#linked universe crack fics

[weepingtalecowboy]

Fanfiction prompt: considering that wind can see ghosts but instead of hiding it he thinks that everyone can see them because everyone has dealt with supernatural forces

Main while the chain is freaking out because wind keeps talking to nobody and telling them that their his friends or the most unhinged statement he is enemies with the stripes guy who always stands menacingly in a corner trying to be cool (fierce deity)

And the chain starts to worry about wind badly because that is not sane behavior

While another part of the chain (particularly twilight) doesn’t take it THIS seriously because he remembers how Colin spent weeks complaining about his imaginary friend not playing with him and that children can be imaginative especially when bored and that only making him a new toy got him to play with his friend again

And that ends up in the chain thinking that wind must be incredibly bored because they walk all day and not letting him explore and play with bugs and they decided to fix it (but quickly realized that they are in the middle of a forest with nothing particularly interesting)

Wind main while has absolutely no idea what to do with the hand made toy lobster (legend definitely can sew like have you seen him and the ton of outfits he has) or the Fact that Wolfie seems particularly persistent to play fetch ..!.,?! What is going on!? (Twilight quickly realized that he is dog shaped and he also feels extremely guilty that wind is only walking with them)

But also he definitely can’t throw it away because the legend clearly put effort into the thing and he does love lobsters

And he would rather die than let the chance pass to play with Wolfie (that guy never has fun and nobody can make him play anything and the look of pure envy from Wild was totally worth it he is Wolfie's new favorite now , screw you wild)

But unfortunately that one extra toy seems to do nothing about Wind's insistence to talk with walls

And Wolfie tries really really hard to be more interesting than the walls ( he is failing because ghosts will always be more interesting )

The second they enter a town every single link with money goes to ransack the entire town for toys

And wind catches on about their concerns with his mental state and realizes that explaining them how he can see ghosts would probably confirm to them he is crazy

He awkwardly takes the toys and rearranges them in a way that every ghost is next to a toy so that the chain can stop complaining about him because now he has the excuse that he is totally talking to his toys and not any other beings or voices or walls

The chain is happy because they can almost always see him talk to the toys and play with them (the dread they feel when he keeps naming them after dead loved ones of them is something but maybe it is just a coincidence)

Then they catch him playing a game and it’s just the lobster who apparently is named after legend and the bird who he named Marin (Wind was totally only re-enacting Marin's story because he is definitely an adult and only doing the logical thing)

Time later sees him with Wild's majora’s mask (that sits with its face turned like it’s trying not to look at someone) while Wind keeps talking about a big guy with stripes on his face and how he tried to be cool when defeating the demon (war flashbacks activated because that stripes guy seems very familiar)

And legend gets an aneurysm because that lobster story strikes way to close to home for him

They take way to long to figure out in this one (they are the heroes of courage not wisdom afterall)

[portraitofalinkonfyre]

Through Your Eyes

Pairing: Sky x Reader

Warning(s): General weirdness and smut because LU makes me mentally unstable. This is crack so PLEASE don't flame me in the comments

Notes: This is definitely the weirdest thing I've written to date, other than the cow sans x reader fic from back in the day (should I link that account to here? Because when I tell you I was utterly rabid for that bag of bones), so enjoy my insanity! Inspired by the amazing @h4wari while also being half-dedicated to @sunflowersunnyl for their wonderfully wrinkled brain

Masterlist

You thought nothing of the Skyward Sword figurine on the shelf above your bed.

It was a decent size, situated in a canon-typical fighting pose that had become synonymous with both Link and Nintendo, and had the cutest rendition of the master sword you had seen in one plastic hand. You had bought it shortly after completing the game itself–a little memento to commemorate the blood-shot hours spent hunched over your controller like a madman–and on the shelf it had stayed. Watching. Waiting.

Until one fateful day.

"For the last time," you stressed, phone pressed so tightly to your ear that it nearly flattened it against your head. "I don't want to hear about my car's extended warranty!"

Then, without pausing to listen to whatever bullshit the telemarketer decided to roll with next, you hung up, slamming your phone down on the pillow beside your head and groaning to the sympathetic form of your roommate on the opposite edge of the bed: "Ugh, I think I get more calls about insurance than from my entire family."

Your roommate clicked their tongue sympathetically. The Skyward Sword figurine did not, but you weren't in the correct mental state to drool over a polyvinyl chloride rendition of what had to be the hottest man in modern media. Damn Nintendo for making a video game character so fuckable, because you'd clap those cheeks six ways from Sunday for free. "They're relentless, huh? I got one three days ago about my offshore bank account in Switzerland."

"Do you have an offshore rupee account in Switzerland?"

"Not yet."

"Based," you sighed, flopping down to rest against the headboard. Your roommate did the same, flopping horizontally against the end of your bed. Together, you stared at the ceiling, though your view was a bit obstructed by the pointed tip of the plastic Master Sword and– dear lord, why did it look like the figurine was watching you? "Hey, do you remember when we talked about whether stuffed animals are actually the physical and spiritual embodiments of dead people?"

Your roommate snorted. "I'm not high enough for this right now," then, after realizing just what you were staring at, amended with another, more judgy noise. "Oh no, he's got his bitchbreaker face on."

You barked a laugh. By god, they were right! "I think I'm being watched," you admitted, eyes raking over the molded dark-blonde hair and blue-bell-painted eyes. Fuck, those eyebrows, too. "Why's he angry?"

"Oh. Dude, we're too sober for this," said your roommate, throwing their hands up in mild, un-drugged exasperation. After a moment (and more than a few seconds of your puppy eyes), they huffed. "Probably because of that Ganon dude."

"No no no, it's Demise," you corrected, retrieving your phone to pull up a photo of said villain. You held the screen up.

A low whistle left your roommate. "Can I call him Daddy Demise or am I weird for that?"

"Not at all," you waved a hand in the Link figurine's direction, a sly smirk pulling at the corners of your lips. "What I wouldn't give for a ride on that Master Sword."

"Ew!" your roomate exclaimed despite being just as bad as you. A beat passed. "Dude, why do you have him like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like that," they made a vague gesture to the placement of the figurine. "He's literally just watching you. You don't think that's weird?"

You... you hadn't considered that. Still, you shook your head. "No? All I do is sleep and... oh, god," you slapped a hand over your face and tried not to think of all the times you had masturbated with the figurine in the room. Was that weird? Were you supposed to turn it around like people did with family photos and stuffed animals?? "Why are you like this?"

"Someone's gotta be," your roommate shrugged, nonplussed. "Plus, you've had him for, what, two years? Man's seen some shit."

"Okay, nope, ew," you continued to cover your face and pretend that you weren't into the idea of your Skyward Sword Link figurine being secretly sentient. "We're never bringing this up. Ever."

"But–"

"I swear on that one cat meme we look at when we're drunk, I will pay someone to punch you," you warned jokingly, glancing at them through the cracks in your fingers. "In the face."

"Pussy," was their response.

You promptly threw your pillow at your roommate's face.

Link awoke to the sound of moaning, or, he rather thought he awoke, because there was nothing dreamlike about the eggshell-shadows of his room in the Academy, nor the uncomfortable tightness of his sleep trousers.

With a groan that rattled his chest, he threw an arm over his eyes, willing that, for once, fate would cease it's attempts to make his life as outlandish as possible.

Starting with the dreams. And the voices.

Now, let it never be said that he wasn't accustomed to the strange, but there was a large difference in being instructed by a strict, discombobulated voice on the inner workings of his role as a hero and the far more intimate tone of someone engaging in the pleasures of the flesh. Though, as mercy would have it, both options seemed to be enjoyed solely by him, but he digresses.

Another moan filtered through his consciousness. Link felt himself throb, already embarrassingly half-hard. The thought that he was slowly going mad had crossed his mind many a time since the voices–and, of course, accompanying dreams, though those were a bit of a newer occurrence–began years ago, but this was on a whole other level.

For one, the second voice wasn't new, or, the tone of it. He remembered hearing it many times during his adventure; whispered hints and loud whoops against the pointed shell of his ear were commonplace, and Link would be a liar to say he hadn't grown attached to the person on the other side of... whatever madness his life had descended into. A guide– nay, his guide, he liked to think of them. Of you.

A keening wail, filed with an undercurrent of need that had his abdomen absolutely burning, and he was torn back to the dream that had started it all. Link remembered it vividly: a bedroom, not his–unless Groose had seen fit to spontaneously paint and re-arrange his living quarters for the night in some elaborate bid to test the fraying edges of his mind–and the distinct, urgent feeling of being unable to move. Not restrained, but held in place. Frozen.

Oh, and the dizzying realization that he felt no larger than several inches, judging from the relative size of everything else in the room.

Link swallowed, beginning to pant as he gave in and pressed a palm over the aching bulge of his cock.

The door creaked open, and a strangely-clothed figure stepped into the room. They were calling to someone, laughing, and wasted no time in flopping on the richly-embroidered bedspread. In an instant, they were staring at him, still grinning, and a hand roaming down the curious set of... were those shorts(?) they wore.

"Hi, Link," was the first thing he registered through the haze. Since when had dreams been this vivid? "Miss me?"

"Yes," Link breathed as he recalled the first dream. The one that had started it all. He didn't even know who you were, or where you came from, but you were everything he wanted.

You reached up, the pad of your finger brushing his nose, and the size difference had never felt so profound. "I wish you were real," said the temptress–you–before him. Link didn't know who or where he was, but he would have fought Demise a thousand times over to discover it. Hair spread around your face like a halo, hand slipping into those paltry little underthings in a rhythm that had him hotter than the fires of Death Mountain.

From there, the dreams had only gotten more frequent. Sometimes, it would be you and your 'roommate' talking, and sometimes, it would be only you, doing some mundane task that he watched with attention no less rapt than when you would touch yourself. But oh, when you touched yourself, he knew, be it from the noises lingering in the back of his consciousness or the shockingly vivid dreams playing his mind almost nightly.

Link didn't realize he had taken himself in hand until he was coming, eyes squeezed shut and unoccupied fingers digging into the scratchy fabric of his sheets. Your name panted from his lips, rolling off his tongue like silk while his palm and stomach were splattered with wetness. He threw his head back against the pillow, then twisted it so the flat of his cheek was pressed against the soft item. He lay, writhing lightly, still painfully hard, wondering just what the fuck was wrong with him.

"Fuck," you said, spread out on your bed like an adult film creator, one hand between your bare legs while the other adjusted the thick headphones covering your ears. "I'm so weird for this."

There was no denying it: you were a freak, but a freak unbothered as you tapped your phone screen, waiting patiently for the video to load. Typically, you'd pull up a little something from a few unmentionable sites to help, but this time was different. So very different, you thought as sound began to flood the headphones.

Ha hu hi ha hyah!

There was no going back from this, you knew. No going back from the hidden shame of using a video game character's soundboard to get off while maintaining unbroken eye contact with a figurine of said character. Maybe you were bored, or weird, or perhaps this was who you had been all along? Either way, there was no hiding how good it felt when you moved your fingers downward, dipping into the silky wetness threatening to spill past your folds, thumb finding the soft nub of your clit.

You could see him–Link–in your mind's eye. Above you, pressed in the cradle of your thighs, with the prettiest blue eyes your brain could conjure, shrouded only slightly by shaggy blonde hair. Those lips, full and pouty, pursed, then parted to let panting breaths escape. Hylia, you'd take him in a heartbeat. You'd let him split you in half with that sword of his; no questions, no refunds. You would die like a fanfiction writer, without shame and very slightly mentally unstable.

"Fuck," you hissed, clapping a hand over your mouth to muffle your noises. Sure, your roommate had just left, but you had already exposed them to enough insanity, so it was only fair to try and hold back the shamefulness that came with jacking off to a video game character.

The video played on, the sounds of clanging swords and orgasmic grunts–because, seriously, who decided that was a good idea?–blaring into your ears through the streamer-grade headset, and you were immensely glad they happened to be noise-cancelling, lest your roommate return early and discover your shame. Your hips rocked against your fingers as the cacophony rose in pitch, pulling a series of hitched, shaky breaths from your moist throat. Would he touch you like this? Or would he shove three fingers in your clenching hole just to hear you wail, uncaring of the noise such an action would create. Maybe he would go straight for the pussy like a wild animal or the equally-sexy Twilight Princess Link, or perhaps he would simply spear you on his holy blade and call it a diddly-darn-good day?

Whatever you thought he would do, it was lost in the frazzled mess of your brain when you came, all but screeching around the tightly-cupped palm of your hand. Your legs shook harshly--even kicking out, which elicited a half-noticed burst of pain--trembling with the onslaught of pleasure rushing through your system like a drug, coursing and pulsing in time to the frantic, staccato beat of your heart.

After a few glorious moments, you lay boneless on the mattress, chest heaving with the aftershocks of what had to be the best solo time you'd had in a while. The soundboard continued to blare, but you didn't dare silence it; you wanted to enjoy this, while the post-nut clarity still felt leagues away.

A sharp creak interrupted your reverie, and you hardly had any time to react before the shelf above you groaned, tipping just enough to send a very familiar figurine plummeting onto your stomach, drawing a startled gasp from your mouth when, instead of a dull ache and a hot flash of embarrassment over dislodging your shelf via very questionable methods, there was a blinding flash of light. You screeched, but it was drowned out by a weight pressing atop your stomach, and the impossible silhouette of a figure above you.

Terror shot through your being. The light cleared. You froze.

"...Link?!"

I have no excuse.

(An impromptu apology for utterly failing at the 2024 Christmas event LMAO)

[crazylittlejester]

The large swan just sat there staring at him, and Time couldn’t help but stare right back. He was fighting very hard not to laugh at how utterly ridiculous the whole situation was, but here was his brother, with a little blue scarf around his neck, in the form of a swan.

“And this…” Time paused to clear his throat, not breaking eye contact with Warriors. “And this happened how?”

“He touched my crystal,” Twilight answered miserably, throwing his head into his hands. “I tried to tell him not to but it was too late.”

Warriors waddled forwards and Time had to bite his tongue. The poor captain was clearly not at all used to his new form, and moving around looked very awkward for him. Time didn’t think he’d ever seen a bird look so pissed before in his life, it was incredible how expressive Warriors was without the ability to actually frown and put his hands on his hips like he so often did on a normal day. When he was a normal hylian. Like he should be right now.

“And we don’t know where Sky or the others are?” Time asked the rancher, reaching out towards Warriors and snatching his hand back when the swan hissed at him. “That wasn’t very nice, Captain.”

Warriors gave him a look that said, “I’m going to bite you if you don’t shut the fuck up.”

And that was completely fair.

“No, we have no idea where Sky or the others are, he’s stuck like this,” the rancher sighed, face still buried.

Warriors was not very happy to hear that, he spread his wings and waddled towards Twilight making very angry noises.

“Don’t attack Twilight, it’s not his fault,” Time scolded when Warriors started trying to bite at the rancher’s boots. In hindsight he really should’ve anticipated that what he said was only an invitation for the bird to come at him.

Twilight groaned, peaking between his fingers at their brother as he stomped around making little sounds. “At least you look great, Wars, lovin’ the scarf, buddy.”

The swan did not look amused, and Time was starting to feel a bad for poor Warriors. Without Sky and the master sword they had no way of turning him back; for the foreseeable future, the captain was stuck as a swan.

[silvrash-797]

Febuwhump 2025 - Wild Child

Read on ao3

This is more crack than whump, but I had fun!

Late at night, the Chain gathered around the fire, telling stories of their adventures. Wild was in the middle of an excited retelling of some of his favorite battles. “…So when I could finally take on a guardian stalker without dying, I knew I was ready to-”

“Wait wait wait,” Legend interrupted. “What do you mean without dying?”

Wild stared at him blankly. “Uhh,” he said eloquently. “Y'know, stop breathing? Cease being alive?” He shrugged. “How else do I explain dying?”

“No, I know what dying means,” Legend sighed, pinching the spot between his eyes like his brain hurt. “Why are you so cavalier about your own death!?”

“Okay, first of all, I don’t know what that word means,” Wild defended, “and second,” he shrugged again, “it’s always been that way. Ever since I woke up from the Shrine of Resurrection there’s been something around to bring me back to life.”

“Okay, back up again. Shrine? Isn’t that what you call your Sheikah training centers? Why are the Sheikah involved in necromancy?”

“Actually,” Four interjected, his eyes purple in the fading light. “Necromancy involves, among other things, the summoning of spirits to influence the course of events, not raising the dead back to life.”

Legend stared, unimpressed. Four shrugged and returned to his book. “Just saying.”

Wild also stared at Four, but for a different reason. “Huh. Yeah, when you put it that way, I kinda had necromancy during my adventure too!” He grinned sadly, getting back into his story. “Y'see, when the Calamity attacked 100 years ago, it killed the Champions in their Divine Beasts. But their spirits stuck around! After I freed the Divine Beasts from Ganon's control, their spiritual gifts passed to me. If it weren’t for them, I still might have lost. Sometimes, I could swear I heard their voices-”

Legend threw up his hands in surrender and left the fire amidst the good-natured giggles of his brothers. Twilight simply shook his head.

[huh-1260]

guys I cannot wait any longer to tag the rest of mh fics to share the "Yiga doing a hear me out cake" crack fic anymore. There will be an ao3 version but i cannot wait anymore to post it

So i guess enjoy?

:)

______

“-Oh my Ganon him?” The sound of dying laughter came from his pirate charm.

Now maybee, Wind shouldn't be spying on the Yiga on his own necklace by himself, but. Well it is not like anyone else knows, plus he has no idea how his pirate charm even interacted with something the Yiga have! He thought they were incompetent because of how goofy they are!

“Hear me out,” The bigger Yiga member said as he put a stick down on the cake.

"Naahhhhh-”

“Bro your cooked, super cooked him?”

“Is that the pretty one?”

“They're all pretty genius.”

“Dude not what i expected, Lord Ganon is sending you to super hell.”

Wind was flabbergasted.

Fuck observing them

“THAT'S MY DAD!” He yelled into the stone.

______

Now two possible timelines

If Time got put on the cake:

Twilight in the other room watching from Wild's slate: *confused screaming*

If Wars got put on the cake:

"What how old is he-"

Time: TOO OLD FOR YOU AND HE'S MARRIED!

Rest of chain sans Wind: What-

Time: STAY AWAY FROM MY FATHER GUYS.

The Yiga who put Wars down on the cake: I-

Time: STAY AWAY FROM MY FATHER! HE'S MARRIED! HE'S TAKEN!

[bokettochild]

New Violet Incident!

Now premiering!

📯 Violet's Sisters! 📯

And now the family officially all have names! Or, at least, the immediate family! Future fics might give names to the rest of the chain but for now, the whole "Taylor Family" officially has fake names!

[xaeorian]

warnut

‘Warriors turns into a peanut’ by @tortilla-of-courage IS A LITERARY MASTERPIECE!!! EVERYONE GO AND READ IT!!

sketch too if u even care 😨

[arandomao3user]

So people who follow me for my Ao3 fics, I have come to you today to say I have received my very first podfic, by "@ItsYaBoiMothMan" the best name ever, honestly.

They were kind enough to not laugh the entire time as they recorded:

Summary:

Now, his parents hadn't exactly been around to give Tim any "talk" that you usually gave your pubery-ridden tween/ early teens when hormones start acting up, and his school didn't actually offer sex ed, so Tim made do with what he had.

The internet.

 

OR: Tim Drake is inexperienced with affection and relationships, and upon becoming nauseas one morning, naturally assumed he could only possibly be pregnant, naturally! His hypothesis also seems to be the cure for the Lazarus Pit, coincidentally

And, OF COURSE, the podfic:

If you like a heavy dose of crack with your enemy to caretaker Jason Todd & Tim Drake (platonic) fics, here you are!

---

[kenvamp]

may I humbly request more Four :D (maybe him with shadow?)

Shadow teaching Vio the acts of villainy (ft. The cain of Pacci)

[luna-loveboop]

It's all "links meet aus" and "zeldas meet aus", but where's my "companions meet aus"?

I wanna see midna bash fi and navis heads together for annoying her

I mean can you imagine the sheer chaos of all the Zelda companions meeting and going on a journey together? They're all companions/guides! One of thems a talking hat for hylias sake how are they supposed to take initiative?

I think it'd be like Lu where they all just meet up, but can you imagine the chain just somehow finds out this happened (and twilight is just like guys I am so sorry about midna) (but they're also really oddly touched that all their friends met each other too)

Pretty sure midna would be the sort of leader, since the last time she was in a foreign world she just found the nearest dude and started ordering him around. By like halfway through twilight princess she was literally asking LINK to accompany her to get what she needed.

But like. 90% of the group would be fairies. Which can't heal. One is a talking hat who just needs a head? He can't go on midnas cause she throws him off with her magic hair, poor ezlo is just trying to keep up.

They also have these weird green shadows who come around? They don't talk, but there's a rock, a fish, a bird, and a lady who just appear and stab things and shoot wind water fire and lightning.

Also midnas really confused why wolf link just shows up and kills things every now and then (from botw amibo)

Fi is the one who can talk to Hylia and awaken memories and get guidance and information or whatever, but she only does this by ballerina dancing and the others are always pissed at her anyways "WE DONT KNOW WHAT BATTERIES ARE OR A WII REMOTE WILL YOU PLEASE GO BACK IN SWORD FORM ALREADY" "I detect there is a 90% chance you need a key to open this door" "wow. Your perception is unparalleled fi."

Also there's a boat. A boat. Who is also good at taking charging since he's a king, which causes some friction between him and midna, since she has to grab him by her hair to move him half the time.

And with the fairies. Again. They all offer advice mainly. And with the fairies a lot of their main role is speaking and getting attention and pitching in? They come on an intersection and there's a chorus of bells all shouting the same directions. Ezlo is trying to cover the kings ears from his place on the boats head

Also there's this ghost/spirit of Zelda that everyone just feels REALLY strong loyalty to. But she's just like this kid who wants her body back?! They try to protect her but she can turn into a purple knight and stab things so there's that. I think there's also some animal companions from ooa/oos so.

Side quests are nonexistent they don't care about a village or gathering frogs for a kid they are there to save the world on a mission linear plot it is

And it's interesting because you have so many of them who just vanish and then appear to give loud advice. All at once. And the fighting skills basically fall to those weird green shadows that shoot various elements and fight and randomly disappear. Midna and spirit Zelda can fight, and Fi can too (kind of like how she fights as a sword in hyrule warriors). Also up to you if midna is drop dead gorgeous or devilish imp.

By the end they find whatever enemy so they can go back and midna is so pissed by this point that she hears the word "batteries" from Fi and goes full on fused shadow and just obliterates the jerk

***I have not played all the games so do not know or understand all of the companions and probably got some stuff wrong

Bonus: there is a child in a village named Link who does not have the spirit of the hero. He is stalked for three days until Fi decides his vibes are off and they all stop telling him he's the chosen one

[weepingtalecowboy]

Shadow the menace

Fanfic prompt: considering the fact that four had to deal with shadow straight up bombing him he probably would’ve learned to just bolt whenever a shadow creature is standing menacingly in the air

All of him learned it because even when he turned to the side of good he still drops the bombs on four (so that the colors remain vigilant because he is a good friend of course )

The chain ends up in his Hyrule and they certainly didn’t learn such a lesson so when they see a shadow appear they immediately prepare for combat

But the second they see the usually fearless four start running like hell is on his heels they followed especially because he kept cursing bad enough that even Wind looked concerned

And not a second to late because immediately after running behind a bolder an explosion goes off

And while the others are still trying to orientate themselves and stop the ringing in their ears (four was the only one covering his ears because of the amount of experience he has with explosives)

And they are helpless as they see the shadow link get close with only four still on his feet

For some reason four isn’t drawing his sword

They are doomed

When the shadow strikes at four everyone is already closing their eyes to not see him be killed

When they hear four screaming they open their eyes to see four on the ground and the shadow on him

And four just starts petting him

Wait what's happening right now?!

They quickly catch themselves standing up to fight the monster

But four just picks him up and hugs him close

TELLING HIM HE MISSED HIM !?!‘!.?,.KL!.!?

the chain then gets introduced to shadow and as they stare dumbfoundedly while following four to his grandfather’s house

Shadow somehow managed to one up his antics again when time tried to say hallo

That demon hissed at him and both four and his grandpa started to tell him to stop scaring him

The chain quickly found out there exists someone who somehow was even more horrible then all their worst enemies combined

That night they were forced to sleep with one eye open because shadow was staring at them from above the wardrobe (except for some ungodly reason Wind won that monster's favor because he and shadow were both pranking the chain they were like dynamite and fire )

Shadow is like a cat with eldrich powers and always hanging of four who doesn’t even flinch when the other bites him in the arm (he just keeps petting him )

The betrayal the entire chain felt when four (whose eyes looked very violett at that moment) said that they should probably learn how to safely escape from explosives and if shadow would be so kind as to show them

Was unparalleled by any other dread they have ever experienced

[portraitofalinkonfyre]

Knightmare In Toronto

Chapter 1: First Meetings

Main Masterlist | Fic Masterlist | Next Chapter

You awoke to a scream.

Having just laid down for a midday nap after an arduous night shift, one can imagine the irritation you felt as you shot up from your place on the couch, grumbling groggily like an old person.

"I swear to fucking- Who the fuck are you?!"

That is, until you caught sight of the screamer: a short, medievally-dressed man who looked like he had accidentally wandered in from the Renaissance Faire or escaped from the jousting pits of the Medieval Times restaurant. A large sword sheathed in a blue scabbard hung from his back, which was why you scrambled up, grabbed a pillow, and brandished it at this medieval home invader. "Answer me!"

To his credit, the man raised his hands and backed away, his expression shocked and apprehensive. Good. "I- Ma'am- Where am I?!"

"What does it look like?" You snarled. "This is my house, dipshit!"

"There's got to be some misunderstanding," as he stammered an explanation, you took inventory of his increasingly odd outfit. His shirt-... tunic(?) looked like he had taken four pieces of different colored fabric and sewn them together, then slapped some brown tights and jester boots on and called it a day. He was also really short, no more than five foot two if you were being generous. "The portal never drops us in houses, always clearings or streams, but that was only once-"

What the fuck?

"Are you on drugs?"

The man blinked, looking at you like you'd grown a second head. "I can assure you I'm not-"

"Then why are you in my house?" You asked cautiously, lowering your pillow just a smidge. He didn't seem the type to chop you up and bury your bones, but one could never be too careful.

"Well, there's this portal-"

"Drugs."

"-No. But it usually drops us off outside," you watched apprehensively as he ran a hand through his stick-straight blonde hair, which was long enough that the only thing holding it back was the thick green bandana around his head. "Would you be so kind as to tell me what region we're in?"

...Region? This guy really was weird, but at least he hadn't tried anything funny with that sword of his. "Uh... Toronto."

It was almost funny how quickly the guy's face changed from inquisitive to downright baffled. "Excuse me, but I don't think I heard you right?"

As weird as having an intellectual conversation about location with a home intruder in your living room was, you couldn't say you were surprised; trouble always seemed to find you one way or another. "We're in Toronto," nothing. You pressed further. "You know, Canada."

"...What?"

The silence spoke volumes as you stared each other down, though you eventaully broke it with an exhausted sigh. "Listen, man, I'm just trying to get some sleep. I'll get you a map and you don't steal my throw blankets, deal?"

Without waiting for a response, you hightailed it to the kitchen of your two-story rambler and retrieved a map from the far cupboard. Your on-and-off job at a tourist company came with many perks, some of which being: yearly adventure passes to the 12-and-under under-the-sea theme park, Royal Ontario Museum tickets during the busiest time in touring season, and a full crate of maps that would never see the light of day.

Until now, that is.

The strange man was still in your living room when you sauntered back in, though he had turned his attention to your television, a box of an appliance you pilfered from a garage sale a few years back. He was poking it with a distinct air of confusion, which only cemented your belief that he was on some type of drug--it was almost like he had teleported here from the fucking medieval era instead of breaking in through your-... well, you didn't actually know where or how he had broken in, but you sure as hell would find out after this conundrum. You held out the map. "Here," you watched as he unfurled the thing, looking no less baffled than he had a minute ago. "I assume you can read?"

The man nodded, all traces of his earlier panic gone. "Thank you for your help. I'm Four.

"(Y/n)," you responded, half-wondering who on earth would name their kid that.

"Say, you wouldn't be able to tell me where the hero of this land is?"

"The... hero?" You echoed. "You mean the prime minister-?"

You would have put more thought into the depths of this insanity, but there was a loud crash in the kitchen that overwrote all desire to discretely call an ambulance for the poor guy. Four was hot on your heels as you rushed to the kitchen, having drawn his sword. "Watch the fuck where you're putting that," you tried to say, but a new voice shocked you into silence.

"Oww, Legend!" In the middle of your pristine floor was another blonde stranger, though he seemed no older than twelve or thirteen. A light blue tunic with gray sleeves hung down nearly to his knees, clothed in gaudy orange tights. Sky blue eyes turned to you and Four. "Where am I?"

Behind you, Four re-sheathed his sword. You breathed a sigh of relief, but it was for naught when the teenager practically sprung up to vigorously shake your hand. "Hi! I'm L- er, Wind! What's your name?"

You told him, feeling quite numb at his point.

"Cool name! You're so tall, I think you might be taller than Twilight and T..." you were already beginning to block him out, looking to Four for answers.

"I don't suppose you know anything about this?"

"I told you; portal," said Four, like that solved everything.

"I think I'm on drugs," you muttered, thinking back to that new Chinese restaurant you tried last night, at the same time Wind chimed in: "You told them?"

Four opened his mouth to respond, but you cut him off. "Okay, I don't know who or why you are, but you need to leave. Now."

"Aww," Wind pouted. "But you haven't met everyone!"

Not that you'd say it to his face, but you didn't think you wanted to. "I'll be fine. And so will you. I gave your... friend a map."

"Oh, alright," said Wind, if not a bit dejected. One of your heartstrings twinged. "Thank you."

"Anytime," you turned to Four. "You'll be fine?"

"Should be," he sighed. "We've been in these kinds of situations before."

Okay, now you felt a bit bad. Sure, they had broken into your house and scared the living daylights out of you, but it wasn't like they had been rude. Despite the impossible circumstances, Four and Wind seemed like decent guys who ended up at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Wait," two sets of eyes turned to you. "...It would be cruel to make you leave without a bite to eat."

Both Four and Wind grin, and it's almost uncanny how similar they look. You offer a small smile, snag a small paper bag from the counter, and make a b-line for the middle cupboard, where a few packs of trail mix can be found. You shove all five in the bag, then add a few protein bars and tangerines for good measure. "Y'all don't have any food allergies, right?"

"Nope," says Four, right as Wind chimes: "Nu-uh!"

Cute, you think before you can stop yourself. "Good, hope you like tangerines and a whole lot of peanuts."

The brown paper crinkles as you fold it down, using a teal paperclip to secure it for good measure. You proudly hand the bag to Wind, who smiles like he just got his dream birthday present. Four nods to you, smiling in a far calmer manner. "We'll be going now, thanks for everything."

"Stay safe," is what you said, or, rather, what you would have said if the air above you hadn't inexplicably reformed in the form of a heavy object dropping down on you, knocking you to the ground as Wind's screams rang out. As you lay, prone and aching, on the unwashed floor, your last thought before unconsciousness was that you really needed to get rid of those maps.

That's a wrap! I hope you all enjoyed reading this as I did writing it, so be sure to reboot or leave a comment if you liked it!

All LU characters belong to JoJo!

[sprite-and-the-bunnydragons]

GREB FANS REJOICE!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/63849898

(For those who don’t know about Greb, he is Four. Four is Greb. Summary of the Fic: Shadow lives! And causes Problems.)

[hotcheetohatredwastaken]

Cheeto, do you think Wild is chaotic enough to try getting a bokoblin into people clothes? If so, what do you think he would try putting them in?

Hi, taddy <3. this was not a writing prompt. My brain took it as one. By Hylia this WILL be a oneshot. I... ya'll can check it out on Ao3 if you want here. No warnings for this fic other than my own stupidity.

“Wild.”

“Twilight.”

“Wild.” Twilight pinched the bridge of his nose. “How did you manage this? Why would you even...” He let out a frustrated sound, unable to put the situation in front of them into words. He said at last, defeated, “Why?”

“Be-cause, Twi-light,” Wild sang back happily. A huge grin split his face. “It wasn't hard. Bokoblins aren't that vicious, you just gotta be fast. And look, now it's harmless as a puppy.”

The unlucky bokoblin that had become Wild's latest victim stood, stiff and startled, in the center of the abandoned monster camp. Like a shivering dog wearing oversized shoes, it very, very carefully raised a knobby leg to inspect the colorful fabric that poofed out around its waist. When the stiff fabric flared up with the movement, fluttering at the edges, the bokoblin yelped and skittered away. The fabric, of course, followed, and the monster screamed out a horrible, frightened shriek that rang in Twilight's ears. Wild cackled. Behind them, the heroes chuckled and murmured at the sight. They’d planned to take out the straggler as they passed through the monster camp before they settled a little way away for the night. Wild, however, had motioned for them to stay back with his signature “I am up to trouble” expression plastered across his face, and he'd even managed to argue Time down with the assurance that this idea was “super tame, just a little fun, I promise no one gets hurt, and I'll deal with the bokoblin myself.” Twilight just wanted to know why his “tame” ideas somehow included a pink tutu shoved over an unsuspecting monster's head. He didn't even know where Wild could have gotten the article of clothing. “Wild...” Twilight began. “Wild, I don't think that no—”

At that moment, the bokoblin tripped over itself and sprawled into the grass. It paid the heroes and their renewed roaring laughter no mind as it crawled away frantically, beating at the puffed tutu around its waist with its fists. With every hit, the fabric sprung back up into its former shape, frightening the monster further. Finally, the bokoblin went limp on the ground, resigned to its fate. Twilight felt something in his heart twist at the sight of its big, wet pleading eyes turned his way. Even if those eyes belonged to a monster. “Wild,” Twilight said more firmly, over the rest of the heroes' laughter. “This’s cruel. Either kill the poor thing, or let it go. You know better than to torment your enemies. You're a hero—behave like one.”

Some of the heroes stifled their laughter or hid it behind their hands, but Wild didn't even try to act ashamed. He delightedly cackled in Twilight's face and flung his hands out in challenge. “You're welcome to try to take it off yourself, Mr. Hero.”

Twilight stared Wild down, willing him with all of his being to back off before they got into a fight in front of the whole Chain. Wild's smirk didn't waver, nor would it, not now that Wind was whispering excitedly to Warrior, and Legend was murmuring in displeasure to Four and Sky, and money was exchanging hands in the group. Even Twilight's glance to Time for aid was met with an amused shrug and a tip of the head that meant your kid, your problem. From the ground, the bokoblin let out a warbling, miserable little plea.

Twilight, gritting his teeth, was the first to blink. “We are going to talk about this later,” he promised Wild. That finally got a reaction out of Wild—his face paled, and his smile dropped just a little—but Twilight ignored it as he turned to the bokoblin on the ground. It was kicking lamely in an attempt to dislodge the tutu, which was muddy and torn now, no longer a bright fluffy pink, from its legs. At Twilight's approach, however, it turned its attention to him, baring its fanged teeth.

“Alla’ya’ll stand back,” Twilight ordered. He rolled up his sleeves. “Wild, we will be having that talk ‘bout your behavior later. I am very disappointed in you.”

The heroes shouted and the bokoblin squalled as Twilight pounced upon it. When he came away a few minutes later with the tutu clutched in his fist—torn directly in half, since the bokoblin wouldn't cooperate with his efforts to pull the offending piece of clothing over its head—the heroes all hooted and hollered triumphantly. The bokoblin, back in its customary loincloth, scrambled away without a backwards glance into the undergrowth.

Twilight was in no mood to celebrate. Wild, at least, now had the decency to wince at the sight of the sluggishly bleeding scratches on Twilight's arms, even as the rest of the heroes cheered. Twilight flung the ruined tutu into Wild's face, then grumpily stomped off towards the nearest river to clean up. 

[huh-1260]

How do I tell my brain to stop coming up with LU crack fics.

Like I don't care brain that the Chain ended up in ancient Hytopia and Warriors, Wild and Legend end up doing some shenanigans that end up making the totem prophecy just so I can use the other magical girl design for Wars for shits and giggles and when Legend realizes at the end he screams "It was you!!!" Because of the costumes they ended up wearing caused Hytopia's obsession with fashion and having three heros team.

I want to work on Fluffvember in peace and finish up some Whump prompts

[tashacee]

Aspects of Engineering

Wild was beyond excited to visit Spirit’s family in Castle Town.

Admittedly, at first he had been a little confused that this so-called ‘family visit’ had taken them to the Engineer’s Hub, but Spirit had explained that while he had been taken in by Niko as a baby, he had essentially been raised in a collaboration between the old man and by the engineers, who he happily described as ‘my seventy three parents!’. It maybe wasn’t the most conventional way of growing up that Wild had ever heard of, but what did he know? He’d woken up fully grown with no memories and had to re-learn how to be a person on an isolated plateau with nothing but a ghost, a bunch of cats, and a statue of the goddess for company.

But when they entered the workshop, much as it was clear that this was a busy, active place, filled with all sorts of strange and incredible tools and gizmos, there was no sound of any work taking place. No tools clanging, no gears grinding, no shouts of people at work chatting and laughing. The workshop was silent, and even to Wild who had never been here before, it felt wrong.

He looked around, rumbling softly in unease. He didn’t want to say anything in case this was normal, but judging from the look on Spirit’s face, this had not been what he had been expecting.

“Guys?” Spirit called, his voice tinged with nerves as he led them deeper into the workshop, twisting around empty aisles and past workbenches, projects abandoned half finished on the countertops. “Alfonzo? Juanita? Fred?”

Read the rest on AO3!