#like theres always someone out there with a completely different account of how things played out

[bl00dboundbaby]

Summertime Sadness - A Tate and Violet fic

Warnings:

Angst, toxic relationship (duh), smoking, suicide, the normal stuff for them lol.

WC: 2.5k

Synopsis: Months after the events of MH, Violet is lonely and feels like she's suffocating, and theres only one person who can dull the ache in her chest.

A/N: First fic on this account!! :) I know no one writes for them but someone does now lol. Requests are open!!

(I will properly edit this tmw, I'm too tired rn.) Please don't mind any spelling mistakes, I am dyslexic.

It’s widely accepted that people who take their own life will suffer in Hell for the remainder of their afterlife.

Violet Harmon had come to realize that maybe there was truth in that, but that Hell is not fiery pits or repenting for your Sins till your throat is dry and bleeding.

Hell is living the same day over and over again, Hell is watching your parents slowly lose themselves, Hell is having to pretend you don’t hear the cries and pleads of your ex-boyfriend.

–

It had been eight months since Violet had spoken to Tate, not that time really mattered anymore, now that she was dead.

She heard him though, almost nightly, he would be in the basement, crying or screaming. She cursed the house's old vents which let her hear everything. Some nights, it just sounded like the pipes crying, or at least, she pretended that’s what it was.

The worst nights were the ones when she could feel him near her, outside her door, waiting. Completely silent but she knew he was there. Maybe it was something he was doing on purpose, but it unsettled her that she could precisely feel him in the house, no matter where he was, she knew.

Most of Violet's days were parallel to when she was alive, spent in her room listening to music, drawing, re-reading the books on her shelves, always alone.

It had been okay for the first few months, her parents had pretended to care about her, and about each other. In a lot of ways it felt like they were cosplaying as the perfect family, that quickly faded and back to their sense of normalcy they went.

Violet liked being left alone, at least that’s what she told herself, people annoyed her most of the time. It’s not like she had many choices of whom to spend her time with anyway.

There was only one person in the house who wasn’t completely and utterly annoying to Violet, and that boy stood outside her door.

The floor creaked outside her room, taking her attention away from the over-read book in her hands. She knew it was Tate. No one else checked on her anymore.

Sometimes she would play out different scenarios in her head about what would happen if she opened the door, or if he came into her room.

Did she even want him around? No, is what she’d say if anyone ever asked her. Truthfully the sick and weak part of her brain, the part that was just so tired of being lonely, wanted him. So bad.

A sickly ache sat in her chest since the day he first left her alone, no matter what she did, the ache grew and sat heavier. There was one person who could ease that ache away, it was him. It would always be him, and there was no worse fate.

Somewhere in the passing of time, that ache became too much for her to handle, she knew that at one point or another, he made her better.

That didn’t matter now, who made who better, in this house nothing like that mattered. They would all fall into deluded states, her parents had been slipping lately. It was only a matter of time before she lost her grip on reality.

—-

A bird, a beautiful bird, sat on the porch steps next to Violet.

For midsummer in LA, it was cold outside, which felt incredible against her skin. The comforting breeze also served as a harsh reminder that no matter how long she stayed here, she would never see the leaves slowly change colour like they did in the town she grew up in.

So much life she’d never get to live, so many things she’d never see. She could blame the house, her parents, even Tate, but it was her fault, no one forced her to take those pills.

Her hair blew in the wind slightly, she was thankful for her layers. Amidst the silence she shared with the bird, she felt him. He was watching her, this was previously their spot, she liked coming out here, it was the farthest she could get from the house.

Sometimes it made that ache gnaw at her chest more than usual, if she sat with that feeling too long she could recall every detail about their time together, sitting on the porch was like torture sometimes, but Violet didn’t mind. Anything that made her feel something was welcomed.

Maybe it was a good reminder that even in death she still was herself, feelings and all.

Maybe that’s why she never began to slip, like her parents.

Or, maybe, just maybe, the house had something against her and her punishment was eternal misery.

The feathered companion flew away, into the world once again.

Tate took a step forward, closer to Violet. He wouldn’t do anything, he had begged and pleaded with her far too many times to still be naive enough to assume she would grant him a response.

‘’A robin. Are those still your favorite?’’ Her soft lips moved, her body didn’t. She stared into the night sky.

Tate’s whole world felt like it came back into place when he heard her voice, so many things he wanted to tell her came crashing into his mind.

‘’Yeah.’’ Another step forward.

Silence weaved its way around them again, if they closed their eyes they could pretend this was just another night spent together, hanging out like normal teenagers do.

Violet spoke up again, her voice tighter. ‘’My parents are slipping. They don’t realize time is even passing, they’re just…there.’’ She picked at her nail polish, Tate could see enough of her to realize what she was doing, a nervous habit she had. Admittedly it was one of her better habits.

‘’Yeah.’’ With his whole body tense, he sat beside her. They weren’t close enough to touch, but that didn’t matter to him. All that mattered was that he was here, and she wasn’t moving away.

‘’At least they don’t fight with me anymore, they don’t even notice me now.’’ Her tone was laced with a bittersweet angst.

‘’Yeah.’’

‘’Can you stop fucking say that?’’

‘’Sorry.’’

The tension felt like it was moments away from snapping, mixed emotions ran through both of their chests.

Words strung together in her head, but before she could speak them he beat her to it.

‘’I shouldn’t be here.’’ His voice was whisper-like, as if he spoke too loud the silence of the night would steal his words.

‘’No, you shouldn’t.’’

Violet waited, waited for something she wasn’t sure of. Was he going to leave? Try and apologize again? She couldn’t stomach more of his victim act.

‘’Wanna smoke and bitch about something?’’ She pulled out a pack of cigarettes from her cardigan, a lighter following suit. Tate’s shoulders relaxed slightly, her words seemed genuine. His head swam with questions, but he’d take this, he’d take anything she gave him.

‘’uh, yeah, what?’’ He took a cigarette from the pack, careful not to brush his hand against hers.

‘’You spend everyday in the basement, I’m sure you’ve heard things. Tell me a story, Tate.’’ The way his name fell off her tongue made his chest heavy, filled with desire for what they could’ve had.

She turned to look at him, her eyes so sullen it was a jarring change to the anger he had come familiar with seeing.

All she wished of him was to talk, and suddenly he couldn’t even do that. Nothing of interest had happened, or well, he hadn’t listened to it, he had been a bit preoccupied with sulking. She was the only interesting part of the house anymore.

He took a minute to think, trying to come up with something at least semi interesting to get her to stay.

‘’You remember those gay guys? Yeah..’’He trailed off into a speel about some stupid argument they had gotten into, and it was at that moment Violet's aching went away.

As the night progressed she silently moved towards him, eventually she lent her head on his shoulder. It really was just like before. It felt so nice to play pretend every once in a while.

—

After the sun came up, Violet wordlessly walked inside and went back to ignoring him.

Last night should’ve been enough to soothe the ache in her chest, even for a while.

But like anything used to dull pain, she wanted more.

She felt worse, the more she thought about the night, and how he makes her feel, like maybe, being stuck here isn’t as bad as it once sounded.

She spent the day listening to cd’s and staring out her window, thinking. She was doing so much of that recently, she missed when Tate was the reason she didn’t have to think, she could just feel. He had made her feel everything, and she craved any sense of normalcy, even if that came with feelings of downcast.

No matter how long she spent looking through her window, she knew Tate would never come and check on her, in fear of upsetting her, she imagined. He hadn’t come to her door, not up the stairs or anything. He had locked himself in the basement, then again she wasn’t any better, alone in her room.

—

It was early morning, that type of morning that's foggy and gray when the yelling started.

Violet hadn’t heard that yelling in months, the type that only people who’ve known each other for years can do, the deep cutting and rough shouts. Her parents were fighting, for just a second in her groggy state she felt normal. Funny how a screaming match between two grown adults can do that.

Soon she adjusted to being awake again and tip-toed over to her bedroom door, trying to hear what they were throwing a tantrum about. As soon as she heard her own name, her throat went dry.

‘’You’re the reason Ben, the reason she’s dead! The reason we’re all stuck here for fucking ever.’’

‘’You’re blaming me for our daughter killing herself? That's a new low. Violet would’ve killed herself no matter what we did, she was broken and sad. That’s our fault Vivien. Believe it or not, you and your great parenting are included in that.’’

She was broken and sad, is that all they thought about her? She was just some dumb sad kid with no reason to live?

Was she that unimportant that her own parents couldn’t see past her gloom?

The yelling went on, this time she forced herself to walk away from the door and sat on her floor. Was this really how she’d have to spend forever? Alone and watching her parents go from brainless to arguing. In retrospect she supposed it wasn’t that different from her life when she was alive.

Before she even felt them spring to the surface, tears raced down her face.

Violet felt like she was suffocating.

Maybe she was just a broken and sad girl, forever stuck in this place with no one to talk to.

As the tears poured in such a way that seemed as if they'd never stop, a knock sounded on the door. Soft and patient. She didn’t wipe away the tears, she didn’t try and pretend she was okay, she knew who it was, and he would never believe her.

‘’Come in.’’ Her voice wavered slightly.

Tate quickly opened the door and immediately went down to the floor, grabbing her hands away from her face and holding them. He didn’t think about any of it, their past, the fights, how angry she had been with him. None of that mattered when she was upset and he could fix it if she would just let him. He could make her better, if only a little. She made him better so many times, it was his turn.

‘’Oh, Violet.’’ A sob spilled from her chest at his words, she wanted, so badly, to be disgusted by him. She waited for that feeling of pure disdain to take over her body and mind, but there was nothing. She just wanted him to hold her, hold all her broken parts like he had done so many times before. She tilted her head forward, pressing their foreheads together in embrace. The small movement, the touch she had — it was all that mattered to Tate.

‘’I’m so scared.’’ Her lips trembled as she spoke, her body shook. It was something she had never admitted aloud before. She noticed Tate’s breath on her face, the soft and familiar smell of his sweater, and the way his skin felt on hers. The ache tightened, and her throat followed.

Turning his head up, Tate placed a small kiss on top of her head in response. There was no verbal answer he could’ve given that would’ve fixed any of what she was feeling, he knew that first hand. Being stuck in this Hell House was scary, but she had made it easier for him, he only hoped he could make it easier for her, too.

‘’What do you want from me, Vi?’’ He had asked as if it was a simple question, like she could explain exactly what she wanted, like it was even possible. At his soft words she cried harder. She’d never have what she truly wanted, not in this house, not with him.

‘’Hold me.’’ Violet’s voice was desperate, lingering on pathetic with the way she looked at him, trying to hold on to any emotions she felt.

He did so without a second thought, just like she knew he would.

Tate was holding a broken girl and trying so desperately to fix her, stitch her back up, he found a sick satisfaction in it. After all this time, she still came back to him. She would always come back to him. He now knew that for sure.

For how long they would be trapped in this shit hole, this cycle would repeat.

He would inevitably say something to piss her off, she would banish him, he would spiral and self-destruct, she would realize she didn’t want to be alone, and being with anyone is better than being completely isolated.

Rinse and repeat.

Maybe they were doomed, or maybe they were better off than most ghosts left in the walls and forgotten to time, because at least Tate and Violet liked each other, even if that was only sometimes.

[magpiking]

The Diary of A Desperate Schoolgirl

ₓ˚. ୭ ◦˚.୭ ˚○◦˚ Magpi's Intro ˚◦○˚ ୧.˚◦ ୧ .˚ₓ

❧ name: Magpi/Em

➺ pronouns: any is fine! idrc.

❧ age: 17

➺ fun fact: I used to have a thing for all things creative, though thats died down as school got tough.

I'm making this blog as a way to hold some accountability over my studies. Unfortuantly, as surely many out there have experienced - I'm a classic case of :

"I used to do quite well in school! What happened to me?"

In primary (K-6), I was always a crappy student. In my memory, I often got C's, though now my parents tell me I got a few B's and A's too - but their word cannot be completely trusted. I remember the dread of reports coming back in their A4 yellow envelopes, and how I never wanted to open them because my parents, my family, my extended family even, thought grades were god. And to that line of successful, responsible thrivers of high stress, letting anybody besides intermediate relatives even have an inkling that you were supposedly stupid would mean that they would be less inclined to waste time lending you a helping hand in the future. I suppose, they had no reason to believe otherwise - all values are borne from foul truths somewhere, somehow.

Then, when I reached highschool (Yr7-12), I had the luck to manage making it into a decently academically-prestigious school, filled wih those who all shared in some degree the same sentiment.

The ugly duckling surrounded by swans all it's life had no doubt in its mind that it had the capability to fly.

This is not simply that case where the monkey, fish and bird were examined on how fast they could scale a tree. It is in human nature to wish to excel - a person who has never wanted to better themselves is firstly:

not a happy person

and secondly:

To not want better of yourself is a person with no dream, and a person who says they have no dream is a liar.

And what is this dream? Where did it come from, and how did it form? Surely such intangible impressions are sprung from fragments of what you have seen, heard, of those around you?

The monkey, the fish and the bird do not value climbing the same way as the animal that came respectively before them - but surely they too seek to excel in what matters to them, like the carp to the marlin, the monkey to the ape?

Anyways, in my classic case, maybe I'm meant for something different, something not academic. But I want to be...! "Find what you're meant for" doesn't take into account what I want to be made for. It's not common, but what happens when I put passion into something, and find out that I'm still not enough?

And anyways, even if I'm meant for something else, discovering that can come later, after this year, after my final exams, and during this time, I will continue to hold on to the belief that grades are god until I actually somehow manifest an academic comeback.

In high school, it was revealed to me that my primary school had some messed up way of marking and grading, and those poor scores finally shot up to where I wanted them to be. Where I wanted to be.

And maybe, thats where I got cocky.

Of course, theres a certain pride that comes with passing an exam with flying colours when everybody knows you hadn't been paying attention in class, or studied majorly for. It was my defining trait for a few years, how did I forget all my efforts from primary school? It was an evil sort of pride, one that brought me to the state I am now. Sure, I'm still passing, but from high 90-somethings to straight up 50% is not a good look. In fact, it's something that brings out that sickly cold in my gut, and maybe a sense of sea sickness despite sitting on my bed, on land.

... hubris. That was my hubris, what am I, a character in a play? Why am I going through hamartia??? Someone tell whoever's writing my life story to put the pen down and stop being a wannabe Aristotle, it's lame, and it's not fun.

So, I now see where I went majorly wrong. And of course, I wouldn't spend my time lamenting. And I recognise that I need to actually lock in hard, and theres still a chance for me. As much as school sucks, learning is fun, and honestly, in proper adult life, not many people have time to purely dedicate hours to master new crafts and knowledge.

But here's the problem. I'm so used to doing absolutely nothing, that I keep procrastinating, and probably a bunch more mental blocks keeping me from picking up my pen to study. It kinda physically hurts to switch from doomscrolling to focusing - which is also a warning of sorts, I guess. Doomscrolling actually kills your brain, I swear. My dopamine receptors are utterly fucked. I visited Instagram reels and Youtube shorts maybe a total of 7 times while writing this? It's insane.

I don't actually have any clue on how to run a study blog, so maybe I'm just going to put my to do list's and progress checks here, and maybe some sappy motivational quotes. Anything to keep me going.

[emperorluffy]

Interesting. Theres a lot of that I agree with. I definitely agree with Weiss not having a love interest.

When it comes to "redemption" it seems we're ultimately talking about the same thing but using different words to describe it. It wouldn't be fruitful to go back and forth over semantics or quibble about the smaller details so I'll just stick to addressing my major points of contention with this mindset.

First off I suppose I should address the Grimm. I agree that they aren't inherently evil. However I think it's false to suggest the Grimm ailments afflicting certain characters isn't something to be cured of. They by definition do not have souls which is what separates them from humanity. They objectively dont have souls. Thats part of the worldbuilding. To suggest that theres nothing to cure from them would be to suggest that something like becoming the Hound is a good or positive thing to be. It's not. At no point is this ever portrayed as a positive thing. We can acknowledge that the Grimm aren't inherently evil but we should be able to agree that this is clearly wrong. Such is the same with Cinder, who has a literal Grimm Parasite eating away at her flesh and consuming her. This is not a good or positive thing and is never portrayed as such. When it comes to things like this, and Salem, and the Hound they are all portrayed as something unnatural.

When it comes to Jaune's character I feel like his role is being a little misconstrued here. He's not really a girl in the tower. He fell in a tree once but I don't think that can be extrapolated to his entire character as he has far more parallels with Ozma than he does Salem. He even played the role of a pseudo Ozma during the Ever After. The old weary Hero who is greeted by 4 maidens who help restore him to his old self. Theres more parallels but it would be tedious to list them all. While Cinder herself is quite literally trying to be Salem.

The biggest issue I have with people ignoring Knightfall in favor of this Gillian stuff is that people are willing to acknowledge it's existence but then only look at how it's portrayed right now in the present in order to dismiss it. While being willing to look ahead at how things theoretically could be with Gillian in the future. It's a complete double standard. Why treat Knightfall for how it looks right now rather than what it could be? If you acknowledge that theres at least some setup there why not take into account the future of where it's going? Like, yeah sure it's one-sided right now but that may not always be the case. If you want to say that it's only half-built, thats still substantially better than nothing built at all for the other partners you're suggesting. Why throw all that aside in favor of potential relationship with someone Jaune hasn't even interacted with once instead of the woman who his entire conflict revolves around? It's just silly. Needlessly dismissive even. It comes off as people being terrified of the prospect of Knightfall such that they do mental gymnastics to avoid it rather than considering it.

We more or less agree on how Salem's story plays out albeit we differ slightly. Salem needs to forgive Ozma and he needs to apologize & forgive her as well. Ultimately they need to come together in the end. Restoring their romance is the key to restoring the story. Knightfall plays a crucial role in getting them to that point. As it would be the premier example to the viewer and other characters that even such impossible divides between people can be crossed with Love. Hence the Blacksmith reiterating that only Love can restore balance.

Even if there are some nice potential parallels with Gillian it just doesn't have the buildup or potential story impact that Knightfall has.

i guess there is always the question of to what extent the fractal-ozlem pattern will hold true for every endgame romantic pairing and the secondary question of whether the tension between salem and ozpin in jaune's character will eventuate as a return to form (salem) or as transformation (ozma).

but for what it's worth

<- i find this a lot more persuasive than the weiss developments in V9

it's a bit thorny all around. by design. i think he's probably intended to be puzzling. the simplest answer is jaune ecloses as the hero and saves cinder but that coexists uneasily with what's going on with cinder and salem, to say the least. not to mention the thematic treatment of fairytale heroism.

he did save neo, so there's that.

rolls over

jeanne d'arc heard the voices of saints and angels guiding her way. i suppose there's an argument to be made for the recording pyrrha left him, but given the importance of salem's piety and apostasy, jaune's distinct lack of religiosity or… belief in anything greater than himself is worth reconsidering maybe. why is he here? he cheated his way into beacon just to prove to his family that he was worth something. now he's just here for his friends. what becomes of salem if she's faithless? if she's cynical?

salem is not a cynic. she's a shattered idealist. there will be no victory in strength. mankind is strong, wise, and resourceful, born into an unforgiving world and yet even the smallest spark of hope is enough to ignite change. passion and ingenuity and resourcefulness. hope breathes fire into the hearts of the weary. hope is mankind's greatest strength. your faith in mankind was not misplaced. it's important not to lose sight of what drives us: love, justice, reverence… and so we must press on.

take all that away from her. what is left?

even cinder believes in something, in destiny as a monster to fight. "i refuse to starve."

she poses a thematic challenge to jaune's cynicism in that she puts a spear through weiss schnee, her own personal symbol of everything she's fighting against, in direct response to jaune telling her nothing matters to him except that his friends live. and then he manifests his semblance. and then cinder murders penny and he can't save her and it's his sword covered in her blood. and now he has to live with that forever.

snaps fingers

the tree is the tower. the lovable idiot stuck in the tree. that tree is death. the reason jaune is so narratively weird is he's anti-theme salem. in cheating his way into beacon he put himself in her tower.

hhh

jeanne d'arc was instrumental in charles vii's campaign to push the british out of france. vacuo just had a short-lived civil war instigated by isolationist monarchists claiming descent from vacuo's royal line, one of whom was top of her class at shade and "would have been a fantastic huntress" if she hadn't dropped out. and her semblance is the inverse of jaune's and she mirrors him in a lot of ways. she might be the summer maiden.

i am so far out on a limb here but

…huh.

the anti-theme salem's ozma ii would be the maiden of destruction.

[yammoba]

you are literally so fucking right about ranfren that I made a tumblr account after over a year clean of not having one to tell you so. The whole situation makes me so fucking upset and I hate that people feel this sick sense of entitlement that every single creator is a completely flawless saint who has never so much as had an impure thought.

Yea, its really tough because i think its worth having these kinds of discussions. Its part of why we have progressed as much as we have in terms of media and such (which in the grand scheme of things isnt actually all that much, but ehh, baby steps i guess...) But i really think its important to keep the context of the past in mind when having these discussions otherwise any critisisms are just gonna fall flat.

I also do get frustrated people seem to want to apply the same kind of standards to every work and every person. A single someones indie project that is specifically taylored to a specific demographic is not going to have the same kind of reach and "responsabilities" as something like... the marvel movies idk. Im really fighting back a disney industrial complex rant, but I'll persist.

Its also like... yeah... sometimes a work is just not "for you" like in the sense that it was written in a way that is just not going to cater to "you". I dont mean in like a traditional demographic way nessecarily, like obviously people can enjoy things outside their -demographic-, adults can enjoy kids media etc. But i more mean in like a deep aesthetic and content sense. For example i dont write my stuff with straight people in mind.

I dont know... like... i think Rent the movie/musical is problematic. I dont like it. It doesnt appeal to me even though the idea of it sounds cool, nothing about the exicution or the actual content compels me and i have a lot of issues with how the queer characters are depicted. But Rent is really important for a lot of people, even straight cis people probably, for a lot of contextual reasons that just dont apply to me. Rent is not for me. We can talk about the ways the harmful sterotypes can have real world impacts, and keep those thing in mind when crafting new stories, but theres context to why its like that and why it means stuff to people. And even though i do Not like rent, i understand theres content in it, outside the stuff that is problematic and, or the stuff that is "problematic" resonates with people in ways that arent nessecarily "yep that sterotype is true and i hate bisexuals now". Im being glib but i hope my point can come across.

And, im speaking pretty generally for all of that but it feels important to the underlying vibe of the conversation? If that makes sense.

It is tough when you find something that has parts that appeal to you extreamly deeply, but parts that you just hate or cant deal with or cant get past. Its deffinatly happened to me, and ive had to treat it differently pretty much every time because no case has been the same. No peices of media are the same, especially when taken in context. Its up to the individuals (or their gaurdians i guess) to determine what the lines are in what you can deal with at what times.

Also its frustrating because in these types of situations (lumping every troubling thing someone has ever done into a google doc with shorthand explinations and getting people to spread it around as proof that x-person is human garbage and anyone who supports them is too) people always end up having multiple converstations at the same time. Converstations that have different needs or requirements. Like with this situation theres issues of when and if certain types of depictions play into harmful histories and stereotypes and what harm that can cause and if intent matters or not, which is a media depiction issue. Issues of how fan/internet culture veiws certain things and the "generational" descrepencies that cause confusion and hurt among people wich is a media and social structure issue. Issues that arise out of some very foundational aspects of meme and internet culture, foundational in the sense that its still baked into how people act and veiw things which is a social structure issue. Discussions of how forgiveness(using that world loosly) of harmful individual action should happen, how much responsability can be placed on an individual when so much of how we act is a reflection of our place in time and space. Which in particular is a massive fucking thing and is often best understood differently from media anylisis-type jam because there are different factors at play.

They do all have stuff in common but when it comes to analyzing what harm has been done they just are not the same...

I also just... i kinda gotta rant... i know that stuff people get turned off by is very personal. So i think its understandable for people to have internal "double standards". <personal example> i cant get down with ancheint magus bride. The way the main relationship is framed and the way the main girl is treated just kinda bug me, even though i did want to like it because the designs are so good. Theres other stuff to it that makes it unappealing, but eh, it is what it is. But i fucking love cardcaptor sakura. Damn it makes me so happy. But that series is full of very -problematic- relationships, that i still kinda think are cute in the context of the story. Sakura's parents were teacher and student, touya has a past romantic realtionship with a teacher, i could keep going, lots of relationships that in that show would be horrible or strange if they happened in real life. Its interesting to think about why one put me off and the other didnt. (And i have, but its not worth going into here) But in terms of being "problematic", pound for pound card captor sakura is probably "worse".</personal example>

But... when presenting your issues with media as issues of justice, and presenting them in a way that condems anyone who doesnt fall perfectly inline with you, its weird....... to see them..... be into.... stuff thats.... also got similar.... or worse issues...........

one of my main fandoms is one thats widely detested and i have a hobby of looking at the blogs of people who complain about it, and its pretty common for this to happen.... im choking back the disney rant but.... ill make that its own post. Its not really about "what about x thing, isnt that problematic too???" Its more like... i have a concern for this mindset when paired with using it to declare people that like or produce "irredemable" media to be scum who are -litterally killing people-. because its so often unhelpful. On the surface it tends to confuse and alienate people. It can wind up making real world issues seem much more trival than they are because they are being used to explain why you dont like someone over the internet, who may be related to those issues, but is in no way a substitute for the weight of systematic opression. It leaves fertile ground for people who are truely against social justice to sweep in and use it to explain that "caring about social justice is dumb, racism is over anyways~ actually did you know white people are in danger of loosing our majority status--". Im not saying we need to taylor arguments and speech to soften the reality of things. But its important to be aware of orders of scale and reach and other factors of reality. And its important to understand where people are at. And if you are interested in fighting for justice, and explaining the problems inherent in everything. You have to actually... do that... which is a long and difficult task. And it can be hard to articulate, and stressful. And you, or people you admire, might fuck up. And burnout happens extreamly easily, especially for thise who have to deal with real world consequences of systematic opression while trying to fight it. (And itll happen way faster if the first insinct when someone fucks up is to harrase and dox them) Thats why its important to... pick your battles. Obviously you can care about more than one thing at a time, but you also dont have to try to be an avatar of expertise for every fucking thing. There are a lot of people, and we're stronger fighting together because we can all use our perspectives and expertise in the areas that suit us best.

All this to also say nothing of the very real concern trolling that happens still pretty regularly. Im not saying that is the case in this specific instance here, but its worrying because these kinds of live or die mindsets will leave people venuerble to certain types of coordinated concern trolling campaigns that have already done real harm to innocent and often mrginalized people.

Uuhhh... sorry for rambling so much, also sorry for enabling your return to tumblr... i hope you have a good time at least xD im glad you and others were able to get something out of my nonsense. I mean ultimately i just dont want people to harrase each other, thats really the bottom line with any fandom/media-spawned debate.

[rowdeyclown]

i want to hear about your pokemon ideas!

oh man this is a dangerous question bc i am about to go OFF so i'll just leave this in a read more. also keep in mind i have only played platinum, moon/ultra moon, sword, and a little bit of red and lets go eevee, so if i accidentally steal something from another game whoops. also i do have a lot of inspiration from the games i played here anyway since i am less knowledgeable abt pokemon than most people but anyway here we go

setting: several years prior to the start of the game, as low as 18 or high as 100 years (i have specific reasons for that) this region was very prosperous with many young people moving in all the time to get a headstart on a successful life. the region is known for being nearly a perfect circle and there are 18 areas of the region, each corresponding to a different type. dead center is normal type, maybe i'll make a map later if i get more interested. by the time the story takes place however, the region has become uninhabitable and anyone who didn't evacuate died. for now im calling it Ebril

legendary: part of what once made ebril so prosperous was the presence of their legendary. idk the exact type of creature it is but it was worshipped as a god and protected the land. however an unknown sickness fell over it and it let out an explosion of energy across the whole region that turned each area into a hellscape. for example, the water region completely flooded over; the grass region sprouted dangerous plants everywhere that so much as touching them could kill a person; the fire region literally just lit up on fire and hasn't burned out, and so on. not only this but the air of the whole place is toxic, though the poison air is like 5 times worse. after this explosion the legendary disappeared, and ebril was completely abandoned. it's later revealed that the legendary has died.

characters: at the start of the game there are few people in the region. in fact there are exactly 4, and they all flew in from different regions.

the leader is one Professor Pine, a young professor from wherever the fuck probably new york with ancestors from ebril. she's always been fascinated with the region and decided to start figuring out a way to fix the place and make it habitable again. with her studies she figures out there's a chance to save it and so she contacts the professors of all regions with the request to help, though only 3 other people were sent in to help due to the dangers of this journey.

the player character(s) are both present in the game, a pair of twins named Jade and Grey. their names are puns on the word jaded and the phrase old and gray. the twins hail from kanto, the region the first games took place in iirc, and the player character u choose went on a pokemon journey at age 10. at present time they are anywhere around 18-20 bc theres no way any reasonable person is gonna let a minor into this apocalyptic region. the twin you don't choose at age 10 rather than taking a pokemon journey started working as an assistant to Professor Oak, and as an adult starts studying to become the next professor. the twin you choose had their journey and got all the way through until the elite 4 which they never beat, and for several years in frustration swore off battling. eventually they couldn't resist the call to the world of pokemon they used to love and they start working as an assistant alongside their twin. when Oak is contacted by Pine he initially refuses to help, but the twins find out and volunteer to go. Oak doesn't want them to but in the end he doesn't stop them.

the fourth member of the expedition is the former champion of some region who just got knocked off their throne by some 10 year old. they serve as the rival of this game. like the twins they found out about this expedition and with nothing better to do they decided to join in just to Feel Something. unlike the twins they never told anyone they were going.

starters: at the beginning the starter is actually either charizard, venusaur, or wartortle. after all this is kanto and the player did go on the journey. the twin has the pokemon that is weak to the player and the rival has the type that is strong against it. however Pine advises against bringing the actual starters bc the environment might be dangerous. however, as someone with ancestors from ebril, she does happen to have some baby pokemon native to the region, of course of the classic typings. seeing as how none of the pokemon in the region were much affected by the changes in atmosphere so she knows it's safe to bring them.

story: the expedition starts when Pine through remote studies discovers an energy wave coming from the center of ebril, one she hypothesizes is similar to the energy that destroyed the region in the first place. at this point in time no one knows the original legendary has died, but this leads Pine to wonder if the legendary is gathering the energy after their sickness and thinks maybe it has the power to reverse the damage. she develops hazmat suits that should be able to endure most of the terrain of the land but isn't 100% sure on their durability. with all the preparations she can do, Pine and co set out to land in the dead center of ebril

once there they discover a giant crater right at the center, and at the bottom is an egg. the egg is the source of the energy wave, and they think maybe it houses a baby legendary. the player character is the first to approach the egg and the moment they get near it, the egg hatches, revealing a baby pokemon. it bears a resemblance to the legendary so they assume it is indeed the child of the former legendary, and also it's fucking adorable. whenever i picture it i think of kubfu or toxel bc theyre both Baby so it definitely is shaped similarly. after study its found that surprisingly, this baby is normal type. they're confused because while there are conflicting accounts on what the legendary's typing was, there's an agreement that it's something like psychic or fairy or dragon. however, once the baby is right next to the starter of the player, it suddenly changes to the same type. they experiment with the other starters and find that the baby pokemon does change type depending on its environment, but cannot be more than one type at a time. it defaults to normal if its kept in a neutral environment away from other pokemon. basically it's kinda like silvally

and so they're all in the direct center of ebril which represents normal type and thus the only thing wrong with it is the toxic atmosphere, however Pine theorizes that the baby has the ability to fix areas due to the type changing. she comes up with two hypotheses: either bringing the baby into say the water area will turn it into a water type and it will be able to fix the place with the typing, or if you enter the water area while the baby is a type that is strong against water like grass or electric that can help overpower it and thus reverse the damage of the area. they don't have a fighting type with them so they can't test this theory about weaknesses right in the area they're in so they can only test the first theory, and of course it doesn't work out. and so the first part of the journey starts

each member of the expedition is given a role. Pine remains at base camp and does research there, the twin ventures out to observe the pokemon and how they've changed since the apocalypse, the rival does something or other idk i havent thought abt that, and the player takes the baby to try to heal each area. the first area visited is of course the area that is weak to their starter, so grass if it was fire, fire if it was water, and water if it was grass. these three areas surround the center of course so it works out. and just like Pine hypothesized, when the baby is the strong type in this area the surrounding radius of it and thus the player is completely safe.

in the journey the player discovers healing spots that work as a pokemon center, these spots are named an oasis. the player also encounters some of the wild pokemon which have grown feral and dangerous over time, so they're unable to catch them at the moment. some point in their journey they discover some other spot similar to an oasis, however it emits a strong energy similar to what the baby emits but on a higher scale, and when the baby is placed in the spot the whole area returns to the way it used to be. and so that becomes the goal: to travel to each area with the baby and fix them with this power spot. also every time the baby sits in a power spot it gains the ability to change to the typing of the area at will. also i should mention the baby is carried around in one of those baby backpacks bc i think that would be adorable.

the world is more or less completely open, the player can travel to any area as long as long as they're wearing a hazmat suit, but the area can only be fixed if the baby has been in an area that is strong to another area and so on.

and yeah thats abt what ive got, i havent thought too hard abt stuff like an evil team or whatever but maybe i will one day who knows. thanks for asking and if u read all the way to the end thank u!

[ronnytherandom]

I forgot to watch content all week so i wrote about games ive been playing

9/2/2021: The Truman Show

You should fear your fears but embrace them and use them to guide you into the unknown, to explore and experience what life has to offer. Fear stands between you and the fullest experience of life so you must pass through it to better yourself. Heed not the walls built about you and the chains made to hold you. Though the architects insist it will preserve your life, containment is anathema to life. Do not take in faith the benevolence of powers that be; instead trust those who would support and liberate you, guide you through fear and into life.

As best I can lay it out, I think this is the philosophy of the Truman show but there is so much more to read into it also. There is critique of systems of commodification and celebrity (i.e. capitalism) reducing human beings to a consumable good as well as encouragement to find and pursue your goals despite adversity and even sensibility which is also tied to the illusion of economic responsibility. You can’t put a camera inside a human head, you can never “know” them without being an active and intrinsic part of their life, but also there is need for reciprocation. If one half exists with ulterior motive then the entire relationship is rotten; sincere humanity is what creates real connections. Without such your world is fake. A world built around one person is a world where no one can truly live. All these actors have given up basically their entire lives for the sake of watching Truman have his life built around him by outside forces, have allowed themselves to be commodified and dehumanised for the good of one man, Christoph. The man at the top has delusions of grandeur and thinks only of his own bottom line, he cares not for his subjects but simply wants them to do as he tells them because it benefits him to commodify their lives and interactions. Even then he cannot stand to lose control and in seeking to demonstrate Truman’s “realness” he structures his life so thoroughly that eventually there’s no reality left, only a script and adverts. But the people watching still empathise with Truman because everyone in the working class understands what it is to be trapped because real life is our own Truman show and one day we must all pass through fear, step out of the dome and create a real life for ourselves outside of the system of commodification which consumes everyone’s life and removes all realness and sincerity and emotional catharsis from it.

I unreservedly love this film.

14/2/2021: Assorted Game Reviews

Horizon Zero Dawn (Unfinished due to technical issues, 45 hours inc. parts of Frozen Wilds): This game is really cool and really fun. I think it is defined by its incredible setting which somehow creates a fresh feeling post-apocalyptic environment. Said environment creates intriguing alt-future lore and some very interesting environments to explore. I love the machine designs (especially tallnecks!) and was very sad to hear one of their contributing artists passed away recently but I’m glad their work lives on in this visually stunning game. I’m a sucker for Ubisoft-style open world games simply because it tickles a certain kind of itch and somehow this non-Ubisoft game has outdone Ubisoft on their own formula, which is hilarious, but also good for me as running around this world exploring and clearing map markers is engaging fun. Not least because of the combat. I have a minor criticism here that the combat feels slightly awkward on mouse and keyboard, the arrows never seem to go where I’m aiming, but aside from that the experience of fighting is a grand one. Enemies never lose their threat and I love the weak spot system the game employs which makes every tool useful in niche circumstance and rewards curiosity. It specifically manages this in a way that I feel the Witcher series could learn from if it ever returns; by making head on assault less viable and encouraging tactical hunting. I do feel this system makes hunting robots so fun that by contrast hunting humans becomes a chore however, though I noted this improves in the dlc with the addition of humans with elemental weaknesses limited in number as they are. I cannot speak for the story in entirety but what I encountered was pretty good, though I feel as if it was only just really getting going at the point where I could not continue. I find Aloy to be a compelling and well portrayed protagonist and though I can guess about her origin and the ultimate end of the alt-future apocalypse I still want to see how it plays out on screen, so will return to this as soon as I’ve fixed it.

Rimworld (122 hours. Familiar with but do not own Royalty Expansion):

Rimworld is one of those super special games that I don’t think I have a single problem with. Fair warning it can be brutal and is heavily dependent on RNG but this allows it to create truly unique and interesting scenarios on a constant basis. In the wider perspective it could be described as formulaic, with regular cycles of managing the settlement between raids and random events, but the devils in the details. Colonist traits, health and skills dictate how you play and sometimes you’ll be forced to adapt as some colonists simply refuse to perform some tasks. The depth of health particularly amuses me, in that each little part of someone’s body is modelled in a way. If you’re in a firefight you may take a single bullet which grazes your finger and you’re fine. Alternately it could pierce your human leather cowboy hat, your skull and kill you instantly and the game will tell you exactly what happened. The risk/reward element is addictive enough, and that’s without accounting for just how cool it is to see your colony slowly expand. Establishing more and more options for crafting is fun and shows off the full range of different items in the game which is fucking extensive. Between clothing, weapons, armour, sculpture and drugs to name only a few you have the opportunity to create many varied production lines either for your colonists or to trade for money and there is a lot of fun to be had here as well as it is quite satisfying to see psychoid you have grown personally become the cocaine your colonists snort to help them stay awake on limited sleep. From an archaeologist’s perspective it is especially cool to look back over your base and see the hints of how and why structures were built and remember the history of your limitations and development through structure. I think the lore of the universe is really cool too, a very 40k-esque kind of place except with far less order, somehow. But the universe does an excellent job of feeling alive and moving constantly on both a planetary and interstellar level. You can fully believe that while you build wooden shacks to shield yourself from terrifyingly low temperatures there are simultaneously rich pieces of shit living it up on the glitterworld that’s one system over. The music does an excellent job of creating the wild west frontier atmosphere the game cultivates to great effect. Ultimately, for just being a grid with a series of different numbers attached, this game does a fantastic job of creating a compelling, brutal and very real colony management experience. I dont think I can properly put into words the grandness and scope of this one. I didnt even mention the modding scene, which is expansive and tailors to basically any need you could have. The Rim is a terrifying place but theres so much fun to be had.

Factorio (86 hours, mostly 1.1): Having completed a game of Factorio I can tell you reliably that this is one of the best games ever made, thoroughly addictive and fun. If you like numbers, logistics, TRAINS, its gonna be your thing. Not to mention its probably the only documented case of a game with no bugs (so far as official forums are concerned). Strictly speaking this games combat is not the most engrossing thing but good lord do you feel it when you acquire a flamethrower. The way each aspect of the game (production, research, logistics, combat, upgrades for everything therein) feeds into the next is a really well constructed balancing act such that you must experience the full game in order to complete it and I always appreciate this kind of design. I think its one of the best tenets of factory game design especially as its something present in Satisfactory too. Beyond all of this generalised good the game is also excellent in its intricacies, the architecture necessary to build a maximum efficiency base, the level of planning and organisation that can be employed is mind-blowing. Not to mention the mod community, factorion is already an extensive experience and some mad bastards have seen fit to complicate it further, hats off to them. This really is a great moment in gaming.

 Destiny 2 (198 hours, all expansions, played some post Forsaken release, mostly Season of Arrivals onwards, spent roughly £20 on microtransactions):

This is a very interesting and enjoyable experience, but I must say it can be a bit controversial at times. What its does particularly well is moment to moment gameplay and design in all aspects. The game is stunning; between environments, cosmetics, shaders ships and ghosts there’s a vast range of incredible things to see, all rooted in the “pseudo-magi-science” aesthetic it’s got going on. The class design is excellent and you really do feel like you embody this rampaging madman / agile gunman / space wizard archetype, whichever you choose to play. The abilities, especially supers, are very satisfying. Everything has heft and power behind it which can be felt in all aspects of design; sound and animation is top notch. Movement is cool, you can feel how fast you move both on foot and in vehicles and the navigation has a little fun subtlety depending on your class jump, even if you can bounce unpredictably occasionally. But for the love of god why is the wall kick in there? It has only ever served to push me from a ledge into a bottomless pit. You're looking to remove antiquated content? Start there. Some guns are not so good to shoot but there’s such a great range of guns that are fun its like complaining about one drop in an ocean; and enemies are fun to shoot at, each faction distinct in meaningful ways and presenting an effective challenge. Speaking of oceans, that’s one way to describe the lore. I haven’t dived too deep but it keeps going down forever and everything I’ve read is intriguing. As a former Elder Scrolls lore nut this is something I could definitely sink my teeth into, though its much more of a pulpy sci-fi vibe than a pure nonsense vibe. I do think the game has a bit of a loot problem, primarily in regards to the conflict between high stats and looking good. This should never be a conflict, and yes you can apply ornaments to any purple gear but that’s not enough when I spend the entire time grinding power levels and thus must change armour and weapons on a constant basis to progress. This game needs a true transmog system and if not that, rethink how gear power level works. Perhaps rather than earning new instances of gear you always possess a version of it and the loot you acquire in missions just upgrades your instance to your current overall power level? This would serve to do away with the current upgrade system which I think is a needless additional grind. Perhaps it could be retained in using enhancement cores to empower gear as present but necessitating a whole upgrade module to keep your favourite weapon on hand is kind of painful honestly. There is also at present the issue of sunsetting gear, mildly controversial to say the least. If it’s necessary to streamline the game and make it function moving forward so be it but surely loot pools should be adjusted so you can actually get useful loot from older locations? And why sunset personal instances of gear which can be acquired at the regular power level anyway? I had to throw away my favourite bow and hunt down a new version of the exact same weapon for… what reason? I do think destination navigation leaves a little to be desired also. I get that having a physical hub world is meaningful but Destiny does not have a very extroverted community; I can count the times someone noticed me in the tower on one hand. And its not even like there’s fun activities to be found in the same sense as say Deep Rock Galactic, which really does take advantage of its hub. Perhaps for players who simply want to go about their business all of the vendors could be set into a menu system where just clicking an icon takes you to their menu from anywhere in the system rather than, per se, having to go through an entire loading screen (Which takes you to orbit and back) to reach a location which serves simply as the front for four menus. These are established player problems. As a dedicated PvE player I can say that this game is immensely fun in combat and growing in power does feel really good. It’s something I recommend getting into, there’s just some very large creases that need ironing which the Bungie should really take the time to address rather than pushing out new in game content every three months.

[mostlikelyshutup]

thoughts while watching the first harry potter:

listen i started this list a little late im ngl but notable thoughts so far are me thinking of dumbledore as a gay idiot and still loving hagrid

do you think hes speaking in parseltongue in the zoo when hes speaking to the snake

forgot boats existed

these idiots do scream a lot dont they

i forgot how light hearted this universe really is in the first couple movies

yer a wizard harry, okay hagrid maybe slide him into it a little better

we get it tuney you have fucking trauma, doesnt mean you should abuse a child

hasnt everyone had their name down since they were born, hagrid? theres a list

i like that his umbrella is pink

are you paying for those damages hargid? stop taking the door off the hinges

though, if the dursleys are, keep breaking shit

speaking about dragons on the the fucking tube, its a miracle harry didnt get in trouble with the ministry sooner

what is hagrid's usual? does anyone know???

fucking Quirrell, cant wait for your epic love story with the dark lord

maybe we should tell the 12 year old how the fuck everyone knows his name, just maybe

they do a great job of getting the wonder down pat

how much money and licensing do you think it took for them to get all these owls on set

ahh yes, antisemitism the bank

how many vaults are in gringotts?? also if harry's vault is the potters vault, a literal like sacred 28 family, one of the original families, and its number 600 something, how many were there before the potters?? did the potters get a vault recently? or is this james and lily's vault?? how rich were james and lily if so??

look at ollivander, crazy tinker uncle, love him

this might be the socialist in me but why do people have to pay for wands if everyone needs one??

why is the dark lords twin wand just sitting around on the shelf, ollie me boy??

do you think thats Harry's true wand or do you think thats because of the horcux thing?? do you harry had to get another wand after he died?? did he? i dont remember the last movie

is ollie me boys actor wearing contacts or are his eyes just like that??

thats a very weird way of showing Halloween 81, very misleading

hagrid said ill predict voldys rise in the first movie so we can have some plot development

hagrid is late to everything isnt he? i can feel it in my bones

i swear ive seen these movies, and ive even read the first book, i just dont remember shit

youd think theyd have someone in the know stationed close to the entrance for the platform, for any muggleborns

ginnys actress really had no fucking lines in this movie did she, just had to stand there

oh wait she said good luck

amazing work ginny

ooh a warm filter

can muggles see the express? like just running from london to scotland

wicked!

you didnt have to show the woman the sad sandwich ron

i think the trolly replenishes magically, i think thats how thats how that works, i want to believe that

god i cant tell if i would love or hate hermione, shes pretentious but so was i at that age

god dont fucking point your wand right in someones face mione

how does mione know who harry is?? why does she care?

look at the tiny first years, might just go and pinch theyre cheeks

MINNIEEEE i love you minnie

looking stunning minnie, the green brings out the sternness in your brow

you go minnie, give your speech, thats my head of house

shut up draco, youre not bond

you pretentious fuckwit, your hair is brassy anyways

if this is a class of kids born in the middle of a war, how big are the usual class sizes wtf

THE FUCKING CLAP

fucking propaganda ron, you slytherin hater

what order are these names going in, did they just randomized the list

oooh we get quiet for the boy who lived, jesus let him keep living

the fact that for the rest of these people its just silent is so fucking funny to me, Harry's just fucking whispering to himself

get their attention minnie

me dads a muggle, mums a witch, bit of a shock for him when he found out

NICK, love to see you buddy

i have no emotional attachment to peeves but i feel i should mention him here

the stairs still piss me off, why the fuck would you make moving stair cases

who sets out gloves for the next day? am i the weird one who doesnt??

Minnie, you are the love of my life

shut up snape you dramatic bloodpurist incel

i know theyre setting him up to be mistaken as the villain but jesus christ hes still an asshole

your robes Neville, you forgot your robes

its weird how they have to learn all these latin charms yet only have to say up to get their brooms to work

why wont you go after him, hes obviously not exactly in control, Hooch

does Hooch only teach first years? she is quite literally the equivalent of a history teacher who coaches football

what the fuck is Quirells classroom

they dont make the house teams because no first years can try out, Ron

MINNIE PLAYED QUIDDITCH?!?!? WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS

why didnt you speak up earlier Mione wtf

bc the fire wont give you away, harry, better hide

FLUFFY, WHOS A GOOD BOY

they have much worse things locked up in the school, Ron

Oliver wood is a bloody liar because i still dont fuckign understand quidditch, also theres like 500 rules, wtf

thats a shitty explanation of how the game works, Oliver

BLOW IT UP SEAMUS

SHES TWO FEET BEHIND YOU RON YOU IDIOT

carrot cake? on halloween?

dont shrug as if you didnt literally bully her ron

thought youd oughta know, bit of an understatement Quirell

no duh the trolls left the dungeon ron

lying: the best start to any friendship

we're at a net zero points for gryffindor for the year at the moment

the amount of interaction these kids have with professors is so weird to me, is this what small class size do to kids?? its weird

not comforting Oliver

Okay i understand Oliver simps now, I get it okay

are there no backups or subs for quidditch? feels like there should be, like of all the games

set him on fire mione, i know hes not the villain of the movie but god he sucks

fancy flying from harry fucking potter

okay but also i feel like there are some things we should not trust hagrid with, like hes not that great at keeping secrets

why is harry excited about christmas if he thinks hes not getting presents? i knw there are other aspects but like thats the only reasont o get up early

i always remember this scene at night for some reason??

not just an invisibility cloak, THE invisibility cloak ron

btw who gives it to harry? is it remus? is it dumbledore? is it like an inheritance thing? whats up with that?

there are jumpscares in harry potter

he very much can hide, filch

stop being a narc mrs norris

does harry even know what his parents look like at this point? how does he know who the fuck is in the mirror of erised?? he doesnt have that stupid scrapbook yet does he

oh they nod, sure lets clear up that plot hole

they shouldve put sirius and remus in the mirror in that scene, shown his whole family, wouldve been a nice setup

how does rupert grint already look so tired as a twelve year old

big speech to give to a twelve year old Dumbledore, when you wont even tell him what you see

Emma really does just slam that book on Daniels hand, thats mustve fucking sucked

the fact that ive watched two movies that had Nicholas Flamel in two very different roles this year is very strange to me

well thats probably on account of it being a fucking dragon egg hagrid, now isnt it?

was hagrid a hufflepuff? i think he was, maybe a ravenclaw

yes four, you blonde idiot

that shot is really nice, it sets them apart

what happened to filch to make him such a miserable man?

ooh mention of werewolves, awooo werewolves of london

yeah just dip your whole hand in hagrid, dont be scared of the strange liquid, take a nice little bath

i loev that dog, i want that dog, i want to hug that dog

god just the look of that forest is so bloody cool

wait so is that quirell walking fucking backwards?

maybe ask who the fuck youre talking to before asking other questions??? wtf harry

why are yout talking to the centaur like hes your old friend harry, youve literally never met him before

snape doesnt want the stone at all Harry

god hagrid you sweet stupid man

snape is completely valid for that, if a twelve year old ever looked at me like that i would punch them

Do you think people ever loose invisibility cloaks? like theyre invisible do you think they ever just never get found again

i hate the look of the dog spit, that is so gross

they really left everything in except for the fucking potions didnt they, damn

harry potter walked so queens gambit could run

hermione, posted up

rons stupid in the later movies because he got a concussion as a twelve year old

god harry really posted up to beat up snape in fucking khakis

"I knew you were a danger to me!" Hes twelve, Quirell

let me wait for this weird dude to unravel his head scarf instead of running away

the magic in this movie is real fucking conditional isnt it

just some casual necromancy for the stone? you sure about that voldy, you two faced bitch?

let me choke out this twelve year old real quick

oh yeah why is he able to just avengers endgame Quirell? is there an answer to that? like was that ever found out

do you think voldy passing by him while he hold the stone actually killed him but since he holds the stone hes functionally unkillable and then some magic gets put into him and thats why he can return to life later when he actually goes to the whole afterlife place?

ohhh we're vouching on the blood magic for the endgaming of Quirell

do you think dumbledore came across the vomit flavored bean before or after his sister died?

Mione's got a headband! Looking snazzy!

how did Hufflepuff only get 352 points? Gryffindor literally lost 150 points this year and they only beat them by 50, wtf, is it because they kept getting caught with weed

I wont even speak on the fucking outrage that is this point awarding, its already been spoken on. However, Neville shouldve gotten more points

What if someone just stood up and started challenging Dumbledores math, that would be so funny

some of these extras are really attractive

but james potter is somehow so fucking ugly why did they do that to my mans

hagrid deserves the last shot of this film, i love him, he deserves everything, that stupid sweet man

[corvidshipping]

modern au red/milo dump while i try to get myself together to answer asks nd work on ATJ:

(tw for alcohol mentions near the end, also this is an EXTREMELY long post, its so long that even after i split it into categorized sections each section could be its own post)

CLOTHING

milo absolutely has no sense of fashion. i feel like this is basically canon - for the styles at the time, he dresses fairly basic, mostly focused on looking put together for his job (definitely dresses aimed more towards how he would like to be treated by his peers, despite his actual position - then again our best example outside of the expedition is when he's about to deliver what he considers the most important presentation of his life, so who knows, maybe he usually dresses like a slob). aside from that his main concern seems like practicality and comfort. his wardrobe is dominated by earth tones - beiges and greens set with white and greys. all of that taken into account, i can see him dressing like this in a more modern era:

basically- a lot of cardigans, usually collared shirts or comfortable turtlenecks (since he does still occupy a research position at the smithsonian, even if only in title), big ol' coats, khakis and chinos and slightly stiff dress pants complete with ironed creases. i can see him wearing similar clothes outside work, just more comfortable - jeans and knitted shirts, henleys, more turtlenecks, and comfy cardigans over short sleeved shirts. i dont really see him wearing a lot of prints, i think he'd veer more towards solid clothes in lighter colors, but maybe he has a few. hes definitely the kind of guy to think of wearing the single graphic tee he owns as "bold and wild".

im very married to the idea of him wearing converse though. i cant explain it. milo in converse keeps me going in this world

hes kind of broke so i think maybe he got the converse secondhand maybe? or a gift of some kind. aside from the converse i can see him wearing a lot of oxfords and maybe wingtips

i want to see him in a hawaiian shirt so bad. i am losing it at this thought. he buttons it all the way up to his neck like someones awkward dad. milo wears a hawaiian shirt to "let loose". he wears it with like, khakis. or knee length jorts AHHHHDJHDSGJHDSJGh

a tie??? does he wear his hawaiian shirt with a tie???? does he think it makes it look cooler?????????? i am sobbing

red is the COMPLETE opposite. in the canon 1914 setting, red is already very rebellious for an AFAB person of their era- theyre openly a suffragette, they frequently refuse to wear skirts even in public and dress in mens clothes even before they were openly nonbinary, despite not being accepted into the male-dominated research fields and colleges they continue to educate themself with or without help, they purposely aim for an "unfeminine" silhouette when they dress, refuse to wear corsets, etc. (spoiler alert- there's a clear reason they get on so well with audrey in ATJ)

theyre also easily mistaken by people that didnt know them prior to their transition for being just a very small/young cis man- even though they canonically have a very soft "traditionally feminine" face

so basically, in any era theyre set into, red is always gonna aim to be ahead of the curve- both in their personal beliefs and practices and in their fashion. theyre also very androgynous in their clothes, although they tend to aim a bit more masculine (thats partially due to the era though, and having been forced into skirts exclusively for their entire life- i think in a modern setting where its more acceptable for AFABs to dress and act in a less hyperfeminine way, theyd be more okay with a fluidity in their gender presentation).

all that taken into account, i can see them dressing like this:

lots of baggy clothes, especially baggy jackets and shirts. they like loose fitting high waisted pants like JNCO jeans, cargo pants, etc but they arent averse to pencil legs. they rarely ever wear skinny jeans or drainpipes though. messy hair is a lifestyle for them- their haircut is definitely home-done

you know how in BICSTLY they used to have really long hair before they cut it? in a modern au i can see them impulsively doing the cut at like 3am and waking milo up at his door cause they screwed it up and he ends up having to help fix it (even though hes literally no better at cutting hair than them. worse even)

definitely have an undercut bob- bob on top, shaven on the bottom layer. they might end up growing their hair into a mullet at some point if they get bored. probably dyes their hair all the time out of boredom and then regrets it later and has to use dye remover.

lots of ripped tights and fishnets, leggings with big loose crop tops, big hoodies, safety pin jewelry and homemade jewelry. maybe some sticknpokes.

all that said, they still know how to dress in a professional situation. since its a modern au theres really nothing holding them back from the education and career they canonically want but cant get in the 1910s, so i imagine they would work at the smithsonian as well, maybe their father helped them get the job? potentially in that case they might be his assistant- after all, he trusts their opinion on artifacts more than anyone else's.

at work you can still very much see the punk/skater/grunge/goth style but its more understated- turtlenecks, high waisted and looser dress pants, lots of black, slightly unbuttoned collared shirts with a loose overcoat and no tie

since i elaborated on milos shoe taste i may as well elaborate on red's: they definitely wear converse as well, probably newer than milo's since their father is fairly wealthy and they can afford it. they also have a doc martens collection. they have a pair of demonias but they never wear them and milo is really the only person to even know they own them, let alone see them in them. they really dont like to wear heels much, but they own a few just to play around with. they have a bad habit of wearing any laced shoes untied, but they never trip over the laces. they also use lace code- their most-worn Docs have purple laces on the right foot and yellow on the left. some of their Docs have (reclaimed) pink laces.

has an extensive pin collection including feminism pins, anti-racism pins, punk-related pins, skater-related pins, and pop culture pins (80s music, modern music, old movies, etc)

MUSIC TASTE

milo's into a lot of older music- stuff from the 50s is his favorite. really into jazz and ballroom style stuff. his favorite band is queen, i think- he likes the old-fashioned sound, the jazz-chamber-ballroom influences, the diversity of their lyrics, and the complexity between the guitar riffs, the basslines, and freddie's vocal runs as well as the vocal harmonies.

sometimes he hums good old fashioned lover boy to red and they two-step in the living room in their pajamas :pleading:

also very into rush. yes, he is a rush guy :pensive:.

also listens to a surprising amount of lo-fi? he really likes stuff that remixes older music with hip hop and lofi elements, like earl grey. nearly exclusively into instrumental stuff but also very into louie zong. he listens to it while he works a lot.

knows a lotttt of foreign artists, especially niche ones. fuckin LOVES casiopea

red's spotify is a goddamn mess. everything from 2000s emo, to classic 70s punk, to post-punk and new wave, to 90s pop, to rap. they cant be easily classified at all

their favorite bands are oingo boingo, prince, queen (they listen to a lot of their harder-rock music, but milo knows theyre into the ballads too. theyll never tell anyone else though), doja cat, lil nas, fall out boy, and billie eilish.

red recites the intro monologue to lets go crazy very seriously to make milo laugh, sometimes. they get very into it with their facial expressions. sometimes it devolves into a full air guitar/keyboard/drum and wild dancing session. milo does not know how to participate in this but he loves watching them have fun with it. sometimes they pull him off the couch to make him dance with them, though

they are a huge sucker for dark pop, vaporwave, retrowave, EDM, hip hop, emo, punk... etc etc. anything that combines any two or more of those genres in an original or interesting way gets their attention right away

there's a lot of sharing between the two of them- even though their music tastes are so different, they like a lot of the others taste, and theyre always up to listen to whatever their partner is playing.

red is a huge softie, and milo has found them more than once listening to or humming something he was playing for them the other day because it reminded them of him

speaking of which- in the 1914 canon, red can play piano. i think that carries over to a modern au, where they could play piano and by extension keyboard. i like to think they experiment with a lot of instruments but i doubt they ever really mastered any others. maybe theyre okay at drums or bass?

they learned to play and sing teo torriatte for milo, as a surprise. when they first performed it for them, they had everything set up for when he got home from work- the lights were dimmed, they had candles lit around the keyboard, they draped stuff in cloth to make it look pretty, they scattered flower petals around. when milo walked in and saw it all, he almost proposed then and there- the only thing that stopped him was that he would kick himself for the rest of his life if he did that without a ring.

HOBBIES/ACTIVITIES

milo is still an avid chess player in this, but i like to think hes in some kind of groupchat or text or discord server for it. he doesnt necessarily consider any of the others in the chat close friends, but he does know them all by name

he tries to get red into chess but they never really get it

he tells them all about the stuff that goes down in the games and they just. do not understand. but they love listening to him get excited about it anyway

"red you're not gonna BELIEVE this, eddie played an italian game on star today! i thought for sure she would see through it since everyone knows it but she slipped and he beat her in like, 13 moves! i wouldnt have believed it if i hadnt been there!"

"yes sweetie please tell me more" (barely disguised pained expression)

red is a skater and a regular at the skate park by the smithsonian

most regulars there know them by name, they can spot a newbie a mile away

they have a sticker of a broken tv with a skull inside of it on the underside of their board, its become recognized as a symbol of them unofficially

since theyre so regular and have been going there a lot longer than most of the other skaters that frequent the place, a lot of what they say is kind of just accepted as the rules

they have a bad habit of lecturing new kids who show up without knee/elbow pads or helmets at the very least. all the other skaters enforce it too. kids dont end up showing up without protective gear very often after their first visit

they brought a first aid kid and left it there and everyone has kept it stocked pretty well without them having to have much input. its kind of just a communal first aid kit

they once drew the broken tv symbol on the inside of a half-pipe and everyone started calling it red's ramp after that

they also started calling the bowl at the center of the park the Soup Bowl and now thats just accepted as the name. some of the newer kids genuinely thought that it was called that by the park and were shocked when they found out it was just a random nickname red gave it one day

theyve brought milo a few times but hes extremely awkward on his feet and could never really get his balance on a skateboard, and quite frankly red is afraid of what might happen if he tried even a low ramp, so he usually just sits at the rim of the bowl while red skates around

everyone knew he was their boyfriend before they even met him. a few of the regulars called him by name right away. one of them was certain red had brought him before.

but no

they just talk so fuckin much about him that its like they already know him

aside from skateboarding, red is pretty good on rollerskates/blades

they tried to take milo to a roller rink once but it was a disaster and they ended up going home, changing into pajamas, ordering chinese food, and marathoning movies till they fell asleep on the couch together. so not a total loss

theyre both very into movies. red is deep into horror and milo likes indie/art movies and just Cannot handle horror at all, but they both agree on old movies, from the 80s and 90s to like the 30s.

red has shown milo some of the classic horror movies and the niche old ones (from like the 40s) since theyre not difficult to stomach

every so often when red brings up wanting to see a horror movie milo is like "aw babe we can watch that tonight i promise it wont be bad" and he genuinely thinks he can handle it this time

he cant

he never can

it is always a lie

red ends up holding him every time and talking him to sleep, but it thankfully never causes like a major panic attack or anything like that

they love going to museums together, of all kinds. they love art museums. they also go to aquariums and aviaries

sometimes they like to go to other history museums and criticise the veracity or accuracy of exhibits/translations, all in good fun of course. theyre never actually being mean about it

SIDENOTES/UNCATEGORIZED

they both used to work at starbucks, when they were younger and before they worked at the smithsonian. they worked at separate stores 2 blocks from each other.

milo cant stand soda or carbonated drinks, red can and will chug a java monster in order to survive a long workday if they must. milo is constantly concerned for their health and wellbeing

they r both lightweights when it comes to drinking. they can split a six pack and both be falling-over drunk by the end of the night.

given the changes in beauty standards people DEFINITELY think milo is more attractive than they would in 1914. cmon. hes a lil twinky nerd. you think people wont eat that up?

he never really catches onto the flirting much though

did u think i would forget ki/da and the others? youd be wrong.

i simultaneously like the idea of something similar to the movie happening, but also just like... ki/da just being a regular person living on the surface. in either case they r all friends still

in the case of ki/da just being a regular person on the surface- i like the idea of atl/antis just being A Place in this au, maybe its a bit of a closed off country though? like, not many foreigners live there and to get there you basically need to be there as a diplomat or a scholar

maybe ki/da visits DC as a diplomat? she is a princess, after all

red meets audrey online cause they both yell at the same misogynistic asshole on twitter

they exchange discord names in the replies of the tweet and tell the guy not to interrupt them while theyre talking in his replies

i like to think red and milo are selected to go on an academic visit to atl/antis (to learn about the culture, with permission of the king), and audrey ends up as the mechanic on the ship during the visit and theyre like (spiderman pointing meme) at each other

red and audrey have so many inside jokes that they basically speak a different language. milo gets some of the terms from context and pop culture (they use "so very" in real life- as in "wow, that shirt is so very.") but he is hopeless to learn all of it

one of their inside jokes is any variation of "milo hot girl summer" and they REFUSE to explain it to him no matter how much he begs

milo wears that iconique tank top on the ship and they say it literally any time he bends over, picks anything up, reaches for anything, moves, BREATHES. he is bewildered and at this point concerned

(in truth, the joke came from red taking a really blurry picture of him in a short sleeve shirt where he looked pretty cute and captioned it "milo's having a hot girl summer rn" and they just could not stop repeating it once audrey met him IRL)

they have a minecraft world. i do like to believe that every so often vinny finds a way in- theyre never sure how- and griefs the shit out of them by blowing up EVERY. monument.

this post is getting long bc im enraptured by the idea of an atl/antis modern au so im cutting it off here but expect WAY MORE later

[s-mething-mbti]

Hiya! I just discovered your blog and was wondering if you could help try to type me (sorry this is pretty long)

1. I’m currently pretty torn between the intuitive introverts. I was able to narrow it down to INTJ, INFJ or INTP. I’m about 97.2% sure I use Ni. The only thing that’s giving me a bit of doubt is I find myself occasionally learning for the sake of learning which I’ve found is a traditionally Ne trait. Despite this I’m still pretty sure I use Ni as when I go down a rabbit hole and start learning for the sake of learning its always about a topic that interests me or is entertaining. I won’t waste my time learning about something I find mundane or drab. I resonate a lot with Ni’s “aha” moments where the correct answer simply pops into my head or a vision suddenly seems clear or a plot holes solution suddenly seems painstakingly obvious. I also resonate with starting out with a broader range of information/ possibilities and narrowing it down to one or two things. Another intuitive thing I highly relate to is living in the future. If almost never living in the present, and a constantly fixate on the future. I have a distinct, clear, and well thought out plan for the next 20 years (give or take).

Where I run into a bit of trouble is when I try to figure out which judging functions I predominantly use. It honestly feels like I use them all (though I know you’re only supposed to be able to use two well). For example I plan out everything, and set deadlines for myself. My desk often seems really messy to others especially when I’m doing art. This isn’t because I don’t value cleanliness, but because it simply makes more sense to keep all my art supplies out rather than having to spend at least fifteen minutes taking them out and then putting them away only to take them right back out the next day. I set goals based off of easily measurable, external things such as time, or grades. I make daily to do lists that outline everything I’ll need to do in the day, and some stuff to focus on if I have extra time. With my to do list I also plan out the approximate time each thing should take. When coming up with a scientific theory, I take others opinions/theories and test them against each other, and current scientific laws in order to formulate the most probable theory. External opinions (in a scientific/ logical manner) mean a lot to me (I don’t really care about how people that aren’t my friends think of me). To me these things seem very Te. But then I’m always smiling and am a fairly warm person. I want my friends to be happy, and I want to help others. I despise emotionally driven conflict(though I love debates), and while I’m not afraid to disrupt it if it threatens my morals/ is promoting something blatantly wrong (factually or morally) I do really harmony. These seem like pretty Fe things to me. As for Fi, I rarely share my negative emotions, preferring to deal with them predominantly alone. While I may not talk about them much I also have EXTREMELY strong morals. If something is crossing them I’m not going to simply ignore it for the sake of harmony. While I tend to be private I do try to be as authentic as possible. My morals are derived by information I’ve collected and decisions I’ve made myself, rather than being derived by ‘the groups’ collective morals if that makes sense. To me these things appear to be very Fi. As for Ti, sometimes I enjoy learning simply for the sake of learning. The knowledge may have no practical use to me but if I find it interesting or want to learn about it I can devote hours to it. I try and come to the most logical/accurate conclusion possible, and when I’m offering advice I may offer additional advice that takes different variables into account. The truth is really important to me as well.

2. Reading. I absolutely ADORE reading(specifically fantasy/sci-fi/dystopian books or research/scientific articles about topics that interest me). For reference there was a period of time when I had some free time and I was reading 2 or 3 books a day? Read maybe 50 books in the span of 20 days? But yeah I absolutely love reading. Just he way the book sucks you in and deposits you and a completely new world full of wonder and disaster and ugh it’s just magnificent. And don’t even get me started on impeccable character development and eeee. The way rereading a book feels like you’re reconnecting with an old best friend or going back to your childhood home and *sobs*. I also LOVE trying to predict plot twists and character deaths. Most of the time I can predict things correctly and idk it’s really fun to just try and figure out what’s going to happen before the big reveal. And the rush of satisfaction you get when you’ve guessed something right- it also helps me brace for character deaths (sorta. For example I knew *the* death in the final empire [by Brandon Sanderson] was coming since nearly the very beginning [I had my suspicions since the moment vin was introduced] but I still sobbed when the character died. [a tad off topic but what caused me to cry wasn’t the death itself but another characters reaction to it. This is often the case I find. A death of a character I love leaves me feeling empty but what typically gets me to cry is the others reactions- for thus reason funerals usually make me cry. I should also add that I only cry when I’m alone. I’ve cried around people (that aren’t my parents) a grand total of 1 time.]

Uh and daydreaming. I’m almost always daydreaming. Ie. if my brain was a search engine or whatever one tab would be reality and I would consecutively have at lest 20 other tabs open. Some of then playing videos (daydreams) others supplying music(if I’m not actively listening to real music my brain cycles through songs I have memorized. Occasionally does this with book scenes too if I’m bored [yes, I memorize some of my favourite scenes, word for word, so I can play them like a movie in my head when I, bored) others containing random info (just me thinking random stuff) etc.

3. I guess how to solve some problems? Wether it’s a math or science problem, or an argument between friends, figuring out how to solve things has always been something I’m decently good at. Math and science just. Make sense. And then with issues between people I’m good at looking at different perspectives (even ones that I don’t agree with) and playing out different scenarios/ possible outcomes of different approaches. This lets me come up with a solution that will successfully solve the problem with the least amount of negative ramifications involved

4. Hmm maybe being present? I honestly feel like life is passing me by and I’m just immobilized on the sidelines. Im so far into the future that I kinda forget to actually *live* every once in a while.

5. Honesty? Truth? Morals? These topics are all really interesting as they can be kinda subjective. The line between honesty and cruelty is so small. What is truth? Cause while yes, we have some set truths (such as the earth is orbiting the sun) so many ‘truths’ are simply subjective and completely depend on ones perspective. And morals my goodness. The stormlight archive is a really fun series that plays around with things like what is justice? And honour? I won’t get into it now but it brings up so many really interesting questions regarding morals.

6. Perspective . I think perspective is such a fascinating thing. Just. Different opinions. Seeing the world through completely different lenses. Interpreting the same thing in utterly different ways. When toying around with an idea I find it really fun to try and imagine opposing perspectives. While I can find different perspectives really interesting, they can also well... get on my nerves to say the least. Sometimes someone perspective is just? So blatantly wrong? And has absolutely no factual evidence backing it up? And part of me wants to just just scream and it would be so much easier if everyone just. Assessed the facts in front of them instead of making wild accusations or whatever without anything to support them. But yeah overall I think perspectives are really cool and they’re part of what helps to make the world diverse and life so much less interesting without different perspectives.

The future. I’ve found a bunch of my friends find thinking about the future stressful but if I’m being honest I find solace in thinking about the future. Having things planned out and knowing what I intend to do/ where I want to go takes off so much stress. I lowkey live in the future and I honestly cannot wait till it comes, and I achieve my goals. While I might be a bit scared the future excites me so much more than it’ll ever scare me.

7. Maybe add some more stuff about the judging functions and feelings and thinking etc . I absolutely adore science and math. I literally do math for fun. I’m currently aiming to get my PhD in astrophysics.

Not sure if this is relevant at all but my biggest (harmless) pet peeves are my grandmother’s door stopper (it always gets stuck in the door and then u can’t get it out and the door won’t close properly- I have an unhealthy amount of hatred for that thing AHAHJSEJKSMDJDJDJJ) and when people say some variant of “you did good”. Like nO NO YOU DID NOT DO gOoD. YOU DID W E L L (Anyways theres my little mini rant).

I’m my friend groups therapist (sorta). While I’m really not good with words and recycle the same three responses I always let everyone know that I’m here for them and they can talk to me without judgement etc. While I really don’t know what to say or do I try my best because I care about my friends and want to help them. I love them and so I want them to be able to be happy. Im always smiling (though this is more so because people don’t ask me how I’m doing when I look happy than because I’m genuinely happy. Most of the time I’m he farthest thing from that). I’m a pretty warm person who’s always happy to help, however I’m very introverted. I haven’t had a single conversation with the majority of people in my class (I’ve had a convo with maybe 5. Talk to 2 regularly. There are 26 people in my class). I never express negative emotions (with the exception of stress- I panic intensely in the 5 minutes immediately before taking a test as this helps me to completely turn off my nerves while I’m writing the exam. I may also make a joke or two about my negative emotions with close friends). I should also add that when making decisions I value logic more and think thinks through thoroughly, examining the pros and cons etc. While I take feelings and emotions into consideration when making decisions they’re more like an additional variable to consider rather than the main driving force that determines my decision. If I’m feeling really emotional and I need to make a decision I will postpone deciding until I feel more levelheaded. I’m really not impulsive in the slightest.

Thank you so much!!

INTJ

Living in the future rather than the present and your comfort in that sapce, your ability for and enjoyment of making predictions, your ability to really understand and try on different perspectives you don’t necessarily agree with, your focus on “ramifications” (aka future implications) while problem solving - this all points to high Ni.

You also show a Te preference - goals based on external metrics, to-do lists for daily tasks, logic based on the outer world (external opinion). When you said “While I take feelings and emotions into consideration when making decisions they’re more like an additional variable to consider rather than the main driving force that determines my decision” - that is a clear cut definition of Te over Fe preference.

Your tertiary Fi shows through here as well - willing to disrupt harmony if it upsets your morals, your morals being personally derived, needing to understand your emotions while alone. And lastly, your statement about “forgetting to live” from being in the future is pretty textbook inferior Se. 

[biorusted]

Precipice (Or: I could love you)

Out of the depths of my brine pool I come baring an actual, honest to God fanfic. And a smut one at that. 2020 is full of surprises.

Thank you @soulswimmr keeping my soul tethered to this mortal plane and for prof reading this fic.

Fandom: Satan and Me -- Pairing: GabeMike -- Words: 5510 (and no its not 10 pages of intercourse there are other things that happen)

If I had a AO3 account I would tag this fic as: Explicit! Panic attack tw, anxiety and depression tw, messy feelings, Hurt/Comfort, porn with plot, First times, cis gay sex, under negotiated kinks, (as in *slaps roof of fanfic* this baby can fit SO MUCH under negotiated kinks) light Bondage, light impact play, Dom/Sub tendencies, aftercare. yeehaw.

Summery: Michael accidentally confesses his love to Gabriel. Putting it lightly, it doesnt go well. But then Gabe shows up later that day and makes amends. (they boink)

Edit - 9/29 (michaelmas) Added a NSFW pic inspired by the fic (at the bottom)

Michael had no idea how he got here.

Well, no, of course he did; he was there when it happened. But to say that the day began with him nearly falling over the edge into despair to having Gabriel grinding up against him, pressing hot kisses to his neck and chest, toying with his body… well no one could have possible seen that coming. Except God, but he wasn’t really thinking of Him at this time.

Theres no way to track how This started. It could go back way before the Fall, to when Michael was first discovering that he liked Gabriel more than others. But that was normal, right? People had their favorites so why was this any different? Just because he leaned in closer whenever Gabriel spoke, or found him smiling like the sun whenever Gabe leaned up against him while they were on break, didn’t mean it was anything special. Besides, Gabriel had Anthea. Gabriel didn’t know he had Anthea at first, but Michael wasnt that blind. So he didn’t say anything to dissuade Gabriel from going after her. He didn’t encourage it either, though. Even after the Fall, he didn’t say anything, he himself just lost Lucifer so any chastising or encouragement would have been hypocritical, but eventually he’d thought that Gabriel would let go of her.

He never did though. And Michael never got rid of his feeling for Gabriel either. It grew, in fact. Slowly, like a vine coming around to choke the statues in the gardens, wholly unnoticed until there is nothing to do about it. Every laugh, ever tired roll of the eyes, every unexpected yawn would bring about a new leaf that would suffocate Michael if he wasn’t already doing everything he could to push his feelings down. He didn’t have time for whatever he felt for Gabriel. There were things to do on the surface, troops to train in Heaven and he, being the one on the pedestal, had to be perfect. And feelings were messy.

The point is, as much as he wanted to run his fingers through Gabriel’s curly red hair and kiss him on warm summer nights, he couldn’t do it. Would never do it.

And then the prophecy child came along. The end officially started, Michael got stabbed by his sister, contracted to a human, poisoned by his brother, sold off as a bartering chip to War, lost his physician, pulled some strings and brought a spirit back to earth, pulled some more strings to keep Gabriel from getting to irreversible trouble (but still had him sent to the tank for two weeks), finally saw God after years of radio silence, met his literal doppelganger, got formerly-mentioned-brother’s wings sent to him as sick gift and, quite frankly, was at the end of his rope. Everything was just happening too fast and no one seemed to care. The air was tight whenever he was with the other Archangels. It felt like he didn’t really know any of them anymore. Not even Gabriel, though his heart begged for that not to be the case.

Oh, right. Anthea had also died. So there’s that too. See? Messy.

All of that was basically to say, that when Gabriel made the snide comment that he, Michael, couldn’t possible know what it was like to truly love someone other than himself (which wasn’t even true, Michael did, in fact, hate himself immensely) Michael wasn’t planning to confirm or deny it.  However, after the initial shock – Did Gabriel really think him that heartless? – and feeling everyone’s eyes on him – all the other archangels were in the room, plus some other guards – he did answer. It came out like a holy confession, a whisper accompanied by searing hot tears.

I love you. He said.

Michael couldn’t breathe in the silence that followed, which made Gabriel’s laugh, a cruel sounding thing, even harder to take. Michael choked on air and when Gabriel turned to leave, but when he made to follow, maybe to explain himself more? To apologize? Anything but be alone with his thoughts or worse, alone in a room full of people, Gabriel slapped him.

Gabriel said something to him, but he didn’t catch it. All he felt was stinging on his cheek and embarrassment crushing his chest. Michael didn’t know how long he stood there, cradling his face and trying to think, but not comprehending anything around him, but eventually his brain caught up and he realized he did not want to be in that room right then. So, he ran.

--

Raphael had taught him some breathing techniques to help with panic attacks, but he couldn’t remember them. He guessed he actually had to breathe for them, which he wasn’t doing. All he was doing was sitting in a ball on the floor of his room trying to crush his feeling out. How typical of him, really, to fuck everything up. Now what? He had just cut ties with the only other person he felt a true connection with and now he was well and truly going to die lonely when The End came. That was always the plan; a murder suicide with Lucifer, but he’d thought there would be some pride when he went? Someone who he was fighting for? He didn’t know. He did know it was all his fault. Everything was his fault, no matter who he assigned blame to.

When he finally stopped crying, Michael sat very still. The apathy that came after such a strong release was always welcome. He breathed. And then he got up, washed his face and then went to his personal office to get some work done. He was nothing if not a good angel. Perfect in the eyes of the public.

Numb to everything that wasn’t directly in front of him, Michael actually got a lot done. The shuffling of paper and scratching of his pen was a pleasant relief compared to the chaos of his own thoughts that he was used to. He didn’t even hear the door to his office open, didn’t feel the presence of someone else in the room until they came to where he was organizing paperwork into the proper bins and gently grabbed both of his arms.

Oh, Michael could recognize Gabriel’s hands anywhere. They were hands he trusted completely with everything from a nice manicure to executing an offender of the faith. The only problem was he didn’t know what Gabriel was going to do with those hands. So, he stood completely still at Gabriel’s mercy for the second time that day.

“Turn around.” Gabriel said, taking the rest of the files from Michael and tossing them out of reach. Michael couldn’t discern anything from his voice, really only comprehending that he was very close to his ears, so, he did what he was told.

“Look at me.” he said next, as Michael found the trinkets on his desk a better study. When he didn’t listen, Gabe let go of the shelving he was pining him to and put one hand on the side of his face. It didn’t take a lot of pressure to tilt his head so their eyes met. It frightened Michael to see how stormy Gabriel’s eyes were. Dark, alluring, and troubled were not something he’d normally say about Gabriel, but now only those words applied. There was something else too, his jaw was clenched, as if he were holding his tongue, or arguing with himself.

Michael never got the chance to ask about it, because Gabriel leaned in, parted his lips, closed his eyes and kissed him.  The fog of apathy flushed out of him immediately and he felt everything; the warmth of Gabe’s hands on his cheek, the way his other hand lifted from the table and came to rest on his waist, the smooth silk of his own clothes against his body, heat coming from everywhere and, oh lord, his lips. The clouds couldn’t compare to the softness of Gabe’s lips on his, he could spend an eternity in this moment and it would never be enough.

The kiss (they’re first kiss), of course, did not last an eternity. It was only when Gabe moved away from him that Michael realized he didn’t close his eyes, or move towards him or do… anything. Kisses always looked magnetic, so why didn’t it fix everything between them? Michael felt a knot forming in his stomach and it only grew heavier as Gabe opened his eyes to gauge his reaction.

They were still standing so close that their breaths were shared. So, Michael only had to whisper when he said;

“I don’t understand.”

“Do you want to?” Gabe quipped back, tilting his head to the side. He was being completely serious.

“Wh-What?” He really wished his eyes were the bright emerald green they were usually.

Gabe’s grip on Michael’s waist tightened and the storm behind his eyes grew. “Do you want to understand?”

Of course he did. His cheek still burned from where Gabe hit him and the shaking anxiety from his panic attack never left completely, if he understood then maybe they really could make this work. Whatever this could be. Or he could fuck it up.

“No.” He said, and closed the gap between them.

Almost immediately he was shoved back into the shelving with Gabe’s hands clawing at his skin and teeth biting his lips. Heat rushed through his entire body as Gabe pressed up against him, ground up against him leaving his full intent out into the open.

God, since when could he move like that? Michael thought as he opened his mouth and let Gabriel’s tongue meet his own. Gabe’s piercing clicked on his teeth, setting off another wave of heat down his spine. He’d always wondered what it would be like to feel Gabe’s piercing in his mouth. One of his own hands slipped behind Gabe’s chiton and laid flat against his chest while the other raked through his hair. He almost wished Gabriel hadn’t cut his hair short, he would have love to pull on the curls, but the deep moan that came out of him made up for it.

Gabriel’s tongue was on his lips, and then his lips were on his jaw, kissing a line up and then down his neck, Michael could barely catch his breath, the way he gasped at every press of his mouth on sensitive skin. Even when Gabe slowed down to focus on a spot at the base of his neck, Michael didn’t complain, especially as Gabe’s leg pressed in between his own. Michael didn’t realize how hot his body felt, certainly didn’t realize how hard he was, how hard both of them were, but it was all he could think about as Gabe’s hands slid lower and started groping his ass, gathering the fabric of his skirt between his fingers.

Humans always made this stuff look strange, Michael didn’t get all the moaning and begging and crying out. The ‘losing control’ part never made sense to him either, but there was nothing controlled about the sounds he made now; broken whispers begging to be understood as wanting more. He wanted more of this, whatever this ended up being and he wanted Gabriel there to guide him through it all.

Naturally, that’s when Gabriel pulled away. Michael didn’t think he could fall for him anymore, but the vines he always compared his love to bloomed in such a vivid way. The messed up hair, the dilated pupils, the reddened lips, the way he dragged his eyes down every inch of him; it could have destroyed him and made him whole all at once.

“Tonight.” Gabe said. “I’ll meet you in your room.” It wasn’t a question, but it wasn’t a statement either.

“Yes.” He nodded, but when he felt Gabriel leaning away from him, asked “But why?”

He straightened himself up, making eye contact as he grazed his crotch and nodded towards his desk. “You still have work to do.”

--

The afternoon passed as quickly as he’d expected it to, which is not very quick at all. After getting himself fixed up, Michael found he could not possibly focus on anything other than events prior. It didn’t matter what he put in front of himself, all he could think about was how this whole thing wasn’t good. It’s exactly want he wanted in his deepest and most sinful dreams; a physical relationship with his millennia-long love—but he’d only let himself pin for a romantic one, chaste save for a few kisses. They both were angels after all. This… This wasn’t even love, he thought. Especially not in the way silence grew serious between them when they parted. Lovers didn’t do that… they talked at the very least.

No. This was lust. And he found that he was ok with it… he wanted to be ok with it.

Eventually he got up and left his office. The empty hallways of his home echoing his footsteps, he tried not to think about it. He paced around his room a bit, wishing Gabriel had been more exact about ‘tonight.’ Did he mean at sunset? Or closer to midnight? Were they just… going to get straight to it? Or… what? Was Michael expecting to be taken out on a date? Please. Gabe was probably just going to get off and then leave. He would be lucky if it was a mutual thing.

Still, he couldn’t stop thinking. How would it happen? Was he expected to do anything? How did Gabriel know how to move his body like that? Eventually, just about when he thought he’d lose it, Michael caved and looked up what to expect.

The internet was, as usual, very helpful, but by the end of his searching his mind was even more frayed than before. He decided to take a shower. A long one just to calm himself down and … maybe to… test some of the things he read.

By the time Gabriel arrived, Michael had taken a long shower, dried and dressed himself and even put on what he hoped was subtle perfume and straightened up his room. Everything was, hopefully, perfect. He was halfway through setting up two glasses of wine --because he did keep wine in his room now-- when the knock came.

“Come in,” He said casually, almost forgetting the situation they were in.

He heard the door open and close, but there came no greeting, so when Michael turned around to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, he was surprised to find Gabriel outright staring at him. He looked the same as he did before, except now he carried a bag with him. Michael, however, did dress up. Or down. It depends on how you look at it. He still wore his chiton, but in a more traditional way that showed off more of his chest and thighs. He also wasn’t wearing anything underneath.

He swallowed and turned back to the wine, wishing his body didn’t blush so much under Gabriel’s intense stare. But he faced it again, this time with a bottle of wine in his hands.

“I thought that we could have a drink?” His voice faltered and he stood rather awkwardly and small.

That seemed to break Gabe out of his trance. He dropped off his bag on the bed and approached him with an even gaze. Stopping right in front of him, he took the bottle from his hands and set it down.

“No… No more wine.” He said in that deep tone that put butterflies in his stomach. Upon seeing his reaction, Gabe added, “I’d rather have you right now.”

And to that Michael could only say one thing.

“Please.”

--

And now here they were, Gabriel leaving bite marks and hickeys on his neck while he pushed up against him so that every nerve was on fire, begging for more. Michael twisted and strained on the ropes tying his wrists to the bedposts, trying to catch his breath. But whenever he did manage a moment clarity, Gabriel would do something else to make him jump and moan beneath him. He was playing with his nipples now and dragging his fingernails down his sides. He still hadn’t taken off his clothes yet, but by now they might as well be ruined, soaked through with each other’s sweat and precum. Michael moaned again as Gabe slapped his thighs, by now he wasn’t afraid of being loud, he wanted Gabe to know exactly what he felt.

“Please.” He begged again, not expecting an answer but praying for one anyway. His legs shook underneath Gabe’s firm hands as he kept them pressed to the bed, no matter how many times he coaxed Gabe forward, to rub their cocks together, for any friction at all, he still denied him.

“Please, what?” he said into his ear, “Aren’t I giving you everything you want?” The honey in his voice made Michael shiver.

“Yes, God yes! But please… fuck- please touch me. I need you.” He captured his lips again for a messy kiss.

Gabe pulled away. “Greedy, much?” He kissed a line down his body, then above his navel, “You really are a whore.”

Michael gasped as the sash at his hips was untied and thrown aside. His whole body throbbed with need at the silent promise. “Only for you.”

Gabe lifted the remaining fabric and breathed in the wet spot where his precum soaked through. “Is that so? All of this is for me?” He gently pulled the fabric away from his body, finally leaving Michael bare and spread wide for him. His dick fully erect, leaking and red, begging for release by any means.

Michael shifted under his gaze, looking down on him like he owned him. He only hoped he looked as beautifully desperate as Gabriel did. “Of course.”

Gabe nodded and took off the rest of his own clothes. His hands traveled up and down his glistening tan body, fulfilling a desire that Michael wished he could do instead. How many times had Michael wanted to run his fingers up and down the curves of Gabriel’s toned body? He couldn’t remember at that moment. If he didn’t like his wrists being tied up so much, he might have asked to be untied.

When he got to his dick though, he only traced light lines with his fingertips, moaning and biting his lips in pure ecstasy. It was a sight to behold, the lines of precum hanging on his fingers, the trail of ginger hair cropping his dick. ‘Heavenly’ could hardly cover it.

Michael let out a groan and Gabe stopped, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

“My eyes are up here.”

“Fuck me already.”

That earned him another slap on the inside of his thighs, he bucked and noted the way his cock bounced in the air. Did everything have to be so erotic? Gabriel reached back to the bag he brought, the one that also had the rope, and pulled out a small bottle of lube and a condom. Now that they were on track, Gabe wasted no time in slicking his fingers up, propping up Michael’s legs and sliding said fingers up and down his ass, even grabbing his balls for good measure. Michael thought about biting into his own arm to stop from crying out too loud, but instead just lifted his legs higher. The house was empty anyway.

Gabe let out a satisfying hum and pressed a finger inside him. It felt as strange as it did when he practiced in the shower, but god was it so much better.

“Take deep breaths. I’m just stretching you out now.” He said, smiling to himself and kissing Michael’s calf. “It would be a shame if you finished now.”

“It wouldn’t be my fault. I didn’t know how much you liked teasing.” Or slapping or bondage or powerplay or literally anything. Then again, he himself didn’t realize how much he’d like those things too, much less being on the receiving end. He took a deep breath. And another. Then, the question that was haunting him slipped from his mouth. “How do you know how to do this?” he blurted out.

“Hm?” Gabriel looked away from him, suddenly abashed, as if he wasn’t massaging his asshole for his pleasure and use. “I uh. I watched some videos.”

And to that Michael laughed, more genuine than he had in a while.

“What?” Gabe took the opportunity to insert another finger, stopping his laughter with pain and pleasure. How cruel!

“Nothing! I just…” He turned his head to hide his face in is arms. “I watched some videos too.”

“Really?” The quality in his voice changed. It had been changing from when they made out in his office to now… it felt like they were talking normally with each other, like friends… or, well, like lovers. It helped that he was smiling now, not quite a joyful or mischievous smile, but a quaint one. As if they both were taking each other in with a new light.

“Yeah… I practiced some too.” He could share that, right?

“Oh… did you…?”

“No. I was… saving that for you.”

“Oh.” Was all he said, hiding his quiet delight behind adding in another finger inside of him.

They stayed like that for a while, Gabe stretching him out gently while Michael sighed and kept his breathing relaxed. Gabe never pushed his fingers in deep, even though Michael thrusted his thighs up, trying to convince Gabe to finger fuck him a little. After a few minutes, Michael was craving for something thicker and longer. Even so, he was not ready for how cold, empty and gapping he’d feel when Gabe’s fingers left him.

“Ready?” Gabe asked as he slid the condom on and poured more lube onto his hand. He bit his swollen lips and he slicked up his shaft; he wasn’t the only one that was denied.

“More than.” He angled himself up more and welcomed Gabe’s steady hand bracing on his red thighs. There was a moment of blissful silence as Gabe lined himself up, only broken by the feeling on his head pressing up against his hole and pushing in. They both moaned.

Gabe was gentle going in, pushing forward and pulling back bit by bit. His whole body jerked as he guessed his prostate was hit, he read that it felt like sparks shooting across the body and by God was that right. He rocked his hips up even harder now. Michael had never felt so full, never felt the need to be, but when Gabe bottomed out and rutted against his hips, he felt as if he’d need this the rest of his life. Is this what it felt like to be truly connected? To be full and content with your lover? It felt cheesy to even think, but he imagined soulmates felt like this.

Michael moaned even louder as Gabe pulled halfway out and slid down faster. Again and again he felt sparks as his lover’s wet hips slammed into his own. The noises they made were obscene and only made worse when Gabe leaned over him to get a better angle. Now he could feel Gabe’s hot breath on his face and see just how gone he was, which made the heat pooling in his own stomach twist and flood his senses. This was started to be too much.

“Touch me!” He begged, straining on his wrists again. “Oh, please I want to come. Please let me come.” He had to have this, he’d waited so long; Michael needed this.

“Oh fuck.” Gabe moaned and leaned down to bite at his neck once more. “Beg for me. I’m so close.”

“Please, Gabriel, I wanna… I wanna feel you come inside me, I want your hands pumping my dick until I scream. I want you. I need you Please. Please. Please!”

Michael’s breathy cries grew more erratic along with Gabriel’s pace. The wet slapping of skin filled the room until Gabe cried out and shook with his orgasm. Michael pushed up against him, writhing around his partner’s twitching cock, until Gabe collapsed onto him and gasping for breath, oversensitive and spent.

“Fuck.” He gasped as he lifted himself up and crashed his mouth on Michael’s. His lips screamed desperation. His hands trembled as he grabbed Michael’s cock and pumped at a horrifically fast pace. Michael gasped against his mouth and bucked, arching his back as much as he could. When his orgasm hit, he froze, coming quickly in Gabe’s hand before opening his eyes again and melting into the bed. Only then did Gabe slide out of him and collapse. He couldn’t breathe for a moment, and then the only thing he could do was breathe. His mind and body spent.

They laid together for a few minutes, Gabe resting on top of him, both of them basking in the afterglow. Michael felt sticky and sore and empty but didn’t feel like moving, and honestly, if they laid like that for the rest of the night, he would be completely fine with that.

As if reading his thoughts, Gabriel kissed his jaw and lifted himself up. How he went from blitzed out to composed Michael couldn’t guess, but he noted the way Gabe still trembled. “We should… clean up.” He emphasized this by taking his hand—still covered in Michael’s cum – and dragged his tongue up his index finger. He made a face and shrugged, “It doesn’t taste that good.”

Michael huffed. “I’m sorry I’m not made of sugar.”

“Hm. But those noises you made were so sweet.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Untie me, please.” He didn’t thing he could play anymore games.

“Just a second.” He peeled off the condom and made to get off the bed.

“Where are you going?” A bolt of dread shot up his spine; he wasn’t leaving, was he? Not tied up to the bed and out in the open?

“Bathroom, Michael. Getting a towel and washing my hands. Also, you’re sticky.”

“And whose fault is that?” he tried shove his anxiety back into its box.

He didn’t get a reply, just a hum and a good view of Gabe’s back side as he walked to the room adjacent and cleaned himself up. He wasn’t even out of sight, keeping the bathroom door wide open, but Michael still felt tendrils of doubt writhe in his chest.

He put on a smile as he walked back holding two warm towelette—because yes, Michael had towelettes on hand. They’re nice to have— He was still surprised when Gabriel cleaned him instead of just untying his wrists and letting him handle his own ‘sticky’ body. Somehow this seemed more intimate than what they just finished doing, especially how gentle Gabe lifted his legs to get a better angle. The warm towel felt wonderful on his abused butt and dick, more so than he thought it would. After getting his lower half he used the other towelette to press on his neck, which had much the same effect. Michael didn’t think that a warm towelette would make the deep bite marks and bruises heal right away, but it was like a gentle kiss. He didn’t think Gabe would be so kind to him.

“Whats wrong, Michael?” Gabe’s calm voice cut through the silence. He didn’t meet his eyes as he asked.

What should he say to that? Everything was wrong, they just—they just had sex! They didn’t even talk about it before hand they just… did it! And this morning he was pretty sure Gabe hated him and Michael… he didn’t know what he wanted to do with anything. No one could find out, he was sure of that… but did that mean he had to forget this whole night happened? All in all his life was falling apart! He didn’t want to push his last lifeline away.

“I’m fine.” He smiled. He tried not to panic as the mood shifted over Gabriel. He could see the clouds over his eyes again. Shit shit shit of course he’d ruin it. “I-“ He started, frantically thinking about what would make this right. “I just want you to stay.” Pathetic.

That seemed to work, though it hurt to say, but he didn’t get an answer right away. Instead, Gabe moved up to his arms and finally undid the rope. Michael hissed as he moved his freed wrists again.

“Oh, I brought something for that.” Gabe said, reaching for his bag once again. He produced a bottle of lotion and applied some to his hands before taking one of Michael’s and massaging it. It felt good, though much like the towel still at his neck, he didn’t think it would do much. They fell into a lull again. Michael felt as if he could fall sleep, if not for the unanswered question weighing on his mind.

“What do you want to do with the cover?”

“Hm?”

“The duvet is… wet.”

“Oh… just throw it to the ground, I’ll clean it tomorrow.” Or he’ll just burn it, whatever.

“Ok.” Gabe let go of his hands and began to pull back the blanket beneath them. Ideally, they should have taken it off beforehand, but they weren’t really thinking logically then, just about how to make each other shake with pleasure. Michael sat up and helped kick the thick blanket to the ground. His ass hurt and his whole body was sore, scratched up and bruised, but at least he was clean-ish. He had honestly never felt so… exhausted before. Satisfied but still so wanting. Maybe he was a selfish whore. He pulled back more blankets from the front of the bed and crawled underneath him, not caring to put on clothes or turn off the dim lights still illuminating his room.

He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the heaviness he felt all around him versus the sounds of Gabriel sliding off the bed and walking away. It didn’t really work, he still felt hot tears behind his eyes and tried biting the inside of his lip to keep from making noise. If Gabriel wanted to leave, then who was he to stop him? He knew this wasn’t good. He should be happy that he got to have sex with him at all. A check off the bucket list and all that.

But he didn’t leave. Michaels eyes snaped open as he felt a thumb wipe away his tears. Gabe was hovering above him, looking somewhere between tired and concerned; he’d just turn off the lights. Michael wanted to laugh because of how ridiculous he was being. Or cry.

But he didn’t. He shifted over and let Gabriel slide under the covers with him. It was awkward, they were both naked and wasn’t sure how get comfortable like this, but they soon settled down where Michael was laying on Gabe’s chest and they were tracing shapes on each other’s arms.

He was about to drift off when Gabe muttered, half to himself, “I could love you.”

That didn’t feel as bad as it could to Michael. “That’s all I need.” His words slurred together before he dropped into darkness. He’ll deal with everything else tomorrow.

--

Gabriel didn’t know why he did this anymore than Michael probably did. All Gabe wanted was a release, something he thought he could only have with Anthea. A stress reliever, maybe. A good fuck before the world went to shit. He tried to ignore the darker thoughts he had that day, where he pushed Michael over the edge and left him to shatter on the ground. Or the ones where he’d hurt Michael outright to finally get across all of the hurt he’d experienced at his now-lover’s hands. But there was something—a spark? – when they kissed, and a shift when they actually talked to each other. No masks, no pretenses. Just feelings; whatever they happened to be.

And Gabe remembered how Michael used to be. Fun, genuine, loving. He remembered the quiet nights where they watched the sky and how Michael would, very obviously, check him out. The way he always seemed to prefer either him or Lucifer. This whole thing was ridiculous; of course Michael loved him, it was so obvious. So why did Gabe react like that this morning? He didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it anymore than he already had.

Gabe wasn’t lying when he said he could love him, but he wouldn’t lie and say that he loved him now. His heart was recently broken and, the tattoo of Anthea’s name was barely over a month old. Before today, he believed it too soon for anything new. Obviously, another part of him disagreed, but he would save those thoughts for another time. Gabriel kissed Michael’s head and fell asleep with him in his arms. He’ll have to see what the next day brought.

____

a doodle:

[sociallyawkward--fics]

heyy xy its been a while again idk how long i wanted to send smth earlier but my brain wouldnt let me so:// im kinda Going Through It rn tho& surprise its abt my romanticality again but this time it has nothing to do w a crush. its ,, i was wondering how romantic attraction felt so i did a question thread on twitter but the answers ,, were all stuff ive felt ?? &i think maybe ive been thinking of romantic attraction wrong this whole time but ?? how do i know ?? -H (it is. frustrating)

its like ,, i love the idea of cuddling& holding hands& hugging& yes that could be platonic but ,, ive never kissed anyone but i think it could be smth i enjoy& maybe even smth i want but it wasnt ever anything i thought abt until now ,, recently ive kinda been wanting to date someone nonromantically ?? but how do i tell if the way i want it is romantically or not ?? romantic attraction is just a thing u feel right u dont get to decide whether or not its romantic attraction it just is right?? -H

&i have gotten my own version of crushes but its always ,, i just rly want to be their friend or in extreme cases just ,, like me the way i like them, like liking me best ig ?? but maybe i have wanted to date them& just didnt realize it ?? when i get crushes i think of them a lot& want to be around them& i get butterflies& all the things ppl say they get with romantic attraction. but then ill ask myself if its romantic& i just feel like No. It's not ??? -H

romantic attraction always just felt so ,, other ?? so even now that i realize what i want is what ppl who feel romantic attraction want it just doesnt feel right ?? ive never kissed anyone& ive never dated& maybe if i did those things id know ?? &sometimes ill wish i had a partner but like in a queerplatonic way i think ?? i just want to do traditionally romantic stuff but ,, without it being romantic ?? but thats not how it works is it ?? -H

like if u feel& want all the things that comes with romantic attraction then that means u experience them romantically ?? maybe ?? i cant wrap my head around wanting all those things but not romantically ?? bc romantic attraction is defined as wanting things like dating& kissing& cuddling - not some other alien feeling i thought so ?? maybe im greyromantic or lithromatic or bellusromantic but ?? how do i know ?? -H

maybe im just too young to completely know how i feel ?? maybe if i dated someone or kissed them id know ?? &i kinda rly want to do those things just to know how id feel bc im tired of not knowing im already confused abt my gender identity if i dont know my romanticality what do i know ?? -H

lmao so im over my crisis nvm -H

i dont remember exactly what i was saying but theres a difference between wanting those things& like ,, wanting them from a person yknow maybe i want to be kissed but only theoretically bc who do i want to kiss me then ?? any strong feelings usually fade when i get to know the person so. also apparently romantic attraction is Not just wanting those things apparently theres supposed to be a feeling that comes with it idk -H

help i found u on tiktok while looking through aroace tiktoks skjdjk i saw u& i was like xy ?!?!! u exist in places outside of tumblr ?!?!??! unbelievable -H

i saw ur undertale hcs tiktok& i highkey panicked bc ive been hyperfixating on undertale for like ,, a month now, so it was my 2 favorite things : aspec hcs& undertale. personally i see papyrus as aroace bc of his whole speech after ur date with him& its like ,, a v v important hc to me bc hes the only character ive ever felt i had representation in sjdhfks idk hes like my comfort character now -H 

aahhh but yea ive been hyperfixating on undertale so badly but :/ we lost our switch :/ so i couldnt play :/// i had to resort to watching playthroughs on yt. i have watched dan& phils playthrough 3 times& i am going on a 4th. luckily we did find our switch !! &i cant wait until i get papyrus' phone number so i can go through every room& call him& then befriend undyne& go through all the rooms& call him again to see if the responses have changed -H

-----------------

I’m So Sorry it took me literally like 2 months to answer these, I promise i wasn’t ignoring you, I just have Stupid Brain!!

Imma be honest with you, romantic attraction is so confusing, and I can’t say I understand it myself. Also, that’s totally how it works. You can do romantically-coded actions with a queerplatonic partner and not have it be romantic at all. Sure, kissing and dating and cuddling are romantically-coded, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in a romantic relationship to do them; doing those things in a queerplatonic sense and not having any romantic emotions in it is totally valid. You can want all these things and still not have/experience romantic attraction. Take all the time you need to figure it out, though. I may tell everyone I’m grayro, but for sure that does not mean that I have it all figured out. I just say that because it’s the closest to whatever confusing feelings I’ve had lol. It takes time to work these things out, just do what feels right for you. You don’t need to force yourself into a romantic situation just to try and see if you’re aro. Honestly, to me? Nothing you’ve described seems inherently romantic. That all seems like it’s queerplatonic or just platonic.

Lol, yes I exist in places outside of tumblr on occasion. Tbh, since we all know I have no time-management skills, tiktok is a little bit why I’ve been so absent around here lately lol. I was focusing a lot on building my account and content there, but I really miss everyone over here and i miss writing my fanfics so I am Back and I’m gonna try and split my time better, now! Undertale is such a valid thing to fixate on, and Paps is such a valid comfort character. Aroace Paps is so valid, I only said grayroace Paps because 1) brain said “make him you” lol and 2) sometimes I think Papyrus/Mettaton can be cute if done right. And yeah, it’s so fun going through the rooms and just calling them lol

[prorevenge]

My hippie math teacher was real garbage.

So some background: as a kid, I’ve always been pretty good at math. It was always my best subject, I’d catch onto concepts easily, but I hated it. Not because math was hard or anything, but because no matter how much I hoped, my math teacher would always be the type that would be like “Use the formula I gave you or it’s wrong.” Now, see, my mind works in what others call “a super weird way.” Every time I was taught a new concept in math, I wouldn’t use the formula that the teacher gave us because I’d have a hard time remembering it and I thought it was too time consuming and expanded. Instead, I’d come up with a more efficient, step skipping formula that worked just as well.

Other students would ask me how I do the math so fast, and when I shared the formula with them, they found it much easier and did it just as fast.

So rewind to 7th grade. I was like, 12 or something at the time. I had finally got a good teacher that allowed freedom for multiple formulas because “math is math.” We had her for about a few months, and I really liked her teaching. She got into a freak car accident and took her leave, and from what other staff members told me, she was “lucky to even survive.” I never knew how bad the crash really was, but from what I was told, she cheated death. Staff said she was supposed to come back in a few months, and until then, we would have a long-term substitute.

Before I knew about the accident, I walk to class over in the way corner of my school. At the time, I remember having a class right before that was on the opposite corner of school, so I’d often be late if I walked too slow. So, I turn the corner of the building and notice there’s no students waiting outside, meaning the teacher had already opened the door. Unusual, but I checked the time, and I was earlier than normal. So, I knocked on the door. I waited and waited for someone to open the door, because usually it’s the nearest student to the door who opens it. I knock. And knock. It’s about a few minutes of constant knocking until someone opens the door, but he’s looming above me.

When I look up, it’s a new teacher, long hair and a beard, kind of looks like Jesus. Yes, he was a hipster. He opened the door right after the late bell and said “you’re late.” I explained to him I had been knocking the past few minutes and nobody answered the door, to which he responds “That’s because I told them not to. You should have been here when I opened the door to begin with.” I wanted to explain I had a far away class and I couldn’t be considered late since the late bell didn’t ring, but he didn’t take any of it. I had to go to detention that day.

So, let’s call this teacher Mr. Hippie for convenience. I sat next to my friend, lets nick him Bro, and ask what’s the deal with this guy. Bro tells me that I’ve already made a bad impression, told him to elaborate, to which he explains the whole accident long term sub thing.

So to summarize the first part of his teaching, he didn’t actually teach us anything. Instead, we did completely pointless activities that have nothing to do with math. One of these activities was a class game where we had to tell each other a list of jokes and whoever got the most laughs got the most points and won the game.

So we read these jokes that we’ve been given, and it’s a list of inappropriate jokes. They were all pretty racist, sexist, etc which we already knew he was extremely prejudiced based on his everyday, passing language towards us (some include “girls have good handwriting because they waste their time practicing their letters” and “the only guys that climb mount everest are white dudes because they’re the dumbest people out there” and “girls wouldn’t get raped if they just stop overestimating their strength” whatever that one even means). I can’t think of all the jokes off the top of my head, but here’s some I remember:

Why are religious Jamaicans obese? Because at church they chant “Praise the Lard.” What’s Miley Cyrus’ favorite food? Roast twerky. Why can’t the Kardashian’s swim? Because they have more plastic in their butts than in the whole ocean.

I objected against playing this stupid game because of all the offensive jokes in it, some of which I related to and was offended by. He sent me out of class that day. Bro got sent out eventually as well, because instead of using the offensive jokes, he said a stupid knock knock joke that made the class laugh out of pure stupidity. “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Pizza delivery guy. I burned your pizza because it had pineapple on it. Bad move, cuz.”

At some point when we actually started learning math, Hippie was a douche, He did the same old same old docking me points for not using his formula thing. We were doing white board problems, to which he forced me to do the most complex ones. When I did them correctly and showed my work, he’d think I was wrong until he checked his calculator. Bad move. So, instead, he erases my work off the board in front of literally the whole class, and says to me dead in the eye: “You didn’t show your work.” So, I said, “Alright, I’ll show my work.” So I did. Again. And he erased it. By that point, I was fed up with his bull, so I just left it at that.

When we took tests, we would grade the papers as a class. He would tell us the answers, to which he’d screw up on middle school level questions. Every time I got a different answer, I would ask him to do it on the board, and that would prove he was wrong and I was right. He hated me more for asking questions.

Every time I “technically” got a question wrong, he would call me an idiot, slow, stupid, etc. etc. and even passed a few “maybe if you were a guy you’d be more useful.” I tried telling this to the teachers, but they weren’t having it. I tried waiting until he would finally leave, but info came out that our teacher wasn’t coming back, so we’d have him even longer. So naturally, I did some digging.

Bro and I searched his full name up online and found an admittedly hidden link to his Instagram account, which I won’t leak, but it was golden. He posed himself literally as Jesus, with several sexual and racial posts and memes. He had solid evidence of smoking weed and vaping off campus too, and it looked like he was also becoming the path to an antivaxxer at some point. Some posts included things like “You can’t cure cancer, yet you take away our medicine?” Followed by a picture of weed or something of that sort.

Though it wasn’t exactly what I wanted him fired for, I brought it up with the counselor. She said they’d look into it. While it was followed up by several other students, I was walking home one day when I saw Hippie with a big bag of what looked like posters as he threw it in his trunk and drove off. We came back one day to a brand new, female teacher. Posters that Hippie put up were gone, just like the ones he threw in his trunk the other day. She explained to us the old teacher had been fired for suspicious online activities, and will likely have a hard time ever getting a new job. Since then, the Hippie’s name had been removed from the account, but it’s still up and running by him.

We had that new teacher for the rest of the school year, which wasn’t exactly long, but she did teach us math and threw us a big party on the last day of school, though she still didn’t approve of alternate formulas. Sorry this was quite a long one, fellas, but I thought it was worth sharing.

TL;DR: Got a math teacher fired for his inappropriate Insta after he made sexual jokes and racial slurs and straight up insulted me for months.

(source) story by (/u/TheAcidicFire)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

this one for the special club of ppl who have no friends

idk abt yall but even for myself im not sure exactly how long it took me to work out that i was & had been more isolated than the avg person over my life & realizing that the feeling i had since ever being around a group of ppl (preschool) that i couldnt fit in or have more than like, one friend that was mostly defined as “wanted to actually play together at recess or smthing”, was just actually generally true. idk what it is but you know what its like when ppl have some tendency to ignore you. or quietly gain contempt for you because they think you’re weird, which i havent known to stop being true between like 10 yr olds & ppl in their 20s. when ur being talked over even in a group you’re supposed to be in and its like listen. what is going on that this happens so much

anyways when you have no friends its always wild when anyone does show up and actually act like a friend more than like once & show the slightest interest in you as a person. for me though i did have to learn to just not care as much when this happens because its like the sheer math of it all yknow. a person who is used to having like, a more avg number of friends across life is gonna make a friend and be like “oh man awesome” but on the other end of things when u have only a handful of friends and/or little access to friends &/or no close friends, getting a new friend seems way more significant because its like wow this is only 1/18 in my whole life or something. whereas for the other person you are 1/143 idek. not to say that each friend is less important to someone who has more of them. but it is less of a big deal to gain a new one, and a new person theyve just been talking to a bit IS going to be a less important friend

where this is going is just that, never having friends = everyone else being a big deal to you, but you arent a big deal 2 them....a lot of wondering why you always like ppl more than they like you. in my experience its not fun so, with the motivation to stop feeling terrible over that repeated revelation, and also figuring out that its because being so isolated / having few to no Reeeaalll Friends = valuing new friends way more than they value you, rather than just that everyone definitely hates you....i personally have tried to stop caring less about getting the opportunity to talk to new people.

thats not to say i dont enjoy it or value it or like the people i talk to.....i do enjoy it, im a social person in my own way, and i appreciate it when it happens b/c i dont consistently have conversations with anyone. i just don’t get excited abt a potential friendship or expect to ever reach what feels like a real & solid friendship w anyone. i have picked up a few ppl in the past like 5 yrs i do consider friends but its always taken a while to get there.

its kind of funny because like i said i AM kind of social & i do really care about people i get to grow a bit close to.......there is definitely plenty of ppl i dislike right away & have the opposite interest as being friends with them....but when i do like ppl, idk, i like to try to support them and be nice to them and be there for them in the usually tiny ways i can.....i love to talk to people actually. in person when im actually comfortable, i can actually come off a bit overly talkative....i can be energetic when i’m happy & i do have a lot to say about things sometimes but usually only in my head. even typing it out is difficult b/c i can only type so fast, especially with a phone. but in other situations i can have trouble actually getting my voice to come out at all, or i choose not to speak at all b/c i dont want to. or when im frustrated i dont want to talk for a moment but thats generally because there is no one around i want to talk to about it. i can talk abt something for hrs....and it is of course extra special to me b/c i dont get to be around ppl i like talking to them that often

idk and i like to do nice things for friends when i can......i dunno. i do like people. i can be pretty choosy about who i hang on to, i might only have a select group of friends even if i wasnt isolated; but still....theres a lot of people in the world. even being picky about it, you could have a huge friend group

little tangent i dont trust trying to make friends in groups at all really lol.....like even if you’re friends with someone who’s in a bigger friend group. i might cautiously give ppl a chance just b/c of the good endorsement but ive also had bad times w it. and often like, even ppl i all individually like, to be in a group w everyone is to realize that my way of socializing means im a lot of times off on the tangents and it just makes it clear that there’s a whole Thing going on in the middle that you’re not at all involved in. and then there’s ongoing Things that nobody lets you in on and its like alright i guess i’ll do my own thing that nobody’s interested in. idk and its happened that i’ll be in a group and again just like....not be even noticed physically and its like. feels great man

anyways i guess theres general things about Friendship that i feel i miss out on, on account of never experiencing it

like ive never felt like i had someone i’d tell anything to, not even collectively, like i have three Things to tell & maybe i cant tell anyone all three but i know three ppl i’d tell one of each to

ive also never quite felt like i’d always have someone to talk to just in general......or been in the situation where if i wanted to go out and do something w someone i knew i could find someone to go w me.....idk theres never been the feeling that i always had access to friends in any way. or like, ever had access to friends, most of the time at least

i also have no idea....when ppl talk about having longtime friends like known all their life im like wtf. ok. weirdo. ive had a friend for ten seconds

kind of a bummer b/c i think a lot of ppl consider College to be th easiest place to make friends...like before that you mostly have school friends and afterwards its like oh work friends but college you have a bit more mobility and different situations to meet people.....but post-college its supposedly just increasingly difficult to make new friends. and being more isolated makes it even more difficult as ppl tend to ostracize ppl for being lonely weirdos

im always lucky i get to talk on here tbh......it occurs to me it’s probably bad to feel completely unheard. because it frustrates me a lot at times to feel that way. even nowadays i dont really say anything about the stuff i think & dont ever find myself wanting to....im picky about who i really feel like having long or even short but actually genuine convos w like i said...............and idk its not that infrequent too for ppl to seem to not really care one way or the other or listen or even like it when i talk. i only wanna talk in situations i feel good talking obv lol....otherwise i’d rather stay quiet, but staying quiet is frustrating also. but i do it. but i can say things here at least even if i’m not actually talking aloud

i cant expect to ever have this mythical friend group or whatever.....i dont have Expectations like that. and in the meantime ive been lowkey for a few years just trying to lower my expectations even for ppl im just chill-ly talking to. its not that difficult nowadays, i get a bit pumped to just be talking, but i dont get Pumped Abt New Friends or anything. i know it doesnt work like that....and its not like i was ever like, wanting a blood oath after two conversations or anything like that. it just tends to mean more to you and then you find out you dont mean as much to anybody else really

oh but a good silver lining is that now i have better standards for ppl anyway, to be like “well it sucks that it turns out my connection w all these ppl wasnt that solid at all, but hang on now that i think of it do i even Like this or that person”

life is wild huh. back in preschool i thought something was wrong w me that nobody liked me & nowadays i dont care if they do or not. im doing my own thing over here & may be chillin in hell but at least, even if i’m sad i don’t exactly get to consistently interact w ppl, it only matters to me if i get the attention from ppl i genuinely like anyways. i could drop off the face of the planet & probably the biggest giveaway was that i had reblogged a joke in a few days but wtf does that matter anyway. some of us got to be on the tangents still w no friends. not because its necessary but b/c it happens and it has to be someone, might as well be me or you. it happens to be me, thats for sure

[simkjrs]

Got any imaginings for your various Izukus meeting one another? How would villain Deku react to BYGGUALOM Deku? To MSU Deku? (Assume villain!Deku figures out something is up with MSU!Deku so he doesn't just treat him as a regular civilian). Would BYGGUALOM!Deku and MSU!Deku end up commiserating over their mutual dislike of publicity if they met?

god… i do have some imaginings. i actually had this conversation with @salvainterra just like last week and it is probably the single most self indulgent and simultaneously gut busting conversation i’ve ever had. sorry everyone i’m like this, here’s the best parts of the conversations with all the keysmashes taken out

simkjrs: actually what needs to happen in this mysterious crossover between all my aus is two izukus vs the third izuku’s insecurities, cage match go

simkjrs: byggualom izuku makes a genuine effort to befriend villain!deku and be there for him, and msa izuku grudgingly acknowledges him as a friend, and villain!deku is immediately gone. just gone

pooch: between all three of them they cover such a wide variety of insecurities im losing it

pooch: oh man dude. dude.

pooch: they swap universes

simkjrs: oh 

simkjrs: no

pooch: i think villain deku frankly wouldnt be able to handle even just hitoki caring about and supporting him. this is deeply upsetting to think about simk. i regret this

pooch: MSA IZUKU ISNT EVEN ALIVE HES DISSOCIATED SO HARD HES SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN MENTALLY

simkjrs: oh no

simkjrs: pooch. 

simkjrs: even disregarding mitoki absoltuely decimating villain!deku’s attempts to keep himself safe

simkjrs: have you considered the sheer DISASTER YOU’RE GOING TO GET WHEN YOU PUT MITOKI AND VILLAIN DEKU IN THE SAME ROOM MUCH LESS ADDING *HATSUME* TO THE MIX

pooch: GFHFHHDJN FUCK

simkjrs: THIS IS, WITHOUT A DOUBT, *THE* ACTUAL NIGHTMARE SCENARIO

pooch: WORLD DESTROYING!!!!!!!!! BYGGUALOM IZUKU COMES BACK AND THERES ABSOLUTELY JUST CHAOS

simkjrs: SOMEHOW EVERYTHING IS ALSO BETTER BUT ALSO IT’S COMPLETE CHAOS

pooch: that dude walking into a burnign building with pizza gif

simkjrs:

mitoki: it’s fine, izuku! nothing *important* is on fire! byggualom: the entire building is on fire villain!deku: exactly! 

pooch: IM LAUGHING THEYRE ENABLING EACH OTHER TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!

pooch: byggualom izuku in msa verse: [wakes up in jail] Hm,

simkjrs: byggualom izuku, politely forcing the door open: hello. i believe there has been some sort of misunderstanding

pooch:  

byggualom izuku: [gives them a straight answer when they ask something]tsukauchi: eraserhead:byggualom izuku:tsukauchi: who are you and what have you done with your doppelgänger

simkjrs: wait but does this mean that

simkjrs: msa izuku has somehow, foudn himself, in villain!deku’s place

simkjrs: [finds himself in a world where he is constantly garnering attention and has a huge fan following] fuck

pooch: IM LAUGHIGN THIS IS HIS WORST NIGHTMARE

pooch: 

msa izuku:msa izuku: [climbs into closet] ill wait here as long as it fucking takes. goodbye

simkjrs: byggualom izuku figures out that somethings Up REAL QUICK and u know his vigilante ass is going to go investigatin, whether or not the law approves or not, so he casually breaks out of jail (“im sorry about the door!” he calls as he runs off) and investigates everything. extremely thoroughly

pooch: 

byggualom izuku: can i get a uhhhhhhhhhhh why am i in jail byevillain izuku: [sees texts from friends and associates] can i get a uhhhhhhhh what the fuck?msa izuku: [dead silence from closet. its been hours]

pooch: IM LAUGHINN G UNIVERSAL CONSTANT: JAILBREAKS

pooch: 

byggualom izuku: enters roomhis room: presumably covered in otherworldly runes byggualom izuku:byggualom izuku: am i in a cult

simkjrs: villain!izuku: [gets texts from 5 different ppl asking where he is and if he’s okay] i don’t like this

pooch: 

msa izuku: well at least im not in jailsomeone: [sees him, instantly calls police] someone else: [asks for autograph]msa izuku:

simkjrs: 

a hero: sir– msa izuku, without pause: –all this BULLSHIT about a SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT, so i check the phone and look at this!! LOOK AT THIS!!! *shakes phone at hero* what kind of – self respecting alternate version of myself – would go out actively seeking trouble, what the *hell* – beleaguered hero: sir we’ve been standing here for half an hour now. please climb down and let us arrest you

simkjrs: at least msa izuku and villain!deku can always bond over their lockpicking and breaking&entering skills. trading tips

simkjrs: 

villain!deku: and that model of the lock means, that you can definitely fill it with glitter if you want to, but you have to be careful otherwise msa izuku: the only thing i care about doing to this lock other than unlockign it is breaking it

simkjrs: i feel sorry for msa izuku because he’s self aware enough to be going “oh my god. ohhhh my god. are we doing this again” whenever he pulls his own shit, whereas byggualom izuku and villain!deku are not, so although byggualom izuku occasionally helps msa izuku play straight man to villain!deku, ultimately it’s still msa izuku who ends up being the straight man to all of them. it is a difficult task

end notes: i know this post says it’s for ot3s but if you think about it very carefully the izukus actually slot perfectly into these three roles as well

this isn’t even getting into the sheer hilarity of dropping msa izuku straight into canon during the sports festival, right at the moment izuku wins first place in the race. which is actually such an incredibly funny concept that i am probably going to write it in the near future, at which point you can witness me pandering to myself, exclusively 

[teagcn]

*.:｡ task 004. family — the rosales ◥

the rosales aren’t a close knit family, but they’re also not a tragic family. the parents are deeply in love and happily married, the kids all get along, and they have a pet dog, but theres also a lot of negative energy that is never put up for show. rafael and sloan flores are parents to one girl and two boys, but their parenting towards their only daughter is significantly different compared to how they are with their two sons. being the eldest, teagan has a lot more responsibilities and expectations than her brothers and her relationship with her parents are drastically different. presley and diego are the rosales’ most prized and loved children, but teagan is just teagan. their family dynamic is loving and supportive, but the only family that’s truly loving and supportive towards teagan are her brothers (mostly diego). they’re not close, but they’re not distant. they have sunday dinner together and they go to all the games, science fairs, and stuff like that to support one another and show family unity, but that’s pretty much it. the rosales are your average family-- they’re not too close, but they’re not too distant. they’re content, but they’re not all happy. they love each other, but to what extent varies between each relationship. 

rafael tobias rosales - father, capricorn

a biomedical engineer that believes that knowledge is everything. he believes in handwork and making decisions that'll make you successful rather than happy. rafael is a high key capricorn, fitting the stereotype completely by being responsible, independent, too serious, unimaginative, and a total workaholic. he's your average father figure that's strict, into sports, and is always tired whenever he gets home from a long day of work. rafael is into academics and sciences, but unlike teagan, rafael is more into the facts rather than the theories. he's way too serious and daydreaming isn't even in his vocabulary. he'll make jokes, but his humor is very dry and the only person usually laughing is diego because sloan doesn't find it funny, presley doesn't get it, and teagan is never around to hear it. he's a good father figure to the boys because he'll play sports with them and do the things that fathers do with their sons, but his role in teagan's life has slipped immensely as she got older and was no longer his little girl.

usually fathers refuse to stop thinking of their little girl as a little girl, but that wasn't the case for rafael and teagan. they used to be a close bond and teagan was definitely daddy's little princess when she was younger, but as she got older and got interested in boys and the basic teen stuff, their relationship cracked and it never got repaired. she used to be his little girl and rafael used to spoil her with all the love and toys that you could imagine, but things changed when teagan became a teen and her father was quick to cut all ties. as soon as she got older and was no longer a little girl, her father started treating her like an adult. she was no longer his little princess and he never treated her like she was a child. he gave her responsibility and trust, but he also seemed to take away the love and support he gave her as a child. he was proud of teagan for her outstanding academics and wanting to go into science, but was frustrated with her belief in aliens and conspiracy theories. she was into the facts, but not in the way that rafael wanted her to be. he wanted her to be the model big sister and the child that he could be proud of and show off and she was at one point, but things changed as she got older and their relationship shifted from a father/daughter one to more of a business associate. he saw her as the older sister that needed to be a good example for her little brothers and he's criticize her for every mistake she did. getting b's instead of a's, being too sick to come to class, choosing maui over an internship. everything she did was under a microscope and her father was quick to call her out. she went from being enough and his little girl to someone that never seemed to do enough.

sloan isla rosales (nee fuentes) - mother, scorpio

she came from a poor family and it wasn't until she married rafael was she able to know what it's like to be apart of the upper middle class. when she was younger, all she wanted to do was be a princes and do pageants and grow up to be a fashion designer or work with makeup and perfumes, but because she came from a poor family, sloan knew that she couldn't and that's why she chose to become an accountant because she knew that her dreams wouldn't bring in stable income and she refused to live the way she did when she was younger. although she chose to be an accountant, she's still very much into beauty and makes sure she's the prettiest one in the office and during the appointments. she'll show up in designer clothes she can afford and heels so tall that people look at her in amazement with how gracefully she walks in them.

sloan always wanted a daughter, but when she got teagan, teagan just wasn't enough for her. she wanted a daughter that was into the same things she was, but teagan was more into sciences, aliens, and conspiracy theories than she was into beauty and pageants. teagan wanted to enter the science fair and build lasers, but her mother wanted her in dresses and winning the tiara. teagan learned to love fashion as she got older, but by the time she tried to connect with her mom and form a close bond with her, sloan just didn't care enough to form one with her. sloan is a very loving mother to diego and especially presley, but she's very critical and cold when it comes to teagan and although teagan hates the heat, she'd much rather be the one in this position rather than watching her brothers go through it instead. teagan and her mother aren't close and her mother makes her question everything, but teagan still yearns for her acceptance and is constantly trying to be the daughter her mother wanted. teagan tries to act like the lack of motherly love doesn't affect her, but in reality it has everything to do with teagan's need to be loved and why she's constantly putting herself out there and entertaining people and talking and acting the way she does because she never got the love a mother was supposed to give her. sloan holds a lot of resentment against teagan because she wanted teagan to live the life sloan wanted to as a child, but teagan turned out different than her expectations of a daughter. sloan always wanted a beauty queen daughter, but got one that was in love with aliens instead. she wanted to be a stay at home mom and live lavishly, but she had to work and while she's not poor, slogans also not rich enough to support her dream lifestyle. she has three kids, but sloan puts all the resentment and hatred and jealousy and negative energy on teagan than the boys because at least the boys fit her expectations.

presley darren rosales - brother, leo

16 years old and currently a junior in high school. he's apart of the varsity football team, has a solid 3.0 gpa to keep him in the game, and a massive heartbreaker due to his look and position in the social ladder. he's the most high key leo you'll ever meet with his constant need for attention and the spotlight. he's a bit arrogant and painfully straightforward, but presley is also extremely energetic and optimistic. although it's usually the middle child that gets the least amount of attention, presley is definitely the favorite child of the rosales siblings and he's not afraid of using the favoritism card against his siblings whenever he can. he's the golden child despite his constant reckless behaviors. presley is almost untouchable when it comes to anything due to the favoritism, so he never hesitates when it comes to doing something he shouldnt because he knows the stakes aren't that high for him.

teagan and presley are your average siblings who fight and get along at a healthy amount. they're not exactly the best of friends and they're constantly butting heads, but they love each other nonetheless. presley is a big annoyance to teagan because of his attitude and his constant need to be the center of gravity. and because she's the eldest and is supposed to be the role model, teagan is often blamed for his reckless behaviors even though she wasn't involved with it in anyway. she dislikes presley for constantly getting her into trouble, but teagan knows it has more to do with her relationship with her parents than it actually has to do with her role as the big sister. he's also the brother that gets the most attached to the boys that teagan brings home because he always wanted an older brother, so whenever teagan undergoes a breakup, presley often sides with her ex rather than teagan, which creates a lot of problems and drifts between them.

diego hayes rosales - brother, virgo

15 year old sophomore in high school that's more low-key out of the three siblings. while teagan and presley don't mind the attention, diego tries his best to stay out of it as much as he can. he's your everyday virgo because he's studious and sensible, but diego is also incredibly petty and cold. he's the youngest, but he's treated as if he's the middle child. the parents love him, but their attention isn't on him unless he does something academically successful. he's the nhs secretary, sophomore class treasurer, and has a solid 4.0 gpa that he argues would be at least a 4.3 gpa if their school allowed a gpa higher than 4.0. he's into soccer, but he's not as athletic compared to presley and only joined the team because he knows a sport will look great in college applications.

teagan and diego are best friends, partners in crime, and each other's ride or dies to the fullest extent. although they're a trio with presley, teagan and diego are the closes out of the siblings and out of the family in general. they're opposites that compliment each other beautifully, but they also share a lot of the same qualities. she likes entertaining and staring the conversations while diego is more of a listener and will laugh at her jokes. she's more open than diego, but diego is still very humorous if he gets comfortable enough with you. they're both incredibly petty and often talk about their petty acts together or call each other out when they're being petty about something or to each other. although she's the eldest, diego is extremely protective of her when it comes to boys and their parents. diego tries to be the "big brother" and intimidate the boys she brings home. and because they're extremely close, diego knows how much damage their parents inflicts on teagan and he does his best to protect her whenever he can whether it means taking the blame, siding with her, or taking the fall with her so she's not the only one getting the heat. out of everyone, teagan loves him the most and has the closest bond with him. she loves presley with all her heart, but if it weren't for diego, then teagan would never visit home.

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

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here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

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you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

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“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

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like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

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“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

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yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.