#like they need to stop nerfing her and just make the other healers just as effective as she is in some way

[ellemany]

Valorant Drunk Headcanons

Relax, they are all over 21

... I guess

I wanted to write these Headcanons a looooong time ago and my vacations are almost over so, let's see if i can rush all the headcanons that i want to do

First, i must say that this author never been drunk in her whole life... Like... I guess. Every time i drink hot chocolate with brandy is... Confusing. (One day i will give you the recipe, it is pretty great) So, all that i wrote here are just perceptions that i had from my drunk friends (Oh i love watch they <3)

The consume of alcohol is an interesting cultural habit around the world. I will research more in the future, but every country has it owns habits for drinking. Like in France, the consume of wine it's so common that isn't even consider as an alcoholic drink, it is just food. (Tell this to my cousin who got drunk after one cup of wine) And in Germany has the famous Oktoberfest, a beer festival (My friends dream goals). Some agents probably are hard to get drunk. So, in a general, I'll consider that everyone here will get at that moment where they release their characteristic drunker.

More important then drinking alcohol is to drink water. So drink water first, maybe get some drink that you like and go high with me

First, there's Sage, our healer!

Sage hates that the other agents get drunk. Mostly, because they got the bad symptoms of it and Sage must take care of everyone.

Reyna vomiting while Sage is holding her hair: Thanks SaGUFFFFFFFFFF

Sage: Yeah Yeah whatever.

But, sometimes, Sage gets so done that she herself down a bottle.

(In a quick research, i found that one of the alcoholic drinks with the higher alcohol content in China is "Baiju", a type of brandy. Sage needs one of these sometimes)

Sage is the chaotic truthful drunk. If you don't want to get several hurtful truths in your face, don't even talk to her. She will say everything for free.

Sage: yOu KNoW *hiccup* I'm goooooonNa sAY iY! My lIFe WoULd bE SOOOooooo easiiiiIIIIER If *hiccup* yOu gUyS USe YouR DAMN bRAiN! JuSt FOr ONCE!! LIKE *hiccup* hELl YorU yOu cOUlD bE MOrE UsEfUL! *hiccup*

She's talking about Yoru, so let's go for him!

Yoru loves to drink, but he hates to get drunk. He take care to not get drunk but, when other agents provoke him to get in a drink competition, he enters. Especially to prevent that Neon ,his little sister, get too high.

Yoru is the sad drunk. Remember when Buzzlightyear was in his Mrs. Nesbitt phase? Yoru is exactly like this.

No one:

Not a single soul:

Drunk Yoru:

(Woody is Phoenix, when he was half sober. They were trying to go to their rooms without made much noises.)

He talks about how he pretends to be totally badass but he is actually so nerfed that even Cypher (Drunk Yoru: THAT GODDAMN MOROCCAN KAKASHI) is more useful than him.

It is what it is. I let to you to decide if what he is saying truths or bullshit.

Now Cypher; when he managed to get drunk he never stops talking.

( Actually, everybody knows that Cypher occasionally drinks, but nobody ever saw him drinking. There's a bet between the agents if anyone can get a photo of Cypher drinking. Until this day, nobody won the bet, but Cypher definitely got drunk multiple times.)

However, there a few things about drunk talkative Cypher.

A - He talks in various ways. Sometimes is too slow, sometimes is too fast, sometimes is loud as a soccer crowd, sometimes is low as a whisper.

B - He is a polyglot drunk. Cypher speaks more than one language fluently. So, when he's drunk, he starts to talk in Darija and Spanish, but with Arabic and French grammar rules, using English slangs. In his mind, everything makes sense.

C - He often forgets what he was saying. If you managed to understand what he is saying, you discover that he is telling some embarrassing story about one of the agents. It's super interesting and his pray is random! Once, he was telling about the time that Chamber lost a jokenpô match with Cypher and had to enter in a competition. A weird one. But when Cypher would said what Chamber got into...

Cypher: Yo... Yo no me recuerdo. (I... I don't remember.)

Killjoy (who made a decoder): YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME!!

Chamber create a decoder too for know when he must stop Cypher when he tries to tell this story. It's a hard project, but no one must know about that dark age.

Chamber is a flirt drunk. He naturally flirts with everybody, but when he gets drunk, this characteristic accentuate.

Chamber: Ooooooh Breachy Breachy, lovely Breachy, why you don't want to sleep with me? It will be soooooooo good. I promise. Plus you're the only one here that didn't fuck with me yet.

Spoiler: He is not the only one.

Breach is the drunk who feels like Superman. And he often forgets that not all of his body is made of steel.

Breach: HEY WHO WANTS TO SEE ME JUMP FROM A BUILDING?? *He said, already going up the stairs *

Brimstone: NO!

Cypher on the background: Yafeal a voltereta! ("Do a flip!")

Another drunk who needs babysitting is Neon. Remember that Yoru wanted to take care of her? Is because she is the fighter drunk.

Neon: AYO! WhY r U lOOOkiNG *almost falls* aT Me LiKe tHIs? WaNnA FiiiiiIGHt?? *she's talking with a model on a outdoor*

Neon isn't the best at fighting sober, she's a runner after all. However, the thing is, Neon is a drunken fist master. It's better to prevent her to get high than trying to control her, because she will think that you want to fight. Jett ended with a black eye once and Neon never cried so much in a hangover.

(If you don't know the Drunken Fist, I'll just let Rock Lee and Jackie Chan talk by themselves)

Jett also loves to drink, but hates to get drunk, like Yoru. That's because she became extremely slow. Her movements looks heavy and she takes an eternity to talk.

Jett: Sooooooooooooooo-me oooooooooooo-neeeeeeee geeeeeeeetttsssssss *pause to breath* meeeeeeeeeeeee mooooooooooooorreeeeeeeeeeee...?

Phoenix is totally the arrogant drunk. His ego elevates in a nineth potence when he gets high.

Phoenix: Hahahahahaha *hiccup* My bruvs don't know how to *hiccup* driiink like the daddy here! *hiccup* Yeah Yeah I'm the KING! DID YOU HEAR IT TOASTER??? I'M THE KING!! *falls on the ground* This was... *hiccups and close his eyes for a moment* Falling with style.

Yeah, whatever that makes you sleeps at night, Phoenix.

Anyway, Sova is the drunk who denies that he his drunk. He often calls the other agents to drink, so he gets the responsibility to take care of everyone for himself. He usually do a great job babysitting the drunks (even if Neon punch him). But, you know, he still human and sometimes want to down a bottle for his sanity.

Sova: I AM THE HUNTERRRR!!! No... WaIT! WrrrrrrONg LiNe! *drinks some more * I AM... RRRRRRRusSIan! I... A moMEnT *drinks again* BetTERR. I dON'T gEt Drrrrrrrr-UnK!

Reyna has a high alcohol tolerance. And, because of it, she often drinks too much. She's the non-stop drunker.

Everybody: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

Reyna, in her 23th bottle?: *ends another drink* WHO WANTS TO CHALLENGE ME?? I DARE YOU ALL!

Sage in the corner: 3... 2... 1...

Reyna: *faints*

Oh yeah, she's also the sleepy drunk.

Skye is the chaotic happy drunk. The complete opposite of Yoru.

Skye: LIFE IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! WE SHOULD ALL DANCE AND SING!

Happy flower Gojo is drunk Skye.

Astra gets really happy when she is drunk. And she accepts anything that is proposal to her. Drunk fight? She'll do with a hand in her back. Drinking competition? You'll see what she got. Jump from a building? Why not jump from the cosmos?

However, Astra is very responsible when she is dealing with the balance of the universe and the balance of her friends. Even when she's drunk she can babysit everybody. If she gests too high, she can enter in the Astral plan for recover her sober consciousness.

Chamber: Mademoiselle Astrra! Do you...

Astra: Nope.

(Usually, she gets in the Astral plan when Chamber starts to chat with her. He is her red flag before she do something that she will be deaply regreted in the future)

Brimstone is the best drunk storyteller that you ever meet. No wonder why Sova insist for him telling his stories while he is drinking.

Brimstone: ... And then i had to held then in my shoulders. One hand holding the body and a car door in the other. I'd have to face the gunfire. *Looks to the horizon, drinking* It wasn't a good day to die, and I must die in an amazing fucking day. I've survived many gunfire's, that one would be one more in my list. But it would be the first gunfire that i was wearing bunny ears. * Drinks more *

The kids agents, listening:

( "Where did he got the car door?")

Killjoy gets all philosophical when she is drunk.

Killjoy: Ice is water. *hiccup* However... Water isn't ice.

But the good thing of her philosophical mode is, as drunk as she get, more easily she found the answers that she need. When she is almost getting in a drunk coma, she reach the illumination.

Killjoy: How anybody never found the question for the life, the universe and everything? Oh meine güte it's so obvious! It's...

Raze: IF YOU LIKE PIÑA COLADAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Oh, didn't I told you? Raze is the loudest drunk ever.

Viper hates to get drunk. She can't focus on anything or be productive. It's a type of weakness for her. However, she really likes Chamber's fancy wines. One glass of it is never enough. And wine is tricky, since you don't feel the alcohol effects like other drinks. So, yes, Viper still gets drunk. And a drunk Viper is one of the most incredible things you'll ever see. She just gets... Calm. She leave out all the rest and enjoy what she is living.

Her drunk smile is easy. Not mischievous, sadist or ironic. It is just a smile. A beautiful one.

Viper: You're... funny... *smiles*

Everybody: *Dies in cuteness*

Omen can drink. DON'T ASK HOW. But he can. He doesn't seem to get drunk at all. However, his smoke gets in a gray tone and (what I think that are) his eyes become light blue.

When Omen gets drunk, he blush, in his own spectral way. It is as cute as Viper smiling.

Kay/O, unfortunately, doesn't gets drunk. You know, robot thing. However, he records the manners of the drunk agents. So, for messing with they (what he does often), he reproduce their drunk behavior.

Kay/O : Hahahahahaha *hiccup in robot* My bruvs don't know how to *hiccup in robot* driiink like the daddy here! *hiccup in robot* Yeah Yeah I'm the KING! DID YOU HEAR IT TOASTER??? I'M THE KING!! *falls on the ground* This was... *hiccups and close his screen* Falling with style.

Jett: IT IS EXACTLY LIKE THIS HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Kay/O: Yo know? *hiccup in robot* The view here is amazing. * lay down * Twinkle Twinkle Little Star One day maybe you shine like I

Yoru: This shit is so accurate!

Phoenix: ... Please stop.

And, I guess that's all folks!

Hangover headcanons next, maybe?

+ Bônus¹: These headcanons are inspired in a video where the Brazilian voice actors of Sova, Sage and Cypher play Valorant. One of my favorite parts are they doing their characters voice lines if they're drunk. In my opinion, for all the times that the agents canonically talk about drinking after the work, these lines should became canon too.

+ Bônus²: Tradition is Tradition. Next Act we will have BountyHunter in the game and (besides the fact that she mentally tortured my babies, like, who never?) she certainly will be invited to drink too. What about a bad guess about her drunk style? Drunk BountyHunter is the main font of gossips between the agents. Unlike Cypher, she will make sure that everyone knows exactly what she's talking about. With many details. That's how everyone discover about Yoru's Pokémon Pajamas and Reyna's comfort pet, a white bunny named Estrellita. (Little Star)

Yoru and Reyna also hate BountyHunter.

Aaaand yep that's it

Cheers to the next time we see ₍ᐢ•ﻌ•ᐢ₎

[lol-despair]

Also. Playing Ana/D.va on attack and Sym on defence is good for my soul

[vs-redemption]

I though of another thing lmao. I play a lot of video games too lol

But Dabi x Healer!Reader

(I was thinking of mercy from ow so reader has the ability to heal and damage boost her allies and revive them from the dead. - I would say to nerf that for the story it would depend on how long and how they died) - 🐱❤️

From Cindy:  🐱anon! I love you and miss you!! I’m sorry it took so long to get to this! I’ve been a busy bee recently and have had some writers block but I’m feeling very refreshed now! I had fun writing about our favorite burnt villain boy, and I hope you like how this turned out!  ❤️ ❤️

Partners (Dabi x GN!Reader)

Dabi was not ashamed to admit that his only reason for recruiting you into the league of villains was to use you for your quirk. It seemed like your powers had almost been designed specifically to support his goals and make up for his weaknesses. His intense blue flames caused severe damage to his body, but your healing touch could fully recover him in an instant. And anything in his path that could somehow withstand the heat of his flames would be burnt to ash instantly with a simple boost from your quirk. You were the perfect tool, and he had fully planned on capitalizing on that.

“I trust you to find people to support our cause,” Shigaraki had told him in the beginning, “but don’t you think this person is just going to be a liability in a fight?”

It was a concern he and Dabi had shared and was the biggest drawback to allowing you to join the team. You couldn’t defend yourself and would need to rely on the other villains to keep you safe whenever things got dangerous. If there was anything Dabi hated more than anything, it was pretending to care about other people. It was bad enough he had to stomach Shigaraki and the others, but at least he could trust them to hold their own in a battle. In exchange for your incredible abilities, you were going to be a constant thorn in his side. However, the pros outweighed the cons and he ultimately ended up agreeing to let you join.

At first, he thought he might’ve made a big mistake. You got along a little too well with the others, and ideally he wanted you to prioritize him over everyone else. Unfortunately, he was awful at faking interest and carrying conversations about anything that wasn’t related to himself, so building any sort of connection with you felt basically impossible. After some thought, he decided to keep his distance as much as possible unless interaction was absolutely necessary. As long as you remembered why he’d recruited you in the first place, and used your quirk the way he’d intended, he’d be satisfied.

Dabi was very familiar with rage. It was the emotion that had kept him constant company since he was a small child, and the emotion that fueled and motivated him whenever things got too painful or difficult. However, as familiar as he was with rage, he’d never learned how to control it when something triggered an outburst. So, when you refused to give his flames a boost during a particularly intense showdown with the heroes, he’d gone completely ballistic. Even without your powers, the intensity of his quirk has been magnified causing his flames to go wild. The anger had consumed him so completely that not even a direct order from Shigaraki had been able to stop him from unleashing the waves and waves of blue fire. The heat was so overbearing that both the heroes and villains had been forced to retreat.

Back at the hideout, you did your best to keep Shigaraki calm while you tended to the wounds incurred during the fight, including some nasty burns on Twice’s arms from when he’d tried to approach Dabi and reason with him. The fire wielder in question had not returned to the base with the others, choosing to continue on the warpath until someone managed to stop him or he wore himself out. He was surprised when it was you who came back out a few hours later to retrieve him from the dark alley way he’d hidden himself away in. Despite his exhaustion and the excruciating pain all over his entire body, he went right back on the defensive as soon as he saw your face.

“You must have a death wish!” His says through a grimace. A ball of fire appears in his hand threatening, but you could see the steam coming off of his skin from how much he’d overused his quirk already.

“From where I’m standing, I’d say it’s you with the death wish,” you frown. “How much longer do you think your body can hold out if you continue like this?”

“That’s none of your business!” Dabi snaps and takes a shaking step forward. “I only allowed you to join our cause so that you could support us in fights.”

“And I will lend you my support when it is beneficial to the cause,” you fold your arms and fix him with a hard glare. “The league needs you. But look at how your raw power affects your body on its own. If I boosted your quirk, you’d be a pile of ash and bones in an instant.”

“That’s not your call to make,” Dabi growls before his flame sputters out and he stumbles forward. You put your arms out instinctively to catch him, but the heat coming from his skin is painful to the touch. You help him to the ground as gently as you can and carefully start to heal his wounds. Thankfully he doesn’t protest.

“It is my call to make if it affects me,” you argue as you hover your hands over his skin. “My quirk has limits just like anybody else’s. Do you really expect me to help you destroy yourself knowing it’s going to be my responsibility to fix you again afterwards?”

Dabi hoped that was a hypothetical question. What he expected was for you to do whatever he asked, whether it put physical strain on you or not. He did understand your thought process though. His quirk was both a blessing and a curse, and the level of his power was closely tied to the intensity of his emotions. It was definitely possible that a boost to his flames could push him a little too far.

“You know,” you plop down next to him on the dirty ground once you finish doing what you can for his burns, tired from exerting yourself more than usual that day. “Maybe instead of testing the limits of your mortality, you could just try relying on your allies instead.” You glance over at him to see a scowl take over his features, and when he finally turns to meet your gaze you simply smile. “Even if you only put your trust in one single person, you might find that accomplishing your goals becomes far easier. I’m sure you’re not the only one in our group with ulterior motives, so working with someone rather than against could be mutually beneficial.”

Trust was not something Dabi had much experience with. He wasn’t sure he could trust another person, and it probably wasn’t safe for other people to trust him either. Still though, an under the table partnership might not be a bad idea, and was part of his original plan for you anyway. He wasn’t a fan of compromises, and you didn’t seem like the type to be easily bullied into compliance, but having someone working with him specifically rather than indirectly through Shigaraki might prove useful. And if things didn’t work out, he could always ditch you later. Or perhaps you were even more perfectly matched with him than he originally thought. In which case, it might be possible for him to learn how to do that pesky ‘trust’ thing. Only time would tell.

[kaminobiwan]

in sickness and health

pairing: obi-wan kenobi x jedi!reader

summary: Confined to a day in bed, Obi-Wan is enlisted to keep you company. Featuring mild spoonfeeding I make no apologies

a/n: First off, THANK YOU FOR 300 FOLLOWERS! WOW oh my goodness that happened so fast. I’m still working through the prompts from my 175/200 follower celebration (of which this is a part of), and I can’t wait to figure out a way to celebrate this milestone as well! I’m so grateful to all of the support and love I’ve gotten so far; your kindness and readership means the world to me, and I’m so glad to share my stories with you :-) Without any further ado, here is the return of Padawan!Obi....and if you’d like to join his fanclub, might I direct you to my co-president @highlycommendable lovely dove

Before I forget, taglist masterlist all that shite. Enjoy my bubs

On his way back to the dormitories after an early morning meditation session, Obi-Wan hears arguing.

Though it’s not uncommon to hear discord in the wing of the temple where the Padawans make their residence, it isn’t the usual ruckus of Quin and Kit wrestling, or Shaak Ti demanding to know who had taken her Akul-tooth headdress again.

This time, it’s the voice of a Master filling the halls, berating his student with fond persistence.

“Padawan, my word is final.” Obi-Wan turns the corner as Plo Koon raises a talon at a figure huddled in blankets in the doorway. “You are too ill to travel.”

“But I’m almost better! And Shaak’s told me so much about the Togruta, and I want to see how big of an Akul she’s killed!” He recognizes the protests coming from your distinct yet muddled voice, and his vision confirms his guess as you come into sight, fabric draping across your body like a spirit. “I promise I’m fine, Master, please!”

Despite his mouth being completely covered by his breathing mask, Obi-Wan can almost detect the makings of a smile across the Jedi’s features. “The healers were adamant, my student. You’re to rest one more day. Perhaps, instead of stories of Akul, you can detail our sightings of the neebray mantas to your peers. I assure you, they are much bigger than any Akul you hope to see.” Abruptly, he turns to Obi-Wan in a way that makes him think the Master had sensed his presence long before he’d approached. “Padawan Kenobi, if you’re not terribly occupied, I have a favor to ask of you.”

Obi-Wan comes to a stop in front of the pair of you, your eyes dragging to his frame after shooting a disgruntled glance at your Master. “Master Koon?”

“I’m set to depart for Shili within the hour, and unfortunately, this one,” he gestures a robe-covered hand towards you, “is recovering from a mild case of Balmorra Flu and will be unable to accompany me. I would appreciate it immensely if you’d monitor my student to ensure that she does, in fact, fulfill her last day of bed rest.” Obi-Wan notices as you bristle at the notion of being babysat like a child, but says nothing as Plo continues. “The healers have been kind enough to deliver medicine and food. You’d need only to stay within the room.” Before Obi-Wan can reply that he’d have to seek the approval of his own Master, Koon finishes for him. “I’d be happy to request an excuse from the rest of your duties, but if I’m being quite honest, I’m aware that most of your training for the day has already been completed.”

Obi-Wan schools his own features in haste from revealing how impressed he is. Though, he really shouldn’t be surprised. Plo Koon was legendary amongst the younger generations for both his intuition and skill with a lightsaber. Still, he pauses.

“There’s no cause for worry, young one, she’s not contagious any longer. The sickness is in its last stages.” The Kel Dor assures him, somewhat humorously, but that’s not why Obi-Wan is hesitating.

He’s nervous — he’s never spent much time alone with you. It’s not that you’re unlikable, or intimidating — okay, maybe you are a little — but actually, you’re quite popular with the rest of his crèchemates. He’s only had the opportunity to spend time with you in the midst of his other friends, and the times you have had conversations by yourselves, he gets an uncomfortable twist in his stomach that he’s not sure he likes.

But Obi-Wan is a good Padawan. Trying to be, at least. And Master Koon is close friends with Qui-Gon.

“Certainly, Master.” He gives a slight bow at the middle of his waist. “I would gladly be of service.”

The Jedi nods at him gracefully, and bids a soft farewell to you as he departs the conversation and the dormitory wing. You mutter a goodbye of your own moments after, followed by what Obi-Wan thinks is a variation of be safe. Then, you turn haughtily into your bedroom, retreating with your nose high in the air. He follows with a smirk of amusement.

“Sorry you’ve been sidelined.” He offers, as you face plant dramatically onto the bed. You bounce head-first into the pillows, and he can feel the irritation radiating off of you. “I know it that goes.”

You lift your body enough to place your chin in your hands, and regard him with a softening quirk. “It’s okay. I was just excited to get out on a mission again after my last one got cut short. This wretched flu.”

You flop onto your back, but Obi-Wan can sense your resentment quickly fading as you pull up the sheets to your chest. He notes that you already seem to be complying with your Master’s orders, grateful at the thought of not having to force you into bed. Another thought passes through his head, reminding him of the specific name Plo Koon had mentioned earlier.

“Balmorra flu? Weren’t you on Dantooine?”

“We were. Unfortunately, the illness is not limited to the planet for which it is named. But how it made its way to Dantooine, the middle of nowhere, I’ve no idea.” You sniff harshly. “It’s a shame, too. I wanted to take some time to admire the grasslands, but Master Koon wanted to get us back to the temple before I got worse.” The pout on your face morphs into a far-off look, and while you’re daydreaming, he takes the time to admire you. “It was majestic, Obi-Wan, the rolling plains, the rivers — you’d have loved it, I think.”

To himself, he smiles warmly. Here you are, sinuses stuffed to the brim and wallowing in the discomfort of sickness, yet you still found it within yourself to think of him. He can see why you’d been spoken so highly of by the others before he’d had the courage to befriend you.

You had a good heart.

“I know what you mean.” He presents you with a new tissue as you toss a used one into the wastebasket by your bed, and you watch him speak intently. “Once, on a mission to Alderaan, my Master told me he’d save time to hike one of the mountains if we finished early. A meditation retreat, of sorts. We did, but just as we were prepared to go, I came down with nerf-pox. A youngling sneezed on me in the middle of the assignment.” Disdain paints his appearance, and you cough out a laugh at him behind your fist as you reach for something off your bedside table, where a steaming bowl and cup of water sits.

“To the experiences that disease took from us,” you raise the cup in the air as if you’re making a toast, and although he’s not holding one of his own, he mimes the action with a grin. “Here’s to hoping we’ll get to do them someday.”

As you raise the drink to your mouth, Obi-Wan can’t help but notice the way it trembles in your hand. Eyes narrowing, he takes in the slight shake of your arm. “You’re quite weak,” he moves closer to take the cup from you and set it back on the table. “I think I should feed you.”

Your eyebrows knit in defiance, but he’s already holding the bowl of soup, stirring the spoon in its depths. Immediately, his nose wrinkles in distaste.

“This smells horrible.”

You sigh in agreement, leaning your head back against the pillows. “Rootleaf stew. Master Yoda’s personal recipe.” As he lifts the utensil to your still-moving mouth, you add, “Thankfully, it doesn’t taste as bad as it stinks.”

He snickers quietly as you drink the liquid down with a small noise of disgust. Your face seems to relax after a minute, however, and he hopes the warm broth is soothing your throat. He offers you a bit more, but this time, you stare straight at him as your lips close around the spoon, and his wrist falters when you peer at him from beneath your lashes.

Soup dribbles down your chin and neck as you squeal in surprise, the heat of it making you jerk back. Obi-Wan drops the bowl onto the table as he frantically snatches up tissues to offer you between panicked apologies, not trusting himself to dab the droplets on your skin away himself.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry, I —” he stammers as you clean up what you can, blinking at him in amused surprise. You don’t look angry at him, but stars, does he feel bad. “Ah, I didn’t mean to. So much for helping you.” From the shoulders up, he burns bright with remorse, but you shake your head amusedly with bright eyes.

“It’s okay. I probably would have done the same to myself. You were right, I am too weak to carry anything.”

Sheepishly, Obi-Wan picks up the stew again, but places it in his lap for a moment as he waits for his body to stop freaking out, for lack of a better term. It’s good timing, too, because you promptly break into a hacking fit, coughing violently as he winces in his seat. After you blow your nose loudly, you seem to notice his expression, because you suddenly turn self-consciously away from him.

“I’m sorry, too. I can’t imagine I’m a pretty sight to see as of right now.”

He disagrees. Surprisingly, your physical state hasn’t been too affected. And even in spite of your slightly ruffled exterior, you’re still exuding the same liveliness that he can’t help but find attractive. In his mindlessness, Obi-Wan’s mouth acts before his brain as he responds. “I think you’re always pretty.”

You both freeze, eyes meeting in shocked gazes as he attempts to backtrack. “I — I mean, you’re a pretty sight to see —” Nope, that’s worse, kill me, Maker, kill me now —

“Obi — it’s okay,” you cut him off from embarrassing himself further, though your own voice is shrill. “I appreciate the compliment.”

His face flushes again, this time at the nickname more than his stupidity. He stares resolutely into the swirling broth as he fiddles with the spoon, and deafening silence fills the air between you as you both look anywhere but each other. Soon enough, though, you’re brave enough to break the quiet. With an even braver comment of your own.

“You know, you’re not too bad-looking either,” he peers at you cautiously, and your eyes are kind, offering comfort. He breathes out a long sigh, but manages a weak smile in return.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, and you nod at him easily. He’s jealous of the way you’re expressive, yet so effortlessly at ease in any scenario — someday, he swears, he’ll nail down his composure. He’ll be in complete control of his every emotion and have the coolest demeanor of all the Jedi.

Just, not today.

Obi-Wan forces himself to steel the muscles in his arms as he brings another spoonful of soup to your waiting mouth, and exhales in relief when he successfully avoids causing another mess. Unfortunately, it seems that you’re intent on making one, because as soon as you swallow, you’ve got another remark that you deliver all too casually for Obi-Wan’s liking.

“In fact, I’d say you’re the prettiest Padawan in the Order.”

He spills the entire bowl across your sheets.

[official-alan-dabiri]

First and foremost, we have some exciting new changes that everyone can get behind. Absolutely nobody has a problem with the new experience globe mechanics. New experience globes are only at full value for six seconds, and after that are worth 25% exp. And then they last for thirty-nine seconds. Nobody finds this objectionable in any way. This change was not on the PTR due to public outcry from Reddit when it was leaked early, but it’s here live with all of its zero problems fixed.

Another change about which we have received zero complaints is a new tag system behind the scenes. People looking for just the right hero for the situation can easily find it by searching for such keywords as “CC” “Silence” “Sustain” and “Double soak” and find extremely useful and not absolute garbage results. Don’t worry about checking it ahead of time, just get right into draft mode and use it to find the perfect pick!

In addition to those minor and unobjectionable changes, we have removed Volskaya Foundry from the ranked queue, and added everyone’s favorite quickmatch map, Warhead Junction. We have also done this simultaneously with an Overwatch-themed event.

Hero changes below the cut, because this patch is another doozy, with fiiiiiive herooooo rewoooooorks, Four buffed assassins, three nerfed offlaners, two nerfed tanks and we also nerfed the looost viiiikiiiings!

Anduin is the first of our reworks and with him taking a more prominent role in Shadowlands we want to be able to welcome WoW players with open arms. He, uh, doesn’t have a new skin or anything, we just want people to play this game. The central goal of the buff is to improve his healing output in line with other heroes without removing the largest strength in Leap of Faith. As such, we’re just touching literally every part of his kit and talent try and praying that it goes the way we want.

People keep mistaking Johanna for the best tank in the game. This is factually untrue, since Muradin exists. As such, we are just gutting the absolute pants off of Johanna’s talent tree and making it weird and clunky.

For too long has Raynor been the scourge of draft play. Too good to skip, but not scary enough to ban. Perfect macro contributions, with respectable hero damage. Enough self-sustain to take weight off your healer, and self-peel for when tanks are bad. The perfect killing machine. As such, we’ve nerfed his damage into the ground. Start playing Greymane, bitches.

Stitches has proven to be a mediocre bruiser in the eyes of the community. After all these years, I think I know why. We accidentally categorized him as a tank. As such, he needs some serious changes to make him fit that label. This whole time we’ve been balancing him as a bruiser and nobody said anything? This is as much your fault as it is mine.

The average damage output of a ranged assassin has been steadily climbing for a while now. As a result, for a hero to actually be a glass cannon, they need some serious firepower. Valla now has the gunpowder to match her glass. And she’s the glassiest cannon there is. Don’t get me wrong, she still evaporates like a drop of water in California when an enemy hero looks at her. But when she has a solid tank and three healers behind her, the world is your oyster.

Oh my god they didn’t break down the heroes by category. Jesus Christ what the fuck Blizzard? You just decided that this is the line? This is the day you stop caring? Well, congratulations, you’ve made reading your patch notes mildly more inconvenient. I’m still doing this. Ya bunch of jack-offs.

Mei has been grossly overperforming, and we have no idea how that happened. We certainly didn’t buff her over and over again for an entire year. Anyway, we’re just going to roll some stuff back. Definitely probably fine.

It turns out - and bear with me here because this might be hard to follow - Hogger, D.va, and Sonya were all overtuned? For six months? So we’re just gonna tippy tappy them down the smallest little bit. And then slap them around a little for good measure. D.va’s mech form is no longer indomitable, Hogger can no longer solo any merc camp in the game in 12 seconds, and Sonya is now... Basically fine still, honestly. We kinda gave her just a slap on the wrist in comparison. But honestly after gutting Hogger like that, I just didn’t have the heart. One of the benefits from being a little later, alphabetically.

After riding the TLV train up through the ranks, I think it’s about time to recognize that I’m not actually good at them. They’re just overtuned. So it’s time to come back to earth, Icarus. Don’t be fooled by the seemingly-small HP nerf, though. The real nerf is buffing Longboat Raid. People are going to have to pick it to test it and it’s gonna murder their winrate.

Someone told me that Lucio is a problem and needed to be addressed this patch, but my cat came into the home office being adorable so I didn’t hear exactly what they said. So we had to kinda wing it. Hopefully these minor adjustments to his talent tree will solve whatever they were talking about!

Even we know Uther is a problem. Being first pickable and filling three different unique roles was what we wanted to do with Varian not Uther. So we’re going to try and make him incrementally worse at tanking until he just goes away. First up: Shaving off some of that personal armor.

AFK splitpush trash Azmodan is dead. Long live teamfight artillery mage Azmodan. Really glad I made the last HotS Content post about Nova instead of Azmodan because boy howdy do these changes invalidate the entire playstyle that post would have discussed.

W build Falstad has obviously become a problem. Not only was he riddled with bugs after the rework - don’t worry, we learned from our mistakes and made sure there were no bugs with our new reworks - but also he had the ability to point and click on an enemy hero and force them to run all the way to the next lane over in order to stop taking buckets of free damage. It turns out that ability was more powerful than anticipated, and required adjustment.

Q build Falstad has obviously become a problem. Not only was it completely overshadowed by a build that did more damage in every situation with less skill requirement, but we overestimated the value of macro power on a build that demands PvP for stacking. As such, we’ve doubled the amount of power each stack gives him! That’ll do.

AA build Falstad... Stay the course, buddy. Doin’ fine.

Junkrat has been underperforming, which is surprising for a hero with his level of power. As such, we’re going to make a few small buffs to hopefully draw attention, and then we can roll things back once the pickrate reflects his actual power. Hopefully then WE CAN FINALLY MAKE THE MANDATORY CHANGE I PUT IN EVERY MEMO. TYRE. WITH A Y. THAT’S HOW THEY SPELL IT IN AUSTRALIA. KAEO I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU- wait, did Kaeo leave? Who the fuck is still here? Kinnabrew? Adam? Jason? JASON! JASON!?

Tassadar has also fallen off a lot without us having done anything at all whatsoever to nerf him. Entirely undeserved treatment. I’m disappointed in all of you. As such, we’re going to tweak his numbers up just a little tippy tap so that you all remember who killed the Overmind. It wasn’t James Raynor or Sarah Kerrigan. It was Tassadar... Tassadar Bassadar. That’s his last name. Don’t look it up, just trust me.

In the bug fix department, we’ve had a nice sit-down with the Mountain Giants on Alterac and told them that if they have time to lean, they have time to clean. Reaching the end of their lane and expecting the core to come to them is putting undue stress on an already overtaxed position. The core is a very stressful job, and if the mountain giants could just do their part to walk into the core pit when they arrive, that’s a huge load off their shoulders. Drek’thar and Vanndar really needed this expectation taken off them right now, and I’m hopeful it will lead to a better work environment.

[bloodyshadow1]

i know people are afraid of the Vocodo fight that is definitely coming up, likely next episode or the one after that.  The community seems to believe that Vocodo is a morkoth, which I also agree, and they have nasty lair actions, not to mention that it’s Matt, he definitely beefed up its health and probably gave it a lot of nasty bonus abilities, maybe even legendary actions and resistances.  

However, some good things I’ll try and lay out about the fight that you can read more under the cut if you need some reassurance 

1) even if they lost Cad temporarily, they gained Vilya who is a at least a mid level druid, (vox machina were level 16 when they faced the Kraken, while Vilya failed, she would have to be comparable to that, though Matt might nerf her for balance) which if they fought Vocodo immediately they would have had to fight her with him since she was brainwashed.  Cad can be gotten back, it will be hard, but it can happen.  if that happens they have 3 people who can heal good, and 2 people who can the others up on their feet.

2) a lot of Vocodo’s spells rely on dex saves, the Nein are pretty dexy for a party, Beau and Veth have evasion and +9 to dex saves so they’ll get half no matter what, Yasha gets +3 with advantage, Jester gets +4, Caleb only gets +2 but has the ring of evasion. Fjord and Cad are kind of left in the lurch, but Fjord has a lot of health and armor of Hexes to protect him from attacks, and relentless hex to get him close to the thing so he can attack the shit out of it which hexlock paladins are great at, despite him being low on his warlock slots.

3) vanilla Morkoth’s have good mental saves with int and wis being their good saves with dex.  These are good against spell casters, which there are a lot of in the Nein, they don’t have Con as one of their good saves and only have a +2 to their base con.  Vocodo being a Boss monster that Matt has likely beefed up as said before but I don’t think he makes creatures have an extra/different good save.  He might boost it by one or two points to it’s con mod, but that’s still lower than most boss monsters they’ve faced.  This leaves him open to spells like Blight that can do a lot of damage with Cad and Vilya, but perhaps most importantly is it leaves him vulnerable to Beau’s Stunning Strike.  It’s one of the best monk abilites, and unless Matt wants to be a dick and give Vocodo immunity to the stun condition, it could be their chance to destroy the fake god in a round.  

3a) we’ve seen stunning strike work miracles with deadly fights before, it turned the fight with Lorenzo around, gave them breathing room against the bull demon in Xhorhas, saved beau personally against the laughing hand.  It’s great, gives the party a free turn to wail on a creature with advantage.  And possibly most importantly when you’re stunned, you autofail dex saves.  I know people were worried about the Morkoth and the spell reflection reaction with Caleb having disintegrate as his biggest gun. If Beau can stun it, Vocodo would have to just sit there while Caleb opens up against it without being in danger.

4) Druids are very useful, Vilya with them is so much better than against them. Druids aren’t as good of healers as Clerics but they have better utility than clerics.  She can wildshape into something with temp hitpoints and act as a meat shield, if she’s a moon circle she can do more than that, though it seems to be like she’s Land circle because of her immunity to poison. which is honestly pretty underwhelming of a circle, but the things she can do as a vanilla druid with her spells are good on their own.  Not to mention if they have another spell caster, it means that there’s one more person Vocodo might use a reaction against instead of one of the party members.  Worse comes to worse, I would rather Vilya die, than a member of the party if I’m going to be honest.  If they contact Keyleth or Allura about this dead Ashari woman, they can bring Pike in who has much more powerful healing spells than Jester or Caduceus with more gold than the whole party has together.  It’s callous, but Vilya is an NPC who is connected to a PC from the last campaign, (my favorite character if I’m not be clear) Vox machina has more ways of bringing her back than the Nein can think of

I’m not saying that the fight is going to be easy, it’s still going to be a boss battle with at least one one of their friends on Vocodo’s side if they dont’ stop him before he gets there, but it’s not an auto tpk which a lot of people seem to be worried about.  

[weebsinstash]

Man, I really used to love overwatch. Loved the story, the characters, and how the game played when it was still new... But the community got so so so so toxic and eventually I had to abandon one of my favorite games (not a huge loss tho, with the constant nerfs to my favorite characters--who. really didn't need it?-- and pandering buffs to characters that streamers/"pros" liked to play). The toxicity of the community made it difficult to even read/write about characters I'd liked by association

(This entire post is just me bitching about Overwatch so if you guys aren't into that steer clear lmao)

Yeah, I actually really enjoyed playing Overwatch initially but Blizzard themselves and the game's own community really kind of killed it for a lot of people (though I mostly stopped playing because my laptop is garbage and stopped being able to run the game properly). I actually only played like maybe 3 or 4 competitive matches EVER because the pressure was so intense and people (usually men) would get so vicious if you weren't going above and beyond, not to mention the dudes who always wanted to be solo-healed and babysat. Like if I recall correctly the "I'm already Tracer" meme literally came from a song about a toxic dude demanding another player switch to a healer so he can be DPS and then throws a fit and insults her when she refuses, which let me tell you happens in Overwatch a lot, especially to women, it's not even funny. I remember when Geguri, a 15 year old Korean girl won a tournament and her male opponents accused her of cheating because being beaten at a video game by a young girl shattered their fragile masculinity

I would often play as Lucio for the AOE healing and I always felt tons of pressure playing as anyone else, even in quick matches. Then there was the fact that some characters kept getting completely reworked or made almost completely useless or both (like Mercy), not to mention some characters we STILL know like literally nothing about years later. Like... what's the fucking deal with Zenyatta??? Is that MAGIC? Doesn't his entire story of the omnic Shambali monks literally acheiving spiritual enlightenment PROVE they have a soul? Just forget about him and the implications that has for the omnic war and the lore if the world, anyways here's 5 more new DPS characters that greatly upset the balance of the game because there's already not enough healers and most of the core player base refuse to play anything other than Soldier 76 or Reaper or McCree

There's also the factor of the lootboxes helping start a massive trend of microtransactions and in-game gambling mechanics across the entire gaming industry to the point where certain countries have made lootboxes in games illegal because it's often used to get money out of children

Also Overwatch 2 had been announced to be in development so like instead of improving the original game they're just going to make an entirely new product to sell to prople

And yeah, last point of this long rant but a lot of big name Overwatch streamers or competitive players turned out to be huge douches. There were some that were cocky and malicious to be edgy (I think I'm thinking of xqc but there were so many who were mean to be "funny") and a lot of racism (Asian Overwatch league players have came out and said they've faced discrimination from their own coaches and teammates) and some streamers are just like. Bad people. I used to watch a certain pro play as Widowmaker all the time and it's like surprise, he's cheating on his wife by soliciting nudes from his fans

Ok final point but women who were like three times as talented got constantly passed over for guys to the point women have to make their own e-sports teams themselves

And all of that doesn't even touch on how they jerked us around with lore and characters and advertised the game as being LGBT friendly and like waited literally years to give us two confirmed gay characters and by that point they had strung everyone along for so long people didn't even care. Apex Legends literally came out and capitalized on all the people upset with Overwatch by immediately telling the stories and indentities of all the characters, just fucking DUNKED on Blizzard and became massively popular in half the time

So yeah Overwatch had a lot of good things going for it but the development team and programmers and really just everyone in charge didnt really have the knowing of how to make it better and listened to the wrong kinds of feedback to make tweaks that made tons of people unhappy so... yeah that's my rant because shitting on things is fun. At least it still has a lot of hotties in it

[myfriendscallmecoelophysis]

Frame the Halves (and call them brothers)

Here, have a 1000 word drabble/character study for @transvav‘s Twin Au

Dedicated to Nerf House

Now with added part 2!

Ianite felt the barrier between dimensions ripple as the mortals fell into this plane. She felt the flicker of connection between herself and her Champion’s alternate self blink into existence. He didn’t belong to her, not in the way her Commander did, but this other version did belong to another version of her. And if there was one thing she knew about her other selves across the other dimensions, it was that they all possessed the loyalty of their Champion, no matter which version belonged to them. 

She didn’t go to him, not yet. She’d done well to keep herself hidden away and unreachable by anyone besides those she’d allowed. It cultivated a certain level of, fear, among the mortals. It made her life all the easier if they were too afraid to cross her. So instead of greeting the newcomers herself, she sent Jonah in her stead. He’d ensure they understood that this realm was not their own and that there were certain rules they were expected to follow. He would also report back to her on his alternate self. If he did his job as she knew he would, she would know just how to ensure that with time, she would gain another loyal Champion to enforce her will. And if it came to be that she needed the same spells that were cast upon Jonah to do it? So be it.

~

“What do you mean, they entered the Nether?” She asked Jonah slowly, overenunciating each word. She never raised her voice towards him but there were other ways to convey the simmering fury bubbling in her. He knelt before her, axe balanced across his legs and head bowed respectfully. “How could they have?” 

“I found a portal in the basement of one of their homes, the zombie who claimed he was Dianite’s Champion. It’s possible that he felt the the same tie to Dianite that you feel to the Captain” 

“Dianite is dead!” She snarled. “His followers have no power in this world, I made sure of that. He shouldn’t be capable of reaching out to any of them, let alone his supposed Champion.” She turned away with a grimace. She had no way to reach him now, the power of Dianite’s spell too much for even her magic to breach. Weeks spent carefully manipulating dreams and thoughts, all for nothing. She stalked across the room to the window that overlooked the rest of the city, slamming her hands on the windowsill in frustration. There had to be something that could be done? She hardly cared that the rest of them were in the Nether or that they’d surely met up with the Rebels she knew were hiding there. Her concern was that He was there and therefore out of her reach. She could still feel him in the back of her mind, the steady glowing pulse of a connection so much dimmer than Jonah was. It was dulled now, still present but, hazy. She had to get him back into this realm. 

“Leave me.” She ordered, not looking back at Jonah. “I’ll call for you when I’ve decided to proceed.” 

“As you wish My Lady.” He replied dutifully, the faint clink of his armor and tap of his boots echoing as he stood and left her receiving room. 

~

In the end, it was something she noticed with Jonah that gave her the idea. Both versions of her Champion felt a certain way to her, Jonah obviously at the forefront of her awareness and the Captain more subdued, but still quite similar. Almost identical. She knew that Jonah had never been meant for her, he’d arrived in this dimension as a teenager, not all that long after her original Champion, Jasper, had died. Jonah had been young, frightened, traumatized and eager to latch on to something familiar. And while she may not be his mother, she did share a great many similarities with her. Ianite was realizing now that both Jonah and Jordan bore the same impression on their quintessence signatures, they both originated from the same dimension. The long lost twin brother had found his way to her. 

Oh how the fates like to play their games. 

~

Ianite had only felt this level of twisting, churning unease once before in her life. When Jasper had died it had been like a link had been severed in her mind. A painful and quick ‘snap’ and he was gone. The emptiness that had been left behind had ached until Jonah’s arrival, his own presence filling the vacant spot left behind by his counterpart. There was no ‘snap’ this time, instead she felt Jordan fading, his already dim glow growing dimmer by the hour. 

“He's hurting.” She told Jonah, uncaring that he saw her in such a state of disorder. She had one hand tangled in the hair of her scalp, clutching at her head as if she could stop this from happening. Could she survive the loss of another follower so tied to her?

Jonah didn’t say a word to her in response, instead he summoned one of the Captains of her military. “Send three squadrons of Enderman to the Nether. Find the one they call Captain Jordan Sparklez. Bring him here. Time is of the essence.” 

The Captain replied with a crisp salute and click of his heels, walking quickly from the room as soon as Jonah dismissed him. 

When they were alone once more, she met his eyes. “We’re connected in some way aren’t we, he and I?” He asked. She knew he didn’t mean the obvious answer of them being alternate versions of each other. 

“You are.” She confirmed but said no more. 

“Then I will ensure that he will come to you safely.” He bowed to her quickly, turning on his heel and leaving the room with his cape fluttering behind him. 

~

From the balcony above the courtyard, Ianite looked down as the stretcher that held Jordan was carried to the infirmary. He was pale, and gaunt, even from here she could see the weakness in his body. Jonah was escorting the group, glancing repeatedly down at his brother and then back up before anyone else could notice. Between the healers and her own magic, Jordan would make a full recovery of whatever sickness he’d acquired in the Nether. Then, once he was awake, she’d make herself known to him. And once had she both sons of Ianite in her service, willingly or not, she would truly be unstoppable.

[koalas-koalas-everywhere]

Where did the idea that Merlin is bad at healing magic come from?

Ok, that was a clickbaity title, I know where it came from: that scene in the Crystal Cave where he can’t heal Arthur’s wound. Possibly, also his struggle to heal him from the poisoned arrow in The Coming of Arthur Part 1. However, although I understand 1) the desire to nerf him at least a bit and 2) the delicious irony of someone as good as Merlin and who would like to be gentle as much as he does being crap at healing magic but good at combat, I don’t think this is very accurate.

I mean, this belief is the farthest thing from baseless. I mentioned TCC, and I can’t explain why he’d be unable to heal Arthur other than lack of skill (beyond theorizing that the magic of the Cave was impeding him because he was supposed, destined, if you will, to ask for Taliesin’s help and agree to look at the crystal in exchange, which admittedly doesn’t have much support from canon, or Merlin’s general lack of magical  ability that caused him, for example to make a rose instead of a strawberry for Freya, although that was in the previous season). Then there’s TCoA, although that one’s a bit... complicated, for reasons I’l talk about in a minute, and, last but not least, there’s the Hollow Queen, where Merlin tries to heal himself but he can’t. Besides that, there are some instances when he didn’t try to heal people so we can extrapolate that he was unable, like when Mordred is hurt in The Beginning of the End, when Will and Freya are dying in The Moment of Truth and The Lady of the Lake* or when Arthur passes out in The Last Dragonlord. 

The one from TCoA is complicated, because as I said before, he struggles, and by the time the scene cuts off it seems like he failed, but when Arthur wakes up, he only seems to have problems with the wound itself, not the poison, and doesn’t feel the pain until he walks on it. Then, without a hint of the fever he had before, he walks all the way to Camelot, a day or more, until he can’t go on anymore, but Merlin tells Gaius the spell didn’t work, BUT then Gaius says the wound’s infected, not poisoned, which would be explained by the whole traipsing about with a wounded leg and no treatment, so... I’m not sure what to make of it. 

Then in THQ, there were the ameliorating circumstances of being... you know... dying from poison. It’s more a matter of power than healing skills (when he tries, his eyes flicker like cheap old lightbulbs when he tries to do magic). But we’ll count it.

So that makes it 5 times he would have liked to heal someone with magic but couldn’t due to what we can assume is a lack of skill (I’m not counting Mordred because I don’t think he’d dare to use magic in that case, since Morgana seemed to want to be involved and kept up to date in his treatment, proved by how she watched as he did it without magic), two of which are dubious because he seems to be at least partially successful or because there were extenuating circumstances.

Then there’s times where there were people to heal but the circumstances were... peculiar.

One was his father in The Last Dragonlord. He dies much more quickly than Will, not to mention Freya, which suggests an even worse wound than the one the woman who grew up with Druids, notable healers, said was too deep to heal. Merlin says he could save him, but Balinor cuts him off so he could give his last words, presumably because he, a man we also know possesses some healing skills, knew it was pointless. I really have to wonder if there was anything any ordinary sorcerer could have done (I mean, not to victim-blame, but I didn’t see Balinor trying to heal himself), that even Merlin himself pre-The Diamond of the Day could have done, so I’m reluctant to draw conclusions about his healing abilities from this.**

While he heals Gwen in With All My Heart, technically he does it not through any healing magic but by taking her to the Cauldron of Arianrhod and summoning the Triple Goddess, so it doesn’t help measure his skills either.

Additionally, (and here’s where I start to answer one of the most important questions in this post, which has remained unsaid until now, but which has underlined every single line to the moment: “what the fuck are you ranting about you big dumdum if all you’re going to do is agree that Merlin’s bad at healing?!” It’s about the refutation) there’s his healing of Morgana in TCC. This one’s also weird, because he does heal her, but he needed Kilgarrah’s help to do it. It’s possible that he only gave Merlin the spell, like he did with Sigan, but he has a strange sound effect in his voice when he casts it, so it could also be that he had some extra guidance from Kilgarrah to help him along, such as a power boost or an instinctual understanding of how to perform the spell. Like the last one, then, I don’t think this example gives us any reliable information on his healing skills.

But! It does start us off on the next part of this discussion, which is the times Merlin has successfully healed someone.

The earliest example of this is The Mark of Nimueh, where he heals Gwen’s father, Tom. He just sneaks in, puts a poultice under his pillow, casts the spell, sneaks out, and done! Man awake in seconds, cured by morning. Of course, success isn’t as interesting as failure (might be the reason why they continued this particular storyline by having Gwen accused of sorcery instead of just letting her live), but two things stand out about this healing. The first is that Merlin used a poultice for it, which will come up again later, so make a note of that. The second is that this happens before TCC, so it’s unlikely that Merlin just took that failure to heart and tried to improve. 

But, TCC is the next time since then that he makes an attempt at healing magic, which, whew, talk about a time gap! That’s two seasons, and at least 2 1/2 years! Make a note of this, too. The time after that is, at least, in the same season - TCoA, in which we’ve settled that Merlin seems to have partial success with Arthur’s wound. (“Yes, you’ve already said this before!” Just go with it.)

Next, there’s The Wicked Day. We know that he did the spell right because everything went to shit. Once more, he used aids for the spell, a potion and incense form sage.

The very next episode, Aithusa, without a clear idea of what they’ve been given, only that they’ve passed out and have difficulty breathing (he might have figured out what it was from the smell of the poultice that he found in the stew), he manages to save all four knights and Arthur from poisoning, this time only with an enchantment. 

Then he heals Gwen’s leg in The Hunter’s Heart. Once again, only a spell. Funnily enough, it’s the same wound he tried to heal in TCC, only in a different place.

Last but not least is the poison Gwen uses on Arthur in A Lesson in Vengeance. By the time Merlin has an opportunity to treat him, he’s moments away from death - Gaius says his heart’s nearly stopped, and Merlin himself doubts he has the power to heal him. No potions or herbs, although it’s interesting to note that he does motions similar to chest compressions.

So, to keep tally: his success rate when dealing with poisons and drugs is 100%, and it’s the same for times when he got to use aids such as potions and poultices. It also applies to all healing attempts not subject to extenuating circumstances (magical interference such as the Lamia’s spell or the blade being forged in a dragon’s breath, and when Merlin had to heal himself while he was dying) from TWD forward.

We can see him improve from TCC (season 3) to ALiV (season 5) - he actually makes significant improvement from TCC to TCoA, and from there to TWD and Aithusa. It seems like he learned from his experience in TCC and decided to make up for his lack of natural talent at healing magic by studying. And here’s where it gets really funny. Because we’ve established that there was a time, long before TCC, where he healed someone successfully, and that was Tom, in TMoN. If you’ll remember, around that time Merlin was much more likely to fail the first few (hundred) times he tried a spell, like the one to make that dog statue real and the one to enchant a weapon to fight the griffin. So, way back then, Merlin went, made a poultice, cast a spell and succeeded on his first try, when before (and after) that he’d have difficulties with new spells.

It... actually looks like he had a natural talent for healing magic. 

Okay, hang on! you might say. You spent the first half of this fucking novel talking about his healing goofs, don’t come at me with this bullshit now! you might say.

And here’s where you should pull out those notes I asked you to make. Because between TMoN and TCC there’s a world of difference.

To start off, in the first one he had preparation. He’d been able to look for and study an appropriate spell in his book shortly beforehand and, most importantly, he had a poultice. He’s had a perfect success rate when using those. Look at Dragoon - I’ve talked before about how hilarious it is that Merlin struggles to turn off a spell most have trouble achieving, let alone keeping up. In that first ep, Queen of Hearts, Merlin prepares a whole ass ritual to age up,*** but later needs a potion to go back to his own age. On the other hand, every time after that he just casts the spell and he has no trouble undoing it. While it’s conjecture, it’s a pretty solid theory to say that potions and the like, as I’ve been foreshadowing, function as aids when casting spells. They can be necessary, but sometimes they just give the sorcerer a boost. It follows, then, that any spell cast without them will be weaker, such as, say, the one in TCC.

But! He doesn’t use potions for almost any of the other times, either!

Well, that’s kind of tied into my next point: time.

As we’ve established, almost three years go by between TMoN and TCC, and Merlin doesn’t try to heal anyone in that time. He does, however develop his magic in other ways. By The Moment of Truth he can summon a tornado! By Le Morte D’Arthur he can cast the spell he so struggled over in Lancelot! He can summon a shield that can withstand dragon fire! Went against a Sidhe and a Pixie! He- okay, he got better at combat magic. You might see where I’m going with this.

But right then, he needed to heal Arthur! He’d done it before! But... he’d gone rusty. 

Honest to God. Yes, this is conjecture. No, I don’t have any proof other than what fits with canon. No, I don’t think it was intentional on the writers’ part.But in my mind and in my heart this is what happened. He was originally good or rather decent at healing magic, but after not using it and instead doing other kinds of magic for so long, during what were technically**** formative years for him as a sorcerer, that he actually lost the hang of it. To be fair, though, he makes up for it pretty quickly.

I didn’t think this through to the end before I wrote it, when I started I thought I’d just conclude there were more examples of Merlin being good at healing magic and that would be it, but putting it all together I’ve found a probably unintended pattern of Merlin having a natural talent for healing, but being forced to neglect it for the sake of combat magic. In conclusion, I’m sad.

*Scenes which I just watched to make this post and now I’m crying fucking hell what I do for stupid meta.

**I don’t apply the same logic to Freya because the length of time that must have passed between the scene in the tunnels and her death by the lake, not to mention the amount of jarring that she must have gone through in the trip, makes me think that there probably was a window of possibility there that they just didn’t have the resources to take advantage of. And. I mean. The strawberry scene. I’m just more likely to believe Merlin still had a way to go, magic-wise, but it’s also because of this that I’m not convinced that this is about him being bad at healing, specifically, as much as not being that skilled in magic overall.

*** I also rewatched the scene where he does it and ho-ho-ho-holy shit, his excitement at his idea is adorable.

****Because he was born with magic, he learned ways to use it way before going to Camelot, but this was a new stage of his studies that consisted f different things learned and different ways to learn them and different ways to apply them.

[wordsdrippinginink]

"I'm going to throw you into a fire," Ace hisses, glad that he muted his microphone before this round started as their Pharah launches herself into the air and lands in the middle of the enemy team's attack force. "You better not fucking-"

"I need healing!" Pharah shouts, spamming the chat on the side of the screen with her cries as she falls to an attack.

Ace bites the inside of his cheek as the voice chat crackles, Pharah's player speaking for the first time.

"Way to go, Mercy. You can't even heal someone asking for it."

Reinhardt's player laughs dryly, "Right, you want us to let our only healer run into the middle of the enemies to heal you, when I've had her following me so that I can keep this shield up and running?"

"And we should just ignore that we need healing?" Pharah's player demands as their D.va hurries over to Ace's Mercy. "It's not fair-"

"Stop whining like a fucking baby," D.va's player snaps, her accent sharp. "Mercy's trying their fucking best. But since you decided to DPS instead of a healer, we can't afford to have a healer die."

"I'm not-"

"You were the last to join the team and complained because someone "took" Junkrat first and tried to argue Genji into trading with you," D.va interrupts. "I would rather deal with Mercy. At least they can heal and they've taken out, what four people with that shitty pistol of her's? And only one death, when we all got wiped by the other team's D.va Mech?"

Ace smiles, turning as he spots their Genji inbound with just a sliver of health yet, making sure to heal him until he bounces out from behind Reinhardt's shield to head back into the fray.

"I'm dropping the shield, get ready," Reinhardt warns, giving Ace enough time to move behind a pole. "Where is Junk?"

"I'm listening to you all and wondering when Mercy's gonna chime in. I know you're on mic dude," Saber states appearing from behind them. "I got killed, but I got their Reaper."

"So that's where he went," D.va mutters. "Nerf this, bitches."

"You're really going to call them bitches," Ace asks, turning on his mic as D.va dodged behind Reinhardt's shield, her mech taking out the entire opposing team. "But seriously Pharah, I'm not here to answer to your beck and call."

Genji laughs, "Oh, I was right. I always forget you're a Mercy main."

"Shut up, Three sword. I know exactly where you are right now and I'm more than willing to kick your teeth in. Mercy is a great character and you would have never made it to this rank without me."

Reinhardt clears his throat, "Can we focus on how we're about to win instead of picking fights with people we know."

"Sure thing, blue bird," Ace promises, smiling at the exaggerated sigh from Reinhardt. "Do you not want me to call you by your user name?"

"Focus!"

Ace laughs, hurrying after him and making sure to watch their backs a bit more when one of the other team switches from Mei to Widowmaker.

"You're a Mercy Main?" Reinhardt asks after requesting to remain on the same team.

"Over 400 hours," Ace agrees joining the request, as Saber tells them that he has to leave. "I'm AceofSpades, you can call me Ace."

"BlueBird2020, my brother made it for me," Reinhardt admits. "But please call me, Marco."

"So you main tanks or?"

"I've been playing for three days, but I play two dps fairly well, one tank, and Moira. But of course, this is still early. You never know. Yourself?"

"Mercy is my main, like you noticed. But I can also do Lucio, Mei, Roadhog, and Zarya. How long do you have?"

Marco hums, "Two hours? I have to get some sleep before work, but I think that six is enough, don't you?"

"I'm going to be at four hours," Ace laughs, flexing his fingers. "Alright let's do this."

It's fun. Hard, but fun and for all that Marco's still learning the buttons, he's also willing to listen to advice and tries his hardest. Plus, Ace will admit to enjoying his sense of humor.

"Alright, I'm going to bed now," Ace yawns. "Because otherwise, I'm going to die at work tomorrow."

"Right," Marco mutters. "Work. Good night, Ace. I hope we can play together another time."

"I'm sending you a friend request, that way it'll be more fun. We can see if the other is online and request to play together there instead of falling into a team on Quick Play," Ace rubs his eyes. "But maybe tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow. I'll be on at six?"

Ace stares at his clock, "By what time zone?"

"Eastern?"

"It's a date."

"I can't wait."

[variety-toaster]

I fucking hate Hanzo, and I hate what he has done to Overwatch.

Ok, so, I’m gonna rant about game balance for a second, and I say some angry swearwords here so if you’re not cool with that, you can just scroll by. Now, I’m not sitting here and getting mad without having a theoretical solution to the problem, so just sit for a second, hear me out, and think about it from the perspective of the healers and tanks this bow-toting fuck-wit hero has shredded within less than a second for just a moment. I’m going to explain the problem, why it’s a problem, and how it could be fixed. If you play on console, this doesn’t really apply to you. Ya’ll are a whole different ballgame than the speed of gameplay that PC reaches. Keep that in mind.

FUCK. HANZO.

He is the singular most UNBALANCED piece of shit in an already suffering game. I hate him so god damn much. The ability to INSTA-KILL is already bullshit outside of ultimates, but he is the fucking WORST with it. He's a "pseudo-sniper" who can do sniper level damage without scoping, which is one thing, but his rework and the lack of balance they’ve applied to it??? FUCK. THAT. NOISE. There is NO reason that a SNIPER should be able to 1-shot at ANY range, and by that I mean close range on top of their already extensive distance options. At least Widow has to scope in, and landing close-range shots is not easy. Ashe, same thing, although her dynamite gives her some options, but she can damage herself with it. Ana is a fucking healer. Hanzo doesnt have to zoom in, and can KILL in 1 FUCKING SHOT from ANY distance. It's BULLSHIT.  His basic attack is a fucking 1-hit KO move. There is ZERO excuse for that shit. He can RAPID FIRE arrows too with Storm Arrow! and they do MASSIVE damage! enemy DPS? full of holes. supports? already dead. Tanks? Dead in < 1 second. Fucking garbage. Ok, yes, you have to aim and shit, yeah, and it takes some amount of skill, but on PC, aiming is a tad-bit fucking easier with a mouse than it is with a controller. He can just spam arrows down a choke and the whole team can get ripped apart! He does loads of damage, and can actually MELT shields! So pushing through chokes is EXTREMELY hard when the rest of the enemy team is firing through their own. On attack, his high mobility makes it easy to drop in behind the healers, rip them apart before they have time to fucking react, and then everyone else can just come barreling through. Yes, counterplay exists in Overwatch. But hard-counters in any game are fucking bullshit and we all know it. Game-balance should allow for characters who are being countered to continue to hold up against their counters to some degree. Because it’s called BALANCE. Meaning they need to be EQUAL, in various ways. The dev team has not been doing that well at all lately, and the game has very much become a game of rock-paper-scissors. It’s not fucking fun. Using skill and teamwork to defeat your opponents in combat fairly is both rewarding and fun. Losing because your teammate is paper when the enemy chose scissors and won’t switch to rock fucking isn’t.

Hanzo isn’t countered by many, if any, heroes. Don’t fucking hand me a list of “Hanzo counters” because we’ve all seen a Hanzo main make that counter-hero look like roadkill with ease. This recreates the “Junkrat double mines” problem we had before. If you recall, when Junkrat was given two landmines in his arsenal, they did massive damage, the moment they hit the opponent. Didn‘t matter how far you were from the explosion, they did the same amount of damage as they would on a direct hit. Now they’ve fixed that, and distance from the center determines damage, but for several months, Junkrat was a highly popular pick, and fighting him... just felt unfair. For everyone. Squishies just popped instantly, and tanks went down without much of a fight.  People left the game altogether out of frustration with the lack of balance. Fighting him wasn’t fair, and there wasn’t much you could do to stop him without some serious teamwork. It wasn’t fun to fight him. People would just leave games altogether when the enemy had a Junkrat. I watched it happen. A quick comment in the chat saying “Junk is fucking bullshit” and “[player] left the game”. It was consistent, too.

Hanzo... is just that, again. It’s not fun to fight against him. There’s no real way to stop him. He’s become really popular because of this, and the more he’s played, the more skilled people become, and while yes, more skill means greater reward for any hero, it also means more unfair insta-kills on heroes who cant do anything about it, unable to fight back, in every game. It’s not fun. It just isn’t.

This isn’t helping balance changes to other heroes either.

Healers and tanks are still only seeing minor changes and adjustments (mostly nerfs), and DPS heroes are getting buffed left and right, just to put them at the same broken fucking level as Hanzo.

Maybe it’s more of the balance changes being made entirely based on the OWL, which was already a goddamn problem (very small percentage of players of extremely high skill causing devs to make gameplay changes that drastically effect everyone else), because my theory is maybe they’re trying to make games move faster, so making DPS kill everything faster while the killcam looks great for the OWL cameras... But that’s just a personal theory, and it’s probably not that.

Hanzo is continuing to be a fucking problem, and playing Overwatch, even in quickplay, where I should be able to enjoy the game casually for fun, has become frustrating. It’s not fun to die in one shot because you stepped one millimeter around a corner, or because your tank’s shield broke in a shorter time than it takes your Guardian Angel ability (as an example, since it has a 1.5 second cooldown) to recharge.

Yes, there ARE other heroes who can oneshot. Doomfist is fucking annoying, yes, I’ve heard that plenty. But at the very least, there are ways to stop Doomfist. Stuns and boops affect Doomfist, because he physically has to be in close range. Hanzo can tear you apart at ANY distance. Those things aren’t effective if you’ve already taken just one arrow and died, or if your healers have been wiped out because he climbed over a wall, and stuck a few rapid fire shots at point-blank range into their skulls.

It’s not fair, and it’s not balanced. There’s no way to kill Hanzo in a way that matters. He’ll just come right back to rip your team a new one every time. At the very least you can take a Doomfist down a few notches by being more careful, and swapping to heroes who can keep him from breaking your face. Hanzo can just... change his distance, and keep killing you. A lot of that has to do with his way-increased fire rate and projectile speed. His damage is way more consistent, and nothing else was brought down to make up for this sudden increase in overall damage output during his rework.

It’s not about skill.

“Oh I kill Hanzo-mains all the time, it’s not that hard. Just get good.” Then you haven’t been paying attention. Maybe you don’t see it, but your healers see it, and your tanks see it. Because if you’re killing Hanzo “with ease,” you’re playing DPS, and I told you at the beginning to consider it from the perspective of the other classes.

He could EASILY be balanced, that's the worst part. It would be so simple yet so effective. He’s a sniper. Reverse damage drop-off. For everyone else, the farther an attack has to travel, the less damage it does, with a few exceptions for certain heroes. This is called Damage Drop-off. Hanzo could be balanced by having the opposite applied to his attacks. The CLOSER he is to his opponent, the less damage he does. It would force the SNIPER to actually be a fucking SNIPER. It’s a simple, yet effective strategy. No more walking through Orisa’s shield to shoot her in the face. No more hopping around through Rien’s barrier to fill him full of arrows. He’d have to put some distance, and focus on his aim. It would make him require MORE SKILL, since while he still does massive damage from  distance, he can’t scope in. He can still defend himself close range with storm arrow and lord knows his wall-hacking sonic arrow could alert him to danger. He literally has a “jump away” lunge ability. He’d be fine, playing as a sniper like he was intended. He can still shoot and look around without being scoped in. Flankers will have just as hard a time getting in his face as before, except now, they might stand a fucking chance without having to have like a thousand hours on Genji or Tracer, and I don’t know, counter him in some way. Game balance is so crucial to the enjoyment of a game like Overwatch, and it has been WAY TOO LONG that this Hanzo rework has gone overlooked by the devs. 

If it isn’t fun to play AGAINST a hero, it shouldn’t be fun to PLAY that hero. The goal of a game is to have fun, but it’s not fun when you get sent to the spawn room 8 times in a row no matter what your rank is or how long you’ve been playing. It’s frustrating, and it’s one of the issues people aren’t articulating when they talk about how winning in Overwatch doesn’t feel like a victory and losing feels aggravating, and leaves you in a sour mood, even though you’re just... playing a game.

But hey, that’s my personal idea as to how to fix this hero. I’d love to hear your ideas too! I’ve had a lot of people I’ve talked about this with tell me they’d rather the devs bring back old Hanzo with the scatter arrow than leave him how he is right now. What do you think? Do you agree with my idea, or maybe the return of Scatter Hanzo? Or maybe you have another idea? Constructive criticism is totally welcome here, or feel free to just let me know if you agree or disagree. However, if your response is something like “lol umad?” or “he’s balanced. shut up.” (without any real argument) kindly fuck off. Thanks so much for reading! Have a nice day! (drink water or something, btw)

[picapica916]

Lost (A JSE story)

Ever since the court trial pass, Chase hasn't left his room. Locking himself inside, staying away from the others. Rarely eating, being outside, drinking more. Outside of the room, the other spetics were worried. They tried everything to get him out. Even tried his favorite game he made up for them: Spetic Nerf battle.

It game of two teams of three going up against eachother. Like Lazar tag, but with nerf guns.

"HEY CHASE IT SEPTIC NERF BATTLE NIGHT WANNA JOIN!!!" Jackie excitedly yelled outside.

"We finally got Marvin to be on our team, So we have the upper advantage." He also told, while Henrik gave him the glare.

Henrik was the healer on Chase's team. But Jackie thought it would be better for Marvin to be on their team. Since Mavrin can use his magic on them.

No response came from inside. All there was playing was "Let her go" by passenger. On high volume, Anti was getting very annoyed by that song.

"Make him stop playing that song," hold his knife up "OR I'LL GLITCH IN THERE!!!" Yelling at chase's door. Making it worse by cranking the song louder.

Anti covering his ears, teleports away to his room. Henrik follows inside his room, trailing along Marvin walks in, closing the door behind him. Jackie, sad about Chase not coming out. Left to his room. Only one who stayed was . . . JJ.

Gripping at the toy gun, he walk to the door. Turned around, sat down back against door. He started doing this ever since Chase cut off them from his life. He was the closest to Chase the most out of the others.

All he could hear was the song. It was quite sad yes, but how could he listen to that long all day long? It did always stick to JJ mind, so much that he started to whistle to the song Without realizing it, the whistling syncing up to the song muffling outside. Then, it stop.

He jumped, hearing a window opening, while beer bottles where shattering on the floor. Then wind was only heard. JJ was curious, so he got up. Opening the door slightly, seeing inside.

Chase room was a mess. His walls had holes made into them. By punching in anger, his bed has strains of tears and alcohol. All around the room was alcohol bottles with some blood on them. The door open fully. Showing the window wide open.

_____________________________________

"HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN!!!" Jackie yelled when he burst the front door when the rest walk outside.

"I'm guessing He couldn't handle that stupid song anymore." Anti laughs.

Henrik punched him in the arm causing him to Glitch a bit.

"Ow," Anti rub his arm "Like that didn't hurt at all"

"Everyone split up to find him, Henrik you take the left street," Marvin command him.

Henrik nods, leaving the others to do his work.

"Jackie fly up in the skies to get a bird eye view of the neighborhood,"

"On it Boss," Jackie flew off. "JACKIEBOYMAN AWAY!!!"

"Anti tap into all network social you can get into,"

"Time to freak out some Theorists." Anti evil laughs when he glitches out.

"JJ you'll take the park, don't worry I'll stay here to use my magic to track him."

JJ salutes to Marvin, running off to the park.

________________________________________

JJ has looked around the park. Looking through the playground, bathroom, even the tennis courts that no one uses. He started to give up, sat down at the bench. He put his hands on the back of his neck. Started to stretch, he looked up to see dangling legs. He reach at the pant leg, pulled very hard.

"Ahhh what the hell!!"

Knowing that voice, he got up, turned around look up. To see Chase with a scared look on his face. He smiled on seeing his friend still alive.

"JJ WHY YOU DO THAT I COULD HAVE BEEN SOME RANDOM PERSON!!!" Chase bursted.

JJ jumped on the tree branch, chase helping him get up. While pulling him up, JJ saw a picture frame that Chase was holding. He pointed at the frame.

"Oh this is just my family photo," Chase explain to him while showing. "There me, Stacy, the kids, all of us."

The Photo had the family all together. The children wide smiling. One had it eyes closed, which was funny. Stacy head on his shoulder, close smiling with joy. And Chase, showing pure happiness in the photo. Before everything came crashing down.

JJ looked up at Chase now, showing sadness in his eyes. Dark bags under his eyes from not having enough sleep. His hair a mess, not showering in days. The state he was in now, wasn't good.

"What happens now J?" He questions him, "All I have left is Marvin, Jackie, Henrik, You, Anti. Well Anti can glitch out of reality for all I care. But, without my family."

He clutches to the frame.

"What the point about holding on to this."

He throws it, making it hit the ground. Shattering the glass, splitting the glass into creating cracks between Chase and his family.

"Don't even sign anything to me JJ, I don't need your empathy on me. I already know what I wro-"

He gets side hugged by JJ, knowing he would in some sort of way to show him that he cares for him. Since JJ was the person to put others needs over his. Chase deeply breaths, shakely starts to tear up while exhaling. He balls out crying, hugging JJ back. Which replying back to Chase saying:

"I'm sorry Chase."

_________________________________________

"I don't guys, I don't think it great on this one." Pica saying with unsure in her voice.

A pillow was thrown at the back of her head.

"YOU NEED TO STOP BEING UNSURE ABOUT YOURSELF!!! IN MY OPINION I THINK IT GREAT!!!" Blue yelling at her while folding his arms in a sassy style.

"Honestly, I wish there was more Anti." Pumpkin saying while eating a bowl of ice cream.

"Wait where's-"

Wall comes down revealing 10th, dusting off dust. With her hair in a mess. Sadcat behind her eating chips.

"I HAVE HEARD YOU MADE A NEW FANFIC PICA!!!" 10th yelled.

"Oh I just tagged along," Sadcat adding on, "Oh also Can I use your bathroom?"

Pica putting down her head, covering her head with her arms.

"I really need to stop telling you guys to come over."

Tag list: @10th-no-name-person @pumpkin-demon @thebluehearted @sadcat5555 @ocelot-109

[koshi-poffington]

What your overwatch main says about you to me.

Ana: After calculating and pulling of the greatest sleep dart of all time. You can do nothing but watch as your teammates wake up the ulting genji and die as a result. Nobody stays in your line of sight. Please stay in the line of sight. Stop jumping me. Please protect me. God dammit.

Bastion: You desperate desperate desperate fool. You have no skill. You think you can carry the team, and depending on how much ass your opponents suck. You can. Fuck you.

Brigitte: You either stick with the team and constantly disrupt enemies and make their life hell, or you’re a fucking dps main thinking you’re playing a dps and rush off by yourself.

D.VA: You’re a bully. You like jumping poor defenseless squishies, and when they escape you will throw your ult at them. Who cares if you lose. You have to send a message.

Doomfist: You’re annoying at best. Play something else you loser.

Genji: You are a Genji Main. You’ve watched all the Avocado videos so you know what you’re doing. Don’t ever switch. Show them you can 1v6. You will eventually 1v6 them. Don’t worry about it. You’re the best. Always go defense genji.

Hanzo: Stop playing Hanzo yOU FOOLS. SCATTER IS NOT BALANCED.

Junkrat: Fuck off. You don’t need to worry about nerfs because Junkrat is Jeff’s waifu. You piece of shit.

Lucio: Boops are the only thing that matter. Healing is second. Don’t worry about it.

Mccree: It doesn’t matter if you can’t hit the broad side of Roadhog’s ass. Just Fan the Hammer! Only Fan the Hammer! It’s the only thing you’re good at.

Mei: You enjoy watching people die right before your very eyes. You probably enjoy kicking puppies.

Mercy: You will never get off Jeff Kaplan’s Wild Ride…your life is hell.

Moira: You’re a DPS Hero. Healing is secondary. Don’t worry about it.

Orisa: God you’re so boring. You’re just boring but you have to play her cause she’s useful. Cute robot though.

Pharah: You can’t aim but that’s okay! That Mercy pocketing you will ensure that you never die, it’s not like you can rely on a Hanzo, Soldier, or Widowmaker to actually hit you.

Reaper: You like to get into people’s faces and shoot them. That’s the only strategy and you will do it over and over again until it works. 3EDGEY5ME

Reinhardt: The supreme one. You’re unstoppable. Just charge into the enemy. The role of a tank is to protect the team, and the enemy can’t hurt the team if they’re fucking dead. It’s not like you can rely on the DPS to actually kill things anyways. Be sure to thank your healers…on a side note pick up a pocket ana.

Roadhog: The only capability you have of tanking is your vaping abilities and your Victoria secret model body. Just hang around like a fat dude and hook people, and hope you have good teammates. Don’t count on it.

Soldier 76: Stop firing at the tanks, shoot at the Pharah. Stop. No what are you doing. Stop it. STOP IT. SHARE YOUR BEER JUICE.

Sombra: stop hacking me and piss off. Nobody else is there with you…why did you ult?

Symmetra: Fuck you.

Torjbjorn: Torb is a support, tank, defense, and dps hero. You can never go wrong with this unstoppable hero. Every torb you meet is a Top 500 torb and must be treated with respect. On a side note please go away.

Tracer: Leave me alone. Even Mercy can solo you.

Widowmaker: You’re more interested in sniping than actually winning the game. Yes. Please. Just stand there and watch as the payload reaches its destination. Go ahead. Take your time.

Winston: You’re not a monkey. You’re a scientist. You think you’re some kind of unstoppable god AND you try to jump at Tanks to kill them. You’re an idiot.

Zarya: you’re only useful for your ult.

Zenyatta: Yes. Please. Use that tranquility to save yourself. Also be sure to call out who you discord even though everyone will ignore you, but it’s okay. You can fuck over the most carefully put together god combo ults with a simple press of the button, unless if there’s a grandma on the other team.

[toasttz]

How to make games: Hero Shooters

So, class, today I posit this little question to you all: Do you want to be the next Blizzard? Fuck no, you don't want to be "Don't you guys have phones?" Blizzard; you wanna be Blizzard from 5-10 years ago when they were at the height of their popularity. But that's not what I'm shooting for here. Do you want a fount of endless revenue? Do you want to do the absolute baseline minimum in terms of engine and game design to actually create a game but aren't creatively and ethically bankrupt enough to make a gacha game? Do you want to build a game whose rules, designs, and themes were just stolen from the effort of others? Do you really like Rule 34? Then it sounds to me like you want to make a Hero Shooter game! Hero shooters are easy to make on account they fundamentally have only three gameplay modes: push a payload, kill the other team, and kill the other team while standing on top of a glowing circular thing. They're also equally easy to design as they require no thematic consistency whatsoever and what little writing you'll be expected to bother with will simply be character bios, which you can keep so vague as to be virtually meaningless. There's never a 'story' in a hero shooter game and what semblance of one does exist is pretense for the non-canon aforementioned three game modes you'll be forced to build around. Best of all, the individual mechanics of each hero are easy to design - just steal them from whatever games came before. Now create about three or four maps with some different sorts of themes, but don't make them in any way mechanically varied - the most complex obstacles on any given map should be walls and maybe elevators that move at a very low speed. We're making a hero shooter, not Mario Party, dammit. If anyone asks why you are essentially just reskinning the same maps you can explain that it's to ensure that the game remains a "test of the players's skills" even though that's a bold-faced lie for the same reasons people who play Super Smash Bros as "tests of skill" are full of shit. Meta-gaming retards make games algebra homework instead of fun, but that's precisely what you'll be banking on in this genre. Once you have that, we need to get into the most important thing about hero shooters: the Heroes. Heroes in these games take one of three major roles: 1) The retard scrub DPS heroes - who will be played by the vast majority of your one-trick glory-chasing mentally-stunted community under the pretenses of being 'the most fun' and will be where the better part of your "cool" themes and motifs will be dedicated toward. These work under the key principle of "Shoot everything until it stops moving" and requires zero brainpower whatsoever. 2) The under-estimated doggedly persistent Tank heroes, played by those with either the willingness to learn something other than "Shoot bad guy with gun" or those who find pressing and holding a single button for the duration of the 10 minute match time to be the highlight of their bleak office-job lives. Though, on the other hand, some of the really cool designs will ultimately end up in this family. 3) The unsung gods among men known as the Support heroes, AKA: the ones no one will actually play. These characters will never be given cool or interesting mechanics or designs, but you'll be at liberty to make as many sexy nurse outfits as you can come up with and no one will be able to tell you otherwise. Like an ungodly amalgamation of tanks and DPS, your gameplay experience will boil down to pointing at your target and holding down the button the entire match - except unlike DPS heroes, you'll be shooting at the blue team and not the red team. Now, some might argue that there are technically other families of heroes, like flankers, zone controllers, pseudo-supports who can debuff enemies, but remember that the key to any good hero shooter is keeping everything rock-stupid. Every hero should have only enough abilities to fill a role for the left and right mouse buttons and the Q and E keys. F or R can be for reloading where applicable, but if you demand anything more of your players, you're going to lose their interest because Hero Shooters are hugboxes for sociopaths who care for nothing more than getting that sweet, sweet 5-second long "Play of the Game" replay at the match's end. This is why the character who invariably rips off Team Fortress 2's Demo Man and can kill people he doesn't have direct line of sight with will always be the most popular, without exception. I mean, sure, you can have 30 or 40 heroes, each with incredibly detailed outfits, backstories, kits, and personalities but everyone will just play the Not-Demo Man so you might as well accept that your userbase is going to be the only thing more toxic than a puffer-fish or a modern-day feminist. But I repeat myself. I don't have the time nor particular inclination to tell you exactly what you need to make but I can give you some character types that are obligatory by law to be in any hero shooter game. This will at least give you a start before you realize that being creative is hard and just steal kits from better games than your own. Call of Duty Man - The main DPS hero and usually the face of your game. Typically a grizzled war veteran man and almost exclusively an American if your game is set in the real world - remember, creativity is hard! He'll have a medium-ranged assault rifle and precisely one movement skill and one healing skill in his kit making him a jack-of-all-trades. Will either be loved or hated by your community with no room for in-betweens. Sexy Healer Lady - The main support hero who is literally just TF2's Medic reskinned and with tits. You really don't need to do anything more with her, as the fanbase will handle the rest. And the less said of that, the better. Big Knightly Dude - The main tank hero who has a big shield that, regardless of origin, will be transparent so Call of Duty Man and Not-Demo Man can fire through it while guarded. Probably wields a melee-ranged weapon even if in a modern warfare setting. By law, they can never be shorter than 6'6" (or 7200 cm. Pretty sure I did my conversion right on that). Flamethrower Guy - Literally just TF2's Pyro. Mechanic - Literally just TF2's Engineer. Sniper - Literally just TF2's Sniper. Probably also a voluptuous woman in a tight suit because creativity is fuckin' hard, man. Not-Demo Man - The cancer in your fanbase you will never nerf. Doesn't matter that he can party-wipe the enemy team single-handedly without being anywhere near them because Hero Shooter maps are literally just a set of narrow corridors so his kit is extremely OP. No, better just nerf Sexy Healer Lady again, since your DPS fanbase is pissing and moaning about her again and, this time, not in the same way a cat in heat does. Next, just make characters around elemental themes. Once you have 30 or so, you can get around to actually doing really mechanically interesting and varied heroes, since there's really only like 10-15 good FPS character ideas to begin with. So don't be surprised if you have some overlap. But by then we should hopefully have completed the next major step after the game is made: alienating your fanbase! This step is easy and requires no particular skill or coordination on your part. First, make some events seasonal, such that you have at least a major event every other month. Any more than that and your fans might actually think you're trying to be anything but another generic Korean eSport event, so be sure to space them out and have at least half of them be terrible. Valentine's Day is a good excuse to dress your female heroes sexily, summer games are a fun and not-at-all tired motif, and of course you need some kind of Christmas event. Just make sure these events only run maybe 2 weeks out of the year, have lots of stuff that you can only get during those times and, as said, that most of them are terrible and not fun at all to play. And don't -EVER- make any of them PvE, as that requires coding AI characters and effort and shit - what do you think think this is? Warframe? No, terrible gimmicky PvP events will be a good start because there is no frustration quite as severe as being told you didn't grind hard enough for: Loot boxes! Shit yeah, your hero shooter's gonna have loot boxes in them! Remember, we want maximum money for minimum effort and there's nothing like a Skinner Box within the hugbox that is the sweet dopamine high of popping a loot box open only to get common drops every time! If MMORPGs have taught us anything it's that Sub-1% drops are TOTALLY good game design and aren't at all unethical and an artificial, cheap tactic to keep people hooked on your game. This is why, in addition to the e-peen bolster that is your arbitrary profile ranking also drip-feeding a loot box upon level up that you have "Weekly Resets" for additional loot boxes. This runs on essentially the same principle as a cell phone games making you wait for additional tries to make it more a habit than a game - but that's okay! You can just rationalize it away as "it was the player's CHOICE to buy 300 loot boxes for the low, low price of 799.99 USD!" and not at all a psychological compunction found in human psychology! You're not an unethical douchebag in the slightest! And speaking of douchebags, it's time for the third and most important step in alienating your fanbase: Balancing the Game! What do I mean by that? You might think it's something like "Oh, this one character has an attack that is way too powerful and so it should be retooled in such a way that it either isn't available as-often, or maybe make its hitbox narrower to make the game more skill-based" but you're dead wrong. That requires actual effort and we all know how we feel about that. So, instead, just start an eSports team. Why? So you can listen only to the DPS players from each team and only implement THOSE changes. That way, only tanks and supports get nerfed into irrelevance and since no one in eSports is ever going to play those roles anyway, who cares? Who needs healers when you respawn to 100% after 7 seconds of dying?! Who cares if the majority of your fans hate these changes and that you end up completely destroying the kits and frameworks of their favorite heroes with needless, superfluous, unwelcomed tweaks? God-damn it, the Not-Demo Man needs to be able to wipe out an enemy team with a 3-second Time to Kill! No questions! I have a very specific vision!! Once your fanbase has been alienated - congrats! You're no longer obliged to release new heroes and levels! The responsibility of server upkeep and releasing new content twice a year are lifted! Now, just reskin the entire game top-down and release a new, better hero shooter founded on the same grounds to re-capture your fleeing audience and fleece them all over again! Now repeat ad infinitum and gain unlimited money. Congrats, you're now another Chinese game manufacturer that shits out products with no care for their fans or reputation but you get to go whaling every single day and fill your bathtub with money. You're ready to work for actual Blizzard now! You're welcome.

[sunstriderling]

Just curious; How do you feel about the new mercy update? Is it good? Is it bad? Do you think she needed it? Also I love you and you're a great person I love seeing you on my feed.

I’m glad you’re asking now because if you’d asked before I thought I was dying, I would have, like. Probably started a riot and burned my whole town down just having to think about it.

It’s bs. She did NOT need it. Healing is the only goddamn thing Mercy even does; if she’s truly that overpowered, take from what the actual problem is. She’s been nerfed over and over and over and over again because of resurrection and at this point I wish they’d just take the damn thing away. Am I biased, barely even USING the damn ability to begin with? Sure I am. I don’t play Mercy for the resses, I play her because she’s the most consistent, reliable healer; I need my team alive, not dead so I can bring them back. After the nerf, if you don’t have a good second healer, she’s completely useless and you’d be better off reserving that slot for literally any other support character maybe excluding Lucio who does jack shit alone. 

Oh, yeah, about that - I’m seeing an ungodly amount of quickplay Lucio/Zen healing combos and they make me want to perish. You guys can’t keep the team alive through burst damage. Why are you even trying. 

It’s. Like. I haven’t tried competitive after the nerf, I’m sure comp’s mostly alright because you’ll always have a second healer that actually, you know. Heals. But playing Mercy on soloq, where it was occasionally painful and mostly unsatisfying before, is now completely impossible. She’s a waste of space if there isn’t someone else there, at all time, and most qp healers, I don’t fucking know what they’re doing but “their jobs” isn’t on that list for sure.

I thought I’d just. Quit the game, honestly. That’s how much I hate it. I thought I was quitting when it hit PTR, but decided against because it wasn’t live yet and at least the live version was enjoyable. Then it hit live and I nearly uninstalled on spot, only I couldn’t reason with my OCD and, you know, summer games? I need the limited time items. So I couldn’t quit. But playing, even a single game, just made me beyond upset. It’s fucking horrible.

With my group, I can do it, though. It’s. Still rewarding and nice playing with other support mains, playing with tank mains, with people who know how to play the core of the team well and reliably, who know how to make my job easier. But I honestly don’t know if I can do the things I enjoy anymore, or if I’m worth shit as a Mercy main. I don’t know anymore. And the worst part is, there’s nothing fun playing a healer that can’t heal tanks. I’ve had to just - stop, basically? First instinct was to never heal and damage boost only because one of these two has an effect on the game, but now it’s more, heal one guy up by 20%, move to next target, pray the previous target lives/gets a kill/is healed by someone else. Healing people to full health? Rarely, honestly. Even squishies.

What really upsets me the most, lmao, is that I don’t know if I can play the Genji combo anymore. She’s just. Not fast enough at healing him to keep him up against the incoming damage. And that was basically the one thing I enjoyed the most about Mercy.

So... yeah. I don’t know. I try not to think about it right now, honestly, after literally thinking I’m going to die and then finding out it’s probably the stress that’s killing me, I just. Try not to stress or think about shit that makes me upset. This nerf, though. It literally made me want to kill myself. So bad. Not that you need to put much effort into making that happen, but Mercy’s one of the reasons I haven’t. It probably did ultimately contribute to the hospital trip though lmao. Like. Just too much. I’m so tired, guys.

The only silver lining to this is that I’m a really good Moira and now that my main’s mostly useless, Moira’s the most consistent, most mobile healer behind her and I have a reason to play her. It’s fun, mostly, but I have a real hard time having fun when it feels forced - when I’d rather be playing Mercy but she’s worthless so I have to pick a class that contributes, you know? It’s a sour fucking taste in your mouth, even doing something you’d otherwise probably enjoy.

[official-alan-dabiri]

So after a lot of discussion and hard work, I talked someone into playing with Diablo builds other than full stomp build, incorporating AA build into her repertoire, as well as comboing Eternal Flame at 7 with his Q talents at 13 and 16. Naturally, the immediate response to doing so is to nerf AA build into the ground and buff the Fire Stomp talents at 13 and 16 into the stratosphere. That’s the circle of life. I talk someone into trying a higher skill build that matches more with their potential, and then immediately a patch invalidates everything I said.

Muradin, the perfect tank, has finally received the recognition he deserves. Now that his greatness is known, we can stop giving him hilariously enormous buffs and take this opportunity to bring him back down to earth. Please keep playing him, though! He’s still the best!

My personal favorite tank has been underappreciated for years as well, and we’ve decided it’s time for him to enter the meta again. As such, we’re buffing Tyrael as much as we possibly can. And what did it cost? Bound By Law’s slow. Still not sure if worth.

(Writer’s note: Buffed Tyrael is bugged. The revive time reduction from his trait is proccing off of all targets, not just enemy heroes. Also the new functionality of Bound By Law has the same bug, proccing off of all targets instead of heroes, making him nearly impossible to kill in the first place. Until this bug is fixed, please just don’t be a dick, okay? And probably ban him in draft modes. )

For the sake of everyone’s dashes, all the non-tanks are below the cut.

People keep saying we added Mal’ganis to the game, and I’m not sure if we actually did, or if they’re just fucking with me. I’ve never seen him. He’s on the patch notes, though, and it’s early March, not April 1st. So I guess we buffed “Mal’ganis” a bunch?

(Writer’s Note: Yes, I put Mal’ganis below the cut on purpose. I invite all two people who like him to fight me.)

In our efforts to capitalize on people's positive memories of some of the best characters Blizzard has ever written, we’ve been nudging Artanis gradually upwards. This final push is likely going to be enough to make him properly meta, as it gives him wave clear.

Hogger is fine, I swear to god, Hogger is fine. He’s not overpowered. We’re just going to give him a tiny nerf so that maybe people stop banning him every game. Then they’ll see that Hogger is fine! He’s not overpowered! You just need to stop banning him! Then you’ll see! YOU’LL ALL SEE!

Some people keep talking about being a Ragnaros main because they feel like playing an underpicked offlaner makes them part of an exclusive club. The best way to dispel this undeserved sense of smug superiority is to buff Ragnaros so that everyone plays him. Make room in your little clubhouse, MindHawk, because they’re coming.

Alexstrasza is not only falling off in usage generally, but she’s not even getting picked on maps where Dragonqueen is literally ideal by design. As such, we’re going to give her some very gentle extremely huge buffs.

Because we added Hogger to the game, we all had a very long conversation and apparently heroes aren’t allowed to just exist to be memes. As such, Li Li and Illidan are getting significantly buffed. You may all treat this as confirmation that we knew they were trash the whole time and were actively choosing to ignore them.

After reversing entire tiers of talents to make Illidan good, Malfurion is now the one who is jealous. So we flipped entire tiers of his talents, too. Not for any balance reason. Just because.

Our wheel of meta healers has demanded that Whitemane is supposed to be meta now. We’re giving her a significant series of buffs in service to this goal. It won’t be enough, but more will come. The wheel decides the healer meta, and we have no choice but to obey.

People keep coming up with progressively more and more offensive names for Chromie due to the oppressive nature of her current iteration. As such, we’re putting our foot down on it. By nerfing Chromie. What, did you think we would actually push back against our audience being offensive? This is Blizzard we’re talking about. See no evil, hear no evil, profit from evil.

We’ve been ignoring Falstad for a long time, but people are still playing him. The only logical response for that is a rework. Except not a rework. We’re only touching about half of the talents on his tree, so it’s not a real rework, but his talent tree is unrecognizable from previous states. Because we said so.

(Writer’s Note: Falstad’s W level 1 is bugged. He gains stacks from all targets, not just heroes. Please don’t be a dick. And maybe think about banning him in draft modes.)

Because we buffed Artanis, we couldn’t ignore the other best protoss in the game. Fenix has never for even a single second ever been a bad hero, and I have never referred to him as “fat Raynor” even as a joke. No more! He’s here to, as the terrans say, throw down with the best of them!

Mephisto is another hero who has always been good, but is now being buffed anyway for reasons that I am actively declining to discuss. This is normal now. There’s a new balance point, and it’s crazy OP, and we’re going to get every hero up here or my name isn’t Alan Dabiri.

(Writer’s Note: I am not actually Alan Dabiri.)

And for the final change, Tracer is getting a number of talents adjusted. Why? You know why. You just want me to say it, don’t you? Well, fine. Here it is from the deepest blackest parts of my heart. Talent Diversity. There, are you happy now?