. But since S2 when Lucifer in 2x14 came back to Chloe despite knowing she was a miracle and directly connected to him, in his opinion, we see that freedom in the end was not of him being liberated by this manipulation but setting his own terms into the situation by deciding to stay. 
The same thing happened with Chloe in S4. She stayed in Lucifer’s life despite his relationship with Eve and his internal and external Devilness and as we saw guilt manifestation. So now we can take the concept of “Tether Me” on a whole new level. Shall we? 
First of all. Tether Me. 
The definition here is to practically bind someone. But they are bound out of will and so the freedom they seek is through the commitment they make on their own terms, time and ways to express it. 
The physical connection as has been said before surely, is not just about sex. Many opt to forget or disregard the fact that Lucifer stayed celibate for thousands of years in Hell and then when he came on Earth he never sought a companion as he had done every time he visited Earth for millennia. Not even when he believed his time on Earth was limited and his relationship with Chloe impossible to progress. 
The fact the above is always brushed aside bothers me as it shows not just Lucifer’s emotional state but also his maturity and commitment on an ‘idea’ and a person. For the first time his coping mechanism for an emotional attachment through carnal gratification is rejected because the alternative is more fulfilling even though the consummation on any level up to 5x05, is deemed improbable. 
Lucifer emotionally and spiritually, as we may say, like Chloe since the end of Season 4 have, on a basic level, bound themselves to the person they love. They willingly surrendered not the option of being with someone else but their whole entity to the one they loved. 
But many poets have praised love stories that were never consummated or were led to tragic endings like Romeo and Juliet as they brought forward a commitment that lacked the difficulties and grind of what may come next. It is why such love stories, see the Titanic one, are viewed as pure and everlasting. That was Deckerstar before 5x06. 
In 5x06 the bounding each character experienced as an individual on the mode of surviving external pressures and grief, now turns to a new entity of two joined parts. 
As Lucifer and Chloe decide to take the leap we listen to the singer singing “Tether Me”. 
On a very simple way we can say that at that moment both characters stake their claim and on a cognitive BDMS level they allow the other to vine them. Do not mistake it as surrendering. They both equally maintain their identity but they commit to something that started since Season 1. 
In Season 1, Lucifer asked if Chloe trusted him and she said yes. Now in 5x06 we see that trust blooming. 
As characters, Chloe and Lucifer could never commit. Chloe in Season 1 lamented over the fact that Dan was not committed to his family as he was too preoccupied with his job but throughout the seasons we see that her commitment had to do with loosing her ground and allowing to be patronised in many ways. She believed that allowing her partners to take control over some aspects of her life, like with Dan in 3x11 where he was an authoritative/mentoring figure and then Marcus in the same way she was committing to that relationship. It is also interesting how she stopped doing that once Lucifer entered her life. 
Lucifer told her to trust her gut, he didn’t question her authority although he did go his way when he wanted to. When Chloe was backsteping for him he didn’t walk over that space albeit for several reasons. Her silly attitude in 2x12 was met with mistrust while in 4x08 he was truthful on how he was tired of being placed in a pedestal or be expected to act a certain way. 
So from Chloe’s side, her relationship with Lucifer in 5x05 finally reaches the point where as a person she does not back down to accommodate him and that is cherished because there is a difference between settling things as couple and letting others degrade you for a relationship to work. It is also why Deckerstar in a way it’s a healthy relationship despite all its ups and downs. 
Lucifer on the other hand as we have seen since Season 1 he has been very assertive to his sexual relationships but in the kisses of 2x11 and 3x23 he let Chloe set the pace. The only time he initiated a kiss due to the circumstances it was in 4x10. Now in 5x05 we see both of them start their decision to progress their relationship to a sexual one. 
For a being that constantly fled any form of commitment and abhorred notions of surrendering power and control it is interesting to see his choices in 5x06. First of all if we go back to his sexual history we shall see for example how his lovers in 2x14, were all describing a person who took control in the bedroom as he knew their desires and became a tool to fulfill them. You cannot have an emotional connection to a tool as you may very well know hence why none of Lucifer’s lovers ever looked back or would ever be willing to kill for him. Additionally in 3x13, it’s interesting of how Lucifer exhibits himself as a giver to the Korean mob boss. A tragic self-awareness if we want to be honest. 
We can say that Lucifer is mainly a pleaser but at the same time he rebels when he is enforced or constricted by something. It is why like the song describes (Pull me back, out of my body I'm tied to my limbs They're spinning me out of control) being bound to yourself gives out this sense of vibration, where you want to be set free but also cocooned into a blanket of security. Because sometimes it’s not about setting a person open like a starfish but making sure to sooth their violent tremors and let them rest than be painfully rigid. 
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Now let’s follow the rest of the lyrics. 
In the corners of my mind Long forgotten, lost in time Turning stones to look for light It's dark out here in the dead night
Always in my perception of things, the theory of relativity is prominent here in my opinion. It’s about time and how when we are alone time seems unclear, passing but it creates a still numbness, overthinking and we are getting lost in a self-constructed mind maze. Basically what has happened to our characters througout the seasons. While they doubt themselves, trying to find a meaning behind each other’s reactions and decisions and even the world they live in. 
The ‘light’ part, for me at least, it’s a synonym of time. Of change and change often brings hope and progress. I mean progress is based on the concept that time exists and is passing so everything can only move forward whether they like it or not, but where can you find light and thus time when you are in a state of self-isolation from your wants and feelings? 
So in 5x06 we see Lucifer and Chloe stretching out only to let the other in. Their awareness of freedom is having the other in their arms, to emotionally and physically consume them until there is no clear indication they were once two separate beings, but careful we are talking about their emotional connection. As I have aforementioned, they retain their attributes as individuals and as we see in 5x07 they word and respect each other for that. About what is shared and how a relationship is not the end of ones self but neither the surrendering of everything that makes you unique. 
Change is never easy and never slowly paced and it is why the line of the lyrics: 
For a moment, I was gone. Speed of light right to the red dawn. 
For me it’s when the clock starts ticking from both ends without that meaning it’s a countdown. Mornings are set to be the set of new beginnings after all but they all require a sacrifice, a red one in preference. Hence the: 
In this space, do I belong?
Breaking insecurities is hard as one set of them is replaced by yet another and it is a great song if we get it under that scope. That a relationship and particularly sex is not the resolving of everything but the transcription of yet another set of adventures down the road. 
And the: 
It's dark out here in my own thoughts. 
Will remain a part of Lucifer’s theme in P2 but also in Season 6 so no idea if they went that far in the meta level but knowing your partner needs helps and there will be dark spells, after all bad spells it’s part of life. There is no easy fix as you will see. No matter what will be resolved, a troubled mind will remain one. The question is how you will tackle the difficulties and the bad days or moments. That is all. And the difficult moments will also be the good moments. Weird thinking for some I know but we cannot expect life, even a made up one to be perfect or even easy. 
So Tether Me.
Bind me in a safe place alongside you, without the possibility to harm you or myself, to be free because I’m with you and the perception of how grand a world is, it’s but a matter of debate and time. 
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pixelatedrose · 3 years ago
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read this and respond (if you’d like) when you aren’t in the car anymore, i don’t want you to get sick :0 !
you don’t apologize for not be able to write a lot! you didn’t have to answer my ask in the first place but it means a lot to me that you did :) also! i wanna say two things! one, i think i’ve said this before but i really like how you explain things. i’ve tried to learn how to play d&d and i think i’ve got a solid understanding of it, but it’s still hard when people say things like “10 AC”. but i don’t have to worry about that when you explain things cause you sorta dumb it down in a way that doesn’t make me feel dumb.. if that makes sense. two, i love how you showed callahan being healed in your drawing cause it just adds so much more weight to the picture. and i can’t even imagine how that fight was, dancing with death the whole time, that must’ve been so stressful. anyway! that’s about all, but you still have a lot of explaining to do (if you want and when you’re ready) mister >:0 i hope you had a lovely day and you enjoy the rest of your night, love you ro :)) !
1st: dw bout me answerin asks in the car lol I have no fuckin self control sksjshs
2nd: thank you sm m8!!! I know you've mentioned in the past that you don't play d&d or know a ton about it so I try and give little explanations where I can and it's great to hear that I do it in a non-patronizing way
3rd: heheheee okay so imma go into some more detail on the Callahan & Shade training session-
Okay, so.
To understand how we got to this point in time, we have to understand where he was
The party entered the Shadowfell- a mirror plane of existence where everything is contorted and dark and just about everything wants to kill you. This is where we were trying to get to when Callahan first joined the party.
Now Callahan didn't have a full grasp on what the Shadowfell was, really, when he went through the portal. The only one who did was Sylas, and by all the gods did he try to warn us.
Callahan was still so very very unprepared...
The very first fight in the Fell- one of the first battles Callahan has EVER been in in his life- he gets one-shotted by this monster and drops below zero hp.
When you drop below zero hp in d&d, you're Ina state of in between life and death, right on the cusp of either one and a breath's wrong move could send you toppling over the edge. You stay in this state of dying until one of three things happen. 1) you get healed. 2) you succeed three death saves and you stabilize. Or 3) you fail three death saves and you die.
Callahan had succeeded two saves, but he had also failed two. One last roll would have determined his entire fate, and I'm not known for having the best of luck when it comes to dice.
Sylas, our lovely amazing wonderful cleric boy, barely made it in time and slapped Callahan with a healing spell right after the monster died and he regained consciousness.
This...messed him up.
Callahan was absolutely shaken to his core at this very close encounter with death and he did not handle it well.
He got furiously angry, ignoring the fact that it was him that brought him to the Fell, and instead shifting the rage to the rest of the party and blaming them for his being there and, by proxy, his almost dying.
He...said some things...that shouldn't have been said. At least not like that...
And the worst part? It didn't get better. He was fitful and angry and upset at everyone for weeks.
Finally, Haru was done with Callahan's baby-bitchfit and when Callahan snapped at Monty (again), Haru got up and dragged Callahan out into the forest a little ways away from the rest of the party.
And what did he do?
Well he punched him.
Well, more than that. He told Callahan to fight back too. Soon fist-fighting turned into hitting each other with sticks, which turned into Haru having to tackle Callahan to the ground, leaving Cal the perfect opportunity to steal the dagger off his belt and ramming the pommel into his ribs.
Cal would like to say he won that fight. Haru would have something else to say.
After laying there on the ground for a moment, Callahan started to laugh. A sound that Haru had not heard in weeks, and one he didn't know he missed.
Haru explained that he wanted to teach Cal to fight so that what happened with that first monster? Where Cal nearly died?? So that that would never have to happen again.
Something about it- maybe it was something about Haru- calmed Callahan down.
And then it really hit him.
Oh fuck.
I've been a jackass for weeks to literally everyone.
It also started to hit him just how weak he really was in a fight if it ever came down to melee.
So they came back to the party together, Callahan happier than ever with little scrapes and lookin very roughed up (I won't say but the rest of the party did not in fact think they were sparring-)
Callahan apologized to Monty the next morning. The things he said specifically to him were...well...let's just say it hit harder for Monty than the others.
Monty wasn't as quick to forgive and forget. Callahan doesn't blame him.
However, that night Callahan and this new party member- Shade- were on a watch together. Now Shade is a much higher level than everyone else in the party, and is far far more powerful. He's a Hexblade Warlock, but he's also a fallen paladin (or cleric I can't remember) as WELL as a fallen Aasimar (kinda like a fallen angel but watered down). But...also probably a Shadow sorcerer?? Listen Shade is an amalgam of magic and power and idk where all of it comes from-
In any case, Shade is big powerful lad.
Now Cal and Shade are on a watch together, and Shade begins talking about Callahan's magic. He picks up a small opal stone from gauntlets he wears and focuses his magic into it. The opal glows with a black light and swirls with shadows of purple and black. He then hands the opal to Callahan and instructs him to focus his magic like he did.
When he does, the opal changes again, but this time, it swirls with bright, ever-changing array of fantastical colors. A rainbow of things that have never quite been seen before. It's extraordinary.
Shade explains that his own magic is that of the Shadowfell, it's dark and thus his magic is sewn from the shade. And then he explains that he's met other mages- ones with powers of the storm, magic of dragons- but he has never seen someone with magic like Callahan's.
Why?
Well, cause Callahan has pure, unfettered, untained, raw magic inside him.
It's an inferno of unbridled magic and it is completely and utterly entirely untamed. It cannot be controlled and it is as wild as the wind and earth itself. And sometimes, that uncontrollablity lashes out and surges forth, and sometimes things that Callahan doesn't exactly want to happen, happen.
And Callahan listens. And his heart sinks. Uncontrollable? Pure?? Absolute chaotic force of magic??? He can't stand the thought of not having a handle on his magic, because if he can't control it, how the hell is he supposed to use it to protect people??
He expresses this to Shade and the "older" man tells him that he can and should use this to his advantage.
At that moment, Callahan's magic goes wild and he surges. The wooden log they are sitting on, under Callahan's hand it starts to faintly smoke. Callahan doesn't notice, but Shade does. He cuts a small piece of rope and asks Cal to hold it for him. The rope errupts into flames and Callahan drops it in vibrant shock and distress.
Shade calms him down and explains that he can use that. He gets Callahan thinking. Asks how he can use this to help in in battle- he can set things aflame with a touch, for God's sake, what can he do to use that?
And Shade looks at Callahan's small scratches and bruises and scuffs on his clothes and turns and says "I know that look...you've been sparring, haven't you?"
Callahan nods his head. He says that Haru said he'd teach him how to fight, that he wants to- needs to- be stronger.
Shade asks if Callahan would like Shade to help him as well, help him learn how to use his magic to fight.
Callahan says yes.
They start small, Shade borrows Haru's sword in his sleep and gives it to Cal to use. Shade goes through the motions of explaining how he uses his magic to help him wear armor and wield weapons- how he manipulates the pull of power inside him into his blade, into his armor, how he makes them seem lighter and easier to use and wear.
And Callahan follows suit. He goes through the motions of swordplay, focusing and directing his magic into it. And slowly, it seems the blade gets lighter and light in his palm.
After a little while of this, Shade says that he would like to try something to really help Cal in the middle of a real battle. And he summons a demon.
Now, as Shade summons this demon, he explains that he has control over it. That the demon cannot do anything that Shade does not want it to do. The demon is not pleased with this.
In fact, with shadowy chains around its neck and wrists and ankles, it seethes and hisses and spits that it will tear and murder and shred Callahan and Shade to scraps. Shade reassures Callahan that he won't let it kill him. But he asks one last time if Callahan wants to do this.
And with a glance at this horrible creature with blood and murder in its eyes, Callahan's grasp tightens around his borrowed blade and he nods yes.
And so the fight begins.
Callahan uses his magic and filters it into the blade in his hands and tries to strike the beast. He hits it a few times, but the monster keeps hitting Callahan back, and he drops down to 1 hp.
As the demon cackles and pulls back for one final attack, Shade pulls down on the shadowy chains and restrains it. It howls in fury at this.
Shade asks Callahan if he wants to stop, that if he really wants, Shade knows a way to help Callahan keep going.
Callahan, bloody, sliced up, fighting for consciousness and blinking red drops from his eyes, hands on his sword in a white-knuckled grip, the blade digging into the ground as the only thing keeping him upright, looks Shade deep and deadly in the eyes, his goggles hung slightly cracked around his neck. His eyes have a burning flicker to them and with no hesitation to his words, he speaks. "I need to be better."
Shade takes a moment and the faintest ghost of a smile flitters onto his face and he says "That was the right answer." And he begins to heal Callahan with Greater Restoration.
Now, I could be wrong either with what the spell does or what spell he actually cast, but what happened with this spell was this: he could restore an incredible amount of hp to Callahan, but he would TAKE half the hp he restored as damage to himself. So if he healed Cal for 10 points, Shade would take 5.
This first time he ended up healing Callahan all the way back up to full.
And back to the fight they went.
This happened four more times, where Cal dropped below 10 hp and Shade had to stop to heal him for a moment.
Finally, Shade asked Callahan one last thing.
"I can do one more thing to help you learn the movement of battle, but it would mean releasing him. You don't have to do it, but-"
"You're wrong. I do have to- what would that make me if I backed down at the first sight of risk?"
"...you've made a good choice."
With that, Shade released the Demon, who was battered and torn and nearly as destroyed as Callahan himself, if not far far more. And he let out a ravenous cackle, full of craze and bloodlust and victory. And he looked Callahan directly in the eyes and told him "This is where you die!!!"
Four more rounds.
Callahan had messed up his magic once before in the fight and his magic had surged, giving him the ability to teleport short distances for the next minute.
And his magic messed up once again, poisoning a random creature near him. Luckily, it wasn't Shade, but the Demon was immune to poison anyway.
But as Callahan took hits, he dropped below 10 hp again, but there was no more looking to Shade for help anymore.
He took one last swing, a move of the blade that felt more dance-like than any sort of movement to kill, and he cut the demon clean a sunder- a trail of the blade that ran from one shoulder across to the bottom of its boney hip- and the demon let out a croaking, creaking, collapsing gasp of air that could have been mistaken for a strangled last cackle of defiance.
And then it fell over, a position of defeat that Callahan may have been had he not made the surer move.
And Callahan stood above it all.
Alive.
Alive and by his hands alone was his enemy gone.
Alive and by a blade he used with magic in his veins was he that way.
Alive and the victor over a demon.
Shade healed Callahan one last time, nearly collapsing himself from the loss of life energy. He managed to gain some of it back by summoning small imps that he then proceeded to suck the life out of, but it still took a bit of a toll on both of them.
They went back to the party where everyone lay sleeping, none knowing the exchange that had happened that night.
The spoke for a while longer, Shade telling Callahan of his past while casting the mending spell on his destroyed and torn clothes.
Their shift ended and they woke up the next pair for watch and went to bed.
And now did Callahan forget to tell anyone else about what had happened?
Yes absolutely.
Did Haru end up finding out because 1) Callahan had a fresh magical scar on his cheek and 2) Callahan forgot to give Haru back his sword?
Yes absolutely.
Was Haru pissed off that Callahan basically almost died multiple times and go into full protective boyfriend mode after he found out?
Yes absolutely.
Anyway long story time but I hope you liked it ;D
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plasticnightmaredoll · 4 years ago
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Godzilla vs. Kong - Full Review
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Ok, as promised, I have a more in-depth review for this film. My review is kind of all over the place because there was a lot to unpack, but not in a good way. The movie has all the potential there, and it got the two most important things right: the battles and the portrayal of Godzilla, Kong, and Mechagodzilla. However, everything else regarding the plot and characters felt rushed, like, a few minutes more here and there would have gone a lot way.
Anyway, this review contains all the spoilers, just a warning.
The Good
Godzilla, Kong, and Mechagodzilla were the most interesting characters in the movie. The very human charm of Kong, Godzilla's mercy towards Kong twice, and Mechagodzilla's sinister rebellion almost made up for the lack of character development from the humans.
Godzilla's display of mercy was key to his character development, and perhaps the first time a Godzilla has displayed such a trait. This Monsterverse Godzilla seems more focused on conquest only for the sake of the preservation of the planet, not to create terror and destruction. Defeating Kong was more a display of dominance, maintaining his title as King of the Monsters, than anything else.
Kong was actually like a person in his behavior, which was kind of funny but also just highlighted how uninteresting the human characters were. Kong scratching his butt after waking up from a nap was more entertaining than listening to most of the human characters speak.
Hollow Earth was like the Lost World, the land the time forgot. It's vast, beautiful, mysterious, dangerous, and fascinating all at once. The odd quirks with gravity add a surreal element to this world within the world, almost like it's something out of a dream. I honestly hope we get more movies in the Monsterverse so we can explore Hollow Earth further.
The fact that Kong's species crafted an ax from a Godzilla-like titan dorsal fin is expected behavior for a primate, but it's also pretty badass. It can absorb energy, which makes me wonder what Godzilla's dorsal plates are capable of.
All the fights were excellent: Kong vs War Bats, Godzilla vs Kong at sea, Godzilla vs Kong in Hong Kong, and Godzilla and Kong fighting against Mechagodzilla. The fight with Mechagodzilla may have been a little too short, but it was still very well done.
Some amusing music choices. I don't know why Kong got all the cool music cues but, maybe it has to do with him having more personality than any of the human characters.
I liked the reveal about Ghidorah's three heads using telepathy. I don't recall this being mentioned for other versions of this character, and it does make sense. Yes, they can talk to each other normally, but with the length of their necks, it would be easier to be able to mentally engage in conversations from time to time, especially in combat when there's so much going on and they need to coordinate fast.
I am guessing that the use of Kevin's (Ghidorah's severed left head from 2019's "King of the Monsters") brain for Mechagodzilla was the cause for his rebellion against his programming. It makes sense when you consider how he deliberately killed Walter Simmons, his "owner," and then went right after Godzilla. It fits the story that Ghidorah's brain would have taken over Mechagodzilla's body after receiving enough power to push the robot to its full potential. It also implies that Kevin may have been lying in wait until he was given enough power to take full control over Mechagodzilla.
Kong did lose to Godzilla twice, and honestly, it was inevitable. Kong may be more agile than Godzilla but he lacks tough, armor-like skin and fast regeneration. Godzilla is essentially a massive powerhouse of brute force and strength and can endure for much longer than Kong in a fight. Having Kong defeat Godzilla in the 1962 film from Toho just...didn't make much sense to me. It felt liked it was forced like the movie was meant to cater to Kong instead of Godzilla -- which I think was the point but...it didn't work for me.
Godzilla and Kong teaming up to fight Mechagodzilla gave me what wasn't provided in "King of the Monsters." I was seriously hoping the 2019 movie would have Mothra, Rodan, and Godzilla fight against Ghidorah just like in the 1964 movie, "Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster." It's a personal favorite of mine because of the teamwork, but "King of the Monsters" sadly didn't go that route. Fortunately, "Godzilla vs Kong" did and it paid off.
I preferred Godzilla and Kong making amends at the end of the film instead of remaining enemies. If the movie had only been about those two fighting, it would have been disappointing. Seeing as how both characters are anti-hero types in the Monsterverse, it suits them better to come together to defeat a common enemy and put their differences aside afterward out of respect toward each other.
Godzilla's level of intelligence: he realized how Kong's ax worked after engaging with it once and charged the ax later to allow Kong to slice apart Mechagodzilla.
The science behind Mechagodzilla's functionality was interesting, even if we didn't get to dive into it.
I enjoyed Jia's friendship with Kong. It was very sweet. Much better than giving Kong a hot blonde woman to simp over!
The Bad
The villains were awful. Not just awful people but awful in terms of how they were written. What the hell was Walter Simmons' deal? I guess he was seeking supremacy? His daughter was even less memorable, proving to be as one-dimensional as a piece of paper and dying almost immediately after serving her purpose in the story
I thought Team Godzilla's subplot as a whole was terribly written. It was just meant to show us Mechagodzilla in action before he fought Godzilla but we couldn't have been given something more substantial than three idiots roaming around?
This felt more like a sequel to "Kong: Skull Island" since this movie focused more on Kong than Godzilla. Why?
None of the human characters were all that interesting, even pre-existing ones like Madison and Mark Russell. Jia was a very nice little girl and served as a means of easing Kong's mind. Everyone else, though, was just there to move the plot along.
The fight with Godzilla and Kong teaming up against Mechagodzilla was good but it felt a little short. If it had been a little bit longer, it would have been perfect.
The storm that wiped out Skull Island...what the hell was that about?
The convoluted and rushed explanation of Mechagodzilla's "brain" functionality was cool but I would have preferred we didn't get all that just tossed into our lap. The movie doesn't give you much time to process this information.
Then again, the movie moves too quickly to allow you to process a lot of what's going on.
The Ugly
Ren Serizawa didn't need to be in this movie as Ren Serizawa. It's never mentioned why he is working with Apex Cybernetics to kill kaiju. I mean, we can guess that maybe he's upset his father, Ishiro, sacrificed himself to help Godzilla in "King of the Monsters," but why? It wasn't like Ishiro was killed by kaiju. Did Ren just disagree with his father's beliefs about kaiju? The movie never discusses his motivations, and he's barely given any speaking lines. He didn't need to have such a specific detail attributed to him when said detail amounted to nothing.
I don't get why Josh Valentine's character was needed in the movie. He served no real purpose other than some comic relief.
Overall, "Godzilla vs Kong" is decent entertainment, but it's the weakest entry in the Monsterverse. The battles were fun, the CGI was excellent, and the three kaiju (Kong, Godzilla, and Mechagodzilla) were great, but the story and characters need some serious work.
Final Grade: C-
Godzilla (2014): A-
Kong: Skull Island (2017): C+
Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019): A
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zrtranscripts · 3 years ago
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Home Front, Mission 6: Phil Cheeseman Edition
Welcome to Radio Phil
~
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! Welcome to Radio Phil! [laughs] It's not the most creative name, I know, but at least you know what you're getting into. You might have guessed I'm here in the radio studio by myself waiting out our current lockdown. Not that different from any of you, I'm sure, though you probably have a lot fewer cables and chairs and odd knickknacks that your co-host Zoe has been collecting and now seem to be staring at you. Yes, unicorn mug, I am talking about you. [laughs] Now before you ask, there's no need to worry about Zoe. She's safe and sound in an undisclosed location. [laughs] I'm fairly sure she's not telling me just to make herself sound all mysterious.
You know what? Let's chat a little less and move a little more. I've been picking up some of the broadcasts from Abel of Ministry workouts and I've chosen a few of my favorite exercises from the manual. But before we get started with those, let's get moving. Uh, during this next song, do whatever you like to get your heart pumping. Dance, do jumping jacks, uh, wiggle your shoulders, [laughs] what have you. And Zoe, if you're listening, I know this is one of your favorites, so wherever you are, I hope you're moving.
~
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, it turns out that song isn't one of Zoe's favorites, and the reason I know that is she sent me a ROFFLEnet message saying so. And I quote, [imitate's ZOE's accent] “Phil, you numpty. I may be working like a dog where I am, but I still have time to listen to the show and if you don't tell everyone how I really feel about that terrible dirge, a zombie horde will be the least of your worries.” No, because obviously sending ROFFLEnet messages to your poor co-host - who can keep track of your strange opinions on songs - is just the break you need from whatever it is you're doing.
Well, luckily for you - and for me - the exercises I've picked for today are all about being ready for a battle. We'll start our mano a zom-o routine with some jabs. Begin by getting into a basic zom punching stance. Stand with your legs shoulder-width apart, arms at your sides and knees a little bit bent. Uh, if you'd prefer, you can also stay seated. Now bring your hands up to chin level, slightly to either side and in front of your face, and curl your hands into fists. If you're standing, take one step forward with your right foot.
Perfect. I can't see you, but I'm sure you look just like uh... oh, that old movie poster for Snake Alley, which despite what Zoe claims, is definitely not a heartwarming action classic that will have you rooting for the snakes. [sighs]  Now for each jab, you're going to extend your right arm forward like you're socking a zom in the face, stopping just short of fully locking out your elbows. To give that jab even more power, rotate your right shoulder forward as you throw the punch. Once your arm is all the way extended, bring it back to the starting position, and that's our jab. [laughs]
Oh, ready to put into practice? Let's do 30 seconds of jabs with your right arm. Go at your own pace and rest as you need to. Starting... now. That's it, that's it, right there. Oh yeah, you got that one! Oh, I saw his teeth fall out. Beautiful! Yeah, keep going. Yeah, you're doing brilliant. Halfway through. If it helps, you can always picture punching your least favorite zom. Although does anyone really have a favorite zom? Ah, good style! And done.
Except, of course, that now we've got to jab from the other side. This time, put your left leg in front and jab with your left arm. I'll put 30 more seconds on the clock. Starting now. That's it. Don't forget, roll in that shoulder. Beautiful, wonderful. Yeah. Very, very good. 15 seconds. And you got that one right in the eye! Or the jaw. Definitely somewhere painful. Keep going. Ah, wonderfully done. And we're done. Shake those arms out and get ready to do a victory lap while I play something appropriately heroic. If you think you've got a few more jabs in you, you can keep going during the break. But otherwise, this is your time to rest and celebrate.
~
PHIL CHEESEMAN: W-w-welcome back! I hope you enjoyed celebrating your triumph. I did a bit of an interpretive victory dance myself, uh, while reading a very thorough explanation by one Zoe Crick of the merits of Snake Alley. Apparently, [imitates ZOE's accent] "It starred the most adorable boa constrictor with the cutest little tongue ever seen on the screen." As I recall, it eats a full-grown man in the middle of act two, but to each their own.
Now where were we? Oh yes. You've delivered your jabs, and now it's time to play a little defense with a side to side shuffle. This move lets you get out of the way of any danger, whether that's a zom or a vicious yet somehow adorable snake. Let's start by getting back in that fighting stance, legs shoulder-width apart, knees slightly bent, and fists up. This time, try to get a little lower , as if you were thinking about doing a squat but changed your mind halfway down. If you'd prefer, though, you can stay standing all the way up or do the exercise seated and just move your feet, whatever works best for you.
Instead of stepping forward, this time you'll step straight out to the right with your right foot. No need to take a big step, but you'll want your feet to be further apart than they were before. Now step your left foot into the space that your right foot was in before it moved. It's almost like your right foot is you and your left foot is the zombie trying to catch you, but never quite making it. Now do the same thing two more times, right foot stepping straight over to the right and then left foot taking its place. And that's a side shuffle to the right. To go back the way you came from, start with your left foot, taking it to the left, and then having your right foot try to catch up. Do that two more times and you've side shuffled right back to where you started. Just shake your legs out to relax them.
Now the side shuffle is meant to be used to do quick dodging and weaving, so let's get back in our stance and pick up the pace. Go as quickly as works for you, shuffling first to the right and then back to the left. Let's do this for a minute, if you can. And go! That's 15 seconds. Right now I'm shuffling over to ROFFLEnet because someone is sending me messages instead of doing their training, but you keep going. Halfway through, and here's a tip from Zoe. "If you have extra energy at the end of each shuffle, reach down with the arm on the side you were shuffling towards and pretend you're picking up a kitten to cuddle." Only 15 seconds to go. I know your legs are burning, but you can do this! Leave those zoms in the dust! And done! [laughs] Nice work.
[sighs] Oh, time for a rest, I think. Here's some music perfect for stroking cats - just for you, Zoe - or more shuffling, if you feel up to it.
~
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And we're back again, just in time for a little wager. [laughs] Zoe's made me a bet during our dance rest break. If I win, she reveals her secret location. If she wins, I have to play the soundtrack to the climactic Snake Alley Rattlesnake Tango, and none of us want that, trust me. So here's the wager: I have to turn away from simulated zombie violence and instead successfully lead you through one of Zoe's favorite exercises, the sit-up, which actually could be used to lie in wait in tall grass and then pop up to grab a zombie by the leg, so it fits with our zombie battle royale theme of the day.
Ready? Start by laying down on your back on the floor. If you have a yoga mat or even a folded blanket or towel, you can lay on that to give your body something softer to rest on. Even the carpet would be good so that you're not directly on a hard floor. Bring your knees up so that the bottoms of your feet are flat on the ground. Now it's time to pick your range of motion. The larger it is, the more energy and strength the sit-up takes, so we'll start big and then talk about a few ways to modify.
Option one is to start with your arms back behind you so that the backs of your hands are resting on the floor. Now you're going to use your stomach muscles to raise your torso from a lying to an upright position. Your arms will come all the way forward and tap the ground on either side of your feet. If coming that far doesn't work for you, you can raise your torso a little less and tap on the top of your knees instead.
You can also vary your starting arm position by either putting the fingertips of each hand just behind each ear so that your arms almost look like wings, or resting them gently on your legs. Just remember that if your fingers are behind your head, don't tug on your ears or head or hair to come up, it's not good for your neck. Once you are all the way upright, lower your upper body back to your starting position in a controlled motion. Try not to just flop down. Okay, let's try one more slowly. Come up and then go down. Wonderful.
Zoe, I hope you're ready to reveal all your secrets - or at least this particular one, anyway - because we're putting 60 seconds on the clock to do as many sit-ups as we can. Start your sit-ups... now! Ah, you're doing great! We're 15 seconds in and I'm sure Zoe has already conceded defeat. Keep going. Halfway through! Remember to only sit up as far as you can manage without overstraining yourself. Only 15 seconds left to go! You've got this. And we're done!
You all did wonderfully, which means that Zoe has to give us a clue about where she's riding out this lockdown. While we wait for that, stand back up and let's get ready for our reveal with one more dance break. Try using the time to do that dance move you've always loved but might have been a bit embarrassed to do in public? Now's the time.
~
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hope you enjoyed the dance break. [laughs] I'll be honest with you, I spent it doing the robot. I'm not very good at it. I think Zoe once described it as looking like the Tin Man suddenly got electrocuted. And then fell into a swimming pool. And then got electrocuted again. [laughs] She doesn't mince her words, I'll give her that. Which means she should have plenty to say about where she's holed up while we stretch out. You can do whatever stretch works best for you. I'm going to start with bringing my left arm across my chest and supporting it with my right while trying to puzzle out this first clue.
[imitates ZOE's accent] “Wherever I am, I can tell you this: it's the cat's meow.” Well, that's about as much use as a chocolate fire guard. Though Zoe did make that reference to scooping up kittens earlier, and if anyone could manage to find a cat in the middle of a zombie lockdown, it would be her. And now switching arms, just in time for a hopefully much better clue, which is, [imitates ZOE's accent] “It's just one woman and her cats here. Honestly Phil, I'm starting to think you don't even listen when I tell you things.” One woman and her cats... hmm. I need to think about this. Listeners, uh, why don't you carry on stretching through this next song? Or have a go at some dancing yourself, if the mood takes you. You can't be any worse at the robot than I am.
~
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I figured it out. Zoe's secret hideout. One woman and her cats. There was a person on ROFFLEnet who asked for help relocating cats from a house that had fallen into disrepair before this whole zombie situation began. I remember now. I said something about professional cat herding and Zoe came up with a whole scheme for a competition. Like that old sheepdog show, One Man and His Dog, only with cats and treats and lots of jumping.
Stretching obviously gets my brain working. Oh, uh, next I'm bringing my left arm over my head and leaning to the right while I puzzle the rest out. Hmm. Zoe must have been helping with the cat resettlement when the zombies got loose, and the kennel has access to the radio and to ROFFLEnet. That has to be it. Not to mention that the kennel also has dogs, rabbits, a turtle, and even a couple of snakes. Switching to my right arm overhead and leaning to the left to give Zoe time to congratulate me for being the next best thing to Sherlock Holmes.
Oh. [imitates ZOE's accent] “Yes, Phil, I am at the kennel. Only one here, so I've got plenty of animals to keep me in line. Not so different from our show, really. But in truth, I miss you and I look forward to doing the show together and preventing you from playing that one ridiculous song ever again.” [sighs] Me too, Zoe. Me, too. Well, I hope that wherever you all are, you've got something warm and comforting around you, like a cuddly toy, or the sound of a friendly voice. And thanks for listening. We may be far from each other, but it's always good to know you're being heard. So for now, Cheeseman out.
~
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