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janelleclouds · 1 year

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Do you ever dread the good days?

And i dont mean always. i just mean, that when the rain clears, the sky is blue again, reality is sometimes scary to go back to. I used to "want" to be the person who hated the rain because it essentially ruins the ability to go out. But the more i think about it, i was never really one to to be out. so i was essentially fooling myself for years thinking i was an extrovert when in reality my ass only wants to stay home and watch movies of my childhood. now that im an adult and feel like the rainy days are actually my best days, why am i so scared of the good days. i dont know. im not sad or anything but i do feel like i put myself into uncomfortable positions and im swerving my way out of them. i got a second job and i dont like it. because i keep complaining about the second, im starting to dislike the first. Because i already did my schooling, you'd fucking think i would get a job in my field aka oil painting and drawing. But no its hard or im looking in the wrong places. i also have to have a plethora of art to showcase........ anyways. im dreading the process maybe but im so ready for what i want ( my art to be celebrated ) to happen now! i want to be able to create my art everyday for the rest of my life and ima try by best to make it happen. but i also want it to be extremely worth it after the slow and continuous dread that i can feel building. i think its the second job that has been fucking me up and im finally brave to say i dont want it

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janelleclouds · 1 year

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another change

sometimes im truly surprised that life happens the way it does. still happy and in love. but now my career is taking off. that is a good and scary feeling. is it the career i want? well no but it is something getting me out of my shell and that in itself can be powerful and beautiful. i love that i learned/ im learning to grow the fuck up

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janelleclouds · 2 years

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i think about my life and cringe

its very weird to i reread old feelings. i thought i always was going to stay in a certain state of mind. in my head i thought i was a fucking badass for saying what i felt but at the end of the day, right now it makes me feel like a fool. i didnt know where life was going to take me. i honestly never thought id lose my dad so soon. it still hurts. the third anniversary is around the corner. i graduated college two years ago. ive been in love for a year now. im happy with him. i love him to death but im also scared im going to love him to death. ofc i have my fears, who doesnt? its only natural. i just know i want his babies and when that time comes, i hope hes made me his wife and forever partner. im scared i blossomed in life too late. im 25 and in the “prime of my life” but i cant help but still feel like a teenager. i think my mental timeline has halted. i feel like im living the same week over and over again and again. i feel like the best of life has yet to visit me and i it. idk. perhaps im too content with the simple life. but i also dont wanna be in the clubs. 10000% would rather watch movies and make pancakes with my lover than be out and about . im scared ima let life with friend and other pass me by because im too focused on the love in front of me. its weird to think i have no social life but for as long as i can remember, i could not get along with any friends more than a year. every close thing to me had an expiration date. and maybe thats why my fears kick in with my person. the year marked passed and i feel like im just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. i know it shouldnt be that way but still... it feels like my next chapters are just me purposely waiting in the waiting rooms of my life. a psychological doctors office.

Dont get me wrong. im very happy but i think im scared of life. i was sheltered my whole life until i was 20. it think that has to fuck u up lol. i dont even drive yet. that shit should tell you something right there. but look at the end of the day im grateful where i stand, a very cute, in love, lovely girl who gets to go to work and have little people ( children ) say they love me and how i am. i cant really get better than that. i love that i get to kiss my partner and feel the love transfer back and forth to each other. i feel happy that i get to wake up and just be me. i feel like me. i love being me.

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janelleclouds · 4 years

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Still untitled. still tired..

There is a vagabond hotel in my heart. bad things lie there. what i want gets to stay there for as long as they please; to tell you the truth i have no say. i give the key freely. i want it to be a happy getaway so badly that i still have the honeymoon suite available for us if you would like, but it is not. there is no more joy that occurs. only repetitive acts of lust that honestly leave me high and dry, and then lonely again. at the end of the month i am no longer handing out the keys to whoever wants parts of me. im tired of being looked upon as a break from your reality. as cliché as it sounds, i want all or nothing. so on the 30th, i want you out if you do not want me in. all of me. this goes to the ones just passing by as well, please dont ever come back. i know i have lots of baggage and it is hard to me to love but i promise, you never left my mind... but i really need to abandon ship so i can stop sinking. If by some miracle you want me to be more than a friend, dont forget to mention it on the 30th. If im still a substantial part, almost a necessity for you to be even a little happy in this shitty shiiiity life, dont forget to mention it on the 30th. parts of me want to apologize for saying goodbye but i did no wrong and even then i still care more for your feelings rather than my own. im not only abandoning you but all my so called “friends” who remind me of the past. i hope they understand and maybe one day they could finally see all the pain i put myself through just at a chance of happiness. and honestly i couldnt tell you if it was worth it or not since i keep repeating chapters in my life. as i walk past these rooms i see visions of my past lovers. ones that cared. ones that didnt. the ones that tugged the shit out of my soul and left me empty, the ones that seen my body as an object. ones who stole my innocence, and the ones who i gave my heart to and loved it but left it. i can see your faces, you all dont have just one, you have countless that you choose at will to reel me in. but also i will honorably mention the ones who are literally perfect for me and i dont want them the way i ever wanted [insert name here]. i leave you all those good and bad memories and take my strength to be a better woman. ill be honest, i ran back just for comfort and attention every time. i still only come back for one. i let myself indulge in the shallowest puddle of attention. dehydrated and content. not enough for me anymore. i want better. i need better. im so happy with myself right now that i dont want to go back into my toxic tendencies. maybe one day down the road when you realized you fucked up this entire time and realized i was the one or whatever... you see me truly and absolutely happy with someone else and perhaps a parent to a beautiful child and it get burned into your brain and you die with that memory. and if the chance you do everything in your power to win me over, you should know i want the entire world and you better give it to me. NOT ME STILL BEING HOPEFULL THOUGH.... you see why i need to let go??? let me let you go but for now i will be honest and say i am hopeful (i dont want to say very but its a solid 54%) you speak up on the 30th. SPEAK UP BITCH IM TRYNA LOVE YOU

if you see this before the 30th, most likely you know its you bc you creepily checked this blog, you fucking dick. stop playing and just message me. so take this BH lyric seriously, “Please, Be my baby. Don't mean maybe or not” (im sure you rolled your eyes at this point)

if you saw this and its already the first. IFHYYYY: Godspeed hoe, im over you lol..

probably not but im trying my darn tootin’ best!! fuck..(-:

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janelleclouds · 5 years

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Ode to faith

Do i have the faith to continue to have faith? do i have the faith to leave? do i have the faith to forget? would i even want to forget? is it possible to feel this way for another? for another to have and nurture my heart or am i programmed to always follow your scent. is it my nature to want to be with you. is that how fate should have it? i see you in everything. when i paint, i paint with the intention you might see it. with the intention that you might see yourself in the warm colors washed upon the canvas. could you feel me? do you want me? my day dreams are filled with visions of you. my dreams are made around you. my mind is made and i feel as if the universe and god made a pact to separate us and make my dreams a living hell. i know you felt the same. i felt it and you showed it that one day. you shouted my name in front of everyone we knew, then they knew. one day can make everything come true but one action can crumble everything to bits. and we both have made those mistakes in the past. but im tired of those mistakes and i want you to remain in my life and never treat me badly. protect me and my heart for it belongs to you. my dreams are only possibly vivid because of you.

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janelleclouds · 6 years

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