#like when i think about it eddie already knows hes in love with buck he just doesnt know hes in love with buck like. gay style

[blazinghotfoggynights]

There is so much going on this season

A- Eddie did not need to buy that death trap he calls a house and move to El Paso. All he needed was a week and Buck to help drive. Go down there, tell Christopher he can hate you, but he will be doing it in LA, and tell the Devil...er Diaz parents if they don't butt out, you will cut them completely out of your life. Threaten restraining orders if you have to.

We all know Buck is a mess but Eddie is probably worse. The man has blown his life up how many times in the past two seasons? He did so because he lacks impulse control. He acts without thinking. He immediately goes to the most ridiculous course of action possible.

Eddie is just as, and I say MORE, messed up than Buck. He just hides it.

Didn't Eddie go to our favorite golden retriever disaster for advice and a pep talk? Exactly. Advice? From Buck?

B- That is huge. Why? Eddie Diaz, war hero and guy who has his shit together, is his totally messed up, out of order, confused, all over the place self in front of Buck. No one else in the 118 has a clue how mess that man's life is. But he doesn't hide it from Buck. He wouldn't even let Shannon see him break, but he doesn't hide from Buck that he is already broken.

C- Food and couches. Eddie and Buck. Even I can't deny it now.

D- It makes sense that Buck will not consciously admit he feels something for Eddie. Why? Everyone he has loved has left. I know this is crazy, but it's Buck, so his logic is illogical. If he doesn't love Eddie, Eddie will not stay gone. He won't lose him.

E- Buck admitted to having feelings for Eddie without knowing he admitted it. Freudian slips are real, yall. "I don't have to sleep with everyone I have feelings for and I don't have to have feelings for everyone I sleep with."

That idiot didn't even realize he was saying he has had feelings for someone but didn't act on them, but will jump into situationships with people without feeling anything for them. That second part is all his damn relationships on the show! Abby was just after he lost Devon. Allie was convenient and met during a tense moment and after just meeting Eddie. Taylor was after Eddie was shot. Tommy was after Eddie began dating Marisol AND Eddie began focusing on Tommy.

F- Buck telling Eddie he has to stay could have two reasons. Buck wants Eddie to be with his son. Buck also needs time to make sure he doesn't have feelings for Eddie.

G- You think this is a coincidence?

Eddie is bookended by his son and Buck who look similar. Buck and Christopher happen to be wearing almost identical colors? Look at the lighting. Eddie is in a darkened environment but Buck is surrounded by light and his background is home. It was like that every time in this episode. Eddie is calling his light and his home. But Eddie is not well.

H- Which leads me to this one. Mentally stable people do not quit their jobs without having another, buy a dump without seeing it in person, sink all their money into that dump, sell their truck to buy a used heap (isn't that the check engine flashing?) and drive for Uber. They also don't buy PS5s when they are broke to try to buy their child's love when they could have simply told Mommy and Daddy to get out of their house and their child to go be mad in his room. Edmundo Diaz is having a mental crisis and has been for a long time. I believe Buck subconsciously knows but he doesn't want to admit it. In his eyes Eddie is perfect and he won't let anything taint that image, BUT he will do everything in his power to keep that man happy and help him get better.

I- You know? Like you do when you love someone. What have the 118 said about love? Now look at these two. Seeing someone at their worst and loving them anyway? It means stepping into their mess?

Hmm. 🤔

J- It's only platonic because Buck did not know he was bi and Eddie thinks he is straight. They just didn't know. That happens. It isn't always repression or lying. Sometimes you don't know what you don't know.

But let's see if Minear is setting the stage for Buddie or, the only other option, the biggest queerbaiting in the history of television.

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🍎 🍎 🍎 🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎🍎

114 for 🍎:

---

Old friend? Like, from his childhood? Someone who knows a part of Eddie no one else knows? Buck hates them. He hates them! They get to know Eddie. They got more years with Eddie. They get to be here with Eddie when Buck is not! 

Wait. 

Buck cannot spiral about Eddie’s friendships right now. He came here to spiral about Bobby. He can worry about Eddie replacing him later. 

Eddie guides Buck into the house, towards the living room. There is a very handsome man sitting on Eddie’s couch. Like a smoke show, really. Cheekbones and sharp features and… Yeah. Eddie, bless him, probably has no idea how hot his friend is. 

“Uh, Manuel, this is Buck,” Eddie says. “Buck just drove from LA because of a, uh, family emergency, so-”

“Say no more,” Manuel smiles, standing. “Nice to meet you, Buck. Eddie, we’ll catch up later.”

Buck doesn’t look at Manuel. He looks at Eddie’s coffee table, where there are two stemless glasses of red wine. 

Weird.

Eddie drinks beer with his friends. Maybe tequila. Why is he drinking wine with this guy? Obviously this guy, this Manuel, doesn’t get Eddie. Buck’s doubt is assuaged. 

“Bye, Manuel,” Buck says, waving. 

Manuel raises a curious eyebrow, but allows Eddie to walk him out. They say a quick goodbye, then Manuel is gone. 

Eddie shuts the door and walks back to where Buck is still just standing, staring at him.

���So, by old friend, how old?” Buck asks. “Like, is this your childhood best friend, or…”

Eddie narrows his eyes. “Seriously? You drove across the country with the news that our captain is your biological father only to ask me about how I know Manuel? Nothing I say could be nearly as interesting as what you’re holding onto.”

“You’re right,” Buck says.

“You sit down, I’ll grab beers,” Eddie instructs. 

“Not wine?” Buck teases. 

Eddie’s cheeks go a bit pink. “Nope. This calls for beer.”

🍎

“Charles Timothy Nash, likely uncle?” Eddie reads the DNA profile match.

Buck nods. “Bobby’s brother. He doesn’t have any other siblings. I’d just met the guy, coincidentally.”

“Wow,” Eddie exhales. “What did Bobby say?”

“Nothing,” Buck replies. “I didn’t tell him.”

“What?” Eddie demands. “Why the hell not?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Buck asks, jaw tensing.

“No!” Eddie exclaims. “Buck, this is the same Bobby who was there for you when you found out you were adopted. Who stood by you through all your injuries when your parents were nowhere to be seen. He already loves you. You already know him. This is a good thing!”

“That’s the exact reason it’s a bad thing!” Buck insists.

“Literally how?” Eddie asks.

“Because he gave me away!” Buck shouts. His eyes spill over with tears. “He is the first person who ever made me feel like I had a home or a place in the world, and it turns out he’s also the first person to leave me.”

Eddie’s shoulders slump. “Buck… He would have been young.”

“Older than you with Chris,” Buck states.

“Yeah, and I’ve done a great job,” Eddie huffs.

“You have,” Buck argues. “Because he knows you love him, even if he’s mad.”

Eddie sighs. “I think you owe it to yourself to hear his side of this. We didn’t even know he had another kid. Maybe he doesn’t either?”

Buck hadn’t considered that. Did Bobby used to be the kind of guy who could get a woman pregnant and not realize? Buck used to be that kind of guy. There’s not a zero percent chance he has a kid out there he doesn’t know about. Maybe he inherited the behavior… 

But it doesn’t sit right with Buck. The image he has of Bobby isn’t someone who would ever be like that. Catholic, responsible, very monogamous. But clearly there’s a huge part of Bobby that Buck just doesn’t know at all. 

Then there’s the other thing. 

What if Bobby finds out, and he’s disappointed? What if Buck is fine as a friend, a coworker, an employee, but not as a son? Buck can and has handled rejection from a lot of people. Including his parents. But he thinks coming from Bobby, it just might kill him. 

“No,” Buck says. “I’m not telling him.”

Eddie sighs. “I mean, it’s your choice.”

“Yeah,” Buck agrees. “It is.”

“But, for the record, I think it would go well.”

“Can I stay here for a bit?” Buck asks, ignoring that. 

Eddie nods. “You can always stay here, Buck.”

[lemotmo]

Ahhhhhhhhhh

Episode was honestly really good. I loved the Madney of it all. And the buddie of it all. And the Eddie of it all and the Eddie and Chris of it all.

We got to see Madney being the power couple they are all episode.

See Eddie struggling and doing what he needs to do for his kid.

Chris and Eddie stumbled this episode but the end paid off. I do feel like dropping us off weeks into them reconnecting was a bit of a misstep because it felt slightly off even with us being able to feel time passing in universe through out the episode. But that hug and I love you dad at the end was just 😭😭 you just know it made Eddie’s entire month right then and there.

The Diaz parents. Mostly Helena annoyed me so much. Ramon tried to comfort Eddie but he still allowed Helena to make her little comments and shit 😒 and in front of Chris no less.

The buddie of it all was once again front and center. The foreshadowing with the fire captain? How his last recruit ran off with his wife he loved because she got a promotion.

Eddie saying I’m single you don’t have to worry about me you’ll never regret hiring me. And then us very much seeing and hearing him and Buck acting like husbands the entire episode. And they were not subtle about it at all. Literally every time something happened we immediately saw Eddie face timing with Buck. The Bobby said he always has a job waiting for him. The couch theory of it all?? Hello?? I might need your couch? Buddie roommate era I see you coming. The I appreciate you Buck 😭.

Which also hello the Madney and Buddie parallels all episode long. Chim being Maddie’s safe space. Buck being Eddie’s. Maddie constantly turning to Chim when she was scared or frustrated or lost. Eddie constantly turning to Buck when he was scared or frustrated or lost. Like 10 out of 10. Well done 911.

And Buck and him actually discussing Chris and how to proceed like actual coparents? Again 10 out of 10.

And the color theories. They went sooo hard last night. The blue and yellow of it all. The red and Blue of it all.

The Eddie uber driver was honestly kinda hilarious lmao. He was such a weird dork the entire time and it’s like this is who Evan Buckley is waxing sonnets about in La ladies and gentlemen 😂😂 they truly deserve each other 😂😂😂

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts !

YES Nonny! I share so many thoughts with you! I agree on all of this!

I posted my own thoughts here. But there was so much that you mentioned that I agree with as well.

I do wish that we had seen more of the Chris and Eddie reunion. That is about the only thing I'm sad about in this episode. All the rest of it? Top tier storytelling.

The Madney / Buddie parallels were insane!

Buck and Eddie felt like husbands throughout the entire episode. It was perfection! 🤗

Since 12 already went hard with the Buddie of it all, I do wonder what they are going to show us in 13 to top it all. 🤔

The Eddie and Chris story has been resolved. So both of them might be thinking of going back to LA. Helena might object to that, so that could be a big part of next week's story. I wonder if they'll talk about the will at all and that will make Eddie think a bit more about Buck and his relationship with him. Hmmmm... so many questions and no answers.

We'll have to wait an entire week! AAAAH!

[buckley-diaztruther]

tiny little buddle drabble that maybe will go into something bigger idk:

There had been a moment, right after Tommy had left following that first kiss, where Buck found himself sitting at his kitchen table and looking back. Looking over all of his past friendships (so few as they were) and wondering 'oh, was I into him?'. Or recalling flashes of something when looking at another man and dismissing it before he could look too closely. He thinks about that one threesome he had in college, where he'd maybe been a little too involved with the guy than was strictly heterosexual.

Buck just sits and he analyzes it all. Did he have a crush on Chimney when he first joined the team? Did he follow Connor to LA in a friend way or was it because he can't say no to a face that pretty? Was he actually flirting with TK that one time?

All of these little past moments begin to arrange themselves into something new, or maybe Buck is just really seeing them for the first time and recognizing the pattern, the giant queer constellation that they all make when lined up all together. And Buck feels kind of really stupid for not seeing it sooner.

He looks at everything, recontextualizes it all, and very blatantly ignores the giant gaps somewhere in the middle that he refuses to consider at all.

He doesn't think about Eddie. There was almost a moment, looking back at Eddie's first day and the HotAngryJealousyFear that had coursed through him, and started to ask himself if maybe there was a flash of arousal somewhere in there as well. But then, just as quickly as the question had come, Buck shuts it back down.

It's a forbidden area that he pretends he isn't even ignoring, pretends it's not even there to avoid. Because, whatever those first few hours might have been don't matter in the face of everything else they've spent the last six years building.

What Buck has with Eddie is so much more than anything that could be... polluted by something as harmful and pathetic as misplaced lust. That sort of feeling has ruined so much for Buck up until now, and even comparing that to his bond with Eddie feels wrong and dangerous. Feels to much like putting a lit match to the edge of a beautiful tapestry and asking it not to burn.

Instead, it gets packed away and everything that is his maybe insane but incredibly platonic love for Eddie gets set up on a high shelf that nothing and no one can touch.

And then he reminds himself that none if it matters anyways, because Tommy just kissed him and maybe that could be something. Maybe this is what Buck has been missing this whole time. It's new and it's scary, but isn't that how you can tell that it's important?

When the date gets ruined and Buck is inevitably left on the side of the road, he reconsiders. Okay, maybe Tommy isn't what's been missing. But it's a step in the right direction. If only he could feel good about it, if only lying to Eddie didn't feel like admitting something even bigger.

Thank god for Eddie pushing Buck to try again with Tommy, because it really helps put those uncertain feelings to bed.

Fast forward seven months and some change, and suddenly the uncertainty is back. Tommy is gone, then Eddie is gone, and then Tommy is back and chucking dynamite at Buck's carefully constructed 'Eddie Shelf' as if Buck wasn't already fucking haunted by it.

By the time Eddie gets back to LA, Buck has already spent weeks sifting through the rubble. Trying so hard to put it all back together without actually looking at any of the pieces. In walks Eddie, and then Buck looks down at the mess around him to see that the pieces are all shards of this giant broken mirror reflecting back at him everything he never wanted to know.

"You're in love with Eddie Diaz," his reflection says to him, like it's no big deal. "You're in love with Eddie Diaz and it's the easiest thing you've ever done. So easy that you didn't even realize you were doing it even though your eyes were wide open and you were stepping into it with such deliberate intent. You're in love with Eddie Diaz and it's the only thing you've ever done that's worth something and he will never love you back the same way but you will keep loving him with every breath, every smile, every step that takes you closer and closer to ruin and it will be so worth it to drop yourself into oblivion because all of it is for him. You are in love with Eddie Diaz and it hurts but you are in love with the hurt just as well because it is the greatest thing you will ever do. To bleed for him, to die for him, to live for him is the greatest privilege and you love him you love him you love him."

And Buck looks at Eddie, so vibrant and beautiful and joyful because he's home, he's with Chris, and it's everything he'd never dared to hope for over the last few months. But it's everything. And Buck is standing in the rubble, broken glass cutting into flesh and tearing him asunder but its nothing compared to the blinding, vaporizing power of Eddie's smile and it's everything.

Buck is bleeding out, and it is the most alive he's ever felt.

"Welcome home," Buck says, and it sounds like he's screaming 'I love you!'.

"Glad to be home," Eddie says, and it sounds like he's whispering 'I love you,' if only Buck could stop screaming long enough to hear it.

'I love you,' they don't say, as loud as they've ever been.

[hackedxy0x]

Eddie needs to come back FOR Buck. Yes, there's his job too and 118, and he definitely wouldn't and shouldn't go without Christopher But! When the decision is made it, has to be because of Buck.

I doubt that Eddie'd be the one to suggest it. Chris is going to have to be the one to say they're going back. He would have to make that decision FOR his dad.

Chris built a sort-of-a new life in Texas and I'm sure he misses LA and that he definitely misses his Buck, but Chris loves his dad and he'd stay wherever his dad is now that they've made up.

But, as I've said, Eddie probably thinks that Chris is settled in Texas now, so he wouldn't try to persuade him to go back to LA (Chris's happiness is his priority).

But Chris is a smart kid. He will see his dad FaceTiming with Buck multiple times a day, he'll JOIN him most times. And he'd definitely notice how much brighter Eddie is when talking to Buck compared to how glum he is around his parents.

And eventually, Christopher wil ask, "When are we going home?" which will catch Eddie completely off guard because he assumed that this was Christopher's new home. His parents are sure acting like it is.

"You're miserable here. And we can't just leave Buck all by himself in LA" would be Chris's argument because he knows a thing or two about being constantly left behind. "And I miss him. And I know you miss him too." And Eddie does even if he tried not to think it. He didn't actually have to think about, he'd just call Buck when he needed him. But it's not really the same, is it?

And Eddie's parents would be pissed, wondering why he's acting so irresponsible, taking Christopher away when Eddie doesn't even have a place to live, but both Eddie and Christopher know that they do have a home because it's common knowledge that Buck's home is Eddie's and vice versa.

Buck and Christopher's reunion is achingly sweet. Christopher's probably saying something like, "I missed you, I'm sorry we took so long," and Buck is trying not to cry.

Eddie and Buck tiptoe around each other for a few seconds because they've talked constantly but it's been way too long since they have actually seen each other. Buck may or may not have realised that he's in love with Eddie at this point, so he looks at him differently. Not to mentioned Eddie actually came back. And Eddie, now that he's here, is fully hit by how much he missed Buck. How much Buck actually means. And then someone finally breaks the ice and they hug. And Chris joins them and it feels right. All the missing pieces are back together and Eddie can finally relax.

Buck would be overjoyed to have them back, and he already got Christopher a bed (Eddie absolutely melts).

And a temporary living situation turns to months until someone (probably Eddie's parents) finally asks why he's still living there. So Eddie half-heartedly starts looking for a new place even though he doesn't want to leave and Chris doesn't want to leave. Buck definitely wants them to stay. But only Chris is bold enough to voice this.

After a few sabotaged and self-sabotaged attempts to move later, Eddie realizes that he's in love Buck and Eddie's pining arc begins. Of course, none of them move out of that house.

[evilgaytommy]

as much as I love buck pining in silence fic I genuinely don't believe a buck who has realized he's in love with eddie could keep that shit to himself he'd be spilling to maddie within 12 hours maddie would tell chim, chim would tell hen, hen would spill to buck that she knows and give him good lesbian advice, buck would AGAIN be spilling to bobby the second bobby suspected something was up the only question is how long the loud mouth brigade could keep it from eddie which my guess would be. like 17 minutes. so. we can only hope that buck has feelings realization first bc eddie is keeping that shit locked in a box in his chest for 400 years

[lesbiansforeddiediaz]

Where my Eddie meta differs from the popular fanon is I don't think all his problems are because he's gay and I don't think kissing a man would heal him or really benefit him much at all. (He is gay but that's not important right now)

[kiss2012]

i’ve literally replayed the end of 3x01 four times.

[babygirlbuckaroo]

.

[sevensoulmates]

I think I've figured out why Eddie's "you really did that for me?" is different for him compared to all the other times someone else, or even Buck, has done big things for him.

Because we can all point out endless examples of how this isn't the first big thing that Buck has ever done for Eddie. Hell, their friendship really took root due to the big ways in which Buck helped Eddie early on in s2 and s3. HOWEVER. Here's where the big difference comes in.

This is the first time Buck has ever done something like this for Eddie whilst they're in the midst of Active Conflict.

All the other times Buck has done something amazing for Eddie and Chris have been during relative times of peace, or times when Eddie and Buck were already on the same page about what they wanted. It's not hard for Eddie to accept because his and Buck's wants align in those moments.

Not the case in 8x09. Buck and Eddie's desires are on opposite sides now, or at least that's how Eddie perceives it. Eddie has to do something that he knows Buck won't like, and he thinks "This is it. This is the moment where everyone shows their true colors and leaves me high and dry to deal with my mess by myself." Think about it. Most people leave Eddie high and dry the first instance their goals don't align.

That's why Eddie's so surprised Buck wants to help him in the first place back in 8x08 and again in 8x09. For once, Eddie lets himself believe that someone will help him, even if it's something the other person doesn't want. And when Buck gets upset and petty, it almost feels like confirmation that Eddie is only worth helping when it's something that other people want too.

But Buck, in the midst of their fighting, before they even got a chance to talk or yell it out, before Eddie can even explain that he doesn't want this either, but he has no choice, Buck has already managed to figure it out for himself and decide that even though Eddie can't do what Buck wants him to do, it doesn't matter. Buck puts his desires aside and helps Eddie because it's what's best for Eddie and Christopher. I don't think Eddie has ever known what it's like to have opposing desires with someone and not come out on the losing side, to have to be the one to compromise or put someone else's wishes before his own.

This is the only time someone has loved Eddie unconditionally enough to put Eddie first.

[zainclaw]

One of the reasons why I've always thought that pairing up Eddie or Buck with a brand new character who's only brought in as a love interest will simply not work, is the fact that the rest of the mains are all paired up with other mains.

Bobby and Athena. Maddie and Chimney. Karen is the only wife who's not a real main herself, but her character and her and Hen's relationship are both so fleshed out and beautiful that she still feels like a main.

This is the main reason why, in my opinion, it's always going to feel so incredibly lacking to try and pair up Eddie and Buck with random new people. When we're so used to knowing and loving both parties in a romantic relationship on this show. It's one of the many reasons why I feel like endgame romantic Buddie is the only thing that's going to feel fair to their characters.

Which leads me to the genious choice of Tommy being brought back to be Buck's new love interest. Tommy, who's already an established character in this universe. Tommy, who's already got history with members of the 118 that aren't Buck. Who was insinuated to be a closeted gay long before he was gonna be Buck's bisexual awakening. Who said he thought Kirsten Stewart was too broody way before the show decided to pair him up with someone as sweet and bright as Buck.

And even now that he is a love interest, he still gets to keep a personality of his own. He still gets to be a little reserved when meeting up Buck for coffee at the end of the episode, hesitant to say yes to another date, because he's allowed to look after his own heart and not wanting to be hurt by someone who might still be in the closet, unlike himself. Like that is such a real and fair choice to make for yourself as a queer person, and I'm so happy they let him be all that.

I still think endgame Buddie is the thing that'll make the most sense for this show and its characters. But, my god, is it hard to be anything but fucking thrilled about having Tommy around right now.

[ivegotyourbackbuddie]

Waiting for a scene where Buck and Eddie are discussing their dating woes at the station, and Buck jokes, “Maybe we should spare the Los Angeles population and just date each other.”

And while Eddie laughs it off, Hen swoops in to say, “No, I think you might be onto something.”

Eddie suddenly stops laughing as Buck goes, “Huh?”

“Why not just date each other?” Hen asks as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Chimney laughs, “Hell, you’re already practically a couple.”

And while Buck and Eddie stammer out no we’re not and it’s not like that. Chimney crosses his arms and looks at Buck. “What was it that you said to me and Maddie about how we were already a couple? Something about how ‘you always are talking and texting, you do karaoke together, you do buff-fridays together, and you finish each other’s sentences…’”

“You remember that with a shockingly high amount of detail,” Buck says to try to turn the conversation away from him.

“And Buck and I don’t do ‘Buff-Fridays’ together…”

“We do pasta and a movie with Chris,” Buck says, finishing Eddie’s sentence.

Hen and Chimney exchange a look.

Eddie frowns and says, “Okay, we do those things, but how are we any different from the two of you?”

Chimney deadpans, “When I first met Hen, I definitely didn’t want to sleep with her.”

“Hey! Maddie promised not to tell you that!”

“And she didn’t,” Chimney says with a smirk, “but you just confirmed my suspicions.”

Hen has the audacity to cackle while Buck and Eddie both shoot her a look which only spurs her on. She’s practically wheezing when she says, “You two are also practically co-parenting Christopher.”

“Which isn’t what people do when they’re dating. Sure, they can love my kid, but they can’t parent them. Now Buck is my best friend so he… he can… give him advice and help out…” Eddie argues weakly while Buck’s heart skips a beat because Eddie just practically said yes, Buck is a parent to Chris.

Finally Bobby joins the conversation to add, “You’re right. People who are casually dating usually don’t coparent a child. But people who are married do.”

This sends Chimney and Hen cackling while they gasp, “Oh my god. You guys aren’t just dating. You’re married.”

And before Eddie or Buck can argue with them, Ravi innocently asks, “But you guys broke up for a reason, right? I know you guys work great together, but getting back with your ex is usually a bad idea.”

Everyone just stares at him as Eddie defensively asks, “Since when did we ever date?”

And Ravi’s jaw drops as he answers, “I mean. When I joined the one-eighteen everyone said it was better to stay out of the whole Buck and Eddie thing and not ask questions. And someone told me about this fight in the middle of a grocery store which I thought meant a breakup but… oh god.”

Of course, Buck and Eddie can’t get a single word in as Hen, Chimney, and even Bobby start laughing as if it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. The only thing that gets them to stop is when the bell rings, but even on the ride over, everyone - except Buck and Eddie - seem to have the giggles.

After the call, which is just a minor fender bender, everyone thankfully takes the advice given to Ravi and gives Buck and Eddie some space. But for the rest of the shift, the two just kind of stew in silence with their own thoughts.

At the end of the shift, everyone fleas from the locker area so Buck and Eddie are left alone. And after a few moments of torturous silence, Buck finally asks, “Why aren’t we dating?”

“Buck.”

“I mean they’re right. We’ve practically been dating this whole time - married even - just without the… physical stuff.”

Eddie just shrugs. “Physical stuff has ruined every relationship I’ve ever had.”

“It doesn’t have to.”

“But it has.” Eddie emphasizes his point by harshly shutting his locker and turning to Buck. “Why should I risk what you have with Chris - what you have with me - just for sex?”

“Because maybe it’s worth the risk. And maybe it wouldn’t be just sex. Eddie, you already have me. More than anyone else ever has. So why not date?”

“Buck…” Eddie trails off, endless emotions in that name.

Buck pushes on, stepping closer to him, “Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t try. And if you can’t give me a valid reason, then let me take you on a date.” Buck smiles softly. “I mean, we were already planning on getting breakfast in the morning. But this time I could pick you up and maybe hold your hand at the tabl-”

“Evan,” Eddie finally says which makes Buck’s heart drop. “Just… give me some time to think about it, okay?”

And Buck nods and holds his hands up while backing away. “Got it. Sorry for pushing. We can pretend it was a joke.” He tries not to look the way he feels - absolutely heartbroken.

Eddie just gives him a weak smile and grabs his things before heading toward the door only to stop in his tracks and walk to Buck. “Hey.”

Buck glances up at him, searching his expression for something.

Eddie grabs his shoulder, thumb resting above his collarbone. “We’re still good for breakfast tomorrow?”

Buck smiles and nods. “Yeah. Always.”

“Good,” Eddie states, lingering in the moment before his thumb moves slightly, caressing Buck’s collarbone for a moment before he steps away and leaves without another word.

Buck watches as he goes, placing his hand over where Eddie’s was. He can’t help but wonder if Eddie was testing the waters with that swipe of his thumb or trying to soothe Buck in his own way.

It’s only a few hours later when Buck can’t sleep that his phone lights up with a message from Eddie.

Let’s make it a date.

[moonstruckme]

I remember seeing you say a little while ago you would take holiday requests so if this sparks some inspo for you…. How about best friend!Steve being reader’s secret Santa and giving a gift that is so sweet and personal and kind of a confession of his feelings (like Jim’s gift for Pam in the office)

Thank you for requesting!

best friend!Steve Harrington x fem!reader ♡ 984 words

Steve’s afraid his wrapping is a dead giveaway. 

He tried his best, but gift wrapping is a new skill for him. There’s an overabundance of tape and plastic bows covering up a hasty patch job. Nancy laughed when he gave it to her to put under the tree for the secret Santa exchange. She called him sweet for trying with a weird look in her eyes and a little smile. 

You and Steve are sitting together as always. Sometimes he wonders if it’s more habit at this point than anything else. You walk into a room and you just go to him, unthinking, like a magnet. Steve does the same thing, but, well. He knows why he does it. 

So far, Eddie’s gotten a large pack of socks without holes in them, Robin’s gotten a Bangles album, and Steve has gotten a t-shirt with the words Big Dick printed on it that he’s sure Eddie—it had to have been Eddie—thinks he won’t wear, and so he will wear solely to Corroded Coffin shows, out of spite. When it’s your turn, you find Steve’s gift with your name under the tree and your eyes move between your friends suspiciously. He’s not sure whether to be relieved that you don’t immediately guess it’s from him. 

It’s painful to watch how carefully you unwrap it. You peel back layer after layer of tape, unfolding without ripping, the paper crinkling gently. 

“Come on!” Eddie jokes. “That’s not the spirit of Christmas. You’re supposed to tear it up.” 

“No!” you laugh. “Someone put a lot of effort into this. Look at all the bows!”

“Look at all the tape,” Robin mutters. She’s got Steve dialed, for sure. 

The box underneath the wrapping is plain cardboard, found in Steve’s basement. Your lips part as you open it. 

“Oh, my god.” You lift a large ceramic mug from the box. “This is—it’s my mug. Steve?” 

Steve fights a smile as you look at him, eyes wide and happy. “Can we say?” 

Robin makes a derisive noise. “Like she doesn’t already know.” 

“Steve,” you say again, stretched out and sweet like taffy. Your face softens as you reach around him for a hug. “This is so cool. Where’d you get this?” 

“Well, they didn’t only make one,” he jokes. He’s working hard to contain the full scope of his smile. God knows Eddie would never let him hear the end of it if he saw. “I found a lookalike.” 

Behind you, Robin makes a face, widening her eyes at her girlfriend dramatically. Steve is sure Nancy’s heard all about how Robin was dragged from thrift store to thrift store, town to town, one long Saturday until they found the right mug. He’s glad when she doesn’t launch into her tale of complaint again now. 

“Harrington got you your own mug?” Eddie asks, perplexed. “Did he, like, steal it from you and give it back?”

“No,” you laugh. “No, it’s…” You turn, your eyes meeting Steve’s. 

The mug is from a coffee shop you and Steve used to go to. You went together for years, starting back in school when you wanted a place to study and Steve was willing to pay three bucks for a cup of coffee to talk at you while you worked. It had become your regular spot. You had a couch you always sat on, and the baristas recognized you, so eventually there was a mug your drink order always came in, too. It was wide and green, curved with a thick lip. Plain enough, Steve thought, but you loved it. Maybe it was more that you loved having a regular drink order at a place that felt like yours, but for some reason the mug was special to you. The coffee shop closed down last summer. Steve couldn’t get you your couch (he thought about it, but it wasn’t sure where you’d put it and it seemed like a bit much), so he got your mug. 

“It’s from this place we used to go,” you say to Eddie. Your thumb brushes across the smooth ceramic, still looking at Steve. “Thank you.” 

“Yeah, sure.” He shrugs, leaning back against Nancy’s couch and trying not to look too obviously pleased with himself. “It wasn’t a big deal.” 

Robin makes a half-suppressed guffawing sound. Steve sends her a look to tell her to zip it. 

⋆⁺₊𖠰₊⁺⋆

You lean into Steve’s side, and Nancy watches his face turn into something so tender she almost wants to grab her friend’s heart and keep it safe for him. But she thinks it’s safe with you. 

Anyway, there’s no saving Steve now. He’s been looking at you that way for years, practically since he’s known you. It’s only that now you might be starting to see it. 

You’re speaking to him quietly, holding your new mug between your hands like it’s the most precious thing you own. Your legs are nearly in Steve’s lap. He says something back to you, and you smile, bright and beatific. Your eyes stay glued to him like he's the center of your world. 

“Still can’t believe it took a whole Saturday to find a green mug,” Robin mutters, too low for anyone else to hear. She’s stolen Steve’s Big Dick shirt and put it on over her long sleeve, the large fit comical (and adorable, if you ask Nancy) as she tucks one of her knees up under it. 

“I don’t know,” Nancy says, leaning sideways so their shoulders rest together. “I think it’s sweet. It obviously means something to her. Don’t you think that’s sort of worth it?” 

Robin makes a soft sound in the back of her throat, but she softens when Nancy turns her eyes up to hers. “I guess so,” she sighs. 

On the other side of the couch, you erupt in laughter at something Steve’s said. He lights brighter than the Christmas tree.

[aliesbienish]

The idea was good, the execution not so much

Established Buddie x Reader, ft our fave Diaz Chris. You and Chris plan a surprise for the boys, it doesn't quite go to plan.

The house was quiet when Eddie and Buck arrived home from a 24 hour shift. Usually when they finished at a reasonable hour they came home to hustle and bustle. You and Chris generally had music playing as you cooked up a storm throughout the kitchen.

Instead it was almost eerie silent in their house, in fact if it wasn’t for your car parked in the driveway they’d assume no one was home.

Buck shrugged at Eddie as they made the way down the hallway, peering in doors as they passed. It wasn't till they opened the door to the living room that they found any signs of life. Twinkling fairy lights were hung across the walls, basking the room in a light golden glow. Soft instrumental music was playing gently from the speaker and the table was set for four.

"What's going on?" Eddie whispered to his partner, Buck for his part looking just as bewildered. "Where are they?"

Buck shook his head in confusion, making his way into the living room. He spotted you and Chris pretty quickly, both sunk into the sofa fast asleep. Eddie followed him over and both men couldn't help the grin when they saw their partner and son, clearly accidentally napping while waiting for the boys to come home.

"Hi mijo," Eddie whispered, gently pulling Chris from your embrace and into his arms. "Dad! Bucky! You're home," He whispered wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"Mom and I were supposed to surprise you, we didn't mean to fall asleep,"

"We can see that superman." Buck whispered, "What's the big surprise?"

"Ay dios mio," Eddie suddenly exclaimed, staring down at Chris in shock.

"What Eds?" Buck questioned.

"Look at Chris' shirt Ev,"

Chris grinned stretching out so Buck could read it properly. There sprawled across his tiny chest were the words 'BEST BIG BROTHER'.

"Oh my god," Buck gasped, mouth opening and closing but no other words coming out.

"Surprise," You whispered nervously, having woken up from your nap to Eddie's shout of shock. Both boys whipped around to face you, as you grinned sheepishly.

"Baby, is this true? It's not a prank right?" Buck whispered, placing his hand across your stomach like he already expected a big bump to be there.

"It is, I found out yesterday. Chris and I had a big plan to tell you both, there's even a bun sitting in the oven," When Evan got a look of concern on his face you followed up with "the oven is turned off, I promise."

"You're sure? About being pregnant I mean."

"Positive, literally." Handing over multiple tests to each of the boys, all with the same result. "Chris was actually the one who mentioned it, I may be slightly bias but I think our son is a genius,"

"So Amy from school, her Mom is pregnant too and she was talking about how she is feeling sick and getting tired more often." Chris chattered happily, "So then when Mom was like that the last week I thought that maybe she was."

"That's great superman," Buck said absentmindedly.

You couldn't help but notice that Eddie hadn't even spoken yet, and Buck's tone was making you worried. While you had discussed expanding your family before, it was always talked about in the vague future and the idea that maybe they weren't ready was chewing you up.

"Hey Chris honey, I think you should get the card we made for your dads! I think it's sitting in your bedroom." He excitedly agreed, giving you a short time to talk to your partners.

"I know this is a shock, but is this okay? It's sudden but I love you both soo much and.."

"Baby," Buck interrupted, wrapping you in his arms. "this is the greatest gift you could ever give me. I can't wait to have another child with you two, honestly I can't wait to see Chris as a big brother." You sighed in relief knowing at least one of your partners was on board.

"Eds?" Buck whispered while directing the other mans head up gently with his hand and gently placing a kiss on his forehead. You both noticed the tears in his eyes as he struggled for words.

"I am so so grateful to you [y/n], for allowing me the opportunity to get to be a dad to another child again. I love you more than words can express." Tears of happiness began to fall down your cheeks as he pressed a soft peck to your lips and place his hand gently on your belly.

"And Buck, I can't wait to watch you be a Dad to this baby. You are an amazing parent to Chris but I am honored to be a dad with you again to this baby, to get to watch you Buck, and you too [y/n], get to experience every little moment together. Between us and Chris this baby is going to be so loved and cherished,"

Buck and Eddie wrapped you between them in a hug, whispering words of excitement and joy. You only parted when Chris came back in the room, a grin on his face as he thrust the card towards Eddie and Buck.

"Here" he grinned, passing over the card with the front reading '10 reasons why going to the zoo will help me be a better big brother!'

[fevers-and-emeto-oh-my]

Throwing my hat in the ring here bc I've honestly weighed in on far more volatile discourse and i also feel like yammering about this.

Coming into 9-1-1, almost everyone I spoke to and everything I saw told me I would NOT like Tommy. He was rude, he was terrible to Buck, he called Buck "Evan," he walked out on a date, he made mean comments, etc.

I did take this with a grain of salt, because I rarely conform to fandom consensus on characters, pairings, plot lines, etc. (Destiel was my NOTP in SPN and I do not like Ada at all in RE, for example). I'm perfectly happy to have opinions that don't line up with everyone else's because I'm here to have fun for myself, not for anyone else. (Putting this under a cut because it got LONGGGG)

Then I get to 7x03 and see Tommy again for the first time since s2. and he is a BLAST. He's grown, he's not posturing or repressing himself. He oozes confidence off the bat and is INCREDIBLY fun (the MOUTH STATIC??? HELLO???). He has this dry wit that I fall in love with immediately ("well, unless you feel like swimming back, that's all we've got." "because we're flying into a hurricane. probably all gonna die anyway.") i am EXCITED. i am also reallyyyy confused, because THIS Tommy would have to do a complete 180 in personality or how he treats Buck for me to suddenly have the vitriol for him that's so common across the fandom.

7x04. I am smitten with how Tommy acts through the tour of Harbor--leaning reallyyyyyy close to Buck, the charming teasing lilt to his voice, his little smile. Eddie shows up and Eddie and Tommy become besties. I love this too--they would absolutely get along like a house on fire, and there's INSANE chemistry between Tommy and Eddie immediately. I don't personally like them taking a chopper to Vegas (my Eddie would never set foot in a helicopter willingly unless it was for someone he loved, like Bobby and Athena the episode prior) BUT they 110% fucked on that trip and I will not hear any arguments otherwise.

We're skipping over the buddie of it all bc this post is about Tommy. The kiss???? The fingers under Buck's chin???? (THANKS LOU) The SOFT look on his face the entire time???? I'm immediately sold. Bucktommy is immediately a new fave and I'm excited to see if I like Tommy more than or just as much as I liked Taylor.

7x05! The date. AKA instant desire to douse myself in bleach from second-hand embarrassment. I know this is where a lot of people soured on Tommy, but when I reached the end of the episode I honestly couldn't understand WHY it soured people so intensely and immediately. That date was a DISASTER for multiple reasons, but I don't think Tommy was WRONG for leaving. Buck was nervous the entire way through (implied by Tommy's line assuring him nobody was looking at them) and it's his first date with a guy, so who can blame him? His line about being an ally was uh. Yikes. But they had already eaten and were getting the check, so obviously dinner as a whole went pretty well considering the scene opens with them both content and joking around a little bit. Obviously Buck couldn't have foreseen Eddie showing up. And I don't BLAME Buck for losing his head and overcompensating--he's not even out to Eddie yet, not even sure what his sexuality means for him himself yet, it's totally in character for him to panic and stick his foot in his mouth.

I don't blame Buck, really, I have empathy for him. BUT I also don't blame Tommy. Tommy is comfortably out, we don't know what his last relationship was like, and no matter how much he UNDERSTANDS what Buck did, it still had to hurt to be there and basically be outright friendzoned in an effort to be hidden. I don't care how you spin it, the situation absolutely sucked for both of them. People get really really mad about the closet comment, and it's not a moment I particularly enjoy from Tommy, but I understand why he said it. That kind of dry poking is in character, and I truly don't think he MEANS to OUT Buck, I think he's just hurt and lashing out a little bit (which, for what it's worth, we have seen EVERY character lash out WORSE than that). If I was Tommy, I would have left after dinner instead of going to the movies too.

People get really mad about Tommy leaving Buck alone on the street. When I first heard that he did that and how MAD people were about it, I was picturing Tommy pulling over in the middle of nowhere somewhere and leaving Buck stranded. That would have also made ME mad, so it was what made sense to me as what had to have happened.

And then.....Tommy just.....got his own Uber? And left Buck on the well-lit, populated street literally in front of the doors to the restaurant? After being really honest with Buck that he likes him, but he's not sure Buck's ready to be out with a guy yet. People also didn't like that but I thought it was fair? It wasn't Tommy telling Buck Buck's feelings. It came across more to me as Tommy looking out for Buck and speaking from a place of experience as a gay man much further along into his own journey. He doesn't say it but from what he said about being under Gerrard and coming out when he went to Harbor, I'm sure TOMMY had his own growing pains just like that.

Honestly, I think a lot of the anger about leaving Buck on the street comes from the fanbase having a lot of women. If Buck was a woman and Tommy left him there, then yes, I would not trust Tommy as a love interest at all because it would mean he wasn't at all concerned for fem!Buck's safety. But if I take me being a woman out of how I look at it, it's not really an issue? Buck is a cis white male, he's broad, he's 6'2". It's not impossible for him to get attacked, of course, but it's significantly less likely, and he's standing on the sidewalk directly in front of the restaurant doors. Buck's also a perfectly capable adult; it was their first date. Tommy had truthfully no obligation to take care of Buck, and Buck has a phone and his own agency. He can get himself his own Uber.

At this point, I'm more intrigued than anything by fandom's gung-ho hatred of him, because Tommy hasn't done anything black-and-white undeniably egregious. I watch the rest of season 7 and I love him the whole time. He genuinely cares for Buck and while I had anticipated hating that he called Buck "Evan," I actually loved it. Lou gave it such an affectionate inflection that it's very endearing, and his use of "Evan" feels natural and sweet, not the forced-intimacy awkward that I was expecting considering that's how it felt with Ana calling Eddie "Edmundo."

I get to 7x09/7x10. People don't like the "enjoy it while it lasts" comment at the awards ceremony. I get to the dinner scene where they talk about fathers and the 118 as a family and Tommy says "god, I hope so" to the idea of Buck having daddy issues. Both of these things have been pointed out to me as horrible moments.

Neither line makes me hate Tommy. The daddy issues one I find exceptionally fun. At this point, and as I watch s8, I am more or less convinced that fandom hates Tommy for three different reasons: he's not Eddie, they don't understand his sense of humor, and they don't trust Buck to look out for himself.

I will be the first to say i ADORE buddie. AND bucktommy. And buddietommy is the FIRST OT3 that has INSANE chemistry and subtextual backing in canon. Every scene where the three of them are together, the three-way chemistry is off the charts and they fall naturally into what really feels like a poly dynamic, PARTICULARLY in Masks where they're two boyfriends tag-teaming teasing and taking care of their third boyfriend, Buck.

But like I said, I think fandom's hatred of Tommy comes from the fact that he's NOT Eddie. Buck is bi in canon, hooray! Except....they give him a boyfriend that's not Eddie, disappointing buddie shippers. Buck has romantic scenes with someone that's not Eddie. Buck kisses someone that's not Eddie. Etc. To me, people hate Tommy so much the exact same that they hate Taylor and Ana (every love interest tbh, but Taylor, Ana, and Tommy get the most hate and bashing), because none of them are EDDIE.

I also think the fandom doesn't understand Tommy's sense of humor or how he shows affection. It's fanon that Tommy is Italian. I totally adopt that headcanon, because in MY Italian-American family (AND on my Irish/Scottish/French-Canadian/Portuguese family on my mom's side) do you know how we show love? We break each other's balls. We tease the shit out of each other. I tell my dad he's so full of shit his eyes are brown. There's a written list on the inside of the cabinet of the words I have pronounced horrifically wrong. My dad's cousins have the SAME dry, deadpan delivery that Tommy does.

My friends and I ALSO have this kind of humor. It's ALSO how we show love to one another. I have never read a single line of Tommy's as being malicious or rude or as him not liking Buck, because to me it's CLEAR that he's joking and being affectionate. (And also, the fandom puts words in his mouth....Tommy did NOT call Buck gross in Masks. Buck SAID he knew Tommy THOUGHT he was gross, and Tommy DENIED that and tried to explain himself. Also Buck's line "my own boyfriend won't even kiss me" is followed immediately by Tommy saying "that's not true.")

The dinner scene after Bobby's heart attack made sense to me. Tommy gave Buck space to say how he felt (and i think the "your dad is alive" line came more from a place of Tommy NOT having a parental figure in a captain. I don't think that was meant to be dismissive, I think that was a misunderstanding) and honestly, if MY boyfriend made a joke about daddy issues during that conversation I would have loved it. Sometimes humor is the best medicine.

That also rolls into my last point--people don't trust Buck to look out for himself. The fandom loves Buck, for good reason, but they also baby him. Buck is a grown man. Yes, he has abandonment issues and PTSD. He probably has anxiety and he definitely has ADHD. But...none of those things mean he can't speak up when people do things he doesn't like? People get so annoyed with the daddy issues line and with Tommy telling Buck to put the screen away like it's dismissive or infantilizing.

First of all, I have (undiagnosed) ADHD. Sometimes having someone outright tell you "okay that's enough of that, go [do a task or transition to something else]" is HELPFUL. Tommy was literally sleeping on that stupid most-uncomfortable-looking couch just to be downstairs with Buck, he clearly cares about him. When you care about people, sometimes it means a little tough love. It wasn't infantilizing when MY irl friends would be like "you've had enough to drink" or "i'm making you dinner." Sometimes we ALL need some of that decision-making taken away from us. And also? Buck doesn't listen to Tommy. In the morning they talk about Buck staying up too late. It's not like Tommy got mad and took the laptop and FORCED Buck to bed.

Second of all, with the daddy issues joke. I love Buck. I do. He's one of my favorites. And yes, Buck can successfully hide SOME of what he feels. But that man is an open book 90% of the time. His heart is on both sleeves and his pants legs. If you say or do something he doesn't like, he's NOT shy about showing it (which we just had confirmed AGAIN in 8x09). If the daddy issues joke BOTHERED BUCK, his face would have fallen. He would have gone quiet. He would have left the table. Even if he didn't say it to Tommy in the moment, there would have been some indication that HE PERSONALLY had an issue with what was said. Instead he's giving Tommy a little smirk and intense heart eyes the whole time.

Not to mention, BUCK BRINGS UP DADDY ISSUES. He STARTS IT by saying "So maybe we both have daddy issues," while one of his eyebrows quirks and he gives this little almost shit-eating grin. If you're going to be MAD at the daddy issues joke, you should be mad at BUCK if you're gonna be mad at anyone, because he STARTED IT.

I won't get into how I feel about the breakup bc it's not relevant to this post really, but yea. I personally love Tommy, Bucktommy was Buck's strongest relationship imo (only a touch stronger than Bucktaylor), and my personal belief is that Tommy gets far more hatred than he deserves. (Talking about his growth from the Begins episodes is also a different post, but he grows DURING those episodes and also is clearly a better person from what we see in s7/8)

[writersmess]

DEATH WISH LOVE | EVAN BUCKLEY

gif credit

Pairing: Evan Buckley x fem!reader

Summary: Buck never thought he could love someone like that. Especially not someone with the same death wish love as him.

Warning: Anxiety crisis, near-death experience, hospital, crying, ansgt.

Word count: 2.5K

a/n: My God, I can't believe it's taken me over a year to get back. I missed this place so much. It's been an intense, crazy year. I finally got my dream job at the best hospital in Latin America. I'm so happy, but at the same time it's demanded everything of me, working long shifts almost every day, but its the price I have to pay. I hope you like this one, it was based on the song Death Wish Love by Benson Boone, which as soon as I heard it I immediately imagined something with our dear Buck. I confess I thought I'd do something angsty, but I don't think I have that capacity, he already suffers so much that I just wanted him to have a happy ending this time.

Masterlist

................................

You were the new firefighter in 118, and also new to the city. In order to follow your dreams, you left your hometown with everyone and everything you knew. You craved for bigger things, you wanted the big city, you wanted Los Angeles.

The team welcomed you with open arms, which was unusual to you. You weren’t used to this or neither known by your affectionate gestures, but apparently everything was an excuse for a hug at the station. It was a bit hard to get used to all this affection, especially when you came from a place where you were always by yourself.

That was one of the main reasons you became a firefighter, you have walked through fire every single day of your life, why not make it your profession?

You were a source of curiosity between the team, always so quiet and so resistant to everyone's affection. It was hard to win you over. Especially because you had a rather difficult personality, you were fearless at work, you weren't afraid to go into the fire to save lives, you did it without thinking twice.

To Bobby you were a cause of concern, and sometimes the reason why he was having trouble sleeping. He knew this personality very well. It was the same one he had struggled for years to learn to deal with, the one he had to fight with so many times, he was very familiar with this death wish love, it was the same as Buck’s.

The blue-eyed man on the other side, couldn't understand why he couldn't take his eyes off you. Ever since you arrived a few months ago, your image has been running through Buck’s mind. You've become a challenge for him. But not in a bad way, he wanted to get to know you, he wanted to understand you. But you didn't make things any easier for him, especially when today was the first time he'd seen you laugh.

"You're drooling" he snapped back to reality when he heard Eddie mocking next to him.

"Shut up" Buck said, turning his gaze back to you playing with his niece.

You had a beauty he couldn't explain, an angelic one. You had this steely gaze and looking at you felt like suicide. He would fall to his knees if you asked him to. How could someone so delicate also be so dangerous?

The way you were reluctant to follow Bobby's orders, you'd walk into the fire without a second thought. You would take risks without thinking about your own safety, just thinking about everyone else. He saw how hard you worked, he saw how mad Bobby got when he ordered the building to be evacuated and you were always the last one to leave. You were intriguing and he was fascinated.

It was so strange for you. Being in Maddie's living room, with everyone gathered together like a big family, laughing and telling funny stories. The team met once a week, with all the families together, the children running around the living room, the smell of food in the air, the voices, the laughter.

You accepted the invitation after a few months of refusing, and now you spent the week looking forward to the moment when you would be together again.

Sometimes when you got home from a meeting, you cried. You cried because you never had that, you never had anyone who cared about you. You were an unexpected pregnancy, your parents didn't planned you, they didn't want you and that was never a secret to anyone.

And that's why you were surprised when one day you arrived early at the station and Hen had a cake for you that you had once said reminded of what your grandmother used to bake.

Or when another one Eddie handed you a drawing that Chris made specifically for you. Of the two of you playing together.

Or when Maddie sent you, through Chim, the cookies you said you loved one day while you were having coffee together.

Or when Bobby invited you to have lunch with him and Athena on a Sunday ‘cause he knew you were going to do it alone.

Or when Buck gave you a book he'd heard you say was your favorite during a conversation.

*

It was mid-afternoon on a Sunday. Your hands were shaking, your heart pounding. The words your father had once spoken echoed in your mind. "You will never be loved". But you were at a table with 118's entire family, and you felt loved. Maddie told you about the gossip from her work. Karen hugged you from the side every time you passed by her. Hen included you in every conversation. Athena calmly answered all the questions you were curious about her work. So why did you feel like an imposter? Why was your father's voice echoing inside your head? Why were you on the verge of an anxiety attack?

"I'll be right back" you muttered to the girls, but you realized how shaky your voice sounded. You were pathetic.

You barely made it to the bathroom, your legs buckled and you sat down in the corner of the room. You could hardly breathe, it was hard to pull in the air. Tears streamed down your face. Your heart was racing. Your hands were shaking.

You heard your voice being called from outside. Damn. You couldn't calm down, your hand was on your chest as if it could make the pain go away.

"Hey, hey. I'm here. Calm down, I’ve got you" it was Buck.

His voice was just a whisper in your ear. You let a sob escape your lips. Pathetic. You felt his arms around you, until you were all wrapped up in his arms. Why was he doing that? Why did he care?

He stayed there until you stopped crying. You were still in his arms, and it was so warm, so safe. Sighs came from your lips, and you couldn't imagine what a mess Buck's head and heart were in. He wanted you in his arms, not just now.

"I'm sorry," you whispered and tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let you, so you stayed.

"You don't have to talk about what's going on in there, but the day you feel like you need a hug to cry into, you've got mine" your eyes filled with tears again. "And don't ever apologize for it"

*

The smiles on your lips were becoming constant. And it was Buck's favorite image. You were letting people through your armor, you were letting your guard down, and it felt good. You now baked pies and cakes for the station on your days off, recipes learned from the girls after a few long afternoons of chatting and coffee.

Your laughter was contagious, and the boys would always crack little jokes to get them out of you.

Your eyes were now looking out for a pair of blue ones, all the time, everywhere. Eyes that were always looking back at you. Your hands were always looking for an excuse to bump into Buck's, just to feel that shiver run down your spine every time. And he would find any reason to text you, until the excuses became routine. You woke up every day with a good morning message and went to bed with a good night one. The little touches now became big gestures, Buck loved to brush your hair out of your face and tuck them behind your ear. And you loved to run your hand over the birthmark above his eye. You loved when his warm lips traveled up your neck to your lips. You loved when his hands ran over your body always so slowly and so gently, bringing goosebumps wherever they went. You loved making love with him. How he worshiped your body, how much he worshiped you. The way he made you feel loved.

You had a hold on Buck, and you didn't even know it. He had become attached to you, attached to the idea of having you by his side. The nights with you were the ones he could truly rest in, the mornings where he woke up to your soft kisses on his face, were the ones he would keep forever in his mind.

But he could feel that you were still resisting his feelings, and he was terrified of losing you. Buck was in love with you. It took months for him to realize that, but he did it. He loved you.

But one thing has never changed. And as Buck followed the loud murmurs coming from Bobby’s office, where he knew you were at, he kept in mind the danger you were in at every call. He couldn't lose you.

"Hey, what happe-" he couldn't finish the sentence when he saw you walking out the door, since you brushed past him, bumping into his shoulder, without even looking him in the face.

Buck made his way to the room, where he saw his captain wiping his hands across his face, letting out an exhausted sigh.

"She'll end up dead if she keep acting like this, Buck"

"I know"

"After the last call, if she doesn't change her behavior, I'll be forced to suspend her."

"I know."

Buck couldn't lose you.

You couldn't talk to Buck yet, you were so nervous after your conversation with Bobby. You were trying your best, how could he tell you that you had a death wish love? You were saving lives, and it didn't matter if it cost you your own. You didn't care.

A new call ecoed through the station. It was something big. A fire in a shed. People were working at the time, so there were many likely victims. You were anxious, just as you were before any call, but you were ready for it. You were born ready.

"Be careful," Buck told you before you got off the truck and you nodded. You were always careful "I love you"

You turned surprised to Buck, you'd never said that to each other before. It disconcerted you.

"Buck, I-"

Before you could say anything, you heard Bobby calling you to give instructions and you had to run.

I love you.

The words echoed in your head as you entered the burning building. No one had ever said that to you. You didn't even know the weight those words carried.

"Sir, follow this path and the fireman will take you to the exit."

It was so hot. You'd already lost count of how many people you'd pulled out of the line of fire. Your head was heavy. It was getting hard to breathe.

"Evacuate the building now," you could hear Cap saying over the radio. Everyone agreed and gave their location. You were about to respond when you heard something.

It was a call for help.

You could have sworn it was a call for help.

"Captain, I'm in the east side, I hear someone screaming for help. I'm close, I can get them out"

"Negative, the building will collapse at any moment. Get out immediately"

Your vision was blurred.

I love you.

You couldn't go out and leave those people to die, so you went ahead. The way to the door was difficult, there was a lot of rubble, and when you opened it, you froze in place.

It was empty. The fire danced in front of you, mocking you. But the cries for help... you've never been so wrong before.

I love you.

“It’s empty” you murmured at the radio.

Bobby was shouting your name from the other end of the radio. You turned around, but it was so hard to breathe. You tried to find your way back, but everything was spinning. Buck was now calling your name.

I love you.

His words were running through your head. Your steps were now slow. The way out, you couldn't find the way out. You could hear the fire laughing at you. Stupid. Pathetic. You heard an explosion behind you, and it threw you off balance, bringing you to the ground. You'd been walking through fire all your life, and now it would finally take its place back. Your siren buzzed in your ears. That would be the end of you.

I love you too, Buck.

The moment Buck came out of the building and didn't see you outside, he tried to go back. But hands held him in place.

This couldn't be happening. No, no.

Bobby called your name on the radio and you didn't answer. It's empty. That was the last answer they got. You weren't answering. An explosion. On the east side, where you were.

Buck's knees gave way, and he went down. All eyes were on the exit of the building waiting for you, waiting for a miracle. But it never came.

Buck screamed, and he would scream until his lungs gave up.

Time seemed to stop. Buck's screams were the only noise to be heard. And another explosion. Tears rolled down trough some faces. No one could believe it. This couldn't be happening.

Buck couldn't lose you like this.

"We found her" some voice echoed over the radio.

Buck's heart could stop any second now.

But the building was collapsing.

He broke free from his friends and ran into the building, dodging all the fallen and burnt obstacles, and he saw you. You were in the arms of a fireman. He ran up to you and carried you out of the building. As soon as you stepped onto the sidewalk, the building collapsed. Buck held you in his arms with all his strength and ran, feeling the debris fly past you.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" was the first thing that came out of your lips when he put you on the stretcher and he shut you up, pressing his lips to yours.

Buck analyzed each of your wounds alongside Hen and Chim and you could see the tears streaming down Buck's face, the ones that were also streaming down your own.

You were still struggling to breathe, every inch of your body ached, and you felt on the verge of losing consciousness. Until you succumbed to the darkness that was calling your name.

*

You woke up a few hours later in hospital. Your hands were being squeezed and you could feel something wet running down over them. Tears.

Buck had his face in your hands, he had never felt so afraid before. And when he heard your voice calling him, it was as if he could finally breathe.

"I'm sorry, Buck, I-I don't know what happened-"

"I almost lost you today"

Your heart broke into a million pieces. You did this to him, your recklessness, your impulsive behavior. It was your fault.

"I'm sorry"

Tears were now streaming down your face and he moved closer, running his hands gently down your cheeks.

"I was terrified of losing you. I'd die if I do."

"I would never leave you"

"Promise?"

"I love you, Buck. And I'll love you to death"

"Please don't let it be soon"

You smiled. No one had ever loved you like that.

"It won't."