#like people who are very self involved to a fault and don’t really mind or care about others

[alluralater]

something about watching a bad kiss take place makes me want to fucking scream. like what is going ON??

[zzencat]

Their Sexual Tendencies + Traits? (NSFW) - Timeless ⏳

Simply choose from left to right.

(Minors DNI) Nice and simple. What would happen if you got involved? Their tendencies in bed? Intimate behavior? Maybe it’s the one you’ve been ignoring. How about the one you’re with? A future partner? What goes on in their head at night when you’re all they can think about? And if more unfolds? Very TMI. Includes sexual, graphic descriptions and toxic traits.

Must do before you choose: Clear your mind. Time is now patient and still. Close your eyes, inhale deeply, fill your chest up to the fullest, feel the soft air brush up against the ridges of your nose. Breathe out. You may now begin.

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Pile 1. “I was a bad girl. I did some bad things.” - Jojo Siwa (lmfaooo)

•right of the bat, “karma” from Jojo siwa played

•I get brat vibes from this pile…are you a brat? lmfao cuz your person’s gonna like that for sure

•or maybe you try to hard to be a brat or appear/act like one? Your person loves it regardless

•this person loves dominating, but they can get just as enthusiastic as a sub. The instant switch and role change is actually pretty impressive, since they do it effortlessly

• I get the vibe they do or will do most of the topping work tho. They can have their lazy days, sure, but they like moving

•dare I say this person is the kinkiest out of the three piles

•^^ we’re talking bondage, role play, slapping(? Damn), everything and all over the above—receiving or giving, they can do it all. Fast raw sex and quickies are hot to them esp

• if you’re poly, this person is okay with that. If you’re not, they’re also okay. they just wanna have sex, end of story 🧌

• is down to literally do it anywhere and everywhere

• if this relationship started off as some kind of fwb or anything with benefits, I wouldn’t be surprised

• if you guys are both in a committed relationship, make sure you try to match their energy in bringing new things to the bedroom

• these people are shower masturbators—the sex drive is actually crazy like- slow your horse for just a second damn

•^^ they don’t even have time to masturbate if you’re with each other all the time. I got the image of a couple going on a trip and they’re in a hotel…yk what comes next. If you live together, cue some jungkook music. There’s no makin it out

• if you’re not together due to long distance stuff, a lot of cam/phone sex. It happens so much that you think they’re jobless (and they could be tbh. Tell em to get a job!!!)

• this person gives me the vibe that they’re not really in an occupation that demands much. It feels like a very lax, low demand and energy job OR they’re a model for something and they make money through content like that

• this person is reallllly good looking tho. It’s how they can get away with a lot of things

• their maturity level is kinda questionable I wont lie…I think you need to teach them some boundaries

• they could take a while to see their faults? Maybe they don’t wanna see or they’re too oooh la la in the sky

• can come off as quite careless. Can even be clingy

• also very prone to peer pressure or self-sabotaging behavior

•avoids conflict like the plague

• open to all body types as long as your face is cute. I think they likely prefer people who don’t look like they’re freaks in the sheets ykwim? The duality is prob what gets em going. But then again, I think anything gets them going. This person is a true horndog of nature

• (I, personally, as Teddy, the reader, feel like I should include why they’re like this—craving physical intimacy so much, but there’s this brushing off/dismissive energy like “forget it they don’t need to know- let’s just have fun and shiii”)

•^^ (if I rephrase what I wanted to include, it might be better. They prob grew up with a lot of siblings/other kids, and not enough love to go around, so they were overlooked, OR no-to-low amount of siblings but not enough physical and emotional intimacy and connection from parents/guardians, so they looked towards external sources.)

• doesn’t have too many expectations tbh (idk if that’s a bad or a good thing, but the root of it is that they don’t wanna pressure people to stay with them or force people into commitment)

• ^^if they fall in love with you and yall date, and you leave one day, it’ll hurt so much that they’ll revert back to the thinking of why commitment didn’t always work for them

•childhood couldn’t show them what true commitment was so if you actually express that you want to be with them exclusively, they’ll be so shocked, to say the least. Like “me? Why me? I’m not anything special, lmfao” . They’re laughing it off and will feel nervous so they’ll cover it up by drinking smth (water or anything), but they’re so used to the sentiment of being “nothing special” that they’re numb to it

• ^^ but if they end up falling in love with you (beware of their nonstop horse sex drive), they’ll be a lot more reserved and laid back than before

• they’ll prob be lazier tho ngl. They’ll take days off work just to have sex with you all day

• they make up for this uselessness feeling through sexual activities

• they think like “why touch yourself alone when I’m right here?”

• when they do masturbate tho, they think about you and your body shifting back and forth against the bed. They’re pretty quick tho when it comes to masturbation—I’m guessing bc of impatience and not being able to hold back. They only last long when it comes to sex with a partner

• the body worship is real nice

• most of the sexual activities have one thing in common though, and that’s the closeness of both of your skins. This person kisses your skin so much during sex, and really anytime, feel you up whenever they can. The touchiness is all the time and it’s sweet, but it can always lead to something else

• in this pile, lies a very rare breed. a handful, and really not a lot, will encounter the rare breed partner that also has this high of a sex drive, is confident, has a regular day job, prob tall and slim, is responsible and committed only to you, and will be on board 100% if you ever want to engage in exhibitionist/voyeur activities—extreme (like streaming your intimate moments or camming together)

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Pile 2. *Growling noises.*

• the thing is…you’re just existing 😭

• you don’t do much to piss this person off (most of the time). Some light jokes and messing around here and there but you’re pretty much chillin. (ESPECIALLY when you’re not dating, this bullet point and the previous be the vibe.)

• this person wants you like a predator wants prey, basically. It feels weird to say it ngl, but it’s a very obviously fire energy? Like Leo smth…or a very capable and sadistic Scorpio? They have this dark and mysterious look. Very intimidating, but you prob don’t give this person your time of day—either you don’t care, think it’s weird, or maybe you’re just playing a little hard to get

•^^whatever this person thinks you’re doing, purposely or not, they find it intriguing and you have to be theirs

• this person tho? pile 1 has nothing on this person. My bad, not person—beast.

• very dominant person and very much shows it if you’re exclusively dating each other or in a higher relationship

• they could use some work on their control issues tho. IMPORTANT!!!: this person would NEVER put their hands on you to hurt you out of anger or violent means. No abuse in their household, no, no. (In bed, it’s different but only if you consent)

•^^ regarding the control issues, make sure they’re not obsessed with you bc you’re hard to control. At your highest energy, this pile has a very independent, do-what-I-want energy. You don’t give two shits abt what others think- you dress, look, and act the way you want. You stand up to them when no one has the balls to do it

• very much BDSM. It could get a little tiring—not the person!! The person has hella games and tricks up their sleeve when it comes to bdsm and freaky shit. Tiring in the sense that it just stays in the BDSM realm like dude…break out of it cmon. It’s time to experiment with different menus, not recipes.

• commander type. also choking. this person likes choking. Choking you AND being choked, but they wouldn’t bring up the latter if you never mention it.

• has a LOT of self control…until they don’t. But I think this person loses it very easily bc of their partner—like you needa be punished asap type feel.

• getting off is normal for them, but when they have a partner, most of the time they save it until sex. but if not and you’re not around, they’re gonna go at it, thinking how you should be there, imagining how good you look with your mouth on their parts while you look up at them, praising you about how good you’re doing.

• this person isn’t really simple with masturbation either. If they simply lay down and or sit on their bed and touch themselves, it wouldn’t be as satisfying so they have to go again, preferably touching themselves in a different place—depends on what mood they’re in, they’ll choose a risky, likely-to-get-caught kinda place or a place outside their room, but private.

• wow, verrrry possessive person. Marking you up 😫 In the morning, if you need to go somewhere, they’ll be like “Don’t try to cover it up.”

• This person could be some sort of player? Regardless of who they are, they just have a lot of pent up energy they need to get out of. They def have experience

•honestly, pile 2, this person can get really damn intense. If you can’t handle their heat, it’s okay to get outta the kitchen cuz they’re the ones turning it up and have also broken the ac 😭 the sex is crazy good, but it will take this person a bit of time to actually fall in love with you. Cuz you’re so different from everyone they’ve seen so they’re unsure…weirded out…interested.

• if you somehow get in bed with this person, you’re in for a ride (literally.) after this experience, this person will deadass replay it everywhere, every day, all the time. It becomes an obsession with them (which may or may not be a good thing for you.)

• this person is going to be in your life for a whiiiiile. You might even roll your eyes and be like “whyyy”

• this is the most obvious enemies to lovers trope pile, but it starts smth like that OR you just get annoyed that everyone wants this person and to you, they’re just hot and nothing much.

• it gets wilder— this person WILL try to make you jealous. Shamelessly. (Ick)

• they’d like to receive some mouth-work from you if ya get my vibe. (Which is unfair bc they’re kinda selfish when it comes to receiving pleasure.) if they give it, they give it THEIR way

• ^ you have to put them in their place and show them you’re not someone to be fucked with. The worst thing you could do is leave their life entirely. Even pissing you off gives them something.

• if you’re sick of their shit, they might even let you have a chance of taking it out on them and having your way for once (BUT just so you know, if you do, they’ll take it as you surrendering to them. Like you finally have a weakness or manipulation point.)

• HOWEVER, this person, although very fucking stubborn, is willing to make any and all changes for you. IT WILL TAKE TIME. And only if you’re in love with each other. Maybe they were trying to find someone that was worth their time and more than just looks.

• I will say tho, if you get into an actual committed relationship with this person, the upbringing of this relationship looks pretty toxic. Like the crazy need for control and the unwarranted possessiveness (on their side), especially at points when you’re not dating each other. If you don’t set their shit straight, you’ll fall into the trap and could get a broken heart out of it

• ^^ on the bright side, this encounter/relationship with them will bring you so much personal growth. If you make it out of this relationship in one piece, you’re actually indestructible. And if they’re really willing to change—I suggest noting down their BIG, grandiose sacrifices for you that puts them at some risk—then there’s also a big chance you could have a harmonious and balanced connection

• ^^ why? Bc they know that you’re not superficial and you have substance to you, and they want that. Be wary tho, this person isn’t stupid and knows what strings to pull

• this person could have a tan tint to their skin or brown hair

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Pile 3. “Please let me in...”

• this pile’s energy seems a little closed off. not from your person but from you. I’m feeling indifference, constant wariness, but regardless, there’s always a wall

• you’re prob an introvert and has gotten hurt in the past really, REALLY badly, so you’ve been closing your heart off. There’s a piece of you that still wants to find love, hence your presence here, but you act like you don’t or you don’t show that you are interested in wanting it.

• if you’re an extrovert, however? You may not be TOO keen on sharing things about your life. Open to it, sure…but still somewhat selective

• you would sacrifice everything for the person you love, not that you would willingly admit this verbally. If you have, good for you!! You’re the muse baby

• your person is more likely an extrovert and has tried or IS planning to try to get closer to you/get to know you more. They KNOW you are more than what you show on the surface. They’re the only ones who can see the gems behind the rockiness you show

• they’re a virgin or inexperienced

•^^ I don’t think most of the people who chose this pile mind too much, honestly. There’s a bit of a corruption kink rearing its head in here…not super apparent but it be lurkin in da shadows

• oh they’re a switch hahaha. You can just push em on the bed and they’ll let you do whatever you want to them. They’re not complaining at all tho—just lock in on your target and DESTROYYYY 😈😈

• almost a puppy like energy to them—ALMOST. Almost. Bc they have leader vibes but a nice leader. Maybe not respectable by all…but most. Like one who seeks the best for the team but bc they’re not “alpha” or aggressive enough, it can be tough to get people to take things seriously. But eventually people do. Maybe even out of pity.

• I get the feeling this person had to be very in tune with their parents’/guardians’ feelings (I’m getting anxiety or just freaking out over messes and stuff) — maybe they’ve also grown with grandparents? Or have had the presence of their grandparents be very significant in their lives?

•^ bc of this they will most likely be vanilla in bed. I don’t even think they’ll lust after you for a while man I mean, outta respect yk? And also bc it doesn’t feel right to them. It’s not the first thing or one of the first things that come into their mind when they think about you

• ^^ you basically have to tell them what to do, what they can and cannot do too. They’ve had to be so involved in taking care of everybody with an undying kindness to them that they don’t really know where boundaries begin. They’d never wanna break your boundaries

• ok this does not mean that your person is a nice white male, btw!! I keep seeing a salesman, wearing a baby blue button up and khakis, brown hair…this person seems so average? — this could mean that they’re doing everything they can to make others happy and totally not paying attention to their own. I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this person cry in public, but if you make them cry in bed? Hey, go for it muahahah

• it will prob take a while to get them to be comfortable with thinking about you sexually. If they have to relieve themselves, they try to channel this energy into workouts or something physical that gets their mind off of you in that way. Inevitably, the idea of you in bed will pop up, but they’ll shake it off. It’s not even holding back—they just don’t wanna “disrespect” you and see you as an object (but like I said, if you want them to treat you like one in bed or smth, you have to let them know and say it with a lot of conviction. This person is very mentally bullheaded so it’s hard to break into them like that)

•I think they let a lot of things happen bc they’re that empathetic, or they just don’t have the energy for the chase. Like think little kid stealing from a shop, they’ll prob be like “hey kid- ah…” *sighs and scratches back of head as they watch the kid run away with said items*

• if you’re not interested in this person or blatantly ignoring them, they’ll really try to get you (but in a nonstalker-ish way) which is good!! They just want your attention really. They’re pretty much awestruck by you, ESPECIALLY if you ever go to an event and they see you all cleaned up and dressed, they’ll check you out and zone out mid convo I swear. You actually render them speechless.

• (now…we get to some of the graphics.) This person is not a serial masturbator, I will say. Once a day, max. If you’ll allow them, they would do more. They could honestly go all day if you made them. If this person works in an office and you make them soooooo desperate, they would hide somewhere, perhaps an empty room and just start finding heaven. Very quickly too. Quickly and (trying to be) quiet. They’re pretty on top of things and responsible, but if you just tell em what to do, it will be done. They even clean after their mess too (if they do it in public? Cleaning up fast due to freaking out). Like “oh god, what have I done…” They’re super fucking clumsy too and don’t have too good of a recovery in public tho. For example, if they run into someone they know, RIGHT after coming out of the restroom? Red, hot face, sweat all over their neck. Stuttering and shit when they try to say hi to the said acquaintance. When they touch themselves, they don’t use toys (which is very sad. You gotta spice up their lives. They’re open to it. If you’re not the one with spice, they’re also okay with it. And if you’re both okay with vanilla sex every time, feel free!) This person just uses their hands, but LIES DOWN. They like to relax, face the ceiling, close their eyes, and think slow vanilla things…

•might be tmi, but when they touch themselves, it’s kind of inhibited…and not as fast as people do when they’re abt to cross the finish line, yk? Like either long edging sessions or never letting themselves climax sometimes, or rubbing/pressing very hard and still but not fast(?) when they cum…if you know what I mean? Idk if they’re doing it on purpose or if they’re not too experienced, or if they think they don’t deserve it? Scared maybe?

•no kidding, you could actually do anything to this person. cnc/dubious consent would be hot for them—though, they prob wouldn’t know what the kink is called lolll (you have to make sure tho. Establish boundaries and a safe word) bc they wanna be like “nooooo, don’t do that~~” while you’re all over them. BEFORE or IF you guys ever step into that stage tho, they’ll think about simple things if you do allow them to think about you sexually. Like you on top of them, slow grinding, soft touches, helping them out, mutual masturbation. there’s a little part that is innocent and doesn’t know how to step out of that or where to start when it comes to the more kinky stuff.

• it’s funny bc even tho this person has had a lot of experience outside, within a team or jobs, or clubs, etc., they’re so…malleable?? LMFAO 😂 crazy ass word to use but YES. you can throw them around like a damn doll and have them do this and that. A bit of hesitancy, but they know their main purpose in life is to serve :)

• but like I said, they’re a switch, so not only can they think abt you taking control (softdom energy), but if they think abt being on top, they think about slow, loving sex yk? Like slow grinding- oooh, yeah. that really gets them. They’re the type to milk themselves till the last drop too btw. Til. The. Last. Drop.

• also, most of the partners are not a loud moaner. They’re quiet, likely bc they’ve had to force themselves to be quiet in the household they’ve grown in. If your person is a loud moaner, they’ve grown unashamed of their sexual needs and have developed a healthy relationship with that aspect. If you’re with a person who’s like this and moans loud, congratulations!! They have become comfortable in their skin and you have made it so 🙂‍↕️👏👏 If they’re still quiet, def some insecurity bc of growing up with limiting beliefs or having to live with a lot of people in childhood. If you want them loud, you have to encourage it out of them. They’ll be pretty fuckin shy about it though. You realllly have to pull it out of them.

• bonus: if they’re loud, they’re a slut 😂😂 like a secret slut, yk? (this might be a bit darker so don’t read if you don’t want to—this really only applies to a small portion of people here—but chances are they get off…on being ashamed and self-degradation? A big example is being ashamed for engaging in sex/sexual activities? Like a masochist, “this is so dirty, I shouldn’t be doing this…” but proceeds to do it anyway bc they can’t help themselves?? And they likely degrade themselves while getting off. These people may secretly be content creators for this type of thing but appear angelic in real life OR they have potential to. Like them faceless whimper creators lmfaoo. Listen, hey…if you get with one of these people, you a winner winner chicken dinner

•there’s a big chance most people in this pile or the pile’s person feels ashamed or very guilty about the whole sex thing and masturbation; if you’re looking to improve your relationship with sex or relationship with this person, you have to help each other overcome this fear. It doesn’t matter who asserts themselves to the task. It requires the both of you at the end of the day. And boyyy is it gonna be hard- (…anxiety makes it hard for you to get aroused/stay aroused/reach orgasm tho 😮‍💨 the more you know…). No man, it’s gonna be so awkward—palms-sweatingly awkward. Breaking news, you might have to be the assertive one here. Your impatience could get the best of you and in that case, you’ll guide them. There are so many things that could go wrong in this situation of awkward pre-sex, but if this person has shown their worth to you and you actually trust them, a lot of it is salvageable by your own hand.

• however, if this situation goes south (and not the south we want…) then, this person will start to feel bad or insecure that they’ve hurt or done something wrong towards you, even though they’re a clumsy dummy who doesn’t intend to hurt people and tries hard to do everything right

• ^^ should you ever try to initiate it and try to sex em up again, you’d have to put a bit of work in to convince them, bc they were really open that one time and it was honestly…kinda the first time they’ve gotten so close to doing something THAT vulnerable and revealing. It would feel like they stripped and you didn’t like what you saw, and it was so apparent on your face that it broke them. That kind of vibe. A very sensitive person at heart.

• they get really anxious if something goes wrong. It’s probably a trait they picked up from parents/guardians being like that.

• they have SOOO much potential, seriously. But a lot of what-ifs on their mind so they’re playing it safe. Be confident, and maybe even borderline bossy, with them and gradually they’ll open out of their shell. This person is like hot liquid gold, waiting to be molded into your likings 😇

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**Teddy Note: Hi guys!! This is a super long post, but I hope you’ve gotten something out of it. My sexual tarot deck just came in and I’m pretty much obsessed with it already hahaha. Thank you for reading today’s post!! If you haven’t heard, I’d just opened up paid readings, and there is a sexual reading in there that is pretty much like this one, but more individualized towards you and pretty detailed (if you do decide to purchase, that is.) That’s all I gotta say. It’s been pretty intense doing these readings and the partners in these piles are all wildin in their own way 😅 Thank you again! Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t! Peace outtt :))

[demoneyecandy]

Lust and Love - Part 1

Work: Lust and Love (Part 1)

WC: 6.4k Relationship: Asmodeus x Reader, Asmodeus x MC AFAB reader, she/her pronouns and gendered terms used for reader Warning: Explicit, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Yes, my Asmo is probably ooc, do I care? Not really. He’s my poor little meow meow and I’ll decide why he’s crying.

Description: Asmodeus is having trouble with self-destructive habits, as usual, but this time M/C is there to break him out of his spiral. He shows his appreciation in a very on-brand way.

The fifth-born knew that people talked about him. How could they not? He was simply the most interesting being in all three realms, who could blame them? Some would call him flawless, confident, and sensual – he wasn’t prized in the Celestial Realm for nothing. Others called him vapid, self-absorbed, apathetic, loose, among other nasty comments. If anyone asked, he’d reply that he didn’t pay any attention to the haters. Why would they matter when everyone else knows he’s perfect? And if anyone noticed that after a day with more insults than usual Asmo would be tanked within half an hour of leaving the house? Well, that was just a coincidence. They all know he loves to party, don’t make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

With the introduction of social media to the Devildom his behavior only spiraled out of control. Devilgram served as a permanent reminder that no matter what he did he would not be universally loved. For someone like Asmo, that was his weakness. The insults cut a lot deeper than he would ever show. His whole identity was based around being desirable. He was the Avatar of Lust, not a scumbag or shut-in like his brothers.

Though the people leaving those comments kept their voices down when he passed them in the halls at RAD, the anonymity of the internet emboldened them. The negative comments were quickly reported by his fans but that didn’t stop them from being burned into his mind. From the more basic “whore” and “stuck-up bitch” to the more involved, “Who does he think he is? He’s not that cute”, “Idk why this loser has so many simps”, “bet he only has this many likes on his posts because he fucked them all lmao”, he had gotten all types of negative comments on his social media posts. When he would complain to his brothers in his usual over-the-top fashion, eyes full of tears and voice several octaves higher than it needed to be, they would shrug him off the same way they did when he told them about his favorite hair product line being discontinued or missing a sale at Majolish. In a way, that was probably his fault – if he gave two things the same weight in the way he presented the problem, of course his family would assume it was just Asmo being dramatic again.

Sometimes at night, when memories of the war haunted him, he would open his phone and scroll through the comments on the Devilgram posts he’d made that day. Anything to occupy his thoughts. The positive ones faded into the background – he knew he was beautiful; he knew he was a fashion icon, and that his skin was flawless. He also knew he wasn’t worth the attention he received, and yet he craved it more than air. He’d re-read every nasty thing that had been said about him, letting the words sink in and join the swirling torrent of self-hatred in his head. He genuinely didn’t know why he did it – maybe the same reason he’d go out and indulge in his sin every night he could. Diavolo had once tried to get the brothers to speak to some counselors after they fell, and his counselor had said his behavior seemed like a form of self-harm. That was the last time he saw that poor excuse for a therapist – how in the world could pleasure be harmful? Of course, there were the times where pain was involved, but that was all consensual. He’d never allow anyone to mar his gorgeous skin. He had already spent ages trying every suggestion he’d ever received to make his scars fade to the point that they were nothing more than barely-there pale lines from cuts and missing spots of pigmentation from burns, he certainly wouldn’t risk adding more. He felt like everyone could see them, like everyone was staring, but he knew rationally that they were only noticeable to him.

When the exchange student had first arrived and he had discovered that she was immune to his abilities, he wasn’t ashamed to admit he had spent a few nights making his way through the highlights of his little black book. His booty calls were proof that he was desirable in the form of men and women writhing in his sheets until the early hours of the morning. When he realized that she liked him anyway? That was the best he had felt in a long time. On the outside of course he played it off, keeping up his flirtatious banter with the human. But to realize that there was someone who liked him, not because of his charm? Or because he could make them feel good? It was exhilarating and terrifying. Sure, she likes him now, but what about when she realizes what everyone else has? That he’s nothing but a bed warmer with a pretty face? He dreaded that day. It was coming sooner or later, he knew it, so he would just do his best to keep the human from seeing any of the cracks he covered up with product.

It was one of those nights tonight. He broke a nail and the visible imperfection sent him into a tailspin until he could get to his room and fix his manicure. As he waited for the polish to dry, he was scrolling through the comments on a selfie he had posted during lunch at RAD. M/C had said he looked cute, so he wanted to believe it, but here he was. Giving so much weight to the opinions of people who couldn’t even say shit to his face.

His spiral was interrupted before it could really get going by a knock on his bedroom door. If it were anyone else he’d yell at them to go away, but he knew from the pattern of the knock that it was M/C.

“Just a moment, darling” he called.

Jumping out of bed, he walked over to his vanity to be sure his hair was perfect and his lip gloss didn’t need to be reapplied.  As satisfied with his reflection as he could ever be, he put on a smile and made his way to open his door. Leaning sensually on the doorframe, he gave M/C his best “fuck me” eyes as he greeted them;

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the most delectable human in the three realms. How can I help you, dear?”

M/C’s face lit up and she laughed at the demon’s antics.

“I’m having some trouble winding down for the night, and I thought I could relax here for a little bit. It’s so calming when you play with my hair”.

Asmodeus was both relieved and frustrated as the human walked past him and settled onto his bed. On the one hand, his spiral had been interrupted before he could do anything particularly self-destructive. On the other hand, it meant he was all amped up with negative feelings and no real outlet for them. There was none of the catharsis that comes along with making bad decisions. It was like that dread and anxiety and self-hatred was sitting in his gut, but he certainly wasn’t going to let M/C see him crack if he could help it. He slowly shut his bedroom door and sat next to where his human had made herself comfortable on his bed.

His eyes roamed her body, lingering just a bit too long on her plush thighs and the peek of skin where her pajama top rode up. It took her a second, but she realized where his eyes were lingering, and she quickly pulled down her shirt. That was fine by him, all it did was expose her collarbones, which he took in just as happily. She blushed and turned away, hoping to regain her composure before he noticed the red tint in her cheeks. She had no such luck, but it was cute that she thought she could hide anything from him.

He did his best to keep the predatory glint out of his eyes. The demon knew that if he came on too strong she would back off, like she had on the few occasions he’d run into her after a night out and his confidence got the best of him. The next morning he would pretend he had blacked out, but he treasured the memories of the trembling of her frame beneath his hands when he’d come in close to whisper in her ear some of the naughty thoughts he’d had about her and the startled noise she’d made the time he slapped her ass on his way up to bed. It had been just his luck that Mammon had been at the end of the hallway, so he’d gotten quite the talking to from Lucifer the next morning. Something about not taking advantage of the exchange student, how he had to show more respect, the reputation of Diavolo’s exchange program, blah blah blah. The only thing he had cared about was that it hadn’t been M/C herself who’d told Lucifer, it had been a jealous brother. He had, in fact, felt a lovely spark of lust rise up in his human on every occasion he’d gotten bold from the (frankly, impressive) amount of demonus in his system. After all, he’s a demon, not a monster. Sexual assault is anathema to sexual pleasure and therefore unacceptable at every level for the Avatar of Lust. Sometimes late at night when he’d touch himself he’d remember how she’d looked like a deer in the headlights, so afraid of his touch but so desperately wanting it just the same. Other times, when he was feeling more sentimental, he’d think of her laugh, her smile, the way her eyes softened when she looked at him.

After she thought her face was back to normal (it wasn’t, but he wasn’t going to be the one to tell her that when she just looked so damn cute), she moved around until her head was in his lap and her body was stretched out in a pile of his softest blankets, grabbing his hand and placing it on her head in an unvoiced demand for him to stroke her hair. His heart melted – this was all she ever asked of him. At the same time, a small voice in the back of his head spoke.

You know why she doesn’t try to fuck you, right? You’re not good enough for her and she knows it. I’m sure she’s fucking one of your brothers instead. She’s found someone who could satisfy her in a way you never could. After all, you’re nothing but a placeholder. Easy and good enough for a night, but why would she want you when she could have them? Why would she want damaged goods? A vapid, self-obsessed, pathetic excuse for a demon. You were a shitty angel too.

He shook his head almost imperceptibly, trying to will the thoughts away. He busied himself running his hands through M/C’s hair, carefully untangling any knots he found along the way. Her eyes had closed, letting herself sink into the feeling. There was a gentle smile on her face, and she raised her chin to lean into his touch, leaving her neck completely exposed. Vulnerable. She was allowing herself to be entirely vulnerable with him, a being who could slit her throat in an instant, or tug her hair hard enough to pull her head clean off her body. He felt tears well up in his eyes at her trust, but the thoughts kept coming, taking him back down into that bad place he had been heading for before M/C came to his door.

You’re nothing. She knows you’re nothing, and that’s why she isn’t afraid. Your pact makes you useless, you couldn’t hurt her if you wanted to. You’re a declawed kitten. Pathetic. Why would she want you? She has her pick of suitors in the Devildom, you wouldn’t even make the top-10. She pities you, that’s why she lets you touch her.

M/C had thought it was strange that Asmodeus had been quiet, but she figured he must have been tired, so she wasn’t going to bug him when he was already doing her a favor by calming her down for the night. Truthfully, she had just wanted to see her favorite demon. He had been more withdrawn at home for the last few weeks, spending more nights out at The Fall locking lips with anyone in arm’s reach and chugging demonus like it was water. She was mildly concerned for him. His brothers had said that he got in moods like this sometimes, but at least he wasn’t bringing home a new demon (or demons) every night. M/C wasn’t going to admit it out loud, but she was a little jealous hearing about his past behavior. She knew it was silly, it wasn’t like she even knew him then, and she had no say in what he did in his spare time. It wasn’t like she was a virgin either. Still, Levi had looked at her knowingly when they’d told her, recognizing the envy welling up in her.

She realized that something was wrong when she felt wetness drip onto her cheek.

“Asmo?” M/C opened her eyes, greeted with the most disheveled version of the Avatar of Lust that she’d ever seen. Not that that said much, she rarely saw him with a single hair out of place, but seeing his eyes puffy and tear tracks down his face was enough to seriously concern her. She sat up slowly, reaching to grab his hand from where it had paused in her hair.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” her thumb gently stroked across the back of his hand. Rather than the gesture comforting him, as she’d hoped, he made eye contact only to begin audibly crying. Still unsure what was happening, she pulled herself up onto her knees to face him, bringing her other hand to his face and holding mimicking the motions she was making on the back of his hand along his cheekbone. She tried to keep the movement steady, methodical, to give him something to focus on so he could calm down enough to tell her what was happening. He leaned into her touch, grabbing her hand with his free hand and holding it there like he was scared she’d disappear if he let go. She shushed him quietly, reminding him of her presence whenever he seemed to be retreating into his own head.

Neither of them know how long it was before Asmodeus’s sobbing turned into pathetic little hiccupping, his eyes long since dried out. They sat in silence for a few minutes, each of them too afraid to drag them back to the present moment. M/C spoke first.

“Can I get you anything? Some water? A washcloth?”

He nodded, avoiding eye contact out of sheer embarrassment and fear of what would happen next. The one thing he didn’t want to happen above all else had happened, and now she was going to steer clear of him. He was sure of it.

Reluctantly, he let go of her hand as she went to his bathroom in search of what he needed. Now alone on his bed, he felt so small and so fragile. He had only known M/C for a very, very small faction of his very, very long existence, but somehow he couldn’t imagine going back to the way things were before he’d met her – especially as she continued to live in the House of Lamentation and develop her relationship with his brothers and the residents of both the Demon Lord’s Castle and Purgatory Hall. He knew she was kind and patient, but all his mind would let him see was her laying under some nondescript body, laughing about how pathetic the fifth-born was as she was pleasured by someone else, letting the world know how weak and inadequate he was. That he was an embarrassment to his title. He would have kept crying at that point, but he wasn’t sure his body even had that much water left. This was going to do such a number on his skin, he’d really need to step up his game with his skincare routine. Going through his plan of attack was enough to focus his mind and calm him down in the few minutes it took M/C to find a drinking glass and a washcloth in his enormous bathroom.

The human handed him the glass, waiting for him to drink half before she took it from his hands to place on his nightstand. She gently wiped his face with the damp cloth, knowing he’d feel better without the salt staining his skin. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had been so delicate with him, treating him like a valuable rather than something easily replaceable. The thought made his heart hurt, and brought with it a new wave of thoughts about how he wasn’t treated like that because he really wasn’t valuable. That his human was mistaken and she’d know it soon enough. She’d seen the first crack in his façade, it wouldn’t be too long now before she saw the rest.

As she went to get up to place the washcloth back in the bathroom, he made a little noise and grabbed for her hand.

“Asmo, I have to put this away. I’m not going anywhere, I swear, I just don’t want to leave something damp on your bedsheets”.

Reluctantly, he let go, and she went back to the bathroom as quickly as she could. Asmo had always been needy, this wasn’t news to anyone, but rarely had she seen him so desperate. Sometimes, when it was just the two of them, she could see peeks of the Asmodeus he wanted to hide from the world. She knew the fall had been traumatic for all of them, but she wouldn’t pretend to know the extent of that kind of trauma. It wasn’t something that was her place to draw attention to, because no matter how much she loved them she knew that just love wasn’t enough when it came to dealing with something of that gravity. They needed to share at their pace, if they ever felt comfortable sharing at all. All she could do was hope that this was some kind of turning point for him, and that he was ready to be open with her. Well, as open as was healthy. Baby steps, right?

The demon visibly relaxed when she came back towards him. Climbing over him, she laid down on ‘her’ side of the bed as Asmo called it jokingly (it wasn’t a joke but he was pleading the fifth on that question). She made grabby hands, and a relieved Asmodeus rolled into her side, resting his head on her chest and winding an arm around her waist. She set her chin on top of his head and wrapped her arms around him as best she could. She knew he needed to feel completely safe if he was going to talk about whatever had just happened.

The two laid together for a bit, the sounds of the house creaking and his brothers going about their business throughout the house breaking up the quiet in a way that made it palatable. Finally, Asmodeus spoke in a voice lacking all of his usual bravado and charm.

“So, I’m guessing you’d like to know what that was about”.

“If you feel comfortable sharing. I’m here for you, Asmo, you won’t scare me away. You just have to trust me”.

A beat of silence passed before the man took a deep breath, steeling himself for what was definitely going to be a painful conversation on his end.

“I… I’m not sure where to start. You know what they called me in the Celestial Realm, right?”

A nod.

“The Jewel of the Heavens. My face, my body, my charm, it was something our Father truly valued. I was beautiful, and that’s how I earned my keep. I was an ornament. I didn’t mind it much at the time – why would I care when it was nothing but a positive? Even Lucifer loved to show me off, his beautiful little brother. The pride of the Celestial Realm”.

M/C maintained eye contact, not daring to interrupt but wanting to show she was listening. She moved one hand up to stroke his hair, like he had done to her a million times before.

“When we fell… I don’t think there’s any kind of corollary in a human life. I went from an admired figure, praised for my beauty, to nothing when I made the decision to rebel with my brothers and Lilith. I don’t regret my decision, don’t get me wrong, Lilith was one of the most wonderful beings I’ve met in my life. I still miss her even now”.

The demon broke eye contact, trying to hide the quiver in his voice as he thought of his dead sister. The pain of that kind of loss never actually goes away and it’s harder some days.

“The point is, as a result of that decision, I lost everything that I knew about myself. By the end of the war, I was covered in big, ugly scars, stripped of my status as an angel and turned into a demon - a being that I had been told since I was created was inherently evil, wrong, and unlovable. It took me years before I could look at myself in a mirror again. I wasn’t Asmodeus, Jewel of the Heavens. I was Asmodeus, a vile, unlovable Thing. I had to feel something again, I had to be someone again. That’s how I ended up like this – I found a way I could feel loved again, even if just for a night”.

Or, he thought to himself, more often an hour in a nightclub bathroom.

He continued speaking, too scared to look up at his human’s eyes and see disgust or contempt in them.

“I will never be the me I was again. Never. Even thousands of years later that isn’t something I’ve fully come to terms with yet. I feel broken and wrong. On good days I really do mean what I say – that I’m beautiful, irresistible, absolutely perfect in every way”.

His voice took on a lilt and a small smile twisted the corner of his mouth as he remembered the feeling of power that comes with his moments of genuine confidence. However, as he began again, his voice sounded unsure again and so very small.

“On bad days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed. If I’m not beautiful, if I’m not wanted, what’s the point? What’s the point of any of this? Sometimes, when I make them chase me, when I let them put their hands on me, I feel like I’m wanted. Just for a little while, and that’s enough. What more could I ask for? After all, I’m not Mammon, can’t get too greedy”.

He tacked on a joke at the end, complete with a clearly forced laugh, trying to lighten the atmosphere that had settled over his room. He felt M/C press her lips to the crown of his head, still stroking his hair softly. She wasn’t quite sure how to respond, and she knew she had to be careful with the next thing out of her mouth.

“Asmodeus, you are worth so much. To so many people. To your brothers, to all of our friends, to me. I’m so proud of you for sharing that with me, it can’t have been easy”.

As she looked down, seeking his eyes, the demon saw only compassion in those eyes. It was a strange sight for him, and it made him feel something inside that he knew he had felt before, but he couldn’t quite remember when. It felt like there were butterflies in his stomach. There was some tension between them. Though it had an element of lust, it was moreso the unidentified emotion. He didn’t know what to do about that, so he decided to go with what he knew best- lust. Acting on muscle memory, he reached up to pull M/C’s head down to his. Surprised by Asmo pulling her down into a kiss when moments before he had been so vulnerable, M/C gasped and froze, allowing her pactmate to gain the upper hand.

The kiss was hungry and desperate from the start, definitely not how she imagined their first kiss beyond a casual peck on the lips, but it felt too good for her to dwell on that for long. With his tongue exploring her mouth he moved from his spot curled up on her side to get completely on top, pinning her in place. He held her wrists firmly above her head and his knees kept her thighs in place. His grip on her was somehow delicate and firm at the same time. The two let out little moans and pants between kisses, each losing themselves in the feeling of the other’s clothed body on their own. When Asmodeus separated their mouths, she followed his lips as far as she could, needing more. He shot her a look as though telling her to stay put, and she obeyed. His eyes were blown wide, glowing like a sunset. It was more out of habit than anything else since they knew his charm did nothing to her but it was undeniably beautiful.

The demon traced down her neck with messy kisses. If he weren’t a demon, she’d think he seemed like a man possessed. Between little nibbles and sucking, he panted out everything he was thinking, as if speaking it into her skin would make it so. When she concentrated, she could make out some of what he was saying over and over, almost like a prayer.

“I’ll be so good for you. I’ll make you feel so good, you won’t regret this. This will make you love me, I know it”.

She didn’t like to use her pact, but he was too lost in her body to listen if she asked nicely and his grip was too strong for her to break.

“Asmodeus, stop”.

He froze, a confused and hurt look on his face.

“Did I do something wrong?”

His eyes glowed brighter, as if subconsciously trying to fix whatever mistake he had made.

“Let go of me”. She tried to keep her voice even and maintain eye contact. She wanted to convey that she wasn’t upset, but he was clearly panicking inside his head.

The demon released her wrists, placing them on his own thighs. He tried to look away, ashamed, but the human gently directed his gaze back to her with a finger on his chin. She sat up against the pillows, trying to seem as serious as she could with disheveled clothing and red marks blooming all over her neck.

“Do you think that this is out of pity?” She desperately hoped that she had been reading into it too much, that he knew what she had been afraid to say. Her fears were confirmed when he cast his eyes downward and to the side, staring into space rather than meeting her eyes.

“Asmodeus, I can’t possibly imagine what you went through. You are so strong for going through that and still managing to be the funny, caring, genuine person that I know. What I do have some experience with is needing to feel wanted so badly that I’d let people touch me even when I wanted nothing more than for them to stop. I also know how absolutely garbage it feels when it’s over and they leave without so much as another word, I would just feel so used”. M/C’s eyes teared up as she remembered the feeling, but she blinked them away, willing herself to focus on the man in front of her.

“I never, ever want you to feel that way again. Not if I can help it. I love you, Asmodeus. Let me show you how much”.

A smile finally crossing his lips, albeit a small one, Asmo nodded. This time it was the human who brought their lips together, though their kiss was just as passionate as before. She caught the demon by surprise, rolling them over so she was the one pinning him to the bed. He looked up at M/C with pure adoration in his eyes, electrified by the love he saw reflected in hers and the lust he felt emanating from her soul. Finally confident that they were on the same page, M/C poured all of the affection she could into every touch, every kiss. She felt his hands travel up from their place on her waist to cup her breasts through her pajama shirt, moaning at his touch. Her sounds spurred him on, letting him regain some of his confidence. If there was one thing he knew he was an expert on, it was pleasure. He played with her nipples through her clothing and treasured every noise he was able to pull from her. Each gasp, every sigh, just emboldened him more. By the time he had stripped her of her top, he was fully in his element.

“Asmo”, she begged, “please, let me touch you too”.

She shifted her weight back onto her knees to make room for her demon to get out from under her. Readjusting so they laid side-by-side facing each other, they took the moment to stare into each other’s eyes. M/C’s smile was contagious, and Asmodeus couldn’t help but smile back. She hadn’t even touched him yet and she was already better than his fantasies. He hadn’t dared to let himself imagine her loving him, and he was going to treasure every second he got with her.

Her shaking hands made their way from his abdomen up to his chest, tweaking his nipples just to hear the noise he’d make before she got to work unbuttoning his pajama shirt. The more she teased him with brief touches, the more he squirmed for her. He was this close to ripping it off himself, and he really liked this pj set - he thought it brought out his eyes. Before he could finish deciding if it was worth popping the buttons off and maybe even a few seams, he felt the soft skin of the other’s hands finally trail up and down his torso. The demon made a noise almost like a purr, reminding M/C of his inhumanity in a thrilling way.

“Touch me”, it came out more as a breathy whisper than a demand, but she listened all the same.

Leaning over him to kiss down his neck and chest, the human used one hand to support her weight near his head and the other to trail down his body, stopping to cup his growing erection through his pants. An unexpectedly loud moan cut the air as she bit gently down on his nipple and began to stroke his cock.

“Shhh baby”, she said in a voice he’d never heard from her before, “You don’t want your brothers hearing and coming in here to stop us, do you?”. It was only then that he remembered he hadn’t locked his door earlier. From the grin spreading across her face as she looked towards the door, she knew it too. Asmo had never seen her look more mischievous in the whole time he’d known her and he was living for it. He was pretty sure he was witnessing the creation of a monster and he had no regrets, except that they hadn’t done this sooner.

Taking his silence for agreement, she got up only to kneel on the floor at the edge of the bed. She motioned for him to sit up and strip, which he did gladly. She took in the sight of his cock hungrily, eyes glazed over imagining what it would feel like in her pussy. He had seen that look many times and knew exactly what was going through her mind. Still, if he didn’t tease, would he even be Asmo?

With his bottoms thrown towards his laundry hamper, he spread his legs enticingly and grabbed the base of his cock. He stroked himself slowly, seeing M/C’s eyes fixate on a drop of precome on the head.

“Do you like what you see, my dear?” She could hear the grin in his voice. It was comforting to hear him sound like his usual confident self again.

“Very much”. Her hands began to rub along his thighs, appreciating the lean muscle she felt underneath her fingertips. “Can I taste you?”

“I thought you’d never ask, darling. Show me how you worship me in your daydreams”.

Her face lit up bright red. He couldn’t know, could he? He was just guessing, it was just dirty talk… right?

Swallowing the embarrassment she felt at the idea that Asmo knew the content of her fantasies, she began to rub soothing circles into his skin and kiss up and down his inner thighs.

“Oh sweetheart, I know you do more than that in those dreams of yours. How about you keep going, and you let me know if any of this rings a bell”. At this she began nipping at his skin every few kisses, soothing over any bites she made with her tongue.

“Let’s see, I think one of my favorites so far was in the library the other day. It was you, me, Satan, and Levi studying for the upcoming Seductive Speechcraft exam. About the time we were doing our individual reading, I recall you having some particularly interesting ideas. How did it start again?”

Her hand replaced his own stroking him, placing gentle kisses on his balls. She didn’t want this to end too soon and, honestly, she was curious if he actually did know what she had been thinking or if he just picked up on her getting horny that day and was trying to mess with her.

“Ah, yes”, his breath hitched as she dragged her tongue up the length of his dick, swirling around his head, only to kiss back down his shaft. “We were studying together, the same four of us that were actually there, but Levi and Satan got up to get a snack for us all. Once they left, I turned to you and told you how beautiful you looked”.

M/C’s hand sped up, and she leaned down to start sucking on the tip of his cock, keeping a steady pressure, and feeling proud at the flush in his cheeks. Slowly, she began to take him inch by inch in her mouth.

“I think after some flirting it took a rather raunchy turn, so let’s skip to the good part. I distinctly remember you dreaming of me sticking my hand down your panties and fingering you open, whispering sweet nothings to you the whole time”. M/C’s moan was muffled by the dick halfway down her throat, sending vibrations up Asmo’s cock. The sound of pleasure he made in response caused her to rub her thighs together, her own arousal obvious.

“What happened next? I think I lost my train of thought..”. M/C had gone down on him as far as she could, her nose nestled in the well-trimmed pubic hair on his pelvis. Asmodeus threaded his hand through her hair, pulling it up into a makeshift handle. She moaned, knowing what was about to happen. Asmo giggled, appreciating how eager she was for him to use her.

“That’s right”, he stared down at the woman with hooded eyes and his cocky grin, clearly back in his element, “you begged me to fuck your face”. Gripping her hair, he pulled back and thrust back into her mouth, hard. He let out a delighted gasp as her throat constricted around his dick.

“Darling, you feel so good, you’re such a good girl for me”, M/C’s eyes rolled back at the praise and as Asmo picked up the pace of his hips, she could do nothing but relax into his grip and let him use her. As his hips stuttered, she could feel him approaching his orgasm. Asmodeus made the most erotic sound the human had ever heard as he pulled her face flush to his body and released down her throat. M/C quickly swallowed, eager for more of him. He panted gently as he came down, relaxing his grip and transitioning to slowly smoothing her hair. The pair sat there for a moment to catch their breath.

“Holy shit”, M/C was the first to break the silence.

“Holy shit is right”, Asmodeus replied with a hungry grin. He reached a hand down to pull M/C up from her knees and into his lap. The two embraced, and Asmodeus felt himself hardening again at how he could taste himself on her tongue.

“Your turn now, sweetheart”, the demon cooed. Before M/C could say a word, the world spun and suddenly Asmodeus was laying on the bed and she found herself on her knees above his face. He licked his lips in anticipation before lowering her onto his face.

Maybe it was a demon thing, or maybe it was an Asmodeus thing, but the way his tongue moved on her clit and between her labia was like nothing she had experienced before. His mouth was hot, and wet, and almost electrifying as it managed to pinpoint her every weak spot. Every time she ground her hips into his face, embracing pleasure instead of running from it like she had with so many other men before him, he rewarded her with a moan, sending vibrations up into her body. The closer that M/C got to the edge, the harder she pulled on his soft curls, forgetting her own taunts about his brothers hearing and getting progressively louder. She came with a desperate cry of his name, squirting onto his face, which the demon excitedly lapped up with his tongue. M/C rolled off of his face and flopped bonelessly onto the bed. Asmodeus wasted no time climbing on top of her and bringing their lips together yet again, this time with a ferocity she had only imagined in her most erotic dreams. The feeling of his hard cock on the soft skin of her thigh made them both shiver in anticipation.

“Are you ready for me?” Asmodeus began, “I meant it before when I said I’d make it good for you. I want to make you cum harder than you’ve ever cum before”.

“Well,” M/C said breathlessly, “mission accomplished”.

“Oh honey,” the demon laughed and his eyes began to glow again, “you have no idea what I’m capable of”.

Let me know what you guys thought! I’m going to write a second part if there’s interest. Cross-posted to AO3 with the same username. Thanks for reading <3  

[rewritingcanon]

Sorry, this might be a long rant but those anons and replies you were getting got me going. TERFs always say how trans women are “cosplaying” or “performing” what they think a woman is. But, and I say this as a cis woman, don’t cis women do that too? I’d argue that it’s not even performing womanhood, it’s performing femininity, and isn’t femininity a performance at the end of the day? Cis women wear makeup, jewelry, dresses, etc. usually to express their femininity, but it’s not inherent to being a woman. Being born a woman doesn’t automatically come with a gene that makes you interested in traditionally feminine things or ways of expression, it’s all socialization. People associate gender affirmation only with trans people, but cis men and woman do it too? Men will go to the gym to build muscle or get hair transplants to feel more masculine, and women will do things that make them feel more feminine. It’s all a performance that we put on for society. Cis women get cosmetic surgery to adhere to female beauty standards all the time (even JKR, allegedly) but suddenly it’s a problem when trans women do it?

It sucks because I do consider myself a radical feminist but TERFs make it hard to exist in that space. I think TERFs and I would agree that women getting plastic surgery is actually not an empowering or feminist choice and only further feeds an industry that profits off of making women (especially women of color) feel insecure. However, I don’t blame women for getting work done, because they’re essentially the victim in the scenario. Why would I blame someone who is groomed by a society that tells them certain parts of them are bad and need to be changed? It’s pointless and self righteous, and it only further puts the burden of being the “perfect victim” on women. I feel the same for trans women (and men). I don’t like that we live in a society that pressures people into undergoing sometimes very serious procedures to be more palatable. But that’s hardly their fault, is it? Can I really blame anyone for being worn down and making a decision to try and make their life in a toxic world easier? Specifically for trans women, it also involves their safety because they (specifically trans women of color) are the most at risk members of society, especially when it comes to violence. The more they ‘pass’, they are keeping themselves safe.

It’s just so crazy to me how TERFs can acknowledge that the patriarchy is toxic to women in ways that affect their daily lives and how they present themselves, but can’t seem to understand that it also affects other groups of people in those ways as well. Trans women aren’t our enemy, they’re just trying to survive, just like we are. How can I fault anyone for that?

Again, so sorry for the long rant but I got heated lmao

no dont apologise babe i completely agree LOL. its so sad because when i first came across radical feminism it was about their takes on sex work and the porn industry in general and i really agreed with a lot they had to say so i kept deep diving and THEN i came across the terfism. and to this day idk whether that is intrinsic to radfem ideology or if terfs are just saying it is. either way, its sad because i feel like radfems are sort of overshadowed by terfs in their spaces and get a bad rep to their name because of how many bigots use that space to promote their hateful rhetoric instead of promoting their good takes on patriarchy.

that original post about jkr got a lot of terfs/self proclaimed radfems in the shits too and i would scroll through their profiles and read what they had to say about the oppression of ciswomen and actually agree with them. and then they would turn around and argue the exact opposite about trans women which was absolutely mind-boggling to me. you tell me these people can discuss so many nuances about cis-womanhood but refuse to acknowledge similar nuances in transpeople? crazy. and very disappointing.

your point on plastic surgery and gender affirming surgery is interesting. ive never thought about it that way before or thought to compare the two. i agree with what you say about cis women getting plastic surgery btw, i also dont think it’s empowering women at all but i wont blame them. i think the difference between that and gender affirming surgery is that there are more grey areas like gender dysmorphia (although not everyone who gets this surgery has to have dysmorphia) and also what you said about safety in passing! im cis too so i dont pretend to know how gender dysmorphia feels like (i know dysmorphia is also not a trans-only thing either though). maybe the experience of that is because of socialisation and the knowledge that one’s physicality is preventing them from being socialised ‘correctly,’ and maybe that would disappear if strict ideas of gender (and what ‘man/woman’ “look” like) disappeared as well, but i don’t pretend to know lol. i dont want to make it out to be some big illusion of patriarchy or anything.

either way, you’re right. we are oppressed by patriarchy in similar ways, ways that are exacerbated for trans women (and more so for non-white trans women). even trans men are oppressed too, but im not so sure how they fit into terf rhetoric. i think they may just groups trans men in with cis women? although ive never seen a terf come on here and speak up for the oppression of trans men either so. lol.

sorry for taking so long to answer this i was pondering it for a long time 😭👍

[olderthannetfic]

“Besides, thinking in terms of "clearing your name" is very black and white and self-important.” You said this on my anon about how to not care about randos blocking you, can you elaborate there?

Tbh framing it as callout posts maybe wasn’t the best choice, J agree that no one in 2023 who listens to those is very smart, I’m thinking more of where I get in a discussion about X representation with one individual and I don’t respond the way they like/respond at all and don’t 100% agree with them and bow down to their infinite wisdom since they’re part of X minority group, and then that person starts *privately* warning others in the fandom (like in discords and stuff) that I’m X-ist or “unsafe for X people to follow” or I “talk over X people” and a bunch of people who weren’t involved at all start blocking for safety reasons. (And yeah I’m not being paranoid, people have told me this is happening.) The thing is, I’m sympathetic to why marginalized people are a bit over cautious in blocking — I have been myself, too — but there are so many people now who weaponize that for mean girl shit by just saying “racist” or “homophobic” or whatever and not discussing the actual situation, since that might cause some of these individuals to disagree with them if they knew. And it bothers me so much because a lot of these people are themselves deeply bigoted in other ways: for instance, I know someone in a fandom who was slurred as antisemitic and blocked by a bunch of randos where the “antisemitism” was “disagreed with one (1) Jewish person about whether a fictional group was a Nazi analogue” and the Jewish user in question was really racist toward people from some of the groups victimized by those other proposed analogues — but of course that is left out in that person’s version of events, as is the fact that plenty more Jewish people in the discussion agreed with OP than didn’t. Situations like that and what happened to me are why I think now it just makes sense to require evidence (as in the offending posts) when someone does an “OP is a terf” or whatever, so you can make up your own mind — but I’ve seen people get accused of shit just for asking that. Someone even said in response “a trans woman asked you nicely and you can’t even just take her word for it and block the TERF, you have to ask her to do the emotional labor of finding proof for you?” Yeah? She’s a stranger? I think it’s normal not to listen to random accusations from strangers without evidence behind them????

--

I mean, I assume tons of people block me for "safety reasons", but that's both their prerogative and a them problem.

You can either placate people all the time, or you can accept that some people will find you contentious/annoying/scary/whatever.

Whisper campaigns and callouts aren't actually different here. Someone who believes the rando that you're a bigot is also not interested in doing their own thinking and investigation. Maybe they're tired and busy. I can't fault them for that. Maybe they're easily led and you're better off without them.

The situation remains the same: there are a fuckton of people in the world and you are not going to run out of people to hang out with just because some believed a rumor.

People who go "How dare you ask for evidence?!" are generally bad news, especially when they have decided to intentionally take upon themselves the labor of spreading the news about so-and-so.

If someone demands I do a thing and then throws a tantrum, it's that person who's getting blocked.

--

As for why it's black and white and self-important, my reasons were in the other post:

Yes, I'm sure some people did just believe a whisper campaign and they genuinely think you're a bigot and that scared them off...

...but to assume that's necessarily why a specific person blocked you is silly.

It's entirely plausible that they blocked you after looking at your actual tumblr/twitter/whatever and finding you not to their taste. Maybe they looked after hearing the rumors, but that doesn't mean the rumors themselves are why they blocked. It's plausible that they block everyone whom they perceive to be involved in wank on the theory that no matter who's at fault, blocking all and sundry will lead to a quieter fandom life. They may block everyone who ships something they dislike. They may block for one single annoying response on one single post that they happen to see. (I have blocked hundreds of people for this kind of reason. Maybe thousands.)

The reason it's black and white thinking is that many people block for all kinds of murky "I just felt like it" reasons that aren't as dramatic as dividing other users into Safe and Unsafe, Good and Bad.

The reason it's self-important is that you're imagining that you matter to this person. You probably don't. Their reasons may be extraordinarily petty and not this grand drama about whether you're a bigot or not.

--

I mean, sure, the pattern you describe above is a constant in fandom now from what I can tell, but who cares?

The people being hurt by this are the people who are preemptively blocking interesting tumblrs, not the tumblrs that got blocked.

I suppose it's compassionate to wish for people to learn how to do their own research and not be swayed by rumors, but it's also not my job to save them from their lack of critical thinking skills.

[asherlockstudy]

Hey, it's me again (the only other person who fully agrees with you apparently, though I did see someone else kinda- sort of agree with you too a few posts back and it gives me hope for humanity) .

I don't understand this obstination with wanting to keep the head in the sand honestly.

These people really heard Rhett talking about ''missing puzzle pieces'' in rectums during the brolonoscopy video and went ''yeah, missing puzzles pieces in rectums, that's a tooootally normal thing to say, puzzle pieces is first thing that would come to anyone's mind if they wanted to make a joke like that''

...Seriously?

You think it's a ''coincidence''? well, it sure is a very peculiar one you at least gotta admit that.

It isn't though. The reason Rhett even feels comfortable slipping in these hints is because he now understood how clueless everyone is, and he is right, nobody got it.

You talked about the puzzle piece thing in realation to a specific act a long long time ago, before this happened, and that's was a very similar conclusion I had reached about it . Are we psychics? No.

We had indipendently reached a very very similar interpretation of this whole long overarching story present in their scripted videos before we even started speaking in DMs back then, and it's not by random chance, it's just a proof something is indeed there.

R&L are one of the greatest love stories of our generation and they are telling their story in a very clever self ironic and uinique way and people have no freaking idea, it's so frustrating. They must feel very frustrated as creative people, but it's not their fault. It's the audience.

It's not just fangirls fangirling over the though of two hot guys being romantically involved. There is something there. Ignoring the signs is not being respectfult to them, because you are glossing over how smart they truly can be as creators.

Hello again! I have been feisty too in the past but I am kinda in a mood that I don’t want to directly judge people with different opinions or perspectives (then again even though I thanked disagreeing anon for being polite, I chose to overlook that they called opinions such as mine delusional lol 👀). Not sure if it’s because I became wiser or simply I feel dead inside… In any case, you know I agree with you and I totally get your frustration and bafflement. I am only landing on the conclusion that people have the tendency to preserve equilibrium in their life and avoid what would disrupt that. There is a sense of safety and trust in the thought that Rhett and Link will forever be great platonic friends with happy families. I get that. I don’t agree with blinding yourself in order to keep the equilibrium but I understand why fans choose this.

But there’s more than us and the semi-agreeing anon here. Given the interaction in my posts, I would say there are like 5-7 of us overall (which is still too few 🥲) but I am by light years the most vocal / certain and now you too.

Btw heyyy you didn’t answer me last time what your previous username was! Given the clues you have given me I can think of two people.

[faithfromanewperspective]

A) purity culture is a term describing sex negativity in religion and how it impacts people. It's not about like, holding celebrities to high standards

B) you know that conservatives exist in the real world right? They have friends, families, colleagues. Theyre not extremists because they live isolated etc etc. In fact people acting like its a-ok for them to want to destroy peoples rights is what keeps them conservative. If they were ostracised for their viewpoints they may actually reflect on them

C) taylor has had tons of bad friends. Lena Dunham literally molested her sister, for example. You think with Matty then Travis people would have learnt that taylor just doesnt give a fuck about racism, sexism (unless it affects her), etc. Shes not friends with Brittany cos shes trying to convert her- she just doesnt care. She just uses politics as PR- she doesn't actually care

hey anon! thanks for reaching out. working backwards, taylor isn’t a paragon for morality. if she were, she’d do activism properly including when it might reflect poorly on her. I agree, I don’t think she’s in it for some sort of ‘conversion’, she’s just there, and she’s honest about what she believes, but not in any kind of groundbreaking way just like a normal, bare minimum kind of way. more to the point of my post is that I don’t think you need to be a paragon of morality to make a difference. you can be self preservational and only honest when it’s not going to risk your success and still make more of a difference in peoples opinions by being one step less facist or whatever than them, but still being close enough to them that they don’t write you off completely. that’s how people’s minds are softened to new ideas, and most of the time it isn’t intentional (and I don’t think being friends with someone in an attempt to change them in any way is either healthy or ethical, but that’s for another post).

you raise an excellent point though in terms of how do we interact with rapists etc, especially when justice hasn’t been served for them and they’re still living in a world with no consequences. I know what I’d do, I don’t know about taylor or if she cares about figuring out what the right thing to do is there. all I’m saying is that if minds can be changed, sometimes the ways of getting there involve what looks like compromising your morals. we’ve all heard I can fix him. and we can also see that if minds can be changed by interacting in one way it can also happen in the other way and I don’t doubt that has happened to taylor to some extent and we do have a right to be disappointed by that. but like anything it comes with a trade off and taylor being able to post what she did without being brushed off (by some) as ‘a liberal’ and very possibly ‘a marxist’ is one positive aspect. it’s up to you to decide whether the positive outweighs the negative; if I could suggest something to anyone reading this though it’s that if you see the negative outweighing the positive, go and volunteer for a political or altruistic group that you agree with and learn to cultivate hope and confidence in your ability to make a difference, for the sake of your own happiness if nothing else. this advice is for all of us really, but I understand it’s not possible due to a number of constraints for many of us.

I do want to point out that leaning conservative and being a right wing extremist are vastly different things. and you’re so right in that they don’t exist in their own vacuums. for some of them they’re in extremist cults that require a lot of brainwashing and literally restrict who they interact with; for others it’s the small town effect where they never got to know any openly lgbtqia+ people and thus investigated the impacts of certain policies on them or questioned what they were taught about things like poverty being the individual’s fault—but would be open to changing their mind if their kid came out as trans, etc. But I do think in both cases having someone you respect (or at least you can’t bully out of your circles) who thinks differently and is able to articulate why can often be the first step to go from thinking of all liberals as some inhuman ‘other’ to people you don’t agree with but can respect (and maybe eventually learn from). I also think that there are things we can learn from conservatism especially when you look at early industrial era calls to conserve nature, but that’d be taking apart the whole political spectrum and again this isn’t the post for it.

yes, I know what purity culture is. I personally do this thing where I see aspects of it as in similar attitudes and just call it purity culture because often I find that people don’t ever think that just maybe, the same fear and longing for a structure through which to divide the world into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ that causes people to restrict people’s sexual expression could also result in people judging based on who you are willing to hang out with and it can easily all become performative, much like sexual ‘purity’ is also largely performative. while there is space to understand that who someone hangs out with says a lot about them, it also easily breeds tribalism which often does more harm than good—and a prejudice against people whose motivations you don’t know and won’t ever know unless you talk to them and accept them including their questionable behaviours. it’s not just celebrities we do this to, but I think because we can’t sit down and have a conversation with them or pop into their asks like you just did for me, that it becomes the only way in which we judge them. and I would appreciate if we questioned that sometimes. also some people are just fundamentally selfish but also have enough basic empathy or understanding or morality not to do anything really bad and honestly I think most of humanity falls into that category—but it also means they’d be open to realising when something they think is normal actually falls into the category of ‘really bad’. which, again, is something that often happens via exposure. sorry if I’ve made things confusing by calling something purity culture that’s not what it is but only reminds me of it.

[auto-correct]

Lemme tell you about TROLL HAL*

(*from here on out I’m just gonna refer to him as halwyr because that’s his name (it sounds like. halware. like malware. this pun was funnier the first time i said it i think))

anyways way back when i made a whole lore post about him & his backstory so i’m just gonna drop random thoughts about him here

he’s intersex that’s a thing that’s recently been added to his lore :) (there was a brief period when he was just a wee grub where he was female-presenting, but he also was a shut in for most of his early life so once he was older troll society just kinda went ‘a male fuchsiablood????? gasp!!!’ because no one really remembers him ever identifying as anything but male and also i like to think that at the very very minimum troll society by and large respects how trolls identify (sorry for going on another tirade but. there’s theoretically a troll out there giving everyone top surgery and i think that’s hilarious) )

back in the old days there was gonna be a whole thing with halwyr having to helm a ship to escape (that happened still. they went to earth where the condesce just so happens to be *cough cough* mind control fuckery involved with the helming *cough cough*) and being a little uhhhh. extra computery because of that. i was grasping at straws for how to make him resemble his canon self personality wise so he ended up being a psionic he has technopathy so that’s cool he doesn’t have to type with his longass claws what was i saying oh yeah anyways that was going to cause him and deirik (troll dirk) to have a more strained relationship and halwyr was going to be bitter about the whole ‘product of genetic experimentation’ thing and also the fact that he ended up being the one used as a living battery but uh. sorry not sorry that didn’t happen deirik and halwyr are moirails now & they care for each other canon is my sandbox and I’m using it to make glass fight me (i couldn’t think of any other reason why they’d have an even remotely brotherly relationship given that siblings aren’t a thing in troll society but i remembered that the mspa wiki page for moirallegiance said it was closest to the greek (roman?) concept of brotherly love so they’re moirails now tada)

*clears my throat* anyways at this point hal and dirk are merely inspiration for halwyr and deirik canon is out the window it hit the ground shattered into a million pieces the best of which i am now using to make a mosaic

halwyr is REALLY fuckin protective of his moirail and friends (except for jaeyke (troll jake) who is his kismesis plus That One Time Deirik Died (And Got Better) halwyr still totally blames jaeyke for that (and jaeyke blames halwyr. isn’t death and resurrection fun 😊 ) also it’s totally jaeyke’s fault don’t even get me started) uhh so basically he’s just protective of deirik roxxan and troll jane who’s name i can’t remember how to spell (jaehna???)

(deirik is jaeyke and halwyr‘s auspice he thinks they’re both idiots)

also he totally uses his status as heir for his peeps’ benefit also also he has brutally murdered a bunch of people for hurting deirik but i think i mentioned that in the lore post (the telekinetic bone-snatching) (at this point idk what i’ve said in the lore post that i might just be repeating)

also also also halwyr is exactly as mentally ill as i am which is to say quite except he doesn’t have social anxiety good for him (no, instead the social anxiety got projected onto ac but that’s a whole nother story)

so he’s very uh. *glances at the fact that i basically just confessed halwyr has the same mental illnesses that i do* let’s just say his mood instability doesn’t mix well with the capital-r Rage that accompanies the higher bloodcastes (hence the brutal murdering, which for legal reasons i must specify did not come directly from me)

unrelated but deirik is a goldblood but he’s offshade just barely enough to be noticeable without getting culled by the drones which is a big reason why halwyr is so protective of him alternia is lethal as fuck especially to the lower castes especially especially to those with even minor mutations

(in the unnamed fun side timeline deirik accidentally murders halwyr and somehow ends up surviving to adulthood and is forced to helm the condesce‘s ship both out of punishment for killing her heir (that she didn’t even like in the first place smh 🙄) and just because he’s ridiculously fuckin op psionics-wise but it’s ok! ghost halwyr ends up in the dream bubbles (there’s no game in this so it’s really just a Because I Said So situation again. if it makes you feel better maybe his lusus got him special afterlife privileges) and the two of them manage to connect over Trollian…. after like 4 sweeps of misery for the both of them💀)

(unrelated they’re both neurodivergent as fuck did i mention that yet)

yknow i get the feeling more people would care about this au if i focused exclusively on deirik instead and also if dave was also a troll but nope. you get halwyr and deirik being joint main characters of the au and distinctly-human alpha dave adopting some traumatized alien teenagers

(deirik belongs to @whydontwebegin btw that’s part of the reason i only ever post about halwyr i don’t think i could characterize deirik accurately)

anyways if anyone reads this far halwyr‘s pesterchum handle is thoroughTechnologist (i was in a hurry coming up with it at the time and it’s long since too late now so don’t @ me) so if you’re ever in the mood for rp I’m online sometimes (I’m afk a lot though so i might not respond)

i'm sleep deprived as fuck sorry if this makes zero sense or if i contradicted myself i wrote this in two sittings

[sickknotdoom]

Barry’s schizophrenia is very poorly written, as someone who was diagnosed as being schizophrenic, I just find he doesn’t even fit the profile of most schizophrenic cases. He is a successful college student, apparently , prior to the comic. Bear in mind the profile of an acute schizophrenic case Involves a very sharp decline in functioning and reasoning skills, the only thing I really see in Barry’s features of schizophrenia is his argumentative and agitated state he typically is in. Maybe his obsession with forcibly grounding himself in reality?

He has no disorganized speech or other negative symptoms that most profiles have, no alogia, hygiene is never commented on, his other symptoms aren’t realistic either (most schizophrenics are either deeply paranoid and delusional in an acute phase of psychosis. or have running dialogue , amongst other auditory hallucinations, visual hallucinations are possible of course but also the way his are written seem very… unrealistic. Most other psychotic people I know (actually diagnosed, not self diagnosed) tend to be excessively paranoid, as am I. I don’t recognize anything that screams psychosis or schizophrenia in this character

The fact that he is autistic also? Yes you can have both it’s just uncommon (most autism cases are hard to distinguish from schizophrenia, these two are notoriously difficult to diagnose in one single person due to the similarities between the disorders, thus most will autistics suffering from schizophrenia symptoms will receive a diagnosis of “psychotic disorder NOS” alongside the autism label)

Also to clarify I’m a fan of the comic and I have nothing against the authors, they seem like decent people but they cannot take criticism at all whatsoever

im not schizophrenic but i am autistic and yeah barrys writing feels really inaccurate to reality based on my experience and the experiences of those close to me, he doesnt show any common autistic traits either besides Really Liking Science, its like they just slap the neurodivergent label on characters they dont wanna acknowledge the faults of

[babyspacebatclone]

I made a comment yesterday about Catra from SPoP having a lot of the same traumas as my brother.

It reminded me of something.

I babble, so the story is below the cut.

But it exactly describes why I, personally, am unsatisfied with the “closure” shown in canon in regards to Catra having a healthy relationship with Adora - any kind of relationship - with the state of self-awareness she ends the series on.

TL;DR:

If my brother interprets something innocent I say as an “attack” on him, there is no winning for me to try and change his mind.

Having a third party attempt to change his mind is most likely to just add to his trauma of me being the “golden child” growing up, which I’ll discuss at the end of the post below.

And my brother interpreting statements from other people, not just me, as a personal attack is not an unexpected occurrence.

Link to a different example that expands on the kinds of things he’ll get into this state over….

I’ll start that my younger brother’s and my history of emotional abuse from a parent figure (our biodad) is many order of magnitudes below Catra’s and Adora’s. And this is not an “obvious” statement if you don’t know me, because sadly there are examples of child abuse out there to be found that surpass Shadow Weaver….

Nevertheless, we very much developed very similar trauma responses and issues: I was the “golden child,” someone who tends to be submissive and helpful as a temperament, lucky enough to find things like school easy; my brother struggled more with his anger, school, and in general just about everything I seemed to be good at.

Even as a teenager (around 16), I could clearly see a dynamic of “I get more positive attention, he gets more attention.”

I don’t know if it’s personality or trauma based on his part, but I also used to have a “joke” about our belongings: “What’s mine is ours and what’s his I don’t touch.”

Both sides of that were dictated by him.

Nevertheless, I always viewed my responsibility as both the oldest child and “one who had it easier” (like, 10 out of 100 is higher than 5 out of 100….) to take care of and protect him, and it wasn’t until we were about 14 and 16 respectively I started to resent that.

I’d resent how he treated me, sure, but I’d always recognized a lot of his behavior problems were my father’s fault.

Speaking of my father, there’s definitely cycles of abuse here; I never wanted nor could have handled the details, but him being raised by first generation German immigrants and then entering the Canadian Air Force gives me things to suspect.

I also cut ties with him at 24; my brother when he was kicked out of the house by him at 17.

(very very long story; we were living with him after the divorce until Mom could get on her feet)

Anyway…..

We’re now both 40+. In many ways, our relationship has improved - we’re the only ones we’re comfortable with discussing we’re Queer within the family, for example - and he definitely wishes we were closer friends.

In the past few years, I’m slowly losing the guilt over me not feeling the same way.

This is the perfect example why.

It was 2019, my brother was early into a new romantic relationship , and Episode 9 of Star Wars was coming out.

My brother was really excited that me and his then-girlfriend were bonding over both being geeks, and he excitedly invited me to go to an advanced showing of The Rise of Starwalker that was happening in a nearby town.

I had very little interest in actually seeing the movie, and am an Autistic Introvert to his Autistic Extrovert, so none of this really sounded like “fun” to me.

But he was excited, and as sibling outings go didn’t sound painful.

So I put on my big-girl big-sister pants on and agreed.

Something with my family is that the person in charge of an outing drives - which is 100% a control thing, and functionally means if you can’t justify driving yourself my mom or my brother (depending on if she’s involved) is picking you up.

(despite not meeting him until I was 22, my step-father and I are exceptionally similar and neither of us rock the boat there)

Once I finally got a driver’s license at 35, I started to hate this system, but again it’s rarely actually painful and thus not worth making a deal over.

Anyway, on the day my brother comes to pick me up. I technically knew he was picking me up first and then we were going to his girlfriend’s new place, but I hadn’t quite processed that this was a short visit and not just her jumping into the car.

So I got into the back seat so she could ride shotgun when we got to her.

My brother found this hilarious (or maybe was pretending to? idk with him…) and teased me for not getting up front with him.

I work as a daycare teacher, and at that time it probably had been only a month since a lead teacher hd come back from maternity leave, and trying to cover her duties for several months had almost - and I am serious here - broken me.

I remember it taking almost 30 seconds for me to understand what the problem was, and when I did I did not want to have to deal with him laughing at me over something so stupid.

So I said something along the lines of “Opps, sorry, braindead, tired from work.”

I need to emphasize:

All I said was that I was tired and blamed my work.

In response, my brother gave me a cptsd flashback.

I was being shouted at, being told I don’t appreciate how tired he is after his - and he’s right here - physically intensive job, do I appreciate anything….

When confronted with something that reminds me of one of my biological father’s outbursts, I immediately drop into “freeze” out of “fight, flight, freeze, fawn.”

I did not understand why he had taken my statement as a direct attack on him, but he had, this was happening, and there was nothing I would be able to do to stop it.

I sat there, silently crying, waiting to be ordered out of his car because I physically could not move until I was given that.

To my complete shock he got silent…

And started the car.

I felt like I was in a parallel universe.

The raw rage was still radiating off my brother, but somehow he had chosen to drive to his then-girlfriend’s place as planned.

I don’t think I was able to give her the full story, but once I basically said I’d upset him she ripped into him for making me cry.

Kinda wish she hadn’t been such a flake in just about every other regard; a girl needs a strong backbone to survive my brother.

After he’d been calmed down, we were back in his car and driving to the movie theatre half an hour away.

By the time we got there my brother was back to his happy excited persona, very very proud that he had thought of such a cool thing for his two geeky girls to do, and the fact it ended up with us seeing Rise of Starwalker didn’t dampen it.

(I shall say I was not impressed with directions taken in the movie, and my overall impressions are shared by specific segments of Star Wars fans)

However…

I never stopped being upset by the entire thing - specifically, that while my brother had apologized for shouting at me, he never apologized for why he had shouted at me.

And as I said at the top of this post, there is no winning if I were the one to try and bring up how hurtful that had been.

I’d either set him off on the entire “you don’t appreciate me!” thing and, ya know?

No, I didn’t appreciate much about this entire endeavor, I was doing it entirely as a favor to you so you could have a fun night out with me on your terms.

Just because you spend a lot of energy doing something you think someone else is going to enjoy, doesn’t automatically force them into actually liking what you are doing.

Sometimes, you have to do a bit of calculus, and figure out mental energy put in versus mental drain during activity versus outcome, and pick things that have a low net loss in order to be a nice decent human being.

Doesn’t mean it’s still not a net loss.

Having a third party explain to my brother he completely flipped over nothing and not every statement about my life being hard means his suffering is invalidated is thin ice too.

Because that’s exactly what had happened.

The only way my brother can feel secure that his needs will be met is if his suffering is acknowledged as the worse, and therefore will be prioritized.

Just like my biological father’s suffering always had to be prioritized.

Just like I learned somewhere early in elementary school that I had to hide my suffering, because entering into the arena of “who needs attention more?” would only end with more trauma for me.

Just like I learned I had to be satisfied with the positive attention people gave me for doing things they thought were worthy, but also not being a “show off” and actually seek out attention because that made me a bad person.

Because I got the most positive attention.

And my brother got the most attention.

And I understand my brother’s traumas.

And the fact he tried to fix things for me by not canceling our event, does show that he does try and improve things, he does know he’s hurting me.

But I can’t think of how explaining “punishing your sister for you mistaking neutral statements for personal attacks” to him is going to be helpful

unless it’s done by a professional.

And I can’t be involved in it in any way, or else it just quite naturally is going to just add to the existing resentment that neither of us could prevent happening when we were children.

Because, yeah, it’s shitty to realize you’re hurting someone you love because of your mistakes.

It’s not something people want to have to admit.

But both our work schedules got super packed due to COVID.

And I haven’t had a “brother led” activity since.

And I don’t fucking ever want to again.

And I still feel guilty about that.

But a fuck ton less than I did in 2021.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Have you ever considered that in your extreme desire to be into men you might actually be into men as well as women? Idk it’s not shameful or anything. A lot of women like men. A fair deal of em like women. Some even like both.

I am just some dude that saw this but I have never once in my storied life seen a lesbian hate being a lesbian so much while also running a blog that shows so much women-inclined imagery. You need to step away from the keyboard and figure yourself out because you’re the most confounded lesbian I’ve ever met.

I appreciate you taking the time to write this and reach out with advice, that was super kind of you! And I can see how you would have reached that conclusion.

But I’m pretty certain in my lesbianism. I wouldn’t have a problem if I discovered I was bisexual - but I’m like 100% certain that’s not going to happen.

In terms of my internalised homophobia, I just genuinely have a lot of trauma surrounding my sexuality and because of things that have happened to me from it I have been diagnosed with PTSD. So it’s hard sometimes when something that is my personhood is also something that’s triggering for me , because I can’t really remove myself from that situation. And seeing the lives that those straight people around me get to experience can make me feel very envious at times. Not to be too TMI but I feel like this is an important thing to say, after recently having sex for the first time I can say for sure I am extremely sexually attracted to women and would be sick at the thought of doing that with a man - not because I hate men but because I’m just not attracted to them. Me having a breakdown and mental health spiral after those events doesn’t really detract from that I don’t think, because it came from a place of internalised homophobia and PTSD.

And OCD can be really confusing for some people, so I don’t fault you at all if you didn’t understand what I meant by that. And I won’t go into super great detail because it might upset me, but essentially it involves me getting a lot of intrusive thoughts and doubts on things that hold no logic or value to my life and make me fear and question myself and doubt my own understanding of who I am. And I find that very distressing at times. So putting all that together I’m not SURPRISED I am having the reaction I am (especially given it’s this time of year too and it’s my most common time for ending up at a mental health inpatient program at hospitals).

So I’m definitely a lesbian. And there are times I do feel a lot of pride and self acceptance around it. And I enjoy sharing parts of our history and reading fiction about it and engaging with others like me. But there are also times where my mind is rather mean to me, and makes having those good feelings really hard and confusing.

In all honesty , and I truly mean no disrespect when I say this, I think these feelings are ones that might only make sense to other gay people, because it’s a very specific set of circumstances that leads us here. So it’s okay if you don’t understand it. But thank you again so much for popping in, I hope you have a nice day ☺️💫

[funkymbtifiction]

How do you improve inferior Si? Being an ENFP and all? I feel like I suck when it comes to having friendships in the sense of I see things through rose colored glasses. Like I’ll meet someone and start imagining us as lovers or best friends. Or idealizing a whole new life together. And like I’ll meet a person and then we have a friendship but then like it seems they let me down in some way; they do something that goes against my values or they don’t seem interested in the friendship. And I blame myself or wonder if I’m right.

It's normal for ENPs to leap ahead in a relationship on an emotional and intuitive level and create a fantasy world around another person, but solving it involves learning to set reasonable expectations -- to catch yourself fantasizing and creating a fake version of that person in your mind to react to/against. Part of this happens naturally as an ENP gets older and realizes that life rarely fits their expectations. But you can help it along by pausing whenever you start leaping ahead and asking yourself if these dreams are realistic, how much you know about a person, etc. It's important to see the big picture -- what are they dealing with, who are they, what's their life like? How much can I realistically expect from them and offer them in return?

One thing that's necessaryy to develop is the realization that another person is never going to complete you, be perfect, or believe all the things that you do. It's unrealistic to expect that -- so you have to meet people where they are and allow them to surprise you. Some of them will stick around, others won't. Some will be reliable, others won't. Some will be into you, others won't. You cannot control what others do, only how you respond to situations as they arise.

As to whether it's your fault or not -- that depends on the kinds of feedback you are getting from people. If they don't want to stick around, is there a common reason why? If so, is that something you can work on? Self-evaluation is good for developing better people skills, but there's also the fact that people can't help who they like or dislike and not everyone is going to want to be your friend, any more than you might not be interested in being someone else's friend.

I also feel like my inferior Si sucks when it comes to sports cuz it’s very noticeable. When the sports teacher will show how to do something and everyone gets it right the first time around and then I’m the one to mess it up and it sucks because it’s like I saw it, right? But then in actuality, I couldn’t really do it. Like my body wasn’t able to perform it in that manner. I know what to do; my body just won’t respond in that way, it doesn’t flow that way if that makes sense. Anyways how do you improve inferior Si?

Yeah, there's not much you can do about that, except learn to carefully observe, pay attention, and copy other people as exactly as you can. With sensory-related activities, you will need to practice a lot harder and with more precision than sensing types, because you are not in touch with your body and what it can do, and may also have Ne-ish false beliefs about what you're capable of ('oh, I will naturally be good at this!').

[clairefinch4144]

I feel like this week I’ve been trying to prioritize my self care more because I’ve been trying to focus on my academics and mental health. I’ve done this by taking a step back from things that I’ve been overly involved in. I am trying to look at the positives but I kind of got a not so great midterm score today so I’m feeling even more stressed but on the other hand I also got a good midterm score for my other class. So instead of focusing on the bad I’m going to try to focus on the good. Anyways in terms of mental health I am feeling quite stressed but that’s simply because I'm feeling very behind. Honestly, it’s my own fault because last night I had a bunch of plans to do a lot of different work that I need to get done but I accidentally fell asleep at 10 o’clock. Although I ended up getting 10 hours asleep, I also lost 10 hours of catch-up time. Since trying to prioritize things like mental health, sleep and academics over my other commitments, I’m realizing now more than ever that these are things that I need to do in order to feel good in my life. So, even though I do not have a lot of time today, and I need to write an essay, study for two quizzes that are both on Thursday and Friday, and turn in assignments, I will be going on a run because running always clears my mind and always makes me feel better. I know that right now I feel like a run is the last thing I want to go on but it’s definitely the one thing that would make me feel like I’m not throwing up from anxiety. Furthermore, I swear I never used to cry like this before but now I swear I’m crying at least once a day. Maybe that’s an over share but that’s truly how it’s been. I do really appreciate the network of people that have been a part of my life lately and how much they are really helping me prioritize myself and my mental health. Furthermore, how they are really helping me through the stress of this quarter. I also am really grateful for my family because I’ve been able to talk to them this week and hear from them. It’s really good to catch up with him because I have really missed him since being here and since my mom travels so much it’s difficult to find a time when we’re both available. I think the goals for me this week is to call my brother because I haven’t spoken to him since August so it would be nice to catch up with him. Number two call my father to see how he’s doing because I haven’t spoken to him in a few weeks now too. Also, this weekend I really want to go spend time with my friends who live in the transfer dorms and spend one calm afternoon but I don’t know if it would be possible but I really hope so. One of my friends in the transfer dorms is a runner so I hope that we can go to run this weekend and go get some yogurt after. all in all, even though this week was very emotionally exhausting and super overwhelming, I feel like it has really made me realize how grateful I am for the people I have in my life.

[alyjojo]

Love Reading 🦥 - September 2023 - Capricorn

Singles:

Overall energy: Wheel of Fortune

How you will meet: 7 Wands

How they will treat you: Ace of Cups rev

Long-term Potential: The Lovers

Oracle:

Camera 📸

- Reminiscing

- Making memories

- Learn from the past

- Perception

Healthy Choices 🥬

- Self-love & Self-care

- Being happier

- Love & Life

I’m dying over here 🤣 Just the first few cards, you have to have known this person for some time, because there is a separation time period between you, and growth & change in that time apart. You do NOT like this person when you first meet them, and they do not like you either 💯 I heard “witcho stupid head ass” and about choked laughing. That was unexpected. You could meet through friends, or are in different social groups or something like that. One of you finds the other to be incredibly arrogant, bossy, full of themselves and on an ego trip basically. 9 Wands could show you being mean to their friend or saying something that hurts them, like they have a reason to not like you first.

How they treat you is “nope”, missing an opportunity that never existed in their mind, one or both of you could be already involved or in love with other people, and those are genuine connections, soulmates even. This could be a very strange Twin connection, those cards haven’t come out anywhere, so maybe not, but it feels like a long time you’re both elsewhere, in love, happy, doing you separately. Long term is The Lovers, Judgement, and Ace of Wands. Pure passion, soulmates, twins, whatever you are, Wheel of Fortune shows divine timing, a meant to be separation, a growth period, and this is your person 💯 Their cards show “they always knew”, but at what point? Not sure. The messages show what this will be, and it’s a beautiful thing. Guess yo stupid head ass is doing something right 🤣🤣🤣 I’m done.

Messages -

Their side:

- I KNEW the moment I met you.

- New Beginning

Your side:

- I am ENTRANCED by you 😵‍💫

- You are my best friend.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Leo, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces & Sagittarius

Couples:

Overall energy: Knight of Wands

Current: Ace of Swords

Challenge: Ace of Pentacles

How they feel about you: Ace of Cups

How you feel about them: Queen of Wands & 7 Wands

Outcome: The Hanged Man & Page of Pentacles

Okay this one is kinda confusing, because there are a lot of people here and I’m not sure which of these the reading is actually for. Three stories here. The first is dealing with an ex spouse or partner…and a new one. The second has rushed into love to now realize this isn’t who they really are, but no outside people are involved. The third is you and your partner dealing with outside people that cause conflict between you, particularly parents, more specifically, a mother.

The first and second stories are similar, you rushed into a very loving connection with a very loving person in the past, or the one you’re with now either/or. There are very deep emotions on both sides, you see each other as soulmates, King & Queen of Cups. That may be true even if it’s not working, I do get a sense of this WAS your person, that was genuine. But now, either you’re realizing that you’ve changed inside, possibly grown up if you were young at the time, or have met someone else that makes you feel like more of yourself. You feel that you’ve outgrown this first connection, in either story.

For the parents, Mom could be very supportive and Dad is more concerned with the truth, the reality of your situation, and all of the things you can’t and don’t see, being blinded to love and all of that. He’s trying to talk “sense” into you, and in this story, it hurts deeply to be separated from your mother, or you feel like this new love is dragging you away from family, or they already have. For some, you had to due to conflicts, but it’s made you deeply unhappy to be alone, without support, your fault or not. It’s possible there’s been a loss or an illness to trigger these feelings now, if this was all in the past.

The challenge in either partner story is that no real potential to heal has been reached or attempted because you’ve never spent time alone. A dark night of the soul could be necessary with The Hermit, and possibly triggered by a mother, an ex, your new person, a past you now see clearly, an illness and circumstances surrounding that, maybe even being a parent yourself makes you realize things you never did before. Ace of Swords can simply be the lightbulb in your head having a “eureka!” moment, and you suddenly understand a lot of feelings you’ve been confused about or pushing deep deep down.

I’m getting you are more of the King energy in the partner stories, could be wrong, but either way it’s like you’ve swapped faces with people. With the Queen of Cups, you were King of Cups, it’s something you rushed into with enthusiasm and excitement…FAST. Now you’re realizing you’re more of a King of Pentacles with this Queen of Wands, that’s the reality, you’re more focused on work, stability, the long term. These all could be the same people just 10-50 years later, you’re realizing you’ve changed. Grown into yourself. Your “person” (whoever comes out here as your person anyway) is upset and defensive at this “change” you’re suddenly making to jump into a whole new situation, with a whole new person in some cases. They see you at a new beginning in love, being excited like a child, and that’s it, some part of life is over, The World. The situation is different for everyone.

You have every Ace here except Wands. That’s good, except Pentacles is your challenge. Real. Substance. Something to build on. The thing this King of Pentacles plants, grows, and cultivates for the long term 10 Pentacles. It’s all about the NEW, the NEW, the NEW, and then tomorrow you’re NEW. You’re not who you were yesterday and can’t answer for that. There’s a vibe of you not really meaning what you say or do, it’s all an impulsive & spontaneous Knight of Wands energy that can/will change tomorrow if you decide you’ve changed. And then see ya, whoever knew me as Cups. Or Swords. Or Pentacles. A person of many faces, is the conflict with your partner, parents, ex, etc. Who even are you? On some level, this is saying they’re right, because of the dark night challenge here having not been faced yet. Because of your messages, maybe you recently have, and you’re looking over old experiences and realizing how much you’ve really changed - The Butterfly.

Outcome for mid-Oct is wanting to apologize for leaving things and people behind, 9 Swords energy of mental stress and anguish, sleepless nights and worry, and any Towers that have been caused. Because of this energy, Wise Spirit, and Ace of Swords, I’m not sure what avenue this comes by, but many of you are receiving spiritual downloads and messages that are like WAKE UP, and then you do, because you have to. Very intense energy. For those not yet in dark night energy, you may have waited and planned on making an “escape” only to realize you brought down a whole Tower, for a family, possibly children involved, for an ex or parents, at some point for yourself too. Some of you have realized with this wake up call that where you are isn’t where you want to be. And others of you are racing as far away from this contemplative “substance building” Hermit energy as you possibly can - that’s why it’s the challenge. Or maybe your person is, because you have Wise Spirit here. Soul Mates comes out with the oracles, and I’m not sure who that actually is in this reading. It’s possible you’re deciding that it’s no one, or it was someone else, or that you chameleon to whoever you’re with and don’t actually have one yet. I do see this Cups person as having been one, at one time, but you were different then and that wouldn’t apply anymore anyway. Who are you now? In this space, how you feel is King of Pentacles, which is more your lane. And then who is the counterpart to that person, what does that person need to be to make you happy? There’s a Queen of Wands here, could be a particular person that you can feel more like yourself with, or “the lover” with no real identity or definition in your life yet, and you’re trying to figure that out. Doesn’t have to be signs, just energy, I get this reading being more about you, and whatever it is that you want & need. The real you, and all of the sides and aspects of that person, good and bad. Finally? Some of you have avoided yourself for a long time.

Messages -

Their side:

- I don’t want anyone else.

- I don’t know how to tell you how I feel.

Your side:

- Wise Spirit

- Darker skin tone

Oracles -

The Butterfly 🦋

- Evolving & Growth

- Next phase

- Healing inner child

- Releasing the past

Soulmates 🫂

- Soul connection

- Partnership

- Soul contract

- Life partner

Signs you may be dealing with:

Every sign, heavy water 💦 especially Pisces

[marthabeingmartha]

When was the last time you felt a real connection with someone?

This morning. Making the realization that my friends are not just friends, but my “relatives.”

I avoid the phrase “my friends are my family <3.” It’s really overused and when I use it, it really just does not roll off the tongue.

Prior to my parents divorce, I would say “blood is thicker than water.” Keep in mind, I’m an only child (maybe a contributing factor in my ability to be incredibly self absorbed.) My parents are all I had, they moved like 7 hours away after I graduated from highschool. My roommates were related, and I was isolated.

We were a tight knit family. We laughed a lot. I was adored and cared for by both parents. Yes, I can look back in hindsight at some things I normalized, that were not normal at all. Comments made, that should have never been uttered. Yet, I grew up in a very privledge way, I had stability, support when I needed it, two people pushing me to excel in academics and extracurriculars. Unlike most, I had a father who repeatedly explained to me what you should never tolerate from a man in a relationship, my mom has given me the distinct gift of loving to read/thinking of reading an act of leisure, they laughed A LOT (I remember thinking that laughter in a marriage is something I couldn’t live without), and I was let known often that I was loved by both of them. I was extremely fortunate.

They did have where they were not always right, or in a position to comment on certain things. Such comments are long lasting, and feel as though, are branded onto my body, defining me. In my case, this particular comment(s) and my parents encouragement to excel in my life, I became intense. I still am. It is a double edged sword.

I never saw them as deeply flawed people until I watched them undergo an extremely ugly divorce. It was my father’s infidelity that broke us as a family, and then, his inability to admit to his actions (really stuck to the Irish Roman Catholic value, which equates to sweeping it under the rug); despite the fact, I saw text message,which he even knew then. Really stuck to his story, he told me once about this to this day. It took me a year to forgive him.

Moreover, my mom is no mother Teresa. Certain comments made were made in a meticulously phrased manner that have stuck with to this day.

Both of them have new lives. In some ways, it was like I was not their daughter. They were there for something heinous that occurred several years ago and it involved going to court. Once THAT ended, they quickly dispersed. Almost as quickly as they had arrived. When you are half way through your life, the idea of “starting over” is terrifying and I do not fault them for that. I don’t fault them for their new lives, or their sudden lack of interest in mine. Seeing them in a new setting with a new partner is so foreign to me, however, the most unsettling thing regarding this whole thing is how little they want me to participate in their lives. Negating 25 years of their life is easier than facing the reality of a failure of a marriage. A discovery, my dad was an alcoholic at the age of 20. An epiphany, rather, the harsh reality that my mom was opposed to the notion of me before I existed.

Granted, they are severely technologically impaired, so the relationships I have now are much easier with their understanding of an iPhone. Prioritizing my friends has created such a different attitude when it comes to friendship.

To answer your question, I told my friend to go to the Dr this morning and in an odd way, that minor interaction was an act of love and genuine concern. I root for people that I love; instead, of feeling as though life was one big competition.

Maybe one day I will completely cut them out, but not today. I will admit, I do miss the closeness of our family and the memories of the past.

Bottles hidden under the garage stairs, the early bedtimes, and all the prescriptions under the sink genuinely make me curious how much of my life that my dad was there for. My mother’s “mistakes” make me think, and hurt. But love is all around me with the relationships I have cultivated in the years after the divorce. A bond I have had since 7th grade and one that is a newish several year friendship have provided me with love, encouragement, and even the truth- even when it’s the last thing I want to hear; especially, when I’m wrong.

My boyfriend has seen the good, bad, and the ugly between all of us (my parents, and I). He’s heard some ugly exchanges, and childish behavior on both sides. Yet, has remained a kind, sincere, and loving presence. And I couldn’t be happier. There are more friends, but these are the ones I consider to be most valuable.

[eunivrse]

ASMR (V) eren jaeger

# multi. aot characters / reader

─ you’d think crossing paths with the person who owns the voice you fuck yourself to almost every night would nearly be impossible, but then again, life is full of surprises.

chapter summary: you’ve spent the past week sulking about what was revealed to you. that is, until eren sent you a message.

content warning: creampie, smut, twitter porn account, dirty talking, pussy slapping, squirting

word count: 4.2k

series m.list | next chapter

The information Eren provided for you about Armin keeps crawling back into your mind like a leech. It’s been over a week; you’ve locked yourself up in your room, refusing to go out with your friends like you usually do. Everyday, it’s become a routine of going to classes then straight to the apartment.

Annie’s even tried comforting you — which is unheard of — but you couldn’t look at her eye to eye. It seems that she doesn’t know that Armin approached you the other night. Maybe that really was just the extent of their relationship. Having sex a few times and earning money from it.

You don’t feel any resentment for her nor Armin. It’s no one’s fault but yours. You overstepped your boundaries by trying to pry into his business and this is your consequence.

You got Euphoria’s attention (though you didn’t intend for it to escalate that fast) but at what cost?

To make matters worse, you couldn’t even fuck yourself to cope. Everytime you try getting yourself off, the image of Armin pops into your head as if your brain is conditioned to think about him as soon as your fingers go under the fabric of your underwear. Listening to Euphoria was out of the question too, though even if you wanted to, you can’t, because he hasn’t been posting at all for the past week.

No announcement of going on hiatus or anything. He just disappeared. People on the internet are already freaking out, knowing well that Euphoria is very consistent with posting daily and if he didn’t, he’d say something about it.

And it’s not like you know Armin’s whereabouts. You have a class close to his, but it’s seldom you run across each other, nor do you bother to look around who’s walking near you as you go out of your class.

Eren hasn’t contacted you either. You didn’t expect much from him anyways, so you let him go before you get yourself hurt.

Staring at the raggedy ceiling of your bedroom, you sighed, rolling to your side and staring at the windowsill, the lace curtain you scored from thrifting flowing with the wind that wafted past your room since you opened your window a few hours ago to get some sort of fresh air. You’re alone again, Annie going out to run some errands.

Your phone dinged around twice and you wanted to ignore it, but your hands were itching to do something as all you’ve done all day so far was flop around your bed despite it being way past noon. With the loss of self control, you grabbed your phone from under the pillow and took a look at who cared enough to contact you on a Saturday.

How surprising.

Eren Jaeger.

’come over.’

With the second message being his location, his dorm.

You squinted in annoyance at his message.

‘damn not even a hello?’

He responds. ’hello.’

’come over?’

He was persistent, it seems unreal. It’s usually the other way around.

One part of you is telling you to ignore him, but another part of you already got you on your feet, rummaging through your closet for some fresh clothes to get ready to see Eren.

For some reason, there’s something about him that draws you in. That’s about the same for everyone else he’s involved with. You’ve refused to hang out with Reiner and Pieck all week, yet you’re going out of your way to see him?

It felt a little unfair, almost selfish, but before you knew it, you were already outside your place and on the way to Eren’s dorm.

---

You barely even knocked and Eren swung the door open, grabbing your wrist, and dragging you straight to his bedroom. For a male’s dorm, his room smelled of marshmallows, it’s quite pleasant and surprising since his bedroom from his parents’ house reeked of old men’s perfume and weed.

You stayed quiet as he plopped himself on his gaming chair, typing away as he pulled up twitter, going on his profile, then clicking on the little film you consented for him to upload for thousands of people to see publicly.

Thumbnail was Eren’s fingers in your pussy, his head buried in between your breasts, though his face was covered by his tangled hair. Every second of your time with him then was still so vivid, it really was one of the best sex you’ve ever had, but you were soon distracted when you saw the view count.

2 million views, 45,000 likes, and 2000 retweets.

Comments such as, ’this was so fucking hot, me n who??’ and single people sobbing in the comment section gave you some sort of peace, some sort of validation.

Eyes blown open, you turned your head to look at Eren, who has the dumbest smug look on his face. Hair tied up on a loose bun, you kept switching your gaze from the computer screen to Eren like you’re looking at a hallucination.

“Oh… my god???” Both palms covering your mouth to hide your squeal, Eren got on his feet and embraced you, his arms tightly wrapped around you.

He gave the top of your head mini pecks, his body hopping up and down in excitement. “I told you, I told you! You were amazing, babe. They fucking love you!” For the first time in days, you’ve felt intimacy and comfort, which is quite ironic considering how it’s Eren making you feel this way. You returned his hug, hands clasped around his back and locked him in against you, chest to chest.

“Eren… why couldn’t you have just texted this?” You laugh, attempting to shove him off, but fail as his strong arms keep you in place. You were glad he called you over, but he must have something planned in the back of his mind.

He detaches himself from you by pushing you off by the arms, keeping his hands on the pads of your shoulders. “‘Cus… I wanna give you a reward.”

“Reward?”

“Yeah… whatever you want, baby. Sex? Lunch? I gotchu.” It was silent for a few seconds. The pleasant smell of marshmallows seeped through your nose and led you to realize that you haven’t eaten all day.

A smirk twitched your lips upwards. “What about both?”

---

The sun was at its course of setting, featherlight colors of orange and pink painting the sky. Though does that really matter? All you could focus on was Eren drooling all over your cunt, tongue playing with your clit while you held a grip on his hair.

Eren is the embodiment of the word menace. He’s fucking relentless, he’d start a whole conversation with you in between licks on your pussy and he expects you to answer them, because if you don’t, he’d slap your cunt to make you speak up.

“So how was the food earlier, babe?” He asks, peeking his head up slightly. You see your slick all over his mouth, hair strands sticking on his perspired forehead.

Stammering, your voice wrenched out, “I-um… ah- it was good… ‘loved it.” You had Chinese takeout for lunch, making sure you took advantage of Eren’s wallet. Maybe this is why he’s doing this to you, but you didn’t mind.

You literally filmed a sex tape with him in within the first few times you met him, at this point, you might as well let him shove his tongue in your asshole.

He groans in refreshment, spitting at your pussy before chuckling. “Yeah? I’m glad you did because I’m enjoying my meal right now. ‘Didn’t want you to feel left out or anything.” He uses his palm to spread his saliva all over your folds, giving it two smacks before slurping on the area where your clit is.

“Eren…” You peeped up a little by propping yourself on the elbows to get a better view of Eren, his eyes glinted in fascination, forearms wrapped around your thighs to keep your legs apart, he truly knows how to make someone fall for him even after being aware that his generosity is simply just superficial.

He doesn’t care about you, you thought.

He’s only doing this because you got him more online attention, is what you kept telling yourself to prevent having any intimate feelings for him.

Two fingers lingered around your hole, then you eventually felt it digging in you slowly. You honestly should’ve seen it coming, but you fooled yourself into thinking that Eren would be gentle. Calloused fingers gliding in and out of your hole, your fingers curling on his hair and pulling on it, you scream, “Eren— I swear, baby, I think— hah- ‘gonna make a mess-“ Not a word made sense, but he understood.

He looks up and swallows, “Oh yeah? I wanna see it, pretty.”

His fingers must’ve fucking pressed on your bladder or something because as soon as he curved his fingers upwards, you were gushing — yeah, it really was a mess. Clear stream of fluid ejected from your cunt and straight to Eren’s lips. That didn’t stop him from keeping his mouth attached to your pussy, tongue sliding up and down the slit as it grazed your hole.

In between deep breaths, you managed to huff out, “Eren… oh my god…” while he hovered over your figure, green eyes staring at you and noticing the tear gathering on the corner of your left eye.

“Crying? Babe.” He jeers, almost like he’s mocking you. It’s demeaning, letting this man take advantage of you, but you’re so drawn to him like how a mouse is to a meager crumb of bread crust.

You cupped his cheeks, pulling him down closer to your face. “It wasn’t on purpose, dumbass. Don’t get too cocky.” A soft kiss of his planted on your lips, you took a hold of a chunk of his luscious hair, drawing him closer to you as he wiped your tear with his thumb.

He discarded his shirt off his body, your pupils dilating at the sight in front of you as he stood up on the mattress to remove his pants. This wasn’t the first time you’re seeing Eren naked, but he never fails to make your mouth frothing with saliva, mind blank with no thoughts besides wanting to be fucked dumb.

The sun was now shining directly through your window, clementine overtones casting towards the dim room you’re in. Eren kneeled in between your legs, half his body shone with a bright tinge of orange before he placed his arms beside your shoulders, his face just right above yours.

You reached down to wrap your palm around his cock, it was throbbing, your thumb rubbing the thick precum that coats the tip. It’s as if he’s been holding back the whole time, giving you all the pleasure he can grant while his pants constricted.

Eren uttered. “You make me go fucking crazy.” pressing a quick kiss on the corner of your mouth, then flipping you over and holding your waist to position you on all fours.

Despite being deprived of your sight of him, you could hear small grunts from behind you. He was jerking himself off, prepping his cock to be shoved in you.

Crouching over the frame of your body, he croaked. “Gonna let me cum inside you again, hm?” you did nothing but nod in a weak manner, you were so needy.

“Mhm…”

When his tip went past your hole, you were already babbling, faint moans and praises of how good he felt faltering your lips. Eren is thick, you could feel the pleasurable burn as he inched his way inside you, completely stretching you out as he dipped his way til you could feel his balls swing against your clit.

Eren squeezed the meat of your hips before pushing you out until it’s only his tip poked in between your folds, then pulling you back in, your ass hitting his abdomen, cock curved up against your tight cunt. Your hands were searching for something to grab on, gripping onto the dark sheets of his mattress to keep yourself still.

He chuckles with a taunting tone when he realizes you stopped with your cheeky little comments and instead are trying to get yourself off by throwing it back on him. “Fuck, that hit the spot, didn’t it?”

“Yes, yes- Eren— ah!” It’s only been a few seconds, but you’re on the brink of choking on air by the way your breathing stutters at each stroke of his cock. Your face was against a pillow, an attempt to muffle your moans as you know well how gaunt these walls are.

A trail of liquid was visible on your inner thigh, trickling onto the bed as Eren managed to fuck himself deeper, your body shuddering from the feeling of his cock dragging on your walls, your pussy clamping up against him.

“Fuck me hard, Eren- ah— please.” It was comical how desperate you sounded, you’ve never been like this, not even to Connie. If he hadn’t known better, he probably thought he was fucking a virgin, but that’s just the effect he has on everyone.

“Didn’t catch that. Can you say that again?” His hand went around your neck, pushing it back to remove your face from the soft pillow, your chin dribbling with saliva.

Your airways slightly constricted, you rasped, “Please… Eren? Harder please,” as you turned your head to face him, bottom lip jutted out in a pout. One of his hands pushed your head back down on the mattress, the other on your lower back, planting one of his feet on the bed as he stuffed his cockhead up enough to reach the spot that got your pussy fluttering and screams getting wilder.

His hold on your waist created a bruising pain on your hips, his cock coated with arousal as well as webs of it connecting the veins on his girth to your ass as he thrusted in and out. Your knees were giving out, little trembles making it evident that you were close.

“Oh god. Fuck, cum on my cock, babe. Yeah-“ He mutters, struggling to say something arrogant as his voice strained, the sound of your pussy plunging around his cock overpowering the jagged breathing emitted from both your throats.

With repeated chants of his name, your eyes squeezed shut, hands curled up on the sheets as you came, your lower stomach tightening, then loosening as the shock of your orgasm flowed throughout your body.

“Those twitter fuckers will never be able to feel how perfect your pussy is, hm? fuck, fuck, fuck—“

Eren is not too far off, his hands becoming slippery, sweat dripping down the tip of his nose and down to your back. His thrusts became intermittent, his dick pulsing and the wave of release about to overtake him. Hot white strings of thick release coated your cervix as he kept himself deep inside you, making sure you’re stuffed with his cum before pulling out, eyes fixed on how your pussy enclosed, small drops of his seed soiling his bed.

“Eren, you’re fucking insane.” You heave in between gasps as you recuperate, rolling down on the bed as you are too tired to do any more moving.

He followed next to you, pulling on his comforter to cover both of your bare bodies. “Gonna sleep over tonight?”

You scoff, laying on your side. “Nah, I gotta go back to my place before Annie thinks I died or something.”

“Why does it matter what she thinks? Just stay here.” He insists, your eyebrow raising in curiosity.

He chuckles nonchalantly, “I mean- you must be tired. I don’t mind if you stay for the night.”

“Uh, tempting, but I really gotta go. I’ll stay with you for a few more hours though, okay?” You have to draw the line before you start to feel something beyond fucking.

But this wasn’t too bad at all. Maybe Eren is just like this with every other person he messes with.

Eren nods, bumping foreheads with yours, giving you a kiss then mumbling, “You’re mine, babe.”

Only to find out that you already fell into slumber.

---

“You’ve been getting dick, haven’t you?” You almost choked on your granola bar as Annie blatantly asked you, who’s rummaging through the pantry for a bite.

Swallowing the slightly whole chunk of granola, along with a bit of your pride, you scoff, “What?” Your face plastered with a hint of surprise and slight irritation that she’s so blunt with her questions.

“I know you heard me.” Her face was blank, but tone tinged with curiosity.

Considering how Annie almost never brings up personal matters, much less ask about yours before you come up to her first, you felt a little flattered. Flattered that she’s comfortable enough to talk about relationships with you.

Because in the past, it was usually you gossiping your heart out while she ignored you.

You sighed through your nose, crossing your legs while you sat at the honey oak chair of your dainty dining table. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.” You're stalling because you’re not going to give away steam unless she does as well. Two can play at that game.

She pulled the chair, which was originally placed under the table and roughly sat down, nearly slamming her mug full of pure black coffee down.

“Hey. I’m trying to be nice because you’ve been weird for the past week… until like- now. You’re seeing someone, aren’t you? Connie, perhaps?” It’s impressive how stern her face looks, voice kept in a straight mood despite her being extremely nosy.

You secretly liked it though. “Fine. Since you’re basically begging on your knees right now, I’ll tell you. But you have to tell me what happened with you and Armin. Deal?”

“Yeah, yeah.” She groans, a slight chuckle departing your lips mischievously. You were curious about what really went down with her and Armin. Not being sure that this is the best way to approach the issue, but it sure is the best time to do it.

“Eren Jaeger.” It was the only words you said, but her expression screamed a huge ‘what the fuck,’ but as usual, it calmed back down to her resting face.

The epitome of a resting bitch face.

After taking a sip of her coffee, she placed her mug down, wiping her upper lip with the back of her hand. “Wow. Well- damn.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah. You two are similar after all.” That unbothered look on her complexion is driving the urge in you to slap it out of her.

You feigned a snort, jabbering at her with pure sarcasm. “Annie, has anyone ever told you how good of a comedian you’d be? ‘Cus you’re actually so fucking hilarious.” Palm slamming on the table, the stuff on it are starting to rattle, you honestly didn’t know why you were acting like an insane person right now.

Because in a way, Annie’s right.

You are similar to Eren, the way you prefer keeping everything at surface level, never letting anyone in your intimate bubble. It was just degrading to hear it from someone else.

Do you hate that she read you so accurately? Yes. But are you going to change anything about it? Probably not.

“Oh my god… you almost made me cry in laughter there.” You pretended to wipe a tear off your eye before speaking again. “Your turn, babe.”

Annie looked at you with pure disgust, the way you laughed like a maniac was terrifying to her. She kept her gaze of annoyance at you before she affirmed, “Me and Armin… hm. I thought I liked him, but he just helped me out a few times and it led me to believe we had something. Then we found out that we’re not right for each other in that way so we decided to stay as friends. That’s it.”

Maturity in ties with people is something you realize that Annie possesses and you don’t as much as it doesn’t show through her actions.

Relationships are meaningful to her, but the way you approach it is child-play. Though, you aren't hurting anyone by having fun, so why would you stop?

Annie has her own way of pursuing intimacy and you have your own.

“Woah that’s… really cool of you. I respect that.” You nod in favor, and she gives you one of her rare smiles.

---

It was around brunch time, you were about to take a shower and get ready for the day, your classes not until an hour from now, that is, until you heard a spam on your doorbell.

You swung the door open, revealing Reiner, Pieck, Porco, and Bertholdt. Of course they’re barging into your place again instead of meeting up at a place where they aren’t intruding on your personal space.

“You got dick lately, haven’t you.” Pieck wasn’t asking, she wanted confirmation.

“What? Why does everyone keep asking that?” You were pushed aside by Reiner as he forced himself inside, the rest following him. They all sat at the dining table as you scowled in annoyance. Though, you do owe them one after ignoring them for a whole week.

Pieck pinches your cheek, a huge grin drawn on her face. “You’re glowing, sweetheart. That’s the face of someone who’s recently gotten good dick.”

“You need to lay low on the smut once in a while, okay, Pieck?” Politely pushing her hand off you, you sighed, your oh-so-lovely visitors making themselves welcome in your place.

Annie came out of the shower, clothes on, with her hair wrapped with a towel. She was taken aback when she saw the other 4 in her home, but nothing surprises her anymore.

“What do you guys want this time?” Not like either of you mind, after all everyone is close here.

Reiner answers. “Nothing. It’s just been a while, since you know.” Everyone turns their head to you, implying that you’re to blame for them not being able to hang out.

“Oh my god. So it’s my fault? You couldn’t have just… hung out without me?”

“We did. It just didn’t feel the same.” Bertholdt shrugs, not elaborating anymore than what he said. It shut you up for sure.

“Oh.”

Porco yawns, “So who’d she sleep with, Annie?”

You darted a sharp glare towards Annie’s direction, a non-verbal connotation of ‘don’t you dare’, but when does Annie ever listen to you?

She glanced at you, then back at Porco, replying with a single word. “Jaeger.”

“Annie-“

Pieck nearly shrieked. “Like- Eren Jaeger, Jaeger?!??! My god. Was that why you were missing at the party?”

Everyone else was staring at you, as if you were stripped naked in front of them.

“… So what?” Not bothering to deny her since lying would only cause you more explaining.

You and Eren aren’t even dating, nor does he care if you tell others about your experience with him. It’s just the fact that you don’t want to seem obsessed. Obsessing over someone you aren’t even in a relationship with, especially openly, is something you’d rather not deal with.

People are cruel. Telling one person, even if it’s just Pieck, information will spread around yours and Eren’s circle. Sugarcoated stories will turn into complete lies, and before you know it, people you’ve never even met prior would be calling you a slut.

Maybe you should’ve weighed your repercussions when getting yourself involved with Eren, but you’d like to keep the drama to a minimum.

“What do you mean, ‘so what’? Tell us more about it, duh.” Reiner chimed in, all eyes on you, who’s standing just beside the table, Annie going to the fridge to give Porco the water he asked for beforehand.

Before you could even protest, your phone dinged.

Always with the timing, that man.

Eren.

’can you come over right now?’

He was being courteous this time, very unlike him, but you aren’t complaining.

’yes. i need a distraction. i’ll see you in a few.”

You ignored Reiner’s remark, already taking your shoes off the rack to get ready to go outside, disregarding the fact that you’re still wearing the clothes you wore to sleep.

“Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going?” Annie was holding onto the door as you were already out.

This whole thing is a mistake.

But Eren; might it be superficial, but he gives you temporary comfort. More than anyone else has these days.

“Jaeger’s.”

---

The door opened right away when you knocked. You entered, babbling your troubles away without even a simple greeting. “Ugh. You wouldn’t believe what I just had to go through.” Passing by the figure that welcomed you in, you threw your head back in relief that it’s finally quiet. You were finally free from your friends’ constant allegations and interrogation.

“Oh really?” The door closed with a slight clink!

The voice wasn’t Eren’s.

But you knew too well whose it was.

It was too late when you grasped the fact that the man you were conversing with — if you could really call it that — had already closed the door behind him, your gaze turning from his shoes up to his fair skinned hand, holding onto Eren’s phone.

“Well, fuck.”

tags: @angwst, @hangesno1hoe, @erii0n, @peonyrosemilk, @fraisehime, @nknugget, @awwhstheic, @missyasma, @kurtshands, @trashcantmath (crossed out = didn’t let me tag)

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