#like. look at that amount of trauma in the span of under a year and let's see how billie pieces together something

[novantinuum]

Steven's Breakdown Was Inevitable From the Very Beginning

I feel like the thing that fucks me up the most about Steven Q. Universe and how well conceived he is as a character is that the fundamental building blocks of why he reached his breaking point in SU: Future were laid out as clear as day in the span of legit only the first four episodes of the original show. The writing was literally always on the wall that future him would struggle with matters of self worth and identity in relationship to the others around him.

Let's take a look:

Gem Glow

"Awesome! What are these things?"

Foundational Trauma #1: Steven's home is always either under threat or actively being wrecked by antagonistic forces/beings, and he constantly copes with this by pushing down his fear in favor of a curiosity and silver linings based mindset.

Look at his initial shock when he opens the door and gets tackled by one of these things, and then his response when one of them spits acid:

The kid's freaked the hell out about all this, and while I do think there's a part of Steven that genuinely IS curious about what these lil critters are, I think he's subconsciously using that curiosity as a way to distract himself from his own fears and anxieties. This is Steven actively learning how to ignore the deeper problems in favor of emoting a facade to the others in his life that he can totally handle himself in scary situations like these.

The underlying reason why is incredibly apparent, when you look at the example from the next episode-

Laser Light Canon

"I don't know what a magic lady like her ever saw in a plain old dope like me..."

Genuinely- from the bottom of my heart- I think the above quote from Greg is a moment where his own insecurities around the Gems actually rubbed off on Steven.

At this point in time, Steven may be living with the Gems... but he hasn't started to harness any of his powers at all, so in his own head he might as well be the same as his dad- another human, just one who happens to have a gem! But the way Greg talks about himself... given Steven was living with him in the van for years before moving in to the beach house, he had to have heard negative self-talk from his dad like this before.

And then there's the rest of the Crystal Gems... always speaking of Rose with such reverence as if she were an all-powerful goddess... and Steven can't help but look back at himself, and his gem that won't work... the gem that the others still identify as Rose's...

"Your gem-! You have Rose's gem!"

And maybe he starts to wonder if- without any working powers- he's just a plain ol' dope like his Dad, too.

"Please work... Unlock! Activate! Go! Please-!! Everyone's counting on you, you can't just be useless!"

Foundational Trauma #2: Steven has Rose's gem, and as such, is constantly living under the silent expectation to live up to a standard that he simply cannot ever hope to achieve, because he doesn't KNOW her and he never will.

I want to highlight one of Steven's expressions while his dad is talking about Rose- look at that sad look. My god, I just wanna hug him. This is the expression of a child who has already come to terms with the fact that his only relationship with his mom is through the rose tinted stories that other people tell him about her.

Cheeseburger Backpack

So. Steven has learned so far that he needs to push down his feelings and emote a false veneer of cheer and bravery even when he's afraid, because the rest of the people in his life have expectations and hopes for him due to the legacy of his parentage and he can't bear the thought of letting them down. (And in a sad way, at this point "letting them down" literally just means... being an ordinary human boy. I believe Steven at this stage of the show is flat out scared to be human, because to be human is to fail at being a Gem, and no amount of love and sacrifice in the name of humanity in the seasons to come could've ever saved him from the fundamental fact that the wedge between him and this whole half of his being was already drawn long before the events of season 1 even started. But I digress.)

Let's see where we go from there. Let's check out Steven's first "mission." Or as Pearl puts it about 35 episodes later, his first "test."

"Yeah... they can't all be winners."

This episode is tinted with a little bit of tragedy for me on rewatch, because I genuinely do think the Gems handled the situation as well as they could've. They were supportive of Steven's successful ploys, and (for the most part) responded with grace when he majorly blundered and left the Goddess Statue at home. The main problem, however, is that Steven has already developed a bit of a complex about impressing the three of them-

Foundational Trauma #3: Even when they claim otherwise, Steven has convinced himself that affection from the Gems is transactional, and that when he messes up he's not truly a part of the Crystal Gems.

Of course we the audience know this isn't true- I mean, hell, Amethyst even said as much in episode one after her slip-up ("and you're fun to have around, even if your gem IS useless!")... that the Crystal Gems wouldn't be the same without him. But Steven... the poor kid is a complicated little guy living a complicated life, and whether they intended it or not, the language used they've used around him thus far has not backed up their attempts at fully embracing him, human parentage and all.

Thus, Steven just spends the entire episode wracked with anxiety trying to find creative non-power using ways to make the mission easier so he can convince them he's useful to have around.

Look how nervous he gets even when all three of them are visibly and vocally supportive of his presence here:

This is the face of a boy who feels like he's under constant judgement and scrutiny from those around him.

Blessedly, viewing this episode in isolation, he experiences a brief moment of mental respite where he finally accepts the Gems' encouragement and agrees that his ideas 'can't all be winners,' but this lesson does not stick for him moving forward. A shame, really.

Together Breakfast

"What's the matter, Steven?" "I wanted us all to have breakfast together, so I made Together Breakfast! But everyone keeps leaving..." "Oh, that's nice..."

Taken in context with what we've learned already in the last three episodes, Steven's desperation to spend quality time with the Gems here and his sadness that they keep leaving him alone doesn't just exist within a vacuum. He spends the whole morning watching them shuffle in and out of the temple, or come back from missions he wasn't invited on, and with the disastrous result of the LAST mission he went on probably fresh in his mind it's not hard to understand why this bothers him.

Foundational Trauma #4: Steven internalizes that the price of "not being useful" is that the Gems actively ignore him, meaning that the only way to guarantee their attention is to work as hard as he can to become a stronger member of the team.

I know this screenshot is usually used as a lighthearted meme, but I wanted to include it because I think it's a good example of how Steven's intense desire to impress permeates every facet of his personality at times. Just LOOK at how desperate he is to make Garnet laugh at his joke, to be the one that's at very least "fun to have around," as Amethyst put it in episode one.

The Gems do eventually drop what they're doing to spend time with Steven by the conclusion of this episode, but this only comes after Steven shows his growing strength and "proves" himself by saving their butts from the breakfast monster.

If he successfully gained their attention in literally any other way he might've come away from this episode with a different lesson, but no. Instead, his fears were proven true- the Gems value strength and utility, and if he's not exhibiting that, then what use is he to them?

These fears of his can be seen weaving throughout the foundational fabric of the entire show, but I think Steven lays out what he sees as his "stakes" in the clearest way possible in the episode 'An Indirect Kiss.'

"But- if I don't have powers, then I can't hang out with Amethyst, or Garnet, o-or Pearl, and- I-I can't go on missions!"

And these same insecurities even rear their ugly head as late as the movie.

"I can't believe this... for the first time in years, everyone's in danger, everybody needs me, and- I'm useless!"

Powers = Utility = Worth = Other's love, for Steven. Everything is transactional to the end, which is a hilarious double standard he's set for himself when he's made his reputation as the kid who always listens and encourages and gives others a chance to change, no matter their messy history with him.

__

So let's recap and restate those foundational traumas from Steven's perspective.

One: The only way to cope when your life is constantly under threat is to bury the damage and pretend to be fine.

Two: Everyone expects you to live up to the standards of someone you're not.

Three: The Gems only love you when you're of use to them.

Four: If you ever stop being useful, the Gems won't want anything more to do with you.

In sum, Steven's habit of burying his feelings for the benefit of others was there from the very beginning, not just since 'The Test.'

Those unreachable standards he felt so daunted and intimidated by all his life were the ones set by Rose, at first... but over the course of the series, the dynamic of this shifted. As Rose's influence fell into the background, Steven's rose into the front. And so it's with great irony that- by the time of Steven Universe: Future, the expectations this exhausted, worn down teenager is fighting to once again achieve are the ones HE set for himself. Many of young Steven's selfless actions during the war are quite admirable when analyzed in isolation, but almost none of them are sustainable. He set himself on fire just to save the world, but teen Steven is genuinely unable to see this for what it is yet- as a tragic sacrifice of his own childhood. You can't burn your own ends for others forever, not at all. His breakdown was simply inevitable.

When it comes to the interconnected beliefs three and four, these are exactly why the ultimate confrontation at the end of I Am My Monster HAD to be one fueled by selfless love. Steven is at his absolute lowest at this point- he's everything he fears he's become, trapped in a form that's nearly incapable of reason. He's big and angry and spiky because that's a part of the facade- because a part of him WANTS to scare the Gems away, wants to be left alone forever, believing this the fate he deserves as price for his misdeeds.

In this form, by his own definitions he is NOT useful to the Crystal Gems at all.

But they don't care.

Because it never WAS about Steven's 'usefulness' to them, they simply love him for being Steven.

With this in mind, the conclusion of Steven Universe: Future wasn't just a salve to teen Steven's immediate struggles, it was a salve to the foundational insecurities that have been plaguing him his entire life.

And hopefully... from this point on... his family's shows of love and encouragement will be enough to finally convince Steven that he's more than worth their time...

No matter what path the future leads him on, and no matter what form he takes.

[paganwitchisis]

"What Love Can Change" Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven: Date Night

Rated: E for Explicit!!

Pairing: AFAB Female Tav/Spawn Astarion

Words: 6,432

AO3 Link is here

TRIGGER WARNING -Breeding kink, violence, descriptions of trauma, sexual assault, torture, suicide attempt and mention/idealization, self harm, starvation, depression, pregnancy, hyper-sexuality, and rape.

Story:

“Good morning, beautiful.” Astarion greeted her in his usually sing-song voice, the facade he once in a while slipped on and teased her that she fought so hard for him to drop after Cazador.

“Same to you, handsome.” Tav purred as she felt his nice hard chest. “How are you feeling today?”

Astarion thought to himself a little and reflected on how he was, a bit after such an explosive awakening. He gave a warm smile, tucked an errant hair behind Tav’s ear, and kissed her fondly. “I don’t deserve you, but gods below, I am so happy you chose me. You’re my everything.” Astarion had been so vulnerable the past while that he never built the walls back up. With Tav, though, did he want to? It was true that Astarion rarely trusted when they first met, but as time went on, Tav had done something no one else could do, because in such a small amount of time compared to the span of his life, she had become the most important person to him and the only one inside his heart. It was a surreal experience after so many years being alone, but her company was relaxing and soothing. It was like having medicine after a session of pain and torture inflicted by Cazador.

While still feeling emotional, Tav held him dear and hugged him tight. Astarion reciprocated this hug, feeling at peace in her arms. Astarion buried his head into her neck as he kissed her pulse, his teeth itching to snap down. He resisted, of course, her health still too precarious. Tav comforted him lovingly, knowing fully well what his instincts craved. Tav pulled back and reminded him that they needed to eat something and possibly get partially dressed at the very least.

“I don’t know, my sweet, I really like seeing all of your natural beauty, but you’re right. We need to eat, and to answer your earlier question, I’m doing better because of you. Not one-hundred percent, mind you, but…better.” Astarion kissed her briefly before shimmying out of bed and grabbing their underwear, some comfortable clothing for under their armor, and of course, the armor itself. He filled the tub with very warm water and prepped the bath.

“I don’t think I’ve had a bath this many times in my whole life.” Tav confessed with a chuckle. “All we’ve done is made love to each other since our ceremony, so it seems like a never ending pattern of sex and clean-up.”

The couple began to lazily wash themselves that morning after getting in before Astarion took the moment to reply.

“If it helps, my dear, I do have something else in mind for later.” He smiled at her. “We’re kind of going backwards, but there is something else we haven’t done that I…regrettably, don’t have much experience with.”

Tav was curious and straddled her husband so she could look straight at him as they washed their upper bodies. “Well? You can’t leave a girl hanging!”

Astarion kissed the tip of her nose in the briefest of touches and teased. “I wanted to do this yesterday, before the change in plans. I absolutely can leave my girl hanging.”                

Tav snuck her hands forward towards an unsuspecting elf and began tickling him who surprisingly was ticklish! He swatted at her hands and squirmed in her hold with joy as the water sloshed outside the tub in their fun. Tav stopped shortly after she started, not wanting to accidentally upset the vampire and the enclosed space left something to be desired. Astarion smirked, wrapped one arm around her thin waist and pulled her against his chest tightly before taking her lips to his. After several wonderful minutes of passion and love, Astarion released her and spoke.

“I lured victims back with my body, but very seldom did I ever have a date. In fact, even if I did, I don’t recall ever finishing one. I would usually manipulate my way through it and find a way to deliver them to my… master.” Astarion said the last word like it was a curse. “So, you would be my first. Considering how old I am, that’s a tough accomplishment, and I want you to be the one.”                                                                                                                               Tav threw her hands around his shoulders in excitement, kissed his cheek, and said she would love to go, but that she needed something nice to wear. Of course, to Astarion, anything not bloody would do, but Tav wouldn’t hear of it. It was a special occasion, and she wanted to make it memorable.

“After we get dressed, unless you have plans I want to grab a couple friends and go shopping a little. I promise it isn’t code for ‘get into another mess and need bailing out by my husband’.” Tav placed her hand up as if swearing on a Goddess. Astarion couldn’t suggest she stay with him even if he wanted her to. He wanted her to have a good time and be more self sufficient, only problem was now he was the one worrying about his wife and her needs.

“Slow down one minute!” Astarion settled her. “How are you feeling? Physically?”

Tav looked a little guilty before she replied to him. “A little stiff…and really sore, to tell the truth. Mostly it’s from the sex though, I think.”

Astarion shook his head and he reminded her “Don’t think I forgot either, by the way, we need to eat after this bath, so you can go shopping if you want, but please, humor me and eat something.”

Tav rinsed off her body, chastely kissed the man and stood up, giving a wonderful view to her husband. Astarion leaned back which gave room for her to step out of the tub and dry herself off before he followed suit. They got dressed, ate, and in Astarion’s case, he feasted in the basement with the last living soul. When Astarion got back upstairs, he then figured that at some point that he may have to figure out how to dispose of the bodies. Maybe this time he would set the house on fire, or maybe he would just use the mansion as a place to store the dead prey, he wasn’t sure. Regardless, he had no plans to live there, so he figured it wouldn’t matter either way how many bodies were piled in that death trap. He decided that once Tav went out to do some shopping, he would get to work figuring out a way getting those bodies to the mansion, unseen and disposed of.

Tav strapped her weapons to herself and showed Astarion the dagger he placed in the back of her boot was still there before kissing him and excitedly leaving each other’s company and the room. Tav rounded the hallway and entered the room where her friends lived and was surprised to find that only Karlach, Scratch, Fluff the owlbear, Shadowheart’s parents, Duke Ravenguard, Volo, Withers, and Halsin were there. Where were the others? It was still fairly early so there was only a limited amount of places they could be.

Karlach saw Tav come in and armored up. She went to her friend and greeted her right away, happy to see her! When she saw her confused face she understood right away why.

“There is some kind of contest downstairs about their stew. Since we’ve been parked for the past few days, it seemed like a good distraction. Apparently, Lae’zel bet a fair amount of gold to beat Wyll and Gale.” Karlach chuckled. “I’m beyond full right now, if I had to watch them in a contest about eating? I’d barf. Apparently Gale is the favorite to win though. Something about him eating magical boots preparing him for this moment. I don’t know, I wasn’t exactly following all of that. How are you feeling?”

Tav laughed when she heard her friend’s explanation and she urged Karlach to sit down on the beds farthest away from Halsin. It wasn’t that she had an issue with the druid, on the contrary, he was a wonderful and wholesome man but Tav felt like it had been forever since she had some girl talk and wasn’t hidden away getting her brains fucked out by her accomplished husband.

Karlach sat down on one of the beds that occupied the room with the four beds in it on the other end of the room along with Tav as Tav began to speak to her.

“I am so damn sore, but other than that, I am okay. I’m not where I want to be with my strength yet but with a little more time, I’ll get there. Astarion is making sure I get my needs taken care of”

Karlach almost snorted at the last line and the other meaning it could have. “ I’m sure he has been. If he was a normal man and you weren’t pregnant by now, you would have been my friend.” Karlach laughed as it reminded her of all that had happened the last few days and everything she wanted to share with her. Tav got very excited and started to quickly give a run down of events but Karlach couldn’t make heads or tails of any of it, it was being told to her too quickly and none of it with context.

“Whoa, whoa, slow down, soldier! Slow down. One at a time. What’s up?” Karlach who had her hands up defensively released them and let them hang by her side while Tav asked. 

“Promise to never tell anyone else about what I’m going to tell you.”

Karlach chuckled “The sex can’t be THAT good!” she exclaimed.

Tav displayed a large smile before replying to that response. “You have NO idea! Two hundred years of practice, supernatural stamina and strength, plus you’ve seen him in camp without a shirt. The rest of him is just as beautiful! He knows exactly what he’s doing and how to use what he’s got. I’m sore for a damn reason and that’s after we’ve used potions to recover.”

“Damn! You two needed potions? I would have assumed after what he went through, what we all knew of his past that he would have a problem with that.” Karlach questioned while confused yet impressed

“I was worried about that myself but after we killed that fuck face of an old master, he has been coming into his own person. I asked and checked with him a lot to make sure he was okay with all the sex and he assured me he was. You wont believe the stuff he’s been teaching me! I mean, I wasn’t a virgin before sleeping with him but he takes it to a whole other level.” Tav professed. She usually wasn’t one to gossip or talk about others behind their back, especially about her husband but Astarion knew about Karlach and Tav’s relationship. He was told about her openness with her and was asked if it bothered him. Astarion told her it didn’t bother him in the least, as long as it only stayed with Karlach. Tav wondered if that was why secretly Astarion got her help that one day he panicked.

“When we get more time, you need to give me details. I mean, not his details, obviously, but of what new things he showed you. I’m curious myself what could be learned after all this time, but I have a sense you want to tell me something else. I heard something about a baby when you overwhelmed me with information. Is something wrong?” Karlach looked over her shoulder and saw Halsin was sitting on his bed on the other side of the room whittling a little duck, unaware of the conversation they were having.

“No, no. They’re ok! Astarion told me after I give birth and heal, there is a chance, a small and rare chance but a chance I can have his biological children!”

“Wait…what?! But vampires are dead? How are his…I mean….What have you two been up to?”

Tav laughed again and replied “Apparently they’re called Dhampir and they’re kind of a cross breed and not looked upon favorably in the vampire world. Even a spawn can sire them, but they are not conceived often. He warned me because of how…active we are, If we didn’t want to take the chance we would have to make changes after I gave birth, but I told him that even though they come with a lot of complications, I want to have his children. I know it may be selfish of me, especially because these beings still crave blood but Astarion said it wouldn’t be as badly as what he suffers through. They can walk in the sun and don’t have the same weaknesses yet have some perks that vampires have like senses and agility. I just want us to have a family, and is it so wrong to want to have his kids?”

Karlach hugged Tav sweetly and warmly spoke. “There is nothing wrong with that. Zariel spoke of Dhamphir once. Apparently, they are wicked good in a battle, and can live a long time. We didn’t have them in Avernus, of course, but that didn’t mean that devil didn’t have her eye on getting whatever she could steal. It sounds like a lovely plan. I really hope you can have his kid, at least one! I assume you don’t plan to stop there?”

Tav looked up at her very warm friend and honestly spoke. “Astarion said he will be the father to as many children as I want, but I’m not sure how many that is. I’m going to take things one step at a time. First I want to go shopping with you, and then, I have a date tonight!” Tav tried to continue but Karlach cut her off.

“A date! That’s wonderful and sounds so romantic! I’m kind of jealous.” Karlach laughed and allowed Tav to finish her original train of thought.

“Then we kill Gortash with you, fuck up the Absolute, and retire to some nice island where we all can start a settlement.” Tav joked. Karlach knew she was joking but it hurt her inside to hear about future plans. Karlach looked away as Tav prodded her to tell her what was wrong.

“I won’t be around for it. I’ve been having trouble with my engine. It’s…getting worse. I’m not sure I’ll make it to Gortash, let alone to seeing my best friend have her first child or…anything. Life will keep going while I just become ash.”

Tav grew worried and held her best friend. No. Tav shook her head, this could not be.

“You have to be here! You’re my son or daughter’s godmother, you know! If something happened to me and Astarion, you’re in charge!” Tav demanded.

Karlach was stunned and broke out of her wallow to look at Tav. “You mean it? You want me to be the godmother?”

“Damn right! That’s not all either. I have a surprise, but that’s for later. I promised Astarion I wouldn’t give it away! Come on. If we don’t have much time left, then let’s get to buying some frivolous shit!” Tav yanked on Karlach’s arm who smiled and followed the woman out the door and to the streets of Baldur’s Gate. As they walked, Karlach did have one question that seemed to stump her as they made their way to Facemaker Boutique, which was essentially the only decent store to find clothes, and they received discounts after saving the man from the Bhaalist murder plot.

“So I was wondering, and know I do not judge what you two do between the sheets, I just was curious, how you feel about him biting you while you both are getting it on? I mean, I know he would like it, but I can’t seem to understand what you get out of it.” Karlach innocently asked.

Tav blushed and thought how to word this before replying. “Believe it or not, the first time he fed from me, it obviously hurt at first and then felt numb. But when we have sex? It’s like it enhances the pleasure and sets my nerves on fire. It feels so good that sometimes it has made me…um…finish when he drinks from me. It’s so intimate as well. I was his ‘first thinking creature’ as he put it, he fed off because of Cazador’s rules, and aside from the bandits and such he feeds on during battle, he only eats animals or tastes my blood. It makes me happy in a way even though I feel woozy after. Of course, Astarion takes care of me under most circumstances. That day I collapsed, we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves and I just forgot to eat…well…forgot to eat food, that is.”

Karlach roared with laughter and couldn’t stop her full belly laugh and giggle until they reached their destination.

The girls spent a few hours shopping, while Astarion spent a painstaking amount of time transferring each corpse individually up the side and around prying eyes are fast as he could, yet admittedly was still slower than he pleased to stack up the bodies inside the palace. The mansion reeked of decomposing flesh and death as the corpses littered the ground in the wake of their onslaught all that time ago. What was a few more bodies to add to this? Astarion was about to leave, horrible memories making him scowl and he contemplated setting this house ablaze! His hands itched and he impulsively wanted to give it a shot, but he refrained. He needed the building as cover for the bodies. Maybe, once the issue with the brain was over, he would act on his wishes, but for the time being, he couldn’t do what he wanted…yet. One day he will erase the mansion from all memory and leave not even a physical trace of what Cazador left behind. One day, not even his memories will exist while he will, potentially his children will and will create a legacy for Astarion and that gave Astarion a cause to smirk.

Astarion got back to the Elfsong, noting his wife was still out shopping, and smiled. Any time she could live a normal life and get a chance to relax made him happy, especially since things were coming to a head fairly soon. From what Astarion could see, they essentially just needed to wrap up a few small things, take out a hag and then it was time to save the world. The team was getting antsy, knowing they were running out of time. They had to finish everything soon, so having this brief chance at normal life was appealing. Astarion returned to their private room and looked at the time, knowing they would be back soon as their date was fast approaching. Astarion relaxed and laid back on the bed, kicked his feet up and after everything they all had been going through, especially the last few days made Astarion fall asleep. If he wasn’t staying up to make love to his wife, it was urgent matters about their health and safety, things were turbulent so when a moment of calm serene peace came over him and it was quiet, he gave in.

Tav returned back to her new found home since arriving in Baldur’s Gate and went upstairs with her new clothes, parting ways with Karlach in the middle of the hall. Tav smiled and opened the door and to her surprise, found her husband asleep and curled up around her pillow. She was surprised he didn’t lock the door considering how worried he was about privacy and safety in the wake of the present situation. Tav smiled softly, placed her new items in the dresser to the right, and walked up to the elf. With most men, in Tav’s experience, sleeping came with biological reactions. This was something Tav could use to her advantage, but she knew better than to get too far into it because of their date that night. What Tav meant to get at was, even as a vampire, Astarion apparently still had erections while asleep. Of course, she knew this, considering how long they slept on the same bed roll, most days waking up in a twist of arms and legs intermingled with each other. Usually, Astarion would hold Tav, who would lay on Astarion, or use his broad chest as a pillow. It felt off if they didn’t, in all honestly, share their nights together, considering how long they had done so. Astarion usually waited for the others to fall asleep before he would sneak into her tent, or vice versa, of course, but the results were always the same.

Tav glided her hand down his tented slacks with soft fingers and traced the outline of what held up the fabric inside. Tav heard his low moan as he pushed his hips forward into her hand, his eyes still shut and a tiny amount of what looked like drool slipped out the corner of his mouth. Tav wished she could preserve this moment forever as he looked downright adorable. Tav grasped him more firmly finally after aimless touch and wisps of attention to his pressing need. Tav felt this was a safer way to wake the vampire considering all the stresses they’d been through and was pleasantly surprised when Astarion let go of the pillow, his eyes opened into slits as he groggily looked at her and he shifted to his back, his mast still straining his britches.

“My little minx. What are you up to?” Astarion coyly questioned

“I’m trying to wake my husband. I figured this…button, would do the trick.” Tav insinuated and drew closer to Astarion.

“That button started something, but unless you want to be locked in this room for the next few hours, we don’t have the time to find out what, my love.” Astarion drunk her in as he got to his feet, his hands finding purchase on her rear as he tasted her lips.

Tav pulled away first, as difficult as that was, and retreated to the dresser where she gushed about the most adorable clothing she found. Astarion smiled genuinely and dipped his hand down his pants to rearrange himself so he could get dressed without tenting his pants. Astarion was planning to wear a nice shirt, at the very least to his own date, and he wasn’t going to let a hard-on stop him getting ready. Tav licked her lips seeing him adjust himself while Astarion just shook his head and removed his shirt.

Tav began getting ready by removing her shirt and exposing her bra and then undoing the laces of her pants that held them up. Without warning, Tav felt cool arms warp around her center and his one hand dip under her underwear, pausing briefly at her pubic bone and then sought its home between her folds. His other hand fondled her breast from under the cup of it, pulling it loose from the bra. Astarion’s lips were at her ear as he spoke low for her to hear him.

“You know? That’s something we haven’t done yet. I havent made love to you as you stood.” Astarion curled his tongue down the edge of her ear, his breath tickling the small hairs on the back of her neck as he pulled his face back, his hands followed soon after.

“You tease!” Tav accused as she turned around to find him getting ready for their date as he slipped a new shirt on. The man turned to her and took the fingers he had inside her only moments ago and drew them across his tongue and he sucked them and sampled her taste on his fingers. Tav blushed and felt so very hot. Tav grabbed her clothes, and in protest, went behind the divider to get changed, which made Astarion chuckle.

“I’m sorry, you just look so cute when you’re flustered.” Astarion confessed. There was silence for a minute. and then Tav stepped out from behind the divider topless but with new pants on.

Astarion wanted to caress her breasts and looked towards the door and noted it wasn’t locked. He latched it just in case. He didn’t want an errant hamster to watch them again if they ended up with a spot of fun.

“We don’t have much time. If you want anything, you need to name it because we have to go.” Astarion didn’t even bother latching the front of the new shirt he put on together. He took it back off and placed it aside and somewhere it wouldn’t get creased. Astarion went to his wife who spoke in a hungry tone. She placed her hands on his shoulders while Astarion backed her up to a corner of the room.

“What do you want? You need to tell me.” Astarion restated as Tav tried to kiss the man but Astarion leaned away until she gave an answer.

“Gods below, touch me!” Tav begged as Astarion placed his arms on both sides of her head, boxing her in on the corner.

“Is that all you want? Just my touch?” Astarion purred into her ear, his hand dropping to focus their attention to her breasts. “What about taste? Or…” Astarion pulled back, reached for the edges of her new pants, and slid them down with her underwear. The entire time, he did not break her gaze. “I can go beyond that. We don’t have time to explore each other like I’d like to, but we can have a sample, my pet…a quickie.” Astarion could see her body’s reaction to his words and he could see how desperate she was again. Astarion was surprised with himself, to be fair. He kept telling himself they needed a break, that they needed to keep their hands to themselves and they've had sex more times this past few days than he’d had prior to becoming a vampire in total (that he could speculate, because what would be the odds?) but there was something about her, something that drew him to her that he couldn’t stop. It was like they were teenagers or new lovers exploring sexuality for the first time rather than experienced adults. Astarion was jolted out of his mind when Tav yanked her boot off, spread her leg and pleaded to be taken right then and there. Astarion removed his pants to his knees and held her free leg at the knee to give himself a larger opening as he went to kiss her. Astarion moved his fingers to her opening to check if she was ready for him first. He loved her, he would never hurt her with a dry entry like the man who raped her. Finding her dripping, Astarion smiled into their kiss before retracting his hand. As he tasted her, he thrust himself inside her without preamble and at a quickened pace. Astarion swallowed her moans and gasps as he pounded her into the wall and was amazed how more soaking wet she was becoming, one arm held her leg up by the knee while the other kneaded tender flesh and pinched her nipple without pain, sometimes reaching around to the back to play with her ass cheeks or apply a little pressure to her puckered muscle, reminding her of what they did in the past.

Tav was loving each and every second of it considering she was so sure that after everything they did together they werent going to do anything else for the rest of the night, this was a nice surprise! Astarion hastened his pace and fucked her harder and faster than before. Tav clung to his shoulders for balance and because she was going to finish soon. She pulled back to warn him but he must‘ve known already because the hand that wasn’t holding her leg up had went to the front and began to tease and play with her clit, dragging her harshly over the edge with a strangled cry that Astarion claimed and drank down as her lips were sealed to his. Astarion gave a few more shaky and fast thrusts out of rhythm when he spilled his seed in her too. The man threw his head back as his wife peppered his neck in sweet kisses as he came inside her hot space within her. Astarion swallowed hard and glanced at the time and realized they needed to get going as soon as possible. He pulled out of his wife and washed up briefly with a little water and a rag before getting dressed and suggesting his wife do the same.

“I’m surprised you’re not dragging me into a bath.” Tav commented as she kissed him yet again.

“I guess you got to go on a date with me while dripping my seed. That’s gotta suck.” Astarion joked knowing Tav had wanted something like this before. He smiled as Tav playfully pushed him back lightly and kissed him very passionately over the thought of Astarion’s juices dripping from her core deep inside. She’d much rather her husband’s sperm in her than the fucker’s who impregnated her back when she was first attacked. Tav brushed the thought away, determined to try to enjoy her last day of bliss before going back to the daily grind. Tav got ready for the date and with a snazzy new outfit she looped her arm through her husbands and followed his lead to where ever he wanted to take her.

Astarion took his wife to a restaurant off the pier but not to close and not near the Blushing Mermaid either. He may not have the option of taking her to the upper city like he would have liked to take her and where someone of her caliber and status should be, but he found the best thing he could find in the dregs of the lower city. Astarion sat down with her, their legs touching each other as Astarion rubbed his leg against hers affectionately. He watched as Tav squirmed and smirked.  

“What’s the matter my dear?” Astarion asked as the waiter, a half orc handed them some menus. The food didn’t matter to him of course considering his diet but he did order a little bit of full bodied wine and some water for them both. Tav looked at him and replied.

“Well…this just seems so��unreal! We’re actually on a date and I…just realized how inexperienced I am in this.” Tav admitted.

Now it was Astarion’s turn to be surprised. “What? You’re telling me that no one courted a gorgeous woman like you?”

Tav blushed and shook her head. ”I had flings, and I had a few short term relationships, but I never really had a date.”

Astarion leaned over the table, kissed his wife, and spoke against her lips. “Then let us both learn together.”

Tav paused her discussion for a moment to order the Rothe Ribs on the menu which made Astarion happy for the fact it had protein and she was eating.

“For a second I was worried you would tell me I had taken your virginity.” Astarion said with concern “If so, I would seriously hate for that to be your first encounter.”

Tav laughed and held his hand on the table as Astarion took a sip of the wine he was just served. Tav opted to pour some water into her glass and to leave the alcohol for her husband.

“No, no! My first time did suck but my first time wasn’t with you. You know how it goes. Two young people who have no idea how things work except to put his penis in my vagina. He fell out half a dozen times while we fucked and I never had an orgasm” Tav laughed as she recounted her god-awful experience to Astarion who looked offended for her.

“That does sound…agonizing! Please tell me you had better lovers later who actually took care of you like you deserved.”

Tav smiled and honestly admitted. “Well, that’s the thing. I had maybe three others, essentially flings after, and unfortunately they were all almost just as bad or worse. I never had orgasmic or decent sex until you, honey.”

This surprised the vampire, who felt upset for her lack of options and unfulfilling sex. It hurt him inside even worse, considering that the first two times they made love, he was using her, and yet this was the highlight of her sexual adventures. Astarion did feel better about their honeymoon at least, and it explained why Astarion had to explain everything to her and why there seemed to be so many new experiences for her. Tav could tell through the rings what was on Astarion’s mind, and she squeezed his hand.

“Hey.” Tav got Astarion’s attention. “I can see you stewing in your head again. Don’t. Yes, my sex life sucked before I met you, and the beginning of our relationship isn’t exactly fairy-tale stuff, but that isnt your fault. You did what you knew to do to survive which to me is pretty brave. It isn’t like I didn’t get anything out of it either, dear. I never knew you could come from inside instead of outside stimulation. You gave me a crash course education, if you will.” Tav laughed, considering their meeting stemmed from the crashing of the Nautiloid.

Astarion shook his head. He still felt bad, of course, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make up for lost time with this dazzling woman. Astarion was going to say something when a bowl of what looked like seafood was placed before Tav who looked concerned. Tav tried to flag the waiter down to tell them they gave her the wrong order but they ignored her. Astarion was not happy with that. No one ignores his wife.

He stood up and kissed her forehead, before walking over to the half-ogre. He tapped his shoulder, yet the man didn’t respond. Growing agitated, Astarion decided to speak up.

“Hello?”

The ogre turned around, rolled his eyes, and began to walk away. Astarion told him the order was wrong, to which the ogre replied “So?” before retreating to the kitchen where only employees may enter.

Tav would have eaten it, except thanks to the pregnancy, she had been nauseous to the offending water creatures. Tav decided to pass, so Astarion placed enough gold to cover the tab of the drinks on the table and insisted that Tav leave with him. He was going to find her a better place to eat because she damn well deserved something. He had to make sure his family was taken care of and both her and their baby needed nourishment. In the end, Astarion took her to a cafe-looking place just a little further away, and she ate a simple meal there. Nothing was fancy, but he was more concerned about her basic needs.

“I guess our date is a little unconventional.” Astarion joked. “Where were we? Ah, yes. How crazy none of the locals were for not seeing how beautiful and wonderful you were. I don’t understand how you didn’t have a line of suitors my dear, or a harem, should you wish it.”

“I was a lanky kid and I was a late bloomer with puberty. Probably didn’t help I wore baggy clothes and armor more often than not and hung out with the guys.” Tav found this memory funny. “I suppose they thought of me as one of the men.”

“Well, it was their loss and my gain. I am so blessed that I tried to kill you that day.” Astarion kissed Tav between her mouthfuls of food.  “By the way, the healer contacted me before I took care of you-know-what. Apparently, she wants to speak with us tomorrow morning. I’m not sure about what, but she assured me it isn’t anything bad.”

Tav nodded and smiled. After she ate, Astarion took her hand and walked her to the gazebo out by the beach as the sun began to set.

“I told Karlach about being our kid’s godmother by the way. She was upset. I may as well show you.“ Tav linked with Astarion and Astarion grew worried about her best friend. Astarion knew they were on borrowed time with Karlach’s heart, but why would it be so soon? It was cruel and unfair.

Tav looked up at her husband “I’m going to miss linking with you when we kill these damn things.” Tav said.

Astarion chuckled. “Same. About Karlach? Just wait till we tell Wyll he’s the Godfather. They’ll be stunned, but relax, my love. Maybe she’ll go back to Avernus. Maybe we can find a way to fix her engine. The future isn’t set yet.” Astarion reassured her before he crept up behind her and held her tight while she snuggled into his body.

“I hope you’re right, I don’t know what I’d do if she died. I don’t want to lose people close to me…”

“You won’t lose me. I love you, Mrs. Ancunin. We’re going to get a house after we save Baldur’s Gate, you’re going to have our beautiful baby and we’re going to have a great life together. I’ll ask Mystra for immortal life for you and then for all eternity we can be in each other’s arms every night and see the sun rise in the morning. We’ll also have all the time in the world for me to educate you in the joys and pleasures of sex. I’m going to make up for all the times those boys couldn’t do the right thing and make you come. I’m going to love you and love our children.” Astarion whispered in her ear, making her nethers tingle at the thought. Tav kissed Astarion again and hugged him once more. The sun had set a little bit ago and the couple began walking back to the tavern now. The streets were hardly safe at night. When they finally got back to their room, Astarion ran a hot tub for Tav who didn’t notice right away what he was up to.  Astarion had accidentally made the water too hot, scalding even, so he figured she would have to wait to get a nice bath before bed. Whatever could they do in the meantime?

[ellana-ravenwood]

“I HATE YOU !” - Batfam/Batkids x fem!reader/Batmom

Synopsis : Not everything is always made of sunshines and rainbows. Sometimes, things go wrong. Sometimes, your children lash out at you, and scream : “I hate you !” before storming off...A story about how you handle those burst of anger from each of your kids, over the span of a few years.

Please, do not repost my stories anywhere else, under any other form. Do not translate and then repost them either. Thank you.

My masterlists : @ella-ravenwood-archives​

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DICK 

"I HATE YOU !!” 

He screams, running off and closing the door behind him violently. 

BANG !!

You’re not sure that “bang” is the sound of the door slamming, or your heart breaking. 

This was the first time your child said something so hurtful to you. And it was quite a shock. You weren’t sure how to react. 

As if moved by instinct, Bruce immediately moved next to you, and put an arm around your shoulder, as if to shield you from the hurt. It was only a little bit comforting...

When he was younger, Dick struggled greatly with his anger. He had trouble managing it, and it’s only after a big fight with Bruce, and some times apart, that he truly started to understand himself, and become the man he was now. 

The reason he left with the Titans, and then later, left for Bludhaven...was his mismanaged anger. And it was also yours and Bruce’s fault. You were still new parents, you were still learning, you didn’t always have the best reactions. 

Bruce would react with anger too, which he knew now was the worst thing he could do. But to his defense (and you would always defend him), he was also just processing his trauma, and trying to navigate how to “tackle” his son’s own traumatic experience. He wasn’t sure how to act, with that kid. 

He was too strict, he expected too much, because he wanted Dick to NOT reiterate his own mistakes. He wanted his boy to feel better, to be able to be happy...something he thought he could never be again, before meeting you. 

It took a very long time for Bruce, to get out of this dark pit he buried himself in. He didn’t want Dick to take the same path. He wanted him to NOT be a second “Batman”. He wanted him to be his own man. 

Which lead to a lot of mistakes. But hey, you couldn’t be a perfect parent all the time. And let’s admit it, Dick wasn’t always easy to handle. Especially during his fits of anger, which he sometimes had when he was young, and which slowly disappeared during his teenage years (although even today, if you truly managed to make him angry, he could get quite scary...Ah, but like father like son). 

You didn’t even remember why he told you “I hate you”, it was all a blur now, years later. But you remember how you felt. 

Heartbroken, like you failed as a parent. As if you weren’t enough for that little boy, who had lost everything and was “forced” to become part of your family. 

That simple “I hate you” had triggered so many questions in yours and Bruce’s mind. How could you react ? Not like he gave you the time to, as he left the room right away. 

What was the right reaction ? What if he did truly hate you ? What could you do to salvage this relationship ? What-

You were both so lost. 

You would do many more mistakes as parents, but that day-

That day, things got resolved on their own, as Dick came back a few moments later, with an apologetic look on his face. 

It was clear he wanted to pretend nothing had happened. Yet, that child had already a lot more emotional intelligence than most, and instead of ignoring everything, he just said : 

“You know I love you, right ?” 

And that was the end of it. And a first step to understand an important, and key thing about raising a child : sometimes, they WILL lash out at you. And say they hate you. But they never truly mean it. It’s just a way of processing an overwhelming amount of negative emotions. A way to protect themselves. 

“I hate you.”, often comes from the opposite feeling. They love you so much, but they’re angry, and they think of the first thing that could hurt you and-

Dick never said it again after that. In fact, it was almost a biggest traumatic experience to him, than it was to you. Because he hated feeling this ugly things, and he hated hurting others, especially not those he loved. “I hate you”, were words he never meant towards anyone. He felt so bad, about telling them to you and Bruce, who took him in as your own child. 

But beyond that, what made him entirely stop even thinking about saying that again. Beyond that, he never said it again, even when he fought with his dad, because he knew. He never crossed that limit again, because he knew. Him most of everyone, knew. Life was so short, and what if the last thing he told you or Bruce was : “I hate you ?” 

He could never forgive himself. And for him too, this was an important step. One step closer, to controlling his anger, to understand himself, to let himself feel, and explain his feelings. 

Yes. This first “I hate you”, was an important moment for all of you. Parents, and child. A first stone set upon a building, that would grow each year. A first experience showing that not everything could be perfect, and that mistakes would be made. 

But as long as you were there for each others, and as long as you knew that no matter what, you would always love one another...You’d pull through the hardest times. 

JASON

Talking about the hardest of times. 

Jason was a good kid. He never once told you he hated you, before his death. On the contrary. The boy never shied away from expressing his feelings. 

He would outright tell you and Bruce, that he loved you. He would show you by countless kind acts towards you two, that he was the happiest he’s ever been, since you adopted him. 

Finally. Finally he felt safe and loved. Finally he had an actual family, people who cared about him...Why would he tell them that he hated them ? 

No. Never would it have come to Jason’s mind to use those words towards you. 

Oh, oh but after his death ? After his traumatic resurrection ? After he came back to Gotham City, only to find out you not only “replaced” him (his feelings towards Tim at first were...complicated), but you also never killed that hateful clown ?? 

Jason hated you. He hated you so much. 

But it was because he loved you. He always worshipped you and his dad, viewed you as those perfect beings who saved him from a life of misery. This was probably “his” first mistake...Nobody was perfect. 

But in Jason’s eyes, his mom and dad were. You and Bruce. 

And so when he came back, and neither of you avenged his death, he felt so hurt that- 

“I hate you.”

Those words, he said them a lot. In total contrast of him before the “incident”, before it all went to sh-. 

“I hope you know I hate you. So much. I wish I had never met you.” 

He wasn’t “half-assing” it, Dick would say. No. He definitely went “full ass” on you and Bruce, not hesitating for a second to express his high level of anger towards you two. 

And the worst ? Neither of you were mad at him for it, on the contrary. His words summed up years of your life. Years of you two hating yourselves for not being able to save your son, and not having the guts to go through with it concerning “The Joker”. 

You didn’t even think about defending yourselves. You understood how hurt he was. You-You deserved his anger. You deserved his hate. 

Ah, but Jason never really truly hated you. Deep down, his harsh words were born from feeling hurt and rejected. 

You two were the only persons who ever made Jason feel safe. When he came back, and saw you “moved on”, that you weren’t mourning him anymore (which wasn’t true, it might’ve appeared like that for the sake of Dick and Tim, but neither you nor Bruce could ever heal from one of your children’s death, the wound would always bleed), and that you didn’t take revenge-

He felt like it had all been fake. Like you never loved him. Like you lied to him, all those times you called him your son, or when you told him you loved him, and that he meant so much to you. 

Jason hated you, because he thought you never loved him. How ironic, right ? 

Thinking back to it, maybe you should’ve been more obvious with your feelings. Tell him since the first day you realized he came back, that you loved him, and that living without him was torture. 

That losing him was unbearable, and that you and Bruce almost broke for good (but had to be strong for the rest of the family). 

Maybe, you should’ve told him everything right away. And not let his anger fester. Not let him say more and more “I hate you”s. Maybe...

Ah, but it was easy, to look back at an event and think : “what if ?”. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t go that way. You were so shocked by Jason’s anger towards you, and thought so much you deserved it, that you didn’t immediately tell him how you truly felt. 

And it took all of you so much time, to finally talk. To finally understand each other. To finally forgive. Jason, to forgive you. You and Bruce, to forgive yourselves. 

So much wasted time...

Jason would always regret how he told you many times he hated you. Because it was never true. What he wanted to hear, in answer to those words, was : “I love you.”...He just didn’t know how to process all his emotions. 

And you would always regret that it took you so damn long to finally chase after your son, and make sure he knew you loved him. Make sure he knew he meant everything to you. 

It wasn’t a work you did alone. Thanks god for Alfred, Dick, and even Tim. 

And thanks god for Jason’s strength, for how he was able to forgive, even as he-

Yes. This would be a great source of regret for all of you. Maybe that was why, nowadays, Jason would NEVER shy away (once more) to say “I love you mom”, and why you made sure you told him, and showed him your love, every chance you got...

TIM

Even the most loving, sweetest kids, sometimes say hurtful things. 

Tim was one of those adorable children, who always wanted to help, whom you could always count on, but who would hide away his feelings too much for his own good, and would eventually break. 

“When coming from a child in whom there is generally a love-based relationship, ‘I hate you’ is a normal part of emotional and psychological development”, said a psychotherapist to you once (mental health issues were given a very important place, in the Wayne’s household...None of you ever felt ashamed of needing a little professional help at times). 

You experienced it with Dick and Jason. You knew it would eventually happen with Tim. Especially since he could be a little emotionally stunted at times. 

Tim wanted SO MUCH to help, and to save everyone, and to be there for the one he loved...he would often burry his own feelings, and pretend everything was ok. And sometimes, like a volcano, he would explose. 

Like today. But you were expecting it. 

It hadn’t been long since, unfortunately, Conner passed away. 

Conner Kent was an important person for your family. You always adored the kid (and he was the source of the very few fights you had with Clark, as you hated how he initially treated the boy). But he was probably the most important to your Tim. 

Although he never admitted it by then, you were pretty sure your son was in love with Superboy. That they weren’t only the best of friends. And you were pretty sure Conner shared his feelings...

But now, now they could never truly talk about it. 

Because Conner was gone. And he wasn’t coming back (A/N : yeah you know, comics, so we know he’ll eventually come back, but for the drama of it all, it seemed at the time that he wasn’t going to). 

It was hard for your son to process that. He became even more obsessed with his “work”, skipping school to spend all his time on his vigilante cases. 

And that day, he had skipped school once too many, and you and Bruce decided you would ground him. Forbid him, for a little while, to go out as Red Robin. And-

And that probably wasn’t your best idea. Probably wasn’t how you should’ve handled that at the time. Punishing him wasn’t the way to go, you knew that now. Oh, but it was easy, when you had the few steps back years later, to realize your mistake. On the moment though, it seemed like the only thing to do to save your son from dying out of exhaustion. 

His reaction was both expected, and unexpected. 

You knew he would snap at some point. You just didn’t expect him to snap because he was grounded...

“I HATE YOU !!” He screamed, truly angry, throwing a book across the room. 

But you knew. You knew he didn’t hate you. He was hurt, and sad, and he didn’t know how to handle all his emotions. 

He didn’t hate you, he hated himself. 

He hated himself for not being able to save his friend. To save the man he loved. To-

Tim always made it his mission, to save everyone. Especially those close to his heart. And so this, was a failure he had a hard time handling. 

It translated in that “I hate you” he threw your way. 

But you knew. You knew how he felt. 

“Well, it’s too bad, because I love you.” 

You answered, and you could see he was taken aback by this. You could see he was struggling with himself, and wasn’t sure what to say. 

“I love you, Tim. I love you so much.” 

Tears. Welling up on the corner of his eyes. And then it was another kind of volcano erupting...

All sign of anger disappeared, as he collapsed in your arms, and finally- 

Finally let himself mourn the death of his best friend, and first love. 

DAMIAN

It happened not long after your youngest boy came into your life. 

Damian had disappointed his dad. He knew it. He had killed a man, because he thought it was the only way to stop him from hurting his family. 

It came from a good intention. He wanted to stop someone from arming his loved ones. He wanted to permanently make sure that person wouldn’t come back one day, and kill his dad, his siblings, or you (he hadn’t yet came to call you “mom”, but it would come soon). 

It came from good intentions. 

He wanted to protect. And the only way he was taught how to do that, while in the League of Shadows, was to kill. Because, what was more permanent than death ? What would assure your safety, but to kill the danger ? 

But your son knew. He knew he wasn’t supposed to do that anymore. He knew his father expected him to do better. He knew...Yet he hadn’t been able to control himself. And he was feeling really bad about it. 

Of course, Bruce would forgive him. Would not give up on him. But still, Damian disappointed him. He disappointed you. Or so he thought, at least. 

He was feeling so bad about himself...And here it came.

Instead of expressing his feelings about all of that, instead of putting into words, or in drawing form for example (his go-to way to express himself), he lashed out. 

And unfortunately, you were in his way. He turned his negative feelings towards you, but you weren’t about to let him run with it. 

Damian wasn’t your first child. You had dealt with the “I hate you” phrase before, hell you even had to go through the very painful “You’re not my REAL mom” one (you can read this in that story : “You’re not my real mom”)...You more or less knew how to handle it now. 

An immediate emotional response would only make it worst. And so, as Damian yells : 

“I HATE YOU !!” at you, after you tried to talk to him about what he did (you wanted to comfort him, he took it the wrong way...which could happen with anyone), you took a deep breath. 

You stayed silent for a few seconds. And then you looked at him right in the eyes, and said : 

“No, I’m sorry. You may not speak this way to me. Let’s try to calm down first and then get to the bottom of what is going on. I can tell you are feeling very stressed, angry, overwhelmed. I can imagine a lot is going on and it’s making you feel such strong emotions inside, emotions of 'hate.' You probably feel you hate everything, all the things you need to do and all the stuff 'we' make you do. It’s hard. I know. Let’s talk about it.” 

Damian was stunned. He did not expect this response. He thought you would hate him in return, or be mad at him. 

“Hating me or using those words to express your anger is not going to help you fix how you’re feeling. It may make you feel 'good' in the moment of saying it, but not later. You will likely feel regret, feel sorry, feel bad. That doesn’t feel good. So, no saying that. But let’s talk about all the stress you feel. Let’s talk about your feelings, Damian. Please. Tell me what’s wrong, and how we can fix it."

Damian wasn’t used to this. He wasn’t. 

He had never been taught to accept failure. Nobody ever told him it was ok to not feel well. Nobody- Nobody ever expressed understanding towards him. 

He felt his throat choking up. He felt tears coming to his eyes. He felt-

He turned away from you, still use to hide those feelings. Still used to not show any sign of weakness. He turned away- But you delicately caught his chin in your hand, and turned his face back to you. 

And in your eyes...In your eyes, he could see that you wouldn’t give up on him. That you wouldn’t turn away, even as he made mistakes. That you were here for him. That you- 

That day, you received from him a hug. The very first hug he ever gave you. And of course, you answered it by wrapping him in your own arms. 

And Damian felt safe. Wanted. Loved. And he heard himself spill everything to you. He heard himself talk to you about his worries, about how he hated himself, about-

Everything. 

He told you everything. And most of all, he told you that of course, he didn’t hate you. He could never hate you.  

CASS

Cass wanted to hurt you. She was so angry, frustrated and upset, that her next few words were specifically aimed at hurting your feelings : 

“I hate you.” 

She says flatly, yet in a very definite tone. She knows what she’s doing, and she knows she’ll most likely regret it later. But right now, blinded by rage, she says those dreadful words anyway.

Unfortunately for Cass, by now, you knew that when one of your children lashed out at you in that way, they didn’t truly mean it. You and Alfred came to an analogy, for when your kids would suddenly want to hurt you with their words : 

They were like a tea kettle. 

In that way, that when the water's boiling, the kettle sings, and is too hot to handle. It takes time for the water to get back to room temperature. Right ? Well, when their water was too hot, they simply couldn’t think clearly anymore, as they entered fight or flight mode. Which is why they reflexively use the hate word, to "protect" themselves from their vulnerable feelings.

Right now, Cass’ water was way too hot, for reasons that honestly wouldn’t matter anymore in a few hours. And so she said : “I hate you.” 

Step by step. A deep breath. A small silence. And then you say : 

"No, you don’t hate me. But I know that at times we don’t see eye to eye or it feels I am in your way or that I don’t understand. You’re right, I don’t always understand, but I want to. Sometimes, I am in your way, simply because I am still raising you. It’s OK if you don’t always agree with me. My job is not for us to agree on everything but to hopefully provide you with what you need for a few more years until you’ll take care of yourself all on your own."

This seems to fuel her rage even more. How dare you be understanding, while she’s trying to hurt you ? How dare you answer her bile with kind words ? 

"I get that you’re angry but hate is not the way to label that or express that. I want us to be able to discuss our differences and even teach each other things. I also want to hear what you have to say. So, no more saying, 'I hate you’, regardless of how angry, frustrated, or stressed you feel. From now on, you will just tell me about your feelings and I will listen. Alright ?'

Not alright. At least for her, in that moment. Instead of talking, she glares at you, turn around, and leaves, slamming the door behind her, with all her might. Too angry to listen, or to talk. And you know what ? It was ok. 

It was ok, if things weren’t immediately resolved in the moment. You had learned that, over the years. It was ok, if right now, she was not willing to talk it out. To explain. To release her anger. She just needed time. And that was ok. 

And so you let her storm off, and waited. 

You didn’t have to wait for very long. A few hours later, she came back to you. Looking ashamed, and sad. 

Ah, but you made sure she had nothing to feel ashamed off. It was ok to be angry, it was ok to not know how to handle one’s own emotions. It was a good learning process, wasn’t it ? 

“Sorry.”

She told you, and what else was there to do, but to take her into your arms ? 

DUKE

“I hate you..”

Duke whispers, and although you know he doesn’t mean it, your heart still squeeze in that very uncomfortable way...

But you understood. You understood. 

You and Bruce just signed official papers to make him your son, as his parents weren’t getting any better, and it was clearer and clearer they would never heal from what the Joker did to them. 

But Duke still had hope. He still thought they could be saved. And he held onto that hope, even as he slowly settled in his life at Wayne Manor. Even as, despite himself, he slowly started to see you and Bruce as his second parents. 

And here you were, sighing adoption papers, making it official that his parents would never be the same ever again. 

To him, you were representing his shattered hopes. He had truly lost his parents...

Of course, he would “hate” you in that moment. Of course. But by then, you were used to your children not being well, and lashing out their negative feelings at you. So you start by saying : 

"There is a lot going in your life and I can understand how sometimes you just want nothing to do with any of it, and that-”

“DON’T ACT AS IF YOU UNDERSTAND !” 

He does not let you finish, and his whispers turn into screams. He feels so angry, so lost, so desperate. His last hope of having his parents again is gone, and you’re trying to comfort him ?? 

Proof that, even after decades of being a parent, you don’t always have the right words, or you don’t always do the right thing to soothe your child. 

You take a step back, a deep breath, and-

You don’t say anything. This wasn’t the “I hate you” screamed because you told him “no” about something. This was the “I hate you” born from utter desperation and sadness. He still didn’t mean it. But he needed to say it. 

So you let him. 

You feel Bruce’s hand on your back, as per usual, your husband is always near for you. You’re stronger, together. He’s your rock, you’re his pillar. 

Together, you can face this. You can go through it because you know you have support. You know he’s going to be there for you, and you for him. It makes things so much easier, to know there’s at least one constant in your life...

You don’t say anything, and you let Duke tell you a few more times that he hates you. You let him leave the court, and run off on his own. You’re worried, of course, but you know-

You know he needs the time alone. You know he needs to process things, alone. You know he’ll come back to you, once he’ll feel ready. 

And so for now, you and Bruce wait. His arms around you, yours holding him. Comforting each other with your mere presence. His fingers massaging your scalp, your hands running soothing circles on his back. 

You’re not alone for this. You’re parents, together. And you’ll figure that out, together. Worst things come to worst...There’s always Alfred, to run to for advices, right ? 

But you got this. You got it. 

And Duke does too. Right now, he needs to be angry. But he’ll come around. And he’ll realize that truly...He’s not actually alone in this. 

_________________________________________________

A short bonus story, as I only managed to write this today (feeling a bit under the weather). I hope you liked it nonetheless ! As per usual, comments/reblogs always greatly appreciated, motivating, and welcomed <3. Thank you in advance, and see you soon with a longer, more fleshed out story.  

[dontcallmecarrie]

Replying to the commenters of this post [heads up for angst]:

To @kine-iende, who said:​

hot damn. if "our" justin was a mom-friend in their home-universe, here people would start questioning if justin was in secret a very motherly scrull or something (and be fine with it ^^). but yeah, love the trope too. was it "for the want of a nail" or "through a mirrorm darkly"? well, contrast and a what could have been would be lovely. feel enabled, whenever you want to write this :)

.

I am not very familiar with the concept of Skrulls [...iirc, that’s something introduced in Captain Marvel, which I have yet to get around to], but yeah, that tracks. Assuming it’s a thing they know to look for, though, because here Justin’s being themself is the biggest and most obvious way to establish that they are not canon!Justin.

Sure, they’re identical physically, but the moment either Justin opens his mouth, the jig’s up. 

As is, not five minutes into this strange hellscape where their oldest rival looked at them with no small amount of disdain in his eyes at first, Justin had already managed to charm their way out of holding and into a very relaxed “we’ll keep an eye on him” Avengers custody. 

Well, on paper at least— in reality, most of the team doesn’t really give a damn one way or another, whereas Tony starts out morbidly curious as to just how different NHDD!Justin is to the one he’s used to dealing with, and ends up getting a concentrated dose of All The Feels™ because the moment NHDD!Justin realized this Tony had a metric buttload of undiagnosed-and-constantly-belittled mental health issues and a support system that was equal parts duct tape and caffeine, he went “oh, so this universe is the Hell Timeline, okay, makes sense :) :) :) dammit Ivan you’d better fix this stat”. 

In retrospect, Justin’s not sure when exactly the horror show started; if it was the absolute lack of concern or care the Avengers had for their Tony, or the minute they noticed the gauntness in his face. Maybe the tension between Iron Man and Captain America, or the obvious bravado this Tony used– and the fact that none of the others so much as noticed.

All Justin knows is, a version of someone they care about is hurting, hurting badly and has been for a long time now, and that’s more than enough for them to go “oh, okay, mine now”.

.

For his part, Tony has no idea what the hell’s going on. The non-annoying Justin Hammer who crash-landed an Avengers debrief is...something else, and he’s torn between shock, pleasant surprise, and no small amount of existential angst and jealousy because in the span of a few hours, Tony’s had a brief taste of what some other version of him had for a lifetime, and...

Tony’s not sure how he feels about it. He’s a genius, he can wrap his head around string theory and all that good stuff, but numbers are one thing, having to live with the fact that somewhere out there, a version of him grew up with someone so unfailingly kind and supportive and—Tony can’t think of a better word for it than nurturing— and, in the span of seconds, had been able to call him out on his bullshit and seemed to instinctively push him to be better but not in the demanding way his father or the rest of the world had—

If he thinks about it too long, it makes him want to cry, just a little. Somewhere out there was a Tony who’d been enough for someone, who had never been asked to change himself, who’d been pushed up instead of repeatedly torn down and he didn’t know how to deal. 

He’d thought having a non-annoying Justin around would be funny.

This was not, it was goddamn distressing is what it was, because Tony hadn’t even known it was a possibility but now he is acutely aware of the fact that he got stuck with his Justin— the human embodiment of one of those yappy dogs who nipped at people’s heels thinking they were so tough, despite not being able to back it up.

This Justin was, uh, not that. Tony wasn’t sure if he was always like this, or if it was only with him because he shared a face with someone Justin cared about, but... was he always this much of a mom friend? And where’d that granola bar even come from, anyway? Not that he minded, it was a nice change of pace, but really?

...Tony was really going to miss him, once they figured out a way to send him back home.

.

To the commenter who said:

Stephanie isn’t a canon character, is she? Because if not, NHDD!Justin might be able to pull off a “the birth of my little sister awakened my previously deeply buried parental instincts” to explain his whole… [gestures uselessly].

.

Technically, she could be, in that Justin Hammer has a sister and nephew in canon [according to the wiki and a deleted scene, apparently]. I chose to make her a younger sibling in NHDD, to really emphasize the ‘reincarnated with shitty memory’ aspect of this AU. Specifically, while it’s never specified, Justin’s past life was...not great, and part of it was the fact that their younger sibling was sick. 

With what, they don’t remember anymore, but sick enough that they know health isn’t something to take for granted; sick enough that towards the end, they remember their parents had to choose between paying hospital bills and electricity, remember going to bed hungry because meds were expensive and their next paycheck wasn’t until Friday.

...suffice it is to say, there’s a reason Justin’s so protective of those he cares about, even if his memories faded a bit on the specifics as time went by.

To be fair, canon!Justin also cares for his sister and nephew; it’s just that NHDD!Justin acted more like a third parent than a sibling, once Stephanie was born. 

Bear in mind that canon!Justin’s situation is very different than NHDD!Justin’s, because canon!Justin was basically set up to fail from the start as a normal kid who was constantly compared to a child prodigy two years younger than him and terrible parents. While NHDD!Justin’s situation is similar on the surface, the difference is they’re literally a reincarnated OC, with all the baggage that entails.

Maybe, if their second life hadn’t been surrounded by adults with A+ Parenting Skills, 0/10 Do Not Recommend, their issues and traumas from last time wouldn’t have been exacerbated. If they’d been born to a regular family, Justin would’ve been a good kid but nothing special, and their memories of a past life would’ve faded away by the time they hit puberty.

But instead, they were born to the Hammer family, and proceeded to be put through the wringer. 

Which is bad enough, and meant they immediately started leaning hard on everything from their past life because these people wouldn’t know good parenting if it bit them on the nose, but...then Justin’s little sister was born, which immediately kick-started every older sibling instinct they’d ever had because last time they’d been responsible for their younger sibling’s health and safety and you can probably see where this is going. 

aka yes, some of Justin’s behaviors could arguably be called trauma responses and/or coping mechanisms and it’s something I only realized as I was writing this, and no, this AU was not supposed to be this messed up

Justin’s responsibility, their willingness to deal with shitty parents and do tremendous amounts of emotional labor if it helped anyone they took under their wing? That’s no accident, that’s what happens when a soul has to be the adult, has to step up because nobody else is going to. There’s a reason Justin has so much disdain for Hank Pym and Howard Stark’s immaturity, why they have so little patience for their parents as time goes on; their mental age means the older they get, the more they’re looking at the adults around them and judging them hard.

...ahem. Sorry for getting a bit off-topic, but hey, at least now you know a bit more about what’s going on inside Justin’s head!

And yeah, if he had to bs an explanation for why he’s such a mom friend, Justin’d be more than happy to point to his little sister as an excuse. So long as they know she exists, anyway; if not, he’ll just laugh it off and try to chalk it up to one of the differences between their universes.

.

edit to remove the stuff that got through my nonexistent brain-to-mouth filter because I was averaging a not-optimal amount of sleep as I got used to my new job

[quillandink333]

Scarlet Carnations ~ Part VI

BotW Link X Zelda ~ Detective AU

Rating: T

Word Count: 2.4k

WARNINGS: death, murder, loss, trauma, blood and gore, terrorism, organized crime, self-harm

Summary: Inspector Zelda Hyrule, assisted by the faithful Constable Link Fyori, is infamous for cracking the most confounding of cases in a town dominated by crime. Her latest assignment is to solve the murder of her own godmother, Impa Sheikah, the late CEO of Sheikah Tech. Incorporated, while staying under the radar of the dreaded Yiga organization.

Part I • Part II • Part III • Part IV • Part V • Part VI • Part VII • Epilogue • Masterlist

By the time I was finally let into the crime scene the day after making my little forensic discovery, the sun had already come down to kiss the horizon. It had taken a great deal of stubborn persistence, but in the end, I had managed to convince the chief detective to grant me access by proving the effectiveness of my method.

As for the name of this method, I had decided to dub the chemical “luminol” due to its distinguishing chemiluminescence, as well as for the sake of succinctness.

Though the chief himself had taken to this well enough, there was yet another hurdle that I’d had to overcome. The estate’s residents. That process had been a bit more difficult, and delicate. At first, my adoptive family were, naturally, apprehensive to let me do as I wished. But when I gave them my solemn apologies and told them that this might allow me to make up for all I had done to hurt them, their trust in me seemed to have been somewhat restored. And I had no intention of letting them down again.

I had to admit, though, that being here on my own was more than a little bit strange. I’d done each one of my investigations side-by-side with my partner ever since I’d freed him from the psych ward and gotten him in with the force a year ago. Every time he wasn’t there to lend me his insights or hold onto something for me or put a hand on my shoulder if ever I got myself overly worked up was like the pang of being slapped across the face. But each of those times, I would straighten up and remind myself, “I’m doing this for him.”

According to Link, he’d found the key near the foot of the fireplace. And so that would be the first place I’d search.

But before I could begin, the parlour was bathed in harsh, orange light.

The officer charged with supervising me had his finger on the light switch. “Ah, actually, could you keep those off for me?” The man gave me an estranged look, but granted my request all the same. “Oh, and close the blinds for me while you’re at it, will you? Ta!”

Now that the room was dim, I’d more effectively simulated the conditions of my apartment that night.

With no further ado, I made my way toward the mantel. Its polished, stone surface couldn’t possibly have the ability to conceal any amount of blood, one might have thought. In which case, one would have been wrong. And my new formula was going to prove just that.

All it took were a couple of spritzes to cover the entire width of the mantelpiece. I waited. Then after a few seconds, the luminol set in, and I had my results.

On either end of the shelf, there was a statuette. These frog-like figures stood guard here as guardian deities to the Sheikah family, or so I’d been told as a seven-year-old. But now, the truth would be revealed to me that what they protected was not the family but a secret. And on the night of the murder, evidently, they’d failed to do even that much.

On the right-hand figurine’s forehead, there had appeared an array of fluorescent blue spots. They were shaped and positioned like fingerprints—a thumb, index, and middle, gripping the creature by its painted skull—but unlike fingerprints, they were completely filled in. I recalled dusting these statuettes for prints on the second or third day of official inspections, and I’d found nothing. The person who these bloody prints belonged to must have been wearing gloves at the time. The same method they’d used to leave no prints on Link’s revolver.

With caution, I aligned my fingers with the prints and gave the figurine an experimental wiggle. To my surprise, it wasn’t fixed to the mantel as I’d thought, but rather hinged to it. It tilted back, and underneath its feet, a small, round keyhole glowed orange in wait.

This was it. I took the unassumingly sized key from my pocket and dropped it into the hole, whereupon both key and keyhole went from orange to brilliant sky blue. A perfect fit.

I couldn’t believe my eyes with what occurred next.

When the key fell in place, the mantel itself split down the middle. Then the two halves began to shift independently away from one and other. As this was happening, the inner wall of the chimney had broken apart into individual rows of stone brick, which then swung backward into the wall.

The two halves of the mantelpiece, having scraped along all the way to either end of the fireplace, collapsed and folded down against its outer legs with a decisive klock. All of this had transpired in the span of just ten seconds.

Behind what had once existed in my mind as a solid, stone-brick wall, there was now a small, cylindrical hollow, just big enough for one or two people to stand inside. The floor of the hollow, beyond the hearth, bore the symbol of the Sheikahs and glowed with the same blue hue that had the key upon being returned to its home. I looked down and noticed the key in question on the floor, having fallen out when its side of the mantel had lain itself vertically.

When the mechanisms in the mantelpiece began stirring to life again, I realized I was on a time limit. With haste, I retrieved the key, placed it in one of my coat pockets, and entered the tiny room.

For several moments, nothing happened, save for the wall of the fireplace closing back up behind me. During these moments, I wondered, what purpose could this room possibly serve? There were no shelves or drawers or racks that one could use to hang one’s clothes on, and it was far too small to be used as storage.

Then all of a sudden, the floor began to lower, all by itself.

The farther and farther I descended into the depths of the unknown, the harder my heart pounded. Just how deep did this elevator go?

And for that matter, how in the world was it even going? The ceiling above me remained where it was, so pulleys were out of the question—and there were no gears or anything moving the floor downwards, from what I could tell.

My confusion turned to shock when the platform I was on defied gravity itself as it entered the chamber that seemed to be its destination.

“What in the blazes...?” I breathed aloud. I had half a mind to suspect that what I’d just witnessed was the result of paranormal influences. Of course, the Sheikah crest beneath my feet told me there had to be a scientific explanation as to how these endless technological mysteries operated. Auntie Purah was sure to know. Though, come to think of it, had she even been aware of the existence of this secret passage?

I now found myself at the start of some kind of corridor. The sound of my heels touching the floor as I stepped down from the levitating platform echoed in the darkness. The only sources of light came from the pulsing, blue runes lining the baseboards of the cold, polished walls, the similarly pulsing Sheikah insignia adorning the archway that marked the start of the hallway ahead, and the mounted sconces that, rather than fire, contained lightbulbs of the same blue that emitted no heat.

As enthrallingly curious as all this was, none of it was relevant. Right now, I was retracing what were likely the steps of the true killer. All I had was to keep moving forward.

But doing so was going to be far easier said than done. Not only was this place exceedingly dark, so much so that I could only just make out the edges of each wall, but it seemed to go on forever. The twists, turns, ups, and downs were so frequent that after five minutes, I hadn’t the slightest idea which way I was facing. The one bright side to it all was that there was only ever a single path forward to choose from.

But to make things worse, there were traps set up along the complete length of the labyrinth. Things like cameras, pressure plates, and even lasers, all of which were inventions that I and the general public were already familiar with, unlike that impossible “elevator” that I had discovered. One thing was for certain: whoever had carried the corpse of their victim through here had to have known their way around this place. For I was barely even able to get by without unwittingly tripping the alarm.

By the time I was finally nearing the end of my journey, and thoroughly drenched in an anxious sweat, I spotted something lying on the ground where a few stray rays of moonlight were seeping in from the outside.

Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be a letter of sorts. It wasn’t until I examined the back of the envelope that I realized this wasn’t just any letter. It was addressed to none other than Impa Sheikah, and it bore no return address. Not only that, but it was stained with splotches of what appeared to be blood.

The sheets of parchment inside were old and yellowing, and the envelope had what looked to be the remnants of a broken wax seal on the flap. The letter itself was handwritten in the same elegant cursive in which the address had been written, with some kind of nib pen and ink. Aside from murder, whoever had sent this must have had a deep affinity for the old-fashioned.

“My dear friend,” it began.

“It is with great sadness in my heart that I am writing to you. The last time we spoke was far too long ago, but even so, I am afraid this will be one of the last times you shall ever hear from me. You see, I have held off on this for as long as possible, but you have forced my hand. I can no longer allow you to meddle in my affairs as you have been.

“I am certain that you are aware of this by now, but I have been keeping watch over you from the ashes of the afterlife for a number of years. I must say, you have done a fine job of raising my darling Zelda in my stead. She has grown into a fine, young lady thanks to your efforts. Though I admit, I do wonder if she has what it takes to ‘solve the mystery’ of which she has been so steadfast in her pursuit ever since my unfortunate, yet necessary, departure.

“The night grows late, and I find myself carrying on. This letter has strayed far from its original purpose. Allow me to get straight to the heart of the matter. Meet me in the secret garden on the twenty-first before daybreak. Surely I need not tell you what would happen if you were to decline this simple request of mine. You were once my nearest and dearest friend, after all, and to allow malice to fester between friends such as we would be a tragedy, to say the least.

“Please deliver my deepest and most heartfelt affections to the rest of the family.

“Yours faithfully, Hilda”

By the time my eyes had dragged themselves along the sweeping lines of the signature, by hands had started to shake so severely that I nearly couldn’t read what was written there. In fact, not just my hands, but my entire being was trembling out of control. I fell to my knees, the sheets of paper scattering in every direction.

Now I knew the reason why this writing had seemed so familiar. I’d used the very same to confirm the nonexistence of the tooth fairy at age five by writing “her” a note and analyzing “her” reply the next day.

My mother was alive. Not only that, but...

I rose to my feet so quickly, my head started pounding. But I paid no heed to it. All I could think in that moment was how impossible it was.

At the end of this long hallway, there was a small set of stairs leading up to a trapdoor, carved from the same stone-like material that made up the walls of the labyrinth. It was incredibly heavy, but it wasn’t locked. With a bit of effort, I managed to heave it open.

The scene into which I would then emerge would change my life forever.

I found myself in the middle of a section of the estate’s gardens that I had never seen before. Behind me was the garden wall that I was familiar with, but rather than the rest of it being properly walled off, it was lined with dwarf evergreens. Beyond those, however, the thicket of the woods seemed all but impassable.

At the centre of it all, there was a place where the flowers were trampled and wilting. From afar, these flowers appeared a deep red hue. But up close, they were white. Something else had turned them red.

Then it dawned on me—these were carnations. I looked around. The secret garden was fit to burst with carnations.

“I observe the world as I hide in a cage. In my youth, I am weak, but I gain strength with age. I both give life and take it away. When one tries to pluck me, I make them my prey. What am I?”

“A carnation.”

It was all flooding back to me. My mother’s fondness for the species, how she had been born on the streets, the great fire that had devoured City Hall, the uprising of the Yiga...

Everything I had been led to believe was a lie.

The head of the organization was my mother. And Auntie Impa had known it all along.

When I looked up toward the starless sky, it felt as though I were plummeting head first into its insatiable, black abyss. My lungs seized up, and I couldn’t breathe. My very soul, being pulled in two opposite directions, was doomed to be torn apart.

Then the clouds parted, and behind a veil of shadow, the full moon was revealed.

The phantom of a hand belonging to the boy I called Link came to rest upon my shoulder. It was soft and nostalgic, in tandem with the frail light of the moon. I felt my chest brimming over with a courage most profound. At that moment, I harboured not even a wisp of fear for whatever it was that lay ahead of me.

[maxwell-grant]

What would a spider man: life story look like for the shadow?

Now that I've actually read Spider-Man: Life Story I can give this one a response. I'm gonna obsess about this question for a while because man what a ride Life Story was.

To those not in the know, the premise of Spider-Man: Life Story is: "In 1962, in AMAZING FANTASY #15, 15-year-old Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and became the Amazing Spider-Man! Fifty-seven years have passed in the real world since that event — so what would have happened if the same amount of time passed for Peter as well?" and basically it tells the story of Spider-Man as one continuous narrative spanning 57 years, from his beginnings to a potential future, allowing Peter Parker and his cast and world to age in real time and factor in elements from the character's major stories over the decades.

And it's got a lot into it that the premise doesn't convey and there is no way I can even begin tackling a project like this for the 90 goddamn years of The Shadow's history without seriously just writing an entirely different fanfic continuity (and I already have 5, plus multiverses, possibly more) and tipping off way too much about my own plans for the character. Even I have my limits.

So instead, what I'm gonna do is go over the broad strokes of The Shadow's history as it would look like if you could try and condense it all under a consistent narrative, if you could focus on each decade's highs and lows, what kind of story would arise if a deranged Shadow maniac like me were to try and build a basic skeleton for a The Shadow: Life Story story.

Basic rules first: I'm sticking to the idea of Life Story and spanning every decade from the beginning of the character's life to the end of it. The aging and death parts are important so I’m sticking to those. The character's canonical birth date is 1892, so he's not making it intact to the 2000s. We're capping this off in the 90s, although it doesn't mean no further stories can be told. I will avoid mentioning specific historical events like Vietnam and 9/11 for this post to instead focus on The Shadow's trajectory. I will also not be including other characters, only somewhat referencing whatever aspects I deem relevant. I'm not sticking to any continuity, I'm pulling literally everything I can for this one

And putting this one below the cut

The 1930s: The golden years. In 1930, after a long line of life experiences in the Great War and traveling around the world under dozens of names, the man formerly known as Kent Allard has taken to fighting crime in the Great Depression. This chapter would be more of a standard narrative showcasing the trajectory of The Shadow's 30s career, how he's started off as a urban myth fighting gangsters and then progressed to urban avenger with dozens of allies fighting spies and supervillains. Despite being in his home element, he is restless. Another war is on the horizon. We gotta know where he starts, to get a clue of where he's going.

The 1940s: Despite it being the "family friendly American hero" Shadow era, shit gets very, very chaotic in the 40s, way more so than The Shadow could have anticipated. The pulps were relatively tame for this period, by this point instead you have the radio with it's constantly rotating writers and sensibilities, and comics that had far less reservations about either being really boring or really wacky. Far more encounters with the supernatural than before and with supervillains like Devil Kyoti and Monstradamus and Solaris, plus Khan is still around. The Shadow is forced to spend a lot more time traveling the world to deal with the war, spending a prolonged period establishing headquarters in Japan to aid Japanese underground organizations opposing the military. The agents perform rescue missions on concentration camps, and this is the period where you could have the "real" Lamont Cranston start filling in for The Shadow a bit while he's overseas.

There's a particular blurb that got released during this period that explains The Shadow acquired the power to cloud men's minds not by training, but by journeying to Tibet in an unrecorded adventure that forced him to beg the monks to grant him assistance in saving the world. I have some very mixed feelings on this whole backstory but I think there's something to this idea. Some shit went down in the 40s that was way beyond what The Shadow could have anticipated, and to protect the world from it he had to tap into forces that perhaps should have been left untouched.

The 1950s: The Shadow has dissappeared from America alltogether. He gathered up his agents and announced he wouldn't return for at least a decade, and left them with enough money to last a lifetime and retire should they feel like it. Burbank and Cliff Marsland dissappeared with him, and this chapter would probably be told from the Agents's perspective as they face the 50s while we get snippets from Marsland on what The Shadow's been up to. Some of it involves The Shadow helping protect Tibet after Mao's takeover of China. The real Lamont Cranston doesn't put on the costume anymore and instead operates as a fairly regular detective, although he's training on the skills and powers he's picked up overseas. Whatever fantasy madness haunted the 1940s is all but gone.

The 50s had basically nothing in Shadow content other than the last legs of the radio show, which are 200 episodes from 1950 to 1954 that currently don't exist anymore outside of a few scripts. During this time, The Shadow's sole appearence in US content was a parody in MAD Magazine. Overseas however, there were original Shadow novels published in Norway (a story for another day), as well as a Mexican radio and film series, which also featured Cliff Marsland. I have little information on either.

The 1960s: The OG Shadow is still embroiled in conflicts overseas, but the rise of the criminal organization CYPHER forces him to mobilize Burbank and agents old and new alike to deflect CYPHER away from where he's at, although most of them have retired by now. He still cannot return, but he has been secretly instructing Lamont Cranston on furthering along his own latent abilities if he intends to take over in his stead, and Cranston's powers have grown and developed to a point that, although he is pushing 60, he is able to do things even the original Shadow could not. He also invests a lot in merchandising and costume changes, which...doesn't pan out. Nothing in this era really pans out. It's just a really, really frustrating period of bad luck and supervillains that the aging superpowered detective Cranston is able to stop. Lamont Cranston seems to die in this decade.

The 1970s: Inspired by The Shadow's DC series, and most importantly Michael Kaluta's spiffy redesign.

The original Shadow returns to a crime-torn America, intent on starting anew, and sets to rebuilding his network. But something is off about him. He's leaner, meaner, less compassionate and trusting. Just as what happened the first time he returned to America following years abroad, what happened in his sojourns overseas has fostered something inhuman in him, another sacrifice of his own identity for the sake of a world where the weed of crime has only proven more insidiuous. His powers have grown and so have his resources, but despite that, he's bordering on 80 years old by now, and cumulative trauma deep within his bones hampers his effectiveness. He's doing a lot better than he should, by any rights, but he can't keep this up and he knows it. And so, as before, he starts planning for it.

The 1980s: This was the decade where Walter Gibson died with his final Shadow story incomplete, all the movie plans from the 70s were canned, and Howard Chaykin happened, plus the other DC runs. It's the SHIT decade, basically, where everything goes to hell. Whatever plans The Shadow had blew up, dipshit copycats start ruining everything, his network crumbles, and this is probably the ideal decade to kill off Kent Allard.

But this is also the decade where something weird started happening outside of the story: The Ghost of Gay Street hauntings, where visitors on the hotel Gibson wrote the stories in repeteadly claimed to see a ghostly visitor looking exactly like Lamont Cranston, and Gibson himself claimed that to be a tulpa he created by accident.

Kent Allard may have died. But death can never claim The Shadow.

The 1990s-onwards: Somehow, The Shadow is still active. Still elderly, in a much more limited fashion, but still as sharp as ever if not more so. His powers have grown more so than ever before, even blossoming into a limited form of telekinesis. Is he a ghost? Did he somehow survive the events of the previous decade? Somehow, both Lamont Cranston and The Shadow linger on, but is it Kent Allard or Lamont Cranston? Is it someone else?

Who knows?

This is the decade in particular where he's going to be interacting with more prominently with a new generation, whether it's descendants of the original agents, or new heroes that have found themselves in his orbit. Inspired mainly by the Dark Horse Shadow comics, Ghost and The Shadow, and Peter Straub's Mystery and modern takes on the character like Batman x Shadow and the 2017 mini that play up the miserable immortal and ghost teacher aspects, also inspired by my recent realization that The Shadow's ideal future in-universe may be getting to age and mentor the next generation in some capacity.

Anything beyond that, only The Shadow Knows.

[kk095]

Anything But Routine

*here's my latest story! There may be some typos here and there, but I hope you guys like it!*

Every year, thousands of Americans have cholecystectomies performed on them in order to treat symptomatic gallstones, gallbladder infections, and other associated conditions. The surgery is performed laparoscopically- a minimally invasive procedure where a few small incisions are made in the abdomen so cameras and other pieces of equipment can be used to perform surgery without having to open the patient’s entire abdomen. This form of gallbladder removal reduces the patient’s risk of infection and speeds up recovery time, with some patients even being released from the hospital the same day of the surgery.

Laparoscopic cholecystectomies are proven to be quite successful and are relatively easy procedures for most general surgeons, but they of course present potential complications. Infections, surgical error, abscesses within the abdomen, blood clots, and adverse anesthesia reactions have all been documented as potential complications. Cholecystectomy complications very rarely result in death, with mortality rates as low as 0.15%. Despite these low mortality rates, deaths still occur- one of which occurred at our hospital recently.

The patient was Bailey Moore- a previously healthy 23 year old who was of average height and slim build, and a fair-skinned, natural readhead with greenish eyes. Bailey had complained of upper right quadrant cramping, nausea, and a dull pain in the upper right quadrant after meals. Her symptoms persisted over the coming days, so she sought treatment at our ER. The emergency department performed an abdominal ultrasound and discovered a 2.1cm gallstone, along with several smaller gallstones around 0.4cm in size. With a diagnosis rendered by emergency physicians, Bailey was referred to our surgical department for further consultation and treatment.

The surgical team confirmed the ER's diagnosis of gallstones, and felt that a laparoscopic cholecystectomy was the best course of treatment. In preparation for the surgery, a few blood tests were ordered (CBC, BMP, Tox screen), an abdominal CT scan was performed, and she was given pain medications to temporarily alleviate her symptoms.

The following morning, Bailey was prepped for surgery and sent up to the OR. After being anesthetized, the surgical team intubated the young redhead with a 7.0 ET tube, securing the tube with a blue tube holder, and attaching the tube to a ventilator. The surgery began with 4 small incisions being made in her abdomen- 1 by the belly button, 1 in the right lower flank, 1 in the epigastric area, and 1 in the upper right quadrant above the gallbladder's actual position. The cut by the belly button and the incision in the epigastric area are camera insertion sites, while the incision in the right flank is for drainage (blood, pus, bile, etc). Lastly, the incision in the RUQ above the gallbladder is intended for the equipment used to remove it. After the incisions were made, the equipment and cameras were inserted into their correct locations. Once everything was in place, the procedure continued.

First, the gallbladder was located after the cameras were adjusted slightly. With the gallbladder located, the next step is to clip the celiac artery. The reason for this is to limit blood loss upon removal of the gallbladder. Since the gallbladder doesn’t have 1 major vein responsible for drainage, this is the only vessel clipped during the procedure. Following the celiac artery being clipped, the cystic duct was located and subsequently clipped. The reason for this is to prevent bile leakage into the abdomen upon removal of the gallbladder. Bile leakage into the abdominal cavity can cause complications such as infections (particularly peritonitis), or abscesses within the URQ. After the celiac artery and cystic duct were clipped, the next step was to ligate both structures. The ligature took several minutes each to ensure that there wasn’t blood or bile leakage. Following that step, a bag was placed over the gallbladder through the tool in the incision site in her URQ. Once the bag was placed over the gallbladder, the device pulled slightly on the small, green organ, removing it successfully.

After the gallbladder was removed, the surgical team kept the cameras in place for a moment to check for any signs of bleeding or bile leakage. Once the OR team realized there weren’t any overt issues, they removed all their equipment and closed the 4 small incision sites with derma bond, and sent Bailey up to a recovery room. Over the following few hours, Bailey regained consciousness and was extubated. Following a few post operative tests, Bailey was released from our hospital and told to refrain from strenuous activity for the following few weeks so the incision sites heal properly. At the time, it appeared the surgery was a success and Bailey was well on her way to recovery.

Approximately 2 weeks Post-OP, Bailey woke up that morning feeling a bit off. She had a dry, unproductive cough, felt short of breath, and also a bit fatigued. Her symptoms were tolerable at the time, so she decided to carry on with her day. But as the day went on, her symptoms grew increasingly worse, and she eventually fainted, prompting a 911 call from one of her friends.

On scene, EMS reported that Bailey had regained consciousness, but was having difficulty breathing. She was breathing heavily, practically gasping for air while the medics gave her an oxygen mask. Even with the oxygen mask, Bailey could barely say more than a few words at a time. Her eyes became teary at that point, because of the pain and discomfort. “I’m gonna be ok. They’re gonna get to the bottom of this.” She thought, trying to reassure herself, completely unaware that she’d be toe tagged and under a sheet just a little while later. The medics continued their assessment and asked her a few basic questions pertaining to her symptoms: “do you have a history of asthma?” “did you take any drugs?” “did you swallow anything that may have gotten stuck?” “did you have any recent surgeries?” Bailey shook her head “no" to the first 3 questions, then nodded “yes” to the final question. Bailey couldn’t get the words out herself, so she pointed to her belly and showed the medics her gallbladder surgery scars.

The medics next course of action was to set up a portable heart monitor and 5 lead EKG. The heart monitor showed sinus tachycardia with a heart rate of 132bpm, hypotension with a BP of 70/38, and an o2 saturation down to 94% even though she was wearing a mask. The 5 lead EKG showed t wave inversion in leads 1 through 4 with incomplete right bundle branch block. EMS realized the severity of the situation and immediately prepped her for transport and notified our emergency department that they were en route.

During transport, the medics were able to obtain IV access and begin fluid resuscitation. Even though fluid resuscitation commenced, Bailey’s condition continued to remain serious. She clenched her chest in pain, feeling as if there were a thousand tiny glass shards inside her lungs during every breath. At that point, every breath was a major undertaking for her. The medics decided to push pain meds to help the young woman feel more comfortable, but it only did so much for her. She continued breathing heavily, almost gasping for air. Eventually, Bailey started coughing. It was the same dry, unproductive hacking that she experienced on and off throughout the day. But moments later, she began coughing up blood. The blood stained the inside of the o2 mask she was given, and there were a few blood droplets on her face. “Oh my god…” she muttered weakly, with a terrified look on her face. For the remainder of the ambulance ride, her vital signs remained unstable, and she continued to cough up blood.

Upon arrival at the ER, Bailey was still experiencing hemoptysis with the same symptoms described earlier. The ER team immediately took the young woman into an open trauma room and began running tests. They first ordered blood tests: a CBC, a BMP, a toxicology screen, and a d-dimer. A chest x-ray was ordered, but showed non-specific abnormalities within the thorax. An echocardiogram was ordered, showing right ventricular dilation, as well as a right ventricular thrombus. A thrombus in the right ventricle is an uncommon, and often fatal finding that’s indicative of a massive blood clot that’s in transit to the lungs from elsewhere in the body. With this serious finding in mind, the ER team promptly started the 23 year old on anticoagulants in an attempt to break up what was likely a massive pulmonary embolism. However, these meds take a little while to work. Since time didn’t appear to be on Bailey’s side, the ER team decided to get in touch with interventional radiology and pulmonology in order to perform catheter directed thrombolysis (CTE).

CTE is a non-surgical procedure where an IV line is set up into a vein in your groin area and a catheter is then inserted. This catheter is then navigated into the location of a blood clot with x-ray guidance, and the blood clots are either dissolved or physically removed by the catheter.

However, Bailey’s condition worsened just as she was about to be sent over to interventional radiology. She coughed up copious amounts of blood over the span of a few seconds, and then became unconscious. A nurse did a sternal rub, saying “Bailey? Stay with us hun", to which she received no response. At that point, Bailey’s eyes were wide open, staring lifelessly above. The ER team knew Bailey was about to code, so a crash cart was wheeled into the trauma room, while the attending ordered her to be intubated. A 7.0 ET tube was navigated into Bailey’s airway over the following few seconds. A blue tube holder was used to secure the ET tube, and an ambu bag was attached.

While tube placement was being confirmed, the heart monitors showed that Bailey was in PEA, so ACLS protocol was initiated. Deep, violent chest compressions were started by one of the nurses. Bailey’s skinny chest caved in and her belly rippled in sync with the ongoing efforts. Epinephrine and atropine were pushed into her IV line in order to get a shockable rhythm. The first round of drugs and first handful of CPR cycles failed to convert the young redhead to a shockable rhythm, so a 2nd dose of epi and atropine were injected intravenously at the 3 minute mark of the code.

The drugs were able to produce a shockable rhythm after approximately 45 seconds, so the ER team stuck the orange defib pads onto Bailey’s bare chest and charged the paddles to 250. Everyone backed away over the next couple of seconds, and shock #1 was delivered. Bailey’s body jolted on the table for a moment before going limp again. The heart monitors showed v-fib, so a cycle of CPR was performed while the paddles were recharged to 300. When the paddles were charged, everyone stood clear while the paddles were pressed up against Bailey’s bare chest for shock #2. This 2nd shock caused bailey’s B cup breasts to jiggle around in response to the increased strength of the shock, but once again failed to achieve ROSC. V-fib still displayed on the monitors, so the paddles were recharged to 360 and Bailey was shocked for a third time. Bailey’s feet leapt an inch or so above the table before slamming back down, showing off the silky, prominent wrinkles throughout the soles of her size 8 feet. This 3rd shock sent Bailey back into PEA, so chest compressions were resumed.

The ER team kept up the fight to save their young patient. Bailey’s chest caved in from the deep, forceful compressions she continued to receive. One of her arms hung off the side of the table and bounced around in time with each individual compression. Bailey’s feet swung around ever so slightly on the opposite side of the table as her chest was being pumped repeatedly. While this was ongoing, her ET tube began to fill up with blood. The suction made a slurping sound while it removed the blood from the ET tube. But just as the blood was removed, it refilled. A second round of suction had to be applied in order to restore the young lady’s airway.

It took another 5 minutes to convert Bailey back to v-fib, with her total down time being just under 11 minutes. The paddles were charged to 360 joules and pressed up against her bare chest, and a shock was delivered. Bailey’s chest shot up, with her back arching. Her eyes were wide open, staring lifelessly above as her body plopped back down on the table after the shock. She remained in v-fib, so another 360j shock was delivered a short while later. Her torso twitched slightly during this quick dose of electricity, but she converted back to PEA.

Epi, atropine, and bicarb were all injected intravenously while the code raged on. Bailey’s ET tube kept refilling with blood, so multiple suction attempts were made in order to maintain the young patient’s airway. Aggressive CPR was also being performed, and was starting to take its toll on the young woman’s body. Her chest was starting to become bruised, and a few ribs had become broken since the start of the code. But all of that seemed minor in the grand scheme of things.

The meds and compressions failed to produce a shockable rhythm, so bailey was given yet another dose of meds at the 17 minute mark of the code, and again at the 20 minute mark. The medication and compressions produced v-fib, so the paddles were once again charged to 360 and pressed up against Bailey’s bare chest, and she was shocked yet again. Her dying body twitched on the table in response to the shock, but remained in v-fib. After a cycle of compressions, another shock was delivered. Bailey’s toes scrunched up, wrinkling the soles of her feet once again. The ER team was still unable to restart Bailey’s heart, so resuscitation efforts went on.

The ER team shocked Bailey 3 more times, pushed another round of drugs, discovered fixed and dilated pupils, and coded her for another 6 and a half minutes, but were ultimately unable to bring her back. Unfortunately, Bailey’s time of death was called at 13:56 while she was still in v-fib.

The ambu bag was detached from the ET tube and the monitors were switched off. The EKG electrodes and orange defib pads were pulled off of Bailey’s bare chest. Her eyes were then shut for the final time before a toe tag was placed and covered with a sheet.

Bailey’s autopsy revealed that she passed away from a massive pulmonary embolism. There were multiple large clots found within the arteries of her lungs, along with the floating thrombus in her right ventricle. Since Bailey didn’t have any other risk factors for blood clots, it was determined that her death had to be attributed to her gallbladder surgery just 2 weeks earlier. Blood clots occasionally occur with gallbladder surgery, but are usually manageable. Severe blood clots that cause death are rarely reported, but unfortunately this appears to be one such case.

[shihalyfie]

Ichijouji Ken, his future, and Kizuna

Having talked about Kizuna’s extremely deep relationship to 02 as a series, it’s only natural that I should probably spend some extra focus on its main central character, Ichijouji Ken. It’s no secret that, although Daisuke was the protagonist of 02, Ken was the central figure to the series itself (after all, the series was founded on the concept of deconstructing the supposed “genius kid”), and so Kizuna having such a deep relationship with 02 means that it does, inevitably, have a deep relationship with Ken in particular.

The last twenty years have been full of a plethora of meta analysis on Ichijouji Ken as a character within 02 to the point I feel anything I could possibly come up with would probably be redundant, so today I’d like to place extra focus on his development after 02 (in terms of both canonical materials and general analysis), and how it leads up to his portrayal in the recently released Kizuna. (Naturally, spoilers for the movie will be below.)

We’ll start this analysis by looking at where Ken left off during the final episode of 02.

Thanks to his interactions with the rest of the 02 crew (especially Daisuke), Ken was slowly putting his life back together, but he still had a long way to go. As late as episode 49, we learned he still had suicidal ideation tendencies in regards to his deeds as the Kaiser, and although the rest of the team did get through to him in the end, it was clear that there was still a huge path ahead of him as far as coming to terms with himself and bonding with the rest of the team went. This was especially because he ended the series with the Dark Seed still in the back of his neck -- supernatural forces may have assisted his initial downfall, but it was going to be entirely on him to make sure that he never went back there again for the rest of his life.

One thing that’s really important to put in perspective is the actual chronology this ordeal took place in. Although the Kaiser saga spanned a little under half of the yearlong series that 02 was, Christmas skewed the schedule a little bit, so a good chunk of the second half of the series actually took place in much more condensed time than the first. Taking into account the official statement that everything before Christmas roughly aligns with the time of the year the relevant episode aired, and given the exact dates in December that we know episodes 38-50 take place in, within the course of 02, Ken’s reformation from being the Kaiser and bonding with the group spanned around only four months. That is not a lot of time, especially compared to the roughly two-year period Ken went through the trauma of his brother’s loss and his transformation into the Kaiser, so in actuality, Ken made a huge amount of progress considering how little time he had to do so.

Before we continue, I should make clear that I generally count pretty much everything in the Toei-esque fashion of “everything is canon, don’t think about contradictions too hard” (which is generally their modus operandi with pretty much any franchise), so pretty much everything here is fair game. That said, obviously, contradictions and other outliers do exist, so occasionally I am going to have to omit stuff that really, really doesn’t track...so for the sake of this analysis, I’m skipping Armor Evolution to the Unknown for two reasons: one, because it takes massive liberties with characterization for the sake of crack (it’s pretty hard to believe Ken would be this degree of flippant about the Kaiser persona in a more serious situation), and two, because it was written before 02 finished airing (it was released between episodes 43 and 44) and doesn’t reflect a lot of series and characterization development that happened later in the series. (Armor Evolution to the Unknown was released during a time period when the drama CDs were really, really big on the crack -- the three Adventure mini dramas are the same -- and it wasn’t until later that actual “serious” ones would start coming out.)

Given that, our next canonical point we can work with is Diablomon Strikes Back, which takes place in March 2003.

At this point Ken’s recovery is at a little around six months, and he’s making massive progress -- even if you’re not sure about counting the actual events of this movie as canon, it’s an excellent character study in terms of watching Ken’s emotional recovery at this point in time and his relationship with Daisuke, now that he’s not directly dealing with issues pertaining to his own past trauma.

It’s already a very different Ken from the one we’ve seen in the original series, where in episode 38 the idea of him laughing was such a huge shock, but here we already see a much wider emotional range from Ken -- light cheerfulness, playfulness, and at times even a bit of petulance. His actions and dialogue still have Ken’s trademark “softness” -- being kind and gentle has always been said to be his core inner trait, after all -- but, nevertheless, he’s a lot more willing to show “superficial” emotions, especially compared to how closed up, shy, and sometimes standoffish he would be within 02 proper.

Even Ken’s own body language indicates a lot -- he’s much more relaxed and  natural. Observe how he slouches here.

In fact, if you listen to Park Romi’s delivery of his lines throughout this movie, she voices him with a significantly higher-pitched and “lighter”, soft tone through all of it, which really gives off the impression that he’s much less emotionally uptight.

We get a glimpse of Daisuke and Ken’s future dynamic and how they’ll continue to be such tight friends in the future -- Ken is someone who can keep the infamously chaotic Daisuke in check (especially since prior to Ken coming into his life, Daisuke’s closest friend was probably Miyako, and while the two certainly got along very well with each other, they had a tendency to enable each other’s chaos a bit too much at times).

But despite Ken obviously trying to be more sensible than Daisuke here, it still manifests as a much greater show of emotion than the kind you’d be used to within 02 proper. He’s much more assertive with putting his foot down in keeping Daisuke under control, which indicates not only a more comfortable relationship with Daisuke in particular, but also a general increase in his ability to be assertive.

In one of his most famous scenes in this movie, he actually outright taunts Daisuke in order to spur him on. He’s doing it totally affectionately (it’s specifically to give Daisuke more motivation to keep running), but nevertheless, he’s taunting Daisuke -- not really something you'd expect from Ken in 02 proper. The original line in Japanese even has him use the very super-casual and aggressive end particle ~ze.

He even snarks about Daisuke’s convenient bouts of luck in ways that aren’t exactly complimentary (the literal phrasing of this line has “baka mitai ni” in it, in this context "some kind of ridiculous incredible power”).

And, near the end of the movie, when he starts to lose hope, it only takes a single line from Daisuke to get himself back together -- this kind of thing would have probably taken a whole speech in 02, even from Daisuke himself, but by this point Ken’s got a much better emotional grasp on himself.

And in the end, the movie ends on both Daisuke and Ken laughing together -- very lightly.

It’s easy to pass off Ken’s characterization in DSB as an incidental thing simply because this is a “side story” movie from 02 -- especially since it was technically produced during 02′s airing -- but in fact, this portrayal is consistent with what Ken has to say about himself during his next known point in canon, Spring 2003.

Given that Takeru’s track is apparently set “three months” after Christmas, and Miyako’s track talks about having just entered middle school, I assume that this means Ken’s takes place in around late March or early April 2003 (almost exactly a year since 02′s start), but in actuality nothing really “happens” during Ken’s track. Nevertheless, it provides a lot of information on Ken’s state of mind during this time and his own self-reflection on his past...and defines in very clear words what it is that Ken needs to move away from.

You were always in a bad mood and you were cold to me, but now that I think about it, maybe you really wanted to be nicer to other people. I don’t know what happened to you that made you act like you did, but now, I finally feel like I understand a bit. You were demanded to grow up fast, weren’t you, Brother? Because we were always being evaluated and compared by someone, we didn’t get a chance to have more freedom. We didn’t have any chances to run down an alley because we felt like it, or pull up weeds, or tumble around… meaningless things, things that didn’t bring any value to us at all. Just like the cat napping on the roof… we weren’t able to fully enjoy any everlasting freedom.

02 -- especially its latter half -- dealt largely with the concept of parents imposing too many expectations on their children, acting “proud” of them but actually using them to inflate their own self-worth, and in the end effectively robbing their own children of their right to “be children”. While we don’t know a lot about Osamu based on limited information about him, Ken’s parents also lament that they might have robbed Osamu of the opportunity to be a “normal boy” in 02 episode 23.

Once Ken took the role of the “family genius” after Osamu’s death, Ken was thus likewise robbed of that “normal childhood” due to all of the expectations put on him -- and Ken’s words in his track imply that it extended to before Osamu’s death, because just because Osamu was the favored one at the time didn’t mean that Ken wasn’t subject to the same kind of expectations to at least some degree, even if not as much. (Note how he really didn’t seem to have any kind of friends at all prior to Daisuke and the others.)

Thus, Ken’s ideal trajectory is to become “a normal child” -- one not subject to expectations as a “well-behaved genius child”. That applies not only to things like his academic or sports performance, but also even his core manners -- being a “normal person” in this context meaning being allowed to show emotions, be petty, have emotional range that extends beyond just being deferential and polite, and generally do things because he enjoys them and not because others expect him to. This is consistent with his portrayal in DSB, as in said movie he really does come off as a “normal boy” -- a young child who, while certainly less chaotic than Daisuke, is still enjoying himself and interacting with the world in “his own” natural, relaxed way rather than holding himself to obligations.

Another interesting thing about DSB is that it has Ken refer to Daisuke by given name. This is particularly intriguing because up until the end of 02, Ken consistently referred to Daisuke as “Motomiya” (he did use given name in episode 39, but it wasn’t something he really followed up on). This despite the fact he went with given names (plus honorifics) for everyone else in the 02 team, but it seems like Ken was still trying to figure out his very complicated feelings about Daisuke as someone who was his Most Hated Person™ during his Kaiser days and yet is now trying to aggressively reach through his barriers that he’s constructed out of self-defense.

And yet, extremely notably, almost every single post-02 material is consistent about the idea that Ken switches to given name basis with Daisuke after 02. (The only exception is Armor Evolution to the Unknown, which, as stated before, was written and recorded during 02′s airing and not after; notably, Daisuke is also on surname basis with Ken during that drama CD, even though he permanently switches to given name basis after episode 39.) That includes “out-of-hard-canon” things like Xros Wars episode 78.

Yet they still couldn’t remember to put the highlight back in Ken’s eyes, among other things.

Honorific and surname-given name basis fluctuated quite a bit in both Adventure and 02 (especially whenever canon material changed hands between writers), but for all intents and purposes, there is no reason Daisuke and Ken should not be on mutual given name basis after 02. This is especially when you take into account the more naturalistic relationship they have as of DSB -- there’s no standoffishness at all between them anymore.

This ties very deeply into how 02 portrayed its characters. One thing I’ve very, very often pointed out was that it was always an explicit point of contrast between themselves and the original Adventure team was that the 02 kids were not only “friends” in terms of fighting together on Digimon cases, but “friends” in the sense of actual social-life friends who clicked well in personality and adored each other’s company. (Part of this was because of the core theme of the series; Jogress being such a huge motif, “understanding your friends” took precedence over Adventure’s “understanding yourself”.) These are the kids who hung out together in the totally-not-related-to-any-Digimon-incident (at least, not at first) picnic in episode 6 and Christmas party in episode 38, a stark comparison to the Adventure kids who infamously started drifting as early as Our War Game!.

(Note that this isn’t meant to diminish or drop shade on the Adventure kids’ bonds in any way -- I feel like their bond is more of one that’s a “transcendent” one that crosses space and links them through their shared experience, but, nevertheless, is simply not the same in nature as the “social life” bonds the 02 kids had where they were very casual and yet intimate with each other in almost all daily life respects.)

As a result, Daisuke and Ken’s relationship ended up very different from that of their predecessors Taichi and Yamato -- it’s actually hard to imagine them getting in all that many highly heated fights in the same way their seniors would be prone to, and they’d generally be on “mild banter” terms for most of it. In fact, they come off as pretty casual and in-sync with each other, and it’s to the point where it really does feel like -- especially by the point of DSB -- staying on “standoffish” surname basis really is unwarranted.

And while it’s tempting to limit Ken’s relationship to only Daisuke, this did involve the rest of the 02 group, after all -- we got significant episodes defining his relationship to the others (Miyako got a whole episode in 25, and 30′s entire events kicked off because of an attempt to get him to better socialize with Iori!), and the 02 kids as a cohesive “overall group” were integral in getting Ken to open up and show different sides of himself. Although his relationship to certain team members ended up closer than others (Daisuke and Miyako, the ones who tried most aggressively to reach out to him, ended up getting the most out of him), nevertheless, it was important that Ken ultimately cultivated a relationship with a group of friends, and not just one.

This, of course, brings us to Kizuna, which takes place in the summer of 2010. This is a massive leap of time we don’t know a lot about, and for all it’s worth, this means we have, compared to the approximately two years Ken spent suffering under the influence of the Dark Seed, a whole eight years dedicated to potential recovery. There’s a lot that could have happened during that time, and what happened in between, we can only really guess.

Well, for one, he cut his hair.

The reveal of Ken’s design for Kizuna was a huge shock for those watching, because, among all of the twelve main human characters in Kizuna, he probably has the biggest and most drastic design change -- especially because his long hair was so iconic that even the epilogue depicted him with it (and even longer, at that). Were it not for other important identifiers like Wormmon’s presence and the fact said hair is at least still indigo blue, you’d almost wonder if it’s the same character.

(I do have to at least give props to this Animedia poster, though -- that soft and concerned expression is textbook Ken-chan, so it absolutely nails the vibe that it’s the same character despite the massive design change, and it even has a small cute detail that, despite clearly trying to calm Yamato down in haste, he’s still tidy enough to lay his chopsticks neatly on the bowl. That Ken has a habit of doing this while eating hot ramen is a very specific minor blink-and-you’ll-miss-it detail in 02 episode 36, and while I’d normally pass this off as coincidence, Kizuna and its PR has had such ridiculous attention to detail that I’m not entirely willing to.)

Not only that, his actual outfit in the movie is rather unassuming -- it’s just a black shirt, pants, and a belt, compared to the more distinctive/fashionable or setting-immersive outfits everyone else has. I mean, it sure beats that godawful grey gakuran he was constantly wearing during 02, but there were certainly a lot of complaints about how...well, unassuming and plain he looks.

The thing is, though, this is very much in line with how Ken would most likely want to present himself. When you think about it, Ken himself would probably not really appreciate his fanbase status as the “sad pretty boy”; having been scrutinized, evaluated, and put on uncomfortable pedestals through all of his early life, “blending in” and coming off as an average, unassuming person would be right up his alley.

Anyway, before we get into Kizuna itself, we have the drama CD that came with its BD, Where Should We Go? While it was released after the movie, in chronological timeline, it serves as a slight prequel, and what we learn about Ken in it is certainly...interesting. Namely, that he’s apparently a hardcore fan of Japanese hot springs. And not just a hardcore fan of them, but also a complete nerd.

The hot springs *obviously* must have free-flowing water. If possible, I think I’d prefer a quiet, rural flowing hot spring that’s surrounded by a moss-covered garden. Then I want to stay the night at a historical inn that focuses more on tranquility and wabi-sabi rather than wildness or beauty. I’m not looking for a lot on the food options, but the portions should ideally be neither too large nor too small. If we’re just going to relax our bodies, then I’d like it if there was a variety of hot springs to choose from. The water quality that I recommend for the ladies would be the hydrogen carbonate spring or the alkaline simple hot spring (these are otherwise known as simple hot springs with a basic pH of 8.5 or above), but my personal favorite is the hot sulphur spring! Incidentally, the hot sulphur spring is said to treat arteriosclerosis and high blood pressure. If it were possible, I’d like to take my time there… At least stay for two nights! Ahh… Hot springs… Hehehe…

I cannot stress enough how much the audio delivery for this depicts him as being terrifyingly into it. It’s also...not exactly the most fashionable thing for a nineteen-year-old to be into (actually, it’s more of a stereotype old man thing, what with the fixation on traditional Japanese aesthetics and health nut aspects), but we have Ken being very shameless and assertive about his personal interests, even if they’re a bit unusual.

Funnily enough, this isn’t actually the first time he was demonstrated to be a huge infodumping nerd -- it’s just that the last instance was questionably canonical, but tracks extremely heavily with what was just demonstrated here. Namely, Daisuke and Ken’s Shopping Carol:

Listen, the thing about Christmas is that it's one of the most important days in the world... It was the day the Savior was born... So, you go to church and pray... Of course, you knew all of that right?

Or in other words, he interrupts Daisuke’s wistful thoughts with The Actual Nerd Facts, because he’s a nerd. He even has a bit of a smart-aleck atmosphere...and then he cheerfully and sassily dumps all of the work on Daisuke thereafter. While the canonicity for this song is hard to place since it was released during 02′s airing (and 02 itself depicted a very different Christmas), plus the ambiguity of character song canon in general, it’s interesting how Ken’s portrayal here is pretty surprisingly in line with what we’re learning about his future personality.

The rest of what we see of Ken in the drama CD is what we generally knew about him already -- he’s kind, he dotes on Wormmon (he even indulges Wormmon’s request to take him skiing!), and he still keeps up with being into intellectual studies, and even soccer (he’s described as actually keeping up with soccer to the extent he does training camp), because he was always interested in those kinds of things -- it’s just that now he can indulge in them in ways he personally likes instead of being held to other people’s standards.

But he’s also very emotional, passionate, and openly assertive -- something he could be in 02, but only when it was something he really, really cared about, because most of the time he was a little more on the shy side with others. Not anymore. And he’s happy to indulge in the chaotic trip planning and enable the others, and, at the end, gives some sentimental words to Daisuke, his best friend.

Anyway, onto the movie itself!

Notably, they do not mention Ken’s past trauma nor his deeds as the Kaiser throughout the entire movie.

That might surprise people, given that this was...well, central to the entire plot of 02, so it’s arguably a glaring omission that despite having the 02 cast here, it’s not even brought up once. The only real “reference” to it is this scene, where Ken happens to be the one who knows about Menoa’s background as a child prodigy -- and even then it’s uncertain whether this had anything to do with said traumatic events (Menoa was admitted to Liberica in 2002 itself) as much as it’s a meta nod to Ken having a suspiciously similar background and the fact he and Menoa were based on the same real-life story (the nine-year-old boy who skipped grades into Columbia University).

But, again, recall that Ken has had eight years to move on from the events of 02, more time than said events had actually spanned over. That doesn’t mean he’s easily going to forget that trauma, nor that said events don’t still have an impact on him, but rather that a true positive development for him should have him not having to consciously dwell on it if it’s not necessary, and that his friends of now eight years should probably not be still holding it over him at a time like this.

After all, 02 itself was dedicated to scolding this kind of behavior -- not being “stuck in the past” (which, well, also happens to be a very pertinent theme when it comes to Kizuna...) was basically the entire point of the latter half, and so it stands to reason that Ken, and by extension the rest of the 02 cast, would be more focused on what they’re doing now instead of what happened back then.

In the absence of any references to said past, Ken in the actual movie ends up coming off as a bit unremarkable and plain compared to the three friends who end up surrounding him, all of whom have much more extreme personalities (the chaotic and exuberant Daisuke and Miyako, and the comically poker-faced Iori). But you get the feeling that he’s perfectly fine being that way -- rather, he’s enjoying getting all of his fun from his exciting friends, without feeling a need to spice things up himself.

So when we finally do meet Ken for the first time in Kizuna, he’s cheerfully eating ramen with Daisuke and Iori in New York (which, for all it’s worth, is probably really questionably legal, considering that Adventure’s world of 2010 likely still hasn’t figured out how to deal with that whole thing with “immigration and customs” as it pertains to Digital Gates.) Emphasis on cheerfully. He’s as tidy as ever (note how he still properly keeps his chopsticks between his fingers and cleans up after himself, albeit not as well as Iori), and he’s obviously more straight-laced than Daisuke or Miyako, but he isn’t really hiding the fact he’s also totally enjoying this. He didn’t even know why they were there for ramen in New York in the first place, but he just rolled with wherever Daisuke took him.

Recall that, according to their official profiles, these three go to completely different schools now -- Iori’s in high school, Daisuke’s at vocational school getting a chef’s license, and Ken’s in university studying psychology. (Which, by the way, is not brought up at all throughout the movie nor the drama CD! It’s easy to glean how his past experiences might give him an interest in the topic, and it’ll certainly be a valuable background to have for his future known career in criminal investigation, but despite Ken previously having had a reputation for being studious, it’s not brought up at all -- almost as if hanging out with his friends and having fun with them is more important and pertinent.) The drama CD even points out that Ken would normally be busy with soccer training camp. Yet they’re hanging out. In New York. Eating ramen. So, Yamato, what were you saying about how “choosing your own path can sometimes mean being alienated from friends”? If anything, these friends seem to be going out of their way to make sure they’re staying tight.

And, as you’d expect, Ken refers to Daisuke by given name, following DSB’s precedent. Again, given the nature of their relationship right now, this should be expected. There’s other evidence that Kizuna does use DSB as reference in certain other respects as well (Takeru calls Yamato “niisan”, which had previously been exclusive to that movie), and it’s very possible that Ken as portrayed in that movie was used as reference for his potential trajectory here.

Note that he seems to be even more outwardly affectionate with Wormmon than before (which is, shockingly, apparently possible) -- he still feeds his partner before feeding himself (similar to what he did in 02 episode 37), but now he also shamelessly carries Wormmon on his head, which he never did in 02. Perhaps it’s because he’s tall enough to carry the weight, but unlike with Takeru and Patamon, Wormmon is big enough that the sight is honestly comical -- yet Ken couldn’t care less, and while we don’t see him in his own school, it’s a sharp contrast to how Taichi and Yamato scoffed at the idea of bringing their partners to school because they “have their own lives to live”.

(A nice touch is Ken carrying Minomon from his arm, which actually comes from a very obscure piece of 02 concept art -- you can find it in the Character Complete File or the Animation Chronicle -- but was never depicted in the series proper. The Kizuna design works in the April 2020 edition of Animedia actually recreated that piece of art with Ken in the exact same position, only as a nineteen-year-old this time, which was an incredibly welcome thing to see.)

He greets Miyako upfront when she arrives, which doesn’t look like much on its face, but recall that this probably wouldn’t have happened during 02 proper -- not even with Daisuke! -- and, at the very least, not with this very casual “hey!” tone. It means a lot in terms of how much more casual of a person he’s been able to become in the last eight years, and how much more casual he is with this group (well, at least with Miyako). Takeru also greets Wormmon in the drama CD, and Wormmon seems pretty unusually happy to see Hawkmon when they meet each other there, certainly implying a lot of interpersonal interaction since.

Miyako meets up with them (and, going back to how tight these kids are, Miyako would come in all the way from Spain to meet her friends even for the exact same job that she dumped on her seniors), and they end up infiltrating Menoa’s office. He gets in a line of snark, especially because the Shueisha Mirai novel indicates he’s deliberately “looking the other way” in regards to worrying about security -- looks like he’s developing some Lawful tendencies, but in the end, his friends and getting to the bottom of the real truth take priority.

And, also, it’s still pretty clear he’s totally taking the opportunity to enjoy this.

So what does this all mean, really? He’s taking a fairly passive attitude with his abundantly more chaotic friends, but he’s also not protesting, and he’s enjoying everything he can out of it. He’s a bit quieter than he was in DSB, but that could easily just be from being older and a bit more mature, and he hardly comes off as reserved, either (it helps that Daisuke doesn’t quite resort to any antics nearly as ridiculous as he did in DSB, so there’s no need to keep him in check -- yep, even Daisuke got a bit more mature himself). And he’s joining these kids in being possibly some of the most chaotic disaster adults (near-adults?) on this planet, in a sharp contrast to their seniors.

I mentioned earlier in my analysis of Kizuna’s relationship to 02 that Ken is actually a “hidden” foil to Kizuna’s main antagonist, Menoa -- they were both conceived from the same idea Producer Seki had regarding the real-life “genius boy” who ended up going to Columbia University at a young age and, in her opinion, was going to be robbed of a proper childhood experience. 02′s Dark Seed children arc was a major indictment against parents forcing this kind of pressure on children, not only in the sense of pushing them academically but also quashing out their more “childish” dreams for the sake of a more “dignified” outlook and future. Through the events of 02, Ken learned a very personal lesson on not losing his “true self” to the pressure of those expectations, and the meaning of valuing his family and friends instead.

Ken and Menoa, effectively, were originally on the same path, but thanks to the circumstances of 02, Ken managed to avert Menoa’s fate and ended up following his own way. Nevertheless, Ken was largely robbed of a normal kid’s childhood up until the age of eleven, and it stands to reason that, even at the age of nineteen, he might still be trying to make up for all of those fun experiences he never was able to have.

Funny thing about his haircut, too -- this isn’t the first time Ken’s had this haircut, actually. You know when was the last known time he did?

Hm. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

But unlike Menoa, who decided that it would be better to trap herself in her own distorted view of what “childhood” is, or Oikawa, who ended up clinging dearly to the last reminder he had of what he’d lost from his childhood, Ken ends up dealing with it in a very forward-facing manner. In fact, he’d elucidated his feelings on the issue back in Spring 2003:

There are still a lot of times when I think about how I should have “done this back then.” But I discovered that there are many things I can do over afterwards. I’ll stop counting the things that I can’t do. Because I’m sure there are many things that I can do.

Instead of living in regrets about the past, Ken simply chooses to move forward by making new fun experiences and memories with his friends, befitting those he couldn’t have when he was a kid, and perhaps even enhanced by his newfound freedom as a nineteen-year-old.

During the final battle, we get a few more emotional and assertive shows from Ken -- his concern about Miyako is pretty frantic-sounding, and the fact he steps in so quickly and frantically to help her out by his own will is pretty impressive. And then he definitively declares that they can’t afford to give up -- which is certainly in line with the nobility he had even during 02, but remember when, even in DSB, Daisuke had to be the one to remind him of this? Now he’s the one reassuring his teammates about this, all on his own. When it all comes down to it, his sense of awareness of what he wants and what he wants to do is stronger than ever.

I mentioned in my analysis of Kizuna in relation to 02 that the 02 kids are in a fairly unique position in the movie, thanks to having already practically gone through a lot of the lessons in both 02 and Kizuna, thus leading them to become very lacking in susceptibility to potentially losing their partners anytime soon (and in fact are deliberately portrayed as such). I would say of all of them, Ken is the most representative of this -- being such a direct foil to the movie’s main antagonist, one who actually came dangerously close to making some of the exact same mistakes she did and emerged with his own trauma as a result, the lessons and warnings imparted by the movie are already deeply embedded in his being.

He’s one of the most openly affectionate and intimate with his partner, having already learned the very, very hard way of what happens when you don’t treasure your partner properly. (He’s taking Wormmon jogging with him, which has got to be an awfully uncomfortable setup, but, goddammit, he’s gonna make it work. And if ~With~ is to be believed, he’s been doing this for years now.) He’s still got a Dark Seed in the back of his neck as an eternal reminder to remember who he is, and to acknowledge the love from his family and friends around him instead of succumbing to arbitrary societal expectations. Remember what I said in my earlier analysis about the true reason for partnerships dissolving, and how deeply it was tied to throwing yourself away for the sake of arbitrary standards of adulthood? Ken’s experiences and extremely painful trauma are like a giant do not do this stamp on his face, and although everyone in this cast is naturally human and may have ups and downs or relapses, Ken is possibly one of the last characters one could imagine succumbing to that kind of mistake again.

So we make it to the epilogue, and although Ken’s technical job title as given in the epilogue is literally “police officer” (keisatsukan), his form of dress (plainclothes, not uniform) and his the Character Complete File indicate he’s from the Digimon Special Investigations Unit (tokusoubu), or, in other words, he’s actually a public-servant detective. (So no, the various dubs also going with “detective” are thus not “changes” in this respect.) In short, he investigates scenes of crimes after they happen, and the Character Complete File provides an example in the form of him investigating a dead body found at the river.

This is probably why Kizuna has him major in psychology, because forensic psychology would be a pretty useful skillset for this kind of job, and a university education in general would most certainly be helpful. (The job requirements as per the Japanese system also require a very high level of athleticism and aptitude.) On the other hand, considering what we know about Ken up to Kizuna, there aren’t any indications that he treated this like any kind of major aspiration, and the psychology major makes you think he might have just fallen into this career by a series of accidents -- he took an interest in psychology (and mental health) due to his own experiences, and then decided that “discovering the truth behind things” was up his alley (much like Iori). Even more notably, his position isn’t really described in any history-making terms, not even ones like being “the first” of anything (like Jou), and it feels like he’s doing this to contribute to society in a way he prefers more than he’s trying to accomplish anything world-shattering.

But on the flip side, it’s probably no coincidence that the 02 epilogue portrays him with such a big family. Of course, it also fits with his and Miyako’s family backgrounds (they’d probably want their kids to have siblings, given their own experiences), but since the Dark Seed was described as having its effects countered by acknowledging how much you’re loved, Ken is clearly surrounded by love -- his wife is one of the most openly affectionate people out there, and his kids (or at least his middle child) use the same “Mama” kind of affectionate language Ken shared with his own parents. Once the events of 02 came to a close at the end of 2002, Ken went on a journey of discovering his own self-assertion, personal desires, and fun -- shedding the expectations and societal standards others had of him, and learning to enjoy life in ways he personally enjoys, for his own sake.

[crownin-thestars]

BANGUNGUT

This might get a little dark at the end, sorry

Trigger warning by the way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grian had started working with sleepless nights recently, and the other Hermits obviously noticed this, nearly falling asleep at some meetings.

It's day three of it and Grian is already experiencing many mood swings from the deprivation of sleep and gained major paranoia of things. Despite the others protests, he refuses to go to bed, claiming they would come for him.

He's never mentioned who they is, but they only guessed it was some myth he started believing in.

It was now day seven of Grian being an insomniac. His attention span was even shorter than before, and he's forgotten many recent events like the mayoral race. Luckily he remembers them when one of the Hermits reminds him about them.

Xisuma being Xisuma, grows extremely worried for the young hermit, knowing that if he doesn't get any sleep, he could die. Not many of the others know about that though.

On day nine, however, during a meeting, Grian claimed he had seen a creeper or some sorts. Sure he saw something green, but it was definitely not a creeper, just a bush on the shelf.

As the sleep masters of the server, Wels and Bdubs try their hardest to get him to go to bed, ultimately giving up after hours of convincing. All of them knew that Grian was extremely unhealthy from his low body temperature despite still living in the dense jungle. His eyes were red from the lack of sleep.

Stress tried giving him some sleeping potions, non of which were working for some reason. They had always worked so well on Scar when he overworks.

It was day eleven since the insomniac came about. Many had given up, but some kept trying.

They had another meeting that day. As they were about to go on to the mayoral campaign, Mumbo quickly shushed everyone as he looked at Grian.

He's finally fallen asleep.

Relief came over all the Hermits, not having to worry about the blonde's deprivation of sleep. Of course, they ended the meeting early, and they brought him to his large mansion to put him to bed.

Xisuma got Iskall and False to stay in the mansion to make sure he didn't try getting out of bed. They happily obliged, wanting their gremlin friend to be protected.

As they were walking out the mansion, they all heard a blood curdling scream coming from Grian's bedroom. After that, silence. . . Dead silence. . .

The Hermits rushed in to see what happened. Grian was still laying in bed, but it didn't feel right to Scar. He went over to the bed, lightly shaking him while quietly calling his name. The rest searched around looking for a source of the sound.

Joe and Cleo searched around his room, finding that he had not actually consumed the sleeping potions given, and was instead drinking and unhealthy amount of coffee to stay awake.

Tango and Impulse had found a note on a little bulletin board Grian had put up for himself. They read it to themself silently, eyes widening at what was written. Zedaph looked over their shoulders to try and read it, but Impulse had pushed him back down. Poor Zed, too precious to see it.

Many heads turned back to the bed as Scar's voice got significantly louder and more unsteady. He bit his lip, holding back tears. He looked up, making eye contact with Doc. He's studied medical, he should know what to do.

The creeper cyborg looked down at the pale youngling, denial setting in. He quickly checked for a pulse. He couldn't believe what he was afraid of actually happened. He turned to the rest of the group, stuttering slightly.

"G-Grian is gone. . ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word count: 631 words

Got a little dark as I said. If you have no idea what just happened, Bangungut is SUNDS in Filipino. SUNDS stands for Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome. This mostly affects men aged 20-40 years old. As the name of it says, how the person died is unknown, therefore unexplained. Looking at the timeline under 1988 it's probably fueled by trauma because 'refugees in U.S'

I got the idea to write this while watching MatPat's theory on Try To Fall Asleep. I was originally thinking about using Bdubs but then I thought I could probably link it back to EVO cuz why not

Hope you enjoyed (even though it's short)

[hiagainyou]

I'd like to hear about an OC that means a lot to you. Maybe you've had them a while, maybe they've got the most fleshed out backstory, or maybe they speak to you, they encapsulate a part of you, anything :3

Oh my god thank you!!! You're so kind🥺🥺

Ahhh an oc that means a lot to me

I'd honestly have to give it to Midas my bnha oc, I know I talk about them a lot but he's just I've worked on him for so long and whenever I tell people his story they always end up falling for him.

Shinko Yoichi is a tragic character, let's get this out first.

Born without a father, or more like a deadbeat father, his mother took care of him and loved him dearly.

Until the incident.

You see, Yoichi's quirk is gold, an ability that allows him to turn anything in gold with the touch of all five fingers, and it decided to manifest while he was playing with his friend at the tender age of five (5) years old.

And if you're following along, that means you know what happens next.

He turned his friend into solid gold.

Now I haven't dug into the trauma and the court case and all that good stuff but I'll get to that eventually.

As a result though, his mother was TERRIFIED of touching him now, she still supported him but whenever he would reach out for her or just get a little too close she would flinch or push him away.

Yoichi didn't feel like he belonged anymore, his mother was slowly closing herself off and people looked at him different, so at 13/14 he ventured off on his own, he started off small of course with selling small objects he had turned into gold and slowly he started to associate himself with petty villains and minor heroes.

You see, Yoichi had a vision.

He knew he could be so much more if he just climbed that ladder, so he kept at it.

Gaining more and more money by selling information to each side, heroes and villains, about what they were doing and became known as his alias Midas.

At the age of 17 he was one of the, if not the most, wealthy people in the world, being branded as the "universal bank" with how his connections span and how he loans money to those that can pay him back.

Diving into that a little bit, midas became an info broker and also a loaner like he would make deals with heroes and villains and just anyone off the street as long as they could pay him back within a certain amount of time. Midas has intel on everyone that has a name to themselves, from the biggest hero to the humblest lawyer or even the worse villain, he knows who you are and what information he can sell to make a profit.

Midas also acquired a handful of "followers", groups of people from many backgrounds that flocked to him for money or just a new life under his reign.

I just love midas a lot, I've had him ever since I entered the fandom in like what 2017 or so?

He just he goes through and has gone through a lot.

He comes off as like a sort of arrogant/confident 17 year old who knows what he wants and can get what he wants, he takes no shit and intimidation of any form doesn't phase him.

He's been in this business for a while, he knows when people are all talk.

But he's also so soft like he's a touch starved baby who is soooo heavily guarded both literally and metaphorically like how I inserted him in the series is when the first years got attacked by the league for the first time nedzu, the principal, made a deal with midas so he could keep and eye on the first years and tell them about all the villains associated with that attack, and so he goes to UA as a second year and runs into my self insert and her friend group and after a while he just kinda melts like we teach him to like open up and not be so guarded and like kinda afraid of people like abandoning or like using him for stuff and he just becomes this like silly asshole of a guy and I love him for it.

And he treats his followers like family like he buys them they're own little neighborhood area and provides for them, in return he only asks for loyalty which he gets like 10 fold, like they look up to him and will give up their lives for him but he just it would ruin him like they're his found family when his own family didn't care much for him anymore.

Midas is a gift and I love him absolutely and wholeheartedly.

Thanks for the ask! Sorry if this isn't very coherent it's 1:30 am and I'm literally exhausted

Also!!! If you ever wanna talk about your selfships please please PLEASE don't hesitate!!!!

@thatslikesometaldude

[theyilinglaozus]

Oh god I had completely pushed away the fact that JGY married his sister and killed his son, which is atrocious. I do understand that the upbringing and trauma he realized pushed him into that direction but still, as you said, he went a bit too far there. Now that you say it, I also wonder what JZX would have been like as a sect leader. I agree that he would probably have been a great one, we see his mediating abilities in the Qiongqi Path scene between WWX and Jin Zixun, he ALMOST managed it -✨

And don't we all not know how to deal with a crush in our teenage years? I mean I don't know if it's because of my age or my awkwardness or a healthy combination of both, but I literally. Cannot deal with crushes. Just like LWJ. Although I wouldn't pretend to hate my crush, haha. But yeah, LWJ and JZX aren't very different in that matter, if LWJ weren't a Lan and hadn't grown up with thousands of rules and the pressure to not show emotion, he might have acted just like JZX -✨

WWX going full Baoshan Sanren is a concept I've never thought about, but it is incredibly interesting! Though I wonder if it would have worked out, because I'm sure the other sects wouldn't really appreciate even more demonic cultivators, haha. But we'll never know if it would have worked, unfortunately. But question time! What do you speculate would have happened to WWX and the Wens if WN hadn't killed JZX? Do you think it would've ended happily or would there have been an unforeseeable twist?✨

Yeah, Jin Guangyao just straight up murdering his own son is ... 😬 Not that there wasn’t a lot he didn’t do beforehand that wasn’t terrible, but there’s no coming back from killing his own child. 

That’s the heartbreaking thing isn’t it? Jin Zixuan was already showing examples of being a great sect leader, mediating what to do and what he did to try and get Wei Wuxian to meet his nephew, likely knowing it would also be an opportunity to try and begin a method of fixing things and figuring out the truth of why Wei Wuxian was protecting the Wens ... ugh. They were so close to possibly heading on a different path before all the murder happened 😢

Oh my god, tell me about it! There are so many things about Lan Wangji that I find relatable, but the way he deals with crushes? Too real! 😆 Wangji, stop calling me out for doing the whole ‘I will care about this person privately and without ever dealing with these feelings I have for them’ tactic, it’s just how we do! And that’s really interesting what you say about how, if he wasn’t born in Gusu Lan he might have dealt with his emotions the same was as Jin Zixuan (or, not deal with them still I guess). I can really see that! Now I’m just imaging that scene where Zixuan stands awkwardly for a while in front of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Yanli before running away, but with Lan Wangji 😂 The poor boys, we love you really! 💖

I’m gunna pop the rest of this reply under a cut, because I (once again!) seem to have a lot of thoughts about the questions you asked, and I reckon my response will get long!

See, I think if Wei Wuxian - for whatever reason - did just end up becoming the Yiling Patriarch and following Baoshan Sanren to some degree, it would have been a lot of ‘this is what people think he’s doing vs. this is what he’s actually doing’. I think there would be the fear of him creating more demonic cultivators (especially since more demonic cultivators do pop up anyway, since we know in the novel Jiang Cheng goes after them and, well. Xue Yang is right there. Actively admiring Wei Wuxian to some extent and wanting his help to bring Xiao Xingchen back) but I don’t actually think Wei Wuxian would teach demonic cultivation. He only learns it himself out of necessity and survival, and I dunno, I sort of feel it’s something he’d not necessarily want to put upon others if they had other options available to them. I can see him teaching disciples about talismans and archery, how to cultivate and help a golden core begin to grow. Plus there’s Wen Ning and Wen Qing, who I like to imagine would also maybe pass on some of their own skills - healing and medicine for Wen Qing and perhaps fighting methods from Wen Ning. 

I also kind of feel it’s something Wei Wuxian wouldn’t actively set out to do, but that younger disciples would come to him wanting to learn from him anyway. Especially Wen Yuan, who we know adores Wei Wuxian 😍 I once saw an idea that maybe disciples of Wei Wuxian are really rare and tend to hide because of the stigma of their sect and what the cultivation world thinks of them, but they often wear a red ribbon in their hair as a little nod to him which is adorable. I love that sort of thing. 

Had the Wens’ lived and Jin Zixuan didn’t die ... oof. I am loving this question because it is such a good one! 

I honestly don’t know if things would have ended happily. I’d like to imagine they would, but I also feel that something else would have likely happened. It just feels like such a big point in the story that carries so much importance along with it that somehow, tragedy still would have struck (that or I’m just being extra with my love for tragedy and angst once more) 😛

I ... actually think that Wei Wuxian still would have ended up dying, and the reason for that is a mix of both his loss of golden core and how his health was being affected at the time of protecting the Wens anyway. The story makes it very clear to us that his demonic cultivation is pulling a lot on his physical and mental health, and that Wei Wuxian is likely becoming thin and malnourished from lack of eating properly due to food shortages. He’s already got a history of starvation from his days on the streets which is not good, and given what he’s gone through in a short span via loss of golden core, being thrown into the burial mounds and left to die, having to feed on the dead to survive, taking up an unnatural cultivation practice in order to survive and then coming back and having to eventually face the burial mounds again but this time in an aim to create a new home for those that have no other place in the world? There’s a lot of strain being put upon his body in a small amount of time, not to mention a lack of really understanding the new limitations to his body. 

The story makes it very clear that golden core transfusion has not been done before for good reasons, and although Wen Qing is a good doctor and likely one of the best of her time ... she doesn’t even really understand what comes next for him. I imagine she’d be watching him to make sure he was alright, but given the stress of what was going on and Wei Wuxian’s own flaw in not telling anyone the truth of anything about how he’s feeling or what he’s been through, she’d be struggling with a thing that has no guideline to follow. And because Wei Wuxian is keeping this important piece of information close to his own heart and would likely take the truth to the grave so as not to hurt his brother, it’s not like he feels he can go to his siblings or Lan Wangji and say ‘hey, so my golden core has gone and my bodies kind of been put through the ringer since then, I don’t really know if I’m healthy or very much need some help?’ 

I guess my happy, dream scenario is ‘Wei Wuxian stays with the Wen’s, teaches some baby cultivators and over the years builds secret relations with the Jiang sect, Nie Huaisang, Jin Zixuan, potentially Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen to some degree’. Maybe when the truth comes out or is learnt the relations become more overt, until eventually his own tiny sect becomes a little more welcome in the cultivation world - likely after learning he’s still more of an asset to them than any real threat.

But my more realistic, angsty scenario is ‘Wei Wuxian dies from a multitude of complications - mainly golden core loss and his cultivation practices but also lack of looking after his own health, the world is still led to believe lies and stories are spun that he died from his use of demonic cultivation, making him a warning tale for others’. 

What about you, CC? Do you have any scenarios or ideas of what could have happened if things had gone differently at Qiongqi Path?

[aion-rsa]

Streaming on Plex: Best Movies and TV Shows You Can Watch for FREE in September

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This article is sponsored by Plex. You can download the Free Plex App now by clicking here!

There’s an overwhelming amount of new movies and TV shows hitting streaming services this fall. If you’re starving for new content, it’s set to be a fantastic time, but if your wallet is starving for funds, it can be pretty stressful. With studios and content providers spreading their libraries out across so many different streaming services, keeping up with all of your favorites can get expensive. Thankfully, Plex TV is here to keep you entertained without breaking the bank.

Plex is a globally available one-stop-shop streaming media service offering thousands of free movies and TV shows and hundreds of free-to-stream live TV channels, from the biggest names in entertainment, including Metro Goldwyn Mayer (MGM), Warner Bros. Domestic Television Distribution, Lionsgate, Legendary, AMC, A+E, Crackle, and Reuters. Plex is the only streaming service that lets users manage their personal media alongside a continuously growing library of free third-party entertainment spanning all genres, interests, and mediums including podcasts, music, and more. With a highly customizable interface and smart recommendations based on the media you enjoy, Plex brings its users the best media experience on the planet from any device, anywhere.

Plex releases brand new and beloved titles to its platform monthly and we’ll be here to help you identify the cream of the crop. View Plex TV now for the best free entertainment streaming and check back each month for Den of Geek Critics’ picks!

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DEN OF GEEK CRITICS’ PICKS

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

They’re the world’s most fearsome fightin’ team. They’re heroes in a half-shell and they’re green. I mean, what more do we need to say? 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is no Citizen Kane, but comic book movie fans flock to it like the four titular turtles to pizza. The film knows exactly what it is, providing cheesy one-liners, silly action, and unpretentious fun. Throwing in Will Arnett as a sidekick for April O’Neil was an inspired choice that paid dividends in laughs and whoever tapped Tony Shaloub to voice Splinter should get a pay raise. Produced by Nickelodeon Pictures, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wasn’t only the highest grossing film in the series, but also the highest grossing Nickelodeon film of all-time. This reboot of the classic ninja team helped spawn further films, new TV series, and a renewed interest in one of the most beloved comic book properties ever. Cowabunga, dude!

Noah

This isn’t your Sunday School’s Noah. Darren Aronofsky’s adaptation of the story of the biblical figure Noah is an awe-inspiring epic that takes the bones of the famous story and infuses themes about environmentalism, self-doubt, and yes, faith. Pulling liberally from texts like the Book of Enoch, the film has far more action than just leading animals onto a boat and a storm. Shot by Matthew Libatique, the movie looks absolutely gorgeous and at times can be genuinely breath-taking, but it’s not just about the visuals. Russell Crowe stuns in the title role, but the entire ensemble is great, including a post-Potter Emma Watson and a ferocious Ray Winstone. No one expected Noah to be more akin to a thought-provoking art house film than a straight-forward epic, but that’s the sort of genius you get from Aronofsky, one of the most exciting and inventive filmmakers working today. 

Shine a Light

Even if we hadn’t just lost the immortal, suave Charlie Watts, the heartbeat of rock and roll’s longest institution, The Rolling Stones, we’d still be recommending Martin Scorsese’s Shine a Light. Capturing the legendary band during their A Bigger Bang Tour in 2006, Scorsese spends a lot of the time rightfully focusing on Watts. With the camera fixated on Watts, you witness his unflappability; the way that he can make such raucous playing look so effortless. You also catch the man’s unique, jazz-influenced technique, like how he rarely hits the center of his snare, or how he changes his grip whenever he hits a cymbal. Even in their old age, the Stones are still one of the tightest, most electrifying live acts, and Shine a Light puts you right on stage with them as they barrel through one of the deepest catalogs in recorded music. It’s simply a masterful concert film.

The Virgin Suicides

Sofia Coppola likely has to deal with accusations about nepotism to this day, but anyone who saw her directorial debut The Virgin Suicides knows that Francis’ daughter would have made it as a filmmaker even without her famous last name. This haunting adaptation of Jeffrey Eugenides’ novel of the same name taps into the melancholy of childhood, the dreamlike haze of memory, and the mystery that lurks inside suburban homes. Coppola expertly captures the pull that an ethereal group of sisters have on the imaginative group of boys that pine for them in a way that is relatable for anyone that had an unrequited crush in high school. As a coming-of-age movie, it is one of a kind. As an exploration of trauma and grief, it is crushingly effective. The original score by the band Air only adds to its hypnagogic vibe. 

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School

Punk rock music and Roger Corman pictures are some of the core tenants that Den of Geek was founded on, so of course we’re going to recommend 1979’s Rock ‘n’ Roll High School, which features possibly the coolest band of all-time, The Ramones. Let our resident punk rock movie expert Jim Knipfel break it down for you:

“After producing so many dozens of teen rebellion films over the years, Corman finally hit the pinnacle, the ultimate teen rebellion picture, with the cartoon antics ratcheted up more than a few notches. There are so many bad jokes flying around, so many visual gags and film references packed into every scene, so many overwrought teen film clichés pushed way past absurd, it’s a film that demands multiple viewings. Even if “Riff Randall, rock ’n’ roller” (P.J. Soles) doesn’t look much like any punk chick I ever knew, I’m perfectly willing to accept it. And in historical terms, it really was this film more than the 4 albums they had out at the time that spread the word about The Ramones to mainstream America, and that’s worth something. Old as I am I still get a thrill every time the students and the Ramones blow up Vince Lombardi High, and anyone who doesn’t must be wrong in the head somehow.”

New on Plex in September:  

1000 Times Good Night 

13 

13 Assassins 

The Accidental Husband 

All Good Things 

Assassination of a High School President 

Awake 

Bent 

Bordertown 

Brain Dead 

Cold Mountain  

The Descent 

The Descent Part 2  

Even Money 

Fear City 

First Snow 

Freedom Writers  

Gray Matters  

The Jesus Rolls 

Johnny Was  

Keys to Tulsa  

The Legend of Bagger Vance  

Mad Money 

Marrowbone 

Murder on the Orient Express 

The Ninth Gate 

Nothing but the Truth  

Ordinary People 

Rememory  

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School  

Sanctuary  

Shine a Light  

Soul Survivors  

Taboo  

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  

The TV Set  

The Virgin Suicides  

What Doesn’t Kill You  

Winter Passing  

World Trade Center  

Catch before it leaves in September: 

31 

Absolution  

Accident Man  

Aeon Flux 

After.Life 

Angel of Death 

Answer Man 

The Bang Bang Club 

Battle Royale 

Blood and Bone 

The Broken 

Cashmere Mafia  

Child 44 

Cleaner 

Cold Comes the Night 

Coming Soon 

The Connection 

Conspiracy  

The Cookout  

Critical Condition  

Dark Crimes  

The Death and Life of Bobby Z 

Death Proof 

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star 

Downhill Racer 

Dragged Across Concrete  

The Dresser  

The Duel 

Dummy 

Flight of Fury 

Flirting with Disaster  

The Foreigner  

Goat  

Gutshot Straight  

Halloween III: Season of the Witch  

The Hard Corps  

Hesher  

High Right 

Honeymoon  

The Hunt 

I Saw the Devil 

In the Mix 

Jason and the Argonauts 

Jeff, Who Lives at Home 

Jiri Dreams of Sushi  

Joe 

Journey to the West  

Kill ‘Em All 

A Kind of Murder 

The Kite Runner 

Lake Placid 2 

Lake Placid 3 

Last Resort 

The Lazarus Project 

Misconduct 

Mr. Church 

Mutant Chronicles 

Mythica: The Godslayer 

Mythica: The Iron Clown  

Never Back Down: No Surrender 

News Radio  

Noah 

Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior  

Ong Bak: The Beginning  

The Order 

Out for a Kill 

The Outcasts  

Phantoms 

Pistol Whipped 

The Protector 

Pulse (2001) 

Reprisal  

Return to the Blue Lagoon 

The River Murders  

The Romantics 

Second in Command 

Shadow Man 

Shattered  

The Shepherd 

Southside with You 

Space Station 76 

Square Pegs 

Standoff 

Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation  

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder 

Steel Dawn 

Substitute  

The Super  

SWAT: Under Siege 

The Terminal  

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada  

Touchy Feely  

Trollhunter 

UFO 

Universal Solider: Day of Reckoning  

Vamps  

Vicky Cristina Barcelona  

Walking Tall: Lone Justice 

Warlock 

What Planet are You From?  

World’s Fastest Indian 

World’s Greatest Dad  

The Yellow Handkerchief  

Still streaming on Plex: 

2:22 

2 Days in New York 

21 Jump Street  

22 Bullets  

24 Hours to Live  

3rd Rock from the Sun 

6 Bullets  

99 Homes 

A Little Bit of Heaven 

A Walk in the Woods 

The Air I Breathe  

Alan Partridge 

ALF  

Alone in the Dark 

Amelie 

American Pastoral  

And Soon the Darkness 

Andromeda  

Are You Here 

Arthur and the Invisibles  

Awake 

Battle in Seattle 

Bernie 

Better Watch Out 

Black Death  

Blade of the Immortal 

Blitz 

The Brass Teapot 

Bronson 

The Brothers Bloom 

The Burning Plain 

But I’m a Cheerleader 

Cake  

Candy  

Catch .44 

Cell  

The Choice 

Clerks II 

Coherence  

The Collector  

Colonia  

Congo  

Cooties 

The Core 

The Cotton Club 

Crossing Lines  

Croupier  

Cube  

Cube 2 

Cube Zero 

Cyrano de Bergerac  

Death and the Maiden 

The Deep Blue Sea 

Deep Red 

Derailed 

Detachment 

The Devil’s Rejects  

Diary of the Dead 

District B13 

DOA: Dead or Alive 

Dr. T and the Women  

Eden Lake 

The Edge of Love  

The post Streaming on Plex: Best Movies and TV Shows You Can Watch for FREE in September appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[milkygcf]

All the King’s horses, all the King’s men

Pairing | myg x reader

Genre | Mystery, thriller, angst, slowburn, e2l, Gang Leader!reader, Detective!yoongi

Warnings | Graphic scenes, use of alcohol, use of drugs, gang violence, explicit language, slightly sexual scenes, social issues, major character death.

Summary | ❝ Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall- Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Even with all the King’s horses and all the King’s men, Humpty could not be put back together again. ❞

or

❝ An ambitious man caught in thorns, drowning in the delicacy of what the world truly is - a whirlpool of chaos and terror. There, he finds his bitter downfall. ❞

Word Count | 3.1k

Author’s Note | Hello! I wanted to make a quick note about this oneshot before it actually starts. Firstly, I’d like to advise whoever’s reading this that this is just a summary of the actual fic which I will be releasing - however, I have not finalised a date. Secondly, it’s a tad bit rushed and messy and I apologise if it does not reach standards. Due to my personal life, I found that it was quite difficult to find the time to write as much <3 

To end everything, I would like to thank @ficswithluv​ for welcoming me into this wonderful project! I hope you enjoy reading <3

The delicate stomping of your feet upon the gravel startles the ravens sitting by. You stop in front of a familiar tombstone, your infamous surname nicely engraved in a fancy font. Before it lay a multitude of flowers, all speedwells as to symbolise loyalty towards the man buried six feet under. It's Valentine's day, and unlike the ravishing hues of blues and purples, you had bought roses to celebrate the event. If anything, you were always the odd one out when on with your business.

You set a few speedwells down, politely placing them into one of the empty jars left out beside the other swarm. It's overwhelming, the very site of your father's name placed in such a lowly place, finally resting beside your mother. It's overwhelming how in only a small amount of time, events took a wicked turn and brought along unnecessary chaos.

You face the neighbouring slate of stone set on the right side of your family's. This one's much duller and greatly lacking in vibrancy, attention. It brings a frown to your features. It's lonely, devoid of any proper affection that one needs in order to stay remembered.

Yet, even though it's desolate, it makes you reminisce. The sight of it doesn't bring you grief - neither does it bring you melancholy. Instead, it fills your train of thought with old memories that you either want to cherish or banish completely. Where forever was once a long time, it’s now a memory. Where pinky promises were depicted as something precious, you now notice that they were nothing but white lies to conceal the truth.

You’d learned this the hard way.

It’s truly surprising how so much can happen in the span of a year, how so many things are able to change and leave dead skin behind. The world is a delicacy of chaos and terror. Time offers only to take. It’s an ancient form of evil and you’ve grown to despise it for it works.

Now you’re left empty, shattered and dull. No longer do you symbolise the purity of a child whose eyes shimmered with innocence, with colour. When you thought you had already grown, you put yourself through trauma. And with a series of unfortunate events, you’ve finally, truly come to understand the world for what it truly is.

Beside you, a wounded soul whom you haven’t seen in such a long time laces his fingers with yours. He draws soothing circles into your skin and you finally breathe. Through thick and thin, you find yourselves here, together, breathing.

Maybe, there is hope for blemished souls like yours.

You met the unusual man at a bar. Although back then, you had no idea what really lied underneath the thick layer of skin that he dawned. The bartender had offered the both of you drinks, pointing out how utterly exhausted the two of you looked. That sparked up small talk – simple, small talk.

Until you were both sharing breaths in a bathroom stall, holding onto each other almost as if your lives depended on it. Every touch of his that settled on your skin burned, the pieces of fabric that your body dawned felt way too heavy. Your fingers were tangled in his hair, teeth biting down on his lip. His hands were on your hips, pulling you closer and closer onto his body until the warmth that was radiating off him made both of you break out.

Both your minds were hazy, your mouths tasted like a mixture of vodka and whiskey. It left a bitter feeling on your tongues. You were so lost in the feeling, the warmth that spread through you and shut out all your concerns.

His hands were playing with the zipper of your dress, fumbling hastily as to waste no time. It was almost funny how men could get so impatient. You were both speaking in tongues, merely pulling back to catch your breaths. His left leg was pushed right against your core making you more sensitive than your own good. You were grinding down on him, moans tumbling out of your mouth as they were muffled into the kiss.

Maybe it was just a moment’s talk, but even though you were barely doing anything, the feeling was euphoric.

He was trailing wet kisses down your neck, giving you the chance to finally catch your breath. Your skin was bruising, your core was pooling, and you were losing sense of reality. His hands were running all over you, making you feel something much greater than pleasure from a simple touch.

It all came to a stop at the sound of his phone ringing aggressively in his pockets, leaving you huffing out in annoyance. He didn’t just leave it and continue with his business; he fished the phone out of his pocket and stormed out of the stall while fixing himself up. There was no “excuse me,” or “I really have to take this.” He just stormed out of the room as if nothing was going on. It left you livid.

Park Jimin, your right-hand man, had to pick you up that night – helped you with your frustrations and worries, held you until you slept and didn’t wake up until dawn.

You were glad to think that you wouldn’t ever see him again, just a one-time failed fling in a population full of many. But your career begged to differ, as about a month or so after, he turned up to a meeting you held, custom-made for new recruits. Never will you forget the surprise on his face, when he found out that you were, indeed, the leader of the cartel. You, a normal woman at the bar, drinking her sorrows away in hopes they’d simmer and give her peace.

Although, you’d like to think there was something else beneath that surprise.

“A woman, as the leader of the sickest cartels in all South Korea?” One of the recruits spoke, a bitter tone hanging on his tongue. “How the fuck is it supposed to stay put?”

It was true that you had no idea how things were supposed to go in the industry – your father never really let you merge yourself with his world. But now, your father lay in a casket six feet under after being found dead in a ditch. You couldn’t really put it in a simpler way, but the only thing you could really say is you refuse to recreate an old nursery rhyme your mother used to tell you when you were just a toddler.

Nothing will stop you from reigning and getting back at whoever slaughtered your plans. You weren’t ready to tolerate anything in your way.

Hence why you didn’t hesitate to make Jimin shoot a bullet through his head, even if it terrified you just the slightest bit. But that was a different story.

Of course, it was no surprise. Women were still thought to be such fragile beings, not being able to handle anything. Once you stepped on top for the throne, you refused to let that put you down. “If any of you dimwits even so much as think about saying stupid shit like that again, I won’t hesitate to decapitate you.”

Jimin always kept his word. Because for the next year or so, whoever even uttered a single word about your command in the cartel faced death. You were never there to see it – Seokjin and Jimin made sure you knew everything that occurred, though.

On the other hand, there was that man you met at the bar. If it was possible, he would’ve disintegrated under your gaze. The dislike you had towards him was surely something grand, and to glitter it up a bit, he seemed to share the same feelings towards you too. Of course, in your defense, he had no reason to.

You weren’t the one who ditched in the middle of a make-out session.

Min Yoongi – he was something. A no one, but something, nonetheless. Ever since you saw him lined up with the other recruits, you’ve had your eye on him. As dumb as he acted, the man was cunning. Just what the cartel needed. Despite acting scared, like everything is all new, you felt as if it was nothing to him – almost as if it was all just a mask to conceal his true intentions. Although, you had no proof to this, so you let these accusations simmer.

His tale was cliché. He needed money but he didn’t have the qualifications to get a job. So, he joined the mafia, a very dirty place to get what you want. You ran background checks on him, just in case, and you found nothing of danger to all of you.

With a few weeks of training, Yoongi was fully accepted into the group and was one of Seokjin’s right-hand men.  

Passing by him in corridors, sitting in the same room with him, even hearing his name made your blood boil. It was unexplainable, but the feeling was mutual. Back then, if he disliked you, then it would only be fair if you disliked him as well. 

The tension was incredibly thick between you two, much that it left others uncomfortable whenever you were in each other’s presence. It was unbearable.

There was this incident once – you remember it like the back of your hand.

Seokjin had sent him to your office to deliver the newest packages that would determine how briskly your newest job was going to go. Despite begging the elder to send someone else as to avoid the awkward tension, the man refused.

The next morning, the raven-haired man was waiting by your door, box in hand. It took you a minute or so of plainly staring at him, observing the way his fingers twitch on the item, the way his eyes squint at you almost as if you were going to swallow him whole. It was quiet. No one said a word until you both entered your office.

“I didn’t think I’d see you again, as a fucking mafia leader.” he said.

“Ta mère ne t'a jamais dit de ne pas faire confiance aux étrangers?” you responded fluently, the accent rolling down your tongue briskly. Yoongi had no clue what you said, hence why you huffed and translated for him.

“I’m pretty sure your mother has warned you about strangers at least once in her life, no?” Your tone was calm, soft and delicate.

“She has. I didn’t think it’d happen with you though.”

You crossed your arms over your chest and rested against your desk. “Oh? I apologise then, even though I don’t recall being the one who’s acting arrogant.” As someone below you, he had to show decency, or he’d be thrown out with the dogs. “Arrogant?” he snarled lowly, plummeting down on one of the cushioned chairs placed in front of your mahogany desk. “You’re the one who’s been acting like a bitch all this time.”

“Best watch your tongue before I throw you out,”

“Do it then.”

He was faced with a gun to his head. You glared; finger firmly set on the trigger as you stared directly at him. No way were you going to let him get away with such a disrespectful attitude. He didn’t flinch, neither did he blink. He just stared back at you, slowly shoving his hands in the pockets of his tattered jacket.

“Don’t test me, Min.”

“You wouldn’t do it.”

Once those words tumbled out of his lips, you stiffened. Of course, you’d do it, why wouldn’t you?

“You put on a strong, independent persona but you can barely manage yourself.”

His words are what water is to fire. How dare he talk to you like that? Had he no fucking decency? Did he really want a bullet to pierce his skin in order to start seeing some sense?

“I have no idea what you’re saying.”

“Oh, I think you do. That’s you, isn’t it?” His head bobbed towards the painting behind you – the Ses Peines Pleurant Es, a painting your mother had created back in her days. It depicted the both of you against the world, against the pure wickedness you were forced to grow up in. There’s darkness, but in contrast to it, there’s you as a new-born dawned in white.

“What makes you think that?”

The metal felt cold against his skin and Yoongi couldn’t help but shiver. “That painting’s been missing for years, and now that it’s here, it has to be yours.” he spoke calmly, “And frankly, I don’t think I’ve seen someone wear that much white before.”

You looked down at your clothes, all white with no signs of any other hue. It was crazy, truly, but you don’t remember wearing any other colour growing up. Your mother always dressed you up in just white, telling you that you look best in it. You just never really took mind to the resemblance your fashion sense had with the painting.

“Must be a coincidence,” you hummed, lowering the gun down to his chest. “For which I think is none of your business.”

Yoongi only hummed in response. There was a strict silence between the two of you then, before you sent him back to whatever duties Seokjin set on his shoulders. That was one of the encounters you had before things started taking a slight twist.

An infiltration in the Children’s Medical Clinic of Seoul, where one of the doctors was the main leads to what exactly brought your father’s downfall. You remember how ruthless Yoongi was that day, mercilessly shooting at the man without hesitation, without sparing a single breath. It was crazy, hell, it was mad, but you enjoyed it. That only meant strength to the cartel, and that’s exactly what you wanted.

Although, you won’t ever forget the pained screams of children roaring in panic, the sudden stiffness in Min when the man dropped dead and painted the bleached tiles red.

From then on, the hate you harboured towards each other started to simmer. Seokjin and Jimin had noticed this when Yoongi started becoming more obedient, less cocky with the way he formed his words.

To you, this was relief.

But then things started to advance, the two of you started getting closer and before you knew it, you were having affairs late at night. When everyone else was at their respective homes, you were under silken sheets, legs entangled with Yoongi’s. You’d play with his soft locks as he told you his deepest, darkest secrets. He’d tell you his fears, what he’s always wanted to become ever since he was a toddler.

And you’d listen. You’d listen intently until both of you fell asleep, and you’d rake your brain until you unraveled what all the information you ate up meant.

Jimin started getting suspicions – he found pills in Yoongi’s house. There was no labelling on them, and you didn’t think asking him would somehow enlighten the situation. To make it far more interesting, later you found a multitude of phone numbers scribbled on a piece of paper in his pockets.

Yoongi started becoming strange.

He’d tell you things you were skeptical of, he’d do things you deemed abnormal. And then, he started telling you how someone was out to get you, and how one day he would be famous, people would talk about him wherever he passed by.

You’ve known Yoongi for a year – enough to tell that he was not the man he was before. He wasn’t so mental, he wasn’t a paranoid freak, neither was he so ambitious. Yoongi was just a normal man who needed something to do.

But then, he started talking in his sleep. Words tumbling out of his mouth one by one, telling you who he truly was, the man behind the façade he’d been showing you every day.  Jimin was never one to lie.

There was someone out to get you and it was him. He’d been a wolf in sheep’s clothing, getting closer to you in order to gain information to bring your very downfall. He revealed every little plan, every hidden camera scattered across the base, all managed by none other than the police department.

Humpty Dumpty had the King’s men to aid him, piece him back up and help him up the wall. But you, you had no one.

The man who had shown you what white truly meant, what innocence and happiness felt like, what being normal truly tasted of. Your first and your last love. Min Yoongi, the man who wrapped his hands around your heart and took advantage of what was bare.

Perhaps that was why your mother always teased you about being careful when dealing with boys.

You reminisce how it all went down on Valentine’s Day. How the waves hugged the shore lovingly, being complimented nicely by the dim light of the moon dawning on your silhouettes hand in hand. He felt cold. Yoongi felt distant.

A sweet, passionate kiss was shared that night. It filled you with false hope, chills. It painted a faulty picture in your head of what could have been but hadn’t been. That night, you held him close and held him dearly.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Your toes curled in the damp particles of the sand. Your fingers fell limp. “I love you most,” You muttered back, your lips trailing faint kisses across his neck. When you pulled back, you observed him. Yoongi had never looked so vulnerable in all the times you’ve faced him. Although, even if he was torn, in that very moment to you he was beautiful.

You remember the screeching of birds once you pulled the trigger, your skin and dress then painted in crimson. You remember the sheer surprise scattered across his face until he offered you a gentle smile and collapsed.

“Jour de la Saint-Valentin heureux, mon amour.”

You no longer wore white.

 ---

His name is engraved quite nicely on his tombstone. It still saddens you how barren it looks, devoid of any attention. Hence why you gently set the bouquet of flowers down, bowing your head in respect towards the man who brought you to a new world.

You’ll cherish his presence in your memories instead of forgetting them.

Even if Yoongi left without truly accomplishing his mission, without truly becoming what his desires were, he was deemed dead in vain.

Macbeth let his ambition eat him whole and it led him to his very downfall – the terror of seeing himself crumble and lose power.

Yoongi also was too over-ambitious for his own good. He let himself succumb to the control you were merely lending him, only to suffer the consequences and face his own undoing.

After all, Humpty Dumpty could never really be put back together again.

 “Happy Valentine’s day, my love.”

[wyattvsmusic]

H.E.R. - Back Of My Mind ALBUM REVIEW

Within such a short amount of time, H.E.R. has done so much. It was only 2017 when she put out her first series of short EPs of R&B vibes under her mysterious pseudonym. These EPs eventually were collected onto a compilation album that was nominated for album of the year that the Grammys. The same goes for her subsequent compilation of her I Used To Know Her EP series that was also nominated for multiple Grammys. H.E.R. has made such an impact with these EPs without technically putting out her actual debut album even though she has quite the catalog and has all kinds of accolades under her belt. I think she is so talented and amazing at what she does but my biggest gripe with her music has been that although it’s great, I was always looking for a bit more variety. I’m not expecting H.E.R. to change her sound entirely with each release and I really don’t want her to either but I just have been wanting her to showcase multiple sides of her talents because we see her on TV performances singing her heart out and absolutely shredding on the guitar but that hasn’t really actually come up on much of her music and I was definitely looking for that on her debut album which seemed promising from the beginning of the rollout for this album which has been quite odd. For an artist that has gained so much in a short span of time and is a huge artist on a major label that is so big without an actual album, the rollout was odd because for a while, H.E.R. was just putting out random loose singles without any promotion. Some of those songs ended up on this album and some on movie soundtracks while the rest are just standalone tracks that are still great. The variety I was looking for was there in those singles and it is here on this album like I wanted (to a degree). Right from the jump, H.E.R. starts singing really well and we finally hear that guitar that she sounds so great over on We Made It. The way she and Ty Dolla $ign’s vocals sound stacked on top of each other on the following track made it an instant favorite. From there, this album goes in a lot of different directions, mainly because it is so long. The length of this album is also the main issue that I have with it. It diminishes its replay value as well as the variety in its standout tracks because a lot of the filler tracks sound very similar. There are a bunch of songs that are still good but not favorites while some others don’t really resonate with me, such as Find A Way with Lil Baby and Slide with YG. Those songs are just not what I want from H.E.R. What I do think is good about this album being so long is that we do get to hear a lot of different sides of H.E.R. like how her compilations are usually sequenced where there are different tones and subjects throughout the tracklist. We see the more hurt side of H.E.R. on songs like Trauma and Cheat Code, which sound so different from each other. Cheat Code is easily one of the best songs on the album. Like I said, there are different kinds of H.E.R. songs and Cheat Code is the kind of H.E.R. I like the most. The same goes for Hold On and Don’t which are two incredible songs that make the last leg of the album the strongest. She doesn’t try many new sounds on this album which I like because she’s so great at what she does but there are some different moments that do work very well such as Bloody Waters with Thundercat. It taps into a different era of R&B that we are used to hearing from H.E.R. as she often leans into this new 2010s/2020s sound that she’s known for. One track that surprised the shit out of me was I Can Have It All with DJ Khaled and Bryson Tiller because of how great it was. H.E.R. and Bryson have made good songs before but the songs on Khaled’s new album that have H.E.R. on it were really bad so I was expecting more of We Going Crazy but I Can Have It All was amazing. She sings the hook with a certain conviction in her voice that sounds even more powerful when the beat comes in, making it a clear album highlight. Back Of My Mind may be a very long album, which has it’s major weaknesses and a lot of strengths but H.E.R. really did give us a bit of everything that makes her great and while I may not love everything about it, she gave us different parts of herself and her sound which is exactly what I was looking for.

Fav Tracks: We Made It, Back Of My Mind, Bloody Waters, Cheat Code, Hold On, Don’t, I Can Have It All

[theteenygemthief]

The Things That Weigh On You: Chapter 3

Rating: Explicit   |   Word Count: 4077  |  My Hero Academia | HawksxOCxDabi

Warning: The Things That Weigh On You features Sexual Themes, Violence, Drug abuse and touches on topics of personal trauma, mental illness and assault. Reader discretion is advised.

Credits: The image of Hawks is a screenclip from the anime. 

It’s just as easy to justify being a hero when everyone excuses your actions with the amount of glamour and power that comes with it. The media covers all of your triumphs and failures. You get endorsements. It’s almost second to being an A-List celebrity. But what happens when hero’s fall and suddenly, the justification leaves? What happens when ones own inflated ego gets the better of them and how do they bounce back from the rubble?

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The rise and fall...

      He had been watching from a distance in interest as their fingers interlaced with one and other. A curious yet dissatisfied glint shimmered in his eye as he leaned against a telephone pole with feigned relaxation. The bullet train that had arrived earlier had long since sped away and the announcer had been making her afternoon calls. His lips pulled into a thin line and he could feel himself bristling as his brows pinched together. His downy mess of sleeked back blond hair moved with the breeze as crimson feathers were near difficult to keep in one place. When he went to his old prison, he had crept in through the window, seeing that she had still kept his room clean, still setting his favorite books out to read as if he were going to be studying for some big exam. He saw how she tried to keep things the way she thought he liked them. She did the same things for her little sister, despite her leaving some time ago. As if it would be enough to bring both of them back.

    Edith, had always referred to him as though he were a little brother.

For a while, he ran with it to make her happy. He didn't mind. Hell, he even thought it would be a great idea for him to stop in after four years to show how big of a name he had made for himself. Make his supposed adopted older sister proud of him by saying “Hey look, I'm a big deal now!”, and what a better way to do that than showing up as a surprise guest at a gala? If only he'd known the extent of his emotions when he saw her standing at the balcony with a glass of champagne in hand. Her Crimson eyes staring over the veranda in deep thought as the light from the inside reflected off of the rhinestones of her midnight colored mermaid gown. Her lips had been painted red for the occasion and her arms had been covered in lace opera gloves. Open caplet sleeves and a bare neck and single ponytail adorned with pearls and crystals gave a regal air about her. Almost like the stories about the queens or goddesses they would read together when they were young.

    If he could laugh at himself.

The man he had seen her with had been far beneath her league with his leopard print suit and tacky alligator shoes. Yet her calm and calculated demeanor with him at least meant that she tolerated the bastard. He wasn't hardly a notable hero to say the least. Just some schmuck with an extension quirk and nothing more. Someone who was prone to get handsy if one wasn't too careful, and yet he felt that she had completely and totally forgotten about him. So he decided it would be best to dip out without a hello, stop in and say hi to little sister Daphne and be on his merry way.

As it turned out, the man had been a renowned serial killer and it had put Edith in a kill or be killed situation, where she had to resort to defensive execution. The police wouldn't have gotten there on time to find her alive. Pictures from that same night spread all over the news over the span of three days. “Susanoo Kills” or “The Fall of Fukuoka's Battle Queen”. The paparazzi went into a complete and utter frenzy attempting to obtain details of the incident and why a pro hero resorted to murder rather than call the police. She was a small town hero who lived under his old handlers big name. And after it all died down, he found himself watching as her little sister left. Leaving her to come back hours later to find a note that was left on the dining room table. And he would watch as she left the note, pour herself a drink, come back to it and read it again, leave it on the table, repeat. Until finally, watching her had become too painful.

   She fell as he rose.

   And he wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel dirty or proud.

His thoughts were pulled back to the present as he watched Dabi pull Edith close and he straightened. He could feel his irises shrink to thin rings as he beheld the sight of the taller of the two claiming her lips and watching her melt into them. He could feel his breath catch and his heart race as he proceeded to stand and watch intently at the two. His distance wouldn't blow his cover to say the least but the ache that he felt, the sting was beyond what he had been used to.

   “Ed...” He whimpered. “Ed, what are you doing?”

The winged hero Hawks could feel his face twist into a tight grimace as his teeth clenched. Every fiber of his being told him to look away, yet he still stared at the two in the distance. Watching. Waiting for something to happen. He knew Edith was a person of her own convictions. He was fully aware of her need for independence. And if this situation was forced, she would make a move. She would punch him. Stab him. Do something. Anything.

   Nothing.

And as he watched as another bullet train pulled in, he could see the intimacy in both of their eyes. The intimacy that he so desperately desired. He continued to watch as Edith turned, only to be pulled into what seemed to be another earth shattering kiss. He felt himself grow week as her knees buckled and Dabi entered the train with her, there was need in her eyes as she looked at him and Hawks continued to feel an ever growing twinge of jealousy. Wishing that he was the one who could do that.

   But he digressed.

He wouldn't get into something like that for a while. Instead, he would bide his time and see where the path ahead would lead him.

      She was pushed into the bathroom stall as greedy fingers trailed beneath the hem of her shorts. Hungry kisses consumed her throat and collar bone as a familiar click could be heard from behind her companion. His eyes were ablaze with a bestial need that longed to be quelled from their earlier encounter in the shower and the low rumble in his chest only signified the urgency of his desire. She parted her lips to say something, yet all words were chased away when his lips crashed against hers in a searing kiss. Soon, Edith's jacket would be stripped away. Her black turtleneck crop top would be nudged over her breasts with the black lace bralette she wore beneath, and she would be fighting everything in her power not to make a sound as Dabi slowly sunk between her thighs. Her back arched as his tongue slowly dragged along her inner folds, teasing her entrance for just a brief moment as he balanced her quaking body on his shoulders. His voice emitted vibrations against her clit  as he growled, encircling his tongue around the nerve.

   “Look at you,” He teased. “You are trying so hard not to come undone. You have fallen so far and yet you still worry so much about your image, little girl.”

Edith's eyes flared with mild irritation as her fingers dug into her companions scalp. She knew he was making attempts to get to her. See what made her angry. She knew the psychological evaluations that he had performed on her during their conversations were far from judgmental, but they had still been irritating. He wanted her as more than just a casual fuck buddy and she wouldn't deny that the feeling was mutual. Their relationship had been developing for a while, and he had challenged her. She still feared the day he would decide it wasn't worth coming back. Decided that she wasn't good enough or that she wasn't worth his salt.

Her thighs tightened around his head as she hummed lowly, pressing her hips tighter against his maw and seething as he accepted her.

   “Not all of us are born without expectations, Cinders.” She mocked, bucking her hips harder and throwing her head back as his teeth grazed the nerve again.

He wasn't going to correct Edith on the expectations bit. There was no point. He wasn't going to tell her about his childhood or his father. He had made a point of reinventing himself to set himself apart from it all. So instead, he rolled with her punches in this instant. Grinning to himself about how adorable he felt her momentary ignorance was. She would eventually learn about his past, yet that would come about at a later time. Depending on whether or not the situation required it. Dabi pulled away as he felt her quake against him, knowing full well how close she was and set her back on the floor, steadying her against him as he knelt down to pull her panties and shorts back up. He with held a teasing laugh as she whined at him to continue and looked up at her with a raised brow. Did she really think she was going to be let off the hook for her assumptions that easily? He slowly rose and towered over her, sealing his lips against hers for a brief moment so that she may taste herself.

   “I don't plan on finishing until we get back to your place, fangs.” He crooned. “Consider it punishment for mouthing off to me.”

    The house had nearly been encased in a shroud of darkness as Dabi and Edith crept in through the back. Doing their best to avoid attention from prying eyes. During their trek, it had been obvious that someone had been following them. The occasional flurry of fabric or movement in the corner of their eye had set them on edge, and the fire starter of the two knew that he couldn't return home for the evening. Edith did not mind at all.

   “Relax.” She reassured.

   “I can't.” he argued.

He stared out her bedroom window as she lit candles in the background. He'd been watching her from the reflection of the glass and doing his best to keep it a secret. Her bedroom had been minimalist to say the least. She kept a coffee table in the middle of the space to entertain guests or close herself off from the world. He wondered how often she closed herself off. How many bad days or weeks she'd had when he wasn't around? He couldn't focus on what they had been doing earlier knowing that she had let her fall get the better of her. Sometimes, he wondered if she felt any conviction to being a villain. Vigilante had been a strong maybe for her. She didn't have it in her to blatantly kill anyone based on their conversations. She was still too much of a goodie good. As much as it annoyed him, it was sweet that she tried. His eyes wandered down to the garden, watching as a couple took the back road home in deep conversation. Had he been able to live a normal life, that might have been him and the woman behind him. The idea of the two walking home arm in arm, deep in conversation on the way home from the grocery store, possibly expecting a child on the way as they hypothesized the quirks they would have was a fantasy that could only afford to be lived in a dream.

   Villains didn't get that reality.

    SMACK!

The sound in and of itself was enough to start a small fire in the bedroom as he jumped and spun on his heal. His hands cast aflame while his cool blue irises glowed with white hot embers. He had been ready to kill in that moment, only to find Edith's hand curled into a fist around a rolled up KEIRA magazine. Her fists had paled along with the rest of her body as if she had seen a ghost.

   “What happened?”

   “I had to kill a roach.”

Suddenly, all of the tension he had been holding on to had disappeared as he saw his former fuck buddy, now lover, standing like an actual god of war over the corpse of a roach.And the sound that escaped from him had been far from human.

       He spun around in circles as he moved to and fro in his swivel chair. His agency had been calling him several times to receive updates regarding his entry into the League of Villains and it was safe to report that no one had suspected him of anything. At least, so long as he was able to maintain that lie. One person in particular had recognized him and she had been standing behind one of their lieutenants in the shower as her eyes met his. He recalled how the curve of her hips had barely stuck out from behind Dabi as he tucked her protectively in the corner. Something told him that if the Fallen Hero Susanoo had been co-mingling with the league, he would have orders to kill her. He knew just how fast his quirk worked compared to hers, and just how intimately it would effect her if she dared to turn it on him. Then he would have no choice.

His fingers rapped on the edge of the computer desk as he tried to make sense of everything. Tried to figure out how to remove her from the equation in a way where she wouldn't get hurt. Otherwise, he would have to make a decision as to whether or not it was worth being a superhero himself.

   “You seem rather transfixed on the files in front of you, boy.”

There it was. The voice he had been dreading all night. He turned to face a man who had been an idol to him since he was small and smiled gleefully, acting as though he had been greeting an old friend as he slowly stood. In comparison the man stood at about six foot four and the fire that he donned on his suit could easily be used as a torch in a dark cave. Perhaps an ignition for a gas pocket if he trekked deep enough. But in that moment, his cold blue eyes were trained on reading him. Looking for a hole that he might have failed to cover up as he looked around the room. His spiked red hair added a menacing touch to his demeanor as he towered over him with folded arms.

    “I'm just planning my movements four steps ahead, Endeavor.” He replied, coolly. “With this type of organization you can never be too careful. The information they have is valuable and could potentially cost thousands of people their lives.”

Personally he wished he could turn his back on those people. He didn't understand what the point was in protecting a public who treated you like a damn movie star when you did absolutely nothing for them in their daily lives. Matter of fact, his public face was nothing more than a farce to keep up appearances for the top ten. It may as well have been a pissing match to see who was better at being a self righteous asshole.

   “I noticed that you've been to Fukuoka, recently.”

   “I have.”

There was a long pause that had run his blood cold. He knew what the other pro hero was about to ask as he did his best to keep his mask on.

   “Did you pay her a visit?”

Hawks could feel his stomach turn and twist as the trick question fell upon him. He had to think of an answer as quickly as possible to avoid suspicion, or some sort of confused reaction. He didn't want to bring up what he saw by the train station earlier in the day, nor did he want to confide in a man who could incinerate him right then and there.

   “Who?” He asked, keeping a stupid smile on his face.

If playing the fool could fan the flames of rage on a man who only very recently took the top of the hero's roster any more than it did in that instant, he would make it a personal hobby of his. Endeavor was so easy to manipulate in to a state of frustration, and like a jenga tower, his composure was so easy to set off balance. Unfortunately, the smaller of the two men facing eachother was not so easily swayed. He could keep a clueless smile on his face while knowing exactly what he was doing in the midst of danger, all the while his opponent would reveal their hand in thinking he wouldn't use it to his advantage.

So as the flame hero threatened to torch the entire room to ashes, the avian took note of the fire extinguisher in reach.

   “Takeda Nonoka's grand daughter, you stupid little...” Endeavor trailed off in a flurry of growls and curses at the smaller man.

   “Don't remember her.” Hawks said blankly.

   “Fallen hero, Susanoo.”

   “Nope.”

He really didn't know why they continued referring to her as Fallen Hero. She had stated in several interviews that she had killed in self defense. He watched as reporters hounded scoop after scoop on the matter, given that the serial killer she had executed was also a superhero.

   “Bah!” The older man finally grunted, leaving without another word.

Hawks listened carefully as his stomps disappeared down the hall and waited at least an hour before leaving.

He needed a reprieve.

     Edith slowly wandered up and down the aisle, collecting ingredients for a stew she had learned how to make when she was young. It was simple, nothing too big and was easy to send Dabi home with while leaving enough for leftovers. Hopefully no one would try and take his food. She remembered sending him home with lamb curry one evening and received a message more than two hours later regarding him having to make it again himself. And when she hadn't responded he had called her ten minutes later to apologize for not eating the food she'd sent him home with. And now, he was waiting for her to get back home with the ingredients and asking if she wanted him to prep anything, or clean any important dishes. It was a temporary paradise that she could live with.

Temporary being till the moment he went back on his words.

   “Don't forget the eggplant.” came a voice.

   “Oh believe me.” She said without thinking. “Grams would kill me if I forgot the eggplant.”

   “And the potatoes?”

   “Already at home.”

She turned to the person speaking to her with a smile, only for it to fade into the abyss. A woman just a few inches taller stood beside her as long wavy black hair fell over her shoulders. Her white trench coat hung down to the middle of her calves as black heeled boots lifted her heel just an inch off the ground. Brown eyes studied her intently as she peered past black spectacles at the older of the two. Her calm demeanor ensuring that no one would pay attention unless the younger of the two made a scene. The basket in Edith's arm nearly fell and as she moved to catch it, she looked up again and the woman was gone. Every muscle in her body had tensed. She wasn't sure how to react and her mind had filled with questions. Questions that would follow her until she sat down for dinner.

She knew Dabi had been watching her. Picking her apart like some science experiment in a psyche ward that continued to make the same mistakes over and over. Perhaps the issue was her. Maybe she was the reason why so many people went away. And if that was the case, how could she change it? How could she turn herself around and make herself more likable? Were there likable villains? No, if there were, they would be endorsed by big corporations and given assignments like heroes were. Her fingers clutched at the table cloth as her mind pondered why a woman she hadn't seen in years had suddenly been showing up after so long. Why would she appear at a grocery store of all places and how did she possibly know that Edith was there? These sorts of things raised questions as to what she needed all of her life. Or if being a villain was a birthright of hers.

   “Fuck.” She cursed.

     Her hands covered her face as she tried to hold back all the emotions that had been hitting her in that instant. Another hand had gently landed on her arm and though she didn't dare herself to look up, at least some semblance of relief washed over a part of her.

   Screams had echoed throughout the building as bodies littered the ruins of her hometown. Bomb sirens sounded off, she had been hiding beneath what remained of a fallen building and her heart had been racing. Crashing and explosions could be heard in the distance as she was currently one of the standing few. A ringing noise in her ear caught her attention as laughter mixed in with the sounds of someone screaming. Fire and ash entered her view and her heart began to race. She couldn't use her quirk. She had no weapons or anything to defend herself against her unknown adversary. And she grit her teeth as she felt helpless with the whole situation.

“Look out!” Cried a voice.

Edith barely had time to think as a force sped into her side, lifting her out of harms way and stealing her breath altogether. Shock had begun to overtake her. She was only a small time superhero who had little experience with life or death situations. She knew the reality of it all, she understood, but she had never had to deal with a situation so intense.

“I'm here.” The same voice reassured. “Just hold on to me, okay?”

Her breath began to settle as she nodded and looked up, the sun flashing in her eyes.

     She was whimpering in her sleep again. It was times like these where he felt helpless and incapable of doing anything. When she had returned, something had very obviously shaken her and he knew it. You can't shake quarts without chipping at its roots. And his lips drew into a thin line as to what exactly her roots were. He knew that her mother was a supervillain who expressly showed little interest in her development, though nothing that her grandmother couldn't make up for. However, unlike him, her trauma came at a later date. A later time and even though she had decided to become a hero as a child, the psychological damage she had gone through was pretty apparent. As for the physical...well, based on her scars, he could see that she had barely been through the ringer. Yet there were still those who could sweet talk their way out of a situation or be a complete and total wise ass where it was inappropriate.

He guessed she did quite a deal of sweet talking.

His icy blue eyes landed on a discoloration on the back of her shoulder and his mind slowly tried to make sense of it. As he ran his thumb over the mark, he had found that the skin in the area had smoothed over and thickened just slightly over time. Not like a flesh wound, but like a burn scar. Dabi's eyes narrowed into slits.

   “Was this the intent to punish or the means to kill?” he mused.

Sure, he'd seen the mark many times before. No one would even notice it just by a passing glance, and he had been certain that she'd forgotten all about it. He knew full well that he couldn't stop her from whatever decisions lay ahead. She would drink his blood and kick his ass with his own fire if he tried. But in the very least, he could dress the wounds and even stay beside her as she healed. That would at least be enough, wouldn't it?

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Chapters:

P-1, CH2, CH3

[iwillsithereandtrytocontribute]

Solus

Pairings: None

Warnings: Nightmares, parent death (past, not described in detail),

Masterlist Ao3

Spoilers for the Rome Arc

I’ve been having a lot of Feelings about Sasha, Rome, and the letters so have this. I’m planning on having a sort of series follow-up, but we’ll see how I much I get done of that. 

Some quick notes: 

1. The title "Solus" is Latin for alone. 2. There's some Latin interspersed in the text, it should be translated right after. If not, please let me know. 3. My personal headcanon is that Sasha did name a kid Brock and just didn't mention it because none of the people receiving this letter actually knew Brock.

Enjoy :)

Sasha Rackett has had her life torn apart a thousand times, a thousand ways. She’s lost her parents, her friends, her rivals, her mentors, and everyone in between. Growing up in Other London though, you learn to be tough. To have a thick skin so that if you can’t dodge the knives they still can’t leave a mark.

Nothing could have prepared her for this. So much has happened in the span of three days. She went to Rome, saved Beaming Gusset and the other hostages, time traveled, lost her friend, and watched the fall of Rome in real time. And here she is trudging along in the countryside that surrounds what was once Rome. The gutted empty shell she’d seen 2,000 years in the future now that the dragons had had their fill of revenge.

Sasha is not alone for once, though sometimes she can’t quite decide if it’s a blessing or a curse. She thinks maybe somewhere in the middle. She’s grown used to being around company, even just those few friends, the past couple months. Gods, it’s only been a month or two since she left London behind, likely forever. Does London even exist now?

Cicero follows doggedly behind her. It’s his turn to hold the kid. Sasha couldn’t save everyone. Hell, she could barely save anyone, but they couldn’t ignore the child they found, half buried under the rubble. Somehow he had survived. And somehow they had found him. Sasha couldn’t save everyone, she couldn’t save Grizzop, but she could save him. 

Cicero looked up to catch Sasha’s eye and she realized with a start that she’d been staring at him. She nodded at him awkwardly and he nodded back. 

“Water?” Sasha asked, forgetting where she was for a minute. “Um, right sorry,” she continued seeing Cicero’s confused expression. “Right. Á-áqua? Right? Or is that Spanish,” Sasha mused to herself. Judging from the change in Cicero’s expression she’d gotten it right. He carefully laid the kid down and took the water skin as Sasha offered it.

As he drank, Sasha took stock of their combined injuries. Cicero is looking a lot better than he did yesterday, even going on with no sleep as they are. His main injuries were healed by the potion and he had gotten over the shock well enough. Sasha had had worse. And the kid probably had some head trauma, fading in and out of consciousness like he was. So all in all, they might look like hell, but they were surviving. 

“Témpus?” Sasha tried in her broken Latin. The potions they’d taken back in Rome had long since worn off, leaving a language gap with a thin bridge across, held up by the few Latin lessons she had taken back when Barret had sent her to Upper London for “an education.”

Cicero held up 4 fingers. “Quáttuor hóra.” 4 hours. Sasha nodded and took a deep breath. She took the water skin back and hooked it onto her belt. She counted her daggers obsessively, checking and double-checking that her spring-loaded wrist sheaths were loaded. Finally satisfied, she lifted the kid as gently as she could, muscles screaming in protest as she lifted him, and continued in the direction Cicero had pointed in as they left the destruction of Rome. 

“I know a place,” he had said. “This way.” Sasha had followed because what else could she do? She was alone, alone, as out of her element as it was possible to be. So she followed.

It took them just over 5 hours to reach the house. The villa really. It was large, with wide sprawling grounds and tall pillars that surrounded the courtyards. Sasha slumped slightly with relief. Here was a place to rest, if only for a little while. 

Cicero gestured her inside, staggering in behind her, his legs weak beneath the kid’s weight. He wasn’t particularly large, but they had been trading him off for hours with little to no rest. They had been too anxious to get away from Rome. Sasha didn’t know much about the fall of Rome, and certainly if the dragons had decided to pick off the few people who had escaped the city no one would have known about it regardless. Cicero seemed to share her anticipation if not her thought process, and had agreed without question not to sleep for the night. 

Sasha sighed, rubbing her forehead. She was going to have to learn Latin wasn’t she? 

She made sure the kid was taken care of. The villa seemed pretty empty, but she trusted Cicero a moderate amount at this point. Something about living through an apocalyptic event with someone makes you want to trust him. Sasha would not be surprised to learn later that the villa was owned by a rich family. All of whom were in Rome at the time of its fall. At its center. The chances of their survival were slim to none. They did not turn up to reclaim their home.

Finding a room for the kid, she’s started calling him Brock in her head, was easy. Sasha sits in a chair across from the bed, intending to keep an eye on him for just a little while. It wouldn’t do for him to wake up alone. Sasha has woken up alone before.

The dark she loves so much, suddenly pressing in close. The bedsheets, blankets, her own clothing, suddenly tight and strangulatory. Her panicked heavy breathing as she pads down the stairs to her parent’s bedroom, silent as ever, only to find a pristine, empty bed. Huddling, knees close to her chest as she instructs herself over and over not to cry. Failing. 

Sasha wakes up with a start, knife immediately in hand and held to her attacker’s throat. Cicero blinks uncomfortably, shaking slightly as he carefully removes his hand from Sasha’s shoulder. Sasha wrenches her dagger from his neck in a motion so quick it looks as though she was never holding a dagger at all. 

Looking outside she can see the sun setting. She must have fallen asleep. She’s no stranger to nightmares, though that one’s worse than most. Sasha rubs at her eyes as Cicero tries to lead her out of the room. 

“No. No, wait. We shouldn’t leave him alone!” Sasha pulls away, only to be caught by Cicero again. “Um, um.” Sasha racks her brain. “Solus,” she says, pointing at the kid. Alone. Cicero nods, pushing her towards the door again. Sasha tries protesting again, when he lets go of her to sit in the chair he had found her in.

Sasha nodded with understanding. “Grátiās.” Thanks. Cicero returns the nod with a tired smile. 

“Sómnus.” Sleep.

Sasha understands. And she sleeps.

Not without nightmares.

There’s the usual contenders; losing Brock, losing her parents, Barret’s manipulation, a particularly gory end to a co-conspirator from an Other London heist. But over the last months, she’s gained oh so many more. In her dreams she listens to Mr. Ceiling tear her mind and body apart, feels her humanity slip away, sees Zolf leave, and Grizzop die. Over and over she sees and feels spears plunge, needles prick, knives slice, and magic burn. Sasha does not remember the last time she slept through the night without waking up in a cold sweat, but the dreams have only increased in number and intensity.

Sasha does not remember the last time her eyes were clear of their deep circles, that against her pale skin give her a sickly glow even when she’s not mostly undead. 

Sasha wakes up, and stays awake when the sun rises over the gently sloping hills surrounding the secluded villa. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she gives a small smile at the beautiful scarlet red sunrise. Her smile fades when she sees the thick wall of smoke at the edge of the horizon, assisting the sun in painting a blood red sky.

A painful reminder that Rome has fallen and Sasha was here to see it. Alone.

Years later

They went back. Back to the city once they were sure the dragons had had their fill of it. They found so very few to save. Mostly children. So many children. Sasha’s heart broke to hear their cries, to see them clutching at the torn clothes of their parents as they came to save them. They aren’t alone anymore.

Some were too young to know their names, too young to remember their families in a couple of years. Sasha gave them names. Amidus, Wilde, Brock, Azu, Grizzop, Sagax for Zolf, even Bertus. It took a couple years for the sad smile she had whenever she said their names to turn genuine, but it did happen eventually. It was as much a way to remember her friends as her yearly trips to the temple of Artemis in the nearest city were. 

She taught them everything she knew. Acrobatics, stealth, throwing daggers, how to detect traps, the whole lot of it. Cicero covered the more academic side of things, the villa had a decent library, and all things considered he was a good teacher. 

Sasha had never expected to live long. It just didn’t happen in Other London. Before she left, Barret was the oldest person she had ever seen and he wasn’t far past fifty. Besides, her line of work was dangerous. Yet, here she was, living. Passing down a legacy to these kids. She hadn’t realized how much she had wanted someone to learn what she knew, how much she wanted to pass down her knowledge. 

She found that fulfillment in the children and teenagers they rescued from the still-smoldering ruins of Rome. And they found new lives with her and Cicero.

Still, on the days she felt like she was forgetting her old life, Sasha would slip away. To a secluded spot in the orchard that only she knew about and slide on her old leather jacket, and she would just take a moment to remember. 

Remember gruff Zolf, with more rough exterior than a ship covered in barnacles. The first to make her a partner rather than someone to order around. Flighty little Hamid, gods Sasha missed his hugs. Out of all of them, he was the one who’d stuck around the longest. The soft, kind Azu and her complete understanding. It was rare that Sasha could find someone to be silent with, and yet there Azu was. Grizzop, who practically vibrated whenever he got angry. Sasha always started crying by this point. Grizzop, who had given everything to protect her. And Wilde. After all their time spent together, Wilde had grown on her. Sasha still thinks of puns he would like sometimes. She writes them down on a sheaf of paper. Maybe he’ll get them one day. Even Bertie’s sharp edges have been softened with time, and memory always puts a hazy glow on the past. Sasha knows he was horrible, but he’s still a part of the best and worst months of her life, so she can’t just forget him.

One day, many many years after Sasha has been trapped in the past she sits down to write a letter. One that she hopes might someday reach her friends. Her only way to say goodbye. 

She’s been writing them letters for years. Hamid, Azu, Wilde, even Zolf in the vain hope that they will find them. 

They are a mix of English and Latin, it’s been so long since she’s spoken or written in her native language, she can hardly remember it anymore. As time passes, they become almost entirely Latin. Sasha knows they’ll find a way to read them. 

She’s getting on in years now, so much older than she ever dreamed of being. So she writes each letter knowing it might be her last, not that she ever believed any different. 

She signs each one with the name her family gave her. Both of them.

Whosaskinus “Sasha” Lolomg

So... Here. Like I said, I have plans to make a short series with some letter Sasha writes to the party (because there’s no way it was just the one) and I really like writing in her voice. If you’d like to be tagged in that when I post it please let me know. If you just want to chat my inbox is open. Stay safe :)