#like the shit ive done to cope when food was RIGHT THERE

[whoviandoodler]

Actually eating food to feel better or to lift your mood or 'drown your troubles' or whatever is great!!! It's amazing and good and does help!!! Like yes obviously you should think abt the cause of your bad emotions if you haven't and stuff, but there's not a single thing wrong with eating food- including carbs, sugar, and everything seen as 'bad' by diet culture- to cope with them. Eating is good and morally neutral always and forever, and fuck diet culture for making me think for years that it's a moral failing to eat when I'm down. Sometimes you just need to have some chips or some pasta or some chocolate or literally whatever, food is love, food is comfort, let it be there for you when you can't deal with something in the moment.

[dragon-queen21]

GUESS WHO

(before i start, metal family is originally a russian cartoon on youtube that was dubbed in english. its about in not my words “the most unhealthy healthy family ever” like the name suggests, music is a huge part of it. in later episodes there are a few trigger warnings that apply but the shows pretty good! and honestly has a lot of agere potential but)

(also i wanna drop, i was thinkin about this earlier but i like to think that nezuko is perma-regressed or close to it. she almost constantly acts younger than she is, and honestly i think it could be a way to cope with her bein a demon, and maybe it could suppress demon urges with baby urges. (like being comforted, sleepin, lookin up to someone) anyway now im thinkin of tanjiro just carryin her around like a baby when shes in her little form)

-no because your so right, i was thinkin about the zeff one and let me raise up your raise up:

zeff raised sanji, and this poor boy has a crazy amount of trauma, at the time of meeting zeff was pretty fresh too. now zeff watchin this boy grow up in his teen years, only to realize that “hey, somethings off sometimes” that zeff recongized arent sanjis regular trauma responses that zeff knows, zeff paying more attention and whys the kid not talkin durin food prep? sanji has a big mouth how hasnt zeff noticed that before? or how sanji would sometimes stand a little closer to zeff than normal, or when the customers ask sanji a question some days, he’ll look and find zeff before answering. or how his eyes would full up with tears before bein forced away like the kid refused to cry. and oh, this reminds him of the eggplant right when they started the baratie, just a bit more sensitive if the tears & fist clenchin has anythin to say about it. (later he opens one of the psychology books he got a little after he adopted sanji, and finds “age regression” and it all clicks.)

i feel like zeff wouldnt treat sanji different when hes obviously feelin little (aside from basic care just to make sure sanji doesnt hurt himself) he wouldnt treat him like a burden or annoyingly like a baby. i feel like that would make sanji feel terrible about himself, so just the normalcy even when hes little encourages him that its okay, hes still helping its okay, no one cares that your biting your nails after zeff just told you not too. zeff wouldnt tell sanji he knows that he age regresses, and sanji doesnt tell zeff hes little. (but sometimes maybe zeff, on days the baratie isnt as busy and they can afford to work slower, zeff likes to subtly do things to make the eggplant regress farther. just enough to where he can still work and not be extremely overwhelmed, while still helpin sanji cope) (it goes well, the other chefs never catch on to this, thank irene am i right)

-sanjis definitly the kinda kid to regress if he ever gets sick. hes not used to bein sick as it is, and i feel like due to this that when he does get sick, he gets *SICK* like bedridden type shit. he totally makes someone take care of him, “oh chopper you wanna do somethin else? too bad! hes sick and hes makin it everyones problem.” “oh nami you wanted to come check up on his while chopper managed to slip away, oh well you just sealed your fate, that boy is clingin to you like big sanji has never done before.”

the baby is cryin because he wont stop coughin and its givin him a headache, only to cry harder when chopper tries to give him cough medicine. hes screamin cryin because he feels icky, but hes also cryin because now he has a sore throat.

-ive seen some people say that sanji probably wouldnt throw many fits or have many tantrums, and i agree with that, but oh my irene let that kid have a tantrum, let him whine and cry and make the crew scramble to fix the problem, as a treat🫶 let him cause baby mayhem, let him create disarray, hes never done a bad thing in his life, lets get that number to one shall we?

(-zoro givin lil sanji a sip of his booze because sanji wont stop askin,

sanji takes one sip, and then promptly spits it out, zoro just laughin his lungs out.)

OKAY THATS IT, this was gonna be about lil zoro too but. sanji took it over, wow im never on track with these, f plannin lets see what happens, also wanted to ask, where are you jn one piece rn? i wanna make sure i dont spoil ☹️ (im in post timeskip — punk hazard) i try to leave these asks/rambles ambiguous to the time period because i know you only take pre time skip, but sometimes i think i make it a bit more specific so sorry just in case)

and i hope your doing well too, make sure to take breaks and everythin for yourself, mental health comes first, and thank you for the prayers 🤍 right back at ya

📷

:D heyoh friend!

~See you get it! I always thought that with Nezuko. Especially felt this after the red light district when Tanjiro’s singing is what stops her from loosing control.

~Things are a lot easier to process as a toddler simply looking up to Tanjiro to take care of her.

~But also baby space Nezuko, being swaddled by Tanjiro. Confusing everyone at first because- why does Tanjiro have a baby???

~Maybe she was regressed when the attack happened and that’s what lets her change her height/age as a demon. <-random idea anyways

Okay One Piece now

~~~

~I started a long time ago a fic with Zeff figuring out that Sanji regresses. It ended up being kind of dark with other unhealthy coping mechanisms included. Anyways sharing because I have always loved the idea of Zeff just, getting the chance to look after his little eggplant again.

~Idea: Zeff calling Sanji baby eggplant when he knows the boy is regressed without realizing, and Sanji just panics for a moment because- ‘oh hell Zeff hasn’t called me that in years. He knows! No he doesn’t. Yes he does!’

~“oh chopper you wanna do somethin else? too bad! hes sick and hes makin it everyones problem.”

<-

Jdjodbsjbdj oh my gosh XD Luffy too. They would both be so dramatic. Imaging them both being sick and regressed together. The mopiest and clingiest babies ever.

And poor Nami. Can’t even properly pry off Sanji without feeling bad. She has to just resign to her fate of getting sick from the baby.

~No I agree. Let him be fussy and inconsolable. As a treat :3 ( <- coming from the regressor who would also like to throw a tantrum sometimes but can’t) Too many big emotions that are too hard to process.

~Also Franky teaching him how to throw a “proper” tantrum. And Robin using her devil powers to catch flying books and objects thrown across the room, to make sure nothing breaks so that Sanji doesn’t feel bad after, but not exactly stopping the little. Just letting it run its course. Scribbling over the page of a coloring books and snapped crayons and ripped pages.

(<- Has too many ideas, can you tell?)

XD honestly I do the same thing. My brain is all over the place always.

Story time to answer your question! I watch one piece with my mom, as it’s her favorite anime. Currently I am at water seven although I’ve seen enough spoilers that I belive I can write most of the main crew with reason. Not the first time I’ve written fandom blind/ character blind and no ones called me out on it yet >:3 (I have about 15 or so fics on ao3 for a fandom I never watched a single episode for)

Usually watch an episode or two a day but the hyperfixation of this series called the Andy Griffith show has taken over One Piece right now so I will be on water seven for awhile longer. But feel free to mention any characters really, I’ll still do my best to comment on them :D

[nardonotes]

26 oct '24

4:30am

lads.... (≖_≖ ) ok first of all,, there's going to be two posts with the 26th because im basically writing about the 25th rn but it's 4:30am so it's the 26th ANYWAYS-

so i woke up late asl,, there wasn't a specific time to go in my work experience anyways, and the last time i went it was like 12pm,, so ?? they teased me for it a little bit but like y'all are not paying me AT ALL also im going fucking warehouse work when i should be sitting upstairs with the graphic designers and watching them work so i get an insight of what this career path looks like for me in the future. ⁽⁽(੭ꐦ •̀Д•́ )੭*⁾⁾ so like.... i will SHOW UP WHENEVER I WANT TO FUCKING SHOW UP. and im not filling that fucking 60hrs omfg,,,, literally just gna lie to their asses because i did so much work today with no break. literally free fucking labour. but god bless i dont have to think about it for another week. ( ≧ᗜ≦)

when i got home, i literally knocked tf out. like i was soooo exhausted. wait i just lied- before i knocked out, i ate CRAB !!! (one of my favourite food, i love seafood a lot) and went to the repair store with my sister to help her get her laptop fixed. (¬⤙¬ ) OH! and i also got my film i developed. im kind of done with getting them printed in though,, i think i'll just take digitals from now on, and if i want certain film printed, ill either do it myself or pay less than like a tenner for a few.

so where was i- THEN I KNOCKED OUT!!!! i slept at 6pm and woke up at like 11pm? i felt so good after though,, i ate, cleaned my room, washed my sheets, CHANGED MY SHEETS EEEEEEKK!!!!!!!1 i love love love new sheets :33 now im writing this. im kind of hungry though... im so glad i don't have to do shit tomorrow. i'm going to watch IVE stuff because it's been so long since i have and i need my coping mechanism to cope my mechanism. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hmm,,,, what else. oh right the girl; HOUUUGGHHH...,.,..,..,.,,,......,. like/... this minor (which is not so minor bc we're grown enough to communicate) issue just turned me off so bad like... she's not very good at communicating. and the more i think about it, it's like,, she didn't even apologise for cancelling.. so like u clearly dgaf. so... (¬_¬") idgaf anymore./ i kinda lost interest after this,, if she wants to raincheck properly with me, she can put in the effort bc i can't be assed.. i already expressed that i was lookin forward to it- and that i'd like to know when she's free, and if her roommate doesn't fuck up her plans again (which i also think is just an excuse. ahem.) it's fine tho really,, i watched wony vids last night and was like wow... i don't need nobody but her ( ´ཀ` ) like wow... shit got me droolin ( ´ཀ` ) ( ´ཀ` ) ( ´ཀ` )//..

LOL. anyways. im excited to just rest and recharge this week. i'm going to try and not make so much plans with anyone either because.. i need this time alone xD....

ok goodnight/morning. im going to find something to eat, and then watch some stupid youtube shit!! eeek!!!!! so excited!!!!!!! <3 never kill yourself. <33

song of the day: Mercury by Ravyn Lenae °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

[heymrstargazer]

andreil and exams stress (bc my tests are going on and i need to cope)

so andreil exam season is just.. a time

because andrew's memory infuriates neil to no end

he's watching andrew just casually read through his text books sipping hot cocoa like you fuCKER

meanwhile neil is neck deep in math notes .02 seconds from actually losing it

andrew just looks so relaxed

he always keeps a very level head about that kind of stuff on the outside at least

because of his memory

but he absolutely has random bursts of panic like oH nO what if this random concept ive heard of once is on the final exam

andrew is reading for fun at this point and neil is Done™

fuzzy socks, big hoodie, hot chocolate, cookies he baked an hour before

neil is like if you even look at me i might scream

he's like i need to leave before i kill someone

andrew, five chapters deep into some murder mystery novel: want a cookie?

i'm turning it soft now buckle up

he comes back from studying and andrew has cooked him dinner cause he knows neil won't cook real food for himself right now

and neil is like i am trying to be mad at you

and andrew is like i made your favorite :)

andrew makes neils favorite foods too

(HAHA

look at us

our brain waves have synced i swear)

but yes and andrew cleans off the desk and sets up neils notes and texbooks all nice while hes out for a quick run to clear his head

neil comes back to everything nice and organized and andrew is like come relax you have a hard exam tomorrow and we both know you're prepared

neil is like who possessed you why are you doing this

andrew is like can't i do something nice??

andrew just like im trying to be nice now sit down you ungrateful asshole

he's trying to be soft to help neil with the stress but now he's worried he made it worse

when andrew has his first exam neil walks him to the building and gives him a little good luck kiss on the forehead

he just does it off hand but he accidentally starts a tradition where they give each other forehead kisses for good luck

andrew takes neil to his first exam too and has to get on the steps up to the building to give him a forehead kiss

andrew: not one word josten *forehead kith*

imagine like one of the other foxes were walking past at the same time and he gives them the 'ill murder you if you say anything' look

it's like matt and dan and they both make a big show of looking away

yes they literally put their hands to their eyes to shield their peripheral vision

andrew gives one (1) approving nod

if it was aaron hed just mime throwing up and continue on his way

anyway back to the actual exams neil would get really in the zone studying and andrew would have to have so much self restraint not to bother him

like he wants neil to do well but hes boreddddd

yes he's be so bored after finishing his textbooks

just imagine neil is so focused with his headphones on and andrew is just doing the most random shit behind him

like dramatically flopping on the couch, juggling fruits, launching neils socks he leaves everywhere into the dirty laundry basket

they end up with an entire kitchen full of baked goods

neil turns around to go to the bathroom a few hours later to see andrew standing with like four pans of cookies, brownies, etc on the counter and a mixing bowl in his hand

yes andrew is just fucking around in the other half of the dorm trying to stay out of neil's line of sight

the amount of christmas cookies they end up with during winter exams is insane

neil has never seen so many snowflake sprinkles in one place

he accidentally launches one of the socks onto neils desk and ducks down behind the counter so he doesnt get in trouble for distracting him

neil whips his head around like wtf was that cause he's been so lazer focused

andrew is covered in flour and icing by the end of each day and neil is covered in ink and they both just look at each other like what have we become

also imagine aaron or kevin was standing there while andrew threw said sock and gets it launched back at their head because neil thought they did it

andrew just keeps bringing plates of fresh cookies and cakes and brownies with bowls of fruit and neil is like babe pls stop feeding me for comfort

yes by the end neil has like a tower of plates and bowls hes taken like one bite out of

andrew: >:( but what if you get hungry

neil: drew you could feed the whole campus with this much im fiNE

andrew: but i need to feed yoU

the rest of the foxes watching this happen: can we have some

neil: yes

andrew: nO

neil packs up plates to bring to his and andrew's professors after each exam and they still have enough to last a week of dessert after all three meals

neil is like damn i could have practiced my math problems with these

neil: andrew you're the watermelon guy but with baked goods

also andrew would refuse to give any of the 100 extra plates to the foxes just because hes stubborn

it's the principle of it

those are HIS exam stress baked goods and he can delegate them as he sees fit

if he only gives them to neil that's his business

yeah and he finds out neil gives one of the extra three tier cakes to the girls and is like i can never trust you again

nicky and matt try pulling off a heist at like 3 am

nicky and matt take a one day heist planning break from studying and all it gets them is two barely dodged knives to the sides of their heads

andrew can hear the fridge door open in his sleep

neil, half asleep, feeling the bed move as andrew shuffles around: whats going on? are you okay?

andrew: theres an emergency

andrew: they're after the brownies

no one knows this but neil threw the second knife

andrew drags neil out of bed like quick we need to defend the our most prized possessions

neil: the exy gear??

andrew: the ✨baking✨

neil, jumping out of bed: oh shit

back to exams obviously they both pass (it was totally the forehead kisses) and they spend all of christmas break eating through the various things andrew stock piled

yeah they totally pass

they both did fine

neil probably was like oh thank god i reviewed that one chapter and andrew is like no no it was definitely the strawberry cheesecake

neil is like yes it was babe thank you :)

but it was definitely the review

(orange is @archiveofourfoxes )

[serumandsteel]

the way we heal | jj maybank

- pairings: jj maybank x reader

- summary: people deal with trauma in different ways but it seems that jj thinks you don't care about the loss of your friends and deep down himself but he just needs to understand that people heal in their own time and through their own meanings, he just needed to be reassured of it. kinda pre season 2 ep 1 give ot take

- warning(s): really motherfucking angsty and swearing. mention of substance abuse

- wc: 2.2k :))))

a/n: all my fics the pogues and reader are the age 17/18 only because that's more comfortable for me to write. its been a long long time since i have wrote something so sorry for and spelling errors

People tend to deal with trauma differently. It could be resulting to crying you eyes out until you can’t breath and you can’t see through your tears clouding your eyes. Drinking until your liver wants to shut down and you whole body is so numb that yourself and everyone around you is so tuned out that you can’t function. Resulting to drugs to either feel something or not to feel anything at all. Or to have something to blame your actions on from yourself acting out simply because you don’t know how to handle the situation of a friend dying.

See you on the other hand dealt with it internally or the whim and feeling of not accepting death. Maybe it was your subconscious talking wanting you not to accept or maybe it was the gut feeling that you always got telling you that they were actually alive and have survived that storm that ‘supposedly’ had swept them away because “no body was found”.

This ‘gut feeling’ had always been right in many life or death situations. Or even just you picking out an outfit that you were unsure of whether it was going to get the boys attention that you had a crush on. It did indeed get his attention that night because that’s how you ended up loosing your virginity that night but that’s besides the point.

The best way you could describe it was like when people would do personality tests and it would ask “are you controlled by your heart or what you feel” probably not those exact words but you get the point. I felt with my feelings if my gut said yes then it was a yes.

Since the night that John B and Sarah had ‘died’ your gut had been telling you the opposite. That they were in fact not dead. As Big John use to say when you were a kid, you can never kill a Routledge. At the time it seemed like bullshit but now it was starting to grow on you.

However now your two friends were presumed dead and not everyone dealt with trauma like you did. Some would even go as far to say that you didn’t actually give a fuck that your friends were dead because you hadn’t cried or you hadn’t drunk yourself into a state of no return or resulted to smoking weed every single day and spray painted ‘murder’ on Ward Cameron’s estate. But at least Kiara wasn’t lying.

But the thing was you hadn’t cried because you couldn’t, you quite literally hated crying because it made you feel weak. Even if you tried and you tried your hardest but nothing came. At this point you could go as far as denial. This gut feeling was like getting hit by a semi truck every time a thought came into your head questioning maybe they were dead. Maybe they did get swept away at sea and never to return.

Your gut feeling was simply not letting you mourn the loss of John B and Sarah and now everyone thought you were an emotionless bitch. I mean they were right to a point but not the whole point.

So that brought you to current day driving around the Cut and night playing fucking real life Where’s Wally but its Where’s JJ Maybank because he’s blacked out drunk somewhere and now you’re on a rescue mission. Not like you had done enough of those in the last few weeks.

About an hour ago your phone rang and it was JJ asking you to come pick him up since somehow he had now idea where he had ended up and was too far gone to put together his surroundings. Well that’s what you had assumed he said since you had to decipher his slurred words.

At this point you had driven around the whole island and gone to every hid out spot that he would go smoke at or to just get away from everyday life. You had gone to all but one place. Where you avoiding that particular house because it held so many memories, plus the fact you hadn’t been near the place since shit hit rock bottom. Yes? But it was the highest chance that JJ was sitting on that dock with his legs swinging over it with a beer in hand.

Well you were right. As you walked down the old dock to where JJ was sitting it was if you could feel all the emotions, thoughts and disbelief crawling their way up your skin from the ground you were walking on. But that gut feeling was like a wave of fire, burning it all the way back to the ground.

“I don’t know why I just didn’t look here first. I should have known aye” you half heartedly said trying to keep the conversation light since you didn’t know what state JJ was going to be in. From the huff you got in response told you he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“How much have you had J?” You asked with concern but still trying to keep you voice light and less reprimanding because you knew he was in a too fragile state for you to be angry.

“Does it even matter how much Iv had. I don’t feel shit anymore” he replied back with his words straight forward and sobered.

“Well have you even given yourself a break for your body to sober up for you to even feel the effects of it? Or have you still been going since yesterday when I saw you? J its not going to do shit if you don’t give it a rest for at least a day or so” you said back trying you best to keep you and your voice as calm as possible. You fucking hated seeing JJ like this, you would never say it to his face but fuck it just reminded you of his dad when he got into states like this. Until the last week you had never seen JJ this bad. But could you blame him.

“You just don’t get it do you” JJ was now facing you and by the tone of his voice you had unintentionally struck a nerve that you were actively avoiding. “Why did you even fucking come if you’re just going to tell me how I should cope. Do you even care that JB has gone? He was our best fucking friend. He was my fucking brother my only family! And he’s fucking gone just like his old man. You haven’t even shed a tear y/n. You’re just acting like nothing had happened. Do you even care!” JJ was now on his feet breathing heavily and his jaw so clenched you’re surprised his teeth haven’t broken

“J, please do not yell at me right now” you asked with your voice shaking trying to hold back something that was bubbling at the surface. Was it anger or was it the water works that desperately needed to be let out.

JJ started to walk back up the dock, showing that he was done with this conversation that he could have avoided if he didn’t ask you in the first place to come pick him up. Deep down he knew that you would be the only one to come and get him, he just wasn’t as good at showing his gratefulness due to the alcohol that was numbing him.

“JJ just wait please, please don’t walk away” You stood back up and starting walking after him quick on the backs of his feet. He halted his tracks and turned around to look at you with a pained look in his face, as you got up close you could see his eyes stained red. Either from crying or the linger of weed still in his system.

“What could you possibly want to say y/n. I really thought you would be the last person not to care about this” JJ was now right up in your face and his voice was holding back trying his best not to yell. But that last sentence had taken you back.

“You think I don’t care JJ!” now you starting yelling “of course I give a shit JJ our friends are gone, they are not fucking here. I know it might not seem that I don’t care. But just because I’m not crying my eyes out every hour or drinking myself into a state where I don’t now where the fuck I am or getting high that I spray paint on any wall I see” your breath was now battling to come to the surface because you were talking so fast.

“Just because Im not doing any of those things doesn’t mean I don’t care JJ! People deal with this shit differently and you need to understand that” you breathed out trying to grasp for air again “the thing is JJ I have this annoying gut feeling thats telling me that John B and Sarah are not dead, and its literally preventing me to mourn them. I have convinced myself that they are alive and I can’t fucking mourn non dead people J. I don’t know how to fucking explain it”

“Well why didn’t you just tell us that” he replied after bit letting your whole rant sink into his brain, weaving its way through the alcohol that was clouding it.

“Because JJ! Even saying that out loud I sound fucking crazy, like I’m in a deep pit of denial. The thing is I’m far from denial. Yes I know there is a massive fucking fat chance that they are dead and have been food for the sharks” you exclaimed

“Don’t make it worse y/n” JJ shook his head not very happy with your choice of words

“Okay yeah sorry bad wording. Im sorry” you lowered your head in sorrow wanting to slap yourself in the face for trying to make jokes out of trauma.

“So its not that I don’t care J, trust me I do care. But John B and Sarah are not physically here with us and I cant physically care for them right now. But when we see them can do that”

“Y/n -“ JJ tried to get a word in but you hadn’t finished

“Don’t JJ. We will see them again” you put an emphasis on ‘will’ “I trust my gut and even you know that when I get a gut feeling that it’s always been right. Correct?”

“Yes but -“ he tried to get another word in but you needed him to listen.

“JJ I care about you. I care about Kiara and Pope. You guys are physically here for me to care for. The thing is I haven’t spoken to Kie since she’s with Pope half the time and I have spoken to Pope since he’s with Kid half the time and you? I can’t speak to you because your too far gone in beers to for me to even get a coherent conversation in” This was such an over due conversation to be had, you were now on the verge of hyperventilating. You needed JJ to hear this. Fully sober would have been better but half sober is the best you’re gonna get.

“JJ I understand if that’s how you’re going to deal with all of this but you can’t throw yourself completely away. We need you. I need you JJ. I can’t have you going off the deep end and then we loose you too. You need to be here for when we get John B back. He will need you for when he’s back”. The water works that you had been holding back had finally been released and trust it to be in front of JJ. He was your fucking rock, you couldn’t loose him. No way that would be your last day on earth if that were to happen.

“I-. Im sorry. I’m just so fucking lost y/n. I don’t know what the fuck to do. You’re always at work and Kie and Pope are god knows where. I just want this to go away so fucking bad. All this pain, I feel like I have no one” JJ was now crying to and gripping your waist as is you could float away into the air

“I know JJ, but you have us you have always had us. But you have to be so stubborn sometimes that you won’t let us in and help, you won’t let me in a help you” you had JJ’s face in your hands making him look at you so he knew you meant every single word. “I’m so sorry if you didn’t think I cared and I wasn’t there to help you, I just deal with this shit in a different way. Just like every single other person. We all heal differently and that’s okay. It dosent mean we care less. It doesn’t mean I care less”

Now there you and JJ stand on the dock leading off the chateau both in each others embrace purging the pain that’s both been locked up inside you for so long. The past you and JJ had people really didn’t tend to understand but neither did you. But you would always find your way back to each other at the end of the day. Despite the fights you had in the past and the days you would be at each others throats screaming at each other to the days you would be secretly stealing a glance at him because you just couldn’t help yourself.

You would always be there to help him take the pain away and he was always be there to do the same for you.

[hangovercurse]

Missing You

Part ii of the Without You series: Y/N tries to cope with what happened between her and Colson

Colson x Reader

Warnings: Cursing, Colson being a dick (again.. sorry), and sad boi hours ft. my boi Pete

A/N: I’m so sorry. This was only supposed to be one part but it was too long for just one so... here you go. I apologize in advance.

Word Count: 1389

| i | iii | iv | v | vi |

masterlist

You leaned against the wall next to the door, not quite trusting yourself to drive yet. You sniffled as the reality of the situation set in, your mind replaying the events upstairs. You brought your hand to your mouth, trying to muffle the sobs that overtook your body.

The door next to you opened and you prepared yourself for who might come through, knowing full well that Colson would not come chasing you. Luckily, it was Pete, probably the only person on Earth that you could talk to at the moment.

He took one look at your face before pulling you into his arms, holding you as you sobbed. Your body gave out from underneath you, and he held you as the pair of you slid to the patio floor. You curled your knees to your chest, leaning into Pete.

“You don’t have to, but if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen.” Pete whispered. You simply nodded into his shoulder, trying to build up the courage to speak.

When you finally could talk your voice came out in choppy sentences interrupted with occasional sobs. “He- he said that I- that I was the reason Megan left.” You paused, sniffling. “And then he said that I- I mean…” You couldn’t bring yourself to say it, so you just let out a sob.

Pete’s hand was running through your hair, trying to bring you comfort. You slowed your breathing down and got to a point where you weren’t crying as hard. “He said I mean nothing to him.” You finally whispered. Pete almost didn’t hear it, and part of him wished he hadn’t. You sounded so broken and he didn’t know that anyone other than Colson could fix you.

“I don’t think he meant that. He’s just angry and you happened to be in a bad place at a bad time.”

“I think he did. You didn’t see him. It was almost like he was enjoying it. Like the fact that I was in pain made him happy.” You moved your arms to wrap around Pete, seeking comfort from the memories. “And he- he hurt me.” Pete tensed up and you were quick to continue, “he didn’t mean to but, he wouldn’t let go of me. No matter how much I pushed him and told him to get off of me he wouldn’t move and I was so- I was so scared.”  

More tears fell from your eyes as Pete’s grip around you tightened. “Let me take you home Y/N. I don’t think this is a good place for you to be and I don’t think you’re in any state to drive.”

You nodded as he began to stand up, pulling you with him. You wiped your tears on your sleeve, taking a deep breath in. “I’m sorry.” You whispered, looking downwards. “I shouldn’t- Colson’s your friend you should be taking care of him. It wasn’t fair of me to put all that on you. I’m sorry.”

You looked up at Pete, who had a confused expression on his face. “Y/N, you’re my friend too, okay? Colson’s being a dick right now, he doesn’t deserve people taking care of him right now. You do.” You nodded, looking back down, “And just so you know, you’re not a burden. I can see those little wheels turning in your head telling you that you are. You’re not.”

“Thanks Pete.” You mumble into his shoulder as he embraces you in a hug.

 It had been a week since your big fight with Colson and he still hadn’t reached out. No apology, no calls, not even a drunk text.

You’d decided that Colson really had meant what he said.

For the past week, you’d been a mess. You barely left your bed, much less your house. Pete stayed over the first night, afraid you would do something stupid, but you made him leave the next day. Rook and Slim both tried to come by, but you didn’t answer the door.

You hadn’t answered your phone for a week, which made you feel worse because now all your friends were worrying about you. But you couldn’t bring yourself to talk to anyone.

Surprisingly, however, you’d been sober all week. Every substance you could think of felt sacred to him. You couldn’t smoke weed because you used to smoke weed with Colson. You couldn’t drink because you used to drink with Colson. It was like everything in your life was attached to him.

In a way, it was worse than a break-up. It was worse than him rejecting you. Colson had been a part of you for so long, he was attached to every piece of you. You weren’t you without him. But now you had to figure out how to be just that.

After the seventh day, you decided you should answer your phone. At least let Pete know that you’re okay. Scrolling through the messages he’d left you over the past few days made you feel guilty. He had been really worried about you. So, you sent him a text.

I’m alive, don’t worry. Just trying to figure my shit out. Sorry for worrying you.

You sent a similar message to Rook, who had been trying to reach you all week. While you were scrolling through your messages you couldn’t help but open the last message you’d sent to Colson.

He’d had a date with Megan that night and sent you a picture of what he was wearing, asking if he looked weird. You, of course, told him no.

You look fine, loser. Have fun with Megan!

Somehow the message just made you angry. You had tried so hard to be supportive, even when it broke your heart. You were nice to her, friendly even. You would have never tried to sabotage their relationship, you’d never get between them, no matter how you felt for Colson.

You backed out of the message chain. You saw Casie’s picture below his and figured you owed it to her to text.

Hey Case. You doing ok?

The typing symbol appeared, and then her message came through.

Not really. Dad’s been really mad the past couple of days. He’s barely left his room. Where have you been?!?

You sighed, a sad smile on your face at her innocence.

Cols and I got into a fight. I don’t think I’ll be coming around for a little while, sweetheart.

Don’t worry about your dad, he’ll get better soon. Have you talked to him?

Your heart sank at the thought of not seeing Casie. She was like your own daughter, you adored her. And now you might lose her and Colson.

Not really. Idk what to say.

You thought for a moment about how to respond.

Hmm. Maybe ask him if he’s feeling better? Or smth like that.

Casie gave the thumbs up reaction and didn’t respond afterwards, so you assumed the conversation was over.

 Another week passed. You had finally been able to get some work done from home, but you still felt like shit.

Baze and Slim came by to drop off groceries much to your protest, saying they figured you hadn’t left the house and needed food. Though you hated them treating you like you were fragile, you appreciated the sentiment.

Casie never texted you back, so you assumed Colson told her not to text you or she had decided not to on her own accord. Either way the thought made you sick to your stomach.

Work was a welcome distraction from your mind. You could easily throw yourself into small projects and forget about the world for a few hours at a time. And that’s exactly what you were doing. Sitting on the couch, laptop in your lap, typing away.

Today had been a surprisingly good day. You woke up and felt a sliver of motivation, which you were currently running with. You felt like the grey cloud over your head was finally starting to go away.

You heard a sound at your front door, which made you curious and also a bit nervous. Then you heard a key turning in the keyhole, a click following the turn. You were in the middle of wondering “who the hell has a key to my house?” when the door opened, revealing a distraught 6 foot 4 blond man.

“Colson?”

[bro-strider-hate-blog]

YOUR TAGS ON MY SIS POST??? IMMACULATE

I will include my tags again but only because i cant get enough of myself and not to sound like im tooting my own kazoo but this is the one time in my entire life that ive been objectively correct in every way

Lengthy and unrelated thing under the cut: 

Let me talk about canon bro for a second 😌 even though its barely and tangentially related to this and you dont have to read it <3, in fact i would encourage you not to read it i just wanna run my mouth. People love to use him as a cheap villain in their dave angst fics which is like... hilarious to me. Like i get it, since hes abusive he must also be misogynistic and homophobic and transphobic and also genuinely hates dave and revels in his suffering right? Lmeow no, hes just some guy and despite everything he is in fact trying his best. Hes naturally intense and aggressive and this doesnt translate well to child rearing, especially since his one goal is to make dave strong enough (physically and mentally) to Survive whats coming. The random sneak attacks ? The traps littered around the house ? To keep dave on his toes and buff his spatial awareness. The cameras ? To monitor his progress (if hes not up to standard then we’ll just up the “training”) and / or film some puppet snuff (puff ? Snupp?) so he can keep running his dumb website and like provide for them or some shit , or ig to buy random crap and throw it around the house. Who cares if the kid sees the porn anyway its just puppets, plus hes seen way worse at that age and turned out fine (no he didnt). Dave has to be resourceful , he has to be creative and think on his feet , lets have impromptu rap battles and scrabble games. He has to know numbers like the back of his hand (idk why this is even a phrase do any of you memorise what the back of your hands looks like) to effectively utilise his sylladex.... actually nobody even uses that shit idk why bro was so insistent on it. Dave is his protege, his charge, dave is NOT his friend and hes not gonna let him forget that. He teaches him all he knows, in the way he knows. Making comics, mixing music, ironic jokes, being cool and getting shit done. Actually its GOOD that the kid is terrified of him, if hes the scariest thing in the room then dave wont fear anything else. Lets spar then, if dave wins then hes trained him well. If dave loses then hell become resilient. Either way he has to be strong or else hell die, training is necessary. Its either this or failure and failure equals death. Do your own laundry, ration your own food, become independent as fast as possible because i wont be around to take care of you forever

Nothing bro does is without reason, neither is it “sadism”, its all very logical to him despite being horrific to any sane person because his only friend is the mansplain-manipulate-manspread puppet that raised him and he has awful coping mechanisms that barely stretch past beating himself 1. up 2. off. Like he kept his baby alive to the point where it could keep itself alive (kind of alive) and thats a win to him.

That was my thesis on why bro is not a bigot like ,, he makes porn of fucking smuppets, that gives him zero chance to fetishize The Ladies. I doubt he has porno mags littered around the house its just endless plushie dicks and asses (and the two puppets handcuffed together were legit kinda funny like Why). So why would dave have internalised homophobia if it did not stem from his brother ??? Acting as if his only friends werent exuding anti gay vibes, like christ, john “im not a homosexual” egbert, him and rose’s competitive flirting gag (before they found out they were related >.>), just generally the three of them accusing each other of being gay, yknow, as kids do (jade is exempt from the argument we love jade here). Things were just more homophobic back then and its not like bro and dave had a sincere talk about gender and sexuality in the 13 or so years they lived in the same house like why would you even come out to your younger sibling if you could just not !!! Lol !!! I could be getting all this info wrong lol so correct me if im wrong but bro has this cute comic artstyle and it was about someones charge (? Sibling?) straight up dying and the saw guy makes an appearance the end , like there was no sex or gore or whatever but if you look at sbahj the second page literally has an incest sex joke like where does dave even get his material from , which online sites has he been trawling , well haha its not bros job to monitor his kids search history lets ignore it and move on if the kid wants to be gross and make dumb jokes who is he to judge , spread your problematic wings and soar into the cancel clouds little guy

Anyway heres a disclaimer: if youre gonna clown on this post and tell me im an abuse apologist or some shit just understand that i have a lot of free time and love being a huge asshole when provoked but like youre so welcome to add to the discussion i love bullying my favourite character bro strider by steamrolling him we’ve talked about trans rights for too long now is the time for trans wrongs

[daddynegandesires]

My little runaway pt. 3

(Summary: after returning back to the sacutuary negan leaves on one of his runs only to come back to an unexpected turn of events.)

⚠Warning: strong language, angst, physical fighting, smut⚠

Mature content

3 days later

Its been days since negan has been out on his run youve been helping out around the sanctuary cleaning and cooking for everyone. You have been letting people slide without using their points for food and other activities. The point system always seemed like a dumb idea to you never seemed fair to have people earn points just for things they desperately needed. Finishing up the dishes in the kitchen you heard everyone in the dining hall go silent. You walked around the corner to see everyone on their knees..negan must have arrived you kept yourself hidden in the kitchen knowing you havent been exactly following by his rules since he has been gone. Quietly finishing putting up the dishes you sneak outside around back moments before negan suddenly bursts outside.

"(Y/n)....where are you!!" Negan began pacing around looking for you when he turned the corner to see you leaning up against the wall

"You!..."

Negan charged up to you grabbing you by the throat slamming you against the wall.

"What is with you!?" You said clearly before getting all of the air stuck from entering into you

Negan began to drag you back inside infront of all saviors throwing you on the floor with a loud thump as your body hit the ground.

" i want everyone to see whos in charge here and its me!! Not her..me...im sorry you guys have to witness this the hard way....but you leave me no other choice..rules are rules!" negan gripped lucille tightly raising her above his head

You were sitting on the concrete floor still trying to comprehend everything that is going on and, in a sudden flash you were struck across the arm. A sharp shooting pain bursted throughout my whole body causing me to scream in agony. Blood was rushing down your arm you covered it with your hand feeling it seep between your fingers. You were now laying on the floor crying infront of everyone feeling humiliated while negan stood there with a nasty grin. He began to get ready to strike you again. The bat slashed across your arm again this time harder and more painful feeling of the barbwire sinking into your flesh ripping it off. You tried to protect your face with your hands before he could get another swing in. Blood now splattered all over negan your screams now filled the building of the sanctuary

"Negan stop!" Dwight stepped infront of negan blocking you

Negans eyes grew black as he realized what dwight was doing. He knew he was getting his fair share of punishment too for stepping up.

"She cant take it.....negan she is your bestfriend she is bleeding out you are going to kill her!" Dwight yelled

Realizing what he had just done negan dropped lucille to the ground everything began to feel like it was in slow-motion and, my head was pounding. Negan pushed Dwight out of the way and scooped you up dripping blood all over his white shirt he rushed you to the doctor they had there. Busting in through the door he placed you down on the operating table the last thing you seen was negan staring back at you before everything went black.

*Nightmare*

"Fuck me harder..." You could feel yourself slowly buckling under him.

With every thrust negan was grunting louder his cock filled you up perfectly. The wetness of your pussy making that sexy sound he loved so much. You had almost forgotten that you were fucking in his and lucilles bed...which made you feel like a peice of shit. Lucille was in the hospital dying from cancer and negan said this was a way to help him "cope". I thought otherwise....

"Fuck you are so tight.....your pussy feels so fucking good" negan moaned biting at your neck slamming into your pussy faster.

You began to drag your nails down his back causing him to grunt out in pain he then grabbed you by the throat squeezing untill you let out small moans. He began fucking you faster you couls feel his cock swelling up inside of you getting him closer to the edge of blowing his load. He took his free hand gently rubbing it over your clit. Your moaning grew louder and louder the faster his fingers went.

"Negan.....how could you!" A faint voice called out.....

*end of Nightmare*

You suddenly woke up in a sweaty panic to only realize you were hooked up to IV monitor's. You began to raise yourself up when a sharp pain beamed through your arm causing you to cry out in pain you looked around the room and spotted negan in the chair beside you slumped over fast asleep. Everything that happended slwoly started coming back to you negan humiliating you infront of everyone and, almost killing you with lucille.

"Your up..." Neagn said in a raspy tired tone

You couldn't bring yourself to say anything to him not after what he just did to you he could have killed you!. All you could do was stare at him you didnt even know who you were staring at anymore all you knew is that you had to get out of here nothing will ever change with him. Ever.

Negan rose up from his seat moving over to the bed sitting down by you he raised up his hand to caress your face which caused you to flinch. His face looked full of guilt and sadness he was struggling to keep eye contact with you. You pushed his hand off of you shooting him a dirty look.

"I need you to leave....now" you spoke through gritted teeth turning your face away from him.

"I dont want anything to do with you ever again!!..im done with you..now get out!" A fire grew inside of you, your voice full of rage there was no other choice but to distance yourself from this moster. Negans face twitched at the words that had just came out of your mouth he looked at you one last time before stading up to grab Lucille. It felt like there was a knot in your throat it was hard for you to do this but it had to end this way.

-------------

Its been weeks since me and negan have spoke let alone make eye contact with eachother. Ive been getting along with everyone nicely in the sanctuary even have been going on a few supply runs, not with negan course. My arm was almost fully healed but im left with an eye sore of a scar i have to deal with for the rest of my life. I cant forgive negan for what he did to me he went to far this time i can no longer put my trust in him. My night terrors have been increasingly bad lately i always end up tossing and turning all night. Dwight and i have actually been getting along with eachother and working as a team he has been keeping in touch with rick for me. Dwight isnt so fond of negan anymore either hes been sneaking around behind negans back giving information to Daryl.

I was in my room getting dressed when there was a sudden knock on my door it was dwight.

"Hey...how you doing?" He walked in leaving the door open behind him

"Im okay. Whats up?" I questioned, while sliding a knife into my belt loop

"Im not sure how to say this but we have to go on a run today wit-"

"Okay? Thats fine with me" i cut him off mid scentence while sliding on my leather jacket

"With negan..." He finished.

You took a deep breath in and ruffled your hair with your fingers annoyingly before letting your hands fall on your thighs causing it to make a slapping sound. Dwight stood there staring at the ground nervously waiting for you to respond.

"Okay then..." Letting out a deep sigh as much as you didnt want to be around negan you really didnt have any other choice right now. You and dwight left your room only to bump yourself into negan causing you both to grunt you just pushed right past him not saying anything making your way out to the truck ready to leave. Negan walks outside up to the truck you can hear him faintly whispering to someone. The door flings open and with one swift motion negan plops down in his seat slamming the door shut. You could feel negans eyes on you from the rearview mirror. Dwight hopped in the driver seat and drove off causing for an awkward silence untill we reached our destination.

"I gotcha.." Dwight said holding out his hand to help you out of the truck

All you could do was keep quiet and take the offer dwight was giving, negan as usual was standing there with a cocked smile ready at any moment to say some smartass bullshit. The three of us began to walk off when we came up on a pharmacy the windows were untouched, no broken glass all of the shelves look fully stocked Negan walked in tapping lucille on the counter giving warning to any walkers that could be inside. I followed behind him heading straight over to the medicine filling my bag up. All negan could do was walk around while watching me and dwight stock up on everything we needed.

"This place is a gold mine....untouched" negan said pacing back and forth

You were watching Negan gaze out of the front window of the building when we heard a yell come from the backroom we all quickly ran back there it was a man getting eaten by a walker, ripping his flesh off of his bones peice by peice.

"Put him out of his misery what are you waiting for!!?" You panicked yelling at negan

"Dwight ..." Negan said in a low tone

"You fucking coward!" You quickly pulled your gun out of your pocket pulling the trigger putting a bullet in the poor mans skull

"Wow....fiesty..." Negan said licking his bottom lip

"You fucking disgust me!...you are pathetic!!" You shoved your gun back into your pocket marching up to negan

"Dont excite me now darlin.." He let out a dirty grin slicking his hair back with his free hand

"Im so fucking tired of you...you act like you are the greatest man alive. You are a cheater! And a liar! Thats all you ever will be lucille would of never wanted this!" you screamed in his face before marching back to the truck. Negan and dwight came out to the truck shortly while gathering up the rest of the supplies. All you could do was sit with your arms crossed and a bitchy look on your face. Negan kept glacing at you out of the corner of his eye as if he had to keep watch over you.

When you arrived back at the sanctuary you rushed out of the truck storming off to your room slamming the door shut behind you. You were rumaging through the cabnets hoping to find a bottle of alcohol to calm yourself down with. The thoughts just kept floading through your head the night lucille died...you couldnt get negan cheating on her out of your mind you felt so guily so, disgusted with yourself...you were her bestfriend and you were fucking her husband. Grabbing ahold of the glass filled with dark brown alcohol you popped the lid off bringing it up to your lips. The smell of it almost stinging your nose, swallowing the alcohol it burned your throat a feeling you havent felt inawhile. Tears were streaming down your face as you slide down the wall behind you chugging down your drink. I just want to forget everything...

[lemonietrinket]

How Day6 would react to overhearing you admit your crush on him to one of the other members

AN: a request from anon. i feel ive treated this more seriously (and focused perhaps more on the confessions themselves, bc i interpreted ‘crush’ subconsciously as ‘having long-term-feelings for’) than you meant in your request but i hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

Sungjin

“hyuuun, i’m in love please make it stop.” “only way that’s going to happen is if you go tell him.” “...i hate you.”

sungjin... i picture is going to date to marry (or an equivalent if marriage is not for you, as though i get the vibe he’s quite traditional, for the right person he would be very easily convinced), so he takes crushes and confessions quite seriously

probably would feel bad for eavesdropping

then would feel happy that you felt the same way

but then more serious issue of now having to confess would take over

would spend a long time thinking of the best way to do it

would probably settle on a classic walk or cinema/theatre depending on what’s showing

would make damn sure he and you would be alone while confessing—so to save both parties from pressure and embarrassment should things go wrong 

also he’s quite a private guy and would want to let others know on his own and your terms

ngl probably wouldn’t admit he’d overheard you until like... a long time later

it would be under the initial reasoning that he would wait until you were stable so it wouldn’t have too big of an effect

but then he would forget

until it randomly came up in conversation 

like we may even be talking years here

maybe when you live in your own place, just the two of you, and you’re hanging out with him and younghyun who is just refusing to go home bc the food is too good at yours who brings it up 

“i don’t understand how it took so long for you two to get together, like even wonpil was starting to find yn’s pining sickening.”

and you would be salty, because “excuse me i hid my desperation very well!”

and sungjin would just immediately come to support you because he’s a loyal motherfucker and would begin, without thinking “she did, i didn’t know until i—”

that would be when he stops himself bc hes like oh shit i didn’t tell her and now two very curious sets of eyes are like staring at him and he’s 98% sure he can’t backtrack at all 

“when you what?”

and he would just sigh “when i overheard you telling younghyun that you liked me”

and there’d be a moment of silence, followed by laughter 

youngk would be confused, probably, having a surprisingly better recollection that you perhaps would “wait i remember that—how did it take you two months to work out what to do next?!”

and you end up just laughing harder, before noticing the the mix of emotions on sungjins face and reassure him “it doesn’t matter how long it took, we’re together now”

anyway overall sungjin is probably quite serious about it, but it will have a happy ending, you’ve just got to be patient lmao 

Jae

“dowoon, what do i do?” 

jae would be playful about it

after hearing you ask dowoon for advice since hes good friends with him he would be ecstatic, but would try and keep it lowkey

he’d hide out of sight of the doorway he’d passed by to have his little moment

and then he wouldn’t be able to stop smiling

his eyes would keep glancing to you for the rest of the day, even more than usual

but i think he would want to make things more official as soon as possible, as he doesn’t want to waste any time when he could do it sooner and be with you

and so he’d ask if you had a spare moment on the day or so, and take you some place quiet

not necessarily his room, more likely just outside the front door in the warm summer air

and ngl i think he would totally pull the “i think you know why i summoned you here today”

of course, yall have no idea, but you’re used to his occasional crackheadery—otherwise why would you crush on him so hard? “not a bit, but if its a trip to get snacks you don’t even have to ask, i’m in”

“well, that is a plan for later... depending on how this goes”

that’s the point where you would get confused and begin to wonder if something is up, but hel’l continue “i found out something really cool today yn.”

“really? was it the pin to brian’s credit card?”

he would laugh but shake his head, “nah even better” and that would give you the heads up that this was serious, and it would occur to you that he might have overheard something

but it becomes obvious when he follows with “a little bird... told me that someone, likes someone else, in our group. our friendship group.”

you briefly consider panicking, as the whole thing could still be construed as him not liking you back, but you put on a brave face and push through, “oh really? who?”

“that’s the problem, i don’t know, but i was wondering if you did.”

the chance was clear for anyone to see, and seeing the glimmer of hope, you seize it “well, i know someone who likes you... but i’m not sure if its mutual, so that might be why they haven’t said”

“if it’s who i think it is, then it definitely is... mutual” he would admit

and that would be the closest the two of you ever got to literally word-for-word confessing, because out of nerves neither of you would probably be able to admit it at the crux of the moment

however, like in all the movies idc if its cliche you would gravitate towards each other, and that would be the moment where you both recognised your feelings as well as shared your first kiss together

ok i’m going to stop before i combust 

anyway as for whether he’d admit he’d overheard you, he would probably be quite quick to the chase on that one too, probably right after the kiss and you’ve spoken about it a bit more, he’ll probably just say “i kind of accidentally overheard you telling dowoon, please don’t be mad at me”

but how could you be, you’d gotten what you wanted after all

in conclusion, jae is lighthearted about it and woudn’t waste any time

Younghyun

“wonpil did i tell you how much i love his eyes?” “hmmm... perhaps... but tell me again, to just to make sure.”

god bless wonpil his emotional support would be A+

right off the bat our youngk is a songwriter

he probably finds a lot of inspiration out of love

and so his feelings for you coalesce to create love songs that he may or may not use in the future

anyhow, it means that to cope with his feelings he’s probably half composed something small where he admits them 

with little intention of you probably ever hearing it at all

or at least, not without big chunks edited and names changed/cut

but when he overhears you rambling to wonpil who doesn’t mind the sappiness a characteristic you probably got off our brian anyway with his occasional borderline emo-ness

he’s grateful to his past-self for starting it, and realises that maybe its time to finish it

so it’ll take a week or so for him to finally confess

bc even though hes a bit of a flirt, i don’t see him wanting to tarnish love, since he owes it so much and its not fun to play with someone’s heart, especially not yours

so it might take him a little longer, and when he gets round to it, it’ll be perfect, just like you in his eyes

so prepare to be serenaded

yes, that sort of serenaded

in dim evening light, with the sun’s glow beginning to fade and make way for the stars, flickering like the candles laid out for you

again, that classical vibe won’t be missed on him

as for whether he’d tell you, probably only if you asked, but he would add that he’d been writing the song beforehand

he just may not admit to not planning on ever performing it

overall? when it comes to romantic flair, kang younghyun is king 

Wonpil

��sungjin, uh, do you know where wonpil is? i can’t—” “isn’t he at your hip?” “as much as i kind of wish he was, he kind of isn’t.”

wonpil, my lovely sweetheart

probably wouldn’t be able to stop himself from just

walking straight in when he accidentally overhears you to ask right there and then

like, you’re probably pestering talking to sungjin in the kitchen or another equally frequented place, so it was likely that someone was going to overhear anyway 

and maybe that was part of sungjins plan dont put it past him

but also it meant wonpil got further into the room the hunt for sustenance spurring him on, you know how it is before he caught onto what was being said, thus making it harder to back out

thus sungjin knew he’d overheard, but you with your back to the door were still clueless

and would’ve stayed that way had wonpil not continued and straight up asked or sungjin not said anything, which lets face it by this point he was really considering doing

he would be really excited about hearing that the feelings were mutual, and you were right there so what harm was really being done if he did just straight up waltz in?

as soon as you heard his small “you like me too?” you would whip around 

aaand that would be sungjin’s cue to leave

“do you mean that?”

“it only feels right when you’re by my side, pillie.”

the words you would exchange would be in a soft flurry of emotion tbh, out of disbelief but excitement for the future

most likely ending with you embracing, foreheads resting against one another’s

fluff hours only in the house of pil, ok?

Dowoon

“jae, do you think dowoon will be free tomorrow?” “yea why?” “i want to take him to the cat cafe—” “oh my god is it happening?! is it really happening? are you finally going to tell him? plan ILU is underway?” “keep it down!” “oh god everybody stay calm, stay fucking calm—!”

my bean

my lovely bean

would feel guilty over accidentally eavesdropping, and this would reflect in his shyness later

however, he decides to run with the silver lining of having the chance to be prepared for tomorrow

and so he would not say a word and try and act natural

especially when you ask him if he wants to go out somewhere with you the next day

he’s not sure how he did, he tried to hide his ears as best he could but he was also well aware you knew him too well

when the next morning rolls around, he’s up early, getting ready in nice clothes that he hopes aren’t suspiciously too nice

and then he waits, trying to calm is nerves, before realising that maybe ignorance is bliss

when the time comes and you make your way to the cafe, he finds it difficult to act surprised, but also to try and keep his breath steady

finally, near the end, after asking if he had a good time and wanted to come back, you confess you liked him and it’s as if a weight lifts off his shoulders

he would kiss your cheek soon after, without much warning, out of relief and joy and nerves and a whole lot of else

and you’d probably pull him in for a proper kiss by his collar as soon as you’re sure he’s ok with it

and then the fact he eavesdropped would be a secret that he would die with

~~~

Masterlist

[juni-ravenhall]

personal bad feelings dont read if sensitive

im doing really badly lately

i keep waiting for the new counsellor to call me (its been a month since she said she would call next week aka 3 weeks ago, and yes i have messaged the clinic and they said they would tell the counsellor, then nothing)

i feel like shit in my body (i have body dysmorphic disorder since i can remember and just hate my body and face immensely for being fat and ugly and dont want to live in this body and aside from that my body is also sick from being fat and unhealthy which makes me even less want to be in this body but i have zero energy to take care of it) (all my energy goes to not killing myself every day aka all my energy goes to try to cope with my mental illness and hopelessness about ever being able to live life) 

i feel really extremely sad and upset about everything about living this awful life and having no possibilities and chances due to my mental illness due to being abused for my whole life and nobody helping me and even when ive been trying to get professional help for YEARS i still havent gotten help and they keep lying and changing their mind instead of helping me and i wonder how many people just like me, kill themselves because of this healthcare system being their last chance to survive and then it doesnt help 

i cant trust anyone of my “”””””family””””””” or “”””””relatives”””””””””” (i renounce all of them they are not mine) and i dont have any other friends than my gf (who is in israel and we’ve never met irl but we voicecall every day and video call etc) and you guys on ssoblr and i cant trust any doctors or counsellors because they keep not helping or victimblaming me or just leaving me hanging as if i will be fine on my own when i tell them over and over that im suicidal and that ive been trying to get help for years because i dont know how much longer i can go on

im physically sick but im too scared to go to the doctor about anything whatsoever until im vaccinated because people are FUCKING USELESS DISGUSTING WORMS FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL ABOUT CORONA aka not isolating and not wearing masks and not social distancing and therefore im TERRIFIED of going to clinics and hospitals until im vaccinated so i just have to handle no matter how sick i am (while hoping to not die from it) until i can get vaccinated (the reason im esp scared of corona is bc im fat = higher risk of severe symptoms and death)

(“why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” because i try to not kill myself every day and im terrified of killing myself i just cant handle being alive and i dont know how much longer i can handle it, also if i was sick with corona and needed to be hospitalised (again due to being fat etc higher risk) there is no saying whether i would just feel that this is too much and i will just give up, and if you think “why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” in general youre uneducated so shut up)

i feel extremely sad and extremely bad and im sick and im scared and im really struggling to handle being alive right now and ive tried to get professional help for years but they dont help me, and i cant go to the emergency or anything when i feel extra bad because of corona (because of people being useless worms who refuse to take precautions) 

i really dont want to be awake beacuse every moment being awake i have to handle being alive when i feel like i cant, but when i sleep i always always always have nightmares for my whole life and either way i cant sleep when im not sleepy so it doesnt matter even if i chose the nightmares i dont have the ability to choose to sleep more than i already do

i keep thinking about starving myself (ive had eating disorders for large parts of my life) because of the dysmorphic disorder and suicidal feelings and every day i just think about staying in bed and not eating anything and just wilting away and at least i would be skinnier before i die

i tried to cook healthy food (which i did for years before) and i got so tired from cooking for 1 hour that i didnt have energy to eat anything when i was done cooking and just gave up and left everything on the stove and went back to lay down

i dont have any energy and no motivation and everything feels hopeless and i feel extremely sad and alone aside from my gf but she is far away and its a long time until we can be together

[unsteadyfiction]

“to be okay”

it came out of nowhere

it started at a stoplight

that song came on

and i thought about all the shit that happened when i used to play that song on repeat

pull up to the curb

“ill be inside in a second” i told him

turn up the volume

heart rate rapidly rises

choke on my breath 

scream in my head

no sound comes out

rest my head on the steering wheel

taste the salty tears on my lips

fumble around for something sharp

try the glovebox, the center console, my backpack, my purse

all i have is my keys

pull them out of the ignition 

scratch my forearms but they didn’t bleed

need something more

that’s when i found it

the bottle

hear the pills bounce against the plastic container

grab it and unscrew the lid

five

there were five in the bottle

not enough to do anything 

shit

not enough to do anything

should i tell someone?

i should tell someone

i told someone

over a fucking instagram dm

but i told someone

do i have a drink in here somewhere?

shit

i hate dry swallowing pills but here i am

one

two

three

cough

four

cough

five

cough

and then there was the knock on the window

they cared about me

they were worried about me

but it wasn’t going to stop me

coping skills?

fuck no

im gonna do it

im gonna kill myself

i can’t fucking do this anymore 

you held my hand

your hand was cold

or maybe mine was hot

but i let your fingers slip out of my grasp

look you in the eyes

remember that i am human

that i have something to live for

but it wasn’t going to stop me

tell you i am okay

and that i am going home

you told me to call you and keep myself on speaker as i drove home

“okay”

turn on the car

pull away from the curb

four way stop

turn right

gas station

“can minors by OTC drugs in missouri”

yes

okay

pay with cash

unbox the bottle

one

cough

two

cough

three

cough

“are you there?”

“yeah”

“how far are you from home?”

“im almost there”

“what street are you on?”

“cherry”

lie

liar

stop lying

pull out of the parking lot

turn right

now im actually on cherry

four way stop

home is straight ahead

if i keep going i can’t turn around to go home

turn right

parking lot

its empty

put the car in park

one

two

cough

three

cough

four

cough

swallowing pills with a dry mouth isn’t easy

“paige?”

“yeah”

“where are you?”

“in a parking lot”

“we called the police”

“what?”

sirens

i can hear them from here

shit

shit shit shit shit shit

i don’t have a choice

i have to go home

put the car in reverse 

turn left

four way stop again

turn right

this is it

i couldn’t do it

i couldn’t fucking do it

im never good enough

im not smart enough

or pretty enough

or normal enough

i need to go

i need to go away

i can’t fucking do it anymore

pull into the neighborhood

see the ambulance 

see the police

see him in the driveway

see them in the driveway

mom

shit

see mom in the driveway

she’s so disappointed

she’s angry

she’s not gonna talk to me for days

she doesn’t come talk to me

she can’t even look at me

she’s so disappointed

get out of the car

police

ambulance

EMTs

so much going on around me

but im numb

emotionally numb

emotionally exhausted

emotionally dying

physically alive

physically here

here in my driveway

here on a stretcher

here in an ambulance

watching my house fade away 

watching him fade away

wanting myself to fade away

not thinking about consequences 

oh shit

consequences

they’re gonna send me back to inpatient

i can’t go back

i can’t go back to inpatient

i can’t do it

i can’t do it

don’t make me go back

i can’t eat hospital food 

i can’t sleep with fluorescent lights on

i can’t write with a stub of a pencil

i can’t shower in that cold tile bathroom

i can’t 

i can’t do it

i can’t go back

don’t make me go back

now im at the ER

empty hospital room

nothing but a wooden bed and a chair

a tv, but no remote

no clock

no window

IV full of water

blood test

drug test

psych eval

EKG exam

never felt less human

take a nap

sit around and wait for doctors to come and go

dad prays for me

mom glares at me

all i want to do is see him

and hold his hand again

and hold him 

him

fuck

whats he thinking

he’s got to be worried out of his mind

who’s gonna help him if i can’t

i need my phone back

i need to call him

i need to tell him that im okay

i need him to be okay

to be okay

tears

screams

breaths

lies

to be okay

i get to go home

i get to go home?

holy shit

i get to go home

its a miracle

text him

hes not okay

to be okay

hes not 

he needs help

i couldn’t be there for him

shit

i couldnt be there for him

his parents are probably angry

and upset

and confused

me too

i just wanna go home

the drive home feels like forever 

get home

eat dinner

listen to the new rules and boundaries

fuck

i shouldn’t have done this

now i don’t get to drive or see my friends or sleep in my own bed

fuck

its my fault 

that’s what i get for being so fucking sad

to be okay

its all i want

but at the same time

i don’t want to leave this headspace

i feel comfortable here

this is what i know

i don’t want to be happy

this is who i am

i don’t want to be okay

to be okay

fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

cry

scream 

breathe 

cry more

scream more

breathe more

this isn’t me

im not me

this isn’t who i am

who am i 

who is in my body right now

its not me

im not me

im not okay

okay

emotional exhaustion

not okay

suicidal

really not okay

so fucking sad

im really not okay

to be okay 

will i ever be okay?

maybe 

maybe not

oh, to be okay

-p.h.

[captainsassmanes]

From the angst /fluff prompt list please write 43 for malex! I love everything your writing!!

They had stopped speaking.

At first, it had just been awkward silences and stilted conversation. Then it shifted into slight cruelty, both men working hard to push the other away when they weren’t forced together with talk of prisons and captives and military missions. The pushing had worked well.

Now, they didn’t speak.

Alex had been left reeling after the first man he’d tried dating, in public, in Roswell, turned out to not want more than a few weeks of affection before heading on his way. He used the only coping mechanisms he had, work and isolation, to make it through the regret and the crippling loneliness he felt.

Michael, on the other hand, had never truly coped at all. He dove head first into his relationship with Maria, giving her everything he possibly could and more. But she could see through the shit, seeing how disingenuous he was, and it all fell apart before Michael realized what was happening. Quickly, the drinking picked back up as well as the numerous women who’s names he could never seem to remember. He picked fights, always with men twice his size, and woke up more often than not in a cell.

Isobel had been beside herself when the old routine not only returned but returned with a flourish. But he couldn’t hear her; couldn’t hear her over the emptiness he carried everyday, the suffocating fear of being alone forever. Sleep had long ago left him and he spent days working on what little tech he had in his bunker, not getting out for days on end.

After a particularly long stretch of no communication from Michael, Isobel had enough. She drove over and flexed her telekinetic muscle, shifting the airstream off the hatch. 

Climbing down, she yelled into the space, “Michael! This is ridiculous now. You’ve got to get some fresh air.”

When her feet hit solid ground, she gasped at the sight of Michael sprawled on the floor, ashen and barely breathing. Instinctively, she placed her hand on his chest and pushed as much love and healing into his body as she could but it wasn’t her power to give.

With shaking hands, she pulled out her phone and called Valenti, thanking the universe for cell service in an underground steel trap.

Luckily he’d answered and, on his way over, talked Isobel through a basic assessment. He was breathing and had a pulse, but something was definitely wrong. She had done a quick search of the space, hoping to find water or food or even acetone, but she came up empty handed.

What seemed like hours later, Kyle appeared with a large bag over his shoulder and Alex stumbling down the ladder behind him. 

Isobel sat back, glaring at Alex but refusing to let go of Michael’s hand, while Kyle immediately got to work, starting an IV to get him fluids. 

Alex practically fell to the floor and Isobel became overwhelmed with the anxiety he was giving off. She pushed her own walls up as best she could to defend against Alex’s emotions but it didn’t do much good. Gently, Alex lifted Michael’s head and placed it in his lap, softly running his fingers through Michael’s hair. 

Isobel watched in fascination as a man she barely knew intuitively cared for her brother better than she had. He kept whispering, “you’re okay, Michael. You’re okay,” over and over, until Isobel was starting to believe it herself.

“What’s happening?” Isobel looked to Kyle for guidance.

“I’m pretty sure he’s dehydrated. Low blood sugar, too, I bet. When was the last time he got out of this place?”

Isobel shrugged, squeezing Michael’s hand tighter. “I saw him get tossed out of the Pony last week.”

She felt Alex tense beside her, his shoulders rigid and his hand stilling for just a moment among the curls. “Don’t you dare judge me, Manes.”

He looked at her incredulously, unsure if she was reading his mind or if his feelings were simply that obvious. 

“Don’t fight on my account, kids.” Michael groaned. He tried moving, but gave up when his muscles wouldn’t cooperate.

“Christ, Michael! What the hell happened!” Isobel’s anger was softened by the tears falling down her cheeks, a river of mascara leaving her exposed.

“I just worked too much and didn’t eat anything. I’m fine.”

Kyle scoffed. “I’ll agree on part one, but not part two. You need something to eat and drink and then a solid night’s sleep, Guerin.”

“You got any tamales on ya, doc?” He asked with a wink.

Isobel stood, brushing off her outfit. “Do you have acetone down here, Michael? I’ve got some in my car--”

“No acetone, Iz.” 

She shook her head and looked down at Michael. She couldn’t remember a time he looked so small and innocent. “It might help you feel better.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem, Iz. All the bad shit helps me feel better.”

Alex sighed and moved his free hand across Michael’s chest, letting it rest against his heart. “That’s why you were down here. You were detoxing?”

Isobel waited for confirmation, heart pounding in her chest. Michael was all she had left now and he did this major thing without her. What did that mean?

“It wasn’t intentional at first. I just-I just realized that every time I got frustrated with something or overwhelmed or thought about bad shit, I looked for booze or acetone.”

“First step and all that, right?”

“Oh shut up, Valenti.” Michael looked at Kyle with a smirk, no heat behind his words. 

Isobel sniffed and moved quietly toward the ladder, guilt threatening to tear her apart. 

“Iz?”

She cleared her throat. “Michael?”

“Thank you.”

She nodded, unable to find the right words for her sadness. 

“What are you doing here, Alex?”

Isobel paused with a foot on the first rung. She didn’t want to be nosy but she was curious as to what the answer would be as well.

“Isobel called Kyle and I was with him. I had to make sure you were okay.”

“Well,” Michael tried sitting up before collapsing back on Alex’s lap. “I”m obviously peachy.”

Alex laughed, an undignified snort that made Michael smile. Alex’s face turned somber quickly, though, and he mumbled, “you really scared me.”

Michael nodded, slowly moving his hand to cover Alex’s. “I scared me, too.”

Kyle cleared his throat and stood. “You’re all set for right now. Why don’t you rest here for a bit and Isobel and I will grab you some food and then help you get set up for the night?”

Alex and Michael shared a look, Michael tilting his chin to look into Alex’s eyes before agreeing. “Tamales, Valenti. I’ve got a craving now.”

As she moved closer toward daylight, she heard Michael joke through his nerves, “you still like me like this, Private? Filthy and stinking? Can’t get off the floor?”

Alex’s soft laugh bounced around the space and, surprisingly, she found it comforting, too. “You have no idea how much I want you right now.”

Together they laughed and Isobel smiled as the sound followed her out into the desert. 

She might not get their love, but now she gets that they’re in love.

[denki-kami-lightning]

Dabihawks writing shit

Hawks’ writing guide:

https://waxwingedhawks.tumblr.com/post/185881407778/guide-to-writing-hawks (Go follow @waxwingedhawks)

and a few things I want to add: 

1: As ive said before, Hawks’ food addiction is probably just his coping mechanism. Stress eating, yknow? I mean think about all the stress this poor boy is under. he has to find some way to deal with it, and it doesnt take a genius to see that way is food.

2: how long it takes for his wings to grow back. Just a convenient reminder. To quote the wiki, “When he uses all his feathers, it takes at least two days to grow back entirely, which can be a considerable weakness.”

3: Just how fast he can go; “By his own admission, Hawks' strong side isn't strength but his phenomenal speed. He was able to reach Endeavor's attackers from the top of a skyscraper, in the blink of an eye (0,5 s) which makes 375 - 400 km/h (233 - 248 m/h) and he did not even seem trying, which implies that he can go faster. Hawks solves most fights so rapidly that his sidekicks can't keep up with him so he usually just leaves the aftermaths of his battles to them, while he rushes to the next case.”

4: This handy little trick that I havent seen in many fics: “Vocal Espionage: Hawks is able to use one of his feathers to distinguish sounds from the minute it changes in the air, allowing him to decode conversations and vocal information from sensing the vibrations. Especially after leaving the room or increasing the distance, this technique makes him a dangerous spy.”

5: The fact that he’s actually a little baby “Hawks holds the record for the youngest Pro Hero, as well as the fastest for a Pro Hero to become one of the top 10 Pro Heroes on the Hero billboard chart Japan.”

6: The fact that his nickname is LITERALLY PRECIOUS MAN

7: He never attended U.A and some of yall forget this

8: He’s actually a very complex character, and he knows his death is coming, so dont forget to write that. https://linkspooky.tumblr.com/post/188365405175/when-the-cherry-blossoms-fall (Follow @linkspooky too)

9: My personal {Educated} headcanon; He can’t really handle too much loud noise, so he wears those headphones.

10: My other headcanon: Hawks is kinda adhd.

and theres no guide for Dabi yet, so ill make one for you:

1: Dabi is very aloof, casually confident and kinda emotionless at times. So you really have to write him like he doesn’t give a rats ass about anything... Except for Endeavor. Anytime Endeavor or any real mention of family is part of the situation, Dabi is always mad and unhinged (At least that’s what I’ve observed from the Manga).

2: Dabi is actually kinda useless:

 https://echodrops.tumblr.com/post/177149516011/is-dabi-just-terrible-at-being-a-villain (Go follow @echodrops)

3: You still have to remember that he’s a villain, and that he enjoys playing that role. In the wiki it says that “Despite his usual expressionless behavior, Dabi finds joy in establishing himself as a villain fighting against what he believes to be false heroes. He takes pleasure in taunting heroic figures, students, and Pro Heroes alike. He even takes sadistic pleasure from the pain he inflicts on others, including the people he's murdered.”

4: His intelligence level varies a lot. The wiki tends to portray him as some kind of manipulative genius, while his stats are pretty low. So I guess that’s up to you

5: He still shares Stain’s ideology, and probably looks up to his image as some kind of vague guideline. I’ve seen so many people forget this when writing fanfictions and it kills meee

6: Touya ‘died’ while he was in middle school, so he would’ve been about 13-15 years old. {Still a baby} Also, it’s been noted that this happened shortly after Rei was admitted to the mental hospital.

7: Dabi is slim and sickly. So maybe you should have other people take notice.

8: POINT OUT HIS FIGHTING POSTURE. I cant stress enough how much i love when people write this. he has the same fighting motions as Shoto, and you shouldnt be afraid to have other characters notice.

9: This is just a popular headcanon, but almost everyone seems to agree that Dabis hands are cold. {Got it from his mom obviously}

10: Dabi’s nerves are absolutely obliterated under his scars, so he cant feel anything. Pain or soft touches.

_______________________________________________________________________

Ok now that that’s out of the way, lets focus on the Dabihawks aspect of this;

1: Unless you’re skipping the getting together part of their relationship, you need to start with its roots, which to quote the wiki “It is unknown if Dabi sees through Hawks’ lies, but it's hinted that he's still observing him. Their relationship is mocking, dishonest and resembles a constant power struggle. As far as is known, Dabi is the only villain who may suspect Hawks of being a double-agent.” So dont forget that they didnt get along at first.

2: If Dabi finds out tha Hawks is a double agent, it can go a bunch of different ways. He can get mad and feel betrayed {Angsty, and also kinda overdone}, He can cut off contact without much warning {His feelings can be up to you}, He can be a bit surprised{Or not} and be ok with it {Haven’t seen this one done yet}, or my personal favorite He can just kinda be like obviously and just string him along, giving him false information {Imagine Hawks feeling betrayed by the man he was supposed to be betraying. Like the tables were switched the whole time or something. Ironic right?}

3: If youre writing smut, I think its been made pretty clear that Dabi has some kind of pain kink. {Sorry Hawks}

4: This ones kind of just a writing tip in general, but i like seeing other characters thrown in too. Not just the main ship, you know? I’m pretty sure it isn’t just me either.

5: The height difference isn’t that big. {Sad I know.} Hes only really about an inch taller than Hawks {Making him the shortest Todoroki son.}

6: If you’re writing smut Dabi would probably play with Hawks’ feathers i.e gently{Or not. Up to you} Biting them, licking them, or whispering into them.

7: Their names:

https://griffinmcelroyspisskink.tumblr.com/post/187357377193/with-dabi-it-almost-is-a-form-of-power-that-we                                                                  (Last one go follow @griffinmcelroyspisskink)

[sonnyboy7son]

Shawn Mendes Angst - Birthdays Suck (Less When You Have Shawn)

—

Shawn Mendes Imagines

Angst, hurt-comfort, fluff (you know me)

—

It’s that time of the year again. The so-called every so important: birthday. I have always hated this day. Well, not always. After my dad passed away just a few weeks before my birthday 2 years ago, I have been hating on my birthday. 

What even is a birthday. It’s the day when I was born - sure. But what’s so special about it? Why should I make it the happiest day of my life? I’m not special. I don’t even know why I was born. 

Unwillingly, I get up from my bed and head straight to the bathroom to clean myself up. Noticed how I didn’t reach for my phone first thing in the morning like we all do? That’s because I don’t want to be reminded of the day. 

Staring at myself in the mirror, I began to despise myself even more if that’s even possible. I quickly brushed my teeth, washed my face, took a speedy shower and head out the door to the cafe where I work. That’s right, I asked for a shift on my birthday. I even asked for an extra shift just so that I will be working from 7 AM to 11 PM. How am I going to survive this day? I’ll put it to God’s hands. 

My phone has been vibrating non-stop. It was my boyfriend of 8 months, Shawn. I know he’s worried - I have deleted all of my social media last night and deactivated most of my chat applications just so that people won’t be able to contact and congratulate me. I also haven’t been replying to his messages since last night. I just need to isolate myself on this day and Shawn is yet to be aware of this. Putting my phone on aeroplane mode, I began my hell-ish shift. 

None of my workmates congratulates me for my birthday because I told them before not to. I begged them, for Heaven’s sake. It was a relief that they didn’t ask a lot of questions. I know they wanted to, but they held themselves back and I am ever so thankful for that. Who would wanna listen to angsty cliché about a parent’s death anyway? 

Little did I realise, it was already 3 PM. My mates began the shift change, leaving me alone tending the floor for 10 minutes. My boss offered me to take a break, but I refused because being unoccupied means that I would just wallow in self-pity. 

Suddenly, table number 4 began singing the happy birthday song. It grabbed the attention of the whole cafe, including myself. The main character, a girl, probably around 16-18, long blonde hair, preppy fashion; your typical girl next door with a happy family. Her parents, sat at either side of her, clapping while singing. Her mom gave her a small kiss on the cheek. Her friends (or families) cheered and congratulated her. Beaming, she thanked everyone and kissed her parents’ cheeks. 

“I want that,” wait, what? What did I just say? Most importantly, did I say that out loud? 

Crap, OK. I can’t be here right now. 

“Boss, I’m heading out for lunch. See you in a bit,” I rushed out through the backdoor and took a pack of cigarette out from my back pocket. 

Yes, I smoke. Have been just a little after my dad passed away. It helps, OK. It really does help calm my nerves down and distract me from whatever pain I am feeling. Shawn does not know about this, of course. He would flip if he does. 

One puff, two puff. My mind began to wander. I didn’t even realise someone was towering over me until that person roughly ripped the cigarette away from my lips. 

“Jesus, fu-,” I looked up and found Shawn staring down at me with anger seething in his eyes. “Shawn...” 

“So, this is what you do after ignoring me and all of your friends?” his voice was low, menacing, almost. 

“I just need to be left alone for today, OK. Please understand that.”

“Couldn’t you explain that to me before disappearing into thin air? Do you really don’t trust me so much that you didn’t think I would leave you alone if you ask?” he spat at me. 

Well, that didn’t really cross my mind. He’s right, I could’ve just told him. Why didn’t I? Probably because this is how I’ve always been - disappearing into thin air when I couldn’t cope with my issues. 

I took a deep breath. I’m really too tired for this shit and I have no energy left in me to discuss anything with anyone. I haven’t even eaten anything today! 

“Sorry,” I said, more like whispered. 

“That’s it? No explanation, none whatsoever? Just ‘sorry’?!” he probed. 

“Look, Shawn, I...” and the world just faded to black 

-----

Beep

Beep

Beep

The heck? Where am I? I am laying on a bed. Something’s poking my arm. It smells strongly of a hospital. 

That’s because I am in the hospital. 

“Her blood sugar level was dangerously low and she was rather dehydrated. That is probably why she fainted,” I hear a man’s voice from just outside of the separator curtain. 

“Do you need to keep her here for a few days or something?” That’s Shawn’s voice. 

“We probably won’t need to. Once we’re done with the IV, I’ll prescribe some medicines and she’ll be good to go. Just make sure that she’ll be taking it easy for the next few days and get her plenty of food and fluids,” the man, probably the doctor, spoke again. 

There was a small pause before Shawn thanked the doctor. The curtain opened and in came the both of them. 

“Well, hello there. How are we feeling?” The doctor asked me in an annoyingly upbeat tone of voice. 

“Nothing, I feel nothing.” 

“Once you are done with the IV, hopefully, you’ll feel much better,” he smiled as he checked the IV bag. He then excused himself, leaving me and Shawn in very uncomfortable silence. Shawn walked to the side of my bed and stood towering over me, looking at me with sadness in his eyes. He then slowly grabbed my hand that was free from the IV and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. 

“Shawn I’m really sorry,” I began. 

“It’s OK. Cara explained everything to me,” he pushed my hair away from my face and planted a long kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes and relished the feeling of comfort and safety that he gave me. He tore his face away from mine and kissed the back of my hand. “I didn’t know how you feel about birthdays and I was taken back by what you did. Would be nice if you at least gave me a heads up beforehand, you know,” he chuckled. I chuckled along with him. 

“Yes, I’m really sorry. It was very selfish of me,” I repented. 

“Don’t apologise. I know it must have been very hard for you as well. But, can I at least try to change how you feel about your birthday?” he asked with a smile on his face. 

“And how would you do that?”

He chuckled once more. “Finish that IV bag and we’ll see,” he winked at me. 

I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me. 

[chanbangblog]

ive only felt religion when ive lied with you- 1

A/N: (smut, Chan x reader, Canon compliant, fan/idol)

The sun peeped in at you through the small slit in the curtains. Your eyes fluttered open and then closed again. You laid there in a beautiful mix of sleep and awake when suddenly you realized you were late for work. You sat up and became perplexed at your surroundings, this was definitely not your room.

Wait, where am I… you started to wonder.

You looked over to see Robyn lying next to you, still asleep looking quite peaceful and hugging her Chimmy plushie. Then you realized you weren’t at home, and this wasn’t just any day, this was the day you were going to meet Stray Kids.

Your heart began to speed up at your sudden realization. You looked around the room and empty cans of hard cider littered the bedside table. Last night’s pad Thai was sitting on the dresser, probably harboring god knows how many bacteria after sitting out at room temperature all night. You felt a tinge of nausea at the thought of it, or any food for that matter.

Oh god. Am I going to be able to eat today? I have to eat, I’ll never be able to stand in line and make it through the concert if I don’t eat. Let alone have the strength to survive MEETING THEM at hi-touch.

You pushed your hair behind your ears, closed your eyes and focused on your breathing.

Not today, anxiety. It’s too early for this bullshit.

Your therapist had taught you to talk to your anxiety like it was a person. Speaking of him, God bless that man for listening to you over the past several months preparing for this day. You had drilled him for an endless amount of coping mechanisms in order make sure that you, quite literally, didn’t faint when you met the nine boys who seemingly occupied your every thought.

You rolled out of bed as cautiously as you could, so you didn’t wake Robyn. You walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Your hair was stuck to the side of your head and you had sleep still in the corners of your eyes. You decided to take a shower and think about what to have for breakfast.

The hot water beat into your skin and steam began to fill the bathroom. You inhaled deeply. Trying to focus on the present and not psych yourself out about the night ahead.

You’re just giving them a high five. Hundreds of fans will get to do the same. They definitely won’t remember you, you’ll blend in with the millions of other girls who are desperately in love with them.

 This thought calms you for a moment. Being rational in situations of stress wasn’t particularly your strong suit, so you were happy with this little victory.

When you got out of the shower you checked your phone. You had several notifications from Instagram from realstraykids. Hyunjin was posting selfies and talking about being excited for the concert tonight. Swiping through the pictures he took with other members, Chris got your attention. His hair was a golden blonde and was starting to grow so long, it looked like a borderline mullet with the way it was styled.

“Chris with a mullet steals my soul!!!!” you commented on the picture and then put your phone away.

You walked back into the room and Robyn was awake. You took one look at her and burst into the most high pitched squeal you could manage.

Well. Being calm was nice while it lasted.

“Good god, y/n. Are you gonna be like this all day?” Robyn asked, already looking done with your shit.

 Robyn didn’t originally stan Stray Kids. You introduced them to her after you got the tickets. You had been to kpop concerts with her in the past so she seemed like the obvious choice to go with you. You had invited Robyn over a couple months ago and had a “hard intro to Stray Kids” Youtube watching session. Which had included videos like “stray kids on crack” and “a super shitty and unhelpful guide to stray kids.” She eventually chose two biases, Minho and Jisung. When she had told you later that night you were overjoyed because you had predicted who she would bias.

“NO WAY!!!!” you had screeched, “I texted my friend earlier and predicted you would bias them! Just so I could show you when I was right!”

What could you say, you love Robyn, but she has a certain type that always wrecks her. Pretty baby faces and strong vocals. You couldn’t blame her though, they were both an excellent choice.

You snapped back to the present.

“Uh no. I’m calm, I just, uh… yeah I’m gonna be like this all day.” You confessed.

Thank God I have a friend brave enough to put up with me.

The morning went by faster than you thought it would. You all ordered breakfast and spent the morning watching Jinyoung’s new kdrama. You wanted to get to the venue early-ish because even though you had good tickets, you were still GA and didn’t want to be shoved completely to the back of your section.

 You had spent months picking the perfect outfit that you would feel confident in to meet them. It was May so you weren’t sure about the weather, but you decided to bank on it being hot outside. You chose a sleeveless shirt that was metallic gold, with a bow that tied around the front and buttoned down. You had also chosen a skort set that looked like a black mini-skirt but actually had shorts underneath and low-top combat boots to complete the look. You curled your hair and tried to give it as much volume as possible. Not that it would matter, you knew it would be matted to your head with sweat by the end of the concert. But hey, you gotta look good for the pics for the ‘gram, right?

 You arrived at the venue and was baking outside under the morning sun, it was sweltering, you didn’t expect this for May. Your skin was baking under the late spring sun. You definitely had a sunburn and had only been in line for an hour.

Why on Earth did I wear a tank top...I’m not gonna be able to raise my arm to high five them without the smell knocking them down!

Suddenly an image of Jeongin falling backward at the smell of your body odor made you laugh out loud. You could see the headlines now, “kpop fangirl’s body odor causes singer to faint.” I mean, it would be hilarious, mortifying, but hilarious.

The concert was a blur, as always. You sang along to all the words you knew and your voice felt hoarse towards the end. You couldn’t believe how close you were to them. The venue was much smaller than you had anticipated. The light was shining off of them and their sweat made them glisten. You were so close you could see their muscles rippling under their denim when they danced.

Felix began talking to the fans about how much he loves us and wants to keep performing well for us. Felix and Changbin are my biases so I was completely engulfed in his cute Aussie accent being spoken 40 feet from me. It was almost too much. The members were fanned out across the stage while he talked and Chris drifted over to the side I was on. The girls and boys around me went wild trying to speak to him but he probably couldn’t hear them.

Rude. My baby Felix is having a moment and y’all are acting like idiots trying to talk over him.

Robyn elbowed me hard in the rib.

“Y/n,” she breathed, “Chris is staring in our direction.”

 You looked over and locked eyes with him. You froze. You always thought you knew what you would do if you came face to face with one of your idols. But you were wrong. You didn’t feel the way you had predicted at all. You thought your knees would buckle. You thought you would scream or perhaps cry. But you didn’t. You couldn’t describe the feeling that came over you under his gaze. You couldn’t describe it other than feeling totally confident and empowered for the first time in a long time. You realized you needed to react before he looked away so you winked and attempted to look sexy. Then he raised an eyebrow at you, kept your gaze and went back to get in line for the next song.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT! WHY DID I WINK? WHO DOES THAT OH MY GOD.

You were going though it inside and Robyn could tell.

“Um, what was that?? Girl, you just had an interaction with him!” Robyn whispered in your ear.

 You looked around and none of the concert-goers around you seemed to notice. No one was looking at you. You began to wonder if you imagined it. Your cheeks were burning a fiery red and your stomach felt like it was being assaulted with a swarm of butterflies.

How am I going to face him at hi-touch after that?? God y/n you were supposed to try to blend in.

You told your inner voice to fuck off, just like your therapist had taught you. But the rest of the concert, you couldn’t keep your eyes off Chris.

   You were standing in line for hi-touch and your knees were buckling. You felt like your entire body was on edge and your insides were being electrocuted.

“You’re going to pass out if you keep holding your breath, y/n.” Robyn quietly reminded you. You suddenly realized you had been holding your breath.

“How did I get here? Maybe we should just run.”  You said in a panicked voice.

Robyn looked you up and down like you had just spoken another language.

“Y/n, we’re not being marched to our deaths, we’re meeting this band that you have been obsessing over for months! Get it together! Breathe!” Robyn said while starting to shake you.

She’s right. What the hell is wrong with you. You paid so much money for these tickets and your bank account is still recovering. You’re doing this.

The line was starting to move faster than you would like. You got closer and closer to where you knew the boys were standing. You saw them in the distance and suddenly realized how tall they were in real life. You should’ve anticipated this since you already knew you were shorter than the shortest member.

They’re just people. They’re just boys. You talk to boys all the time.

You started to calm down. Until you locked eyes with Chris in the distance.

What was it about his gaze that made you take on a totally different attitude and mindset? Five seconds earlier you were contemplating running again. Now it felt like all of Earth’s gravity was holding you here in this one spot, like this was the only place you were ever supposed to be at this moment in time. You felt confident under his gaze, you felt bold.

You’re still not sure what possessed you, but you broke the gaze to start searching through your purse. You found a receipt and quickly ripped a small piece of the end. The line was moving and you were forced to walk while ransacking your purse. You finally found a pen. You tried to be as nonchalant as you could so you didn’t attract attention from other fans.

As sneakily as you could, you quickly scribbled: Kakao y/n0325.

Good god, why did I put their debut date in my name on there…I’m such a psycho. That’s so embarrassing.

But you didn’t have time to ponder on that because it was almost your turn. You didn’t have a plan. You didn’t know how you were going to get this to him without being noticed, but you did know that it felt right and you wanted to do it. Chris was the last member in the lineup.

 Woojin was first. You had already planned out what you were going to say to each of them. You got up to him and his chocolate brown hair was gleaming in the fluorescence. Your hands met and you felt your mind go blank, he was smiling at you as you grappled with your words in your head.

“YOUR VOICE IS LIKE HONEY,” you blurted out, half-yelling at the poor man.

He just laughed and said thank you as you moved on.

Minho was looking at you smiling with his hand up. You didn’t struggle as long with finding words this time.

“I’m so proud of you, I love you to death,” You said as you passed by.

He laughed and said thank you in the cutest accent you’ve ever heard.

Changbin was next. Your bias, which made your thoughts become even more erratic than they had been before. You just started smiling uncontrollably and said “Hiiiiii, I love you Changbinnie” and he looked back at you fondly and said he loved you too.

You were face to face with Hyunjin before you realized it and my, was he good looking, it was like an angel was literally standing in front of you.

“You’re even cuter in person,” you said as fast as you could while touching hands with him. He just laughed and nodded in response.

You couldn’t think of anything else, your mind was at overload when you met Felix, Jisung, Jeongin and Seungmin. So you just told them you loved them as fast and as many times as you could.

When you got to Chris, you finally looked up at him and felt a shiver rip through your core. Your heart felt like it had dropped into your stomach. You felt like you were in an elevator that was falling down with reckless abandon. You raised your right hand up to give him a high five. Your hand was empty. But at the last second you switched and raised your left hand up as quickly as you could and the piece of paper was between your hands. You moved your hand slightly so he could feel it and finally spoke.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, but this just isn’t long enough.” You said with all the confidence you could muster.

His eyes sparked as he realized what you were doing. He moved his hand and quickly closed it and put it in his pocket.

“Oh yes, I agree,” he said, very coolly with that unmistakable smile that he always shows the world. The smile that you had become so fond of over the last several months. The smile that gave fans hope all around the world and now, at this moment, he was smiling because of you.

  For the second time that night, Robyn looked at you in disbelief as you rounded the corner in the hall way exiting the venue.

“Y/n, you’re the smoothest human alive,” she said with a shocked expression on her face.

You suddenly busted into cackling laughter. It overwhelmed you and wracked your body. Bubbling up from your core. You couldn’t control it. You’re sure you were unnerving everyone near you with your maniacal laughter. Everyone knows, nothing comes good after maniacal laughter. You laughed until your abdominal muscles ached, and tears were spilling down your cheeks.

“That was the best time of my life,” you said in between bouts of laughter.

Robyn started laughing too and you two called a cab to head back to your hotel.

 You tried not to dwell on your interaction with Chris. He had been nice and a bit flirty, but he was like that with all Stays. You had watched countless youtube compilations of your idols flirting with fans. It was normal. It was nothing special. That’s what you told yourself when you arrived back in your hotel room and your heart was still fluttering in your chest, refusing to return to its normal pace.

Hey, I’m going at my own pace, Chris would at least be proud of that.

You suddenly started laughing again at your own thoughts and told Robyn you were getting in the shower. She was probably very thankful for this, after the events of the day and the copious amounts of sweat you had shed. You turned on your slow kpop playlist and once again let the steam fill up the room while the water beat down on you. You put your head up against the tile wall of the shower and let the water envelop you.

 I had an interaction with Chris. Fans have interactions with their idols all the time at concerts. He was very charismatic, you already knew that. Stop overthinking it and just be happy you made these memories with them, y/n.

Your heart rate began to slow and you focused on the water and the steady hum the shower made. Tomorrow you and Robyn were going into the city and it was going to be a good day. You were going to have a good day with your friend and recount concert memories. Life was good.

You stepped out of the shower and grabbed your phone to turn off the playlist. Butterfly by BTS was playing and you were about to sing along for a few words when you checked your notifications.

You had a few comments on your Instagram posts but your eyes glazed over when you saw what was next.

A notification from Kakao, a notification from none other than Christopher Bang himself.

[chaotic-adhd-babe]

Heyo Lovely followers/ anyone reading this

Ive recently realized that I havent really told you guys much about myself (or anything at all- I havent even done an intro post) so here ya go if anyone wants to know

About me

I'm maddy! (She/ her/ hers)

Im in my early 20s

I have ADHD PI, diagnosed when I was 17.

I am chaotic all the way on the character alignment chart, But also my life is just chaotic.

I made this blog specifically to:

Connect with other ADHDers and find community through that

Learn about my ADHD as I recover and get my life sorted out from the hellish hot disaster-mess it was before, One day at a time

I'm applying to nursing school right now (ADHD in nursing school= God Help me😬)

Currently my adhd ass is unmedicated (pray for me) but hopefully I will be on meds before nursing school, and in the meantime Im reading You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! (great book so far- I highly reccommend it to other ADHDers esp those newly diagnosed-its here) and Im collecting positive adaptive coping mechanisms and strategies like a damn packrat.

Here are some fun facts about my life:

I want to be a nurse

I need to go to nursing school to be a nurse

I'm scared shitless of going to nursing school more than anything else, except for maybe like losing my mom or something like that

Im trying to get accepted to nursing school anyways so I can be a nurse but doing that is... uuugh shitty and frustrating and it really Executives all of my Dysfunctions

Also lately I've been struggling with some god-awful anxiety, although I have no known disorders connected to this. I'm a beginner in dealing with anxiety (I see now that Ive had it for years But honestly this is the 1st time Ive identified it as that or started trying to manage it) and I'm seeing that there's a big learning curve with it. Even though it scares the hell out of me, Im not giving up!

When I was diagnosed and for a like a full 4 years afterward, I didnt know shit about ADHD. I got diagnosed and legit just decided to push that out of my mind for 4 years, I think because I wasnt ready yet to deal with all the shit that came with accepting that I'd been living with this damn disordered brain for my whole life without ever knowing about it. But recently Ive decided to start educating myself about ADHD. Since that time I have learned so damn much its amazing,

And now Im hyperfixating on it (Im not even sorry Lol), so if you have a question please ask! You're always welcome to drop asks here But I'm not a mental health professional and I have no psych degrees- I'm just a struggling, very frustrated, discouraged but still trying like hell everyday, simple ADHD bitch hoping for some better days ahead.

I am 1000% sure there are countless ppl on here who know way more about ADHD/ neurodivergence in general than I do, but I'll do my best. Now Im kinda thinking that my interest in ADHD might actually stick around for good too so that'd be cool

Im one of those ADHDers who's also introverted as hell and I consider my alone time to be on the same level as food and water. (at least regarding mental health)

Also I post about mental health and neurodivergence.

I realize that my ADHD has caused so, so many problems. My ADHD has completely wrecked havoc and caused all hell to break loose in all areas of my life. It's also made me feel miserable, and left me feeling like I am always, always constantly floundering and struggling to find stable ground. To be honest I am so so fucking frustrated and discouraged and ashamed and angry and insecure about the state my life is in right now, sometimes I dont know how I'm gonna get through the day without breaking down. I am so so damn sick and tired of living like this everyday.

But I want to get better more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I dont want to live like this anymore. No one should have to live like that. I'm still trying like holy hell everyday, and goddamnit Im gonna figure this shit out if it kills me. Watch me die trying if you'd like!

Im looking for interaction with other ADHDers and I made this blog so I could find community with people who have brains like mine and who struggle with things similar to what I struggle with, so really you are more than welcome to reach out to me.

Thank you for reading this post/ stopping by/ following me :) I hope you have a good day/night! Please try to go easy on yourself if you can.