#like what does that leave me with? it's not loss of speech cause i have confirmation now that i CAN really still talk it's just this...

[talkorsomething]

I was asked if i was restless at the appointment, and at the time i said no, but now i'm realizing that's EXACTLY what's going on :'5

in theory i should be taking it as easy as possible & chilling & watching tv or whatever it is people do but like . I just CANT somehow. Not even that i don't want to - i just can't seem to make myself do it. So i've definitely accidentally downplayed whatever's going on......

Anyways, for reasons i (shouldn't) say it looks like i'll probably have to figure out how to get another job when the odds are stacked against me. It's not just that i'm autistic, it's also ... [redacted]. I tried something that i thought would work & she doesn't even seem to realize it's actually MASSIVELY fucked me over. And, well, i do, in fact, need more support to get to the level of "actual functioning adult" that she seems to think i'm already at.

Just... i can function well enough at home that i don't think about it, but there's certain aspects of living that i'm going to need taught, and throwing me to the wolves in the name of "teaching yourself how to be independent" really isn't going to work out.

[falling-star-cygnus]

things i've noticed about HSR characters bc character design is my obsession

part two: 🎼Save a horse🎵 Ride a Cowboy🎶 ✨Boothill✨

who should i do next :D

his bullet earring and cartilage piercings [the bullet as a red chain link coming down from the hoop, kinda like when it first gets shot] -> also- if you zoom on his face too long he glares at you

it doesn't matter what direction you tilt his head, you cannot see his right eye clearly, this is the closest i got -> obviously this line was him joking about the cause of him being a cyborg, but i think he genuinely lost his right eye too. also- he's an optimist??

he's got air vents on his neck!!

Boothill's medals glow when you get victory stacks :D -> also they jingle every time you use his attack!! and look at his spurs!!

he's got a port on his left hand, to match the one on his back, but not his right. [are they connected? what does the one on his hand connect to?] -> i wonder if he can put bullets through the one on his hand and store them for later

his original name meant loaded gun, so that's pretty cool -> and pretty dark considering he was literally turned into a living weapon ['as always, he and his partners turned to guerrilla warfare 😃' has the same energy as 'so anyway, then i cursed her 😊.']

man's hips are OUT

anyway-

his hair is interesting to me. is it natural? his sixth eidolon has the interesting mix of black and white that it does currently, even though that's him as a human

wouldn't be cool if it was Marie Antoinette Syndrome? -> it can be caused by extreme stress and trauma to the body//mind, which you can't deny Boothill went through -> but it can also be caused by Alopecia Areata, which is a rare autoimmune disease that causes your cells to attack each other and target the pigment and structure of hair follicles [altho alopecia usually results in hair loss]

could the loss of his body, paired with how he was found as a baby, cause the discoloration of his hair?

also the leaves in his eidolon are most likely that of a tulip trees, which are symbols of freedom, liberty, and free speech [which he unfortunately does not have] -> Native Americans would often use the inner bark of these trees for medicinal purposes too!

they can also just be decaying leaves, representing the deteriorating state of his body

HC for the road: Argenti is the only one he’s let see his missing eye. He fully intended to try and scare the Knight of Beauty off, try to force him to admit that his body wasn’t all he praised it to be, but instead Argenti just cupped his face and repeated his praises

[idleoblivion]

"An Unexpected Lesson in Envy" Cater Diamond x GN Reader

Synopsis: Cater wants to show off pictures of you on Magicam, but the online response is not what he was expecting.

Word Count: ~1.4k

A/N: Well it turns out that Cater’s speech and whole overuse of internet lingo thing feels so unnatural to write for me so I think I ended up making him more serious than I was supposed to lol, I did my best. Also the @ looks like that cause I almost accidentally tagged a real person lol

Warnings: jealousy, light reverse comfort

“Come on, just a few more!”

“You said that ten minutes ago!”

You loved him, you did, but your boyfriend had a habit of roping you into photo shoots that could be inconveniently long. You were too cute, he’d always say, he couldn’t help it. You were in the gardens of Heartslabyul, which made for the perfect background as well. Today though, you have a history essay that you really need to get started on. If you stuck around too much longer, you’d have to work pretty late into the night to finish in time. 

“You’re so cruel to leave me~” he whines, which you respond to with a lighthearted glare. “Fine,” he sighs, “We’ve already gotten enough good pics anyway.”

“Thanks. I’ll text you later tonight.” You quickly kiss his cheek before hurrying back to your dorm to work. 

Cater returns to his room as well. While he’s ascending the tall, twisted stairs to get there, he’s scrolling through all the photos he got today. He’s almost giddy as he looks through them, you ended up with some fantastic shots today. 

He flops onto his back on his bed and starts collecting his favorite ones to post. He decides on a short collection of them, and rushes to Magicam to show them off. 

‘Some adorbs photos with @ ididntasktobehere in the gardens! Some of my fav pics I’ve taken! #aesthetic #gorgeous #photoshoot #CayCaythebestphotographer’

He smiles to himself, satisfied with the caption he typed out. He posts them immediately, excited to see the response that they’ll get. And the attention starts coming within minutes of posting. 

He knew the pictures would get some popularity, his followers liked almost anything he posted featuring the gardens, and you were always a stunning model in his opinion. What he doesn’t expect is the amount of attention. The comments and likes start rolling in like they never have for him. No other post of his has gone as viral as this one. 

He’s ecstatic about it, until he starts actually reading the comments. 

-OMG, who is that? They are BEAUTIFUL 

-literally ethereal omg

-They could slap me and I’d actually thank them for real

-JUST ONE CHANCE PLEASE I BEG

He’s…conflicted. 

Of course you’re beautiful, and of course people would notice. That was to be expected, so why was his chest still feeling tighter and tighter the more he read?

He wasn’t the jealous type, really. He never got upset if you were affectionate with your friends. He never blamed you if some other guy flirted with you, because of course you always turned them down. And as long as they took no for an answer, he couldn’t really blame them for finding you attractive either. 

It’s never been so many people though. Especially all at once. It wasn’t just one person who wanted your attention, it had turned into hundreds thanks to his post. People were praising you with every compliment they could think of, and some were even asking if you were single. 

Your account was private, so he wasn’t worried about you being flooded with unwanted attention suddenly. But he was worried about what you’d think if you saw all the comments. Would you be uncomfortable? 

…Would you like them? He guesses he could understand if you did, everyone was being so nice and complimentary. But he realizes a part of him really doesn’t want you to. 

He was the uncomfortable one. As uncharacteristic as it was, he was jealous and had to admit it. 

Now he was at a loss for what to do, though. Does he delete the post? You followed him, so if you checked once you were done with your essay and the pictures weren’t there, you might ask what happened to them. He technically could respond to everyone that you were taken, but didn’t that make him seem insecure? He should be able to just brush it off, he thinks. 

It’s getting late by this point, and he decides to just try and ignore it for the night. He’d deal with any more comments in the morning, when his head was a little clearer. 

—-

He could not ignore it for the night. Every few hours he was up and checking for any more replies to his post, always finding at least a few new ones. His frown deepened with each additional comment. For the first time, he was actually loathing the popularity of his own post.

You could tell something was off when he greeted you with only a half-hearted smile and spent your whole walk to class together clearly lost in his own thoughts. He wasn’t any better anytime you spotted him in the hall between classes. He still wasn’t any better at the end of the school day, which is why you follow him to his dorm to confront him about it.

“Come on, you know you’ve been weird today. Are you feeling sick? Is something wrong?” “It really isn’t that big of a deal.” There’s absolutely zero pep in his tone, none of his usual Cater mannerisms present. He seems almost exhausted.

“That’s a lie and you know it. Cater, why can’t you talk to me about it?” He ponders for a second, still feeling guilty for being jealous in the first place. But clearly he wasn’t hiding it well, and making you worry about him didn’t feel very good either. So he takes a deep breath in before laying out everything that happened with the post.

“...That’s it? I saw the post, you even tagged me. I looked at the comments too when I saw you were getting so many. I honestly just rolled my eyes at them. I didn’t realize they were making you upset.”

“I…I guess I didn’t expect to be either? I just…I don’t know why. It’s not like I think you’d break up with me for one of them or anything.”

“It’s still okay to feel weird about it though. Do you want to take the post down?” “I thought about it, but I’m not sure. And the same thing might happen if I ever post more.” He seems extra dejected at the thought of that. Luckily, an idea pops into your head.

You grab his phone out of his hand. He looks at you surprised, but lets you open up his camera and sit next to him.

“Okay, now like this…” You put his arm around you and lean into him close. He seems to get the idea at this point and smiles widely before pulling you in tightly himself. You both position yourselves in frame, and you press your lips to his cheek as you take the picture.

When you pull away and hand him his phone back, his mood has already flipped completely. Even more so as he types out his next caption:

‘Thanks for the love on the pics we posted! Me and my lovely partner @ ididntasktobehere have been reading all the nice comments together! #cutestcouple #cutiesinlove’

“‘Cuties in love?’ Get rid of that, that’s embarrassing.” “But it’s true! We’re a couple of cuties, the cutest couple in the school!”

He laughed at himself and closed his phone with a satisfied grin. He was sure the two of you got the point across to everyone. With his confidence restored, he looks at you and starts brainstorming again.

“Oooh, maybe Vil will let us use one of the rooms at Pomefiore, everything in there is so fancy, it would totally blow up if we did a little shoot there.” “You’re seriously already planning another?” You laugh.

Of course he was. Now that everyone had it straight that you were taken, he was going to take every opportunity to show you off. 

Plus, if anybody had something to say, he could always just ask you to kiss him on camera again. In fact, he decides, he’ll probably ask you even if they don’t. Because as good as showing you off felt, it didn’t feel nearly as good as showing off that you were his and he was yours.

[sugar-grigri]

Hey! Have you noticed the visual parallels between the gun fiend and Chainsaw man in this latest (152th) chapter?

The parallel between Aki and Denji in the last chapter

No, I hadn't noticed, and I like that others have because I might have an explanation for this parallel.

Fujimoto likes parallels, but this time he does it the other way round. Let me explain: for me, and according to my interpretation, he had already made an explicit reference to chapters 78/79 in this chapter:

Chapter 142 exploited Denji's relationship with others, but also with being a CSM, just as Fumiko's speech only reinforces the fact that even when she places herself as a victim, she reinforces Denji's position as a martyr.

Even when Fumiko argues that she saw CSM as a child, the chapter proves her wrong, whether through her unsuccessful manipulation techniques, her many contradictions, but above all her behaviour is typical, allowing Denji to deny the pain he suffered by killing his brother.

I won't go into it again ((if you want to know more, the link is above)) the only thing you need to remember here is that Fujimoto still intends to exploit Aki's death, albeit in a subtle, poetic way in part 2.

In chapter 152, Denji suffers because he has decided to; his suffering is his own, he demands it and even sees it as a means of experiencing pleasure. What's more, this chapter follows on from chapters 150/151 in Denji's claim to his own identity: I WANT to be CSM, and no one is going to stop me. The negative consequences are mine because I've decided to.

Whereas during his confrontation with Aki, Denji's identity was stolen by his "fans" (a theme dealt with in chapter 142), who positioned themselves as the only suffering parties (ignoring Denji's), and it was the frightened, bruised men and women who decided that CSM had to save them, had to act and kill.

So chapter 152 is more than an awakening, it's Denji who takes back the right to suffer if he has decided to do so. Before, it was always the others who decided, but instead of taking the plunge and saying: I'll never let myself suffer again, this time the martyr doesn't want his suffering to be taken away from him.

Because if we take away Denji's suffering, he won't turn into a CSM anymore

If that's taken away, his memories of Power and Aki are fragmented

These last two sentences are actually linked, because Denji has learnt to love just as much as he has learnt to suffer through Aki and Power. Aki's curse is to have been possessed by his sworn enemy, the Gun Devil, who reclaims his rights over the man who tried to resist him: to be there to make Aki's family suffer, always, even the second time around.

As the curse repeats itself, Aki's mind is stuck in his childhood, when it hadn't yet been broken, so he's blindly enjoying himself. Because, paradoxical though it may sound, it was when Aki realised the cruelty of this world, the loss of loved ones, that he tried to protect his family - the greatest act of love. Suffering is an awareness.

Aki had gambled on his suffering before, wasting his years of life with almost no ties. And when he began to change his perception of wanting to do something for his family, those wasted years didn't leave him enough time to protect his second family.

While he was escaping the suffering of his first family, he didn't even realise that he was causing the second to suffer. Fate was simply amused.

It is just as much for Power, a bestial being by nature who has already learnt about the suffering of losing loved ones with Meowy's kidnapping, Aki's anguish possessed at the door, bringing a birthday cake to Denji as an act of kindness, before realising that she would rather die than let Denji die. Suffering is also what brings destinies together and intertwines them.

Power and Aki are symbols of the same thing: when suffering began to be reflected in others, materialising in the fear of losing a loved one, fate turned against them.

So what Denji is doing is a narrative attempt to free himself from his fate, if he starts to fear more for Nayuta than for himself, if he stops being CSM for her, then the passage of suffering turned against oneself, there will always be someone to catch the ball. So Denji ends the cycle.

Denji will see no-one but his pain, Pochita, he will ignore even the flames that tore him away from his animal family, he will push back to Nayuta. It's a retreat into his own identity in the final chapter, a futile attempt to escape from a pain even worse than the pain of being cut in two, the pain of seeing another part of himself ripped away: a loved one.

Now we've pretty much understood the parallel. But don't forget the beginning of this post, Denji is doing exactly what Aki is doing.

Chapter 152 is the hero's attempt to regain control of his destiny, as if suddenly aware of the suffering inherent in the work, wanting to reverse it, to turn it into pleasure.

But he will not escape his fate. Denji may laugh, but only fate will have the last laugh.

[fae-morrigan]

I Read Bendis So You Don't Have To: The Famed Jon Kent Age Up

Hi! I'm Milas. I've read more Bendis Superman than is probably healthy.

No matter if you liked the age up or not, most fans are in agreement: this run was bad. Pretty dang bad. And I agree- this run is often hard to parse through all the... er, bendisisms, and often mangles what little themes it has through poor storytelling and lackluster use of page real estate. However, I unfortunately have become an expert on this particular story due to how many times I reference it in analysis, and I do not wish my suffering upon anyone else. So, to spare us all from said suffering while writing meta, I encourage Jon fans, from whichever corner of his fandom you come from, to use and link to this series as shorthand if you so need to.

This installment will be going, objectively as possible, beat by beat through the actual events of the famed 2019 Jon Kent age up.

Issues covered are Superman (2018) issues 7-10, as well as briefly covering the events of Super-Sons of Tomorrow (all issues) and The Man of Steel (issue 6).

Before we can get to the actual mainline Superman run where this event occurred, we should real quick go through the events leading up to this.

In Super-Sons of Tomorrow, Jon is confronted by Savior, an evil version of Tim Drake from a future where Jon accidentally causes a massive loss of civilian life via an explosion of his powers. Savior is travelling from back in time to try and prevent this from occurring by killing Jon, therefore stopping the catastrophe. This causes infighting amongst the Teen Titans, even more fighting with people from this alternate future timeline, and concludes with a vote being held to decide if Jon is welcome amongst the Teen Titans. The vote decides no, Jon will not be admitted onto the team.

Though the Teen Titans tell Jon that this is because the events of the book gave them a lot to think about and work out, this is not what Jon takes away from it.

In Man of Steel, Jor-El shows up and invites Jon out to space with him. This is meant to be a journey where Jon will be able to learn things that Clark has "neglected" to teach him, as well as connecting with his Kryptonian heritage.

Clark and Lois are vehemently against this at first. Clark, especially, does not change his mind on this being a bad idea, even after Jon leaves.

However, the reason Jon goes is because, in his own words, he feels like there is something wrong with him.

This is a feeling, that, in text, Jon feels specifically sparked on by the events of Super Sons of Tomorrow. Feeling lost, and like he needs to explore himself, Jon (and Lois, who does not want to leave her son unattended, and intends to write a book about the experience) join Jor El in space.

(I highly do recommend you all read Man of Steel, because it's about as close as Bendis gets to writing genuinely well in this whole collection of books, and I can only screencap so much of the sheer amount of discussion that happens between the three Kents about Jon going on spacecation. Trust me, they didn't just shoo Jon off! They talked about it for what in comic time was AGES.)

This is where we get to issue 7 of Superman, where Jon returns from his vacation... as a seventeen year old.

As Jon himself says, he didn't get aged up magically- He lived those years. So, what actually did happen to him while he was out there? What happened during those six-to-seven years (depending on who you ask)?

First: What happens to make Lois leave?

The House of El suit Clark lends her to keep her safe makes her a target, a target that puts her in active danger (in exact opposition to what Clark intended), and so for her own safety she departs.

Leaving Jon alone with his grandfather. Who, as Jon says, has gone completely insane.

The nature of Jor El's insanity is revealed in the next issue, issue eight, as we reach what I and friends call the Jor El Nihilism Speech:

Jon follows Jor El's line of thinking for most of the conversation- He understands what it feels like to not belong in the story, because that fear of being somehow wrong was what brought him out here in the first place. Jor El, Jon Kent, both men outside of time, outside of belonging. Neither should exist. But Jor El takes it to a conclusion Jon doesn't accept: That it's a hopeless existence.

This makes Jon want to go home. Concluding Jor El has utterly lost it, he decides he needs to make a break for it somehow. Because of how far from Earth they are, he can't just fly off, so he attempts to get some help from some Green Lanterns:

It doesn't go well. At this point, Jor El stops speaking to Jon for awhile, and they spend... an indeterminate amount of time fighting through the galaxy, trying to solve people's problems. While not talking to each other. At all.

But when Jor El finally does try and talk to Jon....

Well. Here's the part you're probably reading this post for:

Yay! Its volcano time! An unexpected black hole throws Jon (and Jor, but we'll get to him later) through dimensions, landing him on Earth-3. At the feet of the Crime Syndicate.

If you're going to read ANY issue for yourself, I recommend it to be this one. The Ultraman stuff is not only perpetually relevant to Jon's story, its LIKELY going to be relevant again when Absolute Power: Super Son releases. Ultraman is the one member of the Syndicate who claims Jon as 'his':

And proceeds to imprison Jon in a volcano. As I am sure all of you know by now. The Volcano.

Ultraman and Jon trade some conversation back and forth, establish who each of them are, before Ultraman tells Jon he is never going home, and that this is home now:

It becomes quickly apparent that due to the lack of sun, Jon has no protection, no way of escape. He tries to fly out, but no dice:

And so stuck he is. For multiple years. With nothing but pigs to feed on, stuck with a monster who intends to 'train' him to his full potential:

But eventually, Jon escapes. He takes a rock, bangs a hole in the side of the Volcano, and gets himself out, relying on what little he has left of his invulnerability.

Now is a good time to mention a small misconception I see peddled around a lot: There is actually significant evidence pointing to the idea that Jon did NOT spend all six years in the volcano. After wandering Earth 3 for an indeterminate awhile, going from city to city and stopping to help people along the way, there is a strong suggestion by the way Bendis frames it that this was also years. I'd personally estimate Jon's time on Earth 3 was about half and half- Three ish years of the volcano, three ish years of surviving out in the wild. Anyways, Jon finds his way to the Syndicate's headquarters, encountering an evil version of Lois who tries to attack him. But surprise! Onto issue 9, we finally get to Jon's rescue!

Jor El was also displaced in the multiverse, of course- But we have no idea for how long, where, and what he did during this time. All we know is this: Jon wasn't just thrown across space and time, he was thrown backwards.

I think this is where the source of the most misconceptions come from: Its complicated to grasp! But very simply, the reason why Jon was able to live six years while everyone else stayed the same age was because he wasn't just thrown TO Earth-3, he was thrown backwards as well. Here's a chart I made about a year ago to try and visualize it:

If you're wondering how Jor El found him... we actually don't know. All we know is Jor El apparently made some fucked up arrangements in order to accomplish it.

And that kind of brings us back to the beginning, where Clark and Jon reunite. There are still a lot of unanswered questions, namely how Jor El managed to get Jon back in the first place, but this is essentially the rundown of the age up. So to recap very quickly: 1. No, Jon was not magically aged up. He lived those years. Its spacetime travel, not just space travel. He is mentally 17-18. 2. No, Clois didn't just 'let him go' with no conflict. It was actually a huge argument that ended up also really mentally fucking with Clark in later arcs. He goes to therapy with Khalid Nassour about it! 3. Jor El has a lot more to do with all this than he reasonably should. I could explain why he's alive but it would give us both an aneurysm- Just know in this story, he kind of serves as a foil to Jon.

Now, why did Bendis write the age up? Here's a post by a friend that gets into the metatextual reasons why this was a thing.

[memekais]

epic the musical sentence starters. the circe saga. feel free to change pronouns as needed!

puppeteer

i have something that i must confess, something that i must get off my chest. until it is said, i cannot rest.

there's only so much left we can endure.

whatever you need to say can wait some more - of that, i'm sure.

[name], back so soon? where's the rest of your crew?

we came across a palace. inside we heard a voice.

nothing could prepare us for the power that awaited inside...

sir, since we left home we've faced a variety of foes from a wide range of places - gods, monsters, you know the roster, hostile creatures that we could resist.

this was a hell of a twist, cause we are weak to a power like this.

welcome to the best part of your lives.

go ahead and rest wherever you like.

i got you, don't worry [name]'s got you now.

i bet you're tired from the years spent on your feet.

think of your past and your mistakes.. they'll be the last mistakes you'll make.

i got all the power, yeah, i got all the power.

no, i'm not a player, i'm a puppeteer.

they transformed... and it wasn't quick.

this is the price we pay to live.

the world does not tend to forgive.

look at all we've lost and all we've learned, every single cost is so much more than what we've earned.

think about the men we have left before there are none.

let's just cut our losses, you and i, and let's run.

i can hardly sleep now knowing everything we've done.

there's no length i wouldn't go if it was you i had to save. i can only hope you'd do the same.

what if she can't be killed? will you choose to leave?

no one will find their way between my nymphs and i, their loving queen.

it's a game of wits but you don't have to play.

wouldn't you like

i must say what a brilliant speech you gave.

you wanna beat her? you'll need the blessing of a certain god.

[silly little laugh]

wouldn't you like a taste of the power? wouldn't you like to use more than words?

deep in the night the fight lasts for hours.

you can be hurt or you can beat her.

wouldn't you like to have some of thе magic? wouldn't you like your outcome prefеrred?

deep in the night the fight can be tragic.

i'll help you conquer her.

she can turn you into an animal that'll end up on her plate. she can all but make you fall in love like you're on your hundredth date!

she can conjure up a monster that'll grind you to the bones.

she has all the ways to haunt ya when you take her on alone.

here in the root of this flower, there lies such a power to take her on.

don’t thank me friend, you very well may die. haha, good luck!

done for

i sent out some scouts to take a look around through here and they wound up at your door.

through the years we seldom get a warm welcome, so i must ask just to be sure... did you do something to them?

all i did was reveal their true forms.

i don't know who you are nor why you're here but let me make this one thing clear: i've got people to protect, nymphs i can't nеglect so i'm not taking chances, dear.

if you makе one wrong move, then you're done for.

anything i don't approve, then you're done for.

i could put a spell on you and you're done for.

boy, you better run or soon you will done for.

i don't mean to tip your scale but you will fail at placing any spells on me.

you better cower now and flee.

you must be a liar. mortals can't acquire moly without dire consequence.

then i must be a god like you cause i got this root from the ground with my bare hands.

you and i are now evenly matched. our fates are intertwined, they're attached.

i've got people to protect, friends i can't neglect so now there is no turning back.

you've made your one wrong move, now you're done for.

i will be the one to prove that you're done for.

not even a spell saves you, cause you're done for.

the last time we let strangers live, we faced a heavy loss.

you've given me no reason to bestow you with my trust.

everyone's true colours are revealed in acts of lust.

there are other ways

there are other ways of persuasion, there are other modes of control...

there are other means of deceit, there are other roads to the soul...

there are other actions of passion you have so much left to learn.

want to save your men from the fire? show me that you're willing to burn.

who's to say with the mistakes i've made that they will be the last mistakes i ever make?

there is so much power but there's puppet here.

this is the price we pay to love.

i'm just a man, forgive me.

back at home, my wife awaits for me.

she is my everything, my [name]... and she is all my power.

the god of tides is out to end my life.

so i beg you, [name], grant us mercy.

let us puppets leave.

there might be a way to evade him, there might be a way to get home though this other way’s very dangerous.

it might be your one final hope.

i can’t get you home, but I’ll get you to the underworld instead.

maybe showing one act of kindness leads to kinder souls down the road.

i remember actions of passion... i have been in love once before.

maybe one day the world will need a puppeteer no more.

maybe one day the world will need a puppeteer more.

[wheelie-sick]

Your bio said you’re okay with questions so I’m asking you a good faith question. You’re welcome to not answer but it’s a real genuine question.

What is the difference between auditory processing disorder and being hard of hearing? I believe that they are not the same but no one will tell me why

so a lot of it comes down to the difference between not understanding speech and not hearing sound at all

while hard of hearing people often have a hard time understanding speech it goes deeper than that. even with mild deaf gain ("hearing loss") your life is pretty impacted. speech is definitely one of the largest areas, yes, but it's also leaving the oven running because you can't hear it. or forgetting the faucet on. or having your water boil down to nothing. or missing the sound your car's engine is making. or missing the squealing of burnt out brakes. like, some of this can get pretty dangerous. and all those little things add up.

auditory processing disorder can cause there to be a delay between you hearing something and processing it but it does not cause you to not hear sounds entirely (this idea for some reason gets passed around Tumblr, a lot of people with APD here are definitely either misdiagnosed or self diagnosed wrong)

people also treat the two very differently socially. I've had someone take advantage of my d/Deafness to follow me to my house because he knew I wouldn't hear him behind me. that's just... not a danger when you can hear someone approaching. and that's not to say that there's no discrimination at all that happens towards people with APD, there absolutely is, it just looks different.

I hope that clears some things up ❤️

[pablitogavii]

Best friend's little sister Pt. 6

I was sad when we left Ibiza almost like I knew, that the peace will the over the moment we return to Barcelona.

"What is it cielo???" Pablo asked sitting on the plane besides me while the rest slept peacefully and I looked from the window into his eyes as tear fell down my cheek.

"We're never going to be happy in Barcelona...we don't even have our beach to escape to there" I explained and he dried my tear pulling me closer and kissing my forehead.

"Hey, we'll figure it out I promise...I am going to explain it all to Pedri and everything will be fine I promise you" he said and I rested my head on his shoulder nodding my head and slowly falling asleep.

Pablo knew that he needs to be the one to tell his friend the truth, but no matter how hard he tried it never seemed to be the right moment. Meanwhile Vini haven't tried anything and Pablo wanted to make sure he does it before that asshole do it for him when he least expects it. Now they were in the dressing room preparing for El Classico and Pablo just couldn't stay quiet anymore.

"I know you're in shock but I love your sister, hermano..." Pablo practiced his speech while being alone in the dressing room arriving too early needing to make it perfect. Xavi heard him opening the doors and shocking the boy a little.

"What are you doing here so early, chaval??" Xavi asked and Pablo sighed sitting down and telling him what he planned.

"You can't do it now Gavi...the last thing we can handle is loss in El Classico! Joder chaval, you really know the worst timing!" Xavi explained and Pablo nodded never wanting to do anything to harm this team...he just needs to wait for the game to be over.

"You ready to win this one hermano!?" Pedri was hyped up and Pablo smiled knowing he won't be so enthusiastic after the game no matter the result.

"Hola Pablito, como estas???" Vini walked down the hallway while they waited for the game to begin. He got between him and Pedri winking and smirking which made Pablo want to punch his stupid entitled face.

"Walk away!" Pedri pushed him but Pablo told him off saying he was fine which shocked his friend. Vini only smirked nodding his head and walking to the Madrid side.

"Since when do you diffuse the situation with madritistas???" Pedri asked but Pablo just said he wasn't in the mood as they started walking onto the pitch.

Game was never better for Barça, 3:0, as first half was coming to an end. Pablo was happy celebrating with his teammates as they exited the pitch but then a hand grabbed his bicep pulling him to the side.

"If we lose, you lose...remember that!" Vini threatened and Pablo gulped walking back thinking of what he needed to do...if Vini is the one to tell Pedri, he will lose me forever and he promised not to let that happen..he needed to throw the game.

Second half was completely different, Pablo never played worse, and whenever he would get the ball he almost directly passed it to a Madrid player...one goal..then another and before fifteen minutes passed it was 3:4 for Madrid.

"What are you doing!!!?" Pedri pushed him and everyone else was in complete disbelief but then Vini walked whispering "good job, Pablito" which made things ten times worse...he betrayed his only team and family and never felt more guilty.

"Change me míster!!! Porfavor!!!" Gavi kept telling but Xavi shook his head wanting the boy to learn an important lesson...he believed in his loyalty to Barça.

I was watching it all in disbelief...this was not my Pablo...and I knew there had to be something that Vini said to him to cause all of this. I felt awful...it was my fault he is throwing a match...I needed to leave the stadium not able to watch this anymore.

Then players started avoiding playing on Pablo which resulted in another goal that made the boy panic. He saw Vini's angry face and tried his best to steal the ball from his own teammates. Kounde was the one to push him on the floor and told him to back off for which he got a yellow card...this was the first time a player gets a card for attacking his own teammate.

He looked at Xavi's disappointed face as he walked away and he was done with all of this...he won't let Vini threaten him into betraying his second family...he can do what he wants but he will explain his best friend that his feelings are true and honest...and he will fight for me.

In the last five minutes, Barça won a penalty and Raphina got ready. Pablo ran and begged him to shoot instead. Everyone said no but Rapha looked at boys tearful eyes asking to make it up and he allowed it.

"Pablo please don't miss..." I said looking at the screen holding his jersey in my hands in anticipation. He ran back and shot straight into a lower corner as I screamed celebrating loudly in my room. Barça won and I never felt happier!!!

After celebrations and every teammate hugging and kissing Gavi, was he determined to tell Pedri everything. He walked towards the dressing room to meet his friend who was on his phone with a pale face.

"Hermano we need to talk about Y/n..." Pablo said but before he could say anything else he received a strong punch that made him end up on the floor with a bloody nose.

"Pedri!" Rapha pulled him back as the rest of the teammates joined pulling the boy away from Pablo who sighed knowing he was too late...Vini did as he promised...and he lost his best friend.

When Pedri came back home I rushed to congratulate him but seeing his angry face I backed away. Balde and Rapha told me it was not a good moment but my brother pulled away from them and rushed towards me.

"What did that hijo de puta do to you hermanita!!!???" Pedri asked and I felt a cold shiver move down my spine knowing he must have found out a truth...I just hoped it was Pablo who told him.

"Pedri, he didn't do anything wrong...I wanted it too...and we..love each other" I said seeing Pedri reaching to his phone and showing you a picture on the screen...damn it!!!

"He's just a horny bastard wanting to prove he can get into every girl's pants!!! It's what he always does, makes stupid bets then gets into girls pants and then dumps her!!! He's older than you and manipulated you but I won't let him!!!" Pedri was yelling now and I didn't know what to say or how to act in this moment.

"STOP!!! He's not like that and you know it!!! If he was he would of dumped me months ago!!!" I yelled before even thinking and my brother was frozen in place...Shit!!!

"This has been going on for months!!!???" he said angrily but his friends were pulling him back saying he should go to his room and rest for tonight.

"Pedri, please..." I tried but Rapha showed me it was a bad idea so I stayed back smartly.

"You're not gonna be with Pablo Gavi! End of discussion!" Pedri yelled while going upstairs to his room and I felt a tear wet my face.

"Let him cool off and then talk to him..." Rapha said touching my shoulder and Balde hugged me telling me not to cry. I was really like a little sister to all of them.

"How's Pablo???" I asked and they both sighed telling me about the punch and I gasped holding my hand to my mouth...I really wanted to see him right now!!!

When they left, I kept calling and texting but there was no response...I was hopeless thinking that Pablo once again abandoned me.

"I meant what I said!!!" Pedri took my phone and I threw a tantrum but it didn't work since he just left me there angry. Great! Now even if Pablo tries to reach our, I won't be able to answer. Luckily I texted Masa earlier and she was throwing rocks at my window to signal that she was there.

"I got you girl!" she said helping you sneak out and you took an Uber to her place. You were crying in her arms while she tried to re-assure you that everything will be just fine.

"He'll understand once he cools down" she said

"Everyone keeps saying that but it's not true! He'll never let me be happy with Pablo because he doesn't trust him! I just want to run away Masa!" you said and she comforted you for while until you fell asleep out of exhaustion on her lap.

Pablo saw my messages after he got home and plugged his phone in and he tried to call but it went straight to voice mail. He was worried sick but knew that Pedri probably took my phone away when he got home. Fuck! He wished he can hold me right now!!! He fell asleep looking at the picture we took during our first date on the beach in Ibiza and tear escaped his eye.

When I woke up late afternoon, I saw Masa sleeping on the couch signing and grabbing my backpack before leaving...I was thankful to her but I just needed some time on my own to figure out what to do next.

"Masa, have you seen my sister???" Pedri woke the girl up and she looked around the apartment telling him that you left in the morning but she didn't know where.

"Damn it!" Pedri said angrily hanging up already knowing where you could of went and it infuriated him. I just loved pushing his limits like this!!!!!!

Pedri drove to Gavi's house knocking and surprising his friend who asked what he needed. Pedri just pushed passed him looking around like he was invited.

"Where is she!!!??? Y/n let's go!!!" Pedri yelled but there was no answer while Gavi started to get worried sick. He assumed I was home but now that Pedri was looking for me that meant nobody knew where I was.

"Have you checked with Masa???" Gavi only wanted to help but Pedri gave him a threatening look.

"She left her in the morning and I thought she came here because I told her she couldn't be with you...damn it where is she!!!???" Pedri said and Gavi was just as worried grabbing his phone to check if you answered to any of his messages.

"She won't answer...I have her phone" Pedri said showing Pablo your phone and he sighed nodding his head and grabbing a jacket to join his friend.

"And where do you think you're going cabrón!?" Pedri said and Pablo walked up to him grabbing the car keys determined to help no matter what.

"We are both worried for her, so I will help you find her Pedri" Pablo said ending up pinned against the wall with Pedri ready to once again kick the shit out of him.

"This is your fault!!!" Pedri said through his teeth and Pablo sighed nodding his head.

"I should have told you! I'm sorry how you found out! But I am not playing with her despite what you may think!" Pablo said seeing Pedri holding himself back which was very hard at this point.

"When I find her, she's not staying in Barcelona! I won't let you do to her what you do with every other girl! She's my little sister!" he said letting go off Pablo who fixed his collar.

"Let's just find her, please..." Pablo said following with his friend as they both went to the car driving around the town calling anyone they knew.

"Did she tell you where she would go last night???" Pedri was on the phone with Masa who was also looking around as well feeling guilty for sleeping through your sneaking out.

"She just said she wanted to run away because you won't let her be with Pablo..." she said and Pedri looked at Gavi angrily who sighed.

"Did anyone else knew!?" Pedri asked while Gavi shook his head telling Masa to keep looking and keep in touch.

"You just had to prove you can have everyone huh!?" Pedri said while holding tightly onto the steering wheel.

"That's not why I did it...at first it was attraction...but later I fell in love with her hermano...I promise i never meant to hurt either of you" Pablo said and that brought back memory to Pedri.

"I told you she's off limits when her ex boyfriend figured it out...you looked me in the eyes and lied!!!" Pedri yelled while Pablo nodded willing to take all the crap because he deserved it.

"I'm sorry I lied Pedri but knowing how you felt I couldn't tell you the truth...you're my best friend and I betrayed you...I tried staying away from her hermano...she tried being with someone else...but it didn't work out..." Pablo spoke and before Pedri could reply they saw you sitting on the beach on a small bench.

"Y/n!" Pedri yelled when they parked and I turned around seeing the two of them walking towards me. The moment my eyes rested on Pablo, I ran while crying hugging him tightly right next to Pedri.

"Why would you do that!? I was so worried about you!!!!!" Pablo said while holding me and Pedri looked at the tow of us starting to see that his friend truly did care for my safety.

"I'm so sorry...I wanted to be alone...I should have said where I was going" I said through tears as we pulled away and he dried them before we pulled away looking at Pedri.

"I'm sorry hermano!" you hugged Pedri too and he held you protectively in his arms caressing your hair as you cried while looking towards Pablo.

"I'll leave you two..." Pablo felt like he should leave not able to look into his friend's eyes from guilt but as he tried to move, I grabbed his hand pulling him back.

"No! Don't go please!" you said moving from Pedri not wanting to be separated form Pablo again.

"Cielo, it's my fault you're feeling like this...I'm so sorry" he said holding my face but when he was about to walk off Pedri interrupted him.

"Stay. Let's just get home" Pedri said and Pablo was shocked nodding his head knowing his friend is still angry but at least gave him a chance...it's all he could ask for after all...I smiled holding his hand as we went to the car.

I made some hot coco bringing it to the living room where the two boys set in complete silence. I put it down sitting next to Pablo and holding his hand. He was a little uptight but let me rest on his chest seeing that I was exhausted from crying all day at that beach.

"I'm really sorry hermano..." Pablo started to speak but Pedri sushed him showing that you were sleeping on his chest.

"Take care of her hermano.." Pedri says sighing and leaving back to his room to get some rest as well and Pablo couldn't believe what he just heard kissing that top of your head glad this was all finally over.

[blackjackkent]

Ask prompt fill for @astreamofstars for this ask meme: The Deeper the Water Dialogue Prompts Minsc - "You can be mad at me as long as you need to be" In a throwback mood lately so here's some BG2 feels. c:

-----

Caden: This isn't real, is it? He couldn't be dead… Jaheira: Shut up! No more words! Words are nothing! Yoshimo: I knew him not, but I mourn for your loss. Jaheira: Stranger! Nobody! I will not hear your words! Leave me! Minsc: A brave man has fallen here, but that is no cause to hurl insults at the living. Here, Boo shall comfort you. Jaheira: Imbecile! Affront to nature! What do you and your rodent know? What can you know? No words! No more words! Save your speeches, save your proverbs! The only voice I wish to hear is… is dead! No more! No… No…

- Baldur’s Gate II

---

“So this is Amn, eh, Boo?” Minsc looks around at the richly painted walls of his room at the Mithrest Inn, his eyes bright with disdain and exhaustion. “Minsc does not think it very much to look at, in spite of all the shiny baubles upon the walls.”

He examines a piece of art set over the headboard of the bed, and then shakes his head. “No. You may paint and daub all you wish, Athkatla,” he growls. “But Minsc shall not forget that his arrival within your walls was bought with blood.”

The artwork does not respond. 

Minsc sighs. “Yes, yes, Boo. You are wise as always, to say this changes nothing. But if a berserker is without his wychlaran, what has he left but rage?”

He rests a hand inside his pocket, feeling the comforting nuzzle of the hamster’s head against his palm. “Well,” he amends, “rage and you, of course.”

He should sleep. Much lies ahead of them all, now that Imoen has been taken and Irenicus yet lives unpunished. But it is hard, so hard, to sleep in a room where Dynaheir's breath no longer sounds nearby - the distinctive hitch on the inhale, the occasional mumble of arcane words that meant nothing to him. He feels her absence like the phantom pain of a ripped-off limb.

He leaves the room, prowls the hallways of the inn like a tormented ghost. Caden has already gone to sleep, and the thief from Irenicus's dungeons as well, but Minsc is surprised to find, on reaching the tavern at the front of the building, that he is not the only one still awake. Jaheira sits in a dark corner of the nearly empty room, watching with hooded eyes as the innkeeper wipes down the bar. A large glass of ale sits in front of her, untouched, its foam long since subsided. 

She looks up warily at the sound of Minsc's heavy footfalls. “Do you come to bring me yet more platitudes, ranger?” 

Minsc says nothing for a moment. He still remembers her sharp, angry bark in the catacombs where they found Khalid, the pain in her voice that answered his own. “If to rage at Minsc again would bring you comfort, Jaheira, perhaps he may find some good words to offer,” he finally says slowly. “But he has spent all those that came easily, and what remains is little indeed.”

Jaheira looks away from him and fidgets with the base of her glass, absently rubbing a line through the condensation that has formed there. “I am sorry, Minsc,” she says. 

“There is no need--” 

“I think there is.” She looks up again, and there is a sudden fire in her eyes. “I am no fool, who cannot tell when her shots have gone wide of the mark and struck those not the target. If you grant me the luxury of misplaced anger, grant me also this apology.”

A pause. “Very well,” he says. He reaches out and places a hand on the back of the chair opposite her; when she doesn't object, he sits, his heavy bulk causing the wood to creak. He can feel the familiar scratch of Boo shifting position as his pocket flexes with the motion. 

Jaheira watches him, then nudges the glass in his direction. “If you desire flat ale, you are welcome to this,” she says, with muted irony. “I ordered it, but I find I have no taste for it.”

He can understand this. Oblivion, he has found, can sit at the bottom of a glass, but it is a tricky thing; sometimes in falling towards it, one can miss and land instead only in deeper sadness. He shakes his head. “I thank you. But no. Minsc would rather feel this thing that tears at his insides, because not to feel it would be worse.”

“Yes,” she agrees. A pause. “I am sorry about Dynaheir. Her loss is a tragedy.”

“It is. Minsc shall not see her like again.” He examines a knot in the wood of the table. “She thought well of Khalid,” he adds abruptly. “Many times Minsc heard her speak of his bravery and kindness both. And Dynaheir saw only what was true.”

Jaheira smiles shakily. “Khalid and I both found her a fine companion in turn,” she says softly. “She was as strong in wisdom and magic as any I have encountered. We-- I am the richer for having known her.”

“And the world the poorer for having lost her.” Minsc makes a valiant attempt to smile but the muscles of his face twitch with the effort. “Even now, I feel that I might turn my head and see her watching,” he mutters bitterly. “Minsc’s mind mocks him with wishing.”

Jaheira squeezes her eyes shut and rests her elbows on the table, leaning her forehead against the heels of her hands. “As does mine,” she murmurs. “We had no time to prepare ourselves for this blow. It struck without warning and tore our hearts out of us.” Her breath catches, as if someone has struck her in the stomach. “How shall we bear it?” she whispers, more to herself than aloud. 

Now Minsc does smile, utterly without humor, a savage expression showing all his teeth. “We shall sink our boots into the butt of he who took them from us, so deep that we shall kick out his guts.”

She snorts softly and lifts her head. “Wisely said, if indelicately,” she says. She breathes out heavily, her shoulders squaring, her fingers balling into fists. “We shall destroy Irenicus indeed, and if fate is kind I shall land the killing blow myself.”

Minsc's smile draws very tight; it gives his high forehead and cheekbones a distinctly skull-like aspect in the lowering torchlight. “If fate is kind,” he growls in answer, “you shall indeed, and Minsc shall break every one of his bones, that he might not run away from your blow. Nor shall he see it coming, for Boo shall chew out his eyes.” He brings down his fist on the table with a bang that makes Jaheira jump. “And so shall dear Dynaheir be avenged, and Khalid as well.”

“Yes…” Jaheira murmurs, and for a moment there is a glint in her eyes that reminds him all too clearly of the tiger she is capable of becoming. “Silvanus lay the path, and Mielikki guide our hunt.”

[letters-from-dekarios]

My dear Gale,

I write to you in hopes of finding comfort in your words. If I have never told you before, our conversations have always been a quick way for me to cheer up in the most dire of situations. Now while we are apart, I hope writing to you will have the same effect.

I cherish you dearly. I am afraid to put a name to my feelings because I have been burned once by my heart already. I loved someone - a beautiful companionship that brought light into my life for several years but I was terrified of not being enough. That I might mess up and ruin everything. That all the sweet words I heard every day could be lies to just soothe my anxious and insecure heart. In my fear of losing my love, I unintentionally drove my love away, left alone to now deal with my own broken heart.

And just shortly after that, I found myself recovering from a crashed mind flayer nautiloid and meeting you. In awe of you. Inspired by you. Adoring you. Cherishing you. I never thought I would be capable of feeling such emotions again but my heart betrays my mind, and I find that familiar fear creeping up on me once more.

I am suffering from nightmares - memories of my past. Memories of being loved. Memories of being left alone. While when we were close together I could simply wave them off by having our conversations I cherished so dearly, now while we are apart I am haunted by them once again.

I am terrified to feel again. I am terrified of even writing this letter, but it has been slowly and silently consuming my waking thoughts and I long to hear from you again. Hoping your words could soothe me. Hoping I could experience some semblance of normalcy again.

I do apologize that this is how I confess my emerging feelings for you. If I were more myself - before loss, before tadpoles, before demons - I might have done this better but alas this is all I can do as I am now.

I anxiously but eagerly await your response,

Stelle

Beloved Stelle,

It’s with the most honor and respect I give my thanks to you for your compliments. I know my words can be full of themselves, and oftentimes run-on sentences get the best of me. But, alas, I do try to bring some joy with my speech and it pleases me to know I can accomplish that with you.

Trust not in your fears, I know exactly what you mean and I understand. You well know of my own folly with my Goddess and the pain it caused me. It leaves a horrid taste in your mouth that is not quickly washed away. Only through time does the feeling dissipate, and you can enjoy other things once more. All of us have been through a considerable amount, especially you. It’s only right to attempt to hide the things that scare you in this day and age when those apprehensions can easily be turned against you.

Believe me when I say that I would have your confession no other way. While the anxieties of our pasts may bring us to a low, they also make us who we are. No one wants to relive trauma, but it shapes us and forms us into the magnificent creatures we are now. It’s only through lived experiences do we understand ourselves and grow. You are no exception to that.

I know what it’s like to be hurt in such a way by someone you trusted. I know the aching feeling you find in the pit of your heart. I know the nightmarish horrors that attack when you’re most vulnerable, like thieves in the night attempting to steal your peace. What you experience is no stranger to me.

I would be foolish to underestimate my feelings for you, as new and as exciting as they are. I want to do right by you, even with the emerging threats around us. I can’t say I haven’t adored you either, or been inspired by your strong faith in the face of our perilous journey. Time and time again you have proven to be strong, wise, and honestly quite convincing. I don’t know how you do it, but I’d like to.

You’ve no reason to apologize. I should be the one apologizing for not being the first to admit feelings. Perhaps that would make you feel less awkward if you knew I shared them all the same.

I am more than thrilled to know your regard for me is more than a surface-level distinction of my general attributes. I’d love to explore these feelings with you, if you’ll have me. And if you’d join me tonight, I’d like to show you something within the Weave that may make my feelings seem clearer to you.

With all my love,

𝑮𝒂𝒍𝒆 𝑫𝒆𝒌𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒔

text reads: gale dekarios

[mellarked-katnisseverdeen]

Last of my Hunger Games reread thoughts! Lets Gooo!

I have a whole other level of love and appreisation for any of these little times Katniss says she does something with Peeta for herself. Like, knowing what's coming it feels like gold. All the way through to the end of the book.

Katniss and Peeta have been a shocklingly amazing team from the first moments on the train but here, as they are wrapping up thier days in the arena it shows that fact off. They work so well in tandem. They have skills, know one anothers skills and work with that together and I love it.

The presious moment of calm between Katniss and Peeta. DAWW.

Collins and her narrative build up skill? Like when we see all the tributes going the more you realize just how very real the show down with Cato is gonna be. It feels like this showoff was set up from the beginning...cause shock! It was and Collins has been planning to pay it off.

I rememberd how human the dog mutts were, but not to what extent. They were planning, coordinating and even seemingly speaking at some points. It's horrific.

Cato's death is also horrific. Like he suffered for a whole night, just being eaten almost alive. As cruel as he's been Collins puts his humanity in your face in his speech holding Peeta and how the mutts attacking him is desribed.

SO this arch of Katniss sort of...realizeing who the enemy is comes together with the moment of mercy for Cato. She doesn't want him dead, despite haveing those thoughts the whole time. But she sees he is a boy, lied to and hurt by the Capitol just like her and she ends his suffering because that vengence is gone. That seeing him as an enemy is gone. And thats slowly been revealed to her since Rues death. The Capitol Is the one causeing all of this, not even the better off tributes like the Careers.

Another thing I didn't recall was just how COLD the gamemakers made this last night. Katniss and Peeta are shareing body heat and are still cold stiff.

Changing the rules a second time could not have been a worse choice. It almost invites an act like the berries. It shows how much they NEED a single victor. That they need things the way they want it and are willing to bend for it.

So the berries. I think it's so significant that Katniss says she's never really leave the arena if Peeta dies, and that she'll alway be here trying to find her way out. The implications of this level of greif is NOT a small one. Katniss is saying she'd die here with him, even if her body lived should Peeta die. And honestly that makes the stunt with the berries

Peeta and Katniss's conversation before the berries was actually painful. They love one another so much I can't-

Katniss being unable to leave Peeta and thinking he dies is also hits like a train. Collins doesn't run out of ways to express fear, loss and greif. It is just as in your face every time. Mind you, this is before Katniss is told she needs to convince anyone of their love, and after they made it out of the arena. There is NO acting here, no fakeness. This panic at watching Peeta possibly be lost to her is 100% genuine.

Love how Katniss almost speeds us through the end of the game interviews and recap stuff...she is just as uninterested in it as me quite frankly. Instead focusing on trying to play things as safely as she can.

And the most painful part. The reveal to Peeta of Katniss's uncerteinly. Katniss is walking this line of confusion. Wanting and careing for Peeta but being unsure where the line is between that and what the Capitol wants is. But the last words of the book being her missing and dreading letting him go.

[autisticlee]

any other autistic/adhd/dissociative/disabled-in-general person forced to do thjngs that you know you shouldn't do because huge safety issue or can't do it correctly or causes severe pain and do it so poorly it affects your health or safety or life in very negative ways? but you have no choice but to out yourself in danger?

for example, I always see posts like "other people complain they were forced to do a thing but they can still do it so that means they cant complain since i literally cant do it at all" basically. no sympathy for people forced to do dangerous and unsafe and painful and scary things! sounds very dismissive! I see driving as one example a lot. others say they simply cannot because *list of reasons*. but what if you were forced even though you have still those reasons?

another common one is making food for yourself. "I'll be very malnutritioned if i'm forced to" what if you are forced to make your own food and live off bare minimun so ARE malnutritioned and just have to accept health issues that come with it? sometimes see people can't go places alone because it's dangerous. what if you had to anyway and just have to deal with people harassing you and trying to kidnap you and can't ask or scream for help and no one takes you seriously when you tell the stories if you're lucky to get away? or can't do a thing because it's painful. imagine accepting the pain without treatment and giving up on living a good life. or cant get a job but forced to work a job with family who makes you stay even when job tears your body apart and makes you very depressed because you hate it but have bills and parents wont pay for everything and dismiss your struggles and force you to be "adult" alone.

anyone else forced to do these things they know they can't and just have to suffer consequences of it alone? I never see posts like this. saw a couple posts by people who don't do these things and dismiss people struggling and being forced to do them because they decided it means we "can" so arent allowed to complain because it "dismisses/talks over people like them who cant" but that's doing the same thing! right???? dismissing other people by claiming they talk over and dismiss you is still dismissive. there can be multiple voices at once! is not a competition!

often see posts talking about "I can't be forced because I cant do it" but people recognize that and help them in life. i'm glad they have help! don't see as many posts about how hard it is to be forced when you know you can't and should not but still have to. because!!!!! just because you are forced to do a thing doesn't mean you ~actually can do it~ or should be. you can be forced into danger every time and have very bad things happen. no choice but to accept the bad things and deal with them. and that can be super scary and frustrating and stressful!!!!! not fair if we can't talk about that!!!!

for food, of my mom doesn't make something j can eat, I have to make my own. cannot cook. can't follow directions. cooking is sensory overwhelming. can't stand in place for long. for some reason makes me really dizzy and pain and stuff. so go sit down and get distracted and ruin food every time. lose appetite after cooking and can't eat it. so now only eat cereal and protein bars and microwave meals. very not healthy. probably ads to health issues. am malnutritioned. can't get everything needed. but have no choice because mom won't cook extra meals.

going places alone? tried for last 15 years to make friends to go places with. family hardly ever does things with me. can't make friends. have to go places alone. can't advocate for self. have speech loss every time I leave the house (most days can't say words in general. talking very hard. have very bad intermittent/selective mutism/speech issues. most days can't say words at all. sometimes can recite scripts but usually can't even do that) so can't ask for help. physically can't yell, just unable. talk very quiet when saying any words so no one hears/understands or people misunderstand and either not get whst wanted/needed it people get angry.

somehow bad people attracted to me and always single me out. homeless people always sprint over to me from idk where. ignore everyone else. always jumpscared by them because look at ground or phone when walking. they follow and [[[tw ahead]]] make gross sexual comments and describe things they will do to me. some threaten to kill me and describe in detail how. had one follow for an hour and not leave. had creepy white van parked against my car with back door and saw no one inside and I still got in my car quickly. van suddenly turned on and drove away so someone WAS in it. and didn't realize until I got home how dangerous thst was. had many people follow me at night. had one person grab me and not let go and try to drag me away. dissociated so bad have no memory of how I even got away....autistic brain so sensory overloaded it blocks everything out. dissociates. cannot be aware of my surroundings to spot danger. just incapable! but no one takes me seriously when try to talk about it!!!!

driving? yes I drive. should I be allowed? absolutely not. I know I should not. but don't have a choice, so do dangerous things, hoping people around me can avoid when I do wrong things and pay more attention.

was forced to learn. took 4 years to get license and barely passed the last time. was 1 point away from failure. but live in rural-ish area where everything is far away. is 35-45 minutes to doctors for example. parents womt drive me. they work. don't have friends or other help. was forced to try college (or face being kicked out of home if I didn't try. was 35 minute drive so had to drive self. failed out after a year) and etc. did not want to. fought and argued and cried and melted down begging to not but was punished and threatened. didnt want kicked out in streets alone. is always my dads threat when I don't do what he wants.

so tried my best. drive slow and cautiously as possible. takes at lest 10 minutes longer to get anywhere. brain often dissociate while driving and don't even know how I got there. don't remember the drive. when not dissociating i notice many wrongs. very adhd brain always distracts me. drive off side of road often looking at things. go through red lights all the time and forget to stop at stop signs. accidentally change lanes without noticing I even chnaged. accidentally run people off road/out of their lane all the time.....and etc.

autistic brain always very overwhelmed. too many rules to remember. never remember them and di it wrong. always breaking rules accidentally. too much sensory stuff. too much happening. very! slow! reaction! time! almost hit others many times. have hit things. hit a car once but for some reason they kept going and didn't stop????? guess they didnt care??? idk. confusion!!! but somehow nothing severe yet...have to rely on others to out maneuver my bad driving. brain gets mixed signals a lot. will see break lights ahead way down street and think oh stop. so stop on middle of road for no reason when no one stopped directly in front and light is green or opposite will see light green and ignore break lights in front and almost slam into car. have almost run over many people because don't notice them and they run away in time then scream and are mad. always get lost even with GPS. struggle to understand GPS. go wrong way. drive up one ways wrong way. drive where there's no road, over curbs, through grass, confusing myself and everyone around. cant see at night barely especially when raining so is always extra scary and more broken rules...and many other reasons driving is bad and unsafe for me.

so am forced. have no choice. but KNOW I shouldn't. am danger to myself and everyone around me. I KNOW that but no one believes or cares because no one wants to drive me anywhere and says im lazy. doesn't understand my struggle and how dangerous. when people make me drive them they yell and freak out entire time making it harder!!!! try to avoid driving as much as possible. only haven't gotten in major accidents so far because i live in more rural area and not city so less people/cars. try super hard to concentrate and go slower than supposed to and let other people avoid my bad driving usually. concentrating makes me fall asleep so another bad thing. always fall asleep while driving. because too stressed so brain tries shutting down. if not falling asleep then dissociating.

know I shoukd not be on road because it's dangerous for me and others. but have no choice. so will keep being danger until something very bad happens and have "valid excuse" to not drive......no one listens to my concerns so need to drive to not miss appointments and stuff anyway. sighs.

where is sympathy for people like me? why is it always "can drive vs can't drive" why there never anyway who can't drive but still has to??? just because you do a thing you were forced to doesn't mean you should!!!!!!!!!! and doesn't mean you *can* if you always do it wrong and it's super dangerous!!!! "can" meaning allowed is different from "can" meaning able. you can be allowed to do a thing you're unable to do, so that means you do the thing, but very poorly and unsafe and wrong.

do you know how scary and frustrating it is?! how stressful?! I feel so sick every time I have to drive. catch so many mistakes and probably not catch all. people mad and beep horn constantly. makes me drive worse every time!!!! ban horns! hurts my ears!!!! go around! disabled driver trying their best. stop making it worse and harder! 😭😭😭😭 just pretend it's a video game

I know someone might read and think i'm saying "I can do it so you can" NO OPPOSITE I know you can't do it. but doesn't mean I "can" and should! I also should not. but don't like when people say "I literally can't so stop complaining you're forced/have no choice so have to do it anyway. I don't have choice either and dont. that means you can do it so stop complaining" and stuff like that. glad you weren't forced and threatened to be kicked out of home if you dont pass and can get others to drove you when you need. sometimes desperate times means you do dangerous things you can't. imagine of you actually have to do it anyway and just have to accept you will break rules and hurt yourself and others. it's scary!!!!! and not fair!! dont want you to suffer that. but not fair I can't complain about it! not fair I cant say "I can't do this bit am forced anyway" when clearly I should not be allowed a license!!!! or operate vehicles!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 sometimes intrusive thoughts tell me crash car on purpose so lisence is taken and don't have to drive anymore. but then will be isolated in house and never go to appointments ever again and family will punish me and cant escape them because can't leave. don't want that on anyone and sorry to everyone who experiences that! trying my best to avoid that though...

this isn't to everyone who is disabled/autistic and can't drive or do other stuff. just dont think people will understand and will think i'm attacking when i'm not. Just talking about personal experience and hoping others relate and hoping to not be dismissed again. higher needs people cannot. I know! Just trying to see if anyone else understands!!!! i'm probably medium needs? need help but pass enough to never get any and always have to put self in danger and sruff. but some lower needs make posts they cannot drive and didnt even try fkr example. just afraid because they know they can't. (again not saying they can and should try. good for them keeping that boundary!) but they have choice not to because have people to drive them or have public transport i dont have. understandable. is scary. glad you don't have to and stay safe.

but sometimes feels like they dismiss my struggles and say they think just because I do it means I *can* and they would never. but that "can" is being forced to break laws and rules and causing accidents and being very dangerous to everyone and myself!!!! but having no choice but to do the bad dangerous things anyway because the alternative can be worse. that's the problem. 😭😭😭😭 where are posts about this? anyone understand and have same experiences? or sympathy for people like me that doesnt feel dismissive? 😭😭😭😭😭😭

"I can't do it. I know bad thing will happen. so i dont" VS "I can't do it. I know bad thing will happen. but i'm forced to make bad thing happen anyway" are 2 ideas that can both exist!

[boynamedroxy]

Part 2 How I Got On @ Viva Skin Clinic.

So I Arrived In Plenty Of Time With 30 Minutes To Spare, Registered With The Receptionist Who Gave Me A Really Funny Look When I Opened My Mouth To Speak. She Also Didn't Appear To Approve How I Was Dressed Either, But I'm Well Use To This Now And I Have A Very Thick Skin. I Wanted To Say 'I'm A Prostitute Dear Hence My Cock Sucking Lips' But I Resisted That Cos Of The Mother And Daughter Sitting Close By. So I Joined Them And Sat 3 Seats Away Where I Wouldn't Be Centre Of Attention.

Finally The Consultant Called Me And I Sat In Her Small Room Opposite Her At Her Desk, She, She Being Doctor Neffer Pallico Also Looked Confused By My Looks And Voice, She Said To Me So I Can See You Want A Reducer On Your Lips, Which Were Much Bigger Than What She Has Ever Seen Before. I Said Well Actually No I've Had A Real Change Of Mind And Now I ( Not Me Nut My My Masters Punishment Of Me) Want To Go Bigger Next Size Up. She Looked Horrified At This Thought And Then Said This Is Something We Are Unable To Carry Out Because Your Lips Are Much Bigger Than Our 4mm Limit. She Then Went On To Ask Who Carried Your Lip Filler ( Not The Actual Words She Used) And Where Did This Take Place. Well After 5 Minutes After Getting The Details Of The Doctors Name From My Master, Doctor Pallico Went On To Look Him Up And The Practice, To Find No Results. I Said He's Now Retired And Carried Out Many Lip Filling Injections On Many Patients. Dr Pallico Said He Is Not Registered Here Or Name Unknown In The UK. So Cut Long Story Short Viva Clinic Is Not Able To Carry Out The Work Of Making My Lips Bigger Because Of The Reasons Below.

Copied From The Leaflets She Gave Me And Alot Of This Is What I Suffered

Disproportionate Lips: Lips May Appear Disproportionate To Other Facial Features.  TRUE

Loss Of Natural Definition: The Cupid's Bow Or Other Natural Lip Definition May Be Lost.  TRUE

Puffiness: Lips May Appear Puffy Or Swollen, Even Without Recent Injections.  VERY TRUE

Difficulty Moving Lips: Lips May Be Difficult To Move, Which Can Affect Speech Or Smiling.  AGAIN TRUE

Altered Sensations: Lips May Feel Numb Or Tingly. 

Asymmetry: Lips May Appear Uneven Or Asymmetrical, With One Side Appearing Larger Or Protruding More Than The Other.  EARLY DAYS YES

Lumps Or Bumps: Poorly Injected Filler May Clump Together, Causing Lumps Or Nodules To Form Under The Skin.  YES

Duck-Like Appearance: Overfilling Can Result In An Unnatural, "Duck-Like" Appearance.  MOST DEFINITELY

Lack Of A Defined Border: The Border Of The Lip May Lack A Crisp Perimeter Between The Lip Edge And Above Or Below The Lip Norder.  100% RIGHT

Prolonged Swelling: Lips May Appear Swollen For a Prolonged Period Of Time.  YES VERY TRUE, ALTHOUGH SETTLED NOW

So Where Does This Leave Me Now, Master Bradley Will Not Be At All Happy On Hearing This News. I Rung Him To Tell Him Of The Bad News With Disapointment In His Voice, He Said OK You've Done Everything Asked And Not Your Fault You Find They Are Unable To Undertake The Work. So He Said OK Leave This With Me I've Got Contacts Who May Help With Getting The Work Done. Come Home And Call Me Once You Get Home Or Call In To Mine.

3 Hours Later I Arrive Home At Masters Hoping He Had No News, But Low And Behold He Does, I Said To Myself For Fuck Sake Who Now. He Said Gotta Guy Whose Mobile Who Can Carry Out The Work On Your Lips Next Friday, Work Will Take Place At Mine And Your To Pay Him £250.00 On Carrying Out The Work. I Said Is He Registered Then, For Which He Replied, What Do You Think. Then I Said Was The Other So Called Doctor Who Carried Out My Current Lips Registered. He Just Grinned.

He Said Not To Worry He Does This And Other Minor cosmetics For A Living And Should Know What He's Doing. Just Remember Slapper This Is Your Punishment For Last Week And Will Be A Constant Reminder When You See Yourself In The Mirror To Never Ever Ignore Or Go Against Decisions I Put To You. Let's Just Say I'm Hoping For A More Prominent Look From You Now. And With That I Left. Unfortunately No Clients For Me Either Tonight At The Whorehouse To Pay For The Work So Probably Be Street Walking, Which I Did Do But Got No Luck. Just Abuse.

All The Above Happened But I've Had To Paraphrase Alot Of It Cos I Can't Remember Word For Word, But Now You've Got My Story, And Yes Next Friday @ 18.45 I Think My Lips Are Going To Be Bigger, Which Won't Help With My Speech Or Eating And Drinking Which I Struggle With Now Still.

[chaosoftheages]

Vita Carnis: Real Things I Said, Part 2

Link:

Key: Dialogue from the video is in italics.

*The last 30 seconds of The Mimic*

"What the fuck is going o-OH GOD" *gagging sounds*

My friend: WHAT THE-

*ad break*

"OH THANK FUCK IT'S OVER-"

The Harvesters

"This can't get worse."

"ok that's not so bad...why am I saying that it's probably gonna get worse."

"I'm sorry 6 feet?"

"WOAH WOAH THE TENDRILS CAN REACH ALMOST 500 FEET-"

"of course it's deadly-wait what?"

"Why does it look like it's from a Doom game?"

*Glaring at the Winnie The Pooh movie playing for my sister* Do you mind I'm giving myself nightmares for the next 5 decades?!

My friend: Those look like balls-

Me: Dude what the fuc-

"I'm sorry that thing has PARALYSIS ABILITIES?!"

"The prey will immediately collapse"

"OH HELL NO-"

My friend: Cause of death: blood loss.

Me: Dude.

"That shit be drinking blood. What is it, a vampire?"

"WELCOME TO THE UNDERGROUND-"

My friend: *humming the Stranger Things theme song*

"Causing very prominent plant growth-"

"Why does this sound like it's gonna get worse."

"-Attracting more animals."

"Yup. It got worse. I called it."

"Oh thank God the bunnies are saved."

"So the bunnies lure the foxes and shiz...oop-"

"SPECTACULAR?!? BITCH IT'S NOTHING BUT DEADLY-"

"Oh God it's coming for us-"

"OH GOD THERE'S NO CURE FUUUUUUU-"

"Oh yes, it's good for the ecosystem BITCH THAT SHIT IS GONNA WIPE OUT THE HUMAN RACE-

"DO NOT PANIC-BITCH THAT THING IS GONNA BE THE NEXT LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH OF COURSE IMMA PANIC!!!!"

"Yeah no I ain't sacrificing my computer to a fucking creature with a bulb that looks like someone's balls-"

My friend: Be naked.

Me: Sacrifice your balls if your gonna go naked.

My friend: No-

"The Host? Oh for fucks sakes-"

The Host

*Munches Oreos* This is a bad idea but I've done worse. Moving on-

"Semi-human organism BITCH THE FUCK-"

"Welp the planet ain't safe anymore Imma just move to another fucking planet OH WAIT THERE'S FUCKING ALIENS UP THERE FOR FUCKS SAKES-That's it I'm moving to Antarctica they can't get me there."

"Muscular tissue what-nows?"

"Yeah that's a monster from like...Silent Hill or Resident Evil or Dead by Daylight. I'm out."

"Oh so it basically can cause another worldwide pandemic. Okay!"

"Wait wait wait NORTH AMERICA?!!? OH FOR FUCKING FUCKS SAKES-"

"HAH SEE I CALLED IT WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC 2.0 BECAUSE OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS-"

"Tf these bitches gonna do to my brain-"

"How do restlessness and sluggish movements end up on the same list of symptoms????"

"Impaired speech? Trembles??? Heh???? Elaborate."

"Ehjebe-CONTACT POISON CONTROL?!?!?!?!?!?"

*Gagging sounds*

"Oh for fucks sakes- why can't the symptoms just kill me? I'd rather die from a fuckin migraine than expose my fucking intenstines to THAT-"

"Tell me that bitch did not just take my heart and leave my dead body and blood behind THE HARVESTERS HAD THE AUDACITY TO TAKE MY BLOOD WITH IT-"

"How the fuck do you treat all of that in 36 hours-oh wait NVM. Let it just...be in another country so I can board a plane and never see it again because I ain't reaching that shit in 36 hours."

"I'm sorry, unroot?"

"The mono-what?"

The Monoliths

"Why the fuck did you just give me a laundry detergent ad."

"Where the fuck did that guy's arms go?"

"June of 1972 holy shit. Where?"

"OWWWWWWWWW MY EARDRUMS YOU BITCH-"

"Oh thank God there's only seven-"

"The Mono-Cult."

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKES IF I HEAR THAT DAMN SOUND ONE MORE TIME-"

"Titanic-sized? Is it the length of the titanic...wait wasn't that thing like 800 feet-OH HELL NO"

"Oh. 120 meters. Wait how much is tha-393 FEET?!?!?!??"

*Staring at the photo on screen*

"Are those it's feet?"

"Ehejebe holy shi-"

"Meaty what-now."

"Hardened W H A T."

"Illuminati: Upside Down Edition."

"This bitch is the new SCP 096 with those long ass...whatever's."

"What the monoliths do is simply stand and do nothing."

"Ex-fucking-cuse me?"

"O GOD THE SOUND IS BACK-"

"AGAIN SERIOUSLY?!?!? WE NEED THIS SHIT-"

"So the only information I have so far is it's only sighting was in June 1972, it's almost 400 feet tall, the seven existing Monoliths stand in a circular motion and play "Cult", and it stands there and doesn't do shit. That's it. All other information has left to meet Navy."

"Navy ik your a bitch but can I have that info please-"

"Ehejebe-"

"They dispatched the military?! THE MILITARY LOST?! HOW THE FU-"

"Woah woah woah DID THE ROCKETS WIN?!?!?!?"

"What's with the noises???"

"O shi-"

"Wait wait WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?!?"

"That low-key looked like that one Siren Head TikTok video I saw like 3 years ago."

"Oh. I don't think the rockets won."

The captions: Restricted to wall.

"Ok I can't take this damn video seriously with these fucking captions."

"Now only a grand spectacle of awe and mystery."

"A grand what of what and mystery?"

"Meat what nows."

"The last creature on this list is what? I need to know!!!! NAVY COME BACK HERE WITH MY INFO-"

"Thank you! Jesus Christ...The Singularity? Oh God what is this?"

The Singularity

"I'm about to turn into Melvin Sneedly from that one episode of Captain Underpants where he was just like "THE SINGULARITY!" for a horror story."

"I CAN'T READ JACK SHIT WHAT THE FUCK-"

"The Singularity is estimated to be about...1 meter in diameter? That thing is 3 feet? PFFFFFF-"

"Serveral unique qualities that are not well understood? From the picture it looks like a black orb in the sky."

"OHHHH THAT'S WHAT THE MONOLITHS ARE SURROUNDING-"

"So The Singularity is basically a floating ball and the singular...fuck, anyways...the singular time the Monoliths got aggressive was because of The Singularity. Interesting."

*Watching the Storybook video in confusion*

"...What the fuck did I just watch."

[luverofralts]

Arkhelios Adventures

“Theodosius. Ulysses. Bellamy.”

This was the third time that his father had repeated Theo's name and then just fallen silent. Abe was at a loss for words, but an entire speech hovered on Roman's lips unspoken. He was fighting the urge to scream those built up words, but Theo could see in his eyes that Roman was losing that battle.

"I didn't do anything wrong," Theo insisted, angrily folding his arms in defiance of his parents. "Face it, I didn't break any rules and you know it." 

"You. Rules. Didn't?" Roman spat out, unable to comprehend how those same words had come from his son. This was enough to break the dam in his head, letting his fury erupt. "You can't seriously believe this, Theo. We didn't raise you to be this stupid and self involved. You betrayed your grandmother's trust by taking a girl upstairs alone and planned to have sex in her hot tub? How is this not registering in your head as something wrong?"

"I wasn't planning on having sex in the hot tub, I just said that I could," Theo pouted. "Grandma said that-"

"Stop talking!" Abe interrupted, giving Roman a worried look. "You're going to give your father a stroke at this point. Your grandmother shouldn't have said what she did, but that was only out of concern. She didn't give you permission to betray her trust and use her house as a brothel. You were wrong and will be writing her a thorough apology for your actions. You'll also be writing one to the King of Strangetown for nearly causing a dangerous scandal with his granddaughter and another apology to Aunt Wanda for potentially ruining her important event. I don't know where you're getting this entitlement and attitude, but it stops now. Understood?"

"What were you thinking?" Roman demanded, cutting his son off before he could reply. "Are you sexually active? With how many people? Does your school know? Were you careful? Tell me you were careful!"

"Roman, give him a minute to answer," Abe said soothingly. "This doesn't have to be an interrogation. We can have a civil conversation here and-"

"What do you care? You're never careful. You just do what you want," Theo interrupted coldly. 

"What?"

Father and son glared at each other, that distinct Bellamy glower mirrored in both of their faces.

"You caused an international incident," Theo accused, his expression one of pure rage. "You could have caused a war and you never had to apologize to anyone. All I did was kiss a girl who likes me and I'm not married! You kiss all kinds of girls and Dad just stays with you because no one else wants him because he cheated on you! There's old newspapers and blogs about you and Dad cheating with each other when you were married to Adrian too! I'm not an idiot, I know how to use Google. I know you fucked Aunt Ulyssa and I can do basic math, but we never talk about your problems, just mine! I have a sister that we aren't allowed to even mention, you don't ever get to lecture me about a girl. You're all cheaters and sluts and I hate you!"

Theo stormed off, not even caring about the punishment he was sure to receive. His heart was beating wildly, but he didn't regret his words. If anything, they needed to be shouted a long time before this, but he'd never had the nerve. His parents had no right to talk to him like that, not with their pasts anyway. Maybe he could go live with Evren and Adrian for the few weekends he had to leave school. Adrian was always nice to him and gave him sympathetic looks whenever his parents started in on a lecture. He didn't want to live with his parents anymore, that was clear enough. Grandma Elaine was a giant bitch who didn't actually like Theo, just his little sister Saturnia. He had no idea of how his parents had ever tolerated living with her. Short of moving into the zombie containment area, Theo was out of grandparents to turn to. 

Theo went through his mental list of acceptable adults to turn to in this situation, only to realize how short it was. Adrian would only take his dads' side in the end, and his godmother, Ulyssa, was a complicated choice after she slept with his dad. Theo hadn't even really seen her since the scandal, though she still sent him a gift each birthday and Winterfest. Staying with her would mean facing the affair and the little sister he'd never met. He wasn't sure he was ready to do that.

Theo didn't really know the extended Bellamy family and Uncle Nathan gave Theo the creeps. There was always something unsettling about him that Theo could never quite place. If he needed help, there was only one person left who he could appeal to: Aunt Lucy.

A curious meow interrupted Theo's planning. Too had noticed that he was near the kitchen and was begging for a treat.

"Hey, you can have a treat," he said, rubbing his familiar's soft ears. "I need your help with a spell though after."

"I've lost my son," Roman mumbled, trying to wipe away tears before they rolled down his cheek and betrayed his feelings. "He hates me. I'm just trying to be there for him and look out for him and he hates me."

"The kids tell us they hate us every time we send them to bed early or say they can't have cake for dinner," Abe pointed out, rubbing his spouse's shoulder gently. "How many times have we told our parents that we hated them? Theo doesn't mean it, he's just angry."

"I have told my parents that I hated them and I meant it," Roman sobbed, unable to fight the tears any longer. "I did hate them. Maybe I still do."

"Well, we're not actually abandoning our son, or trying to kill him or his unborn child. I don't think you can exactly make a fair comparison to your parents." 

"How are we messing this up so badly? We're the youngest parents in his school; we should still know how to reach teenagers. We should know how to talk to him about sex and romance and dating! How have we failed this much?"

"Hey, we're doing our best and our son is perfectly fine. He's just hormonal and angsty and trying to figure out who he is. Ironman said that Theo barely understood what he was saying and that he was just trying to sound tough to an authority figure. That Medora girl seems to have a good head on her shoulders and things probably wouldn't have escalated if my mother hadn't made a colossal mistake with the condoms. I think we're doing just fine with the kids. Things like this just happen sometimes. It's part of growing up, don't you remember?"

"I remember all too well," Roman groaned. "I don't want him to make the same mistakes I did at his age. I want him to feel like he can trust me and talk to me, but all I can see is my reflection in him. I'm just so scared, all the time. And Ulyssa. God, I wish I knew what to do about her. I always figured that we'd talk to him about what happened, but it never seemed like the right time."

Roman buried his head in his hands with frustration.

"It sounds like some of those articles Alex wrote have hung around the internet too," Abe pointed out, trying to remember what libel had been printed years ago. "I assume that he's seen the, ah, pictures."

Both men froze, thinking about their son googling the sex scandal pictures that Alex had posted when Theo was still a toddler. The very same ones that accused Roman of cheating on and possibly murdering his first husband to be with Abe.

"He hates me," Roman concluded with another long groan. "I'm a sex obsessed gold digger with an wandering eye to our son. Probably to all the kids. The affair with Ulyssa only confirmed it. I'm just as terrible a parent as my dad was. How am I supposed to get through to him?"

"He doesn't hate you," Abe said soothingly. "I don't hate you and I was the one you cheated on."

"I hated you when you cheated on me in college. I thought my life was over. I'm pretty sure I'd be in a much darker place now if I didn't have Lucy or your mom to support me. I wished you were dead."

Abe rolled his eyes, enveloping his spouse in a hug.

"No you didn't," he replied. "We were still connected then. I felt what you felt. You didn't wish I was dead, just like I don't wish you were dead now. We'll talk to the kids, at least the ones old enough to understand. They can ask Adrian themselves about your divorce and how we weren't having an affair, if they even care about it. I doubt they really want to hear about their parents' love life in any detail. Theo's just mad and lashing out and we're easy targets. This whole thing has been blown way out of proportion from what it really was: Theo testing his boundaries and learning about his developing sexuality. We'll laugh about this in a decade when we all barely even remember it. Trust me."

"I wish things were easy like they were when it was just my mother trying to kill us," Roman sighed, rubbing his weary eyes. "Theo was on our side then and not this raging, hormonal mess who is probably going to try to run away from home again because of this. I bet him and this Medora girl are going to try to run away like we planned to when we were kids. Lucy's spell won't be strong enough to summon him and I'll spend the rest of my life wondering if our son is dead in a gutter somewhere."

"Now, Ro, you're spiralling," Abe said, grabbing his spouse's hand to comfort him. "Theo's not going to run away again and even if he did, he's a lot better at taking care of himself than when he was six. And besides, Lucy would find a way to find him if he did. We're okay. Theo's just learning about himself and his boundaries. Did you look at that parenting book I left on your dresser? Every teen goes through this. In two years, it will be the twins' turn and we'll be prepared. We got this."

Roman nodded, still looking unconvinced. He would spend the rest of his life feeling guilty about his affair, but Abe had a point. It was only natural that the kids would have questions and feelings about it and ignoring that it happened was only going to hurt them more. All of Abe's affairs had been while Theo was still an infant and toddler, so he likely didn't remember much about how Roman dealt with them. He had had a front seat to his father and godmother's affair though and naturally been hurt. Ulyssa had been a mother figure for so much of his young life and then she was just suddenly gone, ignoring his calls to preserve her marriage and family.

“Okay, I’ll trust you if you think we got this,” Roman promised, pulling his husband close for a reassuring kiss. “I couldn’t imagine doing this without you.”

[residentdormouse]

hi! this is a sign to talk about glen bateman. tell me about your headcanons, or explain your favorite scenes, or just gush about how great he is! whatever you have to say, i want to hear it. :)

Open Floor to talk about Glen?

Are you sure about that?

Eh, doesn’t matter. Too Late. No take backs; already off…

Going to have to do Headcanons. Favorite scene? All of them. Gushing? Would never end and would drift off into incoherent screeching. This is me controlling myself...

So going off of the 2020 version, because let’s face it, that’s the one that hooked me, (Goddamn it, Kinnear, I blame you…) Glen sees a future image of Fran in his dream. He doesn’t know who this is. It means nothing to him. Hell, Mother Abagail was just ‘some lady from a commercial’; no reason this woman would be any different. Figment of his imagination. His mind working around a (family) life he had opted out of long ago.

(Kids? Hard pass.)

But then Stu comes, and everything hits. Mother Abagail. Fran. Just what this means.

He is somehow doing impossible things. Things he would have discredited only a month prior. He wasn’t lying when he was giving his speech to Harold; he was (is) a man of science. He believed what could be seen. What could be proven. He married a physicist for fucks sake. “Hard science.” Maybe this stuff could exist, but he sure as shit wasn’t taking it on blind faith. Give him something, or get the hell out of here.

(And it’s dream prophesies with the steel chair…)

So now for things that aren’t explicitly stated. Headcanon.

In light of this revelation, Glen would be left to wonder what else could have been ‘more’. Mother Abagail was the “most vivid dream” he ever had, but Fran’s must have been pretty damn vivid to paint what he did. What else had he dreamt that had a deeper meaning? Places? Events? Maybe it was an image leading him to a paint spot that put him on the path to run into Stu? Or a trip out that would have brought Kojak to him? Potentially even before that…

I imagine he had quite a few nights on the road lost in thought over this. Because, that’s what Glen does, thinks. Comes up with theories.

It is very probable that he’s seen a few things he naturally passed up as coincidence. The world ending up like this, society causing its own downfall, that didn’t surprise him. Pretty sure, he knew something like this would happen. But was that from his studies of humanity, or because he already had vague notions in his head of this outcome.

(Both? I don't know...)

With no proof, a dream of destruction like this would have just been a nightmare. With knowledge now, it could have been preparation. Along those lines, did he know his wife would pass early? So much loss, did it subconsciously affect his decision about kids? About his future path? Maybe not, but maybe…

And its possible this wasn’t all just in the past either. In this version, Glen recommends sending Tom as a spy, because he thinks he could do it. But Glen’s interaction with Tom - limited, at best. I’m sure there’s moments that wouldn’t have been screen worthy, there’s been a fair passage of time here, but nominations were coming from groups in. Fran’s group had Dayna. Larry had Judge Farris. Tom was with Nick. Why was Glen the one to bring it up? I think he might have seen something that led him to feel more confident in this recommendation. I think he had a feeling, somewhere in the back of his mind, that Tom would make it out.

(Even though he desperately wanted somebody to say anybody else.)

I don’t know, this could be completely off base, but these are things I think about. Repeatedly. Because this damn character will not leave my mind. And hey, worse things to think about, am I right?

Glen Bateman > Real Life Bullshit.

Sign me up for the Glen show, all day every day.