#lil cide

[llimerrence]

it's fun seeing my therapist's face twist in disgust when i talk about my birth giver's bullshit lol

[neteyamssock]

──★ ˙🧷 ̟ !! 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓮𝓭 𝓶𝓮 𝓪𝓷 𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓽𝔂

★ ˙🧷 ̟ pairing: neteyam x fem!reader

★ ˙🧷 ̟ summary: when you thought nothing could be more devastating than his death.

★ ˙🧷 ̟ wordcount: 0.6k (a drabble)

★ ˙🧷 ̟ content warning/tags: agedup! characters, established relationship, major character death, angst, a lil plot bunny (about tsaheylu), implied attempted su!cide (just implied, but be warned), unexpected pregnancy, grief, mourning.

★ ˙🧷 ̟ text divider credit to @/enchanthings

MASTERLIST

When Neteyam returned to Eywa’s embrace, as his mate, you felt the world had turned gray. The tsawke no longer shines, the eclipse had become a lot colder without his presence by your sides. Oftentimes, you would wake up with your face full of tears, not even remembering what you have dreamt before. You’d sit alone in the shore of awa’atlu, hoping that after blinking he’d still be standing in the water, playing with Tuk and Kiri. You’d sing his songchord every morning, savoring the bittersweet taste in your tongue as you call his name. 

Neytiri understood your pain, as she would join you in singing his song. A mother and a wife who both lost a big chunk of their heart. She’d lull you back to sleep every time you wake up in distress, calling for Neteyam’s name, begging him to stay. She’d cry with you, and you’d look at her face that resembles him so much, and you’d cry even further.

Everyone is mourning in their own ways, even those who loves to laugh and too innocent for this world had turned silent, crying when she misses her older brother.  At times, you’d wake up and ask yourself, why still go on? Why keep living when your lifeline had already left you behind? What’s the point of deluding yourself that you can keep going, when’s he’s the only reason you’re fighting? 

You thought nothing could be more devastating than this. Waking up knowing the space beside you will no longer be warm, no arms to hold your waist, no lips to whisper sweet nothings to your ears as you bask in bliss. You thought nothing could destroy you how his passing had shattered you to pieces.

“You’re with a child,”

The sinking feeling in your stomach became an abyss that swallowed you whole. Just when you’re about to be free, he shackled you to life of pain once again.

“N-no! It can’t b-be! Please tell me its not true!” You let out a wail, pain tearing through you as you call for him. Neytiri cried with you, hugging you as you flail in disbelief. She’s trying to calm you down, but how can you? How can you calm down knowing that another child in his world would live without a father? How can you calm down knowing that he’ll never be there to teach your child the way of the world?

How can you care for another life when you’re barely able to stop the crumbling of your own?

“They said that pregnant na’vis will always be in constant pain, and the only way to ease the pain is to have tsaheylu.’Teyam, I’m scared…”

“I’d always be there, yawne. You do not have to be afraid.”

“Liar…he’s a liar, LIAR!” You screamed as you continued hitting your stomach. You want it out. It cannot live. It cannot!

“______ please, stop! Please, i’m begging you!” 

He said he’ll always be there with you every step of the way. He said he’d never abandon you. He said not even death could take him away from you. When he was kissing you he’d whisper that he’ll do everything to be with you forever, that he will never make you experience pain and sadness. But he’s simply a liar. He abandoned you. He made you feel pain worse than death. All of the things he said were lies. He left you to deal with the world of pain, leaving you alone in this dark world. 

And now, he even left you a child. How cruel, Neteyam. How cruel of you.

Why did you leave me alone? How can you do this to me? Don’t you love me? When you promised me an eternity you didn’t say you wouldn’t be there with me. When you promised me a big family, you said you’d build them with me.

But now i’m alone. With this child you left behind.

Just when I was about to follow you, you gave me another reason to stay living in this world of agony. 

[bones4thecats]

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[glitch-karma]

Hi there! If requests are still opened, i'd love to make one :o (although it's a bit lengthy, so if you don't want to do it I understand!!)

TW for s**cide mentions from here forward btw! (common with any dazai fic, lolz)

I'd love to request a dazai x reader (fem or gn will work!) where he asks reader to commit double suicide with him, and to literally everyone's shock, they agree! So the agency (mainly kunikida and atsushi) have to repeatedly sabatoge their attempts, and during that time, the two start to get to know eachother better and grow closer whilst they aren't plotting their own demises. Eventually dazai starts to fall for them, but one day reader tries to attempt on their own life solo due to being unable to handle the pains and pressures of life anymore. Ofc they were rescued just in time, but it made him realize that he wants to see reader safe and happy, and that he had finally found his reason to live through his love for them. Extra points if he confesses his love at some point and reader accepts!!

Sorry if this was rant-y, i'm a huge sucker for angst to comfort :P either way tho, i hope you have a lovely rest of your day/night!

THIS RIGHT HERE IS A BEAUTIFUL STORY OH MY!!!!

-F!Y/n

-Y/n is a new worker at the Cafe under the ADA

-MAJOR SUICIDE WARNING!! (Including but not limited to: Blood, pills, self-harm, etc..) I am a sucker for graphic detail so you have been warned

-Also warning for puke

-Reader is kinda based off of Mafuyu from Project Sekai cause I said so (Btw pjsk simps gonna open up reqs for them when they become open again‼️)

-also reader has dull eyes cause anime logic

I did probably a concerning amount of research on suicide, (Plus looked for so long for Dazai's stupid lil book) for this so I hope you enjoy!

_____

Break time at the Armed detective agency usually means having some coffee at their favorite cafe. As the group sat down Dazai was glancing around when his eyes caught the sight of the new waitress waiting next to a barista Dazai frequently flirted with. The girl had semi-messy h/c colored hair, her eyes a dull e/c. Her features framed her face so beautifully. Dazai's mouth curled into a smirk as he stared at her. Kunikida caught wind and immediately irked. "Dazai.."

As the waitress approached the table, Dazai read the name stage reading "Y/n". He smiled as she stopped at their table. Before she could get a word out Dazai grabbed her hand in his. "Such soft hands.. And beautiful eyes as well. Would you, Belladona, do me the honors of accompanying me to a double suicide?"

WHACK

Dazai was now lying on the floor, as Kunikida brushed himself off. "I'm so sorry Ma'am, he's always like this-" Atsushi apologized as Y/n leaned down to the man on the floor. "I'd gladly join a double suicide." She smiled down at him.

. . .

"WHAT!?!"

"Really!?!" Dazai yelled as he stood up, grabbing Y/n's hand again. Y/n chuckled as she nodded at him. "I get off at 6. You work in this building correct? I'll meet you on the roof." "Yes yes, that sounds wonderful~!"

Everyone at the table stared shell-shocked as Y/n takes their order normally like nothing just happened. As dazai kicked his legs in his own little world, Kunikida Atsushi and Junichiro all stared at each other in concern. Kunikida pulled them behind a menu quickly.

"As much as I'd love to let that dimwitt meet his end, we need him and that girl to stay alive. It isn't right letting a young lady with so much life in her die with that blasted Dazai." Kunikida sighed. Atsushi and Junichiro nodded in sync.

"Once Dazai leaves to meet her we should follow them," Atsushi whispered. Junichiro hummed in agreement. "It's decided then." Junichiro finished. The three quickly separated from the menu as Y/n walked over and set down their drinks. As she walked away dazai starstruck-ingly called out; "See you tonight Madameeee~". Y/n peeked over her shoulder, smiling at him. Dazai felt his heart flutter a bit at those beautifully dull eyes.. They seemed to draw him in for more.

...

As Dazai whipped open the doors to the building roof, he caught sight of the lady ready to accompany him with his final dance. Her hair was gently blowing in the warm Yokohama breeze as she stared off into the sky. What was she looking at? Dazai didn't know. But her eyes looked so sickeningly dull in that moment. But still, so beautiful..

"I'm pleasantly surprised to see you here! I was concerned you agreed simply to make me leave you alone." The dark-eyed man said, leaning next to her. "I'd never joke about suicide. Such a beautiful ending to a sick existence." Y/n spoke lowly. In the cafe, she had a sort of customer voice, but there was no trace of it here. Dazai smirked a bit at this.

"I should let you know now, I'm not interested in pain. I don't know exactly what you're into though.." Dazai teased her. "Pain is not something I'm looking for either. Just a quick ending."

Dazai chuckled, quickly whipping out his little red book. "Suffocation, Hanging, Poisoning, Shooting, Jumping," He read off as Y/n stared at him. Only blinking in response. "All the ideas you could storm up are right here in this very book."

"Ah! What a glorious book,, if I wasn't planning on dying I'd buy a copy.." Y/n smiled lightly. "But.." she continued, grabbing the book and shutting it quickly. "I'd like to try jumping first."

With a quick grab of Dazai's shirt, the two were suddenly falling off the roof of the building. Y/n shut her eyes, waiting for the end of it all.

Poof.

The two landed on a bunch of garbage bags stacked up on each other. Y/n quickly sat up in disappointment as Dazai lay on the ground is fear and confusion. "Dang."

Dazai suddenly bursted into laughter. Y/n hummed, turning to him. "What's so funny?" Dazai wiped a tear from his eye as he sat up too. "You're the most forward suicidal girl I've ever met, my dear Y/n." He chuckled. Y/n blushed lightly before standing up.

"No matter.. We'll try again. Tomorrow. You can choose the method." She smiled at him. Dazai chuckled as he stood, lending her a hand up as he did so. "It's a date." He joked.

. .

"GAHHHH I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T GONNA MAKE IT." "Oh be quiet Atsushi, my Ideals were almost perfect."

There were the secret team, two sweaty messes, and one writing vigorously in his notebook. The three had watched Dazai enter the roof before running down to prepare in case they jumped, finishing just before they did.

"This might be a long couple of days.." Junichiro said quietly.

...

Day 2

"Oiiiii! Y/n dear!" Dazai yelled as he entered the roof. "Ah, hello Dazai." the girl lightly smiled. "What will we be doing today?"

Time after time,

Day 3

"Oh, Y/n you're here late! Well? Shall we begin?"

Attempt after attempt,

Week 3

"Dazai! Hurry we'll miss the train!" "Yes yes, my dear!"

The two met almost every day.

Month 2

The two had been testing the faith of this world as they attempted suicide again and again. Slowly, Dazai started to see something he hadn't before. Something fluttered in his chest..

The way she gets so distracted, the way she turned to yell at him when he took a joke too far, the way her nose scrunched up in such a way, those eyes.. Those beautifully dull eyes.

What was this feeling in Dazai's chest?

As Dazai thought intensely at his desk the others in the office grew worried. "What's up with Dazai today?" Atsushi mumbled. "I'm not sure.. I've never seen him think this much before."

"It's so clear what his problem is." Ranpo mumbled as he sucked on a loli. Dazai's head shot up immediately. "You know what this feeling is in my chest!? Please, explain Ranpo! Have I been poisoned? Is it fatal? Will I finally die? I can't die without Y/n."

Ranpo sighed as he bit off the lollipop. "No nothing of the sort, you're simply in love with that cafe waitress."

...

"Did he really just say that in front of us all!?"

Everyone at the agency thought in shock. Dazai's eyes were wide as he stared at Ranpo. His cheeks were flushed as he pondered the idea. The great Dazai? In love?

"This feeling in my chest.." He thought in shock. "That's a heart by the way," Ranpo smirked at the flustered Dazai. Dazai looked down for a moment, before springing up. He slammed his fist down loudly."This is..."

"Truly wonderful!!"

Dazai yelled as he pranced around the office. The majority of the group stared in dismay as he did so. "Ah, how perfect! I'm in love with the person I plan to meet my end with! We can plan a lovelier more passionate suicide now! How beautiful!"

"I should go confess right away! We can begin planning for our end together!" Dazai screamed with giddy as he threw his jacket on quickly. Ranpo's eyes scrunched together lightly as he thought. "You should go quickly, Dazai." He said as Dazai flung open the door.

"Will do!" Dazai yelled, running down the stairs to the cafe. As he opened the doors, he inhaled the lovely aroma of coffee before calling out. "Y/n my dear! I need to tell you something import-"

To Dazai's dismay, Y/n was nowhere to be seen in the cafe. He blinked a few times before walking towards one of the other workers. "Is Y/n here?" He asked with a hand covering his face.

"Ah, I'm sorry Dazai she didn't come in for her shift this morning.." The barista explained. Dazai's head popped up in surprise. "Uh, really?"

"Mhm, She didn't call in either. It's unlike her. She usually at least gives a call if she's gonna be late." The girl explained. Dazai's eyes furrowed as he thought.

"You should go quickly, Dazai."

Dazai's eyes shot open as he stared at the ground for a moment. "No.."

"Uh, Dazai?" The barista asked him. Dazai turned quickly, running out of the cafe in a hurry. His breath grew ragged as he ran quickly. He stopped in front of a familiar apartment complex to breathe. He then quickly ran in, ignoring the calls from a front desk worker. He sprinted and sprinted as he burst into Y/n's bedroom. "Y/n!" He screamed.

His eyes quickly scanned the room, finding it neatly tidied instead of the mess it was when he first visited her here. He then noticed the bathroom door shut tightly, while steam lightly flowed out of it. He ran to the door, trying the handle only to find it locked.

"Y/n!" He yelled, banging on the door. No answer. Dazai backed up quickly, before slamming his shoulder into the door, causing it to fly off its hinges. He looked up from the floor, seeing the sight he wanted to stop.

(Last major TW before we continue.)

Y/n laid in the bathtub fully clothed. The water from the faucet flowed continually, causing the room to fill with steam. A bottle of some unmarked pills laid on the bathroom floor, followed by a knife of which she'd used to make her wrist bleed. The fresh red liquid had been used to fill a small vile next to her.

Dazai quickly stood up, stopping the water before reaching his hands into the hot water. He wrapped his arms around Y/n's figure, lifting her up into his arms before placing her on the floor gently. He quickly ran to the medicine cabinet, grabbing a cotton swab and a roll of bandages.

He ran back to her fast, checking her pulse before sticking the cotton swab deep into her throat repeatedly until a steady stream of fresh puke left her lips. He pulled her into his arms as she came to, putting pressure on her wrist. Y/n's head felt fuzzy as she looked up at him. "Dazai.."

"Ah, you're conscious. Please stay awake, and don't move too much." Dazai whispered lowly. Y/n's head fog cleared as she came to. Realizing she'd been saved.

"No.." She mumbled as hot tears began to form. She suddenly became enraged. "Why you of all people.." "Y/n?"

"I thought you understood.. I just want to disappear from this world. Don't you get it?"

"I want to save you. I want to live with you, even if it's only for a bit before we depart together. There's still so much I don't know about you. Y/n, I-"

"Stop it!!" Y/n screamed, kicking Dazai away. "Don't you dare say it! What can you do? You may save me for a bit, you may make me feel happy for a short while, but then what!? One day it won't work anymore! And I'll want to die again!"

She was shouting.

"That's why this is all too much! Just let me have a clean death alone! You're so selfish for even coming here and spouting that bull shit!"

Without even realizing it, Y/n was shouting.

"I'm tired..! I'm so tired of thinking there's hope! Tired of waiting, finding something close, then watching it disappear! I'll never find what I'm looking for! I'll... I'll never truly be saved! Don't you see Dazai!?"

Dazai's eyes stayed still as he watched the girl scream.

"I'm so tired.. So tired.! Don't let me despair anymore.. Just let me rot."

The silence in the room was sickening. No one dared move.

Until Dazai broke the silence by cackling. Y/n sniffled confused as she stared at him. "I just keep seeing new sides of you Y/n.. You really are sickeningly complicated." He smirked at her as he inched closer.

Dazai's lips suddenly slammed into Y/n's. The girl's eyes opened wide as she stared at him. After a few seconds, dazai pulled away, a small string of saliva trailing behind. He licked his lips lightly before speaking:

"You called me selfish for saving you.." Dazai spoke before leaning close to Y/n's ear. "But I'm an incredibly greedy man my dear.."

Y/n's face flushed more as Dazai grabbed her wrist, wrapping her wound up tightly. "Even if it takes me saving you a thousand times, I'll do it all over again. So we can have the perfect suicide together."

Y/n breathes in shakily as Dazai kisses her hand gently.

"So, let's try this again. Y/n, my dear. I'm in love with you. Will you join me, in living and dying in this life?"

Dazai's words brought more tears into Y/n's eyes as she nodded lightly.

"Yes."

-Fin-

[lovegalor333]

fresh start

part eight (chapter 22-24) previous part • next part

word count: 6.8k

content warnings: mentions of su*cide homophobia self-h*rm

Lily

Kelsey, Kayla and I had met for lunch and were sat together in the cafeteria waiting for Paige and the girls to finish their workout.

"How many follow requests do you have now?" Kelsey asks peering over my shoulder as I scroll on my phone.

"I think it's at like twelve thousand." I say as I navigate to Instagram to check, "Twelve thousand, one hundred and sixty three." I confirm.

Paige tagged me in a story for the first time this morning and after the pictures and videos of us after the game came out, of course people have been curious as to who I am. I have a private page so all people can see is my profile picture and that induces enough anxiety I know I'm not ready for them to see my whole feed just yet.

"You're going to be famous! Have you seen the TikTok edits?" My roommate asks, practically bouncing in her seat.

"Yes, but have you seen the comments?" My stomach flips at the memory of last night.

I stayed off of social media for as long as possible after the game just to avoid the initial reaction to Paige and me but as soon as I went on TikTok, I was inundated. Despite everyone telling me to not open the comments, I did and I couldn't stop scrolling once I started.

Of course there were nice comments too but the ones that stood out, the ones that have stayed in my head have been the nasty ones. A lot of people have enjoyed telling me how ugly and disgusting I am, how I don't deserve Paige and how she could do so much better.

"Girl, you have to ignore those. They're coming from literal children that are jealous. Do you know how much hate I got when I first started hanging out with the team?" Kayla chimes in.

"Does it get any better?" I half laugh, half huff hoping her answer is yes.

"Once they realise you're not going anywhere, it'll ease up. It's part and parcel of WAG life unfortunately, someones always going to want to be you." Kayla says and I'd be lying if I said the haters weren't planting seeds of doubt in my mind about whether I'm strong enough for this.

"I couldn't workout multiple times a day! I don't know how they do it." Kelsey lightens the mood as she nibbles on her cookie.

"Me either." I agree and gulped down the remainder of my water hoping it would ease the sudden headache that I had.

I got up to refill my bottle and was hit with a random wave of intense dizziness. If it wasn't 1PM on a Tuesday you'd think I was drunk.

"Your neck is kinda red Lils." Kayla says pointing towards my neck as I joined her and Kelsey again.

My hand instinctively goes to my neck and its warm to the touch and slightly itchy and that's when I realise what's happening.

"Shit!" I exclaim grabbing the empty salad box from the table in front of me and I scan the ingredients list frantically.

"What's happening?" Kayla asks leaning towards me.

"I think I'm having an allergic reaction. Actually...I know I'm having an allergic reaction." I breath out in jagged breaths as I start to panic but also because I was most likely going into anaphylaxis.

"Holy fuck!" Kelsey exclaims, standing up, "Where's your EpiPen?"

"In my bag." I tell her and I suddenly feel extremely sick and as if I'm about to faint.

My body temperature is rising and I feel disoriented and confused.

Kelsey hands me my EpiPen and I administer it they way I was taught. Removing the blue safety cap and quickly jabbing it into to my thigh, but my lightheadedness only increases and I know for sure I'm about to faint.

Paige

The doors to the gym swing open and smack into the wall causing us to all turn and see who had made such a loud entrance.

"Kelsey?" I say confused as Lilys best friend hurries in the gym, "I know I said I'd meet y'all and one o'clock but I'm not that late." I laugh glancing at the time and seeing it's only ten past the hour.

Kelsey shakes her head as she reaches me breathless, "It's not that. It's Lily, we had to call 911."

It feels as though I've been hit by a truck, my knees go weak and almost buckle beneath me and I felt vomit rise in my throat.

"What?!" I exclaim, scrambling to grab my phone from the floor to check if I'd missed anything, "What happened?"

"She had a reaction. We think she ate something containing nuts, the ambulance is on the way." Kelsey explains and I look towards my teammates almost as though I was stuck in place, unable to move.

"Go!" Nika urges throwing me the t-shirt she had over her shoulder because I was dressed in just a sports bra and shorts after our workout.

I catch the shirt and hurry after Kelsey out of the gym.

"Text me!" Azzi calls after me and I don't have time to reply, I'm just focused on getting to Lily as quickly as possible.

The usual quick walk from the gym to the cafeteria felt like it took hours even when I was running. I finally see the ambulance as Kelsey and I rounded the corner and the sight of the vehicle calmed me slightly knowing Lily was in safe hands.

"Lily?" I called out as we jogged into the cafeteria, although I don't know why, I didn't expect her to respond. From what Kelsey had said, she was in a bad way.

"Oh my god, Lily." When I see her, she's already laid on a stretcher, an oxygen mask secured over her mouth and nose, her is sleeve rolled up and there's an IV connected to her arm.

Her eyes are in an inbetween state of half opened and half closed, she looks as though she's just falling asleep or waking up.

"Is someone coming in the ambulance?" The paramedic asks looking at all of us around Lily.

"Me." I say on impulse.

"I'll follow in my car." Kayla says gathering her belongings.

I follow behind the paramedics wheeling Lily to the ambulance and pull the shirt Nika gave me over my head.

"Is she going to be OK?" I timidly ask the paramedics as they load Lily into the ambulance.

"She administered the adrenaline quickly so she'll be fine. With anaphylaxis, there can be a biphasic response, a secondary reaction, so it's best to be at the hospital in case that happens."

"Paige..." I hear Lilys low, muffled voice call out my name.

"Hey, I'm here." I say tenderly reaching for her hand as the ambulance begins to drive.

Her eyes are still heavy and hooded and if I didn't know better, I'd think she was drunk or high. She tries to pull down her oxygen mask, "Keep that on pretty girl, it's helping you." I say moving her hand away.

The journey to the hospital was quick and mostly silent apart from my words of encouragement to my girlfriend. Her eyes would flicker open every now and then and she'd squeeze my hand, communicating without words.

We were put in a room as soon as we arrived and multiple doctors and nurses bustled in and out tending to Lily.

I listen intently to each thing they said. Lily was being treated with more adrenaline, oxygen and fluids intravenously. She would make a full recovery.

"We'd like to keep you here for a few hours, Miss Kent. Just to monitor your condition and ensure there isn't a secondary reaction. Your blood pressure is increasing so you should start to feel normal again soon." The nurse says to Lily before excusing herself, leaving us alone.

"How are you feeling?" I ask walking over to Lilys bedside.

She pulls down the oxygen mask and I let her this time, "Better." She says, her voice weak and childlike.

"Good because you had me scared me for a second." I say smoothing down her hair.

"I was scared too." She tells me and she begins to silently cry, tears running down her face. "I've always had a pretty good handle on my allergy, this made me feel so...out of control."

"Oh Lily," I say wiping her tears as they fall, "accidents happen baby. You handled it exactly the way you should have. I'm proud of you." I tell her wrapping her in a hug as best I could while she was laid down and I was stood over her.

"I'm usually so careful with checking ingredients but I must have missed something." She continues and pushes herself up slightly so she's sitting.

"I know, but you're OK Lily," I reassure her, my hand cupping her cheek, "you can't blame yourself, things get missed sometimes and we can't help that, we just have to deal with it and you did."

"I don't even remember what happened clearly. I just remember my head hurting so bad and then all of a sudden I was on a stretcher with this mask on and you were there, with no shirt on." She weakly jokes raising her brows cheekily, "I think that's what brought me back to life."

I laugh, "Still got a sense of humour, I see. I worked hard on these abs, glad to know they're saving lives."

"Maybe if you flash them again, we'll get out of here quicker."

"Or maybe you're blood pressure will raise too much and we'll be here all night, so relax please."

Lily was discharged from hospital four hours later, with two new EpiPens and antihistamines that she needed to take for the next few days.

Kayla drove us all back to campus and dropped me off with Lily and Kelsey at their apartment.

"Thank you, K." Lily says as we climb out of the car.

"No worries, Lil. Get some rest." Kayla replies and waves us goodbye.

"I don't think I can even make it to the apartment, my legs feel like jello." Lily says holding onto my arm in support.

"I don't don't spend hours in the gym for nothing." I say crouching down in front of her so I could give her a piggyback ride, "Hop on."

Lily climbs on my back and I carry her into the apartment block and into the elevator. We follow Kelsey through the front door and I lower Lily onto her bed.

"What would I do without you?" She says reaching out for me.

"Don't even think about that, you've got me." I say and we lay side by side on her bed in comfortable silence.

"So how about seeing those abs." Lily says after a while, her hand trailing up under my shirt and I laugh.

"Anything for you."

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

Lily

I was finally starting to feel better after my allergic reaction a few days ago and just starting to get back to normal again after taking time off work and away from classes to recover.

I've always been extremely careful with my allergy, taking extra care when I eat out to make sure everything is safe and up until now I've managed to never have such a severe reaction so in a way I felt like I have failed. I couldn't keep myself safe. I couldn't do the one thing that really matters and it scared me. What if it happens again? And even worse, what if I'm alone when it happens? I was lucky to have my friends by my side this time. I was used to being in control and being so out of control wasn't something I wanted to experience again.

I force myself to stop thinking so negatively because that never ends well and I walk out of my bedroom and into our living room. All my roommates were out so I was home alone, not that I minded much.

Every surface was home to a beautiful bunch of flowers, gifted to me by my friends, people I worked with and of course Paige. Paiges bouquet was the most extravagant and took pride of place in the centre of our dining table. I smiled as I passed the full vases feeling very thankful for my friends and girlfriend.

I had held off calling home and telling my parents about my hospital visit because I knew it would turn into a lecture of some kind but Thanksgiving was coming up and I needed to know our plans because I'd be going back to Boston for a few days.

I settled myself into the couch, pulling a fluffy blanket over the bottom half of my body and pressed call on my moms contact. The dialling tone rang and rang and rang until I was eventually met with her answering machine. I decided to try my dad and I just as I thought he wasn't going to pick up either, at the last second he did.

"Hello, Lily." My dads voice spoke stern and serious as always through my phone.

"Hi, Dad. I tried to call Mom but I got her voicemail. Is everything OK? I wanted to talk to you both." I say.

"Your mother is here with me now."

Weird.

"Oh, why didn't she pick up?" I ask confused. If my mom wasn't busy then why had she avoided my call?

I hear my moms muffled voice through the phone but I can't quite make out what she is saying but her tone didn't sound happy.

"Dad?"

"Lily, listen. You're mother has been seeing stuff online. About you. You...and a girl. Another girl."

My entire body freezes as my dad speaks and I feel my heart rate spike.

Why did this sound like a problem?

"Right..." I say wanting my dad to continue with whatever point he was trying to make.

"You said you wanted to leave Boston for a fresh start and it seems nothing has changed." My dads words hit like knives.

"I-I left for a fresh start because I tried to kill myself. I didn't come to Connecticut for conversion therapy. I came to move on from everything that happened." I croak out as my mouth has completely dried up and it feels as though my throat is closing.

My mom continues to speak but I still can't make out her words, "You speak to her then, Jackie." My dad says as I hear my mom huff and the phone being passed over.

"If you left to move on then why are you still living the same way? With this- this Paige girl! And so publicly! It's like you want the entire world to know. The entire world does know! It's all anyone asks me about. It makes me sick." My mom shouted at me to the point of breathlessness.

I felt blindsided. I was so confused. My parents had been fine with me and my ex, they were happy for me to come to Connecticut.

"I don't understand where this has come from. You had no problem with me and Mia-"

"We didn't know about you and Mia until it was over and Mia...she's turned her life around. We thought you would have too." My mom continues her rant and all my emotions begin to blend into one, there are tears streaming down my face but I've never been angrier.

"What do you mean 'turned her life around'?" I ask although I know exactly what she meant.

"She's fixed. Whatever you had with her was just a phase and rightly so! She has a handsome boyfriend now and is very happy." My mom solidifies my assumptions and I feel sick to my stomach.

"And I'm very happy with my beautiful girlfriend." I say trying to steady my voice to not make it obvious that I was crying.

My mom lets out a ridiculous child-like cry as if I'd just died.

"Lily that's enough. You're making your mom upset." My dads voice comes through the phone again and I laugh in irony.

"I was calling about Thanksgiving plans and to tell you guys I had a bad reaction and was in the hospital." I spit, anger laced in my words.

"She's not coming back here for Thanksgiving. Everyone knows!" My moms voice rings out clear and unforgiving.

"Jackie-" My dad begins to reason but I end the call before I hear anything more.

I didn't need to hear anything more.

I sit lifeless on the couch just staring ahead so many thoughts and feelings swirling around inside of me but simultaneously feeling completely numb and void of emotion.

What had just happened?

I moved robotically back to my room, my phone still clutched in my hands as if I was waiting for my dad to call me back and apologise for what had been said but I knew all too well that that wouldn't happen. I knew my parents too well. I was stupid to believe they were OK with who I was in the first place but did they really think that coming to Connecticut would somehow change who I loved?

I stood in my bedroom contemplating what to do. That phone call had changed everything. My mom had made it clear that I wasn't welcome at home. Home. Could I even call it that anymore? Just as things were beginning to plateau, just as I was starting to genuinely feel happy again, it felt like someone was playing a sick joke on me.

I felt the overwhelming urge to cope with this in the only way I knew how to cope with anything that hurt me mentally and that was to feel it physically.

Paiges words from weeks ago played on repeat in my head as I searched my room for something to hurt myself with.

"If you ever, ever get the urge to hurt yourself again, please come to me first. You're not alone anymore, I promise you."

I began to get frustrated as my frantic search was proving pointless. I had purposely not brought anything to Connecticut that I could use because I was determined to stay clean and not relapse but that felt like an impossible task right now.

I moved my search to the kitchen, I knew there'd be something there.

"If you ever, ever get the urge to hurt yourself again, please come to me first. You're not alone anymore, I promise you."

I opened random drawers as if I hadn't lived in the apartment for months and knew exactly where everything was but my head was a mess and I couldn't think straight.

I finally found the drawer I'd set out to find, filled with utensils.

"If you ever, ever get the urge to hurt yourself again, please come to me first. You're not alone anymore, I promise you."

My vision was significantly blurred by tears now, I blinked rapidly to clear the haze and reached into the drawer. My hand shook as I picked up the small but sharp knife.

"If you ever, ever get the urge to hurt yourself again, please come to me first. You're not alone anymore, I promise you."

I knew deep down this wasn't the right thing to do. This isn't what I wanted to do, but when you're so used to doing something and so used to it being a release, it becomes addictive. A habit that becomes unbreakable.

"If you ever, ever get the urge to hurt yourself again, please come to me first. You're not alone anymore, I promise you."

I wanted to drop the knife and call Paige and ask her to come here right now and just hold me and tell me everything would be OK but my hands wouldn't release there grip and my brain was telling me Paige had better things to do.

Paige

I had almost finished studying for the evening, my eyes were tired from focusing on a screen for so long and my body ached from today's workout but I continued typing. My phone was switched to Do Not Disturb but as it rang from its place on my nightstand, I knew it was Lily because she was the only contact that could override my settings.

"Hi, pretty girl." I say and smile knowing that hearing Lilys voice would quickly diffuse any negative feeling that had built up during the day.

"Paige," Lilys voice came out hoarse and strained and my smile immediately faded, "can you come to mine...please?" She asks.

"Yes. I'm on my way." I say without a second thought, leaving my laptop open, music playing and just grabbing my keys.

"Thank you." Lily replies so quietly that I can just about make it out over the sound of my own rushed footsteps.

"What's wrong?" I ask as I leave my apartment and rush down the stairs to my car. I could tell by Lilys voice alone that something was wrong and every second of silence intensified my concern.

"Lily?" I question when she doesn't reply.

"I-I just need you." She says, her voice breaking in the process.

"OK, I'm coming baby. I'm in my car. Stay on the phone." I say as I start the engine and begin the short drive to Lilys apartment.

I try to ask questions that could at least hint at what was wrong but Lilys responses were short and didn't tell me much. I could just tell that she'd been crying or was currently crying and I stepped on the gas to get to her as quickly as possible.

"I'm outside Lily, let me in." I say once I reach the door of her apartment building. I hear her footsteps shuffle along the floor before the familiar buzz of the door being unlatched.

I take the stairs two at a time, any aches from today's workout long forgotten and once I reach Lilys floor and see she's stood in her open doorway, only then do I end the call.

I was right, Lily had been crying, her eyes were red and swollen and her cheeks were stained with tears, "What happened?" I ask, concern laced in my voice as I approach her, my arms instinctively wrapping around my girlfriend, holding her close.

Lily steps back still in my arms until we're stood in her living room and the door closes behind us.

"Lily, I'm worried."

"I-I don't know how to say it." Her voice is muffled against my chest.

"You can tell me anything." I say pulling away so I can look in her eyes as I reassure her, "You know that right? You can tell my anything."

She nods, "I thought I was doing well. I was doing well." Tears immediately fell as she began to speak.

"What happened?" I'm aware I sound like a broken record but I need to know what happened to get Lily in this state.

"I spoke to my parents. I was going to tell them about my reaction and see what our plans were for Thanksgiving but before I could do any of that...they- they attacked me over the phone. They've seen pictures of us online. They thought me being gay was a phase. They thought coming here would 'fix' me. Apparently my ex is 'fixed' and has a boyfriend now and I'm not welcome at Thanksgiving. I make them sick." She rambles out inbetween choked sobs.

At some point during that, we'd made our way to the couch and I sat beside Lily, her hand clutched in mine.

"Lily...what the fuck. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this." I say wiping her tears as they slip down her face.

"I didn't know what to do Paige. I was thinking everything and nothing all at once. I couldn't process anything, I still can't. I-" She cuts herself off, unlinking her hand from mine and holding her head in her hands.

"You what Lily? What did you do?" I ask scooting to the edge of the couch, trying to get her to look at me again.

"I know you said to call you. To come to you but I couldn't think straight my head was a mess."

She doesn't have to say anymore for me to understand what she's getting at.

"Did you hurt yourself?" I ask tentatively.

Keeping her head in her hands, she just nods.

"Oh Lily." I say and wrap my arm around her shoulders pulling her close to me again. I press my lips to her head in comfort as she cries into my chest.

"I need you to show me baby."

"No. No way." Lily says and jumps away from me as if I'd just given her an electric shock.

"I need to make sure you're OK. I need to check incase you need to go to the ER." I say softly reaching out for her again.

It takes some persuading but Lily finally allows me to check her arm. I wince at the sight but don't make it obvious to her. I use the apartments First Aid box to clean and bandage the wound.

"There you go." I say once I'm done and Lily quickly rolls down her sleeve. Her eyes didn't once leave the wall directly in front of her and her movements were robotic.

"I'm sorry." Lily says as I return to her side after putting the First Aid box away.

"For what pretty girl?"

"For all of this mess. I'm a mess and you have to deal with it. I'm sorry for that." She says and I swear I hear my heart break.

"Never apologise to me, Lily. I love you and I'd do anything for you. You mean everything to me and I just want you to be OK."

"I don't think I'll ever be OK, Paige. Every time I try, I think I'm doing good then something happens and ruins it."

"Nothings ruined Lily. You're trying, you try everyday and I'm so proud of you. This is just a lapse and they happen and it's OK. We dust ourselves off and try again. Self-harm is an addiction and it's not easy to overcome but you're not alone. I'm glad you called me. I'm glad I'm here with you now. We can get through this together." I tell her now looking directly into her eyes, one hand stroking her face.

"I love you so much." She says leaning into me, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"I love you." I reply wrapping my arms around her too.

I take Lily to bed not long after and she lays her head on my chest and I stroke her hair rhythmically.

"I think that's it with my parents." She says after a prolonged silence.

"For real?" I ask, wanting Lily to talk more and not wanting to put words in her mouth.

"Yeah. If they can't accept me for who I am, I won't change myself to make them happy and I won't live a lie. Coming here and meeting you has been the best thing that's happened to me in a long time and I won't let nothing or nobody ruin that." She says.

"I really am sorry, Lily. I'm sorry your parents said all those things. You deserve so much more. I'll give you what you deserve. I'll give you the world."

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

Paige

The season was in full swing and it would be and understatement to say I was feeling it. After just two games, one win, one loss, I was exhausted. I worked ridiculously hard over the summer to make sure I was fully recovered to ensure I had an injury free season. What I had failed to realise is that my body forgot what it was like to be playing for almost forty minutes straight but I was living my dream, getting to play basketball at this level has been something I've strived for my whole life so I'll never complain.

We were playing Maryland today at Gampel and the team was due to meet at the venue in thirty minutes so I was picking up Lily an afternoon coffee and would drop it off to her before I had to go and warm up.

She had had a difficult few days, between the allergic reaction, horrible phone call with her parents and relapsing, I'm surprised the girl was even able to go into work today. She was strong and I admired her for it. I just wish she would open up to me more and let me be there for her in the way I want to be. I felt inexperienced in this relationship, I've never had someone close to me suffer with their mental health like Lily does so I've been talking to my friends and reading article after article so I know the right thing to do.

The common consensus is to just keep making it abundantly clear that I'm there for Lily whenever she needs me and I already do that and will continue to.

The line in the cafè wasn't long so it didn't take me long to order and recieve Lily's usual - an iced soy milk latte - and be on my way to her office.

I knocked lightly on the door, "Come in." Lilys voice came from the otherside soft and light, a huge difference to what it has been like in recent days.

I peep my head around ther door and see Lily is alone in the room, "Hi, pretty girl." I say and walk inside and her facial expression changing from one of deep concentration to a soft, sweet smile. "Hi, P." She says getting up from her seat and greeting me with a hug.

She had her glasses on and I got lost in her appearance for second. Lily rarely wore her glasses, she only needed them when she was working at a computer so she looked different but I wasn't complaining.

"I brought you coffee." I say presenting her the drink and her smile grows, "Thank you, it's definitely needed." She says taking a sip immediately and moaning at the taste, my cheeks flush at the sound but Lily's oblivious to her effect.

"I don't know how you're drinking an iced drink in the middle of November." I shake my head as lean against Lilys desk.

"Iced coffee is superior, whatever the climate." She says matter of factly and I can only smile at her little quirk.

"How are you feeling today?" I ask more seriously.

Lily nods, "I'm OK. Been better." She says.

"And you'll get there again." I tell her reaching out to take her hand and pull her closer to me.

"I know. Just weird I'm an orphan now." She tries to joke but her eyes tell a different story.

"Your parents might come round. You're their daughter above everything, I'm sure they love you. They won't want to lose you."

"Maybe," She sighs, "but I won't ever put myself around people that can't accept me for who I am and on top of that, abuse me for it. Until they apologise and are able to just support me, I don't want to see them."

"I understand. You have to put yourself first and I'll be right by your side." I reiterate what I've been telling Lily from the beginning, she's not alone.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you." She says leaning into me and I take this as my chance to wrap my arms around her and hold her close, taking in her signature floral scent.

"You deserve everything good in life Lily and if I can contribute to that, I'm happy." I say to my girlfriend.

"You better contribute to the win today. I wanna see nothing but threes." She smiles up at me, lightening the conversation.

"You ask and you shall receive." I say moving my hands to her waist and turning us in one swift movement so Lily's body is now pressed between mine and the desk behind her.

"You know," I say moving back slightly letting my eyes trail down her frame, "you look good at this desk and with these glasses on. Very professional."

"Yeah?" She smirks, her hand reaching out for the chain she bought me around my neck.

"Uh huh. Shame you're not wearing one of those little skirts you have." My hand grazes her thigh over her trousers.

"A terrible shame." She agrees, shaking her head.

"You know for next time." I tuck her hair behind her ear and press a quick kiss to her lips.

"I should get to warm ups." I say pulling away realising the time.

"Ugh P," She huffs, "you really know how to get me flustered and then just leave." She pouts, her cheeks visibly rosy.

"Just imagine how boring life would be without me." I smile and blow her a kiss from the doorway before leaving.

Lily

Watching Paige play basketball was quickly becoming my favourite thing to do. Even though I was technically working, I was enjoying getting to watch my girlfriend pace up and down the court, shooting the ball into the basket and making blocks that didn't seem possible until she executed them perfectly leaving not only me, but the entire crowd in awe.

I couldn't help myself from jumping to my feet and cheering each time the team increased their lead.

"How are these questions for post game?" Marcus asks me during halftime, angling his laptop towards me.

I skim over the typed out questions and nod my head encouragingly, "They're great! You always have the perfect mix of basketball and personal questions that get the girls talking." I compliment.

"Thank you, Lils. I try and make it as relaxed as possible."

"This is perfect to end on." I say pointing to one question in particular.

'With Thanksgiving break approaching, what's something you're thankful for?'

"The next newsletter going out is Thanksgiving themed so I thought it was a good fit." Marcus says just as the girl filter back onto the court for the next quater.

As I took pictures and videos of the third quater, I thought of Marcus' question and what Paiges answer would be. She was almost always picked to do media and with the game she was having I knew it would be a no brainer.

Knowing Paige, I was certain she would mention her family, the team and God. Paige showed immense gratitude everyday in everything she said and did and she was humble when most people in her position would be the exact opposite.

My suspicions were verified post game when it came to Paiges answer however I was also left in a state of shock when she said something I could have never guessed.

"With Thanksgiving break approaching, what's something you're thankful for?" Marcus asked as I stood next to him, my phone in my hand, recording just the audio as that's all that was required.

"The same as every year, I'm immensely thankful for my family and friends - everyone around me that pushes me to be the best version of myself. I'm thankful for my team, that I get to play with some of the best people everyday and we get to live out our dreams together. I'm especially thankful for my health this year, I'll never take that for granted again and none of that would be possible without my belief in God and his belief in me." Paige pauses and glances in my direction and I'm smiling not only at her perfectly articulated answer but because of how well I know her. "And to wrap it up, I'm thankful for the person I have by my side - my girlfriend. Her selflessness and strength inspires me everyday." Paige finishes, her eyes still locked on mine.

What did she just say?

"Thank you, Paige and again, congratulations on the win." Marcus concludes the interview and I press stop on the audio recording.

"Paige." I breathe out, lost for words.

Marcus slips away quietly, leaving us alone, "What? I couldn't list off what I'm thankful for without mentioning you." She says smoothing over her ponytail.

I'm smiling so big my face begins to ache, "You realise that's going in the newsletter? You realise what that means?" I ask insinuating the obvious but not verbalising it.

Paige had never spoken on her sexuality or relationship status publicly, ever. We post on socials openly now and don't hide our affection in public but a label has never been mentioned, we could just be close friends if you didn't know us personally.

"Yes." Paige says simply.

I was of the mindset that no one needed to 'come out'. Straight people didn't so why did anyone else but I know in Paiges world, things were a little different but maybe I was wrong for thinking Paige preferred keeping things inconspicuous and lowkey.

I also only had my previous relationship as a comparison and that was kept a secret until the very end and I was always made to feel like the world would crash and burn if anyone found out. I wasn't used to being loved so openly.

"I love you so much." I say to Paige but I wish there was a word bigger than love.

"I love you too. And I've been thinking about Thanksgiving." She says and my mood drops slightly at the mention of the holiday. I'd be spending it here on campus, probably alone.

"What about it?"

"I want you to come home to Minnesota with me." She says shocking me for the second time in mere minutes.

"Paige...Thank you, but I couldn't- I couldn't just come and impose on your family like that." I say genuinely. There's nothing more that I'd love than to spend Thanksgiving with the person I'm most thankful for but I'd feel like an intruder.

"Lily, are you joking? My family loves you. I've already spoken to them about it, you're more than welcome and actually, Drew can't wait to see you. You're not going to crush his little heart, are you?" She says dramatically.

"Paige do not use your little brother like that." I frown.

"I'm not! He for real can't wait to see you." Paige insists.

"I'll think about it." I pacify as some of the team start to exit the changing rooms, freshly showered.

"Think quick and let the answer be 'Yes Paige, I'll come to Minnesota with you'. I'm going to clean up, meet you out front in fifteen?" She says and I nod in response.

I use the time Paige takes to shower to pop back to my office and upload the last of the behind the scenes storys from todays game and send the audio recordings to myself so I can transcribe them tomorrow.

"So...Marcus told me what Paige said in media." Kayla says slipping into my office.

"Did he now?"

"Yep! You have her so smitten it's adorable." She says smiling.

"It is pretty adorable." I say relishing in the feeling.

Kayla and I chat for a few minutes before I pack up my stuff and go to meet Paige.

"So?" Paige says with her brows raised as I approach her and I smile at her eagerness.

"Yes Paige, I'll come to Minnesota with you." I repeat the words she wanted to hear and watch as her lips curve upwards and open to reveal a huge grin and she picks me up and spins us around.

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · .

[ivonhart]

the moon | steven grant x fem werewolf!reader

+ marc spector & jake lockley

— chapter four

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cross posted on ao3

gif credit: @paper-n-ashes

summary: You've always hated the moon. Hated the way it made your body bend and break into a new form every month. Hated the way it tied you to one of the many gods of it. But you couldn't hate what the moon connected you to...who it connected you to.

!! chapter warnings !!: Previous su*cide attempt mentioned / Marc being a lil toxic :3

By the time you caught up to the area Steven was taken to, the sky grew dark and the moon rose high into the air. Despite the head start that the cultist had, you still managed to figure out where he was. The unseen tether that seemingly connected the two of you telling you where to go the moment you stepped out of his apartment.

That connection brought you and Layla to a secluded neighborhood. On the surface it simply looked like an active community; people communing within the main plaza with bright smiles as children ran around their legs with giggles of joy.

On the surface it looked like a pleasant environment…but with a closer look you took note of how their eyes lingered on any outsiders for too long, how they turned their back and whispered once they believed you were out of range…how they all shared the same scale tattoo. You finally made it to what you would say was the “main area.”

The building it was in reminded you of an old castle of some sorts. The exposed brick and chipped walls showing the wear and tear it experienced through the centuries. You and Layla managed to make your way into the building and when you got into the structure you saw Steven being surrounded by Harrow’s people. Circling him like a pack of wolves would do to a wounded deer. “Where is the Scarab?”

Adamant to get the attention away from Steven, you nodded to Layla before she raised her hand in the air and spoke. “I have it.” All eyes snapped towards Layla and the Scarab that she slowly brought back into her chest as the two of you slowly moved through the crowd. However, one pair of eyes was stuck on you. You could hear the slight skip in Steven’s heart and the hitch in his breath as his gaze bore into your soul.

Only mere hours before, the man watched as your body fell to the ground and became soaked with the blood that poured from the gunshot wound. A wound that no one would be able to walk away from. Yet here you stood…a tad worse for wear…but alive. You had to tear your eyes away from him in fear that you would break away from Layla and run to him. Wanting…needing to feel his warmth wrapped around your body to calm not only him down, but you as well.

“You couldn’t possibly understand the value of what you’re holding.” The closer the two of you got to the man, the more his people were able to surround you, making the hair on the back of your neck rise. “Let me have that, I’ll keep it safe.”

“About time you found us.” The god sneered over your shoulder as Layla turned to Steven. “Why would you bring the Scarab here…you idiot dog!” Both you and Steven flinched at his outburst and you tired focusing on Layla who pleaded for Steven to summon the suit. But, like you, he could hear the curses from the god.

“Summon the soup?” Steven’s question dripped in confusion. Why would he summon soup? What would soup do? What kind of soup? With a hushed curse you finally blocked out Khonshu and grabbed hold of Steven’s hand. “We have to run.” With Layla ahead making quick work of anyone who got in her way, you managed to pull Steven inside a storage room with Layla not far behind.

The moment all three of you were inside, you and Layla bolted the door. When you knew the door was secure you finally allowed yourself to hunch over with a groan. One of your hands grasping the area where you had been shot. Pain, phantom or not, shooting through your body from the movements. “Oh, my God. I’m going to die in an evil magician’s man cave.” The sound of Steven’s panicked voice brought you back to the situation at hand. “And you…” The man’s wide eyes eyed you up and down in terror. “Y-You got shot. You died!”

You could hear the sound of his heart smashing against his ribs as he grew more and more panicked. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! It rattled your already unfocused mind, making your ears almost ring. “Look…Steven. I’m…I’m different. I work for Khonshu because of how different I am.” Your words came out in between heavy breaths as you struggled to find the right words. “I can’t explain it right now, but the bullet didn’t affect me like it would a normal person because of certain things.”

The sudden pounding from the other side of the storage door caused Layla to march her way to Steven. With a harsh yank, the woman pulled his attention to her. “Listen to me. Your name is Marc. There’s a suit.” You tried to intervene, but she shook the man with panic, cutting off any chance where you could butt in.

SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! You could now smell the sweat that was forming in his palms and the unsteady breathing that ripped past his throat. “Where the hell are you, Marc?! We need you to fight.” You watched as Steven’s eyes latched on the mirror behind you. Marc. You believed he was talking to him by the rate in which both his breathing and heart rate went up. Knocking your brain around from the flood of sounds and smells.

Just like you, Steven was getting overwhelmed which caused him to fall to his knees with a shout. “LEAVE ME ALONE, BOTH OF YOU!” His screams managed to break through the fog that was clouding your brain and you were quick to kneel down in front of him. Your hands moved to grasp his that were clutched over his ears. “Steven.”

His eyes were wide and distant as his breathing grew more and more frantic. He was going to go into a panic attack if you didn’t act quickly. The pounding on the door and the yells from Layla made your body grow hot as you tried to figure out what to do. The wolf scratching in the depths of your head out of anxiety. She wanted to get out. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!

Without much thought, you smashed your lips onto his. The man’s hands dropped to his sides and yours slid down to cup his cheeks after you did. The pounding on the door grew quiet and the rattling in your head stood still as your lips molded together. What felt like minutes was, in reality, only a few seconds and when you pulled away the man softly spoke your name.

Slowly, your eyes opened and you looked at his now softened ones. “There you are…” Your words barely passed your lips with how quiet you spoke. The gentle stroke of your thumbs on Steven’s cheek slowed the man’s heart down as you continued to speak; your long nails occasionally hitting his puffy lips with each caress. “I know you are scared…confused…” The pounding on the door grew more intense, causing all three of you to tense up. Steven tried to look over but you kept a firm hold on his face. Your eyes pleading whilst looking into his. “You need to give Marc the body. Please.”

Unfortunately, before the man could utter a response the door finally gave away, allowing the Jackals to finally get in. One for Steven and one for you. What happened next was a blur; one second you were holding Steven and the next you were knocked to the ground by one Jackal whilst Steven fell from the back window thanks to the second one. With a harsh growl you looked up at the Jackal as your eyes fazed white.

-

After you managed to take care of the Jackal in the building, you found out from Layla that Steven had run off. You knew better though; you could smell Marc in the air. Him and Steven both shared the same cologne smell, but each had their own unique scent that you could distinguish.

You did a quick once over on Layla to make sure she was alright before taking down Marc. It took you a few minutes before you finally tracked the man down to find him in a vacant courtyard. “Marc…” His name came out breathless as you jogged over to him. He was facing away from you and when you got closer you took note of the damaged mirror that was there. 

“Where is the Scarab!?” The man’s hands latched onto your arms in an instant, causing you to yelp. “WHERE IS THE SCARAB!?” Marc’s eyes were wide with frustration as he shook you. “I DON’T KNOW!” You shouted back before shoving him away; a small growl unintentionally passing your lips at the harsh contact.

The man shouted in anger as he started pacing back and forth. His hands running through his hair. “Fuck, I cannot believe you!” Your eyebrows shot up as he continued. “I can’t fucking BELIEVE you let Layla get into this.”

“Excuse me?!” You snapped back with a scoff. He was angry. He didn’t mean it. What was he saying? You stomped towards him. “I didn’t do anything–”

“EXACTLY!” Marc spun to you with heavy uneven breaths. “You didn’t fucking do anything. You didn’t do the only thing you’re here for. You didn’t protect Steven.” His words felt like a punch to your gut and before you could fight back a bitter laugh fell past his lips as he hung his hand on his hip.

“And now Layla is mixed into all of this and we know she’s not going to let it go and Harrow most definitely has the Scarab.” A nasty growl ripped through the air as you barked back at him. “You’re the one that didn’t let Steven in on all of this. You’re the one that left your damn burner phone at Steven’s place for him to find. I have been doing all I can to make sure Steven is protected.” You took a step forward and shoved your finger into his chest. “You’re the one that’s too fucking stubborn and look where it got you. Got us.”

Marc’s jaw tensed up before he moved his face closer to yours. “There is no us. There will never be an us." Suddenly, the man grabbed your hand that pointed at him and exposed the scars that ran up your arm. Messy, uneven lines that bore a striking resemblance to that of a wolf’s claw.

“There is no us because you should’ve killed yourself that day.” All the air was pulled from your lungs as the words left his mouth. His grip grew tight. “Everything would’ve been so much easier if Khonshu didn’t make you serve him.” He yanked you closer with a sneer, causing a whimper to escape you. Tears formed on your lashes as you turned away from him. Like Marc’s sensitivity to his mother, you had a sensitivity to the reason behind your scars. And he knew that. “But he did and now I’m stuck with you.”

Marc could feel Steven trying to gain control…feel the way Steven was desperate to console you. Marc didn’t mean it. You were everything to him…and that was why he had to make distance from you. The kiss you shared with Steven shook him to his core. Finally being able to feel your lips on his, even if it was through Steven it made him realize just how much he cares for you. How much he loves you. So he had to do this. He had to make distance. 

“Marc…please don’t push me away.” Marc’s breath hitched in his throat at your soft words. Your broken words. Even after all he just said you still held on. Despite the sobs that came from you and your inability to meet his eyes, you still pleaded to him. Still knew him…inside and out. The man ignored the shouts from Steven as he pulled away and without another word he was gone. Leaving you to fall to your knees with sobs over the words that he said.

-

tag list: @n1ght5h4d3-24 / @sunipostsstuff / @blackholegladiator / @ajeff855 / @daughterofthequeen / @faefanatic / @dropdeadbec / @sgt-morgan / @milk-bulb / @dev-angeline / @griffinkid2187 / @mxltifxnd0m / @badbishsblog / @local-mr-frog / @khaleesihavilliard / @rmoonstoner / @thewinterv / @oscarissac2099

[imsiriuslyreading]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤

oh this is fun! 🥹

alright welp…

1. You Called Me Angel For The First Time, My Heart Leapt From Me

my hozier fest jegulus! reg is an angel. literally. sort of.

2. i’ve got soul (but im not a soldier)

drarry, jegulus, wolfstar fix it fic in 3 parts

3. If you could see yourself like this

su*cide awareness featuring sirius and james. lil bit of wolfstar

4. Thousands of good deeds (WIP)

crime au. wolfstar, rosekiller, jily & dorlene.

5. You’re on your own kid (WIP)

wolfstar raising harry :)

i forget i write things cause im so busy obsessing over everyone else’s 😅

[amaru-love-writings]

My moondrop

T.W.: This is a sad fic. It contains mentions of pills, su*cide and a successful attempt. Please, take care of your mental health!

This was based on a dialogue prompt and my own feelings on a tough day. Xavier helps me cope a lil bit :(

The last day in Linkon City was strangely a rainy day. Such an odd scene; so common in the past, now a luxury reserved for a few days in the year. But it did not feel gloomy as people would describe it in the books, on the contrary; I sat on my usul spot, deep in contemplation, face turned to the window, a soft smile on my features.

This would be my last day; and no longer would I carry this lonely cursed heart of mine; I could only think of one person; someone who has saved my life countless times, someone who has been with me since the first day.

He has among many times been my first. And my only; the one I called when I could no longer hold back tears; the one I reached when I wounded myself again in this endless battle ground. The one, the only one in my heart.

He had brought many days of joy and sweetness to my gray life.

But once you step into the other side, you can never come back. Not fully.

I had touched the veil of lies around me after Zayne gave me the files on the experiments; and I had grazed darkness alongside Sylus. And it shattered me in ways I could not fully contain.

It is today. The day my pieces are everywhere, just like my mind.

And yet, I go back to the baby blues. His eyes were so grounding when all I wanted was to let go and fall.

That blue of his was not the same bottomless dark of the ocean; and that is what I love about them; they have a certain allure of a boundless clear sky, open and ready to embrace me.

Sniffing, I hug myself. O, how I’ll miss those eyes…

I look at the bottle by my side; a threatening companion. I open the lid carelessly and let five, seven and more pills fall into my hand. A couple dropping to the floor. They would be left forgotten.

I wonder if any of my deaths were like this.

Before my eyes are taken by the haze of my own actions, I text him

My moondrop! I hope he remembers me. And knows how much I love him.

Thank you for loving me from the bottom of your heart, and for being there for me when I needed you the most…

But at last my fingers lose strength and the last lines are left on the screen; never sent to their destination.

•••

Xavier feels a pang in his heart; something… something was very wrong with his starlight.

Again, his fists hit his head; he had failed her again. Been too late again.

His grief was open for the investigators to see; his eyes unfocused and irritated; with a lost look as he envelopped the lying girl. He had to be pried from the woman he loved. Her warmth still lingering as a pulsating magnetism that threatened his last shed of sanity.

He wondered if he would ever get his wish… the stars had lied to him one more time, laughing at his loss.

“Starlight. I’ll find you again…” he vows.

A.N.: This is a fanfic for Love and Deepspace. All the rights are reserved to Infold. This is only meant for entertainment and appreciation for the world of Lnds. Please, do not repost, copy or translate. Feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated! Enjoy.

[haleighsplacestudios]

Hey u guys, so over the weekend me & my bestie Dani had a sleepover & sum craft time. Shes been DYIN 2 try 2 figure out crochet & ive been workin on it a lil bit 2. I still suck ass & she cant figure it out eather so we d-cided we were gonna make it ✨WERK✨. Uhm, needless 2 say that did not happen. She got mad @ it & gave up, & so far my lil purse project is pissin me off 2. Specially, the type of 🧶 im usin. Its so grippy, & textured, that the knots & hook dont wanna slide like i need em 2 & i h8 it. Ive made shit this way b4 & it was not this difficult so ik it's the 🧶. Its the only thing thats changed. But, its wut ive got so i gotta use it.🤷🏻‍♀️😑 I think wen its done tho its gonna look gr8 but rn...not that fun. & Yea, it is wonky as all hell but this is the bottom & 1nce i get more done 2 hold on 2 it should start lookin more consistent. Anyway happy WIP Wednesday all, & i shall c u 2morrow 😊👋🏻

[ticklethehomies2]

Lol cause I'm still upset. I'm just gonna rant about it here!

I genuinely despise being a queer man in this community. The way that cishet men treat me is just like awful sometimes and i'd rather they call me a slur. I'm just tired of the covert ways homophobia slips into things. Why are you so afraid I'll treat you the same way you treat women??? I never said I liked you. Or was interested in you. It couldn't be further from the truth actually.

I could feel the disdain from the screen. One dimensional characters until they see someone they deem fuckable and all of a sudden they have a personality. And this isn't just Tumblr. Can't believe this shit happens irl too (I'm being facetious). I would love to be there for my male friends but the way they shut me out because I'm not who they're romantically and/or sexually attracted to is so fucked to me. And I get it- if that's not what they're comfortable with then whatever. BUT am I allowed to be pissed off cause I know the reason is just rooted in homophobia??

Maybe this is the aroace experience of recognizing how FUCKED UP the world is for placing romantic and sexual relationships above all things. Especially with men who will treat their partners as caregivers and therapists (in an unhealthy way). But then men have high rates of su!cide... And mental health problems and substance abuse issues...

It hurts to be whittled down to a sex obsessed deviant or predator because I'm queer. I'm literally just some guy. I'm not entitled to your attention, that's fine, but don't confuse me trying to reach out or spark a conversation as me hitting on you or trying to manipulate you into doing things you're uncomfortable with.

I'm just here to try to connect with people on this silly lil blog. Not here to intentionally cause harm or make people uncomfortable. I just ask that people be a little kinder and think before they act.

[tsintotwo]

Okay, so here’s the fic masterpost I’ve been meaning to make for ages. Most things I write, I don’t ever name. So I’ll make do with descriptions. The list is in chronological order of me posting these on tumblr.  

1. [The Sandman]- Dream x You HELLA NSFW (minors away!) fic. I mean it- the NSFW is the plot. One day I randomly thought ‘You know what I wanna write? A little teasing-type post about kissing Morpheus.’ Then I actually started writing it, and one thing led to another, and long story short here are the links to the three-parts, completed. You’ll see for yourself. Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. 

2.  [The Sandman]- AU!Dream x You, lil dark fantasy. Finished. 

3.  [The Sandman]- Dream x You, being with Morpheus, prompted by Midnights (Taylor Swift) tracklist. Had the idea for it when Midnights came out. It was supposed to be 13 little snippets: some fluff, some angst, and just Morpheus-love overall. Well, I got to track 5 before getting distracted by some completely different idea and abandoning this. :( In that sense, it is unfinished. But on the other hand, since each track name is its own little story, it now exists as a set of five completed snippets. Tracks 1- 4. Track 5.

4. [Sweetbitter]- 59 Hours, Jake x You. (Yep, I actually wrote Sweetbitter/Jake fanfic and yep, this one actually has a name). I have this up on ao3 and this is the summary I wrote for it there:  “When a sudden blizzard in NYC ruins havoc on everything including your plans, a stranger offers you shelter in their apartment. You don't know yet, but you two are going to be stuck there together for 59 hours- knowing and learning each other, doing things you couldn't imagine with anyone else, being something for each other in a way that feels too fast, too confusing, too reckless. How do you say goodbye to this, and yet, how do you hold onto something so fragile?” Sort of a Good Girl x Bad Boy thing. Angst, smut, feels. Six chapters. Complete. TW: Drugs, mention of s**cide. 

Two things. One: I’ve had multiple people tell me that they never actually watched Sweetbitter, but loved this. So, if you haven’t watched the show, don’t let that be the thing that stops you if you’re otherwise interested. With all its B flaws and despite me not actually being a fan of the show, this is one of my most favorite things I’ve ever written. And two: HELLA NSFW WARNING!!!!!

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5. Part 6.

5. [The Sandman]- Dream x Reader. (If you, as a regular human woman, ever were to meet Morpheus in the real world, it could go something like this...)

Finished.

6. [The Sandman]- Dream x Reader. (You are a Dream Vortex, he is the Lord of Dreams- you know. Your typical meet-cute. NOT.) 

Now, you’d think as a writer I’d have a better hold of things like potential story length, overall finish timeline, etc., but nope. Not at all, I am ashamed to say. This story became a behemoth, and really it’s way too much for tumblr. But I also can’t not write when there’s good material in my head just begging to be let out. So what I have now is some very long chapters and a promise of the last one. I will say there’s stuff in this dark story that I really, really love, so maybe it won’t disappoint you either if you’re actually willing to invest time reading it. TW: Graphic violence, sexual assault, r*pe, child abuse. 

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5.  

That is it, actually. I either write nothing or way too much- much like most everything else I do, but unlike most everything else I do, I can tell you that writing actually makes me feel like I know what I’m doing. When I write- be it original work or fanfic- I know my place in the world. That’s something, isn’t it?

***Later addition:

7. POV: Morpheus is obessed with you.

(What even is this? Well, at least it's finished. And NSFW, so there's that as well.)

[chemicalslvt]

Tw: Mentions of su!cide

(idk what this is i jist had this thought randomly)

Remus: “Well that wasn’t working!”

Lily: “is your life not working when you let it slip out from under you?”

Remus: “Ok, when are you going to stop suggesting that im suicidal?!”

Lily: “When you start acting like someone who wants to be alive!”

Remus: “…”

Lily: “You know people run away from the line between life and death and you seem to just… stand on it and wait for a strong wind to sway you one way or the other.”

Remus: “Lils..”

Lily: “You’re careless with your life. You aren’t slitting your wrist but you’re careless.”

James: “Lily thats to much”

Lily: “No! it’s probably because everyone told you that you’re a waste of space on this planet, and the problem is you believed them!”

Remus: “…”

Lily: “and if you dont watch out you’re going to die because of it.”

[ran-orimoto]

In December someone asked me for more Fatinamon, my Fairymon rookie Fakemon, and I can’t find the ask any more. I want to 🌊cide. I plan to draw more for Fatinamon this year and I’m currently working on a stupid piece that will feature her too in a certain sense, but for now, whoever you are, I hope you can accept messy recycled sketches for some months ago I have never shared here.

It’s a bit of Fairyblitz ofc⚡️🍃, but Fairyblitz in their rookie forms because I love drawing my lil wind and thunder bugs. And it’s also a bit of my Junzumi fankids lmaoooo, because each of them has got their special relationship with their Digiparents (🤣?), ehm, or better, their parents’ Digimon. Fairymon loves perching on Kou’s head to give him pep talks about how to treat girls properly (because he is a disaster at that and she is the feminist icon of the household for sure along with Izumi), and Kou isn’t pleased ofc. Instead, when it comes to Ran, since she loves butterflies and likes being considered as a butterflies expert (she wishes)….It’s…Love at first sight with Fairymon’s rookie form. Now it’s Fairymon’s turn not to be pleased but there are times Ran and her can bond over music, because in my hc Fairymon eventually becomes (*returns) blind after a while and hearing, melodies, the whistles of the winds become the colours painting her dark life.

Bonus: Kou asking Blitzmon to help him with his maths homework because Kou might not have a Doraemon, but now has got a man of science at home. LOL. Hate myself 🤣.

[lilmissqueerparcel]

just made a su!cide joke and scared the shit out of a friend but i know my pookie wookie back home would’ve laughed out loud and added her own lil jokey joke to it

[miserygallll]

tw: su!cide themes

did a lil drawing of a lil dude

suicide bambi