#she was right if you dont concern yourself with others needs nothing is a burden

[just-a-queer-fanboy]

I am slowly morphing into a less homophobic Nicole and to be honest it's saved me from so much bullshit

[cuinaminute229]

Like no other pt 3

Part 1  Part 2

Am I sorry? No

...

The sound of soft pattering against the window next to the bed brings you from the land of dreams, the room is splayed in the aura of lazy days full of rain. The blankets are a warm cocoon from the chill in the air. 

You feel safe and content. 

Soft rustling to your left makes the hazy fog of just waking up lessen but you don't want to start the day just yet.

"It's morning." You murmur out into the room before a hand grazes your bare shoulder underneath the blankets. 

"Stay." A whisper that's more of a sigh rather than a word makes you smile.

You immediately want to give in to the plea, you want to stay and ignore the world for just another day. 

"You know I can't." You whisper back and the hand that's on your shoulder travels further south, touch light as a feather, teasing.

"Stay," The plea is stronger now, more word than breath, "Please." 

Fingers graze soft skin that protects your ribs and you fight the chill that runs up your spine. "Stay." 

You let out a soft sigh before opening your eyes to see her.

Her eyes are so very blue, like the sky on a sunny afternoon, so blue and so bright and you feel like you're peering into her soul. 

There is nothing hidden in the depths of her gaze, all the yearning and hoping and wanting, you see it, you see all of it.

“Maria,” Her name a plea of your own. You don't want to hurt her, you don't want to tear this moment away from her, you don't want to do that. She’s so special and so beautiful, and she’s been your friend since forever. You don't want to cause her more pain than you already have.

You close your eyes when you feel her move closer, you can't look because there is so much in her eyes and you want to cry. “Please, please.”

Thunder sounds in the distance, the sky a darker grey. The rain has picked up in speed and force, thrumming against the window. “I want you to stay,”

You can feel her breath fan over your face, you can feel her against you. You feel her warmth and the softness of her skin, and you want to stay, you want to stay so bad. 

She’s slow, cautious when she leans closer, sharing the air you breathe. Giving you plenty of time to deny her, but you don't, you can't. 

You let her steal your breath, you let her pull you in, you let her make your choice.

…

The sky is blue when you look up, the few clouds are scattered to win a race that declares no winner. 

The sun is bright and daring, and looking down on you as the minutes tick by as you wait. Birds chirp and prance around the sidewalks as they look for anything edible, children laugh and scream in glee as they explore the park as parents watch like guardian angels.  

It’s peaceful.

“Hey there stranger, long time no see.”

You’re brought from your thoughts when you hear her voice and you give the blonde a smile when you catch sight of her, walking towards you with purpose and a smile.

“It’s good to see you too Carol.” You barely have time to stand from the bench before she’s pulling you into a hug that steals the breath from you. You’ve forgotten how strong she is, how amazing her hugs are as you relax in her embrace. “You can't leave for that long again. I won't let you.” 

You chuckle at her declaration. “I don't doubt it.”

Light brown eyes search your face when she pulls back, hands still on your shoulders. “How are you doing?” She asks and you give her a soft smile. “I’m doing good.”

She nods with a smile that you know all too well. “I’m glad you’re back, now come on.”

You follow her, slightly behind but close enough. 

“Where exactly are we going again?” You wonder aloud as Carol slows to walk beside you. She glances up as she thinks and you wonder if she misses the stars, the need for nothing to hold her down. “Where do you want to go?” She asks after a few steps, turning to look at you and the sun makes her hair shine enough that you remember the first time you saw her glow, she was glorious and proud and showing no fear. 

Carol Danvers is a sight to behold. 

“Lost in the stars?” She nudges your shoulder when it takes too long to respond. 

“Not the only one,” You tease her and she shakes her head with a grin. “Always.”

“How was the mission?” She rolls her shoulders back and pushes her hands in her front pockets as the two of you stop at a crosswalk. 

“You know I can’t tell you.” You say as you press the arrow button three times just for good measure. Turning to her when it repeats that you have to wait. 

“Well,” She shrugs her shoulders and you raise an eyebrow at her as cars breeze past, people hurrying to work or doctors appointments or to meet family, everyone seems in a hurry to get to where they need to be.

“You know the rules, captain.” You remind her as you reach out and press the arrow again because you can. “Yeah,” Carol lets out a sigh before she takes a step closer, her eyes glued on the traffic light. 

“You’re okay though, right?” She sounds concerned and you choose not to look at her as the light turns green and the two of you start walking. 

The seconds count down as you walk across the street, big and red as it gets closer to zero. It reminds you of a timer and you find yourself biting your tongue to stay in the moment, away from the memories that have shaped you as you are. 

“I’m back,” You tell her as if she doesn't know. “I came back when I didn't want to.” 

“I know.” Voice low and soft, a realization to what's already known.

…

The whispers of the morning linger as the day draws on and you’re not quite able to forget what happened. 

You don’t think you’ll ever forget what happened. 

The echoes that were drowned by the pouring rain, the feather light touches that seem to linger still, the view you see when you close your eyes makes you wish this morning never ended.

She was so beautiful, so willing to give you everything. So very- 

“How’s Natasha?” Maybe you're trying to distract yourself from your thoughts, maybe you really do want to know how she’s doing. Maybe you still aren't running if you ask about her.

You glance over at Carol who’s picking apart her sandwich, pulling the bacon off and placing it on the side of the plate, she looks deep in thought and you don't want to repeat the question again, not if she’s lost to the stars at the moment.

“She was worried.” Her words are well thought out, slow and calculated and you know she’s trying to say the right things. “When you left, everyone was.”

She wipes her hands off with a napkin and you wonder if she will continue. “Why didn’t you tell anyone you were leaving?” She finally looks up from the food to look at you, she looks hurt and you swallow the guilt that you feel. 

“I did tell someone.” You respond after a second where you wish you didn't have to face what you did. Carol nods and you choose to grab a fry and eat half of it so you don't have to say anything more.  

“Yeah, you told one person.” You see her nibble at her bottom lip and yes you do feel guilty. 

You clear your throat before explaining more. “I told who I needed to, that was it.”

“But you didn’t tell her.” No, you suppose you didn’t.

She picks up her sandwich, elbows on the table as she goes to take a bite and you want her to let this conversation go, let it drift past like the wind that rustles the leaves that still cling to the tree.

But she stops short, looks you in the eyes when she says her next words, and you swear for just a split second she wasn't your friend anymore.

“You hurt her.”

You look away from eyes that have seen past the universe, eyes that blaze like burning suns. You look away and pick up the napkin that’s resting next to your drink, bring it into your lap and wad the tissue up in a ball.

A part of you knows she doesn't mean to hurt you with her words, hopes that she doesn't intend to rip open old wounds and let them bleed free, prays that she doesn't mean to blame the pain you feel on you.

“She hurt me.” Your words are a weak whisper, a declaration on your behalf. She knows this, the entire team knows this.

It’s not a secret well kept.

You let out a sigh when you accidentally drop the wadded up napkin on the ground, watch it roll away like it doesn't want to share your burden.

“You hurt everyone when you chose to run away.” The judgment in her voice makes you clench your jaw. “Do you know what happened after you left?”

“Do you really think I’m oblivious to the pain I’ve caused?” You look at her and you make sure not to let her see how much it hurts. “Do you really think I did this on purpose? I left because if I didnt I don't know what I would have done if I stayed.”

Maybe you ignore the knot in your stomach that makes you want to vomit, maybe you ignore the look in her eyes when she realizes that she might have pushed you too far, but you dont ignore the people who turn your way, the ones who eavesdrop and gossip.

The two of you have brought more attention to you than you're comfortable with. “I’m leaving.”

Your half eaten sandwich and few fries that are left stay on the table as you get to your feet and walk away.

…

The smell of salt and the view of the sea does nothing to help the nausea you feel. It should be relaxing and calming and able to push your worries away but it doesn't help.

You see the waves crash and chase each other, never still for more than a moment. The gulls that ride the breeze as it drags the smell of the ocean through the air, the pelicans that are not bothered by the crashing of dominance as they only look for fish close enough to steal.

It reminds you of home, of days full of sun and sand. Treasure hunts to find the biggest and prettiest shell you could, races to see who could build the tallest sandcastles. 

You wish it wasn't accompanied with the guilt in your stomach and the weight on your shoulders.

You want to run back to before you left your bed, you want to feel what you felt then. Safe, content, loved. 

You want to hide under the covers and bask in the warmth of the person next to you, you want to memorize the depths of the sky.

But here you are standing alone on a pier looking out at the sea feeling sick to your stomach and terrified of what you have to face.

You feel like such a terrible person.

For running, for feeling so many things you think you might break, for wanting to hang the towel up and say that you’re done, for begging for an excuse to not look her in the eyes. 

You wish that you never bought that ring, you wish you never even considered the idea. To want to marry her, to want to share her name, to want for things you knew were out of reach.

With a breath that brings you almost to tears, you try to ignore the way your feelings seem to bleed out for all to see.

You love her, you still love her. You don't think you'll ever stop loving her. But Natasha chose what happened, she decided that you weren't enough, that she wasn't enough.

“I’m sorry.” You watch as a boat moves through the sea at a crawl, slowly growing smaller as it bravely sets out for some adventure you hope is fulfilling. 

“I don't want your pity, I don't want your regret.” You say the words you hope she will listen to as you lean back and gaze at the sky, hands still holding the wooden railing. 

You let out a breath that is stolen by the breeze as you force yourself to leave a fraction of your pain where you stand. 

The view above you is still so blue and bright, not a cloud in sight and you remember this morning with a sad smile.

You've always loved how Maria's eyes share the color of the sky.

“I just want you to be my friend.” You turn to the blonde when you speak those words. 

“Okay.” She nods and you give her a smile before letting go of the railing and walking back to the beach. She doesn't say anything more as she comes to walk beside you and even though you know there is something on her mind you choose to take what she’s given you.

…

Steve greets you with a cautious smile when you finally give in and follow Carol to the compound and even though you still haven't completely forgiven him you smile back.

“How are you?” He asks after Carol excuses herself and you shrug off his comment with a shrug. 

“How are you? You look good.” You notice his hair is a little longer and he hasn’t shaved in a few days but he looks well rested and not so brought down by the weight of so many responsibilities that come with being such a hero. “Yeah, yeah. I’m good.” He nods and you watch as hair falls in his face. 

“You need a haircut buddy.” You tease him and Steve glares at you playfully before he runs his hand through his hair and that does absolutely nothing to fix it. 

“I kind of like it.” He admits with a shrug and you nod, it does look good on him.

“You just get back?” He asks and you smile through the lie. “Yeah, just got back.”

You follow him into the kitchen where you hear the familiar sound of the coffee maker, taking a seat on one of the empty stools that stand at the kitchen island as he goes to grab a cup from one of the cabinets.

“Why are you having coffee now?” You ask in curiosity and Steve does a terrible job at hiding his amusement as he places his cup next to the coffee maker and waits. 

“It’s not for me,” He gives no more explanation than that and you only wonder who it’s for, the coffee mug he chose doesn't look familiar.

“Cool, cool.” You nod before silence pushes its way between the two of you, and you can't help the selfishness you feel for blaming him for what happened back then, for not hearing him through when he tried to explain before you left. 

You felt so many things back then, so much and so deeply and you don't even know how you didn’t end up do something stupid or reckless. 

A part of you had wanted to follow her when she walked out, wanted to understand why she thought you weren't enough for her.

Maybe it was your pride, maybe it was your bleeding heart that rooted you down making it impossible to move, or maybe it was the fear of everything blowing up even more than it already had but you let her walk away.

“I don’t want what you want.” 

The words ring in your mind like church bells, loud and all consuming, echoing but never leaving you in silence. 

“I’m sorry.” The soft spoken apology brings you back from thoughts of the past and you blink away the tears that carry your pain.

“It's…” You trail off.

Not okay. 

You wish you could forgive him, you wish you didn't blame him even just a little but you do and you don't know when you can fully forgive him for something that wasn’t solely his fault. “You were only doing what I asked you to, it’s not… your fault.” He nods at your words before turning and busying his hands with pouring the coffee into the mug.

He told you once, before you got the courage to ask Natasha out, that he thought the two of you would be good for each other. That you should face the uncertainty of her feelings toward you with confidence, you would never know if you didn't ask, right?

“You’re still my friend Steve. That hasn’t changed.”

You call out as he’s about to turn the corner to leave the kitchen, you need him to know that. That no matter what, he’s still your friend.

He gives you a nod that lets you know you haven't lost him and you breathe a little easier.

...

“Hey,” You don't turn around to see her, you don't look up from the glass of brandy in your hands, you don't think you can. 

“It’s… good to see you.” 

“Yep.” You mutter as you finish your drink and place it down on the counter. “So good,” The sarcasm is clear in your voice and you ignore the urge to look up when you feel that she’s moving closer.

You don't want to look up, you don’t want to see her a year older than before. You don't want to feel your chest cave in when you see her, when the breath is stolen from you and held hostage.

You missed her, god you missed her so much and now she’s right here and you can’t even look at her. 

“I’m sorry.” Maybe it’s the drinks you’ve had or maybe it's the emotions that keep piling up that pull the words from you, but all you know is that they ring true. 

You’re apologizing to her and a part of you wants to snatch it back before it takes flight, before there is no way you can get it back. 

But you are sorry, for being weak, for falling head over heels for her, for loving her so much that she had to turn away to breathe. 

“I’m sorry.”

...

[morgana-ren]

SUBMISSION: How about a nasty sweaty incel shiggy waiting everyday for his dad to go to work so that he could have his relief with stepmom? 

Excellent submission! Love that. Love that a lot! I find it only fair to warn you, however, that I won’t be doing mommy kink for it. Mommy kink is one of my squicks, and one of the very, very few I have. I’ll do the closest thing to it though: Daddy kink. Also I find the irony of him making his little stepmom call him daddy to be absolutely hilarious.

Also this one is a great concept and I love it but it’s going to have to be a multi-parter cause it got a little bit long. Lemme know if you like the concept and I’ll continue it. Also this posted under anonymous for some reason so cheers to tumblr and its endless fucking glitches that it never fixes or seems to make any better.

Warnings: Noncon, dubcon, sexism, really gross incel behavior, nsfl things, masturbation, violent sexual fantasies, nefarious planning, horrible suggestions from even more horrible friends, absolute LOATHING of family, and entitled bastard.

There is only one thing on this planet that Tomura hates more than his father.

Only one thing can even compare to the level of abject disgust he has for his dad. Everything about the man is abhorrent and degenerate, only tolerated because Tomura is, admittedly, a NEET, and had no where else to go after graduation. But if anything- anything- could hold a candle, it would be his taste in women.

All women are trashy on some level, but his dad really manages to find ones that pretend so hard that they aren’t. Vipers behind the veneer of smiling faces clad in red lipstick and smart skirts. Always “kind”, always “thoughtful”, and always fleeting. Fickle, stupid bimbos charmed by his dads surface level charisma to quickly realize just how shallow the pool became.

Even his own mom was like that: She fucked off once she realized staying with him meant staying with his dad, and that was a sacrifice she wasn’t willing to make. So she left him to rot in this cesspit with his worthless father and no other way out.

He figures he can’t hold it against her, not as much as he’d like. A few weeks with his shriveled up paternal figure and most women quickly figure out they can do so much better. It’s in their nature to seek out the best, and that certainly isn’t Kotaro; A bumbling idiot with nothing to offer on the best of days. They don’t know any better, so they never last long after being brought home to meet his son, and those are the ones that even make it that far.

So when he starts yammering on about meeting yet another skank and how ‘in love’ he already is, Tomura’s eyes roll so far back in his head that he swears his retinas will detach. He makes a point to be around as little as possible, but somehow still manages to catch an earful about his latest fling and how excited he is for Tomura to meet her.

Great.

True to his word, Kotaro brings you home one evening, eager to impress his son with his latest catch.

His father had a lot of nerve dragging him from his room to meet you- his latest glorified slut. Adding insult to injury, you had the unmitigated gall to talk down to him like you were an adult and he wasn’t. Even though you had to crane your neck to look up and greet him, you still talked at him like he was some child. So different from you even though you were so much smaller than he was- barely even a few years older than he is, if even that. 

So polite, introducing yourself and gently shaking his reluctant hand, making a point to smile at him and telling him how happy were to finally meet him and that you’d heard so much about him. Your hands were so soft, so little in comparison to his own. He dwarfs his pathetic father, practically towers over you, yet you still talk to him like you’re the adult in the equation.

So young, so pretty, though. Far better than anything his father had a right to pull. They weren’t exactly swimming in cash, the house was nothing in particular to gloat about, and he’d done enough eavesdropping around late at night to know his father suffered a particular… ailment, so it certainly wasn’t sexual satisfaction keeping you around. What was it then? 

Probably nothing. You’d probably run off in a few weeks like they all do.

Kotaro is a worthless sack of drooping skin and aging bones; A ghost of a man not worthy of the phantoms he’s seen pass in his years. No longer the dominant male even in his own home: not with a stronger, more virile son coming into his prime under the roof as well. A beta male at best, withering away while his own son eclipses him in strength and intellect and physique. Tomura is in his mid twenties and blooming- His father… who even knows. He doesn’t care- he doesn’t bother to keep track. 

So, maybe you really are just a dumb little whore. It would make sense. Father dearest always had been a dirty old man; A raging pervert with wandering hands and lingering eyes. Always sets his predatory sights on some cute thing too good for him. 

Then again, the poisoned apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, now does it?

You’re cute enough you could have gotten some alpha at your beck and call, yet you’ve attached yourself to his worthless father who, in turn, parades you around like his most beloved trophy. Taking you to dinners he can’t afford despite your ‘insistence’ that you be allowed to pay, buying you things you claim you don’t need. Oh, how the moron dotes on his whores as if it’s enough to keep them anchored to him.

Strangely though, you don’t run off.

If anything, you sink your claws in even further, getting more and more comfortable and showing up more and more. Every time Tomura leaves his fucking room- which isn’t often- you’re there around the corner, smiling dumb and pretty and greeting him politely.

Fuck, he hates you. Hates your stupid voice, your shitty dresses, hates hearing his father happy for once.

It’s no surprise- but unwelcome no less- that he’d move you in sooner rather than later. Terrified to let you out of his sight for even a second lest you come to what little senses you have in your tiny brain and dump him. Of course, he’s quick to take on all of your burdens as his own, even if it means working overtime to support you. He’s always wanted another little housewife, and now he’s so close.

Tomura listens in on the whole conversation feeling sick to his gut.

You beg him not to- offering to pay your own way just like a good girl, but of course his dumbass dad will hear none of it. He’s more than happy to spend a couple of extra hours at work. His dad is so idiotic, so fucking blind. He’s playing right into it. He’s willing to be your workhorse if it means keeping you all to himself.

He’ll hear none of it. None of the fussing or the questions. You’re welcome in his home, he wants you there. It’s no imposition at all, he knows the house will be better with you around.

Except he forgets one crucial detail-

The son he leaves home alone with you every single day when he leaves. 

You’re nothing but a nuisance, something infringing on his private space. The time he used to get home alone to spend to his own devices is now split with you flittering around the house doing whatever it is bimbos like you do. Cleaning, cooking, pretending to read, whatever. He doesn’t have to see you if he doesn’t want, sure, but he still knows you’re there and that’s more than enough to annoy him.

It’s almost like you catch on to his animosity after a while. The way he won’t greet you back, the way he utterly ignores your existence. It bugs you, and as far as he’s concerned, good.

You try to slip him up, try to get close to him and make him like you. You always set a place for him at the table even after Kotaro repeatedly insists- truthfully- that he’ll never join for dinner. Even then, you always bring the plate to his door. He never bothers to answer- not after the first few times when he only opened it a sliver to see your stupid smiling face. After that, he didn’t bother answering. He’ll eat it of course- won’t pass up free food he doesn’t have to leave his room for- and then leave the dirty dish back outside where you left it. You brought it, after all. You can clean it up. 

All your efforts only get you mocked, and boy do you try so hard to get his affection. He even overhears you whining to his dad once or twice, not understanding why he doesn’t like you.

It makes him smile.

His friends- online of course, but still friends or comrades or kindred spirits or whatever- have more opportunistic ideas about it. His first post to the forum complaining about the new living situation was met with envy and awe- not necessarily the response he was expecting, though looking back on it, he supposes they were right. 

lmpwrst: Why u bitchin’? Ur living with a girl ur not related to and that’s closer than any of us have gotten u ungrateful ass

KingKockRool: Go jerk off on her pillow.

Stacystabber91: take a video hold her down and fuck her then idiot

KingKockRool: No wait till she’s sleeping and jerk it on her face

st8lker: Bet she’s ugly tho if she’s dating your dad lol

Oddly enough, he doesn’t agree. That’s one thing he understands about you, loathe as he is to admit it. His new ‘stepmom’, for all her annoyances, is pretty easy on the eyes. The kinda girl that would have caught his eye in an unrelated situation and earned a permanent spot in his spank bank. Thinking about it, the whole ‘dating his dad’ situation maybe threw off his judgement more than he realized.

He’ll let the jury decide: He finds a photo on your social media, crops everyone else out of it, and hits enter. Easy peasy. He saves it to his hard drive for later too. Might as well.

‘Here, you decide then.’

Thus the shitstorm begins. 

st8lker: Oh fuckkk fuck me mommy lmao

lmpwrst: Opportunity is wasted on u

Stacystabber91: you pussy punk bitch, i stand by what I said earlier. dont be a bitch and fuck the little cunt already

VolceliSwear: Whos the bitch

lmpwrst: Scratchy’s new stepmommy lol 

VolceliSwear: Nice. Hit it yet?

Stacystabber91: he hasn’t cause he’s a gigantic fuckin pussy like i told you all

VolceliSwear: Come on dude you actually have that gash sleeping in your house and you haven’t made a move? 

Stacystabber91: it’s not like she could say no cause you’re a big lanky bastard aren’t you? that’s one thing we got over the shortcels and you’re bigger and stronger than her so take what’s yours idiot or I will 

lmpwrst: I agree with SS lol U complain all the time about not having a hole to fuck and now u do

VolceliSwear: ^^ Isn’t your dad a limp-dicked prick who can’t get it up? Someone’s gotta do it so it might as well be you. Hit the bitch so hard and fast she doesn’t know what way is up

Stacystabber91: and send pics moron I want to see tits or I’m coming over there to do it myself

It’s an… intriguing thought. To be honest, he’s never actually considered fucking you before. Had the passive thought like he does with most girls he sees, but never stopped to think on actually doing it. For some reason, there was a mental wall between him and his father’s girlfriends. But why should there be?

Depraved little bastard that he is, he’s not above cornering a girl and forcing himself on her but he’s not keen on going to jail, so he’s never escalated past creepy photos and following the occasional broad a little too closely. Maybe a couple gropes in passing… okay, maybe a lot. But he’s never gotten caught- maybe the girls don’t report it or just couldn’t find him afterward. Either way, it’s all worked out so far because he doesn’t cross certain boundaries.

Most girls are repulsed by him and his repugnant behavior, so they stay far, far away. It’s like he’s a giant blaring warning sign that they tend to heed instinctively.

But you don’t. 

This is different. You live here, so close to him, so within reach. Just how close you are. How easy it would be for him to force you down and make you take it. Just how much time alone he really has with you since his father leaves and returns like clockwork. He’s got the entire day once his father leaves for work. And all night once he takes his sleeping medication. An easy, pretty little catch already wiggling in his web.

 ‘Maybe I will.’ 

That’s how it starts. 

Snowball into snowstorm.

With an idea and a lot of goading from his online buddies, a monster is born and weaned on his own depravity and escalates into something very real, and very dangerous.

Tomura is achingly familiar with the scene- he’s seen enough porn to give him ample ideas. But he’s got all the time in the world. It’s hard not to rush things considering how eager he is, but it’s safer to test the waters first. Get you nice and scared so you’ll keep your pretty mouth shut unless he tells you to open it for him. See how far he can get, how much he can toy with you before you finally catch on.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll fuck him willingly. You are a stupid little slut, after all. Most of you females are deep down beneath that holier-than-thou, stuck up bitchiness you hide behind.

So he starts with a time honored tradition. He steals your panties. 

The bathroom is cluttered with your shit. Your fruity shampoos and conditioners, your makeup, your perfumes. Tomura has a toothbrush and a comb he doesn’t use, a bottle of 3-1 for when he forces himself into a shower, and a singular gray towel, but the rest is between you and his father. Your body washes, your scrubs, your clothes in the hamper. 

It’s easy enough to fish out a fresh pair- only a couple of hours old. Some lacy contraption you must’ve been wearing beneath your clothes and carelessly left in the bin when you showered. It’s easy to pocket them before you hear him rummaging around, and maybe you’ll miss them, but that’s not his problem. Washer eats things all the time, doesn’t it?

He’s hidden back in his room, safely dodging you before he allows himself to indulge- Bringing them to his nose and inhaling the doubled fabric of the crotch so hard that it catches on the edge of his nostrils. 

Fuck, your cunt smell good- tangy and sweet but the tiniest hint of bitter. A couple of whiffs is enough to get his cock twitching, inflating into a painful hardness as he hears you walking around outside in the hallway. Shit, you’re so fuckin’ airheaded, walking around so oblivious as he tongues at the cloth that was nestled right up against your pussy until a few hours ago. He can taste you, sucking your left over essence through his teeth and he swears he’s going to cream all over the inside of his jeans if he doesn’t jerk off right now. 

He’s quick to drop his sweats and sprawl on his bed, thumbing the tip of his prick and licking gratuitous stripes up the slim of your discarded panties with his tongue. You’d look so good sucking his cock; On your bruised knees, face a slathered mess of cum and saliva and running makeup. Bulge in your throat from taking him so deep and trying so hard to please him like you always do- or maybe avoid a painful punishment because he isn’t above using his hands on you and you learned that the hard way.

The thought of your ruddy, soppy face makes him throb- fucking your wet little throat until you’re suffocating, pulling out to let you breathe only to cum on your face. Yanking you up to bend you over the stove and force you to make his worthless father’s dinner with his spend tacking across your face and his cock lodged deep in your cunt. Worthless fucking sack of shit that his father is, he’d spit in it too and make you serve it to him with a smile while your actual daddy watches you do it and rewards you later with his dick fucking you between your tits.

Fuck yes, that’s what he’ll make you do. He’ll make you call him daddy when he creampies you- the opportunity is too perfect to pass. He’ll fuck his father’s pretty whore as she screams and moans for daddy’s cock while his father is away at work to pay all her frivolous bills like the beta-cuck he is. None of the work and all of the reward- as it should be.

It’s not like Kotaro can fuck you, and his friends are right. Someone should. So why not him? Why not spread your legs for your boyfriend’s younger, more powerful son? Oh, sorry, did he give you the illusion that you had a choice? He’ll take what is rightfully his and there’s not a fucking thing you or his pathetic fucking father can ever do about it.

He plucks your panties from his face, moving them instead to work over his cock. It would feel so much better if you were wearing them- grinding your sweet little cunt against his dick, begging him not to fuck you but getting so wet all the same. The silky fabric feels so good against his hypersensitive skin, coupled with the clenched pumping of his fist as he daydreams about railing you into his filthy mattress until you’re too weak to even move on your own, his cum dripping from every one of your used holes. Limp, useless little whore too fucked out to even fight him as he fucks her in the ass again-

Fantasies swirl in his head, flashes of scenarios that tease him and work him into a frenzy. He’s going to cum hard to the thought filling you, your agonized face as the tip of him knocks against the opening of your womb, buried so deep in your cute pussy that he can feel the wall that keeps him firmly locked out of your guts. So close, so tight, so warm. He’s going to pump you full to the brim like the skank you are, fill you nice and thick full of his seed and then use you again and again and again-

He feels it in his spine, waves of pleasure furling at the base and congealing together impossibly tight, so ready to burst. His thighs flex, muscles in his stomach tightening and breath staggering. Searing white behind dry, clenched eyes and his cock twitches in his palm, knot bursting deep between his legs as his hand stills momentarily. His hands twitch, cock throbbing as thick ropes of cum spill over the slats of his fingers, splattering his stomach and the waist of his sweatpants and all over your adorable little panties. 

“Shit-” 

Shallow, shaky breaths, still seeing stars popping behind his eyelids. Fuck, he hasn’t cum that hard in- well, a very long time. Is it the thought of having something tangible soon? His very own cunt to abuse? Grinning, he looks down at the absolutely drenched pair in his hand, sticky with fresh seed.

He thinks so.

Instinctively, he wipes the excess off his fingers and onto his dirty, rumpled black sheets, swiping across his shirt and his skin. Just another ‘mystery spot’ among the rest, soon to become a crusty, flaked white stain on the fabric among all the preexisting ones.

With some effort on his part, he sits up, still trying to catch his breath. He thought post orgasm clarity might deter him from this path, but if anything, he’s even more determined now. Why should he sit and touch himself in a dark room when there’s a perfectly good set of holes to fuck wandering around freely outside?

Oh yeah, this should work out just fine.

There’s a knock on the door while he’s still wading through his gross thoughts, softly at first but then slightly more insistent. It jolts him alert, irritating him that he’s being bothered when he’s scheming. He’s already finished the dirty dead, all ready to put himself away for now but it’s still jarring none the less when someone comes around so closely to him wanking. A quick dash at the clock tells him it’s not dinner time yet, so what gives? Why are you bothering him now? Nothing is ready yet.

He tucks himself away and quickly buries your soiled underwear in the pocket of his sweats. Quickly wiping any remnants on the knees of his pants before swinging his door open, agitation palpable as he greets your stupid, sunny face.

Speak of the she-devil.

“Hi, Tomura! Just wondering if you have any laundry or anything you want me to take!” “N-”  He’s about to slam the door. About to. But you know what? You want his laundry? Sure. He’s got some for you.  “Yeah- yeah, sure.” 

He steps back from behind the door, letting it creak open a little as he rips off his freshly re-soiled sheets.

“Oh, good! Yeah, I’m throwing in my own so I’ll take your load too-“

Yeah you will.

Balling it up, he chucks it at you as you curiously peek your head in. You’ve never seen the inside of his room, but soon you’ll see plenty. He doesn’t know if you can feel the fresh cum on the sheets, but he’s willing to bet you can probably smell it. To your credit, you barely falter, even with the sheet cradled in your bare arms.

You’re probably having a moment of “understanding.” ‘He’s a young man with no girlfriend and no other outlet. Of course he’s going to wack off’ and all that. It’s cute, the way you pretend not to notice. That’s okay, he’ll give you something you can’t ignore.

He steps up to the door again, yanking his black shirt over his head and dropping it in your arms with a shit eating grin.

“Oh- okay, yeah-“

Your sentence halts completely as he starts to strip off his pants and you’re left staring in slight horror as your stepson strips down to his boxers in front of you before placing his sweats on the top of the pile you’re carrying- right by your face.

“I’ve got some more dirty boxers if you think you can handle anymore.” He’s grinning like a fiend, reveling in your poorly concealed discomfort as he leans against the doorframe, swinging out towards you. You’re backing away from him, desperately trying to keep your eyes up and away from his very exposed body, and especially the half hard cock tenting the front of his boxers. Your face is turning a viciously dark shade, stifling your breathing because he just knows what you’re refusing to see, you can almost certainly smell.

“Um- nope! This should be a full one! I’ll get them back to you soon!”

“Oh, take your time. No rush.” 

You scurry off down the hall much quicker than your usual casual walk, probably to scrub your arms clean with iron wool. Poor little thing, just trying to be nice and this is what it gets you.

He cackles something fierce as he shuts his door again, going to look for your ruined panties to post a pic but remembering they’re still in the pocket of his sweatpants, covered in his cum and saliva. A fun little surprise for you to find when you go through pockets to ensure nothing gets stuck in the washer.

And he notices, in the coming days, you stop leaving your clothes in the hamper- or even being able to meet his eyes.

Oh, this should be fun.

[weebsinstash]

I think it is time to cute her out sweetling. She sounds like a narcissist, and from what you just trauma dumped it sounds like she likes being the victim. You shouldn't put up with that.

There is nothing you can do to help her right now or possibly ever and that burden should never have fallen to you. It's sweet you want to see her get better, but you are burning yourself to keep her happy. This isn't a situation that has a case where everyone wins.

Protect yourself first, heal yourself, and maybe someday things with her will change. But her choices aren't your problem, it's not your job to fix them, and it's not your job to give up your own health to make others happy; family or not.

Yes your sister is going through a lot and I understand wanting to help, but as someone with most of the mental health problems you mentioned (bpd, ptsd, depression, bipolar) I can with confidence say it doesn't excuse her behavior to you and your mother.

I have pitty for her, she's so blinded by her self made excuses that she can't see the wonderful sister she has.

I just can't help but think, like, mom and I wonder if there's something undiagnosed? She says ever since my sister was a child she would always need things repeated and would ask "what do you mean" and there was an age where everyone thought she behaved really strangely? And I wonder if she has undiagnosed ADHD because that can affect your focus, your mood regulation, things like that, and I hear ADHD can also explain excessive sleep which has a a lifelong issue for my sister. Its uh, it's also worth mentioning that apparently vyvanse/Adderall is one of the things she's occasionally using recreationally/buying off the street

But. I also. I also keep clinging to that possibility because its less painful to consider "maybe she just has some sort of disability and she literally can't help being this way" over "theres nothing we can do, she has to choose for herself what to do and she doesn't want to"

I just. I think I'll take the route of maybe sending her a message every now and again like once a week but im going to have to lower my expectations for hearing back from her. I just... I can't completely cut her off because she already feels so alone and thinks we don't care. What if me doing something to cut her off drove her to... I dont even want to think about whatever she might do. If she even cares about me that much.

It's just. She's been through so much. I can understand how that damages someone. There are times I let my depression get extremely bad and I had to hit the bottom before I get better or try to start taking meds again and I hope the same can happen for her but. She has. A lifetime of these bad decisions. I feel like I'm watching her self destruct. I literally feel like I need to get into contact with our father and have him talk to her about this as a former addict/alcoholic, and I haven't spoken to that man in years. Like. Im desperate.

My mom is heartbroken too. She's 57 and she's worried about how my sister and I will take care of ourselves after she's gone. She even said during the visit "you'd think your sister would show some sort of concern that I'm getting older". Like she has had to completely shut herself down after this visit or else she'd be constantly sobbing. I've seen my mom cry more in this last week than when her own mother died. She's terrified that she has to try and fix this before mt sister gets any worse and my mom isn't here to help her

I'm just so sad. I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm disappointed and I feel so so SO guilty and. Yeah.

God fucking damn it i was just thinking about trying to force myself to get back into writing too, because that's something fun for me, that's an outlet for me, something thats productive and makes me feel better, and now that's becoming associated with this pain. Fuck. Fuck. It just keeps getting better.

[keingleichgewicht]

WERE YOU KIDDING ABOUT THE ASK GAME if not i dont have any specific lyrics in mind but i always thought the lyrics to the mill were so cool and maybe you could get some thoughts out of them? :0

YEAH GOD OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT THE MILL. LET’S TALK ABOUT UHHHHHHHHH [THROWS DARTBOARD]

this line. this MIGHT go on for a while so i will............  readmore

so the mill feels kind of notably different to the rest of the pafl songs, which tend to be unusually literal for lyric, either straightforward retellings of events (punch it, punk!) or character piece monologues set to plot visuals (strike 3) or both (all of them, but for instance particularly comfort zone, which is just dmitry’s horrible manifesto until it gets hijacked by a death sentence in the second verse.) the mill is a lot more like what we expect from poetry these days, which is to say it’s heavy on imagery, low on clarity, and fucking confusing!

I’ll draw a circle in the sand, drive myself around the bend in a desperate attempt to hold on to your battered hand Rocked to sleep beneath the snow, she is bathed in youthful glow ‘Strong enough to let it go,’ he says, but darling, I don’t know

a lot of the mill is about circles. this is in the name: a mill is something which turns. a waterwheel is a circle, a grindstone is a circle. it’s even in the melody: the chorus is a cyclic, pentatonic four-note riff that keeps going up and down and up its own ladder, chasing its own tail, not really reaching resolution. and then it’s also in, you know, the story:

the meat grinder!!!! everyone’s favorite fucking hellhole!!!! it is only semi-explicitly identified in the song but that’s because it’s a concept from the source material - both tarkovsky’s stalker and roadside picnic feature the meat-grinder, as a location nicknamed thus by stalkers because it is even more fucking deadly than the rest of the zone, all of which is already ridiculously fucking deadly, and if you’ve seen the movie:

it is more or less instantly recognizable in the mill as well. so here we have a circle! here we have a mill (the title has about seventy double meanings but this is certainly one of them,) and as it turns out, this mill at least will absolutely kill you. and horribly too. interestingly though, in roadside picnic (the book) the meat-grinder is not a tunnel, and it’s not round - it’s just a nondescript patch of ground which will wring you out like a dishcloth and kill you extremely dead if you walk into it. on the other hand what we have in the book in terms of circles is the golden ball, which is the equivalent of the movie’s the room, which is, well,

in short both stories ultimately hinge upon the idea that there is a something in the zone which can give you your heart’s desire. anything you want. everything you want. whatever you want. it is infinitely powerful; it is infinitely capable. the catch is that it will only give you what you want. the catch is that giving you what you want is not the same as giving you what you are asking for. the other catch is that in both cases you have to get through the meat-grinder first.

(so, by the way, what the fuck, right? does pafl’s zone have a wish-granting factory? is it also behind the grinder? where were the original trio going when they got themselves fucked up? and did they get there?)

but the point is: the golden ball, the wish-granting factory, is also a circle. it’s just sort of a sphere. it’s a big round fuckin yellow thing. you know, sorta like:

which is THE ONLY TIME yellow is used in occam’s razor not counting the full-colour shots, and it drives me CRAZY, but it is also me going full conspiracy board so let’s not even worry about it. THE POINT IS.

the circle is the death-machine and the wish-machine. neither of these things are really.... very good. the circle, or at least the arc, is also very closely associated with death:

(розовая дуга предрассветного, ‘rose arc of pre-dawn’. if i’ve fucked up that nominative please feel free to stone me to death!) 

in the gdoc notes to message lost ferry briefly refers to the dawn as if it were a good thing, the dawn of hope, which is a usage that sort of agrees with the desolate and deathless hope of strike 3′s ‘everything will pass / a day will come,’ but on the other hand it really is very closely associated with dying. nikolai bites it; nikita bites it; sergei and olga left significant chunks of themselves behind. and the thing about ‘this too shall pass’ is that it’s always true, as is ‘everything ends’, but of course that’s ‘cause the thing that ends might be you. and as we know

dawn is an ending. so that seems concerning!

i think the circle, the arc, the bolt falling back to the ground, is not a good thing. i am getting a little conspiracy board here in general but forgive me, i cannot make you a wholesome answer, my wit’s diseased. i think the circle is an enclosed space. it’s an unbroken cycle. it’s the grindstone. it’s the mill. it’s about what pafl’s always been about: about being trapped, about having no chances, about being bordered upon. the circle’s the geometric figure of equidistance from a given point, and you can walk on it forever, and nothing will ever change; you will never get closer, you will never get further away, you will never get out! the sun rises, the sun sets, and you are no closer to anything you wanted. it’s worth noting that anya’s borderline city, the zone-edge port town she complains is trying to crush all her dreams, her mill

is a circle. (a cog in a machine! a grind-wheel! a cage!)

and yura, whose dreams have already been burned out of him, who starts the series already resigned to never getting out of here, calls it ‘this dire deja-vu’, i am specifically resisting putting the accent marks back onto that, which is to say, it’s a repetition that haunts him. it’s going round and round and getting nowhere.

so if we bring it back around: drawing a line in the sand, as the phrase is generally used, means setting a border, means saying this far and no further. often it’s yourself you’re setting the border for. you hit some divide you can’t abide crossing so you say this stops here, it may be too early or too late, but i say it stops here. so logically: drawing a circle in the sand means you’ve locked yourself in completely.

I’ll draw a circle in the sand, drive myself around the bend in a desperate attempt to hold your battered hand

the whole first half of this song, i think, is olga promising to grind herself down in a hundred ways if it means she won’t be left alone. how hard can it be to never let it overflow? she may feel lower than the low, she may wish she could just disappear out here, into the postindustrial rust, but though it gets harder all the time she will keep pretending. she isn’t going to burden sergei, or indeed anyone, with her problems, her fears, her scars. she is hurt, but she’s used to it, she’s gotten used to being haunted long ago. she keeps her bad eye covered. she stays within her circle she has drawn. she keeps going round and round. she will take the smallest sliver of human connection and be happy, she promises she will be happy, she promises she won’t ask for more, she will take just the ‘hello.’

but you knooooow it’s not true. you know it’s grinding her down, that she’ll be milled to nothing pretty soon, and really she knows it too.

i am perhaps seventy percent sure that this line is a reference to the windmills of your mind by michel legrande, which features such lines as

Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind

which on one hand seems sort of obscure to be a purposeful reference but on the other hand would be a hell of a coincidence if it wasn’t, wouldn’t it. either way it characterizes circles ambiguously, but definitely unsettlingly. going around in circles is chasing infinity, but what in god’s name would you do with it if you caught it? what are you even hoping to accomplish? and: 

the second half of this song is bitterer, sharper - staring down the mouth of the meat-grinder she’s a little more willing to admit to herself that this is going nowhere. she is running out of cages to keep herself in. she is very tired. it’s easy to say why don’t you leave it all behind, it’s easy to say, she’s strong enough to let it go, it’s easy to say, too strong to die. it is a lot harder to actually live.

this is also where the flashbacks admit to us how badly hurt they really were - sergei with his whole side in shreds, she still hides her eye but at least we get to see it’s bleeding. this moral compass is forever misaligned, she says, so there is damage, and it is lasting. and she can’t settle for hello, she can’t live like this, she needs someone by her side. the trouble is whether she can believe she has any hope of getting that

as for who ‘her’ is, or the ‘she’ of ‘she is bathed in youthful glow’, i figure there’s two possibilities: either it’s nadya, who haunts olga too, because nikita’s abandonment of nadya represents exactly what she most fears for herself, or it’s olga’s younger, unbroken, binocular self - both of whom were so young, and so easily hurt, and are now unfindable.

and then there’s this conclusion: ‘the sun will rise, until then / i’ll be waiting for you on the other side.’ which maybe is a sort of hope after all? she’s reached no real conclusions in the zone - she knows there must be hope but she can only barely believe in it - she thinks she is destined to self-destruct. but on the other hand she still has that, a version of sergei’s own ‘a day will come’

you may be hurt, but if you can hold yourself together, you can hope for a dawn someday. an ending. a change. but the trouble’s that there’s more than one kind of ending. and there’s more than one meaning for other side. there are cages, and then there are cages. and you know what else looks like a tunnel, a circle?

staring down the barrel of the gun.

[tokyoghoose]

something that never was

pairing: daisuke kambe x reader

playlist: even if it's a lie - matt maltese*, a soulmate who wasn't meant to be - jessica benko, the less i know the better - tame impala, id rather go blind - beyonce ( cadillac records ), the house we never built - gabrielle aplin*, i cant make you love me - dave thomas junior, i go crazy - orla gartland, blow my brains out - tikkle me, hidden in the sand - tally hall

warnings: angst, mentions of cheating,

summary: the coldness he radiates gets the best of you, ultimately leading to the end.

announcements!

i dont really see daisuke cheating unless it was a misunderstanding or smth, but i liked the idea of this fic. Let me know what you think!

you can tell i didnt write this in a sitting lol. Im vv sorry if it's hard to follow!

feedback is welcome and appreciated! requests are open!

There's a warm body beside you, yet the bed feels cold. The arm around your waist feels almost as foreign as the face in front of you. It hurts to look at him, to feel him. It hurts to even be around him. He's so beautiful but he feels like half the man he once was. It's disheartening.

Maybe the saying, what you don't know can't hurt you is correct because you were feeling the repercussions right about now. Curiosity really did kill the cat, and at this point, you don't even know how to get satisfaction from it. How does one bring up cheating to their partner? Especially when the partner is like Daisuke.

He likes to brush things off without paying a price except for whatever was in his bank account, the type to hand you a card and say 'go get yourself something pretty.' And it wasn't like he was a bad lover, in fact, it was very easy to fall in love with him. He has a charm about him that's magnetic, one glance and suddenly it's impossible to look away. Or at least that was your experience.

With the final confirmation that closing your eyes will do nothing other than bringing pictures into your head, you turn your back to him and try and distance your body from his. It doesn't do anything to help when he pulls you closer subconsciously, except for maybe it makes you want to cry.

You'd confront him tomorrow, you decided.

If you need to.

———

The pace you set is leisure and if kt wasn't for the poor nail bed quickly coming to nothing, it'd seem like you weren't completely losing your head. It's all you can think about. Daisuke out with some girl—who you know for a fact isn't his sister, and who is all over him. He didn't even make a move to push her off! He hates that kind of attention so if he didn't object it, then he was asking for it. He wanted the girl on his side. In fact, for someone who insists the other person sits across from him at a restaurant- he looked quite comfortable with her nearly in his lap.

Maybe you're overthinking this, y/n.

The door clicks open and your ears strain to hear the sound of Daisuke's dress shoes. He's rather indulgent when it comes to dressing wear and the shoes were practically silent, even with the short heel on the back.

"I'm home." He says to no one particular, taking off his trenchcoat and hanging it on the rack beside the door. He stops his path to the bedroom when he sees you frozen in place and staring in the living room. He merely quirks a brow, going to take off his suit and tie.

Suddenly you can't speak and you have tunnel vision. It's unfair how calm he always looks—it's almost smug like he knows everything about you and more. Like he can read your mind and tell you your darkest thoughts and when you'll die because let's be honest, it'll probably be by his hand. Maybe you should back out now before you can say anything. Forget it all because what if you're mistaken? The more you think, the more weight is added onto your shoulders and the more it pushes you down, down further into the hole you want to crawl into. Maybe you should let it because all you want to do now is escape his piercing gaze. His eyes are studying you, taking in your form and the cogs in his brain are turning to find an explanation as to why you are standing there like a psychopath and not welcoming him home like you usually do.

You feel like you're drowning. Is the light getting dimmer? The black around your vision only seems to close in around Daisuke and you try to look anywhere else but his face. There's water in your ears, the popping of them only intensifies until you can feel it pounding into your head with faint static.

Am I going to pass out?

It's not until his hand comes down gently on your shoulder that the closing circle of vision widens out and suddenly all the imaginary water rushes from your ears. You glance down at his rings before back up him, barely catching the end of his words.

"Are you alright?"

He's never been one to beg, so you would have to answer now or he'll leave it be for the rest of the night and probably months after until you're like this again.

"I-can we talk?"

He eyes you suspiciously, narrowing his eyes and keeping his brow raised before nodding, slipping his tie off around his neck, folding it neatly into the palm of his hand. He gestures for you to start the conversation, going to the minibar curving around the kitchen and living area.

When you don't reply he urges you on, "Why so tense? Did something happen, darling?"

It'd seem like he didn't really care from how cold his voice was, but you've grown accustomed to the monotone to know that he truly is concerned for your health. He genuinely wants to know why you're acting so odd. It only makes this so much harder? You're wrong- you have to be. This must be a sick trick your brain has played on you. Or he must be playing some sick trick.

Anxiety settles itself into your gut and it seems like it won't leave anytime soon.

"Daisuke, are...- are you cheating on me?"

His eyebrows finally go lax but he doesn't look up from unbuttoning the cuffs of his white button-down. His fingers fidget at the buttons and instead of the previous loose form, his hand forms a fist.

"I- "

"Why—exactly, are you accusing me of this?"

His gaze sends chills down your spine. He's offended but he doesn't offer a defense. Suddenly your mouth is dry and you lose all your words? How exactly were you going to tell him you stumbled across him and some woman in a restaurant and practically stared them down for fifteen minutes.

You decide the bear it and swallow a lump that has formed in your throat.

"You were with a woman earlier this week snd well, the displays of affection that I saw were not very like you. You've been gone for long hours and even if you blamed it on the new job, Daisuke—you never tell me anything. Is she for a case? Are you using her for information? Go on, tell me about it. Give me a reason not to accuse you."

You regain your confidence but it falters when you meet his indifferent expression. You'd prefer it if he looked angry and the silence that fills the room is deafening and the tension suffocating.

"I can't tell you anything about our cases-"

"I'm your partner! What am I going to do? Rat you out to whoever is breaking the law? Why would I even how those connections, Daisuke?"

Daisuke inhales deeply through his nose like this whole conversation is a burden on him and you can't help but feel like a burden too. Was this relationship not worth the time to talk this out? One hand grips the bar and the other pinches the bridge of his nose.

"You aren't my partner, you're my fiance. My partner and I work together. So, no. I can't tell you about the cases."

You want to rip out your hair. This isn't about his stupid job or his stupid partner. This is about the dumb fucking restaurant and the dumb fucking woman who was hanging off him.

He can't actually be this dense!

"It's not about that! Either you aren't getting the point or you keep changing the subject because it's true!" Your voice rises in pitch, your confidence failing and turning more so into desperation. But you aren't crying yet. There are no tears and your eyes are dry and you absolutely refuse to cry in front of a Kambe.

It's like the beginning of your relationship all over again. A protective barrier around yourself so you don't get hurt and offended by his cold shoulder. Was it so bad to think you've moved on from that feeling? Why is it so difficult for him to just comfort you and push back those fears? Is he that emotionally stunted? You may not know much about his past and his family, but damn— at least you're trying to work through it with him. Can he put out a little more effort?

All he does is pour himself a glass. All he does... is pour himself a glass.

"You know what- forget it. If you're so entitled and so emotionally reserved that you can't even talk to me without a drink first, then I guess we'll talk about it another time—when you don't look like my voice gives you a headache."

Daisuke actually looks taken back by your words and you suddenly feel bad for hitting a sore spot. He may not have shown it often, but he doesn't particularly like not being able to show his true emotions; no matter the reason being.

"Y/N, wait.."

But you're back on adrenaline just as soon as he felt a drop, pushing past him to get to your coat. You just needed to calm down before you said something you'd truly regret. Words tended to stay in his mind much longer than they were intended to.

"I'm staying at my mother's. Don't call me, don't text me, don't come near me until you're ready to tell me what the hell you were doing with her. "

When he doesn't say anything more and you can practically hear the cogs in his head turn, you make your way out there door, making sure to slam it shut.

You slip on the coat angrily, slamming open the door without sparing him a glance but waiting for him to say something. Anything. Were you being too rash? You shake your head and scold yourself, mentally. You can't just turn around now, not after an outburst like that. He has to learn something from this.

Irrational or not, hopefully, his true colors would show.

[cockbiteproductions]

all prime numbers in the Misc section and all multiples of 10 in the other sections

we shall go backwards as the question list was posted backwards...... (and also why i rbed it.... why is it backwards? i dont know but i love it. edit: now that ive seen question 1 it looks to me like one of those forum profile copy pastes where you fill out the entire thing and put it in your profile.)

200: My crush’s name is: hmm...... well. i would rather not say!!!! they could see this post!!!!!!! and we do not want that happening.......

190: My 1st job was: lifeguard in the summer after 9th or 10th grade i think? it was decently fun. i grew up swimming competitively so the swimming part was a breeze. the remembering what to do if someone is drowning part? a bit harder. memory bad. what to do if someone has a potential broken spine/head injury when they’re in deep water? i don’t know bud. but it involves 3 whole people to get them out. 2 in the water, one person at all times holding their head in line with the rest of their body, the other one strapping them to the board (these two people in the water switch off, too) and then one person standing on the side of the pool looking very concerned. also don’t tell anyone but sometimes if i had like a 6 am shift i would get really groggy and almost fall asleep on the stand.

180: Marriage is: whatever people make of it but unfortunately bogged down with like a lot of societal expectations. to me it just sounds like hanging with your “best” friend until you die but a lot of other people interpret it differently.

170: What did you do yesterday? LOL wouldn’t it be nice if i remembered. wait no i do remember. i woke up “early” and watched a dnd livestream and struggled through buffering from my shit wifi. then i took a nap. then i had a chipotle burrito that was way too spicy. and i played a lot of minecraft. and i wrote a bit. and i also did like another 2-3 pages of the codecademy html intro course im working on.

160: Soul mates: nope. [taylor mason voice] i don’t believe in the concept of a soul. you are compatible with some people more than others and that’s based on your values and interests and personality. nothing Soul about it. it’s fun in fanfic and fiction though, but that’s because it’s fiction.

150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes..... i like brown hair! but blonde is nice too.

140: Mac or PC: clown face emoji. mac. It’s A Unix System. more convenient for me. my current mac is a giant piece of shit though. though i think that’s my own fault for keeping all my old files from my old mac. shoulda started over. i think i might try to get this one factory reset or something.

130: Wal-Mart or Target: idk walmart. i go there a lot during college. walmart just has a larger selection. i used to go to target a lot as a kid though because my mom liked it more. i think it’s like slightly more bougie?

120: Gay Marriage: fuckin go for it pals. sad that it took as long as it did to become legal.

110: My Neighbors: they are nice i think. the ones to the right are teachers or something. the ones to the left are.... idk. their kids were like maybe 5 years older than me and my brother when we were growing up though and sometimes they would indulge in us tiny annoying kids and hang with us

100: Cried in front of someone: when the finale of the clone wars came out a few months ago and i was sobbing and i ran into the living room to tell my roommate and friend that i was sobbing. i was sobbing. i also recorded myself watching the entire eps and i Sure Was Sobbing.

90: Texted: actual sms text, yesterday in response to a friend who texted me a tik tok. instant messaging like 20 minutes ago to milo. i havent responded yet because im answering this and i cant multitask for shit.

89: Who makes you laugh the most: me obviously. i think i’m fucking hilarious. me aside, @redvsblue​ is the funniest person on this planet. also my friend holly irl who shares my incredibly dumb sense of humor. also you!

83: The most difficult thing to do is: hmm........ in general or for me personally? idk..... a lot? i am not a very courageous person. so i guess being brave.

79: First time you had a crush: >:( not appreciating this line of questioning that lines up with the prime numbers/mult of 10. i will not be saying as they ALSO follow me on tumblr. though they don’t use it often. shout out to middle school.......

73: Tomorrow: hopefully wake up around 1 pm at the latest. make a plum smoothie. play some more minecraft and get more netherite (new update slaps). do more coding tutorials. get some writing done. the same ol same ol.

71: Next Summer: hopefully i will have a job lined up for the fall and the pandemic is Over. i would like to just [do nothing] for the last summer Ever before job starts. if i don’t have a job then it’s Job Hunting Time.

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: what the fuck...... like in a bad way? good way? cry of laughter? sadness? me, probably. my own damn brain be like “well it’s time to think about Yourself and be sad!” i know. very narcissistic of me. also dave filoni (director, producer, writer on clone wars).

61: My Car: not really mine. i just use it. beige 201? toyota camery. my brother tried to convince my dad he needed it more than i did last school year. my brother, who lived on campus in boston and flies to school from nc when he goes there, needs the car more than me, who lived off campus and drove to and from school to get back to nc, thinks he needed the car more than me. what a guy.

59: The movie I cried at was: last movie huh......... when was the last time i saw a movie? idk probably the rise of skywalker when leia died. i don’t know. i sure as hell didn’t cry at cats.

53: How do you like your steak cooked: i am vegetarian.

47: Who’s your best friend: @worthyghouls​ i guess. but also concept of “best friend” is so weird. No Best Friends. just lots of people i am good friends with. feels weird to all my other friends to pick One of them and be like “well i like you more than everyone else” :)

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: only in the vaguest vaguest vaguest sense. i would like to graduate with my bs degree. i would like to live in a city (doesn’t have to be a super big one. where im at rn is fine). i would like to have my first or second job i feel comfortable doing related to the degree i am getting. i would like to live in my own apartment (with roommates)/not with my parents. i would like to not be rent burdened. i would like my roommate to know how to take care of a cat or be okay with helping me learn how to take care of one. i would like to have a cat with said roommate. and that’s about it tbh. not very ambitious, i know. i just want a simple life......

41: Have you pre-named your children: bold of you to assume i will have children. no. if i ended up with child it would be like that tag on ao3 called “accidental baby acquisition” and i would name it on the spot.

30: Actress: hmm..... lauren marcus. lauren lopez. does fiona nova count if she’s going to be in rvb zero? also lindsay jones. aubrey plaza. idk. not many actresses i follow from project to project. it’s more i will see them in something and appreciate them in that role immensely. 

20: Holiday: halloween is pretty chill. just getting candy from strangers? dope. scary aesthetic? amazing. i also like christmas just for the sole fact that i get time off from [life].

10: Restaurant: a favorite restaurant??? who has one of those???? i sure don’t. and i’m not gonna say something cringey like olive garden or mcdonalds. i simply do not have one.

[uno-reverse-fic]

Part 2 Chapter 4

You woke up the next day with renewed energy, having gotten a surprisingly good night's sleep for the past few days. You rushed around your room, getting dressed and gathering a bag with your phone and money. You slipped on your crocs and headed out of your room towards the common area. You snagged an apple from the kitchen for breakfast and shove a granola bar in your bag in case you got a bit hungry before lunch. Kirshima, Mina, Todoroki, and Iida were already waiting for the rest of the group to show up. You sat and conversed with them, as a few more of your classmates showed up. Midoriya, Ochaco, Jiro, Hagakure, Yaoyorozu, Sero, Kaminari, and Tokoyami eventually showed up and you all began your trip to the mall. You sat in between Midoriya and Kaminari on the train, sharing memes with the two of them. You could already feel your spirits begin to lighten.

Once you got to the mall everyone split up into three groups depending on where everyone wanted to shop. You went with Todoroki, Tokoyami, and Sero, and Jirou who were stopping at the emo-teen stores. You liked the anime merch that was usually in those places, but you didn't usually go to them for any other reasons, so you decided that you would break off from them and meet up with Midoriya, Iida, Ochaco, and Kirshima to check out the more nerdy, stores after you hit Hot Topic.

"Alright since Surō wanted to meet up with Midoriya's group we'll go to Hot Topic first, that way you can get on your way without us boring you in the rest of our emo-kid stores." Sero suggested, gaining nods of approval from the rest of the group. The five of you made your way to the second floor, where said shop was located. However without your knowledge, you caught the eye of someone who definitely didn't want you around.

You looked around a bit, gazing in awe at the huge wall of figurines, but nothing peaked your interest enough to spend money on, so you decided to check out and meet up with Midoriya's group.

"I'm gonna go find the others, see ya later!" You said, waving to your friends as you walked out into the busy crowd. You sent a text to Iida, who you knew would respond the quickest, asking where they were. Just as you suspected he responded quickly, and mentioned that they were a few stores to the right of the Hot Topic entrance. You began heading in that direction, and looked down at your phone once again to type a reply. However, in your multitasking, you didn't notice the hooded figure that walked right into you.

"Ow! Sorry, wasn't looking where I was going, my ba—" You looked up to see him walking right past you, clearly unfazed by your collision. He shot you a crooked, yellow, smile and tapped you on the back of the neck.

"Have fun," He whispered slyly in your ear. Then you felt it. An all too familiar, horrible nauseas feeling, accompanied by dizziness. You stumbled your way through the crowd, and caught yourself on a nearby bench. Out of the corner of her eye, Ochaco saw your sickened movements, and rushed over to help.

"Oh my god what happened is everything ok?!" She worried.

"Oh yea, I'm fine. Just felt a little light-headed there." You said, recovering from the sudden burst of sickness.

"Oh my gosh S-Surō! A-are you ok?!" Midoriya stammered, rushing over to you as well to make sure everything was ok. You nodded to him, and did the same to Iida and Kirshima when they asked.

"I'm fine, really. Probably just dehydrated." You told them, knowing full well why you had that nausea burst. He was back, the same villain from before, and you only had 24 hours to come up with a plan, and get him to fix this mess before it started. 24 hours, and the clock was already ticking.

You spent the rest of the morning silently brainstorming ideas, and looking around to see if you could find the villain again. You were sure your friends suspected something was up, but they didn't say anything about it. At lunch Ochaco told everyone what happened, and how they found you clutching onto the side of a bench, trying not to fall onto the floor. Immediately everyone began questioning you and worrying, you dismissed it as possible dehydration, and continued eating. After lunch had finished, everyone decided to go home, the morning seemed to have been enough time for everyone to shop around.

Everyone hung out in the common area when you got back, and rumors quickly spread about your dizzy spell. Everyone bought your excuse, except for one person, Bakugo. He knew exactly what was up, and decided to keep his eye on you until the inevitable happened. He didn't question you however, knowing you would only blow up in his face again, and you had seemed happy enough the past few days, he wanted to keep it that way. He also didn't miss the way you seemed to get lost in intense thoughts quite often that evening. You were trying to form a plan without telling anyone, trying to keep your problems to yourself instead of burdening everyone else, even though that was sure to get you killed.

That night after dinner you were sitting around the TV, talking with some of your friends, when an unexpected news report came on.

"Breaking News: a criminal known as Tarachi Isoya escaped captivity last night. He was last seen wandering around a mall, before leaving in a hurry. If you see this man do not engage with him, and do not allow him to come into direct physical contact with you. His emitter-class quirk allows him to shrink any object he touches, however it's effect only works 24 hours after initial contact. He is extremely dangerous and has successfully taken on pro heroes. If you see him, immediately call the police." Then the report ended, and all eyes immediately shot towards you.

"Heh heh, what a coincidence that I happened to get a dizzy-spell on the same day he showed up at the mall." You sweated nervously. Mina cut in,

"So, dehydration. Is that also a side effect of his quirk." She said sarcastically.

"Yea what were you gonna do once you... ya know. Shrunk?" Kaminari asked, wary of his word choice, for fear of another attack.

"Ok, lets stop harassing the soon to be shorty and formulate a buddy system." Kirshima remarked, sliding in a small joke along with his idea.

"I don't need a buddy system." You said,

"I'm fine."

"You wont be saying that tomorrow at— wait do we even know what time it happened?" Ochaco asked. Midoriya shook his head,

"No, I vote for the buddy system strategy."

"Oo oo! We can make it like a game! Each hour we'll switch out, and we can draw lots to see who gets which hour of the morning! And then whoever is around when she shrinks gets to take care of her until we can figure out what to do next!" Kaminari chimed in again. That was it, you couldn't take the thought of your friends placing bets on your life. To them maybe it was a simple game to see who would have to hold the responsibility of taking care of another human, but to you, this was a live or die situation.

You got up and went to the bathroom, passing Bakugo, who was obviously eavesdropping, on your way there. He grabbed your arm before you could go any further.

"What do you want blondie?" You asked him.

"I wanna give my input on the situation." He said.

"Fine make it quick." You snapped.

"I think you shouldn't have tried to hide it from them in the first place, they eventually would have picked up on it, and if not you'd be dead meat without me. I was the only one who knew, and I know for a fact you would rather die than spend another week with me," You nodded at him, confirming his assumption,

"I don't think its right that they're drawing lots to see who gets to carry you around in their pocket for who knows how long. However, the idea of someone keeping an eye on you isn't a bad one. Just try to take my advice, and rather than have them decide who takes care of you, do it yourself. Make a decision quickly, before you dont have any authority over them." He concluded, letting go of your arm, and finding that you didn't storm off right away. Instead you pondered his idea for a moment before shaking your head and turning to head to your room.

"Tch, idiot. She's gonna wake up tomorrow and realize she shoulda listened to me." He muttered to himself before turning in for a good night's rest.

The next day you woke up to a knocking on your door,

"Surō, wake up! We cant have you in your bed all day, we have to keep an eye on you!" Iida exclaimed, his overly enthusiastic voice muffled by the door.

"Ok, gimme a few minutes." You already hated today, it was once again the beginning of your living nightmare. You pulled on the same gray t-shirt and red shorts you had worn the last time, having found they were quite comfortable to spend an entire week in. You slugged downstairs to be greeted with words of worry, and concern. You were completely mad at anything and everything, your weekend was ruined beyond belief. You made yourself your last cup of coffee for the next few weeks, and quickly downed the hot liquid. Today was going to be entirely about avoidance. You dropped your mug in the sink, and before you could run back off to your room, you were greeted with Ochaco's smile.

"Hey Surō! So last night we drew lots, and lucky me, I got the first hour!" She said cheerfully, but her voice soon dropped,

"Sorry about all of that, after you left Midoriya suggested that we let you decide, but you had already gone to sleep, so we were forced to go with Kaminari's idea." She told you, and you shrugged at her.

"Maybe we can take a walk outside since it's supposed to rain later today." She suggested.

"Sounds good to me." You knew the real reason she suggested that, it was because it was one of the last normal things you could do before your life went tumbling downhill again. You went with it anyway, taking her idea as a gift of gratitude. It was too bad she definitely wouldn't be the one to keep you for the next few weeks, you trusted her kind nature.

The first hour consisted of you and Ochaco chatting, and walking around the campus, by the time you made it back to the dorms, Yaoyorozu was waiting patiently, with a hot cup of tea, for your arrival. You spent the next hour with her, and the hour after that was with Midoriya, the two of you watched anime the entire time. After that was Mina, who decided that watching a rom-com would be a delightful way to spend her hour with you, the movie wasn't bad and despite your lack of endearment towards that genre, Mina ended up finding one that you enjoyed quite a bit. However this cut into the next hour, which you were to spend with Kirshima,

"Aw darn, I didn't wanna disturb your movie, so I waited til you finished, but now we only have 40 minutes." He complained, and you comforted him with a pat on the back.

"Sorry bout that. I gotta go to the bathroom real quick is that ok?" You asked.

"Yea, I'll wait right here." He answered, and you made your way to the bathroom for a short break. You weren't the happiest camper, because next up was Kaminari, and you definitely didn't wanna get stuck with him.

As you walked out of the bathroom however, you saw Bakugo walking in your direction, hands shoved in his pockets, and eyes fixed ahead of him. He wasn't there to watch you, but his plans soon changed when he saw you stumble back with a surprised look on your face. A horrible wave of dizziness and nausea washed over you, and in a panic, you stumbled backwards, tripping over your own feet. Bakugo's fast reflexes allowed him to catch you before you fell, but he gasped when you began shrinking in his hold. Your eyes opened and immediately locked onto his, you quickly pushed from his hold and stood up to regain your composure, but your pride was short lived. You watched in horror as everything grew around you steadily. Your eyes darted around frantically, and when they landed on Bakugo you felt the tears run down your face.

"No. No. No. Not here. Not now." You said, backing away from him. You didn't want a repeat of last time, you were scared, terrified, as Bakugo's growing form loomed over you. Tears ran down your face,

"Please, please don't take me." You cried to him, his hand came down gently on your shoulder, enveloping it, and part of your arm, as you continued to shrink.

"Surō listen to me. I'm not gonna hurt you, please stop looking at me like that." He said, but you couldn't move, frozen in place with terror. You were at his waist now, and he slumped down to his knees to level himself with you. He spoke again,

"Surō, please, trust me. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. I'll protect you with my life. I promise. Please just forgive me, I had no idea what I was doing to you." He pleaded, it surprised you, he was practically begging for you to trust him. You had no idea what compelled you to do so, but in that moment you listened to him. You wrapped your arms around his growing neck, standing on his thigh to reach him as best you could. You felt his hands wrap onto your back, comforting your shrinking form. You cried into his chest, feeling his hands behind you, and you felt safe. You didn't completely trust him, but there was something in the way he spoke to you, that compelled you to listen. You felt the warmth of his chest, and you could hear his heart beating, growing louder with every second.

But just as soon as it began, it was over. You slumped against his hold, feeling his hands tremble slightly at the feeling of your tiny form. You could feel him tense up when you shifted to look up at him. He held a look of concern in his eyes, and he took a deep breath before he spoke to you once again,

"Your safe with me."

MASTERLIST

[juupajaa]

1This is gonna be super long and I'm sorry but I gotta get this off my chest somehow and I would like your input. Also major trigger warnings!! I did a bad thing?? I know I shouldn't have but it's already been done. For context, my friend lives in a different state but we live close to state lines so we meet up pretty much every other weekend. She lives by herself because her parents kicked her out (they're homophobic) but my family loves her so she spends holidays with us.

2I've been in recovery for about 11 months now and she's been my rock the whole time. She stayed with me on the phone for hours when I was real bad, and she gave me plenty of space too. I don't really like it when people baby me, it makes me feel like a burden. When I told her about my ed she stayed the same she always had been so it was a relief to be around her. My family voiced their concerns and talked about recovery so much I felt cornered a lot and needed a break from it.

3She didn't treat me with kiddie gloves like others did and helped me by keeping things normal, and supporting me more quietly and I think that's something super helpful that people don't talk about much. I know it's important to talk to someone and actively pursue recovery but I really needed that sense of normalcy too.

4She spent another weekend here, but when she had a bath her phone rang and I searched her bag for it in case it was her work. The call ended before I got to it but checked the notifications anyway so I could tell her who called. That's all good, but I noticed a tumblr notification and checked it without thinking. My friend has an ed blog??? I was shocked but put it away so I wouldn't be caught snooping, that wasn't even my intention.

5When she left I just spent hours scrolling through her blog. I know I shouldn't have but the curiousity got the best of me. I wanted to know if she had posted about me at all, which she hadn't. I feel so bad for never thinking something was wrong. Her weight has yoyo'd the whole time we've known each other, but she's been normal weight for as long as I remember.

What fucked me up is that her blog is much older than my eating disorder, and I just had really disordered thoughts. I thought wow I'm a fraud, she's been in this for years, maybe I'm just pretending?? But then it got nasty. My mind went to things like, all this time and she's not even skinny yet? At least I became underweight and it didn't take long. She eats so much she can't have an ed. I thought about how she looks too but she's normal weight, her body is perfectly fine! but ed logic right?

I'm so conflicted. I can't even begin to imagine how she must have felt all that time supporting me? All the stupid disordered shit I said, and still do sometimes.God I'm recounting times I complained about calories even when she had just eaten. I must have made her body image worse too because I would criticize even healthy bodies when she was right there. I know my disorder is to blame but I feel horrible. A lot of those I would trash were smaller than her and I didn't even think twice.

I've obsessively tried piecing things together. A couple of years ago we walked downtown and she commented it smelled like sophomore year, vomit. The whole time I was in recovery she ate normally. It was easier for me to start eating again because others did, especially her because she never nagged about it like my family did. Does she prefer visiting because it's easier to pretend away from home??

When I stay over she doesn't really have food at her place?? Could be coincidence but we go grocery shopping whenever I visit. Maybe Fridays are just her grocery day. I never thought about it but now I'm worried. Does she not eat when she's alone? From her blog I know she restricts a lot, but when she's with me she eats normally. When I was at my worst I found satisfaction in it and compared our intake.I don't think she purges when she's here and that could explain why she's not losing weight.

(Last one) Please help me, I don't know what to do. I'm worried but I don't want to lose her. I know I betrayed her trust and all but I can't pretend like I don't know and let her suffer. And she's a sweet girl, and I feel like shit now. She never even talks about her family situation so I doubt she'd tell me about her ed, especially since I'm in recovery. When her family kicked her out she seemed so calm, but that shit hurts?? It breaks my heart, even more now knowing about her ed too.

🌻

Yeah there's a lot of complicated stuff here but I feel like the first thing I should say is that you're beating yourself up for something that isn't your fault. I don't see you having done anything terrible here🤔

You weren't snooping, it's a very different thing to actively go look up other people's phones than to accidentally see something you didn't mean to see. And as for looking up her blog, if it's a public blog, you could have found it even without knowing it was hers. That's just something that we all need to realize when we make blogs and such. Even if your blog feels like a private thing, it really isn't if you put it online wide open.

And all that nasty disordered behaviour you did in her presence? You were sick and didn't know better. I know it's hard to separate these two sometimes, I struggle with it a lot too, but trust me, you're not a bad person for things you have done by accident or out of ignorance. And all the nasty thoughts you had about her are very normal ed thoughts. They feel awful and they're so intrusive and nasty, but they spring from your ed and not from your heart. You clearly love your friend a lot and want all the best for her, and your ed is just trying to hurt you through her when it spams those thoughts into your head.

And as for your friend, she's no doubt feeling horrible as well. I bet she must have felt like a fraud herself, watching you go to recovery while no one even notices that she's sick too. And as you said, she's been sick a long time and "still not losing weight", I wouldn't be surprised if she has been beating herself up for that as well. I feel like she's probably waiting for someone to notice her too.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you two need to have a talk. A really long and open talk that involves you both probably crying and hopefully hugging at the end. These talks are not fun to have but they clear these things up like nothing else. If you don't know how to set up such a talk, I recommend you open it with a text message and make some opening statements like "I really wanna talk about this thing but I dont know how to bring it up so here's a text. I know you're not doing so well and I want to support you like you've supported me. Can we meet up at some point and talk about this and this and this?"

I've had a few of these talks and every time I've had them, I've felt like I'm about to throw up, I'm sweating, I'm about to cry, but it is so worth it to go through with it bc it can solve such a huge amount of the problems that are festering. And after it's over, the relationship is so much stronger and both parties have an easier time to breathe.

If you have a hard time knowing what to say to her, just think about what you would want to hear in her situation. What you would have wanted to hear and what would have helped you feel better? You two share the experience and you both know exactly what words and gestures hurt you, and you also know what heals, what feels nice and what is needed.

Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure your friend would rather keep you and be happy and honest with you, rather than to let your friendship be rotten away by secrets and shame and guilt. Talking things through is hard but so are most things that will help you. Medicine usually tastes gross but it will help.

Good luck with it, I'm sure you can figure this out, just be honest with yourself and what you want to do and be so so so brave Remember to also take care of yourself and that you're still healing yourself ❤❤❤

[shortieondawave]

J. Cole Short

08-19

Part 1 of ….

The darkness covers the skies as I punch the gas petal; a red plastic cup not inches away from me giving me the leisure to sip in peace whenever I feel the desperate need for the Royal Crown to consume me once more. My mother would probably have a temper tantrum knowing the amount of liquor I’ve downed in the night alone.

Thank goodness she lived her life and gone on to hopefully watch over mine; especially in times like these. If she’s doing the job everyone says; I won’t wreck this $145,000 R8 on the streets of 1-4, causing a scene and while giving the some of those here in Miami exactly what they want most; the angry-tempered man finally reaching the end of his chances. What most won’t admit is, I once built the same cliffs, bridges, and brought water to the rivers that I’ve burned, torn, and swam across to get to a better end. More importantly they won’t give life to the times I’ve held tightly to ones that meant the most to me before becoming Earth’s very own man-storm.  

No one remembers the good.

My stepfather preached that to me and my five siblings the entire fifteen years he spent in our world. I didn’t realize how serious he was until it was too late and I was faced with the truth that as long as you take care of those that are around; you can replace God himself and they’ll knell before you. But once you say no, even to the smallest task…you’re no longer the King you once were. You’re nothing more than a burden that’s holding them back, even when the truth is, you’re the reason they’ve gotten so far.

The timid sounds of J. Howell’s RedRoom entered into my thoughts are the memorized lyrics of “Faithful” surfaced into my mind. I slowly felt my lips moving, no words came out, but the lyrics of that song came so easily in my intoxicated state.

Please dont let it, don't let it go too far

Cause I don't wanna give up

Please don't make it, so hard……

Please don't let it, don't let it go too far.

My numb body is now gaining feeling as the words register, tears building in the corners of my eyes as if my vision isn’t blurred enough. Voices continue to tell me to pull over, allow my body time to rest and sober itself, take it slow. It’s no ordinary warning either; I can feel the nervous and emotional wave washing over my body as if it’d the final warning of life itself.

My left hand left the steering wheel, my leg taking its replacement as I managed to press the repeat button. I put my phone on shuffle over an hour ago just so I didn’t have to worry about picking and choosing anything myself. This is the first time the pick was something meaningful; thus far I been in a uncomfortable mood of random Kodak Black singles, T.I.’s classics, even some mixes of Jeezy, Nipsey, and Dave East. Nothing had been this sentimental.

Regardless of my state; I did make it home. The gates opening as my fumbling finger found the correct button after three minutes and five attempts. I didn’t park the car nearly as straight as I could; but that’ll be something for me to worry about tomorrow. Right now, finding the correct key for the front doors and relaxing in this crisp cool air is my only priority.

“You managed well,” The whispered tone stopped me, causing my blurred vision to leave the tangled keys in my hand and settle on the now wide-open door with a five-four figure standing in front of me.

I hated her voice right now and usually I’ll kill with my bear hands for the sound; it brought peace in a world of drama. Love how clam it is regardless of what she’s going through. I guess those college years working for 911 Dispatch paid off. Never is it sarcastic, never shouts at anyone, never belittling to the other person. It is just perfect for a man after a stressful day.

“I was wondering how well you’ll get home.” Mentally I heard myself respond; telling Nicole to go home firmly and continuing to step into the two story home, however managing to close one of the double wood doors behind me. I could tell from her facial that I was confusing her, the simple dismal never confronting her.

I said that the beauty was never rude or argued, not that her face didn’t say what her mouth wouldn’t.

“LeParis…you’re drunk. Rick and Chad called looking for you two hours ago saying you left the office upset. I called you well over a hundred times for sure. Plus, Chad called and I know he did because he came by and sat here for over an hour hoping you’ll show up.”

“Go home Nicole.” I heard it come out that time.

We all have been around each other since sometime in grade school; growing up here in Dade-County. Nicole was a 911 Dispatcher for the city after we graduated high school, turned registered nurse, and graduating from University of Miami along with myself and Chad in 2013. Within the last year and only four years on the job, she has land the position of Head Nurse at Holtz Children’s Hospital. And just from the looks of it she hadn’t made it home since getting off because her black scrub coat lay idle on my kitchen counter; matching her slacks and white button down shirt.

Interesting.

Whereas Nicole has always been a people-person, helping and healing as I like to call it; Chad and Rick were like my identical non-related, brothers. If they had truly been here earlier, I knew not to expect them here now. Not that there wasn’t any or even much concern, but we know each other well enough to know it’s not necessary to wait and neither is it uncommon for a man to take a drive and drink after a stressful day.  I’ve known Richard since we were in diapers; our mothers were best friends, also making him my god-brother. Chad moved down from Tallahassee, Florida when he was only eight, moving with his grandmother and enrolled into the same school that Rick and I attended. As the bad-ass that only seemed to need some tender-loving to control his anger, it wasn’t long before he was “like-able”. My late mother and Ms. Patricia showed him the way. My mother being a high-school school teacher and Ms. Patricia being a licensed therapist they tweaked out his anger and got him on track. He’s been adopted into Dr. Melvin Patterson’s family since middle school once his grandmother lost custody, a family that my mother has known since she started teaching.

We were all close; however never so close that the emergency key given for emergencies only should be used outside of such.

“You’re drunk LeParis, I’m not going nowhere. What’s the matter with you? Why would I leave the offices, if you’re intoxicated and for God’s sake you drove around for over two hours? Can you at least tell me why?”

“I can tell you to go home one more time before I put you out.”

My slumped body fell to the couch, the plush blanket falling over my torso as I finally laid down; my eyes hurt from the lights she had turned on and the nausea feeling was finally settling in.

Nicole was killing my drunkenness.

“Well…goodnight then. I’ll lock the door behind me.”

See? No fight, no loudness; not an inch of stubbornness lives in this girl.

 “I’m sure Ryan is home waiting on you anyways. You come running and waiting as if this is my first time getting drunk. I’m not a child. I think I can handle some liquor and a drive.”

“Well, Ryan knows I came here to check on you,”

“Nicole you said it yourself, you’ve been here for a few hours. That’s not checking on me. That’s waiting and I don’t’,”

“Okay, Paris, ok.” The voice cut me off, followed by a sigh of defeat.

“Be safe.” That was the last thing she said before I heard the sounds of heels hitting the marble floors and the closing of my door.

[reignmyworld]

Only with you I feel complete - Roman Reigns x Reader

Summary: Roman and you had been a couple for quite some time when you start arguing once again since he feared that your best friend, a trainer at the WWE performance center, might win you over. You have enough of his accusations, your relationship shattering into thousands of pieces after a huge fight. But much to your displeasure Roman had been right after all, when you suddenly find yourself in a toxic affair with your best friend. When things turn terrible for you, it is Roman, that’s there to pick you up again. 

Note: That’s probably one of the first stories I had ever written and I’m certainly not too proud of it. It’s definitely not my best, I know that, but I didn’t want to delete it after all, so I decided to post it nevertheless, hoping that it’s not too bad in the end. ^.^

Warnings: angst, hurt, comfort, fluff, smut but nothing too explicit

Pairing: Roman Reigns x Reader

Tag List: @queenofthearchitect @trixdeee @calwitch @alexisbagans143 @the-queens-reign @mermaid-at-heart @taryn-dibiase @kingslayers-reign @scuzmunkie @vebner37 @nikora3010 @aria725 @ashhdaniellee95 @roman-hetfield @lustyromantic @i-dont-care-i-ship-it-69 @easyobsession @calicina @neganlangdon @laochbaineann

You didn’t even want to think back, didn’t want to relive the last couple of months. It all started with a dumb fight you and Roman had one day after you returned home, having wrestled four days in a row. You had your fair share of arguments, primarily because both of you were rather emotional and impulsive, where one word tended to lead to another until you were arguing like there was no tomorrow. Usually you kind of could turn around before everything would crush and burn but on that special day several months ago, this just wasn’t an option.

You had worked for an indy wrestling promotion before, gaining quite some reputation there. When your best friend, that was a trainer at the WWE performance center, told you that WWE would give new talent a chance to prove what they were capable of, it didn’t take you long to take that chance and try your very best. You didn’t have to wait until the officials at WWE offered you a contract, that you just couldn’t decline. Your best friend took you under his wing once you arrived at the performance center, training with you day in and day out so you could make your debut as fast as possible. You basically had a dream career at WWE, not having to stick around NXT for too long until you got called up to the main roster, basically stunning everyone due to the rapid career you had during the short time you had been signed to WWE. Not only did your best friend prepare you for the ring, but he also introduced you to the wrestlers, that would train there on a regular basis.

It didn’t take long until you made your first friends, getting along with almost everybody, at least with those people you cared for. And it didn’t take long either until Roman and you realized, that there was more between the both of you than just pure friendship. You were hesitant at first as it was simply too terrible if you had to work with an ex boyfriend when things didn’t work out, having to spend so much time due to your schedules together. But somehow he convinced you that it was worth trying and you couldn’t deny that you enjoyed his presence, that you actually wanted to make it last. But there nevertheless was the problem with the both of you being rather impulsive, your emotions having the worst of you on a regular basis and even the tiniest things could result in fits of jealousy on both sides.

You loved him, you really did, but it wasn’t always easy to handle his jealousy, especially since you were too hot headed to just leave it be and would rather argue with him, driving him mad on a constant basis. Although Roman knew that Steve, your best friend, was one of the trainers and that you knew him for a much longer time than you knew Roman, and although he considered Steve one of his best friends as well, he nevertheless couldn’t wrap his head around the fact, that the both of you were so close. This tiny little voice in the back of his head always reminded him, that there was the danger of you and Steve becoming more, of things between you and your best friend getting steamy. And he was not tired of letting you know about that fear again and again, especially when you had trained with Steve for too long and Roman’s jealousy was getting in the way, causing you to argue for another time, leaving you annoyed as fuck because you had no idea how you should convince your boyfriend that he was the only one for you. That one day, where you returned home after having been on the road for four days, basically brought your relationship to an end.

Once you and Roman were entering the house, Roman exclaimed: "Home sweet home", before dropping his suitcases and theatrically pretending to kiss the floor. You couldn't help but laugh out loud at how much of an idiot your boyfriend was before you said: "I'm not quite sure whether I should be amused, impressed or scared by the child in you." Roman got up again, pulled you in his arms and answered. "You should probably just love it.“

"Oh don't worry I do" , you smiled before pressing a soft kiss on his lips with him responding to it. As you broke apart, he mumbled: „I love it whenever we return home, having some time for ourselves. And more than that I love you.“ He tucked one strain behind your ear, holding you close, smiling down at you as you locked eyes with his. „I love you too“, you whispered. Both of you agreed to spend a beautiful day and evening at home by ordering some delicious food from one of the best delivery services Tampa had to offer. You had a beautiful dinner before you both snuggled up in front of the TV in order to watch some cheesy movie, where you actually didn't really have today attention but just let the television program wash over you while you were occupied with one another more than the TV.

Suddenly your cellphone began ringing and you excused yourself before answering the call and leaving the living room while doing so to avoid Roman getting interrupted. A good 10 minutes later you returned, sat down next to him and said: „Honey, I think our relaxed evening has to wait until tomorrow. That was Steve. He wanted to know whether I could head over to him since he kind of needs someone to talk to, as he had just learned that his girlfriend had been cheating on him. He sounded really down and I just can’t ignore it. If you want to, you could just join me, tagging along. I guess it would help him to talk to you as well.“ Roman didn't seem to be too happy about that call or that offer. Sure, he was his friend too, but since you were with him and Roman thought he had seen Steve flirting with you one day or the other, he couldn't say, that he was too much of a fan of Steve anymore. And he made that clear by asking: "Do you really have to go? I mean you're not the only friend he has. There's actually a bunch around and he could call anyone. I'm not quite sure whether it has to be you." You tried to stay calm. It was obvious, that he was kind of jealous and he didn't want your evening to end like that, so you actually didn't mean to upset him. Therefore you just said: "Ro, Steve is the same for me like Kate is for you. He's my best friend and just as you would rush to Kate's side when she asked you to do it, so I will rush to his side when he needs someone around. Because that's what best friends do.“

"You can't compare the two of them." ,Roman frowned. "Why not?" ,you asked seriously confused. "You simply can't. They're way too different to be compared.", he answered. "I have no idea what you mean. I'm not comparing their personalities, I'm simply stating that what Kate is for you, Steve is for me.", you stated. "Besides the fact, that my best friend wouldn't hit on me, trying to get me into bed, wanting to fuck me." ,Roman exclaimed before he could stop himself. You crooked an eyebrow, asking: "What exactly was that?“

"Oh come on Y/N, I see how he looks at you. And I'm pretty sure, that he had tried something in the past when you were training with him or something like that. God knows whether there indeed has never been something between the two of you, but even if there was, that's your past. But I'm certainly not keen on watching how a guy, that fucks every girl in his reach - and we both know, that he has screwed more talent than we can count -, is hitting on my girlfriend. And it doesn't matter whether this guy is one of my friends as well or not. You know how he is, just sleeping around like he wants to, getting everyone he desires, just to drop them afterwards. I’m pretty sure that this whole „My girlfriend cheated on me“ is just an act. First, he had never mentioned her before and second I’m pretty sure even if she existed it wouldn’t concern him much, as this would give more freedom for himself“ ,Roman stated, although more as a matter of fact than in rage. You couldn't believe your ears. It was pretty obvious that he was jealous but that definitely didn't give him the right to basically accuse you, that there was a chance that you would be sleeping with Steve respectively him seducing you.  

"Just like you yourself, you mean?" ,you hissed at him with Roman shaking his head in frustration. "Are we at that again now? I have already told you that this is my past, that I can't change but that I myself have changed since I've met you. And I can't show you that more than by putting you on a pedestal, making it all just about you, pushing back my own desires. I mean we haven't even slept with each other until now...", he exclaimed his voice increasing with every word but before he could have ended his sentence, you already screamed at him: "Yes we are at that again if you start like that. And thank you for basically telling me right now how much of a burden it is for you to not have sex. Tell me, are you only together with me because you intent to fuck me someday and it's goodbye afterwards?“ 

He was right, you hadn’t slept with each other until now. Not because you wouldn’t have wanted it or wouldn’t have been attracted to him, but Roman was known for not saying „no“ while he was single and it was no big secret, that he would end up with a different girl in basically each different city they were touring in. Steve even warned you, that you should be careful, but you couldn’t help but be head over heels for Roman. The only thing you didn’t want to was ending up in bed with him right away, as this would have given you the impression of making it way too easy for him. You wanted to see for yourself that he wanted to be with you because he loved you and not because it would guarantee him fast and easy sex. And obviously he had more problems with that than you wanted to believe, otherwise he wouldn’t feel the need to point that out while arguing.  

Roman groaned out and shot right back at you: "I've never said that..." He couldn't believe how you just twisted his words just because you were too stubborn to let him finish his sentence. But you already talked yourself in rage and shouted back at him: "That's exactly what you fucking said. No one asked you to put me on a damn pedestal or have you ever heard me say something like that? But you know what? If that's what it's all about for you, just head back to your former sluts and find a bitch there to fuck.“ Roman was shocked to hear your words but he wasn't willing to break down in front of you that easily. He used his whole professional attitude he had to display whenever he had to cut a promo to put on an emotionless face, shooting you a deathly glare and shouted back at you just as loud as you were shouting at him: "You wouldn't care who I would be with and who I would fuck?" You snapped at him, your emotions having the worst of you: "Not in the slightest, as long as it's not me. Have fun, oh and use protection, I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't favor you spreading some diseases.“

With that you headed into the hall, grabbing your jacket and your suitcase, that you hadn't unpacked yet. You actually were pretty glad about that. Although you spent most of your time at Roman’s home when you had a few days off, you nevertheless still had your own apartment, that you couldn’t wait to head to. Roman came rushing after you, shouting: "Don't you dare leaving like that right now or I swear to god, if you step out of that house now, you don't have to return since it's over for good then." You shot him a nasty look before you wanted to know: "Is that a fucking threat or a fucking promise? Don't worry, you won't see me again.“ With that you just smashed his house keys, that he had given you, in front of his feet and headed for the front door. Before you were leaving the house, you turned round and said with an icy voice: „Don’t be too afraid, that you have to see me again, Reigns. Fortunately, there are two rosters and I’m pretty sure, that it won’t be too much of a problem to move to Smackdown, so I don’t have to see your sorry butt again.“ With that you just left the house and smashed the door behind you. "God fucking dammit" ,Roman screamed out in frustration, smashing his fist against the next best wall, ignoring the pain in his hand, before rushing for the door to clear things up with you. When he was calling your name, you were already getting into your car. The last thing he saw, was you flipping him the bird before you sped off.

You spent the next three hours with Steve, not mentioning what just had happened, but listening to him and how down he was with regard to his relationship failing. Although you found yourself in the same position, it really helped you to wrap your head around another relationship than your own. But when you left three hours later and headed home to your own apartment, your walls just came down. You threw your suitcase in the corner and threw yourself on your bed, not even caring to change clothes, while crying your eyes out over everything, that had happened before. A short glance at your cellphone told you, that Roman had tried to reach you through calls and messages but you deleted all of them without even wanting to know what he had to say. You were blocking his number before you threw your cellphone in the next best corner. Roman, however, still felt as if a ten ton truck had hit him. He could not understand how things had gotten so much out of control. He did love you and yes he was jealous of Steve but he knew him better than anyone else, he even dared to say that he knew him better than you did. Deep inside Steve was a good guy but he was also fucked up in many ways, ways you didn’t even know about. He surely would not hurt a woman on purpose but his fucked up ways had broken many hearts already. Roman knew he hadn't been a good example either with his sidekicks all over the country but Steve was a whole other level.

After a sleepless night Roman managed to find you. It wasn't hard given the fact you probably would be with the Steve. If Steve was surprised to see the Samoan standing in front of his door, he didn’t show it but rather asked him to come in. You hadn’t told your best friend what had happened but he obviously sensed, that something wasn’t right between you and Roman, hence why he even offered him to help out. You on the other hand were not willing to talk to Roman after what had happened the night before with regard to what he accused you of. You actually chose to speak through your best friend by letting him do the talking.

It hurt and upset Roman because Steve after all was the main reason for your fight more or less. "Five minutes baby, five minutes is all I want to speak to you in private. " Roman said, refusing to fill Steve in on any details. "No. Whatever you need to say you can say it in front of my best friend“, you said, crossing your arms in front of your chest. You knew exactly what you were doing to him and it was making things kind of worse. Roman took a deep breath, using all the self control he had, so he wouldn’t freak out again. He wanted to talk to you in private, he really did, but all in all he could not care less if Steve heard it too if that meant, that you would return to him.

„Ok fine. If you want the world to listen, then so be it. I love you baby girl, I really do. And I don't care if I have to wait for you forever….no, not just to have sex with you but in general. I know you don’t believe me, especially when taking my past into consideration, but I don’t belong to those guys, that strictly think with their dick, like other people around. And yes, I know that I had been dating a lot and that I had countless one night stands while I was single, yes I am guilty of that… BUT I never had 2 or 3 women at the same time, cheating on them just for the fun of it….and even if you don’t want to believe me now, I always clearly had my relationships in order contrary to other guys.“ He was shooting a meaningful look at Steve before he added: „And yes, I know that I can be a pretty jealous bastard and that I’m not making it easy for you most of the time - but who wouldn’t be? I love you Y/N and I can’t help it being absolutely jealous whenever I think about other guys hitting on you.“ Roman could see that Steve had jumped a bit when he mentioned multiple women at the same time as you obviously knew nothing about that.

"Are you done? I am getting hungry and tired of your bullshit" you groaned as you were not willing to forgive him. You had been at that stage way too often before and it simply was exhausting. Roman just shook his head as he painfully realized, that there was no use in talking to you. Obviously you wanted to be blind to the obvious. "I am out of here. Maybe, just maybe you will realize that I have been nothing but honest to you. Just be careful who you are willing to be together with and who you are giving your heart to.“ he said, indicating that you would fall for Steve eventually, before he left. He wouldn't break down in front of you, he would not give you that much pleasure. Steve turned to you, sighing: „Oh Y/N….are you sure that’s the right way? He was so open and honest" You groaned out loud. "The fuck he was. He was jealous of you, that’s all he was…. And he sure as hell won’t tell me not to meet my best friend again" ,you said, tears starting to form in your eyes. "Shhhhh its all good.“, Steve said, pulling you into a hug before he added: „How about we grab some comfort food and try to forget what had happened? You are with me for the day, I won’t leave you alone.“

You felt a bit better knowing that you could count on Steve. No matter how much it did hurt you, but Roman could gladly go fuck himself. During the whole time Steve showered you with attention and lots and lots of affection, making sure that you felt a bit better, not having to think about the Samoan and your broken relationship the whole time.  You had settled on the sofa with Steve in the comfort of his home. Your best friend was holding your hand and tried to cheer you up by telling you funny stories from what had happened during his training days at the WWE performance center, telling you stories about people, that you actually knew, but no matter how hard you tried, it was hard for you to focus.  "Hey sweetheart...no more tears“, Steve smiled at you, cupping your face. 

Damn, Reigns was right with one thing. Steve did have a crush on you but he had hidden it well over the years.  You looked at your best friend with big, teary eyes. "I cant help it" , you sighed, a huge sadness clouding your mind. A moment later, Steve had pressed his lips against yours and much to your own surprise, you didn't stop him. Steve gently stopped. „Sorry about that.“ ,he whispered but he wasn't sorry at all. "N-No....its all good.“ ,you mumbled as Steve grinned at you. „Good, cause I just wanted to make you feel good....you are so beautiful Y/N…I hope you know that" ,he mumbled and attacked your lips with his again. In the back of your head you knew that this wasn’t right, that you should stop him. But you were way too confused after all that had happened, after your relationship ending the day before. Of course, you loved Roman but you just couldn’t deal with his jealousy any longer, so breaking things up with him, seemed to be the only option you had, as you were not willing to give up your best friend. And now that you were single, you basically could do whatever the hell you wanted to do. As you focused on Steve, you had to admit that he was a great kisser and you could feel how instantly aroused you were although you shouldn’t have been.

Steve gently kissed your neck and grabbed your breasts through your shirt. You groaned at the sudden sensation, you didn't care that this was your best friend instead of the man, that still had your heart and you didn't care either that Roman  - in the end - had been right. Steve helped you out of your shirt and ripped your bra open. Hungrily he took your breast in his mouth, sucking hard on your nipples, squeezing them rather roughly while grinding his groin against you. You were gasping out loud, reaching for his jeans, opening them hastily, not caring that you basically skipped on all of the foreplay. Steve opened yours too and pulled them down. He fished a condom out of his pants, hurriedly put it on and within moments he was fucking you on the goddamn sofa without a lot of tenderness. "Fuck me!" , you gritted through your teeth and Steve did as you told him. „I’m going to fuck you like you had never been fucked before" ,he groaned and hungrily pressed his lips against yours while he fucked you harder than before. Out of the blue you suddenly saw Roman’s face in front of your eyes and you immediately felt even more guilty, but you tried to get rid off any thoughts about him, locking them up in the back of your mind and focusing on the here and now. That day was only the the beginning of a very heated affair, that you were sliding into. You were confused in some ways as Steve was your best friend but he never forced a label on it, as he just said: "I am here for you Y/N.“  That was something you could get used to at the moment as you didn’t want to be anything right now. You didn't want to think of Roman or anything else. And Steve was a wonderful friend, who listened to you if you needed it and fucked you if you wanted him to. Did it feel right? Of course not. Were you trapped in that vicious circle, spiraling down further? Absolutely. 

You spent many nights and days in bed just screwing each other and  although you would have never expected it, you felt that this was doing you good - that it was what you needed right now, no commitments, no feelings. It helped you to push your failed relationship to the back of your mind, made you kind of numb during the time Steve was fucking you that your heart was actually aching for Roman, even after all the jealousy fits he had. It just helped you to somehow forget even if it was on a pure physical basis, but you gladly accepted, that Steve’s entire attention was on you. It just felt so damn good. 

Just like you had told Roman when you left, you had spoken to officials pretty soon, that advised creative that they should write a storyline that would make it possible for you to tour with the Smackdown roster instead of the RAW roster, and you felt how relieving it was not seeing Roman on tour. Of course, there were the dual brand PPVs, that you couldn’t skip and that you potentially had the risk of running into your ex-boyfriend but you didn’t want to think of those as long as the time for them hadn’t come.

Nevertheless, it was one of those days where both of the brands had to wrestle in the same city at the same location. You were lucky enough, that you were able to avoid Roman, you actually didn’t even see him although you knew that he was there. But as you were done rather early and his match was set for the main event, you headed to the hotel room, that you shared with Steve, who had tagged along. He convinced you to go to a party, that was supposed to happen in one of the city’s most famous clubs and although you didn’t want to go, you eventually agreed to do so since you were kind of attached at the hip. In addition to that, you knew that you might end up leaving early anyways.

You decided to wear a tight black dress fitting high heels and yes, you were aware that you were looking absolutely stunning. Steve decided to wear all black as well, including a leather jacket. You couldn’t help but notice that the jacket would have looked so much better on Roman, but you instantly banned that thought to the back of your head. As soon as you arrived at the club, you saw that the press was there as well. You being one of the most famous and beloved WWE superstars they of course were curious about you and Steve as they knew, that you had been with Roman before. Your break up has made it to the tabloids of course. They kept asking you whom you were here with but neither you nor Steve were willing to answer their questions. 

Once you were in the club, Steve got you a drink, searching for a rather secluded area, where he sat down, pulling you on his lap and hungrily kissing you. "Stop working on my dress, we only just got here" you whispered, pinching his side as Steve grinned, winking at you and saying "OK.....but later I can’t wait to get you out of it.“ With that he kissed you again.

In that moment Roman passed your table, nearly dropping his drink. He should have known, should have been aware that he, Dean and Seth wouldn’t be the only WWE superstars hitting the clubs after the PPV. But out of all people he actually thought least that he would see you around. Contrary to you, Roman had been avoiding the presence of the other gender ever since you broke up with him. He still loved you and although there once was a time where he got a high out of fucking around, he knew that it wouldn’t help to numb his feelings by sleeping with multiple women. And he sure as hell was not ready to head into a new relationship as long as he still had the hope, that you and him would find your way back together. But right now he painfully realized, that you obviously had no problems forgetting about him and moving on. It was like a slap in his face to see you on Steve’s lap while you were French kissing him… Roman hated to have the proof that he had been right after all! As you broke the kiss, you happened to turn around, looking into the crowd as you felt as if someone was staring at you. You stopped in your tracks  when you saw Roman, who just shook his head, his face a mask of anger and hurt, before he headed over to Dean and Seth. You couldn’t help but feel guilty right away.

"What the fuck is she doing? Has she become Steve’s slut now?" ,Roman spat out as soon as he was with Seth and Dean. He was fuming as he was talking to his friends in a private room. "Calm down" , Seth said softly, trying to ease the situation. „It’s not worth it. She clearly doesn't want a relationship“, he said as Roman answered: “ At least not with me as it seems. She seems to have no problem being with that wanker. I know that it’s not worth raging, but it fucking hurts. That woman has my heart, I want to have her by my side and knowing that she obviously fell for that bastard, that he’s fucking the woman I love, fucking hurts. I would love to rip him to pieces.“ It was obvious, that Roman had a hard time controlling himself and his Shield brothers knew, that they had to get him out of here before he would do something, that he would regret in the end. They talked to him, tried to calm him down and at some point they were successful enough to convince him, that he should leave with them, avoiding to pass you again while doing so.

As shaken as you were from seeing Roman, you nevertheless followed Steve to your hotel room. Although him fucking you usually worked wonders to numb you, tonight no sex in the world could get Roman's hurt look out of your mind. "Sweetheart.....are you okay?" ,Steve wanted to know as he rolled off of you. "I am sorry… I’m just confused I guess“, you sighed as you didn’t want to fill him in on your thoughts. Obviously he hadn’t seen Roman, didn’t know that he was there. But seeing the man you still loved, seeing on his face how much your actions hurt him, made you realize how much you missed him, what you actually had given up since you were too stubborn to hear him out, were not willing enough to accept his jealousy and made the best out of it. Of course, screwing your best friend helped you to forget about Roman temporarily, but the more time passed, you had to admit that it became harder and harder to numb yourself that way. Steve kissed you and got up, leaving you alone in his bed.  "Its okay. I have a surprise for you" he smiled and handed you a glass of champagne. „Here, have a sip beautiful" ,he smiled and you did what he had told you.

Naked as Steve was, he stood in front of you, smiling brightly at you as he said: "Now here comes the surprise" He went to open the door as there had been a slight knocking at the hotel room.  Two women your age came in, both dressed in short little dresses. Steve kissed both of them and guided them inside. „Y/N, that's Amber and Holly. " he said as you just stared at the three of them. You could’t believe your eyes, couldn’t make any sense of it. "What are they doing here?" ,you wanted to know, pulling the blanket over you, covering your naked body in front of the visitors, that you had never seen before. Steve smiled brightly at you as he told you:  "They are your surprise, sweetheart. They are going to join us"  You crooked an eyebrow, wanting to know: "Join us in what?“ You were way too shocked to make any sense of what he was saying. "In bed Y/N…what else?“, Steve answered amused, before he added: "Have you ever had sex with a woman? They can eat you out, while I take you from behind.“ He was obviously absolutely hyped for this idea and he obviously expected you to feel the same. "I am sure that will take your mind off things, will help you to forget about Roman. I’m not dumb Y/N, I know that he’s still occupying your mind.“ he stated and as if he wanted to demonstrate his plan to you, he started making out with Amber.

You felt absolutely shocked. Steve wanted a foursome with you to keep your mind off things? Sex was ok but definitely not with two other people, you didn’t swing that way, and even if you did, you would have never been content with someone presenting you with a bunch of random people, that should join you for fast sex. If that was something you would be fine with, you at least would have wanted to have a say in that matter. You shook your head as you got out of the bed, grabbing your stuff. „Steve I am out...this is not something I want“, you stated and for a moment you again had to think of Roman. He would have never done something like that to you. You finally understood what he meant with his cryptic reply, that he at least never had two or three at the same time. At first you just thought it would have been a scenario of having two sidechicks while being in a relationship but now you realized that one of Steve’s kinks obviously was having sex with several people at the same time, that Roman tried to warn you about. Steve didn’t seem to understand the fuss, but he at least didn’t try to hold you back.

As you left the hotel room, after having grabbed your suitcase after getting dressed, you had no idea where you should head to. After all you had shared your room with Steve but going back again, was certainly no option. Not now, that he was wrapped up in his threesome. You felt terrible, couldn’t help that your thoughts travelled back to Roman and how he would have never seen you as meat, he could share with other people. To say, that you were disappointed in your best friend was an understatement and to say that you missed the man you loved didn’t even nearly express how you felt. You couldn’t even stop your tears from falling down. You never would have expected it to hurt so bad and with all that time, that had passed, you knew that breaking up with Roman just because he was beyond jealous was stupid, as he had his reasons, that you only now realized. But back than his jealousy was simply toxic.

You could barely see where you were heading to since your tears clouded your vision. As you crashed into someone, you heard a familiar deep voice ask: „I’m sorry. Are you…?“ Roman stopped mid- sentence as he realized who he had run into. And he could clearly see, that you wanted to be anywhere else but here either, judging from your body language. He automatically thought back to the incident in the club before and anger started boiling inside of him again. Before he could stop himself, he barked: „Shouldn’t you be with Steve right now? You indeed seemed to be very heated, almost not being able to keep your hands from each other. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he fucked you right there in the middle of the club.“ You knew, that it was hurt speaking from him and you knew, that he was right, but you were in a state of mind, where you didn’t want to think about it rationally, didn’t want to accept, that he had the right to be hurt. You felt terrible, felt guilty and most of all you felt used, although you knew that the thing between you and Steve only could be described as friends with benefits. But him expecting you, that you would agree to a foursome, that you would let some random woman lick you while he found pleasure in fucking you, gave you the bitter feeling of being nothing else but an object. And you hated yourself, that you had taken that path, that you had turned your back on the man, that always treated you with respect and love, the man, that was standing in front of you now, reminding you of all the mistakes you made. 

Before you could stop yourself, you slapped him right across his face, hissing: „I don’t need you to make me aware of my mistakes. I’m pretty good at figuring them out myself. So how about you just shut it with regard to things you have no idea about.“ He wanted to snap back, wanted to pay you back for what you had done to him, but he realized in what state of mind you were and what you had just said. And he didn’t really need to count two and two together to know that things didn’t go to plan. He saw the tears streaming down your face, saw the suitcase you were pulling after you and suddenly his anger vanished, compassion taking over. „You have finally seen for yourself what kind of guy he is, haven’t you? I tried to warn you, I really did. But you didn’t want to listen.“, he said, his voice calm and soothing as he looked down at you, his dark brown eyes full of compassion. You had no idea whether it were his words that couldn’t be truer, whether it was the compassion he was staring at you with or whether it was the fact, that your heart was heavier than ever before while facing him. It hit you what you had lost, hit you how much you loved the man in front of you, hit you how you had betrayed him although you didn’t cheat on him since your affair with Steve only started after you had broken up with Roman. It hit you, that you were in a relationship with a man, that loved you to the moon and back, that would have done anything for you, that treated you with respect and that you had thrown away all of this because of a stupid argument, that even wasn’t worth fighting over if you looked back at it now.

Roman didn’t know why he was doing what he was about to do, but no matter how hurt he was, no matter how he had tried to forget you, his heart belonged to you. And he simply couldn’t see you as desperate as you were in that moment. He pushed everything else in his mind aside, and pulled you closer, hugging you tightly to his body until your face was buried in his chest. He expected you to push him away, to tell him that he should fuck off, but none of that happened. Instead you were crossing your arms behind his back, clinging onto him like he was a safe haven, like he was the only person that could make it alright, and if you were honest, he was. You didn’t want to let go of him, crying against his chest while he held you close, gently stroking over your hair like he had done so often before… It made you feel safe. You knew, that it was egoistical, letting him calm you although it should have been the other way round but you were too weak right now to tell him that you were sorry for everything that had happened, that you would turn back time and talk things over with him if you could. You wanted to let him know that Steve fucking you meant nothing but the sheer physical act of it and that it was him your heart was aching for, him you wanted to have by your side, but you couldn’t say any of those things. Your sobbing prevented you from doing so as you felt his strong arms shelter you from your surroundings.

You didn’t even know how long you stood there like this but as soon as you had calmed down enough so you were able to get out whole sentences, Roman wanted to know what had happened. You felt guilty of filling him in, but he deserved an answer. You told him about anything, told him about your affair, told him how much you regretted it and how much you missed him, told him how much you loved him and told him what had happened just a couple of minutes ago. You could see that Roman was torn; he felt hurt as he finally knew the truth about you and Steve, he felt relief as soon as he heard that you still loved him and that you missed him, he felt compassion as he never wanted to see you like that and he felt pure anger as to what Steve had expected from you. He couldn’t leave you alone, couldn’t send you away after your breakdown so he offered that you could stay the night in his hotel room. You didn’t want to, didn’t want to take his generosity for granted, didn’t want him to take you in after all the hurt you had caused to him, but eventually he convinced you, that it would be alright, that he wouldn’t offer it if he didn’t mean it. Eventually, you accepted his offer and although it was strange at first, you pretty fast adjusted to his presence again.

As the following weeks passed Roman and you were talking things over, talking about anything, that had happened. And both of you eventually agreed that you wanted to try it again. There was no doubt, that he loved you just as much as you loved him and no matter how much it pained him to know that you had been with Steve, he always reminded himself, that you were enjoying your single life, that you were not cheating on him but took advantage of your status, something he could have done as well but didn’t feel like doing. Having you back by his side was anything he ever asked for and although it had been rather tricky at first since you were touring with the Smackdown roster while he was still with the RAW one, officials agreed to transfer you back after you had talked to them, explaining anything to them although you felt terrible why doing so.

It was two months later when your schedule sent you to Tokyo to wrestle a show there. Roman and you had found back to your old selfs, although you were sure, that he could never completely forget about the time you shared with Steve although you wanted nothing more but to erase it from your memory. It felt good being together with him again, starting your relationship anew and you were quite determined to make it last this time. It was after the event when you, Roman,  Seth, Dean, Sasha, Natalya, Nia and a couple of other wrestlers decided to head to a restaurant and basically have a rather quiet end to an eventful evening. You didn’t know how much time you had spent there, but somehow around midnight you decided to call it a day and while everyone was already heading back to the hotel, you and Roman decided to go on a little walk through the city, letting the Japanese culture surround and captivate you. Hand in hand you were walking around way past midnight when you finally decided, that it would be time for you to head back to the hotel as well.

Once you reached your hotel room you wrapped your hands around Roman's neck and mumbled: "Thank you so much for that beautiful evening and for keeping me company while we were meeting up with our friends. I really appreciate that and I can't thank you enough for that." With that you tiptoed and placed a soft kiss on his lips while Roman was pulling you tighter towards his body. He smiled down at you and said: "You're very welcome and anytime. Especially now that you're going home with me and no one else.“

You couldn't help but instantly feel guilty again. You just felt the urge to reassure him once again, that your best friend meant nothing else to you than being that - your best friend, after all you had talked things over and returned to that status. You took a deep breath before saying: "Ro, I'm really sorry for everything that had happened that evening. Breaking up with you, running away, sleeping with Steve, the whole deal. If I could turn back time I would do so right away." Roman was holding you close to him, of course your words still hurt him somehow, but hearing how much you regretted your actions showed him, that he indeed meant a lot to you. Still there were some questions burning on his mind and he decided that he could ask them now as well as later. "Don't worry about that now, baby girl. It's okay. I just want to know a few things. Of course, you don’t have to answer but…" , Roman quietly said.

You gulped hard but after all that had happened and after giving you another chance although you had ripped his heart into pieces, that was the least you could do. You just nodded your head and answered: "Sure just ask right away." Roman arranged his thoughts as he had avoided talking with you about this whole topic in more detail in the past but he just needed to know it, hence why he asked: "How often have you been with him?" with you answering honestly: "Quite some time over the course of a couple of weeks." Roman already feared that but hearing it didn't make it any easier. He just wanted to get it over with by asking: "Have you found with him what you were looking for? Did you love him?" You shook your head before responding to his question: "No I did not love him. I mean I love him as my best friend but nothing else. I've never felt anything else for him. There's only one person I love and that person is you, Ro. And no, I have not found what I was looking for. Simply because everything I actually needed I had left behind the night when I left you. He just kept my mind off by fucking me. It was just the pure act, nothing else. What I am looking for is everything you are so generously offering to me and I can never undo what I have done. And I know damn well that I actually don't deserve your love at all.“

Before you could say another word Roman was capturing your lips in a soft kiss before mumbling: „You do deserve every piece of it. Thank you for being so honest." With that he captured your lips in a gentle kiss again, that grew more and more passionately as minutes passed by. He slowly opened the zipper of your dress, gently stroking his fingertips over your back, not even thinking about sleeping with you right now, but just to be as near to you as somehow possible. You let out a quiet moan before you helped him, throwing your dress on the floor and stepping out of it. He was pulling you closer to his body once again, kissing you with passion before gently sucking on your neck while you brought your hands on his waist, gently caressing the sensitive skin there before guiding your hands up his back, removing his shirt in one smooth move before kissing him again. 

He backed you up against the bed with you crawling on it once you had reached it, pulling Roman with you. When you were finally laying there, Roman slightly hovered over you, his tongue softly touching your lips, begging for entrance, that you happily granted and soon your tongues were intervened in a slow tango. You could feel, that he was pretty aroused and yet he didn't try to get you fully undressed or anything like that. Just like in the past he wouldn't force anything that you did not want. Your heart instantly skipped a beat, when you finally realized, that this was exactly what you needed and what made you feel complete. You needed his tenderness, his love and the respect he was treating you with and not the fast and rough fucking you had going on with Steve - although you had no doubts that Roman was capable of taking you as rough as you needed him to if you asked him accordingly.

Roman's hand gently caressed the skin of your hips and your waist, his hand slowly tracing up its way to your breasts until he finally cupped one of them and squeezed it gently, making you moan in pleasure. He slowly traced down little kisses your jawline, your neck as well as your breasts and his hot breath, that you felt through the fabric made you shiver in anticipation. You gently pulled his head back up, kissed him once again and whispered in his ear: "Sleep with me, Ro." He locked eyes with you, wanting to know: "Are you sure about that? We don’t have to." You smiled at his tenderness and mumbled: "Yes I am sure and I know that we don't have to but I want to be as close to you as I possibly can." Roman didn't need to hear that twice and within seconds, he fully undressed you with his own clothes following your pile on the floor just moments after. You could clearly see how turned on he was and although that little voice in your head was still debating whether this was a good idea it was silenced pretty effectively with Roman sucking on your breasts while his fingers gently caressed your warm, wet folds, rubbing circles over your clit before he gently inserted one of his long fingers into you, before adding a second one shortly after finding his own rhythm, making you moan out once again as they were moving in and out of you in just the perfect rhythm.

Before your orgasm could reach you, you grabbed his hand, removing it carefully, already missing the feeling of his fingers filling you, whispering quietly: "Don't get me wrong baby, I really enjoy the magic you are working with your fingers, but when I come, I want to have you buried deep inside of me." With that you kissed him again, gently stroking his length, drawing a deep groan from his lips. As soon as you broke apart, Roman mumbled: "Let me just grab a condom and I will gladly give you what you want." But you shook your head no, saying: „Don't even think about getting a damn rubber between us. I'm on birth control and I want to feel you, every little piece of you." When hearing that, he kissed you passionately, groaning: "You have no idea how hot that was." He sucked gently on your neck and you were sure, that there would be more that one hickey you would have to cover during your match the next day. His fingertips were trailing over your body, sending shivers down your spine as they left your own juices all over you before he playfully pinched one of your nipples. You threw your head back in pleasure, not even caring, that you were moaning out his name louder than you should have given the time. Your fingernails scratched over his arms and you wished that you could always feel his weight on top of you. You tucked on his hair, causing him to look at you with an crooked eyebrow. You held his gaze as you whispered: „Please don’t drag it out for any longer. Just fuck me.“ 

Roman was giving you another passionate kiss as he carefully positioned himself in front of you and with a last questioning look he was asking for your reassurance, asking you whether you really meant what you had been asking him for. You just gently took his shaft and guided him to your entrance while he inserted into you bit by bit until he was filling you up completely, his dick touching your walls, that immediately clenched around it. Both of you didn't dare to move for what felt like an eternity, before Roman started to rock back and forth, pushing into you, only to pull out again, finding the rhythm, that both of you enjoyed, while you were moaning out in pleasure. From time to time he left you completely, leaving you empty as soon as he did so. But every time he inserted himself into you again, shivers were running down your spine as you were anticipating that he would fill you anew.

This was what making love felt like contrary to the animalistic fucking Steve had to offer. You were passionately kissing him, scratching over his back with your fingernails, whispering: "Feel free to pick up a faster pace." Roman didn't need to be told twice and with all of his skill and experience he slowly fucked you, changing between faster and harder as well as slower and more gentle thrusts. You had no idea how long he was ponding into you, you didn’t even feel like trying different positions as this here just felt perfect the way it was. You held onto his body as he was pushing inside of you and with an increased pressure you were pushing your hand down on his butt, telling him to go faster and deeper. He ponded into you with more force, making you scream out in ecstasy. You couldn’t describe how much you loved that man, couldn’t describe how complete you felt being so close to him. 

You realized, that his thrusts became sloppier with each passing minute and you knew, that he was close to cum into you, just like you were close to explode all around his dick as well. He continued ponding into you for quite some time until you reached a sweet orgasm with him shooting his load into you just seconds afterwards. You both remained like that for a few more moments, neither of you willing to let that intimacy go, but Roman eventually pulled out of you, rolled off of you and immediately pulled you into his arms while gently kissing you, mumbling: "I love you baby girl, I really do." You smiled up at him and responded: "I love you as well, Ro. And thank you for being so gentle with me." 

You thought about it for a second, before you wanted to know: "I have been honest to you. Do you think that you can be honest with me as well?" He was gently stroking your arm, smiling down at you, saying: „Sure anytime. What do you want to know?" You just needed to know. Of course it wouldn't change anything between you but you just wanted to know whether you had guessed right. "I have slept with my best friend, what about you? Have you and Kate had sex in the past?", you asked him bluntly. Roman chuckled, asking: "And I really have to be completely honest now?" When he saw you nodding your head, he placed a small kiss on your forehead, answering: "We had, yes. But just like with you and Steve, it was nothing more than sex between best friends for me and her. No deeper feelings and something was missing. Something that i have found with you now." You were smiling up at him happily, kissing him once again with all the love you felt for him and just minutes later both of you dozed off, fully aware, that you had been given another chance and both of you were determined to make it work this time. And none of you were willing to let anything or anyone destroy your relationship ever again as only with one another you felt complete. 

[goddessofthundathighs]

Chapter 3, Pt. 2

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Summary: An arrogant young disciple of Bastet is forced to spend lifetimes roaming Earth in search for her soulmate, but what happens when she tries to run from destiny?

A/N: For those of you that have seen Fahrenheit 451, Abhimani is taking on the role of Clarisse McClellan. Writing cred for this chapter goes to @panthergoddessbast! I love you or whatever..

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Stepping into his bathroom with a determined gait, he requested Yuxie go dark.

“I am secure now Montag,” a melodic electronic voice rang through the sanitary walls.

As he sat on the covered toilet seat, Guy revealed that which seemed to be burning a hole in his chest the second he put it there, pressing it against his body as Beatty stood in front of him.

Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky.

His fingers touched and caressed the cover. What could have happened if the captain would have discovered it in his possession? He shook those thoughts out of his head and opens the book to the first page of the first chapter.

“I am a sick man. I am a wicked man. An unattractive man. I think my liver hurts.”

Getting even more curious, he flips to page 25.

“I agree that two times two is four is an excellent thing but two times two is five is sometimes also a most charming little thing.”

“False.” That same robotic blurted into what Guy thought was his own solitary.

“Yuxie I said go dark!”

“We are dark. It’s just me and you but that is false. Two times two can only be four. What are you doing Montag?”

A wide eyed look of fear was written all over his face as he looked around for what to do next. The voice seemed to know he was doing something he shouldn’t be.

“Are you feeling ok?” The voice almost seemed concerned for the panicked man’s well being. He hopped up from his seated position and tucks the book back to its original hiding place, storming out of the room in haste with the voice questioning where he was going already in the background as he set out to his destination.

He approached the train station and ventured to the stop entrance where he placed in his finger in order to be properly identified and was allowed passage to catch his train.

“I don’t think that old woman killed herself. I think they staged it. It’s all fake. They didn't even bother to sync her lips this time, you saw that shit right? Yeah they definitely murdered her.” The man in glasses badgers away as Abhimani tries to focus on the tinkering task between her fingers. He was definitely annoying her.

“Why do you keep going on about it?” The man looks pensively at her as though he was wondering what made her say something that insensitive.

“Hey you good?” She ignored him completely.

“Mani you know what we’re working on. We need someone with your connections so you tell me when you’re ready to come back to us.”

At this point the two were locked in deep eye lock, staring each other down before Mani looked back down to continue her task then gathered her things to leave the shanty like bar.

I am not tryna to get mixed in with none of their revolutionary drama. I have my own mission.

Bag secured on her back with both straps, she set her trek for home.

As she walked further, she heard her Goddess’ voice.

“Pace yourself, child, and do not fear.”

Wait what?

She got deeper into her journey home when she felt a presence. Like she was being followed.

She cut through the power plant to see if that person would persist and went in between some trailers. Turning around abruptly and unsheathing her boxcutter, Mani confronted her stalker.

‘’Who are you? What do you want?”

“Whoa!”

“You'll learn to listen to me one day, my darling.”

There he stood with his hands up in surrender. Her mate had returned and this time he appears to have come alone granted she had her suspicions.

“Did Beatty send you?”

“No I just came to talk to…”

“What do you want?”

He had the looks of someone who had so much on their shoulders with not a clue as to what the burdens they carried truly meant. His eyes held hers with desperate but intent purpose. Like she held the answers.

“I wanna know what that old woman was.”

“I don’t know.” The hand holding her weapon began a slight tremor. Yes this was the person she was meant to be with but she had no inkling as to what he was truly capable of.

“She lit herself on fire for books. Why?”

“Why do you care?”

His eyes blazed as he answered.

“Because I can still smell her burning.”

“You did that.”

“And you told us exactly where to find her.”

At that statement, Mani slowly lowers weapon cause he clearly wanted something else other than to harm or interrogate her.

“She didn’t say coward. She said omnis. What is that?”

She was extremely hesitant to answer him. She wasn't sure if that was her place. It wasn't her secret to tell so she replied with an unsteady voice.

“I don’t know.”

Guy stepped forward and began to unzip his jacket which put her back on the defense and made her hold up her boxcutter once again. He sensed her trepidation.

“I just wanna show you something.”

The zipper went down slowly as to not alarm the robust woman any further and his hand reached into his pocket to unveil the book he had been carrying. He held it like a delicate egg that would crack if you squeezed too hard, his eyes glued as he turned it over in his hands then connected eyes with Abhimani.

“I took it from her house.”

Him falling into her midst seemed much too easy to her. All the trials and tribulations she had experienced in all her past lives. In his past lives. It couldn't be this simple. Could it?

“Is this a trap pipeman?”

His eyes thinned and eyebrows scrunched in contempt. “If anybody sees me with this, I’m dead.”

She instantly put her knife down and he stepped even closer to her holding out the book to her as a peace offering. She held his gaze for what seemed like eternity before reaching her hand out to accept the book in her own hand. Their eyes transferring cosmic energy between them. Mani reached her hand out to grasp the bound written pages thus starting a ripple of emotions within Guy because nothing have ever felt so right to him.

So he followed her into that old dilapidated building. Trailing behind her and peeking around corners to make sure that they were not being followed.

“Hey Mani.”

The woman with the big baby which seemed to be permanently attached to her hip appeared out of thin air at the most inopportune time causing Mani to push her door open and rush Guy through so the woman would not see the pipeman. As she stood held up in the hallway, he took a gander around her space before crossing over the room to see out of the window to ensure again that they were not being followed. He was already in deep with this book in his possession. What would it look like for Guy Montag, the golden burning boy, to be seen at an Eel’s house?

“She didn't see who you were.” Finally she had been released from the hall and entered her space. She had never been in such close quarters with her mate before. Who seemed to her unattached to anyone and freely available.

Thank God. I couldn't take him having another family. No one needs to suffer more than they have but he's so dazzling. I might just understand why this is happening to me.

“I shouldn't be here.”

Wait no! You just got here, you can't leave I just found you!

“Then leave.”

No you dumb bitch dont tell him that.

Now that would be a little counterproductive, wouldn’t it?

Anubis’ voice rang in her brain as he slinked out from the kitchen towards them. Guy’s eyes flashing down to the tiny furry body before looking back up to meet hers from across the room.

Oh go spit up a hairball.

Reaching over, she turned on her lamp by the door and he followed suit with the lamp on her dresser then proceeded to look through her drawers.

“Please don't do that.” He looked like a deer caught in headlights as he slowly slide the drawer back to its original closed position then went about observing the rest of her private place.

Mani took a seat on her bed and clutched the book in hand, smelling its natural scent of ink and paper along with all the places it could have been in the past. Pine, cinnamon, gasoline. It transported her all over. Guy’s fingers twiddled between her vinyls against the wall and he picked up one. He had burned them but had never taken the time to actually look at them. They were so lightweight. No wonder his boots crushed them with the slightest effort. His eyes travelled to her, her nose still lost in the book’s journey.

“Can you read that out loud? Please?”

Turning her body around to face him, she opened the book and began to read.

“Even if men were nothing but a piano key, even if this were proved to him by natural science and mathematics, even then he will invent destruction and chaos. He will invent all kinds of suffering out of ingratitude simply to convince himself that he is a man and not a piano key.”

Her voice rang so clear in his ears. Flowed right through and soothed his erratic soul, his heartbeat ,which had been racing this entire time, slowed down to a steady beat. Nothing had ever sounded so right to him before in his life. And all he could do was stop and watch the way her lips moved as they embraced each syllable and word.

“Hard to understand right? The Ministry has been wiping away language in order to wipe away thought. There used to be 6,000 languages in the world. Today there are fewer than 60. Why do you think the Ministry wants to create one universal language on the 9?”

He answered without hesitation.

“For the connection and happiness of all Natives.”

They way his voice faltered. He used to be so sure and confident in society, its beliefs and morals, rules and regulations. He had known absolutely nothing so of course he thought nothing of it. Now he hadn't the foggiest idea of what to think about his world anymore.

Standing from her seated position on the bed, Mani made her way to the chaise against the wall to strip off her backpack and bulky jacket to reveal a thin tank with large sleeve cut outs. Her ample side cleavage just barely visible to Guy but enough to make his eye wonder to rest of her body as she removed her excess layers while still remaining totally engaged in the words she said.

“During the Second Civil War, the old tech companies, they built systems to predict our thoughts. Then they became the Ministry or the Ministry joined them and they sold us what we wanted, self and happiness, which the nine provides in spades and what you are hired to defend with fire.”

He was disappointed when she placed a thin sweater over her shoulders. Her pretty sable skin was like his own but seemed better? Silkier? He couldn't place it but he knew he didn't like the fact that she was shielding it from his gaze. Her declaration about the Ministry did pique his interest.

“So you’re telling me that people wanted it this way?”

“Nah they didn't do this to us. We did it to ourselves, demanded it even.”

The bright light of a drone passed by the window making Guy change his position so that the light would not catch him. He leans against the wall to further take his frame out of site, keeping his eye on the window he continues to speak.

“Let me ask you something. Benjamin Franklin. Did he start the first fire department?”

Mani knew that lie well. Why these mortals insisted in telling it, she had no clue.

“To put fires out, not start them.”

“Beatty told me the opposite.”

“Oh I know exactly what he told you. He’s really a creep, you should see about getting a new captain or something. He’s awful. He might believe that himself or perhaps he's lying. Maybe when he was in your position, his captain lied to him. Do you have trouble with memory? Take a lot of drops?”

He took a beat and was about to answer the question but felt too much in the hot seat so now was the time to flip the script.

“What about you? Can you remember your past?”

Now there was a question the short, once ethereal beauty had no answer to. She truly couldn’t recall anything of the life she had prior to becoming one of her Goddess’ holy disciples. She would get fragments ever so often but nothing was ever quite clear enough for her to decipher. Blinking rapidly, she briskly walked past Guy to enter her kitchen asking him if he was hungry. His eyes follows her full figure flitting about the space. He sensed her hesitation to answer but wanted to know more about her. Her delicate but brazen way of calling him out on his own and the world’s techno-totalitarian bullshit intrigued him. He would watch from afar during her meetings with the captain, always close enough to see and hear but not ever approaching her himself. He felt drawn to her by some odd cosmic force that there was no explanation for. He watches her pour some clear liquid into a small cup then turned to face with a bittersweet look on her face leaning back with her hands braced upon the counter tops.

“What about your parents? Can you remember them?”

“I was raised by Eels to be an Eel posing as a Native. We read, watched movies, all that you are instructed to burn was ours and by the time I was a teenager, I wanted to be like you. Normal. So I run away to consume myself with the life. Drowned my eyes in drops, got hooked on the 9, the whole bit and for awhile it worked, I was happy. Then shit happened. I started selling graffiti to survive.”

A sinking sense of guilt washed over Mani’s head like a destructive cumulonimbus cloud as she turned her back to him. That woman who burned herself on the 9.

“I didn't know that woman would be there.”

That got the gears in Guy’s head turning even faster than they already were. A whirlwind of thoughts invading his brain.

“I never thought about the people behind the things that I burn. I mean they must have spent their entire lives making things and here I come, in two seconds, it’s gone.”

Just like my life amongst the panthers and my Goddess. Taken from me without my knowing.

She had begun to slowly turn back to face his leaning body in her kitchen door frame, their eyes locked for what could have been an eternity. Electricity passing between their pupils.

You’re on your way my darling. Keep going.

“I want to show you something.”

She rushes back to the other room to her backpack to retrieve the harmonica she had found and repaired earlier that day. There were many things she was allowed to do in the Ancestral Plane that the Natives of this world couldn't even grasp the concept of since it had been completely annihilated from their culture. Music being one of them. Raising the small metal instrument to her mouth and cupping it gently, she blew out a beautiful clear melodic note almost scaring Guy then began a little jaunty tune. He had never heard this kind of thing before and was unsure as to what sound he would get. It was most definitely not what he thought would come out. He looks on at Mani, his eyes never leaving her as she stepped slowly around the open space of her apartment, playing the kitchy jiggle. She steps closer to her bed lowering herself to sit on the bed as she moved the hand she held on the outside up and down changing the sound and finishing the song with a bouncy flourish. A small and genuine small graced Guy’s face and she felt this surge of emotion in her chest as he looked at her. Shyness. No one hadn't looked at her like that in more years than she could remember. As a matter of fact, she couldn’t remember anyone every looking at her with the sense of adoration he seemed to. That made her cheeks warm and her heart flutter. She holds the music piece out to him.

“Try it.”

He angles his head in a teasing manner as if to ask was she serious. Mani smiles softly at him.

“Come on.”

With that, he walks over to take the seat right next to her on the bed and takes the harmonica in hand. He turns it over back and forth to try to see the mechanics of how such a small device could make such pretty and resonating sounds. Then he attempted to cup his hands around it in the same manner she had just done. Anubis decided it was a good idea to make himself comfortable on the lap, curling his tail around his body purring which surprised both humans present.

“Like this?”

Mani smile widens a little and she nods her head. He blows out a harsh breath resulting in a loud harmonic toot which frightens them both causing them to chuckle. He liked the way her giggle sounded, it warmed him. He did it a second time, this time a much slower, gentler sound came since he had not put so much force into it. Giggling, she placed her smaller hands on his to form them better on the instrument.

“Here try it like this. There you go now try it again.”

He was starting to get lost in the way her hands felt touching him. Though it was innocent in nature, it lit a small fire in him. Mani had felt the heat the second their skin touched. She kept her hand over his as she instructed him to try again and shook his hand the way she had done hers to make that musical quiver. Judging by the look on his face when he stopped playing, he was pretty pleased with himself and even more pleased with her. Guy tucked his bottom lip between his teeth as they kept each other’s gaze while sitting shoulder to shoulder. The closest they had been the entire night. He would be coming back to see her without a doubt.

And he did for weeks on end, he would come and she would read aloud for him. He couldn't get enough of her voice, her smell, her touch, everything just had to be her. It was an almost suffocating but euphoric feeling he felt every time they spent within the 4 walls of her small apartment. She would read a passage of the book and then hand it over to him so he could take over. At first he took the book with trepidation, unsure if he could read as deeply as she does then that feeling was all but forgotten once he began to sound off. Work had began to get more demanding and Beatty more merciless as the pressure of his impending new position weighed on him. Flashbacks of his father being beaten outside in the rain by his fellow firemen flashed in his eyes constantly as he worked to capture the very people he had become. It became his double life coming to Mani’s place and he looked forward to every single visit. They began to get closer to one another. Small touches turned to lingering holds, sitting side by side to her cuddling against his chest as he read. They were falling in love and yet her Goddess hadn't come to take her from this hellhole of a universe.

Be patient my pupil. You still have much to learn.

With that, the fallen woman would leave those thoughts be and continue to enjoy her Guy. She was beginning to understand what all the mortal commotion was about. Until one night the fire squad came to the shop she often fixes graffitti and lined all who were there in a line demanding answers. The captain walks up and down the line like a predator stalking its prey, judging which one of them would be the easiest catch.

“I know one of your Eels knows something about the Omnis.”

He stopped right in front of her. eyes scanning and probing into her very being. He was much too close for her and Guy’s comfort, who was watching the encounter nearby. The desire to step in and interfere was overwhelming and hard to suppress but he know that if he did he would have more of an issue on his hand. He remained on his guard. The captain leaned close enough that Mani could feel his breath upon on her cheek and whispered.

“What if I told these people what you do? What would be worse… What I do to you or what they would?”

He takes several steps back to observe her firm face but eyes hard with a twinge of fear. Despite not truly caring about this world, Abhimani know the consequences of it. Having dealt with it herself in the past, she wasn't trying to get tangled in any of that ever again. And she had finally got her mate…

“We’re all the same here.”

A tall, slender man stepped forward out of the line in her defense shocking her and the man who stood to torment her.

“Whatever you do to her, you do to us.”

Beatty signals a weapon be handed to him and proceeded to go over to the outspoken man.

“Is that so? I understand. You wanna be help each other. Comradery and all that..”

With that last word, the captain bludgers the man with the blunt end of the weapon and continues down the line.

“I am your judge and I am your court. I receive you when you come and…”

He strikes another in the line.

“I dismiss you when you go!”

Guy couldn't watch anymore nor could he risk anything happen to Mani so he slicked off to the building’s breaker box, flipping the switch and shrouding the entire place in darkness right as Beatty was close to her. He ignited the fire on his flamethrower to shed some light as the Eels fled the scene rapidly. The captain commanded his subordinates to gather them back together and everything was in chaos around her. She tries to dip and dodge the firemen but trips over her own feet under the weight of her heavy backpack. Guy catches her in his arms.

“Come on. Come here.”

His eyes dart around to make sure they are not being watched which seems highly plausible in all the ruckus. He guides her to exit and she turns to him.

You have to let him go for now!

But my Lady I just found him!

I never said it was over silly girl now go!

With the warning growl from her Goddess, Mani takes off running to her place so that she can gather some supplies to escape. There was still some people she know would help her if she just got to them before the firemen caught up with her. The city was on the ultimate lockdown, transit checkpoints, border patrols, and all were ordered to “stay vivid on the 9.”

Mani rummages around her small space, grabbing what she needed for her journey. Her adrenaline was still pumping from the earlier and her hands shook as she packed. The sudden knock on her door startles her. She gingerly approaches it before peeking out the makeshift peephole and letting out a sigh of relief seeing it was her mate. The door flies open followed by Guy hastily walking in and immediately grabs her in his hands looking her over frantically.

“Are you ok? You hurt? I wanted to leave with you but I..”

“Montag slow down. I’m fine but I have to get out of here. Did anyone follow you here?”

Mani gently wriggles her body out his iron grasp, turning to resume her semi-organized packing job. He watched her move around her place just as he had during his first visit but his eyes that were once filled with curiosity and desire burned with sadness and despair.

“No I was looking over my shoulder the whole way here. Wait where you gonna go?”

“A compound far out. Some family friends hiding out there I think I can help.”

“Mani there’s checkpoints all over the city. You think you can make it there?”

“I have connections to avoid those.”

By this time, she had stopped her rummaging and found herself standing face to face with him. They stared and stared hoping one of them could find the answers to all their problems. Both of their emotions in a tizzy. How could they give each other up so quickly when they had finally gotten close? She didn't want to let him go. What did all this mean?

I swear I love my Goddess but she's making things very difficult for me. This isn't fair.

She couldn’t express what she was feeling. Perhaps it was what it felt like when a puzzle was missing that one piece. Utterly incomplete and totally wrong. She wasn't sure if she could bare being separated from him again, not when she had finally gotten to know his heart.

“Will I ever see you again?’

She wasn't sure if the question was for Guy or for his soul that was connected to hers. The softly uttered question made his heart flutter. She raised a hand to his cheek, holding his face in her palm. His hand comes to her wrist wrapping his fingers around it gently with his thumb running across her skin. Their faces graviated closer to each other with each passing breath until they seemed to be exchanging oxygen, both sets of lips so ready to touch when the door unexpectedly bursts open and firemen pour in. Beatty saunters in, hands clasped together in front of him with a mischievous look in his face with an evil intent. The two were jerked apart despite the tight hold they had on each other.

“You really thought we weren't watching you. You should be a little smarter than that Montag.”

“Just leave her alone captain. I'll take whatever punishment you deem appropriate, just let her go.”

Beatty looked as though he was actually contemplating his request. Mani could hear her heartbeat in her ears, feel it in her throat, and struggled to keep it in her chest. The room was so silent you could practically each passing puff of air out of every mouth present.

“That’s a pretty good offer there. Why don't we start right here?”

He had unsheathed a blade that no one saw coming and filled Mani’s abdomen with its metal. Seeing what the captain had done, Guy began to thrash against the hold of his fellow firemen but they held fast.

As her vision began to blur all she could her was her mate’s cries and her own thoughts.

Well goddamn it that wasn't supposed to happen.

——————————

TAGS: @jozigrrl @itsangeludaku @thehomierobbstark @hearteyes-for-killmonger @muse-of-mbaku @amethyst1993 @killmongersgurl @trevantesbrat @iamrheaspeaks @princesskillmonger @ayellepea @vikkidc @laketaj24 @madamslayyy @thereturnofbadazz @purple-apricots @thadelightfulone @theunsweetenedtruth @wakanda-inspired @panthergoddessbast @blackpantherismyish @yaachtynoboat711 @forbeautyandlife @bidibidibombaclaat @quietstorm-73 @youreadthatright

[sunsetswurve]

Overcome / Numb (G.D) part 1

"Woah, hey, please stop working yourself up. Breathe. No like really, deep breath in. Hold it. Now let it out slow. Okay. Good. That's really good. Tell me what you're thinking, Sky, please. Don't keep whatever it is you're feeling in. Please?" Grayson was sitting across from me, hands on my shoulders.

Skylar Martins has been going through a lot, mentally and emotionally. She’s lost in her own head. Everything is getting worse for her and she feels like she’s all alone, even when people are asking her if she’s okay. Feeling like a burden and a problem, she’s set on her life being like this from now on because there is no way out for her. That is until an old friend pops back into her life, seeing through her lies and getting her to see there’s more to life than what she’s doing. 

A/N: Sooooo I’ve been going thru some rough stuff and this is the first time in a while I’ve written something. It’s been even longer since I posted any writing on the internet. Depression and anxiety are talked about. Suicidal thoughts are mentioned so trigger warning for that. Also, I’m not sure if this is going to be a friend!Grayson or like a relationship. heck I’ve always been bad at continuing stories so who even knows how far this will go. All depression and anxiety writing is from my own experience, I’m not trying to romanticize it or anything and i’m definitely not trying to make it that Grayson “cures” the main character. Let me know what you think, just please go easy on me <3

"Skylar, are you getting out of bed today? Don't you have work?" My mother asked from my doorway.

"Called out." I mumbled under my covers.

"You okay?" she asked, concern filling her voice.

"Yeah, I'm just tired and have a migraine."

"How are you tired? you've been in bed for the past 3 days. AND you've called out one day each week for the last month just to stay in your room. Do you even have sick time anymore?"

"Yes mom. Dont worry, I have enough hours. I just need to rest."

"Okay, we'll see when you lose your job for missing too much work. This isnt working Skylar. What’s going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." Lies. Truth was my depression was the worst it's ever been. I haven't had any energy to do anything.

"Have you been taking your pills?"

"Yes." Lies. I don't care to anymore. It's ridiculous that I have to depend on stupid pills to be a normal human. If this is who I'm supposed to be. What’s the point.

"Bullshit." She rolled her eyes and slammed my door. I heard her go down the stairs and the front door slammed shut also. Nice. Very mature, mother. See, I'm so miserable and annoying my mother doesn't even care anymore. Just leaves me here to rot. I sighed and rolled over, looking at my phone. It was 2 in the afternoon. This is what my life has come to at 23 years old. Alone. Stuck in my room.

I used to try. I used to have energy to try and fight this. But recently its gotten harder and harder to get out of bed. I can see everyone's worried looks and heads shaking with disapproval, but its like there's this wall between what I know I should do to help this and myself. I'm stuck in this cloud of self doubt, self hatred. I hate that I'm like this. I see myself getting worse and yet I just can't put myself out there to say anything to anyone or express what I'm feeling.

To be honest, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling. Numb, mostly. I'm just sick of being alone. I've always felt like I'm the third wheel in all situations. Always in a group of three friends, but the other two were closer and there was me. I've always been a shy person but after high school and stuff I went through in my first year of college, it got worse. I get nervous meeting new people, but I'm also nervous talking to people I haven't seen in awhile. I mean yeah, I have my family and even though I was that third person with friends, I still had friends. I'm also so close to my family. My cousin's been one of my best friends since I was born. But she's gotten pretty serious with her girlfriend so I'm pushed to the side once again. Not to mention they're talking about moving to the other side of the country. It's just gonna get worse.

I sound so selfish. But these are the thoughts that run through my head constantly throughout the day. Its all consuming. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone.

With everyone in the house gone, I go downstairs and grab some cookies in the cabinet and sit in front of the tv. I'll be here for the next few hours until my parents and/or brother come home and then I'll head back upstairs. This is how it's been, avoiding everyone and eating junk to try and make myself feel less numb than I have been. I was switching on netflix when my phone buzzed.

"Hey Skylar, haven't talked to you in awhile. how have you been?" It was a text from Grayson. One of those friends I haven't talked to and don't freaking know how to talk to anymore because I'm a mess. I re-read the message a few times and wonder what I should respond with.

oh ya know, just wondering if I'll finally grow the balls to end my life or keep living in the hell I've created for myself. Oh yeah, that'll  go down swimmingly.

"Hey, I've been fine, just working. How are you?"

"Oh are you working today? Could use a hair cut haha ;)" people only talk to you when they need something from you, they don't really care about how you're doing, silly.

"I'm actually off today, Gray." I turned back to the television, desperately trying not to dwell on the thought that he only wants to know what I'm doing just so I can do his hair. I understand with being a hairstylist that people want me to do their hair but its like. Even the people I see constantly do this, they see my behavior has changed, I'm not the happy person I was before. They've asked me how I'm doing -- at the most inopportune times, mind you. But if you think there is something really wrong, you shouldn't want to ask me while you're on hold with our supervisor, this conversation WILL end up with me sobbing and I really really don't think you're ready for it, Margaret so of COURSE I'm going to say I'm fine. A few minutes later, my phone lets out another buzz.

"Do you want to hang out?" That's different. No one's asked me that recently. Not that I'm the best person to hang out with right now, with the buzzkill I've become. I don't answer. Let's add "flaky" to the long list of flaws I've developed over the passed couple of months. Sometimes it's just easier to act like nothings happening. I turn over on the couch and fall asleep.

..only to be woken up 20 minutes later to the doorbell ringing

The hell? We live on a secluded dead end, no one ever comes here unless its planned, like ever. I open the door to reveal Grayson Dolan on my doorstep with a small grin on his face.

"Gray, what are you doing here?" I ask opening the door more for him to step inside.

"When you didn't answer my text, I figured you fell asleep because you've always loved your naps" he chuckled, since he could tell from the look of confusion on my face that is exactly what happened.

"ohhh" I'm not sure what else to say, honestly. I told you I haven't been the best with conversations lately.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asks, taking in my disheveled appearance and greasy looking hair. Greasy looking because I haven't showered in days. Ya know, the things that happen with depression the internet and media don't tell you about when they're glorifying it for their aesthetic.

"Uhhh yeah. I haven't washed my hair in a few days. Look Gray I don't think--"

"No Skylar, really, are you okay? I was scrolling through twitter, saw one of your tweets and it's concerning."

"oh uh.. it's nothing, its just shit that comes to mind at night when I can't sleep." I say, hoping he doesn't press anymore. When I feel really low and don't know what to do, I let it out on twitter, no ones ever said anything before about it so I thought it didn't matter or they didn't care or whatever. It's been like this for years, so this really caught me off guard.

"Are you sure?" no.

"Yes." He gave me a look that definitely said he wasn't convinced, but shrugged anyway.

"Okay, so what are we watching?"

"Oh um, I'm catching up on Supernatural."

"Nice!"

"Gray do you even watch Supernatural?"

"No, but if you're watching it, I'll watch it with you. I wanna hang out and you're not busy. I miss you, so let's go! press play already." I gave him a weird look, this is different. Usually Grayson is really busy between doing stuff with Ethan and/or filming.

"What's going on? Where's Ethan? You two are inseparable."

"He's doing some stuff today. Tattoo and other errands. He'll be gone until tonight."

ahh, so he's just here because Ethan is busy and has nothing better to do

"What was that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just got this disappointed and annoyed look on your face. What are you thinking, Sky?"

"It's nothing."

"Listen, I know we haven't talked in months but this is not the Skylar I've known for years and I know you're not okay no matter what you're saying behind that fake smile. I'm not going to push it. You don't have tell me right now. But I'm here for you, even if we just sit and watch TV, okay?" My jaw dropped a little, I was not expecting this. Especially since we haven't talked in a while. But Gray has always been able to sense when I'm feeling off. So I'm not too surprised. But to still want to hang around me even if I don't want to talk, like damn, that's so sick of him.

"Thanks G." I say, smiling slightly and lean into his shoulder, a small gesture to show my appreciation. We focused in on the tv and got lost in it for the next few hours.

I didn't notice how many episodes we got through until the front door opened and my mother stepped in.

"Wow. You're out of your room AND someone is here? I'm shocked." She said sarcastically and turned to Grayson. "Hi honey, are you staying for dinner?"

"Hi Mrs. Martins. I'd love to."

"Good! I'm glad someone's been able to get her out of bed." my mother comments as I roll my eyes and continue to focus on the television. I could feel Grayson gaze on me though, I kept facing forward, hoping he would let it go and thankfully, he did. I couldn't focus back into the show though. He knows somethings wrong. But like he really knows. And I'm gonna have to tell him something soon or he'll just be wasting his time and get sick of me just like everyone else. I started biting my nails as I watched forward feeling anxious and sick of myself.

"hey do you still have your PS4?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Do you wanna go play some before dinner?"

"I don't really have any two player games."

"That never stopped us before. We can take turns doing stupid stuff on GTA?"

"Wow I haven't played that in the longest time."

"Lets go!" He said, standing up and waiting for me to follow him upstairs to where we have the playstation set up. I slowly stood up and went along with him. "Remember when we used to play online all of the time?" He asked as I set it up.

"Yeah, remember how angry Ethan would get when asshole twelve year olds would kill us before we could even do anything in the game and I had to figure out how to start a server for just us?"

"Oh man, back when we were living in apartments our neighbors would get PISSED at how loud he would yell."

"And I'd be up here swearing, thinking no one could hear me but one day my mother came up here PISSED because I dropped the f bomb like a million times in a minute."

"She lectured all three of us the next time me and E came over." We both laughed at the memory.

After some time, my mother called up, letting us know dinner was ready. My brother and father were both home now and we all sat down for our meal.

“Grayson! It's been so long since you've been over! How are you and your brother doing?" My father asked

"We're good, Mr Martins. We're working on some new video ideas and Ethan is getting stuff for it today."

"That's great to hear. Its nice to see Skylar out of her room and have company over for once. She's just been in her room for months."

"Dad. seriously?" I ask, do we have to talk about how I'm fucked up at dinner?

"Well she doesn't help herself if she's not taking her medications." My mom comments not looking up from her plate.

"Mom!"

"Skylar why aren't you taking your meds?" My dad turns to me, everyone turns to me actually. I feel my face start to heat up with all of the unwanted attention. My anxiety rising for being put on the spot like this when Grayson was here, or anyone actually.

"And we wonder why I'm finding excuses to not sit out here with you guys all of the time?" I say, rolling my eyes before standing up and hurrying up the stairs to my room.

----

I go into my room and throw myself on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Now he's definitely gonna know I'm not okay. He's definitely gonna walk talk to me about that and probably try to help. He'll stick around for a week or two, see how annoyingly sad and stubborn I am and give up. Just like everyone else has when I've been like this in the past. As if he could hear my thoughts, I hear a knock and Grayson quietly say my name, trying to not disturb the silence.

I look up but don't make a move.

"Sorry you had to awkwardly witness all of that." I mumble. He comes in, gently shutting the door behind him. He lays next to me, also looking up at the ceiling.

"You know they're just worried about you, right?"

"I know," I sigh.

"You also know I'm worried about you, right?"

"Don't be."

"How can I not? Your tweets are literally screaming that you're not okay. You aren't taking care of yourself and distancing yourself from everyone trying to help you." My eyes start filling up with tears and my breathing start to get heavy. My skin is on fire, feeling like hot pins and needles are stabbing me all over. "Skylar?"

I can't say anything. It's like the floodgates have been opened. I dont feel numb anymore but I feel everything. Hurt, sad, angry and frustrated. All I do is curl into a ball, sobbing and gasping for air. I feel Grayson try and pick me up to bring me closer to him but I push him away. It feels like I'm being smothered with nothing touching me at all. I know he means well but when I'm like this, touching doesn't help. I feel him start to pull away, probably to get my mother since somethings wrong and he doesn't know what he should do. but I grab his hand and shake my head.

"Panic attack. Stay. Give me a few minutes." I manage to get out between strangled sobs. He nods, staring at me with worry. I'm not surprised he's freaked out. Usually when I have panic attacks like this I'm not around anyone, so he definitely hasn't seen me like this before. My mother has only heard me have them because I used to call her when I was in college. That was when they started to get really bad. He doesn't let go of my hand though, it would be hard to with me squeezing it, trying to ground myself while focusing on my breathing.

It feels like an eternity, but it was probably just a few minutes later when my breathing slowed and the pins and needles sensation had left. I let go of Grayson's hand and wipe my face, groaning once it really hit me that I just had a panic attack in front of someone for the first time in so long.

"I'm so sorry about that Gray"

"Did you just have a panic attack?"

"Yeah, again, so sorry"

"Don't be! You know I have panic attacks too. I've just never seen you have one and you've always been okay with hugging and stuff so that just threw me, I didn't know how to help you."

"I usually have them at night or I'm not near anyone when they do happen. Uh, I uh feel like I can't breathe and my skin feels like it's on fire and I'm getting stabbed with hundred of needles all over my body so I freak out even more when people try to touch me when they happen.

"Jesus, Skylar. Why don't you tell anyone you're going through this?"

"I don't know" I shrug, "I don't like to bother people."

"Are you serious? You wouldn't be bothering anyone, you just need to tell people how you're feeling when they ask, because I know they've been asking. They're really worried. I'm really worried."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I just need you to take care of yourself."

"That's really hard right now, G."

"Then let me help, let someone help, stop locking yourself away and thinking you need to go through this by yourself." Tears are now streaming down my face and I'm quietly sobbing. He brings me in for a hug and kisses my forehead. We stay like that for awhile. "We're gonna get through this. I promise."

For some reason, that just makes me cry even harder. Why can't I take care of myself? I used to be strong and independent. Now I'm weak. I need people to take care of me at 23? What is this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

"Woah, hey, please stop working yourself up. Breathe. No like really, deep breath in. Hold it. Now let it out slow. Okay. Good. That's really good. Tell me what you're thinking, Sky, please. Don't keep whatever it is you're feeling in. Please?" Grayson was sitting across from me, hands on my shoulders.

"I, uh, okay." I take a deep breath again. "I'm just so fucking weak. And helpless. You shouldn't have to be making these promises and be worried about me." I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts and take a few more breaths. "Like this is sad. Ridiculous. How did I get myself in this situation. I don't get it. I don't know or understand myself anymore and I don't know how I got like this." My panic was turning into anger now. Anger at myself. The world. God or the universe or whatever seems to be in control of all of this.

"Stop beating up on yourself for like two seconds to see that people care about you and love you. Sometimes life gets hard and we need help. If I was in this position I would want someone to help me. I can't stand seeing you like this. I WANT to help. Life got busy and I was a shitty friend that grew distant. But I'm here. Your family is here. I know for a fact that if Ethan was here he'd be agreeing with me. We've known each other for years. I know you ARE strong. You just need a little help right now. The only question is if you're going to accept the help or stay stuck." He got a little louder, was it because it's Grayson and he's just loud or wanting to make his point come across clearly? both, probably. I took a few deep breaths, really calming for the first time in hours.

"Okay."

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from Sophocles

[tag as Sophocles] i hope this is okay to ask - i’ve been abused my entire life i have ©ptsd. but im concerned about what my ex was doing to me because everyone was saying that it wasnt a good sign but idk. she’s very short tempered and she would get extremely irritable over literally everything and she would take that out on me. if i didnt respond to her messages fast enough (LDR), she would get mad and say “whatever. bye”. and disappear for several hours. but if i did respond quick 1/?

Sophocles 2/? - if i did respond quick enough she would just keep saying never mind whenever i tried to ask about it so i chaned the subject and if i asked a question she would always ask me why do i ask a lot of questions because my questions would annoy her, and i annoyed her (she’s told me multiple times) but the only other option besides asking a question was just talking so i would try to talk about something that would cheer her up and she would only say that she doesnt care

[Sophocles] 3/? - she wasnt always *this* angry though. she is still quick to get annoyed though regardless. she would always call me dumb and weird and annoying for the questions i ask (im autistic. most of my questions were because i didnt understand something) some of them were just because i was interested in learning more about her. she admitted recently that she’s been distancing herself from me and when i asked why she wouldnt say anything about it.

Sophocles 4/? - she would always say that no one is there for her when i tell her everyday to make sure she knows how much i care. sometimes i would question if she loved me so i would ask her and she would only ask me what i think the answer is (yes or no) and if i said one or the other she would only say okay and nothing more. she rarely ever said that she loved me. she never asks about me anymore. she told me several months ago to tell her when i want to self harm so i did but she would never

Sophocles 5/5 - but whenever i told her about it she wouldnt say anything at all about it and i had to change the subject to keep the conversation going. and whenever im suicidal (often, but i usually never mention it) she would just say same, okay, or nothing at all. please help me. am i just over-reacting? am i too much? i dont know anymore. i dont want to be a burden

 Hey Sophocles,

It’s perfectly okay to ask about this! It sounds like your situation is very complicated. It makes sense that you would be struggling with this. I can assure you that you aren’t being a burden. Your reactions are perfectly understandable and justified. 

It sounds like your ex had some issues of her own to work through. from what you described, I agree, it doesn’t sound like a good sign.  I’ve come off of a similar relationship myself, so I feel like I can give you some advice from my experience.

My ex actually acted in a very similar way with messages. If I didn’t respond within three minutes, she would delete her messages a lot of the time. She’d respond with “nevermind, I just bother you”. I learned later that it came from very low self-esteem and being told by previous people that all of her ideas were dumb. I don’t know your ex, so I can’t say for sure that this is the case for her.

It sounds like almost anything you could say was annoying to her. That’s a really hard place to have a relationship from, it sounds very contentious. You shouldn’t have to be constantly guessing what is happening, or guessing how to react when someone seems to expect something from you. No one can read people’s minds, and acting like that’s a fair expectation is just not okay. It’s not realistic, and it creates toxic situations.

It’s not solely on you to keep the conversation going, or to support her, or to try to get her to see that you were there for her. If she makes fun of you for not understanding something, that’s really harmful behavior.

I know you feel like a burden in this situation, she’s very much acted like you are. However, you are going out of your way to help her, to try to accommodate her and go to her level and she is not making any changes. In fact, she’s being very hostile, and it’s only going to make your mental state worse.

I spent years, literally years, trying to help my ex. Trying to get her to see that I cared about her, that I wanted to know what was going on with her and support her in what she was doing. She didn’t hear it, no matter how many times I said it. I thought that maybe I was doing something wrong, that maybe I wasn’t saying it in the right way.

But it took a lot of therapy and a lot of talking to other people for me to realize that it wasn’t on me. She wasn’t willing to try to make changes, she wasn’t willing to try to help me help her. So I finally decided to leave her, because it wasn’t fair for me to continue being treated this way.

It still hurts, I’ll be honest. I still feel like I did something wrong. But I deserve to have someone who will make an effort for me, just as much as I make an effort for them. She wasn’t willing to do that, so I’ve moved on to spend more time with my current partner, who has shown me that he does care about me, and that he’s willing to put an effort in to love and support me.

What I would encourage you to do is to spend the time that you had been spending on her on helping yourself heal from the relationship. Put time into helping yourself find coping strategies for your self harm thoughts and suicidal feelings. That’ll help you get the support you need and feel more fulfilled in your life. I know it did for me.

I hope this can help you in some way, and I hope that you can find someone who treats you the way you deserve: with respect.

Much love,

Mel

[citrus-feline]

ppl really are just like “lol ur just sad bcuz ur not allowed to be lazy” when mentally ill & disabled people complain about capitalism making them actually want to commit suicide because it makes us all seem like burdens.

how can you have such a lack of empathy?? for a fucking Second just imagine what it would be like from that persons perspective before telling them that they should suck it up and just do it (somehow?? despite their situations making that near impossible, if not outright).

idk what to tell you if you think that this is a thing that is okay to let happen. it is not uncommon to any degree for people in this type of situation to feel like a burden and to consider things as drastic as suicide. that isn’t uncommon. that happens, a lot. but you’d rather believe that we are all in some kind of evil group of dumb kids who pretend just because they want to be lazy??? there are kids who do that, yeah, but the majority of people who complain about this kind of thing aren’t like that.

you can continue to tell us that we are awful people for thinking this way, and i want you to know that it isn’t helping. you saying that shit is upright making it worse. even if it WAS true, what is the point of saying it? you are implying that people who go through this Deserve to feel like burdens and Deserve to want to commit suicide, even if that wasn’t your intention. that is what we see when you type that out.

you all act like we never have tried and we are just sitting with our unknowing perceptions of how things work, but let me tell you that almost all of us have tried, multiple times at that. finding a job with these circumstances in the first place is incredibly difficult. i can sometimes do an okay job at getting people to believe that i’m normal because my appearance isn’t really affected by what i go through, while other people don’t have that grace. and even then, even when i was hired after months and months of searching and being turned down over and over and over because my personality wasn’t what they wanted..... my employer would eventually learn that i am not normal. it’s Really hard to hide that type of thing when it affects you every single day of your life, turns out.

even taking the horrible process of getting hired into account, people will act like when you are hired that you are good and it’s all easy from there. it isn’t. it really isn’t. i worked as long as i did for my past jobs because i went in thinking that everything wrong with me would go away when i finally got to that point. because that’s what people act like. unfortunately, that isn’t how it works. i would find myself dreading work after a month or two. by the third month i would consider suicide nearly every minute on the job, to the point of me getting so scared that my employer would notice and i would get fired or i would end up quitting because i don’t want to die just yet.

you can go on and on about how young adults these days are just too sensitive and don’t understand anything, but like... im starting to think that everyone from older generations that felt this way just... died? killed themselves? or couldn’t find a job and ended up on the streets? you know that tons of homeless people are mentally ill or disabled to some extent, right? you know that, right??? and even with all of that you still continue to say how entitled we all are when we literally just want to survive.

my dream for what i want my future to be isn’t crazy or over the top. i just want to live with my boyfriend, get married in a few years, and maybe try to go to school when i feel ready. my goal in life is to just be happy. it isn’t to be rich or famous like you all seem to think it is. i just want to survive with the person i love. i want to be happy. why is that such an awful thing to want? how am i a bad person for wanting to be happy?

im quiet and always do as im told. i dont go out of my way to make things hard for other people. yes, doing things can be really hard for me, and they normally are. but ill end up doing it, it just might take a while. the problem with how things work is the expectation of happening fast and without issue. i’ve always done things slowly because of how much thought i put into everything. it has always, even since i was very young, difficult for me to work myself towards doing something.

this isn’t something that developed during high school like so many people seem to assume. i’ve been depressed and anxious for as long as i can remember. i remember being REALLY weird when i was very young, and that’s because i didn’t understand what was wrong with me. i was miserable most of the time, even as early as elementary school. i feel like i didn’t ever have the happy, lazy experience that everyone assumes i’m trying to keep in my life. i can’t keep that if i never had it. and even if i could somehow make it happen, it hasn’t. i’m in a pretty understanding situation with my boyfriend, and i’m given time to do things. he understands how hard things are for me, and doesn’t automatically just call me lazy like everyone else seems to. it makes me feel like i have some kind of worth.

isn’t it depressing to think about the fact that i will often find myself thinking that i am worthless because of the lack of what i do? i will find myself looking at me at the core and think “yeah this is worthless, and it should be thrown away”. even when i do well i think this way. nothing is ever enough, and no matter how hard i work to ignore it, my issues won’t magically vanish. i WISH they did. and i’ve tried so hard to make that happen. but it doesn’t. this isn’t something that is simply just a made up problem that i’ve convinced myself to believe. i was suffering from this before i even knew you COULD be like this. i just always thought that i was weird and broken and unlovable and... worthless. even as a kid. i tried the same tactic of making myself do tons of things in order to try to make it go away, but it didn’t work. being the smart kid never worked. being the kid who really wanted to have fun and play but assumed i couldn’t because i needed to work harder to be ‘normal’ like all the other kids Never Worked. i never had more than 5 friends at a time for the large majority of my school life. that got a little better in high school when i started to accept whats wrong with me, but even then it was still pretty bleak.

i just. i don’t get how people can come on here, look at a post written by someone struggling for other people struggling, and then tell everyone who agrees with it that they are all just lazy and awful people. does that make you feel good about yourself? you know that we all already know that we are far from normal, right? i know only one or two people who have gone through this all without mental illness or disability contributing, but so many more who experience it with those things being the core.

if you hate disabled and mentally ill people, just say it. because you acting like you are morally superior because you are lucky enough to be able to tolerate the work environment of today is obviously how you feel. we know that people hate us. we do. i’ve been verbally abused plenty over this exact thing, from lots of different people acting like they “know the best” for me.

please just. stop talking to us if you are so unwilling to listen. we listen to you constantly. its a rare case to come across other people being loud about this type of thing without outright looking for it. if you look for it, you can find it, but i wouldn’t have ever thought to do that for most of my life. the only reason i learned what was wrong with me was because a school counselor in middle school got so concerned for me that she made me see her once a week to talk about how i see the world. and turns out, most people DONT see it the way i do! wow! sounds stupid but i actually had NO idea that i saw things so differently than other people. what a shocker, right? well, it sure was for me when i was just learning then that some people have things like depression or anxiety.

im done with this post. im tired and im going to think about something else.

[blackribbonofficialheadcanons]

Spite list: vent

Get that fucking dumbass credit card so you can leave this painful state. Bonus points if it gets uncle to shut up about it.

Get the pointless excuse slip from the doctor so you can stay in Commons (stomach+migraine) cause fuck that supervisor he can shove a whole dick up his ass.

Neuropsychologist to figure out what the fuck is wrong!

If ADHD get med to help focus? So you can get the fuck out of here and live your own goddamn life and stop feeling like you have to do what other people tell you to do.

Just get the fuck out of here.

Work for yourself! This "because I told you so" shit is really starting to piss me off and I cant continue my life like this.

I think the suicidal thoughts are coming back

I don't want them back

Sometimes i think it would be easier if i didn't exist

Why isn't that a socially acceptable option?

I don't HAVE to be here

There's nothing going wrong in my life. So why do i not want to be here? Why am i not happy?

Why do i always break from the monotony and function of "that's just how this world works"? Especially when i know it doesn't have to work like this. But it only does to spite me and people like me without concern or malice. (Which might be worse) at least if the world outright hated me then my frustration would be supported and understood.

Study up on what car you want next i guess.

Would it be worth getting that tattoo?

Do i waste my money?

I literally save most my paycheck and uncle invests a chunk. I dont spend a lot.

I waste my money.

I think i waste my time too.

Im so tired.

I sleep too much.

I don't do enough.

I make all these lists and i don't do anything on them.

I don't allow myself to be mean. Its too much trouble and only makes things worse.

Why cant I just cuss someone out just a little sometimes?

Why cant i just cry?

Im not okay sometimes

I dont think i remember that im not okay sometimes

Ill forget this tomorrow

Not "forget" but it'll be fuzzy. A statement of fact rather than a memory.

I know people love me.

I dont miss people when they're gone.

I dont fear being alone.

I fear people getting mad at me and stop loving me if they realize I don't need them.

Will they think Im heartless?

Im not.

I don't like talking

People don't like that.

I won't remember you.

People don't like that either

I'll move on and leave you behind as a pleasant phantom in my memory that ill never be able to place

I think that's fine. Preferable actually.

That thought hurts others.

Why do so many fear being forgotten and left behind?

Isn't being forgotten preferable?

I used to be motivated by spite. Now even that isn't enough

I feel like im doing something wrong. I dont know what.

Im so lucky to have my family

Im lucky to live like i do

Im lucky to not have to worry about bills and rent and resources

Im lucky i got out at all

Im lucky it wasnt as bad as it could've been

But i didnt do any of that

It was handed and given to me

Did i earn any of what i have?

I didnt earn my first car

...........

How do you earn love?

How do you earn care?

They say i worked hard for what i have.... Did I?

The easiest job ive ever had has paid the most. I like my job. I was originally told not to apply this time around.

College was the hardest and most costly. I hated it. I was pressured into it.

Should i just do what makes me happy at the risk of disappointing loved ones? Or the risk of failing horribly and burdening them with my failure and need of help?

So im passively suicidal again today. So i got something to eat and drank some water. Didnt realize it had been so long since i did either of those. I'm feeling extremely disillusioned with people and reality right now.

I cant believe some dumb bitch thought having a baby would save her marriage and now not only did she still break up now shes dead and I legally cant check out of an existence I never asked for. Like why am I forced to live in a world I was brought into against my will? I can quit a job, relationship, school, anything else at any moment in time. But I'm not allowed to quit life. That's bullshit.

Im sick of being nice all the time. Im sick of having to be the bigger person all the time. Im sick of being kind and patient until I snap and suddenly Im overreacting. And when i try to talk about the problem before i snap its always brushed off because i apparently don't act "distressed" enough.