#like. u can be grateful and want better things at the same time lol

[hannieehaee]

LO$ER=LO♡ER

18+ / mdi

summary: jihoon's been pushed aside and ostracized from the moment he was born. completely alone, with no family and only a handful of friends, he's been too beaten down to expect anything good with the shitty cards life has dealt him. when he's presented with his new coworker, it's hard to not fantasize about her, but he'll never actually allow himself to believe she could ever look like him with anything but pity — just like everyone else.

content: loser!jihoon, antisocial!jihoon, sociallyawkward!jihoon, insecure!jihoon, sunshine!reader, jihoon is basically just a complete loser with horrible luck who's never felt true happiness (sorry), mentions of bullying, mentions of jihoon's sad past, sunshine!reader, slowburn, lots of worldbuilding but its just so u can feel sorry for jihoon lol, coworkers au, pining, miscommunication, afab reader, smut, sub!jihoon, virgin!jihoon, handjob, body worship, nipple play, dry humping, penetrative sex, etc.

wc: 14k

a/n: this was my fave concept to write so far honestly hehe

masterlist

Every week was the same.

Jihoon would get up, fix his overgrown hair the best he could, and take the train over to work.

This was as far as he'd gotten in life; an overly repetitive existence with no sense of joy within it.

He should've been happy. Things were better now. Being 27 with a stable job and no real issues in his life should be something to be grateful for, yet Jihoon found himself being completely displeased with his life.

Surely there must be more to life than this, right? A lonely and loveless life that appeared to be leading him nowhere. But still, things were better than before.

It was hard for Jihoon to speak of his childhood, much less his teenage years (or even his college life). It was all too grim. He'd grown to accept it, to let it all go, but the past had made him who he was, and he knew his current self was to blame for his loneliness. For his lack of love.

And so he continued his daily routine, living day after day with no change in sight. He accepted this with a flat smile, grateful that things were just fine. Not good, not great, not even varied, but just fine.

This week, though, finally had something different. But to Jihoon that was usually bad news.

Were you bad news?

You were the brand new thing in his life.

It was your first week in his office. A brand new face. A very pretty face.

Jihoon never thought about such things. He'd never had any romantic experience in his life. He had a long distance girlfriend once, but even that didn't work out. Too much distance, too many lies, too many complications. Jihoon just wasn't made for love.

So he never thought of such things again.

It was rare for him to even see a pretty girl on his day to day. His morning commute was far too early and filled with people way too old for him to even look in the eye without feeling disrespectful. His workplace, although consisted of a variety of people, was not a place where he felt very welcome initiating friendships or anything of the sort. Cliques had ended in high school, he thought, yet he found himself at the bottom of the food chain among his coworkers. He wasn't liked and was deliberately avoided by everyone around him.

Until you came along.

Finding you beautiful was no surprise to Jihoon. It was the most obvious thing in the world. Putting appearances aside, you were sunshine personified. Smart, confident, hardworking, gentle, nice, beautiful. You were everything anyone could ever want. At times Jihoon even wondered whether he wanted you or if he just wanted to be like you.

You'd caused an immense impression in him within the short time in which he'd known you.

He hadn't really gotten to know you on a personal level yet. But you had extended him an olive branch upon the first meeting, which was a memory that had implanted itself on his mind. It was rare for Jihoon to come by good memories.

This was the first time he'd felt accepted in a very long time. Yet the fears of it turning around and slapping him in the face (like in so many prior instances) was too big for him to really consider you good news in his life.

It was kind of embarrassing looking back at it. Jihoon hadn't been expecting you (how could he have?), but you suddenly showed up at his cubicle accompanied by one of his coworkers, Doyle.

Doyle wasn't someone Jihoon thought too much about — or at least he tried not to. He was the classic high school bully, except in a corporate-world wrapping. Jihoon had dealt with bullies his whole life, he'd become desensitized to it by now. Still, it bothered him to see him standing next to you. He hadn't met you yet, but he was immediately disheartened by the new girl at the office looking buddy-buddy with someone he considered an adversary.

What had been surprising to Jihoon, though, was your complete disinterest in Doyle's obvious advances.

It was pretty often that Doyle would attempt to assert his dominance by putting Jihoon down in front of other coworkers. He'd tease him and patronize him in front of anyone to see in order to show others who was in charge. And it was not Jihoon, that was for damn sure.

Jihoon got up as soon as he sensed a presence at his cubicle, somehow managing to stumble over his feet as he did so. When he looked up, he was not expecting you, yet there you were. Beautiful, smiling down at him with genuine interest in your eyes. You didn't know him, but you had kindness in your eyes. He could tell.

He stumbled over an introduction as Doyle interrupted him, telling you Jihoon's name and position at the company for him. Unwarranted and once again showing that if he so wished, he could speak over Jihoon.

But you'd interrupted him in return, turning to Jihoon to extend your hand with that smile never leaving your lips.

"Hi, it's really nice to meet you," you'd smiled as he felt fire at the mere handshake.

"Hi, I, uhm, I'm Jihoon. Lee Jihoon. I didn't realize we had someone new coming. It's nice to meet you. You- If you need anything, you can always ask me," he slapped himself mentally when he said it. He stuttered his way through it like a fucking loser. His immediate attraction to you was too obvious. Doyle's smirk as he stood beside you told him all he needed to know.

"Oh, that's so nice, thank you! I'm right next door. Well- right next cubicle, so I'll probably take you up on that sooner or later," you laughed at your own attempt of a joke.

Jihoon couldn't help chuckling back, ignoring Doyle as he patted your shoulder, laughing along. Jihoon noticed a short-lived discomfort in your eyes at the action, one which died when your eyes went back to him.

Was he imagining it, or were you showing preference towards Jihoon?

"Well, let's not bother our little Jihoonie here any longer," Doyle interrupted once more, "It's almost lunch time," he leaned in to tell you, looking down at Jihoon, "We all usually go to a burger joint nearby — Jihoonie here likes to stay in, so we try to stay out of his way."

That wasn't entirely true.

Once upon a time, Jihoon did attempt to join the rest of his coworkers in outings, but he was always alienated. After a few too many slights about his hair, his height, his weird choice in clothing, or even just his personality, he decided to stray away from anything that wasn't strictly professional when it came to his coworkers. He was always the butt of the joke, so he made the decision to isolate in the office with a cold sandwich he packed for himself every day.

Sometimes his friends Soonyoung and Mingyu from accounting would join him, but there was usually not enough time to see them during regular working hours. This left him alone most of the time.

Your face seemed to deflate at Doyle's words. Whether it was out of pity for Jihoon or annoyance at Doyle's overzealous confidence around you, he wasn't sure.

"Oh, I actually brought a packed lunch," you told Doyle before turning to face Jihoon again, "Would it be okay if I stay in with you?", you looked at him with expectant eyes.

"You wanna, uhm, have lunch with me?", he asked dumbly and you nodded, "Y-yeah, that'd be nice, yes," he attempted a shy smile, succeeding when you returned it.

Doyle cleared his throat, interrupting the silent smiles you and Jihoon were sharing.

"Well, I could stay in with you if you want, I-"

But you interrupted him again.

"That's fine. I don't wanna get in the way of your plans. Jihoon will make fine company," you said politely, stepping away from Doyle to head over to your desk, popping back next to Jihoon with a brown paper bag.

Doyle looked dumbfounded for a few moments before masking it with a tight smile. Jihoon simply stood there as you pulled up a chair and settled it on Jihoon's desk, paying no mind to Doyle.

"I guess I'll leave you two to it. I'll keep showing you around after lunch. You have my number if you need anything," Doyle made emphasis on that last statement, offering you what looked like a genuine smile before giving Jihoon a look that told him he still felt victorious in the end.

"Thanks, Doyle! Bye!," you smiled back before turning to Jihoon.

Lunch was incredibly awkward for Jihoon. But that wasn't your fault. You'd been incredibly nice, asking him questions and keeping the conversation going despite the mumbly, shy mess Jihoon was. The conversation was entirely carried by you, with you surprisingly taking an interest in him. Every word, every gesture, they all led him to believe you were genuinely nice.

At the same time, he felt entirely delusional.

It wasn't often that people were nice to him, so it was likely he was building it up to be more than it actually was. You likely did not want to stay in with him, but after Doyle brought up that Jihoon was the only one in the office during lunch break, you had no option but to join him since you also planned to stay in. However, you were a good team player, Jihoon believed. Not many people would sacrifice their lunch to stay in with the black sheep of the office just to rid yourself of any possible awkwardness. Jihoon knew damn well many previous coworkers had gone out of their way to avoid him before.

But despite the belief that you simply pitied him, Jihoon missed your time spent together the moment it ended. He felt shy and blushed bright red at every single word uttered from you, but it had been the nicest interaction he'd had in a long time (a long, long time).

That had happened last Wednesday, repeating itself on Thursday, Friday, and then a whole weekend was spent with Jihoon solely thinking about you. Time that he usually spent reading or playing chess online was instead used up to think about you. It was mostly to overthink every tiny interaction and panic over it, but it was was still preoccupied by you.

But he also thought about other things.

How beautiful he found you to be. How nice, funny, hardworking, smart and riveting you were (despite this being an assessment he'd made in less than a week of knowing you). This was Jihoon's first crush in ... he couldn't even remember how long.

And it was terrible.

Every crush he'd ever had had turned out terribly. Harmless elementary school crushes turned into pranks pulled by his classmates in order to embarrass him. Prepubescent middle school crushes became false confessions that led to public embarrassment. Hopeless high school crushes were nothing but a farse that led him into giving up altogether.

Throughout his practically non-existent love life, Jihoon had always been met by nothing but discouragement, sometimes by simple rejection and other times by harassment from people who believed him to be unworthy of being liked. These were memories he did not like to relive, but the resurgence of feelings for someone brought them all back.

And so he was unsure of how to feel. He was unsure of whether to let himself like you or recoil, unwilling to even try.

"Hey, Jihoon, do you think you could help me with this?", you asked him on Monday.

After spending all weekend thinking about you, Monday finally came. He was unsure as to whether or not your friendly behavior would continue onto your second week, when you were more settled in. In the usual cold and reserved fashion he'd adopted for the past decade, he avoided you most of the morning. When he saw you in the elevator upon arriving at the office, he stalled, waiting for the door to close so he wouldn't have to share the ride with you. He hadn't wanted to avoid you so blatantly, but apparently his past trauma had taken control of his body at the time.

If you noticed, he hadn't realized. He hoped you hadn't.

And now, a few hours into the day, you were asking for his help, and even his anxieties couldn't prevent him from helping you. He wanted to be good to you. At the moment, it was what he wanted most. He was unsure as to why.

He got up, hands fidgeting together as he took the few steps over to your desk, awkwardly standing next to your seat as you turned towards the computer on screen. Taking a few steps closer, he cleared his throat, standing right behind you and leaning down in order to check out whatever was on screen before you began to explain.

"So sorry to bother you, Jihoon! I, uh, I was just wondering what I should do when I get this pop-up? I tried looking over the manual, but I couldn't find anything," you pointed over at the screen, eyes still on it, "It's just-"

Jihoon invertedly leaned closer, eyes also on the screen. As soon as he looked at what was on display, he locked in, fully focused on the issue at hand.

Surprisingly even to himself, Jihoon enjoyed his job. He was amazing at it, and getting to help you out was just a bonus.

"Oh, yeah. It's a glitch. It happens sometimes. Here, let me just ..."

Without thinking, he interrupted you, hands taking over your mouse and keyboard as he leaned impossibly closer without realizing it. His head was right next to yours, but since he was too focused on the task at hand, he did not have the realization to be flustered at the proximity. And then he fucked up even further.

Continuing to help you, he began rambling out explanations about what he was currently doing on screen. He rambled on and on, showing you step by step how to handle the issue and adding on extra details the average person would not concern themselves with. He was so into it, he didn't realize he went on for a good five minutes, all while you sat next to him, staring quietly at the screen as you watched his every move.

That was until he was abruptly interrupted.

"Jesus Christ, Jihoon, you're going to make the girl never want to ask for help again," Doyle's voice suddenly rang through, a mocking yet patronizing tone wrapped around every word.

Jihoon's movements halted when he heard a few giggles from other coworkers resounding at Doyle's statement. Slowly, he backed his hands away from the mouse, barely registering how close he was to you when his face turned to your own, finding you looking at him with a worried look on your face — he couldn't decipher what it meant, but he was too embarrassed to even think of it.

He jumped back at the proximity, mumbling out an apology with a bow of his head.

"S-sorry, I-"

"Yeah, yeah. It's fine, Jihoon, we all know you get a little over excited sometimes," Doyle leaned over the other side of the desk, "Don't mind him, Y/N. You'll learn to tune out his rambling at some point, we've all had to — that, or you'll go crazy."

Doyle turned around after that, throwing a wink over at you that, for some reason, made Jihoon wince.

Yeah, okay. He was a fucking loser, he was well aware. The reminder felt like overkill at this point in his life.

Like a dog with his tails between his legs, Jihoon looked down, giving you one last pathetic 'sorry' before turning away. Not even chancing a single glance your way after Doyle's interruption, he preferred to save himself further embarrassment and left the room altogether. He had done most of his work and lunch was close. Taking an early lunch seemed like the best idea.

Hastily, he grabbed the lunch bag under his desk and walked towards the exit, ears barely registering a faint 'Jihoon' coming from the direction he had just left.

~

Today, he'd chosen to leave the office for lunch.

Well, not really. He'd just stepped outside, finding some empty bench in front of the building to sit at. It wasn't like he could eat at his desk as per usual when everyone else was still there. He just couldn't stay there after being shut down like that in front of you.

All things considered, it hadn't been the most embarrassing thing to happen to him, but it still left him feeling like an absolute loser.

The worst of it all had been that you'd seen it all and hadn't even reacted.

It's not like he had expected you to stand up for him. Hell, you barely knew him. Maybe it was just easiest to engage with the majority; to laugh along when Doyle made a joke, joining in on the muted laughter of all his other coworkers any time Jihoon was used as the butt of some joke.

Except that you didn't laugh. Jihoon didn't even register your reaction before leaving, instead reacting in the same fashion as a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Fuck, you probably thought he was a fucking baby on top of already thinking of him as some defenseless loser. Jihoon wanted to blame it all on Doyle, but it was also his fault.

"Jihoon?"

His train of thought was interrupted by a sudden voice, startling him into squeezing his hands around the unbitten sandwich he'd been holding this whole time.

Turning to the voice, he found you standing there, paper bag in hand as you hesitated walking closer.

When he turned to you, mouth agape in surprise at your sudden appearance, you took a few steps forward, likely taking his silence as an okay. Like a fish out of water, he opened and closed his eyes a few times, unknowing of what to say. He really hadn't expected you to follow him out.

Dropping his sandwich, he cursed at himself. He attempted to catch it, but his hand to eye coordination had never been the best, so it just resulted in him fumbling his hands like an idiot before his sandwich met its demise on the dirty floor.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to catch you off guard," you apologized, rushing to the floor in front of him, squatting in front of him as you picked up his fallen lunch.

"I-It's fine, I-"

"No, Jihoon, I've already ruined your day enough, fuck. And now your lunch is ruined," you sounded genuinely disappointed, "Here, we can share my lunch! I'll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise."

You remained kneeling in front of him as he sat on the bench. Jihoon cringed at knowing your skirt would get dirty at its contact with the floor but you didn't seem to care. Instead, you looked up at him with worry towards him. Your eyebrows were furrowed and your bottom lip stuck out a bit in a small pout. It was both adorable and nerve-wracking.

"Please get up, you'll get your skirt dirty," was all he found himself saying.

Jihoon caught you chuckling under your breath before getting up, dusting your skirt and then taking a seat next to him. The distance you allowed between the two of you was too small for Jihoon's well-being, but a part of him deep down was happy about him.

You looked down at your lap for a bit, so did Jihoon. The two of you were quiet for a few seconds, but Jihoon was unsure why. You appeared to be bashful, perhaps even a little shy? It was strange to see. There was no reason for you to feel shy around Jihoon. He was the mess here. He was the one who should be avoiding eye contact, hiding himself away from you to ensure he didn't ruin things between you — Things, as if the two of you were anything at all. He was overthinking things again.

"Jihoon," you interrupted his train of thought.

"Hmm? Yeah?"

Idiot.

"I, uhm, I'm sorry about what happened back there," you began. Jihoon almost interrupted you, shaking his head and raising his hands to halt you, but you shook your own head, continuing, "I should've said something. I know I'm new, but god, Doyle's such an idiot. You didn't deserve that, especially since it was my fault. I'm really sorry."

Your eyes showed nothing but sincerity as you spoke. A certain worry reflected in your face, making Jihoon's heart soar, crumbling with some sort of guilt he didn't understand.

He had no idea how to react.

"I- I'm sorry," he stuttered, "I didn't- It's not your fault. I didn't mean to make you feel like-"

"What? No, Jihoon, I'm apologizing. You just wanted to help me and I wasn't appreciative. I should've told Doyle to get fucked," you put your lunch bag aside, scooting over a little closer and hesitating a bit before grabbing onto one of his hands, "I'm really sorry. I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship."

"Friendship?"

You flushed at his question, "Yeah, I, uh, aren't we friends? I know it's only been a few days, but-"

"Yes! We're friends, I'm sorry," you gave him a look, "Right, sorry, force of habit. Fuck, okay, I'll stop now," his hand itched in yours as you chuckled at him, "I ... Thank you. It's really nice of you to come check up on me. Don't, uh, feel like you have to stand up for me. Doyle's just ... well, what you said. I wouldn't want you to get picked on too."

"Don't worry about that, Jihoon. He wouldn't do that. He likes me," you revealed casually.

"What?"

"He asked me out last Friday, but I turned him down."

Jihoon's hand tightened around yours without him realizing. That revelation made him feel something he'd never felt before. It was as if his heart dropped while his jaw tightened. It might've been annoyance, but it felt stronger than that. Doyle? Doyle liked you? That bit was not shocking to Jihoon. But the fact that he'd asked you out surprised him. Did he have no care for you as a coworker? You were new, for god's sakes! What you needed was guidance, a friend, a colleague willing to walk you through the work like he needed back when he first started. Yet Doyle was instead choosing to-

"Jihoon? Are you okay?"

Fuck. He'd been rambling internally again. If Jihoon had a nickel for every time he embarrassed himself in front of you ..

"Yeah, uhm, sorry. Just, uh, don't really get along very well with Doyle."

"Can't imagine why," you said sarcastically, "Is there a story behind it?"

Your hand left his own at some point during your conversation, instead going to empty out your paper bag and absentmindedly split the sandwich you had in there. Without saying anything, you offered him a half, smiling in encouragement when he hesitated to take it.

"I, uh, it's nothing. Just dumb workplace drama," he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, "I'm just not too good at standing up for myself."

That sure was a way to downplay it. But Doyle truly wasn't the sole culprit to Jihoon's history with alienation. This had been his entire life. Jihoon had grown far too accustomed to being harassed in every way imaginable. From alienation, to physical beatings, to even having his life threatened, Jihoon had gone through it all. Back in his youth, he wondered if it'd been something he'd done. If maybe he was just unlikable and that was why everyone either avoided him or attempted to make his life even more miserable. As he grew, he began to wonder if perhaps it'd been due to growing up without any proper socialization. His parents had, well, not really existed — something which pained him to think about — which left him sad and alone for most of his upbringing. This was probably why he was never able to properly interact with other people, leaving him as an easy and defenseless target.

It wasn't a secret to Jihoon that he was weird. And even that was an understatement. As a young boy, he was always into things that most people found strange. He was too focused on books and anything that could expand his intellect. This was followed by his incessant need to babble about his niche interests to anyone willing to listen (which was usually no one). He quickly into his teenage years that this was not welcomed by people — usually learning it through patronizing teasing or some classmates taking on physical means to shut him up. Unfortunately, even as an adult, he'd continued to make this mistake, thinking that maybe he'd meet people who enjoyed his eccentric personality without shutting him down. He'd done it at this same job, immediately learning that his input (or his personality in general) were not very well appreciated.

"But that's still not okay, he shouldn't-"

"Hey, it's fine, really," he smiled at you, "It's more than enough that you'd wanna, uh," he hesitated, "that you'd want to be my friend. You know, with all things considered."

"Are you kidding? You're easily the funnest person in the office," you moved past the subject, likely understanding it was a sore spot for him, "Everyone else is kind of stuck up, honestly."

"Hmm, yeah? I can believe that."

He went on to take a bite from the sandwich you'd offered him, humming at finally being able to fulfill some of his hunger.

"What, they're mean to you but you won't even say anything bad about them?" you gaped at him.

He shrugged, "It's not productive. I don't hate them."

"Wow. You're a way better person than I am, Lee Jihoon," you sounded impressed as you said it.

And that was more than good enough for him.

Jihoon's friendship with you continued to flourish during the upcoming months after that.

Any other instance in which Jihoon would've usually cowered under the targeted disdain of his coworkers was instead met with your intervention. You'd usually interrupt, somehow turning the conversation away from him or even subtly shooting back against whoever had decided to snark at Jihoon.

The first few times had him blushing an embarrassing shade of red, stammering as he attempted to respond or even just appear normal at what had just occurred. He'd never experienced someone standing up for him, much less did he feel like he deserved it. Having your presence in such uncomfortable circumstances was more than enough to aid him, but knowing that you wanted to defend him made his heart go crazy.

Within the short time that he'd known you, it was obvious to Jihoon that, against all his attempts to prevent it, he'd developed a crush on you.

Under any other set of circumstances, that might've been fine. However, Jihoon had never in his life been under normal circumstances.

Crushing on you was entirely too terrifying. You were the most perfect girl he'd ever met — the only girl he'd allowed himself to be interested in in far too many years. He knew deep within him that he could not allow these feelings to continue flourishing, but he had never been quite good at burying his emotions.

It felt so high school. All of it. He was the loser outcast and you were the pretty cheerleader the quarterback was chasing after. The only difference was that unlike in high school, you were giving him the time of day.

Back in school, any time Jihoon found himself liking a girl, he was never met with reciprocation. Which was fine, of course. There were a few instances, though, in which it went further than lack of reciprocation, or even just rejection. Jihoon would need more than two hands to count the amount of romantic humiliations he'd undergone in his life.

There had been instances where he was confessed to as a joke, or even times when he was led to believe his feelings were mutual, only to be rejected in some cruel way. It felt like out of a movie at times.

Jihoon supposed he couldn't really blame others for their childish games. He was an easy target, lacking any familial or any sort of adult protection during his youth. Plus, he knew his victimhood was only a phase of these people's lives.

It was strange, however, that staying at the bottom of the totem pole throughout his life just seemed to become normalcy for him. He expected that once he grew, got a respecting job and found more friends that he'd move up in social hierarchy — or at least stop being metaphorically beaten down at every turn (he was at least grateful that the beatings were now metaphorical rather than literal).

You were the complete opposite of him.

In the time he'd known you, he'd come to find out that your life up until now had been nothing short of picture-perfect. You made friends easily in the office, even befriending people outside of your department you had no obligation of interacting with. And this was not new to you. You'd let Jihoon in on your childhood, telling him about your years as a cheerleader in high school, even riding that cheerleader wave all the way to college. Your entire life had been spent happy and surrounded by people who enjoyed your company.

Yet, somehow, your company of choice had become Jihoon.

Being chosen, wanted — even if just platonically — was something Jihoon had never experienced. His brain would override every single time he saw you, attempting both to not fuck things up between you and to leave his crush dormant.

This proved incredibly difficult at times. Any time you subtly stood up for him, or any time you smiled at him before leading him outside for lunch (at the bench that had now become your place. Yours and Jihoon's) together, or even when you'd simply scoot your chair slightly closer to his own during meetings, Jihoon felt himself sink deeper and deeper. His heart and his brain were constantly working against each other.

Tonight would be his hardest battle as of yet.

The two of you had yet to see each other outside of work in the past two months you'd known each other. This was fine to Jihoon. More than fine, actually. It gave him time away from you to recover from the palpitations your mere presence caused him (which required quite a lot of time).

Tonight, however, was the in which night he'd begrudgingly agreed to join you and the rest of your department on a night out.

Apparently these happened every few weeks. Jihoon had never known about them. Figures.

You were an active participant of these outings, usually insisting that Jihoon tag along, that you'd be there and would not leave his side (God help him). He'd even come to find that his friends Soonyoung and Mingyu from accounting would be there. The realization that he was such a hermit that he didn't even know his closest friends hung out outside of work without him did bother him a little.

And so he agreed. Against his better judgment, he let your pout and your wide eyes talk him into going to a bar with people (mostly) he knew hated him.

~

Jihoon had been unsure of how to dress.

When he'd texted Mingyu about it, he'd been met with a three-way call between him, Gyu and Soonyoung celebrating his first social outing in months. And then he'd been berated about showing off his 'assets,' whatever that meant.

Sure, Jihoon knew he was more fit than the average person, but this was something he usually felt shy about. He believed himself to be overcompensating for everything else he lacked in his person, both physical and personality-wise. So, it was safe to say that most of his clothes did not show off his assets.

Still, he made the attempt to follow both Mingyu's and Soonyoung's advice when it came to dressing up. Even if his crush was currently forced down a basement and locked away, he still had some dumb desire of impressing you.

You impressed him every day, whether you meant to or not. There was no dress code at his company, but formal attire was pretty much the norm, and you ... you worked with it quite amazingly, if Jihoon had anything to say. From the pencil skirts to the perfectly tailored dress shirts and blouses, you always left Jihoon working overtime to avert his eyes to more respectable places.

And so today he wanted to impress you. Donning some tighter jeans than usual (to show off his lust-worthy legs, had said Soonyoung) and a dress shirt unbuttoned just enough to give way to his chest (which Mingyu had called 'sculpted to the gods'), Jihoon moved on to his hair. He'd come to realize that unlike most other people, you really liked his hair. You constantly complimented the length and the pale tone of it. Bleaching his hair was something he'd started to do once he graduated college. He wanted some sort of separation away from his hometown when he'd moved away to work at the company, and despite the constant negative feedback, he'd decided to keep it.

He opted to let it down tonight, diffusing it after washing it to ensure some volume and a slight wave to it.

He looked fine, he thought. Jihoon didn't have any particular positive opinion about his appearance, but at least he'd gone from thinking himself a hideous hermit to simply okay. But according to Mingyu and Soonyoung, who'd offered to drive him, he looked like sex waiting to happen.

Blushing, Jihoon was unsure as to whether he wanted that to come true or not.

~

The hardest part had been arriving at the bar.

You were the first person he spotted as he and his friends walked in. The place was packed with members of your office, people he'd only seen in passing as he made his way over to his floor gathered with coworkers he wished he didn't know as well as he did.

But all of that left his mind immediately upon registering it. You were his priority. And everyone else's it seemed. Various men in your vicinity had their eyes on you, Doyle included.

Jihoon couldn't blame them. How in the world could he when you looked like that?

You were completely ignorant to any of the attention you were receiving. Standing by the bar, you were nursing a drink, leaning your body against it and giving Jihoon (and everyone else) the perfect view of your form. The slip dress you were wearing was shorter than the usual skirts you wore at school, allowing your legs to receive the well-deserved attention of anyone willing to appreciate the beauty before them.

This was the most skin Jihoon had seen of you. It made him feel like a depraved pervert to stand there and just stare, but he was hypnotized. The fleeting thought of getting to do more than just see passed through his mind, sending shivers down his spine. He had to shake his head to remove any filthier thoughts from entering his mind. He felt embarrassed and idiotic involving you in such thoughts. A sad, lonely virgin using his one and only female friend to feed himself with such thoughts was incredibly sick and deprived and-

"Dude, stop drooling. You haven't even said hi yet."

Mingyu nudged at him, breaking him away from his trance at once. Jihoon shook his head again to reset, coughing awkwardly as he attempted to negate what Mingyu had said, only to be interrupted by the other guy he'd arrived with.

"You look like sex on legs, man. Go talk to her. We'll go find a table. Come find us if you fuck everything up somehow," Soonyoung received a swift punch to his shoulder at his comment, but shrugged it off as he gave Jihoon thumbs up, walking away with Mingyu.

Taking a deep breath, Jihoon walked over to you, finding you still distracted by your drink.

Before he could even announce his presence, you sensed him, turning back and immediately offering him a wide smile. Good, you were happy to see him.

"Jihoon!," you left your drink on the counter to engage with him in a hug. His arms hovered over your waist, avoiding direct contact both for his sanity and out of respect.

Physical contact had never been Jihoon's forte. Usually he'd need some sort of warning ahead of time in order to mentally prepare himself. When it came to you, he so badly wanted his proclivity against physical touch to burn and die in a fire. He found himself craving your hug the moment you pulled away.

"I honestly thought you wouldn't come," you chuckled.

"I promised I'd come," he smiled back.

"C'mon, let's get you a drink. On me," you turned back to the bar, flagging down the bartender before turning back to him, "You don't seem like a big drinker. Is a beer okay?", he nodded at you as you handed him the drink.

The two of you leaned against the bar after that, letting silence between you consume you. Jihoon wasn't sure what to say. This was the first time he'd seen a girl outside of work in ... well, ever. And it wasn't just any girl — it was you.

"You look beautiful," he braved, finishing it off with an awkward cough.

Your body turned to his, a shy smile being hidden behind a lip bite, "Yeah? High compliment coming from you."

"H-hmm?"

"Jihoon, you look amazing," you emphasized, "I had no idea you were hiding all this under those baggy suits," your hands went to play with the neck of his collar, "Maybe unbutton it one more?", you said as you did so, "There, that's better."

Jihoon burned up. A tomato's red shade could not compare to how red his ears must've been at that moment. He flushed, breath hitching at your fingers gracing the skin of his chest. All he could do was clear his throat and advert his eyes, awkwardly smiling and nodding at you.

"You're cute," you giggled.

"Uhm, are you drunk?", he couldn't help in asking.

You giggled again, "I'm not, Jihoon. Is it that hard to believe I find you cute? Because you are. I don't know how you don't realize. You've been getting eye-fucked by those girls over there since you walked in," you pointed behind him, leading him to find two girls attempting at subtly looking his way, whispering among each other.

"O-oh, uhm, I'm sure that's not what they're doing," he stumbled, flushed.

"Uh-huh. Anyways, c'mon. I hate hanging out at the bar. Let's find a table," you grabbed onto his wrist then, pulling him towards the back of the bar.

On his way to the table of your choosing, he spotted his two friends, receiving a childish thumbs up from Soonyoung and a mouthed 'my man!' from Mingyu. He groaned internally, shaking his head and frowning at them. Once you made it to an empty table, you even commented on it.

"Those are Soonyoung and Mingyu, right? I'd never actually met them before. Come here with them?"

"Oh, yeah. I- ignore them, they're just being dumb," he scoffed lightly.

His hands laid flat on the table, unknowing of what to do with them. Your demeanor was way more relaxed than his own. It was clear to anyone around that you could blend into any environment. Jihoon, in the meantime, had trouble adjusting practically anywhere, especially at a social pool such as a bar.

"It's fine, Jihoonie, they're just rooting for you," you winked at him before enveloping the straw of your own drink in your mouth.

Jihoon decided not to overthink that (or maybe save it for later), also swinging at his own drink to avoid more awkward words leaving his mouth. He wasn't even sure why he was being such a socially inept mess. The two of you had had long-winded conversations at work many times before, maybe it was just the current setting. It felt the way he assumed a date would, except that it wasn't.

"Hmm, can I have a sip? My drink's too sweet. Here, have a taste," you went to grab at his beer, shoving your pink drink to his side of the table.

Looking down at the straw, he noticed the red shimmer of your lipstick on it, gulping at the thought of letting his lips touch it. But before he could psych himself out, he did it.

Before actually sipping at the drink, he allowed himself taste the lipstick. It was a sick and depraved thing to do, but he couldn't help himself. If this was as much of you as he could have, then he'd take it. The cherry tang it left on his lips made it worth it, but he couldn't let himself to enjoy it for too long. The drink itself had been entirely too sweet, causing his nose to scrunch up, which immediately earned a giggle from across the table.

"Sweet, huh? I should've gone for a beer, but I figured you wouldn't mind sharing," you shrugged as you took another swing of it, handing it back afterwards.

Now his eyes landed on his own beer bottle, eyeing that same glimmer on the mouth of the bottle. Without thinking of it, he took an swing of it, dropping the bottle too harshly back on the table before looking back at you. There, his eyes couldn't help but finding your lips. He tried being subtle, but he seemed to be lacking that skill at the moment.

"Oh, is my lipstick smudged?," your hand went up to your mouth. You fished your purse for a compact mirror and a set of two tubes, smiling at him before beginning to reapply, "It's such a hassle. That's why I never wear darker lip products at work," you said mostly to yourself. Then, you turned to him, plumping your lips before smiling, "How's it look?"

There was absolutely no way you weren't hitting on him. Jihoon may have been an absolute idiot when it came to any social interaction, but he was sure you'd been hinting at something all night. Right?

This was the perfect moment for him to flirt back. To compliment you, to woo you and make his interest known. If any moment was tailored for such a thing, it was this one. Jihoon just needed to grow some balls for once and be assertive.

However, that is not what he did.

Instead of coming up with some charming one-liner, Jihoon instead stumbled over his words, delivering a mixture of 'uhm, yea!' and 'looks great!,' completely emotionless while also awkward.

Fortunately for Jihoon, all you did was giggle in return. It sometimes felt both demeaning and like a relief when you'd giggle in return to his awkwardness. He hoped to elicit different reactions out of you, but that fault fell completely on him.

You eyed the bar behind him, causing him to turn back. There was a small area that was supposed to make up a dancefloor. This wasn't exactly a club, but the dancing scene appeared pretty turned up. Jihoon could even spot his two friends on the dancefloor with some girls unknown to him.

When his head turned back to face you, you smiled at him, opening your mouth to speak. Jihoon could see where this was going.

"Hey, Jihoon. Wanna dance with me?"

You were grinning as you asked. That overexcitement that was usually present on your face was there once more. Disappointing you with a rejection was the very last thing Jihoon wanted to do. It was literally how he'd ended up out tonight.

But, still, his idiocy knew no limits, apparently.

"Oh, uh, I- I don't dance," he stammered, "Sorry."

He went back to nursing his drink, eyes avoiding yours and closing off from further questions. When he looked back up, he was mortified to find some dejection in your eyes.

He needed to salvage this. He was a good enough dancer. He had no idea why he'd even said no in the first place.

"I, uh, actually, I could-"

"Hey, beautiful. If he won't dance, I'll take you out for a spin. I'll give her back in a bit, Jihoon, don't worry."

Jihoon's abrupt interruption was, of course, delivered by Doyle. Why he had been close enough to make out your conversation, Jihoon had no idea. It irritated him, though. That was for damn sure.

Jihoon knew you wouldn't say yes to him. After the endless lunch breaks you'd spent together, you'd become privy to Doyle's treatment of Jihoon. And although you never once actually acted on the negative feelings that had inspired against Doyle, you had still expressed to Jihoon how much such things had dampened your view of him.

What Jihoon hadn't considered, though, had been the very frustrating concept of peer pressure making an appearance.

A few other coworkers at a nearby table started to instigate, encouraging you to go join Doyle. Claims that he was a great dancer and that you'd look good out there together were thrown around. Each comment made Jihoon sink more and more into his seat. At some point, one of the girls in your neighboring cubicles even walked over to you, grabbing your hand to further encourage you to accept Doyle's offer.

You appeared troubled. From Jihoon to Doyle to the girls, you looked back and forth, mouth opening and closing without an actual response leaving you. An uncomfortable smile was on your lips the entire time.

It was obvious to Jihoon you simply did not want to leave him to his own devices. You'd promised so, after all. So he decided to take you out of your misery.

Getting up, he cleared his throat, "Go ahead. I, uh, I'll just go hang out with Gyu and Soon. I kinda ditched them earlier."

He added a little white lie to really sell it. His friends wanted him to stay with you, but he didn't want to force you to not have fun. He had his chance, twice, and stupidly missed it.

"See? Jihoon's busy. This isn't really his scene anyway. C'mon," and so Doyle managed to pull you away.

As you walked away, you turned back to Jihoon, but he was faster. You mentioned going to find him after you were done, but Jihoon tuned it out. Walking away in order to get to his friends, he could hear a short exchange between a few comments made by some coworkers. They weren't anything new, but they still bothered him at this moment.

"They'd made such a cute couple, huh?"

"Yeah! I heard Y/N was head cheerleader in high school. Doyle used to be a quarterback. It's literally like fanfiction."

"Yeah. Jihoon, though ... I don't think that'd work. He's too fucking awkward."

"A bit of a weirdo too. She's out of his league."

And then he was out of earshot.

He found Soonyoung sitting by some table near the entrance quick enough, he thanked god for that. He needed to at least not be alone right now.

"Dude! What are you doing here? What happened to your girl?", Soonyoung was quick to question.

Jihoon shrugged, taking a seat dejectedly.

"Oh, shit, man. I'm sorry," Soonyoung caught on, patting Jihoon on the back, "What happened?"

Jihoon simply gestured north of him, directing Soonyoung's eyes to the dancefloor you were currently at. You'd quickly warmed up to the mood, a smile gracing your face as you danced along with a few of the girls from the office. The silver lining was that you weren't actually dancing with Doyle as originally intended, but rather dancing near him. Still, Jihoon could see Doyle occasionally make his way to you and try to subtly get you to dance with him.

"Fuck. It's that asshole Doyle, huh? I'm sorry, man."

"What happened?", Mingyu suddenly showed up, sweaty and out of breath.

"That dick Doyle took Hoonie's girl," this was met with a frown and an expletive from Mingyu.

"She's not my girl. She's not my anything," Jihoon grumbled, "I think I'll just go home."

Getting up, he was stopped by Mingyu, pleading he stay and have fun. Similar complaints were given by Soonyoung. But neither were enough for Jihoon to want to stay. He'd been an idiot and done nothing to even try and match your energy. It was no wonder you left at the first chance you had.

"I only came to hang out with her," Jihoon sighed sadly, "I'll just see you guys next weekend, okay? Have fun without me."

He hugged each goodbye, disregarding their pouts and heading out. He didn't bother looking back, not wanting to sadden himself even more.

"You're lying to me."

Both Mingyu and Soonyoung stared at Jihoon like puppies awaiting a treat. Their metaphorical tails were practically wagging. It was unnerving. Especially because of the subject at hand.

Jihoon had decided to take the Monday off. He'd decided to grovel over what happened. After what happened last night, he felt like a complete loser facing you at work. Like an idiot, he'd let his feelings get all muddled and made himself believe that maybe you had some interest in him. Only to immediately fuck things up and leave you alone with the guy who was his literal antithesis. Not only that, but he'd left you there without even saying goodbye despite having agreed to be there for the sole reason of being with you.

After four o'clock, Jihoon should've known that his two nosey friends would come find him. It was rare for Jihoon to miss work, so their sudden knocking a few hours after clocking out was predictable.

However, they'd been the ones to shock Jihoon. They had shit-eating grins when he'd let them in. They'd managed to sit through a quick lunch prepared by Jihoon before spilling what had them in such an annoying mood.

"Dude, she came looking for you after you left," had said Mingyu.

"She looked sad as fuck when we told her you left! Then today when you didn't show up to work, she-" then Soonyoung was interrupted by an overexcited Mingyu.

"She asked us for your address, dude! Came all the way to accounting all shy and shit and asked if we thought it'd be okay if you stopped by," Mingyu had finished.

Jihoon spent a few minutes in surprised silence after that. The belief that they were playing a prank on him was the most logical to him.

"Dude, we're not lying!," Soonyoung exclaimed, nudging Mingyu so he'd confirm his statement.

"Yeah, she said she'd stop by in a few hours. We had to clock out early to come warn you."

"You clocked out early cause you hate working," Jihoon rebutted."

"Okay, two things can be true at once."

"Anyways, she'll be here at any moment. So you should doll yourself up for her. I have no idea what she may want, but-"

Mingyu interrupted this time, "Are you kidding? They're gonna fuck. It's going to be a k-drama moment and then they'll seal the deal."

Soonyoung made an O face and gave Gyu a high-five. The children in front of Jihoon were beginning to drive him insane. And usually he would've scolded them, but their words were making him too anxious to think.

Suddenly, Jihoon got up, ushering them out.

"Okay, get the hell out of here. I need to be ready for her, fuck. Fuck. I should've just gone to work today, I'm such an idiot," he groaned to himself, beginning to pick up their plates so he could tidy up the place a bit.

"Dude, calm down. It'll be fine. Clearly she cares if she's coming to check up on you after just one day of you being gone," Soonyoung reasoned, "Whatever happened to a phone call anyway?"

"This is the romantic way to do it, Soon, c'mon."

Mingyu shrugged in agreement, now dragging Soonyoung along with him towards the exit. Their goodbyes were as prolonged as per usual, but Jihoon was eventually able to get them out of his apartment.

Jihoon rushed to make the place as tidy as possible, even fixing himself up as best as he could whilst also looking casual. The hardest hurdle was coming up with non-pathetic reasons as to why he'd left in such a rush last night and why he had skipped work altogether.

How was he supposed to explain that he was a sensitive, good for nothing, pathetic, loser piece of-

But there was a knock before he could even finish a single thought.

He knew who was on the other side, even if he tried to will you away by purely praying to get himself out of this situation.

"Jihoon? I know you're in there," you called out from outside, "I saw Mingyu and Soonyoung leave work early today. I assume they came over to warn you I'd be coming."

Fuck, you were too smart.

There were too many good things about you. And Jihoon would've loved nothing more than to take a few hours to think about all those things, but he had your actual presence to deal with at that moment.

With a deep breath, he walked over to the door, opening it and finding you standing on the other side of it. You were still wearing your usual office ensemble, meaning you'd come directly from work.

"Jihoon," you breathed out. There was a mixture of relief and worry in your tone.

"Uhm, come in," he moved aside to allow you in.

Naturally, the two of you moved over to the couch, rushing to the kitchen really quick to get you a drink — one he, of course, knew by memory from the months in which he'd known you.

"So, uh, what's up?", he cleared his throat.

"Jihoon," you put down the coffee cup he'd handed you, shifting your body on the couch to face him, "I'm really sorry about last night," you began, "I promised I'd stay with you and then I left when I really should've said no to Doyle and all the girls."

He wasn't fully facing you, but he could still perceive how apologetic you were. It made him feel like an asshole to be the cause of this. Why did he have to be so damn sensitive?

"It's not your fault, it's-"

You went to grab his hand from his lap, mirroring that first time you'd followed him outside back when you'd barely started working with him. Physical touch always made him anxious, but it was a good type of anxiety when it came to you.

"No, Jihoon, it is," you reaffirmed, hesitating to continue.

A sort of shy look overtook your face, drawing your eyes away from him for the first time since your arrival. You even let go of his hand, acting as if you'd been shocked you even took it in the first place. A small 'sorry' left your lips before you continued speaking.

"And I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night with all my, uh, flirting," you swallowed, "I know you don't see me that way. I guess it was just the whole, uh, vibe? that made me feel like it was okay, but I won't do it again, I promise. I want to respect your boundaries. I didn't think you'd end up skipping out of work because of me. Fuck, I feel like a terrible friend."

Jihoon could do nothing but watch in horror as you spoke.

Every word that left your lips was more wrong than the previous. You'd misunderstood everything. But then again, Jihoon had not communicated his interest at all. You had no way of knowing that he liked you or that he'd been hoping against all hope that he hadn't misinterpreted your advances.

There was one last chance presenting itself in front of Jihoon. This was his last and only chance to set things straight. To grow some balls and risk it when he told you that he reciprocated any feelings you may have had for him — and tenfold.

But he stayed quiet, gulping when you sat there with an equally horrified look on your face. It was likely due to his silence, yet his body was still frozen.

"Uhm, Jihoon, I- I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry, I-"

"Will you go out with me?"

It had been said so suddenly that Jihoon didn't even register he'd been the one to say it. He hadn't planned to say that, especially so suddenly. It was as much a shock go him as it must've been to you. Surely his face matched yours, which consisted of wide eyes and an agape mouth. The shock was entirely mutual.

"What?"

Jihoon flushed, gulping and looking at his lap. His heart was practically beating out of his chest. This was the most daring thing he'd done in years, and its effects were manifesting physically. Sweaty palms, rumbling stomach, eyes burning, he had it all.

But at least it was out there now.

"I, uhm, I wanted to know if you'd want to go out with me?," he tried again, pathetically adding a quiet 'please' afterwards.

"Jihoon, what? You like me?"

The way you asked made it sound like it was the most shocking thing you'd heard in your life. That in itself made his eyebrows furrow in confusion.

He decided to start from the beginning. And this time he was the one to grab your hand.

"I was okay with everything you did or said last night. Trust me. I was just a coward. I was especially a coward when you asked me to dance. I wanted to say yes- I should've said yes. But instead, I let that idiot take you and- and when I saw you having fun, with- with him, I just left like an idiot. I'm sorry I left just like that. It wasn't you. It was me, I swear," he rambled on a single breath, "I do, uhm, I do like you. A lot. An embarrassing amount, really," he chuckled to himself, "And if you'd still be willing, I'd, uh, I'd really like to take you out on a date."

Eye contact had never been Jihoon's forte, and much less in an instance such as this. His eyes remained on his lap, altogether avoiding even daring look in your general direction. But eventually came the time in which he had to look your way to try and gauge your reaction.

Looking up at you, he believed to see horror in your eyes. The very last thing he could've ever wanted to provoke in you.

This was it. This was yet another rejection. Another humiliation leading up to social ruin. His one and only friend in his department would seize to want any sort of relationship with him and it was all because he misread a situation yet again and acted like a socially inept idiot.

"I, I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"I didn't know you liked me," you interrupted.

"Huh?"

"God, Jihoon, I had no idea you liked me back, what? This is crazy. I thought I fucked everything up," you let out a humorless chuckle.

"What?"

Now he was confused. Now he was the one with horror in his eyes.

'Back'?

"Sorry," you chuckled, scooting closer to him, "I like you. I assumed it was obvious and that you were just having a hard time letting me down easy," and with that, you blew his mind.

Jihoon sat there, mouth agape and eyebrows scrunched together in absolute shock. Things could not have turned more different than he'd ever imagined.

Yet he still felt like he was being played. Such things had happened in his past. Fake confessions, tricks of the mind, you name it. As much as Jihoon liked you, his past experiences screamed deep within him to back away, to not fall for it.

And then you grabbed his hand again, scooting even closer. There was a look of understanding in your eyes.

"I'm sorry," you began, "I'm not lying Jihoon, I really do like you."

Before he could ask what you meant, you continued.

"I, uhm, talked to Mingyu yesterday — I asked him not to mention it to you. He told me some stuff about your childhood," you paused, waiting for the solemn nod he gave you to continue. He tensed, leading you to squeeze his hand, "I know there's been some stuff in your past. We didn't get into details, but I promise I'm being genuine. I like you. And if you really do like me back, I'd love to go on that date with you."

Jihoon hadn't processed your proximity until this moment. He'd been too focused on the possibility of this being another ruse, another way to break him down just because of his social ineptitude. But now that his brain was working again, it immediately malfunctioned once more as he realized what was happening.

Not only had you admitted your own feelings and accepted his invitation, but you were far too close for anything other than a kiss to occur. If your proximity didn't give it away, your eyes did. Zeroed in on his lips, they occasionally made their way back to his eyes as if asking for silent permission.

And for once in his life, Jihoon was daring. Jihoon took the first step without fear of fucking things up.

As pathetic as it'd be to admit out loud, the very first touch of your lips was life-changing for Jihoon. There'd been one or two kisses in his life, all filled with instant embarrassment or simply being nothing to write home about.

Yet this kiss was devastating. It was a testament to everything he'd ever fantasized about yet convinced himself he'd never have. It was soft and barely there at first, but the quiet sound you let against his lips was all he needed to lose his mind.

Before he could pull away, shy, bashful, you pulled him back in, opening your lips and welcoming him to do the same.

Your tongues met in the middle before Jihoon completely surrendered to you. He didn't even try to put up a fight. It was unnecessary. All he wanted was your kiss, to fall victim to anything you wanted to take and give him.

A shaky breath was let out into your lips. It felt as if his body was vibrating. The immense nerves he usually felt in social situations and all their physical symptoms were present, but it was all too different than usual. They were accompanied by a burning in his stomach.

Jihoon knew this to be arousal. Frankly, it was a pathetic realization — to feel such things with a simple kiss. But it wasn't any kiss. It was you. It was your tongue in his mouth, your hands making their way to his hair, your soft sounds muffled with his own.

"N-no, not yet. Please," he found himself pleading when you pulled away to breathe.

And he almost cried when you moaned at his pleading before trapping him in another kiss, just as heavy as the last.

Jihoon was in over his head. He could barely follow along. Could barely please you with his own lips. He was defeated by you, too high on lust to be a worthy opponent. And god, he couldn't even let himself begin to think about what was going on in his pants at that moment.

"Jihoon," you breathed.

You'd learned your lesson from last time, it seemed. Instead of attempting to pull away, you licked at his lips, keeping a nonexistent distance between you.

"What do you want?", you asked, "What do you want from me? I'll give you anything you ask for."

His mind couldn't wrap itself around that statement. He wanted everything. His body was burning and his mind was reeling. Never in his life had he come close to feeling like this.

It had been many years since he'd settled for his life. No more hopes or dreams for love, for anything grander out of life. The concept of physical touch or any sort of pleasure had left the picture quickly into college. All he'd ever known had been senseless fantasies of what could be but would never be.

Yet now he sat here, prettiest girl he'd ever seen looking into his eyes — eyes heavy with lust that made him have to use all his strength to not cry and moan and whine at the effect he seemingly had on you. Did you like stupid losers with nothing to offer? Because he was the perfect candidate.

And his eyes dropped to your lips again, almost as if there was some sort of pull towards you that he could not control. Even while knowing all other forms of pleasure he could beg for, he needed to kiss you again.

"Nghn, I- Kiss, I wanna kiss you. Please? I wanna-"

His begging didn't last long, soon interrupted by something he could barely call a kiss. It was wet and messy, teeth clanking and tongues suckling at each other. Sounds of pleasure shamelessly left both your lips and your bodies got closer to one another.

The next thing to blow his mind was your body, which soon made its way to straddle his own. From this angle, you were slightly above him, now ensuring you had all the control — though that was met with no complaints from him.

His usually shy hands were forced onto your hips by your own before yours went back to running through his hair. They were liberal, your hands, in exploring him. When your lips trailed down to his neck, exploring and quickly finding his weakest spots, your hands went to his shirt, reaching under it and exploring the bare skin underneath.

"I want you, Jihoon. Do you want me too?," you whispered into his ear, teeth softly pulling at the lobe.

Jihoon couldn't think, couldn't breathe. His mind was a chorus of yesyesyes, too broken to actually respond.

"Want you, p-please. Anything ... You can do anything, just-"

Everything cut off then. Your touch, your lips on his skin, your weight on his lap.

But it was replaced by you pulling him towards the door leading into his bedroom, quickly assessing the room before pushing him onto the bed.

He was pliable under your touch. He'd be a boneless doll if necessary. Anything you wanted was yours — Jihoon was yours.

The empty weight of his lap only lasted a few seconds before you filled it back up, hands once again finding his shoulders. He felt shy under your gaze, especially knowing you could probably feel the hardness beneath you.

"I've never ... I know it's probably obvious, but I, uhm ..."

"That's okay, Jihoonie," your hand went to his cheek, soft in caressing it, "We don't have to do anyth-"

"No!", he suddenly interrupted. He became bashful when he realized how sudden and loud he'd been, "I mean, uhm, I want to. I really want to. Please."

You sighed, "So polite, Jihoonie. Bet you're going to be so good to me, aren't you?", you said almost to yourself.

Jihoon swore his dick twitched at your words. There was nothing in this world he wanted more than to be good for you. He needed you to tell him how nice and how good he was. Nothing would ever compare to being the giver of your pleasure.

He nodded numbly, mouth agape as you leaned down.

But instead of kissing him as he'd expected, the hand on his cheek shifted. Your thumb graced at his bottom lip as you watched intently. Jihoon's body reacted on its own. He needed no direction to open his mouth the tiny bit necessary to let your thumb in, suckling softly without needles any further direction from you.

This caused you to groan, which in turn made him moan. He'd never been one to have any sort of creative fantasies. Any time he allowed himself to think about sex, it was all pretty cut and dry, usually involving some faceless girl that he knew would never manifest herself into real life.

But now he had a girl — a girl he was completely infatuated by. And she had her thumb in his mouth, looking at him like he was the manifestation of her lust.

Jihoon didn't know what to do with you. You were too much for him to deal with, too much for him to function properly. He'd never imagined himself having to will himself into not cumming due to a pretty girl's thumb in his mouth, but in this moment there was nowhere else he would've preferred be.

And then you pulled your thumb away, earning yourself an embarrassing whine from him. He almost had it in him to complain, to whine and ask for you to give it back. He wanted to provide, to give you something back. But instead, you kissed him again, this time using your hands to unclothe him in the midst of the messy kiss.

Somehow he ended up shirtless, with his pants removed and sitting there with mere boxers while you sat atop him, still fully clothed. Yet he didn't have it in him to complain. If this day was full of you doing whatever you desired with his body, allowing him not a single touch of yours, he'd take it. He'd be willing to take anything you gave him. He'd beg if necessary.

"God, you're gorgeous. How do you not have a line waiting to get their turn with you?", there was a hint of frustration in your voice. It was as if the sight made you angry, like it made you so frustrated you couldn't hold back. Cuteness aggression but replaced with lust. Jihoon couldn't comprehend having such an effect on someone, much less you.

"I, uhm, I don't-"

He had no idea how to respond to your praise. But thankfully, you didn't give him enough time to muster out some pathetic response, instead opting to kiss him again, hands feeling up every available inch of skin.

You pushed him up on the bed, silently encouraging him to scoot up so he could lay down with your body still straddling his own. This felt more intimate. Jihoon knew where it was leading, he'd imagined being in this position once or twice, but never pictured it'd be anything like this.

"Is this okay?", you asked once your hands went to his chest, softly tracing shapes in it in a way Jihoon wasn't sure was supposed to be teasing or if he was just so touch-starved that it felt euphoric to him.

"Yeah, I, oh, fuck, yes, just ..."

He found his answer when your hands went to his nipples, circling them softly before pinching and pulling at them with your fingers, shutting him up before he could even make out a single sentence. It only became worse when you lowered your head, mouth meeting one nipple while the other remained engaged by your hand.

Sensitivity on his chest was not something he was aware of. There were likely countless things he was into but had never managed to explore. But Jihoon decided in that moment that what he was into was you. Every touch, every kiss, every look, every word. He held onto every single one and sighed into them, losing himself in the process and- fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

Any further exploration of his mind halted at that moment. The moment in which your hips joined in on the fun. They ground against his own shyly at first, testing the waters. His hands gripped at your hips helplessly, almost as if attempting to hold onto his remaining sanity.

The worst part was when you reacted to it. Enjoying the feeling that first rock of your hips gave you, you continued, whining into his mouth as your hips sped up. Your hands gripped at his shoulders, though they occasionally felt up at his arms and chest, clawing at the muscle there and ensuring to leave your mark.

Jihoon was on fire. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't speak. All he could do was pathetically whine into your lips, silently begging for you to never stop, for you to make him forget himself.

"Please, oh fuck, pl-please don't stop. It's so- good, oh ..."

"God, keep talking like that," you groaned.

Fuck. Of course you liked him pathetic and whiny. Of course you were turned on by it. It created a never ending cycle of you doing whatever you wanted to him and him crying like a needy loser, only causing you to double down. It was heaven and hell. Jihoon's body was in overdrive.

"You're gonna make me cum, you- fuck, don't stop, I need- shit, please."

His voice was unrecognizable now. Jihoon didn't know which dimension he was in anymore.

Until it all halted.

Your movements ended, and the weight on his crotch left him. A pathetic whine came from his lips at this, but he was too needy to feel embarrassed.

Before he could get up and kneel, begging at your feet to continue (something which he'd truly do if he wasn't to embarrassed by the thought), you made your way back to him, though this time Jihoon felt an unexpected warmth on him. A warmth accompanied by sticky wetness. It took Jihoon a few seconds to realize what was sitting on him, but when it dawned on him, it destroyed him.

Daring to open his eyes and look up at you, he found you flushed. Your face looked warm and your expression was far too lustful for him to handle. What caught his attention the most, though, was your sudden nudity. His brain could not process it, the sight of you in complete nudity, sitting on his cock with a single layer of his damned boxers intervening.

The sight went beyond his imagination. Goosebumps formed on every inch of his skin, and even his hardness twitched under you in a manner so pathetic it shocked even himself. The image above him would haunt him for the rest of his life, especially as he laid there unknowing of what to do with himself, of how to respond to such a sight.

And then you responded for him.

You grasped his hands, taking them away from your hips and bringing them up to your chest. Naturally, they engulfed your breasts, a groan leaving his lips at their weight in his palms.

"Like this, baby. Just touch me however you want," you encouraged with a breathy sigh.

"You're so pretty, fuck," he groaned again.

It caused you to giggle, biting your lip when his hands began to fondle you, playing with your nipples in the way you'd played with his earlier.

Your hips began moving again, though this time it was hotter, more desperate. You became frustrated with the friction quickly enough, digging into his boxers and pulling him out. Jihoon cried out at this, eyes rolling back at your hold.

After a few experimental tugs at his dick, you let go, letting it fall back against his stomach and taking a seat on it. Not putting him in yet, you began sliding against the length of it, letting your warm wetness grind against it in a manner so filthy it had Jihoon's head throwing back into the mattress.

"God, I wanna fuck you so bad," you groaned, "You'll feel so good, I already know it."

It was like you wanted to kill him. But Jihoon knew it was the mindless lust speaking. Which only made it all the worse for him. His incidental effect on you drove him crazy.

"Please, I- I want it," he cried.

But you decided to kill him some more.

"How bad?", you whispered into his ear, movements not halting.

If you wanted him to beg, to become a pathetic whiny mess as he pleaded for a single touch, he would. He had no pride when it came to you.

"So bad, you ... you don't understand. I need it. I need to feel it so badly."

But god, you were so mean. So terribly mean and wicked to him. Simple begging would not do, Jihoon realized. You wanted more.

"Need to feel what?", your hips sped up, the friction half-killing Jihoon.

"Your ... your, fuck," he gulped, "Your pussy. Please."

You moaned and then giggled, separating your cunt from his dick in order to create some distance. Sneaking between your bodies, your hand grabbed onto his hardness, sitting yourself up on your knees so you could align him to your cunt.

His tip was at your cunt, forced to circle at it by your hand as you teased both yourself and him. The warmth begging to wrap around his head made him delirious. Nothing had ever felt as good. There was no comparable experience.

"N-no condom?", he willed himself to ask.

"I'm on birth control. So if it's okay with you ...", you trailed off, chuckling when he nodded desperately at you.

You continued to tease yourself with his dick, gasping at the feeling of his tip against your clit as he twitched in your hand. The teasing was killing him, though it was too pleasurable for him to beg for anything else.

"God, Jihoon, I can already tell you're gonna feel so good, baby," you practically whined, "I'm gonna fuck you so good, angel. Just you wait."

And then your welcomed him in. In a slow descent, you lowered yourself on him, crying out his name once he was finally bottomed out.

Under you, Jihoon lost his soul. It was too warm, too wet, too perfect for him to react. His brain clocked out for the day, leaving him a hollow body meant for nothing but receiving pleasure. That orgasmic feeling of, well, an orgasm, was approaching far too quickly. Jihoon could feel his body contract on itself, insisting at him to let go, to give himself up to you.

But he persisted. The sight above him — the pretty girl with her eyes rolled back and her arched back causing her to press up impossibly close against him — had his body begging for just a few more moments to enjoy the endless pleasure you were currently giving him.

"'m gonna move now, okay, baby? Feel so good already, shit. So full," you sighed.

Your hands settled on his chest, palms pressed against it as you began to bounce. Sometimes you'd bounce, sometimes you'd grind. It was all too deliriously good for Jihoon to realize the exact science behind it.

If everything that came before had led him to this moment, he'd happily go through it all again. Nothing in his life could compare to this, to the intimacy, the closeness he felt to you at this moment. He had to do nothing but cry tears of pleasure under you, taking every bounce, ever rock of your hips, every kiss and every word of praise in his direction. If he had to go back to the lonely, hellish life he lived before just in exchange for this very moment, he'd beg for the chance.

But Jihoon didn't need to be as fatalist anymore. Not when you kept whining his name, when your eyes were crossed and your breasts were bouncing above him in a demonstration of your incessant need for him.

"Baby, give ... give me your hand," you suddenly moaned. Your hips sped up, clearly driving yourself to your orgasm and surely dragging him along with you.

He followed your instruction, just as his brain had been programed. He gave you his hand, groaning when you placed it at your cunt, silently instructing for his knuckle to bend and dig at your clit. You tightened impossibly harder at that and fuck, it was too good. It was too tight, too wet, too filthy as your moans heightened in pitch.

And Jihoon truly wanted to warn you. He wanted to tell you and come right alongside you, but his poor virginal body could only take so much before breaking. It was an impossible task to hold back and await for your own pleasure to join his. But god was it mind-blowing.

He'd orgasmed before. Alone, cold in his room, feeling pathetic due to his lack of possibility at romance, knowing he'd never find a girl to look at him with anything but apathy. Yet here you were, whispering filthy words into his ear, encouraging his orgasm with a hint of mischief in your tone as your orgasm interrupted your words.

You were evil, Jihoon realized.

Above him, you made a show of your high, providing him with a view that would surely ruin him for life. Your hands let go of his body, instead choosing to fondle with your own, putting aside your own orgasmic experience to instead destroy any last bit of sanity left in him (which truly was not much — likely in the negatives by now). Your face was one that Jihoon would tattoo in his memory, bringing back up again and again in order to finish himself off in the many lonely nights to come — he couldn't help his fatalistic way of believing this might be a one and only type of situation.

It felt endless, so endless that the pleasure was almost painful. But Jihoon could still categorically asses this as one of the best experiences of his long years on this earth.

The low after the high was still blissful. Jihoon had heard of 'post-nut' clarity, with it being sold as a negative after such a high. Yet Jihoon felt nothing but bliss as you disconnected from him and dropped to lay at his side, wordless as you intertwined your bodies and stole body heat from him (which, really, he was more than happy to give).

Jihoon was unsure of what to say, but the smile you gave him said enough for the two of you. It was a silent exchange of affection that Jihoon never thought he'd be on the receiving end of.

"Maybe skipping work today was a good idea," you joked after some silence.

His eyebrows lifted. Understatement of the year.

You laughed and nuzzled further. He must've said it out loud. Well, the effect was nice, so he had no complaints.

"We're going to have to visit HR first thing tomorrow morning," you groaned into his chest, seemingly unable to help yourself in pressing kisses there. Jihoon felt too loved.

"Hmm?"

But he was still half-dead.

"I'll wanna jump you as soon as I see you tomorrow morning. I won't be able to be discreet," you joked.

"You wanna, uhm, be official?", he risked in asking.

He wanted to slap himself. You'd given no indication of changing your mind about him. This fatalism was something he really needed to work on.

"Yes, you idiot. God, Jihoon. We're going to have to work on this," you agreed without realizing.

It was quiet after that. It was the same quiet Jihoon had grown used to in his solitary life, except it had morphed into a silence he could see himself becoming fond of. Your breath against his chest was all he could hear, and it was the one and only sound he desired from now on.

The following morning, you awoke before him, loving on him without question, wordlessly showing him how easy it was for you to want him, to love him. It was new, but for once, it didn't scare Jihoon. For once, he could see himself giving into something good without fear.

to read short 2.3k word continuation (+ all other previously written bonus content) you can go join my svt monthly tier on patreon!

content: office romance, semi-public sex, afab reader, smut, oral (m receiving), etc.

wc: 202 (teaser); 2340 (full drabble)

sneak peak:

"Hmm, we have to, hmph-"

That was as far as Jihoon had been able to get all morning before yet another rude interruption from you.

Well, calling it rude would be going too far.

In reality, Jihoon was very welcoming of every single interruption. Especially since each one consisted of your lips on his, with the occasional involving your tongue down his throat.

You'd woken up early, awakening him with soft caresses and kisses to his bare chest. It was a first for him. Everything was a first, really.

He'd been defiled for the first time last night, having the girl of his dreams suddenly showing up to his apartment to fix up a miscommunication (entirely caused by him) and turning his world upside down by confessing to a crush he'd believed completely unlikely.

The details made Jihoon too flustered to really think about, but at least he'd allow himself to enjoy the aftermath of it all.

But sadly, he had to try and interrupt you again. It was nearing the time to go to work, and as happy as he was with you, he knew things at work would likely have to change due to the sudden development of your relationship.

...

find the continuation on patreon!

if you have trouble finding it on there, just let me know!!<3

[damagedcoda6669]

hope you dont mind the ask, was just kinda curious ^^

what was your mindset in coming back to the internet and did you expect the kind of reaction that you got?

i wasnt expecting the positive response AT ALL. coming back my mindset was something liek "im only doing this so i can post my art again, im only doing this becuz im passionate abt my artwork. nobodys gonna believe me and im sure only a handful of ppl r gonna be rational abt this whole thing, and im gonna have 2 deal with a mob of ppl out 2 get me and another mob who wants 2 sexualize me and stalk me, but if i can post my artwork and just ignore it itll be fine."

and then i posted my vid and every1 was so sympathetic and understanding and pleasant 2 me. ive nevr experienced that kind of basic humanity b4 on the internet, and it was shocking. every1 was so nice abt my struggles with abuse and homelessness inparticular, which was honestly an afterthought in my comeback vid becuz i didnt think any1 would care. i didnt expect anything close 2 the reaction i got, and it gave me a lot of hope and peace. i felt safe posting online 4 the first time.

i cant say that i still feel the same, after the borderline 12 situation happening only 6 days after my vid ive basically been retraumatized and have severe anxiety surrounding the internet again. it was my fault and was incredibly disrespectful, hurtful, and wrong, i will never deny that i was wrong in the first place and did something horrible. but the sheer harassment and dogpiling wasnt warranted and was arguably worse than what i did 2 begin with. it was blown out of proportion and it only took 6 days 4 every1 2 stop liking me and treating me like a person. that situation made me realize that despite the overwhelming positivity that i received, there will always be so many ppl who want 2 take it away from me, who want 2 make the internet unsafe 4 me again, who want 2 see my downfall. i wont let them win, i will ALWAYS strive 2 want 2 be the best person i can be and better myself everyday, i will ALWAYS want 2 learn from my mistakes and improve. but knowing this, posting again feels liek walking on eggshells.

2 summarize.. i have vry mixed feelings abt the internet as of rn. im so so so so so so so grateful 4 the support and i love all of u, but i know that it could be taken away from me at any minute due 2 something that i will nevr foresee. i nevr come online with the intention 2 be problematic or controversial or hateful, i just liek posting art!!! i would nevr do something offensive or hurtful on purpose, but im scared of doing it by accident again.

didnt think thisd be so long!!! or venty!!! i need 2 talk less mayb.. lol ^^;

[juunobox]

──★ ˙ ̟ "TURNING BIRTHDAY BLUES AROUND!"(nikolai gogol x gn! reader w/ birthday blues)

summary : nikolai surprises u on ur bday warnings : none. this is fluff rly self indulgent, i struggle with birthday depression very very badly and yes it sounds silly but ik it can be tough for many others out there . if u struggle like me , i hope this scenario w kolya can make u feel a lil better < 33 this one's pretty short (i might write a pt.2 for this tho, lmk if u want more i think lol) enjoy!

Nikolai vividly remembered your sadness during your last birthday. He knew that you struggled with birthday blues, that's why he's willing to do everything in his power to make you feel better.

Two days before your upcoming birthday, he materialized himself in a quiet alleyway with the help of his overcoat, before blending into the bustling street. Nikolai began surveying the area, in search of a present he was certain you'd adore.

It didn't take long for him to spot the perfect store. He swiftly entered, greeted warmly by the owner. He adopted the demeanor of an ordinary customer, browsing the shop's items so casually. Nikolai discreetly tucked a few things into his overcoat, selecting items he believed you would love. Thanks to his clever use of angles and his ability, it appeared as if he were simply shopping, not stealing – yes, this is a skill he had perfected through countless similar adventures.

After concluding his "shopping," Nikolai exited the store, making a mental note to himself to wrap the gifts properly before presenting them to you. An eager anticipation filled him as he looked forward to making your upcoming birthday a memorable and joyful occasion.

…

"Thank you for today; I'll see you all next week," you said as you closed your laptop, rubbing your temple in relief. Finally, work for the day was done.

You stretched in your seat before standing up from your chair. You glanced at the calendar, being reminded once again that today is your birthday. You had originally planned to spend it with your loved ones; alas, you have work to do, and your loved ones are busy around this time of the year. But you were grateful that at the very least least you weren't alone this time, even if it meant being with your coworkers. A little pathetic, you admit, but it's better than being completely alone with your thoughts. It helps to distract your mind off of things.

You couldn't forget the last time you spent your birthday alone; it ended horribly. Paradoxically, your birthdays tend to become the worst day of the year in your case.

You couldn't pinpoint when or how it had started, but you noticed that in the days leading up to your birthday, you often feel a deep sense of sadness, which intensified on the day itself.

'No, this year isn't that bad. I learned a thing or two, at least.' You told yourself that repeatedly in your head, like a sort of mantra - a desperate attempt to not let the same kind of thoughts that consumed you last year did its job again.

As you made your way to the kitchen to brew a cup of coffee and unwind, you were taken by surprise. He popped into view as if by magic, a sight you'd grown accustomed to. In front of you stood a familiar face: Nikolai, donning his trademark grin and his customary monochrome attire.

"TA-DAH!" he cheered with a confetti in hand, nearly smothering your face.

"Niko–" you attempted to speak but was quickly interrupted.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, [y/n]!!" The clown cheered again, carelessly tossing the confetti aside to pull you into a tight hug. He then spun you in his arms, his beaming smile mirrored by the twinkle in his heterochromatic eyes as they met yours.

"I thought you weren't coming," you said, meeting his gaze.

"I had to give a lot of 'surprises' to government officials today," he chirped, and you understood it all too well what he meant by 'giving surprises.' You're used to it. Yes, you should expect seeing the aftermath of his gruesome 'surprises' on the news in the upcoming days.

"So, you're here to surprise me as well?" you asked.

The clown nodded eagerly. "Yes, but not in 'that' way!" He giggled and twirled you once again, almost making you dizzy. After such a long day at work, it was a bit challenging to keep up with Nikolai's boundless energy, even though you always cherished his presence around you. He stepped back and reached into his overcoat, pulling out several boxes of presents and tossing them in your direction.

Witnessing a plethora kind of presents in varied sizes scattered all over the floor left your mouth slightly agape and eyes widened in disbelief.

"All of this for me?" you muttered incredulously.

"Of course, it's for my dearest dove, after all," Nikolai happily giggled. "I have to make it special!"

He winked whilst flashing you a peace sign before spinning in place, placing a hand on his hip once he came to a stop. "Isn't it amazing? I got all your favorites," he exclaimed, continuing to shower you with presents, creating a growing pile of gifts at your feet. "And if this isn't enough, we can go for a shopping spree!" Nikolai wrapped his arm around you, drawing you closer until your bodies bumped.

"You meant, a shop-lifting spree."

"Hehehe!" Nikolai giggled, feigning innocence as he leaned over, holding your face in his hands. "You can't blame me, dove, I'm only putting my ability to good use~" The clown began peppering your face with kisses, leaving no spot unattended.

You couldn't help but giggle as he did this, each kiss leaving you a little ticklish and, admittedly, giddy for more. Nikolai always had this infectious energy. It was always, always so difficult to stay blue whenever he was around. He has this uncanny ability to bring a smile to your face in ways that you couldn't quite comprehend.

"I want to make this the best day of your life," he slowly pulled away and reached for your hands, interlocking his gloved fingers with yours. "I'm so happy you were born in this world. My world felt nothing like it did before I met you, [y/n]." The jester cooed, sealing his sentiment with a gentle kiss on your forehead.

You felt your heart skip a beat at his words, how heartfelt his words were. 

"Well, I certainly feel the same, Kolya. Thank you for taking the time to visit me today..." You whispered, swiftly leaning in for a kiss on his cheek.

Nikolai hummed in delight as he received the kiss on his cheek. He lets out a small giggle, "It's just what I should do, [y/n]," he replied with sincerity in his voice. "I wouldn't miss celebrating your special day for anything else in the world!" He nuzzled against the crook of your neck, making your heart swell with affection. In response, you decided to delicately ruffle his white hair. Nikolai always seemed to enjoy having you touch his hair, always finding excuses to make you do it. The two of you remained in this position for a little longer, finding solace in each other's presence. You brushed a bit of dust off Nikolai's hair, as you often did, while he closed his eyes and leaned against you.

Deep down, Nikolai doesn't quite understand why you placed so much pressure on yourself. It broke his heart to see you put so much stress because, to him, you were already more than enough. Nevertheless, he didn't want to press you; he wanted you to open up at your own pace.

In the meantime, he's determined to brighten your days, even if just a little. Having experienced loneliness himself, he couldn't bear the thought of you feeling alone, especially now that he had found you.

"You know, [y/n]," he began, his voice softening as he savored your touch, "I can sense that something has changed in you this year."

You blinked slowly at his words, almost in disbelief. "What?" you paused, "The good kind of change..?" Nikolai nodded. "What a silly question! Of course, it's a good change, my dove!" He leaned back to look at you in the eye. "And I'm super thrilled to be the first one to acknowledge all your hard work this year!" His hands quickly found their way to squeeze your cheeks affectionately.

"Let's make this birthday the best one yet!"

[thewritingginger]

Fluff Alphabet - Hermes pt. 2

Fluff for our fluffy babe

Fandom: Blood of Zeus Letters: I, N, U, V, W Warnings: None, Fluff

Enjoy~

I nspired - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

His s/o helped him work through some his childhood trauma w/ his step mother Hera

& just generally helped teach him that his feeling matter and that they are ok to express when he needs to

He’s always so busy helping others and being a shoulder for his s/o that he kinda forgets/ doesn’t really think about his needs in the same vain

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

His Nicknames for you: 

My Love/ My Heart

Sweetheart

Bug (cuz you’re smol and you’re his cuddle-bug lol)

Angel

Your Nicknames for him: 

Herm

Speedy

Baby

Handsome

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Very empathetic!!

This is our sweet boi!!!

This man is the one to go to when you need to be heard and a shoulder to cry on, he’ll listen to you for as long as you need him to & give answers/ comments when you want them

After being with you he can read you better than yourself sometimes

If you’re getting anxious in a social situation he knows and will help you as best he can, either by comforting you or leaving if you need to

If you’re feeling sad he can see that will go out, get your favorite treat or meal and cuddle with you on the couch till you’re ready to talk about it

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it thats worth in comparison to other things in their life?

If you’re serious you’re his near top priority tbh —especially if y’all are married

If you tied together he values your opinion when it comes to the smallest things like what to have for dinner to big life decisions like whether of not he should take a job

You’re his rock and he wakes up grateful everyday he has you

W ild Card - A random. Fluff Headcanon.

Hermes really wants to be a daddy—biological or adoption, he don’t care

One day you offed to watch your friend’s kid so they and their partner could have a night for the two of them

Being friends them as well, Hermes came over to help you

Your friends left midday so about an hour after they were gone you packed up the babe and the three of you went to the store to get a few things for dinner

Placing the toddler in the cart you began pushing them around and Hermes watched as the two of you interacted.

He couldn’t help the smile pulling at his lips when you’d deviate from your path to look at something the little girl was pointing at

Watching you cave and getting her an ice cream for after dinner warmed his heart

Then to top it off he couldn’t help feeling an odd sense of happiness when an elderly women at the check out commented on your little group

“I just have to say, you are the cutest little family.” Hermes just smiled wide, his arm slung around your shoulders as he thanked the women. In the moment you just laughed it off and smiled back

It wasn’t till the two of you were making dinner, your friend’s kid watching a movie in the livingroom, when you bring up what happened

“You thanked that woman when she mistaked us for a family,” you started, stirring the pot on the stove.

Coming up from behind you, Hermes wraps his arms around your midsection and kisses your shoulder

“Is the idea of us having a family that terrible,” he jokes, his warm laugher vibrating against your back

“No,” you quickly say. Putting the lid on the pot you turn in his arms, “It’s just that I hadn’t thought about it much.”

“Really?” he says, eyebrows raised amused.

“Do you think about it alot?”

“All the time,” his admission steals the breath from your lungs and your belly flutter in the best way

“Really?” your response mirroring one of his own, except this one is filled with more awe and love than humor

“Really,” he confirms, knocking his forehead against yours, “I’ve known since the moment I met you’re my one and with each day, including this one, I’m reminded how great of a parent I think you’d be,” can this man make a person melt anymore?!?

“I think you’d be great too,” you confess, wrapping your arms around his shoulders pulling him down for a kiss and just as your lips touch you hear a little voice behind you

“Groooosss,” you and Hermes share a little laugh, figuring if this is the future you want you might as well get used to it now

[Pt. 1]

Hope you enjoyed that :3

💛 ~

~ Masterlist ~

[johaerys-writes]

Hello! I hope you're having a better week than the last. A WIP Wednesday, if you're okay? You can skip this ask so plz no pressure! Have a nice day and I luv u❤️

Hey anon!! This week has so far been slightly better than the last, and for that I am SO grateful lol. I've started working on yet another disasters!patrochilles one shot (shocking absolutely no one) which is basically The Break UpTM, from Achilles' POV:

"He did what?"

Dei is standing in front of him, fists on her hips, her dark eyes flashing. Achilles shakes his head, sniffling into his tissue.

"I cannot believe it. This is— This is just— the fucking nerve of him!" She angrily flips her sleek black hair over her shoulder and paces the living room, her mouth twisted in fury. "After all this time— all the chances you've given him!"

"I know," Achilles laments, and he can feel the tears coming again. He doesn't even bother dabbing at his eyes, letting them flow down his cheeks instead. There's no stopping them now; the wave of emotion that climbs up to his throat is thick and hot and all consuming, choking him. It’s pain and loss and heartbreak and frustration, all wrapped up in one, and he can’t unravel it.

The previous night, when Patroclus pulled him and held him close, is still fresh, searingly bright in his mind. He can still feel Patroclus’s hands on him, taste him on his lips; all those years and years of pent up longing and hoping and praying finally finding their release. And then he remembers how Patroclus had looked at him that morning, how he’d pushed him away without a second thought, and he wants to start screaming and never stop.

"What did he say to you? Tell me again, word for word."

"That he doesn’t know if we should do it again," Achilles sobs. "That it's not right, not… proper. That friends aren't supposed to do things like that, aren't supposed to—to sleep together."

"Friends, my ass. He's been throwing himself at you since you were fifteen!"

More like the other way around, Achilles thinks to himself, but he doesn’t have the heart to correct her. He takes a shaky, stuttered breath. "Then— then I asked him why he kissed me last night, why he let it all happen if he didn't think it was right."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't know-w-w," Achilles bleats pathetically, burying his face in the fistful of tissues he grabs from the box.

Dei huffs and shakes her head. "The fucking nerve of him!" she repeats, more emphatically than before. She throws her hands up and starts pacing the living room again, muttering and cursing to herself.

Rhea brings him a glass of water as Dei keeps ranting and talking with her hands. Achilles shakes his head at the water; he can’t drink anything, he can’t eat anything, so tight is the knot in his throat.

"Are you sure that's what he meant?" Rhea asks. "Maybe there's something else going on with him, maybe… you misunderstood him."

"There's nothing to misunderstand," he tells her. "He just— doesn’t want me. That's all."

"And that’s his loss. Okay?" Dei stops pacing to come sit next to him. She strokes his hair and gives him a new tissue from the box. "He doesn’t deserve you, sweetie. You're so much better than him."

Achilles shakes his head. He knows Dei means well, that she only wants to comfort him, but the notion is alien to him. How can Achilles be better than Patroclus, how can Patroclus be worse than him, when they've always been the same? One heart, one mind? He doesn’t know if there are words he could say to make Dei understand.

He shivers, his chest run through by a bout of fresh pain. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. He wants to scream, and he wants to wail, and he wants to tear his hair out by the roots; he wants to curl up in a ball and crawl under the covers and never again come out. He wants to die. He simply wants to stop existing.

"It's over," he sobs on Dei's shoulder while Rhea holds his hand. "It's all over."

"Now, now," Rhea coos, patting his back. They both comfort him copiously as he empties their tissue box, and then some.

~~

Thank you so much for this ask!! I hope you're having a good week too 💙💙💙

[a-chaotic-dumbass]

Lol whoever j0nerice stan said that must have been related to whoever tf wrote the last hotd episode where Alicent does not know Daeron at all??? Uhhmmm? They never interacted at all after he came out of her? No letters? Was he exiled? Banned from ever interacting from his mother? Not surprising the whole hotd plot right now is T4rg a$$ licking why am i surprised 😂 they must all share the same brain cells, because that just makes no sense 😂 like a lot of meta writers always slap the fact that they think of each other, how she taught him how to talk to girls???

Like pleaseeee Jon has 0% chance of falling for dragon c00chie, this I am sure of, unless GRRM also wants to commit that Season 7 character suicid3 in his last two books. 🤷‍♀️🥹

tbh i cant really comment much on the hotd part bc ive yet to see the latest episodes but my mildly spicy take is that i still lowkey like the show💔 i might not be a targ enjoyer but even i can appreciate some nice costume design and finally some good looking dragons. i do think its odd that we're only now getting a daeron name drop instead of seeing him in s1 bc like? he's still one of alicent's and viserys's four children, arguably the best/most adjusted. anyways. i think theyre doing the best with what they got, esp given that im p sure it'll be explained with something along the lines of daeron being sent off to Oldtown to squire for a knight(which makes sense i suppose but the principle is there. i still wanted to see him in s1)

the thing abt jon x dany is that i mostly get why ppl ship it, yk, hot cold fire ice red blue opposites attract and so on, and if i squint my eyes and twirl around three times, i can also see how it *could* happen if dany were to land in westeros and get to the north. personally tho? i dont really see it. yeah theres jon and dany not even knowing that the other exists, but also the fact that for the past 5 books the north and the starks have been fighting for independence and to overcome their tyrannical rulers (Robert's Rebellion against Aerys, then Robb being declared King of the North, their disatisfaction with the Bolton and Lannister regime, the Frey pie and the grand northern conspiracy theories.) Dany wants all of the seven kingdoms and the iron throne, she says so herself in the show. even if she and jon do have an affair, then ive no doubt that she'd give it up for the IT, esp bc we all know that R + L = J is certainly canon, which could make jon a rival claimant, not to mention young griff still existing. could jon fall for dany? ehh possibly, i highly doubt it tho. even if it did happen, i hope grrm would handle it better than the i dont want it u r my qween we got in the show bc jon isnt an ambitionless man. he has goals and drive he wanted to be lord of winterfell in his childhood and when stannis offered him the north, truly he considered it, he even joined the nights watch bc its a place where bastards can climb the ranks. idk why the jonerys ship/pers seems so insistent on making jon a meek little house husband but its kinda grating

[duffmckagans]

love ur writing (truly) n i’ve also kind of been wanting to get into it recently. this may seem like a really stupid question, bc it is lol, but like, how do u just.. do it? like make everything flow so organically, humanize the characters etc. if u have some tips to share i’d be grateful 🫶🏻

omg, thanks!! that means a lot, considering i haven't shared anything online for over a year now <3.

i don't think this is a stupid question at all! i don't know how qualified i am to answer, either. yay on wanting to get into writing, first of all! but i would disregard all writing advice for the most part until you find something you're really passionate about writing. fanfiction or original, no amount of advice and/or technique is worth a dime if your heart isn't in it. i saw this with some of my later work on the fic until i dropped off, where it was just clunky and eh (while technically "better" than anything that came before) just because i wasn't do it with the same amount of passion that i started with!

my first word of advice is to just do it, though. once you find something, just do it. writing, especially if you're just starting out, is not meant to be good, let alone great or revolutionary. you want to write, then you put words to a page, and that's that. find your story, build your characters, sketch your scenes, and write it all out with no thought for quality or cohesiveness. all of that, believe it or not, is the fun part. not easy, no, but certainly fun. you kind of just have to sit down at your computer and go at it, sort of in a trial/error sense. it may not click until it does, but once it does, you'll never want to stop.

i feel like my biggest advice, particularly on flow of plot, is to just plan. some people are natural pantsers and do better connecting dots as they go, but i'm not one of them and never have been, so i can't really speak on the merits of that method. i can say that planning the entirety of a work (not necessarily a whole series) (though it's always good to have a roadmap) is absolutely necessary if you don't plan on doing several drafts. but even for my original works, where i will draft several times, i swear by knowing every step of the way before you get there on the first round. it leaves you with less of a mess at the end. for the fic, i used to plan in patches (5-10 chapters at a time with the exception of major bullet points) due to the length, but it never spares you from plot-holes/abandoned threads/under-developed bits in some places and over-developed things in others. so for a nice flow on a larger story-sense, planning in advance and making outlines--as detailed or as not-detailed--as you please should be your saving grace. there's no rule about following it exactly, and i myself have swerved off an outline many a times whilst writing, but it's necessary to me to at least get off the ground, and to sometimes drive a book through its home-stretch.

in terms of flowing prose-wise? that's a lot more subjective? and it's a constant game of improvement. i'm in the process of rewriting things i first wrote 4.5 years ago now, and there's so much of it that i have to glaze over while i rework because it's just so unbelievably bad. so long-winded, so melodramatic, or just generally unfitting/improperly toned. it took until i wrote a novel with a stiff word count limit that i learned how to be concise and mean what i say/say what i mean, but it's been to nothing but my own benefit. my prose has definitely become more subtle and less animated as time has gone on, as well, and i say this positively. every writer is going to start out with doing Too Much, and it may make paragraphs connect in strange ways, or dialogue feel unfitting for the moment, or just too much/too little detail in certain places, but that's the fun part of writing, or growing as a writer: learning how to spot those weaker areas and mend them. you'll find your style with time, the types of figurative language you like to rely on, the things (niche or not) that you like to write about, and it will make you a "better writer," but don't discount anything you do in the beginning. after all, it will get you to some end.

on characters, that's also largely subjective. everybody has different aspects of characters that they'll wish to focus on, and whether people are interested in those same aspects is usually what will have them referred to as well-fleshed out or not. people are never objective in their evaluation of something, i mean to say. the second step is to read other people's works/watch films, etc. witness the work other people do in order to make their own characters well-rounded, pull it apart, see how it works, and implement it yourself in your own characters. all writers learn from other writers or art-makers; nobody is whole-heartedly original. for instance, i've gotten really into pinterest lately (again) and building visual storyboards, and that actually helps me humanize my characters--painting pictures that aid their aesthetics, motives, inner turmoil, etc. the amount of things i pull from just pictures is large. (example) in general, i think creating a whole profile of influences for any given thing you work on is a must. find movies, music, art, pictures, books, people, etc, and see where they can lead you!

i think it's always great to share your writing with other people, as well! daunting, but true. one thing about writing is that it becomes a really lonely, isolating hobby very quickly if you don't do this. spending all those hours cooped up with nothing but your own thoughts inside your own world, while fun and at times mentally-stimulating, is not social. plus, like, i think every writer loves feedback; just knowing their work was read, thought on, and capable of evoking of some sort of emotional reaction. giving other people your work is also a great way to improve because they'll give you criticism, good or bad. they'll tell you where you excel/where you don't, and maybe give feedback/suggestions on how to fix the latter. they may say you can better tweak your prose this way, or the character may feel more gripping/the setting more immersive/the plot more believable, if ... xyz. there's only so far you can get on any given piece before that need for a second set of eyes sets in, and what other people have to say--if it's fair and well-articulated--can be invaluable.

i'm trying to think if there's anything else i have, and...not off the top of my head? again, i'm not an expert. i have nothing published. i keep neglecting my original work to write fanfic. but i welcome questions anyway, and if you have anything more specific or if there's something you'd like me to expand on, let me know!

[c3cilia23]

checking in w myself <3

i feel so so safe w her. both physically and emotionally. i feel safe in her company and very comfortable to be myself, to be affectionate, i truly feel like its easy to let my guard down (little by little of course lol)

i also feel very comfortable and safe bringing anything up that may bother me a little bit and she feels the same. like of the 2/3 things that have come up they were all valid and reasonable and we were able to communicate easily and honestly. she checks in with me and i feel like i honestly could do a better job of checking in with her too <3

we are both able to listen to each other and be curious about each others feelings, thoughts, lives, etc etc. we both ask a lot of questions and i love that a lot about us honestly. she won't admit it but she's definitely a yapper with me <333

she has made it so easy to trust her bc of how honest and communicative she is with me. even in the small moments I've had where I've let my insecurities/ego get a little in the way i have also known that it will pass because there is no part of me that thinks she would cheat or do anything to break that trust.

our relationship feels very equal. like no one has the upper hand on anyone else, we balance each other out a lot in a variety of ways and i really like that. very yin and yang /.\

she is supportive of me and my goals, reminding me she's proud of me and asking me about the things i'm doing in school + my job. obviously this is like a bare minimum thing u would hope but i still am appreciative of it hehe.

i am so happy. like genuinely the past two months have been so warm and light, i'm truly enamored. i laugh so much with her, i am thinking about her from the moment i wake up to the moment i fall asleep. from the beginning we both said we had a good feeling about this and obviously it's still new, it still is the beginning relatively, but i'm just really excited to keep getting to know her & falling in love with her & see where this goes.

i feel really happy with my life currently/before i met her and i still do. my own life that I've had independent from her is so wonderful and im so grateful for everyone in it. getting to share my life with her now is a bonus <3 we are two complete individuals, not two halves of a whole ( although i would still call her mi media naranja <33 )

i'm definitely over all of my ex's / situationships! no lingering feelings or anything like that and ik she is too.

she really does meet everything on my list of what im looking for and what i want in a relationship, the needs i have are all being met without me even rlly having to ask for them which is nuts.

i am constantly learning and growing as a person individually and i am ready to continue to work on myself as well as the relationship as a whole. i am very comfortable and able to communicate openly and honestly with her about the good and the bad and the uncomfortable and the exciting and everything in between.

although i am more busy now than i have ever been i am still able to make time and put in energy to the relationship because it fills my cup. i have a much better balance of my work, school, and personal life. although its not perfect i feel like im able to spend the appropriate amount of time on everything without neglecting another. i am intentional in making time for myself <3

i have an amazing support system and im so so grateful for my friends. they really do keep me grounded and help me not make any stupid decisions lmfao.

i feel confident in my ability to make decisions and set + enforce my own boundaries. i am not trying to mold myself to fit what she wants, i am my own person w my own life and i include her in it because i want to share my life with her.

i am ready to be vulnerable and give long distance the best shot i can give it. i know this wont be easy and it takes a lot of work and trust but i know that she is worth it all. i really have a good feeling about her and i trust that we will both put in our all to make the relationship work

i want to be there for her in anyway she will allow me to. i want to be here to support her through the ups and downs that will inevitably happen and im ready for her to be there for me too. we each already had some moments within the past few months where we were going thru something and confided in the other and i am so glad we are able to support each other <3

i know that relationships take compromise and some sacrifice and i am ready and willing to do that if/when the situations arise. i have no doubt that we will be able to talk through and workout any obstacles that life throws our way and im excited to live life w her by my side <3

[earlgreytea68]

How do i get better at writing, if ur willing to- do u have any tips or tricks?

I think everyone has their own writing tips or tricks and so what works for me might not work for you, and you should definitely experiment and figure out what you like or don't like, but here are some tips/tricks I swear by personally:

Write what you want to write. Unless you're being paid to write something, there's no reason to write something you don't want to write. So write whatever you want. Let it be as self-indulgent as possible. If you are enjoying it, it will come across in your writing, and then your readers will enjoy. They will feel your love for what you're doing and they will be inclined to regard it with similar affection. I only ever write what I want to read in the world. In fact, usually my fics start with me having an idea and being like, "Argh, has no one else done this yet?! If I want to read it, do I have to write it myself????"

Think about the writers you admire most. Whenever I read something written by someone I think is really good, I try to figure out why I think it's so good. What is it that I admire so much? Sometimes it's something I feel like I will never be able to achieve, but sometimes thinking about it makes me realize I could do it, too. Or at least try. The difference in my writing before and after I discovered The West Wing is so striking, I will forever be grateful I found Aaron Sorkin and he taught me how to write rapid-fire dialogue as well as those grand, big, emotional speeches that no one ever delivers in real life but he does SO well. I devoured everything I could find that Aaron Sorkin had ever written, and I didn't do it to consciously mimic him, but inevitably I started to sound a little more like him, mostly because I'd begun to realize what he'd been doing so effectively. I do the same thing with anything else I read that I love (mainly pieces of fanfiction these days). Like, if I'm impressed by a particular scene or plot or whatever, I take note of what that writer did that I loved about it so much.

But also: be you. You learn from other people, but you don't need to reinvent YOURSELF. I think working hard to be someone else will just exhaust you and not be fun for you. I don't think of writing as being super-different from talking. Slightly more polished, but however I would tell you the story in person, that's how I want to tell the story in type. If you feel comfortable talking and uncomfortable in front of a keyboard, maybe do some dictation to open yourself up. That doesn't personally work for me, but I could definitely see it working for some people.

Don't skip writing the boring parts to get to the good parts. Better: Don't write any boring parts lol. Like, if you're too bored to write the bit, then your readers will probably be too bored to read the bit. If the bit's so boring you want to skip it, maybe you don't even need it.

Be wary of cutting to black too much, or too soon. A lot of times it can be really tempting to just write something like "They talked all night," or "Over the next few months, they grew closer." Whenever I find myself writing something like that, I pause and think about it. Sometimes, that really is what the story needs: You can't write down every single thing the characters do, of course. But sometimes what you're skipping over is actually where the meat of your story lives, if you're telling a love story. What they talked about all night, or over the next few months, is what makes your readers (and you!!) believe in them as a couple. Like, I find myself writing those moments instead of letting myself skip over them because I'm looking for the part where they click for me -- and then I'll know that they clicked for each other. A good example of this is in "Next Christmas," when I threw in all those text conversations between Pete and Patrick. I skipped those months in the narrative, but I felt it was extremely important for all of us to see how much they interacted over those months. I could have just said "They'd been texting constantly for the past six months," but I personally think it was more effective to write out the texts. Maybe you disagree! Like I said, everyone writes differently! But I point it out just on the off-chance that you might not have thought about why I spent the time to write all those text conversations. I thought they made a difference to the story, so I put them in. They also made a difference to me. I like it when I can pick up inside jokes for the characters to have with each other lol. Another thing in "Next Christmas" was I needed Pete to talk about something, rather than put in a fade to black, and I'd just learned about opossum genitalia, so I had him say that, and then look at how much in the story came off of that. SO MUCH. And that was only in there because I felt like Pete needed to keep talking but I had no idea what to have him say so I just picked something random.

Just write. The only way I know how to write is to write. I never outline. Or not the way other people seem to. I know some people would never, ever write by the seat of their pants, which is why all writing rules are only suggestions, and if that thought terrifies you, don't do it. But I tend to believe that outlining becomes procrastination for me. Same with research. I'm doing it to delay writing. It's never a good thing for me to do. Just write. Even when I don't feel like writing, I try to make myself write just a few sentences. Sometimes it's just not coming that day, and I'll give up, but I always try, because sometimes once you start, the continuing is much easier.

Keep writing. I am a much better writer today than I was ten years ago, and an incredibly better writer than I was twenty years ago. The more you write, the more tricks you learn, the more you grow to understand your brain and your process, the more you can lean into it.

Trust your characters. I'm not great at plotting (or outlining), because for me I just go where the characters want to go. If I'm having a really hard time writing something, it's probably because I'm fighting against what the characters want to do. That's just an unpleasant way to write, I think. Let them do what they want, even if it's different than what you have planned. I just have this theory that being true to the characters will in the end serve your story better than whatever plot you want to jam them into. Of course, they might fit perfectly well within your plot! Cool! But sometimes, you've gotta give up on the idea you were in love with because a better idea has come along. Another example from "Next Christmas": I truly did not know if they were going to break up that Christmas they got together or not until the scene was written. I could see it going either way, and making sense both ways. My natural instinct once characters get together is to let them stay together, and I always worry that I will therefore put characters together too soon (what I did wrong with the dystopia, too). So what I did was start writing the scene where Patrick shows up freaking out to see what he would say and what Pete would do. And when it was done, they were broken up. And I think that was right. I don't think it was contrived, I think if I'd done what I wanted to do and let them stay together, Patrick never would have trusted what had happened and eventually it would have ruined them and it wouldn't have been as satisfying a story because that would have been looming over them.

Read your work over, not just for typos. If there's any moment you hit where you find yourself a little confused as to how it reads, fix it. If you're confused over something that came out of your head, your readers definitely will be. Also, as you read it over, think about the pacing of your story. If some emotional thing has just happened that you really want to make sure your readers notice and absorb and relish, something that you love and want to highlight, add in some character reaction, to let the moment breathe more and not move on too fast.

Finally: Have a good time! I do not believe that writing should be emotional torment through which you perform therapy on yourself or other people. If that's what you want, cool! But if you just want to have a good time, then please, have a good time.

[luveline]

hi jade! i saw u make a post about how you still live at home and i do as well, and i think we are about the same age. how do you feel about it ? if you don’t mind me asking. i’ve been struggling a lot recently. i feel really restless and like i need to move out. i just feel sort of behind. i also recently just came out to my mom as a lesbian and she’s not supportive at all / doesn’t believe me lol so it’s made things 100 times worse. idk. i do obviously feel grateful i can save money and i know it’s practical but it’s for sure tough

I do not want to be living at home for the only reason that people say it’s embarrassing!! I love living with my family and especially my sisters and I’m in a very fortunate position with my mother wanting me to live here too, so in that way i feel okay with living at home, and also because everyone I know my age pretty much also lives with their parents still. The only people who don’t are friends who’ve had kids, I know that the money I contribute here is a quarter or even a sixth of what I would spend living alone (if I could even FIND housing) and with my university course, I don’t think I could manage to study and work the amount I’d need to to support myself alone, so im really grateful honestly to be living at home because it’s given me the opportunity to get my qualifications!! Im so so sorry to hear that she’s not supportive, that isn’t right or fair. Yeah it’s great that you can save some money but absolutely not great to live in a home where you aren’t wholly supported as you are! it sounds very tough!! But I don’t think you’re behind with the way things are more and more people are living at home later and later, and I think unless you have a reason to move out (such as kids or perhaps to be in a better environment (totally depending on how you feel and what you want)) then there’s no reason to rush. Obviously I don’t want to encourage you to stay with a parent who doesn’t support your sexuality but I also know realistically that it’s sometimes your only option, or the easier one in a hard life. But no I really don’t think youre behind, maybe some people think we are but personally I don’t 😭 I do WISH I was able to live in my own space, of course I wish that and I know that we are in actuality outliers and most people our age have moved on (edit: in the uk!) but it doesn’t in my eyes matter as much as how happy you are or what your options are, does that make sense? If you want to move out and you think you can do it then I definitely think you should give it a try!! Especially if moving out makes you happier!

[hannieehaee]

LO$ER=LO♡ER (teaser)

18+ / mdi

summary: jihoon's been pushed aside and ostracized from the moment he was born. completely alone, with no family and only a handful of friends, he's been too beaten down to expect anything good with the shitty cards life has dealt him. when he's presented with his new coworker, it's hard to not fantasize about her, but he'll never actually allow himself to believe she could ever look like him with anything but pity — just like everyone else.

content: loser!jihoon, antisocial!jihoon, sociallyawkward!jihoon, insecure!jihoon, sunshine!reader, jihoon is basically just a complete loser with horrible luck who's never felt true happiness (sorry), mentions of bullying, mentions of jihoon's sad past, sunshine!reader, slowburn, lots of worldbuilding but its just so u can feel sorry for jihoon lol, coworkers au, pining, miscommunication, afab reader, smut, sub!jihoon, virgin!jihoon, handjob, body worship, nipple play, dry humping, penetrative sex, etc.

(^ no actual content warnings in the teaser)

wc: 1.9k (teaser); 14k (full fic)

RELEASE DATE: february 10th!

or you can check it out on my patreon today by subscribing!

a/n: i put together every form of loserism and created this jihoon

masterlist

Every week was the same.

Jihoon would get up, fix his overgrown hair the best he could, and take the train over to work.

This was as far as he'd gotten in life; an overly repetitive existence with no sense of joy within it.

He should've been happy. Things were better now. Being 27 with a stable job and no real issues in his life should be something to be grateful for, yet Jihoon found himself being completely displeased with his life.

Surely there must be more to life than this, right? A lonely and loveless life that appeared to be leading him nowhere. But still, things were better than before.

It was hard for Jihoon to speak of his childhood, much less his teenage years (or even his college life). It was all too grim. He'd grown to accept it, to let it all go, but the past had made him who he was, and he knew his current self was to blame for his loneliness. For his lack of love.

And so he continued his daily routine, living day after day with no change in sight. He accepted this with a flat smile, grateful that things were just fine. Not good, not great, not even varied, but just fine.

This week, though, finally had something different. But to Jihoon that was usually bad news.

Were you bad news?

You were the brand new thing in his life.

It was your first week in his office. A brand new face. A very pretty face.

Jihoon never thought about such things. He'd never had any romantic experience in his life. He had a long distance girlfriend once, but even that didn't work out. Too much distance, too many lies, too many complications. Jihoon just wasn't made for love.

So he never thought of such things again.

It was rare for him to even see a pretty girl on his day to day. His morning commute was far too early and filled with people way too old for him to even look in the eye without feeling disrespectful. His workplace, although consisted of a variety of people, was not a place where he felt very welcome initiating friendships or anything of the sort. Cliques had ended in high school, he thought, yet he found himself at the bottom of the food chain among his coworkers. He wasn't liked and was deliberately avoided by everyone around him.

Until you came along.

Finding you beautiful was no surprise to Jihoon. It was the most obvious thing in the world. Putting appearances aside, you were sunshine personified. Smart, confident, hardworking, gentle, nice, beautiful. You were everything anyone could ever want. At times Jihoon even wondered whether he wanted you or if he just wanted to be like you.

You'd caused an immense impression in him within the short time in which he'd known you.

He hadn't really gotten to know you on a personal level yet. But you had extended him an olive branch upon the first meeting, which was a memory that had implanted itself on his mind. It was rare for Jihoon to come by good memories.

This was the first time he'd felt accepted in a very long time. Yet the fears of it turning around and slapping him in the face (like in so many prior instances) was too big for him to really consider you good news in his life.

It was kind of embarrassing looking back at it. Jihoon hadn't been expecting you (how could he have?), but you suddenly showed up at his cubicle accompanied by one of his coworkers, Doyle.

Doyle wasn't someone Jihoon thought too much about — or at least he tried not to. He was the classic high school bully, except in a corporate-world wrapping. Jihoon had dealt with bullies his whole life, he'd become desensitized to it by now. Still, it bothered him to see him standing next to you. He hadn't met you yet, but he was immediately disheartened by the new girl at the office looking buddy-buddy with someone he considered an adversary.

What had been surprising to Jihoon, though, was your complete disinterest in Doyle's obvious advances.

It was pretty often that Doyle would attempt to assert his dominance by putting Jihoon down in front of other coworkers. He'd tease him and patronize him in front of anyone to see in order to show others who was in charge. And it was not Jihoon, that was for damn sure.

Jihoon got up as soon as he sensed a presence at his cubicle, somehow managing to stumble over his feet as he did so. When he looked up, he was not expecting you, yet there you were. Beautiful, smiling down at him with genuine interest in your eyes. You didn't know him, but you had kindness in your eyes. He could tell.

He stumbled over an introduction as Doyle interrupted him, telling you Jihoon's name and position at the company for him. Unwarranted and once again showing that if he so wished, he could speak over Jihoon.

But you'd interrupted him in return, turning to Jihoon to extend your hand with that smile never leaving your lips.

"Hi, it's really nice to meet you," you'd smiled as he felt fire at the mere handshake.

"Hi, I, uhm, I'm Jihoon. Lee Jihoon. I didn't realize we had someone new coming. It's nice to meet you. You- If you need anything, you can always ask me," he slapped himself mentally when he said it. He stuttered his way through it like a fucking loser. His immediate attraction to you was too obvious. Doyle's smirk as he stood beside you told him all he needed to know.

"Oh, that's so nice, thank you! I'm right next door. Well- right next cubicle, so I'll probably take you up on that sooner or later," you laughed at your own attempt of a joke.

Jihoon couldn't help chuckling back, ignoring Doyle as he patted your shoulder, laughing along. Jihoon noticed a short-lived discomfort in your eyes at the action, one which died when your eyes went back to him.

Was he imagining it, or were you showing preference towards Jihoon?

"Well, let's not bother our little Jihoonie here any longer," Doyle interrupted once more, "It's almost lunch time," he leaned in to tell you, looking down at Jihoon, "We all usually go to a burger joint nearby — Jihoonie here likes to stay in, so we try to stay out of his way."

That wasn't entirely true.

Once upon a time, Jihoon did attempt to join the rest of his coworkers in outings, but he was always alienated. After a few too many slights about his hair, his height, his weird choice in clothing, or even just his personality, he decided to stray away from anything that wasn't strictly professional when it came to his coworkers. He was always the butt of the joke, so he made the decision to isolate in the office with a cold sandwich he packed for himself every day.

Sometimes his friends Soonyoung and Mingyu from accounting would join him, but there was usually not enough time to see them during regular working hours. This left him alone most of the time.

Your face seemed to deflate at Doyle's words. Whether it was out of pity for Jihoon or annoyance at Doyle's overzealous confidence around you, he wasn't sure.

"Oh, I actually brought a packed lunch," you told Doyle before turning to face Jihoon again, "Would it be okay if I stay in with you?", you looked at him with expectant eyes.

"You wanna, uhm, have lunch with me?", he asked dumbly and you nodded, "Y-yeah, that'd be nice, yes," he attempted a shy smile, succeeding when you returned it.

Doyle cleared his throat, interrupting the silent smiles you and Jihoon were sharing.

"Well, I could stay in with you if you want, I-"

But you interrupted him again.

"That's fine. I don't wanna get in the way of your plans. Jihoon will make fine company," you said politely, stepping away from Doyle to head over to your desk, popping back next to Jihoon with a brown paper bag.

Doyle looked dumbfounded for a few moments before masking it with a tight smile. Jihoon simply stood there as you pulled up a chair and settled it on Jihoon's desk, paying no mind to Doyle.

"I guess I'll leave you two to it. I'll keep showing you around after lunch. You have my number if you need anything," Doyle made emphasis on that last statement, offering you what looked like a genuine smile before giving Jihoon a look that told him he still felt victorious in the end.

"Thanks, Doyle! Bye!," you smiled back before turning to Jihoon.

Lunch was incredibly awkward for Jihoon. But that wasn't your fault. You'd been incredibly nice, asking him questions and keeping the conversation going despite the mumbly, shy mess Jihoon was. The conversation was entirely carried by you, with you surprisingly taking an interest in him. Every word, every gesture, they all led him to believe you were genuinely nice.

At the same time, he felt entirely delusional.

It wasn't often that people were nice to him, so it was likely he was building it up to be more than it actually was. You likely did not want to stay in with him, but after Doyle brought up that Jihoon was the only one in the office during lunch break, you had no option but to join him since you also planned to stay in. However, you were a good team player, Jihoon believed. Not many people would sacrifice their lunch to stay in with the black sheep of the office just to rid yourself of any possible awkwardness. Jihoon knew damn well many previous coworkers had gone out of their way to avoid him before.

But despite the belief that you simply pitied him, Jihoon missed your time spent together the moment it ended. He felt shy and blushed bright red at every single word uttered from you, but it had been the nicest interaction he'd had in a long time (a long, long time).

That had happened last Wednesday, repeating itself on Thursday, Friday, and then a whole weekend was spent with Jihoon solely thinking about you. Time that he usually spent reading or playing chess online was instead used up to think about you. It was mostly to overthink every tiny interaction and panic over it, but it was was still preoccupied by you.

But he also thought about other things.

How beautiful he found you to be. How nice, funny, hardworking, smart and riveting you were (despite this being an assessment he'd made in less than a week of knowing you). This was Jihoon's first crush in ... he couldn't even remember how long.

And it was terrible.

Every crush he'd ever had had turned out terribly. Harmless elementary school crushes turned into pranks pulled by his classmates in order to embarrass him. Prepubescent middle school crushes became false confessions that led to public embarrassment. Hopeless high school crushes were nothing but a farse that led him into giving up altogether.

Throughout his practically non-existent love life, Jihoon had always been met by nothing but discouragement, sometimes by simple rejection and other times by harassment from people who believed him to be unworthy of being liked. These were memories he did not like to relive, but the resurgence of feelings for someone brought them all back.

And so he was unsure of how to feel. He was unsure of whether to let himself like you or recoil, unwilling to even try.

...

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[bubaboos]

hello, here to share my opinions on troye's new album (sorry if it gets too long) 😌 as i said im absolutely OBSESSED with this album. like i always enjoyed his music, but to show this level of iconography????? CMON????? there is one problem i have with the album tho: every time i try to listen to it from start to finish, i get delayed by the fucking masterpiece that is "one of your girls" :/ every time this song comes on, i have to listen to it at least 5 times. wtf troye???? i would say it's my fave on the album, but that's an understatement. that's the best song of the whole year for me. god. isnt this giving daft punk like hello????? THE MV ALSO?????? 🤯 okay moving on to the other songs sjsjdhdhf u know that i loved all the singles, and they sound even better in the context of the album!! there is not a song i dont enjoy in this album, i couldnt even make a ranking because they are all so good. overall, THE BEATS in this album got me floating in space and shaking my ass at the same time. THE LYRICS???? i reallllly love the lyrics too i feel like they elevate the experience a lot which is so cool. the songs i find myself replaying the most (other than the obviously stated one above jsjdhf): in my room, honey, got me started (this one is a grower tbh). also i really feel like the songs are really cohesive and work so well together. i feel like every song will have their turn of being my fave in the upcoming months, because i intent to keep this on rotation ABSOLUTELY. this will be a contemporary pop classic and now troye is one of the main pop girls, sorry i dont make the rules... anyway, what are your thoughts? 😌

hello my beloved, finally answering to this ask!😭 sorry for keeping you waiting for so long aaaaaah

okay, first of all, i love your thoughts and i couldn't agree more about everything you said! <3 i keep coming back to this album, idk what troye put in it but it's SO addicting aaah! oh i absolutely understand the obsession with "one of your girls" bc GOD, it's amazing. chef's kiss on every level, the lyrics are perfect, the production is 10/10, the mv!!! (and yeeees, the daft punk vibes!!) are you kidding me?!! imo, the mv perfectly shows the transition between this album and troye's previous albums, he's confident, he's serving and he knows what he wants! and that's actually something i love about the whole album, it's very touching to see him being even more mature with his music and SO confident and it feels so freeing! genuinely, i'm so happy and grateful that i grew up with his music, it was veery important to me in my teenage years and it makes me so happy to see him grow as an artist (and person) waaah🥹 and i think that's also why i love this album so much, bc it's another step! ANYWAY yeeees, that's something i love so much about troye's music - how lyrics elevate the sound and vice versa. and oh yeah, the sounds and beats got me ascending aslkfkdsjfkjsah like come oooon!! and yeees the album is cohesive but i also like that every song has it's own story bc that's another thing i really like about troye's music haha which is narration! and with this album, i really like that there are themes that connect everything together, but that it's also all pretty "loose" and bc of that the songs are both good on their own but also work very well together! what can i say, troye gets it and he's The pop girl! fr, i was so excited about this album and had high expectations and he did not dissapoint! i love every single, although yeah, i also wasn't convinced about "got me started" at the beginning but it's a really good sample and i enjoy it A Lot now. it's soo hard to choose a fave, but i love rush (i could write a whole essay on rush AND i'm OBSESSED with the mv), still got it, can't go back and what's the time where you are? (perfect "me and this song against the world and life horrors aka going to work/uni" song) the most i think. troye saved this year with that album and he saved me during winter semester lol i'm so devastated that he's not coming to poland on his tour WHY troye WHYYY😭 (like what do you mean you won't come to poland but there's 5! FIVE germany dates come oooon)

[bewitchedfeathers]

Eyyyyy U/mbrella Ac/ademy!

I was rly rly into it for a while and left off somewhere in early/mid season 3 iirc, but I was down absolutely horrendous for B/en in particular lol. How many times do you wanna bet B/en warned K/laus about being out in the rain, making out with someone who obviously has a cold, exposing himself to some allergen, etc. and ended up having to say “I told you so” while being Very Worried but also Very Incorporeal and unable to help as much as he’d like to? Could also always pull the classic “ghost can induce people by phasing their fingertip through their nose” or similar vibes, especially w K/laus since he’s more connected to spirits?

I need an excuse for Be/n to snz, but all I’ve rly got to offer are a) corporeal due to Kl/aus b) possession and it’s a rly strange, but interesting sensation to him, honestly maybe him taking over Kl/aus’s body when he’s sick to make sure he takes care of himself and poor sick bby can just mentally clock out while resident ghost is Thriving c) we really pull some shenanigans with ghost worldbuilding, like being affected by ghost dogs or smth lmao

Kl/aus drunk and sick, my beloved tbh. I could also rly vibe with a dust or pollen allergy for him tbh. Absolute drama queen when sick or allergic though. But at the same time is very “I’ve survived worse, it’s fiiiine.” Stuck sneezes and false starts a lot?

I think there’s potential for A/llison’s rumors too, like could she rumor people into stopping a rly long/intense fit? Or out of being sick altogether depending on how advanced her powers are at the time? I feel like she would absolutely hate having a bad sore throat or losing her voice, since that’s such a source of strength for her. Honestly, she modeled and things too—probably also doesn’t like looking too disheveled, especially in public?

Luth/er being awkwardly a lil too big and bulky for tissues to some degree, especially since they’re so fragile to begin with, never mind his strength. Huddled up uncomfortably in a motel bed too small for him. Extra uncoordinated and unbalanced and trying to not knock into things or people bc he’s a gentle giant.

Brain’s a lil too half asleep atm to cook any potential pitches for the other three, despite them being some of my favorites lmao, but I do think fever nightmares are good all around, these guys are absolutely stacked with trauma fhsjdhsjsbbs and they’re in such need of good caretaking omg

Rosie! I'm so pleased to share another fandom with you! Thank you so much for sending this I am so desperate to talk to people about unbrella snz.

Ben is so cute. I'd love for him to have a cold (he's alive now for reasons idc) and just be tired and sniffley and not wanting to bother anyone but it's such a sneezy cold that he can't hide it. Gets fussed over by the others. He just deserves nice things.

Or maybe he comes back to life and everything is new again including sneezing. Maybe he even thinks it feels good to sneeze, satisfying and relieving, and develops a kink for it.

Also Luthor just struggling because he's so big and strong. Tissues are useless, especially because when he doesn't try to stifle his sneezes are big and messy. He's so embarrassed and always apologizing. Someone(s) gives him a bunch of handkerchiefs and he so grateful for something better than tissues that isn't a hand towel.

All your hcs are great

[borathae]

Chapter 29

Or maybe it is the knowledge that just three staircases below you and behind far too many doors, Taehyung was still standing chained up in a cold, lonely room. :(

Why does it feel like no time had passed and yet at the same time as if far too much time had passed? yeah i mean time skip exists lol but fr mood

Or maybe it is this dreadful smell, which has been ever so present in your room. Like oakwood and myrrh. You hate this smell. It is not a particularly bad smell as for example rotten eggs or spoiled milk, instead you really hate the memories you are starting to connect with it. where did we smell oakwood before

Maybe on other days you would have called it beautiful, but not anymore. noo :(

Running comes hard for you and yet that is all you can do right now. Run and run and run and run away from the heartbreak. everything hurts 😭😭 *plays life is worth living

oh kook is leaving 😭😭😭 our boi grew up and is now moving out

omg the dark voices calling us again, is it kook? or someone else? also why is that smell there? is one of them so upset to the point its stinking for a human like her? is it tae? another prisoner?

whats going on ANSWER HER QUESTIONS ASSHOLE

t is so quiet in this room that one could hear a needle hit the floor. teachers would kill for this

HOBI I LOVE YOU

oh jin who was it? or do u not remember ? DID U FUCKING HURT TAE??? NO NO U DID NOT YOONGI U MOTHERFUKER *sighs *reads the list 3 times

PERIOD BOO WE ARE BITCHSLAPPING EVERYONE AT THIS POINT “His silence? That is all you had? Taehyung has been refusing to talk for weeks. His silence means nothing.” FUCKING REAL

HOBI I LOVE YOU PT2 (hold on i have lost count actually) at this point FUCK EVERYONE, hobi lets hold hands and walk into the sunset bye

WDYM no he didnt YOONGI? U COULD HAVE SAID THIS IDK A FEW DAYS AGO??? MONTHS AGO???

“She is still alive. She begged them to turn her and so Jimin did.” LE GASP (totally didnt see everyone talking about emma, yeah never saw that) ok i knew she may or may not exist, but i didnt know she become a gluten

20 PEOPLE DAMN fuck they could have planned it better are we going to see her anytime soon?

huh whats going on? see for yourself??

You are on a dirty cobblestone street. It smells of rotting flesh and feces. You gag, covering your nose with your hand to fight off the stench. Gloves? You look at them, then down your body. A corset? A long dress? Why are you wearing clothes of a different century? ohh we are seeing memories SHE FOR THE COBBLESTONES (sorry i had to lol)

“Be grateful. You don’t want this burden”, Yoongi says coldly, is it referring to burden as in unable to forget bad memories and bad memories/nightmares being too realistic and detailed?

We remember things that are important to us, the rest we forget piece by piece until we wander on empty streets and pass by unknown shadows.” hmm guess there is a price to for soo many memories, even our memories become less detailed over time, videos turning into picture like memories, forgetting their voice, favorite stuff etc

why are we in a hurry? its ur memories right? does it do something to him? yeah hobi's right, where is our body and what is it doing?? is the smell coming from the dead people?

wow yoongi is immersed in the memory, no wonder he wanted to hurry It frightens Emma, forcing her to make one wrong move noo

NOO JIN LEFT WHATS GOES ON MAN “I don’t know. You always have an answer” fr mood, this reminded me of mom, cuz i always say this to her lol

“No you won’t”, Yoongi stops you FUCK OFF THIS HAPPENED CUZ U ALLOWED IT AND DIDNT SAY THIS BEFORE AND NO U DONT ALLOW HER TO TALK TO TAEHYUNG wow he really has the audacity to use tae as a leverage

“You’ll be grateful once you understand” yeah ik i will, and then i will simp over you at that time, until then let me be angry at you pookie

sibi what have you done to me why am i sweating over a fiction 😭😭 why am i seeing brown filters and balls in my dreams? why are you giving me mood swings from simping too hard 😽 to crying over cuteness overload😻 and angst😿 to pissed off 😾to happy happy happy😸

oh no we are at his wing 😭😭😭 is jimin coming back?😭when will he come back? i only got to cry over for him for a few paragraphs and then bam im crying over his death

Although the moon is the only thing illuminating your path this paragraph is so good, idk what to say cuz im busy being nostalgic over that stargazing night oh yeah the portrait 😭 THE BEIGE JUMPER 😭😭😭 u are really coming for my tears huh OH NO THE SURPRISE dont look LOOK AT IT dont look LOOK AT IT noo he painted her 😭😭fuck no

the date, its soo sweet and cute UFKC u should have written it before his death it would be more cute then tear jerker (but that was the plan huh? u cute lil shit i love you, my emotions are a mess and i love this universe soo much, i wanna exist in it, actually u write so well,it is easily able to feel like u are her, without being a personality less character)

It is just how you had imagined it. Taehyung remembered. no no no 😭😭 free him please

her outburst is truly understandable but some stuff is untrue, but again she is not in a good state of mind she is beyond pissed

wow im really sniffling

oh kook is leaving 😭😭😭 our boi grew up and is now moving out

like he is actually moving closer to us and yet it's so sad that he moves out :(

omg the dark voices calling us again, is it kook? or someone else? also why is that smell there? is one of them so upset to the point its stinking for a human like her? is it tae? another prisoner?

interesting questions indeed 👀

oh jin who was it? or do u not remember ? DID U FUCKING HURT TAE??? NO NO U DID NOT YOONGI U MOTHERFUKER *sighs *reads the list 3 times

jfadjsj

WDYM no he didnt YOONGI? U COULD HAVE SAID THIS IDK A FEW DAYS AGO??? MONTHS AGO???

lmaoao for real

“She is still alive. She begged them to turn her and so Jimin did.” LE GASP (totally didnt see everyone talking about emma, yeah never saw that) ok i knew she may or may not exist, but i didnt know she become a gluten

I'm sorry but fjadsjf "a gluten" fadsjf Emma be like 🌾

20 PEOPLE DAMN fuck they could have planned it better are we going to see her anytime soon?

mhhm god question 👀

“Be grateful. You don’t want this burden”, Yoongi says coldly, is it referring to burden as in unable to forget bad memories and bad memories/nightmares being too realistic and detailed?

I think it's a mixture of both 😭

We remember things that are important to us, the rest we forget piece by piece until we wander on empty streets and pass by unknown shadows.” hmm guess there is a price to for soo many memories, even our memories become less detailed over time, videos turning into picture like memories, forgetting their voice, favorite stuff etc

yes gosh :( I'm sad that they do :( especially my memories with my grandpa I would love to keep :(

why are we in a hurry? its ur memories right? does it do something to him? yeah hobi's right, where is our body and what is it doing?? is the smell coming from the dead people?

the smell is just London in 1800-something where sanitary systems were basically the streets and the Thames BHAHAHAH 💀 the bodies are currently passed out back in the estate 👀

“No you won’t”, Yoongi stops you FUCK OFF THIS HAPPENED CUZ U ALLOWED IT AND DIDNT SAY THIS BEFORE AND NO U DONT ALLOW HER TO TALK TO TAEHYUNG wow he really has the audacity to use tae as a leverage

YES THIS BUT THEN you rememeber that maybe he doesn't want her to see him right now because he doesn't want her to see him in a tortured beat up state and he wants to save her from that trauma and you just start crying 😭

sibi what have you done to me why am i sweating over a fiction 😭😭 why am i seeing brown filters and balls in my dreams? why are you giving me mood swings from simping too hard 😽 to crying over cuteness overload😻 and angst😿 to pissed off 😾to happy happy happy😸

ah yes my job here is done

oh no we are at his wing 😭😭😭 is jimin coming back?😭when will he come back? i only got to cry over for him for a few paragraphs and then bam im crying over his death

hahhahah I don't think that Jimin is coming back my dear 😔

the date, its soo sweet and cute UFKC u should have written it before his death it would be more cute then tear jerker (but that was the plan huh? u cute lil shit i love you, my emotions are a mess and i love this universe soo much, i wanna exist in it, actually u write so well,it is easily able to feel like u are her, without being a personality less character)

gaah that is very lovely to hear!! thank you so much heheeh 💜💜

[janelleclouds]

i think about my life and cringe

its very weird to i reread old feelings. i thought i always was going to stay in a certain state of mind. in my head i thought i was a fucking badass for saying what i felt but at the end of the day, right now it makes me feel like a fool. i didnt know where life was going to take me. i honestly never thought id lose my dad so soon. it still hurts. the third anniversary is around the corner. i graduated college two years ago. ive been in love for a year now. im happy with him. i love him to death but im also scared im going to love him to death. ofc i have my fears, who doesnt? its only natural. i just know i want his babies and when that time comes, i hope hes made me his wife and forever partner. im scared i blossomed in life too late. im 25 and in the “prime of my life” but i cant help but still feel like a teenager. i think my mental timeline has halted. i feel like im living the same week over and over again and again. i feel like the best of life has yet to visit me and i it. idk. perhaps im too content with the simple life. but i also dont wanna be in the clubs. 10000% would rather watch movies and make pancakes with my lover than be out and about . im scared ima let life with friend and other pass me by because im too focused on the love in front of me. its weird to think i have no social life but for as long as i can remember, i could not get along with any friends more than a year. every close thing to me had an expiration date. and maybe thats why my fears kick in with my person. the year marked passed and i feel like im just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. i know it shouldnt be that way but still... it feels like my next chapters are just me purposely waiting in the waiting rooms of my life. a psychological doctors office.

Dont get me wrong. im very happy but i think im scared of life. i was sheltered my whole life until i was 20. it think that has to fuck u up lol. i dont even drive yet. that shit should tell you something right there. but look at the end of the day im grateful where i stand, a very cute, in love, lovely girl who gets to go to work and have little people ( children ) say they love me and how i am. i cant really get better than that. i love that i get to kiss my partner and feel the love transfer back and forth to each other. i feel happy that i get to wake up and just be me. i feel like me. i love being me. 

[oodlyenough]

#i really dont like or care for this twist#not just bc it invalidates my feendolly fic (though perhaps thats on me for writing it before i finished 3-5)#but also like... idk felt lame.#the mental image of phoenix dragging around dahlia who doesnt want to be on these dates is so entertaining#and just like dahlia taking advantage of him any way she can#i like iris but i feel like this doesnt make her seem better than dahlia like girl u still lied to him and werent planning to tell#idk i was a bit pissed off#thats not to say i dont find feenris cute but... idk.#i was more invested with the fey family drama i wanted iris and pearl to speak to each other at the end yknow sisterhood and all

Yeah honestly same here, if I had to choose my ultimtae preference would be exactly what I thought we got in 3-1, Dahlia and Phoenix's no-good very bad relationship that he has too many blinders on to see. I found it compelling in 3-1 and I also thought it was an interesting thing to do with saviour complex Phoenix who believes in people, to have him be utterly wrong this time.

Failing that I would've rather seen the switch happen ... literally anything besides the "it was ALWAYS iris the whole time and they were in looooove" stuff we got, which I found obnoxious and also didn't really line up with the canon to that point.

And like you I was also very frustrated that the story never acknowledged what Iris did is still super fucked up, lol. Both canon and fanon treating Feenris like it was this really wholesome puppy love ship grates on me, it's objectively a very messed up thing to do to Phoenix and that version of events whitewashes all the things that make Iris a more complicated and therefore interesting character.

the 'actually he dated the nice twin all along ☺️' reveal in 3-5 was disappointing imo because, among other things, the idea that it was both of them is like, richer narratively and also much funnier. dahlia walking feenie to class through gritted teeth until he starts talking about how he got them tickets to a 3 hr poetry reading for date night and then she's texting iris like 'i'll strangle him right now i swear to god' 'ok ok i'll do it'