#like you dont need to be a massive asshole you just dont need to constantly be focused on pleasing everyone

[just-a-queer-fanboy]

I am slowly morphing into a less homophobic Nicole and to be honest it's saved me from so much bullshit

[bonefall]

What are your thoughts on Crowfeather's Trial? I already know how you feel about my other least favorite super editions so I'm curious about your opinions on this one lol

I think at best it's just okay. Like...it feels like they're going "see!! We're holding him accountable!!" But then they just kinda...dont?? Like I didn't feel any differently about Crowfeather by the end than I did when I started. There's parts I like about it but overall it just fell flat for me

Like how am I supposed to like this guy when he's just constantly a dick?? he can't stand Harespring for some reason, there's a moment where he's like "I wish my son was dead" and when Nightcloud goes missing he barely gives a damn and doesn't bother to even try and look for her

Anyways I'll forever be mad that they gave this guy a whole super edition and he'll probably have the most dramatic death ever while Leafpool suffered her entire life (and afterlife) and got killed off screen. Hoping he gets jumped by rats and dies from infection

I'm not a big fan of it. It's one of the better written SEs and has a clear goal in mind, but every time I have to encounter it, it feels like it's sidelining the characters who actually deserve to be explored in favor of Crowfeather Sadboy Whinging.

Breezepelt has 12 books detailing how being mistreated by Crowfeather is making him worse, and showing that social alienation is pushing him towards the Dark Forest. Nightcloud was demonized by the old team even though they wrote Crowfeather deflecting all the blame of Breeze's behavior onto her, giving the new team a great opportunity to correct the mistakes of the old writers... and they decided to focus on Crowfeather instead.

And, mind you, they conveniently leave out massive details about how BADLY Crowfeather was abusing his child.

There's this one part of the book where he learns that Breezepelt broke his leg as a kid and he feels like shit for not remembering it, and it's supposed to be a big moment where Crowfeather realizes he was apathetic and careless. But he WASN'T just apathetic and careless. We see him TEACHING his child xenophobia in order to mock and offend Leafpool, smacking Breezepaw around for being 'rude' (the way Crowf always is), and screeching at him for having basic needs like hunger or rest.

Crowfeather WASN'T just a sad, sad boy who didn't pay attention to his kid because he was too busy pining over Dead Wife. What he did to Breezepelt wasn't just neglect; it was physical and emotional abuse.

The book DOES ultimately hold him responsible for how Breezepelt turned out, yes. But it doesn't properly focus on WHAT made Breeze come out the way he did. It wasn't genes, it wasn't Daddy Not Smile At Me. I can only assume the reason why they didn't address how ghoulish Crowfeather actually was is because they knew that being honest and direct about him abusing his child would make him unsympathetic.

Which is a problem, because, y'know, you can just make it Breezepelt's Trial and NOT have to thread that needle??

And furthermore... the book is trying to show Crowfeather addressing that he's kind of an asshole and moving on from it, earning deputyship as a reward for his growth, but what the book really demonstrates to me is that Crowfeather is a dickhead who actually shouldn't have ANY power at all. I don't understand why people would trust him or want him as their leader. I don't see any reason to think that he would be responsible with the lives of an entire Clan of people.

Before I hear clown shoes; if you think that means I "just don't like" that he would be an ""interesting leader,"" pile yourself back into the car with your 30 other jesters and drive away. I mean that it feels completely wrong that any character in-universe would look at the person who exists in Crowfeather's Trial, and say, "this is a person who would help me effectively rule."

What he does, all-book-long, is show that he's an emotionally unstable loose canon borderline incapable of self-reflection. Other characters have to directly tell him "you should try being less of an asshole" and "maybe be nice to your family sometimes?" while he comes up with bullshit reasons to seethe at every character who wanders into his line of sight.

I massively resent the fact that even Leafpool has to mommy his baby ass towards the end of the book. After he spends a good part of Po3 and OotS finding roundabout ways to snipe at her for not giving him exactly what he wanted. It falls on HER to be the one he can ask for advice on how to fix the family he treated like shit his whole life.

no that's not hyperbole she literally. textually. is compared to his mother.

and he can't even be gracious about it, he's instantly all huffy and offended, completely proving her point. Why the hell would anyone make this guy a deputy? The man needs TWO motherly figures giving him the exact same basic advice and a dedicated super edition before he adjusts his behavior even slightly.

(watch him get Boring Leader Syndrome the minute he inevitably becomes Crowstar, too)

Sooo, in a nutshell;

It's one of the better SEs. unfortunately.

Crowfeather is held accountable for being the problem in his own relationships, thank god

but it doesn't fully hold the actions we SAW in the main series books accountable, seemingly purposefully leaving out the worst things he did.

Another WC book where a male character gets an insane amount of sympathy and rewarding that female characters are NEVER deigned deserving of.

Should have been Breezepelt's story. I strongly dislike how Breeze's "redemption" was based on his shitty dad saying sorry. He deserved an actual character arc struggling with ever trusting WindClan again after they took his dad's judgement about him at face value.

Absolutely awful that Leafpool is killed between books and given a trial where they consider sending her to hell when they finally DO get around to showing how she died, while Crowfeather gets an SE about the whole world holding his hand so he can fix the family he broke in 5 easy steps.

Its biggest problem is that it is about a character whose actions you can go and read about. It doesn't deliver on the setup of 12 books of Crowfeather being an absolute git; it's a good story for the version of Crowfeather the new team seems to have created in their heads.

Doesn't stop me from manifesting him getting an infection and having a Sandstorm-tier disrespectful death in the upcoming series, lmao.

[insufferableprotagonistpoll]

Round 1

Propaganda why Dr. Gregory House is insufferable:

"Choses to make the people around him and himself miserable.

Makes patients take treatments or tests without their knowledge, and does the same to his employees

Doesn't believe in asexuality

Gave a deaf patient a hearing implant without their consent

Started to call a woman a ""he"" once he realized she was intersexual

Always makes sexual remarks to his female boss

Lowkey racist

Didn't want to give his condolences to his best friend after his girlfriend died accompanying a drunk House to his... house

More stuff I can't remember right now but I hate hate hate hate him"

"The whole point of the show is that this guy sucks as a person, knows it, is proud of it, and works to keep it that way. But he’s extremely competent. There is a reason fans call this show “Malpractice Hospital” and it’s this guy. Literally."

"Transphobic, intersexist, aphobic, etc. And I'm not entirely sure how to explain this but, while he is racist/homophobic/sexist, it's in a Liberal kind of way? Like I have a feeling the writers dont want you to think he's actually racist or homophobic because That's Bad, "he just makes those kinds of comments because he's edgy!!!" or whatever excuse people come up with. For a show that hates religion, they show more respect towards christianity than they do the "Trannies" or Asexuals they make fun of. Don't even get me started on his interpersonal skills."

"Self-centered, sometimes misogynistic, low-key racist sometimes, gives his patience treatment without their concent or knowledge, started to called a woman "he" after realizing she was intersex, doesn't believe in asexuality, crashed a car into his ex's house."

"the "he needs mouse bites to live" gif kinda sums it up. He's like Sherlock Holmes if he worked as doctor and prescribed nonsensical solutions to illnesses that always work. He also doesn't explain himself and bitches to his coworkers instead. Also an asshole in general."

Propaganda why Frank Reagan is insufferable:

"I want to kick him in the fucking ribs. The world distorts around him to justify his grotesque bigotries and abuses of power. The very universe warps to conform to his Republican ass lens."

"regan, like many other cop show characters, displays some of the most grotesquely-milquetoast morality I’ve ever seen and is narratively deemed to be in the right constantly! like literally never is he made to meaningfully examine his biases and the harm caused by his power and participation in the police system, in the end he’s always right and the Newfangled Modern Hippy Dippy Kids are wrong. which is a legitimately dangerous message to push to the boomer/gen-Xer demographic that watches these shows.

also he’s just a massive cunt and I hate himmm"

"I don't even remember which guy this is but I watched like 2 episodes of blue bloods when it was on and litterally every character is so insufferable."

"acab"

[kindred-spirit-93]

Sup, it's me Astron

The Gods in general dont really have a good grasp on love. It's tough to say how much of its because of their alien nature and how much is from the fact of their less then good upbringings and massive egos. In the story Hestia was generally seen as a mother figure to the ones who were swallowed and forced Zeus to prove his loyalty to the family (when they were freshly regurgitated) by making him sacrifice his own nurse (Almathea) to them before she accepted him. This is mainly to give Hestia more of an edge and to show her fierce passion for the family unit.

Most gods are basically nature spirits or cosmic entities that don't really care about humans. However, the top twelve gods - lets think of them as divine politicians - are obsessed with controlling humans and have zero qualms about doing whatever serves their interests. Believe it or not, gods don't need humans to believe in them to exist, but they do crave worship and sacrifice. They gain power from specific human activities, not belief, and maintaining loyal followers is key. Even the kindest gods are super protective of their domains and get personally offended when humans take control without permission. The old nature gods and new societal gods, like the Olympians, constantly clash - especially since the Olympians want to dominate nature and claim authority over human concepts they don't understand. Ironically, nature gods don't need humans, but societal gods desperately do.

By god standards, most Olympians are pretty weak, having created nothing themselves; instead, they exploit existing structures and claim credit for others' work. That's why they're so interested in human affairs - it's easier to bully humans than the natural world. But times are changing, and people are starting to question their authority, which isn't sitting well with the Olympians who want to rule humanity without bothering to understand them. The idea of the gods being less focused on nature comes from how the Roman religion was structured, where the gods served the state, instead how humans served nature compared to the earlier Hellenic religion.

The gods aren't bad and evil, they're just assholes. It happens to the best of us especially if you live for thousands of years. They're just severely out of touch.

Believe it or not but Zeus in this story is the god that loves humans the most, he is completely obsessed with humanity so much so he assigned his family roles and modeld their existence based on elements of human life rather than aspects of nature like the Titans. He even prefers his demigod children and mortal lovers over his Devine born wife and children. But he doesn't actually understand them, it's more like a weird hyperfixation - he views them more as his personal property his passion project if you wish. Dionysus might be the one who actually understands humanity, the highs-lows life-death. Persephone only really relates to the humans who have died because only they know "the absolute embarrassment of death"

This is the world Hera is in.

I hope you feel better soon and good luck with those lectures! I enjoy sharing my old ideas with you and I adore reading yours!

AAAHHH ASTRON IM GOING FERAL OVER THESE OMFG THIS IS MY FAVOURITEST ASK TO DATE >:D

the pleasure is all mine my friend :) also tysm!! I wont be home till a few more hours so forgive the lack of fangirling lol. ill edit the post tonight with any potential notes ideas and additions

[maddsmallow]

10, 17, 20 for the dbh ask!

10. Least favorite trope?

i dont know if i would say it's my least favorite, but it's the first one that popped into my head as a brainrotted hankcon shipper lmao—when connor is portrayed as a lil helpless baby uwu bean who suddenly becomes essentially hank's maid post-revolution, and when hank is suddenly completely cured of his alcohol dependence once connor moves in/they get together. i want that man to WORK FOR IT, "it" being a healthier life and actual coping skills with his grief. and i'm a big believer in connor being a badass "adult man" who really doesnt need anyone's help but just likes hank with him because of what they went thru together, and they grow from there into something more.

granted, i do understand that we're all just. having fun with fictional characters and slapping these barbies together in whatever ways makes us happiest. so i could sit here and go off on how incorrect it feels to their characters, but i dunno. it doesnt really matter how "canon" it is, it's all just for funsies, so. kind of a weird thing to toe the line between 😅

17. Favorite moments of each playable character?

ooo this is a good one. again, im a brainrotted hankcon shipper, so it's gonna be hard to choose just one with hank and connor haha. probably my favorite with connor is when he's dragging hank to the bathroom to "sober him up" just because they're both such ASSHOLES to each other LMAO, just completely fed up with the other's shit. hank is just a grumpy bitch who wants to wallow in self pity, so even when drunk off his ass he's still putting up a fight with connor by grabbing the doorway to stop connor from taking him further into the bathroom and then straight up trying to walk away from the bathtub. connor is so done with hank holding him back from doing his goddamn all important mission, so when he finally gets the (probably freezing) water going, he deadass just stands there and watches hank flail around for an extra second. JUST to be an ass to hank for being an ass to him. it's SO funny how the two of them are constantly butting heads and then end up basically trauma bonded anyways by the end of the game lmao

if it counts, my favorite kara moment would probably be her realizing she's merchandise in that one short video back in like,, what was it, 2012? 2014? that was sort of the first rendition of an idea for the dbh universe. just, her realizing she's a product and not a person and then begging for her life was REALLY moving, valorie curry's acting there was fuckin top notch. but that's not really part of the game itself, so. hmm. i really love when they're at the amusement park and finally find a place to stay to ride out the storm, but the door is covered in wooden planks that have been nailed in, and (ignoring the fact that there's no reason to assume kara wouldnt have standard android strength and find this action quite easy) kara's this tiny little android trying to rip off the planks, and then big ass luther is just like. allow me. im literally made for this shit. and yoinks em off like they're nothin LMAO. that was the very specific moment i fell in love with luther and wanted him and kara and alice to stay together FOREVER

and for markus, i mean, i GOTTA go with the scene where he goes through the passageway of hands and other android parts in the junkyard. or really just the first scene in it where you take off your bad leg and find another compatible one and the realization sets in that you're in a massive landfill of body parts, and markus has been dumped into a situation where he has to dig through dead and dying people of his own species and take their parts to save himself. the first time i watched it, i literally gasped and covered my mouth with my hand and teared up. it's HORRIFIC, the idea of being in a giant pile of half alive creatures to be forgotten about as you have to take bits of those half alive creatures to attach to your own self to survive. you're now made up of multiple other dead people. it's fucking nightmarish, and the first half of that level is such a punch in the gut. fantastic story telling there

20. What were the hardest decisions/actions in each character's story for you?

oh man so TECHNICALLY i have never actually played the game myself LMAO. i'm just not a gamer, i'm in this for the characters and the shit they have to endure in the story. but i imagine the answer is the same for all of them with being mean to the companions in each story haha. getting hank to the point where he finally uses his gun on himself, making kara leave alice at the "recycling" camp, and i guess markus doing peaceful protests even tho that means soooo many more androids die from his inaction.

thanks for the ask!!

[dinodogs]

I love volume 9 dont get me wrong and it might just be my favorite volume but fucking christ. The one, massive flaw this volume has is literally just Jaunes entire existence. They made him so fucking unlikeable. I totally get what they were going for with his character arc and whatever but I do not like him after this volume. Now I just view him as a selfish asshole.

Ruby had a panic attack mid fight and he snapped at her "I know you may not care about protecting this village, but you can at least help your friends when they're in danger" and literally one look at Rubys face that entire moment would tell you she was Not Fucking Okay. Sure he kinda backed off after Ruby moved away from her weapon, but I really dislike the way the writers took the attention off of her in this moment.

Theres nothing wrong with the actual idea, I just think the actual execution of it was really poor. Using Jaune as a way to constantly take the attention off of Ruby just made me hate him and audibly groan whenever he came onto screen. Like. go away dude, this is not the Ruby/Jaune volume this was meant to be the Ruby volume.

Especially disliked the way he shouted at her. Like it was extremely obvious how fucking upset Ruby was, she literally said "Find someone who isn't going to mess everything up!" and like 10 seconds later he decided to shout at her about how it was all her fault and cause her to run off. Dude. Get a fucking grip, not everything is about you and what you lost. This was a moment where Ruby needed the comfort of her friends, not you.

Like I get what she said about the paper pleasers was pretty rude, but his reaction and what he said to her was genuinely so fucking awful. He said it was her plan when if you look back at v8, it was not just her plan Jaune contributed a lot to it too. It just really gets under my skin, and made me genuinely dislike Jaune. He's just such a douche the entire volume.

[nathank77]

4/19/24

4:56 p.m Edited/Added to 5:05 p.m

I just woke up. I had a very hard time falling asleep again. I closed my eyes at 7:06 a.m, opened them at 7:42. Took a second 25mg Hydroxyzine. Took my first 25mg Benadryl. Closed my eyes until 8:12 still wasn't asleep... ate a think bar and then closed my eyes again.

I must have fallen asleep in 20 minutes or so after that. I've been getting weird tactile hallucinations that are associated with my mental pictures like before with psychosis... and sounds that are associated with my mental pictures at least I think for that one... cause it's like I hear a ting and imagine a can... it could be From my show... with the mental picture right after the sound.

The tactiles are like I grab a can or something and my hand feels like it moves to grab it or it actually moves..... or i can feel the can......I've had a lot of those recently.. I'm wondering if it's real xanax but based on other nights with the same bottle I fell asleep fast despite getting these.

The other day I was in the shower and I was kinda freaked out bc of my ocd and I closed my eyes and had a mental image of the shower and my arm almost touching the wall so like rather than it being visual when I was smoking pot it prob was all mental images...

Anyways I accidently started posting on dopaminergicaddictions again.. I reblogged everything here. But I accidently deleted one of my posts an important one. I'm mad cause I can't re-write it. It's just gone. I wish there was a recent garbage can...

Anyways I'm about to go see my mom but my uncle died today and my dad wanted me to call him.. so I called him.

He was like a stone wall. He expects me to go the funeral. I said I'd only go out of respect for him. I said i have 3 reasons I don't want to go:

1) time i need to sleep- he said the wake would be at like 330 or 4... but not the funeral so he expects me to go to the wake..

2) clothes I have no nice clothes. He said I have money I need to buy something nice. I DONT HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY SOMETHING TO SEE THAT SHIT BAG. HE NEVER ACCEPTED ME. THE CLOTHES YOU NEED ARE EXPENSIVE. DRESS PANTS, A BUTTON UP.

I said I don't really have the money and he was like well you're on disability and I said yes but only ssi and I only get a little over 900$ a month I'm not on ssdi like you. I mentioned the disability appts and them saying he isn't on it. He didn't make a comment. So idk. I didnt push past that..

But I don't have the money to buy something nice to wear to Mark's wake.

3) then I said well psychosis is more than hearing a voice. I get mental pictures and I don't want to see a dead person. Cause of that. I said it would depend on the person but ingeneral atm It's not healthy for me to see a dead body.

- he was like well they may cremate him and if they don't you don't have to go up and see him.

He said something like I know you don't respect him and maybe me and I jumped in and said I do respect you dad you're the only reason I'd go! And he brought up that I didn't see my grandmother or my aunt the two times they came down..

He is like a stone wall he fully expects me to go. I don't have anything to wear i don't want to be around people crying. It's not healthy for me.....and mark isn't worth it! He didn't mean anything to me!

I didn't bring up reason 4: mark never accepts me. He talkes massive shit about me to my face and to my mother and sister and everyone. I was a freakshow to mark.

I might as well have been in the freakshow at a circus to him. He didn't respect my gender at all.

I don't care for Melissa- his daughter she posted this thing on fb about not knowing if women are really women nowadays and having to look for an Adam's apple....made a joke about it.

I don't care for Bryan his son- he constantly talks to me like mark did, man up if you want to be a man so badly. Etc. He outed me to my sisters ex boyfriend during the move. He is an asshole.

Marks wife eddy... I do like but I mean I'm sure she's on board with all the transphobia..... I mean she just didn't say it. Beyond that Mark raped her multiple times. He was a hot head who would break your jaw for saying the wrong thing.

Oh yea he was a drug dealer too...

I mean I truly hated mark and I would not regret not going. Cause to me he didn't exist. He wasn't my family. He used to be my favorite uncle and then I transitioned and he lost all respect for me and I snipped him the fuck out.

He died to me when I started my transition.

So idk what to do cause the whole respect for my father thing should have been enough... like i respect you but XYZ and they are good reasons... and you know he said your uncle may not have respected you but you got to be there for the family..

No I really don't... you never talked to mark. You thought he was shit too... and despite some of my family accepting me the primary people who this affected- eddy, Bryan and Melissa mean nothing to me. And I mean absolutely nothing.

So idk what to do. I'm stressed about seeing my mother. I'm stressed cause if I don't go to marks wake then I've disrespected my father.

I'm stressed cause I lost an important post bc I accidently started posting on dopaminergicaddictions again and I deleted one where I got a lot of feelings out.

I'm stressed that I didn't sleep well.. I woke up at 3:30..

I'm stressed that I'm having the wierd tactile hallucinations with my mental images.

I don't want to buy clothes and go to see mark. He didn't respect me. I was a girl to him.

He wasn't my fucking family. And everytime I try to imagine glasses I see him partially dead already very unclear but his face and part of his glasses ... cause he wore them... so I mean yea I prob shouldn't go..

This isn't about getting off this is just psychosis being a cunt and already fucking with the mental pictures. If I see him there I will see the mental picture of him for months.

[evandorepart2]

i always feel so stupid venting on this account but like whatever. also the entire concept of venting is just stupid to me i think its all stupid and i want to make a proper meal. but like seriously. genuinely seriously GOD i fucking hate my brother. hes so insufferable and he makes all my issues ten times worse since hes just like my mother and he refuses to admit it. he thinks hes so much better than me and he likes to look down on me cause it makes him feel better about his shit cause hes a stuck up asshole who cant ever admit that hes wrong or a fucking prick.

and then hes all like ohhh i got issues too but i just get over it unlike YOU who is so much worse than me and i hate you for that and will constantly say that youre going nowhere with your life and i hate everyone here and youre such a lazy fucking dirty slob who needs to just cope with your shit like just tell me to fucking kill myself already. like it sucks that i cant visit my own damn family cause youre going to also be there and just make me be miserable and then get mad at me cause im miserable. i cant wait till hes gone cause my life isnt going to be great but itll get better to a significant degree

and like. at the core of it i think he hates me cause hes jealous. cause as kids i was always the 'better' one who 'applied' myself to stuff when really it was just cause my mother pushed me to do things which i hated and i was never that good to begin with. and its not like he was not exactly the same its just that when his 'good' ended and he spiralled thats when i was still in my 'good' and he fucking left before he saw my spiral. i dont think he understands how fucking horrible it was. and how deeply jealous i am that he actually got a halfway decent childhood. like whatever he thinks i had is a huge fucking lie and i used to fantasize that i couldve left with him.

he has this stupid idea of me in his brain which. god i dont even fucking know cause he says he doesnt care and then turns around to get mad cause he cares too much. and theres so many times its just unnecessary and hes literally just being a massive dick and making me feel bad for nothing.

anyway whatever fuck that guy. hes leaving tomorrow or the next day and i wont have to see him for a month and when we move ill be counting down the days till he fucks off

[yearningandpatheticaboutit]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 9: LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

A/N: i made a moodboard for yaera and im really proud of it lmao

warnings: blood mention, drugs mention, suicide/self harm mention, gambling

wordcount: 8000 and some change

prev chapter

***

i remember climbing out my window that night. the moon was full, my stomach giddy thinking of seeing his pretty eyes. he said he wanted to meet me, i couldnt believe that what people said was true.

guys really were MEAN to the girls they liked.

being made fun of constantly? not my love language. never was. it reminded me too much of how my parents treated me, and i never found comfort in that at all.

my insecurities getting pointed out, getting mocked for the enjoyment of others. how could you like someone who did all those things to you?

i wondered that for a while. i was too hopeful, i guess.

that didnt stop me from doing my hair and finally making use of all the designer my mother brought home. i curled my fringe and the ends of my black hair, giving myself the look only a stupidly happy person could muster and snuck out of my house.

i didnt expect to see my twin sister doing the exact same thing.

our mouths collectively dropped open when we saw one another, completely baffled that neither of us had said anything. i wouldve told her where i was going, but she hadnt given me the time of day.

"i can explain," she nervously said, laughing. "okay nevermind, you first."

"no way!" i said, shaking my head. "you? sneaking out? fess up!"

yasmine was like the model twin to everyone. of course she wasnt perfect, she had flaws just like everyone else. she was a massive people pleaser, so i wondered just exactly who she was trying to impress with her new sneaky habits.

anyone that had my goodie two-shoes sister sneaking out of the house couldnt be good news, i thought. i was also impressed by how they managed to actually get her to go through with it.

"im just meeting...someone," she giggled dumbly. it was almost pitch black in our yard and yet i knew her cheeks were stained red.

"and you didnt tell me about him? who is it? someone from a rival school?"

my sister was dramatic enough to hide something like that. she had just broken up with her asshole boyfriend, collin, who no one liked, so i would have gladly encouraged this phase.

"its just someone. you dont know him."

i raised an eyebrow. "so when will i get to? whats his name?"

"im not saying anything, yae." she deadpanned.

"what?" i couldnt hide the disappointment from my voice. "but we tell each other everything."

she sighed. "relax, i will tell you just not right now. gosh quit being so codependent."

i frowned. "im not codependent i just care about your life. but whatever since you wanna be a massive bitch about it."

silence filled after a familiar insecurity rose to surface level. my sister knew how much i loved and needed her. she was my sister. some siblings were close, some werent. but my sister was my only friend. and all i really had. she knew that.

and sometimes she reminded me of how much i held her back.

she would sit with her massive friend group with attractive, sociable and fun people. she would always try to push me to talk to them or even make my own friends. i tried, i swear i did. it usually didnt go well. i never understood why.

maybe i was the problem. i could only really care about one person at a time. i didnt know what that was called. it took time for me to get close with people, the fear of being judged and abandoned an imminent one.

my brain always told me, my own sister would never abandon or judge me. we were blood. we were in this shit forever.

apparently i was the only one passionate about it.

"yae, cmon dont be like that," yasmine sighed. "i didnt mean that. i will tell you i promise."

i didnt answer her, only wiped the tears that gathered in my eyes for that moment. i crumbled up the letter he gave me as i rolled it into a fist in my pocket.

"its whatever, i guess ill see you in the morning," i muttered and started walking to the gate.

"wait!" she whisper-yelled. "where are you going?"

"ill tell you later. good luck with whoever youre meeting."

i called an uber to the address, trying to lighten up my mood on the way there. i put lipgloss on, trying to smile in my compact mirror. i wasnt really good with make up, but since i had a good feeling about this boy, i would need to start getting good.

this was the first time he'd invited me to his house. usually when yasmine went it wasnt a mutual invite. now i was going solo. he really changed his mind about me.

i kept impulsively eating mints, practicing my facial expressions and the uber driver probably thought i was crazy. when i got dropped infront of the wrought iron gates, he was standing there waiting for me.

in a white tshirt and grey sweatpants. he was so beautiful. he pulled his lips into that sly smirk i knew, as if he got everything he wanted. and being who he was, he did.

i mean, thats how i was here even though he bullied the fuck out of me whenever he could.

"hi," i said, giving a small wave. the wind blew my skirt a little, making me hold it down embarrassingly.

jongho continued giving me that satisfied smirk as he eyed me up and down. "you know its two am. i really didnt expect you to actually come."

i mean you asked me to. of course i would. im almost in love with you.

i shrugged like it was nothing. "you told me to come when i was comfortable. i thought this was appropriate."

"i see you dressed appropriately too. nice legs," he said, making my face heat up. "goddamn, model genes really runs in your family. well i dont wanna keep you in the cold. lets go inside."

he guided me into his home, his hand on my lower back. i swear i couldnt breathe. he never touched me like this infront of the others. infront of her.

his house was dark except for the light in the living room and up the staircase. the sound of my miu miu boots on the marble made me realize how empty everything sounded.

"are you alone at home?" i asked, kind of excited for the answer.

"yeah, my folks left for something in singapore. you know how it is," he casually said, showing me into a room. "make yourself comfy."

it was his room. i dont know what i imagined, but seeing it, it was so jongho.

trophies for singing competitions, soccer, and some even for academics lined the walls around his massive bed. he had a large mirror directly opposite his bed and a balcony that overlooked the infinity pool in his backyard. i strolled around in admiration, turning around when i heard two loud pats.

jongho sat on his bed and was gesturing for me to do the same. the led lights in his room were red and so dim, making him look far more hot than he already was.

i reluctantly planted myself next to him, my heart rate going higher than a kite. jongho licked his lips and took a heavy breath as he prepared to speak. god he was so attractive, i hated how much i liked him. i left my home at two am just because he asked. fuck.

"thanks for coming to talk," he muttered, his voice deeper and hitting the perfect spot in my ear drums. "i know it was kinda a lot to ask."

i rolled my hair behind my ear and shrugged. "its no big deal. what did you wanna talk about?"

jongho moved closer, now he was so close i could feel the radiation of his body heat. oh god.

"i know ive been hard on you for coming into our friend group and everything. im really sorry for all the mean things i said."

the apology struck me, hitting the thoughts from my brain. that wasnt what i expected.

"i called you clingy and made yasmine think you were a loser," jongho sighed, shaking his head. "she doesnt believe that of course, but im really sorry. i know i can be mean sometimes but its just how i give affection. youre cool with that, right?"

i nodded thoughtlessly. i was just happy to have him talk to me.

"yea, thats fine. i get it. im not that sensitive dont worry," i forced a smile, knowing his insults hurt more than anything. but at least he was sorry. right?

"cool, cool." he smiled down at me. "i hope we can be good friends then, yae. can you do me a favour then?"

"what kind of favour?"

my mind was running wild right then. all the insane teenage hormones were overflowing. the close proximity and how handsome he was, the fact that my short skirt had such easy access. choi jongho was a hard guy to resist. and i was failing.

i didnt hear his words, i was so focused on his lips and the cute mole in his neck, i acted without thinking.

i leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, softly grabbing the side of his face. i couldnt believe what i was doing. for a second his warm mouth welcomed mine, taking it in fully. then, i felt coldness on my lips as he pulled away.

"what are you doing?" he scoffed, his eyes narrowed spitefully. my stomach shrunk.

"uh–i–" i stammered, only to be cut off.

"are you fucking kidding me right now? are you deaf?" he raised his voice. "did you not just hear me ask is yasmine if interested in anyone? why the fuck would you kiss me."

"im sorry–i–" i couldnt believe what i just did. what was wrong with me. he wanted to know about yasmine. not me. what the fuck. this was so awkward.

wait. so i read everything...wrong?

"shit," he cursed under his breath. "this is bad."

"is that why you called me here?" i asked, fearing the answer. "to find out if yasmine is interested in anyone?"

"obviously. why else are you useful?" he meanly answered. i felt an embarrassed pang in my chest. "did you think i liked you?"

the mocking laugh that fell from his lips after made me flinch. because how stupid was i to think he actually saw me differently now.

to think that someone like him could actually like someone like me.

"youre so fucking naive, yaera," he kept driving the knife in, shaking his head with that taunting smile. "just cause you look like your sister doesnt mean you should have the same confidence. youre setting yourself up."

i remembered the first day i sat with yasmine's friend group, jongho pointed out that even though we were twins, i wasnt nearly as attractive as yasmine. i laughed it off awkwardly because i thought he was joking.

"you know desperation is unattractive as fuck, right? i cant believe you drove here at two in the morning because you thought i liked you."

i was shivering in my skin, trying not to completely burst into tears. my entire body was flushing hot with anger and spite, and the most embarrassing of all–heartbreak. because deep down i knew he would never get over my sister. it made me insane.

why did everyone fucking act like i wasnt worthy of being liked just like everyone else? but as soon as they saw the scars on my arms they wanted to tell me the same bullshit.

youre loved, yaera.

stop hurting yourself, yaera.

stop using this for attention, yaera.

i couldnt bear to stay a second longer. i wiped the wetness of my cheeks and got up from the bed, immediately going to leave. jongho got up and tugged at my wrist, pulling me back to him.

"you havent told me about your sister yet," jongho said, making my rage spike. because who the fuck did he think he was. "cmon, dont cry because of silly shit like that. its water under the bridge."

"i hate you," i seethed through my tears. "i dont know why yasmine is friends with someone like you in the first place."

"because shes like me," jongho taunted. "and thats what you refuse to see. you dont realize how much of a burden you are to her. you dont realize the only reason she hasnt ditched you yet is because youre related to her."

okay, so he was continuing then?

"you always act like youre so perfect," i spat. "you talk about how much of a burden i am? imagine how much of a burden you are to yasmine because you keep trying to date her. shes never gonna like you. you're just another guy friend in her collection, cunt."

i ripped my arm from his grip and stormed out of his room. he followed me till i reached the bottom of the staircase, where he just watched me spitefully from the railing. now he was angry? of course. pieces of shit like jongho were great at dishing it out and not taking it back.

i felt so petty. he could have rejected me normally but he thought he could say whatever he wanted to me. tearing the little self esteem i had down was fun for him.

i turned around and smiled. "you really wanna know what yasmine thinks of you? she doesnt. in fact, she snuck out of the house to meet someone. shes probably getting fucked as we speak. enjoy that mental image, fucker."

"get the fuck out of my house!"

***

YAERA

an hour has passed since san left me in his apartment. im worried and have a weird feeling in my stomach just imagining what he's doing right now.

despite the anger i feel toward him, i hope he's safe. that's all I hope for. he's hurt badly, looking more damaged than when he fought the last time. he definetely has open wounds. so i look around for any first aid. he's gonna need it for when he comes back.

i rummage through his cabinets. there's so much empty spaces but its filled with random stuff. this guy needs to go shopping. he has so much expired medicine. i find a thin roll of bandages and plasters in the very back of a cupboard but when i take them out, something falls on the ground.

its a folded up piece of paper. when i pick it up, i realize its actually a crumbled up picture. a picture of a family.

my stomach immediately sinks.

a young asian lady and her husband are holding their toddler son. it looks like theyre at a carnival. everyone is smiling, except for the kid. hes pouting.

he was so cute as a baby.

a weird feeling of melancholy hits me hard realizing the people in this picture are no longer around.

san lives alone. apparently hes been alone for a long time. i can tell by the way he operates. hes selfish, not even in a bad way. i get why he caters for himself and tries to keep away from others.

im not even angry anymore. it just makes me sad.

i put the picture back where i found it and go sit by the bed. san doesnt have any alcohol in his house, so i end up having to look up the nearest pharmacy.

i make a quick run for it, deciding to buy him some more medicine and fill up my asthma pump while im at it. i dont know why im doing this when he probably hates me. i guess im always gonna be a sucker for the men i like.

when i get back, his door is unlocked. i panic, but then i find him and his friend eyeing me like they want to kill me.

"where were you?!" san asks me, raising his voice. "dont walk around here. you know this isnt the suburbs."

i lift the pharmacy bag. "i was just getting you medicine. i threw out your expired packs. which were all of them, by the way."

he has a lost look on his face. i turn to his "cousin" and hold my hand out. "the name's yaera marino, san's fake girlfriend. good to officially meet you."

"im wooyoung. san's fake cousin," he says, taking my hand with reluctance.

"are you sleeping here tonight?" i ask him.

"yes he is," san answers. "we're sharing a mattress. you can still sleep on my bed."

i feel a pang of jealously. goddamn it that should be me.

i nod to san. "go take a shower. im gonna give you first aid."

san is confused, looking at me like he doesnt understand english. "you know how to do first aid?"

"i learned it when i was still doing karate. go shower." i chase him away with my hand.

san awkwardly goes off, leaving me alone with wooyoung. i quietly take in the boy, who now that i can see clearly, is obviously younger than san. i cant believe hes in the gang too.

"what took you so long?" i ask him, frowning. "i was worried."

"we had to get rid of the license plate," wooyoung answers, his tone curt and cold. "and you were worried? dont make me laugh."

his words are sharp and sound spiteful. im guessing he knows how san and i began this partnership. i hold my tongue and let him snap.

"you dont care about san. youre using him," he says, but still quiet enough so that san doesnt overhear. "i just want you to know, i can make you disappear at any time i want. all i need is the greenlight from san and you'll be scattered across a lake."

"you think that will protect him?" i ask with a wry smile. wooyoung's fist clenches on the side of him, his knuckles bloody and bruised.

"what makes you think i dont have a million copies of that video? that i dont have a plan in case one of you hurt me? im not some dumb bitch."

wooyoung shakes his head and laughs scornfully. what did he expect me to say? shiver me timbers? i literally know he shot someone tonight.

"and here san thinks you wouldnt hurt him. i dont care what kind of plan you have. if you hurt san, i'll fucking kill you myself," he threatens.

i wouldnt ever hurt him. not even in my dreams. unless he hurts me first, then fuck him.

"trust me, i wont be an issue," i say nonchalantly, sitting on the bed. i lean back and feel a pain in the spot where san kicked me. right above my boobs.

"i just need enough money by the end of the school year. then i'll go back to my country and disappear from your lives forever."

"do you know how much of a risk this is? what san is letting you do?" wooyoung scoffs. "thats if you even make it to the end of the year. if anyone finds out about this, youre both fucked."

"no ones gonna find out unless you tell them," i eye him sharply. i dont trust this guy but apparently san does, enough to tell him about our parternship.

"san has a hard life already. you should just get out of his life," wooyoung snaps. "if you knew why he was in the gang, you'd never ask him to do what youre doing now."

his words somehow make me feel guilty. but why? why should i feel guilty when san doesnt even tell me whats going on.

"woo."

wooyoung's demeanor changes when he hears san's voice. he immediately stiffens and acts completely clueless.

my breath gets stuck in my throat. san is standing there in nothing but a white tank top and a striped red pyjamma pants. his muscles and skinny waist are on perfect display. my mouth suddenly goes dry.

no. fuck. yaera, focus.

"what are you doing?" san asks like hes talking to a kid. i find it highly amusing but keep my face blank.

"i was just defending you," wooyoung says with a scowl.

"im not in any danger. like i told you."

"yeah but–"

"jung wooyoung."

wooyoung groans at san's warning and shoots me a hard glare telling me this conversation isnt close to over. he storms into san's extra room and shuts the door, probably thinking the worst of the situation.

i cant lie, despite his intimidating and handsome appearance, i cant take him seriously at all. i find it endearing that he cares so much about san that he even threatened me. so san isnt alone after all.

he looks at me and sighs, his face adorably awkward. the black strands of his hair are wavy against his forehead, making him look so soft despite the bruises and cuts on his face.

its embarrassing how quickly i forgot how badly i wanted to hurt him today.

"sorry about wooyoung," he says and comes to sits down on the bed. "hes just...possessive."

"you mean protective," i correct him and smile. "its good that you have someone looking out for you. you need it."

san goes quiet but is looking at me like he has a lot on his mind. right, he had to get someone killed tonight. how could i forget.

i take out the first aid materials and scoot closer to him. the warmth of his body is already wafting towards me, the scent of the soap so potent on his skin. its an intoxicating smell.

"can i see where you got hurt?" my voice is so hesitant it doesnt even sound like me.

san is slow with lifting his top. i refrain from visibly gulping at the sight of his beautiful lower body, my mouth going dry when i notice the large gashes against his ribs. they cut him with a knife.

"why would you put on a white shirt to bed?" i ask him with a scowl.

"the bleeding stopped in the shower," san shrugs embarrassedly. "plus this was all i could find."

i inspect the wound and it looks like he cleaned a whole lot of it in the shower. "it looks like i just have to put ointment on and wrap you. you need to go to the doctor if it gets infected, you know that right?"

"i dont think that will be necessary. ive never needed to before," san says coolly.

i cant believe hes just brushing this off. "how often do you get injured like this?" i ask him as i dip a finger into the antibiotic cream. i gently run it over his gashes and he winces. .

"now and then," he forces out, as if trying to hide that it hurts. "it wouldnt really matter the extent. i'd still have to go to school."

i roll my eyes. of course. the perfect student.

i rub in the ointment and it feels like my cheeks are on fire. ive never been this close to anyone. ive never done this for anyone. my hands are shaking as i reach for the sterile bandage.

"are we ever going to talk about what happened tonight?" i ask quietly. "because i dont want us to forget."

san is staring through my soul with his intimidating, and pretty brown eyes. i can see him withdrawing. hes already far away.

"i know i was reckless and im sorry. but please dont lie to me, san. i really fucking hate not knowing whats going on. i know you were probably trying to protect me, but you could have been honest."

i expect him to say sorry too. but only silence is returned.

"i wont lie to you again. ive seen the effects it has," he mutters.

"i dont want our partnership to be us just lying to and antagonizing each other. i know you dont trust me. but we're gonna have to trust each other for this shit to work."

"i do trust you," san says after a few moments pass. he tightens as i roll the bandage around his torso. "i just dont trust myself. and everyone else."

i stay quiet hoping for him to elaborate. i feel it coming. the hope is bubbling in my chest.

"i watched yunho die," his voice is flat, as if drained from emotion. "he got stabbed right infront of wooyoung and i. we should be used to it, we've seen tons of people come and go in the last four years."

i finish bandaging him and lower his shirt reluctantly. san watches my every move, and im surprised he lets me.

"im sorry you had to go through that so young," i tell him, genuinely. the look on his face is so distant that it feels like hes given up a long time ago.

"is this is how its gonna be? forever?" i ask. "is there any way out of this for you?"

i remember san implying that he wasnt doing this out of his freewill. which means his boss must have a lot of leverage over him.

"i dont know. im still trying to figure that out."

"what do they have on you?"

san chuckles darkly, his soft laugh full of scorn and hopelessness. "well, they know where i live, for starters. they know where i go to school. they know everything about me."

and his parents? where the fuck are your parents san?

he can see the question in my eyes. his smile is filled with gloom. "you can thank my dad for that. hes the reason all of this started. the reason ive been in this servitude for most of my childhood."

i frown. "servitude?"

"my dad...he was a shit guy," san sighs. "he was an alcoholic gangster with gambling tendencies. he made a bet with the 105ths he couldnt repay. so he took off. and when they couldnt make him pay it off, they took me instead."

"im paying off hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, thanks to my shit father. and i dont have any money so i had to give all i could so they dont kill me. myself."

i cant believe it. san is basically in a slave contract. and theres nothing he can do about it. my chest feels tight.

"what about your mom?" i ask softly. 

san shrugs and lays down on the bed, looking straight at the ceiling as he crosses his arms behind his head.

"shes gone. she left when the gang stuff got too complicated. they sent a warning to our apartment telling my dad to pay his debt, in the form of a petrol bomb. it scared the shit out of her, so she took off."

"without you!?" i ask incredulously.

"while i was at school. i just got used to it. coming home to nothing."

what kind of parents...fuck. i cant even say anything. im just fucking sad. i feel a hundred times worse about blackmailing him now.

"the 105ths said they would let me go if i paid off everything. theyre still letting me go to school as long as i dont neglect the gang."

"what if you ran away?" i ask curiously. san stares at me blankly.

"they would find me and do to me what they did to yunho. or even worse. its not worth it really. im just hoping it ends soon. then ill disappear. for good."

and now im dampening his plans by making him share his money with me. god i hate myself.

"how much do you owe?"

"i dont know. i just know the deal ends when miss A calls it off. she deems how much is enough."

i scowl. "what? and what if it never gets called off? what if they trap you here?"

"im hoping it wont come to that. ive been loyal for a long time."

that doesnt mean shit when people only love using you. but i dont say that. it already means so much that san decided to say something. to be honest. i cant lie and act like im okay after hearing the truth. but i wont pity him. san deserves better than that.

"ill help you," i look down at him fiercely. "ill help you cancel out your dads debt."

san looks at me deeply. "thats not necessary."

i hold out a hand. "dont even say it. get a fixed amount from your boss and ill help you get it."

"why would you do that?"

my stomach turns at the question. i dont even know. i cant say its because of the mild lady boner i have for him. its more than that. choi san deserves more than what happened to him.

"its only fair, isnt it?" i say with a small smile. "i get to go back home and you get to go to...where was it? nottingham?"

he wants to study pharmacy. i wonder if he meant that.

sans cheeks are red. is he...blushing?

"why do you remember that?" he asks with a soft groan.

i chuckle to myself. "cause its weird as fuck. england? what the hell do you wanna do in england? seriously if you want to go to europe there are so many better places. why nottingham?"

san shrugs embarrassedly. "i like football."

"you? like football?" i scoff. "that's the reason you wanna live in england?"

"why do you sound so shocked? can't i like football?" he asks defensively.

"you don't even look like you've watched soccer a day in your life. i'd never guess that you'd like an english team."

san snorts and laughs to himself a little. my legs go jelly a little. i keep underestimating how adorable he can be.

"my mother is a huge soccer fan," he admits fondly. my smile is quick to fall away. "once we went to watch her favourite team play in nottingham. she was so excited about it, she got me interested in it."

i feel myself soften. "so you want to go for your mother? is she going to move with you?"

"no," he sighs. i must be shit at connecting the dots because i still dont get it.

"she's in Korea. i can't go back there. i had to give up my Korean citizenship this year because I'm not enlisting."

"so you'll never see her again?"

my question hangs in the air. san doesnt answer it, because even he doesnt know. he still has hope. i can tell. he just doesnt know if its still worth holding onto.

everything has gotten deep so fast.

"maybe we should go to bed. we still have school tomorrow," i say and lie down next to him. theres a small gap between us that i know neither of us will close. but it feels good to hope.

san tries to get up but groans as he holds his injured side. i push him down gently by the shoulder, his eyes slightly widening.

"youre too tired to get up anyway," i say softly. "just stay here. i promise i wont bite."

unless you want me to.

san looks at me awkwardly and nods, lying back down on his back. his eyes are aimed at the ceiling and i pull my knees inward as i lay on my side looking at him.

everything about him is so...i dont even have the words to explain it. i just have a feeling that everything will work out for us exactly the way we want it to.

"thank you," i say. san slowly turns his head and raises his eyebrows at me in confusion.

"for being honest. i know you didnt wanna mention all that. but thanks."

san doesnt say anything more. theres a  ghost of a smile on his face, but its enough for me to hold onto. choi san, maybe youre not actually that much of an asshole.

"goodnight, yaera."

***

san

i thought i imagined it. having her curled up in my arms. i felt it that night, her warm skin against mine and her soft breaths and hair on my chest. i told myself i was imagining it. because the morning after, she was gone.

yaera vanished like thin air. i feel embarrassed for everything that came out of my mouth last night. i cant believe i actually told her what happened to my family.

are you that desperate for friends? i ask the loser in the mirror as i get ready for school. the bruises in my face are so bad it looks like im going to have to wear a mask all day.

wooyoung comes out of the spare room as im almost finished with breakfast. he doesnt greet me with a good morning, instead he looks around expectantly.

"wheres the blackmailer?" he asks sarcastically. "is she also a magician?"

"her parents drop her at school so she left," i answer dryly. "morning to you too, asshole."

wooyoung gives me a bland stare. "you didnt come to bed last night."

"sorry? are we married?"

"what the fuck are you doing san?" wooyoung shouts at me. oh god are we really doing this at six in the morning.  "do you actually like this chick or what?"

"where did you get that idea?" i ask him calmly, knowing it will rile him up even more.

"maybe the fact that you slept in the same bed. youre letting her blackmail you for fucks sake–"

"wooyoung, we both passed out. with clothes on. and didnt i ask you to fucking trust me?" i glare at him. because why is he acting like my wife.

"i dont like this one bit." he shakes his head like a disapproving parent.

"you dont have to like it. all you have to do is let me do the work."

i feel my phone buzz in my pockets. i open it and see a missed call from yeosang. ugh this loser.

i open a message from him and its a birthday invitation. oh shit i almost forgot.

"woo, wanna come with me to a party?" i ask him. maybe he'll be less annoying if he can get the attention of some private school girl too.

"is it gonna be one of those fancy private school prick parties?" woo scowls, then smiles. "free food. im in."

"not to mention you could probably sell some stuff from there."

woo suddenly gets a burst if excitement. "that reminds me, i stole from that black dragon dickhead. we still have to split up the cash."

now that hes reminded me, i move to punch woo in the arm. "owwww!" he yells and shoves me. "what the fuck!"

"youre worried about me getting blackmailed when you possibly started a gang war," i snap at him. "when are you gonna tell miss A?"

"i dont plan to," woo says confidently. my face pales. no way.

"are you serious?" i ask worriedly. woo nods confidently. too confident who saw one of our own get mutilated last night.

"since im keeping your secret, you better keep mine."

thats entirely different, i want to say. i wanna argue with woo but the annoyingly playful nature on his face tells me hes not going to take me seriously at all.

"you know what they say," woo says with a grin. "out of sight, out of mind."

***

yaera

"youre in a good mood," my father notes as we get in the car that morning. and hes right. i cant take the smile off my face because i woke up on choi san's chest.

"i have a good feeling about this week," i say. my mom snorts, her eyes glued to her phone.

"and what brought on this feeling?"

its weird that my father is asking, because he genuinely never seems interested in anything i do. but since we're on the topic...

"miss evans got me a tutor. i invited him to come over after school today, is that okay?" i ask them. my mother immediately turns around with the signature sneer on her face.

"and who is miss evans to assign you a tutor? does she plan to pay for this?" she asks.

"uh? my AP bio teacher? you met her the beginning of the year?" i remind her. "and no, im paying out of my own pocket."

"good," she dryly says. "in that case its fine. the maids will all be home. as long as hes gone by dinner."

i quietly fistbump myself in the backseat, my stomach filled with butterflies. san, in my room, teaching me stuff i dont care about at all. what a dream come true.

best part is? he wont have to meet this family at all.

im skipping out of the car by the time they drop me off at school. i light up a cigarette as i stroll through the parking lot, feeling like a girl from some book who just landed a date with her crush. maybe life is worth living.

"marino!" a voice calls me. i pause in my tracks as i blow out my steam, turning around slowly to see...

...ah fuck.

"hey marino!" kang yeosang calls me with his signature douchebag smirk as he walks up to me. "long time no see."

i take an extra long drag from my cig because god it is needed for any conversation with yeosang.

"what do you want?" i ask him. he acts surprised and offended.

"wow, is that how you greet an old friend?" he shakes his head with a sigh. "kinda mean you know?"

i roll my eyes. "get to what it is you want, you know you and i have never been friends."

yeonsang clicks his tongue, his half smile not even shrunken by an inch. "always the pleasantries with you, marino. i just wanted to know if youve seen lazarus. since i hear you two come as a package nowadays. congrats by the way. you two totally look good together."

"lazarus?" i repeat dumbly. "who the fuck is that?"

"choi san," yeosang giggles like its the funniest thing ever.

"why do you call him lazarus?"

yeosang tilts his head at me like its obvious. "cause hes a scholarship student? hello?"

this fucking asshole. i toss my cigarette at him and he dodges fast enough to my dismay.

"dont call him that," i hiss. "plus why do you want to see him?"

"thats between us men, sweetheart," he says as a matter of fact. "just let him know when you see him, to give me a call. he doesnt answer my messages."

"maybe you should take the hint then."

yeosang looks at me with strange fascination, as if hes high in this very moment. its like he finds me amusing, hes just always giving me that stupid lopsided smile.

"i wonder how it happened, the two of you," he says with a glint of mischief. as if he cant wait to say something offensive. "its just funny how your type went from jongho...to him."

heat hits my face in embarassment. "jongho isnt the only guy ive had a crush on you know, you can stop bringing him up for every fucking thing. we never even dated," i say defensively.

this is why i hate talking to anyone my sister was friends with. all they could talk about was the past. not to mention most of the people she liked were fucking horrible.

"you never dated, but you were in love with him," yeosang childishly points out. "and even if he wont admit it, he probably felt something for you too."

i scoff. no he didnt. choi jongho doesnt love anyone but himself. id learnt that too late.

"i dont care," i grit out. "why are you even bringing this up?"

"yas would have wanted you to be with jongho. especially because he couldnt have her," yeosang just keeps boiling my blood. i cant believe this. i cant believe he just said that.

"i dunno how she would feel seeing you with...lazarus."

"shut the fuck up," i snap.

yeosang lifts his hands in defense. "im just saying because i care, yae. you cant just date someone you dont know. choi san might not be the sweet guy you think he is."

what is he even playing at? does he think san will sell him drugs if he goes around badmouthing him?

"and youre sweet?" i scoff. "you and jongho and whoever else was in that fucked up group? you think you can talk because you knew my sister? dont act like you ever cared about me."

"god youre so sensitive," yeosang laughs meanly. "i was just playing with you. and you wonder why you never got invited to our parties. youre just the strawman of fun arent you?"

"that doesnt make any fucking sense," i snap at him. "i can never get back the time i wasted having this conversation. mind your business and leave me alone, yeah, stronzo? and dont mention san to me ever again."

"dont forget to let him know i was looking for him!" yeosang calls after me as i storm off. i dont even need to turn around to know hes smiling, completely full of himself.

***

i only see san when lunch rolls around. all our common classes are later in the day and ive been obsessively waiting to see him all day. ive got a busy day ahead, my mind set on a very specific target.

i find him by the abandoned stairwell, and its like hes been waiting for me.

he shakes his head at me as i come, i narrow my eyes in confusion.

"am i missing something?" i ask him. "whats with the face?"

"why dont you check your phone?" san grumbles at me. his eyes trail behind me, where i turn to see jongho descending the stairs.

hes smiling like a prick. oh god. two assholes in one day.

"i guess the two of you dont learn," he says tauntingly. "this isnt a place for your dates."

"we havent done anything wrong," san says annoyedly. im glad he finds jongho as annoying as i do.

"maybe not you. but her," jongho turns to me with a smile. "i see your hair still isnt dyed back. you were given two warnings. one more and its suspension. i dont think your failing grades can afford two weeks out."

looking at him now, i dont know what i ever saw in him. im so embarrassed to say ive been rejected by this asshole like a hundred times.

i cant risk detention today. it would spoil mine and san's plans and would just be boring as hell. i guess im going to have to cave.

jongho smirks dreadfully. "why you so quiet, yae? didnt i tell you'd get you back?"

"look, im sorry okay," i say against my will. "i didnt mean to punch you. and ill have my hair dyed by tomorrow. good enough for you?"

san looks between us in confusion. i hope he doesnt ask any questions. if he thinks im crazy now he shouldnt ever hear of jongho-obsessed yaera.

"not good enough, sorry," jongho starts writing on that stupid peach notepad and i sigh. this time he only writes my name. meaning ill have detention without san. miss morri will love this.

"maybe next time you'll watch your mouth," jongho smiles at us before strollling away like the arrogant pig he is. i sigh heavily as san turns to me with narrowed eyes.

"why does he hate you so much?" san asks me annoyedly. "he just came here asking specifically. what did you do?"

"why are you assuming i did something?" i scowl. san gives me an obvious look.

"why else would he hate you that much?"

"because hes an asshole," i scoff. "i might be one too, but im nothing like him. my sister never reciprocated his love and he made it everyone elses problem. he also told me i should have died instead of her."

"what the fuck. he needs help."

"most people at this school do," i sigh. "speaking of help, i need yours."

san gives me his suspicious, pretty eyes. i smile excitedly. "im letting you into my side hustle. you remember how i told you i got my savings?"

"you said you stole most of it..."

"bingo."

san groans. "i hope you dont expect me to help you steal a car or something."

i roll my eyes. he must think im an adrenaline junkie or something. "dont be ridiculous. all i need is a look out before school ends. you think you can do that?"

san sighs hopelessly, surrendering. "what do you need?"

"get me into the boys lockeroom."

"...what are you doing there?"

"if i tell you it wont be special, would it?" i say and he scowls.

"dont do anything stupid. what about detention? are you going?"

i smirk. "obviously not. you still owe me a tutoring session."

san nods in a way that tells me he definetely forgot. how shameless.

"luckily for you, my parents allowed you to come over. and they wont be home till night and i'll make sure youre out of sight before then."

san nods. "just tell me what to bring."

the day goes by quickly until the last period finally rolls around. its geography, and as much as i love this subject, i end up skipping. san is having english and i couldnt convince him to skip, so i wait for him after school near the sportsfield.

the school soccer team are practicing, meaning all the lockerooms are unoccupied. its perfect.

i didnt usually target them, but the plan felt brilliant when i thought of it. usually i went for the girls, they were easy. expensive phone cases, airpods, clothes, and luxury perfume. all things that sold so easily online. people would do anything for a bargain.

can you imagine how much soccer gear would sell? i know damn well not every one of those players were using ALL of their gear.

plus, i need to get back at that asshole jongho. i didnt know his number so i'd just have to look around and guess whose locker smells the most potent and obnoxious.

san comes jogging around the bend, looking so prim and proper in his school blazer. i smirk in greeting. "you ready for some fun?" i ask him.

"i hope this doesnt take long, you know we have to catch the bus if we're going to your house," he reminds me.

i managed to convince my parents i was taking the bus with him home so they didnt have to pick us up. they called the school and made sure san wasnt a trouble maker and questioned his records. you know, a completely normal response.

"dont worry. i'll be in and out, lets go."

i take san's arm and we sneak into the separate building reserved for the boys lockerrooms. of course it smells like stale air, cologne and dampness.

i walk past the lockers and gaze at the numbers and locks. i check my watch. practice ends at 4:30 pm. its currently 4:00.

i nod to san and gesture with my eyes to the door. "guard while i get busy." i take various pins out of my pocket, having brought them specifically for this purpose.

"how are you gonna get those lockers open?" san asks me. i bend down infront of the first locker and start fiddling with my pins.

"lock-picking," i answer distractedly.

"you know how to pick locks?" san says in disbelief.

"you dont?"

"no. im not a weirdo."

"youre such a lousy gangster. arent you supposed to be street smart?"

"im not a gangster," san corrects me with an eye roll. hes feeling sassy today. "im a part time employee."

i cant take him seriously and end up chuckling. the locker clicks open and i find only a folded uniform on the inside. i rummage through the pockets and find a wallet. i open it and theres no cash, only cards. useless because as soon as its found to be missing they'll all be blocked.

i sigh and check deeper. i find a silver watch. its an omega brand. jackpot.

i slip it into my pocket and fold the uniform back. they should really secure these lockers better.

"are you getting somewhere?" san asks as he nervously looks out the door.

"of course," i say with ease and move onto the next locker. its slightly harder to open. i remember a specific scenario like this coming up in the youtube tutorial i watched. all i have to do is whatever that guy did.

it takes longer than i thought. when it pops open i can see san's distressed eyes glaring at me to hurry up.

and thats when i see it. the treasure guaranteed to win us a mini lottery.

"holy shit, look at this baby," i gasp and take out the camera, showing it to san.

"who leaves a camera in their gym locker?" san scowls. "that person deserves to get robbed."

"its expensive too!" i giggle in excitement. "its a Lumix GH5! you know the price of this? we're gonna be fucking rich!"

"who does it belong to?"

i shrug and look back inside the locker. there isnt much except the camera and a few pairs of gym socks and knee pads. "i guess we'll figure it out when we look at it."

i slam the locker shut and we're about to leave when san suddenly shoves me back. i stare at him in confusion as he runs out and i hear voices on the outside.

"what are you doing here?" someone asks him suspiciously. oh god. i recognize that voice. jongho.

"i...was looking for you," san says, and i can tell hes fighting for his life thinking of a good lie. "are there still spots left on the team?"

jongho scoffs. "youre kidding, right?"

theres an awkward silence. oh fuck i need to save him from himself.

"stick to the books, choi san. at least you dont embarrass yourself there."

"no im serious...i wanna join your team. is there anywhere to sign up?"

jongho groans. "im team captain, you have to go with me to the coach for this."

"lets go now then."

"i need to get something from my locker."

"uh...im in a hurry. can we just go now? i cant miss my bus home."

hes trying to get jongho away so i can sneak out. theyre right at the door. ive never held my breath so long.

"ugh! fine! couldnt you have asked earlier?" jongho snaps. "im guessing you need soccer for a sports scholarship too, huh? you wont get into any schools if you suck ass by the way."

i can just picture san's clenched jaw as he holds himself together around jongho. i hear their voices fade and steps grow further away. i stuff the camera and watch into my bag and sprint out and make my way around the school buildings. now i can jump the fence on the other side of the field.

i call san instantly when im alone, looking around for any security. he picks up on the first ring. "hey, im at the fence we jumped after detention. the bus stop is somewhere nearby here."

"okay okay mom, I'll be home right now," san says into the phone and im guessing hes making an excuse to get away from jongho now.

its funny how everything plays out. san gets to me within a few minutes and his face is red with stress. i hold my laugh in.

"next time YOU be the lookout," he says with a scowl and it makes me burst out into laughter.

"i thought you could lie better than that!" i nearly double over from chuckles. "you shouldve heard yourself. seriously youre a criminal and thats how you lie?"

"oh shut it. he wouldve seen you!"

san's angry face is really so adorable. he expects me to take him seriously like this?

"you should have hit him over the head instead," i sigh. "we couldve made him believe everything was a dream."

we jump the fence and end up catching the bus somewhere near my neighbourhood. the entire bus is empty, and san is on the verge of falling asleep, leaning his head against the window. im severely bored and decide to take the camera out to inspect the specs.

its such a good camera. i dont know a lot about cameras but i know by the brand its quality. i wonder which soccer guy has this hobby. maybe he wants to be a professional photographer.

i open the existing pictures and find random pictures of cars, birds, sunsets, and aesthetic places around the school. theres a folder named "her", so i click on it hoping to see something different.

...pictures of me.

thousands of them.

i feel my face pale, which is wrong on so many levels because im brown as fuck. the first few pictures are of me with a cigarette, smoking on and off campus. theyre from a year ago based on my hair colour. the other pictures are dated from two years ago and theyre filled with me in my school uniform.

the point of view is the part that leaves me cold in my bones. from above, places that cant easily be spotted. random corners capturing me sitting on my phone, bending over...looking around...

thats until i realize the lavender scrunchie in my hair. and the lack of bangs.

these arent just pictures of me. in fact, most of them are my sister.

next chapter

[ask-homestuck-shenaniquins]

[Text]

Gamzee, you said that Signless's family is gonna move in in the future, can you tell us about them? And more importantly, just how big is the house???

Oh BoY, tHaTs A bIg AsS fAmIlY yOuRe AsKiNg AbOuT

sO

fIrSt OfF tHeReS rOsA, tHe DoLoRoSa, If YoU wIlL, aNd Of CoUrSe ShE uSeD tO tAkE cArE oF hIm AnD sHiT- yOu KnOw ThE dEaL,

i HaVeNt PeRsOnAlLy MeT hEr? BuT fRoM wHaT iVe HeArD, sHe WaS kInD oF sTrIcT wHeN hE wAs YoUnGeR bUt BeCaMe MoRe AnD mOrE lOoSe AnD rEbElIoUs As He GrEw OlDeR, aNd PrOvEd HiMsElF aBlE tO tAkE cArE oF nOt OnLy HiMsElF bUt OtHeRs.

ThEn ThErEs PsIiOnIiC, wHoS hIs BeSt FrIeNd AnD iS hOnEsTlY jUsT. a FuN gUy? HeS a LiTtLe WeIrD, kInDa AlL oVeR tHe PlAcE, aNd I tHiNk He MiGhT hAvE sOmE uNdIaGnOsEd IsSuEs, BuT wE aLl PrObAbLy Do. He aPpArEnTlY hAs SoMe Of ThE sTrOnGeSt PsIiOnIiCs AnYoNeS eVeR sEeN.

ThE dIsCiPlE.

SiGnLeSs Is CoNsTaNtLy CrYiNg OvEr HeR...

sHeS fInE, jUsT nOt LiViNg WiTh Us RiGhT nOw. ApPaReNtLy ItS kInDa HaRd To OrGaNiZe An EnTiRe FaMiLy MoVe. ShEs SuPear bAdAsS fRoM wHaT iVe HeArD, aBlE tO tAkE dOwN bEaStS aS bIg AnD sTrOnG aS hIgHbLoOd.

*iD bE aStOnIsHeD iF sHe CoUlD- i DoNt ReAlLy WaNnA tEsT tHaT tHeOrY wItH mYsElF, tHoUgH.*

Im GoNnA sKIp KaNkRi, SiNcE hE lIvEs WiTh Us, BuT i CaN tAlK a BiT aBoUt KaRkAt.

...

HeS a ShOrT lItTlE aSsHoLe, KaRkAt If YoUrE rEaDiNg ThIs, FuCk YoU, i LoVe YoU :o)

HoNeStLy I hAvEnT sEeN hIm In AwHiLe, BuT aPpArEnTlY hE's GoTtEn ReAlLy GoOd At GiViNg DaTiNg AdViCe.

AlSo Im PrEtTy SuRe ThIs HoUsE uSeD tO bE lIkE, a TrOlL hOtEl Or SoMeThInG, sO, iTs KiNDa MaSsIvE??

iT aLsO mEaNs We CaN uSe Up As MaNy RoOmS aS wE nEeD tO aNd PrObAbLy StIlL hAvE lEfToVeRs :o)

[frostbite-the-bat]

Okay, my brain is still a little scrampled eg :tm: and foggy and I'll have to go to sleep again soon but I want to ramble about this as I think writing it down may help others but also help to ram it in my own head a little bit - so this may not be worded the way id like it to but hopefully the message will still come across

This is about fanwork/headcanons/aus and such - since I am working on quite a big Deltarune AU myself and I constantly worry about it not being "canon" enough, since it is meant to be canon-esk and develop things that the player doesn't see in the game.

But... That is kind of the magic of aus! You can do so much cool stuff with an existing media, potray things your own way, change things to suit your needs or change problematic things, add cool ocs, add cool headcanons and make them canon in the au and create things to support them even more, and other things!!! literally go ham and have fun!!!!!! i am thinking abt that one post that i rbd a while ago that i rbs bc of the last addition abt aus and how people should make oc worlds at that point (and how that is how twilight was created)

And I suppose, if you change canon characters too much and claim them as your ocs (like the fucking mass amount of spamton ex ocs, and we know how i feel about those /neg) but still!! literally just have fun its not harming anyone, only absolutely butthurt negative assholes!!! ive been worrying about changing stuff in **MY** au because one or two people out there may not like it.

if you were in the early bugsnax fandom you may remember the drama about people giving them tails. yes!! people argued abt giving grumpuses tails!! and like !!who cares!! change the designs however the fuck you want! go ham!! make them fluffy! give them cute ears and tails! give them paw pads! give them cool markings! make them in your design and make your version of them truly yours and make it fun to draw! im sure all those designs are lovely and fun and if you wanna do it nothing should fucking stop you

and same goes for me and other ppls hcs!! currently i was worrying about making everything kinda furry-esk in my dpau and all that, and the MASSIVE changes ive done to plugboys and yesmen especially (literally making yesmen snake people for several reasons)

and like!! who cares its not canon!! its MY interpretation!! its MY au!! my au that changes so much stuff and allows me to create an amazing oc story and world within an pre-existing media AND letting those characters interact with canon characters!! and add new stories with canon characters and expand canon species!! literally dont hold yourself back unless it stresses you out and shit! (i need to learn that lol..i add TOO much stuff) its not even canon and i fully know the difference!!!

but literally! its also an outlet for creativity and i think you should be allowed to go ham if you want. if someone tells you to not do something like give grumpuses tails or make the addisons fluffy theyre an asshole.

literally like as long as ur not making the media harmful like add gross shit like p//dophilia, z//philia and whitewash characters or do any other racist digusting shit then i think u should be allowed to have fun! wanna make smthn a furry? go on ahead have fun literally fuck ppl!! who is it harming????????? like! you can also dislike these things! just scroll look away, maybe block which is all fine and healthy you can and should do that! if a hc doesnt match yours and may make you uncomfy literally just ignore it. dont start shit thats pointless. spend ur time better, draw cute puppies instead or smthn!! or speak about it privately bc i think being a bit bitchy with friends is okay to have an outlet but if you go directly after someone literally fuck off. (i personally can confirm theres some things i bitch about a lot but guess what i also do!! i also block those things and look away!! and im actively tryna get better than be hurt over pointless stuff online bc its not smthn im proud of)

but like srsly.. let ppl have fun n shit!!! srsly theres no harm in it fjgirhgotr yall 2 serious

[eventually--darling]

i wanna hear more about your OCs in general...i didn't even know you had any til just now! would you care to gimme a little intro to your faves?

the ones I mentioned before are from my most precious WIP, as it crumbles. it's barely even a story at this point since it's been a fundamental part of my psyche for forever but. i do want to finish it someday and do the characters justice.

sooo for a little intro...

Joshua is the main protagonist of the story. he's a very sad little man with lots of repression and trauma, but he tries. he's a bit of a contradiction in that he doesn't treat people very well while simultaneously being chronically nice. it's a "too nice to form deep connections while also being generally an asshole without realizing it" kind of deal. or something. i wanted to make him more clear-cut type of mean but i am incapable of writing him that way. just isnt in his bones i dont think.

anyway, he's the son of the empress's (her title is more complicated than that but for the sake of simplicity, she is the empress) highest general. he grew up in the palace with his mother gone most of the time, but the empress sort of took him in as her own (derogatory). sadly she was very controlling and gave him almost no agency that he didnt specifically fight for. on top of that he is very bad at talking to people and taking the initiative unless he's been pushed into a corner along with other ~issues~ but! after [redacted] he finds courage, and forming a friendship with xenia helps him massively. overall an earnest wet rag of a man being held together with scotch tape and a constantly clenched jaw.

xenia is the main supporting character. she is very kind and sweet but strong-willed and idealistic. she is stuuuupidly loyal and will love you to DEATH. but she's also good at redirecting people when theyre going wrong. aka joshua lmao. her loyalty is also her downfall a bit though as she can put others before her a little too much. she is also not good at allll at strategy or planning. she just kinda *does things*, you know? i think that joshua's experience growing up in the palace where politics and strategy are more important than brute strength helps balance her out in this. he may be very stupid in a lot of ways but he is educated. she's also very physically strong and good at hand-to-hand combat and archery. mostly bc i thought it would be fun and sexy for her to shoot a bow and arrow. honestly need to give her more flaws... hmmmm. she is very special to me tho <3

avery is moooostly a side character. she was joshua's betrothed at the start of the story, but after he leaves her behind to go on his little hero's journey or whatever she realizes that she deserved better. bless her. im not really sure where she ends up in the story. i want them to meet again later and have her play a pivotal role but idk what it is just yet! she also forms a strong bond with xenia at some point, much to joshua's dismay.

personality-wise she is very long-suffering but kinda scary and cunning. she doesnt use this for evil tho. she is also very protective. i think that was from growing up with joshua and having to step in when he was being treated unfairly (which also unintentionally contributed to his dependence on others to take care of things for him but that's for a deeper dive than this). idk! she's smart and quick and good at thinking her way out of a situation. she is also excellent at embroidery!

those are kinda the three who have been on my mind lately, but there's also isamara, who is the empress, and jayla who is the seems-to-be-evil-but-it's-more-complicated-than-that antihero type and ashka and nathalia whose biggest roles were played before the story started, but still serve a veryyyy important purpose now.

this is already long tho so i will save them for another time! i think they are really cool and (i just realized) their characters contain like 99% of the magical elements in the story ushfsdu so if u are curious i'd be happy to give them an overview too :>

[bakugous-abs]

Ok so,, I'm not sure if this should be two separate asks but here goes - headcanon/scenario where a reader who has never really worked out her feelings crudely and unfiltered confesses to bakugou? How would he react? Does he know or have feelings for her too? Are they both super awkward or does he take the lead? Reader is a bit tsun and considers him a huge jerk so is really confused at how she also finds him hot. Possible scenario is during/after combat training? Much thankies :3

Enjoy!! I really liked this one and you hope you like what ive done with it. It turned out a bit long. Oops - Bomb

.

.

.

Warm sun crashed down onto the training ground, pounding your skin with hot rays that forced your body to sweat. The drops flowed down your cheeks, dancing as the wind knocked them around, making them split and converge with each other till they reached your chin or the tip of your nose where they would drip onto the hard ground.

It sucked to be absolutely honest. The heat was draining as you were forced to move around, dodging massive explosions from a particularly angry training partner. His screams of irritation for you to fight him or die trying bounced off the buildings and into your ears, but they were barely processed in your head.

Bakugou Katsuki. Known asshole to all, a friend of very few, a lover to none. A relentless jerk who constantly bullied his classmates and his supposed childhood best friend. A boy who doesn't even bother to remember the names of those he may be working with in the future. An absolute dick.

He royally pisses you off. He saunters around school without a single care for those he bumps into like he's the best thing this school was graced with. 

And yet. He was extremely attractive. That can be seen by anyone. A strong body structure with an equally sharp face to pair with it. His muscles were extremely toned for a high schooler, and jaw line so incredibly sharp you might as well be able to get a paper cut on it. Skin clear of any blemishes with an ever so slight tan to compliment it.

He was incredibly hot. If only he had a personality to match. Though by the permanent scowl that was imprinted onto his face, you guess it was only expected that he was not very friendly.

You hated him.

So why was it that this asshole could make your stomach flutter, your heart palpitate, and get your cheeks to become a rosy pink whenever he talked to you?!

The scowl that had unknowingly made it onto your face became even more defined. A growl emanating from your throat as you dodged yet another attack thrown at you by the blond, just barely escaping with no more than a graze from a surprised attack from his other hand.

He had no qualms with beating the shit out of anyone he came across to prove his point that he was the top dog, no matter their size or gender. 

You hated how completely admirable it was.

Bakugou let out an angry yell, "Why aren't you fighting me?! Stop fucking dodging me!"

You gave into his request, and landed on all fours, unleashing your quirk. Your vocal cords twisted and lengthened, and you unleashed a powerful roar similar to that of a lion. The sound waves combined with the wind from your voice sent a swirling mass of wind that flew up several thin layers of dust and debris that had collected on the ground. Even a few whole rocks were picked up and flew directly at Bakugou, surprising him.

Truth be told he didn't expect you to obey immediately, and that was a miscalculation that ended in him getting flown back a few feet back. He barely had time to fix his standing on the uneven ground before you came out from the swirling wind, spinning towards him and sending a powerful punch directly into what you assumed was close to his gut.

However you were slow to react to an explosion he let off on your arm that had connected with him, and got burned pretty badly as he was sent flying. A short yell of pain erupted from your throat that sounded similar to the roar from before, your vocal cords not yet going back to the size of a humans. A few more seconds and they would be back to normal. 

The burn on your arm pounded with every beat of your heart, heat radiating off of it from the explosion. Your skin was smoking and the scent of burning flesh filled your nostrils. 

Rage filled your heart as you stared at it, but not because it hurt (even though it did), but because of the fact that he was just so quick thinking. You never would have thought to counteract that, not that you had the reaction time to do so. It was one more thing you admired about him that sent your heart racing whenever you watched him fight. 

You howled in rage in your head. He was so unbelievably admirable and yet such a pain in the fucking ass!

He used this time you were staring at your wound to blast back towards you from wherever he landed and recovered from and taking hold of your neck, pushing you harshly back into a building wall.

"So now you decide to fight back huh?! After avoiding my attacks like a scaredy cat-"

"I am not a scaredy cat you asshole!" You grabbed hold of his arm and hooked your leg under his own and pulled, simultaneously twisting your body and sending him underneath you. 

You could feel the dam of your feelings breaking with every violent touch you inflicted on each other. It seemed you both were venting your anger today. But what the hell was he angry about that he had to take it out on you for?!

"Don't you EVER assume you know how I'm feeling!" The first crack in your dam caused the emotional water behind it to spurt out, the words tumbling from your mouth. Your grip tightened on the collar of his hero outfit, a mix of rage and overwhelming sorrow filled your expression. "You don't know the first thing about what I feel towards you!"

Bakugou didn't expect such an emotional expression to decorate your face. In truth, it surprised him, and he hated the way it made both his heart and his stomach hurt. He was about to retaliate when you began to speak once more.

"I hate you so much! You're such an asshole to everybody! Even your childhood friend if you can even call him that!" You could feel his muscles stiffen at the obvious reference to Deku. "But I admire you in almost every way that I hate you and it makes me sick! I hate how I want to spend more time with you each and every day despite how I know you feel about me!" 

Everything was coming out, you couldn't cry and yet you felt an awful need to. You hated this. Why were you feeling this way?

A sudden slam to your back brought you back to reality. Bakugou had flipped you over, putting both his hands on either side of your head.

"Dont be a hypocrite and assume that you know how I feel about you dumbass! Have you jot fucking realized that I feel the same?! How could you be so smart and top of the line and yet so unbelievably dumb as well?! I feel the same way you do and it also pisses me off!"

You were stunned. He felt the same? What did that mean? How were you supposed to make sense of and know if that's a good thing if you didn't even know what the feelings meant!

And then it suddenly hit you like a truck. You liked him. You had a crush on him. And he had a crush on you too. You both liked each other. And it pissed the both of you off.

Good god you were so dumb.

"Fuck." You whispered. You did not have the mental capacity to deal with this.

"I quit! I tap out!" You yelled, pushing the blond off you with every ounce of strength you had, your adrenaline starting to wear off and the wound on your arm was finally starting to process in your head. You hissed in pain as you held your forearm to your chest and to your heart, trying to hide both of them from the outside world.

"What?! You can't just tap out loser! Come back here and fight me!!" And yelled, going up and grabbing your shoulder, but you slapped it away.

"If you hadn't noticed, baka, I don't want to fight you! Not after realizing I like you! You don't realize how much that hurts, do you?! Take a hint!" You roared at him twirling around, not actually angry but more than a bit defensive.

There was silence behind you for a few seconds as you walked back to the school, hoping to get first aid, until you heard footsteps catch up to you and walk beside you, a gasp escaping your lips when you felt something brush against your hand.

"Dumbass." he grumbled. "Assuming what I'm feeling again." Was all he said as he walked close to you, sticking by your side the rest of the walk back, his pinky curled around your own in a small display of affection. Your heart beat fast, and a blush showed upon your cheeks. You looked the opposite direction.

"Dummy"

[teetlesandnimjas]

Actually FUCK IT IM GOING ON THIS RANT NOW. YOUVE ALL HEARD IT BEFORE BUT I DONT CARE IM MAD

SO 2012 Mikey is an ADHD-coded character. I don’t know if this was on purpose or not, either way it’s extremely obvious in his actions and speech. Quick note, I am also ADHD, so this rant will be a little bias, sorry. I have seen 3 seasons of this show, so I’m not uninformed. I had to stop watching MAINLY BECAUSE OF THIS:

IN THE SERIES NOT ONCE IS IT ADRESSED THAT MIKEY HAS A GENUINELY DIFFICULT TIME CONTROLLING HIMSELF AND HIS BRAIN, AND HES NEVER BEEN HELPED ONCE! HE’S ABUSED AND TREATED LIKE A BURDEN! And I didn’t want to get “mad” or “uncivilized” but you have to admit that MIKEY GETS BEAT UP AND MADE FUN OF JUST FOR WHO HE IS. He doesn’t have a filter, that’s obvious. Yeah, he can be a little brat, but it’s not his fault. You think he wants to be HIT OVER AND OVER AGAIN? He makes a mistake? Smack! He starts talking a lot? Smack! His attention seeking behaviors- more on that later- start to kick in? SMACK! He JUST FUCKING EXISTS AS HIMSELF? SMACK! And the worst part is ITS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? THIS IS A JOKE? No this is horrible! It’s- dare I say it- ABUSE! I know siblings roughhouse and playfully banter, but this isnt roughhousing, this is one sided and cruel. Mikey, who can’t control himself and his energy no matter how hard he tries, constantly RUNS AWAY from Raph, Leo, AND MAYBE EVEN DONNIE AT ONE POINT. The worst of it is Raph, yeah, OBVIOSULY. You put an “annoying” filterless teen in a room with a hotheaded asshole, not too good. But that’s still his brother. Raph also isn’t completely evil and horrible, he has genuine anger issues that could be solved with some quick education and a better outlet. BUT YOU’D THINK HE WOULD SPARE SOME KINDNESS FOR HIS F A M I L Y. It gets ridiculous! His solution for everything is HIT MIKEY. Now I don’t want to make assumptions, but one of my issues with my dumb dumb electric meat blob is the self-worth issues. I feel bad for what I say and do, because I can’t help it. Thankfully I have coping mechanisms and my ways of helping myself so I can work on staying quiet when I need to, and not feeling such loathing when I don’t. Yknow who DOESNT know what to do, and isn’t even sure why he’s like this and probably thinks he’s A SCREW UP BECAUSE THERES LITERALLY A WHOLE EPISODE ABOUT THAT? Mikey. AND YKNOW WHO DOESNT HELP? HIS FAMILY. YEAH THEY GREW UP IN THE SEWERS BUT YOUD THINK THE S C I E N T I S T WOULDVE NOTICED. But, no, Donnie verbally berates and belittles him. Leo’s okay, he does chase him around at only one point I can think of, and (albeit a headcanon that Leo’s autistic) he felt that Mikey disrespected something important to him, and yknow what fine as long as you apologize and don’t do it again, yeah whatever. It’s just ONCE. Raph hits Mikey EVERY EPISODE. AND ITS A J O K E??? N O. This genuinely influences young kids, especially young boys who were the target audience of the show, and this can HURT SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS. This normalizes the hitting and the yelling and the abuse. I don’t think siblings should roughhouse at all, and when they do it should be taken seriously and be treated as if two unrealated kids fought. A little fighting is natural, but THE LEVELS THE SHOW GOES TO HURTS. IT HURTS ME. I didn’t grow up with 2012, my parents wanted me to be all girly, but I watched 3 seasons about a year ago. And I hated the treatment of what I saw as a relatable character. Anyways stan Mikey, kill Raph, agree to disagree.

Oh and now because MIKEY ALSO HAS MASSIVE ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIORS here’s a mini segmant. I believe he is like this because of things like he wants constant attention and focus on him. He has a generally loud presence and he doesn’t try and hide it. The reason he probably doesn’t mask is because 1. He really can’t, he’s too exhausted to try because at this point nothing helps, and 2. Because he wants attention. And sadly that means negative attention too. A mix of ADHD and constant dismissive and negative behavior to you makes for a FUN RIDE when people aren’t giving you attention. And that’s really unhealthy. This probably stems either from or into self-esteem and anxiety issues. And I don’t want to say it’s HIS FAMILY’S FAULT but he spent 15 (or 16?) in the sewers with ONLY HIS FAMILY. If he needs constant attention and reassurance (and is infantalized which I ALSO HATE) then it’s probably because he didn’t receive enough positive attention when he was younger. In fact people even phrase things like “Attention-Seeking Behavior as a Symptom of Psychological Distress” which considering the show was “angsty” or “dark” I’m surprised they didn’t look into. If the show really wanted to be interesting I think they should’ve kept Mikey as an important character and not just comedic relief.

[scandeniall]

mirrors for friends //ch.2

| prev | next | masterlist

wc: 1180

pairing: TBD x reader

Ch. 2 // Here We Go

3 years ago 

“Atsumu move your fat ass head,” you groan, shoving your band mate slightly to see the tiny phone screen Mirrors for Friends we’re currently gathered around. The 4 of you were currently gathered in Iwaizumi’s living room, attempting and failing to all squeeze onto a tiny loveseat. You had called dibs on the couch and since it was Iwaizumi’s place, that left the remaining two members on the floor.

“Your head’s fat”

“You two shut up and let’s watch my masterpiece come to life.” Kuroo stops the two of you before you could start your usual bickering. He also ignored your comment about how you definitely pitched in, instead opting to rest his head on your knee. On the screen was a recorded rehearsal for a new song, Here We Go. Written primarily by Kuroo, the song became an unspoken anthem for the band. It’s a song about pure passion for making music, and following this dream. A sentiment shared by the rest of you. 

The song even throws a direct shot at your former band mate. Some guy you and Iwaizumi had met, who knows when. One day the two of you were just hanging out in a cafe and the next you thought you had a new friend. You guys thought he had been cool, and he was a pretty good singer. The four of you were already friends had just decided to combine your musical inclinations and form an official band. Not wanting to be the only one singing, you guys sought out another member and that turned out to be a huge mistake. While the rest of you were ready to put as much into this as you could,he was the only one not ready to take anything serious. Showing up late to practices, and when he did he had either been too high to function or so hungover that even the strum of an acoustic guitar “ruined his eardrums”. On the occasion he was a functioning member of the band, he’d always have something negative to contribute. 

“This song sucks, who wrote it.”

“Iwaizumi, how are you so tired after playing drums? You're sitting down”

You constantly had to act as a buffer between the dude and Kuroo. After all, at that early point he had been the only one really writing the music. So to have his lyrics constantly nitpicked by some jerk who only contributed a few measly vocals, only for your benefit. Then Atsumu has been no better. His purposeful backhanded compliments had caused a physical fight on several occasions. That hand the fact that he didn’t even try to be nice to the guy. After all, this rando comes in and starts insulting his friends? Thank god for Iwa being able to calm the other guy down enough for you all to at least get something done. 

That continued on for nearly a year, and by then you all had recorded several YouTube covers as well as like 2 originals in Iwaizumi’s basement and had started building a tiny following. The four of you still hung out together a ton and one day after your fifth member showed up to practice hungover and annoyed, all hell broke loose. It had started with a snide remark by atsumu about how it was nice that he’d finally showed up. An hour late. Somehow it got to the guy arguing about how you all took this shitty good for nothing band too seriously, and how you all were probably just having weird massive orgies whenever he wasn’t around. “This band is nothing but a joke. A stupid dream by a bunch of weirdos who aren’t going anywhere in life.” That day not only did you lose your fifth member, but he reignited the fire that had begun to dull in all of you. The four of you were going to make it. 

--

The sound of pen rapidly scribbling across paper, broke you out of your study induced trance. Glancing, up you noticed the closed laptop and textbook from the man you’d come to the library with. “That doesn’t look like peptides and amino acids to me.” The first time you caught a glimpse of Kuroo’s course work, and you were completely confused. Hell, you still are, but you’d been around the guy long enough to know that the scribbled words right now looked nothing like his little molecular pictures you’d seen him make before.

“(Y/N), Come here for a second and take a look at this.” Kuroo hadn't even acknowledged your comment, so curiosity got the best of you. Closing your laptop, and abandoning your seat, you moved so that you were leaning over his shoulder, squinting at his handwriting. “What am I looking at, all I see is your chicken scratch.” The seriousness in his voice caught you off guard as he mentioned that they were lyrics. 

This will always be mine, so much more than just a dream to me And I will never be fine with letting you ruin everything And I will never fucking follow your lead Give up on you, so you can take it out on me I'm sorry that you had to watch your life come tumbling down

“It's about us. The band, and how that asshole just tried to bring us down. I was thinking that might be a verse. Heavy guitar, maybe some type of solo back and forth with drums,” Kuroo hummed out eyeing your profile. “What do you think?”

“You know I already think you're a musical genius.” You shrug, turning so that the two of you make eye contact. The soft smile filters through his face before turning back into his usual lazy smirk. “Well of course I am. However, I have this riff in my head that I need to get out. You down for getting out of here?” You don’t miss the way his tongue quickly swipes across his lips before he breaks the eye contact and starts packing up his bag. “Yeah, lets go write a song.”

---

“We’re fucking awesome.” Atsumu said, the rest of you nodding in agreement. You all had broken into a quick debrief about the performance, everyone agreeing that Kuroo’s guitar work on the song was absolutely insane.”You guys are gonna make me cry,” the guitarist joked, soaking in the praise. Before you all added songs to your live shows you always did a video recording. You all would give it your all, performing as if it were an official show. That was how you gauged if a song would translate well live. Sometimes you all would have friends come by and watch those rehearsals, but now that everyone has grown up, it was much harder to do.

“This song almost feels like a theme song for us. Imagine we opened with it.” Iwaizumi added. “Good job writing this too Kuroo.”

“What can I say, I’m a musical genius-” he had been interrupted by your knee painfully coming into contact with his back. “I helped write the song too jackass.”

a/n: yeah i hope this structure is clear. still dont know which boy im gonna go with *though this chapter is kuroo leaning if u squint, but all the boys will get a leaning chap*. And, pls note that they've been a band for 6 years, but this song was written 3yrs ago and that is intentional. Also the song is Here We Go by sleeping with sirens yes.

[enby-freeman]

Not sure if you've answered this before, but I couldn't find it if you did lol. When making cats for various fandoms do you usually look up pics of different cat breeds when deciding what breed to make a certain character? I kinda wanna make some cats for a fandom of mine, but I'm not sure where to start 😅 Thanks a bunch ♡

Alright so the way I design different cats kinda depends on how I’m feeling for ideas? I think the best sorta example I have to explain is the three Gordons. So. These are the three Gordons:  

We have HLVRAI Gordon, HL Gordon, and FM Gordon. 

Now from looking at this its obvious with the massive ears that HL Gordon is based on a Oriental Longhair. For designing him I did use reference of that cat breed, as well as pick up marking ideas from my own cats! Fry is a tabby, but his whole bottom half and legs are totally white, so I gave this Gordon a marking like that.

However you dont always have to go off cat breeds, and can instead go off Character Personality!

HLVRAI Gordon was drawn off personality alone. This Gordon is constantly really stressed, on edge, and very frantic and panicked. So the cat for him was drawn to display that. Constant hair standing up, a big bushy tail, scars and rips in his fur to display his destructive and overall reckless nature.

FM Gordon is a good example of both. Hes based on the massive Forest Cat but also goes off Personality. Hes a huge asshole and kinda sucks and typically made to look like a cat you would try to pet but the second you try, he attacks you for literally no goddamn reason.

With characters who are related to one another I pick a specific breed for the first character, design them, and then go off that design for their sibling or other family member. This is how I designed the Layton family!

I hope...this helps? But if you need better examples just let me know qvq.