#like they were literally like ‘bro the way you’re writing is incorrect’

[evansbby]

yo 😂😂😂

[touyasdoll]

Like a Sister

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x best friend's little sister!reader

! Disclaimer ! NO INCEST. NO STEPCEST. absolutely nothing against those who write/read that, but this isn't that and I just wanna make that clear <3

Word count: 5k

Warnings: reader is Kiri's adoptive younger sister. I always try to make everything as inclusive as possible, so pls let me know (politely!) if I failed somewhere. fem reader, alcohol, intentionally making someone jealous, reader is wearing a skirt & a charm bracelet, reader gets picked up, missionary/intimate sex, no real prep, lots of feelings involved

Notes: I'm so sorry that this took literally over a year, but I hope that you enjoy it <3

Heartbeats & Handgrenades Masterlist

Your big brother is always looking out for you. You two have been close for as far back as you can remember and he’s always been very protective of you, because the absolute worst thing that he can think of is seeing you get hurt, so he does whatever he can to prevent that. 

It’s sweet, of course, and you love him for it. Eijirou is the best sibling that anyone could ask for. It’s nice having someone who cares enough to look out for you the way that he does. 

However. 

The problem is that he does so damn good of a job trying to look out for you that he ends up scaring off most of the guys you’re interested in. 

It started back in your school days. You’re only a year younger than your adoptive big bro, so you almost always attended the same school. But the moment that he put two and two together and realized that boys had taken an interest in you? It was like his protection skills leveled up. It was as if he had developed a sixth sense for when a cute boy was talking to you. He was always just around somehow. 

It went beyond your time in school though. It’s now become a sizable problem for you well into your adulthood. The same routine over and over again. The guy you’re talking to finds out that you’re the Red Riot’s little sister and suddenly they’re ghosting you for fear of ending up on his bad side. They’ve seen what he’s capable of. Well, physically capable of. In actuality, you don’t think that anyone who did cross you would get more than maybe a stern talking to from the “fearsome” hero. You can’t really blame them though. Most people don’t look at the rock hard hero and think of him as the teddy bear that you know him to be. 

The worst part is that doesn’t even realize that he’s essentially a chronic cockblock and you haven’t ever had the heart to tell him. Not that you think you want to. It is a bit of an awkward conversation to broach with your elder brother. How are you supposed to tell him that him being terrifyingly good at his job is what’s causing all your dick appointments to cancel on you? Especially when he thinks that you’re still such a sweet girl too. Such an innocent girl. Thankfully, he is incorrect there. His brawn doesn’t scare away absolutely everyone that you’re interested in. You’ve had plenty of practice by ways of shallow dating app hookups and bad decisions made after one too many at the bar. But it’s not like you’ve ever brought anyone home to meet the family, so he’s none the wiser to your ways. 

You’ve never so much as mentioned anyone you were seeing to your brother, which is fine by him. In his humble opinion, no one’s good enough for you anyway, which is something that he has expressed multiple times; it’s not a secret that’s what he thinks. He’s more than prepared to see you as his pure, innocent little sister forever.

Bakugou though? He has a lot more trouble picturing you as innocent.

He’s spent too many nights fisting his cock to the thought of your tight pussy wrapped around him. He’s imagined the taste of you on his tongue one too many times to see you as the virginal sweetheart that his best friend believes that you are.

He hates himself for it too. Hates that he always ends up here, furiously stroking himself while suffocating the sound of your name on his lips into his pillow, lest his roommate—your brother—hear him. Hates it. 

Because as much as he lusts after you, he loves you more. He's had to insist to Mina, who can see through his ruse and has called him out of it before, that he loves you like a sister, but in truth, he loves every little thing about you far beyond that. The sound of your laugh, listening to you talk about your interests, even the face that you make when something’s bothering you. He knows it immediately, because all he does when you’re around is watch you. He wants to know what upsets you, so that he can avoid it, so that he can fix it. So that he can make you happy, because that’s all that he’s ever wanted for you. Happiness. 

He couldn't tell you when it started, this little crush of his. As far as he can recall, he's always been drawn to you. You, who would always tag along with the rest of the gang back when you were all in high school. Who never seemed put off by his abrasive personality, even though it was certainly much worse back then. Who, even still today, always offers him a smile and makes his day just a bit brighter with only your presence.

He also couldn't tell you how he felt. First, he had no idea if you felt the same. He liked to think that he was fairly emotionally intelligent, good at reading cues and all that, but when it came to you, he was clueless. And he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to take the rejection. 

Little did he know that you were trying to make it obvious. Your innocent schoolgirl crush had turned into something that ran much deeper than that after so many years of knowing Bakugou. Much like your brother, you immediately saw past his tough exterior and came to realize that he's actually one of the most caring and thoughtful people that you've ever met. He's always looking out for others, and you’ve noticed that you are no exception.

He saw you out on a date once, which was the point. You went to his usual coffee shop with some guy, because you knew that he would be there after his shift for an afternoon pick-me-up. You had hoped that it would make him jealous. That maybe you could get a sense for whether or not he harbored the same feelings that you did. Whether or not he had the same recurrent  thoughts about the feeling of his skin on yours. You just wanted to know; you wanted an inkling of something to prove that maybe he was just as interested as you. 

He did seem irritated beyond that typical gruff facade of his, but he also seemed genuine when he pulled you aside and told you that your date wasn't worth your time. Of course, he'd been right too. Not too long after Bakugou had scooped up his order and bolted, the idiot in question started visibly ogling other patrons in the cafe.

He was always right. About everything. It would honestly be annoying if he wasn't so good at giving advice. You knew that you could always go to him with even the silliest of problems and he'd offer you an attentive ear and a few words of wisdom that you never would've considered on your own. He had a knack for solving your every dilemma. 

Which gives you a wicked idea. 

He's always helped you out before. So why can't he help you with this little problem that you're having now?

Feeling a stroke of genius, you hatch a plan to send Bakugou signals that he can't miss.

You check the time on your phone. 2:16 PM. Your brother still has plenty of time left during his patrol shift and Katsuki is most likely at the apartment all by himself. 

///

Half an hour later, you’re rapping your knuckles against the apartment door and before you can even drop your hand back to your side, the door’s swinging open. 

Bakugou stands before you in gray sweatpants and a loose muscle tank that may have been a sleeved shirt at one point, but now it’s been cut nearly all the way to the hem on both sides. His face twists in confusion as he looks down at you.

“Didn’t your brother tell you he was workin’ today? He won’t be home for another couple hours.”

“I know,” you say simply, shrugging and clasping your hands behind your back as you stroll inside the apartment. “I came to see you.”

“Me?” He asks, sounding slightly incredulous, though he covers it by clearing his throat. “Why? Ya need somethin’?”

“Yeah, actually. Do you have a minute?” 

You go ahead and slip your shoes off by the door before making yourself comfortable on the couch, fanning out your short skirt, so that it drapes across your thigh just right when you cross your legs. 

“I’ve always got time for you.” 

He shrugs, sauntering over to take a seat on the opposite side of the couch. He angles his body to face you as he sprawls out, his muscular arm laying over the back of the couch, fingers almost near enough to touch your shoulder. 

“What’s goin’ on?”

It’s hard to focus on his question when you can see so much of his bare chest beneath his altered tank top, but his voice pulls your eyes to his face and your brain, thankfully, catches up. 

“I’ve just been having some boy troubles,” you admit, a soft pout pursing your lips together. You don’t miss the glance that he steals at them. 

“Well, that’s your problem,” he scoffs. “Stop dating boys and trying dating a man for a change. Boys are just gonna break your heart. A real man’ll treat ya right.”

“By a real man, do you mean someone like.. you?” 

You ask so blatantly that it makes his head spin. He doesn’t even register your hand on his knee until a full two seconds later; he’s too busy trying to process whether or not you actually said what he thinks you said. He looks down and you swear you can sense the nervous energy radiating off of him as he lifts his hand to rest it atop your own. He doesn’t want you to stop touching him, but he’s already picturing folding you in half right there on the couch and he respects his best friend too much to ever do something like that to his sister. Or at least, that’s what he keeps telling himself.

“Someone like me, yeah,” he says as he starts to push your hand away, but he can’t bring himself to actually do it. 

He presses his hand down on top of yours and finds the nerve to meet your gaze, which he immediately recognizes as a mistake. That little smile on your lips. The sense of longing that he’s almost certain he can see in your eyes. They’re both dwindling his resolve down to nothing. 

“Well, why not you?” You shrug, daring to slip your hand up to his thigh. “Why can’t I have you, Katsuki?”

He can’t believe how simple you’re making it sound. As if you two could be together just like that? What would Kirishima think? What would he do? He’s at a loss for words. He can think of reasons to say no, but all that he wants to say is yes. 

“Out of every man that I’ve ever met, you’ve always treated me the best,” you say as you look down at your hands, placing your other one on top of his. “You’re always here for me when I need you. You look out for me. You actually seem to care about how I’m doing. You even pay attention to the little things like how I take my coffee or even when I wear a different perfume. Why shouldn’t I be with a guy who does all of that?”

His heart is pounding in his chest. He’s never actually felt his pulse move quite this fast and considering his line of work, that’s saying something. He opens his mouth, trying to find a way to refuse you, but he can’t. He just can’t. 

“You should,” he starts, brows knitting together with regret. “You absolutely should and you shouldn’t settle for anything less, but I don’t.. I don’t know if..”

His lips press together in a hard line. He can’t even say the words. You tilt your head and the disappointed look on your face just about kills him right there. 

“It’s okay, I understand. I thought that..” you trail off, looking down as you start to pull your hands away. “I’m sorry. I must’ve been misreading things.”

“No,” he says quickly, sandwiching both of your hands between his own as you lift your head to meet his eyes once more and he finds relief in the hope that he finds there. “No, that’s not it. I,” he sighs. “You didn’t misread anything. I like you. Goddamn, do I fucking like you..”

HIs ruby eyes search your face, a melancholy smile just barely turning up the corners of his mouth. You hold your breath, trying to prepare yourself for the inevitable ‘but’ that you feel coming. 

“But I don’t know if I could do that to your brother.”

Your shoulders slump and your face falls too, eyes averting to focus on a spot on the floor as you nod your head. You would try to mask your disappointment, but you can’t seem to. Even in this scenario, being Red Riot’s little sister hinders your romantic prospects. 

“I was hoping that because it’s you it wouldn’t be an issue,” you say quietly, retracting your hands as you stand up. “I’m really sorry for bothering you with this. Just don’t even tell him that I was here, please. I’ll get out of your hair before I embarrass myself further.”

You turn to leave and he flies to his feet, reaching out to take your hand and spin you around to face him. His impressively large form looms over you, sizing you up with a genuinely curious expression. 

“What do you mean by that? Because it’s me?”

“I don’t know.” You shrug, looking up at him with those doe eyes again. “I just figured that if ever there was a guy that he thought he could trust would treat me right, it’d be you. He respects you more than anyone else he knows. He’s known you forever. He even still looks up to you. If you don’t meet the standard in his eyes then.. I don’t know that anyone ever will.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that. He just stares down at you with knit brows and a scowl on his lips, rendered both pensive and frustrated by just how much sense it makes. He can’t deny that. But he also can’t ignore the seemingly infinite amount of times that Kirishima had warned every single member of their friend group growing up that you were strictly off limits. 

Then again. You’re an adult. He’s an adult. And he’s always thought that his friend was a bit too overbearing when it came to your dating life. He gets where he’s coming from; he doesn’t want you dating an asshole, but they’re on the same page there. And this is different. Right? What you’re saying makes sense. He’d never hurt you. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did. Kirishima would understand this logic, wouldn’t he?

He hoped so.

You’re waiting for him to say something. Do something. Anything. Finally, he seems to snap out of his thoughts and he tugs on your hand, pulling you closer to slip his arm around your waist as his hand leaves yours to cup your cheek. He kisses you the way that he’s wanted to for so, so long and it feels too right to seem like the wrong decision. 

It happens so fast that you’re caught off guard. It takes a moment for it to register that this is actually happening, but when you realize, you kiss him back with just as much passion. All that tension is broken, shattered to pieces to leave nothing but a sense of all encompassing need in its place. You press your hands to his chest, fingers tightening around the fabric of his tank to tug impatiently. You’d both waited long enough. You’d both waited long enough for this and it was becoming evident just how little patience the both of you had left by the way that you’re hands are greedily exploring each other’s bodies. 

“Are you sure about this?” He manages to mutter between feverish kisses as his hands start to skim beneath your top. “Because I don’t think I’ll survive it if you end up changin’ your mind on me, princess.”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” you reply without hesitation, reaching down to pull your top off completely before you reach back to unhook your bra. 

You lean in to kiss him again, but he pulls back to take in the sight of you. He’s dreamed about this moment for too long, but it’s clear now that his imagination hasn't been able to do you justice. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he says so sincerely that it makes you stop for a moment as your cheeks grow warm. 

You lean in again to grab the hem of his shirt, giving him a chaste kiss before you lift it over his head and toss it aside. Your fingertips explore the shape of his abs, traveling up and over his chest until your hands are pressed behind his neck to pull him in once more. 

“So are you,” you murmur against his lips, capturing them again to slip your tongue into his mouth. 

His large hands find the small of your back before they dip lower to cup your ass. He flips up your skirt and groans when he feels the warmth of your bare skin, massaging your cheeks with a firm but gentle touch. His confidence seems to be growing as quickly as his erection has. You think to yourself that he must not have anything beneath his sweats with the way that you can feel his cock prodding at you.

He helps you shed the rest of your clothing, tugging your panties off along with your skirt before he lifts his arms to let you lift his tank and toss it aside. He’s thoroughly worked up and ready to go, but nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of your palm against his throbbing member. His breath hitches and the noise he makes almost sounds pained. All he can think about is having you wrapped around him. He nearly forgets to breathe as he bucks his hips into your touch. A whine even slips from his lips.

“You really don’t know what you do to me,” he murmurs, eyes closed and hands greedy as they knead the fat of your ass again. 

“I think I have an idea,” you reply, wearing a playful smile as you cut to the chase and tug his sweats down to wrap your hand around his fully exposed and swollen cock. 

He suddenly stoops down to grab you behind your thighs, effortlessly lifting you up onto his waist as he silences you with a commanding kiss. He steps out of the sweats now pooled around his ankles and carts you off to the bedroom. 

Your arms are wound tight around his neck and neither one of you seems to want to come up for air. Even when he lays you down, he keeps his lips moving against yours. You part your legs and his fingertips skim along the outside of your thigh as his hips start to roll. He can’t even pretend that he’s in control of them as his tip begins to press against your slit, begging to part your lips and slip right inside of you. 

“Do it,” you beg, the plea hardly a whisper as you continue crashing your lips into his. “Please, Katsuki. I’m ready, I promise. Just fuck me already.”

You shift your hips forward and, as much as he wants to take his time with you, he can’t help himself when you manage to nudge the head of his cock inside of you. He immediately gets lost in the warm, wet, and welcoming sensation of your walls. You apparently weren’t kidding when you said you were ready. He drags his hips back and then allows himself to be sucked in as he slowly sinks himself inside. 

The both of you let out a sigh of mutual relief and he pushes himself up, placing his hands on either side of your body to stare down at your perfect face. He gives another roll of his hips and struggles to keep his own eyes open, so that he can watch the way yours fall shut and how your face twists as the pleasure courses through your body. He thinks to himself that it has to be one of the best things that he’s ever been blessed enough to see and he knows that he needs more. He needs to make you feel better than anyone else ever has. 

So that’s what he does. 

His lips connect with every inch of your skin as he languidly thrusts in and out, allowing you to fully cherish every glorious sensation. The feeling of him stretching you out so slowly, filling you up as his hips gently connect with your own. The loving kisses peppered all the way from your temple to the valley of your breasts. The soft yet sinful sounds of him losing himself within you, his hot breath tickling the shell of your ear as he sinks inside yet again and realizes he never wants to pull out. 

You return his gentle touches in kind. Your hands blindly travel along his body, exploring his back, chest, and biceps at a leisurely pace, eager to offer him as many wonderful sensations as he’s lavishing you with until you feel a tightening deep within your belly that inspires you to clutch tight to his back, nails imprinting half moons into his flesh as your legs tighten around his hips. 

Without a word, he knows what you need and he gives it to you. 

He readjusts, propping himself up further to allow himself more leverage, which he uses to his full advantage as he starts drilling into you, steadily increasing his pace with each thrust of his hips. He tosses his head back, letting out a guttural groan and the odd curse word as his movements become more sloppy, but in the best way. 

The both of you become completely tangled up with one another, a mesh of two bodies become one as you move in tandem, trading fervent kisses and wanton moans back and forth until your overcome by pleasure. 

Your hands find the fabric of his comforter, now mussed atop his once neatly made bed, and you hold fast to it as your spine bows. Everything is rigid and all too much for a brief second before euphoria explodes throughout your every nerve ending, sending you into a glorious spiral. You call his name again and again in your bliss, too far gone to find any other words. They’ve lost all meaning. You beckon him closer with each utterance and every maddening pulse of your walls around him. He hardly has time to appreciate your orgasm for all it’s worth before his own hits him like a freight train. 

“F-fuck!” He growls, overwhelmed by the force with which he cums.

He doesn’t even have the sense to think about pulling out, much less the time to do it before he’s pouring every last drop of his seed deep inside your cunt. He hangs his head, enveloping you in his arms as he buries his face in the crook of your neck, smothering it in kisses as he pants and groans through his release. 

Eventually, you both slow to a halt, but you don’t disconnect right away. You exchange more tender touches and gentle nuzzles back and forth, content to maintain your proximity while your blood slowly begins to cool and the thrumming in your chests starts to dissipate, though both of you are pleased to find it never goes away completely. Not like it ever had before when you were around one another, but now that both of you know how the other feels, it’s different. It’s better. 

Everything is better. 

He opens his mouth to speak, to finally breathe life into those three little words that have died on his tongue countless times throughout the years in his cowardice, but the sound of the lock on the front door clicking open has them perishing yet again. 

He freezes, realizing that there’s likely no way out of this now. You’re just as petrified, holding stock still until you hear the door swing open and both of you spring into action. Bakugou clambers off of you to snatch a pair of boxers from his drawer, hopping into them as he swings his bedroom door shut while you scramble beneath the covers to at least protect your modesty. Thankfully, your brother isn’t able to take a peek inside the room. You just hope that he doesn’t recognize your clothing piled beside the coffee table.

“Shit, I guess I should’ve told you I was comin’ home early. Sorry, bro,” Kirishima laughs as his heavy boots can be heard venturing into the living room. “I’m gonna go take a shower. Pretend like I’m not here.”

You breathe a sigh of relief, but it's minimal. You know you have to go and go fast. 

“I’ll get your clothes,” Bakugou says quietly, listening at the door for the click of Kirishima’s. 

You nod and sit up in the bed, waiting for him to return and hand you your outfit before you slip out from beneath the covers to dress. He does the same, stepping into the same sweats and tank top that you’d torn off of him earlier. 

“M’sorry about this,” he mutters, nodding towards the door. 

You shake your head, walking closer to wrap your arms around his middle as you tilt your head back and smile at him. His arms fold around you to pull you snug to his chest. You rest a hand on his cheek and pull him into a kiss that’s as sweet and deliberate as he had been with you and he’s grateful for it. He’d been half afraid that you’d scurry away and pretend as if this hadn’t even happened.

“Don’t be. We’ll figure out how to tell him together, okay? I just don’t want it to be this way.”

“Right. I don’t either. We’ll figure it out,” he repeats, his lips turning up in a smile that softens as he studies your features. “We’re gonna have to, because I love you.”

His admission renders you speechless, your eyes widening as heat creeps up the back of your neck. The pulse of your heart starts thumping in your own ears again, hammering throughout your every blood vessel as you will yourself to snap out of it. 

“I love you too,” you blurt out unceremoniously, though you know you mean those three little words and the smile on his face says that he knows it too. 

“I’m not working tonight. I can come by in a little bit?” He suggests, hopeful that you’ll agree and how could you not?

“I’ll make us dinner,” you confirm, smiling ear to ear as you lean in to kiss him once again.

He tightens his hold on you, finding it more and more difficult to let you go the longer that he has you in his arms, but reluctantly, the two of you soon part and he knows that you have to leave. 

He pokes his head out to ensure that the coast is clear before he guides you out of the room and you hurry out the door, turning to blow a kiss over your shoulder before you head down the hall, giddy as you’ve ever been. 

Bakugou tidies up his room, mulling over an excuse to offer his best friend until he and Kirishima both end up in the kitchen together. 

“Seems like you’ve had a pretty good afternoon, huh?” Eijirou grins and bumps him on the shoulder before he ducks into the fridge for a beer. “Who’s the girl? Anyone I know?”

“Nah, just some girl from the gym. Don’t think you’ve seen her around.”

He feels terrible lying, but he figures it’s for the best, just for the time being. He’ll come clean eventually. No harm, no foul, right?

“Well, good for you, man. It’s good to see you puttin’ yourself out there. I was gettin’ a little worried about you being chronically single,” he jokes, chuckling as he travels into the living room to get comfortable on the couch and flip on the tv. 

“Ha, yeah.” He nods, though he’s unable to even look his friend in the face as he snatches his water bottle and heads for the door. “I’m actually going over to her place for dinner, so I’ll probably be back later, but don’t wait up, okay?”

“Okay. Have fun, man,” Kirishima calls back, smiling genuinely as he waves him out the door. 

That is, until he notices the small charm on the floor in front of him. He leans forward to pick it up and isn’t difficult for him to put two and two together. The clothes he’d spotted earlier had seemed familiar, but he didn’t think much of it. This, he couldn’t dispute. He knows this charm, because he had gifted it to you just last week as an addition to the bracelet that always adorned your wrist. And, as far as he knew, you hadn’t been over to their place since last month, yet here the charm was. 

He doesn’t know what hurts more, that two of his best friends felt like they had to sneak around behind his back or that one of them had just lied to his face about it.

I know I didn’t have to end it this way. the impulsive thoughts won today and I’m sorry about it ajdhsh but thank you so much for reading!! 💕 take a forehead kiss on your way out *mwah*

[stormkobra-5]

Can i request the moon boys reacting to y/n getting angry at a sibling over a special interest I think it might be funny seeing the moon boys reacting to y/n who is usually nice and sweet just go ballistic

I kinda lost it at my brother today swore like a sailor over marvel icronicly 🤣

I keep requesting cause i love your writing so much 💖💖

Bro?!?! Buddy?!?! Are you me?!?! This literally happens to me all. The. TIME. I know exactly how you feel. I’m flattered you think my writing is that great, I don’t mind you sending in requests at all! uwu

Pairing: Moon Boys x gn!Reader

Fic Type: Blurb

Summary: You’re typically sweet as sugar, but when your sibling teases you a little too much about a special interest, you take a turn that’s extremely surprising to your boyfriends.

A/N: This takes place in an au where Moon Knight is not in the MCU, they’re real superheroes serving the real god of the moon and the MCU is a movie series. :p (I was gonna use Star Wars, but you mentioned Marvel, so I decided to use that if that’s okay.)

Note: [Y/S/N] = Your Sibling’s Name

Rating/Warnings: 14+, strong language, probably some incorrect MCU references, an AU that doesn’t make sense b u t *shrugs* this is fanfic, bewildered Moon Bois, gn!sibling so that it’s more reader-friendly (I didn’t want to just add brother or sister lmao), cussing, swearing, and name-calling to a sibling in a loving manner, a sibling teasing reader in a sibling way, reader using crappy insults because I’m not very creative lmao

Your sibling had come to visit you in Steven’s little flat, an unexpected surprise that neither of you were anticipating in the slightest. Unannounced completely. It wasn’t bad, it was just… Startling? Yes, startling is the correct term.

I mean, the flat was a mess. Your lazy weekend was indeed the laziest of weekends. That meant lots of cuddles and not so much actually getting up to put things in the trash can, or do the laundry, or do the dishes. It looked like the flat hadn’t been cleaned in months. I mean, what were they gonna say about you to the rest of the family?! That you and your boyfriend(s) were slobs?!

Marc and Jake immediately retreated into the headspace when Steven opened the door curiously to find your sibling standing there. “Oy?! Lads?! Where’d’you think you’re going?!” Steven’s desperate thoughts were met by Marc and Jake’s unadulterated terror.

“Ohoooo no, hombré,” Jake said, turning to hide in one of the back rooms of Steven’s mind-replicated flat. “I’m not ready to face that yet!”

“Besides, Steven,”Marc reasoned, slowly backing away, “You’re the nicest and most likable out of the three of us.”

And so that was how Steven alone was promptly smushed into a bone-crushing hug. “So you’re the boyfriend!” 

“U-uhm… Yes, I am?” Poor Steven voiced it like a question, glancing back over his shoulder to try and convey his fear to you as you approached with a lazy smile. 

“Yes, he’s my boyfriend,” You gently pried Steven out of the hug, patting his back a little so that he might be reminded to breathe. The poor guy looked like a deer in the headlights, waiting for what he thought was the inevitable disapproval of your family member. “Steven, this is Y/S/N. Y/S/N, this is Steven.”

“Nice to finally meet you,” Y/S/N shook Steven’s hand adamantly, whereas your boyfriend was a little more hesitant, a shy smile on his face. “Y/N’s told me a lot about you.”

“They have?” Steven seemed surprised. You wrapped your arms around one of his and leaned into his warmth.

“Don’t be so shocked, silly. Of course I talk about you.” To your sibling, you said with a jerk of your chin, “What’s up?”

“I was in the area for business,” Y/S/N replied, “Figured I’d swing through.”

“You have a hotel?” You inquired, pulling them further into your flat. Steven quietly shut the door behind you, ensuring that it was locked.

“Well, yeah, but it’s one of those old creepy ones like you see in scary movies.” At your frown, Steven perked up.

“Uh oh,” Marc thought, rushing into the headspace. “Don’t even think about it, Steven.”

“Amigo, if you do this, I swear to god, I will kick you in the crotch.”

“...Jake, we share a body.”

“And if he does this, we’ll be in pain already. Might as well make him suffer for it.”

“Why don’t you stay with us?” Steven offered, ignoring his alters. He saw your concern and wanted to get rid of it. You didn’t need to worry like that. He wanted to help, and the way your face lit up at the suggestion only made him more certain that this was the right thing to do– not to mention, your smile also shut his alters up for a second as they admired you.

Your sibling eagerly agreed, and while they went to collect their things from their hotel, you and Steven tidied up the apartment. You laughed and rambled on excitedly about having your sibling stay with you for a few days, and that night at dinner Steven grew more comfortable around them as they spoke, conversations touching on old family stories, amusing tales of childhood endeavors that ended in chaos, and nostalgic recollections of old places.

That is, until your sibling noticed your Marvel merchandise in the bedroom as you gave them a tour. 

Comics, movies, an action figure or two, you had a connection to the movie franchise that your boyfriends found endearing. You would have them watch the movies with you, telling them all the details that they hadn’t noticed or pointing out comic Easter Eggs and similarities. They were pretty sure you could recite Black Panther line-for-line just from memory alone, and for all it was worth, the boys tried their absolute hardest to keep up with all the information, although the MCU was notoriously confusing. 

“You’re still into Marvel, huh?” Your sibling joked.

“Um, yeah?” You gave them a look as if that was the dumbest question they could’ve asked.

Y/S/N just shrugged.

The boys thought nothing of it.

Y/S/N intended to stay for only three days, and on the first day, things went over smoothly. On the second, Steven overheard your sibling teasing you about your Marvel collection again. From where he sat with his book on Egyptian mythos, Steven lifted his head to listen to the exchange.

“Shut up, Y/S/N! Put that down!” You were sweet as always, your voice soft and tender.

“What, you mean your toys?”

“They’re not toys, they’re action figures.”

“Action figures. Action figures which you set on your five million Marvel comics. I’m surprised the floor doesn’t cave in.”

“Ugh, you’re impossible…”

“And you’re a geek.”

Still swapping playful banter, you and your sibling left the bedroom and went out for the day– but not before giving Steven a goodbye kiss. You pecked him a second time– “For Marc” – and a third – “For Jake” – before pulling away. 

You returned later in the evening, with no sign of Y/S/N. “Where’s Y/S/N?” Steven questioned, glancing toward the door as if he expected them to enter as he spoke.

“We split up,” You answered as you started up some popcorn in the microwave. “They’ll come back later. For now, though…” You wrapped your arms around his neck and gave him a kiss. “We’ve got the evening to ourselves.”

“Sounds lovely, darling,” Steven hummed, kissing your cheek. His arms wrapped around your waist, hugging you close. “Marc says it’s your turn for movie night.”

“I know!” You chirped excitedly as the corn kernels in the microwave started popping. Steven– and Marc and Jake, within the headspace– watched fondly as you zipped around him, headed for the tv remote. “I know exactly what we’re watching.”

“Age of Ultron?” Steven guessed, eliciting a scoff from you.

“No. We’re watching the first Avengers. The original.”

As you prepared the streaming site, Steven continued where you’d left off with the popcorn, getting out the designated gigantic bowl and your favorite drinks. It was then that your sibling walked through the door, all smiles and warm greetings until they seen what you were putting on the tv. “Ugh. Avengers again? Haven't you seen it a billion times already? Give it a break, will ya?”

Steven, Marc, and Jake watched as you put your hands together like you were praying, taking a deep breath. 

And then, you just…

It was like an atomic bomb went off or something. 

“Alright, listen up you fucking dingbat,” You said— you! Their sweet Y/N, cussing?! The boys stared with wide, surprised eyes as you kept going. “I don’t give a shit— nay, two shits— what the fuck you think about my interests, because that’s just what they are. My interests. Hear that? Lemme say it again for your brain cells in the back: my. Fucking. Interests. So that means whatever two-cents you care to drop are promptly shoved in the ‘who-gives-a-fuck’ bin, which is lower on the goddamn rung than the ‘i-don’t-give-a-shit’ barrel. You’re here as my guest you fucking skunk-wad, and while you’re here you can either shut your damn mouth and enjoy the damn movie I’m putting on for entertainment, or walk the fuck away and go on casually about your boring-ass evening in whatever way you choose. But it’s my turn for movie night, dammit, so we’re fucking watching Avengers. Unless you wanna go fucking prance around the flat, then be my guest. Otherwise, shut up, fuck off, peace out.”

With that, you plopped on the couch as if nothing had happened. “Steven, honey, you can bring the popcorn. Come sit down.”

Oh shit. 

Oh fuck.

Maldito infierno.

Steven very cautiously approached, feeling for all the world as if he were a soldier sneaking between two opposing lines of fire, still wide-eyed with shock. Did that just happen?! He was surprised when Y/S/N only nodded, as if impressed by your outburst. Steven sat beside you and braced for the worst, especially when your sibling sat down on his other side. You pushed play.

And simultaneously, you both grabbed a handful of popcorn.

What the bloody hell?

What the hell?

¿Qué carajo?

Then you both started excitedly making references and pointing out keys of the plot, as if you hadn’t snapped at your sibling. Oh, well. I guess we fight like that a lot, don’t we?

“Yeah, you’re right,”Marc shrugged within the headspace. “Though… I’ve gotta admit…”

“That was… Extremely sexy of them,” Jake added when Marc lost his words.

Steven didn’t vocalize it, but he didn’t need to. He was in full agreement. When your sibling left the next morning, Steven told you almost before the door had completely shut, “Y’know that was really bloody hot when you told them off, love.”

You laughed, leaning into his chest as he wrapped his arms around your waist. “You think so?”

“Yeah,” Steven admitted softly, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Jake and Marc think so, too.” You hummed, thoughtfully. Maybe even somewhat shyly. You’d hardly ever gotten more than frustrated, so your little sailor-swear outburst was unexpected, even for you. You were drawn out of your thoughts, a peal escaping from your throat as Steven tickled your sides a little to get your attention. “We’ve got ourselves a little spitfire, lads!”

And from then on, that’s what you were.

Their spitfire.

================================================

Thanks for reading! ^^ I hope you liked it!

[strxngerbxtches]

Rant Post 😝

ok i’m truly and seriously considering just deleting tik tok at this point.

i have a tendency to want to correct people when they’re like,,,confidently incorrect yknow?

so i saw a video of someone talking about stranger things fan red flags and almost all of them i was super on board with because the person was like,,,actually very right?

until we get to the lovely sweet ‘eddissy shippers are red flags that’s literally illegal she was 16 and he was 21 you’re creepy’

and i in my little dumb woman brain thinks oh!! they just don’t know their ages are actually closer together than that!! so i just shoot them a fairly nice comment that’s basically just like ‘hey! they’re actually more like 17 and 19? so like 2-2.5 years apart at the most! have a nice day!’

and the amount of people calling me, someone literally chrissy’s age, a fucking groomer and pedophile was disgusting. i understand that younger kids have little understanding of nuance and generally how things tend to transpire in the world outside the internet due to the whole pandemic thing, but since when are words like that totally okay to throw around? i’m usually on the side of stranger things tik tok where people are like really respectful of each other and i think it’s because it’s mostly older people and not young teens? but i literally wanted to cry reading some of the shit these kids were writing.

i’m just kinda sad that fandoms get so riled up over stuff as dumb as ship wars. i’ve seen a bunch of posts on here talking about how people tend to moralize their dislike of things and that definitely applies here. steddie and eddissy shippers can live in peace bro, eddie has two hands my god. let my boy be bisexual pls i need the rep as a bi bitch.

i feel like i should know by now not to stir the pot with tik tok because of how moralized EVERY single discussion ends up being? and just how personal things become? it’s becoming more of a hellsite than tumblr at this point which is truly an accomplishment.

also to steddie fans: y’all’s ship is valid! they would be cute together! and i really appreciate those of you that just ship ur ship in peace ur truly the best mwah u deserve the world.

i’m ONLY addressing steddie fans that go out of their way to bash eddissy, chrissy, or grace over a SHIP that is literally fictional.

i find eddissy comforting because i relate to chrissy a lot and eddie reminds me of my s/o to an almost scary degree they’re v similiar? so i really like the ship because i see my own relationship in it basically.

(on a lighter note if anyone has links to any eddissy best friends to lovers fics pls send them my way i beg)

anyway i’m a lil freaked out and stuff now so i’m gonna drink my water and sleep rant overr

[browneyedhimbo]

Bet

Pairing: Sam x fem!reader

Summary: The team decides to make a pool of when you and Sam get together, completely unknowing of the fact you already are. Both of you come up with a plan to tease the hell out of them.

Prompts: 3. “Apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together.” and 13. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”

Warnings: language, alcohol, sam trying 40’s talk, fluff

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: This is my entry for my bro Laura’s 200 writing challenge (@justmebeingtheweirdmeiam​) Congrats on reaching 200 bro!! You deserve that and more! Also beware possible grammar errors. Hope you enjoy!

Stark parties were, in your opinion, entertaining. It wasn’t the talking or the different stories you’d hear nor was it the music or drinking. It was because the guys would dress up with slacks and button ups and try to have a low key flex off. It was stupid yet highly amusing.

“Look at those idiots.” Natasha shook her head, making drinks behind the bar for you, her, and Wanda.

“Total goofs,” Wanda chuckled, turning around to see what they were doing now.

“Complete and utter fools.” You agreed, also turning to give them a glance. You sighed and shook your head as you saw Thor and Steve pointing in different directions trying to show off. Your eyes met a certain pair of soft chocolate brown ones, a small smile appeared on your lips and you turned your head back to face the bar, a shy blush slowly creeping up your cheeks.

“Hey,” you heard his soft voice call out next to you.

“Hey yourself,” you smiled looking up at him. 

“What’s a nice girl like you doin at a place like this?” He smiled bashfully, eyes dancing with excitement.

“Well, if you’d like to know, fella don up and left without another word. Gone without a single goodbye.” You faked a small frown, laughter bubbling inside you. 

“Oof doll I’m sorry. Where’s this fella at so I can give 'em a talkin' to?” His voice may have sounded stern but his face held pure amusement and joy. You couldn’t hold the act much longer.

“You know something bird brain,” you giggled, “You’re getting pretty good at that. Bucky must be a good teacher.” You winked at him causing him to roll his eyes playfully. You held each other’s gazes for what felt like forever, smiles toying on the ends of your lips. All of a sudden your favorite song comes on and your face lights up.

“Wanna dance?” Sam offered his hand to which you happily accepted. You took a sip of your drink before hopping off the stool and walking hand in hand to the dance floor with him, completely unaware of the goofy evil grins that rose upon Natasha and Wanda’s faces.

The moment your feet hit the dance floor, Sam had a strong grip on you, leading the dance. You didn’t mind, you’ve done it multiple times. Not that the team knew.

“Hey baby girl.” Sam whispered in your ear, goosebumps prickled your skin and a shiver ran down your spin. Another goofy smile appeared on your lips.

“Hey handsome,” you whispered back. No one knew of your secret relationship. You had started dating about a month ago after a mission. Sam almost got knocked out of the sky and it was then you realized your feelings for him were more than just platonic. The moment you got back you two talked about what happened and simultaneously admitted your feelings.

“Wanna hear somethin’ funny?” He had that gleeful smirk in place and it took everything in you to not kiss him right there. 

“Always,” you nodded as he led you into a spin.

“So I overheard Steve talking with Bucky in the bathroom,” you griminced a bit and Sam chuckled at your reaction. “It was something about dates and money. I heard our names being tossed around a couple times. I put two and two together and apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together.”

Your jaw dropped slightly, a scoff leaving your lips. You shook your head in disbelief, not wanting to believe that was true. But they would do something like that. The more you pondered over it the more it made you laugh. Especially since you were already dating.

“Well then,” you chuckled, shaking your head again. They were literal children.

“Right?” He laughed along with you. “I have an idea though.” His eyes were full of mischief and it had you drawing closer to him.

“What’s that?”

“Flirt extra hard, kiss, say we’ve been dating for a month, steal the winners money.”

“I like that plan,” you nodded slightly. Wicked smiles plastered to both your faces as you parted ways, waiting for the party to die out to be left alone with the team.

-------→

“No no, you’re wrong!” Sam said defensively, chuckling along with the others.

“No I’m not! Look here, bird for brain.” Tony said, getting closer to Sam. “DUM-E is better than Redwing. And those are facts.”

“Incorrect facts!” Sam pouted, crossing his arms.

“No they’re not! Take it from a genius.” Tony cocked his head to the side, pride and cockiness just oozing out with hints of alcohol. You shook your head from your position on the sofa, laughing at them.

“How many times have you argued about this already?” Natasha asked with a sigh, clearly done with this topic.

“A lot. And still counting,” Tony smiled, stuffing a hand in his pocket and picking up his drink. 

“Yea. I’m pretty sure it was simple to build it anyway.” Sam retorted, knowing it would irk the genius. 

“Oh really? That’s what you think?” Tony nodded solemnly, quirking an eyebrow. “Hey Y/N/N, penny for your thoughts?”

“Don’t bring me into this Stark.” You threatened. You looked to Sam and he gave you a slight wink.

“Yeah Tony, just let her be.” 

“Cause you couldn’t handle her right?” Tony laughed, quickly muttering ‘I’m jokings’ while grabbing Sam’s shoulders, bringing him into a half hug.

“Oh I’m sure I could,” Sam gave you a flirtatious wink and blew a kiss, to which you giggled and covered your face with your drink, hiding the blush that threatened to show.

“Sammy, you couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.” The guys oohed and the girls chuckled. You bit your bottom lip and winked back at Sam, causing him to smirk. 

“Wanna bet baby girl?” He strode to where you sat on the sofa, hands landing on either side of the headrest, arms encasing you. Gradually, he leans down and captures your lips with his in a slow sensual kiss. You part for air and lock eyes, feeling everyone gaze on the two of you. 

His breath fans your face as you’re still only a few inches apart. A small smile dances on his lips as he leans down for another kiss. Your hands travel to his neck, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. This time when you break, he catches your bottom lip between his teeth, a glint of heat and mischief shining in his eyes. He stands up fully and smooths down his grey button up, clearing his throat with a smirk. 

“What?” Tony voiced everyone’s reaction. They were slack jawed with their eyes blown wide. You and Sam shared a look, chuckling at how no one had expected that. 

“So who had today’s date?” You asked looking at everyone. They all had their brows creased, still trying to figure out how and why. 

“Uh, Bucky did. I think.” Steve said eyeing Sam. “Wait how did-”

“Pay up!” Bucky cheered, extending his hand out. Grumbles and protests soon filled the room as they started handing bills to the metal armed man. 

“Nu uh,” Sam shook his head. “Best give half to us.” Buck scoffed but when he saw Sam wasn’t playing he turned to you.

“I’m with Sammy on this one. If it weren’t for us you wouldn’t have that money anyways.” You crossed your arms, standing next to Sam. Bucky sighed, while counting half off to split. He sighed as he extended your share.

“Thank you,” you smiled as you grabbed the money. A scoff and chuckle could be heard and you looked up to see Natasha shaking her head.

“I don’t know how I missed it.” She chided to herself. “How long?” Your smile widened and you looked up at Sam to see him with the same look plastered on his face. Everyone else stared at the three of you in confusion.

“A month and three days tomorrow.” Sam said, intertwining your fingers. You leaned your head on his shoulder as the noise in the room escalated. ‘Unbelievables’ and ‘seriouslys’ were mumbled as well as congratulations. 

You smiled to yourself looking up at the man who held your heart. He looked down, a goofy grin on his face. Pressing a kiss to your temple, Sam played with your fingers. He could finally show you were his, and he was yours.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Permanent tags: @becausewhyknotme @disasterbuckley @imma-new-soul @justmebeingtheweirdmeiam @officialtonystarkprotectionsquad @theladyoffangorn @itsunclebucky @mushyjellybeans @damnyoudameron​ @agentpeggybarnes​ @fangirl-introvert @ninjabucky @cosmicbucky @yougottakeeponkeepinon @this-kitten-is-smitten

Sam Wilson tags: (don’t have one for him yet) (tagging who may be interested) @thorfanficwriter​ @sebbbystaaan​ @stuckonjbbarnes​

[sad-boy-hank]

nothing normal / tomfoolery incorrect quotes

im obsessed with these motherfuckers

@shyflameweasel

~~~~

Hank: NN! Reader, my old friend! NN! Reader: I think you tried to kill me at some point. Hank: That was obviously just my way of getting to know you.

~~~~

TF! Reader: So, are you two dating now? Hank & NN! Reader: Yes. TF! Reader: Why? Hank: I happen to find NN! Reader very appealing. TF! Reader: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with NN! Reader.

~~~~

Hank: Welcome to my room. As you can see, I've knocked over many chairs because I get so tilted at the towers. TF! Reader: Uh, this isn't really tilted. Or a tower. Hank: Well you see, it's a gamer pad. Not many girls come in here because I get friendzoned so frequently. But that's okay. TF! Reader: I'd like to be in the Friendzone! I like friends! Hank: It's not as pleasant as you think. They don't treat you like a friend. They treat you like an item. Sometimes I wish I could be more than just an accessory to these women; But unfortunately, as a gamer, I don't get respect. TF! Reader: I'm not a gamer! so maybe they'll respect me! Hank: That just makes you a beta cuck.

~~~~

Tricky: *Takes a sip of milk and gags* Tricky: Oh my god, is this expired? Tricky: *Takes another sip of milk*

~~~~

TF! Reader: I fell— Tricky: From heaven? TF! Reader: No, I literally fell— Tricky: In love with me the moment you saw me? TF! Reader: MY ARM IS BROKEN! Tricky: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

~~~~

Hank: I didn't drink that much last night. Donna: You were flirting with NN! Reader. Hank: So what? They're my partner. Donna: You asked if they were single. Donna: And then you cried when they said they weren't.

~~~~

Donna: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated. TF! Reader: Killed without hesitation.

~~~~

NN! Reader: I’m telling you, my team is competent. Toby, rushing in: NN! Reader! Tricky tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now it's broken!

~~~~

*out grocery shopping* NN! Reader: *takes a free sample twice* NN! Reader: Robbery and Fraud. I am a Rebel.

~~~~

Tricky: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with NN! Reader recently. Hank: No, Tricky, it's not what it looks like, I swear. Tricky: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous? Hank: No! You’re the only one for me. Tricky: Is that so? Hank: I promise! NN! Reader and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner. Tricky: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved? Hank: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more! Tricky: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right? Hank: Of course bro! Tricky: Bro... NN! Reader: What the-

~~~~

TF! Reader: Seriously, Tricky, how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to? Tricky: That’s not important TF! Reader: I DISAGREE.

~~~~

Hank, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

[contrabandhothead]

Bless your soul for giving us generation kill content, it is so few and far between on this site. A saint. An angel. You are a treasure

i- 🥺🥺🥺

this is so sweet omg i actually cried. thank you so much!!!! that’s literally so sweet of you, i don’t know how to thank you enough. you’re amazing, i’m so happy you gave my blog a chance 💕

this might not be helpful for you personally, but i figured i’d compile a small list of some of my favorite gen kill content creators just to spread the love...

@chlosevignys: makes pretty much all of the gen kill gifs... they’re great quality, 20302392/10 would recommend

@lovinmullen: makes some of the funniest gen kill memes i have ever seen i’m not even joking i’ve laughed for a solid few minutes on some of them. he also posts about the other 2 hbo war shows as well!

@kathikon: my go-to blog for incorrect gen kill quotes! they’re not overused ones i’ve seen in a million other fandoms as well, which is literally so hard to do. ALSO, HE RESPECTS MR. MIKE WYNN, AND I THINK THAT IS THE MOST ADMIRABLE THING EVER SO HE’S AUTOMATICALLY VALID. reblogs good stuff too. this blog is like crack to me

@momecat: a classic. one of the first people i ever started following for gen kill content. THE TEXT POST MEMES. he’s on a semi-hiatus right now, but the content is still immaculate.

@ackackh: made the iconic beginner’s guide to Gen Kill. you must read it.

@zim-zam-goddamn: HI THEY HAVE SOME OF THE BEST, IF NOT THE BEST GENERATION KILL FANFICTION THERE’S LOTS OF NATE FICK (WHO IS MY HUSBAND I LOVE HIM) SO GO FOLLOW THEM BECAUSE HOLY SHIT I LOVE THE CONTENT SO MUCH-

@beinfinite: MORE generation kill incorrect quotes (what’s not to love???)

@order-of-river-phoenix: super sweet, reblogs all the cool shit, AND writes gen kill fanfics. did i mention how nice they are??? actually read the book.

@lavenderhunni: made this one meme about finding pappy in the background and i haven’t gotten over it— she also makes fantastic memes in general and her blog has more than just gen kill

@biggaybrad: do... do i need to explain this one??? LOOK AT THE @ BRO THANK ME LATER

@yeahcurrahee: has gen kill fics coming on the way and i’m super excited for them!!! makes text post memes, talked about starting an HBO war discord, HAS OPEN REQUESTS, AND DESERVES MORE ATTENTION!!!!

@punkgeekchic: has super duper cool gen kill heart memes and i saved a few. they’re super high quality!!! they also have BoB on their account and a ton of other gen kill stuff

@blenalela: does some fantastic headcanons, has iconic memes, and i’ve found a lot of cool stuff they’ve reblogged

@softlieb: simps over Mr. Nathaniel Fick and that automatically makes someone valid. end of story. literally some of the best memes i’ve ever seen, too relatable. stans liebgott for clear skin <3

@lovingunderratedcharacters: literally the reason i started writing gen kill fanfiction. wrote the first gen kill fanfiction i ever read. just fantastic quality overall, please check them out!

these were only a few i could remember off the top of my head, but they all have amazing content!!! please check them out, all of them are extremely underrated and deserve more love.

[ranboounlabeled]

Incorrect Quotes

So I had the bright idea one day to make incorrect quotes based on a DnD campaign and the players. Why not post them here? If any of them find this and request this to be deleted, I won’t mind. Blu - DM, any other character you don’t see listed here Tuck - Alzora Autumn/Me - Aria Maria - Yeet Bard - Tad Whipple - Niyana ~ Aria at 3AM: Alzora wake up Alzora, annoyed: What is it? Aria: If butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans/mobians in their stomach? Alzora: The rest of Team Supernova: Niyana: aria what the fuck Yeet: No no, wait. She has a point. Yeet: What if they’re mobian butterflies? Snipe: What if they just feel really tiny butterflies in their stomachs? Niyana: That’s morbid. ~ Aria: is pink panther a lion Alzora: say that again but slower Aria: i don't get it? Alzora: he's the pink PANTHER Aria: okay? but is he a lion? Alzora: Aria. he's a panther Aria: is that a kind of lion??? Alzora: no it's a fucking panther Aria: I just googled it. Are they not pink?  Alzora: AND LIONS ARE??? ~ Yeet: *gets shot* Shit. Alzora: Language! ~ Niyana: Is 4 alot? Aria/Alzora: Depends on the context. Aria/Alzora: Money? No. Aria/Alzora: Murders? Yes. ~ Yeet: Just a reminder that I'm non-binary so if you've got a crush on me, u gay bro ~

Alzora: if one of you says that stupid thing again I will not hesitate to give you frost bite Aria: aw that's so sad alexa play despacito Alzora: starting with you Alt idea from our DM (context, Alzora is an ice dragon and I compare her to Elsa alot): Aria: thats so sad, alexa play Let it Go. Alzora: you will die in 3 days ~ Niyana: THE FLOOR IS LAVA Yeet: *helps Snipe onto a chair* Alzora: *throws Aria off the table* revenge Niyana: There are two types of people ~ Alzora: If anyone says ‘mood’ ‘same’ or 'me’ in response to something I say ever again, I will throw you out the nearest window Yeet: Mood Aria: Same Niyana: Me Alzora calling tad: hello? Tad can you come here quickly? Tad: why what happened? Alzora: well lets just say there’s a gun in my hand, 3 dead bodies on the floor, blood on the walls floor and ceiling, and police on the way Tad: Tad: what Tad: The police are going to be there? Yeah, you're on your own ~ Aria: Mobius is a hot, molten core with a solid crust. Therefore, its a ravioli Alzora: Please stop Yeet, taking notes: No no let her finish ~ Aria: Comparing me and Alzora is like comparing apples to oranges. Aria: I mean, I like apples, and I really don't like oranges. Aria: Oranges are annoying. ~ nesta: fuck your cake! aria: 

~ Niyana: I’ve been working on my evil laugh! ‘Cause everybody’s got an evil laugh, you know, like... Ha ha ha ha HA! Like that. Alzora: Okay, here’s the thing. You’re not ready... for the evil laugh, okay, you can do a chuckle? Like a mildly upset chuckle? After MY evil laugh. ~ Snipe: You're smiling. Did something good happen? Aria: Can't I smile just because I feel like it? Niyana: Alzora tripped and fell down the stairs. ~ Yeet: So, why is Aria mad at you? Alzora: They sneezed and I accidentally said "shut the fuck up" instead of "bless you". Yeet: Alzora: Yeet: How do you accidentally say "shut the fuck up"?! ~ Alzora: Anyone who says 'uwu' or 'owo' again is being arrested for crimes against humanity! Aria: Cwimes against huwumanity. Alzora: I'm going to break your fingers. ~ Yeet, while crying: LOVE IS DEAD AND NEVER EXISTED! ALL YOU DID WAS BETRAY ME AS I LAY SICK AND FESTERING! YOU ARE THE DEFINITION OF DREAD! Snipe: Are you ok???  Yeet, crying even more: NIYANA STOLE MY FUCKIGN WEAPONS! [This breakdown is immediately followed by Yeet trying to beat the shit out of a 15 year-old] ~ Alzora: Good Morning!   Aria: Good Morning everyone Snipe: Good Morning. [ half of everyone else says their good mornings] Yeet: My god you all sound like robots! “good morning” this “good morning” that. Yeet: Spice it up!!! Niyana: HEY MOTHERFUCKERS ~ Alzora: *falls*  Alzora: Alzora: I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies. ~ Aria: Tall people are the enemy! Alzora: I'm sorry, I can't hear you from up here. Aria: I will tie your fucking shoelaces together and you won't even know it! ~ Niyana: But rules were made to be broken! Tad: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. Nesta: Uh, pinatas. Alzora: Glow sticks. Yeet: Karate boards. Aria: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. Niyana: And rules! Snipe: Don’t forget bones. Yeet: Ye-Wait no- ~ Aria: Onion rings are just vegetable doughnuts. Alzora, used to Aria: Sure they are, Aria. Aria: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. Alzora: Okay. Aria: Lasagna is just spaghetti-flavored cake. Alzora: … Aria, oblivious: Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions. Alzora, crying: Aria, please stop. Yeet, fascinated: No, continue. ~ Yeet: Hey, Snipe, what are you doing here? Snipe: This is where I come to cry. Yeet: What. Snipe: I said this is where I come to be a cool guy. ~ [loud crashing comes from Team Supernova's room, Tad runs in to find the room completely trashed] Tad: What happened in here!? [The rest of the Team are on an elevated surface]  Aria, on top of the bookshelf, shaking: We saw a spider... ~ Yeet: Isn’t it amazing what friends learn from each other? Aria: I learn a lot from Phin because he makes so many mistakes. ~ Aria: AVJDJAHDHSHS Tad: what is that? Aria: a keyboard smash Tad: how do I do it? Aria: just press anything Tad: 7 ~ Alzora: Bitch. Aria: Blocked. Alzora: Wait, unblock me, I need to tell you something. Aria: Unblocked. Alzora: Bitch. ~ Alzora: Don’t say a word. Aria: Aria: Fergalicious. Alzora: I said no words. Aria: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing Scrabble, it’s not a word. Now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you. ~ Aria: Olli? Why are you outside? It's pouring! Olli, drenched: The aesthetic, Miss Aria. Aria: Olli, please. Olli: ThE aEsThEtIc, MiSs ArIa! ~ Niyana: There’s no “i” in happyness. Aria: There is if you fuckin’ spell it right. ~ Niyana: Do you care if I take the skin off the Furby? Niyana: I want to make him a God. Once he is free of his sinful flesh he can begin the path towards enlightenment. He will take care of Us. Niyana: Also I want to softhack his circuits. Yeet: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that sentence ever again. Tad, not looking up from his sketch book: I could design some long furby designs if you need me to. ~ Stella: I have a mafia! Yeet: We have a Niyana. ~ Yeet: Bro. Snipe: What bro? Yeet: Tell the whole world we’re bros. Snipe: *whispers* We’re bros. Yeet: Why’d you whisper bro? Snipe: Because you’re my whole world bro. Yeet: B R O. ~ Yeet: Your house is burning down! You can only save one thing. What do you save? Aria: My house?? ~ Aria: Yeet, do you ever want to talk about your emotions? Yeet: No. Alzora: I do. Aria: I know, Alzora. Alzora: I’m sad. Aria: I know, Alzora. ~ Stella: *looking around in closet* What should I change into? Snipe: A better person. ~ Whatever characters Yeet writes into fanfiction: *hugging and vibing* Yeet: Who would ever want to harm such a loving relationship? Yeet, brandishing a pen: I WOOOOULD! ~ Yeet: Chillax~ Alzora: That’s not a word. Yeet: Sometimes the ones who deny “chillax” are the ones who need to chillax the most. ~ Aria: 13 year old me would be both terrified and in awe at who I am now. Niyana: 13 year old me wouldn't think I'd get this far. Yeet: I would fight a 13 year old me. ~ Snipe: Yeet came into my room in the middle of the night, I pretended to be asleep, and they stroked my hair for a minute then left. Are they planning to kill me??? Aria: No they just care about you, idiot. ~ Yeet: Well, I guess you could say I’ve fallen for you. Snipe: You just fell down seven flights of stairs, how are you even alive? ~ Yeet: I wish I could block people in real life. Alzora: A restraining order. Niyana: Murder. ~ Alzora: What the frick is wrong with you? Snipe: Please be more specific and resubmit with the proper paperwork. ~ [on a city bus] Stranger: Are you traveling for business or pleasure? Alzora, in full armor: Combat. ~ Aria: Who ate my fries? Yeet? Yeet: I don’t like fries. Aria: Snipe? Snipe: I don’t need food. Aria: Niyana? Niyana: …It was Alzora. Alzora: Yeah it was. Aria: wh ~ Alzora: They are completely literal people. Metaphors go over their heads. Yeet: Nothing goes over my head... my reflexes are too fast! I would catch it. ~ Yeet: Live by the ass, die by the ass. Tad: S t o p ~ Niyana: Is there a word that is a mix between sad and mad? Tad: Malcontented, disgruntled, miserable, desolate. Yeet: Smad. ~ Tad: If someone is trying to rob a civilian, what is the correct course of action? Yeet: T-pose to assert dominance Tad: No. Niyana: Say "Thank you Chaos, for this meal I'm about to have" and then- Tad, interrupting: even worse Yeet, taking notes: Wait, let her finish ~ Aria: Hey Alzora, do you think Snipe feels regret? Because i just saw him choke down one of Tad’s pancakes in half a second. Alzora: Snipe has only one emotion and that’s hubris. ~ Yeet: *peeling a banana* May I take your jacket lol Snipe: Do you think other people can't hear you? ~ Aria: You have to pick your battles, Alzora. Alzora: I’m full of rage and I’m picking all of them. ~ Nesta, T-posing in the hallway: Good morning, parental figure. Tad, not looking up from his coffee: Hello, problem child. ~ Yeet, throwing his head in Snipe’s lap: Tell me I’m pretty. Snipe, lovingly stroking their hair: You’re pretty fucking annoying, that’s what you are. ~ Yeet, hoarsely: I think I'm losing my voice. Niyana: Ha! That means you can't yell at me anymore! [later that day]  Niyana: Turns out, Yeet is scarier when they’re quiet. ~ Snipe: WE'RE SINKING IN DEEP WATER. Yeet: Don't worry. I learned this from a survival TV show. Yeet: OH TOOOOODLES-- ~ Niyana: Who else uses can openers to drink soft drinks? Yeet: This is extremely unhinged I must try it immediately. ~ Snipe: Boil up some mountain dew. It’s gonna be a long night. Aria: You could have said anything else. Yeet: fire burn and cauldron bubble, baja blast to fuel my trouble. ~ Aria: What do you want for dinner? Niyana: How about Sonic? Aria: *whispers* He's so fast how would we catch him-

[amazingflyingdick]

encrypted.

WHO: Dick @amazingflyingdick, Jason @thatsjasonfkntodd & Tim @redrobin-timdrake, mentions of Slade @terminator-deathstroke WHERE: The batcave WHEN: May 15th, 2020 WHAT: Tim and Jason uncover Dick’s past with Deathstroke.

Tim: Tim didn't pay Jason much mind as he scrolled through Dick’s file. It all looked pretty standard. It wasn't like Dick kept secrets from Tim, really. He didn't know about Jason so much, but he knew what he and Dick were like.

At least, he thought he did. But when he reached that line of code Tim blinked. "Uh. This can't... mean what I think it means." If it did, then he supposed he could see why Dick was preoccupied with Deathstroke. Jason: "What do you think it means?" Jason definitely wasn't inept, but he wasn't so sure that he was seeing whatever Tim was seeing, judging by that reaction. It looked like nonsense to him, but he was willing to venture a guess that that was the incorrect assumption. Bruce was too anal retentive to put something meaningless in there, or not to know if there was some kind of error. Tim: "Hold on one sec," he said as he pulled up the source box. "Bruce has a highly sophisticated cipher that he uses in some of his files. In the less encrypted ones, which I cracked a while ago, a lot of it just looked like gibberish. I sat there scratching my head for ages trying to figure it out." He began typing the key into the source box, fingers flying across the keys. "When you enter the key, it all becomes plain." He paused for a moment, fingers hovering over the 'enter' key. Should he expose Dick like this? Well... it was too late now. And there was a part of him that was desperately curious as to why Dick had never said anything to him.

Entering the key, he sat back from the screen as the code changed to display: Confirmed physical relationship with Slade Wilson, codename Deathstroke, circa December, 2010 to November 12th, 2011.

"Confirmed..." Tim furrowed his brow before entering a few more things and nodding. "Yes. There's a link here. He hid it." Biting his lip, he glanced to Jason. "Should I... I guess I should open it, right?" They had come this far. But it felt like an invasion almost. Did he care? He was sickly curious, but what would Jason say? Jason: Jason read the line of text twice, looked at Tim, looked back to the screen. There was a stretch of silence from him as he heard Tim ask about the link. He didn't reply to it right away, but eventually he did fling his hand in the general direction of the computer to say, "What the fuck is this? Click it." If Tim hesitated, he was going to do it for him, because no way in hell was he just going to walk away like he hadn't just read that with his own two eyes. Tim: Tim swallowed before biting his inner cheek. Pulling up the photos, he took in a clear image of Nightwing sitting on a roof with Deathstroke standing behind him, hand in his hair. “What the hell?” He swallowed. “This was in Blüdhaven,” Tim said, clicking forward to Nightwing looking up at Deathstroke. “Taken by Black Widow...” Raising a brow, he looked at Jason. “Why would Black Widow be taking pictures of Dick and Deathstroke? These have to be staged.” He clicked over again and paused. “Bruce took this one.” And it was definitely not staged. “The date is Dick’s birthday.”

A clear image of the two men in suits, Dick’s arms wrapped around Slade’s neck as they... kissed. “Is it bad that I... kinda wanna throw up?” Deathstroke? Why Deathstroke? Glancing at the year, Tim’s mouth fell open and he pushed to his feet. “This was when I was Robin! I used to visit him. 2010-2011, I spent so much time with the Titans then.” Jason: The dates were significant to Jason in the sort of way that he had no memory of them. Not in the “forgotten” kind of way, but just that most of it had been in that period of time where he was no longer in the ground but not exactly a complete person yet, either. He’d been half alive and Dick was off fucking Deathstroke? Notorious assassin and all around bastard, Deathstroke?

“Obviously you weren’t paying much attention.” He couldn’t immediately place why it was anger that he felt, rather than just disgust, but it was. “Call him.” Dick: There was the familiar sound of someone entering the Batcave from above, followed by Dick's ringtone, and he was fishing his phone out of his pocket when he came into view. He laughed when he saw Tim's name on the screen and glanced at him. "Perfect timing, I guess. What are you two working on?"

Leaning against the edge of the desk, his brow furrowed as he studied the image on the screen. People kissing? Okay. "Who a -" The question died in his throat. His hand against the desk clenched and all the color slowly drained from his face as he realized what he was looking at. Narrowing his eyes, he looked at Tim and then at Jason. "Where did these come from?" Tim: "Why don't you tell us?" Tim asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Is this why you wanted me to 'look into Deathstroke', Dick? Because that's pretty messed up." He shook his head, looking at Jason. He did anger better. Was he angry? Or wasn't he? Was Tim being a jerk? Well... he was mad anyway. Jason: “What does it matter where they came from?” Although he had no intention of leaving out that information for long. “You get to ask zero questions right now. What the hell is this?” He gestured toward the screen again, his movements sharp, and got up to move until he was standing right beside Dick. “Except for the most hypocritical shit I’ve ever seen, I mean.” Dick: Dick was still in shock. He knew when and where that picture was taken even though it was years ago. Seeing it here, in Bruce's files, when he didn't even know it existed left him cold. This was his file. He recognized it. There was no footnote. Did that mean Bruce took this picture?

He was silent as Tim spoke, but the tightness in his jaw and the rigidity in his body signaled his slow, rising anger. Jason's accusation made him jerk back, as if he'd been burned, and he snatched a paperweight from the desk. Without warning he hurled it at the center of the screen. The image shattered into a complex spiderweb and most of it went black. 

Dick turned to Jason, pointing at the broken computer as he moved right up in his face. "Fuck you, Jason. You don't know anything." Tim: Tim literally flinched when Dick lifted the paperweight. "Dick no!" he tried as the smashed the screen. "Are you serious?!" He cried. As he swore, his eyes widened, darting to Jason and standing stricken. How were they going to explain the broken computer to Bruce or Babs? Babs was going to kill him. Jason: The busted screen was the least of his worries, and it didn’t erase anything besides. Everything Dick was running from was still going to be waiting for him, even if they weren’t standing there looking at it.

When Dick got close to him, Jason felt a shot of heat run up the back of his neck. He’d take that challenge. He took advantage of the lack of space and grabbed the front of Dick’s shirt in one fist. “I know a few things. Two really important ones. You were fucking somebody who kills for a dime and crawling back up on your pedestal when you were done. How’s the view from way up there, Dickie?” Dick: Even though Dick could hear Tim yelling, he could barely make sense of the words. His ears were ringing and he still wanted to hit something. He wanted to hit Jason, but as soon as he felt the impulse he shoved back against him. "Get off of me."

He laughed, but the sound was forced. "So that's how you want to frame it, huh? You have no idea what it was like back then. So weave whatever narrative you want. I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not. I'll gladly take hypocrite." Tim: As he watched Jason grab Dick and then the resulting shove, he darted forward to put his body right between Jason and Dick's. "That's enough. We're not getting into a fist fight in the Batcave." One hand rested on each brother's chest, keeping them apart.

Looking over at Dick with a sharp gaze. "What the fuck is going on, Dick?" He could tell it was important, because of Dick's immediate reaction. He had needed a moment to process what was going on, but now he had. He could tell that this wasn't just embarrassment. This was something else. "Explain." Jason: “Yeah, I was busy being dead and then wishing I’d stayed that way. Super sorry I didn’t have time to get the details on your love life with Deathstroke, bro. I get to write my own narrative because you,” he raised his finger at him again, “never said shit about any of it. You don’t get to be pissed at us.”

There was a moment where he genuinely considered just shoving Tim out of the way. He certainly didn’t give a damn that they were in the Batcave. What better place for it, really? It was Bruce’s files that broke the news anyway. He only chose not to because he still wanted an answer. Dick: Tim's palm on his chest was the only thing that kept him from shoving Jason back again. Dick's fists were clenched, but he was shaking hard underneath Tim's hand. Maybe they did only want an explanation, but that wasn't what he was hearing. It was all accusations and anger.

"You're right, you were dead. You died months before any of that ever happened. You think you died in a black hole, Jason? It just didn't affect anyone else? I'm not playing your I suffered the most because I actually died and then came back and went through hell game. Why should I tell you anything? You don't care to know anything about my life or about me. You never have. Just because you get the chance to call me out for shit that I..." He suddenly found it hard to continue, so he switched focus. "I don't know what I expected. The benefit of the doubt, maybe. From Tim, at least."

He turned and went back over to the computer. By the time he got there he was starting to feel overwhelmed by what this all meant - not only for him, but for Bruce and the rest of the family. He rested an elbow on the desk and leaned his forehead against his hand, his jaw tight. Tim: Tim swallowed, looking at Jason as Dick walked away, watching him sink into the chair. What was going on? He swallowed before giving a breath. He wasn't going to be able to be outward in his emotions. It was better he didn't. So he schooled himself. If they wanted any information, they were going to have to let up. It was clear that Dick was freaking out, and maybe they should ask.

When he was calm, Tim moved over to the chair, resting a hand on Dick's shoulder. "Dick... what's going on? Can you just... explain it?" Jason: He could have continued yelling, and that was both his first instinct and what he wanted to do, but he wasn’t going to give Dick the satisfaction of feeling right about fucking anything. So he didn’t. He bit it back, quite literally, and chewed at the inside of his cheek.

Let Tim be empathetic if he wanted to be. Let him worry. Jason wasn’t going to. He didn’t make a move toward either of them again, and instead stood apart with his jaw set. Dick: Dick lowered his hand when Tim touched his shoulder, exhaling softly. He could explain it even though he didn't want to. They deserved to know something that had the potential of affecting them directly. "I made a mistake, Timmy," he said quietly. "A big mistake. You remember what I told you recently? About how Bruce and I were estranged for a year? I barely ever saw him. I was angry with him, that he didn't..." He stopped, his gaze shifting to Jason briefly. "It made me... confused about what I believed in. What I should believe in."

Bringing up Slade was the difficult part. A long silence passed before he continued. "I know it's hard to believe now, but there was good in Slade. He helped the Titans and things were changing, I thought. Bruce's black and white thinking didn't make sense to me anymore. Nothing he said made sense. I was convinced he was wrong about everything, and... it got out of hand." Tim: "So what? You just... it was an accident?" How could it have lasted for a whole year, then? He shook his head before pulling back. "That doesn't make any sense, Dick. And Deathstroke is more than just 'out of hand'." How could he have let this happen? Deathstroke was a really bad guy. Murder for money. No remorse. And it wasn't like Jason. Jason killed but only really bad men. Deathstroke killed whomever got him paid the most.

Looking over at Jason, he blew out a breath. "Dick moved to Bludhaven before you came back. I remember because Slade Wilson used to help the Titans train. I remember meeting him." Jason: For once, he continued to keep the roll of thoughts in his head trapped there, rather than speaking all of them. If he had it all wrong, Dick did, too. What was he going to do, though? Assuage his anger and say that he had cared, had wanted to know. It wasn’t as though Bruce and Dick hadn’t been good enough for him. He hadn’t been good enough for them. Hearing it that twisted was a joke.

“Yep. Put that together,” he said flatly. Dick had been in Bludhaven by the time Jason made it back to Gotham. He’d done his research, connected the dots. “There’s dates in that file. Over a year. That’s not out of hand, that’s a relationship.” He was still angry, desperately angry, but his tone was ice cold. Dick: "No, it wasn't an accident. It was a mistake, that whole year. I made a mistake when I believed Slade could change. I made a mistake in trusting him. I made mistakes over and over and over again. I just didn't know they were mistakes at the time. I believed in him. Almost like..." He stopped, deciding against making that comparison.

It was harder to justify the part about Deathstroke. "I know, Tim. I know. But he had his moral codes, he just..." It wasn't like Jason's. Dick knew that. He closed his eyes for a second and shook his head. "A relationship, fine. It was still a mistake to have it. I was still stupid to want it. I was naive to believe in it. What else am I supposed to say? I was wrong about everything." Tim: "Almost like what?" Tim asked. He wasn't about to let that lie. Dick had been about to say something, and he wanted to understand. He needed Dick to be open. No sensoring.

This was all too much. Tanya had been weird enough. At least she was repentant. He didn't think Slade Wilson had ever once felt bad about a contract. "What good did you see in him? I knew you let him train the Titans, but I always thought it was more of like a needs must, enemies closer situation." Jason: “Are your mistakes the reason you’ve got us chasing him all around the fucking city?” Dick had said it was because Slade would be there to kill someone, and while that had made perfect sense at the time, now he was hard pressed to believe there was a single simple layer to it. Jason knew as well as anyone that you didn’t hand someone a year of your life and then actually walk away entirely. That wasn’t how it worked. Some piece stayed, even if it was tiny, and if that wasn’t true then Dick wouldn’t have had such a meltdown over being confronted with it.

“Say the rest of it. All of it. You think nobody wants to know you, Goldie, but here we are asking.” Maybe he wasn’t reigning it in as much as he’d thought. Dick: Dick just shook his head at Tim's question. It wouldn't sound right if he said it. As desperately as he wanted to be open with his family, it was because he wanted acceptance. But this entire conversation only highlighted all the reasons why he shied away from it. The only reason he kept going was because they asked for answers and he was doing his best to provide them. "He helped people when he didn't have to, when there was nothing in it for him. He didn't take all contracts. I knew he wasn't evil."

Jason's question made him grit his teeth. "No. And I didn't ask you to chase him, Jason. I asked you to let me know if you heard anything. I told everyone to say away from him. I just didn't think you'd be too dumb to do it."

The nickname made him jump to his feet. "You know what? I'm sick of hearing that. You force this image on me and you put me on a pedestal because you need me to validate your complex. And Bruce, Bruce puts me on there and pretends all that -" He gestured to the computers. "Doesn't even exist. You know he never even talked to me about that? Ten goddamn years and I had no idea he even knew. It's more important to him to hide the truth than it is admit that I'm not who he wants me to be." Tim: He nodded. Dick had been young. Tim remembered when he had been young. Tim, of course, had been young too. He remembered that Dick had believed harder. It disappointed him that Dick didn't go back to the train of thought he cut off, but he could tell that this was hard. Tim just really wished he understood why.

He winced as Dick talked about the expectations on his shoulders. And about Bruce. Bruce did this to all of them. They all had the desire to please him. Dick had to be perfect, Tim had to prove he was worthy of following Dick and Jason. Jason tried to run from his desire to please Bruce, but none of them could really escape it. "Dick... it's okay. Really. We're your brothers. We're just trying to figure out what's happening?"

He swallowed, trying to think. "He's not here in Star City for you, is he? Are you afraid that's it?" Jason: “I put you up there? You think I wanted to spend all that time trying to get to you to satisfy my complex that I didn’t have yet? I wanted a fucking father, I wanted to give Bruce what he wanted, and all he wanted was you.” And Dick had been too busy not wanting a real part in any of it anymore to give a damn about what that had looked like on the other side.

It was almost a shame Dick had already shattered the screen, because it would’ve been a perfect moment to do it himself. Instead, he swiped a hand over his mouth and just shook his head. “Maybe I don’t know anything, but neither do you. And Bruce knows all of it and doesn’t care.” Dick: Dick sighed, but shook his head. "He isn't here for me, Tim. It was ten years ago. It has nothing to do with me." He still wasn't sure why, unfortunately.

Everything Jason said eliminated his anger instantly. Dick stared at him, shocked and devastated to hear aloud some of the things he always feared were true, but never knew how to ask. There were things he wanted to tell Jason about his death, but he wasn't willing to turn it back around to be about himself, not after hearing that. Instead he said nothing.

"I want to know," he finally said quietly. Tim: That was good, at least. Because Deathstroke was... strong. He had beaten Bruce. He was smart, too. Maybe smarter than Tim. Dick would be compromised if Slade came for him. Because he was clearly compromised just talking about it. This was something that Tim didn't know. He didn't understand but he wanted to, as he wanted to understand and know all things so he could process them. This was true for Dick and Jason both.

"We can know," Tim said. "But I told you once that we can't lie to each other. Remember that, Dick?" He blew out a breath and looked between his brothers. His family. "Fighting about our greater issues isn't going to do anything. Jason is right that Bruce does know. I'm sure he does care, but even if he doesn't, he knows a hell of a lot more than we do. Even if we read all the files. It's just words on paper."

Pushing a hand through his hair, he sighed. "You know that we should work together. No secrets." The reason he had come back to the fold after Bruce had returned to the cowl, even when he had kept Damian on, was because he knew that the family fought better together. Even with their pain and their trauma. Because all of those things fit together like a puzzle piece. The three of them, especially, made a balance that was unstoppable. The head, the heart, and the fist. "When we hide from each other, things like this happen."

His eyes turned to Jason and then to Dick. "I know I don't have the same issues with Bruce that you guys do, but our relationship isn't perfect either. The three of us are always going to understand each other better than anyone else. No one else in the world has quite had what we did. Not even Dem--" He paused, stopping himself. "Damian."

He was trying to be the voice of reason here. Dick's conviction about the strength of their bond, the knowledge that they were a better weapon joined as one than separate to keep Jason, and his own gratification that there was some insight to be gained here.

"Dick... I think you should start from the beginning of all... this. And you can't leave anything out. If you want us to know, we have to know. I said to you before that sometimes I have trouble being open. I learned it from Bruce. But we--the three of us--have to have each other's backs and interests. We can't do that if we're at each other's throats." He hoped that sounded fair. "We can't do that if we don't know everything." Without knowledge, they could miss important connections and patterns, misconstrue things. End up with pain like Jason and Dick were expressing. Tim needed to channel them. This was an opportunity. And Tim very much wanted to understand. Jason: Jason had said more than he’d really intended to already, even in the context of pointing out even a fraction of what Dick didn’t know, and if he could have pulled the words back into his mouth he would have done that. He couldn’t, so he let Tim rattle off his speech about brotherhood instead and let the moment die. If Dick was fine being labeled a hypocrite, then he was fine going along with the idea that he coveted whatever complex he supposedly had.

He put a little distance between himself and the two of them until he had his back against the wall and his arms folded. “All ears,” was the only comment he offered up. He’d said plenty. More than plenty. Dick: Dick was still looking at Jason, frowning, but he didn't interrupt what Tim was saying. It made sense and he was proud of him for taking on the role he usually fell into. "I know. You're right." It never should have been a secret. At some point he should have told Bruce, at least, even though he knew now that Bruce had been aware of what was happening the entire time. 

It occurred to him that Bruce must have found out before his birthday if he'd been able to get the photo. Suddenly all the tension from that time made a lot more sense.

After a long pause, he slowly took a seat at the computer chair. Running a hand through his hair, he winced when Tim stressed that he start from the beginning and not leave anything out. It was the last thing he wanted to do, even if he understood why Tim would want to make sure every detail was covered and nothing important slipped by him. "Um... okay.” It surprised him that Jason was still there, but he was grateful despite how he didn't want either of his brothers to hear this. He still needed them there.

But he struggled to start. He wondered how clinical and brief he could make it without Tim forcing him to backtrack and elaborate.

“So…” His throat already felt dry. He kept his gaze down and spoke in a quiet, matter-of-fact way, and continued to tell himself that he owed Tim and Jason this information after keeping it to himself for so long. “Deathstroke was in Bludhaven. I tried to stop him from a hit, but I got there too late and she was already dead. I was mad, so I went to his safehouse. And I was even angrier than usual because… by then, I had seen how he was capable of doing good things. He asked me to train Rose because he wanted her to grow up with morals. I saw him lose his son, his wife, and we’d worked together. I cared. And I didn't understand why he would choose Deathstroke and abandon the good things he had in his life. So, I went there to yell at him, or lecture him, I don’t know.” He laughed softly. “I was an idiot. Just showed up in the middle of his kitchen with some morality lesson.” It was funny in retrospect, sort of. It was a miracle Dick was still alive. “We argued. I wasn’t getting anywhere. At some point he wanted me to give him another reason to change. I don’t know why I said it, but… I cared. So I asked that he do it for me. He agreed, and that’s how it started. Okay?” He was fine giving details about the conversation, but he wasn’t about to explain what happened after they stopped talking. Tim: As Jason closed off, Tim bit down a sigh. He could have some time with Jason later. He thought that Jason needed it and perhaps he should have tried to have some time with him earlier. He had known, of course, that Jason felt displaced, and Tim did understand the feeling of trying to be good enough. It wasn't quite like Jason's, and he wouldn't claim that it would be. Regardless, he didn't want Jason leaving this heated and then deciding to just fall off the planet. He was finally here with them.

But this was about Dick right now. Dick and Deathstroke. Thankfully, as Dick started talking, Tim listened and the other seemed willing to tell them what had actually happened. This all sounded wild. Hard to believe. It wasn't really that Tim thought Dick was lying, so much that he didn't think it was possible for Deathstroke to agree to any level of change. What was Dick to him that he had agreed to that? It must be some kind of game that Slade was playing, or some manipulation he had concocted for Dick to believe because he was naive enough at eighteen that it had just was bound to happen. Already, Tim's mind was work. Did Dick know why he did it? What had Deathstroke really wanted?

He nodded, crossing his arms over his chest in almost a mirror of Jason, though that was unintentional. He just needed to think. "How did it go from a conversation to a relationship?" He asked. "Was he just... lying? Or did he actually change?" Tim hated that he didn't remember the details, but he hadn't really thought to focus on Deathstroke at the time. He had just believed Dick when he said that the threat he posed was more or less neutralized thanks to the alliance he had with the Titans.

Jason: Jason had never looked into Deathstroke's entire record closely enough to know if there was really a period where he'd stopped taking contracts. It seemed difficult to believe that the guy would just drop off the entire map for a year with the reputation he had, and had worked up for essentially as long as either Jason or Dick had been alive. If he'd actually put that aside for an entire year, even if he went right back to it after the date in the file, he was going to be genuinely shocked.

"What'd you get out of that whole thing? Just the gratification of thinking somebody turned it around for you?" If he wanted to take that as a hateful question, Jason didn't really care, though he hadn't entirely meant it that way. It would't have exactly come as a shock to learn that Dick god off to the idea that he could fundamentally change someone, though. Dick: "Yeah, Tim. He was lying," Dick said simply, his tone direct and oddly emotionless. "But he seemed to change. He didn't take many jobs. He spent most of his time helping the Titans. It was different." He was about to continue, but stopped at Jason's question. At this point his rage had already been snuffed out and the question stung, but he tried not to let it show. "No," he replied quietly, but another silence stretched on before he continued, with effort. "He knew me, and he never asked me to be anything more than what I was. I didn't have to be perfect or put up an act. I could just... I don't know. Exist."

He realized he'd never explained how it went to a relationship, but he didn't know how to. "A lot of things led to it, Tim. I don't know how it happened. It was too gradual. It wasn't ever... officially anything." There was one big incident that he was inclined to skip over, but he remembered what Tim said and he knew he couldn't leave it out. "At one point I found out Joker was in Bludhaven. Happy's, remember that place? The casino? I made a plan to go after him. By myself. I didn't want to involve the Titans." Or Bruce. "I thought I was prepared, but Joker pretty much handed my ass to me. I wouldn't have made it out if Slade didn't show up." Tim: Tim swallowed, glancing to Jason. If Slade had made Dick feel secure, he was sure that had meant something to him, but... of course Deathstroke had lied. He was a liar. A murderer. He wondered what his angle was. All Tim remembered was that suddenly he had left the Titans, Rose tried to kill Dick, and then there was the whole thing with the fake Titans. He didn't know that much, but he knew he enough.

His breath caught, though, when Dick said he went after the Joker. He had said that in front of Jason? Like Dick had thought the Joker would just go down after he had murdered their brother without a thought? And what was Deathstroke doing there anyway? He didn't want to say anything out loud, but why would Deathstroke have dated Dick, allied with the Titans, and saved Dick from the Joker? There was a part of him who wondered if he hadn't collaborated with the Joker to gain Dick's trust. Dick wasn't an idiot, and Slade probably knew that. Still, he kept his mouth shut about that. "You went after the Joker alone? After... what happened to Jason?" Jason: Whether he believed that answer completely or not, he wasn’t incapable of seeing what the appeal of it was. He wasn’t unfamiliar with the relief that came with being someone who didn’t have the same expectations of you that everyone else did, even if he’d been at least partially incapable of figuring out the first time around that he had that with Roy. He didn’t really want to compare the two, similarities or not. Dick had still expected a change out of Slade in the same breath that he said Deathstroke just let him ‘exist.’ He wasn’t fully willing to withdraw his hypocrite accusation yet.

His concern over Deathstroke wavered at mention of Joker, though. Unwilling to listen to another implication that he was making the conversation about himself, he settled for letting his nostrils flare rather than immediately speak. There was a long delay before he finally did. “Was he keeping tabs on you or was that just a coincidence that he could swoop in and save you?” Dick: Dick was a little surprised by Tim's reaction, but he looked at him for a moment before shaking his head. "I went up against the Joker plenty of times before then on my own, Tim. Plenty of times after, too." He wasn't going to bring up one particular time and he hoped Tim wouldn't either. This wasn't the time for it, especially because there was a lot more he needed to talk about with Jason after he answered everything they wanted to know.

"It wasn't a coincidence. I told him what I was doing." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Dick realized how it sounded. "I never even..." He had to stop again. It was too much to go back and analyze it, look at it in a different light, and make new revelations that he was't prepared to handle. "Joker was expecting me. You're thinking Slade tipped him off, right? That he set it up." How did he never even consider that? "You're probably not wrong. I never... even suspected it. Not until right now. The thought was never in my head." Tim: Tim swallowed. It wasn't that he hadn't known that, but the times that Dick had squared up with the Joker had always been dangerous. He would worry about Dick regardless. But Jason had been freshly dead then. And he knew about Dick's bullet wound. Dick had told him about it not too long ago. So the times he had gone after the Joker before that had been dangerous too. Just because he did do it didn't mean he should. But they shouldn't dwell on what they should and shouldn't do. They had all done things they shouldn't have. "You're right," he acceded. "I'm sorry. Go on."

Dick was quick to catch on to what Tim and Jason were both thinking and Tim pressed his lips together. He didn't want to say that to Dick because... it was clear that Slade had made him believe something. It was clear to Tim that talking about this hurt Dick, but... it wasn't unlikely that Slade had had something to do with it. "Bruce once said that Deathstroke plays games. His manipulation is in his files. And you remember how he was with Terra before everything got better and he allied with the Titans." He had made a team member turn again the Titans. Dick and the team had apparently forgiven him--even Gar--but it was a prime example that it wasn't unheard of that Slade might have been in league with the Joker or might have at least told him.

He sighed before running a hand over his face. "What does all this mean now, Dick?" He asked. "How should we deal with him? Because I'm not letting you deal with this by yourself." Jason: What had Dick really thought? That Deathstroke was going to turn hero for good? Most people were incapable of turning over a new leaf that thoroughly, and more than that...not many wanted to. Jason didn’t exactly have the same gooey moral center than Dick and Tim did, but despite how vehemently they often got opposed he did at least have moral guidelines. But Deathstroke? Not even Dick could just manifest something that wasn’t there. “If he’ll throw in with somebody like Black Mask, there’s nothing stopping him from doing it with Joker, too.” He’d accused Dick of being naive with Tanya, and he’d been right, but this was even worse.

“What do you think you’re going to do, Tim? Nicely ask him to fuck off? I used bullets and the only way I got him down was because he was poisoned.” Apparently. That had been the claim he’d made at the docks, anyway. Dick: "I know. I wasn't really listening to Bruce anymore, Tim." The only reason Dick went to Gotham was to see Tim, check in, and he rarely even saw Bruce. They avoided each other for an entire year. He knew now that Bruce had been right, but he couldn't silence the nagging doubt completely and he was frustrated, tired. At some point he knew he would have to accept what everyone was showing to him and not be so naive. "He was convincing. Even now, I..." He quickly stopped and shook his head.

This is where he knew the conversation was headed. Dick winced and held up a hand. "No. It was ten years ago. Nine. Whatever. It was a long time ago. We need to find out who he's here for. That's still the plan. But if it comes down to a confrontation, then he's mine. I know how he fights. I know him better than both of you, and I deserve to be the one to take him down." Tim: "Even now what?" he asked. He was certainly aware that there was something else to this. Dick wouldn't still be so weird about it if there wasn't. He had a thousand questions he wasn't asking just yet because they weren't relevant even if they would burn through his brain if he didn't eventually ask. But that one he wouldn't let lie. Even now what.

"I'm not actually an idiot, Jason, much as you like to say 'I thought you were the smart one'. There are ways to deal with a guy you can't beat with a gun." Deathstroke was all about his bottom dollar. Tim could drain him dry without leaving the batcave if he wanted to. "Plus the three of us are stronger than just you, me, or Dick." If they wanted to take down Deathstroke, he could put his research to use, Dick's understanding of his emotions or at least an intimate understanding of the way his manipulation worked, and Jason could beat the hell out of him. He was confident they could do it and Bruce wouldn't need to be involved at all.

Tim set his jaw. "That's a bad idea. He knows how you think, Dick. And he helped train you some when you were with the Titans. He probably knows how you fight, too. We can help with this." Jason: “So you can go alone and get your ass kicked? Or killed? Unless you’re banking on the idea that he wouldn’t do that.” Which was even more stupid than practically anything else he’d heard. “If you know him, he knows you. Probably better.”

He lifted one hand in an impatient gesture. “I’m sick of going back and forth about this. If you want Deathstroke out of here, we can’t exactly do that without getting him. If he’s got a contract in the city, he can’t complete it if we get his ass out of here before. Lure him out and we’ll deal with it.” Dick: Dick shook his head and made a gesture to indicate it didn't matter. It didn't, really. The confusion he still carried over the events of so many years ago made no difference. It didn't help to talk about it.

What he didn't want to consider was how well Slade knew him, even though it was true. He couldn't deny it. "I'm not the exact same as I was when I was eighteen, Jason." The years made him a better fighter. Even though he wouldn't bring it up, fighting against Jason had played a big role in that. He had also beaten Bruce. His skill and ability wasn't at question, but he was legitimately unsure if he would be able to go through with it. He wanted to think he could.

"Lure him out? How?" Dick frowned, looking between Jason and Tim. "I don't want him dead."

Tim: Tim was definitely cornering Dick after this. He kept pushing things off and Tim didn't like it. He wasn't having it, but now wasn't the time to call Dick out. He had things he wanted to know but he could wait.

"Well... there a number of ways that you could do it. But... have you considered just flipping the switch? He made you believe he cared for you..." He didn't like suggesting it and he didn't know if Dick would go for it, but it would be one way to make Slade lower his guard. If he already thought Dick was manipulable, then it would be a good way to go about it. Dick had used his charms before but never quite like this. Jason: "What, you think Deathstroke hasn't paid attention in those ten years? Come on, man. Don't be stupid. He didn't forget you exist." Especially because they'd all crossed paths with him at least once since then, including Bruce.

He couldn't keep himself from rolling his eyes. "You don't have to prostitute him. Christ. I'll set up a fake job and make sure he knows the buyer is out for Deathstroke. Surprise, you're the buyer." Dick: Dick shook his head immediately. "No, I'm not doing that." The thought of manipulating Slade in that way made his stomach turn and he recognized the feeling: guilt. Setting up a trap didn't feel any better, but he knew it could be the only way to prevent Slade from killing someone. That was why he was here. There was no other reason that made sense.

After a long, long pause, he sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the desk and rubbing his head. The thought of pitting his brothers against Deathstroke and the very real possibility of them getting seriously injured gnawed at him. It made him feel sick. "No killing. No lethal force. We just get him down and bring him in." He never seemed to wind up in prison, but at least he'd be in jail while awaiting trial. That bought them a lot of time. Tim: "I wasn't saying prostitute him--which is a valid life choice by the way, Jason. Get woke." It was a bad joke, but the entire room was incredibly tense. He blew out a breath before sighing. "It would have worked, though."

He paused at Jason's suggestion. It was... actually a good one. Not that he thought that Jason wasn't smart. He just... wouldn't have thought of it that fast. But he supposed the Dark Web was more his world. "We're actually doing this?" Tim did have the money, if they needed it to be legit. But... jeez. "Should we... I'm guessing we shouldn't tell Bruce?" Jason: Jason just stared hard at Tim, but since he wasn’t close enough to him to respond the way he wanted, he elected to not acknowledge it any further. Asking Dick to manipulate Slade because they’d been involved was actually worse, as far as he was concerned, but since his idea was markedly better he was just going to pretend like Tim’s hadn’t existed at all.

“We do it or risk Deathstroke completing whatever contract he took to get here and then bailing.” Besides, when was the last time Jason had a real challenge? Even if Dick was insisting on no lethal force, taking Deathstroke down in any sense was going to take some planning. “Fuck that. He gave up his right to be involved ten years ago.” Dick: Dick shook his head slightly, but he didn't say anything. If Slade truly had lied to him all those years ago, then he wouldn't even have any incentive to meet up with him for a reason like that. Not unless he thought he could use it to his advantage.

"It can't happen," he said quietly. If Slade did follow through with the contract and someone died because he dragged his feet, he wouldn't be able to live with it. "And we're not telling Bruce. He knows Sl - Deathstroke's here. He obviously knew everything and never said a word." Leaning back in the chair, his gaze caught the second screen that had the words from the file instead of the pictures. "He wrote it down. Like it's kryptonite or something."

Annoyed, he ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. "If we do this, if we plan it all out, then I'm going in alone. He'll use both of you against me. Like you said, he... knows me. If I hesitate, it risks your lives. I won't do that." Tim: Tim scoffed. “No. Sorry, but that’s not going to work. I’m not letting you and Jason is good at this stuff. He actually runs in this world. You’re not going alone.” Tim would literally create an annotated file, with footnotes, as to why it was a dumb idea for Dick to go alone. So help him, he would. And they ought to expect that of him.

He looked over to Jason. “Back me up here, Jay.”

Jason: “Yeah, not happening. If you were going alone you would’ve already done it.” He hadn’t. He’d been chasing ghosts. Now that he and Tim were involved, there was no way in hell he was going to set the whole thing up and then twiddle his thumbs while Dick did whatever he thought he was going to do. Fight him? Or try to reason with and persuade him again? Not even Dick could be that naive.

He uncrossed his arms and stood up straight. “We’re helping. You can have the first word and the last one if you want it. I don’t care.” Dick: This was exactly how he knew they would respond. It made it even more difficult to explain why he didn't trust himself to carry this through without putting one (or both) of them in danger. Gritting his teeth, he shook his head slightly. "Jason." His voice was strained and almost pleading. He breathed in to continue, explain, but he knew there was nothing he could say that would alter the plans set in place - and if he disagreed entirely, there was no doubt someone would die as a result of his hesitation. Tim: Tim reached out, putting his hand on Dick's shoulder, tipping his head back to look him dead in the eye. "Not this time, Dick. If we work together, no one's going to get hurt." He shook his head, looking at Jason. The expression was set, firm. This was something they could do together. They didn't need Bruce. They could get Deathstroke.

Jason: “That’s it then. Get me a timeline. I’ll figure out details for the job.” It had to be believable. It wasn’t like Slade was an idiot; he’d be able to sniff out something obviously fake. Tim could take it from there. “Unless anybody else has some feelings to share, I’m done here.” And even if they did, he’d had his fill of them for the day.

Dick: Dick knew things didn't always work out that way, but he didn't argue with Tim. He wanted to believe that it would all go to plan. If this were anyone else, he would, but the situation was too unique - and too raw, even after a decade. He seemed about to say something, but then he just nodded instead, not looking up from the desk. Tim: Tim nodded, pulling away from Dick completely to look at Jason. “I can help you put out the pings. And any kind of financial justifications... I can be that guy if you need?” He could create an encrypted account so it wasn’t traced back to him and allocate his trust. He blew out a breath. “We don’t tell Bruce and... we handle this quietly. Deathstroke won’t hurt anyone.” Least of all Dick.

Jason: “Sure, Timmy. Later.” For the time being, he was done. He needed time to process that didn’t take place near either one of them, and he had nothing else to say that was going to get anywhere. He glanced briefly to the two of them before making his exit. He was stuck in the manor for the time being, but he could go claim a different part of it.

[nyanzaya]

@heart-will-not-surrender​ inquired: Slowly puts @perspextivexx​ here

Send Me A URL and I’ll Respond With My Opinions…

Roleplaying/Writing

My favorite muse(s) of theirs and why: I like Briar and Lili honestly. I like Briar because literally she makes me laugh. She tries not to be emotional even though I think she is quiet emotional, especially when she and Iza get to talking and how Iza seems to just read into things she does or why she acts a way- like...he reads into what she might be trying to keep hidden about herself even if it might be incorrect and is just what Iza thinks of her and she gets her feathers all ruffled because some of it might be right and she doesn’t want to face that fact or it’s wrong but she still doesn’t like that he can get a good read on her. Then Lili, she’s so adorable. Her story is sad and it’s sad that she’s going to be a kitten forever and she’s going to watch everyone she loves grow older while she stays the same age. The angst material is real right there but it’s interesting to me because how often do you even hear of that happening to a muse? It’s the first time for me and I love her.  My favorite interaction/thread of theirs: I can��t even lie or phase it I liked that really brief interaction between Iza and I think it was Maria? I remember her trying to make a deal with Iza, promising that his masters would be killed, but mistakenly said something about his 3rd, who was already dead and Iza just...belittled her? Like oof..iza...that was a demon you probably angered I’m surprised you’re still alive. I wouldn’t even blame her if she did kill him right then, even if he was for some reason valuable to her. Iza literally just “Oh, you couldn’t even get that information correct? You’re useless to me.” AT LEAST I’M SURE IT WAS MARIA-- if I have the completely wrong person LMFAO The one with Briar and Iza being domestic? Like, Briar playing with Iza when he was laying on the floor and she had a cat toy and he just would play but then get lazy. I thought that was adorable AF. My thoughts on their unique characterization/interpretation of their muse(s): Since they are Oc’s you can’t go wrong with them at all LOL I like how consistent they are though. They don’t ever feel like they are out of place or anything like that. My thoughts on their writing style as a whole: Considering you are on mobile? It’s honestly good writing lol I know it’s different writing on a computer than it is on mobile since I have written on mobile and god bless you I don’t know how you do it? I’m more of a multi-para person but I actually enjoy our stuff even if it’s 1 para or 3  Situation(s)/Plot(s) I’d love to see their muse(s) in: Oh gosh... okay. I think I want to see a situation where Lili has to deal with losing someone close after like years of knowing them. It might sound horrible and stuff but I’m genuinely curious of how she would cope, and react and I wonder if like, she would grow out of that mental innocence she has as a kid? Even though I think she is more like a cat since she literally was a cat when she died and was brought back as half-cat but I think it’s just something interesting to consider! Someone else I love seeing them interact with: I always find it funny to see Briar interact with Izaya, the specific one she interacts with LOL it’s just always fun to see it on my dash.  Anything else I want to say about their roleplaying: I’m really impressed! Like, it’s admirable to me because I find it so hard to rp on mobile and you are doing it and making it look so easy lol I’m literally just spoiled and like to use icons //cri but even without them I still really enjoy my boys interacting with yours regardless of being iconless or not!

If We Know Each Other

What I Think Are Their Best Qualities: tbh your determination I think it really admirable. Your ambition to write and further develop your characters is great What I Think Are Their Strengths: Communicative, especially when it’s for something important. Super friendly, sweet and creative<3<3 A Memorable OOC Interaction Of Ours: Oh gosh.. we don’t actually talk all that much lol but we do talk in the tags sometimes and I do remember us dying over how cute domestic!Iza and Briar were Why Others Should RP With Them: Because their characters are interesting! I think it would def be worth it to write with them because they can throw their characters into just about any situation!  How Others Should Approach Them: I honestly, don’t remember how we started interacting but the best thing to do is to just, slide into the DMs and ask! I’m sure they would love to do just about anything lol Other Roleplayers I’d Recommend To Them: oh gosh... I’m not sure what fandoms you are in? I think you would love songcode’s Psyche! Or uhm... if you’re into free my husbando’s multimuse for it is great too and they also have other fandom’s that isn’t just free<3 Anything else I want to say about them: THEY ARE AMAZING PLEASE! GIVE THEM A CHANCE YOU WON’T REGRET

If We Have/Plan To Interact Together

A plot I’d like to write with them: Oh gosh.... I’m horrible with plots LOL uhhm... I’m really good at winging it though :”> Honestly feel free to send any like, rp memes and prompts I’d always find a way to work it out most of the time if I can’t then I’d def let you know lol A muse I want to introduce to them: I don’t really have a muse I can introduce to you I’m sorry asdfjkasdf I know there’s Asher and Aiko but LOL They are more...side characters than anything and they would need Zuo there to “properly” interact with  A ship/broship I’d like to propose to them: mmm.... I’m not really sure lol It’s hard for me to say. I’m sorry LOL Rosalina and Iza would be an interesting bro/professional-relationship that you proposed A thread with them I’m excited about: The one with Iza, Briar and Lili! I think it’ll be fun lol Briar gets to see Iza being a mom asdfjas and taking care of a kitten ASJDFKASD HELP BRIAR ACTUALLY SEEING A SOFTER SIDE TO IZA BYE Anything else I want to say: BLESS YOUR SOUL IM GLAD TO SEE YOU ON MY DASH AND IM PROUD OF YOU! 

[spectrumscribe]

Day by day.

It’s okay to slow down and just take things day by day, but sometimes Donnie forgets that. 

Luckily, Mikey doesn’t.

(have some short b-team hurtcomfort fic, because i don’t write nearly enough comfort or bonding for these two.)

Donnie stares at the messy, somewhat delirious notes in front of him; his own writing getting increasingly incoherent with each page, until the very final one, which reads only BUILD/HIJACK BIGGEST RADIO TOWER, CALL OTHER ME???

He groans softly, and lets his head sink to the disaster of a lab table. Putting his hands on top of his skull, he feels his elbow bump something hard and cool, and his gut jerks as he realizes it’s probably one of his multiple empty mugs about to meet a unmerciful death.

A quiet “whoop!” is heard, but no shattering porcelain.

Donnie raises his head, wondering if he’s finally tired enough he’s started hallucinating.

Mikey is standing beside the table, seemingly having materialized out of thin air like he sometimes does- holding the mug and giving Donnie an exasperated look.

“You know, we have exactly ten mugs in total,” Mikey says, setting the mug on the table. “and I’m pretty sure you’ve got eight of them in here. Which is probably not the best sign for your caffeine intake levels.”

Donnie blinks sluggishly. His brain is awake, sure, but only on the inside. Outside input isn’t going in, and it takes him a full moment to comprehend what his brother has just said to him.

“...I thought I only had five?” He says, glancing around at his work station. There’s a... few more cups than he thought.

Mikey laughs, not unkindly, and drags a stool around the corner of the table to sit down. “I think you only got five brain cells right now, Dee. When’s the last time you slept? Or... ate, or drank something that wasn’t coffee?”

Donnie tries to remember, marginally successful.

“Around.... six?”

“Is that six tonight- which was hours ago- or six yesterday morning?”

Donnie’s head hurts. “...what time is it?”

Mikey gives him a grimace. “Woo, you’re really out of it tonight. What’s got you all tangled up like this?”

Donnie’s eyes drift back down to his infuriatingly useless notes.

“There’s still mutants running around New York,” Donnie says, feeling even tireder talking about it. “and I’ve got...” He thinks about the frozen figure up against the wall, and how badly he’s neglected Timothy the past months. Years. “They all still need a retromutagen, and there’s... not enough to go around anymore. I have to figure out how to make it stretch, what little I’ve managed to get my hands on, but...”

Mikey’s hands enter his vision, gently moving the papers so the newer, messier ones are easier to see.

“Not going to well?” Mikey observes, brushing a thumb over Donnie’s throwaway idea of contacting their space clone selves.

Donnie nods miserably. He’s unsure of the time, and doubly unsure of when he last made any real progress with the problem. He’s been keeping rough track of every new mutant that pops up somewhere in New York, and while the numbers are a mere fraction of the full population of the city, it’s still a lot of mutants. The Shredder drained so many of the caches of mutagen through the city, and since they lost contact with Bishop and the Utrom, Donnie’s been stuck with hoarding what little he’s still in possession of.

It’s not enough. It has to be but it’s not. There’s just too many mutants to reverse and not enough mutagen for effective retromutagen batches. And even with all those nameless people out there in need of his help- incorrect, he could name them all if he wanted to, its just that it’s terrifying to put faces and lives to all those mutants- he’s still got his family to look out for. Mutagen has medical uses for them, it’s brought his brothers back from the brink of death or worse before, and if he gives it all up for people they don’t even know, just before someone suffers another life-threatening injury...

That will be his fault, for not making the scant stock of mutagen he has last long enough to fix everything and everyone.

“I can see you burning through those five brain cells, Donnie, like right this second.”

Donnie sighs, and rubs at his aching temples. Headaches are his true weakness, even if he usually powers through them regardless. “What do you want, Mikey? I’m... very busy.”

“You’re half dead, that’s what you are,” Mikey says, gently elbowing Donnie’s side. When Donnie just grumbles, Mikey throws an arm around his shell and says, “Come on, take a break. Eat a snack. Take a nap. You can’t save the whole world in a night, gotta get a little R&R first.”

Donnie snorts. “We’ve literally saved the world in a night before, sometimes less. Look, you might not get it, but I can’t stop, okay? This isn’t something I can just walk away from and not feel like a...”

“Do not say failure,” Mikey says, very suddenly serious. His arm is tight on Donnie’s shell, and Donnie can feel the intense scrutinizing he’s being given. “We had a bazillion talks about that- no quitter talk!”

“Then why are you telling me to quit?” Donnie asks.

“I’m not! I’m just saying you need to take it easy for a bit, before you bust something important because you didn’t take care of it right.”

“You’re talking like I’m a car.”

“Raph called himself a ‘finely tuned fight engine’ or something one time. Turtle bodies are close enough that they gotta be cleaned and fed and left to pass out somewhere quiet sometimes.”

Donnie stubbornly doesn’t answer. He has work to do, important work, and walking away from it even just to get food feels wrong. He has to do this, he needs to be doing something to fix the world. The retromutagen is something he can make, can use to fix other peoples’ lives. If he’s not working on that, or something else...

He doesn’t know what to do with himself.

Mikey’s arm squeezes him, drawing Donnie sideways for a hug.

“Hey, you know it’s okay to slow down, right?” Mikey says in a soft voice. “Just until you stop lookin’ so cross-eyed.”

“Can’t,” Donnie says belligerently. Mikey doesn’t get it. He can’t get it. “I can’t.”

“...I know you got your way of copin’ with stuff, Dee, but sometimes you have to just take it day by day, alright? Some stuff takes a little extra time, and you have to make sure you don’t burn yourself out before that time is up.”

“And how would you know that?” Donnie says, because far as he’s ever really known, Mikey has hardly a patient bone in his body.

His brother hums.

“Dimension-X, bro.”

Donnie lifts his head, giving a mildly startled look to Mikey, who gives a wane smile in return.

Mikey is still smiling, even as he talks about something that draws a stress-line in that smile. “You guys got there in a few seconds your time, but I was there for like, months or shit. D-X has all sorts of stuff to do pretty much twenty-four seven, but... I didn’t know when you guys were gonna show up. First while rolled by and I had to figure out how to budget my energy, or I would’ve ended up turtlechow for somethin’. So-” He says, and Donnie can visibly see Mikey putting brighter emotions back into his expression. “-if I can figure out how to be patient for an undefined pickup date, then you can be patient until your brain is all recharged. Okay? Come eat leftovers. We had curry and burnt toast, since it was me an’ Leo’s turn to cook tonight.”

Donnie wants to refuse on automatic, because walking away from one of the last relatively normal and straight forward parts of his life is hard. But...

Curry sounds nice, even with burnt toast as a side.

His stomach, Donnie realizes, has been in such a tight knot of hunger for so long, he hadn’t noticed it until Mikey mentioned food.

Donnie finally relents, slumping into the sideways hug that’s actually right out holding him up at this point. “Okay, curry sounds good. Thank you.”

Mikey beams, smug and pleased. “And then you’re taking a shower, and then sleeping. At least seven hours, no less. I think you went twenty-four without bein’ horizontal even once. Again.”

“I have important work.”

“Yeah and your self-pampering is part of that, which has been super neglected, you workaholic. Put some energy into restoring your energies, ‘kay?”

Donnie huffs, smiles, and nods.

“Atta boy!” Mikey crows. He gives Donnie one last squeeze and then stands up from his stool. “And now we go follow through with that stuff, and then we set an alarm for when your government mandated vacation time is up.”

“I wasn’t aware we had a government,” Donnie says bemusedly, standing with twin cracks to his cramping knees. Ow. “Or... vacation hours, for that matter.”

“It’s the dictator government of ‘take better care of yourself, idiot’,” Mikey says imperiously, reaching out and tugging on Donnie’s arm. “I’m the dictator and I’m dictating you go take a fuckin’ shower while I reheat food.”

“I thought Leo was the resident dictator,” Donnie says. “Or Raph, possibly.”

“They like to think they’re the dictators, but Leo’s actually just a tator and Raph’s just a dick. Two halves but not whole! Me though? I’m the whole package.”

“And what does that make me in this hypothetical government equation?”

“The judge or jury or someone who needs to take a shower and eat real food.”

“That’s court, Mikey, not the ruling figures of a country.”

“Blah blah blah- less smart talk more taking care of yourself, go go go.”

“I’m going,” Donnie grouses, but his lips are curling on the ends as his brother drags him from his lab by the hand, and he doesn’t glance back at his temporarily halted work.

A shower, two servings of curry and one of slightly charred toast later, with the addition of bean bags and a G-rated oldie-but-goodie movie turned on, Donnie’s frayed nerves settle down as he does.

Mikey takes up the bean bag beside him as Donnie does, and Donnie has barely enough energy left to shoot a grateful smile at his brother before his eyes slide shut.

As Donnie falls asleep completely, Mikey stealthily takes the t-phone out of his brother’s belt, and adds an extra two hours to the alarm setting. Seven hours isn’t going to cut it for those deep bags under his bro’s eyes, and Mikey knows the small sabotage will be forgiven.

If he’d let Donnie go to his room, his genius brother would have found a little gadget somewhere in there to tinker with instead of actually sleeping. So, movie marathon it is, while Donnie heads into a good, well deserved sleep.

Not a bad arrangement. Mikey doesn’t mind watching movies, or stepping up to give his brother a little extra push towards functionality.

He knows Donnie’s work is important, and that he can’t really do anything to help- but Mikey also knows that Donnie will run himself into the ground if he keeps going at things like this, and knows what it feels like when you can’t stop going full-tilt at a problem until its solved.

Warm food and a good sleep can fix that, though. Or at least give you a fresh perspective whenever you wake up again. Dimension-X taught him that, and he figures that this time around, he can be the one to pass knowledge onto someone.

Mikey slumps a little further into his bean bag, comfy as can be; listening to Donnie start whistling through his little tooth gap as he breathes, and smiling to himself as the movie hits the first major plot point.

[thumper-darling]

YO admit stuff admit everything

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

Lol,,,definitely not my dude

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

Lol,,,incorrect. 

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

Nope,,,

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

It never used to be, and it’s something I’m working on tbh

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

If I’m being 100% honest, I don’t have any crushes or romantic interests atm,,I’m taking much needed time for myself

6. What are you excited for?

Our production of Robin Hood, my bff’s birthday, my birthday, and Christmas

7. What happened tonight?

It’s not even 2 pm yet,,so I don’t know. 

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

Let a girl get crunk,,,it’s not disgusting. 

9. Is confidence cute?

I mean, confidence is much more than just ‘cute’. Self-confidence is healthy and hopefully a sign of happiness and acceptance. But yeah, confidence is nice. 

10. What is the last beverage you had?

A vanilla latte with extra froth and whipped topping

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

only one 

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

I sure fricking do

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

I have a family Christmas I’m going to

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

Either gas or my best friend’s bday present

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

No I am not 

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

I sure hope so

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Her name rhymes with Rila 

18. The last time you felt broken?

A few weeks ago

19. Have you had sex today?

That’s a definite no 

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

My passions and ideas??

21. Are you in a good mood?

yes

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

n o 

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

Yes

24. What do you want right this second?

A journal 

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

I probably wouldn’t say anything to them for a bit,,,tbh. 

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Yes, just a few shades darker though

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

That’s a STRONG no 

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

My co-worker was having the worst luck with an order today,,,and it was a lil comedic 

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

No 

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

Not everyone deserves a first chance

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

Talking to or talking to?? Because the last boy I talked to was my bro,,,and I could never hate him. But the last boy I was talking to (interested in) was v v nice and funny, so I don’t hate him. 

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

lol, what feelings?

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

I used to be, but now I drink it on occasion 

34. Listening to?

Six Different Ways by The Cure 

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

I LOVE PENCILS,,,YES

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

No, and I don’t want to know 

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes, been there, done that. 

38. Who did you last call?

My friend Kelsie, I called her because I was lost and needed directions.

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

I honestly don’t know. Maybe my niece? 

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

Because I was sad and thought that I needed them. 

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

YO,, IT’S BEEN A GOOD MINUTE,,,,

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

I haven’t seen either of them today, so no 

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

Did you mean: When have you not embarrassed yourself in front of a crush? 

44. Do you tan in the nude?

I don’t,,tan,,,

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

Probably not 

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Not last night

47. Who was the last person to call you?

My mother, well, technically it was my sister using my mom’s phone

48. Do you sing in the shower?

I used to 

49. Do you dance in the car?

e v e r y d a y 

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I used to be pretty good at it too

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

When I got my senior pictures done 

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

Some can be cheesy, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good my dude. I love me a good ole’ musical 

53. Is Christmas stressful?

It doesn’t have to be, but some family members make it stressful because they think it’s a competition to make the best pie,,,honestly Susan,,,you need to be stopped 

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

A whom??? 

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

Blueberry or Cherry 

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

I wanted to be a Veterinarian Technician 

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes,,,boo bitch 

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Every blue moon or so 

59. Take a vitamin daily?

I’m low-key supposed to but,,,

60. Wear slippers?

Nah, I’m all about fuzzy socks 

61. Wear a bath robe?

I’m not a lil bitch 

62. What do you wear to bed?

Leggings and sweaters when it’s cold, and t-shirts and shorts in the summer 

63. First concert?

Blackbear digital druglord tour 

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

TARGET 

65. Nike or Adidas?

Adida

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Peanuts 

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

All Too Well

69. Ever take dance lessons?

The closest thing I had to dance lessons was amateur choreography for my 5th grade musical. 

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

Either a journalist or a director. 

71. Can you curl your tongue?

Not well

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

I didn’t do those in school as a kid,,,

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

I’ve been known to, yeah

74. What is your favorite book?’

Perks of Being A Wallflower 

75. Do you study better with or without music?

Without, I usually play movies or TV shows in the background though 

76. Regularly burn incense?

Never, not once

77. Ever been in love?

maybe, maybe not 

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

Harry Motherheckin’ Styles 

79. What was the last concert you saw?

I literally just answered this dude 

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Hot raspberry tea kinda hoe 

81. Tea or coffee?

coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie?

Snicker-doodles 

83. Can you swim well?

No, but I sure can doggy paddle 

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

ish

85. Are you patient?

N O 

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

DJ 

87. Ever won a contest?

I won a raffle once, but that was pure luck and not based on talents lol. So no, not really 

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

Nah 

89. Which are better black or green olives?

Green 

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

Only do what makes you comfortable. If you’re ready, you’re ready. 

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living Room

92. Do you want to get married

Someday, yes. 

[proofsaretalk]

rapidly barreling toward that 1k mark

The title is not what this post is about. (cw: five pages of boring navelgazing)

------

Sometimes, when I get really close to going to bed after staying up for far too long, I will say things like “What are you doing?” And I normally think about that as just my not-quite-totally-mentally-healthy ass’s way of saying “go to bed bro”

But somehow when I said it tonight the question sounded a lot more urgent. A lot more confused. A lot more like a question, in other words.

And I think best in writing.

So here are the basic facts:

I am very tired right now (4am)

I was (less) very tired about four hours ago

I intentionally chose to not go to bed four hours ago, 

After watching a really good SGDQ run.

I actually very much enjoy SGDQ runs.

But I did not spend the intervening four hours watching SGDQ runs.

Primarily because I knew I would not stay awake by doing so.

I more or less knew, when I made that decision, that I would be awake at 4am.

See 3.4.

I have been going to bed around 2-3am for the last couple days.

This schedule initiated by me staying up way too late on Sunday of last week, for reasons that were equally unreasonable but at least more familiar.

I need to be awake in 3 hours, or, at most 4 hours.

I have known for several days that I would need to be awake at 7am on Monday morning.

Less basic facts, with notably more reporting bias, probably:

The reason that I need to be awake at 7am on Monday morning is because I am going on a road trip with my dad and my roommate.

I am mostly going on this road trip because I want to spend more time with my dad.

And also because I want to signal to him that I want to spend more time with him.

Which I definitely feel like I have not, although I have had dinner with him for three nights this week; in no small part because I was in Montreal when he arrived and have not done a lick of work to help care for my grandmother while he was in town. 

In particular I don’t really care about where we’re going or what we’ll do there.

I intended to drive both ways— which I never told anyone that I was intending to do, which I suppose was good because I will certainly not do that now.

Maybe we’re approaching the actual reason I am doing this obviously stupid thing, Part I:

My main goals this summer are, in priority order

to get a fucking advisor, 

a.k.a. to work hard enough and deep enough on commutative algebra to determine whether it is a good idea to be Christine’s student, and

if so, to then decide whether I should work with Vic anyway.

to reach the 1k posts in 1k days goal with OTAM, 

which requires essentially exactly two posts per day every day for the remainder of the summer

which is, to an unbelievably strong level of consistency (like literally I do not believe it), four hours +/- 40 minutes of work.

that’s it

i fucking hate it when my family asks me “what have you been doing lately” because it’s like

I’M READING

I’M BLOGGING

THAT’S IT

Anything I do beyond this is— though it be, to some extent, necessary for keeping my sanity— something I perceive as an annoyance and do with a fair bit of guilt (which I do try to put off until after doing the thing, usually pretty successfully).

and you know what, yes, if I’m being honest, that includes spending time with my family

even though this is 110% my own damn problem and if I had locked myself in my room this week, my dad (in particular) would totally have understood

although he lives 1600 miles away, and is only here for two weeks, and his birthday is tomorrow, and I missed out on seeing him the first week because Montreal, because my dad is a pure cinnamon roll lol no but is (in particular) genuinely understanding about this stuff; the whole midwesterner guilt trip passive-aggressive thing is very much not his aesthetic

and also I really haven’t spent that much time with my family besides this week so. [ At most 3hrs/week previously ]

I have two blog posts scheduled for tomorrow and another one besides; that is, enough that I can go on the trip and wake up late on Tuesday and I won’t experience any interruptions

I was highly embarrassed that I had to miss the second Friday post this week

I spent a lot of time on Saturday working with the specific intention of having a large enough buffer to make sure that this did not happen again on Tuesday.

aka 4 blog posts

aka 12 hours of blogging, because the rate of 2hr/post only applies to the first two posts in a day, after which the evidence suggests (more on that below) that it’s a complete shitshow.

aka nothing else got done, which is relevant because

For the first time on our regularly scheduled Thursday meeting time, Christine actually gave me something to do — previously it was mostly entirely me being like “I’m reading the book, here are my questions”.

I have done essentially no work toward doing that thing.

See 3.4

See also 2.2 from the previous section.

I have never felt happy about the amount of time that I’ve been devoting to the algebra 

See 1.3.5 oh god this is becoming a labrynth isn’t it

Christine seems oblivious to this, or perhaps thinks that, since I bring it up every week, I am just trying to preempt any criticism she might make

which to be honest isn’t wrong but

I have experience with being advised by someone with fairly low expectations of me and yeah it drives me right up the fucking wall

and I am definitely keeping my eye on her essential silence w.r.t. progress

In particular, I don’t feel happy about the fact that I have been spending so much more time on the blog than on the algebra because the latter is clearly infinitely more important for my continued ability to support myself by doing the thing that makes me incredibly happy.

There are good reasons I have made this choice but I definitely expected that these would disappear after returning from Montreal

which they have, and hence my continued inability to spend time doing algebra is even more disappointing to me

despite the fact that new reasons obviously exist that are also obviously temporary since dad will leave on the 4th.

and that I also do strongly value my familial relationships and am extremely bad at showing this; and I understand that what I have chosen to do for the past week is a very shrewd calculation to maximize the number of people who have firsthand experience with my show of commitment (however obviously performative it may be)

to be clear, I do not know if it is obvious that it is performative

I do not even know if it is performative

The fact that my algebra assignment for the week came from Christine, and not from a vague sense of “you should probably finish this book”, adds a particular urgency to the task... 

...and what seems to be my inevitable failure to complete it, since I have only Tuesday and Wednesday; and Tuesday is the 4th of July so that might as well not exist, productivity-wise; and I still have to write the usual two blogposts for Wednesday so it’s not like I can cram a 14-hour session (which I have done before).

I do not know whether I am more concerned about potentially disappointing Christine or myself

(even though the former is so unlikely that it is almost certainly anxiety)

Okay that’s nice exposition but doesn’t actually explain why you’re awake at 4am (hint it’s 5am now), Part II:

When I walked out of Christine’s office on Thursday, I definitely did not think that I would be spending all of Monday, and essentially all of Friday, and a good half of Sunday, to be spent with family. (Of course, I still expected Tuesday to be shot.)

However, all of that was clarified by Friday afternoon, so I’ve had a couple days to mull on this.

I certainly did not make the decision to stay awake in hopes that I would get any work done.

In fact, if I am being honest, this was an intentional part of my thought process and I made the decision in spite of this fact.

What I did not consider is that, if I have to cancel the plans for today because I did this stupid thing, I certainly will not be able to fucking do anything tomorrow since I will have to sleep through everything. 

Dear God, the sun is rising through my window

I closed the blinds, whew

What I did end up doing over this four-hour period is mostly read career posts on math blogs, and reading PhD, with a little bit of SGDQ and a pinch of assorted internet clicking thrown in.

It is perhaps not obvious to anyone else that this has the feel of a self-care session to me.

The only thing that I could possibly have been consciously self-caring for, though, was the expenditure of energy at my dad’s birthday party today.

(Anxieties about the Christine reading only started appearing in the later phases of this period.)

And surely sleeping would have been equally good dramatically better self-care.

I definitely have a sometimes-useful tendency to want to do a single thing for as long of an uninterrupted period as possible, up to and including completely destroying my sleeping rhythm (which accounts for much of the ‘sometimes’ in ‘sometimes-useful’).

The part of me that likes to make needlessly grandiose statements and read into shit too much, is squawking about how I probably feel like I had expectations for how I would be spending my time (I did), and feel like I’ve been forced into a time-consuming alternate direction (which, again: no), and therefore making this stupid decision is a juvenile way of exercising control by breaking from what would probably be “expected” of me (i.e. fucking going to sleep before a day-long road trip)

I am currently convinced of this but also

I am even more tired than when I started writing this post and

I don’t trust my tired brain to be right about anything of this scope (based on extensive experience with incorrect sleeping decisions).

That’s all I got.

No alternate theories.

So, shit, that’s gotta mean it’s right, huh?

Lambda

Actually, continuing on the sleeping-as-control riff, I am quite experienced with (and, if I may say so, fairly good at) managing an awful sleeping cycle. Perhaps the stupid decision was not about controlling how I spend my time but rather more direct: demonstrating control in my life via crisis management w.r.t. sleeping.

This is actually a testable theory, at least in the sense that if I have something similar come up soon, I could replace “not sleeping” with “playing Starcraft”

[ it’s not perfect because I would also not be sleeping in that setting, but then the not-sleeping is a side effect rather than the actual display of control; and I think that I could (after the fact) actually distinguish between those two. ]

(and arguably, this has already been played out in prior incidents, but I am way too tired to examine whether similar issues were at play in those cases.)

And finally

I am equally concerned with the fact that this post has cost me two hours of sleeping as it has cost me two hour of algebra work,

which is to say, not at all, in either case

although I do perceive very little of value was gained by my writing it

which is a very confusing triplet of true statements, to me, at this moment.

I may have to cancel the road trip.

Perhaps this was my subconscious goal all along.

But I’ll go to sleep take a power nap and we’ll see.

If your sorry ass thinks that I’ve been writing this shit for two hours without theorizing how I could sanitize it into an OTAM post then frankly you don’t know me at all.

[whatwouldfrogsdo]

Opportunity (or Dreamer)

Day 6 of Nursey Week!

Trigger warnings: This deals with discussion of racism, particularly racism within the NHL, as well as white supremacy and internalized racism. Disclaimer that I, the writer, am white and so please, please if any of this is insensitive or straight up incorrect let me know and I will edit. There’s also some internalized acephobia.

Also on AO3 here.

“What’s that about?”

Derek looked across at Ransom, then followed his gaze, frowning when he saw April and March playing beer pong. Then he realized that Holster and Dex had sat down to talk just beyond the beer pong table.

Derek paused for a moment, considering if it was okay to answer honestly. “We’ve had NHL scouts. It’s, uh, getting to the point where we have to decide if we’re staying here for fourth year or not.”

“Shit.” Ransom looked impressed. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I think they’re starting to look at Samwell as one of the top colleges to try and pick from or something. Dex and I aren’t talking about it much. We don't want to affect each other’s decision.” His teeth worried at his lip. The reminder of next year's uncertainty got more and more stressful the closer to a decision he felt. The hiss of air next to him told him that Ransom could see some of his doubts, and the next thing Derek knew, he was being steered towards the stairs.

In the attic, they settled on the double  which had replaced the bunk beds about a year earlier, and Derek stretched out so that he was staring at the ceiling. Ransom flopped onto his stomach and tilted his head to look at him.

“What's up?”

“It's stupid.”

“Isn't it always? Okay, start easy. Do you want to play NHL next year or stay here?”

“I want to play NHL, of course I do.”

“And you want Dex to do the same but he's not so sure?”

Derek squeezed his eyes shut. “No. No, I think he'd regret not doing that last year. I didn’t come here for the degree. I came for the college experience, and I can leave after three years knowing I got it. He came as the first person in his family to go to college. It was an effort for him to get here. You never know what might happen with hockey and realistically something could happen that first year before we've made enough to get by on, and I can shrug and live on my parents’ money and maybe write a book or some shit, but he— It would kill him.”

There was a long silence. “Well why the hell aren't you telling him you think that?”

“Because half the time we fight it's about money. And— And because this hits too close to our first ever fight. I applied for the scholarship even though I didn’t need it and he did. What if— What if it’s my privilege talking when I say I want to go into the NHL, but that’s not for him? At least not now. Isn’t it kind of fucked for me to want that success straight away, but want him to wait?”

Ransom pulled the toy frog he and Holster had gifted to them at graduation towards him and had what looked like a staring competition with it while he thought. “I’ve never known you and Dex to avoid fights,” he finally said. “You tell each other what you think, whether it’ll annoy the other one or not. That’s how you work.”

It was true. Derek so rarely told people what he really thought of them, but with Dex he always had, and in the end it had turned into a strange form of trust. Similarly, back in the beginning when Dex was trying to mold himself into somebody he wasn’t, it was only back in the confines and privacy of their shared dorm that he let himself open up, heart pouring out for Derek to see, to the point where they didn’t know how to function when they had to pretend not to know such things about each other. “This is different. This is our futures. Besides, it’s the sort of fight we couldn’t keep up here. It would affect the whole team.”

Ransom stiffened for a moment, and when their eyes crossed, Derek knew both of them were thinking about all those altercations between Ransom and Holster the year before. Making life decisions was difficult.

“Nursey, bro, the main thing is you want what’s best for him.” There was a crack in his voice which betrayed a hint of emotion at the acknowledgement that Holster had only ever wanted the same for him. “And when it comes to privilege- I mean, fuck, have you spent so much time teaching yourself about classism that you’ve forgotten that you playing in the NHL will automatically put you on a Wiki page of Black players in the League? And you'll literally be like the third person with desi heritage. Hockey’s so fucking white, Nursey. You can’t let an opportunity like this pass you by because you’re trying to cater to your white boyfriend’s feelings.”

Derek nodded. He knew that it was true, but forcing himself to make a decision without factoring Dex in seemed impossible.

“Way I see it, Nursey, not talking to each other is making this decision more difficult than if you were. What if he’s thinking the exact same thing but he thinks you want him to go with you?”

“That’s the other thing, though!” Derek said, sitting up. “What if we can’t do long-distance? We’ve been living together in the same fucking room as each other ever since the second time we ever met. It’s not even just since we’ve been together, it’s since before that. We don’t know each other apart. We just went from hating each other’s guts to— to—”

“To disgustingly domestic?”

“Whatever. But we did all of that while living together, and the one summer we were apart was difficult enough and now we’re even closer and he’s my best friend and I don’t know how this would work. We don’t even—” His hand shook a little and he dug his fingernails into his palm as he tried to push the words out. “We probably have sex less than your average long-distance couple already.”

“Woah.” Ransom’s hand flew out and grabbed Derek’s, prising his fingers out of a fist. “That’s personal. You don’t need to tell me that.”

“But it’s relevant. What if we go all that time not seeing each other, and then when we do I’m not in the mood. Am I just supposed to expect him to be okay with that?”

“Dex knew what he was signing up for. If he really isn’t okay with that, he doesn’t deserve you, but I’m willing to bet Jack’s annual salary that he loves you, asexuality and all, and won’t begrudge it. Your relationship is way more than sex.” Derek knew he didn't look convinced, because Ransom let out a heavy sigh and continued. “Long-distance doesn’t work for everyone, right? But it does for some people, and you two— It’s up to you to make it work, eh? I know I’m the last person who should be giving advice on making it work considering my relationship couldn’t handle a move to Boston, but a lot of that was me not putting in the effort. I kept just thinking March and April have each other, so if I’m tired after another full day of med school, I don’t have to ring, or Holster’s got a game this weekend and it’s easier to get to that than it is to get to Samwell for their game, and what if I screw up his rituals by not being there? But if you put in the effort, and if you keep talking to each other, why shouldn’t you be able to manage it?”

Derek stared at a stain on the ceiling - the one which Holster insisted had been there before he moved into the attic, even though Ransom didn’t remember it being there to begin with despite it being right above where his top bunk had been. A long-distance relationship with Dex was incomprehensible to him after all this time of waking up next to him, and every time he tried to imagine it, doubts plagued his mind.

“Hey,” Ransom said softly, and Derek looked back at him. “This will be good for you. If you know you can get through this year, you can get through anything with him. If you can't, it's better to know now when you've both got a definite support system around and you'll have something to throw yourselves into. Otherwise, what? Five years down the line you've got kids to think about and you end up traded across the country from each other and realise that you actually don't know how to function apart?”

Derek nodded. “You're right. I know you are, it just makes me wonder why we have to change anything if we're happy.”

“Things change, bro, that's life. Don't turn down the opportunity to follow your dreams for love. Didn't La La Land teach you anything?”

“I didn't watch it.”

“Oh. Not everyone lives with Holster, eh?”

Derek snorted, but when he responded, it was with a sincere shrug. “He might be worth making new dreams for.”

“Nah, he isn't. Nobody's worth that unless they're willing to do anything they can to let you follow the ones you already have and if that's the case there's no point changing them. What difference does it really make doing it a year early? It's not like the odds of the same team signing you both is that great and it's probably lower signing the same year. You're allowed your own dream. You're allowed to want to give up on college for it and still think Dex should stick it out here. And he doesn't have to make his decision based on you thinking that but also you don't have to make your decision based on what Dex wants. Except you don't even know what he wants! You're just stressing over making sure he's happy and comfortable and please just think about why that's so fucked up.”

Derek’s breath hitched “I know. I know, okay. I'll talk to him. I'll tell him I'm doing it.”

“Good. You can fulfill my dream, too.”

When Derek looked over to see what Ransom meant, he was met with a mischievous grin. He narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“Well, I have a dream that one day—”

“Oh my God.”

“The Black boys and girls can play hockey with the white boys and girls.”

“That's already a thing.”

Ransom carried on as if Derek hadn’t said anything. “And I have a dream—”

“Are you really doing this, you absolute nerd?”

“That one day the Atlanta Thrashers won't be accused of reverse racism for hiring Black players.”

“Pretty difficult seeing as they aren't a team anymore.”

“But also that they won't only hire Black players to give themselves a particular fan-base.”

“Are you done?”

He grinned. “I don't know, are you convinced?”

Derek pushed himself off the bed. “Honestly, I'll do it. You're right. I have to do this; it's not an opportunity I can miss, and I want to do it now, not in a year when it'll just feel like wasting time.”

Ransom jumped up to hit him on the back. “Look at my little frog, all grown up and mature and ready to face the world.”

“You're so embarrassing,” Derek muttered as they started back down the stairs to rejoin the kegster. “Uh, but thanks.”

“Any time, bro. I mean that. You've got my number.”

They sidled up to Holster and Dex who each silently demanded if everything was okay. Derek swung himself up to sit on the arm of Dex’s chair, and placed his feet in his lap. The look Dex gave him said ‘we need to talk,’ but his fingers were gentle and reassuring as he ran them up Derek’s calves. Hopefully, they were on the same page.

[lecterofthelambs-blog]

this was suppose to be a one liner about how i just don’t have muse but then it turned out to be me typing to myself so these are just the thoughts that were in my head and i just let myself g o lol

anyway i don’t recommend reading this if you don’t like negativity because it’s like me @ing myself lmao

but seriously if ur one of those peeps who really doesn’t like seeing stuff like this don’t read it and then you can’t get mad at me 

but if you’re one of those people who likes hearing rants then this is a post for you

sometimes im like ‘ye you know i bet if i just started the series again i’d start picking up muse for hannibal and i can come back!’ and im like yeah all i gotta do is put in some effort to get my muse again but then i remember that it doesn’t really matter either way because this is such an easily replaceable character and WOW this is probably why i lost my muse bc mmmmmmmk

k

like y’all know what i mean right wowzers wo w ok right now this is me typiing talking to myself like okay so a while ago i had this dream where i was hannibal and i was invited to a party by...... hannibal like we were both hannibal ya know and anyway me and this other hannibal start hanging out and i just can’t satisfy him? he’s likE HARDCORE JUDGING ME LOL like i couldn’t do anything right and everything i did was incorrect and the guests were crowding around him more and i woke up like wozers THAT IS SOME  👌 👌 SYMBOLIC DREAM YOU GOT THERE BUDDY and i really hope no one is actually reading this bc lol this is just a rant to myself im just typing rn talking and it feels really nice letting out all this steam. anyway to this dream like IT TOTES SOUNDS LIKE IM MAKING THIS UP BUt is2g im not lmao anyway yeah that was my unconcious literally telling myself “u fuckin su kkk “ and i was like ‘tru’ you get you get

and then sometimes i’d go to my buds like “idk i feel really insecure about writing hannibal recently” and then people would just “oh well he’s a really popular charcter” and it was like OKAY COOL THAT IS ?? HELPFUL I WANT TO T H ANK YOU MY BRO i kn o w he’s popular that’s literally the reason im insecure u r not hlepinn

and then also when people use you for your muse ? like when one hannibal goes inactive then everyone scrambles to find another one like HE’S JUST SO REPLACEABLE and y’all can understand why that would make someone lose muse right? im not being salty rn right??

like. im not mad @ people when i see them rping with another hannibal ya know because that would be shitty and that wouldn’t be right. i am not PERSONALLY UPSET when people do that but it does......... i guess kinda like stings a bit. like, again, im not thinking “oh this specific person replaced me” it’s more of “im replaceable”. “im an easy person to replce” and TBH im not ?? salty @ people i have no one to blame but myself like what do i expect you get im not sitting here on my dash getting mad and feeling betrayed by old mutuals lol no that would be super shitty. i don’t expect people to wait by my blog for me to come back and i wouldn’t want them to either.

but it’s kinda like

have you ever had a friend and y’all had a falling out and then you see that friend hangin with a new peep and you’re like “ouch, we used to have something like that” THAT’S WHAT I FEEL it’s not “wow that bitch replaced me” at alllll

and i’ve considered..... ‘well maybe it’s that it’s a canon character that’s stressing you, babe, maybe you just don’t like having so many expectations and the threat of judgment’ and im like !! yeah man that’s true because i love my ocs!!! and then i think ‘well!!! just make a character like hannibal and have him be your babe and that’d be radrad’

and then i think about

and then im like

‘that’s literally just making a knockoff brand I WOULD BE MAKING A GREAT VALUE HANNIBAL LMAOOOOO’ but idk i’d have to work really hard on a character like that so he ISN’T like that and he’d have to come really naturally and i wouldn’t be able to force him

natural birth u get no inducers pls

wow this got

long

idk if anyone actually read this at all and if they did i doubt y’all got all the way here but

if u did

sup

i swear i try being a more positive person regularlly lol

i keep thinking as i type this imma be like ‘aND A NO THER THI NG’

but im chill rn

maybe my new years resolution should be be more positive and stop being a lil bitch l o l okay im done bye

[mancomplanblog]

For Gaikotsuger

Information on Angels, might edit later.

Amanda: Alright, so like different sources, different places people are talking about what the situation is.

Julia: For example, Maimonides in his Mishneh Torah, establishes that there are 10 ranks of angels. So meanwhile, in Christianity, the book of De Coelesti Hierarchia, which is On the Celestial Hierarchy, which is a beautiful title for a book.

Amanda: In Latin?

Julia: Yes.

Amanda: Cool.

Julia: Was written in the fourth or fifth century, and it acts as one of the most influential works defining the angelic hierarchy for Christianity.

Amanda: Wow.

Julia: The angels are later organized into orders that are known as Angelic Choirs.

Amanda: Huh.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: I always read Angelic Choir in the Bible as like some nice voices.

Julia: No. It's the literal hierarchal structure of the angels.

Amanda: That is wild.

Julia: Yeah. This whole episode is gonna be like that, where you're like, "That's not what I thought it was." And then you're wrong.

Amanda: Jules, you're such a good friend.

Julia: Using the New Testament, especially Ephesians and Collosians, Thomas Aquinus developed a schema that uses three spheres of angels.

Amanda: Thomas Aquinus, he's like, "How can I make sure motherfuckers 300 years from now are still quoting me every day?"

Julia: He wrote a lot of stuff down!

Amanda: He lived his whole life that way.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: It is ...

Julia: Bless him. Literally, bless him.

Amanda: I know, I'm making a lot of noises but his writing is incredible.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: And I cannot imagine having that much influence over so many people's lived experiences.

Julia: Yes, absolutely.

Amanda: Amazing.

Julia: So we're going to kind of talk about ... Specifically, what I'm going to talk about are the spheres, as defined by Tomas Aquinus.

Amanda: Alrighty.

Julia: So first thing, we're going to talk about the first sphere, and these are angels who are defined as, "Heavenly Servants to God." Specifically, one on one face time with God Himself.

Amanda: Yeah, like the hand-maiden, right? Or like the attendants, the butlers, the dressers?

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: I've been watching a lot of The Crown season two. What up? They're right there.

Julia: How's it going? How's The Crown season two going?

Amanda: It's a lot darker.

Julia: Okay.

Amanda: World War Two happens.

Julia: I mean, I understand.

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: At least they know what World War Two is now, because that was a thing in the first season.

Amanda: This is true.

Julia: Okay. First, on top of the sphere, are the Seraphim, which have references in Christian, Jewish and Islamic texts. Traditionally, they are the highest rank in the Christian hierarchy of angels, but they rank fifth of the 10 in the Jewish angelic hierarchy.

Amanda: Interesting.

Julia: Which I think is cool. I'm just like, "Oh, there's some mix-up here. I'm into it."

Amanda: Yeah, I wonder if it's like the different scholars ordering them on importance, or closest to God? Or is it the same sub-type of angel that is being differently ordered, or is it like the name being assigned to different groups?

Julia: In my mind, I'm thinking of it as like the standard in which the hierarchy is based off of -

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: - is different. So in Jewish angelic hierarchies, going to be holding different standards than the Christian angelic hierarchy.

Amanda: Yeah, like what makes a good servant?

Julia: Exactly.

Amanda: What is God, and when, and how, and where?

Julia: Yeah. So the Book of Isaiah describes a six-winged being that can fly - obviously, it's got wings - with two of the wings said to cover their faces, another two to cover their feet, and then the last two used to fly.

Amanda: Fascinating.

Julia: Their name literally translates to, "The Burning Ones".

Amanda: Oh man, are they like aflame?

Julia: In some imagery, they're portrayed as flying Asps that also have human characteristics.

Amanda: What is an Asp? I'm forgetting.

Julia: It's a snake.

Amanda: Okay.

Julia: So they're like snakes, but they have human faces.

Amanda: That's in Cleopatra, it's in Cleopatra, and I'm terrified.

Julia: Yep. You should be.

Amanda: Nope.

Julia: Modern Christian theology has developed the idea that Seraphim are beings of pure light that directly communicate with God.

Amanda: I mean, fire? It makes sense.

Julia: Absolutely. So the next that we're going to talk about are the Cherubim.

Amanda: Cherubs!

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: Yo! Pudgy babies.

Julia: No. Incorrect! So they are said to directly attend to God. They have four faces, one of a man, one of an ox, one of an eagle, and one of a lion, which would later become the symbols of the four evangelists.

Amanda: Whoa.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: I didn't know any of that.

Julia: They have four wings that are covered with eyes, they have a lion's body and they have the feet of an ox.

Amanda: Okay, I'm pretty sure this isn't true.

Julia: It's 100% true. Don't doubt me.

Amanda: What?

Julia: So the Cherubim, in modern interpretations, are often conflated with the Putti, which are human baby or toddler-like beings that are depicted with wings. So the Putti come from the Renaissance, basically. They're the classic, modern interpretation of what an angel should look like, this innocent, sweet thing that has little angel wings.

Amanda: Not a freaking Griffin-eagle hybrid.

Julia: I love the Griffin-eagle hybrid, though. It has eyes on its wings, like hundreds of eyes!

Amanda: I was blocking that part out, Jules.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: Like a scary, scary butterfly. First you give me snakes with human faces, now you give me should-be-a-baby-actually-a-four-faced-monster?

Julia: This is why we did this episode.

Amanda: And like, listen, I don't want to come down too hard on it. It sounds freaking badass.

Julia: Yeah, it does.

Amanda: But that's just very surprising. Also what are the eyes on the wings for?

Julia: Seeing into your soul.

Amanda: Better to see with, my dear?

Julia: Yeah, basically. So, interestingly, the imagery for this angel is said to come from the Hittite Griffith.

Amanda: Hold on, hold on. Now I'm thinking about the wings are like tiled in the eyes, and for some reason my brain just went to like, "How dope would it be if Baba Yaga's house also had like a tiled roof made of eyes?"

Julia: It would be horrifying.

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: It would definitely fit into her aesthetic.

Amanda: Thank you for validating my idea.

Julia: She has it on a mood board somewhere.

Amanda: It's in her Pinterest.

Julia: Yes.

Amanda: Please continue.

Julia: So the Hittite Griffin is actually a really interesting character, just in mythology in general, and it definitely pre-dates the idea of the Cherubim. It's said that it was the guardian of holy things, which really fits into the imagery for the Cherubim itself.

Amanda: Yeah. Guardian, fierce protector.

Julia: For sure.

Amanda: And also a watcher, speaking to the eyes.

Julia: Absolutely. So it was said that between the Cherub's heads, glowing coals moved between them, could be seen, and their fire went up and down and lightning burst from it.

Amanda: So like the inside of their head is coals?

Julia: No, like between the heads, so like the body.

Amanda: Oh no, it's all four heads at the same time? Oh, man. Oh, no.

Julia: Oh, yeah.

Amanda: I was picturing a cube-head situation, with like the faces rotating, which, arguably, is scarier.

Julia: That's pretty good, too.

Amanda: Yeah. And so I was picturing magma on the inside, faces kind of like glue-sticked to the outside, and when they turn you can see the coals.

Julia: That's amazing, but no.

Amanda: So all four heads, same time, human ... What are they?

Julia: Human, ox, eagle, lion. Yeah. Cherubim were also said to move like flashes of lightning. Which is really ...

Amanda: That makes me think of the Weeping Angels, and that's terrifying, as always.

Julia: According to Thomas Aquinus - cool, cool dude, love him -

Amanda: And like, listen, I love that you chose him to do this lens as well, because he was obviously such a student of history and theology, and so for him to kind of be like, "This is all the stuff that I think probably it is." He's read everything that there is, he's coming up with his own interpretation, and we get to kind of like live in that head-canon for a minute. I love it.

Julia: Yeah, so according to Thomas Aquinus, who is a real bro, Satan was a fallen Cherub.

Amanda: Huh. That's a pretty satanic image. We were raised, in Catholicism, to think of Satan.

Julia: Definitely.

Amanda: I mean, mostly we think of him as - at least I did - as like a humanoid, in the way that we think of God as a humanoid, but if we're thinking about hellfire and creatures and demons, you know? Look at a Cherub in this sort of body, and that's what you pictured.

Julia: It does kind of mess around with later interpretations, where people are like, "Oh, well Lucifer was the most beautiful of all the angels." But we're not talking about Lucifer, we're talking about Satan. Different person.

Amanda: For our listeners who certainly aren't me, who don't understand the difference, what is the difference?

Julia: So, interestingly, in the Bible, originally, Satan is a title, not a person.

Amanda: Oh. That makes sense.

Julia: Satan, in the literal translation, means, "The Advocate".

Amanda: Huh.

Julia: So he was someone who would put people through trials, in order to text their commitment to God.

Amanda: Wow. Like Lucifer-person, Satan-title, originally?

Julia: Not necessarily ... Lucifer, not necessarily in all contexts, was a Satan.

Amanda: Huh.

Julia: Yeah. Sometimes he just rebelled, sometimes that was just a thing.

Amanda: Fascinating.

Julia: It depends on the source, and Lucifer is ... Supposedly, is probably an Etruscan God. He means, "The Light-bringer".

Amanda: Wow.

Julia: It was probably one of those situations where his name was ...

Amanda: Got adapted into, yeah.

Julia: ...was adapted into Christianity, because they were like, "Well, they can't worship him."

Amanda: Let's make him bad.

Julia: So now he's bad.

Amanda: Huh, I really gotta read Paradise Lost one of these days, huh?

Julia: Yeah. The last type of angel in the first sphere are known as either Thrones or Elders. They're first mentioned by Paul the Apostle in Colossians, and are said to be the living symbols of God's justice and authority.

Amanda: What do they look like?

Julia: So they're referred to as Thrones, because that's one of their symbols.

Amanda: Okay.

Julia: It's just a throne.

Amanda: I was gonna say, it's one of their forms. I was gonna be like, "Wow, very specific."

Julia: Well, they're also depicted as flaming wheels at times, even appearing as a wheel within a wheel, and the rims of those wheels are covered in hundreds of eyes.

Amanda: We keep coming back to the hundreds of eyes.

Julia: There's a lot of eyes.

Amanda: And I cannot emphasize enough, Thomas, how terrifying is this?

Julia: Goddammit, Thomas.

Amanda: Thomas, Thomas, my buddy.

Julia: My dude.

Amanda: My dude.

Julia: My real bro.

Amanda: My friend, my good, good friend. Please stop with the eyes. But also, this version of the Thrones - Julia is crying, laughing on the floor - Reminds me of sick rims.

Julia: Sweet rims, bro.

Amanda: Like Pimp My Ride, style.

Julia: Some real Fast and Furious bullshit, here.

Amanda: I mean, I think that's the conclusive proof we need that the Fast and Furious franchise is, at least, one tier of God's will on Earth.

Julia: Okay.

Amanda: Prove me wrong.

Julia: I can't.

Amanda: Mic drop.

Julia: With all of my background in history and religion, I can't.

Amanda: There's sick rims, there's [imitating Vin Diesel] family.

Julia: No!

Amanda: This is a perfect melding of me having an impression, and also me knowing what happened in a movie, and it just took Julia by surprise.

Julia: Oh, no. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Amanda: And to cap off that sentence, there is also an inexplicable jaunt in Tokyo, so ... Fast and Furious. That's me.

Julia: Did we go to Tokyo yet?

Amanda: No, but like we will.

Julia: Oh, okay. Cool. I mean, eventually, on this podcast again, yeah.

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: Okay, so hundreds of eyes. In modern Christian theology, they appear as adoring, elderly men, who will listen to the will of God and present the prayers of men to God.

Amanda: Okay, alright.

Julia: They are also said to be the carriers of the throne of God, which is another reason that they have the name Throne.

Amanda: Like the physical carriers?

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: Alright. Alright. I see the wheel, you know? Makes sense.

Julia: So we're moving on to the second sphere.

Amanda: Alright.

Julia: And the second sphere are specifically known as, "The Heavenly Governors of Creation". They guide and rule spirits.

Amanda: I mean, that's a translation that makes sense.

Julia: Yeah, I believe so. So the first one are Dominions, or Lordships, and they are in charge of watching over the duties of the lower angels, and having very little interaction with actual human beings.

Amanda: They're managers?

Julia: That ... Literally, I wrote, "They are the middle-managers of the angels."

Amanda: Nice.

Julia: I love you. So it's extremely rare that angelic lords make themselves physically known to humans, they are said to look like beautiful humans with a pair of feathered wings, but are also distinguished from other groups of angels by the orbs of light that they wield, which are attached to the heads of their scepters, or the pommels of their swords.

Amanda: Sounds like a Shillelagh in Dungeons and Dragons.

Julia: That's correct.

Amanda: Love it.

Julia: The next group are called Virtues, or Strongholds, and they are angels in charge of making signs and miracles known to the mortal world.

Amanda: So the traditional, sort of like heralding of a Divine Pronouncement?

Julia: Yes.

Amanda: Or like a Divine Interaction with the physical world?

Julia: Here is an actual description of the Virtues from the De Coelesti Hierarchia, which is kind of rambly but here we go. It's like all in Latin, so ...

Amanda: Classic Thomas.

Julia: This wasn't Thomas, but yeah.

Amanda: Classic Thomas.

Julia: The name of the Holy Virtues signifies a certain power and unshakeable virility, welling forth into all of their God-like energies. Not being weak and feeble for any reception of the Divine Illuminations granted to it, mounting upwards in fullness of power to an assimilation of God. Never falling away from the Divine Life through its own weakness, but ascending unwaveringly to the super-essential Virtue, which is the Source of Virtue.

Amanda: Wow. That probably was more poetic in the original.

Julia: Probably.

Amanda: But I do like that idea of whether you're talking about power or holiness or magic or whatever, being so powerful that like a puny, human body can't handle it. You know? Like we talk all the time about Ark, and a love of like physical and grounded magic.

Julia: Hell yeah.

Amanda: And in the Dresden Files, or other books where you get completely worn out after performing big magic, I think that makes total sense. And so, to have these angels sort of praised for their physical fortitude, because they are able to kind of go back and forth between those worlds and hold the fullness of God or whatever in their bodies, that's pretty dope.

Julia: That reminds me of the book that I'm reading right now, which is called Children of Blood and Bone. It is excellent, very, very good book. But in that book series, magic is almost like a muscle that you have to keep working and flex, and if you don't use it for long enough, you basically can't use your magic.

Amanda: Wow.

Julia: And in order to refine your magic, you have to use it more and more and more, and practice to make perfect. Which I like the idea of physical exertion the more it works better.

Amanda: Yeah. It's a good example of practice, right? That's a thing that we try to teach kids, but especially as an adult, where I think either I'm good at it or not, that kind of absolute thinking is very easy to do when you fail at a thing once. Like it's just hard for our brains to grasp the idea that we're gonna try and try and try, and fail and fail and fail, and that helps us succeed more, not to fail more. You know what I mean?

Julia: I know.

Amanda: So it's cool that that's kind of reinforced here.

Julia: I like that, that's a good interpretation. Thank you, friend.

Amanda: Thanks.

Julia: So the next and last group of the second sphere is the Powers, or Authorities, and they were meant to supervise the movements of the heavenly bodies in order to ensure that the Cosmos remain in order.

Amanda: I love it, the air-traffic controllers. I love it.

Julia: It's really, really dope. So they are also warrior angels, and oppose evil spirits, especially those that make use of the matter of the universe, and are often cast evil spirits to detention places of sorts.

Amanda: I love that. They're not just the, "Boring, office types that keep everything running on time." Which is like my job as an actual person, but also they are badass warriors.

Julia: Yeah, and that's usually how they're represented. So they're usually represented as soldiers wearing full armor and a helmet, and they're usually carrying either defensive or offensive weapons, such as shields, spears and chains.

Amanda: Amazing.

Julia: Powers are also said to be the keepers of history, and were completely loyal to God, whereas other spheres of angels could fall from grace, Ephesians says that no Power has ever fallen from Heaven.

Amanda: Incredible, yes. 10 out of 10, I am one of them, they are me.

Julia: Me. Yeah, same. I was gonna be like, "We should tag ourselves at the end." Like, "I pick Powers." So they also oversee the distribution of power among mankind, which I think is so cool!

Amanda: That is, especially if you think of them as like ... Picture like a nuclear power plant or something, where someone is sitting at like a big desk with lots of valves and things that they can adjust, and they're making sure that the Cosmos operate on schedule, you know? And that they are correctly distributing energy in the worlds, of course that will translate to power amongst humans as well, because human actors are like little mistakes waiting to happen, and little balls of chaos that you have to kind of keep contained. I think it's so logical that those things would go together.

Julia: Yeah. This kind of reminds me, and again, I'm gonna go on a little bit of a tangent of a really interesting character, actually one of my favorite minor characters in Our Fair City.

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: Which, if you've heard our episode with Geoffrey Gardner, you know a little bit about Our Fair City, but post-apocalyptic, basically like a business ... A life insurance company takes over a city, and is running it in sort of this dystopian way, and one of the characters is known as The Switcher. So they're having power outages and stuff like that, and there's a problem, and he's this character that kind of takes over and uses his powers for good because he controls where the power goes. And he's like, "You want to take power away from the hospitals? No, we're not gonna do that, and I'm gonna make sure that people get fed in these times of need."

Julia: And it's like just a really interesting character, and that's kind of how I picture the Powers.

Amanda: Yeah, and if we want to get really big about it, and why not? Big wars are fought in small places, you know?

Julia: Yes.

Amanda: And it's like municipal government, right? And local representation, and advocacy, and door-to-door voter engagement that actually wins elections and changes governments, and like changes the way that a country operates, and so it is super not a sexy thing to work in logistics, or to work in management, or to do these things that we think of as just kind of like taking care of themselves, but that's where true heroism and altruism and advocacy happen. Like yes, you have to have figure-heads, yes you have to have big, daring, heroic acts, but lots and lots more people can and do make a difference on the sort of smaller scale.

Julia: Yeah. I think that's a really, really good point, and I think that the Powers aren't the highest in the spectrum of the hierarchy here, but they play a really important role, and they're also the most badass, I think, on this list, but that's just me.

Amanda: I love it.

Julia: We're gonna get into the third sphere in just a second, you want to get a refill?

[Theme music]

Amanda: Let's do it. Julia, this week we are sponsored by Rx Bar, which several of our listeners tried last time, and said that they absolutely loved it, which I'm so stoked about, because I also love it.

Julia: Yes!

Amanda: Actually, today, going to Easter brunch, I was very hungry and I happened to have a coconut flavored Rx Bar in my backpack, which I ate, I didn't get any weird indigestion, I didn't get a bizarre, unsustainable sugar high, because Rx Bars are super transparent, and they are made of actual ingredients, egg-whites, dates, nuts, etc. Cacao, coconut, whatever the flavor is, they just print it right on the label, that's what's in it. No weird stuff, and they're delicious.

Julia: Yeah, I actually, every time I go to the gym, I like to work out with a little bit of something in my stomach, but not a lot of something in my stomach, otherwise I get all nauseous and stuff, you know what I mean? Rx Bar is the perfect pre and post workout snack for me, I just down those peanut butter flavored ones in a heartbeat, they're my favorite thing in the world.

Julia: And the nice part is it turns out real food is actually good for you, and also tastes good. Shockingly, you can actually ... When you bite into an Rx Bar, taste the cacao, taste the real fruit, taste the spices, and that's because they're not hiding behind all of these ridiculous, fake ingredients, they're real and up front.

Amanda: Yeah, just like us, there is no b.s., there's no added sugar, they are gluten-free and soy-free and dairy-free, which is really nice, because I am lactose-intolerant and there is milk and wey and stuff in pretty much everything. So whether you're into sweet or savory, or like chocolatey stuff, or fruity stuff, there are flavors for you. And Spirits listeners can get 25% off their first order at rxbar.com/spirits with the promo code, "Spirits" at checkout.

Julia: Yeah, get a peanut butter one on me, or get a coconut one on Amanda.

Amanda: Yeah, and tweet us and tell us what flavor is your favorite. Like the texture's great, the flavor's great, I'm honestly such a big fan of these things.

Julia: Yeah, they're awesome and we're so glad that they're sponsoring Spirits.

Amanda: Yeah, so thank you again, that's rxbar.com/spirits, with the promo code, "Spirits", for 25% off your first order. Now, let's get back to the show.

[Theme music]

Julia: So Amanda, we're going into the final sphere, and this is the third sphere. Those members of the third sphere act as heavenly guides, protectors, and messengers to human beings.

Amanda: Alright, so the sorts of angels we probably read about in the New Testament.

Julia: Exactly.

Amanda: Yeah.

Julia: So the first one is the Principalities, or Rulers, and they are angels said to guide and protect nations, groups of people or institutions, such as the church. A single Principality rules over abandoned angels, and is the one that gives them orders in order to have them fulfill the Divine Ministry. Do you know what I mean?

Amanda: Yes, like the person issuing what we're gonna be doing.

Julia: Yes, they're the divine administrators.

Amanda: Hey!

Julia: Which is adorable. So they are the middle-managers of angels.

Amanda: Okay.

Julia: They are shown wearing a crown and hold a scepter, and they also are said to carry out orders given to them by upper-sphere angels, and give blessings to the material world.

Amanda: That is very cool.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: You know, Jules, I really want to know where scepters came from, like where did this idea come from, power for people?

Julia: I have no idea.

Amanda: You know? Like between Moses, it has often like a stick as he's leading people through the desert, and like parting the ...

Julia: He has a staff, yeah, but that's like ... He's a poor man.

Amanda: And so I understand, from that perspective, that like a walking stick is useful, and that's probably where that comes from, or like a staff for fighting or herding cattle and stuff.

Julia: Yeah, but a scepter is just like ... It's very ceremonial.

Amanda: Elevated staff, like what is the origin?

Julia: I don't know.

Amanda: People who know more than us about this, please email us, spiritspodcast@gmail.

Julia: Jim probably knows.

Amanda: Jim, let us know.

Julia: So they are the educators and guardians of the Earth, and they inspire living things to create both in the arts and the sciences.

Amanda: Oh, man!

Julia: Yeah!

Amanda: Thanks. I like creating stuff.

Julia: I do like creating stuff, that's why we do this.

Amanda: Hey!

Julia: We have a good Principality looking over us. You just did a fist bump to your chest and then peaced at the sky.

Amanda: I did.

Julia: Just for our listeners' sake.

Amanda: I did, and now when I see football people doing that, players, in fact, I will ...

Julia: I love those football people.

Amanda: I will ... Maybe the coaches, maybe the Gatorade boys and girls, I don't know. But I'll picture them looking up at the sky and thinking of Principality.

Julia: Next are the Archangels.

Amanda: Oh, these guys I've heard of.

Julia: I was gonna say, they're probably the most well-known of the angels, but they're actually only slightly above the common angel.

Amanda: Huh.

Julia: In the Bible, the term, "Archangel" only appears twice, in Theolosians and in Jude, and only one Archangel is given a name in the New Testament, and that is Michael.

Amanda: Yes.

Julia: Yes. You were pointing at me, were you going to interject, and say Michael?

Amanda: I was gonna say Gabriel.

Julia: Nope.

Amanda: But then I recovered.

Julia: So later Christian traditions say that Gabriel was also an Archangel, as was Rafael.

Amanda: Yes. One of the Ninja Turtles.

Julia: Yep, one of the Ninja Turtles.

Amanda: As is commonly known.

Julia: There were said to be ...

Amanda: I'm really sorry about the Gallagher. I really tried to listen at the time.

Julia: There were said to be seven Archangels all together, the others included Uriel, who was never mentioned in the western Christian Bible, but plays a really large role in Anglican and Russian orthodox churches.

Amanda: Huh.

Julia: These seven Archangels are said to be the guardian angels of nations and countries, and are concerned in the politics, military-matters, and commerce and trade.

Amanda: It makes a lot of sense that there would be a smaller group, or like round-table, of these Principalities. Of these Archangels, if they are influencing such huge events.

Julia: I agree, yeah, 100%. I should have probably gone into more, you know, Michael is known as the Angel of Death and stuff like that, and I wish I did but I didn't. Sorry. The next are just angels, just plain angels.

Amanda: Common angels.

Julia: So they are the lowest order of angels.

Amanda: No.

Julia: They are concerned with the affairs of living things, and are primarily just the messengers to humanity, appearing to people with messages from the heavens.

Amanda: But those are the angels that human beings talk about and pray for, you know?

Julia: Yes.

Amanda: And like wear necklaces of?

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: So I think there's an interesting thing to be said here, too, where if you're running a business, you can be in the board room all you want but the way that people form opinions about your business is the folks that they interact with every single day.

Julia: That's true.

Amanda: The cashiers and the bank-tellers and the gas station attendants, those are the people that represent to the average person the sum-total of your entire organization, it's not the CEO.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: It's like who you talk about every single day.

Julia: Right.

Amanda: I think that's a valuable lesson that more people at companies should think about. I don't know, like paying your workers fair wages and ...

Julia: Livable wage.

Amanda: Their benefits, and vacation, and maternity leave, and parental bonding leave.

Julia: No one cares that you flipped over your m's to make w's for women, McDonald's. Just saying, just saying.

Amanda: Capitalism's a lie.

Julia: Capitalism is a lie. Personal guardian angels are probably fairly well-known, at least in western culture, these are not any specific order from the plain angels, but rather are given a specific human to watch over their day-to-day affairs.

Amanda: So it's not like a special kind of angel, it's just like, "Hey angel, this is your person."

Julia: It's just regular angel, and then they're like, "Hey, you watch that guy." It is a common belief that they are assigned to every human being, whether or not they're religious in the Abrahamic sense or not, it is never specified whether or not they guard multiple humans during their existence or just one. Which, you'd have to assume that they're ... If their person dies, it's not just like, "Well, I'm done. I don't have to watch any human being ever again."

Amanda: I mean, population is only growing, so I assume they would be given a newborn babe, but eight billion angels is a lot of angels.

Julia: Yeah, that's a lot of angels.

Amanda: At the same time though, you really want to connect ... What if the angel had a really boring person? That would suck. What if a person had a really bad angel? That would also suck.

Julia: Well, can the angels be bad, though?

Amanda: I suppose you're right, it's the whole Christian ...

Julia: Because that's how, supposedly, we get demons. But I'm like, "Whatevs." It's fine.

Amanda: You better ask Dan Brown about that.

Julia: We should ask Dan Brown about that angels and demons specification?

Amanda: Boom.

Julia: I hate you.

Amanda: I love you.

Julia: In Zoroastrianism, each person has one guardian angel, which is known as a Fravashi, and they manifest God's energy and don't convey messages, specifically, but rather just the energy of Ahura Mazda, which is their God-like figure.

Amanda: That's pretty cool though, like you decide for yourself what you do with that energy? They are here to make sure that you are inspired and connected, sort of like plugged into the bigger source of the universe.

Julia: To the Matrix of the universe? I agree. So that's angels.

Amanda: Wow, angels are a lot more complex in the tradition we were raised in than I realized.

Julia: Yeah.

Amanda: I know, I pictured just kind of like in white robes, blonde, male figure, coming down to herald some kind of pronouncement. But I love this idea of angels having managers and meetings.

Julia: Or being wheels with hundreds of eyes?

Amanda: Again with the hundreds of eyes, I'd forgotten it temporarily.

Julia: It's what we're here for. Nope. I'm here to remind you about the hundreds of eyes.

Amanda: Read The Seventh Tower by Garth Nix, it's very important.

Julia: And remember, stay creepy.

Amanda: Stay cool.